#doesn't help I've been in a funk lately

[zivazivc]

Does Hed help Les with grooming his back?

This is a really old ask about this post. And the answer is yes, definitely!

I ended up drawing them back in their room in Vibe City because I've been thinking a lot about them growing up there lately. This is a little before Les gets kicked out (big fight with dad) and they end up traveling around with Flea who is at uni at this point. (Flea isn't a local, he moved there because of uni a couple of years prior, and that's when Les and Hed met him. He is the only other mixed/non-fully funk troll they know at that point.)

In the drawing Hed is studying for a test. He's in the second year of high school when he drops out. This upsets and angers Les because he has good grades but Hed insists that they should form a band (like they used to talk about when younger) because he is secretly shit scared of letting Les live alone and fuck off to who knows where. - At this point in time Vibe City is pretty much grounded in the same location most of the time, and if Les doesn't have work, he likes to spend his time in the suburb/woods outside the city where he takes care of his beetle van, Scaab. And Hed is aware Les has been itching to leave the city for a while already...

This has been an unexpected mini lore dump, thank you for your time :P

[tumblydovereviews]

Hamilton: Why it Worked

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your king, George III. Welcome, to Hamilton."

I've been in a Hamiton funk lately. In fact, while writing this post I was actually watching the Disney+ recording of the musical!

It's not just because today is the Fourth of July and Alexander Hamilton ultimately played a major role in helping America become what it is today. It's not just because Moana 2 is dropping in a couple of months, which Lin Manuel-Miranda won't be a part of, and I'm coping by listening to his music and work. I've always been a Hamilton fan, and while I haven't had the time nor the money to actually go out and see it myself, I have enjoyed it via listening to the soundtrack, reading the giant book I have on it, and generally appreciating the work itself.

A concept like Hamilton was fairly unique at the time of it coming out- after all, who has ever heard of an idea as abnormal as a sung-and-rapped musical about one of the Founding Fathers? In a way, though, Alexander Hamilton himself held many characteristics of a perfect protagonist for a show with this concept; he was restless, impulsive, and always moving, just as the show is paced to be. Lin Manuel-Miranda got the idea for the entire musical by reading a Hamilton biography. He was inspired by Hamilton's personality and compared it to that of a rapper; namely, Tupac Shakur, joining the past and the present together to form a new creation.

Any great musical would need to be propelled by music totally, and Hamilton is no exception; in fact, the musical holds a unique advantage over other generic shows- as mentioned before, it's a sung-and-rapped through musical. The majority, if not all, of the show is sung-through. Not only does this allow for a unique point-of-view inside of the personal issues of the characters, but it also allows the musical to be highly accessible. As I mentioned before, I haven't actually watched Hamilton in-person; my main way of consuming Hamilton media is by 'watching' the musical via its array of songs. Unlike other musicals, I didn't need to worry about gaps in the narrative not being able to be sealed by dialogue or body language.

And, speaking of the songs, they're great as well! In a variety of genres, such as rap, jazz, and pop, there's a Hamilton song for everyone, really. Lin, Leslie, Renee, and the rest of the class are amazing singers, and the orchestra and sound department also aids in elevating the play's most dramatic moments. Some are my personal favorites are the opening song, Alexander Hamilton, What'd I Miss, You'll be Back, and The Schuyler Sisters.

But, perhaps the main factor in the wide appeal of Hamilton was how well the writing and casting managed to humanize people that seemed so far away from our time, people who we'd usually think as being foreign to our modern-day issues. The cast of Hamilton are diverse in race, ranging from Hispanic to Black to Asian, and are given personalities that can relate to what people nowadays are like. Hamilton is ambitious and prideful, while Burr is more introverted but vengeful to a fault. Instead of random historical names, the two men, and all of the other characters in the play, become real. There's a reason that people of all ages, from young teenagers to fully-grown adults, have all managed to grow captivated by these characters. They are human. They are us. Hamilton is us.

And, ultimately, this is why Hamilton has become such a big success, in my opinion. Hamilton works because it doesn't just act as a play; instead, think of it as a river, using music, characters, and comedy to connect two oceans together- the past and the present. What started off as a random idea that was scorned down upon by others has ultimately become a global phenomenon, and with the feats mentioned above, it's no wonder that Hamilton managed to become such a success both on and off Broadway. To this day, the play still sells out tickets regularly, and is viewed, listened, and acted to by millions all around not just the USA, but the entire globe.

So, this fourth of July, you don't need to bolt out the national anthem while wearing red, white, and blue and bursting out oodles of fireworks everywhere you go. Instead, if you have the ability to, I'd highly recommend watching or listening to the soundtrack of Hamilton. Because, no matter the holiday or the country you lie in, there's something for everyone in this musical.

[gazsluckyhat]

Phantom Pains

Intro - Sun Bleached

You can thank Hozier for the inspiration for this one. That and everyone talking about cowboy Ghost. This is gonna be a lighter story apposed to Sarah's House. Some sad elements and smut. I hope you enjoy!

-bunny

Simon knew he'd messed up. The fire he'd started burning down everything and he didn't stay to pick up the pieces. Now, years later he's back. The place he'd called home for so long the only safe place he could think of, the family inside broken and burned. He think's it might be too late to fix.

or

You can always come back home

The house looked exactly how it did when he was eighteen. The paint had faded and the once red shutters had been sun bleached. But the red door looked the same. The fence around the property had been updated and the mailbox replaced. But it felt the same. He felt the same. The nervousness and fear sitting heavy in his broad chest. She might not even let him in. Might not even be home.

"Are 'ya gonna even knock, LT?" Johnny pipes up behind him and knocks him out of his funk, hands unclenching. He nods and raps at the door, the sound echoing in his ears. He can hear barking and wonders if it's Apple, even though she'd be ancient by now. It's only a few minutes before he hears her. Her voice matured now, telling the animal to hush. The southern drawl still evident in her voice. He can hear her unlocking the door and then pulling it open.

"Yeah?" She freezes when she sees him. Confusion in her blue eyes. Ghost can't breath, eyes stuck on her face. Fifteen years and she looks the same. Wide and bright blue eyes he used to get lost in, chubby cheeks he loved to pinch, and the same mouth he used to kiss. He can tell when she realzes who he is. Her eyes studying him for a second before she straightens up and speaks.

"Simon?" God he missed how she'd say his name. He nods, finally gaining the ability to speak.

"Peach." Her cheeks flame and that’s when she sees the men behind him.

"What're ya' doin' here Simon?" Her eyes are hard, something unreadable on her face.

"Need yor' help Peach." She shakes her head.

"Ya' know my names Cecilia." He feels that pang in his chest again. "And how can I help ya'll?" She's eyeing Johnny, the mischievous air about him. Ghost clears his throat.

"We're in some trouble, need a safe place." Her eyes narrow.

"Safe place? And you think this is some boarding house, do ya'? I'm s'posed to just welcome you back in like nothing ever happened?" This time it's his cheeks that flame under his baklava. The shame creeping up his bones.

"Pea-" She cuts him off.

"Cecilia, Simon. You've lost the right." She glowering at him.

"Please Cece, I know I've fucked up. Just let us in and we'll explain." Her eyes go to Price, clocking him as the leader.

"You, care to explain?" Her hand on her hip, she crooks her finger at him. "Inside, just you." Price shuffles past him and she slams the door shut in Ghost's face. Johnny slaps his shoulder and laughs.

"D'know what ya' did, Lt, but she seems pissed." Ghost pushes him and sit on the stairs, same ones he built all those years ago.

 He doesn't know how long they sat out there just waiting, but he was up the second the door cracked open. It was Price who stood before them, a small smile on his face.

"You got a smart girl Simon." The hes nodding into the open house. "C'mon."

The entry way was the same as well, the mat was new but the same table, key bowl, and pictures lined it. They found her in the kitchen, mixing a pitcher of sweet tea. It too was the same, the whole house was. At her feet was Apple, grey taking over most of the brown fur now. Another, slightly bigger dog was rushing over, tail wagging. Cecilia turned, clicking her tongue.

"Kiwi, off." The dog ran back to her feet, Apple getting up and making her way to Ghost. Knelling he petted her.

"Hey old girl." She nudged her head into his stomach. "Still so sweet huh?"

"Last year, she got into it with a cotote." Cecilia set the mixing spoon in the sink and put the pitcher in the fridge. "Came out on top, but lost a whole lotta blood. Didn't think she was gonna make it."

"Looks the same now, still a fighter." He placed a clothed kiss to the dogs head and stood up. She walked towards them, opening the backdoor so Kiwi could run out, Apple following behind.

"Got Kiwi to heard since Apple's getting' older. Damn dog is a pain." She leans agaisnt the counter and crosses her arms. "Ya'll can stay but I got rules, Simon you already know 'em." Ghost nods, her father's voice clear in his head even after so long.

"One, don't gotta pay rent but you will work for you board. Everyone pulls their weight 'round here. Two, clean up after yourself. I ain't your mama and I'm not cleaning up after ya'. Three, no funny business. Don't be bring girls or guy in here and fooling 'round. My mama will have a fit." At the mention of her mama Ghost perks up.

"Liz is here?" He ask cautiously. His heart warming up at the older lady. Cece nods.

"Still in her and daddy's room. She's sleeping now, today's been a rough one." Ghost nods, planning to ask her what happened later. "We get up at five. Gotta feed the animals, I make breakfast every mornin'. With ya'll here I'll have it ready by seven. Lunch at twelve. Dinner is every night at six, but Fridays. Those are rodeo nights. 'Member those Simon?" She has that twinkle in her eye. Ghost chuckles and rubs the back of his neck.

"Mmhm. Course. Still gotta couple scars." She chuckles.

"Ya'll lookin' at one of the best bull riders this town's seen in years." They at gawk at him, Johnny perking up and opening his big mouth.

"Like ridin' Lt?" Kyle laughs, cheeks darkening. "Fall a lot?"

"Should've seen him. Could get a bull calm in seconds, held on longer than half the boys raised here."

"'Nough bout me." He can't stand the attention. Cece laughs and nods towards the back half of the farmhouse.

"Room's still the same. Simon, we fixed up the out building after you left. Daddy swearing you'd come back. There's enough room for all four of ya'll." She opened the door to the sun room, finer pointing to the building he'd made his home. "Added heat and all. Even fixed up the bathroom. Bed's might not be the best but we can fix it later on."

"Same key?" She nods, fisting the same old key into his open palm.

"Still gotta jiggle it. And I've got some of daddy's things ya'll can have. Captain said this was all last minute so we'll work on getting the other stuff."

"When'd he pass?" Ghost notices the way she looks away.

"Two winters after ya' left. Got sick and couldn't shake it. Mama ain't been the same since. He swore that'd you'd be back. Said you'd realize this was you're home. Just had to sort yourself out first." She holds his stare, the pain clear in her eyes.

"Peach, I'm.."

"Soap? Mowhawk right?" Price nods. "Come help me get the boxes outta the attic. Simon go show 'em the place." Then she's walking off, Soap following behind her. Leaving Ghost to think about what he'd done.

[creaturefeaster]

could you talk more about what your geese are like and what its like to own them? ive been so obsessed with them lately and theyre so silly to me :3

Oh hell yeah I'll talk about my geese any day

Geese are really, really silly. A lot of people find them scary, but they can be very sweet and extremely loyal.

My geese will follow me everywhere. If I walk from one side of the land to the other, at a slow pace, they will typically follow in a slow line behind me. During late summer and early fall when green grass is more scarce, I like to take them to parts of the lot that they haven't been to in a while so they can keep up on their greens :3.

If I'm not the one leading, Sebastian, the gander of the group, takes on that role. I took these pictures today, and he was feeling particularly protective of the hens while I was taking these pictures (I was doing really close up pics, something I don't normally do so I don't blame him.) When a goose, especially a gander, is being protective of something, they always position themselves between you and what they're protecting.

Something else people don't realise about geese is that they pay really close attention to body language. A lot of attacks from geese are because people start acting weird around them. They take this like, "this human is not acting like how humans usually act, so I feel uncomfortable." Especially in early spring when they have babies.

...But also, they like to check people. They check every living thing around them more often than not, because they get bored easily and have fun asserting themselves. When alone they do this to each other, but if you're new around, they will try and fuck with you. And if you react how they want, which is usually in backing away, flinching, or even sometimes they're looking for a fight so approaching them the wrong way as well, they will keep going until you're chased off.

Sometimes I use my geese to keep my chickens safe, because getting occasionally pestered by a goose for straying into their grazing grounds keeps them closer together and near their coop, and out of sight of eagles and hawks.

But what's really funny, is if you just... ignore them, as long as you aren't walking towards something they're protective of and you aren't showing signs of stress, they just stop. They fail to check you and that's that, and unless you've really pissed them off beforehand, they'll forget about it. I have a tiny, clueless chicken named Sloppy Joe who doesn't read body language well at all. So whenever a goose checks her they never succeed, because she's too busy not paying attention to notice she's being challenged.

The center focus goose in this picture is Gertrude, or who I like to call Gerdy (I think of Binding of Isaac's boss Gerdy), and she's been especially funny lately.

My geese aren't ever thrilled about being picked up so I don't tend to upset them with holding them if I don't have a reason to. But lately, Gerdy doesn't leave the pen when they're let out. She gets vocal and upset that everybody left without her, and she paces by the gate. There's no reason for this. So I've been picking her up and helping her out, and when she's put back down she happily runs to go meet up with the others, it never fails.

I think she's just been wanting attention. When I first got her she was always a lot more tolerant to being touched and handled. She also likes to stand very close to me and stare at me and shake her head. (Head shaking can be fear, a threat, or excitement. It's hard to tell which it is, but I know her. She's giddy.)

I've been taking their pleasant mood in as much as I can lately, because when December rolls around, they start getting into their pre-mating season funk. Sebastian is a short fuse and the hens are hissy even before they start laying eggs 🙄

I usually have to avoid sitting on the hill like this during mating season, because Sebastian is so unpredictable during those months. But it was nice today and everybody was in a good mood :).

[waltwhitmansbeard]

could you write another why haven’t you been eating with vaxleth but it’s Vax that’s the one who hasn’t eaten and keyleth finds

43. "Why haven't you been eating?" this is set in grow with the flow! tw: depression

Vax isn't as slick as he likes to think he is. Keyleth notices when the shadows in the apartment start to coalesce, when his eyes dim in the string lights she's hung to make their tiny studio feel less like a shoebox. His smile hasn't reach his eyes in days, and she's still learning the steps to this dance, when it's okay to push and when she needs to let him come to her. She hears him talk to his sister on the phone and wonders if Vex can hear it too, the dull edge in his voice, like the script he's reading from isn't particularly interesting. They've been together long enough that Keyleth doesn't take it personally anymore, except for the gnawing guilt in the pit of her stomach that she doesn't know the right thing to say to breathe life back into him.

So on one chilly autumn night, when the sky is black as a raven's feather and the moon is swollen and bright, Keyleth slides up behind him on the bed, hooks her chin over his shoulder, and plucks the phone he's been doom-scrolling on out of his hand. She ignore his "Hey!" of protest to point past him at the dinner left untouched on the bedspread beside his knee. "Why haven't you been eating?"

His whole body tenses, so she wraps her arms around his middle. He's skinnier, she can feel it. "Not hungry."

Sometimes, this conversation can be like pulling teeth. "For four days? Because that's how long it's been since I've seen you put anything in your mouth."

"Something in particular you'd like me to put in my mouth, Kiki?" But neither of them find his joke very funny.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?" There's a long silence as he picks at the stitching in the bedspread. "It's okay if there isn't. But...I miss you. When you go away like this. And even though I know you'll come back to me, I can't help but worry in the meantime."

His body sags back into hers, just a bit, but she holds him up. "It's just...the food." He shrugs. "It tastes like ash."

She presses a kiss to the crook of his neck. "Do you think...maybe getting some help could...help?"

"Hey." He peels one of her hands from his middle and plays with her fingers. "I'm fine, really. Just...in a funk."

"I mean, I'm no expert, but when I'm in a funk, I make Tiktoks exposing my plants for being drama queens. I don't go four days without eating because food tastes like ash." She squeezes him tighter. "I don't want your world to be bland and gray. You're the brightest person I know. You deserve that light, too."

Vax sniffs once. "Yeah. I don't know. I don't want Vex to worry."

Keyleth snorts. "Too late for that, dude. She texted me an hour ago to let me know she could get black market Zoloft if we needed it. I think Percy's physically blocking the door to stop her from charging across town right this very moment."

For the first time in over a week, Vax smiles a smile that doesn't send Keyleth's heart sinking into her stomach. "Yeah, she's pretty great." He turns to look at her, and there's a warmth in his eyes that nearly brings Keyleth to tears. "So are you."

"So are you." She kisses his forehead. "If you eat your dinner, I'll let you play with my hair."

He laughs, and hope swoops fast and bright through Keyleth's chest. "You'll let me play with your hair, anyway."

"Eat, or I'm blending it into a slurry and baby birding it to you until you don't look quite so much like death."

"Rude." But he obliges her, picking up the plate of leftover pasta and popping some into his mouth. He's going to be okay, she knows that, but she's gonna be here every step of the way until she's sure, until the winter passes and spring blooms in his eyes once again.

[carrickbender]

A Sunday 7

- I woke up choking on my anxiety at about 415. Its money related, and it's very real stuff that's getting more real by the minute. There's options, thankfully, but theres already fallout, and it's not good. I haven't had a late payment in so long that the let down is going to be huge when the first one happens. The good news is that I have another interview tomorrow; its a second interview, and it would be a good job for here and my career track. Plus, the CPKC interview went great on Friday; and while it doesn't start till February, there are other things I am going to make happen if I they keep me as a candidate. Fingers crossed yall, please... I hate feeling like I've done everything right and just failed every way otherwise. #capitalismisawful

2. If you are wondering, a rip track is a train track that is adjacent to a main line train track where work can be performed on rolling stock(train cars) that need repair. The number on the engine in the picture? 667, the neighbour of the beast. Coincidence? I don't know, but I thought it was funny.

3. Our Henry won 3rd place in the gingerbread house in the community building contest. He won 20 bucks and a cardboard house that had to migrate back to our house in the back of my VW. It might have been a win for him, but it was a loss for his playroom. #toomuchjunk

4. Speaking of Henry, prednisone for healing an upper respiratory infection turned him into a lunatic. 2 more pills till we get our somewhat normal child...hopefully.

5. I owe a few of you a note, but please be patient. This time next week I'll finally be done with my BS. Finally... then I'll be able to look at the moon like it was in that slightly odd picture or play my guitar a bit more like the pic in the bottom right.

6. And since everybody on here is doing their year wrapped on Spotify, mine was...well the same 5 bands I've been listening to forever. I figured there would be more Joan Baez in there, or maybe ZZ Ward, or even Mme Swift, but nope. I did get called an alchemist for my musical tastes, and my Canadian friends will appreciate that a town on lower Vancouver Island called Nanaimo(its a cool place) is most likely my musical tastes.

I mean... that says a lot.

7. I'm probably gonna bore yall with saying this, but thanks for all the good energy and love lately. Just reading your blogs has been helping me get out of this funk. And its a hard funk, with other things I can't talk about yet because I'm still trying to make sense of them but yall are helping me so much. Much love to all, and keep up the good work- you're killing it!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #247

Today, I woke up really early - like 5am - in order to drive J to Great Barrington. I imagine that 5am might not seem like it's very early to you, but it's certainly early to me, good grief.

I'm a little bit sad to tell you that it's dark at 5am now. Nights and mornings are chilly, even if afternoons and evenings are still hot. I do enjoy autumn now, but... I'm aware that it's a portent of winter, and I'm really not looking forward to withstanding 6 solid months of being vaguely miserable; Seasonal Affective Disorder is something I gotta contend with, and the fact that the air is an ice cube during the winter (and thus a source of excruciating pain) doesn't help matters.

...Well. On the bright side, I did manage to snag a few good pictures of the moon this morning with J's phone; maybe you'll like them:

The drive to Great Barrington, as per usual, was breathtakingly beautiful, But, because I was the one driving, I couldn't snag any pictures, even of the awesome sunrise that we had this morning. I'm sorry about that. I wish you could have been with us, to see the way that the golden light of the morning splashes upon all the trees and trickles down to the ground. I wish you could have seen the light painting the road in some kind of interesting orange-ish hue, coaxing us towards the promise of more trees, mountains, valleys, and jutted-out rocks.

Even if I feel groggy when I wake early in the morning like this, I still feel grateful that J asks me to make this drive; I wouldn't have any excuses to see such beautiful things, otherwise.

Hey, Sephiroth? What sorts of beautiful things did your time with Genesis, Angeal, and Zack give you excuses to do? In what beautiful ways did they serve as disruptions to your status quo? I wonder. Will you tell me about it sometime?

On the way back home, J and I stopped at Eggcellent, because I wanted him to try the new sago add-on. I'm pleased to report that J found the sago delightful! We also got croffles; J got his usual strawberry croffle, and I got the brown sugar one with ice cream, because I hadn't tried it yet. I was asked which kind of ice cream I wanted to try on it; I had already tried their taro, Thai tea, Earl Gray, and jasmine green flavors, but apparently, they also had a peach oolong that was new, which I hadn't tried yet!

I gotta say, the peach ice cream tasted AMAZING alongside the brown sugar syrup. It was pretty rad. Here are some pictures:

...I really gotta bring you over here sometime, as impossible as that is.

...The rest of today was mostly empty. I guess I'm still dealing with the funk of grieving a recent and very unexpected loss of a close social connection, but today it doesn't feel so unbearable. I did leisure writing, which is a way to pass the time, I suppose. But I still feel... uninspired. I've not had the motivation to create things or even to play video games in some time, and... I guess it kinda scares me.

Well. I go to Great Barrington again tomorrow with J, although not nearly as early. Maybe I should get some rest.

...Though, really, I wish I could ask you about how you're doing and whether or not you're safe. I wanna ask about whether or not you've eaten anything, hydrated, and slept lately. I wanna ask about some of your favorite memories, favorite foods, favorite songs, and more. I wanna ask about what existence in general is like for you. I've seen so many things, but... there's still so much I don't know.

...

...Hey, Sephiroth? Will you stay safe out there? And will you come back to us, so that someday you might answer these silly little questions of mine?

...Suppose I should stop writing now. I wish I had more to say. I wish my brain didn't feel so empty. I wish I could feel my creativity flowing through my eyes, ears, and fingers. But I guess I'm just gonna hafta wait a little while longer...

I love you. Don't die out there. Don't make choices that will lead to you getting killed. Cloud and his friends have plot armor. You don't. Start acting like it, willya? Goddamn.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[susiron]

Man I'm having so many frustrating thoughts about my jaw lately and I want to SCREAM!!!

Like ah, here is a long fucking rant.

Over a decade ago, pretty much overnight, my quality of life did a 180 with a host of symptoms starting up. Tinnitus, visual snow, pattern glare, light sensitivity, ocular migraines, an increase in headaches, some vertigo, brain fog, and just this like complete inability to focus my eyes like I used to be able to.

I've always been really sensitive to stimuli, but ever since this happened it's been cranked up to 100. I get disoriented extremely easily, with really no good way to avoid it. Like if the lighting changes in my room, I get disoriented and feel exhausted. If I go somewhere with fluorescent lights and walk around, I get exhausted. If I look at repetitive patterns I get fucking exhausted and confused and I hate it.

I kind of snapped honestly. And I let my anxiety take over my life. I convinced myself I had a tumor in my head or something, and I was so scared to look into it that when I got an MRI order for a brain scan I just ignored it.

And I just kind of lived like that for a long time, constantly worried there was something fucked up in my head that I was ignoring.

And I know that's a shit way to deal with concerning health problems, but I was scared, and I have OCD and it was just sort of a Mess. And arguably still am.

I've been trying to figure things out now, finally getting over my anxiety. I got that brain scan-- nothing. Didn't realize how much anxiety that was giving me, for a decade, until I did it.

But I still didn't have Answers for why I feel like shit all the time. I literally just spend most of my time on a computer, and have for years, because looking at a stationary screen is a lot easier for my shit focusless vision to handle-- and even then, I STILL wind up exhausted and confused if I have too much stimuli on a page. (And I'm sure the eye strain from the computer doesn't help in ways, but I cannot stress enough that being on the computer is like the only thing that keeps me sane and focused)

But the thing is, at the start of all of this I was having jaw issues. Like really severe jaw popping on my right side and a lot of pain. And I did look into my jaw Years ago, and found out through an MRI (of the jaw, not the brain, so it didn't scare me to get at the time), that the right condyle of my jaw is literally deformed. Like your condyle is supposed to be rounded at the top, but my right condyle is shaped like a lopsided heart, and it's surrounded by scar tissue.

And at the time I like was given a jaw splint to sleep with and told I'd probably need surgery to correct it, but the pain was bearable so I never looked into surgery. And I've just sort of lived with the constant jaw ache since then since I figured it was just a bum jaw and I could handle it so it wasn't worth looking into more.

And now I'm actually doing research on all of the havoc that TMJ can cause. And I'm just kind of feeling like something of an idiot, because it looks like I had my answer a decade ago and I ignored it. And now I'm just a miserable 30 year old who's struggling to just be a person because I can't focus, and I'm in pain, and I'm tired and confused and at this point I can only assume my deformed jaw I've ignored for years is the root of it.

And now I've gotta like get in contact with my dentist to ask about those old MRIs I had, and I gotta figure out going to a TMJ specialist through my current insurance and just--

Ugh.

I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. And I feel like I've wasted so much time and I've been trying so hard to do better and get better but it's a fucking mess.

And like my family is expecting me to snap out of the funk I'm in and be a functional person since that brain MRI o had came out clean, and it's just like-- I still feel like shit all the time??

Nevermind when my family says my screen time causes all of this, when I literally started having heavy screen time BECAUSE of these symptoms that made it difficult to enjoy anything outside of a flat screen

[lordirony]

Hmm, some thoughts on my behavior about my art lately... and then some

So like if you've been following me for awhile, maybe this is noticeable. Maybe not. idk. But, I haven't been sharing much of my art like outside of patreon. And it's weird because it seems not to be fear-based? Like I personally do not care if my art gets scraped or whatever like have fun with it, it's not going to help you, so ai shit is not a factor in this. I just cannot seem to Remember to share stuff. Honestly, even on Patreon a lot of the times. Like i'll post stuff (besides my comic) like a week or so late. And then who fucking knows if it'll see the light of day outside of patreon. I am Forgetting because I am not feeling the need(?) or any reason to really share???? And I -think- it's because I've been so disconnected with people and life, that I'm like forgetting that the reason why I share my art in the first place is "hey maybe some rando I will never know will like this". And like forgetting that's a possibility? Not in a "I dislike my art" but in a "people don't care about my art" way instead.

Though I could be so bold as to push that further and say I'm in a huge funk right now. A huge "people don't care about me" funk. And again, not because I think I'm a bad person or anything, it's like "I'm someone but no one cares and I just have to deal with that I guess". So I'm isolating in weird ways. Go through bouts of not talking to people or even my friends. And then have a moment where I feel like I can share Something and like ... whatever I'm hoping/expecting doesn't happen so I conclude that I need to shut up and mind my own business.

Occasionally we get to the "what's the point of anything, why am i even here (in this existence)?" but that means I'm tired and need to sleep.

I dunno, I am hoping and begging things will change once I have my own place and once I'm on fucking adhd meds lmfao. I'm so sick of this detached-from-everything state.

Also I've been hating doing any sort of venting anywhere so this is an impulse thing basically

[oonajaeadira]

i've been excited for LOYW ever since you first mentioned the concept, and now seeing that snippet and you saying it helped with your writers block!?!? I DIDNT THINK I COULD BE EVEN MORE EXCITED

im so glad youre enjoying the concept and that youre looking forward to writing it, my favourite fanfics/fanworks are always the ones the author/creator had a fun time writing

ive basically read your entire masterlist and every character youve written for has never ever felt ooc, so knowing that one of my fave fanfic writers is doing this concept with mr.joel miller himself????? I AM SO SO EXCITED FOR THIS AHKSHFLGKLFJFL

Hello, friend.

I need you to know what a really really wonderful message this is. I don't know how to tell you how wonderful it is, but you need to know that it really really is. And how I needed to horde it for a little while.

I have been in a FUNK lately. My brain's been absolutely RUDE.

But.

I'm absolutely melted by this. I love that you love my stories. My whole masterlist? You mean my whole heart. That you have. In your hands. You beauty. This means so much to me...that you trust me with Joel, that you WANT me to write for him...you're excited even.

Excited.

(Are you still excited when I tell you I've written 6.3K of Spring already and it's not near being done yet? And that's just the first of four chapters? This is more of a beast than I'd planned...)

But I am having fun. Tremendous fun, really. I just made Joel hold a lamb because I wanted him to. He's going to take compliments and hospitality and enjoy it, dammit. And I am going to pry his rusted knuckles open and show him that letting Ellie go doesn't mean she'll run away. I'm opening him up like a tin can, but easy and slow and gentle...just like he likes it.

This one's just gonna take a little longer and that's all there is to it.

But knowing you're just as excited as I am for it? That's worth fighting for.

Thank you, one million million. <3

[viobliterator]

so i suppose this is the start of a new blogging series. check tags for triggers/squicks or whatever they're called

to keep things brief, ever since my mom finished her chemo/radiation years ago, she's been in a cognitive decline. i initially thought it was just chemo brain plus her being older, but my family and i noticed change in her. it feels like she's turning into me, and i'm turning into her, if that makes sense. i'm wondering who the mom is and who the daughter is.

she and my dad have been to the memory clinic a few times. i've chatted with my dad about what i notice in my mom, since i spend more time with her during the week. my dad and i recently had a conversation about the memory clinic's assessment, and it's apparent that she's definitely under the dementia umbrella but we still have yet to find out exactly what kind, since it's all kinds of different diseases with different progressions and prognoses

now to get to the emotion-side of this, because that's the purpose of this blog series. i try to be patient with my mom, i really do. but i'm so dang frustrated about the wholel thing. i know the boss ass bitch that is my mom is still in there but there's her shitty brain in the way and i just want to shake it out of her and tell her to snap out of it.

for example, she's always misplacing things and i end up having to help her find them. if i dare suggest her putting things in the same place or giving her advice that works for me, since i'm ADHD and autistic and understand the whole executive dysfunction thing, then i get hit with a response that sounds like it came straight out of a teenager's mouth. i dare to suggest she get a dang hobby, something mentally stimulating, same thing. she's frustrated with herself, i get it. she's also frustrated that she's losing independence. i sympathize.

but where's the part of her that's disciplined?

where is my mom?

i'm also mad that i have to deal with this before my 30th birthday. most people who deal with this kind of thing don't have to even think about it till their 40s or even 50s. but here i am. my sister is only in her early 40s. i still have no idea what i'm doing 90% of the time but here i am having to think about what we're going to do with my mom. i bet things will only progress from here too, and i don't like thinking about it. it feels fake but i also thought i'd had way more time than this.

part of me wishes she hadn't had me as late as she did, so i'd at least have a bit more wisdom under my belt by the time this happened.

i try to stay patient with her and not express my frustrations directly to her. i don't want her to feel like she's a burden, even though she kinda is. even thinking things like that makes me feel like a bad person, and a bad daughter. i want to tell her to figure things out. i want to tell her to pay attention. i want to tell her to snap out of this funk. i want to leave the house just to get away from the bullshit. i want to look up assisted living just so i don't have to deal with this.

idk if that makes me a bad daughter. my dad tells me he doesn't want me to feel obligated to take care of her as this goes on, but i'm her daughter. my sister took care of her when she had cancer, so it's only fair that i take care of her during this period??

and what kind of daughter doesn't take care of her aging mother

but yeah i hate this crap. i just want my mom back. even the annoying parts.

[readingrobin]

February really is a hell of a month. In my corner of the Earth, everyone's getting a little tired of the cold, anxiously looking forward to the longer days that are right around the corner. It's also too short, full of too many expectations, like trying to live up to the plans you made for yourself only just last month. Thankfully, that also means it's over quickly and March comes in with the hope of spring. Can't wait for all the green to come back to the grass and the trees.

Total Books Read: 6

Total Pages Read: 2, 144 pages

Total DNFs: 2

Books Read:

Silver in the Wood by Emily Tesh - (Review) (4/5)

A Conspiracy of Truths by Alexandra Rowland - (Review) (3/5)

Cry Wolf by Patricia Briggs - I've been a longtime fan of the Mercy Thompson series and, despite having it for almost a good decade now, I finally picked up the first book in this spinoff series. I will say, I think introducing the main characters in a short story separate from this book wasn't exactly the best decision, as there's a lot of confusion around who these characters are and what the basis of their story is. I'm not a fan of authors introducing important plot or character developments in short stories apart from the main series, as it's a pain to track them down in these obscure anthologies and makes the full length book seem incomplete.

Coming into this new series, I couldn't help but do some comparing to Mercy's. A little unfair, I know, but sometimes it can't be helped. Anna doesn't really come off as an interesting, strong protagonist and, to an extent, neither does Charles, far cries from Mercy, who always gives a good range of personality. From the first page, Anna and Charles are in instalove, so their relationship doesn't go through any worthwhile developments other than "Hey, we're in wolfy love now, guess we don't need to do any more emotional work on our behalf." It's just….how do you make a relationship interesting when they're automatically together? What hurdles do they face? What doubts? What hesitation? Hell, Anna has gone through trauma from sexual assault and being passed around her previous pack like a broodmare and that's not even expanded upon or how it may effect her relationship with Charles. It just ends up feeling so hollow. (3/5)

Young Men in Love edited by Joe Glass and Matt Miner - This is such a cute collection of queer romance comics made by queer creators for a queer audience. It focuses on male/masc couples through a variety of genres, ranging from more domestic stories to those featuring demon hunters, pirates, ghosts, and so much more. While not every story was a hit, it's rare for an anthology to be completely perfect, there is such an honesty to each one of them that you can't help but give them all a slight bit of admiration. Some standout stories include "Second Star to the Right," "Another Name," "Act of Grace," "The Way Home," and "Love Yourself." (4/5)

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers - (Review) (4/5)

The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke - Though I've been a Cornelia Funke fan since I was in middle school, this was one of her books I didn't grow up reading, which may have lessened the impact of it somewhat. The fantastical elements are pushed more to the background compared to her other books, and the magic comes more from the transportive descriptions of Venice. There was an interview in the back of my copy with Funke where she said that she wanted to create a book where children could actually go see the setting for themselves, which is a great way to introduce them to the wonders of their own world. And yet, somehow it felt like it overshadowed the characters a bit, who didn't really grab my attention.

Ultimately, the story didn't do much for me and I had the thought that I had read better versions of these themes in other books, most notably Something Wicked this Way Comes. Personally, I just think I started this book a tad too late. Though points to Funke for giving it a sort of odd, unconventional ending. (3/5)

DNFs:

The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion - This book was given to me by a friend about 10 years ago and I only got around to reading it since I wanted to declutter my shelves a bit. I'm not real big on stories where romance is the main element, but I wanted to give it a fair shot.

Ultimately, I decided to put it down because I'm a little tired of the straight white male with thinly veiled misogyny representation of autism, especially when the understanding and conversation around neurodivergence has changed so much since this was written. Autism is a very wide spectrum, but apparently media is focused on only showcasing this particular manifestation, coming from writers that are not autistic, nor do they cite any research done in the autistic community to make their characters more authentic. And, judging from reviews I've seen of later installments of this series, it only gets worse.

Also, very much not interested in male writers that cannot write women to save their life. Got no time for that.

And the Ocean Was Our Sky by Patrick Ness - Beautiful illustrations aside, there's not much that interested me in this book which I could have finished if I gave it another half hour, but didn't really see the point. I haven't read Moby Dick, nor do I think I ever will, so the appeal of seeing that story from the whale's perspective wasn't an incentive. That and there are so many confusing elements that make the story too absurd to take seriously: why do the whales swim upside down, how do they have harpoons tied to their bodies when they're incapable of tying them themselves, how do these whales even know how to speak to humans? I think it's a story where you're not meant to think too hard about the logistics, but I couldn't help questioning it on nearly every page.

Average Rating: (3.5/5)

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

hiii ella, i have a question which is kind of inspired by one of your reblogs from yesterday(i think), so do you believe in concept of wasted time? and if yes what does that mean to you?

I've been in this funk lately and im trying to figure out if I spent las

jesus, my ask about wasted time got sent before I finished it and I can't remember what I was typing so yeah you don't have to answer i just wanted to hear your thoughts :))

hope you have a nice daay<33

hello kind anon!! i did really go off in the tags of a post yesterday, didn't i? jshfkr

you were going somewhere with that last sentence, but i think i can already try to say some stuff that are true to me, and my experience, that might help? and you can always come back!

so this was that post and it basically said okay things about it being okay to grieve when you feel like life isn't going your way. i think the sentiment isn't wrong and op was trying to convey a nice message about hope, but i think the priorities and the bottom line were off. in the end, the focus was on "making up for lost time", and i don't agree with that. i don't agree with the overall sentiment that your life is only worthy if you manage you "build a new future".

it's tricky bc obviously the message is about not being hard on yourself when you're in a slump that you do want to get out of. i personally get depressed and then there really are times when the weeks and months become blurred and i don't really know what i've done with my time. and there is sometimes a sense of time that's been lost when you have to go through this struggle (again and again), bc it feels like you lost yourself. i think the real power lies in acknowledging that whatever state of mind you're in, or whatever you're going through, or whether or not you're productive or going places or achieving things, you're always still you, and especially: you're always still living.

after years and years of dealing with my depression, the way i have come most to terms with it is accepting it as part of me. i don't fight it, i don't deny it, i don't ignore it. when i go through funks and slumps, i remind myself that this is something my brain does, and that i always come out on the other side. if i made decisions during those times that 'set me back' in terms of my relationships, or perhaps things i'd been working on in life, then those can be seen as lost chances, things i can be sad about, but i will also do my very best to not fall into a spiral of self-chastising over a mental illness i can't control. this doesn't have to necessarily be about depression btw, this can apply to any life, bc we all experience our emotions in waves. to pretend like we always feel the same is a mistake, bc then we take away ourselves that freedom, and we deny what's naturally us. there's no reason to limit ourselves like that. you can't say "that's unlike me" about something you've done or felt.

i think the concept of "lost time" never made sense to me bc at a time when people kept saying it to me, it honestly felt like a slap in the face. i did a gap year after high school and academically it did nothing for me. i just spent a year abroad. so, people back home didn't see why i'd do that. and when i came back i was a different person. a year of not having to achieve things constantly, of taking away the pressure to prove myself so that i could finally get to know who i really am changed my entire perspective on life. if anything, i had won time, just because i was finally living a fuller life.

the time we spend in funks, is time our body asks of us to rest. it's a fog that sets, that can be incredibly frustrating and hard to get through, but eventually it lifts, and we feel better. think of it as a hibernation - when a bear reemerges after the winter, he's also ready to live a beautiful full life.

so, kind anon, i don't know if that helps you in any way, but apparently i had a lot to say about this lmao

and then i haven't even gotten started about the notion of lost potential bc i can write a book on that i think

[fuck--wit]

i can't sleep tonight. tomorrow (in 4 hours) is the first day of my sophomore year of uni. i've been waiting for this day to come because maybe it would help pull me out of the funk i've been in lately, but im worried now that i'll be ill-prepared for it from the lack of sleep. i couldn't sleep the other night, either. i stayed up roughly from 1pm til 2am over 24 hrs later. my memory doesn't serve me well so it's hard to remember precisely how often these lows occur, but i haven't had a completely sleepless night since last fall at least. even my late-night meltdowns from withdrawals left me with some rest each night. i'm also worried about having to quit again. i hope with school starting that it'll be easier to distract myself, but i'm also worried about doing well this semester with just gummies.

i wanna make a sleep basket. i like to change up where i sleep a lot, recently i've been crashing in the couch pit we made. but i want a basket containing remedies for sleepless nights. a journal and pen, ibuprofen and other pain relievers(edibles), it's where i'll keep my loveys, tissues, maybe an easy reading book/comic book, and other things i think of that make sitting alone in the dark a little more bearable. it'll have room for my snacks and water, too.

i've been trying to find a hair routine that helps to accentuate my curl pattern. i've always had a mix of curls patterns from 1b-3b and i've had some luck getting some stronger waves sheet i tried using a cotton shirt during the drying process. i just hope it stays like this for school.

i also hope i don't get berated at school by one of my professors. i got a D in THE pre-requesite for my major and im so grotesquely concerned that my professor is gonna be all professor-y about it. i feel assured that i'm not getting kicked out of the program, i've done really well in every other major-specific course, but i will cry in front of this professor if they make me feel like i'm better off quitting. i know it's my own anxiety that makes me feel this way, and i know in my heart that i'm gonna try harder this semester, i just can't bare the thought of another adult criticizing me for my decisions.

my mom would also commonly get so anxious over things that she lost sleep for it. like the nights before our first days of school, she'd be so nervous about us missing the bus that she wouldn't be able to sleep. i picked up on so many behavioral patterns as a kid that it bothers me a little that i didn't know then what i know now. i wish i could have paid more attention to the patterns in her behavior as they pertained to mood cycles. maybe then i'd be able to determine if she has bipolar, and then if i do, too. it doesn't matter to me what label belongs to my mental illness, i just wish the professional world was more forgiving with accommodations. like, if only i could more easily vocalize my struggle in the moment. like saying, "hang on, what you're asking me to do is actually really challenging and i'm not sure how to do it. and every time i express confusion, you only repeat yourself. so forgive me for crying mid-lesson from stress!" i don't even know how i would go about asking for the other professor. they all work so closely together that i'd fear my current professor hearing my faults with them. and respecting me for it- that's actually the bigger fear. i'm afraid that if i speak up about getting scared or stressed out from this professor will make me look overly-sensitive.

it's been an hour so i'll try sleep again. otherwise i might as well enjoy coffee and the sunrise.

[passionfruitmango]

Personal thinking things I wanna get out there because tumblr algo has yet again hit me

A while back I was noticing I'd see more age regression posts and was wondering if it was something I experience.

My brain insists on calling it indulging my inner child/inner child healing but like an orange and a clementine are both citrus fruits yahkno?

And today/lately I've been seeing stuff recommended about alters and systems and I was reminded and thrown back to a memory I had at age 13-15, that I know has happened at least once again after, where i found myself seemingly sitting in bed fighting with myself internally, with nothing but a notebook and pen to try to make sense of what was bouncing around in my head.

I haven't told anyone about it. I don't know what it means but part of me feels like it does and maybe it doesn't mean anything besides teenage me being edgy and misunderstood. Because as far as I know my memories are all fully cohesive, but are there different aspects and parts of me that I can see popping up and out more depending on circumstance, situation, and external stimuli? Yes.

Part of me thinks I'm still just trying to find anything to make me feel unique (but I also think that's a trauma response thought)

Anyway. I've had two instances when during a bad mental health moment in my youth I've found myself writing "I control this vessel" and it makes me wonder if I've got some of my own splits in me as an individual a traumatic history and a cocktail of mental health diagnoses and potentials. Is that the part of me that took the frontlines during times of trauma? Potentially.

Maybe this all plays into why I feel so disconnected from my government name and why I feel like the nickname form of it is for me only? There's so much going on here in me and every day im just doing my best to make sense of it. Seeing myself as one whole with many parts and aspects, however fragmented they may be from how they were learned and experienced.

Ughughugh idk I just feel so funky today, opposite action skill has kind of helped, feeling my feelings has kind of helped, but I'm still in the funk and still just doing my best so I guess I'm doing good.

[halflingkima]

Did that thing where I felt like I wasn't reading and just accumulated a whole stack of library books. But I do actually wanna read 'em so lets see how we do before I gotta send them back.

May TBR

Dark Tides by Kimberly Vale: Following the events of Crossbones, the squad of teen pirate captains deal with the fallout from the pirate games.

Having been disappointed by the first book and unsure of why this one exists I really shouldn't read it. But if I do I gotta do it soon enough after the first one that I only have to read it once. It seems like they split the party in this one which... makes no sense to me. Also kicks off with a random new guy pov which is why I haven't picked it up in earnest yet.

Cleat Cute by Meryl Wilsner: A professional women's soccer rivals to lovers romcom. [read ✓]

Genuinely, I checked my library holds one day and said, out loud "I don't remember ordering that" the day before it arrived. I've heard lackluster things about the author and seen absolutely no one talking about this book since its release which is not promising. However, I really love gay sports romances so god i WANT to love this one so bad.

Seek You by Kristen Radtke: a nonfiction piece in sequential art exploring the phenomenon of american loneliness through numerous social lenses.

This is kinda where my extra page shifts at work have been detrimental. Was shelving the graphic novels and saw this one simply languishing there and decided: now's the time. I wouldn't have picked this up if I wasn't feeling particularly lonely but also, i am feeling particularly lonely lately, so i worry it'll make things worse...

Killing Moon by NK Jemisin: In an egypt-inspired society, dream priests harvest the magic in civilians' sleeping hours to heal, harm, and carry out justice.

I must read this this year. The library does not have the audiobook. I'm going a little crazy because I think my eyes are rebelling. I will read this book.

Land of the Sons by Gipi: a post-apocolyptic story of survival in which two illiterate brothers obsess over their father's journaling. [read ✓]

Was feeling slumpy and grabbed this in a panic. It looks like a quick but impactful read and I have heard some good things about it. Hope it doesn't wreck me.

Rusty Brown by Chris Ware: probably the most sincere and/or pretentious attempt at a literary graphic novel to exist?? i guess?? [read ✓]

Also a slump-panic pull. I ordered it from the online catalog and was thrown to find it's funking HUGE. idk how long it'll take to read and it's p mysterious/pretentious, seeing as there's no synopsis or anything. Can't tell yet if it'll be like a neo-meta narrative or just up its own ass but some of the blurbs talk about it as a revolutionary piece of art. so lets see.

A Taste of Gold and Iron by Alexandra Rowland: a prince takes over an investigation of local guilds to prove his loyalty to his queen

i saw someone rave about this and remembered absolutely none of what they said but was in a bit of a fantasy romance kick after reading The Hidden Paths (absolutely recommend) and snapped it up when i saw it "on shelf" but now it's just sitting there. it's so chonky. send help.