#i hate it. i hate feeling lonely. what the fuck. give me fucking validation. give me attention. give me love.

[tarpitbell]

11:23

I'm a damn leech. That's all I am

[angellesword]

BAGGAGE | JJK (10)

Summary: Drowning in debt and blood, Jeon Jungkook knows he's better off alone, lest he brings people down with him.

But one drunken night changes everything.

In a blink of an eye, Jungkook found himself drowning not only in debt and blood, but also in dirty diapers and judgmental stares from you, a.k.a his long-lost love and the guardian of the son he didn't even know existed.

Genre and warnings: best friends to lovers, co-parenting, idiots in love, slow burn—really slow burn mutual pining, angst, fluff, implied smut, kissing, minor character death, slight getting back together, cursing, blood, stabbing, loan sharks, OC cusses excessively so watch out.

Pairing: dad! Jungkook x adoptive mom!Reader

Word Count: 5.6k

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Baggage Chapter List

*****

Present, 2023:

Your tensed shoulders indicated you were still angry after leaving Jungkook's apartment. You knew it would be unwise to meet Jang Min, especially Soobin, in this condition, so you decided to cool down by walking in a park.

According to Yoongi, your therapist, misplaced anger was something you were prone to doing. It was probably triggered when Jisoo encouraged you to vent your hurt to her after what the people in the club had done to you.

Your Jisoo-unnie was less threatening. You could hurt her, but she wouldn't budge. In fact, she'd tell you to hurt her more—this horrifying realization baffled Yoongi, though he had to remain calm, mainly because you seemed to be having a panic attack.

You will never forget that day. It was your third appointment with Dr. Yoongi. Verlaine accompanied you, but he stayed in the other room of the clinic as each session was exclusive for the doctor and patient only. Besides, Verlaine had to look after your nephew.

Soobin was a few months old at this time. It hadn't been long since his mother passed. You were mourning, but your quiet resentment was gnawing at you. You hated that you were grieving your traitor of a sister.

Yoongi tiptoed at first, validating your fury. Unfortunately, you were distraught. You were blind and deaf by any information that did not benefit you.

"She told me they were lonely." You reiterated to your therapist Jisoo's reason; the veins in your neck throbbed painfully. "She might as well just stabbed me in the fucking heart. How could she say that? How could they be so cruel to me!?"

Yoongi sighed softly and stopped writing bullshit in his notebook. Ideals were what the therapist said he liked to write. He would give these 'ideals' to his patients so they could follow them. You thought it was bullshit, mainly because you felt like Yoongi was not on your side.

"You'll be surprised at how lonely people deal with things. Sometimes, they hurt people close to them."

"But why!" You kicked the chair. You were tired of asking these questions—none of them gave you the answer you needed. "Why would they hurt me? What did I ever do to them!?"

"Nothing." Yoongi looked at you, breathing in and out until he coaxed you to do the same. Your chest tightened as you inhaled. "You're not at fault here, but this isn't about you either. It's about them. Decisions are not always made to be justifiable or morally correct. Sometimes, they are simply made. It's a hard pill to swallow, but their choices are for what they want and feel— not for you."

Jisoo and Jungkook didn't have it in them to think about you in their most desperate and vulnerable moment. Lonely people just wanted to escape, and sometimes, they chose the easiest way because their hardening hearts and noisy minds were already challenging to deal with. The night of their betrayal was the easiest time to relieve their pain because Jisoo and Jungkook understood each other. What did you even know about fucked up decisions and sickness when all your life, you had been sailing the smoothest path?

"It's not fair, I agree with you. However, you cannot get better if you're constantly pinning the blame on them. They hurt you; it was their choice. Now, it's up to you if you want to heal or live in misery. But you can reclaim your power. You can decide for yourself—the decision they cannot and did not do for you."

But you shook your head, ears tightly shut.

"I don't care what you say. It's not an excuse to hurt me. Fuck them—and fuck you for defending them and putting the burden on me!" You wanted to slam Yoongi against the wall.

The wall—

Your eyes were wide. On the other side of the wall was Soobin.

"The kid..." You thought, voice grave. "He shouldn't be alive! He's proof of their betrayal to me! My sister chose him instead of chemotherapy! She wanted to die to relieve herself from the guilt of hurting me!"

You stood up, turning to face the door. Yoongi was alarmed. He seized your wrist.

"Where are you going?"

Soobin. Your eyes seemed to say. The kid was an extension of those who had hurt you--

"You're not planning to hurt your nephew, are you?"

You gasped, knees turning weak. You turned your head to look at your therapist, horror painting your face.

"No." You denied it, panicked. "No. No. Please, don't. I didn't mean to."

Yoongi read your mind. He knew your dark thoughts. No.

"Please, Doc. You have to believe me...” You hiccupped. “I...I wasn't thinking straight. I'm not actually going to hurt him. Please. I love Soobin. I am just lonely."

Lonely.

You felt like you were hit by a fast-moving track, dragging your bloody body until your heart stopped.

No. This wasn't how you were supposed to understand Yoongi's point. It was too cruel. 

'It's not about you.' Yoongi's words echoed in your mind. You felt as if someone put a pillow on your face, asphyxiating you.

"Hey, are you okay? Are you--!!" The therapist exclaimed, but you had no idea what happened next. You passed out because of stress. When you woke up, you were already back in your apartment. Verlaine remained by your side, waiting for you to return to your senses.

The first thing you did when you woke up was look for Soobin. You were hysterical, thinking that Yoongi diagnosed you as an insane person and, hence, not fit to care for Soobin. Your therapist had ideals, but he wasn’t mean. Verlaine told you that he and Yoongi made a deal.

"You have to get better and see your therapist regularly. You're too stressed. You can't take care of Soobin in this condition. I'll just stay with you for a while. Is that all right?"

You nodded vigorously. You didn't care what the conditions were. You only wanted Soobin to stay with you, so for years, you diligently took care of your mental health until you were deemed fit to be Soobin's guardian.

You thought you needed time alone before you saw Soobin today. You were afraid you’d had the thought of hurting your neph—son just like before. Jungkook brought out the worst in you, and confronting him today messed up your mind.

You stayed in the park for an hour before returning to your apartment. You flagged down a cab, calling Lee Sung on your way so he could bring Soobin back to your home. You couldn't stay with Jang Min forever. You know your boyfriend was a busy man, too.

Naturally, Soobin and Lee Sung reached your apartment first since Jang Min's home was only a few blocks away from yours. Soobin was already sleeping when you arrived.

"Sleeping again?" Your forehead creased, a frown etched on your lips. However, Lee Sung simply shrugged.

"I told you already. Your son loves boss a lot. He ran around while you were..." Lee Sung paused and eyed you from head to toe. There's a sly smirk on his face. "Out."

You disliked how Lee Sung looked at you but didn't comment. As Jang Min told him everything, Lee Sung probably knew where you went; he was Jang Min’s right hand, after all. In your defense, though, you didn't do anything wrong. Jungkook only pissed you off.

"Then you can go now." You ended the conversation at once. You were almost pushing Lee Sung out of the door. "I'll contact you if I need you. Please look after Jang Min-ssi for a while."

Jang Min had a business trip abroad. You wouldn't see him for weeks or months. You didn't mind, as you and Jang Min had been long-distance for the majority of your relationship. Jang Min frequented in Russia more.

You thought your life was okay as long as Soobin was by your side. Thankfully, Lee Sung didn't disgrace your home by staying too long.

It was still a bit early, yet your energy had been sucked up fully. You picked up Soobin, gently moving his tiny body into your room so you could sleep beside him.

Your son wasn't at risk of bed-sharing with you anymore. You used to be driven by paranoia; you took caring for Soobin seriously, and any danger for a child scared you senseless. It took you long before you started feeding your son solid food for fear of choking. Soobin was well-behaved, though. He listened to your advice to chew his food properly and slowly. (Save for when you had crab spring rolls because Soobin would inhale that food in seconds.)

Like father, like son.

You looked at Soobin's sleeping form. Your heart throbbed painfully in your chest. I love you like my own. Tears welled up in your eyes as you embraced your kid. Don't betray me like your parents did.

*** Jungkook was left in his shit hole of an apartment alone. The loud slam of the door rang in his ears, vibrating straight in his heart. Your retreating figure reminded him of what he couldn't have.

Jungkook mumbled your name pitifully. He knew. He knew he had long lost the right to cling to you. Gone were the days he could claim you with a choker and playfully call you mine.

Jungkook called your name again. His voice held a tremor as he desperately reached out his hand toward the door.

Jungkook felt tears trickling down his cheeks, ignoring his long streak of holding it together. His life had been so fucked up that he didn't dare wish for someone like you to stay with him.

But Jungkook can't. His heart felt as if there was a gaping hole that only you could fill.

“No…” Jungkook couldn't take it anymore. Despite his aching wound, he barged out of his home, running after you.

It didn't matter if you decided to fill the hole in Jungkook's heart with rough sand or a cold mix of asphalt. He wouldn't dare whine at your rough insult or stone-cold face—he would accept anything, but not you leaving.

Your encounter today was like a huge slap in Jungkook's face—how he made everything worse for you. It was a sudden realization. Jungkook wasn't even sure if he would think the same later, but one thing was for sure: Jungkook wanted to catch up to you now.

He did.

Jungkook watched you walk aimlessly at the park. It took you an hour—or maybe more—before you hailed a cab. Jungkook didn't mind, realizing how much he craved looking at you—even from afar.

Afar.

You got inside the cab, which, in just a few seconds, was already far from where Jungkook was.

Jungkook panicked, hand digging into his pants pocket to see if he had money left.

He did not.

Of course, he didn't have anything with him.

Jungkook mumbled your name again. The desperation colored his face once more. He ignored his wounds for the nth time, choosing to chase the cab instead. Unfortunately, Jungkook's speed was no match for a vehicle or a normal human being. But he didn't stop. He ran like a lunatic as his eyes darted on street signs.

"Imperial Gardens," Jungkook murmured as he picked up the speed. "26006..."

Jungkook shook his head violently, feeling the cold air hit his face. No. He memorized your address wrong.

"2200..." He recalled and smacked his head—as if doing so would make him remember.

"R-Royal Heights. Incheon...Ugh." Jungkook's body was still weak. His steps halted to check if his wounds were bleeding. Thankfully, they weren't. It gave Jungkook the dumb idea to continue running, praying to Gods he didn't believe in to make him remember your address right.

The Gods had been terrible to him before, but not this time. It took him a while, but he successfully reached your apartment. It had your surname on a signage plastered on your front door. The place was probably twenty times bigger than Jungkook's rented room, making his hand shake. The confidence he mustered earlier faded in the face of your big home.

She was doing so well. Jungkook licked his lips. What if I just ruin her?

The other part of his brain frowned at him, 'If she's doing well, then why would she come to you?'

For a while, two sides of Jungkook's brain argued. He didn't know where to listen. All he knew was his eyes were heavy and his wounds, despite not bleeding, hurt.

Jungkook blinked. Sweat cascaded his forehead down to his neck. It was hot, and he felt like throwing up.

He gently flopped down the ground, leaning against your massive front door.

It's okay. He told himself despite his clenching heart. It's not okay. He's afraid. He was so scared you would open the door and realize you didn't want him in your life anymore.

It's okay. Jungkook told himself, and the door opened just like in his imagination.

Jungkook heard a gasp, followed by a hand gripping his shoulder.

"Jungkook? What are you doing here? What the fuck—"

It was clearly your voice, but Jungkook was so out of it. He was awake, but he couldn't focus on anything other than his body pain.

"You're sweating." You helped him get to his feet. "What are you—" Then you snickered when you realized what had happened. "You—!! Did you run here!?"

You told me to go to you. Jungkook thought, but he only bit his quivering lip. You gave me a chance.

"Fuck. I don't know what I'm going to do with you!" You cursed, yet you anchored Jungkook's hand into your shoulder, gently guiding him inside your massive home.

You helped Jungkook sit on the couch. Jungkook groaned, eyes clamping shut. He was in too much pain. His wounds had been aggravated. Again.

You shook your head in disappointment as you fished your phone out of your pocket to call for help.

"Hold it." You said before carding your fingers through Jungkook's sweaty hair. "Help will be here in a while—Jungkook? Are you listening?"

Jungkook could only answer with a nod. You let out a breath. This is enough. At least he didn't pass out because of pain.

You were able to book an emergency appointment with a home doctor. He lived around the area, so it didn't take him long to arrive. He examined Jungkook, and contrary to what the nurses said, the doctor said it was okay to stay home as long as the patient didn't strain himself and followed a strict diet schedule.

The doctor cleaned Jungkook's wound and prescribed him medicine (which you immediately had someone deliver.) As usual, you took care of everything while Jungkook slept. He was barely making it while the doctor talked to him.

Doctor Ace had to turn to you instead. "You've listed what should and shouldn't be done with him, right? I trust you can follow it. I'll be back tomorrow to check up on him. For now, just let him rest."

"Thank you, Doc." You listened to some more of the doctor's advice before escorting him out of your home. Afterward, you returned to the living room to look at Jungkook resentfully.

You wanted to hit him, but in the end, you simply sighed and let Jungkook off.

Shitty bastard.

****

Jungkook felt like he was stuck in a nightmare. He felt his whole body ache after exhausting himself to get to you.

It seemed like Jungkook always had to run. Because if he didn't, those people would catch up to him—insistent on making him miserable by first dragging his body to the ground.

"Don't make trouble." Someone would press his face to the floor until he couldn't breathe properly, and then he'd feel that person grabbing his hand, his fingertips caressing Jungkook's wrist. "It'll hurt more if you resist."

It hurt at first— but soon, it only tickled. Jungkook thought the troubling memories would fade over time, yet they still haunt him while he was asleep. The nightmare persisted, making it hard for him to breathe.

The ticklish feeling from before could be felt even now. Jungkook struggled. He shook his head and forced himself to wake up.

It's a nightmare. He reminded himself. The feeling of someone grabbing his wrist and forcing him into something happened years before. It might haunt him in his sleep, but it couldn't—wouldn't hurt him if he woke up.

So he did.

"Nggh—!!" Jungkook jolted awake. The ticklish feeling was gone, yet he felt his body hurt. He blinked and looked at his wound, realizing that his stomach was covered in a bandage.

Right. He had been stabbed.

Jungkook rapidly became aware of his surroundings. He stupidly chased after you and made his barely healed wound worse.

Now he was—

Jungkook looked around.

—He was at your house.

Jungkook bit his lower lip, hands clammy. He was safe. He was at your house. Lee Sung didn't know this place. Those men in his nightmare couldn't reach him here.

It was going to be okay. Jungkook tried to convince himself. Sadly, his hands wouldn't stop shaking.

He grabbed his wrist, trying to steady it, when he felt a wet feeling in his hand.

Jungkook looked at the back of his palm. His eyes shrunk as he studied his hand. Through his peripheral vision, he saw a small figure sitting on the floor beside the couch where he sat.

Jungkook finally focused his gaze on that small figure.

Soobin.

Considering that he was in your house, it shouldn't come as a surprise. Nonetheless, Jungkook still felt as if the air had been robbed from his lungs the second he laid his eyes on the kid.

Soobin was sitting obediently on the floor while holding a paintbrush—this explained the wetness in Jungkook's hand and the ticklish feeling he thought was induced by his nightmare.

As it turned out, Soobin was painting something on the back of Jungkook's hand.

"Heart!" Soobin suddenly spoke and gently grasped Jungkook's hand to point at his painting there.

Jungkook's mouth parted slightly, heart skipping a beat when he felt Soobin's soft hand grazing his skin. Yeah. This is different from the touch of those men before.

Soobin was a harmless child who liked showing off his heart painting, which looked like a simple red-colored circle.

"D'ya like it?" The child asked innocently; his touch remained gentle as he remembered your reminder. You told Soobin not to bother Jungkook and just keep him company.

Usually, you would not impose such a task on a small child, especially on Soobin. However, Jungkook kept his hold on you even when he was asleep. He kept murmuring, ‘Do not leave me,’ so you had no choice but to turn to your son.

You had to cook dinner on the other side of the room while Jungkook slept, and Soobin silently held his hand and painted hearts on it.

There were two hearts. They were horribly painted, but Jungkook smiled—a genuine smile he hadn't made in years.

"Of course, I like it." His large hand moved to ruffle Soobin's hair. They were soft, partly because he was a kid, and the other reason was because you took good care of your son.

"Am happy!" Soobin giggled and attempted to paint another heart on his father's hand. Meanwhile, Jungkook fell into a stupor, his heart faintly aching from the memory that flooded his brain.

Back then, Jungkook excitedly ran toward your apartment. He knocked like usual, excitement whirling at the pit of his stomach as he waited for you to open the door.

You just swung the door open when Jungkook came near you. You two were chest to chest.

"Hey, look! I got these today!" Little Jungkook basically shoved the watercolor and paintbrush into your chest. "They're so cool!"

Your eyes glistened in awe. At this time, you weren't used to speaking to Jungkook yet. You simply allowed Jungkook to pester you. Luckily, you didn't have to force words out of your mouth. Jungkook willingly let you use the paint first.

You were shaking in anticipation, yet you painted a perfect heart shape on your wrist.

"Me too. Let me paint!" Jungkook gently grabbed the brush from your hand, though he didn't let go of your hand. He used it as a canvas and painted a heart on the back of your palm.

"Big," you observed softly, eyes narrowing to see the shape. It didn't look like a heart, just an ugly, drawn red circle.

But Jungkook was overly proud of his painting.

"It is big.” The brunet grinned. “I made it for you. It’s bigger than your heart because it’s my heart. I love you!”

Innocence always suited children. Jungkook was once a child who was never afraid to voice his feelings for you. He liked you. He told you he loved you on the first day you two met. Jungkook used to be simple-minded. He’d promised to hang out with you because he loved you.

But you weren’t children anymore. Heck. Jungkook had a child of his own now. He blinked back to reality to stare at Soobin. The kid was still busy painting hearts; his lips were puckered while his brows furrowed.

It’s my child. Jungkook thought, trying not to have a panic attack. He had heard worse news. This was just a child…

Just a child…

Jungkook’s heart violently trembled.

He had a child.

“You—” Soobin’s arched brows were higher. He let go of the brush upon noticing Jungkook’s weird expression. He was a perceptive child. “Not like Soobin's heart?”

Jungkook’s breathing was ragged, throat and mouth dry. But he knew he had to force himself to look okay. Honestly, he should give himself some credit for being able to pull himself together despite the shocking news that he unwillingly got to know of.

“I like it,” Jungkook smiled. It wasn’t as genuine as the first one. He scratched his throat before patting Soobin’s head. “Where’s your Ma?”

“Oh!” Soobin’s eyes were comically wide. They shone bright at the mention of his mother. Soobin had forgotten all about painting. “Mama!”

The little kid ran. Jungkook was shocked, but he immediately recovered and followed Soobin. He didn’t run, though. He really should stop abusing his body. Soobin didn’t run far. He just went to the kitchen where you cooked.

The food aroma wafted through the room. Jungkook’s stomach grumbled; he focused on the smell before he realized you were looking at him with a creased forehead. You held a spoon in your right hand; your other hand supported Soobin’s weight. Soobin wrapped his arms around your neck, having no intention to let go.

“You’re awake.” You broke the silence, eyeing Jungkook from head to toe. The bastard looked fine. “Did Soobin wake you up?”

“No.” Jungkook shook his head, not sure how to continue the conversation.

“Okay. Sit.” You gestured toward the chair. “I’m almost done. Dinner will be ready soon.” There was a high chair beside the spot Jungkook chose to sit on. It was for Soobin, so you carefully settled your son there.

Jungkook watched the mother-son duo quietly. He was clueless as to how to approach this whole ordeal. He allowed himself to be impulsive, running after you just cause he was scared to see you retreating.

Now, though, he didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like his circumstances had changed. Jungkook’s life was still utterly fucked.

“Have some of these first.” You came near the two boys to offer them some pudding. You were surprised when Soobin and Jungkook both reached for the strawberry-flavored one.

Time seemed to stop. Soobin and Jungkook looked at each other, seeing who’d let go first. Jungkook’s grip on the pudding tightened, making Soobin gasp.

“You two...” You were lost for words.

Jungkook’s instinct told him to grab the pudding tighter, but for once, logic sided with him. He instantly let go of the strawberry pudding when he realized he was competing with a child.

His child.

“Here you go, little one.” Jungkook smiled. He then turned to you; his face was unreadable when he wordlessly accepted the coconut-flavored pudding from your hand.

It made you sigh loudly. Damn Jungkook and Soobin for basically being the same person. They really were…

“Soobin ate all the strawberry-flavored ones. That’s the last one.” You explained, “Make do with that for now. I’ll buy more strawberry flavors next time.”

Next time. Jungkook’s heart swelled. There is a next time. You…You weren’t planning on kicking him out.

“T-Thanks.” Jungkook mumbled, voice barely above a whisper, yet you heard it loud and clear.

“Right.” You went back to preparing dinner. You made a crab soup and added purred vegetables to it. It was a simple meal that Doctor Ace approved. It was good for Soobin, too. Your son liked it so much that he asked for another bowl.

“Crab addict.” You clicked your tongue. Jungkook’s eyes flicked to you, thinking you were referring to him.

“It’s good.” Jungkook ladled another bowl for himself. “I haven’t had this in a long time.” He let himself slip off.

You stopped drinking your soup. You stared seriously at Jungkook. “Why not? Too busy to buy? Or to make one?” You hadn’t seen each other in years. You didn’t know if this bastard learned how to cook.

“No.” Jungkook blew on his soup, still high from the addicting taste that he forgot to lie. “I just couldn’t afford it.”

You weren’t surprised, considering the state of Jungkook’s home. But you couldn’t help your curiosity. You took advantage of Jungkook’s relaxed aura. “Why not? Aren’t you a billionaire? Where’d all your money go?”

“I lost in on—”

You swore you were close to finding out the truth. It was easy to bait Jungkook with food, specifically crab food. But Jungkook wasn’t the naïve boy he used to be. He couldn’t—wouldn’t give in.

The silence was deafening. Jungkook stopped drinking his soup, too.

Your mood soured, but you should have seen it coming. Jungkook would never trust you. How much more pain did you have to go through to realize that?

Jungkook called your name when he noticed your mood plummeted. You wouldn’t look at him anymore.

“Forget it.” You stood up, bringing your bowl with you. You poured its contents into the sink. You took your time washing that one piece of bowl and spoon. Thankfully, Soobin announced he was done with his soup, too.

Jungkook stood up and grabbed Soobin’s bowl before you could reach it. Your hands brushed. You pulled at once, though, not liking the electricity that pricked your skin just by simple skin contact with your former best friend.

Damn it.

“I’ll wash the dishes.”

You didn’t respond. You only carried your son in your arms. You started walking away. There were approximately fifty steps before one could exit the kitchen. You were twenty steps away from Jungkook when you paused.

“Your room is on the first floor. White door. Mine’s the one beside that, black door.” You didn’t look back. “You’re welcome to stay whenever. If you need something, just knock on my door--”

You suddenly stopped talking. Soobin yawned; he kissed your cheek before rubbing his head on your chest.

Your lip caught between your teeth. You exhaled, “—I will answer when you call.”

After that, you walked away. You didn’t have any helpers at home. If you needed anything, you just hired an hourly maid, and if Lee Sung was here, all mundane tasks fell on him. You didn’t like calling him, though. You preferred handling things independently, especially if the matter was about Soobin.

Soobin wasn’t difficult to deal with. You didn’t take long to clean him up and settle him to bed. Soobin liked bedtime stories, so you made up one. It was pretty short, though, as your mood was foul after dealing with Jungkook.

“I love you, mon bébé. Goodnight.”

Soobin’s response was a hum, relishing your soft kiss on his forehead. You watched Soobin sleep for a while before retreating to your room. Your mood did get a little better after a long shower. Honestly, you were confused and still afraid of what happened and what would happen next. Jungkook just showed up at your house, and while you shouldn’t have been surprised (you were the one who gave your address to him), you still were. But that’s the thing about Jungkook. He had always been unpredictable. You wouldn’t even blink if Jungkook left now. It was in his nature to run away, and you were the only one who insisted on things happening.

To talk was what you wanted to do, but Jungkook was evasive. Even if he wasn’t, the situation never seemed to be on your side. There was always an accident whenever you tried to face each other.

You didn’t know how long you could hold on any longer. You sighed and opened the door of your bedside drawer, picking up a framed picture of your departed sister there.

Should I just go back to France? Your hold on the frame was firm. I kept my promise. I told him about Soobin. What else can I do if he doesn’t want—

You couldn’t finish your train of thought. It hurt to think about what Jungkook thought about you and Soobin because after all this time, you still—

Your thoughts were once again interrupted. This time, by a knock on your door. You looked at the baby monitor. Soobin was sleeping soundly in the other room, so…

You swallowed thickly. The person outside your room could only be Jungkook. Your heart skipped a beat; you felt like floating when you opened the door for your former best friend.

As expected, Jungkook was there, hovering awkwardly at the door. His head snapped up to meet your gaze.

“Hi.” It's a classic greeting. You already knew this conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Talking never went well for the both of you.

“What do you want?” Your tone was more tired than biting. The rollercoaster emotion earlier got to you. You wanted to sleep now or maybe talk to your Jisoo-unnie, see if she stopped being a pain in the ass, and her burning spirit in hell would show up and tell you it’s okay to go back to France.

“I want to thank you for dinner and letting me stay here…”

You noticed Jungkook fidgeting. This was new. Jungkook was always teasing you. Now he just looked…embarrassed? And he wasn’t making a move to escape. Was this a miracle?

You didn’t dare rejoice early. The situation was still unpredictable. You needed to wait first.

“Is that all?” So you remained calm. You folded your arms across your chest.

“Yeah.” Jungkook nodded, seemingly unsatisfied. He paused before saying, “Good night.”

“Goodnight.” You were halfway through closing the door when Jungkook held the door, stopping you.

"What.”

Jungkook’s lips were pursed into a thin line. You waited for a while. However, you never claimed to be a patient person. You were going to slam the door now. Damn Jungkook and his stupid face.

“One question.”

“What?” You were more confused now. What was this shitty bastard up to!? Did he have a question? If so, why couldn’t he just go straight to the point?

“I don’t want to lie anymore…” Jungkook cleared his throat. He looked you in the eyes. “But I can’t promise to answer all your questions at once. I…”

There was ringing in your ears—as if you couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

" I will try my best to answer one of your questions each day.”

It was your turn to be quiet. You didn’t know what to say. Earlier, you were surprised that Jungkook followed you here, fidgeted around you, and stayed the night willingly. Was there a miracle? Was this a fucking joke? Or were you dreaming?

Jungkook called your name tentatively.

You pinched yourself. Aw. You thought. It was real—this was real.

“Is that okay for you?”

There was a slight buffer in your head, and then you realized Jungkook was enquiring about his proposal—how he was willing to answer your question every day.

It felt too good to be true, but you found yourself agreeing.

“It’s okay.” You sucked in a deep breath. “I’d like that.”

Good. Jungkook thought, but he didn’t say it out loud. He only smiled—a second genuine smile for this day. It felt odd, but not in a bad way. He liked smiling for you and Soobin, he realized.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” You mimicked Jungkook.

You looked at each other for a while. No words were exchanged.

The silence lasted for a few minutes.

“I should go to bed.” As usual, it was you who broke it.

“Me too,” Jungkook said, but he made no effort to move. “Good night.”

“Good night,” you said, not moving either. You were looking at each other; no one dared to break eye contact.

“Good night,” Jungkook said again, voice much softer this time.

You couldn’t take it anymore. “Good night.” You said at last before slowly shutting the door.

Jungkook made no effort to stop you. He let you close the door; your calm eyes were the last thing he saw.

Jungkook let out a breath. Good night, he said, yet it took him an hour to stand in front of your door before retreating to his temporary room.

Good night, indeed.

****

A/N: Will Jungkook stop being an ass? We'll see...we'll see.

What do we think about this chapter? I'm pretty sure there are some typos here, but iamdeadandtired!!! i would probably die if i try to edit this chapter tonight (maybe tomorrow, but gosh i am so busy with work.) i try to update weekly, but :((( next week will be much more hectic for me. work sucks but we live in a capitalistic world...sighs.

As usual, if you have more tag suggestions, do not hesitate to reach out to me. Thanks ~~

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Baggage Chapter List

[themoodyestj]

Hello, my beloved.

today i bring you a list of stuff you can try to not be so bitter and miserable all the time.

1. breath slowly, in and out, relax.

2. take a nap

3. eat a cookie

4. listen to some music

5. touch some grass

6. get laid ( if no one wants you, hands and a picture of Dee are valid too!)

7. hug your pet ( or a cactus if you don't have a pet)

8. practice acceptance (Dee is the Queen and you're never going to be her and Jensen is never going to fuck you)

9. find someone you actually like and admire, and fan over that person (not some guy you think is a mediocre actor and a pushover who can't stand for himself and needs idiots from the internet to defend him from his wife)

10. remember that i love you, and this is not hate, just constructive criticism because i want you to be better.

❤️ your secret admirer

Awww, my secret admirer again. :D Does that mean I'm getting flowers everyday now? So happy to see you, honey. Thanks for all the advice, I take them to heart. Although, sadly, I have to say I'm not as bitter or as miserable as you may want me to be. I do have a family, two cats and a dog, and a career. I do get laid quite often and im a fierce advocate of lone intimacy. Super healthy, I do it all. But also, I have an opinion. One that ruffles many many feathers, but in case you didnt notice, I don't quite care. But hey, if it feeds your delusion that all people who disagree with you are sad and lonely, by all means, stick to it. We dont want you having a psychotic breakdown, do we? Lets try to avoid that at all costs. I gotta say, number 8 sent me. We don't all have the same aspirations in life. Perhaps you'd like to sleep with Jensen (cause honey, the projection is strong here) and you use Dee as a heavy self insert, but I honestly dont want to. It is perfectly ok to like someone (and at the same time critique someone) and not want to sleep with them. I know, mindblowing, right? Such a complex concept, Im sure you find it hard to grasp. But just because its hard for you to understand, it doesnt make it less real. I bet a lot is really hard for you to understand, so...

Danneel being a queen? Of what exactly? Honey, I don't want to be her, I wanna be me. Should i aspire to be someone, it would be a woman who in fact has a flourishing career, and not someone whose assets are basically marrying someone. I'd aspire to be someone with talent, inteligence, gumption. Not someone who still rides on the small parts she played in the past because she knows there isnt much really going on for her. Someone who overpriced her pictures at Wales Con expecting to have a great reception only to find a very small line for her and feeling desperate enough to take pics with her kids insteadto feel relevant. You know, Id actually be less critic of her if she was more honest about herself. If she wasnt so fast to take jabs at her own husband when she herself has very little to offer. But hey, if thats your Queen... By all means. She definitely isnt mine. I dont think Jensen is mediocre. I think he let himself go a little. I think he was happier in SPN days and I miss that light, to be honest. Maybe ill see him improve in his next projects and ill be the first to applaud him for that (and ill post about it too, so stay tuned). As of lately... Ive seen a man who plans a concert with no AC, struggling to sing, I see a man who's tense next to his wife, I see a man who seems to be self medicating to cope and that worries me. I do hope he improves, I wish him no harm. But of course this doesnt help your delulu, so i know your brain will totally ommit what i just wrote. Ok, this is all the attention youre getting now. Im starting to think you do actually love me, cause this was fun! You delulus never fail in giving me a good hearted laugh! See you soon, secret admirer!

[burningbiscuits]

"I Don't Want Your Cruel Melody"

Valentino x Reader

TW: The premise revolves around unrequited love within a toxic relationship that is only based on material needs and exploitation of the reader. It focuses on mental abuse, toxic relationships, self-worth, insecurities, and manipulation. Yet, tragically explores what can happen when one falls in love with their abuser (Valentino in this case-). It also explores the consequences of falling in love with someone you know is horrible for you and how painful it can be both mentally and physically. Moreover, it depicts the feeling of being unable to let go of Valentino despite his constant exploitation, which in turn, keeps the reader chained within the relationship.(+There are a few "feminine" slurs and the term "conejita", but other than that it is all GN. )

．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．.

When?

How?

Why?

What made you so woefully pathetic?

So hopelessly devoted to a sinner so cruel?

How could you love a man so vile, the one who sullied you?

You did not know

Feelings that should've never seeped through your heart,

coming out as if admitting you'd lost,

Lost your senses and logic,

Your vision clouded by what you wish were merely smoke,

The puffs of pretty pink smoke

His cruel words drove you into a frenzy,

a sort of self-hatred taking over you as you sought his validation,

His looks of disdain seemingly smug towards you,

Yet the humiliation you felt was less,

Far less compared to the heart-wrenching pain,

Unrequited love

Yet,

How could one be so painstakingly desperate for him?

So pathetically lonely when his looming presence wasn't near,

How could one feel such pure puppy-love for someone like him?

For someone who could only exploit

Why did you love him so deeply?

Why did you worship a man who could only sin?

Why did you place him on a pedestal so high,

Why?

When all he did was ruin you

For a man who belonged to no one,

For a man who belonged to everyone,

For a man who could only take,

For a man who could never give

Why, just why did it have to be him?

Maybe it was the puffs of smoke escaping his lips,

Maybe it was the way he spoke with sugar-coated disdain,

Maybe it was the flair within him

Or

Maybe it was the need to be sought after,

One, only he could quench,

Albeit temporarily

Whatever it was,

You didn't care,

For what was done was done

But one thing was clear despite how fickle he was,

He would not let you go,

He was getting even more out of you,

You were stuck in his cruel melody

"Let me go, let me go Valentino You're not getting anymore out of me I don't want your cruel melody..."

Yet he won't,

No, he would never let you go,

He'll only learn to take more,

out of you,

you're just a note within his melody

He'll only break, ruin, and forsake you,

Something that even you knew,

But pitifully,

You fell in love with his cruel melody

Footsteps, his dreaded footsteps

"I should have known not to trust Valentino"

"Conejita~"

"I should have known not to trust Valentino"

"I promise it won't hurt"

"I should have known not to trust Valentino"

"Whore"

"I should have known not to trust Valentino"

"Stop being so loud, or else I'll give ya something real to bitch and moan bout"

"I should have known not to trust Valentino"

"Fucking slut"

"I should have known not to trust Valentino"

"Leave"

"I should have known not to trust Valentino"

"Amorcito, you missed me? How cute~"

"I should have known not to trust Valentino"

"Hate? You don't have the fucking right to hate me, not when I fucking own you"

"I don't want your cruel melody..."

．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．.

Note 1: I do not condemn or support any behavior depicted within this text. If you or anyone you know is suffering from similar events to one in this text, please seek help immediately.

Note 2: This isn't a fanfic (but can be if people like this idea-) but more of a "poem" inspired from the song "Valentino" by MNEK and Years & Years. It isn't a traditional poem and is sort of a story (I tried writing a modern sonnet with more serious themes but I'm not sure if that worked out-). I wanted to write a dark story (maybe with Yandere themes) so I came up with this, not exactly "yandere" but there are quite a lot of dark themes.

Please do not copy my work or take inspiration without crediting me. If there are any similar requests or if anyone wishes for a continuation please support this fic and feel free to request something. I have been quite busy lately due to my own mental health and workload but I am trying. Thank you all for your patience.

P.S: Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!

[cuppa-ale]

I really wish that I was more interested in things. More invested and curious w/o someone needing to show it to me directly. Right now, I feel like it's really difficult because no matter what I do, I feel empty and lonely and it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle.

I want to be enthusiastic and into things, but I feel like I'm going to be abandoned or shrugged off and I can't shake that lonely feeling that makes me feel sick. And yet I also know that I can't be part of anything or get other people interested if I'm not interested, but I feel so sick because of the loneliness that I don't even want to try for fear of hurting myself more, and it loops all around. I don't want to think this way. Sometimes I don't, but it always comes back.

I feel like I desperately want to ask for validation and attention, yet I feel dumb because of that- yet I would never begrudge anyone else for wanting the same. I actually wish that people were more upfront like that, because it's normal to want those things, and no one can know if you don't speak up. Sometimes people just don't know or are socially awkward, speaking from experience. And I'm often left wondering and guessing about what I can or can't do, so somebody being upfront would be so, so massively helpful.

And yet I also know why I try to keep most people at arms' length too- I feel so afraid that I can't trust them to not hurt or abandon me or someone else for liking a character or a ship or whatever that they don't. And that may sound dumb as hell (because it is) but that also makes it extremely hard to find community or camaraderie in fan or hobby circles in general. There is always, always a hint of doubt in my mind and I hate it. I don't want to go through that again. God, I don't want to go through that again.

And I worry that I don't have much to offer another person bc of how sincerely exhausted and hermited I am.

I feel overworked and overwhelmed in my daily life. Even if I could get past this anxiety, I barely have time for anything outside of manual labor, housekeeping, caretaking, and yet I still feel like a disappointment and that I could be doing more if my brain wasn't so fucked up.

I am so tired. And I feel like I really don't have an escape or outlet. I feel so mediocre and selfish because I want so badly for someone to hold me and pay attention to me and help me and remind me that I'm not a lost cause piece of trash. But I'm also very aware of the fact that nobody can fix me or make my problems go away. I feel like I'm not happy no matter what and that scares me.

I feel like it also doesn't even matter what I do or don't do because no one is paying attention. That's probably really stupid too, but that's the mindset I get sometimes. I don't like thinking that way either.

I don't want to do things for the sake of attention or validation because that's not the reason why I do them, and I never ever want that to be the reason why. And yet I know that's what I crave, and it always rears its ugly head.

I believe that this is part of why I like Crayzar and Tyetaynus so much- Tyetaynus has been implied to be obsessed with Crayzar for years, hunting him down and "making him pay" for leaving him- but meanwhile, Crayzar just seems to not give a shit about his brother, and I think there's so much angst and drama and shit you can pull from that it's nuts. And so I really really want to make art that explores that bc I find Tyetaynus to be a super cathartic character and I want to express that "grief of what never came to be", "all i wanted was you", "I'm going to make you hurt like you made me hurt", and anger and all of those emotions and I hope it comes through, but I may as well talk about it here bc it actually makes me feel sane.

So I try to redirect those feelings into art and characters and stories in general, because idk what else to do with them. But it worries me bc again, it makes it so, so difficult to just be chill and relax and feel like I can indulge or be curious about something bc I have this horrible, paranoid, looming feeling at all times that something is very wrong and that the something wrong is me and that everyone thinks it. (even if that's not the case. I fully believe that I suffer from paranoid delusions bc I've been affected by them so, so bad, only to find that it's unfounded or I'm just being dumb. I just want someone to tell me unequivocally at all times that everything is okay and I'm okay, and sometimes that's all I can think about.)

All I want to do is make stuff at the end of the day. The one thing I want to do above all else is make stuff, even if I have to find the time from being overworked and exhausted and sick. Even if I have to make myself sick while doing so, that is the very 1 one thing I want to do in this world before I leave it.

I want to work on the doll commission I started work on recently. I want to continue working on my OCs and preparations for my first original comic. I want to tell their stories. I want to draw weird and mushy and complicated ship art. I want to draw my brain wife. I want to draw silly self-inserts and whatever other trivial thing I can think of. I want to make gifts for my friends.

I want to keep going and I want to keep doing that no matter what. That's all I want to do. I have no choice. I want to make stuff and I want to share it and I want to keep doing that until I die, or until I no longer can.

[sapphire-weapon]

First off i wanted to say i appreciate you always sharing your true opinion without muddying it up too much or trying to appease people. The honesty is very refreshing!

Okk anyway i keep seeing this take going around and wanted to know your thoughts on it (i have my own, but):

Leon in infinite darkness asks shen may out to dinner once and then later is looking forward to dinner with Claire. Do you see both of these incidents as platonic? The first one reads as flirting to me and the last one seems like an intentional ship tease from the writers (before uh, yknow, making the encounter end on a sour note... look, that one hug they share when leon saves her is ship tease 100% they know what theyre doing)

A lot of people seem to think he is just innocently wanting a meal and I kind of get that vibe with Claire I guess but... ... ... ANYWAY what are your thoughts. I think people are just simply afraid of whore leon

The way I look at it is that my goal first and foremost is to analyze the story text in a serious way -- and it's impossible to have a productive conversation about narrative, characterization, and use of literary tropes if I treat every single possible interpretation of the text as valid. There needs to be some uniformity to what I'm saying, or else there's no point in having the conversation.

That, and I also feel like there's no point in having this little community at all if we can't be honest with each other. Friendships aren't built on uwu. They're built on a sincere exchange of common interests and ideas.

So, I'm really grateful that we've all found each other. It's been so fucking awesome to meet so many people who are genuinely interested in a literary analysis of RE's story and want to brainstorm ideas and piece through things together as a team -- because this has never been my experience in RE fandom before, over the full 25 years that I've been here.

I love u all very much ❤

Ok, so as for your actual question --

I pretty much agree with your interpretation of what's going on there.

People really need to get the fuck over this weird, puritanical pearl-clutching they're doing and being scandalized by OG Leon being a slut canonically. OG Leon tries to fuck Hunnigan at one point, for god's sake.

Because, like. If you try to handwave away or whitewash the way that Leon is pure testosterone; he's a walking hard-on looking for a hole throws himself at people, you're erasing and overlooking a really big part of his character.

Leon is lonely and he fucking hates himself.

The way that this manifests/the way that he expresses this is different between Remake and OG, but that fact about him never goes away. Remake Leon puts up walls and self-isolates as though he's trying to protect everyone around him from the misfortune of having to know him, but OG Leon does the opposite. OG Leon is constantly giving more and more of himself away in the hopes that, eventually, there'll be nothing left.

So, there's a few different things going on there when he asks out Shen May and then Claire in ID.

With Shen May -- yes, he is actually asking her out. That is a legitimate offer for a date that he will go into with the intention of putting the moves on her and having it end in sex.

He does this not just because she's a hot girl -- though, of course he does think she's a hot girl -- he does it because he feels enough of a connection to her that, if she were to go out with him once, he could use that as a way to trick himself into thinking he's still worth other people's time -- even if for just a few hours. Again: he's really fucking lonely. No one person ever stays in his life long enough to form a meaningful relationship with him (platonic or otherwise), but if he can take a girl out to dinner -- hey, that's something, right?

And if he were to actually fuck her, he'd be able to lose himself in her wants and desires for long enough that he can forget how much he fucking hates himself. If he were to feel her hands on his body, he would actually feel wanted for a change. And if he were to make her come, he would feel needed -- and, if he were to make her come more than once, that would be even better. (Remember: Leon is "The Protector." He needs to be needed. He's probably the master of foreplay and will tease and touch and put his mouth on a partner for well over an hour before he actually fucks them.)

And, ever since being kidnapped by the CIA, the only way that Leon has ever been needed or wanted or useful in any way has been through physical means and the use of his body. That's why he defaults to sex as a coping mechanism before he gives up and just starts drinking. He might not have any value as a person, but as a physical body and an object -- well, that's a different story.

Leon objectifies himself, is what I'm saying.

With Claire, though, it's a little bit different.

Yes, it's ship bait -- but it's very mild ship bait, because the context for this one is way different.

Leon isn't being sincere with Claire when he says what he says. He knows that Claire didn't call him or meet up with him because she wants to go out with him or is looking for a booty call. He's not stupid (mostly).

Leon is being sarcastic and self-deprecating when he tells Claire that he was hoping she was going to want to get dinner with him. It's a sad joke to him, because, in his mind, the thought that Claire would be interested in him at all is actually ridiculous.

Because Claire knows him in ways that Shen May didn't. He can't charm his way into Claire's panties by pretending that he's something more than -- or that he's someone -- that he's not.

Claire doesn't need him -- Claire has never needed him, and Leon has absolutely no reason to believe she wants him, either.

What good is he to her, really, when she already knows the truth? She knows that Leon's only real use is as a weapon -- that he's not good for literally anything outside of an active bioterrorism situation. She knows that he fucks up everything he ever tries to do in his personal life. So, why would she want him? Why would she ever want him?

She doesn't. That's why she's about to disappear from his life again for maybe another six years. Maybe more. Because he's not worth being around.

At least, that's what his brain tells him.

It's a really self-defeating mindset that turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Him talking about getting dinner with Claire is a joke, and the punchline is his own opinion of himself.

[cookinguptales]

1 and 25 🖤

the character everyone gets wrong & common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

I think I can answer these together, tbh.

There are some criticisms of 4.09 I think are very valid, and others... less so. Personally, I didn't like the writing in the episode at all. I was annoyed at the wasted potential of the Marwa and Freddie storylines and just... did not think the script was there, honestly.

(I am also irritated by a lot of the backlash to the backlash, especially the people who insist that Marwa was never an important character and there's no reason to be irritated at the way she was written off.)

That said, there are some criticisms of the episode that kind of make me roll my eyes.

I usually just ignore takes I don't agree with, but one that I keep getting over and over in my inbox is that Nandor was so uniquely awful to Guillermo in 4.09 that the ship is Over, that no one should ship them anymore, that Nandor deserves to suffer before he gets the God that is Guillermo, etc. and like.

Okay, I've already written about how Nandor's characterization was actually pretty normal in 4.09. He hurt Guillermo terribly but he didn't mean to. He was selfish and oblivious but ultimately meant well and was willing to sacrifice his happiness for Guillermo's. We've seen this pattern since s1, with particular parallels in the literal first episode with the glitter portrait. I'm not actually that bothered by Nandor's behavior in the episode.

I'm not here to talk about Nandor, though, actually. I get much more annoyed by the way people talk about Guillermo. Like... I love Guillermo. He's probably my favorite character on tv. But I love how complicated and fucked up he is. I love how most of his problems are entirely of his own devising. I love that he is every bit as selfish, fucked up, and cruel as the vampires are if not more.

His smiles get to me as much as anyone and I think he's adorable! Endearing! Warm and fuzzy and sweet! But he's also a character that specifically preys on the weak in order to make his own life cushier. He specifically seeks out lonely humans and pretends to be their friend in order to feed them to his family. He makes fun of how "pathetic" they are largely to mentally separate himself from prey. I feel like he's especially scornful towards anyone who reminds him too much of himself, honestly, and he shows them particular cruelty.

He hurts humans to get in good with the vampires, but he also does it because it makes him feel powerful. It makes him feel like he's better than all the other stupid livestock he feeds to his family. It makes him feel like he deserves to be turned. When he destroys them, it's a way for him to metaphorically destroy the parts of himself he hates, too.

Guillermo! You talk mad shit about virginal nerds for a dude who plays Fortnite with your nerd-ass friend and was afraid of kissing for 30 years!

So when I get comments on my fic or whatever telling me that Guillermo is far too sweet and good and understanding for mean, evil Nandor I am just like??? On what planet???

The two of them are both disasters and they deserve each other. The living embodiment of this AITA judgment.

And being real with you, I think the fandom characterization of Guillermo as a cinnamon roll who's never done anything wrong (actual phrasing in some messages I get) is boring. Guillermo is fun because he can give as good as he gets.

Like -- I genuinely think the reason why 4.09 didn't work for so many people is that the writers forgot that Guillermo has power. At the end of the very first episode, Nandor forgets how long Guillermo has been serving him, he gives him the portrait instead of turning him, he hurts his feelings -- and the scene ends with Guillermo visibly considering exposing him to sunlight. Their relationship works only because Guillermo consents to it. He could leave at any time. He could kill Nandor at any time. He just chooses not to because he's just as fucked up as Nandor is.

But in 4.09, the bad things that happen to Guillermo largely are not because of the choices he's made. (Like lying to Freddie, which he never really seems to need to answer for.) Freddie mistreats Guillermo, Nandor mistreats Guillermo, the Freddie clone really mistreats Guillermo, and Guillermo never gets any of them back. The last shot of him is him crying, heartbroken, through no fault of his own.

I think that's what really bothered people. The weird tilt in the power differential that didn't make a lot of sense or fit with other writing decisions in the series. Guillermo is repeatedly victimized for weak laughs in that episode, and he's not given the chance to stand up for himself other than briefly yelling at Nandor and then getting victimized further. It's just... not fun to watch when it feels more like it's punching down, y'know?

I think the writers framing Guillermo as a weak and helpless victim in that episode is as boring as the cinnamon roll stuff. I need the push and pull of Guillermo's own decisions and selfishness tearing him apart. I need the weird, fucked-up power play between him and Nandor. I need Guillermo to have a fallback plan, which is that the door is always open. His stakes are always sharp.

I guess I just feel like people forget that Guillermo belongs in this horrible little family because he's horrible, too. He does not deserve better than the fucked-up thing he has with Nandor because he designed the fucked-up thing he has with Nandor. Every morning he wakes up and consents to the fucked-up thing he has with Nandor. He's addicted to the fucked-up thing he has with Nandor.

Because! Guillermo! is fucked up! too!

He's power-hungry and petty and vindictive and cruel and one of the sweetest people on tv. I love how complicated and interesting he is. How he treats people in his in-groups vs. his out-groups. How easily he can dehumanize and depersonalize his victims. How uncomfortable he feels when they are forcibly humanized without his consent. How he can simultaneously be so kind and caring and so utterly soulless.

Guillermo is victimized by the vampires because he allows them to do so, and then he takes out that frustrated powerless feeling on the people he deems weaker than him. And I love that for him.

So I guess my answer to both questions is -- yeah, I hate the way people characterize Guillermo sometimes, and I'm tired of hearing about how a nasty person like Nandor doesn't deserve a blameless, faultless victim like Guillermo. It makes them both less interesting!

[fictionaladoptionpolls]

Asa Mitaka

Age: 16?

Home: Tokyo (Chainsaw Man)

Likes: Cats, Denji, external validation

Dislikes: Devils, tripping, embarrassing herself, sex, fish, solitude, companionship, Yoru, Yoshida, Chainsaw Man, Denji, Asa

Contracts: War

Asa Mitaka was an ordinary girl, until she lost her parents in a Typhoon Devil attack. She feels personally responsible for her mother's death, since she died trying to rescue Asa (after Asa had put herself in danger to rescue a cat). To make a long story short, things keep getting worse, until she has to make a contract with Yoru (aka the War Devil) to avoid dying.

Asa's peers generally see her as a huge bummer. She's quiet, antisocial, grumpy, and accidentally murdered her class's pet devil by tripping on it. And to be fair, basically all of that is true. Asa's a quiet loner because she's afraid she'll screw up, get hurt, and be lonely again. She's used to things going wrong with her relationships, whether they're classmates or cats. And that's just one of the reasons she hates herself more than any of her classmates do.

Asa's just a little ball of self-loathing and misanthropy and depression and occasional bursts of arrogance. She is my little blorbo meow meow, I want her to find a happiness that I know she's not going to reach without volumes of suffering, and a lot of people feel the same way. For instance:

NO NOT MY THREE CHILDREN WHAT THE RUCKSKFJQJDJE GIVE THEM A FUCKING BREAK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

its so insane when all the fans collectively look at a character and say "yep. Autism." and by that I mean ALL of them. Abelist fans look and go "lol what an autist" and autistic fans look and go "I've never felt so represented in my life."

Sure, Asa’s got redeeming qualities. They mainly show up after chapter 114. You can bet your bottom dollar the worst of her is why I loved her from the moment she was introduced.

Asa is actually a very hopeful girl. It's crazy how many times she gets embarrassed, destroyed, and emotionally crushed — but still has a spark of hope, and the desire to live despite everything. It's one of her greatest traits. It makes me go thats my daughter!!!!😭😭😭😭

[borathae]

Sibi... what would you do if you had a friend you've been friends with for years and they hated on a thing you love? 😔

I mean, I would have to have more information on the situation to give you my proper advice. But in general, I would say to talk to them about your feelings. Maybe they aren't aware that their words were hurtful to you and they need you to tell them that "hey that wasn't okay, that hurt me" to see their accidental faults and never do it again.

If it was on purpose however OR they don't see their fault even after you told them how it made you feel, I would reconsider your friendship with them. People don't need to like every single thing the person likes to have a healthy realtionship with them, but it's different when they start hating on the other's interests purposefully. A person who genuinely wants the best for you, wouldn't shit on your interests (unless your interests are like fucked up stuff like killing babies or wanting to rape someone jsjsjs then it's very valid that they are calling your interests shit lmaoao) knowing that it will hurt you. That person is not your friend, trust me on that and it's better to be lonely for a while than have them in your life.

[thelordofgifs]

Sending an ask rather than using the tags, due to length!

High-Kingship really hasn’t let Fingon shine—he’s a champion! Point him at a monster, he’ll slay it; show him someone in distress, he’ll save them; tell him about hidden treasure, he’ll even make a good effort at retrieving it. But he can’t go about as freely as he had as Crown Prince, he’s got too many responsibilities! And he can’t be everywhere at once, so he has to run around putting out fires, setting aside tomorrow’s problems for the more immediate ones of today.

Then M&M: Shall we ever save each other?

You previously posted about not being sure what the themes of TFS are, and I think I have identified one: inevitability, the sense that even knowing things is not enough, like how Namo had already revealed the Doom of the Noldor to them even on the eve of their exile, and even with such foreknowledge they could not defy their fate, and in some ways how their reactions to it only turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Curufin can recognize that he’s making terrible decisions, but he can’t stop. Maglor knows the metanarrative of him and Maedhros, and he tries and tries but still can’t succeed. And on the flip side, you have also shown that it makes a difference how you face inevitability, from Celegorm’s redemption to Maglor’s desperate hope to Curufin’s ends justifying the means/sunk cost fallacy behaviour. And maybe also Maedhros’s future deliberate consideration of death, from the sneak peak into your future writing?

And to tell the truth, I actually feel as if Calaquendi developing execution as a final solution to problems actually makes sense? Like a sort of you’re beyond our ability to reintegrate into society, off to Mandos with you, let Namo sort you out?

I think that Thingol might see Fingon’s offer as a trap though, a sort of guilt by association thing, and if the Eöl incident comes out, then it’ll really look like a trap by tricking him into acknowledging the validity of the death penalty.

Firstly this made my day, thank you so much for this incredible detailed ask!!

Fingon’s characterisation was something that stumped me for a while, and even now my view on him is evolving as I write. When I introduced him into tfs it was more for what he symbolised than for how he might move the plot forward as a character in his own right: “hope beyond hope, music in the world’s endless discord, warmth unlooked-for in its frozen wastes”, which is a line as much about Maedhros’ feelings for Fingon as it is about Fingon himself. (Still one of my favourite lines in the fic, I’m very proud of it.) But the fact that Leithian takes place during Fingon’s brief reign is so fascinating to me: how did he react to it all? What was Fingon like, as a High King?

The early Quenta Silmarillion says:

"Of all the children of Finwë he is justly most renowned: for his valour was as a fire and yet as steadfast as the hills of stone; wise he was and skilled in voice and hand; truth and justice he loved and bore good will to all, both Elves and Men, hating Morgoth only; he sought not his own, neither power nor glory, and death was his reward."

Which, valid. (Also ouch.) Fingon’s great! Everyone loves Fingon! But is there scope, within this effusive praise of him, to give Fingon a slightly darker streak? I go back and forth on this – I am not trying to rewrite the silm as a modern grimdark fantasy, and the point here is not to give unambiguously heroic characters Moral Greyness. But, yknow. Fingon’s a Kinslayer. He isn’t as morally upstanding as his father. And you can’t really write honestly about him without acknowledging that.

Anyway, I tagged a post yesterday as “make Fingon fucked up 2023” and I think I was actually so right for that? By the time he’s become the High King, Fingon is amazingly lonely. All his immediate family is gone: Turgon and Aredhel vanished to Gondolin (and Aredhel is dead, though he doesn’t know that), Argon dead for centuries, and of course his father dead after suicidally challenging Morgoth to a duel.

In tfs I write Fingon as very angry about this. Why did his father leave him, after everyone else had already done the same? Why did he despair and throw his life away for nothing like that? (Fingon is always the antithesis of despair; his own death is not a futile one, he dies trying to do the right thing – and it’s only after his death that hope leaves Beleriand.) So then comes the idea that Kingship doesn’t come that naturally to Fingon – he’s a hero, a warrior prince, not a High King.

(I absolutely cannot take credit for this idea; there are many, many excellent fics that also take this tack with Fingon. I should probably make a separate post about the fics that inspired various parts of tfs at some point.)

Which isn’t to say that Fingon is a bad High King! He’s mostly sorted out Curufin’s mess quite effectively, after all. But he doesn’t enjoy any of it – he wants to be a fearless adventurer, a rescuer, a dragon-slayer, not a politician. And he has been trying, very hard, to put his duty above his personal desires: but the decision to execute Curufin is ultimately a failure to do that. (Does Curufin deserve it? Maybe. Would Fingon have made that decision if not for his anger on Maedhros’ behalf? Unlikely. Fingon is more willing than he should be to do terrible things for Maedhros’ sake. I drew the parallel with Eöl’s execution explicitly, because although I absolutely loathe and detest Eöl, I think Turgon’s decision to execute him was personal, motivated by the fact that Eöl had murdered Turgon’s sister and not some random citizen of Gondolin. Given the canonical taboo around Kinslaying, I don’t think elven realms executed people as a matter of course. Although that’s an intriguing point about how the Calaquendi might see it!)

This is already ridiculously long: putting the rest under a cut now.

M&M! My favourite tragic darling boys!! I’m so normal about them. Your points on inevitability are absolutely INCREDIBLE, you have somehow understood my fic better than I do myself so thank you so much! Although I will add that there are two vitally important characters you missed in your musings on doom: Fingon, who walked up to Angband with a bow and a song and a prayer and won back his beloved, who tells Melian that he is good at hope and tells Maglor that he is going to change the genre of story he is in (Fingon who canonically fails tragically at this and is beaten into the mire of his blood agdhsjdj); and Lúthien, who asks Maglor whether people have the power to rewrite their own dooms and asks Finrod how tight the strings of fate are after all, who rescues Beren from Sauron’s clutches and then wins the right to give up her immortality for him, whose story is titled Release from Bondage.

Anyway, I’m very glad you picked up on the line Shall we ever save each other? because what happened was I was staring at the screen going “say something cool and meaningful Maglor” and then he absolutely delivered. Maglor in tfs – well, my interpretation of Maglor generally, but I really lean into this in tfs – is absolutely defined by his failure to rescue Maedhros from Angband. It informs every single decision he makes. And so he knows that he is not good at saving Maedhros, that there is no particular reason why he should be able to pull Maedhros out of his delusion, but he tries anyway. And expends every single drop of strength he has left on it, and succeeds.

(A detail I’m proud of: the scene between them in part 15 is a deliberate mirror of the last time they met, back in part 3. There are a lot of small repeated phrases: fingers “idly combing” through hair, musings on that one particular line from the Doom of Mandos, the final significant decision to give the Silmaril away.)

But there is still so much mutual trauma in their relationship: the fact that Maglor didn’t rescue Maedhros and the fact that Maedhros went to the parley in the first place (“I dreamed you left me, or else I you”), that Maglor was injured trying to save Maedhros from Carcharoth and then Maedhros left him in Menegroth, that Maedhros has just spent several days thinking Maglor was dead and that he did actually stab him. They love each other a lot, but that isn’t necessarily enough. (It might be! Maglor successfully resisted the Oath for Maedhros’ sake, after all. But also: Maedhros couldn’t take Thingol up on his “the Silmaril or Maglor” offer.)

ok I’ve spent well over an hour on this jumbled mess of thoughts I’ll stop here. Thank you so much for this amazing thought-provoking ask! And I am always more than delighted to get tfs asks, so feel free to send more in! ❤️

[muttfangs]

I already ranted to myself about this to process my thoughts while I was milling about my apartment getting ready for work, but i'm gonna kvetch about it here too so ┑(￣Д ￣)┍ ~boy problemz~

i'm not really sure what 'aura' or 'impression' I give off to the boys these days, but like… I keep attracting men who definitely see me as a 'caretaker' or 'father' role and it's like… no, dude. I'm BARELY recovered (and oftentimes still recovering!!) from major lifelong trauma and mental illness. I CANNOT emotionally nurse you back to health. that's a job for a licensed professional, not a scruff hook up / fling. and I know I'm hot, confident, and kind, but I have boundaries. my last ex (who I briefly mentioned here in a barking post, I'm sure) was incredibly mentally / emotionally manipulative. they would lovebomb me and then make me fret and hem and haww over them because they'd text or say things to me that were super worrisome or suicidal. I know they struggle with mental health. I do too. but they would drag me down and guilt me into an emotional tar pit with them against my will multiple times a week, and it fucked me up really badly. meanwhile, the entire time I was emotionally and energetically burnt to a crisp while trying to 'save' this person I cared about. this entire time, they used me. they saw me as a cute emotional punching bag. and when I finally set my foot down and told them "no, I'm uncomfortable with a 50 year old cis man fucking you when you don't show any sexual desire for me", they immediately twisted the situation to make me out like the bad guy.

"you can't get mad at me for this when we're in an open relationship to begin with and my friends agree with me"

FUCK you. I'm justified in my anger. you don't know how emasculating and invalidating it feels TO ME when you want to get railed by some random 50 year old cis man… but you wont touch me, your trans masc partner, because you're very obviously repulsed by my anatomy. I'm not stupid, I picked up on your consistent repulsion and avoidance when I'd ask you about sex. you're a terrible liar. and why THE FUCK do you have to ask your friends for validation during a conflict that is about YOU and ME?

fuck this. FUCK YOU. bitch.

...so, this leads me into a different cis gay who I hooked up with… literally once… He seems like a normal enough guy (literally saved as 'normal david' in my phone… lol ╮（╯＿╰）╭). I don't usually vibe with normies, they're. you know. boring to me. but he's fine for a hook up! the sex was decent, at the very least it was cathartic and I got some excess horny energy expelled.

anyways. the evening after we hooked up, he drunk texted me around midnight. it wasn't anything super strange just sorta like "I'm drunk and idk why I'm up this late. Lol" which is like, you know, innocuous enough. but he drunk texted me a couple times after that and it sorta just. makes me go 'hmmmmMM' I bring this up because, one of the drunk text conversations we had was him feeling really lonely and disappointed in himself. which is like, word yeah. I understand and empathize with that. I offered for him to hang out with me and my bros sometime, and as a heads up (for allergen reasons), I let him know like. we do smoke weed when we hang out! and you can feel free to not partake, but thats absolutely something we do. … and he immediately snubbed me by condescending to me about how weed is gross, it smells bad, it's a drug, etcetc. like. ya. I know. and thats a personal preference. JUST LIKE I PREFER TO NOT DRINK BUT I WILL SOCIALLY. I let him know we can smoke on the porch so he doesn't have to smell it, and he went on a mini tangent about why he hates weed and I just.

BRO. IM TRYING TO BE KIND AND OFFER YOU QUEER COMMUNITY. why on earth!! are you patronizing to me about recreational smoke sessions right now!!

and you know. I'm trying to be kind and empathetic so I explain to him like, alright. The offer is still there if you ever want it! but simultaneously, please don't condescend to me about the fact that me and my friends smoke weed. It's unnecessary and it's your preference, just as recreationally smoking is ours. and drinking is yours.

he drunk texted me… again… last night at 1am and like.

IM SENSING A PATTERN HERE. OF MESSED UP QUEER MEN WHO WANT ME TO CARE FOR THEM AND ONLY CARE FOR THEM WITHOUT ME RECEIVING ANY SORT OF RECIPROCAL EFFORT OR CARE PUT INTO THE SITUATION. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

god fuck my life. I talked about this w/ my therapist and like… I realize this isn't my fault. because my recent ex is a fully sentient, conscious human being who chose to make these decisions to exploit me and knew. same with normal david (to a lesser extent… bc I'm cutting this off today before it festers into yet another 'one-way fatherly situationship that I do not want and is also emotionally violating / burning me'). ...but it still sucks. I did get really, severely freaked out about my ex because I fell into this pattern that I've fallen into with previous people I've dated. where I see someone with 'potential', and I empathize with their mental illness and struggles as a queer person greatly and I want to help! genuinely! … and then it just turns into them being an emotional black hole and deflecting / ignoring the tangible, real ways I can help them so they can sink further and further into themselves while I desperately try to fish them out of the void they created. I'm convinced this was part of my ex's like… 'thing'. it was validating to them for me to panic over them when they'd text me shit like 'I need to disappear' because it meant I actually gave a shit about them. I hate people who view my confidence and genuine goodwill as something they can take for granted whenever the need arises. and I hate people who view me as "yeah you're good enough for now while I finda REAL MAN to date because youre KINDA LIKE A MAN". I'm tired of people seeing me as a stepping stone to 'something better', and treating me as disposable once they've bled me dry. This has been the situation with the past…. four or so of my exes.

Fuck them. I deserve better. I'm a good person. I'm kind. I'm growing. I'm putting the work in to deconstruct and heal my traumas. and I deserve affection, understanding, communication, kindness, respect, and love.

I will not settle for any less.

[mermaidsirennikita]

what were your top 10 LEAST FAVORITE movies of 2023 (so far....)

Oh, OLIVIA. Off to your letterboxd I go!!!

But some immediate ... recent... additions:

Maestro--This is the most obnoxiously Oscar bait-y, vanity project-y movie I've seen in a long time. Like, I'm not inherently opposed to Oscar bait, I think a movie can be Oscar bait and also good. But this... I'm not super impressed by Carey or Bradley in general (I did love him with ASIB but I think he benefited from several external factors) and here??? Dry as a bone. She was better than him, but WHO WOULDN'T BE because he was giving the most try hard, bullshit performance. And cutting down Bernstein's sexuality to an OFFENSIVE and confusing degree. What even was Bernstein's relationship with Felicia? Where did that shit where she was all YOU'RE SO HATEFUL from??? I though she hated him because he was fucking around their entire marriage (even though the script implied she was... down? At one point?) and suddenly she's all YOU'RE HATEFUL AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE A LONELY OLD QUEEN. What??? And as someone who didn't know much about Bernstein going in beyond his sexuality, I feel like I still don't know much.

Priscilla--Similarly bad biopic anchored by a completely flat performance by a woman who's getting acclaim because she is the white girl of the week who everyone claims is so amazing and transformative because she has no distinguishing features and a flat affect everyone can project onto. Especially bad because Jacob Elordi can't maintain an accent to save his life and the movie was incapable of translating the incredible crush Priscilla would've felt underneath both his persona and his fame. I never got the sense of this guy's fame, and Elvis was INSANELY famous at his peak. I thought it was just bad, dude. And I frankly don't know why we felt the need for this liberation narrative when the sad truth is that Priscilla's entire career has been based on this idea that she's Elvis's widow (when they'd been divorced for years when he died and he was actually in a serious relationship with another woman when he died). And you know what? She has a right to that. I don't have an issue with that. I don't think she would've ever made as much money doing anything else, and he stole her childhood so go off. BUT. That does undermine a liberation narrative for me, and I can't get over it, especially because Priscilla has been so (willingly) in the press for the past couple of years.

Saltburn--Emerald Fennell cannot write a script and Emerald Fennell doesn't direct a super interesting movie, aside from some interesting (if not super original) visuals. I've already gone off about this movie. Barry gave a fun performance. Jacob gave him jack shit.

Anyone But You--I don't know if I'd even be as outraged about this if people didn't hype it up, but lol. It's dumb. It feels like a mid to bad romcom from 2005, which makes it worse in 2023. Finding out that the director/writer directed Easy A back in the day was suuuuch a reveal. He redid the retelling conceit, the Natasha Bedingfield deal, and the obnoxious vibes.

After Everything--Look, I didn't expect to like this, at all lol, but I did expect some laughs because I did in fact cry laughing at a couple of the other movies. BUT. TESSAH wasn't even in this for more than five minutes. Which, bless that actress, VALID. But this was like. Bad and not even bad with unintentionally funny moments??? It was mostly about Hardon??? No.

Your Place Or Mine--Can you believe this came out this year? They created a movie... so dry... and devoid of chemistry. A great example of why chemistry is important and how Hollywood has stopped caring.

Love Again--Sam Heughan. What happened. This is another one where I'm like you could've given me something. It was kind of a Celine Dion tribute piece with Celine as fairy godmother and I love Celine. But so boring. So forgettable.

Ghosted--Hideously bad. Ana de Armas is over for me lmao. I mean, she was already, but I was gonna give her a fun little romcom. Holy shit. Bad. Horrible. I kept waiting for a fun twist. NoPE!

What's Love Got to Do With It?--Bad, racist, I HATE its depiction of arranged marriage and the white bystanders gawking at it, ew ew ew hate.

Magic Mike's Last Dance--DUDE. DUDE WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS. WHAT THE FUCK. HE DIDN'T EVEN STRIP. WHERE WAS THE STRIPPING. WHAT HAPPENED. This movie, to me, is literally the perfect encapsulation of how bad sexlessness has become in media. Can't even fucking watching a fucking Magic Mike movie without some ass. Jesus Christ. What's happened to the world.

[lucifersincentivetosleep]

I've been speed running the events on Lonely Devil on my side account for the past two days and while not all of them are great or sometimes even very fun I've found them to usually just be a good way to pass the time or get in a little serotonin after the mayhem that was ch 10-12 of Nightbringer.

AND THEN I GOT TO THE ANGELIC EVENT

Salty incoherent rant thoughts below, dni if you're just going to get mad at me for disliking this event. Thank

Now look, look;

I don't hate the idea of them dressing up as angels and acting more like they did as angels, I've seen them like that in the main story and it was fine.

This was not that.

I came in expecting a good time and instead I got a whole lot of very distressed and scared demons who had their autonomy taken from them while a gift from someone they trusted and cared for forcibly changed their mental state to the point they were actually not themselves anymore.

And I really didn't like a lot of the dialogue choices given. All of these boys are my best friends, hell they're like little brothers to me. So when I didn't really get the option to comfort them and validate their feelings I got rightfully upset. I'm immensely glad there wasn't any option to get romantic with them, though the way they were acting kinda implied they wouldn't have gone along with it anyway. Edit: there are actually options that allow you to get varying levels of romantic with everyone except Lucifer(I know he tries to flirt with us while testing how much of an effect the bangle has on him but honestly that was very unromantic to me because of how quickly it became uncomfortable for him)and I'm not sure how to feel about that since all the boys that allow it are in altered mental states. Being able to kiss Asmo felt very uncomfy to me(and not because I'm only romantically inclined toward Lucifer).

Honestly I feel like the most sincere interaction I had with any of them was when I had the one on one talk with Lucifer, and I'm not just saying that because he's my husband.

You don't get to show me a Mammon so distressed with his situation that he'd try to cut off his clothes with a scissors, and a Levi so scared he literally tells us he's shaking in fear and then only give me the option to be a right bastard or be insensitive with good intentions. And Satan. Listen, you know a situation is fucked up when someone tells you they're afraid to be calm. Beel and Asmo were honestly the only ones who didn't seem too bothered and Belphie was... he seemed the least distressed by the bangles affects once they'd activated but before then he was angry. And yet the game expects me to just be perfectly fine going along with the party preparations while my chosen family is distressed and under a spell that should honestly be called a curse.

Sure.

I'm also not happy with Dia or Simeon but I'm not going to get into my feelings around that because this event made me mad enough already so I don't want to start any discourse around how mind altering bangles are absolutely a political situation that you can't just laugh off.

I will however say that this event is a really good look at just how different angel's are from what we usually see in Luke and Simeon, though that honestly just made me even less enthused.

Doesn't help the event ended while everyone was still under the spell's effect, so yeah, not an event I liked.

Replaying this so I could make my list accurate for all the boy's interactions hasn't changed how I feel about the event, but I did find out that choosing options that just go along with everything like none of it's bothering mc at all gets you more positive reactions the more the boys are under the affects of the bangles. They're justifiably upset with MC acting like none of this is an issue before the bangles take affect though, which I appreciate but choosing those options means you don't see how the boys actually feel(Levi doesn't admit to being terrified, for instance)which I have conflicting feelings about.

[velvetporcelain]

Fuck this social gathering, ima smoke a square out in the fucking hall

Alone. Typing away mindlessly on my pocket diary. It’s how I like it. I want to post, without the intention of interaction.

I just want my existence documented. I want to remember that I am real. That is self proclaimed validation because apparently spending all your free time feeling your feelings isn’t validation enough! That is so fucking taboo and I don’t know why!

Why hasn’t anyone taught us how to feel these things? How to juggle memories? Therapy is a bandaid. But that doesn’t mean it stops the blood. We are human and once we bleed through we go back for another. Temporary fixes.

The system is built to fail us. If you think I am wrong, please, I would kindly counteract with telling you how the system operates entirely off of our personal successes. We are like the engine in a war tank. We know nothing of what is happening but we know we are powering it. Everything you think is basically hypothetical. Imaginative. Theorized. Tested. Observed. Experienced.

If facts were to stand in line with these we would not be able to easily point them out. There in lies the challenge with life. Recognition. Trust. Belief. Idolization. Government.

We are taught all the wrong things. We are taught to sit still in order to stay busy. What if I can’t sit still? What if I can’t cap anything? What if I want to feel infinitely human? What if I wanted to understand everything deeper?

I want ballistic passion. Explosive expression. Translucent touch. Eccentric energy.

I believe that what people look for in social settings can be achieved by putting all the same energy into one human being. Trust. Love. Acceptance. Expression. Communication. Interaction. Comfort. Support.

I’m like the lone wolf girl who never has the decency to remove her sunglasses while inside the grocery store. I purposely hide my eyes. Protect my eyes. Regulating the feelings they give me via my surroundings. Don’t hate me, I’m just an alien. 👽 🤭👀

I am not an insane woman, but I am insane. I am not a pleaser I am a preserver of humanity. I choose to preserve the act of pleasing because I love giving pleasure. I tend to expect this back, but lately I’ve learned that’s what turns pleasure into pain. I don’t have time for any unnecessary pain, so I am very receptive to the idea of expecting nothing. Especially in a society with its head up its ass. Where peace is man made but expected from god.

In a world where it makes me think of god as a sadist, watching us create our own pain without the burden of guilt. But then music make me feel real again.

I’m like really good bass guitar vibrations in a heavy metal song that just hits you right in the chest and makes you want to scream because everything I am feels right.

I’m trying to teach you shit school can’t teach you.

I’m trying to learn shit school can’t teach me.

Learning is free with a library card.

I want to learn useless mindfucking information. Like how the wives of Nazis would hand pick their favorite tattoos that prisoners had and order them to be skinned and turned into household items. How they made the German people walk through these camps and see the piles of dead bodies. In all of this I wonder if this was in fact a worldly and collective hate for the Jews.

Surrounding countries denied their salvation. Everyone had a hand in this indirectly, Germany was dealing with it directly. I wouldn’t put it past Hitler to think we was doing the world a service. He was madly in love with the fatherland, and we have seen the results of how twisted the ideology of love can be.

The book that I’m reading about Rudolph Höss? Oh he was just a German pawn. He was playing the game too. He was nothing significant. He was the observed and the observer.

No one seems to want to put themselves in the position historically. There’s so much modernization you have to deduct when you study or read history. I feel that I am easily able to do that, but I have a hard time processing our current world affairs. It’s like you never know until years later when everything is declassified.

I find myself modernizing history. A lot actually. It’s more like running them parallel to each other and seeing how, when and where things run similar, history repeating itself. We’ve just modernized the genocide through our health care system and the most advantageous weakness of humans, addiction.

Again, a system made to fail us. Or maybe it is because I haven’t experienced any real miracles from this system.

JESUS. how did I get here?

This.

This why I am always smoking a square in the fucking hall.

[hungryistrying]

hungryistrying's fanfiction masterlist

multi-chapter fics:

jinx’s perfect guide to ruining loving relationships

summary:

"I'm going on a double date with my sister and need to bring my boyfriend."

"So?" Ekko frowns at her, failing to understand how he's part of her master plan.

"So, smartass," she flicks his forehead, hilariously causing his frown to deepen, "I'll need a fake boyfriend. Which would be you."

Ekko looks at her as if she's grown two heads. He opens his mouth. And promptly closes it. Then Jinx sees his throat bob as he swallows. Is his throat dry or something? Must be the warm weather. She'll bring him a water bottle later to prove what a considerate fake girlfriend she could be.

Jinx devises a brilliant plan to break up her sister and her girlfriend. All she needs is a fake boyfriend so she has a valid reason to crash all their dates. Easy peasy! (Un)fortunately for Jinx, things do not go as planned.

rating: teen

word count: 10073

status: incomplete

chapter one

read on ao3

multi-work series*:

*multi-work series meaning these are stand-alone stories that can be read by themselves, but reading all parts offers a more comprehensive overarching plot

modern au series: two parts | completed

part one: maybe we can try it if you let me

summary:

She’ll just show up – blow off the poor loser who Vi surely must’ve threatened into going on a date with a walking human disaster – and then she can go back to her regularly scheduled programming of watching Spanish telenovelas she doesn’t understand, but cheering every time the wife plans an elaborate revenge scheme on her cheating husband. All while ignoring the 30-page thesis paper she has only 2 weeks left to start on because she loves living on the edge.

In which Jinx gets set up on a blind date and is determined to have a horrible time. Until she actually meets him.

rating: teen

word count: 2558

read here or on ao3

part two: it takes you and me to make us

summary:

"This is kind of random,” at the sound of his voice, Jinx’s eyes flicker up at him, “but do you want kids?"

At his unexpected question, she abruptly sits up straight, looking at him in bewilderment while she can hear the Windows error sound play on repeat in her head as she tries to formulate a response. Ekko continues to play with her hair, patiently waiting for her answer.

"I have twenty-two cents on my bank account and a Dorito chip in my pocket," is what she ends up blurting, brain still empty.

They've been together for a year now, which is the longest Jinx has ever been in a relationship. Still, she wasn't prepared for Ekko to start talking about their possible future.

rating: teen

word count: 2593

read here or on ao3

reverse au series: two parts | incomplete

part one: and i'll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands)

summary:

“We stopped being friends the moment you decided to work for Silco.”

“That hurts my feelings, you know?” He further closes in on her, barely a hairbreadth apart as he whispers. “I still care about you a lot.”

She glares at him, ignoring the painful pang she feels in her chest at his admission. “Did you care about the innocent people you hurt and killed for him too?”

“But not you." He leans in closer until his nose is brushing against hers. “Never you.”

They've been enemies ever since Powder established the Firelights and Ekko became Silco's left-hand man. But it could never be quite that simple between the two of them. For what are love and hate, if not two sides of the same coin?

rating: mature

word count: 3616

read here or on ao3

part two: and if you wanna go to heaven (you should fuck me tonight)

summary:

And rationally, she understands she should pay it no mind and give him the cold shoulder if he tries to proposition her again. Unfortunately, rationality tends to fly out the window when Ekko gets a little too close to her.

rating: explicit

word count: 6367

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standalone one-shots:

i'm your one and only (only when you're lonely)

summary:

Jinx needs an easy distraction. But nothing ever goes easy for her, especially not with Ekko.

rating: explicit

word count: 8809

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if they ain't talking we ain't doing it right

summary:

"You know," Jinx starts, one eye closed in concentration so she can focus on his makeup, "people are shipping us."

"Seriously?" Ekko replies, trying very hard to stay perfectly still so she doesn't get annoyed if his makeup gets messed up.

"Yeah, they even have a ship name for us. Timebomb."

He would roll his eyes if that movement didn't require too many facial muscles. "Now I know you're just fucking with me."

Their relationship is supposed to be a secret, but at this point, Ekko just wants to hold his girlfriend's hand when they walk outside.

rating: teen

word count: 2488

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i'm so down for you

summary:

“I’m going on a date,” Jinx says as if she’s getting executed.

“Okay?” Vi confusedly asks, taking a seat on the edge of Jinx’s bed.

“With Ekko.”

“Oh,” Vi smiles at her, which is definitely not the reaction Jinx needs right now, “congrats. I’m sure you’re going to have fun.”

Jinx groans again, pulling at her braids in annoyance.

For reasons that were definitely beyond her control, Jinx ended up agreeing to go on a "practice date" with her lifelong friend Ekko.

rating: teen

word count: 4500

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my roommate (f24) is trying to blue ball me (m25) to death

summary:

Jinx's head whirled back in Ekko's direction and she glared at him. "Oh, so I'm not sexy?"

After contemplating ditching all of them and just driving home by himself, he decided against it and deadpanned, "I literally didn't say anything."

"Your silence speaks volumes." She scoffed.

Jinx is his best friend and roommate, and he's been in love with her for as long as he can remember. That aside, she's also determined to put Ekko in an early grave.

rating: explicit

word count: 9248

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you were the one (but you were born to say goodbye)

summary:

The dead girl that he had mourned, not dead at all, just lingering here looking like death warmed up. He can see it in her ashen skin; in those wrong, bright magenta eyes. They look like shimmer and at the sight of them, he nearly balks.

rating: teen

word count: 2728

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stay cool, it's just a kiss

summary:

“So, you know…howI’veneverkissedanyonebefore,” she quickly mumbles, ignoring the way she can feel her face warming up.

“You realize I got no clue what you just said, right?” Ekko deadpans.

With a frustrated groan, she shoots upright and exclaims, “I’ve never kissed anyone!”

A beat of silence. He just blankly stares at her and Jinx is contemplating the quickest way to die. Then he bursts out into laughter.

Jinx is feeling a little insecure because she hasn't had her first kiss yet. Ekko helps.

rating: teen

word count: 3766

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it would be a hundred times easier (if we were young again)

summary:

"How about," he swallows, and Jinx's eyes are drawn to the bobbing of his throat, "we call a truce?"

Her eyes snap back up to his face, and she mockingly grins. "Oh? You don't wanna kill me?"

"Haven't decided yet," he shoots back. "Let's make it out of here alive first and raincheck that." 

And Jinx's grin widens at his response. She's always loved playing with Ekko because he's so good at playing with her too.

Jinx loves picking a fight wherever she goes. Ekko just so happened to be along for the ride.

rating: mature

word count: 4796

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[gentil-minou]

This is a REALLY unpopular opinion, but I actually really loved the break-up in 2521. It felt so realistic and so undramatic. Yes, it made me bawl like a baby, but I also felt it so deep in my bones. I was going through a very difficult phase with my boyfriend when I watched it, and it made me feel validated. Like, couples are allowed to have problems that may seem minor to outsiders, but it can matter so deep to the people involved that it can even lead to a break up. Such perfect depth.

See I wouldn't have minded the ending if it didn't completely go against the characters and their earlier scenes. I agree real couples and breakups have depth and nuances but we should HAVE SEEN THAT IN THE SHOW NOT JUST PRETENDED IT WAS THERE CAUSE THEY TOLD US IT WAS

Like, you're telling me they survived a longer separation when they were kids and weren't even together but then he goes off as adults and is seeing some of the most traumatic things ever and they butcher nhd's character so hard by going "yeah but he needs to pay more attention to ME" even though the foundations of their relationship involved distance and friendship LIKE COME ON. It destroyed their characters, byj WHOSE ENTIRE GOAL WAS TO GET BACK TO HIS LOVED ONES was like "actually I'm gonna stay in this place where I'm miserable because I have to or some bs" and nhd who was one of the sweetest most understanding caring person is like "actually I don't care about your trauma I care about what I want even though I'm the one who travels for work all the time" LIKE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

If they breakup happened for other reasons, or if we had seen more of their relationship falling part and like ah yes they need to breakup its good for them it might have worked but they didn't. Everytime they had am argument about byj's work they made up and moved on. But instead the main issue was miscommunication which I fucking hate in general but it was worse here because THEY ALWAYS COMMUNICATED WELL. EVEN WHEN ALL THEY HAD WAS FUCKING VOICEMAILS THEY COMMUNICATED WELL you cannot tell me they lost that ability by dating no fucking way make it make sense.

Because it didn't fit with their characters and what we knew of them and their relationship, the conflict didn't work for me and thus the breakup felt forced and unnecessary. The last two episodes felt like I was watching an entirely different drama with different characters because thye did not make any sense at all and just ugh

Also the fact that we clearly see both of them are unhappy in their later lives. NHD is always complaining about a shitty absent husband, and she didn't even seem happy when they were newlyweds (wanting a divorce instead come on) like what a sucky way to see it. And BYJ though we don't see much from him he still feels lonely and is a workaholic. The drama didn't give us any closure for them as characters, ans since we watched them grow up and end it with them still being sad and hung up on the other.

If the show had ended with a hopeful open ending, even if they were broken up, I'd feel better about it. Maybe we got to see NHD's husband and see why she married him and that he's good for her. Maybe we'd get to see BYJ with a family of his own or at least some goddamn friends, something to show he healed from that trauma of his nyc stay, idk.

Obviously my ideal ending would have been for them to get back together after a couple years apart and him to have been the dad all along BUT by the end I was okay with the idea that at the very least they can reconnect as friends when they're older. At its core their story was about friendship, and I would have been satisfied if she just like met up with her friends. But no, we don't know what happened to the friends at the end. I don't know if she and bona's character are still friends, if the other two are still married (and THAT was not a realistic romance okay that was bs comparing the two ships and seeing that was the one that lasted was a slap on the face) or whether the smart one whose name i also forgot got to live up to her full potential and be satisfied with her career (i actually liked her working on a variety show it suited her character but also id like to see something). We didnt get to see any of the character grow into people they wanted to be, just hopelessness. It destroyed the main premise that we got from the first 14 episodes. It would have been an easy fic just like a fucking ending shot with her getting a group text from the friend group or contacting byj to meet up and catch up like seriously anything would have been better than seeing her walk off into the distance like "well I can't change my past but i can sure live in it cause my current life sucks)

Not to mention the poor casting choice where older nhd just ended up becoming the most stereotypical ajumma I've seen down to fashion it felt like I was watching some other show. Kim tae ri could have stayed in that role and worn different makeup at least then it would have felt like the same character instead of feeling like it was another drama entirely jfc.

They didn't advertise this drama as a sad one, or at least there was some definite disconnect between the writer and the directors/actors. Even kim tae ri asked the writer to change the ending cause she thought it didn't fit with the story. They changed a lot and it was advertised as a coming of age romance, not the melodrama is became. It just was so incongruous and I hate how it didn't fit with the characters I grew to love.

I'm glad it was cathartic for you but it left me feeling really shitty and hopeless at the end, and that's the feeling I get still when I think about it. It really had the potential to be my favorite drama of all time (something that hasn't changed in nearly a decade since coffee prince for crying out loud) but I can't even think about rewatching it. It's just something I find so unsatisfying.

Plus I hate the message of the story becoming something like "your teens and early 20s are the best years of your life after that it sucks and you just have to be okay with that" like no gtfo. This is a problem across the board in Korea where married women with kids who are miserable just have to be okay with that and I'm sorry I hate it sooooo much. If they just showed that everyone was happy and that their lives were good and importantly THAT THEY STILL HAD EACH OTHER AND FRIENDS it would have told a different story that yes you grow up and change but life doesn't end and you can still go back and be with people who care about you and God I just there was so much wasted potential that they fucked up so bad