#been leaving the house 5 days a week which is stressful but good for my brain

[arolesbianism]

I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me

[daddyslilchickenfingers2]

Slutmas Day 6

Stressed & Insecure (Matt)

Request: None

Warnings: Mommy kink, talk of poor mental heath, angsty at first, Matt being insecure, talk of body dysmorphia, friends to lovers, cockwarming, oral, whiny Matt

“You’re such a good boy for letting mommy take care of you like this”

Matt’s pov

Everything sucks right now, I’m so busy with work, it’s taking up all of my time, and everything going on right now backs up to that. I was purely stressed from work originally, which I know might seem easy, but don’t be fooled because it’s not. We’ve had so many meetings for sponsored content, videos, guest appearances, and merch designing, on top of filming for our YouTube and the Podcast. I’m genuinely just drained, my anxiety is high, I can’t sleep, and I’m overall in a bad mood.

I know what you’re thinking, ‘why not just jack off?’ well that’s because I can’t. I guess with being stressed and overwhelmed by everything, my cock just won’t get hard. It probably doesn’t help that my body is constantly getting hated on because of my weight, it makes me really insecure and uncomfortable with myself and my body. I was sitting at my desk doing some more online work and it was pissing me off, I’m so frustrated! I’m just doing so much overthinking and it’s making me stressed, overwhelmed, and insecure.

Just as I threw my notebook across the room there was a small knock and Chris popped his head in. “Matt, are you alright? Do you need anything?” Chris asked, knowing I wasn’t in the best mental state. “I’m fine, I just want to be alone” I sighed back, “Are you still coming to Larray’s house with us tonight?” I completely forgot about that. Chris looked a bit disappointed by my answer but he understood, “Nah I’m just gonna stay here, ‘m stressed and overwhelmed right now so I won’t be any fun” I said before Chris closed the door.

That was my insecurities talking, I always found myself rather boring and unenthusiastic when I’m in these moods. It had been about an hour of trying to get hard and then sitting in my chair with my head in my hands. My door slowly creeped open and I immediately assumed it was Chris or Nick. “Get the fuck out of my room!” I yelled, turning around to be met with my best friends confused face. “I’m sorry, Chris said they were leaving and I should come keep you company because you’re having a bad day. I didn’t mean to make you upset” Y/n said quite nervously. I slammed my fist down on my desk before completely losing it, hot tears rolling down my face.

1 hour earlier

Y/n’s pov

I was at a nail appointment when I got a text message, I was already done with my fingers and in the chair for my toes.

iMessage start at 5:02pm

Chrisizzle🍊

bro are you busy

Y/n/n🪼

i’m getting my toes done rn

why

Chrisizzle🍊

at 5:30 me and nick are going to larray’s for the night

so i wanted to ask you a favor

yk how matt’s been kinda moody lately?

well today he’s really stressed and sad so he’s in a bad mood and i don’t want him to be alone tonight so can you head over afterwards and chill with him?

Y/n/n🪼

you literally just set up a playdate for your child lmao

but yeah i’ll go over there, i’ve missed my matty poo

Chrisizzle🍊

wow but you don’t miss me

that one hurt Y/n/n 🥲

anyways lmk when you get to our house bc we leave in 15

Y/n/n🪼

awe of course i miss you too sizzle 🤍

i’m abt to pay then I’ll head over

Chrisizzle🍊

don’t call me sizzle

*Y/n/n🪼 disliked this message*

iMessage ends at 5:37pm

The message had been from one of my best friends, Chris, he asked if I would go hang with his triplet bother, Matt, for tonight. I know he’s been getting a lot of hate about his attitude/weight and has been down the past 2 or 3 weeks, so I was hoping to cheer him up. I drove directly to the boys house after paying for my nails since I had a bunch of essentials over there and didn’t need anything from home.

I let myself in with my key and walked up to Matt’s room, which groans of frustration could be heard coming from. I lightly knocked before entering his room, as I was reclosing the door Matt yelled. “Get the fuck out of my room!” he said angrily, Matt’s never yelled at me before and he looked so pissed off that I got a little nervous.

I quickly replied with “I’m sorry, Chris said they were leaving and I should come keep you company because you’re having a bad day. I didn’t mean to make you upset” he looked at me for a second before I saw his face change to one of pain, hurt, and anxiety. Matt slammed his fist onto his desk yelling “Fuck!” before choking out into sobs.

His whole body was shaking and he slid out of his chair onto the floor, something he does when he’s really, really upset. I immediately ran over to sit next to him, wrapping my arms around his shaking figure. “I’m sorry! They hate me and I’m sorry!” he blurted out, causing me to be a bit confused as Matt’s hands desperately clung onto my shirt.

“It’s okay Matt, let it all out. You’re safe honey, I’ve got you-“ I was cut off by Matt pulling away from my shirt and basically screamed out in pain. “I don’t know what the fuck I did! Y/n, what’s wrong with me!? A-Am I not good enough!? I’m too skinny, I try to eat more but I can’t gain weight, I fucking hate my body! All I keep doing is disappointing everyone, Y/n I-I don-“ he started spiraling into a panic attack and I was worried, I have never seen Matt this bad before.

I didn’t know what else to do so I pushed past my own anxieties and kissed him. I cupped both of his cheeks and smashed our lips together, Matt was shocked at first so he didn’t kiss back but once he realized what was happening, he kissed back. I pulled away and Matt’s lips tried to chase mine before he opened his eye.

“W-What was that for?” he asked, a bit breathless from his previous breakdown. I suddenly felt shy so I looked down, “I uh- I didn’t know how else to get you to stop talking” I said, nervously playing with my fingers. “Oh, well thanks?” he said in a questioning tone, “Did you mean what you said about your body? Do you really think that?” I softly asked.

Matt groaned and stood up, offering me his hand, “I don’t want to talk about it but yes, I do hate my body” he mumbled as I too stood up. We made our way over to his bed and laid there in silence for a few minutes. I rolled over to my side facing Matt “Have you tried cumming?” I questioned quietly, “What!?” he rolled to face me as well, confused by what I just said.

“You know, because you’re stressed. I think I read somewhere that having an orgasm helps to relieve stress” Matt’s face was now painted red. He rolled over to be flat on his back again, “I’ve tried but I can’t get hard” he exhaled deeply. “Oh… I could try to help if you want” I offered, chewing on my nails, Matt turned to face me again, “Help.. me get… Help me get hard?” he questioned nervously.

We both had blush covering our faces at this point, “Yeah, then I can go chill in Nicks room and you can jerk off” I smiled shyly. “I mean that could work but I don’t want to be naked if you have clothes on” “You don’t have to be naked, you just have to trust me” “I-I trust you, how do we start though?” we conversed. I took a moment to think before asking, “Do you want to make out first, I know I’m like a lot bigger than you so I don’t know if it would be a problem for me to sit on your lap. Is it a problem?” I asked self-consciously as we both sat up.

Matt looked at me with an unamused look, “If that’s your way of making me feel worse about my body, it worked because your body is amazing” he huffed out, avoiding looking at me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way” I said with a sad smile, upset that I hurt Matts feelings. “I know you didn’t but my body is like the main reason I cant get hard. I don’t like looking at myself naked, it shows off too much of what’s wrong with me” he replied.

It was silent again for a few minute until I broke the silence again, “I think it’s hot” “What?” Matt looked at me confused. “Your body, I think it’s hot” I smirked, “You think so?” “I know so, don’t you ever notice me staring at you when you’re shirtless or only wearing your boxers?” I teased some more. “I haven’t noticed actually, however, I have noticed you’re not on my lap yet” Matt pouted, pulling me onto his lap.

I was about to say something but was cut off by Matt grabbing the side of my face/neck and pulled me into a sweet kiss that quickly turned needy. I pulled back for a second to catch my breath, “Shit, I’m sorry! I’m just so touch starved and crave physical affection. You were gonna say something?” he panicked. “It’s okay, I know that physical touch is your love language, it’s one of the things I like about you. I forgot what I was going to say but I can tell you I’ll kiss you again” I giggled.

With that, Matt pulled my face to his again and this time the kiss was soft, yet also rough and needy. I had my hands wrapped around Matt’s neck, but his laid awkwardly at his sides, almost as if he’s scared to touch me. I pulled back from the kiss to grab his wrist and mumbled something against his lips. “You can touch me you know” I smirked as I placed Matt’s hands on my waist and went back to kissing him.

Matt’s hands quickly slid down and tightly gripped onto my hips, slowly starting to rock me back and forth. I started feeling his cock get hard and once I could tell he was fully hard, I stopped everything which caused Matt to let out a displeased whine. “Mmh why’d you stop?” he pouted, “Because you’re hard now, which means it’s my queue to leave” I said while trying to get up.

Matt held my hips down and begged, “Please don’t go! I-I don’t think I’ll be able to make myself cum, me being alone with my naked body sounds like a bad dream” he sighed. Piggybacking off what was just said he added, “W-Would you please m-make me feel good? I’ll let you have your way with me as long as it’s not super rough because I’m not in the mood for that” his eyes got a shade or two darker.

“Yeah, I can give you head if you want or you can sit back, relax and enjoy the full sub treatment” “Does the full sub treatment include sex? Because I’ve never been the submissive one before, I uh usually do doggy so my body isn’t seen as much. I’ve never even had a chick ride me before but you being on top sounds really hot, we don’t to have sex by the way, I was just saying if you wanted to I’m down” Matt confessed.

“If you stop talking about sex with other women, you have a deal. I might keep my shirt on though” I replied as I started slowly rocking my hips again. Matt’s grip on my waist tightened and he thrusted his hips up, his hard-on pressing against my clit so nicely that I let out a small, quiet moan. His eyes grew even darker after that, “No you will not. I wanna see your beautiful belly, I just know it’s gonna turn me on so much more” he instructed me.

I blushed and nodded, “Okay then handsome, just lay back and let me do all the work, tonight is all about you” I said, watching him nod before my lips were on his. I slid my tongue across his bottom lip, silently asking for access to his mouth which was quickly granted. He had a bit of trouble giving up control over the kiss at first but once I started trailing my kisses down his throat, he finally gave up on trying to win.

Matt’s pov

After Y/n had dominated the kiss, we made out for a bit before she started kissing down my neck. Once she reached the collar of my shit, she stopped and stood up to unbutton her pants. “If you really want me to make you feel good, take your pants off for me” she said seductively as she pulled off her own baggy jeans. I followed her directions and pulled my sweats off before grabbing her hand and leading her to sit on my lap again.

Y/n sat on my lap again before taking off her shirt, leaving her in a black lacy bra with matching panties. “Fuck… you look so goddamn beautiful” I said while looking into her eyes, my hands running up her thighs. “Mmm, thank you handsome. Can I take your shirt off?” she smiled, placing a short but sweet kiss to my lips, “You can do whatever you want to me” I panted, already being completely whipped for her.

She took my shirt off before whispering in my ear, “You’re such a good boy for letting mommy taking care of you like this” as I helped her get my pants and boxers off. “Such a pretty cock Matty. You gonna let me make you feel good?” Y/n teased, making me squirm a bit. “Please! Please just make me cum!” I pathetically begged as I watched her hand slowly move up and down my cock.

Y/n’s pov

“Anything for my sweet boy. Now tell me what it is that you want baby” I asked softly, loving how fucked out he looked already. “Want your mouth please mommy! Want you to ride me after!” Matt confessed all whiny and desperate, and who was I to deny him that? Without a word, I nodded before bring his tip into my mouth, loving the whimper he let out, “Yeah j-just like that, fuck!” he groaned as I swirled my tongue around his tip.

After teasing Matt a little bit, I decided to fully take him into my mouth, almost immediately deepthroating his cock. “Holy shit mommy! You’re so good at this! I won’t last long!” he cried out, bucking his hips up when I hummed against him. I continued doing this for a few more minutes when I felt Matt start to twitch in my mouth, his lower abdomen contacting as well.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! I’m gonna cum— shit!” he whimpered as his hips thrusted upward and his left hand came down to hold my head in place. His right hand was pulling at his own hair as he shout a huge load into my mouth, so much that it was literally dripping out of the corners of my mouth. As I came up for air, I wiped the corners of my mouth to clean up the spilled cum and then licked it off.

“Did that feel good Matty? You were such a good boy” I smile as I placed a sweet kiss to his lips. “More! I-I need more! Y/n please, I need you to ride me. I’m so fucking hard still, I need to drain my balls in you” Matt begged me. “So needed aren’t we?” “Yes, please I need you” Matt nearly yelled with tears in his eyes. “Okay, okay, calm down sweet boy. You’ll get what you want, just be patient” I spoke softly as I pulled off my panties and unhooked my bra.

Matts hands immediately went down to my ass, staring up at me with a look of desperation. “Are you gonna be a good boy?” “Very good!” I smiled as I slowly sunk down on his cock, trying to adjust to how long and thick it was. “S-So tight mommy! So f-fucking tight!” Matt whimpered out as I started to move up and down with the help of him. Both of us were moaning quite loudly as I started to move faster, pulling his hair in the process.

“Such a good boy Matty, making mommy feel so good with your big cock!” “W-Want you to cum. Wanna f-fill you up” Matt grunted as he started bucking his hips up into me at a fast pace. We were both very close and with one more thrust that hit my g-spot perfectly, I was cumming on his cock. “Fuck Matt, I’m cumming. Oh god— cum for me baby!” I cried as I rode through my orgasm, starting to slightly overstimulated but wanting Matt to cum.

With a loud whiny growl, Matt came inside of me, this load was equally as big as the one from earlier, instantly dripping down his balls. “Holy shit— I love you, and I’m not just saying that because you gave me the most mind blowing orgasm ever. I genuinely love you Y/n” Matt confess as he started to rub my back. “I love you too Matt, I mean it” I smiled as I placed a soft kiss to his lips “Don’t get off, cockwarm me all night please” he sweetly asked.

I agreed and we got situated so we could lay down, Matt turning off his bedside lamp in the process. “Tomorrow, I’m gonna take you on the best date of your life, but for now, goodnight pretty lady” “Goodnight Matt, I love you” I mumbled into his neck, feeling the sleep take over my body. “I love you too, and thank you for tonight. Now get some rest baby” was the final thing to be said before we drifted off to sleep.

All work is subject to copyright

© Daddyslilchickenfingers2 2023

Do not steal my work

[henneseyhoe]

Adonis being clingy with his wife and new baby.

Adonis x BLACK!FEM!reader

WARNINGS: postpartum depression mentions, other baby related stuff

SUMMARY: Adonis trying to be as helpful as he can, but the reader finds it a bit overwhelming while dealing with postpartum depression.

✮✮✮✮

“Pacifiers?”

“Check”

“Burping cloth?”

“Check”

“Bibs?”

“Check. Babe, we have everything. I promise” I chuckle, watching Adonis go through a list of baby necessities on his phone, while trying to calm the whining boy in his arms, the man being adamant on keeping everything where they need to be just for times like this when his son was irritated.

“We have diapers right?”

“Mhm”

“What about wipes?”

“Yes, all in the nursery, Donnie”

“Okay, good, good….you need anything? Thirsty?” He tucks his phone away, rocking the now resting baby in his arms.

“Mmm…water, maybe?” I shrug and he nods, rushing out of the room. He had been acting like this all day, running around the house like a chicken with its head cut off. I hadn’t even been home for two hours yet, just coming back from the hospitals secondary check up after a very unplanned home birth. The house was a mess from two days ago, my poor mother and brother being stressed out of their minds trying to deliver a baby that wasn’t supposed to be here just yet.

Luckily, him coming two weeks earlier didn’t matter and he was healthy as a horse. with the way he was screaming at the top of his lungs, you could tell that was a healthy baby. But, meanwhile I was pushing a 5 pound, big headed baby out of me, Adonis was scrambling to find a flight back to Cali so he could make it to the birth, which was unsuccessful. It took an entire day and some change to get back home, the man so disappointed in himself that he took a business trip so late in my 3rd trimester.

Though I told him to do it, he still felt bad, promising to never leave my side in circumstances like this ever again. The birth went smoothly even though it wasn’t expected, and as soon as Adonis landed, he was blowing up my phone with FaceTimes back to back. And he was completely serious with the ‘never leave your side” thing, cause he was on me like white on rice when he got home. Helping me to and from the bathroom, even though I could walk fine, supplying me with any kind of food or snack I asked for, diaper duty, which was the best perk, and massages.

He was showering me with all kinds of love and affection, but as fast as my high came from giving birth, the lows swooped in just as quick. The 6th day after birth came and postpartum depression came knocking. I was still functioning though. Not cause I wanted to, but because I had an infant now and had no time to dissect why I really felt the way I did.

As more days passed, I became more agitated with my circumstances and Adonis constant ‘bugging’. I knew it was from a place of love, but I needed rest before anything. I was just too cautious to tell him that, afraid I’d end up sounding like a bitch because I wanted a break from my husband for a few hours. Some women would have to beg their husbands to do what Adonis does, but I felt ungrateful because I didn’t have to, and quickly got tired of that because of emotions I couldn’t control.

✮✮✮✮

About three more days had gone by, and it had officially been a month since giving birth. My postpartum depression had subsided a bit, and I felt better about myself, but Adonis was the same, and so was my sleep schedule.

“…can I help you, sir?” I look over my shoulder, spotting my husband watching me intensely. The infant I had in my arms whines and mixes at the sudden movements, unlatching from my nipple for a moment before going right back to feasting. I was reclined in a couch placed in the nursery, praying to god that I could catch some Z’s.

“Huh?” He queries, still staring.

“You’ve been following me around the house like a lost puppy all day. Now you over my shoulder watching me nurse like I don’t know what I’m doing” I say, a bit agitated since I haven’t slept for more than a few hours everyday for the passed month.

“What? I know you know what you’re doing, baby” He completely ignores my other statement, his attention still drawn to my current ‘activity’. I blink at him for a prolonged second, then laughed, shaking my head. “Okay, well back up off my bumper, can you?” I suggest, waving him off with my hand. He sighs, leaning up and walking away. “Your daddy is a bit obsessed, don’t you think?” I look down at our son, his brown eyes fluttering closed as he begins to drift off into his fourth nap of the day.

I close my eyes too, relaxing.

‘Maybe I could sneak in a nap too’

just as I thought I was gonna have peace and quiet, I feel Adonis plop down right besides me, looking over my shoulder. I was in my right mind to lock him in a room now. I sigh, opening my eyes back up to the unpleasant sight of the sun shining through the baby blue curtains across from me. I’d rather see the inside of my eyelids. I was exhausted.

“…he looks like me, doesn’t he?” He pokes, smiling down at his new found pride and joy.

I slowly turn my head to the man, his face being so close to me that our noses touch. “Donnie…get outta my face” I mellowly warn him, ready to run him out of the nursery.

“I’m sorry! I’m just intrigued. I wasn’t there for when he came, I just wanna make that time back” I bite back a loud cackle for the sake of not scaring my son out of his cinnamon toned skin. Snorting, I cover my mouth.

Giving him a ‘be serious’ look with the tilt of my head, I uncover my mouth. “Donnie, please. It’s been almost five weeks since his birth, you came a day late, and it’s not your fault. Be happy you even found a flight that would get you back here so suddenly. Plus, you already made that 24 hours back, now you just being clingy” I say, pecking his lips twice. “It’s just a bit…overwhelming right now, that’s all,”

“I’m not saying it’s you, I’m not not really in a place to…ya know…be as social with you as I was before”

He nods, understanding. “And you know I love you, but sometimes I don’t need anything at all, just silence” Taking in everything I say, he doesn’t argue, understanding that maybe he was doing a little much on the waiting hand and foot, asking me questions at every movement I made.

He caresses my thigh, kissing my forehead. “I’m sorry. I’m really not trynna stress you, I just don’t wanna feel like I’m not doin’ enough, or want you to feel like I don’t care”

I smile. “It’s okay. Just tone it down a bit, okay? Next week I promise you can be as clingy with us as you want” he nods, starting to play with the little mitten that covered our sons hand. I knew he still wasn’t gonna leave any time soon yet, waiting for the baby to stop eating so he could hold him again. I just let him be. For now.

“Does it hurt?” He asks suddenly, and I shake my head. “Not really. It did for the first few times, but since he’s latching better, no”

“…he getting enough, right?”

I pause, my eyebrow raising at the man.

“Yes, my titties produce enough milk for our son. Any other questions, doc?” I ask with playful attitude.

He shakes his head, still looking. It was silent for a moment , only the sounds of summer rain tapping against the window and swallowing followed by shallow sighs from the infant being heard. That was until I decided to put my boob up and replace my nipple with his favorite paci since he had fallen asleep, remembering the doctor told me not to feed him while he’s not awake, considering my milk supply was fine and he gets full fast.

Yet, that still doesn’t stop my husband from breathing down my neck, attempting to reach for him, which I dodge by brushing him off with my shoulder.

Taking a breath, I glare at him. “What, Adonis? You wanna feed him?”

His eyes glimmer with excitement as he smiles, perking up at the simple question. “I can? Yeah” he asks before quickly answering.

“Grow some titties then” I pat his chest then stood to my feet, now attempting to burp the resting baby.

[aechii]

getting into a argument w jude before a big match and him thinking you two aren’t on good terms but before the game starts he spots you in his jersey in the crowd and has that extra boost of confidence to do well bc he considers u a good luck charm

₍⁠₍ DRiViNG FORCE ₎⁠₎

A/N ?! nothing much to say, other than, expect ALOT of jude works this next week heheh 🤭

in retrospect, jude's frustration was justified. blinded and consumed by workload- both her own and favours [y/n] had hesitantly agreed to take on- which had ultimately caused her deathly amounts of stress, she had missed jude’s past 5 games. it was something both her and him found distasteful, and after a long conversation, they had come to the (forced) agreement that she would show up to his next one, no questions asked.

so, of course, when she had informed him that she was due in for an extra day of work, unprecedented, jude’s uplifted mood and focused mindset merged into a catastrophic ensemble as annoyance and disappointment took over. and as she rushed around the kitchen to gather her things, jude remained stagnant and stood by the table as he watched her, frowning. 

“you’re really not coming?” jude questioned indignantly. it came out harsher than he intended, but with all due candor, he didn’t have the heart to care. 

[y/n] hurriedly leaned over the counter to grab her keys, but her boyfriend beat her to it, swiping it into his hands before shoving them into his pocket. 

“what the hell, jude?” 

“are you not listening to me? i asked you a question.”

jude’s stubbornness triggered [y/n] as she threw her arms up in the air. 

“what does it look like?” she retorted, annoyed, “i’m sorry but i really have to go.”

she attempted to reach for her keys, but was stopped by jude. his face turned frigid and a tide of disbelief succumbed him, “are you being serious right now? [y/n]- you haven’t been to any of my games for weeks!”

she checked the time, getting more desperate as she noticed it was 5 minutes past the time she was supposed to leave the house.

“jude, i’m sorry, okay? but i'm going to be late, we can talk about this later.”

he didn’t move, but rather stayed rooted in his spot, arms crossed as he glared at the girl before him. he was swallowed by fury, his mind trailing off on its own, and his mouth just let angered words tumble out.

“you’re so selfish. fucking go then.” his hand digs through his pocket, hurling the keys on the table before shoving his way back to the living room. 

[y/n] stood there, stilled with bewilderment as she attempted to process jude’s outburst. she understood that he had been m.i.a for the past few weeks, and hadn’t shown her face in support of jude. so much so, that fans started speculating that they had broken up, forcing them to reach dire needs of posting travel photos to compensate for her absence. 

but he needn’t call her that. they had talked about it many a time that [y/n] wasn’t ready to give up her job any time soon, and jude, albeit reluctantly, agreed for her to continue going. she knew it would be hard for him to understand as her work involved shifts and being called in spontaneously to fill in missing staff. 

[y/n] faded out of her shock, scoffing as her frustration lead her conscience, “if you want to be like that, then be like that jude,” she shouted to him, snatching her last belonging off of the table and heading to the door. 

she would've cared if she wasn't so pissed at jude, but she instead slammed the door behind her after jude slipped in his last attack. 

"i'll just find somebody else to wear my shirt then!"

+_-

jude could already feel how skewed his mind was the second his cleats sunk into the grass. he felt guilty, in all rights, for what he had said, but he truly was upset for the lack of [y/n]'s support. he realised that his game had dipped just bit, whether they lose or win, and consequently, his name was losing its shine on the scoresheet. 

everyone knew he performed better when she was there. gio had called her his 'good luck charm' to which jude replied with a sound of agreement because he thought so too. jude always had the urge to impress her even more, as if she wasn't vehemently aware of his talent, and it had him dominating the attacking line.

he could excuse 2 games maximum of no show, but now that this was turning into her 6th disappearance, he was getting fed up. 

"you look like there's a stick up your ass, what's wrong?" 

gio had commenced a side step circle around jude, in an attempt to dizzy the boy. it evokes a light look of judgment instead, but jude said nothing. 

"[y/n] isn't coming today… again."

his friend's face turns sympathetic and he stops his ministrations, walking up to him, "man, really?"

jude nodded, "yeah. and even if there was a slight chance she could, i've fucked that up too."

gio rolled his eyes, exhaling melodramatically, "what now?"

"i said that if she doesn't come then i'll just find someone else to wear my shirt." shame riddled his being, and his words progressively depleted in volume as gio looked punched by shock. 

"jude, what the fuck?" he tsked, "and how did she react to that? pissed? because it's very much deserved. matter of fact, i would've broken up with you."

jude's face turned hard, yet he felt his heart drop at the possibility. what he'd said was absolute shit, and it had given his girlfriend options, one of which was to leave him.

over his dead, fucking body.

"don't say that and no, we didn't break up. she just slammed the door and left."

"as if that makes anything any better, jude," gio retorted, arms crossed. he knew jude was quite an amateur when it came to gripping the reins of his feelings, but more times than not, it seemed like it was vice versa. 

marco noticed them slacking off, running up to them before they were being forced into a couple more training drills. jude knew that his playing headspace had to be on, but his conscience dallied between that and pondering over his fallout with [y/n] and he gave up, knowing that he was going to have another off-game. 

+_-

by half time, jude wanted out. they were 2-0 down, and marco was completely livid. his coach had watched them with complete confusion, trying to find the break in the circuit. if he had, and noticed that it was, in fact, jude himself, it was as if he was sworn to secrecy because most players but him were subbed out. 

jude had spaced out during the locker room talk, and his legs were on autopilot as they walked back into the field. his eyes were trained on the mass of black and yellow, in an attempt for a last string of hope, before he's interrupted by gio's voice. 

"jude, look!"

he pointed to the vip box, and jude squinted before his eyes set upon the undeniable stature of his girlfriend, dressed in his shirt. 

"no way."

his mind failed at formulating words, and the second they made eye contact, jude smiled and blew her a kiss. she didn't catch it, but rather gave him a humorous look that said, 'impress me'. 

gio watched the whole ordeal with a grin, hooking his arm around the boy before whispering in his ear, "fix the game, loverboy!"

jude snickers back, feeling his limbs light with exhilaration, "bet."

and the second he scored, he ran up to the stands, hands structured in his girlfriend's initial before making a heart. 

the smile she gave her would remain in his memories forever.

[jessmaybank]

My best friends brother series; Part 2 - Nothing good happens after 4am

Series masterlist

Outer banks masterlist

Pairing(s): Rafe Cameron x fem! Kook reader.

Word count: 1.6k

Summary: After doing your best to avoid him, tensions rise between you and Rafe at a kegger.

Warnings: alcohol use, swearing, SMUT, unprotected sex, Praise kink, Oral (f receiving), fingering, choking.

It’s been a week since you kissed Rafe at his house. The pain of your recent breakup seems little compared to the guilt that washes over you every day, knowing that Sarah would be so mad if she ever found out.

The day after, Rafe texted you saying that he’s not going to tell anyone about what happened. You were relieved to say the least, replying with a blunt thumbs up emoji. You haven’t spoke since.

You have avoided going over to the Cameron house, scared to face Rafe and his cocky self. The worst part though, was that even though you would never admit it, one kiss with Rafe had made you forget about your ex completely.

Instead, your mind was consumed in everything Rafe Cameron. The way his eyes would darken as he gazed at your own, the way his veiny hands would trace painfully slow circles on your thigh, making you so aroused. Even the way he-

“Earth to Y/N! What’s up with you” Sarah says, nudging your shoulder as you sit next to each other in class.

“Sorry, just daydreaming. Always happens when I’m tired” you lie. If only she knew you were imagining how her brothers hands felt wrapped around your neck as he pounded into you.

“Are you coming to the kegger tonight? It’s supposed to be the biggest one yet” she exclaims.

“That’s what they say every time Sarah” you scoff.

“I’ll take that as a yes. You can stay round mine after, I know what your parents are like” she replies.

Before you could protest, the bell rings to signal the end of the class, and Sarah shoots out of the class room. Shit.

Later that night, you were stood in front of the mirror checking yourself out. You decided to ditch your normal summer dresses and wear something a bit more…slutty. Instead, you settled for a tight pink satin dress that you borrowed from Sarah ages ago. If you were going to spend the night stressed out, at least you would look good doing it.

You got a lift to the party with JJ and the other pogues, your heart racing as your were anticipating the night to come. luckily, John b brought some drinks which helped you calm your nerves.

An hour into the party and you were actually having a really good time. Thankfully, it seemed Rafe and the others decided not to come.

That was, however, until you made your way over to the keg to get another drink. As you poured your drink, you felt a pair of hands snake their way around your waist.

“What the fuck” you say, turning around to realise it’s none other than Rafe, his large frame peering over your petite one.

Rafe’s bold move proved to be no suprise to you, he’s the type of person that when he knows what he wants, he takes it. And In this case, he wanted you.

“Missed me?” he says, a smirk painted on his handsome face.

“Are you crazy? What if someone sees us” you say, concern laced in your voice.

Rafe rolls his eyes as he retracts his hands from you, putting his hands in his pockets instead. You never knew someone rolling their eyes could be so sexy, but here he was.

As tempting as he was, and god was he tempting, your friendship with Sarah meant more to you than sex with some kook who would probably just fuck you once and then never speak to you again. You knew better than that.

“Rafe, listen to me. What happened last week was a one time thing, and a mistake. Just leave me alone, okay?” You protest, storming off to find your friends.

You hoped he got the message, but unfortunately your hopes were crushed when you received a text 5 minutes later.

Rafe Cameron: you look so sexy when your angry.

You scoff at your phone, which the pogues take notice of.

“What’s up?” Pope says.

You debate telling them everything, maybe they would understand?

“Nothing, just work. They’ve given me shifts all weekend” you lie, deciding you were in too deep to come clean now.

You managed to avoid him for the rest of the night, and when you and Sarah stumbled back to the Cameron house, you were thankful he wasn’t back yet.

You woke up in the spare room at about 4am, desperate for something to quench your thirst. You decided the only option was to tip toe downstairs and get a drink from the kitchen, surely everyone is in bed sleeping right now.

So that’s what you do. You wonder downstairs in one of Sarah’s baggy t shirts and drink what felt like a gallon of water. You were half way through your second glass when the lights flicker on.

“Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone” you say, looking up at Rafe as he walks towards you. Your sleepy state making you more moody than usual.

“I don’t know if you forgot, but this is actually my house” he replies sarcastically with a small chuckle.

The blue eyed boy standing in front you represented everything you hated. Greed, selfishness and everything in between. So why is my heart racing right now?

You glare at his smugness, and try to shove past him to head upstairs. To your dismay, he stops you.

“Has anyone ever told you you’ve got a bad attitude” he tuts, removing the glass from your hand and setting it on the counter, before returning his hands to your waist for the second time tonight. He towers over you easily.

The answer to his question was no. Usually, your a very polite girl who hates confrontation. Rafe just brings this side out of you, you couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

Your thoughts were interrupted as he pushes you against the counter, a small gasp leaving your mouth.

“I wanna fuck it straight out of you” he says, his blue eyes burning with desire.

“I can’t, i-“ your words were interrupted as Rafes lips met your neck, peppering light kisses and occasionally nipping at your skin.

That was all it took for your defences to come crashing down before him. You were completely and utterly burning for him. Maybe you didn’t have the self control you once thought you had.

Rafe grabs your neck and smashes his lips onto yours. This time, the kiss was anything but gentle. His tongue roamed around your mouth with want and need, and the passion was something you had never quite experienced before.

You pulled at his dirty blonde locks as your tounges fought for dominance, neither of you wanting to submit to the other.

Hungry for more, Rafe pulls down your panties and abandons them on the kitchen floor, before lifting you up onto the counter in one swift motion.

He peppers sloppy kisses down your neck and your chest, before reaching the place your burning for him the most, spreading your legs apart for him.

“So fucking wet for me” he hums, the flirtation in his voice sending waves throughout your body. Why does something bad always feel so goddamn good.

His tongue teases your clit as he peers up at you, watching the way your mouth opens and your back arches at his actions. The eye contact alone could make you cum right there and then.

He quickly inserts two fingers into you, the action making you cry out in pleasure.

He stands up as he continues pumping in and out of you, using his free hand to cover your mouth.

“Shh princess, wouldn’t want my sister to know how good I’m making you feel right now, would we?”

You shake your head, unable to form a reply as he hits spots in you no one else ever has.

“So good for me” he teases, watching your fucked out state beneath him.

You whimper as his fingers leave your core, which he chuckles at. He quickly removed his shorts and underwear, his cock springing out as your eyes slightly widen, gazing at the way pre cum was spilling out of him. He was a lot bigger than you imagined.

He wasted no time in pushing his pulsing cock into you. Your mouths both fall open as he fucks you, a string of moans and curses leaving you both at the overwhelming pleasure. his fingers entering your mouth to stiffle your moans once again. You can taste your arousal on his fingers, turning you on even more.

You don’t even care that anyone could walk down any minute and see him pounding into you, including Sarah. If anything, it’s making you want him more.

“Shit, Rafe” you moan, although your words are muffled by his fingers.

“So fucking tight for me, my good little girl” he says. The way your clenching around him has him feeling pure ecstasy right now.

He removes his hand from your mouth, bringing it down to your neck and squeezing before kissing you again. The kisses were sloppy, but perfect.

You can feel yourself starting to come undone as he fucks you into oblivion, the pleasure bringing you to a new high.

“Fuck I’m ganna-“ your cut of as your orgasm washes over you, your legs shaking as you bury your head in Rafes neck to stop your moans.

The way you clench around him sends Rafe over the edge as his hot cum spills inside of you, riding you through your high.

Yours and Rafes heathy breathing fills the silence in the room as he pulls out of you, resting his forehead against your own.

After a moment, Rafe breaks the silence with possibly the cockiest thing you’ve ever heard him say.

“See, the attitudes gone. All you needed was my cock inside of you” he whispers, his signature smirk returning to his tired face.

He leaves you there as he returns to his room, his cum spilling down your legs as you try to gather your thoughts.

What the hell have i just done.

[pokemonshelterstories]

Even after reading your FAQ and a bunch of asks you've answered, I'm still not sure if a shelter blog is the best place to ask this, so do feel free to delete this (or tell me privately that you won't post it, but only if you have the time and energy), but I can't think of anyone else, and if you do post it, you or some of your followers might have some interesting thoughts, so here goes:

How would you feel about using Pokeballs to catch Pokémon you're planning to eat?

For context, I and my siblings grew up in a small, mostly off-grid community, and while most details aren't relevant, we did hunt for food occasionally. We never used pokeballs, but instead bow and arrow, fishing rods, nets and traps.

These days I live closer to a big city, sharing a house with my brother, his husband, and their teenage son (my other nibling, their older child, has moved out a while ago, so they're not part of this story).

Last month, we visited the community my brother and I grew up in, and during our two week stay, I took my nephew on a hunting trip. He was decently enthusiastic to train his archery, but he asked why we don't just use pokeballs. Wouldn't it be easier? I didn't have an answer for him then, only that we'd been taught this way and that I'd never considered using pokeballs.

But I've been thinking about it. It would be easier, but wouldn't it also be more cruel? After all, by catching it in a pokeball, you're giving the pokemon false hope of a nice life with a trainer, only to then kill it. I feel like killing it quickly while it's still in the wild and doesn't know any better is more, like, honest maybe?

What do you or your followers think?

(If any angry vegans find this post, don't even waste your energy on a mean response or lecture, because most likely I have you blocked already, and if I don't, I'll correct that when I see you being rude to me)

oooh, this is an interesting ask to get...

i think this is really more of a matter of personal comfort with the idea of eating a pokemon that's been caught in a ball, but as long as it's done properly, i don't see anything wrong with it. after all, pokemon for the most part don't really have any concept of what's going to happen to them in the future.

as someone who hunts, you (i assume) understand our duty to give the pokemon we eat as painless of a death as possible. then, as trainers, we have a duty to maintain the 5 freedoms for our pokemon, which includes freedom from psychological stress. provided you meet those requirements, i think it's ok to catch a pokemon in a pokeball for the sake of eating it. it's more humane than certain types of traps that leave the pokemon struggling until the hunter comes to check them, and pokemon tend to relax in pokeballs, since they mimic the way pokemon curl up when healing. when the pokemon is released from its ball, you then just need to humanely slaughter it. there are some pokemon that i wouldn't do this with, since they don't immediately take well to being caught in a ball; buneary is a good example. but many common game pokemon do just fine.

i've actually used a different tool to help out with culling food pokemon- my styler! there are a lot of farms out near artazon, and rangers do sometimes get asked to help with keeping livestock mons calm in the moments leading up to slaughter. i've met rangers who aren't comfortable taking on those cases, and i've definitely gotten fussed at by my share of pokemon rights activists, but i think pokemon raised as food deserve as calm of an environment as possible. so, no, i dont think using pokeballs to trap game is cruel as long as you know what you're doing and don't stress the pokemon out. but if you're used to the way you already do things, don't feel like you have to change it up either.

[red-pill-to-swallow]

Doing your part in a relationship

Hey babes,

it’s Monday – a new, fresh week and the ultimate opportunity to make some changes.

I don’t know why it feels so much better to start a new routine on a Monday than it does on a random Wednesday.

I took some time after I posted my last two posts and really thought about the relationship dynamic between my man and me.

I thought about changes that I would like to make and what could help us to become a better couple.

Honestly, I was pretty shocked after all my thinking because it turns out that my man is the rock in this relationship and I am not sure why he is still sticking around when he could probably do so much better.

But let me explain:

I gave up working in my full-time job around January 2023 and have been home ever since then.

My man was aware that I was totally burned out from my job and offered me that I could stay at home and take care of the household chores.

Previously we used to split the chores around the house roughly 50/50. It was very fair and in some weeks he did more than me and some weeks I did more than him, like it’s in every relationship.

I would say that I am fairly good at housekeeping. I know how to cook, how to clean and how to do laundry.

However – I never before was responsible for everything. From going grocery shopping and planning meals to cleaning the bathrooms every week – suddenly all of this was on me.

I struggle really bad with organizing myself, this was one of the reasons why I was so burned out from my previous job, and I started slacking.

I would do the laundry one day and take three days before I started folding it. My man literally had no underwear one time and flipped out because that’s obviously disgusting and instead of improving – I started to get mad at him.

It wasn’t only the laundry, it also began affecting my cooking – which I loved doing before – and I would start making only frozen meals or just serving cold meat cuts with bread.

We started fighting a lot more because my man was sad, that instead of relaxing at home he would need to help me with my chores – after a full workday.

I had my epiphany a few weeks ago (when I made this blog) and realized that my man has every right to be mad at me. He does his job. I am not.

So, let’s see – my man works really though hours. He leaves the house early in the morning and comes home in the early evening. He’s usually stressed because his job is very demanding and he is responsible for a lot of people.

Imagine coming home to your girlfriend, who’s staying at home, and almost nothing is done. The fridge isn’t restocked, the floor is dirty and there is no food. After your shower you realize that you have no fresh underwear because your girlfriend didn’t wash any.

I would flip out too.

My behavior was/is borderline disrespectful and I am honestly ashamed because of it. I would have broken up with me if I was him.

But here we are – still together and I don’t plan on dodging this second chance.

I think many girls that want the lifestyle of a spoiled girlfriend or a stay at home girlfriend don’t realize how hard it is to organize a whole household on your own.

Yes, there might be some men out there that are so rich that they don’t mind employing staff to help around the house, but I don’t think that this is achievable for a woman in her twenties without having various high value connections in the right circles. At least I don’t have those connections.

I am responsible for keeping the house clean, making food and going grocery shopping. That takes maybe 5 hours of my day and the rest of the time I can do whatever I want.

My man only wants to come home to a clean, organized house with a stocked fridge and possibly a hot meal on the stove.

Honestly – he is the one that is working his ass off every day, not me.

The worst is, that I even started to neglect my appearance. I used to shave every second day and that slowly progressed to only once a week. I used to color my hair religiously and worked out at least three times a week.

Now I haven’t touched up my hair in over three months, my roots are disgusting and I am very ashamed because of it. I mean, even though my man pays for my beauty appointments – I couldn’t get my ass up.

However, I cleaned our whole house today. From the bottom to the top. It’s spotless. I did laundry and went grocery shopping and I made a plan on how to maintain all of those things.

I won’t share the plan just yet because I want to make sure that I can actually follow it before I share it with you.

What should you take with you after reading this rant?

Be careful that you’re always a responsible partner. Don’t be like me. If you’re telling your partner that you plan on doing something – actually follow through and do it. Don’t disappoint them all the time.

Make sure that you acknowledge what they do for you and thank them for it every once in a while.

It is unattractive to be lazy and not being able to keep up with your standards. It’s unfair to your partner to let yourself go and they have every right to be upset about it.

Think before you speak and start an argument. Are you really right? Is it worth to start an argument about something that is your responsibility?

I mean, my man made it clear in the beginning: If I want to stay at home and live a cozy life – I have to take care of the house while he works and provides for us both.

He does his part of the agreement. Every single day.

I’ve only done my part of the agreement when I felt like it and that is not okay. But I am changing and I know that he has already forgiven me for all the hassle.

See you soon

[is-the-snake-video-cute]

Hey, I've tried searching your blog for this but I could only bring up posts advocating against rack systems (rightly so obviously)

I recently got an adult ex breeder BP, she's massive (5'7") and was kept in a 12 gallon bare bones rack tub for her whole life. I got her because a pet shop near me that bred snakes is shutting down, I did pay for her which I feel bad about but they aren't breeding anymore so I guess I'm not funding unethical breeding? Anyway that isn't really relevant I just am rambling

I've heard that taking a BP from a rack system and putting them in their forever enclosure can be really really stressful for them so right now she's still in her tub on my desk but I feel really bad keeping her there.

I have a 6x2x2 set up, I wanted to get a 6x2x3 or 6x3x3 even but couldn't afford it so I'm hoping that's good enough for her.

But how would you transition her to that enclosure? I recently gave my house snake a bioactive enclosure and I love it so the 6x2x2 for the BP has been cycling as bioactive for about 3 weeks (Ive had her 5 days) and seems stable but I'm worried that it's too much and she'll hate it and go off food and stuff (she's quite skinny too:()

But yeah I would really appreciate, if you have the time, any advice on this front. Thank you very much and keep up the good work 👍💟

I just went through this with my new Borneo python, Hobie. Just like your girl, he's spent his entire life in little tubs in racks.

You're right that transitioning a snake like them into their full enclosures is something that should be done delicately! I'll tell you my process and what I do to make it easier for them.

One challenge that you might have is with your enclosure already being set up as bioactive. That's probably going to be quite a bit more overwhelming, and my main concern there is with the lighting. If she doesn't respond well, it's going to be hard to tell if that's because she's just adjusting or because she just doesn't like the lighting (some ball pythons just don't, but unless she's albino or another melanin-reducing morph it's not a bad idea to give it a try).

If it's possible, my idea for you would be try to try transitioning her to a less overwhelming enclosure first. I set my Hobie up in a 40 gallon for now, even though he's going to be moving to a 6x2 later down the line. If you do that, you'd be able to slowly get her used to the lighting once she's adjusted to a larger enclosure itself. If you can't do that, consider adding as much shade as possible for her and even keep the lights off for as much as you can.

Alright, so my process for transitioning former breeder snakes to more appropriate enclosures prioritizes going at the snake's pace and ensuring their comfort.

The first thing I do is put their tub directly into their new enclosure. Just right on top of everything, don't even worry about it. Your goal is keep your snake in a familiar environment while also exposing them to new stuff. Check out Hobie's setup - literally just the tub, substrate, and a water bowl plopped inside the bigger enclosure. You're going to feel tempted to give them lots of new clutter and enrichment - don't. Keep it simple and easy for them, you don't want to overwhelm them!

Then, be patient and let them explore at their own pace. Some snakes will leave their take-home tub almost right away, some will take weeks. Hobie took three weeks before he started feeling comfortable and confident enough to explore outside of it. During this time, offer food and feel free to handle a bit, but keep it short and sweet.

Your snake will likely retreat back to the tub a couple times, but eventually they'll find their new hides and check them out! Wait until they're comfortable - calm, resting, and relaxed inside their new hiding places - and then you can take the tub out.

Once they're comfortable in their full enclosure, it's time to introduce them to enrichment! They'll probably need you to show them their climbing branches and other enrichment items - snakes like them just aren't used to being able to do natural behaviors. Hobie had a great time when he learned he had a swimming pool all to himself!

Take it very slow when you add new things, and don't be afraid to backtrack if your snake gets spooked. Hobie got a little stressed when we tried adding more tunnels for him to check out, but it's fine to take things out and re-add them if your snake isn't ready just yet.

Your snake probably won't know quite how to interact with their environment at first, so just be patient with them! Right now, Hobie's going through a phase where he just hasn't realized he needs to avoid burrowing in substrate that is wet, but short-tails love to soak anyway so it's not a big deal. There will be so many opportunities to find joy in watching them learn and explore!

All the best to you and your girl! It can be a little heartbreaking to get snakes like her adjusted to their new setups, but with time and lots of patience, it doesn't need to be stressful for either of you! Remember to go at her pace and lean into what makes her feel most comfortable.

[kleefkruid]

How is Kotelet dealing with being an inside cat? And Marcel?

Honestely the answer is 'too busy being baby machine'. So I trapped her about 4 tot 5 days (can't remember) before she gave birth and then she was miffed about it, but that was of course because she was looking for the best possible nesting place and we know 'best' for her means somewhere out in the rain beneath some bush. But she yowled on the windowsill for one day before she became too pregnant to even get on the windowsill so from then on she was mainly sleeping and throwing grumpy looks at the door like 'you know what I'd be doing if I wasn't a football on legs now.'

Since then she's been nursing non-stop, had her fever and is just exhausted having 5 mouths to feed so she just eats. She wants to walk around the apartment especially in the morning (she'd always come in while I was making coffee bc that's when the balcony door opened usually) but she's just too tired, which is entirely normal at this point.

So how will she be when she gets more energy? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that she still refuses cat food, and at this point I don't know if she'll ever accept it? I do have to manage my expectations since she's a certified feral cat. It's rare (but possible) to even get a feral friendly with humans but she'll never turn into a full couch potato.

Once the kittens are weaned onto kitten food I'll have a go at trying to get her onto cat food by simply not giving chicken anymore, but I don't know if it'll work.

Long term: Right now we have a good house with a safe protected area where plenty of people feed her and she can catch mice, but if I'd have to move to a less than ideal place for a feral cat, I wouldn't want to leave her behind so then we'd have to look for a farm set-up or something, somwhere where she can hang out with humans whenever she wants but catch her own food.

But first we'll see what I can do in the next weeks, it's just important to remember this is a feral cat and she missed the window to be a full house cat. Keeping her inside idefinitely is just not a possibility from a wellfare perspective, even orgs from very pro-housecat countries advice against that. (bc the stress can literally kill them) But she'd be a very succesful social cat in a spayed and protected colony.

Oh and Marcel and Oskar are doing fine, Kotelet is in the bedroom so I can just close that door and then they can sit on the balcony whenever they want, and I got a feliway refill which Marcel reacts to well! if only they weren't too expensive to buy more often :') So Kotelet is high on mommy pheromones and the others on fake ones haha. Peace and love on earth for everyone except me who sadly doesn't react to kitty drugs, I wish I wish.

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

status of babbit's life yeehaw

tl,dr: busy moving and a couple of other big life things that just complicate things, but well on the way to being back to normal! new fic chapters and better quality art coming soon.

tl,wr (too long, will read):

Helloooo what's up its me, Babbit. or Rabbit. or Bones. or Idiot Moron Menace Child, idk im not picky lol

i know a lot of you guys have been wondering wtf is up with my upload schedule lately and the extreme lack of even basic content and also i am extremely aware that i have not updated my fics in a few millennia and for that i am very, very sorry. this post is to answer a few questions you might have, if anyone was curious about the 'reason' instead of just the 'when.'

my family and i have had a hell of a year, y'all. like, jesus christ, i really hope things level out and calm down for a while once we're moved in to our new apartment bc god damn we are so tired. the list goes: 1. we got kicked out of the house we were renting-to-own bc we wouldn't be able to afford the new rate, so they gave us two months to find a new place to live (not long enough, it turns out) and then foreclosed to get us out. 75% of our belongings were still in the house when we had to leave. that includes all of our christmas ornaments- including the ones kept for decades, and the ones made by me and my siblings, and the fancy ones made from blown glass. 2. the first night out of the house, one of our dogs, freaked out by the strangeness of the situation, panicked and slipped her harness and ran off. that was over a year ago. we haven't seen her since. 3. my cat got very ill and became unable to eat. she passed away almost exactly a year ago. she had been 14-15, and had been my baby since i was maybe 8. 4. one of the tires on my dads car blew out. during the night, while it was parked on the curb so he could put the spare on in the morning, one of the in-tact tires was fucking stolen LMAO 5. we applied to rent at so many places and got rejected so, so many times. it costs money to apply, btw. we're talking like $200+. no, u don't get that money back. 6. i lost my job bc knowing i would have to work 8 hours at a job that stresses me out to the point of exhaustion (at a place where no one takes me seriously and would actively laugh at me when i try to express my need to step away for a minute) sometimes paralyzed me and made me sick to my stomach and made me feel unable to leave the house, and i called out one too many times. a day after my birthday, too! 7. just recently, like within the last week, my dad's car got fuckin totalled!!!!!

THE GOOD NEWS IS WE OFFICIALLY, FINALLY, AFTER A SOLID YEAR, HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!! I'LL HAVE MY OWN ROOM AGAIN!!! THERE'S AN ENTIRE KITCHEN!!!!!!!

the 'oh god' news is we still have to move in, and replace a lot of the stuff that we just couldn't take with us when we moved out (mostly stuff like bookshelves, dining table, dressers, etc) AND get the few things we could cram into a storage center out and moved into the new place, which isn't a lot but at the same time is more than we can realistically handle on our own. and then, we have to get my mums cats (a pair of kitty sisters that we had to temporarily house with my aunt, who got tired of looking after them and let them outside to be outdoor cats a few months ago. yes, this was an extremely shitty thing to do, and we've been working hard to get them back safely) AND my gecko (who my cousin has been looking after, even tho feeding him worms freaks him out LMAO yes i plan on compensating him) moved in, as well... basically oh my god there is so much to worry about but at the same time it's nice to have to worry about it bc it means we're making progress sdkfhsjdkfhdsjfh

basically i am just so tired but so busy and also thinkin abt so much im so sorry for lack of stuff but i am so looking forward to being able to bounce back, pls stick with me, it'll be sorted out soon i think and then i'll hit y'all with some good stuff i promise!!!!!!!

anyway thank u guys i love u and appreciate u all for sticking around

[heavenlyhoundoom]

Sun and Moon show incorrect quotes.

1.Eclipse: I’m totally useless. Moon: You’re not totally useless. Moon: You can be used as a bad example.

2.Ruin: Don't have a bookmark? Try ketchup instead!! Bloodmoon: What makes you think I read?

3.Lunar: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under.

4.Ruin: Watcha doin? Bloodmoon: Stealing my neighbour’s cat. Ruin: Scandalous. Ruin: Can I help?

5.Bloodmoon: Who wants to make fifty bucks? Eclipse: How? Bloodmoon: I need someone to take the fall. Eclipse: What did you do? Bloodmoon: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked. Sun, from the other room: Oh my god. Bloodmoon: … Sun: OH MY GOD! Eclipse: Make it a hundred. Bloodmoon: Deal.

6.Earth: Do you know a turtles only weakness? Moon: No… well, their slowness. Earth: Their weaknesss is they can't roll over when they are on their backs. Earth: Now I have a plan. Earth: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.

7.Bloodmoon: You're a lying piece of shit! Eclipse: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD! Earth: I'm leaving and I'm taking Lunar with me! Sun, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

8.Ruin: I wanna sleep for 40 hours. Eclipse: You know that's called a coma, right? Ruin: Ruin: That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.

9.Eclipse: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Eclipse lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

10.Moon: So, Bloodmoon and Ruin. Moon: According to this, you two are being accused of: Armed Robbery, Vandalism, Drug Abuse, Grand Theft Auto… Bloodmoon: We had a bad day. Moon: And… MURDER?! Ruin: It was a pretty bad day…

11.after the Squad has been separated for a few years Eclipse: So what have you been up to recently? Lunar: Leading a revolution with Earth. Eclipse: Good for you two! Me, I've joined the mob. Lunar: nods Oh, how cool! That's awesome! Eclipse: I know! Anyway, have you heard from the others? Ruin? Lunar: Happily living as a hermit in the woods. Moon? Eclipse: Wrongfully locked up in an asylum, which reminds me, we need to break him out later. Bloodmoon? Lunar: Cult leader. Eclipse: Yeah, that sounds about right.

12.The Squad is playing Chess Ruin: easily beats everyone because they know how to play Bloodmoon: doesn’t know the rules, but wins anyway Lunar: doesn’t know the rules, and loses Moon: knows the rules, but still loses to those who don’t Eclipse: Actually, you can’t do that, because I said so. Earth: They named a board game after cheese?

13.Eclispe: It’s illegal to look better than me. Bloodmoon: I guess we’re all going to jail then.

14.Ruin: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times. Moon: I hope you understand how food poisoning works. Ruin: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger i couldn’t eat.

15.Eclipse: I’m telling you, my team is competent. Ruin, rushing in: Eclipse! Bloodmoon tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now it's broken!

16.Ruin: I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two people in my entire life: Bloodmoon and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Bloodmoon.

17.Bloodmoon, after sneaking into Lunar’s bedroom: Hey, wake up! Lunar, half awake: Huh!? Bloodmoon: I just murdered your entire family! Lunar: …But I live alone. Bloodmoon: Huh? Then who are these people in your house??? Lunar: There’s people in my house? Bloodmoon: Well not anymore! Dumb bitch! You could’ve died! You’re welcome!

18.Sun: I want to be like a caterpillar. Lunar: Explain. Sun: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful. Earth: You know they have a lifespan of a week, right? Sun: Sun: That's just another highlight!

19.Eclipse: I need some help with my homework, Earth. Earth: What’s the assignment? Eclipse: I’m supposed to write a paper that presents both sides of an issue and then defends one of the arguments. Earth: What’s your issue? Eclipse: That’s the problem. I can’t think of anything to argue. Earth: That’s hard to believe. Eclipse: I’m always right and everybody else is always wrong! What’s to argue about?!

20.Bloodmoon: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Eclipse and Lunar's convo? Moon: Me. I'm in the laundry basket. Earth: I'm in the washing machine. Sun: I'm in the closet. Moon: We accept you Sun. <3 Sun: No I'm literally in the closet. Moon: Love is love. <3

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my aunt to either leave my grandma alone or pay her more?

So I (19ftm) am back in my hometown for a little while (I moved recently for school reasons and to get away from…well, this type of family drama) and I’m staying with my grandma (57) to avoid getting a hotel for several weeks. My aunt (40) has 3 young children (ages 9, 2, and one baby that’s about half a year old now) that she leaves with my grandmother while she goes to work. Granted, my aunt has 2 older children (24 and 20) that my grandmother primarily raised. Funny thing is that my grandma said she wouldn’t take care of more kids after the first one (though we lived in the same house, my parents made sure to not ask my grandma to take care of me because of this), but that didn’t stop my aunt from crying and begging her to take care of them while she goes to work.

So, my aunt is a nurse and I know she makes good money, and so does her boyfriend (the father of the 3 younger kids). Either of them alone make more in a year than my mom, my dad, and I make combined, but they pay my grandma 100 dollars per week (she takes care of 3 kids for 8.5 hours a day, 4-5 days a week) to take care of these kids. While I’ve been staying, I obviously try to help my grandma take care of the kids but even with me helping her it is a lot. Like I cannot emphasize just how stressful this is, and my grandmother and I both have pretty significant bone problems. My aunt’s kids are pretty heavy, but we often have to carry the 2 year old and obviously the baby.

While having dinner with my family (aunt, grandparents, uncle, cousins) a few days ago, I brought this up to my aunt (that it’s dangerous to make my grandmother take care of these kids all day when she already has osteoporosis amongst other things) and she got offended. I told her that it’s not fair that my grandmother is almost 60 and still pressured into taking care of kids that aren’t hers when she set the boundary over 20 years ago that she wouldn’t take care of more kids. My aunt started crying and told me that I don’t know what it’s like to be a mother, that I don’t know how stressful it is to be a professional woman and also a mother of 5 (which, true, I don’t). I snapped at her and told her that she doesn’t know what it’s like to be a mother of 5 because she hasn’t actually raised any of her kids—my grandmother has.

My grandmother tried to brush it off (despite venting to me the previous day) this is where I might have really been an asshole, since I told my aunt what my grandma said. That it was a lot, it was unfair, she’s old and tired and had two kids (my aunt and my mother) and didn’t sign up to raise all these other kids when she’s well into her fifties, that my aunt is taking advantage of her, etc etc. Then I finished it off by telling my aunt that if she has any respect for her mom, she should either pay my grandmother minimum wage at least ($15 an hour) or suck it up and get a babysitter.

My aunt and cousins (9, 20, 24) have not talked to me since, and I know maybe I overstepped/it’s not my business since I now live on the other side of the country, but also I’m not entirely sure anymore. Thoughts?

What are these acronyms?

[imagine-a-life-like-this]

Kiss It Better (J.WY)

Word Count : 1910

Warnings : drinking, partying, swearing, slight angst (but mostly fluff)

Synopsis : A drunk confession leads to tears and there's only one way to fix it; kiss it better.

Author's Note : This was a really cute request, and I had a lot of different ideas for it, but this is the one I landed on. I hope you enjoy it 💕

Music spilled into the deserted streets, getting louder the closer she got to the house. There were drunk students sprawled out on the lawn doing varying activities. Some were making out, others were just talking. But she took no mind to it, by passing every single person, and entering the house.

            An overwhelming scent of booze and sweat wafted up her nose, and she wondered why she even came in the first place. “Y/n!” His voice was clearly heard over the music, unsurprising to her due to the fact that Wooyoung is known to be very loud. He practically ran over to her, pushing passed people trying to talk to him, and pulled her into his arms.

            This is the reason she came. Jung Wooyoung, her best friend for as long as she can remember. He had told her about the party weeks ago and she had originally agreed to make an appearance, but with multiple deadlines and other stresses, she had told him she would have to skip out just once.

            But that wasn’t good enough for Wooyoung who took to texting her every 5 minutes telling her to come. Every time his frat threw a party, she was right by his side. Or with one of the other frat members, which usually ended up being Hongjoong. But she would always end up wrapped up in Wooyoung’s arms by the end of the night, without fail.

            “I’ve shown my face, can I go home now?” She asked, pushing away from the hug, trying her best not to breathe through her nose as the scent of alcohol exuded off Wooyoung.

            “You just got here.” He pouted. “I haven’t seen you in two weeks and now you’re here and you want to leave.” She shook her head at her very obviously drunk best friend. Wasn’t Hongjoong supposed to make sure he didn’t drink too much?

            Glancing around the room, she could see Hongjoong chatting it up with his long time crush, answering her unasked question of how Wooyoung could have gotten so drunk. “Well, seeing how drunk you are, I don’t think I should leave you alone. Let’s get you to bed, Woo.” She snaked her arm around his waist to lead him towards his room.

            “Will you stay with me tonight?” He slurred, tripping over the first stair. It happened every single time he got drunk and she wonders sometimes if he does it on purpose as a way to pull her closer.

            Physical touch has always been a love language of Wooyoung’s, and when they first met, and for the first few years of their friendship, she had no problems with how touchy he got with her. She had quite enjoyed all the movie nights curled into his side, wrapped up under the same blanket despite there being multiple other ones that one could use. Or the mornings she would wake up with him clinging to her even though she clearly remembered falling asleep alone the previous night.

            But over time, she noticed some changes. The way her skin would burn with every lingering touch. How her heart would speed up every time his face was close to hers. She would glance at his lips while he spoke and wonder how they would feel against her own.

            She hated the way jealousy would bubble up when a girl would hit on him in front of her. Or how her heart would break every time he laughed when someone asked if she was his girlfriend. These things never used to bother her. He never used to effect her like this. She used to see him as just a friend, but that wasn’t true anymore.

            In true rom-com fashion, she fell in love with her best friend. One day he was her idiotic best friend and the next he was the endearing guy that was always there for her. “Please stay with me.” He whispered after hearing no reply to his question.

            “Okay.” Why did he have to be her only weakness?

            The upstairs was only slightly quieter, the music still loud, but the people were scarce. Despite Wooyoung’s entire body weight leaning onto her, she got him to his room pretty easily, quite used to drunk Woo. “Wear my shirt. I like seeing you in my clothes.” He let go over her to lift his shirt over his head, handing it to her with a smile.

            “Wooyoung, I’m not going to wear your sweat covered, booze smelling t-shirt to bed.” She protested, causing him to pout and whine at her, shoving the shirt into her hands. “You’re such a baby when you’re drunk.” She giggled to herself. “Can I at least wear a clean shirt?” His face lit up as he nodded, rushing over to his dresser, and throwing open the t-shirt drawer.

            “This one!” He shoved a simple black, crew neck tee into her hands, pulling a similar one over his own head. “We can match!” Why is he so much cuter when he’s drunk? It’s not helping the growing fondness in her heart, or the ache she felt when she remembered that he was just her friend.

            “Okay. But we also need shorts to wear.” Without a second thought, Wooyoung just pulled his pants down, proudly showing her his boxers.

            “Boxers are like shorts.” He chuckled, quickly sliding into his bed. “You can sleep in your underwear too!” He looked at her with childlike wonder in his eyes, and though she really didn’t want to, she gave in, disappearing into his bathroom to change, and wash her face of any makeup.

            When she came back, she had expected him to be asleep already, but he was still sitting exactly where she left him, same childlike wonder in his eyes. “Wooyoung, you need to sleep now.”

            “I just wanted to see how pretty you looked in my shirt.” He pouted, making grabby hands at her, signalling that he wants cuddles. She placed her clothes on the chair in the corner of his room before crawling in beside him, Wooyoung immediately pulling her into his arms. “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, Y/n.”

            He was tracing shapes into her exposed skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. Her heart was racing as he wrote I love you over and over into her skin, peppering short kisses onto her shoulder each time he finished. Jung Wooyoung was not good for her health. “Wooyoung.” She said sternly, but he didn’t say anything, just continued writing on her skin. But when she went to speak again, she heard a sniffle, causing her to whip around in his arms to face him, quickly noticing the tears falling down his cheeks. “Hey, talk to me, What’s wrong?”

            She cupped his face so she could wipe away the tears, but they just kept coming. Wooyoung was a clingy drunk, a childish drunk, a danger seeking drunk, but he was not an emotional drunk. He was the kind of drunk that would jump off the roof into a pool and then wrap you in a tight hug, getting your clothes all wet, laughing in your ear the whole time. But he was not the kind to talk about his feelings, let alone cry.

            “I’m scared if I tell you, I’ll never see you again.” He could barely meet her eyes, and that hurt her more than anything. Never in their years of friendship had Wooyoung ever been so afraid to tell her something that he couldn’t even look into her eyes. “You abandoned me for 2 weeks and I have never felt so lonely. I don’t know what I’d do if you left permanently.”

            “Wooyoung, no matter what you say to me, I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me for the rest of your life, okay?” Slowly he looked up, as if they were filming a cheesy rom-com and the two main leads were meeting for the first time.

            “Even if I told you I’m in love with you?” All her movements halted. She stared into his eyes, looking for a sign that he was lying, that he was pulling her leg, pranking her, anything. But all that she could see was more tears welling up the longer she stayed silent. “I knew it.” He whispered, averting his gaze once more, pulling her hands off his face, and turning away completely.

            This caused her to snap back to reality, allowing his words to fully process in her mind. He had just confessed, and she said nothing. How could she not say anything? “Woo, look at me.”

            “Wooyoung is sleeping now.” He mumbled, but she could still hear the sob he choked back. She slid out of bed and walked to the side he was facing, gently grabbing his face in her hands so he couldn’t look away. She could feel his face burning under her touch, bringing a small smile to her face.

            “Did you mean it?”

            “Of course I did. I’ve been in love with you for so long. Everyone says I’ve been so obvious with my feelings that you obviously knew and just didn’t feel the same. And that’s okay, I can’t force you to love me, but I really don’t want you to leave. I can deal with you not loving me back, but not having you at all, that would be hell. So please-“

            She cut him off with a kiss. Gently pressing her lips to his, telling him to shut up with a sweet gesture. His lips were a lot softer than she imagined. They tasted salty from the tears still streaming down his cheeks mixed with the booze he had earlier, but that didn’t stop her from getting addicted to the feeling of his lips on hers. “Who said I don’t love you?” She whispered once she pulled away. “Because they couldn’t be more wrong.”

            “Holy shit, you just kissed me.” She laughed, slightly shaking her head at how cute he was being. “Oh my god, you just said you loved me.” His eyes went wide as he stared at her, and she just nodded. “Can I get another kiss?”

            “In the morning, if you still remember everything that happened, you can have as many kisses as you want.”

            “I’ll never forget this moment. Now come back to bed.” He pouted, wrapping his arms around her waist, and pulling her on top of him, before rolling onto his other side, successfully getting her into a spooning position. “I love you.”

            “I love you too, Woo.”

~

            The sun was shining through the window, but that’s not what woke her up. Wooyoung was peppering kisses all over her face, barely missing her lips each time. “Oh good, you’re awake!” He then pressed his lips to hers in a series of small pecks.

            “Well this is certainly a nice way to wake up.” She giggled, slowly sitting up. “So I’m guessing you remember what happened last night?” He nodded, the biggest smile she’s ever seen plastered on his face.            

“And if I remember correctly, you said I could have as many kisses as I want. And I want them all.” Before she could say anything else, he had tackled her onto the bed, pressing kisses all over her face once again, before placing a kiss on her lips. Multiple I love you’s were whispered in between kisses, making up for all the time they had lost hiding their feelings behind friendship.

[wuahae]

hihi my lovely cat!! congratulations on hitting 1k gal 🥳✨ may i request 22:30 with sangyeon, where you both are just strolling down the beach hand-in-hand enjoying the breeze and ocean waves, basically a soft fluffy lil drabble hehe

and and!! rank your top 5 fav tbz era!! love you loads 😚🫶🏻💖🫂

[22:30] / on the beach

the waves roll into the shore gently, water lapping at your feet for brief seconds before pulling away once more. sandals held in your hands, each step you take leaves footprints behind on the wet sand beneath you, moonlight catching onto the darkened imprints before the water washes them away again.

“it’ll be nice to remember,” you say, tilting your head up at sangyeon. “the perfect night before we have to leave.”

sangyeon smiles, your other hand placed securely within his. “so you’d say this was a good honeymoon location after all?”

you give him a face, swinging his hand once in emphasis. “you have to admit, the beginning was a little rough.”

right as you’d arrived at the airport in the morning, the plane had been delayed for ten hours, which meant you would miss the connecting flight to your destination, which also meant you spent your entire morning rebooking flights and calling hotels for a trip where you were supposed to be enjoying yourselves. and then half your luggage ended up getting lost, so even when you arrived at the vacation, things were still a mess you needed to fix.

“yeah, but,” sangyeon squeezes your hand once, his dimple two dots deep. “we made the rest of the trip worth it, didn’t we?”

you sigh, smiling back at him. “you’re right. we made the best out of it.”

the moon glows bright tonight, light cascading across the quiet sea. it was something you’d seen every night since you came here—the stars were always a comforting sight, a release from whatever you’d been penting up during the day, a constant you could always rely on. it’s always been like that, ever since you could remember.

the way that no matter how terrible your day or week or month had been, no matter how many changes were happening in your life, you knew you could look up to the sky and know that there would always at least be the stars waiting there for you. they were a stability, a reassurance, something you were eternally grateful for especially in this new stage in your life.

in truth, you don’t want this night to ever end, because after it does, then it’s back to reality—the stress over packing everything back into your suitcases, the long flight back tomorrow morning, the end of your peaceful vacation.

“can we just stay here?” you ask, hopelessly. “i haven’t even finished packing all of the stuff to move to the new house…”

“well, if you never leave then it’ll never get packed, will it?”

pouting, you kick the sand mid-walk. “can’t you just indulge me?”

“darling,” sangyeon says, and your brain stops. “you know i always do.”

somehow, all these years and a ring on your finger and that word formed sweetly from his mouth never fails to have you short-circuiting for hours. sangyeon definitely knows it (that dirty schemer), judging by how he uses it only when he wants you as malleable as possible to get his way.

“besides,” he continues, “once we get the hard things out of the way, we’ll have that whole house ready as our reward.”

the way he said ‘darling’ still echoes through your brain, but not enough for you to not remember what consisted of the new house. on its own, it was actually a lovely house, located in a small town in the countryside where there was more farmland than infrastructure. what it lacked in the usual city’s hustle and bustle, it made up for in the peaceful quiet that came with the location; even just looking at it at first glance, you knew it was the right place for you. 

(it felt like love, in a way. no longer a sparking sensation nor the fireworks that came with a new passion, but rather, a steady flame. the gentle warmth of a fireplace, a mug still steaming on the coffee table.)

but with the new place came new threats, threats consisting of your elderly neighbors, grannies whose eagle eyes seemed only to sharpen with age, honed specifically to pick out handsome men with a calling to be their dream son-in-law.

well. sangyeon already was a son-in-law, and he already had a wife, so really you just want to tell these old grannies to buzz off.

“sangyeon,” you rest a hand on his arm, grave. “you know you have to be careful once we move.”

he looks at you like you’ve swallowed too much salt water. “what?”

“you know…” you press, dead serious. “i’m not going to be around for a lot of the day since i’m in the next town for work, and you’re going to be manning the house all by yourself, i…” you trail off, gripping his arm tighter. “i’m worried.”

“darling, everyone around us is in retirement?”

‘darling’  won’t save him now. “exactly.”

from your brief visits while moving some of your early stuff in, sangyeon has gained enough attention from the old ladies from seeing him around town and running into him at the grocery store they’ve become bold enough to comment on how lucky his wife must be to have him, how any woman would be so blessed to have him in their lives. sangyeon relays it to you as a nice encounter from your future neighbors, but you know their games. you know what they’re after.

(you know precisely what moment they catch the ring on his finger because there’s always a dirty look and a ‘tsk’ that follows immediately after. hmph.)

sangyeon shoots you a look that’s half affection and half exasperated, as if he’s heard your grievances far too much to take them seriously (he has. he should!). “don’t be silly, before we left, miss yoon said that she could introduce her daughter to me! she said she had a great collection of cabbages and could give me some tips on how to start my own cabbage garden too—”

“are you saying our marriage is over before it truly begins!”

“what?”

“you’re going to get stolen from me… under the promise of good cabbages!”

sangyeon gives you a pointed look. “you’re being silly.”

“i’m not. i’m not…” you grip him tighter. “locally grown, grass-fed chickens and all…”

“i thought we were talking about cabbages?”

“for now! that’s what they always say!”

sangyeon stops, mirth in his eyes as he really looks at you. he’s earnest, really, even as he tries not to laugh in your face, when he says, “no old woman is going to sway me, i promise.”

you hesitate. “not even miss yoon and her cabbage daughter?”

he slides your hand down to his again, sincere. “‘in sickness and in health, till death do us part,’ remember?”

“wow,” you joke lightly, trying to hide the way your voice wobbles like a leaf in the wind. he really has way too much power over you. “renewing our vows already?”

sangyeon squeezes your hand again, leaning in to kiss you on the forehead gently. “i’ll renew them as many times as you’d like, if that’s what it takes for you to never forget.”

and in the midst of this, the last night of your honeymoon, the brand new beginning of your new life together, you realize that maybe you won’t need to look up at the stars for a comforting constant anymore—not when you’ll have sangyeon by your side for the rest of your life too.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi,

(I hope that I didn't send in this ask in the past, I am a little dissociative rn).

TW for self harm mention, panic attacks, dissociation

My therapist wants to work on "my connection to my body". I am pretty cut off from my emotions, body signals etc. For example, in the past I had panic attacks "out of nothing and for no reason" and sometimes in hindsight I could say "Well, that could've been expected". So she gave me some papers on which I hourly should note my "stress level" as a kind of first step. I think I saw these papers in the past on friends who had BPD and were supposed to write down their stress and urge to self-harm, but in my case it is rather a chart that ends in "panic attack" or "dissociation", I don't self harm.

And I have to be perfectly honest, I have barely felt that overwhelmed by anything in the past weeks. Even if I think about it, my mind races. I hope it is fine if I write my thoughts down and maybe you could give me some ideas and comments about them? My therapist is on vacation the next 4 weeks and I really regret having agreed on that...

For some reason I need super much clareficiation on this thing and so many details to understand it, I honestly don't know what my problem is.

My therapist said "You should strive for something between 30%-50% stress level, that's the growth area" but tbh 1. I never feel like I am growing, 2. All the time 30%? Or X hours a day? 3. If I use my one dopamine to panic clean my kitchen in 5 hours, that might be 50% stress level but certainly no growth. 4. I never feel like 30-50%? In my mind I use as an example "I lay in bed and read a good non-fiction book, which sadly isn't written for a non-academic, so I have to google a lot of stuff" (which is very specific and I haven't yet finished that book). I hope this is even a good example. But this doesn't really feel like "medium stress". It feels like "No stress, while reading the paragraphs I understand" and "Much stress when googeling stuff". Like a wave. 5. Who says you always need to be in a medium-stress area? Forever? Or during your young and growing years? Is my dream of a farm far away from human civilication so wrong, from a therapists viewpoint?

So far (and I have overthought this nearly every second the last week) I have made this list (please tell me if you think it is right):

10% - Almost falling asleep (that's what my therapist said); 20% - reading a fiction book or maybe crocheting while watching a movie; 30%-50% - ???? ; 60% - (the first number above the "growth zone") curling up in bed crying, 70%- panic attack/ or mild dissociation; 80% - aggressive "????" (aka overwhelmed and everything at once); 90% - bad dissociation, 100% severe dissociation, non-verbal, potentially with amnesia.

Is that ok? Idk I think it is maybe to much to already start with "crying" just after the "good growth zone" but, as an example: I visited my therapist, which means I had to take the train, it takes a long time and I come hope so exhausted that I fall asleep immediately. I can rationally maybe say, that's growth. But it only takes one delayed train, or tripping over my own feet, one too loud and rowdy passenger on the train, or something else so small, and I won't fall asleep immediately but break out in tears immediately.

Which brings me back to "I don't feel growth". In my past I was pushing my limit everyday (my limits in this case being, leave the house and go to university). And it never gotten any easier in 3 years. So idk how growth feels, when to feel growth, am I unable or did I do something wrong etc.?

I thought this chart was too small and limiting, so I made a notebook in which I (tried) to write down what I feel emotionally and in my body, at least three times a day (and try to stick to the percentage thing). Ngl many entries are "too overwhelmed already to open up the bottle of "what do I feel rn"". But I also felt much worse the days I used this notebook. Which can be coincidence, or maybe I lived in peaceful bliss until now, and maybe that's something I am not ready to open up yet? I don't know what the right way is tbh, and I am very afraid of sabotaging the therapy.

Any help, ideas, suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Hi anon,

I can understand how that kind of format can feel much too rigid to categorize your experiences. I've never heard of stress levels being tracked in that way, or that a moderate amount of stress is the only way to grow, although it may be somewhat related to the concept of eustress. But it's absolutely possible to be productive without any stress whatsoever, and the spectrum of stress provided sounds more like a spectrum of mood from positive to negative.

If you feel that this way of looking at your ability to grow is unhelpful, I encourage you to tell your therapist. They should be more than happy to tailor their approach to something that makes more sense to you. It might even be better to try and document what you did immediately before a panic attack to see if there's a pattern and potentially identify a trigger, although some triggers take hours or days before a reaction, especially if you experience dissociation.

If anyone has any other comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[spectacle-street]

I don't like to soliliquize about how my life is going anymore because I usually talk about how much it's improved and then everything immediately goes downhill after that, but I'm gonna take a chance and give a good ramble about how my life is going. Without jinxing it. I hope.

In the last few months, I've been working on not holding myself to such high standards anymore. I was always really stressed by it. It got into everything I did, even when I was just relaxing. I couldn't do a face mask occasionally as a treat, I had to do one regularly and with discipline. I couldn't read a book when I felt like it, I had to adhere to a strict schedule of reading every day at a specific time and if I didn't I was a terrible person and a failure. It was, as you no doubt can imagine, really exhausting. I was trying to make my life as perfect as those tik tok "my 5-9 before/after my 9-5" videos and I was miserable the whole time.

I ran into the same issue with my religious practices. I couldn't just worship in whatever way felt right to me, I had to do it a specific way and if I did it wrong I was convinced I was a terrible person. I felt immense guilt for not sticking to a daily schedule of prayer and going out on full moons to do this and that and making sure my house was always cleaned on new moons and yadda yadda yadda. It was a major "girl failure" mood.

So, having a strict, disciplined schedule is not my cup of tea. I really needed a looser routine and I needed to place less pressure on myself.

The only part of my day I can't loosen up is work. I have to leave by 7 and I get home by 5 (the car ride to and from work is 45 minutes to an hour, it's a real bitch to do but I needs money). I still want to get up earlier and get more done before work, and I still want to be productive after work, but I figured I might as well do it in a way that doesn't make me stressed as fuck.

What else is new? Having a crush these days is NOT it. It's fun for a week when I get to fantasize about that person and float on cloud 9 but then I spend all of my time worrying about whether or not they like me and anxious about our every interaction. That and I put a lot of time into trying to hang out with him and talk to him and he wasn't really interested. I had to balance being respectful about that in my head and also feeling righteously upset for myself because *sob* I'm such a catch and he doesn't even care. Ah weell, life goes on. It is what it is.

I've been pretty good about this kind of stuff lately. I know the worst of my obsessive crushes were due to a cocktail of mental health issues, so I try not to look back on myself too harshly. I also know that in the end, I can only put my best foot forward and try not to dwell on the past too much. When I let it invade the present, I couldn't find any rest and besides which, nobody was ever asking me to carry it around like that. I think that attitude has helped me cope better with some of the more personalized aspects of my illness. My voices always reflect where my mind is currently at, so when I lingered on past issues they lingered there too (and offered extremely unhelpful commentary).

I did get a flash of paranoia the other night. It was vivid and scary. I think I drank too much caffeine? Nothing like being extremely fearful at 9 PM while trying to buy heavy cream at the grocery store. I talked myself through it though and by the time I got home, the feeling was naught more than a fading memory.

When you're doing relatively well, it can be disorienting and scary to suddenly be plunged into this dark and scary alternate reality you once existed in though. Everything is overwhelming when you're like that! I felt like I'd just stepped through a rip in space time. I don't know how else to convey how topsy turvey everything gets when you're symptomatic. I used to be paranoid all the time and I really wouldn't ever choose to go back to that.

I'm being treated for lyme disease right now, so that's fun! I was mysteriously sick for about 3-4 weeks and I finally, FINALLY saw a doctor. As soon as I got in they saw the bullseye rash on my stomach and were like "get this bitch on some antibiotics." I wasn't able to keep any food down from about the time I woke up until 6 or 7 in the afternoon before and today AND yesterday I got to eat whenever I wanted like a normal, healthy human being. It was wonderful! Hopefully the good vibes continue into this week.