#doing. very bad today/tonight
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okay gnite, dteam forever
#this is my last post for tonight bc i hit post limit after this 😞#feeling particularly emotional over dteam today :(((#idk very harsh reminder how people treat us that are neurodivergent#so knowing dream found his soulmates who dont talk down to him call him a manipulator make fun of him etc for how he talks and sees things#is very nice 😞💚💚#like they admire him and his intelligence and advice and thoughts u know :(#thinking about interview sapnap did and how good they all are at communicating#like they put in effort into understanding each other but everyone else is like... you Have to do it this way and any orher way is Wrong#and bad#ouh dteam :(((#i have so much to say about them
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Teeny tiny snupdate regarding the new ball python! He's settled in so well and has become a lovely, cuddly - even kissy snake. He was really quite shy to start off with, even handling was scary for him as even though he didn't ball up, he would flinch a lot at unexpected movements. Two months down the line, he seems to really enjoy coming out, nice long tongue flickers and wanting to check everything out. ❤️
#💀 ;; ooc#;; mun rambles#It's not munday but it is Wednesday and I hope everyone is doing well!#I've been doing my chores today since it's my one day off this week and things had to be washed#But new guy wanted to come out today too and he's gotten sooo sweet#snake tw#snake cw#He's gotten a bit bigger too! Up from 160ish grams to almost 190g#Should be on small weaners soon#Will aim for getting his big viv either at the end of the month or start of next :3#Going to try and be active tonight I think I am shaking off this cold at last#Wasn't very strong but it lingered like a bad smell yeesh
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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sending you the best wishes for 2025 (even tho there's still 4 hours to it for me lol) 🫶🏻
happy new year to everyone !!!!!! here's to hoping it's better than this one was :^)
#snap chats#it's year of the wood snake next year you know .... heh ..... <- is a metal snake <- metal snake year wont be until 2062 💀#you know speaking of i find being a metal snake so ironic because my mom absolutely hates snakes. LOL //awkward laughter//#ANYWAY my perpetual mother issues aside it's been a wonderful year with you all so far !!!!#there's sill like five hours left of 2024 for me also so LMAO im getting the speech out too early but idk#who knows if i post anymore tonight lemme speak ...#but yeah ... just my usual sappy behavior an all ... it's been really wonderful chattin with yall#here's to 2025 being funnier and giving us a lot more things to chat about :] !!#whats yalls new years resolutions .... i wanna read more comics .... lol ...#im really bad at doing that if anyones surpsied ... i have a lot of stuff on my To Read list but i never get to them#ive already begun picking up the pace again with my continued reading of the 60's comics but i wanna read more in general#i know i really wanted to start reading more scarlet-witch-centric comics soon ... ive grown very fond of wanda these past weeks..#tho ig that can be said of both the twins but i was just thinkin of wanda today esp. Is That Because Of Rivals LEAVE ME ALOONNEEE#OH BUT ON THAT NOTE. if i can make at least one (1) goofy rivals video next year that'll be fun#anyways !!!! see yall. next year ;] unless i post before midnight jveLKJEAKLJ
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Another weird question for y'all: If you are moderately allergic* to a thing and had been eating it anyway for years because you didn't know, and then when you figure out what you're allergic to you quit eating it at all, can you lose your ability to tolerate even a little bit of it? *a phrase which here means "probably severely allergic but can tolerate small amounts when on antihistamines"
#the person behind the yarn#allergy mention#food mention#I am not sure what I reacted to so severely today#and based on what I ate yesterday there's a chance my burger was cross contaminated with pickle juice#so I could be vinegared?#and it could be that this is just what vinegar allergic reactions are for me now#or it could be the german chocolate baking chocolate bar which I've never had before#or it could be my usual antihistamines but from a new manufacturer so new inactive ingredients#which means tonight instead of my usual double dose of off brand allegra I took benadryl#(DO NOT use my antihistamine usage as a guide. I take very high levels as directed by my doctors)#(seriously for most people this is both overkill and a bad idea)
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Not to be extreme but dear God hold onto hope.
Things will be better one day. People will sing and dance in colorful clothes under dazzling lights again. A parent will rock their child to sleep on a quiet night again. A grandparent will teach their grandchild to cook a family recipe again. People will laugh and cry and love and grieve in the most mundane of ways once more. This will happen no matter what you believe, but hoping and believing in such things will ease your heart and kindle your resolve to see it within your lifetime. Have hope, and you will give life to the world you hope to see.
#ra speaks#personal#current events#okay to reblog btw it’s easy to fall into despair with the news of late but do not surrender your hope#hey so like. had a kinda bad breakdown last night. for personal reasons and *gestures* my deep rooted sense of justice as an autistic human#and I saved the first line of this post as a draft while crying at 10 PM#and not much has changed today but. I am secure in my hope for a better world. my belief in justice for those wronged.#maybe not tonight. maybe not tomorrow. but soon - one day - I will see celebrations of life and love and home for a people torn asunder#I can’t do much. I want to do more than sit safe and cry out for those who have lost their voices to the violence#I’m angry. I’m grieving. but most importantly I’m imbued with hope and love. it’s the least I can do.#and most days it will be all I can do. and should the opportunity arise to do more I will take hold of it with both hands until it burns me#the very same way hope now burns in my heart with the complete conviction that there will be justice and reckoning for these crimes#anyways. my blood sugar is low I forgot to eat dinner. have hope and feed it with the anger and grief you cannot act on now.#vocational woes
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Hey universe,was cancer not enough?
#i would very much like a bottle of wine tonight but chemo#so i will assuredly be taking an edible when work is done#this is bullshit everything is terrible#gonna go watch some boys falling in love to cheer myself up#how's everyone doing?#feel free to reach out if you wanna vent or cry or whatever#how the fuck did it happen again?#and yes i realize this isnt about me and it sounds like im making it about mthwith the cancer remark but#im just pointing out the bad shit in general lol i dunno today sucks take it however you want#and take a hug if you want pne while we're at it
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moodboard
#personal#GODDDDDDD fuck ive thrown up three or four times today and have had horrible other stomach problems and now on top of all that im pretty#sure this has exacerbated my period symptoms bc now my lower back hurts like hell and my legs are so achy and every time istand up i get#lightheaded#it took me a fucking hour to make a smoothie for myself bc i kept feeling weak and at one point had to run upstairs to Expel My Insides in#the middle of it#also all of this means no auditions for me today 👍🏻 messaged director to let her know i wouldn’t be coming in and also to ask her to tell#stage manager that despite my bailing on this i do plan to be involved in crew still 👍🏻 since the stage manager told me she’d see me at#auditions since she’s part of the audition committee. anyway director messaged back saying i could do an email audition which was very#nice of her so i guess im supposed to send a vid of me singing + reading some sides + following a choreographed routine once she sends me#the guide for that which she said she would do later… since she like just said that im guessing it will be like 9 at least by the time she#gets it to me so hopefully it’s fine if i do that tmrw morning instead of tonight bc i don’t want to disturb my roommates#<- we are all students btw sorry this is making it sound like i have a weirdly informal relationship w the audition committee#the music chronicles#anyway also emailed asking if i could take work off tmrw bc i still feel like shit and don’t want them scrambling to figure out the#schedule tmrw morning if i had called then instead. they haven’t replied yet tho#also i feel like. sick bc tmrw is MLK jr day and like what if theyre thinking i thought we had the day off and am now finding out we don’t#and just spitting out an excuse to not come in bc i made plans for it or smth… ugh#lke it would be fine if it were just this but I also requested Feb 7 off not long ago and last week my testing went so overtime like they#are going to think im slacking so bad… :/#i am straight up not having a good time ‼️#cw emetophobia#also if i am still sick tmrw that means no working on crony with lab partner either since we meet on mondays ☹️ was looking forward to that#even if im not sick actually i still shouldn’t go bc i called off work and we work on it in the same building as my workplace so if they#saw me that wouldn’t be great#the engineering chronicles
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i feel so pathetic like genuinely that i have to hear all these people saying they’re having the time of their lives and i think well im having a time. but it’s not the time of my life.
#i expect too much i always have#i woke up so late today but at least i made myself go out and then it was lovely when the sun was out#but then the girl i met up with was nice and everything but i felt like i was putting on a performance of a person who’s not really me#in front of her. because we’re not very similar#and i hate that feeling#so then i cancelled plans for tonight because im tired and my phone’s going to die#and it felt right in the moment but now i feel bad about doing that too
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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hhbh
#okay nvm all that#im having A Day. was supposed to see bf and go to the fair but im sick etc#i was playin videoed games w my friend and ik he didn't purposefully ghost me#he really did get called by his parents or somethin and didnt get back for however long but i dropped from the game and the call bc#i am in a mood . not his fault. that+something else i Really want to check him on but once again its not actually a big deal i am just#cranky. if i did actually get on his ass he would call me and ask if i'm okay which is some bullshit . if i dodged dnd tonight he would do#the same thing but like. mmmm depression. i am very sad. and cranky in pain and i miss my bf and im sick of working at fucking walmart#and now i have to listen to people talk about trump tomorrow and i was gonna see my bf today and i miss him really bad and i dont wanna tal#to anyone else#to be soooo fr i am honestly just like. critically low on affection/attention. rn. i know myself.#i cant just skip dnd that's a shitty move but god i wanna go to sleep <- in pain and sad and cranky and i miss my boyfriend badly#i'm just cranky. but like. augh. let me out of here.#everything sucks. um i have been depressed for going on six months and i am really sick of it. to be honest.
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another morning another free bus journey..
#feeling okay this morning.. im usually better in the mornings its just when the meds wear off that i start to lag a bit#and ruminate ahh. no point ruminating today tho cuz im not gonna be able to have the conversation i want until tmr at the earliest#was nice to call my friend yesterday tho i did complain a little but not abt anything that bad but they were still v sympathetic#which was rly nice of them 🥹#ive been having some difficult dreams these last couple days abt my mum for some reason. well i kind of know the reason why#like we're very similar ppl even if i cant talk to her abt everything in my life bc she would find it too upsetting#so i think my mind includes her in dreams bc shes like. the only person i feel true emotional solidarity with#like she experiences emotional dysregulation + rsd in the same way i do which has sucked for us both but just. we're not alone innit#anyway its ok just dreams its not real anyway#and climbing tonight YEAAAHHHH i just gotta make it thru today#itll all be okay one way or another. aight i need to clock in so i can use the work bathroom i gotta pee rl bad#.diaries#FUCKKKKK MY PERIOD JUST STARTED.....its late why does it have to come TODAY#please dont let the cramps be too bad so i can still climb later 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
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(rant in the tags, might be triggering or something)
#not to be a bitch and rant on tumblr but WHERE ELSE this is my diary since 2011 etc.#soooo i've been very alone for the last two weeks because my fiance is in germany at work and i am at home also working#and oir flatmate is spending the last weeks before uni at home so i've been absolutely alone for weeks now#the only time i talk to people is at work and it's starting to have some weird effect on me because.... i miss work lol#because i miss talking to people and just some interaction.... i am generally a loner and i like spending time in my own company!!!!#but#..... thats just too long. i feel bad and alone and unhealthy. and above all sad.#and today i talked to my friend from work like yeah so it's saturday maybe wine in the late evening?? and she said maybe#and then after a few hours it was no soery i can't i am too tired which. VALID girl i understand#but i let myself hope that i won't be alone tonight and idk maybe have some fun some karaoke whatever#and then#well it won't happen#i feel horrible#i shouldn't but i do#i feel like i will start talking to the walls because i've been talking to myself for too long#also i have the massive urge to just get drunk alone but also like what's the point. of anything#personal#alcohol tw#depression tw#uhh
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need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭
I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO
#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl#i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads#but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl#it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits#and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot#but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road#i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit#and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl#and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper#its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town#and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times#MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL#im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord#IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING#i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think#so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly#during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone#but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us#so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl#AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM#driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl#after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad#but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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beaver gnawing on wood noises
#purrs#delete later#this is gonna be a bad / hard post and i’ll have to delete it. like it feels like in making it im invoking cosmic forces to show me karma or#idk like being an ingrate or whatever. but sometimes i find myself on social media rabbitholes looking at instagram pages of.. women who#like really genuinely appear to be good moms to their kids. and love them for who they are and don’t try to make them anything different.#and who celebrate their quirks and stuff. and even share interests with them at the bare minimum. and it just makes me want to sob. like the#knot in my throat. i shouldn’t do it bc i just hurt myself but it’s like. im so lucky i have a mom and that she provides for me. and i know#there are valid reasons for that being all she can do. but also why can’t she… idk.why can’t she ummm love me. or celebrate me. or find#magic in me. or at the very least accept my humanness and be open to me like giving her feedback on stuff. even tonight at this panel this o#one woman was like yeah my two daughters call me on stuff and im like you’re right. if i called my mom on stuff (and i do) she would give me#the silent treatment (and she has) or eviscerate me (and she has). and people in my work life and on here call me endearing and say all#these things. but it’s like none of it can fill up the absolute aching pulsing void that is… my mom. my mom!!!!! is just a person i live#with anr resent most of the time. who has hurt me so badly. and i could have had a mom who like. let me sing and didn’t mock me for it.#and who came in and said goodnight to me and my sister instead of leaving us to o ur own devices because we’re twins and we had each other.#and 14 years ago today was the day that fully cemented in that she could not be that kind of mom and would never be. and i know she tried so#hard and i know she has been hurt and is still hurting. but i just want to scream. like everyone deserves a mom who loves them for who they#are and shit. and how fucking unfair is it that.. like it sounds so selfish and entitled. b it how fucking unfair is it that i got a mom who#im afraid of and then there are people like fucking… m*lissa err*co and sh*ron wh*atley (those are just the famous ones) who by all#appearances seem to be like.. not only loving but open. seeing their children as human and magic all at once. instead of a war prize and a#symbol of their own hardships or whatever. like it’s just so fucking unfair. i hate that this is the way things are for me and that it will#never change and that if it ever does i have to be the one to change it or i have to heal from it and let go of it. like FUCK that! i want#love from my mom! FUCK the fact that she can’t give it to me!!! she has to!!!!!! but she won’t. idk. delete post <3#like so genuinely i should not be even typing these words bc god is gonna smite me now lol. but my heart is howling#and the shitty thing is i don’t think i’ll be able to be that kind of mom if i ever become one bc of how badly all of this has hurt me. and#bc of all that i don’t even think i want to become a mom anymore bc i don’t want to be the reason a child feels this way or grows up to.
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