#dont know what this one means but ive been having some sort of crisis for like 2 hours

[sweetbugs]

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

i just finished reading infinity alchemist by kacen callendar and boy oh boy, i loved this book, i think it has high potential to become a new big popular series, it just came out in february but i saw a lot of two star reviews on goodreads, mostly from people who flat out state that they didnt finish the book (which, for me, means you dont get an opinion on it) and as someone who actually did read the whole thing, i very much recommend it,

basically everyone is capable of alchemy on some level but some are better then others and in order to do the cool stuff, you need a license, but its a rigged system, so ash learns in secret instead, he meets ramsey, a deal is struck, hijinks ensue, theres trouble and danger, some people die, some people are saved, callum is a steady hand, and the book ends leaving you wondering

its what i feel to be a true young adult book, touching on adult themes without being explict, ie fade to black moments, or dancing around it, ie velvet wrapped steel,

theres a lot of good representation in the book between race, sexuality, and gender and none of it felt forced or shoved in my face, i did know it was likely polyam going in and i fear that mightve been a sort of turn off for some people

a lot of complaints i saw were about pacing issues and how it wrapped up too easily and i think thats quickly dissolved when you know theres a second book in the works because yes the big bad was dealt with, crisis averted, etc. but you get that bigger, badder vibe at the end, hinting at the next book i assume, so, not everything Did wrap up easily,

the magic system was fairly easy to follow but i do wish we had spent more time with ash learning because i thought it was interesting but i also think it would help readers understand some things more

there was a map and a list of the houses and what they do, ie guards vs merchants, but, like above, i wish there was also a list of the alchemy tiers because all i mainly caught about the tier system was the higher the level, the harder the magic and the more regulated it gets and then that ash can do tier four no problem, i want to know how many tiers there are and what exactly is in each one

all in all, this was not a perfect book but it was still a very good one, and, from my understanding, the authors introduction to ya fantasy, id give it a strong 9.8/10 because there are definitely things missing that i feel wouldnt strengthened the story but as far as a first book goes, regardless of genre introduction, i think it did very well, and ive read far worse books with far higher goodreads scores

mildly unimportant but i did see similarities between ash woods and simon snow which i thought were cool, kacen mightve taken inspiration (i truly have no idea) and that might bother some people but it was still fun for me to see

[vialacteas]

recently I quit my Big Girl Job...

it wasnt rlly a choice. i got burnout and it came to a point id cry all day from stress. i didnt recognize myself anymore and i still dont, its gonna take some time for me to recover from all...

but all the last conversations i had with coworkers and my managers replaced my anger with sadness instead. working for a multinational kind of messes with ur brain especially if u have a background like mine - someone who never had much chance to land on this type of position. my resume wasnt that impressive compared to the other interns who were all from brazilian ´ivy leagues´ and had the money to pretend they changed the world with voluntary work overseas... but despite it i got hired and promoted and had the opportunity to be transferred to different areas, while most of my intern peers didnt even get to be hired in the first place.

everyone i talked to this last week was shocked and sad that i was leaving and they were all super gracious abt it. it kind of frustrates me because for these last 3 years ive worked my ass off and rarely had any sort of recognition besides the times i got hired and promoted. and not to say that i need to be babied or whatever, but i barely had serious feedbacks about what was working and what wasnt. i just did what i had to do and sometimes that meant staying late, working for 3 different teams, going beyond my job description etc etc etc. it came to a point that all i ever did was to solve crisis after crisis.

no one was ever truly mean to me but also ive always felt incredibly isolated and alienated. no process to follow, no person to small talk, no time to even analyse my own work - despite absorbing things easily i still needed guidance sometimes and felt terrible every time i had to ask for help or admit that i didnt know how to do it. and i recognize part of why i got so far was because ive always been engaged and self taught, but it can get incredibly tiresome and time consuming to have to figure out everything by yourself.

i dont know if this is part of a natural process, to feel like youre growing ~unevenly~, and it wasnt the only reason why i quit. most of it was the stress and the amount of workload i had, which was kind of insane... but after talking to my managers they all said the same thing along the lines of being sorry for not realizing + understanding why its hard to say 'no'.

which is whats been kind of saddening me... my brain keeps telling me: what if i did things differently, what if i was more vocal about it. im not sure if me saying 'no' would ever work as the tasks needed to be done, but what if i at least tried harder... but then, i also didn't really know how i was being perceived. i have this horrible habit of thinking my coworkers and managers would barely stand me for doing the bare minimum. ive never felt like a good professional in the end. they have a different perception though, and i got told that it would be ok for me to negotiate my own conditions because i was valuable.

they said its something that i should take for my next job: understand that im also a person who has needs and as long as im doing my job, i should at least try to be heard. obviously thats a very capitalistic conversation bc ideally id want to run to the forests to live a self sustained life etc etc.

but anyway i will try to take it as a new start instead of an inevitable ending. bc it would never be sustaining for me to stay there for more years, its not the job i wanted tbh. ill just have to trust myself this time to follow my own path. and try to be happy with it.

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[the-hot-zone]

haha i am sending this on anon so no one sees me admit this but. part of the reason your poem resonated with me so deeply is because recently i have found myself becoming more and more attached to my internet friends and sometimes they say things or do things that make me want nothing more than to be able to sit near them and just look at them, to hear their voice in person, to see their smile directed at me or even to reach out and touch them. and then im like...do they feel the same way about me? do they love me just as much as i love them? and i feel a little ridiculous because i dont truly know them, we only know each other in the limited way the internet provides us and for all i know, im barely a passing thought to them. so the line i define you by all the things you have not told me is very relevant to my current crisis about this. and also just that desire to know what the really think of me and know who they really are but not being able to ask those questions because of fear which is another thing you fit seamlessly into your poem. ANYWAYS sorry for this mess, i just wanted to tell you that ive been having a really hard time with this in my life lately, and you put what i was feeling into words so perfectly with your writing. so thank you <3

anon, i am grabbing you through the screen right now. listen to me because i am not afraid to admit this. firstly, this is not a mess. thank you for putting this in my inbox; i am a little in love with you for it. secondly, you’re welcome. thirdly:

there are no check boxes for love. by this i mean there is no set time you must know someone for. there is no set amount of intimate reveals. there are no set first-meeting places. and sure it does depend on how much someone wants to be known but like dude. we’re in a pandemic. there are irl friends i haven’t seen in over a year whom i still love very much, whom i talk to every day over text. there are also internet friends i’ve known for less than a year whom i text every day, whom i love very much. the love i have for them is the same kind of love, and it grows so much stronger every day.

so it’s okay. it’s okay. it’s not a bad thing to become more attached to your friends, especially your internet ones. and yes it’s very painful to not know if they feel the same way. i mean the lines “if you were here right now it would be insufferably awkward. and i would just want to look. and i would just want to touch. not in any sort of charged way” were specifically written for some of my internet friends because this poem is me hiding in plain sight. these are the things i am too scared to say directly. and yes by god it’s painful to become more attached when you don’t know if the other feels the same way. the title of the poem says it all: i am going to jump in front of a train. because the entire poem is i love you not i love you, too. 

so yes, i understand how ridiculous it can feel and how scary it can be, but--this is a trade. it’s not impossible for your friends to feel the same way, for them to also want to reach out and touch. perhaps they are feeling ridiculous too. you can’t possibly know that. keep being there for your friends dude. i think you are loved. you’re alright. 

someone said this in the tags of my poem, so let me say this to you: what a privilege it is to be loved by you. come talk to me off anon if you want, i mean it. be well.

[troop52]

do u !!! have any character theme songs for the troop boys? Like any songs you think really fits them (and why u think it fits)?

THATS A GREAT QUESTION!!

Before I get into it Im going to plug this collaborative Troop Playlist on Spotify, feel free to add onto it!! Continuing with my picks

I think a lot of the songs I associate with The Troop in general are just because I happened to listen to them around the same time I got into the book in the first place (So they could only be tangentially related BUT only if you squint hard) Example: Drunk by The Living Tombstone, cant really tie it into the story but in my mind its linked Some better, more fitting songs under the cut (Side note its LONGGG IM SORRY... Also its all YouTube links because some of these arent on Spotify :'^()

Disclaimer -Like 95% of my choices arent really a "These lyrics match up exactly 1 to 1" but more of an overall "the vibe/general idea its trying to capture lines up" type thing. If that makes sense.

Its Alright by Jack Stauber: Kind of self explanatory, I think its a perfect song for these guys. From "It's alright, I'm here, Everything's alright, Feels weird but calm, I wanna hear It's alright" to the whole sound of it- its all great. Equal parts distressing and sad with an almost eerie calmness to it. Despite it all theyre gonna be alright, right?

The Second Little Piggy by Worthikids: Another one that I think is sort of self explanatory- at least with the chorus. "If my brain turns to mush, If the shit hits the fan, Will you be my friend?" Kind of the falling apart of everything, specifically their relationships, in light of the incident.

Poor George by James Supercave: Another case of "listened to at the same time I read the book" BUT I was actually making a Troop PMV script with that song. I never finished it but maybe Ill revisit it... just for you

Cold Summer by Le Matos ft Computer Magic: I dont even think this takes place in the summer but the VIBES and also it came from Summer of 84, which is another good piece of murder boy media.

Treehouse by Alex G ft Emily Yacina: This is a Eef and Max type of song because they are bffs and thats final. Basic song because Im not creative, but I think its a nice heart to heart theyd have (with Eef doing the talking)

Fifteen Minuets by Nick Krol: On the flipside heres a song that goes with Eef and Maxs friendship fracturing, once again more from Eefs side than Maxs. THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGG

As far as songs for the boys as individuals hmmm thats a good one that I havent thought about as much...

MAX + The Ghosts by The Real Tuesday Weld: That survivors guilt... lyrics arent like a perfect match but I think it gets that sort of hollow feeling across. Hes haunted man... + Final Girl by Electric Youth: Ok its a little funny because har har Final Girl Trope but I mean HE IS ONE. ANd dont look at me its a nice song- "Others were gone, and you kept going on, You know they never really noticed, you were always different, One by one, They're all done, And you're the last one standing" + Going Grazy by Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks: HONESTLY this could go for all the characters but Im tagging it onto Max because hes the one who has to deal with the aftermath of losing everyone (sorry survivors guilt Max again </3) "Everyone's saying my mind is unsound, 'Cause I always see you when you aren't around" "They're gonna wrap me in a jacket of white, And lock me away in a room without light" is what cements it as a Max song for me

EEF + The Existential Threat by Sparks: Once again starting sad, I link this one specifically to his paranoia about the worms- especially with lines like "Can't they see the existential threat is on its way". Kind of exasperated no one else can see the danger (he thinks) hes in. + Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother: I know I know its basic but I cant help it!!! Eef anger issues arc we are shaking hands me too + Haunted by Laura Les: Eef struggles with people seeing him as "just like his father" and I think we can get some good angst out of this track if we keep that in mind. Especially the back half of the song with lyrics like "Do you think I'm frightening?" and "Mirrors shatter when I'm passing, broken glass and crashing" since he is just a reflection of his dad (to others at least). Also song good.

KENT + Goodbye Mr A by The Hoosiers: Mfw the disillusionment with authority sets in. I think the vibe fits when he had that little epiphany about how adults are fucked- not perfect but it gets the idea across me thinks. + I'm Gonna Win by Rob Cantor: Ties into his need to "win" aka be the best at everything, be in charge, all that jazz! Hell do whatever it takes to be successful, even if it hurts. That was a little emo + Toba the Tura by Forgive Durden ft Chris Conley: Not to be emo again but "They say you're gifted, well I just see a scared kid. They must have flipped it, your skills are latent. O, you snuffed the glow. Replaced it with coals. Threw away the throne... This mess that you've made, it's a six-foot grave. It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear, but you'll stay here to rot" AND SO ON AND SO FOURTH representing his fall after it was revealed he was sick. He was referred to as "the uncrowned king" and was on top of the world but then POOF that all crumbled and it was made out that he basically deserved what happened to him. It would be fun to make a pmv of him with this song (Simplifying my thoughts a bit because Ive already written a LOT)

NEWT + I Earn My Life by Lemon Demon: Ok a little Kentcore but Im actually having a hard time coming up with songs for Newton so here we are, they can share. Newt existential crisis moment time I guess + Know How by The Crane Wives: POV Newt struggles with going through with the plans he makes to keep everyone safe (stopping Max from touching Kent, going back into the cabin, etc) "I am not brave, I am not brave, I keep my focus on what is safe, You drew a line, made up your mind, And now I'm struggling to realize" And also maybe struggling with his place in the group and as a person in general- all that living through his cousin thing. "I gotta wrap my head around, What my heart is telling me, I've been trying to drown it out, Just because I know what I am, I am supposed to do now, Doesn't mean I know, Doesn't mean I know how" + On The Outside by Oingo Boingo: Idk man. Hes on the outside lookin in!! Loner nerd!! Its ok though, we still love him

SHEL + Bad Blood by Creature Feature: The lyrics speak for themselves: "I can guarantee I will do evil things, The only way that you can stop me now, Is if you put me in the ground, Somewhere I'll never be found" + Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches: Hinges on the fact that the principal or whoever was like "Your sons a freak" and Shels mom was like "HES PERFECTLY FINE" while Shelley was like dismembering an animal or something + Johnny by American Murder Song: The songs good but theres this ONE LYRIC that sucks so the link provided is an edited version and also a lovely Warriors oc video I think you should all enjoy and support <3 Anyway Shel would be Johnny I could see this song being a scene in the book. Field trip to Shels house and they find his murder garden

If anyone wants more for Im not opposed to making another post :^)

[xannerz]

ramble alert! 💿🤪💬🚨 

so my blaw$chool finally had both its ‘20/’21 graduation cermonies today and i just sort of feel very like, numb??? about it?? and then i yo-yo to feeling despondent, then i feel selfish or unfair because i should be like vocally happier for my friends?

i mean, i am. of course im happy! they’re passionate about it and they worked hard and i’m glad they made it to the finish line. i joke now, i can tell people that ill have my legal team on them if they give me any problems, and we laugh about it, but y’know... there’s still that feeling of being Unaccomplished or on the Outside. we hang out and there’s always that minimum 45 min window where they all talk about l@wyer things and im sitting there like “ : ) haha yeah! “

 though i know i don’t want to pursue that career path anymore, but like, y’know, it’s just this vague feeling of being the Not in the Group even though no one thinks of me as the Other/Dropout (i think??) lmfao

idk, like. 💿 4 years of college on a pre-law track and then a gap year to prep for the l$at and then 2 years of living on autopilot bc i thought this is what i had/wanted to do, it still sucks, and maybe i should be over it by now since i dropped out in spring 2019, but i never really had time to process everything??

2019 was rife with issues and my mom almost died then the global panorama happened as that was settling and i’m grateful i got a job at the start of it but y’know like (🧿) ... i think i’m just really starting to chew through the weird like grief/bitterness that i didnt - couldnt - process, even w having th3rapy peppered in throughout the last couple years.

idk. lost time! it’s a whole thing!

and the whole like “you cant wait for xyz good thing to happen you have to take it” platitude doesnt sit right with me because it’s like (hello!) that’s literally what i did. i worked ✨so✨ hard at my own expense and just seeing people sort of settle in to where they need to be now while i’m like silently flailing, oof. im happy for them because them getting to where they want to be should be the natural conclusion of their endeavors. i want that for my friends. but a childish voice in me is just like why couldnt that be me, too?

i was so confident that like, everything would have worked out by now. because i was working so hard. now i’m Tired and Frustrated and i feel like im like standing at the precipice of some breakthrough but it feels so fake?? lol?? 

idk like ive accepted where i am and know i have 0 interest in going back to any program Because of Reasons, but i dont like where i am, yk?? : | i wish i was brave enough to go into PR or art or something way before so i didnt have to deal w this overplayed angst now. 

(i wonder how much better my art would have been if i didnt have that weird spotty dry spell from 2016 thru 2019, too??) 

but, no lmfaoo i just like shoehorned myself into that career path and the only thing that made any of that worth it are the friends i made through that program.

ಥ_ಥ they’re just... so, so good and loving, and i appreciate them so much🧀

another friend msged me a couple days ago in a crisis bc he’s sure he failed the b a r for the 3rd time and he’s like “you’re the only other creative person who went to that school,” and saying how he didnt want to hear from our other friends how struggling has no bearing on XYZ and i’m like, i get it. i 10000% get it. and we had a long back and forth and i’m just... relieved>>>?? i helped him feel better at all??? it felt weird being the one to say it to someone, tho - saying that our friends love you, not l@wyer you. it feels childish jotting this down but idk! i just! have a lot of thoughts on this & i’m still processing it all 🗣🗣🗣

(& re: the grad -  duh, yeah , i’ve been avoiding $ocial m3dia but yknow, like, i still peeked once or twice and seeing like some of my closest friends or classmates huddled together... saw a pic w one of my favorite professors and that was bittersweet, too. uhh, i shouldnt have peeked lmao. i’ve been in a sore spot mentally anyway so that just... wasn’t wise LMFAO 🔬🧠)

but - im fine! i’m functional. i just dont know when or how i’ll get to bein like, good again. ive been thinking abt looking into becoming a st0ryboarder. idk! idk. i just feel so behind and understimulated but overwhelmed and i miss the energy i had before i grad’d college? just absolutely ambitious and wide-eyed and ready to throw myself into anything to just to get to where i needed to be and now i’m like “no. maybe... maybe tomorrow.”

ok this is a mess im gonna go wash my face now 🏃‍♀️💨💨💨

[crowsent]

a fuckton of things i want in da4

a few words censored bc tumblr will swallow this in the void if i dont. long ass fuck list ahead

a romanceable dwarf

more romanceable elves/qunari

more elf/qunari/dwarf companions

consistent writing for once

more nb representation

good hair. please just give me good hair options. give me long hair. give me luxurious flowing locks. give me braids. give me good fucking hair options

let me shittalk the chantry

dalish elf npcs that impact the plot in unique ways

dalish elf companions that are proud of being dalish

if it is set in tevinter maybe uh. maybe address the issue of systemic oppression (and slavery) of elves???????

a return of the friendship/rivalry system in da2 but improved. maybe instead of a friendship rivalry sliding scale its friendship/rivalry/animosity sliding scale. bc rivalry is more like. two people pushing each other to be better than they were before. friendly competition. hes an idiot but hes my idiot kind of deal. animosity would be just regular disapproval. i liked the crisis cutscenes in dai so high animosity would be the same as low approval and might make the companion leave still, but theres more variety with high approval. high approval “friendship” would be the “were best friends and we share many opinions and agree on almost everything” while high approval “rivalry” being “we disagree on almost everything but goddamn it youre my friend and ill follow you into the fade if i have to” so you can have a high approval with someone instead of being a kissass

actions and choices having consequences again

multiple endings again (epilogue slideshows dont count)

dialogue wheels with descriptions that match what you actually say

characters from rivain, antiva, anderfels, etc

gifts. bring back the gifts. i want to give my companions gifts

maybe. maybe a focus of non-andrastian religion for once?

let me shittalk the chantry

i know its a stretch, but maybe. diverse skin colours. please?

nd characters that are written respectfully and treated w dignity

please bring back the talent wheel from dao and da2

more bi romance options

more wlw romance options

more mlm romance options

ace romance options

nb romance options

background romances

let me shittalk the chantry

far fetched but maybe a polycule?

i lowkey LOVED the fast-paced feel of da2s combat so maybe bring that back in some form? maybe improved to mesh with the tactics of dai to give players absolute freedom of playstyle whether they want to be like me and rush into every encounter or play more strategically

companions with unique companion abilities

would be nice to explore cities

would be nice if the open world were a little smaller so it doesnt feel empty all the gd time

more mage spells. mages felt like just another class of fighter to me in dai. they dont really have any awe-inducing wow factor like in dao or even da2. if the narrative wants me to believe that mages are powerful and dangerous and that it takes multiple templars to hunt down an apostate, maybe show that? give me strong mages

remove the jump ability. its pointless

a narrative that addresses the oppression that the chantry and templars perpetuated please

bring back the attributes

make the choices in dai matter. mages governing themselves? i wanna see that

let me shittalk the chantry

please bring back the healing magic for fucks sakes

multi-class system between rogues and warriors?

multiple specialisations that feel like specialisations and not just skill tree+

player-only skill trees

hardening

companion quests that affect their abilities and further dialogue

actual morally grey choices instead of this stupid mage freedom vs templar oppression narrative that is in no way morally grey but is presented as such and thus leaves the conflicts and narratives set up by dao and da2 to be fucking meaningless

bring back the tactics

would be nice to have an origins-esque prologue again. maybe one that would determine future events in game just to give your character better narrative cohesion with the plot

an approval/disapproval system but for companions with other companions. bringing certain companions together may bring them closer or make them pissed off with each other which affects banter maybe quests maybe combat

give me a fucking mabari bioware. give me back my fucking mabari

day/night cycle

a nightmare mode where you have to finish the main quest on a time limit. it is absurd that dai expects me to believe that i have all this time to do wartable missions that can take literal real life DAYS to finish and still thwart corypheus’ plans in time. bullshit

that said. no more wartable missions. waiting for a countdown to finish isnt very fun

let me shittalk the chantry

kal-sharok. ive been hearing about it since dao let me fucking see kal-sharok

dwarven politics

politics in general. my fav dao quest was the succession crisis plotline in orzammar/the landsmeet and wewh in dai

npcs i can talk to. even with generic dialogue like in dao. makes the world more alive

using the environment to your advantage. far fetched but i would love to be able to pull down boulders if were in the mountains or freeze water to get to places as a mage

home base customisation but the customisation choices you make actually. mean something. and do something. or at the very least give more companion dialogue/banter/approval change

laconic and ergonomic codexes. like. sorted by what kind of codex it is, etc etc but then you just get a brief summary of the codex and the option to read more about it so i dont spend eternity scrolling through cards looking for a specific codex entry. cool aesthetic dont get me wrong but real irritating to deal with. also. maybe. the pc making comments about the codex if you do read more about it? like a dalish elf saying “they got it all wrong” when reading a codex about dalish elves written by a human??? that would a) give character to the pc b) incentivise people to actually read the codex to see what was so wrong about it c) summarise the codex for people who want to learn the lore but dont want to spent the entire game reading text

maybe have the merchants in your home base close to crafting stations so you dont have to take a fucking hike if you miscounted the amount of elfroot you need?

let me shittalk the chantry

avvar companion maybe??? interesting lore right there

bring back stat requirements for weapons and remove the class restriction for most shit. obviously a dagger would be better for a rogue than a longsword and a mage would do better with a staff than a sword and shield but its not about efficiency. its about the roleplay. its about the options. give me the option to make a mage with wildly inappropriate stat distribution

bring back sustained mode abilities

traps. bring back traps. bring back the option to stealth into an area, trap the fuck out of it, and go from there

have the three available classes in kind of a rock paper scissors scenario. warriors do real well against rogues who do real well against mages who do real well against warriors. so you can plan your party depending on who/what youll face AND how much their approval will change during the quest you take them on

let me shittalk the chantry

actually resolve the plot points introduced in dai

a more threatening villain. the inquisitor thwarted every attempt made by corypheus in dai. he was not threatening at all

queer characters. background, companions, etc. queer characters

mounts were meh in dai. maybe. make them faster? or less cumbersome? or have your companions on mounts too so theres still banter?

i liked the armour tinting. let me have armour tinting from the beginning

i would really like mages to move and attack at the same time bc lowkey standing in one spot is uhhhhhhh kinda boring

let me check companions friendship/rivalry levels

would be nice if the narrative acknowledged that elves suffered greatly at the hands of the chantry and stopped victim-blaming them

more taverns. specifically like tapsters in dao where theres a dwarf just reciting something in a language i cant understand and if you look its a ballad/poet about dwarven culture and that was a real nice touch let me have that

dalish elf clan. dalish elf clan that does not get murdered please and thank you

meaningful quests. more cinematic dialogue

make found gear / quest reward gear more valuable than crafted gear

game modifiers like in dai were real nice. i want more

let me shittalk the chantry

quests that can be resolved in multiple ways. like connors fate in dao. and for those ways to impact further quests

companions with varying moral alignments

companions that are mutually exclusive (like alistair and loghain) but are both good companions so itd really make you think

a pc that IS NOT a “chosen one” vanilla da2 is my fav dragon age game for one reason and one reason only and that is because hawke is just some random refugee who escaped lothering. no chosen one magic at all. just an ordinary person who is a real good fighter. and that appealed to me more than this “you are the only one who can do it” narrative

let me meet more elvhen gods

if the setting is in tevinter, GIVE ME FUCKING ARCHITECTURE. give me the high spires, the archways, the buttresses, give me statues lining city gates and magic infused into the buildings. tevinter is a land ruled by MAGES give me magical architecture. give me floating buildings. give me fire floating as orbs above the streets like lamps. GIVE ME ARCHITECTURE

SHALE

let me shittalk the chantry

PIERCINGS GIVE ME FUCKING PIERCINGS BIOWARE

more main quests, longer main quests

if it is set in tevinter maybe. maybe address the fact that tevinter has been at war with the qunari for a while? on and off war is still war. and maybe give us the option to influence the outcome of that war?

more voice options. instead of just american voice or british voice, do the thing in dao again where there are multiple voices of different tones to further cement the pcs personality

more armour designs

biased but uh. can. can taliesen jaffe va a character?

i already said qunari companions but specifically saarebas companions

blood magic

FINISHING MOVE ANIMATIONS

please do not let it be as long as inquisition. inquisition was a SLOG in later playthroughs

body sliders. what if i want a tall but lanky qunari? what if i want a buff as shit elf? body sliders

more eye options

let me call out companions

btw bioware. if you really wanted cullen to be a good guy. maybe handle his fucking redemption arc a little better instead of retconning all the terrible and creepy shit hes done in the past k thx

can female walk/run animations not have. so much swaying hips? no one moves like that

personality dialogue that affects future dialogue like in da2 but meshed with the wider range of emotions introduced by dai

keep the race/s*x lock on romance candidates like in dai. keep the fact that some characters can only be romanced by certain races or s*xes

nb and genderqueer options for the pc

cutscenes of companions interacting

ngl i lowkey liked the random encounters of dao so maybe bring that back

my fav quest in dao is the landsmeet / orzammar succession crisis questline but you know whats my second favourite? the rescue mission if the warden gets captured and you have to play as your party members. give me that again

more creepy/dark shit. dai was too lighthearted for me esp after da2 and dao

let me shittalk the chantry

broodmothers. in hd.

red lyrium broodmothers. in hd

companions with different backgrounds. different faiths. different statuses. different families. etc

maybe make the pcs appearance make an impact on the story? like how bull says he likes redheads, but even if you are a redhead, he says nothing about it????? maybe keep track of which slider the player picks so that can affect the story?

i love my inquisitors but maybe. dont. bring the inquisitor in as anything more than an advisor/npc in this game? let me fall in love with a new pc???

if theres gonna be a homebase like skyhold where youre not in armor. maybe give us better clothing?

a kind of gear skin mechanic similar to ac:odyssey where you can change how the gear looks but keep the stats. so you can equip that higher level armour and keep the look and aesthetic of your old armour and you unlock the skins/looks of the armours you discover/make so you can be both powerful AND aesthetic

i enjoyed the nobility/underworld/arcane/etc knowledge in dai unlocking more dialogue options so maybe keep/expand on that but make it more accessible by side missions or companions or something that isnt the abysmal perk system in dai

let me shittalk the chantry

customisable walking animations. does the pc walk straightbacked? slouched? with a swagger? please

since there will undoubtedly be an obligatory fade sequence, maybe have an option for nightmare demons that ARENT spiders. thank you

slap on subtitles and conlang some languages. i want to hear elvish. i want to hear tevene. give me the languages

more dragons. esp if they look vastly different

more bard songs

i am completely biased here, but i would like to hear laura bailey as a va for a character. preferably a voice option for the pc

hey maybe have the true ending actually included in the base game and not in a dlc (tresppasser cough cough)

better val royeaux

please remove the had to do it to em idle animation tis distracting

on that note, more idle animations. maybe some unique to companions?

very trivial but. unique stair climbing/descending animation

bring back talking to companions on the road. maybe with some dialogue that can only be said on the road???

if banter is interrupted, make like rdr2 and pick up where the banter left off

more vallaslin designs please?

if theres another formal scene like dai maybe. give us. decent clothing. or better yet, decen clothing OPTIONS. i wanna decide how i look in a ball full of haughty orlesians

mage vs templar conflict resolved and addressed please. it is NOT resolved in dai. what we got was sequel bait and a slideshow. resolve it please

let me shittalk the chantry

a pro-mage anti-circle circle mage companion like anders

religious person who doesnt victim-blame elves in the codex or in game or anywhere please

characters more like leliana who question the chantry and acknowledge its corruption and greed

unapologetically sapphic companion

idc if its tevinter i dont want to fucking see queer people being disrespected

a true tal-vashoth companion, one who escaped from the qun

have quest decisions affect whether or not a companion will turn hostile to you or not

if IF solas will be redeemed, please do the redemption arc right

more horn options for qunari

an apostate mage who doesnt use me for their personal agenda whilst hiding something from me (morrigan, anders, solas) thanks

i really dig the whole “leader of an army” thing dai was trying to go for. but you didnt actually. lead. anything. would be nice to have that option. command soldiers. send them places that affect further quests. would even use the wartable for its intended purpose. planning wars. battles. like. you get sent word that there are bandits harassing villagers. you can set up an ambush with your soldiers or confront them headon, and theres a new mini-location on the map like the manor you meet vivienne in where you can go deal with the bandits and depending on your choices, there are actually soldiers with you in a field, or traps in a narrow pass, or even in a city. id rather the wartable shit dont return but if they have to, at least this way youre not just waiting real life time for a bunch of text to appear

i am real fucking excited for the possibility that da4 companions can just fucking die on you. good shit. give me that angst

missions that certain companions would refuse to go with you to. you know. so you actually have to use other members of your party instead of the same 3 (three) people all the goddamn time

disabled characters (i want a character who suffers from the same chronic bad leg disease as i do is that too much to ask)

kinda touched on by the da2 combat point but let me do close combat damage with the staff

no multiplayer. and if there is a multiplayer, dont tie it with achievements

let me fucking explore weisshaupt

(i dont think solas will be the endgame villain of da and i dont think da4 will be the last da game but still) again. for emphasis. resolve the plot points dai brought up

full-body scars and tattoo options

companions and npcs changing their opinions about things over time. eg: a pro-circle mage wanting instead for circles to be abolished after a specific side mission or a main quest decision etc

keep the multiple companion quests. and maybe change what kinds of companion quests are available further down depending on choices made in previous companion quests

please for fucks sake give us more characters of colour

let me shittalk the chantry

[violasmirabiles]

got tagged by @panwriter, thank you xx

1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise? ali. pronounce it however you like i dont really care lol

2. when is your birthday? march 26. so just a few weeks from now. oh boy

3. where do you live? joensuu, finland babey

4. three things you are doing right now? pretending im reading the essays i shouldve read for methodology class weeks ago, making a list of things i need to get from the university library (and where those books are exactly - i dont actually go to the uni library very often at all but for some reason rather many of the books i need arent available as ebooks), trying to drink the second bucket of coffee of the day without spilling it everywhere

5. four fandoms that have piqued your interest? re-animator; stephen king multiverse (was gonna just say the shining and doctor sleep but we all know its more than that); saw franchise; the godfather. though with sk and godfather im basically just playing in my own little isolated sandbox and im more than fine with that thank you

6. how has the pandemic been treating you? ah well. its been treating me. got my ba degree and generally have been able to study more so thats good. spent five months with my family in tampere last year and itd probably be good for me to go there again but as it is im stuck in my apartment because of doctors appointments. like thats the only reason i cant just Go. also i recently realized i havent seen my grandma in over a year and cried about that. choir stuff is obviously all fucky and uncertain. also having time to think about things and stuff means ive been figuring out gender stuff so thats been.....interesting....and energy consuming.....and crisis inducing

7. a song you can’t stop listening to right now? täällä on joku by absoluuttinen nollapiste, its finnish weirdness hours in my head 247

8. recommend a movie. i mean, yeah, re-animator

9. how old are you? 25. 26 in a few weeks

10. school, university, occupation, other? university of eastern finland, babey! english language and culture major, literature minor. did my ba thesis on the shining. the novel, fuck the kubrick film, and wouldnt have been allowed to do my thesis about a film anyway. so right now im a masters student and will start working on my ma thesis next year, trying to get as many classes out of the way before that as possible. dont know what im gonna be once i graduate and id really rather not think about that but i do like studying in spite of everything

11. do you prefer heat or cold? heat. but, like... thats relative, isnt it? what i consider warm is Definitely Not warm to someone who lives in, like, texas. and i Tolerate cold and, christ i dont know. my favorite season is spring.

12. name one fact others may not know about you. once came second in a school skiing competition! i was ten. we didnt get medals, we got like pins/brooches and i still have my silver brooch somewhere

13. are you shy? sometimes. often. im anxious

14. pronouns? they/them. like i said ive been trying to figure out gender stuff and the only thing im Very sure of is that i am Not Cis, and im scared, and i get easily defensive about it all, and i have a lot of internalized issues i need to work on. gendered pronouns are like my number one personal enemy, i need the sort of....neutrality, ambiguity, yknow. finnish does not Have gendered pronouns, we have hän for he/she/they/every neopronoun - and we dont even fucking use that one, everyones just se (it) and thats all fine and dandy when you dont want to Think about your Gender every time someone refers to you and im rambling because i am once again getting defensive for no reason sdfdsfs yeah theres still a lot to unload here i swear were getting there

15. biggest pet peeves? on a bad day? everything. but to give an actual answer, people not realizing their experiences are not universal and that their actions can and will have an effect on others

16. what is your favorite “-dere” type? glad to say im temporarily illiterate so i dont know what this says

17. rate your life from 1 to 10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be im afraid i cant do that luv i dont want to have a breakdown

18. what’s your main blog? this one babey

19. list your side blogs and what they’re used for. i have @ihmekukkavesi for my photography and @shineondoc for university hell and occasional doctor sleep/the shining yelling. im not gonna call it my studyblr cos it....its really not....its not. im not a good student. im not organized, i dont feel like im Doing This right. im definitely not exemplary. everything becomes a crisis and i need to let it out somewhere and thats what shineondoc is for. 

20. is there something people need to know about you before becoming friend? oh boy. uh. im not good at keeping a conversation going. yet at the same time i cannot fucking shut up if were talking about something im excited about. i dont know how Real this is but i feel like i might come across as like...arrogant or something but i swear im just scared and trying to keep myself from Rambling(tm) and. well. trying to sound like a normal fucking person. 

tagging @nowendil @appelssiini @librarytraveller @sailonacrossthesea @stokoetopia @kirsikkaprinsessa and anyone whos bored and wants to do this

[harrystylescherry]

I’ve been noticing this trend of a bunch of harries ignoring the whole Palestine crisis. Why is that? (Like I’m genuinely curious cuz I’m new to Harry stuff but have some family from Palestine) & like I follow a bunch of Harry blogs, and FOR sure NO ONE is obligated to speak about it but like why is there a MASS of harries literally not acknowledging it?? Is it cuz of the Harry Zionist thing? Like is that Zionism rumor actually true? I know he’s close to Ben Winston who’s pro Israel but ?? (I don’t mean this to come off all interrogatory or anything I’m genuinely curious why it’s being ignored by majority of the fandom)

Theres a difference between us ignoring the issue and feeling that we’re not educated enough to speak on it—for me its the latter. You say you’re not trying to, but you are making the assumption that we dont care or that the absolutely baseless rumors about harry being a zionist are true—and theyre not.

Ive been trying to educate myself the past few months and im still confused because there is so much propaganda surrounding the issue and i find it extremely difficult to sort through on my own.

Also, idk who you follow, but theres been a lot of palestine posts on my own dash, so i wouldnt say its a MASS of harries—its just who you follow. You said you dont mean to come off interrogatory, but you do. Also, we are not activists lol so we DONT have any obligation like you said—even tho you said that and demand an answer as to why no ones posting about it. Why are you looking to us anyway? And just because people arent posting about it here, doesnt mean they arent posting about it on their personal social medias.

Personally, im taking the time to read articles and try to educate myself. Im pro-palestine, but thats only a new development for me because its taken me SO long to SEE and FIND OUT what is actually going on over there because the information ive been getting has been so muddled (before i wasnt on either side, i was just extremely confused). But i havent posted because i literally know the BARE MINIMUM and i dont want to post something misinformed. I think you need to give people the chance to learn and make their own decisions. Just because someone hasnt posted, it doesnt mean they dont care or are a zionist—and a lot of people need to stop automatically assuming that.

[aardvaark]

i know everyone gets mad at judy for always checking things like whats happening in the police precinct with the crimes or talking to detectives about those cases and all. i can totally see why jen and all are having a problem with that (steve is technically another example but he can - and lowkey did - die in a hole). it does look dodgy and weird and the situation is stressful for her (”her” being jen - from now on im just gonna refer to jen bc ew steve, so yeah sorry).

i mean i dont like that jen was still being rude or speaking to her like a child except worse and more angrily. she was condescending. but i do understand, at least, the fear resulting in anger at judy.

but ive been thinking about it, and i think the reason judy has a hard time sticking out of these issues is probably because she has previously had to solve every single issue shes experienced alone, when she was young. and she had to be constantly aware - has someone noticed my mother isnt going to school events? has someone noticed that im cooking and cleaning for myself? has someone noticed im tired and stressed? because if a teacher finds out, theyre going to do something, and i dont want to upset my mother because im sure somewhere deep down she really does care and love me sometimes. i dont want to upset anyone at all. 

you’d fear massive changes in your life - everything needs to stay the same, even if its not stable, theres a kind of makeshift stability in constant instability. in always having to manage a crisis. theres steps, theres a mental checklist, theres things to do. she probably thought change would still be worse than this; a total upheaval in the short-term. no guarantee of stability in the future. as things were, she had the guarantee of instability, but it was still a guarantee. 

she’d have to just reason that she could cope with anything. its what i always hear about kids in neglectful or abusive situations, its a pattern i think a lot of us have experienced: “you’re so mature for your age!” / “you’re special (or smart)” / “you’re so grown up!” / “you’re so responsible!” / “you’re sorry kind and sympathetic to your peers!”. this isnt meant to hurt, it doesnt necessarily hurt, its often from other adults who have no idea whats happening. but the behavior theyre seeing is more along the lines of: quiet, constantly alert, anxious, sad, upset, fearful. 

[imo, theres a harmful misconception that quiet/stressed/rarely happy = growing up, becoming more mature. i do think its kind of awful that you’re not meant to have that child-like fascination and excitement with the world when you get older, but its true that just does often go away a little with time, completely naturally. but it can also be harmful to make that A Thing, because childhood depression and anxiety or experiencing potentially traumatic or otherwise stressful and upsetting situations can also lead to showing similar signs - just faster, earlier. and these can be misread as just being very mature for your age. but thats a separate issue i have with the world, lol.]

anyway, so shes found the only option is to hide the problems and present as totally fine. make excuses. lie. keep secrets. these behaviours have stuck with her, too. and so would the feeling that there is constant danger. she must know what the exact extent of the danger is at all times because she must monitor everything. she needs to be on the lookout for threats, because there are always threats. she has to check, be responsible, no one is going to help her, theres an order to the disorder, theres a way to manage the chaos and only she knows how because this is just another crisis. her average state, a day-in-the-life of judy hale.

shes always had to do that, in the context of her growing up. but although its the same feeling of stress, its a different context now, and that behaviour is a lot more suspicious in this situation. especially now, because shes an adult. and now shes not alone in the stressful environment, other people (eg jen w/the murder) want and need a say in how problems are being sorted out. and jen is kinda right, you know, you cant go around checking in with the police, it looks pretty odd. judys form of crisis management isnt applicable here, but judy doesnt really think about that, shes thinking about how best to keep herself safe. and thats how she thinks she is going to be safe, because thats what has worked. in fact, she was doing it because she wants jen to be safe, too. 

shes doing the best she can with what she has, but her childhood was terrible and she never had the opportunity to form normal, more effective, adult-life socially applicable crisis management skills. all she did get was what she had to do as a child, to protect herself in a horribly twisted way, because she was a child who did not get to grow up in the way everyone else did. she missed out on a lot of things that you gain when youre not under extreme pressure just to survive and hide major problems while also having to live with those major problems. she didnt get to learn how to find more subtle ways of getting information, or when it was better to just not interact at all. 

what she learnt let her live back then, it prevented her world from unravelling. how can she be expected to let go of those makeshift survival skills? how can she be expected to go against the instincts that have clearly saved her before? how can she be expected to confront her slowly growing understanding that her life should never have been like that, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she has had a horrible thing happen to her, that countless horrible things have happened to her, how can she be expected to accept that she deserved better than she has ever gotten? how can she be expected to allow herself all these feelings and fears she has been pushing down her entire life?

admitting/realising that she doesnt know what to do, that she isnt safe and cant control the situation by herself, means admitting far too much: it means admitting that she was never meant to be capable of coping by herself, that she actually couldnt cope with literally everything life threw her way no matter what - shes not okay, she didnt have some supernatural ability to somehow deal with everything, and she wasnt supposed to. that her mother knowingly put her in an unsafe situation, and she was not meant to just learn how to cope.

i dont think jen does or really truly can currently realise that, but i hope she starts to see that if she learns more about judy’s mom and all... she definitely didnt get that judy was stressed and actually doing what she thought was great, and also that what she has been doing isnt out of naivety or something, but kind of the opposite - more like she knows too much, has been too exposed, and now shes just applying those things here but it doesnt work here.

[philip-seville-archive]

Personal Crisis #28973 || Pipin Texts

Pip texts Pin during the Tad disaster (tm) as he goes thru an emotional crisis

@rich-kid-problems

Pin Nam

how dare you watch Cinderella with booboo instead of me

he always falls asleep at the best parts!

Pip Seville

omg did u not see i will be watching for 72 hours straight

i assume at some point u will come over

Pin Nam

yes i absolutely will im just saying the first showing is the showing of honor and booboo wasted it by sleeping!

Pip Seville

Um he was awake during the WHOLE thing thank u

also im literally having a personal crisis not to distract from this

Pin Nam

OH MY GOD

I JUST SAW TWITTER

Pip Seville

i am not CRAZY RIGHT

Pin Nam

ahahahahahahahahahahaha

Pip Seville

TAD IS CRAZY RIGHT?

Pin Nam

weeeellll you two were pretty close pals

Pip Seville

no we werent!

i literally barely see him

Pin Nam

technically you sort of went on dates you even dressed him

Pip Seville

and when i see him its to help him adjust to swynlake im basically a tour guide

that was not romantic!

Pin Nam

oh man how does it feel to have two boyfriends

Pip Seville

I DONT

i dont even have one boyfriend louie is NOT a boyfriend

we are going on dates

that is VERY different

Pin Nam

all im saying is that you're a hot commodity pip you have boys chasing you all over town

look at you go

Pip Seville

well its been 16 years without a single romantic prospect so the universe owes me is what i would say if this wasnt LITERALLY a practical joke

how the hell can i have a dude chasing me and not even SEE it

Pin Nam

well

you're not exactly the most observant

Pip Seville

um rude

Pin Nam

i'm pretty sure eric had a little crush on you for like two years in middle school

Pip Seville

i literally run a gossip blog where i observe things

and he did not either

Pin Nam

did you even know that until i said it right now? no

see lol

Pip Seville

thats a lie u do not have to LIE to me to make me feel better about my inexperience

did YOU know tad liked me??? of course u did not

Pin Nam

i'm not lying to make you feel better i'm telling you that you have the observational skills of a spoon when it comes to yourself

i had an inkling

he followed you around everywhere pip

Pip Seville

Because i was NICE

people are so impatient with him

this is not my fault

you're talking like this is MY fault and i led him on i did not do that

Pin Nam

i don't think you led him on i think it's his fault for not saying anything

you absolutely did nothing wrong at all lol

i'm just surprised you didn't guess he liked you

Pip Seville

why would i think that ? have you seen tad

like ok maybe after the medieval ball thing i thought maybe he could be queer or something but

ugh never mind

i hate everyone

why cant people just be FORWARD

Pin Nam

hey i agree i'm forward all the time it works out for me lol

Pip Seville

this is just so unnecessarily stressful ive decided romance is stupid u were right all along

Pin Nam

thank you it really is ridiculous

it belongs in movies

Pip Seville

yeah i am over it im literally never leaving my couch forever

Pin Nam

are you going to be okay?

Pip Seville

of course i will i mean

like you said i did nothing wrong

i have a date with louie

its whatever

Pin Nam

you also have to tell me how that goes you know i literally cannot picture what a date with louie mallard would be like besides chaotic

Pip Seville

actually i feel like trash i take it back

Pin Nam

There it is

i'm sorry pip

just know that you really did do nothing wrong and if he liked you he should've said something. do you like him back?

Pip Seville

no! he is the opposite of my type

i mean besides being very cute like objectively he's gorgeous

but what would we even do on a date? i mean, he has no drive, all he does is talk about surfing, he absolutely smokes pot which is u know whatever but doesnt really fit with my lifestyle

Pin Nam

yeah

it's okay if you like him though despite all those things

Pip Seville

well it isnt, because that is just asking for a dysfunctional relationship that will fail before it even begins lol

Pin Nam

well yeah. i mean i really don't understand a lot of the romance stuff like...i don't think i...well i don't know if i've ever liked anyone like that but i do know that him liking you and thinking you were dating isn't something you should feel bad about and if you like louie you should go for that or if you decide you want to go on a date with tad you could do that too it's not like it's the 1800s and courting leads to marriage automatically or something

Pip Seville

ugh i wish it DID though

i would like to be married with four dogs and a grand estate to manage

Pin Nam

yeah managing an estate sounds like it's perfect for you actually

Pip Seville

right

why waste time with the absurdities of courtship when one can just marry rich and boss a whole household of servants around

Pin Nam

if it helps i think louie's family is richer he might inherit some of his rich ass uncles money so really if you want the estate louie is the way to go lmfao

Pip Seville

that does help lmao see im a horrible person i must dupe louie into supporting my lavish lifestyle and protect tad from me crushing him into a billion pieces

Pin Nam

see the high road

[genderfluid-promotion]

Hi! I have just learned about the term genderfluid, and I dont really know if thats the explaination for some things I feel - I don‘t know if thats what I am, or if the things I experience really fit this term. I am a female, but as a kid I always had short hair and I only wanted to wear boy clothes. I once put a dress on at like 7 because I wanted to, but it felt like I was trying to pretend to be a girl - even though I was one? I also pretty much only had boy friends, and loved soccer and playing in the dirt. I also liked horses, but not nearly as much as the other girls - when school started most of them had backpacks with ponys on them, mine had fish. xD I started wondering if maybe I was a boy during the ages 6 - 10, because I was asked constantly if I was a boy or a girl. I always said I was a girl, but kids can be mean - the next question would be pull your pants down and prove it, you dont look like it.

I knew that at 12 years old I would have to go to a new school, and the school was pretty known for bullying. Out of fear to be a target I let my hair grow out from age 10 on, and when I started at the new school it was long. I still dressed kinda boyish, wore a lot of plaid shirts, but I also wore pink things sometimes. I actually forgot that I didn‘t grow my hair out willingly, I talked to my mom about it a few months ago, saying that I couldnt remember what changed that I wanted long hair - and she said I didnt actually want to, but that I was scared of the bullying. Ever since that young age of 6 I went through phases questioning if I was a boy, because being a girl just didnt always seem to be right! However I‘m not sure if it didnt feel right just because hobbies and clothes are so strongly gendered, and I just wanted to have short hair, boy clothed and my soccer ball - in peace, without the questions. So being a boy would have been easier in that aspect, because no one would have questioned anything about me in that case. But because I also wasn‘t so sure that I would want to go trough actual transitioning to a boy, I realized that I probably wasn‘t transgender. There were times where I compeletely forgot about this worry of mine, and then suddenly I would look into the mirror, or see or hear something, and a weird feeling would start to creep up again - am I maybe a boy? Now I‘m 20, and I have been pushing these thoughts away for a while. I came to the decision that I dont really care, Im not that bothered by my female body that I feel the need to change everytime I see myself, and I dont feel horrible if someone calls me a she/woman/girl - its just, some days I wish I didnt have breasts because they annoy me, and I would like to be flat so that some of the men shirts I own would look better. However I never feel the need to have a penis, because thats as much as a statement as breasts, I’m fine with my vagina because it isnz showing in any way through clothes. Other days I like showing cleavage, some days getting called a she just leaves a bit of a weird feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I like make up, (Eyeliner most of the time), other days putting lip stick on makes me feel like a clown. These things are present enough in my life that the thoughts about what I am creep up from time to time, but they are not so present that its always on my mind. Sometimes my mannerism arent really female - around my female friends I kinda have always felt like the elephant, not moving as gracefully, not talking as softly, not sitting that woman like - my mannerisms just seem to be more men like then my other female friends, but they are more female then most of my male friends.

Because transitioning fully to a man is not an option for me (waaay to unsure with what I am, and also most of the times I‘m fine with my body I think) I just sort of pushed it all away. I also have never tried to embrace my „male side“ more - I dont want to be judged or to be asked questions if I suddenly show up with a baseball cap and a typical men hoodie. I also dont want everyone to think I am a butch lesbian, because thats the first thing people would think. I feel like if I could wear and behave however I wanted, and no one would care or ask questions, there would be days where I would wear a baseball cap and a hoodie, chewing gum and drinking a beer and just sit on my car, chilling. And there would be days where I would wear a dress, have flowers in my hair and have a picknick or something. So far I have only really lived the female side of this - and with clothing I kinda compromise, if I wear a male sweater I wear tight jeans or make up, to even it out a bit. Enough for people to notice Im probably not a girly girl, but not enough to make them look twice or to question my style or gender or sexuality.

Ive been thinking about embracing the clothes side of men a bit more, because I lost some weight and I‘m a little less curvy then before, so men shirts start to look kinda better then before. However, I am terrified to embrace any of this whole gender fluid stuff - what if I just surpressed being trans or something? Or if I try it out and after that it becomed unbearable to not be able to fully live being genderfluid? Right now I can deal with it - I would wish to embrace it more, but I can mostly handle not being really able to do so. I am afraid that this will change if I get a taste of it. Also I am kinda questioning everything in regard to gender - because if no one had ever commented on me looking like a boy, if not everyone around me had despreatly tried to put me in some box, I dont think I would ever have started to worry about all of this, I would have just been me. So maybe I am just a female but I’m not fitting the stereotypes that are put upon genders? Sexuality wise Im attracted to men, however I believe we fall in love with souls not bodies. Still most of the time I cant see myself being intimate with a women, but then suddenly some days I can - maybe pan? I think this whole gender topic didnt really bother me that much for a while because I was only aware of trans, and that didnt really fit me - so I just left it. Then I heard of non binary, but like I said mostly im fine, also I wouldnt want to be called they/them I think so that didnt really fit either. But now with this genderfluid stuff I heard of something that might fit me, so Im having a slight identity crisis right now to be honest.

I would just absolutely love to hear your thoughts on all of this - would you say gender fluid could be the right description for me? Or something else? Am I just insane? xD Do you know someone who experiences gender fluid similarly to me? Because most despriptions are that the change of gender is extreme and suddenly, and with me its more a way of expressions, clothes and weird feeling.

Sorry for the insanely long text!

It’s ok. Your gender identity is fluid. Non binary meaning you don’t identify as a man or women. Both non binary and genderfluid can coexists and you can identify as both. As for pronouns it’s entirely up to you. Not everyone who is non binary uses they/them pronouns. It’s not a requirement.

It would also seem you hardly have gender dysphoria since most trans people have it. It’s ok to identify as trans without having dysphoria, it’s not a requirement either.

But I do think genderfluid fits very well with what you are feeling. I recommend having a support group in case people are transphobic to you. However, since politics is a bitch, people will side with the transphobes so your only choice is to find solidarity with others who know and understand LGBTQ issues.

Thanks for the ask tho!! ☺️☺️💘💕💞💖💗💓

[belindysthoughts]

As i approach my 24th birthday in a little over 24 hours (well under by the time i actually post this) I truly just feel this cycle will never end. I’m getting older yet each day, less things make sense and what little hope i have left keeps fading. I’m stuck. everyone is growing up, moving forward and progressing in life and i still feel like I’m barely even 15 in my knowledge and life experiences. What happened to my youth?

i feel robbed of it. i’ve never had a mutual crush. ive never been on a date. ive never been asked out on a date. I’ve never met someone that i actually like enough to ASK on a date or pursue them. ive hardly gone out to a pub or club in the past 6 years i’ve been legally able to do so. (i can literally count on my two hands the amount of times i’ve been) I never had adventures with my friends in my teen years. the trips to the beach, hanging out at the shops or the parks. going for drives to get food. nothing.

sometimes i think im broken. most times i KNOW its not me its just circumstances and how life seems to fall in place. and I KNOW there are people who are about me but i’m not exaggerating i really am an “optional” or “last resort” friend. i know my place in the world. and majority of the time i am so content with that. but i just!!!! want!!! mutual!!! love!!! and!!! respect!!!! sometimes. i want people to genuinely spend time with me, because they want to! not out of obligation or no one else is available at the moment.

I know i can be hard to be around. I know i get annoying and can seem flat and boring because hey, i know i dont have a life so much. I dont have an interesting story about the time i went out with my one of five groups of friends? i dont have an interesting career. i have no juicy gossip on any potential boyfriends i can be pursuing. I dont have or know or do a lot of things. but i try. i’m trying. I hate being so self aware. I hate having the ability to so clearly pick up peoples vibes. because as soon as i know they dont want to be spending time with me or they have somewhere else to be or i can see them losing interest or me boring them, i immediately want to try harder to change the subject or throw things back to them so the vibes can pick up again . because that's what i do best, i thrive off other peoples energy but im so content in being by myself.

I know and am aware of all the possibilities and opportunities i have in the palm of my hand. but most of the time i have no drive or i hold myself back because i don’t want to be experiencing so many things in life on my own. I truly mean on my own by myself. Genuinely i dont mind majority of the time being on my own. But its when others point out how alone i am, or emphasise those facts to make me feel inferior, worthless and less of a human because i don’t have a solid group of friends. even just one or to friends who i am on a mutual friend level with (like theyre my very very good close friends because i only have like 4 separate ones but to them i am only just a friend they see and speak to on occasions). because i dont have boyfriend also, i’m not so bothered by it until everyone starts questioning why i dont have one and why im not out looking or actively trying to get one. i hate nothing more than FORCED interactions and relationships. I sometimes get the sentiment of people “wanting me to be happy” but it will happen when it happens. so many people are out there in relationships, friendships and even families built on fake, materialistic meaningless, forced, ulterior motive foundations. You’re in no better position than i am, because in reality we are all alone. Presenting to have a full, happy life is not the same as actually having one.

Im so tired. I truly am. I keep sitting here wasting my young years, wondering when my life is going to begin. I don’t regret the past 10 years or so of my life but fk honestly. I truly wonder if any of this is real. Everyone's life experiences, their ideas of fun, finding love one day, truly enjoying going out, finding people you genuinely want to be around who feel exactly the same about you. The world is like cracked glass in my hands that keeps cracking more as time goes on. im trying to mend it before it gets so bad but it feels so fragile,the more i try, the closer it actually gets shattering beyond recognition.

I’m scared. I’m exhausted. i am also hopeful. I KNOW things are going to be okay. I’m just sick of feeling like this. im sick of  having almost a daily or weekly existential crisis. I just want some sort of stability and certainty in life. I feel so stuck, empty, detached.

I just want to be able to feel again.

[honeyfelix]

where i’ve been

hi everybody !! i’m sure most of you are not keeping tabs on this sort of thing, but maybe some of you have noticed that my presence here has been inconsistent and sometimes just nonexistent? and i guess another thing you might have noticed is that i tend to have little mental breakdowns that i unfortunately take out on here? and i think i kinda owe it to u to explain myself for a couple reasons:

1. i genuinely believe it’s irresponsible to broadcast certain facets of mental illness to a wider audience, many of whom are younger, without being mindful of providing trigger warnings or crisis resources etc. it’s not right of me to potentially trigger others or only show a certain lens of my experience without context or to basically demand attention and pity. it’s just gross. i’m ashamed of that and i’m really sorry 

2. i’m sure most of you follow me for my writing and i haven’t been producing that at all. so i should give you fair notice that my writing frequency has / is going to shift significantly

i guess first i just want to apologize - my intention isn’t to make people worry. but i know myself and the way i preen for attention when i’m feeling unstable. it’s not right and it’s selfish and gross and i hate it. 

in a nutshell, i’ve been consistently unstable (if that’s not an oxymoron) for many many years. it is not new to me. and for this brief moment i was able to abandon that and be functional on here and live a little baby dream of getting to write about my favorite group and have people read and enjoy it. it’s still so exciting to me, every single like and reblog. so thank u if youve ever read anything ive written! its crazy to me and i do not deserve!! i think my work is perfectly average but it’s gained me a really beautiful network of friends and such kind words and im so stupidly grateful.

but this has been an outlet and not always an honest one bc the state of my... i guess mental health? self perception? has been so deeply fucked. i dont want to say im in danger but i dont think its right to not say that either. i dont know. i feel like ive lost track of this haha i dont know where im going.

i’ve seen a lot of people whose mental health is suffering from this quarantine. for me it’s been a period of clarity and rest. basically i’m always losing my mind but also running on no sleep and constant work stress. now i’m able to see that i guess i’m really not good? there’s been some really horrible blows to my confidence and self-perception in the past few weeks or month or so. i just feel a bit insane. 

i’m a bit tired of letting this kill me but i also don’t really know any other way. i guess the only thing that matter is at this time i wouldn’t say i have writers block - just can’t imagine myself writing again. can’t even begin to think of how to write. i hope that changes so i’m keeping my requests in my inbox. but that’s just where i’m at now. and if you want to unfollow that makes all the sense in the world! i’m not providing what you came here for. i feel really guilty about that and not really sure who i am.

the other thing is that i really really dont like talking about it and i dont even really know what i would talk about. nothing happened to me. there’s no reason i feel this way or grievances to air out or anything to cry over. it’s just me being stupid.

part and parcel of that is not knowing what my presence on here looks like. i know i’m making this way too serious and it’s embarrassing but yeah. i just don’t think i can stay in the cycle of making promises of a short hiatus and coming back strong. clearly that’s not true because i keep doing this over and over. 

i don’t want to lose my friends or this safe place. that’s the hardest part of it all. and i guess i need to do some work on myself but i don’t really know what that means and i don’t want to do it either. i don’t know if i’m lazy or scared or what.

i think i’m just rambling now. i’m really really sorry. but on some level this is still my blog right? a place to log my thoughts? i’m not really sure what i’m allowed to do. and i’m not sure how to end this either. but thank you for being so nice. i know it’s not that serious and i’m making too much of this and i’m so sorry again. it’s not goodbye - i’m not sure what it is. i guess this is a message to say, i guess don’t expect anything from me? i wish i knew! and i’m sorry! i’m really really really sorry!!!

[spacebell]

i feel the need to rant otherwise i’ll explode and thats not unusual this time of the year

i just feel tired and i want a break, this year has been the weirdest year yet, without taking into account covid and the pandemic and the fact that ive been home with my parents for 7 months now (the longest ive been home since high school). 

i graduated from uni earlier this year in march, and i started my masters’ in august and im still feeling ?????????? and i dont enjoy that feeling, and on top of that is the anxiety and social anxiety i constantly feel. ive talked to my parents and my brother about it and the conclusion ive arrived with the help of my brother is that ive been in this existencial crisis for like 3 years now and it has slowly build up over the years, as in i feel in a constant state of anxiety pretty much always and its not fun. i have good days and bad days just as anyone else, but the pandemic might have heightened those feelings. and with me being back home i miss my friends, i miss hanging out with them and just chatting (i do talk to them but sometimes i feel so drained i answer a text and forget to reply for like a week and they do the same and we keep talking as if nothing happen so thats pretty nice) 

on the academic aspect of my life, i do love the masters’ program im in, i really really do, its what i wanted to study in my undergrad for starters, but things happened and i ended up studying something i dont really like. so i was fucking happy when i got accepted into this program, and with that came a lot more feelings of doubt (which are pretty common for anyone starting something new, whether its a new job, a new career path or anything else), and im slowly working on that and i need to celebrate my small victories and just think that i graduated with a fucking 4,30 GPA as a chemical engineer and that i never failed a class and that it was one of the highest GPAs from the class. because when i remind myself of that i know i can do it. also, there’s the fact that i want to leave and eventually live somewhere else, and by somewhere else i mean maybe canada, or austria (my dad’s uncle live’s there and i love him and we’ve visited once i want to go back and stay there), or switzerland (im not entirely sure when or why my fixation with the country started but as i research more i want to go there) i think most of it has to do with being around more open minded and accepting people. and right now with covid that dream is a bit harder to accomplish and in order to maybe work on a research project over the summer ill have to be very active and talk to my professors a lot (which im not used to but ill have to force myself to do it). i just want to leave, but its not like my parents are making a bad environment, quite the opposite, they really support me in every way possible and the want the best for me and both of them really love the idea of me leaving or just doing whatever i want (within reason). maybe its because they can understand and get that i feel a bit of an outcast (and im well aware that probably everyone feels like that at some point in their life, mostly in their teenage years, but some people grow out of it, or find themselves, or something, but i feel that im still finding myself and sometimes i cant keep going if im living here)

i sort of had an anxiety attack the other day when my parents and my aunt and uncle were talking about pension plans and how we should start to think about that as soon as we get a job (which i dont have) and how its important to plan for the future and all i could think was “i need to leave this country as soon as possible.” maybe its because im a bit of an idealistic and i want to work on something i actually like and not just work on something i hate

in conclusion, im in an ongoing existencial crisis that has been building up since like 3/4 years ago and i need a break or move far far far away