#don't mind me i'll just live here
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couple of mello + near doodles
#death note#mello#mihael keehl#near#nate river#meronia#bright colors#eyestrain#been having fun w colors recently :3#these are the product of me really really really not wanting to do some discussion boards#like i don’t even hate discussion boards but something about them has been filling me with dread i’d rather just do exams tbh#i'm like dragging myself through the rest of this semester but it's different from last semester last semester i was losing my mind#this semester i've been able to sleep more than 4 hours a night and go outside bc it's not freezing but also i'm just so fucking done#with school i've been here too long i'm tired but i'm always tired and will always be tired it's tragic honestly i think i'd be more cool#with school if i weren't living how i am rn w my family but eh i don't have the money to move out so it's whatever and it doesn't really#help that i know i'll have to get at least a master's to really do anything in my field and the though of doing more of this makes#me so tired i think i might take a gap year after i get my bachelors this fall idk#anyways enjoy my doodles or don't if you don't want to i'm not the boss of you
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Something I both love AND hate about FF7 (the original game and everything after, including the Remake trilogy) is that it is just ambiguous and/or player-driven enough that no matter which side of the love triangle you fall on (assuming you do in fact ship Cloud with one of the girls), the majority of fans for that ship are 100% CONVINCED it's the correct/canon option.
Like, certain scenes are definitely up to interpretation, and people are going to thus have varying reads on those scenes and the characters/relationships the scenes are about. It doesn't help that several scenes change depending on the player's choices, which acts as a confirmation bias as you naturally get more time and romantic moments with the girl of your preference. It really seems to me that MOST people who ship Cloud and Aerith have one solid interpretation (with a plethora of supporting evidence) of the series and the romance, while most people who ship Cloud and Tifa have their own solid interpretation with plenty of evidence that is VASTLY DIFFERENT from the Clerith reading of the game.
This is not a case of "one ship is clearly, explicitly canon and fans of the opposition just like their pick better and/or think it made more sense narratively and WISH it was canon" - for an example of that, look to the Avatar the Last Airbender shipping wars. This is a case where both sides literally interpret the story just differently enough that they come to entirely different conclusions about which girl is Cloud's true love. And if either side reaches out to try and explain their viewpoint to the other, they're just met with "uh, no. You're wrong." Try and explain what Cloud might be thinking in a given scene with one of the girls, why he acts a certain way... "That's not it at all, where are you getting this? Are you delusional?"
Like, I am a Clerith shipper. I have played all the games in the compilation and watched Advent Children. I tried to be as completionist as possible, even. And I came out on the other side of really digging into the story of this game loving Cloud and Aerith's dynamic and pretty firmly convinced they were canon. Or as canon as possible in the timeline where she died.
As any Clerith fan who participates in the fandom would know, if you try and explain your interpretation of these characters and the romance to a diehard Cloti supporter... you're met with a lot of "you're misinterpreting! Cloud and Aerith were just friends! She loved Zack to the end and Cloud loved Tifa since childhood and never stopped! Also Aerith is actually BAD for Cloud because she's too pushy/abrasive. She's not helping him open up, she's just forcing him to go along with her and making him uncomfortable!"
All of this is of course infuriating, but I'd like to think I'm self-aware enough to know we are kind of guilty of the same thing. The majority of Tifa fans are SO happy about the kiss in Rebirth, while we're over here dismissing it because, one it's optional, and two Cloud is "obviously" using Tifa as a rebound or settling for her since Aerith is seemingly unavailable. But that's not how Cloti fans see it at all.
We can talk until we're blue in the face about how TIFA deserves better than Cloud because she shouldn't be the second choice - the one he settles for. But I think most people who really love Cloti genuinely don't see it that way. In their eyes, she's NOT second-best. Cloud loved her all along and this kiss is finally confirming that. And nothing we say will dissuade them, just as nothing they say will actually change OUR minds about Clerith.
It is honestly really difficult for me to try and see the story and romance the way Cloti fans do, but I know the reverse is also true. Both groups of fans interpret the characters and relationships differently. The compilation ALLOWS us to interpret them differently. And this is why the ship war for a game from 1997 is still raging on.
Because both camps are certain they're right, they defend their position viciously. Sometimes that means invading the "other side" to tell them how wrong they are. This discussion/rant was prompted by a Cloti fan on a Clerith vid who wanted to debate MY comment about how wonderful the ship was and how good they were for each other. He was "confused" and "concerned" because Clerith fans were reading the story wrong or warping it to suit our ship.
I wanted to tell him, "buddy that's what YOU'RE doing". I wanted to write a goddamn essay explaining why Clerith is canon actually. But considering in my INITIAL comment that he first responded to I'd already brought up why I thought Clerith was great, and he was IGNORING that... I knew it would be pointless. There is nothing I could possibly say that would change his mind. There is nothing he could possibly say that would change my mind.
As long as both sides of this war are fully convinced they're right, this war is going to be endless and brutal. And that's why my absolute biggest fear for part 3 is an open, ambiguous ending regarding the ships. Maybe it will canonize nothing. Maybe it will canonize BOTH by having the actual ending change depending on which girl the player favors.
Either route will offer no relief to this eternal battle. I would honestly prefer for Cloti to explicitly and unambiguously win than an ending where neither girl does. Because I can accept a loss. I can accept being told that actually I WAS interpreting the story wrong, but I'll only accept it from the text itself. If anything, a Cloti ending might encourage me to go through the entire compilation again trying to view it with that canon couple in mind. I'm sure I'd see things differently, even if I'd always have a place in my heart for Clerith. And I sincerely hope that if Clerith were to win that Cloti fans could do the same.
All I know is that I'm sick and tired of this ship war. I personally have never gone after Cloti fans or engaged in Cloti content with the intent to debate or hate on the ship. But I don't speak for all Cleriths. I'm sure at least a few fans of my ship are guilty too. I have seen many obnoxious Cloti fans invading our spaces to disparage us - mostly on YouTube and Twitch, less here on Tumblr - but I KNOW there are plenty of kind Cloti fans who just happily enjoy their ship and leave us to ours as well.
At the end of the day, regardless of how part 3 ends things, I just wish we could live in peace. Please enjoy your ship. Your interpretation of the text and romance is valid. But so is mine. If neither side can agree, then the best thing to do is leave each other alone.
#clerith#cloti#ship and let ship#final fantasy vii#i tried to be as neutral as possible about this topic so i think it's only fair if fans of the other ship can see & chime in too#but please. PLEASE. literally the point of this is that i'm sick of arguing#hardcore fans of one of these ships WILL NOT be persuaded to the other side. don't even try.#i don't want to debate about this. i just want everyone to live in peace#final fantasy#edit: i've been informed this still isn't neutral enough. so i TRIED to make it more so. i don't think it's possible to go further#at least not without cutting out a lot of what i want to say. i'm not taking out what bits of interpretation are left from both sides here#since IMO that dilutes my point. the idea is this particular series CAN be interpreted so both sides legit think their ship is canon#i need at least one example of a sticking point between the sides for that#beyond that i just gave a singular example of ONE bad cloti fan stirring up shit in a clerith space#(and trust i have many more examples i kept to myself for the sake of trying to be neutral)#good fans who mind their own business shouldn't be bothered by me pointing that out since they're innocent. just saying.#anyway if this still isn't neutral enough for y'all i guess i'll remove the cloti tag. just let me know
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Hi! I just need to ask after seeing your recent Bad Kids Class Swap piece - do you have an online store/do you think you might ever consider printing the piece as a poster? I’m in love with it and I know I’d absolutely buy it right away XD
huh you know what let's get a poll goin! lemme know if folks want to like buy prints from this blog and such. there are literally Two (2) pieces eligible for prints here anyway lol
more information: I'll probs use inprnt if I put up a storefront and I'll only put up standalone illustrations for prints. fully leaving the future open for this one I'm truly not pressed either way abt this
#not art#like maybe if I do more chibis they'd make fun stickers but once again. not doing this job-like! not going into this with that mindset#and otherwise if u just wanna tip me/send me a few dollers for fun I encourage you to put that towards crips for e-sim for gaza#or gazafunds (dot com) I will be very happy if u do! consider it a donation in my name if u'd like#of course also be warned (idk if thats the right word lol but eh) that this happening would Not make me any more merch-minded#I'll truck along here drawing my fancies as usual <3 it is afterall my house#and if u like something from this blog that's not a standalone illustration and want to put that on ur wall: go for it#I absolutely think u should print out art u like urself at 5 pixels per square mile and tape it to ur wall its good for ur brain to do that#scrapbooking has become an instagram art I don't care for that. let's bring it back to us again. revive ur middle school binder#put anime in the front of that beast. collage! do everything on standard print paper and let it rot as a part of the work#live! kill! love deeply! put things on ur wall. u can do what u want forever!#and vote in the poll I guess if u do want prints! see u later
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li. lis ten. Hastings' little bellY?
it's. somet hign that can be. so pp erso nal
#don't mind me I'll just be over here sexualising that middle aged man and losing it about it#I love his sweatervest! I love his tie!! I even love pleated trousers on him (even though I don't like them usually)!! I love *him*!!!!#they probably just ate! and then they decided to play Monopoly! The domecticity of it all!!! I'm living for it#2.3 the Lost Mine#Poirot#captain arthur hastings#guess it's thirsty for hastings hour#back on my screencapping bullshit
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People like this have made me terrified that I am mischaracterizing my favorite character by playing into his strengths and emphasizing them so much... That I'm making things "too anime", "too over-the-top", and by doing that straying away from the groundedness that made the character compelling in the first place... But I think it's better to be a fan who loves someone so much they're willing to step into goofy over-the-top showcases of strength and morals out of love than being a fake fan who only ever rags on what they proclaim is so dear to them. I dunno. I don't think I'm wrong in saying that. I'm hella insecure when it comes to my own writing, especially with this guy because I want to do him as much justice as I possibly can as a writer. But I have to convince myself that it's not too much.
#logs#it doesn't help that i've been exposed to a lot of bad writing and cynical critique in general‚ so i'm even more fearful...#but i think the cure for that is to just... read more‚ and read with an honest heart#i don't know... i feel like i have a lot of growth to do as a person‚ as a reader and writer before i can execute this to the level where it#can truly be considered a masterpiece. grounded‚ yet not so. over-the-top in every way while also providing meaningful critique and#commentary on the nature of humanity. gutwrenching dialogue packed neatly with the most insane displays of asskicking. commentary on how war#is cruel and bad and only sows misery contrasted with the coolest battle scenes you have ever seen. these are the essence of the things i#love‚ and i want to be able to channel that through my own writing as well. it's the only way to do justice to the source material‚ the only#way to truly pay a tribute to the things that i love.#now that i am free‚ i can finally become more cultured... read more books‚ watch more films‚ inhale old mecha anime... it's what i've always#dreamed of doing#i just need to undo the mental shackles of ''i cannot do this right now''... i can. i finally can. i just need to let my mind catch up to#that. give it a little push along the way#once that's done... the journey begins.#i anguish a lot over the fact that my writing is locked in a tomb for the next decade... but sometimes‚ like now‚ i think‚ hey‚ maybe that#isn't so bad. imagine how many movies you can watch in those ten years... good movies‚ bad ones‚ exceptional ones... i'll have grown so much#as a writer by that point in time because i'll have learned the ''how'' part of what i want to write. i have the ''what'' already‚ and a#general idea of ''how''‚ but... ten years from now‚ i'll be able to write everything in a way that truly makes my eyes shine#a rare moment of me being hopeful for the future... i cherish it as those don't last very long in my life. i more often tend to despair#(cursed be the chemical disbalance!)#but yeah. there is a lot to look forward to despite the hardships. sure it would've been nice to just... have it all here‚ but... that's not#the world i live in. and maybe this one isn't so bad‚ either.#i have my box of scraps. now i just need to make it out of the cave.#the deadliest type of man is one with motivation and a purpose. right?
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will you appear again before Christmas?🥲
YES HI!!!! WOWEE sorry for being away longer than i intended! estranged family member showed up on my front door after 18 yeARS of no contact?!?!? went to bali and lost my pasSPORT?!?!?! failed my driver's TEST!?!?!?!
#life
#i've been writing a lot!#so i will post something soon#i missed u all and thank you to the people who checked in with me#it meant so much more than you know :') <3#tumblr has become such a creative outlet for me and retreat for me overtime but i didn't realise how comfortable i got here till now#taking time away has also cemented my own writing style#for a while i was trying too hard to force/fit into what i saw was popular in the yandere niche (art under capitalism xyz competition xyz)#now i've fully embraced what i can write#like to write#and want to be known for writing#so yes it's been an interesting end to an otherwise hellish year. honour roll second yr in a row so it all feels worth it now but jfc#i've never crashed out so much before in one year#so yeah! if u read all that ur a legend#just yapping abt what's been on my mind#consciously reading has also challenged me with how i want to extend my own writing#as if i wasn't ambitious enough bye#but i really hope that 2025 is#above all else#the year of unbroken promises#i don't want to promise things i can't deliver#but i still want you guys to be excited for what i do put out!!#so lesson learned; do not make a series masterlist/seasonal event if all the chapters or stories aren't pre-written out alr :')#2025 writing goals just bcuz i saw people do this with their reading so why not with writing?#1) begin and finish a multi part series (more than 5 chapters! i live for the longform)#2) clear out my inbox fully. i'm at 40ish asks so this isn't too crazy of a goal imo#i'll c ya guys soon tho! thanks for sticking around <3<3<3 love u all#excited for what's next :)
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it is offically day 384759438292093824 of thinking about these teasers and trying not to fall apart
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side note: i am failing miserably and i’m not okay in the slightest [audible sobbing in the background]
#like these snippets#(im not even joking)#NEVER leave me#like this is constantly on my mind#i'll be walking down the street and just “what if i just love you? what if i love you but i never touch you or talk about”#or even worse “all that effort to convince you i wasn't in love with you and here i am dying in your arms”#LIKE LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE#JUST STOP TORTURING ME#I CANNOT LIVE ON LIKE THIS#I WANT EVERYONE HAPPY#please don't do this to me :(#kit herondale#ty blackthorn#dru blackthorn#ash morgenstern#kit x ty#kitty#dru x ash#twp predictions#morgenthorn#the wicked powers#twp#tsc
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😭😭😭😭 (spoilers for Long Live Evil) seriously like. Don't read this if you don't want a major plot point spoiled.
Key my beloved. Why????
😭😭😭😭😭
I am seriously so sad right now and I want to keep reading but I should go to bed.
He's my favorite. 😭😭😭😭
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nothing makes me happier than finding lost media, so when i tell you i just discovered that some amazing person has uploaded to Archive.org every episode of a long-lost (to me) Saturday Morning cartoon that aired for like 3 months when I was basically an infant??
these tears of joy are real like holy fuck sometimes living in the future doesn't suck 100%
#cartoons#saturday mornings#cog gets personal#don't mind me#i'll just be over here re-living my childhood
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I think I've become an official HI3 player. I check the HSR leaks hoping for iterations of HI3 characters now
#I have little hope about some of them. For instance the Su and Kevin voice actors are taken by Aventurine and the Trailblazer iirc?#Kalpas' voice actor does the male Dreamseeker in Part 2 of HI3 which is not as terminal considering HSR is a different game but still#Luocha thankfully exists. I don't think they'll be introducing Kiana anytime soon#I would love Sakura but I'm way more into PE Sakura than CE Sakura and then there's what they did with Miko#Some of my favourite things of PE Sakura they gave to Jingliu or Acheron already (freeze time‚ haunted and corrupted by loss‚#unable to unsheathe a sword and memories coming back to her when she does‚#piercing someone's heart with her sword but the other person living on with a new life‚...)#Thus an iteration of all that but with the cool things missing could get messy and unsatisfactory pretty easily#Mobius and MEI are similar to Mei and Herta so they're in a similar situation to PE Sakura#I find Griseo somewhat unsettling in a good way and in a way same with Eden. I love all the loss weighing on her as if she had already dead#with the concept of her being The Era itself and the era dying. So I wouldn't mind seeing them too#Hua seems like she may appear in the Xianzhou? Given the Marshall existence and that the Xianzhou drinks a lot of those concepts#Blade‚ Dan Heng and Jingliu drink so much of Fu Hua. I don't care about Hua though. The Herrscher I did like though#I'm curious about what they'll do#Other than the Chinese voice actor having already a steady job in Mihoyo‚ there's echoes of Kalpas in Blade‚ Arlan and Sam#so I really don't have much hope there. Not as little as with Kevin and Su perhaps but... yeah not really a lot of hope#Yet here I am. Hopelessly hoping for a Kalpas iteration. Imagine how beautiful the fire would be *sigh*#I was so mad about him being my favourite in HI3 but it just makes sense#Besides the Guzm.a process he went me go through‚ he truly has a lot of themes going on that recall Blade. I don't know...#I like his CN voice actor a lot‚ and how he plays Kalpas in particular‚ both when he's calm and when he's deranged#The Dreamseeker doesn't have the same voice at all unfortunately. I would really love to see him in HSR what can I say#That's the kind of person I've become. In a little bit of time I'll be wanting a Kalpas plushie at this rate#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later
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you know if we do accept the last epilogue-esque sequence as a sort of dream/wish of ted's and therefore not necessarily canon, very funny if we then simply go "yeah, trent's book is called 'the lasso way' actually. he didn't change that. nope."
#listen on one hand#i think that like#i don't think ted actually changed trent's mind about the title#i think trent changed it because ted asked him to#and like that's especially interesting bc he even made a point of being like#'tell me if you disagree with anything and i'll tell you why you're wrong'#but he respects ted; more than that he likes him and he wants him to like the book--like him#anyone else and trent would have told them to fuck off but ted? ted asking him to change the title? yeah#i think he didn't agree with 'it not being about him'--and not bc of any feelings he may have for ted--but if we accept that him changing#the title is canon then like. he did it because ted asked. nothing more nothing less#maybe he felt he owed it to ted as the subject of the book; maybe he just respected him too much not to#maybe it's partially bc of his feelings; maybe it's because he just couldn't say no to ted#but it's ultimately just. because ted asked him.#and trent respects him; trusts him; cares about him#and that's pretty heartwrenching#but like on the other hand if we say 'no that was ted's wishufl thinking trent definitely went 'sorry ted it's called the lasso way''#also like.... him being like. like quietly not changing it and if ted said something him just. being like#ted. i respect you. i care about you. i trust you. but with all due respect absolutely not#yes it isn't ONLY about you but YOU made this happen. YOU are special and YOU have a place here whether you can stay forever or not#yes it's about the team and the coaches yes you aren't a one man band but ted. TED. you touched lives. you changed lives. and that was YOU.#that was you and your philosophy and your attitude.#you made richmond what it is today. yes the team deserve credit too for the kind of bond they have now but YOU facilitated that#none of the coaches currently here woudl be coaches if not for you. the diamond dogs wouldn't exist. literally every single one#of our friends--OUR friends--wouldn't be where they are and probably wouldn't be as happy#you got through to people over and over again who were hurting and lashing out. to rebecca. to roy. to jamie. to nate. to me.#and you can be humble but there's being humble and there's acting like you don't matter to any of us like you didn't have an impact#like you can just leave without a trace. we don't blame you for leaving--i especially don't--but acting like we won't miss you and like#your time with all of us--our time--meant nothing is more insulting than it is humble because we /love you/#and yes. it was the goddamn lasso way that built this place#this community.
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Hello darkness my old friend (literally)
#power just went out like 30 minutes ago#hurricane milton#I'm too anxious to go to sleep#I should've gone to bed earlier so I could've slept through this#but instead I'm a dumbass awake at 1 am in a hurricane#it's pitch black in here. the only light is coming from my phone.#I don't think the hurricane is strong enough to like. destroy the house. but. um. very scared.#my first hurricane lol#I lived in the Rockies for most of my life far from any beaches#but of course my family has to move to Florida 😒#I'm gonna try to get some sleep now. I'll try to update you all in the morning#hopefully everything will be fine#I think my anxiety is just. not helping. at all.#anyway. good night everyone. stay safe. if you don't see me post in the next 24 hours. well. um. never mind. I'll be fine.
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current party composition:
Me (obligatory)
funny boytoy that runs into battle and dies immediately every time
very cool woman 👍
"i thought bringing you made sense for the plot but you contribute absolutely nothing and I deeply regret my choice but I'm in too deep to turn back and switch you out"-man
#dragon age origins#i play on easy because combat doesn't interest me that much and i don't have the patience to figure out nice setups#i value fun over proving something to internet folks so i have no issues playing on easy#i usually try normal first just because like. that's kinda the intended experience yeah?#but if I don't enjoy that experience I'll switch to whatever difficulty i think i will enjoy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#I FUCKING HATE THE DEEP ROADS I HATED THEM IN INQUISITION I HATED THEM HERE I YEARN FOR THE FORESTS AND FIELDS#towns are alright I don't mind towns#BUT I HATE HATE HATE!!!!! BEING UNDERGROUND I CANNOT STAND THE DEEP ROADS OR ORZAMMAR#this opinion makes playing as an elf every time oddly fitting tbh#i enjoy the lore and concept of the deep roads i just. hate caves. hate being underground. irl and in games.#irl it's because of a fear but in videogames i just find it dreadfully boring#i saved orzammar for last because i KNEW I'd dislike it and man i wish i did it first to get it over with#dragon age is actually the first piece of media where i find dwarves somewhat interesting!#I've always found them dreadfully dull but yeah in dragon age they pique my interest even if i absolutely loathe the place they live#whatever.... go my weevils
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Wyll: I want to do this right, like the tales of old!
Fiona, local bard who has been performing these tales since she was a teen and dreaming of starring in one herself for even longer: Oh?! Okay~ <3
#don't mind me#bg3#baldur's gate 3#wyll x tav#bg3 spoilers#baldur's gate 3 spoilers#wyll ravengard#bg3 wyll#bg3 tav#I've seen minimal content for his romance so...I'll supply more of it myself because wyll is just...hella sweet#and my tiny half-drow bard is just absolutely smitten with him#and now they're buzzing around my brain and I have too much lore for them#I guess I live here now#it's the soft smiles and shared interests though#every hero needs a bard and every bard needs a hero#the nightrose#oc: fiona#the storm singer
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Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy
You have... very very very very very very very very smart people you know, and they're say something that not only isn't true, but literally is as opposite of the truth as it's possible to be... and you'll... gently inform them "hey, it's actually a bit more like this" and then they just kinda... go on saying literally the exact same thing
I'm not sure if it's just that... I often feel like I must be very bad at communicating, or people must just not notice/ignore a lot of what I say, but... I don't know
Like dearest friend, you've said something as absurd as... I don't know, it's hard to say without saying it, but honest to god about as absurd as saying the United States was a part of the USSR, that level of completely getting it backwards
...and it just doesn't seem to matter when I try to explain it... I legit don't even know if you read what I said
Really end up feeling like I'm going nuts sometimes
#to be clear; I don't mind people disagreeing with me (though that's not what's happened here... I don't think I came into it at all)#but all I need in order to be able to work with disagreement is just... knowing you at least heard and understood me#like if it's 'I get that you think that vanilla is a good flavor of icecream; but I really prefer chocolate'... ok; this works for me#it's that... a lot of the time it honest feels more like 'what are you talking about? vanilla isn't a flavor' where... huh?#let's take a real example; not everyone needs to agree with me on nuclear#but like... someone saying 'I get that it's way safer these days; but I still worry about waste storage'... well ok then#but if it's just like 'but it's dangerous and will explode' even after I've explained about the designs now#where there's a salt plug that with melt and drain before anything can happen; and these materials don't like to run away#...and it's not like they're asking me to back up the source; it's like I never said anything at all...#what am I supposed to do here? you feel me on that? do you start to get why I feel like I'm going crazy when that's how it often feels?#no one is obliged to agree with me but... literally just active listening would fix this... say you heard me and we're good#acknowledge that I voiced something and it's been noted#honestly... honestly my who life it's felt like I must somehow actually be invisible#...to an extent maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination; I might well be a ghost that's lonely and makes you all up#...for all the impact my actions have#or maybe literally everything I say just comes out garbled... is that it?#this post is about something very specific; but it's also about something that happens a lot with a lot of different people#on a broader scale; why is it no one else seems to be able to connect the dots#and these aren't like... conspiracy theory dots; these are like russia buys drones from Iran; therefore russia and Iran are partners#that's the kind of dots I'm talking about connecting; please tell me that's not a conspiracy theory to you... it seems plain to me#I don't know... I really don't... I don't think much I say will ever have any impact anywhere on anyone#...honestly a good 90% of the time people don't even respond to what I say#not like my posts here; I mean direct in dms or whatever; I'll say stuff and it's just silence or a new subject#again; across multiple people; it's common... it's... I think it happens more often than it doesn't#I can instantly name 4 conversations with 4 different people that's happened with lately#and that's not counting the 3 where I know the reason why it's happened#I really am something unfit to live; the evidence is endless#mm tag so i can find things later
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11:23
I'm a damn leech. That's all I am
#audrey/kellie's rambles#audrey/kellie vents#dont mind me#im a leech. im a bug. disgusting. im too much to bare. others in the community talk to each other and yet rarely me#i try to talk witj them. maybe im just not that ... good with my ocs. maybe thats why they never ask. maybe-#im too fucking clingy. im too obsessive. im too moody. im fucking crazy.....#I'll just be here tho. i wonder why no one really talks to me. outside of the internet and in of the internet too#but maybe that means im too fucking annoying for something. bjt then again they have a life and its not sll about me. and my long ass asks#they should be sble to live their life. and yet here i am. getting jealous fucking jealous that my friends are talking to each other#its stupid. i shouldn't be like this. its fucking stupid to he jealous of my friends talking to each other. but it seems like i only#see them as my friends or maybe its because i said smth about my school. and then they leave me alone. but theyve.. always left me alone#always. always a shadow. always actually reminding me that im a bad fucking person. always to be there because...#honestly it has to be me. right? im the damn problem. thay dont talk to me. yet i talk to them endlessly. like they are already gone or smth#i suck at being friends. because this is who i am. some possessive fucking freak. i really should. choked myself with some wires.......#this is just reminding me that my twin is more better and more interesting then who i wanted to be hack then when i was on Amino.#even back then they didn't care for me. now its like its the same but much worse. because-#i hate it. i hate feeling lonely. what the fuck. give me fucking validation. give me attention. give me love.#give me any fucking kind of attention. hate on me. spit on me. kick my legs. i dont. i just want attention. i want to be the center of it#all. but im not and it fucking kills me. i want it so bad. and honestly? i did. for a fraction. because of Flor and my other past ideas#and Flor was a bit of a self insert. she was a sona. in a way. and now Yume will be one too. but-#fucking. don't fucking talk to me. i need to work on his draft
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