#do drugs just dont wreck someones fucking house

[invisibleoctopus]

got a real Reminder of the time the house i live in was turned into a trap house: renovating the bathroom and finding Pills (C) ™️ (R) in the gotdamn walls and looking them up on drugs.com and They Sure Are Pills and realizing they were put there by someone during [That Time of 2017 When I Was Manic And Ruined Everything] when there were holes punched in the walls by these fucking lunatics like that was what was left of someone's stash

[fipindustries]

Mouth Dreams analysis

MOUTH DREAMS

I dont even need to introduce to you the marvelous mash up works of neil cicierega’s mouth trilogy (now quadrilogy i guess). We all know them, we all love them and we all have our own interpretations of what they mean. For some merely musical shitposting, for others clever experimentation laden with phrases, leivmotifs and themes repeating here and there, and for many a deep and rich bounty of lore, hidden messages, subtextual stories and underlying narratives implied across multiple variations of all star, hidden in the meta data and uncovered only after doing spectrographic analysis on the soundwaves of the songs after being played at x0.000003 times the speed. It is usually understood that all the albums together form a unique and rich tapestry, a coherent whole that can be understood in its totality. Im not here to do that.

I came up with my own interpretation of what Mouth Dreams can be read as, independent from the other albums. Think of it as me presenting this entry as the soundtrack of a musical with its own self contained story. It is the interpretation that i chose to go by and i hope its understood the brilliance of these albums lies on how weird and vague and open ended they are such that any number of different readings can be extracted from them. So lets see the one i extracted, without further ado, lets begin.

Yahoo

It is an out of context, in media res, start for the whole story. We hear a voice, echoing in the void, yelling at the top of its lungs, reaching desperately for human conection. One form of looking at this song is that the voice only receives an empty response from its own echoes, but i dont take it like that. The song is too sublime and too beautiful for these, the notes soaring too high, the desperate plead is being answered. Someone is listening to the plead and answering right back, harmonizing.

This whole album is in a way that howl, reaching to others, and we the audience are answering back, listening. But also on another level, this whole album is the protagonist telling the tragic story of his own life to some sympathetic figure who wants to help, perhaps a therapist, perhaps a friend, perhaps a partner, we’ll see. And as the yelling subsides the story starts proper.

Mouth dreams (intro)

We are being slowly taken into the story, entering the psyche of the main character, entering their subconscious, their dreams, their memories and therefore, their past. We’ll see what life they led and how they ended up where they are now and we start right at his infancy with….

Spongerock

Spongebob is a great indicator that we are seeing this person’s early childhood. They seem to be a rambunctious and energetic child. Cheerful and enthusiastic, yet there seems to be some underlying aggression there. The music is a bit to strong, and in comes freddy mercury berating the poor kid “you’ve got mud on your face, you big disgrace”. Who is this entity being so hostile to a poor kid? What lies beneath that image of a happy kid? We are about to see on the next song.

Just a baby

This is where trouble starts. We are treated to a dramatic song about a poor young baby who seems to be having a pretty sad life. Justin bieber, former teen idol, keeps lamenting about the poor baby being stuck in baby jail. This song is very much about loss of innocence. A shadowy figure of the mother is introduced who tells the protagonist to be a good boy. And almost at the end of the song we get a suggestion of what’s so wrong on this poor kid’s life. His mother apparently “shot a man in reno”. We dont know if this is a literal thing the mother did or if this is a metaphor for the mother doing something horrible, commiting some crime, harming someone in some way. While its not clarified we see strong hints of what the mother could have done in the next song

Superkiller

As we worry what may be so wrong with this kid’s mother we come across the title for this song, ominous. Now in the original Psycho killer the killer was clearly the singer, but in here the song is twisted and turned a bit, recontextualized by the beats of “cant touch this”. It seems like this time is the singer the one who doesnt want to be touched by some nefarious figure (the mother? Is the mother a psycho killer?) maybe the kid saw the mother killing people “i dont like people when they’re on fire”. whatever the case might be the kid is clearly strung up and under a lot of stress and we are introduced to the first hint of the insomnia that will plague this persons life who cant sleep because “my bed’s on fire”. The horrible situation in which this kid is living is taking a severe toll on their mental health. How is he going to cope with this?

Get happy

I think everyone can agree that “come on get happy” is incredibly unnerving when mindlessly repeated over and over. A first read might suggest the kid is forced to put on a happy face, to pretend that there is nothing wrong going on with their life. But as the song progresses it could also be interpreted as the kid being tempted to find refuge from the horror by unsavory methods “get happy” as in acquire happiness of a forced and artificial kind, perhaps drugs. But also “we’ll make you happy”. The kid is not running into a rabbit hole on their own, they are being invited. Its possible that the kid is being seduced by a bad crowd to move into seedy circles as an escape from their life.

Ribs

In here we see the kid, probably a young teenager by this point as suggested by the use of marylin manson in this song, falling deep into debauchery. The specific kind is not needed to know, it could be drugs, it could be sexual experimentation, it could be criminality. Point is this is unhealthy and dangerous and depraved, emphasized by the title of the song “ribs” as a reference to the rumor that marilyn manson removed two of his ribs in order to perform autofellatio. Whatever the case it clearly works, the song is actually a great bop, energetic and upbeat, the kid is content with the situation, at least for a while…

My mouth

This song is the coming down from the high. In here we see at full blast how the life of depravity on the one side and their situation at home on the other have turned the character into a hardcore insomniac, their health is severy compromised “My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed

Dried up and bulging out my skull”. Another way to read this song is as we momentarily cutting back to the present. After all, what we have been seeing until now has been dreams/memories and this is a short look at the wreck that the person is as a grown up, stirring awake from their memories and trying desperately to forget or to go back to sleep where they can have a reprieve. As evidenced by the next song

Aerolong

I dont wanna miss a thing is completely turned on its head. As the lyrics clearly demonstrate is the protagonist who cant go to sleep being chased by their memories, specifically the memories of their mother “I don't miss you, babe, and I do want to miss a thing”. As the person is tossing and turning on their bed, unable to sleep they talk about how they dont miss their mother at all and they want to “miss” her as in they want to forget her.

Sleepin’

The character is constantly speaking about how they are “sleeping with their clothes on” this is due to them falling asleep during their everyday life because of their lack of sleep every night, this person is barely functional, their sleep schedule is broken. Also since this song is about the character actually sleeping it also works as a bridge back into their dreams and so into their past.

Aammoorree

Is another vignette about the character sinking into disreputable states in order to escape their shitty situation as a teenager, this time very specifically about being completely drunk and perhaps experiencing romance for the first time. The character is probably at a club or a party, drunkenly hitting on someone, though chances are without much success as the song becomes increasingly more incoherent and we go into a full black out. This gets bad enough that the person finally has to take a look and….

Where is my mom

….stop. It is highly suggestive that in the album the “stop” is part of this song rather than the last one. The person is not only stopping their current alcoholic binge. They are stopping the entire situation and taking a good look at their life, finally confronting face to face what is happening and why it is so wrong. Now “stacy’s mom” was always kind of an inappropriate song due to it being about a child having a crush on their friend’s mom, as sung by an adult. But as it is recontextualized by the instruments of “where is my mind” it takes on a much darker tone. The romantic words are still there but now with a sinister bent. This time the main character asks their friend if they can go and take refuge at their house and when they ask if the mom is going to be there they sound more scared than eager, specially suggested by the way he seems to be stammering the word “pool”, they are nervous and terrified. They also talk about stacy’s mom as “all they want and been waiting for so long”, probably because all they want is a normal, loving mother. Presumably this song is about the main character finally talking about what is going on at his house with a friend, confessing and that confession gives way to realization

Fredhammer

Then realization gives way to anger. During this whole song we see the teenage character finally grasping how fucked up the whole situation is and he gets progressively more worked up with each successive aggravation “Why did it take so long? Why (hoo!), did I wait so long, huh?

Why??? To figure it out, but I did it (huh?)”. From this we transition to the kid actually confronting their mom face to face. The line “So you can take that cookie And stick it up your (yeah!)” can be read as the mother trying to pretend there is nothing wrong or pacifying the kid with empty gestures of motherhood, by making cookies and the kid spitting that back into their face. The kid gets more and more worked up through the song as we seamlessly transition to the next one.

Limp Wicket

This song is pure incoherent chaos but something very important can be rescued out of the chaos. This song uses the lyrics from the “ewok celebration” which is presumably the song the ewoks sing in return of the jedi after the empire was defeated. So in a way is the kid celebrating that he finally confronted their mother and presumably defeated her. This is emphazised by the recurrence of the lyrics ““So you can take that cookie”. Is not specified how the mother is defeated, maybe social services or the police get involved, maybe the kid runs away, either way this song is triumphant. The evil entity that stole his childhood and innocence has been defeated.

Cannibals

This song is slightly different from the rest. It works as a form of victory lap after the defeat of the mother figure, but also as an intermission since it lies smack dab in the middle of the album, and finally as a transitionary song from childhood to adulthood. Is a time skip, we get to see the person grow up in fast forward as the THX song hits its crescendo. This song also makes it perfectly clear that, even though she was left behind, the mental scars that the mother left are still there and still fresh and still very much stopping them from sleeping “She drives me crazy

And I can't help myself”. 

The outsiders

This works as a way to recontextualize us in the life of the character as an adult. Our so called “feature presentation”. It is not altogether clear who these people being introduced are. They could be the people who came to mean something in this persons life as they grew up after trauma, probably multiple foster homes, social workers, friends, bosses, co workers, etc. the fact that they are being enumerated dissapasionatly could indicate how most of his social relationships were basically a meaningless blur for him who grew up socially distant due to trauma. It could also represent the multiple roles that our character was forced to take as they grew up and the multiple things that went through his mind or meant something. There is clearly some desperate attempts to recapture their lost childhood as figures such as “inspector gadget” or “the ninja turtles part three” are named. The song is a fast montage of views and places. That prepares us for the next song.

Johnny

We finally zoom in and take a good look at our main character as an adult. A sad, pathetic figure, hurt and lonely, possibly not very well liked and certainly not respected as we hear boos all around. Despite all this the character is clearly committing themselves to be a good person, to not hurt others like he was hurt and specifically to not commit the same crimes that their mother commited.

Closerflies & Nightmovin

These two songs might as well work as a single piece since they are both more or less about the same thing. We reiterate how this person has been turned into an insomniac due to the trauma that they experienced as a child “When I'm far too tired to fall asleep”. They are delirious and barely coherent, possibly hallucinating as they think about their life in bed. This is clearly hell on earth and it seems like its just never going to stop “Can't wake up in a sweat

'Cause it ain't over yet” but, with neil’s classic sense of humor, the song immediately ends.

Now that could just be for the sake of irony but there is also another level in which it could be read. This suffering stops because something suddenly changes in this person’s life. What could that be?

Whitehouse

“I fell in love with a girl”

As the lyrics say, the main character met someone special and they are deeply in love. But also, because of the past that weighs heavily on him, he is very trepidatious about wether to go on with the relationship or not. He knows he is damaged goods and he doesnt want to drag her down as well, these fears make it so he never fully opens up to her about his issues “She turns and says, "Are you alright?" I said, "I must be fine because my heart's still beating." 

Wah

The use of “war” by edwin starr is a clever reference about how everything is fair in love and war. Now this song is an important departure since it is sung from the point of view of the girl our main character fell in love with. She is a feisty woman who is very clearly trying to establish the terms of the relationship and demanding her partner to open up which the main character, due to his insecurities, takes as a declaration of war and which he deflects by playing dumb, hence the repeated use of the silly “WAH” by wario. 

Pee Wee Inc

The emotional distance from the man is putting a strain in the relationship, so what once was supposed to “feel good” is now this melancholic and unbearable situation. Is no mistake that the song sampled here is “the breakfast machine” from pee wee’s big adventure. After all  a neglected partner can feel like a breakfast machine, an object that is there just to make your breakfast. On top of this you can see that the insomnia hasnt gone away “My dreams, they got a kissing 'cause I don't get to sleep, no”. In a lot of ways the girlfriend is feeling used as just a relief from the man’s suffering but not as someone who is being truly loved.

1000 spoons

We go back to the woman’s perspective. At first it just seems like a simple melancholic situation where she is sad the relationship is not working, but then we see the woman have a full mental breakdown as the song changes and becomes much more deranged and we get to see what is really happening. The man ran away on their wedding day. This is represented by the lyrics “is like rain on your wedding day” because it means the wedding has been ruined. She is heartbroken by this.

Mouth dreams (extro)

Appropriately as the previous song talked about a wedding being ruined by “rain” this song begins with the sound of rain. This is the big emotional climax of the story, the music at its most dramatic. Now i will admit, even for me this is a stretch, im willing to concede most of what i am about to say is essentially built out of whole cloth and me wanting to fit a neat full narrative into this album where there is none, but hey, what is art for?

Essentially the man is about to commit suicide, possibly by jumping off a bridge in the rain as suggested by the song being sampled “drowning”. The fact that this song is named after the album is a way to signify how everything that we have just seen weighs heavily on the man’s heart, his whole life, his memories, his trauma, and he is finally ready to end it all. He jumps.

But at the last second his wife jumps after him and drags him to the shore, the last we see is her trying to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation, as indicated by the song,”love me mouth to mouth now…” he is unconscious and presumably finally sleeping peacefully (maybe dead?) “...cover me with dreams, yeah”.

It might look like he will not survive, as implied by the sinister version of all star encroaching over the song. But as it looks like all hope is lost he finally WAKES UP.

In a way this song is also when we finally catch up with the start of the album where we saw the man desperately hollering for human contact and merely echos responding, except now someone finally answered, and he is finally ready to open up and share his story.

Brithoven

Even though this song is sung by a single person i choose to take it as a dialog between the couple, both of them sharing their regrets about their relationship with each other, her recriminating the fact that she couldnt have known what he was going through “oh baby bay, how was i supposed to know, that something wasnt right here” and him finally admitting that he needs help “My loneliness is killing me”.

Finally they both agree to try it again and give their relationship a second chance “hit me baby one more time”

Ain’t

Part of me is conflicted about this song, i kind of want to disregard it, mainly because i think its kind of a weird way to end an album and also because i just dont feel is a very good mashup really. The lyrics dont mix that well with the song, they are paced in an inconsistent way and overall feel like they never truly click. On top of that it just doesnt fit at all with the narrative that i have been building during this analysis.

There is talk about alcoholism and parent abandoment, this time by the father, a figure that was never mentioned during the album. The last line says “say it aint so” which doesnt particularly seem to reflect on any of the themes i’ve been building upon. Ultimately i think i will just leave it besides and be content that i managed to fit almost all of the album into one story, this process was never meant to be a perfect dissection of the carefully planned story that neil deliberately crafted but rather me having fun seeing pictures in a rorshach test.

So anyway that was Mouth dreams, let me know what you thought.

[bennybentacles]

who is in control?

-five

growing up five knew that he has the most prodigious power amongst them. he can travel through space and time, and he can teleport. it is second nature to him, he just knows how to do these things without someone teaching him how to do any of it . he used his power too much, knew it well enough. knew how to do things that not anyone can do.he thinks he has the utmost control over his gift, thought that he knows his power like a worn out sneakers but in reality he does not have a single clue on how his power works. he dives into his power headfirst, and he just hope that it doesnt drown him everytime. he knows about space and time theories, spent hours poring over the quantum physics and learning how it applies into time and space. he knows how to do equations and how to apply it to his powers. but even with all of these at his disposal, he cant time travel properly because while he was learning these theories, he never stopped to take a seat and learn about his own powers. he was so caught up on these flashing numbers and huge diagrams and theories that he never really took the time to control himself, and as he applied his equations to his powers, he didnt account his control into the equations and that fucked him up.

-vanya

growing up, she thought that she was ordinary, never really thinking how her siblings' power really worked. and when it was brought to light that she has these powers too, she has been too old, kept in the dark for too long. she was never thought how to control this large amount of power coursing through her veins, all to her disposal. she never had to spend her childhood perfecting this craft of controlling this abnormal thing in her, never spent hours, days, months and years just concentrating on this power inside her. she never had to think about her action, never had to account her abilities in her every move. she never had to be wary on herself, she never had to stop herself from doing things that will end badly if she lost grip of her powers and she never learned how awfully hard it is to have these powers that normal people do not have. she wished that she is just like her siblings, all different and extraordinary and now that she has it, she isnt too sure on how to control them

-diego

growing up, diego spent a lit of time perfecting his craft. he spent years holed up in his practice room. spending hours each day infront of practice dummies, spent hours throwing knives into target boards, never stopping even as his arms hurt. he trained so hard, spent his youth with one goal, spent two decades of his life trying to defeat his brother. he revolved his life into one goal, practice his powers with defeating his brother in mind, spent years bulking up in an attempt to outlarge his brother, spent years perfecting his speech so that he can talk smoother than his brother. he knows that he has a good control over hinself, knew that his body is a result of his control. he knew that his power works because he had the control over them. but he never really tried doing things for himself, never tried to practice his powers with himself in his mind. never really explored what he can really do, he never tried to see if he can do more than just curving objects with his hand. he didnt step out of the line, never let himself get curious and he has the control over the powers he knew he has, but he doesnt have the control over the powers that he has failed to discover

-luther

growing up, he has way too much energy in his body. he ruined many doorknobs and glasses ever since he was a little boy. and as he grows up, he knew he has to reign himself under control, because he knows, deep down, that he can kill his brother if he grips too tight. luther is a lot of things, he is brash and an arrogant person but he is also determined. ever since he knew the fact thar he could bring harm to his siblings, he trained hours after hours so that he wont ever ruin anything that he touches. and he did it, he controlled himself. he had himself in this wonderful self control, managed to train himself until he got it right, trained until he can give hugs without breaking bones. but there is something that he failed to really control, and that is his temper. because of the fact that he spent his childhood controlling his powers that he never really had the chance to control his emotions

-allison

growing up, allison used her powers to her advantage. she grew up in a male dominated household, grew up in the house that treated women as less even if they dont really knew it. she had to work around these people who are unconsciously making life worse for her, grew up with these boys she loves with all of her heart being molded by her cold heartless father into these cold heartless boys. she knows how her power works, and she used it, spent hours hunched over her dictionaries and rumoring her brothers with overly specific rumors to make her life easier. she used her powers on her father too, using her words, twisting them up so that the house would finally be livable for a woman, and she know what she is doing. she had the control over her powers but she didnt have a control over herself. she cant control herself, cant make herself stop, cant stop using her powers that she had mastered and that ruined her

-klaus

growing up, klaus knew he could cause catastrophic things. he has these horrible monster following him whenever he goes, all this dreadful abominations never leaving his sight. knew that if he really tries, he can bring them forward. he can feel that power deep into him, knew that if he just unleash himself, he can call these monsters forth and have them wreck havoc. knew that if he really wants too, he can make this ghosts his bitch, make them do things on his command, he can rule the world of the undead, and that thought terriefies him. that scares him because he knows, deep down that he craves that kind of power. knew that he can get intoxicated in that type of superiority. but he controlled himself, he knew he has to have the absolute control over himself, knew that whatever happens, he must not let himself succumb to that power. he may have a control on himself but he didnt really have control over his instinct, knew that the moment those drugs managed to control the power that runs into his veins, he will never be able to stop himself from giving in, if only to keep his potentials locked away, hes not even sure of he want to control his destructive self anyways

-ben

growing up, ben hated himself. he grew up with this monsters residing in his tiny body, claiming it as their own. he never really like them, never really tried to like them. he was scared of them, shied away fron the feeling of them moving all over his body, their massive form stretching his tiny skin, wearimg them down years even before he reach his two digits. he hated the fact that he has to feed them, offer them live animals, watch as these creature kill innocent upon innocent upon innocent. he stood frozen as they kill without remorse. he thought he doesnt have any control over them, but he never really realized that he has the control over them. he never really knew that he controls them even as a child, never knew that the monster being restless is because he is restless. he never knew that if he didnt have any control over them, they wouldve devoured his siblings the moment he lost a grip unto them. he was so wrapped up around his fear that he never really tried to make them stop being that way. he never really sat and tried to relax. he had the control over them and he didnt know it, didnt know that as the monsters in his body ripped him apart, that he is the one controlling them, that he is the one tearing himself apart.

and maybe in another life, he would know that and he would become the boss of his demons and he will lose touch with the gentleness he once possessed, and he will just be a hallow husk for his father, just like his siblings.

[jenna-ortega]

2) Jim and y/n are a couple but she's unaware of his drug abuse so one day he's high and gets a little handsy with her in public and she gets upset and the next day he's sober and is like "what's wrong" and medina tells him what he did and he apologizes with flowers and candy😃 😃 😃 please ily

“Do you like this babe?” you asked jim, his eyes dazed off as he was sitting across from your dressing room, swaying back and forth. You hated when he was like this, he seemed so exhausted, like he hadn’t slept or something, delirium setting in faster than he could have expected.  

You twirled in your dress, hoping to catch his attention, and only getting it when the dress shifted up your thigh, causing him to pull his eyes straight to look at you. 

“It...-um,” you squinted at him, wondering why the shaggy haired blonde boy in front of you was having such a hard time spitting out his words, his giggle fit became apparent,

“So that’s a no? jim what the fuck is up with you today.” you scolded him, turning on your heels back into the dressing room, your body being slammed against the wall of the room, the door shaking shut and locking behind you. You felt jims hands roam your body, lifting the dress with his hands as he crept closer to your core. 

You squirmed around in his hands, all attempts proving useless against his strength, whining in his arms as he moved your hair, placing aggressive bites to your neck, 

“You have no clue what i want to do to you right now, y/n, mmm” his raspy voice cooing in your ear. Your stomach dropped at his sudden boldness, wanting to be anywhere but there. You were sure the whole store heard you both, your body jolting forward as you felt his bulge rubbing against your ass. You tried turning to face him, being met with the eyes of someone you barely knew. His eyes darker than usual, his breathing heavy and erratic, his hand clenching your throat suddenly as you scratched his wrist with both hands, gasping for any air you could, 

“So fucking ungrateful. You know how many of your slut friends would kill for me to fuck them senseless right now? and you’re here denying me of what’s mine.” his other hand grabbed at your cunt, causing a strangled moan to escape your lips. Jim smirking at the way your eyes rolled back, your face getting redder as his relentless grip never gave way, not until you kicked him from under you, causing him to jump back. 

“fucking bitch” 

His words cut through you, your eyes watering, body shaking from the unexpected outburst. What the fuck was going on? You’d never seen him so unhinged before,

“James!-” you screamed at him, moving away and creating as much distance as you could, 

“What the fuck is wrong with you jim, are you completely insane!” you voice barely audible, still strained from before, tears streaming down your cheeks as you watched someone you thought you knew smiling in satisfaction as your sorrow, 

“I dont fucking need this alright, i don’t fucking need you,-” you watched him storm out of the dressing room, not caring where he went after that. Your head pounding from all the chaos, you were barely back down to earth when you had to make the phone call to medina, letting her know she’d have to pick her brother up, because there’d be no way in hell you’d let him in your car after the stunt he pulled. 

//

A few days and 50 missed calls later, you still hadn’t spoken to jim, trying you best to avoid him in the halls. You’d spoken to medina again, explaining in detail what had happened. The sigh in her voice told you this wasn’t a surprise to her, but it certainly was to you. You’d been dating for a little over 5 months, but you’d known him since he moved to Palos Verdes 2 years ago. He always told you, you were the first person to make him feel as though maybe he had a life here. He’d tell you everything about his mother, his father, and even sometimes his sister. You two were inseparable, but it always seemed like he was hiding something. Maybe it was just your own mind making things up, but something was off about him recently. 

Your backpack hanging lazily off your shoulder as you walked to your next class, stopped abruptly by the loud shout of your name. Fuck. It was him. You rushed away, trying to get out of having to speak to him. but he caught up to you, grabbing your shoulder and twisting you around. 

“James, do me a favor and fuck off.” you came out strong, hoping to get the point across to him, because he hadn’t been catching on quickly. 

“y/n, please, hear me out, i’ve been a wreck without you--” he grabbed your arm, squeezing as his eyes welled with tears, he was reduced to his old timid self in this moment, catching you off guard, but you shook his arm off of you despite how much your heart told you to let him speak. 

“No, i don’t want to hear it. Leave me the fuck alone.” you stormed off, leaving him behind you to dwell on your lingering lies. You didn’t want him to leave you alone. You wanted to cuddle up with him like it never happened. You wanted to ignore all the red flags he’s shown you and have him take you like he always had. But you had to be strong, had to show him how he acted would not be tolerated, and if you had to pull the tough love card, you had to do it. 

From the distance, you heard him breaking down, shouting at you once more,

“Please!! Y/n, i need you! please don’t leave me!” his voice broken and shaky, your eyes squeezed shut trying to ignore his pleas. He didn’t realize how much it hurt you to see him like this. You wanted to just rush over to him and kiss him, but you couldn’t. You just couldn’t. 

//

Another few days went by, radio silence from your boyfriend. Was he even that anymore? You were so confused. So disappointed at his action that day. Medina told you to hear him out, but that’s what any sister would say. You weren’t ready. The things he said to you still burned into your brain, your heart still heavy with sadness. 

Ding

Your doorbell echo’d through your house, your head popped up from the book you’d been sinking your teeth into. Your mind roaming with who it could be, who you hoped it would be...and when you opened the door slowly you were happy to see him. Your favorite sunflowers and a bag of your favorite chocolate. 

“Jim?” you questioned, eyeing the presents in his hands. 

“Y/n. Hear me out now? I don’t know who i am without you” he said softly, his eyes meeting the ground, not being able to look at you without those tears rushing through. 

You opened the door wider, walking to him, bringing his head up with your hands, his eyes bloodshot from all the crying he had done while you were away. 

“Jim. I fucking missed you” and within seconds the gifts dropped from his hand as you grabbed him, kissing him like it’d been the first time, afraid to let him go. Afraid that if you did he’d break, and you couldn’t have that. Not jim. Not your jim. 

[lonelyshrimp]

What happened with your roomies if you don’t mind me asking...?

 Yknow what I’m in a mood and they don’t know my tumblr (haha they think I’m a cisstraight girl lol) so let’s get into some shit. Imma put everything under a read more bc imma rant a bit and this is gonna get long.

TW: food, unsanitary (general things not being kept clean, typically bathroom and kitchen related), drug use, fighting, slurs

tl;dr if you dont feel like reading this beast:

They steal what food i dare leave out in the kitchen rather tan keep in my room

They slam doors excessively, fight, yell horrible things to each other, have friends over yelling at like 2 am (last night for example)

Leave the doors unlocked and open?? We cant even lock the front door anymore??? (Dw the doors to our rooms all have locks. If I’m in my room or out of the house, my door is locked)

Constantly throw around the r slur. Like. All the time. Including one person having called me it. Y i k e s

One person keeps smoking in the house even though i’ve asked numerous times (and even have a note on my door) asking people to please smoke outside, it gives me headaches. You are physically hurting me stop.

Don’t Clean Anything. The kitchen is a wreck. The toilets are constantly clogging, I Am In Hell.

For context: the house is a one story house divided into a main floor and finished basement. It’s a rooming house and the basement is largely seperate from upstairs. (They have a kitchen door that they keep closed and locked.) The stairs to the basement are split into two smaller flights, with a landing in between the floors. That’s where the side door is. The public spaces upstairs are the kitchen (connects to stairs), the hallway, and the two bathrooms (big main one, tiny water closet by the front door). The rest of the upstairs is split into five rooms. For comprehension sake, we’ll call my roommates: The Couple (M&F), A, T, and J.

Mmkay lets start with the least egregious and move our way up, shall we? Theft! Of anything and everything! No one can have anything out in the public areas if they actually care about it. It. Will. Get. Stolen. Now, I have a mini fridge and the second biggest room here, so I’m lucky in that 99% of my groceries, as well as all my other belongings, fit in my room. There’s just a wee problem: I don’t have a freezer. Not to fear, past naïve me thought, I’ll just clean out and use the locked freezer since I still have the keys for that fridge! (We have two fridges and food theft was a problem beforehand and so me and my friend who lived here cleaned out the second fridge to use as our own and kept it locked.) I decided to do this after I had bought myself some ice cream, wrote my name on the top, and put it in the main freezer. I go to have some ice cream later that week, I open the tub for the first time (as in I removed the seal holding the lid onto the tub) to find that someone eaten half the tub of ice cream while making it seem like it hadn’t been opened. I know it happened at home bc the spoon marks were clear as day and I have to walk 20 minutes back from the grocery store. That woulda melted by then (Also I would’ve noticed at the store that. The tub was hella lopsided??? And way too light???) So yea of course I’m ticked now, I spent 6 bucks on that bro like just ask or get ur own??? So I put it the other freezer, and for a while it’s fine. Next month I decide to treat myself to some frozen waffles and some chicken strips and come home to find that the hinges holding the locks onto the doors of the fridge were torn out of the fridge/freezer doors. Like. The screws were pried outta this metal door rendering the locks completely useless (to the point i wouldn’t even be able to put the hinges back on.) And the cherry on top?? My ice cream was gone!!! Hope u enjoyed it, asshole. So whatever. Fine. I put my food away and. a week later?? Im like “Man i could go for some waffles rn”. I bought 2 8 packs. One chocolate chip, one cinnamon (y’all i literally buy the cheapest ones Zehrs sells. 2,19$ a box y’all. not even eggos). Surprise surprise!! The entire box of choccy chip ones GONE. Mind u, i wrote my name on all of these boxes, as well as a very large “DO NOT EAT”. so i begrudgingly had a couple (note that, 2) cinnamon waffles and move on. A couple days later I go to have some more and. The waffles are completely gone. Out of a total of 16 waffles, ya boy got a solid 2. (It’s worth noting that there was a single waffle left, but at 0,27$ a waffle, I didn’t mind leaving the box on the table with a note basically reading “these are cheap af, buy ur own bitch”.) (I didn’t swear that much tho)

I’d add the bike to the list but i can’t confirm nor deny that one of my roommates stole my tires and seat off my bike (although M does work on bikes all the time so man idk.)

Next up: wow people here are l o u d. I’m talking slamming doors all the time, slamming things around, yelling, playing music wildly loud. It’s awful. Like. You can just. Close the door quietly? Stop slamming things around please? It’s awful because loud sudden noises make me panic and lemme tell ya, wakin up at eight am bc your a-hole roommate decided to slam the door eight times bc the front door is broken because someone took the border around the jamb off instead of fixing it so we can actually?? lock that door?? because it doesnt quite fit in the jamb and so the only wat to lock it was the chain lock and. someone took that too so thats fun :)))))). The side door isn’t that much better. We have a code lock and. No One Ever Locks It. Like. I’ll come outta room and?? It’s just open????? Close the door???????????

The worst, however, is the fucking fighting. The Couple love to argue all the time. and yell at each other and slam the doors or smashing shit and they yell pretty awful things to each other. Like. I’ve heard M call his gf some awful shit. It’s worse when they have people over too. The other day there were like. 14 cops in here bc of them at like 2 am. Cue me, 2 am, trying to watch a livestream and seeing like??? Six cop cars pull up????? Wh a t????? Not fun not good for my brain.

God and. What is with everyone and the r slur??? Like what?? there are so many words you can choose stop using that word. Like okay the other night someone?? took the dc adapter for the wireless modem and one of the dudes downstairs as well as the couple were looking to see if they had a compatible dc adapter and so i just decided to wait?? and i just spaced out a bit okay whatever i was lookin at the wall like i do and fuckin. the couple had a couple friends over and one of em was chillin between the kitchen and the hall and M yells out from his room “Hey don’t you feel weird with this creepy ass bitch standing next to you? Like what is she, m*ntally r*tarded?” like wow okay dude i’m literally not doing anything. Luckily his friends reaction was basically “?? She lives here?? She can stand there if she wants??” (wow referring to myself as she feels weird and wrong).

A big problem I have is I feel like theres a community in this house that I just don’t fit into? Part of it is I’m like. the only person here who doesn’t do drugs of any kind?? Like I have nothing against ppl who use drugs like whatever bro, but it feels super othering to me when i can’t relate to anyone here because of it. That and. Getting T in particular but really just anyone but A to respect me asking that if you’re going to smoke anything to do it outside because weed and to a lesser extent cigarette smoke trigger my sensory disorder and causes me pain and causes sensory overload and I still find myself asking people to smoke outside.Like I’ve never been unreasonable and said “no drugs in the house” or some bs. I’m just asking u to respect my disability thanks.And like?? I’ll get into this in a second but there were needles in the toilet?? Bro throw them out properly.

And now: Hell.

Can no one clean up after themselves?? Do your dishes. If theres food left on your plate, throw it out first, don’t dump it in the sink. Seriously the kitchen sink is fucked. The kitchen is gross. The microwave ugh ugh ugh no thanks. No one can clean everything. This is why all my cookware and dishes are in my room. That way I can make sure I 1) Still Own It and 2) Its clean and usable. I clean them as I go and just use my own shit.

Nothing compares to the bathrooms, though. It seems like every other day one of the toilets are clogged. Last week there were spoons in the sink?? Like at least 10 spoons. In the bathroom sink. The floor is dirty because no one owns a mop and?? there was one in the kitchen?? I haven’t seen it in like a month. And the worst of all. Okay, it’s really bad when every one up here is between like. 16 and 19 I think? And I had to put up a sign in the bathroom asking people to flush when you’re done??? And I still have to flush before I can use the washroom???? And it feels like every week or so. The toilet’s clogged. Oh! I forgot to mention that the water closet doesn’t even have a doorknob anymore. Someone took it. But wait, it gets worse. Seriously if extremely unsanitary things bother u, stop reading now.

Twice in the past month I’ve had to contact the landlord because the toilets were beyond clogged. The first time was bad but oh lord nothing compares to the second time (aka last week). The first time was your pretty standard toilet clogs and backs up and its very gross. I contacted the landlord and it was fixed the next day and it was fine. For. Two Days. Im serious. See. People here have a real issue it seems of “The person before me didn’t flush so neither will I”, leading to a toilet bowl full of like. a half a roll of toilet paper and waste. F u n. What that led to was the toilet clogging, people not doing anything about it, and continuing to use it. Eventually the toilet bowl was full, so trow a shopping bag over the lid to mark the toilet as “Out of order” and move on to the other one.Both toilets were completely unusable. I emailed the landlord and i don’t know if either they or one of the people living here contacted them, but the old landlord and old property manager were here the other day to clean them out and fix them?? and yea among all the standard waste you’d expect in a toilet, there were needles? Like buddy theres a trash can right there? I know u had the needle caps bc they were in there too. just... disgusting...

bro this is just what i can think of off the top of my head i know theres more but oh no this is so long now. just. this is a lot more detail than u wanted but i wanted to get this out of my brain??

[bredsticon-blog]

title: ¡quake! & ~the wave~

desc: by day, you're a reporter for a sketchy newspaper called the exposé. by night, you're a hero named ¡quake! (the exclamation points actually stand for the ground shaking). you and a fellow reporter, brandon arreaga, have recently found the lead on a villain's identity: ~THE WAVE~ (the tildes actually stand for the water... er, waving). ~THE WAVE~ is also your archenemy. who is also brandon arreaga. ...whoops.

part: one (déjà vu)

tags: superhero au, dark! brandon arreaga, humor, love square, gender neutral reader (as always), cussing, mentions of drug use, alcohol, & death (later on)

word count: 1.2k

notes: i have a really large kink for weird multipart aus so expect more to come :^) i have an edwin and austin one coming up. whichever i update first depends on the responses i get

You're not groggy and foggy this morning. You haven't had your coffee yet and the sun isn't peaking through the boarded windows, but you don't stumble around your room, either. Not like there's much to stumble around. Furniture is hard to move from house to house. That, and you stuffed too many confidential documents in the couch cushions to trust any moving company.

In fact, you're never groggy and foggy in the mornings. You don't need to drink coffee. You could step outside in your costume, turn to the wall of flashing lights and microphones, and say three words: "I want chairs." and every furniture designer in the world would scramble to ship their best pieces to you. Not that they'd know your address—you've made certain that no one would—but they'd try.

You make your way to the living room, gingerly stepping over piles of unopened letters covered in kiss prints and heart stickers. Your fans discovered your past home, so you had to move before they found out who lived there. A box T.V., slouching on one of your untouched packing boxes, blares in the corner. You grimace and cover your ears, but you can still hear it.

"International supervillains quake at the sight of ¡quake! Haha, that was a nice one, wasn't it, Normani? Last night, ~THE WAVE~ was found plotting to stea—"

You dart to the TV and turn the volume down one notch. It goes mute. There you go, that's it. Bliss.

Not for long.

Something goes off near your hip. You scramble in the deep plush of your pajama pockets. It's like an earthquake. Your skin vibrates along with it. Your fingers clasp around smooth plastic, and you tug your phone out.

"HELLO, STERLING."

Your boss's voice explodes in your ears; you grimace, throwing your phone to a couch.

"Yes, boss?" you say, answering to your alias. Sterling wasn't your actual name, but that's what your boss calls you when she's on the phone. In case someone's tracking.

From the couch, her voice is less booming. "Sterling, a certain friend of yours has told me that you moved again? Without telling me?"

But just as terrifying.

"Yes, boss. People found my address and started sending things. Most were good but... gross things, too. Y'know how it is now. Normals have a fetish for me. My kind."

You give her a second to respond.

"You're lucky I pity you, babe." Your boss is one of a kind. She's the only person in the world who pities you. "If you weren't you, if you didn't have your condition, if you didn't always give me the juiciest stories, I'd damn near fire you for moving so much. On my bill. This is the sixth time this year, no?"

You nod, then realize that it's a phone call. "Uh- yeah. It is."

Since you're a "superhuman," the government requires that you register to UN, fingerprints included. Your superhero identity would be tacked on every piece of ID you ever own.

The thing is, you're one of the only heroes with a living archenemy. Which means you don't exactly want everyone to know who you are. Which also means that the government doesn't know you exist. Can't file taxes, buy anything substantial, or get a proper paycheck. You just rely on your boss's money to keep you afloat. Every time you move, it's been on her card.

She sighs. "Fine, fine. Just keep up the good work. You being... you is worth it."

"Will do."

"Speaking of good work, I have an assignment for you. You know that person that's been bugging you for the past few years? Well, after the information you gave me, Brandon's found something new on them." Her voice takes on a sparkle. "This is gonna be big. If this doesn't blow up our paper, I don't know what will."

Your eyebrows shoot up. Wait a minute—is she talking about the bane of your existence? ~THE WAVE~? The person that's been messing you up ever since you got your powers?

"The thing is, my darling Sterling, it's so big, I will need your sharp senses. Brandon refuses to leave this story, so both of you are going to work on it."

There's only six reporters working for the Exposé—and she's putting two on one story. That's one third of her entire business. On one story.

"Now, dear, could you tell me your new address so he could do a little hop and skip to your place? Some of this stuff is deeply sensitive."

You whisper it in the a special code you two formulated. Your ears pick up a faint scribbling sound, and she speaks once more.

"Wonderful, wonderful. He'll be over at three!"

She ends the call.

You gulp. Your house is the definition of a wreck. You have fan gifts addressed to ¡quake! all over the place, and as far as Mr. Arreaga is concerned, your name is Sterling, and you're just a humble reporter. You haven't brushed your teeth yet. You didn't take a shower in two days. Your good fits are still in your car. It's two o'clock.

As the great Captain America once said: Fuck.

You speed through your personal hygiene, going in and out of the bathroom to dig through boxes. You knew you should've unpacked sooner. You knew it, and you didn't.

After that, you take all your gifts into the basement. Or, rather, roll them into the basement, since you couldn't carry some. Being ¡quake! didn't give you super-strength, and one person literally gave you a tree (their prized Pennantia baylisiana). You have no idea how that went through UPS, but it did, and you also had the ignorance to bring it with you when you moved. You truly question why little kids look up to you.

You aggressively dust the house, push around furniture, pick a good fit, and sneeze a good fifty times before finishing. The boarded windows look suspicious, but you can just say you're a conspiracy nut. Brandon doesn't much about you, so you can make up whatever bullshit you want. Chances are, he'll believe it.

None of your coworkers know that much about you, really. The other five are pretty much brothers, while you've kept to yourself. For good reasons. You haven't killed your archenemy yet. Until then, you've vowed to keep your hero life away from your personal life. It's the only way to keep everyone safe. Especially when it's your archenemy.

So you chit chat with them, act friendly but not too friendly, just average. You bring good stories, though, the latest scoop, all that. Even if you hold back a bit, you know enough about the criminals in this area to satisfy any paper. It gives you a good excuse to act like you're leaving for an assignment when you're actually just punching ~THE WAVE~. Your coworkers don't know more than they need to. And you plan on keeping it that way.

The doorbell screams. You kick the last fan letter into a corner, and you rush to open the door.

Brandon gives you a smile.

He's cute, but still just your coworker. You gotta keep him at arms-length. You smile back, knowing you look completely dead inside.

He meets your eyes. His are dark. Like an inked signature. Like a new moon on a cloudy night. It flips a switch in you, a spark of coldness, a wisp of familiarity, and your eye twitches. Déjà vu. He stares at you. Neither of you speak.

Then he blushes. "So, uh, I'm guessing this is where the infamous Sterling lives?"

--

a/n: i know this sucked ass. dont remind me

[cadysu]

tell me about your kokuyo gang headcanons pls and thanks

Let us talk about my children the Kokuyo Gang aka Mukuro, Ken, Chikusa, M.M., and the rest but not Chrome because Chrome is a member of the Vongola Family and was kicked out. :^) EDIT: NO FRAN BECAUSE THIS POST GOT TOO LONG GOMEN.  I’m going to do a paragraph or so segment for each character I think with some canon facts mixed into headcanon so have FUN!

Mukuro- Mukuro has a lot of canon info already so this is gonna be on the shorter part. Mukuro is a little shit kjasnd Mukuro enjoys reading of all types- from picking up a magazine to novels. He is also very spiritual- yes his powers have ties to the levels of Hell, but I can see religion and belief systems being topics of interest for him. He’s extremely up to date on politics (less in a “wow politics is interesting” and more as a study of people. He watches to see the corruption, lies, and abuse of power. And let’s make it pretty damn clear that if he had nothing better to do/ there was no effort to it, Mukuro would 10000% be okay murdering those people in cold blood because he can. I feel like a lot of people forget Mukuro is a villain (antihero but still a villain too). On a less serious side of everything though- Mukuro can also be very laid back and playful. He pampers himself (spa day with M.M., glass of wine FRUIT COCKTAIL, video games with the rest of the gang, etc.) As serious and scary as he can come across, he is still a teenager. A teenager that is fully aware of how bad the world can be, but also in a bit of a chuuni-bubble where he feels this one man illusionist wrecking machine can take over everything and his only obstacle atm is the Vongola Family. 

Also Mukuro strikes me as someone who would enjoy David Lynch movies. I mean I’m not projecting my love of Twin Peaks on him, but watching Twin Peaks made me think he’d enjoy it a fair amount. :T Or at least Fire Walk With Me.

Ken- SMELLY BOI. I love Ken. Ken may not be the smartest, but do not call him stupid! He just works things out differently. Ken can pick up on small things that many people miss due to his keen observation skills; his sense of smell, hearing, and vision are all heightened compared to a normal human being. He can almost “sniff” out illusions if they’re not very well done and he is a natural at catching someone in a lie. Ken canonically hates bathing but I can also see him being grubby in general- he doesn’t floss as much as he should or clean his ears, he has dirty nails, runs around barefoot a lot- stuff like that. Ken doesn’t eat his veggies either. He’s like that one tumblr post where Chikusa is the “Do you feel guilty when you dont eat vegetables/ only junk food for awhile and you need healthy food to feel better?” “Idk Kakipi I’ve only had soda and gushers for 3 days and I feel fine” “Ken...no...” That is Ken. Ken has a huge fear of doctors/dental offices in general, but I think one of the biggest things that he’s scared of is anesthesia and needles, even though these things are supposed to help. Seeing tanks of nitrous or the small plastic mask to go over one’s mouth and nose really drive up his anxiety. Only Chikusa and Mukuro can really calm him down and convince him everything will be okay. Even if the doctor is Verde/ someone he has developed a degree of trust, he still cannot control his PTSD. Ken hates wearing suits and he doesn’t really like getting new clothes either- not so much anything against new clothes, he just likes wearing the same smelly shirt 5 days out of the week if he can. Also, not a set in stone headcanon, but I can picture Ken being colorblind.

Chikusa- Chikusa is such an overlooked character aaah- Okay first off- Chikusa is not as smart as Mukuro, but smarter than Ken. He sometimes reads or peaks into the books that Mukuro is reading, and he does try to continue his education however way he can. There actually isn’t a subject he really dislikes, but Ken and M.M. tease him for still doing things like homework or reading the old textbooks they have despite none of them going to school. Chikusa is also one of the only few in the house to do chores: cleaning, cooking, making Ken take a bath, grocery shopping, etc. He can also do small sewing/stitches for mending holes and he learns small skills relatively quickly as long as they aren’t too complex. Despite his extreme loyalty to Mukuro and rarely seen without Ken tagging along, Chikusa is a very independent person. Introverted, but independent. He spends his time at home playing video games and listening to music, and when he needs to leave, he just goes out. Chikusa is a better functioning adult as a teenager than most adults LOL (minus the fact he has no bills to pay). Chikusa tries to save his allowance money but usually gives some to Ken for whatever small reason like a few extra tries in an arcade game, some junk food or comic, etc. He never brings it up or asks for money in return but sometimes sighs with reluctance. If he really doesn’t want to, he’ll say no, but there’s usually a reason (”Ken we need real groceries. I’m not eating gum for dinner.” “I need to replace my headphone cord” “I have a crack in my glasses” etc.) Opposite to Ken, Chikusa tries to have really good hygiene. The only thing that truly bothers him is that he can’t wash his hair as much as he’d like, but he covers it with his hat and possibly dry shampoo from M.M. if desperate.

Chikusa is ambidextrous. :v

ABOUT THE BARCODE- Okay so another person I rp’d with had the headcanon of Chikusa being a twin and the barcode being a way the Estraneo kept track of them, which I thought was fucking genius. Screencaps and manga scans show he didn’t have that tattoo as a kiddo/pre-Mukuro rampage, so technically it isn’t accurate, but it’s a thought nonetheless. I do consider the barcode a tattoo and not drawn on/temporary/birthmark/etc. I still like that idea as an honoring thing. Like if he had a twin who they marked but the twin died during an experiment so when they were out of there he did it as a we-will-never-be-apart thing.M.M. - MY DAUGHTERU. God M.M. is such a good character but people snub her because she’s a “bitch” and a woman (I say that because when Mammon is greedy it is cute but when M.M. is greedy she’s bad. Same with her attitude! If a male shounen character acted that way he’d be like, a princely type. So yeah I think a lot of M.M. hate comes from people who don’t respect women :T) 

ANYWAYS I genuinely love the idea of M.M.’s name/design/background having a small reference to the book series of Madeline. PROBLEM HERE IS I HAVE TWO HEADCANON BACKGROUNDS FOR HER AND I LIKE BOTH SO HERE THEY ARE: I headcanon her real name as Madeline, and the she was sent off to a wealthy all girl’s boarding school as a child. She lost her parents at a very young age and inherited a small fortune, but had nowhere to go. She would stay and live in the boarding school until school was out, and then stay with an estranged relative during the breaks. However, she quickly started staying at “friends” homes instead as her limited family did not look after her or have any interest in her actual well being. THE OTHER VERSION VERY SIMILAR BUT INSTEAD OF BEING WEALTHY SHE WAS VERY POOR AND SENT TO A WEALTHY SCHOOL. The idea of her either being a poor young girl who got a taste of riches and fucking took it or the idea of a young girl who grew up wealthy but was surrounded by people who wanted what she got made her be a lot harder and did a fuck you all I’m M.M. and I get what I want. I love both those ideas and I can see them both working as a background. Both M.M.s’ see how the capitalism really runs the world and the main difference is one just had to work a little more to get rich while the other had less of a struggle but equal amount of determination. M.M. learned quickly that she was rather “pretty” to men and with money, she wouldn’t have to run to anyone or need help from anyone.

To earn money, she started as a small petty thief and moved on to grander schemes quickly. M.M. was a talented shoplifter and would pick up on things she could sell off to the girl’s in school, and then for the big money she knows how to blackmail people and get dirt on anyone. A cheap disposable camera and risky photos can ruin a person’s life. A little bit of alcohol is all it really takes for someone to make a horrible mistake. Also a lot of alcohol can make someone pass out and lose all the money in their wallet. Although she never liked the business, I can see M.M. knowing the fastest cash she could make would be to sell drugs to other girls. A little coke here and there. Think of that post making fun of the group of white boys vs. hipsters with the caption “Who would pay more for weed?” M.M. knows who and knows how to convince them “this is some really rare good stuff that I stole from my parents~ Yknow it’s imported from Amsterdam~” or “Hey I heard you want to lose weight, yknow I know how you can be the thinnest girl in school~” M.M. is resourceful and cunning and she can and will prey on someone’s insecurities for money. M.M. has been arrested and does have a mugshot, but this was in the beginning of her thieving days and she was released later that night. She also may or may not have tried to seduce her guard(s). Also despite her flirting and knowing what she CAN do, she has never gone into sex work. She hasn’t met a man or woman who can afford her. She’s a virgin but she’ll lie about it/ leave it ambiguous just to see what pays more. :T

Now a lot of this all applies to her before she joined the Kokuyo gang. Mukuro had heard about M.M. when seeing her mugshot in a trashy gossip magazine. A young, pretty and precocious teenage girl with a natural talent of stealing? No family really known/ totally independent? Why not try and get her in your growing gang of misfits. She was hesitant at first, but Mukuro, in Verde’s own words, is extremely charismatic. Plus she finds him cute and really saw promise in his plans. She hates Kokuyo Land because of how dirty it is, and actually bothered to have her part of the hideout remodeled for her liking (a nice bed, a vanity in her room, a throw rug over the damaged floorboards, etc.) She managed to turn abandoned and run down into “shabby chic” but she’s hoping she can get it to a more Versailles tier one day. 

Not to bring up Twin Peaks again but after watching it I definitely get Audrey Horne vibes out of M.M.

M.M. has the highest education of the Kokuyo Gang and has actually has a very good understanding of chemistry. Her main passion though is music and she genuinely loves to play her clarinet in her room for fun. 

OTHER CHARACTERS!:

FUN “FACTS”:

M.M. is a Sephora VIB Rouge member and makes fun of people who have to shop at Ulta (except she does shop at Ulta when no one is looking.)

Each member of the Kokuyo Gang has a preferred fighting video game and main. (SIDE NOTE: I don’t play enough fighting games to be familiar with every character’s play styles in all games so these ideas can easily change) Mukuro- Mortal Kombat (I only played MK1 for genesis and MKX which I suck at but I can see him playing Scorpion and beating up Johnny Cage repeatedly), Ken- Tekken and probably mains Kuma (Ken can definitely tap the buttons fast enough for those combos), Chikusa- Street Fighter as Ryu/ he keeps things very classic (But usually he plays whatever Ken wants to play, so I can see him maybe playing a lot of Yoshimitsu),  and M.M. is Soul Calibur as Ivy, who is definitely 100% not overpowered. Also Fran plays Smash bros. and he’s probably a Mewtwo spamming lil shit. Or Metaknight.

Chikusa’s likes to go inside Tower Records and Mandarake stores, but rarely buys anything because of his limited finances.

They didn’t have cable until Verde moved in and would sometimes watch daytime television. Local news, daytime soaps, public tv anime, etc. Sometimes they rent videos for a night at home, or sneak into movie theaters with a little illusion help.

NONE OF THEM HAVE GONE TO A DOCTOR OR DENTIST (except M.M. and Fran when he was at his granny’s) because of their past trauma. When Team Verde was formed, Verde did a health assessment but has been unsuccessful at making any of them see a dentist. Especially Ken- but Ken does take better care of his channels.

i have so much more to type but oh fuck i went on sorry chi jkdsfnaksdfn

[fish-nibbler]

I probably know alot of these already, but 1-100 :3

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Mostly Pandora rn

is your room messy or clean? My room is an absolute wreck I really need to clean it

what color are your eyes? Blue-grey

do you like your name? why? No.. A lot of people tease me and say I’m “named after the queen of England” or when I tell them my name is Liz, I get: “Ooo sexy” and it’s honestly just annoying

what is your relationship status? Single and sad… I need drugs and a gf

describe your personality in 3 words or less Pathetic, Depressed, Anxious

what color hair do you have? Dark Brown

what kind of car do you drive? color? I drive a Kia(can’t remember the model off the top of my head), and it’s white

where do you shop? All sorts of places? I dunno.. I haven’t been invited out of the house and everyone I ask to hangout with ignores me so.. I haven’t gone out to any shops lately.

how would you describe your style? Awful

favorite social media account Honestly my Tumblr is my favorite

what size bed do you have? Full, y’know, incase I have a lady friend over but.. PFF that’ll never fucking happen.

any siblings? Nope

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? I’d like to stay in minnesota.. 

favorite snapchat filter? Don’t have one

favorite makeup brand(s) I don’t really wear makeup.. 

how many times a week do you shower? I shower every-other day on a good week.. it’s harder to take care of myself when I’m depressed tho.. But I kinda try

favorite tv show? Don’t really have one rn.. I just finished 

shoe size? 5..? At least a 5 in converse(unisex) - but I think it’s a 6 or 7 in womens?

how tall are you? Only 5ft

sandals or sneakers? Sneakers

do you go to the gym? no

describe your dream date I’ve already had it. When my ex and I had first been dating she.. she took me out to a movie and dinner and I had a really good time.. I just wish I could have that back..

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? I don’t know.. 

what color socks are you wearing? Grey

how many pillows do you sleep with? Two

do you have a job? what do you do? No

how many friends do you have? 

whats the worst thing you have ever done? 

whats your favorite candle scent? Uh.. Lavender scents are nice, but I also really like chocolate ones.. and I guess apple-cinnamon isn’t bad.. also the pumpkin spice(?) ones that come out around halloween/in the fall.. they smell like pumpkin pie

3 favorite boy names

3 favorite girl names

favorite actor? dont have one

favorite actress? don’t have one

who is your celebrity crush? nope

favorite movie? Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmarron

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

money or brains? Brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? Yea, I go by Liz

how many times have you been to the hospital? Too many

top 10 favorite songs 

do you take any medications daily? No but I probably should

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) Kinda a mix of oily and dry

what is your biggest fear? Being abandoned.. and I’ve been abandoned but a couple people recently..

how many kids do you want? none

whats your go to hair style?

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

who is your role model? 

what was the last compliment you received?

what was the last text you sent? Telling someone that I finished Orange is the new Black

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? Pff.. Like 5 or 6? My grandmother’s handwriting was on the gifts and it was my mom’s gift wrap so

what is your dream car? 

opinion on smoking? If I can get high I’m going for it. I don’t care if I’m just taking the edge off with cigarettes or getting stones with weed. Just gimme

do you go to college? No I’m still in high school

what is your dream job?

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? HELL YEA (they just throw it away anyways so)

do you have freckles? no

do you smile for pictures?

how many pictures do you have on your phone? enough

have you ever peed in the woods? No.. Maybe when I was younger and really had to go

do you still watch cartoons? yeah.. who doesn’t?

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? neither

Favorite dipping sauce? 

what do you wear to bed?

have you ever won a spelling bee?

what are your hobbies?

can you draw?

do you play an instrument? Flute

what was the last concert you saw?

tea or coffee? Tea

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

do you want to get married? I’d like to.. yeah

what is your crush’s first and last initial? JC(she’s my ex though so I mean I really shouldn’t like her but I still have strong feelings for her..)

are you going to change your last name when you get married? Probably

what color looks best on you? Black

do you miss anyone right now? Yes

do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed, but cracked open just enough so my cats can get into my room

do you believe in ghosts?

what is your biggest pet peeve? People only listening to half of what I say just because I’m quiet

last person you called`

favorite ice cream flavor?

regular oreos or golden oreos? Regular 

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? B..Both..

what shirt are you wearing? A blue flannel

what is your phone background? Evil Rick and Morty

are you outgoing or shy? shy

do you like it when people play with your hair? YES I love people running their fingers through my hair and petting me.. It calms me down a lot

do you like your neighbors? no

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? not really.. i mean I do wash my face.. just not as often as I should

have you ever been high? yes

have you ever been drunk? not yet

last thing you ate? spaghetti

favorite lyrics right now

summer or winter?

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk

favorite month? October

what is your zodiac sign Aries

who was the last person you cried in front of? uh…. my ex..

[princeyandanxiety]

The "ask me things" ask - all of them!!! Or if that's too insane, do the first 20 and the last 20 :p

The answers are short bc i was rushing them haha but ill put em under the read more

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

… I would be very, very freaked out. Words would not be said. Only screaming.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I saw him last month. No offense, but he cannot write a decent speech.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

Depending on the drug, it’d vary from “please just make sure you’re safe” to “oh god how do i convince you that this is a bad idea [panicky pharmacist daughter vibrating]”

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

[counts letters on fingers] yes!

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

Sober.

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyep

7. What does your last received text say?

“Ok, see you next week. Thanks. :)”8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

Once.

9. Where was your last kiss at?

Kindergarten classroom. In my primary school.

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

[checks time] uh like an hour ago?

11. What do you drink in the morning?

Water or cinnamon orange tea

12. Where did you sleep last night?

My bed.

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

They’re a lot of work, but they’re ultimately a choice that both people have to make. I’d like to hope that they’re ultimately worth it.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

Mostly test results.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

“Oh, hey, we haven’t talked in like 6 years. How’s life?”

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Sunny.

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

Lmao fuck no.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

Pj pants!

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

Yes. Because I’ll have finished my HSC.

20. Does anyone like you?

Yes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

No. Only an A, a T, and another A.

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

[shrugs[

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

There are multiple. Be more specific.

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Yeah but I’m a fucking wuss haha I’d probs pass out from the pain or something.

25. In the past week have you cried?

I cried like 9  hours ago lmao

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

TOY POODLE!

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

Who the fuck dries themself in the shower? It’s all watery in there. Foot mats exist for a reason.

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

nnnnnnnnnnnnnope

29. Do you think you’re old?

Sometimes i feel a little old, but I know that I’m still pretty damn young

30. Do you like text messaging?

Lmao I prefer it to calling that’s for damn sure. I dont actually text all that much tho. Mostly because the people i’d text have free messenger services anyway. That or the bill for texting them would be pretty fuckin pricey.

31. What type of day are you having?

It’s on the better side of neutral.

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

Nooooo thanks. I got my ears pieced when I was like 3 and that was enough for me!

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

Mildly cold weather.

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

Yes! He’s been my friend since kindergarten haha

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship because i am a massive romantic (whICH REMINDS ME-)

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

Is anyone actually simple? Like really? There are always so many different parts to one person, so many intricacies and contradictions, good and bad, that they might not even think about.

… so im probably a more complicated person haha.

37. What song are you listening to?

Nice2KnoU by All Time Low i love it sooooo muuuuuuch38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

Most of the time, yeah.

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?Ooooooh yeah. They probably have the most power to wreck me lmao.

40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

Okay in my defense I didn’t realise I actually liked them until my brain was like “lmao what if you had a crush on this person” and I was like “oh. oh fuck. I actually do have a crush on them” but i think it was a few things. they always make me smile, and they don’t mind that i can be a clingy motherfucker. They’re also funny and super sweet, and they have such an amazing mind and personality. Tbh im not entirely surprised that i fell for them because when i click with someone as well as i initially did with them i tend to develop feelings pretty quickly from there.

41. When did you last receive a text message?5:14 pm

42. What is wrong with you right now?Do you have the time to hear the answer to that?

43. How well do you know the last female you texted?Eh. She’s a  teacher.

44. Does anyone disgust you?

Yes.45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?Unfortunately, no, probably not.

46. Are you in a good mood right now?{come back to this}

47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?My mum

48. What color shirt are you wearing?

Black. Like my soul.49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?Yes.

50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Yeah. Myself.51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

… yes because he turned out to be a dick.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?See above.

53. Do you like rain?I frikkin’ love it

54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?Not really. I’d only be really worried if it was unhealthy levels of drinking.

55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

… Lmao I always tend to admit it eventually, I think. A few times I’ve been like “oh yeah, I used to have a crush on you haha” 56. Do you like to cuddle?

Never… actually… cuddled before...

57. Are you shy?

Eh, it depends. 58. Do you get along with girls?

I tend to get along better with girls than guys tbh but when I was younger I always had a lot of girl cousins and at primary school it was always pretty divided between boys and girls

59. Have you dated the person you texted last?Fuck. no.

60. What do you carry with you at all times?

My phone 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

… maybe. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?I sure as hell hope I can

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

Ahhh, the beginning of HSC. I was so young then. So hopeful.

Too bad my soul has been squashed. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

… Bells has just passed out from thinking about this please leave a message after the beep *beeeeep*65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

My friend did really well on an important test and she was super happy about it haha

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

Between 17 and 18.

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    I like doing my own nails but tbh I *really* wanna get them done one day.

68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

How about neither????69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    Nah

70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    Who?

71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    Android!

72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

Fuck if I know lmao73. Do you like diet soda?    

Ew no74. What color are the walls in your room?    

Varying shades of purple

75. Are you 16 or older?    Yep!

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    Nope!

77. Do you have a job?    

Double nope!  78. What are your initials?    

Identification.79. Did you ever have braces?    

Got ‘em right now haha80. Are you from the south?    

I COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER so technically yeah

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    “How does a worried Hispanic person count to three?Uno, dos, stress.”

82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    Lol no I don't even know if he's alive

83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

Mum :)84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

I did gymnastics in kindergarten!

I hated it.85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

Probably Moana?86. Do you smoke?   

Nah 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

THONGS M888. Is your phone touch screen?    

Yes.89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

My hair is straight than I am most of the time.90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    Haha no.91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

Pool   92. Have you ever made out in a car?    Nope

93. …Had sex in a car?    Double nope

94. Are you single or in a relationship?    Single!

95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    Sleeping like a baby

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?  

In person? A few years, now.  

97. Do you like the camera on your phone?   Yes. because i have a samsung galaxy s7 now. My s3 had the picture quality of a potato.

98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    Nope.

99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    THREE MORE MONTHS. But no not yet

100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    Uh theres one person that i’ve been holding a grudge against for fucking ever but other than that no?

101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? … look bayer and bayer would be getting sued if i was pregnant.

102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    C’mon

103. Do you have any tan lines right now?

Nah its winter so im all long shirts and knee socks rn   104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? 

Idk maybe

[gh0stboy]

0 thru 44 my guy it seems you need a distraction lol

flsdfhjhd thanks m8 im gonna die doing this but im hype for it

0: Height

ya boi short im 5′1

1: Virgin?

take a guess man (look me in the eyes and tell me someone will tolerate this mess. try it)

2: Shoe size

6.5-8

3: Do you smoke?

sometimes with some people

4: Do you drink?

also a sometimes 

5: Do you take drugs?

haglkhdsag i get high w friends once in a while but Not Often Enough

6: Age you get mistaken for

probably 12

7: Have tattoos?

not yet!!!

8: Want any tattoos?

yesssss i wanna get a nice minimalist thing done of geryon done in red ink and i probably want a ramshackle glory tattoo of sorts

9: Got any piercings?

nope, somehow never even got my ears pierced 

10: Want any piercings?

yea but i dont know what i want

11: Best friend?

akljglaghlag all my friends are too good to choose

12: Relationship status

single as hell bud

13: Biggest turn ons

do we really truly want an answer to this bc i am a Hellscape

14: Biggest turn offs

being mean for no reason, ignoring boundaries, etc.

15: Favorite movie

ohhhhh jgjalgjlas fight club, legend, on the edge, girl interrupted, heathers, they look like people, nightmare on elm street, hellraiser.....

16: I’ll love you if

if you’re fuckin nice to me lmao

17: Someone you miss

all my idiot fuckin friends who live way too far from me

18: Most traumatic experience

do u want a play by play of my childhood what i can remember i mean

19: A fact about your personality

im a lot more excitable than i seem

20: What I hate most about myself

o h b u d d y uh.i hate how bad i tend to overshare

21: What I love most about myself

i really just own how much of a wreck i am yknow 

22: What I want to be when I get older

i’d like to be a director

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

one outta 3 aint bad eh

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

🙃 oh pal,,,,,,

25: My idea of a perfect date

take me out for coffee, a movie at home, a nice time at the park,,,just something chill u know

26: My biggest pet peeves

people who say they understand your problem/agree to help but then. Yeah

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

w

which one

really which one i have a crush on so many fucking people

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

80 year long tumblr vague post that t o t a l l y wasn’t petty and was d e f i n i t e l y factual lmao

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

im not being that bitch i swear but i can’t remember when i last lied to one of my friends purely bc im trying to remember

30: What I hate the most about work/school

people who dont do their job expecting me to be able to do mine even tho it directly hinges on them

31: What your last text message says

do dm’s count im saying they do

it’s just me bitching at z to charge his damn phone like a normal person

32: What words upset me the most

“asinine” “chattel” and certain other phrases that Say Too Much

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

“your eyebrows look good” “you look nice” “i love you” and the phrases that potentially come w it

34: What I find attractive in women

nice, likes cool stuff, tells me about their interests

35: What I find attractive in men

nice, likes cool stuff, exists in my direction

36: Where I would like to live

ireland or finland

37: One of my insecurities

my voice/what i say

38: My childhood career choice

i wanted to be a medical examiner

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

cheesecake!!

40: Who wish I could be

adam ant’s trophy husband uhhh i would love to be my vision for my future self

41: Where I want to be right now

bri’s house, chicago, south dakota, anywhere else my friends are/might be

42: The last thing I ate

a pack of fruit snacks

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

don’t make me make 2 adam ant jokes twice in a row

44: A random fact about anything

one time i read a post that said that introverts are adopted by extroverts (but i feel like i work in reverse bc i keep finding extroverts)

god i fucking finished it YEET 

[effervescentmind]

Entry 21: 03.23.20 b

I wanted to talk more indepth about my job and housing concerns and also tie in another dynamic in my life right now. I met someone online in August and at first it was just a fwb type of arrangment. He would come over once a weekish and we would spend some time together, laugh and sleep together. Sometimes we would just sleep and not have sex but he ended up slowly staying over until the next morning and then it just became a regular thing for him to sleepover. He’s a nice guy and has his shit together, makes money and has a lot of awesome goals. He’s self-motivated, encouraging and funny and I really enjoy him. Sometimes we go out and we always have a good time but I didnt want anything and he knew that. I was still hurting and trying to figure myself out and redefine who I was after my last two relationships. He knew that and was ok with it but then starting hinting he wanted more. I denied him at first but eventually warmed up to him. He started to do nice little things for me and showed me he cared and paid attention to me. He would surprise me with little dates, gifts or practical things I needed. I would get good morning texts everyday and checked on throughtout the day...I’m speaking in past tense but all of these things still happen and on an even bigger scale now but he doesnt want to be in a relationship and I dont understand him. I did reject the idea at first but about a month or two later I told him I had feelings for him and he completely acted like he didnt talk to me about a relationship and tried to make me think I was confused. I showed him text messages and told him things he said to me...even when we went to the movies and he was talking about how he was going to teach his kids to swim (it was a reference to something in the movie) and he included me in his fantasy, as the Mother. Ive talked to him twice about it and tried to push him away but he comes back and tells me what I want to hear. I dont know though, the last time we spoke about it, he told me he didnt know what he wanted and that hes trying to figure out if he wants a relationship. He said hes used to women trying to be with him because they want to live off him but he likes that I dont try any of that with him. He likes that I have my own goals and plans for my career and life and supports me all the way but he needs time to figure himself out. I told him to do it by himself and not waste my time. He told me he wants me to be patient with him and he promises that he isnt wasting my time, thats its not just about sex. Then he referred to himself as a broken, rough flower that I can prune and water to my perfection and liking...I dont agree with that viewpoint. I dont think that I need to put in this much work and turn you into what I want. Shouldnt I like you for who you are? Shouldnt you be giving me all the communication, time and vulnerability I want and give too? Why must I be subjected to bullshit first before I get the man I deserve? No. I wont settle for that. I wont do it. There are plenty of other men out there and I know the mature, put-together, driven, loving man I seek is out there. I dont have to settle on someone because they like the idea of having me but still want to party and talk to more than one female at a time. 

I decided that I would give him a chance until I leave Texas. I am currently making plans like I’m single because I FUCKING AM and I will not let a man keep me in a place I dont want to be if he is not sacrificing anything for me. So, I’m waiting to see if he is warming up but at the same time not stopping my progress. If I end up needing to leave and he still aint tryna do shit with me then adios senor. At this point, I feel like he’s a better friend than a boyfriend for me. He has helped me alot. He has helped me fix my credit, paid my rent (without being asked) when I was going through it with BWW, bought me toiletries and encouraged me throughout these last months about my future but there is no emotional connection. He isnt there for me emotionally and there is no passion between us. I just don’t want to be with someone that has it all but can’t be emotionally there for you and does the bare minimum to keep you around. He’s not a bad guy, I just dont think he wants me like that and I dont want to waste my time. I’m finally ready to be in love and I want to do it with someone that makes my heart dance. He just makes my heart ache.

With that being said, my plans are changing by the day but currently I have five options. The first (chronologically) is to stay with my friend who referred me to BWW. We met at PFC’s in October/November. My original plan was to get another job, not renew my lease and get a room for rent while I save for a downpayment on a car. I wanted to put all my things in storage and take my time looking around for a nicer apartment that I felt was right for me. This apartment I currently live in, I rushed into to get away from a shitty relationship and I want better for myself. That plan slightly changed because I wasnt making money and stuck between jobs. So my friend told me I could stay with her as long as I needed. I was happy but quickly decided that it was a bad idea. I got to know her more and she is all over the place and does a lot of stupid things. She’s young, constantly quitting jobs, playing guys for their money, letting stupid boys break her heart, trying any kind of drug and no realistic plan for her future. She also has a quick temper, blows things out of proportion and is reckless. She texted me one day saying that she was going to move to florida and that I could take over her lease if I wanted. Then that plan changed and she doesnt know when shes leaving and keeps changing what shes doing. Then she got fired from her job and got pregnant by a dumb boy that I kept warning her to stay away from. I decided to look into other options. Havent told her and I dont plan on it, just going to keep it moving and avoid that train-wreck of a situation. 

My next option is to move into another coworkers house. She lives with her brothers and mother. Her mother travels a lot for work and currently is gone until the end of May. I would be renting out the master bedroom and bathroom for 600/month. Its a really nice, big house but I would have to leave at the end of may which is fine because I do want my own place asap. This last year living by myself has been wonderful and exactly what I’ve needed my whole life lol. I’m not afraid to live alone and sleep alone. It’s peaceful and I’ve done a lot of self-discovery. I stay organized and have all the space and quiet I need from the outside world. 

My third option is to stay with a friend and her boyfriend. The have a spare bedroom, are quiet and I hangout with them every now and again. It would be nice to stay with them because I know them a little more and they are much closer to my job than my other coworker is. Also, she works at PFC’s still so sometimes we could carpool and that would save me money on lyft.

The fourth option is to stay with my older sister in Jax. She called me last night and we talked for about 4-5 hours. We always do that. We wont speak for months and then just have a whole random purge one night lol. Anyway, after I caught her up on my life, she told me that she would help me in any way she could. She would send me money and if I wanted to, I could come live with her and the kids until I get on my feet. Her saying that lifted such a huge weight off my shoulders. She always has my back and I love her so much. I really feel that I may end up tying up all my finaical loose ends here and moving back to Florida with her. I never wanted to go back to Jacksonville but sometimes you need to take a step back to be able to move forward and it’ll be nice to finally meet my niece and nephew. And I havent seen my sister since she left for the Navy. We both went through so much pain and so many changes after that...It will feel good to have her around and rebuild our bond. I miss her so much. 

My last option is one that I hope to never have to do, because it brings me so much anxiety, and that is to talk to one on my aunts, on my dad’s side, and ask if I can live with them. I’m confdent that they would say yes but man...I’m not ready for all that. Theres too much baggage and unpacking I need to do before I can fully immerse myself into them. I want to eventually reunite and start creating a relationship but I know I need to do it on my own terms and from a distance for my own sanity. I’ll write more on that in it’s own entry. 

Well, thats where I’m at right now. Just waiting on this coronavirus to die down and see where that leaves me. Wish me luck.

[vile-monster]

heres some fake predictions for the rest of ososan season 2!

-choromatsu joins a feminist club to nab some poon, fails miserably and is kicked out for being a pervert, starts a MRA club, someone gets stabbed

-matsus learn to drive to become independent. car wrecks ensue

-kara watches jyushi practice baseball when some girls admire his muscles or something. kara is so fucking impressed, together they decide to get ripped. they give up after thirty minutes at a gym and instead just... i dont know get hooked on drugs. wait isnt that the plot of an always sunny episode

-karabita episode. karabita segment. k-karabita interaction? maybe? please @ studio pierrot the two are SOULMATES all i want is for karamatsu to be at the oden stand & call chibita something affectionate and for chibita to just stare at him wide-eyed & blushing for a second before calling him an idjit and moving on. that's all i ask. please

-the matsus literally murder a man and have to find out what to do with the body. the man is either played by hijirisawa and its light and comical, or a regular normal extra and the whole thing is immensely dark until the very end. cannibalism ABSOLUTELY occurs. dayon probably just vores the guy in the end.

-the matsuno house floods. some insurance specialist comes to check out the damage. and she's a hot, busty woman. the matsus try desperately to romance her. she's not having it.

-ichimatsu becomes a were-cat and learns its not as fun as he would have imagined.

-the sextuplets meet a group of 6 girls who like them for some inexplicable reason but eventually get really annoying & naggy, matsus try to get rid of them but all of the things they do just make the girls like them more

-iyami is arrested for like public indecency or something minor and he goes to court. he's treated like a murderer and there are a bunch of testimonies from matsus/chibita/et cetera. he's sentenced to death because of how shitty all the testimonies were and he yells 'sheeeh'

-valentines day episode, ends with the matsus getting pity chocolates from totoko and being absolutely ecstatic about it. they did a halloween segment, they did a christmas episode, so this is a  badboy on which i might actually be betting 

-dayon says 'dayon' a few times and idk gets meta or something

[akria23]

I'm so I keep having these nightmares...

Where I get shot and I feel it like a bitch and wake up with pain still there. I've read that being shot could mean a lot of shit like if you get shot and you die (or go towards death cause we tend to wake up before last breath) then it's you trying to kill off something within yourself or some shit (if it's one shooter). Also read that when you wake up in pain it's because you're already sleeping in a way that brings pain to your body and so your brain just creates a scene in your dreams to make sense of the pain. I don't know if I believe that though. When I have nightmares - haha I love saying that like I have any fucking thing else - there's usually comes a time within the dream where I become aware it's a dream. Even though I'm aware it's a dream it still feels real, even as my brain picks out the things that are weird everything that's happening - the big stuff- feels real. The emotions are still there. I don't see how some of my body parts that are the focus of of pain in the dreams could be also happening in the outside world already. Also don't get the emotional residue. I know I can influence my dreams by thoughts prior to sleep. And that issues in life follow you into sleep - I often try to interpret my dreams, some are easier while others make no sense. Like a week ago, I had a dream that me and my family were stuck in traffic trying to switch lanes to get on - so there was a monkey on a motorcycle (this is where my brain starts noticing the oddities) who seemed indecisive about moving so I told my mom to just go and slide in that she has to take a spot so she does and it ends up cutting this other car off. Everything's cool the scene flips to us parked outside of my grandmother's house my mom is gone she went to get something I don't know what. A man overs over sticks a gun in the car and kills my brother in the passenger seat - another marker because no one is allowed passenger if I'm in the car and not driving - it's a head shot, for some reason I had perfect angle at the sight Ben though I'm short as hell and would not have seen the result the way I did with the headrest. I got out the car screaming for my mother not to come out to go hide. I get shot in the leg. I end up crawling into the ditch tunnel. I guess I passed out cause next thing I know I'm awake crawling to my mother whose been shot but I can't remember how many times she was shot. She was still alive though. Then today I dream we're at the hospital or some grand hotel...my brain couldn't differentiate it was like a weird mixture. I was back at the car because I had forgot something but there was this guy in a blue car staring at me. He had sunglasses but it still felt like he was starring at me. So I felt quickly. I was back in my mother's room and I looked out the window because paranoia. I see this pair of feet (white shoes) sticking out the backseat of our car. Like someone was searching for something. I tell my mom but when she looks she insist there's nothing wrong. I leave all my stuff in the car so I'm worried about it getting stollen so I get a guard to come with me to the car 😒 for some reason her son is there too. We get down to the car spaces and for some reason I don't see or better said dont recognize my car. After a little panic I see the car the guard is leaning on. We look in the car and it's wrecked it's obvious someone was searching for something. The seats are bent and cut up. I remember the the guard saying something about paraphernalia and saying we wouldn't keep drugs in the seat or some shit (drugs wouldn't even be in my car cause I don't smoke at all). Then then there was a cop running towards us. He was the guy...but also now dressed like a cop. The lady tells us to run so I do and then I remember thinking wouldn't it be ironic to get shot in the neck ( actually it's the space between the neck and shoulder) that's def from the outside world cause I saw an article where lady got shot in the same spot. And way so I get shot right there a second later. And then my moms there and she's talking to me and I'm dying. Like I know without a doubt I'm dying. I can feel the blood. My shoulder is locking up and my body starts to shake and the pain has gone down from the top to my lower back. It was slow and sudden at the same time. And this isn't one of my usuals where my brain just knows it's locked within a dream so I'm telling myself to wake up while trying to force myself to breath at the same time. No this is the kind that my brain seems confused is real. So I try to get myself to see it's a dream. That's a whole other kind of panic. It's weird waking up and laying there for a minute with the pain like you've actually been hurt and with the emotional making you feel heavy. And the emotional always stays longer than the pain. These two dreams still make no sense to me. And I would shrug them off to being about current events like the craziness that's going on in America but I don't think that's exactly it. Yeah I do think those are some of the influencing factors but for some reason the dreams seem to tie together. No necessarily part 1 and part 2 of each other. The 'bad guy' was not the same nor did their motives seem to align. The highlighted parts seem to matter. The endings. The keys in the second dream - while looking at the damage in the car I noticed the keys in the cup holder, I'd been so afraid I'd let them. The guy didn't even have to break into the car. Looking at the keys made me feel weird in that moment for some reason. My mom over me talking. I can't remember what she was saying but I remember being sad before the pain really started kicking in. I don't know even in the waking it felt like something big had transpired. I don't know if that's just the whole dying process of what. Wish I had a dream interpreter at my disposal.

[v1pr1celess-blog]

Hello my name is Brooke and I'm a recovering addict. Here's my story. I grew up in the small town of Cortland. Today’s the day, court. So I'd thought I'd share the reason I got here. A couple things may happen i get sent away somewhere or i stay home. Who knows. Everyone thinks I’m headed back the way i was a few months ago, back to where i started. Im scared but im prepared. Whatever happens is to better who i am and who i’ll become, because who ive been is not so good. You want to know something? Well Ima tell you either way. I have so much to say… So much… Let me start with my a letter I wrote to my love: " here's my story. Thanks one I’ve built without you. In my rehab i was just at (dear old Rose Hill. Rose Hill taught me everything I needed to do to do well in life and brought me to this moment.) We write both an autobiography and a disease curve. This shows the events and patterns that led me to that day, a month ago. To today, even. For example; exes. (Tyler, Devon, and Max, more specifically) I wish i wasn't around for Tyler or just missed him at least but i dont know and I can't control the fact he happened. Devon and max are more recent and less relevant right now. These boys are my horrible, self-destructive decisions for boyfriends who were honestly probably just around to wreck me. What’s so wrong with them? Let me tell you. Well, Tyler was the worst of the bunch (Devon was just annoying and rude and over-protective to almost a mentally abusive level and well, Max sold me out for drugs for himself and used me for personal gain, but Tyler definitely made it the worst.) Tyler James. Fuck him. He was mentally, verbally, emotionally, and frequently physically abusive. I used to say he didn’t mean it, but somewhere in his brain, im sure he did it on purpose. For control. He brought me into my drug habit, he started it all. Marijuana, alcohol, pills, followed eventually by K2. Fuck that too. He was there when I OD’ed and was there when the ambulance came, but he wasn’t there to call or help me when I needed it. He was there,but he wasn’t. I was dead for still an unknown amount of time, me seizing on the floor, turning purple, not breathing, and throwing up continuously. What did he do? Watched and continued smoking. The downstairs neighbor (who we later discovered was Ethan.) called the ambulance because he felt something was wrong. He made me run-away from home telling me all these lies of better times and places and people that did nothing but make things worse for everyone. Started a terrible habit of fleeing from my problems, really. Hell, he got me sent to non-secure detention for running and then the RTF for 10 months because of running after my discharge. That’s when I finally left him, thank God. Well, for good at least. Every other attempt, which happened at least weekly, left him in the bathroom trying to kill himself, causing my push-over self to tip in and let him come back making promises of “I’ll never leave” because I didn’t want to be the cause of someone’s death. Every single time. He was insane and brought me right along with him. Like I said, Devon and Max aren’t as relevant- just annoying fiends who’d use me because they knew i’d give the world and more to the ones I love. Devon took control of who I was, molding me to his own image of what he wanted; burning the person I should've become. Max, he introduced me into drugs. Bad. It started on February 15th 2017, when I was with my dear friend Jake. It was about 11 pm and I just got discharged from a long term placement on December 23rd 2016, an RTF at the house of good shepherd. I just reearned trust I needed to show I deserved- so anyways, i was walking around and ran into Jake. Jake was higher than a kite on who knows what. He was in bad shape so I walked with him to make sure he was safe. I worried bad. Jake went to buy some stuff off Max and never paid and for some reason gave max my Facebook, which led him to hit me up and tell me what happened later that night. One thing to another and he invited me over to hang out with him the next day; which I skipped out on. 3 days pass and I'm a sucker for boys so I gave in and went over to his house. He and his friend Matt were there and invited me to join them in a "sauce party". Molly dabs. Oh God was that a bad decision to say yes. But of course, I said yes. I saw max everyday and did this with them. I ran to Cicero for 4 days and continually did cocaine and he led me to trying meth and different pills and lots of alcohol and more and more molly. What a terrible time. I stayed up for 9 days straight at my friend's house with no contact with my parents (only being 17, in family court for fleeing home, this posed an issue) and I was on Xanax, molly, alcohol, and the occasional marijuana. It ended in fights. Max got beat up by his other friend Matt who I punched to get Matt to stop, and then ended with max leaving me and getting robbed and his ass beat again by my friend cook because cook was higher than us and tweaking out bad. The cops picked us up at the local 7/11 on my missing person report to be taken to the hospital for immediate drug test due to my eccentricity and extreme high. I was flipping out and refusing to go, but if I didn't I may have gotten arrested... Sooner. On April 15th 2017 I did get arrested, hopefully the end to my tirade. But with no luck. I was detained for manufacturing and conspiracy of methamphetamines. I didn't do it, honest to God. I took myself to rehab at "the hill" (June 29th 2017) and got some help. 83 days later, September 16th 2017 I was discharged successfully and i continues to mess up. To a lesser degree, of course. Subtle fuck ups. And here I am today, free from jail doing so much better thanks to my boy, Joel. He's keeping me strong and getting me through some shit I can't do alone. Thank you.

[saltinerunner45]

1 to 100

You can Ask💖

Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise is nicer I think, you get to see the world wake up

Are you mentally ill? depressed but ive had worse lol

Are you physically ill? nope

What is the most expensive thing you have bought? The most expensive thing that I have bought is probably my computer, but I did it in peices and built it so it was cheaper

Do you have a job? I work in a kitchen

Are you in school? Trying to pay off my debt so I can finish up this semester

Are you a dropout? nope

Are you in college? See 6

Introvert or extrovert? I fake being an extrovert very well lol

What do you think when you look at your body? its a work in progress. not what I want it to be but not awful

What have others said when they look at your body? My best friend said that they could tell I was working out, that definition was starting to appear

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? A few

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? During Relays when I was in highschool. we shattered our school record for the 4x4 and wrecked everyone in our heat :3

Are you confident wearing a bikini? As a man I feel a lot would be hanging out lol

Can you look people in the eyes while talking? only if I know them well. otherwise I look at their forheads

Has anything terrible happened to you? ive had a very fortunate life

Has anything wonderful happened to you? Many things

Favorite part of your personality? my ability to laugh at unfortunate situations that occur to me

Least favorite part of your personality? overthinking 

Favorite part of your body? dont really have a favorite

Least favorite part of your body? I dont like my knees showing

Favorite quote? Oh fuck I have so many but a relevent one of late is “I wouldnt ask you to lean on me if I wasnt prepared to fall with you”-Willam Chapman

Do you have friendships with all genders? If your a good person to me then I consider you a friend

Do you have a good relationship with your father? I do

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? I do

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? 2/3 of them

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? no

Have you ever had a near death experience? a few times, but I walked away from all of them

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life? no

Have you ever tried to take your own life? I almost did in highschool

Biggest lie you have told? lol not answering this one

Do you follow any conspiracies? na

Do you believe in a New World Order? na

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run? you can respect something but not agree with it

Is there currently any strife in your country? jfc yes

Have you ever been displaced within your country? no

Are your friendships healthy? I try not to keep toxic people around me

Are you currently fighting with a friend? Kind of

Are you jealous of a friend? Why? Yes, and because im inadequate 

Do you believe in the Illuminati? no

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who? ^

How can people tell you are nervous? Im probably cracking my nuckles and my head is on a swivel 

How can people tell you are sad? Idk. im not sad in public often

Do you ever express your true feelings? Rarely

Regrets in your life? many

Achievements in your life? I left HS holding a few track records so  thats cool

What did people say about you in school? Probably that I was nice and good for a laugh

What did you say about people in school? Nice things for the most part

Is there something you have never told anyone? Of course

Have you committed an illegal act? Oh im sure, but not many/often

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? pay off my student debt and then put the rest towards a house for my parents

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18? To become a biologist

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? I dont remember it, only who it was with (and she just had a baby shower this week)

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? average-low. I didnt do a lot of class trips and stuff cause we didnt have a lot of money.

Are you from a broken marriage? no

Have you been raised by a solo parent? no

Do you know both your parents? yes

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have? Brown/Hazle, Black and pasty white lol

Have you abused drugs or alcohol? no

What languages can you speak? English, some ASL

Do you conform to your societies standards? mostly

Do you cry often? On average Rarely

Do you tell people what you think of them? Only if its nice

Are you comfortable accepting compliments? I usually laugh them off

Are you comfortable giving compliments? yes

Is any mental illness hindering your life? no

Is any physical illness hindering your life? no

Do you keep up with current events? no

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read? A body was found on Mount Greylock when we were hiking it

What have you done today? Sifted flock for warhammer lol

Do you sleep well? usually

Do you sleep badly? I did this weekend

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting? unfortunately yes

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting? yes

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why? yeah, cause they got with my girlfriend and then up and left her a month later

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves? yes

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself? I have never self harmed

Do you like your laugh? yes

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind? lol no

Do you have any funny family stories? a few yes

Are you religious? no

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies? If they are on

Are you interested in cults? no

Would you like to raise a family in your country? If I ever had a family I guess

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got? the only thing I can think of rn is the spiderman web shooters with the silly string. my parents got us ones that shot like badmitton birdies instead (which to be fair i dont blame them for not wanting sillystring all over their house)

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling? its me, a brother a year younger,  a sister 8 years younger and my brother 12 years younger

Are you from a blended family? no

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not? absolutely, why wouldnt you want to spend the rest of your life with your best friend

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you? i dont know man

Do you keep a journal? I started to last year but na

Would anyone be hurt by reading it? i dont think so

Do you have children? no

Have you been pregnant? no

List your favorite movies? Lucky Number Slevin, the worlds end, the matrix

List your favorite people? Rachel, David, and Marcus are my best friends

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body? no birthmarks, and the only noticeable scars are on my back. There is a little/faded scar on my nose from when i was mauled my a dog

Do you look after yourself? poorly

Do you put yourself or others first? Others, or at least I try to

Are you happy today? not really

Are you loved? There are people who care about me yes

Who asks all 100 questions lol

[constantgamer]

Missing Out on My Good-bye

I spent my entire youth in the company of close friends. My family moved from city to city chasing my dad's dream. He did very well for himself and he made sure that I was fed, safe, and educated. I was such a good boy, In every picture I see, because I honestly cant remember that far back, I am smiling like a goofy kid. As they years go by in photographs I can see my smile fading. I dont know what started it, but I can remember the first day I went bad. I was 17, it had frozen and school was canceled. My dickhead boss that paid me $1.75 per hour called me and said I had to come to work. I knew I was supposed to go in, but for the first time I chose not to do something I was supposed to do. I didnt call or try and make up an excuse, I just didnt. We didnt have cell phones then so getting a hold of someone who wasnt at home and didnt show up to work was impossible. I sat in my beat up ford escort in the parking lot next door to my job and smoked cigarettes and listened to the radio for about an hour. Then I went home, and on the way I felt anxiety about how much trouble I would be in when I arrived and my dad had found out I didnt go in. Walked in the door, mom said some greeting but didnt look mad, walked past the office and dad didnt say a word. I went upstairs and sat down at my desk and I remember every time the phone rang, Pins and Needles. But my boss didnt call. I ate dinner, showered, talked on the phone, and then went to bed. I remember thinking, man that was sooooooo easy, I got worked up for nothing. That was I guess the beggining of my downward slide. There is this mental structure your parents can discipline into you, a fear of failure. If everytime you fail they yell at you, the anticipation of being yelled at prevents you from giving up. However, once you cross that line and you realize that there isnt really anything wrong with saying fuck it, its all a social mind fuck, failing isnt scary. And boy did I test the limits, the next day I just didnt go to school. I left like I was going to school, but stopped in a neighborhood nearby and smoked cigarettes and listened to the radio. Wrote myself a doctors not and signed it with my own signature, and then walked into the school, gave the note to my assistant principle and then walked out. The note said I had contracted a serious illness of a personal nature and that I would require an undetermined number of days off school, and that my school work and lessons were to be collected every week and that I would study from home. And they fucking bought it. Both my folks worked so all I had to do was waste time until they would be gone come home and get on with doing what I wanted. Fuck me, what a dumb ass thing to do. The longer I didnt go to school the more difficult it became to go back. Sure I was picking my work up but I hadnt done any tests or in class work. I kept up in all honesty every few days I would hit the books for an hour and get the basics. About 2 months went by, I was stressed every day I was sure my house of cards would colapse, but it didnt. Not because I was a genious, which I sure thought, but because nobody really knew or remembered me. A transfer kid from another state, no friends, no memories. I remember the day it fell apart, I did what I had done for 5 months, school was going to be out for summer so I needed to get back in. I had already thought about how to rejoin the school, I was just going to go to class early one day and sit down like I had been going the whole time and wing it. But every day came and went and I just hid from my own stupidity. So I left, drove around wasting time, parked my car in the driveway, walked in the back door and up the stairs and I heard my dads voice and froze. He was home sick, and I was busted. He looked at me and asked why I wasnt in school, I said something like I hate it or I dunno. My dad looked at me funny, like I wasnt his kid, shock I guess. So he grabbed me by the arm and said your going to school. I knew it was going to be bad, I tried to have my dad drop me off, and he just drove right up to the front door and said that we had to explain the situation. I will admit for a teenage fuckup I was sharp. I told my dad that I went to the nurses office and that I had an illness of a personal nature and got a pass to leave for the day, and that if he said I was better and returning that I wouldnt get in trouble. We walked into my principles office and he looked at me like I remember you, but I dont at the same time. My dad said my son is feeling better and can go back to class. Principle said okay, well we are glad he is feeling better, thanks for letting us know, dad said is there anything else that needs to be done, principle said nope, I got up started to walk out thinking I was the greatest schemer of all time. And then my principle remembered who I was. He said wait, how many days have you been absent and started punching keys, my dad said oh he was just out for the first class today , hes feeling better, and that was that. I fessed up before they delved any deeper, I remember feeling so calm as I explained everything. Loosing my job, thinking I would just take a week off, and the days turned to weeks and then to months. The strangest thing happened, my principle got up and calmly shut his office door and pulled the blinds closed. He sat down right in front of ne and my dad and said.. This is not going to work out well for me, for you, or you. Thats right, there is a law that says I had to go to X number of days in a school year and I was way short. I hadnt really thought that when I sold my principle that lie that it was his job to catch me. And that he failed to notice or check back on the situation. He was trying to be a board member of education or some crap. He blatantly spoke of how he would not get the spot if word of what I had done got out. He then asked to speak with my dad alone and I was happy to get out of there. I ran out front and started chain smoming cigarettes. About 20 mins later my dad came out. He said alright, you are supposed to go to class, if anyone asks you were sick and are better now. And I thought to myself wow thats it. My dad must have seen me smile and said, your going to be sorry. I had to stay at school for 5 hours every day after classes. I had to do anything they asked, like clean desks, or log books, fill oyt paperwork, clean stuff, repair stuff, paint stuff. Anything they could think of I had to do. I had to take a series of tests for each class to prove I knew the material. And then after school got out for the summer I had to do so much work. I became an indentured servant to the school from 8 to 8. I managed to fullfill the requirements my principle laid out and they gave me a diploma and let me walk. At home it was more of the same, grounded no phone, no tv, no outside. I had no friends, and a sense that I was separated from those around me. After that I was never the same, I fucked up every opportunity I was given and nobody cared. I failed out of college, wasted a lot of ny dads money,. Tried to go back and wasted my own money. I jumped from job to job, never really got any respect, I have never owned a home, found a girl worth marrying wbich almost saved me but she died in a car wreck, and we had no kids. In the fall of my life I just now realized how far from the beaten path I strayed. I have no friends, or love interests, no skills, or education. I am addicted to drugs, and lieing, staying up late and good at going unoticed. I cant go back and fix my life, and I cant move forward in my current situation. I try and get a job that pays enough to support myself but nobody will hire me, its as if they can see through my paper lies and dont want me. I think I am going to end my terrible run of things soon I am so tired of being a failure. My dad looks at me like I am not his son, he stopped trying to motivate me a long time ago. Everyone that is a part of my life wontvlook me in the eyes. I see pity and sorrow in the faces of my life. This situation is of my own doing, and I blame nobody but myself. I honestly just dont want to be alive anymore. Watching everyone around me getting married, and promoted, becoming a dad, creating something, matterung to someone. All I feel is pain and remorse, and a feeling that I missed out. I think its time for me to depart this hell my life has become and get some answers to some questions I have been wondering about for some time. I thought about something today which I think is what will give me the strength I need to accomplish what I am planning to do next. Its been over 3 years since I felt the touch of another human beings skin on my own. No hugs or kisses, no hand in hand, no arm around the waist. I go to sleep alone, wake up alone, and the only people I communicate with are on the web and dont know me. My biggest regret is that I really wanted to be someones dad. I wanted to provide what my father gave me to a copy of myself like he did. But that time has cone and gone too. My advice to anyone who reads this is to make sure anyone you love knows it. You can never tell if you are saying your last goodbye or not.