#don’t mention that they’ve never dated a black woman forever either

[blackynsupremacy]

idgaf about what’s canon, if you want to romantically write them to be with a black girl, do it!

[iceeckos12]

and he sees dawn before the rest of the world

or: a fucked up little au of 200. intended to be unsettling so just be warned warnings for: unreality (i think that’s the appropriate term? please lmk if not), implied self harm, fucked up relationship dynamics; lmk if i should tag anything else

Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!

“Ugh, five more minutes,” Martin hissed, throwing an arm across his face, as though he could stop the barrage of sound just by covering his eyes. His alarm was unsympathetic to his whinging, continuing to scream its daily mourning dirge, grieving the end of another period of blessed rest. “Fine, fine! I’m getting up, christ…”

He reached clumsily for the phone on his bedside table, only for his fingers to scrabble uselessly around the ghost of its presence. He was momentarily so stymied by the absence that it took him longer than it should’ve to remember that he’d moved it to his desk, to prevent him from giving into the temptation to hit the snooze button just one more time.

Letting out another slew of curses, Martin shuffled onto his other side and reached for

A jaw-cracking yawn near split Martin’s face in two as he hunched over the gleaming tea kettle, steam beginning to pour from the spout. He shuffled his feet, eyes meandering sightlessly over the cow-shaped mug drying on the counter, the cluster of crumbs that he must’ve missed when cleaning up after dinner last night.

He hated mornings. Maybe it was the preemptive dread he felt at the thought of going to work; maybe it was because he hated having to be upright this early in the morning. Either way, he felt strangely disconnected from his morning routine, each motion carried out with habitual, distant efficiency as his thoughts raced along like a hamster on a wheel just below the surface.

It...was a bit silly for him to be worried about work, though. The stuff he was doing was interesting, and he had the loveliest coworkers a guy could ask for. They’d even offered to teach him a thing or two about artifact restoration once they learned the truth about his CV.

He drew himself up to his full height and rolled his shoulders back, clouded sigh mingling with the fog from the boiling water. Things were going well. Hell, he was actually going to get top surgery sometime in the next year or so, which was amazing considering his teenage self would’ve laughed at the very idea of being out.

There was no reason to dread going to work.

Martin carefully poured the water into the mug, letting the tea steep before adding a splash of milk and sugar. When he picked the mug up, the heat from the tea had bled into the ceramic, so warm as to be uncomfortable against the delicate skin of his palms. He didn’t let go, just kept on gripping the mug, like trying to contain the last gasp of a dying star.

Martin stared around his kitchen. The waterstains on the inside of the cow mug slowly evaporating into the still air; the crumbs that had sat there for who knows how long. The empty, blank face of his fridge.

Martin lifted the mug, and steam collected on his glasses as his breath wafted over the surface of the tea. He drew away, waiting for the lenses to clear, before leaning in for another sip.

His reflection stared back at him, a monochrome facsimile of his face rimmed in white smoke, and he recoiled, the mug slipping from

Working nine to five, what a way to make a living…

Martin stared out the window, his hand pillowed in the palm of his hand as Dolly Parton crooned in his ears. Split second by split second, he let his eyes catch on a point in the darkened surroundings, only letting his vision blur into incoherence when that fixed point whipped out of sight. It was a game he sometimes played when he got bored of reading or playing cards on his phone.

The old woman across from him let out a quiet grunt and shuffled, drawing his attention back inside the train. She was a gnarled old thing, bowed by the gravity of grief and time and life, though Martin couldn’t say for certain whether it was one well-lived.

Barely getting by, it’s all taking and no giving...

That was the thing about people watching: Martin was never quite sure if it was disrespectful to make assumptions about a person’s life based on a passing glimpse. He could never be sure if the person with the grumpy expression had a foul attitude, or if they were just a kind person on the tail-end of a truly awful day.

The old woman was knitting though, and Martin generally found it safe to assume that knitters were nice people.

For a moment he thought about taking out his headphones and striking up a conversation; the pattern looked devilishly complicated, and as a beginning knitter, he always appreciated tips. There was an unfinished set of fingerless green gloves in the back of his closet; it was easy for hands to get cold in the Archives, and the color suited

“Alright, Martin?”

Martin startled, his pen clattering to the floor. He looked up to find Sasha perched on the edge of his desk, grinning like the cat who’d just eaten the canary. Or, he thought she was. His eyes kept skittering from one corner of her face to the other, like a smooth stone skipping across a lake.

“Uh…” Frowning slightly, he let his gaze travel over the shelves of books, the humming lights, his cluttered workstation. He removed his glasses so he could rub at his aching eyes, and let out a deep sigh. Probably just the stress. “Yeah—yeah! Sorry, I’ve been distracted all morning.”

Martin got the impression of Sasha’s grin being tempered with genuine concern. “I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything okay?”

“I think so. Just...work, and my mum…” he gave an expansive you know sort of gesture at life in general. “Thank god the weekend’s coming. Anyway, is there something I can help you with?”

“Well, I was going to ask if you wanted to come get drinks with Mel and Tim and I after work, but…” She cut him a meaningful glance, the bottomless holes where her eyes should be boring bright spotlights into the back of his skull. “We’d understand if you’re not feeling up to it.”

“Is Georgie coming?”

Sasha shrugged. “Probably. Mel didn’t say so, but they’ve been all over each other since they started dating.”

Martin laughed. “True.” Tried to gauge how he was feeling, whether or not he was up to a night of socializing. You should go, a strangely posh little voice murmured in the back of his head, and he found himself saying, “Actually yeah, I would like to come. I could use a night out.”

Sasha clapped him on the shoulder, and the impact rattled through him like a gong being struck. The echoes of it vibrated all the way down to his toes. “Excellent.”

Martin hesitated, and then, not entirely sure of what he was asking, “What about J

“Thanks for waiting with us,” Georgie said, smiling beatifically up at him. Passed out on her shoulder, Melanie let out a drunken snuffle and curled over, like she was thinking of climbing through the spaces of Georgie’s ribcage and sleeping in her chest cavity forever.

“Not a problem,” Martin replied, scratching the back of his neck.

To be honest, waiting with her was as much for his benefit as theirs. At first, he’d thought it was just stress; now, he was very sure that something was wrong. It wasn’t anything specific, or even bad; more like there was a sepia camera filter tinting the world dusty and nostalgic.

After his third drink, he’d looked into Tim’s laughing face and thought he might burst into tears. And he still didn’t know what Sasha was supposed to look like.

But he didn’t want to worry her, so he just bit his lip and rocked back and forth on his heels, even though the motion made his head spin that much worse.

(Maybe he needed to take a couple of days off. Have a lie-in. But that would—that would delay his work. The Institute’s work. Delays were bad; he felt strongly enough about that to carve it directly into his skin so that he’d never forget. He could roll down his sleeve and take a peek at it whenever his motivation slipped, like checking a watch for the time.)

For lack of anything else to say, he nodded toward Melanie. “She’s really out, huh?”

“She’s always been a lightweight.” Her tone was wry, but her eyes were soft and fond as she brushed Melanie’s bangs back from her face. “Never gets hungover though, the lucky bastard.”

“The nerve!” Martin said, affecting offense, which sent them right into another giggling fit.

Once he got his breath back, Martin mentioned offhand, “You know, considering how similar they are, I’m surprised that her and J̷̧̱̜͕͕̤͉̣̺̺̝͖̠̹̜͙̣͉̩̺̤̟͉͓̞̹̗́̆̂̋͆̊̎́͂̑͋̌͊͘̚͠ͅo̶̧̨͕̖͔̬̖̝̪͚̻̟̠̜̣̰̅n̶̥̉́̎͑̀͂͆̿̾͛̾̔̐͌́̅̂͂̒̆̐́͊̄̾̍̅̅͝

“Stop it!” Martin screamed, grabbing the mug from the counter and throwing it across the room. It shattered against the wall, scattering shards of ceramic across the floor. “I know

“What you’re doing,” Martin gripped the bathroom counter, ignoring the persistent ringing of his alarm, staring deeply into his reflection, “Stop it, stop it, nononon̴̡̡͚̮̠͙̻͔͎͈̜̓̈́̈́͜͜ͅǫ̸̯̠̱̖̲͙͍͎͒̇̑͒ṅ̶̨̩̳̩̝̹̳͎͈̬̦͆́̈́́͐̏̈́̕͝͝o̸̡̻̱̗̥̮̙̳̞͗̄͋̈́̀͝n̸̢̛̟͙̘̱̩͕̦̫̤̮͆͑̊͋́̂̽͜o̶̘̱̗͑̿͜��̘ņ̶̥̞̠͕͓̠͔͚̮͈̬͕̀͗̄̓͑͑͛̕ͅő̸̮̫̓͌̾̌͋́̂̏̒̃̃̄̚n̵̗̫͕̺̻͔̭͖̉͒͗̀̈́̃̅o̴͓͉͉͗͋̎̕—”

“Shhh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, it’s okay—”

“No!” Martin shrieked, shoving Jon’s hands away, skittering backward across the broken and cracked stones of the Panopticon. Through the arched windows, the sky was a poisonous green and black, and multitudes of eyes orbited the room, watched his every movement with sickening fascination. “Just—stop.”

Luminous gaze weary and resigned, Jon did as he was bid, dropping back onto his heels.

Rubbing sweat and grime and tears from his face, breathing harshly through his mouth, Martin took a moment to remember where he was, why he was here. It always took a moment for everything to come back.

As though unable to keep silent any longer, Jon asked, “So what was it this time?”

“Don’t,” Martin hissed, dragging his hands through his greasy hair.

Though his expression went mulishly annoyed, Jon raised his hands placatingly, a silent, alright, you win. It was a familiar gesture, one that he’d done so many times while they were living in Scotland, while they were traveling the devastated landscape of the apocalypse. It made Martin ache for when things were simpler, when his heart didn’t just feel like one big bruise.

He gently set the thought aside, and turned a more assessing eye on the Panopticon. Normally the changes were insignificant, but something thick and red and black had started to coil around the windows, weaving in and out of the floor, cracking the stonework. Martin traced the strange things with his eyes, frowning—

“Christ, Jon,” he whispered in horrified realization. “Are...are those corpse roots?”

Jon bobbed his head. “They’ve long since overtaken the rest of London. It’s just us, now.”

Martin sucked in a long, frustrated breath through his teeth. There was no point trying to talk any sense into Jon, not after so long, and force would only result in immediately getting kicked back into that horrible dream world.

“And the others?”

Jon shrugged, tracing the cracks in the earth with his fingers. “Still alive, and living happily in the dream I made for them.” He didn’t say, unlike you, but the implication was so loud he might as well have screamed it.

“Shut up,” Martin muttered, pushing to his feet and limping to one of the windows.

Corpse roots, as far as the eye could see. They covered the city of London in a blanket of tangled black, so thick that it was impossible to see the buildings beneath.

“Was it worth it?” he asked, sagging against the side of the window, too tired to be angry.

When the silence persisted a second too long, Martin turned around to find Jon with his head tilted back, examining the corpse roots consuming what had once been the Beholding’s seat of power, expression distant and thoughtful. The eyes, ever-watching, never understanding, drifted closer, greedily drinking in the sight.

When Martin realized that Jon wasn’t planning on answering, he let out another sigh, ruffled his bangs away from his face, and said, “You’re never there.”

Jon’s gaze snapped to him with a laser-edged focus. “Sorry?”

“If you’re going to trap me in a dream,” Martin said, each syllable clipped and precise, “You could at least be there.”

Like it always did, Jon’s face crumpled, and he looked away. “...I don’t deserve it.”

“Oh, we’re well past that and you know it!” Martin shrieked, striking his fist against the stone. “You made your fucking decision to damn the world, to hell with whatever we thought, the least you could do is stop hiding behind your pointless guilt and act like this is what you actually want!”

It would’ve been better, if Jon had simply become drunk with power and was no longer listening to reason. The fact that he’d made this same decision every single day with clear, unclouded eyes and sound judgement—as Jon the human, rather than Jon the lynchpin of the apocalypse, pupil of the Eye—made Martin want to scream.

“I do want it!” Jon snapped back, then quieter, “I do.” He looked up at the corpse roots again, eyes going misty. “I just—I should witness every second of misery and pain that I’m causing. I don’t deserve to just...forget.”

Wind snapped and howled around them like a creature mad with rage, and Martin idly wondered what would happen to this world once Jon died. If it would all go back to the way it had been before, or if the shell of the apocalypse would remain until the end of time, a corpse husk of a reality warped beyond repair.

“You shouldn’t have to experience this alongside me though,” Jon continued, rallying. “So I would really appreciate it if you’d stop breaking your dreams.”

“Tough,” Martin snapped back, folding his arms obstinately over his chest.

“You could be happy!” Jon reiterated, stabbing his index finger into the palm of his hand. “You could just...live your life! Forget! There’s no point in being here.”

“It’s a deal, remember? Where you go, I go. Fuck you very much, but I don’t break my promises.”

Jon stared at him for one beat, then another—and then promptly burst out laughing, his whole body shaking with the force of it. Martin stared at him, utterly bewildered, as the laughing slowly began to dissolve into desperate, heaving sobs, as he began rocking back and forth, arms wrapped around himself in a mockery of comfort.

“I miss you,” Jon gasped out, half-crazed. “So much. I miss you every day even though you’re right in front of me. But I can’t go to you, because I don’t deserve to, not when I’m the one who trapped you here. I’m everything that’s wrong with the world. I always have been.”

“Jon,” Martin sighed, low and tired.

Jon buried his face into his knees. “No, you shouldn’t—you shouldn’t forgive me just because you pity me, that’s not what I—I don’t—”

“Who said anything about forgiveness?” Martin shook his head. “Fine. You’re an asshole, and I hate you. But it’s like I said.” He gestured toward the Panopticon, the roots, the poisonous sky. “When has deserving ever mattered?”

Jon lifted his face from his knees, though his gaze stayed rooted to the floor. “...I suppose.”

“Right,” Martin agreed. “I’ve accepted that you’re not going to change your mind, but...at the very least, I don’t want to die alone. So can you please just…”

There was a long, weighted pause.

They’d had arguments like this what felt like hundreds of times before. Martin begging for Jon to change his mind, Jon refusing with that same resigned, determined expression on his face, before sending Martin back into his dreams.

Maybe it was because Martin wasn’t asking him to change his mind this time. Maybe it was because they were so close to the end of all things, and soon they’d be the last two people on earth. Maybe it was because Jon was tired, had been for so, so long, and he had won anyway, so there was no point in fighting any longer.

“Alright,” Jon whispered.

…

…

...

Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!

“Ugh, five more minutes,” Martin hissed, throwing an arm across his face.

Somewhere in the far distance, the toilet flushed. A moment later, a pair of feet padded lightly into the room, hesitated at the edge of the bed, and then made their way over to the desk. The alarm abruptly went silent.

Martin uncovered his eyes and grinned up at Jon as he tentatively slid back between the covers, every movement careful and deliberate, like he was reading stage directions from a script.

“Look at Mr. Workaholic, having a lie-in,” Martin teased, pulling Jon into his arms and inhaling the scent of his coconut shampoo. “Must be the end of the world, or something.”

Jon stiffened for just a moment, before turning around and burying his face into Martin’s chest. “Or something.”

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Meant to be (G.D.)

Summary: There is a reason why the road not travelled seems more appealing, why the past might trick us into believing if we had made different choices, or just done one thing differently, that our lives would be better for it. There is a reason they say ‘Careful what you wish for’ and Grayson is about to find out exactly what it means to have all his dreams come true. Question is, what’s the cost?

Warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol, sexual innuendoes, angst, fluff

Word count: 21k

===========================

Regrets are a weight on the heart and a curse on the mind. They bring out the past over and over again, always tormenting its victims with what ifs and promises of a better life. But it always comes at a cost, it always asks for a sacrifice. It drags its victim away from the beauty of their life, forcing them to wonder...

What if…

It's only two words, six letters, but they can change a person. ‘What if’ is a reminder of all the mistakes, of all the roads not taken and while they may not be as good as reality, one would always ponder on the possibility of something more.

What if...

What if..

What if?

For Grayson, his ‘what if’ had always been a little down the road, back when he was just a teenager and his choices were far simpler. Life was simpler, happier.

Becoming a YouTuber didn't entirely fulfill the dreams he once had. It gave him money, women, fame, but it took away his peace of mind and a quiet suburban life with the love of his life.

At least he found the love of his life. Or so he hopes. 

He's been wrong too many times before to dare say the L word now, but being with Ella feels right. Almost right. He'll never get his perfect life even if she is the one and it has nothing to do with her but the choices he's made before they ever met.

Too often would Grayson watch her sleep and question if he should feel guilty about his ‘what if’. Would she judge him for the inner workings of his mind? Would she feel like their relationship is a lie? Like she isn’t enough? 

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Her raspy voice brings a smile on his face and the thoughts aren't as loud as they were before. No one could ever quiet Grayson’s mind like Ella can. It’s as easy as breathing for her, a single look sent his way and Grayson couldn’t focus on anything other than Ella. 

"Some past choices." Grayson never lied to Ella. When they met, she demanded he be honest with her, always. 

Reluctant, Grayson shared his earnest opinions and in time, he realized Ella is right; honesty is the best policy. It helped their relationship develop on a solid foundation, allowing them to grow together. For once, Grayson didn’t want to date every girl with a heartbeat, his attention focused elsewhere - on Ella.

"Like what?" She tilts her head up, her chin resting on his chest and her brown eyes meet his, a look he always cherished. Ella was always quiescent, a snowflake that he protected with his life.

She had the kind of eyes that made a man weak in the knees and while she was bitter about the mundane color, Grayson never saw a more beautiful shade. There was nothing mundane about her.

"Like the time Ethan and I thought we'd go to that private school on a sports’ scholarship." Sighing, Grayson runs his fingers down her back, playing with the strap of her bra. It's black and lacy, the kind she'd wear to seduce him and yet she's not trying. Ella could sense Grayson needs intimacy, conversation, not sex. She knew him so well, read him like an open book.

"If you did that, you'd probably never be a YouTuber. You wouldn't have the money, the fame, the experiences you have now." Biting her lip, she pauses before speaking timidly, "You wouldn't have the people you have now." 

Swallowing thickly, Grayson noticed the sudden change in her demeanor, the flicker of hurt in those earthy hues enough to make him realize she's thinking of the possibility of them not meeting.

“You really think you can get rid of me that easily?” He pursed his lips, eyes narrowing ever so slightly as her expression dulled. 

Grayson wasn’t sure if he believed it, but Ella did and he had to remind her, to make her smile so he wouldn’t feel like he’s drowning in the unshed tears forming in her eyes. 

“You always say that people who are meant to be", Grayson starts and she rolls her eyes playfully, a small smile appearing on her lips.

"Will find their way in the end, I know." Groaning, she rolls on her back, her head resting on her pillow. 

Raising an eyebrow, Grayson moves to his side, towering over her with a lopsided grin. "Should I be upset you just chose your pillow over my chest?"

"Should I be upset you're thinking of a life without me?" She challenges, her left eye narrowing ever so slightly as she stares at him. It's as if she's daring him to move, to take these thoughts out of her head. After so many obstacles they’ve managed to overcome, she couldn’t help the hurt his admission caused. She never once thought about anything other than a life with him.

"I don't think of a life without you, Ella", Grayson's smile falls, his voice deeper, "I believe we would have met either way. You're everything", lowering his head on her chest, his hand rests on her stomach, "We are meant to be."

Fingers treading through his hair, Ella sighs, "I think you're wrong. To be meant for someone means more than just meeting each other. It's the circumstances, it's the experiences that have shaped your preferences and character."

"I'd still fall for your pretty eyes and crazy laugh", Grayson argues, his eyes focusing on the birthmark between her breasts, yet another thing she hated and he loved about her. That would never change.

"I'm not sure I'd go for a jock tho", she states and his head snaps up to meet her gaze only to notice her lips twitching in an attempt to suppress a laugh. Just as she sees the questioning gaze, Ella bursts into laughter, coercing Grayson to do the same. He loved her witchy like cackle she calls a laugh, it's impossible not to laugh when he hears it.

And so, with a laugh filled night, Grayson settles beside Ella as he drifts off. Her words run through his head, wondering if it's true. 

Would they still be together if he hadn't moved to Los Angeles to be an influencer?

As his consciousness fades, Grayson mutters under his breath, completely unaware that his life would forever be changed.

"I wish Ethan and I got the scholarship."

There’s a reason they say be careful what you wish for and Grayson was about to learn the hard way.

--------

"Ugh", Grayson moans, feeling like death. His head hurts, his muscles are aching as if he had run a marathon and his mouth is dry.

"Ella?" He calls out, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he rolls on his back, "Babe, I think I'm sick."

"You're not sick, you're hungover", Ethan chuckles and Grayson's eyes open wide.

"Fuck you talking about?" He squints and raises an eyebrow, noticing Ethan in a bed just a few feet away. His lips part, eyebrows furrowing as a faded scar between them becomes prominent.

"You drank a shit ton." Ethan reminds him, throwing a shirt his way.

Shaking his head, Grayson realizes it isn't a shirt, not when his last name is on the back of it right above a number.

"This isn't funny, E", Grayson breathes out, eyes fixed on the jersey in his hands. "Where is Ella?"

Sitting up, Ethan shrugs, "That the girl you were messing around with last night?"

Closing his eyes, Grayson feels his heart sink. "Messing around?" 

He wouldn't hurt Ella that way, would he?

"Since when do you even remember their names? What happened to hit it and quit it?" Ethan asks, standing up to grab his phone and Grayson scoffs.

"Now I know you're fucking with me, I'm a one woman man now. You know I'm with Ella. You can end the prank here because I really feel off." Grayson grimaced with the shooting pulsating pain in his head intensifying, wincing as he rubbed his temples to soothe the pain.

Ethan steps closer, concerned for his brother who is looking around the room with confusion. "Did you hit your head or something?"

"I dunno, maybe." Rubbing his forehead, Grayson sighs, "I have a major headache and I need Ella, okay? Where is she?" Standing abruptly, Grayson frightens Ethan into a backward stumble. "Ella?!"

"Fuck, I knew coach should have sent you to the doc!" Ethan runs his fingers through his hair, genuinely scared for Grayson.

Growling in frustration, Grayson reaches for Ethan, his fingers gripping the thin fabric of his shirt as he forcefully pulls him closer, "Cut the shit, where is she?! Huh?!"

Raising his arms in mock surrender, Ethan shakes his head, "I swear I don't know what you're talking about!" Eyes wide, Ethan pushes Grayson. It's not as forceful in fear of hurting him but enough to get the message across. "You never even mentioned an Ella before."

Releasing Ethan, Grayson stumbles back to the bed. Sitting down, a heavy sigh passes his lips as his eyes fall to his feet. His bare feet. "What the", pausing Grayson blinks fast, "Where's my Tame tattoo?!"

"Tattoo? You better not have a fucking tattoo!", Ethan rubs his chin, trying to understand what is happening. "I'M CALLING THE DOCTOR!" Rushing out of the room, Ethan slams the door behind him.

Lips quivering, Grayson takes his shirt off only to find his chest, his arms are void of tattoos. "No, no, no." Pulling his sweats down, he finds his legs just as bare, no ink he had invested years in. "No, NO, NO!"

Scrambling to the bathroom, he stops in front of a mirror only to find his hair is shorter, dark circles around his eyes are prominent and his lips chapped. Flashing his teeth, he finds no tooth gems, "Those cost a fortune!"

"Bro, we gotta get you to a hospital!" Ethan mumbles, running around to find something to wear while Grayson pales. His hands are shaky, his entire body trembling and he can't help but wonder if Ella was just a fever dream he had.

Or this is?

In what world does he still share a bedroom with Ethan? The tattoos, the gems, the jewelry! He didn't even have a hole for an earring!

And Ella? His sweet brown-eyed Ella with the heart of gold? What of her? If there's one thing he's sure of is that he isn't creative enough to dream up someone as perfect as her.

"C'mon, they'll do a CT as soon as we get in." Ethan waves him over, only then noticing Grayson is in his briefs. "Seriously?!"

Groaning, Ethan grabs him by the forearm and pulls him along, throwing clothes in his face.

"I know you're freaking out or whatever but we need to hurry! It's been a day since you took that nasty fall and I know you said you were okay but THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY!" Rambling, Ethan stopped. Taking a few deep breaths, he turns to Grayson with tears brimming his eyes. "You’re my brother and I can't lose you."

Nodding, Grayson presses his lips together. He'd argue, ask him if this is some elaborate prank again but it doesn't feel like one. It feels real and that is what scares him. So, reluctantly, Grayson does as Ethan says and he puts on the clothes, following him to the door.

He wasn't sure what to expect, but Grayson finds himself with raised eyebrows and a concerned look on his face once he sees the state of the house they're in. There are people lying around, red cups and beer bottles everywhere and he could have sworn he saw a few used condoms on the floor as well.

"Where the fuck are we?" Grayson whispers and Ethan pales.

"The frat house. We've lived here for three years Grayson!"

Running his fingers through his hair, Grayson has to suppress a groan as he realizes just how short it is. He's used to his floppy hair, it relieved his anxiety to run his hands through his hair and Ella loved to tug on his hair too. She never said anything about the length, so maybe it’s the feeling of her tugging his hair while he goes down on her is for his own pleasure, but he likes to believe she enjoyed it too.

"You said I hurt my head?" Grayson tries, hoping to understand.

"Yeah, during football practice yesterday. Ryan tackled you because you fucked his girlfriend."

Inhaling, Grayson's eyes widen, "The fuck?" 

So far, Grayson understood one thing: that he understands nothing.

-------

“All the scans came back clear. What kind of symptoms are you experiencing?” 

Grayson glances at Ethan, his mind torn. If he admits to what seems to be a crazy theory about him waking up in some hell dimension, the doctor might put him in the psych ward and throw away the key, but if he doesn’t and all the memories of his life and…Ella’s love are just a symptom of his fall, then he might deter the doctor from a proper diagnosis. 

But as Grayson swallows thickly, he shakes his head. Even if everything was a lie, a symptom, is who Ethan says he is truly who he’d want to be? 

From what Grayson gathered, he is a womanizer with no respect for women or their feelings, he’s an egomaniac and very likely has an STD by now. He sounds like a guy with commitment issues and a nasty personality considering he’s been sleeping with his friend’s girlfriend. 

“Just a headache.”

Ethan’s jaw slacks, his eyes narrowing at Grayson, “Are you sure?” He’s speaking from a confused, angered place and Grayson can tell Ethan is about to blow his cover. 

“I’m sure.” Grayson speaks through gritted teeth, his nostrils flared as he gives Ethan a pointed look. “I’m perfectly fine, just had a wild night and a nasty fall. I’ll take a few pills and be fine by Monday.”

“Alright. I’ll clear you to play next week, but keep the head safer next time.” 

A tight lipped smile on Grayson’s face did nothing to alleviate Ethan’s anger. He had brought his brother in for good reason and he just lied to the doctor’s face. Truth be told, Ethan is worried Grayson is having a psychotic break. Instead of ratting him out, Ethan decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and a single day to reassess the situation again. 

Once in the car, Ethan turns to Grayson with raised eyebrows. “Wanna tell me what the fuck that was about?”

Shrugging, Grayson swipes his thumb across his bottom lip, wincing as he does. “Do I have a busted lip too?” 

“Cut the crap, Gray, what the fuck is happening?” Ethan fixes his eyes on Grayson, refusing to start the car before getting a concrete answer to his many questions. “You’re acting like a totally different person. It’s like you’re an alien possessing my brother’s body and I don’t know who the fuck this Ella is but if she did some magic voodoo thing to you, we got a witch to burn!”

Gasping for a breath, Ethan stops but his eyes narrow as Grayson cackles at him and his rant. 

“THIS IS NOT FUNNY, GRAYSON!”

A hand over his chest, Grayson leans back. Attempting to stifle his laugh, he nods, “I know! I know”. Sniffling, Grayson lets out a long sigh before looking to his brother. “If I tell you, you’d think I’m crazy and I’m not! I swear I’m not!”

Licking his lips, Ethan leans back in his seat. Gnawing on his bottom lip, Ethan can’t help the curiosity bubbling up to the surface. Whatever it is, it can’t be that crazy, can it?

“If I promise to listen to you, will you tell me?”

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, Grayson shrugs, “Only if you stop freaking out too.”

“FINE”, Ethan exclaims just as Grayson finishes his sentence, willing to hear his side of the story.

“I think I’m in an alternative universe. Like something got fucked and I’m now in an alternative universe because where I come from we aren’t frat boys with a drinking problem.”

Clearing his throat, Ethan motions with his hand for Grayson to elaborate.

“We moved to Los Angeles in our freshman year of high school and did YouTube and we got famous and rich and I had the most beautiful girlfriend. I was with her and then I woke up here.”

Tapping his fingers on his knee, Grayson looks out of the window, biting his lower lip. “She, uh…She means a lot to me.”

“Okay.” Ethan states, starting the engine.

“Okay?” Grayson furrows his eyebrows, lips parted.

“Yeah, okay. I believe you.” Ethan drew his lower lip between his lips, tapping his hands on the wheel.

Leaning forward, Grayson’s frown deepens, “Just like that?”

“Look, I don’t know Ethan from your universe, but I’m a believer in alternative universes and I do think you’re not exactly my brother. He’s just…different.” Glancing at Grayson, Ethan sighs, “You two are very different."

“Alright, so you want him back, right? You’re gonna help me?” Grayson’s excitement is palpable, enough for Ethan to roll his eyes.

“No, I’ll leave him in an alternative universe with millions at his disposal while I deal with you”, Ethan states, the sarcastic undertones unmistakable. Grayson can’t help but snort, smiling to himself. Even in an alternative universe, Ethan is a sarcastic conspiracy theorist. 

“Any idea where we could start, genius?” Ethan snaps his fingers, irritated with Grayson’s tendency to get lost in his thoughts. 

Grayson’s face blanks, “No clue.”

“How about that Ella you keep mentioning? She your girlfriend?” Ethan doesn’t need to ask twice as he glances at the shit eating grin on Grayson’s face upon the mere mention of her name. “You say you care about her. Are you sure you’re not in love?”

Grayson licks his lips, “I don’t know. How does anyone really know?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious when you fall in love. If you can’t answer that, you might have never truly loved anyone.” Ethan’s words hit home. 

While it sounds callous, it’s also true – did Grayson ever really loved any of the girls he was with? They all seemed like the right one at some point. He told them he loves them, but did he really? In the end, they were all forgotten in a week or two, but Ella? He refused to tell her he loves her even when he thought he did. The word had become cheap, she deserved better ones. 

Is that love? Wanting to find better words to express your feelings? Words that are more than what most throw around like ‘Hello’? Words worthy of the way the mere thought of them brings a smile upon one’s face or their voice makes one’s heart race? 

“Have you ever loved someone?” Grayson asks, curious of his brother’s life. Even if he’s not his Ethan, he is Ethan. 

“Once. It didn’t last, but I did love her.” 

Figuring Ethan isn’t quite ready to talk more on the subject, Grayson decides to drop it. He shouldn’t upset him just for his selfish gain. “I think this happened because I wished to know what would have happened if we never went to Los Angeles and took the scholarships at that private school we were interested in.” 

He wished for his old dreams to come true, and they did. But at what cost?

“You wished for this?!” Ethan raises his voice, letting a little of his frustration out.

“I didn’t know it would actually happen!” Grayson defends, pressing his lips together once he realizes raising his voice isn’t going to do him any favors. “I’m guessing we took those scholarships in this universe?

“Yeah. We got into college on football scholarships but we play lacrosse too.” Ethan tells him, “Wrestling didn’t pan out as we wanted.”

“I met Ella in LA, so that’s probably why she’s not here.” Grayson rubs his temples, closing his eyes shut.

“So? Look her up. If she’s not a dream, she’s gonna be on social media.” Ethan suggests. 

Gnawing on the inside of his cheek, Grayson nods. His eyebrows furrow as he opens up Instagram on his phone. Typing in her username comes up blank. Typing in her name comes out blank.

"Why can't I find her?!" Frustrated, he hits the dash and Ethan huffs, not happy with the way Grayson is treating the car. It may be a flaming pile of shit, but it gets them from point A to point B.

"You're saying you dreamed up a girl you think is real?" Ethan’s not convinced Ella exists. If anything, he’s still a little weirded out with the idea of Grayson not really being his Grayson. He’s trying to believe it all, to trust him on his word and to trust his instincts screaming at him, but it’s hard. It’s really hard.

"She is real!" Grayson exclaims, half panicked as he’s beginning to doubt himself as well. What if Ella found someone else? If he wasn’t there that day they met, who was? 

Glancing at a frustrated Grayson, Ethan feels pity. He may not be his Grayson, but he’s still his brother. In a way. "Google her then."

"If her Instagram account doesn't exist, why would anything exist then? Huh?" What Grayson truly worries about is, what if something happened to her? Maybe she did exist at some point but doesn’t anymore?

"Maybe because it’s Google? Google knows all. If she’s not on there, she was a dream bro." Ethan reasons, parking the car. He turns to Grayson, watching him. Grayson’s pensive, filled with a thousand emotions he cannot put into words and Ethan understands him. He does. 

"Wait...She only got Instagram to follow me! She admitted that!" Grayson exclaims, a little too excited while Ethan remains unimpressed.

"Bro, I love you, but you sound douchier than usual." And that says a lot since he’s been dealing with his douche of a brother. His Grayson is the definition of a douchebag. 

"No, no, she really told me that. So...she wouldn't be in LA either because she said we inspired her to move to follow her dream which would mean she’s back home!" 

Raising his eyebrows, Ethan’s eyes widened, "We inspired her?"

"Yeah, she said if two snotty teenagers could move to LA and make it just by filming videos of themselves she could surely get her book deal." Grayson says it with a smile, feeling nostalgic.

Ethan snorts, "She sounds supportive."

"She really is though." And with that, Ethan notes how Grayson’s voice is warmer when he speaks of Ella. That’s definitely not his brother. His Grayson doesn’t soften up when he speaks about girls unless it’s about Gizmo, their pet bird.

"She’d never tell anyone about the book, but I know she’s been writing it since she was 16 and she actually sold it!" Grayson is also proud of her, boasting about it as if it’s his own success. Ethan can’t help but smile.

"So look for her with that info, you do know where she is from, right?"

"Michigan." The word barely passes his lips as Ethan punches his shoulder, "Owh, what the hell E?!"

"We are in fucking Michigan!" Throwing his arms in the air, Ethan shakes his head. The pent up craziness of the day is starting to drive him up the wall and he can’t even be sure what’s real and what’s not anymore. ”We’re literally Michigan Wolverines!”

"Seriously?! She might be in the same school then!" Clapping his hands, Grayson opens the car door. He jumps out, wildly looking around the parking lot, hoping he’d see her black hair swaying with the wind.

"You're giving me a headache, I hope she's nicer than you." Ethan mumbles, leaning his forearms on the roof of the car, his car door still open.

"You two have been iffy a bit, but you loved her E.”, Grayson turns to him, grinning, “You said it yourself, you love her like a sister but if she touches your vegan rolls again you'd burn the house to the ground."

Lips parting, Ethan’s nose crinkles, "Vegan? She can have them all, why would I fight her on that?!"

Drawing a deep breath, Grayson pinched the bridge of his nose, "Please don't tell me we aren't vegan."

"We are jocks, Grayson, chicken is our religion." Ethan reminds him as he closes the car door, locking it. Walking around the car, he chuckles at Grayson who grumbles about it.

"Just great."

Running a hand through his hair, Ethan averts his eyes to the ground. The pavement is still wet, a reminder of the stormy night from before. "Do I have anyone in your world?"

Grayson smirks, "An Australian model."

"WHAT?!" Ethan steps in front of Grayson, stopping him. 

"Yeah, my reaction too when she decided to date you." Grayson chuckles, amused with the shocked, slightly jealous expression on Ethan’s face.

"Bro, I want an Australian model!"

Laughing wholeheartedly at the whining, Grayson shrugs, "You have her. Well, the other you does."

Throwing his hands up in the air, for the second time in the past ten minutes, Ethan walks ahead, “Fuck this shit.”

Smiling fondly at his brother’s back, Grayson sighs, “At least I know you’re extra here too.”

“What?!” Ethan glances at him over his shoulder and Grayson shakes his head, “NOTHING!”

--

As days passed, Grayson realized one thing: time has its own flow and in that its own beauty, for no man can command it to halt, it can only pass with unique divinity. It’s only been a few nights since he woke up in this strange universe and while days were easy to survive as he spent them on the field and Monday brought classes, nights were much less forgiving.

He misses her – his Ella. 

Time, just as love, is unchangeable – it is there at the end as it was at the start and Grayson doesn’t know how to accept that he might never see Ella again.

He finds himself scribbling her name instead of class notes on his first day of college, attempting to draw her – but the shade of brown in her eyes is never quite right. No matter how hard he tries, nothing he draws will ever come close to the warmth and understanding her eyes and smile held. No one can ever replace the comforting relief that would wash over him whenever she would squeeze his hand or run her fingers through his hair. 

Simply, no one can compare to Ella. No one, possibly not even the alternative universe her…if she exists.

Sighing, Grayson leans back on the tree he sat under. He closes the textbook with her name written a dozen times to give himself reprieve. Being there without her is torment, a special kind of hell Grayson never dreamed he’d be stuck in. 

Ethan has helped him adjust as much as possible, but it seems as if he can never truly fit into this life.

This Grayson is a douchebag, whoring his way through campus with a bottle of tequila in hand and no one bats an eye as long as he scores the winning touchdown. His grades are an average C, but it took him less than a single day to find out it’s because the professors are giving him special treatment. He’s not exactly a model student and plenty of his classmates were surprised he even attended lectures today.

Closing his eyes, he tries to ignore the words in his head reminding him this is karma. He has done enough to get himself rejected from his own timeline and universe. 

Truth be told, he’s ashamed. He wasn’t much better before meeting Ella, either. He’d whore his way through Los Angeles, the difference being non-disclosure agreements he had the girls sign. He might have been sober, but he was drunk on adrenaline of fame that he had given into different obsessions. He became paranoid, mistrustful, hateful and treated his friends as if they owed him something for being a part of his life.

When Ella came around, he changed. It took a while, but Grayson thought he was finally worthy of her. 

Now? Grayson finally understands what she meant when she told him she might not like him as a jock. He didn’t like himself as a jock.

“Hey, six-pack?!”

Grayson’s eyes open wide, his breath caught in his throat as he recognizes that voice. Only one person he knows has that kind of a voice – a raspy voice that is the base of all his happy memories. 

And there she is, Ella – his Ella. Her long black hair is shorter in this universe, falling to her shoulders in waves. Her eyes are just as beautiful as he remembers them to be, like melted honey on a warm sunny day. Her lips are curled into a small smile, gentle yet cautious. 

“Ella?” He breathes out, his hands beginning to shake and she can tell. 

Ella raises an eyebrow, confused as to why would the cockiest man she ever met feel so nervous to see her. He seems to be shocked, maybe even relieved – a contradictory Grayson never was. Not to her knowledge. She always saw him as a one dimensional being – an asshole without a cause. 

“Wanted to bring this back to you”, she reaches into her backpack – a flower themed green backpack she had when they first met. 

Back then, she was but a stranger with a very pissed off look on her face when he slammed into her on the beach as he attempted to catch a ball Ethan sent flying way above his head. He remembers her yelling at him as if it were yesterday, but he also remembers her laughing when he asked for her number when she was done with yelling, breathless. He bought her an ice cream and apologized and ever since then, Grayson never looked at another.

Ella tosses a jersey in his face and Grayson quickly stands up, holding the jersey in his hands. 

“Wait, how do you have this?” He looks at the number – 33 – his number.

Raising both eyebrows, Ella’s eyes widened for a split second, “Wow, you were really drunk off your ass that night, weren’t you?” Leaning in, she steps on her tiptoes as Grayson holds his breath, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that Grayson Dolan actually did something decent for a change.”

She turns on her heel, taking a few steps further before Grayson’s senses return to him. “Ella, wait!”

“And he remembers my name? I’m impressed!” She giggles, not even turning around as she heard his heavy footsteps just behind her. “Though I don’t remember telling you my name.” That’s when she stops, hands on her hips as she looks at Grayson who looks like he’s lost. “How do you know my name?”

“How do you have my jersey? I asked first”, Grayson reminds her with a lopsided grin and she purses her lips to stop a smile from spreading. While Ella might not be Grayson’s biggest fan, she’s not blind – he’s extremely good looking.

“The other night at the party mean anything to you?” She raises an eyebrow, waiting for Grayson to respond but he just shrugs, a red tint slowly coloring her cheeks. It’s not something he’s used to as Ella was always tan from the LA sun, but she’s much paler than usual.

“Some asshole pushed me in the pool and my shirt got wet and it was very see through. I panicked and ran and stumbled upon you and for some reason you weren’t an asshole about it and lent me the jersey without even trying to stare at my boobs.” Licking her lips, Ella narrows her eyes at Grayson, “Which was very weird, are you alright? Nobody's body snatched you?”

Chuckling, Grayson shakes his head, eyes fixed on Ella. He can’t look away, not even if he tried. “I’m trying to be better.”

“You? Better?” Biting her lower lip, Ella steps closer, “I really wanna believe that”, her raspy voice is like stardust to Grayson. 

He loves hearing her talk, words are her finishing touch to the emotions she usually suppresses but only ever shared with him. It took forever for her to open up to him, but even then it wasn’t as often. So yes, Grayson wished he could tell her how much he would like to listen to her talk. It doesn’t matter what’s it about – something, nothing, he just wants her to talk to him.

Taking her hand, Grayson hears her gasp. He places her palm on his chest, right above his heart. “Please do. I need you to believe in me.” His lips are parted, his eyes clinging to her like a dying man clings to his last breath and she’s looking back at him, her hand is touching him and she’s not fighting the touch.

Until she breaks out in laughter, “That’s a good line! Do you use that on all your little flings?” 

Stepping away from him, she bites her lower lip, almost disappointed. “Don’t spend your best lines on me, Quarterback, I’m not easily swayed and my heart is taken by someone else.”

Sobering words splash into Grayson’s senses as if they were icy water. “Someone else?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna leave you before someone spreads unflattering rumors about us.” Turning away, Ella takes three more steps before glancing at Grayson over her shoulder. She doesn’t know why she did it, but something inside her told her to look back, to stay – even if it’s for a moment. 

“Thank you for the jersey, Grayson. I’ll remember that.”

And as Grayson stood there, watching Ella leave, he reminded himself that everything he wants is on the other side of determination and consistency. He would show her he’s redeemable and he would win her over. It doesn’t matter what universe he’s in, there is never a time he won’t want her – her light, her kindness, her approval. 

Even if everything's made to be broken, Grayson needs her to believe in him. He needs her to know who he is. 

--

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m with you”, Ella huffs. Arms crossed she rolls her eyes at Grayson before laughing, “Your decoration skills need serious improvement!”

“Ah, you got me worried for a moment”, Grayson reaches out for her. Grabbing her by the arm, he pulls her into his lap.

Chuckling, she wraps her arms around his neck, “Why?”

Licking his lips, Grayson looks down, “Because I wonder why you’re with me.”

“For the same reason you’re with me”, she explains and he furrows his eyebrows as his lips form a tight line. The reason he’s with her is because his soul never felt more at home than when she would wrap her arms around him.

“Boobies?” Grayson teases, earning himself an eye roll.

Cupping his left boob, Ella exclaims, “Yes! Yours are almost as big as mine!”

“Idiot!” Grayson grumbles under his breath. Looking back at it, he knew it was a perfect chance to tell her what she means to him and how grateful he is for her presence but he didn’t. He made it into a joke to hide just how much he needs her and she didn’t deserve that. She deserved a man who could speak his mind and share his emotions, not a coward he turned out to be.

“Awee, you’re not an idiot”, Ethan mocks, “Especially not if you help a brother out.”

“I’m not telling you her name, Ethan.” Grayson turns to his other side, determined to salvage what’s left of the night. He couldn’t sleep, not after knowing his Ella hates him. But is she his? How can she be his when she loves someone else? How can she be his when this Ella hadn’t ever been in his arms? Even if she was, she would be the other Grayson’s Ella. Manwhore Grayson’s Ella. Frat boy, jock’s Ella.

It leaves him with a bad taste in his mouth. The idea of her with someone else, even another version of himself isn’t easy to stomach.

“But she’s my girlfriend!” Ethan exclaims, throwing a sock at Grayson’s head. A smelly sock.

Covering his nose, Grayson tosses the sock back, “Not in this world she isn’t.”

Flipping Grayson off, Ethan groans. “She could be, ya know? She could be my girlfriend!”

Rolling his eyes, Grayson turns to his back, “Chasing someone else’s love story isn’t exactly something I’d recommend to you.”

“Wouldn’t the other me want to be with his girl in every universe?” Ethan challenges and Grayson raises his eyebrows, “You’re trying to find your girl in this universe, why don’t I get the same courtesy?”

Pressing his lips in a hard line, sadness clouded Grayson’s features, “Kristina Alice.”

Gasping, Ethan’s phone lights up as he searches her name only to sit up once he sees her photo, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, SHE’S MINE?!”

“YuPP”, Grayson closes his eyes, “Good luck getting her to accept your request.”

“Thanks”, Ethan smiles as he hits the follow button on her Instagram page, desperately hoping she would soon accept his request and he could send her a message. Maybe he has a shot after all.

“Just shut up and let me sleep.” Grayson covers his head with a pillow, turning to the other side where it’s colder.

“What if”, Ethan begins as Grayson groans loudly. Those two words are the last ones he wants to hear. Ever.

“I need to sleep!”

“Sure, but hear me out”, Ethan springs from his bed and sits on Grayson’s, “What if you being here means my brother, real brother, is also in a different universe?”

Uncovering his face, Grayson’s eyes widen as he sits up with a thundering heart, “Like in my universe?”

“Dunno, but I don’t think he would just disappear. The whole laws of physics wouldn’t allow for that to happen. If energies cannot be created or destroyed, perhaps souls can’t either. Maybe he’s in your body or in another universe and that universes’ Grayson is in your body? Maybe all the Grayson’s have switched places?”

Hand on his heart, Grayson could feel the cold sweat forming at the back of his neck, “I’m gonna be sick.”

“You think it’s possible?” Ethan raises his right eyebrow, genuinely curious.

“If it is, some other guy is with my Ella right now and he could be fucking up my life as we speak.”

“Well, depending on the definition of ‘your life’, he could be fucking your life right now.” Ethan’s insinuation didn’t help Grayson fall asleep that night.

If it’s true, another version of him might be holding Ella tightly against him as she unravels under him. Another Grayson, possibly even the manwhore Grayson he’s occupying could be both abusing the privilege of being intimate with Ella and breaking her heart by being intimate with other women in front of her.

Laying awake, staring at the ceiling, Grayson met dawn as an old friend. Dawn signified a new start, a day full of activities that would busy his mind with anything but some look alike hurting the lov…His Ella. Besides, he was looking forward to the day as he planned on seeing this Ella as well. He can’t deny the pull, the gravitational change he feels when he’s close to her. She may not be his Ella in every sense of the word, but she is Ella and she is the light in this darkness.

Morning practice went by fast, allowing him to exercise some of his demons, but it isn’t enough. In the back of his mind is an image, one that is enough to enrage him – an image of his lookalike in bed with his unsuspecting Ella.

Inhaling, he closes his eyes as he settles under the same tree he sat at yesterday. Holding his breath, he waits for the burning sensation of his lungs as they scream for oxygen. Reluctant, he releases the pent up air in a slow exhale.

“Since when is this your hangout place?”

Eyes snapping open, Grayson’s lips part with the familiar raspiness in the voice. “Ella?”

“Still my name”, she smiles before sitting in front of him, book in her hand.

“Sorry”, he breathes out, attempting to smile but he didn’t know if he should smirk or grin and ended up grimacing more than smiling.

“Don’t be. It’s not like the tree has my name on it”, she shrugs as she opens up her book and he frowns, confused.

“What do you mean?”

Pointing to the tree, “It’s my spot. Has been since freshman year and suddenly you’re here.”

Making an ‘O’ shaped face, Grayson’s heart skips a beat. He didn’t even know why he sat under this particular tree, but it was calming him. It felt cozy, safe, a place to gather his thoughts. Upon further evaluation, this tree wasn’t entirely different from other trees, but he chose the same one two days in a row and he had a sneaky suspicion Ella is the reason why he was drawn to it.

If there is no magic in the world, how is he in this universe? If there is no magic in the world, how did he meet her again? If there is no magic in the world, why would he sit under this tree?

Smiling, Grayson realizes – magic exists. Maybe it’s not in the obvious witchy way, but it’s real. Ella made him see that.

“I’m sorry if I was ever a jerk to you.” Gnawing at the inside of his bottom lip, Grayson noticed her surprise when he spoke up, more so with what he said.

“Save your apologies, Quarterback. You weren’t a jerk to me.” Forcing a small smile, she clarifies, “You weren’t anything to me.” Tucking her hair behind her ear, she feels her heartbeat quicken as his eyes remain on her. She could see the genuine emotions swirling in his hazel eyes and it caught her off guard. It’s as if he actually means it.

“Look, you’ve been pretty shitty to a lot of people and you’re worshipped regardless. But if you want to be better, you have to take baby steps. It’s never easy to change once you’ve left people with a certain idea of who you are.” Licking her lips, she sinks her front teeth into her bottom lip. 

Averting her gaze to the book in hand, she tries to hide how his unrelenting gaze is making her nervous. It’s an effort to stop herself from tapping her fingers on the book or to stop herself from running away to take a proper breath she can’t seem to take ever since she decided to sit there. Somehow, Grayson causes a panic in her, not one associated by fear. It’s more about the implications of his longing stares and uncharacteristically kind words.

“Can I start with you?” Grayson leans closer, minding the way she blinks faster as he does as if his proximity is making it harder for her to ignore the need to stay close.

“Why me? What’s so important about me?” Her question catches him off guard and it reminds him of his Ella and the insecurities she always tried to hide. Maybe they’re not so different after all.

“Because I think highly of you.”

Scoffing, she looks away but Grayson can’t ignore the blush spreading across her cheeks. “You don’t even know me.”

“I’m an observant person. I know more than you think and I’m not asking for you to be my friend but maybe a tutor? You could help my grades and my stupid mouth when it goes off?”

Narrowing her eyes at him, Ella’s confusion is stronger than before. No matter what she heard of Grayson, he didn’t seem as bad as people made him seem. He’s trouble, she’s sure of that, but he’s also lost. A part of her wants to help him find what he’s looking for, to help him…fix him, but if she does, she knows she might find herself in dangerous territory. 

Grayson Dolan seems like a guy one would easily fall for, but he also seems like the guy who’d break her heart. Can he even break a heart that’s not his to begin with?

“Tutoring sounds fine.” She speaks, finally breaking the silence and Grayson’s lips stretch into a wide smile on instinct.  “But only tutoring and it’s not for free. I expect you to do something for me too.”

“Anything!”

Drawing a deep breath, she wonders if this is wise. It could backfire in the worst possible way, but she can’t help herself. She has a unique chance to do something she always wanted, “I need you to be my fake boyfriend for a month.”

Inhaling sharply, Grayson exhales, “Huh?”

Rolling her eyes, she leans closer, “I want to make a guy jealous and who better to do that than the Quarterback.”

Grayson’s heart sinks with her words but he finds himself nodding. It might be the worst thing to agree to but it would put him in her orbit and it would give her a chance to see who he truly is. She might fall for him in the end.

“Alright. Let’s do this.”

--

“So you’re just gonna fake date your girlfriend?” Ethan cocks an eyebrow, a little confused and uncertain of the benefits this deal could possibly bring his brother.

Shrugging, Grayson runs his fingers through his hair, attempting to put in the effort to make himself look somewhat presentable. “Yeah. It’s not much, but I’m willing to go through with worse if it means I get to hold her hand at the end of the day.”

“What if her plan works and she actually gets with the person you’re supposed to make jealous?” Raising both eyebrows, Ethan flicks Grayson’s ear, “You’ll be worse off than before.”

“It won’t happen!” Grayson exclaims, trying to not murder Ethan. “Fake dating trope always ends with the two realizing their feelings and marrying each other.” 

Smiling at his reflection in the mirror, he nods to himself. It’s the first time in a long time he gave much thought about what he should wear or what his hair looks like but it’s for a good reason. He has to impress Ella. 

“We’re soulmates, E. I know it.”

Huffing, Ethan rolls his eyes, “Chances of that being an actual thing is slim, but let's face the facts. Even if you’re soulmates, you two aren’t necessarily meant to be in every single universe. No one can have their happy ending in every universe. Maybe consider this universe is the one where you don’t get the girl.”

Hands on his hips, Grayson turns to Ethan with a stiff upper lip, “Is this really about me and Ella or about the fact Kristina didn’t accept your follow request?”

Rubbing his forehead, Ethan groans, “Maybe, but it’s a possibility?! I don’t want you to end up with a broken heart if this doesn’t work out. Just…Don’t forget this isn’t your life, okay? What happens when real Grayson comes back and he’s suddenly in a relationship? He’d break Ella’s heart.”

“What if he never returns and I’m stuck here forever? I can’t and will not give up on Ella. Manwhore Grayson needs to man up and I’m preparing the turf in case he returns to this life.”

“Manwhore Grayson?!” Ethan chuckles, “That’s actually who he is. Cameron calls him that!” Wheezing, Ethan throws himself on the bed, hugging a pillow.

Grayson watches, stifling a laugh, “Bro, I wanna smack him so bad!!”

“Get in line! At least half the female population wanna smack his face and the other wants to smack his ass!”

Pursing his lips, Grayson exhales through his nose, or he tries to. It’s been hell living in a body with sinus issues again and he envied whoever is in his body for the ability to breathe freely and without suffering after he had suffered all the pain of two surgeries and multiple rounds of antibiotics.

“Well, I’ll be going then. Don’t wanna keep my girl waiting.” With a lopsided grin, Grayson heads to the door when Ethan speaks up.

“Do you think this would classify as cheating? I mean, she’s Ella but she’s not really your Ella, right?”

Licking his lips, Grayson’s heart sinks. Ethan is right, this Ella might look like his Ella, have her soul, but her personality might be different. So far, Grayson noticed three differences: her ears are pierced though his Ella was terrified of the very idea of having them pierced, she doesn’t seem to wear the red lipstick he loved to smudge and she had black nail polish but his Ella prefers pastels.

Shaking his head, he remembers how it felt to imagine her with manwhore Grayson. It doesn’t feel right and his Ella would probably hate him for this, but something inside him is insisting he must see it through. “I’ll see you later.”

--

Holding his breath and waiting for inevitable doom. This is what Grayson feels like. It’s as if this entire universe is made to torture him. Sure, he wasn’t the best person alive in his universe, but he wasn’t evil either. A part of him couldn't shake the karma aspect of this switch – what did he do that was so bad to warrant a karmic intervention?

“Hey!” Ella’s usual raspy voice is a little higher, pitchy, enough to make Grayson smile. She’s nervous and he’s glad he’s the one that made her nervous. It means she cares, however small it may be.

“You look”, pausing, Grayson raises his eyebrows as his eyes trail down her body, “Incredible!” He lets out a breathless chuckle, watching her cheeks darken. She’s definitely nervous.

“So, uh, what do you need help with”, Ella licks her lips, tucking her hair behind her ear as her eyes fix on his hand. “Are those….flowers?” Raising an eyebrow, she stifles a smile as Grayson fidgets, scratching the back of his neck.

“Yeah…I wanted to do something nice.” Holding the flowers out, he watches her lips twitch as her attempt to keep a smile at bay slowly fails.

The corners of his lips turned up in a slight smile as his eyes dropped to the floor, a strangely demure gesture for him, Ella realized. As he looked back at her, moving his hair back with his hand, Ella was momentarily swayed by the dark brown eyes that sparkled up through long, dark lashes that she never noticed before. Perhaps she allowed herself to send a few glances his way in the past, trying to understand why so many girls ventured into his web, and she never quite understood until now.

The way he looks at her as if she’s the source of sunshine in his life, the way he smiles as if her presence sparks joy in his heart and the way he had held her hand over his beating heart had disarmed her and she hated herself for it. 

She fell for his charms and silver tongue as many have before and she likes him. She does. It’s impossible not to like a man as magnificent as Grayson – no matter how messed up he is. 

There will always be a girl willing to stay way too long in hopes of fixing him. He’s a death trap for every woman who looks into his eyes.

“Lilies?” Careful, she reaches for the flowers. Her fingers curl right above his, avoiding touch and the electrifying feelings it could bring to the surface. Ella preferred not to know.

“Your favorite”, Grayson blurts out, his mouth faster than his brain and his eyes widen as Ella’s eyes narrow at him.

“How would you know?”

Hands trembling, Grayson shrugs, “A lucky guess. You’re not a rose kind of a girl because you think roses are cliché.”

Eyebrows furrowing, Ella’s frown deepens, “That sounds more like an educated guess.”

“Am I wrong?” Grayson cocks an eyebrow, his confidence growing as she purses her lips, eyeing him as if she’s reconsidering her previous judgment of him.

“I hate the thorns too”, she states matter of factly, turning her back on him. Glancing over her shoulder, she raises an eyebrow, “Coming? Or am I supposed to take your exams for you, Quarterback?”

With a lopsided grin, Grayson follows after, relishing in her sassy attitude. She must know how it affects him, draws him in. If anyone could tell him to get over his shit and act like a normal human being, it was Ella. Of course, his Ella took a while to open up in a way where she didn’t mind her tongue. His Ella is shy until one gets under her skin, a little more insecure. This Ella is a firecracker from the start, brazen.

For a moment, he feels guilty for liking that about her. He feels guilty for liking this Ella, but it’s still his Ella, is it not? She’s just got a different life experience. 

--

For the first time in his life, Grayson couldn’t stop staring. He was good at hiding his feelings, pushing down anything uncomfortable until he could ignore it, but he couldn’t do it. Not anymore. He sought her out even when she wasn’t close, he yearned for her shy smiles and annoyed eye rolls. He missed each time she’d glance his way and swiftly look away or the way she’d use her hands when she talks about something she’s passionate about. He wanted to see her hands when she’s talking about him, to be passionate about him – with him.

For the first time in his life, Grayson found himself chasing after a girl. She’s out of his league, he’s aware of it. She’s wife material and he isn’t sure he could settle down any time soon, but waiting too long might mean she’ll find someone who is ready for all the things he’d like to have with her. Because no matter how scary it seems to commit when he’s unsure if he’s able to love someone, losing the opportunity to find out seems scarier.

For the first time in his life he wanted to reach out and ask her to hold his hand, to look at him the same way she looks at puppies because he only ever saw her look at them with love. He wants to hear her laugh at his jokes and he wants her to call him out on the shit he does and hold him accountable. He wants her to make an effort because she thinks he deserves to be saved, that he can be fixed. Maybe he should fix himself before asking her to love him, but she makes it better. With her, he finds all he thought he lost before – the will to try and do better.

“Are you okay?” Her voice catches him off guard, her eyes gentle, softer than he thought they could be. 

“You seem a million miles away”, she brushes over the part where he stared at her and he’s grateful. She could have called him a creep and walked away, but she didn’t. Instead, Ella reaches out, her hand resting atop of his and Grayson releases a heavy sigh, as if the weight of the world didn’t press on his chest anymore. It’s as if a single touch of her hand had made him whole.

“I feel better now.” Grayson musters a smile, “You make everything better.”

For the second time in his life, Grayson finds himself staring. Blinking seems so unnatural when his eyes are focused on such beauty as if a single moment lost would prove to be deadly. Not looking at her would make him crumble, blurt out the truth of who he is and how scared he is and how badly he needs her to hold him and say things will be alright. But she doesn’t.

For the second time in his life, Grayson found himself wishing for a girl to hold his hand, to tell him he’s worth saving. He wants her to smile and blush like she did when she brought his jersey back to him. He wants her to roll her pretty brown eyes and chuckle at him, but she doesn’t.

For the second time in his life, Grayson is wondering if he’s able to commit to anyone. Is he any better than the manwhore version of him from this alternative universe? 

He’s sitting next to a woman and he craves her attention and approval as if he doesn’t have a woman who offers all that and more. 

Does it really give him any reprieve if they’re the same soul cultivated in different universes? 

Perhaps she’d think it’s cute she captured his attention even in a different setting? Would Ella feel hurt or betrayed if he admitted he likes this version of her, as well?

“Are you okay?” Ella’s raspy voice catches him off guard, not just the sound, but the choice of wording. It’s the orotund tone she uses too; a little uncomfortable, lacking the softness his Ella would use with him. “You’re kinda staring and zoning out and I’m trying to explain this in the easiest way possible.”

Licking his lips, he nods, more to himself than her as he realizes this Ella and his Ella are definitely not the same person. Perhaps they look alike, but his Ella was kinder in a sense. Maybe kinder isn’t the proper word, but empathic?

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just have a slight headache.” Pushing his hair back, he clears his throat, “So, uh, there’s a game this Friday.”

“Oh”, her eyebrows raised, Ella tilts her head slightly to the left, waiting for him to explain.

“Well, we’re dating, fake dating and girlfriends usually wear their boyfriend’s jersey’s on the day of the game”, swallowing thickly, Grayson draws in a quick breath. “Would you maybe wear mine?”

Furrowing her eyebrows for a moment, Ella’s face relaxed again as her eyes fell to Grayson’s shaky left hand. Reaching out, she takes his hand in hers. Her grip is firm, certain, no doubts as she gives it a squeeze. 

“Yeah. It’s not like it’s my first time.” Letting out a breathless chuckle, she shrugs, “And we did agree. So, I’ll wear your jersey and you pass this exam tomorrow.”

“Deal.” Grayson smiles as she purses her lips, but his smile quickly falls as she lets go of his hand and turns to the notes. She held his hand, but it’s not nearly as long as he wished for her hand to linger.

“Oh, wow, it’s true.” Someone speaks from behind them and Grayson frowns, turning back only to see a blonde, tall guy with a smirk plastered on his face.

“Danny!” Ella exclaims, jumping to her feet and straight into this guy’s arms.

Grayson’s eyes narrow as he looks how low his hands rest on Ella’s back, more so as the guy’s green eyes pierce him. He’s sizing him up just as much as Grayson’s doing to him. So, Grayson stands – letting him have something to size up. They may be the same height, but Grayson’s muscular, much more than him.

“So you’re really dating the Quarterback? I thought it was a joke.” Danny chuckles, his arm around Ella as she shifts uncomfortably at his words.

“Why?” Grayson raises an eyebrow, “She’s a beautiful, witty, intelligent woman. Any man would be lucky to have her.”

Smiling, Ella looks to Danny who nods, “Yes, I wasn’t demeaning her by asking. I’m saying I’m shocked she’d stoop as low to date you.”

Escaping his embrace, Ella steps away, “What the fuck, Daniel?”

Rolling his eyes, Daniel clicks his tongue, “Oh, come on! He’s whored his way through campus, you’re probably the last one he didn’t bag. He’ll use you and cast you aside, Ells. Men like him can’t commit.”

Chuckling from frustration more than finding anything amusing, Grayson steps closer to Ella, wrapping his arm around her waist. “Sounds like you know the type, Derrick.”

“It’s Daniel”, he corrects Grayson, visibly annoyed.

“Sure it is, Dario.”

Nostrils flaring, eyes narrowing, Daniel clenches his fists. “You can’t seriously think Ella is stupid to fall for your tricks.”

“Ella is right here and she’s perfectly capable of making her own decisions”, Grayson remarks, stepping in front of her, “Imply she’s stupid again and I’ll knock you on your ass so fast you won’t know what hit you.”

“Gray”, that’s when he feels it – her arms wrapping around him, her hand over his heart. “Please calm down, please.” Her head rests on his back, her hold on him tightening.

Softening at the sound of her frightened voice, Grayson steps back. “You’re lucky I value her good opinion more than your jealous remarks, Dicky.”

“It’s Daniel!” Raising his voice, Daniel shakes his head. “Ella, come on. Let’s go watch that movie before I lose my temper.”

Lips parting, Grayson glances at Ella who is blinking fast, biting on her bottom lip anxiously. “I think I’m gonna stay.”

“Seriously?” Daniel frowns, his green eyes fixed on her.

“I think I need some time away from you to reevaluate our friendship.” Ella states, her voice shaky and Grayson feels her body begin to shake as well.

“What?” Pointing at Grayson, Daniel speaks, “This is his doing! He’s manipulating you!”

Shaking her head, Ella seems to be lost. After years of liking this guy, she’s only now wondering why. “No, he’s not. You’re the asshole here. Your behavior toward my boyfriend is telling me I need to step back and create some distance because if you’re incapable of trusting I can make my own choices, I can’t trust you either.”

“He’ll break your heart.” Daniel states and Ella lets out a breathless chuckle.

“Maybe. But it’s my heart to break.”

And that’s when Grayson felt his heart break a little too. When he looks at her, he sees her heart is already cracked from this altercation. Daniel had been the culprit, but he feels responsible.

Walking away, Daniel doesn’t spare the pair a second glance. Ella’s quiet, holding onto Grayson. He can see she’s struggling to hold her tears at bay, but she’s successful. “We should review this part once again.”

“You don’t have to be brave with me.” Grayson tries but she waves him off.

“I’m fine.”

She’s not, but she can’t talk about it. Breaking down in tears isn’t exactly what she wants around Grayson. She’s hurt, confused and angry, but none of those emotions will help her. She wanted to make Daniel jealous a little, make him see what he could have if he stopped friendzoning her, but she didn’t expect him to disrespect her or say hurtful things about Grayson, as true as they may be.

“I’m fine”, she repeats before letting out a shuddered breath. “So, how did you get this result?”

Knowing better than to push her further, Grayson swallows thickly and plays along, taking this time with her as a chance to help her clear her head. His Ella always worked herself to the bone when she didn’t want to think about something, maybe this Ella needed the same. If she’s anything like his Ella, she’ll open up when she’s ready and for now, Grayson has nothing but time.

--

“Hey”, Grayson comes up behind Ella, making her gasp.

Slapping a hand over her mouth to hold in a shrill scream, she turns around only to whack Grayson with her free hand. “Jerk!”

Raising his hands in mock surrender, Grayson’s mouth curved into a smile. “I wanted to hug my girl, not my fault she’s a scaredy cat!”

Rolling her eyes, she takes a step closer so he couldn’t miss her glare, “I prefer not to have Quarterbacks giving me heart attacks. A warning would have been nice!” Her voice is tremulous, her hands still shaky.

“I was gonna offer to walk you to your dorm”, Grayson’s smile falls as he realizes he truly did scare her which wasn’t his intention at all. He didn’t see her that day more than a few times in passing, so he got excited for a moment of her time finally seemed to be open for him to claim as his.

“Just don’t sneak up on me when the sun is going down, okay?” Ella crosses her arms over her chest as she looks left to right before her eyes set on Grayson who pales, realizing his mistake.

“Oh, shit”, he pinches the bridge of his nose, frustrated with himself. Who the fuck goes up to a girl in an empty street at dusk? Idiots like him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”

Cracking a smile, she nods, “Yeah”, exhaling loudly, she points ahead, “I live about ten minutes that way.”

“You’re letting me walk with you?” Grayson’s eyes widen, a little too excited and Ella could tell. 

“It’s getting dark and you’re kinda big and scary looking to potential killers.” Ella shrugs, “I don’t mind a bodyguard right now.”

The corners of his mouth turned up, licking his lips quickly before taking her hand in his. He noticed her tense up, but she didn’t fight his touch. Her hand felt sweaty, but he held on tightly as if it were his safety rope and letting go would mark him for death.

“Do you believe people can really change?” Grayson wonders out loud, hoping Ella would show some signs of changing her opinion on him. She let him hold her hand, isn’t that progress?

“I believe some people are beyond help.” Ella sighs, glancing up at Grayson whose face fell with her words, “But I don’t think you are. If anything, you feel like someone I’ve known my entire life and I know it’s insane but I feel like I trust you more than I should.”

His heart fluttered with her confession, acutely aware it means he has more of a chance than he originally thought.

“I feel the same way”, Grayson admits, “You’re like coming up for fresh air, like spring after a long winter.”

Beaming, she fanned herself with her free hand, “I - that was - uh, that was really poetic”, Ella stumbled over her words, unable to form a coherent sentence and she never realized how much Grayson affected her. She may have been attracted to him before, but she couldn’t pretend she didn’t like him now that she got a chance to see what’s behind his popularity façade. 

“You make me feel poetic”, Grayson’s husky tone made her simper, looking away as heat rushed to her face.

“Wow, okay! A silver tongue charmer.” Ella stops, stepping in front of Grayson with a coy smile dancing along her lips. “We’re here.”

Pressing his lips together, Grayson looked at the walls of the building with slight frustration. He wished they had more time to talk, it finally felt like he made progress.

“If I say I wish we could spend more time together, would you hold it against me?” Ella raises her eyebrows expectantly, her defenses lowered.

“I could come in”, Grayson gave her a half smile, one she could bask in all night long if she would just ignore the little voice in her head reminding her how dangerous Grayson Dolan is to her heart.

“It would be a bad idea.” She lets go of his hand, licking her lips. “Maybe another time.”

Nodding, Grayson sniffled, his allergies making his nose runny. “I swear I’m not crying, I have allergies!”

Giggling, Ella smirks, “Sure. And here I thought you were having a hard time parting with me.”

His smile fading, Grayson’s face loses the usual lightheartedness, “I always have a hard time parting with you.”

Knitting her eyebrows, Ella’s lips part, “You’ve just met me five days ago.”

Shrugging, Grayson steps back, “Feels like a lifetime.” Nodding over to the front door of her dorm, he manages a small smile, “Go in, I’ll wait till you’re inside.”

Licking her lips, she exhales loudly. She takes a few steps away, her back turned on Grayson. Stopping, she glances over her shoulder at him - standing there with the sun setting behind him, a picture perfect man with his hands in his front pockets and she felt breathless as she took him in. Shaking her head, she rushed toward him. With her hands on his shoulders, she stood on her tiptoes until her lips pecked his cheek - fleetingly, feather light kind of a kiss that nearly stopped Grayson’s heart.

“I’ll see you soon”, she told him before she ran to the door. She stopped as her hand gripped the metal handle, looking back at him with a grin and Grayson knew he was in trouble - he liked this Ella, a little too much.

--

Grayson rarely felt as confident as he did when he was on the field. The screaming crowd always gave him enough of an ego boost to run on for a couple of weeks after. It’s been a long time since he was on the field, much too long not to be anxious about it, especially when he knew his teammates weren’t exactly friendly with him at the moment. Apparently if you sleep around with their girlfriends behind their backs, they might end up resenting you for it. Yet another thing he could thank manwhore Grayson for.

The game isn’t the only thing making him nervous. Ella wearing his jersey meant they would officially claim their fake dating trope and knowing she might not be entirely into the idea had left him wondering if he’s forcing it on her.

A part of him wanted to hold her hand and ignore the sinking feeling and insecurities, but another part of him lived to see her smile. Her smile had made all the difference in the world. Instead of responding to the constant wave of girls trying to flirt their way to his pants, he only cared for one smile, one pair of eyes, just one girl who could make him swoon.

“How do we do this?” Ella frowns, looking at the door. She’s nervous, he can tell. All the classic signs of his Ella are there – biting her lip, crossing her arms at her chest only to tap her fingers on her forearms, blinking fast. She needed reassurance, Grayson simply wished to provide her with it when he placed his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in.

“Oh”, she exclaims, caught off guard. “Didn’t realize we’d go for the half embrace, jersey on the special game kind of a walk, but sure.” With a tight lipped smile, Ella made the first step toward the door and Grayson followed.

Far too happy about the initial few gasps upon their entrance, Grayson grins. It’s official now, he’s staking his claim and taking charge and Ella is once again his. The girls whisper about as they walk past them, the guys spare no attempt to hide their wandering eyes from taking in the girl that made a guy like Grayson Dolan fold and commit.

“Don’t you two look lovely”, Ethan winks as he crosses their path, suppressing a smile as Grayson’s shit eating grin grows wider if that’s even possible.

“Your brother seems to be happy with our endeavor”, Ella notes. “Almost as if he knows the truth.”

“He does, but he’s also a sucker for romance. Says this is how most books start, but they never end this way.”

Raising an eyebrow, Ella cranes her neck to better look at her so-called boyfriend, “And do pray tell, how do they end?”

“A wedding.” Grayson chuckles, leading her to her first class of the day.

Stopping, Ella untangles herself from Grayson’s side almost instantly, leaving Grayson with a frown paired with a pout she found almost endearing

“Good thing we’re not in a book.”

Nodding, Grayson purses his lips, “I guess so. Wouldn’t be the worst thing though.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, Ella narrows her eyes ever so slightly. “What do you mean?”

A small smile plays on his lips, one that is near her as he leans in. His lips brush her earlobe and she holds her breath, her heartbeat skipping as he whispers, “There are worse things than having you as a wife.”

Swallowing thickly, Ella watched him step back with a cocky smile, praying her cheeks aren’t red. But they are. Her cheeks seem to know no other color but red when Grayson is close by.

“I’ll see you for the game, alright?” Grayson presses two fingers to his lips only to rest them back on hers, “Call me if you need me.”

And so, as he walked away, Ella remained rooted. For the first time in a long time, she fully understood what all those girls saw in this frat manwhore and it concerned her greatly to know he could disarm her so easily and she allowed it to happen. What upset her further is that she wished it had been his lips atop hers, not just his fingers.

As the day continued, such as they always do, Ella found herself thinking back to moments spent with Grayson and it only amplified her curiosity. The Grayson she heard of felt entirely like a fabrication at this point. This Grayson, dare she say – her – Grayson is much better than anyone gives him credit for.

In the time spent together, she had come to see him as a flawed human being, but one who is learning from his mistakes and rectifying them. It’s not impossible for her to truly care for him if he continues down that path. Perhaps in the near future, she wouldn’t care about the dashing Daniel she was so enamored by. Perhaps Grayson could be the one she desires after all. 

There are worse fates than a wedding, she thought..

--

Grayson would like to say he didn’t miss Ella, but he’d be lying. No, he doesn’t mean this Ella, rather his Ella. He tells himself he needs to let go of her, of the softness in her raspy voice whenever she speaks to him or the flowery scents she’s obsessed with, but he cannot reconcile the possibility of never seeing her.

Could he truly fall for this Ella and accept his Ella is to be lost forever? Can he surrender and learn to live in his new life as if he had never known the tender kisses she’d leave on his jaw or the way she’d trail his tattoos every morning after making love. She’s the reason why he stopped calling it fucking or sex. Ella is why it became something more. How can anyone top that? Even if it’s another version of her, what if Grayson never moves on?

“You good?” Ethan smacks him on the back and Grayson’s breath leaves him. Eyes wide, he nods, inhaling sharply.

“How big is this game?” Grayson wets his lips, finally hearing the cheering from the stands as he comes closer to the tunnel. Ethan shrugs, swiping his thumb just under his bottom lip.

“Career defining. We have scouts watching us tonight.” Ethan frowns, “If you wanted to fuck up our lives, botching tonight would be a fucktastic way to do it.”

“Great”, Grayson releases a heavy sigh, “No pressure then.”

Rolling his eyes, Ethan places his hands on Grayson’s padded shoulders, “Look, you’re not bad. You’ve been busting your ass in practice and you’re in shape, so just remember the plays and we’ll be good.”

“I’m the fucking quarterback, E. Why didn’t you take over for the night?”

Narrowing his eyes ever so slightly, Ethan gives Grayson a pointed look, “Because I have faith in you.”

“Somehow that makes it worse”, Grayson shakes his head, lips pressing into a thin line.

“Ella’s watching. Impress the girl and scouts and you’ll be on top of the world.”

And with that, Grayson put his helmet on and rushed onto the field with the rest of the team. He didn’t know what would happen, but he knew he had to try. If he doesn’t try, what’s the point? Life is about trying, again and again. Maybe some things are far too broken to be fixed, but he can piece himself up into a man every version of Ella would be proud to call hers.

Taking his position, Grayson scanned the stands quickly. His eye caught the empty seat where Ella was supposed to be and his heart sunk. She didn’t come.

Drawing a deep breath, Grayson swallows thickly.

“She’s with the cheerleaders!” Ethan shouts and Grayson’s head whips around to the cheerleaders only to find Ella waving at him.

A grin forms on his face as he waves back, wishing nothing more than to hold her in his arms. He really needs her tonight and maybe he can’t love her like he should, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her at all. This Ella, his Ella, any Ella – this woman’s soul is meant for him as much as his is meant for her. Just because he’s not the Grayson who gave her the jersey she ended up bringing back to him, doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy being the Grayson she likes. And she likes him – Grayson can tell.

Once the game started, Grayson had realized one thing - football is the way his entire being sang - a kind of music played in a way only the players and fans could hear. It was as if it is his opera, a tale of emotions told in struggle for the chance of earned glory.

Nothing could lessen the adrenaline coursing through his veins – not the mud, not the pain of being tackled nor the way he swore he’d pass out from all the running and shouting. Each time he managed to bring that football over the line, Grayson looked to Ella who jumped in excitement as if she actually cared about the result.

Deep down, Ella did care. It meant a lot to Grayson, not just winning but his position and popularity all stemmed from his ability to run with a ball without getting a concussion from a tackle. Every time he was on the ground, Ella had to physically restrain herself from running to his side. It hurt her to hear his pained grunts and for a moment, she cursed the moment she decided to ask her roommate to get her down to the field with the cheerleaders. She cashed in a favor to be closer to Grayson, regardless of the result and somehow she ended up getting a closer view of each time he was viciously brought onto the ground.

By the end, Grayson scored the winning touchdown and the crowd went wild. There isn’t a soul in that stadium that could deny the game was one of the best they’ve seen and no one doubted Grayson Dolan is a quarterback meant for much more than college football.

She saw him take his helmet off, the sweat matting his hair onto his forehead. The smile upon his lips felt like the sun itself shone upon her, especially when his hazel eyes found hers.

Fighting off his teammates' attempt to pick him up and carry him, Grayson ran straight toward her.

Ella heard about it, read about it – that moment when time seems to stop and you’re caught in between heartbeats and your breath is caught in your throat. Her heart is only human, flawed and frail and it feels as if it would give up on fighting to keep up with her emotions that explode inside her as Grayson comes closer and closer until she finds his arms around her waist and her feet off the ground.

She’s above him, her hands wrapped around his neck, fingertips buried in the hair at the back of his head. Her forehead rests atop of his, her smile as wide as his and for a moment, she throws caution out with the wind. Grayson spins them around, a throaty chuckle escaping him and his sweat doesn’t bother her even as she feels him soak her clothes. She doesn’t care about the people watching or the flashing cameras and she could care less about what anyone thinks about how odd of a pair they seem to be.

In the moment, she realizes he had wrecked her plans. She wanted to use him to gain Daniel’s affection, but he’s surprised her once again and he’s her man -  at least for the night. Ella had learned one important thing – Grayson is full of surprises and she wouldn’t mind discovering every inch of his complicated mind.

Without a warning, she leans down – stealing the few inches of distance between them. Her lips press against Grayson’s who freezes with the action. His facial features are heaven to Ella’s heart and soul, but she could be so happily mesmerized by those lips for all the days heaven grants her to come.

No longer stunned, Grayson’s dry lips join Ella’s in the public display of affection he certainly didn’t expect. In that moment of the kiss their chemistry becomes an ever-bright flame no one could deny, not even Ella.

And a sobering thought reminded her this might be just another kiss for Grayson. He may be handsome and charming, but there is a reason he’s also known as a manwhore and that thought makes her dread the future she could have with him. No matter how hard she tries, all she can see is heartbreak and he’d be fine – she would be the one to suffer, grieving for the living. He’s put roots in her heart and yet she can’t allow for them to grow.

Breaking the kiss, she draws a shuddered breath as her eyes remain closed for a moment longer. She just wants to remember it – the way he had made her feel like she’s whole, at home. It’s always going to be their first kiss, and if Ella had anything to do with it, it would be their last as well.

“Go”, she opens her eyes only to be met with his lopsided grin and a new kind of glow to his beautiful eyes. He looks blissful.

“Come with me”, his voice is hoarse, desperately holding onto her. But the moment’s passed, he can’t keep her a prisoner in his embrace forever. Grayson puts her down, his hands moving from her hips to her hands, barely holding on by their fingertips.

“You have a whole team waiting on you, a bunch of reporters and I know there are scouts who would love to talk to you. I’ll see you in the morning for our tutoring session if you don’t oversleep.” She chuckles, trying to hide how shaky she feels on the inside. Somehow, telling him to go felt deeper than that and she could see Grayson pick up on that too.

His forehead wrinkles, his eyebrows furrowing as he steps closer and she finds herself breathless. Wasn’t he close enough?

“You’re more important. Say the word and we can go anywhere you want.”

She could hear him clearly, feel the earnest tone of his voice in her bones. He seems to care about her but that promises nothing. Grayson is dangerous in the kind of way that would leave her desolate and wounded for years to come. Daniel is the safer option. The jealousy he displayed was enough to confirm her suspicions of him liking her back and she had to choose the lesser evil.

“Be by our tree in the morning and don’t leave me waiting too long, okay?” She smiles, trying to reassure him and yet his heart aches.

“I won’t drink. I’ll be there.” Grayson places a kiss on her forehead, a long lasting kind of a kiss that somehow felt more intimate than the one they shared minutes ago.

“Stay safe”, she steps back and as their hands part at the fingertips, Grayson swallows thickly. A part of him screamed at him to stay, but the other part could see Ella needed to be alone. He needed to respect her desire for space even if it hurts him.

--

Grayson honored his promise not to drink even a single drop of alcohol, despite peer pressure. He had decided that while Ella may have wanted to go home earlier, it didn’t mean he couldn’t come by and wish her a good night. Truth be told, he’d have traded the night for a moment with her, but he couldn’t destroy a life that isn’t his – not really.

He did manage to secure a few tryouts and summer program offers for himself, but when the talks were over, Grayson hit the showers and headed straight to Ella’s dorm room. 

He had one simple thought in mind – he’d admit he likes her and take her reaction for what it is. She may care for him or she may not, regardless of the outcome Grayson refused to cower and hide his feelings.

Maybe that’s why it shattered him so when he had seen her lip-locked with someone else. 

Lips parting, he felt himself sway as the gravity of the moment tore into him. She had taken his heart and she broke it apart, shredded the last bit of sanity he clung to. It feels like death, just the same as bereavement and in this quiet moment as he’s unable to avert his gaze it chokes the breath from his body and short circuits his mind. What was once whole is shattered; where once was peace now there is emptiness, echoes of a love he put his everything into.

Stumbling back, clutching his chest, Grayson walked back to his room. He can hardly remember how he got there, but he knew that he never missed his old life more. 

Ella was right, she’d never fall in love with a jock. She’d never fall in love with him in this life. 

While she was always in his head, even when he was scared to death to admit to it, Grayson seemed to be an afterthought in her head. 

He’s no longer afraid to admit the one truth he never told anyone – Grayson Dolan is wholeheartedly in love with Marizella Coleman, hopelessly hers in every universe he finds himself in.

There isn’t anything left to cling to, yet he can’t help but whisper her name under his breath – over and over, Grayson repeats her name like a lullaby until he finally falls asleep. 

--

“What exactly does this mean?” Ella traced a moon tattoo on Grayson’s chest, her interest piqued. It took five months for her and Grayson to get intimate, two more before she broke out of her shell and truly embraced that Grayson is hers. 

When she first met him, Grayson was lost. His priorities were all over the place, his mental health at an all time low and his bed was occupied by a different girl each night. 

It bothered her how careless he was with his mind and body, even more so by the fact that she wanted to give him her heart. But she bore witness to his ability to break hearts and she didn’t want to be another one in the line. 

If she was honest with herself, Grayson didn’t even know she existed. Not until he nearly knocked her out on the beach while chasing a ball. She knew him before he ever knew her and that made her careful, paranoid in a sense. If all those beautiful women couldn’t make him stay, how would she, an average girl next door, ever keep his interest long enough for him to see that she’s perfect for him?

“Nothing, it’s just pretty.” Grayson murmurs, wishing he could just wrap her up in his arms and forget about the world for the day. 

“You don’t get a tattoo because it’s pretty, Grayson”, Ella’s croaky morning voice forced his eyes open and a smile to form on his lips. He truly loves the sound of her voice more than the bird’s song.

“It’s my aesthetic”, Grayson’s cheeky smile makes her roll her eyes.

“Well then, I really shouldn’t show you the tattoo of my first boyfriend’s name then, should I?” She shrugged, turning away from Grayson who sat up quickly, his eyes wide and body rigid.

“I’D HAVE SEEN IT BY NOW”, Grayson exclaims, his voice penetratingly loud so much so Ella could hear Ethan grumble from his bedroom.

“It’s not easily noticeable”, Ella chuckles as Grayson’s jaw clicks, “But it’s my aesthetic, so it’s nothing. Maybe we can name our first born like that so it doesn’t go to waste”, she glances at Grayson with a coy look in her eyes, finding him heaving and ready to throw hands.

“Over my dead body”, Grayson growls, pulling her back to him as she yelps. Her laugh drowns out her scream as Grayson pins her down to the mattress beneath him, his hands firmly holding her by the wrists.

“Whatchu’ gonna do, big boy?” She teases him as he cocks an eyebrow, pursing his lips.

“I’ll make sure you scream my name so many times that no one ever comes to your mind again.”

--

Ella didn’t have any tattoos, but Grayson sure had fun finding out on his own. That was the first time she was no longer timid around him and he absolutely loved her teasing. Grayson didn’t enjoy remembering his Ella as much as he used to. Every memory brought him pain now that she was gone; that both of them were gone.

Avoiding Ella had become second nature and it wasn’t as difficult as he thought it would be. 

Waking up earlier to get to practice first, leaving last had given him no time to ponder on his broken heart. He’d arrive last and leave first during classes, avoiding the tree he had met her by twice so far. She did text him, leave a few voice messages as well, but Grayson didn’t bother checking what they said. 

Why torture himself further?

However, he forgot one simple fact about Ella that seems to be universal – she’s stubborn and that stubbornness had led to him finding her asleep with a book open on her chest right before his bedroom doors.

“Jesus”, he whispers under his breath, dragging his right hand across his face before resting his hands on his hips. Licking his lips, Grayson lets out a heavy sigh, unsure what to do. He can’t be around her anymore, not when he had a taste of happiness and lost it. 

He held tightly to her because she’s Ella – because her soul speaks to his, because even in the darkest nights she would be his compass. But this Ella isn’t his Ella, she’s never going to be his Ella and he hoped he’d somehow convince himself she is. 

Truth be told, he didn’t know what he was thinking when he got involved with her. She had no recollection of their time together in his universe, she had no obligation to care about him and his feelings. She barely knows him and what she knows is scarcely him and mostly the Grayson that belongs in this universe. 

Reluctantly, Grayson taps her shoulder. She flinches, the book falling with a thud as her wide eyes fix on his figure and that’s when they narrow and set aflame.

“Where the hell have you been?!” She stands abruptly, pointing the tip of her index finger at his chest, “I’ve been trying to reach you for a week!” Poking his chest, her nostrils flare, “I thought you were lying dead in a ditch somewhere!”

Wrapping his hand around her index finger, Grayson encases her entire hand along with it. “I’m sorry, I needed time.”

“Time? Time for what?” She frowns, the horizontal line between her eyebrows forming. 

“To make my peace with you and Kenny”, he sighs. He watches her face change from a frown to disbelief and when she rolls her eyes, he knows she’s annoyed with him.

“It’s Danny and he’s not my anything.” Placing her free hand on his cheek, she cocks her head to the left ever so slightly, “He’s not even a friend anymore. I don’t give a shit about him.”

“So why was he kissing you on game night?” Grayson counters, lips pressed in a thin line while hers part.

“Were you stalking me?”

Shaking his head, Grayson releases her hand while dragging the other one away from his face. 

“No. I wanted to see you and I did. With him.” Clenching his jaw, Grayson felt a wave of jealousy wash over him and it didn’t help that Ella had chuckled dryly.

“He kissed me and I was shocked but I pushed him away. And I told him I’m taken.” Licking her lips, she averts her gaze to the thread hanging from his sleeve. “By you”, she continues, “I told him you’re the one and I went inside and went to sleep.”

“You chose me?” Grayson releases a shaky breath, unsure what to do. “You can’t choose me, Ella.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, she steps back, “Oh! You don’t like me?” She swallows thickly, folding her arms across her chest. In all the scenarios she had made up in her head, him not liking her back was never one of them. It mortified her how silly she must look to him.

“No, no, I do!” Grayson stops her before she spirals, cupping her cheeks gently, “I like you, if I’m being completely honest, but I’m not…” Closing his eyes, Grayson smiles in disbelief over what he’s about to say, “You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I have to be honest.”

“You’re scaring me”, she says softly, her voice shaky. 

“If I told you I’m Grayson from an alternative universe and that we’re a couple in that universe, would you believe me?” 

Her breathing becomes softer, the pensive look melting into a smile as soft as the morning light. “Okay, that’s cute, but I don’t think it’s time for jokes.”

“You started writing a book when you were sixteen and you never told anyone.” Grayson states and she stumbles back, eyes wide. She had never spoken aloud of her book, never once. That book remains in a locked folder on her old laptop, not even she had laid her eyes on it in two years. She gave up on it completely. 

“How?”

“You absolutely adore the ocean and believe you were a mermaid in a previous life.” Grayson continues as Ella pales.

“You’ve always hated coffee, but if you have to drink it you add half a cup of milk and four sugar cubes.”

Shaking her head, she runs her hands through her hair, unable to comprehend what Grayson is saying.

“You’ve always been terrified of the dark, so you sleep with a pink turtle nightlight you’ve had since you were ten. You have a beauty mark between your breasts you absolutely hate and are insecure about, but I find it sexy as hell.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THAT?” Ella shouts in panic, her breathing labored. 

“Because I know you. From a different universe, but it’s you. And I love you. With all my heart and I know this is crazy, but I woke up here and everything changed overnight.” Slumping to the ground, Grayson hides his face in his hands. “And I fucking miss her. I miss my Ella so, so much and I have never been worthy of her, but she loves me anyway and I’m here.”

A hand on his shoulder makes his heart skip a beat, bearing her weight as she uses him to slide to the ground next to him. 

“What is she like?” Ella’s shaky hand slides down his arm, slipping into his hand. She’s quiet, defeated by the news, in shock if she’s entirely honest. It’s way too much all at once and she never thought it could be possible she’d like Grayson Dolan so much it hurt to imagine him with anyone, even if that someone is herself.

“She sold that book and is writing a second book while studying. And she’s kind, witty and shy but incredibly outgoing with people she’s comfortable with.” Grayson doesn’t even notice the smile on his face as he speaks of his Ella, but this Ella does. She’s jealous of her alternative self for having a guy like Grayson smile as he mentions her. She hates her other self for being brave enough to publish the book and live her dreams...well, old dreams. She’s not dreaming about being a writer anymore.

“I love her, but I was afraid to tell her that. I was afraid of fully committing myself to her.” Grayson admits, unsure what good it does him now.

“When did you wake up here?” She interrupts him, wanting to know what was him and what wasn’t. Has it always been this Grayson? Did she spend all this time falling in love with the wrong guy?

“Woke up with a killer headache after some frat party. Think it was that party when he gave you the jersey.” Grayson glances at her, noticing a small smile upon her lips.

“So it was him then”, she sighs. Leaning her head on the door, she closes her eyes. “But all of this was you.”

“Yeah.” Grayson intertwines their fingers, seeking comfort. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be”, Ella shrugs, “That Grayson wouldn’t have bothered with me.”

“That Grayson is a manwhoring mess.” Grayson chuckles, “But I was the same before I met my Ella. Maybe he just needs a nudge in the right direction.”

“Is it bad if I wish you to stay here?” Ella’s voice is quiet and wobbly, just above a whisper and it catches Grayson off guard.

“Is it bad if I say I fell in love with you just as I fell for my Ella?” Grayson counters and she lets out a breathless chuckle.

“It’s not bad, I mean I’m still Ella. Just on a different path in life.” Shrugging, she leans her head on Grayson’s shoulder, “Maybe that Grayson is you on a different path too? Maybe he doesn’t need an Ella of his own?”

Wrapping an arm around Ella, Grayson brings her closer to him, “Every Grayson needs an Ella.”

And in the silence, they found the comfort they both seek. It’s not right, but it felt perfect.

“You two are gloomy.” Ethan states, scaring them both. They were perfectly content staring at nothing in particular, just sitting there with the inner struggle wrecking them apart.

“You should wear a bell”, Grayson remarks and Ethan rolls his eyes.

“When you say shit like that, I genuinely can’t tell the difference”, Ethan steps aside, trying to get to the door.

“Does he know?” Ella asks and Grayson nods.

“Yeah, he’s the only one who knew.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Ethan glares at Grayson, “So you told her?”

“Yup”, Ella exclaims.

“Great!” Ethan opens the door, letting the pair fall on their backs with a string of curses from Grayson’s mouth and a small yelp from Ella’s. 

Grayson barely got up to his feet, helping Ella up as well when Ethan screamed, “KRISTINA FOLLOWED ME BACK!”

--

Laying on the bed with Grayson beside her, Ella wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Part of her thought she’s insane for believing him so quickly, yet another part of her knew with absolute certainty that no one couldn’t know the details he mentioned a few weeks ago and that if he knew them, the other version of her must have truly loved him to spill the beans.

Ever since then, they’ve been inseparable. Ella knew it was unwise to spend so much time with Grayson, to get involved more than she already has. One day, she’d wake up next to the other Grayson and she’d be left alone. It would be over before it started and she didn’t know how to accept the fact he’s never going to be hers. Not really.

“What are you thinking about?” Grayson breaks the silence, noticing she’s deep in thought.

“About the day I wake up to the other you.” She admits and Grayson frowns, propping himself up on his elbows. He’s never going to get used to how straightforward this Ella is. He both loves and fears that about her.

“You think it’s gonna happen?”

Nodding, she sighs, “I just feel it. It’s unexplainable.”

Swallowing thickly, Grayson licks his lips, “If it does, don’t give up on me.” 

Grayson’s eyes flicker to her lips only to pull away before he dares to even think about it further. They may be spending all of this time together and sleep in the same bed most nights, but they’ve never once kissed since the night of the game. Ella said she wanted to give her other self some much deserved respect and not cheat though she wasn’t sure if it qualified as cheating either.

“You? That won’t be you, Gray.” Ella rubs her nose, sniffling. “He won’t be you, just like I’ll never be Ella for you. Which sucks.” Tears brim her long eyelashes, tugging at Grayson’s heartstrings.

“You are Ella. Even though you’re a little braver and confident, you’re her and she is you.” Grayson tries, but Ella shakes her head.

“No. That’s not true! I don’t have her memories or experiences and that’s what shapes a person. That Grayson won’t be you and truth be told, I’m not sure if I want him at all.” Sitting up, she hides her face in her hands.

 “I’m not braver either, I’m just rougher around the edges. I could never publish that book like she did or move to Los Angeles and date a famous YouTuber.” Breathing fast, Ella felt like her head would explode.

“Hey, hey, hey”, Grayson says softly, his hands running up and down her back in hopes of soothing her. “Ells, what’s wrong?”

“Everything!” She exclaims, “I want you and I can’t have you! I can’t be with you when you’re already mine but in a different world and even if I ignore that, I can’t ignore the fact that sometime, even ten years down the line I could wake up to the other Grayson instead of you and it’s making me crazy!”

Wrapping his arms around Ella, Grayson held her close as she wept long into the night and he had never quite understood all the stories of the way your entire being hurts when your heart is broken and his heart is fucking shattered.

He’s holding the reason for his existence in his arms and he can’t ease her pain because he’s the cause of it. He wants to love her and she wants to love him back, but they can’t and Ella is right – even if he ignored the fact he’s not from her universe and went for it, there was no telling how long he’d be there.

In a spiritual life, much like the physical, there is an inhale and an exhale; the soul needs to inhale the feelings of another soul in order to claim them, to enrich them before returning it in an exhale. Without this, there is no life for the heart, without it, the heart is suffocating, suffering, withering.

And that’s exactly how Grayson and Ella feel right now – suffocating, suffering, withering.

As her breathing evens out and Grayson realizes she’s fallen asleep despite the occasional sob she lets out in her sleep, he looks up at the ceiling and sighs heavily as if the world’s weight is crushing him.

“Please make this right. For her sake. I don’t even care what happens to me, just make Ella happy again. Please.”

And when Grayson closed his eyes, he never imagined it would be the last night he spends in her bed.

--

With closed eyes, Grayson reached out for Ella. He didn’t remember when she slipped out of his arms in the night, but he wouldn’t consciously keep it that way. Having her close felt like a lifeline for Grayson, even if they were trying to keep it platonic. Too often did he consider just moving on with her, pretending as if his life is in a universe made not for him.

He wanted to stay and help Ethan get with Kristina, to help his sister start her own design company if she was still interested in that field or to simply go home and see his family. He wondered far too often how they were, but he never dared to ask Ethan about it. It’s a sore subject for Grayson, even now. He imagined it was the same for Ethan.

“Ella?” He grumbles, squinting to find her when his arm fails. Furrowing his eyebrows, he looks at the much larger bed he’s on with a concerned look upon his face. “What the –“, he starts only to recognize the bed-sheets Ella spent three days making a pro/con list for. “Oh God”, Grayson jumps to his feet, looking around wildly.

The lamp next to his bed is replaced by an old alarm clock, his windows are covered with drapes he doesn’t remember having and the floor is covered in clothes Grayson never saw in his life. Looking down, he finds his thighs are covered in tattoos and a choked sob escapes him.

He’s not sure if he’s happy or not about the possibility of being in his own universe again. There is still a chance he’s in a new universe altogether, but even if he’s back home, what exactly is he coming home to? What exactly did he leave behind?

That Ella must have had a shock of a lifetime when she woke up to the manwhore version of himself and he wished he could apologize to her for it, but he’ll never get to see her or talk to her again.

And then he remembered, “Ella”, he breathed out as he ran to the door. He’s not sure if she’s even there, if she even stayed after the switch brought his worst self to her bed and he realized his Ella had woken up to that Grayson too.

Heart in his throat, Grayson stumbles as he heads to the kitchen where he hears movement. He isn’t sure what is waiting for him here, but when he sees the messy bun he always loved to untangle and the back of her neck that he loved to kiss, Grayson felt his heart stop.

Swallowing thickly, he stood there, frozen at the sight of her. She’s so close that he could have her in his arms in a few steps, but would she forgive him if he told her he kissed the other Ella? Would she forgive him if he told her he had started liking the life he had in that universe?

Wetting his lips, he lets his heart guide him as his feet take him closer and once he’s there, his arms wrap around her on instinct. His head rests on her shoulder and he can feel her tense up, but he’s barely holding back tears as he inhales her familiar scent.

Grayson missed Ella in every possible way. His soul yearned for hers and being back in her presence had made him crumble.

“What are you doing?” She groans, trying to unwrap his arms from around her waist. “I told you I will never sleep with you!” She raises her voice as she slaps at his hands and Grayson finally snaps out of it, releasing her.

She whips around, eyes narrowed at Grayson who furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Pointing the tip of her index finger at his chest, Ella’s nostrils flare, “You have to stop this! I’m not a toy you can play with whenever you feel like it. I’m in pain!” She exclaims, pausing as she averts her gaze and her hand drops, “Do you even know what seeing you feels for me?” She sniffles as tears fill her eyes. “You’re wearing his face and body, but you’re too different. You’ve become better, you’ve done the work, but I love him. I can’t just forget about that.”

Drawing in a deep breath, Grayson felt his heart break further. It never occurred to him how hard this might have been for his Ella. She was stuck with the manwhore who would have broken her heart and he did. It was a relief she knew it wasn’t him, at least. His Ella knew better than the other Ella.

“And I love you”, Grayson manages a smile, “I’m sorry it took me this long to tell you.”

“What?” Ella crosses her arms, looking at him as if he’s offended her.

“It’s me, Ella. I’m back.” Grayson tries reaching out for her hand only to have her shake her head and move away. She’s physically revolted by his presence while he’s aching for a smile from her pressed lips.

“You’ve tried this before. I’m not going to fall for your shitty tricks”, Ella heaves, a hand placed on her chest as her tears spill over.

“He tried this?!” Grayson practically growls, slamming his fist on the countertop. “Did he touch you?” Grayson’s jaw clenches as he looks to a shaky Ella who isn’t sure what to say or believe anymore. It’s like she’s drowning with no help in sight.

“Please stop”, she croaks, “I thought you and I were friends now.”

Chuckling dryly, Grayson shakes his head, “Your pet fish was called Goldie because she was gold. Your turtle Rocky bit her tail off and she died.” Stepping closer, he points at her chest, “You have a birthmark right between your breasts.” Pursing his lips, he wonders what else he could tell her. Her eyes are wide, glistening with tears, but he has to let her know it’s him. “When we first met you called me and Ethan snotty teenagers. You hate my decorating skills and you hate my snoring.”

“Grayson?” Her voice is shaky as she steps closer, reaching her trembling hand out. Her palm finds its way to his cheek and Grayson leans into it with a soft sigh. “You came back to me?”

Taking her face in his hands, he rests his forehead on hers, “I did.”

“It’s been so hard”, she whispers and he closes his eyes.

“You were right, you know?” Grayson’s nose brushes hers, “You wouldn’t like the jock Grayson. But I really liked college Ella.” 

Grayson often debated if he should be honest with Ella if he somehow made his way back home and despite his doubts, he remembers their relationship is founded on honesty. He promised her he’d always tell her the truth and he couldn’t look her in the eye and ignore the fact he had felt a little heartbroken about the Ella he left behind.

“You met me?” She steps back, wanting to look at him better.

“I’ll always find you”, Grayson smiles.

“You fell for her, didn’t you?” Ella steps back, hurt flashing behind her brown eyes.

“I did fall for her”, Grayson admits, “But I love you.”

Staring at Grayson, Ella didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to feel either. Would she be right to hold it against him? After all, it was still her. Grayson loved her, in every universe. So why does it feel like he had cheated on her? Why does her heart bleed?

“Did you touch her like you touch me?”

Breaking eye contact, Grayson leans on the countertops, “I kissed her once.”

“Once”, Ella chuckles dryly. “I almost had sex with the other you, but at least I didn’t know the truth. You knew the girl you were kissing wasn’t really me. She’s someone I will never be and she will never be me.”

“Please don’t hate me”, Grayson croaks as tears form in his eyes. He’s not ready to lose her, but he’s not ready to keep her with him by lying. She deserves better and he knows that.

“I don’t hate you, Grayson”, she lets out a shuddered breath, “I wish I did. It would be easier.”

“Easier?” Grayson’s eyebrows furrow when she takes her bag and puts it over her shoulder.

“I need some time and I need you not to look for me.” It was killing her to do this, to take a step back from their relationship. Ella needed some perspective, to find a way to breathe again and being close to Grayson always felt like she was trying to keep her head above the crashing waves.

“Ella”, Grayson reaches for her but she recoils from him, again. She had done it once when she thought it was his other self, but she knew this was him. She still didn’t want him.

“I have never asked anything from you, but I need this.” Ella covers her mouth to stop a sob from passing her lips as she turns from Grayson and heads for the door only to run into Ethan and Kristina.

Kristina is quick to wrap her arms around Ella, both of them leaving through the front door.

But Ethan wasn’t leaving. He turned to Grayson with a stone cold look in his eyes and headed for him with a formed fist prepared to leave a mark.

“What did you do?!” Ethan shouted, ready to lay Grayson out in a single punch.

Raising his hands in mock surrender, Grayson circles the countertops so he’d be on a different side from Ethan who wanted blood.

“Whoa! It’s me, E! It’s Grayson! I’m back!” Grayson insisted as he ran in circles with Ethan, “YOUR FIRST TIME WAS WHEN YOU WERE 17!” He shouts and Ethan stops, eyes wide. “You also drank a beer when you were 16, but you’d never admit it. You hated onions as a kid!”

“Grayson?”

--

“How cool was the other me?” Ethan smirks as Grayson rolls his eyes, unsure if he should be annoyed or angry at his brother for not doing a better job at protecting Ella from the other Grayson who had clearly left her broken with issues he didn’t know how to resolve.

“You were single as fuck and a nerd”, Grayson sighs, “Kristina wasn’t even an acquaintance and the car you drove was more like a trash can running on fumes.”

Staring blankly, Ethan swallows thickly, “I don’t like that universe.”

“I liked it”, Grayson covers his face with his hands, his voice filled with remorse. “I didn’t know my life here was imploding while I was living the life I genuinely prefer over this one.”

“You’re saying college football was better than this house?” Ethan raises an eyebrow, “The money we have, the world we’ve seen, people we’ve met?”

Nodding, Grayson drags his palms down his face, “It was so much better.”

“Well, good for you. Meanwhile Kristina and I were dealing with a manwhore baby Grayson with no impulse control who was a pathological liar and manipulator.” Flicking a crumb from the countertop onto Grayson, Ethan continues, “Ella cried herself to sleep every night and we didn’t know what the fuck is happening.”

“She said she almost slept with him”, Grayson gulps audibly, unsure if he’s feeling guilty over the position that put her in, angry she’s angry at him when she nearly did something worse or jealous over the fact she had been touched by what seems to be the demonic version of him.

“You literally admitted to kissing the other Ella, I hardly think you have any room to judge anything she did Grayson.” Ethan’s tone is cold, his words harsh but truthful. Grayson has no right to be angry or jealous, he was a willing participant while his Ella was tricked.

“I can’t explain it”, Grayson runs his fingers through his hair, moving it away from his forehead. Truth be told, he got used to the short hair from the other universe, he couldn’t wait to cut it again. “She was still Ella. They had their differences, but she was still Ella and the more time I spent with her, less I wanted to be away from her.”

“Look, this is uncharted territory. We can’t exactly define any rules in a situation that had no rules, so just give her a moment to deal with this on her own terms.” Ethan places his hand on Grayson’s shoulder, hoping to comfort his brother but even he was having issues looking at him normally after everything the other Grayson did.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Grayson frowns, lips parted as Ethan’s eyes widen.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m about to fuck something up”, Grayson’s frown deepens as Ethan presses his lips together, genuinely having flashbacks to the insanity of manwhore Grayson and the stress he caused.

“I’m just waiting for you to start complaining about the tattoos or fake gag at vegan food or order a bunch of fried chicken or maybe scream about a game you’re missing.” Ethan rambles on as Grayson cackles, shaking his head.

“Man, I’m a dick!”

“Oh, no, the dick part was you hitting on Ella and then winking at every cute girl in your way.” Ethan raises both eyebrows as he shrugs, “I did smack you every time I could tho’, Kris did too.”

“Good”, Grayson exhales through his nose, his lips pressed as his eyes fall to his hands. “I really didn’t want to hurt her. Either Ella”, Grayson’s voice is meek, defeated and the empty look in his eyes speaks volumes of the weight that’s been forced upon his heart.

“I know”, Ethan manages a smile, “You’ll get her back.”

“Think so?” Grayson raises his eyebrows, an inkling of hope lingering deep behind his brown hues.

Ethan’s smile widens in an instant, “Know so.”

--

In this broken world Ella is Grayson’s world, his healer, his light and love, good women are that way. He missed her, more and more as each day passed and while it seemed like the world was spinning madly on, Grayson’s life felt like it stopped the day she walked out the door.

Kristina came back hours later, but Ella didn’t. What made it worse is that whatever Ella shared with Kristina had turned her against Grayson as well. She didn’t want to speak to him, much less to convey his messages to Ella and Grayson was sure they were in contact.

This heartbreak was unexpected, as they always are - top of the world one minute and cut down the next. Grayson expected to be blissful if he ever found his way back, but he only found misery. He could only blame himself for having broken not one, but three hearts the night he made his way back home.

Oftentimes, Grayson wondered what happened with the other Grayson and Ella when they woke up together, sharing a single bed. Did he once again try to lie and manipulate Ella or was he decent enough to tell her the truth.

Grayson feared he didn’t. He could only hope he was better with her, for her. Ella deserved that much and he believed she was more compatible with manwhore Grayson anyway. If anyone can whip him back into shape it would be her.

And his Ella, his beautiful, kind Ella…He thought about her all the time. What is she up to? Where is she? Is she as lonely as he is?

He failed her, both of them. He failed himself too.

Hearing Ethan talk about the constant stress the other Grayson put on her, their fights, her refusal to walk away because she hoped it would get better. She didn’t give up on him then, even though he was his worst self, but she walked away when she heard he had made a conscious decision to kiss someone else. 

He betrayed her trust and despite feeling guilty, he couldn’t regret it. Meeting her in a different universe only convinced him she’s his soulmate more. He couldn’t imagine life without her, in any reality.

And as a month passed, Grayson found it impossible to sleep in the bed he once shared with Ella. He preferred to sleep on the couch, even if his back felt broken in the morning. The pain was comforting compared to the loneliness the bed evoked. It was better off this way. He hated himself in that bed, he blamed himself every night and morning.

Closing his eyes, Grayson felt a tear roll down his temple. If he’s entirely honest, he’s not sure if he’s just too fucked up to ever love anyone like he loves Ella. He swallows thickly as his heart clenches in pain as his senses trick him into believing she’s with him.

For a moment, he could have sworn he smelled her perfume, the one he was absolutely smitten with. She wore it when they first met, she wore it when they first kissed and she wore it when they first became one. That perfume signifies all their firsts, all the good memories and even the fights he remembers carry a nostalgic happiness to them. Fighting is better than the silence she left him in. If she’s fighting, she cares but when she stops, that’s when crippling fear takes place and Grayson’s been consumed by that fear for too long.

A weight falls on him, a warmth engulfing him. The scent is stronger now, almost like she’s still there with him and in a moment of weakness, Grayson’s lips pass a strangled sob from deep within twenty one grams of soul and the sanity he once possessed.

“Don’t cry”, a raspy voice fills the silence and Grayson’s heart nearly stops. He’s hallucinating now, clearly he’s lost his mind. “If you cry, I cry”, the voice returns as a whisper and Grayson’s not sure if it’s all a dream.

Opening his eyes, he gasps once he sees Ella’s head resting on his chest. She’s laid upon him like a safety blanket, a tad too short to truly cover him but effective in its intent.

“You’re here”, Grayson breathes out and her head moves up so her eyes meet his.

“I couldn’t trust you, I didn’t even trust myself that day. I didn’t dare let you near me scared that I’ll lose you the same, but I can’t let that fear dictate my life and I can’t bear the pain of staying away.”

Running his hand down her back, Grayson pulls her up ever so slightly so he could easily kiss her lips if she allowed him to. He wanted to be able to see every change in her eyes, every line of her face.

“I love you”, he stops her from speaking, finding her apologies unnecessary. She had enough of heartbreak for both of them when he disappeared.

“Don’t let me run again”, her voice breaks and Grayson notices the tears pricking at her eyes, “I know I asked you to let me go, but don’t. I got mad and insecure, but I love you. So don’t ever let me leave again.”

Brushing the tip of his nose against hers, Grayson’s lips curl at the corners, “Never.”

“Do you want to tell me how awesome the other me was?” She raises her eyebrows expectantly as Gray gives her a slight shake of his head.

“Well, you were crushing on some dick Dougie”, Grayson starts and her eyebrows furrow in confusion before her mouth opens wide.

“You mean Danny?!”

The excited tone instantly put a frown on Grayson’s face, making Ella chuckle.

“He was my first ever boyfriend back home!” She continues, further aggravating Grayson who could no longer hold back. He told himself he’d be more patient, but it’s a work in progress and he needed her to stop talking, so he did the most natural thing he could think of.

He kissed her.

Before she could withdraw, his arms were around her. He bent back her head across his arm and kissed her, softly at first, and then with a swift gradation of intensity that made her cling to him as the only solid thing in a dizzy swaying world. His insistent mouth was parting her shaking lips, sending wild tremors along her nerves, evoking from her sensations she had never known she was capable of feeling. And before a swimming giddiness spun her round and round, she knew that she was kissing him back.

It’s like opening up your soul to tasting, feeling and seeing every color of the rainbow in their own sensual way. For Ella it felt almost like catching Grayson’s smile in a bottle, its softness, its sweetness, the slight arrogance that provoked a reaction of her insatiable need for his touch. Kissing Grayson felt just like breathing oxygen she needs to keep her heart beating. His kisses warm the soul. His kisses are right. He is right; for her, with her, he’s the part of her she can’t imagine her future without.

“Never mention Doyle when you’re in my arms”, Grayson whispers against her lips, “Don’t mention Dairy, ever again”, Grayson adds while she giggles, amused by his absolute refusal to say the name right. “That would have been an awful tattoo”, he adds as she chuckles.

“If this is my punishment, I might be inclined to break that rule”, she winks, “Often”.

For a moment, Grayson stopped and stared. She didn’t seem shy or less brave than the other Ella at all. She felt brazen, unapologetically her and Grayson realized for once and all, his Ella, as complicated as she may be, is absolute perfection.

“Then it’s a good thing I’m a man of my words, isn’t it?” Grayson’s smirk is gone once his lips claim Ella’s again and she releases a satisfied moan in response. It was the kind of kiss that was so intoxicating your brain couldn’t handle thinking about anything else.

“I love you”, Grayson whispers against her lips, “I love you”, he repeats. “I love you, I love you, I love you”, he peppers her face and neck with feather light kisses, repeating his ‘I love you’ over and over like a prayer that was finally answered.

No matter what was in store for them, Grayson believed they would find their way back to each other. After all, they’re meant to be and for once, he didn’t doubt that saying. 

People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

[freakygirlie]

J2 Fanfic Rec List <3

In honour of all the j2 content we have recieved, and the amount of fanfiction I have read, I decided to make a rec-list nobody asked me for but EVERYONE has to read k? Capiche? Make sure to heed the warnings, and read the tags. These are some beautiful gems by very talented authors and I’ve only scratched the surface of it.

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The Courtship Of Jensen’s Co-Star{Masterpost} by qblackheart-  

Summary:- Somewhere in the time between a handshake and a hug, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki went from being reel-life brothers to real-life best friends, and complete strangers to cosmic soul mates, no rhyme or reason to it that either of them could ever see. Jared was everything Jensen was not: friendly, funny, and full of life; one in six-point-whatever billion the Earth’s population currently stood at. Life was awesome. Work was amazing. Everything was fine until Jared kissed Jensen. Everything was peachy until Jensen fell in love. With desperate times unexpectedly calling for desperate measures, Jensen called Chad Michael Murray for relationship advice – because being in love led to temporary insanity obviously – so it really didn't surprise him that he couldn’t seem to win when it came to wooing Jared. Still, Pisces must’ve been in a really good place in the night sky or something because suddenly, right smack dab in the middle of the miserable courtship of his co-star, Jensen discovered that maybe loving Jared was all he needed to do to win his heart. And luckily for Jensen, loving Jared was also the one thing he did best. ~112k~

The Play Nice Proviso{Masterpost} by qblackheart-

Summary:- When Jensen Ackles first met Jared Padalecki, it was most definitely not love at first sight. It wasn’t even like at first sight. In fact, Jensen hated him, and he had a few good reasons as to why. So what if his new co-star was oblivious to his one-sided warfare? Jensen could deal. Apart from when he couldn’t. So when it came down to picking between Padalecki and his peace of mind, the choice seemed clear. Except for the fact that The Network had his balls in a vice, leaving him stuck with Supernatural, stuck with his idiot co-star, and worst of all, stuck with a ‘Play Nice’ Proviso added to his contract. Well, he could play nice. He would play so nice that the world was going to think that he and Jared Padalecki were the bestest friends in the history of best friends. It was unfortunate then that no one had ever told Jensen what happened when an immovable object met an irresistible force; no one had ever thought to mention that there was a thin line between hate and love; and nothing, absolutely nothing, could have possibly prepared him for Playing Nice with Jared Padalecki. ~70k~

And The Rest, As They Say Is History by Raina_at-

Summary:- Struggling actor Jensen takes a job as big-shot movie star Jared Padalecki’s dogsitter. And the rest, as they say, is history. ~17k~

reinventing love ‘verse{Masterpost} by _mournthewicked-

Summary:- With high school graduation less than two weeks away, best friends Jared and Jensen find themselves scrambling to tie up a few loose ends before they’re forced into adulthood. Jared ropes Jensen into helping him get the alcohol for Sandy's graduation party, and what should be a simple night of partying ends up turning into a series of mishaps and misunderstandings that all come to head when Jensen finally tells Jared the secret he wasn't ever planning on spilling. If high school has to end, they're going out with a bang. (A J2 spin on the movie Superbad)  ~200k+~

My Heart Don’t Beat The Way It Used To by Raina_at- 

Summary:- Jared and Jensen have been best friends forever, and nothing’s going to ever change that, not even senior slump, or college anxieties, or even Jared getting an annoying cheerleader girlfriend. Or so Jensen thought. ~26k~

Can’t Point The Way To Your Heart by Belyste-

Summary:- AU in the vein of movies like Hitch - Jensen's an unofficial advice guru, and Jared's his latest project. Except while Jensen's supposed to be helping Jared end up with the woman of his dreams, he falls for him instead. ~33k~

Something Borrowed, Something Blue by Belyste-

Summary:- When Jared desperately needs a date for his brother's wedding, he hires an escort. Jensen's the perfect fake boyfriend, except pretty soon things get a little too real. Based on The Wedding Date. ~38k~

True Colors by muni-playground-

Summary:- Jared is a mentally challenged young man with a very special gift. Jensen is an executive with nothing in his life but work. They meet by accident and discover a connection that defies explanation. ~32k~

The Billionaire’s Reluctant Husband by house_of_lantis-

Summary:- Billionaire Jensen is a playboy and he needs a husband pronto if he wants to keep his company and his inheritance. After a chance meeting with quiet and hardworking Jared, Jensen decides that he’s found the perfect candidate. The arrogant Jensen thinks he’s got Jared in the bag, but when his new husband refuses to sleep with him and doesn’t really even seem to like him, Jensen convinces himself that he’s happy with his open marriage lifestyle. But Jensen becomes increasingly obsessed with his new husband and discovers the truth behind Jared’s dark past. ~98k~

Project Get Jared Banged{Masterpost} by soulmatecest-

Summary:- Jared's had the best stepbrother in the world in Jensen since the age of five — growing up together and more attached than usual brothers would —, only realizing that he’s in love with Jensen by the time he hits thirteen. After five more years of Jared's impossible crush, he knows his life turns and spins around his brother. Luckily for Jared, he and Jensen have always been closer than other siblings, making his feelings seem a little less hopeless. Or that is until Jensen announces he’s moving to Austin to live with his girlfriend next year, leaving Jared's perfectly built Jensen-centric world crashing to the ground. That’s when Chad and Sandy decide to convince Jared that moving on and letting go of his feelings are the only way to get through his lost love for Jensen. Yet their plan to get Jared out of his shell and over his stepbrother doesn't sit well with one person: Jensen himself, who realizes that the more Jared tries to pull away, the more he wants to get him back closer. ~120k~

Burn The Land and Boil The Sea by nyxocity-

Summary:- Eight years ago, Jared spent his entire summer on a tropical island off the coast of Mexico with Jensen. He fell head over heels for Jensen, but their lives were going separate directions at the end of the summer, and they never quite got together. Jensen left for Greenpeace and Jared went off to college—but he never truly got over Jensen. Now, in present day, Jared is a marine biologist working on a project in the gorgeous panhandle of Alaska. He’s amazed to discover the captain of the ship he’s chartered is none other than Jensen Ackles himself. Jared’s overjoyed, but Jensen is less than thrilled���he’s a changed man since that summer so long ago; withdrawn, passionless and solitary. Still something of the bond between them remains, and neither of them seem to be able to escape its pull completely. When Jared’s project leads them into danger and leaves them running and fighting for their lives, Jensen’s secrets begin to come out, drawing them back together—but can they survive long enough to figure out this thing between them? ~53k~

As This Sunset Turns to Morning{Masterpost} by _mournthewicked-

Summary:- Jensen spends his life hiding who he is from the family that would never accept him if they knew. When he’s uprooted in the middle of his senior year and suddenly becomes the new kid, his carefully placed mask begins to slip. Especially when he meets Jared – a loud, outspoken spectacle of a boy that fights for everything Jensen was taught to stand against. Jared has no problem going after what he wants, and now it’s just a matter of Jensen letting himself do the same. ~86k~

Leave My Heart Out of This by elless18- (link to the timestamps)

Summary:- AU. Jensen needs to get married in order to get his grandfather’s inheritance and open his own law firm. Jared would do anything to help his best friend. The plan is simple- pretend to date, get married, get the inheritance, get divorced. But things grow complicated when one of them starts falling for his fake boyfriend. Can they find their happily-ever-after from all the lies they’ve built around them? ~35k+~

Who Watches Over Me? by nyoxicity-

Summary:- Jensen Ackles is an ex-Navy SEAL turned civilian bodyguard with a mysterious past. Jared Padalecki is a flamboyant Hollywood star known for his action movies who's been receiving death threats. The case sounds like Jensen's idea of a nightmare, and he takes it on against his better judgment. Jared drags him to clubs and parties and award ceremonies without any care for how difficult he's making Jensen's job, and to his complete lack of surprise, they hate each other. But when hate changes into passion, it begins to reveal something deeper between them, and Jensen realizes he's in over his head. Can he still do his job and keep Jared safe? Or will he fall prey to his greatest fear and fail someone... again? ~96k~

The Billionaire’s Bidding by Raina_at-

Summary:- When idle, slacking billionaire’s son Jensen Ackles lends a helping hand to his old childhood friend, he gets a lot more than he’s bargained for. ~31k~

Hold My Whipped Cream by dimpleforyourthoughts-

Summary:- International Best Selling Author Jensen Ackles is all kinds of specific with the details of his life. He likes privacy, writing, and coffee; black, no sugar, hold the cream. He’s become a fixture at the local coffee shop, writing from his table every day for the past two years. His vices include routine, neatness, and structure. Jensen doesn’t do messes. Then there is Jared, recent post-grad basket case, who’s been coming in every day for caffeine he doesn’t need and bringing the increasing disaster in his life with him. Jared is a mess in all the ways Jensen is not and so Jensen offers to help Jared in the only way he knows how: by buying Jared a cup of coffee. ~37k~

Operation: Mistletoe by dimpleforyourthoughts-

Summary:- FBI Agent Jensen Ackles is a damn good agent, but his devil-may-care attitude, gut instinct, and sheer dumb luck have finally run out. With his job and reputation on the line, Jensen is assigned to a new partner: the overzealous and overachieving Agent Jared Padalecki. Their mission: Infiltrate a ring of drug dealers hiding out in Suburbia in the midst of the Holiday season. The only catch? They have to pretend to be head-over-heels in love with each other. ~39k~

Regaining Sense{Masterpost} by astri13-

Summary:- A vengeful crime-boss cost Jensen not only his eyesight but also a promising career with the FBI. When the man resurfaces two years later, Jensen is not thrilled to find himself taken into protective custody, even less so when the Agent in charge turns out to be Jensen's former partner and boyfriend, Jared Padalecki. Will the two men be able to overcome their differences and work together to not only stop the bad guy but also uncover the mole in their own ranks before it is too late? ~27k~

Say You’re Mine by Belyste-

Summary:- It takes his two best friends getting engaged to make Jared realize what’s missing in his own life, but once he figures it out, he’s a man on a mission: find true love or die trying. He’s not asking for much – just the perfect soul mate to spend blissful eternity with – so when a chance meeting drops Jensen into his life (and his lap), it seems like fate. But either Jensen missed that memo or fate seems to have other ideas, because nothing works out the way Jared planned. Based loosely on S1 of How I Met Your Mother, but you don't need to have seen that to know what's going on. ~56k~

Absence From Those We Love by _mournthewicked-

Summary:- Jensen Ackles led a great life. It just wasn’t the one he planned on. Now he’s newly single, stuck at a job he hates, and sharing an apartment with his lovably psychotic best friend. When he’s given the chance to go back and do it all over again, he leaps at it. Only he soon comes to realize that no matter what’s in front of him, it’s impossible to leave the past behind. Considering what he’d be giving up, he might not even want to. (17 Again - J2 Style.) ~41k~

Change The Fate’s Design by _mournthewicked-

Summary:-  All Jensen has ever wanted to do is see the ocean. Unfortunately, that's kind of hard to do when your dad won't let you leave your house in the forest because of your magical powers. So, Jensen spends most of his days with no one but his pet hedgehog to keep him company. At least, until a guy named Jared stumbles along and offers to help him realize his dream. (A J2 spin on Disney's Tangled.) ~50k~

A Spotlight On These Desolate Dreams{Masterpost} by _mournthewicked-

Summary:- In high school, Jared Padalecki had it all. He was surrounded with rich, famous, beautiful friends and partied with young Hollywood's elite. As if all of that wasn't exciting enough, he used the tricks he learned from his grandfather to become an amateur sleuth with his billionaire best friend, Jensen Ackles, playing the role of trusty sidekick. But when he got in over his head and lost everything he once held dear, he knew that it was time to move on. That was ten years ago. Now he lives the lonely life of a hardboiled private investigator on the streets of Manhattan, and his fabulous past is nothing but a distant memory. That is, until a tragedy forces him to return to California and the world he left behind. Between juggling rabid paparazzi, sarcastic detectives, and a spurned ex-best friend, it's a wonder that he can possibly find the time to solve a murder that has left the city of angels reeling. ~50k~

Break Me, Shake Me, Hate Me, Take Me Over by orphan_account- (sorry, I can’t access the author’s account but the story’s link still works!)

Summary:- When recklessness, alcohol and a bullet to his hip sees his police career end in disgrace, alpha Jensen Ackles resigns himself to a life spent in the dregs of a bottle, aimless and filled with regrets, watching as the bills and eviction notices pile up. That is, until he's offered a job and lodging with beta lawyer Samantha Smith, as a pseudo bouncer/admin worker. It's a far cry from his previous life, but it might just be what Jensen needs to drag himself from the dark place he's in. Not only that, but little does Jensen realise that taking on the position will bring him face to face with his biggest regret; the person he walked away from three years ago in what was the worst mistake of his life... ~70k~

Whiskey River, You’re All I Got by whisperedstory-

Summary:-  Jensen's life revolves around The Whiskey Sour, the bar he inherited from his grandfather nine years ago. But with too few customers and not nearly enough profit, things are taking a turn for the worse. And then Jared Padalecki walks into Jensen's life and changes everything. ~19k~

Out Of The Silence by annie46-

Summary:-  When hardened, but lonely cop, Jensen Ackles meets Jared Padalecki in his family’s diner, he doesn’t realise that his life is about to change drastically. Jared is a complete innocent, deaf, mute and unable to communicate, he needs a friend. Can Jensen be that man? ~the word count wasn’t mentioned but if i had to take a guess, I’d say something between 20k and 30k~

The Execution Of The Last Steal by soulmatecest-

Summary:- Anyone who meets Jared Padalecki would think he has the perfect life: a college degree, a normal life and an apparently perfect fiancé, Stephen Amell, the son of a Senator with a bright future. Except for one thing: it’s all based on a lie. Five years ago, he created a new identity for himself to cut all ties to his criminal past and ex-boyfriend Jensen Ackles, a world-renowned thief. But Jared can’t run forever. A threat from his past comes back looking for him and the only person who can help him is the man he thought he left behind forever, the only person Jared’s never been able to forget. Incredibly charming and just as cocky, Jensen Ackles is a thief that is too good at his job for his own good, who would do anything to protect Jared now that his life is in danger. Years have gone by, but he has never been able to forget Jared either. And perhaps now that they are forced to escape together, Jensen might be able to do what he’s best at: steal Jared’s heart one last time and win back the only person Jensen has ever loved. ~97k~

Bring Me To Life by alienat-

Summary:-  Jared’s a shy young man, whose life has never been easy. His father hates him, his mother drinks her sorrows away and his husband Paul treats him like he is nothing more than a beautiful toy. When his husband has to go away on a business trip to Europe for two months, he sends Jared away to a ranch in the middle of nowhere to keep him under control. There, Jared meets people who show him what love, friendship and loyalty mean for the first time in his life. Can he escape his life and finally find some love and happiness for himself? ~81k~

Gunpoint{Series} by felisblanco-

Summary:-  Jensen got his childhood stolen away from him when he was ten years old. Along with his memory, his voice and every emotion that wasn’t fear, hatred or anger. Question is, can Jared help him get any of it back? And more importantly, does Jensen really want him to?

Election Day by morganaDW(morgana07)-

Summary:- Jensen's running for President with the deck already stacked against him. He's come out as gay while serving in Congress, his Vice President is a colorful Misha & his family has disowned him over his choice of partners. But that's not the worst of it...On Election Day when he should be focused on winning Jared ends up shot after stepping in front of a killer's gun to save some school children. Election Day is important but to Jensen nothing is more important than Jared and he doesn't care who knows it or if he loses so long as he can be with him. It's Jensen who winds up surprised in the end. ~8k~

A Boy At An Open Door by poor_choices-

Summary:- Jensen Ackles' life is all sorted out, until a blast from the past shows up and makes him realize he's not as happy as he thought. ~10k~

Beautiful Disaster by nyoxicity-

Summary:-  Rock Band AU. Jensen’s the lead guitarist in the number one rock band in the country. Justin’s the lead singer, and they’ve been doing this together since middle-school, been together since just after high school. As on top of the world as they are, Jensen’s starting to become disillusioned with the lifestyle and his crumbling relationship with Justin. And then he meets a new roadie on the crew named Jared who’s got a voice like an angel and a heart to match, and everything starts to change. ~96k~

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And that’s the end of it!!! These are absolutely beautiful, gorgeous and epic fanfictions and will keep you buys for days! Hope y’all enjoy these, I’m off to read more sksksksksk. Let me know if a link doesn’t work, if you like any of these in my inbox and if y’all want a part 2! Peace and J2 5 ever!!!

[joonsdiary]

the ceo’s keeper

↳ part three of the: (not) the love of my life series

pairing: seokjin x reader (female) genre: arranged marriage au // humour with a dash of fluff and sprinkle of angst�� word count: 5,8k

chapter summary: visiting seokjin in his Tower of Terror™ reveals he carries a lot more baggage than you intend to claim.

warning. alcohol consumption, a few curse words here and there; nothing worth putting the mature tag but i’d still advice to proceed with caution. 

note. putting it out there since i don’t think i’ve mentioned it before, but this fic was initially inspired by yuna’s (not) the love of my life. just putting it out there as a song rec in case you’ve not heard it yet!

the proposal | the first date | the ceo’s keeper | the engagement

“Guess who’s in the front cover of Daily Gossip and is trending number one in the search engines?” Taehyung barged into Seokjin's office early Monday morning a few seconds after Mina phoned his arrival. His brother plopped himself in the plush leather chair across his office table, lifting one leg to rest it on top of the other.

Seokjin didn’t have to guess as he often donned the front cover of plenty of tabloids. But not because of anything work-related, which he never really understood. Were his date nights that interesting to many people? Must be, if they were constantly writing about it. He then remembered your quip a few days ago regarding his ‘date’ with the president’s daughter but was quickly reminded that a certain Yoongi had told you about it. The corner of his lips curled downwards. 

“Aren’t I always on the front cover?” he doesn’t even bother to look up as he spoke while continuing to type endlessly on his keyboard. If there was one thing he hated about his job, it would have to be coordinating e-mails. He would usually allocate the task to Mina, but certain emails that contain sensitive information would have to be drafted by him.

“Yes, but, hear this—” Taehyung cleared his throat for effect and shifted in his seat, holding his phone in front of him theatrically, “Seoul’s most eligible bachelor’s newest FLING is somebody you won’t expect!” 

“As I said, it’s nothing new,” he deadpanned.

Taehyung chastised him with a shush before continuing.

“Kim Seokjin’s date du jour – I’m pretty sure they used the word in the wrong context here – is the twenty-four-year-old hotelier – wait, she’s that young?”

“I can’t interrupt you, but you keep stopping yourself for your little commentaries,” Seokjin grumbled as he hit the send button, only partially listening to Taehyung. “And she’s practically the same age as you.” 

“Yes, but an owner, albeit previously, of a hotel? That’s pretty impressive.” 

Seokjin rolled his eyes at Taehyung’s remark, but one of the reasons why he’d agree to this whole masquerade in the first place is due to your reputation. You were a woman of class and grace in spite of your moderate — for a lack of a better term — upbringing. As far as he was concerned, you were respected among the elites; the perfect remedy to clear his name of his tarnished credibility, which he blames solely on the tabloids. Whoever he chooses to go on a date with, no matter how frequently the person changed every week, was no one’s business but his. 

Yet the camera lenses never strayed too far from him wherever he went. It was tedious and stupid because he wasn’t some celebrity who craved attention. Yet he had to make peace with the fact because the board of directors was all about reputation instead of the actual work that Seokjin put into elevating the company.  

“Anyway, back to the gossip,” Taehyung scrolled down further on his screen, “blah, blah – oh! We have a feeling she’s special because unlike his other dates, he brought her to his upscale restaurant, Chateau – You had dinner at Mom’s restaurant? That is certainly news.”

The fact that Taehyung still referred to it as ‘Mom’s restaurant’ brought warmth in Seokjin’s chest. 

“It was a last-minute decision. She said she went on a date at the place you suggested the night before.” 

“That is also news,” Taehyung said, teasing. “Do tell me the details, dear brother.” 

“Apparently it was a move to get under her parent’s skin. It was shortly before she knew of my proposal, obviously. Nothing much to spill.”

“Mhm,” the smirk lingered on Taehyung’s lips, but he pressed on with the article. He quietly read with his eyes for a while before blurting out an expletive, which caused Seokjin to look up momentarily from his screen. 

“What?”

Taehyung sighed as he squinted at his brother, reciting the text verbatim. “But their rendezvous, however, ended early with them parting ways; he headed straight to Kim Hotel after dropping her off. Does this mean the night didn’t go as they’d planned? Will she be another date-and-dash for our handsome CEO-to-be?” 

“Date-and-dash,” Seokjin scoffed before laughing in disbelief. “That might be the best term they’ve come up with so far.”

“Yeah, well, we don’t want everybody to think this is another date-and-dash for you.” 

“I’m only worried about Dad’s opinion. Everybody else can think whatever they want.”   

“They can still hire an outsider as CEO.” 

“Dad wouldn’t let them do that.”

“There’s only so much power he can hold. That’s what the board of directors is for.” 

He paused, letting Taehyung’s words simmer. His brother never bothered much for the corporate side of the business, opting to delve more into his artistic side. He was responsible for much of the interior design of any and every Kim Hotel they decided to build, but that’s about it as far as his contribution went. If Taehyung was content and satisfied with whatever he chose, then so was Seokjin. 

“You’re right,” Seokjin’s lips pursed, hating the admission.

“Aren’t I always?” Taehyung snorts before sighing and putting his phone away. “You’re going to have to put a little bit more pep in your step, as the saying goes, if you want to make this look more sincere than it actually is.”

Seokjin contemplated the implication of the word sincere. He thought he had been as truthful as possible in his interaction with you two nights prior. His conversation with you ebbed seamlessly, save for the second half of the night where you discussed business. It had been the sincerest interaction he had with a woman whom he didn’t have to bed that same night as he normally would. The farthest he’d gone with you so far was a chaste kiss on the forehead, which he deemed you were uncomfortable with. 

“Should I make out with her on our next date, then?” Seokjin quipped. He didn’t mean it seriously, but the delighted look in his brother’s face told him they weren’t on the same page. “I was kidding, V.” 

He threw the nickname out with an ill-intention, knowing how much Taehyung resented it. His brother sighed, slumping on the chair and mussing his curly locks. It baffled Seokjin how one could grow their hair out past their eyebrows, but it seemed to suit Taehyung, nonetheless, fitting with the artistic look he was trying to accomplish.

“It’s something to talk to her about. If she’s comfortable with it, then why the hell not?” Taehyung shrugged, tugging at his turtleneck. 

Would you even be open to the idea? Hell, you’re bound to get married in less than three weeks, but he hadn’t entertained the thought. All the women he’s dated so far knew what to expect of him, and vice versa: sex after dinner. That was the mantra. 

“I don’t know, Taehyung…” he trailed off. 

It’s not that he thought of you as a prude, but his arrangement with you had strictly been business, and Seokjin was the type not to mix the two. He never pried with anything past surface level with the women he had relationships with; he never stayed long enough to know. Or he wasn’t interested enough to stay and get past the tip of the iceberg. 

He no longer wanted to entertain the idea of forever with somebody, and longevity isn’t something he’s interested in. Been there, done that. Not exactly his cup of tea — he’d learned the hard way. Best he moved along.

“Fine, but mild contact is still on the table. You didn’t even hold her hand, according to the article.” 

“I did,” Seokjin said defensively. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure, and that was a problem in and of itself. 

“Tell her, Jin.” 

“I will if it gets you off my back. Now kindly screw off,” he grinned at his inside joke before continuing. “I have a meeting with a contractor in five minutes.” 

“Ouch, since when do you use such harsh words, dear brother?” Taehyung whined, clasping the front of this sweater with his hand. He straightened up, nonetheless, slipping his phone in the pocket of his black slacks. “Jeju?” 

Seokjin nodded, opening another email that needed a return message. 

“Shouldn’t Namjoon be here for that?”

“I already called him this morning. He’s still having way too much fun in Switzerland, but he’ll be back by the end of the week.” 

“Taeri’s probably mad that you’re pulling her husband away from her so early after their wedding.” Taehyung laughed as he shook his head, but Seokjin only grinned.

“It’s been two months. He has to come back. This operation doesn’t run itself; I’ll have you know.” 

Taehyung dismissed him with a passive, “Yeah, yeah.”

There’s a pause, and Seokjin furrowed his brows at his brother’s sudden teasing expression.

“But I still can’t believe he got married before you.” Taehyung pointed an accusing finger at him, and Seokjin laughed.

“I can’t believe it either. He’s certainly way worse than I am.”

“But better at break-ups than you are. You just leave them hanging,” Taehyung squinted his eyes with indignation. Seokjin gives his brother a tight-lipped smile.

“Not entirely true. I technically don’t do the whole dating thing officially. What’s more, I give them—”

“Mr. Kim, your ten-thirty is here,” Mina’s voice crackled through the phone. Seokjin sighed in relief, grateful for once that he was being interrupted with another meeting.  

“I guess that’s my cue,” Taehyung turned, his Gucci loafers dragging him halfway through the office. “Don’t forget to tell Y/N.”

“I won’t. She’s stopping by later.” 

“Oh? I should stick around, then.” 

“We don’t need your constant badgering, thank you very much.” He called out, but Taehyung was already out of his office by then.

                                      *  *  *

You had never been to the Kim Hotel before, there was simply no reason to step foot into one of their many copy-and-paste buildings that dotted the entire country. You joked to Seokjin a few nights ago about the hotel being his tower, but the building was indeed massive, which would make sense seeing that they are billionaires, after all. They wouldn’t have a measly bed-and-breakfast type of hotel like you do. You stood rooted to the ground, squinting up the massive fortress.

(You’d think at some point they’d have to consider the safety of the poor birds that get confused and end up slamming themselves into its reflective windows, but that seemed like a thought for another day.)

Pushing aside all the uneasy feeling that bubbled from your stomach, you collected yourself mentally and pushed through the revolving doors. It was exactly like you thought it was — the pinnacle of contemporary interior design. Everything blended seamlessly, uncluttered and unbearably white it was practically blinding you. Not wanting to be caught ogling the furniture, you made your way to the steel elevators, punching the button to the highest floor. Seokjin didn’t give you any details as to where his office is located, but surely the highest floor of this gargantuan building would belong to him. The doors slid open after what seemed like a lifetime, and you were greeted with a curt voice.

“Do you have an appointment?”

You blinked, unsure of what to say. “I believe so. My name is—”

“Finally! I thought you’d never arrive,” a brunette with an uncharacteristically wavy hair came bumbling out of what you assumed was a boardroom office. His hands were buried in the pocket of his loosely fitted slacks and an easygoing aura surrounded him. His presence was unmistakable, and despite not sharing the same facial features as Seokjin, you could tell who it was.

“Taehyung?”

His eyes lit up when you said his name as his lips formed into an attractive smile. He turned to Seokjin’s secretary.

“Mina, darling,” he said languidly, but the female did not bat her mascaraed eyelashes. “Will you let us in?”

Ah, so this was the lady you spoke with on the phone when you’d initially tried to get a hold of Seokjin. She seemed less terrifying when you met her face to face; her hair is pulled back in a low ponytail and she wore minimal makeup. She looked friendlier than she sounded, why were you afraid of calling, again?

“Mr. Kim is in a meeting right now,” she busied herself with her work while she spoke. “If you’d wait a moment—”

“But Mina, baby,” Taehyung crooned, leaning over her desk perhaps a little too close. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his antics; he’s certainly quite different from how Seokjin acted. Whereas Seokjin kept himself aloof most of the time, Taehyung wore his emotions on his sleeve. Both are still unabashedly forward, nonetheless.

Mina stayed impassive, and you can tell why Seokjin hired her to guard his lair — the woman could not be cracked. You admitted to yourself that if Taehyung were to charm your pants off, you’d be completely hooked.

His efforts were rendered futile, however, when the wooden doors of Seokjin’s office opened and gave way to an ebony-haired woman. She was in the middle of securing her wool coat as her heels echoed with confidence through the marble floors, side-stepping to get around you but not before flashing you a lithe smile. The self-assurance you held before walking into the building had all but withered away.

“Taehyung.” She greeted him, but he only stared at her with an impassive gaze. “It’s nice seeing you around here.”

She headed straight to the elevators and disappeared even before you could blink.

“I didn’t think she’d be here today,” Taehyung mumbled.

“She’s the president’s daughter, right?” you asked, not bothering to remember what her name was. Taehyung nodded.

Strictly business my ass. You didn’t want to care, but your all-too-sudden sour mood said otherwise.

You push past the same wooden doors as the woman had earlier and you find Seokjin propped to his desk, hair slicked back, forehead taut in concentration as he focused on whatever was on his screen. If he’d been doing The Deed, you don’t think he’d look as put together as he currently does. That much was enough for you to relax into his leather chaise. Taehyung followed closely, opting to sit on the couch on the far side of the room.

“Future wife, how are you today?” Seokjin began, and you’re irritated slightly by his refusal to set aside whatever he was doing.

“About as well as one can be while visiting their corporate shark fiancé, Mr. Kim. You?”

Taehyung barked out a laugh from where he sat, and you patted yourself on the back. It’s the little accomplishments, you mused to yourself.

Seokjin’s head snapped at Taehyung and he gave his brother a glare that sliced through the room.

“I told you that you’re not needed here today, Taehyung.”

Taehyung ignored Seokjin, clutching his stomach as he wiped away imaginary tears. “Damn, can I be married to her instead?”

“I don’t like the idea of me being thrown around like a piece of meat for your amusement,” you deadpanned, and Taehyung straightened up quickly.

“I didn’t mean to offend, Sis. I only wanted to rile Jin up for my amusement.”

You rolled your eyes, chuckling as he gave you another million-dollar smile. Seokjin sighed as he stood, buttoning up the blazer of his suit. He picked up a manila envelope that was on the edge of his desk before rounding the table.

“You don’t have to sign today. You can take it home and read it over with a lawyer if you want.” He hands you the files before leaning back into the glass table. You shook your head as you pulled out the documents with confidence. If there had been one thing you learned from your parents, it was how to properly read official documents without glossing over important details. Legal documents often used extensive jargon, and you could easily tell they were drafted by actual lawyers. It gave you a tiny bit of relief that he wasn’t trying to scam you.

Your fingers skimmed your hotel’s name in print, somehow unable to wrap your mind around the fact that you no longer owned it. But the promise was clear in ink under commencement of your divorce: your hotel would be yours.

“Do you need one?” Your head lifted to meet Seokjin’s gaze after minutes of silence. He offered a fountain pen that glinted against the afternoon sun as he moved it closer to you. You felt a wave of emotions suddenly overwhelming you, and you blink up at him before shaking your head.

“Maybe I should look it over with a lawyer, after all,” you mumbled while giving him a timid smile. He nodded in understanding and moved back behind his desk.

“It’s no pressure at all.”

“It’s not that… I just,” you inhaled through your nose and out through your mouth. Between revealing your true feelings or lightening the mood with a banter, you chose the latter. “I just want to make sure you’re not hiding any tricks up your sleeves, Mr. Kim.”

“I’m not one to joke around with things like this, Ms. Hwang,” Seokjin said pointedly, and you frowned. Okay, not the mood I was going for.

“That’s true; he doesn’t. He’s as uptight as they come.” Taehyung quipped, rising from his comfortable spot before plopping beside you. He patted your shoulders, almost apologetically. “You’ll get used to him.”

“I highly doubt that,” you snorted, stuffing the papers back in their envelope. “I have no interest in being the CEO’s keeper.”

Taehyung peeled back from you for another belly laugh, and Seokjin rolled his eyes. “I’m right here, you know.”

Taehyung waved him off dismissively and turned back to you. “I wish we’d met under different circumstances, Y/N.”

There was a wicked gleam in Taehyung’s eyes, but you knew he was being playful rather than having malicious intent.

“Didn’t you say there was something else you wanted to talk about, V?” Seokjin’s voice was seething, which caused Taehyung’s grin to grow wider.

“Right, right,” he shifted in his seat as he whipped out his phone. “I made notes, hold on.”

“What’s this about?” you looked between the brothers with confusion.

“Apparently we did the whole ‘date’ thing wrong.” Seokjin deadpanned, rolling his eyes before he turned back to his work.

“Meaning?”

“One, lack of intimacy,” it was Taehyung who answered, and you blush at his comment. You’re reminded of how Seokjin had pulled you against him the moment you stepped out of the car.

“Going excessive on the first date would’ve made it seem disingenuous,” you pointed out, and Seokjin mumbled in agreement.

“Do you not know how Jin usually is with his former dates?” Taehyung asked, which froze Seokjin mid-type.

“I don’t make the habit of reading gossip blogs and tabloids for celebrities,” you mumbled, hoping they bought into your pretense of being calm. In your head you prayed Taehyung wouldn’t elaborate; the image of Seokjin with other women made you want to hurl your guts out. “I could honestly care less.”

“Right,” Taehyung gave you a slanted gaze, and you shrugged. “Please keep in mind to give a little bit more, next time, then.”

“Will do, Chief,” Seokjin grumbled, massaging his temples with both his hands.

“Second, no going home separately, especially since news of your engagement will hit the public this week.”

You fidgeted in your seat, the air in the room suddenly growing warmer.

“There’s a spare room in the penthouse suite,” Seokjin motioned at a door on the other side of his office with his chin. “The bathroom is always stocked with amenities in case—”

The word in case hung in the air like a thick fog, and Seokjin did not have to finish the sentence for you to figure out what he was trying to get at. The message was clear. But to be quite frank, you couldn’t care less. Right before agreeing to the arrangement, it was clear that Seokjin was that type of man, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that he would bring women to his home, which also happened to be where his office was. Yet, there was an uncomfortable prickle in your heart and your palm unintentionally raised to soothe the phantom pain.

“I’m alright with taking a spare office or something. I’ll work for a few hours then head home past midnight. That should raise enough eyebrows, right?” you hoped neither one of them noticed the slight quiver in your voice.

Taehyung must have sensed it because his voice grew quiet. “Okay, I’m sure you two will work something out. That’s it, for now. I’m going to assume the rest will come naturally.”

You had a feeling he had a longer list but opted to be sensible enough to feel your mood shift. Seokjin didn’t say anything, but the lack of clicking noises coming from his direction told you he’s not working, either. You turned, locking gazes with him, but he remained expressionless which irritated you more than you’d like to admit.

“If there’s nothing else, I’ll take my leave,” you brushed imaginary lint off your high-waisted slacks as you stood up.

“So soon?” Taehyung pouted, earning a small laugh from you. The nerves were slowly dissipating, and you were glad.

“I have a date,” you paused, gauging Seokjin’s reaction. The scowl on his face made you smirk. “With some classmates from uni. Gotta keep up with the social circle if I want occasional help with my thesis, right?”

While that was true, the dinner isn’t until three hours from now. But you had no plans to stay here a minute longer; the tense air was suffocating you.

“Don’t be a stranger, Sis.” Taehyung engulfed you in a warm hug and you patted his back, chuckling in amusement.

“See you around, Taehyung.” As you pulled away, you gave Seokjin a slanted gaze. “I’ll give the papers back as soon as I can.”

You wobbled slightly as you headed for the door, disappointed that Seokjin didn’t stop you. He didn’t even bid you farewell. You scoffed.

“Have a good afternoon, Ms. Hwang.” Mina greeted you as you made your way to the elevator. You turned back to her with a genuine smile.

“You as well.”

+++

The pulsing beat of the music had your head throbbing with pain, but you didn’t think it’d be wise to complain. Especially because you couldn’t quite look Seokjin in the eyes for reasons completely unknown to you. Or perhaps you did know, you just chose not to dwell on them.

Two days after your productive visit to Seokjin’s Tower of Terror, your calendar graciously reminded you of another date you’ve set up with him. There was supposed to be a lunch date the day prior, but due to unforeseen circumstances (more so on his part rather than yours), you both agreed to have it cancelled. He apologized, but you dismissed him and said that you forgot that your mother had asked you to visit her and your father, anyways.

(In reality, she hadn’t and was delighted you called to say you were bringing them take-outs for lunch.)

“Wednesday nights are busier than I thought,” Seokjin mused, pulling you out of your mini daydream. You looked up, which proved to be a mistake because the club’s lights flickered in a way that accentuated his features; his straight nose that’s angled between his ever-so-prominent cheekbones. His fringe was down that evening — a sight that you have not yet witnessed. It made him seem younger than his actual age; more laidback, less prim and proper. In any other given scenario, this would not disarm you, but the occasional spark of colour highlighted how close his face was from yours.

In other words, you really ought to get used to being in close proximity to him if you were to continue this ordeal.

“It’s always full of people, no matter the day.”

Seokjin’s brows furrowed as his head dipped, inching his ears closer. You knew you’d flinch away if his arm wasn’t draped around your shoulders. “What was that?”

“I said it doesn’t matter what day it is — it’s always full here,” his scent made you feel more inebriated than the alcohol you held. You found it surprising that Kim Seokjin is not much into the club scene, thinking that people like him often spend half their time wasting away

He whipped his head to meet your gaze once more, a grin forming on his lips. “Of course, you’d know.”

There was something in the tone of his voice that made you want to defend yourself. “I have a social life too, Mr. Kim.”

“I never said you didn’t. But you’re more of a designated driver type rather than the drunk, party all night type of gal. Am I right?”

Your eye twitched in annoyance. Was he really stereotyping you now?

“You don’t know the half of it, Kim Seokjin,” you mutter, unsure whether he heard you or not. But you didn’t care, and instead proceeded to finish your margarita in one chug. You set down on the glass table in front of you before peeling yourself off of him and the velvet sofa. The desire to prove you weren’t prude — despite him not saying it outright — felt greater than your sense of logic and reasoning.

You wobbled slightly as all the blood in your system rushed to your brain. But you managed to steady yourself as you turned back to Seokjin. He watched you with interest, but his lips remained sealed in a grin.

“I do like being the designated driver at times. No shame in keeping my friends safe. Am I right?” you pushed Seokjin’s shoulder with one finger until his back hit the plush sofa. There was no turning back, you realized, when your leather skirt hitched higher as you placed your knees one after the other, effectively trapping him between your thighs. Alcohol was definitely coursing through your veins as you sat on his lap.

It never occurred to you that you’d be so brazen in front of Kim Seokjin. But here you were with your cheeks flushed and heart hammering wildly against your chest, wanting so desperately to prove that his expectations of you were wrong.

“But I can also have fun without being shit-faced.” The less you think about it, the better it was for you not to get embarrassed. So, you ignore his smug, seemingly unfazed expression as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

You were convinced you’ve only got one functioning brain cell left. But if Taehyung were present to judge, you knew he would gag with approval.

“Is that so?” Seokjin played along, and you weren’t entirely shocked; the man was probably used to such endeavours on a nightly basis before your arrangement. He placed his palm against the small of your back, and instead of pulling away, you leaned closer. Being this promiscuous in private was nothing new for you, but never when you knew there were several eyes trained on you like a hawk.

“Shall we give them something to write about, fiancé?” your eyes trailed down to his lips before meeting his gaze once more. You knew he wouldn’t oppose, but you still needed his consent. He nodded with a glint of amusement in his eyes and the next thing you knew, your lips were in his. He was firm and unwavering, slightly aggressive but he damn well knew what he was doing. It felt as if he'd set your body on fire with one singular moment.

You broke away first, eyes seeing but unfocused as you heaved a sigh, lungs welcoming the sweet taste of oxygen. Seokjin chuckled as he studied you with newfound interest, surprisingly well put together compared to you.

“Are you alright?”

“Mhm,” you peeled back from him, pulling your leather skirt down in the process. “That’s probably enough to placate the onlookers.”

You looked around, but the dim lights made it hard to see beyond a few meters. Seokjin followed your actions, and you feel the familiar warmth emanating from him once more. His arm was draped around you once more, but the gesture felt natural this time around. The mere smile he gave you was enough to send butterflies drifting in your stomach. You wouldn’t dare to admit it out loud, but at least you wouldn’t have to pretend to be attracted to him.

                                      *  *  *

“Birthday?” 

“Couldn’t you have just googled this? I’m sure I have a Wikipedia page.” Seokjin said, quite peeved that you didn’t know his birthday yet, when he’d memorized yours: May 24, 1996. You gave him a deadpan look and he sighed defeatedly. “December 4.”

“Year?” 

“Seriously?” 

You said nothing, opting to dip a fry in your Oreo-flavoured ice cream instead. He wasn’t surprised when you asked to ditch the club to eat, citing that you’d puke your guts out if you didn’t get any food in your system. He didn’t think you meant McDonald’s at midnight. 

“1992.” 

“Was that so hard?” you mumbled, typing the information on your phone. “Your birthday is coming up soon.” 

“If by soon you mean two months from now, then yes.” 

“Technically, it’s the seventh today, so it’s less than two months,” you pointed out but didn’t wait for him to return the conversation. “Favourite colour?”

“Are you writing a slam book? Would you like to know who my celebrity crush is, as well?” he rolled his eyes. 

“Yes, actually. Let me guess; is it Florence Pugh? Ana de Armas? Brad Pitt? Or someone local…Jun Jihyun?” you mused. He only shook his head at your antics, convinced that you were not fully sober yet. “I’m kidding. I’m just filling out your contact information.” 

You slid your phone across the table, which landed perfectly in front of him. True to your words, most of the information was filled out: Rapunzel donned the first name, and nothing was filled out for the last name option. He chuckled but didn’t bother changing it to his actual name and proceeded to input his number. 

“That was smooth, Y/n, I must admit. You couldn’t have just asked for it straight up?” 

You shrugged. “Where’s the fun in that?” 

He handed your phone back, and moments later, his phone buzzed in his jean pockets. He opened the message — no doubt it had been from you. 

𝗂 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗌 “𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝗒 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾” ;)

Seokjin simply shook his head; it felt unfamiliar for him to be smiling so much he could feel his cheeks go numb. If he knew how amusing it would be to go on a fake-real-date with you, he would’ve asked his father to set him up with you.

Wait, what?

He turned two strides back, retrieving the steps he made. Certainly, you couldn’t have grown on him so quickly — but in reality, it felt like that for a while now, whether he wanted to admit it or not. He thought the whole ordeal with you would be cumbersome, but it’s been quite the opposite so far. He commended your tenacity to go along with any plans he’s laid out, so far.

That’s because you’re holding her hotel hostage.

To be quite frank, it would’ve been none of his business if he decided not to meddle with his father’s whims. But he’d honestly rather be divorced and have his father lash out at him than be stuck in some arrangement he didn’t want. While it’s true that he could divorce you, either way, the key was the illusion of being in love. As Taehyung kindly pointed out to him: How devastating would it be that you both fell out of love, that they won’t consider rescinding the CEO position once you have it?

The stories would circulate around the heartbreak, instead of the bluff that was his arranged marriage for the sake of saving face. 

Although now that he was sitting across from you as he watched you relentlessly dip your fried potatoes in your ice cream for the umpteenth time, the prospect of being married to you no longer felt as daunting. Especially if you were willing to make out with him on occasion as you had earlier. It wasn’t part of the contract, but he was willing to add the extra clause if you’d agree. 

“What do you have that creepy grin for, Mr. Kim Seokjin?” 

“I’m thinking of taking you home with me tonight, Ms. Hwang.” Seokjin’s satisfaction was evident in his smirk when he saw your eyes widen. He swore he saw you go through five emotions in the span of a mere second. 

“Stop teasing. It’s not funny.” 

He watched your already blushed cheeks turn a shade deeper as he chuckled. “I’m not teasing. Taehyung’s rules, remember?” 

“Oh, right,” you blinked at him blankly. “I forgot to bring my laptop with me so I can have something to work with.”

“You were serious about occupying an office space?” he gawked, brows knitted. 

“I was. I’m not sleeping over in your Mistress Suite.” You said in a monotone voice, but the indignation in your eyes told Seokjin you were more than serious — you were offended. At least he could tell that much.

“That name has a nice ring to it. Do you mind if I start calling it that, instead of just the guest room?” The pointed look you gave him made him think you were less than amused with his banter. Seokjin sighed and stood up, motioning for you to follow. “Don’t worry, no one has stayed there for two weeks.”

“I really didn’t need to know,” you grumbled. Seokjin reached out for you to take his hand. 

“I’m sure you didn’t. But I’d still like to let you know that I wouldn’t do anything that would jeopardize this arrangement.” 

That was part of the truth. The other part came in the form of his animosity towards infidelity. Seokjin genuinely hoped you didn’t think he would cheat on you during the span of your agreement. He had issues committing, yes, but he couldn’t begin to imagine inflicting such pain on another person. Not when he’s had firsthand experience on the subject.

It reassured him that there was an end to your charade, a point where he can say checkmate and the game would be over. Commitment still has to be made, for sure, but nothing that would leave him like an empty husk of his former self afterwards. No monsters under the bed, no skeletons in the closet, either.

You slid off the booth but did not take his outstretched hand, so he casually stuffed in his pocket. You were setting your limits, and he had to respect that. Perhaps the silly extra clause he thought of will not be a necessity, after all.

NEXT ;

thanks for reading this chapter. feedback is always appreciated! ♡

[darkarfs]

This is gonna make so many horrible people unhappy. EVERY Takeover has had at least one match-of-the-year candidate on it. Some of the most emotional moments in that brand have come from cards that even aren't quite as good. I even considered not doing this list, because, by all accounts, NXT Takeover: Tampa isn't even going ahead. But then I thought, fuck it, let's celebrate, taken all together, for my taste, the best wrestling product in the history of mankind. It's not just moves; it's emotional investment, sharply-focused, character-based storytelling, intricately-performed spectactle from the greatest physical specimens ever to lace their boots. It FINALLY legitimized Western women's wrestling in the mainstream (Michelle McCool, Trish, Molly, Mickie, Jazz, Victoria, you all were stunning performers in your own right, but you and your kind were, until NXT, only given 3 minutes: the longest women's match IN HISTORY, until 'Mania 32, was Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James at Wrestlemania 22, and it got 9 minutes.), it's got some of the greatest tag wrestling ever seen on ANY brand, it's created the longest-drawn storytelling ever, it's the best of the indies, the best of the WWE, wrapped up in a sequence of shows that were epic without being FIVE FUCKING HOURS LONG.

Where do I even start...?

Honorable mention: Takeover: R Evolution (I have to, because I've only got 10) Sami Zayn spends over a year, clawing and sweating and tearing walls down, just to get to the top of the mountain in NXT. He has the opportunity to cheat, but does it his OWN way, as beautiful, unique babyface Sami Zayn...before being no-scoped by his best friend, who debuted THAT NIGHT. The undercard isn't as strong, so I can't officially include it, but this payoff, this triumph, and this tragedy represents everything the first era of NXT was, and kickstarted it, truly, onto its first golden era. So, properly, then...

10. Takeover: Rival If you leave this list feeling like the title reigns, and thus, ERAS, of Zayn/Owens are a little under-represented by it, I completely understand. After all, so much good came from that time. American Alpha soldifying themselves as the dominant tag team, the Iron-Woman match between Sasha and Bayley, Becky Lynch putting all the pieces together, Enzo and Cass actually being GOOD...it was, still, at its heart, a developmental brand at that time. It had indie megastars, yes, but it also had the likes of Bull Dempsey. And that's not a dig at Bull Dempsey, it's just that those early Takeovers were an eclectic mix of skill levels, which is what NXT was at that time. It was a place to showcase these people. That said, some of these cards were truly *fantastic.* Case in point: Takeover: Rival. Not only was the undercard completely stacked (Hideo Itami vs. Tyler Breeze over-delivered; we had the first and still SOMEHOW ONLY Fatal 4-Way match between the Four Horsewomen; and Finn Balor vs. Neville was a solid match of the year candidate), but the main event was the first step in one of the most storied rivalries in the history of wrestling: Zayn vs. Owens. The video package is one of the best NXT ever did, and the match...was a masterpiece of simple-but unexpected booking. Zayn mistimes a leap to the outside, hits his head, and Owens responds by powerbombing him over...and over...and over again, until the ref stops the match. Zayn loses nothing, because he was never pinned, Owens is made to look even MORE the loathsome monster, and Zayn's title reign ends after just a month, without the champion nor the championship devalued in any way. It showed that NXT knew, even then, how to reward fans for their emotional investment.

9. Takeover: Portland Right now, NXT feels like it's approaching the very end of a special time in its life. Like it's on the verge of hitting critical mass. One of either Gargano or Ciampa probably leaving the company after the next Takeover, and the reign of the Undisputed Era seems to be crumbling, too. In yesteryear, this would indicate a raft of very important call-ups, neccessitating a shift in the roster and a period of calm centered around more patient character-building. NXT's existence now as a third brand throws that formula into uncertainty, but it definitely feels like they're ramping up to a finale, because goddamn, this is NXT almost at a point of self-parody. Every match is so. MUCH. Lee/Dijakovic is the pinnacle of HOT wrestling (and Lee, will you marry me?) Bianca Belair breaks out as an actual superstar...just as Charlotte decides to visit and to ruin everything, which is just dreadful timing. Gargano/Balor being everything we need it to be, and also Balor pinning Gargano with his fucking dick. And the Broserweights being VERY DUMB...but also VERY, VERY GOOD. The only thing that lets this card down...and this is obviously subjective...is that NXT has almost come TOO FAR, now, in its delivery on its main events, in that every kickout starts to beggar belief. On the level of Triple H/Undertaker at Wrestlemania 28, in that I still love it, but...hoo, it can be exhausting. Depends on how much Ring of Honor you like in your gumbo, I guess, but it feels like everyone on the roster is racing toward Tampa to explode, like a wrestling Crisis on Infinite Earths, and then MAYBE...things can calm down. Just a hair. Y'know, if Tampa even...still happens.

8. Takeover: Philadelphia If there's one man that's become synonymous with NXT, it's Johnny fucking Wrestling. You know, what would happen if a meerkat put on muscle mass and became the best set-piece wrestler this side of Daniel Bryan. We knew since he started his tag team with Tommaso Ciampa that he was an exceptional wrestler, but it wasn't until Philadelphia, and his INSANE match with Andrade "Cien" Almas, that we saw him as truly the industry's next star. It was the first Takeover match to go over 30 minutes (Sasha/Bayley at Respect went EXACTLY 30, don't @ me), it was the first NXT match to get 5 stars from Dave Meltzer (if that matters to you), and it set a new bar for Takeover main events. And while the undercard doesn't live up to it, it's still loaded with excellent matches. A.O.P. vs. the Undisputed Era is something special. Shayna Baszler makes her Takeover debut, and while she's nowhere near her prime, it cemented her immediately. Velveteen Dream and Kassius Ohno have a very fun match, and Aleister Black and Adam Cole have a ludcriously stupid no-holds-barred match, featuring two men doing with chairs what no one ought to do with chairs. But as good as all of that is, it's really a one match show, but what a match, and Ciampa ending it by being an utter bastard yet again.

7. Takeover: Brooklyn I Does the first Brooklyn Takeover feature Canadian Destroyers, 18 kick-outs and "fight forever" chants? It does not. Does it create moments of wrestling happiness that are rarely, if ever, replicated? It sure does. Firstly, Blue Pants appears and helps the Vaudevillains defeat Blake and Murphy. Seems quaint to look back on it, but it made everyone SO goddamn HAPPY that night. If you're forgetting, Leva Bates (that wrestling librarian in AEW right now) was once a comedy jobber in NXT, who wore Blue Pants. Adorable. Ignore what happened on the main roster (which is something you'll probably have to do with a lot of these shows, I imagine), but the Vaudevillains were once incredibly over (I promise!), and their win was one of several beam-inducing moments from this stellar night. Samoa Joe destroyed Baron Corbin at the height of his game, Apollo Crews debuted brilliantly (again, ignore what happens next!) and Balor and Owens' ladder match was also fantastic. Also, what's Jushin Thunder Liger doing here?? Wrestling like he's in his early 30s, that's goddamn what!! But of course, the reason we're all here is Sasha Banks vs. Bayley, and...there's still something in my eye. Anytime people want to rag on NXT for being "predictable," remind them that giving the people a moment they've genuinely prayed for...is a good thing. Bayley besting Sasha Banks at her prime just made us all...so happy. All of us. Everyone. When that curtain call took place, it was so earned. The narrative of women's wrestling dominated most of 2015, and this moment, this match, was the apex of that narrative.

6. Takeover: Chicago I And speaking of feelings...hello, Ciampa, you godless fuck. And so begins maybe the actual greatest rivalry in all of NXT. It is truly an odyessy, with twists, turns, injuries, betrayals, wounds torn open, and this is the nexus point. Well, the seeds had already sort of been planted, because Triple H knows what he's doing. Ciampa almost ALMOST turns on Gargano after their terrific match in the Cruiserweight Classic, only for the team to die another day...and what a death it was. After a great ladder match, the two stand atop the ramp, and you think "will it happen?" And the absolute bastards show you the copyright logo, just to make you think the show ends there, because it always does, seconds after that happens. You unclench, you breathe out, relax...Ciampa whispers "this is MY moment" and then...It is a perfectly engineered bait-and-switch, and exactly as vicious as it needs to be. Pats on the back, all 'round. This moment alone makes this a worthwhile Takeover, but there's also a hell of an undercard. The women's triple-threat (Ruby Riott vs. Asuka vs. Nikki Cross) is stellar, Bobby Roode and Hideo Itami have their respective best Takeover matches ever, and then there was Tyler Bate vs. Pete Dunne. An absolute show-stealer of a match, a star-making performance for both men (especially Dunne), it cemented the career of several men, and was a fully-formed GREAT show, as opposed to a good show in service to a storyline.

5. Takeover: Brooklyn IV Gargano and Ciampa's battle of brotherhood, betrayal and brainwashing was supposed to blow off at Takeover: New York, but because God hates necks, Tomato Champion was out of action, making this the final singles encounter to date, until Tampa (again, IF it even happens). This is the weakest of their 3 excellent encounters (which still makes it better than any match over SummerSlam weekend), but it also features Johnny Stupid running into a speaker, because his dumb ass can't seem to quit Ciampa. It's one of the greatest long-form feuds for a reason, mirroring Bret and Owen from 1993 into 1994, with all the repeated imagery, the callbacks, the nuances, the psychological cruelty. The street fight at Chicago II is MAYBE better, but this undercard, for me, is a lot stronger. It featured the Undisputed Era vs. Moustache Mountain, aka the Brothers Shithead vs. the Proud Circus Bear and His Beautiful Son. Velveteen Dream vs. EC3 was the closest NXT got to WWE-style storytelling and was still brilliant (remember when EC3 wrestled?), and HEY, wouldn't you know it, Kairi Sane was once a character with dimensions, as evidenced by an amazing match with Shayna Bazsler. But what makes this undercard truly stellar is Adam Cole vs. Ricochet. It is so nice to see Ricochet used well, etc., but I will still never stop pissing myself at Cole nailing him square in the jaw with a superkick WHILE HE'S MID-MOONSAULT UPSIDE-DOWN SWEET JESUS. Sometimes...sometimes...things fall exactly into place.

4. Takeover: WarGames (2018) The WarGames Takeovers are just so silly. It's a silly shoebox, filled with huge, silly men who only barely know why they're killing each other. It's as close as we ever get to WWE's now-terminal problem of "set aside whatever feuds you have right now, because it's Stipulation Month!" (see: Hell In a Cell, most Money In the Bank shows, though Elimination Chamber largely sidesteps this). The other Shoebox Takeovers are really good, no doubt, but this one stands head-and-shoulders above the rest. But there is not a bad match on this card. Kassius Ohno rides Matt Riddle's knee all the way to heaven; NXT shows why 2-out-of-3-falls is fast becoming its signature stipulation with the excellent blowoff between Sane/Baszler; Sexy Mindgames Prince had a star-making match against Tommaso Ciampa, showing why he may be the best overall character in NXT right now, and sweet lord, Aleister Black vs. Johnny Wrestling. It somehow showed that Gargano was JUST AS, if NOT MORE engaging as a dirtbag than as a good guy. And those Black Masses are presents just for me, a guy who tends to like more community theater in his wrestling than flips ("I ABSOLVE YOU...OF ALL YOUR SINS!"). And then we get to the Shoebox, and gosh it's silly! The Viking Experience, Ricochet and Pete Dunne take on the Undisputed Era, and...its a fucking LOT. 45 minutes of spots and smashing, with just a sprinkling of story, with Fish locking Dunne in his cage so he can't participate in the match. Since this seems to be what this match is designed for...let's rattle off some spots! Ricochet, jumping from one ring to the other! That amazing face-off that recreates the Captain America: Civil War poster! Perhaps the beefiest Tower of Doom in all of wrestling! And then Ricochet proving just how amazing he is...with the double moonsault off the top of the cage. What a stupid thing to do in an amazing, amazing show.

3. Takeover: Dallas I get it; a lot of people might not rank this Takeover quite so high. But it might be my actual personal favorite...? Overall...? More than any other Takeover, this show feels the most like it's filled with living, breathing superheroes. Many NXT stars are seen as just indie guys whose only gimmick is "I'm a very good wrestler," making them almost anti-WWE at the core. But NXT doesn't get enough credit for being, at its core, the best aspects of WWE. The showmanship, the things that elevate mere wrestlers to things like monsters, gods, and demons. I will always like my NXT WWE-style: the best wrestling cut with the most theater, the most camp. And Dallas is that concept, writ large. Baron Corbin coming out with lil' skulls on his shoulders. American Alpha finally becoming Super Saiyan Nerds. Asuka killing our hero, because Bayley is a person, and Asuka is a goddess who can perform brain surgery with her feet. Finn Balor coming out and going actual Texas Chainsaw Massacre on Samoa Joe. It's excellent wrestling, near-mythic visuals...and then we get to Nakamura/Zayn. The most special moment of a very special night. It is, from nearly every perspective, perfect. The hype of the crowd, salivating with anticipation. That moment when Nakamura appears in silhouette, and that violin note slides like a knife across steel, to reveal the man who set New Japan aflame. Sami Zayn getting the best possible swan song in a promotion built almost entirely on HIS back. The end of his era. That bit where they just KEEP PUNCHING ONE ANOTHER. I know it's not a perfect show (Balor/Joe stops for 3 minutes to address a cut on Joe's forehead, stalling its momentum; that Corbin/Ares match isn't as good as it could be) but that all means nothing. It's a sentimental choice, and I'd make it #1 if I could.

2. Takeover: New Orleans I went around and around in my head, and this one and #1 kept jockeying for position in my brain. But these top two Takeovers are literally note-perfect, from ship to shore, soup to nuts, top to tails. So if this is YOUR favorite? (Honestly, maybe 1 person I know who loves wrestling as much as I do will even see this mess). I'm here for you, and I understand. But this show has TWO 5-star matches from the Wrestling Observer, and I don't ever agree with that. In this case, I agree with BOTH, in the North American Championship ladder match, and the first (and so far, BEST) match in the Gargano/Ciampa feud. Everything. Is. Amazing. Shayna Bazsler became Women's Champion after BEAST-MODING her SHOULDER back INTO IT'S SOCKET to show that, YES, she gets pro-wrestling. Roderick Strong shocked the world (and the System) by joining the Undisputed Era and becoming the final Chaos Emerald needed to make that stable Super Sonic. Aleister Black took the championship from Andrade "Cien" Almas and SMILED, I fucking SAW IT! And it all depends on what you want from your wrestling, but Gargs/Tamps might actually be the best main event in Takeover history, at least from a storytelling standpoint. The crutch, the neckbrace. Each man going back to their DIY roots (the tag team - they didn't build another ring when that one broke), and then sitting side-by-side, like they did at the Cruiserweight Classic. Brothers. Completely spent. Destroyed. No one but each other. And then Ciampa shits any chance at redemption up the goddamn wall, cementing his own destruction. Every. Bit. Counts.

and #1...

Takeover: New York For a whole bunch of other wrestling fans, this has the greatest main event in Takeover history. But first, let's take a minute to appreciate how lucky we are, or were, that NXT exists. It justfies the existence of WWE, artistically, almost by itself. If this one's only slightly worse than New Orleans, it is argued, it's that the North American title ladder match was TOO good, and hurt every other match on the card. It has been argued. Not by me, but this one is somehow the most perfectly paced, perfectly sized wrestling card, on its own, ever. Every match, through alchemy or magic, manages to enthrall the crowd equally, and completely. The Viking Raiders vs. Grumpy Smaller Undertaker and the Human Pinball was off the hook incredible, and that warm "thank you" feeling has translated, currently to a man trapped in a room and a man trapped in Vince McMahon's scorn for smaller wrestlers, respectively. Matt Riddle and Velveteen Dream put on an absolute fantasy match, pitting the best of MMA vs. the best of WWE-style theatricality, and adds to the complete, demented character-world of this brand, and the fact that Dream WINS against one of the hottest new prospects is so deserved, and shows that he can, and will, shine forever brighter. Then AAAAGH WALTER vs. Pete Dunne! WALTER LAYS into poor Dunne, his chops alone having you believe that after the match, he's going to run into the arena's parking lot to FIGHT THE CARS. Then Shirai vs. Baszler vs. Sane vs. Belair and goddammit how do I even expound on that without crashing thesarus.com? And then Johnny Gargano and Adam Cole wrestled for. 40. MINUTES. With Gargano as the defacto heel because it was allegedly Cole's time. And by the match's end, he had the crowd more behind him than maybe they ever had been before. Is it a bit much? Yes. Too many kickouts? Probably. But it stands as the apex of Johnny Wrestling's journey. After everything had been taken from him: DIY, his health, his sanity, even his chance at revenge...the only thing he has left is the NXT Championship. And in that moment, he is invincible, he is more than enough.

What a show. What a host of shows.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

[mst3kproject]

Night of the Ghouls

Night of the Ghouls is a film with a troubled history.  It was intended as the sequel to Bride of the Monster, and it includes some familiar faces such as Paul Marco as Officer Kelton and Tor Johnson returning as Lobo.  Apparently Ed Wood shot it and sent it to be developed, but the people at the lab (perhaps wisely) wouldn’t let him pick it up until he’d paid for it in full.  He couldn’t afford that, so it just sat there accruing late fees until producer Wade Williams came across it and decided to release it on video in 1984.  I don’t know why, but it seems oddly fitting that a lost Ed Wood movie should be rescued by a guy who is almost, but not quite, Deadpool.

Lieutenant Bradford is forced to cancel a date so he can investigate renewed weird goings-on at the Old House on Willows Lake. Somebody seems to have rebuilt the place after lightning burned it down and destroyed Dr. Vornoff’s monsters, and the new old house is haunted by two ghosts; a woman a torn white gown, and another in a crown and black veil.  When Bradford arrives, he meets Dr. Acula (subtle), psychic for hire.  If you’ve lost a loved one, he’ll get you back in touch – for a price, of course!  Bradford thinks it smells like a con, and he’s right… mostly.  Not all of Acula’s ghosts are fake, and they’re not happy about being used for a scheme, either!

While all this goes on indoors, outside Officer Kelton is cowering in his car and shooting at ghosts.  I think this is supposed to be comic relief, but it is neither.

Night of the Ghouls gets off to a pretty slow start.  It begins with a series of confusing events involving an elderly couple’s ghostly encounter and the beginning of the police investigation into it.  Bradford and the chief have one of those uniquely Ed Wood conversations in which there are a lot of words but very little information actually reaches the audience.  Once Bradford, still in his tuxedo, heads out to the New Old House, things pick up quite nicely.

I’m not entirely sure how this works, because stuff goes on happening very slowly.  The stupid séance Acula holds in his basement lasts forever.  Bradford sneaks off to look around the house and finds nothing of any importance, while Kelton tries desperately to summon help and nobody at the police station believes him.  The direction remains quite dull, mostly just static shots of people talking to each other.  It ought to be boring, but it’s not.

Partly this is because each scene is full of little events that are actually pretty funny.  The séance in particular is a real hoot, with a trumpet floating in the air and a guy in a bedsheet dancing around to bizarre sound effects.  The living people sit down the left side of the table, across from a line of skeletons in wigs that are never explained. Bradford opens a door and finds a mysterious woman who smiles creepily and beckons to him – he flees, and we never find out what that was all about, either.

Mostly, however, what saves the movie is the fact that there is a story going on, and once it gets started it’s a very straightforward one.  Acula is presenting himself as a psychic in a haunted house.  We quickly learn that he’s actually a shyster and the ‘white lady’ is his girlfriend Sheila in a gown and makeup.  The ghost of a woman’s husband appears, advising her to re-marry – her new boyfriend, who wants her money, has paid Acula to make it happen. We know who the good guys are and why, and we know who the bad guys are and why, and we’re eager to see how it all plays out.

The ending is a surprise, but unusually for an Ed Wood movie you don’t see it coming.  I had noticed that the ‘black lady’, the ghost in the crown and veil, had never been mentioned by Acula – Kelton shoots at her with no effect, and Sheila is afraid of her.  All the signs point to her being a real ghost who isn’t happy with people intruding on her eternal unrest.  Surely Acula is going to end up like the inevitable kissing teenagers at the beginning of the film, strangled and left in the woods.

But that’s not what happens.  The ghosts of the people Acula has been pretending to summon appear instead, and lock him in a coffin to suffocate in revenge for him using their names to bilk their living relatives!  And you know what?  It works.

In The Screaming Skull, Marion’s ghost appearing at the end came out of nowhere, and while it was nice to see her speak for herself, we’re kind of expecting it to be just another trick. So far, all the ghostliness in this movie has been fake, so why should a real ghost suddenly intrude?  In Night of the Ghouls, we have seen a real ghost, one who is obviously different from Acula’s fake ones, so the vengeful spirits at the end aren’t completely out of left field.  And like Marion, these ghosts have a reason to be angry at their target.  They’ve been used, the living have suffered, and they’re mad about it.  It’s also nicely ironic that Acula, who doesn’t actually believe in ghosts, is killed by them.

Which is not to say that the ‘black lady’ doesn’t get her moment, too.  If she never did anything in the end, I’d have been annoyed, but she gets to take care of Sheila.  Having spent half the film terrified of ghosts, Sheila ends up becoming one. It’s not quite as satisfying as Acula’s death but it still works pretty well.

There’s other surprisingly good stuff going on here, too.  For an Ed Wood movie, Night of the Ghouls makes some admirable attempts at continuity. The story doesn’t really have anything to do with Bride of the Monster, but it clearly positions itself in the same world a few years later.  They account for the fact that the house burned down in Bride of the Monster by explaining that Acula had it rebuilt, and half of Lobo’s face is scarred from that fire.  Bradford spends so much time thinking about his prior investigation and comparing what he sees now to what he saw then, we almost forget he wasn’t actually in the previous movie.  The reason Acula set up shop where he did is because the thing with Dr. Vornoff and his monsters means the location comes with pre-existing spoop.

The effects are not good, but there’s nothing nearly as pathetic as the lifeless rubber octopus from Bride of the Monster, and in a way the badness works to the movie’s advantage.  The floating instruments and sheet-clad specters in Acula’s séance are supposed to look fake, because they are.  The two ghosts, the black and white ladies, actually look kind of spooky, but we cannot tell until we’re told which of them is real and which is fake, so that’s a nice way of keeping us hanging.  The ‘storm’ effects are standard for the period.

Honestly, the worst thing in Night of the Ghouls isn’t any of the usual Ed Wood suspects.  The actors are pretty bad but the only obnoxiously terrible one is Paul Marco as Kelton.  There’s nothing to compare to the bizarre scene with the captain and his bird from Bride of the Monster or the pie pan saucers from Plan Nine from Outer Space.  Once we’re through the opening scene, the dialogue is mostly free of blinding idiocy.  No, the worst thing in Night of the Ghouls is the narrator.

We’ve been through a number of movies together that have a deep and portentous fifties man voice trying to clarify (or, in the case of Beast of Yucca Flats, obfuscate) the events.  Night of the Ghouls goes a step further and actually introduces us to the man telling the story, and he, too, is a familiar face – it’s Criswell!

You’ve met Criswell if you’ve ever seen Plan 9 from Outer Space, which opened with him sitting at a desk giving a rambling speech about how future events like these will affect you in the future (Joel sent this up with the ‘KTLA Predicts!’ sketch in War of the Colossal Beast).  Night of the Ghouls is the same idea, but even more so.  Criswell is introduced not behind a table, but sitting up from lying in a coffin, and his nonsensical speech goes on in intermittent voiceovers throughout the movie.  It’s not quite as incoherent as The Beast of Yucca Flats but at times it comes damned close.  Elsewhere we get Bradford’s inner monologue, which is another step up the relevance scale… but still not quite there.

Ed Wood made several movies about how crime doesn’t pay, and Night of the Ghouls can definitely be considered one of those. It is also, however, a film about respect, not just for the living but for the dead.  Acula does not respect the living, as he tells them lies and cheats them of their money.  He also does not respect the dead, putting words in their mouths and using them as tools in his scheme.  At the end, both groups are closing in on him.  He believes he has outwitted the living, the policemen and his victims, but at the last moment it is the dead who take their bloody revenge.

I had a pretty good time watching Night of the Ghouls.  Each of Ed Wood’s movies is rather charming in its own idiosyncratic way, but this is the one that probably comes closest to being good.  It doesn’t quite make it, of course, but the effects are as good as they need to be and the story mostly makes sense, and for an Ed Wood film that’s high praise.  As a bonus, it’s the rare sequel that you can understand without having had to see the original first!

[navpike]

Situational Awareness

Steve McGarrett has a soulmark from the moment he’s born. He has a mark that his dad covers up when he’s a baby, an ugly black thing in the shape of knuckles splayed across his cheekbone. Danny Williams gets his mark a few months after he’s born. There’s a black smear across the back of his hand and down two fingers and Danny dreams of the day his soulmate will touch him for the first time and set the mark alight with color.

Steve McGarrett grows up hating his soulmark, Danny Williams dreams of the day he'll meet his soulmate. Somehow, against all odds, they find each other.

(for @naikia, whomst i owe my entire soul)

[on ao3]   [buy me a coffee?]

Steve McGarrett has a soulmark from the moment he’s born. He has a mark that his dad covers up when he’s a baby, an ugly black smear in the shape of knuckles splayed across his cheekbone.

His dad tells him it’s so people won’t ask questions, when he covers up the mark for Steve. By the time he’s old enough to cover it up on his own, though, Steve knows what it really is, without anyone having to say it. His dad covers up the mark because it’s ugly, because it means that the first time his soulmate touches him it will be angrily, because he’s not good enough for someone to really love. Even his soulmate won’t like him.

He never forgets to cover up his mark, even after his mom dies and his dad sends him away, even when he’s so consumed with grief that he can barely function, even then, he never forgets to cover it up.

When the day comes that Steve finally graduates from Annapolis, when he finally accepts his commission and ships off to BUD/S, he throws away what remains of the face paint he uses to cover the mark.

The first day of BUD/S is the first day Steve ever lets someone who isn’t his parents see his soulmark.

A couple of the guys make jokes about it, speculating wildly about what Steve’ll do to get his soulmate to deck him like that, and he wants to shrink away from the whole conversation, wants the floor to open up and swallow him whole so he can get away from this, but he doesn’t even so much as flinch. To do that would be to show weakness, and Steve refuses to so much as waver.

Later, he hears Freddie Hart mutter at the other guys, “What if that’s not the first time his soulmate’ll hit him? Have some basic fuckin’ decency, you don’t know what he’s gonna go through.”

After that, the other guys still get on his case about anything and everything else, but no one ever dares mention his soulmark again, and Steve decides he’d do just about anything to protect Freddie Hart.

Freddie becomes more like a brother than Steve ever knew someone could. Freddie is the one at Steve’s side when a man they’re interrogating starts making digs at Steve’s mark, jeering, “What kind of bitch would let a woman lay hands on him like that? How’d they even let someone like you in?”. Freddie is the one who looks the other way when Steve gives the man a set of bruises to mirror his mark.

Freddie is the one who takes Steve aside after they’ve gotten what they need,  who checks that Steve’s okay. Freddie is the one that tells Steve that he knows Steve will survive whatever his soulmate throws at him, that there’s nothing else Steve McGarrett could do, and that that makes him all that much stronger. Freddie is the one who helps Steve learn to bear his mark with pride instead of the shame he’s been carrying it with for years.

And Steve?

Steve is the one who gets Freddie killed.

Steve kind of hates himself for that.

~*~

Danny Williams gets his mark a few months after he’s born.

There’s a black smear across the back of his hand and down two fingers and Danny dreams of the day his soulmate will touch him for the first time and set the mark alight with color. He watches as his mom washes the dishes, watches the redpurpleorange swirled together in the mark on her wrist from where his dad had touched her for the first time. He thinks of meeting his soulmate the way his parents met, how they ran into each other, and his dad grabbed his mom to keep her upright, how they had known from just that moment that it was something real. Love at first sight.

His sisters tease him for it and Matty gets on his case like nobody’s business, for the way he dreams about meeting his soulmate. Matty says he’s being a girl. Bridget and Stella ask him why he seems more excited to meet his soulmate than even they are. His siblings tease him endlessly.

By the time he’s a teenager, he learns not to talk about it. He learns to keep that daydream to himself, because other kids can be ruthless, but he never lets go of it completely. He still finds himself drifting off each night to the idea of someone trailing their fingers down his hand, of his mark coming to life in a brilliant shock of colors. He imagines a soft smile and kind eyes and a feeling of home.

He knows that not everyone finds their soulmate. He knows the mark on his hand could stay dark forever. He knows that some people find their soulmate only to find out that their bond is nothing more than platonic.

He knows any number of things could happen.

He still hopes and daydreams.

His sisters find their soulmates fresh out of high school.

Matty doesn’t have a mark at all and he doesn’t care.

Danny is left wondering, and it’s wildly disheartening. He’s not that old but there’s this sense that he’s never going to find this person who should be such a big part of him and his life.

So when a pretty British lady with no visible mark and a very cute accent rear-ends him, he asks her out to dinner. Dinner turns into a second date, turns into a third, turns into more and suddenly he’s married to someone who isn’t his soulmate and has a daughter with her and it’s not the fantasy he had in his head as a kid, but Grace is the greatest goddamn thing that’s ever happened to him, so he’s sure as hell not going to complain.

That is until Rachel finds her soulmate and leaves Danny for that tool and takes his Gracie, the one completely good thing in his life, five thousand goddamn miles away from him.

Right then, he hates Rachel more than he’s ever hated anyone in his life.

Still, because he can handle losing Rachel, but he cannot handle losing his daughter, he packs up his entire life and he moves to a rock in the middle of the Pacific, where the only people he knows are his daughter, his ex-wife and his ex-wife’s newly found soulmate, Stan.

He would say he’s trying to make the best of it, but he’s really just trying to be bitter, because he thinks he’s earned the goddamn right.

~*~

Steve does not know what to make of Detective Danny Williams of the Honolulu Police Department, but he does know that he likes the way that Danny fills out his shirt.

That’s an issue, obviously, but Steve doesn’t let Danny know that it’s an issue.

Instead, he pulls his gun, and sneers at Danny’s stupid tie in the Hawai’i heat, and yells to try to get this feeling out, and pointedly ignores the way that Danny’s eyes flick to the black mark on his cheek.

He is not upset by the way Danny’s lip curls. He’s not.

~*~

He doesn’t know what he’s thinking, getting Danny reassigned to his shiny brand new task force.

He really doesn’t know what he’s thinking or what he’s doing or why he’s doing it or what he’s thinking.

But he does it, because he needs fresh eyes and there’s something drawing him to Danny that he can’t explain.

And because he’s like a magnet for bad luck, because he hurts everyone around him, because he is no good for anyone, he gets Danny shot. Danny goes down and for a long moment, Steve doesn’t see Danny. He doesn’t see Danny, he sees Freddie Hart and his heart fucking shatters in his chest just thinking about that. He has to take a split second to collect himself, to get back the air that was punched out of his chest, and then he’s off after their suspect.

Danny shoots the suspect in the head after that, and if Steve weren’t so busy being angry that they’ve just lost their only lead, Steve would be busy noticing how hot that look on Danny’s face is. As it is though, they have just lost their only lead to his father’s killer and Steve is royally pissed, so he is pointedly not noticing that.

Instead, he goes back into the house and finds a girl locked away, caged like she’s not human, and her eyes fix on Steve’s soulmark and he fumbles to a halt, crouched in front of her.

In what he hopes is the right language, he tells her, “You’re safe now, I won’t hurt you, I promise.”

She reaches out and gently touches Steve’s mark, the barest brush of fingers, and Steve can’t help the minute flinch back he makes.

“You’re going to be hurt?” she asks and Steve takes a breath and lets it out slowly, before nodding.

“I will be, and I have gotten hurt before, and I know it’s scary, but you will be okay. It will be okay again, one day. Will you let me help you?” he asks, the slightest tremor in his voice. He’d be embarrassed about it in any other situation, but not this one. He can’t be bothered now, not when the girl is letting him take her hand and help her out of this hellhole.

He gets her safely to an officer and lets himself just feel good about that for a minute, before he has to consider his next move. He’s almost feeling like he’s in a decent place to move forward, when Danny Fucking Williams crowds into his space, poking his finger into Steve’s face, and yelling and yelling and yelling.

Steve gives him a warning and he doesn’t listen to it, so Steve grabs the fingers Danny has shoved in his face and uses them to wrench Danny’s arm behind his back. He warns Danny again, and tells Danny that they don’t have to like each other, they just have to work together, and he feels a weird sort of buzzing feeling where he’s touching Danny that he ignores in favor of releasing Danny so that he can get back to working.

Steve doesn’t even have time to steady himself after shoving Danny away before he’s reeling from a vicious punch to the face. It doesn’t feel like a normal hit, either.

There’s a warmth spreading back from the point of contact, across his face and down into his bones and he thinks, oh. Danny’s my soulmate.

At the same time, Danny bites out, “You’re right. I don’t like you.” and he stalks away from Steve.

Steve claps a hand over his cheek and flees the scene after Danny, in what is certainly a very suspicious manner, and he speeds to the store and then he speeds home and avoids every mirror in the whole house and passes out still in his clothes from the day.

The next morning, he showers and gets dressed, and forces himself to examine the damage.

The mark on his face is a kaleidoscope of beautiful deep blues and purples, with shocks of fiery reds and oranges mixed in and it’s so stunningly gorgeous that Steve has to tear his eyes away from it after a second. Danny hadn’t given any indication of feeling anything, yesterday, and Steve hadn’t seen a mark on him. Not to mention his rather blatant statement of dislike for Steve. It must be an Abstract Bond, then, a bond only half formed. A disconnect between soulmates, where only one of them feels the connection.

Bitterly, Steve thinks that it’s probably because he’s so fucked up, because he’s so dysfunctional, because he’s so irreversibly damaged that he doesn’t deserve a soulmate. Then, for a split second he thinks maybe it’s Danny’s fault, but he tamps that down quickly. No way this is Danny’s fault. It must be his own.

And if it’s Steve’s fault, not Danny’s, there’s no way he’s going to let Danny bear any guilt for it. There’s no way he’s going to chance Danny feeling obligated to stick around with Steve just because Steve got stuck with half an Abstract Bond.

So, Steve pulls out the small pot and brush he’d hastily purchased at the store the day before, and, with skills he hasn’t used in years, he expertly covers his mark, until it’s a solid black thing again, no longer alight with extraordinary color. This is what he was destined for, probably. He should have been born without a mark.

It would have been less painful than this.

He lets himself wallow for five minutes, and then he screws the lid back on the little pot and tucks it and the brush away under the sink, and he goes to work.

He finds that he does not hate Danny, as much as he wants to. He finds that Danny does not hate him, not really, even though that would’ve made this all so much easier. He finds they work well together, actually, him and Danny, and Chin and Kono. He finds himself with a task force, a unit made up of his equals, that he can lead and be lead by. He finds he’s really excited to get started on this. The Coast Guard will fish Hesse’s body out of the harbor, and he will finally get to see that bastard put in the ground and he will have a new team at his side for all of it and he is excited.

And then he gets to their new office, and sees Danny staring at his hands. Steve’s heart sinks in his chest a little when he gets there and he sees Danny’s mark, vibrant as Danny himself is, spread across the back of his hand.

“You met your soulmate?” Steve asks, and he only just succeeds in keeping the tremor from his voice.

Danny covers the mark with his other hand. “I must’ve brushed up against them in all the chaos that’s been the last couple days. I didn’t even really notice it until I was packing up all my stuff at the station to move it over here. How’s that for situational awareness?” Danny jokes, and he actually seems to be a little amused by the situation, so Steve forces a smile to his face and hopes it doesn’t look as much like a grimace as it feels like.

He thinks he mostly succeeds, but he’s not taking chances, so he lets out what he hopes is a laugh, and excuses himself to his office and devotes too long to organizing his things and then goes home and swims until he thinks he’ll stop breathing if he keeps going. He showers, and he scrapes off the last remains of the cover-up paint, and he goes to bed.

He does not dream of Danny.

He does not.

(He does. He dreams of Danny and it’s such a nice dream, full of indulgences Steve has hardly let cross his mind before, and unadulterated happiness, in a way Steve has never felt. When he wakes up, and is hit with the realization that none of that can ever be real, Steve actually thinks he might cry. Instead, he runs for five miles and goes into work late, claiming a personal matter when Chin asks what kept him.

He does not look into Danny’s office to try to get a glimpse of Danny’s soul mark.

He really doesn’t.

He’s not that much of a masochist.)

~*~

He and Danny continue to work together. Danny is a very tactile person. Danny is, in particular, very tactile with their team, and even more so with Steve. There’s an electricity that crackles across his skin every time Danny touches him that sets a feeling simmering in his gut that he has to tamp down viciously in order to continue functioning like a normal human being. He invests a serious amount of effort into ignoring the way Danny makes him feel, ignoring the twisting, writhing thing that’s settled in his chest. It wraps itself around his ribs and pushes and presses and pulls at them, it constricts his heart and lungs and makes it hard to breathe every time he thinks about Danny. Steve knows it’s the bond, trying to get him to accept it, to accept Danny, just like he knows it’ll never actually happen because he’s got too much baggage. He’s damaged goods. He’s not worth Danny Williams.

It’s a physical ache, watching Danny search for his soulmate. Danny goes over the days he could’ve met his soulmate whenever he gets free time, over and over and over again, retracing his steps and pulling footage from traffic cams in a desperate attempt to find the person he’s meant to spend the rest of his life with. Chin and Kono are helping him, turning it into something of a game, in an effort to cheer Danny up, because he’s a little upset that he missed such a big moment.

God, Steve wishes that he could’ve missed finding his soulmate. It’d be a whole hell of a lot easier if he didn’t know that he’d spend the rest of his life knowing that his soulmate had someone else.

It’s too much, for him to try to stick around when Danny gets on about his soulmate. It’s the cause of more than a few arguments between the two of them, and after a while, Steve starts leaving the room when the topic of soulmates comes up. He doesn’t want to be bitter. He doesn’t want to put a damper on everyone’s moods, especially when Kono comes back with her mark swimming bright pink and blue and a smile on her face. Adam Noshimuri is in for the shovel talk of his life, and Steve’s chest aches. Knowing that Kono and Chin have found their soulmates, knowing that Kono has Adam, and knowing that Chin has Malia, who doesn’t ever push Chin about his mysterious second soulmark, and knowing that Danny has his mystery soulmate, it makes Steve want to hide himself away from his team. He feels like he’ll ruin them, dim their light by standing around with his darkness for too long.

He knows, logically, that he’s being ridiculous and that he’s wallowing and throwing himself a truly spectacular pity party. But with everyone finding their happiness, and Steve having to just watch on from the sidelines, he thinks he’s earned some self-pity rights.

So he continues to excuse himself from soulmate conversations.

Just once, he lingers outside the door to hear what his teammates have to say about his sudden departure from what had been a mild conversation, and it’s the last he ever tries something like that.

As he’s listening, he hears someone shuffling and a throat clearing and after a long pause, Danny asking, “What is it with McGarrett and soulmates?”

Someone, Chin, sighs and says, “Steve’s always been cagey about his mark. As long as I’ve known him. He has the imprint of a fist on his face, you can’t blame the guy for being like that. Not to mention the way he was raised to think about it.”

Something hits a table with a loud smack, a hard copy of a case file, maybe, and Danny makes a noise in the back of his throat. “What do you mean?”

Chin sighs again, heavier this time. “You notice that in all of the pictures of Steve when he was younger, he has no mark?”

“Someone taught him to cover it up?”

“You don’t pick that up from just anyone. It must’ve been his parents. I’m sure they were just trying to protect him, you see the looks that people give Steve’s mark even now, but being made to cover your mark like that from such a young age? It’s gotta have a lasting impact. I don’t think Steve let anyone see his mark until he made it to BUD/S and there was no way for him to keep it covered anymore.”

“Jesus,” Danny breathes, so quiet Steve almost doesn’t hear it. “No wonder the guy hates talk about soulmarks. Christ, his parents practically raised him to hate his. What the… just. Wow.”

“Don’t bring any of this up, you don’t want to do that to him. Just, keep it in mind, I guess,” Chin warns and Steve assumes that Danny nods or something, but he doesn’t really stick around long enough to hear if there is a verbal response as well.

He shoots Kono a text to say that he’s leaving early and he flees Iolani Palace like a coward.

He hates that his team is worrying about him. He’s their Commander. Their boss. Whatever he is to this team. He’s the one who’s meant to worry about them, not the other way around. It makes something unpleasant curl in his gut, knowing he’s worrying them.

So he takes the rest of the day to have a private pity party and he goes in to work the next day with a new mask to wear and a determination to stop worrying his teammates about his stupid soulmate hangups.

And it works.

It works well enough for a long, long time.

Until, of course, Danny Fucking Williams throws a wrench in the whole thing.

~*~

It goes like this.

They’re at Steve’s house for an evening in, the whole team, their whole ‘ohana, grilling surf and turf out in the backyard, Chin and Danny lounging on the lanai while Steve and Kono man the grill, Malia, Adam, Max and Sabrina having taken over the table already.

They have a good time, most of them drink too much and Chin and Kono both have to half drag their spouses back to their cars at the end of the night. Max and Sabrina leave in a much more dignified manner, with quiet smiles and goodbyes and then it’s just Steve and Danny.

Danny, who is far too drunk to drive himself anywhere.

Steve makes the executive decision that Danny will be staying the night.

Purely for safety reasons of course.

He sets about making up the guest room for Danny to stay in, determinedly not thinking about how much will power it’s going to take to just leave Danny by himself when every fiber of Steve’s being is aching to keep Danny close to him.

He sighs and chalks it up to his current state of inebriation that he’s feeling so sappy. He usually has a better handle on his stupid pining feelings.

Danny’s eyes are half lidded when Steve gets back downstairs, and he’s got a dopey smile on his face that makes Steve’s heart melt.

“You’re a good friend, Stevie,” Danny half-slurs as Steve helps him to his feet, and Steve’s lungs stop working for a second when Danny clutches at him in a sloppy half-hug, and he has to gasp to catch his breath. He thanks whatever gods are up there that Danny’s too intoxicated to notice his slip up, and gets Danny up the stairs and into bed without further incident.

He vaguely remembers setting out a glass of water and some advil for Danny and the same for himself after that, and then collapsing into bed and passing out almost instantly.

~*~

When he sleeps, he dreams, a really rather pleasant dream. In the dream, his bond with Danny isn’t abstract. It’s not dysfunctional.

In the dream, Danny isn’t in a bed down the hall, he’s sharing one with Steve, tucked under Steve’s arm and held close against Steve’s chest. Gracie is in the spare room down the hall, the walls painted light blue and plastered with posters she keeps bringing home.

In the dream Steve wakes up before Danny and sneaks out of bed, and pads down the hall to Grace’s room, wakes her up with a gentle touch on the shoulder. She grumbles a little, but eventually rolls out of bed with a sleepy smile and follows Steve to the kitchen.

In the dream, he and Grace work together to piece together a breakfast of pancakes and bacon and fresh fruit, and the pancakes are not pretty, but Grace demands they taste test them, and they do taste a lot better than they look. She declares it with a grin on her face, and then proceeds to get pancake batter all over Steve’s face and the countertop and he can’t help his laughter.

In the dream, their laughter wakes Danny, and Danny comes creeping into the kitchen, sneaking up behind Grace to poke her sides and make her squeal. She gets pancake batter on Danny next and soon they have a batch of half burned pancakes because they got distracted laughing and cleaning pancake batter off of faces and hands.

In the dream, Steve’s soulmark isn’t on his face. It’s somewhere kinder, somewhere that doesn’t display how much his soulmate can’t stand him.

In the dream, Danny presses a kiss to the swirling color of Steve’s mark, and Steve returns the gesture and Grace fake gags and tells them they’re gross and that when she finds her soulmate, she won’t be nearly as disgusting with them.

In the dream, Danny raises his eyebrows and scoffs and tells Grace she’s never allowed to grow up and find her soulmate and get married, she’s got to stay little forever and she snorts and protests loudly.

In the dream, Steve’s heart is full to bursting with his little family there with him, with how content he is to really feel loved.

In the dream, Steve is happy.

And then he wakes up with a headache and the roll of nausea in his gut, and the nausea is not what’s making him feel this ill.

~*~

A water bottle and granola bar settle the queasy feeling in his stomach, and a few Advil settle the raging headache behind his eyes, and Steve lets out a heavy sigh. The dream he had last night left him feeling hollow and empty inside, and he kind of wants to wrap himself up in a blanket and hide from the world all day or swim until his lungs burn or run until his muscles scream. Something. He’s not sure. He’s just thinking that he really should stop indulging in this self-pity when Danny comes into the kitchen with an empty glass and the bottle of Advil Steve had left out for him the night before.

Steve forces himself out of his pity party and smirks at Danny.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare, McGarrett. I don’t know what Super SEAL gene you have that makes you immune to it, but the rest of us normal folks get hungover when we drink like we all did last night,” Danny mutters miserably, letting out a pathetic sounding groan when he finishes speaking. Steve wants to run his hands through Danny’s hair.

He does not.

He takes the glass from Danny’s hands and fills it again, and presses it back into Danny’s hand. “You need to hydrate.”

Danny grumbles, but he listens. “You got a spare toothbrush? My mouth tastes like a wet dog.” Steve raises an eyebrow at that and Danny scowls. “Shut up. Shut up. You didn’t say anything, but I know you were thinking it. Don’t say a word, unless it’s to tell me where I can find a toothbrush.”

Steve chuckles, and shakes his head. “In the bathroom off my room. Should be a spare one under the sink.”

Danny lets out a sigh of relief and gives Steve a pained looking smile, and sets the half-empty glass on the table and heads up the stairs. Steve has a split second of silence before alarm bells go off in his head, and Danny comes thudding back down the stairs, holding the cover up paint that Steve had momentarily forgotten about.

“Steven, what the hell is this?” Danny demands in a low, deadly calm voice.

Steve’s heart seizes in his chest and he stops breathing for a long moment. When he doesn’t answer, Danny slams the container down on the table, and storms over to Steve. Before he can even move to defend himself, frozen by fear, Danny’s reaching for Steve’s face.

The day old paint comes off with one strong swipe of Danny’s thumb and Steve flinches away from his touch.

“Steve,” Danny says, his voice impossibly soft.

“I-I can explain,” Steve says, an uncharacteristic stumble in his words. His heart is hammering. His chest aches. He feels like he can’t breathe.

Danny takes a few steps back and gives Steve such a wounded look Steve nearly tears up.

“You found your soulmate? And you’ve been hiding it? Why?”

“I-” Steve fights for the right words to explain himself, not sure how to get himself out of this one. “I-I mean they-they, uh.”

Danny’s gaze drops from Steve’s soulmark, giving Steve a quick once over. It settles on the bruises up and down Steve’s arms, from Steve’s last sparring session with Kono.

Steve can see it in Danny’s eyes the moment all of the wrong pieces click together in Danny’s mind. He can see it, because suddenly there’s murder written in the lines of Danny’s face, in the set of his jaw, in the furrow of his brow.

“They’re hitting you,” Danny says. He does not try to sugar coat it. “They’re hitting you and you’re lying for them. Why?”

Steve can’t make his mouth work. It opens and closes, like a fish, and nothing comes out. He just stares in shock and horror as Danny throws his hands into the air, and then pokes his finger towards Steve, demanding and concerned all rolled into one expression.

“Steve, who the fuck is it? Who is doing this to you? Just because they’re your soulmate does not mean that you have to cover for them. Being someone’s soulmate does not give someone license to hurt you like this and just because they’re your soulmate does not mean you have to tolerate this from them. We see cases like this at work all the time. You are just as deserving of and entitled to a sense of safety as every one of the people we’ve helped. Your well-being is more important than some stupid bond.” Steve opens his mouth and chokes on his words and Danny’s face falls, his expression turning so horribly miserable that Steve wants to cry. He does not, because he is not that kind of person, but he thinks about it. “Steve, hey, come on. Please talk to me. Let me help you. Who did this to you?”

Steve takes a deep breath and closes his eyes because he can’t look Danny in the eye while he says this. He debates lying for half a second, before he decides that’d cause so many more issues that it’s not worth it.

“You did,” Steve says, in a voice so unlike his own, he doesn’t recognize it, even as he’s saying the words. “You, when we were trying to hunt down Hesse. You-” Realization dawns on Danny’s face, followed by unconcealed horror, and Steve breaks off. He doesn’t have to continue. Danny knows what he’s talking about.

“Oh,” is all Danny has to say.

“This,” Steve mutters, raising one arm, “is from Kono. We were sparring a couple days ago. She doesn’t pull her punches.”

“Right, yeah, no, of course,” Danny says. He glances back at the pot of cover up paint on the table.

“You don’t have to feel obligated to anything. I know you’re looking for your soulmate, I know you’ve got someone waiting out there for you. It’s not your fault that I have an Abstract Bond,” Steve says quickly, wanting to reassure Danny that he doesn’t hold it against him.

“No, but it is my fault that you’ve got a mark in the shape of a fist on your face,” Danny mumbles, and Steve doesn’t think he was really meant to hear that. Louder, Danny says, “I think I should go.”

He barely pauses to grab his keys and his wallet before he flees the house like it’s on fucking fire. Steve sits down at the kitchen table and stares blankly at the stupid pot of cover up paint, and silently berates himself for his carelessness and idiocy, and if a few stray tear escape before he can scrub them away?

There’s no one around to see it anyway.

~*~

Steve debates going back to bed and staying there for the rest of eternity.

Ultimately, he decides against that, because he is a grown ass man, a highly trained Navy SEAL. He can handle some unpleasant emotions. He’s fine. He’s dealt with far worse before. He’s fine.

So instead of crawling into bed and hiding from the world he showers away the sticky feeling of a morning after a night of drinking, and he throws on a swim suit and swims until his lungs can’t take it anymore. He showers again when he gets back and scrubs his skin until it’s pink and the bruises on his arms stand out even more, and smiles bitterly at them. After he scrubs his face he watches the last flecks of dried paint circle around the drain, continues staring long after they’re gone.

He gets out of the shower and mechanically covers the mark and forces himself to eat. He cleans his gun for something to do. Polishes his badge. Does all the dishes from the night before by hand.

The next thing he knows it’s growing dark out, and he finally lets himself go to bed, curls up and falls into a restless sleep.

This time, when he dreams it is not pleasant. Tonight, his dreams are nightmares, full of wicked grins and guns and fists swung towards his face.

He doesn’t feel well rested when he wakes.

~*~

In the morning, he gets up and throws on the first thing he finds and tugs on his sneakers and sets off on the longest run he’s been on in months.

By the time he gets home, his calves are screaming and his knees ache and he’s covered in sweat and his whole body is trembling, but at least he’s focused on the physical discomfort instead of the soul deep hurt that he feels over the rejected soulbond.

He drags himself into his house, and into the kitchen, digging through the fridge to find the orange juice. He takes a swig straight from the jug and barely has it back in the fridge when his front door slams open. Steve shuts the fridge and dives for a kitchen knife, cursing himself for forgetting to lock the front door behind himself.

“You absolute idiot!” Danny shouts, as he comes storming into the kitchen.

Steve’s hand trembles where he’s holding onto the knife he’d wrestled from the block in a panic, his body still exhausted from his run.

Danny doesn’t even pause at the sight of the knife. He strides across the kitchen and gently pulls the knife from Steve’s shaking hands and places it on the counter.

Steve can’t even voice his confusion, barely has time to show it on his face, before Danny’s pulling at his shoulders. Steve really doesn’t have the energy to do much else, so he lets Danny tug him down to his level.

And then Danny’s hands are cupping his face, and Danny whispers, “Stop me if you need to,” and kisses Steve like he is a damned man and Steve is his salvation.

Steve’s knees give out underneath him, and Danny breaks the kiss and catches him, pressing him into the counter behind him to keep him upright.

“Hey, hey, Steve, you okay?” Danny asks, soft and a little sad and Steve nods stupidly, his mouth hanging open just a little. “Was that okay?”

“You have a soulmate,” Steve says, by way of an answer.

Danny fists his hands in Steve’s shirt for a moment, still pressed completely into Steve, leaned up against the counter. Danny sighs, and releases him after a long moment. Steve watches silently as Danny wets a folded paper towel and steps up to him again, reaching for his face, and ever so gently wiping away the cover up paint. He just stares at Steve’s soulmark for a moment before he holds up the hand that bears his own mark.

“I do have a soulmate,” Danny says. “You. Steve, our colors are the same. And this? This mark? This is where you touched me, for the first time. Just before I-” Danny cuts off and brushes his fingers over Steve’s mark almost reverently. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I did this to you. I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize that you were- that we-”

Steve just blinks at Danny for a second, opens and closes his mouth a few times.

“I threatened to break your fingers,” he finally says, and then smacks himself in the forehead.

Danny laughs, and Steve wishes he could hear that sound all the time.

“Yeah, and then I decked you, and didn’t realize that we’d set off each other’s marks.” He takes Steve’s hands and kisses his knuckles before squeezing them. “Will you forgive me? For…” Danny trails off and makes a wide sweeping gesture, between them. “All of this. For not realizing. For leaving you with that mark. Just, all of it.”

Steve shakes his head. “No, you don’t- there’s nothing to apologize for. Not you. I should- I mean, I lied to you, Danno. I kept it-”

“Oh put a sock in it, you big lug. We both did some jumping to conclusions, huh?” Danny huffs out and amused sound. “Quite the pair we are, aren’t we?”

Steve looks at Danny, at the smile crinkling the corners of his eyes, and he can’t bother being worried anymore. Not when his soulmate is smiling at him like that.

He opens his mouth to say something. Probably to apologize again. Danny cuts him off.

“I don’t want to hear anything more from you until you’ve showered, you animal. What is this, you’re disgusting. Go, shower, I’m not going anywhere.”

Steve hesitates, decides, fuck it, and pulls Danny close to press a kiss to his forehead, leaving sweaty marks all over Danny’s shirt in the process.

He flees upstairs to shower, Danny’s half-angry “Neanderthal!” following him as he ascends the stairs, and the aching thing that has been twisting in between his ribs for months finally, finally settles.

Steve looks at himself in the mirror when he reaches his bathroom, and for the first time, he see his soulmark, and he smiles.

[peterkayscarshare]

Life in the Slow Lane Chapter 3 by OvertheRainbow

She hated arguments. Mainly because she was completely rubbish at them. She couldn’t do confrontation and inevitably ended up in tears within minutes. This time was no exception. It didn’t help that her journey back to Mandy’s had been to the soundtrack of Forever FM’s “Sunday Love Connection With DJ Danny Love”. The whole thing was cheesier than an extra large Margarita Pizza, with stuffed crust, cheese bites, cheesy garlic bread and maybe a fondue thrown in for good measure. She’d held it together through Van Halen’s “Why Can’t This Be Love?” but by the time the late great Whitney Houston had finished belting out the first chorus of “All The Man That I Need”, played with “All my love always” from Leanne in Oldham to Richie in Southport, she was a blubbing mess. That it triggered her memory of John, on their first official “date”, telling her about his dedication to her, that she’d missed by moments, really didn’t help her situation. Try as she might, she found it impossible to be angry with him. Frustrated yes but angry, no. Even if he could never bring himself to fully open up and give her any more than they currently had, even if he could never actually say the word “love”, preferring to make hints and coded references, even if this “thing” was never going to work out, even if he was destined to break her heart beyond any and all repair, it was his to break. It always would be and that was that. 

 As she finally parked up in front of the house that never really felt like home, Kayleigh took a moment to compose herself. Steve was in his usual location, doing exactly what he always did. Rain, hail or shine. Mandy was on the front step next to a large ladder, looking exasperated, gesticulating wildly and intermittently pointing up at the Christmas lights, which had been hanging precariously from the roof for the better part of a year. As Mandy’s tone varied from a “not in front of the neighbours” whisper, to a socially acceptable outdoor voice, to a full on bollocking, Kayleigh caught the general gist of the conversation, even from inside the car. It was best summed up by Mandy’s final, very audible declaration, “You’re a useless dickhead!” Mandy never had any qualms about venting a sense of anger in her relationship. Throughout the entire tirade, Steve had remained his usual sanguine self. Saying nothing and wiping a spanner on his oil stained shirt. She’d never fully understood the dynamic between her sister and Steve. Mandy had the Kitson feisty gene. Steve was utterly passive to the point of comatose. She wasn’t entirely sure how her sister hadn’t strangled him, or died of boredom by now and yet, somehow it just worked for them. She knew how this latest incident would play out. Steve would leave Mandy to “simmer down”, then eventually fix the lights, at his own pace and in his own time. He’d give Mandy a cuddle, whisper something doubtless filthy in her ear, she’d giggle and smack him on the backside and before long, they’d be disappearing up the stairs. Kayleigh would settle on the sofa with a brew, open her iPad, load up Netflix and put her headphones on. All while contemplating yet another night alone in that tiny box room with a cross trainer, 36 pairs of shoes, a set of Babyliss Crimpers and a plastic heart shaped lamp for company. At least now she could add in another pair of shoes, yippee. Steve tapped on the passenger side window, “You gettin’ out sometime today or what?” “You fixin’ those lights sometime this year, you lazy sod?” came her terse reply as she opened the drivers side door. “Don’t you start. I’ve already had it off your sister”. “I know. I heard. I‘m guessin’ they could probably hear it in Dundee!” “Yeah well, Mandy’s got no volume control.” “She’s got more bloody patience than I’d have, that’s for sure. You said you were takin’ them down the day after New Years! They’ve been hanging up there like an afterthought ever since. They almost came down entirely after that bad weather last month.” By now Kayleigh had retrieved her bags from the car and was heading up the driveway. Steve was still surveying their “festive light display”. “I don’t know. Maybe we should leave ‘em as they are. They look like...what do they call it?… shabby chic”. “They look like shabby shit. Mandy’s right. Get ‘em fixed”, with that Kayleigh went inside, leaving Steve to resume his avoidance of the inevitable.

 As she entered the hallway she could hear Mandy “negotiating” with Chloe and Alfie over the evening’s dinner options, “We’re having a roast!” “We want chicken dippers!” “I want a fortnight in St Lucia, all inclusive but it’s not gonna happen.” “It’s not fair!” “No you’re right. Unlike many others, you’re going to bed tonight with full stomachs and a roof over your heads. It really isn’t fair.” “Yeah but we won’t have chicken dippers!” “Your suffering is noted. I’ll call Simon Cowell, see if One Direction want to reform for a benefit gig.” “So, can we have them then?” “Eh...let me think about it...no.” “Muuummmm” “Chlooooeeeee. Both of you, zip it. We’re having a roast dinner. Any more complaints and it’ll be with extra veggies and no Yorkshire’s.” That appeared to do the trick and the pair retreated in defeat. Kayleigh smiled at her exasperated sister. “One of those days?” “Let’s just say it didn’t improve after you left. Sometimes it feels as though I’m tryin’ to manage three kids.” Looking at her bags Mandy asked, “D’ya get what you wanted?” Now there was a question. “I got some shoes and a couple of bits”. “Well then. Let’s see!” Kayleigh produced her purchases to much ooing and ahhing from her sister. “Those shoes will make your legs look incredible! You’ll knock John dead!” Kayleigh’s reaction, or rather lack of it, spoke volumes. “Oh no. Please tell me you haven’t gone and binned him off.” “No! Course not! We just had a difficult conversation earlier.” “Define “difficult””. “I sort of, off loaded on him. I was feeling frustrated and I did exactly what I always hate. I just let it all build up and then got stroppy with him. I don’t think he had a clue what was going on, I didn’t even give him a chance and it all just spiralled out of control. I’m ruining everything!” Suddenly Kayleigh burst into tears. Mandy immediately rushed over and embraced her sister, “Aw, sweetheart.” As she offered what comfort she could amid the loud sobs, Alfie wandered through the hall and declared, “See! Even Auntie Kayleigh wants chicken dippers.” Mandy’s response was swift, “She’s crying because I’ve just told her what’s going to happen if you mention them again!” Kayleigh found herself laughing despite herself. “Listen, I’ve got a roast on. Needless to say, our resident food critics approve. It’ll be an hour or so yet. Why don’t you have a lie down. I’ll give you a shout when it’s ready.” “Thanks Mand.” “You really do need to talk to him Kayleigh. This isn’t fair on either of you. You need to explain your feelings and try to get some answers and he needs a chance to understand you and give his side of things.” “I’ll give him a call after dinner.” “Good idea. It would be such a shame to throw it all away when the two of you just need to get on the same page.” “You’re right sis. I can’t lose him because of this. You know, talking’s always been so easy for us. We’ve never done awkward silences. Now we’ve found the one topic that’s guaranteed to be a conversation killer and it’s the one thing we actually need to talk about.” “Well, get some rest and then take on the unspeakable Wonder Woman.” “I’ll fetch me golden lasso and cuffs.” “Now that’ll definitely do the trick.” Mandy grinned and Kayleigh headed up the stairs in the hope that a quick snooze might help her formulate a plan.

 “Christ! Take it easy Lewis Hamilton!” John exclaimed, as he swayed precariously in the front passenger seat. “I thought you wanted to get there quickly, Miss Daisy!” “I do! I’d just rather it wasn’t in a bloody body bag.” “Can I assume we’re not heading to Bury for you to have a long overdue booty call.” “Not unless it involves her sticking her boot up me arse.” “Well, if that’s how you like it. I make no judgement. Each to their own.” John gave Jim some vicious side eye. “Where’s your sense of humour these days?” “I’m just finding it hard to laugh at the general fuck up that my life has become.” “I thought we sorted this back at Big Bob’s. You love her, you want her, you just need to get over feelin’ awkward and you can crack on.” “You make it sound so easy”. “It is John. You keep on makin’ it complicated and you may as well forget it. Have you ever actually told Kayleigh how you feel about her?” “She knows. She’s got to.” “How? She a mind reader on the sly?” “I wrote her a song for Christ’s sake! It was all about hearts and journeys and colours and shit and I meant every word of it too. What more does she want!?” “Hearts and journeys and colours?” “Yeah, you know, she walked away with me heart, made my journey through life lonely and turned my world to colour from black and white, that sort of thing.” “You’re no Gary Barlow mate.” “That’s not what she said.” “Yeah, well she’s your number one fan.” “You make her sound like a friggin stalker!” “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she doesn’t want theatrics and riddles. Maybe she just wants to hear you say the word.” “What word?” “LOVE! You bloody idiot!” Why does that matter so much!” “Because it’s a small word that’s about as big as it gets. It doesn’t mean “Iike”, it doesn’t mean “fancy”, it doesn’t mean “You’ll do for now until something better shows up”. It means, you’re feeling it where it matters, where it counts and not just between your legs! It says you could hurt me...maybe even more than I could ever hurt you. That’s what’s freakin’ you out. Isn’t it?” John sighed, “Yeah. Yeah it is. I’d never cried over a woman until Kayleigh. I mean, I’ve been sad before, I’ve even gone off me food.” “Jesus! When were that!?” “Oy!” “Sorry”. “I know now that she can hurt me, more than I’ve ever been hurt before, because she did”. “Now there’s a lyric. Seriously though, do you really think that by just not sayin’ it, you can somehow not feel it. Do you think it’ll protect you? Cause if you think that’s the case, I’ve got one question for you mate...how’s that workin’ out for you?” John put his head back against the headrest and momentarily closed his eyes. It was a silent answer, which somehow spoke volumes. 

 The rest of their journey was spent in companionable silence, interspersed with occasional instructions on which direction to take, from John. Finally, they arrived on the familiar road that led to Mandy’s house, or as John always thought, to Kayleigh. His heart and his brain were currently competing in a race to the finish that neither seemed willing to concede. “It’s up here on the right. Number 25. It might have a green gazebo.” “A green gazebo!” “Yeah. Her sister’s fella Steve’s into fixin’ bikes.” “That still doesn’t explain the gazebo.” “Fuck the gazebo! It’s not even up!” “Alright John! Calm down.” “Sorry, it’s here with the shitty Christmas Lights. Right, this is it.” “D’ya want me to come with you or wait here?” “Christ! I hadn’t thought about that. I don’t know how long I’ll be. She might kick me out before I can get a word in edge ways. Either that or I’ll be here for ages. It’ll be a feast or a famine.” “Well, let’s take it as it comes shall we? You need me to make meself scarce for a bit, I’ll find a Maccie D’s. You can text me when you want me to come back.” “Cheers mate.” “Is that Steve?” “Yeah. He’s sound”. Steve was already waving at John. John and Jim both got out to greet him, “Alright Steve?” “Hey John mate. I wasn’t expecting to see you today!” Furtively looking back at an amused Jim, John attempted a casual reply, “Well, Yeah, we, eh, happened to be in the area and I just thought I’d stop by and say hello to Kayleigh. She about by any chance?” “Yeah, she’s just back from the shops. Front door’s on the snib. Go on in.” “Thanks pal. This is my mate Jim by the way. Jim, this is Steve.” “How do mate.” “How do. Nice bike. Ya can’t wack a Triumph. John’s Dad were into his bikes if I remember rightly. He had a Triumph at one point and...aw what were it called? John! What was the name of that bike your Dad had?” John was already heading for the front door as he replied, “A Land Devil. Steve knows. I gave him some bits from the garage”. Steve replied, “That were very decent of you by the way”. “No bother”. With that John disappeared inside as Steve and Jim stood awkwardly like two spare parts at a wedding. Suddenly Steve produced a flask, “Fancy a brew mate?” “Don’t mind if I do.” Steve poured the tea into the plastic cup at the top of the flask, then refilled his Robocop mug”. “Nice mug.” “Thanks”. Steve looked up to Kayleigh’s bedroom. Jim watched his gaze and followed it upwards in the direction of a window with a heart shaped lamp at its centre. “He in the dog house again?” “How did you guess?” “She gets in a right mood when she’s pissed off with him”. Jim sighed before ruminating, “I think they just need a good talk.” “You ask me they need a bloody good shag!” For a second nothing was said as the two men simply looked at each other, in silence, before they both simultaneously broke into laughter and toasted each other with their mugs. Steve reached down into an ancient biscuit tin and brandishing it in front of Jim enquired, “Hob Nob?” With that, the male bond was firmly created. 

 John announced his arrival by calling out, “Hello! It’s John”. Mandy was in the kitchen up to her neck in carrots. She was shocked to see him but couldn’t deny that she was also delighted for her sister, “John Redmond! As I live and breathe. What brings you to the bright lights of Bury? Could it be a certain red head by any chance”.  Offering her a kiss on the cheek John smiled, ‘Hey Mandy. You rumbled me. She accepting visitors?” “She’s having a lie down upstairs.” “Any chance I could....?” “I’m not sure if I want you to finish that sentence”. “I just want to talk to her Mandy. We need to sort a few things.” “Do me a favour. Try to sort them in a way that doesn’t disturb the neighbours or traumatise the kids.” John smiled and looked suitably sheepish. “Up the stairs, first on the right.” “Thanks Mandy”. “Oh and John, do ya want a bit of roast?” “I’d love to but me mate Jim’s here with me. He’s outside with Steve.” “He can join us too if he likes. I’ve got half a cow ‘ere.” “Thanks Mandy, you’re a good ‘um.” With that, she smiled and retreated to the kitchen as John took a deep breath, climbed the stairs and knocked on Kayleigh’s bedroom door. She’d been lying on the bed with her headphones on listening to an old eighties mix tape. She hadn’t heard the knock at the door, so when it opened and John’s face peaked in, she literally shrieked, “JOHN!” Misty immediately started barking from the back garden. Only Kayleigh could reach that octave. She pulled her headphones off and immediately jumped off the bed. John stood in the doorway, his eardrums struggling to recover. “What are you doing here?!” “Well. I remembered it’s Sunday and I thought you might like a cuddle and a Chinese....or a cuddle and Mandy’s roast...or maybe just a cuddle.” Kayleigh stood so still, that he began to be concerned about what was to come, then without warning, she threw her arms around him and promptly burst into tears. “Oh John. I’m sooo sorry. I was so horrible to you. I didn’t mean to be such a nasty cow.” “Hey, sweetheart. Don’t get upset. It’s ok. It’s ok. You weren’t a nasty cow. You don’t have a nasty bone in your lovely little body. Don’t cry love.” “I just love you so much John”. “Look at me.” With that Kayleigh pulled back and faced him, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I’ve never said this to anyone before and it’s because I’ve never meant it until now. I should have said it to you weeks ago. The truth is, I probably knew it months ago...but I’m absolutely bloody certain of it now...I love you too Kayleigh Kitson. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone or anything in this world and I’m scared. I’m terrified because for the first time in my life I’ve realised that something was missing and that something was you. If I lose you, I go back to who I was before and now I know that who I was before wasn’t complete. I had a Kayleigh Kitson shaped hole in my heart and in my life and I don’t want to go back. Not now, not ever.”...and there it was. He’d finally said it.

[sassysweetstories]

Can’t Forget You//Blurb

Summary: You and Shawn are dating but you’re bitchy and rude until you both get into a car crash that changes everything. 

Ship: Shawn Mendes x Fem!Reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of a car crash, fluff, tears, crying, etc. 

Notes: none of these gifs are mine, credit to owners. 

Tagged: @bailey-hoover @kiralivelove @thalia-prior-of-ravenclaw@anamcg317@bellasett @queentiffanyyy @archer-whovian-violinist @beingmadinwonderland@princessisabelle19@violence-and-velvet@lachicadelamanzana

Your P.O.V

We’re fighting again. About what, I do not know. I’m sure it was my fault again, always is. I’m his highest anxiety producer, after-all. He’s screaming at me so loudly, the veins on his neck ignite like fire and he’s redder than the tomato’s he oh so loathes. But I’m not helping the situation as I yell just as loud, cursing to the moon and back. This is just another run, chasing circles in a duel that we do beautifully. If I wasn’t so mad, I would think his angered face would be hot but I’m too clouded by rage to think about anything other than what we’re disagreeing on. There is so much sound around it, it’s hard to decipher which goes to what. That is until I turn my head to see a gigantic truck gearing towards us at an unstable speed. I whack Shawn’s arm to pull his attention and then everything goes black. 

When I jolt awake, I’m in a white gown and in a porcelain room. A hospital? But why? There are wires attached to my arms that I’m sure are linked to my erratic heart rate and unusual blood pressure. I don’t know how I’m able to read those things but all I know is that I need to get out of here and fast. There’s a stack of clothes on the chair next to me and I don’t hesitate to unhook my cords, change and slip out into the hallway. I keep my head low to the ground in hopes to just sneak under their noses but I fall short when a group of people on the opposite side of the hospital notice my presence. They seem to know me based on how their faces light up but I don’t show the same love. I don’t know who they are. “HEY! YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO YOUR ROOM!” A series of nurses say from the left of me. 

Automatically, I run from both of the groups in hopes to get outside into the cold, clean air. There are a plethora of voices, all of which I don’t recognize calling out a name that I suppose is mine but feels unfamiliar. I slide under one of the security guards legs, slipping past everyone in hopes to free myself from this white devil chamber. When I see the doors to the escape, I run faster until I’m catching for air. The rain coming down is soft but heavy enough to wet your clothes and just being outside brings me more comfort than anything I would have imagined. Overcome by emotion, I fall to my knees and let the water droplets fall onto my neck and back. The cool wet substance makes time and everything around me stop. But as I finally take it all in, I realize I don’t know who I am. I don’t my name, where I lived, who I was, anything. All of it hits me and I begun to sop uncontrollably before a hand made its way to my shoulder, once of the nurses it seems, who coaxes me back into the building for an examination. 

Luann, the nurse, sat opposite me in a CSI type interrogation room. I knew from basic knowledge that there were a series of examiners that were most likely behind the mirror. “Why do you keep looking at the mirror?” I’m sure she asks because she’s trying to get an analysis or thinks I’m selfish, I can’t figure out which one it is yet. “I just-” I tell her honestly. “I have a huge nose. Like, I could rest a mountain on my shnoz.” I pull myself from my chair, pacing back and forth. “You seem calm.” She tries to examine. But I’m nothing but calm. Yes, I look high due to the fact that I haven’t had much to eat and I’m also a little laggy with the medicine but I’m lowkey freaking internally to the lack of memory and control I have in my body. “Yes, I’m using humor as a self-defense mechanism because I’m afraid. I can remember common everyday things like how to wash my hair or brush my teeth but I’m having trouble remembering important events in my life, ya know?” 

The more I think about it, my more shaky my hands become. I can feel my breathing becoming rigid. As I close my eyes, I literally can’t for the life of me think as to what I was doing before today, before any of this. None of this makes sense and I’m so god damn scared my fingers start to shake so instead I ask her about me. “So what was I like? Before the accident?” Maybe if I can get a better understanding of who I was, maybe I could remember everything, jog something back. “(Y/n), I don’t know if the doctor told you, but there isn’t any chance your memories will come back. I’m sorry. . . The old you and your old life is gone forever. . .” I feel my feet crumble beneath my knees before my brain registrars the action. I lean against the table, feeling dizzy as she hands me an item before explaining, “Here’s a computer where you can see who you were.” My heart drops to my throat and now I don’t want anything to do with this piece of technology. 

All I want to is sit alone and cry until I can’t no more. Luann pats my shoulder gently before leaving me to rot in the CSI investigation room. A god damn car crash did this to me. I sit by the desk for the next few minutes, glancing at the computer before curiosity got the best of me and I open it up, typing in my apparent name. (Y/n) (Y/L/N). Hundreds of articles popped up, all ranging from the car crash to my personality and extremely rude behavior that I’ve displayed over the various years. I was an actress and model apparently. My previous self was a dick, no doubt about it. The longer I watch, the more my skin crawls with disgust. Whomever that was, was no longer me. I wasn’t this monster, not now, not ever. I close the computer with a loud click before rubbing my tired, droopy eyes. I don’t even know who my parents are? Do I even have parents? Am I married? Do I have siblings? 

The thoughts come in a rapid fire motion and my hands start to shake in fear. “I-I have no one. . .” Instinctively, I curl myself up in a ball and start to sob. “I’m all a-alone. . .” All of a sudden, the room is too much and I can’t breath. I push the table in a spur of the moment and get as far away from my chair as possible, light headed. “I-I don’t even k-know who I a-am. . .” I’m having a panic attack and there’s no way to stop it at this point. All of a sudden, a warm body envelopes me as I crumble to the ground. They feel both familiar and foreign all at once and it’s a terrifying feeling. The pair of arms aren’t much bigger than mind and they bring me a surprising amount of comfort as I sob into the persons shoulders. When I pull away, the woman holding me has some of my features and sports a broken expression. “Honey. . It’s me. . Your mom. .” Since I can barely breath, I opt out to not say anything and instead hold her close to my heart. 

Third P.O.V

Shawn, his team, family and (Y/n)’s family watched her mom cradle her body as she sobbed into her shoulder. None of them really cared for her except her family and Shawn but in this moment, they felt for the young woman. She looked so scared and alone and Shawn felt as though he was the one to blame. I did this to her. . . He thought angrily to himself as he watched the love of his life weep on her mothers blouse. Aaliyah hugged her brother from the side, knowing that he’s taking the guilt, the pain. She never liked (Y/n) but looking at her now, she’s different. All of them know it. Her posture and mannerisms are entirely shifted. She even looks different, almost as if her old life died and a new soul hopped into the that same one. Everyone knew that things would be different from now on. 

(Y/n) looks around her parents home, trying to take everything in. Clutching the journal Luann gave her like it was life support, she tries to calm down after being bombarded by the paparazzi. With shaky hands, she puts her stuff down and is suddenly swarmed with two pairs of arms. They scare (Y/n) but feel both foreign and familiar all at once. And because of that familiarity, she doesn’t pull away, can’t. Her mom and dad explain, “Your brothers, David and Jeremy.” She hugs them back even though (Y/n)’s meeting them for the first time in this new body. When they finally pull away from her, she notices that they've both been crying. Even though they’re both twice her height, they seem to slump down, eyes red and puffy from crying. Of course she doesn’t really know either of these men but something takes over her and pulls them back in to a tightly knit hug, one both of them needed. By the looks of it, they were her younger brothers, not by much but protective enough it seemed. 

The rest of the day, none of the family leave her side and for (Y/n), she really needed the support. But that night, after all the trauma of forgetting everything, she fell right into a deep slumber. Except her sleep was nothing but normal. Her dreams warped and shifting into something she couldn’t grasp, understand or even control. All she can see is the road, faint music playing in the background while the sky gleams above. That is until she turns her head to see whom was driving the vehicle. Of course she doesn’t know who he is but there’s this familiarity that (Y/n) can’t quite place, a feeling that festers in the pit of her stomach. He has the warmest chocolate brown eyes with matching fluffy, curly locks. A jawline that could cut a diamond and a body of a basketball player. But he’s not. She’s not sure how or why she knows that but the more she analyzes him, the more sure she is. He’s knuckles are soft but his palms are calloused. A musician, no doubt. She can’t help but admire his gorgeous white smile as the sun shines down on his rosy cheeks. 

All of a sudden, the perfect image turns black and cold. (Y/n)’s suddenly back in the hospital, surrounded by hundreds of people she doesn’t know. The man that was there is gone and now, more than ever, she feels completely empty and alone. She wants him back even though she doesn’t really know him. He’s the closest thing to familiarity in her life. (Y/n)’s suffocating again until she jolts out of her slumber, drenched in a panicked sweat. Her mother runs in, scared for her daughter and the banshee like wail she seemed to emit. Holding her child close to her heart, Mrs. (Y/L/N) can’t help but tear up, heartbroken that she is unable to do anything for her. The next few weeks are unbearable for the family. The young model/actress doesn’t sleep or eat much anymore, too afraid that if she does, she’ll slip back into that bittersweet dream. And even though she’s not sleeping, it never breaks her ever-growing and warm personality. 

When the Mendes family would come to visit, Aayliah had gotten very close with the new (Y/n). They would be up late watching movies or gossiping about boys and she loved it. But today was the day Shawn would come over for the family dinner and the poor boy was nervous as hell to say the least. He came out of the crash with little to no damage and felt nothing but guilt towards himself for what happened to his girl. It also didn’t help when Aaliyah wouldn’t stop talking about her. But today was the day he was gonna face it. (Y/n) stood across Aaliyah while she helped their moms with the fajitas, smiling as their dad’s and brothers talked about hockey. This was by far one of (Y/n)’s favorite times, when they all got together as a family. “Hey mom, where do want these-” (Y/n) says as she walks out of the kitchen. But she doesn’t get far before a new body comes into view, a new face that shocks her so much that she drops the plate with a loud crash, catching everyone’s attention. 

It’s him, the man from her dreams except he’s not a dream. He’s real, standing right there in front of her. “OH MY GOD, HONEY!” Both moms cry in unison. Everyone stands there, eyes shifting between the pair with gaped expressions. Mrs. (Y/L/N) grabs a hold of (Y/n) as if to guide her except she doesn’t need one. “Y-You’re him. . .” She mutters softly. “I-I thought I was going c-crazy. . . T-The doctors told me I-I was gonna remember anything. . Except. . I remember you. . Y-You’re the boy who drove with me. W-We were driving by the b-beach.. With John Mayer playing in the background...” (Y/n) closes her eyes for a minute to think before saying, “Daughters, was song we were humming.. Track number eight off of his album, Heavier Things.. I thought I was dreaming. . . But here you are. . I can’t forget you. . I’ve been having nightmares for weeks, always starting out with seeing you smile.. It’s almost bittersweet..You’re name is Shawn..”

The second his name leaves her lips, he breaks down into tears. It’s not long after that she brings him close to her chest, completely fine that he’s probably ruining it. She runs her hands through his long locks and the action makes him smile. Even her hands felt kinder, softer than before. Everyone watched with hope in their eyes that one day, each of them would be remembered in (Y/n)’s life. From here on, things would be drastically different. But as long as they had one another, it would all be fine.

(I hope you guys liked it! Please comment below) 

[jade4813]

Hi Jade! Since u were in the Smallville fandom I would to like know ur thoughts abt this. Do u think Lois reveiced the same amount of hate than Iris receive? bc I was in the SV fandom and ppl really hated Lois during SV days (I'm still bitter) and the same thing happens with Iris. The thing I hate most is that it seems both of them were not popular in SM and it's so frustrating because why this is only happen w my faves? Anyway why do u think some folks hated/hate those female leads so much? 😭

This is a great question!

In many ways...yes. They do get similar hate. Obviously, Iris gets the added layer of racism, which Lois didn’t have. That extra layer can’t be understated or underestimated. But, yes, that aside...I think they get a lot of similar hate. Why is that?

In part, it’s because they’re the endgame couple of the show. In any show that has cultivated more than one ship, there’s going to be hate against the ship - and typically the woman in the ship - that “wins.” Only one ship can be endgame (at least as long as heroes remain monogamous), and that means the rest just don’t come to pass. But there is more to the hate Iris and Lois get, I think. And why is that?

Honestly...it’s because they’re so awesome. That’s only semi-facetious. 

Look. Here’s the thing about both Clois and Westallen. They’re not like other love stories. 

Think about other love stories. For example, Supergirl. Now, whether you ship Kara with James or with Mon-El or with Lena or with Brainiac or with literally almost anybody else...well, the probability that those ships will be endgame may differ, but the possibility that any one of could be endgame exists. If not on this show then the one after that or the one after that. 

Supergirl just doesn’t have an iconic love story that is integral to the mythos. She may have a love story people like more than others, but you could tell her story with other love interests and her basic story as a person and as a hero doesn’t fundamentally change. It’s like Batman. Some people really love his story with Catwoman. But can you tell his story without ever mentioning Catwoman? Sure, if you want.

This is also why I roll my eyes when people say “Green Arrow changed plans by pursuing Olicity instead of Lauriver so Flash can, too!” Green Arrow is different from Flash (and from Superman). Black Canary has been a part of his mythos for a long time, but it’s also been very different in how it’s been a part of his mythos. At times, they end up together. At times, they end up divorced. You could have a story where they’re just coworkers on the League or a story where they’ve never met at all. And would that story miss out on some moments or dynamics that BC/GA fans enjoy? Absolutely. But if you removed BC from GA’s story, would that fundamentally change who GA is as a character (or vice versa) or his story? Nope.

So in a show like Arrow, could Felicity be his endgame ship? Or Huntress? Or Shado? Or Sarah? Sure. Could his endgame be him alone, and still preserve his story, who he is, and the greater mythos? Sure.

That’s just not true of Lois Lane or Iris West. They aren’t just a part of they mythos, removable/replaceable without fundamentally changing the story or the heroes’ characters. They’re an integral part of those stories. Remove Lois Lane’s connection to Superman and what it is that draws him to her and her to him, and that changes his character. She has a part in his story that other characters - like WW - simply couldn’t fill.

And with Iris...well, you remove her, and you’ve not just taken a big part of Barry’s story away. You’re also removing the Tornado Twins and Wally West. That’s a pretty significant change and a big loss to the mythos.

So, outside of everything else - the horrific racism Iris West faces on Flash, the hate both characters would get simply for being endgame - you have the fact that their entry into the story is inevitable, and the minute that either of them enter the story, the writing is on the wall for how it’s going to end. Clark and Lana were the ship of the show for Smallville, but everybody knew, from the moment Lois met Clark in that field, how the story was going to end. Maybe it would happen in four seasons or maybe it would happen four episodes from the end of the series, but it would happen. 

Hell, everybody knew that was his endgame even before she came. Even if she never showed up. The showrunners never hid the fact that their intention was to end the series at the beginning of the mythos we all know - Daily Planet, Lois Lane, and all.

Before they come in, there’s a chance that another ship might not be ultimate endgame, but they could be endgame for the series, at least. Perhaps those ships would happen, but that would be in an unshown future that other shippers could ignore, if they choose. But for the purposes of the show, that last shot could be Lana and Clark kissing on a hilltop - or crying on a hilltop - and maybe there’s a hint that he’s going to end up with Lois in the future, but that hint can be easily ignored.

But the second Lois joined the show, the showrunners decided they were never going to have him with Chloe. It certainly wouldn’t be endgame. Those fans’ hopes that Clark would eventually move on from Lana and end up with Chloe? Not going to happen. He would move on from Lana. But even when he did, Chloe wouldn’t be his forever, his endgame, because as they said, “It was only a matter of time until...Lois.”

Before Barry fell in love with Iris, before he met her, there could be a show where Barry had his own version of a Clana ship - a ship that the audience knows is fated to end one day but could actually last the duration of the show. Until enter Iris in the last season or the last episode or even just enter a line that he’s going to meet Iris, it’ll just be after the final credits roll.

But from the moment Barry meets Iris, there’s a clock ticking. The moment he realizes he’s in love with her, that clock is at five minutes to midnight. Because from the moment he falls in love with her - and the second she falls in love with him in return - that love story is written. You can’t then have Barry break up with Iris to date someone else, just like the second the love story between Clark and Lois becomes official, you can’t have him deciding to go give Chloe a shot. This is his endgame ship. It’s so important to his mythos that it’s always going to be. And the second those ships become canon in the story, that’s it for any other potential ship that any other shippers wanted.

So Lois and Iris get a massive amount of hate because they’re always going to be endgame. Other series - even series based off pre-existing canon - could and might play around with ships, and it may not be probable that any one of those ships could be endgame, but it’s possible. From the moment Iris and Lois enter their respective stories, however, the writing is on the wall for other shippers. They might get a few episodes or a few seasons of their ship, but endgame is right there in front of them, and it's going to be Westallen/Clois.

Also? Even if the shows ever pursued another ship before the introduction of Lois and Iris? Even if that ship lasted the duration of the show? No other character would ever be able to replace who Lois and Iris are in the mythos. No other character would ever take their place. They could do another ship, but that ship would never be as important to these stories as Clois/Westallen.

Really, we’re quite fortunate in our ships. Our faves may get way more hate than they deserve, but to love women who are so absolutely fundamental to their stories? Absolutely worth it.

[halsteadsass]

soooo i'm super indecisive, but if you're still taking prompts: either 16, 17, or 20 + Noorhelm?

The house seems quite bare at the moment.

The walls are freshly painted different shades of grey. Accent colors fill the room with reds, beige’s, and whites. William really had no choice in the matter when they decided to buy a house together.

It’s been ten years. It was time.

Noora had made the conscious decision to take a small sabbatical from the magazine to get settled in. With William’s hours at the firm, it only made sense. Excitement bubbling in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about the fact that she has a real home now.

That meant she made herself cozy in front of the television more than she intended. Constant marathons of Fixer Upper and Noora felt she could be the next Joanna Gaines. Living in the apartment with Eskild, she never put much thought into her room. Small decor like pillows, frames, and bedding were the only things that mattered. Once William had moved in back then it became less important than before. Trying desperately to find a spot for the bare minimum he had shipped from London was enough. They made it work until they were able to afford to live in their own apartment.

Nonetheless, she went as far as ordering subscriptions of multiple home magazines. Noora made sure he would get his say in the final decisions, but in all honesty, he’d let her have whatever she wanted.

She always got what she wanted despite William’s stubborn attempts. Let her rephrase that - William’s half ass attempts of putting up a fight but jumping head first instead.

“Everything is coming along quite nicely, right?” Noora asked while continuing to put the chicken into a Tupperware.

“It is.” William agreed. “It’s a big relief not to have to worry anymore.”

Noora puts the rest of the leftovers in the refrigerator. Noora walks to the sink, stands up up on the tip of her toes, and gives William a passing kiss on the cheek, “With you by my side, anything seems possible.”

She wasn’t lying to him. They’ve accomplished a lot together. One thing was true - he’d move heaven and hell for her.

They haven’t planned a homecoming party yet but it’s on the future agenda. Moving again was such a hassle, but she didn’t mind it in the end. There was always going to be a part of her that liked to explore the world. To flee at any moments notice because she felt like she needed it to grow. If she felt like she needed to breathe again. No one would ever understand that part of her except William.

That belonged to them.

It was time they put down real roots.

William was elbow deep in soap filled water, scrubbing away at their dirty dishes. It was his turn that night with no complaints. Noora was damn lucky she had a man who picked up his slack. He was doing something so normal, yet, she couldn’t take her eyes off of him once she sat down at the island.

Noora could blame it on the house, the immense over joyed feeling filling her heart at every second, or how proud of them she was. He was the pieces of the puzzle that fit.

“Why are you staring at me?” William asked, never turning around. “Your eyes are starting to burn holes in the back of my head.”

A long time ago Noora said goodbye to the part inside of her that always held her back.

“Marry me.” It came out as a whim comment, but she was dead serious.

William turned the sink water off to dry his hands before facing her, “Feeling funny tonight, are you?”

How much clearer can she get? Noora shook her head,  "I’m completely serious, William.“

William’s jaw drops slightly, taken aback by what she said, "Fucking hell.”

He moves around the island to her, wrapping his strong arms around her. Skepticism still in his tone, “You want to marry me?”

Noora tilts her chin up to look him in his awaiting gaze, “Why wouldn’t I want to marry you?” Promise rings already adorn their fingers. In her eyes, that has always meant forever. He could get her a real engagement ring at a later time. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Without a sound, William unravels himself from her and walks down the hallway into their master bedroom. Confusion and slight devastation wracks Noora’s body and she’s unable to move her feet. How was she supposed to read this when she had felt so confident minutes earlier?

A fire gets lit inside of her.

It’s not often that Noora gets mad at William anymore. They’ve been together so long their only arguments consist of what’s on the dinner menu that night, who gets control of the television, and who gets to be the big spoon. Trivial things that should not dictate the solidity of their relationship.

Being a little on the irrational side after his display of behavior, Noora stalks down the hallway in Williams footsteps. “Excuse me, William, but what the fuck was that? I deserve an answer at least. A no would have been better than that childish-” She’s cut off her from her rant when she sees whats in William’s hand.

A small, square black velvet box.

The tiny pit of rage that was sitting tightly in her stomach drains away. Shit.

“You ruined my moment. I’m a man of tradition, Noora.” William states while staring at the box as hard as she is. “But there has never been a day in our life together thats been normal. You’ve never allowed me to live to my full potential as a cliche. Your words, not mine.”

Noora stays silent in the doorway. A range of emotions flowing freely through her veins.

William continues, “I do not regret a single moment spent with you. You have always been the best choice I have ever made.”

He moves closer to where she’s standing until he’s completely in front of her. He takes her hand in his and smiles so kind at her she could melt, “So as much as I appreciate your attempt at proposing, I’m taking it back and doing it right.”

He doesn’t mention the fact that he had it all planned out. He’d take her back to the place they had their first date where it was only them and the city of lights below. He’d bring her hot chocolate that isn’t actually hot just the way she likes it. He’d hold her close underneath a warm blanket because he knows she craves simple affection. He’d attempt to say all the right things for just that night because she deserves perfect. Nothing more, nothing less. Just the best version of themselves and a moment in her life that she’d be able to remember forever.

Earlier in the kitchen, he hadn’t mean to sound skeptical. If this was going to be the moment, he absolutely needed to make sure this was real.

Because the answer in his mind is always a yes.

Noora can’t help herself from saying, “You already know the answer.”

As if that was going to stop him.

William bent down on one knee and opened the box. Noora gasped at the right of her engagement ring. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever laid her eyes upon. It shined with such simplicity and elegance.  A white gold band with a medium, round diamond that sat in the middle. Noora always told him she never needed anything big and fancy. It wasn’t her style and no diamond size would ever determine a love’s worth.

He remembered.

William hadn’t even started and Noora was already tearing up.

“I swear I have loved you since the moment you decided to rip me to shreds in the school yard. Not romantic by any means, but the impact of that day changed the course of my life.  You were a woman with imaginable strength, smartness, courage, realism much different from my own, and a heart so big that it was clear you had so much love to give. You still are that woman. You were everything I needed then and you are everything I need now. You have been my side through the best and worst of it. The kind of gratefulness I feel everyday waking up next to you is beyond words. You chose me and that alone can make me the happiest man for the rest of my life. Its only time that we choose each other with infinity.” William spoke so eloquently that Noora was full on shedding tears. “I once said we would get married one day and you laughed. I saw the life we could have. I want to go to sleep next you every night and wake up with you every morning. I want you to be the mother to our future children. I want to be ninety with you and have matching rocking chairs.” Noora squeezed William’s hand as he got choked up at the last part. “So, Noora Amalie Saetre, will you do me the greatest honor and marry me?”

Noora was smiling so hard her face went numb,“Yes, I will marry you!”

Taking the ring out of the box, William laughed a sigh of relief while slipping it onto Noora’s ring finger. Once the ring was securely on, Noora swat William on his shoulder. “Don’t ever scare me like that again especially when I am being serious about something so big.”

William stood back up to his regular height, amusement sitting in place of his natural brooding state, “That’s what you want to tell me after I pour my heart out to you?”

Noora laughed, shrugging her shoulders playfully, “Payback is a bitch.”

Despite the teasing, he was looking at her with his warm brown eyes, a smile painted with content, and she knows she’s the luckiest girl in the world.

Reaching out to push the small piece of hair that hung in his face (permanently she swears), she spoke with such fondness, “I love you, William. I have never doubted that. My heart always belonged to you.”

William’s forehead dropped to rest against hers, fingers gliding slowly over her arms until they find their final resting place on her hips, “Say it again.”

Noora kissed the tip of his nose, “I love you so much.” She kissed his right cheek next. “I can’t wait to spend my entire life with you.” She moved to his left cheek to kiss now. “You were always my only choice.” Noora’s lips slid against him, soft and slow, “Mrs. Noora Magnusson has a great ring to it.”

William damn near growled in response, “You have no idea what you do to me.”

Noora smirked against his lips, “I’m delicious. Of course, I do.”

As Noora walked forward, William followed pursuit walking backwards until his legs his the edge of their bed. She gave him no warning until she laid him out flat upon it, her own legs straddling his hips. “If you don’t remember, I’ll be kind enough to remind you.”

“Please do.”

Noora planned too for the rest of their life.

Infinity times infinity.

[kbaldwin0609]

‘The Bachelorette’ Hometown Dates Recap: ‘You Are Marrying the Family, Too’

Rachel Lindsay and Eric in ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ (Photo: ABC)

Warning: This recap of The Bachelorette episode 8 contains spoilers. 

The final four, rose lovers! Hometown dates are here, the time in the Bachelorette’s life where she visits four families and chooses eliminates the one she least wants to visit on major holidays. Let’s get to it!

Date No. 1: Eric Location: Baltimore, MD No. of Family Members Present: 9

Rachel meets Eric in a park alongside Baltimore’s waterfront (the focus of many episodes of the best TV show of all time, The Wire), aka “the nice part of the city,” notes Eric. “But this is not the realness of where Eric comes from.” They hop into the car and head into Eric’s old neighborhood, which has a far more inner-city feel.

Photos: ABC

Fun fact: Even in heels, the Bachelorette can ball.

Eric’s old friend Ralph drops by the court and praises his buddy for taking “a different path” and being a “stellar student” growing up. When the time comes for Rachel to head to Eric’s aunt’s house, she’s feeling a lot of “pressure,” because she’s the first woman Eric has ever introduced to his relatives. And she’s got cameras in tow! Shouldn’t be weird at all. On the other hand, they sure get a warm welcome:

Aunt Verna sits down with Rachel first, and she wants to talk about “r-a-c-e” — specifically, how did Rachel deal with being the first black Bachelorette. “I’m getting judged by black people, and I’m getting judged by everybody else,” admits Rachel. “Love doesn’t have a color, so my journey for love shouldn’t be any different than the other 12 Bachelorettes that were in front of me.” Verna likes what she hears, and is very pleased to see how “thrilled” Eric is in this relationship. “He’s not a person who’s afraid of commitment.”

We also get to meet Eric’s mom, Karen, who is the one he says didn’t show him love as a child. And her explanation is pretty heartbreaking: “There are a lot of great men in our family, but a lot of them didn’t reach their stars because they always reached for what was next to them, which was their mother. And I didn’t want that for you.” They’ve moved past their issues now, though, and their conversation ends with a sweet hug.

Things get even more moving when Eric sits down with his dad, who apologizes for some of the mistakes he made when Eric was younger. “Yeah, man, I love you, man!” says dad. “I’m gonna love you forever!” And they share the father-son version of a hug: A handshake.

Before Eric bids the Bachelorette goodbye, he tells her that earlier in the day he thought to himself, “Damn, I really love this girl,” which he translates to mean, “I really care about you, like a lot.” So it’s not exactly a full l-bomb, but the Bachelorette doesn’t seemed too fazed by it. “I reaaaally like Eric,” says Rachel. “I’m definitely falling for Eric.”

Date No. 2: Bryan Location: Miami, FL No. of Family Members Present: 5

¡Bienvenido a Miami, rose lovers! But not the touristy parts, mind you — Bryan wants to show Rachel “the real Miami,” so he meets her at Domino Park. After getting their butts beat in dominoes by two cute old dudes, Rachel and Bryan sample some local cuisine and do a quick impromptu salsa. But a cloud hangs over the day — in the shape of Bryan’s mother. Will she deem the Bachelorette worthy of her only child, or will she rain on Rachel’s love parade? Let’s find out.

Olga, Bryan’s mom, greets Rachel and her son (aka “the most precious thing I have in my life”) warmly, but she’s obviously feeling a little stressed out.

“We really have such a wonderful relationship, that for me a woman that separate him from me — that would be terrible,” Olga tells us. So she’s not about to let her baby boy walk off with some reality TV star.

“You have gone out with so many girls, and you go to a show, and you fall in love with the girl of the show?” says Olga, with a wry laugh. “I’m in shock!” Mom wants Bryan to take his time and “get to know” this woman before doing anything rash. “And she knows if she messes with the mother, that’s not good,” warns Olga. “That’s not being smart. Because we are blood.”

Over in another room, Bryan’s step-sister (or cousin? family friend? Bryan referred to himself as his mother’s “only child”) is filling Rachel in on why things didn’t work out with Bryan’s last girlfriend. “She was threatened by the relationship that he had with his mother,” says the unidentified brunette. “She wanted him for herself, so that was her demise.”

Is it me, or is it starting to sound like Bryan’s family is in the mafia? Case in point: “I want to give you a warning,” says Olga when she sits down with Rachel. “You are marrying the family, too.” And in case you’re still not convinced:

Rachel chooses to believe that Olga’s joking about this…

…but she really, REALLY isn’t. Anyhow, mom tells us that it was “very, very nice, a pleasure” to meet Rachel. “Maybe she’s the one.” But it still makes her cry to say it.

The night goes well enough that Bryan feels comfortable hitting his emotional mark: “I’m very happy right now,” he tells our Bachelorette. “Rachel, I’m in love with you.”

Date No. 3: Peter Location: Madison, WI No. of Family Members Present: 6 (4 adults, 2 babies)

Our salt-and-pepper stud greets Rachel in a sunny downtown square, where they stroll through a farmers’ market before heading to a local joint to meet some of Peter’s friends. “I consider my friends an extension of my family,” he explains. “If [Rachel] can fit seamlessly into that group, it’s going be an amazing thing.” Rachel tells the group that early on Peter made sure to let her know that 8 of his “really close friends” are black.

Awwww, they kid because they love. After awhile Peter pulls his two male buddies aside and confesses his deepest fear: “The idea is that three weeks from basically today, I should be able to get down on one knee and propose — and it’s f***ing terrifying.” This, ladies and gentlemen, is the appropriate response to this show and everything it stands for. Peter’s friends definitely have some thoughts on this matter, too, but they’re either too polite or too intimidated by the cameras to speak their minds. Instead:

Instead, Peter’s buddies assure him that Rachel seems great, they seem to be “clicking,” and that he shouldn’t “be scared of the future.” That puts Peter’s mind at ease a bit, but he’s still not about to go ring shopping (until Neil Lane shows up at his door, that is). “I don’t make rash decisions,” he reminds us. “That’s not who I am.”

Ok, Kraus family — you’re up! Peter introduces Rachel to his mom Lynn, his dad Gary, brother David, sister-in-law Brooke, and their two kids Hudson and Charlotte. They’re a very welcoming group, right down to the marquee in their home theater.

“In my heart, I feel like he’s ready for this,” Brooke tells Rachel. “I hope that soon he’ll be able to show you that.” Peter hopes so, too, but as he tells his mom, he’s worried that in three weeks when he’s supposed to propose, “I’ll still have my walls up, and I’ll regret missing an opportunity.” Mom supports him no matter what, of course, but she’s also not going to tell Rachel what she wants to hear. Let’s listen in:

As I mentioned before, I find this pretty confusing. So Peter’s ready “to start a family” and have “commitment to a person,” but “it may not be a marriage”? Once you’re ready to have kids with a life partner, what’s the barrier to marriage, pal? I suppose it could be any number of things, but again, try to remember this rule of thumb: If the idea of marrying someone makes you nervous, do not agree to be a contestant on The Bachelorette.

Testify, girlfriend. Rachel’s worries grow when Peter doesn’t offer the customary “I love you” or “I’m falling in love with you” or “I’m in love with you” that all Bachelorettes expect after the hometown visit. Instead, all she gets from him is, “I’m very happy right now.”

Date No. 4: Dean Location: Aspen, CO No. of Family Members Present: 6

At last, rose lovers, the main event. As we know from Dean (and from the “coming up” promos), this hometown date is not going to be of the warm-and-fuzzy variety. Dean hasn’t seen his dad in two years, so he’s not exaggerating when he says “today will be difficult.” But first, a picturesque picnic.

Rachel will be meeting Dean’s brothers, Brad and Ross, his sister Skye, and Brad’s girlfriend Ashley. And she’ll also come face-to-face with Dean’s dad, a “converted Kundalini Yoga Sikh” whose name is Paramroop. (I’m not even going to pretend I spelled that right, but you get the idea.) “It means ‘divinely beautiful,’ and it’s a self-given name — so that speaks a little bit to his character,” explains Dean with a sad laugh. “This is new as of six years ago, so he’s not the father I had growing up.” Dean’s stepmom Sintontaur (again, sp???) will be there too.

Dean also admits that he’s never really told his father how abandoned he felt after his mom passed away, and Rachel’s look says it all.

“Well, I’m just saying, like, maybe you should tell him he wasn’t.” (And do it on camera, yell all the Team Bachelorette producers from the control room.)

It’s hard not to feel for Dean as he and Rachel walk up the road toward Paramroop’s ramshackle house.

It’s the first time Dean’s whole family has been under the same roof in eight years, and he is definitely not ready. “This is going to be awful,” he whispers to Rachel. “Let’s just get through it.”

The welcome is a less than traditional one, in Bachelorette terms.

“Where’s the table at? Why are we all on the floor?” asks Dean with a nervous giggle. Rachel is unfazed, and begins greeting everyone in the family with hugs. Poor Dean tells us that his strategy for surviving the day is “suppressing every single emotion that I’m trying to feel, just keeping it down, buried far down as it can go.”

And that’s not going to be easy, especially when Paramroop presents Dean and Rachel with two feathers, as symbols of the love and spirit of Dean’s late mom, Debbie.

Oy, his sad face is just killing me. After dinner, Rachel and Skye retire to a swing in the backyard and talk about Dean’s “anger” towards his dad, and the need for the two of them to talk out their issues. “He’s been through a lot and he’s always been, like, the strongest person,” says Skye through her tears. “I really admire him about that so much.”

Inside, meanwhile, Dean is tentatively broaching the subject of the past with his dad. “Do you remember the disagreements we had when I was in high school, after mom passed away?” he asks Paramroop. “Did you understand my frustration at that point?” Dean’s dad says he was “absolutely” there for the family after Debbie’s death, but admits he was angry too. “It was horrible watching your mother die!” he cries. “That’s why I was angry.”

It’s an intense, raw conversation, and not easy to watch. The pathos of Paramroop’s situation — a grieving dad being thrust into the role of sole parent to three devastated kids — is tantamount to Dean’s. But unfortunately that pain doesn’t unite father and son — it just pushes them father apart. “There were a lot of moments where I personally felt abandoned,” Dean tells his dad, and it seems that’s too much for Paramroop to bear.

“If you really feel that way,” he says, “there’s really no need to carry [on] this conversation is you — so whatever you think of me, is really what you think of yourself.” There’s nothing to work through, Paramroop continues — the real problem is that Dean has “one f***ing foot stuck in the past.”

With that, the conversation is over. Paramroop goes outside to cool off, but there he finds Rachel. “Can I talk to you for a second?” she asks. “If you must,” is the curt reply. Paramroop reluctantly sits down to talk, but then he remembers the cameras.

“No, no. I regret this,” says Dean’s dad, standing up. “This doesn’t work.” He tells Rachel that should she and Dean stay together, they are “more than welcome” to visit again, but he’s still reeling from the revelation that his son “has such harsh feelings” about him, and so tonight, he’s done.

The Bachelorette goes back inside to find a despondent Dean lying on a pile of pillows. Even with — or perhaps because of — all the evening’s emotional tumult, Dean still has the presence of mind to make one final sales pitch to Rachel. “I’m falling in love with you,” he murmurs, and Rachel seems happy to hear it. “I’m falling in love with you, too,” she replies softly.

Or is she?

Rose Ceremony Location: Dallas, Texas No. of Family Members Present: 1 (Papa Harrison)

The host has Rachel walk him through her feelings for each man after the hometown dates. Eric has a wonderful “energy,” but is he truly in love or is it just infatuation? Bryan is the only one who professed his love, though his family was a little “skeptical” at first. Peter remains a little too “reserved,” while Dean doesn’t know “what to do with all these feelings.” Still, Rachel says she’s “really struggling” with the idea of sending someone home.

Oh girl, just rip the band-aid off already. “Making the decision that I have to tonight has not been easy,” says the Bachelorette. “I’m so sorry that I have to do this.” And the roses go to: Bryan, Eric, and… Peter.

Ugh, this poor kid. Stoic to the end, Dean walks arm-in-arm to the Bye-Bye Bench with Rachel. She assures him she meant it when she said she was falling in love with him, but she’s just not convinced he’s “ready” for marriage. “I hope you find what you’re looking for,” replies Dean sadly. As he walks out of the hotel to the waiting Reject Limo, it’s impossible not to wonder… why are his pants always so damn tight?

“I’m shocked and confused,” Dean tells us. “I think she’s an incredible woman. I just think that tonight she made a mistake.”

On that note, rose lovers, what do you think? Did Rachel make the right choice? Did Dean’s family scare her off, or did she truly think he wasn’t ready? And seriously, did Rachel forget that Bryan’s mom threatened to kill her? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Read More From Yahoo TV: • Comic-Con 2017: Your Guide to the Panels, Screenings and Events • ‘Game of Thrones’ Season 7 Premiere Recap: Castle Mania • ‘Game of Thrones’ or ‘Twin Peaks’: Which Show is Better?

[patricksilvrrozartistry]

Current Music Obsessions: June 1 - 15, 2017

This whole month is gonna be a bit of a doozy for these posts. I’m purging through my watch later playlist again, so there’s quite a few entries. Let’s start with the many honorable mentions.

Ravenscry - Overload Elyose - plus qu'humain feat Florent Jannier (Arkan) Divitius - Sky Endless Main - Age of Darkness Amesoeurs - Amesoeurs Dopamine - II Mouth of the Architect - Lullabye Evig Natt - A Final Lament Blind Saviour - Reign of the Robot Clans The Longing - 40 Days Flora Cash - Nothing Lasts Forever (And It's Fine) DragonForce - The Game feat. Matt Heafy (Trivium) Tesseract - Retrospect Clouds - How Can I be There OverAlive - Lucid Reverie Draconian - The Death of Hours Chronicode - Break Out Of Devilment - Father Dali Ten - Paragon Band-Maid - Daydreaming Despite Exile - Absent Foundation Moonlight Asylum - Can't Save You Anymore Mastercastle - Drink of Me Midnight - After Death Scarlet Haven - Titan, I Am Psyborg Corp. - World Genocide Blast Port Noir - Tide Across the Divide - Worthless Lamb - Wise Enough

Now for the many actual obsessions.

1) The Anix - Again

This is the second song I've heard from them and I am really enjoying their sound. It's so lovely and so great to chill to. I love the strings in this track too. They add an extra dimension to the song's sound that really takes it to another level even though it's only something so simple. I am definitely gonna give their new album a listen.

2) Kimberly Freeman - Rust

I'm already quite familiar with Kimberly's band One-eyed Doll, so when I saw that she released a track using her actual name, I was quite intrigued. It's so very different from One-eyed Doll. The only resemblance is her voice. It's so doomy and atmospheric and so beautiful. If you've ever wondered if Kimberly could do something gorgeous, this is the song.

3) Cellar Darling - Black Moon

This song is so good! I am so hyped for the new album, you have no idea. I've always been a big fan of Anna and her voice and hurdy gurdy, and to be able to have a full album featuring her voice singing the way she does with Cellar Darling is so amazing. The unique, soft vocal lines in the chorus and bridge are so pretty, and same goes for the hurdy gurdy solo. Can't wait to hear their debut album.

4) Bonnie Tyler - Holding Out for a Hero

A friend on Facebook shared this song and I got obsessed immediately. I feel beyond late to the party for just then hearing the original version of this iconic song. Bonnie's voice is just so epic and the song itself is epic. I low key wish a symphonic metal band would do a cover of this and make it over-dramatic. I would love that.

5) Tiamat - Carry Your Cross and I'll Carry Mine

I discovered this song on Pandora one day and decided to look it up at a later date, and when I did, I kept listening to it. It's such a simple song, but the execution of it and the blend of the two singers' voices is what makes it and it's absolutely gorgeous. A great gothic metal track.

6) Nemesea - Dance in the Fire

This is Nemesea's first single featuring their new front woman, Sanna Mieloo. Bruh. This song is so good! I was very worried about the new singer not being able to compare to Manda, which she doesn't, but she's still an amazing fit for the band and will more than likely be able to give Manda's songs great justice. Well, I don't know about the stuff from their debut album, Mana, but I don't think they've performed any songs from that album in years, so everything should be good. ANYWAYS, definitely give this track a listen.

7) Scenario II - Awake

This song is so good. I just wish the choir bits were turned up a bit higher. Other than that, this track is epic. Of the few tracks I've heard from them, I feel that this track really shows this band's potential and versatility. I was especially thrown off when their female singer unleashed them screams in the bridge leading up to the song's exit.

8) Lighthouse in Darkness - Oceanbliss

I discovered this band while searching on the metal archives to see if Helen Vogt had been featured on anything or was in any new projects since the split of the epic gothic metal band Flowing Tears. When I read their description, the fact they describe their sound as melancholic, cinematic trip-hop, I was immediately intrigued. I then found this track and fell in love. This song is fucking gorgeous. It's so nice to hear Helen's voice, ESPECIALLY her singing as low as she is on this track. I can't wait to hear more from this band, because I'm already hooked!

9) The Great Discord - The Red Rabbit

Guys. This song is so good! I've been so hyped for the new album, and this song is further fueling the hype. It's so interesting, weird and catchy. I'm constantly finding myself singing "hop, hop, hop into the rabbit hole" randomly throughout the day. Also the video is insane and the imagery is slightly creepy, yet so creative and out of the box.

10) Heretoir - The White

I discovered this band through a friend when wanting to find blackgaze bands to listen to. This song is more post metal, but I still absolutely love it. The aggression and beauty of this track are both intense and it's so great to just chill out to.

11) Weeping Silence - Ivy Thorns Upon the Barrow

I decided to listen to this track because I couldn't remember it. So glad I checked it out again. It's so lovely and epic. I love beautiful gothic doom metal tracks like this. And their current front woman has such a strong and beautiful voice.

12) Symphonian - Path of a Soul

I randomly discovered this gothic doom metal band one day while listening to either Weeping Silence or Draconian. So glad I decided to give this song a listen. It's so gorgeous and wonderful. The violins are to die for. Definitely am gonna check out more from these guys.

13) Amederia - Who We Are

This is a gothic doom metal band that I need to hurry up and listen to entirely already. I have loved every track I've heard from them, and this song is no exception. It's so beautiful, haunting and melancholy. The slowness of this song, like the others that I've heard from them, capture so much raw emotion that it can be overwhelming. So good.

14) Lethian Dreams - White Gold

This is an ambient doom metal band that I discovered last year, but haven't gotten around to listening to much of their work yet. This track is so lovely and pretty. Perfect song to chill to. It reminds me a bit of Trees of Eternity, just not as aggressive (which Trees of Eternity aren't even that aggressive).

15) Omnimar - Reason

I discovered this band a few months back and decided to check out another song by them and this is what I decided to listen to. This is such a great EBM/synth pop track. It's so pretty and pleasant. I really want to listen to their new album they've released this year, as well as other bands similar to them.

16) Vuur - Days Go By-London

Bruh. I was excited when Vuur was first announced, and after hearing this track, I can't wait to hear more! It's such a great and aggressive prog track. I must admit, the thing I looked most forward to with this project was that Anneke Van Giersbergen and Marcela Bovio were going to be singing together, so needless to say I was bummed that Marcela left the project. But no matter, I'm still gonna keep up with and jam out to this band.

17) Eivør - Surrender

If you want a haunting ambient/experimental track to chill to, look no further. This track is absolutely gorgeous. The exit is everything. Those notes that she lets out are just so beautiful and haunting. So lovely.

18) Trisha Paytas - Silence

I wasn't expecting much when I decided to listen to this track. Trisha is a good singer, but I thought I would become obsessed with a song of hers like I did with this track. It's so gorgeous. This is the prettiest that I've ever heard her sing and I love it.

19) October Ends - Faith in Me

I discovered this band a while back through Instagram after the lead singer either followed me or liked one of my posts. They're a metalcore band that's rather impressive to me. There's something about them that stands out compared to a lot of metalcore bands, but I can't quite place what it is. Either way, this track is epic.

20) Sirenia - Darkling

I decided to listen to Perils of the Deep Blue after so many years and I immediately got obsessed with this song. It just exudes the vibe that Norwegian gothic/gothic doom metal bands had back in the 90's and early 2000's and the vibe the band had back in those days. Dark and slightly doomy. So good.

21) Lisa Gerrard - Sanvean (live)

I was listening to a song Lisa was featured on by Havasi one day and came across this song and immediately fell in love. Lisa has one of those voices that is completely original and can never be replicated by anyone. She's such a huge vocal inspiration of mine, and this song is just one of the many examples why that is. It shows so much of her range and is so gorgeous. Oh, how I'd love to see and hear her live one day.

That’s it for the fist half of this month. The next half is probably going to be as long or possibly longer than this half. Sorry, not sorry. Hope you guys enjoy these amazing songs!

[amirosebooks]

spn meme at work

Stole this shamelessly from @helianthus21​ and @bend-me-shape-me tagged me.

1. What season did you start watching Supernatural? I wanted to watch it when it first came out in 2005 (or whenever) cause a lot of my friends on livejournal were watching it back then, but I didn’t have tv and internet tv streaming just... wasn’t here yet. Then, when it actually started to be a thing, the show was delving into the whole angels vs demons thing and that didn’t appeal to me at all. (Though, tbh, aliens don’t appeal to me either but X-Files is my forever ride or die show, so...) I finally got around to giving the show a shot in... 2014? I remember watching Tumblr freak out live as the angels fell and I started making my husband watch it with me on Netflix a couple weeks later. He got through 6 seasons before tapping out and I got to them going to Purgatory before my life imploded to the point that I had to take a nearly year long break from it. I binged the rest of the show at the beginning of this year.

2. Who was the first character you fell in love with? Dean. I knew he’d be my favorite back when I was watching the fandom form on livejournal so that wasn’t a surprise at all.

3. Who was a character that you hated at first but grew to love? Oh, I think I’ve hated all of them (including the brothers) at one point or another in the show, but I also love them all. Maybe Crowley? I can’t remember if I hated him though...

4. Which character would you most want to be in a long-term relationship with? Eh, none of them.

5. If you could go on a date with just one character, which one would you choose? Same as the answer above. Wait, no, I take that back. Abbadon. That would be awesome.

6. What would you do on that date? Well, when a girl likes a girl... lol I don’t know, whatever terrible thing she wanted tbh.

7. Which character would you most want to be like? Charlie was amazing. Lisa deserved so much better and was amazing. Sam is such a fucking optimist for all the shit he’s gone through.

8. Which character would you most want to see brought back from the dead? CHARLIE CHARLIE CHARLIE!!! And Kevin and Eileen!!! And Alicia, because her death gave me a weird sort of bitterness.. she was such a fun character with so much potential behind her and without her Max is just a depressing character to me so yeah. <-- I’ll take this answer too. I’ll add John in for a temporary back from the dead thing for closure.

9. Which character would you most like to punch? Metatron. I didn’t care for his character at all. Lucifer could be erased from existence at this point and I’d clap and throw confetti too.

10. Who is your absolute favorite character? Dean and Cas. I love the female villains, but TPTB have no idea what to do with female villains so they’ve always been under utilized. And Benny, I lurve Benny.

11. Which “Big Bad” do you think was the worst? Lucifer can just go away now. I don’t care about him at all anymore. Metatron was boring.

12. Which character are you most like? Dean in a lot of ways. With some of Charlie’s sweetness and Abaddon’s bravado mask.

13. What death hit you the hardest? Charlie because it was just so dumb an unnecessary. Same to Eileen. And Kevin. Alicia with the above mentioned reason too. Bobby. <-- Keeping this answer too. I’d like them to give Mary some real growth too, since she was always the biggest bullshit death before they brought her back. Benny too.

14. What season finale hit you the hardest? Fuck if I can remember right now. Probably season 3 at the time.

15. What are your ten all-time favorite episodes? Oh hell. I don’t remember episode names for the most part, but: Mystery Spot because Gabriel/Groundhog’s Day; the one where Demon!Dean went after Sam with a hammer; the LARPing one; any of the episodes with Benny/Purgatory flashbacks; Gabriel’s first episode (I think that was this one) where they boys were describing the case from each other’s point of view or whatever... it was a great rendition of “Bad Blood” from The X-Files and made me nerd out; Cas’s fall episode where he was first dealing with being human and coping with it tore my fucking heart out and was awesome even though I know it’s wanky too; the episode where Metatron kidnapped Cas and Cas got to talk to Gabriel again too.

16. What’s been your favorite season? 8/9/10 that whole stretch is awesome for me.

17. Who is your favorite angel? Castiel  and Gabriel.

18. Who is your favorite demon? Abaddon and Crowley

19. Who’s your favorite evil character? Abaddon and Bela, though the latter was more grey than a truly evil character.

20. Do you have any Supernatural ships? Destiel, Saileen and I can get down with some Sabriel once in a while.

21. Who’s your favorite supporting actor? I loved Charlie and Abaddon and Chuck as God and Gabriel.

22. What’s your favorite quote from the show? Sam’s speech about feeling too unclean to ever go on a quest killed me. I know there are others, but my brain hasn’t held onto them.

23. If you could cast one famous actor in an episode of SPN, who would you choose? I’m down with the John Borrowman as the Impala idea, though I think I’d prefer it if she were played by a black woman instead of him. Or that they went for the fanon idea of the Impala appearing different to different people, so Borrowman for Castiel and someone like the actress who plays Maize on Lucifer for Dean and a Mary look a like for Sam.

24. If you could write your own episode, what kind of creatures would you like to see included? I’d love to see a creature that sends the boys back in time and they have to get help from Castiel in his female vessel that they showed from season 12.

25. Who’s your favorite girl that Dean’s hooked up with? Lisa or Cassie. He loved both of them and the boy deserves nice things.

26. Who’s your favorite girl that Sam’s hooked up with? Eileen (even if they didn’t actually hook up); Amelia; Sarah Blake and Ruby 2.0... even though it was an unhealthy hookup on the show, you could see their chemistry and she’s hot AF.

27. What are some of your favorite convention moments? I don’t really keep tabs on the conventions.

28. If you were going to guest star (or be a recurring guest star) on SPN, how would you want your character to be described? I’d play a villain all day long. I’d be happy with some kind of Dark!Charlie / Abbadon hybrid character.

29. What do you hope to see in the next season? To see Sam get to explore the shit he actually likes instead of what he thinks will redeem himself because of his guilt over the demon blood thing (which is not his fault). For Cas to find his place and his inner strength again. For Dean to accept and embrace the fact that he can have happy things. For Mary to choose where she wants to be and how she wants to be.

30. - 40. If you had to choose…

Bobby or John? Bobby

Bela or Ruby? Bela

Jess or Madison? Jess

Jo or Lisa? Shit. You can’t make me choose.

Charlie or Kevin? Charlie (I never connected well with Kevin, but that was probably due to the choppy nature of my first watch through cutting up his storyline.)

Balthazar or Ash? Balthazar

Cas or Crowley? Cas

Ben or Claire? Claire because she’s more of an actual character than Ben was. I loooooove Dean with Ben, but we never got to get to know Ben.

Jody or Donna? Oh fuck you, I won’t choose between these ladies either. lol

Sam or Dean? Dean, dammit.

tagging: @morningstarcas; @larchwood; @mittensmorgul; @casbakespie and anyone else who wants to do the thing

[kbaldwin0609]

‘The Bachelorette’ Hometown Dates Recap: ‘You Are Marrying the Family, Too’

Rachel Lindsay and Eric in ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ (Photo: ABC)

Warning: This recap of The Bachelorette episode 8 contains spoilers. 

The final four, rose lovers! Hometown dates are here, the time in the Bachelorette’s life where she visits four families and chooses eliminates the one she least wants to visit on major holidays. Let’s get to it!

Date No. 1: Eric Location: Baltimore, MD No. of Family Members Present: 9

Rachel meets Eric in a park alongside Baltimore’s waterfront (the focus of many episodes of the best TV show of all time, The Wire), aka “the nice part of the city,” notes Eric. “But this is not the realness of where Eric comes from.” They hop into the car and head into Eric’s old neighborhood, which has a far more inner-city feel.

Photos: ABC

Fun fact: Even in heels, the Bachelorette can ball.

Eric’s old friend Ralph drops by the court and praises his buddy for taking “a different path” and being a “stellar student” growing up. When the time comes for Rachel to head to Eric’s aunt’s house, she’s feeling a lot of “pressure,” because she’s the first woman Eric has ever introduced to his relatives. And she’s got cameras in tow! Shouldn’t be weird at all. On the other hand, they sure get a warm welcome:

Aunt Verna sits down with Rachel first, and she wants to talk about “r-a-c-e” — specifically, how did Rachel deal with being the first black Bachelorette. “I’m getting judged by black people, and I’m getting judged by everybody else,” admits Rachel. “Love doesn’t have a color, so my journey for love shouldn’t be any different than the other 12 Bachelorettes that were in front of me.” Verna likes what she hears, and is very pleased to see how “thrilled” Eric is in this relationship. “He’s not a person who’s afraid of commitment.”

We also get to meet Eric’s mom, Karen, who is the one he says didn’t show him love as a child. And her explanation is pretty heartbreaking: “There are a lot of great men in our family, but a lot of them didn’t reach their stars because they always reached for what was next to them, which was their mother. And I didn’t want that for you.” They’ve moved past their issues now, though, and their conversation ends with a sweet hug.

Things get even more moving when Eric sits down with his dad, who apologizes for some of the mistakes he made when Eric was younger. “Yeah, man, I love you, man!” says dad. “I’m gonna love you forever!” And they share the father-son version of a hug: A handshake.

Before Eric bids the Bachelorette goodbye, he tells her that earlier in the day he thought to himself, “Damn, I really love this girl,” which he translates to mean, “I really care about you, like a lot.” So it’s not exactly a full l-bomb, but the Bachelorette doesn’t seemed too fazed by it. “I reaaaally like Eric,” says Rachel. “I’m definitely falling for Eric.”

Date No. 2: Bryan Location: Miami, FL No. of Family Members Present: 5

¡Bienvenido a Miami, rose lovers! But not the touristy parts, mind you — Bryan wants to show Rachel “the real Miami,” so he meets her at Domino Park. After getting their butts beat in dominoes by two cute old dudes, Rachel and Bryan sample some local cuisine and do a quick impromptu salsa. But a cloud hangs over the day — in the shape of Bryan’s mother. Will she deem the Bachelorette worthy of her only child, or will she rain on Rachel’s love parade? Let’s find out.

Olga, Bryan’s mom, greets Rachel and her son (aka “the most precious thing I have in my life”) warmly, but she’s obviously feeling a little stressed out.

“We really have such a wonderful relationship, that for me a woman that separate him from me — that would be terrible,” Olga tells us. So she’s not about to let her baby boy walk off with some reality TV star.

“You have gone out with so many girls, and you go to a show, and you fall in love with the girl of the show?” says Olga, with a wry laugh. “I’m in shock!” Mom wants Bryan to take his time and “get to know” this woman before doing anything rash. “And she knows if she messes with the mother, that’s not good,” warns Olga. “That’s not being smart. Because we are blood.”

Over in another room, Bryan’s step-sister (or cousin? family friend? Bryan referred to himself as his mother’s “only child”) is filling Rachel in on why things didn’t work out with Bryan’s last girlfriend. “She was threatened by the relationship that he had with his mother,” says the unidentified brunette. “She wanted him for herself, so that was her demise.”

Is it me, or is it starting to sound like Bryan’s family is in the mafia? Case in point: “I want to give you a warning,” says Olga when she sits down with Rachel. “You are marrying the family, too.” And in case you’re still not convinced:

Rachel chooses to believe that Olga’s joking about this…

…but she really, REALLY isn’t. Anyhow, mom tells us that it was “very, very nice, a pleasure” to meet Rachel. “Maybe she’s the one.” But it still makes her cry to say it.

The night goes well enough that Bryan feels comfortable hitting his emotional mark: “I’m very happy right now,” he tells our Bachelorette. “Rachel, I’m in love with you.”

Date No. 3: Peter Location: Madison, WI No. of Family Members Present: 6 (4 adults, 2 babies)

Our salt-and-pepper stud greets Rachel in a sunny downtown square, where they stroll through a farmers’ market before heading to a local joint to meet some of Peter’s friends. “I consider my friends an extension of my family,” he explains. “If [Rachel] can fit seamlessly into that group, it’s going be an amazing thing.” Rachel tells the group that early on Peter made sure to let her know that 8 of his “really close friends” are black.

Awwww, they kid because they love. After awhile Peter pulls his two male buddies aside and confesses his deepest fear: “The idea is that three weeks from basically today, I should be able to get down on one knee and propose — and it’s f***ing terrifying.” This, ladies and gentlemen, is the appropriate response to this show and everything it stands for. Peter’s friends definitely have some thoughts on this matter, too, but they’re either too polite or too intimidated by the cameras to speak their minds. Instead:

Instead, Peter’s buddies assure him that Rachel seems great, they seem to be “clicking,” and that he shouldn’t “be scared of the future.” That puts Peter’s mind at ease a bit, but he’s still not about to go ring shopping (until Neil Lane shows up at his door, that is). “I don’t make rash decisions,” he reminds us. “That’s not who I am.”

Ok, Kraus family — you’re up! Peter introduces Rachel to his mom Lynn, his dad Gary, brother David, sister-in-law Brooke, and their two kids Hudson and Charlotte. They’re a very welcoming group, right down to the marquee in their home theater.

“In my heart, I feel like he’s ready for this,” Brooke tells Rachel. “I hope that soon he’ll be able to show you that.” Peter hopes so, too, but as he tells his mom, he’s worried that in three weeks when he’s supposed to propose, “I’ll still have my walls up, and I’ll regret missing an opportunity.” Mom supports him no matter what, of course, but she’s also not going to tell Rachel what she wants to hear. Let’s listen in:

As I mentioned before, I find this pretty confusing. So Peter’s ready “to start a family” and have “commitment to a person,” but “it may not be a marriage”? Once you’re ready to have kids with a life partner, what’s the barrier to marriage, pal? I suppose it could be any number of things, but again, try to remember this rule of thumb: If the idea of marrying someone makes you nervous, do not agree to be a contestant on The Bachelorette.

Testify, girlfriend. Rachel’s worries grow when Peter doesn’t offer the customary “I love you” or “I’m falling in love with you” or “I’m in love with you” that all Bachelorettes expect after the hometown visit. Instead, all she gets from him is, “I’m very happy right now.”

Date No. 4: Dean Location: Aspen, CO No. of Family Members Present: 6

At last, rose lovers, the main event. As we know from Dean (and from the “coming up” promos), this hometown date is not going to be of the warm-and-fuzzy variety. Dean hasn’t seen his dad in two years, so he’s not exaggerating when he says “today will be difficult.” But first, a picturesque picnic.

Rachel will be meeting Dean’s brothers, Brad and Ross, his sister Skye, and Brad’s girlfriend Ashley. And she’ll also come face-to-face with Dean’s dad, a “converted Kundalini Yoga Sikh” whose name is Paramroop. (I’m not even going to pretend I spelled that right, but you get the idea.) “It means ‘divinely beautiful,’ and it’s a self-given name — so that speaks a little bit to his character,” explains Dean with a sad laugh. “This is new as of six years ago, so he’s not the father I had growing up.” Dean’s stepmom Sintontaur (again, sp???) will be there too.

Dean also admits that he’s never really told his father how abandoned he felt after his mom passed away, and Rachel’s look says it all.

“Well, I’m just saying, like, maybe you should tell him he wasn’t.” (And do it on camera, yell all the Team Bachelorette producers from the control room.)

It’s hard not to feel for Dean as he and Rachel walk up the road toward Paramroop’s ramshackle house.

It’s the first time Dean’s whole family has been under the same roof in eight years, and he is definitely not ready. “This is going to be awful,” he whispers to Rachel. “Let’s just get through it.”

The welcome is a less than traditional one, in Bachelorette terms.

“Where’s the table at? Why are we all on the floor?” asks Dean with a nervous giggle. Rachel is unfazed, and begins greeting everyone in the family with hugs. Poor Dean tells us that his strategy for surviving the day is “suppressing every single emotion that I’m trying to feel, just keeping it down, buried far down as it can go.”

And that’s not going to be easy, especially when Paramroop presents Dean and Rachel with two feathers, as symbols of the love and spirit of Dean’s late mom, Debbie.

Oy, his sad face is just killing me. After dinner, Rachel and Skye retire to a swing in the backyard and talk about Dean’s “anger” towards his dad, and the need for the two of them to talk out their issues. “He’s been through a lot and he’s always been, like, the strongest person,” says Skye through her tears. “I really admire him about that so much.”

Inside, meanwhile, Dean is tentatively broaching the subject of the past with his dad. “Do you remember the disagreements we had when I was in high school, after mom passed away?” he asks Paramroop. “Did you understand my frustration at that point?” Dean’s dad says he was “absolutely” there for the family after Debbie’s death, but admits he was angry too. “It was horrible watching your mother die!” he cries. “That’s why I was angry.”

It’s an intense, raw conversation, and not easy to watch. The pathos of Paramroop’s situation — a grieving dad being thrust into the role of sole parent to three devastated kids — is tantamount to Dean’s. But unfortunately that pain doesn’t unite father and son — it just pushes them father apart. “There were a lot of moments where I personally felt abandoned,” Dean tells his dad, and it seems that’s too much for Paramroop to bear.

“If you really feel that way,” he says, “there’s really no need to carry [on] this conversation is you — so whatever you think of me, is really what you think of yourself.” There’s nothing to work through, Paramroop continues — the real problem is that Dean has “one f***ing foot stuck in the past.”

With that, the conversation is over. Paramroop goes outside to cool off, but there he finds Rachel. “Can I talk to you for a second?” she asks. “If you must,” is the curt reply. Paramroop reluctantly sits down to talk, but then he remembers the cameras.

“No, no. I regret this,” says Dean’s dad, standing up. “This doesn’t work.” He tells Rachel that should she and Dean stay together, they are “more than welcome” to visit again, but he’s still reeling from the revelation that his son “has such harsh feelings” about him, and so tonight, he’s done.

The Bachelorette goes back inside to find a despondent Dean lying on a pile of pillows. Even with — or perhaps because of — all the evening’s emotional tumult, Dean still has the presence of mind to make one final sales pitch to Rachel. “I’m falling in love with you,” he murmurs, and Rachel seems happy to hear it. “I’m falling in love with you, too,” she replies softly.

Or is she?

Rose Ceremony Location: Dallas, Texas No. of Family Members Present: 1 (Papa Harrison)

The host has Rachel walk him through her feelings for each man after the hometown dates. Eric has a wonderful “energy,” but is he truly in love or is it just infatuation? Bryan is the only one who professed his love, though his family was a little “skeptical” at first. Peter remains a little too “reserved,” while Dean doesn’t know “what to do with all these feelings.” Still, Rachel says she’s “really struggling” with the idea of sending someone home.

Oh girl, just rip the band-aid off already. “Making the decision that I have to tonight has not been easy,” says the Bachelorette. “I’m so sorry that I have to do this.” And the roses go to: Bryan, Eric, and… Peter.

Ugh, this poor kid. Stoic to the end, Dean walks arm-in-arm to the Bye-Bye Bench with Rachel. She assures him she meant it when she said she was falling in love with him, but she’s just not convinced he’s “ready” for marriage. “I hope you find what you’re looking for,” replies Dean sadly. As he walks out of the hotel to the waiting Reject Limo, it’s impossible not to wonder… why are his pants always so damn tight?

“I’m shocked and confused,” Dean tells us. “I think she’s an incredible woman. I just think that tonight she made a mistake.”

On that note, rose lovers, what do you think? Did Rachel make the right choice? Did Dean’s family scare her off, or did she truly think he wasn’t ready? And seriously, did Rachel forget that Bryan’s mom threatened to kill her? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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