#dont care anymore though lol
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one of my biggest headcanons for caustic is that he definitely has some form of depression.
the fact that he also has ASPD (or at least thats what the old comics have told us, but let's be real the lore doesn't even make sense anymore at this point) is heartbreaking to me as well, given by the fact how dehumanizing people can be to one with ASPD (and also literally any other personality disorder).
they're also just trying to survive throughout daily life.. i'm obviously not excusing caustic's actions but if you really think that he only kills people all the time and has no other feelings than that, it's kind of weird.
#apex legends#apex caustic#alexander nox#or in other words: if caustic wasn't the way he is i wouldn't have liked him as much#idk why ive never posted about this#i had these thoughts for such a long time#guess i was too scared of other people talking shit#dont care anymore though lol
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created by love & unmade by it
#id in alt text#my art#dw#doctor who#tenth doctor#dr who hanahaki#this is barely hanahaki-like anymore but i dont care. it is to me. in spirit. god FUCKING bless.#tenth doctor platonic hanahaki concept has me in a chokehold btw. dont ask me about it i couldnt explain if i tried#u see the vision though. right.#i consulted one (1) flower meanings site and decided that was enough sorry if somebody disagrees lol#cw blood#<- tiiny bit#flower list is in reblogs now!! if anybody is curious :D
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it is... a bit upsetting that there aren't a lot more people aren't talking about grian's episode (or at least, in the way they probably should be lol). to be clear, i'm glad he changed the title, i'm glad he's made an attempt to correct himself instead of doubling down but... i mean what use is changing the title when you say the phrase 'Manifest Destiny' so many times in the video itself. why would the painting you commission be so similar to The most famous depiction of it. i wanna take this in as good faith as possible and believe that he really did just not know what the phrase meant, and, again, i'm glad that he's made any kind of effort but... eugh. idk you'd think more people would be talking about it.
edit: apparently he's now edited himself saying the phrase out of the video. which i'm thankful for.
#psi speaks#ask to tag#and also... because i saw it sort of infrequently in the tag... grians is a 30yr old man i Swear To God he does not need you defending him-#or calling out the Mean Tumblr Users who DARE to speak up abt this (there are not a lot lol).#and i do just feel... again even though hes apologized n correct himself (kind of.) he shouldve known better#im willing to believe that he rlly did mean Manifest Mending throughout the whole video but like... why not just say that instead of. yknow#not trying to 'cancel' him either i dont even like mcyt anymore i could Not care less what grian does in his spare time. clearly.#and i feel like. in general you should probably be more comfortable with 'calling out' bigger content creators like this-#-even if it is supposedly just a mistake on their part. i promise u wont hurt their feelings if u do.
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just saw someone on the tag shipping kenji and darius..... if ur one of those people PLEASE block me
#jwcc#jwct#theyre literally fucking siblings#thats a big brother and his little brother dude. ew#besides in jwcc kenji is 15 and darius is TWELVEEEE which is a weird ass age gap#i dont fuck with kenji darius shippers. stay away from me#also ik awhile ago i said i didnt like benrius and well. while its still not my preference of ship i dont care abt it anymore#go to town w them u can interact w me idc benrius shippers im not one of u but i respect u#if u ship kenji and darius OR kenji and brooklynn kindly keep ur distance though. thanks#thats all for tonight lol#camp cretaceous#jurassic world camp cretaceous#jurassic world chaos theory#chaos theory
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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Maybe I need adderall with adjunct meds. Only probably is I can't tolerate anything and the fact adderall hasn't triggered a bunch of neurological issues is so good I don't want to press my luck by being stupid with an ssri.
#like it doesnt help my executive dysfunction :/ if it did itd be..miracle drug.#it helps me be more present in a dazed way i used to hate but i am thanking for now because i dont care about being dazed anymore lol#i think it might be something i just used short term though idk while i stabilise :/ but i will take what i can get now.#if all my energy is not solely going towards not killing myself im happy even if my energy instead is going on many useless trains#incoherents
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Now this might be because I have issues but is it just me or does Slay The Princess feel like an allegory for a relationship?
#like i dont even mean the actual textual stuff like the two gods loving each other i mean like#while the narrator himself does say that he is not the protagonist at all the voices do in fact count him as one of them and#both the narrator and the voices are described as shattered glass pieces on the floor#and im saying that just to contextualise what im about to say because i feel like the narrator is an echo of someone who was in#a relationship with another person and is trying to 'slay' the memory of this person and defeat death not only literally but#on a metaphorical level (as in the death of a relationship). if you do slay her you destroy her memory and in that way you do not know her#at all nor do you care to#and the routes would be the perspectives held by different parts of you. shes literally a being that changes based on who perceives her#but metaphorically thats just how people work isnt it? relationships are complicated and there is a part of you who sees someone as a razor#and there is a part of you who sees them as a damsel and another who sees them as a god etc etc#its like youre a person who is trying to make sense of the situation and; which is why the construct of the princess is made up of#several vessels called perspectives. you understand the whole of what you think only when you take apart all your perspectives;#and theres a you who isnt you anymore who doesnt want to do this. hes telling you to just destroy it. it was wholly wretched and wholly bad#and it changed which is a crime in itself. theres an echo of you. and theres you; built by this echo because thats how the self works#we are each our own god and we build ourselves. the different voices are like different parts of you#much like the vessels are the equivalent of the voices. theyre the finite confined perspectives; aspects of a whole person#and slaying her in this context would obviously mean literally just destroying the memory and deciding that change and all it brings#is an awful thing. though im not yet sure what the difference between leaving with the whole and between separating yourself#and leaving with just an aspect would be.#thats probably like the only thing thats kinda ruining this interpretation lol#oh and obviously a lot of the routes have like very strong relationship symbolism. specifically a lot of them feel like#scenes from a relationship that is falling apart. for example in the adversary and then the fury when you run away the dialogue#basically mimics a partner running away from a conflict and the other one destroying themselves because of it#witch and the thorn are both heavily Esop-coded and the text itself says that its about two people hurting each other even though they love#each other but both are afraid of the other one and of being vulnerable. thorn is about finding forgiveness in one another#and deciding to be better and love each other despite the hurt youve caused each other due to your problems#etc etc#like am i insane am i mental am i projecting?
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Cardio said my echocardiogram ultrasound, exercise stress test, and week long heart monitor all showed no serious issues, my resting heart rate is fine, but that my heart rate does seem to rise very rapidly under even small amounts of stress (postural changes, taking stairs, casually walking around my house) and rises very high (160+ bpm according to the monitor) so now I get to be put on beta blockers to see if they work and if they do she said that is sufficient evidence to confirm for sure that it's POTS.
Obviously could confirm it as well with a tilt table test but those are TORTURE based off what I've heard from fellow POTSies so I am very thankful that she doesn't think that's necessary and will not be making me do one.
#i was not expecting to get dx and meds this fast tbh but im very happy about it#i think the fact that she also has POTS herself helps because she is very well acquaintaned with what it looks and feels like#and how hard it is to actually catch with orthostatics in office unless youre having a bad heart day#so my orthostatics not being within range was unsurprising to her and she was like#'that doesnt mean anything you clearly still have a heart rate issue going on even if it didnt show itself right now'#i didnt do shit the entire week i had that monitor on to like physically exert myself but my heart rate still hit almost 170 a few times#also the doctor who did my stress test asked me if i ever experience any chest discomfort or pain and i was like hm no dont think so#and he went 'your chart says you have palpitations though?'#and i was like '... those count as discomfort???' akdjaicidjwjcjsn the answer is yes apparently#im just so used to them now because i have them daily that they dont even really register to me anymore#unless theyre bad enough to knock the wind out of me or make me cough#they just make me anxious which... ig is also a form of discomfort#chronic illness and chronic pain problems though lol not having a normal baseline for discomfort and pain#ndr#not dog related#health stuff#not that anyone probably cares lol but im excited about getting things that have neen affecting me for years FINALLY figured out#im not crazy im just disabled!!!!#*been
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hello tumblr have this page of conker related things i did :p
#my art#rareware#banjo kazooie#conker's bad fur day#conker#I've decided i'm not gonna keep letting my perfectionism or whatever stop from uploading stuff and just share what i got.#and yeah i coulda done more work on it but at this point after not posting anything for months and months and months i dont care anymore#and yes i see banjos ear overlapping onto conkers jawddfkjdfkj#Even though it's messy It's somethin and thats better then nothin :p#so that being said HERE U GOOOOO lol
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is this a safe space for me to gripe about other people's interpretations of my favourite guy. in a very "this doesnt actually matter and I'm just complaining for fun" way.
#or do we not like that dhdkdl#my friend is busy at a con this weekend so i cannot gripe to them like i normally would shdjdkl#genuinely though idk if this is an acceptable thing to do or if it'd be seen as Bad or smth so 🧍❓#like i dont actually care much abt other ppls interpretations of any characters ever#i just shake my head a little sometimes at some ppls stuff fhdkdl but then i move on and do not think abt it anymore#and this isnt about mutuals or ppl following me djdkdl it's literally just random ppl in tags i follow LOL#dandy.cmd
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I write cannibalism and murder into my fanfics so I am a cannibal and a murderer. No one is safe near me lest I get confused about what is fiction and what is reality. Lock me up I am sick and twisted.
#this is mostly satire btw. if it offends you. i dont really care.#if u dont know what im talking about. dont worry.#if you think its funny. i also do.#i make poor jokes. it happens#but fr with dc there are lines i wouldnt cross. but with fanfic (NOT REAL) i am all for eating people and burtal murder#however would i do that irl? literally never. the thought makes me feel physically ill. in fanfic? there is a thrill.#i might talk about it woth my therapists later this week who knows. but either u understand whats real and fake or y dont#and we had a very good reminder this last week of all the people who cant do that very well#like yeah hearing about it was shocking. if i came across it on my dash though i wouldnt have thought twice about it#i wouldve kept scrolling. maybe blocked the tags. but imo this has all been blown very far out of proportion lol#like drop it fr. we're all better off not having to think about it anymore#lemme write about murdering people who wanna fuck my fictional husband and then eat them with him
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anyway i think the staph infection did something to my brain bc i stopped caring abt dr//agon ag///e
#medical#illness#not really abt the infection anymore but tagging for blacklist purposes just in case!!!!#ANYWAY im mostly joking lol but like hear me out... i had a revelation.......#this is so silly honestly but i've been so stressed abt finishing all 3 da games before veil//guard comes out#and figuring out the perfect worldstate and perfect trio of heroes etc etc#but then i just had this sudden thought like. damn do i really care though......#like what if i just don't care abt this series as a whole that much anymore. that's okay too right.#i can be an origins lover and occasional da2 enjoyer... i dont need to force myself to play dai if it doesnt spark joy...#like. im not subtle abt how much i dislike that game. why would i play a game i dislike lol#origins is the only game in this series i truly love! i dont have to care abt a game series as a whole! i can simply like the games i like!#and like who knows maybe i'll give vg a try one day but im not gonna be like. agonizing over it lmao#anyway im really in a kotor mood rn. gonna play lots of kotor once i get home#i hope u will all think of me as ur kotor mutual from now on 🫶#el.txt
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Saying Goodbye to My Mask event on project sekai may have been a premonition of having my own mental health tank to the same level as Mafuyu's because well. Let's just say. The depression. (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)
#miko talking#well. even though i try to get help it feels like my parents sabotage me more#the only comfort is realizing my feelings and wondering about it#frankly i dont like acknowledging them bc then i feel like im not playing up to the role everyone expects of me but#i want to express it in my stuff but I've been losing my will to keep drawing and writing and i guess#this is what depression is like. i just never expected to find myself actually going through it#i thought i left that era of havingthe worst time of my life but i feel like these past few years#are definitely my most worst#i think thats one thing games like pjsk has me realizing#and why i find comfort in n25#because to me they feel like pieces of me that have been written down#idk why im ranting lol??? i just want to be honest with how i feel but i end up going back to trying to be a people pleaser#ewwwww. i hate this. in truth i dont like people all that much. neither do i like making new friends#it's crazy because I'm always saying sure! when someone asks even though i know I'm not going to feel anything from it#sorry..... but I don't care enough anymore.... maybe one day i will#but right now not really..... at least at the moment.#these friendships with followers are in truth just parasociality and i dont want it after what happened the first time#especially with how two-faced/double standards people are like#people are the worst ^^ i wish the world was a kinder place for everyone but i dont know how much longer i can keep up with this#if only people minded their own business. im not someone to be babied by people who think they know better.#what a pain (◕ᴗ◕✿)
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yknow i hadnt really processed how much the adderall weight loss has changed my face shape but then i found this slightly older selfie
<== old now ==>
like. aww look at ur cute lil squishable cheeks:3 i can see why bf did that so much i would too
#n like i know its not an extreme difference by any means but idk its interesting jenfksnfksn#selfie#origibberish#i think my jawline is where it shows most#given that i like. have one now?#like obv its still the same shape but its def a bit more pronounced now#it has been very weird having pronounced collarbones again though i dont know if i especially like that#and esp my thighs have downsized a lot which is a bummer#bonus however is some of it seems to have come out of my honkers as well bc i dont even really need a bra anymore much less a binder#idk its a mixed bag but yknow. ive never really been in charge of what weight my bodys at nor have i cared to change it#i just let it wander as it will#shit we didnt even have a scale for like. four years#altho i have to weigh myself more often now to make sure its still holding steady bc my doctor didnt believe me that i was still eating the#same as i normally do KEBFKSNDMSN#but like before any of the meds my body would generally had a 40lbs fluctuation range that it would just wander back and forth through#and now ive dropped an extra 20 off of the lower end of that and bottomed out like i knew it would once it adjusted to the legal meth#so. get dunked on emily LOL#/weight loss discussion#/weight discussion#also i hope it goes without saying but if any like. proa blogs or fatphobes touch this post i will kill you so very dead.#weight loss and weight gain are both morally neutral and just part of how the body works and you shouldnt force it to be any one specific#size and people should be able to discuss both without it being a whole Thing. do not touch.
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i hate writing cvs and teachers r useless at help i love them and i appreciate it but "i have no skills to put on my cv what should i put" - "aww no everyone has skills just think of something"
#SAME WITH REFERENCES#like i dont know people#it reminds me of when i tried to ask for another way to do a piece of homework because you needed to ask multiple people things#and my teacher refused to believe that i truly did not have a single friend to ask#and then finally went ok but said to ask other kids in my class#ma'am i had a panic attack after texting someone a simple message i truly cannot physically do that without passing out#i did not do the homework i couldnt be bothered to make up answers#so much of psychology was that though lol i just had to make up friends and answers#thats so humiliating to admit actually#see i used to be so sad that i didnt have friends but im not rlly anymore / srs#i havent had friends in years let alone close friends#i decided to stop trying it only ever results in stress for me lol#i dont even knkw what to talk about#like people dont rlly care about ur goals or interests or sharing theres or hobbies like what do we even do#its more lonely to have friends then not i think#and it does suck being alone but you get used to it even if ur extroverted and drained like me LMAO#its not like im anti social i just dont put myself out there#i want to live in a city apartment and fill it with pretty things#and learn an instrument#and get a pet#it's 2am im rambling im tired LMAO
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also
#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats#just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind#i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence#he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged#with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive#always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell#accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this#and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little#affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do#the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i#fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty#even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck#either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that#anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there#i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack#in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing
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