#doctor appt tomorrow (and have to change meds)

[terrasu]

Was supposed to make apple quiches tonight but do not have the energy...

[amusementofaprincess]

I have my appointment with my new psychiatrist tomorrow.

It’s exclusively telehealth which is weird for me. I honestly just hope she listens and will not change my meds up too much

Then next Wednesday I have an appointment with an allergist to hopefully figure out why I’m allergic to like 10 different antibiotics (specifically in pill form) and hydroxyzine (but only when it’s green)

THEN the Thursday after is my appt with a new Dermatologist. I’m not super looking forward to that one - she doesn’t have great reviews but if I hate her I’m the waitlist for the doctor I want.

I hate doctors appointments

I hate new doctors

I hate that I can’t take my Zyrtec from Sunday onward.

[whentherewerebicycles]

hey look! my favorite roommates!

day 2 of keeping my phone out of my room after 9pm was a success… I fell asleep reading at 10:15 and woke up right before my alarm clock at 6:15, then was able to get up right away and work from 6:45-8 instead of crawling back into bed to 😴 I did just get back into bed but that’s only because I got a big chunk of work done and have earned a little lounging around time before I shower & get ready for meetings. I am also in better spirits today hooray!! still feeling so nervous about the ultrasound friday (I have this fear that the meds didn’t work and I’ll have to skip the IUI this cycle) but liz arrives tomorrow morning for six days and that will make me so happy & joyful it will cushion any bad news. although I sure HOPE the meds worked because my mood swings have been wild this week and that better mean the necessary chemicals are swirling around in my body/brain!!

here’s the day:

up at 6:15

6:45-8 work

8-9:30 lounge, emails, etc

9:30-10:30 shower, get ready, complete more sections of this module

10:30-11 AS mtg

11-11:30 RB mtg

11:30-12 new hire mtg

12-2 write letter

few small chores: order walgreens print, fold laundry, deposit check

2:30-3 eye doctor appt again because they gave me the wrong prescription last time sigh

3:30-4:30 walk dogs for an hour & listen to the first period on the radio. DURING WALK I need to call the grocery store because they forgot half my order but still charged me for it

4:30-6:30 decide if I want to watch the rest of the game at home or watch/listen/ignore it at the gym. if I don’t go to the gym during the game I’ll go right after for 33 min elliptical time + 3 min running or stair climbing.

for dinner: roast more cauliflower + chickpeas and finish off the Bombay burrito leftovers

after dinner: clean kitchen, do laundry (towels blankets duvet), change sheets and duvet cover, vacuum downstairs + upstairs, scrub down bathroom sinks, spray & scrub down shower, tidy bookshelves, print out letter

put phone away at 9, read till 10:15ish, sleep, and then when I wake up it’s bff time!!!!!

[tyrianlynch]

Things might be starting to be less horrible, I will list evidence in the tags

[horce-divorce]

i have my Big appt w the Gender Doctor tomorrow... I've already had my letter and my "diagnosis" (fun fact: they actually asked me if it was ok to diagnose me w dysphoria or w/e, they seem to be aware of the controversy around pathologising language) as well as gotten my levels checked.. i am pretty sure this is the last thing is this big visit where he has to explain everything incl needles, get my consent, and all that shit

soooo... I think im about to start T????? scrreeeeee

lil rant about my nervs under the cut

im very nervous, more about my pharmacy & my family than anything actually related to T. ive had issues w the pharmacy just trying to get my birth control and normal meds (like they'd give me my meds but would straight up "forget" my birth control... very relevant: we have about 100 fundie churches in this town and some actual bona fide fundamentalists cults as well. its not a large town). plus theyve been constantly understaffed and have taken up to a week to fill my scripts. my friend a few towns over gets his stuff from WG and sometimes they give him the wrong needle sizes which seemingly is smth that happens to trans folks a lot... i am prepared to switch pharmacies and/or go running to corporate like a Karen if they give me issues, but i've never had to switch from walgreens before (only to a different wg?) so idk specifically what to do if that's the case

but anyway yeah. lil worried about pharmacy giving me the runaround. and a lil worried about my moms reaction. even tho she's been nothing but supportive, it still seems to surprise her when i talk about being trans. if I make a joke about how trans I was as a kid in hindsight, she's wont laugh along, she's kinda just like 😳 😳 and goes on w her day. but other times she'll bring it up?? one time she said something about "when youve got your van and are transitioning" like she doesnt think I'm transitioning right now lol. i think she's gonna be surprised to find out that im starting T now but fuck I waited 15 years. aint waiting any longer.

its just like. there is a non-zero chance she still has ties w folks from the west mich womyns music fest (good fucking riddance). we actually had a huge fight once (yearrrs ago) bc even in the midst of them going under BECAUSE of their transphobia, she kept trying to get me to support them "as a feminist."

so despite how supportive she's been and that she is absolutely trying I can just FEEL that there are still reservations she has that she simply doesn't want to talk about. she's not gonna tell me what to do w my body or any of my medical care. I'm an adult, and that's generally the rule in our house, but idk it's like. this tension in the air. i think she still separates my "being trans" from "me" in her head, and i think she does it w other folks too (my parents are HUGE fans of Eddie Izzard, esp her Dress to Kill special from back in the day. and yet cannot wrap their heads around her being trans. she's been out for like. 30 years. she doesnt make a secret of it). i feel kinda bad saying it bc she DOES try. she actually corrects my pronouns (and Eddie's!) more than anyone else in my family when others fuck it up. I just don't think she fully understands why she's doing it and im not sure if she cares to. challenge her notion of what a trans person is?

idk its pretty obvious when cis ppl are doing the whole "her > no, i have to overlay an image of a boy on the body that I am seeing bc You Are A Her Who Wants To Be a Him" or vice versa, instead of just "You Are Him". it's like they're trying to translate me into a different language without changing the words. does not compute.

ughhh idk. anyway i am just hoping that she can see how much of a change it makes for me and sees me being happier and calmer and stuff. i already have been WAY more chill even in the last 2 years just since being out. i think that it will make it easier for me to like. express emotions like love and gratitude? i think part of why i've always kinda felt stunted in that area or like I couldn't connect w my parents like I sometimes do w other people, was bc of being closeted.... if she sees me as an extension of herself, Her Daughter, and I cannot be myself fully and truthfully, how can i express my emotions fully and truthfully, they are a part of who I am? I've just been told many times by the world that expressing myself honestly makes other people uncomfortable... anger was the only thing i could reach for so long. oof.

its just funny (not ha-ha funny) how even after having a feminist mom who didnt make me dress girly as a kid; after having lived in a huge queer household; having almost exclusively queer friends for 10+ years; after having BEEN OUT in high school; and now, again, being in a supportive environment where everyone is trying to validate me... despite all of that I STILL find myself feeling guilty for transitioning, guilty for showing people who I am. wondering "Wouldnt it be easier if I didnt. Wouldnt it be better for everyone if I just let them think I was a girl. wouldnt it be easier to deal w my other medical stuff w/o being outed every time I go to a new Spectrum location. wouldnt it be easier for everyone who has to deal w grandpa right now. there's nothing wrong with being a girl. Maybe I could keep being a girl if I had to."

but i know that's not right. if I don't live my life at this point it will kill me faster than anything that's medically wrong with me. i am not a girl. trying to be a girl when I didnt want to be made me suicidal for years. it made me into a horrible person and informed all kinds of terrible decisions I wish I hadn't made.

i know that transitioning is the right thing. to be perfectly clear, I am nothing but excited about testosterone and ALL of the changes it will bring me, there is literally not a single one that I don't want, that I havent wanted with my entire being my WHOLE life. i know that i am doing the right thing because for the first time in my life these are choices I've made FOR ME, for no one else and for no purpose but for the joy and sense of peace and completeness that it brings me to know that I am trans.

my fear is that I won't be able to articulate that to other people. or that ill have 1 bad experience and regress to not being able to stand up for myself or w/e.

so yeah, nothing but actual love and excitement for my T appointment. im just outlining how much cis bullshit really ends up defining the experience of transition for so many of us, and how much anxiety and fear it can still impart. even when you surround yourself with queer and trans support, even when ppl in your life are being cool, even when you are SO SURE of who you are. despite all of that, I am still afraid I'll end up detransitioning because of other people's issues...

but tbf i kind of have this with everything. I move into a new place, it TERRIFIES me rather than brings me comfort. how am I going to lose this home, too, and how long do I have? i've never felt at home in my body before, and every time I thought I found/built a home, I lost it. I've been evicted and lost my housing so many times and... have kinda had the same thing happen w my body, in a sense. feeling like if I start trying to decorate how I want ill get in trouble somehow bc nothing good can truly last and there's always some higher authority to answer to... idk.

anyway I need a proper therapist obviously lmfao and I dont expect anyone to read this. to be clear I am mostly very excited and optimistc. just nervouscited u know what i mean

[vtforpedro]

health update - long post

hi everyone! I think it's been a month and a half or so since my last update I saw a rheumatologist, had MRIs done, and got my results back from my hematologist SO cancer: still undetectable in my blood, check every 3 months and hope it doesn't show up for a long time lol \o/ I don't think I can say I'm in remission until a certain amount of time has passed but I hope I can say that one day MRIs: actually show some possible improvement with the chiari and spinal fluid flow? and if there IS improvement (like the radiologist who wrote the report had the MRI from a year ago as reference and his findings were all 'normal' compared to april 2020, but it was hard to get an answer out of my neurologist and neurosurgeon if there was solid evidence of physical improvement). but yeah IF there's improvement, that is highly indicative of IIH because my neurosurgeon told me when people with IIH lose weight, the chiari often corrects itself because there's less pressure and more room in the skull for the cerebellar tonsils to be in a normal position. regular chiari that you're born with doesn't do that lol so if there IS improvement with weight loss, then yeah, IIH. even if they don't wanna put in the diagnostic code for it without a lumbar puncture sigh lol I hate typing this because I'm so paranoid it'll all go to shit if I talk about it, but there have been improvements as I've lost weight. I seem to have a couple weeks where my head isn't so severe, mostly manageable with a few awful days. then I'll have a few weeks of it being Really Really bad with a few not-so-awful days. which IIH can do this sort of 'remission' thing but considering it was like 24/7 with no breaks for a year I'd say this is moving in the direction I want it to completely changed my diet a handful of months ago and adjusting it still to be even healthier/more fulfilling. I started using the Noom app (paid sub version) cause it's so focused on psychology instead of 'dieting' and building habits that are sustainable in the long, long-term. I really love it so far. the routine of doing it at the same time every day has already made me feel better mentally about my weight loss journey despite my struggles with losing weight, I am officially down 20lbs \o/ they say for improving/curing IIH, you need to lose 10-20% of your body weight. well, 10% down! time to lose another 20, but I don't find it intimidating and I'm not dreading it. it's hard to have hope, especially on really bad weeks, but I'm taking it one day at a time. definitely not cured but I'm aiming for 40lbs more (so 60 altogether) and by then, maybe, just maybe.... rheumatologist/autoimmune disorder results: so I went to a rheum cause I got that positive autoimmune disorder blood test with the possibility of lupus or scleroderma. she said that she gets so many hematology patients because leukemia and lymphoma have blood antibodies, so it will almost always show up as positive on this antibody test and most people actually won't have an additional autoimmune disorder. I don't have a lot of symptoms of lupus or scleroderma according to her, so she told me don't worry about autoimmune disorders for three months. don't think about them. we'll repeat labs then and see what they say. so that's good news so far and I hope it remains that way 15%+ of the population will test positive on the same test without having any health issues, which I found interesting. and I asked since I already have an autoimmune disorder, tho it's endocrine versus rheumatic, if that would also trigger a positive result and she said yes it would! so yeah... I hope by late July I can still say I don't have an additional autoimmune disorder I see a gastroenterologist tomorrow for the bloating/abdominal pain and other stuff I've been having. I have a feeling I'll be given some antacids (or w/e they're called when it's prescription strength) and that will improve. but jfc I'm up to eight specialists now lol NINE doctors are following my health god it's such a shitty feeling especially when I can barely trust any of them. at

least they all believe me now, but it cost me my quality of life and mental health to even get to this point so I'm still feeling pretty fucking bitter and angry about it all you know what's really hard about completely changing my diet + starting new medications/supplements? for some reason at the beginning of all of this when I was experiencing repeated trauma at the ER, my brain developed a phobia of allergic reactions, despite the fact that I've never had one for food/medicine (I'm talking anaphylactic reactions). so now every single new thing I eat, every new med or supplement, I go through panic attacks for days on end thinking I'm going to die before it starts easing. also, anxiety makes your throat feel like it's closing up and that it's harder to breathe already so lmao fun times. I literally never thought about this in all my life and I never even experienced an allergic reaction to develop this intense fear, so you know. fuck doctors for putting me through this when it was all so unnecessary sigh anyway. still can't watch videos, tv, movies, read, bend over, walk for longer than 5 minutes, and can't talk for long either because it'll trigger a head episode. I'm terrified I won't be able to do these things ever again, but I'm still aiming for my goal weight no matter what and I know I can get there bouncing between misery and hopelessness, and slightly less misery and some hope right now, but I guess that's better than it's been for a year, right? sorry for rambling. I feel like a lot has gone on but I've also had the biggest gaps between doc appts in a while which is a relief just because I can't stand being in medical buildings or around doctors anymore completely vaccinated too, so that's another relief, but I'm wearing masks until americans get their heads out of their asses and we start seeing little to no community spread cause I am still immunocompromised. wouldn't it be nice if people like, idk, cared about each other ok sorry! I hope you're all well and healthy and safe. I love you very much and I'm grateful for your support, forever and always! <3

[lithium-lossr]

You know what grinds my gears? The American healthcare system.

Since I was 10 (I’m 25 in March) I’ve suffered, from what now I’ve deducted to be PoTS attacks.

At 10, after my first fainting spell my pedestrian told me it was “hormones” and dismissed it. A nurse told me it was a vasovagal syncope as a teen after several spells. Several nurses did postural orthostatic vitals on me for two weeks by doctor's orders, acknowledge the problem but didn’t address it. My own cardiac nurse sister just told me to “drink more water.” And an OBGYN dismissed it for pregnancy hormones for the one time I passed out in my history of fainting.

And I mean I’ve passed out standing:

doing the dishes

in line to pay for my food at subway

in line waiting for my meds when I was impatient

in line waiting to cash out groceries while pregnant

while talking to a coworker

And those are just the rememberable ones.

I’ve almost passed out countless other times, but thanks to listening to my body because medical professionals have decided to dismiss my pleas for help I’ve learned that keeping my legs moving for circulation helps keep it at bay. So I bounce, walk, jump, jog in place- but lightly because too much makes me winded leading to me having to stand still & well, yeah.

And not every time, but I’d say just about 75% of the time when I stand the past few years I lose my vision. I feel my blood drain and I loose my balance. I’ve learned to brace myself for a fall and bend my knees just in case and when bad enough to just guide myself to the ground.

I have to keep a canteen on me at all times and always have to make sure it’s full because I always need a drink since I’m absolutely dehydrated every 45 or so minutes. So I sip every 10 (or as soon as I’m slightly thirsty which is about that time frame. Canteens with straws, FTW) but if I cannot get water in me I WILL PASS OUT If I’m standing. More than not if I am in this situation I will just sit down/lay down. I no longer have pride & I’m just in survival mode so I don’t fall over and have an ambulance I cannot afford show up.

But with drinking comes peeing & it’s like the water goes straight to my bladder because just about instantly after I feel I have to pee so bad I’ve become very accustomed to just going outside to pee behind the house. It’s so bad I can literally go pee before bed and have to instantly get back up to go again with literally another full bladders worth of pee. Then not drink at all, all night, and wake up every two-three hours and have to pee, again and again.

And then on top of that, very night I sweat so badly I have to change clothes at least three times, flip my blankets at least once and typically have to move to a completely different spot on my bed or cover where I’m laying with something dry.

I’m exhausted as soon as my eyes open and hold no energy to harness my motivation. My brain is a constant haze.

My chest hurts.

I have chronic digestive & gastrointestinal issues. Nausea. Diarrhea. Indigestion... I sound like a pepto commercial, ffs.

I’ve had to give up so many things I love because I’m now so intolerant.

But that’s not why I’m fucking pissed about America’s “Healthcare” System

I’m pissed because FINALLY by chance I’ve gotten a doctor to listen to me after disagreeing with her diagnosis & showing her what I have for symptoms, what my Fitbit has shown, along with my research. But of course it can’t just be simple as her doing her thing, me following what ever she needs and bada-bing bada-boom we know what’s going on.

Because I’m not rich enough for private insurance I cannot afford or get the heart monitor she needs me to wear for at least 24 hours for an accurate diagnosis

& state (free) insurance? Well if I get state insurance I can’t go to this doctor anymore because they do not accept it at their office.

So tomorrow I have to make a ~3 hour round trip for a 30 minute ekg appointment and hope and pray that during that half an hour I show symptoms.

I literally have 15 years depending on 30 minutes tomorrow

And after, even if I don’t get any help

I still have to pay.

Appt date: 12/31/2020

Rant date: 12/30/2020

[allthingsfern]

It happened today

Yesterday several symptoms were messing with my brain and today the messing, the discomfort and pain and disorientation was worst, and then in the afternoon I drove to have an MRI done.

Well, in the middle of the whole thing, I lost it.

Big time.

My meltdown came about 5 minutes into the MRI.

I was fine for the first few minutes, thinking about how weird and cool the whole thing felt. I kept breathing calmly and taking in the whole thing and all of a sudden I freaked.

Without thinking I squeezed the ball they give you to notify them if your freaking out. I squeezed that fucking ball like that was going to save my life. I kept squeezing and squeezing and squeezing.

Meltdown.

For whatever reason, suddenly I could not take the noise. Once the person running the MRI got me out, I started to cry and shake and stutter and I kept saying "Who the fuck am I" and "What the fuck is happening to me" and "I'm sorry" and "I can't I can't I can't I can't" and stuttering and shaking.

Then I freaked out while driving back home, and I mean ugly cry sobbing, saying "Who the fuck am I" and "What the fuck is happening to me" and "I'm sorry" and " I can't I can't I can't I can't" and stuttering and shaking.

I went straight to the doctor's office to make an appt ASAP to see if they could get me appt for an open MRI and there I freaked out again, in the reception area, ugly cry sobbing, saying "Who the fuck am I" and "What the fuck is happening to me" and "I'm sorry" and "I can't I can't I can't I can't" and stuttering and shaking.

Eventually I was escorted to one of the examination rooms, where I saw one of the nurses and again, same freak out.

Thenthe the doctor came in. And when I started to explain, same freak out. He checked my heart after I calmed down a bit and made special mention of the fact that my heart was calmly beating at about 80 beats per minute, as he said, much lower than he expected. I mention this because I think that my agitated state (I was shaking uncontrollably) and calm heartbeat indicated to hm that something ain't right.  

Finally alone in that little examination room, while waiting for the appt and for them to set everything up, I freaked out alone. I simply let my feelings run free, run wild. Did not stop myself. It was only a few minutes of release but it did the job of letting my emotions and my confusion happen, letting my freak out wash over me and then drain away, to eventually evaporate. 

Anyway, I should have an appt for the open MRI by tomorrow (for some time next week?) and an appt for the neurologist soon, too. Turns out the neurologist tried to get a hold of me (and I do not remember), so he also assigned a "poke the bear" reminder assistant to make certain I keep up with all the appts.

And something else that I found encouraging: toward the end of my visit, right when I was about to leave, I asked him about the prescription for “something” to calm me down that the nurse said he was going to write for me. I told him that I am not a fan of meds in general, but that I was willing to take whatever he prescribed, but he said he changed his mind and that I will be fine. That made me feel a whole lot better, like he understands that I am living with this in as balanced and aware a state as I possibly can. That he was willing to not have me take something for my emotional state was soothing, calming, kinda like a nerve medicine in itself. It seemed to me he was confident I was gonna be okay. That I am okay, even if I made one hell of a spectacle, several times... Not certain if this makes sense?

BTW, the strange thing about all this is I recall the things that happen this afternoon in words and can recall the words to describe the feelings I had, but I have almost no visual memory of it and I can hardly recall the feelings themselves. Me freaking out desperation seems far away, like it happened to someone else? And my visual memory is still out of order and I cannot even recall what the person running the MRI or the nurse I spoke with at the doctor or the doctor look like. I see traces of a still photo or two of them, but like I told the doctor, if I saw him somewhere outside the med center, I would most probably not recognize him, even if he is a nice guy and has been great with me. Same for the nurse. Same for the person running the MRI. Nada. Yet, things I read about, stuff I research for work, facts and stories, those I recall, even recent ones from after the fall.

Meanwhile, back home, I still feel sensitive to sound, but I am better. Calmer. Ate a nice dinner: a couple of cooked spinach in tomato sauce and lotsa garlic open faced whole grain sandwiches. Watched some The Avengers with Emma Peel.

Going to bed in a few.

La aventura continúa.

[nettheworldonfire]

Post-biopsy Post

I’ll start by saying, today’s procedure went well. I really loved all my nurses and Dr. Feldstein. Everyone was pleasant, attempted to answer all of my ridiculous questions, and even laughed at my morbid sense of humor. I elected to stay awake, watch the show, and force them to explain everything I was seeing on the ultrasound.

Apparently I was drunk when my doctor was telling me what was going to happen at the biopsy; there was no catheter, whatsoever. It was exactly like the last time. A long needle going in under my right rib, pulling out samples of liver tissue (tumor). I could see the needle on the ultrasound and hear the clicking as it extracted some tumor-y goodness. While they can’t say that what they saw was benign or malignant, they said it was definitely abnormal.

I tried to slip them a Benjamin to get my results by tomorrow, but they said probably Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.

We’re still having no luck with Olive and the bottle, which made today tough. The nurses and doctors were amazing and did some research for me (contacting pharmacists and other professionals) and determined that instead of doing a twilight sedation they could do a pain medication with the lidocaine and I could potentially breast feed again a lot sooner. With sedation it would have been no less than 24 hours. With the drugs they were using today, they said one completely clears the system (undetectable in blood) within 4 hours and the other within 6 hours, meaning both should be able to clear within 10. They told me to wait 12 just to be safe, and that if I COULD wait 24 hours to try to do that. Torture.

Olive nursed at 630 am until about 7, when we needed to get ready to leave. They started the meds at 930 am. So that meant at minimum waiting 15 hours for her to nurse. The longest she’s ever gone to date was about 8 and that was when she was sleeping and three months ago. Recently it’s been max of 5, so today has been challenging to say the least. It’s currently 9:15 pm and I’m holding strong and she’s still alive, so fingers crossed.

But this meant that I had to pump and dump, twice. And when you only have mere moments left to feed your child - that sucks.

Today Olive did ingest a little formula, not by itself, but mixed with yogurt, as popsicle, and some in some purée fruit. Overall, not terrible. It was just sad to see her sad, and unable to give her what she wanted. She did enjoy some fruit (as did Charlie) sent by friends!

I’m a bit sore (tender, they say), and I feel tired. The best way to describe the sensation is a dull pain, like when you get bad side stitches from exercise after eating/drinking.

Charlie had a bad fever again today - so we all (including my mom) took a bit of a nap together this afternoon. I should feel less sore and tired tomorrow and be able to take my dressing off tomorrow night.

* Dark side: Despite Dr. Feldstein agreeing to and laughing at my suggestion that I partake in some day drinking while abstaining from breastfeeding today, I had to sign a paper saying I would not drink (or drive or operate machinery or make any life changing decisions a for 24 hours).

* Bright side: I actually relaxed today. Without kids. For a few hours (during the procedure).

* Next steps:

Next week - results

3/2/20 at 10:15 am - Oncology appt. with Dr. Rose

3/17/20 at 8:30 am - second opinion with Dr. Teitelbaum

* Depressing, homemade GIF -

[chasing-rabbits]

So apparently they’ve changed the law and you have to look at least 25 to buy energy drinks. You are legally allowed to buy energy drinks at the age of 16 that hasn’t changed but when selling it to people if they don’t look 25 you have to ask for ID. It used to be something like you had to look 21 but 25 seriously for energy drinks. And of course my dumb ass left my passport with my mum as I recently got back from Spain and on the flight back I was pushing my mum in the wheelchair so I handed off my passport to my brother who had all of them to hand to the people during the checks because my hands were kinda busy and we got back at like 3am so I really wasn’t awake enough to remember to get it back. I am kinda mad though not at the people doing their jobs they don’t have a choice especially cos the store I went to the guy was telling me they recently failed their checks and now I noticed he had a voice and audio recording device on his chest they’ve never had these before not that I’ve noticed at least. I imagine this is because they failed the test and probably got fined for it too. So like I get it, it’s not his fault and I did forget my passport as I don’t have a drivers or provisional license I’m still unsure if I can even apply for one because when I first got diagnosed and put on meds he said I couldn’t own a license because I wasn’t allowed to drive on the meds I was on but they were powerful anti psychotics and definitely did make me incredibly drowsy although the worst was olanzapine which is a mood stabiliser I think not an anti psychotic point is I understand where he was coming from and no ones told me since that I’m now allowed to own one so idk. I didn’t have my ID and they have to enforce the law and I definitely don’t look my age or even remotely in my 20s but why the fuck are they pushing the ID check up to 25 for an energy drink like fuck sake lol when I was at school they didn’t even have an age restriction on energy drinks which I don’t really disagree with the 16 age limit that much cos man there were definitely people who had far too much of them but like jdlskjfjka I just wanted the god damn watermelon redbull please like seriously but I’ve got a doctors appt tomorrow and my brothers taking me so he said he’d get my passport and drop me off at sainsbury’s on the way back as its right near my flat I don’t think Kade would survive a week with 0 energy drinks tbh especially as we have not a lot of iced coffee left either. He needs his caffeine lol. Also I know I know I should be grateful because when I’m 40 I won’t look it but right now I’m just frustrated because I’m edging ever closer to 30 and still being mistaken for a teenager if not a minor like okay maybe I look late teens but a minor still at 28?!!? Why side note its also why old men hitting on me at uni creeped me out because there’s no way they thought I was of legal age and not one asked me my age which gives me the ick like ew no pls back off perv.

[rich50g-blog]

Starting over2

Well good thing is i never am short for words. I told the girls which one I want to marry, scheduled a phone call with them and apparently their father, which means he wants to learn about my integrity and how i will take care of his daughters, Jinli my future bride is 27 owns sever banks and main home is in Shanhai, because she is more mature than her 19 year old sister and her business sense would benefit me more with the running of the family business, They are coming here in a couple of weeks the call next Monday will tell me a lot about what to expect, I asked them about how much luggage they will bring, but just know i have a lot of work to clean up my apartment before both ladies make it here. Tomorrow i have I have a Doctors appt. with a neurosurgeon, I am having issues with my left knee and hip, just came out of nowhere hit me, my knee it is a weakness issue and i am not careful i will fall over, thank goodness i have had bad ankles in the past so i know how to fall, its the getting up that is hard. i bought a cane to help and it does but i made mistakes and slipped so I just need to be more in control with  my movements. So i had two MRI”s one on my hip, no problems found there, the other on  my lumbar or lower spine, so got results back from my doctor up in Ft. Worth which is too far for me to drive, 8 hours drive no thank you, so that doctor sent me a referral  for a doctor near me, was going to be for this Monday, earlier this week Tuesday i think, the girl who works the appointment desk called to say the Doctor closed his practice, Wow, less than a week away from my appointment, so i got another referral to another doctor who is a little farther away but he got me in for Tuesday so i am sort of happy.. So the MRI’s well i got email from nurse in Fr. Worth doctor office telling me what they found on them. So without further waste of your time, This is what ii got from nurse:  degenerative disc disease in the lumbar spine causing nerve root compression and spinal stenosis, Whoa i knew something was wrong but dang, i do not know if that means back surgery, PT and meds or wearing lumbar brace, don’t know so tomorrow will be telling for me for sure.Tod I have to run by bank to do some deposits my rent is due tomorrow, so need to load up account. I will also go by and get haircut, eat and maybe go by gun store where i bought gun and find out when it may arrive. exciting day. I talked to both ladies for a couple of hours last night they are cool with their position in the house. i thought the youngest would have been bummed but she wasn’t in fact she said that there is too much responsibility with being  the wife, especially seeing that I might be in charge of this royal dynasty family in a week or too, so my life is changing beyond my wildest dreams, getting ready its coming fast right at me. So later will add more as i goo, I wonder how to move around Tumblr guess i will look at youtube videos, bye for now

[leoseazon]

hhhhh am freaking out bcos for the last five days ive barely been able to eat and i keep dissociating which nvr rlly happened before but i dont feel right in my body and chewing and swallowing food feels weird and makes me more anxious and i cant stop thinking about it and that makes my brain feel like its on fire but i keep spiraling into thinking oh god what if i developed an eating dsorder or smth and have to go to a treatment center to learn how to eat and feel like a person again and have to take semesters off of school which starts in just over a week and etc etc im Not Doing Well Lately!!! ive also been not taking my anxiety meds very regularly for the past um month or 2 so like im big praying thats part of it but ive been taking them for the past week every day and i dont feel like im getting better at all!! which is WORRYING me even More! im. at the doctor rn about medicine refill or change and got therapist appt tomorrow but god i feel so wound up i could explode and im also starving but incapable of putting food into my body w/o freaking out ughughuhuhufgjfj

[assholemurphy]

so, i’m dying.

lol, not rly. except, yeah, kinda.

my gallbladder has finally fucked itself into a coma and only wakes up to force me to projectile vomit myself into oblivion whenever i consume solids. and on occasions, liquids, if it’s rly cranky. that’s my life now.

i have managed to eat 2 hot pockets, some chips, abt 8 jalepeno poppers, and three eggrolls (and keep them down) in the past 2 weeks. all that i’ve been able to keep down has happened in the past 24hrs. i’m not sure how i managed it, tbh, but it wasn’t without a fight. other than that, i have not digested anything but liquids in the past 2 weeks. i cannot think straight, i can barely form words in my head, let alone say them out loud. this is not fun and i don’t like it. it was one thing to choose not to eat (tho, rly, with an ed, it wasn’t exactly a choice, ya feel?) and to choose to purge, but now that i have no choice at all, i’m so fucking pissed off. like, part of me is happy bc i’ve lost 5lbs already, even with being bloated from constant puking, but like, more of me just wants to survive so i can work on my goddamn finals. which are all due this week. and none of them are done. (except the one that was due last week, managed to do that one, luckily).

pretty boy took me to the er on sun night bc i can’t keep anything down and it’s only gotten worse since they released me. we got there right as the docs were changing shifts, so the first doc was rly narcissistic and full of himself and the second he heard me say ‘i’ve got atypical anorexia b/p subtype’ he was like, ‘ah, yes, it’s all in your head, this is your fault’ which even made pb annoyed bc he apparently can tell the difference between what’s currently going on and my (his words, not mine) ‘crash diets’. but he was p sure the doc didn’t like me bc i called my primary doc (who was supposed to get me scheduled for an ultrasound to get this taken care of almost 2 months ago but didn’t bc he didn’t believe me when i said (having opinions from 2 previous docs) i had gallbladder issues, so he ignored it) an idiot for, ya know, ignoring me when i told him something was wrong. but docs are assholes, they don’t like it when you’re right abt something they can’t see themselves. so i’m switching primary docs asap. this guy’s a fucking joke.

(it’s also been almost three weeks since the pharmacy faxed him paperwork abt the insurance company not wanting to pay for my adderall prescript bc i take 3 pills a day and they only wanna pay for 90 in 75 days (yeah, not even 2 pills a day, like this shit doesn’t work for five hours max). he still hasn’t filled it out. it’s fucking finals week and i’ve got maybe 6 pills left. how fucking grand. so that’s gotta be sorted at the same time he gets me a surgeon’s appt.)

so the guy had me pee in a cup and gave me fluids/anti nausea meds (which were nice, helped me keep down a bit of food sun night). then he basically told me ‘it’s just cyclic vomiting, you’ve just got to break the cycle’ but he was leaving so he was going to let the next guy discharge me. thank fucking god, bc otherwise, i’d probably be dead in a couple weeks.

so this next guy is eccentric af, this whole hospital is a circus, it’s fucking great (no sarcasm, i love quirky ppl). he checks out my cup of pee and orders some blood tests (that the other guy didn’t even care to do), then he comes in and talks to me and he’s fucking great, a+ doctoring, love this guy, sadly, he doesn’t have a private practice, but apparently the nurses get asked if he does all the time. how do i know? my mother asked, bc she liked him. i trusted him. i trust no docs, ever. but this one is good. he says there’s def something wrong, def not just my ed, and orders me an ultrasound for the next morning. good, great, getting this show on the road. he understands my concerns abt my primary doc and offers to explain the results of the ultrasound to my mother via phone mon night. so she calls, he tells her i’ve got ‘sludge and wall thickening’ which are Bad(tm) esp in combination with me not being able to eat anything for over a week and a half.

so, now i’ve got to talk to a surgeon and get my gallbladder removed. as i fucking figured i’d need months ago (during the summer, with my pain and stuff). now this vomiting thing has been happening at least once a semester for abt 2 years now. no one has known what is wrong. ‘it’s acid reflux, take these pills’ ‘these pills don’t work’ ‘welp, idk ^.^’ and so forth for 2. fucking. years. now i’ve got confirmation that my gallbladder is bad. like ‘could explode and kill me’ bad. this is great, i can finally get something done abt this.

except.

except it’s finals week and no only am i running v low on adderall (i just took a pill for the first time since fri morning just a few hours ago) and i’m now fatigued and unable to eat with 4 projects left to do. all of which require a fuckton of concentration. concentration i just don’t have even with the adderall bc i haven’t actually eaten much food lately and can’t fucking think at all. like, every time i eat, it comes right back up.

so, i’ve been sleeping a lot. great, right? except for ya know, all the work i’ve got? nope. i can’t sleep for longer than 4 hours without having night terrors. like BAD ones. i’d tell you abt the one i had when i slept last (from 5:30p to 8:30p) but it would require a whole host of trigger warnings just to give a summary. but it fucked me up badly. and they’ve been getting progressively worse. i dreamed my dog died. i dreamed my apartment was possessed and the demon was trying to kill me. i’ve dreamed of animal abuse and murder and even worse things that leave me fucking shaking when i wake up. but i’m so tired that i keep falling asleep anyway, no matter how scared i am. and i stay asleep, until my alarm goes off, then i shut it off and fall asleep again (into a different night terror). there is no stopping this. my body is dying and it’s telling my brain i’m in danger so my brain is trying to scare me. it’s working. i’m well aware i’m in danger but there’s nothing i can do until my mom sets up a surgeon’s appt for me. i’ve got to remind her to do that tomorrow. i’d do it myself, but i’m far to fucking out of it currently to talk to a medical professional in any capacity.

but throughout all of this, i’m falling further and further behind on my final projects. i’ve got a 10min play analysis due tomorrow at 10:30a (which i’ve got to work on tonight). then i’ve got to finish my stagecraft project (which requires that i go to the shop 3 more times so i’ve got to do that at like 11a tomorrow, then 12p thurs, then like 7p thurs, but i’ve got to find a shop employee to go with me, apparently, and i’d take goldilocks, but she obvs doesn’t want to do it, so i might ask pb or mary, if i have to). then i’ve got to do my monologue assignments for acting i (i’ve got one almost fully memorized, i just need to refresh, but i’ve got to memorize another one, read the play it’s from (i’ve got to buy the ebook), and do an analysis over it before thurs at 10:30a). then my intro to theatre final is due last, but it’s p big and i’ve got to do a lot for it. like 7pg paper plus a ‘previous action’ script (i’ve got to write up a script showing what happened before the play itself starts). i’ve got a SHITTON of work to do and only 9 hours for the sa final, then 24 hrs for the acting i final, then 26 hrs for the itt final, and somehow i’ve got to find at least 3 hours for my sc final. all while trying to get sleep and not eating anything.

plus i’ve still got to do some loan stuff with finaid this week.

i emailed my profs telling them what’s going on, but they’re not going to accept any late finals, so idk why i bothered. (i haven’t heard back bc i just emailed them like, an hour ago and it’s 1a). i CANNOT fuck up this semester bc i won’t get finaid anymore if i do and i can’t drop out. so like, i’ve got to get everything together, but i’m just so fucking sick and everything is overwhelming. i’m going to do my damnedest to get everything done, but idk if i’ll be able to. i rly don’t know.

i’m so fucking stressed over this shit, which is only making my gallbladder issues worse, so it’s a losing battle all around and i’m drowning. honestly, if i had the money, i’d pay for someone to do this for me, but i can’t and i wouldn’t anyway bc like, i’m not putting my name on anything i didn’t do myself out of some bullshit pride thing i’ve got going on. my pride’s gonna get me killed one day, i just know it.

but, tonight, i’m gonna work on my script analysis final and pray to god i can get it done in time. i’ve got like 2 hours left on my adderall, maybe 3 if i push it. i need to make a plan of attack for everything and get to work.

i’m not going to fail this semester if it fucking kills me. and it actually might.

[sumergosuigeneris]

December 5, 2018, Part II

My afternoon plans went awry. Found out a friend/coworker of mine has cancer. Not sure how I feel yet. She’s okay when she told me. Actually, she made it a point to tell me while she felt okay, so I would ‘stop asking her.’ I mean, I asked once; where she was coming from was that she was handling it well at the moment and didn’t want it to happen that I asked and it fucked her up. Maybe I’m sad now. I don’t know where it is. She’s got to make an appt and discuss treatment options. So maybe I’m sad, but maybe I’ll be okay until she knows what’s what. The only other thing I’ll say is that she’s got a toddler granddaughter, so you know how I feel about what should happen.

I mentioned that in therapy (I’d found out maybe an hour before my appt). And the weirdness with the other friend/coworker. And the weird dreams about my past.

Then we did whatever we did. I was gonna ask him about his credentials - did he actually practice as a masters before going for his phd or psyd or whatever. Didn’t get to it. But milquetoast is kind of ridiculous, so I finally decided to look him up on the interweb. From my math calculations, he had to have gotten his masters and practiced at least a couple years before the doctoral stage. And he’s from this state all his life, I estimate. But while he was on the honor roll in high school and college, he’s not at a great/good doctoral program. But where he is, is a school I’m automatically fond of based on the name lol. So I don’t know. He doesn’t seem to be doing anything anywhere near cutting edge. Anywhere near. And he’s a bit of a schmuck. But I stand by my original assessment that he has potential. Wonder where he’d be development-wise if he was at a really good school. Oh but also, my psych got her phd or md, or whatever the fuck she has, at the same school. It’s another example of location, location, location.

Wondering if I judge people who use workbooks made with that brown (terrible with pencils) paper? I didn’t realize companies use that paper anymore. Plus, I’ve always hated that incompatible-with-pencils paper. Seems silly to judge people by that, but I really hate the feel/sound of pencils on that kind of paper.

Made my ass call the pharmacy to see what the fuck meds they were refilling (I mean, I didn’t ask about the shit they restocked, but still, it was an effort for me so I’m happy). Emailed the chair of my diversity committee (didn’t read his response). Went to the meeting for my scipol group. Still kind of feel like shit for the little work I’ve done this fall for the group. But I told the pres I have depression, and I emailed a few potential speakers while we had the event, so that’s a lot for me. Oh and there’s a geo grad student in my class and the group, and I chatted with her, and even mentioned my nefarious scheme to use a policy program to get my ass in a chem phd program, and she didn’t make fun of me. So that was nice.

Gonna take most of tomorrow off for my paper. But I can’t not work completely.

And I think maybe I found a topic. I just need to do enough research to narrow it down. What I got is using climate change mitigation in El Salv as a national security tool. Gotta figure out how to turn it to water. And need to narrow it down further. But we shall see.

Watching some random tv (I think it’s part of Captain America civil war? it’s a bunch of super heroes fighting but now it’s another show?), and the commercials...I guess I’m weird that I like commercials. But I’m glad I watched tv tonight b/c I found out the magicians is still on (I never got past season 1), and there’s a syfy show about superman’s grandfather. There’s a lot of good tv these days. Wish I could watch it all *and* still have a shit ton of time for books and a shit ton of time for things and a shit ton of time for sleeping.

I think I’m about done at this point. To bed!

[aquarianlights]

how have you been doing?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

No, actually, I’ve been okay. Haha. Thank you for asking. Just been.... adulting like crazy. Like... I scheduled all these appointments at the last second...moved in with my friend and his bf... have driven three hours to these appts and three hours back... every day for a week except yesterday. I had to drive to the fucking DMV and get an NC ID card coz my Drivers License is still Florida.... And idk where my legal residency actually is...lmao. But I had to have an NC ID to get in with the pain specialist. So I drove 2.5 hours to the DMV....got that changed...2.5 hours back. Next day, chronic pain specialist appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back... with crippling joint pain.... Next day, psych eval appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back. And this all happened like...2 days after I moved here... a close to 4 hour drive...from where I was...and I’m waiting on a fuckton of calls back... but monday is a holiday AHHHHHHH so I can only call certain people and do certain adult things on monday...then I gotta call EVERYONE on tuesday and do all the things I couldn’t do monday on tuesday... I have a whole damn list. So finally...yesterday and today have been free days. So I spent them spending 25 dollars for an application fee to this new college I’m attending as a transient student. I now have 6 vet tech classes and am adding 2 gen ed transient classes. I will have my AA by the end of this coming semester...and have my OTHER AA by the time I have my BA or am almost finished with my BA. And then I will have two AA’s...one in vet tech and one in a medical transfer track degree.... And my BA.... and then onto my masters..IF I PASS THIS FUCKING TEST AND DON’T GET WAITLISTED.I have been relentlessly studying for the TEA’s all weekend. Just nonstop. Started adding exercise coz apparently the treatment for lupus and fibromyalgia is exercise???????? So I just...pop 100mg of lyrica or more in the morning, exercise via sit ups and push ups, make some iced coffee, take a mini jog, go home and do chores like dishes and taking trash out (there’s not a lot to do cleaning wise coz this place is spotless), then I get on my tasks for the day which I have been forcing myself to do no matter how much physical/mental pain I’m in. If I have to take a 5 minute break to slit my wrists or thighs or sides, that’s fine. I do it, play with the blood, feel the endorphin rush, pop more lyrica.....maybe add in some valium if I’m feeling I need it (that’s rare, though...I don’t fuck with benzos too much anymore coz I control my panic disorder through exercises...like...jumping jacks and running and sit ups and acting like I’m in the military and being screamed at by The Rock or something lmaaaooooo...it actually does calm my panic attacks down a fuckton because it forces endorphins through my body and reduces adrenaline and forces me to focus on my breathing...so my valium script is..... well... I pop em when I feel the “need”. or when I actually cannot slow my heart down via a panic attack). Drove to the college here....talked to advisers...they couldn’t help coz they don’t have late start semesters...had to call my other transient class school and cancel coz I don’t live there anymore...went to another college talked to another adviser about transient classes...they set me up with another college...it’s a 45 minute drive, but hey. For two classes? Bruh, I got that.Uhhhhh.....been doing a LOT of paperwork....catching up on vet tech seminars I missed via recordings. Getting in with the “back to work” program with my disability people... TRYING to get a job without getting my disability taken away...but I have to see a rheumatologist first and I’m waiting on a call back from the one my PCP referred me to...and waiting on a call back from my PCP about a fuckton of stuff...she’s a 4 hour drive away so.

trying to find time to make a 12 hour drive to NOLA to get all my stuff and say goodbye to my roommates for 6+ months.

Again, relentlessly studying for the TEA’s coz I’m scheduled to take them this summer after my AA is earned. And I’m legitimately terrified..... I mean, I’m applying to a fuckton of pre-med programs but........... the admit rate for EVERY pre-med program is insane.... Like...if you don’t get a perfect score on all four sections of the TEA’s...you’re fucked. Akjghfkklaglskjf NO CALCULATOR. [internal screaming]

I have a 2-page-long list of things to do on monday and tuesday. Tomorrow is gonna be a bitch. It’s 1:53am right now.....I have to be awake at AT LEAST 8am and I’m STILL studying for the TEA’s but I think I’ve given up coz I was looking at a bar graph and it asked me what kind of graph it was and I put down line graph as my answer and I just looked at what I wrote and was like “....????????” So it was at that point that I knew I needed to stop. They suggest 50 minute study sessions with 10 minute breaks 3-5 times a day for about 6 weeks minimum. My personal TEA’s test guidance counselor person....told me to study for 8 months. He told me the average TEA’s studying is 8 months. I FEEL LIKE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE A FUCKING BOARD EXAM JFC. The TEA’s are so daunting and intimidating....ugh. Shoot me. Like... I have NO PROBLEM with 3 sections...there’s just...1 section...that I’m destined to fail........ So I’m terrified.

Getting psych help. They wanna set me up with an ACTs team. Which is... a doctor, a nurse/PA/CNA/whatnot, a therapist (psychologist), and a psychiatrist. People for med management and for me to talk to. All in one sitting... minimum of 3 times a week.... Coz I’m having anger blackouts as though I have weed in my system and I have NEVER had anger blackouts without an herbal substance in my system, specifically weed. Holy fuck it’s scary. And my intrusive thoughts are no longer thoughts...they’re genuine desires and pleasure dreams. (Not sexual...mental pleasure.) I lost 6 hours of time the other day while sending voice clips to my friends while going over 100 miles an hour on a highway. I sounded literally psychotic in my voice clips (albeit, my diagnoses dictate I am psychotic, I have never sounded like it before). I mean...I could have KILLED people. Or myself. Or both. or animals....Holy fucking hell. 6 hours...a lot of driving... some of it was parking in an abandoned parking lot and doing... I’m not sure what... 6 hours of time gone. And I’m losing more and more time every day due to anger-induced blackouts. I literally called my mother a cunt. I...I attacked her verbally like a 12 year old hormonal boy who needs to be put in a fucking time out. And I have no recollection of it. At all. But the texts and voicemails and call logs are all there. It’s fucking scary coz I could hurt or kill someone...or myself. Came close NYE. Sheriff talked to me NYE....I somehow have this weird theatrical charisma that everyone just....... believes is real when it’s really just me acting. And I talked him down from him being all “There are multiple reports of you having slit your wrists open and downed pills and multiple reports of you saying homicidal things” to “Oh okay I will call them back and tell them you’re okay. You should text them and tell them you’re okay yourself, though.” I was in a hotel for a week....that was... I lost a lot of time there. Going back and forth between the hotel and my PCP. Getting my room in order.... keeping track of my finances for the first time in my entire life.... getting my car switched to my name and under a new insurance...changing my license... lots and lots of document-related stuff...lots and lots of phone calls and voicemails and call-backs...lots and lots and LOTS of appointments.... SO MUCH joint pain. I have lupus and fibromyalgia...but they think it’s a flinching disorder that is in my head from childhood physical abuse and adult sexual and physical abuse. Like...apparently my brain is producing pain and visible lesions akin to lupus, fibro, osteoprorosis, arthritis, etc... and the pain is VERY real...but it’s cured psychologically because it’s psych based...not physical. Like..the physical pain is real...but it’s produced by my brain? If that makes sense? Like...you know the report a million fucking years ago (idk maybe like 5 or 10 years ago???) or that lady (or was it a guy?) who froze to death while trapped in a freezer that was turned off? Yeah, that’s me. I’m the type of person who---if trapped in a freezer that was turned off and I didn’t know it was turned off---would freeze myself to death with my own brain. So...the trauma from childhood physical and mental/emotional abuse and neglect...and trauma from adult sexual and physical abuse and a bit of verbal/emotional abuse....apparently is causing this “flinching disorder”??????????? But I meet criteria for both lupus and fibro...but he thinks it’s this other thing...and ....

Like I said at the beginning...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Also trying to get Echo here.... but need to go to NOLA first...which I will be doing this month. Figuring out when exactly after Monday and Tuesday’s stuff I need to do..... Go to NOLA for at least a week...come back...get Echo and the rest of my things... Cut a certain two people out of my life entirely. . .SO MUCH TO DO.Fuck, bruh. I’m exhausted and in CONSTANT extreme physical pain BUT.......................................................it’s cool. Did you know you can get high on lyrica? I sure as hell didn’t. I accidentally took over 500mg in one sitting....all at once... Bruh, it felt like I had taken 2 tabs of acid, popped maybe 4 blues, and drank a full Four Loko. It was intense. The walls were breathing, I couldn’t walk, everything was blurry, felt like I was floating, kept dropping things, laughing at everything...couldn’t see...couldn’t read or write... felt tingly all over...  Imagine constant vertigo like...no matter what position you’re in or if you move or stay still. Just.. That feeling you get when you stand up too fast? Yeah. Imagine that.....for hours....no matter what you do... CONSTANT VERTIGO/LIGHTHEADEDNESS FOR HOURS! Felt like I was on a cloud... but also... Even the appropriate doses of lyrica make it so I can’t walk in a straight line.... I keep bumping into walls and falling up stairs and dropping EVERYTHING and falling over ....OH MY GOD I FELL OUT OF BED THE OTHER NIGHT. THIS IS A QUEEN SIZED BED...I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE....AGAINST THE WALL...AND SOMEHOW I FELL OUT OF BED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF A QUEEN BED THAT COULD FIT FOUR OF ME.............. ?????????????? I was on the ground like...with the vertigo ...going ... “?????” Oh my FUCK.

I’m not even stressed, though. Like...high pressure, high risk, chaos, spontaneity, impulsivity, self gratification, advancement, pressure pressure pressure, strict deadlines, things that could change at a moments notice, being on call practically all day every day for certain things.... Like... I love it. That’s why I chose emergency medicine... It is when I perform best, when I feel best, and when I can focus best. I can’t focus if nothing is going on around me.... It makes me extremely distracted by my own LOUD AF thoughts and minor whispers of voices that are coming back so SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH MY MEDS but they’re gonna fix it but I refuse to EVER get back on an anti-psych so I will ONLY work with them on trying to fix my current meds or switching to a different mood stabilizer...IDK.

Bought  a fuckton of medical textbooks that I have just been...pouring over...while I should be devoting that time to studying for the TEA’s...... UHAgain... “How am I” is answered as:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I turn 26 next month. Holy fucking wow................................................................

Uh. Okay. Rant over....Wow, good job, Killian. Verbosity wins again.It’s 2:16am now. Jfc. I need to lay down. My world is spinning. Fucking lyrica, man.........

Thank you for asking, though.... Makes me feel like maybe someone cares about my general wellbeing...or something... Idk. Makes me feel good,though. And happy. Happy that someone cares enough to ask. I appreciate it, fren. I really do. And I hope you’re doing well and thriving like I am. c: