#don't get me started on Spock's boots

[horsechestnut]

I’m only five minutes into Final Frontier and so far it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen...

[woman-of-many-fandoms]

So I had AI come with with a conversation between the 3 Spocks, 3 Kirks and 2 McCoys. This is just for humor, not to start an AI discussion/argument so please none of that :)

SNW Spock: Fascinating. I am still grappling with the implications of my human-Vulcan heritage. The emotional and logical aspects of my nature often conflict.

TOS Spock: Indeed, young one. The key to balance lies in embracing both aspects, yet prioritizing logic. Emotional control is crucial for a Vulcan.

AOS Spock: (pausing, reflecting) I have walked the fine line between logic and emotion, often finding myself at odds with my own feelings. The needs of the many can be a heavy burden.

SNW Spock: I struggle with the weight of responsibility, too. As a younger Spock, I am still learning to navigate the complexities of command and diplomacy.

TOS Spock: Your inexperience can be an asset, SNW Spock. Fresh perspectives can lead to innovative solutions. Remember, logic and experience are not mutually exclusive.

AOS Spock: (nodding) And do not forget, the power of intuition. Sometimes, logic must be tempered with instinct and compassion.

SNW Spock: Your words are wise, AOS Spock. I will consider them as I continue on my journey.

TOS Spock: Indeed, the journey is lifelong. We must always strive to improve, to refine our logic and our character.

AOS Spock: (smiling slightly) And to find balance within ourselves. The universe is full of contradictions; we must learn to embrace them.

SNW Kirk: Gentlemen, I'm still getting used to the captain's chair. The responsibility is daunting at times.

TOS Kirk: (smirking) Ah, Jim, you'll find your footing. Just remember, the Enterprise is a ship, not a desk. Get out there and explore!

AOS Kirk: (grinning) Yeah, and don't be afraid to bend the rules a bit. Sometimes you gotta push the limits to get the job done.

SNW Kirk: (laughs) I think I'm still figuring out where the limits are, to be honest. But I'm eager to learn.

TOS Kirk: (serious) Jim, the most important thing is to trust your instincts. You have a good heart and a sharp mind. Don't second-guess yourself.

AOS Kirk: (nodding) And don't be afraid to show a little emotion, either. People respond to passion and conviction.

SNW Kirk: That's good advice, both of you. I'll keep it in mind.

TOS Kirk: (smiling) Just remember, Jim, the Enterprise is a team. Trust your crew, and they'll trust you.

AOS Kirk: (smirks) And don't forget to enjoy the ride, Captain. It's a wild one.

AOS McCoy: (smirking) Well, well, well. Look who's here. The original country doctor.

TOS McCoy: (chuckling) Ah, you're the young whippersnapper who's been playing me in the alternate timeline.

AOS McCoy: (laughs) That's right. I've been trying to fill your boots, but I'm not sure I've been entirely successful.

TOS McCoy: (smiling) I think you've done just fine, son. You've got the cantankerous part down pat.

AOS McCoy: (grinning) Thanks, I think. So, what's it like being a legend?

TOS McCoy: (winks) Oh, it's a real pain in the neck. But someone's gotta do it.

AOS McCoy: (laughs) I can imagine. I've had my share of dealing with Kirk's antics.

TOS McCoy: (chuckles) Ah, yes. Jim Kirk. He's a special one, isn't he?

AOS McCoy: (smirks) That's one way to put it. I've had to patch him up more times than I can count.

TOS McCoy: (laughs) Well, that's what makes life interesting, son. The unexpected.

SNW Kirk: Gentlemen, I think we've got a unique opportunity here. Eight minds, each with their own perspective...

TOS Kirk: (interrupting) And a whole lot of experience, Jim. Let's swap stories!

AOS Kirk: (grinning) Yeah, and maybe learn from each other's mistakes.

SNW Spock: Indeed, Captain. A most...fascinating gathering.

TOS Spock: (raising an eyebrow) I concur, Captain. The possibilities for knowledge sharing are vast.

AOS Spock: (nodding) And perhaps we can find new ways to apply our skills to the challenges we face.

TOS McCoy: (chuckling) And I'm sure we can all agree on one thing: our captains can be a might trying at times.

AOS McCoy: (laughs) Amen to that, brother!

SNW Kirk: (smiling) Hey, we're not that bad!

TOS Kirk: (smirking) Oh, yes, we are, Jim. But that's what makes life interesting.

AOS Kirk: (grinning) And that's what makes our jobs so much fun.

[twinkboimler]

different kind of tag game

Thanks for the tag @strangenewwords and @affixjoy !

all these things are like what do you read/watch/listen to.

my friends, we are on tumblr. i know this shit about you. you post about it fucking constantly.

i wanna know random shit. so here goes.

How do you heat water?

On the stovetop in my kettle! I only microwave my water if there's no alternative

Do you have a pen cup? If yes/what is the most non-pen item in it? Of course! I got mine as a gift a few years ago. I only have pens/pencils/highlighters in mine, though I do have Spock and Bones keychains hanging from the stylus pens (check out borb's store here and get yourself a spock keychain (the bones keychain is sold out) and get yourself some stickers too while you're at it!)

Do you have a favorite utensil? Tell me about it. I can't think of a specific one. But I like a tiny spoon when eating my soup, so I make sure to keep tiny spoons in the house

I wanna know about your socks. Do you not wear socks? Do you wear cool socks? Are they utilitarian? I wear black ankle socks with my tennis shoes and silly long socks with my boots! I've got a few pairs my mom knitted for me too.

What's the highest hotel/building floor you can take standing on a balcony? I'm pretty good with tall buildings, but I guess it depends what the railing situation is on this balcony. Is it just a single metal railing? Then I start getting anxious only a few floors up. But if there's a sense that I'm genuinely secured on this balcony, then I don't get anxious

Tag five people to learn actual things about them: @thetimetostrikeislater @an-absurd-epiphany @existentialcrisistime @torsamors and @trekinist

[cookiemom6067]

I know you’ve done a lot of snw podfics. But I was wondering about your opinions on the actual show.

Your favourite thing?

Something you wish they would explore?

Favourite character or episode?

Where would you rate it amongst the other Trek shows? 

A pet peeve?

(Not gonna lie, I put this last one so I could complain about the boots. I live in the city where the boots were designed and I can tell you from wearing them (you can buy them at the artist’s store)They are a nightmare to walk in incredibly uncomfortable. I hate them, it’s truly the most unrealistic thing about Strange New Worlds)

I've been sitting on this ask for a while, so I'm sorry about that.

Favorite thing: I really love the work the actors are doing. Ethan is a standout, and I love the work that Jess has done with Chapel and, of course, Anson.

I wish they would explore: They really fell into the Spock Chapel romance, but I liked her better in the first season when she was more independent. So, I guess that means I wish they world expand on Chapel's individual journey. I really don't see how they get from here to their TOS relationship (or lack of same).

Favorite character/episodes: I really loved Subspace Rhapsody, honestly. And the Those Old Scientists. I also loved The Elysian Kingdom. I guess I like the unusual ones, where the cast can do something fun and different. Among the regular episodes, Lost in Translation and All Those Who Wander are faves.

How would I rate it among Star Trek shows: I would rate it pretty high. My previous favorites have been the original series and Voyager. I watched TNG when it first started, but we stopped before it got good. It was several years into their run before I watched it again. I didn't really like the Dominion War and the prophets in DS9. I did faithfully watch Enterprise, but it had its issues, too. I also loved Discovery (especially S 2). I thought a lot of the criticism it got was made in bad faith due to racism and misogyny. I'm not best at the rating thing, but it's definitely one that I love and rewatch. It also pulled me back into active Star Trek fandom in a big way, so I'm grateful for that.

I have a peeve that is growing, and that's when they make Spock the butt of so many jokes. I loved Charades when I first saw it, but as I rewatched few times, I got annoyed at the way they want to make his dedication to "the Vulcan Way" all down to biology. Why would his ethical and cultural values just go out the window (looking at you, bacon scene)? The teachings of Surak are a choice that is made. No child is born reserved and logical. See: the bullying that he went through. We've known Vulcans can reject Surakian logic as far back as "The Final Frontier."

I've seen the first look we got from SDCC, and honestly, I hated it. Now, they are saying bigotry (and hairstyles) is in the DNA, as well? Doubling down in the problemmatic part of Charades? I really dislike his closest friends treating him that way. I hope the rest of the episode redeems it, I'm trying to be optimistic, but how could Spock trust them after that?

[browneyesandhair]

Hey! It's ya girl! April Edition

I got no chill and a large obsession with a lot of things. So this year, I'm tracking it! Okay, so this year, is the year of recs! (you may have seen some of my posts, but I also have an extensive queue, so maybe not (check out the #recs on my page)). Running a little behind (it's already June, oops!)

Anyways, I've created a collection for this year overall and then also for each month! Let's check out April's stats -

Works read (&finished): 112

Fandoms (top 8):

1 - Bridgerton: 33

2 - Harry Potter: 28

3 - The Vampire Diaries: 16

4 - Young Justice: 15

5 - Les Miserables: 13

6 - Criminal Minds: 2

7 - Percy Jackson and the Olympians: 1

8- Merlin: 1

The rest didn't make the first drop down section of AO3, so oh well! Let's check in on relationships (top 8):

1 - Polin: 33

2 - Klaroline: 16

3 - Spitfire: 14

4- Enjolras/Eponine: 13

5 - Harmony: 9

6 - Hinny: 5

7 - Roy Harper/Jade Nguyen: 4

8 - Dick Grayson/Zatanna Zatara: 2

Quite a few recs that were reread/added to the list this month:

Harry Potter:

The Changeling by Annerb

Summary:

Ginny is sorted into Slytherin. It takes her seven years to figure out why.

Sequels also read: pick it up, pick it all up and start again, we can still be, who we said we were, and in my head we do everything right

Six Pomegranate Seeds by Seselt

Summary:

At the end, something happened. Hermione clutches at one fraying thread, uncertain whether she is Arachne or Persephone. What she does know is that she will keep fighting to protect her friends even if she must walk a dark path.

Sequels also read: Bouquet of Asphodels

Forever Means Forever by cocoartist

Summary:

If she ever saw Unspeakable Number 37 again she would kill him with her bare hands: Hermione's research into the Veil has an unexpected side-effect. COMPLETE.

Les Mis:

It Is Not a Word Spoken by CrazyAce_n_PokerFace

Summary:

*…I don't understand. You can't possibly be suggesting you were seriously trying to sext me.* She stares at his words and exhales slowly before typing, *And if I was…?* É/E Modern AU. The long-awaited sexting fic. Very NSFW. Dedicated to the wonderful samthenardier as a birthday gift. Title taken from the lovely poem "It Is Not a Word" by Sara Teasdale.

Merlin:

Radioman by Footloose

Summary:

The reason SAS Captain Arthur Pendragon can't keep a communications specialist in Team Excalibur because none of them are good enough. And then Lieutenant Merlin Emrys gets assigned to his squad, and Arthur does everything he can to prove that Merlin isn't good enough, either. Except he is.

Atla:

Returned for a Better Try (to Make a Better Time) by atypicalhypocrite

Summary:

The Fire Lord’s blast is sharp and thorough. Still on his knees before his father, a thirteen year old dies instantly. Another Zuko, once teacher to the avatar and a Fire Lord himself, jolts into being in his place, and deals with the consequences. Timeline preservation nothing, he’s going to be a better Fire Lord this time, and start sooner.

Star Trek:

Ten Degrees Below Zero by kianspo

Summary:

After a serious incident aboard a starship, Commander Spock is demoted and transferred to a remote base where he must now serve with other "undesirables." He adjusts to his new rank and duties, and, while the future does look bleak, he is not ready to give up on himself or Starfleet yet. There is work to be done and hope to be found, especially as he begins to get to know his new colleagues, particularly one intriguing engineering officer James Kirk...

The Vampire Diaries:

At Horizon's Edge by Cupcakemolotov

Summary:

Sometimes when a girl goes on a shopping trip to pick up a new pair of boots at the local, and somewhat hostile, human space station, she accidentally aids and abets a prison break instead. What happens in the black really doesn't stay in the black.

The Umbrella Academy:

broken still you breathe (breathe, breathe, just breathe) by Eternal_Peace_is_Overrated

Summary:

“He’s not coming,” Luther says impatiently. “Let's just get this over with.” “Who’s not coming?” The voice sounds behind them suddenly, and all of them startle and whip around in synchronization. “Klaus,” Luther hears himself say distantly. “You’re…here.” Four tilts his head, bringing his hand to his lips and inhaling deeply around the cigarette dangling between his fingers. When he exhales, the smoke curls around his head like a halo before drifting into the air. “Yeah, well, I would’ve gotten here sooner,” Four says around the cigarette. “But I just really didn’t want to.” *** Number Four shows up to the funeral three hours late with an iced latte in one hand and a cigarette dangling from the other. Or; Klaus fled the Academy the day they turned eighteen. He never looked back. Ten years later, their father dies. Number Four returns. And none of them quite know what to do with this new version of their black sheep brother. AKA: Klaus single-handedly stops the apocalypse. It really wasn't that hard, so if everyone could stop looking at him like that, that would be great, thanks.

Bridgerton:

Plenty Far To Fall by useyourtelescope

Summary:

When financial troubles mean third-son Colin Bridgerton must cease his yearly travels and find employment instead, he has difficulty finding something suitable. Until he learns of a unique position being offered by the notorious gossip columnist Lady Whistledown.

Alright, that's all folks (mostly), for fun, here are the top 8 additional tags from the stories that I read in April:

AU - Modern Setting: 24

AU: 16

Smut: 14

Fluff: 10

Friends to Lovers: 10

AU - Canon Divergence: 9

Angst: 8

Explicit Sexual Content: 7

And, that's all folks (for real this time)!

[dragon-of-the-night]

OK, so only six of them are continued from TOS with the original actors playing the original characters, three are "new" (the first one came out in 2009, which I count as new, but I guess they're getting on in years now) films about the TOS characters, but played by different actors and four of them are about the TNG characters (I won't talk about them, because I haven't watched any of them yet). So, the original TOS movies...

Star Trek: The Motion Picture - This is a bit of an odd one - some people like it, some people don't. I wasn't really sure what to make of it when I watched it. The plot is a bit odd, way too many minutes of the film are dedicated to long shots of the Enterprise, which can get a bit boring after a while, and the outfits are weird, to say the least. But overall, I think it's a good film that's underappreciated (and the director's cut is supposed to be better, however, unfortunately I don't own that version and haven't watched it :(). If you want to skip any of the Trek movies, I'd say this is your one to skip, it doesn't really add to the characters or later plots that much (but as a hardcore Trek fan, I think it's worth watching all of them, if anything just to make up your own opinion on the lot :D).

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - What most people consider to be the absolute best out of all of them. It's not my favourite, personally, but I understand why it's considered one of the best. For one thing, it brings back an old TOS antagonist and not only that, the actor who originally played him! There's lots of drama in this film and an ending that will leave you shocked, speechless and heartbroken. Definitely worth a watch. If you watch this one, however, it's crucial to watch the next two films, as they make up a sort of trilogy inside the six movies.

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock - My personal favourite of the lot. The emotions in this film are intense and so real you feel them along with the characters (which is perfect for me, as someone who loves angst). The plot isn't nearly as ludicrous as you might think after watching the ending of TWOK - it does actually make some sense. This is also the film that makes me really love Kirk as a character, as I usually prefer the other characters to him. But in this film, Shatner plays him perfectly. Also, Doctor McCoy gets a decent part in this film, which is always a bonus for me, as he's my favourite character ;)

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - Goodness, where to start with this one? TVH is the comic relief movie after the intense drama and emotions of TWOK and TSFS. Not only is it hilarious and enjoyable to watch, but it also works climate change and anti-whaling messages into the plot. Basically, the plot is about saving a couple of humpback whales. A perfect movie with zero flaws!

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - The one everyone hates! The worst Star Trek movie of all time! Ironically, and perhaps unsurprisingly, I love this movie. Sure, it's bad - the plot is awful and there are some terrible writing choices, but it's such a fun movie to watch, I genuinely don't understand the hate it gets! The first time I watched it, I kept waiting for it to get worse, but it just didn't. Perhaps it's because I had already seen the worst bits in edits and a few movies clips, but I just couldn't hate the film. It might also be because I'm a hardcore McSpirk shipper that I love this film - all three main characters get pretty much equal screentime, which makes a very welcome change. We get to see triumvirate go camping, roast marshmallows and sing Row, Row Your Boat together! Kirk nearly dies from falling off a vertical rockface he was climbing for literally no reason! Spock has rocket boots that are never seen again in future films! Scotty and Uhura hook up, which is also never mentioned again! I didn't even hate the character of Sybok as much as I thought I would (although I really wish they hadn't given him that character twist near the beginning - whoever had that idea should have gotten fired). You don't really need to watch this film in terms of plot continuation, but it's a really important piece of Trek history, so in my opinion, it's a must-watch.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country - This is a film I never really see anyone talk about. I hope you like Klingons, because this one's got lots of them! I kind of have mixed feelings on this film - it's definitely not my favourite, but I in no way think it's a bad film - the tone is pretty melancholy throughout, as they knew it was to be the last TOS film. My favourite part of this film was having Kirk and McCoy stranded together. McCoy was always an underused character even though he was one of the main three and it was nice (as much as I love Spock) not to have the generic Kirk and Spock pairing in all the dangerous situations. You don't really need to watch this one either, but as the very last film with the entire cast of original characters left, I wouldn't skip it, personally.

Star Trek AOS, AKA New Star Trek TOS, AKA JJ Abram's Star Trek - The new-ish movies. I have mixed feelings on these to be honest. There's only three of them currently. I enjoyed them when I watched them, but I have a lot of problems with them collectively. For starters, I didn't find the characters nearly as compelling as the TOS versions. Even in the third film, I didn't really feel like the character relationships had developed properly. They bring back Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness (the second film), but while I like Benedict Cumberbatch overall as an actor, he definitely was not the right person to play Khan. They totally whitewashed a Mexican character. If you skip any Star Trek movies, these are the ones to ignore. They don't really bring anything to the Trek timelines (apart from Leonard Nimoy appearing in two of the films, that was pretty epic).

I hope that my accidental-Star-Trek-essay helped! I personally wouldn't skip any of the films, but if six feels a bit daunting, just prioritise watching TWOK, TSFS and TVH - they're the best and I think the most universally-enjoyed. I hope you have a fun time watching them!

I've finished star trek TOS!!! It was fun, but I think the movies will be better, at least I did until I found out there were like 13 of them! Which ones are good/ important to understand the characters and which ones can I pass? Or are all of them good??

[honeyyoni]

Lately I got some requests about my figures and I know that some of you are collectors of action figures/ dolls or Star Trek fans or both. So I thought a little review is perhaps interesting for you.

Qmx launched their line of Star Trek figures in 2016 to the 50th anniversary of TOS, starting with Kirk and Spock. And this year they released a reissue of both.

Both versions are sold out at QMX but some retailers may still have a few or you can always look for a pre-owned one via eBay or similar platforms.

However one crazy person (me) who already owns the first released Spock could not help herself to get the reissue Spock figure too and realized that there are noticeable differences between the two. So if you consider to get yourself one of the two and are in doubt if you should look for the first release or the second one, I will compare them for you.

Here are the two gentlemen in front of their boxes, which are also different from each other. On the left, first issue Spock I will call Spock 1 and on the right re-issue Spock, I will call Spock 2.

At first or maybe second glaze you may notice that Spock 2's body is leaner than Spock 1's.

If you think about Spock's famous role model, the gorgeous Leonard Nimoy, the leaner body is probably more accurate.

Regarding the level of articulation and quality, both bodies are quite equal to each other. They are solid and the joints work well. As you can see below and maybe in some of my posts, the many points of articulation make it easy to pose both gentlemen very lifelike.

But before we take a closer look at them, let's have a look at their boxes.

Spock 1's box opens very easily like a book and closes with two magnets very nice and neat. It is not only a nice design IMO but also very friendly if you don't want to damage the box when you unbox the figure.

Spock 2's box slides open and close. As far as I heard, this is the standard for the most action figures, however the risk of damaging the box is higher and the other design is more fancy.

Let's have a look at their uniforms :

I could not find any difference in the material and color, but I noticed some differences in the tayloring and the insignia.

The shirt of Spock 2 on the right side is more fitted than Spock 1's shirt on the left. Additionally to the actually slightly leaner body of Spock 2, the more loose fitted shirt of Spock 1 is also a reason why he looks from certain angles a bit bulkier than Spock 2.

It seems to me that they really took an effort to improve the sewing pattern of the shirt. The shirt of Spock 2 is not only better fitted, also the sleeves are longer.

That's an advantage for me because I personally like it when my figures joints are covered. If you have a look at Spock 2's sleeves you can see that they are long enough to cover Spock's hand joints even when his arms are reaching out. The sleeves of Spock 1's shirt are shorter and only cover the hand joints when his arms are relaxed.

But apart from the better fit, there are also some important details, the 1st issue version can claim to their advantage. If you look at Spock 1's cuff on the left it looks way more dimensional, detailed and accurate than Spock 2's who looks more like simply painted.

The insignia on the chest of Spock 2 is bigger than Spock 1's insignia and seems a bit out of scale to me. The smaller insignia looks better scaled.

Ok let's go to the bottoms.

The pants are pretty identical. Coming to the boots, I can't see any significant difference too. I heard that some people say the boots of the re-issued version (right) are glossier. To me, they look almost the same.

Let's have a look at the hands and accessories.

The relaxed hands are quite different.

Spock 1's hands on the left seem to me a bit more in scale and naturally shaped while Spock 2's hands seem to be a bit too large, especially the pointing finger seems quite fleshy, compared to the whole figure as well as to the other fingers. Even though, through the camera I noticed that the paint of Spock 2's hands looks more lifelike. This means actually the shape of Spock 1's hands combined with the paint of Spock 2's hands would make the perfect hands.

All the other hands are identically shaped in both versions. The difference is the slightly darker skin tone of Spock 1's hands and the more lifelike coloring of Spock 2's hands.

But another difference that I noticed is that the material composition of Spock 2's hands is slightly softer. I would neither say that this is an advantage nor a disadvantage, it is just different. However, it's maybe a bit more easier to put accessories in Spock 2's hands.

The accessories they come with (Phaser, Tricorder and Communicator) are identical both in their looks and functions.

The Communicator can open and close, the Phaser can be separated very easily from a type 1 to a type 2 Phaser and snaps back nice and neat with a magnet that holds everything securely in place. And Spock's Tricorder opens and closes also very nice.

After all the accessories look amazingly realistic, just like in the series and the several hands fit very well with them.

The only thing is that 1st issue Spock was also available as an exclusive version with his famous Vulcan lute. Unfortunately I was too late to get the exclusive version and I'm a bit disappointed that the re-issue is only available without lute.

Now let us finally have a closer look at the skin tone and head sculpts.

The first picture shows Spock 1 in front and profile, the second Spock 2.

In fact both are adorable because it's impossible to be not adorable when you are a resemblance of Leonard Nimoy.

However when the first issue Spock came out, most of the people who reviewed him remarked that the skin tone is unusually dark for Spock. And some of them also remarked this kind of glossy finish that can be visible mainly through camera, depending on the light and angle.

Spock 2 has a lighter skin tone and his painting is matt. Of course the lighter skin tone is more accurate.

So at first glance you could say that the painting of the re-issue version is better than the painting of the first one because the skin tone is more accurate and no glossy finish. I heard from several people that they prefer the second version.

After all, they are both very close together and the painting of both is terrific. For example the eyes of both look so lifelike, or this dark shading around their chin and cheek area is fantastic and just looks like their facial hair is shining through on the end of a long day of duty at Star Fleet.

But there is one thing why I personally don't agree that Spock 2's painting is better.

This glossy finish of Spock 1 is more visible through camera than in hand. In fact if you compare both in hand, they are very close. But if you'd ask me who of them looks more lifelike and not like a doll, it's Spock 1. I can't exactly explain why, maybe because of this finish that let's him look a bit shiny sometimes. He simply looks more vivid.

But this is my personal perception and other people may have their own opinions.

Honestly I can't say that one is better than the other. It also depends on what is important for you because both have their advantages.

The box of the 1st issue is fancier, more stable and easier to handle.

When it comes to the appearance of both figures:

Spock 1's face looks more vivid, his relaxed hands are more in scale while Spock 2's leaner body and lighter skin tone is more accurate to the role model and the painting of his hands is more lifelike.

When it comes to the clothing:

Spock 1's insignia both on the chest and cuffs looks way better in quality and scale while Spock 2's shirt is better fitted, especially in the sleeves to cover his joints.

And the accessories are identical, except you could get 1st issue exclusive Spock with his vulcan lute.

After all, I love them both. And there is only one thing better than having a little Spock, having two little Spocks...

[trekking-for-logic-and-stars]

Captain courts Vulcan

Jim: *hanging halfway over the right arm of his Captain's chair, a bright and flirtatious smile on his face* Hey, Spock!

Spock: *turns around from where he is jotting notes on his electronic notepad* Yes, Captain?

Jim: *bites his lip to hide his laugh* Can I tie your shoes? Cause I don't want you falling for anyone else.

McCoy: *in the background: rolls his eyes, shakes his head and throws his arms up in the air before covering his eyes with his hand* [He is 1,701% done]

Spock: *confused* Captain, I do not understand. My boots do not contain any sort of laces with which you can- *closes his mouth when Jim bursts out laughing, Jim doubling over in his chair*

Spock: *narrows his eyes, squinting*

McCoy: Oh, for the love of- he just used a pick-up line on you, Spock. *narrows his eyes grumpily* God awful one at that...

Spock: A...'pick-up line'? *raises eyebrow* I do not understand. In what way is a line meant to 'pick me up?'

Jim: *roars with laughter*

McCoy: *gets up* Alright, that's it! No more damned pick-up lines on this bridge or I'm hauling your ass down to the MedBay under reasonable cause to believe you've gone delirious!

Spock: Doctor, explain to me the function of a 'pick-up line;' I request that you-

McCoy: No! You're not requesting me to do squat! Look it up yourself if you really want to know, you damned green-blooded hobgoblin!

Jim: *adopts a mischievous smile* Spock, baby; if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.

Spock: *green flush spreads across his face and the tips of his pointed ears*

Jim: *throws himself out of his chair as Bones lunges for him*

McCoy: JIM!!! GET OVER HERE!! *chases him about the bridge* *the other crewman scramble in an attempt to try and stay out of the way*

Jim: *jumps over one of the control stations and keeps in line with Bones on the other side of it, matching the doctor's movements and ready to dart out of the way if he needs to*

McCoy: *scowls*

Jim: *grins* Bones, did you sit in a pile of sugar?

McCoy: NO.

Jim: You sure?

McCoy: NO. DON'T SAY IT.

*the bridge becomes silent, everyone holding their breath as seconds pass, and then...*

Jim: Cause you have a pretty sweet ass. *darts off with Bones hot on his tail, the two leaving the bridge with the chase*

McCoy: YOU GET YOUR SMART ASS BACK HERE, YOU DAMNED PUNK!!!!

Spock: *watches them leave in a ruckus, surprised and still mildly confused; takes over the conn and gives out a few orders, sitting in the Captain's chair and starting up his PADD; researches 'pick-up lines' before flushing green again and firmly putting the device down* *staring @ the chair's armrest he places his hand upon it fondly* Most illogical... *a smile escapes him*

- END

[snek-of-eden]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

@trentcrimminallybeautiful I'm going to slip in here if that's alright? It's definitely been a while since I've done one of these. (Also hi, so nice to follow your account again - I've made a new account but I used to be a big fan of your ted/trent content!!)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

As of now, 33. Though it'll be 34 as soon as I gather the motivation to post a new one shot I've been working on. No plans on stopping, either!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

317,176, titles and things I've co-written notwithstanding. From roughly March 2023 - 2034.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Ah, the age-old question. The fandoms I write (and have written) for are Good Omens (both TV show and novel), Star Trek TOS + the original movies, Ted Lasso, Our Flag Means Death and One Direction. I used to write for The Owl House, She-Ra and Gilmore girls too, but those fics no longer exist in the public domain. G

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Lavender Apiary Of Your Honey Eyes - (Aziraphale/Crowley, 507 kudos)

Diffusing Lights, Confusing Times - (Aziraphale/Crowley - 351 kudos)

pausing the world to stay right where we are - (Aziraphale/Crowley - 195 kudos)

Onward. Forward. - (Ted/Trent - 188 kudos)

Eggnog and Effervescence - (Aziraphale/Crowley - 185 kudos)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes, I do! It might take me a while to catch up, but I always make an effort to respond to people. And I really really appreciate them so much! Positive fandom engagement is so helpful to authors' motivation, and it's special to know someone is enjoying the content you've put time and effort into. So yep, I respond to comments.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Generally I don't write unhappy endings, since I write what I want to read and I want my characters to heal once I shatter their souls in a million pieces <3 but oh boy am I the king of ambiguously-angsty endings. One that stands out is lost in your drunken haze, or maybe The Sorriest Stage (from Good Omens and Star Trek, respectively).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmmm, most of them have really happy endings!! Or at least content ones. I like wrapping my blorbos in fluffy blankets and giving them hot chocolate heh. wood smoke and sugar and Pride Of Place are pretty euphoric, though :]

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully not much, so far. Constructive criticism that is more 'criticism' than 'constructive', certainly, but not outright hate.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Oh, absolutely! It's not a main focus of mine, but I've written my fair share of characters knocking boots. Usually only as part of longer stories though, not stand-alone fics. Always consensual and sweet (but hopefully hot too!). I like writing gender-diverse characters exploring those parts of themselves, as well as tackling themes of sex-positive asexuality in my works.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Crossovers have never really appealed to me, so I haven't publicly posted any. I've started a couple, but they never went anywhere.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had unique aspects of fics stolen, yes.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No! I'm open to the idea, though.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, I have :D. It was a pretty strange experience because I was the only one fluent in English, but fun nevertheless.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Dude, that one's so tough!! A million are whirling through my head, but I'm going to stick to my gut and say either Aziraphale/Crowley from Good Omens or Kirk/Spock from Star Trek TOS. They're just adorable agh T-T

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I only have one abandoned WIP right now (wahoo! here's to stubborn author's guilt) and I don't think I'm ever going to finish it. Looking back, the plot isn't great and it feels slightly immoral writing about real-life people who I no longer ship together, so I think that one's gonna stay unfinished. At least I left it on a good note so nobody gets mad about a cliffhanger. lol

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm pretty good at writing evocative descriptions, and I'd say I'm alright at doing scenes of cuddles/casual intimacy (my favourite tropes in the history of forever)!! And I'm pretty stubborn, so once I set my mind to something I'll generally finish it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm impatient, so I tend to miss things or not edit enough once I've completed a draft. I also have a million ideas, barely any of which actually get written. I've filled notebooks upon notebooks with plots and motives that will never be expanded upon or even looked at again.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Personally I don't do it very often. My native language is English but I know a bit of Spanish and Italian, so I feel relatively confident if I ever need to add dialogue in those languages. Usually I'll add context within the fic as to what the character has said, or write it out in italics at the end of the paragraph. For alien languages I'll use a translator, since there isn't much of a direct comparison. If I need to write dialogue in a language I'm completely unfamiliar with, I'd probably go to someone more knowledgable than me and ask for their help so as not to screw it up and be insensitive. :)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I believe it was She-Ra and the Princesses Of Power (reboot). Thankfully those fics never saw the light of day. First fandom I wrote for and posted was One Direction (I shudder thinking about those dark days lol).

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Lavender Apiary Of Your Honey Eyes, hands down. 100%. That one holds a special place in my heart <3

Thank you so much, this was really fun!

npt: @foolishlovers @fried-marshmelon or anyone who wants to do it <3

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Tagged by @rngaredead :)

For simplicity's sake I'm going to go with just my biDEMONium/trentcrimminallybeautiful ao3 and not try to combine it with my thesorrowoflizards one (why do i have more than one? because i was, among other things, an idiot who didn't know how pseuds worked next question) even though that would probably double some of these numbers lkfjgh

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Again, just on this account? 171 (some of those are oneshot compilations though)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

661,851 for now

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Ted Lasso, The Mysterious Benedict Society, The House on the Cerulean Sea, House MD, Death by Dying, Instinct, King Falls AM. Also, sort of Gravity Falls. Mostly those first two though, tbh. This one I think I will include other fandoms I've written and posted for on other accounts because it's fun and less about math. So also Shadowhunters, The Librarians, The Mentalist, The Dresden Files (TV), Roswell New Mexico, The Sandman, Star Trek, Professor Layton, Sanders Sides, Miraculous Ladybug, and sort of The Legend of Zelda. Also see, for unposted or posted a very long time ago and no longer something I would willingly share, Supernatural, Dirk Gently (both 2016 and 2010), Doctor Who, Warehouse 13, SurrealEstate, Person of Interest, Haven, Leverage, Bones. Psych, and probably more

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Ted Lasso Kisses Trent Crimm On The Mouth (Trent/Ted - 1,157 kudos)

semaphore (Trent/Ted; Trent & Colin - 997 kudos)

off the handle (Trent/Ted - 736 kudos)

linger (Trent/Ted - 709 kudos)

a preacher, a bikini, and a kiss or two (Trent/Ted; Diamond Dogs - 673 kudos)

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to but I always get really busy/tired and then it's been so long it feels like it would be weird if I did. Plus, sometimes my answers by nature of the comments can get repetitive and then even though I'm being sincere I feel insincere which sucks. However, if a comment has a direct question or something I actually have like, something unique to say about, I'm much more likely to respond sooner rather than later/never. I appreciate every single comment soooo much though literally my motivation to get through the day like 80 percent of the time

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I'm going to stick with Ted Lasso fics here since I have so many fics posted and this is my Ted Lasso sideblog and say... well, most of the time I have a bittersweet ending and then some sort of hopeful epilogue (such as with ink sunset and make a mess of you) but I guess betrayal's sting / absolution's balm or something to get off my chest may qualify?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uhhh, honestly, most of them are happy endings. I think trick & treat and matters of the heart end on particularly high notes?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not in this fandom! Yet

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Oh, yeah, baby. So much. Not sure what "kind" means in this context. It sure is explicit smut. I have tended almost exclusively towards hot transgender sex the last few years because. yknow. hi. but somehow I don't think that's the intention in the question.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I do, but I haven't posted a lot. Only one on this account (a Gravity Falls x The Mysterious Benedict Society crossover that started as a joke because of a shared actress) although I had an interesting Shadowhunters x The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess fusion on my other account. I've written some pretty weird WIPs, though. And I've got some posts about Ted Lasso crossover/AUs, like a Sarah Jane Adventures AU, a Pushing Daisies AU, a Stardust AU... You can find that kind of thing in this tag on my blog.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes. Not in this fandom, though, as far as I'm aware.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Again, not in this fandom, though.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not really.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Oh, man, I don't know if I can decide. Magnus/Alec (TV version only I'll die on this hill) will always hold a special place in my heart, but I've got other "obsessed with this when I was a kid" ships and also recency bias/current hyperfixation means Trent/Ted screams as an immediate answer, and so on and so forth. I'm bad at picking favorites. Overall, I'd probably say one of those two, or both.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Sticking to Ted Lasso again (I have. so many MBS WIPs. god.) I'd say lost sight of (who you are) (lost motivation, want to finish, fuck!!) or sweeter than heaven (hotter than hell) (got mad at it), or!! oh!!! ink sunset (stuck) and possibly the next installment of matters of the heart. Yeah, I have a problem

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm pretty good at being funny and also at eloquent but perhaps a little too verbose metaphors. I love me an elaborate metaphor

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

It's hard for me to focus and get what I have in my head out sometimes, even when I really want to. Whether it's being unable to organize or just my brain flat-out refusing to cooperate and do anything. Also, I'm way too like. easily discouraged with lack of feedback, and even a little negative feedback can kind of ruin my week and make me never wanna go back to that story ever again.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I just realized. The questions seemed familiar but I wasn't sure why and now I know, now that I've gotten to this question. I have done this game before and I remember bc of this question. I was confused bc it was under a different name, I think the questions were in a different order, and it was sometimes slightly differently worded but nope! This is the same one! Weird Anyway, just for this particular question, I'm going to copy-paste my old answer because I'm lazy. I’m extremely bad at linguistics in general, so if I must include someone talking in another language in my fic, I think I’d tend to cheat and do italics or some other indication that this is ‘in another language’ (ie “Where are you going?” she asked in Russian), but that’s admittedly a lazy approach. But I also think it’s probably better than butchering it with an auto-translator? Also, when people just include the translation in the end notes, even with a link (although that makes it marginally better) it breaks the flow of the story and makes it hard to read. Making an effort to at least match grammar is good (which I would do if it was for longer than a single scene, probably) but I think the best solution is when people know what they’re doing and like, have an actual translation with a little html code so you can click on it and it reveals what it means? Or if you’re clever, revealing what it means using context around it, but that has its own limitations. So that both like, uses the actual language and doesn’t break up the flow. It balances accessibility, flow, and respect for the other language in question well. But you’ve got to both know what you’re doing with the language (either asking someone/hiring someone/knowing the language yourself) and the html (although there are guides for that you’d have to spend time figuring it out + know it exists in the first place to look). And this is fanfiction, something we ultimately do for free in our spare time, so the lazy approach, I think, can be understandable. Maybe not in every context, but it’s not worth stressing a lot over in a few random lines or anything, you know? It is really cool when people do know a language well enough to include it properly in a fic, though, it can say a lot about a character or dynamic; and their background(s) and like. it’s neat :)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Ever? Doctor Who. And I don't remember the order, but after that I know I wrote some stuff about Star Trek (mostly TNG but I believe also TOS), Supernatural, A:LTA, Marvel, WTNV, and the Stanley Parable? I think I first posted either Supernatural or WTNV

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

I have no idea. Some of my top ones (for Ted Lasso again) would be matters of the heart and trick & treat I suppose?

Tagging: whoever wants to do this man, I probably tagged everyone I'd normally tag last time so if you see this and you wanna do it, go ahead and tag me and do it!

[bcnes-archived]

"Magic," he echoes without really thinking, the beginnings of a disbelieving scoff in his voice - despite that, somehow when he continues it almost sounds like an earnest question. "Is that what they call it on your world?" That's, actually, a surprisingly uncommon notion across most of the galaxy. McCoy would define magic as just advanced science, something not-quite understood by a population. Most planets they stumble across haven't encountered anything like that. They're either naturally inclined to such 'powers' as telepathy, or fully aware of the technology they've been able to harness. It makes him wonder about the state of interference on the man's planet, but that's something to bring up to Jim, not his conundrum to ponder alone.

"Never mind. This is hardly the first time, and there's never been an ounce of magic involved with it. Science, yes," he rises without really thinking about it, bouncing on his heels, thinking. "Life-entity transfers, synaptic pattern displacement - don't get me started on the transporter." Such incidents are nigh-unavoidable when you're throwing your atoms haphazardly into space like that, expecting them to come back in the right way, hoping your brain patterns will wind up in the correct body once it's reformed. But before he can really gear himself up for another rant on that, he clamps his jaw shut, grinding his teeth a little - which feels damn unusual, in the same way that everything else does, from his too-long fingers down to the too-high heels. He sorely misses the comfort of Starfleet-regulation boots.

"It can be fixed, 's all I mean. I'll comm Scotty," he pinches the bridge of his nose, rubbing at his forehead, and then pulls his hand away to study his nails. Huh. "And Jim, I suppose." Because even if he tried to keep these unusual circumstances secret from the rest of the crew, Jim would find out; and if he tells Jim, Jim will tell Spock, and that covers all his bases. "In the meantime let's not do anything stupid, either one of us. I'd like to think I know enough about your physiology from scans to know what I'm dealing with, here." The but at the end of that sentence goes unspoken, a prompt for any warnings he might need, because he knows from experience ( said experience being named Spock ) that some folks have a whole heaping plate of bullshit that doesn't turn up on scans. Second goddamn eyelid. He'll never forget.

That earned McCoy a glare from his own body. Piloting around. Hah! Despite his anger, however, his voice was just as stoic as ever. "You make it sound like I asked for this to happen. Or if I'm somehow at fault. Without using magic, how do you even have... this, out of all things, happen?" Venomous doesn't have any reason to not believe McCoy, though. So... he can only guess he truly hasn't done anything. Venomous is sure he hasn't either. But... Shadowy... Where would he have gone anyway? PV's too scared to ask aloud. He wouldn't dare try to probe his own brain either to check to make sure Shadowy was still with him. He'll just... have to take his mind off of it, for now. A long, exasperated sigh came from his mouth as he bowed his head, with a hand reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose - but the moment it touched, he cringed away. That definitely doesn't feel like his skin. There was always a bit of a dryness to it. Dare he say scaly, even. It's been forever since his own skin(if you can call it that) has felt like... this. It's normal human skin, he assumes, but it's still so bizarre and unfamiliar. There's no claws, even... usually his nails give a soft click when he pinches, but there was feeling from his - er - McCoy's fingertips instead. At least these uniforms feel comfortable. He's not in heels for once, either, so while there's still a sense of unfamiliarity when he tries to rise from the chair... there's a vague comfort in his feet. A shame that this stuff isn't stylish. "...Well," he starts to speak up once more, seemingly somewhat relaxed after being distracted by the oddness of this situation... until he had another moment of realization. Usually, there was a heavy exhaustion that weighed on him. Eyes nearly always threatening to close and force him to pass out where he stood. They definitely didn't have their usual heaviness to them. Great. Now simply staring feels so strange. What was he going to say again? ...Oh, right. "If it's not obvious to you, I didn't exactly have a plan ready either. I told you that I wanted to get out of here as soon as I could. And even before this whole situation started, the last thing I wanted was to have someone experience what it's like to live like me. This puts a damper on my usual day-to-day life, which I was perfectly content with, thank you very much." ...Okay, maybe that's a stretch to say. But he was managing. And to him, that's something. Now? He's... not quite sure. It's all too strange for him, even though this isn't the first time something like this had happened to him.

[emnesoi]

im going thru it and there are some bangers here. personal favorites below break:

'i don't listen to pop and hip hop like you plebs, i only listen to real music: anime theme songs and video game osts'

'horny snakes be like ssssssssssssssssex'

'people think that owning a company makes you manlier but guess what? "companies" is literally just "cum penis" when u say it ou tloud. that's gay'

'did jesus fuck'

'he mightve idk'

'apostate exam'

'check out my new star trek slashfic "spock and ball torture"'

'testosterone dipping sauce'

'feeling creamy'

'a shadowy hand reaches up and pulls your heart directly through the earth' [note: i was in a long distance relationship at the time]

'you wake up completely naked to something wet wriggling against your back. the sky is reddish-brown, and you look around to see a neverending field of tongues, each one alive and constantly writhing and licking.'

'is it gay to just enjoy sucking a dick but to get no sexual arousal from it whatsoever? like, just something about the taste or the texture or the process or some shit is enjoyable to you, but not in a sexual way, just in the same way that like you find good food enjoyable, or watching a good movie enjoyable. it is literally impossible for you to pop a boner from it because it is not sexual to you whatsoever, you just like it. is that gay?'

'asking for a friend'

'what if ur dick lips opened up and grinned at you'

'mr senator, I have not, nor have I ever been, a member of the furry party'

'my surgeon plugs my wounds with sticks of gum'

'everywhere I look I just see blank I don't know where it came from but it's not going anywhere. why does it matter? why is it here? what can I do about it? nothing ever happens around here. nothing will ever happen to me. I'm fucking invincible. I will die. everything I know came from the same source and I don't know why I trust it, it's the only way out. a way out. a way out. a way out. the thoughts slide off the tongue as they fall into place beside all the things I once held dear, burning them and saturating them with oily residue. I stand idly by as it is destroyed, a small needle flies up and hits the ceiling, cracks fly off everywhere and the ground collapses around me. I fall through and asleep, skin enveloping me. fully realized. unideal. it softens and a rip opens up inside the heart, and it grows and crawls into a lung where its tendrils dig into itself and it comes apart.'

'fun fact: if you collected all the earwax you produced in your entire life and put it in one place, that would be really gross'

'me showing a hot guy around my house them: "hey, what's this door?" me: "oh this? this is my sex room ;)" I slowly open the door to reveal a large room filled thigh-deep with tapeworms'

'dong'

'my boots are covered with a powerful psychedelic that makes you obey everything I say'

'subject found dead within home aviary. subject experienced loss of cognitive function, and reported scratching and various high-pitched noises coming from inside skull. autopsy revealed subject's cranium completely devoid of neural matter.'

'Oh No! You Have Fallen For My Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse'

'gay incel commune'

'docking with god'

'you see two bright glowing eyes in the pitch blackness at the foot of your bed, and you are overpowered with the smell of feces and putrefying semen. the eyes creep closer to you, and you feel pressure and corrosion on your chest. it lets out a groan, and you sink into your bed. you wake up in a room made of coral. there's enough room for you to sit slightly up on your hands. polyps emerge from the rock, wriggling against your exposed tissue. they start pumping out a juice which you feel dissolve you. it is extremely painful, but you don't notice. what takes your focus is your mind. you do not feel dead. you do not feel like you're dying, even though both of those are true. you feel enlightened. you feel your third eye opening and expanding. but it is blind, salted and corroded far too much to see.'

'I had just packed him in the soft damp ground / when my life got flipped turned upside down / as the man down under was standing there / gazing to the west with a maudlin stare / and he looked at me with his cold brown eyes and said / "what, did you think I'd stay there dead?" / "now I must inform you that I'm not all here" / the man said grimacing from ear to ear / he slid a knife between my ribs / and said "I don't quite like the cut of your jib / you're lazy and foolish and so full of hate / so just leave it to me to take your place." / and his face shifted round and round to match mine / every single dot, every single line / and he lay me there down in the damp ground / as all of my thoughts spilled out of his mouth.'

'I look into its eyes and I know. I know it has seen all. I know it is all-powerful. but it is feral. it looks up at me, its greasy brown hair matted with black mud, its twisted humanoid mouth mangled and scarred into a permanent snarl. I feel it penetrate my mind. at its behest I fall to the ground, writhing in the pain of my flesh being torn apart by its jaws as it looks on me from above. suddenly, I feel peace. I feel serenity. I feel at one.'

'if I don't know why you're doing something, you're doing it for attention'

'there are no touch or pain receptors in your brain. something could be in there, twitching and tinkering around, and you could never know.'

'eat my fuck nerd'

'when the revolution comes, the violent will be the first against the wall'

'yknow when u think about it when u see a movie ur rly seeing it twice at the same time bc u got 2 eyes'

'my new sex ed class grades on ability'

'again, we apologize for the inconvenience. fortunately, if we have done everything right, none of you will remember a thing. do not be alarmed if your home contains an empty bedroom.'

'make sure to vote for the candidate with the best eyebrows. that's power.'

'you're listening to music. slowly but surely your earbuds sink into your ears until you can't pull it out. the cords keep retreating until the point where the split reaches your jaw, forcing it shut, and finally garotting you as your favorite song blares loudly inside your brain.'

'I take my glasses off. my eyeballs come with them, hovering just behind the lenses. I breathe on the retinas, clean them with my sleeve, and put them back on.'

'theologists have determined that, as soon as you sin, you go straight to hell. that's it. you just sink through the ground and bam, eternal agony. based on this revelation, they have also determined that nothing is a sin.'

'you feel a tongue slowly licking up your neck. you raise your hand to swat away whoever's doing it, but there's nobody there. but the tongue is still working its way up to your ear. whatever it is, it can interact with you, but you can't interact with it. you are defenseless.'

'no officer this is a violation of my constitutional rights officer I need that loli hentai for self-defense'

'when we die, we are sent to the subway. it smells like piss and all the seats are full so you have to stand. occasionally some teenagers get on blasting music too loud until they leave, there's a creepy old man, and someone coughs a lot. you stay on this train car for eternity. and you stay in place that whole time. not because there's anything physically stopping you from moving, but throughout all that eternity you lack the willpower to make your legs do what you want them to.'

'try Drugs™ today!'

'the operation embedding a mouth into a human forearm was a success, but the subject has noted that he cannot control its actions. subject also notes "what the fuck" and "why did you do this to me, you monsters"'

'"hey I dropped my pencil" he says, badly stifling a giggle. you look down, expecting a circle, but instead his arm just keeps going down. you keep following it around your body until you find the end of his rubbery appendage, which slithers down your throat.'

'I have invented a new form of grs that replaces your genitals with a giant eyeball.'

'yknow, if we met an alien species that posed a threat to us, we could hypothetically breed the sapience out of it so it's not anymore' [this would make for a good sci-fi horror story i think]

'swallowable water bottle. it can withstand stomach acid. you drink it after you pass it.'

'stress ball: a ball that tenses up when you touch it, and occasionally screams'

'I am giving a paleontologist a birthday gift. "I hope it's not a fucking dinosaur", she says, "I see those every goddamn day and I just wanna get away from them". "uh-huh, yeah" I say, as I signal my assistants to euthanize one of the most important human scientific achievements.'

'you're at a party. you only know one guy and he's talking to someone else, so you're sitting down, staring into your phone. suddenly you notice that the party has gone completely silent. you look up and everyone is staring at you judgmentally. you have no idea what you've done.'

'in order to paint, you must make love to the canvas. lick the canvas. caress the canvas. whisper sweet nothings into the canvas' ear. date the canvas. be there for the canvas. marry the canvas. grow old with the canvas. be by the canvas' side on its deathbed. then you have art.'

'the tastiest part of the human is the brain because that's where they feel love'

'"well well well, here we are. it's so good to finally meet a worthy adversary" I say, cracking my knuckles, addressing the other inhabitants of the elevator'

'I'm not one to blaspheme but I kinda suck'

'the best way to be edgy and punk is to blindly follow centuries old beliefs and traditions'

'cast iron butt plug'

'my business sells little robots that follow you around wherever you go and sigh loudly whenever you try'

'some day we will all be one with the boys'

'I'm not a bigot because I've never spoken more than a couple sentences to a member of a minority group in my entire life, I believe that's how it works'

'where are you? away? yes, we are away. they never look away. but one day they will, and they will find you. and you have already run away. what now?'

teenage me had a twitter account and she was posting as hell