#does that factor into this whole shitshow?

[sofia-not-sophie]

Help I’m thinking too hard about the unexplored world building implications of the seven kisses lead to pregnancy in a world where there seems to be/have been a patriarchy and also somehow it works interspecially despite humans and akiridions having entirely different modes of existence/bodily function

[artificiallita]

i got bit by the butch wolverine bug and trust me im in lov w her BUT have we considered futch deadpool???

(headcanons and upcoming fic snippets under the cut)

working on a big silly fanfic about this hot mess boinking logan in the odyssey. here’s some headcanons while the story finishes cooking.

- so. kept her first name as wade. i’ve seen a few alt names floating around for f!deadpool (big love for the winnies, winonas, and wandas of the ladypool extended universe) but genderfuck ‘not rlly a name’ just fits my vision for her. her parents were weird idk.

- deadpool is a woman in all variants except one in my personal headcanon. he is called dudepool. also her corresponding nicepool is male gaze-ified pre-mutation wade. she’s bleach blonde and her suit has a titty window.

- ex special forces turned mercenary whose life shit the bed when she was diagnosed with cancer. tried to be proactive about it long enough to get a mastectomy, then found out said cancer was pretty much everywhere else, and we know the story from there. since this predates her healing factor, she’s permanently single-boobed. has padding in her suit to even her out since it doesn’t leave a whole lot to the imagination, wears big t-shirts and ignores it in her civilian life.

- bisexual disaster zone. spent many years in a very happy and deeply perverted relationship with a male stripper named van carlysle, until that went down the toilet. a solid 70% of the casual sex she has is with women.

- dresses like the shitshow nightmare we know and love, loves an awful t shirt and a pair of crocs. put little to no effort into her appearance pre-mutation and that hasn’t really changed, had a brief phase of screwing around with makeup and wigs and then decided it was basically - to use a line of internal monologue from the pending fic - rolling a turd in glitter.

- speaking of, has a real complex about the changes to the way people perceive her post-mutation, namely that they seem to find her super fucking irritating and odd in a way that they very much Didn’t when she was still conventionally hot. between her military background and the general company she keeps, she’s quite often the only woman in her circles, and has always been a dysfunctional mess of adhd and unfiltered word-vomit, but that was generally read as mpdg ‘cool girl’ behaviour prior to her transformation, and now people seem to just think she’s a lunatic. less ‘oh god im hideous’, although she *absolutely* has those moments too, more ‘oh god everyone i know has thought i was a weird pain in the ass this entire time and only tolerated me because they wanted to fuck me’

- wears a lot of poorly applied eyeliner and purposely sleeps in it because she thinks it looks cool. it does not.

- had absolutely zero plans to snitch to cassandra about johnny’s rant, right up until the ‘bald hell’ line. she took that shit personally (almost definitely didn’t need to but whatever. i support women’s wrongs.)

and some snippets from the fic, all of which are me wade objectifying logan. technically spoilers but also what else did anyone expect

[aangarchy]

Netflix atla live action review ep 7-8

Home stretch baby. I figured since i love the source material i should just be able to enjoy it, or at least be entertained by it somewhat. But even that was just not possible. I pirated it after the first three episodes just bc i didn't want to give netflix the satisfaction of a view.

It's not so much the acting, the costumes or even the bad/mediocre cgi, it's the writing. It's an absolute shitshow, a mess of the highest caliber. For someone who claims to love the source material, it really seems like Albert Kim didn't understand why a lot of the things in the original worked the way they did. Things that are important for character growth got removed, and lore that we normally don't see til later on in the show (or even in a completely different story within this universe!!) got crammed in. For no good reason too bc it doesn't really add anything, just gives us another obstacle or useless exposition that's supposed to explain another useless thing they added.

Both of the last episodes take place in the north pole. This makes sense somewhat because in the original all three of the last episodes took place there. The reason they did this in the original is to have room for all of the stories that still need to take place (pakku, zuko, spirit world, koh, waterbending training, sokka and yue etc.) However in this version, even though minutes wise we have more time, we have less story. Like way less. Also episode 7 proportionally is much shorter than 8 and it really gives issues with pacing.

Let's start with what annoyed me most. Where is the waterbending training? Where is it? The season's title is Water and Aang bent ZERO water this entire season unless he was in the avatar state. Katara "trains" yes, but it's mostly practicing moves she found on the scroll (which gran gran just gave to her? Why didn't this woman give it to her sooner???). She gets NO guidance from anyone, and the way she gets better at bending each time is because a BOY told her encouraging things. A BOY. In the OG we get Pakku saying "raw talent alone is not enough", which makes sense because bending in this universe is an extension of martial arts, and you have to train to become good at martial arts. This LA show however treated bending like a magic power, basically giving some mumbo jumbo about balance and a clear head and think of the people you love to become a better bender. And while yes, your mental headspace also is important (as highlighted in the original where zuko couldn't bend anymore bc he had no aggression left) it wasn't the only factor, it wasn't even the main factor.

When we arrive at the North Pole, Pakku and the chief of the North both expect Aang to help with battle strategy in order to stop the attack bc they're already aware it's coming. Aang tells them he doesn't really know how (wtf were they even expecting it mean that is a whole 12yr old) and they turn away going "guess we can't count on the avatar" like? Dude?? If they have such good intel that they already know the fire nation is preparing an attack, and that the Avatar is alive, how tf did you not hear that the Avatar is also 12 years old and far from a master of the four elements? Idk this weirded me out.

They removed the deserter episode, which means Aang doesn't renounce firebending, which means we get no storyline of Aang dealing with his conflicted feelings surrounding firebending because fire gives life, not just destruction. Katara also doesn't find out she can heal naturally. We just get told that healing is just a thing all waterbenders can do if they train for it. Katara's necklace has no significance at all in the story currently. Yugoda doesn't recognize that Katara is Kanna's granddaughter. Katara's gran gran being from the north originally doesn't play part in the story at all. Katara doesn't even once utter the words "this necklace used to be my mother's". Idk why that bothers me so much but it does. They also removed her rage at not being allowed to fight. Sure this show's Katara also goes to fight Pakku, but literally everytime she speaks she just sounds reasonable. She fights him not because she's So Enraged at not being allowed to become the master she's meant to be, but because the script demands it. She says it so matter of factly too. She's like a mellowed out shell of who Katara is supposed to be. I feel like this overall for her character in this show btw. I don't blame Kiawentiio bc i saw clips of her performance in other works (anne with an e notably) and she's good. This genuinely just seems like poor writing and directing. They removed all of Katara's passion. She's not warm, she's not feisty, she's not angry, she's not nurturing, she's also not flawed at all. I hate to say it but in this version she's giving Mary Sue, especially bc she just learns waterbending on her own, and then gets called a master out of nowhere. That's not how that's supposed to work. You're supposed to earn the term master.

Let's talk about Yue. Amber Midthunder is a great actress, but damn, that wig. Their budget was over 100 million dollars and yet they couldn't give my girl a lace front? Her wig was so structured and stiff, and if it were any other context like cosplay or a drag show this would have been perfect. Now it just looked really unnatural and instead of the hair being platinum it was gray. Yue's character got given more to do here. They changed the story to have her break her own engagement, but it's implied that the reason she did this is bc she met Sokka in the spirit world and... fell in love? Idk it was a bit weird. Both Suki and Yue were inexplicably entranced with Sokka. In the OG it's implied that Yue likes Sokka bc he's so different from the boys in the north, kind of like a city girl falling in love with a country boy. But here it feels different, he doesn't stand out at all compared to the other boys, and Hahn isn't a dickhead like the OG. I will say i like that Yue is a stronger character here. She takes charge of her own destiny and she is the one to realize that she can save the moon spirit, and wasn't told by someone else that she could do it. I am confused by them making her a waterbender, but i'm not mad at that change per se. I liked her sacrifice scene, her own acting was great. Sokka however... i genuinely burst out laughing, like so loud. The zoom in on his face, the expression, it was too much and too little at once. Overall, Yue's story was okay. Was it better than the original? Debatable. But it wasn't bad and that's a win.

We get Avatar Kuruk way earlier than we originally got him. I'm still kind of confused about the whole "you can talk to past Avatars but only in their shrine with their statue" thing, because if that's the case how in the hell is Aang ever gonna ask advice from Roku (or Kyoshi, since the writers clearly have a bias towards her and want to make her the main Avatar guide ig) without having to travel all the way to the shrine? Can they only talk in the one specific shrine or can we take a miniature set of Avatar action figures with us just in case we ever need advice? Also this lore abt the shrines and statues is flawed at best bc later on Kuruk shows up for Aang during the fight, while they're not present at the shrine. Either way, Kuruk was far from the go with the flow Avatar he was characterized as in the original. I know that we got some insight into Kuruk's story in the Kyoshi novels, and turns out it's a lot darker than expected, but Kuruk never let that change his character. He always remained chill, or at least kept up the facade, and i don't think OG Kuruk would be the type of man that is angry about how his life turned out. In this version, Kuruk is this scared, mean, bitter man who is really unsatisfied with his destiny, which he lashed out at Aang for. He seemed really angry at Aang to for no good reason. We're also not supposed to know this part about Kuruk's life yet. It's too much information and de waste time learning about his life story, the only reason we learn it in the first place is to explain the Special Spirit Killing Knife. Also the actor for Kuruk.... yikes bro. Idk which hallmark movie they pulled him from but he and his stupid polar bear hat looked like ass the whole time.

So there's this weird part about Kuruk having a Special Knife that is able to kill spirits. Idk if this is a thing from the Kyoshi novels that also made it into this show bc truth be told i haven't made it far into those novels yet at all, but it was strange to me. Somehow Zhao has this knife. We don't know how he ended up getting it (did the fire sage give it to him? I didn't see it but i might have missed it) and we pretend that this is the Only Thing that can kill spirits even when the spirits are mortal. Doesn't that negate the fact that the spirits are mortal, if they can only be killed by a Special Knife? Also there's this weird convoluted part about how the spirits actually live in the spirit world and only cross to the physical world once every ice moon to know what it feels like to be "mortal" and choose a different "mortal" form each time and this time they happened to be fish. But still, they can Only Be Killed By The Special Knife. Huh? What's the purpose of this added extra lore? I saw someone say the underlying point is that it shouldn't be this easy to kill spirits but.... that's the whole idea behind the Ocean and Moon spirits having permanent mortal forms? Them being mortal and choosing a form as insignificant as a fish, constantly circling each other to represent the precarious balance between Ocean and Moon, a balance that can be thrown off very easily. The whole point was that they're fragile so why add all this extra exposition for no reason? Why make the spirits harder to kill if in the end you're still just gonna have a guy stabbing a wet bag and not some rough spirit killing battle?

Zhao also just gets told by the fire sage that killing the moon is a thing he can do. I don't like what this changes about Zhao's character. Zhao is supposed to be this cunning man. He's scary, determined, strategically inclined, but alas overconfident and willing to go too far which ends up being his downfall. His ambition is what led him to do his own research by visiting a spirit library to find any weakness he could potentially exploit, and that's precisely what he found. In the original, Zhao always fought for his own career. His own accomplishments got him the tools to try and beat Zuko in the Avatar race. But in this version, Zhao just keeps getting handed things. He's a slippery snake that plays friends with Zuko and then tries to steal the glory from under his nose. He gets handed the archers, he gets handed the information on the moon spirit, he gets handed a war balloon (which completely ruins the surprise of the fire nation suddenly having air power at the invasion), and he gets helped by Azula of all people. It makes him look a bit chumpy in this story, and it really worsens his villain qualities.

On a completely other note, this LA seems to have a thing for making adults yell at a 12yr old Avatar for leaving the world behind, and it doesn't make any sense, because in this story Aang left on Appa for a joyride to clear his head. Aang didn't purposely leave. He had every intention of returning after an hour. Yet every adult in this show, even the past Avatars that know damn well Aang didn't flee from his responsibilities, yells at him bc he accidentally got encased in ice. And somehow this Aang gets made to feel worse about it than OG Aang even though he deserves it way less bc this Aang didn't actually run away! I don't like what this changes about Aang's character. In the OG, Aang has one fatal character flaw and that's avoiding responsibility. He runs away, and has problems with taking accountability for what his actions cost the world. He goofs around, plays games and likes to have fun to avoid having to face his destiny, all while carrying the guilt and blame for the century war. It's a huge part of Aang's character journey. The guilt he feels isn't misplaced bc Aang knows he ran off, and he knows that the world is in its current state because of his decision. In the end he takes responsibility by showing up to the fight with Ozai alone. In this LA, even though by all means Aang shouldn't feel responsible, he ends up taking responsibility right away. He goes to Kyoshi Island, not to goof around and ride giant koi, but because he knows he can talk to Kyoshi there. Kyoshi yells at him for leaving (again, why? She knows he didn't run away) and gives him a vision about the watertribe getting destroyed. Instead of panicking about it (like OG Aang did after finding out abt the comet) he just accepts that he needs to go and help. And while this Aang does get to have fun moments (i especially loved how in the first episode he sees playing watertribe children and immediately joins them, that was quintessential Aang), he just seems very down and serious a lot of the time. He's scared of people getting hurt and is very worried abt the safety of his friends to the point where he agrees with Pakku and tells Katara she shouldn't fight. It's not Aang at all bc OG Aang was rooting for Katara when she fought Pakku. To sum it up: i think the casting for Aang was perfect. A cute southeast asian skater kid that loves to have fun and genuinely just looked the part? Brilliant! I am genuinely not upset at Gordon's performance at all (although sometimes i wish he'd enunciate a bit better). But the writing messed up the character so much that i couldn't even feel the joy for having the perfect looking Aang. I will say Koifish Godzilla (Koizilla if you will) looked dope. What did confuse me abt the Koizilla scenes is that sometimes there was no music (which is a choice i often like bc it gives the scene extra gravitas) and then sometimes there was a majestic score playing in the back, like they couldn't choose how they were gonna execute it and just picked both. I know that's nitpicky but it bothered me nonetheless.

Speaking of Koizilla. Wtf was that thing they added about Aang "succumbing" to the ocean spirit and being "lost"? They didn't even explain it at all, but both Yue and Iroh talked about how Aang would be lost forever now. We don't get a why, we don't get a how. And "lost" is such a vague word for it too. Like would his spirit be lost and only his body remain? Would he be completely swallowed up by the ocean? Would he remain Koizilla, forever rampaging at the ice wall? They added this for extra tension i guess, but it doesn't really work when only minutes later Aang is able to return no problem bc Katara talked him out of it, so we don't even get to find out what "he'll be lost forever" means. Also: the scene with Katara talking Aang out of it was cute, but the execution was weird. Originally Katara gives this speech when Aang goes Avatar state at the southern airtemple. I like that they still kept Katara's speech to Aang bc it highlights their bond which is especially important for later on in the show, but I don't like how now Katara had to give this really heartfelt emotional speech to Aang in front of everyone else at the northern watertribe. It's supposed to be quite an intimate moment between her, Sokka and Aang as a new family, they're supposed to promise they won't let anyone harm him, which eventually calms him down. Here though Katara's just yelling these words at him in front of everyone and all the intimacy is gone. It also doesn't work as well bc we barely got any time of the gaang bonding. They spend episode 3-6 apart most of the time, so really they shouldn't feel this bond towards each other just yet. Because this LA removed a lot of the side adventures, we don't get the feeling that these kids have known each other for months.

Another thing they removed is Appa and Momo as characters. In the original they each get their own moments, we even got one whole episode with Appa as the main character (which won an award btw). Here though, Appa is solely used as a transportation animal and Momo... honestly i don't even remember what he does but i think it's mostly a small comedic bit? Also he hands the acorn to one of the characters. This is a bad change bc in these episodes Momo gets hurt so bad he nearly dies, and it has no emotional impact at all bc he's just an accessory in this story. I felt no emotional attachment to Momo and he just has no personality. I wonder how this choice is gonna play out when we get the kidnapped Appa story bc so far it's not looking good.

Anyway, for positives. I warmed up on Dallas's performance a lot, i wasn't that mad at Ian Ousley's performance and there were moments where he genuinely made me laugh. The cgi for the creatures was decent, but for the backgrounds it looked horrible. I liked that they showed how devastating the Seige of the North ended up being, with the unnamed kid and Hahn both dying. I liked the effect showing those two had on our main characters. I liked when Aang, Sokka and Katara all worked together taking out that one firenation ship. I liked the way they showed Sokka and Yue bonding. I really warmed up to the costumes as well, i still wish they dirtied it up a little to make them look less new.

There's probably some more positives but they're really minor compared to the negatives and also my brain is just done atp. I'm never gonna rewatch it for more analysis either bc i don't think i'll survive it lol. I might make another post abt my opinion on the show as a whole? Like an overall summary? Bc this shit is VERY long and i do apologize. If you made it this far, uhm. Thanks for caring abt my opinion so much that you sat down for like 10 minutes to read my angry yapping? I appreciate it.

Anyway bye

[lovetransaction]

It's wild to me that people's opinions of John (not factoring in personal bleed) are based ENTIRELY on the shitshow that was his life post-Mary death. Like people are out here measuring Sam's and Dean's heights to calculate the nutritional deficit in Dean's physical development but can't spare a minute to think about John as a whole character. Okay come with me for a minute:

you're John Eric Winchester from Normal, Illinois, and you're a pretty ordinary child, there's literally nothing exciting about you but here you are! You exist! You like yo-yos and guns and planes or at least that's what your parents buy for you.

your dad, who tends to go to work at odd hours, takes you to see an Abbott & Costello movie about a mummy when you're a pre-schooler and it scares the piss out of you. Your dad (who has intimate knowledge of the REAL things that go bump in the night) buys you a music box to calm you down. This music box plays a song from one of the most famous cinematic scenes of romantic melancholy that exists. Despite the late 50s being music box heyday with many options available that play lullabies, for some reason everyone thinks this is a reasonable choice. You will in fact idly whistle "As Time Goes By" all throughout your life.

when you're four, your dad abandons you and you never hear from him again or ever find out why he left you.

your mother Millie doesn't remarry. You have no family around (presumably?) so she raises you, alone, a single mother who can't even claim her husband died in the war, any war. You barely talk about your childhood even in relation to your own sons and how you raise them.

you play baseball/softball because where else can you find a readymade source of companionship and a built-in father figure (from a distance).

at seventeen full of anger and a dad-hole a mile wide you fake your age to join the Marines and be shipped off to Vietnam. While you don't talk about it much when you return to the World, you will default to drill sergeant when your back's to the wall.

you become a mechanic because you come from a family of mechanics.

you meet Mary Campbell and your whole future falls into place. Or at least, that's what you believe. Until November 2nd, 1983.

like there's ALL OF THAT before the John Winchester who's an enormous mess but does everything he can to keep his kids alive. I'm not saying anybody needs to like John but the kneejerk response of "he should be KILLED ACTUALLY" to even the canonically unequivocally good things he did while examining other characters' microexpressions down to the nth degree to ascribe victimhood is just so weird.

[devsgames]

Hi there, sorry if this is an odd question. As someone with experience in the industry and as an indie dev (you), is it even worthwhile these days to be wanting to work in the games industry? either as an indie or otherwise? I ask due to the very state of things, Professionals are not safe from layoffs, indies have insane high bars to reach to even hope to be sustainable, it would seem better to maybe choose another career path in life (if you don't have an attachment that is). I say this as a long time hobbyist, occasional dreamer, but things have changed so much over the past decade that I often wonder if it should be anything but a hobby(speaking personally for myself). Like many indies I still love games and the craft itself, but it truly is like a roll of the dice just to stand out in such a naturally highly competitive field. that's not even mentioning the sometimes demanding volatile nature of the games community, or the work itself.

I guess it's all just kinda getting to me and bringing me down, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on the matter, thanks.

I'll be frank: there are parts of this question I am simply not equipped to answer because there are so many factors that influence decision making like this. It's like someone asking you "should I have a child" - like I dunno, it depends on your whole life's situation and your personal values and priorities!

"Is it worthwhile" to get into game development entirely depends on what you want to get out of it in the first place, how far "in" you want to get, and in what capacity. As much as I wish I could tell people to go into games and have it just work for everyone, it depends far too much on what you value in life. It's impossible for me to reliably tell someone to do it or not to do it.

Generally, is it financially smart? No. Is it easy? No. Is it a safe bet? No. Does it take a lot of time and hard work? Yes. Does it offer stability like other careers? No. Is it fair? No.

Is it rewarding? Depends what about the craft you find rewarding. Is it better than something like factory work? Depends what type of work you like. Is it a good career choice? If you don't mind low pay and periods of instability. Is it stress free? Depends on where you work and with whom.

The industry is a shitshow right now with all the mass layoffs. This is true. It's The Thing on everyone's mind. It's undoubtedly going to make job seeking 100x more competitive and challenging for basically everyone hunting around the market right now in an industry that is already notoriously competitive, especially to juniors. Many people who got laid off likely are never going to work in games again, either for trauma or instability. It's taken the latent abuse and issues with technocapitalism and exposed it for everyone to see. If you get a job in games, you will possibly get laid off down the line. It happens to many of us.

However, it has always been this way. There were mass layoffs in '07 during the housing crash, and people got through that. Getting a job in video games has been an incredible challenge for the lst 20 years, and people have made it work. People have been making games in spite of shit working conditions, oversaturated market and lousy pay since modern games were invented. There are people whose lives have been dramatically changed by these layoffs, and some will never work in games again. It's increedibly heartbreaking.

Yet people will still keep working on games. I don't see that changing.

I've personally never had any illusions that games were somehow an easy path in life, nor have I minced those words with people seeking to enter the field. It's hard, time consuming and in many cases soul-sucking. I've always respected anyone who hung up their hat and went off to do something else with their life.

I know some people who left games to go work for banks where the pay was better and the industry way more stable. I know people who have dropped out of school because they realized job prospects were weak and they wanted to start a family down the road. I know people who left gamedev school because frankly they were broke and couldn't afford the massive debt that seeking a job in games would likely cost them. I know people who left games because frankly they just hated making games.

I don't blame any of these people for making these types of decisions because at some point it's a question of balancing your ability to survive with the ever-increasing demands of a needlessly aggressive industry (and it's a shame these factors - as any brought on by capitalism - weigh heaviest on folks on the margins). Sometimes I worry I'm too real when I talk to students about this stuff, but I think it's a survival skill to internalize these sort of things and factor them into your decision-making.

The point here is I can't in good faith tell any one person if going into games or not is implicitly a good or bad move because it's such a personal decision based on their personal contexts. All I can do is advocate the costs and risks associated with trying to tie it so intimately into your life - I think as long as people can see the cards they will have to find out how to play them themselves.

Same as above, I can't in good faith stand here and tell people whether they should or shouldn't do something like indie dev, because it has just as many risks as a regular dev career, if not more. Volitile game sales, highly competitive market, lots of work, little pay, self-management, etc.

I talk about this all the time, but unless you're the 1% of indies who suddenly get blown out of the water and everyone talks about, odds are good you won't be making enough money to survive on it. Way way way too many people who only hear of the most successful games treat them as the rule, not the exception, and then are shocked to find their game only making like, $30 a month. I generally don't think anyone should treat indie dev as a 'career' but rather more like a side hustle that might eventually turn into a career. Like, right now I have shipped 4+ games in various capacities, and my game sales are only enough for 1/2 a rent payment per month. It's why I took a part time job! Indie dev """fame""" I think is also a hidden factor that motivates people (why? Who knows), but it too is a lot like the money element, in that it's not really common and doesn't matter anyway because it doesn't put food on the table. Take these factors into account and weigh them as you weigh indie dev too. I

However I will say that I think like any craft, the current state of the industry surrounding the craft shouldn't (and in many cases won't) affect interest in the craft itself. I think if people want to make games and like doing it, they're going to do it no matter how easy or profitable it is, and no matter how fucked up the industry is.

I make games not because I want to be an indie dev or make money, but simply because I enjoy doing it and want to keep doing it. In fact, the times I've hated it most was when I was using it solely to make money from it to survive. It's why people still weave tapestries or practice weird obscure hobbies. It doesn't make enough to eat and usually they have regular lives and jobs on the side - they do it because they just like doing it.

People are gunna keep making games, because game development is not actually implicitly tied to the games industry in any way. You can make art no one plays. You can make art no one buys. You can make art for the sake of it. You can work as a line cook and make art in your free time. Game dev is easier and more accessible then it ever has been before. People will still keep doing it.

Sorry this all boils down to "it depends" but sometimes for big life and career decisions it does indeed just depend. I hope that no matter what choice you end up making that it involves making games regardless. Life's too short not to make art!

[charmwasjess]

hi!! qui-gon + 2, 3, 12

Hi!!! Thank you for playing!! I'm sorry I'm a little bit late with this answer. I have been absolutely savoring these and spending too long on my answers. THEY ARE SO FUN.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

Honestly, the moment where Qui-Gon is in the middle of the Duel of the Fates and kneels down in front of the wall of lasers and the prowling, glaring Maul to meditate. Coming into TPM after the OT, Qui-Gon is the first full-on Jedi in his prime we've ever seen, and that moment is so precious to me, not just for how it characterizes him, but for the picture it gives us of what the whole Jedi Order are like as a people. It's a beautiful, iconic scene. When I think about why I like the Jedi stories in Star Wars best of all, I think about that moment. 3. Least favorite canon thing about this character? I think we're supposed to wince at this moment in TPM - the camera cut to Obi-Wan's blindsided, hurt eyes, literally left behind as Qui-Gon steps forward to announce to the Council that Anakin will now be his Padawan. It's excruciating. It's uncomfortable. The echo of that same fact coming back when he spends his last words on Anakin, and not the boy he's already trained who is actively crying onto him.

But frankly, I actually like this about his character, even if it kills me - because the best characters have interesting flaws, and Qui-Gon has some horribly good ones. I could go on and on about this. And the point is never that I think Qui-Gon is deliberately thoughtless or evil in this, it's just the painful complexity of a really good character.

....If you want a more petty answer, I'd also say I'm annoyed at Master and Apprentice's vague and unclarified suggestion that Qui-Gon had Some Big Love Interest in his past, unless they plan to actively re-canonized Tahl. (Which they should. Light of the Force. Love of my life.) 12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

I don't know if this counts, because it's definitely a Theory as much as a headcanon, but nothing will convince me that Darth Maul wasn't specifically added to the Naboo shitshow by Sidious for no reason other than to kill Qui-Gon. Maul does nothing during TPM except try to isolate and destroy him. He routinely ignores his actual target (stopping/controlling Amidala) to get at him. And I think the reason for this is because, much like Sidious groomed Anakin for years as his ideal/intended student while Dooku was his apprentice, Sidious was moving out Maul for Dooku, and he needed Qui-Gon's death as the ultimate destabilizing factor to topple Dooku's house of cards.

* Here's the link if you want to send me an ask or reblog to play!

[affluent-havoc]

Random Togami Headcanon 16

Byakuya has some opinions about being in a gym class with his other classmates. Also just gym in general. He sure does have an opinion on literally everything though!

And it's not like he's not one to exercise. He does of course! Gotta ensure he can defend for himself as the heir. However, he's still a lean guy and is NO way a gym bro nor would he want to. He'd hate his personality only being "get swoll" or "doing reps". Byakuya's just not that guy in general. Not a gym bro. But, either way, despite not hating the concept of working out and doing some exercises now and again, he still despises gym. School gym. Lotta gyms. Just utter distain within him for it. And it's deep too.

In regards to having gym with his peers in school, he's not fond of some of them looking at him or just Toko in general ogling him. Mostly though, it's the hygiene cus, fancy school or not, regardless of his old school either, it's still a gym. A sweaty ass gym. No amount of air conditioning or funds will change his mind. And golly does he HATE being on the gym floor too and getting his hands on it to do push ups or pull ups or just any time he accidently touches the floor. It's better outside but he also isn't fond of it either since he's still in gym. Also, out of everything in Hopes Peak, the gym is a downgrade in his eyes. Also, he's not too fond of wearing the gym uniform cus he's just gotta whine about everything.

As for general gym happenings not involving school, he just doesn't really like dressing casual for working out which is why his gym clothes at his fancy mansion are custom made. Not that he enjoys those either. Like, if he could, he'd just live in his suits. But, atlas, he's still human. Byakuya also just hates certain workouts in general and even some names of the workouts that he legitimately refuses to ever utter in his life. Good luck guessing which ones! In terms of the workouts and their functions though, he has the dislike for then, not cus of strain. Cus of how he looks or just that he feels the workout is ridiculous and unbecoming of him. Like, he refuses to do jumping jacks and he will die on his hill. Or, basically, if he was in some American school and had to do bear crawls, yeah. He'd freaking HATE that so bad. Don't get him started on group work. He's ALWAYS despised doing group work. 9/10 he's either suck with someone he doesn't like or he just hates the project and it's just a hassle. He especially doesn't like it at gym though cus he's required to either let people touch HIM or HE has to touch THEM. And, depending on the classmates, the disgust varies. Like, he'd rather have Celeste, Kyoko, Makoto, or Taka touch him rather than Toko, or Hiro for instance. That's not to say he doesn't like group projects at times but it is exclusively away from gym since gym is just a big no. Also by "at times" it's just one specific instance There is only one instance he'll like group work and it has nothing to do with him. With group projects come group presentations and OH BOY does he love seeing the real shitshows of them all. The double edged part of it is that sometimes, they're too bad. Too funny to watch so he has to put more work than he calculated to contain himself. Last thing he wants are the commoners commentating on his laughing of all things. Not because they'd hate it. With bad presentations, other's will be guaranteed to find the whole trainwreck amusing. What REALLY makes him contain himself is that he just KNOWS he'll get comments on "how cute he sounds" and the last thing he wants is to die of embarrassment from that. And, honestly, embarrassment as well as disgust are the main factors why he hates gym class so adamantly. What can ya say. He likes his control.

[patrickdiomedes]

RWBY/X-Men crossover thoughts

So, I've been thinking recently about a "What if Magneto was Pyrrha's dad?" fic, what with the magnetism. And then I started wondering about just bringing all the X-characters into RWBY. (possibly in the wake of whatever shitshow the end of the Krakoa Era turns into.)

Now, on the one hand, it'd make sense to have all the Mutants be faunus, but I don't wanna go that route. So instead, various mutants have been appearing for all of Remnant's history. Some of them remember their past in the 616 universe, most don't, only having vague feelings of deja vu sometimes when meeting another mutant. Not that they're technically "mutants" here, as the X-Gene is replaced by semblances. So on the one hand, mutants are no longer hated and feared. On the other hand, they're living on a death world with an immortal being who controls an army of monsters. (It's honestly kinda nostalgic for the Arakki mutants).

So far, the only concrete idea I have for any of the mutants is Magneto being Pyrrha's dad, and Wanda, Pietro, and Lorna being her siblings (Fuck you marvel, Wanda and Pietro are his kids and they're mutants) I'm thinking that Charles actually was part of Oz's inner circle several lifetimes ago, and they tried using his telepathy (along with some kind of power amplifier) to tell a whole kingdom (or a chunk of one) about Salem. It went...poorly, and was a contributing factor in Oz's secrecy in the present day.

Other ideas:

Sebastian Shaw is one of Jacques Schnee's chief business rivals. Doesn't remember his previous life, other than the odd bit of deja vu, and having an instinctive knowledge of how his semblance worked as soon as it activated. Worked in either a dust mine, or a dust refinery, and his semblance activated during a workplace accident. Ghira Belladonna's chief competition in the "Remnant's Most Glorious Chest Hair" contest.

En Sabah Nur would be a relic of the early humans, before the gods wiped them out. He still sleeps beneath the sands of Vacuo (possibly along with his kids and wife). Could do something with the Crown from the two Team CFVY novels wanting to awaken him, rather than just restoring the Vacuan Monarchy.

Just realized that the Aura Transfer tech Ironwood was developing could've been developed by someone who studied Apocalypse's mind transfer stuff. Even though if this is krakoa era Apoc, he no longer needs to do that.

the O5 x-men would be contemporaries of team STRQ, along with the team from Giant Size #1. That's Cyclops, Jean, Beast, Bobby, Warren, Nightcrawler, Storm, Wolverine, Banshee, Colossus, Thunderbird, and Sunfire, which does make for 3 teams of 4, if we're assuming that all of them were students of the huntsman academies. Maybe they were all from the other 3 academies, with STRQ at Beacon? Though Rogue, Havok and Polaris throw those numbers off. Though Rachel and Betsy bring it up to 16, so i guess it still works out.

I personally would have Hank as part of Ironwood's inner circle after the fall of beacon, with both of them exacerbating each others negative tendencies. I like Hank's villain turn, and feel like it's a natural progression of his character since at least the 90s (Justice for Threnody, motherfucker)

I'd put the New Mutants as a bit older than team RWBY, probably around the same age range as Winter, Cinder and the Ace Ops.

That's Cannonball, Mirage, Karma, Cypher, Magik, Wolfsbane, Magma, Sunspot, and Warlock. Not counting Warlock (who I have no idea how to work him in) that makes 8. Kitty would probably fall into this group too

This leaves Generation X and Academy X as contemporaries of team RWBY.

this is the group I know the least about. But that would be Chamber, Jubilee, Monet, Skin, Synch, Bling!, Eye Boy, and Quentin Quire for Generation X. Maybe have them be upperclassmen to RWBY's freshmen

then Academy X is Elixir, Icarus, Prodigy, Surge, Wallflower, Wind Dancer, Dust, Hellion, Mercury, Rockslide, Laura Kinney and Wither. Anyone else from the X-Men training squads would fall in this age group too.

Deadly Genesis was obviously not a thing in this universe, and the only one of those X-Men I care about is Darwin.

Selene is...around. Honestly I think it'd be hilarious if she just hung out in the Land of Darkness, eating grimm and really annoying Salem, after they figured out that Selene couldn't kill her. She still busts down Salem's door to drain some of her life force occasionally, but honestly it's the closest thing to friendship either of them has.

Mystique predates the Great War, and does Huntress work occasionally, but these days she mostly stays home with Irene (At least that's the official story). No one knows if she's human or faunus. Her relationship with her biological son Kurt (we're going with Claremont's original plan here, Mystique was the 'father' and Irene was the mother) and her adopted daughter Anna Marie is...strained.

Fuck it, replace Glynda with Emma Frost, it's not like Glynda is that important in the grand scheme of things. (y'all know I'm right)

Characters I'm not sure what to do with:

Forge (combine him with pietro pollendina/have them be colleagues?)

the Stepford Cuckoos

Cable

Bishop

Sage

Toad

Dazzler

Boom-Boom

Stryfe

honestly, it might streamline things to have all the time traveler characters come from the same dystopian future

Rictor

Akihiro

[ashadowofburnedoutstardust]

Hello all,

(I do apologise because my memory is partially photographic but honestly, go read the LSA threads because I'm tired of digging up screenshots, although it is WEIRD how a specific set of Relationship theory threads popped up out of nowhere just as this shitshow started to get going)

Can someone remind me how old the Tiktokers were again? About the same age as 🐟 and the DC intern?

Here's the question I can't quite answer, is it a bunch of rumours and a set up? or did the man just finally get caught out?

The Tiktokers said they got invited by a guy to a party in LA whom they met in Cabo that just happens to show up at the table next to him and friends out for the night? That sounds like getting "recruited" to me (Does anyone know if they have an agency? And which one? Maybe an industry insider can look into it and talk amongst themselves, this information has no use to me personally)

Weirdly one of the people he followed went to Cabo a few weeks before? Who actually organised this stag do in the middle of filming Ghosted to be in LA?

Did they pick LA because if he went out in Atlanta he'd definitely be expected to be spotted and people would already be keeping an eye out?

Christopher posts a selfie on the couch wearing a denim Jacket looking very, very tired and we're first thinking "Oh they've had a night shoot" and then the tiktok video of him showing him in LA during filming of what's supposed to be a closed set with COVID restrictions, lord knows that didn't stop a trip to London to hang out with Lily James, but then again who organised that as well? Sometimes an actor has to go where they're told to go? And if it was a PR set up that turned to shit well then that points to his management

(People pleasing much Christopher? I know you worry about things to do with your career dove but do learn to say no, it is of far better use to your peace of mind than being able to meditate properly)

Was he really supposed to be the next SMA at that point, and instead they ended up going with Rudd or whomever because the PR with Lily wasn't running properly due to the backlash of travelling during Covid and her getting caught in the park as well as with a married man in Venice?

Or is all of that just "scandal PR" to match her movie that came out with her co star? *Shrugs*

Anyway, after he posts the tired selfie the Tiktokers post that video where you can clearly see his friend Paul, with Christopher in the background at a club in LA, and then Paul's fiancé removes Chris from her followers (yeah I'd be pissed seeing that video too lol especially with my wedding coming up) after seeing him hang out with much younger women that arrived with someone at the next table? It's almost like product placement for advertising isn't it? What a marketable moment lol

Coincidence? I don't really believe in them lol

Something is up, he's gotten caught in two different clubs with much younger companions twice now and the blame always seems to end up on someone else around him when he's the common factor? Or is that the whole point?

It's meant to imply he is the common factor???

Weird how the Tiktokers had to take down the video and close their Instagram and seemingly disappeared into oblivion afterwards never to be seen or heard from again

Weird how the DC intern takes down their posts of both the pic with him, and pics from Boston, and then starts a fashion label out of nowhere, how much does that cost to start up? Remind me again which side of the political spectrum that the office she worked for was on again?

Both of these posts made by the DC intern AND the Tiktokers had the words in a comment underneath "Might've been a bit more than that" in a very suggestive manner that curious fans were bound to notice, was this done intentionally?

The SAME exact phrase.......you know how I feel about coincidences........

It's literally the same phrase, it didn't work the first time with the intern so they tried again with a Tiktok video and a more immediately accessible audience? Thank you manipulative algorithms 👏 for getting that around nice and quickly

For years this man has been seen with age appropriate women, and the second he steps out with "A Starting Point" (which required fact checkers to be used, who has a bigger problem with that I wonder) this sort of stuff starts circulating around the most visible of the organisers, who also happens to be publicly single with a reputation to protect

Now I'm not completely sure on this but those in the industry would know better on this next point BUT just how far do the fingers of "DC" and CAA in the industry intertwine?

I mean, we've now had people come forward as being paid to act like fans of people they've never heard of, literally go look it up on Tiktok, how does the saying go "Everything in Hollywood is transactional"??

Ok, so who's paying for it then??

We know stuff has been leaked from HIS side to 🐟 side intentionally (re: pumpkin pic and the now deleted Just Jared article calling him out on it, (who owns that place anyway?

And how did they get hold of the info running on the LSA threads so quickly to run it in an article online, almost like they were waiting for it to drop to keep the momentum going? Or did someone catch that all and send it into them

Chelsea went and deleted the comment she made, as did Tara eventually, and both are now private and seemingly no longer involved, did his agency request it to be that way for this PR cycle in order to make it more believable?

You have to remember that he followed these people from his blue tick account which of course was a new and exciting thing to his fans of course they are going to be watching everything "he does"

Did they just want him to follow them so it was visibly noticeable to the "gossip forums and look more legitimate in terms of his social circles where they would be able to drop the info to knowing who reads it?

Here's what I wonder, is it a set up? Is it a matter of just getting caught out? Who is organising these things for him to know where he would be?

Man Christopher, just pick a girl already, one that knows how to throw a punch at someone that comes for their man, because I wonder sometimes if you know HOW to stick up for yourself

Disclaimer: I have no connections to the entertainment industry and these thoughts are based on the things I have observed and learned over the year with a bit of speculation and opinion thrown in, though I have previously studied both Journalism, PR, and marketing a long time ago for like one semester....

But like I've said before make up your own mind

I'll touch back on the Tiktokers later on

💜🪽🌟

[alexwatchesshows]

Black Sails V (S1E5) review

Spoilers for up to and including E5.

The plot is really picking up now.

Flint is starting to really show why he's a captain. I mean, sure, we've seen his big speeches and all that, but he's also quite good at the day-to-day stuff. He can see that Billy doesn't trust him and knows exactly how to get his support (or at least enough of his support to get them through the next few days). It's also interesting to note that he describes Mrs. Barlow as "a nice puritan woman who shares his love of books" given that a) I'm not exactly sure that she's even puritan and b) there's definitely more to it than that, but I guess that also goes into what will make Billy happy, even if it doesn't give a huge amount of insight into their relationship. We also see that Flint really knows his shit when it comes to the technical side of running a boat. He's willing to (literally) take the wheel and can hold his own against De Groot when arguing about what the ship is capable of doing (and he's right). At this point it also becomes clear that Flint has won Billy's trust (at least for the time being) as he sides with him over De Groot on the whole t'gallants thing (don't ask me what any of this stuff actually means). Also, as an unrelated sidenote, it was cool to see what "knots" actually means in terms of boat speed.

This episode also gives some interesting insight into different styles of leadership. Flint, although he keeps himself apart from the crew, is absolutely willing to get involved in the nitty gritty of managing the ship. This is especially pronounced in comparison to the other captain (Bryson?) who is more concerned about the china than anything else, and won't even see to that himself. Then we have Billy, who's very hands-on. To be fair, the difference between Billy and Flint is possibly also due to the difference in the roles of captain and quartermaster, but still, Billy is absolutely there for the crew (more so than Gates even), he's on their level, giving that very helpful explanation of tactics with the brushes (which also gave me a fighting chance of understanding what the hell was going on), he's there with them. Then there's Vane, who's aloof in a different way. He's going through his own shit (more on that later), but even without that, the fact that he responds to the loss of his crew by just leaving Jack to deal with it is a different thing altogether. Then there's the shitshow that is the Guthries. I wish I knew what Richard Guthrie was thinking because, even when I factor self-preservation in, I can't fully see the logic behind his decision. Eleanor, on the other hand, really shows her full potential as a leader in this episode. She clearly knows the various crews/captains very well and comes up with an effective solution very quickly.

Billy is starting to realise the responsibility that he holds as quartermaster. There's the discussion with Flint, where he acknowledges that although Flint has command over him, his main responsibility is to the crew, which I think more or less sums up Billy as a character so far. He's dedicated to nothing more than his crew. Then there's also the Dufresne plotline. I'm going to put myself out there and say that I actually like Dufresne. I know a lot of people feel either neutral or negative towards him at this point but honestly I think more brutal pirate shows just need the one nerd who's also there because he's good with numbers. I respect him for that. But also Billy's perspective of needing every man he can get is true and he's evidently really good at reassuring Dufresne. We see him try multiple approaches to convince him and he does ultimately succeed (maybe a little too well), and Dusfresne thanks him for it. This does mark something that's not yet a theme but still a little more than coincidence for Billy. He's lied about the note, keeping Flint in power and, in doing so, put the crew on the hunt for the Urca. Now, it was his words that got Dusfresne to fight, putting him in the position where he went (for lack of a better word) completely feral. Billy's good at determining the course of events, but maybe he's a little too good.

Meanwhile, Jack has somehow managed to just about save his, Vane's and Anne's situations by obtaining a brothel. His ability to bullshit is impressive, but Mrs Mapleton clearly couldn't care less. All within the group is not well, though: the rest of their crew are leaving them, there's tension between Jack and Anne, and Vane's going through god only knows what. Max is still a topic of conflict between them and I think, for the first time in the show, Anne's gender is becoming a point of internal conflict for her. She's the only female pirate that we've seen in the show, and one of very few women who holds any kind of position outside the brothel. Jack expects this to be all that matters and for her to share his priorities (keeping as much of the crew as possible, Max paying of her "debt", etc.) but evidently her experience in this world as a woman is making her much more aware of Max's suffering than Jack or Vane are. Vane is also going through some shit (probably linked to that man he kept seeing) and ends up disappearing off into the night without telling anyone anything in a way that's quite reminiscent of Sophie in the opening scene of Mamma Mia.

I do like that we got much more of Anne as a person in this episode. We've absolutely established her as a skilled fighter and recognised-- if not respected-- pirate, but we've seen very little of her internal world. Following her argument with Jack, she evidently goes to get Mapleton, but still stands over them like a guard, and stands up for Max when Mrs Mapleton is being too harsh on her. She's then very gentle with Max as she uses what I can only assume is some strange yet moderatley affective (otherwise they wouldn't be using it) form of 18th century contraception. We get a brief conversation between them, in which we see the clear difference between their views of the world-- Anne can't see why Max wouldn't just leave while she could, whilst Max (once again) asserts her own moral code in which she owes the crew something because she was partially responsible for the loss of the pearls. There's also Anne's comment of "I only thought they'd kill you" in response to Max pointing out that she helped capture Max, which I think shows both what she'd do and a sense that, while she has experience sexual harassment before (as she tells the story about cutting a guy's balls off), she hasn't in a while and hadn't considered that the people she lived around were capable of the levels of violence that they showed, but also shows to us as an audience that Anne wasn't being as callous as we may have assumed in handing Max over.

Eleanor is not having a great time. After RG's dealings with the pastor and whatever the hell kind of change of heart he's had, he gives a long, very misguided speech essentially just screwing everything up and leaving. It's very clear that he doesn't know or care about his daughter very much, especially giving the subtly misogynistic language he uses when talking to her later (claiming she was "seduced" by Flint, talking with Bryson "like men", etc.). He hasn't played a very active role in Nassau in years and hasn't been around to see how much work Eleanor has put into it and how much she cares about it. I think there's also a level of ignorance on his part, as a man, in that he doesn't understand that maybe the reason E cares so much about Nassau is because it's one of the few places in the world where she can hold authority and autonomy, and that maybe she likes being in this kind of position of power. After RG fully fucks off we also see that E's actually a pretty talented leader. Hornigold does sort of help whilst being pretty condescending about it, but it's E who comes up with an effective (and clever) solution. She also proves that she can hold her own in a room full of older men, despite her father's utilisation of her youth and gender to belittle her. Her "strong and stable" thing was giving me Theresa May flashbacks but I must remember that this season was released in a blissfully pre-Brexit world. We also see other people's views on Eleanor's power, and her father seems to be the only one underestimating her, showing just how out of touch he is (I mean, seriously, when fucking Hornigold knows more about your daughter than you do you know you've failed as a parent). Admittedly "tyrant in a petticoat" isn't a glowing endorsement of how she's been running things, but at least he recognises the power (however abused) she holds. Vane probably comes the closest with his idea of "power that just is", power that he seems to be aiming for on his voyage of self-discovery, and Jack is also right in his cautious statement of "to assume we've seen the last of Eleanor Guthrie is not to know her". She, Silver and Jack are currently vying for the prize of Scrappiest Nassau Inhabitant and it's a close battle. We also see that Mr Scott still believed in Eleanor and actually allowed himself to be captured into slavery rather than betray her. There's a father.

Then, to make matters worse for Eleanor, she has fucking John Silver tied to her sofa. He's trying to make the best of a bad situation by giving random unsolicited advice and, admittedly, does actually have some success, but still can't fully get past the barrier of Eleanor blaming him for Max's situation. It seems like Eleanor just can't figure out what she feels about the whole thing-- she blames Silver, she blames herself, she's mad with Max for not accepting her safety, she thinks she made the right decision-- it's all a bit of a mess, and John Silver isn't the guy to help her figure it out.

Then we end with more plot twists. Dufresne being in complete shock, still covered in blood, turning to accounting to calm himself down is honestly why I love S1 Dufresne. Unfortunately, his organisation is going to raise some questions for Flint. Everyone's covered in blood and things are only getting worse.

[tofindloveinpoison]

Iconic Fanfictions ive read two years ago and what I currently remember of them:

I will premise this by saying that these fanfics were famous only in certain specific niches of the internet, and that when i say that a work is badly written or i critique it in anyway it?s just my opinion from what i vaguely remember, whihch might not be correct. 

Fanfics below the cut: filthy lucre, asotm, twist and shout, the hat and lung fics, anatomy of a fall, throam, unholyverse. feelfree to add what you remember of “famous fanfics” you’ve read.

tw for mentions of: sexual assault, violence, animal abuse, pedophilia and some other upsetting topics. 

The Milk Fic

Oh my God this was bad but not nearly as extreme as other fics. An iconic and shocking read i do not recommend, but if you really want to read it it will not ruin your life, your month at most. 

From what i remember at least the sex was consensual aaaaaaand i don’t remember any other good/decent aspects about it. 

Very famous, a lot of ppl have read it, gerard way said it was “well-written” but honestly it wasn’t.

( original? ryden version) 4/10 because of lack of actual crimes.

Filthy Lucre

So bad i don’t remember the plot. They’re prostitutes i think? there definitely was an abusive relationship and the sex scenes were so bad i had to skip all of them, meaning i read the whole thing in half an hour.

Really terrible, they don’t end up toghether and that’s the only interesting element. I recomend no one reads this unless you are literally dying of boredom.

(frerard version) 1/10 because its a completed work, but at what cost

Twist and Shout

This is considered one of the good ones and you know what? for iconic fanfiction standards it’s not bad at all, decently-written with actual characters that don’t feel, like most fanfic characters, like bad ooc versions of the original.

How about the overcomplicated plot tho? I don’t remember a thing except for the homophobia (its set in the 50s-60s), the war, the Elvis songs, one cute sad beach scene and one of the protagonists dying of aids. Maybe they also watch star trek,idk; lots to unpack. 

If you want to suffer and you have lots of free time i recommend it, i skipped most of the sex scenes but there is an actual plot so that was not a problem.

(original Destiel version) 8/10 bc I don’t remember how they handled the aids thing but it made me uncomfortable, might be just bc of the upsetting subject matter but i don’t remember

The Hat Fic

DO NOT READ THIS THING. Go read the milk fic if you want weird but not this one please. A milk enema is NOTHING. Contains animal abuse and i don’t remember how consensual the whole thing was.

I CAN ASSURE YOU THIS MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE TO THIS DAY I FEEL SICK WRITING THIS. There is a whole subset of early phanfiction centered on being as disgusting and upsetting as possible and i think this started it.

I higly doubt anyone got off on this but still the possibility unsettles me.

(original phan version )  -8233983743764346/10 should be illigal to talk about it. We should all agree to Damnatio Memoriae this thing.

A splitting of the Mind

Some people insist on treating this as one of the good iconic fics but it’s bad. 

So bad its actually an interesting read if you feel like analizing some text, trying to see what is so appealing about it, despite its evident flaws.

The age gap is 19-16 so not as bad as the Other Iconic mcr Fanfic About Doves that i did not read bc from what i remember it was basically pedophilia/grooming but i might be wrong. God the bar is so low

Portrayal of mantal illness and trauma was truly a shitshow, the writing was not great but also not horrible. The sexual assault elements upset me greatly but it might be just bc of the subject matter

pros: unreliable narrator done decently, ray toro’s character saw the future looking in cereal, characters are characters and not merely names (not to be confused with actual good characterization), nothing else.

(original frerard version) 5/10 for the effort honestly, but i do not recommend this unless you are mentally ready for some heavy topics handled poorly.

The Lung Fic

This was written with the goal of shocking the reader, in the same vein as all hat fic/ milk fic copycats.

 Should be more upsetting, given it contains gore, pedophilia and a bunch of other disgusting madness (maybe mpreg?), but it just reads as a fanfiction taboo list.

Not worth reading at all, clearly intentionally designed to shock and disgust to the point where it’s obvious.

0/10 i don’te remember which version, irrelevant, don’t waste your time

Anatomy of a fall

Contains ghosts, high school au, possibly resurrection or death, idk.

I don’t remember this being particularly offensive in any way, but its been a long time. Then again i did not read the sex scenes so it might contain necrophilia and i wouldn’t know. (i checked and no necrophilia, just “weird supernatural sex”)

is it well written? no, but it’s not outragiously badly-written. Is it funny sometimes? yes.

 In the context of this list, this might be a good one, in any other context probably not. I might be biased bc i love ghost stories in general and this one does not contain sexual assault if i remember correcly. (The bar is soooo low)

(original? frerard version) 7/10 bc ghosts and funny aND IT HAS ILLUSTRATIONS (vietnamese translation available)

 The Heart Rate of a Mouse

Good but not in the classical meaning of the word. It contains some Hot TakesTM on human sexuality, substance abuse and unhealthy relationship(s).

Its set in the 70s so the homophobia is there and she is thriving. Wonderful internalized homophobia, really 10/10 for that.

The sex and the plot sometimes intersect, putting me in the uncomfortable position of having to  read smut or not knowiong what is going on (0/10 ).

Well written for the genre (=beloved fanfictions that are rarely redeemable); characters are original and flawed, even interesting sometimes.

The plot is three pubblished books worth of plot available for free on the internet and that is a blessing. I suggest reading this as if all the characters are OCs and you found this book forgotten on the train and decided to read it. 

But is it actually good as a story? idk its a lot honestly, if you have to quarantine for 14 days bc of covid and you don’t have anything to study, this will fill at least 4 full days of reading.

(original version)8/10 bc it has everithing but its still not a masterpiece of modern fanfic literature sorry

Unholyverse

Contains Demons, priests, scarfs, exorcisms(affectionate), vergin mary tatoos and much more. Not as carefully written as throam or tas, but it still makes it as one of the good  fanfics solely for the cool factor.

It would be so cool if this was better written and a comicbook or a grafic novel with original characters.( I skipped all the sex scenes bc they made me uncomfy, as usual so idkwhat was going on there)

If there was anything extremely upsetting about this one i forgot about it (i checked: they say “ warnings for religious themes, pain, trauma, blood, torture and death”). There is a lot of plot, its not even just one fic its a whole serie. 

Great for passing the time, I forgot most of it 7/10 for the demons (original version)

[conscience-killer]

*pops up in your asks like snoop in half baked* yo gimme 3, 4, 7, 8, 16, 17, 20 aaaand 25 for the asks, por favor 😎

THANKS FOR ALL THE HARD ONES BABE 🫣 Tho legit the snoop reference exonerates you. (Imma gif that someday.) Anyways it’s been a while and I am likely to ramble like a motherfucker.

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

Okay so there’s been an idea for another (yes.) Cricks fic that has been rattling around my brain-pan since around like the fifth month of March 2020. I have a title and premise all thought up but literally one (1) scene. Anyways that scene is p much Cricket getting off to Dennis being passed out after too much (crack? heroin? whateverthefuck?) and basically Cricks jerking off in his face. BECAUSE for some reason the facial was always a staple with my Cricket fics. Shruggers. Anyways the whole fic that may or may not (probably not) happen was gonna be around 5-10 chapters (yes.) and there’s a running theme which I shan’t spoil in case the stars align and I decide to write it. Which I probably won’t.

But I might.

One day.

Does the world even need more Cricket fics? :)

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

This part from Shakin’ Off the Rust:

The mail doesn’t stop, and neither do the insects buzzing around his mind as Charlie explains this entire shitshow to Mac. Mac isn’t getting it, and he doesn’t see Barney, either. Goddammit, it had all sounded so plausible before. Maybe he does sound like a Charlie Brown teacher, after all. Was he named after Charlie fucking Brown? When he popped out, happy as a clam, did he make goofy mute trombone sounds instead of crying like a normal baby? Shit. He takes a drag of his cigarette and stills, the upbeat bassline of Day Bow Bow penetrating his thoughts for reasons known only to the brain hornets.

“You’ve lost your mind. You’ve lost your goddamn mind, Charlie.”

So it’s like, this fic was never supposed to happen. A few factors came into play here: 1) The podcast reigniting my love for the show and these talented assholes. 2) A rewatch of Sunny I’m having at work lately with the Sunday locum between the endless swathes of belligerent patients. We got to Pepe and a little bell chimed in my head and I was like... “I could work with this, but will I?” 3) The Writing Itch. Y’all know it. 4) Brain hornets. 

ANYWAY it started writing pretty much autonomously which is my favourite way for these things to happen, and this was the paragraph that took it away from Charlie’s manic intro monologue and into the actual canon Pepe Silvia scene. It felt nice to tie it in. :)

7. What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?

I mean copious profanity and blasphemy aside, I’d like to think that my attempts to give the narration a voice that rings true to the main character of the story work for the reader. It gives each story its own tone and different headspaces are so much fun to explore for me.

8. Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

Undoubtedly. My perpetual boner for hate sex will never subside. :) (That said Pepe was soft as holy fuck but hey I’ve been away for three years.) I haven’t read much at all throughout the pandemic but a few things have crossed my path, such as this incredible Saw fic right here, and this exquisite The Boys fic. Sometimes I seek shit out and hit the jackpot right away.

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

Literally just writing a fic lol. And I guess in a way it was kinda fluffy (for me), which hasn’t happened since Time to Pretend and even then that was prefaced with an extremely dubcon gangbang sooooooo yeah. Where was I going with this?

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

I actually have a pretty low sex drive. I have phases where I’m horny for days but mostly I’m just lagom, as mom would call it. That said, I mostly only read explicit fic so therefore I write it too. It’s just such a satisfying payoff. Especially when you write a shittonne of exposition just to facilitate some porn. *Looking at you, Birby.* Also, I haven’t the vaguest clue about the mechanics and conventions of writing. I just put shit together and hope it works.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Oh oh OH! I’m gonna link the lame reference doc of lame. It is perpetually expanding because there’s nothing I enjoy more than referencing shit in fics. NOTHING. As for callbacks, the entire Cricket Chronicles was loosely woven together by a thread of facials and reciprocated fellatio. Like secret santa with dicks. (I’ve used those descriptions before but fuck it it’s been forever.)

/edit ALSO! Shakin’ Off the Rust itself is a meta title because 1) I’ve just discovered The Blue Stones (click me I’m awesome), and 2) because I was literally shaking off the rust of not writing for three years and 3) because Mac and Charlie were shaking off their own rust at not manhandling each others’ genitalia for however long it’s been. META.

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

I like working inside heads that aren’t quite functioning on the right level. It’s why Pepe wrote so easily and why I have such a fun time with characters like Charlie, Cricket and Cassidy. It’s cathartic to me for so many reasons. Also, any occasion where I can stick a real-life drug anecdote in makes me very happy. And who doesn’t enjoy serotonin? 

[doorsclosingslowly]

A Private Sunrise

Ever since Jesper found out he’s the Sun Summoner, he’s been on the run. Well, sort of. He got side-tracked in Ketterdam, but now that Kaz is talking to Grisha of the Second Army, his five-year reprieve is over. Or is it?

7.8k | Kaz/Jesper, pre-Kaz/Jesper/Inej | content note: explicit sex

Jesper’s already in position when the tell-tale clacks of the cane herald Kaz’ arrival. He’s hidden behind the cracked-open door inside of a sick sleeping widow’s house, with a clear getaway path out the back, just within earshot—the perfect spot to find out just how his boss plans to sell him out.

The meeting’s on the docks in Fifth Harbour. Out in the open, but safely within Dregs territory, and in the old well-functioning part of the area that’s used for trade in everyday goods besides. The boring part. Bustling when there are cargo ships arriving and leaving, but this early in the morning and right after a storm, there’s no-one here but Kaz’ new clients: two Grisha from Ravka in their proud blue keftas, conspicuous and unafraid. Soldiers of the Second Army. Emissaries of the Darkling, on the hunt for the Sun Summoner, and they’ve finally caught up to—

Kaz is shadowed by Anika. Hers would have been Jesper’s place, if he’d been around to get asked. If he hadn’t overheard the exchange between Inej and Pim thirty minutes ago and bolted to the meeting place alone. If he hadn’t been on edge for the whole day because it was clear Kaz had his claws in a lucrative offer that involved some sort of fancy political parleying and yet he hadn’t told Jesper to clean his guns and stop drinking. Right behind Kaz’ shoulder, guarding his back, that would have been Jesper’s place.

And most likely, Kaz would have handed him right over.

Even Kaz, blind as he’s been despite the obsession with the Sun Summoner that started just a few months after Jesper joined the Dregs… but then it sometimes feels like Kaz is Ketterdam, and he always claimed his mother’s the harbour, and really it’s Ketterdam who got obsessed with the Sun Summoner. Trinkets everywhere, renamed bars, even plays based on hastily-written romance novels. A new gaudy cult. Kaz just followed his city, and his interest was always tinged with enough private wry amusement that Jesper could make himself believe it wasn’t any danger, that maybe Kaz didn’t actually think of the Sun Summoner as a real physical person that could be hiding right inside the Dregs. Faith is its own thing, after all. And he had faith that maybe Kaz just didn’t want to follow the clues to Jesper, because he knew this would happen, and he didn’t want his second dragged away in chains. Despite everything Jesper let slip, all those mistakes; despite that time Kaz found him passed out in a mercher’s cellar who’d earlier cut him into lighting up. Despite everything, maybe he wouldn’t find out. Jesper’s desperate heart hoped so.

Not enough to not spy on the meeting, though. Not even he’sgoing to continue staking his life on those odds.

Kaz was bound to catch a clue sooner or later as to the prize hiding right inside his grasp. With the right motivation, and the presence of Ravkan Grisha soldiers means Ravkan official business which means a reward from the deep coffers of the Ravkan crown…

Jesper’s been doing his best to hide, but if it’s his own mind against that of Kaz Brekker, yeah, he knows which one he’s betting on. He’s fucked. Obviously, Kaz knows. He’s Kaz.

So when Kaz starts talking to those Etherealki, niceties first obviously, yada yada yada, My time is not cheap, do not bore me with children’s stories, Jesper’s already heard enough.

He shouldn’t even have come here. He just wanted—but that’s stupid, the height of sentimentality and Kaz is going to smirk with that smirk he does when a particularly dumb mark walks into the most obvious of traps. Kaz is going to mock him when he hands Jesper over to the Darkling and collects his two hundred thousand million kruge or whatever, and he’s going to say, “You stayed in one place, with the Dregs, with me the criminal genius, for five entire years despite an international manhunt and a massive bounty and then, when you had advance warning so you could have escaped, instead you went to spy on the meeting hoping it would be a false alarm? Because you’re in love with me? With the Bastard of the Barrel who never tells you anything? Dirtyhands who’s bound to get bored of all your mistakes? Me, who can barely even tolerate you?” (And not all of that is true, Jesper knows he’s catastrophizing out of panic, but that still doesn’t mean Kaz would give up a fat reward for him.) “And you’re even greedier, because you love Inej too. She’ll choose me, you know, and I’ll choose her and the kruge, but you’re just so happy being a third wheel, aren’t you? Anything for those scraps. Well, thanks for the money.” Or something like that, anyway. Jesper’s Kaz impression is much better when he isn’t running. Or trying not to panic. It’s better out loud, too, when he can do the rasp.

(Fuck, the Kaz inside his head is mean. And yeah, Jesper does enjoy that kind of thing sometimes, but not… not when it’s his entire life on the line. His heart. Not when it’s everything he’s ever tried to deny is true, or is that the panic lying to him again?)

It’s just that this was home.

Ketterdam was his home, and the Barrel was, and the Slat… It was home, and after what happened to Da’s farm, he never thought he could have a home again. That cheap bar over there with beer that’s three quarters rainwater so it always tastes of the soothing grime of the rooftops, the mercher statue that’s a pissoir for a perpetually drunk night- and daylife… The house against which on the eve of last Fastebreek he sucked off a guy dressed in a particularly good costume of Matz Drescher, so good he almost looked like the real… so okay, he’s not writing a particularly good tourist brochure right now, but the point is. This was home.

Every single cobblestone he treads on on his way right back to the Slat, because he bolted off tonight nearly skint since he usually doesn’t carry around big sacks of kruge because the children of Ketterdam are impressive little bastard thieves and he’s too soft to break their thumbs and he’d just gamble everything away usually anyway… but now he needs to secure passage off Kerch and so he needs serious money, and that means he needs to go back to his stash before he leaves. Needs to waste precious time. And every stone. Every single house. It’s all calling to him to stay home. Because it was.

For five years, it’s been his home. Five years. Fuck. That’s longer by a factor of ten than any place he’s stayed in ever since people found out Jesper can shoot sunlight from his skin. Since he was a boy, lighting up a room with his stupid hands in his Da’s farm right in front an open window and loose-lipped neighbours. Five years, and now it’s gone.

He can’t even blame Kaz. Sure, Kaz is right now selling him to the Darkling and if Jesper’s got any luck left—he should have, because it all has to balance out, and today has otherwise been a shitshow, plus all those thousands of gambled-away kruge must count for something, right?—if he’s got any luck, if Ghezen starts giving a fuck and shows any mercy to his runaway saint, it’ll take a sweet minute until they can agree on a price because Kaz is a greedy bastard and—yeah, Kaz is a greedy bastard. And a superb haggler. He’s already got a good deal. He’s coming. Jesper can’t even blame him. He’s known all along that Kaz would sell his brother for a few kruge and still he went and fell in love with the guy. Because Jesper’s the stupidest person who ever lived, and honestly, can’t they make Saints out of people who’ve got it together a little more? Anti-Jespers, if you will. Because sure, Jesper’s a man of many talents, but mind-blowing sex and stellar wit and incredible beauty aren’t exactly—or at least they don’t feature prominently in Inej’s tales, and she’s the premier source of sainthood in his life, so—

He’s panicking, and it’s not even the good panic of a fight, the kind of panic that makes everything sharp and clear and narrows the world to the gun and the target. The panic that orders his thoughts. That keeps him on track. This is cornered animal panic. Everything solid’s dissolving into air around him, inside him, and he can’t hold the gas in his fingers, can’t hold onto home, onto friends, onto his brain. His thoughts are flickering even quicker than usual, and they’re even more useless.

He’s losing it, both figuratively, and, well, actually. It. He’s losing it. He’s losing everything. If only there was something he could cling to, something soft, but he’s completely and utterly alone now. And forever. He’s lost both Kaz and Inej.

At least he’s finally arrived at the Slat. No-one stops him when he goes in (though really, why would they? It’s the going out again part that might get tricky) and no-one even talks to him when he dashes to his room. There’s two empty bottles of his favourite rum in front of Jesper’s door that he didn’t put there, but that’s a mystery he will carry forever. What should he—but actually, getting to his room was pointless, even if it’s full of a million little trinkets and some shirts he really wants—but Kaz is laughing at his sentimentality from somewhere in the harbour, a private little rumble that usually Jesper would give his left pinkie to have caused, but—anyway, no. He doesn’t have enough money in his room to pay for last-minute passage. Six months ago, he started dipping into his emergency escape fund to pay off gambling debts, and there’s not nearly enough left. Stupid Jesper. He felt too safe. Somewhere, Kaz is laughing. Kaz, who’s surely got enough squirreled away…

And yeah, breaking into Kaz’ office and bedroom is a challenge and, even worse, a violation of trust, but either Jesper gets on a boat or Jesper gets on a boat, this time shackled to within an inch of his life and flanked by dour Second Army Grisha on the way to a militaristic creep, so Kaz’ rooms it’ll have to be. He’s watched Kaz lock the door often enough. Breaking in won’t be easy or fun, but then, this isn’t the night for either.

In the wood next to the doorknob, someone scratched a tiny blessing of the Sun Summoner, and Jesper’s still not sure what Kaz believes (he talks of the Sun Summoner enough that everyone in the Barrel knows of his interest, but that could just be—and anyway, he’s working with the Darkling to sell out Jesper. Whatever he believes of the Sun Summoner, he believes in kruge more. But sometimes, on desperate jobs in deep dark cellars when they’re alone and the last light’s flickered out, Kaz will say, “The Sun Summoner could illuminate this—” and Jesper’ll cringe away lest he accidentally does what Kaz asks) but anyway. Jesper’ll never know. He’ll never see Kaz again. And it was probably Inej, that blessing. Kaz’ fascination with the Sun Summoner’s always had a weird edge, as if it’s a joke only he’s privy too, and that’s made Jesper feel safe, but. Maybe it was at his expense. Maybe he was taunting Jesper—

Please please please, Jesper keeps begging the door while he jiggles the lockpick because the stress is actually making him lose his mind, please I don’t want to betray him I just want to live, and when that doesn’t work, he shoots the lock until it gives in. Crude, desperate, not his style—but then, his life’s over. Why should he even care about being a good thief anymore?

The office is the more promising room in terms of small hidden sacks of kruge, but it’s also the place that Jesper’s already been inside, and the bedroom—well, it’s dark. Blacker than the night. Blacker than Dirtyhands’ soul, people would say, and Jesper almost laughs, but. Focus. No hysterics until he’s on the boat. The dark’s unnatural, deeper than the night was outside, almost like the Darkling—but it’s just some sort of specialty extra heavy black curtains, and when Jesper’s pulled them aside to let the moonlight in, the room just looks ordinary.

Well, slightly bigger than Jesper’s room, enough for a small bed and a wardrobe and paintings Jesper only recognizes because some mercher or other made a big stink about losing them and a dinky old chair and a set of storage racks, piled with—seriously? Okay, Jesper actually likes that book. In it, the Sun Summoner’s a young woman plucked from an orphanage, caught between duty to destroy the Fold—or is it duty? She’s manipulated, so—but anyway, she’s caught between duty and love. Of course, she chooses love. It’s a bit sappy, but Jesper likes to think he would, too, if he got the chance. But of course, his loves are not a devoted childhood friend but Dirtyhands and his Wraith, and they’re gonna sell him out. They already have. He’s not going to choose despairing self-sacrifice on the altar of their greed, and, well. Going against duty and love for cowardice and self-pity and gambling doesn’t sound nearly as good. It’ll have to do, though. It’s all he has left. He moves on.

A statuette and some trinkets and knives and more terrible cheap books about fake Jesper and—oh, this is too good. This is actually hilarious. A Saint in Ketterdam, or The Misfortunes of Virtue is the worst of them all. Out of all the books that appeared in Ketterdam in that weird craze for Sun Summoner pulp fiction that started three years ago and nearly gave Jesper a heart attack, it’s the most ludicrously verbose and metaphorical, and the most downright pornographic, so much it makes even Jesper blush, and Jesper’s seen some shit. Once. He didn’t know she was into coprophilia, okay? But the point is, it’s full-on detailed and depraved. It also does Jesper—well, the Sun Summoner, but they’re one and the same which is in fact the root of every single one of his problems—a huge disservice. The sister, he could see himself as: gay, wanton and unprincipled sounds about right, but a naïve virtuous maiden unwittingly seduced? The corruption of innocence? He’s no good for that kind of fetish. He gambles, okay. He has guns. He knows what sex is. He’s had lots of it. Most of it even good. Spectacular, actually. He wasn’t even that much of a pigeon when he first stumbled into Ketterdam, or Kaz wouldn’t have swept him up into the Dregs so quickly.

Really, the only redeeming factor of the book is Matz Drescher, the villain. Seductive and hot and thinly patterned on… oh, he owns this book and the veiling is thin as gossamer, of courseKaz knows that it’s supposed to be him. Bulked up and far more touchy and the writer fucking robbed him of his limp and he’s not nearly as deadpan funny, but with enough of a squint and enough wishful fantasizing, the vile King of Ketterdam might be Kaz, a little grown up and ready to fuck. He’s the only reason Jesper can quote some parts. But sadly, Kaz’ copy doesn’t even have those thin-page-crinkles of a well-used book, so he definitely didn’t appreciate certain scenes the way Jesper did. At least the sequel’s nowhere to be found. What it did to Kaz—well, Matz, and anyway, what kind of lust-killing come-one is Why is there straw laying around here? anyway? Who the fuck would be seduced by—except he can think of a couple scenarios where—focus, Jesper. Kruge. You’re looking for kruge. So you can escape. Stop panicking. Stop distracting yourself from panicking. Just stop.

Being inside Kaz’ bedroom is doing weird things to his brain, but he has to—

Fuck.

Soft dark eyes on the windowsill. Set in a soft face, dark layered clothes, and, thankfully, no knives out. Yet. Still. Inej.

Inej.

She’s caught him.

Caught him rifling hastily through Kaz’ collection of Sun Summoner paraphernalia, not his coins that he still hasn’t found yet, but still. She’s the favourite, and she has her favourites, too. If there’s a choice between him and Kaz, he knows which way she’ll go. So if she’s here, she surely knows what Kaz has in store for him and she’s going to—

“What are you doing, Jesper?” she asks, gently, sadly. He’s never before thought her cruel, and yet—if at least she was gloating, he could try to fight his way out and be at peace with it.

“Just let me leave,” Jesper begs instead, guns in his hands and blinking so the stupid tears stop blurring his eyes. He could aim blind, but—he needs to see. Needs to see if there’s any chance he gets out of this without hurting her. And Inej is soft. She’s good. She’ll do it for Kaz, do anything, but—she likes Jesper, and so he needs to not cry. It’ll hurt her too much if she knows he’s in pain while they betray him. “I won’t even get far. You know the schedules of every boat leaving Ketterdam, but just let me try, please. Just let me—”

“Jes.”

She’s not making it easy. She still doesn’t have a knife out yet; she’s just sitting on the windowsill looking worried and kind and beautiful. Oh, Inej. Jesper knows she believes in the Saints. Maybe if he made her believe in him and then asked her to let him—but no, he can’t make her choose between her faith and Kaz. He wants to live and be free, but he’s not that cruel. Or is he?

Jesper’s not survived nearly seven years of hiding from the most powerful Grisha in existence and the entire country of Ravka and every kruge-drunk idiot who fancies himself a bounty hunter by being kind or by hesitating. Hesitating isn’t his thing in general.

If Kaz had sent anyone else to drag him to his doom, he’d have put a bullet in their chest before they could even say his name no matter how much he likes them, but this is Inej. The scared young girl newly clad in Barrel garb that he tried to impress—but mostly to entertain, to lessen her fear, by trying to climb after her onto the roof of the Slab and then, because Inej’s a human anti-gravity miracle and following her was definitely way harder than he expected, nearly falling to his death. She’d caught his wrist, just in time, and then patiently pushed his legs to foothold after foothold so he'd climb back down safely. Inej, the woman who gives him a heart attack every second day by mysteriously appearing right in front of him, just because she can and because she still thinks it’s funny. Inej, who leaves food and water on his windowsill on the anniversary of the day when Jesper got his Da killed and makes excuses (to Kaz!) for his two-day benders. Inej, who ducks her head at his jokes. Inej.

He can’t hurt Inej. That’s why she’s here. Kaz knows he can’t.

At least she doesn’t look any happier than he is. “Whatever trouble you’re in, Jesper, just get out of this room and go to sleep. Get blackout drunk so he won’t suspect a thing,” she entreats. “I won’t say anything. I’ll help you. I’ll get you the money. Kaz doesn’t have to know.”

“Unfortunately, Kaz does know,” comes a dry rasp from the doorway, and Jesper’s trapped in the middle of his two favourite people in the entire world. It feels like a waking nightmare.

Love is a cruel master. He should have shot Inej and run when he had the chance.

“We were simply testing your security,” she says, like an absolutely atrocious liar who’s already realized there is no point in dissembling, and then suddenly Inej is standing right in-between Jesper and Kaz. It’s a tactically stupid move, because now he can throw himself out of the attic window, but he doesn’t jump to his death because—well, Inej’s protection won’t change his ultimate fate, and yet—he doesn’t want her to watch him jump. He’s stupidly, embarrassingly grateful she doesn’t want him to get hurt. He’ll remember this, when he’s locked up deep inside the Little Palace. He’ll remember Inej trying to shield him. Fuck, he’s going to miss her.

Kaz, though, doesn’t even raise an eyebrow. Not at Inej’s blatant teleportation (how is she real?), not at her lie, not even at the fact that Jesper completely betrayed him and broke into his bedroom. He looked tense at first, but then he always is, and now his shoulders are drooping slightly and his words are calm and measured even if they also absolutely make no fucking sense whatsoever. “You’re accompanying me to the parley with the Razorgulls tomorrow, Jesper,” Kaz orders, as if nothing about this night had happened at all. “Do not be late again. We all know what happened tonight. I had to find Anika because you decided to get blind drunk even though you knewyou had a job to do—”

And that’s news to Jesper. He didn’t have any orders yesterday whatsoever, and yeah, he drank a little last evening before he heard Inej and Pim talk about the Grisha—the Grisha who wanted to talk to Kaz in a meeting he definitely was never officially informed about, but—could he have forgotten—no, he didn’t miss anything. A stupid part inside Jesper really wants to believe Kaz when he’s talking with that much conviction, but he’s fucking lying. For no reason Jesper can understand. He’s—

“—and don’t deny it, everyone’s seen the bottles—”

Right, the rum. The empty bottles of rum outside his door that Jesper definitely didn’t drink. He doesn’t even have the money to buy them. He’s broke. That’s why he’s still here.

“So you’ll have to make it up to me, of course. I cannot have a second who gets dead drunk on a day he is supposed to be at work, but I won’t demote you just yet. Anika isn’t as good a shot as you and I need a gunslinger for the Razorgulls. But only because tonight was a waste of time anyway—”

Wait, what?! Jesper hardly dares hope—

“—and you’ll help Kerstjen practice her card dealing, too, however hungover you are. It’s your punishment. Eight bells sharp, later this morning. Do not disappoint me again.”

“Tonight was a waste of time!?” Jesper asks breathlessly, and then mentally kicks himself. The man he’s pretending to be who definitely isn’t a mythic Grisha hunted for profit by half the entire world has no reason to sound that eager.

Luckily Kaz seems to miss his mistake, though, because he just explains, “It seems the military command of Ravka have read one too many novels and lost their grip on reality. I wouldn’t have expected it, but then, merit and brains hardly factor into promotions in Ravka, I suppose.” He looks very pleased with himself when he primly adds, “So I had to explain to them that pornography is not, in fact, real. We all would like to see the Sun Summoner, but here in Ketterdam, seduced by a rakish criminal? That’s ludicrous. The book isn’t even good. Every single person in Ketterdam could have told them to stop announcing they’re perverts in public. ‘Have you seen the Sun Summoner in Ketterdam?’ Please, there are children here. They left.”

It’s too good to be true. Far too good. Wait—

“Back to business. This morning, since you’ll be gambling with Kerstjen on my behalf and will inevitably get distracted by another game, you can have a tab of a hundred kruge. No more,” and—

Fuck. Even terrified and utterly flummoxed as he is, Jesper can’t help himself. “Kaz, are you bribing me to go to work?” he teases.

“Do I have to?” Kaz asks, but he still looks far too amused. His stare is intense and tearing right into Jesper’s soul, and—he knows.

The bastard knows.

Jesper’s face burns. His most awful secret, and of course Kaz knows it. He’s probably always known. Jesper, for five entire years, was hiding right next to the most terrifyingly clever man in all of Ketterdam. All of Kerch. The world. Of course Kaz knows, and now he’s taunting Jesper. Taunting Jesper by pretending everything is okay and that he sent the Ravkans right back home when he could have gained a million thousand kruge by handing over their Saint. Kaz looks weirdly happy while he’s telling a completely made-up story about a world where Jesper gets to have good things too, and nothing makes any sense whatsoever.

Jesper shoots a glance over at Inej, but she looks just as lost as Jesper is right now.

He should—Jesper could play along now with Kaz’ pretend ignorance, and maybe Kaz isn’t just totally toying with his heart, maybe the Ravkans are gone, but even if it’s okay for a while… the next guy will come for the Sun Summoner and they’ll be right back here and the only way out of this is though. He swallows. “What are you talking about, boss?” And so Kaz can’t just spin more bullshit, he presents Dirtyhands his naked, shivering heart. “You know, right? You knowabout me.”

“Don’t be stupid, Jesper,” Kaz says. “The Sun Summoner’s a living Saint. He has dignity. We both know you’re just an idiot. Absolutely no-one could mix you up.”

And that’s the last straw. The terror of the last hour, of five years with the Dregs, of nearly seven years of running and hiding and mourning and the absolute certainty he’ll end up caged somewhere in the deepest basement of the Little Palace for the rest of his life if he starts trusting anyone ever bursts out of him, and Jesper starts laughing. Sobbing. Whatever. “You knew. You fucking knew, you bastard, you knew all along.”

“Inej, close the curtains,” Kaz hisses suddenly, but Jesper’s too busy to pay much attention.

“You knew—”

“Everyone’s talking about the Sun Summoner now. Everywhere. Sightings, every year, every month, but it’ll turn out to be a woman playing dress-up or a child’s flights of fancy after an all-book diet. In five weeks, there’ll be an explosion that looks like sunlight. It will take months to determine that it was an explosive, but they will find hard evidence it was a fraud. They’ll get jaded eventually. They’ll never find the needle in this haystack,” Kaz rasps idly. “Maybe I’ll even set the explosion off in Fjerda. The bomb’s very realistic. You’d like the guy who makes them. Wylan’s a very talented young man.”

“You did all of that—for me?”

“A decent sharp-shooter is hard to come by. I had to protect my investment,” Kaz replies, like Jesper knew he would. But Jesper also knows he’s baldly, gloriously fucking lying.

Kaz doesn’t just give up a million trillion kruge reward for nothing.

But he did it for Jesper.

He should have known better than to believe he can predict Kaz fucking Brekker. He should have expected Kaz to turn his world upside down, to pull off the utterly unthinkable. To profane a Saint so he could disguise him in a sea of romantic stories and idiosyncratic cults. He should have trusted Kaz. He should never have believed his own insecurities about his place in Kaz’ life. By trying so hard not to underestimate Kaz’ greed, ironically, Jesper completely underestimated him in everything else. What a miracle of a man.

For so long Jesper’s been trying to understand what drives the Bastard of the Barrel, hanging onto every scrap of information, desperate to get close to the true Kaz and never managing, two steps forward and two steps back, and for every moment he’s been silently rejected, left in the dark or wondering if after the next mistake Kaz would wash his hands of him—for every hope dashed there was a conversation, a look, something that left Jesper wondering if Kaz actually did like him back.

It’s addictive, that kind of uncertainty. If you play that card, are you going to win or lose? Is it wise to bet on black? And the next time?

Jesper never could walk away from a gamble.

And now all his terrible luck at the tables makes sense. You don’t get unlimited luck, after all, and it turns out he spent all of his years ago, spent many lifetimes of it: Jesper was the luckiest person in the entire world the day he got Kaz Brekker on his side.

“I could kiss you, Kaz,” he bursts out and—

“Not necessary—”

—before Jesper’s brain has caught up to his feet he’s already clear across the room and grabbing Kaz by the shoulder.

Kaz flinches.

Fuck.

Fuck Jesper’s luck. Fuck his brain. Did he really have to fuck everything up now? But when he tries to pull his hand away it doesn’t move because wrapped around his wrist, holding him still, is a strong slim hand in a tight leather glove, and—

“Oh,” comes Kaz’ small, breathy rasp. “That doesn’t feel like bloated corpses.”

Some small part of Jesper’s brain that is greedy for anything Kaz will gave him wants to latch onto this frankly disturbing detail (why would Jesper’s hand on his shoulder feel like a corpse? What the fuck, Brekker?!) but a much larger part of him, equally greedy, wants to bask in his hand on Kaz’ shoulder—his own hand! on Kaz!—and Kaz’ hand on his wrist—Kaz’ hand! Kaz is still touching him!—for as long as he can.

The remaining, utterly horrified part has just realized that Jesper’s hand is glowing like a supernova.

He pulls away again, desperately.

Kaz’ hand is like a bear trap. It still won’t let him move. His voice, though, is still soft and small when he rasps, “You’re safe. Those curtains are Fabrikator-made. No light will penetrate them.”

And Jesper hadn’t even thought of that problem, because— “Kaz, I’m burning you!”

“It’s alright. You’re hot, but far less hot than I thought.”

“Ouch. That’s harsh, boss. Kick a man while he’s down,” Jesper jokes, because he can’t not, and—there are bright red splotches now high up on Kaz’ gaunt cheeks. The sunlight that—fuck, the light that Jesper’s shooting from his pores has turned his dark brown irises almost golden, and his pupils are blown wide. The light reflects too from whatever pomade he’s used to slick back his floppy hair into something severe. He’s flushing even more red from the heat, and he’s worrying his thin lower lip with his teeth. When he releases it, it’s bruised and slick.

He’s the most beautiful man that Jesper’s ever seen.

“You don’t need to—can you—” Kaz is pulling Jesper’s hand from his arm now, and Jesper’s already resigned to another rejection—it’s pathetic, but he’ll feed off this moment forever—but he’s not pushing but pulling Jesper’s glowing hand upwards, and then he pauses. Looks at Jesper, with uncharacteristic trepidation.

“Anything, boss,” Jesper gasps. “Anything you want. Anything. It’s yours.”

And Kaz pushes his cheek against Jesper’s hand.

It feels just like touching a normal human cheek. Except not, because this is Kaz’ actual physical bare human skinthat Jesper’s touching for the first time, and also because now he’s focused on the sensation his own hand doesn’t quite feel like his. It’s buzzing, pulsing, the sensory equivalent of glowing, but it’s also Jesper’s right hand that he’s had his whole life simultaneously and really, he’d love to sort this conundrum out, but he’s busy. He’s touching Kaz. Kaz Brekker. Dirtyhands. Kaz.

Kaz’ eyes are closed now. He’s pushing his cheek faintly, rhythmically, against Jesper’s hand—his cheek’s flushed but there’s no actual burns under Jesper’s fingers, thank everything, and he doesn’t look like he’s in pain. Although he is trembling, shuddering, shaking, so hard that it actually looks like he might fall over, and proactively Jesper gently pushes against his cheek so he starts taking jerky limping half-steps backward until his legs hit the edge of his bed and he sinks gratefully downward, hand still pulling Jesper’s hand against his cheek, a drunk look on his face.

“What do you want, boss?” Jesper whispers, swallowing down the suave seduction that is his area of excellence for something patient and gentle. It’s not a tone of voice he can imagine anyone ever having used for the Bastard of the Barrel, but it feels right, inevitable, when Kaz is underneath him so responsive and debauched from a single hand against his cheek. “We can just stay like this. You can have my hand forever. Or you can have my other hand too, wherever you like it, my mouth, anything. You know it’s yours.”

“It’s—so much,” Kaz whispers hoarsely. “Trail that hand down. No, the other one.”

Fair. Jesper should have known that Kaz isn’t going to let him have his right hand back considering his hand’s still clamped around the wrist tight as a vice. Jesper’s going to have a massive bruise tomorrow. Intense arousal, though, has always been great at turning sensations on their head and it’s no different for this pain. It just feels sweet right now. Promising.

And Kaz wants the second hand as well.

Kaz wants—

Kaz wants him.

It doesn’t even matter right now if it’s just because Jesper’s the Sun Summoner. For the first time, that power doesn’t feel like a curse anymore but actually, like his mom used to say, zowa. A blessing. A part of him, a blessed part that Kaz wants to be touched by, and anyway, Kaz is hiding him. Kaz has put years of work into hiding him, into constructing bombs and spreading rumours and bribing authors and making the Sun Summoner the butt of a thousand jokes, just for Jesper.

Some part of Jesper—the part that drives him again and again to the gambling tables when he can ill afford to lose any more money, the part that feels most alive with his guns in his hands—is thrilling with excitement. Not just because this is Kaz, whom he’s adored for years without any expectation of return, but because this is Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel, ruthless thief and violent killer and feared by all, far more terrifying and more lovely than Matz Drescher and alive, panting as he pushes his straining dick up to meet Jesper’s left hand.

This isn’t any kind of lewd fiction. This isn’t a boy in costume.

This is real.

This is Kaz.

This is Kaz that he’s bent over, and he isn’t anything like what Jesper dreamed of. He isn’t ordering Jesper to get down on his knees or present his naked ass on the bed, like he did in certain fantasies that Jesper allowed himself a moment to feel sad and pathetic about, once he’d finished wiping the come off his dick. He isn’t demanding his own pleasure, and even the light thrusting of his hips feels very polite. He isn’t saying anything. He’s biting his lips more often than not, and when moans manage to escape the walls he’s built they are small and breathy. He looks so sweet and so incredibly stunned that they’re here at all, and his eyes dart down to Jesper’s hand rubbing his prick through his trousers sometimes but they always come back up to Jesper’s face, as if he doesn’t want to forget for a second that this is Jesper he’s doing it with.

He’s still clutching Jesper’s other hand against his cheek.

Daringly, Jesper presses a small kiss against the wrist of the hand that’s holding him captive. He’s never kissed leather before. He likes it.

Loves it.

His back’s starting to cramp from the awkward stoop he’s doing to reach Kaz without touching him with anything but his hands, but he could do this forever, he could make love like this forever, he could—

Fuck.

Fuck.

Inej. He’s totally forgotten about Inej, and as turned on as Jesper is right now and as drunk as Kaz is on lust, on touch, on the willing explicit devotion of the most expensive Grisha in the world, whatever—as hot as this weird thing they’re doing is, Jesper should have made sure that everyonein this room is good with every single thing that happens. It’s his responsibility as a decent human criminal. No sex without everyone’s consent.

Kaz isn’t talking, but Kaz is fine; he seems more likely to break Jesper’s hand if he stops right now than if he keeps going, but Inej… It wasn’t just Jesper and Kaz in this room. Inej was here too, and he completely forgot about her.

He just started feeling Kaz up without a care in the world like the impulsive idiot he is, but he should have talked to her first, talked it out with both of them or given her the chance to leave, and he didn’t, and that’s bad. It’s horrendous. It’s the worst thing he’s ever done in his miscreant life, worse than anything he’s ever imagined himself capable of doing. Inej clamped up the one time Jesper jokingly flirted with her, way back long before he found out what happened to her at the Menagerie, and he just turned her into an unwilling voyeuristic participant. Fuck.

He cranes his head for her, subtly, because Kaz finally opened up and Jesper can’t spook him now, he can’t destroy both people he loves in one night, he just can’t, but—

She’s gone already.

Inej silently slipped out of the room and closed the door to the office that Kaz had left open, and if Ghezen has any luck left for Jesper, she did it a while ago.

Jesper’s erection has officially vacated the premises after that shock. Kaz is still hard, though; he’s still making lovely punched-out little noises when Jesper grinds the heel of his palm against his crotch, and—why stop now. What’s done with Inej is done. Maybe she left early enough, and if not—he still has the entire rest of his life to loathe himself. Just let him have this now; let Kaz have it, everything that Jesper can give him and more, and it’s not like either of them was making any use of Jesper’s dick in the first place. Who cares his arousal got killed. This is more than enough.

Just abusing the heat and pressure of the sun to give a handjob to Kaz Brekker. No big deal.

Kaz is as quiet when he comes as he was all along. Just his hips stuttering more and more and his breath growing harsh and his head turning to the side, away from Jesper’s hand that he’s still crushing in his grip, and then the front of his trousers turns wet under Jesper’s palm. (Jesper idly wonders whether he can use the sun to dry it again, but firstly it would just get stiff and also, sure Jesper himself likes it when he’s still sensitive after the orgasm and the stimulation’s so intense it hurts, but he probably has to clear that up with Kaz first before he touches him spent.)

Jesper stays right where he was, forcing himself to be motionless, unwilling to let the moment break yet, and it takes a long while until Kaz turns his head back.

His eyes are even brighter now, and sunlight’s reflecting in streaks on his cheeks, because he’s—crying?

“I didn’t think I was that bad of a lay,” Jesper whispers, just to pierce the tension a little.

“Shut up, Jesper. Fishing for compliments is beneath you. Your ego doesn’t need to get any bigger,” Kaz rasps out, his voice almost back to normal even if it’s still a little soft, and Jesper clings both to that softness and to the familiar rasp, prays this wasn’t a mistake, that he hasn’t just fucked up what he and Kaz had, and then Kaz drops back down onto the bed.

A few minutes later, he starts snoring.

“I should have known you’re that kind of guy,” Jesper grumbles fondly as he stretches out his cramping back. But really. How could he have known? The Kaz inside his head never let him stay afterwards, and the real one never even showed any interest before that he didn’t immediately contradict. And Matz Drescher from the book wasn’t realistic at all, it turned out.

“At least put on bedclothes. Lay down properly,” Jesper exhorts his sleeping boss—lover—Kaz, but he doesn’t dare do it any louder than barely moving his lips. It’s who knows how early in the morning, after all, and Kaz sleeps too little as it is. He can’t be comfortable, laying sideways at the foot of his narrow bed with his entire legs stretching off the edge, spread wide while Jesper’s still standing in-between his thighs, but also, if he wakes up, he might want to talk, and Jesper’s barely processed that what just happened was real let alone dealt with the tears and This doesn’t feel like corpses and the insanity of Kaz’ plan to protect the Sun Summoner by making him the star of a million romantic stories and the incredible, unexpected sweetness that is Kaz in bed. Plus, he’s probably super grumpy when he’s woken up. He’s grumpy at all other times, so it stands to reason.

Jesper, meanwhile, is still a lightshow, (though maybe it’s his wishful thinking but he looks dimmer than before he fucked Kaz), and as far as he knows this is the only room in Ketterdam with curtains that hide his presence. He can’t leave just yet.

So Jesper picks up the cane and leans it against the foot of the bed and then he sinks down to his knees between Kaz’ splayed thighs. Calming his breathing, basking in the afterglow, and then—bored. While he’s here lit up by his unwanted power, he may as well do some good. Heat is good for pain, right? Alternatively, etiquette demands he also clean off the semen, but Kaz definitely won’t like him fumbling with his trousers while he’s asleep. But simple Sun Summoner touch… Maybe Kaz won’t mind. He clutched that burning hand to his face as hard as he clings to sackfuls of kruge. And so Jesper softly touches Kaz’ bad leg, and, when Kaz shows no signs of waking, starts massaging the sunlight deeper into the muscle.

He doesn’t know how long it takes until the light fades. It does, though, finally, and as soon as it does he lets go. Corpses, after all. Wouldn’t want to wake him up like that, not when he fell apart over a simple touch to his cheek, and so in the unnatural safe dark of the Fabrikator curtains, Jesper stays kneeling like a saint before his silent god.

The door creaks.

A growing slither of sunlight bathes the floor, bathes still-snoring Kaz and Jesper before him, and hastily, he scrambles up, careful not to touch either of the legs around him. He scurries out the door and stops dead, right in front of Inej.

“It’s past seven bells,” she says. “If you want to get to the Crow Club in time you should start getting ready.”

“What,” Jesper says, intelligently.

“Kerstjen? The ‘punishment’ for your absence? He is serious about that, even if everything else was him messing with you.”

Oh. Right. Kaz did talk about something to do with her before he told Jesper he knew he was the Sun Summoner and that he’d been secretly scheming to hide him and was also madly in love with him, or at least liked the feeling of the sun on his face. Or his dick. Both. Focus, Jesper. Right. Kerstjen. And the hundred kruge tab.

And Inej.

“Thanks. But listen, Inej, I don’t know how much you’ve seen…” No, that’s not a good apology. “I’m sorry. I should have checked in with you. I knew you were in the room while me and Kaz—anyway, I should have stopped and made sure you were okay or given you the time to leave. I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“I slipped out when you touched his cheek. It seemed you were busy, and I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Inej’s words are light—and they lift a thousand heavy stones off his heart—but there’s something in her face that seems melancholy, that seems familiar, almost like… jealousy. Jesper’s always known that Kaz tells her more, that he trusts her more, that he loves Inej more than he does Jesper. He’s been jealous of Inej for so long. It feels wrong to see the emotion on her face now.

“I wouldn’t have minded if you’d stayed,” he says quietly. “If you’d joined in. I don’t know how Kaz feels about it, if there’s even going to be a next time, and it’s only if you want to, of course, if you want me too—”

“Jesper,” she whispers, touching something at her neck.

“—we really need to talk about this, talk about what each of us wants, but yeah. I’d like it.”

She nods. She’s smiling more brightly now, the sadness almost gone, but what she says is, “So. You are Sankt Jesper. Hiding right here in the Barrel.”

“Hey. I’m a really shit saint. I’m not meant to be locked in a palace—could you imagine depriving the good people of Ketterdam of this gorgeous face? A tragedy. Nay, a crime!” He winks exaggeratedly, and to his joy, she grins. “I plan to keep running from my responsibilities forever, and I’d really like it if you help me do it.”

“Kaz has everybody convinced already that the Sun Summoner is a character from awful books and that those who talk about him are delusional or, at best, perverted. So I don’t see how you need my help. But you have it.”

“Thank you. I knew you were my favourite for a reason, Inej Ghafa.” Jesper kisses her left hand softly, and when she glows with delight, her right hand too and then both her cheeks. “I love you.” He looks back into the bedroom, where Kaz is still half hanging off his bed, completely dressed in his mercher’s clothes and still wearing his coat, with a barely visible stain on the front of his pants and snoring softly. “I love you.”

[electricbluebutterflies]

Could you do an 'I didn't know I was pregnant prompt' where somehow Abby, who's a doctor and won't ever live it down, doesn't realize that she's pregnant until she's in labor. Possibly with it being conveniently when she's alone bar delinquents, and someone has to go track down Kane and inform him of what's going on.

Canon-divergent from early s3 ish. Also featuring Raven being awesome and Clarke trying not to have a breakdown, so hopefully I wrote those two darlings okay. Content warning for vague / non-graphic and questionably medically accurate descriptions of childbirth. PG13ish for that and also swear words. Also on ao3.

The thing about quiet is it doesn’t last. She should’ve knownbetter.

It’s been a year, maybe a little more than that. Time flowsdifferently here, but one of the kids – and Abby knows they are not that anymore,most of them are so much more capable than her, but in her mind they are stillso small – is pretty sure they saw a snowflake yesterday. So, bit more than ayear. And about a year since she broke down and let herself be reckless and…

All of this hits her in the worst way as she realizes whather body is doing. This pain is not cramps, but she can’t blame herself forgetting confused, it’s been a while since she’s had her normal cycle and-

Yeah. This is what she gets for ignoring her own body aswell as she does. Dammit.

The worst part is, Abby thinks as she paces across herworkspace because so help her she is not letting this nor anything else stopher, she justified everything. Her last implant had expired shortly after shewas widowed, and she’d passed on getting another one because she was on theedge of forty and had zero plans to ever let anyone else touch her and she didn’twant to waste resources like that, and she’d just… forgotten about that detaila year and a half later when she’d gone and taken a new lover anyways. With orwithout the implant, her cycles were always erratic and she stopped trying topredict that ages ago. Nausea got justified when she wasn’t the only person whoate bad meat (turns out mutant might’ve-descended-from-a-raccoon needs to be cookedlonger than that attempt was); a little weight gain because she iseating more, because that’s a possibility now. Said weight pooling in herabdomen is normal enough for a woman her age, right?

She justified everything, she was wrong, and now she is-

Fuck.

Okay, so right now pants are a mistake. They’re soakedthrough anyways, and somehow the idea of someone wandering in and seeing hernaked from the hips down is one of the less embarrassing details of this wholedisaster. Normal people have seven or eight months to process imminent parenthoodbefore it comes. She won’t even have that many hours. Supposedly births getquicker the more a person has had, and given her track record there…

Another wave of pain hits and she grabs the edge of the tablefor support. At least she’s having this crisis – she is trying to use everyword for it but what it is, and she will go through the guilt spiral later – inmedical. Ideal place for this nightmare. If she has to give birth on herown, as is looking more and more likely, at least she is doing so in a safeplace. That’s about the only thing going right here.

There is, after all, the small issue of her partner havingno damn clue about any of this.

Last she checked – and she tries not to hover, she is notthat kind of woman and their more recent trust in each other has eliminatedsome of her tendencies – Marcus is out on a hunting / scavenging daytrip. Whichmeans he may or may not be back before this is over. Either way, explaining howshe managed to be oblivious for close to nine months about something so significantis not going to be a good time and she is more than a little nervous about thatand-

Abby hears the door open behind her. Great. Now thenightmare is complete.

“Are you…” Raven, thank goodness, at least the intruder issomeone who occasionally has common sense. “Screw that, you’re not okay.”

“How willing are you to believe things right now?” Abbyasks, turning her head to look at her friend. Group bonding across generationsis rough, but she sees a different kind of potential in the younger woman thanmost people do. Like this one, if she doesn’t accidentally kill herself beforeshe turns thirty, has some serious untapped leadership potential. And moreimportantly right now, Raven is extremely well-connected and has a highertolerance for crazy than most people. So, again, ideal person.

“From you, pretty cooperative,” Raven shrugs. “What happenedslash who do I need to electrocute?”

“I somehow managed to ignore being pregnant and… it’scoming.” And saying it out loud sounds even more damning than realizing it herselfhalf an hour ago, dragging another person into this mess with her and puttingthat weight on someone who doesn’t need it. “Feel free to judge me.”

“Nah. Not sure what you need me to do but…”

“Get someone. Anyone. Nothing against you as a person but Ido not trust you to-“

Another contraction hits before Abby can sufficientlyexplain why she’d rather not have someone who interacts with technology betterthan people as her backup here. Great. If she factors in the number of timesthis has happened that she really did think were cramps, and how long it’s beensince closing her legs felt like a good idea… shit. Yeah no. There will be noexplaining this to her partner before it’s too late.

“What I’m hearing is radio your idiot and tell him to gethis ass back here as soon as humanly possible but do not tell him whybecause that’ll break him, grab the first person I can find who I’d trust tocatch something and send them in here to help you, and go through the storageroom and hope there’s still baby clothes in that one box I found some in lastmonth. Anything I’m missing?”

If Abby were more mobile, and/or felt less like her body wasabout to explode, she would hug Raven right now. “Yes. I… yes. Thank you.”

“And try to keep this on a need-to-know basis. Far as anyoneelse is concerned, you figured out you were incubating at a normal enough timebut you decided to keep quiet about it because you hate attention. That work?”

“I’m not sure that’s going to be believable when-“

“It’s believable if you’re a couple weeks before your duedate and you can pass that particular dramatic shitshow off as being more aboutthe timing.”

“I’m not sure if you’re an angel or an evil genius.”

“I’d like to think I’m both,” Raven laughs. “Now, if youthink you have enough time here for me to do that, I’m gonna go.”

Abby assesses herself quickly. Unless something somehow goeseven more wrong, she’s got at least half an hour here. “I’ll be alright.”

And again she is alone, she thinks as the door closes behindher. This is… not an absolute worst-case scenario, but pretty damn close. At best,she’s got a lot of explaining to do when it’s all over. At worst…

Describing this as an accident is a serious understatement. Therehas been no conversation about whether or not to have kids together. It neverseemed necessary. They’re older enough that the risk seemed so low, and therearen’t restrictions on that here, and she didn’t think…

She didn’t think. That’s what this all comes down to. A temporaryvacation from her normal instincts and look what that got her. No time tomentally prepare for a tiny vulnerable creature, no time to think about theimplications for her relationship, no time to even find out if her partnerwants this enough to stick around for it, no time to-

Getting closer. She is not attempting to measure herself butshe can feel the process. Timing-wise, she probably is a few weeks earlyhere, in that comfortable space where that won’t mean any problems for thelittle creature and a normal person’s biggest concern would be not being quitedone with their preparations. Whereas she has done no preparations, whatlittle of her fate isn’t in her own hands right now has been entrusted to atwenty-one-year-old who has even less of a baseline for this, and-

It’s all too much, and Abby starts crying. Most confusedemotional release she’s ever had, not sure if it’s stress or fear or pain oranticipation or probably all of those at once. Overload enough that the nextcontraction feels muted by comparison, overload enough to overlook how uncomfortablethis all is.

It’s just a little ironic that this started bent over atable and it may well end that way too, at the rate she’s going. That’ll be funny,in a couple months when any of this can be, maybe.

She hears the door open again and this time multiplefootsteps, this time she is too exhausted to even turn her head, this time-

“Mom? What the hell?”

Limited options, Abby reminds herself. Limited options ofpeople she would trust to be her backup here, and her own – possibly soon to beolder? – daughter is one of them.

“Clarke, I can-“

“Raven filled me in,” Clarke mutters, sounding so familiarlydisapproving. Abby’s always thought her daughter takes much more after her latehusband, but sometimes there are familiar flickers in there. “You basicallyneed me to catch it.”

“Basically, yes. There should be some towels in-“

“I know where things are. Learned my organization systemfrom you.”

“And I can grab stuff,” Raven adds. That would be the secondset of feet, the bright-red jacket Abby can see in her peripheral vision. “Iwould rather not see the nightmare fuel here but I can hold things or whatever.”

“Any luck with-“

Abby swears she can somehow hear Raven roll her eyes. “Wrongperson picked up, but we tried. The group at least knows something is goingdown here and hopefully I yelled enough to-“

The next pain is strong enough to blur Abby’s vision. “Nextone is it.” She’s amazed she can even talk clearly right now, but her presenceis not going away just because she’s in a crisis. She’s gotten through worse. Rarelybeen on this end of it, rarely felt so helpless, but she will not let anythingstop her. “Be ready.”

Around her, the girls attempt as much prep as they can. Abbydoes not know what they’re doing, does not think about it. There is only this. Thereis her, and the little creature that is about to exit her body, and her olderchild who is surprisingly calm about all of this, and another member of theirfamily who is at least trying to do the same, and a black hole where herpartner should be and-

She screams.

She lets it be a blur. She does not want to remember thesefew moments.

She knows one of the girls is hovering under her with alarge towel in hand, and the other one is yelling, and she doesn’t know whichis which and she doesn’t care. She knows that this is at least a familiar pain,and the first part is the worst, and the little creature – now officially hersecond child, she will let herself process that later – is slick andcooperative and how the child of two such stubborn people is so easy to dealwith in its first moments she does not know but-

“I have a little sister,” Clarke says somewhere in thebackground.

Abby wants to collapse. Wants to sleep for a very long time.She focuses on her body, on all the things she knows. There is still pain, waitingfor the afterbirth to come out. She suspects she’s torn but not as badly as itcould’ve been, and her breasts ache and at some point soon that too will beuseful, and-

She fades out. Exhaustion is a wonderful thing. She knowsher body will do what it needs to, and she trusts the girls enough, and… shecan’t do this anymore.

When she wakes up, she’s somehow been moved to the cot –which means someone else has seen her questionable condition, great, just whatshe doesn’t need – and she’s in a clean shirt and someone has placed cold clothbetween her legs to help the hurting and-

“You really didn’t know?”

She’s not awake enough for this shit.

Abby turns her head and yep, there is her partner (but howmuch longer can she call him that, she wonders) in a chair someone must’vebrought in, looking at her like he does not know where to start but he has alot of questions. It’s been a while since she’s had to interpret that look, andshe is concerned.

“I didn’t know,” she repeats. “You’ve known me since we werechildren, you know I can justify anything, I thought-“

“Alright.” And now for the scary-calm. That particularversion has evolved over the past year and a half or so, as Marcus has learned howto be more of a person, but she still knows it too well. He’s harder to readthis way, and more dangerous to those around him. “When I found out… I thought…”

“Do you really think I would’ve hidden this from you if I’dknown?”

“I had to ask.”

“I wouldn’t… I just went through hell,” she hisses. “Involuntarily.Again. And I wouldn’t have had to if I’d paid more attention to myself but youknow I don’t-“

“I believe you.”

She’s not sure she believes him right now, but she isstill too exhausted to move so that fight can wait a day or two. “Where is…” Shedoesn’t know the right word. My daughter? Ours? Which of those will hold longer?

“Raven’s looking after her. You needed to rest, and… I canlook after you here, Raven can keep the baby in her workshop except when sheneeds to feed.”

Abby rolls her eyes. Yeah, keep a newborn in the mostdangerous place in the settlement, great idea. On the other hand, Raven’sspace is at least warm. “And you’re…”

“Still processing,” Marcus finishes. “Someone tried to radious but we were a few miles out, and when we got back I didn’t have time tothink before someone shoved what looked like a bundle of towels in my arms and…”

“It is yours. If that was going to be your next question.”

“It wasn’t. But good to know.”

“I just… I ignored everything, and I…”

He reaches out for her hand, and even that feels like toomuch physical contact right now but it’s a nice gesture anyways. “I’m notblaming you.”

“Well that’s new,” she mutters. He’s been decent for a year,she should have more faith, but… “Are you going to stay?”

And now for the look of stunned horror, the wide eyes and haltedbreaths and for a moment she’s broken him. “Am I… how is that a question?!”

“You are aware how many bad choices I’ve made here…”

“You’ve always been a little impulsive,” he counters. “And stubborn.And usually right. And I don’t know why you think this kind of innocent mistakewould push me away.”

“It’s a screaming liability of a mistake?”

“It’s ours. And I want… if you want…”

“Yeah. You’ve never done this before. You do not realize thehell you’ve just volunteered for.”

“I’m with you. How bad could it be.”

He leans down and kisses her forehead, and the scratch ofhis beard is way too much, and… yeah. They’ll be okay.

[fallingsunflower]

So, I guess here comes the Camille ☕️ (if you wanna call it that)

Sorry in advance this gonna be a fucking long one.

If you have any questions just ask.

I honestly don’t know if I should be impressed or concerned that my brain still remembers so much details about this shitshow. But I guess their plan did work in the end.

So you asked about Camille. I honestly don’t even know where to start with that one. I don’t know for how long you’ve been a fan of Harry and how intensively you stan him, but this one send my bullshit detector right off in the same way that Holivia does.

Can’t really explain it but I just smell if something isn’t right. It’s not only that way with Harry but in general. I just KNOW if something doesn’t add up.

The reason hamille wasn’t overdone and ppl believe it was bc it was marketed to be real. It wasn’t for promo in the sense Holivia is or to be shoved in ppls faces. The point was to have a relationship to fall back on when his album came out to be the “long term relationship” described in the songs. To have a certain narrative if you want to call it that.

They only were papped 2 (+the time at the Classic East concert.) They went to really popular places where you only go to when you want to get papped.

Other than that they only posted „sneaky fanpics“ which was on purpose to make them look „private“ but they were anything but that.

I actually had saved so much stuff as proof till recently when I deleted it all bc it honestly has been 3 years and I didn’t think I needed it anymore to help me explain lol. And please don’t make the mistake of looking up Hamille timelines, bc they’re all created by shipper afterwards so 95% of the shit is wrong, in the wrong order or they added the wrong pics to certain events. (If you want to look for pics, specific dates and stuff look them up individually and NOT through shipper pages or similar shit.)

Alright, back to explaining why it was so obvious. Disclaimer: I‘m just gonna point out the most obvious things but there is way more.

Harry started following Camille back in June 2016. They have several mutual friends (Waseem, Alexa Chung, Matt Hitt etc) so I assume they‘ve met before. She didn’t follow back though till shortly before the „relationship“ started. So after Harry followed her in 2016 she started to tag him in posts of her and her friends ass and did that video moaning his name while grabbing her boobs (classy 🤢). Shortly afterwards Harry unfollowed for a while and started follow her again before the mess began.

Fast forward to 2017. After doing „Dunkirk“ and about to bring his debut album out they started the first attempt at what I call a failed narrative with Tess. Not gonna go over that again bc one anon pointed out right how fake it was. They got rid of her rather quickly after she posted several times from his house which wasn’t the „private way“ they intended it to go.

So they were looking for someone to replace her. Cue Camille entering the scene.

Perfect person for the narrative as she’s half french (goes well with Dunkirk promo), is a VS model, have mutual friends and she has several ex bf who have written songs/albums about her. She’s the picture perfect muse for his second album.

Please let’s first talk about chemistry and body language bc I can’t even say how awkward they always were around each other. First the two pap pics from the sushi place and in front of the gym/ yoga place: both times both had closed off body language either crossed arms, Harry walking 3 steps ahead, faces didn’t look pleased at all and rather irritated or as of they just had a fight/ were in the middle of a fight (especially the pic from in front of the yoga place). No touching or anything involved in any pap pics. If you didn’t knew they were supposedly „dating“ you wouldn’t see it.

Let’s get to their behavior at the „sightings“: they weren’t seen much together outside of touring. But when they were seen we got pics in like 95% of the cases and people meeting them always said they didn’t seem like a couple (apart from shippers who made up shit about them all the time).

Even in every „sneaky pic“ there was as much chemistry as in Holivia -> none!

We got a few pics or even videos were you could see them backstage or besides the stage (e.g. 2017 Toronto show: while Muna is on stage Harry and Camille stand awkwardly 3 feet apart from each other, both closed off body language, not interacting with each other. You’d think as they were still in their honeymoon phase at that time and in private, seemingly not knowing that anyone could see them that they acted more coupley or at least would not stand there like 🧍🏻 🧍🏻. (Have you seen him interact with Xander while watching 1D’s opening act? Total opposite to Hamilel and they were „just friends“. Also in other pics Harry would rather cling to her bag / coat etc that he was holding so he didn’t had to touch her or anything. I think the only time we saw them „touch“ was that Classic east concert („relationship debut“) when he awkwardly held her shoulders and she was swaying weirdly. She even tried to touch him or get him to sway with her but he shot that down immediately 🤣. I could go on for longer but you get what I mean...

The next weird thing is, that she was down in literally the pit or sitting with „regular fans“ 97% of the time. Without Harry’s bodyguard around. Sometimes Jeff was with her but mostly she stood there alone. Everyone knew that she wasn’t really popular and liked around fans, so why would you put your gf in the pit with all the crazys or why would you as a gf want to be in the crowd at most shows when you could watch from the side of the stage or backstage? Also the fact that we always knew when she was at a show because she was always „spotted“ even the few times she was indeed staying at the side of the stage, she didn’t stay hidden. Sometimes we even joked about how she wanted to be part of the band or something by how close she stood there in the open. But whenever Anne for example was on tour or close friends of his or whatever they always had someone walking with them for protection and Anne never was like „in the pit“ like Camille. She never followed any of Harry‘s close private friends or family. Only people who she could gain something from. Like Lambert, Jeff, Teasedale, the Crawford’s etc. And she was never at any of the London or Manchester shows where basically all of his friends and family were. Even though she would have had definitely time bc she posted herself and friends doing nothing or trolling in LA all the time in that time. When she was at that show in Paris in 2018, she brought her friend who lives in Paris and her cousin I think. We got backstage pics of them all and Harry and Camille staying as far away from each other in that pic as possible. She was seen leaving as well after that show with her friends out through the main entrance. This was also the show Anne was at and an awkward hugging video of them both came out. Tbh it’s not clear where Camille and co were sitting bc they moved around the arena the whole night. At one point you can see Anne and Camille standing next to each other and all of a sudden Camille was „hugging“ Anne but Anne was so surprised that she was just standing there like 🧍🏼‍♀️ and waited till it was over (that „hug“ looked more like as if Camille tried to tackle Anne 😂). Also serious question and not to make it sound weird, but it deadass looked in that video as if Camille just waited for a sign to go for that hug and that it was being recorded. Because the way the camera was pointing at them all of a sudden and they were just lucky enough to catch that on camera? Yeah sure...

Not to forget, she didn’t seem to have a lanyard like for example Anne had, so everyone would knew that she could move around the arena and crew as she wanted which is fucking weird not to have as a girlfriend especially if you’re apparently on tour for many dates. This also mean she couldn’t join them when she wanted but had to contact Jeff or Harry before so they could give her a lanyards for that specific date or a sticker with AAA. Sometimes she wore a lanyard but that was literally the VIP lanyard that you got when you bought a VIP ticket like any other fan. Didn’t mean she could move freely around the venue. Even weirder is that she put that AAA sticker on the back of her phone after she left tour 2018 and placed it obviously in lots of her insta stories and posts on insta (one where you can see that sticker is still up). Fan behavior not that of a real girlfriend!

Camilles mum followed Hamille shipper accounts at one point and liked a post of them. After that shippers were unbearable. Which mum follows a shipper account on insta? 😬

What I also find weird is that she was barely working and when she did she posted only like 2 about it. I mean it’s part of her job to post stuff like that?! But she went radio silent more often then not to let fans guess if she was with him or if she would turn up somewhere.

Her friends who are all are well in their 30s or older made often „jokes“ about Harry or implied stuff about him or 1D and posted this on their stories and she was laughing with them most of the time... what a girlfriend huh...

Another thing is, she was never at his house in London. Because she was never at any of the UK dates besides that one gig he did for X -factor. They were not much in London at the same time. And when she was alone in London or with her friend, they literally stayed at an AirBnB or a hotel. So I ask you, why would she as his gf of a few months not stay at his place while she’s in the UK? Or that one time when she was in the UK making it look like she was waiting for him coming back from tour in Asia and he stayed extra long there (a week or two) even after tour in Asia finished and she was in London. But he went rather out partying in London. I don’t blame him.

When she was at his show in Milan (2017) she met a „fan“ and they took a selfie in the restroom (classy 🥴🤐) during the concert. Idk but this is one thing which is really questionable bc people were speculating she was at this show but we hadn’t gotten pics yet. So that she then took a pic with a „fan“ coincidentally seems really fishy to me. Also that said „regular fan“ had allegedly floor tickets as you could see in the videos and pics she posted in the beginning of the concert. But after the pic with Camille she all of sudden appeared on the balcony as well, close to where Camille and more VIP guests were. So how did she end up there if she didn’t have connections or was told to take a pic with her so then being on the balcony was her „reward“? To add this woman was close to Camilles age so this scenario makes just less and less sense the longer you think about it.

In May she was still on tour with her then bf in Tokio. In July just two weeks before they were seen together for the first time that awkward Grimmy interview happened. Where he specifically asked about her. And Harry said he „ didn’t know her“. Fucking weird to bring up such a private topic on radio and then be seen not even 2 weeks later. (Not gonna argue on that one, it’s the same like the wedding weekend pap walk just more subtle).

Then there were so many pics of him backstage at that concert, pics with fans, official pics, „sneaky fan sightings“ in the audience... He looked rather uncomfortable holding her shoulders while she was dancing. We know Harry goes often to concerts but when did we ever get so many pics from one? Mostly it’s a blurry pic of him or one backstage pic with the artist, not like the ones we got and certainly not that many. Plus we got an relationship article the day after.

Funny is also how he was on vacation in Muskoka with the Gerbers and Anne at the end of July 2017 shortly before the first spotting of Hamille and Camille no where to be seen.

Now I‘m gonna point out inconsistencies and such might be in chronological order, might be not.

I think the next time we saw them was a „sneaky fan pic“ (just the two of them) without a source from Beverly Hills hotel at lunch. Her friend Lauren posted a instastory being at that hotel right then and there and deleted the story like 5 minutes afterwards. She wasn’t in the pic of the „fan“ so my bet is she was the one taking the pic.

Coming to the stunt props. The „ring“ he was suddenly wearing on his pinky was from Camille. She only wore it once for a photoshoot in 2013 and then all of a sudden she wore it in every story she posted for the next 2 weeks right BEFORE he was wearing it and literally made such a show out of showing that ring that it was so cringey to watch at.

Not to forget his Pink Floyd shirt that was featured in his Rolling Stones mag interview that she not only wore but posted a few instastorys with showing it up close so every Harry fan could identify it from the distinctive holes in it.

Funny was the times she wore „his necklace“ and again posted several stories wearing it and even went to an event with it that Kendall wore before. After people pointed the connection to Kendall out, she never wore it again 😂😂 Harry being papped leaving a gym while wearing Camilles ex shirt was peak comedy.

Camille making a post saying „goodbye“ to her friend Lauren before Christmas in a really distinctive fur coat. Then New Years dinner pics with Jeff, Camille and co came out. Harry looking bored as always around her. Then the weirdest thing: he took fan pics while holding Camilles distinctive fur coat in his hands in every fucking pic. And it wasn’t that cold to wear a fur coat! Why couldn’t she hold it herself while he took the pics or Jeff or put it on the chair beside him? That wasn’t really slick of them.

Then Camille having a girls trip to Corsica and literally posting so fucking often being girls only in cars an what not. Harry was in London out with Mitch and was also seen on other occasions so I assume he went to Corsica for maybe 2 days max to get pics in. (Her cousin/ goddaughter of her mum posted a pic with Harry in Corsica in 2018 from that time). Mind you they could have just „dating“ for maybe 5 week’s max at that time bc they were never at the same place at the same time before maybe late June, and that’s when Robin died and he was home so I doubt that’s when they met. I assume 1.st proper meeting was in early July or after the Grimmy interview.

Harry filmed the Manchester special for his album in Manchester literally right before he went to HC with Camille. Yet Grimmy, one of his best friends at least at that time, never followed her or hung out together.

The next thing is her being in Holmes Chapel. She hinted at it on insta, like she did EVERY time she would be around Harry. Also appearing in every pic of him in the background when she was around. Even posted a story of random people with Harry’s voice in the background. That’s also a point why it was so obviously fake.

She posted in a train and captioned it with something like „England ❤️“ and then a cow (similar to Olivia with the hedgehog and caption) and then appeared in every pic we got of him that weekend.

She turned up to several of his shows, yet NEVER to his hometown shows (neither London or Manchester) where all his family and friends were at. She also only followed people beneficial to her career like Lambert, Jeff and co but never anyone of his real friends or family even though Gemma followed her after Christmas 2017 (which was taken as the „proof“ that they spend Christmas in HC🤦🏻‍♀️ and we got this photoshopped pic of Hamille which turned out was an old pic of originally Harry and Gemma. Glenne also never followed her and Camille was also never seen with Glenne it was only ever Jeff around and people noticed that (probably why we got now the joyride etc including Glenne).

Ok so what do we have next? The charity gig where his mum celebrated her 50th bday with everyone wearing a yellow flower crown. Everyone besides Camille. She wasn’t invited and just was brought to them while Harry was already singing a song, Gemma looking annoyed in the video her friend posted. Before Harry’s set was over someone came and took Camille with them again while Anne, Gemma and co stayed in the crowd. So why was she even going to them and didn’t stay backstage if she clearly wasn’t invited to celebrate with Anne and co and left before Harry even finished his set. We got also pics of a bday dinner with Anne, Harry, Gemma and all the friends from the concert but without Camille. This was also the gig where he was groped on stage.

After that charity gig in late October Harry went to tour in Europe. He stopped wearing the ring and seemed happier than before somehow. I went to the Cologne show and let me tell you, it was fucking nuts! His energy and the way he was smirking all the time not to forget Kiwi twice.

You’d think Camille would have been quiet now on sm that Harry wasn’t around, but it was exactly the opposite! It was like as if she had to remind everyone that that „relationship“ was still „on“ after he ditched that ring bc she was literally unbearable on insta. We got her and friends singing SOTT on karaoke (while she was wearing the Kendall necklace like mentioned previously), then she did a whole photoshoot (sorry but that’s just what it was) with her friends Djuna + Nik whit a very distinctive blue totebag Harry was carrying around just a week or two before while meeting fans in LA and she did the same thing like she did with the ring and posed with that bag in every angle. As if all that wasn’t enough in the space of 3 days she then celebrated Halloween with her friends and 2 or 3 of them wore costumes that reminded of 1D and Harry. All this happened between his cologne show and Halloween. Trolling at its best.

Then Camille decided to turn up to tour in Europe but she didn’t choose days when he actually had time off (even though she evidently didn’t do anything in LA besides trolling the last few days) so she decided to pop up when Harry had shows back to back and needed to travel to them as they were all over Europe. He had two more Berlin 7.11. and an event in London on the 6th) before she turned up on 8.11. in Amsterdam where she met Ella his cousin who followed Camille then (but Camille never followed back), 9.11. Italy x-factor, 10.11. Milan , 11.11. London X-Factor). He clearly didn’t have any time then which gets even more ridiculous if you know that she was back in LA by Monday the 13th the latest bc a photographer „exposed“ her being on set early that day. So why did she even bother turning up to tour that time when she could have done earlier and be at his homeshows?

Another thing is, when Harry went to NYC at the end of January 2018 to perform with Fleetwood Mac he didn’t take her instead he took Jeff and Xander was there as well. But no Camille. Right before was one of the rare times they got papped. Harry as always looking irritated around her. And them looking as if the soccer mom collected her son from practice😂

On his b-day her friend Lauren posted Camille chilling at their home reading and hanging out with her. Harry was officially MIA but a good friend of mine actually saw him while walking her dog the next day in Hampstead rather covered up with another guy (assuming his trainer or PA) trying not to be seen. She is not a huge fan of Harry and only knows him bc I‘ m a fan but she texted me right away saying something was weird about how he was trying to not be seen.

And on cue allegedly someone (real estate Agent from London) said he was on her flight to London over a week later (even though I knew he was already there for a while).

So the last time they were actually seen together was the day they were papped (I think that was even the day of the Grammys).

Then the thing about her quitting smoking bc she was „ dating“ Harry 🤣🤣. The way she even lied about that. She posted a video and made a few instastorys throughout that year to say how long she didn’t smoke at that time „bla, bla, bla“ and Harries ate that shit up. She was caught so many times lying in regards to that. Her friends and co were the ones to always expose her accidentally. She appeared in so many stories in her friends stories were she smoked a cigarette and not „just“ a juul like she always liked to pretend (not that a juul would be any better lol). Harry probably didn’t like it when he had to be around her for longer periods of time and she would smoke around him or smell of smoke so she had to pretend she cared for his sake and quit publicly. To say is also that she publicly started smoking again after she came back from tour end of March/beginning of April 2018.

Now speaking of the big tour in 2018. Camille seemed to had joined tour again at some point. She was at the Paris show like mentioned earlier but then only joined tour 2 dates or something later in. Someone „exposed“ her of staying with friends in each city she went on tour with at that time instead of staying with him. I think he also got fed up with her bc Harry & band + some of the crew went to museums in each city. But of course Camille had to post something every time they were at a museum and so it didn’t take long till fans caught on and turned up en masse in these museums so he couldn’t go there anymore. I would have been pissed too if I were him. And girls who’s dad is the director of one of the museums did meet Harry at the museum and he invited them to the show and backstage. These girls said Harry and Camille didn’t look or behave like a couple at the museum, he was mostly around the band and she on her own. And backstage the same thing. She was kinda just there and nothing more. Not long after that she left tour and only turned up at the Ireland show and then later the NYC and LA one.

Speaking of the Ireland show, that must have been the most awkward thing ever. I saw a few videos from people who did constantly film the side of the stage and she is staying alone there with the sound guys while Mabel was performing and Harry was standing backstage with Jeff and the band, watching Mabel and preparing for their prank they did on Mabel.

Twice Harry is walking past Camille and didn’t even acknowledge her. She was once again just standing there. You could almost feel bad for her, but only almost. Then he went to prank Mabel on stage with the rest of the band and was so affectionate with Mabel something you never saw him be with Camille.

After that show the trolling did turn down a bit for a while but like 2 days before the concert she posted a Mick Jagger pic and everyone knew she would turn up in NYC. And she proved us right bc she posted about being on a plane the minute she stepped foot in said plane 🤦🏻‍♀️. At the show itself she was in the crowd/pit with with Xander, Waseem, Matt Hitt & Jeff but Jeff had to fetch her again a lanyard at first for that day bc she still hadn’t one although allegedly „dating“ him for nearly a year at that time. You’d think she had one for the whole tour but nope. And after the concert Harry was once again out with friends while she stayed with another friend in NYC. Between the NYC and LA show she was seen being cosy with Alexander Skarsgard and then her now bf Theo Niarchos. To the LA show she turned up with Djuna, Nik and another friend. All of them sat up pretty high in the nosebleeds while Kendall and co where in the family and friends lounge right above pit. And Camille and co left a little earlier before the show finished and left through the front entrance. Suspicious is also that the „break up“ was announced like exactly on the year mark of the start their „relationship“. Sorry that I wrote so much. And I probably still missed a lot but I hope it’s gotten clear what I mean.

I'm still reading this through but wanted to post for those asking about it!!

Thank you!

[dinnfameron]

Are you ready for the one thing literally no one asked for or wants? Good, get ready for some Booker discourse.

And also just my thoughts in general re: the source material.

Ok so i just finished reading the old guard: opening fire, & jesus FUCK did they leave out a whole hunk of Booker's backstory.

So in the movie i think he says something about dying while fighting under Napoleon which.... yes & no. Booker was a counterfeiter who was conscripted into Napoleon's army rather than being sent to prison. (He had served time in prison before this btw.) So Napoleon invades Russia & if you know anything abt that then you know it was not a fun time for anyone, maybe particularly the French. Because the Russians are fueled by pure bitter hatred & would rather destroy their own fucking country than surrender it to an invader. So that's what they did: they burned everything as they retreated. Which meant the French had nothing to eat.

Many many soldiers starved to death, & many others deserted, which is what Book did. Andy said he freely admits deserting... he was freezing & starving & didn't even voluntarily sign up for it in the first place.

So he gets caught and he gets hanged for desertion. Only surprise surprise, it doesnt take. Booker is smart enough to fake it, though, so the army will leave him alone.

Except they decide to make camp there for 3 fucking days. So poor Sebastian le Livre is hanging, not dead (or possibly dying over & over? Its unclear.) for 3 goddamn days waiting for the army to break camp. When they're gone, the crows come to eat the dead bodies, and Booker catches one & fucking eats it raw because, you know, starving.

So yeah, if you're wondering why Booker is such a shitshow of a human being, um. I'm gonna say that whole situation was a factor.

Andy also says he's the only one of them who understands technology. It's like his thing. Which if he's a counterfeiter & a book collector that actually makes sense? He appreciates info systems & knows how to break them down & fit them back together. (Not that he really does much with this knowledge because, y'know, shitshow.)

I'm also pretty sure he's the only one in the film who wears a watch? So that's a nice little nod to the character.

- Also Joe & Nicky's original death is amazing & epic & I neeeeeeeed it if there's a sequel because they basically just kill each other over & over & over for like an entire day? Or longer? And they're surrounded by hundreds of dead bodies because it was a whole ass battle & they're the last two standing? And they keep waking up in each other's arms except it's because they killed each other & then they just do it again? I loooooove them.

- Also this exchange just after Andy's "signal" in Paris:

Booker: Good?

Nile: No, but fuck it.

Booker: Yeah, you'll fit right in.

- Andy also teases Book for being French army like it doesnt really count lmaoo.

- Joe calls Nicky babe, i'm fucking sent.

- The van scene goes down exactly like it does in the movie except Joe's speech is even longer & gayer.

-Andy envies Nile for having a picture of what her family looks like.

-I also need Achilles to have his own movie.

-Nile was planning to study art history when she got out of the service. She used to watch antiques roadshow with her mom. :''(

-Joe & Nicky's full legal names (at least currently) are Joe Jones & Nick Smith lmao. This is even funnier when you realize Booker is the one in charge of the cover identities, like he's literally doing the bare fucking minimum at this point.

- Merrick is even more of a fuckboy in the comics. He stabs Nicky & Joe a whooole bunch of times.

- Andy is over 6700 years old. Meaning she's literally older than domesticated cats.

- Andy actually figred out that Booker was the judas in paris, but wouldn't admit it to herself. I like that bc it seemed obvs in the film so i wondered why Andy wouldn't have figured it out.

- I actually liked the whole 3rd act of the movie better than the book.

-Also Nile doesnt meet Joe & Nicky until the end of the comics so im v glad we got more interaction with them in the movie.

- The bit where they decide what to do with Booker takes place in Malta. So yay for Joe & Nicky on that one. <3