#don't even know anymore
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top one moment that changed my life
#I'll just never get over this panel... hrrrnnfgff#he's so beautifulllll I just look at him here and... smiling........#I love the first iteration of topknot it's so adorable#just a little tuft#eventually it will grow big and strong#the way his suit is... the way it.... I'm......#losing my mind today sorry in advance#i can still remember how I felt the first time I read this chapter#I saw this panel and I was like oh yeah. that guy. he's gonna be my favorite#he's just my type#the scene of him getting kicked in the bawls only added to my crush btw#still pondering every day how I went from 'oh yeah this guy's kinda silly I like it' to... to#don't even know anymore#aki <3
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#I've still been in such a low mood and it hasn't gotten any better in the past week#And I think part of it is stress and I think getting a bit sick. But maybe it's the stress making me sick#But I'm now going to actually be living alone for probably until like august so I know that's going to make me seem even more isolated#than I already feel#Even though it's like I'm by myself most of the time anyways I actually really will be now#And I still get to go home for a bit but I know that's the last time we're all going to be together for a very long time so#that is making me emotional and a bit sad as well thinking about it#Because I know I can always go home if I wanted to or had to but it's never going to be like it used to be again#And it's like most people as adults find their own family as they get older but I have no hopes of that for me so it's like I have#nothing looking forward and I can't go backwards anymore either which just makes me feel even more alone#And I don't even know where I'm going with this but I just seem frustrated with myself and I am trying my best but I#don't even know anymore
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I go on a Sims binge for a few days and the whole world goes to pot!
Well, okay, not the whole world, I suppose. Sure feels like it right now though.
Ugh, people, not gonna lie, I just... I have no idea what to say. At all. I didn't say anything about this whole situation before because, as a Dutch person, I felt like it wasn't my place, but also because I didn't know what to say. And I still don't know, but I want to say something.
So, in Dutch, when someone is going through tough times, the custom is to wish them "Sterkte". It means "strength", as in: "May you have strength, so you can get through this."
I know it's not enough, not nearly enough, but it's the only thing I can think of right now.
So, uhm, to anyone reading this, anyone who needs it: Sterkte! May we all have the strength to get through this crazy mess.
#I think people know what I'm talking about#but also just in general#guys I just#don't even know anymore#sterkte
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I feel like the age of having a "burner email" is gone. Out of curiosity,
#emails#i know this is a boring question but im curious#my mom was thrown off when i told her i have burner emails when i shop online so i don't get my personal email stolen/sold#i remember in like 2010s internet i feel like it was weirder to NOT have burner emails#but i don't hear anyone talk about them anymore so i'm curious#but if people are using tiktok and chat-gpt as search engines then maybe burner emails haven't even crossed their minds
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Garfield Meshi
#garfield#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#shitpost#art#man I don't even know what I'm doing anymore lmao
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I. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I’m okay I’m fine I’m okay I’m fine I’m oka
The fic I'm illustrating and losing my mind about 👉 Mistakes on mistakes until
#maccadam#transformers#prowl#jazz#jazzprowl#momu fanart#fic fanart#LISTEN.#I DON'T THINK JAZZ IS GONNA DIE.#BUT I THINK HE M I G HT#Like.#I don't even know anymore#something in me tells me that everything will be fine#but! throughout this whole fic my inner voice was absolutely. completely#DRAMATICALLY fucking wrong 90% of the time#so it's not like I can't trust the tropes#I can't even trust myself anymore ahahahah#his 'see you on the other side' YOU SENSE IT TOO RIGHT?? ri g h t?#or Is it me just finally losing the last pieces of my sanity?#both ways - I fucking love this fic#I want to make it into a physical copy for myself once it's finished (despite printer ink costing like an airplane wing in my country lol)
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Accepting isolation, craving belonging
#art#digital art#comic#long post#this is kind of vent?#I don't want to be all I had a rough childhood wahh#I just find it bizarre to have so many little aspects of my childhood shape me#I crave isolation#I thrive in isolation#But I want to belong#I want to intimately know someone#and I want someone to intimately know me#This is to all the people who have loved me#even if we dont talk anymore#i love you and have loved you and i want nothing but for you to be happy#original post
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Date Night
#boyfriends who bury bodies together stay together#i don't even know anymore this just happened#art#my art#byler#fanart#stranger things#bloody byler#mike wheeler#sketch#stranger things fanart#will Byers#mike wheeler x will byers#will x mike#byler fanart#stranger things s5
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GOOD OMENS (2019 - )
1.04 - 2.06
#good omens spoilers#good omens 2#good omens#goodomensedit#byaurore#userpayton#david tennant#michael sheen#tuserpris#tusercora#tuserrobin#tuserrachel#tuserhan#userzo#usergiu#usersaoirse#noalook#usertom#it's 7:30 am i don't even know my own name anymore
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So Viktor and Jayce are soulmates of their very own creation.
#arcane spoilers#arcane#I don't even know what kind of yaoi this is anymore#Tho I will say something I FUCKIN' KNEW IT VIKTOR WAS THE MAGE ALL ALONG#I saw it coming bro#Amazing ending#Jayvik#viktor arcane#jayce talis#arcane jayce
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sad: falling out of a hyperfixation
tragic: watching your beloved friends and mutuals fall out of the hyperfixation while you're still in it
#oughhhhhhh#this is about the dca fandom but also about every other strong fixation ive had over the years lol#i know it's normal and inevitable esp for less popular works or minor characters with little canon content#and there's nothing wrong with smaller communities of course those rock#but there’s just something special about getting into something at the same time as a lot of other people all at once#and existing in this chaotic fandom space that's just bursting with creativity and passion#i've been in fandom spaces for as long as some of you have been alive and i've only come across that sort of unbridled joy like#a handful of times at best#it's just a heartbreaking feeling to see real lightning in a jar fandoms like that wither away as people drift away#(understandably so!)#anyway don't mind me i'm just having thoughts#musing about fandoms past as well#that i too eventually moved on from but remember fondly even if im not active in anymore#also my music just aint hitting right so im just sitting in silence which makes me more Contemplative(tm)
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It’s finally done, guys – five whole pages of Narilamb AU comic AND MORE be upon you! (If you have trouble reading any of the text, view the full-size! These pages are huge!)
Yeesh, this took forever. <:)
There’s probably a ton of inconsistencies and anatomy/perspective wonkeries, but this was mostly just comic practice, so Oh Hekkin Well, Lol <:D
(Yes, I am aware the Gateway’s door isn’t present in the Afterlife, and the actual way in is just a pentagram portal. Yes, I put the door in there anyway because Artistic License, i.e. it felt more impactful for there to be a prison door of sorts to walk through to freedom, rather than just a bland boring portal on the ground. 😠)
anyway, i hate backgrounds so much lmao
Alternate ending and a buttload of bonus art under the cut, followed by goofy AU rambles and headcanon stuff:
I’m calling it the Revival AU. It’s not all that creative a title, and someone else has probably used it already, but I am too lazy to really care, LOL
Alternate ending page, which you will Definitely need to view the full-size for, Whoopsie Daisy:
The alternate ending was actually the first ending I finished things off with, because I had a brief badbrain moment where I forgot the emotional beat I initially wanted the comic to end on, and I tend to write comedy, anyway. I later remembered and drew out the proper ending, but I preserved and finished this one, too, because it still makes me giggle.
They had to go back for the followers off-screen in the AU’s real ending. And by ‘they’ I mean just the Lamb, because they weren’t about to ask three newly freed cats to go back into what used to be their prison. The Lamb DID spend some time watching Narinder and the bois enjoying the outdoors first, though:
In other news, here’s the Lamb and me making fun of my anatomy-drawing ‘skills’:
Meanwhile, if you’re wondering why the Lamb is just a-okay with how things went down vis a vis Their Murder, this bonus comic should answer at least some of your questions:
Ah, yes, also this is how they get engaged outside of the alternate ending. Forgot to mention that bit. XD (I already refuse to believe that Narinder is capable of flirting normally, so why would his initial marriage proposal be any better???)
Oh, and before any of them get a chance to actually head back to the cult grounds, there is one potential problem:
And by ‘problem’ I mean something Narinder intends to ignore for At Minimum a thousand years. Cuz he’s a petty bitch like that. :D
what do you mean i drew the lamb too tall compared to the background? clearly they’re standing on top of baal and aym lmao, why else would you think those two aren’t in this one??? (aym and baal got way too excited about finally being outside, you see, and their silly modes are nothing to sneeze at)
And, speaking of heading back to the cult grounds, I’m sure y’all would love to know how the Lamb’s followers felt about the brand new change in management:
It all went better than expected. <:D Tiny ramble now, feel free to skip down to the next comic.
Before you ask, no, the Lamb does not have any actual powers anymore, other than the immortality Narinder definitely grants them. The Red Crown just thinks it’s funny to suggest otherwise, and Narinder does nothing to discourage this. Also, the Lamb and Narinder aren’t actually married here yet, but, uh. Pretty safe to say that particular ritual directly follows the events of this comic. XD
Given how quickly he mellows out in canon, Narinder probably chills out a lot in this AU once he’s in charge of the cult, too, if only because 1.) He’s finally free, and 2.) He’s equally smitten with and distracted by the Lamb. He’s definitely in charge at least 95% of the time, though, because the Lamb never actually wanted to be a cult leader and, now that their time as a vessel is done, they just want to be a normal(ish) sheep who’s wholly devoted to their hot new divine husband.
Some followers do still have some valid concerns about these two being together, though, which I’m sure at least a few of you might share…
Unfortunately for any such concerns, the Lamb is a bonafide masochist in this AU. :D
They’re also 100% a sub, obviously
Anyone at all: Your relationship is problematic and potentially toxic
The Lamb: fuck yeah it is, it’s so hot~ OuO
Here’s just the last panel, made transparent for whatever nefarious purposes y’all might have for it:
Additional exchange Narinder and the Lamb have at some point, probably after the Lamb does a fatal whoopsie while out on a mission trip or in response to things getting a little too sadistic in the bedroom, ahaha:
Look, there is a very important distinction between life and death, and if you don’t understand that, then you’re probably not worthy of being the God of Death, anyway. (At least, according to Narinder, and ONLY Narinder.)
Last but not least, have these shittens:
~Such creative naming conventions I have utilized, lololol~ :D Anyway, there's a few deets on them in the rambles down below.
The rest is all ramble, so before I get to that, I’ll just say – likes and especially reblogs are very much appreciated!!! :D If you happen to really really REALLY like my stuff, meanwhile, I do have a link in my bio to my ko-fi page, where I’m accepting commissions and donations if you’re especially generous… ÓuÒ
Now, BE FREE IF YOU AIN’T DOWN FOR READING MY GOOFY RAMBLES
First ramble is re: Baal’s question of ‘Did it really work?’, since I didn’t feel like expanding on it in the comic proper, and it’s arguably pretty vague? He doesn’t ask because he doubts Narinder or his capabilities, exactly, but because neither Baal nor Aym have ever actually seen their god at full power before (he’s still technically not at full power here, either). It’s not expressly stated how soon the brothers were brought to Narinder after his imprisonment, but whether it was early on or after a length of time for Shamura to (somewhat) recover from his attack, he must have already been weakened, since I have no doubts that there was a huge battle that accompanied the Bishops working together to trap him. So, between that fight with all four of his siblings, sharing his power with a variety of vessels over time, and being chained immobile for a thousand years, he must have been severely weakened by the time he lent the Red Crown out to the Lamb, which would have only weakened him further.
I like to think this is how the Lamb is able to defeat him if they refuse to be sacrificed, despite how it took all four Bishops working together to subdue and chain Narinder in the first place.
All that aside, the three cats have been trapped in the Afterlife for so long that Baal also wanted verbal reassurance that they are all, indeed, actually able to leave it now – something that I headcanon isn’t possible without a significant amount of power (i.e. the Red Crown’s cooperation with its bearer/vessel).
(On a semi-related note, I don’t headcanon Aym and Baal as twins. I like sweetheart big bro Baal and snarky little goth bro Aym too much to have them be that close in age.)
Ah, teeny thing: If you noticed I switched up the art style for Narinder on the second page, that was intentional. It's sort of a visual indicator that there has been a Big Change for him - that being, how much power he has after sacrificing the Lamb. As for why I changed up his arms in the grass rollin' pic, I don't really subscribe to the notion that his arms are spooky bones because they're horrifically injured (beyond chain-chafing scars, that is), but rather just because he's the Bishop of Death, so he can change how normal-to-spooky they look at will. At some point I might doodle out how I imagine his appearance to range between least to most eldritch... 🤔
Next ramble, regarding Narinder’s feelings towards the Lamb...he was initially too focused on being freed from his imprisonment to form any real attachment to them. They were a tool for his use, first and foremost, but he did notice their intense devotion towards him. It was impossible not to notice, because the Lamb was always very happy to see him, even if it was because they died during a crusade (yet again). He wasn’t originally planning to revive them once he was freed, either, because he saw no real point to it – after all, they were already dead when they first met him, just as any other mortal would be when meeting him in the Afterlife, so death has very little real consequence in his eyes. But, once the chains were off, and it really sank in that he stood to lose the most devoted follower he’s ever had, he decided…why put their soul to rest for good or leave them stuck in the Afterlife when he could just as easily revive them again? And why not reward them for their hard work, anyway? Not only would it cost him nothing by comparison, but the future devotion that could come of it would surely make up for his (bare minimum) effort in reviving them.
He wasn’t expecting to get a full dose of that devotion and a smiling face so soon after killing them, though~ :3c (because the Lamb is a bonafide freak, and not-so-secretly into the fucked up power dynamics going on here, lol)
I should mention here that I am firmly of the belief that any non-god/vessel who crosses through the Gateway and into the Afterlife just straight up dies. So, Aym and Baal? Also straight up dead, from the second Shamura brought them through. Their souls were just never put to rest so that Narinder could have some company – if only according to Shamura. Narinder kept the two around mostly out of bewilderment, because honestly, who are these kittens, and what is Shamura’s game here, anyway??? They never even explained anything, they just tossed these kittens into the Afterlife and LEFT!!! At any rate, Aym and Baal being dead is how I explain why their souls apparently become lost in the void if they’re killed, along with the added complications required to revive the two because of it.
So, with those deets in mind, and given a bit of time, if Narinder hadn’t chosen to revive the Lamb, and also hadn’t chosen to put their soul to rest, they still would have woken up at some point, despite being as straight up dead as Aym and Baal. Who, don’t worry, were also properly revived while Narinder was waiting for the Lamb to wake up. Because I am also firmly of the belief that, first, the dead cannot leave the Afterlife without the use of a ritual/relic (and can't stay in the living world for long regardless), and second, dead followers’ devotion isn’t anywhere near as potent as that of the living, given how much more the living stand to lose.
Final ramble, regarding the Lamb’s feelings towards Narinder, and why they’re so devoted to him…
Well, you don’t spend most of your life on the run with your steadily-dwindling herd, trying to evade the ongoing genocide of your species, without becoming a little fucked up in the head. Maybe a lot fucked up in the head. Life is suffering, so might as well have fun with it, right? Maybe start finding death and pain to be kind of hilarious, even a little bit hot, once everyone you know and love is dead and gone, leaving you all alone? And maybe after that, there’s something comforting in how, despite the cold, cruel uncertainties of life, at least you can always count on the inevitability of death, patiently waiting for you until your very last breath? Who knows. Either way, as soon as the Lamb was killed, and they learned that the literal God of Death was offering them a second chance at life and vengeance via effective immortality, they were 100% ride-or-die-devoted all at once. Turns out death is kinder than life – go figure. (Of course, it helps that Narinder is 100% their type.)
They weren’t put off by Narinder’s thinly-veiled sadism or manipulations, either – they’re not too different in those regards, albeit opting for vastly different methods. It’s a very ‘two sides of the same coin’ sort of deal. In order to stay alive once they were made the last of their kind, the Lamb had no qualms with using others to their advantage, and that did not change once they were revived and expected to run a cult. They didn’t care for the position of authority, though – being a sheep and all, they’re much more of a follower than a leader, and thus greatly appreciated Narinder’s need for control. With how they had to keep on their toes for so long, the Lamb was also pretty good at reading people by the time they died, so they could recognize that a lot of Narinder’s posturing was just that – posturing. Dude’s 95% bluster and only 5% bite. He could obviously be vicious when he wanted or needed to (the Bishops' injuries were clear proof of that), but underneath his outer layer of cruelty was a generous layer of tsundere, and underneath all THAT was a soft squishy middle sibling velcro cat in desperate need of attention and affection.
(Which, for the record, he Did Not feel comfortable getting from Aym and Baal – Narinder still has no idea why the fuck Shamura sent them to him, beyond acting as keepers at best or trying to sabotage his attempts to escape at worst. Which, he thought HE sabotaged in turn, by guiding the kittens into being his devoted disciples instead. He thought he was very clever for it. ‘I outsmarted Shamura!’ he thought, despite that there was never anything there to outsmart. ‘What do you mean, Shamura sent your kittens to me for company?’ he demands of Forneus later. It may or may not lead him to pull Shamura out of Purgatory just so he can shake them and scream about how they should have Fucking Explained that!!!)
But, getting back on track as to why the Lamb was so willing to be sacrificed, I cannot stress this enough – if you pay even a minimal amount of attention to what he’s saying, Narinder is REALLY NOT SUBTLE about his intentions. ‘Death is of little consequence.’ ‘Followers are for you to use to your advantage.’ ‘Sacrifice a follower to absorb more power.’ So, yeah, the Lamb knew exactly what would be expected of them once the other Bishops were dead. They knew Narinder would expect them to die for him one last time. But, after all, death is of little consequence (not to mention hot), so when the time came, they wanted to see him freed, even if it meant oblivion for them in the end.
He’d given them a second life, and the ability to avenge their kin, and they felt indebted to him for that – so, while they were still pretty glum about the possibility that they might not get to see him free of his chains, nothing beyond their devotion and debt to him mattered. They never wanted all the drama and expectations that came with the Red Crown’s power, anyway, so, better for Narinder to have it back so that he could deal with it. What he did with the Lamb afterward would be up to him, and seeing as he was their god, they’d accept his decision gladly.
Were they in love with him by that point? Oh, obsessively so, but only in the devotional sense – romance was nowhere on their mind nor radar. That is, until he unexpectedly revived them again, told them he still needed them, and then offered down his hand to help them up.
The Lamb fell HARD for him in that moment. :3c
And now, a tiny shitten ramble. Lu and Li are twins, because sheep tend to have those a lot, and are conceived not long after the Lamb and Narinder’s marriage ceremony. Lu is the minutes older one, but Li is much more mature. I have put no further thought into these two, other than that they are utter menaces, birthed by the Lamb, cling hard to both their parents but especially Narinder (who spoils them rotten), and they are both genderfluid, using whichever pronouns/names they feel like at any given time. They are also both intersex, same as the Lamb, who was initially infertile up until Something Something Vague Magic, which I have also put no further thought into ¯\_(シ)_/¯
oh, and before anyone tries to suggest i headcanon this AU’s lamb as trending more female due to them giving birth or whatever, no, no, a thousand times no, they might have a vag, but they've also got a dick, and even if it's not as big as they'd like, they still know how to use it
Finally, the very tentative name for the Lamb in this AU is Yazdi, which is really just another name for the Baluchi breed of sheep XD (Not that the Lamb is this specific breed, I just didn’t like any of the other sheep-related names I found, ahaha...)
THAT’S ALL FOR NOW (collapses into an exhausted pile of goopy limbs)
#fanart#comics#cult of the lamb#cotl#narilamb#cotl lamb#cotl narinder#cotl shitten#cotl mystic seller#cotl aym#cotl baal#aym and baal#this is why i have been especially quiet lately XD#even just the bonus stuff took several days to finish because i don't know the meaning of DOODLE anymore apparently#everything must be fully inked and colored with backgrounds I Fukken Guess#at least using medibang's sumi brush keeps me from focusing on making my lines perfect :\#and yeah i copy-pasta'd a lot of my own backgrounds don't at me bro#if you're on desktop and want to full view but don't know how: right click the image - open in new tab - zoom in as needed :)#feel free to ask questions about the AU if you want - but uh - this is basically the extent to which i've thought it through LOL#edit: oh right - aym and baal really out there assuming narinder already put the lamb's soul to rest so the body's just fodder now lmao#last edit i hope: fixed the transparent cult certified freak image 8|#nope - one more edit: there is one (1) loophole for how living mortals can be in the afterlife without dying#that loophole is currently narinder XD#'sorry universe but the god of death says i can be in here so back off with your rules and regulations'
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and the winner of inanimate insanity issss.....SUITCASE
#ii#ii2#inanimate insanity spoilers#do i even need to mark spoilers anymore?#eh whatever#i know I'm late#lol#inanimate insanity suitcase#inanimate insanity 2#steve cobs ii#ii suitcase#YOU GO GIRL#slay queen#i love cobs but honestly yeah deserved#steve cobs inanimate insanity#osc#ii2 finale#inanimate insanity finale#inanimate insanity fanart#so many tags#I don't really like this drawing womp womp#SoundCloud
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Don't even look at each other before marriage
#You guys this took days to finish and i don't even know why OTL#now this was SUPPOSED to be a whole npmd main cast line up#but then i just... didn't wanna anymore haha so just these three :Bc#me realizing i wrote Save instead of Leave: :is big failure 😔😔😔#Hatchetfield#peter spankoffski#stephanie lauter#grace chasity#NPMD#nerdy prudes must die#starkid#taping my mouth closed to prevent the infinite complaints i have for this
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I need more content of the daughter of Ctimene and Eurylochus 👹👹👹
Feed me with content please 🛐✨️
Her you go 😔✋
Euphemia likes writing poetry, though Telemachus is the only one who can and may read the drafts (hc thanks to @kindred-spirit-93) :D
And before the suitors stop letting her and Ctimene enter the palace, they often sit down to listen to the stories their mothers have about their fathers.
Also they call each other brother and sister because of a childhood habit that stuck as they grew up together. Let me live in delusion please.
#Ok guess I am in a sudden phase of mass producing sketches#Now that I have like a singular 24 hours that I don't have to think about exams all the time#The next ones are in january#Let's see how long I will keep this phase going#epic the musical#Does this even count as epic the musical I do not know anymore#I need a name for this au#ctimene#penelope#telemachus#euphemia#my art
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