#dont mind me i'm just rambling to void

[jinmukangwrites]

I'm not poetic, everyone knows this. I'm blunt as can be with my words, and I don't usually know how to figure out flowery metaphors.

But there's something poetic, isn't there, about how the numbers on the scale aren't as low as I'd hoped they'd be at the end of this year, yet there's 5 kinks in my leather belt and I'm considering buying a smaller one. I can wrap my hand around my wrists, and touch my thumb to my ring fingers. When I shake my hand, my rings fall off. When I lift my arms, you can see the muscle. I have stripes of stretch marks, I've had them since I was 13 years old and its took decades to love them, and now I love them even more because when I pinch them and pull, the skin comes loose. I can wrap my fingers around my hip bones, they've never stuck out before.

6 months ago, if you asked me to run a small distance, I'd groan. Now I look for every opportunity to use my legs like that. The drinking fountain is a minute away, and by the time I get there, my heart rate hasn't even raised much.

I look forward to going to the mall and seeing if the numbers on my jeans are smaller. My mindset when shopping online has moved from "maybe I'm a large or extra large?" To "maybe I'm a medium or large?".

Yet the numbers aren't as down as I'd expected them to be, and I'm okay with that.

I'm not poetic, but this feels poetic to me. There's no way I can truly express how this feels, how good it feels to take my health into my own hands and understand my body and love every step of the way. Maybe I could write a fic pushing these feelings onto a character, or maybe I should keep it to myself.

But I hope I'm eventually an inspiring story. I hope someday people can ask me how I did it, and I can tell them it was easy. Slow, incredibly slow, sometimes frustrating, but easy. Because I didn't give up pizza, or cake, or ice cream. I didn't obsess over the gym, or exercise, or try those weird little trends that change every other day. I hope someday people can look at me and say "woah, I had no idea you used to be 40 pounds heavier, how'd you do that?" And I could say, "I never gave up."

[sp1resong]

what in the world is a sense of identity im just a machine that has thoughts and turns them into words and sometimes also images. and sometimes other people perceive me about it. and then those people tell me who they think i am. and i go huh! that's so cool! i didn't know that!

[strangestofthings12]

This is going to be a very rambling and venty post cause im tired and annoyed and honestly am just using this to vent my anger/hurt. there is going to be stuff that can maybe be seen as anti tommy/bucktommy (please dont tell me a ship name to put i dont care about if they do have an agreed upon ship name right now) so if you dont want that please just move on. i dont want to fight i just want to yell into the void on a stupid throw away account so i dont bring my negativity stew and come out on my main blog where i just want to enjoy my stuff and just keep happy energy. I dont normally post and try and just find someone who explains it better because im not great and getting what im saying across or understood the way i want, so please bear with me. With that said i will move on to what i want to say

Okay so i have been watching 9-1-1 for years and i love and adore it. Its characters and dynamics and i have always loved found family. Now i will admit that i started watching it thinking that Buck and Eddie were a couple and had a son so i was kinda watching for it. Do i think if i didn't start watching thinking that i would ship them still yes 100%. I have always loved their relationship and i have loved watching both Buck and Eddie grow and start to be happy while also having each others back even at the worst times. Sometimes if i think to hard about Eddie and start crying cause I'm very normal about this show and it characters. Now Eddie is my favorite character in the show and at least in my top five overall favorite characters. I love him and his development and i adore seeing how much he does to just do right by Chris even when he messes up you can tell how much he adores that boy and how badly he wants to give Chris the best life possible. I could write essays about Eddie Diaz trying to explain how much i love him and why and i think words would run out before i could finish making people understand. Buddie is my favorite ship (sometimes second depending on my mood. i would say sorry but Henren and Madney will always be amazing ships and sometimes i just cant stop think about them)(Sorry Bathena i love you too i swear i just cant decide if i wanna kiss athena or be adopted by bobby and athena:( Its confusing) and has been for quite awhile and is one of my overall favorites and its one of my comfort ships.

With that context when bi Buck happened i was so insanely happy and i wouldnt shut up about it. it made me sick. i was so happy for Buck and while i think a part of me will always be a little sad Eddie wasnt his first kiss with a guy i dont think either of them are ready for that. i also understand that it wouldnt make sense for how the story is going right now. Now i have nothing against bucktommy in the show. I have watched the kiss scene and sobbed to much to pretend like i hate them or even dislike them. However I genuinely dont care about Tommy. Hes kinda bland and i forget about him half the time and before they brought him back i completely forgot his name. in my mind he was the one that wasnt as much of an asshole to chim and hen as the other two assholes which wasnt saying a lot. Now I dont dislike tommy nor am i going to act like hes irredeemable because neither Chim nor Hen seem to think hes still that guy and while they dont seem super close they seem to get along so clearly, he's not like that anymore. I have nothing that makes me dislike him nor do I like him. He's just there. He's just the guy buck kissed. Thats all he means to me. I would give up his screen time for Ravi or May or Karen in a heartbeat. because i love them cause they mean something to me. I don't think i thought about the fact that people might actually like him especially not more than EDDIE.

This is where the context matters cause i am to my core a one ship per person girly. I might see a ship and people who like it and even think thats not a terrible ship but i will still only look at content for my ship for that person (ie. i ship Destiel (dont say anything bad about them ill cry<3) but i can see the way someone would also ship Dean and Benny or crowley or Cas and Crowley or Mick but i will ignore the ship and move on and look at more Dean and Cas). normally i will just ignore the ship and move on because im not who its for. If it gets annoying in my tag or anything like that ill block it or whoever is annoying me cause its not a them problem that i dont want to see it. When i start to have a problem is when multiple people arent tagging right for whatever reason or people who are being rude about the ship i like because of their ship. When I started seeing Bucktommy stuff more and more in the 9-1-1 tag i went to the buddie tag cause i dont want to see them. my problem is that when im reading on AO3 and click on a fic tagged Buddie where bucktommy get married. it was literally just hurting Eddie. There was stuff before like id be scrolling though the buddie tag here and see someone saying that Tommy is a better character then Eddie and saying that they hope bucktommy is endgame. Whatever block and move on. Just like always but then people who have shipped buddie for years who ive seen talk about them are suddenly saying that they like bucktommy better. People who started watching because of bucktommy saying they dont like Eddie. People are going to have different opinions but it still bugged me. and then i read that and i was just hurt because it was tagged happy ending and i cannot fathom ever thinking Eddie hurting and pining is a happy ending. So i started to get more annoyed and i hate when that happens especially with a show i love and a character i dont dislike so i tried to just move on but more and more people are taking about it then i saw someone saying that they wanted eddie to die so buck and tommy can have Chris.

I just hate that so many people are jumping on the bucktommy train and saying that they like it better than buddie something that is so good and sweet or saying that they like Tommy more than Eddie. I just dont get it cause Tommy is boring. like yeah we now some about him and he flies a helicopter but hes forgettable he could be a completely different person and next to nothing would have to change. We have seen Eddie at his worst and claw his way back up and hes finally letting himself be open and honest and soft. Eddie couldnt be replaced. Now im not saying Tommy can't be an interesting character but as he is right now?? He just isnt. Hes just as bland as every women (minus Taylor and Shannon) Buck and Eddie have dated and been hated on for no reason!!! Like i get that Tommy is a guy and we got canon Bi Buck and people are happy but those same people turn around and shit on Marisol from what ive seen(I could be wrong cause again i have done my best to avoid). Buddie fans arent safe from that either, cause we all know that Buddie fans do that but so many of those people who hated on them and said they didnt want them with anyone else suddenly decided that they were okay if Buck ended up with any guy. I dont know its just weird and i hate how many people are acting like Eddie isnt always going to be better then Tommy. Part of me wanted Tommy to stick around and help Buck and Eddie figure it all out but now?? i honestly just cant wait for him to be gone cause I want to have fun and read fics for my comfort ship and just chill where i can see all of my ships in the show without buck and tommy being everywhere or people saying crap about Eddie.

I have more to say but most of its about how gratifying waiting and seeing where this whole thing goes(Buddie season 8 PLEASE!!) and this is already why to long and i think im just going in circles and none of this makes sense so ima shut up for now and hopefully this will help it not fester and drive me insane and become a tommy hater

Edit: but i also hate that Tommy calls Buck Evan so he already had some stuff against him rip

[a-sociopath-do-your-research]

Hello Everypony :3

finally doing one of these, lol

💙About me!💜

Welcome to my blog for,,, everything! No sideblogs around here we die like men/j

My name is Oliver, but you can also call me oli! (ive got other names too, but that's the main one, check my pronouns page for the whole list!)

Xe/Void/Fox/It/They pronouns but get silly with it, i dont mind!! (except she/her)

We're a system! We dont talk about it a lot but sometimes it comes up yay!!

important post you should read!

Other important post to read before interacting with my content!!

I write and draw tho i am better at writing, lmao

@inky-drawings is my lovely girlfriend whom i love very much<333

@azamonvoid is my sib from another crib whom if i dont see soon heads will start rolling<3

@lmanburgseulogy SUPER AMAZING person (cough im copying part of the intro from bug), also my twin o7

@willthemicrowave AMAZING DUDE. Tem you're super cool

❌DNIs❌

cc!Wilbur and/or cc!Dream Team supporters. If i ever post about them its the characters.

-> also, if you see me reblogging from someone who supports them, please warn me!

Anyone who engages in discourse, esp syscourse. I do not care, let people live. Any interaction about it will be ignored and/or deleted. This isnt the place for it.

People in poppytwt/blr. I understand some people write it or engage in it to cope, but it personally just makes us uncomfortable. Thank you.

Just in general hateful people. Transphobes, terfs, homophobes, misogyinists misandrists ect ect. It is not that hard to leave people alone, and if you can't, get out.

✨ (main) Fandoms!! ✨

Hermitcraft/Life series!! My faves are Grian, Etho, Impulse, Zed, Jimmy and Mumbo (not in that order)

-> i engage in shipping the characters, quite a lot,,, if it makes you uncomfortable this ain't the place for you lol

DSMP! my mains are sbi (especially twinsduo you will always be famous to me,,,,), and sometimes feral boys!

-> i dont care most of those people are problematic now, my au just took a general outline of the smp then rewrote everything. There is barely any connection w/actual canon

SCU/Slimecicle cinematic universe!! Blame @alliumsmybeloved for this/j

Hollow Knight! Quirrel, Hornet, Hollow and Ghost are my faves!

-> nothing much other than i hate the traitor lord with a burning passion, lol

and many, many more!! Including percy jackson, portal, ect - these are just the ones im hyperfixating on the most lately!!

⚠ Terms and conditions? ⚠

I'm ok with flirting but ask first just to be sure!

autistic silly little guy. Sometimes i get too much, feel free to tell me if i exagerate and get weird!

-> be nice about it tho, please,,,

send asks send asks!!! They're so silly i love em<333

i do take requests on doodles, headcanons, snippets ect!! It just takes me a bit sometimes to answer!

I have a dsmp/hermitcraft/qsmp/ect au im working on, my magnum opus/j, go check it out it's @the-caladrius-au RAAHHH

I write about the characters, never the ccs.

💬Tag guide!💬

#Oli talks! -> silly tag for everything of mine, rambles,art, writing, reblogs (sometimes,,,)

#shift talks! -> like the above but for shift, one of our other alters :3

#Will talks! -> I think you get where I'm going with this

#Olis faves -> fav posts and/or posts i want to look back on!

#Oli writes -> pretty self explanitory, for when i write :3

#Oli draws -> for my art n doodles!

#Mutuals my beloveds -> Moot tag!!! For asks or when i talk with/about my mutuals! (if i forget to put it in a post with you, feel free to tell me!)

#nonnies my beloveds -> anon asks

#Beloveds! -> posts about/with @inky-drawings and/or @azamonvoid

#higgs Field au and #HFAU -> posts about my dsmp x Hermitcraft rewrite au

#the multiverse system -> stuff about our system!

#the horrors saga -> the horrors,,,,,, I just wanna write,,,,

#Twinsduo crumbs -> any and all Twinsduo content because I'm normal about them (lie)

#sillytick -> tag for @cao-tick ::3

#dr.dejekyll -> tag for @genocreative / @hydehydejeykll ::3

-> if i forget to tag things properly feel free to remind me!!!

[plain text under cut]

Hello Everypony :3

finally doing one of these, lol

💙About me!💜

Welcome to my blog for,,, everything! No sideblogs around here we die like men/j

My name is Oliver, but you can also call me oli! (ive got other names too, but that's the main one, check my pronouns page for the whole list!)

They/It/xe pronouns but get silly with it, i dont mind!! (except she/her)

We're a system! We dont talk about it a lot but sometimes it comes up yay!!

important post you should read!

I write and draw tho i am better at writing, lmao

@inky-drawings is my lovely girlfriend whom i love very much<333

@azamonvoid is my sib from another crib whom if i dont see soon heads will start rolling<3

@lmanburgseulogy SUPER AMAZING person (cough im copying part of the intro from bug), also my twin o7

@willthemicrowave AMAZING DUDE. Tem you're super cool

❌DNIs❌

cc!Wilbur and/or cc!Dream Team supporters. If i ever post about them its the characters.

-> also, if you see me reblogging from someone who supports them, please warn me!

Anyone who engages in discourse, esp syscourse. I do not care, let people live. Any interaction about it will be ignored and/or deleted. This isnt the place for it.

People in poppytwt/blr. I understand some people write it or engage in it to cope, but it personally just makes us uncomfortable. Thank you.

Just in general hateful people. Transphobes, terfs, homophobes, misogyinists misandrists ect ect. It is not that hard to leave people alone, and if you can't, get out.

✨ (main) Fandoms!! ✨

Hermitcraft/Life series!! My faves are Grian, Etho, Impulse, Zed, Jimmy and Mumbo (not in that order)

-> i engage in shipping the characters, quite a lot,,, if it makes you uncomfortable this ain't the place for you lol

DSMP! my mains are sbi (especially twinsduo you will always be famous to me,,,,), and sometimes feral boys!

-> i dont care most of those people are problematic now, my au just took a general outline of the smp then rewrote everything. There is barely any connection w/actual canon

SCU/Slimecicle cinematic universe!! Blame @alliumsmybeloved for this/j

Hollow Knight! Quirrel, Hornet, Hollow and Ghost are my faves!

-> nothing much other than i hate the traitor lord with a burning passion, lol

and many, many more!! Including percy jackson, portal, ect - these are just the ones im hyperfixating on the most lately!!

⚠ Terms and conditions? ⚠

I'm ok with flirting but ask first just to be sure!

autistic silly little guy. Sometimes i get too much, feel free to tell me if i exagerate and get weird!

-> be nice about it tho, please,,,

send asks send asks!!! They're so silly i love em<333

i do take requests on doodles, headcanons, snippets ect!! It just takes me a bit sometimes to answer!

I have a dsmp/hermitcraft/qsmp/ect au im working on, my magnum opus/j, go check it out it's @the-caladrius-au RAAHHH

I write about the characters, never the ccs.

💬Tag guide!💬

#Oli talks! -> silly tag for everything of mine, rambles,art, writing, reblogs (sometimes,,,)

#shift talks! -> like the above but for shift, one of our other alters :3

#Will talks! -> I think you get where I'm going with this

#Olis faves -> fav posts and/or posts i want to look back on!

#Oli writes -> pretty self explanitory, for when i write :3

#Oli draws -> for my art n doodles!

#Mutuals my beloveds -> Moot tag!!! For asks or when i talk with/about my mutuals! (if i forget to put it in a post with you, feel free to tell me!)

#nonnies my beloveds -> anon asks

#Beloveds! -> posts about/with @inky-drawings and/or @azamonvoid

#higgs Field au and #HFAU -> posts about my dsmp x Hermitcraft rewrite au

#the multiverse system -> stuff about our system!

#the horrors saga -> the horrors,,,,,, I just wanna write,,,,

#Twinsduo crumbs -> any and all Twinsduo content because I'm normal about them (lie)

#sillytick -> tag for @cao-tick ::3

#dr.dejekyll -> tag for @genocreative / @hydehydejeykll ::3

-> if i forget to tag things properly feel free to remind me!!!

[kiwibirdlafayette]

✨💫welcome to the space jam its mianite’s gayest block people ‼️🔥

✨what up my gamers its me :3 I'm your fav chaos scrunkly Jay-Monty (im chill w either name); i also go by Kiwi and Grail! all i do here is be a menace but if you're into that welcome in to my hubris. i'm an artist, cosplayer, (occasional) writer and professional silly guy who loves me a good gay people and a good lore :D

Main Fandoms: MCYT (Mianite, Captainsparklez, Hermitcraft, Life Series are the current favs, but I also love Empires/New Life/SOS, and Origins SMP), Watcher Ghoul Boys (Ryan and Shane), Arthuriana, Monty Python, and Good Omens

Yar there be shippin here! I love gay people! My favs are syndisparklez, ethubs, ranchers and foxxsize <33 (always only the characters, if i engage in rpf content, its in a joking way or something the CC said first!)

@grailknightmonty for art-only + me me big boy masterpost (ft. all boundaries and other social links)

@arthurshuge-tractsofland is my Tales of Arcadia sideblog now but all my trollhunters posts are still here under the fandom tags <33

Tagging System, AUs/Fanon Masterlist and more below :D

Tag Directory

#gkm arts / #lafakiwi draws - my art tags! the gkm has all my work from 2021 on, lafakiwi draws has everything from when i joined this hellsite in 2014

#lafakiwi talks - general tumblr posting from ya boy! asks i answer are also tagged under here

#lafakiwi writes - all my writing from fics and character analysis, to lore headcanons and theories C:

#lafakiwi cosplays - cosplay posts! tiktok is for cosplay videos, but i'll post stills and photoshoots here, and the occasional CMV

#verdigris musings - rambles related to ideas I have! can be art ideas, AU pitches or just hey. this is a cool idea that came to mind but i dont have the energy to do anything with it right now

#rambles from the heartsgone - consists of me shouting into the void mostly! rants also tend to live here

I mostly just rb shit whenever i see it but if I queue posts its under #yar queue a worth appointent , asks are just tagged with "asks" and the user who submitted (anons are under "anon" ) For a bonus #things to keep in mind is where i store all the feel good posts and

AUs/Headcanon Projects

Trollhunters AU Masterpost (because it would be a pain in the ass to list them all)

Starborne Kingdom of Dianite :: My MCYT Starborne AU! Builds off Jordan's origins smp lore, continuing the story (since he fucking won't /lh /j) and adding worldbuilding to the realm of the starborne (in my headcanon, its a version of the Aether!) How the Aether and the cast works comes off a tidbit from non est ad astra (see below) so we got two tiem reesters + hermits + lifers and the canon OSMP cast

Masterpost | AU Tag

Tales of Aitheaca/Gays on a Boat :: Mianite Post-canon/post-Isles fanstory! Gays on a Boat follows tiem reester after season 2 and goes up through Isles (following everyone else but tom and jordan). Tales of Aitheaca picks up where Isles leaves off (if i pretend like the end of Isles doesn't exist it can't hurt me) and takes them to another relative universe in pursuit of a multiversal anomaly, where ultimate balance rules. also the boat is a dimension traveller and to everyone's shock not the only one

Gays on a Boat | Tales of Aitheaca

Mianite Godswap :: Joke AU I made during Octobernite, but also has a bit of story tied to it. mostly an excuse to make syndisparklez between a dianitee and mianitee because that concept is fascinating to me

Mianite x Life Series :: Fan season of the Life Series that builds off a funny little game that Ianite, Dianite and the Watchers play with their casts and swap them around, putting the lifers in a blank slate world of Mianite S1 with the objective of being the last one standing, and Jordan and Tom in a hardcore world where of they die, the world dies

Death’s Scale of Justice :: Headcanon for cEmeraldduo in the Mianite universe! :D Inspired by when Philza showed up at Jordan’s witch hut, Phil is a priest for Ruxomar Ianite and former friend of Spark lookin for his goddess when he disappears. Also includes the backstory for cTechno where he unearths Bellinite, the god of anarchy, revenge and blind vengeance (aka the Blood God) from the depths of the S1 World

(Unnamed HC 10 Worldbuilding) :: WIP, expansion and theory on the story behind Magic Mountain in Hermitcraft season 10 using Joel's temple to Lizzie and Mumbo's mined lab lore as a baseline. no tag yet but is in reference to the mosaic of lizzie and jim on art blog + canary in the iron mine painting

Original Projects

non est ad astra, mollis e terra via :: Multiverse lore dev, work in this is used mostly in reference to MCYT fanon, but also is a project i'm using for some OC stuff (includes worldbuilding for my Mianite RPG characters Ophi and Aurelia, and concepts for the Nightmare Spectrum)

For Good Measure :: Story of my stream sona, Sir Monty Jones aka where he was prior to becoming the wanderer of the outerverse. Takes place prior to Arcadia of Avalon and is basically monty python but if they were my ocs and silly knights and also minecraft

Arcadia of Avalon :: Original Arthurian retelling but i don't gaf I just think knights deserve to be stupid, gay and full of angst as the gods intended. Mostly an excuse to write my rarepairs and do some funky worldbuilding where the land of King Arthur is a war over the power of creation. i can't explain it better than that but trust me its a good one

Wide Awake in the Witching Hour :: Current set of lore and story for my sona Sir Monty Jones. Continues where For Good Measure leaves off and is, relatively time wise, lines up to the current timeline of HC10 and the Mianite RPG

[becauseplot]

Still feel is one of my fav fics ever and it made me so happy to see more stuff from this AU! Your post-osnf headcannons are sooo good!! Actually im a big fan of your ordem headcannons in general tbh

If you dont mind sharing more on it...Can you maybe tell us a bit more about your ideas for the effects the symbol left on Thiago? Like, is he still connected to it or to Santo Berço somehow?? I find this consequences stuff really interesting and id be cool to hear more about it

Aw thanks!! I'm glad someone's getting some enjoyment out of my rambles <33

I can go a bit deeper, of course! Warning for the fact that this does get pretty sad and heavy, sorry :(

So Santo Berço really is gone. Equipe E destroyed it. The effects that Thiago is now dealing with are essentially mental scarring: a mix of normal human PTSD with a paranormal "flare" to it. The Symbol has seared itself not just onto his back but onto his mind as well. His dreams of the Symbol are due to trauma and the fact that, just as he suspects, he was never meant to escape it. It is stuck with him now. Anything touched by Death cannot go back to the way it was before, after all.

I kind of like to think about his mental state in terms of Ordem's "sanity" system as well. He recovers plenty of "sanity" while in injury recovery, since he's given time to rest, away from stressors. Eventually, he starts to do work for the Order again, but he quickly learns that he can't handle stressful, paranormal events like he could before (systems-wise, he has a permanent de-buff/disadvantage in the sanity checks) and missions---even the short one he starts out with---just put too much strain on his body. So, he winds up becoming part of the Order's cover-up team, helping fudge official reports and write up those "logical explanations" that Veríssimo sometimes references.

It's a role that's...much easier on him, after everything he went through. He does notice a pattern between his stress and the frequency of the Symbol dreams, so it's much better this way. He will, on rare occasions, help his friends out in the field with intel gathering (perhaps encountering a Horror on the way, which is never fun), and with he gets to serve as a sounding board for Liz's investigations, both her personal ones and the ones she does with the Order.

There are...other effects of the symbol. That he doesn't like to talk about. He's taken a sickly comfort in swirling designs, ever since he woke up in that hospital; back when he dealt with the nightmares on his own, before Liz and the others knew about them, he used to go to bed with reminders to himself ("Your name is Thiago Fritz, you live in São Paulo with Liz, she's in the bedroom upstairs...") written on his arm surrounded by swirls in the hopes they might calm him down enough to think and read it. He ponders his father's pocket watch more than he should, taking solace in the even, steady tick of time moving at the right pace as much as he does watching the second hand go around and around. He finds himself tracing circle after circle after circle with his finger when he's lost in thought or anxious about something...

He finds himself taking comfort in it. The Symbol. The thought makes him feel ill.

Over the months between osnf and opd, his mind slowly starts to deteriorate. Anything touched by Death cannot go back to the way it was before, after all. The frequency of the dreams has always been correlated with his stress and thus fluctuates, but on average they start to get more frequent, and the more intense ones happen more often, and it slowly gets worse, and worse, and worse until---

---he "zones out" one day, thinking of the Symbol. Thirty seconds, nothing much, it must just be on his mind. Then, he starts to fully disconnect from his surroundings, in his own head, pondering the Symbol for a minute or two. The white void starts to creep into his vision sometimes, reality losing meaning and definition, for several minutes at a time. Minutes turn to an hour, two hours, more, if no one is around to pull him out of it.

Thiago, as much as he hates to admit it to himself, is very, very tired. His mind and body are worn out, abused, overused. The thought that he's been living on borrowed time ever since Santo Berço comes more often than he'd like. At the worst of times, he feels like he's orbiting and closing in on some final, finite point. But he'll never tell his friends this because he knows it'll scare them because fuck, it scares him too. (Though, the times where it doesn't scare him are...even worse.)

[wakanai]

An Odasaku and Dazai edit

(btw to the 2 poor ppl I tagged, no need to watch. I just credited yall for intellectual inspiration. its in the description, don't mind me. just keep scrolling ty 😄👍).

Audio from: https://youtu.be/FxuUVwWmuzc?si=KdNSBkMjWRYJx5Gq

(random rambling incoming) :

Okir rrandom backstory cause I feel like sharing to the void. School break is coming to an end soon (:')) and I feel like I've wasted a lot of time (to be fair though, I still have 3 days JEDJJS) but anyways. yeah today I slept until around 2 pm. I was more productive and better today than the past days. I bought "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren and it was good, watched a motivational video on youtube, did some things, etc. (omygoodness I'm just rambling 😭

BUT ANYWAYS.

I've been making this edit for a while now (started it prob a few days ago) and decided to finish it today.

But like, it's funny. Cause something triggered me to finish it.

So yk how I slept until 2 pm today?

Well...it's 5 am rn and I'm still awake so like 😭😭 (don't follow me, it's not good).

But okay, so it's around early in the morning. I'm scrolling on tumblr. And I see my (probably) favourite blogger (sorcerersand...) rbing smthing odasaku related. I fangirl for a little bit - then decide to finish the edit (just because of that LOL 😁😃). Ok so I finished it! <33

So like, ofc making an edit requires some input/knowledge abt the subject, right?

Well, I'm going to credit @sorcerersandskillusers and @cousticks

for giving me some insight on Oda and Dazai's relationship - - which influenced me a lot while making this edit.

They have rlly good analyses abt not just odasaku but bsd in general - so check them out if u want. it's rlly good 👍👍👍👍

[omyglobb, this is so embarrassing 😭😭

don't mind me pls ty.

im on my phone debating if i should tag or not but whatever. dont mind the little fan and keep scrolling ty 😃👍 u dont need to watch the edit pls pls pls 😭 ]

Ok now that I'm done shamelessly rambling and its 5:30 am and I might regret this later, um.. lets go. 🏃

[d20-lesbian]

🐈‍⬛🖤INTRO POST🖤🐦‍⬛

I'm finally making an intro post! under the break you will find everything from DNI to Hyperfixations/Interests, plus a new tagging system I'll be using so my blog isn't such a wasteland <33 Enjoy

alright lets start with some info!

My name is Onyx

I'm a non binary lesbian

I use they/xe/it and a bunch of neopronouns

I identify with a bunch of xenogenders!

I flip from hyperfixation to hyperfixation super easily but my special interests are musical theatre and psychology/mental illness. (2 very different things i know).

I'm 18 years old and Australian :3

before you follow !

I might spam reblog sometimes, but I'll have all reblogs tagged so you can mute that if you like.

I'm always happy to receive asks and such, anonymous or not!! please i want mutuals ;-;.

i might vent at times, nothing too serious of course and always properly tagged.

Just keep this in mind!

DNI IF:

- you fall into basic DNI criteria (homophobic, transphobic, racist, etc.)

- you're pro-ana or pro-sh as I'm in recovery for both of these.

- you're a proshipper

- you're under 12

- you're a Monika apologist (DDLC)

- you fake claim

- you're anti neopronouns/xenogenders

some of my triggers are ,

vomit, in any way, this is my biggest one!! i have very severe emetephobia and dont really even like the word.

IRL sans hoodies/blue jackets that look similar to that.

Sayoris death scene from DDLC

i love musical theatre, rock/metal music, LGBTQIA+ advocacy, mental health advocacy, psychology, dungeons and dragons/other TTRPGs and witchy stuff :3

I'm in a lot of fandoms, including !

DDLC, Dimension 20 (fantasy high), Danganronpa, Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel, Ride The Cyclone, SIX, Beetlejuice, Hamilton, Heathers, Vocaloid, Sanrio, Unus Annus, TBHK, MLP, FNAF, Marvel, NITW, Pokemon, Supernatural, Markiplier egos, WKM, ADWM, AHWM, ISWM, Jacksepticeye egos, Doctor Who, Starkid, The Hatchetfield Trilogy AND MANY MORE I CANT REMEMBER RN!!

this section will update every now and then with whatever I'm hyperfixating on !! right now its;

will wood/will wood and the tapeworms!!!

I kin !

Sayori (DDLC)

Kokichi (DRV3)

Angeldust (HH)

Jane Doe (RTC)

Fave characters are !

All kins <3

Ibuki Mioda (DRV2)

Emu Otori (PJSK)

Celestia Ludenberg (DRV1)

Ocean O'Connell Rosenburg (RTC)

Kuromi (Sanrio)

Kristen Applebees (D20)

Figueroth Faeth (D20)

im gonna introduce a tagging system to make my blog less of a messy hellscape!!

reblogs will be tagged with #onyx rbs

me yelling about fandoms will be tagged with #onyx fandom posting

vents will be tagged with #onyx sad

more serious posts will be tagged with #onyx serious

random shit/rambles will be tagged with #onyx is rambling

answering asks will be tagged with #onyx answers asks

heres some stuff that doesn't fit into any of the previous categories!

my favourite mutuals are @frogsareallgay , @elias-pluto , @tumbletryr and @teslapenguini !!

My favourite animals are black cats, crows/ravens, moths and bats! and i identify heavily with black cats specifically!! (im the real black cat gf sorrry not sorry >:3)

Some of the neopronouns i use are :3

glitch/void/moon/star/spirit/crow/moth/hallow/cat/kit/arcade/wisp

heres some links to my other socials !!

Insta: rock_lesbian

Twitter: Dnd_Lesbian

Discord: onyxjae

Pinterest: Onyx Jae

Carrd: Onyx Jae's Carrd

Spacehey: Onyx Jae

anyway, to close out, thank you for reading through all of this!! i hope you enjoy your stay on my blog !!! love yall <33

[dykeomania]

okay you know what like maybe this is unpopular idk what the streets are saying i dont listen to the streets: I Love Cat. I Don't Care.

me rambling about cat nolastname for like, a time, because i can. honestly not rebloggable; this is not literature. I Personally? just love cat. i don't need to know anything more about her character! im putting this into the void! i love cat! no further questions! (btw if you're a minor leave me alone)

you wanna know who cat is to me -- Cat? To Me? is That girl, but she is That girl in a way that is so particular that you have to have experienced it in order to fully know what i'm talking about. Right? like cat is Fun. cat is so like.. art school.. grew up wanting to be an illustrator.. has a sketchbook.. was a bullet journal girl... dropped out probably to start tattooing full time... runs a Sick fucking instagram page like her art is insane. and like ok since we're here, like, a modern life au where she is still going to college and like ellie for whatever fucking reason decides to go to like fordham like she does and says that she wants to get her eyebrow pierced, cat is either a) the friend who drags her to inner city manhattan to the sketchiest looking place imaginable and gets her eyebrow pierced for her for like 15 bucks and it heals flawlessly or b) is the friend who Pierces it For Her because in her public high school she was the girl who was known for doing piercings in between periods and during lunch [policy reads as follows: friends and bad bitches get pierced for free -- everyone else, 20 bucks]. she's very like.. "wait you have a vision? let's make a pinterest board together" / "let me send you songs by this band" / "pre is on me, let's just go out tonight" and she's like Soooo messy like yeah she definitely just made out with someone's girlfriend and im gonna be so honest, she doesn't give a fuck, but cat is Here for her friends. everyone is sitting at the table in like her apt grinding out hw, and cat is providing spam masubi bowls and fried eggs because she's procrastinating on a charcoal portrait. like you hate her... but at the end of the day.. people love her. she's fucking Out of her Mind. but she's talented and free-spirited and knows where she fits but knows what she wants, and isnt afraid to go get it !!!! (SHE CLIMBED INTO ELLIE'S LAP LIKE YEAH), like she's just Her. i love cat. ugh!

[nachfo]

Heya!

Nachfo | He/him | 15 | asexual ♠️

carrd - Ko-fi - Artfight

I go by Nachfo but you can call me Nach!

I mostly post art about what I am interested in at the moment and reblog stuff that I find amazing and from my mutuals!

My sona is just a silly lil creature. They live rent free on my head. You're alowed to bully them (send drawing promps for my sona on my ask box pls)

Sona ref

Info about tags and art/asks below:

•Asks:

My asks are always open so dont hesitate to send me anything, as long as it doesnt break any rules. I love getting asks and i would love to answear all of your questions or see what you have to show/say to me!

•Art related:

commissions: open

art trades: closed

requests: open*

*drawing prompts for my sona

•My tags:

#silly rambles - is for any post that I make that is text only

#nachfo art - all my art is taged by this

#mind scaps - Is for a story i am creating. This isnt the final name and is prospect to change

#eating this! - is for my favorite posts!

•explanatory tags:

#sona

#sketchbook

#oc

#asks

#doodle

Sometimes i'm a little lazy and forget to put tags :P

•extra fyi:

Basic DNI criteria

Please tell me if I ever break into your comfort zone.

My native language isn't English, so please correct me if I say something wrong!

I am so normal about void creatures with white eyes. Even more normal if they are fluffy!!!

My favorite video game/media is Oxenfree

[manonamora-if]

i dont know if u feel up for it to answer but like... how do u handle negative comments and ratings and just people being negative about ur stuff? bc i have someone just being rude in comments or like notes and game folders on itch and its making me want to just delete everything and never show anyone anything anymore. or even have an acocunt on itch either.

Hi Anon,

I'm sorry you've been dealing with this, and that it took me so long to answer. I've been thinking about this for a while honestly. I've been writing a bunch of drafts for this one, because my answer seems to change with the day or my mood. Some of my stuff have had some strange interactions lately that's made me question whether I should stay on itch myself. I mean, I don't think I'll ever leave... there are too many fun jams I want to participate and, you know, to force people to play my weird stuff. But I've been more anxious about new stuff or updates I share recently.

I don't blame you for wanting an out. Some users will poison one's experience of a platform, that even opening the site would give them anxiety. It doesn't take much to have events or projects soured. Often, just a few rude words is enough to make accounts disappear without a word. And many platform don't have good safety nets (blocking, moderation, reports) to temper or avoid these situations. Many will have half-ass solutions that, at the end of the day, still allows interactions from blocked users. It's easy to wonder if all of this is worth it...

Anyway, the very boring and short answer to your question: it depends.

The probably as boring and long one is a bit of a ramble:

It depends on the day, or the mood I have. It's easier to deal with comments when I'm confident and things are going find; but I'd feel more hurt or have a harder time dealing with them when I'm a bit more morose (I think most people feel this way). I'll disregard any (even barely) negative points some days, only to take it into consideration a few days later. <- this especially during jam/comps time, just need time to digest criticism of any kind.

It also depends on the content of the comment, their tone, and intent of the commenter. Not all negative comments are on the same level. I've had negative comments in the past where the commenter was genuine, and really gave my stuff a shot, bringing interesting points or important concerns. And though it hurt a bit, because being told you made a mistake sucks, those helped me grow. But those are the good kinds of comments...

On the other hand, I try to disregard the trolls, and the abusive comments (towards my work or me), the ones where the engagement was clearly not done in good faith... you know, the ones who will literally tell me I've made the world worse by uploading my games on itch. Doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me at all*. Some of them really hurt or made me angry and frustrated, some have lingered for hours or days in my mind, a few made me close to delete stuff as well. Words are not just empty things without meaning... *I've had to block a few people both here and other places recently because of it, they had become so insistent on wanting to engage with me while bashing most of my work, my values or the few aspects of my identity that I've shared online.

It would be easy to say I just don't give them the time of day or any of my energy, or that I pretend they don't exist, because, if I do, then the trolls win. But that would be lying. Obviously.

Screaming to the void/a pillow or ranting to friends have helped get rid of my anger and frustration. I've laughed with others about some comments I got (usually the bad faith ones, some of them are funny in how sad/bad they were). I think what worked best for me was just turn off the computer and go outside for a bit. Or turned off the internet and play silly games on my phone. Or picked up a book. Or watch a movie. Essentially, any activity that would distract me from it and force me to take a break. And when none of this worked, because some trolls are just that insistent, blocking/deleting stuff*. *unfortunately, it's not always possible, see second paragraph again.

It does suck that you're kinda forced to grow a thicker skin to enjoy or even exist in those spaces, and I wish those would be friendlier... but I don't think social platforms/the internet is going in that direction anytime soon.

Maybe not super helpful to your decision, but borogove.io hosts IF games (without ratings or comments, though people can download the files), so does the IFDB through the IFArchive (but there are ratings/reviews there, also can be downloadable). I've seen other peeps host their stuff on neocities (no ratings/comments). None of those platforms are like itch, in the positives or the negative. Or just be old school, and email stuff.

[nerves-nebula]

Hello 👋 its the anon who doesn't like angst. Apologies if my ramblings came off as a bit preachy, per say. I do understand ur explanation tho and u do have some very good points. I guess its fair to say that I don't like angst unless there's a point to it. That's not to say that there has to be a point to EVERYTHING written/drawn for the sake of art but that's just me. I'm a bit picky like that lol 😆 I like a lot of gore and horror stuff but angst in the context of the Fandom is usually portrayed "drama" if that makes sense? Your story is a little more grounded, not in reality obviously but grounded in a way that I can see my own life as well as the life of many others played through these characters. But obviously this is all in good fun, people are allowed to do what they want and really shouldn't be listening to the ramblings of a stranger on the internet 😅 Apologies for going off again.

oh yeah i totally get it. it didn't come off as preachy at all i just have a habit of rambling and i think the internet has trained me to try to qualify things a bunch just in case, hah.

and if no one listened to rambling of internet strangers i would make making turtles to a VOID, so i really dont mind :)

[grasscore]

more bummer ramblings below

literally just sitting here crying my eyes out reading people's posts on the bipolar subreddit and like i dont know what to do with any of that.

i've been really scared that what i've been dealing with is addiction, because it felt like adhd impulsivity + stimulation craving but on steroids, like boosted to 100,000%

but idk the more i think about it all, it might be hypo/mania. like im basically nearing about 3 months of constantly just making connections between things in my head, sleeping for only a few hours a night, literally not doing my job, feeling extremely social but only online and completely neglecting irl relationships and responsibilities, not eating or drinking water, etc..

and some of it has been really good! like i have created some art and actually finished some shit for once whereas i usually just get really hype and start a project but never finish. so im happy about that, and i think its ok that i'm like.. trying to be more 'social' online because i work from home and because of covid don't have a ton of irl options for 'public' life. in ways it feels like an improvement to me where before i felt like absolutely 0 motivation at all, just sitting on tiktok for literally 6-10 hours per day (i basically havent even opened the app in like 2 months which felt like an improvement, but im now working WAY less even than when i was in that phase).. but the fact that this 'creative productivity and sociable/positive mood' is paired with me basically not doing my job AT ALL + not sleeping or eating, etc.. ive been feeling a little better in the past couple weeks because i thought like..maybe i have an 'addiction' or at the very least a destructive pattern so i thought the solution could be.. being mega aware of my actions at all times, meticulously tracking every hour of my day and recording what i do and making plans for every chunk of the day..which hasnt been hurting, it's helped me remember the really basic things, keeping my priorities 'straight' in theory. but every second of the day is this really uncomfortable restlessness and if i dont put my energy into a project or something that i'm excited about i feel like im crawling out of my skin.. ive been smoking like crazy. and now that ive finished my project i feel like im itching inside my skin lmao

idk especially reading people's posts on the reddit about how it's showed up throughout their life.. im just thinking about the year where i was 100% convinced that i was like.. in a simulation / samsara and that a meteor was coming.. and that i was getting visions of future iterations of the simulations thru my dreams. but i never told anyone about it because i was like,.. oh i dont actually believe these things, even though i'm terrified out of my mind thinking about them because they feel so real and if i see anything online that is slightly related to 'the simulation' or a meteor hitting earth i would spiral with paranoia and anxiety.

like i just feel like im screaming into the void in all my relationships trying to explain how out of control and scared i feel.. but everyone has just been like 'hey, it's alright, you seem fine to me, your standards for yourself are too high' and im like ok tell that to the fact i've worked maybe 5 hours a week every week for the last 3 months. like ive spent the last month pretty much terrified that im just going to keep making bad/impulsive decisions until i'm fired and/or dead

[abidethetempest]

Eliksni sentence #2 of Null Composure

wow! such progress! much conlang! anyway here's sentence two

English: It pulsed softly, checked and rechecked the permissions that summoned it, and then pushed a data spike solidly into the Vex domain.

Eliksni: Iidathem ir’lohtra aadekspriist, meyvikem taap seyr’meyvikem dreskibrik en kanen dulrakem, taap meydrem israankaviiyor ir’adryst ma’bev Veksehniin.

bonus: here's a behind-the-scenes into my VERY messy process with this sort of "middle step" where i put the sentence into Eliksni word order and mark up all the words so i know what will be a root word/affix/whatever.

Pulse-past simple gentle-adverb access point, check-past simple and two-check-past simple permission-plural RP 3sg summon-past simple, and push-past simple data-spear secure-adj inside Vex-realm.

notes below the cut so yall dont have to deal w a giant block of text (sorry! i'm not a very concise writer...)

stuff im proud of/want to highlight:

the construction for "data spike" literally meaning "machine-thought-spear"

the word for data isn't a direct compound of "machine" and "thought" bc that would be wayyy too long. i used a similar process as i do names where i mashed together individual syllables. i'm gonna try doing this more often, because i think over time really long compound nouns would just get squished down into a new noun

to say that an action is done again (in the way that the re- prefix does in English), you just prefix on "seyr" meaning two. (okay technically it's the counting word for two, not the plain numeral, but like shhhh i haven't even finished the numbers yet so never mind all that). if you wanted, you could just as easily use a higher number to really emphasize that you've done this action several times, tho anything higher than three comes across as very hyperbolic and usually is done in a joking tone.

the word for Vex is just Veks. no need to reinvent the wheel!

stuff that gave me a headache:

if you compare the sentences word-for-word you may notice i repeated the subject of the sentence "aadekspriist" at the beginning while the English sentences employs the pronoun "it". this is because in Eliksni, the subject of a sentence should not be a pronoun if there is ambiguity about what it is refering to. looking back at sentence 1, the last noun mentioned was "stone", not the access point. therefore, the subject of this sentence needed to be specified so a reader won't get confused about what "it" refers to.

the third person singular pronoun "kan" (here referring to the access point) is in the accusative form "kanen" in the relative clause to make it clear that is it the object of the verb "summoned". because the verb in relative clauses always goes to the end, word order couldn't be relied on to show what the pronoun was referring to

geez that was a lot, huh? if you made it this far, thanks for reading! i'd love to hear you folks' thoughts, ramblings, incoherent screaming into the void, whatever you got. all the tags on the last translation post i did really made me smile :D

new lexicon post will come soon-ish bc i have like twice as many words now! might just post a link to the spreadsheet if i can figure out how.....

Date: 7-31-23

[cthulhubrain]

i'm so elated you guys like my vaermina redesign attempt! aaaaaaaaaaaa

reading your tags and comments is making me giddy ^u^

I dunno if any of you like reading the thought process behind a piece, like i do, but if you do here's a lil ramble below the readmore:

honestly i was unsure with a lot of what to do with her. Like the snakes in eso's version of her, for example: I LOVE snakes, but I never understood where that decision came from. Did it come from adapting skyrim's vaermina book/wall art's shoulder-dragons into serpents? Who knows. But as much as I love snakes, there's a lot of overlap with other daedric princes there (peryite's lanky-dragony-ness, boethia's snake-dragon statue thingy), and I dunno it just feels like a knee-jerk reaction to associate 'evil tricksy deceptive lady' with snakes.

but I still tried to include them as like, sorta alternate smokey shoulder-accessory heads wearing her mask in my art, so there ya go.

I like that her hands turned out kinda spidery, but I'm sad the weird uneven extra fingers are sorta lost and not easy to pick out... maybe that works since it's a thing you don't notice unless you're really looking? I don't know. But yeah speaking of spiders, i'm desperate to include any sort of tie to her (new) daedra, mind-terrors (not just because they're my current favourite daedra of all time or anything), and something I stumbled across while finding them in the game is how upsettingly spider-like their movement can be. It's great! It immediately makes your brain go "haha nope", even if you happen to like real spiders. Sooooo, all this to say I stumbled my way into tying her back to her daedra with her hands, yay!

art is really a process of happy accidents.

I dont' know how well it comes across, but I really want to emphasize that the serene human-looking face is just her mask she has slightly lifted there, while the grooved void below is her actual face. I feel like it's not obvious enough and I might try doing more vaermina sketchings to play around with that.

[shinelikethunder]

#screaminggggggggggg at the way this is worded #i dont think they should smash though i think theyre Way Worse like this. in the Unsaid and Unspeakable territory. and i #like them worse. #the ambiguity of it all...... i dont even think theyd be capable of conceptualizing it but i think there is something #gnawing at the back of their minds. according to my school of thought it doesnt bring them anywhere near the ''let's do it'' territory #but i respect those who think so because the Unspoken is there. whatever it is. #the first seasons are really it for me tho. like i dont really get it later on despite the evidence (as op mentioned) because from s7 on th #show is lacking in horror vibes and the horror is the only space i can see it happening. if it did. im not making myself clear at all but #it's whatever. sorry for rambling (@girlphilipaugustus)

no no you're so right, the later-seasons brothermarriage stuff only manages to be as insane at it is because it's coasting on the radioactive fucked-up energy of that Intricate Ritual Dance around whatever abyss of the unsayable they'd been circling, back before the show abandoned its horror roots and (distinctly but sooo relatedly) succumbed to a long slow death of Terminal Does Not Fuck Disease.

like if early seasons sam/dean aren't fucking each other it's because whatever the hell they're doing with/through intricate rituals & third parties around the edge of their shared Unspeakable is way worse and more interesting and crackling with erotic horror - and, like, i fuckin' respect the integrity of committing to that, even if i'm an impatient bitch looking at the distance between two inexpressible longings and going "jesus christ though, how bad would it still be if they just did butt stuff as a poor man's substitute for crawling into each other's ribcages? ...pretty bad, if comparatively uncreative."

if post-s6 sam/dean are chewing at the bars of a technically-sexless brothermarriage, OTOH... it's because they've forgotten what Fucking is altogether and need to keep inventing insane alternate ways to consummate their union. and the entire world and the balance of the cosmos are gonna pay the price. something something a brightly-lit nothing is NOT an adequate enrichment substitute for a shadowy void teeming with implication; have you considered that maybe your american-gothic horror duo killed Death and pulled god's sister out of Primordial Jail because they were psychosexually understimulated? have you??? you can't displace them from their native ecosystem and stick them in a coolguy wizard bunker with some defenseless found family and NOT expect them to wreak havoc on the local wildlife

how dare you accuse me of "shipping wincest" when in fact i am observing wincest in its natural habitat (the cw's supernatural, 2005-2020)