#don't judge me i'm going through something rn

[sarah-crewe]

Rules: shuffle your ‘on repeat’ playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people 🎶  

tagged by @jennamacaroni 😘

1. Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift

2. I Knew by Lizzy McAlpine

3. Don’t by Wild Rivers

4. cowboy like me by Taylor Swift

5. Vigilante Shit by Taylor Swift

6. I Burned LA Down by Noah Cyrus

7. Brush Fire by Sierra Eagleson

8. CHRONICALLY CAUTIOUS by Braden Bales

9. labour by Paris Paloma

10. Lovely Enough by Emily James

tagging @thecrackshiplollipop @roarsaidthedinosaur @also-angels @stellesappho @stennnn06 @knockfivetimes @mimi-maru

[deepestdelulu]

How to touch some grass

A guide for chronically online girlies who spend every second of their life scrolling through Tumblr. (no front, I love you <3)

Go on a walk. Fresh air, baby!

Lay in the sun. Or in the rain, since it's autumn.

Read a book. Only if you are able to with your goldfish TikTok attention span, lol. <3

Draw Something. I challenge you to draw a cat.

Try learning a new language. A date with the Duolingo bird.

Go to the theatre alone. Sit in one of those couple seats and stare at the cringy couples while eating popcorn; ignore the movie lmao.

Clean your room. Or reorganize it!

Climb a tree. At your own risk.

Make yourself some tea. Maybe host a tea party!

Try a new hairstyle. I've been trying those low space buns jk?

Bake a cake. Like a fancy and cool one!

Throw your phone into a lake and try to find it. :)

Workout or do yoga. Pilates can be fun too.

Try making friends in irl. This is a tough one, I'm sorry. <3

Paint your nails. Mine are black rn!

Start planning your birthday. Or write your Christmas wishlist.

Go get a coffee. Make your way to your local cafe and try something new! <3

Try learning how to crochet. I've been crocheting makeup bags, lmao.

Do your skincare routine. Do a face mask, and take time for yourself. <3

Make a smoothie. I'll give you a recipe... Banana, raspberries, strawberries, yoghurt for protein, your milk of choice and some coconut flakes as a topping!

Do your homework. So you can be lazy without feeling guilty.

Water your plants. They did nothing wrong... come on.. :(

Go to Ikea. Who doesn't love IKEA?? (not sponsored, lol)

Don't judge me, I wrote this at 3am, and I have the flu. It was fun tho haha.

✩‧₊*:・love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[zshiftsrealities]

I keep seeing so many posts about people talking about how nothing is working for them and that they don't need the same repeated advice and like ... dude, pick a struggle.

like it's cool if you don't believe in something and don't want others to shove it down your throat, totally valid. and that you just wanna complain that it's been so long since you've been in the community and still haven't shifted, without having others come for you for having a “negative” mindset.

but also, if it's not that then what else is it? it is called negative mindset when you're having bad/opposing thoughts about your desires. that is what makes you want to complain and cry and whine, and I totally get that. because it happens to me too. but, when someone is taking the time to send some positivity towards you, you don't have to come for their asses either. they know and they have lived through the same experiences, and what they're telling you is something they wish someone told them when they were going through a rough patch, no matter how much it would've annoyed them back then (just as it is annoying you rn).

and I mean, if complaining is all you do (not that there's anything wrong with it, but doing just that ... ) then I wonder why you're not making progress. not like you're literally doing that to yourself or anything, not at all!

because literally what is this constant complaining about? when everything that happens to you is exactly what you “manifest” for yourself. because if you believe in God, you know that he won't ever be putting you through misery, and everything that's “destined” for you is what you'll choose for yourself either way. and if you don't believe in any higher power, and rather believe that you create your own reality, then just stand the fuck up? you create it, so do just that? or is it more comfortable to be constantly only talking about your “failures” (which you totally aren't manifesting more of by doing this, not at all!) and not wanting others to share hopeful bits because, “ugh shut up! let me complainnn”? I wonder which one it is. totally not the latter, right?

point is, everyone else is also either struggling or struggles at some point. and it's totally fine to be expressing this. no one needs to judge you for that. but if all you're focusing on is, “this isn't working”, “that isn't working” etc etc, instead of maybe trying to just focus on what is working, then happy shifting ... to a reality where literally nothing is working for you uwu. such master shifters surrounding us. xx

(also, this isn't tough love or anything. it's just commom sense if i'm not wrong).

[shadow-work-toolkit]

Following on from my hidden pick-a-card reading (previous post on my page), here are the interpretations. Let me know if it resonates, I ADORE feedback.

PILE 1

The fulfilment you're looking for, either in your situation or just in life in general, is not gonna come until you detach from situations in which you're over-giving and under-receiving. You need that energy for yourself to put towards your own empowerment. You have so much potential to make the best of this situation and use it to propel yourself ever-upwards but a deficit of self-love makes you feel like you need to keep accepting second-best. You don't. The rewards are waiting for you as soon as you detach, and, tbqh, any people in your life draining you like that need you to detach too. There is a difference between enabling and genuine love. Everyone will benefit from genuine love in your life and/or situation, but no one is benefitting from the self-sacrifice you're engaging in rn. Put your energy towards developing your own skills and abilities, be persistent about standing up for what you know is right, and start listening to your gut feeling on things. It is correct. The other voices are not. Your intuition is the one that comes from nowhere and feels like gentle, loving advice.

PILE 2

If the minutiae of a situation is making you feel hopeless or overwhelmed, know that it is safe to let it go. Sometimes you need to hold tight to make something work but others that grip will only kill it or stop it growing, and this is one of those situations. The constant vigilance is preventing things from progressing. If you need a distraction, there is something you can focus your keen intellect on to pass the time until your other situation bears fruit, you just have to look up from your current thing long enough to see it. The outcome of the thing you're hyper-focused on either is up to or will feel like destiny when it manifests, it's out of your hands and possibly always was. Your fear of everything going to shit is not based on reality, just because it was that way in the past doesn't mean it will be this time. The path is quite literally blessed, just hidden to you at this time, but it will be made clear very soon. Possibly as soon as 8 days from now, but don't quote me on that lol. Just take a deep breath and try to look at it from above and not from in the thick of it and things will go a lot easier for you with it.

PILE 3

Someone's stubbornness is preventing you from moving forwards and is holding everything up. This could be a good time to meditate on it but I get the sense it's actually just getting in the way of you doing your work and knowing where to put your efforts. Try not to judge them too harshly, including if it's yourself being stubborn, coz the rebirth after this hold-up phase will be swift and powerful. Whether or not it's you being stubborn or holding things up, don't worry, there is plenty of other opportunity for advancement in this area (I'm sensing work but I'm tryna keep it general). And it's likely the situation is nearly over with. Once you've moved through the challenges, joy and happiness you haven't felt in a very long time is waiting for you. So don't rush, use this time wisely to take stock and plan your next moves, but be ready for things to change because that joy and happiness is soon and inevitable at this point. Expect full rebirth by May-June.

PILE 4

So looks like you're feeling pretty stuck and stagnant, something's got you indecisive to the point of inaction. You know what you want but you're not sure either how to get it or, potentially, don't feel good enough to receive it. But the truth is that you absolutely do deserve to receive what you want and actually more than that. You have the ability to get it too, don't worry for now about how stable it is in the beginning or if it's something that's going to be around for the long-haul. The universe is waiting for you to take the first step so it can lay down the path before you. The path only exists once you decide to take it. Idk I'm getting scattered energy a bit here so maybe work on your focus, use your intellect to rationalise it out a bit, and you'll see how to get around any obstacles you do genuinely face but tbh I'm getting that the biggest obstacle in your path is you, so just set your sights on where you want to go, let your feet start walking and you'll be amazed where you end up. You don't even think you're the Knight when in reality you are already the King.

PILE 5

Seems like you're in a bit of a transitional phase right now and feeing at a loss for where to start. You're not sure you can do it alone, but you're so full of impetus to begin. Start with healing and go from there, you have everything you need to get where you want to go but you won't get there if you keep focusing on what's missing or lost in the past. You're going to need to take life by the balls a bit but the rewards are so worth it. Everything you've dreamed can be reality if you balance the emotional/intuitive side and rational side of your brain. Overall it seems like you're in a way better position than you feel/think, or that there is not so much work needs doing as it seems from your perspective right now. You could be seeing real movement and change as soon as six weeks from now.

[frogsinflannel]

WIP Wednesday

-nobody tagged me, but I saw several "consider yourself tagged" so I'm co-opting one of those. don't judge me.

untitled re-established bucktommy snippet feat. eddie

“I just want something to… to show him I’m serious, you know?  Like that this time we’re going to do things right.”

Eddie grunts, out of frame, and then pops up and wipes his forehead, a ring of tape around his wrist like a bracelet.  “Buck, isn’t he the one who broke up with you before?  You had to take him back.  And I know I’ve been teasing you about it, but.”  He shrugs his stupid bare shoulders, wearing one of his stupid muscle tanks.  Buck thinks, not for the first time, that it’s a shame Eddie’s so goddamn terrible with relationships; he could probably pull if he tried.  “I’m kind of glad that he groveled.”

Buck looks down, tries to hide his smile with a hand over his mouth.  “He didn’t… he didn’t grovel.”

“A little bit.”  Eddie’s nose wrinkles and he holds up his thumb and forefinger, almost no space between them.  “He groveled a little bit, and honestly, man?  You deserved it.”

“Well.”  Buck blows a quick stream of air.  “A-anyway, Eddie.  I just.  I want to do this right.”  He makes an emphatic motion with his hands, cutting through the air in front of him.  “I want to be intentional.”

“You could try talking to him,” Eddie suggests.  He has one eyebrow lifted, a challenge, like he thinks Buck’s not going to talk to his own boyfriend.

“We talk,” Buck says.  He’s not being defensive, either, he’s cutting Eddie off at the pass on that one.  “We talk a lot.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, “when you’re not busy doing other things.”

Buck thinks for a moment about trying to argue the point, but Eddie’s right.  He shrugs, instead, and lets his face split into a cocky grin.

Eddie laughs. “Okay, calm down there, big guy. Keep it in your pants. And if just telling him doesn’t work—“ Buck scoffs but Eddie ignores him. “I’m sure you’ll come up with something.”  He takes a deep breath and looks off to the side.  He’s in the living room of his rental and it’s a mess, with his belongings scattered around and boxes everywhere.  Buck’s been talking to him while he’s been packing.  Soon, he and Chris are coming back to LA and Buck can’t wait.  Eddie grabs a baseball cap from the floor, inspects it, then tosses it into the nearest box.  “You know,” he says, groaning as he stretches out to reach something Buck can’t see, “maybe you could do something kind of special for an anniversary.  Take him out, get him to take you out, just.  Do something to mark the occasion.”

“I don’t know,” Buck says.  He watches Eddie pick up a stack of magazines and then throw them in a box, too.  “You don’t think it would send the wrong message?”

“I think it would say ‘hey, I’m happy to be with you, I think that’s worth celebrating, I want to mark this date to celebrate in the future’--which kind of seems like the right message to me.”

It’s not a bad idea, and Buck mulls it over.  Eddie packs up another box as they talk, and then finally tapes it up and gets off the call so he can go to his parents’ house for dinner with them and Chris.  An anniversary could be good.  Maybe.  Though their last anniversary dinner was kind of a disaster and Buck doesn’t want any kind of repeat of that.  Maybe eating at one of their places instead of going out.

About twenty minutes after they hang up, his phone pings with a text from Eddie.

>>>still think the anniversary idea is a good one but instead of going out i thought of something better. Tell tommy this is what you want:

There’s a few seconds delay and then Eddie sends a link.  Buck taps it and an Etsy page opens with a listing for a bandana and a silver tag that both say “It’s my gotcha day!  YOUR DATE HERE.”

>>VERY FUNNY EDDIE

>>HA HA

>>LAUGHING SO HARD RN 😠😠😠

Bubbles show up while Eddie’s typing, and then:

>>>stop barking or i’ll tell him to get a leash

♡♡♡

Tagging anyone who wants to be share a wip, so if you made it to the end of this goofy ass snippet consider yourself tagged!

[our-queer-experience]

(1) I'm about to go to my top surgery consult and am very excited

(2) I just finished up an email response to my uncle's response to my coming out email

here is a few excerpts I'm especially proud of that lack any personal info:

Him: “As a God-fearing Christian, it would be wrong for me to hate anyone or be prejudice. I may not like someone or their decisions, but hate is a strong word. If I might not like someone, I’ll avoid them. I judge people by the content of their character, not their skin (Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.).”

Me: "I do appreciate your position on hate as a concept, but I don’t personally think avoidance is a perfect solution. In my opinion, understanding those who are different from you is the greatest thing you can do to guard yourself from becoming prejudiced. As Martin Luther King also said, 'People with good intentions but limited understanding are more dangerous than people with total ill will.'"

Him: "My questions are these: After all of the OUTWARD changes, after the mutilation, operations, procedures, drugs, etc, etc. Do you believe all of this is going to satisfy what you’re chasing? Are you going to be satisfied with the end result ??? Once you go down this road, you can’t come back. What is the end result you are chasing? These are questions only you can answer. I don’t ask these questions out of anger or hostility; I ask out of concern. Has anyone asked you these questions and can you answer them (to yourself) honestly?"

My response: "Well in truth that's not really something I can answer. For one I wouldn't say that I'm 'chasing' anything. I'm making informed choices about what I want today. Part of the information I take into account is if I might change my mind later in my life, but that is all I can do. As for the end result, I don't think there will ever really be one. People never stop changing and growing, not until they're gone. So I can't promise that I'll be happy with my choices 5 or 10 years down the line because I'll be a different person then. I can however make an educated guess based on who I am today and the things I know would make me happy now, and that's what I've been doing.

"And I can say that it's been working. Since I've socially transitioned, I haven't felt as though I've been drudging through life anymore. I feel lighter and freer, even more so since going on testosterone. The more changes I experience, the less I want to crawl out of my skin. I cannot conceive any reason as to why I'd want to go back."

Him: “Are you sure all of these outward changes are going to satisfy you? Your soul and your mind are not going to change because of any of this. What happens when you get to end of the road and you don’t like where you’re at ??? You can’t go back.

That absolutely worries the crap out of me.

You are [Full Legal Name*]. God has sent you into this world as [Full Legal Name]. Although you might be able to change the outside, you cannot change the inside.”

*I should note that I do not have a dead name otherwise this would be significantly more fucked

Me: "You're right, at the end of the day I'm still going to be me on the inside, but the outside is going to better reflect who I am. I am [Full Legal Name], I am a guy, and that isn’t going to change. Your concern is touching, but it's not necessary. I know who I am and I know what I want. This journey is mine, but as a prominent masculine presence in my life, as my Uncle, I hope you’ll be here for it."

despite everything going on outside rn, life keeps going, I keep going. ig I just forgot that for a second but today is a nice reminder. I'm going to keep going until somebody stops me, and probably a while after that too. to all of us: don't hide, don't shrink away, show them what you are. if they don't stick around, if they refuse to learn, that's their fault. we've seen time and time again what happens to those who are intolerant. and if we know anything it is that history repeats itself. thank you.

man you handled that really maturely. congrats on the consult and i hope things improve 🫂

[lawqual1ty]

Why...? (College AU! Trafalgar Law x Gn! Reader)

Pov: Hanging out with some of your mutual friends results in you having a new doubt that racks your brain for a bit... Unfortunately (or not) thanks to a twist in fate you end up having to be attended by your roommate where finally your questions are answered...

I got the idea thanks to me actually going through the same thing rn

This is a part 2 following the story line of this fic! Since so many people seemed to want more and who am I to say no?

Warning: Sort of angsty (I was feeling sad sorry), Hurt to comfort, Migraine, curse words

"Say what now...?" You stopped stirring your coffee with your straw as you looked flabbergasted at the two guys sitting in front of you.

Sachi and Penguin nodded as they looked at you with a same level of shock while Bepo just seemed a tad bit confused by the situation, although judging by his worried eyes it was pretty serious.

"Yeah... He never lets anyone hang around him when he's studying..." Sachi started, a hint of concern in his voice.

"Or worse let them touch him..." Penguin added with a small sweat drop rolling down his temple.

Your brain took an awkwardly long time to process everything... You kept going back and forth between their words and the memories you had shared with Law during these two years that you had been roommates. Something didn't seem right, although yeah he wasn't the warmest or openest guy in the universe he was never very shut off to you... Going from casual hang outs while you two studied to you sometimes helping him out with caring for his tattoos after the previous shirtless incident (you grew used to seeing him bare chested as he began asking you for help with placing some hydrating creams or sunscreen on his back tattoo). Silence surrounded the three of you as you slowly narrowed your eyes in almost a comedic manner.

"You're lying..."

"WE'RE NOT!"

They yelped making both you and Bepo flinch with wide eyes as the poor bear started apologizing profusely while you patted him on the back, he could be quite the fragile guy sometimes, although it was adorable. You looked back at Sachi and Penguin with a confused look.

"But then... Why is it different with me? I guess it's because I'm his roommate right...?" You were reasoning more with yourself than with the two males, you turned your head over to Bepo with a furrowed expression "He's your best friend right? He must let you do that same stuff because he trusts ya'..."

Bepo looked over at you for a minute before gently shaking his head "Not one bit..." His demeanor then turned apologetic as you flinched at his words "Sorry"

You couldn't help but sigh as you kept gently stroking his back "Don't be..."

"That's what we're telling you! It's super rare..." Penguin started out as he tapped his fingers on the table only making you grunt further as you squeezed your eyes shut "There's something weird going on here... Maybe something..."

Although you had your eyes closed you could sense how both Sachi and Penguin looked over at each other with a creepy blushing face, the faintest scent of blood coming out of their nostrils making you sigh deeply "Don't..."

They gently stopped although you had a feeling that the idea of it being because of "something else" never left their mind as they started giggling on their own. You rubbed the temple of your nose as you tried to process everything, the mere idea of what you considered to be normal in Law now being rare raised so much questions which, based on your previous experience, know they were going to go unanswered...

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

One thing to know about having Law as your roommate is that he usually kept a lot of fitness stuff around, being a medicine student he cares a lot about his health together with yours so it wasn't unusual to find some stuff organized to the side of the room where he usually worked out when he had time. You occasionally used some of the equipment since he convinced you to... Much to your complaints, but it's something you have slowly gotten used to.

One of these mechanisms was a bar that was placed at the top of the door frame that lef to the kitchen, it should be perfectly safe if it wasn't for the fact that well it wasn't screwed onto the door... It just was placed there, it had never given you much of a problem until today.

You just got back to your dorm with an exhausted sigh, you kept on pondering about the conversation you just you had with Sachi and Penguin... A confused glint in your eyes as you processed their words about you and Law... You had never seen his behavior as unusual so for them to say it's rare out of the blue sure caught you off guard. You dropped your keys on the key bowl (as you liked to call it) with a loud exhale, the sound of the keys clanking being a clear signal that you could finally relax... Or well...

"I need to study..." You muttered to yourself with a soft grunt, you never got to really catch a break... And honestly it was nerve-wracking...

You walked towards the kitchen to get something to snack on while you studied hoping the small treat would keep your sleepless ass awake in some way shape or form, you were in a pretty grumpy mood so you didn't pay much mind at your surroundings as you leaned a hand on the door frame.

Out of nowhere you heard a loud thud and felt your mind go numb for a moment... You froze, not out of shock but rather because you couldn't move, your body didn't seem to respond at all... You looked at the ground and saw what had produced the loud thud, it was the weird bar thing on top of the kitchen door. As soon as you gained consciousness you started to feel a sharp pain at the top of your head, your vision began to get blurry with tears as the pain was changed from a sharp sting to a numbing rumble that made you dizzy, you didn't want to move at all... Finally everything clicked in your brain: The bar had fallen on your head.

You didn't yelp, you didn't move... You just... stood there trying your fucking hardest to keep yourself a foot, luckily you weren't alone at the time... A loud pair of footsteps came running over to you, Law had heard the loud thud and made its way to you in an instant, you raised your eyesight to meet his... Your eyes blurring with tears as the pain turned into a sharp migraine.

"Ouch..." Those were the only words you could utter as you tried your best to chuckle so that the scene didn't look all that bad, unfortunately for you Law had never been one to fall for your strong acts... If anything he grunted as he gently approached you and with a steady hand touched your head gently, the sudden contact made you jolt away, or well as best as you could in your state, as his skin felt weird against yours... That was never a good sign. He silently looked at you with a stern expression as he analyzed the scene.

"Did the bar fall on you?" His words came out in a concerned yet gentle tone. You nodded, words didn't come out of your mouth and if they did they were a muttering mess, he frowned.

"Do you feel like puking?" You shook your head

"I just..." You paused for a bit, the mere fact of taking seeming like a struggle "Migraine..." You spoke as best as you could, he gently took your arm and guided you to the table for you to sit down "Just stay here... I'll go get something"

He headed off and before you realized he was gone he brought a pill with him together with some water and an ice pack, he offered you the pill and you silently took it... The act of kindness made your tears start to roll down your cheeks in rivers and rivers of salty water, why were you being so sensitive? Was it because of the strike? You had no clue, you just placed the pill in your mouth and washed it down with the water, you suddenly felt a ting of coldness at the top of your head finding yourself with Law who stood really close to you as he placed the ice pack on the spot the bar had fallen on you "This should calm down the pain..." He spoke gently as he looked at you with a furrowed expression, your eyes never left him as a comfortable silence surrounded the two of you... The pain was still there but it was no longer unbearable, the one thing that was a bit annoying to you was how much you were crying... Your mind was racing, going between being completely blank and drowned in pain to being fully covered in weird thoughts about you wanting for Law to stop caring for you that much... Why would he do such a thing? Oh right he's a medicine student... This is normal work for him right? Right...? Then why did it hurt...? You hated feeling vulnerable... You got back to blank thoughts as you played with the glass of water and took a few sips. A caring hand took you out of your trance as it wiped a few of your tears away, gently squeezing your cheeks as it did so... You turned to face the one responsible for such gentle care, finding yourself with those grey eyes that confused you so much... They somehow looked so much... Warmer than usual, almost as if you were a delicate piece of pottery that he really appreciated and wanted to fix as best as he could without breaking it further, you couldn't help but cry more.

"Why...?" You muttered catching his attention

"Huh...?"

Your lips started trembling, the words not coming out of your mouth as you kept crying.

"Why... Are you so nice to me...?" Your words came out in shaky breaths, your lips trembling as you started crying even more than before... A sense of fear surrounding you as you waited for his answer in between whimpers and hiccups, his eyes widened at your question, you were never one to go ask this kind of stuff and it was rare seeing you in this state. He sighed deeply as he kept his hand on your head with an ice pack.

"You remember when you asked me how I was single...?" He looked away as he spoke, you were surprised... You thought he would have forgotten about that moment but it seems it made quite the impact on him, much to your luck, You just nodded... He took a deep breath before continuing. "Well... It's mainly because I never found a reason for me to be nice to others... Some people could be nerve-wracking in my opinion so I just never thought much of actually dating someone..."

You listened to him attentively as you saw the faintest hint of a smile on his lips, almost as if remembering this amused him, he paused for a moment... His eyes gently closed shut as he thought about his next words and actions, he slowly fluttered them open and looked at you in the eyes but there was something... Different in his gaze... You noticed a small hint of warmth behind those cold grey eyes, it was odd, you assumed your brain was starting to hallucinate thanks to the hard hit from the bar but you had a gut feeling it wasn't the case...

He parted his lips to speak once more, his breathing soft as he looked at you "But then you came... And... Although you were pretty irritating at first I got to enjoy your presence..." He chuckled ever so slightly "I even got worried about you whenever you... Got hurt..."

Your eyes started watering even more... He wasn't usually the one to talk so for him to be so open about it all was... New... It was almost as if he had rehearsed this a thousand times before he talked to you but didn't feel ready until he saw you so vulnerable and felt obliged to do so... To finally open up, to finally show himself bare to you. He took another deep yet shaky breath, he seemed to get even more nervous the more he spoke... Like there was a truth behind his words that he wasn't quite ready to admit, a level of fear that covered his heart as he laid it bare with doubt.

"I just... Didn't want to lose you..." He spoke gently, a soft tear drop rolling down his cheek as he looked away into the distance... Your eyes widened in shock.

"You have... Lost someone already haven't you...?"

Silence...

He looked at the ground and you regretted your words immediately.

"I'm sorry..."

"I did..." He looked back at you "That's why I acted like a coward in front of you... Always caring but never..."

He stopped in his tracks, his words getting stuck in his throat, you felt a sharp sting in your heart as you looked at him... Something in your gut told you he felt the same way as he saw you get hurt and cry... Your shaky lips parted slightly.

"Is that... Why you're so kind to me...?" You looked up at him "Because you're scared...?"

He chuckled gently "Not just because of that..." He admitted with a soft yet sad smile "You have a knack of getting into people's hearts... And unfortunately I was no exception..."

He gently turned to face you with a warm smile, you must be hallucinating already... There was no way he was smiling to you that way... Was there...?

"I fell for you, Y/N..." His words struck your heart strings, if you could move you would have jolted up but you were still kinda numb thanks to your headache... All you could do was stare in disbelief. There were no formalities in his words, his usual '-ya' was not added at the end of your name... Making it all the more... Close... You felt your heart beat rapidly.

Slowly but steadily your lips started shaking even more as you felt like crying your whole heart out, trying your best to hold it in you bit your lower lip as you let out a few hiccups and whimpers... But alas you weren't that strong... You bawled your eyes out as Law stared at you warmly... He froze for a moment not really knowing how to proceed, with a hesitant hand he pulled you closer to him letting you rest your head on his shoulder as you cried everything you had inside...

"It's okay... I'll stay with you..." He spoke gently as he stroked your back lovingly, now his touch didn't feel so foreign in your skin...

He loved you... He really did...

And you loved him...

Hell...

You loved each other...

You kept crying on his shoulder for what felt like an eternity, snot and tears ruining his hoodie as you kept trying your best to compose yourself... You wanted to talk... You wanted to yell out to him that you loved him too, you really did... But your headache didn't allow you to do so... You only had the strength to cry, not that Law minded at all... He loved being your pillar of support.

You sniffled as your crying came to a stop (at least for a bit) slowly incorporating yourself, the gentle taps of Law's hands on your back giving you a level of reassurance that made you be able to ground yourself...

"I..." You started out gently "I have fallen for you too, Law... Heck I think I did for longer..." You started chuckling nervously as your hand tried to clumsily dry up your cheeks, to no avail "But I... I was a coward... Fuck... Still am!"

You admitted with a sort of bright smile, Law looked at you with wide eyes before chuckling gently... You almost started blabbering your thoughts, unlike him you didn't take much time to think what you were going to say... You just spoke your heart out, and right now it turned out even messier than usual thanks to your dizzy brain... He rolled his eyes with an amused smile, not that you could notice in between your rambles, and then leaned closer to you...

Silence once more surrounded the two of you as he made you freeze... Not with a glare... Not with words... But with the gentle graze of his lips on yours.

You felt like crying again...

You didn't move... You just drowned in the feeling of his warmth against you... His lips stroking yours in a gentle and loving kiss that none of you realized how much you needed it until it happened... All your emotions, your truth, your hearts... Laid there, bare, a show of love and acceptance for only the two of you to witness...

You gently closed your eyes as the kiss dragged out for longer. He slowly pulled away and smiled at you with a hint of red in his cheeks.

"Did I answer your question now?" He asked with a playful tone, you froze for a moment only to laugh, he sure liked being sarcastic even in moments like these huh? You hugged him by the neck, a soft smile grazing your lips...

"You sure did..."

[linnetagain]

I hope you are doing well and thank you for writing some difficult parts of The Season for us. I am so nervous (in a plot-related way) and excited to see what you have in store!

I have a question which I wonder about every time I listen to one of the playlists or read chapter 5. In it, Gale says:

"“There's maybe two songs that I really do associate with particular moments, but that's all,” he says, when the song finishes. “One of them is a Taylor Swift song, too.”"

I am pretty sure that one of them is Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA, judging by how he skips the song when it plays during training in ch 4, the first day of school photo in the corridor in ch 3, and what he says when Hessie has left the house in ch 17 about how she'll grow up and one day not need him anymore. I bet her first day at school was really difficult for him. They grow up so fast!

Now my question is, assuming Slipping Through My Fingers is one of them, should I be able to work it out from the text so far? I feel like I might just be being dense. It probably doesn't help that I am not that familiar with Taylor Swift's full catalogue (please don't come for me Swifties).

I am not asking for spoilers - in fact if it's going to come up in the story then please don't spoil anything 😂 - but it's actually driving me a bit crackers that I might be missing something.

Thank you so much again for all your hard work and dedication to The Season, it's wonderful, and I feel very privileged to be able to read it ❤️

Oh god I'm nervous too haha!! I'm so flattered that you've been re-reading and paying such close attention omg.

I don't think you'd have been able to work it out don't worry, and tbh I hadn't thought about it in a while!

Gale left Mystra for the last time in late 2022 early 2023 I believe (I don't have the exact timeline off the top of my head and rn I can't remember where I have it written down lol) - so exactly when Midnights was everywhere. I was thinking of that kind of memory you have when you go through a very specific time of your life around a time when a particular song or band are very prominent, and how they end up associated forevermore regardless of whether you intended them to be or not. I'm not a swiftie either but I do remember her voice everywhere that winter!

I don't think I'll ever write the scene, but I have this very clear image of Gale trying to do something normal like standing in a supermarket figuring out how to feed himself, and Bigger Than the Whole Sky playing over it. Especially living in London if you get taxis the cabbies play the radio a lot, and he was being hounded by paps, so the few times he went out cabs would have been how he got between Wyll and Ali's place and the new house when he was buying it and having it done up, and of course the courts. Just imagining that everywhere he went he was followed by this very successful singer when he's wondering if he's just thrown his whole career away, and the 'goodbye goodbye goodbye' refrain over and over. He wasn't in love with Mystra then, but he was definitely still bound up with her and caught up in thinking that he should have been able to save their relationship that had once been everything to him.

And yes, 'Slipping Through my Fingers' reminds him of Hessie.

There's actually a lot of other songs that I listened to while writing particular scenes that didn't get mentioned in the chapters haha. When I eventually finish it I might do a final chapter where I list them all for anyone interested!

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey ; Chapter 8 -

♡ Chapter Inspo: Lyrics - (TS) Slut! (1989TV!) ;  “You’re not sayin’ you’re in love with me, but you’re going to, half awake taking your chance it’s a big mistake, it might blow up in your pretty face I’m not saying do it anyway, but you’re going to”  ♡♡》》𝟙𝟠+ 𝕆ℕ𝕃𝕐 𝔽𝕀ℂ! ℕ𝕆 𝕄𝕀ℕ𝕆ℝ𝕊 𝔸𝕃𝕃𝕆𝕎𝔼𝔻《《♡♡ ♡ Summary: Carm + Winnie have an evening in together. They get wine drunk and have slightly spiritual talk over pizza. Winnie talks Carm through a nightmare. Carm gets some much needed rest, Some angsty sex ensues. ♡ W/C: 8,902 ♡ Posted Date: 02/20/24 ♡ A/N: (Kinda TL Don't have to read) Hayy besties!! I’ve been lookin' over the fic & judging what y'all like by the chapter likes- ok smut and Soft Dom Carm!! I’m leaning towards Soft Dom Carmy being the main trope for this fic & based on the likes y’all love it too!! He needs to build into it though for sure, Like- i'm not great at writing things close to canon- but what is canon is a pivotal part of what makes up Carmen - which is being severely emotionally underdeveloped in regards to relationships - also sexually. BUT don’t get me wrong- that man is a DOM he just needs a partner who will find that and pull it out of him. Like- y’all I am ALL for the fully anger management therapy version of Carmy tthat'swritten in to one shots here like I THIRST for it- I just want to try and flesh out the journey in between because I find it interesting. But it WILL happen in this fic- as you can tell this fic is a slow burn, its gonna be long, and I know its gonna end with Carmen being fully sexually comfortable (at least with Winnie) so expect some dirty dirty filth, carm is just growin rn okay!! I also find it fun to write kinda virgin! Carmy- I believe its canon he’s never had a gf- but I believe he’d had to have blown off steam some way in NY and hooking up on tinder since it was that time would be popular. Anyhow, enjoy this chapter!  ♡ Warnings for BTC: Minimally edited, talks of spiritualism, vomiting, talks of PTSD/Panic Attacks, Sad!Carm, Fluff, (Kinda asshole) But mostly insecure!Carm, Smut! (Talks of it- oral (m) , kissing, etc just slutty shit) 

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

The pizza had gotten there pretty quickly but considering the time of night, that was to be expected. Carmen had been sure to order Pepperoni with extra cheese per my request, and by the time the delivery driver had knocked on the door, we had already finished off my entire bottle of wine and I was in the kitchen opening another. He returns to where we had set up in the living room, putting the steaming pizza box on the coffee table. “No way- you need to finish that story, you can't just answer ‘why do you believe in angels’ with ‘I met a guy when I worked at Dunkin’ Donuts and we had breakfast every day until he died’ and that’s just… the end of the story,” he said and I laughed, coming back with 2 very full glasses of Rose and setting them down. 

“That is the whole story, you mean you want the long detailed version?” I set down the 2 paper plates and paper towel roll I was holding under my arm. “Yes.. Please- how was this man an angel?” he snorted, his face flush from the alcohol as I could easily assume mine was. “Okay… his name was Harold, he came in every day, and one day, well” I took a bite of my pizza. “Like I said - my parents, they were never married. My Mom was a twin, but her sister died when they were babies- anyhow” I took another bite, realizing he was listening intently.

“Um.. yeah..” I swallow “So, my dad like- wanted nothing to do with us really, I mean- we met him a few times but… we were just like I dunno, puppies or something? Like, my dad didn’t want us, but my mom was all religious- anyway… wait- what was I saying?” I asked and he started laughing, “Fuckin, Dunkin Donuts man, Harold?” He said and I nodded, catching my breath from laughing at my own drunk rambles. “Yess! Okay, so that's why- we had no money! And with Chris and all his appointments and everything, my mom had even less money, so when I was 14 I got a job to be able to buy stuff, so anyway, I was working a shift.” I took another bite of my pizza before a large sip of my wine.

“And the angel… flew in to buy his coffee?” he teased and I nudged him with my foot. “Shut up! He’s actually the coolest person ever just listen!” I said and he nodded, going in for his second slice of pizza. “I was working a shift, and this man comes in… he looked really sick and he was like ‘ oh can I get something to eat I don’t have any money’ or whatever so I didn’t have any money to spare obviously and so I got my manager thinking this is a huge fuckin’ company - yanno being an idiot teen - and my manager was like ‘oh sorry dude can’t help you’ and so…” I took another sip of my wine before continuing.

“I took my 4.25 that I was gonna use for lunch, I figured whatever, cause this dude needs it- he looked really sick, and that he needed to eat. and I remembered, my mom always said you do things when you can cause when the lord sends his angels to test you they aren't in a suit” I shrug and his eyebrows raised. “You gave him your lunch money?” he said and I shrugged “Mmhmm, anyway- not the point this is the point, Carm, so he leaves, right? Harold comes in, he gets his regular black coffee. Goes and sits down at one of the tables by himself, he drinks it all like he usually does, just watching- waiting almost, and before he goes to leave, he comes up to the counter, and guess what he does?” I asked and he shrugs, waiting for me to continue.

“He hands me, four fucking dollars, and twenty-five cents” I exaggerate each number and his eyes widen, “what the fuck” he muttered. “And I’m like ‘ Harold, why are you given’ me this?’ And he’s like ‘Oh I don’t know honey, I just figured you can use a pick me up today’ “ I took another bite of my pizza and he stopped chewing. “That… is fucking nuts,” he said and chuckled a bit and shook his head.

“And then, every day, we’d sit on my first break and he’d tell me stories about his life, the wars he’d been in, his daughters, his wife before she died, and when he stopped comin’ his daughter came in - she told me that he told her to tell me that he wasn’t doing well and that’s why he hadn’t been by- so I went and visited him in the hospital, got to say goodbye, he was so awesome, and he would do that sort of thing all the time- whenever someone needed something Harold was just… there ya know? It’s like God..or something sent him in at a different time every morning to help someone out even in the smallest ways, He was an angel” I said and Carm nodded, putting his plate down and finishing off his own wine. 

“Well, now that you didn’t make it sufferingly short, I see why you think that. I’d probably believe in angels too if somethin’ like that happened” He said and I dusted my hands over my empty plate before setting it down on the table. “So you’ve never had an experience like that?” He shrugged looking up while he thinks before shaking his head. 

“Nope. Maybe you’re just magical” he pokes my nose causing me to giggle. “I think you” I poke his nose back “are drunk, and we both need to go to bed. Cmon those blankets I put in the dryer went off a few minutes ago. Let's brush our teeth before they get cold” I got up and grabbed our glasses and he took the trash “At least let me help you a little” he said and I smiled. “Such the gentleman.” I teased and he followed me into the kitchen. 

I pointed to show him where the ziplocks were and put the cups in the dishwasher, taking the  box to the entryway and leaving it to bring to the recycling in the morning. “Oh uhhh…I sleep…with the um-“ I started “rain sounds?” He chuckled a bit, stretching his back. “Mmhmm…” I nodded. “So uh…is that ok?” I asked and he nods “no problem for me”

I turn around and head in the bathroom turning on the light “I assume you didn’t bring a toothbrush, or are we that close already?” I teased and he snorts. “No…I did not. Got an extra?” He asks and I open my bathroom closet “you’re in luck, Sadie’s soon to be sister in law is a dental hygienist” I pull out 2 from my thick stack Sadie had put on me when she came over since she had so many laying around her house. 

“Are you a green or blue boy?” I asked and he pouted playfully “no Spider-Man?” He jokes and I giggle. “Blue it is” I put the green one back and popped open the blue one, handing it to him and turning on the sink, wetting my pink electric toothbrush. I put on my anti-cavity toothpaste and handed it over to him, he did the same putting some on his brush. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll time you” I said and he raised his eyebrow “what?” He asked and I turned on my toothbrush, giving him a smug smile before popping the brush in my mouth. Every 30 seconds I mumbled ‘next quadrant!’ With a small smile until the 2 minutes was up, spitting my toothpaste out and brushing my tongue as he did the same before rinsing my mouth and shutting off the water. 

By the time we got in bed and shut the light off, Persephone had well found her spot between my legs, purring softly as she groomed herself for the night and I opened my phone, going to tik tok. Carm spoons me from behind, nuzzling his face in my shoulder with his arm wrapped around my waist. “What’re we watchin’ babe?” He mumbled and I smile. 

“My nightly dose of giggles” I said and scrolled down my for you page, stopping on a video from ‘Secret Brittany’ and my eyes locking on the screen. 

Okay guys, lock in alright? This is the plan - the military planning for the next 2-4 months of my life 

Carm lets out a snort in to my neck, his hand traveling up and down my ribs as he watches with me. 

I’m not going to move to Ireland- yet. I’m going to purchase bumble premium in Ireland, and I’m going to march with Irish men who want me - caveat, they want me, then, I’m going to move, and live my faerie dream 

I giggled, “me” I said quietly to myself and he pinches my waist gently causing me to giggle more “you?! You’re not goin’ anywhere I dunno’ what you’re talkin’ about” he held me tighter, nuzzling his nose deeper in to the crook of my neck. “Is someone whiny and jealous? I’m sure with my red hair and thick hips I’d have guys lining up for me” I teased and laced my fingers with his. 

He let out a bratty huff “I know that’s why you aren’t allowed to go” he muttered into my skin, causing me to smirk as I scrolled on to the next nonsense video. I gasped as I realized I had forgotten about getting to the next part of my absurd series about some woman divorcing her lying husband and looked up her account and Carm leans in a little closer. 

“Wait…” he muttered softly as I scroll through, trying to find the last video I left on. “Who the fuck did I marry…52 parts Winnie?!” He snorts and I giggle “Carmen- shut up, shhh your brain. Get engrossed.” I said and went all the way back to the first part and I glance down at him. 

“You know I’ve watched 23 parts but I’ll rewatch- cause you have to see this, and know-“ I lean in so our foreheads were touching and giggle a bit. “I’m scared” he said playfully causing me to laugh more. “Know Carmen -whatever your middle name is- Berzatto, I will always sniff out a lie- I will do my diligence- hear me?” I huff a laugh and he kisses my lips tenderly. 

“I would never dream of lying to you” he said honestly before continuing. “I may not tell you everything at once, but I’ll never misguide you, yeah?” He said softly and gently cups the back of my head with his warm hand. I nodded softly against him. “Yeah…” I whisper and kiss his forehead. “My middle names Anthony” he said with a small smile. “Mines - basic. Ok, Now listen to this bullshit” I giggle a bit and turn back around, hitting play. 

It was about 3 parts (30 minutes) of Carmen softly gasping, playing with the hem of my shirt in anticipation, and humming in confusion before I heard the first snore come from his lips. I hit pause on the video, putting on my rain asmr sounds on Spotify and gently plugged my phone in, setting my alarms before drifting off into a peaceful, relaxed sleep. 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·...·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·...·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..

I woke up to the sounds of violent retching in my bathroom, I rubbed my eyes, confused for a moment before remembering that Carmen had slept over. I padded out to the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing my brita jug, before opening my cabinet and grabbing one of the many different glasses that fit a bamboo lid and glass straw, this certain one adorned with cherries. I gently pushed the cup under the ice dispenser, letting a few cubes drop in before filling the cup with chilled water. 

I pushed the lid and straw on, popping the Brita back in the fridge before padding back to the bathroom, where I heard dry heaving from outside the slightly cracked door. “Carmy?” I mutter softly, pushing the door further open to see him crouched over the toilet, elbows supporting him as he gagged over the bowl. 

“S-sorry.” He muttered, coughing a bit before sitting up and trying to catch his breath. “No- no. Carmen, don’t apologize” I knelt down next to him, gently rubbing his back. “I’m not feeling sick.. so was it a nightmare?” I asked softly, extending the water to him. He sat back on the floor, extending his legs in front of him and sighing deeply. 

“I really didn’t mean t’wake you, Winnie. It’s fine…really they happen like every night” he mumbled, taking the glass from my hands. “I have them too! It’s ok, it's ok. S’just a bad dream” I said softly and gently brushed his curls off his forehead that were damp with sweat. He takes a big few gulps of water from the straw, sighing relieved before leaning back and resting on the cold tub. 

“Did you…did you wanna talk about it?” I sat next to him, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my cheek on my knee, glancing at him through the moonlight coming through the window. It was hard to see him without my glasses or contacts, but his striking blue eyes were still impossible to miss. “It’s…” he looked at his hands, holding the glass. “Stupid” he said finally. “So..so stupid. I used to..” he sighs, his head dropping back and eyes squeezing back in thought. 

“Throw up?” He said like a question, shaking his head quickly. “Like” he looked at me “before I’d…see my boss” in the dim light I could still see his cheeks reddening. I bit my lip gently, leaning over and hugging him silently, my head resting on his chest. “I’m sorry” I said softly and he sighed, setting his water glass down and curling his arm around my frame, rubbing gently. “No.. no that’s not- don’t feel bad” he said softly, his thumb rubbing soothing strokes in to the middle of my back. 

I gently shook my head against his chest. “Carmen…” I said softly. “This… this monster…” I said softly and looked up at him, cupping his cheek honestly. “He makes you sick Carmen…what…what he did to you- whatever he did…he creates a panic response in you, baby.” I rub my thumb along the stubble of his jaw that was already peaking out before first light. 

He swallows thickly, drinking in every word I was saying. “He…he…” I look at the floor, trying to find my words. “He instilled that voice in you” I said, my lip quivering slightly and he put his thumb to my lips gently to stop the motion. “What? What voice, honey?” He asked softly. 

I giggled into his finger, still slightly wine-drunk. “Your inner-saboteur. Just like Ru-Paul says” I gently nibble his finger, causing him to really laugh. “My inner-saboteur” he repeated with a smile. “Yes” I said gently and kissed his forehead. “Let him go, Carm, fuck that guy! Fuck your inner-saboteur. I’m still a tad bit drunk, but c’mon- brush your nasty throw-up teeth” I said teasingly and giggle, resting my forehead on his and gazing into his icy blue eyes. 

“And come back to bed, I’ll introduce you to Drag Race tomorrow”  I said softly, pecking his lips tenderly. “Okay?” I gaze into his eyes, looking for agreement. “Okay…” he said softly, a smirk adorning his lips. 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·...·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·...·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..

I wake up to the feeling of Persephone jetting off my right thigh like an Olympic-launching pad at the sound of my alarm going off, soothing chirping birds filling the bedroom from my hatch alarm clock Sadie’s Parents had gotten me as a housewarming gift. I groan softly at the reverberating pain in my thigh muscle from her sudden attack, reaching down and soothing the ache with a slow rub from my hand. 

Carmen was draped around me, his arm tucked protectively around my waist and his prominent nose nuzzled in my neck, the feeling of short, hot breaths hitting my shoulder at an even pace. I gently leaned over, tapping the top of the clock that was slowly getting brighter, so it stopped its cry of awakening, 

I rubbed my face tiredly before I gently pried Carmys sleeping fingers off of my waist, slowly getting up off of the mattress, so as to not wake him. My t-shirt brushed just below my lower cheeks, goosebumps crawling up my legs from the chilly apartment air. I nuzzled my feet into my pink bear-claw slippers, and quietly shuffled out to the kitchen, silently pulling the bedroom door shut behind me.

 I sighed tiredly, stretching my back and arms just at the end of the hall, moaning softly at the blood rushing to my muscles at the action. “Mmhmm” I mumbled at Sephy hungry cries, scratching my scalp in a sleepy haze. 

“Comin’ babygirl” I muttered softly, shuffling out to the kitchen and opening the cabinet, I pulled out a tin full of wet food and cracked it open with my forefinger, taking out a spoon from the drawer. She meowed impatiently, causing my tired eyes to roll up involuntarily.

“Persephone” I muttered, tired but stern. “Jesus Christ should I call ASPCA?” I joked, taking a spoon out of the draw and nudging it closed with my hip quickly before spooning half the can in the bowl and chopping it up half-hazardly, before setting it on the floor with a clink. She dove in, eating like she’d been starved. 

I put a pod in my Nespresso machine, and rested my chin in my hand as my latte brewed, scrolling through my ‘For You’ page, sending a few videos to Sadie that made me stifle a laugh so as to not wake Carm. I opened my fridge, pouring some half and half in to my cup that I’d already filled with ice before pouring my espresso over the top and mixing it up before sealing the lid. 

I shuffled over to the couch, sitting down and continuing to scroll through videos as I sipped my latte. By the time I’d finished it, Persephone was sitting on the cat tree grooming herself in the morning light and the clock read 8:32. I got up, going over to my record player and shuffled through my selection of records, settling on Ctrl by SZA that Syd had gotten me. I bit my lip gently, thinking of her. 

I really hope she wasn’t mad at me…for too long. Thinking back on the conversations she had with us about her ‘boss’ who I now knew was Carm, he could be a serious asshole and he…emotionally led her on in a way? And they never explicitly mentioned their feelings but it sounds like there definitely was feelings..My thoughts are broken by the static of the record as it switches to the next song and Love Galore starts playing. 

I did my usual routine of walking around, pulling open my blinds to let the light in before heading to the kitchen to make breakfast. I washed Sephys bowl and set it on the small drying rack before setting a pan on the stove to heat. I opened the fridge, resting my hands on my hips, and realizing I have no idea what Carmen eats- if he eats breakfast. It’s a Saturday though…I settle on the safe options of eggs and toast. 

I popped 4 pieces of bread into the toaster, humming along to Doves in The Wind while I cracked 4 eggs into a glass measuring cup and whisking them with a fork. I added a little bit of garlic salt and pepper, mixing it again before dropping some butter in the pan and letting it melt. I got out 2 of my pink heart shaped plates and set them down in preparation, before pouring the eggs in the pan. It was quick to scramble so I put the toaster down, and I was shuffling over to the table just as the bedroom door opened. 

Carm genuinely looked refreshed. The bags under his eyes were mostly gone, and his eyes didn’t look red and exhausted. I look over at the clock, 9:22. “Good Morning, Chef. I hope scrambled eggs and butter toast is acceptable? With jelly of course” I went over, clicking off my record player that had stopped spinning a few minutes prior.  “You made breakfast?” He asked, looking over to the table. 

It took all of my strength to keep a casual face at his deep, husky morning voice. “Mmhmm!” I hum and come back to the table and he followed. “Coffee?” I ask and he nods “thank you- wow. I can’t remember the last time I.. actually ate in the morning. What time?-“ he looks over to the stove and his eyebrows raise. “Shit.” He snorts. “I guess your bed was comfortable” he sits. 

I smirk proudly “well I’m glad you’ve enjoyed your stay so far at Winnie’s bed and breakfast” I said and went to the kitchen, opening my cabinet and smiling wide at the perfect mug for him to use. I set it down on the counter, “cream?” I asked opening the fridge. “Yes, What are you cheesin’ about?” He teased and I giggle “somethin’ - just wait” I took out the cream and set it on the counter and popped in an americano pod. 

“Oh! Forks! Sorry. Forgot my meds this morning. Let me go do that” he chuckles as I quickly shuffled off. I go in to the bathroom and took my medications with a handful of sink water before coming back and seeing his coffee was done. “Perfect!” I took it out, putting cream in. “Sugar?” I asked and he shook his head “no” he said and I stirred the coffee, putting the spoon in the sink. 

I carefully come over, covering the art on the mug until I set it down in front of him with a giggle. “A Bear mug for Bear and it has a cute, true saying, ‘A hug a day keeps the lonelies away’ “ I giggled. “See that one’s me,” I point to the smaller one, “and that’s you,” I pointed to the bigger one “cause’ you give teddy-bear hugs” I smiled. He looks up at me, his blue eyes sparkling in the morning light, an adorable smirk on his face. 

“You…” he starts and shakes his head, pulling me into his lap and I giggle, wrapping my arms around his neck loosely to steady myself. He kisses all over my face, causing giggles to involuntarily fall from my lips and my eyes to squeeze shut at the quick short pecks that tickled like butterflies, my heart fluttering the same way in my chest. “Are so fucking cute” he hugs me close and I giggled, wrapping my arms around him. 

“Thank you” he kissed my neck sweetly before releasing me and I got up. “Wow, an ambush, I do take payment in kisses but warn me so I can count!” I joked, sitting down in my seat and he rolled his eyes playfully, a pink blush adorning his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. “Forks!” I said and he laughed, shaking his head again. 

“Does that happen all the time?” He asked and I nod, heading over to the drawer and grabbing 2 forks. “Yup. It’s worse if I don’t have my meds” I put his fork in front of him. “Hope it’s ok” I said and sit down “no- this is…this is great Winnie, thank you really” he said taking a bite and nodding. “5 stars Chef” he said and I laughed before taking a bite of mine. 

“Mmhmm totally I’m coming for your spot! Better get worried these eggs’ll put you out of business” I joked and he snorted, taking a sip of his coffee. “Mm- I think Starbucks should be a little scared” he teased and I giggle a bit, nibbling on my toast. “That’s all Nespresso that thing is amazing” 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·...·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·...·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..

When we finished breakfast, Carm takes our plates and his mug over to the sink and starts washing them, along with the pan I’d used. “Wow…he cooks and cleans? You sure you aren’t taken already?” I joked, wiping down the table with a Lysol wipe. He chuckled “nope, haven’t gotten any serious offers” he joked back with a smile. 

“Did you wanna see my little library craft room thing?” I asked, throwing the wipe away in the garbage. He puts the now clean dishes on the drying rack. “Course, what do you…craft?” He asked, following me to the second bedroom and I opened the door. “Oh..lots of things. I sew,crochet,read, make jewelry, I paint sometimes” I shrugged and he looked around at all the half finished projects. 

“This is cute” he hummed, picking up a half finished star and moon granny square blanket off the back of my pink desk chair. “Oh! That’s for Syd’s birthday!! She’s such an astrology girl, it's one of those things we can talk about forever.” I smiled and he nods a bit. “Why haven’t you ever come around more? The uh- the restaurant” He asked as he looked over the intricate stitches and I shrugged, picking up stray crochet needles scattered on my desk and putting them in the little drawer where they belonged. 

“Oh.. well Sadie and I - it’s kinda fancy for one thing, and umm..we don’t like people and it’s been busy for months “ I laugh a bit “fancy huh?” He teased, setting the blanket back down and walking over to the wall of pictures I had next to my overflowing bookshelf. “It has been pretty busy” he said as he gazed over the different memories of girls trips Sadie and I had taken as well as pictures of nights out with Syd. 

“Also as you can probably tell- Sadie and I do not belong in a cool fancy place like that” I giggled and he shook his head rolling his eyes playfully with a smile. “I don’t either but it’s what brings the business right?” He looked over the books. “Damn, you read a lot” he said and I giggled. “Mmhmm! Work at a bookstore” I said and he pulled one of my most well loved books out, “this one of your slutty books?” He teased and I roll my eyes. 

“Ha.ha. No- this is an amazing book, you’re saying you’ve never read this book?” I took it from his hands. “My brother gave it to me” I said and flipped to the second blank page where ‘From Chris To Twinnie’ was scribbled in his chicken scratch handwriting. His eyebrows raised. “Oh…no- no. Never heard of it.” He said and my jaw dropped. “Never heard of The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane” I scoff a big smile coming to my face. 

“Okay, so, now I see” I nod, holding the book to my chest with a teasing smirk on my face. “See what?” He asked “I see why you…I dunno” I shrug. “Don’t like to have fun “ I poke his chest and he scoffs. “I have fun I am totally fun!! Are you saying I’m boring?” He asks, slightly offended and I laugh. “No! I’m saying that… the whole point of this book is that life, our journey to self discovery is useless if you have no intention of loving or being loved.” He raised his eyebrows before starting to laugh. 

“A rabbit said that?” He questioned and I shook my head “no he learned it. C’mon let me do skincare on you and read it you’ll love it” I said and he blushed a bit. “Why do I have bad skin?” He joked with a teasing smile. “No you have nice skin but let me take care of it” I said and led him to the bathroom by his hand, getting out my face wash “wash your face with this” I said and turned the water on warm, and grabbed a clean face towel from the cabinet with embroidered strawberries on the hem. “dry your face with this” I instructed. 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·...·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·...·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..

I gently put on the sparkly under eye patches under Carm’s eyes and he scrunched his nose adorably. “The fuckin’ hell why do you do this” he muttered “feels like a slug” he said causing me to giggle “oh my god such a boy. This will make your pretty blue eyes much more noticeable without all the darkness from never sleeping” I gently smoothed them out, booping his nose with the tip of my finger when I was done. 

“Mm whatever you say this is Winnie’s Salon after all” he says and I tut “no! This is Winnie’s beauty parlor. I'm not cutting your hair today” I said and his eyes fluttered open, looking up at me with a small smile. “They look pretty on you” he said, causing me to blush. “You’re a big flirt” I gently played with his hair and his eyes fluttered back shut, humming softly in satisfaction. “Did you want me to read to you?” I asked and his smile grew. 

“Please. It’s been a long time actually, I’m excited to hear about this rabbit” he said and I grab the book from next to us, opening to the first page and starting. 

“Chapter One” 

By the end of the first page, he was glancing up at me, watching me speak each word and smiling slightly when I did slightly different voices for each character. At the end of the first chapter, I close the book and he pouts a bit. “What? No keep going, that was getting cute…she loves that bunny” he said and I giggle. “Yes she does, if you want to hear the next chapter you have to come see me again. Plus, I’m getting hungry” 

I peeled his eye patches off, gently rubbing in the remnants with my ring fingers and he smiled softly. “Mm…you cook breakfast, pamper me, and read to me? I think this is my new hang-out spot for Saturdays” he jokes and I giggle a bit. “Good, so next Saturday you’ll get to see what happens in the next chapter.” I said and he sat up, sitting against the headboard next to me. 

“Sounds like a steal for me” he smiled adorably, his skin still glowing from the serum I’d applied. I looked at his lips, then back at his eyes before straddling his hips and kissing him deeply. He hesitantly moves his hands to my hips and rubs with his thumbs gently. I kiss down his jaw over his stubble to his neck, nipping gently and he groans softly “Winnie” he said, gripping my hip a bit tighter. I gently tug on his ear with my teeth. “I think it’s hot you’re such a talented chef and like when I cook for you” I said softly in his ear, gently tangling his curls in my fingers as I continue to kiss and nip his neck. 

I grind my hips on his and he moaned softly “Winnie.” He said softly, moving his hand to my back “I-i…” he swallowed thickly and I stopped, sitting up and looking at him. “What? Did I..did I do something wrong?” I asked. He shook his head, refusing to meet my eyes. “I-I don’t…we shouldn’t” he rubs over his chin, thinking. 

“Do you…regret last night?” I asked, getting off his lap and sitting crisscross beside him on the bed. He shook his head again “no- god no that was fuckin’ amazing Winnie I-“ he blushed, looking down at his lap. “I’ve uh never…” he cleared his throat, his eyes squeezing shut in embarrassment. “I- I’m surprised I lasted that long with you- a-and…I’ve never done that before..what we did in the shower and I’m still- I’m thinkin’ about it” he swallowed thickly, finally looking at me and I nodded slowly. 

“Okay…I think we should talk more about our sexual experiences” I said and bit my lip. His face goes pale, his mouth opening and closing a few times like he was trying to find the words. “Uh- I” he stuttered. “I’ll go first…what uh- what do you wanna know?” I asked casually and play with the hem of my shirt. “Uh- well..that’s- I don’t… I don’t know a lot” he said quietly, clearly embarrassed by the way his eyes darted away from mine again. 

“Okay so…how about this then. I’ve slept with 24 people, including you. But most of the bulk of those were back home, I’ve slept with you and one other person since I’ve been here, how many have you been with?” I asked and his eyes widen. “Twenty four?” He repeats, his mouth dropping slightly. I scoff “what so guys can sleep with 100 women by the time their 24 but I can’t sleep with 2 people a year over the course of nearly 10 years?!” I asked my tone laced with annoyance. 

He shook his head quickly “no-n-no Winnie no…I’ve….ive slept with less then 8 people…I’ve had sex like…maybe…” he took a deep breath, looking away and swallowing thickly “I don’t- I don’t like this game anymore or- or questions. Or whatever” he said his cheeks going red. I bite back a laugh at the irony of him being so insecure by holding my tongue between my teeth and I gently touch his bicep. “Look at me” I said softly and he shook his head inching away from my touch a bit. 

“Carmen. When I said no one has made me cum like that- I mean it. I was fully seeing stars bro I was shaking Carm.” I laughed and he looked over, eyebrows raising. “You really meant that?” He asked and I roll my eyes playfully. “I wasn’t even gonna fuck you a second ago I was gonna suck your dick because I’m sore. Literally yes you’re amazing Carmen you’re so fucking hot.” I said and he bit his lip, looking at his lap. 

“But I can’t…like- when…when we were in the shower” he muttered “that was-“ he swallowed thickly “I’ve never…I’ve never had sex in the shower before and-“ he sighs deeply. “I don’t want to get attached.” He looks at me finally, and I was silent for a moment, my brain filing through all the possible things he could mean. I settled on the safest response that would have the least possible chance of rejection. “Like- you don’t want tooo…” I questioned and he raised his eyebrows waiting for me to continue. 

“To get attatched to fucking me on your days off?” I question and he rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “Winnie” he muttered, slightly annoyed. “That’s not what I mean Y’know that” he said and I bit my lip. “Tell me what you mean then, Carmen” I said and he looked up at me. He stared at me for what felt like forever, studying me, my features, I tried my best to decipher what was going on behind his eyes but only a week of knowing each other I was rolling blanks. 

“I don’t want to get attached to this. Winnie, to you. I don’t want to do this, we can’t do this.” He shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest and the small change in body language felt like an ocean of distance was suddenly created between us emotionally. My mouth suddenly felt dry, and my throat was growing an enormous lump. “Why” I finally choke out and he looks back at me. “Because I told you, Winnie, I’m not boyfriend material. What this” he motions between the 2 of us “Is, can’t keep going like this. Fuckin’ cuddling and shit..” 

I felt like I wanted to burst out into tears, not more than 20 minutes ago he was dreamily looking up at me while I read to him and now he was telling me that he won’t allow himself to be around me, and relax. “Oh” I scoff, my eyes narrowing and crossing my arms over my own chest. 

“You are such a little baby,” I said and his eyebrows furrow, “what?” He asked. “A little fucking. Baby.” I repeat myself and he blinks a few times, “What the fuck do you mean?” He asked and I got up. “You are an angry baby, because you realize that I have more experience in the bedroom!” I laugh dryly. “Carmen. You knew what you were getting yourself into. You want this. Look at me, and tell me the last fucking time you relaxed on your day off? Hm?” I raise my eyebrows, shrugging and waiting for an answer. 

“You don’t fucking know me, Winnie” he scoffs. “I don’t- I don’t give a fuck that you have more experience than I do. Clearly, it wasn’t with anyone good! Per your fuckin statement 5 minutes ago.” I shook my head. “You’re right! You’re right Carmen. I was begging for your cock- and you wanna know something? You loved it. You were pussy drunk, Carmen, you- you are just so fucking obsessed with depriving yourself of joy, of pleasure that instead of allowing yourself to fuck me you’d rather be in your apartment all alone and cum in your hand? Fine. Have fun” I shrugged, motioning to the bedroom door. 

He sat there, jaw dropped. “You-“ he closed his eyes in shock, shaking his head as he digested what I just said to him. “You are so-“ he sighed, looking at me and his eyes flicker to my chest. I smirk, “fuck. Im gonna fucking hate myself this week. C’mere” he said and I knelt on the bed, straddling him once more and kissing him deeply. I pushed him back on the bed roughly. “Tell me you don’t want me” I said and peel off my shirt, exposing my breasts and already peaked nipples shining with their little black studs, already hardened due the adrenaline coursing through me. 

“Fuck off Winnie you know I fucking want you” he grabs my breast, playing with my nipple gently and I bit my lip. “I haven’t even showed you half of what I can do- and you’re gonna throw the towel so soon?” I rest my palms on his shoulders for leverage as I ground into his hips, the friction causing his eyes to flutter shut and his head to fall back onto the pillow in a low whimper. 

“N-no- no you’re right. You’re right Winnie fuck” he moaned, gently tugging at my jewelry causing me to gasp in pleasure. I kiss him hard, circling my hips into his at a torturously slow pace causing him to whimper and groan into my mouth which made a small smile come to my lips. I pulled away slightly, our lips barely an inch away. 

“Do you want me to suck your cock?” My eyes flutter to his, my hips completely still. His breath quivers “yes” he said barely above a whisper. “Tell me, say it, Carmy. What do you want?” I ask and kiss his neck tenderly. “I-I want you t-to” he swallows thickly when I nip at the tender spot below his ear. “I want you to suck my cock” he said, eyes fluttering shut and cheeks going red. I smirk, happy with the admission, but still unsatisfied with the way he was denying himself. 

“Okay baby, since you asked so nice, like such a good boy” I said, his lip tugging between his teeth and

I kissed down his chest, his abs tightening when I made my way over them, my tongue dragging slowly down the divot in the middle. He watches me with hooded eyes, hands gripping the sheets so tightly his knuckles were turning white, his chest raising up and down deeply at a quick rate as he watches me worship him. 

I straddle his calves, gently rubbing his fully hardened length through his sweatpants and he whines softly “please-please Winnie” he breathed impatiently. I smirked, my hands rubbing long teasing strokes up and down his thighs. “Do you really want me to suck your cock, Carmen?” I asked and he swallows thickly. “Winnie” he wined, looking away and his cheeks heating. 

I stopped touching him and my hands raised to my breasts, gently palming and squeezing them before playing with my hard nipples and my head dropping back as I moaned. “You don’t want me, baby?” I asked and his hand traveled to his pants and I stopped him, grabbing his wrist. “Do you want me Carmen?” I asked, taking his hand and putting his forefinger and ring finger in my mouth, my tongue swirling around them and hollowing my cheeks at the base of his hand. 

He bit his lip harshly as I did so. “So so fucking bad.” He said softly, I pulled off his fingers with a ‘pop’ and tugged him out of his boxers, leaning down and spitting the puddle of saliva I had collected in my mouth while sucking on his fingers and pump his length with the wetness, twisting and getting it all wet. “Holy fucking shit” he mumbled, a moan falling from his lips and his head falling back momentarily but he was quick to put his eyes back on me. 

“Does that feel good baby?” I ask sweetly, my thumb brushing over his tip. He nods “shit- yes s-so good baby” his abs clenched in pleasure as I slowly dragged my thumb over his slit teasingly. “Mmm the noises you make are so sexy baby I love it” my other hand dances around his stomach, my nails brushing the toned skin causing him to shiver slightly. 

“Oh you adorable thing” I said and leaned down, kissing his tip gently and his head drops back, a breathy moan falling from his lips, his knee jerking slightly under me. I stuck out my tongue, slowly licking his tip from the back of my throat all the way to the tip of my tongue, flicking it teasingly causing him to whimper beautifully. “You have such a nice cock baby” I praised, pumping him slowly, twisting my hand how I knew he liked based on the way his stomach would tense when I did it repeatedly. 

I look up at him, his cheeks, bright red, curls stuck to his forehead in sweat, “do you like it when I tug harder” I did so and he whines “or softer?” I went back to my original firmness and he breathed out, I could tell no one had really ever given him this kind of attention during a blow job before- so I was relishing in the fact that no matter if he did claim to hate himself this week, every time he came after a long day it would be at the thought of me. So I’m pulling out every stop, every theatric - I’m going to make this magical. 

I was already fucking him dumb and I had barely used my mouth yet. We had a lot of work to do, to mold him into the kind of partner I knew he yearned to be. And whether we continued to pretend to be ‘friends with benefits’ while he learned, or he decided he wanted more- I didn’t care. Because I knew this man wanted to dominate, and I was dedicated to getting it out of him. 

When I got no verbal response my hand stopped moving and I gently tap the head of his cock against my tongue getting his attention. “Words.” I said softly, smiling sweetly as I waited for a response. “Hard. H-hard. Please.” He said and I continued as he requested and he grunts “fuck yes…mmm twist baby like-“ he moans louder when I oblige. “Yes. Yes.” he breathed and I smirked, moving my hand faster. 

“Good boy, I love it when you tell me what feels good” I said and my hand that was on his stomach travels to his v-line, my forefinger soothingly stroking as I took his tip in my mouth, he lets out the hottest noise between a moan and a cry that I’d heard a man make, before I heard the sounds of the fabric beginning to give beneath his death grip. I pulled my lips off and stopped my hand from jacking him off, taking my hand off his stomach and pulling my hair out of the bun it was in. 

His eyes shot open as soon as I stopped, a small gasp tumbling from his lips as my tight curly bangs fell over my forehead, when they were blown out they were the 80s look I loved to achieve with my hair- but my bangs were extra curly naturally since they weren’t weighed down like the rest of my hair and I’d gotten it wet last night. I pushed it off my shoulders, taking his hand and putting it on my head. “Go as hard as you want. I’ll squeeze you twice if it’s too much.” I said and started again before he could reply. 

He whined hotly as I took him down inch by inch until he was lightly hitting the back of my throat, he was mostly just stroking the back of my head but when he felt me swallow around his tip it was like something in him flicked on. He grips the back of my hair “f-fuck- god do that again- fuck do it again Winnie” he said, pushing my head down gently. I closed my eyes, saying a silent and quick prayer to every god ever that I’d fully digested my breakfast, and that my gag reflex had gotten much better since trying to train it with my toothbrush before bed the past few years. 

I took a deep breath, before fully relaxing my throat and pushing his tip past my tastebuds and I gently stroke his thighs, more to soothe myself that I could do it, before pushing deeper. He cries out, moaning what sounded more like a pleasured growl, his fingers tugging my hair lightly. I knew I had to stop pushing before I either hurt myself or actually gag and embarrass myself. I swallowed around him slowly, my throat fluttering around him for a few moments. 

I feel his muscles all tense beneath me, his abs tightened, stomach clenched, fingers digging into my scalp, eyes screwed shut, veins protruding in his neck. He would be cumming in the next few seconds so - I stopped. I pull off, sitting up, a string of saliva pulling from his cock to my lips as I did so. My lips swollen, jaw sore, chin and neck slick with saliva. I smirked as he gasps, his orgasm flowing away like dandelion seeds in the breeze and he looked at me, his pupils blown with lust. 

“W-why. Why did you stop?” He asked, he almost sounded angry. I shrug, “do you deserve to cum, Carm? You you deserve to feel good?” My fingers dance around his stomach and v line causing goosebumps to appear on his skin and his cock twitches, aching to be touched. “Please Winnie, fucking- let me finish” he grumbled, looking at the ceiling. 

“Let you” I scoff. “Do you even think you deserve that. Carmen? Hm? Put enough hours in this week? Plan enough new catering orders?” I taunt, goading him into showing me any thread of dominance in him I could tug on. He looks at me, his eyes darkening “suck my fucking cock. Winnie.” he ordered and I smirk. “Ooo, making demands now, I only serve those who deserve it” I drag my forefinger from his balls to his tip, smiling at the reaction of his stomach clenching and cock jumping in a twitch. 

“I deserve it” he grumbled, not meeting my eyes. “Hm?” I hum, ghosting my hand around his cock but not gripping it. “I said I fucking deserve it” he looks into my eyes as he said it. I lean down taking him back in my mouth and he sighs in relief, I pump the bottom half of his length as I take him back into my throat. It was barely 2 minutes of him spilling profanity, muttering my name, whines and moans, and only swallowing around him 2 times before I felt him fully tense up again, and an enormous load shot down the back of my throat, so much that I had to swallow 2 times after pulling off of him to get it all down.  

“Holy shit” I laugh taking a deep breath and he was laid there, trying to catch his breath “sorry” he said between breaths, eyes blissfully shut and cheeks flushed as well as his chest from his release. “No its…it’s fine just. Holy shit. You just dumped a generation down my throat” I joked and he laughs lightly.  

I quickly fix his boxers and laid next to him after pulling my shirt back on. “How the fuck did you do that?” He asked and I shrug a bit, pushing my hair behind my shoulders. “Dunno. Just tried it. Glad you like it though. How’d it feel?” I asked and he blushed, averting my gaze shyly. “Uh…” he furrows his eyebrows thinking. “Kinda like…your pussy but … like way tighter, and harder if that makes sense.” He looked back at me and I giggle. 

“Hm…ok. It was kinda cool, also really hot, also pretty freaky- when I went to wipe my chin, my hand touched my throat and I felt your dick like…” I giggle, covering my mouth at his shocked expression. “Holy fuck that’s hot” he said and I nod. “Felt weird. I’ll have you feel it next time” I said and yawned a bit, sitting up. 

“I’m gonna brush my teeth then you wanna nap?” I asked and he nodded “I’m not sure why- we’ve done basically nothing but I’m exhausted.” He said and rubs his face. I shrugged, “just your body catching up while it can on rest. I’ll be back.” I said and padded off to the bathroom. 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

[wachtelspinat]

Hey ! I’ve been seeing your art going around since your midnight crew stuff and I just recently stubble across your tumblr, thank to your beautiful overwatch art for our beloveds junkers ! I’ve been scrolling through your account and read about your experience of being a former graphic designer who is a doctor now. And damn. I can’t emphasize how much I admire you, especially as someone who is struggling really hard to choose between 2 careers paths ( with one of them being art related ). This is why I was wondering if you would be open to talk about how and why you switched from art to medecine ? Especially because most of the time I feel it happens more the other way around ? ( If it’s too personal just ignore this ask + sorry if you already talked about it before )

hey ! no worries, i don't expect ppl to scroll through my tumblr to find an answer for a question they might have. first of all thanks for your nice words, means a lot <3

i switched from art to medicine because my early 20-something-self was even more anxiety-ridden than my present-self, and being in art school and having to "perform" regularly was a nightmare. i'm talking about a time in which i was so scared of being perceived that i often skipped grocery shopping, just so i could avoid being around people. so like, pitching art related projects to peers and profs was eeh... especially because art is so personal oh my god. i still hate it when someone tries to sneak a peek while i'm drawing, makes me wanna throw my sketchbook and myself off the bridge. anyways so i always felt a 110% inadequate (plus i got a gf during that time who was so good to me and tried to get me out of my funk on multiple occasions (she was and still is an artist and has now a career as a freelancer and i'm rly proud of her) but i couldn't see that because i just compared the two of us all the time and sabotaged any attempt she made for having fun with drawing with her) that i sat down at some point and asked myself if i could do this any longer, and i came to the conclusion that no, it really kills me rn.

what made me go into the health sector? i don't even know anymore, i think it was a mixture of "i loved biology, esp. the human body in school" and "my mum is an icu nurse and talks a lot about hospitals, maybe i should check it out"... it was not a well thought through decision, which is so funny because studying medicine was a hell of a meatgrinder ride (also my anxiety and self hatred? still there, but now i wasn't judged anymore because of my art but instead being called a dumb idiot collectively with all the other students because nobody likes med students) and for some reason i was able to get through that despite it not being my passion at all, but i couldn't stand up for myself in art school. i don't even know if i could work through it nowadays, but the good thing is i don't have to ask myself this question anymore, because being a doctor pays the bills, and ever since i left art school i was able to just draw without consequence. which is nice to a degree, my artistic output is not tied to the means of generating money. on the other hand... idk, in another life with more confidence and less worries, i'd love to be some sort of character designer T_T

so yeah that's basically it. at some times i cherished my career decisions, at other times i regretted them deeply, worst thing is i know it has a lot to do with personality, but the fact that we can't change who we are with a blink of an eye gives me the framework to think that the path i took was ok. as in. things happened for a reason and maybe i'm just not cut out for that kind of work. you have to be aware of the conditions of a job to decide if you are up for it. because being an artist doesn't end with "just draw". i myself had an unrealistic view of the job back then too. and the fact that i could not seperate between personal aspects and "doing a job here" was crucial.

yeah, idk if this is helpful at all. i think the one thing that is super important here is to have a realistic view on the conditions of work you are about to head into, and i know this is mostly very difficult to aquire. because unless you really work in a sector there is often no way to fully grasp the situations you can find yourself in (this applied for me also in the health sector, which made me fall into a depression a year ago, but what do you do after you spent 6 years of studying :') ). doing internships and just trying to get to know a lot of things really helps. and - idk how old you are, but if you're really young: it's ok to switch careers at some point. it's even ok to do so when you are older (trying to end on a positive note here because it feels like i just said a lot of depressing things... like don't get me wrong i like my job, the conditions are just fucked up, and again my personality prevents me from switching again but it's also not that easy in germany, BUT it's a valid thing to do, being versatile is good! just... make sure you don't end up with a job that you absolutely hate because that kills it all)

[georgegraphys]

I understand that some people might think marketability and popularity is important for George's career growth

But in my opinion and from my experience, that should be the last of the concerns you have. Why? Let me explain it (not so) briefly

We all know that everyone wants to be popular (not a wicked reference) but the important thing people often forgot is sustainability and longevity. You don't want to be a one hit wonder whose tiktok account blows up in a year, hits 30M followers and the next following years you only have 10k likes at the very most. You don't want that.

When measuring "popularity" and "growth", you don't just mention a random number or judge things from an external POV. You need to look at 100+ different aspects in order to judge things through. I'm giving several reasons as to why George's current popularity growth right now is very positive and you don't need to worry about anything.

1. George's popularity has been consistently growing since his first breakthrough in Sakhir 2020. Last year, according to this article written on December 11th 2023, George recorded 4.9M followers on instagram. As of today (2024/12/28), George has 6.2M followers. A 1.3M growth in less than a year. That is a consistent growth. A good trend going upwards and not downwards. These numbers and growth shows that George is going through an organic natural growth in his popularity as an F1 driver.

This also shows how George EMV is also doing great. First data is George's EMV from 22/23. Second one is George's EMV during the summer break period of 2024.

What is EMV? Earned Media Value represents the equivalent dollar value of exposure gained through non-paid channels, such as social media mentions, reviews, and organic search results. This metric quantifies the impact of word-of-mouth and organic reach in monetary terms.

Look at how he is actually doing very great. Although the reports aren't available for this year yet, I'm 100% sure things will be better this year because the growth for George PR wise is looking very positive and promising

2. Let's talk about priorities. Rather than signing up with random brands, doing disorganized campaigns at once, and signing up with a marketing agency to get the PR done, it would be better for George to have the current organic growth he has rn. Things that are artificial do not last long. Sometimes they do, if George manages to land a good agency that can understand and read him well. But if he doesn't? He might hit the wrong market of people and annoy them.

Mercedes' social media game might be weak. But guess what is not weak? Their sponsors. Currently, George hits 96 PR schedules done for Mercedes in 2024. Throughout these 96 schedules, sponsors such as Tommy Hilfiger, Ritz Carlton, Puma, Marriott, Mercedes Benz, and many more had pushed the publicity so hard through partnering with popular media partners such as Elle, HYPEBEAST, Esquire, L'Officiel Hommes, HIGHSNOBIETY, GQ, Dazed, Forbes, Prestige, DMARGE, Vogue, and many more. If you read these articles, click on their link, search George Russell's name on any platform, click the link to his instagram/posts on these articles, etc, all of that contributes to his EMV and engagement growth. There is a glaring difference between the contents put out by the sponsors last year and this year. With the excellent performance George had this year, the sponsors are also eager to push his stories out to the media, creating partnerships, and publicity for him. What they're doing right now exceeds my OG expectation because slowly but surely they are pairing George up with top media!

I know that some are itching to see George partnering with brands/companies outside of the Mercedes sponsor list. Some might also think that continuously partnering with the same 10 sponsors on the circle of the team's sponsor can be a sign of weakness. But I disagree. Why? Because these "partnering with the same ol' 10 fellas" move is actually something that is called BUILDING TRUST, EQUITY, AND LOYALTY. The more trust George and these team sponsors have the more George is going to be pushed by them and the more other brands are going to notice his marketability and try to snatch him for competitions. More trust can also result in the brand including George to external non-F1 related sponsorship campaigns. This is a very positive one as it allows George to be naturally introduced to a new market, gain more fans, more marketability and engagement, and eventually? the general public and other brands' attention

Here, i'm going to make an example out of George and his campaigns with Puma.

In March 2022, George became a Brand Ambassador of Puma.

From here, he does a lot of schedules for Puma, but only motorsport related.

We all know George's 2022 campaign was positive, allowing him to gain popularity through his success. Puma starts pushing him to another market. Puma Football. He attends the 2022/2023 UEFA Champions League

Let's use our logic but not the "george never watch football live" logic. Let's make it make sense and have a certain significance in it.

If George was not invited by Puma, he wouldn't have worn that fancy suit and have his father and brother all suited up too and walk down the blue carpet, and get interviewed by several football media. Like why the hassle? He was obviously invited.

By who? PUMA. Why? Because one of the finalists of the 22/23 Champions League, Manchester City is sponsored by none other than Puma! And one of Manchester City's player, Jack Grealish is a Puma ambassador. Hence, why we got a picture of George with Jack posted.

Moving on from the Champions League and onto the present timeline, Puma releases a new football boot in collaboration with F1 technology, Puma Ultra 5 Carbon

George was on the promotional line up alongside ManCity's Bobb, Liverpool's Gakpo, AC Milan's Pulisic, Barça Femeni's Rolfo, and Bayern's Coman.

He was the only F1 driver featured in Puma Football posts doing videos about the boots. I'm taking three as an example

Back to the question, why is this relevant? Notice how in Coman's video, George was the most mentioned name in the questions they ask to Coman. This is actually a soft marketing to introduce the name George Russell through repetition from a video to a new market that is the football fans whose faves are wearing Puma's team kit, is an ambassador of Puma, is a fan of Kingsley Coman/FC Bayern München, and general football fans. He is an F1 driver whose videos are featured in a football brand page. Who follows the brand? Football fans of course.

If you still don't get it, Puma basically started off with George as an ambassador to Puma in the Motorsport division specifically. But as time went on and his F1 campaign in 2022 went well which impacts his popularity, Puma starts to think of using George as a "bridge" connecting Puma Football and Puma Motorsport. First, they subtly partner him with Manchester City through the UCL invite and through the link up with their ambassador, Jack Grealish. Next? They are including him in the promotional line up of a football boot launch which includes several other notable names in football. And that's how Puma used George as their go-to guy to link up their F1 and Football business. Maybe one day, George can get the invitation to other Puma partners' football matches. Could be Borussia Dortmund, Al Hilal, AC Milan, and others.

You see how these link ups work slowly but surely as George builds trust, loyalty, and connection to the brand? Yes. That is what is more important than linking up with as many brands as possible but developing 0 loyalty and 0 relationships with them. It makes you weak, vulnerable, and replaceable. One's image could fade if they continue doing that. Because it portrays them as someone with zero sense of personality and loyalty. That is what is important.

And this is something I hope people do not get pessimistic over the fact that "oh no George is only partnering with team sponsors!". No Miranda No. These sponsors have branches everywhere. Puma has branches. Tommy is under PVH who also has Calvin Klein as their sister company. Ritz Carlton and Marriott Bonvoy have sister hotel chains like St. Regis, BVLGARI, Westin, Sheraton, and many others. If George can build a good connection with these brands and those connections will eventually lead him to be trusted by parent companies, it would open his opportunities to bigger ones. And it could also be an advantage if he gets included in partnerships like how he is included in Puma Football partnerships. They can introduce him to a whole different market of fans just like Puma did him to football fans. It could be Hollywood or even the K-Pop industry and many more. And to add, collaborations with notable names in these respective industries can also create a halo effect for George in the eyes of those figures' fans. A good reputation could be built and they can get to know him, even if it's just his name or a curious search on who George Russell is.

Another important advantage to remember is that these good connections and well-built relationships can help George retain good relationships with these brands even if one day they stop sponsoring Mercedes. They can still employ him individually that way and it will be so beneficial for him.

Lastly, I just want to say again and again, please stop viewing the world from a dense point of view of "numbers". Numbers are not always an accurate portrayal of certain things. Those numbers needed to be interpreted too and have other aspects included in it. Big numbers don't always equal good numbers. I promise you, you will not want George to collaborate with 10 different brands and be someone with 0 personality and end up with 0 connection and relevance to any brand. A title of "brand ambassador" even if it's just ONE brand has more weight than just being an invited guest of random brands. A brand ambassador title gives you value. Allows you to become the muse of a certain campaign. Being a guest don't. It doesn't give you stability and longevity. It's better to maintain good and stable relationships with a small amount of brand rather than being someone of no importance and is just another replaceable figure to 100 brands.

The process of building these loyalty and trust is long but patience will be repaid when the time is right. George's current growth and his ongoing connection with all of Mercedes' sponsors are positive and promising. Maintaining that relationship and connection is the priority. What is not a priority is running to a marketing agency, asking them to create a fake artificial publicity, and asking them to plant you to a market. It is not sustainable and just because you see people get successful off it doesn't mean the same formula works on others. Yes, it does help you get popularity fast. But your popularity will fall as fast as it rises. Patience is the key.

[imaginespazzi]

Ok bestie, anon who followed up on Amoore reporting back as requested ha. I should say we are on a similar page, her & Kitley are very tough to get a read on. And a lot of the online chatter agrees its hard to judge and goes back and forth on whether theres something more going on. For those interested, I suggest watching their youtube ch series for a general sense of them interacting. Entertaining and light vids, not overly long. Really just little things between them here & there that add up. And of course a person can review their socials..

Now onto the tea I came across online. Imperfectly summarized the best I can below. (Allow me to stipulate that I have no way of verifying any of this, so please understand Im not at all sharing any of this to be presented as true or false. Take it as simply passing along the posting of others for conversations sake here in a safe space. Comments/feedback/corrections welcome)

:

Its described as on/off thing, first beginning summer 2020. A VT insider says people are aware that Amoore hasnt been committed, to put it delicately/nicely. Leading most recently to a break of sorts last Dec-mid Jan. (Added pretty sure they are together rn though. And another person did point out if Liz was getting cheated on why would Georgia seem to maintain a good relationship with the Kitley family, which is a fair Q to pose). But notably, a strangely long break in their podcast took place over that period and for the first time in 3 years they didn’t spend XMas together or hang around each other over the holiday and when podcast recording returned they just said “we had Xmas” and didn’t talk about it. It was also pointed out that sometime in winter, Liz had tickets to see an NHL game and went w Cayla King despite her and Georgia talking about how they wanted to go together before. Only sus bc it happened to coincide w the time where Georgia was speculated to have gotten close to Kate Martin. Then suddenly they K & G werent interacting anymore and L & G seem back to being “besties”.

Sidenotes:

Liz’s "2020 love playlist"… apparently someone has screenshots that it used to be titled Georgia. Includes some fav bands/songs of Amoores. And a tune called Australia Street lol. Lots of love songs predictably, but some breakup songs were added to it at one point (the comment seems to insinuate during the time they were going through issues)

They're friends with a married lesbian couple (Youtubers/influencers? The Bellaires) who they once visited alone.

Also, fyi, Kate Martin is apparently recently back w her last ex, whoever that is - per talk re social media activity

You're my new favorite person omg because this is my kinda tea fr! Can y'all tell I love some good gossip?

I'm ngl, I was never the most invested in V-Tech or the girls on the team, so I don't really follow them. And I was pretty convinced Liz was straight so I just assumed her and Georgia really were just really close besties.

But this checks out with what I've heard/read too, that they were in that "undefined" kinda place, mainly because of Georgia and eventually Liz got tired of it. I definitely didn't know about the Christmas or the NHL stuff but that makes sense. Also from what I heard, they were probably done for good now with Liz going to the draft? But still being together also makes sense. I'm so invested in this now omg.

[inky-tries-her-best]

Redbubble did somethin' shitty!

For my Christmas gift this year, Redbubble has decided to implement a change that negatively affects me and other small artists/shops!

I'd like to tell you something that could help you make informed decisions about whether you want to use Redbubble.

If you could please signalboost to spread the word among small artists, I'd appreciate it greatly.

I don't usually ask for engagment, but I think this is something small artists like me need to know!!!

Like many artists who can't afford to run their own shop, I use a Print on Demand service. In my case, it's Redbubble. They have low margins and poor discoverability, but I knew that going in and agreed to it, so it's ok.

What I'm not okay with, however, is the fact they've removed the yearly payouts. Redbubble usually pays artists once/month if they have a balance of 20$ or greater

Because I'm a small artist, I've never made that.

Fear not, I still got paid, through the yearly payouts. In January, they'd give artists with more than 2$ in their account their yearly earnings. Last year, I got paid 16 euro.

This month, however, they changed their policy to remove the yearly payouts. I have an account balance of about $4 RN, and they won't send those to me in January.

They announced this in December 2024, after nearly a full year since the last payout.

I understand that as a platform, they're allowed to change their policy, but if I'd known that earlier, I would've discontinued my shop in 2024 after the January payout. I didn't know. I couldn't have known, they announced it THIS MONTH, after I'd already used Redbubble for all of 2024!

Now I can only get paid if I build up a balance of $20.

I'd leave the platform for 2025, but I still want to be paid for my 2024 earnings, which I can only do by getting the $20 balance.

At this rate, it'll take anywhere between 2 and 5 years. I'm a small artist, it's HARD to get traffic!

Redbubble says they've stopped doing the yearly payouts because it's harder to do them, as they mean doing many more payouts in January than any other month.

They have their reasons, but this is a change that negatively affects small artists no matter how you cut it. They're throwing small artists under the bus!

It's easier/cheaper/more manageable for them to reduce the process time and organization by screwing small artists who don't make them a lot of money!

I can't fight Redbubble (AND I DON'T WANT TO, GOD), but this is an upsetting change as a small artist. If they'd announced it at the beginning of the year, I could've simply dropped the platform and not lose any money.

Now I can either bite the bullet, stop, and forever lose my 2024 earnings, or I have to use the platform for multiple years to build up the balance.

I've decided I'll continue the shop for a limited time only, until I build the 20$ balance for a payout. Once I get that, I will close it.

So if you'd be so kind as to have a browse over the stuff at my redbubble and get any if you like it while it's still available, I'd appreciate it lots. ♥️

I want small artists to know about this change, and that it can impact them negatively. I think RB is perfectly within their right to do this, but I also think small artists deserve to know that they've proven they'll make changes which can screw them over with little notice!!

I won't ever judge anyone for choosing to use RB, ofc, but I want small artists to go in knowing that has happened and other things may change in the future like this too.

I def wish someone would've told me this was a possibility, I wouldn't have used RB if I'd known! That's all, tysm.

[gwaaaaar]

MazM Metamorphosis thoughts

mazm look away im gonna be saying some shit.

SO. I haven't finished the game yet unlike hns which i speedran in 3 days oops. But im getting through it when i do remember.

For starters let's do some positives. I know I'll be getting... pretty negative soon, so I'll at least be nice at first.

Good art! This is one of the first MazM games which maha and crack haven't worked on. I MISS THEM!!! But the new artist, martin isn't half bad at all! I think their art is super charming. They have good shapes and expressions. Something really cool MazM did with the art style was having the metamorphosis episodes translate the irl characters into a sketchier art style to illustrate the fact that its a story. Its really creative and brings some uniqueness to it. The cg cards are in a goregous messy sketchy style thatnreally shows the turmoil in Kafkas heart I love it so much. So not lacking in that department.

Nowwww I don't know how much I can judge historical fiction/rpf. I always function under a basis of as long as its respectful (especially considering it's Kafka... poor dude went through a lot) that it's fine. So far I think its quite alright. The portrayal of emotional abuse is really chilling. Honestly scared the shit outta me... good writing. Ill come back later to this once I'm done.

Nowwwww for my negatives...

You can tell mazm lost half their employees . Adyu (the animator) left the team in janurary. They did all the chibi sprites and live 2d rigging in previous games so all the characters movements are bc of them. If they don't have an animator they can't do the chibi world things they did in previous games. People complained abt mazm games lack of gameplay before but this takes it to a new level. They made do with what they had in a visual novel format but I just don't think it's as engaging as what they had before. Especially considering the fact that we don't have diverging options. Lessa Checkmate is in a similar format but I recall they mentioned it had multiple endings and alternate forms of gameplay involving chess iirc. Which is a fair compromise. But here it just feels a bit empty without extra gameplay. Like. It's ridiculous seeing the Kafka sprite just lie in bed or have a desk in front of him thats like a wide piece of wood. Theyre not animated properly like the Hyde and Seek live 2d. Which is a damn shame! Martin did such a wonderful job on the art and it should have been brought to life by good animations.

I understand MazMs going through reforms and shit rn, but we had it good with jnh/poto/pechka that was PEAK. HNS/pechka was actually on top and while Thy Creature lacked in plot, everything else is really incredibly like the lore and worldbuilding and the characters. If MazM works on dracula, id rather it be a thy creature than a metamorphosis.

[lunarhobbits]

misc sweeney hcs

(disclaimer. i am new-ish here and have no idea how popular/prevalent any of these are go easy on me ok. also a lot of these are dadben related wh o o p s)

i've seen some variance of if this is canon in fics and stuff but i really do like the idea of the barkers also living above the pie shop in addition to the barbershop being there. similar situation w the pie shop/lovett living quarters. ig it's just easier to picture in my head then????

(p sure the b*rton film confirms smth like this but i'm ignoring it bc i don't like that guy. this idea is mine now)

part of the reason i like this so much is it means that benjamin barker had all the more time to have lovely moments with lucy and johanna when he wasn't busy with clients

(this also makes sweeney returning there without them all the more painful. if he sits and doesn't do anything then he's flooded by memories of the life he had in those same walls fifteen years ago. like no wonder sweeney's so bent out of shape by being forced to wait for the judge and the beadle to come to him)

johanna had only JUST started walking when ben was transported. he was so excited and happy and loved to try and assist her, encouraging her to take steps holding his hands. chattering away about her with any customer that would listen, perhaps even showing her off ("look at my jo! she's such a fine girl!" "i'm sure she is, mr. barker, but could you please finish shaving me?")

he bought johanna a little lacy bonnet when she was a week old. she didn't need something so fancy at such a young age, and lucy had already sewn her a few bonnets months prior. it wasn't the most sound financial decision he ever made. but oh, his girl just had to have it, and it's a little big, she could grow into it! (lucy admits she looks very cute with it on, even though she says johanna doesn't need it)

(the bonnet is left forgotten in a drawer somewhere for years, until sweeney opens that particular drawer and finds it gathering dust upon his return. he feels sick seeing it, reminding him again how much he missed. then he puts it back and refuses to give it any mind.)

nellie lovett was infuriated by lucy barker in that way that you can't quite pinpoint why you're mad other than they're "too perfect" or "too pretty" or something. ofc there was the fact she was married to ben, but i think there was a little "get out of my school" energy going on there too

idk exactly how lucy ended up on the street (or in bedlam, as lovett says in the finale) but i do think that nellie was, sadly, at least complicit in inaction to stop this from happening (if not having thrown her out herself)

anthony is the sweetest dude around and genuinely loves johanna. doesn't matter that he barely knows her when he says he'd marry her, he knows that he's going to be happy as long as she is

johanna loves him too, and she's surprised by it. not because of anything to do with anthony, but because she's felt so little real love in her life (that she can remember). it's a wonderful and frightening rush looking at him, sometimes, but then he squeezes her hand, or does something silly, or even just sneezes or clears his throat and she's brought back down to reality, in a good way. that anthony is real, and human like her. she doesn't have to "earn" his love by being utterly perfect.

they get out of london basically as soon as they can, just wanting to leave it all behind, at least for a while

it took a little time and arguing but anthony did end up getting a good sum of money from the judge's death, through johanna's inheritance going to her husband (him). they immediately used this money to finance travel. they both love to travel, anthony promising to show her the beauty of the world that, still, cannot rival her in his eyes

this is all i got that's coherent rn really lol. anyway here you go sweeney todd fans who liked/reblogged my post haha @demonbarberofbeepbeep @captains-clever-goose @little-lovett @fabulousairpirate @funnygirlthatbelle

[sos717]

Heyy I wanna ask u something, why lot of non dualisme bloggers seems Soo strict about it ? I mean ik desiring etc it's just ego thing ik that and nothing is real etc ik that , but what's wrong with wanting to experience something else? Like what I'm experiencing rn it's is what it's is cuz I'm aware about it , but what if I want to be aware about something else? It's still no real but it's bad to wants a new character?? Like just to have fun in my human experience!! Is that bad ? Cuz they're claiming that it's still desiring etc even I'm not desiring and I'm Soo detached to the point that I lost myself and my life I couldn't feel any bad for any suggestion I gone through but this making me lose fun and joy , I want to have passion to experience fun and joy again!!! And even now I'm not where I want to be cuz I can't experience myself like I want, I don't have freedom in somethings, what I don't find it fair is they are claiming that it's desiring and it's ego thing etc , meanwhile themselves charged Thier dr to dr , like just by being aware, what I'm trying to say is that ok that nothing Worth it but that doesn't mean that I need to lose joy in my human experience!!! Right? It's Soo easy for them to be like u don't need to change anything or accept it as it's is when they're in comfortable position to start with , again I'm not judging and idk what going on in others lives, again sorry I talked loooot I hope u can help me I will appreciate it , and tbh I found it easy what u talk about etc I'm new to your blog but I feel like u trying to make it easy to understand Wich I really appreciate it 💞💞

Hey there! I think allot of people think that knowing what is, also means they have to abide by it in any and every case. I think this entire illusions purpose is the experience. Doesn’t matter if all of this is no-thing or hollow, it won’t be disappearing just because we understand the true nature of existence. So with that in mind I find it, personally, useless to not want to enjoy what we can. The “human experience” is beautiful. We shouldn’t be backing away from realizing and experience that is enjoyable because why should we? Why should someone have to put up with something that puts them down or debilitates them? I truly don’t like the direction allot these bloggers go sometimes when someone is talking to them for advice about being depressed or it being hard to overcome something and they turn into a 2 sentence horror story robot with vague pointers. 😭 dropping something like “there is no one suffering” and that’s it, like girl we get itttt…. But a feeling though illusory and labeled by self, still is an experience, and if someone doesn’t want to feel like that 24-7 why shouldn’t we give them more concise information about what a though it or a feeling and what we’re capable of doing in regards to well, disregarding the feeling, etc. anyways I rambled for a while lol, thank you for the compliments you guys are genuinly so nice, I feel grateful to have such a good community going.