#don't ask me what happened in 2014 I still don't know

[sternentreue]

Imagine your canon Warden, Hawke, Inquisitor and Rook and their respective LI on a quadruple date - how will it go?

[power-handmaiden]

Chuck Tingle interview

OK, here is the FINAL 2024 Tingles My Butt post, which I've been pretty hyped for. I still kind of can't believe this. While I was figuring out how I'd move on from 2024, @drchucktingle generously offered to answer some questions of mine to commemorate the end of my tingler project! Here they are!

-Considering that your process for tinglers is just to write it out and not stress about proofreading and editing, was it weird for you to see someone decide to go back, examine, and contemplate every single tingler published in the past decade?

the whole dang project was really wonderful for me, for exactly the reason you have just said. tinglers are very STREAM OF CONSCIOUS and only edited with one quick pass so while i think this adds to their honesty and rawness it also means that my time with them is limited. really watching someone go back through them at this depth was like reading a diary that i have not opened for many years, and it jumps around through time in a very beautiful way. it was very moving

-I love tingler character names. I personally admire how many great ones you come up with. (I never know what to name my ttrpg characters.) You just come up with all these great names that seemingly spring from nowhere, how do you do it?

DANG great question cant believe i have not been asked this before but yes there is a type of name that shows up in the tingleverse that is unusual and has a certain feeling and cadence that is very specific. if i am trotting along with sweet barbara and there is a name of a product or a place or something that has this tone we will say ‘oh thats a tingleverse name.’ the reason i wanted to do this in the books was as a very subtle way of saying these stories exist on a timeline that is RIGHT next to ours, so in some ways it is exactly the same as our world but there are these little cultural differences with things like chocolate milk and spaghetti and then with the names. you will have buckaroos like justin and sarah trotting along next to buckaroos named corb torbins-quill or borto lart.

-So, as a reader, reading from 2014 to now, old tinglers and new tinglers feel different to me. I believe you when you say tinglers have always been sincere, but they feel MORE sincere than they used to be. Like, I feel like there was some self-consciousness and irony in some of the early tinglers that you've since let go of and embraced the Chuck Tingle voice more. I don't know, am I imagining this, or does this square with your tingler writing journey? If it does, what has that process been like for you?

i think you are absolutely correct. the intention with tinglers was always to be a place for me to express myself with complete sincerity, but the practical way of HOW to trot like this took a bit of an evolution to arrive at. in other words i knew the basics, but actually refining the best way to express yourself and perform your art takes time. maybe in the same way goin back and watching season one of a tv show can feel very different from season three, even though they are part of the same expression. 

similar thing happened with in my chuck PRESENTATION as well, where my main focus was to stay anonymous so the metaphors i used to talk about my life were still true but laid on much thicker. even my attire was a large gi so that you would not even be able to see my shape, which has obviously changed now because i wear suits these days. all of this was a process of starting in a place i knew was important to me and then peeling off the parts that were not helping the message or expression over time

-Is there anything you could tell us about the significance of Borson Reems? I feel like he's more than just another Buck Trungle/Chuck Tangle/etc but I'm not sure what exactly...

yes borson reems is god. not that i believe in GOD in the way that most buckaroos talk about god (i am agnostic) but within the tingleverse, borson reems is an avatar for the creator of that world. technically i am borson reems, because i am writing the books. the question is: are we all the gods of our own little worlds that we create? i do not know, but when i look around at my buds and the joy and love they bring to various timelines they sure seem like gods to me

-A lot of no-sex tinglers (especially ones that aren't romance-focused) vary in terms of plot and structure a lot more than erotic tinglers. Is your writing process for these stories any different?

same process actually, but the sex scenes in tinglers are about 1500 to 2000 words long, and total tingler length is 4000 words which means if you are not including that portion you are going to have to come up with some creative way to fill that space in the story and a new axis for story to turn on. so the variety comes from me getting creative and trying out different axis points

-In "Not Pounded By My Book "Pounded In The Butt By My Non-Fungible Tingler That Is Literally This NFT" Because Of The Current Catastrophic Environmental And Ethical Impact" there are references to an earlier draft of the story that was never released because you ended up disagreeing with the message. Are there any other tinglers that never got finished and/or published, if you'd be willing to talk about any of them?

oh this is a VERY good question. the story of the NFT tingler is that when buckaroos were first talkin on nfts online and nobody really knew what they were, my first thoughts were just ‘oh this is interesting what the heck is this?’ this is my way with most CURRENT EVENTS. and i thought ‘this would be an interesting tingler, i suppose maybe i should make the tingler an ACTUAL nft’. this was in VERY early days so i did not really even understand what an nft was (neither did 99 percent of buckaroos yet honestly). so i looked into it just enough to actually MAKE a nft tingler that was a real nft and put it out. lasted for about thirty seconds before buckaroos were messaging saying ‘oh this is bad chuck you should look into what this is’ and i DID look into it and thought’ oh yeah this is terrible nevermind’. i took down the original and thought ‘well THIS is what art is all about. this is where i thrive in a world of moving living art that is in communication with itself’. so i dove into the research and actually started to understand NFTS and then i repurposed the story into a strongly anti-nft tingler and put that on out instead.

as far as OTHER tinglers that kind of move and breathe and live like this, in communication with the audience, GAY T-REX LAW FIRM is another very good example. that one i wrote early on and i think it was kind of in the model of something like fifty shade of grey, where issues of kink and consent and communication are not really handled well. i think at the time it came out the story was okay, but as time went on it always kind of bothered me and finally i thought ‘i love art that exists in the REAL WORLD and changes and evolves, so lets rewrite that story and fix some of these mistakes.’ honestly it is something i wish more artists would be open to. its okay to let something hold strong against a changing timeline, but it is also okay to explore what its like to take the notes that time gives us

-This one is about Chuck Tingle that exists in deeper layers of the Tingleverse that operate on tingler logic: what does the location inside his/your butt look like?

probably a nice mid-century modern home up in laurel canyon neighborhood of los angeles. kind of quiet and small like a cabin but also very cozy, like the kind of place where you would put on a crosby stills nash and young record on vinyl and gaze out into the woods for a while then walk down the hill for dinner at a little cafe where you spot some actor from a 60s tv show also having dinner in the corner booth. this basically sounds like the start of a tingler and in that tingler i will say the actor would be a bigfoot.

-OK this one is very self-indulgent but if you could help settle this frequent point of discussion I have with my wife- where do the following fit in the Tingleverse bigfoot/dinosaur/unicorn/living object(/human/does not apply?) taxonomy?

-a ghost of a regular human

-a regular human vampire

-a human/fish mermaid

-a sentient winged horse

-a sentient centipede large enough to wrap around a mountain several times (she is handsome)

alright lets trot through these. a GHOST is not one of the four tingle types so you can have a ghost racecar or a ghost unicorn or a ghost bigfoot. ghosts are outside of the four types and do not have a classification

a VAMPIRE is also outside of the four types. so you can have a vampire bigfoot or, of course, a vampire night bus. does not strictly fall into any of the four main categories

MERMAIDS are technically a long lost species of unicorn I DONT MAKE THE RULES I JUST EXPLAIN THEM. this makes the MERMOPED tingler a little confusing but i had to pick a category and that one went into living object. now that i mention it possibly the only tingler that is technically a double category of unicorn/living object.

WINGED HORSE is easy, thats a pegasus which is a species of unicorn just like a mermaid

a SENTIENT CENTIPEDE LARGE ENOUGH TO WRAP AROUND A MOUNTAIN is an ancient creature, therefore dinosaur tingler

-My other self-indulgent question: do you have a favorite bug? (Or second-favorite if you count Mothman as a bug)

i love finding spiders in the house and giving them a pet because they are doing a good job livin their lives doin their thing. close second would be a pretty ladybug

-Any thoughts on what tinglers will be like in 2025? Do you expect to be writing a lot of political tinglers again, like post-2016?

honestly i really do not like writing specifically political tinglers anymore, and the amount that i write has gradually dropped over time (i think ALL tinglers are political but in a different way). so honestly i think i will write a few political tinglers but not many. my hypothesis on this is that my HORROR NOVELS are very very political and so maybe i get a lot of these ideas out of my system that way now. when it comes to tinglers i just wanna explore my OWN mind and heart and butt more

THANK YOU for these wonderful questions and thank you for your tingler-a-day project it was so moving and powerful. what a treat it was an honor to be a part of something so beautiful. THIS PROVES LOVE IS REAL

[norrisradio]

EVERY VERSION OF AFTER

LINE BY LINE ᝰ.ᐟ “You’re as beautiful as the day I lost you.” - how to train your dragon 2 (2014)

ᝰ PAIRING: lando norris x reader | ᝰ WC: 1.6K ᝰ GENRE: angst with hints of fluff, exes to ???? ᝰ INCOMING RADIO: for those of you that don't know, httyd is probably my favorite movies of all time, and angst is my favorite genre to write. so to kae, who said i would rue the day i decided on this event: gotcha :) ꨄ︎ requested by @tsunodaradio !

send me an ask for my line by line event.ᐟ

It has been exactly 1 year, 4 months, 23 days, and 7 hours since Lando last saw you.

(Not that he was counting. Because he definitely wasn’t. Of course not. He just has a really good memory — sharp, like new gravel, like the sting of saltwater in the skin splits you don’t notice until later.)

He had convinced himself it wouldn’t sting when it happened — seeing you again — that time would have rubbed the sharp edges smooth by now, left only the faint echo of something sweet-then-sour on the back of his tongue. He’d told himself, once or twice, that maybe he’d even feel nothing at all.

But now, standing half in shadow at the edge of the paddock, one glove half-pulled on, he sees the way your silhouette cuts through the haze of the late afternoon sun — and just like that, all those lies he told himself crumple like pit lane flyers in the rain.

You’re here.

Not a memory. Not some phantom that occasionally slipped into his dreams when he was too tired to build walls.

You’re actually here.

And you look—

God.

You look the same in all the worst ways.

Same tousled hair you used to fix without looking, fingers raking through it like it was second nature. Same frayed lanyard slung around your neck, credentials bouncing softly with every step. Same old charm bracelet you once swore was lucky, though you never said why. You still wear all black like it’s armor. Still scribble in a battered notebook like the words might run away if you don’t trap them fast enough. Still bite the inside of your cheek when you’re focusing too hard.

He wonders, with a sudden, absurd pang, if you still take your coffee with that stupid almond milk that he used to swear tasted like stale bread. If your fingers still get ink-stained when you’re writing fast. If you still hum under your breath when you’re editing late at night — low, tuneless, like you don’t realize you’re doing it.

But he doesn’t move.

Can’t.

Because you haven’t seen him yet.

And he’s not ready for the weight of your gaze.

You were a motorsport journalist even before him. That’s what you always told people when they asked — how’d you meet? how’d you end up in the same orbit?

“It wasn’t because of him,” you’d say, brows raised, voice cool. “I was already in love with the speed before I ever looked twice at the driver.”

But the truth is: it was a Tuesday. It was raining. Your first interview with Lando was supposed to be quick — just a few filler quotes for a mid-season feature. But he’d kept talking, even after your recorder stopped, about nothing and everything: the pressure, the boredom, the way the silence of hotel rooms scared him more than high-speed corners. And you’d listened — not just nodded, not just smiled politely, but really listened — and when you said, “You don’t have to be interesting all the time, you know,” he’d looked at you like he hadn’t heard that before.

And somehow, over time, his life started folding around yours like a page dog-eared in the wrong place. Fast food between flights. Shared playlists. Long walks at night in places neither of you would remember the names of, just the feel of the cold and the buzz of something unspoken between you.

There was this one night in Austria — the kind of night that lives in your ribs long after it’s over. It had rained earlier, but the sky had cleared by the time you slipped out of the hotel, shoes in hand, damp pavement hushing your footsteps.

Lando had followed, of course. No jacket, just a hoodie too thin for the altitude, arms crossed and shivering like he expected you to take pity on him. You didn’t. You just laughed and said, “You’re the one who insisted on following me out here, dumbass.”

He had grinned like he always did when you called him that — like it was a term of endearment you didn’t quite want to admit to.

You ended up on a hill just outside the city, the kind with tall grass and no real trail, only the ghost of one worn into the dirt by the feet of whoever came before you. There were stars overhead — real ones, not just the ones you’d gotten used to on racetrack ceilings and behind camera flashes. You lay side by side in the grass, fingers barely touching, your body curled toward his like muscle memory.

“I used to think I’d hate this kind of quiet,” he said after a while, voice low, eyes tracing constellations he didn’t know the names of.

You turned your head toward him. “And now?”

His lashes fluttered. He blinked slow. “It’s….nice. Feels like love.”

You didn’t kiss him then. That had already happened hours earlier — fast, breathless, against the door of his room when you’d come by to “drop off an extra press schedule” like it hadn’t just been an excuse to see him one more time. No, this wasn’t the kind of moment that asked for a kiss.

This was the kind that asked for stillness. For warmth. For someone who made the silence feel less like absence and more like a place to rest.

Later, when the chill started to bite at your hands, he’d taken one of yours and tucked it under his hoodie, against his chest. You’d felt his heartbeat there — not racing, not wild — just steady. Solid. Like he was anchoring himself to you. Or maybe the other way around.

“I wish we had more nights like this,” you’d whispered.

He’d said, “Then let’s make more.”

Like it was easy. Like time would always bend to your will. Like love was enough.

And maybe, for a little while, it was.

But love — real love — doesn’t always arrive gently. Sometimes it barrels in with all the weight of two people trying to outrun who they are. And Lando, for all his charm and humor, was still afraid of stillness. He was a man made for motion. And you? You started to feel like the one thing that made him pause.

At first, that felt like a gift.

Later, it started to feel like a burden.

The breakup wasn’t one big blowout. No plates thrown. No screaming. No grand betrayal.

It was quieter than that.

Quieter, and somehow crueler.

It was a Tuesday again — a different city, different rain — and you’d sat across from him in a hotel room that smelled like expensive soap and exhaustion. You were trying to finish editing a piece about an endurance race while he scrolled absently through his phone, laughing at something a teammate sent him. And you looked at him and thought: he doesn’t know I’m slipping away from him.

So you said it.

“I don’t know who I am with you anymore.”

And he blinked. Didn’t understand.

Thought maybe you were just tired. Maybe it was the stress, the schedule, the job.

But you’d already packed the version of you that used to fit beside him into boxes in your mind. Already rehearsed how to walk away without looking back.

You left two days later. You didn’t cover Formula 1 again after that.

He thought, maybe, it was your way of erasing him.

He didn’t know that you had cried on the plane. That the reassignment was coincidental. That fate sometimes just has really shitty timing.

Now, back in the present, you glance up from your notebook and freeze.

Your eyes meet.

And it’s worse than he imagined.

Because you don’t look angry. You don’t look heartbroken. You don’t even look surprised.

You just look like someone who knows how to brace for impact.

He offers a smile. It feels awkward on his face, like a borrowed shirt that doesn’t quite fit.

You don’t smile back.

You walk toward him — slowly, carefully — like he’s some sleeping animal you’re not sure won’t bite.

“Lando.”

“Hey.” His voice comes out rougher than intended. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

“I’m freelancing now,” you say. “MotoGP piece. Didn’t think our paths would cross.”

“Yeah,” he says, scratching the back of his neck. “Weird how the world works.”

You nod once, curt and professional. Then, after a beat, you hold up your recorder.

“Can I ask you a few questions for the article?”

And that’s what really kills him. That you can look him dead in the eye, after everything, and ask for a quote.

“Sure,” he says, shrugging. “You gonna twist my words again?”

That gets something out of you — a quiet exhale, the ghost of a smirk. “Only the boring ones.”

There it is. The flicker of you. The version he used to love so hard it made his chest ache.

He looks at you for a long moment.

Then says, softly, “You haven’t changed a bit. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.”

Your eyes don’t waver.

But the pen in your hand stills.

You stare at him like you’re trying to find the lie in the sentence.

But there isn’t one.

You open your mouth. Close it. Try again.

“I’ll leave that one out,” you say, voice tight. “Too sentimental. Doesn’t suit the piece.”

He doesn’t stop you when you walk away.

But later — hours later, long after the interviews end and the paddock starts to clear — he finds a note folded beneath the windshield wiper of his rental car.

Your handwriting, unmistakable. The same slant, the same loops.

One line.

I never stopped loving you. I just stopped knowing how to stay.

[nanabansama]

Birthday Headcanons!

I recently answered an ask about birthdays, and I wanted to offer some of my headcanons in addition to that. This is all just speculation, so feel free to come up with your own ideas instead!

Nene

I am very firmly of the belief that she is still fifteen years old as of the recent chapter (124). One thing I will say about Nene is she looks kind of young to me? So it wouldn't surprise me if she had a winter birthday. But I'm very torn on which year she was born... on the one hand I really like her having a birthday in February. Another female protagonist of AidaIro's, Neige, was born in February. Nene's name written in goroawase (japanese number puns) is also 22, so a birthday like 2/2/2000 feels very good to me... on the other hand, I really like her having the year of the rabbit as her zodiac. She's dressed up as a rabbit a few times, including for a New Year's celebration art:

But obviously this doesn't mean anything... Aoi could not be a snake, and Hanako is definitely a sheep despite dressing as a dragon in a different new year's artwork... and you've gotta admit that a rabbit just Feels more Nene than a dragon, right? (And sheeps and rabbits make for perfect couples, if you didn't know...)

That said, it's hard to choose a month and day in 1999 that feel right to me for her birthday... given the Yugi twins were born on "Good Twins Day" (11/25), a Japanese micro holiday, I get the feeling AidaIro wouldn't be able to pass up another good joke or pun for our heroine's birthday...

There are some fun holidays that could fit her. Here's a list:

Mermaid Day (June 30)

Strawberry Day (January 5)

Sengiri Daikon Day (February 17)

Goldfish Day/Girls' Day (March 3)

... But as you can see, none of these fit my requirements for what I want her birthday to be. :'( I'd really be happy with anything as long as it hasn't happened yet though!

For now, I guess I'll just give her a birthday like December 2, 1999... which is also really close to Amane's birthday, funnily enough.

Mitsuba

Since this guy is associated with the number three so much, I really struggle to imagine he wouldn't have a 3 in his birthdate somewhere... an obvious answer is March 28, which true fans will know is a fanmade micro holiday to celebrate the man himself because 328 is goroawase for Mitsuba. While it's unclear exactly what lead AidaIro to give the twins 11/25 as a birthday, many fans celebrated "Yugi Day" on the 25th of the month before the birthday reveal (because 25 is goroawase for twins) and so it would be a nice nod to the community and also just a good pun in general.

One thing that is interesting about Mitsuba is we kind of know his death date? It was in December of 2014. Anyway, depending on his birthday, he could have died at either 13 or 14. Definitely something worth considering, but as of right now, I don't think we know the age he died at. Mitsuba is kind of little though, I guess? So I wouldn't be surprised if he died at thirteen... (that would also place him at the same age as Tsukasa when he died!)

Anyway, I don't really have any other good micro holidays for Mitsuba, but I would bet good money that there is a 3 somewhere in his birthdate. ☘️

Mitsuba's Mom

You know what's better than having a funny birthdate? Having a funny deathdate! (Sorry, not to make this entirely about her dead son or anything, but we quite literally are calling her Mitsuba's Mom instead of her actual name, so...)

Anyway, in case you forgot, he died on her birthday.

Unfortunately, I can't really find a good micro holiday for this...so I will have to rely on another crutch.

The day that Tsukasa sacrificed himself was an "unlucky day". To keep this brief, there is a superstition that some days are luckier than others in Japan. There are six different types of days which each hold different types of luck... So basically, I want to find another unlucky day in December 2014 for her birthday!

Since it repeats roughly every six days, we have a few options. We're specifically looking for days marked with 仏滅.

Out of these options... well, I personally like December 4? Eh, I dunno. I really wish there was an inauspicious date with a 3 in it, but we have to deal with the cards we're dealt...

Kou

Since Kou greatly resembles his ancestor, Yorimitsu, and was likely named after him, I really like the idea that his birthday is also linked to him.

Unfortunately we have no exact birthdate for Yorimitsu, but we do have his death date, which was August 28 (or July 19 in the old calendar.)

I don't hate either of these birthdays for him! Sadly this would mean that we already passed his birthday, but Kou just screams "summer baby" to me, you know? Sweet sunshine child, etc...

Anyway, I'm admittedly not that well-versed in western zodiac, so I've been kind of avoiding it, but Kou likes lions and Leo season is July 23 to August 22 so if not the above dates I think something within that timeframe works for him. 🦁

---

So that's it! Maybe in the future I'll make up more headcanons, but for now, I can't really think of any other character birthdays that I have a strong opinion on. I would be very interested to hear your own headcanons, though, especially if you have a good reason for them! And here's hoping AidaIro actually reveal them in the future. ^^;

[batifresa]

The Ultimate "Challengers" Timeline

Updated: October 20, 2024

I kept seeing some confusion in the fandom regarding the timeframe of certain events in the film, so I started working on this as a way to clarify theories and map out everything as accurately as possible. If you notice any mistakes, or know of a canon event that I missed, please don't hesitate to let me know!

Relationship-o-metric:

Art and Patrick were friends for approximately 6 years, 6 months and 16 days (2391 days).

Patrick and Tashi were in a relationship for exactly 5 months and 20 days (173 days).

Art and Tashi have been in a relationship for approximately 8 years, 11 months and 19 days (3275 days).

Some pointers and notes:

Art, Tashi and Patrick are all confirmed to be 31 years old in the final script of the film.

Lily is confirmed to be 5 years old in the final script of the film, so she would've been born sometime in 2014.

The American school year starts in mid/late August or early September, and ends in mid/late May or early June, depending on state. We do not know where the Mark Rebellato Tennis Academy is located.

The majority of boarding schools start their academic program in middle school (6th grade). Art and Patrick would've been 11 years old then. We can infer that they either: befriended each other on their first year at the academy, and later asked to be placed together as dorm mates for their second year, or that one (or both) of them started attending the academy a year later (7th grade), though I think that's unlikely.

Stanford follows the quarter system (not semesters). Most students start the academic year in late September (Autumn Quarter), and must complete 12 quarters to graduate.

Stanford also does not revoke athlete scholarships due to injuries. So it is highly likely that, since Tashi couldn't go pro, and she still had her scholarship, she stayed in college until she graduated.

Since Art was playing a Masters 1000 tournament in 2010 (which require a high player ranking), we can assume that he either: left Stanford to go pro at one point, or he was allowed leeway to skip classes and compete professionally.

The film ends on August 4, 2019. They had no idea what was about to happen in December 2019. In 2020, the vast majority of tennis events were cancelled due to the pandemic, so that's a potential topic to tackle in fic, I guess.

[eemamminy-art]

Things took a turn for the worse today during her treatments and we had to put our kitty to sleep. Please don't ask me for details. We did all we could, but satisfying your curiosity isn't worth me recounting the details over and over to everyone who wants to know. Just know we had no other choice and it was frankly devastating.

I'm going to take the rest of the week off and get back to my comms on monday. It's been a long couple of weeks as it is and this week especially the days have been long. Tomorrow will be another long day to bury her.

some further personal stuff below the cut about death and loss

I feel like every time I lose someone else in my life I'm retraumatized and shattered into more pieces than I was before. My whole world broke completely when my mom died. Then 8 months later my dad died too, and I just remember getting the call to come to the hospital immediately because there wasn't much time left and thinking, "This can't be happening again." Getting the call today about our cat, it's all I could think of too. "This can't be happening again."

Since losing my mom in 2013 and my dad in 2014, I've lost all four grandparents, two uncles, and now my cat. I hate that it's such a familiar routine now. I feel so thoroughly soaked through by death that I will never truly get through it. Like I'm rotting away too, little by little.

I try to take solace in how my dad had this outlook of like, to not linger in the past or linger on the things we can't change. I try to do that. I try to just look forward. When I look forward though, sometimes all I can see is my own death waiting for me. I treat my body so badly when I'm in the thickest muck of sorrow and I know it just burns the candle of my life quicker, but what else am I going to do?

I hate having to tell everyone about it. Yeah hi me again. You'll never guess, someone else died. I know, you're sorry, thanks, it's okay. In the uber ride home I was writing to all my friends who have been checking in on me to tell them what's happened, trying not to throw up, and I'm instantly 22 again, calling my aunts and uncles and cousins at 6 am after being up all night to let everyone know my dad was gone.

I draw and write about these topics often because I'm trying so hard to heal from them and make sense of them. If I can write about fictional characters overcoming their trauma and grief and finding light and happiness again, it gives me some hope that I'll find that one day too. Still waiting, but maybe I'll find it. Though it seems I can't even have peace in my creative outlets when time and again I have people making it about stupid ship wars and antagonizing me and belittling me for what I'm making when I'm just trying to work through all the tragedies of my life through my art and writing. Life isn't fair and then stuff like that happens and I remember people don't care how much you've lost or suffered sometimes, they only care about themselves.

I'm sure this is all very worrying to read but ultimately I'm just venting after experiencing something terrible after a lifetime of other terrible experiences. I'll be okay. I always come through. I'm not a quitter. If you read all of this, then thank you. Please be gentle with me. My light will probably dimmer for the foreseeable future but I'll be okay. You probably noticed I didn't mention many details about my cat. That was on purpose. It's hard enough feeling her absence, trying to articulate all the things that made her so special and that I will miss in her is going to make me even sicker than I already am. So please don't ask. If I want to talk about her I will, but right now it's so difficult, and more than anything my body is just reacting to having the trauma of death coursing through it yet again.

[drvscarlett]

About You Pt 18

Sebastian Vettel x Webber!Reader

Summary: Everyone knows about the history of Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber. But there's a well kept story within the paddock about Sebastian Vettel and another Webber. This is that story.

A/N: and we are here, one more chapter to go. any ideas? any thoughts? I hope you enjoyed this ride because i surely do! listen to ocean and engines by niki to feel this chapter a little more. alsooooo, i'm hinting a new series with the close of this one with our favorite second lead.

About You Series

2014, Sochi Autodrom

It was the first Formula 1 race in Russia and everyone expected fanfares about it yet the reality is far different. It was rare that the whole grid was so quiet. The grid was always buzzing with reporters trying to get a scoop to photographers capturing every single interaction to fans clamoring to get signature from their favorite driver. Today, the whole paddock seems to be walking on eggshells.

Well what does everyone expect when it has just been four days since that awful tragedy in Japan. It felt like it was so wrong in many levels that the drivers are back on track when one of their own is currently fighting for his life.

The doctors told them that there is a possibility for recovery but all can only be determined when he regains consciousness. It was hard to hold on to false hope so the feeling of grief sits heavy on their shoulders.

There were drivers who are angry. Checo Perez was in a screaming match with one of the FIA officials during media day. He demanded how is it possible with all the safety precautions that has been implemented, a tragedy such as this still exist. Jenson, although a little more calmer in his tone, asked for someone to be accountable for what happened to Jules.

Some were emotional. It cannot be denied that those closest with Jules couldn't keep their tears in. Max Chilton, his teammate, was crying the minute he saw that their garage only has one car. He was so used to seeing Jules greeting him and having him on track that it felt unreal that he may never see him again. Another one struggling is Daniel, who has been Jules' bestfriend. Ever since Suzuka, his eyes were red from crying and his usual happy self was gone. It has deeply affected his race performance but he couldn't hide how he feels.

Then there were those who are driven with guilt. Lewis should have felt like in cloud nine after gaining the driver's championship yet he felt empty. No celebrations for that because how could he be happy when Jules is still unconscious. Adrian Sutil founds himself in a battle with guilt even if no one was blaming him. He witnessed the whole thing in front of him and it all happened so fast.

For Sebastian, it wasn't an option to be emotional, angry, or guilty. He has to be rational and if possible hide his feelings as much as possible. He takes it upon himself to look after the whole grid, it was the least that he could do for everyone.

But then in rare moments where he is in his driver's room, an hour away from the race, he lets his guard down.

"Seb, I'm just dropping these oranges"Y/N wheeled in "Seb?"

The distress signals were calling Y/N with how Sebastian stayed with his back turned. His heavy breathing and the shaking hands were a dead giveaway that he has been crying.

"I'm okay, I'm okay" Sebastian repeated like a mantra.

He knows that Y/N has her own fair share of emotions to deal with Jules' tragedy. It mirrored her own a few months ago and she would spend night sleepless after being tormented by the memories of the accident. He needs to show that he is someone strong that Y/N can lean on so he cannot afford to show her that he is crying.

"Please seb, you can talk to me"Y/N begged, inching closer.

"I'm okay, I'm okay"

"Please Seb, I'm just trying to help you"Y/N explained "Please don't shut me out"

"I said I'm fine."

The tone was harsher than what Sebastian has intended. Even he was shocked by his voice and he couldn't help but face her to apologize. A very wrong decision on his part because he saw how equally shocked Y/N has been.

"I'm sorry, I just" Sebastian was lost for words "I'm just honestly so tired and you have been pressing me for something...but I'm still really sorry"

Y/N nodded her head. She was with Sebastian with the past few days and this has been a common occurrence. A part of her hurts that Sebastian seems to be shutting her out but there was the rational part of her brain that tells her that this is just a normal response from the accident. She bits back some of her words and lets out a heavy sigh.

"I'm really sorry" Sebastian embraced her.

She nods reluctantly, there was nothing she could do if Sebastian doesn't want to say anything. For all the years she knew Sebastian, he could be stubborn when he wants to.

Y/N reached out for an orange and handed it to Sebastian.

"Can you peel one?"Y/N asked "Just like our old traditions?"

A small smile appeared on his face and it felt like they were back to the good old days. It seems like it was just yesterday when they were sharing their first oranges and thinking that it brought some kind of luck during Sunday races.

Both of them wish that they were just back to much simpler times. When Sebastian was still a young reckless driver, who wants to prove himself and Y/N was still Mark's assistant. When the problems that they faced were still menial and nothing is as complicated like how they are right now.

They spent some time in silence eating their oranges until the clock starts ticking closer to the start of the race. The buzz of the door outside is getting a bit louder and both of them wished that they can just disappear inside the driver's room forever.

"You come back safe to me Seb" Y/N wistfully stated. The tender smile that they both shared knows how much this sentence weighs right now.

"I'm always coming back for you"

2014, Circuit of the America

Plenty of emails have remained unread ever since Y/N took her leave from the office. Although, it was not part of her job description, Jenson trusted her to sort his emails. Her replacement is someone competent but she is not someone that Jenson could trust yet, hence the pile up.

It was now time to open up the emails and delete the unnecessary ones as it takes up a lot of space. Jenson places himself at the hotel cafe, ready with a cup of coffee to keep himself awake.

"How does she do this every single day"Jenson mutters under his breath.

His respect raised somewhat higher after looking at 10 emails. Most of them were brand deals or an invitation to join a shady business deals. Jenson sorted out the mails into junk or those he would check on with his manager.

Ping.

Jenson almost groans upon realizing that there was a new email that has just been sent. He was ready to say forget it and let it have its turn to be waited upon. But then the subject of the email was written in all caps and bold, emphasizing the gravity of it all.

'WEBBER RESIGNATION LETTER'

The document attached to the email was plain and simple. It discusses how her accident has caused her incapable of fulfilling her duties and that she needed time off to recover completely. She stated how it was one of the best years to be able to work in McLaren and it was unfortunate how it has to end this way.

On another hand, the email itself was a personal letter to Jenson.

"Dear Jenson,

First of all, I apologize since I didn't have the courage to tell you all of this in person. This is an incredibly tough decision to make and I wasn't even sure if I was actually doing this until I hit the sent button. I'm really sorry that I'm emailing something because I'm too scared to face you right now.

Second, I wanted to thank you for everything. You have been the person that I have spent a lot of good and bad days with. You also let me see the different variations of you. The media may always paint you as a cheeky guy who was lucky to win a championship but I see more than that. You are a good person who cares a lot. You love rarely but its genuine. You push yourself to the limits even when you have a shit car or even teammate.

Lastly, I hope that my resignation will bring you peace. I know that you keep blaming yourself for my accident and you still think that you should have been the one driving the car. It pains me that you blame yourself for what happened to me. It wasn't your fault Jenson. I will keep repeating it a hundred times over until you get it through your thick skull. Learn how to forgive yourself and not be too harsh on yourself.

Jenson, I wish I could tell you how much I wanted to stay in this world. Motorsports is the only thing that I know but I have to take some time off. I have to heal myself physically, mentally and maybe even spiritually. Everything has been really draining and it is taking a toll on me. I know you may hate me for my decision but I hope you could understand this one day.

Always with you Jenson, Y/N.

The laptop's mousepad was slippery due to the tears that have fallen from Jenson. He felt a wave of embarrassment after realizing that he was in a public place and it would have made big headlines if someone caught him crying like this.

"Are you okay Mr Button?" a small voice tugged Jenson's jacket.

Jenson saw a young boy in buzzcut wearing a pajama set. He seems to be no less than 10 years old. Jenson immediately fixes his face to greet him.

"Yeah, I'm okay kiddo" Jenson tries to force a smile.

"My sister says its not nice to lie" the boy pointed out "however sometimes my sister lies sometimes pretend things are better than it seems. She says those lies are happy lies"

The ability of children to see through people should be discussed. Jenson finds himself tearing up a bit more after being confronted by a child.

"Here is my hanky"the boy pushed his blue handkerchief towards Jenson "I think you need this today Mr. Button"

Jenson smiles gratefully, he wanted to ask the name of the boy and thank him when someone else approached the table.

"You're Jenson Button? Can we take a photo?"

"Yeah sure"Jenson agreed.

The giddy McLaren fans immediately went next to him. He smiled the best he could and he hoped that his crying wasn't that all visible. After all is said and done, the fans thanked him.

Jenson turned to look for the kid but he was long gone. The existence of their interaction only existed with the blue handkerchief which has the name RJ.

Maybe someday he will meet that RJ kid again to thank him.

2014, Interlagos

When Y/N suggested that they have something to talk about during dinner, Sebastian took it as a sign to make it up for her. He knows how difficult he has been the past few weeks and it took him a while to revert back to his old self. He also knows that this has been a difficult season for Y/N with the accident, Michael, Jules, and every fiasco. They deserve a night out.

And like a poetic justice, he wanted to replace the horrible memory of the restaurant in Brazil last year.

He went all out with the whole preparation. He was dressed in some nice polo, a beautiful dress sent to Y/N, and a gorgeous flower arrangement. He planned to make this evening something memorable and a far better ending than last year.

But the candlelit dinner seems to be lacking its romantic aura with the way that their food has been half-eaten and their wines untouched. It doesn't take a genius to guess that this evening might not go well.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" Sebastian spoke up "You don't like the food?"

"It's fine, I'm just not hungry" her voice was almost a whisper.

In Y/N's head, she felt extremely guilty. She wanted a simple dinner with Sebastian to talk to him about her plans to take time off F1 and take a break. But seeing how Sebastian prepared so much for the dinner date, she felt like she couldn't find a perfect timing to break the news to him.

"You don't have to keep hiding, you could talk to me"Sebastian urged her to open up.

There was no point in prolonging the agony, might as well rip the bandages out.

She sucked in air as she delivers the news, "I'm resigning as Jenson's PR"

The fork that Sebastian was holding clatters down his plate. Surprise was evident on his face since he didn't expect this at all. There must be another team offering her a job that's why she resigned.

"Did Ferrari offer you a job?" Sebastian was trying to be optimistic. "Or did Nico finally poach you to join Mercedes-"

"No other teams, I'm just resigning"

His eyes were looking at her trying to see if there is any bluff or whatsoever, "Can I ask why?"

"There has just been a lot going on"Y/N admitted "I needed to heal and get back on my feet. I need to focus on getting better so I don't have to trouble you lot"

“Is that what’s bothering you?” Sebastian pressed “If that’s the only thing bothering you then you don’t have to worry about a thing. I can always fly to Monaco during weekends which are not race weekends and-“

Sebastian stops upon seeing the sad smile that she has on her face. Her hands pushed the set of keys that he entrusted to her. There was a moment of silence between the two of them and its like they could hear both their hearts pounding in this impending moment of confrontation.

“I have to go on my own Seb”Y/N explained “All the stuffs that I have to relearn, I need time to recover from everything that happened”

‘Then I’ll be by your side,’ Sebastian wanted to protest. But he felt lost for words.

“This whole situation is far from healthy and I cannot burden you any longer when you are also struggling to cope with the losses that we have experienced”

Slumping back at his seat, Sebastian could just recount the several events that happened in the past few months. Everything was a whirlwind for the two of them and at the back of his mind, he knows that Y/N is being reasonable. She needed time to recover from the tragedies and Sebastian also needed to cope healthily rather than pushing people away.

He gazed at her and he seems to notice for the first time how its taking a toll on her. It was a far different cry from that girl who he first met but Sebastian couldn’t help his feelings.

“But I love you” Sebastian managed to say something at last. He loves Y/N so much and the pang of pain in her eyes shows how Y/N loves him as well.

“And I do love you Seb”her voice cracking “But this isn’t a right time for us since we’re both broken and we will end up hurting each other if we stay together”

It wasn’t unlike Sebastian to give up in a fight. He was born to be competitive and fight for what he wants. However, how could he continue to fight when the white flag is already waved and its only waiting for his peaceful retreat.

“So what now..”he wondered.

“I’ll try to find myself”she answered bravely but tears were stinging her eyes “And I wish we could both recover and we can find happiness again”

He could only scoff at that, “That’s impossible for me to do”

“Seb please..”

“You can’t just ask me to let go of you and leave you alone when all I wanted to do is be by your side” Sebastian continues “I love you Y/N and isn’t love just enough to keep us going through things together?”

The woman in front of him started laughing bitterly. He could hear the laughter taunting him but at the same time the tears were falling down her cheeks. It was a whiplash of emotions.

“I wish love was enough that it could help me walk again. I wish love was strong enough that Jules is awake. I fucking wish love was enough that you don’t have to push me away when I was trying to ask you what’s going on.”

Both of them stared at each other like they were trying to figure out who was the stranger sitting in front of them. They both didn’t know how it suddenly escalated and turned into this kind of situation.

“All I ever wanted was a clean break”Y/N pointed “I was trying to take care of you Seb”

“No”Seb rejected “You’re running away from your problems”

Wiping her tears away, Y/N sent a message to Mark. It was a good thing that Mark insisted on being nearby so that if the whole thing goes south then he could pick her up right away.

“I’m leaving now. This is goodbye”

Y/N struggled to wheel herself out but she would not ask Sebastian for any help. She managed to turn her back from Sebastian and she felt hurt that Sebastian was not doing anything to stop her from leaving.

“Did you love me?”

The question stings Y/N and she halts. If she didn’t love Sebastian then she would be selfish and stayed with Sebastian to burden him with her troubles. She loves him so much to the point that she refuses that he was a getting a broken version of herself. She loves him to the point that he recognizes that she didn’t want to hurt Sebastian in the long run that’s why she chooses to recover and heal.

“It don’t care if you don’t”Sebastian declared “Because I love you and I’ll love you enough for the both of us. I will wait for you until you feel better, until you feel okay. I’ll be here”

Those words were something that she badly want to hear. It almost made her abandon the idea of leaving everything behind, she wanted to be so selfish. But she kept going and tried to not look back.

“Goodbye Sebastian”

[npookie0]

i ADORE your writing <33 are u fine with doing hc for all of the li's about a reader who casually talks about the most insane things happening in their past

Unhinged Storyteller.

KC! X reader talking about the craziest stories like it's a normal Thursday, headcanons (really short cause school is hunting me)

Cws: minor spoilers for killer chat

Ronin

He finds it amusing, the way you talk about the most horrific things with such ease, it's the funniest thing for him.

"And then what? You got kidnapped and almost sold?" He asked while you were telling him about another wild story. "Yeah actually." You replied and went on with your story. Ronin has never laughed so loud in a call with you before.

Sometimes it was concerning to him, the ease that you shared things that for most would be traumatic made him feel baffled.

Ronin jokes that you should write stories based on your life rather than his kills, it would be way more interesting. "Nah, it'd feel like 2014 wattpad stories." You'd reply and go on with the story time.

Angel

It's concerning to her, your past, the things that happened to you, she's not sure if she should be happy that you share it with her or worried about your mental state.

Even if worried, she loves to watch you as you talk about the most unhinged things, watching your body language when you describe something like attempted murder or almost falling of a cliff because it was collapsing when you stepped on it.

"Sweetie, maybe we should get some movie producers involved to record a movie based on your life?" She asked jokingly. "I don't know if making a movie about a kid almost getting buried alive would sell as an idea." You sighed dramatically. "People are so tasteless." She chuckled at your reaction and ruffled your hair. "I'm always willing to listen"

Sometimes, when your stories aren't making her question your mental health or how even are you still alive, but are just unhinged she'd write them down to read to herself later and imagine a younger you in these situations.

Misaki

Their jaw reaches the floor every time you tell them something that sounds like the worst horror with a smile on your face and they just look at you with widened eyes.

"Omg babe, you're totally a fanfic main character, you know the I was sold to One Direction type of story." They said when you were telling them about the one time a popular popstar tried to take you to their country when you were a teenager.

Misaki is wheezing whenever you tell them what you did in these situations, or you tell her about the other person's reaction. "Oh my god, you're such a stupid goofball."

Sometimes they just stare at you blankly while they're trying to process what you just told them, then they need to walk in a circle around the room to just understand whatever you went through in your past.

V

"You're certainly very open about this topic." Was the only thing he said when he heard your stories for the first time, at first he took it as fiction, something for your creative writing.

Once he realised that what you were telling him was real he stared to watch you closer, look for any shifts in your behaviour, but he found nothing. You were just talking about the most insane things that a person could imagine like they were a regular occurrence to you.

He grew more concerned with each story, furrowing his brows when he heard about the way you were treated or the events that happened to you.

Most of the time he tried to not believe in your stories, tried to suppress them in his mind, but then he found himself rethinking them, looking back at the this you told him and considering how they shaped you, certainly not that greatly if you were so unbothered while talking about them, or they were so heavy that you mind tried to shape them into a casual topic of conversation? He decided to be more watchful around you, to look for whatever signs of your past troubling you in your actions.

[fallloverfic]

Thoughts on To Be Hero X Episode 8: The Cyan Girl

Neat episode!

(This is the artist who makes a lot of the art if you want to follow them on twitter^)

Anyway, spoilers below:

The (mostly) 2D is honestly really great. Again, the 3D is fine, but I just prefer 2D animation. It looks so much nicer.

I know Liu Zhen is in fantasy China asking how there are air disasters in these times because he's living in an age of heroes who can presumably save any vehicle in the air, but air travel is still generally the safest way to travel (even without heroes), absent, well... massive firings and cuts in air traveling services, and a lack of investment in updating and maintaining equipment and training and hiring and retaining knowledgeable personnel rather than running them ragged until they burn out and run on skeleton crews using old, faulty ,and minimal equipment with an increased chance of failure, on top of firings and cutting investment in weather tracking. -side-eyes the Trump-Musk administration on the coattails of the Reagan administration demolishing not just the Federal Aviation Administration, but also the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration- And oh look, yet another plane crash. This is also ignoring plane disappearances, such as what happened in 2014 with Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

You don't need someone to save you if things work as designed in a way that keeps people safe. An accident is what you get a hero for, not a norm (also you put in place systems and people to recover in an accident before you need like an act of god like a hero with magic powers coming to the rescue; this is part of why Apollo 13 was one of the most successful failures; pilots have training, ground crews have training, these are in place to prevent issues, we don't generally just toss people into the air and hope they land safely without harming anyone else). You don't leave a faulty system in place just because there are supposed to be heroes there to save it in time.

Anywho, I see Liu Zhen has been here five seconds and already has a boyfriend, even if he's evil and maybe caused Cyan's crash for some reason, maybe to make a hero he could use for his own gain or just generally cause a disaster he could exploit somehow for his own hero journey? It's making me think of Mr. Glass in Unbreakable, setting off accidents so that a hero would emerge from one of them.

Liu Zhen's former boss at the newspaper reminds me too much of Agnes Joubert from Tiger & Bunny (the producer for Hero TV) and it was deeply distracting while watching the scene with her. The whole idea of "don't report on or even investigate bad things because the hypothetical of hurting trust in institutions" is so painful. There's a big pushback in a lot of spaces with this. It does more harm than good, almost always. And usually signals you're willing to pass the rod to someone else to suffer. After all, what if someone you cared about was on that plane? Or you? Or the next plane? "They need proper guidance" is so creepily fascist, treating the public like an errant toddler that needs to be managed, rather than something that needs to be informed if the biggest safety net is failing in a major way.

If it's an accident, you ensure it doesn't happen again. You ask why it happened. You don't just pretend nothing really went wrong and can't be fixed, especially when people die.

The long montage of "everyone is awful to Cyan" is so tragic. I do appreciate the show is touching on the horrors of child celebrity. There are so many issues these days with children being used by parents for clout, and how so much of children being online these days is a risk for them from a privacy angle and something they have to tackle when they're older and aware of the issues, leading to trauma and broken families. Not to mention so many children trying to be famous and screwing up big time in ways they'll likely regret later, or just generally being set up for later failure. The Internet is ostensibly forever and there are bad actors everywhere, and some things we don't want people to see or remember.

The scene in the Cyan religious building where she's singing initially actually reminded me a little of Diva Plavalaguna singing in The Fifth Element.

Even the later scene where Cyan and Luo reveal themselves to sing the pop song felt like where Diva Dance switches from somber to vibrant.

So Liu Zhen is Queen's (Liu Yuwei's) father. I wonder where her mother is? (Or is she adopted?) Also, as amazing as Liu Zhen is for sticking up for the truth, he also is kind of enabling abuses of his underage child by getting her involved in professional stuff like that. Yes, teenagers do internships. But also you're getting your underage child into contracts, what in the world?

I wonder what the scandal Mr. Matchstick and Ms. Blazing Fire were involved in was? Yet more mysterious incidents to consider, since we still don't know what the Hero Smile incident was.

Based on what we see of them in the opening, they're actually reminding me a bit of Firefly and Volcana, two fire villains in the animated Justice League series

Obviously there's some visual comparison, but it's kind of funny.

I want them to be happy T-T

The full song^

I really think Luo is going to die. Having been on a lot of stages and used roller skates and knowing this show, my heart was beating so fast when they jumped off the stage and rolled down those stairs. It's okay though, for now the skates won't kill them, but maybe the dean will.

They deserve the world, though. Calamity Luo and Lucky Cyan.

RIP their friend who was helping T-T I hope he's not smushed.

Great episode! Looking forward to Episode 9!

(Ken reminds me of Athena Cykes from Ace Attorney mixed with Sonia from Pokemon lol)

More thoughts:

Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7, Episode 8 (You are here), Episode 9

[le-chevalier-au-lion]

i am gagged, holy - the nasty of jerking off to your brother's girlfriend/future wife while looking up to her as an idol and then years later fucking your brother's ex. Insane Dynamics.

alright. keep holding my hand.

so. 2014. lucia has been doing alright at the spanish cev. valentino has just won at rimini, so things had been predictably loud and cheerful and slightly alcohol-leaden for a couple of days. maría márquez ia apparently (jury's still out) human and fallible.

she comes down for coffee, halfway done with her physics homework, only to find valentino at the kitchen table, jittery, hissing at the coffee machine. he looks tired and puffy from a combination of drinking and insomnia. he looks startlingly thirty something.

lucia doesn't tell him: caffeine makes you paranoid, did you know that. hums a greeting. gets her own mug.

what is your ring size? valentino asks, wide-eyed, a bit like he's chewing at his own arm to get rid of something. very few things are unflattering on vale, but this certainly is.

lucia thinks about stefania's ring. graziano's, which she sold. massimo's, which wasn't really a proper ring for something that wasn't really a proper marriage. her stepfather's, kept in a little box by her bedside table.

she thinks about maría márquez, almost a 4 times world champion, with 11 wins just this year and 5 rounds still to go.

thinks about maría márquez, 21 years old.

something like nausea froths in her throat. something like jealousy. something like shame. please fuck not my sister-in-law hits her first, straight to the chest. lucia wonders if valentino can see it on her face, what she'd done late at night, very quietly.

but of course it'd come up. they're so stupidly in love. it is the obvious progression, when a man and a woman are like that. it's lucia who can't quite swallow past that unavoidable truth.

also, though, she could shake him. you wouldn't let me marry at 21. but lucia has always been very special to vale. and a constant source of worry. they both dearly want her to come out normal.

it's easier, lucia says, patiently, if you can get one of her rings to a store.

she doesn't wear rings. and so they don't name anything, anyone. lucia gives him her best guess, scales up her own ring size, maría's large hands and her thick fingers, the skin leather rough from bikes burnt in her memory.

after testing, in february, with yamaha promising to be dangerous, lucia finds a gaudy ring clogging the kitchen sink. for a split second, for just this one split second, she fucking hates valentino.

the relief is quiet, comes later. lucia had vowed (for her own sanity. for her own hopes regarding her future) to never pity maría, but she'd have pitied what would have happen to her open, unapologetic bloodthirstiness had it been put as second fiddle.

(reconsiders it, years later, in close proximity to maría's psychotic rage and her unflinching, uncompromising drive to win. lucia thinks that it wouldn't have been her to come out of it torn open.)

so. right. 2024 in the middle of the flyouts. lucia has just had dinner with maría and àlex, feels the weight of keeping secrets pressing down on her ribcage. the first thing maría had done was tell àlex. lucia has already met a stone-faced roser and a serious but easier going julià.

she has to open her mouth and say it to everyone. i'm a lesbian. lucia wonders how much that is going trip people up—it's been years since she was last a novelty, the she-rider in the academy, the little girl in valentino's shadow.

lucia watches maría pad around in one of her shirts, long at the sleeves, the hem covering her panties unless she's bending over. watches her wash off her make up, tie up her hair.

did you know you were almost married? she could ask. they'd have married. maría would've said yes, yes, yes, reckless like always, in love enough to bulldoze past everything.

but lucia has spent a lifetime covering for valentino's less charitable imperfections. instead, she puts her hand on maría waist

before or after valencia, lucia tells herself, she's going to suggest that they meet up with stefania, because stefania had never really sharpened up on maría, and because stefania can't judge anyone on dating bad people.

lucia is just going to say it. out-loud. skip two or three steps. i'm dating márquez. no, not àlex.

[saras-almanac]

you asked for distraciton so let's say you have the run of the show what would your ideal robert return and reunion be? i really can't wait for an affair 2.0 because that would be so amazing to see that from the other side and how aaron deals with that and robert since he's insane about his jealousy over aaron

Thank you so much for this ask as it really helped me have something to think about and now I can't sleep and figured now's the perfect time to answer this because literally what else am I doing?

But as an answer, I'll be honest I'm so incredibly torn on how I want Robert's return to the village to be in so many ways. I really go back and forth on whether I want them to have a full-blown affair or if I want that to really truly start after the John stuff's out a bit and then they fall back together and sort of sneak around about it. Or it starts as an emotional affair while Robert's still in prison, talking about a lot of stuff but also not actually talking about anything yet, you know gotta make sure these storylines stretch a lot!

The reason I'm so torn is because I genuinely don't know how they're going to play this John stuff and I just don't think they're going to go far enough with it, if I'm honest. Like it'd not that I want John to stick around, but man do I wish his jealousy causes him to like lock Aaron up somewhere because if he can't have Aaron, then no one can sort of idea. And then of course Robert who has an insane Aaron's in danger radar will be the only one to actually look for him because he just knows Aaron so well and will know something's wrong.

Or have John actually try to kill Robert before everything else has come out about John so that's a huge thing of obviously no Dingles believe Robert because for some reason they're thinking Robert is still 2014-2015 Robert and not a man who willingly went to prison for killing his sister's rapist and not forcing her to testify about it and willingly let Aaron go (forcing his hand) rather than force Aaron to spend the rest of his life visiting him. But that's a whole other issue. If this happened, then it could prompt Aaron to actually start thinking because he knows Robert loves him still and would never try and force Aaron to be with him by lying about something like this.

So basically I don't really know how exactly I want Robert's return to the village to go and/or John's killer reveal to happen but I'm sure I'll probably dislike it whatever they do because John is so boring--his wedding color is beige. Like... not even a warm or dark beige or an accent color that actually pops--the light green almost blends in. Anyways, he's just so boring and I would love to see him really go off before the end.

And then the main thing I really want is that Robert deals with his prison trauma sort of after the John stuff--like Robert's able to ignore it because he's focused on hating John and being a little shit the entire time and Robert's good at having a mask, but once that's over I would love to really delve into Robert's time in prison. I sort of like the idea that he's actually been dealing with some sort of health issue that he's not told anyone about just because I feel like having something like that to work through--which obviously brings Aaron and him closer still--and Robert needing to learn to actually lean on Aaron since he never really did/could back in the old days. (Remember when Liv basically came right out and said they can't say things to Aaron because everyone's always worried about how Aaron's going to handle stuff... and then they basically did nothing really with that) But I would love Robert to be dealing with prison very differently than Aaron and from what we've seen, it seems to be the case. To me, Robert seemed really vulnerable when he was just with Aaron and just had his sarcastic mask ready to go for everyone else and I'm so interested in how he managed in prison. There's just something about the way Ryan was playing all that that felt incredibly intense. And I just don't want a repeat of too many of the same story beats they had when Aaron went to prison.

Now my biggest problem is I just don't know how any of those things will work together to actually be a reunion or whatever, so this isn't really an answer to your question! But those are things I'm thinking about and would love but we'll see what this show actually does. And I'll be here obsessing over wasted potential and what I would have done and giving them the conversations I want them to have but not necessarily on the soap...

[mybworlds]

Chapter 6

Paring: Joel x F!Reader (NO Y/N)

Warnings: pre!outbreak and post!outbreak, AU (there will be some characters, Joel's backstory is different), no Sarah, no Ellie (maybe!), a lot of flashback (at least in the first chapters!), age gap (reader is approx. 10 yrs younger than Joel), slow burn, mutual pining, angst, SMUT, unprotected sex, creampie, oral sex (m and f), fingering, masturbation (m and f), language, attempted SA, trauma, death and violence, abortion.

Rating: M

Masterlist

W.C. 2.9k

Summary: You work in the Millers' company, you are their friend, you have a job you love, your coworkers esteem and love you. Your life is perfect. Suddenly, one day, you wake up in the hospital, you are alone surrounded by silence and strange noises, your door is barricaded, but what happened? And what happened to the world out there?

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Thanks @saradika for the divider and the banner. Thanks @vase-of-lilies for the banner.

Taglist @harriedandharassed

SEPTEMBER 2012

You and Kyle broke up, and it's not because you don't get along, on the contrary. You just realized that you don't feel that attraction, that feeling that should really bind two people; you look good together, you have a lot in common, you love each other a lot, but it's not love. You're sure of it.

You confided this only to Tommy who was happy that your story was over so there was still hope, to quote his words. You shook your head and told him that his brother sees you as a friend and therefore not to count too much on a possible flame between you and Joel. He shrugged and hugged you and said, "Hope is always the last to die."

"Let's forget it, I'm going to work." You tell him. "You can't live on hope." You add, winking at him.

MARCH 2014

You open your eyes with a start, waking up with the phrase, "You can't live on hope," echoing in your head. You are in the middle of nowhere, Joel prepared a fire with your help where he then remained on guard, while you went to sleep in the back seat of a jeep you found abandoned on the side of a road.

It's very cold despite your coat and the blankets you brought with you from that house. For a while you stay under the covers watching the man who is adding more wood to the fire, you close your eyes and for a few moments you seem to see him wearing a blue suit, you can almost hear him thundering orders. Who knows if the Joel of some time ago was really like this, if something is coming back to your memory or if it’s just all in your head!

There are so many things that are still not at all clear to you in his tone of voice, in his looks, in his words. It's as if he were hiding something from you. You don't know exactly what it is, whether it's more bad news that he doesn't have the courage to tell you or whether you're losing your mind trying to remember something that doesn't seem to be in your head anymore.

You decide to stop wondering for now, you don't know if you're really ready to know the truth. A part of you fears it. You don't know what you can really expect from your past, you feel that they are not just good memories.

You get out of the car being careful not to make too much noise with the car door, as soon as you put your feet in the mud under your feet, Joel turns to you, he looks very tired and has a slight pallor on his cheeks. Without saying much, you pass him your blanket, placing it over his shoulders. He gives you an initially annoyed look, but slowly becomes grateful for your gesture.

“How are you?” you ask, sitting down next to him.

"I'm the one who should be asking you that." He states with a slight huff. "Well, anyway. It was just a scratch." He adds, "And you?"

"My head doesn't hurt anymore. I just feel a little dizzy, but it's less frequent." You answer him, rubbing your hands together near the crackling fire.

He nods, "And memory?" he asks, looking at your face.

You sigh, "Part of me wants to remember, wants to do so with all my heart, but there's another part that thinks it's probably best to leave things as they are. I mean, we live in an already broken world and I don't want to have to endure further trauma and pain." you answer almost in one breath, then look down "The truth is I'm scared." you admit staring into the flames "I don't know what's waiting for me."

Joel lingers on your face for a while before returning to the flames, "Not all memories are necessarily bad, you know?" you look at his face and observe his tanned skin turned orange by the flames "You, me and my brother worked together. We were inseparable. I was almost.." for a moment Joel doesn't speak, you don't know whether to press him or wait, you decide not to insist and wait for him to continue "jealous." finally he says and then moves his eyes to you who instead makes them wander towards the woods surrounding you.

You're scared. You are afraid of the world you live in, of never being able to find yourself again and reconcile who you were with who you are today, you are afraid of never finding a purpose again, nothing that can make you feel better.

You decide to push him a little despite your fears, "Why were you jealous? I mean, we were... Um, was there something going on between us that I don't remember?" your heart is in your throat when you look up at his face and meet his dark eyes that seem to be clouded with sadness.

You see him tighten his lips and look down at the fire, with an indecipherable expression on his face as if he were fighting a silent war with himself.

"Joel?" you get his attention. "Please answer me. I deserve to know. It’s my past too."

You see his nostrils flare and then narrow as he breathes deeply, "We were together." he finally answers you and you don't know what to think or what to ask him "Until I ruined everything." he adds leaving you completely speechless and empty-headed.

Were you two together?! Did he ruin everything? But all what? How, why?

You can't put any order to the questions that suddenly compete to be asked, but then there's something else that holds you back: fear. Fear of not knowing the full extent of what drove you to separate, fear of learning something that right now you wouldn't even know how to handle, fear of feeling lost before the truth.

"Why didn't you tell me right away that we were together?" you ask him, now having trouble looking at him.

"If I hadn't told you, maybe... we could both forget what happened." He answers you in a low voice.

You can't comment on his words. You think it's something really serious and terrible if Joel himself wants to forget what happened. You suddenly wonder who the man is with whom you are traveling. You think that he's probably also telling you a lie about the destination you are going to. If you hadn't seen those monstrous creatures yourself and hadn't seen the world as it is now, perhaps you would have even doubted his words.

You're cold, you have a strange anguish gripping your stomach.

Now, more than before, you are afraid to remember.

From that point on, you and Joel barely spoke to each other, mostly answering him in monosyllables or with fleeting nods.

You continued on foot passing through a forest invaded by ferns, the trees are tall and their tops thick, the sun filters through only in that place making it extremely cold and humid. The man looked at you and asked if you were cold, but without even looking at him you replied, "'m fine." and continued on past him.

A part of you struggles to put aside some of the truth that Joel finally revealed to you, but the other part of you wonders what could have happened to end your relationship.

Were you happy before? Have you made love? Were you planning something together as a family, a house together?

You're cold now, but you keep going. Head down, you keep walking, you have no idea why you feel so dizzy. You just know that maybe you should know the whole truth and not just the end.

Are you ready to listen to it? No, but you're tired of not knowing.

"Joel?" you call him when you've been silent for almost a couple of hours. He looks tired, his expression strained, his eyes darkened, his beard longer, "I want to know the reason why we broke up."

He shakes his head, "No." He replies, stopping and looking straight into your eyes. "I'll tell you about the good times before and then... the end. I can't tell you everything from the end of the story."

You swallow, but then find yourself simply saying, "Okay. I'm listening."

At that moment a shot pierces the air making you jump, you don't know exactly where that noise comes from, but it's followed by others, your heart is pounding in your chest and for the first time in hours you look up at Joel but he doesn't look back at you, instead he grabs your hand and drags you with him. You run as fast as your muscles can, when you catch sight of a small group of houses, "There! Look over there!" you shout, pointing out some villas.

"Come on, move!" he urges you, pointing with his chin to the first house with a sloping roof.

When you arrive, the first thing you notice is the extremely unkempt grass and the trees surrounding it are bare and unfruitful, then you notice the fences typical of construction sites that warn you to be careful of falling materials from above and therefore to stay away from the scaffolding. So, you notice that there are some tiles missing from the roof and therefore it's likely that it has also rained inside. The windows were broken from the inside as there are pieces of glass on the outside.

You look for Joel's gaze but he looks around cautiously, he's not worried about the conditions of the house but about your safety and survival. It's not safe to venture in there, but apparently it's not safe to stay out either.

With some hesitation, you climb over the barriers and continue on. The door has been torn off so only the jamb remains. Joel squeezes your hand lightly as if to help you recover from that state of agitation and fear, you know he has it too, but he manages to hide it much better than you. You nod as if to reassure him that you're there and ready for anything, even if, actually, you're not.

You cross the door and immediately the very unpleasant smell of humidity combined with that of paint invades your nostrils, almost causing you to feel nauseous, you cough as you lean forward toward an unfinished wall whose bricks are still clearly visible.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Joel says, holding your shoulder and wrapping his other arm around your hip.

"I'm fine. I just ran too much and then... this smell bothers me." you say closing your eyes and swallowing back the bile.

"The paint, I know." he says. "You've always been amazing at designing, but when you came to the construction site..." you hear him chuckle "you barely stayed there five minutes and as soon as you entered you put on a mask to cover your nose and mouth." he almost smiles at those memories.

“Really?” you ask, noticing his reaction to memories you no longer have.

"Yes." he sighs. "Listen, I'll tell you everything, but not now, not under these circumstances, little one." He continues, stroking your back.

Little one.. was that what he called you?

Did he use this sweet nickname with you?

Did you like it?

Did you have one for him too?

And did he like it?

You nod, taking small breaths and then taking small sips of water, which helps control the nausea you feel. Once you've regained control, you stand up straight and look around, "Well, let's see if any rooms are finished or if we should move on." you say in a low voice, turning on the flashlight, as does the man next to you. In the room there are pieces of furniture such as chairs, tables, sofas covered with white tarpaulins, as if someone had started living there despite the ongoing construction work.

Joel discovers a couch, raising a cloud of dust, "Well, this looks like it's comfy!" he exclaims.

You grumble as you continue on, you find the kitchen, it's fully furnished, but you find nothing but a bottle of water and some packets of crackers that you promptly put in your backpack.

Joel is just behind you, he too is looking around, "I hope this isn't a house from my company!" he exclaims.

"Your company?!" you ask, turning your head towards him.

"Yes, my brother and I had a business together." he replies.

“Did we get along?” you ask him again.

He nods, "You were very good. You always knew how to make something happen, even after sleepless nights, the next day you were able to bring great projects to life." you find yourself smiling "Charlotte hated you for that too!"

"Charlotte?" you repeat, but her name doesn't sound new to you at all when it comes from your lips.

"Oh, fuck." Joel blurts out, pointing the flashlight a short distance away from you. You turn around and see fresh blood on the ground. Joel quickly reaches you, passing you and pointing his rifle forward.

“What are we doing?” you whisper under your breath.

"Let's go away, in silence."

When you're about to turn around, you hear something slithering and then it makes those noises. Your blood freezes in your veins and you become paralyzed, Joel pulls you away by the arm making you hide just in time behind a kitchen cabinet when one of those things appears from the darkness. You just lift your head to see them and you realize that it's one of those things you've already seen in the hospital, now what do you do?

You're both on all fours and hiding back there, but you have to get out somehow. Joel gets your attention with his eyes and mouths they're blind, you nod even though the news doesn't reassure you in the least. He makes the gesture with the flashlight and you slowly sneak out of the room, you're almost back in the entry room when you place your hand on a piece of glass and let out a little scream, Joel turns with a terrified expression behind you, as you hear the sound of that thing approaching. You cut yourself, but this is not the time to think about it, you know you are about to die because that monster is approaching and you don't know how to escape it except by running, but your body seems not to respond to your will. Joel picks up a rock from a short distance away and, before you get face to face with that monster, throws it in a direction diametrically opposite to yours. The hideous creature stops a couple of steps away from you and then heads towards the stone Joel threw.

You can breathe a sigh of relief, you get up and can silently walk away, you are almost outside when something else catches your attention: the corpse of a man. He's dead, he has a gun in his hand, his shirt full of blood, his mouth twisted into a grotesque expression.

"Let's go." Joel says, moving to walk away, but you remain there. It's not the man's expression that troubles you, but his shirt. Blood dripped profusely across it.

"I'm scared." You can almost hear yourself say, "Joel! Joel! Help!"

Joel pulls you away this time and succeeds, you are out now and you quickly climb over the fence, moving away from that house again and returning to the woods. You are troubled, you are cold and a new terrible question is making its way inside you. Your path is fortunately calm, but that question is creeping deep inside you. It's almost dusk when you take refuge in a heavily looted gas station, there's no one there and no one has been there for a long, long time so at least for tonight you're safe.

After you make sure that nothing and no one is around, you sit down to rest a bit and at that time, Joel disinfects your wound. Your eyes often meet, you wonder how or what you will do from tomorrow, you wonder who you were in the past and if you will ever be able to reconcile who you were with who you are today.

Everything seems calm. However, you decide not to light any fires to avoid attracting the attention of anyone nearby, you are both wrapped in blankets. You try not to chatter your teeth, but at a certain point it becomes unavoidable and Joel approaches you, surrounding you and him with another blanket, now you are next to each other.

"Joel?"

"Mh?"

"Were we happy before... before it all ended? Before you and I broke up?" you ask him "I know it's stupid because... you know, usually when you break up with someone it's because you're not happy, but I'd like to know more," you add, sniffling in the cold.

"We were. So much. I was very happy with you. And you with me. We had everything." He sighs, "We could have had it."

"But then why?" you ask him.

He looks at you with eyes full of sadness and regret, "I cheated on you."

You stare into space before you then look up at him with a puzzled expression, "Why?" you should feel anger, pain, but the truth is you don't feel anything, you don't know how to feel. You're just so confused.

He nervously clenches his hands and you, as if moved by invisible threads of a distant and perhaps not entirely erased memory, reach out and slip your hand between his. You frown in surprise at the gesture and Joel also seems shocked because he looks up at you with his lips parted in amazement.

"I - I dunno - I don't know why I did it." You say, pulling your hand away from his.

Instead he holds it back, warming your cold hand, "It's something we always did." He says in a low, bitter tone of voice. "It was your way of calming my nerves after a hard day at work. You sat next to me and, you didn't even have to ask me if I had a good or bad day, you rested your head on my shoulder in silence." he tells you.

"You could see it all over your face what you were feeling." It's meant to be a question, but it comes out of your mouth like a fact, like something you're sure of.

He nods rubbing your hand between his to warm it, both of you looking at your joined hands for a while.

"Did we always do this too?"

He smiles, nods weakly, "I'd like to tell you everything... do you want to listen?"

You swallow, “Okay.”

[edwin-paynes-bowtie]

A Sea Change: My Thoughts After 2 Readthroughs

I'm not really active in the TSC fandom anymore (for reasons completely unrelated to the books, which are my life and still constitute a great deal of my brain space.)

However, Matthew is a character who's uniquely important to me.

I felt a sense of Understanding when I first saw his portrait as early as 2014, and when Nothing But Shadows came out in 2015, I had an epiphany: this kid is my mirror image. Through the years, Matthew and I have lived together. His mental health mirrored mine for the longest time; we ended unhealthy patterns and started to travel at the same time; as of A Sea Change, we've both found love in its best form. We're both blonde bisexuals with unhinged, impulsive tendencies. We have a similar sense of humor and say all the same things. (This actually happened in ChoT; the first time I was reading it, I said 'shouldn't accept that invitation' when Tatiana asked the Institute residents to come out meet their fate. A couple pages later, Matthew said the same thing.) We share a love of literature and plays, of jokes and wordplay.

I love him desperately. I have for over a decade.

So, I have to talk about A Sea Change.

I trusted Cassie to deliver a great story for Matthew. In my opinion, she handled his arc flawlessly from beginning to end. She clearly loves him as much as I do, and it's lovely that he's one of her clear favourites. There is genuinely literally nothing I would change in Matthew's storylines within any of his short stories or TLH. I am happy that my high expectations for A Sea Change were met and that she handled his arc perfectly. My only complaint is that I wanted MORE WHERE THIS CAME FROM!

Anyway:

I don't care what others are calling them, I'm calling Matthew/Sylvain 'Fairlac.' I just am.

I will definitely be writing fics for Matthew/Sylvain in the future, so keep an eye out for them. I don't know when this will happen because I have like a million Dead Boy Detectives fics I'm working on and/or want to write imminently, but they will happen. The first Fairlac fic will probably be a short extension of a scene from ASC so I can get a feel for Sylvain's character (costume room), and the second will probably be an extension of the story where they meet James and Cordelia. At that point I should have a better feel of Sylvain and be able to create and write other new stories about him and Matthew. <3

I loved how grief was handled in this story in a unique way. I liked how it was handled in TLH, too, but it's an interesting progression. We get to see how Matthew's grief looks while actively in battle and fighting for his life right after Kit dies. We get to see how it looks now in A Sea Change. And the new dream at the end was so hopeful.

NOW, THOUGHTS!

THERE ARE SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. BE MINDFUL OF THE SPOILERS, WHICH ARE UNDER THE CUT.

I love Sylvain and Matthew's relationship. I expected it to be rushed solely because of the novella's length, but it had a depth that surprised me. They bonded over the theatrical performance and demonstrated shared interests over the costuming. Sylvain laughs at Matthew's jokes from the get-go. They're both vulnerable with each other about grief (for both Lucas and Christopher), and they were able to provide one another with peace. Of course, they had a lot of passion and physical chemistry, but I was very happy that that wasn't all they had.

Sylvain is really funny. "Bitten by a donkey in Mykanos" cracked me up. I think that's when I really started loving him.

(Also, I need to see this man meet Alastair Carstairs. It will be hilarious. They will be a comedy duo.)

Matthew thinking that butchering Shakespeare should violate the Accords.... so on-brand. New Classic Matthew line.

I also think it was really on-brand for Matthew to use some Fancy Cosmetic Powder to cover his Voyance rune while Sylvain used a bandage like a normal person

Sylvain being a Verlac is fun to me. Like, I want to see people play a little bit with this since Ash Morgenstern is descended from Sebastian Morgenstern. They're related to Matthew. And Sebastian sourced his name from... Sebastian Verlac. I don't know why I think that's funny.

If you don't think Matthew cared about Christopher dying even after this story.... I don't know what to tell you, sorry. You're stupid

I SO badly want to see (or, more likely, write) a scene where Oscar and Flambeau play. For science.

It was extremely funny that Matthew referred to him as "celibate" before ripping Sylvain's clothes off not 20 pages later. Again, on-brand. I love that Cassie let the Matthew of it all shine through.

Slight intermission from my unhinged Matthew thoughts because it's time for UNHINGED HERONDAISY THOUGHTS. We got some crumbs in this story, guys. Lowkey we ATE with James becoming fluent in Persian within one year for Cordelia??? He loves her so much it's insane. Was talking to @angeldaisies about this today and I have been ready to bite people like a feral animal once I realized how much work he must have put into it.

(I bet Thomas is fluent now too. Matthew and Sylvain are now the only members of the core TMT+Partners friend group not to know Persian. Will they all abuse this privilege? Vote now)

I also loved the allusions to Matthew's friendships with both James and Cordelia. Cordelia telling Matthew about jewelry names made me inordinately happy, and I loved the way Matthew thought about how how felt immortal when he was with James. GOD I need to see Sylvain meet Herondaisy. They're so important.

I love the story about Sylvain and Lucas, it completely pulled on the heartstrings in all the right ways. He was really layered??? For a 70something word story. Like, damn, Cassie ate here.

Obligatory Jem Carstairs mention was indeed present, but I found this one more funny than anything. Of course we're talking about Jem! This is Cassandra Clare! But it was relevant to the storyline and didn't pop out of nowhere, so it didn't bother me.

WE GOT SOME REALLY AMAZING WILL HERONDALE CRUMBS. Him touching his parabatai rune? The quotes he said to Matthew about grief? I LOVE YOU WILL

I like how the story wove the vampires not to be the bad guys. I also like how Matthew and Sylvain vowed not to cause harm to come to the vampires after hearing Melody's story. It really drives the point home that Sylvain shares a lot of Matthew's values even if he's less flashy about it.

Also, speaking of Melody! TWP CAMEO???? PLEASE?

I love when Sylvain calls Matthew beautiful, because that's what Matthew held onto Cordelia saying to him in TLH as a sort of talisman. Like, yes, get called beautiful!!!! But not by your parabatai's obvious soulmate!!!!

And, my last thought I want to put on this list: "I like my life." This made me cry last night when I read it for the first time, and I was very moved by it the second time around, too. I love him so much. He has come so far.

[olderthannetfic]

I always see people who have never been antis, talking about/questioning how some antis even ARE antis when you look at their taste in media - ie the ever famous joke of "Hannigram is #problematique" "but it's a show where he eats people" or whatever.

I thought I'd weigh in as someone who could, hypothetically, be called an ex-anti (which, thankfully, nothing ever really came out of it - it was just very 2014 keyboardwarrior-esque behavior of me being a chronically online young adult who would share posts in a group chat making fun of certain shippers, or reblog posts about how 50shades is The Most Problematic Media Ever to exist -- basically I was an anti with anti-lines of thoughts, but i never, like, a ran a Shipping Discourse Blog or whatever)

For me, personally, it was a few different things. I can now see how it's incredibly hypocritical that teenaged me shipped Light/L, while still thinking that Dramione was Bad And Abusive. It ultimately boiled down to a) being pretentious, and b) just not understanding media or what proshippers REALLY believed, with a side of c) not realizing that nuance exists. like i was pretty late to join tumblr, I think I immigrated here during PEAK "yourfaveisproblematic" era which definitely did have an impact on my opinions and my tastes.

to elaborate, a.) being pretentious. i mean this one just kinda goes without saying. "I engage in media in a way more intellectual way than you do, don't you know that? You're a filthy and disgusting person who writes Snape/Hermione because you're an actually disgusting pedophile IRL who would probably date your own student that you're abusing if you could. Meanwhile, I'm a very smart, good, and pure person. When I read Uncle Vernon/Harry, I'm doing it in a G-d honoring whump way that clearly condemns abuse, incest, and rape. Unlike YOU who only writes harmful stuff as a way to get people off :/"

(as an aside, i think this line of thinking will ALWAYS be present in fandom and popculture in some way, sadly. ie the recent trend of people hating on booktok bc the books are 'trashy' and how these porn addicts should read real classic literature instead.)

as for b.), not understanding media - i cannot emphasize enough that i was GENUINELY stupid and disconnected enough to think that proshippers REALLY WERE pro-All Of The Degenerate Dead Doves That They Wrote.

why did i feel this way? why did i understand that Lolita clearly isnt pro-pedophilia, but for some reason i thought that someone shipping weecest was? well, first of all, i think that fanfiction is (generally) seen as Less Serious than classic literature, and fandom is a fun place, so i guess i somehow thought that every fanfic/fanartist who wrote Problematic Things, especially Problematic Things that they portrayed as Sexy, really DID enjoy the thought of that Actually Happening To Real People.

and i think THIS is the bulk of why antis ARE antis. i'm not calling them all stupid - i do think BEING an anti is stupid, but at the same time, there are people who are truly smart and good-intended people who just have some really off color opinions about, like, homestuck ships or whatever. Lawlight is okay because notebooks that kill people don't exist so it's IMPOSSIBLE for the Harmful Aspects of Light/L to be romanticized! but schoolyard prejudiced bullies DO exist and are a REAL problem so Drarry is BAD (*truly completely unaware of the fact that there's 'realistic' aspects of the Light/L dynamic and 'unrealistic' aspects of Drarry - such as, for example, Hogwarts arguably being even MORE of a fantasy setting than DN is.*) I know that media literacy is the hot buzzword of the year to throw around in 2024, but, like, i really did not have media literacy.

as for c.), not realizing nuance exists - ok "nuance" might not be the best word here, but i dont know how else to describe it. like, each time ive typed the word "problematic" out in this ask, i've done so in a very tongue in cheek/ironic/retroactive way, but, like, those posts about how Everything Is Problematic, Including Your Fave ARE true. and i didn't like the fact that my favorite media or favorite person might've Made A Mistake! i need to Talk About Its Issues Because I'm So Betrayed That My Dear Sweet Comfort Media Would Do This To Me. I Need To Prove I Clearly Condemn It.

like, i legit morally could not justify reblogging a twilight post without adding in the tags '#this is my guilty pleasure it sucks that the books were so racist though' or whatever. Most people were lucky enough to avoid that line of thinking, but there was an actual group of people who felt a genuine need to virtue signal all the time, partly bc, hey, they WERE passionate about talking abt #issues in media, but also bc of a subconscious fear of If You Reblog A Singular Piece Of Hetalia Fanart, You're Literally A Nazi And Will Get A Callout Post Written About You.

and during all of this i was at the tail end of my high school experience (yes i know im younger than most of your audience, ha). i was going through A Lot emotionally, going through a lot of life changes, and lived in a very . . . interesting household/place where i couldn't do ACTUAL good in the world that i was passionate about. so to make up for the fact that i was genuinely in no place to do legit activism, clearly i had to save the gay community by arguing about johnlock queerbaiting or whatever.

^ and honestly i do think that is the position of most antis. theyre isolated and cant seem to do Enough in the Real Scary World so they have to resort to talking about how bad of a person someone is for "shipping abuse", bc theyre not in a situation where they could, for example, ACTUALLY fight the good fight to end abuse or raise awareness for it.

There was way more to it and way more that I could say, if I wanted to, but this post is long enough as it is and probably doesn't make much sense.

I feel bad for antis, honestly, or at least the ones who are antis in the way I used to be.

--

Oh yes, passionate young fools who think they can at least fix the internet if not their lives make up most of the cannon fodder. Some of the ringleaders are just mini dictators and wannabe cult leaders, but most anti-leaning types are just traumatized or clueless, even a lot of the ones who do serious damage and don't just mock shit in private with their friends.

[agendabymooner]

mamma mia (again) ! daniel r. x ofc (måneskin member! ofc)

“they ask me why i’m so hot, ‘cause i’m italiano.”

summary: a series of video clips, but it’s only just danny ric being in love with a certain lester alessandro.

content warning: hint or two of suggestive comments (nothing detailed or graphic), use of explicit language, filler blurb or something, danny being a simp for few videos straight (“have my kids” type beat), lester being an etsy and pinterest enthusiast, literally posted this blurb from my phone so they’re crazy about their image limits 😩

note: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE 105 FOLLOWERS?! UHM? seriously, i’ve never been so happy. i honestly only started posting these because i have them ingrained in my brain and won’t let go until i write or make something. just indulging my imagination you know? enjoy xx

masterlist

𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐔𝐁𝐄 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: 𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐑𝐈𝐂 𝐈𝐒 𝐀 𝐒𝐈𝐌𝐏

【VIDEO ONE — daniel ricciardo is a gatekeeper】

[1st image: yeah, i dunno. everyone just found out that i made it official with my girlfriend and i’m pretty sure i just saw lando weeping in his room. max was the second to react to it and i’m so sure he recoiled. he did say that he didn't want to know what happened in imola few months ago.]

[2nd: interviewer: what happened in imola few months ago? daniel: *chuckles* wouldn’t you like to know - nah, i’m messing about. nothing happened in imola besides from me retiring to my bed early. i think we were both drunk when i posted that photo and i know it looks lewd but there's no way we could've done anything questionable.]

[3rd: d: but yeah. we didn't really want to catch that much attention until maybe i don't know... when we're married or something *chuckles* i: keep it a secret until the wedding? d: yeah. but charles, the absolute fool, posted videos during the concert with me in the background. It would've been real nice if no one caught onto it until we had a mini ric running and racing, you know? just to wreak havoc.]

【VIDEO TWO — daniel ricciardo talks about lester’s love language in his gq video】

[1st: i got this journal from lori. it has my initials "DR" on it for daniel ricciardo*laughs* it's one of those many first gifts that i’ve gotten from her throughout our first few months of dating. her love language isn't just shitting on my life -she has every single aspect of love language within her and this is one of them.]

[2nd: when she gave this to me, all she said was "you can write out your thoughts if you can't let them out through your mouth. *giggles* "she clearly had her thoughts sorted out that time especially when she showed me a page with an embossed phrase or nickname, "tasso di miele" - it means honey badger. she apparently bought the custom embosser from etsy and almost fought tooth and nail just to get it in time. *laughs even more* i love her so much, i honestly wanted to cry that day.]

[3rd: lori actually has a laptop with *laughs* itunes on it and she still got some playlists from 2010-2014? yeah. she’s put a lot of old taylor swift songs in my ipod during the christmas break. my favourite album right now is speak now. she loves red.]

【VIDEO THREE — lester hates ashy hands confirmed】

[1st: daniel: i think i should just cover my hands with gloves all the time. lando: that literally has nothing to do with anything that we're about to do. d: lori tells me that my hands are rough whenever she holds them.]

[2nd: l: or you know... you can just use a hand lotion all the time because your hands dry up real fast? d: ah that's true. i wonder if that's why lori just casually put a bottle of hand cream on my travel bag. the thing smells nice though. it’s chamomile.]

【VIDEO FOUR — it’s okay to spoil your partner; even if it’s an accent chair from her pinterest board】

[1st: d: lori just sent me a picture of an armchair from ikea. l: why was she randomly in ikea, by the way? I saw the text. d: window shopping. but anyway, she saw this armchair that she had on her pinterest board. she asked "pretty or no?" with the green velvet chair. l: what did you tell her?]

[2nd: word to word? I texted her "LOL you should see the accent chair I've gotten you for our flat in monaco." l: are you serious? *laughs* d: she wouldn't tell me what she wanted for her birthday. I only got a brief idea when she left her phone in my pocket once and gave me a free access to her pinterest boards.]

[pain-in-the-butler]

Out of curiosity…if Ono is your third fav Seb. What’s your Offical Sebastian Ranking™️?

Just as with the ask about the Anime Expo panel, it's fortunate for me that someone reached out, because I was thinking of making this a post on my own eventually someday anyway. What follows might be more information on my opinions of Sebastian than you care to have, so apologies in advance. Let's count down from worst to best:

6. Hiro Mizushima from Black Butler (2014)

There's a reason no one talks about this movie. It's because it sucks, and somehow I feel I can't really blame Mizushima for his performance, but... it is still a mixture of weird and unmemorable. That hairstyle does him no favors either, but maybe the fact that I find him a little bit frightening to look at should give him points rather than detract them. Off-screen, he looks like a completely normal man; somehow the film's efforts to make him a sexy butler were unfortunately funneled into making him unnerving and unappealing. And the movie is two entire hours long.

There's a lot I've deleted from my memory about the Black Butler live action film, but that lack of memory seems a sign that he should sit in dead last. Whether he's acting like a total weirdo or actually successfully impressing me, Sebastian should never be a forgettable character, and all I can think when I consider Mizushima's performance is that I never need to see it again.

5. Yuya Matsushita from That Butler, Friendship, The Most Beautiful DEATH in the World, and the first run of Lycoris that Blazes the Earth

I know some people may find this placement to be blasphemous, but honestly, the only thing I really like about Yuya's Sebastian is his singing voice, and even then I'm not that wild about it. It's been a few years since I watched TMBDITW, so it's not super crisp in my mind, but I will give him some recognition as an early Sebastian who still had little material to work with. He probably had to do some of his own legwork to adapt the character to the stage and to the original stories he was expected to act in. That can't be easy, and it makes sense that his Sebastian would be one that had to stand somewhat independent from the canon. I also appreciate that he is playing Sebastian with purpose behind his actions and not a sexyman who just serves whatever convenient purpose the narrative dictates, like Mizushima's Seb.

With that caveat out of the way, I still don't like his Sebastian portrayal. It's clear Yuya really drummed up the "I'm no one but I can become anyone" aspect of Sebastian. He can invent personas that suit the situation, like when he decides to seduce Undertaker, but as soon as the problem is solved, he reverts back to being robotic and unsmiling. You get the feeling that he's rather cold and calculating and that he is only interested in doing things that will earn him Ciel's soul. I didn't watch with subtitles, so perhaps that evaluation is misplaced, but his mannerisms dictated that energy to me.

Also, I can't get behind the sort of sexual and romantic tones that sometimes felt present, especially when real children were involved. It will always taint his work for me. There's one song where he and Ciel look at each other the entire time and it's three and a half minutes long but it felt like a year. I wanted to crawl out of my skin because it was so horrifically awkward. Stick this man in fifth.

4. Toshiki Tateishi from The Public School's Secret

So I went into this musical fully prepared to hate Toshiki's performance, considering the act he was following, and... I thought it was actually pretty decent. When I think of Sebastian in the Weston arc, I think of the "sexy professor" angle Yana kept trying to push, and I was worried Toshiki would play into that, especially considering Ciel was being portrayed by a legal adult onstage for the first time. I was pleasantly surprised! That's not what happened at all.

Though likely unintended, I would say Toshiki gives off a rather maternal vibe, behaving more like Seb does in memes: kind of silly, kind of fussy, an overworked single mother who cares for her boy. Toshiki's Sebastian was very attentive of Ciel. He was frequently pleased with his kid's impish nature and didn't seem that annoyed to be taking on extra tasks, only complaining lightly, "Even though I have things to do too!" at the end of the chores song. When Ciel came up with a plan to foil Maurice, Toshiki seemed excited to praise him and gratified to help. He was like Sebastian Lite, only a bit insidious at times, mainly the ever-attentive helper.

To me, it's the first time one of the musicals has made Sebastian feel like a supporting character rather than the driving force behind the story. I prefer when he and Ciel are both treated evenly as protagonists, but I hate it when it's All About Him. I think Toshiki's performance has a good heart and he made me laugh at times. He's not quite canon Sebastian, but I like him. I trust him not to eat the sonboy just yet. Mostly.

3. Daisuke Ono from the Japanese dub of the anime

Daisuke Ono was a part of my first experience with Black Butler, so there's something about his voice that feels like it's just right for Sebastian. And it kind of is. It's a really flexible voice, and one that is clearly giving a performance when you listen to him. He also infuses his dialogue with what sounds to me like inherent smugness, which I think suits Sebastian perfectly. Ono's performance is the most self-satisfied in nature. It makes you think of a well-fed cat licking its chops while it considers its next meal.

His voice is not sexy to me, but I can see why people find it to be. At the same time, Ono isn't afraid to give Sebastian different inflections, even ones that some might consider too embarrassing or OOC for Seb. He's a veteran voice actor and he knows how to do whatever is requested of him. Sebastian treats his career just the same: he too will do essentially whatever Ciel requires. I think Ono is a natural match is what I'm saying, especially having now seen him in person and observing the way he works a crowd so effortlessly.

All that said... Ono's Sebastian is perfect. I don't mean that as a compliment: I mean he's too lacking in flaws. Sure, he has the big flaw (okay with killing a child) but he isn't really giving "silly idiot." Ono's Sebastian is the one the girlies write about in their self-insert fiction. And for the first two seasons, that's kind of who he was supposed to be, so fine. But even when he has silly or idiotic moments, it doesn't feel quite authentic, if that makes sense? I think to Ono, Sebastian's stupid mistakes are just a fluke, quickly corrected. It doesn't feel like they're a fundamental part of who his Sebastian is.

If you consider this nitpicking, you're right! The next two Sebastians are just that good. I still consider Daisuke Ono to be a very talented and accurately-portrayed Sebastian.

2. J. Michael Tatum from the English dub of the anime

While it's possible that I pick up on more nuance in Tatum's performance because he's the only one here who speaks the same language as me, how fortunate we are to have him doing Seb's English voice. He might not actually have a real British accent, but he's just too charming not to love. To me, he has all the vocal command of Ono but is more candid in his delivery. Ono may be Sebastian the perfectionist and Sebastian the performer, but Tatum is Sebastian the butler, well settled and confident in his human role.

I really appreciate the ways you can hear Tatum's voice change notably depending on Sebastian's emotions. This is especially prominent in Book of Atlantic during the flashback sequences: an annoyed Sebastian is an entirely different sounding dude than when he's being cunning, and again when he's being subservient. And he really does have this very silky, ASMR-ass way of speaking that suits Sebastian to a T. It's inherently convincing.

And more to my own interests, Tatum's voice for Sebastian has a really paternal nature to it, and I like that. I think it adds to the complexity of Sebastian's role in Ciel's life when you can hear this caring quality in the voice of a demon that will one day kill the child he works for. He can also be snipped and punctual, and then he can be gentle and reassuring, all in the same scene. And he can be scary too... and I'm super looking forward to hearing how this plays out during season 5.

To compare him to Ono again, I think Tatum knows Sebastian can be an idiot at times, but that quality still takes a backseat to the suaveness. He's almost perfect. And I probably would even say he is perfect, if we hadn't seen perfection itself. As he is, I think Tatum is an excellent voice actor for Sebastian, and I'm grateful that we have him in the position that we do.

1. Yuta Furukawa from the second run of Lycoris that Blazes the Earth, Noah's Ark Circus, and Tango on the Campania

Yuta Furukawa. What a legend. What an icon. This is where I would say "he isn't just playing Sebastian, he is Sebastian," but Furukawa is even more than that. He's what Sebastian should be. And that's not just me being rude to Yana. Yana has flat-out said that Yuta knows Sebastian better than she does herself. She's right.

If you have yet to see Yuta perform, then congratulations: you're in for a treat. What I wouldn't give to forget my first watch of Tango on the Campania and relive that magic all over again. Yuta knows who Sebastian is with every fiber of his being. And the fact that you see him over the course of three plays means you get to witness for yourself how his Sebastian goes from being a smirking demon who lives to impress, to a creature who understands fear, hardship, and pain. And yet you still wonder: is he really learning and growing after all? Or am I too being tricked by this suave being who appears to be emotionally moved?

I'm also proud to report that Yuta plays Sebastian as a true idiot. He says silly things, he behaves in silly ways! He's embarrassing enough to make Ciel roll his eyes, he uses his brawn before his brain, and he's often surprised enough to gasp. He's not afraid to look impressed or astounded or even frightened: he wears his emotions on his sleeves, but he can hide them just as quickly. This Sebastian lives for attention from humans, but what he loves even more is learning from them — perhaps so he can become a better hunter, perhaps so he can become a better scholar. He leaves you wondering which in the most intriguing way.

And I may be biased, but Yuta to me is the most paternal of all the Sebastians. Whether or not a fatherly nature is intended, I'm at least happy to report that his Sebastian is not one romantically inclined towards Ciel. His coworker is an actual child, so there's no reason that should be an acceptable angle anyway, but it really shows in all the little ways he primps at and supports Ciel on-stage. His rapport with Reo is especially adorable and shines through in their every scene.

Not to mention, he's so endlessly entertaining to watch. He has legs for days and he can fuckin groove. He may be playing a demon but he has the voice of an angel. If I called him to my house, he'd probably fix my leaky shower. What can't this gift of a man do??

I could literally go on and on and on for paragraphs. Yana is just the same. We all love Yuta Furukawa, the only Sebastian who is more Sebastian than Sebastian and probably the best thing, in my humble opinion, to come out of the Kuroshitsuji franchise. Thank you, based Yunbastian. We did nothing to deserve you.