#don't worry they ranted back at me
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Me, an hour into explaining the plot of the first third of CoH: and then he goes with this elf guy to this other elf guy, his name is Thingol-
My sibling, only paying a little attention: wait isn't that the guy who banned quinoa
#i'm crying about it gang its so funny#ah yes#my favorite conlang#quinoa#i love them theyre so funny sometimes#don't worry they ranted back at me#song being loud
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The thing about testosterone being a controlled substance means that acess to it for hrt is restricted. While it makes access a significant issue for many people and an easy and effective way to prevent trans men and mascs from transitioning (as we've seen terfs campaign for and succeed at doing in Britain) it also means that is very easy for health care professionals to be able to take it away from trans men/mascs arbitrarily. This is most aborant in cases where trans men/mascs are forced to detransition to gain access to abortions after being raped. However, the first sign of an issues tangentially related to hormones a gp, without any training in trans people or hormones, can and will stop a person's testosterone. Apart from how stressful it is to know that for the rest of your life you'll be dependent on the goodwill of a random person, this has measurable negative consequences for a trans person subjected too it.
Going off t fucking sucks at the best of time, but being forced off t will most likely result in depression and worsening mental health for a trans man/masc, who are already one of the most likely groups to attempt suicide. It can also put a trans person at risk if they suddenly start being visibly trans again, especially if they're closeted in, say, a work place environment. Trans people, including trans men, are already one of the most targeted groups of harassment and violence and sexual assalt and forcibly reducing or stopping t can out people and risk their safety. And a gp won't see this or care about this, or attempt to treat a trans man/masc first or ask for their opinion or situation.
Ultimately, testosterone is seen as entirely optional and so the first resort when something goes wrong it to take it away, when it should be considered the last resort, and is considered the last resort for cis men. And as long as testosterone continues to be a controlled substance it will remain like this.
(edit for clarification: I am a kiwi, this post was intended as a general critique of accessing t through health care systems - based in my lived experience in NZ and what ive heard from international trans ppl; including but not limited to the USA)
#Transandrophobia#This rant brought to you by my gp threatening my health and safety by stopping t for a couple conditions that would be treated if I were ci#Excess hemoglobin is documented but not well understood in trans men but there are option available that aren't no t#And high blood pressure runs in the family but no one's making my dad take t suppressants even though no medication is particularly effecti#If she asked me I would rather have gout and t than neither#But I don't get an option#And if I shout to loudly I'm scared they'll not let me ever take it again#She won't even put me back on the weekly injections I'm supposed to be on now that the shortage is over#Despite the fact she's worried my t levels are too high after the injection#(Which given they're normal after a week and how much I dislike the roller coster effect should be the first thing)#But if I start on the limited options and how t is seen as so optional shortages don't matter and different options don't matter
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#David Tennant#Alec Hardy#Ellie Miller#Broadchurch#my gifs#Yes they're talking about something extremely serious.#But can you see soft way his eyes tenderly trace her eyes and just rest on her face like it's the best thing he could look at?#He spends so long just looking at her -- and she is so mindful of his comfort level and RARELY looks back when he's looking at her.#If he's looking at her she's always looking ahead or down or away.#Except if she needs to hold his gaze to get a message across. Like go make some tea. Or if they're both worried.#This reminds me -- she is so naturally instinctively understanding of him#We rarely hear her addressing him by name after the rant that falls out of him when he has dinner at her place in S1.#She gets that simply looking at someone while you're talking to them is enough. And you don't need to tack on their name on top of that.#Which astounded me actually! I wondered if Chris Chibnall had spent some time around an autistic person!#Because I feel EXACTLY like Alec does abt names! I hate names. I hate using them. It's so unnecessary.#I'm not as outspoken as him though so I use them when I can't get out of it. But I hate it and I hate ppl using my name.#That scene was ASTOUNDING I'm telling you -- it took my breath away to find my very specific struggle onscreen!#Anyway. Yeah. She doesn't bug him or insist even though to her it's second nature.#I bet you she's very good at coming up with pet names -- another thing my autistic brain shrieks at and sth I suspect Alec finds impossible#Oh Ellie -- beautiful beautiful adorable strong wronged Ellie!#Wronged by everyone except him <3#Well and a few others -- Mark was kind to her despite his pain. Brian never treated her badly that we know of.#I will always love them for that.#I wish Jack had survived -- I think he would've been kind too. Maybe she would've hidden in his store when it got too much.
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I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.
#I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep within the last 48 hours and I'm still behind in my classes#I don't know how I'm supposed to keep up at this point#Just grinding constantly for hours every waking moment of my life#I'm stuck wondering the same things#'When will it slow down?'... 'Will it actually ever slow down?'#If it doesn't i don't think i can keep up#Full time in college and full time in work#However#every time i try to speak my troubles or stress to someone they just chuckle#and ignore me saying ''well college is like that. welcome to the adult world''#Why does college have to be like this? why is everyone so fine with this?#I'm very unmotivated right now#My grades are all low despite the numerous 100%s I've been getting#And they're not going back up no matter how many A+ s I get on assignments#I don't like talking to people - it scares me terribly#So i don't like it when I'm constantly forced to talk to over 10 people every time i go to school (talk to your professor they say#I like to think of my job at my second home#at least that's not too hard and i love the people#But I just need things to get less intense school-wise#Just for me to get a decent amount of sleep please#Just a little bit#Please#i don't know#I'm not going on hiatus no worries#I love my blog dearly and cannot abandon it for my mental health#I just need encouragement#Because I'm so tired#Sorry for the rant I hate to vent#I'll delete this later if i remember#💬
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Trying to think of a plus side to going back to school, considering my stress over not really having a notes app, having stomach issues and being stuck going for full days from 7/8 am to 2 pm. So that's all stressful. But i think i found one slight positive: if i can get past my stomach pain and tough it out for a full day, mahbe i'll actually manage to have a lot of time for reading. That'd be nice. That might mean I get more time to read stuff. So maybe it'd reinvigorate my hyperfixation in Percy Jackson and stuff. That might be considered a loose plus. But i have to hope i can still manage to make notes about the book as I read at school.
#I'm still really worried#so this is me trying to make myself less scared#is it working?#i don't know#i'm probably still going to school tomorrow though#sigh...#school#high school#back to school#school issues#school problems#school nerves#stress#stressed#percy jackson#pjo#pjo hoo toa#rick riordan#riordanverse#riordan universe#books#autism#asd#vent#rant
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i have so many thoughts about arcane but I'm so tired because it's 5 in the morning and I'm starving because i didn't eat and my brain is functioning at about 2% and all of my insides feel like mush.
#i need to rant so don't look in the tags if you don't want spoilers#it's funny because#I actually really liked a lot of stuff in the episodes#the one thing i didn't really like#is whatever they're doing with viktor lol#uuhgffffnnn you know I'm still holding out hope that everything will circle back#and his lore won't be like. really weird hextech jesus guy LMFAO#I'm attached to machine herald vik. okay. i must say it#and it's only the first three episodes so a lot could happen#but when I think about them completely changing him#and his character won't be anything like what i got attached to anymore#it makes me feel sick with anxiety lol#duuuuude sometimes having fixations is really difficult#i can't focus on the episode because I'm just worried about what they're gonna do with him 😭#i wouldn't really care if I didn't like arcane that much#but the thought that they could completely change him in the game#and all this old lore that I've invested time and love into#uuuuuuuggggg....... gonna throw up#I just need them to rip the bandaid off and release all the episodes and show me his vgu#before I make myself crazy waiting#I want to enjoy the episodes but!!!! he worries me!!!!!!!!!!!!#my intricately crafted self insert oc lore!!!!!!!! please don't touch it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Continuing the rant-iness of last post's notes onto this one i think (I appreciate if they're read, i think I'm too self-conscious to have them in the post itself)
#another thing that's kinda starting to get to me is the engagement these chapters get#i just remember i used to get more comments on Ao3 from a handful different people last year when i was uploaded Ch3 stuff#and now i kinda just get them from the same few people#don't get me wrong. i LOVE those and shout out to these people y'all are real ones fr#but when I'm releasing 10k+ words chapters back to back and getting so little engagement it starts to feel a bit discouraging#like. what happened? is my writing getting worse? are my ideas not as interesting as they were then?#i know it's most likely because I'm no longer posting updates weekly like i used to last year#but part of me can't help but worry if the fault it's on me as a writter#so to anyone who bothered reading these rambly notes; please! leave comments!#i hate being this annoying i feel awful asking for this but it's the one way i can tell people are actually taking their time with my stuff#even if it's a short comment. a thought or a joke. i assure you anything is better than silence#and I'll appreciate it so so much#hyena ramblings#dra -2+2#rant i guess?#more like vent now that i think about it
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thinking really hard about logging into my old tumblr acc after being gone for like a year and a half cause i stumbled upon a post that led me to my old mutuals and i teared up a lil </3 but also i feel so ashamed i left without saying a word to anyone aaaa
#like i genuinely feel so bad for simply disappearing from people's lives :c#i used to talk to some of them daily and like even had plans to see one of them on holiday to another country?? like that level of close#and then well my mental health went to shit i took a semester off uni and disappeared from my irl friends' lives too for a good 6 months#some of my mutuals had my ig and we followed each other but i also haven't really been there much since dissappearing last year so#but i just snooped into some of their accounts and seeeing what they're up to made me want to talk to them sooo bad#everyone was so cool and kind and i miss them so much it's just i feel so guilty and also don't even know if i'm able to mantain constant#contact and conversations with people now. like it's been even hard for me to stay in touch with my irl friends aaa#why must my brain hate me so much and not let me socialize !! i used to be such an extroverted person what the fuck happened!!#i know some of them messaged me worried and i felt so guilty for not responding but i saw those dms when i was very much deppressed#so i never answered and now i feel like it's too late GOD!!#anyways at least it was nice snooping and seeing how they're doing i genuinely wish them only good things they're fucking great#maybe i just need to suck it up and just go back and talk to people again but i get so overwhelmed just thinking about it!!#okay it's like 4 am i'm posting this and maybe deleting it in the morning sorry for the rant i just am feeling a lot !!
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Can I give you my rant about the absolute MESS Astruc and the rest of the staff did with the background of ML? Because it's infuriating to a history buff and cultural appreciator like me. Especially after the episode Darkblade shows they CAN do a good job (the story of the ancestor Darkblade is the last years of Bernard VII, Count of Armagnac and Conestable of France, just with names filed off), they just choose to be lazy. And infuriating.
Side material references the Fox, Bee, Turtle, Peacock, and Butterfly Miraculous as the Elemental Miraculous, drawing in the Wuxing... And they never explored that.
The Miraculous Order was based in Tibet... Except the Wuxing link above and everything else we see of the Order say they're Daoist-adiacent, and the Tibetan monasteries are Buddhist. And let's not go on the fact Tibet was a different and often rival civilization to China (even the CCP admits that, and bases their control on how China had CONQUERED Tibet before the British got involved) yet the Order is quite obviously Chinese...
Gabi Gassette changed name in Gabriel Agreste... Except this is impossible under French law. Changing one's personal name is already hard enough, and changing the family name requires a petition to the PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC proving you have a good reason under French law (and by what is shown, he didn't have one).
Joan of Arc never user her sword in combat, and in fact created her famous banner to have an excuse to not fight. So the scene of her getting time displaced and drawing a sword to fight is utterly ahistorical.
Lila Rossi is coded as an Italian, and I say that as an actual Italian. Her gestures, her expressivity, her hamminess, even her vindicativeness ("vendetta" is actually the generic Italian word for "revenge", but in English it became the word for "horrific revenge" because we're THAT vindicative), everything says she's an Italian teenaged girl. So all the "Cerise" nonsense is frankly ridiculous...
Now the really infuriating one, their take on Joan of Arc, of how she and the English bearer of the Black Cat were manipulated by the ambition of the Kings of France and England. Except Charles of France was the Dauphin, that is the heir to the throne, and grasping at straws to save France from the invasion when Joan showed up and requested he gave her an army to throw the English out of France and couldn't get crowned until Joan reconquered Reims, the city of the coronation. As for Henry VI of England, he was SIX (almost seven) when Joan entered the war (hence why Charles had a chance to reclaim the throne, to be crowned King of France one had to be a knight, and that meant one had to be an adult). These guys claimed Joan and Dark Grimalkin were manipulated by a desperate prince who was considering giving up and by a six years old child.
Sorry for the rant... But seriously, why did they do all of that?!
Because it's Thomas Astruc, and frankly I have no idea! Don't worry, rants are always welcome! By all means, I'm sure there's more stuff if we look for it! As a fellow history nerd, and also with Joan being my single favorite French historical figure ever, I have been seething ever since I saw their take on her. Henry the VI was literally just a child, and Charles was dependant on Joan because the English were demolishing France at the time! There is a perfectly good story in real history as to what could have happened to her and Dark Grimalkin! Just do an "partners on opposide sides of a war", slap in the iconic banner as her Miraculous weapon and call it a day! It would have been so much easier to follow real history! They didn't even need to do any work!
And as for the Cerise nonsense...that "explanation" better be really good. It better be Dark Souls-level deep lore with an interconnected backstory that ties up every single mystery in Lila's character better than Scooby Doo ever could, or I am going to lose my mind! I've already said this in my Lila post, but it's genuinely offensive that they had such a great idea for a character, and built her up so much...just to say "oh well actually she has three moms who don't even know eachother, and her name is Cerise, or Iris, or...something else". Lile c'mon! For Nooroo's sake here, it's a blatantly poor attempt to make her interesting again and it only worked because the fandom is grasping at straws for theory material because of the hiatus!
Any side material for the show just doesn't do a good enough job at actually giving us something new, or at the very least something interesting. The Miraculous and Kwami are constantly sidelined because why bother talking about this extremely high-potential universe you have in your show's Lore...if you didn't bother to fill in the blanks? Kwami are supposed to be Gods, Season 2 has references to Plagg blowing up Atlantis! Myths are apparently real in this universe! Please do something with that Thomas, it's free money! But nope, of course they ignore it.
The Guardian Order...well, I call them "The Jedi from Wish" for a reason. Like okay, religious order that has conservative thinking and backwards methods in a new world that is rapidly and constantly evolving. Cool concept! Unfortunately they don't even get their designs right, can't be consistent with which religion they're even based on, contradict themselves all the time, and make them utterly irrelevant after Su Han's first appearence. His only job in the story is to show up, yell at the protagonists, and then be proven wrong because "Ladybug is always right", only to apologize and then yeet himself to Brazil or something! I have an entire rant about this guy, but I'll refrain atm.
And lastly abt Gabriel's name change, I honestly didn't know that. Cool info, I'll add to my list of "times the writers didn't do their 5-minute google search". But like, c'mon. You're choosing to incorporate an important detail about your main villain into his backstory. Shouldn't you have somebody do the research to see if that's even possible? Even the intern is better than no one! I swear...and then us fanfic authors spend hours upon hours looking up obscure stuff just so one sentence/joke can be factually correct.
#miraculous ladybug#yolo rants#don't worry#i'm just as mad as you#and tomas astruc will be sorry#when i get my hands on him#petition to send the entire writing team to a “back to basics” class#rant post#thanks for pointing it all out by the way#i'm going insane#this is why i re-wrote the kwami lore in acoll#istg im gonna scream#but oh well#goodbye vocal chords#anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk#and ranting with me#i'll see myself out
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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I would personally like to ask Hanks, Orloff, Spielberg, the whole MotA gang really, what the actual fuck because even though I KNEW this was the Regensburg mission and I KNEW what sort of shit was going to go down I got played.
When Dickie got hit and was still in the second seat I started to doubt whether I was remembering the mission correctly. He wasn’t out on the wing, there was no trouble with the stabilizer … maybe I was mixed up! Maybe this was another one of Biddick’s close calls!
I should have known better.
#so for anyone thinking they should have read the book first to help mitigate the feels don't worry about it#it doesn't help - they're out to get us all#ALSO cannot believe they didn't take advantage of gut-punch we would get from Snyder climbing out on the wing. reaching back for his chute#putting it on and then jumping only to slam into the stabilizer and die#like we got a shot of someone else hitting a different bomber while bailing#but that “oh it felt like he was so close to making it!!” would have played well on tv#and Curtis Biddick still would have been staying to keep it level for his crew#anyway they still got me just not in a way I was expecting#sidenote while I'm ranting:#loling at them making such a big deal of the Buck/Bucky nickname situation but using Curt all the time for a guy who was called Pete#bold of them to use a nickname that makes sense instead of whatever brought 'Pete' on 😄#masters of the air#MotA#mota spoilers#masters of the air spoilers#curtis biddick#richard snyder#hbo war#MotA episode 3
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it's still a headache. i don't know what's going to happen after the 72 hours. she is clearly manic and that obviously is not going to end after only a few days. she's obsessed with a housemate and her condition worsens when she sees him; their bedrooms are right next to each other. we've contacted her brother who doesn't want to tell their parents yet, possibly because he's eeped out by the LSD component of this, but i really, really, REALLY think she needs to go stay with her mom in new jersey after being released. because what's the alternative? she comes back to brambleberry, where she's obsessed with alan, and i know fucking everyone will expect me to like nanny her because i'm her friend who lives with her and i'm unemployed so i have nothing better to do? i know her relationship with her mom might be tricky but i cannot singlehandedly take care of her when she's in this state. and i can't do it even if there's like three other friends also helping out, it is just not sustainable
#p#and someone is asking if someone can bring over her laptop and some clothes and i know they're asking me indirectly#but i simply don't want to. i don't want to get there and get sucked back into the vortex of worrying over her and dissecting her symptoms#i don't think it's a good idea to give her the laptop right now anyway. to give her internet access.#what if she reaches out to her work and starts ranting about fractals?
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#terrible morning everybody#woke up miraculously 3 hours before my usual wakeup time and was immediately slapped in the face with eos like a wet trout#i will be carrying on business here as usual do not worry#i've been living in futatsugi for nearly 3 years straight now and i've been into magireco for longer than that#i can't see myself leaving anytime soon; these girls have sort of changed my brain chemistry#but uh#so no ranka uncap? no sakuya uncap?? no (listing off the thousands of arc 2-oriented things i still want)#(because the brainworms are only satisfied for but a moment at a time)#i won't rant for long here since i don't like putting negativity up on this blog too much#but oh man. i've got to lie in the grass and stare up at the sky for a little while (and then go back to thinking about promised blood)#(like nothing ever changed lol)#if anybody would like to join me
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transphobes attacking me on insta for taking HRT after i literally explain that T saved my life by stopping my near-constant menstrual linked-hormonal seizures that i've been having since i was abt 16ish.... they don't actually care if it literally is keeping you alive in a medical sense they want you dead because you don't hate that you're not cis regardless
#pre-T i was never sure if i wanted HRT but after starting T it literally fucking saved my life and i can't imagine going back#full on. my roommates used to have to sit with me for hours in case i choked and died while going in and out of sei#seizures#it was terrifying for me AND them. i would have no thought going through my head besides 'please dont let me die like this'#HRT literally saved my life. it has been the ONLY thing to stop such aggressive and regularly seizures#and while im still disabled im at least not worried ALL THE TIME i'll die suddenly from this struggle#cis people would literally rather me DEAD than being ok with facial hair growth in exchange for no seizures#im a little drinkie i apologize for ranting. im just genuinely so upset objectively#someone said im ABUSING hormones.....#i had an episode in late 2021 that i was in and out of a seizing state for 2 hours. TWO HOURS.#the longest episode i've had since starting T over a year ago was maybe 20 seconds#i feel sick at the idea that people want me to suffer so significantly because they don't like that i'm enjoying the gender euphoria too#fuck. anyway.#rant#ig.....#alcohol tw
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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