#doing this made me much more motivated to actually practice! which is good because i'll be honest

[clowndensation]

WELL i drew my first charoum, but he has no shading because. i don't want to. that's something for the me who's practiced in the future to tackle. the me who didn't have to google "how do you erase in procreate". the me who didn't spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to move layers around. etc.

okay things that i learned during this exercise: 1. i hate the brush that i used. pick a better brush. this matters. 2. better to have 8000 layers than to fuck yourself by wanting to change your character's skin color, only to realize you also drew his hair outline on that layer. 3. you can't just draw a bunch of lines for hair. you actually need to lineart that. i didn't do that here. which is why it. uh. looks like that. hehe <3

okay that's it <3 he's watching gorty (currently on hour 34 of no sleep) almost blow his hand up because he fucked up one of the arcane components of a steel watch prototype. yes charoum knows healing word. no he has never once used it on anyone.

[yellowocaballero]

hi! i've been reading some of your older fics and was wondering if there's any merit in watching buffy for the first time in the year 2024

This may not be obvious, but this is actually an extremely complicated and highly subjective question. I'll try to go on for too long.

As background: my mother loved Buffy and its spin-off Angel growing up. It was our Bible (besides the actual Bible). Not kidding, she was on the forums and fan groups and wrote fanfiction for it and everything (These days, she's really into kdramas and Asian dramas, and calls me about how the Thai seem like big fans of gay people). So I'm quite biased.

BTVS is both a product of its times and ahead of its times. It was a show about feminism and the struggle of living in this world as a woman, when very few shows were doing that. It was the first show to have a long-lasting lesbian couple, and the first show to depict a kiss between them. For better or for worse, it was one of the codifiers of broody vampire boyfriend. It was pretty unafraid to be experimental in a lot of what it did. It had incredibly complex and nuanced character work and growth that I still aspire to. Spike's arc is still matched in quality only by Avatar's Zuko. Angel's long term arc, from Buffy to his spin-off series, still makes him one of the most complex characters on TV. It had the most complex depiction of depression on TV at the time and I still think it's one of the best. I think the show had very high highs.

It also had very low lows. Some of the feminism is problematic in retrospect. The sapphic couple has a rather famous element that was severely problematic. There are, overall, some deeply atrocious arcs that I can appreciate objectively but not in practice. Xander: a whole-ass character aged awfully. On a meta level, the workplace conditions were bad (thanks, Whedon.) There are no people of color. The spoiler's sake I won't go into detail on this, but in general the good stuff was so influential and the bad stuff was just awful.

I think these days people tend to brush off the entire thing because it's Whedon. That is more than fair. But I'd also say that Whedon & Buffy is extremely similar to Brian Michael Bendis & Ultimate Spider-Man. Bendis was fantastic at writing sassy, bouncy, permanently stressed-out teens - issue was, he wrote entirely different serious adult characters the way he wrote these sassy teens. Same with Whedon: the annoyingly constant quips are perfect for Buffy, because that's who the characters are. They're awful in Marvel, because Steve Rogers is not Xander. Kinda similarly, Buffy was genuinely feminist for 90s TV - issue is, Whedon has not grown or developed his views, and now his works feel so sexist (oh my fucking god why did you treat Natasha like that). After a certain point it's egotistical: you're writing like that because you're Joss Whedon and it's how you write, not because it's what's best for the characters and story. But it was really important to me to get the character voices right, and it's freaking difficult to endlessly write dialogue that distinct, full of voice, witty, and clever.

I think BTVS & Angel TV's greatest influence on my writing is how intensely character-driven both of those shows were, and how intricate the characters were. What every character did was something they would do, if that made sense. Even the stuff I hated to watch, that made me uncomfortable, was the culmination of so much (usually). I think I also picked up the constant wit and humor lol. On a personal level, the conversations I would have with my mother where she broke down the character motivations and composition of the story was my first exposure to looking at storytelling from an analytical perspective and a framework of critical analysis, which was an approach I carried into the rest of the media I consumed and that was the primary reason I was able to become a decent writer. Thanks, Mom. Have fun with your kdramas.

TL:DR: There is merit, especially if you care about good character work. There are things about it that may make you want to drop it, which is extremely valid. Season 1 is rough but interesting, Season 2 and 5 are the best, Season 3 is pretty good, Season 4 and 7 skippable, and Season 6 is........epic highs, epic lows......

[devskindawritingblog]

Can you, if possible

Write a lottie Matthews x fem reader

Where lottie wants to annoy her father, by pretending she has a girlfriend, which is reader, but she actually does like the reader, so that's why she picks her

And when they are having dinner with her parents.. lottie whispers stuff to reader, little commands to do to piss off her dad, and reader gets EMBARRASSED ASF...

and reader ends up on lotties lap from it.. as lottie is just kissing her neck, like sp gently tho... 😭😭

And reader is UNEXPERIENCED so she's never been In a relationship and has never kissed... 😭

Pls pls pls!?!?

Faux Love

Lottie Matthews x fem reader

AN: Thanks so much for the request. Sorry it took to long I’ve had trouble being motivated. So this one is specifically fem reader so I made the reader more feminine and used she/her and I made reader wear a dress. If you don’t like dresses sorry but you could always imagine something else if you’d like ❤️. But anyways Lottie’s text is in purple.

word count rounded: 1.5k

Here you were, standing at Lottie Matthews huge ass front door. You go to reach for the door handle and hesitate. Is this really a good idea? You think to yourself as you fix up your appearance for the 100th time. Sure you're here to upset Lotties father but you might as well look good. You found an old dress you had forgotten about in the back of your closet, It was a cute floral printed dress. You flattened it again and finally knocked on  the door, quickly retracting your hand, regretting it immediately.

You hear nothing for a few seconds then the door flies open and it’s Lottie. She is dressed in one of her iconic pink skirts and a pink button up shirt. She smiles widely seeing you. 

“Oh? Hi, you look so pretty. Come in.” She ushers you in getting a good look at you. She quietly shuts the door behind her. Clearly her parents don't know you are here yet.

“ Ok, Here is the plan. We are going to have dinner. You know how my dad is, I could win an award and he wouldn't even care. I want to make him mad. He won't say anything about it because you're a guest, but I want to push him as far as I can. Just you know, be flirty, very romantic, lots of touching.” She says whispering so she doesn't alert her parents. The house is so big anyways she could be yelling and you're sure no one would hear on the other side of the house.

“It’s just Lot i've never done anything like this, like ever.” You say fiddling with your dress.

“ Really? It still shocks me knowing you have never had a girlfriend. You're literally the prettiest girl in the school.” 

“I'm really not Lot.” You say as you feel your face heat up considerably, as you advert your gaze.

“Hey! Don't talk about my girlfriend like that.” She teases giving you a little shoulder squeeze. “I'll guide you I promise, just do everything I say.” She says, sounding like she is already planning what she wants you to do.

You hear footsteps and your anxiety grows and grows. You see both of her parents walk in the front foyer. You realize this is the first time you have ever met her parents. They have never shown up to any of her meets, picked her up after practice, never. They both look exactly like you imagined though, uptight, judgy. Maybe you hang out too much with Nat but pretty much snobby,stuck up rich people. 

“Oh? Um Hello, Charlotte did not tell us that you were already here.” Her mother says, sounding just as stuck up as you imagined. Her father raises a judgemental eyebrow, but doesnt say anything.

“This is your…… friend Charlotte?” Her father asks, you can almost hear the distance in his voice.

“She’s my girlfriend, Dad.” She says as she grabs your hand and presses a kiss to your cheek. You feel your face heat up as Lottie giggles. “ She's a little shy, why don’t we just go have dinner.” Lottie says as she smiles innocently as she rubs your lower back to calm your nerves, which doesn’t help at all.

You make your way through her huge house and make your way to the dining table. You sit down next to Lottie and she makes sure you're sitting right next to her, arm to arm. You start eating, the conversations are pretty dry, small talk and school.

When her parents aren't paying attention Lottie leans over and whispers in your ear. “ Next time my dad is looking, grab my hand and give me a kiss, ok?” Lottie whispers as you turn your head a bit to catch a little smile on her face as she pulls back giving your thigh a little reassuring squeeze.

You go back to eating and so do her parents. You look over at Lottie and she nods. You take a deep breath and take hold of Lottie's hand in a way that is visible from the other side of the photo. You lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek, you can feel yourself shiver as you try not to look scared. You pull back and Lottie smiles giving you a kiss on the cheek as well. 

You see her father shift a bit in his seat and clear his throat before going back to eating. Lottie grabs your hand under the table and gives it a little squeeze. You all continue eating and Lottie leans over to whisper another thing. “Ask me for the pepper, but when you do make sure to call me some like pet name.” She smirks very excited to upset her dad even more. 

“Hey uh baby girl???” You say trying so hard not to cringe at yourself but you manage to push through. “Can you pass me the pepper?” You manage to spit it out with only a bit of stuttering.

You glance over and see Lottie’s parents share a look and fight back a comment as Lottie just plays it up. She grabs you the pepper and kisses you on your cheek. 

Dinner continues and her parents excuse themselves to get dessert from the kitchen. Lottie quickly turns to you clearly ready to kick her plan into high gear. “Ok, get in my lap.”

“What?”

“Get in my lap, please come on, I'll say you got cold or something.”

You slowly get out of your chair and Lottie smiles, patting her lap. You fix your dress and lower yourself into her lap. She smiles, wrapping her arms around your waist as she pulls you flush against her chest. Her parents walk back into the dinning room and you can see their surprised look as they sit down.

“She got a little cold so I'm warming her up.” Lottie says as she begins to plant soft kisses on the base of your neck. You've reached a point that your embarrassment has reached a peak and you can’t even speak. Her parents sit down quietly talking to themselves as Lottie keeps up her act. She keeps kissing down your neck so much that you're practically hiding your face in her shoulder.

Lottie stops and smirks. “Mom? Dad? I think we're going to go upstairs, I think she is getting a little fever.” Lottie says feeling your cheeks that are considerably warm. Before her parents can respond she quickly helps you off her lap and drags you up the long stairs to her room.

She opens her door and ushers you in closing it behind you. You take a look admiring her room as she pulls you over to the bed.

“Oh my god, did you see his face!? It was hilarious.” Lottie laughs and smiles but quickly takes note of your embarrassment. “Hey you ok?” Lottie asks, placing a hand on your shoulder. “I didn't make you uncomfortable did I ?”

“No- it's uh- it's just well you know I haven't done anything like that before and in front of your parents.” You stammer out fidgeting with your fingers. “Sorry I was a little over the top, but it worked and now we can go back to normal.” Lottie says and you can almost hear a slight tone in her voice maybe indicating she doesn't quite want it to end.

“But what if I……don't want…… it to……. End.” You whisper a little, slowly down after each word. Lotties eyes widen and she takes a second to process that.

“Um, I'm sorry, I should go.” You say quickly shooting up but Lottie grabs your wrist and pulls you back. She pulls you back next to her and cups your face. You nod before she pulls you into a small kiss. You can taste her cherry lip gloss as you pull her back in for another kiss.

You both pull back and just stare at each other. You both smile and start laughing together. She pulls you back into her arms giving you another kiss.

“I don't want it to end either.” Lottie says as she stares into your eyes.

“ So can we keep up this whole dating thing just without faking it.” You say fiddling with your dress again. Lottie tilts your chin to look at her. “I mean it would really upset my dad.” She says with a smirk. “And I picked you special. Because I liked you, well like you. I really like you.” Lottie confesses and now she is fiddling with her fingers.

“I wanna be your non-fake girlfriend.” You say softly tracing her cheek. “Me too.” Lottie smiles and pulls you into a hug and a small kiss

[cypionate60mg]

Hey I'm that last anon asking you to tell me what to do. I'm realizing now that that ask sounded kinda urgent, I apologize. What I meant to say is you seem like such an interesting man who knows who he is and what he wants and I need your guide on how to live my life more bravely. I'm going to move out soon so I could be myself, it's kind of a huge thing, and I'm scared. I've been realizing that my family will never accept me, and I'm learning to be okay with that, I'll find others who will love and accept me as myself. But I've lived my life rather sheltered, and when I do move out I'll have to figure out everything on my own. I am learning a lot right now, taxes and what to prepare, I guess I just need some motivation? Affirmation. Validation that I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life.

Thank you for thinking of me that way. The version of me that you see here is curated. That doesn't make it any less true. It just means that you think of me as accomplished and clear-headed because that's all I've shown of myself. So it may or may not comfort you to learn that I very often have no idea what the fuck I want, much less how to make it happen. But there are moments I do know, and part of that self-assuredness comes with age, I think. I'm assuming I'm older than you, which means I've had more time to take risks, fail, learn from my mistakes, and hazard a more informed guess the next go-round.

I've also made an effort to spend time with myself and my desires. And I've actually divested from the question of who I am, in favor of focusing on how I want to live. I just don't think the former is a useful question for me. Let the self be expansive in favor of acquiring new interests and experiences.

It sounds like you're already quite brave. Moving out and establishing yourself separately from your family is a huge undertaking. You're going to feel overwhelmed, regardless of how much courage you may have acquired up until this point.

If you've been "rather sheltered", it's important that you experience fear, struggle through it, and survive anyway. You can't be sufficiently, automatically brave in advance of every new challenge. Maybe in the moment, and sometimes after the fact. But it is something you will learn over time.

On a practical level, familiarize yourself with your community and what resources could become useful to you. Food and shelter. You need those things. Make connections with people who are knowledgable and involved. Maybe spend some time volunteering with certain initiatives. It can be a good way to learn how they work in case you need their support.

At the same time, be willing to part with some stability for the sake of pleasure. You can't successfully protect yourself from life and also live it fully. There are going to be risks you regret and opportunities you miss. But life will not pass you by if you remain open to its possibilities.

Good news: you can make the biggest mistake of your life and keep living. I wish the best of luck, anon. If you have any more questions, especially about resources for transition, feel free to message me directly and/or check out the replies.

[rupeenotruby]

Of Courses I Have Horses -Reflection

Ok this is mostly for me but if you have any feedback for the comic I'll leave my anons on for a few days and you can pop it over there!

Anyways proceed with caution, this'll probably be long. Also I'm probably going to be pretty critical of myself here but please don't worry or feel the need to defend me from myself. I actually love critique and if I really do hate what I've made I won't even be able to look at it.

Stats:

Expected Time: Three Weeks (Don't clown on me I have ambitions)

Actual Time Spent: Ten Weeks

Expected Length: 9 Parts (73 Panels)

Actual Length: 9 Parts (72 Panels + one big panel) and one bonus drawing.

Pros/the good:

FINISHED IT!!!!! :D I did it. I did it. I'm the best you know how it is!!! I've always been scared of bigger projects like these because of how intimidating they can get but I did it! I got to the end! And about 83.56% of the panels had an environmental background (not all unique but hey whaddyagonnado).

People liked it!! (unless everybody is lying to me *-* jk jk too many people for that to be true). Sure you shouldn't measure your success on other's opinions but it is nice to know that I'm not alone in my enjoyment of my work.

Updated it pretty regularly! Good to know if I ever want to make a real webtoon.

Horses Researched ✅ I probably have some blind spots having not actually interacted with horses all that much but eh. It is fanfic in the end.

Cons/the bad:

I don't like posting while writing/drawing. Too much pressure even if the pressure was kinda good to motivate me and it was technically imagined anyways.

Colors are ugly. I'm not sure why I chose that color of sky but hmmm.

Backgrounds are present but uninspired and bland. The colors contribute to this but also the fact that I didn't draw the backgrounds before I drew the people most of the time. I also was just referencing images from botw (if you couldn't guess) and this lead them to be flat and like they were not existing where the characters were existing sometimes.

Too wordy in some places. Despite the fact that I chose to do four panel chunks to practice brevity I ended up being too verbose in some situations. One of these was Legend's episode. I felt like people wouldn't get the joke so I over explained it in the dialogue but even then I still don't think people got it got it. This is usually fine but when you over correct and still end up failing it is bad because you end up failing both ends (so to speak). Also the words were not always that good or polished.

Characters were off model frequently. The horses were the worst part as their head shapes would change frequently. This is most likely a result of my lack of experience drawing horses (why I decided to go with a series where I would have to draw a bunch of horses no one will know).

Characters were also ooc (probably) Wild was a little too happy/silly, Four was a little too irrational, Legend was mean mean instead of more accidently mean, and I think the others were fine. They just didn't really get to showcase their personalities all that much.

Lessons for next time:

MAKE A REF SHEET!!! I had to go back and forth between old pages to get the colors and it was such a hassle. Made me not want to color which is bad because I already don't like coloring all that much.

Crank up the threshold on the bucket tool when coloring. Leads to more being colored in and less white bits to fill in later

Write it all out before!! Especially if short like this. Makes it easier.

Put the words before sketching dummy!!! Saves many headaches.

Speaking of which, maybe set the background to be grey so you get less headaches (maybe, unconfirmed if this was the cause of headaches).

Draw (sketch) the background before drawing the characters.

Add clouds to the sky.

Do wrist exercises! Real ones!

Conclusion:

Good experience all around. Many things learned about myself and my creative process. Still not a horse girl but maybe one day.

Anyways this is probably the last you will see of "Of Courses I Have Horses." On to bigger and brighter things!

[batmanfruitloops]

Hi! Im having trouble with starting my first Batman AU and I love the one you two have so I was wondering if you have and tips or pointers of starting one? Like maybe how to introduce characters and such or how to start the story?

Im sorry if this was long or if its too much, have a great day/night!

I think it really depends on what you want out of it. I use this AU to practice skills for my career, such as writing, character-building, animating, etc. I listen to a lot of videos about every part of film production to help me better understand what to do. Especially things related to character. Even if your AU is just for fun, I think it's still a good idea to do a little research about writing. Observing your favorite movies and films helps a lot! I think animated films are a great teacher of storytelling! Especially Pixar films, since their philosophy is "story is king". Watching movies is just how I personally learn, you may have some other way of learning best so take all this with a grain of salt, I'm no expert I'm just very passionate about storytelling especially through animation (though in this case, it's storyboards/comics since that's what is possible right now).

Your characters are everything. I would suggest developing them as much as possible before you introduce them. They should feel like a real and complex person. They shouldn't feel like a robot that are only made to achieve their motivation. Sometimes simple things like "What are their favorite foods?" can start building them up as a person. They should have flaws, blemishes, strengths, hobbies, everything a living person should have. That way when you introduce them, you will have an easier time showing your audience who they are. First impressions are very important to characters, your audience should be able to understand what kind of person they are right off the bat. I think a good example is Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. The whole point of his introductory scene is to tell the audience "he is unpredictable and you will never know what to expect from him." Show don't tell is a very important rule to follow, don't tell your audience what to think.

For starting your story, you need to consider when it is. Is it at the beginning, middle, or end? You can put your audience anywhere in the story, so think about the optimal place they should be for the story to make sense. There are many different versions of Batman but they all begin in a different place of Batman's life. Some stories start at the beginning of him becoming Batman like The Dark Knight, and some start at the end of him being Batman like the Arkham series. It's up to you to consider at what point of your character's life the audience should be placed at.

To be honest, it's all up to you. What do you want? How do you want things to be done? This is all just a big case of "learn the rules to break the rules." Maybe you don't even want to learn the rules at all, and that's ok. It's important to remember to make what you want to see. Your art is for you. There is no right way, just some ways are more efficient than others. Let your soul make its messy finger paintings and enjoy the ride. Because more important than anything is the enjoyment of your work and the process. I have a hard time not being a perfectionist over this AU because it's what I want to do with my life. I want to tell stories. I have to keep reminding myself this is for fun, and it's ok if it's not perfect. It just has to be what I want to make. Honestly, I could ramble on and on about storytelling, so I'll save an 8-page essay (which I actually wrote on a similar topic for class). My DMs are open anyway if you want to ask anything else. I hope this was helpful!

I also agree heavily that your characters should feel like people. And along with that, pacing is really important. You don't want your story to feel rushed or lagging at any point. Like Fluffy said, it's always a good idea to reference your favorite materials. It's good to have moments that are just very real, for lack of a better word.

It's also important to understand your setting. The main focus may be the characters, but you want to make sure they feel present, and not just in a void. Establishing shots are really good for that, since it shows off a large area, then allows you to "voom in" and focus on where ever there's action happening. Reference photos are your best friend here. Use as many as you need, it'll only get easier with time. Which leads to another part of settings; if you're in a characters home/base what makes it theirs? Like how the Riddler usually has question marks and scribbles all over the walls, as well as generally being a mess. It gives you an immediate impression of how scatterbrained and paranoid he can be. In comparison, someone like the Penguin presents a clean, luxurious lounge that shows he means business. Whether or not a character is meant to go through a defining change, it's important that they stay true to themselves as a person. If they had trust issues before, they shouldn't trust someone without a reason. Or perhaps someone makes a mistake, that mistake should have consequences. I just think of this because there's a lot of cartoons where something will happen one episode only for it to be treated like it didn't happen in the next episode. Dialogue is also another important factor. Does that feel like something you could actually hear someone saying? Does the grammar make sense? If their natural pauses? This can be broken up from panel to panel, if it's in comic form. Depending, you can give characters different fonts to emphasize that they sound different, although I'm not an expert in that, it's just something I've seen before.

Again, pacing of characters talking (or thinking, etc.) is a must to be aware of. If spoke that aloud, does it feel rushed? Too slow? Are they giving enough context? As the writer, you know everything that's going to happen. Because of that, writing incomplete sentences can happen. That doesn't mean you have to explain everything in simple terms for everyone, just enough for it to make sense and feel real. If you're going for a comic, layout is another factor to consider. Read as many comics are you want. Stare at how it's set out, how everything flows from one panel to another, one page to another. I'm not much good at this one myself yet, so I just suggest looking at your favorite layouts and figuring out what about them you like. A bit of what I've learned is to consider what's happening. What I mean is, if everything is very straight forward, you can do a bunch of box panels, whereas if you're meant to feeling something along with a character, you can go more organic, there doesn't necessarily need to be boundaries in scenes like that, and a mix is generally good for most scenes. A whole establishing shot can be one page and do plenty.

I tend to ramble, and I have a lot of other stuff that I'm passionate about with writing and visual in comics/storytelling, like colors, symbolism, and lighting, and character design so my dms are also open for anyone who'd like is discuss more, :)

Fluffy and Sarsee

[snugglesquiggle]

Do you like juzi or vuzi more

i'm gonna ramble hella hard about this, sorry, but that's the bargain you strike when you shoot an ask my way

but there's a fun story to my answer. you see, V/Uzi was actually my first interest, and in fact when i started kicking around the idea of writing Murder Drones fanfics, the first idea i seriously tried to work out was a V/Uzi fic

(for the curious, general shape of the idea was that Uzi encounters V first, railgun wipes her memory, fails to befriend her like she did with N and has to run away. Uzi then sneaks out again and again, exploiting the railgun-induced amnesia and errors to try and get through to V, leading to a kind of mutual rivalry as V tries to figure out why she keeps having gaps in her memory.

pretty sure it was going to escalate to Uzi hacking into V and potentially going dubious places. the working title for that fic was "Somnabulation". which means sleep-walking, so it would have been kind of ironic for Somnabulation to be the mind control fic and Hostile Takeover the one that spends half its wordcount in memory simulations)

but i'm rambling.

i never ultimately figured out how to make the V/Uzi fic come together into something i liked. and i didn't have that much motivation to do so, as there are good V/Uzi fics out there, like This World Couldn't See Us or Hold On Tight To This Time, This Place

but, as you'll quickly discover if you search the tag now, J/Uzi fics are a lot less numerous. i did like some of what i saw there, so i didn't have a full on "if i don't do this, nobody will" kind of motivation driving me

but then one day, out of the blue, a single thought occurred to me, an observation, comparison, an answer to the question of "what could a relationship between these two possibly be based on?"

and then the whole fic just crystallized around that thought.

(what was thought? i'll leave that as an exercise for the reader, or perhaps i'll save it for a minor reveal later on in Hostile Takeover. it's not very profound, but when it occurred to me i did have the distinct feeling that i'm not sure anyone had thought of the connection i just made.)

and i want to emphasize, when i say it crystallized, i mean it seriously came together, all at once. on October 31 last year, i jotted down the outline, initially as something to post in a discord brainstorming channel, but then i spent all evening writing more and more, and came out the other end with ten thousand words of notes and scene sketches

but anyway, all of that yapping is a long way to say

at the start i preferred V/Uzi (V was my favorite character, and J barely registered as anything but a joke to me), and i began writing Hostile Takeover essentially as a writing challenge or puzzle to prove something, or even just as a practice run for the fic i really wanted to write.

but i think my phrasing here gives the game away, doesn't it? i think very few people would write nearly 160k words in four months out of mere intellectual curiosity

so to finally, finally answer your question, my favorite is J/Uzi and by a long shot. the relationship absolutely grew on me as i wrote it. i'd genuinely go as far as to say my hot take is that it's actually easier to have J/Uzi make sense than V/Uzi, if you're being truly faithful to both characters. is this because J has less character to be faithful toward? shut up.

i think the biggest factor here is that in the course of writing HT, V stopped being my favorite character. i still find her a lot of fun when i'm reading her in other fics, but writing her has just brought a lot of her flaws to the forefront, and it's hard not to be increasingly frustrated with her character. (is this self-inflicted on my part for writing a plot where V causing problems is the central driver? maybe)

but yeah, i've found myself so much less interested in V/Uzi as time goes on. one of my mutuals has describe vuzi as something to the effect of the blander, safer alternative to juzi, and don't look at me i'm just misquoting him.

[system-of-a-feather]

Related to the last post, but as someone whose gone relatively far with DID recovery - DID recovery is a long journey and process with a long expected time needed to be in therapy to "recover" that sometimes is a life long thing - some people with DID will always be in therapy for their life

And at least from personal experience, that often is interpreted as "I will never be happy and I have to work extraordinarily hard to be ok in life, i have to get help all the time to get what others get without any help"

But with where I am at currently, I realize it is a lot less of "I am so broken I need years of treatment to look even remotely ok" and a lot more of "There is A LOT of things in my life that my past has made a mess of that I have grown used to and accustomed to living with, and because of that, there are SO many ways my life could improve and get better - of course it would take years to not only make my life okay but to make it Flourish."

Cause in the midst of the early stages of healing, all you want is for peace and for things to stop hurting and it can be very easy to perceive the healing journey as one of just trying to get back and "be okay" because that IS where you start

But what you are actually doing is often (save for the very earliest stages usually) not "making yourself okay" but identifying and finding things in your life that could improve your life and make it better for you.

Early on, finding those areas tend to be in places others never had to worry about and are heavily motivated by a need to not feel pain, but later on, it just becomes a deep skill and insight into "what things don't serve me and what things from my childhood and past have lead me into directions that don't make me happy or don't make me as happy as I want" which really is something the average person deals with as well around their young adult ages to their early (general) adulthood.

I was having trouble wording this part of the explanation, so I'll just embrace it being a bit not-flowing, but with DID and C-PTSD you start at a much much shittier starting point than the average person, and that sucks that FUCKING sucks, but it also leaves you to have MUCH MUCH MUCH more room for growth and improvement than the "average person". You start lower, but you can really experience so much more growth that will in turn form a basis for deep insight and overall happiness in life compared to those that didn't start on Hard Mode.

Either way, I'm loosing my flow of thought, so Ill just share a related section from A Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki that I really liked that relates to this:

In our scripture it is said that there are four kinds of horses -- an excellent one, and not so good ones, and bad horse. The best horse will run before it sees the shadow of the whip. That is the best one. The second one will run just before the whip reaches his skin. The third one will run when it feels pain on his body. The fourth one will run after the pain penetrates into the marrow of his bone. That is the worst one. When we hear this story, perhaps everyone wants to be a good horse -- the best horse. Even if it is impossible to be the best one we want to be the second best. That is quite usual understanding of horse. But actually when we sit you will understand whether we are the best horse or the not-so-good ones. Here we have some problem in understanding of Zen. Zen is not the practice to be the best horse. If you think so -- if you understand Zen as a kind of practice to be a best horse you will have a problem -- big problem. That is not the right understanding of Zen. Actually, if you practice right Zen, whether you are the best horse or worst one doesn't matter. That is not the point. If you think of the mercy of Buddha, what do you think the Buddha will feel? He will be more sympathetic with the worst one rather than with the best one. So if you have the right understanding of Zen, or deeper understanding, worst horse should be most valuable horse. And because of the imperfect character of ourselves we have to express our inmost feeling through our imperfect body and characters. Usually those who can sit physically perfect take more time to obtain the marrow of Zen -- the true taste of Zen -- actual feeling of Zen. Those who find a great difficulty in practice of Zen will find more meaning of Zen. So sometimes I think the best horse is the worst horse and the worst horse is the best one. Sometimes. If you study calligraphy, usually those who are not so clever will become best calligraphers, and those who are very clever at his hand will find great difficulty to attain excellent calligraphy. That is quite usual in our art and religion. So we cannot say, "He is good," or "he is bad." The posture we take is not the same. For someone it is impossible to take this posture. Even though he cannot take right posture he can practice Zen in its true sense. In our everyday life we are always ashamed of our self -- reflecting what we are doing. Some student wrote me saying, "You sent me a calendar, and I am trying to follow the good message of the calendar, and I find the calendar undaunted by failure." The calendar is a calendar of failure.

[softsky-daily]

7/17/2024

It was an inside kinda day.

Positive thing: I got a lot of sleep.

I ended up not getting much done just because I was exhausted, and also stressed thinking about internship tomorrow. Going to bed and waking up early and being there all day is just the worst. I'm hoping it won't be so bad this week since our supervisor said she'd take us on field trips to different internship sites, but she might still be sick, and either way she's canceled on stuff before.

I really need to get ahold of her so I can tell her I'm quitting early. Going there the past few months has just been draining away my willpower like a huge motivation vacuum.

Man. I thought I'd be over working at places that make me feel shitty ever since I quit my last job, but it had to be baked right into my program (which, for the record, has also been making me feel shitty). I was talking to a classmate friend a bit and she said she could see her future so clearly once she graduated, becoming a private practice counselor straight out the gate. I think that made me realize I am just in a whole other universe compared to that. My mind is focused on being anywhere else, doing anything else. It almost breaks my heart because this is what I wanted to do since I was little, and certainly I think I'd be a very good counselor.

But not here. And not like this. I need a serious break regardless, and it is just not being given to me. I can take a lot but I'm at my limit and it's terrible that the overarching message in this field I keep hearing is that we don't rest. Whatever self care we tout, we don't actually follow through with that. We have to push through because our clients need us and nobody else can do it.

And I think it is true to some extent. Our system just doesn't allow for better, accessible mental health services, and it falls to those willing to sacrifice a lot to be able to help. Another classmate friend told me he's seen so many counselors who have just lost their humanity over the years trying to stay and help at these places. I know what he means. Especially at internship - the softness and gentleness is just not in them anymore, even the ones who stay generally kind. I can understand why. It's a tough job. Even I can feel some of my gentleness leaving and I hate that more than anything.

I remember feeling frustrated because people have said "this career just might not be for you." And if it isn't? What would you have me do? I still need to finish my degree. The feeling of being trapped is so palpable I could almost reach out and shake the bars of my cage for real.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll just get myself through internship, and then the next day the same thing, and then I can sleep in on the weekend. On Sunday I'm volunteering at a dinner for Japanese students visiting from Takasaki High School (which I believe is in Gunma Prefecture). I'm excited for that. And hopefully somewhere in between I'll be able to flag down my internship supervisor and tell her I'm quitting early.

[wolfjackle-creates]

Heya, Wolfjackle!!!

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

Ooh!!! Such a fun question. So, first off, I love pretty much everything I've written and I'm not afraid to say it. I will say I did a better job executing some than others though.

First, I have to open with my Good Omens fic The Demon Piper. This is the fic that got me back into writing. It is the first story I wrote to completion and was happy enough with to share. I was inspired to write it by someone I was crushing on at the time who helped motivate me and let me brainstorm at them. It's a story that features Crowley as the Pied Piper of Hamlin. I still kinda wished I'd called it the Pied Demon, but, well, the adjective pied is archaic and most people don't know it anymore. So, demon Piper it was. (Also, it's based on a really fun song called The Pied Piper by Heather Dale.)

Next, I'm gonna mention Bring Me Home which is still only on Tumblr. I love this one so much. It keeps expanding on me, but it was my first dpxdc fic. In the process of writing it, I learned so much about DC, so much about Tim and Kon and Bart and Cassie. I made new friends and found a home in a new fandom and found the attraction of crossovers for the first time.

I also have to mention my other long dpxdc fic, Ghost!Robin (which still needs an actual name). I love this one because it was my first time writing such a large cast. I got to learn how to juggle characters and tag dialogue when every line needs some indication of who's speaking. I love how the story expanded so far beyond what I originally planned and I'm excited to get back to it because y'all, my plans for Jason and Robin? I think they're gonna be epic.

Fourth is gonna have to be another Good Omens fic, An Evening In. It was my first attempt at writing smut. The working title of the doc on my laptop is "attempt at E" because I didn't expect to do more than write something for myself. But then I kinda liked it? And showed it to a friend who had written smut before (and she read it over in her cult-church service which thrills me). And she gave me so much advice. The end result was honestly really good and practically every comment has some form of "this is your first smut???"

Fifth... this one will change based on when you ask me. Right now I'm gonna say my newest fic Remember, Remember. It was my first time writing a fic with minimal dialogue that's mostly introspection and covers multiple years of time in 1.3k words. I'm generally a writer who takes her time with a story. Ghost!Robin is currently 16k and covers a single meal, for example. An Evening In is a pwp and 18k and covers a single evening. But this one? Years of time in 1.3k. And it worked. And that's pretty cool.

The theme for what I like the most that I've done? When I try something new and it works. I get really proud when I try something I've never done before and I manage to pull it off. It often takes a few drafts, but I have seen my own improvement and it's amazing.

And again, just because it's not on this list doesn't mean I don't like it. Once I get a bit further into it, I think Carry Your Heart will dethrone one of these and so might Answer My Call.

Edit: half the links I made got removed before posting. I'll fix them on desktop in an hour or so.

Edit 2: Fixed the links!

[nerdalmighty]

Make me choose between two things:

Ok if you insist. 😈

Only one of these can exist, which do you choose? Good Omens season 2 or Baldur's Gate 3?

-anntickwittee

What an absolutely vile question (affectionate).

To be honest? I know I'm currently obsessed with BG3 so I'm probably biased, but I think I'd rather keep BG3 over GO2. AND I HATE SAYING THAT!!!

My reason being: We were all super content with GO S1. It followed the book pretty closely and added elements that I think made it even more enjoyable than the book (In my opinion! I know it's beloved in its book form and I love it too, I just love how the show expanded on things). I truly didn't know what to expect from S2 because S1 was so well self contained and that's all fans thought we were ever going to get. I am THRILLED we got an S2. It's gorgeous and perfect and I'm beyond excited for S3 (which starts filming in January!!!!)

With BG3, it's really gotten me out of my comfort zone in terms of gaming and storytelling. In the past, I steered clear of big open world games because I was way too overwhelmed and prefer straightforward paths in games like Pokemon and Deltarune (I know there are multiple endings and ways to play, but for the most part there's an order in which to do things). With BG3, there are truly so many options that each gaming experience can feel brand new and pan out incredibly differently from a previous game. I love that there's replayability and that I'll be able to keep replaying it for years to come.

It's also helped push me in terms of playing and understanding dnd. I've been playing for a little over a year now and watching actual plays for longer, but I understand even more now having played this game. There's always a little feeling of excitement when the DM or people I'm watching play mention something that I learned because I've played BG3.

Additionally, something I've been struggling with recently is feeling motivated to be creative. I love my job and the people I work with, but there can be a monotony that creeps in since I work from home and have a fairly regimented schedule (animation production is NO JOKE! And it RULES!). Baldur's Gate has consistently inspired me to create (mainly write, which is what I've always wanted to do) and I'm so grateful for that after feeling lost for a long time.

Granted, I'm still feeling lost and unsure of my abilities, but getting to practice storytelling with characters I love and settings and elements I find interesting is really amazing. Yes, Good Omens 2 could have inspired something like this in me, but for whatever reason, it was BG3 that did. I read (and continue to read) a good amount of GO fics, but I was never inspired enough to create my own (though it DID inspire me to make some fun gifsets which I loved making). With BG3, not only have other fics inspired me, but there are moments between cutscenes and story beats that I've wanted to write and expand on since the game is so huge and the writers and developers could only expand on so much themselves. Ultimately, I want to be able to create those fantastical worlds and lovable characters and I'm really thankful BG3 reminded me of that.

Do I have any big ideas currently? No. But the intent is there and that's huge! So I'll keep persisting :)

POINT IS: I love both pieces of media and they're both deeply special to me, but since BG3 has helped reawaken a part of myself that's been snoozing for a long time, I'll pick that FOR NOW.

[jovianjournal]

January 2024

The year had a bit of a slow start tbh. looking at my statistics page in my journal, this is the month i read the lowest amount of books. I think i'd rather have a slow start, than start strong and lose all my motivation after a couple months? plus i read some nice books in January.

Im going to start with the novels in this post, i'll do a second one with the comics/GNs/mangas later!

Hunger Pangs : True Love Bites -- Joy Demorra

A historical fantasy with vampires and werewolves, a polyam romance, a witty narrator, and some cool worldbuilding. a good time overall! i was happy to start the year with a good read. It's not perfect: the plot feels a little uneven (the book starts with a hint of world ending, but this is immediately put on the back-burner til the last third of the book), the resolution feels easy, the characters are a bit too archetypal (the broody vampire main character is named Vlad, i mean...). It did not rewire my brain but i'm looking forward to reading the sequel one day!

*

The Cruel Prince -- Holly Black, French translation by Leslie Damant-Jeandel

I'm rereading my notes in my journal and i need to be fair : i didn't like this book, but the reasons i didn't like it can be summarized with : this is a YA novel. a really popular YA novel, so i guess i had some expectations? they weren't met (i have read the rest of the series since then, as a whole i still think it's not as good as i was told, but it's alright). Also i read it in French, which i think made the writing sounds more childish that it actually is. A 17 years old protagonist will act like a 17 years old.

*

The Midnight Bargain -- C.L. Polk

This is the story of a girl who wants to study magic but has to get married (because of misogyny) in a world where married women can't practice magic (because of misogyny). i actually really liked it! The magic system was fun, the author compared it to pokemon, in the sense that people "capture" spirits and use their powers to practice magic, in exchange for a taste of humanity, like the feeling of walking barefoot in the sand of a slice of cake. it's quite cute, i like stories where mundane things are made precious. i mean, it's a really fucked up system with a lot of abuse, but that part is cute. this is a very pretty book overall, with a bit of friendship and romance and sorority in the mix (it feels a little easy, a little feminism 101, a little caricatural, but it feels fair). It has a lot of tropes i like in this kind of story. i recommend it if you enjoyed Half a Soul by Olivia Atwater, it has a similar Fantasy of Manners vibe.

*

We could be so good -- Cat Sebastian

Love me some Cat Sebastian historical romance. I feel like this one is more interesting as a mid-century New York historical novel with some insights into the life of queer people of the time, than as a romance. It's cozy and not much happens. things i have written in my journal about this book : "i do not want to make hasty conclusions, but i'd say there is a non zero chance that this story started as a Stucky fanfic" and "i want to share a home tenderly with my homosexual lover" and "the kind of historical novel where life seems a lot easier (and cheaper) than nowadays". There's a sequel i'm looking forward to reading!

That's all for today see u next time ♫

[turtle-to-dragon]

a return to goal-setting and logging and blogging

I figured it's time to start using this space more like I did before. A lot has happened in my life since I last posted personal stuff; I've changed my profession, moved back to my hometown, returned to my first and most beloved martial arts school, started Chinese sword training, had a few pleasant encounters with HEMA practicioners, started teaching kung fu again...

I haven't trained as consistently as I'd have liked, and I had some months where I didn't exercise or move or do much of anything, at all. Fortunately, that's behind me now, and I'm back at a state of mind where I feel comfortable setting martial arts related goals again.

Now I know it's important to keep it as specific and measurable and actionable as possible, and I *also* know that it's probably important to not plan too much at once... but ehhhh. I'll just try to be kind to myself and keep the daily actions small and short enough to not overwhelm myself. At the same time I know I need consistency and a plan to achieve those things.

My goals;

(re)learn the Sword Hand Form, so I can perform it fluidly, with intent, in a way that I would be able to teach it to others, by September.

optimize the Leopard Form, so that I can perform it fluidly, with intent and appropriate depth and the character of the animal, by mid August.

get good at deep stances so I can maintain them comfortably for a minute (horse stance, reversed bow stance, empty stance) on each side.

get better with the leopard kick (which is a sneaky one, pretending to go all straight and then at the very last moment turning inward or outward)

get better with the leopard strikes (the circular in the straight, the straight in the circular, as my teacher said)

learn the 3 Principles Sword Form (san cai jian) so that I can perform it correctly, with intent, with body-sword-movement, with a partner, by December.

establish a sword training routine so that it becomes part of my daily life. start with maybe ten minutes a day, keep a checklist with drills to practice nearby, and re-evaluate after two weeks if this actually helps with anything.

pain-free, strong right shoulder, so I can go through 2 x 1.5 hours of sword training or regular kung fu training per week, or so I can get into push-up position, or hold a focus mitt against serious punches and kicks without pain... By stability and mobility exercises on every second day (alternating with leg work)

pain-free, stable left ankle, so I can go through 2 x 1.5 hours of kung fu training on mats per week, including jumping and standing on one leg without falling over or being in pain for days... by stability and mobility exercises on every second day (alternating with shoulder stuff)

improve endurance so I can sprint up one or two flights of stairs without feeling like I might die. I'll probably start with a C25K training program again, and training with stairs would probably help as well. What doesn't help is that I abhor starting this kind of training because it feels so miserable. (That's probably me wanting too much, too soon...)

Yeah. Like I said.. maybe a bit much, but I'll try and figure it out.

.oO(goals for July and beyond...)

Other things, apart from the goals:

On Friday my new sword will be delivered, yay! Getting the shipping notification today made my Monday significantly better. More swords for everyone!

Looking forward to a HEMA introductory workshop on longsword in less than three weeks, with a kung fu sister and two other good friends <3

very much enjoying having a very motivated kung fu sister that matches me in thirst for knowledge and enthusiasm for this art.

My first kung fu teacher and my mom both said that they would like to be present during my next kung fu exam. I don't know yet when that will be, but I feel honored that they want to be there. And it feels kinda fitting, since they were both present at my very first training at this school, 22 years ago. ^_^

After tidying up my room, I now have (hopefully) enough space in my bedroom/living room to practice sword techniques. (Looking at you, ceiling lamp... Stay where you are!)

Okay, that's it for now. Off to actually train now :D

[itsbowbi]

tagged by @penglue

Are you named after anyone?

A saint I think. Or my parents just liked the name and came up with that reason after.

When was the last time you cried?

I cry a lot I think I cried watching the new Godzilla movie because I'm easy and a sucker. Like CRIED cried? I think my birthday but it was actually a pretty great night.

Do you have kids?

Hell no.

What sports do you play?

None. Too busy and tired. Been thinking about finding a baseball league or something to play in because I miss it. I was a terrible hitter tho. I'm in better shape now and I learned about my fucked up eyeballs so maybe I'd be better.

Do you use sarcasm?

I don't think so. I have a very cynical sense of humor but sarcasm to me just comes off as being mean. Pretty sure I avoid it almost always.

What’s the first thing you notice about someone?

Looks? I mean literally first thing I notice is what they look like. And yeah I usually decide if I think they're hot right then but that doesn't change much about how I treat them. Otherwise just general vibes I guess. Sense of humor, manners, etc. Ooh I guess I really notice if someone is being at all superior or condescending. I fucking hate that immediately.

Eye colour?

Baby blues.

Scary movies or happy endings?

I like both, but I definitely watch horror movies more often. I think it's funny when movies get the super happy ending like Wayne's World, which seems to be happening more and more often in the movies I watch. I do think I've been avoiding dramas because they can be draining to watch and I don't feel like putting myself through that sitting here alone in my room. And bad horror movies are easily the best thing to watch with friends.

Any talents?

I'm very good at guessing people's middle name. Also I have insane memory when it comes to movies. You can name like one small detail about a movie you can't quite remember and I can probably name it. Good at trivia too.

Where were you born?

Bay Area. Zero memory of California since we left when I was a baby.

Hobbies?

Uuggghhh this is where I really start to feel like a nolife degen. Video games mostly. I'm decent at overwatch. Have a quitar but haven't had the energy or motivation to practice in a while. I really want to pick it up again. Just got an iPad with the stylus so that's been fun getting back into art. People say I can draw good so that's cool. Also I technically got my first commission since my buddy gave me $10 to recreate a doodle I made for him at work in a full piece because he loves it so much. Gotta get around to that soon.

Any pets?

My leopard gecko Heybaby! I love her. Also my mom has 2 cats that I still consider mine and I love visiting them. Yoyo and Mimi.

Height?

6'

Favourite school subject?

I guess history. I think history has better stories in it than any fiction so I love reading about it and listening to audiobooks and podcasts. Chose that as my major in college since I didn't know what to do with my life and it was the one subject I was able to tolerate. That was a very bad decision and I honestly should've never gone to college or just gone to a community college while I figured out what to actually do. Still waiting on that last part.

Dream job?

I really don't have a realistic one. I have hated every job I've ever had and any work that was assigned to me in school or therapy or whatever instantly made me hate it. I have crazy fantasies about what I could still do with my life but most of them involve doing little to no actual work. Like being a streamer. But I guess I'll go with what I would've said 20 years ago and say baseball player or rock star.

GET TAGGED @conkedcrete @spylarman (or don't sorry to bother u)

[thedragonchilde]

G Gundam meta notes, eps 35-39:

"Showdown! Bursting Machinegun Punch"

-the first appearance of Master's death cough?

-George seems so much shallower then the others when you put it that way. I'll have to pay extra attention to him in coming eps because he's more of an enigma than he seems

-Chibodee actually seems really anguished about this, dang

-and he switches from name back to epithet to create distance, interesting

-”work with me on this!” ayup, Chibodee needs hype as a motivator

-”reflecting a tradition of calm and simplicity” sure, that sounds like Domon 

-"better than he's ever been"

-”and most of all, it's for you”

-"you sure know how to make me happy"

-"CHIBODEE HAS LIT A FIRE IN DOMON'S SOUL"

-oh my god everything out of their mouths at this point, I can't keep up with listing every quote they're coming so fast

-”I can feel your dream”

-”your hunger ignited a fire within me”

-”you're a great rival!” :) gotta get that hype in there

-oooh, that fade in, did Chibs actually get knocked out for a few seconds?? Concussion check!

-you can practically see the shoujo bubbles, seriously, check the soft focus - and Domon is such an encouraging friend! It's so sweet, even if you're not a useless queer like me. In fact, it's a nice callback to their original faceoff! (And literally supportive too, even; I do love a good 'leaning on/propping up your teammate'. Although now I have to go back and note whether Domon reassures his friends on the regular or if it's just Chibodee–)

"A Knights' Pride! Gundam Rose Stolen"

-”I'm focusing solely on you” George, that's a little gay

-George talking with a rose in his mouth though, great line delivery

-"the Gundam Fight is not a sport" that's,,, hm. Certainly not how they seem to treat it. Interesting highlight of the difference between the fighters and the politicos

-hmm, it says something interesting that this is the circumstance in which we see George cry

-'knight' is a wildly anachronistic position, but there's something up here, as he clearly has some hangups about his self-worth tied up in fighting and country and,,,

-aside from Domon putting Shining to rest, this is the only other time we see someone talking to their Gundam. Rose really is George's lady, huh

-"just this one time I wish to fight only for myself" ooooh this has such juicy implications! (A ‘gilded cage’ corollary to Argo, re: fighting as freedom?)

-even at his most passionate he's still… restrained? That's not quite the right word. But like he almost doesn't know how to let himself go, even when he's clearly already gone

-"I've been devoutly loyal to x all my life (at the expense of my sense of self) but now I wanna do something for me" is so good

-it's almost like he believes fighting is the only thing he's good for. Something to dig into

"Sai Saici's New Attack! Blazing Dragon Gundam"

-Rain is so insecure about her place in Domon's life among fighters, and that's interesting, but she was never threatened before Allenby, which is understandable but somewhat less interesting

-Allenby calling Sai ‘kid’ and ‘baby boy’ like she's not closer to his age than Domon's 

-damn, Domon really gets Sai

-okay Wong almost made that sound like he's somehow in on Master being sick

-man, Zuisen and Keiun keep underestimating Sai. Like, nice job breaking it hero

-Sai’s dad was hot. I'm gonna guess Sai will grow up nice ;)

-I wonder what Shin Ryusen Kochouken would be in Mandarin (or whatever Chinese dialect Sai would speak)

-There's probably some cool stuff to be said about Asian solidarity by someone more knowledgeable than me. But like. These are really bros and I love it. Need more of this dynamic tbh

-aw, Rain getting the martial artist bond (so long as it's not with Allenby I guess)

"Domon vs. Argo! Charging Bolt Gundam"

-why would Neo Russia cover up something against a criminal they'd want more against? 

-Wong tortures people now, cool cool

-you don't always get to notice it, but Argo's eyes are such a pretty icy blue

-oh, it's "us" now, is it, Nastasha?

-I'm struggling with words on this one, and it might be because I've screamed over it too many times over the years (esp about things like how fucked up the hologram is, or The Date), like I feel I'm repeating myself

-or that I'm just wordlessly screaming at Argo and Nastasha because I fucking love them

-Argo just takes the whole damn fish

-Nastasha can cook! 

-interesting that she notices a superstition

-they go back and forth on whether they're using Berserker

-ARGO THAT SHOUT WAS DOWNRIGHT MUSICAL

-”now we can focus solely on each other” lil gay there Domon

-GET HIM, MASTER

-”I haven't forgotten my duties as the Black Joker” mind filling us in on what those duties are? 

-finally get tears from Argo and it's in flashback

-"Argo, you're awesome" :)

-"one x for the both of us" is SO GOOD, YOU GUYS

-"your fists have shown me the light to my soul" sounds kind of goofy but this situation is actually a really cool application of 'communicating with your fists' - Argo being someone who shows himself to be so respectful of life is incongruent with the incident the way Andrew remembers it, so the reality of current actions fills in the blanks of the past. This probably isn't coming out right.

"The Ultimate Attack! Duel With Master Asia"

-it's only a split second, but Argo has a nice butt

-tapping into Rain's insecurities about being needed, I see

-way to give the viewer whiplash re: Domon - show him being a jerk to Rain, then follow it with him being adorable with Fuunsaiki 

-,,,he communicates with the horse better than he does with Rain

-I don't know what that says about him but it's fuel for the autistic headcanon

-”are you trying to tell me I should ride you?” Now there's something that can be taken out of context

-what a messy divorce

-I wanna know when they actually mean ‘defeat’ and when they mean ‘kill’

-oh wow, Master Asia can actually get injured?

-”I could leave you behind” yeah, but you won't

-"the one thing I never taught you",,, and then proceeds to not teach him before asking him to do it. Unless they handwaved/skipped that part for us

-oooh, motive rant! And in case we forgot about the crapsack world setup from the early episodes, y'know, more fuel for the anti-war environmentalist fire

-the horse gets a suit-up!

-you know what, Domon, I get that you were worried, but you fuckin deserve Rain leaving

[undyne-the-sea-witch]

Ugh, I did a full moon deep cleansing/banishing negativity spell last night and it didn't go how I wanted it to go.

First, because I didn't do my research beforehand, it took me a long time to do research on materials, herbs, & spell work before I actually got down to business. I'm not a beginner, but I still like to do my research before doing any spell, especially if it's a new type of spell (like what I was going for last night).

Second, when I tried centering and grounding myself, my mind was not having it. Which was weird because I wanted to do nothing more than witchcraft last night, and I kept thinking about it all throughout work. I even drank an extra energy drink to make sure that my CFS wouldn't interfere too much with my energy levels for the working, but all my motivation and attention span just poofed as soon as I said down to start the ritual. (Darn you, ADHD.)

Third, this is my first time burning something that wasn't a candle. I put a layer of sand at the bottom of my small cauldron, plus some herbs (only about three or four) and then a scroll that I had written down on it what I wanted removed from my life. The fire burned bigger and brighter than I had ever seen. It worried me so much that I couldn't focus on my intent or my chant. I just sat there with my candle snuffer in one hand and a glass of water in another, anxiously watching to see if it got too big for the cauldron. The flame was tall, but the fire wasn't wide, yet I still felt so panicked!!

At the end of the ritual, I felt like I might have made things worse for myself. Not that my spell backfired necessarily, but rather that it didn't work, and by virtue of it not working and the additional stress of the experience, I only added to the strife that I was trying to get rid of in the first place with this ritual.

Naturally, I'm not too happy with this experience. However, I can't neglect the fact that it was a very good teaching moment.

I feel like the methods and tools used were great for my intentions and goals, but I learned that maybe I needed to execute it differently so I can focus more on my energy/intent. Maybe instead of burning the scroll, I bury it using biodegradable paper and herbs that won't damage the Earth. Or maybe I'll find a different way of representing what I want banished and go from there. Maybe I make it a point to research what I want to do and how I want to do it the day before so that way I'm not rushed the day of the working.

This also taught me that I still have a lot to learn about alternatives and how to get into the right headspace for spellwork. Maybe I should have spent more time centering and grounding; maybe I should have listened to my non-compliant brain (affectionate) and did a different magical thing that matched my attention span. Regardless, my next study session will cover ways for ADHD people like me to center/ground themselves better.

I often rush into the workings because I want to feel that power that I felt when my other spells worked. I want to feel competent and capable in both the physical and metaphysical worlds. But I keep forgetting that it takes time, patience, and busts like these to mold me into a better, more powerful witch.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Witchcraft is a journey, and I should enjoy the ride. That's why, these next few workings, I'm going to focus more on building up the basics. Like I said, I'm not new, but I want the refresher so that I can feel that much more confident in my practices moving forward.

If you're struggling with being patient in your workings like I am, it's okay! You're not alone! We're in this together. Step by step, we'll get there, so let's enjoy each step as it comes. 💜 🌊