#do you know me I listened to bigger than the whole sky the day after the hcb got eliminated

[puckingdisaster]

Feel free to ignore if you don’t want to deal with grief by writing about it, but otherwise how about the KAC guys and „cuddle“ for the prompt meme?

He burned. His insides were on fire, unbearable pain paralyzing him as he watched Raffl lift the trophy and couldn't look away. In a few minutes, they'd have to go through the motion of receiving their silver medals and do the handshake line. Then, in the lockerroom, he would tell his team that he was still proud of them, still proud of what they achieved this season, even if it didn't end the way they wanted it to. But for now, he continued to the joyful celebrations on the other side of the ice. He felt someone touching his shoulder, before he was slowly spun around to reveal a defeated looking Sebastian. For a moment, Thomas couldn't find the words on how sorry he was, that they left him alone and expected him to do the impossible for them. Without saying anything, the small goalie just pulled him in by the hips, face in the crook of his shoulder. Thomas had to resist the pull of losing himself in that hug, tears threatening to spill over as Sebastian softly stroked his back.

[enchantedtomeetyou1113]

dancing with your ghost

levi x reader

hi! okay so this isn’t my first work but it’s my first in over 5 years. i guess aot brought out my old ways (pray for me 🙏🏻) this is just something stuck in my head inspired by the song ‘dancing with your ghost’ by Sasha alex sloan im sorry if this sucks 😔

SFW !!! 🤍🤍🤍

WARNINGS: angsty but happy ending! mentions of death. female reader!

———————————————————————

“Do you promise you’ll come back?”

“I already said yes 5 times.”

“Yeah but-“

“Y/n,calm down.”

I heard his sigh before I felt his hand on my shoulder. A small gesture that felt a lot bigger in the moment. “I promise I’ll try my hardest to come back.” His grey eyes locked on my own wide eyed stare.

“Fine,” I sigh deeply. Bringing my little finger up I feel a small smile creep onto my lips. “Solemnly swear it?” The look on Levi’s face turned into a stoic one. “I’m not pinky promising, what are you 5?”

“This is a deliciously Levi.” I grin twirling my pinky. He rolls his eyes before bringing up his own little finger to wrap around mine.

“I take this very seriously. Don’t you dare do something stupid and wind up dead out there.” My gaze turned serious one last time. The thought of him not coming back sent a shiver down my spine.

“Yeah yeah I heard you the last time.” He looks towards the rest of the scouts and the commander getting on their horses. I follow his gaze feeling uneasy. “I mean it Levi.” “I know.” “Then you better listen.” He flicks my forehead.

“Are you giving me orders?” I heard the amusement in his voice. I roll my eyes “better get going captain, they wouldn’t want their strongest soldier to be late.” I watch him nod before taking a few steps backwards. He holds up his pinky reminding me of our promise and before I know it I’m watching him ride off with the rest of the scouts.

So what? He’s only gonna be gone 2 weeks. It’s an easy mission right?

Right?

-

A month passed. One whole month. The scouts never arrived back. Some say the mission is just taking longer than they expected. Others say the mission probably failed and all scouts are dead somewhere.

Me? I spent the first 3 in a panic state. Everyone knew better then to mention the words ‘failed’ ‘missing ’ or ‘dead’ to me. I wouldn’t listen when they did anyways. I merely brushed it off and other times I yelled and told them off saying something along the lines of ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about!” And “You don’t know Levi,”

I spent the next 3 days staying up all night telling myself he’s alright.

On week two I was sleep deprived with bags under my eyes darker then the night sky I stay staring at until my body shuts down. I wake up after hours that feel like mere seconds. I can barely sleep with the thoughts racing in my mind. It feels like an eternity of worrying and fear. My friends all tried reassuring me and they checked on me enough times for me to get annoyed. Telling me stupid things like I should sleep more.

“Don’t worry okay? We know Levi he’s humanity’s strongest for a reason, and if I know that man he’d let the whole world be a snack for a titan before he gave up on coming back to you.” Hanges words helped. They did really, until I was alone. At night. In my bed staring at the ceiling. I wanted to scream at the world. ‘Heaven only knows where you are now’ I think to myself. Every passing minute the pit in my stomach grew and the pain grew sharper.

I stare at the walls. A new habit I picked up on day 3. I think to myself how my room is dirty and Levi wouldn’t approve or appreciate the lack of cleaning I’ve been doing. He’d probably flick my forehead and call me a ‘messy brat’ before sterilizing it for me and calling me hopeless under his breath.

“You pinky promised you jerk.” I say to the ceiling.

-

2 weeks easily turned into 2 months.

Easily is a weird way to put it considering it was the hardest 2 months of my damn life. I began having dreams. Detailed dreams that felt more real than any current reality. More real than any memory or waking moment. Dreams of him coming back. Embracing me telling me the mission took a turn and it lasted longer then it was supposed to. I wake up to those dreams with the biggest smile on my face every damn time.

Of course the smile turns into to tears and eye bags.

If I thought people were telling me to move on before then boy was i wrong. How do I let it go? Move on and forget him? How do I love again? How am I supposed to trust again?

I think about what I’d say to him if he appeared infront of me more then I’d like to admit. A lot of name calling. I’m planning on slapping him across his beautiful face. His face that I miss more than anything, his face I wish I could hold in my palm and smother in kisses.

But I guess that moment hasn’t come yet and I’m not sure anymore if it will.

People talk…they tell me I should focus on myself and other stupid things like he’s gone.

It was another slow week and I’ve gone too many sleepless nights staring at the same ceiling I can’t seem to look away from.

I heard a creek in the floor. The floorboard I always avoid because the sound is annoying and wakes Levi up at night. I look towards the sound and before I can open my mouth,

“Tch, did you forget how to clean while I was gone?”

My heart missed a beat. And then another.

“Levi?”

“You know anyone else who’d be this revolted by this mess?”

I stood up so quickly I felt dizzy.

“Where-where were you?! What took you so long-you jerk! I’ve been waiting! Everyone told me to move on and that you were dead! I knew it I knew you were-“

“It’s okay,” he stops me with his cold hand on my cheek. Despite the coldness of his finger tips it was the warmest touch I’ve ever felt.

“I’m okay. You’re okay. That’s all that matters I’ll tell you later.”

I nod reluctantly

-

we spent what felt like hours dancing. He spun me around enough times for me to feel dizzy. I couldn’t stop the endless giggles that caused me physical pain in my ribs and the smile that hurt my cheeks. We listened to the same songs on repeat on my record player.

I closed my eyes feeling the music and just letting myself be happy for the first time in ages as he spun me.

I open my eyes and blink a countless amount of times hoping the sight would change. Not this damn ceiling again.

Of course It was a dream, it always was. Dancing with your ghost..

-

I lost track of the time honestly I have. 4 months? 5? You’re a damn liar Levi Ackerman that’s all you are.

Even if you’re really gone I don’t care. I’m still your girl and everyone knows it-hange tried setting me up with someone a few times. I bet you could imagine how that went. ‘I’m taken.’

Stupid boys come up to me in teashops and in the streets with stupid one liners and stupid compliments and I tell them all the same thing. “My boyfriend’s waiting for me.”

It’s more like I’m waiting for my boyfriend..

And my friends talk, they always do.

‘Come on y/n you gotta move on!’

But it hurts to try.

It’s all stupid.

-

8 months pass. That ceiling is my new best friend and I appreciate it more than the real people in my life. The ceiling can’t tell me he’s gone. The ceiling can’t set me up on stupid dates and try and force me to sleep.

My heads always in the clouds and my dreams have gotten worse and end up with a bloody Levi and floods from my eyes.

I speak to myself pretending you can hear. Honestly I’ve started to believe you can. Sometimes I tell you about my shitty day or how I miss you, other times I scream about how you left me and how I hate you, but those times I end up begging for you to just come back already.

I don’t talk to my friends anymore, something about I only care about you and it’s exhausting dealing with me. Who cares I don’t need them,I only need you. Where are you?

-

“The scouts! They’re back!”

That bell. I know that bell.

“No way I thought they were all dead!”

“Is that captain Levi?!”

Whatever was in my hand now long gone in my path I barely felt the wind pushing me backwards as I ran towards the yelling.

And I seen him. The real him after all this time after all those dreams after the stupid remarks from my stupid friends after all the prayers and all the tears.

“Levi!” My voice sounded a lot more shaky than it did in my head.

I seen him on his horse. It don’t matter if he was a little farther back I seen it.

He wiggled his pinky.

———————————————————————-

A/n Pls don’t ask me where the scouts went for 8 months i literally don’t know just pretend and pretend i know how to write while your at it 🥰

Thank you for reading <3

[infpravenclaw5w4idkwhatelse]

Apparently its just in my brain rn but I wanted to make this list for me or for anyone out there who gets into editing before I do (pleas please please idk how to edit and unless I hyper fixate hard enough, I probably won’t take the time to learn lmao) but anyway this is a list of the Robins and songs (by Taylor Swift so there’s a theme and the list has a finite end) that I desperately need an edit of them with.

Stephanie brown- the man (literally can’t hear the song without thinking of her), mad woman (I can see this with interspersed scenes of her father, fighting villains specifically black mask, and Bruce)

Jason Todd- my tears ricochet (absolutely devastating w/ under the red hood, specifically comic version iykyk the difference between that and the movie), haunted (I need this with Bruce and dick and Tim’s reaction to his death), bigger than the whole sky (similar to haunted but more resigned? And still more about characters responding to his death but still His Death), who’s afraid of little old me (red hood transitional period. You see the vision? I know you do.) look what you made me do (obviously. I keep imagining him listening to this song while being the red hood and it’s great), the Great War (just. The imagery. There’s so much potential here. “maybe it’s the past that’s talking, screaming from the crypt, telling me to punish you for things you never did” with a cut to Batman and Joker would go so hard)

Dick Grayson (there’s really no order to this list is there? Lol anyway.)- never grow up (focused on his relationships with his siblings and then after the bridge with the “wish I’d never grown up” with flashbacks to him as Robin oh my god I’d cry), 22 (idk it feels very early Nightwing to me. I need a happy one for him bc he deserves it. Just an edit of him winning and being iconic), New Romantics (in that same vein, with the titans because it’d be fun), the story of us and I forgot that you existed (him and B fighting because I feel people ignore that they do fight quite often and IFTYE especially feels the right amount of petty and sincere for him, you know?), last but not least (can you tell I love him) Style (this and any love interest he repeatedly dates, I was thinking specifically Barbara but I could also see kory, I just think this song is fun for any relationship that gets rebooted in multiple formats)

Tim Drake- enchanted (as itty bitty Tim Drake or Robin, meeting them at galas and Knowing or just working with the bats in the beginning when he was star struck), mirrorball (“I can change everything about me to fit in” …yeah. This is more a fanon interpretation but I read a really interesting fic where Jason comes back and meets Tim and all he can see is his and dick’s Robin mannerisms in him, and can’t find anything that’s just Tim’s until he’s too tired to pretend anymore and it’s stuck with me) you’re losing me (this would be a sad one of people generally looking over or hating him, specifically Bruce calling him Jason, finding out dick made Damian Robin, Damian and Jason verbally attacking him, the events that led to Red Robin) Tis the damn season (for when Red Robin arc is over and he’s still angry but doesn’t know what else to do)

Damian Wayne: a place in this world (it’s not his aesthetic, but the themes of the song are very raised-in-the-league-trying-to-be-a-functioning-family-member), the best day (with him and Dick generally him getting to be a kid, I’m not crying you are), mean (I think the “swords and weapons that you use against me”would be funny with him drawing assorted weapons on people), Innocent (“your string of lights is still bright to me oh, who you are is not where you’ve been” oh my god. I just feel like he needs someone to mean this about him) exile (Talia leaving him, even if she meant to do it for his own good, having to recon with not being in the league anymore), this is me trying (I don’t have words for this one, it’s a vibe)

Bonus:

Anti-hero: you can give all of them different verses that fit best, but I think they’d all sing the song and feel like it was them and I’d love to see an edit of them to it.

Epiphany: Alfred. You don’t even have to listen to it, just look at the lyrics and you’ll Get It.

robin: this I see for both Jason and Dick, so probably split between them.

Mastermind: first off, shameless TimSteph shipper, not even necessarily romantically, it’s just that they’re soulmates and I don’t care what canon says; I know that because they told me personally. Anyway the song is from both of their perspectives. They both think they’re the mastermind

State of Grace: also TimSteph. Fight me.

[scarletwinterxx]

bigger than the whole sky - haechan imagine

helloooo, i think a few months ago i wrote a haechan dad scenario. but after watching The Lost Boys, it made more emotional🥺 our hyuck would surely be the best dad in the future💛

here's a sequel to that scenario😊

pt. 1 - Lee and Lily

if you have a request or scenario you want me to do, just send me a message I'll see what I can do😊💌

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

and if you want, u can buy me coffee(totally optional but any donation is very much appreciated!) thank you🥺💛

All works are copyrighted ©scarletwinterxx 2023 . Do not repost, re-write without the permission of author.

(gif not mine, credits to rightful owner)

There are many things you admire about your husband, from his cheekiness to his voice to his assuring words. But one thing you love the most about him now, something you only found out after your daughter was born, is how great of a father he is.

Haechan is very busy with work but he is a family man above all. You and Nari comes first. Which is why he decided to take the duty of driving and picking Nari up from school.

"You sure you want to do it?" you ask him the first day he did it

"Yea, gives us more daddy-daughter time. Take the morning for yourself" he tells you, kissing you on the forehead

"You know she loves you right? I know you, the wheel are turning in there" you tell him, weaving your fingers around his neck and playing with the ends of his hair

The moment Haechan found out you were pregnant, he vowed to always be there for your child. He always dreamt of being a father, a father who will always be there for their kid. And he has, but there are still times he feels like he missed too much because he's too busy with his career.

"Times flies by so fast, she used to fit right in my arm. Now she's running around, and she talks more than me. Would you believe that"

You chuckle at his words. She does have the talent to talk your ear off, she's now at that age where everything ends with a "why?" question.

"Daddy, why is the sky blue?" "Mommy, why do the fishy float?" "Daddy, why is this sweet and that one yucky?" referring to salt and sugar

Just some of the daily questions of Lee Nari.

But really that girl can ask you why water is wet every breakfast and you still wouldn't have it any other way.

And so the tradition started. Haechan is now on school duty while you stay at home.

"She does this cute thing when I drop her off, she goes bye bye daddy I love you" he tells you one day.

"How many times have you cried in the car after she said that?" you tease him

"Like 2 maybe 3, the first time was the worst. After she said it, she just walked away and left me"

"Stop being dramatic, she was just going to pre-school" you laugh

"The other day she asked me why was the sun chasing us when we were driving to school"

"What did you say?"

"Can't remember, something along the lines of 'the sun likes nice people'. I'm running out of answers" he tells you dramatically, making you chuckle once again.

It's been months since that routine started. the two Lee's enjoying the quick drive from and to school. Haechan would play his favorite songs while Nari sings along, his heart swelling with pride as he listens to his daughters singing.

One particular morning, it unexpectedly got hectic. You left earlier than the two due to do some errand and get a quick checkup. While on their way to school, Haechan got an urgent call from work.

"I just got here at Nari's school, why?" he waited until he was infront of the school and the car on stop before answering the call. He spots the teacher who welcomes the student every morning and fetch them outside, waving over to them and opening the backseat door.

Haechan was still busy on the phone while Nari waits, her teacher ushers her inside as Haechan smiles and wave as his daughter walks away.

Just as he was about to pull up on the driveway to get his stuff ready for work, he received another call this time from you.

"Yes?" he answered

"Did you drive Nari today?"

Confused, he answered your question "Yes, I just dropped her off. Why did something happen at school?". He didn't even wait for your answer, already starting the engine once again to drive back to her school

"Her teacher just called me, she was bawling her eyes out apparently. Had a mini melt down when you didn't say goodbye to her"

Just then Haechan remembered their little tradition. Feeling his blood run cold, he didn't say i love you to Nari and now she's sad.

"Oh my Nari, I'm driving back there"

"No need, I'm like 5 minutes away from the school. I'll handle it. You have a meeting today too" you tell him

"But-" he tries to protest

"It'll be fine, we'll see you later okay"

How can he focus on work when all he can think about is how he made his little girl upset. When you got home from Nari's school, it wasn't a surprise to see your husband sitting on the living room couch. Nothing but silence inside the house.

"Hey, she's fine now" you say, catching his attention

"I really didn't mean to forget, I was on the phone. I waved goodbye to her, I guess it flew my mind" he tells you, you can tell he's just as upset as Nari was.

You shot him a small smile before walking towards him. Immediately he opens his arms, hugging you around the waist while you pat his head lovingly.

"If it makes you feel any better, I forgot her favorite blanket the other day and she said she felt upset with me" you hear him chuckle from below you

"But then she hugged me and said it was okay. Our little girl doesn't have a single bone of hate in her body so don't worry too much okay? You're her favorite person ever" you added

"What if all she'll ever remember is me forgetting to say I love you to her?" he asks, looking up at you.

Sighing, you pull away to sit beside him but Haechan pulls you over to make you sit on his lap. Like he just needed your comfort right now.

"What she'll remember is how good of a father you are, how you practically hung the stars in the sky. You've always been the best dad, don't go doubting it now" you tell him, cradling his face in your hands.

Your words are always enough to wash away any doubt he has. It's a magic you posses. With that, he feels a lot better.

"She'll be home in a few hours, why don't we go and pick her up? Meanwhile, go do some work" you tell him, giving him a quick kiss before standing up.

A few hours later, the two of you drove to pick up Nari. You go to the front office to get her while Haechan waits outside, holding a bouquet of flowers for his little girl.

You and Nari walk outside hand in hand. Haechan thought she was going to be mad at him but the moment Nari sees her dad, she made a dash towards him. Immediately Haechan kneels down to catch her in a tight hug. Picking her up and hugging her close to him.

"Hi baby, dad's so so so sorry about this morning. Sorry I forgot to say I love you" he mumbles, the little Lee just hugs him for a while. You got to where the two were standing, taking the flowers from Haechan so he could carry Nari more comfortably.

Nari pulls back to look at her dad, the two of you waiting for what she has to say

"I got sad because I didn't get to say I love you to dad" she pouts

"You got sad because you didn't say I love you to me?" Haechan asks back, Nari nodding at her father's question

"Oh lovebug, you don't have to be sad about dad. I know you love me very very much" he tells her

"But I always say it to you"

You smile at your husband and your little girl. Loving hearing their argument of who loves more.

"Even when you don't tell daddy, I already know. But okay, I promise to not leave you until you say it to me. How does that sound?"

"Okay, I love you daddy" she says then hugs Haechan again.

"I love you, more than anything in this world, my Nari" he looks over at you, mouthing the same words to you.

You sent him a smile. Guiding the two over to the car,

"Okay now that's done, what do you want for dinner?" you ask the two

"Kimchi fried rice!" you hear the tiny voice say from the backseat.

"You heard the girl" you chuckle

"I'll cook you the best kimchi fried rice, it will be the best ever" Haechan says, starting the car and driving away. The conversation continues, with Nari's endless stories and wonders while the two of you answer.

He looks over at you, taking your hand and giving it a quick kiss. Just then you hear Nari's voice again,

"Mom, is the moon sleeping during the day?"

[hongluboobs]

what's the debt of tears and what's this about cutting bao-yu open ?? also how does this relate to hong lu? i don't have the context to ask anything more specific but i need to know this.. . please

(ask in reference to this post )

Hi Anon! Apologies this took a bit, i got distracted with some projects and didn't have the energy to answer this right away, hopefully you're still here to see this :)

First off, Bao-yu is Hong Lu's book equivalent. I don't know if you already knew this, but I made the diagram with the assumption people knew this and it kind of blew up way bigger than intended on both here and twitter 😅

The debt of tears is a really big concept in Red Chamber surrounding the fates of Bao-yu and Dai-yu. Bao-yu was originally a piece of jade that the goddess was using to create the sky, but he ended up unused and cast onto the earth. From there, he ended up finding the Crimson Pearl Flower, which he watered every day. Eventually, the flower ended up transforming into a fairy (Dai-yu) due to the care with which he watered her. Dai-yu thinks on how she could repay him for this and settles on “The only way in which I could perhaps repay him would be with the tears shed during the whole of a mortal lifetime if he and I were ever to be reborn as humans in the world below.”

And wouldn't you believe it! They do end up reincarnated as humans in the world below. Bao-yu and Dai-yu are very close throughout their mortal lives, but the debt of tears comes back into the picture during Bao-yu's wedding. He believes he is getting married to Dai-yu as his family told him (because he wouldn't agree to marriage otherwise), but it isn't until the wedding starts he discovers this isn't the case and the family chose for him to marry someone else with a higher social standing. Dai-yu thinks Bao-yu was willingly deceiving her with this and is so distraught about it that she cries until she dies (she is very sickly pretty much constantly and this book is written like a soap opera) which fulfills the Debt of Tears.

As you can imagine, this really messes up Bao-yu. His mental state degrades throughout the book, but that's the nail in the coffin for it all. The debt of tears and the wedding is the emotional climax of the book, and I cannot imagine limbus's adaptation of the story not doing something with it.

The thing about cutting Bao-yu open happens in a dream, and is also related to the debt of tears/ Bao-yu and Dai-yu's relationship actually!

It happens in a dream Dai-yu has in chapter 82 where she's chosen as a second wife for a man and has to leave the Jias. She does Not Want this at all and is unable to do anything in order to stop it. Eventually, she finds Bao-yu and this scene plays out (this next section is words taken directly from the book. because im really normal about it. theres a tldr at the bottom if you aren't reading all that) :

Suddenly she thought: ‘Why haven’t I seen Bao-yu today? He might still know of a way out.��� And as the thought entered her mind, she looked up and sure enough, there, standing right in front of her, all laughter and smiles, was Bao-yu himself. ‘My warmest congratulations, coz!’ This was too much for Dai-yu. Her last vestige of maidenly reserve vanished. She clutched hold of him and cried out: ‘Now I know how heartless and cruel you really are, Bao-yu!’ ‘No, you are wrong,’ he replied. ‘But if you have a husband to go to, then we must go our separate ways.’ Dai-yu listened in despair as this, her very last hope, was taken from her. Clinging to him helplessly, she gave a feverish cry: ‘Oh Bao! I’ve no separate way to go! How could you say such a thing!’ ‘If you don’t want to go, then stay here,’ he replied calmly. ‘You were originally engaged to me. That’s why you came to live here. Has it never occurred to you how specially I’ve always treated you? Haven’t you noticed?’ Suddenly it all seemed clear. She really was engaged to Bao-yu after all. Of course she was! In an instant her despair changed to joy. ‘My mind is made up once and for ever! But you must give me the word. Am I to go? Or am I to stay?’ ‘I’ve told you, stay here with me. If you still don’t trust me, look at my heart.’ With these words he took out a small knife and brought it down across his chest. Blood came spurting out. Terrified out of her wits, Dai-yu tried to staunch the flow with her hand, crying out: ‘How could you? You should have killed me first!’ ‘Don’t worry,’ said Bao-yu. ‘I’m going to show you my heart.’ He fumbled about inside the gaping flesh, while Dai-yu, shaking convulsively, afraid someone might burst in on them at any moment, pressed him to her tightly and wept bitterly. ‘Oh no!’ said Bao-yu. ‘It’s not there any more! My time has come!’ His eyes flickered and he fell with a dull thud to the floor.

tl;dr Bao-yu reassures Dai-yu that there's a way out of her new engagement because she was originally brought to the jia house to be engaged to Bao-yu. Dai-yu is unsure of this and Bao-yu decides to show her his heart to convince her he's telling the truth. he does this by physically cutting his chest open to pull out his heart, but he lacks a heart within his chest to find.

Red Chamber isn't free of violence by any means, but this scene always fucking Got me. its so shocking out of nowhere and its such a potent image, i've drawn something akin to it before because it Got Me so much.

I brought it up in the diagram because his lack of heart reminded me of how the gloom peccatuli contain organs within them, but do not appear to be living organisms, or play part in biological activities. We know Hong Lu has his jade eye, which is probably either prosthetic or a Secret Third (non-normal human eye) Thing, so what's to say he doesn't have other inhuman oddities to him.

It also connects "truth" to physical exposure, in this case exposure not stopping at the skin and going deeper to the organ level. The intertwining of truth and fiction is a HUGE thing in red chamber and this would be really cool if the hypothetical Hong Lu distortion had elements from the gloom peccatulum for this as well (false organs exposed through transparent skin would be both true and false. Really cool)

There's also the concept of "seeing with the eyes" versus "seeing with the heart" which would go crazy when combining all of this. I don't think i can go into that there but tldr is this quote from the little prince

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

And with Hong Lu's eye connection... do you see what im putting down

[irishcoyote]

Inflamed Sense of Rejection: Chapter One

~~~~~~~~~~~ Author's Note: This is that Angel Face backstory I was talking about. His name is Caleb Handover because I'm not going to call him Angel Face the whole time. There will be no "spice" because I type this on a school computer and honestly I want to expand my writing abilities. ~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a horrible way to start a journal, probably the most over-done and unintriguing sentence used to start a story, but my name is Caleb Handover. I’m 16 years old, and I live in Wilmington, Delaware. I go to Mt. Pleasant High School, class of 2001. That makes me a Junior.

It’s boring. Every single day is the same. The ducks pass over the sky when I’m walking to school, and it looked cool when I was nine, but nowadays it just feels like I’m watching someone drive to work. 

Delaware duck schedule: 6 AM, wake up to the same alarm as everyone in the neighborhood. 7 AM, fly to the pond for breakfast and a bath. Pass by that blond kid again. 

My hair was born white. People on the street asked my mom while she was pushing the stroller, why do you bleach your baby’s hair? 

She never did. 

 First period is Advanced Placement Calculus. I’m thinking about ducks. Derivatives, ducks, hyperbolas, ducks, factorials, ducks, integrals…

My mom called my hair duck-fuzz.  

I like math, but I only say that because high schoolers have to like something. If you say you don’t like any subjects in school, you sound like a wannabe-dropout loser. I’m 16 years old and taking AP Calculus. I don’t think I’m a wannabe anything, but I don’t think I’m genuine, either. I’ve already done the warmup question on the board. Find 34! It’s just a factorial. Does anyone see me?

“Caleb Handover?”

Only during attendance. 

I raise my hand until my elbow is about six inches off of my table, parallel to the smooth, fake-wood surface. Not high enough to seem like a geek, but still giving effort.  

Invisibility is a science.

“Here.” 

There’s a pause. My hand stays in the air.

“Caleb Handover?” my teacher tilts his chin up and surveys the room, his pencil hovering over my name, ready to write truant. 

“I said I’m here,” I said louder as I raised my hand higher. My pen balances between my peace-sign fingers. My teacher flicks his eyes to me, and his eyebrows soften. He adjusts his glasses. The sad taste of desperation lingered in my mouth after essentially begging to be accounted for.

“Oh, hello Caleb. Sorry I didn’t see you.” My teacher laughs dryly and clears his throat. “Serena Hofstadter?” 

She has mono. 

“Gordon Jacobs?” 

That’s how Serena got mono.

For a moment I picture Serena and Gordon as Romeo and Juliet during the final act. Gordon drinks from a tall, crystal vial of mononucleosis extract and collapses. Serena, covered head-to-toe in orange spray tan and blonde highlights underneath her Shakespearean garb, discovers him on the floor and gives a tearful soliloquy before kissing him feverishly in an attempt to drink the mono from his lips. In the end, they’re both bedridden, and everyone knows. 

In fair Delaware we lay our scene.

I don’t know why, but I’m angry at them. Serena and Gordon. My knuckles turn white as I grip my pen harder, gritting my teeth and thinking about my peers who go to parties to drink and kiss and do drugs. I didn’t even think parties were a real thing until I started listening to rich kids’ conversations. 

“I got home so late last night…” quote from the boy wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

“I’m, like, so hungover.” quote from the girl wearing sunglasses indoors at 8:30 AM.

“Her house was so tacky.” quote from the girl whose locker is head-to-toe in sequins and leopard print, who uses perfume to cover the smell of anxiety pheromones. 

I’m not jealous, and I’d rather have lifelong diarrhea than be in the same boat as these kids, but it would be nice to have a life. 

It would be nice to be a part of something bigger than myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Author's Note: Please let me know what you think, and if I should keep writing this. It would be appreciated :)

[wwilloww]

dear willow!

life can be so delightfully scheming sometimes. i had my heart broken for the first time recently. so abysmally sad and lonely and shattered, i logged on to tumblr after a long, long time- lo and behold, you answered that ask i had sent you god knows when!

your kind words reminded me of the tiny bits of happiness i used to derive from things, like petrichor and smatterings of grey clouds and the rumble of thunder. i feel like ive grown so much now, but that ask made me realise something- i shouldn't ever forget to stop and look up at the sky and just admire. and that thought- it made me feel lighter, so thank you :)

yours,

rain anon <3

dearest darlingest rain anon,

i admit that when i replied to your last ask, i did worry if it would reach you, since it had been so long since you sent it. you've become a bit of a staple in my tumblr experience. i don't know what tumblr would be without your name popping up! i am so thrilled to see you here again.

and i am so, so sorry to hear about your heartbreak. there is truly nothing like it. and there is nothing that can prepare you for it, either. whether it comes in quick or creeps up like a slow realization, it is one of the more painful things we can experience, and it can eat us whole. regardless of the context that caused it, that first heartbreak is such a momentous occasion. i hope you are giving yourself time and space and permission to feel all that grief. that you are letting the tears come, that you have friends who will listen, and that you're taking care of yourself through it all.

i had my first big heartbreak a little more than a year ago and i didn't know how i was going to get through it. though i intellectually knew i needed to leave that relationship, and that that ending was for the best, i still felt so lost and so lonely and so broken. i remember saying to my roommate that i wasn't sure if i could ever love someone again in that way, and even though i *knew* that wasn't logically true, my whole body was so in-griefed it felt true. the pain was either so sharp, or so numbing. there was no in-between for a while.

i remember a friend told me that i was breaking apart so i could reform. she told me that i had to become something new, as we always do after big life events, and that i could choose to reform and close the world out, or that i could become a creature that was bigger, with windows, to better let the living in. i remember, too, the first day i was on a walk and i looked up at the trees. they were golden and red and crisp with cold and i felt the sunlight hit me and finally, finally, sink into me--finally--after all those weeks. sometimes i still have to remind myself to look for the sky and the trees and the sun, but i've found the living again on the other side of it all. i know you will too. for now though, feel that pain as big as it comes.

as you feel those edges of grief--or the whole damn thing all at once--and then as you start to see the sky and the trees again, i hope you'll tell me about it.

with so much love,

willow.

[razzle-zazzle]

Whumptober Day 11: Seeing Double

Convenience Store + Loneliness

3525 Words; Pooter Pile

TW for death mention

AO3 ver

Six stared up at the sky, old asphalt rough and warm beneath his back.

He’d seen it, in Zero’s memories, but never with his own eyes. The facility had no windows; at least, none in the areas Six could get into. He’d seen the sky in movies and pictures and memories, and now he was seeing the real thing.

(Five never got to see the sky.)

Six’ eyes slipped closed and he groaned. There was a small town down at the bottom of the mountain that Three and Gisu and Dion had stopped at on their way to the facility—it was where the six of them had stopped to find some food and a payphone, once they’d all picked themselves back up after the explosion and made the rest of the way down the mountain. Three had stayed unconscious the whole way down, apparently exhausted after that disaster of a night. Four had carried him down.

The sun had fully risen, now, and Three was still down and out, curled up in the shadow of the gas station they had all stopped at. Zero and Four were pestering Dion, Six was lying down in one of the parking spots, and Gisu was on the payphone with change from Dion’s wallet. If Six listened, he could almost hear what she was saying.

Ugh, how did Zero talk him into this? By saying he’d get to see the ocean? Well, there were no oceans around—just mountain, mountain, another mountain, and a dinky little mountain town that was nonetheless bigger than any town Six had been to.

(Bigger than any town Five could ever see.)

Six sighed. The asphalt was starting to become unbearably hot. He sat up, rubbing grit off of his sleeves, and stood, rubbing more grit off his legs. It looked like Gisu was—yep, she had just hung up. Six wandered over to the payphones, where Gisu was holding her levboard in her hands, loose hair clinging to her face from sweat.

Gisu perked up at Six’ approach, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Hey, Six, right?”

“That’s me.” Six confirmed.

Gisu smiled, then frowned. “You okay?”

+=+=+=+=+

“Heyyyy, Hollis?” Gisu greeted, exhaustion somewhere in the back of her mind beneath the elation she was currently feeling.

“Where are you?!” Hollis was to the point and direct as always, it seemed. Gisu winced—she and Dion hadn’t really… told anyone what they were doing. They had kind of just left. But hey, let it never be said that Gisu thought everything through! Sometimes thinking things through took too much time, and a girl just had to go ahead and act!

Regardless, Hollis had asked a question. Gisu rattled off the mountain’s name, though she didn’t actually know the name of the town they were in. “But hey! Good news!” She plowed on, ignoring Hollis’ shocked “Mount Lincoln?” to gleefully announce “We found Pooter!” Which was really good news, actually, and would totally make up for Gisu grabbing Dion and just running off. Probably. After a moment’s thought, Gisu added, “And Pooter, and Pooter, and Pooter!”

“Agent Narima—” Hollis stopped, as Gisu’s words registered. “...what.”

“There’s four of them!” Gisu explained. “Or, well—this isn’t really easy to explain over the phone…” She gripped her levboard in her free hand, focusing on the texture before continuing. “There was a lab, but it kind of… exploded.” She mimed an explosion noise, “And Ms. Naumann got away.” So maybe not a total mission success—but hey! She and Dion had found Raz, and gotten him, Three, Four, and Six out of the lab! Which was definitely a win.

The other end was silent for a moment, and then, “Agent Nariman, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, I still have a lot of questions, too.” Gisu agreed. “But payphones have a time limit and me and Dion only have so many quarters, sooooo do you think you could send the Pelican to come pick us up?” Gisu swayed a bit on the balls of her feet, “We could probably make the journey ourselves, except Raz and Three are both kind of wiped and if you sent some agents they’d get to pick at the exploded lab for clues.” And for any intact tools or machinery, which Gisu kind of wanted to go poking around to look for but really shouldn’t—let it not be said that Gisu never thought anything through. She could think ahead some of the time!

Hollis sighed on the other end. “You said you were in a small town near Mount Lincoln?” She confirmed. Gisu nodded, realized Hollis couldn’t see that, and said “yep!”

“Which means you’re in Colorado.” Hollis pointed out, as though Gisu was somehow unaware of the fact that she and Dion had traveled across multiple states chasing after—well, it hadn’t actually been Raz, had it?—chasing after Three. “A mountain town near Mount Lincoln…” Hollis hmmed, presumably looking something up on her end. “You might be in Alma.” She mused.

“That sounds right.” Gisu confirmed. She and Dion had only stopped here briefly, in their chase, and she didn’t fully remember the town’s name from the map they’d looked at—Dion had insisted on navigating, though Gisu had helped map out the bus routes. And provided the cool and awesome levboard that they couldn’t have possibly caught up to Three without. Because she and her levboard were awesome like that.

“Right. It should only take the Pelican a few hours to reach you.” Hollis’ voice was firm, calm and collected as though her earlier surprise hadn’t existed at all. “Keep in mind, Agent Nariman, that there will be disciplinary action once you’re back at the Motherlobe. You can’t just run off without warning; as a Junior Agent staying in the dorms, your safety is our responsibility—” She continued, and Gisu was half-listening, nodding along to the lecture like it wasn’t almost exactly like every lecture she had heard before.

After a while, the phone beeped, letting Gisu know her paid-for time was almost out. “Sorry, Hollis,” She interrupted the lecture, “I’m about to run out of call time. Talk to you later bye!” She hung up, grabbing her levboard in both hands and sighing. She’d say that went pretty well!

She perked up as one of the Razzes walked over. They weren’t all the same, now that Gisu had gotten a better look—though Three was pretty obvious thanks to the Sasha Nein cosplay. But this was one of the lab ones…

“Hey,” Gisu greeted. “Six, right?” Raz’ hair was a little longer, she felt.

“That’s me.” Six said. Yes! Gisu was going to be so good at telling the Pooters apart!

She grinned, only to frown when she noticed just how tired Six looked. All the Razzes were pretty tired, and Three was still leaning against the wall fast asleep a foot away from her, but Six looked… not great.

“You okay?” Gisu asked.

+=+=+=+=+

“What do you think.” Six snapped. How could he be okay? How could he be okay when he’d just thrown away everything he had ever known? Three and Zero were the only ones who had ever been outside the facility. Four had Three to rely on, and Six had Zero’s memories—

But there was still so much that Six didn’t understand. So much he wouldn’t understand.

So much that he’d get to learn about that Five would never get to see—

Six wanted some water to throw around. He needed to lose himself to it, to become seafoam in his mind and become one with the waves. If he really concentrated, he could kind of feel what must have been gas tanks underground—not quite water, but just close enough that if he reached—

Gisu’s hands on Six’ shoulders brought him back to reality. “Hey, buddy…” She stared at him like he was a puzzle to decipher—

(Six had thought life was a simple puzzle he’d already solved. And then Five was gone and Six realized he’d been ignoring all the hard puzzles right in front of him—)

“You ever ridden a levboard?” Gis asked. “When not fleeing an explosion, that is… though that is one of the cooler ways to ride a levboard…” She shook her head. “Do you want me to show you how to do a kickflip? Levboarding always clears my head.” She explained. The olive branch was so painfully clear that Six almost wanted to—take it? Refuse it? He couldn’t tell—

“I’m fine.” Six mumbled. He’d probably break her board, anyway. “I don’t wanna break my face.”

“Okay then!” Gisu slung her arm across Six’ shoulders and brought him up onto the little sidewalk in front of the store, keeping her good cheer. She let go, and sat down on the concrete in the shade, not too far from Three. After a moment, Six sat down next to her.

“Raz said you wanted to see the ocean?” Gisu prompted. She acted like Six couldn’t feel the undercurrent of discomfort and tiredness leaching off of her, like she could plaster a smile on her face and do her best to entertain a kid with the same face as one she’d only known for a bit and it would all somehow work out—

(But it wouldn’t work out, because nothing worked out. Not like that.)

“It’s neat.” Six conceded. After a moment of trying to remain aloof— “did you know that the ocean has 321,003,271 cubic miles of water?”

Gisu whistled. “I did not! What’s your favorite sea creature?” She asked. “Mine are octopuses.”

Six thought long and hard about Gisu’s question. “There’s so many… I think horseshoe crabs.” He decided. “They’ve been around forever.” Coelacanths and sharks were also really really old, but Six liked horseshoe crabs more, he was pretty sure.

(Unlike Five, who was gone gone gone forever and ever—)

“Neat.” Gisu commented. “You got any other sick ocean facts to share?”

“The Marianas Trench is deeper than Mount Everest is tall.” Six shared, and Gisu nodded as if she was wholly enraptured, so Six opened his mouth to share another fact—

The door to the store opened, Four, Zero, and Dion walking out with the promised snacks and drinks. Four went to sit next to Three immediately—of course—while Zero was nose-deep in a comic Six had only seen in his memories. There was a bag of crackers and two juice boxes floating above his head—Six reached out his telekinesis and grabbed one of the juice boxes, turning it over in his hand. Apple flavor.

Dion and Gisu were talking to each other—Six was too busy reading the ingredients list to really pay attention. He’d heard of most of these, but the juice that Ms. Naumann provided never came with nutrition labels or ingredients lists—she always served it to them in plastic cups; Six was pretty sure she bought it in bulk.

Zero’s voice took Six’ attention off of the juice box. “YOU’RE DATING?”

+=+=+=+=+

Dion glanced at the snacks on the shelf before him, mentally tallying prices. Gisu was outside using the payphones to call Hollis, but it had still been a long night and half a day, so Dion went inside the station with Raz and… Four??? that was gonna take some getting used to—to look for something cheap and filling.

With what he had in his wallet… Dion could maybe manage a small drink for everyone, so there was that. It’d be nice if everyone also got their own snack, too, but Dion doubted his pocket money would stretch that far—he only had a ten, a five, and a couple ones to his name, not counting the quarters Gisu had borrowed for the payphone. Partly because his parents could only give so much allowance, and partly because he and Gisu had had to pick up snacks for themselves while chasing… well, it hadn’t actually been Raz, had it? At least, not the Raz Dion had always known, which was kind of unsettling when he thought about it. So he didn’t think about it.

(“Sooo…” Dion had leaned back, attempting to affect a more casual stance, “Why are there… four of you?”

“Ms. Naumann specializes in clones.” Four had explained, carrying a sleeping Three on his back. At Dion’s lost look, he had elaborated. “We’re uh. Copies. Like twins.”

“Oh.” Dion had said, only a little less lost than before. He had five little brothers instead of just two, now—yeah, this was so weird.

Gisu hadn’t looked lost—maybe she could explain it in a way Dion understood later, once they were all off the mountain.)

“Three and I can share.” Four suggested, having heard Dion’s muttering. He was already holding two juice boxes, balancing two more on his head. Helpful.

“Okay.” Dion nodded. If Four and Three shared, and if Dion shared with Gisu—assuming she was okay with that, which she might not be, so maybe Dion should get her her own thing to be nice—Dion turned to Raz, who was at the end of the aisle, towards the front of the store, picking through the magazines for—yep, there were those psychic comics he liked. “Hey, Pooter.”

Raz turned to him, comic in hand—shit, could Dion afford to add that to the list? “Yeah?”

“Do you think you can share with Six?” Dion grabbed the cheapest bag of teriyaki jerky—a bit expensive, but one of Gisu’s favorite snacks, so it would probably be worth it—while Four grabbed a bag of sour gummy worms—

“Grab something with less sugar.” Dion nagged, and Four put the bag of sour gummy worms back. If Four’s stomach was anything like Raz’ then the gummy worms would make him—and Three—sick anyway. Better if the kid grabbed something filling.

Dion turned back to Raz, who was still holding the comic book. “If I have to.” He said, which was as much an answer as anything.

Dion looked at his little brother—at the way his curls were slightly unkempt, when normally Raz liked to straighten them; at the bags smeared under his eyes; at the way he was holding himself, so small and unlike both the annoying little shit he’d been before running away and the cocky little shit Three had been—and something in his chest tightened. “I’ll buy you that comic if you do.” He promised, and Raz lightened up a bit at that.

Four had grabbed a bag of trail mix. That… was better than Dion was expecting, actually. He’d had figured the kid would stay glued to the candy aisle.

Dion snagged two small gatorades for himself and Gisu—she’d prefer a monster, but there was no way Dion was gonna be able to afford that and the jerky. And the gatorade would be better, anyway—plus it was her favorite flavor. He went to the counter, Four at his heels, and Raz joined them with his comic and a bag of off-brand goldfish.

(At least some things hadn’t changed about him. At least Dion still knew his brother in some small ways.)

The cashier rang up their order—four juice boxes, two gatorades, jerky, trail mix, fish crackers, a comic, and a single cheap granola bar for Dion in case Gisu didn’t want to share—and Dion watched as the total raised with every item scanned. He was pretty sure he’d added it all up right, and he’d left some wiggle room because he was pretty sure Colorado was one of the states with a sales tax. But he worried he’d gotten it wrong anyway, or that the ten in his wallet was somehow actually a one—

“That’ll be $17.97.” Oh, thank god, Dion could afford it. It was taking a bigger chunk out of his money than he’d like—but Gisu was outside talking to Hollis, and if the Psychonauts couldn’t come pick them up Dion might be able to stretch his remaining ones enough for bus fares, maybe.

The cashier took the money and printed out the receipt. “Do you want me to bag this for you?” They asked. Dion shook his head, passing the juices, the trail mix, the not-goldfish, and the comic to Four and Raz. “I’ve got it.” He scooped up the gatorades, jerky, and granola bar. “Thanks.”

The three of them walked out the door, drinks and snacks in hand. Three was still asleep against the wall, and it looked like Gisu had finished her call; she and Six were sitting in the shade next to Three. They both looked up as the door opened.

Four immediately sat down by Three, two juice boxes and the trail mix unopened in his lap. Raz had already opened up the comic, devouring it with his eyes, off-brand goldfish and juice box floating above his head. Six snagged the final juice box with his mind, and held it, turning it over in his hands as he read everything written on it.

“I got you jerky.” Dion said, passing the bag and gatorade over to Gisu as casually and coolly as he could manage. Gisu squealed, the gatorade floating beside her as she all but tore the jerky open.

“You’re the best.” She declared, already chewing on a piece. “Oh, fuck yeah.”

Dion chuckled. Score! That had totally been worth the price! He opened his gatorade and took a swig, sitting down next to Raz and in front of Gisu.

Raz was looking at the two of them over with suspicion, then—

“YOU’RE DATING?”

+=+=+=+=+

Six watched as Dion sputtered and Gisu managed an impressive combination of laughter and sputtering that he’d never heard before.

“We haven’t really put a name to—” Dion started—

Gisu leaned over and grabbed Dion by his vest, pulling him into the most awkward kiss Six had ever seen. And also the only kiss Six had ever seen that wasn’t in a movie. So maybe it wasn’t awkward.

“Ewwwww.” Zero whined, pointedly holding his comic in front of his face. He scooted over, closer to Six.

Six’ eyes rolled as Gisu let Dion go and he fell back with a dumbstruck look on his face, before smiling like an idiot and leaning in again—

“Oh, yeah.” The bag of crackers fell into Zero’s lap, and he opened it up. “Dee said we gotta share.”

Six glanced at Dion—ew, nope, he and Gisu were now giggling and taking sips of each other’s gatorade, gross—and then around them at Three and Four. There was only one bag of what Six was pretty sure was trail mix between them, though it and the juices were both unopened. Gisu was offering a piece of jerky to Dion, who didn’t seem to have any snack unique to him—okay, yeah, looked like everyone was sharing.

Six looked at the crackers Zero was holding out to him. They were fish-shaped and burnt orange. He’d never had crackers like these before.

(The clones never exactly shared meals—they each got their portions and ate together. And it was all the same for each of them, because they all came from the same source even if they didn’t share the same tastes—)

Six blinked, his eyes suddenly stinging. Four and Three were sharing, because of course they were, because they were made together and worked together and existed to tether each other. And Dion and Gisu were sharing, because they were a couple or something like that—ewww—

But Zero didn’t come in a pair. He would have been the odd one out—

(Water crashing through the shared headspace, crashing against the torn walls of the testing range, crashing Five’s body to the floor—)

Six shoved the bag back at Zero. “‘M not hungry.” He grumbled. Zero was the odd one out, anyway, with his stupid comic and stupid being the original—

“Six?” Zero sounded so concerned—

(Like Five, who was always concerned about everyone and everything because he could so easily see from their shoes, who always needed to reach out and help to feel like he was worth anything because helping was what he did—)

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” Six stood, eyes wetter than he wanted them to be. He hadn’t meant to be that loud—everyone was looking at him, now, Four leaning to look around Dion and Gisu and Three coming to with a mumbled “wha—?”—

It was too much. All of the—everything was too much, because nothing was simple anymore—

(It never had been—)

—and everything sucked and hurt and Six wasn’t even sure why he was still trying—

Six turned—to run? To hide?—only to stop short when what must have been Dion grabbed his arm. Six yanked his arm free, and sat down hard, still facing away from everyone. He curled up, burying his face in his knees. It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fucking fair.

The others made attempts, after a while of letting Six cry, to cheer him up. Zero had tried to give Six’ juice box to him, Three had given his helmet to Zero at one point and Four had then offered to share their trail mix—

But Six didn’t budge a single inch until the Pelican arrived, hours later, the sun past its apex in the sky.

(The sky Five never got to see.)

[slusheeduck]

Fictober 2023 Day 31 - Prompt: "Is it over? Is it really over?" Fandom: Baldur's Gate 3

Neverwinter was…different than Falerin remembered it. More cosmopolitan, more new. Apparently the whole city had been leveled while he was off in the Feywild—it was a bit of a disappointment, really, after dreaming about coming back throughout everything in Baldur’s Gate.

But one thing that did remain the same was what had drawn him to the city in the first place: the universal encouragement to Follow One’s Weird. Neverwinter was a city of artisans and artists, of flowers in the snow and traders from the world over. So, really, if one wanted to commit to a nocturnal lifestyle, whatever their reason, Neverwinter was the place to embrace such eccentricities. Besides, with their famous colored lamps, the city was prettier at night anyway.

“…and remember, we’re hosting dinner with Ellerin and Paravel tomorrow night. Gods, why did we agree to that? She’s just going ask if her dress is ready when I said the level of embroidery she wanted would take at least a tenday.” The pale elf leading the way through the night market paused, turning his curly head to look at Falerin as he trailed behind. His head tilted. “Falerin, darling? Are you listening?”

Falerin blinked, snapped back into the moment as Astarion’s cool hand rested on his arm. His mouth twitched. “Sorry, I wasn’t.”

Astarion clicked his tongue, but he smiled. “Away with the fairies, are you? I know that’s a bigger risk for you than most.”

Somewhere in the back of Falerin’s mind, his patron giggled—a reminder that she wasn’t quite done with him yet. But that could wait. For now, he could rest in what he had: a home, a love, and finally, finally some peace.

He smiled as Astarion slid his arm through his, careful of the bag of groceries he held, and kissed the side of his head. It had been wonderful, seeing him bloom in their new life here—no Cazador, no obligations to anyone, free to do as he liked, when he liked. And if he missed the sun, he only let it show with a few wistful glances at the illuminated curtains in their home. A life in the dark, he’d said, was well-worth everything else he had.

“So, darling, tell me what you’re thinking,” Astarion said as they wove through the crowd arm-in-arm. “I can’t peek into your mind anymore, remember.”

Falerin smiled, then came to a stop. He looked up overhead, at the beautiful lamps that lit the street, at the clocks that kept perfect time, at the dark expanse of sky with the moon hanging overhead like a pretty bauble.

“I just…I know, it’s been a year,” he said quietly. “But I keep finding myself asking ‘Is it over? Is it really over?’” He looked over to Astarion. “Some days, I’m certain I’m going to wake up in camp and face it all again, that this is…just a dream.”

Astarion let out a soft breath, and he looked up overhead as well. “If it is a dream,” he finally said, “then I hope you never wake up.” He lowered his red gaze. “Because I want this—you, our life, everything—to last forever, more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.”

Falerin smiled, and he shut his eyes contentedly as he lightly rested his head against Astarion’s. “Then let’s keep dreaming, for as long as we can.”

Fictober 2023 Drabble Master Post

[deans-baby-momma]

Law & Love Chapter 6

THEN

If there is anything I’m sure of, it’s that Sheriff Beau Arlen will protect me and keep me safe. 

My hero doesn’t wear a cape; he wears Wranglers and a Stetson.

NOW

Beau jumps out of the truck; rushes around the front to my side, opening my door and helping me out.

"It's not much but 'mi casa es tu casa'." Beau never lets go of my hand as he shuts the truck door and leads me up the dirt pathway to the wooden deck set up in front of the metal Airstream. 

There are two Adirondack chairs to one side with a little metal table between them and an old dented green cooler situated behind it.

"I sometimes sit out here, listening to the sounds of nature and watching the stars twinkle when I've had a rough day," he tells me in a voice a little louder than a whisper.

"That's……nice," I look up at him with a smile. "Do you mind if we-" I trail off, motioning to the area and he nods.

"Sure. I know your nerves have to be frazzled."

I sit in the chair closest to us as he steps further and takes the other one. I close my eyes and just listen, hoping to relax and stop thinking about my stalker. 

The first thing I hear are the frog's chirping in the distance, telling me that there is probably a small pond or brook nearby. The next thing my ears pick up is the rustling of leaves high in the trees that surround us. Lastly, I can hear the low hum of an airplane somewhere overhead.

I lean back and rest my head on the back of the chair, my eyes still closed while I take it all in. Slowly, the rest of my body catches on and the tension begins to dissipate. After a few moments of just absorbing the utopian oasis, I open my eyes to find Beau watching me, studying me.

"What?" I ask, concerned.

"You're beautiful," he states matter-of-factly. 

"Thanks," I reply, feeling the heat of embarrassment warming my cheeks. "This place is Heaven on earth. How did you find it?"

"My buddy uses it as a hunting/fishing grounds. There's a lake about two miles that way-" he points to the left. "-trout, bass, catfish. But it's not the season for that, so he offered it while I fill in for Tubb." 

"Nice of your friend," I respond, closing my eyes again and leaning back to enjoy the peace and quiet.

I don't know how long we have sat here but when I open my eyes again, Beau has mimicked me and the sun is low in the western sky, pinks and oranges stretching out casting the last hints of daylight as it sinks rather rapidly now

I take the chance to study the dutiful sheriff in last dregs of sunlight  Sandy  brown hair that is a bit longer than I'm sure is protocol, lightly tanned freckled skin across his nose, and lips any woman would pay money to have.  His chin and jawline are proportional with strong, defined edges.  He is a fucking work of art!

I allow my eyes to glide over his body, from his broad chest and massive biceps that his shirt is straining to contain down across his stomach that is taut but plump. 

My eyes stop at the large belt buckle and I smile. What is it about cowboys and their buckle fetishes? The bigger the buckle, the more rugged? The more brawn?

As I consider those things my eyes naturally trail lower and land on the zipper area of his jeans. Even with the thick denim, there is no denying this God of a man is well-endowed and could ruin me for all others.

I'm not going to lie, I am totally down for that.

As my eyes travel further to his thick thighs, Beau startles me as he speaks, "Like what you see, darlin'?"  

My eyes cut up to his face to see his eyes half-open but the green of his irises shine through and there is a half smile/half smirk adorning his luscious lips. 

As we look at one another, his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows and I see a peek of pink when he pushes his tongue against the back of his teeth.

I have never been one to tell a fib, honesty is the best policy and all that jazz, so I look him directly in his eyes and resolutely respond with a "Why, yes I do."

My whole body shakes at the intensity of the orgasm bearing down on me. With one more powerful, deep thrust my body explodes. My limbs go numb, my head feels as if it's floating in proximity to my neck and my skin tingles.

"Ohhhhh, Beauuuuuuu!" I moan in exhilaration. I hear him groan and as soon as the sound hits the auditory cortex of my brain my eyes snap open. 

For a second, I'm disoriented and conflicted. That's not my ceiling and this soft as hell mattress I'm on is not my bed. And wasn't Sheriff Beau Arlen just fucking the hell out of me?

I hear a hitch of breath beside me and I turn to see Beau laying on his side, facing away from me. His arm is under the sheet but I can see the muscles constrict with his movements. Is he doing what I think he's doing?!

Suddenly, the movements stop and I see his whole body tense before a shiver sends the sheet further down his arm. I can now see clearly that his reach is going to his groin area. 

Fuck, that's hot! I hate to admit it but I'm saddened to have missed the show. 

After, what I can only assume is him leaning forward to grab something to clean up, Beau turns onto his back and freezes as he realizes I'm awake. 

"Uhhhh," he stutters. "How long have you been awake?"

"Well, I apparently missed the prolonged version  of the story but the ending looked pretty fulfilling," I say with a smile.

What surprises me is the tinge of pink that colors his cheeks and the tops of his ears.  Is he embarrassed?

"Sorry Y/N," he apologizes. "I'm really trying to be a gentleman here but I have a beautiful woman in my bed; who is moaning my name, and making such pretty sounds, I couldn't help myself."

The sentiment is endearing and charming and it warms my heart but the dull ache between my thighs controls everything, especially my mouth.

"You know, I've never been into gentle men," I put emphasis on the last two words, hoping he catches the double entendre.

Beau closes his eyes and groans. "Darlin', I promise we will get there but not before I take you on a proper date. And that can't happen while you have someone out there, hunting you like prey.”

"Believe me, I would love nothing better than to make love to you and claim you but……just not tonight, okay?"

The sincerity and honesty is not only his words but his eyes and that fills me with warmth and desire. 

@lostinaseaoffictionalbliss @spnbaby-67 @tftumblin @sea040561 @delightfullykrispypeach @larajadeschmidt13 @atc74 @vicariouslythruspn @squirrelnotsam  @sandlee44 @blacktithe7 @hoboal87 @mogaruke @deanwanddamons @supraveng @deandreamernp @akshi8278 @lyarr24 @kazsrm67 @chriszgirl92 @deanwithscissors @raisinggray @fanfic-n-tabulous @deans-spinster-witch @yvonneeeeeeee

[natsu-tte-noodle]

手紙 (Letters) - To Misumi

(Cross Posted on AO3)

Words: 781 Warnings: ACT 5 Spoilers

Misumi,

It’s getting rather chilly these days.  Before we know it, it’ll drop below freezing in the mornings.  Be sure to bundle up when you go out.

I’m not one for perfect settings or seasonal hobbies, but it really does feel like the perfect time of year to write a letter.  I wonder if that was intentional on Izumi’s part, or if she got lucky with a coincidence.

Honestly, I had expected to get this done much quicker, but I ended up getting distracted trying to bully Chigasaki into starting his.  Which I’ve had no luck with, by the way.  At this point, it’s his problem if that gets out to someone who cares.

That said, feel free to tell someone who cares.

Anyway, I can’t say I’m particularly familiar with writing letters that aren’t for business.  Or, maybe it’s more accurate to say that I’m not familiar with writing letters where I cared at all what the person getting it would think.

I’d also be lying if I said I was completely sure what to write here.  My own letter ended up yelling at me quite a bit, but it was from Sakyo, so I guess that’s to be expected.  Still, it’s not the best reference to go off of.  Leave it to our director to throw me completely for a loop with this, right?  For now, I’ll write whatever comes to mind and we’ll see where that takes us.

The other day, when I was coming home after an extended overtime, I happened to see you up on the roof.  I’m still not sure how you manage to get up there silently enough to not wake even a single person.  It’s certainly something.

I was tempted to call out to you, but you seemed so unusually serious.  I suppose the night naturally breeds that sort of atmosphere, but in the moment, it still felt like I shouldn’t impose.

Is it the starry sky itself that you’re interested in?  Or is it the mystique behind it that draws your attention?  I think both are impressive in their own right.  Beyond our Earth, already bigger than we can really comprehend, there’s a whole universe out there.  Only visible at night, and so far away that it all appears to us as tiny.  Did you know?  Some starlight is billions of years old, and is only just reaching us now.

Writing about the stars reminds me of the Tanabata festivities we held back in July.  If I remember correctly, I woke up to a room covered in layered triangles, courtesy of a certain triangle lover.  I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I spent a lot of my life outside of Japan for studies and work, so I actually had never really celebrated Tanabata before.  Needless to say, it was quite the surprise to find all those decorations, since I wasn’t even familiar with them before that day.

When I first heard the story of Orihime and Hikoboshi, I instantly understood how the sight of the Milky Way in the night sky would evoke the image of a wide river.  A river made of billions of stars, only crossable because two people wished hard enough for it.  It feels hopeful to a fault.  Though I suppose that in itself can be admirable.

That’s neither here nor there, though.  I don’t have particularly strong feelings on all this; I guess you could say it’s just the impression I get of still nights with only the moon as company.

In that stillness, it really does feel like a wish on a tanzaku could be granted, doesn’t it?  My wish is a secret though, of course.

That’s all I’ve got, really.  Be sure to not catch a cold up there.

　

Chikage

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

What do you see up in the stars?

Are you looking for something in particular?  When you speak to the empty air, ‎are you talking to someone?

　

　

　

Do you think they hear you?

　

This must be coming out of nowhere.  Honestly, I’m not even sure myself where I’m coming from or trying to go with this.

I just thought that it would be nice, if that person up in the stars is really listening.  If they were watching over you and hearing your stories.  If they could see you living the life they hoped you would, when they weren’t there anymore.

Or maybe I’m being presumptuous.  I don’t mean to assume things about you or what you do up there, so I apologize.

If it’s alright with you, though, I think it might be nice to join you up there one day.  There’s someone I’ve been meaning to catch up with, too.

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[echoforpresident]

The bad batch but as Midnights song

So here is something absolutely no one asked for but here is what songs i think the batchers are on Midnights by Taylor Swift based on lyrics and vibes

Lavender haze - Omega

“All this shit is new to me”

Tell me this song is not her, I dare you. The beat, the vibes and everything about it

Maroon - Echo

“The lips i used to call home”

This has no real logical explanation besides from a fanfic I made up in my head about being echo’s S/O and them loosing him because of the citadel and them missing him and then getting him and the lips they used to call home back again. And then also recalling memories of spilling wine on each other

Anti-hero - Crosshair

How could I not? He is the anti hero of the batch if they ever had one.

However I dont think he is the problem, Its not his fault and to me he is still perfect.

“I wake up from dreaming one day i’ll watch as your leaving”

“I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror”

And for the crosshair girls: “it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero”

Snow on the beach - Echo

Because sadly, man has insecurities

“You wanting me tonight feels impossible”

Also: “life is emotionally abusive” cause MAN HAS BEEN THROUGH IT

You’re on your own kid - Omega

This one is tough because well it could fit them all BUT I think it fits omega the most because well, She is the only kid and the only one of them that had ever gotten to feel like a kid

“Cause there were pages turned

With the bridges burned

Everything you lose is a step you take

So make the frienship bracelets

Take the moment and take it

You’ve Got no reason to be afraid”

Midnight rain - Crosshair

“I wanted that pain” enough said

Question… ? - Tech

Simply for the line: “i just may like some explanations”

I also feel like Tech would be one to day “thats nice, im sure that’s what’s suitable”

And just in general man would ask many questions

Vigilante shit - Crosshair

Okay so man seems like the type to get revenge when he has been wronged so this is just perfection for him

“Dont get sad, get even”

“Lately i’ve been dressing for revenge”

Bejewled - Wrecker

Simply for the vibes

Lanyrinth - Hunter

Hunter again because this line:

“You know how much i hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back”

Bonus!

Wrecker in this one specific line:

“You know how scared I am of elevators” from that one scene during clone wars where he is scared to get on the escalator and asks how far up they are going.

Sweet nothing - Echo

Seems like a sweet nothing type of guy

“ you’re in the kitchen humming’ he is a humming in the kitchen type of person and he also doesnt want anything from his partner except for their pressence and time

Mastermind - Tech

Man is a mastermind and man would make a very detailed plan to get you to fall in love with him after doing an insane amount of research so yes, he is the mastermind and i will take no arguments

“To asses the equation of you”

“I laid the groundwork and then just like clockwork the dominos cascaded in a line”

“And now you’re mine, it was all by design”

“Cause im a mastermind”

The great war - all of them

They all fought in the clone wars except for Omega but she was still effected.

I honestly cant listen to this without thinking of them

“ flashes of the battle come back to me like a blur”

“It turned into something bigger

Somewhere in the haze, Got a sense i’d been betrayed”

Them when they found out about the chips

Bigger than the whole sky - the whole batch minus tech

The batch after they thought they lost Tech in the season 2 finale. THEY THOUGHT THEY LOST HIM BUT THEY DIDNT CAUSE HE SURVIVED OKAY. HE IS ALIVE AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE

“Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky”

Paris - Hunter when in love

“I want to brainwash you into loving me forever”

High infedelity - Crosshair

"You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love The slowest way is never loving them enough"

i'm just gonna go cry if you'll excuse me

Glitch - Hunter

"i was supposed to sweat you out"

would totally be the type of guy to try and swet someone out

would've, could've, should've - omega

"Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first"

dear reader - the entire batch

"Dear reader If it feels like a trap, you're already in one Dear reader Get out your map, pick somewhere and just run"

enough said

Thank you for your time and i apologise for the Crosshair songs

[please-picturemeintheweeds]

I'm a cry baby who can't do wcs or all too well 10 minute, guess this album isn't for me

I don’t think that’s necessarily true! Albums are great because there’s so many songs and they’re all different (that’s a big reason why I love Taylor so much! I’m an album girl and rarely listen to music without listening to the whole thing because I feel like context is super important, especially with Taylor). I think the trick for me, a fellow cry baby, is to know my limits and to allow myself to skip songs if I’m not in a place to hear them- like I skip WCS and bigger than the whole sky fairly often bc sometimes I’m just not in the mood but that doesn’t mean the album isn’t for me (or you)! I also really appreciate that Taylor gives me such a safe outlet to feeeeeeel things that might be tough to access otherwise. She’s such an album artist and she’s sooo good at guiding the emotional experience of listening, so I guess I just trust her a lot to do what she does best? Sometimes I need to cry! And in the past when her music has brought up tough topics (like would’ve could’ve should’ve) it ultimately helped me process things and connect with other people about those feelings. I love that she can reach such a raw emotional place, even if I skip it sometimes - there’s no shame in that!

So with a new album where everything is an unknown, I’ve learned to prepare myself by thinking about what things might come up (thankfully Taylor’s Easter eggs seem to double as a trigger warning list for TTPD!) and how I’ll take care of myself before/during/after. Basically I trust her, and I know myself and what I can handle and I trust myself to skip when I need to. Having friends/mutuals to talk about the hard stuff with helps a lot too. Community is so important 🤍 With that said, if TTPD seems like it might be too much for you, you might want to hold off on listening until you have a chance to read reviews and see what other fans are saying. There’s no shame in waiting a few days after release to listen so that you can be prepared to take care of yourself 🤍

[motownfiction]

rowing

In the middle of the first summer after the vaccines, Steph gets it in her head she has to take her family on the biggest and best vacation they can possibly have. She’s not the only one with that idea, of course, but she might be the only one who thinks that the perfect vacation is white water rafting in Traverse City, Michigan.

Katie and Jenny are down for it, of course. They’re the sporty kind of adventurous, after all. Since Steph booked the trip back in March, Jenny’s been practicing her rowing skills with whatever she can get her hands on. Judy, however, is less excited. She makes a point to tell Jenny that pretend rowing in the bathtub is not the same as rowing in Lake Michigan, and Jenny always cries (though Steph knows she’s mostly pretending).

One night, after some real tears from Jenny, Steph follows Judy up to her room. She’s lying on her bed listening to XTC. “Making Plans for Nigel.” Steph has to stifle a laugh behind her palm. That Judy Tuesday. So much like her father.

Steph comes in and turns down the volume on the stereo – the one Jenny begged for when she turned thirteen last year. She looks up at Steph with pretty blue eyes, the only thing about her whole face that looks a damn thing like her mother, and Steph damn near turns into a puddle on the carpet.

“You can sit down,” Judy says. “I know you want to.”

Steph takes a breath and sits down on the bed next to Judy. She takes a minute before she finds the best way to ask her question.

“Why are you so against the whole rafting thing?”

Judy sighs.

“Are you seriously asking?”

“I am seriously asking.”

Another angsty sigh.

“Because you and Jenny and Mama Katie are so … out,” Judy says, pushing her chest toward the sky like her feelings are bigger than her words (because they usually are).

“I know,” Steph says. “But you’re not so demure yourself.”

“I know. But it’s not the same. I’m like a dork. You’re all, like, cool.”

Steph laughs a little. She’s never thought of herself as cool, even when she knew other people did. It’s just never mattered much to Steph what other people think of her – only what her daughters think.

“You’re cool, too,” Steph says. “And you know why you’re cool?”

“Enlighten me, Mother.”

“Because even though you’re not into the athletic stuff, you can still pull it off. And you, more than anyone else in our raft, will understand rowing as a metaphor.”

“For what?”

“For making it through. For pushing on and on and on, even when it feels like your arms are going to fall off. You don’t give up, Jude. You never have.”

Judy smiles a little. It’s one of those things that makes Steph think she’s doing an OK job at this mom thing after all.

She just keeps rowing and rowing and rowing.

(part of @nosebleedclub poetry month challenge -- day vi!)

[mainepdf]

the great war backing vocals are giving me life I’m a slut for backing vocals the HARMONIES I’m deceased

bigger than the whole sky. mmph. the instrumentals sound like it’s hurting the vocals sound like it’s hurting the lyrics sounds like it’s hurting. it makes you hurt a little too

the. hmm. how do i describe it. the… vocal structure? rhythm of the vocals? whatever it is it’s sooo good this is paris btw

first three seconds of high infidelity and i’m like. hoohoo stimmy. i can tell i’ll like this one. And the lyrics at 1:30?? Killing me a little bit. What’s the April 29 bit referencing is that an actual thing you know I’m curious now

two stimmy songs?? In a row?? Taylor’s really delivering with glitch

would’ve could’ve should’ve goes on for a bit longer than my brain is willing to listen to but otherwise pretty good pretty good

dear reader shot me twice in the back of the dead and left me in a dark alley. but like. in a good way

Overall: pretty nice pretty nice. Why weren’t some of these on the actual album

great war vocals were slaying indeed

yup bttws is pure pain

paris is VERY BOPPY I LOVE THE PRODUCTION

april 29 is the day taylor supposedly committed this 'high infidelity', more knowledgeable swifties please correct me if im wrong

YES GLTICH IS AMAZING AND IT'S SO UNDERRATED

yeah ig it's a bit repetitive but i think that's what adds to the themes of the song, in that she can't stop thinking about the pain and being haunted by her past

dear reader is very heartbreaking hdjsahdjk

honestly im not sure, taylor released the 3am version like three hours after the original album and we didn't even know these bonus tracks existed before that. maybe she made them bonus tracks on purpose like she knew she would surprise release them or they're just songs that didn't make the cut!

[holdinbacksecrets]

boyfriend things: voicemails for mingyu

♡“i hope this voicemail makes you frown in the morning. you said you’d call, and i got my hopes up. i poured a glass of wine and ran a bath expecting to hear from you as i sank into the bubbles… make it up to me. something good… i love you. sweet dreams.”

♡“we’re not like those couples who meet in the airport after time away and make a scene. a scene bigger than one from a blockbuster film. that’s just not us… absolutely not. don’t expect me to run to you. don’t open your arms. don’t let me wrap my legs around your waist. it won’t happen. we’re nothing like that.”

♡“i set myself up for this. i took you home, and you wore your best sweater. i wanted to laugh when my mom complimented you because you got all embarrassed and red-cheeked. and you know what? my heart swelled. you drive me crazy no matter the situation. at least you didn’t change the light bulb in her bathroom. but oh, you took her dog on a walk instead, and all my neighbors gawked at you. should’ve changed the light bulb. it’s dangerous on those [suburban] sidewalks.”

♡“i can’t remember how many nights we’ve walked around the city in nice weather. it’s been years since i told you about my love for a sky when it’s dark and the clouds look nothing like they do beside the sun and tiffany blue. you told your friends we never would’ve dated if those night walks hadn’t happened. it’s like the sky is my liquor. i get drunk and unravel. i say too much or maybe not enough because you kept wanting more.”

♡“i decided to love you on a tuesday. i made breakfast, smeared homemade jam on toast, and boiled the last of my eggs, but i didn’t make coffee. i made love. it brewed and swirled all around me like steam. i drank the whole pot and felt it sink into my veins and swell my heart, make a home in me. i was on a mission, and you know what they say: breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

♡“you can call me again. you can call me every time. you were crying on the phone last night, and you said my words weren’t necessary. you said there was comfort in my acceptance of your state. in my breathing. in my silent empathy, but i wanted to touch you. i wanted to speak. i stayed quiet, but i left my place. i took the last bus. i rode the elevator to your floor. i used my key. i said i can love you so much better beside you.”

♡“i met someone in the park this afternoon. i almost said nothing, but we shared a bench, and their lock screen’s you. i asked, who’s the handsome man? and she couldn’t stop talking about you. all her words grew from adoration and love and respect. i nearly cried. i wanted to tell her who i was, but i smiled instead. i said i’ll listen to the songs you recommended. i’ve written them all down. she told me, i hope you come to love him because the world opened up for me when i let myself have this joy. there’s peace built into the decision to root for another and i root for you, infinitely.”

♡“you’re asleep. you’re holding my waist with your head in my lap. i’m holding the phone with one hand, so i can comb my fingers through your hair. i love you. i’m so proud of you. you work so hard, and you hold me. you’ve held me so many times. i must hold you more. now is not enough because you’re fisting my shirt like i’ll let go if you do. i’ll hold you when you’re awake. please, don’t be surprised. it’s with all the love i’ve drank and made. it’s all the joy from you meeting my life, widening my world. you’ve done so much for me. the least i can do is smooth your hair and cover your body with the knitted blanket sprawled across the back of my couch, just for now… and over and over again until you unclench your fist. i’m not going anywhere.”