#do i mention that the surgery date has been scheduled for months

[sam-not-sammie]

Hey someone who works in the medical field tell me how its legal for a hospital to just “forget” to schedule a procedure that has been on the books for almost a year now??? Because now my partner can’t get the reconstructive surgery he desperately needs on his wrist and hand (despite literally receiving a prep packet last week for it).

[starstruckbyacomet]

Brilliant Minds vs. 9-1-1

A True Lover vs. an Abusive Lover

A post from @bugboybuck about how Brilliant Minds is telling a queer love story (Wolf x Nichols) compared to 9-1-1 (Buck x Tommy) intrigued me. If anyone interested, here's a playlist of Wolf x Nichols' story on YouTube:

A. SIMILARITIES & DIFFERENCES

There are things in the Wolf x Nichols's love story which are similar with Buck x Tommy's of 9-1-1:

Dr. Josh Nichols (a.k.a. Nichols) is a gay man in his 40s.

Nichols is a military veteran, who survived the DADT era.

There's a period when Nichols didn't appear on screen.

Nichols broke up with Dr. Oliver Wolf (a.k.a. Wolf) when their relationship was still new.

Sound familiar?

And here's how Brilliant Minds is telling its queer love story better differently:

1)) Interactions between Wolf and Nichols are front and center. They're collaborating a lot in handling high risk medical cases. It helps that both Zachary Quinto (who plays Wolf) and Teddy Sears (who plays Nichols) are main casts, like Ronen Rubinstein and Rafael Silva in Lone Star. Thus, Wolf x Nichols' relationship is treated more like Tarlos' relationship than Tevan's.

2)) Wolf fought for their relationship. Brilliant Minds depicts Oliver Wolf as a genius and relentless doctor. Wolf does anything and everything for his patients. He broke a bunch of hospital rules, challenged the head of neurosurgeon (Nichols), took a patient out of hospital right before a scheduled surgery to grant the patient's last wish. Even when a patient gave up and wanted to die, Wolf didn't give up. Thus, when Nichols broke up with him, Wolf also didn't give up. He fought for another chance with Nichols.

Wolf's attitude is very much in contrast with Buck's. On episode 4x05, Athena has said that being Buck meant never give up. However, Buck's attitude after Tommy broke up with him is pretty much giving up their relationship.

3)) Nichols' presence could be felt even when he was not on screen. When Nichols had to attend a medical conference out of the city, his name was mentioned in conversations. Wolf had been sending him voice messages (Wolf didn't have a mobile phone), until finally Nichols sent Wolf a mobile phone as a gift. Wolf was also seen receiving a call from Nichols using his brand new mobile phone. Each of those scenes only last a few seconds, and Nichols was not physically present in them, not even his voice was. However, the audience could feel his presence, and feel that their love story is continuing.

How is this contrast with the way 9-1-1 treated Tevan? Oh, where should I begin? @do-androids-dream-ao3acc has posted signs that the show has undermined Tevan's relationship once Season 8 started, even before the break up:

Nobody ever mentioning Tommy, not even Buck.

Not one kiss in all of those episodes, except the fleeting cheek kiss in the break-up episode.

Six months and still no obvious inclusion of Tommy (back) into the 118 group, except when he was accompanying Buck who was waiting for Denny's surgery in the hospital.

After the break up, the signs are even more clear:

Buck was flustered when talking with a woman during his anniversary date with Tommy. Despite making Buck seemed rude and tactless, what is the actual purpose of this scene? It seems to remind the audience that Buck is still attracted to women, hence laying the ground for Buck's rebound relationships which most likely will involve women.

Buck didn't seem to mourn the break up. He was channeling his supposed brokenheart into baking, but he didn't seem to be grieving. He seemed anxious/upset when talking about Tommy, but not mourning or depressed. His demeanor even back to normal on the scenes when he didn't talk about Tommy, like on emergency scenes, or while watching Hotshots together with his team. Heck, Tevan fans have been grieving the relationship more than Buck has.

They made light the break up by having Buck baking. The show might want to emphasize the 'comedic' side of this supposed 'romcom'. However, it came off as tone-deaf since the audience was grieving more than Buck was.

People close to Buck seemed to want him to move on instead of to be back together with Tommy. In Season 7, Bobby said Tommy was good for Buck, and Henren asked Tommy about his intention with Buck. However, after the break up, no one seemed to talk to either Buck or Tommy about it. They even took Buck's phone away in one ocassion, prevented Buck from contacting Tommy and having a discussion with him like adults.

B. THE MIXED SIGNALS

Despite the above negative signals, the show has also been giving baits positive signs about the possibility of Tevan's reunion:

Buck is still in a baking frenzy because he is supposed to be still thinking about Tommy.

#TommybubblesBuck in episode 8x07 "Hotshots".

In a Screen Rant article, Tim Minear blatantly mentioned about the possibility of characters' return, including Brad and Tommy without promising anything concrete.

So far, we have been receiving mixed signals about Tevan's reunion:

If they haven't planned for Tevan's reunion, why did they show #TommybubblesBuck? It would be easier if they showed that Tommy went cold turkey on Buck.

If they've planned for Tevan's reunion, why didn't they made the 118 family showed more concern/support on the relationship? It would more make sense if Bobby/Hen/Maddie encouraged Buck to talk to Tommy.

If they have planned for Tevan's reunion, WHY DID THEY SEND MIXED SIGNALS AT ALL???

It is clear that Tevan's relationship is popular. Their kissing scenes went viral...twice, and the unusual amount of complaints about the break up indicates that even some parts the General Audience want them to be together. The queer love story has also attracted new viewers to the show, some of them are among us in this fandom. If they've planned for Tevan's reunion, there is no use in giving negative signals. It could even make people misunderstand and stop watching the show, thinking that Tevan has broken up for good.

Sending mixed signals becomes made sense when we realize that THEY ACTUALLY DIDN'T PLAN TO MAKE TEVAN REUNITED.

There's already one established queer couple on the show: Henren. Having another queer couple incures a risk of upsetting the majority of the audience. However, due to its popularity, making the break up permanent also incures a risk of losing a part of audience, who has been watching the show mainly for Tevan.

The safest way to keep most of the audience is by giving the majority what they want, while implying other things to the 'non-majority, but-quite-significant-in-number' audience. It is possible that they plan to do tommybaiting until near the end of this season, before finally showing Tommy up to bait the audience to watch the next season. After all, they've been baiting Buddie stans for 6 years and counting. They made Buck admired/envied Eddie's physique. They made Maddie teased Buck about his boycrush on Eddie. They made a stranger in Santa Clause costume thought that Christopher was Buck & Eddie's son. They made Buck Christopher's legal guardian, although insisted in an interview that it was a platonic gesture. They made Eddie showed up in front of Buck, right after TK implied that Buck was queer. They made Eddie talked about beard, right after he mentioned that he was straight. They made Buck sat next to Eddie in his underwear on 8x06. They've been giving mixed signals to Buddie stans all these years, to keep them watching & supporting the show, without ever making Buddie canon. They could apply the same strategy to a slightly different group of audience.

C. THE ABUSIVE LOVER

@hunter470 has pointed out how bad the show has treated Tommy and Tevan's love story overall. It is even more obvious when being compared to the way the show treated Brad Torrence, the fake captain of Hotshots. I hadn't fully comprehended how bad it was, until I watched Wolf x Nichols' love story in Brilliant Minds, then compared it to Tevan's. It is similar like being in an abusive relationship. You didn't know how bad you've been treated by 9-1-1, until you experience what a healthy relationship with Brilliant Minds can give you.

At this point, I'm convinced that only a risk of losing audience could move the show to make Tevan reunited. The rating of 8x08 "Wannabe" is better than 8x07 "Hotshots", so I don't know whether us boycotting the show would be effective or not. Probably not. However, I plan to keep boycotting, for the slight chance of it'll help making Tevan reunited sooner, and to retaliate their deceitful way of baiting more viewers by promising a properly handled queer love story.

[sycamorelibrary754]

Guardian Angel

Chapter 7: Pinot's Palette

Summary: Your recovery is coming along nicely and it’s finally time for your first official date with Wanda. You go to great lengths to ensure that it is perfect. 

Warnings: Mentions of injuries.

Word Count: 5k

A/N: This has been my favorite chapter to write so far. I hope you enjoy! 

Guardian Angel Masterlist

The gentle chime of your phone broke your focus from the gripping novel in your hand. Glancing at the screen, you were met with the latest reminder in your schedule - the second follow-up appointment with Helen. A sense of dread washed over you as you realized that you were still unable to walk, making the journey to the Med Bay in your wheelchair a daunting challenge as usual. Adding to the difficulty, your left arm remained in a sling, magnifying your reliance on the newfound friends helping you with even the simplest tasks around the compound. The constant need for assistance left you weary, but you held onto hope for positive news today. It had been over a month since the accident, and you yearned to return to work as soon as possible.

Wanda had taken Billy and Tommy to soccer practice, leaving you all alone. Luckily, Natasha stepped in and offered to accompany you to your appointment. Standing with her arms crossed, she reluctantly observed as you attempted to persuade her that you could manage without her help. You demonstrated how you maneuvered the wheelchair with your right hand and relied on gravity to propel yourself forward.

Natasha entertained your demonstration for only ten seconds before her patience wore thin. She seized the wheelchair handles and began propelling you down the hall. Annoyed, you muttered but let Natasha take charge.

Nat called, 'Beep, beep,' as she rolled into the Med Bay.

"Y/N, everything's ready for you," a nurse announced.

Nat offered, "Do you want me to come in with you?"

"Absolutely," you replied as the nurse began to wheel you away.

You had grown accustomed to the routine. Every time, you would undergo X-rays and an MRI to assess your progress. Luckily, Med Bay provided instant test results, which you deeply appreciated. Shortly after, a gentle knock was on the door, and Dr. Cho entered the room.

“Hey, Y/N,” she greeted you as she sat beside the hologram interface and pulled up your patient file. "How are you feeling today?”

You sighed, feeling a bit worn out. This week has been a challenge. The soreness on my left side, both in my stomach and chest, persists, but I've noticed that my headaches are becoming less frequent.

"The discomfort you're feeling on your left side is totally normal after the splenectomy and the procedure on your punctured lung. It's expected that you may have some residual and referred pain for a while. And hey, remember to take it easy on the screen time while you're still dealing with concussion symptoms," Helen said, arching an eyebrow with a knowing look.

“Don’t worry,” Nat interrupted. “We’ll make sure she stays off the screens.”

Your recovery is progressing very well," remarked Helen as she reviewed the MRI images. She pointed at the screen, explaining, "The cradle has significantly accelerated the healing process following your surgery. As you can see, there is very little scar tissue and no inflammation around your abdomen or chest. This is exactly the kind of progress we were hoping for.”

You were grateful for Helen's positive and composed attitude. From the moment you were wheeled into her operating room, she has been by your side through every stage of this journey. Her support has been invaluable to you over the past month.

So, that was the good news," she said, rubbing her hands together eagerly. "But do you want to hear the great news?

“That wasn’t the great news?” You inquired.

“Your fractured ankle has healed remarkably well in the past month. This means you're ready to say goodbye to the wheelchair," Helen said with a smile, displaying the before-and-after X-ray images. "Instead, we'll have you fitted with a walking boot for the next couple of weeks. You can take it off at night, and if all goes according to plan, you can bid farewell to the boot and your sling in just two weeks.”

Phew," you breathed out, running a hand over your face, feeling a wave of relief wash over you. "Helen, I can't thank you enough for this.

"If everything goes smoothly, I can see you returning to work in approximately a month," she remarked.

*^~^*

As you and Natasha stepped off the elevator and entered the lounge room, you couldn't help but be struck by the sensation of walking. It had been long since you could walk freely, and you made a mental note to never take that simple act for granted again. Finding a comfortable spot on the sofa, you reached for your phone to check for any missed calls from Wanda. After your open and honest conversation about your feelings, you found it difficult to go long without speaking to the redhead.

Nat's hand swiftly reaches out from behind and snatches your phone. "Nope," she declared with a mischievous grin.

“Hey!” You shouted.

“Remember what Helen said - no screens while you're still experiencing concussion symptoms.”

Come on, Nat," you said, grabbing your phone. "I'm feeling fine at the moment. Wanda was supposed to call me after my appointment, and I really don't want to miss it.”

“I will hold onto your phone and let you know if she calls,” she said, holding it above her head.

Rising to your feet, you used your uninjured arm to reach for your phone.

"Maria heads up!" Natasha called to her girlfriend as she burst into the room.

The Deputy Director skillfully snatched the phone just before it could collide with her face.

"Please, I'm begging you, just give me my phone," you pleaded.

"Wow, look at you standing up! That's fantastic," Maria exclaimed.

"Thank you, Maria. May I have my phone as a reward?" You eagerly asked.

She gazed beyond you towards Natasha, who defiantly shook her head.

"Sorry, y/n," she was just about to throw your phone back to Nat when it suddenly started ringing.

Maria's smile widened as she held up your phone, Wanda's name lighting up on the screen.

"GIMMEE!" You shouted as Maria tossed it over your head to Nat. 

Natasha was quick to answer the phone and switched over to the speakerphone.

"Hey, Wands," she said, resting her head in her hand while leaning on the counter.

Nat?" Wanda asked nervously. "Why are you answering y/n's phone? Is she okay?

"She's fine. Helen advised her to take a break from screens for a while due to lingering concussion symptoms,” Natasha explained.

"Y/N is still having concussion symptoms?! We FaceTimed for an hour last night, and she didn’t mention a thing,” Wanda groaned. “You tell her that we will have a long discussion about following Helen’s orders after I drop the boys off at soccer practice.”

"Don't worry, she'll get the message," Natasha replied confidently.

Thanks, Nat," Wanda replied. "I should be there in about 20 minutes.”

Natasha ended the call with a quick "Okay, bye," and swiftly stashed her phone in the back pocket of her black tactical pants. With a sly smile, she turned to face you. "You could certainly try to come and take it," she taunted, "but just a word of warning: I've dispatched Hydra agents in less time than it'd take me to push you over."

You grumbled and trudged back to the sofa, the widow following closely behind.

That's more like it," Natasha said, affectionately patting the top of your head. "How about a delicious peanut butter sandwich?

"Sure, with chocolate milk?" You inquired with a sheepish grin.

"Oh my God, what are you, eight?" Nat exasperated.

"Says the superhero offering me a peanut butter sandwich,” you countered.

Maria snickered as she plopped down next to you on the couch. “She’s got you there, babe.”

"Fine," Natasha muttered as she turned on her heels and made her way back into the kitchen.

As Maria smiled, she remarked, "So, you and Wanda," causing you to turn red at mentioning her name. "That’s wonderful," she said, patting you on the shoulder. Then she smirked and called out, "Hey, watch this. Nat! Y/N wants marshmallow fluff on her peanut butter sandwich."

"Hell no! Do I look like I work at the Candy Bar?" Natasha hollered from the kitchen.

You both dissolved into laughter on the couch.

*^~^*

You were enjoying our lunch with Natasha and Maria in the kitchen when suddenly, FRIDAY interrupted.

"Ms. Y/L/N, Ms. Maximoff is on her way up."

Taking another sip of your chocolate milk, you say, “Thank you, FRIDAY.”

“Get ready," Natasha whispered to Maria, "this is going to be amazing.”

The elevator doors slid open, and all eyes turned to the common area. "Alright, where is she?"

"In here!" you called out, standing up and taking physical inventory just before Wanda entered the kitchen.

"Put the phone down and turn off the TV now, because—" Wanda suddenly halted when she saw you standing there.

"Wow, you're... you're standing," she said, her shock apparent in her voice.

"Just two more weeks with the walking boot and the sling, and then I'll be back on my feet," you said with a hint of a smile playing at the corners of your lips.

Wanda stood still, her eyes filled with emotion, before she suddenly broke into a broad smile and dashed towards you. "This is amazing, y/n. I am thrilled for you," she exclaimed, enfolding you in a warm and heartfelt embrace.

You let out a small grunt as she unintentionally squeezed your left side.

“I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed, stepping back abruptly. "Are you okay?”

"I'm doing okay. I'm just feeling tender on this side, but I'll be alright," you reassured.

Wanda's fingertips traced a delicate path along your side, her gaze locking with yours before drifting down to your lips. You felt the tender intention behind her gentle kiss as she leaned closer.

Maria's voice shattered the intimate moment: "Well, that was anticlimactic.

Wanda exclaimed, 'Nat, Maria, when did you get here?'

"Oh my God," Natasha exclaimed, clearly exasperated. She swiftly reached into her back pocket, grasped your phone, and handed it to Wanda with a look of disbelief. With an amused expression, Maria subtly raised her eyebrows and flashed you a knowing smile as she strolled after Nat out of the room.

*^~^*

You lay propped up on Wanda's bed. You didn't change any of the decor, but the simple addition of your favorite books and fluffy blanket made her room feel more like home to you. Truthfully, you relished the opportunity to learn more about Wanda as you took in the intricacies of her favorite things meticulously placed with care around the space. Wanda traced shapes on your arm as she rested her head in your lap.

"That painting is stunning," you remarked, gazing at the breathtaking landscape above her armoire.

It's the Valley of Sokovia," Wanda said, tilting her head to meet your gaze. "My grandmother Katerina was an extraordinary painter. Before the war tore our country apart, she captured the beauty of Sokovia in her paintings. She used to tell me that each stroke of her brush was a whisper of her soul, a tale of vibrant hues and unwavering optimism.

"Every day I've spent here, I've admired it. It's gorgeous," you exclaimed.

"It was on my grandparents' wall forever. It felt like it spoke directly to my soul in a language I knew at birth. I wanted so much to paint like my grandma when I was a little girl, but Pietro and I had to grow up quickly, and suddenly, learning to paint didn't seem so important anymore," Wanda said, fidgeting with her hands. "After they passed, my mother hung the painting in mine and Pietro's bedroom to remind us that our home was beautiful. Not just a war-torn country forgotten by the rest of the world."

Your expression softened as you heard her story. “I'm sorry you had to grow up under those circumstances.”

Wanda released a heavy sigh, her thoughts drifting back to the past. "Despite the chaos, there were moments of pure joy and happiness that I hold dear. Playing with Pietro, the scent of our mother's homemade Paprikash. The evenings spent watching classic American sitcoms with our father to brush up on our English."

You listened to Wanda reminisce so vividly that you could almost see the memories dancing in the reflection of her eyes. 

“They were simple yet beautiful moments that instilled a sense of gratitude in me. They remind me of all the blessings I have in my life—my health, newfound family, and adorable boys. She hesitated for a moment before adding, "And you."

You looked down at Wanda, who was staring up at you and couldn't help but smile.

"I agree. The little things make all the difference," you whispered, gently running your fingers through her hair. "I've been thinking... we haven't had our first proper date yet, and I would love to take you out this weekend," you said, looking down at Wanda nestled in your lap. "If you're up for it, of course," you quickly added shyly.

"You're so cute," Wanda said, reaching up and caressing your cheek. "That is something I would very much like to do."

Your stomach erupted with a jumble of butterflies. "Alright, don't worry, I've got this covered. How about Saturday? Does Saturday work for you?" you asked excitedly, unable to contain your happiness.

“Great," Wanda said with a smile. "With Billy and Tommy having a sleepover at a friend's place, I'm all yours. What do you have in mind?”

“Hmm, I think you'll have to wait and see," you smirked. "I want it to be a surprise.

*^~^*

"Help me!" you yelled as you barged into Yelena's room.

I would advise you to exercise caution before shouting that particular phrase in this building," Yelena responded calmly. Without looking up, the blonde focused on polishing her widow bites. "You might find yourself facing an assortment of weapons aimed at you, candy maker.

“Yelena, I could use your advice," she said.

“Is that so?” Putting down her widow bite and raising an eyebrow at you. “Well, it just so happens that I am excellent with the advice.”

Kate burst into the room, bow in hand and arrow drawn, Carol by her side, her hands glowing with a mysterious blue light. "What happened?!" she exclaimed, eyes scanning the room for any sign of danger.

You tried to duck a potential shot, but you still didn’t have your balance and proceeded to fall back on your butt. 

Yelena smirked, saying, "See what I mean?"

Jesus!" Your heart was racing. "Don't worry, everything is fine. I just needed Yelena's advice on something.

Kate let out a sigh of disappointment as she lowered her bow.

“We’ll just go then,” Carol declared.

“Wait, you can stay too," you said eagerly. "I could use all the help I can get.

Kate circled back to Yelena's bed, and Carol kindly assisted you in getting up onto the couch with her.

“Wanda and I have our first official date this weekend, and I was wondering," you began.

Wow, that is so exciting!" Kate exclaimed, unable to contain her excitement. "Where exactly are you planning to take her? It must be somewhere absolutely incredible, don't you think? After all, it has to be impressive to leave an impression on someone like the Scarlet Witch. That's a pretty high bar to meet. Are you feeling anxious about it? What do you have in mind for the occasion?”

You blinked a couple of times, trying to process everything Kate had just said. It hit you like a ton of bricks.

I can't believe I agreed to this. What was I thinking? I have no idea what I'm doing. She deserves someone better than me. I should tell her I need to cancel," you mumbled as the blonde widow stood up and slowly approached where you were. "What excuse should I use? Maybe I could say... Ouch!”

Yelena had playfully delivered a gentle slap across your face.

"Why did you do that?!" You touch your cheek in shock.

You seemed to be in a downward spiral. It's fair to say that it all started because of Kate Bishop," she said, shooting an accusatory look at the young archer. "Believe me when I tell you this, Y/N. Wanda's life perspective has significantly transformed in the past year. Her top priority now is her boys, and everything else comes second. So, by bringing you into her world, she must care about you. Trust your instincts because she'll appreciate anything you plan as long as you're together.

Wanda is a sentimental person," Carol remarked. "She would appreciate a thoughtfully planned date that holds special meaning.

"Sentimental and meaningful," you contemplated as the gears slowly churn in your mind.

Thanks a bunch, guys. This was helpful,” you exclaimed as you slowly got up from the sofa. “I'll catch you later.”

*^~^*

Nat's voice rang out as she threw punch after punch, "You're supposed to be resting!"

You shouted from the side of the ring, 'I was! I need your advice!'

The widow skillfully evaded her opponent's incoming punch, swiftly pivoted, and seized his arm, exerting just enough force to bring him to his knees. With efficient precision, she deftly pinned him to the mat.

"Take a breather, Bennett," she said, tousling the trainee agent's hair as she got up and walked over to you. "What's on your mind?" Stepping out of the ring, she wiped her face with a towel.

“Wanda and I are going on our first proper date this weekend, and I was hoping you could give me some insight into what she would appreciate.” You asked.

Ah," she said, taking a refreshing sip from her water bottle. "Wanda values thoughtfulness. It might sound a bit vague, but it's the truth. Just demonstrate that you're tuned in to her.”

*^~^*

The vintage Racing Green Aston Martin pulled up to Wanda's house right at 7:00 pm. Initially, you had planned to drive over to pick her up personally, but Helen and Bruce were adamant that you should prioritize your recovery and avoid any unnecessary strain. And so, you ended up seated in the luxurious back of Stark's 1959 Racing Green Aston Martin, feeling the supple leather and breathing in the scent of the fine craftsmanship.

"Pepper, I can't thank you enough for volunteering to be our designated driver tonight," you exclaimed gratefully.

"Not a problem at all! We're thrilled to be able to contribute to your special evening," Pepper responded.

"Not to mention, your destination is just a stone's throw away from one of our absolute favorite restaurants," Tony said from the front seat.

You reached for the solitary red rose beside you and inhaled deeply.

"You can do it, Willy Wonka!" Tony cheered.

You stepped out of the car with a dismissive roll of your eyes in response to his pet name for you. As you made your way up the intricately adorned concrete pathway to her front door, a flutter of nervousness danced in your stomach. Upon reaching the porch, you stole a quick glance back at Tony and Pepper, who smiled and flashed a thumbs-up in your direction.

You stood on the doorstep, taking one last deep breath to calm your nerves. As you pressed the doorbell, the sound echoed through the quiet hallway, signaling your arrival. A few moments passed, and then you heard the distinct sound of footsteps approaching from the other side of the door. You swiftly adjusted your suede coat, ensuring every fold and seam was in place, and ran a hand through your hair to present yourself as confidently as possible. Just then, the door swung open, and Wanda stood, her warm smile putting you at ease.

"Hi," she whispered, her cheeks rosy as she looked at you.

"Wow, you look stunning," you exclaimed, admiring her presence.

Her red hair was styled in an updo bun, with a few loose strands falling down the sides of her face. She completed the look with a white peasant blouse, light-wash jeans, and brown boots.

"I appreciate it. I was uncertain about this because you kept the destination a secret. All you said was that it's a casual date night..." her voice trailed off as she donned a stylish rust-colored corduroy jacket.

You handed her the rose, saying, “It's perfect.”

"Thank you, Y/N, this is lovely," Wanda exclaimed.

"I wanted to buy you a big bouquet, but I didn't want you to carry it around or take a break to put it in water," you rambled.

She echoed your words, saying, 'It's perfect!'

As you both stepped off the porch, you extended your hand to her.

She glanced down at you and let out a giggle. "Looks like I should be lending you a hand, sweetheart. You're down to just two working limbs."

"I believe in chivalry," you declared with a charming smile directed at the lovely redhead.

You strolled over to the car and graciously held the door open for Wanda. As she smoothly slid into the seat, you followed closely behind.

"Hey Wanda, it's great to see you," Pepper greeted warmly.

"It’s great to see you too. Thank you so much for driving us tonight," Wanda replied.

Alright, everyone, let's get moving," Tony declared. "I want to remind you all to keep your hands, legs, feet, and arms safely inside the car at all times.”

*^~^*

The car rolled to a stop at the intersection of Washington Street and Chester Avenue.

"Alright. Have a blast, you two," Tony smirked.

Pepper chimed in, "We'll pick you up later.”

"Thanks once more for the ride," you said. Have a wonderful time at dinner!

As the car drove off, you took Wanda's hand in yours. She met your gaze with a smile.

"Wanda couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. "So, are you finally going to tell me where we're going?" she asked, her eyes sparkling with anticipation.

As you strolled down the sidewalk, hand in hand, you sang, "You'll see," before you halted in front of a charming shop.

As Wanda gazed up at the storefront, it shimmered with twinkling fairy lights, and she couldn't help but be drawn to the sign that read:

Pinot's Palette

"What's this, Y/N?" inquired the redhead.

"You said you always wanted to learn to paint like your grandmother. I thought you might like to start tonight," you explained. "I signed us up for a 45-minute Paint and Sip class. They give you step-by-step instructions on painting a beautiful picture, and there's wine and appetizers. I thought it could be fun," you trailed off shyly.

Wanda was at a loss for words, "I don't know what to say, I- this is so thoughtful, Y/N. Truly," she stammered.

"Shall we?" you asked, opening the door for her.

As soon as you walked in, a friendly, tall brunette with stylish glasses greeted you with a warm smile. "Hello and welcome to Pinot's Palette! I'm Sarah, and I'll be your instructor tonight. Your class will begin in about 20 minutes, but in the meantime, feel free to grab a glass of wine and enjoy some delicious appetizers."

Wanda exclaimed, "This place is adorable!"

"Absolutely," you responded, taking in the cozy and inviting atmosphere. The walls were adorned with various paintings from previous classes, each telling its unique story.

Wanda carefully poured a generous amount of Pinot Noir into each glass, its rich aroma filling the room. You swirled the glass, watching the deep red liquid dance, before finally bringing it to your lips for a sip.

"Mmm, this is delicious," you exclaimed.

Definitely on the dryer side. This wine has a medium body with bright acidity," Wanda remarked, carefully allowing the wine to breathe before taking another delightful sip. "I can sense the silky tannins, and subtle hints of raspberries, cherries, and vanilla. It's a beautiful medley of flavors.

You were left in awe. "Wow, that was incredibly sexy. How did you become such a wine expert?"

"You don't know everything about me yet," Wanda teased with a smirk before strolling over to the food spread.

You trailed behind her like an adoring puppy, captivated by her every move.

*^~^*

“Hey there, fellow art enthusiasts!” Sarah greeted. “Get ready for an awesome Saturday Night Sip and Paint class. We're diving into the serene beauty of a full-moon lake scene tonight. Let's unleash our creativity and make some magic happen!”

As Sarah guided the class, Wanda and you attentively observed her every move. You were relieved that my non-dominant arm was the one in the sling, allowing me to participate in the painting session.

Beginning with mixing the perfect tints for your art pieces, you struggled to get it just right. Your colors were uneven and messy, while Wanda effortlessly achieved solid and smooth results.

Feeling frustrated, you mutter, "This shouldn't be this difficult. I mix chocolate for a living; I should be able to mix paint." As you glance up, you catch Wanda giggling at your struggles.

"Are you getting a kick out of this?" You inquired.

“Just a little bit,” Wanda smirked.

You find it impossible to resist the chance to bring a smile to her face. You reach into the white paint on your palette and whimsically touch Wanda's nose, leaving a small white dot. She gazes at you with a blend of astonishment and delight.

"Y/N, stop it. You're going to get us in trouble," she whispered.

"Okay, but seriously, you look adorable," you muttered.

*^~^*

“Wow, your backgrounds are amazing!" Sarah exclaimed as she walked by and admired what you and Wanda had painted. "Oh, Wanda, I love how you added a touch of Prussian blue in the corners. It gives the painting so much depth!”

The radiant redhead glowed with pride as you flashed her a grin. The two of you had such a good time that you wished it would never end.

That looks gorgeous," you remarked. "And it happens to be my favorite color.

“Is it?” The redhead inquired.

"I've always been captivated by the depth of a bold blue," as you gently rinse your brush in the clear water glass.

“Any particular reason?” Wanda asked.

You sighed and shrugged your shoulders. “It’s tranquil and calm. Two things that I’ve tried to bring more of into my life over the years.”

The redhead took a thoughtful sip of her wine, nodding in understanding. "I completely get where you're coming from," she said. "After a chaotic year, I promised myself only to have people and things around me that bring a sense of calm and peace.

You nodded in understanding as Sarah grabbed the attention of the class again.

“Alright, everyone. We will add the moon to our paintings. It’s straightforward: Everyone picks up a spare paper plate,” holding one up. “Then, trace around the edge like this to make a circle.”

You watched as Wanda traced her moon. Her tongue adorably poking out of the side of her mouth in concentration. 

“There we go!” She said to herself.

She looked over at you, still sitting with your paper plate in your one good hand, looking down at your sling. 

“Oh, I’m sorry y/n. Here, let me help you.” Wanda said, as she reached for your plate.

“It’s okay, Wanda. I got it,” you replied.

You put down the plate, picked up your small brush, and dipped it in the off-white paint. In one fluid motion, you painted a perfect circle. 

Wanda was shocked. “Wow, that was smooth. How did you do that?”

“When you work in a sweet shop and you make a living scooping ice cream or frosting cupcakes all day, it bodes well if you can make a perfect circle,” you giggled. 

“Hmm, I see,” lips pursed to stop herself from smiling. “I wonder what other hidden talents you’re keeping from me.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Wiggling your eyebrows and taking a sip of your wine.

After you added the silhouette of the pine trees to your paintings and the reflections and ripples in the water, you were on to the final touch of adding stars and a comet to the sky. 

You dipped your fan brush in the white paint and flicked it toward the canvas to create a random star pattern. Picking up your liner brush, you added a comet to your sky. Everyone signed and dated their paintings. You added a small heart in the corner of your canvas to serve as a reminder of your first date with Wanda. You looked over at the redhead to see that she was adding a second comet into her sky. 

“Two comets? Now that is a miracle,” you said.

“One for Billy and one for Tommy,” Wanda explained. “They’re my miracles.”

“They certainly are,” kissing her cheek as she finished her painting. “I hope I get to meet them someday.”

“I think you will,” smiling at you. 

After class, everyone had a photo taken with their finished painting. You both held them up proudly as Sarah used Wanda’s phone to take the picture. 

“Thank you so much, Sarah. We had a wonderful time,” you said, hugging the young woman.

“Yes, I’m going to tell all my friends about this place. It was wonderful,” Wanda added.

“It was my pleasure. You two come back anytime,” Sarah said.

*^~^*

As you left the shop and stepped into the cold night air, you quickly sent a text to Pepper to let her know that you were finished. She responded promptly, telling you that they had just paid the bill and would be there shortly.

"Tony and Pepper will be here in a few minutes. Shall we sit?" you asked, gesturing to a green metal bench a few yards away.

"Sure. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that you still need to take it easy just because we’re out and about tonight,” Wanda said, leading you to the bench.

You sat down next to her and took in her profile, feeling a surge of affection. You had always felt that Wanda was different, not just because she was one of Earth’s mightiest heroes, but because she was sweet and genuine. You couldn’t wait to see where your journey together would take you. Wanda looked over at you, sensing that you were staring.

"Are you okay?" Wanda asked.

"Yes, I'm just so happy to be here with you,” you said softly.

"Me too,” loose strands of her red hair blowing in the soft night wind.

Slowly, you leaned in and kissed her, feeling her warmth and love. Your stomach exploded with joy at Wanda's touch. Suddenly, the sound of a car horn broke you from your reverie as Tony pulled up beside you and rolled down the window.

"Excuse me, hi. I'm looking for a witch and a candy maker for a live-action Hansel and Gretel," Tony joked.

"You're an idiot," Wanda deadpanned, sliding into the backseat next to you.

"No funny business in the backseat, you two," Tony warned as he pulled away from the curb.

“How was the painting class?” Pepper asked.

“It was wonderful,” Wanda said, holding up her painting.

"You painted that? Wanda, that is gorgeous!" Pepper exclaimed.

"She's a natural," you said, stroking her hand with your thumb.

"You flatter me,” Wanda blushed.

“It’s true,” you insisted. “Your grandmother would be proud.”

Wanda blushed at your compliment as you leaned over and kissed her cheek.

*^~^*

Tony slowed to a stop in front of the redhead’s house. You stepped out of the car and walked the her to the front door, clutching her painting and the single red rose you gifted her. She unlocked the door and set the painting and rose down just inside the entryway.

"I had an amazing time tonight, y/n. It was so special, I couldn't ask for anything more," Wanda said, smiling at you.

"Me too, it was wonderful. I asked everyone for advice because I wanted our first date to be perfect. Then I remembered the story you told me about your grandmother’s painting, and I knew-" You were cut off by Wanda's lips on yours. The kiss was filled with passion, a million loving thoughts condensed into a moment.

As you pulled apart, her hand trailed down your cheek and she smiled, biting down on her lower lip. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, y/n."

"Okay. Goodnight, Wanda," you said, watching her walk inside and close the door behind her.

You turned around to see Tony and Pepper ducking down in their seats, pretending they weren't watching you from the car. "Subtle," you said, sliding into the backseat and shutting the car door.

“We didn’t say anything,” Tony said, holding his hands up in defense.

Once you arrived back at the compound, you immediately got into your pajamas and removed your walking boot. You were exhausted from the excitement of the night, but it was worth it. As you snuggled into your covers, your phone dinged. You opened the notification to see the picture Sarah took of you and Wanda holding up your paintings. Wanda had texted you: "I had a great time tonight. Every moment with you is a work of art."

You blushed profusely as you read her text before sending back your reply: "I have a beautiful muse. 

Placing your phone on back on your nightstand, you laid back down. Adjusting your sling, you placed your good hand behind your head and stared up at the darkness of the ceiling, lost for words. You couldn't believe that Wanda Maximoff had left you speechless. It was the first of many times she would do so.

[footy-fictionist]

Forever - Karim Adeyemi

Pairing: Karim Adeyemi x female reader

Warnings: it mentions troublesome mental health, physical knee injury (acl), questionable parenting, angst, fluff, probably some badly translated German

Word Count: 1024

Note: I have been going through some things and decided to write it out in the form of something fictional. Karim just happens to be the one I feel most comfortable writing for. Remember, this is purely fiction and know that I in no way know what Karim is like in real life. If you are not comfortable reading things about troublesome mental health, physical knee injuries and troubles with parents and the way they raised you, please do not read! Feedback is always appreciated, so if I forgot anything please let me know. Please do not copy and/or publish my work (reblogs are fine).

Karim has been noticing some changes in his girlfriend lately. It all started when she twisted her knee during a volleyball game. She immediately dropped her whole body to the floor crying out in pain. At first they couldn’t see what the issue was, but eventually the orthopaedist confirmed that she would need surgery to replace her front ACL. She was gutted and broke down crying right after the appointment. She loved playing volleyball and now she’d be out for about a year. Karim knew everything about bad injuries and how awful they could make you feel, not just physically but also mentally. 

He’s been there for her every step and she seemed to be doing alright up until the 4 month mark after her surgery. She became more closed off, gave short answers and barely even greeted him when he came home. She didn’t really eat much and her sleep schedule seemed to be non-existent. Of course Karim wanted to talk to her about it, but he didn’t know where to start or how to even break the subject to her. He decided to first start cheering her up with little things. Bringing home her favourite flowers or her favorite sweets. Running baths for her after her physical therapy. Getting her a new book every once in a while. At the beginning it seemed to lift her mood a little, but slowly even that little light started to fade. 

She wouldn’t talk to him or anyone else about it. Communicating was never her strong suit. She was never allowed to share her opinion at her parents’ house and she wasn’t allowed to talk back or argue. It made sure that she didn’t communicate at all. When she left her parents’ house she started communicating more and then when she started dating Karim, it all became a bit easier for her. Karim knew that communication was key and he communicated everything with her and praised her whenever she communicated with him. He never once got angry, no matter the news. And yet, she was shutting him out now. He didn’t know why, but he could guess. But when he came home from the game against Chelsea and she didn’t say a word to him about it, he had enough. 

“Please tell me what’s going on with you! I can’t stand that you’re not talking to me. I’m here, I’ve never judged you or anything that happened before. What makes you think that I’m gonna judge anything that’s gonna come out? I just played an amazing game, scoring the only goal and you have nothing to say to me?”

She just stared back at him, almost looking unbothered but Karim knew better. He could see her mind working, her eyes showing so many emotions that even he couldn’t keep up. 

“Please, please talk to me. I’m here, always. Please don’t shut me out, Schatz.”

And slowly he could see her mask begin to break. Her hands started shaking, her lip gave a small tremble as her eyes began to water. She pressed her lips together and hid her hands behind her back, but it was no use as the tears started falling. A sob broke through and immediately Karim pulled her into him. Her arms wrapped around him too, her hands fisting his shirt so hard he thought it might rip. She hid her face in his chest, the tears flowing so fast, that they became small rivers on her cheeks. He started rubbing his hands over her back and softly running his fingers through her hair. Soft whispers of love escaped his lips whenever he wasn’t pressing kisses to her hairline. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Karim. I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t want to bother you and bring down your happy mood. You’ve been doing so well the past few months. I couldn’t ruin that with my own unhappy thoughts. I started to believe it would be better to keep my distance. But now I can’t anymore. I’m sorry I’m hurting you, I didn’t mean to. Of course I watched the game tonight and saw what you did. You were incredible Karim, ich bin so stolz auf dich.”

The words came flooding out, the dam finally breaking. Karim slowly guided her to the couch and once there he pulled her into his lap, still rubbing her back whilst she now hid her face against his neck. Everything came out, her worries about playing volleyball, the pain she was in, how hard her physical therapy sessions were, how she wanted to support him everywhere but she couldn’t even go to the stadium on her own. After everything came out that she was holding back, she finally started to calm down. Her body, which had been stiff with stress and holding back, started to relax against his. 

That’s when Karim responded to everything she said, reassuring her that she was getting the best care and that she would definitely be able to play again. Telling her how much he loved her and that he appreciated all her support no matter the time or place. She could be on the other side of the world whilst watching the game and he’d know that she was supporting him. The tears stopped and she pulled back and looked him in the eyes. She leant her forehead on his, whilst taking deep breaths, their breathing in sync as well as their heartbeats. 

“Danke für alles, Karim. I wouldn’t know what to do without you. Thank you for your patience with me and for getting me to communicate. Ich liebe dich, für immer.”

“Kein Dank, mein Schatz. Ich liebe dich auch, für immer.”

He pulled his forehead away from her and slowly pressed a few kisses on every part of her face. In the meantime her hands wandered to the back of his head, tangling her hands in his curls, keeping him as close as possible. After all this, she couldn’t be more grateful for Karim. He is her everything, as much as she is his. They both knew they could get through anything together, as long as they communicated.

(Mein) Schatz: my darling/treasure Ich bin so stolz auf dich: I am so proud of you Danke für alles: thank you for everything Ich liebe dich (auch), für immer: I love you (too), forever Kein dank: don't thank me/you're welcome

[moccahobi]

May and June Reads

I know it isn’t the end of June but I am posting this anyways! It’s been a rough month and I am working on resetting and orienting so Imma imagine that posting this marks a new start for my reading log periods.  Last month, I read seven pieces and this month I managed to read ten! Which makes me quite happy! So many of my reads were stuff that I got consumed in and couldn’t step away from! There are truly so many amazing creations and I am so glad that I am exploring and reading them!

Two months ago when I last posted my reads, I talked about starting a schedule for fanfic reading... I’ve not. BUT! I did put fics that I already know I am interested in reading on my document and filled in everything other than my comments on it. This really helped me keep looking to reads. I plan to continue to putting fics I know I want to prioritize onto my bimonthly log when I find them because that helped so much!  I think it also helped me to mix up shorter pieces and longer pieces. I had two pieces that I read that were almost 50k (wow! In so much awe of the authors) and it really helped to have some smaller pieces that I could intersperse as well! It’s been so nice to mix my book reading with my fic reading and work fic reading in as little breaks from all that I am doing! 

If you all have any fics you rec me reading, please send them to me! I’d love to add to my TRL!

BTS MxR

Tongue Tied (Jungkook x Reader) ( @jeonqkooks )

“Jeez, you’re acting like I asked to peg you or something.”

Warnings: brief mentions of sex and drinking

18+

1.5k

Fluff, F2L, Neighbors AU

As an enjoyer of the tension right before a relationship starts, this fic gives such a good depiction of if! The tone is light hearted and the narration is funny. It's a great fic to brighten your day and rest with. So adorable! 

Sit. Stay (Seokjin x Reader) ( @daechwitatamic )

Your new puppy, Zinnia, has turned your world on its head. She’s ruined everything from your sleep schedule to your favorite shoes, and you know it’s your own failure to train her properly. When your cute upstairs neighbor tells you about a local obedience academy, he slowly starts to make himself a place in your schedule, your life, and your heart. After your last relationship went up in flames, will his affections be something else you can count as a failure?

Warnings: language, casual drinking, parental medical problems, mentions of surgery/doctors/hospitals (major operations lightly mentioned; no d

NSFW

14k

S2L, Neighbors AU, Fluff, Smut, Angst 

This had me hooked and hanging on at the edge of my seat as I read! Joe does such a beautiful job at weaving humor with serious topics of healing and medical emergencies and it is really just so wonderful. She does a wonderful job at creating complex and gray stories that help readers sympathize with both characters. If you want a fun and goofy story that also tackles serious topics, this is a great one for you.

The Perfect Gift (Jimin x Reader) ( @moonleeai )

A cute story about two friends that decide to "fake date" for the Christmas Holiday while visiting family, but with each household they fall for each other.

Warnings: None

SFW

6,346

Fluff, Fake Dating, F2L Christmas AU

This story follows our characters as they try to get their parents off of their backs. It is such a cute and classic fake dating AU and if you are a connoisseur of fake dating tropes you NEED to read this fic! It’s funny and cute and all the domestic moments kept my heart full! I highly recommend you read it!

Crazy For You (Taehyung x Reader) ( @oddinary4bts )

You’ve known Kim Taehyung your whole life. When you meet again at a party hosted by your best friend, alcohol looses your lips and you spill your secrets to your childhood crush. Will Taehyung give in to your desire, or will you be struck by remorse?

Warnings: alcohol consumption, lying/hiding the truth, unclear relationship, feelings of  cheating, cursing, mention of a grandparent passing away, sex (see fic for full list of sex warnings)

NSFW

46.8k

Angst, Smut, Fluff, Idol AU, angst, smut, fluff, Best friends older brother, Fake dating

If you enjoy monster oneshots, this is the fic for you! I am in awe of how long and detailed this fic is and you can truly lose yourself in it! There is so much that’s explored and so many angsty moments present! Lovers of idol aus will love this too. The detail and ways everything is woven together is just astounding and truly so amazing. READ IT!

Fearless (Hoseok x Reader) ( @hobisuniverse )

On your way home from a party, you tell your best friend to pull over so you can dance with him in a storm in your best dress, fearless.

Warnings: None

SFW

718

Fluff, Confessions, Friends to lovers

FLUFFY CONFESSION LOVERS! COME HITHER! Ahhhh! This fic is so short and sweet and so glorious! If you enjoy fluffy confessions, weather matching emotions (kinda), and feeling fuzzy all over, this is the perfect quick read!

BTS MxOC

To The Beach (Jungkook x OC) ( @mydogssqueakytoy )

Jungkook’s daughter misses her mom and needs a way to pass the time before she comes home.

Warnings: None

SFW

712

Fluff, Dad Jungkook AU

Father BTS fics are just so adorable! And this fic is such a perfect example of this! The author does such an amazing job at showing the ways Jungkook may express his love for his family: comforting his kid and looking his partner into it all! If you enjoy father BTS fics, I highly rec reading this piece! It’s soft and cute and just leaves one feeling so soft!

Honorable Mention

@magicshopaholic​‘s amazing universe (BTS x OCs)

This series consists of fics set in the same universe, of the members of BTS and their long-term OCs. While these are part of a larger story, most fics can be read standalone as well.

18+

Generally, I try to only post finished pieces BUT Cath’s amazing works have been things I’ve been slowly reading throughout the past four months! I immediately got hooked on Hoseok and Chaeyoung’s storyline. Because OMG CHILDHOOD NEIGHBOR’S TO POSSIBLY LOVERS? It is gold! I inhaled it! THERE IS ANOTHER PART THOUGH THAT I’VE NOT READ AND AM SO EXCITED TO! And recently I’ve started reading Yoongi and Miso’s storyline which is also SO INTERESTING! I am a slow reader and have been interspersing my reading of her universe through all my other pieces and because everything is one universe and each series is being updated kinda at the same time (which is so impressive! Cath weaves so many stories together and I am so in awe). It didn’t feel right not to mention it. 

If you’ve never read an MxOC piece before or don’t really read them, I highly recommend Cath be your introduction to it! I know that on tumblr there is a strong pretense for MxR rather than MxOC (I only read one other OC piece in the six months I’ve been doing this and that is also in this post).  The range in MxR is BROAD. We have some who have no physical characteristics, some who do and are labeled, some who do and aren’t labeled, and all of them have personality traits that are close to how the reader is or isn’t. Each reader is a character. They are just vague in some places. OCs are just other characters. They also exist on the same range and are just as rich in depth! I highly recommend you read some if you enjoy reading books and fanfic!

BTS MxM

Honeycomb For a Heart (yoonminjoonseok) ( @hungline )

Yoongi never actually expected to build his own hive.

Warnings: mentioned misgendering and transphobia 

SFW

1.4k

In this fic, Yoongi is a king bee and I absolutely love how his hybrid identity is tied into his trans identity! The story introduces the readers to yoongi and his struggles in such a quick but heartfelt an empathetic way and we get introduced to Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jimin in such a fun and open way! Although the story is only 1.5 k and we only get their meeting, there is so much personality and hope packed into the story. If you're wanting on uplifting quick read, this is a great one.

( ✓ read 10:18 p.m. ) (Yoongi x Jungkook; Hoseok x Jimin) (AO3)

By the time Suga got back to him with the name of the sample, Jungkook was sitting in class. He’d never been an in-class text-er. He listened well. He followed rules. He gave professors the attention they deserved. But if Min Suga texted him, Jungkook always found himself texting back, attention 100% on his phone. Maybe it was because messaging the stranger felt as informative as half of his classes. Suga gave good advice. He’d caught himself thinking over the weekend that maybe he actually did owe Jimin some coffee.

Warnings: No archive warnings, mentions of sex, insecurity

18+

47k

College AU, Young Professionals AU, Angst, Fluff

AHHHHHHHHHH! This fic is an adorable story. As readers, we get to see Jungkook try to grow and learn to accept his growing feelings for Min Suga, an unknown man he slowly gets to know. Only thing: he is emotionally constipated and Yoongi feels so much that he struggles… Oh and also Suga kinda likes Jimin… or does he? Owo. It’s such a good series! The chapters are short and addictive and left me unable to put the fic down! It’s angsty and focuses on the growth of everyone and it’s such a wonderful read. It’s such a good series and I highly recommend you read it!

Got7 MxR

Filipendulous (adj.) - hanging by a thread (Jinyoung x Reader) ( @flurrys-creativity )

Summary: After a fight with Y/n, Jinyoung spirals with jealousy. One call changes it all.

Warnings: mentions of an argument, mentions of jealousy, mentions of drinking alcohol (not really responsible), mentions of an accident, mentions of results from said accident, short hospital setting, one kiss…

SFW

1,967 words

Angst, No AU

Do you like angst? Open endings? Many struggles and layers to a fic? This is the fic for you! I read this and gasped with each new development! Flurry does wonderful at getting us hooked and keeping us hooked! It's such a wonderful read!

Got7 MxM

Brewed Love (Mark x Jackson) ( @limjaeseven )

Summary: Jackson is comfortable working at the cafe Jaebeom owns. He expects to earn a living there, he doesn’t expect falling in love.

Warnings: None

SFW

Fluff, Coffee Shop AU

1,518 words

Coffee shop aus are so cute! And this fic is no different! It’s such a vibe and it had my heart fluttering all while reading. Cris is an amazing writer and his care for word play is present in the many coffee references that are present in this fic. Its short and sweet and just the perfect thing to energize your day!

[hope-of-virgo]

goals 2024

so it's around about the time of year where i make resolutions, and fortunately my schedule will start clearing up around may. perfect time to fill up my schedule again.

compete in a pole competition didn't get to do this last year due to getting surgery about 6 weeks prior to the performance date, and was like "hmm better not push my luck on the recovery". turns out that was a great decision, i was out of action for about 3 months after a complication. i've got my song picked out and a basic idea of where i'm going with the choreo, and that's a decent amount of the work out of the way. there's also a distinct possibility that my aerial dance sport will impact negatively on my career if it ever comes to light, so i'm determined to actually accomplish something in that space before i'm forced to choose between my sport and my job. also, not to mention the elephant in the room, but i'm also approaching 35 years old and on a functional level your body does start to break down as you get older. i might not be able to do it forever, and i'd like to do something cool while i still can.

change jobs didn't just do a social work qualification to not use it. child protection is hiring anyone with a qualification and a heartbeat, to the point that they're hiring people on working holiday visas to fill the skills gap. my current workplace is getting even more toxic than usual (@gotouhitori and @tamaaya68000 have been trying to convince me for l i t e r a l l y years to change jobs, ever since that one awesome time i came home from work and tried to do the big yeet. turned into 3 weeks off work due to mental health instability, and nearly 3 years later i'm still fucking there, somehow. work's in the process of hiring a "change management consultant" not just for the hospital redevelopment but also for the electronic medical record, and "change management" and "layoffs" typically go hand in hand.

take a course in data analytics my area of professional interest is, amongst other things, how harm minimisation practices and other proactive measures save the social services system money in the long run. i already have qualifications in accounting and statistics, and i'm not likely to want to stay in client-facing positions forever. typically lobbying government etc tends to be more effective when you can present actual dollar amounts as to what inaction is costing them, and in these Troubling Economic Times, they're looking to save money wherever possible. my clinical coding quals also come in handy here; they added a 5th character to some f-block codes to track presence of methamphetamine, for fuck's sake, you'd be stupid to not do something with that data. the intersection of social issues and healthcare has been interesting to me for years, and there's definitely room to affect change in that space.

change my ~*aesthetic*~ i've basically been living in my work uniforms for the last 5 years, and i'm trying to create a better work-life balance, which starts by changing clothes. a recent discovery is that an aesthetic i really enjoy in my personal life is "cool art teacher", even if my work attire still trends as "slutty librarian", which isn't something i'm looking to change. i've also never had the chance to do anything with my hair, and it's going to look a bit like a midlife crisis, but it's part of the Process.

hit platinum in a competitive game league is the low-hanging fruit on this one, but i'm not sure whether there's a high enough population on the oceanic server to get decent competitive matchmaking integrity above mid-gold. i'd do magic arena, but there's no ranked competitive for the only format i'm interested in (historic brawl), and i'm not looking to sink like $300 into keeping up with standard.

finish some knitting projects i cast on a crop top this time last year and it's still not fucking done. i'm kinda gun-shy on the entire hobby due to suffering a bit of a trauma last year, and i tend to put down whatever i was doing at the time the trauma happened. case in point: when me eating was so intrinsically linked to someone specific and then they broke up with me, i ate barely anything for nearly 18 months.

start collecting movies, music, and tv shows on physical media i'm generally against piracy when there are other options available; i'm kinda cracking the shits with a lot of digital services at the moment due to every studio and distributor under the sun having their fucking hands out. hell no i'm not paying an additional fee to paramount plus simply to watch star trek discovery, fuck that. sure it's irritating to have to change cds, and there's still a place for streaming music in my life, but artists already see a small enough slice of the pie and smaller bands like cry club and teenage joans really rely on shit like merch and record sales to get by.

this will likely have stuff added to it as i remember, but i've spent long enough dicking around writing this rather than getting ready for my house inspection next week, so

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

Gender Reassignment Surgery Finally Scheduled!

It has been almost 17 months since the last time that I visited the OHSU clinic in Portland Oregon to see if I was a candidate for GRS.

There have been many times that my hope had fallen through. Days when I wondered if something outside of my control had ruined my plans to finally feel ‘complete’.

To compound the mental pain during the process, my experience with OHSU has been somewhat ‘complicated’. I am used to medical departments keeping their patients up to date...however, this is just a fantasy that I strongly urge others to avoid.

First off, let me say that my encounter with Dr. Dy, at OHSU was a pleasant experience. Unlike other physicians who only see the physical treatment and outcome, I was greatly appreciative that Dr. Dy also took into consideration my emotions and feelings regarding this sensitive topic that I would rarely speak in public.

It was because of my trust in her, her medical background, and willingness to understand ‘my own’ situation that I committed my care at OHSU. As for the urology department, my experience wasn’t all too great. Hopefully this will change in the following appointments.

One topic that I wish to cover in this blog post is:

Do not be afraid to reach out!

I have reached out three times to OHSU regarding my surgery status, and each time, I have received a different response.

I left OHSU in January 2022 knowing that the surgery would most possibly not occur that calendar year, thanks to COVID. Dr. Dy mentioned in clinic that due to the virus, their patients were backed up. She gave a timeline of ten months upwards to a year.

Yet, as time went on, I never heard a word regarding the status of my surgery. I would check the Portal monthly to see if any messages were sent, but as always, there was nothing to report.

By August of 2022, I finally reached out to the clinic and asked for an update. I was given the timeframe of January 2023 to May 2023 to hear a response for surgery scheduling (but not the offical surgery date).

Yet, by May 1st of 2023, I had yet to hear from them.

So, I sent another message after talking to my PCP and therapist regarding my communication with OHSU. I had expected a prompt reply within 3 days as the Portal promises, yet something ‘anxiety-producing’ had happened that I wish to discuss:

The Portal allows you to see if your messages have been opened, and by May 2nd, my message had been marked as ‘Seen’. Yet, day after day, I recieved no reply from the department of urology.

By May 3rd, I expected to finally have my reply so that I could make plans for the future: like lodging, psychology papers for surgery, saving money, arranging caregivers, and preparing my family to live without me at home

Yet once again, no reply came.

May 4th & 5th, I began to wonder if the clinic was trying to receive an answer to my question...so I gave them the benefit of the doubt.

May 6th & 7th was the weekend, so I did not expect any reply from OHSU. But I was almost certain that a decent person would at least say something by Monday, May 8th.

During the weekend, I wondered what was the reason as to why no one wrote a reply. I came up with many thoughts at night that made me worry and despair. Thoughts like: ‘Are they angry with me?’ | ‘Am I no longer a patient?’ | ‘Did I send the message to the wrong person?’ | ‘Is this something to do with my insurance?’ | ‘Maybe this is a sign that I should not be having surgery!’

By May 8th, my reply had never come.

I began to think that maybe this was a universal sign that I should not be having this surgery after all. And I began wondering if I should wait for an eternity, or look elsewhere for surgery and begin the whole process all over again.

That night, I thought of sending a reminder message to the department: ‘Maybe they forgot?’ Yet, if they cannot answer a simple question regarding scheduling and paperwork...then is it a really good idea to entrust my future care with their department? Especially if I have an urgent question in post-op!

‘Well, the last message did say ‘at the end of Spring’, and Spring officially is over on June 21st. Maybe I should just be patient?”

May 9th -- like before, I waited for a reply -- but no reply came.

Today, my mother brought up my ‘lack’ of swimming and I told her that the last time I went to swim at the YMCA, I had a terrible experience that has kept me away from the pool for almost one year.

Without GRS, my life has been in a painful standstill.

I cannot use any public restroom or locker room because of my strict morals. Everyone is different, but my morals prevent me from using a women’s restroom if I still have a penis. This is because I would never want to encounter a man in a women’s restroom...even if that individual is a transwoman who hasn’t undergone GRS.

I can no longer use a male’s restroom or locker room...because I now ‘appear’ too much as a female. Not to mention that this would create a terrible experience of abuse and even possible sexual harassment.

Even without GRS, I cannot face going to the ER for emergencies due to a bad experience in 2019 when I had to reveal that I was transgender. Even my time in the ocean had suffered because of fear of getting wet and things revealing too much...it is a painful existence!

With a long drive to Bainbridge Island, I had plenty of time to think of my next move. I sent a second message to OHSU...but instead of placing blame...I apologized and asked once more.

I honestly did not expect anything to come out of it.

Around 3:10PST I finally recieved a reply from OHSU. In communications with Mr. Skelton who asked if I would like to have surgery on July 12th 2023 with Dr. Dy being my attending physician.

I was thrilled!

I quickly checked my calandar to see that surgery will be a week after my vacation. Perfect timing!

So, with one step closer to finalizing my new life as a female...I can only dream of returning back to the pool to swim! Play in the ocean and clam dig! Not be afraid to use the restroom when I really need it. No fear in violating my morals bathing amongst other women in onsen and locker rooms.

I can finally focus on my health instead of jeopardizing it. Even possibly enter a relationship without having a panic attack.

For most of my life, I felt neither male or female...but both at the same time. I can only wonder how my future will change after this surgery...for the best and for the worse.

Only time will tell; though the path will be long.

[deadmomjokes]

Hope you're doing well with all the hectic life stuff you mentioned! How is everyone doing, and how was the conference?

Thank you so much for checking in! It means a whole lot to me (especially because we ended up getting forgotten by quite a few folks irl who had said they'd come by to help with stuff 🙃)

It's going better now that the conference is over. Not to say that the conference was bad. It was actually really great. I got excellent guidance on writing an official query letter, I did very well on my presentation and panels, I had fun, I learned stuff, and- biggest news of all- I did 3 pitch sessions for a manuscript and all three were enthusiastic about it and asked for partials!

The not so great news that comes from that is that I'm kind of in the middle of rewriting the thing, so now I'm racing the clock, hoping that I can finish the rewrite before someone comes back requesting the full. And lemme tell ya, it needed the rewrite. So it's not like I can hand them the old version if I want any chance of actually landing a contract. So stress is still ongoing, but it's good stress in a way, I guess?

But! My husband feels great and is basically just waiting for doctor's permission to resume normal activities. He was up and walking the day after surgery, and the pain it was meant to remedy is totally gone. So it was a massive success! He's still barred from lifting, bending, and twisting at least through the end of March, as far as we know; he goes back on Monday for the doc to do a follow up, and we'll get more info about it then.

Our daughter has decided to spontaneously potty train herself after watching a younger friend who is just learning to use the potty, which is a total shocker to us. Welcome, but absolutely out of left field. One of the things she's been in therapy for is her panic and terror about the potty, and she just... decided. It's so weird. Great weird, but weird. (I'll take it tho.)

But, unfortunately, the saga of trying to figure out her stomach issues hasn't been going great. We had her appointment and they wanted an endoscopy, right? Told us that the scheduling department would be in touch within 2 weeks. After two weeks had gone by, I called them, played switchboard transfer tag, and eventually found out that the doctor had never put the order in. The people we were talking to who found that out for us helped get it put on the doctor's priority list so it would officially go to scheduling, and then said they'd try to get us bumped up the waitlist since we should have been scheduled already based on initial appointment date. Only nope, turns out they couldn't do that because of how the system works, gotta wait another two weeks. Meanwhile, mind you, she's not allowed to take the medicine that actually helps control the symptoms, so she's a hungry, tired, cranky, pained mess. So two weeks later, I call them back because- big surprise- no word yet. They said they see the order, but scheduling just hasn't gotten around to it yet. They flag it for immediate attention. Two days later, I get the call to schedule it, and due to the fact that she had a cold recently, they wouldn't get her in any sooner than a full month after the last symptoms. Now you know a cough can linger for ages after you stop being contagious, particularly in a high-pollution, cold, low-humidity environment, which is where we live. But policy is policy.

So all that comes out to the fact that unless she gets sick again, her endoscopy is the week of St. Patrick's Day, and after that she can go back on the meds that helped best while they compile the results. At that point, assuming it confirms what we all think it is, we get referred to the nutritionist and start the arduous task of elimination-diet-ing a child who exclusively lives on bagels and cream cheese. She's not gonna be happy. Nobody's gonna be happy. But it'll be what it is, and it'll help her in the long run.

All in all, life is still crazy, and I'm totally losing my mind some days, but it's not quite as crazy and mind-lose-y as it was. Which is progress!

[takeeachdayonebookatatime]

Why did you elbow me? 234

Nicholas (Nick) Stephen McSwarek undercover part 44

The car accident part 19

Jennifer: pov hope you feel better soon Kate. My name is Jennifer and I'm a businesswoman. Me and my husband Danny were trying for a 3rd baby, i was a few days late so I went out and bought a test which was positive. Everything was going good until my recent ultrasound where I found out the baby has some heart issues and may need surgery after birth. Kate, you said you have heart issues. If you don't mind me asking what type of heart issues do you have?

Linda: pov wait I still can't get over the fact that Kate said she technically died.

Kate: pov I have ventricular tachycardia in the left ventricle.

Jennifer: pov were you born with it or did you get it later in life.

Kate: pov I would start from the beginning of the story but it's very long. Jennifer said she would like to hear the story. I explain how my mother was murdered and how my Captain died and everything surrounding it.

Jennifer: pov Wow, that must have been hard learning all that info, but what does this have to do with your heart condition. Kate says I'm getting to that part now, she mentions she was shot in the left chest at her captain's funeral by a sniper.

Castle: pov in that moment as she was laying there dying in the grass at a funeral i told her i loved her.

Danny: pov you did what now. I can’t believe she was shot, Kate did the bullet cause any permanent damage.

Castle: pov i told her i loved her as she was dying. Kate flat line in the ambulance on the way to Wells Cornell trauma center they had to use the paddles on her. Our friend Lanie who is a medical examiner with the 12th precinct had to do CPR the whole way to the trauma room. The bullet nicked her left inferior pulmonary vein causing Tension pneumothorax on her left side, which is a collapsed lung requiring a chest tube to be inserted. They did emergency thoracotomy surgery on her, to gain access to the area. The trauma Caused her pericardium to distend it was full of blood compressing her heart.The Bullet also grazed her left ventricle causing Kate to bleed into her heart causing a cardiac tampon. The cardiac surgeon had to cut some of her pericardial sac to let some of the blood out, the trauma resulted in vfib causing her to go into cardiac arrest during surgery on her heart. They had to use the internal paddles and manual heart massages.

Danny: pov oh wow thoracotomy surgery what type of surgery is that.

Dr Claudia: pov it's an incision on your side from your back to your chest alongside your ribs to gain access to your chest cavity, it’s essentially a form of emergency heart surgery.

Danny: pov that sounds like a long and painful recovery, how long did it take for you to recover Kate. She says 3 months total, 1 month in the CICU and 2 months at my dad's cabin on top of my physical therapy schedule. Wow she also had to learn how to walk again since she had been off her feet for so long.

Jennifer: pov wow I have a question for Mr Castle. How hard was it waiting for Kate in the waiting room while she was in surgery. If this baby needs surgery me and Danny will have to wait in the waiting room and it sounds scary, all of it especially the surgery.

Castle: pov that day was so awful, we started out at a funeral and ended up in a waiting room waiting to find out if Kate survived her emergency surgery we had little info except for what Lanie and the medics could see of her injury and it didn't look good, gsw to the left chest a collapsed lung and she was tachycardic. When she died in that ambulance it was awful. Her boyfriend at the time Josh who is a cardiac surgeon started her surgery because she was dying and he was on shift at the time but he had to be replaced by a Dr Kovaks because he was dating Kate. In the waiting room Josh was angry at me saying it was my fault because I wanted to look into her mother murder and then he shoved me thankfully Jim Beckett her father broke it up and Josh left to tend to some patients of his. When Dr Kovaks came out and told us she experienced cardiac arrest during surgery we were so scared for her, but glad she made it out of surgery which he explained to us and what her recovery might be like.

Danny: pov Castle mentions to me that if my baby has surgery it would probably be planned out unlike Kate's which was an emergency. That is reassuring to hear. Turns out Kate also has PTSD with everything she went through, it makes sense for her to have it. I don't mean to be pushy and all but how big do you think our baby's scar will be.

Kate: pov it depends on the person and what type of surgery they are having. My scar is different because it's on my side and not my chest like others. Jennifer and Danny ask if they can see my scar. I lower my shirt a little to show them my bullet scar near my boob which is almost a perfect circle. I’m wearing a special medical type button up shirt Castle ordered. It came with some cute pants. He carefully lifts up my shirt being careful of my monitors to show them the scar on my side which is huge. As a cop I have had a bunch of near death/scary situations but being shot was the worst. A suspect blew up my apartment, I got locked in a freezer. Was locked in a basement with a tiger, almost drowned in the Hudson river, hung off a roof and almost fell to my death, stood on a bomb, framed for murder, almost killed by a drug dealer. Got fired from the FBI, I've been held hostage or at gunpoint one too many times. To be continued. ………..

[sol-arium126]

One of These Days

————————————————————————

It’s a rare occasion that their shifts don’t match up. Wolf had taken on an extra shift to cover for Dr. Wells, she unfortunately fell ill from the petri dish for all sorts of viruses she calls her home. Guess that’s life with two kids in elementary school and a college professor for a husband. 

He’d gotten a call earlier that morning from Dr. Wells asking if he could cover her shift, as she had a new patient who was coming in to see her today and no one else was able to cover. 

Of course he agreed, Dr. Wells, or Annie, as he’d been told to call her now, has been nothing but kind to him since they first met when she started on the Neurology/Psych floor. 

Despite the no-brainer agreement to cover for Annie, Wolf had previously decided his plans for his day off would include spending time with none other than a certain handsome doctor he is currently dating. 

They’ve been going out for a couple of months, but it feels like they’ve been doing this forever. Like an ever-shining light has been cast over his life, happiness, making its presence known at every turn. 

However, the last couple of days have been odd. 

Very odd. 

Josh called out of work sick yesterday and has been seemingly ignoring him. He’s not answering his door or any calls. Which is very strange behavior coming from the guy who would make up random cases to talk about as an excuse to see him. 

Nevertheless, though his plans of figuring out what was wrong with Josh, or if he did something wrong to upset him, were thrown out the window, he’s sure Josh probably just needs some alone time. And that time he will get. 

—————————————————————-

Coming up on his lunch break, Wolf had managed to make his rounds on a few of his own patients and see some of Dr. Wells’. The new patient she had mentioned earlier was quiet and seemed rather shy. She had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, thankfully benign, but she was nervous about the possibility of surgery and her treatment options. Her fiancé accompanied her and provided comfort when needed. 

Wolf had no problem providing the care and information she needed to take the next steps, he got her scheduled with a follow up to see if any of the medications she’ll try shrunk the tumor. If not, he knew a great neurosurgeon who would be able to do the job.

Speaking of that neurosurgeon, Wolf had not heard from the man all day. 

He may not be good with electronics, but at least he’s been trying since Nichols got him a phone. It doesn’t really have a lot on it, just a few contacts and his emails set up. 

Maybe he’s just not texting or calling right? 

He’s thinking about calling again when he hears a knock at his door and it opens. A young nurse, probably new to the floor based on how nervous she is entering his office. 

“Um, hi I’m Samantha, I’m a new nurse here on the floor.” The nurse says, nervously wiping her hands on her scrubs top. 

“Oh, hello, nice to meet you, is there something wrong? You seem rather nervous.” Wolf replies. 

“Well, there’s a guy asking for you down in the ER, he was brought in by an older lady and her grandson. They said they were his neighbors. It looks like he’s been having a migraine attack. For a couple days at most, I think it’s called status migrainosus. That’s what the other nurses were talking about. They brought him in because they were worried that he was having a stroke, he was having trouble talking and vomiting a lot. We put him on a migraine cocktail and he seems to be doing a bit better now. When he stopped vomiting he asked for me to get Dr. Wolf.” Samantha says.

“Did he give you a name?” Wolf asks.

“Oh yeah, he said his name was Josh. And the neighbors confirmed his full name, Josh Nichols. Wait, isn’t that one of the neurosurgeons here? I’m sorry, I don’t know everyone yet, but I’m pretty sure he works here.” Samantha replies, coming to the realization that Josh was in fact, the hospital’s chief of neurosurgery. 

“Can you take me to him?” 

Wolf hurriedly grabs his coat and follows Samantha down to the ER. Their supposed argument be damned, he can’t let Josh go through this alone. 

The ER is filled with doctors and nurses alike, the careful shuffling of patients and medications like a merry-go-round. 

In the far left corner of the rooms lies Josh, clad in a baggy shirt, sweatpants, sunglasses, and a vomit basin in front of him. In the chairs next to him are an older woman and what looks like a teenager, presumably the grandson, Wolf notes. 

Josh looks almost frail in this state, his cheeks and eyes are sunken in, and he’s pale and clammy. He has an IV in his left arm and is clutching the basin with his right, like it’s a lifeline for him. 

When Josh notices him standing in the doorway he shies away. He’s probably embarrassed of the state he’s in, no wonder he wouldn’t talk to anyone.

Wolf walks into the room and sits down on the chair to Josh’s right. 

Josh immediately grabs Wolf’s hand and squeezes it.

“Oliver?” Josh finally makes eye contact with Wolf. 

“Yes, I’m here now, do you need anything?” Wolf replies, holding Josh’s hand with both of his, placing a light kiss on top of his knuckles. 

“No, just you. I’m sorry for not telling you and not answering your calls. I didn’t want you to see me like this, and it rarely happens, I thought I could just take care of it on my own. Obviously, I could not.” Josh tears up a little at the statement. 

“No, no it’s ok. I’m glad you’re okay. I was worried and frustrated thinking I had done something to make you upset with me and that’s why you were ignoring me. I’m just glad you’re here and you’re going to be okay.” It’s an honest statement, yes he was glad Josh was okay, however, he was also reserving a little bit of frustration from their communication struggles.

“You’re right, I shouldn’t have ignored you, I couldn’t even look at my phone and I should have taken it as a sign something wasn’t right. And I should have told you before that I got migraines sometimes, usually I can just handle it with my meds and it doesn’t happen often, but I’ve just been so stressed lately, It must have triggered a big one.” Josh sighs, he knows he messed up, he could have prevented this whole mess if he’d pushed down his pride and just asked for help.

Wolf, for once, was rendered speechless. He didn’t know how to respond, he’d been caught up in a cloud of happiness and bliss that he forgot about real life problems he might face in his relationship. He knows they’ll get through it, they both have their struggles, but he’s willing to work on them, and that’s enough. For now, he just holds Josh’s hand and doesn’t let go.

“So this is the mysterious man you’ve been bringing over? The boyfriend, I presume?” The older lady on Josh’s other side pipes up, she has a big smile on her face, like she just uncovered a big dark secret. 

“Oliver, this is Sandy. Sandy, meet Oliver. Yes, he’s my boyfriend.” Josh says, quick introductions, as he battles another wave of throbbing in his skull.

“It’s nice to meet you Sandy, and is this your grandson?” Wolf greets, then looks towards the boy, not older than sixteen he’d guess. 

“Hi, I’m Liam, I drove here.” He sticks out a hand for Wolf to shake. 

Wolf removes one hand currently holding Josh’s and shakes the young boy’s hand. Then goes back to holding a comforting presence for Josh. 

“We’ve been Josh’s neighbors for years, ever since Liam was a little boy. He was supposed to come over for lunch today but he didn’t show, that’s when we knew something was wrong. He always shows up for lunch. We share keys for each other’s apartment incase of emergencies, such as this. I found him in his bathroom vomiting, shaking, and he wasn’t talking right, I remembered he was saying he had a headache a couple days ago so I dragged him here to get checked out. Thankfully, it was just a really bad migraine, he had me worried for a minute there.” Sandy’s near tears recounting today’s events, it’s clear she cares for Josh a great amount, almost like a mother to a son.

“Hey Grammy, how about we give them some alone time, they probably need it, do you want to go have some lunch in the cafeteria?” Liam asks, clearly trying to give Wolf and Josh time to talk. 

“That’s not a bad idea, we’ll be back soon.” Sandy takes Liam by the arm and they leave the room. 

“Josh, how are you feeling?” Wolf tentatively asks, he looks awful, but he’s hoping that Josh feels better than he looks.

“Oh, like I’m being hit in the head with a hammer, repeatedly. But in all honesty, with you here, being there for me, I’m okay.” Josh smiles at Wolf, as best he can in this state. 

“The doctors told me they’re going to keep you here for a couple hours, to monitor and make sure you’re okay to go home. Do you want to try and get a nap in before then?” Wolf brings his chair closer. 

“Yeah, I should, I’m exhausted, would you lie here with me?” Josh yawns and scoots to the side of the bed, making room for Wolf.

“Of course.” Wolf gets on the bed with Josh, throwing an arm over Josh’s torso, holding his hand, and placing the vomit basin on the floor next to the bed. 

“Oliver?” Josh asks, sleepily, barely having his eyes open.

“Yes?” Comes Wolf’s reply. 

“I love you.” 

Oh, that’s the first time either of them had said those words. In the months since they started dating Wolf imagined how their first “I love you” would go. This certainly wasn’t how he’d imagined it, but he wouldn’t ask for it any other way. Sure, he’d hoped he’d say it first, considering he made the first move. But it was sweet, charming even, that it came from Josh. 

It felt like his heart was soaring, higher than the clouds and stars in the sky. 

He loved Josh, of course he did. What he didn’t expect was that he thinks this is it for him. He wants to spend the rest of his life, right here, maybe not exactly here, but he wants to spend his life at Josh’s side. Comforting him in hard times, uplifting when he’s happy, do everything with him. Even though pain is inevitable in life, so is joy, and his joy is with Josh. 

Wolf sighs, content, pressing a kiss to Josh’s temple, careful not to jostle his sunglasses. 

“I love you too.” Wolf says, not that Josh hears it though, because a light snore emits from him. Wolf is glad he’s finally sleeping, his brow calm and not scrunched up in pain.

Even if Josh didn’t hear him, it’s okay, Wolf has all the time there is in the world to let Josh know how much he loves him. To tell him every day, every night, the three words that let him know that he is his world.

[tummy-pain]

As someone going through a similar situation, I’d like to share my experience.

I am a 19 y/o transgender man who has been on HRT for a year and a half. I have absolutely no use for my uterus, I’ve always planned on adopting children if I ever decide I want them.

Otherwise? My uterus only causes me pain, stress and dysphoria. I’m horrified of getting pregnant and avoid having a sex life because of it (even with other forms of birth control), and horrendous periods actually run in my family.

And by that I mean that some of my relatives have had to be run to the emergency room because they were loosing a deadly amount of blood from their period. And that my mother, my sister, my sibling and pretty much every other afab family member I have has had such awful period cramps it made them throw up and pass out every time they got their period. So bad, that my mother decided to start me on birth control at 13 years old just so that I didn’t have to go through the same thing.

I know that a hysterectomy sounds intense when I could just get my tubes tied or removed, but I decided long ago that I did not want to deal with any of these issues and the only way to guarantee I wouldn’t have to is to get that sucker removed.

Do you think these issues I have with my uterus are enough to get a doctor to seriously consider me for a hysto? Because I sure didn’t. I requested for a referral to be sent to a trans health center and I didn’t expect to hear back from them. But they got back to me quicker than my request for top surgery did.

Now, the waiting list for a consultation was five months out, and after that is another eight months for surgery, but I got a consultation scheduled just like that. Upon writing this post I had that consultation the other day, and the doctor was already willing to give me a hysto before I even finished my explanation why I wanted one.

It was.. so easy. I expected to have to fight tooth and nail to get this surgery, but all I have to do is wait eight months and drive five hours to get to the health facility. The reason it was so easy? I am transgender, and I live in Oregon. We have one transgender health facility in this state but it is at the largest hospital in the state and it is capable of helping every trans person with any procedure they need. The only downside is the waiting list.

Now, you know how I mentioned that everyone in my family gets those horrific periods? My sister does. My sister, a 25 y/o cis woman who has already had two children. She also took birth control to stop her periods until, of course, she was trying for kids. The first time she had a kid she had to have a C-section two months earlier than the due date, the second time she planned for a C-section from the start just to be safe.

After her second kid she had her tubes removed because she does not want any more. She is now incapable of having kids.

A couple months ago, she started getting these horrific periods again even with birth control. The doctor’s solution is to try several types of birth control and until she’s tried them all for a certain amount of time they won’t even consider her for a hysto. You know why? She’s too young. What if she wants kids. What if she regrets it.

My sister is having horrible reactions to all these birth controls. She has been bleeding for a month straight, she is physically ill and sometimes bedridden, she has worsened depression from it. She has been fighting tooth and nail to get a hysterectomy to stop all this, and the doctors wouldn’t even consider it! Because she ‘might regret it’!

She doesn’t have any fallopian tubes! She cannot have any more children!!

I simply wanted to share how, at least in Oregon, how difficult this process still is for cis women even though trans men/nb people can get the exact same procedure done without hardly a hitch. I consider myself extremely lucky with my ability to get this procedure, and it is absolutely irrational what they are doing to my sister.

.

This is maybe the funniest (worst) radfem post I've come across in a while. It was a comment about cis women getting hysterectomies.

Do y'all know how many feminists have been fighting to be allowed to get hysterectomies without a) birthing (often multiple) children or b) a husband's permission? Including many people who have extremely painful and/or dangerous uterus-related conditions, like PCOS or menorrhagia? So many doctors HATE giving hysterectomies specifically because "you really should have kids first".

Also, cis men don't need to "remove their ballsack" to avoid having kids. They get vasectomies. An incredibly simple, routine procedure.

People who are getting hysterectomies are often doing so for reasons not solely related to pregnancy - if it were just about fertility, getting your tubes tied would suffice if you were averse to other forms of birth control. My mum did that after my sister was born, and then went back in for a hysterectomy a few years later because her periods were agonising. My aunty also had a hysto several years back, because not only were her periods agonising, but they would cause flare ups in some of her other conditions.

I just... how are you calling yourself a feminist while advocating for LESS bodily autonomy for women? How can you act like women are being stupid or reckless in their choice to get a hysto and not see the indescribable misogyny you're utilising?

"It's never [cis] men who remove an organ just because they don't want it" yeah, I wonder if that's because they don't have an organ that causes agonising blood loss on a monthly basis? Like... nobody's out here getting kidneys removed for fun. It's a very specific organ only being removed for very specific, personal reasons.

It's my body, not yours. Hands the fuck off.

*This post is authored by a trans person. If you're agreeing with me about this topic while being against trans healthcare, consider that your whole ideology is built in opposition to bodily autonomy for people outside your ideals of gender. Sit with that information.*

[greenmansgrove]

Today I did something out of character for an atheist druid…

or at least the kind of atheist druid as which I’ve painted myself since beginning my studies.

I asked my grove’s current (elections are coming up) elected Archdruid if he would ordain me as an Acolyte of the Order of the Morrigan. Of all the gods with whom to align myself, why the great and terrible Morrigan? Well, “Go big, or go home,” I’ve always said, or “YOLO” as we used to say in my younger days. I’m mystified by this choice of mine, too. The Higher Orders of the RDNA interest me very little for a number of reasons, including for fear of being accused of theolatry as an atheist. I’ve mentioned elsewhere that while, yes, the RDNA reading materials state that the deities invoked can be interpreted as aspects of nature, theolatry just isn’t my style, even as much as I respect what theism means to people.

But of late it has also been difficult for me to deny the occurrences of synchronicity in my life the past several months as I anticipate reaching a threshold in my life. The names of the Morrigan and various spellings thereof (Morgan, Morgana, etc.) have cropped up or appeared before me at strange times. So, too, have I stumbled upon Elder and Nightshade plants in mine and my grove’s sacred places. Corvids have also seemed to attend me on my hikes, waiting ahead of me and taking flight to guide me down the path. They have happened in threes, as well, my third meeting of Elder and Nightshade occurring just yesterday afternoon. All this while recognizing I am moving into a new stage of my life, saying goodbye to some grief, making healthier choices, and committing myself to a happier life.

One of my small joys as a druid has been opening myself up to noticing the little signs of synchronicity and studying the symbolic meanings of plants, animals, and especially dreams, all as a way of noticing the beauty in the world as much as listening to my intuition. If I can relent a little of my staunch atheism to an act symbolic of my interests and my commitment to my own happiness, then why not have a little fun in honoring those symbols and the people connected to/through them in the style of the Morrigan? She is a goddess of sovereignty, battle, dream magic, and, yes, of death, which may be all the more important to me as someone who deals quite a lot with suicidal ideation. The act of ritual is integral to my studies and to druidism, so why not mark my newfound commitment to life with a little celebration and dramatic flair? The liturgy John the Verbose/my grove’s Archdruid wrote (linked above) speaks to my overcoming many trials and ones desire to fight through many more. I think sharing such a time with grovemates would be powerful, too, to know I’m not alone, even in such a trial as this ritual.

John has offered to perform the rite during/on the day of our grove’s casual meetup in October—the day of the partial solar eclipse and a new moon. When I messaged him to ask about this, he said, “That is a time of new beginnings when the moon aligns with the sun at a lunar time of looking inward […] an excellent way to mark an occasion of rebirth.” It also falls the day after my 2nd “Manniversary,” or two years since I began my medical transition. By then, I should have a date for or an idea of when I can schedule my top surgery, since my consultation is next week. :)

It seems an auspicious and celebratory time all around, if all goes well and the omens are good. I’ve got some preparation to do, including making and finding some materials for the ritual, so I’ll be busy for the next month, but I’m grateful for this kind of busyness. First comes the Autumnal Equinox, though, and so I must remember patience!

[ID: On the left an image of bittersweet nightshade with red drupes of berries and green oval leaves. On the right, an image of a young red elder bush with bright green serrated leaves and reddish stems. Both plants are nestled at the bases of oak trees and surrounded by brown fallen leaves and acorns.]

[writing-the-stars]

Hii I love ur writing and I was wondering if I could request yandere poly damon and stefan hcs?

Awe, thank you so much!

Masterlist | TVDU Masterlist

It's funny how history has a habit of repeating itself again, and again, and AGAIN

However, you were determined to put an end to the cycle of feuding the brothers tend to find themselves when it comes to their love interest

When you first moved into town, both brothers were immediately enthralled with you-- neither of them having plans on letting you go

After having lost both Katherine and Elena to his brother, Damon was determined to make you his by ANY means necessary

He watched you in the shadows as you settled into town, adjusting to your new life and setting a schedule for yourself. He memorized all the places you visited the most and made notes of the things that caught your eye

However, Stefan was just as eager to make you his, knowing you were the one for him

He compelled a man to put you in danger so that he could be your hero and sweep you off your feet

You immediately fell for the youngest Salvatore's boyish charms and allowed him to take you on a date, much to Damon's chagrin

Damon was not going to let you get away so easily. Using the intel he collected from you, he showed up to your date with Stefan and upstaged him by having so many "similar interests"

War broke out between the two brothers to an extent no one had ever seen. Both of them convinced you were meant to be with them and each equally determined to prove themselves right

However, in the war for your heart, your emotions ended up as collateral damage as you had fallen for both Salvatores and you did not have it within yourself to choose. Not to mention the battle was tearing the brothers apart and you couldn't stand to see either of your men hurt

It was agreed then that you would date both brothers which did not completely satisfy them, but they were more than willing to accept if it meant they got to have you

And you loved having both of them around to keep you safe, happy, and healthy

Once you officially became theirs, the brothers never left your side

They are constantly watching over you, making sure that you are okay

They even protect you from yourself, preventing you from doing anything they deem too dangerous-- which is basically everything

You haven't had to drive yourself anywhere since you started dating, nor grocery shop or any of the other boring chores you hate to do. They do it all for you

They worship the ground you walk on-- when they let you walk on the ground that is

You are a goddess in their eyes and you should be treated as such

They shower you in so much love and affection, eradicating any negative thoughts that may enter your brain

They are incredibly protective over you, not letting anyone from the gang meet you for the first three months

Whenever there is a threat in town, they lock you away in the boarding house to make sure you are safe

It infuriates you, but you know they do it out of the love they have for you

Plus, it's nice to have a week or two where you get to lounge around and do nothing

Overall, these boys love you with all of their heart and would do anything just to see you smile

A/N: I am so sorry for how long it has taken me to get this out here! My grandmother's eye surgery which we thought was healing well has actually been overhealing. So I am now back on post-op doctor visit duties until her eye heals properly, so I am back to limited writing time. This is not how I expected my summer to go, but you just have to roll with the punches. Anyway! I hope you enjoyed Anon! Thank you so much for reading.

[strxbrymochi]

until the end prologue (na jaemin)

pairing: jaemin x fem!reader genre: mostly angst but some fluff conversations ig warnings: death & illness, mcd, hospitals, medical treatment words: 2.8k

prologue | main story | epilogue

*for a better impact read the main story first before the prologue because it's more flashback vibes!

It was the summer when you found out about your diagnosis. At first, you didn’t want to admit it. Your life seemed to be going so well. You got in the university of your choice, your relationship with Jaemin was going smoothly and you couldn’t be happier. Your world seemed to crumble at the slight mention of the words: “I’m so sorry, there’s nothing we can do about it.”

The doctors had said with treatment, you would be lucky enough to live a little longer than a couple of months. If you were even luckier, surgery might be possible to take out that tumor in your head. You didn’t tell Jaemin about it, after all, you didn’t want to further have him worry and be a burden for him. You thought that if you kept it to yourself, doing the treatment in secret, it would slowly get better and he’d never have to know. Nothing would have to change.

But things became a lot more complicated. You were running out of excuses, running out of reasons to decline his advances for little dates in between his hectic schedule. Declining all the different foods he’d offer you, or try to find a way out of whatever he had planned. It hurt and confused him. He knew something was up, you had never denied him before, why were you suddenly acting so cold towards him?

One particular afternoon is what changed it all. He had gone to your apartment for the meantime, to hang out with you since it was his free day. You had asked him to leave a little earlier even if he had asked if he could stay the night. You had told him you had some of your classwork to finish and he couldn’t stay. It was around 3 in the afternoon when you had asked him to leave. 

As he left your door, he stayed around the ground floor of the apartment building, waiting. A few minutes later, as he had suspected, you went down, all dressed up. He followed you, secretly. If he had a choice, he wouldn’t have done that. He respected your privacy and he didn’t want to be seen as that “overprotective” boyfriend, but he had no choice. He knew you were hiding something from him and he wanted to find out what it was.

When Jaemin finally realized you were heading towards the hospital, he was confused. Did you have a family relative who was sick? Why didn’t you tell him? He would have brought you to the hospital to visit them instead of you having to walk around in this hot weather, alone. 

What Jaemin didn’t expect though, was to see you signing in your name, and leaving to enter one of the rooms. He asked the front desk lady why you were in the hospital and if you were visiting someone.

“I’m sorry sir, I can’t release that type of information.” She had said.

“But I’m her boyfriend.” He had answered, desperation taking over his features.

The lady had sighed before telling him why you were there and those words he would never forget: “She’s admitted here for treatment. She has a brain tumor.”

Jaemin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. You were sick, and you didn’t tell him. He could’ve been there to take care of you, to help you get through this, but you chose to keep it away from him. He felt betrayed. But most of all, he felt guilty, guilty that he wasn’t able to be the one thing he should have been, your boyfriend.

“H-how long?” He asked.

“She’s been coming in for a couple of months now.” She had answered, checking on her computer. “Now, excuse me sir, I have other things to attend to.”

Jaemin was in shock. Couple of months? How had he not connected the dots? As every second passed, he couldn’t help feeling worse than he already did. Quickly getting out his phone, he resorts to searching up about this brain tumor. He knew the very general vague stuff, a mass that had grown in the brain that could affect the functions of your brain and in the worst cases, result in death. Those last three words felt like a stab in the heart. You were going to get well right? You were getting through this? You had to.

He couldn’t help himself anymore and walked into the room you had entered earlier. A very much shocked you looking back at him. You looked almost embarrassed. “Jaem, I-”

“Don’t.” He said, looking up at you, tears threatening to fall. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was scared. I thought if I didn’t tell you it would go away and no one would have to know.” You had started.

“So? Is it getting better?” He asked you.

No words were needed for him to figure out the answer, your head down in shame. You weren’t getting better. The doctor had said at most you had a couple of months left before your head pains and strokes would become worse than they already were. They wanted to keep you admitted til then to monitor any instances when it might be too unbearable, to hopefully keep you alive for another day.

To your surprise the next thing you knew was that you were in Jaemin’s arms, his chin resting on the top of your head. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. Promise me you won’t hide anything from me anymore and you’ll stay strong? For me?”

“I promise.” 

Ever since that afternoon, Jaemin has tried his best to never leave your side. He would visit you every day after his practice and if his schedule wouldn’t permit, he’d call you and send you messages on a daily basis. Things like “Have you taken your medicine yet?” or “Make sure you drink water and eat the food they give you okay? What do you want for dinner? I’ll pick it up after practice.” It was these small things that made you still feel loved even when it felt like the world was giving up on you.

Jaemin made sure you knew how much he loved you even until your last breath. Little conversations exchanged between you two right before you go to bed when he would be lucky enough to get his manager to let him stay the night.

“I’m going to make a foundation with your name. Y/n Foundation.” He had said one night. You were in your hospital bed, him sitting in the chair next to your bed, arms resting on your side. 

“Don’t be silly, what even would the foundation be for?”

“I’ll donate money to help patients who have brain tumors too, I want to help you leave a legacy when… you know…” Silence. You both decided it would be best not to talk about it even if you both knew it was going to come someday.

“Anyways! It’ll be a great thing! I’m sure many people would benefit from it.”

Well, that’s true but I don’t think my name deserves to be in such a great initiative.” You had answered, earning a scoff from Jaemin in reply. “Excuse me? This initiative will change lives and you changed mine, I think your name definitely, emphasis on definitely, deserves to be on the Foundation.” You let out a small laugh. 

“Stop you’re making me shy.” You said, looking away.

“Isn’t that my job?” He said, smirking.

In response, you playfully hit him on the shoulder, getting a sarcastic reaction from him. The two of you end up playing a little more, nothing too extreme that might trigger anything from you. And before you go to bed, you remember Jaemin giving you a kiss on the forehead, whispering, “You know I love you right?”

You nod, starting to get comfortable with Jaemin beside you. “Good, and know that I’ll love you until the end. Goodnight princess.”

You didn’t feel like Jaemin loved you just because of his continuous proclamations. Your time in the hospital was made bearable and as much as you hate to admit it, you were still extremely happy. Ironic wasn’t it? Knowing you were about to die and leave everything behind but you still felt the happiest. Jaemin wanted to make the last few moments with you the best you’ve ever had and because you couldn’t really leave the hospital and your bed, he always tried to bring it to you.

Once you had your own version of a fanmeeting, having all 22 of the other NCT members visiting you and spending only “a maximum of 10 minutes” with you, according to Jaemin’s rules. Each member would tell you stories about something they’ve encountered and each of them would always bring you something that could help bring the outside world a little closer to your hospital room. They say hospitals are dull, and being confined was boring, that was probably the opposite for you. 

But your time was not just all smiles and butterflies. You had your moments with Jaemin too, conversations that tried to be avoided but couldn’t, words that just needed to be said.

“Jaem, I’m sorry.” You had told him while he was fixing up the take out you guys just had on the side table.

He looked at you, confused. “Sorry for? Being too beautiful?”

“No, I’m serious.” You said, trying to control your face from smiling from his compliment and pickup line. 

He sat beside your bed, looking up at you, waiting for you to keep going.

“I’m sorry for getting sick. For not being there to support you in your shows, for not being the best girlfriend I could be because now you’re stuck taking care of me when you could be having fun. I’m sorry for-”

“Stop. Saying Sorry.” He had said, eyes closed. 

You looked down at your hands in front of you, trying your best to not let your tears fall. “If anyone had to be sorry, it’s me.” You snap up and look at him. “Jaem, no-”

“No y/n. I’m sorry for being someone you couldn’t even tell what you were going through. I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. I’m sorry for my hectic schedule and for leaving you alone when all my promotions clash with each other. I’m sorry for not being the boyfriend you deserve.” You were silent, tears starting to drop. “Promise me one thing yah? Make the most of these last few moments okay? If you want to do anything, if you want to see something, if you want something just tell me. Okay?” 

You nodded and Jaemin wraps you into another hug, a hug filled both with love and care but at the same time, sadness, as if he doesn’t want to let you go. “I love you princess, and I will love you until the end. Remember that.”

At last, the day everyone had been dreading had arrived. The doctors had predicted you had around 48 hours left. You had the worst stroke of them all the night before, many were surprised you made it past it conscious and without being comatose. As a last request, the doctors had allowed you to spend your last day however you wanted. They had told Jaemin the day before and he made sure he had it all planned out. He wanted to make this day the day you would remember and be the happiest. The day you deserved.

That day, it was a beautiful day outside. Sun shining, birds chirping, the cool wind brushing through. He had brought you to some place far from the city, it was quiet, peaceful. He had insisted on bringing your wheelchair so you wouldn’t have to get tired but you on the other hand insisted on your own to let you walk. You wanted your last day to feel normal, to feel as if you weren’t sick and you had nothing to worry about. After spending the day walking around and eating all the food you had requested, his last plan had yet to be discovered. He had brought you to a flower field. Similar to a rice field but filled on ends with hundreds of flowers, all of different kinds and colors. It was beautiful. 

As you both walked across the field, you pointed across flowers, telling him which ones you found the prettiest. You make your way farther towards the field, almost as if you were approaching the sunset. You touch the flowers on your right, filled with roses, tulips and peonies. “These are beautiful. I think these are my favorite flowers out of all the ones here. What’s your favorite?” You had asked him.

“None.” He responded back. 

You look at him disappointed. “Come on, there are hundreds of flowers here, how could you say none?” You say, looking back down at the rose you were touching. 

“I changed my mind. I like the one I’m looking at right now the most.” You look up to look at where he was looking only to find him looking right at you. 

“You might be leaving me tonight but you look just as beautiful as the first time I saw you in that intersection all those years ago. Did you have fun today?” He asked you.

“Yes, I did. It was the best day of my life. Thank you Jaemin.” You smile at him.

You make your way back to the hospital once night falls and they start preparing for the procedure. Before anything, you had asked for privacy, to spend one last moment with Jaemin on your side. 

As soon as the door had closed, silence had filled the room. None of you wanted to speak even though you both knew it would be the last. He sits on the chair beside your bed, like he always did. The next thing you knew, he had tears in his eyes. Jaemin had never cried in front of you. He promised himself he was going to be strong, he was going to be strong for both of you. But now that he knew it was the end, how could he stay strong, knowing that tomorrow, the love of his life won’t be with him anymore?

“Jaem, do you remember how you asked me a few weeks ago if I had a dying wish?” You asked him, weakly.

He nods. “You said you had none.”

“Well, I changed my mind, I have one now. Will you fulfill it for me?” You asked him.

“Anything.”

“I wish that you’ll be even more successful than you are today, that you will continue to work hard and give your fans the best version and most genuine version of yourself. I want you to know that I’m so proud of you and I have never been so grateful to have been your girlfriend, to have been able to make you smile and to be by your side when you needed someone.” You smile at him before continuing.

“What I wish is that you move on, that you find another girl to fill the void in your heart that had once been mine. To find someone that will make you smile the brightest, someone who will understand your crazy sense of taste, someone to tolerate your antics and tell you to stop but will also join you in your weird and great adventures. Someone who will be understanding and someone who will be there for you even more than I was. Someone who will make you happy, if not happier, than I had. Can you promise me that?”

“What if you’re the only one I want? I said I was going to love you, until the end right?” He had said, tears falling.

“And you can, deep down. But I don’t want you to make me the reason you choose to let go of what other things the world has in store for you. There is one girl there, waiting. One girl who will be the luckiest and feel like she probably saved the world in her past life to deserve you. When I leave, can you promise me to make that girl feel just as lucky, if not luckier and happier, than you made me?”

Jaemin shook his head, not wanting to admit that he was really losing you. Tears were now streaming down both your faces. “Baby, please. I wouldn’t want anything else than to know that you’ll move on and be happy. Do it for me, please?”

The next thing you knew his lips were on yours, sealing it with a kiss. A kiss that was filled with both love and passion but at the same time, desperation and sadness. It was a kiss you both knew was going to be the last and you both tried to do what you can to press stop on time.

You separate to breathe, your foreheads touching. “I promise, as painful as it is, I promise.” He whispered. “I love you so much princess, and I promise that it’ll stay that way until the end. Rest easy.”

[rotten-queer]

HRT @ Planned Parenthood

Trying to call for an appointment is impossible I think, I scheduled my appointment online and they contacted Me to confirm the appointment and talk about the costs and how they could help me afford it since Medicaid won't cover transition costs in my state

Initial Cost: $250

Followup: $200

The patient manager person said she would give me a 50% discount since I'd be paying out of pocket, bringing the cost of the appointment down to $125.

During the appointment, they asked me what my income was like, I said I'm currently a part time working making minimum wage ($11.15) and that I typically make about $200 per pay period on average.

It's been a couple weeks and I still haven't been charged for the appointment, so I can only assume they either covered it, or I'll pay at a later date, I have no clue.

Planned Parenthood provided me with needled, syringes, and a sharps container. I bought bandages and alcohol prep pads at Walgreens

Definitely check the goodRx app/website to see which pharmacies near u get the best deals, I chose a walgreens bc its close enough I can walk to, and it's the 2nd cheapest option for buying testosterone with the goodRx coupon.

Original Cost of T without coupon:

- $120

Singlecare:

-$51

(Walgreens apparently already has Singlecare cards to use, but I will def be using GoodRx next time)

GoodRx:

-Walgreens: $30.81

-CVS: $19.82

-Walmart: $47.12

This is covering 3 months worth of T btw, so $51 doesn't phase me too much cuz I pay the same price for 3 months of contacts, but $30 or even $20 is the better deal For Sure

CVS is just a bit further than walgreens so I'll probably still to walgreens till I can drive, then I'll see if CVS is good cuz the $20 cost sounds great

Anyway, during the appointment they'll ask about basic stuff like family history, current diagnoses, current medications, previous surgeries, then they'll ask about your "gender journey"

Ex.

When did you find out you were trans?

- I was 12 or 13

________________________

How long have you been out as trans?

- approx. 5 yrs

________________________

Do you have ppl who support you?

- Many ppl, my friends and lowkey my dad & stepdad

________________________

Do you feel as though you are being pressured into taking HRT, or are you being forced to take HRT?

- Definitely not

________________________

What are your goals, what do you hope to gain by taking testosterone?

- Deeper voice, more body hair, certain growth, body fat redistribution

________________________

What are your concerns about taking testosterone?

- Worsened acne, hair loss, higher risk of diabetes/insulin resistance

________________________

Do you plan on having biological children in the future?

- My response was basically "Hell no", but if you do plan on having kids, they'll go over ur options of freezing eggs and all that in case T reduces ur fertility or makes u infertile.

________________________

I expressed that I would love to be infertile, so they also mentioned that they could help me get sterilized in some way when the time eventually comes to do have that done

[subwaysurf45]

Winter Makes Ice (Ep.7)

Summary:  you’re captured after a brawl at the Avengers building, Bucky and others must save you before Hydra makes a new Winter Soldier out of you, Bucky has given up that title

Words: 3412

Episode: seven

Warning: PTSD, vomiting

Masterlist! Winter Makes Ice Episode: Six

Time: 8:01am 

Date: October 7th 2024

Were you running late?

 Yes.

Your final appointment with Bruce was today and it was scheduled for 8:00 in the morning, you had set your alarm with enough time to get there but Bucky had other plans. While you were getting up Bucky snaked his metal arm around you, he knew you couldn’t break out of it, he pulled you back in his chest so you could stay for a little longer but you managed to bribe him after giving a few kisses down his neck. As you sucked his hand relaxed and when he didn’t see it coming and you snuck out to your bathroom to get ready for the day, you knew he was too tired to get up and pull you back. 

The surgery for both your nose and removing the serum went without a hitch, though you did have a panic attack a day later because it seemed too good to be true for you, everything else went fine. Bruce managed to take samples of your skin and make them into cartilage for your nose, it took a couple days for it to marry and accept your face, it would turn really red and then lose all colour in a matter of minutes. The serum removal took longer than expected, and it turns out what Bruce’s lab was creating wasn’t what he was expecting. The antibiotic would actually get into your bloodstream and split the serum from the red blood cells, but it wouldn’t remove them, the serum would still circulate in your body but just next to the red blood cells. 

A heart-lung by-pass machine was used while you were sedated, you could have been awake but seeing your blood fill a tube and then go back into you while a bag filled with blue liquid was just extra trauma you didn’t want to see. There were always complications with being sedated, but Bucky supported you no matter what. You weren’t left feeling sick after but like you hadn’t slept in days, you found there was a difference between waking up from passing out like you did in the cell and just lack of sleep, Bucky had looked at you quizzically when you said it randomly, but you couldn’t seem to explain. 

You still get headaches from time to time, it normally comes from that same spot in the back of your head and high on your neck, you’d feel around for a scab or scar but would find nothing. There was a bump when you’d checked recently but it seemed as though it was a goose egg form getting hit, but that was so long ago. You didn’t talk about your bump much because you thought people would look at you crazy, some people already did; while others looked at you like you were a ghost. 

As you walked to Banner's lab an agent stopped talking to her friend to look you up and down, and hand came to cover her mouth but you saw the smirk in her eyes. You just shrugged and turned into the lab. 

“You’re late,” Bruce said, he was sat on his stool with everything in hand, clipboard and pen at the ready. 

“Sorry,” you smiled and sat down. 

Bruce began to do the checks, he got good at hiding that he was taking blood, he’d point across the room to show a floating hologram of all your vitals and while you were reading over them he’d quickly stick the needle in to draw a bit of blood. 

He did the same except he pinched your thigh as he stuck in the needle point to make your attention go to your leg instead of the inside of your elbow. 

“Ow!” you slapped his hand away, “I’m used to it by now, and I also trust you and know you’re not trying to stick a foreign serum into me.'' You shook your head and read the file that was left open, “I can’t believe it’s my last test,” you sighed and leaned back in the chair. 

The whirl of the centrifuge wasn’t too loud, Bruce stood beside it with one arm holding his weight on the desk. He watched as you looked over the file again and again, your finger would trace the words and slowly find their way to the corner of the page to flip. The further you got into the file the further back you went, Bruce noticed you tend to stay on your injury report page a bit longer than the others, you’d study the little picture of a person and all the ‘X’s that were drawn where you got hurt; you could barely see the human drawing underneath. He’d watch as you read over every description of the injuries you’ve gotten, one time he asked why and you looked at him and said. 

“Because I go over how to fix each injury, so when I go back into the field I can stay on my toes.” 

But he knew you were just tired of feeling like you weren’t helping when in reality you prompted a medical breakthrough, not everyone gets infected by a mind controlling serum, but the new use of a heart-lung by-pass was being looked at by hospitals. 

Bruce took the blood out of the centrifuge and looked into the vial, there was no trace of blue like there was the first time he did it, just plasma and blood. You were still reading and he knew you’d pass his test so instead of telling you he was starting the evaluation, he just did it. 

“Close that book.” He lowered his voice which sent a boom through the lab. 

You didn’t close it but it did scare you for a second, a little jump but you went right back to reading. You weren’t trying to be mean by not listening but you had to show that you wouldn’t follow orders but rather respond like a normal human, the first day you flinched for the stool when Bruce asked you to walk it over to him but after that you tended to act like he wasn’t in the room. 

“Stand up.” he barked. 

You looked over to him, “no thanks,” you smiled, Bruce smiled back. 

“Can you stand for a second, please?” Bruce squinted and leaned back on the desk, he was challenging how you’d react to an indirect command, it was an offer rather than a command. 

“I don't know, can I?” You tilted your head to the side, a wide smile was being suppressed by a terrible poker face. 

“May you please stand?” Bruce walked over with a proud smile on his face, he was no longer challenging you. 

You just laughed and stood, “only because you asked so nicely,” you let your teeth flash while you both laughed. “Why did you choose standing? That’s like, day one stuff,” you sighed from laughing and closed the file. 

“Because I want to hug you,” he opened his arms wide, “to congratulate you. Now give me a hug, that’s an order!” he giggled but laughed even more when you pretended to scope him out, “just kidding, come ‘ere, kid.” 

You fell into a hug and wrapped your arms tightly around him, Bruce did the same. It was quick but it meant the world. “Thanks for everything, Bruce.” You smiled as you walked out of the room, “I mean it, you really helped me out.” 

“Don't mention it, you’re free!” he opened his arms wide to shew you out of his lab. 

You walked out and closed the door behind you, you only took a few steps before staring off into the distance. “I guess I am…” you muttered to yourself before continuing to walk back to your room. 

As you walked you didn’t even see Bucky in the kitchen “doll!” he called and you turned instantly, “breakfast?” he tilted the frying pan over so you could see french toast. 

Your eating and sleeping were the only things that didn’t seem to get better, nightmares plagued you every night and you could barely stomach a workout smoothie. Bucky would try his best to get you to eat but he typically ate your leftovers instead of making a meal for himself, it was hard to watch because you weren’t gaining weight and he still felt guilty when he’d touch your back and feel every ridge. 

“I’ll have a bit,” you smiled and walked over, “I’m a free bird now.” you commented as he slipped the bread on your plate. 

“Way to go, babe, I knew you could do it.” He scrunched his nose and took the stool beside you, “eat slow and as much as you want, no worries.” He kissed your temple before pulling out his phone. 

You slowly started to eat, you put the corner of the bread in your mouth and chewed slowly. The sweetness and the flavour was still overpowering, you weren’t used to this much intensity and it only made you feel nauseous. As much as Bucky acted like he wasn’t paying attention you could see his eyes look over as far as he can to gauge your reaction, when you’d catch him looking he’d just cough and look forward. You only got four bites in before turning your nose up and pushing the plate to Bucky. He didn’t want to seem disappointed but he was, not in you but rather himself, nothing was working. 

“What do you think you can eat?” He asked softly. 

“Plain yogurt?” you questioned. 

“I’ll give anything a shot,” he breathed and stood. The yogurt was far back in the fridge but he found it eventually, he poured a little bowl, “you want granola?” he asked. 

“Just yogurt,” she sheepishly replied, a thin line formed on your lips. 

He served it up and went back to eating the french toast, you scooped it up and took a spoonful. It was so plain and boring, nothing tingled on your taste buds. There was no category for it, it wasn't sweet or sour, it wasn’t savoury; it was just plain. The metallic taste from the spoon had more power than the yogurt itself. Nothing to chew, no berries or granola. 

It was perfect. 

In no time you scarfed it down, the spoon clicked on the bowl as you scraped for the ends of it. Bucky had been cooking your favourite foods to make you feel at home, you liked spice and sweetness normally. You’d turn down yogurt a month ago if it didn’t have your favourite granola in it, but what both you and Bucky didn’t realize was that you started with crazy flavours instead of the basics. Butter and bread, plain crackers, and maybe some almonds sounded great right now.  

Bucky looked over in shock to see you done with your food, he watched as you went to the pantry and pulled out some unsalted crackers. You plopped a few into your mouth and just waited to see if your body would reject it, but it didn’t.

“Guess I went too fast, too soon, huh?” he let out an unhappy laugh, “you could’ve been eating for a while…” he muttered and stood. He was exhausted, the darker circles under his eyes and the flatness of his skin didn’t go unnoticed. You woke up every night screaming and thrashing around in the bed, the sheets would be piled on the floor from your arms swinging around. As much as Bucky wanted some sleep, he knew for a fact that you’d been in disposition before, you’d been the one to gently ease him out of a nightmare for three weeks straight.   

“You did your best and I love you for it,” You smiled and leaned across the counter to kiss his lips, he sat back down again, “I would have done the same thing, if it makes you feel better.”

Bucky just rubbed his face and looked up to you, “how?” was all he asked. 

“How...what?” you giggled, but Bucky didn’t crack a smile. 

“Why are you so upbeat right now, I get it you finished your tests with Banner but, god, I don’t know how you’re so happy?” He didn’t sound angry but more in disbelief, if it were him, Bucky knew he’d be curled into a ball in the middle of the bed for days, there wouldn’t be anything to make him happy. 

You just sighed and sat down next to him again, “I’m not upbeat right now, if I’m being honest,” you looked forward and the sleek grey cupboards, “I can’t train because my stitches will fall out, I can’t run for the same reason. Half of the team treats me like fine china while the other half still punches me in the arm when they tell a funny joke, if I’m hanging out with Steve he will ask if I’m okay after every little thing while Tony doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t like sneak attacks anymore.” You wiped down your face with both hands, “my head still hurts like crazy, especially in that one spot in the back, everyone is too loud and I’ve been called ‘too quiet’ too many times for me to count.” You finally looked over to Bucky who had the saddest eyes, his lips curled down as he scanned over you, “you’re the only one who I can be, somewhat, happy around because you get it. Yes, you can be very cautious but you’ve backed off when I’ve said no and you’ve learned not to push when I can’t remember much. Bucky,” you cupped his face with one hand, you could feel him push into it, “you see me happy around you because you’re the only one who knows how to put a smile on my face right now, and I’m so happy it’s you.” Before he could say anything you pulled him in for a kiss, he hummed into it and reached up to place his hand over yours; it was still resting on his stubbled cheek. 

“I didn’t know I was doing all that right, I thought I was failing.” Bucky muttered against your lips, you could feel the sadness in his voice. 

“I still can’t lift my arm up all the way without it hurting, you wash my hair and put it in the clip when I ask, you might not have figured that food out or my nightmares but you do the little things, and that’s what makes it better.” Bucky’s arms moved down to hold you at your waist, you were still close. All he could do was smile, the kind of smile you use when you get a prize for a thing you really didn’t think mattered or when you’re embarrassed of how you fell in front of everyone; his lips turned down but his eyes smiled. 

The rest of your morning flowed into your afternoon easily, you’d spent some time just lounging in the bed and keeping each other warm. Little make-out session might brew but nothing went too far, it wouldn’t for a while and you both agreed on that. At one point you fell asleep curled up against Bucky’s chest, he stayed still and when it came time, he helped you out of your nightmare. The little kisses littered your face until you were calm again, he didn’t dare to fall asleep at this point because he knew you would too and being woken up by twitches and little pleads for help weren’t something he enjoyed for his own mental health. 

Time: 9:30pm

Date: October 7th 2024

Everyone filed into the cinema room for movie night, this was your first one since you came back. Bucky had tried to talk you out of it due to it being October and a horror movie was on the list, apparently it was a early 2000’s slasher, basically the worst movie to come back to. You were done with hiding away from the team, you wanted to see them again, scary movies didn’t bother you before because you knew they were just movies and alien killers weren’t real, you really didn’t know how much could change now. 

There was a bowl of popcorn for you and Bucky, you sat in the corner so you were nestled into the armrest and the back pillow, Bucky was on your left, cautiously watching you as Nat queued up the movie. 

“I now present,” she held her arms in front of the screen, “Camp Blood!” The movie faded in from black and a hush fell over the team. People snuggled deeping into their blankets and got ready for the movie, you just leaned your head on Bucky’s shoulder and threw a few pieces of popcorn- without butter -in your mouth.

Not even a half an hour later you were really shaken up, the gore and the blood had slowly broken down your walls and gotten to your head. You had hid it so well Bucky genuinely had no idea even though he was checking in on you after every kill, a little kiss to your temple before a double check. 

“I have to pee,” you whispered to Bucky and left the room. 

You sprinted down and to the back where there was a door to the outside, the air was suffocating and you couldn’t breathe. It seemed everything you could remember was flashing in your mind all at once while new memories were coming into play, it was all so overwhelming and you couldn’t handle it. You pushed the door open and stumbled to your knees and the cold fall weather opened your lungs so wide you thought they were going to pop, the gasps came out unevenly and some were quick shots of air. Your hand was pulling and scratching at the finally held bruise on your neck, it was like you could feel the chains slowly wrapping around you like a snake's tail, coming up around your neck and squeezing tightly. 

With one push, the chains in your mind snapped and all the popcorn you had eaten came back out, right onto the deck that was power washed three days ago. A few pieces of kernels got stuck when you took your first breath in but after spitting them out you could finally breathe again. 

You sat back up on your feet and just looked into the night sky, it was too cold for you to be out here but it was peaceful. With the serum you would have been fine with this weather but that had left you, you were free now, if you wanted you could run down the grass into the forest and never see anyone ever again. It was horrifying that that idea was pleasant to you, you’d never see Bucky ever again but you could be free. 

One foot hit the grass, but then the sound of a lock pulled you from your fantasy, you looked over your shoulder to see the lights off and the red emergency lights spinning around. You ran up to bang on the door but no one could see or hear you, “let me on!” you screamed for anyone but you knew these glass doors were sound proof. “Fuck!” 

“Soldat,” you froze, the voice you remembered vividly rang through your head, you shook it off and kept pounding on the door, “they’re never going to help you,” it chanted in your mind. 

“No, let me in!” you screamed again, your head hit the glass door in defeat, the voice mocked you in your brain. You pulled away from the glass and looked into the building, but then your focal point focused on the reflection. 

“Soldat, break in and kill them all.” the voice said, the slick hair and the notch in his brow, the leader that got away. To your horror, your break straightened and your chin went up, you turned towards the man who never gave you his name. He dressed in all black and wore a Hydra pin over his heart, “you really think we’d let you get away?” he asked, “you really think we only gave you the serum?”

“What is happening?” you asked, your mind was being taken over. 

“I’ll say it again. Soldat, break in and kill them all.” his smile grew. 

You didn’t want to, but somehow the other part of you did. 

“copy.” 

And the glass shattered with one punch. 

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