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betteradvice · 4 months ago

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Self-Care Tips for Single Moms-to-Be

Self-Care is not Selfish

If you’re embarking on this pregnancy journey solo, you’re probably feeling a mix of excitement and “oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?” Don't worry, this is absolutely normal so let’s chat about some self-care tips that’ll help you from the get-go.

Creating a Support Network

First things first, you need a squad. You know that saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”? Well, it takes a village to support a pregnant single mom too!

Start by reaching out to single parent and pregnant & single organizations. They’re like your best go to, offering information, support, and pointing you in the right direction for services you might need.

Don’t be shy about connecting with other single parents, either online or in person. Trust me, they get it. Arrange playdates (yes, even before your little one arrives – it’s never too early to start building those connections), join local meet-ups, or dive into online communities. It’s like finding your tribe, but with more stretch marks and weird cravings.

And hey, if you’re feeling ready to dip your toes back into the dating pool, there are even apps designed specifically for single parents. Just remember, there’s no rush – your priority right now is you and the little one.

Mental Health Matters

Being a single parent-to-be can be tough on your mental health. In fact, a whopping 89% of single parents experienced anxiety at some point. That’s a lot of worried minds right?

But here’s the thing – taking care of your mental health isn’t just good for you, it’s crucial for your little one too. It’s like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others on a plane, except the plane is your life and the oxygen is your sanity.

Consider setting up the support group we just talked about and joining peer-led support groups or workshops. They’re great for boosting your emotional wellbeing and even strengthening that parent-child bond before your baby arrives. Plus, it’s a chance to meet other parents who get what you’re going through.

And remember, it’s okay to ask for help. Whether it’s asking a friend to watch your other kids for a few hours so you can have some “me time,” or reaching out to a therapist, taking care of your mental health is not a luxury – it’s a necessity.

While we’re on the topic of self-improvement, pregnancy can be a great motivator for breaking bad habits. Whether it’s nail-biting, procrastination, or mindless scrolling on social media, now’s the time to work on those behaviors that aren’t serving you or your baby. It all goes towards mental health.

Daily Self-Care Rituals

Now, I know what you’re thinking – “Self-care? I barely have time to pee in peace!” But hear me out. Self-care doesn’t have to mean day-long spa retreats (although if you can swing it, go for it while yo can).

It’s all about finding those little moments in your day to recharge. Maybe it’s savoring that first sip of your morning coffee (or your favorite sugar-free mocktails if you’re avoiding caffeine), taking a few deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed, or stepping outside for a quick dose of fresh air and sunshine.

For the working moms, try turning everyday tasks into mindful moments. That shower you’re rushing through? Make it a mini-meditation. Washing dishes? Focus on the warmth of the water and the smell of the soap. It’s about bringing intention to these small moments.

I always found Coloring books to be surprisingly soothing when you approach it with the right mindset. The key is finding what works for you and making it a consistent part of your routine.

Fitness and Nutrition Essentials

How do we keep that beautiful body of yours healthy and strong? Exercise during pregnancy isn’t just good for you – it’s great for your baby too! Aim for about 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity per week. That might sound like a lot, but you can break it up into smaller chunks.

Walking, swimming, modified yoga, or stationary cycling are all great options. Just remember to listen to your body and check with your healthcare provider before starting any new exercise routine. And if your usual workout involves extreme activities, maybe save that for after the baby arrives.

As for nutrition, focus on eating a balanced diet rich in fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean proteins, and low-fat dairy. Your body needs extra nutrients now, especially folic acid, iron, calcium, and protein. But don’t stress if you can’t stomach kale smoothies – do your best, and remember that prenatal vitamins are there to fill in the gaps. For those really short on time, consider batch cooking and meal preparation.

Time Boundaries and Priorities

Time management as a single mom-to-be is like trying to fit a week’s worth of laundry into a tiny washing machine – it takes some creative maneuvering! But with a few strategies, you can make it work.

Try using the Eisenhower Matrix to prioritize your tasks. It’s a fancy way of saying “figure out what’s important and urgent, and do that stuff first.” And don’t be afraid to set boundaries with work, family, and friends. Your time and energy are precious commodities right now. For total control over your time and the option of having a practical checklist to run through to keep you on track and less anxious, download my eBook – Single & Expecting: Pregnancy Checklist for Solo Moms.

Time blocking can be a game-changer too. Schedule in your self-care activities, medical appointments, and baby prep time just like you would any other important commitment. And here’s a pro tip: apply Parkinson’s Law by setting shorter deadlines for tasks. You’ll be amazed at how much more efficient you become!

Conclusion:

Remember, self-care isn’t selfish – it’s essential. By taking care of yourself, you’re taking care of your baby too.

This journey of single motherhood might not be what you expected, but it’s going to be amazing. You’re strong, capable, and you’ve got this! Just take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and don’t forget to enjoy the ride.

And hey, if you ever feel overwhelmed or unsure about anything, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Whether it’s for emotional support, practical advice, or even questions about legal ramifications of certain decisions, there are people and resources out there ready to support you.

So here’s to you – growing a human, preparing for motherhood, and doing it all with grace (and maybe a little morning sickness). You’re a superstar, and your little one is lucky to have you.

Cheers,

Alex

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mental-health-advice · 2 years ago

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i want to stop living but i don't have the guts to kill myself.

Hey there,

The fact that you mentioned that you want to stop living but don’t have the guts to commit suicide suggests that deep down you really do want to live. I say this because if you really didn’t want to live then you also wouldn’t have reached out to us for some support and advice!

So how can we best help to support you right now.

Here at MHA we are not an emergency service as I am sure you know but this doesn’t mean that you cannot access help from other people or services. For example if you ever need to talk you are more than welcome to send us another Ask (just be mindful of wait times for an answer) or contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling. They will be able to give you immediate help and support as well as allowing you to talk to someone about what’s going on, helping you to explore why you might be feeling as you are and giving you some helpful techniques/ suggestions of how to help you through. You can also reach out to your local mental health support services and or even see your local doctor or GP and get a referral to see a counsellor or a therapist. You do not have to go through any of this alone! There are people who can and do want to help you and support you, sometimes it’s just a matter of asking for help.

In times that you do want to die, sometimes thinking back to good, happy memories in the past that you have loved or enjoyed can be helpful, or thinking about the simple things in life that you love. For more suggestions I encourage you to check out our page on reasons to stay.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #suicidal #suicidal ideation #reaching out for support #getting help

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scuttle-buttle · 3 years ago

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What's One More?

WC: 3204

Rated: M

Tags: brief mentions of crime/mental illness/child abuse and neglect/substance addiction/theft, fluff, family dynamics, mentions of aging, mentions of difficult pregnancy, softness, anxiety attack

🧠

The harsh vibrating of a phone on the nightstand breaks your slumber. Still half asleep you toss your arm back to thump against your sleeping husband's side. With a groan he answers. You try to settle back into your pillow and the warmth of the blanket. Whoever has the balls to call at this hour has another thing coming - but later because your priority is going back to sleep.

He can't have been on the call more than fifteen seconds before he sits up in bed suddenly, turning on the bedside lamp; his movements grab your attention. You roll over. The light blinds you and you rub at your eyes to adjust. You can't make out what's being said. Looking at the clock to see that it's barely 4 am you know something bad has happened. Quietly you slip out from the covers.

Making your way down the hall you peek into your daughter's room, grateful that she's still fast asleep. Her soft snores punctuate the calm. Your nerves abate knowing she’s safe. By the time you get back to the bedroom Laszlo is up and getting dressed. "What's going on?"

He doesn't answer at first. You wait until he's finished buttoning his shirt to ask again. "Sara was called to consult on a triple homicide case - she's asked for me to come down to the police station. I don't know much yet, but it's something involving a young boy and she wants me to speak with him."

“Did he…?”

“No. He was not directly involved, that much we know.”

You nod, leaning against the door frame. This wasn't the first time that Laszlo had been called in by law enforcement and social services to assist with children and teens that needed psychological help. He had become more active around the time you graduated with your doctorate. After Sophia was born Laszlo helped fund an after school program for kids that focused on support for mental health and behavioral issues. He was so passionate about being able to help these kids. But it was never at this ungodly hour. "You'll call or something when you know what's up?" you ask through a yawn.

"Of course, Bärchen." He gives you a chaste peck. Gently he guides you back towards your bed and sits you down. "Go back to sleep, there's no need to worry. I love you." With that he left.

Your sleep is fitful with him gone. You worry over things that you aren't even aware of, over who is hurt, over how severe a situation it could be to have been called in the middle of the night, over the poor boy that needs Laszlo’s help. When your daughter tiptoes into the room around 6 you welcome her into the bed with open arms.

"Why are you up, baby bug?"

"Where's Papa?" She climbs up on his side of the bed and rubs his cold pillow. On her face is a deep frown.

"He had to go help some very important people early this morning. He'll be back to see you soon, I promise."

"I miss him. He always helps me with my shoes."

You can't help the smile that crosses your face. "I know, baby. But it's still early so let's take a nap before we have to get ready, hmm?" The two of you snuggle under the covers. With her curled into your side you do find rest, even for the short time before your alarm chimes.

The day moves sluggish as you wait for word from your husband. Little work was to be done today at the museum, so there wasn't much to keep your mind off the wondering. You considered calling. You considered texting. But you knew that when the time was right he would let you know. No news is good news, you think.

Finally the day came to a close. You picked up Sophia and stopped by the store on the way home to grab supplies for dinner. She insisted that she carry one of the bags inside - little miss independent that she was. “Careful not to drop it, okay? Use those muscles of yours to hold the bag tight.”

“Mama I know, I help Papa carry all the time,” she explains matter-of-factly.

The townhouse is quiet as you begin to unpack. You do a quick glance into the dining room and parlor to no avail. "Laz, honey? You home?" A few seconds later you hear movement from the stairs.

Your husband rounds the corner into the kitchen, swooping down to scoop your daughter into his left arm, peppering her face in exaggerated smooches. Her giggles light up the room from the dim atmosphere. He perches her on his hip. “How was your day my little dove?”

“So good Papa - I practiced my counting today at school. I can get the biggest in the class! Mommy said I must be the most smartest," she prattles on.

“Wunderbar!” he praises her before turning to you. “I didn't hear you come in." Laszlo kisses you.

Pinning him with a look you say "you also didn't call me today? You said you would and I've been worried all day."

Sophia crosses her arms and harrumphs from her father's hip; "me too Papa." He quirks an eyebrow at her before speaking.

"Yes… there is something I wished to speak with you on but didn't think it was suitable for the phone." You raise your own brows but continue to put away groceries. "I do not wish to discuss certain aspects of the case in present company-" he nods towards Sophia minutely "-but we do have a houseguest for the foreseeable future."

"Oh?" Your brows dip in confusion. This is not what you were expecting.

Laszlo peeks around the doorway and calls out "Stevie, would you come join us in the kitchen please."

Stevie? You don't know a Stevie...

A moment later a lanky boy with scruffy dark blond hair shuffles into the room. He can't be anymore than 15. His clothes are too big on him and his shoes are worn beyond belief; nevertheless he gives you a slight smile. “This is Stevie Taggert, he’s going to be staying here with us in the guest room for now.”

“Good evening Mrs. Kreizler,” the boy says nervously, his voice cracking.

You spare a look at your husband before turning to the teenager with a smile. “Ah, no need for that, kid. You can just call me by my name instead. And welcome to our home. You like spaghetti?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Awesome! And I’m certainly not old enough to be a ma’am,” you give him a wink. You set up a pot to boil the water for the pasta. Laszlo excused himself to spend some time with Sophia, leaving you and Stevie in the kitchen.

He clears his throat behind you. “Would um… is there anything I can do to help?”

"I would love that, thank you."

The two of you get to work on making dinner. Stevie doesn’t say too much, but he is very polite and does his best to be useful. Once the food is nearly finished your family has returned ready to eat. You send Stevie and Sophia to set the table.

“Should I be worried?” you ask Laszlo quietly, watching the doorway the two left through.

“I don’t think so. I just felt that I would rather he have a familiar face to adjust with instead of being placed in a group home like many end up.”

You study his face. “You’ve taken a liking to him haven’t you?”

“Well…" his face reddens at your question. "He reminds me a bit of myself when I was his age.” The conversation is cut short by the kids returning.

The rest of dinner and the evening goes smoothly. You make it a point to not bring up any questions that could trigger the teenager, especially before you’ve spoken with Laszlo about the situation at hand. When Stevie nearly eats his weight in pasta you say nothing, wondering how long it's been since he's had a good home cooked meal. He insists on helping clean up the dishes afterwards. Without even knowing what the boy has gone through your heart aches for him.

You set him up in the small renovated basement downstairs while Laszlo puts Sophia to bed. Handing him one of your husband’s old Harvard t-shirts to sleep in you tell him “I’m sorry you’ll be down here by yourself, but if you need us for anything don’t be afraid to come get us - no matter what time it is, okay? And if you get cold there’s an extra blanket right here for you. I know it's July but….” you shrug. “Tomorrow after I get home from work we can go to the store and get you some stuff to use, some more clothes, that kinda thing.”

“Yes ma’am.” At the teasing look you give him his ears burn red with his mumbled “right sorry.”

“Alright Stevie. We’ll see you in the morning, sleep well.”

Laszlo is in bed reading when you enter the room. Nothing is said as you ready yourself for bed. Slipping under the covers you face him. He sighs and closes his book.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call. I became caught up in the day and only arrived home with Stevie maybe half an hour before you did.” He sighs a second time. “Most of the case I cannot talk about, but what I can say is he was living with his mentally ill father, whom was also an addict. He missed the last few weeks of the school year and has been regularly stealing food to get by. He has no other family. I just… it didn’t feel right to let him process his experiences away from someone properly trained to deal with these sorts of things, in addition to how traumatic entering foster care at his age can be. I spoke with those in social services and was granted temporary custody until we find another more permanent solution.”

“Of course.”

He takes hold of your hand. “You aren’t upset with me?”

“I mean it would’ve been nice to have a bit more warning… but I get it. He can stay as long as he needs to. He’s a sweet kid,” you reassure him. “I told him that I would take him shopping after work tomorrow, so if you could pick up Soph from preschool that would be great.”

“Perhaps instead we can all go? I was thinking that I would bring him to the university with me so that he’s not alone all day. You could get her and then we could meet somewhere, get dinner afterwards?”

You lean closer to him to curl around his arm and rest your head on his shoulder. He always thought so much about others, especially children. Laszlo had such a heart of gold and it honestly left you in awe of just how much he was willing to give so that others could find peace and happiness. Like the older he got the more he had to give. The thought warms you. “How are you literally the best person I know? And to think you used to be so worried about being able to be a good father and now you’re the best of all of us.” He huffs a little as you nuzzle into his chest.

“I have you to thank for that, Bärchen.” He drops a kiss to your head. “But it’s getting late and I’ve been up all day. We should get some sleep.”

Soon after you're both dreaming.

___

Stevie had been with you for three weeks. It only took him a few days to start to settle in, and you discovered that he was quick with his wit and far smarter than he let on. He was a little bit of a sarcastic smart-ass at times, but all in good nature. He was endlessly entertaining. Laszlo sat down with him almost everyday to talk about what he was feeling, the things he experienced, and ways to deal with the loss of his family. Already you both saw improvement.

Even Sophia got on well with him. Most teenage boys wanted nothing to do with little kids, let alone a 4 year old that loved playing 'spaceship barbie'. But not Stevie. On his fifth day you'd found him sat on the floor playing with her and going along with her childlike imagination. When she insisted he play the barbie that needed saving he went along with it, high pitched voice and everything. He even encouraged her to pick up her toys before bed - a feat you and your husband struggled with at times. It struck you how much Stevie became a big brother of sorts to her.

Laszlo grew even more fond of the boy. He wasn't really one for TV, but every evening he sat and watched some show on Netflix about racing with the teen and didn't complain once. Laszlo had tried to explain the role of adrenaline in racing drivers as a psychological function, but Stevie just brushed it off and said it was the driving so fast that made it "cool".

The two did bond over an unlikely subject - punk rock. When you got home from work two weeks into his stay and heard the music blasting in the parlor you worried someone had broken in. Whipping into the room you saw Laszlo in his chair tapping his foot to the intense guitar and singing; Stevie nodded along to the music as he held an old album cover. It didn't take long for Sophia to start jumping along to the music too.

"What is this?" You yelled out over the bass - you couldn't recognize it and it clearly wasn't English.

"Die Toten Hosen, a band I listened to growing up in Germany. Stevie found the record and asked to listen."

"Listen? I think you mean blow out your eardrums!" Even with needing to shout to be heard you had to laugh at the situation. How your husband had a secret love for German punk you'll never know; yet you would never let him live it down.

And when Stevie came and woke you both up in tears three nights ago you made him hot chocolate while Laszlo sat down with him. He confessed that he had never been treated or cared for like he was in your home. How he wished he could stay because he felt wanted. Your heart broke for the boy. To be so young and so lost, craving someone to simply be there for him.

Yet everyday he grew more open. He broke out of his shell. He had goals and ambitions; he wanted to amount to something bigger than he had thought he ever could. It almost shocked you at how much fire was within him.

At how much he fit in with your little family.

At how it was like he was meant to be there.

___

Laszlo was oddly quiet when you got home. Sophia had run off to find Stevie, and you tracked your husband down to his office. He listened as you talked about your day for a good ten minutes; he said almost nothing the whole conversation.

You move closer to him. Placing the back of your hand to his forehead you check to see if he's feverish or sick. He didn't feel warm. "Laz, are you feeling okay?"

He gently pulls your hand down and leaves a kiss on your palm. "The department of social services called this morning to inquire about what we want to do with Stevie. This would be the third time they have asked."

He hadn't mentioned it to you at all that they were calling already. "Okay. What do you think we should do?" You pause for him to continue.

"I told them I would need to speak with you before any further decisions were made regarding him…" His fingers tap against the wood of his desk. "I'm not sure I have an answer for them. Nor for you." He swallows. "I'm afraid of what might become of him should he go into the system. Or that he will not get the support he needs given his past. Any option involving allowing him to stay for a bit longer is a commitment I won't make without your full support, of course. I could never ask that of you." As he speaks you can hear the frustration pouring from him, feel the irritation radiating through the room. "I refuse to give up on him- I- I just don't have the answers on what to do without them hounding me and he deserves better than this, dammit."

"He does… Do you remember on your 50th birthday, what you told me?" Laszlo looks up at you confused. "You said that you had wished you were ten years younger so you had the energy and time to do all of it again. That if you were younger we would've had a whole gaggle of kids - brothers and sisters for Sophia."

"Wishing I was younger doesn't make a difference in helping Stevie-"

"Laszlo - let's adopt him." Your words stop him in his tracks. You had decided not to have any more after your daughter was born. Laszlo was nearing 50 and the pregnancy had been hard on you. But regardless you knew that you both had the means and the love to give another child, probably five or ten more children if you really wanted to. So why not start with one that's already wormed his way in to the family? "I've seen how fond you are of him already. You've taken him under your wing as if he was your own. And how good he is with Sophia? Hell I couldn't ask for a better older sibling for her - and she loves him already. And honestly, Laz, I do too."

"You think we should adopt Stevie?"

"I think we should ask, yeah. He deserves a good home and a strong father figure that's going to put him first. He looks at you like you hung the stars, Laszlo. He needs us, and truthfully I think we need him. So yeah - what's one more added to this little shindig we've got going for us?"

"Have you-"

"-thought it through? Yes. Completely."

You can see the smile he fights to hold back. "We should call tomorrow and see what the protocol is for stating our intent to adopt and getting the paperwork."

"Um…" You shuffle your feet. Nose scrunched, you confess "I may have already called them. On the way from work I asked about what would need to be done if we wanted to pursue that route, but since they already know who we are from you working with them for years it can be fast tracked." You pull him out of his chair to stand before you. "All we have to do is say 'go'."

He has no hesitation.

"Go."

Laszlo doesn't hold back his smile or his laughter as he spins you around his office floor. You're certain your children downstairs can hear your giggles.

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nightswithkookmin · 4 years ago

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Goldy I never thought I would reach out to any Jikook blog but after your last post I have to. I am an east asian american and trans. I have never spoken on this issue, commented or posted about this. I am a Jikook supporter but sometimes Jikook supporting blogs don't feel like the friendliest place. I want to thank you for changing my opinion on that. It is an insult to BTS to say Jikook don't know they seem gay or that they don't know what gay looks like. It is an insult to fans like me to say it would be OK to do the things they do if they were cisgendered straight men. I personally saw a few people say or dance around this and they got intimidated by big blogs for it. I would never name names because I beleive in free speech and the right of people to express themselves, as long as it isn't hate speech. Supporting lgbt people and making sure they don't feel endangered is MORE IMPORTANT THAN STANNING A KPOP BAND and I say this as a 4 year long bts and Jikook stan. So many people don't want to touch this issue and I understand why.

But thank you for supporting ACTUAL lgbt people as well as bts and showing stubborn people that BTS mean gay rights when they say gay rights.

I don't know why but this Ask made me cry...

I've been reading it over and over for the past two days and each time I feel humbled by it. Thanks so much for sharing this with me.

I think the era of the obsessed 'kids' and '13 year old shippers' in this space is coming to an end. I think it's time for a more nuanced mature conversation on what it means to ship and stan our faves in today's sociopolitical climate.

Let's intellectualize shipping and use it as a vehicle for social change not just pleasure. Sabotaging political hashtags is a start. Trending and donating to BLM is equally important. Fighting for gay rights and recognition is the next step and a natural progression from here- and about damn time!

Gone are the days where celebrities and idols were immune to accountability and personal responsibility. We live in a world where everyone is required to be converstant in and sensitive to social issues. Awareness is woven into our collective consciousness and for some of us we cannot divorce that from our pleasure receptors.

Hate to quote my pastor but, 'As a kid, I spoke, thought and reasoned like a kid. As I grew up, chilee darling, I put my ghetto ways aside. You feel me?' Lol. Yea, my pastor hood like that. Lol.

The fact of the matter is, BTS has a higher mature demographics now. Majority of us grew with them, if not past them. They are not seventeen anymore, Jin is almost thirty, the youngest in the group is past twenty three and majority of their fanbase are breaching Young Adult well into Adulthood and beyond.

We simply cannot view them with the same lens anymore. If we did, we would be infantilizing them if not enabling them.

We ought to be able to have certain conversations that reflect our age, hearts, backgrounds, experience, values and beliefs.

We can't sit behind our television sets and smart phone screens in this day and age and assume BTS sat through a performance like this and did not for a second think about what it meant, why the crowd cheered at certain moments or even understand the impact, message and intent behind it- especially not when Halsey, an openly bisexual woman and advocate for LGBTG rights is an acquaintance of thiers.

I don't know how a fraction of this fandom can assume BTS would have a collaboration of this nature and not know anything about the gay rights discourse or what queer baiting is or not consider how their actions may or may not be contributing to the marginalization of persons as these- to not have agency and personal responsibility or empathy.

JK cannot stan a gay artist such as Troye Sivan and divorce his music from his sexuality because it flows from it. Not when Troye has openly spoken about the struggles he went through as a closeted gay man, coming out and how that affected his mental health.

JK knows what gay is, he is aware of the struggles queer people face on a daily. His decision to cover, license and recommend songs by this artist is a deliberate act coming from a place of being informed on the matter.

Jimin knows. RM knows. Suga knows.

BTS cannot prepare a speech like this while oblivious to the plight of the LGBTQ plus community. I refuse to believe that simply because it's not true. Anyone who says otherwise is a scammer. Lol.

And I think they are intelligent enough to have cognisance of the fact majority of the world view certain aspects of their home culture as problematic and non-progressive and that this same world is watching them and what they do in this space matters.

They are part of the conversation. And it's in their interest to present themselves as queer a queer friendly band and company by distinctifying themselves from these 'traditional' Kpop bands.

I believe they know that being woke gives them a competitive advantage as MCs and advocates for the youth in today's world.

I believe they are aware certain things in their 'fan service culture' doesn't fly in the space they compete in and want to compete in. They are competing and rubbing shoulders with top LGBTQ plus advocates, sharing seats with them at awards, standing next to them- they best to look sharp.

It's obtuse for anyone to fall on the 'culture' rhetoric to excuse certain behaviors of their idols when actual queer people from and within that same culture fight against it.

Most S. koreans I know and have come across complain about their 'culture' and some even harbor strong resentments against this whole fanservice culture.

Holland, an openly gay Idol from South Korea, has equally spoken out against the 'fan service' culture prevalent within Kpop on several occasions and laments how it depoliticizes queerness and affects actual queer people within S.K.

And isn't it funny that the same conservative Christian population who strongly oppose homosexuality in S.K often lead online campaigns against Jikook for 'promoting homosexuality' because of certain fanservice and skinship they do?

If skinship is normal and fanservice is culture, why does conservative S.K keep pushing back against it? It's their culture uno?! Lmho.

Queer south Koreans and conservative Christians hate fanservice culture and yet here we are using their culture to defend it as if it's all black and white. Lmho.

Did they or did they not see South Korean's reactions to this performance by Jikook? The mixed feelings most had about it?

Men can nibble on men's ear but God forbid they toss them in the air and catch em💀

South Koreans are not a monolith. Their culture is nuanced like any culture. It's not static and not clear cut black and white either.

It's one thing to respect other's culture, it's another to perpetuate it in ignorance. Perpetuating their culture and being religious about it does not allow for the dynamism inherent in their culture.

Troye Sivan talked about how he'd stop in the middle of his concerts and performances upon seeing the hyper fangirls in the front row and then think to himself, 'I know they know I'm gay, so why are they still here...'

And this was before he came out.

Jikook know we know they are queer or that we think of them as queer. When Jimin talks about 'those that love me for me' he knows exactly what he is talking about or rather who he is talking to- it's not these hets I'm afraid.

Troye also talked about being privileged because he lived in a rather queer friendly neighborhood where everyone is gay and so he'd always felt safe coming out.

Isn't that what JK is doing?

Now this is a person who's without a doubt had a lot of influence on JK in his early formative years as an Idol right down to his decision to move into a much queer friendly neighborhood of Itaewon.

They know we know. Jikook is gay.

Thankfully, there are reports of a rising number of LGBTQ plus in South Korea, a lot of allies, a lot of queer folks coming out and a lot of companies opening up to working with gay idols and aspiring idols.

It's such a relief but a lot of work still needs to be done and I stand with them on behalf of Jikook and any queer folk in SK.

My sister is helping me reach out to an LGBTQ plus advocate from Seoul for an interview for my blog. If everything goes well, I'd love for her to share her thoughts on queer passing, queer baiting and fan service within Kpop and how that affects LGBTQ youth in South K.

It's a conversation I'm really passionate about and interested in.

I love me some ships, but I also love me some queer advocacy and human rights uno? Lol.

Thing is, I may quit BTS one day, but I can never quit being me. Being human. Always put the human first is my motto.

Oh and I hear people are plotting to cancel me? Chilee. Y'all do that but:

Let it echo.

Signed,

GOLDY

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gallagherwitt · 5 years ago

Text

Parents, don't let your babies grow up to be soldiers.

I've debated for a long time about posting this, and after some of the things I've read this past week, it's time.

To be clear, I have nothing but respect for people who serve. Whether your reason for joining the military is to serve your country, to gain access to the GI bill, to escape a bad situation, or any other reason -- respect. I'm also only speaking out the US military, as I don't know enough about other countries' forces to comment one way or the other.

So.

People sometimes come to me and ask for advice for themselves or for their high school age child who is considering military service. Which branch should they choose? Should they enlist or become an officer? Do a four-year stint or go for the 20-year career?

And it's hard to have those conversations because the answer I want to give is "Don't do it."

The suicide rate in the military is on the rise, and the powers that be keep wringing their hands and wondering why. Anyone who's paying attention can clearly see why.

Toxic command climates. Multiple year-long combat tours. Financial stress (food stamps are not uncommon in military families). Separation from loved ones for months or years at a stretch (either to remote duty stations or on deployment). Long periods of severe sleep deprivation. Untreated addiction, mental illness, and PTSD. Untreated or maltreated injuries or illnesses. Sexual assault is taken even less seriously than it is in the civilian world. Domestic violence is rampant.

The military has resources available for all of these things, and channels that service members can use to report problems. On paper, the support network is strong and present.

On paper.

In practice, it's a very, very different story.

The simple act of asking for help for depression, anxiety, burnout, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, sexual assault, harassment, etc, can literally end a person's career. At best, it can seriously derail it, diverting even the most promising upward trajectory. At worst, it can lead to a person being deemed unable to do their job, being stripped of security clearances, railroaded into dead-end rates, etc.

People are unofficially and indirectly punished for whistle blowing. Report sexual assault or harassment? Well, they'll need to separate you from the other person... which means you're probably going to wind up behind a desk in a promotion blind spot, and whether anything happens to the perpetrator or not (spoiler: it probably won't), you're not getting promoted. If you don't get promoted, you don't get to reenlist. Snitches get stitches.

If you're a dependent of an abusive service member, it's even more complicated and intimidating to get help than it is in the civilian world. You're told -- sometimes directly, sometimes not -- that reporting this can end your spouse's career, so you'd better be *real* sure you want to open that Pandora's box. After all, if you end their career, then you have financial stress *and* your spouse has yet *another* reason to be angry with you. Couple that with the difficulty spouses have holding down careers with multiple moves, and you have abused spouses with no means of supporting themselves if they leave.

Got a knee that hasn't been the same since that training exercise last year? You can go to Medical and get some Motrin, but if you can't PT, it's going to hinder your ability to get promoted. Physical readiness is a job requirement, and the doctor says it's fine, so just keep knuckling through. Then when you fail a couple of physical readiness tests and finally get booted out, you can go see a civilian doctor and find out how badly you actually injured your knee and how much damage you've done by continuing to stand and run on it. The VA might take care of you, but don't hold your breath. After all, the military doesn't maintain equipment it's no longer using. Once you're off active duty, you're no longer a priority. Not that you or your health are much of a priority on active duty -- all that matters is your physical readiness.

It's not just *your* health that's compromised either. If you're in a rate where overseas duty stations are necessary to move up the ranks, your family needs to be -- at least on paper -- in tiptop health. You can lose overseas orders if one of your dependents has a medical condition -- even something like depression or if they're in need of dental work. Alternatively, you can go unaccompanied and live apart from your dependents for the duration of your orders, which is spectacular for morale and families.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Except no one expects the military life to be easy. After all, those are the sacrifices people make to serve their country and defend our freedom, right? Let's be real: No one has fought for the safety and freedom of Americans since World War II. Vietnam, Gulf War I, Afghanistan, Iraq -- those were over politics and oil. Now we're sending troops to defend oil in Saudi Arabia.

We're not allowed to say all that out loud because we're supposed to support our troops. And I do support our troops. I'm married to a service member, for God's sake. It's because of that support that I AM saying this out loud:

Our service members are fighting for politics and oil.

Not freedom. Not America. Not democracy.

Politics. Oil. Other people's promotions.

Service members deserve support, and they deserve better than the top-down failures from leadership that have been rampant in the military for decades. It's considered noble to serve because by enlisting, you're handing the United States a blank check to be cashed in the amount of up to and including your health, your sanity, or your life.

We're just not supposed to pay attention to what's in the memo line on that check:

Politics. Oil. Other people's promotions.

And in the end, when you've served your time, and you've either reached the end of your contract or the end of your usefulness -- whichever comes first -- then you'll be expected to transition to a normal life as a productive citizen who hasn't seen and done things few can imagine in exchange for a handful of benefits. No one wants to hear about the horrors you've lived and the nightmares you have even when you're awake. They want you to be a dignified veteran so they can thank you for your service.

So if you come to me and ask for advice regarding you or your child joining the military, I'm going to be honest. I'm going to say the only thing I can, in good conscience, say after watching service members get chewed up and spit out one after the other:

Parents, don't let your babies grow up to be soldiers.

#military mental health #military

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crossdressingdeath · 4 years ago

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I know you'll probably disagree with me, but i rlly hate the Cloud recessess ending. It's just....

Those elders killed wwx. The Lans were 100% ready to murder both at Qiongqi path but also at the siege. They see him as the guy who corrupted their precious jade. They all preach righteousness, but the whole madam Lan thing is iffy at best and i do not believe that everyone there fully believes the rules. Hell, i have a special bone to pick with the " do not gossip" rule, seeing as gossip had been the main info route for women in patriarchal societies.

I just don't think that after wwx killed Lans in the siege they'd be all that willing to forgive him and take him in w open arms. The juniors and kids love him, yes, but people who saw the war....

Not to mention the whole " do not speak to WWX " rule. I've seen ppl say it's a joke but it's On The Wall. It's supposed to be followed. Even if it was intended as a joke - which i don't believe - it's very cruel for someone w rejection and trust issues.

I also hate it from a very personal perspective. I see Wwx as ND, and, as an ND myself, all those rules terrify me. From the no running and the proper posture ones, i can pretty well imagine they forbid stimming. The Lan curfew would fuck anyone with insomnia and there's smth deeply ucked up abt the " do not grieve in excess". I get that they're supossed to be a paragon of the best things at all time, and that LJY is very UnLan like, but for someone w anxiety who CAN'T follow those rules, it would be a nightmare.

...Some points:

First, the Lan elders did not kill WWX, nor did they attack him unfairly. They weren’t looking at him as the man who corrupted LWJ, either, or at least that wasn’t their primary concern (I will never forgive CQL for suggesting they were or it was); they were looking at him as a traitor to the sects who was raising an army to destroy them. Remember, that is the information the Lans had. Every source they had except for LWJ (who the people he would have gone to would have known was biased and who presumably everyone knew had recently been in close contact with WWX where he could have been manipulated or enchanted in some way), sources which included multiple sect leaders (one of whom was WWX’s brother) and LXC’s dear friend, swore up and down that WWX was a major threat, and let’s face it, WWX didn’t do much to dissuade people from thinking that! Acting like the Lans were maliciously targeting WWX is doing them something of a disservice, I’d say. They acted based on the knowledge they had available; note how the Lans are the first to offer WWX their help once they’re given reason to believe he may not be a villain! And even aside from that, saying they killed WWX (and not JGS and JGY’s manipulation or JC’s army) feels a bit like scapegoating, honestly. Of the four sects, the Lans are quite possibly the least responsible for WWX’s death. If it would hurt him to live with or around anyone who held any responsibility for his death his only option would be to live as a hermit, which would be far worse for him. And yeah, the Lans aren’t perfectly righteous all the time and some morally dubious things have been done by Lan sect members; they’re human, after all! Some of them will only be as moral as their sect leader demands they be! That doesn’t mean the sect as a whole is bad, especially with LXC, LQR and LWJ in charge. Certainly I’d say they’re still better than the other sects, all things considered. One ambiguous situation that may or may not have involved some members of the previous generation doing some fucked up shit doesn’t mean WWX would for sure be mistreated!

As for gossip... there’s a difference between sharing information and gossiping. There’s no evidence that the Lan women are blocked from... y’know, freely communicating and sharing information between themselves. We have no reason to believe they are reliant on gossip. Also they presumably go out night hunting just like the men? Men and women are kept separate in the Cloud Recesses, but I get the sense that that’s more like... school stuff than anything else. The women aren’t exactly locked up, they can be cultivators! The society is still sexist, but that doesn’t mean they’re kept from going out and doing things. And I need to make this clear: there is a fair chance that the rule against gossip saved LWJ’s life, because it kept word of him defending WWX from the sects from spreading to people who would not be willing to let bygones be bygones. Gossip sucks! It hurts people! A lot of this story (and more to the point the suffering of the characters within the story) happens because of gossip! The Lans banning gossip is pretty clearly supposed to be a good thing, I’d say.

And yeah, maybe after WWX killed a bunch of their sect the Lans wouldn’t accept him with open arms as if nothing ever happened! And that’s fair! I can’t imagine where WWX could go where that wouldn’t be the case, unless he and LWJ chose to abandon the cultivation world forever. But you know what else the Lans won’t do? Try to execute him. Or from what we see in the extras even dwell on the past that much. No, the Lans aren’t going to immediately forgive WWX and bring him into the fold without a moment’s hesitation, but you know what? They accept his marriage to LWJ! They let him supervise the juniors on night hunts! They consider him part of their sect! Honestly, that is all WWX can really ask and far more than he’d get from any other sect. There are consequences for what WWX did, even though he wasn’t the villain or necessarily trying to hurt anyone, and frankly people not being entirely comfortable with his presence is very much reasonable.

The “do not speak to WWX” rule may not be a joke, but it’s also pretty clearly not a serious rule. No one takes it seriously. The juniors (the only people WWX really talks to anyway aside from LXC and LWJ) only pay it the minimum lip service of talking to him off the path. WWX himself sure as hell doesn’t care! He clearly finds it pretty damn funny. And I don’t think a guy who has never liked him once again proving he does not like him (in a way that is clearly temporary given how later LQR invites WWX to the Lan family banquet with... reasonable amounts of grace, thereby implicitly accepting him as LWJ’s husband and therefore his own family by marriage) counts as a rejection or a breach of WWX’s trust? Like, LQR has literally always hated WWX. He isn’t preventing WWX and LWJ from spending time together or shutting WWX out of the Cloud Recesses or even making a concentrated effort to keep people from talking to him; he’s venting his frustrations, but if he really intended to block WWX from taking part in life in the Cloud Recesses he would’ve done a hell of a lot more than just make a rule who no one WWX likes follows anyway. It’s a temper tantrum, that’s all, and clearly that’s what WWX takes it as. I mean, if nothing else you can’t ban people from talking to the sect heir’s spouse indefinitely. That’s just not sustainable.

As for the rules... banning people from running in the Cloud Recesses and demanding proper posture during lessons doesn’t suggest to me that they wouldn’t allow stimming? ‘No running’ at least is a common rule... most places. It’s distracting, and can be dangerous. And the rule about sitting properly doesn’t mean “Don’t move at all ever”; it means... well, “sit properly”. Don’t slouch or sprawl across the floor. I see no reason why that wouldn’t preclude means of stimming that wouldn’t be disruptive (and given this is in a classroom environment “not disruptive” is kind of important). I mean, those rules certainly don’t suggest that they’re any worse than other sects, and given this is the sect that has magic music for calming people’s minds if any sect would give allowances for neurodivergence it would be this one. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a song to put people to sleep, or medication that can help; this is a world with magic, after all, and if there’s a song that can put spirits to rest there are probably songs for human medicine and care. And of course there’s an element of conflicting needs; maybe the rules would screw you over, but frankly firmly enforced rules keeping people from running around or sprawling out of their seats would’ve been a godsend for me in school, given how much trouble I had focusing with people making noise around me. At the end of the day, is it guaranteed that the Lans would make allowances for people with needs that conflict with the Lan rules? No. But I’d argue it’s more likely that they would than any other sect. This is ahistorical fantasy ancient China, too; you can only expect so much in the mental health department. Still, a sect that literally invented magic music for calming the mind actually seems like the best choice for people with anxiety and such. There’s a reason why there are multiple fics that essentially set the Lans up as mental health experts in the setting!

Basically, a lot of your arguments seem to be issues that WWX would have in any sect. Unless he wanted to give up on the support of a sect altogether, they’re all things that he would have to work through or come to terms with. And of course... the most important point is that WWX is happy in the Lan sect. The extras make that clear. He has a home, duties that he enjoys performing, the love of his family and the support of his sect. He’s happy. I just... I do not understand why people keep feeling the need to try to make it angsty when the novel makes it clear that he genuinely enjoys his life in Gusu, and more than that that if he ever decided he didn’t enjoy it he could leave at any time. You have to remember that: if WWX wanted to leave... he would. He and LWJ would just go, and only come back occasionally so that LWJ could visit his home. Hell, LWJ would insist on leaving for WWX’s sake. So like... the Lan sect wouldn’t suit everyone, but WWX is quite content there and doesn’t want to leave. He’s happy and free to come and go as he wishes; there really isn’t anything to be concerned about there.

#mdzs #wei wuxian #anon #asks

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gatheringbones · 4 years ago

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oh my god bones based on your recent rb just yesterday a friend told me that for them personally, they didn't necessarily think community is important for healing, like community support was nice but for them they have to individually get over their problems and heal, other people aren’t going to do that for them

and i was so blown away by it bc from what ive read community is vital! i don't even know what to say or what to do or help im just so shocked by it

..... I mean good for your friend that they never needed or wanted to study testimonies and utilize recovery frameworks and re-contextualizations from other survivors in order to make sense of what happened and build a sustainable path towards continuing recovery in the future, I’m really happy for them, it sounds like they’ve got it all figured out and that their problems weren’t the kind that they needed any kind of insight or guidance on from any outside source.

..... I do wonder what they’re envisioning when they think of other people doing the healing “for” them, I wonder what they think that process looks like or how that’s possible, and whether or not they’ve made some key misassumptions about what role survivors and the community really play in recovery, and that makes me wonder about what others kinds of assumptions they’ve made.

Can someone get inside your head and grieve your grief for you, process and transform your shame for you, and diagram every step you need to make from here? Well, by and large, no, so your friend is right on that front; that would indeed be an unrealistic expectation to have.

(Can other people be near you and let the healing examples be evident in their lives? Can they offer what small insights they have that open various doors for you over a long period of time? Can they buy you a round of groceries or let you crash on their couch for a few days? Can they take a difficult phone call for you once in a while? Can they set up a table at the laundromat with free quarters for whoever needs to do laundry? Can they offer reduced mental health services for marginalized members of the community? Can they pressure the city to provide safe, well-insulated rooms with doors that lock and a mailing address to people who need them? Can they compile materials full of testimonials that obliterate shame and show pathways around maladaptive thought patterns and abusive traps? Can they just be the kind of person who doesn’t have a relationship with their parents and is still happy and healthy and full of hope? Can they sit with you and just breathe? Does any of that count?)

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fairycosmos · 4 years ago

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Sorry for bothering you angel but I have noone else to talk to.I really dont know what to do anymore. I'm so suicidal that I don't know how i'm still alive,how i'm able to breath it just doesn't feel right being alive.My mind keeps telling me to do something to end it all and I'm just numb.The worst thing is that even the closest person in my life doesn't know how bad it is bc i'm always the one to help them with their depression and im so drained.I'm just here to help other no matter how broken

hey love, i’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult time right now 😞 but you’re not bothering me at all, so don’t worry about that. firstly i really hope you’re currently in a safe environment and that you remain there, above all else. you were able to send this and reach out for some form of support even anonymously and that’s a really good sign. i’m proud of you for being here and for making it to this point, and i want to thank u for being so open with me because i know it’s not easy. secondly i really want to stress that you can’t believe anything your mind is telling you right now, seriously. one of the biggest illusions of mental illness is that it convinces you to think in black and white, to believe that everything negative is permanent and that there’s no way forward. but that’s never the case in reality. there is so much that can be done to change your habitual thinking patterns, your sense of self worth and just the general situation you’re in right now. in fact, change is inevitable if you stick around long enough to see it. it’s happening constantly, even when you don’t realise it. and so is healing and growth, even when you’re in pain too. it is entirely possible to recuperate, for happiness and peace to become a consistent theme in your future. yes, you. i know it’s probably impossible to believe in this moment but i hope you can still accept the sentiment anyway, because it’s true. and what’s more than that, you deserve it. you’re able to give your time and energy to others who are dealing with what you’re also dealing with, and that’s wonderful, but you are COMPLETELY worthy of receiving that same energy and love. i promise. if you need to take some time to focus on your own mental health rather than on those around you, then that’s perfectly fine and there’s no shame in that. it can be hard to internalize everyone else’s grief, and quite emotionally exhausting at times, so don’t let your mind make you feel bad for needing some space. it’s the most natural, human thing in the world. and i’m sure those that care for you want to hear what you’re going through too, i’m sure they want the chance to return the favour and to be there for you. you can give them that by opening up. no matter how hard it is to actually reach out, please please know that the option is always there and that you are never as alone as your mind wants you to believe. another tactic of depression is that it wants you to isolate yourself so you don’t feel the comfort of other people and their perspective, so the only thing you can believe is your own bad thoughts - but you CAN choose to subvert that urge, to talk to those around you about whats going on in your head. it’s okay. if not them, there are a lot of suicide/mental health hotlines available 24/7, and there’s also the option of talking to your doctor/a therapist/a support group to see if they can help you implement a treatment plan (if you haven’t done so already.) even if you have to force the words out, just tell them what you told me. it doesn’t have to make sense, you just have to let it out. sometimes mental illness is just as serious as physical illness and it needs real medical attention in order to overcome, and that’s alright. it’s something a lot of people go through, and it looks different for everyone. but just picking up the phone and making that appointment or talking to a loved one can make a massive difference. there is so much that can be done in terms of therapy - identifying the root causes of why you feel the way you do, giving you the tools to fight the episodes in a healthy way when they do arise - but at the end of it you CAN learn to live a happy and full life despite those days where you just want to give up. it’s a matter of time, finding the balance that suits you and getting through each day long enough to see the results of your progress.

i know it all feels like too much effort, and i’m not saying you have to do any of this right now. or that talking to someone will solve everything. and i’m very very familiar with that debilitating brand of numbness you’re describing - it makes everything genuinely feel beyond hopeless and so far away, it is so so heavy and i don’t blame you for being exhausted. but it’s also so possible for the feeling and the presence to return back to your life, one area at a time. i often think of it like my souls got pins and needles and i need to massage the numbness away with care and patience. you said you don’t know how you’re still alive - it’s because you’re supposed to be. it’s because some part of you, no matter how tired of all this shit you are, recognizes that there is a lot worth holding onto. even if your brain isn’t allowing you to see it in this moment. i hate to be cliche, but when it really comes down to it nothing would be the same without you. you exist and see this world through your unique perspective and love in your own specific way because you’re here. and no one else is you and that is more than good enough. there is so much waiting for you, man. recovery is possible in so many forms, and i’m not just saying that at all. i would fucking hate to think of you acting on your temporary emotions and only regretting it when it’s far too late to go back, and unfortunately i think that occurrence is very common in people who suffer through this sort of thing. as a person and as someone who has been given the chance to experience this world for a fraction of a moment in human history, i hope more than anything you can simply allow yourself to do that. and that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have bad days, or to hate this world sometimes because i absolutely do too. it can be hellish, and we have a right to be in pain. but that doesn’t mean we’re beyond hope and help. it doesn’t mean there aren’t a million different ways to make this all feel more manageable, one step at a time. some days getting through one minute at a time counts as a great victory, and you’ve done it a million times before. so please, if you feel like you’re in danger, please just call someone. don’t listen to your mind anymore, don’t feed into it. just get yourself to safety even if you have to act on autopilot. it’s going to be so worth it so much sooner than you think, im serious. you need some rest, maybe to practice some mindfulness and to focus your brain on some low energy positive coping mechanisms, and to let someone know how you’re doing if possible - all of this will allow you to stop spiraling inwards and start focusing on whats going on around you. i’ll leave a few links that may be of some service to you. please know that i care and that so many people do, that your life is so much more than this moment/what you’ve been through so far. if you need a friend or if you want to talk about this properly, please let me know. i’m here and i understand a lot of us do. sending so much, please stay safe above all else love. that’s all you gotta focus on right now x

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/suicidal.htm

https://www.healthquality.va.gov/guidelines/MH/srb/OvercomingSuicidalThoughtsandFeelingsFINAL.pdf

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/depression.htm

https://www.mind.org.uk/media-a/2960/suicidal-feelings-2016.pdf

#tw suicide #tw self harm #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #anon

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plantedwrites · 5 years ago

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Hiya! I have a bit of a self-indulgent request and I hope it's ok! I'd kinda like something for how Bede and Piers handle an s/o who's struggles with depression--they still get up and go about their day and make an effort to fight it because they don't wanna worry their bf too much, but it's pretty clear that they're exhausted physically and emotionally.

Battling Monsters

I just wanted to quickly talk about depression and mental illnesses real quick. It is ok to see a therapist about your mental illness. It is ok if you have one, it doesn’t make you any less of a person and it certainly doesn’t make you broken. You are very brave to fight to save your mind from whatever illness plagues it. I support you. If you ever need to talk about anything, and I mean anything, you can come talk to me anytime. Here are some resources I recommend as well-

National suicide prevention helpline- 1-800-273-8255

National suicide prevention

Canadian suicide prevention service

If I got something wrong or I said something I shouldn’t have, please reach out so I can quickly correct it.

Character- Bede and Piers

Type- Fluff with a bit of angst

Word count- 602

Warnings- Depression is talked about throughout this piece

Bede

Bede didn't notice right away that you weren't yourself. That's not to say that he's unattentive, he was busy, and sometimes you hid your symptoms well.

After a while, he started to pick up on little signs that you weren't well

You had bags under your eyes from not getting any proper sleep, your skin began to lose its healthy colour, and your eyes never shinned as bright as they once did

Yet every day you got up, went about your day smiling and laughing with your friends. Fighting the demons that lurked within your mind

Bede was baffled, to say the least, he was worried about you, worried about your mind and body

One day Bede sat you down in a space he found you felt the most comfortable in and asked whether you were ok

When you finally told him about the monsters you battled in your head he was quiet, letting you tell him everything you felt comfortable sharing

when you finished speaking, he pulled you into a tight loving hug, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, telling you how proud he is of you for talking to him about your depression

Still holding you close, Bede asked what he could do to help you fight your depression or if there was ever anything he did that made it worse

He wanted to help you every way he possibly could. You're the love of his life and he wants nothing more than for you to be happy and safe

To live the life you choose to live without demons and monsters wreaking havoc on your beautiful mind

After that day, Bede watched you day after day, standing up for yourself and conquering your monsters

Bede has truly never been more proud of you and he makes sure to tell you each and every day that he loves you and is so, so, proud

Piers

After raising his little sister Marnie, Piers is more intuned with noticing aspects of peoples health

It's like his sixth sense. Don't ask him how he always knows when somethings wrong because he doesn't even really know himself

When you start acting differently; quieter, fewer smiles, fewer laughs, overall not your usual self, Piers is quick to figure out what's wrong

He's had his own demons for a while, so he recognizes some similar physical tells that you portray, such as; dull eyes and hair, small appetite, and colourless skin

Once he's able to figure out what's wrong, he tries to give you some space to tell him on his own. If you still haven't, he sits you down to talk

He'll listen to everything you have to say, quietly making a note in his mind about the most important details he has to remember

One thing Piers want's to make very clear is that he's here for you, he's not going anywhere's, and he is going to help you in every way he can

If you decide that going to visit a therapist is what you need to do, he one hundred percent supports you!

If you want him to come with you to your appointments, he's there. If you'd rather go alone, he respects your decision and doesn't pry

Piers has been keeping an eye on you ever since he figured out about your depression, and he's so very proud of you and how you bravely fight to regain control of your mind

You've even inspired him to start speaking to a therapist about his own demons

Together, you can help each other fight your own monsters, and together you'll both succeed.

#pokemon #pokemon imagines #pokemon x reader #pokemon shield #pokemon sword #pokemon sword and shield #bede #pokemon bede #bede x reader #bede imagines #piers #pokemon piers #piers x reader #piers imagines #depression

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yourmomwatchesskam · 5 years ago

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This is hilarious. TharnType and Effect are NOT for teenagers! They have stereotypes that are DANGEROUS for lgbt+ community! I don't know much about both this series but for example tharntype this is serie where not gay man was raped and then he's living with gay man in one room and they started war. And you know what this gay roommate do? He kissed him when he was drunk and touched him. And this is only beginning (i don't know what next and i don't wanna know). You can watch it but be aware

I’m thinking that we have pretty different definitions of ‘hilarious.’

CW/TW (sexual assault)

My teen group consists of 16-19 y/o, which the u18 y/o need permission slips from their parents for anything rated M.

With that being said, the common theme in both of these series is sexual assault. There is absolutely nothing hilarious about censoring this information from teenage viewers (which are the majority of their viewers) especially LGBT+ youth.

We watched The Effect & had some very important discussions following the series.. Discussions we wouldn’t have had without watching it.

The LGBT+ Community is already full of stereotypes, & it’s important that young people are aware of them.. whether they are participating in that behavior, witnessing it from others, or experiencing it themselves. Awareness is key, & by shielding them from the harsh realities that exist, doesn’t make it go magically away.

It’s long, but here’s the article I just published about it: (TRIGGER WARNING)

How Culture Crosses Over in International LGBT+ Films

*trigger warning/content warning

I facilitate a LGBT+ Support Group for teens, parents, & teachers integrating the use of film & media to focus on current & relevant topics that youth are facing in today’s society. Society variables change across cultures in how they affect LGBT people, but there are a few major things that don’t get lost in translation. So when the teen group asked that we watch & discuss these international shows, I agreed.

In the United States, the suicide rate for boys & girls remains the same until 10 years old, but after that, the suicide rate doubled for 10–14 year old boys. At 15–19, they’re 4 times more likely to die by suicide & 5 times more likely by age 20–25. (Although, the highest rate for men is middle-age.) Also in the United States, at least 1 in 6 boys under 18 years old are victims of sexual assault or rape.

I don’t know Thailand’s stats, & I’m not going to attempt to speak on behalf of their culture when it comes to such sensitive subjects, but this is a prime example of when LGBT films around the world, & across many different cultures, provides accurate & relatable representation for a large variety of different audiences. With stats like these, if you haven’t experienced something like this yourself, chances are you know someone that has.

These are the significantly complex, yet very necessary conversations we need to be having. Especially on behalf of those who are unable to have them because they’re too afraid or ashamed to. From what I know, the themes of these shows are unlike a lot of other plots that these drama series normally have- which is why so many people (that haven’t read the novels) have been surprised by them. There are, however, many people & reviews showing support for highlighting such issues. The thing is, people know all too well that these issues exist. That’s why some people watch shows like this to begin with, because it provides an escape from the everyday world. But, no matter how true that may be, it’s also important to make room for the other side of LGBT experiences & allow them to be brought to attention as well.

The Effect was a prime example of:

Kind behavior getting misinterpreted as flirting.

“Flirting” getting misinterpreted as consent for sex.

Sex being rejected but still getting disregarded.

Rape, followed by victim-blaming & shaming because “they were the one that started it.”

Followed by fear, shame, guilt, obligation, confusion, regret, a decline in mental health in some cases & at worst, the inability to feel safe within one’s own mind/body, that the only option believed to be available for escape from the inevitable pain, is death.

It’s important to note that we weren’t told the sexual orientation of the main character in The Effect. & I think this highlights the prominent question of, “Does it matter?” Because what we absolutely do know is that he said no.

There is a quote from a scene in CMBYN where Mrs. Pearlman is reading an excerpt from a book with the quote, “Is it better to speak or to die?” & although it sounds fictitious in nature, the truth behind that is people believe some things are best left unsaid when it comes to their own irreconcilable feelings. In some cases, that can be helpful. But, in other cases, it can be harmful. Men are taught to be strong, to not appear weak, to toughen up, to put yourself last, to let bygones be bygones, to not show emotion (aside from anger), & to not talk about uncomfortable things to help prevent others from feeling uncomfortable as well. As a result, what’s also taught is to quickly move past those feelings, but what happens to those that can’t?

How are people supposed to move past pain that they’re not allowed to have, but are forced to keep? That’s not strength, that’s suppression.

Depending on culture & other circumstances, mental health therapy might not even be (considered) an option. Depending on the individual, there might not be any reporting of the crime, as we saw on The Effect. Many cases don’t ever get reported, & some that do, an arrest is never made. This is something every country can relate to, but not everyone country is talking about. & with the stigma attached to it with the way that trauma affects the mind & the body, who could blame anyone for not wanting to draw even more attention to their experience by bringing it in the spotlight?

If you’re also watching the show TharnType, you know that we get direct insight into a person’s trauma response, as well as what can sometimes happen as a result of when it does get reported. Not that anyone’s trying to condone Type’s homophobia & his personal struggle with his own sexuality, but if we are to condemn it, at least we understand it. We know a few things: Type being attracted to Tharn is not a result of the childhood assault that occurred. Just because Type is attracted to Tharn doesn’t have to necessarily mean he’s exclusively gay (although he very well could be). & if he were gay, it doesn’t make him an offender. (Even though a lot of society tends to think this way.) There is a common misconception that all gay/bi men are pedophiles & rapists, often stemming from men who have been the victims of abuse/rape as children, to older predatory men. Sex offenders exist within all categories of: age, race, class, nationality, religion, sexuality, profession, income, political party etc.. nothing is exempt.

We need to be able to communicate clearly that sexual abuse/rape is not a sexual orientation. & that suicide does not only affect people with mental illness.

These are both emotionally involved/intense shows with such deeper meaning, that are definitely worth the watch. If you are sensitive to these topics than proceed with caution for The Effect because it is very graphic. However, with such prevalent topics, they are necessary conversations to have that we can no longer afford to avoid.

*To watch The Effect with English subs: https://tv.line.me/embed/10372516

*To watch TharnType with English subs: https://tv.line.me/embed/10255603

If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Or The Trevor Lifeline at 1–866–488–7386 or via text by texting START to 678678

If you were the victim of sexual abuse/assault & are seeking support: 1in6.org

#the effect the series #tharntype

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scripttorture · 5 years ago

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H! Do you know of any survivor accounts that focus on recovery? A big part of the story I'm writing happens after the main character is rescued from torture, and I want to make sure I don't downplay the effect it had on him and portray his recovery realistically. I'm mainly interested in a timeframe for reintegration/being able to go back to a "normal" life. If it's relevant, he is imprisoned and tortured (mostly beatings, stress positions, starvation and sleep deprivation) for about a month.

I’m sorry this one took so long. My best guess (and it is a guess) is somewhere in the range of 3-10 years. The rest of the answer goes into my reasoning, factors that typically effect recovery and things I’ve found helpful when I’m trying to write this sort of plot.

From the sounds of it I think the most useful thing would be someone’s diary, but I don’t think there is actually a published diary covering the period immediately after a survivor was released for months and years afterwards.

Survivor’s accounts often talk about recovery but- the thing is that isn’t usually why they make their experiences public so that often doesn’t end up being the focus.

Alleg talks about recovery but his aim in publishing his memoirs was demanding the French authorities stopped torturing people in Algeria. Similarly people like ‘Donny the Punk’ Donaldson and Nadia Murad Basee Taha talked about their experiences to highlight abuses that were taking place on a wide scale.

And that is often the reason people make their experiences public: to raise awareness, to draw attention, to demand change.

By its nature that kind of discussion tends to make recovery secondary.

It’s also worth noting that most survivors write about what happened to them a significant period of time after it actually happened. I believe there are some Inquisition era diaries that recount the period a victim was held for, but they’re rare and I think most of the authors were killed.

Monroe is interested in recovery but it’s recovery in a rather broader sense. It’s less about what people can do when and instead about the more nebulous idea of holding on to humanity and being able to have faith in other people. Her focus is war but this isn’t the sole focus of the book.

I do recommend her book, A Darkling Plain, generally. It’s most constructed of interviews her students took. Their instructions were to find someone who had lived through- Monroe calls it ‘political upheaval��, which sounds like a euphemism when she goes on to list war, genocide, violent revolution and oppressive regimes as her examples. The students were taught Institutional Review Board procedures and interviewed a survivor about their experience.

One of the things I think is… enlightening about the approach is that emphasises how close we all are to survivors. We all know someone even if we don’t know the details of what they lived through. I think it’s easy to forget that sometimes.

The interviews are very much led by the survivors. They’re generally looking back on experiences that happened years or decades ago. They go into how an experience changed the survivor, how it effected their outlook on life and whether/how they moved on.

I believe you’d find it helpful but I don’t think it necessarily answers the more precise questions that effect writing. When someone could return to a job, when someone might be ready for a relationship, how they’d interact in the community.

Based on modern accounts of the living conditions survivors find themselves in- I think the question of when people can comfortably do things is difficult because survivors are often put in a position where they’re either forced to do something before they’re comfortable with it or they’re actively prevented from doing it when they want to.

Let me try to explain that with an example. A lot of survivors now are in refugee camps. A person’s ability to find work will vary depending on the camp, the country and the individual’s legal status.

In some situations people in the camps are given very little support. In which case if the survivor doesn’t find some kind of work they might end up starving. In other situations a survivor’s immigration status might mean it’s illegal for them to work. Earning a wage can also be used as a reason to cut charitable or governmental support. Which can be a problem if the survivor is only capable of working occasionally and needs a steady source of income to keep them alive between the periods where they can work.

The environment these people are in can force them into work when it isn’t healthy for them or it can prevent them from working when having a job would help.

Environmental factors like these can obscure individual choice.

Generally I’d encourage you to think about environmental factors and how they could effect the character’s recovery. Survivor’s still have bills to pay and they might be surrounded by people who think working or going back to a mainstream school/university would be ‘good for them’.

Taking away environmental pressures there’s still a question of the character’s drive and motivation. A lot of people want to go back to doing things that are important to them. They want to recapture a sense of normality.

A character who feels very strongly about their job and is highly dedicated is more likely to be back at work quickly whether that is healthy for them or not. A medic who has built their identity around helping others is much more likely to be back at work after three months then someone who doesn’t identify with their job.

This does not necessarily mean the medic would be doing a good job or should be back at work. People do have a tendency to throw themselves back into tasks they identify strongly with.

With work there’s also, potentially, an aspect of physical recovery to consider. A character who has survived a suspension torture, with the resulting nerve damage, may not be able to go back to being a pianist. At least not without a considerable period of time adapting to their disability.

Even if a character is still able to do their job without adaptions and feels strongly about it they probably won’t be up to handling much stress or their previous workload. This does not necessarily stop people from trying.

Whether a character identifies strongly with their job or not they might feel they ‘should’ be doing some form of work. And work has the potential to be extremely helpful during a mental health crisis. It can provide routine, a reason to get up when that feels impossible. A point of stability and a place of relative safety.

Of course the flip side is it can also become a huge source of additional stress and pressure. Which it is depends on the job, the survivor, the working environment, the support (or not) of colleagues and the adaptions in place to support the survivor.

Reintegrating into the community is also complicated by factors that have very little to do with the survivor character or their symptoms.

A lot of communities reject survivors. Child soldiers and victims of rape (especially if it resulted in pregnancy) are often portrayed as traitors who have taken the ‘side’ of their abuser.

This can apply to torture survivors too. If the dominant culture sees torture as a way of obtaining accurate information (this isn’t possible) then the assumption is often that the survivor must have ‘betrayed’ the community. People also tend to assume that if someone was arrested or otherwise targetted for torture they must have been guilty of something.

If the survivor was subjected to ‘clean’ (non-scarring) tortures then- well then people usually assume that the survivor is lying and they weren’t tortured. From the sounds of things all the tortures your character survives are clean.

These factors often work in tandem and make it impossible for survivors to feel welcome in their community. That isolation and lack of support has a huge negative effect on recovery. And because it’s so rare that survivors don’t have to deal with these additional stressors it’s difficult to estimate what recovery looks like without them.

Anecdotally a lot of survivors report that support from their families and from religious institutions was incredibly important to them.

I feel like a lot of this comes down to what a ‘normal’ life means.

Because life for this character probably wouldn’t be quite like it was before. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t look normal.

Perhaps he wouldn’t be able to cope with the stress, pressure or uncertainty of his previous job. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t work. Perhaps he’d struggle to do things he previously enjoyed, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t find other hobbies.

I’m sorry that I can’t provide an accurate, statistically supported timeframe. I hope that I can describe a helpful way of approaching the problem as a writer-

It’s unlikely that the character will be able to fix everything at once. He might be able to get a ‘normal’ working routine before he has a ‘normal’ social life, for instance. Or vice versa. I’d suggest splitting up the different aspects of his life that have been effected and thinking about them separately.

You can categorise things in a way that makes the most sense for you. I’m outlining the way I would do it as an example, but if my categories don’t make sense for your story then add or remove things as you see fit.

I’d split it up into: Work, Social life, Family life, Romantic/Sexual relationships (if applicable), Communal life and Ritual (ie engagement with wider cultural activities, such as religious services, may pole dancing, getting pissed at the solstice or anything else that’s a big event).

I’d try to think about them separately and think about which area is the biggest priority for the character. I’m assuming ‘work’ comes first for the rest of the example because survivors still have bills to pay. I’m also assuming the character has enough support and stability to recover at his own pace; that the environment isn’t pressured and his environment isn’t adversely effecting his recovery.

So I would start with the symptoms and the way they manifest.

If he has anxiety or hypervigilance, what kind of situations set that off? For instance if his symptoms are triggered by crowds and loud noises then he might not be able to work in a popular night club any more.

If his ideas of ‘normal’ and his goals revolve around doing that particular job again then his recovery and returning to work would take longer. It could take several years. If his personality/experience means his goals are more flexible then he might be able to find another career that provides a less triggering environment and includes something he liked about his previous job. In that case he might be working regularly again in six months or so. Possibly less.

That could then provide enough stability/routine to let him find a balance in other areas of his life.

If he has insomnia then trying to fit his life into a regular 9-5 schedule might be more stressful then it’s worth. Finding work that lets him be flexible about when he comes in, working from home or part time or free lance- could mean a speedier return to something like ‘normal’.

Once I have some ideas about one aspect I’d take a look at the others and the wider plot. I’d think about whether there’s anything going on in the other categories, the plot or with the other characters that could impact on the survivor’s recovery.

When I’m looking across the different categories I’m also on the look out for ways I can use them to feed back into the plot.

So, if I stick with the night club example, perhaps this character has now started a job at a recording studio because this lets him indulge a passion for music with less crowds. And may be I can use that change in environment to introduce him to other characters. May be Drama at the night club is still effecting him through his social circle. May be working somewhere different means he’s unaware of the Drama and that aspect of the plot is going to take him by surprise.

Stress from the different categories will feed into how he’s doing overall and so will positive things like stability and support. Some of the aspects of the character’s life are likely to look ‘normal’ before others.

My best guess for reasonable time frames based on what I’ve read is something in the region of 3-10 years. But that’s taking everything into account across all those categories.

In the best possible circumstances your character could have one aspect of his life looking normal within a year, possibly even as short a time frame as six months. But that assumes an unusual level of support, financial independence, access to treatment and- the internal flexibility to accept a normal that’s distinct to their pre-torture experience. Which could mean a different job, or a different way of socialising or a different degree of engagement with the community.

Generally- there’s a lot lacking in the environment survivors find themselves in. There’s lack of support from family, friends and wider community, if not outright rejection. There’s a lack of accessible, specialist medical care. There’s a lack of safe housing and financial support.

My impression is that a period of years is closer to reality for most people. But we’re talking about fiction and you can choose to make your world better then the one we inhabit.

This kind of recovery isn’t linear. People do backtrack. Even people who are ‘better’ have bad days. Mostly- it’s about showing slow improvement over time and how frustrating slow improvement can be from the inside.

I hope that helps. :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

#realkevinday #tw torture #writing victims #writing recovery #mental health #disability #recovery times #factors that help victims #factors that can make symptoms worse

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selphiahaven · 5 years ago

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I want to help a young woman. She is depressed and anxious. And her health is not so good. I don't know how to explain the seriousness of the situation to her. Without sounding like a game sire. I would do anything for her. Only I have the feeling that she doesn't want my help. :-(

I’ll try and answer as best as I can under the cut (It’s not a super triggering discussion, it’s just long because there’s so many possibilities that may and may not help).

But, an important footnote to know is that, even though I was initially going to school to become a counsellor, I am not a professional in any form of the word. I have an interest in this field, and have ideas on some starting steps, but keep in mind that it might be more useful to approach a local professional. Or, at least, asking around for what resources exist in your area. I know that there are a few tumblr posts going around that talk about the world suicide hotlines— Here’s one of them. I’m not entirely certain if all the numbers listed are correct, but that might be another place to start.

So to begin, let’s start by saying that every person experiences depression and anxiety differently. What may motivate one person may damage another person. In order to discuss depression and anxiety, you have to allow yourself to be wrong. You have to be okay with the idea that, no, you will never entirely know what is best for this person in front of you, and that’s okay! This is their life, and they are allowed to make their own choices, even if you believe that they might get help elsewhere. For example: If you believe therapy is more helpful, but the person of interest would prefer antidepressants, then that’s totally alright! That’s the option they want to approach, and while you are allowed to discuss with them the pros and cons of each option, you should never be forcing your view onto them.

A general rule I like to live by is to avoid giving advice entirely. This, of course, isn’t possible 100% of the time, but it’s a good rule of thumb to avoid saying: “You should go to therapy.” when a better alternative might be: “Have you considered going to therapy?” Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Be open in asking why they have been avoiding treatments that may help them. Some people may have trauma regarding bad counsellors or side effects of drugs, so them saying “No.” when you try and recommend these options is entirely warranted! You can always suggest options though: “I have heard therapy helps some people, would you be open for looking into that?” Put various options on the table in a non-threatening manner. It’s also a good idea to keep your own biases quiet when discussing someone else’s paths for treatment. Just because you didn’t have a good experience with support groups doesn’t mean you should throw out those options before discussing them with the person in question. You are allowed to explain your hesitancy in using them: “I tried them, and these were some of the downsides…” but do not immediately shut these down as options unless the person of interest says no to them. Keep as many doors open as possible.

If you decide to talk about what others are going through, then they should be the one talking more than you are talking. This does depend on personality factors, but if someone is talking to you about their emotions, you should avoid unloading your own baggage onto them. If someone says “I’m feeling depressed.” and you go off saying “Oh, I know, I’ve been so stressed because of…” then you may be shutting down this person’s motivation to talk (Again, everyone is different, and some people may feel more comfortable knowing that someone else is going through what they are going through). Keep the focus on the other person. Be curious about them. Explore their feelings, thoughts, and motivations. If you do talk about yourself, keep it brief and relevant. Some people just want someone to listen to them, and you might be doing a world of difference just talking to someone rather than throwing a bunch of phone numbers for counsellors and doctors in their face.

An important note to add is that not everyone will want to talk about their situation and what they are going through. If people straight up do not want to talk to you, then it’s likely to be damaging if you try and force yourself on them. For instance, you might be part of the problem, and that’s okay. You doing your best might not be enough, and that’s okay. Keep in mind: this isn’t supposed to be about you, this is supposed to be about the person in need. In these situations, you might want to just mention that you are going to be around to talk if/when they need someone to talk to, and then offer the option of someone else to talk to as well. Offer the suicide hotline, or maybe other mental health groups and services that they might want to reach out to without your help. Do not always assume people need your help. Offer your help at any time, but if they reject it, be prepared to step away while still keeping the door open that you can and will talk with them if they need it in the future.

If you need help talking with people about depression, it might be useful to just scroll around and see what you can find on the internet (or, ideally, some local and reliable sources) about what to say to someone with depression. Everyone is going to have a different vocabulary when speaking about serious topics, and you should explore what you might say in certain situations early. Explore what feels natural to you. For example, I use a lot of empathy, paraphrasing, and probing when I talk with people about these topics. Probing is when you ask for more information, and it can be as simple as “Can you tell me more about that?” to “I heard last week that you went to see a therapist, how did that go?” Try and keep probes non-confrontational, and open-ended (Such as, using words like who, what, where, when, why, and how). Paraphrasing is when you repeat what the other person has said, but in your own words. It’s a way to make sure you’re following in the same way they are telling their story. If someone says “I’m looking for a job, but everything seems to be closing me off; even my friends and family.” you might reply with something like: “Yeah, and so searching for this new job is reminding you of other people who have closed you off.” Empathy is where you look at the core emotions behind a person’s words. Put an emotional label to what they are saying. When someone says “I have been getting terrible grades in school,” something you could reply is “It sounds like you’re discouraged about these grades.” KEEP IN MIND: It’s okay to be wrong! If the other person says: “No, I’m actually frustrated, because I worked really hard and I think the teacher hates me,” then roll with it. Accept it. If the other person rejects how you explained he situation when you paraphrased, roll with it. Ask where it is that you messed up. Try and word it in a different way. There’s no set tactic as to when you use empathy, paraphrasing, and probing at what times. It’s kind of intuition and trial-and-error. Some people are just natural talkative with one line of empathy, whereas others need a diverse range of tactics to actually open up…and that’s okay!

You might feel this way of talking is kind of wooden and unnatural, and it does take some practice to get used to. Keep in mind: Everyone responds to different things differently. If someone is swearing and yelling about how shitty life is, it might not be the best approach to go: “You sound really frustrated right now.” Who knows, it might be better to match their anger with a “Life fucking sucks.” The main point is that, through talking, the main focus is to try and understand what people are going through. For some people, they might want someone to understand their complex emotions. For others, they just want people to listen. Unfortunately, mental health is a complex issue that has no definitive answers.

Long story short, everything really depends on the situation. There is no one-size-fits-all motivational speech that will get everyone out of bed and ready to take on the world in all its horrors. This world is a big bag of shit sometimes, but different people will see different parts of its ugly surface. In the same vein though, different people will see the beauty in different opportunities that simultaneously exist in this life. Dealing with depression might be a serious topic to discuss, but it’s also important that, after you have explored the ugly parts of it, you also take the time to explore what has kept this person going for so long. What has motivated them even though their darkest moments? Some people may not have answers to this question, but some people might. And, really, in order to fully explore someone, one should not only focus on the good or the bad, but a decent mix of both.

**Footnote to repeat that I am not a professional in any sort and these are all just suggestions that MIGHT help. Please continue doing your own research on topics of depression if you decide to take any of this advice.

#Admin talk #asks

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mental-health-advice · 4 years ago

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Hello, I'm a college student and my career has taken a great, negative toll on my mental health. I get desperate cause I'm not good enough (as told by teachers) even tho I work my ass off. I'm always trying to improve myself, doing what I love, but I can't anymore. Criticism is always hitting me right in the face and I'm afraid of failing courses at this point (I'm graduating next year). I can't take it anymore and I envy my friends when they do a great job cause I'm also not as talented as them. I feel like I don't have strength to keep going forward...

I know grades do not define your worth, but damn. I just wish some praise, I just wish to excel at what I do. But I always find myself between wrong answers only. I'm shattered.

Hey there,

Being a college student can be so hard and difficult and especially when it is starting to affect your mental health in a negative way.

Despite working your butt off it sounds as though you are really struggling and finding things tough in regards to your work and study. I do not believe it’s because you are not ‘good enough’ though but that you are struggling with the workload because you are already feeling so overwhelmed and depressed and it’s impacted on you from your already poor mental health. Just a thought!

Getting any kind of criticism can be hard to take, have you tried to talk to your teachers about this. Perhaps letting them know how it makes you feel them saying you aren’t good enough or that you aren’t trying hard enough then they could instead focus on what you are doing well and can help you to improve in the areas you are struggling with. How would you feel about doing this?

You are spot on in saying that grades don’t define you or your worth and it’s OK to be wanting some praise in your work on what you do well, but unless you let your teachers know this then they can’t adjust how they interact with you or what they say.

I know it’s hard but try to keep persisting in your studies and especially if you are doing what you love and enjoy and have the passion for it. And if for some reason you do not get the grades you are needing, then this is completely OK. Maybe you can do something similar that you still like and enjoy? A good example is of my older sister. She was so set on being a paramedic but unfortunately did not get the grades required to get into the university course, in fact she didn’t get the grades to get into any courses at uni. She is now happily still helping people but in a call centre for emergency services. This is a great example to share because it’s OK to slightly change what you do in life. Remember your own words, grades do not define you and it doesn’t mean you won’t find something you love and enjoy to do in the future.

I’m thinking of you and hope that you’re doing OK! Please do also let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #college student #poor mental health #not feeling good enough #criticism

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lovenotesuggestions · 5 years ago

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Hello! So I've got a problem with like, my thought process I guess you could say. I think it's because of my mom, but honestly I don't really know. I get paranoid really easily over the smallest to the most overly drastic and dramatic things. For example, my girlfriend likes to drink alcohol, and while my morals are against alcohol, I'd never stop her from drinking, and she likes to go with her best friend maybe 2-3 times a month (🍥 part 1)

And while I know that's not an amount that could do extreme damage to her body, I'm always terrified of something going wrong. And another example would be like, I could make a minor mistake, and I'll be terrified that I've angered or upset my girlfriend, and I would sometimes refuse to stop talking about a problem until it's resolved in fear that I would lose her before I can and the last thing we do together is argue (like in super dramatic movies) (🍥 part 2)

I know it's EXTREMELY toxic of me, and is very self-destructive. And I know it's a combination of my anxiety, insecurity, and paranoia. Heck, I don't even think it's my mom's fault. She used to tell me smaller things, like I needed to stop eating rice or else I could get diabetes (it runs in the family) but I think the small things like that built up, along with dramatic movies that always tugged at my emotions, that made me paranoid. (🍥 part 3)

Anyway, I kind of got off topic giving you some bg info. What I wanted to ask is, what advice would you recommend to stop or at least lessen such a terrible thought process? Therapy isn't an option for me, so I was hoping you'd have another possibility for me. I probably sound super crazy and unstable, but honestly this stuff doesn't affect me too often. It just fluctuates every now and then. But I'd appreciate the advice. Thank you listening to my craziness! (🍥 part 4/4)

Hello! I sent an ask a couple days ago that consisted of 4 parts, and a 🍥 emoji, and I didn't realize that it was claimed already! So I was wondering if I were able to claim 🍓💕? Thanks so much for what you do!

You don’t sound crazy or unstable, and you don’t sound like a toxic person - you sound like a person with symptoms of anxiety. And whilst it’s good to recognise when your behaviours might be harmful to yourself and to others, it’s not helpful to anyone for you to beat yourself up and be self-deprecating. You’re not crazy - you’re experiencing symptoms. I think that’s the first thing worth trying to do: be more aware of the language you use to describe yourself and try and adjust it to be a little more fair and a little kinder to yourself. If you wouldn’t talk about a close friend that way, try not to talk about yourself that way.

I always recommend seeking medical help if you’re able to - I appreciate that therapy isn’t an option, but if you’re able to see your GP that might at least give you some support. For example, if your doctor has a record that you’ve been having these difficulties, it can be easier to get support in things like getting a sick note or extenuating circumstances or additional accommodations if you need something like that for school/work etc. You could also potentially access medication even if therapy isn’t an option. There are a bunch of effective anti-anxiety meds on the market that you might find helpful if you’re able to access them. For instance, I’m on beta blockers that I take as and when I need them if I’m feeling particularly anxious, and they can reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety (like trembling/fast heart rate/feeling nauseous, etc.) which can make anxiety spikes a little easier to cope with. If this or any other type of anxiety medication is of interest to you, and you have the means to visit your family doctor to talk to them about it, that’s another potential treatment option if you can’t access therapy.

Another thing worth trying is to attempt to keep track of your triggers. There are a lot of really great mood tracking apps (I use Daylio personally) that you can use to identify how you’ve been feeling on a particular day, and what you did. Being mindful of what you’re doing and how it’s making you feel, and examining if you can identify a cause of your anxiety spikes can be really helpful in the long run, because it helps you identify behaviours that make your anxiety better or worse, and allows you to change the way you act and avoid any triggers you identify. Similarly, you can also identify coping mechanisms you’ve tried, and examine whether they’re healthy or unhealthy, and how effective they are.

Also I know this is really cliché, but some super accessible things that a lot of people do to cope with anxiety are things like mindfulness, meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises. Stuff like full-body mind scans and progressive muscle relaxation are really easy to do, and there are dozens of apps and youtube videos and stuff out there that can guide you through exercises that you can use if you’re feeling particularly paranoid, and they can help to calm your physical symptoms and sort of reset your thought practice. Of course they don’t work for everyone, and they aren’t a cure, but they can be a really helpful coping mechanism.

If you’re not able to access therapy in person, there are still a lot of resources you can use. If cost is a factor, there are a lot of lower-cost online therapy options, as well as free support services like online counselling (i.e. 7cupsoftea) and anxiety helplines/hotlines that allow you to speak to an adviser over the phone or via instant messenger, which might be helpful if you find yourself particularly panicky and need someone to talk you down.

As well as that, there are a lot of online resources to help you cope longer term. Mental health charity websites can often be a good place to start looking to research potential treatment options and coping mechanisms. A lot of CBT worksheets are available online for you to work through by yourself - even if you don’t have a therapist to go through them with, you can still do those exercises. If you google something like ‘CBT anxiety workbook’ or ‘CBT anxiety exercises’ you should come up with a ton of resources that you can flick through and see if you can identify any that you think might be helpful. Stuff like making a table to record details of your anxiety spikes can be really helpful (these usually involve details such as: when it happened, what was happening at the time, why you think it happened, how bad was your anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10, what actions did you take to try and calm those feelings, how effective were those actions, how bad was your anxiety on the same scale after taking those actions) in terms of identifying patterns in your behaviour, and what helps and what makes it worse. The physical act of writing everything down makes you more aware of and more likely to examine your own thought processes and behavioural patterns, and also allows you to identify patterns you may not have seen before. Another CBT exercise I’ve read about that can help with feelings of anxiety in the moment is a likelihood exercise - asking yourself what your anxiety/paranoia thinks will happen, estimating how many times you’ve thought that would happen, thinking about how many times it’s actually happened in reality, and comparing that, can help you rationalise those fears.

Other similar techniques include:

Doing some sort of vigorous activity to clear the anxiety from your body - short periods of exercise, house/yard work like vacuuming, turning up some loud music and having a dance

Making a list of soothing activities (i.e. having a hot drink, taking a shower, washing your face, wrapping yourself up in a blanket, etc.) and picking one when you’re feeling shaky to help self-soothe

Trying to get some mental distance from your worries by finding something else to focus on to interrupt those spirals - try and make it something productive and/or enjoyable. Doing something productive, even if it’s really simple like gathering up dirty laundry, gives you a task to focus on and can help you feel like you’ve accomplished something.

Setting aside daily ‘worry clearing time,’ in which you write down the things you’re worried about. If these worries arise outside of that time, try to tell yourself ‘I’ll worry about that later, but not now.’

In combination with the above, you can make an action plan of what you would do if any of your worries happen, so you feel more secure and prepared.

Some people find it helpful when they’re identifying their worries because they can them see the ones that they have no control over, or that aren’t actually that big a deal, and decide to set them aside and prioritise other things.

Try not to avoid your anxiety, or the things you don’t want to do because of it. Acknowledging it as something that you’re experiencing but that is separate from yourself - a external entity or force inside your head, can be helpful. When you start to feel anxious, some people actually address their anxiety and talk to it like it’s a person - this can help to separate it from your own personality and help you forgive yourself for being symptomatic.

Research unhealthy coping mechanisms so you can identify them. Things like over-reassurance (asking for a bit of reassurance from a friend/family member/partner is fine, but if you’re doing it all the time or need to repeat themselves because you don’t believe them at first), stress eating, avoidance, and substance use are some common ones.

I’ll slap a big caveat on this and point out that I’m not a therapist or a medical professional, so take all of this with a pinch of salt and make sure to do your own research - I’m just passing along things I’ve read/heard from others.

I hope that’s helpful, and I wish you all the best in your road to recovery 💕

Followers: if anyone else has any tips for this anon or experience you’d like to share, feel free to do so!

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