#and deciding to be better and love each other despite the hurt youve caused each other due to your problems

[featherymainffins]

Now this might be because I have issues but is it just me or does Slay The Princess feel like an allegory for a relationship?

[catyo90]

Starstruck: Elendil x GN!Reader

Anonymous Request: Short Drabble

SOME SPOILERS FOR THE SILMARILLION. SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW THE CANON OF SOME THINGS. YOUVE BEEN WARNED

The stars were high in the sky as they danced around the moon as you looked over the horizon seeing the sun setting over the waves making the waves look like shattered glass as they crashed along side of the ship. The ocean made you feel at home the most, you’d spent a lot of your time on the beach as a child. Despite having a great love and desire for the ocean, there was always a small hint of fear of the deep and because of that, you were a little afraid having been at sea for so long.

It had been weeks since the faithful set sail for middle earth. You were part of Elendils crew and had somehow been separated from Isildur and Anarion ships during a horrible storm that caused the ships to go in opposite directions. Now with Numenor gone Elendil decided it was best to make straight for the lands otherwise the others would run out of food and fresh water before they arrived. 

The last you saw of your home was the great wave taking the island back into the sea as flames of Sauron's temple to his master Melkor extinguished into nothing but mud and ash. As the screams of those who stayed behind echoed on the waves reaching no help. You recalled the sight of the Queen Regent being taken by the sea as her cry to Valar fell silent. You closed your eyes in pain from the memory of seeing her fall into the depths below. The weeks before the ships left you begged her to flee with you, but she would not. She was a Numenorian, she would not leave her home no matter how much it had defiled.

 Now you had no home and only the hope of you and your family would reach the northern shows of middle earth where Elendil had confided in you that the people would rebuild. However the days had now stretched into weeks as no land had come into sight. In truth you felt it was not to be for the ships to reach the land.

“Surprised to see you up so late Y/n”

You turned around with your journal and quill in one arm as you looked at him as he looked over your shoulder to see you writing the accounts of the days before.

“It is best not to dwell on the past.” He said as he stepped forward leaning over the railing looking outward across the sea rubbing his hands together. You saw his worry for his sons. You closed the journal and placed it down on the deck bringing yourself to stand next to him placing a gentle hand on his shoulder causing him to look at you for a moment before smiling a half hearted smile as he placed a hand over your own.

“They are strong and stubborn boys Elendil, I believe they are safe. It is us that I worry more every day. No birds for days and no sight of land either. Perhaps it would be better to make a floating city on the ocean itself.”

Elendil chuckled to himself for a moment as he sighed. You smiled only for a moment hearing him chuckle. It had been so long since you heard him laugh or at least so himself in any sort of relaxed manner. 

“I would not blame you, you know, if you decided to simply leave to find your sons in the south.”

Elendil looked at you with a slightly hurt look.

“You think I would abandon them in search of my own?”

“Not abandon. Just...at least find something to give you hope. After all no one would blame if you did. Any parent would understand.”

“My sons can handle their own, they have each other and their families. Its time I focused on helping those who need me more.”

He stopped for a moment as he looked down at you. You couldn’t help but admire the silver hue of his eyes. They were not common in many Numenorians but only in those who had more blood of Elros in their families. Even his name meant both ‘lover of stars’ and ‘elf friend’, clearly truth in both ways to him. You had always admired him not just a a captain of the guard but also just as he was.

“Your not wrong, as long as I have known you and your sons, they somehow always managed to get into and out of trouble seemingly okay.”

Elendil smiled and noticed you were rubbing your hands against your arms shivering at the cold ocean air. He walked over to the side of the ship and grabbed a small fur cloak and walked over from behind placing it on your shoulders and clasping the pins to your guard uniform. You smiled at the gesture as you clung to the cloak a little tighter. You saw him offer his arm out for you to take.

“You need all the warmth you can get.”

You feel your cheeks flushing slightly at this, but you take hold of his arm and just hold on step a little closer to him. You stay close to his side, clutching his arm with yours wrapped around his back.

You looked up and noticed the stars appearing out of the sky more and more. The sight of constellations you had never seen before made you smile. Elendil looked up and leaned over to you and pointed up just a bit to the side.

“That one is Telumendil.”

You saw it was quite beautiful with five small stars connected to one very bright star, you looked at Elendil and smirked.

“Telumendil huh? I have a sneaky suspicion that means something close to your own name.”

“Well your not wrong, it means ‘Lover of the Heavens’

You smiled to yourself as you saw the last of the suns light recede away and the moon started to show more clearly. 

“Such a beautiful sight.” He said looking out onto the ocean. You snuck a glance out of the corner of your eye to look up at him and smiled to yourself as you thought that he was actually what made the night even more beautiful. 

-

After an hour you felt yourself starting to feel a bit drowsy as you wiped your eyes trying to keep them open. Elendil had noticed you yawn and gestured for you to go downstairs to retire for the night.

“Oh no, I’ll be alright. I still have so much writings to record. Besides someone needs to keep a look out.”

“Y/n, your chilled and clearly need rest. I’ll have one of the others to join me to finish up for you.”

You hated when he was right, you trying to recount everything for the records and history of those who would come after. You felt it was your only way to keep those who had died back in Numenor from being forgotten. You leaned down and grabbed the journal you had earlier and nodded to him in agreement. You were starting to feel your exhaustion coming along quicker than you expected as you grasped the side of the railing. Suddenly you felt two arms around you, one at your shoulders and one under your legs lifting you into a bridal style. You couldn’t help but gasp at the gesture as you turned your gaze up to him with a small blush on your cheeks, secretly you were thankful the night was hiding it.

“There’s no need for that Elendil. I’ll be alright to get to my room on my own.”

“It’s alright Y/n, besides you’ve been up for three days straight. Better safe than sorry.”

You simply nodded in agreement as you walked both of you down the stairs. You felt so warm being held by him in such a way. You could smell the scent of sea salt on him but also a hint of pine which made you sigh a bit making your whole body become more and more relaxed. Even in your groggy state though you had sensed that you both at reached the side of the far back room as you felt him sliding the door away. Elendil saw the room was filled with unfinished scrolls and books open with notes written in the margin. Even some of the candles you had lit earlier still dripped some wax onto the small desk you usually would be found at. The bed to the far right was perhaps the only thing not covered in work.

“Hard at work I see?”

You lightly tapped at his chest but you were too tired to even come up with a remark. In truth you had wished you knew he would ever see your room, if you had you would have cleaned it up. You felt him walk over to the side of the bed lowering you down into the soft sheets as he look the journal from your hand and placed it on the nearby nightstand and the quill back in the inkwell. Elendil turned to face you to see that your breathing was slower and a bit steadier knowing that soon you really would be asleep for the night. He sighed at the sight of your sleeping form. He looked down at your feet and gently took off the boots you wore and placed them down by the side of the bed and unpinned the heavy cloak from your back and draped it over your lower body knowing it would keep you warmer that way.

“Get some rest Y/n”

He said as he stood up and was about to blow the nearby candle out but was stopped by you gently taking a hold of his hand that was at his side.

“Elendil...How have you kept your faith?”

He sat down on the edge of the bed and gave you a slightly puzzled look.

“During the great wave?”

You shook your head.

“No I mean now...Our home is now nothing but ruin, Your sons are so far away from you and the people are looking to you everyday for guidance. How...how have you not lost faith?”

He was silent for a moment before he spoke looking down at you.

“Tar-Miriel told me once that the faithful must suffer many losses as a test. I thought years ago I had lost my son when we first ventured to Middle Earth. I thought right then and there that my faith had failed me. But when he returned. I understood what she meant when she said that. Even her last words to you were of complete faith that our home would survive.”

He looked down at you and smiled to himself at the sight before him. Your hair was pressed into the pillow with your arms across your torso loosely as the sleep in your eyes could not hide the beauty of your own. It was always his eyes that captivated him every time he saw you. He enjoyed your company far more than many and felt a way around you that he had not felt in a long time. He took his hand to lay on top of yours and smiled to you.

“I have you Y/n...Not many are lucky enough to have someone like you with them.”

You gave a weak smiled as you felt your body relax more and more into the bed. You squeezed his hand in yours and spoke once more before you truly were taken by sleep.

“You always....will.”

Elendil smiled to himself as he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to your forehead taking a moment to himself as he carefully moved his hand from yours and took a gentle grasp on the blankets to the side and covered you. He sat off the bed and stood up to walk over the desk and snuffed out the rest of the candles as he walked over to the doorway and looked over at your sleeping form once more before gently closing the door.

-

You felt your body gently being nudged as you opened your eyes to see Elendil’s silver ones meeting yours. 

“Y/n... We’ve landed”

Your eyes went wide as you quickly stood up from the bed walking past him forgetting about your shoes as you walked up the stairs and saw the ship had indeed anchored to see deep woods stretched over the mountains to see the others walking off the ship as the families wept with joy knowing they had arrived safety. You turned to Elendil and couldn’t help but smile at him as you walked you off the ship. You smiled as you felt the sand underneath your feet as birds flew above you whistling as the warmth from the sun made your skin feel warm even against the cold sea breeze. You turned around to Elendil smiling at the fact that after reaching shore after an extremely harrowing past few days/weeks. Suddenly you saw him step onshore and collapse to his knees on the sand, utterly exhausted. 

You kneeled next to him and saw him bring a hand to his eyes and you saw him weeping. You took your arms around his neck and held him close. You knew what he was feeling, everything that had happened and the stress of it all had hit him. You gently spoke his name and as you rubbed small circles on his back. After a few moments, he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as you saw him slowly compose himself. You stood back from him and offered a hand. 

“I’m here with you...” He looked at your hand and took it to as you helped him stand. You smiled as you held his hand  a bit tighter as you leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his cheek causing him to look down at you. He was given no time to process what had just happened before you walked off to help the others. All he could do was smile at the realization that he had a chance to be with you.

[sankttealeaf]

Hello there - I was wondering when did you first start liking durgetash? How did you get the inspo for your story? ps Im a huge fan ❤

hi anon!! thank u!! <3

the thing that dragged me headfirst into the depths of durgetash hell was the prayer for forgiveness! i went into the dark urge playthrough knowing very little! (started rue's run in early september but only got around to actually playing her in early october! (act 3 was lagging so bad on my first playthrough i needed to jump ship to simpler times)

seeing other peoples interpretations of their durge & gortash got me thinking a little more about rue & gortash and what they couldve been like! i went into rue's playthrough knowing i was going to romance gale and went woah, theres some similarities between the two there. rue has a type!

(fun fact: my first tav playthrough & the beginnings of my durgetash era overlapped so when i got to meet gortash as my tav, cassiopeia, i was only slightly taken in by him. did not trust him at all, though. stupid man)

i think i love the tragedy of it all. no matter what relationship your durge has with gortash, its still one of closeness. and to have someone you worked hard with ripped from you, only to return now wanting to destroy everything youve made? thats gotta hurt.

as for my fic it kind of started as a series of one shots i started writing, never really with the intent to publish them! i wanted to work out how rue acted before the tadpoling and how different she was then!

the original plan was just a collection of moments shared between rue and gortash throughout their time together. back then rue was still called rue, i hadnt given her another name to further separate her life before & after being tadpoled. i also really wanted to make little letters and notes that you find in the game to go along with the writing. however i only ever made gortash's initial request for a meeting.

(as u can see below. i thought it was a cool concept. no idea how i wouldve fully executed it though)

then it sort of spiralled from there! what if rue and enver were friends as kids? what if they keep finding each other over and over again? what if they always fall to the same fate? i love tragic romances, friendships that are doomed to fail, relationships that can only end one way, so it was very fun to explore all this with them!!

the title was originally a title from a one shot i started writing about them. i think the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie" is very them - after all, why disturb what is a peaceful alliance? why ruin it by admitting feelings or saying words they shouldnt? also dog imagery & rue go hand in hand (despite me saying she's cat coded)

i had key events planned from the start that i wanted to happen, the main thing being how rue lets down her guard over the course of their friendship & how that becomes her downfall!

i also wanted to use this as a way to not only explore rue and gortash, but rue and orin, too!! it meant i could write in their povs, get into their brains and work out why they do what they do! i love villainous characters and finding out the root cause behind their actions (im currently running a curse of strahd dnd game and did the exact thing for strahd - writing up his motivations and intentions to give me better access into his headspace & why he acts like he does!)

at the start i never really intented to publish it on ao3. i added the little prologue after writing the second chapter, and then i decided to bite the bullet and post it! i made this account to share my writing, why not do that!!

im still a little in shock at how many people have enjoyed reading it & especially how many people love rue. ive never written any oc x canon before so it was a little scary putting her out there for the world to see!! sometimes i get that little voice in my head that goes "gr. youre being cringe" and i have to bap it away before it can rot my brain. im allowed to have silly characters and make them kiss other characters - no one can stop me!!

this got a little longer than i intended, but thanks anon!! <3 i hope this has been a lil insightful about the behind the scene of my very chaotic brain behind this fic! its all ive been thinking about for 6ish months now (oh gods)

[shadowturtlesstuff]

Could you maybe do an elain thing or a scene with lysandra and aelin being weird together please?

soooooo this has been here while....... but im writng more so i will eventually do all of the asks youve sent me. this is kinda what you asked or, but also not....

 ‘You called him an idiot, then kissed him?’ Lysandra asked as she tried to contain her smile. shed asked aelin for a girls night, to which she happily obliged. manon, elide, yrene had all happily agreed. They were all in terrasen for a week, which was rare these days. So they'd decided to take the night off from their responsibilities. All the guys were together to do whatever it is they were doing. None of them knew how well that’d go, seeing as there was some unresolved tension that could still be brewing despite the war ending two years ago.

 ‘Yes because he was being an idiot!’ aelin tried to plead her case to her best friend. She shifted on the seat and hid behind her hot chocolate that was more sugar than chocolate at this point. ‘And besides, he understood why i said it.’ 

 ‘Of course he did, he understood you more than you did at that point.’ Lysandra chimed.

 ‘It sounds like it,’ said Elide, and Lysandra let out a snort of agreement.

 ‘Oh please like you had it together, lys.’ aelin tried to defend herself.

 ‘Get on with it, you kissed Sam, and what happened.’ manon chided the lack of concentration everyone possessed. Yrene was smiling as she held her son in her arms and listened. Manon sat next to elide who had a shit eating grin on her face. 

 ‘I didn't realise you cared for romance stories manon.’ she peered at the woman who narrowed her eyes in warning. Not that it worked, everyone knew manon couldn't even consider hurting elide. Her, dorian and abraxos were the only people she loved. Well, aelin was sure she loved everyone in this room and wouldn't hurt them, even if she pretend otherwise. Manon was still struggling with the loss the war entailed. Most days she worked all day and most of the night, staying away from the nightmares that laughed her dreams. Aelin would write to manon often, to offer business between the two countries, as well as advice and anything she could think of to put a smile of the witches face if only for a second.

 ‘ i don't,’ she snapped, ‘but you cannot just derail from a story that easily.’ She tried and failed to convince everyone that she didn't care for the love story of Aelin and sam. It felt nice to talk about sam. Her first love that was unfortunately and horrifically taken from her. It hurt to talk about how it all ended, but she loved to talk about him in general. Their first kiss, the moment that the hope spread that they could lead a life full of happiness.

 Aelin rolled her eyes but continued, ‘he was about to leave,’ this part of the story only herself and rowan knew. She supposed arobryn knew too but he was dead now so it doesn't matter if he knew it. It did then, gods, it certainly did then. Sometimes she wondered if both her and sam were better at hiding what they felt for each other from arobryn, or if they were strong, she liked to wonder what would've happened between them. The future they could've had. She swallowed the lump in her throat. ‘He couldn't take being near arobryn any longer, and he thought i didn't care if he stayed or left. So he told me that i'd be fine without him, i always have been, but we both knew that was a lie.’ she still remembered everything he had said to her that day,had told rowan time and time again when she began spiralling down her past. He was everything she needed to remain present, to remind herself despite everything she'd lost that she still had a future. ‘I kept asking him to stay, to try and convince him to, i even offered to beg but he said no everytime, his mind was so sure of that decision. And when i asked why he told me he loved me.’ aelin's eyes dropped to her drink. She knew the pity that would be on their faces, especially lysandras. Lys had always been fond of Sam, and even though she knew about his death and what it caused aelin to do, she didn't really know their story. ‘I felt as if id stopped breathing, that the world was about to swallow my whole. But he grabbed me and said it again. And he said he'd loved me for years, and that he couldn't take it because he knew arobryn knew how he felt, and that if i had to pick between sam and that monster;he thought i'd pick the monster. So that's why I called him an idiot.’

 The room had gone silent, clearly giving her space to breathe after her story. She let out a shaky breath and stretched like a cat to try and get rid of the empty feeling in her stomach. She gave a sad smile to everyone and she caught a glance at lys who had her handover her heart and tears lining her eyes. They needn't say the words they both felt. They understood the trauma that haunted both of them because of arobryn. Both their lovers died before either had a chance to fully consider a happy ending. 

 ‘You little!’ yrene seethed at her child who had decided to use the quiet to vomit on his mother. Aelin laughed along with the others as yrene left to clean herself and her child up. She couldn't be prouder of her friends for finding each other and providing the child with the love that she felt all of them had missed as they grew up and the world decided to be filled full of hate. Maybe one day when she and Rowan were both ready, she could have a child of her own. But there were too many responsibilities and rebuilding to fully consider the subject of a child, never mind rowans potential fear of having another child.

 Later. She’d think of these things later,for now she had to deal with the woman she loved so dearly as they spent a well deserved peaceful night together.

@yafa-towers  (if you want to be tagged in my work from this point forward please send me a messge because i am writing more, therfore youll actually have work to see. i want to make sure if you do want to read my work you dont miss it. also feel free to send me prompts becuase that certainly helps me with my productivity)

[looking-for-wisdom]

Catholic Guilt

When your mom and dad marry they decide to raise you and your siblings Catholic. Your dad is agnostic but he knows this is important to her, so he agrees to help how he can. They have three girls. Mass is attended every Sunday and you go to bible school each week. They’ve done everything right.

You fight with your siblings often during services when you’re young. An hour feels like a very long time to be still and the whole ceremony is so dull. Of course, you know it means something, but you’re r a child. When your older you see the younger you in each child misbehaving during prayers. But despite the boredom it all feels a bit like magic to you. Your faith just feels like a part of breathing. Youve never known life without it. It’s easy. It’s natural.

Being Catholic, there are all sorts of classes to attend and sacraments to receive. Your mother ensures you attend. She even makes you the little white dress you wear to your first communion. Some classes are more fun than others, but you like answering teachers questions and asking queries that stump them. Sometimes they say odd things, but it doesn’t bother you too much. You asked about a friend once, who wasn’t religious, questioning where she’d go after all this. Your teacher struggled to explain only Christians can go to heaven, but she hasn’t met your friend. Your friend is good and will obviously go to heaven too. It’s ok, teachers make mistakes sometimes. Nothing to fret about.

You get older. It starts with a disconnect. You don’t fee quite as in touch as you did as a child, but you assume this is normal. You still have so much time, and many people don’t truely understand their faith until later. You just have to wait for the moment where everything clicks. You’re patient and you don’t mind biding your time. During that time you keep going to classes and summer camps, and every time you arrive you think this will be the day you understand. The epiphanies fade, though, not long after. It’s difficult, but you can’t give up.

You don’t know what to call it until many years later, but your anxiety first starts manifesting around the age of twelve. Religion class gets harder. You don’t know anyone there and they all seem to get it on a level you just... don’t. You still go to church every week with your family. Your beginning to understand what the priests say better now and some of it... is odd. It’s hard to keep track of all the lessons and you’re worried you won’t be able to keep up with it all. If you forget one you risk salvation and that’s a fear you really don’t know how to cope with. You don’t always agree, either. Your father may support your mothers faith but you still a lot of him in you. He teaches you morals and you can’t help but feel the church teaches some things that just feel wrong— like your teacher all those years ago who said your kind friend would not go to heaven. Surely that’s not God’s plan, but then again, the priests don’t make mistakes, do they?

The disconnect grows. You have a lot of rough weeks. Months. Years. You still don’t have a name for the stuff going on in your head but you cry often and pray for a sign that life isn’t just going to be decades of hating yourself so devoutly. It feels like a punishment and you’re not sure what you did wrong. You’re mad, and you feel incredibly guilty about it but maybe God doesn’t love you. Maybe this is all on purpose. The question sprouts: whats wrong with you? It has yet to go away.

You prepare for confirmation around the same time. There’s a lot of work to go along with it and really you can’t seem to bring yourself to do it when you feel so alone. The woman who teaches your confirmation lessons enrages you. She’s so cruel, so arrogant, so condemning. You have enough fears and you don’t need her adding to the pile, but she does anyway. Your mother is sympathetic but there’s nothing to be done. You have to be confirmed. This is the only option. On the final test you get frustrated and write angry notes to her in the answer blanks. She wasn’t happy, but you didn’t see her again, so no harm done.

Your confirmed now. You expect things to change. They don’t.

The 2016 election rolls around and things get bad. Your understanding of the world is expanding and you find that your beliefs don’t always line up with what your church preaches. You believe abortion is more complicated than they present it and that people should love who they like. They tell you to vote red in the name of God, but that doesn’t feel like God to you. And your mother... sometimes you find her crying over things they say. She’s like you— she was raised on this faith but it doesn’t come easy. You can’t comfort her, you can’t even comfort yourself. You can’t help but feel like God wouldn’t make your mother sob this way.

Freshman year you come to terms with it. You aren’t straight. It’s not easy, to this day your mother doesn’t know. She doesn’t condem it but she often says she doesn’t have to like it either. If she knew she was saying she didn’t have to like you she would reconsider. You know she would, and yet you don’t want to risk it. Not over something you can hide. You can’t change who you are but the faith that no longer comes as easy as it once did feels almost like a trap now.

You switch churches not long after. Your mom hopes it will make things better. You, to put it simply, are just... scared.

Catholic family. Mom, sister, you, sister. Dad tags along and Yknow, 4/5 isn’t a bad score. Except, when your older sister comes home from college she’s found that it’s better for her health to stay away. You wish you could join her. Mom, you, sister and dad tags along. Dad isn’t home all the time though, and now that the oldest is out he sometimes decides to keep her company at home instead of going to mass. You wish you could join them. Mom, you, sister. Your younger sister has Down’s syndrome and it’s hard on mom trying to explain the faith. She just doesn’t get it. Sometimes she stays home because mom is too tired to handle her on her own. Mom, you. Mom’s got one shot left. She’ll be devastated if you fall away too, and you can’t do that to her. You want to say it hurts you but she expects you to be the one to stay with the faith she gave to you. You learn to be the strong one. Don’t complain, keep mom happy, and never let them know how hard it is on you. You know it’s for the best but you hate it sometimes.

She tells you she’s failed sometimes, in raising her kids good Catholic girls. To you it just sounds like there’s something wrong with you, but haven’t you known that for... a long time? Every other kid seemed to have a connection that you don’t.

You think to turn to your friends who aren’t religious for solace, but they judge you, call you a hypocrite for claiming to have faith when the Bible says all these things you don’t obey. If only they knew that’s what has been killing you slowly since the day you were born. They want you to give it up, stop preaching your religion at them. It’s not your intent to make them feel as if you are forcing it on them so you learn not to talk about those things at school.

A war goes on in your mind. You can’t have both your faith and your beliefs— you can’t move past your trauma while still stepping in the place that caused it. But not doing both isn’t an option.

You pick up the phone to the God you can’t help but love despite it all, and you can’t hear the answer. Everyone says to just keep ringing, youre just not listening hard enough. Everyone says to just hang up, as if this telephone line that’s been with you since birth can go away just like that. Everyone has some magic fix-it answer. No one wants to say it’s alright. Faith is difficult, and trying your best is enough sometimes. No one wants to hug you when you’re alone and confused because you can’t turn to anyone.

They don’t want to listen to what you have to say, so you learn to take this on by yourself, never quite a Catholic, but never not one either.

[foodhx]

I havent written in a very long time. Im grateful i wrote previously and have something to look back on. So much has changed. S and i broke up. Its been more than a year, depending on how you count it, maybe 1.5 yrs.

Im not sure where im going with this, or in life. There were things i believed in before, had hope and ideals. I havent any hope now, i dont know what to hope in (apart from God). Its been like this for a while. What does it look like to hope in God now?

Ive ended up in a specialty i didnt plan on going into. What’s done is done. But the learning point is, it would have been better to take more time to rotate around before deciding, because it was an emotional, impulsive decision (felt way too rushed, i knew this even at the time of applying). It wasnt a peaceful decision, the way such “life-defining” decisions should be made. It was an emotional time - literally six days after S sent that message to break up with me, my boss texted to ask if i was still interested in applying. Im deeply grateful for the opportunity he gave me which i didn’t and don’t deserve. I should have a word with him at some point. On a side note, im deeply grateful that this dept and the people i work with now are mostly of incredible Godly character, a very unique and irreplaceable quality in a workplace.

So much has fallen apart. My career, and the relationship with the person who became my best friend over the course of 7-9 years. It felt unreal, standing there watching everything explode. I couldnt believe what was happening. I never expected things to explode this way. I never expected myself to leave, and i never expected him to leave. He didn’t mean to be cruel, but i experienced it as such, through the whole months of me begging. Especially at the point where he physically walked out on me and closed the door when i was crying hysterically - not to be overdramatic, but it felt like pure coldness to do that to my uncontrollably hemorrhaging heart (like watching that aorta spurting on cardiothoracics). He still thinks choosing not to carry on is right and directed by God, which i doubt. He declined reconciliation despite months of my sincere apologies, pleading with him and my attempts to remediate where i screwed up (he hasn’t made an effort to reconcile with me in 1.5 yrs, cos he’s lost faith in our relationship and, it seems, me, entirely. Unfair as it might feel, that’s the way he feels). All in all, the break up was devastating. I’m still disoriented and trying to find my feet.

Ive significantly lost respect for him, because of his choice not to carry on and to, well, give up on us. I feel that this was more an emotional decision than a decision based on a true seeking of God, true dying to self and true obedience, especially to certain biblical instructions (love your neighbour as yourself, in humility value others above yourself, the relationship as an expression of love for Christ “what you did to the least of these you did to me” rather than a competition for love for Him, 1cor13).

I feel his decision to give up, abandon and betray is not biblically based, even if it can be justifiable by a twist of verses (he justifies not carrying on as him “putting God first”). I feel his decision was driven more by his hurt that i broke up with him, over text, last feb, and my cheating on him in july, than a real, honest, self-challenging attempt to “put God first”. I feel the decision not to carry on came more from his hurt over what i did to him than a true excavation of what it means to obey God and seek Him first. Its not necessary to leave someone whom youve built up a relationship with in order to put God first. Its arguable that being there for one’s friends IS putting God first, rather than leaving them because you can’t deal with it emotionally (greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends).

E says that its never so simple as “i heard it from God”, its all a mix of (sometimes sinful) human emotions as well as right-minded intention to follow God. How much of this move is driven by God vs his own human uncontrollable emotions? I doubt he’s admitted the whole truth to himself or me.

But i think his hurt is valid. It definitely is. He says he still doesnt feel whole coming out of 2019 and how i broke things off with him over text in feb and how i cheated in july. I’m not sure what he feels because i cant identify, but he says he doesnt want to deal with the pain with me because it was caused by me, and he’s not ready to talk to me (“can’t deal with it”). He tried to forgive me at the time, attending counselling with me, but gave up after 2 sessions. So i guess i can believe there may be a part of him that could want to work towards a friendship at some point (tho this is thrown into doubt at times, because of our apparent fundamental and irreconciliable differences). On my end, I feel that ive given him the benefit of the doubt many times, and hes always disappointed me in this process, since the break up. He’s never showed up or been the bigger person.

I could give him time, or i could end things. I could give him time to process what he needs to, and give him the chance to potentially engage with me the right way at some time in the future.

Should i, though?

Well, yes and no. Part of me knows he will only ever disappoint me cos thats all hes ever done consistently. The other part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and just let him process things in his own time because its destructive to operate with such cynicism. One is overly cynical, the other is overly hopeful, and both responses arent centred.

Overall i just dont want to think about this anymore. I just want this whole thing out of my mind.

But is that enough for me to cut him out completely and forever? When i ask him, he replies that he wants to be friends but doesn’t know how or when that could happen. He isn’t at all invested in this “friendship”, even if he says its what he wants. He thinks God needs to encourage it or something before he will put in the effort... its all so screwed up cos of his ridiculous view or way of hearing from God that’s so mystical and non-bible based. I honestly feel really disgusted by him. He has been asking me not to contact him for a long time, more than a year. I’ve agreed to honour that. Mainly out of an understanding that he’ll never change, and ive outgrown him and his cuckoo ideas about how to hear from God. I know even if we become friends in the future, he’s gonna be the exact same dud - and why would i want to go back to that? Even as a friend. My basic requirements for friendship are that i respect the person and they respect me back. He absolutely does not respect me, and i absolutely dont respect him. Even tho we pay lip service to each other in emails for the sake of appearing holy and peace loving, we each are 100% convinced we know better. I don’t see a friendship here. I see disgust. I see contempt. Its beyond repair. And theres no instruction from God to repair it. So it will lie unrepaired for life.

Thinking about him makes me get into unpleasant thoughts and feelings. I dont have the exact words to describe how i feel. Not quite just anger (im over the peak of that), not really sadness (i do feel its sad that i still care about him and think about him so much when he wants nothing to do with me and wants me to not contact him - i mean, i dont have a practice of asking people not to contact me indefinitely, i think its rude, unfair and cruel), not just superiority cos i do admit i dont know everything and God works in mysterious ways and He still establishes a relationship with S even tho there is likely disobedience and misguidedness in S that he may never ever come to realize in this life). Its not purely a sense of betrayal as i walked out first - i knew he wasnt what i wanted, cos he wasnt loving me, or kind, or Christlike in his countenance towards not just me but everyone around us. I shouldnt just have walked out i should have pointed us to God, but there you have it. I dont regret ending things cos i know if i had continued we would be in a worse place than we are in now, where im stuck in an unhappy relationship out of obligation and fear of being alone. Its better to not be in a relationship than to be in one where you arent respected or loved.

I would say this whole event has had an impact on my relationship with... effort and commitment? Knowing you can try your best and have everything still fail. I used to believe in the “power of my dreams”. That i could get anything i wanted if i wanted it enough. But ive learnt that where the outcome is dependent on things outside my control (eg other people, genetics, politics), just trying my best and bringing my best intentions isnt enough. Its something but it doesnt guarantee an outcome - nothing can. You can say God can guarantee an outcome, but i would be cautious to believe only what He’s given in the bible and some revelations that are consistent with that and have been confirmed by wiser believers than myself, and those who know me well.

I have to hope again. And i have to stop wallowing and being selfpitiful. No. I have to hold myself to a higher standard.

The between places.

To focus on the next right thing - passing anatomy and being punctual. Seeking God, esp in my work...