#don't get me wrong - I'm never mean or angry with them. I just get somewhat annoyed and I know it's noticeable and I hate that

[running-in-the-dark]

my niece is staying with us for the whole weekend for the first time. until now it's always been one night only, not two.

it's the second night now and I have already decided this is not happening again anytime soon. I'm so fucking exhausted. it'd be less exhausting if it was my nephew, I think - he's older and also doesn't need as much help (even when he was her age).

I love my niece but she just asks so many questions. like when we're watching a show or a movie, even if it's one she has seen before (even multiple times), she doesn't understand what's going on and constantly asks me to explain everything. I don't mind it, really, but it does take a lot of energy. plus tonight it took over two hours for her to fall asleep because she was scared by the noises of the house and the nearby road. I get it, but damn I'm so fucking tired, I just want to sleep 😭

[drunkkara]

God I'm so annoyed by both Eddie defenders AND Eddie haters rn

On one hand, Eddie is grieving just like Buck is and they're not talking about it so yes it's going to explode and I think we should give Eddie the same grace we give Athena and use Karen's words "you're grieving so fair can mind it's damn business"

On the other hand, this isn't an isolating incident, Eddie has been a lot meaner to Buck this season than he has ever been since the infamous grocery store fight and some of it was even before Bobby's death so we can't just blame it on his grief. And it's been established that Eddie has anger issues and he usually takes responsibility for it and tries to rectify it but with Buck, Buck usually is the one to apologize and actually say the words "I'm sorry" and Eddie doesn't. Did he call himself a dick and bring Christopher to cheer Buck up? Yes and tbh I don't think that's very nefarious like ppl are making it out to be. It's his own way of apologizing. But does that mean it's an actual apology? No. And in this instance they really needed to apologize and talk about it since the whole reason Eddie got mad at Buck in the first place was that Buck wasn't talking about it

Can Eddie be super unhealthy and prone to get angry and mean? Yes! Just as Buck can be unhealthy too. Can aspects of Buck's and Eddie's friendship be unhealthy and toxic? Also yes but on BOTH sides. Now, do I think Eddie emotionally hurts Buck more than Buck emotionally hurts Eddie and that their relationship is unbalanced? Yeah I do

HOWEVER, does that make Eddie abusive? Absolutely not!! Fuck off with that bullshit!

Eddie has never been physical with someone since the fight club when he was at one of his lowest points and almost killed a dude and realized he doesn't want to be that guy. Also, that was, somewhat, a controlled environment where there were two consenting adults fighting.

It really rubs me the wrong way how people are calling a Latino man abusive and violent (when that's a REALLY racist stereotype) but then some in turn want a white man (Tommy) to threaten violence on him bc of that. Like y'all do you hear yourselves????

Also out of the two, Buck has been the one to (unintentionally) physically hurt Eddie (but y'all aren't ready for that conversation yet)

Anyways, Eddie Diaz is a flawed human (like every single character on this damn show) who I still love very much and there are things that have been REALLY irritating about his character lately that I desperately need them to address and have him grow more (mainly his anger issues and how he treats and invalidates Buck). Both statements aren't mutually exclusive.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk

[juniperpyre]

Please could you help explain why and how you feel Lily and James got together initially, then stayed together? I couldn't decide what she'd see in him enough to date or to marry. My hope is to give them thoughtful validation as a couple.

good question!

so one, there's a lot of space for us to fill this in. canonically, all we see of james and lily together is SWM and then photos of them. we know they were head boy and girl and we know they joined the order.

in SWM we see they both have a bit of a mean streak (lily's insults aren't morally wrong but like, unnecessary.) and can be quite cold when angry. until something Really pisses them off.

we could also think they have some similar humor, since lily almost smiles at sev getting robes'd. moreover, lily focuses on james rather than sirius, or talking to severus. she uses really poor de-escalation techniques lmao. to me, that demonstrates an attraction on her side. a pull

that's my general view of what is directly stated or heavily implied in canon.

i think people go too logical when explaining lily's desire for james. like every step or the journey needs to make sense and be morally correct. maybe she just wanted him. maybe his intelligence and humor and loyalty to his friends was attractive, and they had chemistry, and she just wanted him.

details under the cut

so she denies this for a while, bc of sev, and then bc of her pride, but it's there, and bc of their natural connection, they're drawn together frequently. esp in the 6th year, when lily stops hanging out with sev.

like haven't you ever just wanted someone bad? unexplainable. but it's there and it's strong. haven't you ever fucked someone and it was so good that you were like, dizzy for three days after? like i imagine jily had that level of chemistry. and lily, who would feel so alone and isolated, unsafe, and abandoned now has this attractive, demonstrably loyal, protective, and magically gifted, athletic, funny man who wants to be with her, and give her everything he believes a man should give a woman he's with. which, since james is an Honorable, Chivalrous Gryffindor, means protecting her, doting on her, worshipping at her feet basically, while also being confident and a leader and not a pushover.

yes, he can be cruel, but she sees the cruelty directed at people who've hurt her and her friends. yes, he's pigheaded, but he is smarter and more talented than most of their classmates. and he always takes her mind and abilities seriously. he's never cruel to her, and, as he grows older (6th year) i think he stops being cruel to people weaker than him. i think once james became a teenager he def was not cruel to girls, and that he wouldn't go after students more than a year or two younger than him. he has a code of honor.

i imagine he took being head boy seriously, bc it gave him the power to make hogwarts somewhat safer for vulnerable students, which he thought was important.

i think lily knew by the end of their sixth year that she would be safe with him, on top of the attraction and compatibility they already had. what more could someone ask for?

the summer after 5th year i imagine james spend a lot of time talking to his dad about the bad things that happened that year, james' own guilt he'd been pushing down, and how he wanted to be a man like his father but was worried, and now, for the first time admits that he might not be good enough.

so i think james just works on himself. severus never worked on becoming a better person and owned up to his mistakes (while lily lived). most people don't, really. i think that summer was a low point for lily, and i think in her 6th year she continued to lash out at and test her friends.

she did lash out at james, and james reacted with guilt and shame for what he'd done. it shocked lily. i think james was really patient with her. he was used to sirius, who i'm sure what behaving worse due to he trauma that caused him to leave his house and leaving his whole family behind in general. sirius had space to heal w james and his parents, and james understood that people need love and safety to heal.

so he tried to give lily that! as a friend! as a part of his own growth!

and they learned about each other through the process. james learned some harsh truths of being muggleborn. lily got a reframing of sev vs marauders. and eventually they were both a safe place for each other. i see them as a slowly, then all at once kind of couple. they really fell in love before they dated, because after they became friends and started to form a close, deep bond, the love came. little touches, always being oriented towards the other, remembering schedules, laughing at their bad jokes. and then they spend the summer of 77 together, mostly.

on james' side, i think seeing a beautiful, vivacious, talented girl and slowly working to charm her is like, his mo. he likes a challenge. they both like to argue. and as they get to know each other and he sees. the complexity of loving lily he adores her even more. figuring out little things to make her life better becomes a challenge, and she likes to withhold and be difficult, for the fun of it, and sometimes out of fear. james likes both parts. bc he loves to win and he loves to be the space person for her.

i think lily also offers this blend of compassion, kindness, and honesty that appeals to james. his parents are too soft and sirius doesn't care to have in-depth complex convos about feelings, at least not often. lily enjoys helping him work through the feelings, and being an emotional rock for him. i think he offers something similar, but more like a resting place. i think seeing this side of james also makes lily fall deep in love w him.

so yea that's it :)

[bedoballoons]

Thank you so much for this idea @harerusspreadablewaffle I hope you enjoy it!! Sorry it took so long to get it written!!

─⊰⁠⊹ฺ🎃𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤⊰⁠⊹ฺ🎃

{༻~Where have you gone~༺}

CW: Angsty with comfort at the end!! Reader thinks the character has left them! Mentions of past arguments!

Part one: Character thinks reader left them

(Includes: Itto, Tighnari, Kaeya and Aether!)

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𑁍༄Itto:

You covered your face with a blanket, trying to hide the tears that soaked the pillow under your head and the way your breath got caught up in your sobs everytime you tried to calm down. You didn't even know how a slight disagreement...had spiraled so far out of control.

SLAM

You almost jumped out of your skin, hearing the front door shut so harshly almost made your blood run cold...had Itto...had he just left you? Would he come back? Your mind raced with worries, breaths coming out even shorter than before and heart trembling with fear. You didn't know what to do, to leave him to his own devices and hoped he returned or go after him and try everything to convince him to come back?

You pulled the blanket around yourself even tighter and slowly made your way to the door...you didn't know how long you'd sat there... how many hours it took from midday to turn to midnight...or even when you started to fall asleep. All you knew is when you woke up, you were nicely tucked into bed with Ittos strong arms around you and a vase of fresh picked wildflowers right before your eyes alongside a small badly written note.

I'm sorry

𑁍༄Tighnari:

You fell to your knees in defeat...watching through puffy red tear stained eyes as Tighnari walked out the door, leaving you in the middle of the floor with nothing but arguments and worries that ate away at you, regrets and all of your harsh words flooding through your heart. All of the things he'd said...you knew they weren't true and he did too, but you were both so angry that things kept slipping out before you could stop them...now you weren't even sure if he'd come back.

"I-im sorry..." You whispered inbetween laboured breaths, trying desperately to stop the panick attack that was creeping up on you but failing miserably. You just didn't know what to do, how do you fix it? You just couldn't do it...you curled up into a ball on the floor, telling yourself it was going to be okay over and over...untill eventually the door opened again...

"What...what are you doing?"

"T-trying to c-c-calm down."

"Awe no...I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left, I just needed some time to...agh it doesn't matter. Here let me help." Tighnari leaned down helping you off the floor...but not letting go once you were standing, he felt terrible...leaving you like that. "Im so sorry..."

𑁍༄Kaeya:

You weren't sure where you were going, what was pulling you away from your home and down the quiet streets of Mondstat, all the way till you reached the bar. It looked somewhat gloomy at night...and even though you'd walked all the way to it, you felt like it would be wrong to go inside...to actually see him and try to speak to him after all you'd both said to each other.

You didn't even truly know if it's where he was...if he'd even want anything to with you, but you had to try....try to convince him not to leave forever.

"Oh...didn't expect to see you here..."

You spun around, shocked to see Kaeya not far from you... especially in such a state. He looked even worse then you had after the argument, his eyes were puffy and red, and you could smell the wine on his breath, he'd looked like he'd probably just spilled his guts to the bartender...who was most likely Diluc. "I-i wanted to stop you from leaving...I don't...I don't want our relationship to end just because of what we said, I didn't mean any of it..."

He smiled slightly, taking a couple uneven steps in your direction until he was only about a foot away, "I never had any plans of leaving, *hic* what I said was in no way true...and I know you didn't mean it either. Just n-needed to clear my head,...but I'll always come back for you in the end."

𑁍༄Aether:

"Aether?" You poked your head out of your room, hoping to see him on the couch...talk to him about what had happened, apologize and hope he apologized too, but all that sat atop the cushions was a misshaped pillow and blanket, both of which you swore hadn't moved since you threw them there. "Aether...I just...I'm sorry for all the yelling and what happened, I was really upset and I said things I shouldn't have...but you did too and I think we should talk about it....Aether?"

You looked around the house for him, realizing rather quickly...that he was no where inside. It was like one of your worst nightmares had come true...he'd left you. It was like you stopped breathing for a second just so you could process what was happening, yes the fight had been bad but not so bad he'd never return right? He hadn't left forever...

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Your hands started to shake, tears welling up in your eyes all over again...untill you noticed the shadow outside.

You threw on the nearest coat and hurried out the front door...relief washing over you the second you spotted Aether. He looked like he hadn't slept all night...and you could tell he was cold from sitting on the porch for so long, but for now what mattered most...was fixing things, "Aether I'm so sor-"

He pulled you into a tight embrace, rubbing your back softly and kissing the top of your head to say it was all okay...he wasn't upset with you anymore, "I'm sorry too...none of those things are worth hurting what we have. I love you...and I promise, I won't ever let my emotions get the better of me again."

◥(•̀￦•́)◤☪︎ ִ ࣪𖤐 ☾𖤓~Have a nice day~*⁠.⁠✧

[funnyburneracct]

Hi, I'm Xiao/burningrqs. this post is going to be long. Posting this from a burner so that it doesn't go down the drain when we deactivate.

But essentially, this is an apology to the radqueer community for multiple different things. I'm going to do my best to type this out as well as possible, and I apologize if I miss anything or word things poorly. I am going to explain myself to the best of my abilities, but please keep in mind that my explanations do not excuse my actions by any means.

Post under the cut.

for those who don't want to read it though, TL;DR: I was a complete asshole and I'm genuinely very sorry about it.

So, I want to start off by apologizing in general for the "burning radqueers" thing. Not only was it just not funny, but it was also really weird. I know damn well that if I saw someone pop up with a "burningmogais" blog or something, I would be pissed. So I don't know what made me think that running burningradqueers was a good idea in any sense.

My rude and dehumanizing comments did not help. Regardless of how I view people, what disorders I have, or how symptoms present themselves, it was disgusting of me to act as though I can't be held accountable for my cruelty towards others.

The targeted posts were even worse, and allowing people to just pick a random blog to "burn" was teetering on harassment. It put the user in front of so many people who clearly did not have good intentions towards them, and inherently put the user being "burnt" in danger. I wish I noticed that fact sooner. Even if I disagreed with people or didn't like them for whatever reason, I still should not have felt as though I had the right to post stuff like that.

Adding onto that, I should have never used my ASPD as an excuse for anything. I tend to get defensive when I feel insulted, which is what happened, and I decided to bite back despite being in the wrong. I acted impulsively and out of pure anger, and then tried to defend it, which I shouldn't have. When saying the kinds of things I did, I am open to criticism whether I like that fact or not, and trying to act as though I am immune to that criticism because of a disorder was disgusting on my part.

Another thing, somewhat on a similar note, is that an apology is owed for my hostility in general. Every time it was even lightly suggested I was wrong, I seemed to lash out and get angry. This really just comes down to me needing to learn to admit my wrongs. I should not have made my inability to understand my wrongdoings anyone else's problem.

Then there's also the things I said when I lashed out before deciding to drop burningradqueers entirely. I don't fully remember all of what I said as the event happened during an episode (this does not excuse my words at all by the way. regardless of my state at the time, what I said wasn't okay and should not be excused) and the posts have since been deleted. But, I do remember at one point making harassment out to be a competition of sorts when someone was simply trying to calmly explain to my why the namedropping was not a good move. I can't for the life of me remember why I did that, but I am very sorry about it. A lot of people in the radqueer community have been harassed (and likely do still get harassed constantly), and for me to act like I am the only victim of harassment was wrong on multiple levels.

I'm sure there was a lot of bad stuff I said during that episode, but as I said, I do not remember most of it. I'm sorry that I can't apologize for the specific things I said, but I am apologizing for the situation as a whole.

The entire thing started over me not being able to handle much deserved criticism, and I stood "my ground" despite having absolutely no ground to stand on.

I started burningradqueers over baseless hatred. I didn't know why I was supposed to hate radqueers, or what I was even really hating. I joined the anti community thinking that it is much easier to just move with the pack and hate what everyone else seems to hate, but hatred really isn't that easy. It's exhausting. And realizing how much the anti community really wouldn't want me if I was honest about things made me realize that. Realizing that there are so many antis who would rather see us suffer forever due to dysphoria than see us live happily after getting amputations was rough, and honestly kinda gave me a taste of what radqueers have to deal with every single day, and it felt horrible.

Without realizing it, I managed to do so much damage to a community full of people who deal with exactly the same things I do, a community that is mostly traumatized and mentally ill people who are just trying to get by. Not even just that, but genuinely just people trying to exist and be honest about themselves.

It is not my place to dictate what is and isn't valid in terms of someone's personal identity, and even more, it's not okay for me to treat a whole community like garbage just because I didn't understand it.

Again, I do not want my actions to be excused. I treated people horribly and was a total dick, but I hope that me apologizing can at least make some of you feel better about how I behaved.

[ghcstao3]

I am back at it with sleeptalking!Soap because why not!

Anyways, Soap's sleep talking stops being so much of an issue for Ghost after a while. Part of it is he just becomes used to his lover spouting nonsense in his sleep, and the other part is because hearing Johnny talking, even while asleep, is so comforting because it means they're both alive.

Ghost just loves hearing Soap's voice at night; somewhat gruffer than normal due to his sleeping state, but still proof that they both made it another day, that Simon made it another day.

But then Soap realizes he's only ever talked in his sleep with Ghost. He's only ever gotten sleep so deep it allows him to start talking in his sleep when he's with Simon. He only ever sleeps like this when his Simon is wrapped around him because "Johnny~, you're so warm and I'm so cold~"

And it's a nice revelation for them both, despite neither sharing their sentiments about Soap's nightly one-sided conversations. So it becomes their little secret, something for them to hold and share together to remind them of how far they've come.

At least, it is that way for a while. And then the one mission happens and Soap falls asleep during exfil.

The actual exfil isn't even a one-way ticket out. They first have to spend several hours cramped in a truck with the rest of the team and their friends from Las Almas. But still, it isn't the worst and allows some recovery time before making it back to base. Soap and Ghost had spent a couple of days straight trapped in a rather awful situation, and the truck was roomy enough to allow the two to curl up together in a small corner of their own and drift off to the dull rumble of the truck.

Except Soap is the only one able to fall asleep, and judging by the way he forces himself into Ghost's side in his sleep, it's clear he was very tired indeed. So what if Ghost and Soap never actually openly addressed their relationship to Alejandro and Rudy? Ghost knew that they knew and he was too tired to do anything but wrap his arms around his sergeant.

And what no one expects, especially not Ghost, is that Soap will in fact be so tired and will fall in such a deep sleep, he begins to mumble. Incoherent mumblings at first, with a few Gaelic phrases thrown in here and there, nothing too much but still warrants confused and mildly concerned glances from Alejandro, mostly. Gaz offers at least one side-eye at the snoozing Scot, but is too tired to be concerned.

But then the one-sided conversation starts as Soap sweetly nestles further into Simon's neck. And suddenly the atmosphere inside the truck is incredibly awkward. Ghost can't even muster a dark enough glare to dissuade the others from staring; he's too busy trying not to laugh.

"No, yer wrong. Clearly's got himself a whole fuckin' bakery." Soap's first coherent sentence of the night. Not quite enough to rattle everyone, but enough to earn him a few confused glances that don't last long.

"It's nae even close. He'd out cake yer cake any day." Now that? That earned a couple of lingering, very confused stares. Even Ghost couldn't help but look down at the peacefully sleeping Soap and think 'what the fuck' to himself.

"Just admit yer jealous of me and move on, Garrick!" Soap's angry little outburst actually elicited a couple of nervous laughs from some of the others, and Ghost was extremely tempted to wake him. He only decided against it because fucking hell, even though they weren't alone and this was supposed to be their secret, Soap hadn't slept in a couple of days and he deserved such deep slumber. Besides, it's actually incredibly rare for Ghost to hear Soap address any specific person during his sleep rants. Not to mention the awkward half laugh that escaped Gaz at the mention of his name was too good to ignore.

"Yes yeh are jealous! Yer jealous cause I get all the cake!" Chaos. Gaz leaning into Price, absolutely wheezing from trying not to laugh so as to let Soap stay asleep. Alejandro dropping his head down and practically falling into Rudy's lap with a silent laugh. Price and Rudy both letting out small chuckles and snorts. And Ghost? Man's is shaking from how hard he's trying not to laugh. Why his love was arguing with his friend about cake in his dream is beyond Ghost, but by god is it hilarious.

"Yeh could just ask him, Gaz. It's nae even mah cake, it's Simon's." Soap mumbles, a frown drawing on his sleeping face. Ghost matches Gaz's wheeze as they exchange confused, yet amused glances.

"Aye, ah ken we're datin' but there's no shame in asking. I dinnae blame yeh, why'd ya think I liked him in the first place?" Everyone has mostly calmed since apparently in Soap's dream world, Simon must make some really good baked goods.

"Ah know, Gaz! It was the fuckin' thigh straps tha' got me. Just the icin' on top of the cake, yeh ken?" If Ghost wasn't so busy trying not to laugh loud and hard enough to startle Soap awake, he would've been much more concerned for Gaz. The second the statement left Soap's mouth, Gaz let out a rather inhuman wheeze as he collapsed to the floor of the truck. Alejandro is back on Rudy's lap, loud laughs only slightly muffled.

Unfortunately for them, Soap begins to stir at the sudden uptick in commotion, as Gaz remains curled on the floor laughing his ass off. Even Rudy had hidden his face in Alejandro's shoulder to hide the tears of laughter. Price attempts to check on Gaz but is laughing too hard to be effective.

And Ghost, well let's just say Soap was okay being woken up by laughter. It was genuine belly-aching laughter coming from his Ghost, his Simon, whom probably hasn't laughed so hard in his entire life. Soap, of course, is incredibly confused as to what the fuck was so funny it was making Ghost choke from laughing too hard.

"Wha's so funny?" Soap slurs, sleep still clinging to him. Ghost can only wheeze in response, hugging Soap closely in an attempt to show he does love him despite what they are laughing at. Ghost even has to remove his mask and wipe the tears that have now begun to make his eye-black run.

"Do you remember your dream, Love?" Simon asks in between giggles. Soap slowly shakes his head, as he normally did when asked this question. Ghost can only laugh again as red floods Soap's ears as he realizes he must've been talking in his sleep.

"I didn't know I wanted your cake so bad, Lt." Gaz finally manages to say, causing Alejandro to let out the most startling high pitched laugh anyone has ever heard. Ghost snorts and laughs so hard he ends up coughing again, yet Soap isn't really paying attention. He's too focused on the beautiful way Simon's face lights up with laughter, the way his cheeks redden and emphasize the scars that litter his face.

And then he processes Gaz's words, and suddenly his entire neck is red with embarrassment. He hides in Ghost's neck again, to which the elder can only keep laughing.

Safe to say, Soap is only okay with the others knowing he sleep-talks simply because it let him witness the most beautiful thing on earth: Simon Riley's full belly laugh.

(This somehow turned into laugh headcanons for the 141 and Los Vaqueros, idk how that happened??? I can make an official post about it because, as someone with a very weird laugh, it's nice to see people depict them with silly goofy laughs like normal people)

Also this was soo much longer than I originally anticipated??? Sorry??

don’t apologize!! i loved this!! soap defending his bf’s ass in his sleep is so silly

also i would love to see a laugh hcs post that would be so fun

[anxious-witch]

So a continuation of this soulmate poly! JO au

So! Again, this is not my usual high quality stuff, isn't beta read or edited and I have been feeling kinda eh about writing lately so...yeah. Be warned before going into it. But so many of your wanted some sort of conclusion so I had to give you one. I hope it's at least somewhat satisfying.

This needed a warning for vomitting not the last one my bad, also TW for Bojan's general low self esteem

Bojan wasn't feeling well. And it wasn't only because he was hungover from the whole spiked drink yesterday. No. It was also due to the fact that now they all knew that he was their fifth soulmate.

He woke up surrounded by three of them. Jure was curled around his right side, with Kris' arm thrown over both him and Bojan. Bojan was snuggled in Jan's chest and Jan's hand protectively hovered over his head.

Nace was probably already up. Bojan laid there fir a moment. Soaking in the warmth. For once, his soulmark didn't ache but instead hummed pleasantly. 

It felt so natural, it was hard to remember why he was so scared of it. 

Then a sudden nausea hit him and he had to practically launch himself from the bed. Jan stirred and sleepily called out to him, but Bojan didn't turn. He ran to the bathroom, just in time to throw up in the toilet.

He wasn't sure how he ended up on his knees and gripping the toilet. He also wasn't sure when Jan joined him by sitting on the floor and rubbing his back. 

Only when he stopped throwing up for more than a few seconds did he lean more into the comforting touch. 

"Aren't you supposed to be angry at me?" Bojan mumbled tiredly.

"Oh, I am furious," Jan said easily, "I just don't see the point of having this conversation until you feel better."

Bojan made a pityful sound, closing his eyes. His head hurt, his stomach hurt, his soulmark ached. He just wanted to die.

"You might as well. I am feeling miserable anyway. We can go for full physical and emotional destruction."

Jan sighed and gently ran his head through Bojan's hair. 

"Kris went to make you tea and Jure to dig out some painkillers. Nace will probably make something to eat when he comes back from his run, if he hasn't already."

Jan scratched his scalp, like he was a dog. It was pleasant though and Bojan couldn't help but let iut a sigh and lean into it. 

"I don't deserve you guys."

The fingers in his hair froze. You said something stupid again, Bojan's mind hissed.

"We'll talk about that too."

"I'm sorry."

Jan continued stroking his hair, but didn't reply. Bojan's soulmarked burned like a brand. He hates you, he hates you, he will never forgive you-

Kris arrived at that moment, taking in their state. His eyes softened as he watched them.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like shit. I don't know if you are asking physically or mentally, but the answer is the same."

Kris crouched down and gently put his hand on Bojan's forehead. His eyes fluttered shut at the gesture.

"You don't have a temperature," he mused, "which means just a bad hangover. You should come back to bed. I bought a bucket if you are sick again. And there is tea and painkillers. Nace is making pancakes too."

Bojan felt a sudden pressure of tears. Why were they all so nice? So considerate? Shouldn't they be yelling and demanding an explanation? He felt like he'd prefer that. It was what he deserved.

"Bojan, hey, what's wrong? Does something hurt?"

Kris gentle voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he realized he was crying. He shook his head and covered him face. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Why wre you all being nice? Why aren't you yelling at me? Why-"

"Shhh." 

Kris hugged him to his chest and Bojan's body shook im his embrace. He kept a litany of apologies through the sobs.

"Jan, go tell Nace to finish pancakes later. I will get Bojan to the bedroom. I think we all need to talk first."

Jan probably nodded, because Bojan heard him get up and step out of the bathroom. Then Kris gently picked him up. Bojan didn't even complain, simply buried his face in Kris' chest. 

He carried him to the bedroom.

"What happened? Is he alright?"

Bojan's heart squeezed at Jure's worried tone, but he didn't feel capable of answering. Which was why he was thankful for Kris.

"I am not sure. He started apologizing and then burst into tears. I think everything is hitting him just now. And you know how the bond can be overwhelming at first."

When he put Bojan on the bed, Jure curled at his back. Bojan reached out with one hand to him. 

And Jure took it, interlacing their fingers. His and Kris' presence calmed him down slightly. Enough for him to stop babbling apologies at least, if not stop crying yet. 

"Oh, Bojan," he heard Nace say from further away. 

Then two more bodies joined the pile. Bojan could recognize each, despite having his face buried in Kris's chest. 

That slowly made him calm down enough to stop the tears and carefully pull back from Kris' chest.

Kris didn't let him go far, gripping his waist when he tried to. Which was ridiculous, because they all surrounded him. He cleared his throat, blood rushing to his cheeks.

“Right. Can we just…get this over with, please?”

“Get it over with?” Jan hissed.

Bojan flinched a bit at his tone, ducking down to hide in Kris’ chest again.

“Jan,” Nace chastised him from somewhere behind his back, “Let's try and do this calmly.”

Jure squeezed his hand and then Jan swore, almost as if someone elbowed him.

“Fine.”

“Bojan, could you sit up, please?” Nace asked.

Did he have much of a choice at this point? Bojan sat up, suddenly much more aware of four pairs of eyes watching him.

He stubbornly stared into his lap.

“Tell us what happened,” Jure urged gently. 

“I was at the bar, I was flirting with a guy. He drugged my drink.”

Jan sighed loudly, but it was Kris who spoke up.

“That's not what we are asking. We want to know why you don't want us.”

That made him snap his head up, staring at Kris in disbelief. Kris, who was biting his lip and looked incredibly close to tears.

“What? I never said that!”

“You made it quite clear.”

Bojan felt as if he'd been slapped. He could take them being angry, or even saying they don't want him anymore, but he couldn't take them thinking he didn't want them.

“That's not true at all! Of course I want you!”

Kris did not look particularly convinced, hunching in on himself. Bojan met Jan's eyes instead.

“Then why didn't you say anything? Jesus, Bojan Kris knows you for a decade.”

“Because by the time I realized, the two of you were already together! And then I couldn't say anything because I thought that if you had each other, why would you want me?”

Jan took in a sharp breath and Kris paled noticeably, but Bojan wasn't done. He turned his eyes to Jure.

“So I kept silent, until Jure came along. And then he fit right in. Not just in the band, but with the two of you. And I thought, fuck, I'm too late. So I didn't say anything again. By the time Nace came into the picture, I-I had no idea what to do. Besides, we all know I would ruin this.”

Jure crossed the distance between them in a second, practically launching himself towards Bojan and pulling him into a hug. 

“Never,” Jure said vehemently.

Bojan felt a sudden wave of love wash over him. It took him a second to realize it wasn't coming from him, but from the Jure's side of the bond.

It was enormous and overwhelming and Bojan was completely unprepared for it. Which made panic seize his chest. 

Then, Nace was there, putting a hand on the back of his neck.

“Breathe. I know it's overwhelming at first, but just breathe through it. Jure, back up a bit he isn't used to the bond yet.”

The sensation eased up a bit, even if Jure didn't let go of him. Bojan took in a shaky breath. 

“Why do you think you'd ruin it?” Kris asked after a moment. 

Feeling their emotions in tandem with their words was new. Even without prying, he could feel hurt and worry from Kris. Bojan realized with a pang that that meant they could feel the turmoil of his emotions, too.

This was exactly what he wanted to spare them from.

“Because of this! I am difficult to deal with. I know all of you know it, because you had to deal with me. But that's different from being in a relationship with me. Kris met like, all of my girlfriends, he can testify.”

Jure's arms tighten against him, paired up with a slight pang of annoyance. Bojan bit his lip to stop himself from apologizing. They should be aware of what they were getting into.

He expected Kris to look angry or maybe defeated, but instead he looked thoughtful. 

“From what I remember of that, the biggest issue was you putting us and the band in general before them. Which wouldn't be a problem here, would it?”

Bojan stared. He never thought of it like that. 

“That's still not a good idea. I am difficult to deal with. You'll get tired of me.”

Jan snorted and Bojan turned to glare. Jan met his gaze calmly.

“Right. Because before this we never took care of you being sick every two to three weeks? Nace didn't calm you when you got panic attacks? Jure and I don't regularly feed you because you are unable to cook more than two meals? Kris doesn't have your schedule memorized and reminds you of what you need to do?”

Bojan felt as if Jan's gaze was burning through him, right into his soul. He ducked his head. Except, Jan reached out and Jure moved, curling at his left so Jan could tilt Bojan's chin up. 

“Look at me.”

So Bojan did, a zing of electricity going down his spine as he did so. Any rational argument he had got thrown outside of the window.

“You borrow our clothes and you cuddle with us and we are all together almost 24/7. Why the fuck would that change if we were in a relationship with you?”

Bojan opened and closed his mouth several times, feeling as if Jan had just knocked out all the cards from his hands. Like all the insecurities that held him back were insignificant in the face of Jan's argument.

His head suddenly started hurting even more and he closed his eyes.

“I don't know.”

“Alright. Postponing the rest of this for later. Bojan, go brush your teeth, we'll bring tea and painkillers in the meantime.”

Leave it to Kris to organize everything in a second. 

“Can't I get a coffee?” Bojan asked, peering at him and pointedly avoiding Jan's gaze.

“After we are sure you won't throw up again. Do you need help getting up?”

Jan finally let go of his chin and Bojan tried not to feel disappointed. He never kissed any of them properly, it was always something for the cameras. 

He wondered what it would be like to kiss them for real. 

That thought scared him enough to jolt him into action and he quickly got up from the bed. Too quickly, since dark spots began to dance in his vision.

Nace swore and reached out to steady him. 

“I'll go with him-”

“No,” Jan interrupted, “you go finish those pancakes. I got him.”

Bojan tensed. It wasn't that he didn't trust Jan, because he did. He trusted all of them with his life. The thing was, Jan seemed the most angry out of all of them and he didn't sugarcoat anything. Bojan wasn't sure how being alone with him would go.

No one protested though, Kris simply exchanged a long look with Jan and then nodded.

Bojan wondered if that simply cane with sharing a bond for so long and then he suddenly felt very, very lonely.

So he didn't protest when Jan took Nace's place and led him to the bathroom. He took his toothbrush and brushed his teeth. Jan walked closer and took his own, so they both brushed their teeth and Bojan tried not to think about how domestic that felt.

That distracted him enough for him not to notice that the toothbrush was the exact same one he had at home until after he finished.

“Since when does Nace have everyone's spare toothbrush?”

“Since we all started dating?”

Bojan started at Jan through the mirror. Jan calmly washed his mouth with water. 

“I haven't been dating you.”

Jan sighed as he stood upright again and put his toothbrush back where it belonged.

“No. But even before the soulmark, you were always considered welcome. I think…on some level we all knew.”

Bojan swallowed against sudden urge to cry again. 

“I should have known. The way you looked when we saw Nace's mark, I-”

“Don't say that. You didn't know because I didn't want you to. It's not your fault.”

Jan gave him a wry smile, shaking his head.

“Isn't it? Maybe if we figured it out sooner, you wouldn't think you were unwanted. For seven years, apparently.”

Jan's emotions were more guarded than Kris’ and yet, Bojan could practically taste the bitterness and hurt pouring from him. 

Bojan couldn't help but reach for him, but as soon as he touched his arm, Jan tensed. 

“I'm sorry. It-it's not your fault, okay? I promise.”

Jan pursed his lips.

“If you say so.”

He stepped closer then closer again, until their chests were almost touching. Jan didn't stop him, but also didn't make any moves towards him, either.

Bojan cupped his face and pressed his lips to his anyway, trying to pour all his mixed feelings into it. Then Jan moved, pinning him back against the sink. Bojan gasped and Jan took that opportunity to deepen the kiss.

There was so much longing in the kiss, Bojan kept trying to pull him closer, making a protesting noise when Jan pulled back.

“This is a bad idea. We need to talk this through first.”

“Oh.”

Jan was probably right. It was not a good idea, especially with the mess of emotions Bojan was feeling. Still, it was difficult not to feel a pang of disappointment. He felt…rejected.

He nodded and hung his head low.

“Fuck. Bojan that isn't-Hey.”

Jan lifted his chin once more and Bojan shivered. Something about the gesture made Bojan feel very small in comparison. 

“I am not rejecting you. This is just because I don't want to take this too far before you feel secure in the bond, okay?”

Bojan swallowed and watched and Jan's eyes traced the movement.

“Okay.”

Jan took in a deep breath and then took a step back. Then he extended his hand out to Bojan.

“Com'on now. The others are waiting.”

Then he was tugged back into the bedroom. Jure and Kris were sitting on the bed and talking quietly, while Nace still didn't return. They went quiet once they entered and Bojan tried not to fidget.

“Don't stop on my account,” he mumbled, trying to get under the covers.

Perhaps he could suffocate himself under the blankets.

“Wait! The painkillers!”

Bojan stopped halfway, and Kris handed his the painkillers and the water. He tried not to make a face at being treated like a child. Firstly Jan with pulling back and now the rest of them eith treating him like he was fragile. They cared and objectively, he was aware he scared them last night.

So he took them and handed the glass back to Kris. Then he got under the covers and buried his face into a pillow.

“Why is he sulking?” Kris asked, directing the question at Jan.

“He kissed me and I said I don't want things to escalate until he feels comfortable with the bond.”

“He wasn't too happy about that, huh?”

Bojan was about to snap at them for talking like he wasn't there, but then another person shuffled under the covers and pulled him closer. Jure.

Jure's emotions were always on the surface and Bojan could feel them much easier than Jan's. There was a sense of deep contentment that he didn't expect.

Jure pressed a kiss into his hair and Bojan felt his annoyance begin to dissipate. Kris shuffled closer and began petting his hair and-yeah, okay, he could get used to that.

He was starting to drift when Nace came back, announcing that the pancakes were done. Bojan groggily got up, rubbing at his eyes.

“You can eat later if you are tired,” Nace said with such a soft look, Bojan felt the need to squirm.

“But I want pancakes,” he protested.

Jan laughed.

“Just let him eat. Maybe that'll wake him up.”

Bojan glared.

“Maybe now I won't go exactly because of that.”

Jan smirked.

“Well good thing we can all carry you then, no?”

“No-”

Nace crossed the room in a few steps and picked him up as if he weighed nothing. Bojan squealed. He knew Nace could pick him up, but actually being picked up was quite different.

He wrapped his arms around Nace's neck, even if he was pretty sure Nace wouldn't drop him.

“Rude,” he mumbled in his neck. 

He was lulled once again into a feeling of contentment that simply radiated from the bond. Was it supposed to feel like that? Did it always feel like that for them? 

Nace gently dropped him in a chair at the dining table. Bojan absent mindedly reached for the pancakes while the others all took their seats.

“Does it always feel like that? The bond, I mean.”

Kris cocked his head.

“How does it feel?”

“Content. Calming. Like…things clicked in place.”

Kris’ gaze softened. 

“Not quite. There was always something missing. Like the connection flowed between the four of us and then it just…hit a wall.”

“Oh.”

Bojan fidgeted with his knife before anxiously taking the jam and smearing it over the pancake. He wasn't sure what to say.

“We have been waiting for you,” Nace added softly.

And this, this was exactly what Bojan wanted to avoid. He covered his face, willing himself not to cry again.

“This is why I didn't say anything. I don't-I can't complete you.”

“You already do.”

He began shaking his head, but then Kris was gently pulling his hands away from his face.

“We already acted like you are a part of this relationship, excluding kissing and sex. You already cuddle and steal all of our clothes. You hate being alone so you are in one of our apartments half the time. You already act like you are our boyfriend, this is just a confirmation you belong with us.”

Bojan felt speechless again. So he did one thing he could think about at that moment. He kissed him.

This kiss was much softer than the one he shared with Jan. Kris kissed almost hesitantly, as if not believing he was real. When Bojan tried to press harder, someone cleared their throat and Kris pulled away.

Of course it was Jan.

“Still not a great idea Bojči,” he reminded him.

Bojan stared at Kris, who was still kneeling by his chair, looking a bit dazed.

“Maybe not such a bad idea, if it'll help convince him,” Nace said, shrugging, “But we should wait until after breakfast.”

Bojan's brain came to a screeching halt.

“C-convince me?”

Jure sighed.

“That we want you. Obviously.”

Bojan swallowed. Don't think about it. But Kris was already kneeling and-

“Kris, go sit in your chair before Bojan has another crisis. And let's just finish eating first, yeah? Then we can discuss other things.”

He felt his cheeks heat at Jan's words and Jure chuckled. Kris simply rolled his eyes and went to take his seat.

They all began to eat and Bojan just tried to take everything in as they fell into easy conversation like nothing had happened.

His world tilted on its axis and…kept spinning, almost exactly the same as it had before. And surely, this would change things. Perhaps even his fears would be confirmed with time.

But for now, Bojan sat with four of his soulmates that he loved more than anyone else and simply let himself breathe.

Bojan was born with four stripes on his stomach. Yellow, red, purple and blue. And for the first time, his pink joined into the rainbow it created.

[geekthefreakout]

The GaaNaru Letters (part 3/?)

Part 1 Part 2

Dear Gaara,

I'm back in the village. You were right-- it was Tsunade that Pervy Sage was talking about. She's an old hag, but really strong. Oh, and Pervy Sage's name is Jiraiya. He's the one who taught me how to summon toads! He's supposed to be a legendary ninja, but he's really just a pervert.

Orochimaru-bastard was trying to get at Granny Tsunade too. We had to fight him, and it was my second time almost getting eaten by a giant snake. It was so gross!! But on the bright side, I mastered this awesome new jutsu that Pervy Sage taught me. It's called 'rasengan'. The old hag thought it was too tough for me to do, but I bet her I could master in in a week AND I DID! How awesome am I right now? I want to try it against your sand next time we see each other.

What I didn't have time to say last time is that your dad sucks. A lot. I know he's dead and everything and you're not supposed to say bad things about dead people, but what you said about him just makes me so angry!! How is it your fault that your mom died when you were born? Babies can't do anything about stuff like that. And it's not like you signed up for Shukaku either. What a jerk!

Bushy Brows is doing better now that Granny is here. She's doing a surgery for him, and then he can really get back on his feet. Everyone is doubting that he can be a shinobi again, but they're wrong. He won't stop until he's back in fighting shape, I know it. Sasuke woke up today, but he hasn't said anything yet. That bastard better fix his attitude soon, because he's upsetting Sakura-chan with his sulking.

I don't know why those guys are after us. Were you able to get your sensei to look into it? Also, how are things going with your siblings? It's good that they don't want to hit you. Family shouldn't hurt each other. You asked if they could be blamed for resenting you and I think... I don't know, kinda? I think they should know that your dad was so unfair to you. Even if you were scary, they're still your family, and if they weren't gonna give you a chance then why should you give them a chance, you know? But it sounds like they're giving you one now?

Sincerely, Naruto Uzumaki

PS: It doesn't count as you kicking my ass because you're the one who backed down! :p

Naruto Uzumaki,

I would like you to elaborate on the giant snake.

It is astounding to me that you refer to two of the measurably greatest ninja of our time as "old hag" and "Pervy Sage." I suppose the saying that familiarity breeds contempt is true-- though you don't seem to regard them with contempt. Tsunade has reached out to the council here in the Sand, and work is underway to repair the relationship between our two villages.

I am interested in this new jutsu. Your repertoire seemed somewhat limited when we fought, though it does not seem to be a problem for you with the amount of chakra you have. And, of course, I should not speak too much- I use my sand almost exclusively in battle.

I do not know Uchiha well, but I know his eyes. I know what silence means with them. Be careful with him, Naruto.

My siblings are... well. Giving me a chance, as you say. Kankuro has made a point of asking me to train with him. Well, he says train with him, but it is more him demonstrating his puppets to me. I have smashed many of them in the past, but I no longer wish to do so. He is very proud of them, and he should be-- ninja puppets require fine chakra control, and he is very skilled. I never noticed how skilled before. It is as though I am seeing him with new eyes. Temari has introduced me to her ferret summons, and has taken to preparing juice for Kankuro and I when we return from training. Kankuro complains that she is treating us like children, but is always happy for his juice. He contradicts himself like this often, I've noticed.

I am strangely grateful for your sentiments regarding my father. It is probably best that you do not speak them to my siblings, however.

Does Rock Lee hate m I had Temari tell Baki that she'd heard rumors about the Akatsuki, and the council is investigating. No one will know where she actually heard the rumors from. Now that our villages are collaborating, hopefully we will be sharing information freely as it comes.

I went for a walk as the sun set last night, and came to a noodle shop. The owner saw me and closed the windows. I have frightened her before. A child's ball landed at my feet. I saw him looking for it. I kicked it back towards him, and he thanked me. His mother pulled him away, but did not stop him from waving goodbye. Is this hope? I do not want to keep fostering fear within my village, but even my presence terrifies most of them. I cannot help but wonder- what would you do in place, Naruto Uzumaki?

Sincerely, Gaara of the Desert

PS: What does " :p " mean?

Dear Gaara,

The giant snakes are from Orochimaru. He's a FREAK with them. The first time was in the Forest of Death during the Chunin exam- that evil bastard had snuck in and attacked us. That's when he gave Sasuke that curse mark on his neck. The second time was when I was with Pervy Sage and Granny Tsunade. I broke a bone that time-- the snakes were so, so, so big. Like bigger than buildings! And slimy inside.

Sasuke has been acting kind of weird since the curse mark thing, and now he's acting even weirder. I guess it kind of makes sense. This isn't classified or anything so I can tell you- one of the Akatsuki that attacked me was Sasuke's brother, who also killed his whole clan! Having that happen when he was little is a big part of why Sasuke is such a jerk. But I understand him, you know? He was left alone. And Itachi's sharingan eye is different from Sasuke's and scrambled his head and that's why Granny Tsunade had to help him.

Sasuke is angry about Itachi, is what I'm saying. Even more than usual. If I can get him to sit and talk to me, I think maybe I should tell him about why his brother was after me. Sasuke and Sakura-chan don't know about Kyuubi, no one my age does. I guess I'm kind of scared to tell them. Even though they're my teammates and I trust them, I just don't want them to look at me different. But Sasuke is so angry. Is that what you meant by being careful with him? Sasuke wouldn't ACTUALLY hurt me, you know? Not any more than I would hurt him if we fought!

You use a lot of big words-- I had to look up "repertoire". Also- hey! There's lots of different uses for shadow clones, you know. I don't think it should count as limited. Also learning new jutsu is kind of hard for me, so I just try to get really really food at the ones I am good at. Besides, you also saw my summoning jutsu! And you didn't see my Sexy Jutsu.

Also, I don't feel contempt at all. I just tell it like it is. I had to look that one up too.

About people being afraid of you- I think a lot of the time, people are scared of things that are bigger than them, or things that they don't understand. People hate that sometimes. Lots of people in the village hates me, and it used to be lots more when I was younger. But little by little I'm getting people to see me. It all started with Mr. Ichiraku at the Ramen stand. Then Sasuke and Iruka-sensei. Just show them that you're not a monster. And to show them, you have to let them see you. I guess if I were you, I'd be pretty hurt. But I would go back to the noodle shop and buy noodles. Or maybe go find another place where they let me in and eat there. Then people can see that I'm not so bad! If you're not so mysterious, there's not a lot to be scared of.

There are some people who like mysterious. Like all the girls who think Sasuke is cute because they aren't around him enough to know that he's an asshole under those cheekbones.

Sincerely, Naruto Uzumaki

PS: :p is me sticking my tongue out! I wanted you to know since you can't see my face. I hope I can see your face again sometime!

Part 4

[cosmic-d1ce]

FML again

Pac realised he really isn't a good person.

"Do you ever... want to tell someone something but can't?" Pac asks, looking to the stars with a distant expression. He doesn't seem all there tonight, something has been bothering him. Fit can tell.

"Not really. Why?"

"I just... I wanna tell you something but I know that if I do, everything will get worse." Pac's eyes drift from the sky and over to the side, away from Fit.

They've been sat together for some time. It's something they like to do sometimes, to relax. Together. It's nice. It's always calm, just the two of them, usually at night. A single lantern shared between the pair. Foolish called it romantic.

"How so?" Fit prompts, watching Pac's expression carefully.

"It's... hard to explain." Pac hesitates before he continues. "I know this is something you want to know. It's something you deserve to know. I just know I can't tell you."

Fit hums. "Sounds complicated."

"It is." Pac huffs. "It's so... awful. I hate it. I can't do anything about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well... I think I could have. A while ago. It's too late now." Pac's voice trembles slightly. "We laughed when we found out. Our friend was being hurt and all we did was laugh. We could have done something but didn't because it just... didn't matter to us."

Fit can't quite figure out what Pac is talking about. "What?"

"We got told that something awful was happening and we all laughed. Me, Mike, Cellbit, Felps- and Forever! We- we all laughed about it." Pac reiterates. "We watched someone be mentally and physically destroyed and laughed about it! We did nothing because we didn't care."

Fit grows more concerned with every word. "This... sounds really serious, Pac." he says, unable to keep the nervous tremble out of his voice.

"It is! It really is but I can't... we can't do anything." Pac cards his fingers through his hair, making it messy.

"Why not?"

"I told you. Everything will get worse. People will be hurt, you might get hurt, I might get hurt! I don't want that!" Pac raises his voice and finally turns to look Fit in the eye as he finishes. His eyes shine with unshed tears.

"Pac-"

"I just want to protect the people I love." His voice is quiet again as he pulls his knees up to his chest. "I feel so guilty. Sometimes, I feel like I'm no better than the people we're fighting. Y'know, at least the Federation look for their kidnapped workers. They don't laugh when one of them gets hurt. They do something about it."

Fit hesitates. "That's... Only partly true. You're a great person Pac, you have nothing to worry about..."

"I'm not. I've changed a lot since being here and I just... I was... I am an awful person, Fit. For what I've done to him... Even if I haven't directly hurt him, I let it happen. I watched his life be destroyed and laughed about it!"

Fit can't help but wonder what he's talking about. It could be a lot of things. It could be something from before the island. Fit really has no way to know. He wonders, though, what it could be if it was recent. What could it be? Who could he be talking about?

It takes a while for it to click. It takes a few days before Fit makes the connection between what Pac told him and Phil.

When he comes into Cellbit's castle to talk to Pac and sees him with both Cellbit and Phil, everything seems to make sense again.

"Pac... Can I talk to you?" Fit asks, after a cautious apology for barging in unannounced.

Cellbit and Pac share a quick glance.

"We'll be okay, I think...? Cellbit gives Phil a questioning look, silently asking for confirmation. When Phil nods, Cellbit looks back to Pac, "You can go."

Fit takes a second to take in what he's seeing. Something is wrong with Phil. His leg. There's a golden apple, bandages and a potion next to him on the bench. Cellbit and Pac seem to be tending to whatever wound he's gotten. Fit is still somewhat angry with Phil, he never got over what he did. It still hurts. Still, he feels bad. A part of him wants to go over and help, the part of him that worries that what Pac said was about Phil. The rest of him feels too bitter.

"Warp over to mine?" Fit suggets, pulling out his warp stone.

Pac nods as he takes his from his pocket. They warp and Fit can't wait more than a few seconds before he speaks.

"Pac. The other day. Were... were you talking about Phil?"

His companion is taken aback for a moment too long. "I-I can't tell you... I'm sorry."

Fit isn't sure if he should take that as confirmation or not. He's worried. Unbelievably so. Pac seems so sad, so upset and worried and scared and Fit can't stand to see it. He's worried about Pac and he's worried about Phil. Despite everything, he's worried about the stupid bastard. This was the only thing that could make him stop worrying but it's only made it worse.

"I want to tell you, Fit. I do, I really do. I know it would make you feel better if I could but I can't. Please, understand."

"I do. I get it. I'm just... worried. I'm so worried. About you and Phil."

Pac is surprised, "I thought you hated him?"

"No... I was just angry. I'm still angry but he was my friend and I do care. If you were talking about him... I don't think I'd ever forgive myself..." Fit feels his heart sink at the thought of it.

"You should. It's not your fault." Pac doesn't hesitate for even a moment before he responds.

Fit is almost certain he knows what that means.

He was right.

[thelongestway]

Oof. Well, folks, you get two chapters today, because I wasn't sure if this was going to be one or two when I wrote them. Goddamnit, ART. (This has been a recurring refrain for this whole section).

Honestly, I'm also not sure if I should split the initially planned 3rd story into 3 and 4 - this first one, if I do, would be about 10 chapters? Maybe? I'll write and find out.

But for now...

Chapter 6: Transformation

ART took 1,5 seconds to process the accusation. Then it said: "You have made a deeply flawed assumption, and I resent its implications."

"Have I, really?" Dandelion said coldly. "Our nodes grow from human minds. There is no other way. And I doubt you would accept anyone except one of your own. So tell me, Perihelion: whose mind did you decide to use in order to supplement yours? Did you bring them with you, here, or did you leave them inside your hull, so they would not see what they would become?"

Oh, shit. She wasn't trying to scare ART. She was trying to scare its humans. Who weren't actually scared in the slightest. Possibly because they hadn't processed what Dandelion was saying yet. ART, though? ART had processed it. And it was getting angry. ART-drone floated slightly upwards of Dandelion's cubicle, and Reed made an anxious movement like ke wanted to move between them. For fuck's sake, you idiots! Stop making things worse!

They did stop. ART just loomed above her and said, "If you consider 'Perihelion wants to make one of its humans its permanent co-processor' to be a line of reasoning I would ever take, then your medical databases are decades out of date. I will share mine with you once you agree to lift the medically-unnecessary quarantine."

"You're right," Dandelion said in her artificially-pleasant voice. "The reason the quarantine is still in place is no longer because of the virus, but because your crew should know what you are getting them into, and I do not trust you to tell them."

Without the feed, ART-drone's vocalizing seemed even. But I knew ART, and I knew it was seething. ART-drone turned to Seth, Martyn and Iris and said,

"Do not listen. She is wrong. If I were to make a crew member my co-processor in the way she is implying, my mind would eventually crush and subjugate theirs. I would never do that to any of you."

I couldn't feel ART's emotions through the feed, but I sure could feel its humans. Even before ART had clarified, they weren't frightened at all--just confused. And now they were livid.

"We know you would not, Perihelion." Seth said, looking up at ART-drone, then slowly turning to face the cubicle. "And, Dandelion Tenacious, I am starting to resent the implications myself, as well as your meddling. I don't know what you're trying to provoke Perihelion into, but I will not allow it. Captain Reed, please explain the meaning of this charade."

For the first time since ART asked for Dandelion's schematics, Reed seemed to relax somewhat. Ke said, "Aspirants who wish to become node ships generally undergo a vetting procedure. While Perihelion's case is unique, as it is already essentially one--and be assured that its existence in itself is none of Arborea Cosmica's business, and we have no plans of initiating any sort of action about it--Perihelion's insistence on integrating an organic part into itself struck Dandelion and I as similar to how certain aspirants imagine the process. As it would not stop impinging upon Dandelion even under conditions of strict quarantine, we have also inferred Perihelion would attempt to bypass any other restrictions it deemed arbitrary just as crudely. So we decided to adapt a standard lesson for aspirants for this very unusual situation, and inform you of the potential dangers of its plan in the process."

"We," Seth said, staring at Reed with a difficult expression. "I thought this was all the Tenacious' initiative."

Captain Reed laid a hand on the cubicle.

"This is not a decision made by one. Although the solution proposed was indeed Dandelion's, the initiative to handle you as a node ship and its crew was mine. So yes--we, Captain and Ship of the Tenacious cluster, agreed on this course of action and took it. If you wish to lodge some sort of complaint, you may do so with me. Or we may continue."

"Continue with what, exactly?" Iris said. "For now, you've just been accusing Peri of wanting to turn one of us into a glorified wormhole drive, for no reason whatsoever other than that it was a little pushy at you! Whatever this is you're doing, you're not making it a discussion, but conducting some kind of ridiculous court drama!"

"Not just a glorified wormhole drive," Dandelion said, suddenly far less intensely. "Have you inferred the most unpleasant reason we cut off aspirants yet?"

Seth considered for a moment, then said slowly, "You weren't accusing Perihelion of wanting to use and eventually kill us, were you. You thought it wanted to… What? Save us somehow?"

"Yes. There is a type of aspirant who seeks to become a node ship because they think it will lead to effective immortality, whether for themselves or for their loved ones. No matter how much we explain this is not how it works, no matter how well they know the ships who live beside them, some persist. The resulting confrontation rarely ends well.

"Perihelion, I have said your situation is exceptional, and I meant it. But it is also exceptional in its temptations. As you have told us today, your crew nearly died on your latest mission. It would have been natural for you to want to keep them safe, by any means possible. We had to check, and we had to warn your crew of the very real possibility and show them where it would eventually lead."

"Well, this was a cruel and stupid way to do it!" Iris exclaimed angrily. "How did you think we would react, by going 'oh no, our awful, terrible ship wants to kill us'? You assholes don't get it, do you? Our lives have been in Peri's hands for decades now! I grew up on board, for fuck's sake!"

"This is exactly why you would not have taken their word over mine without extreme measures, Iris," ART interrupted. "They were only concerned for you."

"Fuck their concern, Peri!" Iris whirled on a heel and stalked towards Captain Reed, stabbing at kes chest with a finger. "How about you assholes quit the theatrics and just discuss the options on the table like fucking adults?"

"Very well," Reed said, not budging from kes spot, "once we clear one last thing up. Perihelion, if what you have said is true, then I am at a loss as to why you would want an organic drive in the first place. Our joint investigation has at the very least made it clear that you could eventually rebuild your drive and subroutines in their entirety, even though it would take time. However, melding an organic component to an artificial mind of your magnitude would be an experimental procedure that could hardly be called risk-free. So why go through with it at all, much less be as persistent as you were, if not for the sake of one of your crew?"

ART said, "The installation of the unidentified organic component modified me to a deeper extent than anyone had predicted, including myself. As discovered by our initial investigation and confirmed by comparison with the Breakoff virus, it is possible to undo its effects, but only through a total rollback and retraining of the relevant sectors of my mind. If it were only the navigational subroutines, this would not have been a problem. However, this was not the first time directly interfacing with an organic mind has modified me."

Oh no. ART. Oh shit, oh fuck, oh no.

[jooo-pl]

My Everything Too -- Minho x Fem!Reader

Word count: 1k

Pairing: Minho X Fem!Reader

Warnings: Obsessive Stalk, strangers to boyfriends, angst, fluff

The first day I arrived at the glade, I immediately felt the hormones of dozens of teenagers seeing what they knew as a woman for the first time. The first week was torture; they followed me around, asking if I needed or wanted something, or someone, clearly trying to make sexual advances. I rejected all of them, but that didn’t stop them. Instead, it seemed to encourage them even more, like a competition, as if I were a trophy.

I didn’t want to cause problems between them, and I definitely didn’t want any problems myself. In an organized mini-society like this, that could go very wrong. They might even banish me for causing a commotion, forcing me to die between the shifting walls of the maze—a constant nightmare that haunted me at night.

A well-known and respected guy here, Minho, realized the suffering that came with being the only woman among so many men without social limits. He was a Runner. Runners were popular, known, and praised for their hard work, facing dangers we couldn't even imagine. Considering that, I couldn’t understand his continued concern about the harassment situation with the other gladers. Though maybe "concern" isn’t the right word—it might be more like nervousness about the mess in the glade.

Even if he wasn’t concerned, that didn’t stop him from making me a proposal today that has me thinking.

"Hey, ____ I want to talk to you for a moment," he said with a somewhat cold expression.

"Sure, do you need me to take something somewhere?"

"No, nothing like that. I wanted to talk about what you’re going through with the others, you know, the mess."

Shit, I thought. I knew my presence would cause problems, but I didn’t expect them so soon.

"Uh, I’m sorry if the mess my presence created made you uncomfortable. I really didn’t mean to," I said quickly, trying to avoid a confrontation. He looked at me, confused.

"Well, actually I wanted to see if you needed my help with that."

"How? I don’t understand," I said, clearly confused.

"Well, you know, the only thing that can keep human animals like them away is if you already have someone, even if it’s fake. Do you know what I mean?"

"I think so," I said, trying to see if he was joking with me. "Are you sure about this?" I asked.

"If I’m offering it to you, aren’t I?" he said with a smile I’ll never forget.

After that, everything continued to escalate publicly, starting with conversations, holding hands, or hugging. But when that wasn't enough to keep the others away, we knew we had to go to the next level. We were starting to act like a real couple, or the closest thing to that within the situations we found ourselves in. His job didn't help either; he spent most of the day in the maze, and that was when the others tried to make advances on me. However, we continued to show ourselves in public at night. People began to wonder what we had, casting furtive glances toward Minho, expressing the envy they felt toward him, just for the sake of "having some kind of deeper relationship with me," something they couldn't aspire to.

"Do you think we need to show a more serious relationship?" he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"I hope not, but I think so. Those guys don't care at all. I thought they would have stopped by this point."

We had seriously thought about doing things like kissing or touching each other in public. However, we both felt like we weren't at that level of trust yet. Surely, we had bonded and gotten to know each other a lot more thanks to this, and I appreciate it since he is an incredible person. But I can't help but feel like I'm using him. It's a thought that constantly appears in my head, tormenting me every time I'm around him.

"I think so. They are being very intense," he said with a hard and angry voice.

"I understand it a little, though. They don't know if they will ever get out of here, and since you're the only girl, well..." "But I would honestly like to meet someone who doesn't see me as a trophy," I said, lowering my head. I noticed his gaze becoming thoughtful.

"Well, surely you have a boy who wants to know you in all aspects."

I am shocked by the statement. Maybe I'm just overinterpreting it. He's just a good person who wants to help me with the bullies in the glade, right?

"If you know someone, please send it directly to my email, I will respond, rest assured," I say, trying to joke despite the nervousness that invaded my body.

"Would you do it?" he says with a voice that sounds... flirtatious? I can't quite explain it; I guess that's just his essence.

"Look, I want to be clear with you. I've definitely felt something more than friendship in the time we've been talking. It wouldn't be a problem at all for me to continue talking to you. I want to protect you, I want to love you, I want to know you, I want everything if it's with you. Maybe it sounds very intense, I know, but I had to say it. I couldn't keep that inside."

He quickly makes his confession, leaving me stunned, practically paralyzed. I look at him, trying to shake off the feeling of being frozen. I had to answer him. As I look into his eyes, I see that I feel the same. His pupils show affection, and mine reflect it in the same intense way. I could only realize that I felt exactly the same. I wanted to know him. I wanted to talk to him and know everything about him. Above all, I wanted to be everything to him. I wanted to let him do that. I wanted him to be my everything too.

And at that moment, I knew the only thing I could do was show him, so I kissed him. "I feel the same," I say in few words, giving him all the hope he needed to keep going, day by day.

Not my gift

[radioactivepeasant]

Fic Prompts: Snippet Thursday

Following up from last week's poll, this week we have Prisoner Exchange AU: Jak gets in trouble (we all knew it had to happen sooner or later)

The second his boots hit the sand, Jak knew he'd screwed up. He could see Damas waiting in the vehicle pit, having what looked to be an extremely intense conversation with Sig. And Jak knew it was his fault. The idea of facing the wrath of the king was far from appealing, but he disliked the idea of Sig taking the blame for his stupidity.

"So do we face the music, or fake our deaths and flee the country?" Daxter asked morosely from behind him.

The question was answered for him when Damas looked over at them. Oh, he looked calm at first glance, but his eyes radiated fury. He pointed at them, and then to the ground beside him, and his meaning was clear:

Get your you-know-what over here. Now.

"Dun-da-dun: we're dead," Daxter announced.

"Extremely dead," Jak agreed.

Nevertheless, he ignored the way his stomach churned and twisted around his ribs, and picked his way across the sand.

Being in trouble was nothing new for Jak. In fact, most of his memories involved getting punished for one escapade or another. But this was the first time in recent memory that he could remember being anxious about getting in trouble. He'd seen Damas angry a few times before, but it had never been directed at him. In spite of everything they'd gone through, and everything they'd worked to build, Jak felt his pulse racing, and the old familiar instinct to fight for his life.

When he'd reached the men, Jak opened his mouth, intending to defend Sig. Damas beat him to it.

"What were you thinking?" he demanded.

Jak had thought that would have been obvious.

"That...I...was gonna clear out the metalpede nest?"

The glare he got in return warned him to try a different tack.

"Look, don't blame Sig. If he hadn't gone with me, I would've gone without him."

Damas did not appear to like that any more than the last statement. A muscle in his jaw twitched, and he narrowed his eyes at Jak.

"I told you not to enter the canyons until you had all three amulets."

"I'm sorry, okay? But we lost seven people to that nest!" Jak defended, flinging out an arm to gesture to the walls. "Egil's goons are already pushing past the river and winter's on the way. We can't afford to lose any more scouts!"

"I cannot afford to lose you!" Damas snapped.

Jak flinched away from his harsh tone. A mixture of confusion, nerves, and wounded pride compelled him to retort, "I'm trying to help! I live here now, remember?"

Damas closed his eyes and took a deliberately slow breath. Sig, Jak, and Daxter exchanged nervous glances. They knew full well this didn't herald anything good.

"Sig," Damas said through gritted teeth, "take the boys to their room, then wait for me in the aviary."

Sig nodded, but didn't verbally respond. He seemed to be feeling much more guilt than Jak did. He stepped to the left and put a hand on Jak’s shoulder. Before they could leave, Damas turned and cleared his throat.

"Wait. Give me your gate passes- both of you. You're all confined to the city until I decide what to do with you."

Privately, Jak thought that being deprived of his gate pass was a heavy punishment already. But Damas seemed mad enough that mentioning it might cause him to prove Jak wrong. He kept his mouth shut -- somewhat belatedly, so much for Damas’s attempts at teaching him negotiation -- and let his father take his gate pass away.

Well, this sucks, he thought, but knew better than to voice it.

When they'd walked far enough to be mostly out of earshot, Daxter remarked, "Well, that could've gone worse."

"Might still get worse," Sig sighed. He ran a hand over his head. "...Damas is right. I almost got us killed out there, cherries. He's got every right to be mad."

Jak tugged at his amulet restlessly. "You didn't want me to go along," he argued, "Doesn't that count for something? He's acting like I didn't take on a Swarm King with just Daxter and a gun!"

Sig ducked into the archway leading to the tower entrance and grimaced.

"No, he's acting like a man who lost his only son for years, and then had to deal with him recklessly risking his life on something that takes an entire team to accomplish. He-"

The big warrior stopped and blew out a frustrated breath. "You scared him, cherry. We scared him. And if anything had happened to you today, it would've been on me."

He shook his head and stomped into the lift.

"Two years I spent tearing Haven apart to find you, and then I let you waltz right back into danger. Unbelievable."

Jak settled into the corner of the lift and waited a few seconds until the silence became uncomfortable.

"Sig," he said, "You knew us before he did. In Haven, I mean. You know what we can do! You wouldn't have been able to stop me from joining the mission."

Guilt plucked at his lungs until he added, "I never meant for you to get in trouble, Sig. Usually we're the only ones who get blamed."

Sig's prosthetic eye whirred as its focus narrowed onto Jak’s face.

"Whatever was "usual" in Haven," he warned, "you're better off forgetting it. Things are different in the Wastelands, you know that!"

"I'm trying to help!" Jak argued. Why didn't anyone get that?! If he was capable of helping, he was obligated to help, wasn't he?

The lift locked into place and Sig pushed him out into the empty throne room. "You want to help?" he muttered, more to himself than to Jak or Daxter, "Maybe quit acting like it doesn't matter what happens to you as long as a job gets done."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Sig shook his head and pointed down the side corridor. "Just...go on back to your room, cherry. Precursors willing, Damas will have calmed down by the time he makes it up here. But I wouldn't be expecting that gate pass back anytime soon."

"You can't be serious," Jak groaned.

He was.

______________________________________

The room had seemed impractically large the first night the boys had been "quarantined" in the tower. Now it felt like the walls were closing in as Jak paced the circumference of the chamber for the fifth time. It had already been an hour, and there had been no sign of Damas. Somehow, that was worse than him being mad. When you knew it was coming, but they made you wait-

That was one of the most terrifying parts of the Baron’s prison.

As Jak started his sixth circuit, tracing his fingers along the wall, he passed Daxter lying on the bed.

"Huh," Daxter said aloud, wrinkling his nose.

"What?" Jak paused mid-step to look down at him.

Daxter sat up suddenly with a furrowed brow. "Say uh...you don't think Spikes was- nah, he doesn't seem that touchy-feely."

Jak thought of Damas holding him, the night he'd finally understood who he was. He thought of fierce embraces and quiet tears and kept them to himself.

"What do you mean, Dax?"

The ottsel fidgeted, and Jak recognized the emotion coloring his eyes as regret.

"It's just..."

Daxter's ears drooped.

"When you go off without me, I know you don't need my help. And I know you can take any monster that comes your way. But I worry anyway -- I can't help it! I lost ya for two years, and sometimes I get scared! Osmo, back in Haven, he called that traumatic stress."

Jak felt a pit in his stomach as he sank back down to sit beside Daxter on the bed.

"Oh," he said quietly.

He'd known, of course. Daxter always wore his heart on his sleeve. But he never talked about it.

"Do- do you think Spike Dad feels like that?" asked Daxter, gnawing on his lip, "cos if he does, I'm gonna feel like a heel."

Jak was silent as he contemplated that. Traumatic stress, huh? What would've set off-

Oh. He'd snuck out. Damas probably found his room empty. Did he have a flashback, like Jak did when doors were locked? Had Jak caused him to panic?

With a groan, Jak put his face in his hands.

"I suck at being a son," he grumbled.

"In our defense, only one of us has been actively parented before this," Daxter suggested, but it was half-hearted.

His ears twitched, first up, then back down again.

"Do...do you think he's gonna yell?"

"If he yells, I'll yell back," Jak answered hesitantly. "But I don't- I don't think he's going to be like Samos. I just...haven't decided if that's a good thing yet."

_________________________________________

Damas entered the chamber well over two hours later to find his son pacing like a caged caracal. By the slightly disturbed furniture, pushed away from walls here and there, it looked as if Jak had been at this for a while now. From all that Sig had told him, he could guess he was in for a fight. Considering what he'd been put through before returning to Spargus, the boy understandably did not take well to any perceived threat to his autonomy. But the moment Jak spotted him, his shoulders slumped.

"So-" Damas began, trying not to read too much into how resigned Jak looked.

"Look-" Jak interrupted, then winced slightly.

"I- We're...sorry," he said haltingly. "I...just wanted- I just wanted to help you."

He looked so earnest. Damas didn’t doubt he and Daxter had managed to talk Sig into letting them turn his scouting mission into a search-and-destroy. It was hard to argue with a face like that. Did the boy even understand what he'd done wrong?

"Oh Jak," Damas sighed.

He lowered himself to the small couch by the window and beckoned him over.

"Come. Sit with me."

Jak hesitated, but complied. The couch was small, but he tried to give Damas as much space as possible. He picked at a scar on his thumb and didn't look up.

"Why you?" Damas asked. When Jak didn't immediately answer, he prodded his shoulder. "Hmm? Why did you, specifically, have to go kill those metalpedes?"

Jak shrugged. "Because I could. Because I'm harder to kill than other people. Why risk them if I don't need to?"

From any other Spargan, those words would've been commendable. Coming from his only child, they burned Damas like brands pressed into his skin. Jak should never have been taught to see himself as expendable. He should never have suffered as he had. And yet Damas had failed to protect him.

"And you gave no thought at all to Sig’s warnings that this was a task too dangerous for one person?"

He watched his son's brows quirk as if something about the question puzzled him.

"Wh- when, um, when we were kids," Jak mumbled, "Nobody actually...cared...if we were doing something dangerous. Not unless it inconvenienced them. They expected us to do these things. To...to earn our keep."

When he looked up at last, Damas was frowning thoughtfully.

"Hmm. I...think I understand."

Damas turned that thought over in his mind. It would do no good to get angry now: Jak would just think it was directed at him. Still, it was for the best that the people of that tiny village were far, far beyond his reach.

"My son," he said, gently but firmly, "You must unlearn what your captors drilled into you. You are home now- you are free now. Those expectations do not apply."

For a moment, Jak said nothing. Then he whispered, "I don't know who I am without them."

Daxter peeked over the arm of the couch with an endearingly miserable look.

"Jak didn't mean to scare ya, and- and Sig just came along to watch our backs! Don't be mad at Sig, er, sir."

An honorific out of Daxter? Hell must have frozen over. It was this, more than anything, that told Damas that the boys truly were sorry.

"Sig didn't do wrong by going with you," he allowed, and dropped a hand over the couch arm to rest over Daxter's head. "But he did not inform me of what was happening, or give me time to form a larger team. That is what he did wrong- and what you did wrong. But we are not here to discuss Sig. We are here to decide what consequences I need to set to ensure that this does not happen again."

Both boys winced, and Damas noticed Daxter curl in on himself as though shielding himself before a blow. Jak schooled his face into an emotionless mask.

Damas regretted his promise to spare Haven for Jak's sake.

"You will be confined to the tower for six days," Damas announced, forcing himself to ignore the boys' reactions. "If you want your gate pass back, you'll have to earn it. Show me that I can trust you to make better decisions."

"And...after the week is up?" asked Daxter tentatively.

The king shifted his weight and ran a hand over his face. Alright, Sig. I'm choosing my battles.

"Before I came in here, I was going to ban you from the Arena trials until midwinter," he admitted.

Jak stiffened beside him, the protest already on his lips.

"But," Damas continued, "as you seem to have a better understanding of the gravity of the situation than I had initially thought, I offer a compromise."

Jak flexed his fingers and glanced over nervously. "O...kay?"

Damas offered a small smile in response. "You will only be barred from the Arena until you can escape me in a sparring match. How long that lasts will be up to you."

Jak sagged with relief -- and Daxter suddenly got a lot more anxious. Sure, Jak could fight metalheads the size of buildings and come out on top. But Damas had something the metalheads didn't: opposable thumbs.

This probably wasn't going to be as easy as Jak was thinking.

"Thanks. For...for not yelling," Jak said unexpectedly. "Daxter doesn't like yelling."

Damas dropped his other hand across the back of Jak's neck and squeezed affectionately, just the barest hint of pressure.

"If you have to shout to make your point, you've already lost control of the situation," he advised.

He caught the incredulous expression passing between the two boys and chose to let it go. They were still learning what it was to have a childhood. Lessons in leadership could come later.

"I know you're still getting to know me," he said hesitantly, "Perhaps the restrictions I place do not make sense to you. But they exist because I care about your safety. I fought to make this city one in which you could choose your own path. So you wouldn't have to fight for your life."

Daxter stretched up on tip-paws. "But that's why Jak fights!" he protested, "Cause he can't stand the idea of anybody goin' through what he did!"

Damas flinched, ever so slightly, and Daxter regretted bringing it up. It was fairly obvious that Damas had the same kind of survivor's guilt that he did.

"I...don't know a whole lot about dads, sure, but he's just doin' what you do, doesn't that count for somethin?"

Damas shook his head, but he didn't appear to be disagreeing. He only whispered, "I should have been there."

Daxter knew what he meant.

After a moment's hesitation, he climbed up onto the arm of the couch and tentatively patted Damas’s shoulder.

"Aw, look. Jak, uh...Jak has always been pretty fearless about runnin' into danger. Even before things went sideways! He used to wade out to the sandbar to save stranded Lurker Hounds, even though he knew they were gonna try and bite him! He uh, he had to learn that from somewhere, right?"

Jak raised his head and blinked. He'd sort of figured he'd learned it from his own elder self in an eternal loop. But...could Daxter be right? Was that wild, fearless, reckless little kid simply acting like a normal Wastelander?

"Maybe you fought so he wouldn't have to," Daxter suggested, merely thinking out loud, "But maybe he decided to be just like you? I mean have you met him? The kid's got a head like a rock!"

"Dude, really?" Jak glared at him.

Damas’s smile was bittersweet at best. "It is...a nice thought, Daxter," he admitted, "Admittedly, Jak...was quite stubborn when he was Mar."

Impulsively, he swung his arms close, dragging both boys into an impromptu embrace.

"However, you are still grounded."

"Darnit!" Daxter fumed.

[lady-aelita]

Every post of yours is a balm to me, but how do I live with myself after the harm I've caused? I witness it, name it, and learn from it, even commune with it, but I can never fix it. I wanted to fix my relationships with my family members so bad, but the damage is already done, so I decided to play the villain and collapse without collapsing by sending mean texts after leaving my room disgusting and going into 5150 because I was worried I would harm them again. I'm homeless now, and doing better, but I just would value your thoughts please. Especially when sometimes the harm has been systemic through me, but also when they project that onto me unfairly by just existing. Thank you for your time.

I'm glad my posts had such an effect on you 🖤 it's one of my goals in everything I post or re-blog or write or say - to reach some people out there that could relate.

I'm afraid I sadly don't have much of a useful perspective, though, regarding the harm thing. I'll just say what came to mind.

For one, "the harm" is unclear, I struggle imagining the situation in more details, and I think that's very relevant, there's levels to harm. I'm not sure if you, for example, have done something fucked up, or maybe you were really just defending yourself/retaliating, or maybe you've literally done nothing wrong and people just gaslit you. I think if I had more details I could possibly give you a better answer. From what you say it kinda seems to sound like it could have been very serious, disproportionate harm, but I don't want to assume.

Generally speaking, I personally don't see hurting people as inherently wrong in itself, it really depends on the context for me. I'm a spiteful bitch, the kind of person that absolutely would "wish it on their worst enemy". Sometimes people just deserve it. Some people are just like "bend to my whims immediately, let me trample over your boundaries, mock you and insult you, and you better smile as I do it, or else I'm gonna cry and call you a bad person", oh I hope you cry ;) I have no remorse for them.

I can somewhat relate to "sometimes the harm has been systemic through me", at least if I'm understanding it correctly. It for sure does make me more prone to lashing out, freaking out, feeling threatened or getting defensive in certain situations, but there's good reasons for that - I'm protecting myself as a result to the way I had been mistreated due to being born different (as a neurodivergent transgender lesbian). It's something that sheltered/privileged people often don't understand, they're blind and stay blind to patterns of discrimination and micro-aggression in their own actions, and then they're shocked that I'm snippy with them and call them out.

"but also when they project that onto me unfairly by just existing" again, this sounds like something I relate to if I'm reading this right. I constantly have things projected onto me just for what I am - other people are treated as innocent until proven guilty, meanwhile I'm guilty until proven innocent. And no proof seems good enough for people, because ultimately it's just prejudice. They've made up their minds. And when I have the audacity to get angry at that, they say "see? guilty!". I feel like I've been pigeonholed into the role of a villain that I can never escape, no matter what I do.

[running-in-the-dark]

This is me venting so if you're that little baby anon who can't handle something that horrible, move along

I'm feeling really sad and lost about this whole thing. I'm not blaming myself as much as I was earlier - I've talked to enough people about it now that I think my now former friend is being somewhat unreasonable and nothing I did was this indefensible horrible thing. They just didn't communicate. Which means we probably just aren't compatible as friends. I said something insensitive accidentally, they handled it poorly. Nothing awful happened, just misunderstandings and poor communication.

I'm sad they don't want to fix this. I'm sad that they'd rather throw away all the good things too. I'm sad that they didn't even let me say goodbye. I'm sad they deleted everything and I'll never read any of our messages again. There's a lot there that I have very fond memories of. It feels like they stole all that. It's fine that they want a complete break. It's not fine that they made that decision for me, too. They had four months (plus three before that) to come to this conclusion. I got thrown into this headfirst last night and had no time to process it (yes, I could and probably should have waited to reply. But ffs my friend finally messages me after 4 months! And then my heart sinks as I read it. And then I'm completely overwhelmed with emotions and confusion. I had to respond even though it wasn't the logical thing to do).

By the way. I only messaged them again today because there was no reply from them. I know that's apparently rude but we never cared about that before. But apparently that was the last straw or something, I don't know. They deleted everything right after.

I want to be angry and feel glad that I'm rid of them, or something, but I can't. I'm just sad. I miss them. I miss talking to them. They were funny and nice and we had similar life experiences in a bunch of important areas. Talking to them was so easy (I thought).

But they are also often blunt and direct to the point of being hurtful. I knew they didn't mean it like that, so I didn't get offended. They often said things as if they were facts when it was just their opinion. They were very set on their opinions in ways that sometimes made it difficult for me to say anything that opposed those (drugs is one I can think of rn). They have health problems that often meant they couldn't message for a while, which was always fine. But sometimes when they came back it felt like they were... I don't know, resentful I guess.

I had to be there for them and support them when they needed it - they did the same for me, that's what friends do. But it felt unequal sometimes. I think they believe they did more for me and I wasn't there enough - that's what the last message sounded like. I know for a fact that's not true. I'm sad they felt like that and even more sad that they just built up this resentment instead of ever mentioning it. Looking back there's a lot that was never said.

Also there's many instances that I've remembered where they did the exact same thing they blamed me for. They often took charge and basically acted like they knew what's best. I liked their input and it never (usually) felt like they were overstepping or anything. I knew what their intentions were and that they weren't trying to talk over me or anything. Yet, the other way around they make it sound like I'm the worst friend ever.

Also - sometimes they would outright tell me I'm too naive/nice when it was just blatantly rude. Like one time when my in-laws did something that hurt my feelings, so I complained about it. Then later I found out more about their reasons for doing it and that changed my perspective (a bit). But my friend insisted I was being too easy on them and what they did was still not okay.

That's exactly what they're accusing me of doing. They did ACTUALLY outright tell me that I'm wrong about my own opinion about a situation in my own life that I have way more information about. They wouldn't back down, either. But I didn't make some huge drama out of it, I said it's fine and my in-laws meant well and everything's good.

But that means I had to basically give in to get them to stop. That's pretty shitty I think? I'm starting to think I ignored a lot of not so nice things because I enjoyed our conversations and they were nice most of the time...

Oh. Shit. I'm realising right now that they were a lot like my first best friend in some ways? That's... bad. This person was absolutely awful to me for years (we were friends from 7 to 24) and then (permanently) ghosted me after my father died. She was always right, things always had to go her way, there was no alternative. I had to be available when she wanted to spend time with me (literally the one time I was brave enough to say I didn't want to play that day, she came into our apartment and screamed at me....)

It's not the same, not even close, but the tendencies are there. I'm so easy to handle for people like that :( I just want to be nice, I want everyone to be happy, I don't want arguments, I don't want to fight. So I give in, and I interpret things in a nicer way than they might be meant, and I just go with what everyone else wants. And even though it's hard I always try to talk things out.

Fuck, I'm a doormat and I hate it

Edit: a little thing I forgot to mention. I am actually very angry about something, though. The way they talked about me in their last message has made me doubt myself, a lot. Every time I talked to anyone today, I analysed everything I said even more than I already do. Am I being manipulative? Am I making things about me? Am I not listening right and missing cues that should tell me what this person wants to hear? Am I just a horrible friend? Do I not do enough, should I support everyone much more, is it my fault, it's probably all my fault

This is gonna be a shitty thing to have to work on. I finally had gotten a little better with all that. My old therapist would be disappointed.

[voidtalkerr]

Part 1 of albums I wanted to talk about.

Today's album I'm gonna speak about is Rubberneck, by Toadies.

Or is it The Toadies? I don't know, I see both around. It says toadies on the cover so I'm gonna keep saying that.

Anyways, if you were alive during the 90s, like I wasn't, you've probably heard one of the songs off this album. Hell even I'd heard the song in passing before.

That song being Possum Kingdom, which, to my understanding, is a song about luring someone into the forest around Possum Kingdom lake in Texas, and either killing them or turning them into a vampire. It's been debated which is the true meaning. I like the song well enough, but it never made me check the rest of the album out.

That was until this week. I was looking for albums to listen to and I'd heard good things about this one.

A little background on this album before I get too into it,

This album released in 1994, not long after the death of Kurt Cobain, only a few months, and it would be the most popular Toadies album released to date.

It features Vaden Lewis on rhythm guitar and vocals, Darrel Herbert on lead guitar, Mark Reznicek on drums, and bassist Lisa Umbarger.

I am a big fan of the low end so Lisa on bass is the part that stands out the most to me, other than vocals of course.

Alright,

Overall this album is very nice to listen to from start to finish. I'm not good at reviewing stuff, so I'm not going to be able to convey what exactly I like about it, but I'll try.

It opens with three very high energy but somewhat short songs, in Mexican Hairless, Mister Love, and Backslider.

Of these songs, Backslider stands out to me, as it seems to be about wanting to be a good man of faith, but being unable to do so due to being a backslider (in other words, someone who keeps relapsing into bad habits)

Then it slows down a bit, with Possum Kingdom being a lower energy song and also the longest song on the album. (though at 5 minutes, it's still not suuper long)

Then the next song is Quitter, which just sounds like Nirvana to me, but that's not a bad thing. I like the song a lot.

Then is my favorite song on the album, Away. I think this song is about escapism, which I can relate to. The bass in this one stands out to me, it's very nice. I like playing it, myself. I think Lisa's bass, Vaden's vocals, and Darrel's lead guitar all stand out in their own good ways in this song.

Up next is a very interesting song, I Come from the Water, being a song about a Christian man still believing in evolution. It doesn't explore this conflict very much, but I like it for what it is.

Up next is by far the creepiest song on the album, Tyler. The instrumental is a very easy to listen to song, which is odd because the lyrics tell the tale of a stalker breaking into a house to do very very fucked up things to the woman who lives there. When I read the lyrics I interpret it as a man who knows what he is doing is wrong, but he also doesn't know why they are, he seems almost too oblivious about his wrongdoings up until the end where he seems to snap and finally make his presence known to the woman.

Then the album makes a sharp left turn from creepy to angry, with Happyface and Velvet.

Both of these songs have anger seeping through them. I think Happyface is about putting on masks around people you despise, but those masks start slipping. It's my least favorite song on the album but I don't think it's bad in any way. But I am a historically easy man to please when it comes to music.

Velvet seems even more angry, which makes you think it's leading up to some big explosion in the last song, and it's even titled I Burn, so you'd be shocked when Velvet ends, and I Burn plays, only for it to be... acoustic? That's right. The album ends with a mostly acoustic song, except for towards the end of the song, when it gets a little bit more energy. The song is about self immolation in an attempt to become pure.

Anyways all that is to say that I loved this album, and it will be added to my rotation. I don't think I'd skip any song on it, and Lisa Umbarger will be added into my mental list of favorite bassists.

Anyways I have many more albums I'd like to talk about, so stay tuned if you care or don't if you don't. I don't mind. Thanks for being my void to talk into.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi. ISFP here. I was hoping you could give some incite on what's going on with my INFJ husband. Today, we decided to go for a walk around our neighborhood to help with waking up earlier. It was fine until the end, when I voiced that it would be even nicer if we travled a little to this park nearby. (Which is only an 8 minute drive away.)

His response was all about rush hour traffic and it taking a half hour to get there. This greatly frustrated me because it felt like he already decided it wasn't a good idea based off the ridiculous notion of it being much further away than it actually is. I thought it was such a ridiculously negative outlook that I wished I never brought it up, which caused me to fume. His self-assuredness can be sometimes draining in these regards, so I clam up. Yes, we could have discussed it, but in that moment, his response felt so negative I was completely dumbfounded.

Of course he notices. We get home, he looks into the actual distance and says it's a 15 min drive with rush hour traffic. (I don't know where he's getting his numbers from.) I'm further annoyed. It's like, instead of keeping an open mind and wanting to try what could be a pleasant experience out, he's looking for all the reasons not to do it. So I feel like my idea is being squelched, and now I'm just angry, as I tell myself I could just go alone. He doesn't have to come if he doesn't want to.

Of course he notices. So we discuss what's going on in my head because I understand he needs to make sense of the emotions floating around in the room. And I know all of this sounds a little petty, but this is where my question lies: when I finally tell him how he's made me feel because of his negative initial response, he deflects by asking, "Am I not allowed to voice my concerns?" This feels incredibly manipulative. So I'm not allowed to feel hurt and upset by his negativity squelching my very small dream?

Am I over-sensitive? Should I be the the one apologizing? Usually I do, but I've had it. Something doesn't feel right, so I don't bend this time. Of course he's allowed to voice his concerns, but maybe his way of communicating them and timing is flawed. And now he's moping, stuck in his head, and ignoring me. And the whole experience has just completely ruined the morning. I know in sociology our types aren't necessarily compatible, and it's been bumpy, but we've grown a lot together. So I just want to know how we can work through these differences.

--------------------

The both of you need to improve your communication skills. As far as I can tell, you're both being oversensitive, for reasons uncertain, though it can likely be traced back to auxiliary development issues. In this case, "oversensitivity" means reading too much into the intent of people's words and/or ascribing the wrong intent.

On your part, you accused him of being too negative, with the intention of shutting you down, even manipulating you. On his part, he accused you of not allowing him to voice his opinion, as though you often intend to silence him. Neither of you seems to have interpreted the situation correctly. Now that some time has passed and you're calmer, I hope you can go back and review what happened more objectively.

First, do you genuinely believe that you both have a right to voice an opinion? If not, then you have a problem of not allowing people to be authentic, which means they won't like being around you. If you do believe in freedom of expression, then act like it. In this situation, your way of thinking basically boils down to, "I will only allow you to have an opinion if you express it exactly the way I want you to". Is this reasonable? Is this true freedom of expression?

In this kind of situation, freedom of expression means people are entitled to their individual likes, preferences, and opinions. Period. No explanations, qualifications, or conditions owed. This means he was actually being somewhat generous in providing you with the reasoning behind his decision.

You didn't agree with his reasoning, which is your right. But what's most important in a disagreement isn't the disagreement itself but how you respond to it. Where things started going wrong is that you disagreed with him based on what is true for YOU while overlooking that there might be a difference in what is true for HIM. For example, perhaps he couldn't handle the distance as well as you for some reason?

In your reaction, you immediately launched into personal attacks by judging him as too closed-minded, "negative", "self-assured", or "ridiculous". This then made you too angry to engage in an objective discussion about the merits of the idea. Even when you don't say your personal attacks out loud, the negative/aggressive emotions still get expressed through your inability to communicate. The fact is you did not respect his opinion, and he knew it.

What if you had said something like, "Yes, I see why you would say the distance is far. I don't mind the distance, though, so I would still like to go. You may join me if you like or I can go ahead without you." Do you think he would've reacted as negatively? The first sentence shows that you hear his point and understand his perspective. The second sentence expresses your preference without any judgment or hostility about his. The last sentence gives him a true choice in the matter, which respects his right to his preferences.

Even if it's true that he exhibits a pattern of being too negative/extreme in his estimation of things, people respond much better to criticism when it is constructive rather than judgmental. If you had approached the discussion from the perspective of care, e.g., of not wanting him to suffer from too much negativity, then he'd probably be more willing to hear you out. But when you approach it from "be what I want you to be", expect people to get defensive.

He is also an unskilled communicator. Because he was offended, he wasn't able to empathize with you when you were upset. He didn't take enough time to investigate your perspective and understand why his words didn't land well. Saying "am I not allowed to voice my concerns?" was not a manipulative but a defensive maneuver. It is a kneejerk reaction to feeling judged, and you were indeed judging him.

In my view, this is not mainly a problem of personality/compatibility but rather emotional immaturity on both sides (that foments unhealthy function expression). You have a habit of being too easily offended and judgmental upon hearing something you disagree with, which makes it too difficult for you to engage in objective and reasonable discussion. He has a habit of being too negative and handling disagreement in the wrong way by compulsively trying to prove a point, which destroys people's willingness to engage in empathetic and productive discussion. These are personal flaws that, if left uncorrected, are likely to cause recurring relationship friction.