#don't mind this. just venting

[twixtandshout]

I'm just thinking about him in the car. Watching movies with his hand around my shoulder. And I said "This is scary but I trust you, let's move slow" and he said "I don't need to worry about that, I want to go fast now." I said "You could destroy me with this if we're not careful but here's everything I can think of that would hurt," and he said "Lol okay" and then did everything on the list, and when I said "Can we talk about that?" he hit a few more on the way out. And I can't talk about it, any part of it, because it's been a month now and god, you're still upset about all this? He put a sun in his status and said he was moving on two days after everything was over, and I'm out here still throwing up from stress, but oh you can't say that because won't you consider it'd make him feel bad to know he hurt you? Don't you know opening your mouth is a violent act, that you can caveat and bubble-wrap yourself as much as possible but because it comes from your tongue it can be nothing less than calculated effort to some unseen conclusion of yours? I have been so much of his confidence and he has robbed so many words from me. "You wanted romance I couldn't give you. I would have rather been brothers." And you never said that with your face to me, I hate the words "led me on" but what am I supposed to think when you say you were addicted to using me, I would have been fine closing off any dream of romance so long as you put a hand on my head and said you cared, but I can't even say we "broke up" because even that is "pushing my agenda" and forcing you, offstage, into labels you never wanted. I have been turning myself inside out to understand you, to make myself less than the trauma nightmare you've made yourself to me, and god forbid my compassion be anything less than comprehensive when you only ever opened your mouth to tell me I've been grasping and needy and pathetic trying to apologize. I guess if you're not willing to come to the negotiating table every attempt at compromise is weakness. And when you pulled me close, arms around me – did you know, even as I said you felt like home? That if I said "Please treat me with basic consideration," you'd say "I didn't think we were serious enough for that"?

You said you'd hold me as long as I let you. I said I was terrified you'd throw me away as soon as I wasn't new or interesting anymore, and you spent weeks with "forever" as every other word out of your mouth in reply, swearing you'd wear my mark on bended knee. But I'm the one who was pushing too hard. Getting too many ideas in my girlish head. I was too invested, I shouldn't have been hurt by such a trivial thing; I didn't put enough effort into meeting your needs, I keep trying to fix things that should have just been given up on. You're getting me coming and going, you know? And forget all of that, every word you said and told other people but not me and everything you never said at all – the bottom line is, you treated me like I didn't matter.

And even if there was a way to tell you that anymore, I don't think you'd care. You said it already – I "wasn't that serious" to you.

(But none of this is the pristine immovitude expected of me. It's my job to stay steady, and saintly, and silent; we're not allowed to be a thing that hurts. Just think – if you have emotions, if you're allowed to feel and express things imperfectly, who could everyone else depend on! If only you'd just shut up and taken it, nothing would have had to change. You're so articulate. Surely, if you trip and grab for someone's arm – surely, if your nails dig in, if they unbalance under your weight, if you upend a buffet table – surely it must have been intentional, and never mind how many times you said you'd talk it out as many times as it took. What a kick in the pants, already out the door! "All you have to be is –" Perfect. Perfect, or nothing; or maybe just a fool for letting hope knock shyly in the first place.)

[awarmbowlofhomemadesoup]

When Shang Qinghua was a head disciple, he made ONE talisman system that automatically counts supplies (inspired by Microsoft Excel). Because he had cut the task that took 3 hours into 3 minutes, the peak lord saw it fit to give him a ton more workload.

Even in ancient times, the most efficient worker is punished with more work. Qinghua never did it again if he could help it.

(Okay, fine, he did it again for Mobei-Jun and never even noticed the Northern King's Darcy hand flex in the background.)

[murderspice]

aaa games: we have some of the most CUTTING EDGE character customization options for you!! you can't make them fat tho, only cause we'd have to design more clothing models and adjust the animation for them and we just don't have the resources for that haha you understand right. that's totally the only reason we don't let you do that. anyways which of these 6 cocks would you like your character to have

[floofanflurr]

I! Am so tired of the infantilization of Papyrus. I'm so tired of the infantilization of autistic people, and autistic traits. I thought we were past this in this fandom... but NOPE.

I am absolutely NOT going to name any names, (especially because I don't think ANY of this is intentional!!! I don't think people are doing it on purpose!!! And I don't want to hurt people. And also because it's SO many people now. I see it all the time from so many different places. It would be impossible to list them all.)

But??? I am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the casual ableism in Papyrus fans, bloggers, and writers who don't even realize that's what they're doing. People who say they are against the infantilization of Papyrus.

(Sticking the rest of this under a cut so I don't clog any feeds)

I just!!!! It's all well and good to have your headcanons about Papyrus! He's a really mysterious character that we don't know a lot about! I'm not denying that! But I see SO many people just… saying things like:

"Papyrus would NEVER do (insert autistic trait here) because he's an ADULT! CLEARLY it was a joke."

or

"People take him seriously or at face value when he does (insert autistic trait here) but he's not stupid???? Clearly it means something else-"

And so freaking many variations of that.

Just. Have your headcanons about what Papyrus means or doesn't mean. That's okay! If you think he's joking that's FINE! But PLEASE don't shit on other people and be so casually ableist by saying that he could never be these things, or that these things would mean he was stupid, or childlike if he ACTUALLY meant them or did them.

ITS LIKE. Taking the initial infantilization of Papyrus in fandom and spinning it on it's head so far it goes right back into infantilizing autistic people by just. REMOVING PAPYRUS'S AUTISITC TRAITS AFTER LABELING THEM STUPID OR CHILDLIKE.

"You're infantilizing Papyrus! CLEARLY he could never actually MEAN these things or do those things for real because he's an adult-" AND LIKE. BABE. THOSE THINGS ARE JUST AUTISTIC THINGS.

And just.

It's really really upsetting to see the traits that I personally relate to in Papyrus have people saying "he could NEVER actually mean/do that! CLEARLY it was a joke, or subterfuge or insert something else here-"(the very strongly implied "because only Children do that" is so clear it's nauseating) (And often stated, but just in slightly different language. "It's clear." or "Of course Papyrus wouldn't-" or "He's smart!" or "He's an adult!")

Most of the portrayals I see of Papyrus are wonderful. While I've seen this a lot in fandom, I don't think it's the majority of people who create or write, or blog Papyrus content. But it's a big enough chunk that it is incredibly worrying and upsetting.

I'm also not trying to wave away any level of subterfuge, or mystery that Papyrus has. Because he has a lot! And!!! He's a grown ass adult! (A HILARIOUS one who cracks a shit ton of jokes and is witty as hell.) Someone who is very sneaky about many things, and masks a lot, and is clearly hiding SOMETHING. Have fun theorizing about him, because there sure is a lot to theorize about! Sneaky, sneaky skeleton...

Just. While I'm not trying to change anyone's headcanons... It might be worth it to see if the Papyrus you create has been removed from all of his autistic traits that are deemed undesirable (a level of social ineptitude or not understanding others, routines like bedtime stories, and so much more) while only leaving the ones you think are quirky or fun (things like masking, or stimming with big, flailing gestures, special interest in puzzles, etc.).

And if that's true, why might that be?

If the answer is "because Papyrus is too smart/mature/clever/etc. to mean or do this seriously." then that is no longer an innocent headcanon. That is saying that people who DO have those traits aren't smart/mature/clever/etc. That is infantilizing autistic traits. (And yes! Autistic people can also do this by accident! I used to fall victim to internalized ableism that I didn't even realize was there, and I've seen other people do it, too.)

I was going to get into a more in-depth list of Papyrus’s traits that are autistic traits or could be caused by being autistic, and basically write an entire fan essay on the whole situation, starting from the beginning infantilization of Papyrus in fandom (equally as bad) and ending with where we're at now as Papyrus fans. (This right now is not an essay. It's a vent, and a plea. When I say essay, I mean with cited sources, properly structured... An actual ESSAY that would help people.)

But… I’m tired. I know it’s an accident in most cases. I know that most people probably don’t realize they’re calling autistic traits “stupid” or “childlike” or “papyrus would never because he’s not a child—“

And I know that this one simple post isn’t enough to explain how autistic peoples’ brains frequently work, or why these things don’t mean someone is stupid or childlike.

I know that without a thorough explanation there’s so many people that won’t realize that they’re doing this. And it’s certainly not as gentle as I wanted to be. I want to be kind, because I know that it's an accident, and that people aren't trying to be cruel or harmful.

But I’m just… tired. I’m so, so tired. It’s hard to gently explain to people that are actively harming you and your community why what they’re doing is hurtful.

Maybe someday I’ll actually write that essay, and I can include helpful tips on what autism can look like, or how Papyrus's differing things COULD be (not necessarily ARE) an indication or presentation of autism, and also some more tips on how to integrate some of Papyrus’s characteristics in different ways in a fic that keeps his wonderful autistic swag if that's what you want to do. Maybe I can delve into some more of the nuance of this discussion, of which there is much.

But right now I can’t.

If you're worried you might be doing something like this but you really do need an essay or more structure and specific writing breaking it all out, then. Well! I want to help people. If you have questions about what I said and genuinely want to learn, I can do my best to answer and help in an essay if there's enough questions, or in asks if its just a one off question.

(Though absolutely no promises. The entire discussion is draining and triggering, so... It's hard. Please don't be surprised if I'm unable to keep conversation about this going.)

I don't want to write the essay if it's not going to help anyone though. So… let me know. Maybe in reblogs. Just please not in my DMs. I'll turn on anonymous asks for the next month or so, and if people use them to be cruel, or confrontational, I will be taking that away again.

If you've made it this far... Thanks for reading.

...And, you know what? Shitty TLDR:

Papyrus is a grown ass man who can say fuck and be a bad ass bitch, and who can also be an autistic adult. These things are not mutually exclusive to each other.

Edit: Someone sent me a wonderful essay written by the-irken-pony about Papyrus and autism that was written in the earlier days of the fandom and Papyrus infantilization. (I have no idea how I haven’t seen this before.)

It’s not the current issue of “wow you became the thing you most sought to destroy (infantilization)” in Papyrus’s fan base, but it’s a wonderful breakdown of autism in Papyrus. It’s a good thing to read with this. You don’t have to accept the various headcanons as yours, but please take note of the various things that could be caused by autism. And then make sure that you aren’t calling those things childish.

[bbnibini]

I find it so painfully heartbreaking that Solomon just...laughs off all the derision, the name-calling, and possibly even did "evil" things on purpose because it's expected of him at this point. (He had not always been like this as Thirteen pointed out before). There was a time when he was "innocent". When his soul sparkled. When it resembled the kind of soul everyone in these god forsaken (pun intended with spite) three realms seemed to associate with the ever loved MC. He's just...worryingly carefree. And because he's like that, he feels even more of a tragic character to me.

Sometimes it even seems that he himself would seemingly make up excuses on why he's hated. Oh, it's because I'm a sorcerer this. I might have won a war against Devildom single-handedly this. I have forgotten. But maybe, I did something bad, that. Hon, you were doing that to SURVIVE. You don't have to be a faultless person to deserve compassion. You don't have to be MC to deserve to be loved.

[cherry-bomb1985]

I feel like The Father and Hell both understand and experience love in all the worst ways.

The Father sought to create a life form that would follow and love him unconditionally. It wasn't enough that he had a great cosmic kingdom of angels who are unquestioningly loyal, no, he needed something that knew suffering and mortality and the threat of oblivion, and would still find love at the end; love for him above all else. But after numerous implied failures at that, in his desperation, he instead created the threat of eternal damnation to force them to love him in order avert that fate. Lucifer's words must have been like a splash of cold water, but by the time he realized sheer magnitude of suffering he had unintentionally set into motion, it was too late. He could not destroy Hell; he could not stop the cycle of violence.

That guilt drove him to seek a death that, from the looks of it, eluded him in spite of the hollowness consuming him. And now he is... somewhere, helpless to stop his experiments from consuming one another and themselves in a glorious show of blood and violence.

And then there's Hell itself, who seems to recognize love as an act of violence and cruelty. It is something that derives joy only from the suffering of other living creatures. God gave it so many toys to hurt and break and reform, and Mankind gave it new ones. Why would it understand love as anything but? It gave Minos a facsimile of the son he is most ashamed of, and delighted when he cast it, once more, into a labyrinth. Gabriel flattened all the souls within it's confines beneath his heel and gave those that did bend false hopes.

Now there's V1, tearing its way through the remaining layers and creating a spectacle of violence like nothing Hell has ever witnessed before. How could it not love them all for all the entertainment they've provided?

But deep within its recesses, hidden away from the eyes of Heaven, there was a Gutterman. A machine built for war, who eventually came to love that which it gave it life at the cost of their own. Enough to give the human welded within their coffin the mercy that both Heaven and Hell had denied them; enough to write a single love letter to them, even knowing that it would never be read by its intended recipient.

So, as things turn out, you /can/ teach a machine to love. And they will understand and experience it more sincerely than God or Hell ever could.

[magentasnail]

Hey, how are you doing?

well I just started art uni and it's going so much worse than I expected,,, genuinely considering dropping out but that just makes me feel worse about myself !

so yknow, great !

[ineffablefool]

gahhhh the last few weeks I have been starving for fics or art where Aziraphale is clearly, legitimately fat (with adoring attention paid to his physical features which are associated with said fatness) and also clearly, legitimately loved ("desired" would be okay but oh give me cherished, give me treasured and held dear and, again, adored)

and I know that this is one of those things where I should just be the change I want to see in the world, but the last few weeks I have also been [flops face-first onto bed and doesn't move for 45 minutes], so clearly that is not happening

[mrsheo]

Monday.

I can't just as always go to work, because it's air raid alert after air raid alert, explosion after explosion.

Damn r*ssians want us d e a d. They strike our homes, schools and hospitals. Today they destroyed children hospital in Kyiv. There are news about people under the rubble. My friend texted me that she has a concussion after the explosion near her house. Bad news after the bad news.

I don't remember what it's like to have a normal day.

[hyperionjack]

[octarinecat]

You know what irritates me? When I type "raphael" into the search engine and only ninja turtles come up 😾

[dead-core]

craving validation from exactly the wrong person. slay

[hollowwish]

I don't really like. Politics post much but I wanna say something. Because the 2020 election was bad. This year is already worse and it's only March

As a queer trans american (who lives in the south, no less, and has to hear the dumbest anti biden propaganda you've ever heard) a republican getting in office is actually doomsday for me. I'm literally horrified of it. It gives me horrible anxiety for days on end and makes me feel physically sick. And if it happens I will not be able to leave immediately like I would want to.

The republicans want to kill me and i have known this since I was thirteen years old and i have just had to live with it. I have to just live with the thought as long as I'm in america. They want to kill me and all my queer friends and every other minority group they hate, they already took away abortion they have already started. And they are going to if we put them in office. Please please god do not let them put Trump in office again. I do not care who is in there, anyone but a republican. I will take almost anyone else but them.

Its to the point where I don't really care that a bunch of swfities are apparently voting democrat because Taylor said so. Yeah that's fucking insane but also it keeps literally the most evil man in this country out of office. Beggars can't be choosers I suppose.

Everyone around me is so sure of a Trump victory. They want him to fix the gas prices and things like that. People I thought were my friends really truly do not care what anti lgbt laws or whatever other horrible law they would make, as long as their personal problems get fixed. And I'm really really hoping that's not the case and that his victory is not already assured because I do not know what would happen and I am scared.

Please don't put him back in office. Just. Please. It's all I ask.

[venriliz]

why is the concept of showing empathy for drug/alcohol addicts so hard to understand for some ppl? v.v they suffer too sis, that problem has to come from somewhere and i bet most of them would rather not be addicted in the first place. some people don't know what nuance is i swear. am i crazy for having empathy with addicts??? i don't think so.

[kiirous]

I just now figured out why I prefer not to read from the viewpoint of my favorite character, but rather from the viewpoint of the ship partner I read about. It's simple, really. I just want my favorite characters to be worshiped the way they deserve, and the best way to do that is by reading the viewpoint of their shipping partner. I do prefer to read my favorite character's viewpoint, though, when I'm in the mood to read about them suffering. Or it's none shippy.

[deoidesign]

I’m a trans man that recently got diagnosed with hyper mobile eds, so now seeing Steve makes me extra happy, because cool disabled ftm rep. Thanks for making the radical dude bro, he’s funky.

same disability (waving hand emoji)

Always extremely fulfilling to know my work makes people happy in some small way, it means a lot. Thank you for sharing with me