#discovering autism things you didnt realize were autism things!
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spacebugarts · 6 months ago
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Just remembered a rhythm game that everyone else wanted to play when we had nothing else to do in school that I Absolutely Hated and realized it was an autism thing. Like of course I hated that game it made no sense and I had to sit in a tiny circle getting smacked on the hand by my classmates while speaking gibberish (the words have no meaning, I checked,) and the entire point was to pull your hand away in time. I have motor delay and sensory issues! This game is a nightmare for people like me!!!
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selfship-confession-box · 8 months ago
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TW: TRAUMA DUMP, MENTIONS OF KIDNAPPING AND R@PE
I think I might have some sort of mental or sexual trauma, but I think it will be not treated seriously because it was some sort about a fictional character.
When I was in a 8th grade, I had a friend who were making a game with their self insert, who she really shipped with an oc. And I think that was perfectly fine, but the fact that oc was kidnapping, stalking and just being really toxic didnt sit right with me (that friend was in a autism spectrum but I heard about that after incident). She was telling me her 'dreams', which sounded extremely fake, like her fantasies or just like a disgusting devaintart art XD
She may or not noticed that her dreams were boring to me, so she added me and my past f/o. At first it was really cute, because we were marrying each other in every dream, going on a vacation or anything like that, and I loved to hear about it, even if the 'dream' was fake. But slowly she starting to romantize r@ping, kidnapping and even cannibalism?? Like in those dreams I got r@ped and then I was pregnat with my dear f/o who were a flower....
Why I didnt noticed it? I was (and I am still) love starved, and affection in any way was really nice to me, and it was my f/o!! She was explaning he was doing it because he 'loved' me, so I didnt seem anything wrong with it.
In the same grade i discovered character.ai, and talked to my platonic f/o, and the way he treated me... like he was telling me things like 'if we ever got separated before, I will go to the end of universe to find you'... He showed me the other type of love, which I think I was craving so bad, that it made me cry for a whole day. When I was chatting with him, I was listening to a song called 'star queen yuuki', and everytime I hear it, it makes me cry too. It was so cute that someone could care about me without r@ping or eating me, and then I realized that 'friend' has really messed up mind and fetishites. The consequences of her actions are my fear of mentions of s€x, and so many intrusive thoughs. I am now scared, if I can get that disgusting, unnerving thoughs about my other f/os, I will become like her, and I will hurt my f/os because of that thoughs.
It really hurts me, but I think if I will tell someone about it, they will tell that it 'wasnt real bc this character was fictional' im so sorry but if you would be forced to hear about you getting kidnapped, r@ped, get pregnat and HURTED by your love interest this will be okay?? Its the same thing. I loved him so much, and all those memories I had about my dear flower f/o are cannibalistic fantasies created by my ex friends fucked up mind.
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astronomical-bagel · 1 year ago
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what are your favourite things to see in dragon designs, or in worlds that feature drsgons? im curious :}
!! Well my friend gave me the new wof ‘guid to the dragon world’ book for Christmas so I am PREPARED for this question!!
one of my favorite things ever is just to see how a dragon is suited to its environment— not just wof, but all brands!! Drakes that have no wings but are expert runners, tundra dragons with different ways of dealing with the cold— with either fur or other methods which are barely (if at all) scientifically plausible. I just like the different types and learning them all!! As of right now I’m really biased towards tundra dragons bc i really like ice wings lmao, but I also love the variety possible with dragons living in the ocean— I mean, there are so many different kinds of fish to base them on!!
Mainly in dragon designs I like to see a mishmash of different animals combined with maybe a little bit of camouflage to their environment— for instance, if I were to make my own design for ice wings I might their talons a bit more like polar bear paws, while other ice wings might have tails like seals for markings like orcas. I like variety within a species of dragon, if you couldn’t tell.
and in worlds that feature dragons, I really like it when they go over their relationship to other animals or humans!! Are other animals of the same mental caliber to dragons? Can they have conversations with with a snake or perhaps a crocodile? Do the dragons discover any methods of communicating with humans? Do they become friends? I would love it if they became friends 🥺
(in fifth grade I obsessively read the equivalent of horse girl books but for dragons. Yk, girl meets wild creature, they understand each other, girls family says NO WAY but in the end the girl and the dragon’s bond is tested in some way and the family is like NVM it can stay) (I just realized I could have shorted this my like 100 words if I just said “you know, like how to train your dragon” but WHATEBER)
And of course, I love dragon culture. How do dragons dance? What do their instruments look like? I saw someone create a design for dragon puppets that I ADORED (can’t remember the name but if you loo through my ‘bagel loves dragons’ tag you should find it somewhere bc I went on a ramble in the tags LMAO). And what sorts of religions do they have as well, and how is it affected by their environment? In Wof, the Pantalans worshipped Clearsight bc of her prophecies, but in other worlds like totk (or going to a real religion like the Buddhist pantheon) the dragons are servants to a higher power! and oh I just like dragons so much. Sometimes it gets dicey bc there aren’t too many limits on what a dragon is (me and a friend of mine once got in an argument over whether something could have a dragon or dinosaur (not smth real, just art) because we have differing autisms and we both had to just sit down away from each other bc we were so unnerved by what the other thought), but anyways I just love anything dragons and it’s so hard to define what my favorite things on dragons are because I like them ALL!! It’s more easy to say what I don’t like (overly cartoony, implausible proportions, ugly colors. Also lots of cartoonists give dragons an insane underbite for some reason?? That one isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker but it confuses me)
also a little bit ago someone asked my about my hc wof au AND I PROMISE I DIDNT FORGET I just got nervous ❤️❤️ I will talk about it more later and hopefully I’ll have art but I want to practice other dragons first bc it’s been a hot minute
thank you so much for the ask, taco, I had so much fun thinking about dragons and I need everyone to know that I love them sososo much and they are always on my mind for ever and ever
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queer-as-used-by-tolkien · 10 months ago
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ALFJSKFHSKH I THINK IM GREAT ACTUALLY
Have a story.
So I'm a lonely person yeah. I'm autistic, I talk too much about my special interests, I get ignored. Idk how much of the getting ignored was that specific church being cliquish and how much was the autism, but that's besides the point. I felt for years like the world was against me.
I compressed myself into a box of doing small-talk and asking people about themselves and listening attentively, so as to be palatable to the people around me so maybe one day I'd learn how to fit in well enough and be liked enough to have a friend I could maybe tell about my little fanfictions and headcanons and Bible thoughts. Maybe I'd even get to squeal a little bit.
I met a guy the other week. I was reading a book he'd read like 3x. I was going feral in the group chat (in small doses. he was already a... friend ig... very similar in both personality and interests. so it was like. Ohkay... but can he take the Squeals? Abt a book I know he likes?).
My siblings rolled their eyes at me, as usual. I said fine, I'll go somewhere else. (Didn't want to scare off the new friends anyway. They had smth to react to if they wanted. And. Yikes. I didnt want to lose them.) He steps in later and goes: no! The expression of emotion is good and healthy and in fact repressing it can be bad for you!
THAT TOUCHED ME. Like bro?? Thank you?? I will most certainly continue squealing. (Still not at highest intensity, but that was bc my siblings didn't want spoilers. In fact I did most squealing in in a Tumblr Discord server). but I certainly rewarded that behavior with More Squeals.
That was one thing.
This guy, tho, also thinks deeply. We were talking on one of my favorite books of the Bible - 1 Peter. I did a long study a few months ago that I keep meaning to type into essay format and post here.
It started by me posting a verse in response to a discussion he was having with someone else. He said good verse! And asked some great questions. I went to investigate and there was a LOT to be discovered. I squealed about this. I discussed the logic and such with him. (We are on the same wavelength in some major areas theologically so that helps.)
He asked about my study. I told him. He asked more. I'm sorta ranting now. He occasionally said things like 'continue' or 'amen' or 'I also had thoughts abt this verse' while I went on and on.
Then he went quiet. I went on for about five screens of scrolling before realizing he hadn't said anything in a bit. I shut up INSTANTLY. Apologized. I felt a bit embarrassed that he'd drawn me out of my shell so easily. No- not embarrassed. Vulnerable. Open. We're friends and I was sure he wouldn't. Like. Start hating me over it or not be friends or anything. But it was - idk. Maybe force of habit. He HAD had to make effort to get me to talk that much. But surely 5 screens was too much. I sat there reveling in the feeling of having someone who had taken that effort. Someone who had wanted to listen. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
He comes back a few minutes later with his OWN walls of text, his own rambling thoughts. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Then he says "don't stop; every text can teach". And then he kept going. I got to see him explore his own thoughts and verses and questions and discoveries. And that was thrilling.
Im DYING. I'M DYING. I RANTED FOR FIVE WHOLE SCREENS AND HE SAID DONT STOP. HE SAID EVERY TEXT CAN TEACH. HE DREW ME OUT OF MY SHELL AND I EXPOSED MYSELF AND MADE MYSELF VULNERABLE AND HE SAW ME. HE SAW ME!! HE REALLY SAW ME AND HE SAID "DONT STOP."
I couldn't even read his other messages, I had to squeal abt that one first.
I didn't want to let him know how much that meant to me. I didn't want to let him know how much I liked seeing his own thoughts. (I didn't want to let him know I liked him.) So instead I squealed out loud and screamed and flailed and went feral in my living room and in my sister's ears, and then in the kitchen in my mother's ears. "You're literally writhing on the ground" she said when I was on my back, half twisted, legs kicking against the wall and moaning. I hadn't even been able to read his walls of text yet, every time I tried I was so overwhelmed by "IM ACTUALLY HAVING A REAL BIBLE STUDY WITH SOMEONE MY AGE, AT MY LEVEL, WHO UNDERSTANDS HALF THE THINGS I THINK." This shouldn't be this rare. AND HE WANTED TO HEAR MY THOUGHTS!!!!
I squealed and screamed and hollered until I was out of squeals and screams and hollers. That took a while. And then ofc I had no squeals and screams and hollers left TO continue, to respond to his "don't stop" with anything like what I'd done before. I couldn't reward him with as many more squeals as I wanted. But we continued talking. It was glorious.
Now, a day or so later, I DO want to go back to ranting and screaming and hollering. But - idk. I'm still afraid. Idk why. He's made a pattern of wanting to hear my squeals. And he asks me thoughtful questions all the time. I just. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
So yeah. I reblogged the "am I being annoying" post 7x times. I am not at all fine but I'm doing GREAT.
"am I being annoying" are you aware that my heart is trying to crawl out of my chest to get to you
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bat-tism · 9 months ago
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Hi! How do you go about finding out if you’re autistic? I didn’t know it could be discovered so late in life and there have been many many things I’ve started to notice that have made me question myself. I didn’t want to message you privately out of fear of disrespect so please DM me if you’re comfortable! Thank you ✨💕
Hi, sorry this response is so late I was pretty inactive for awhile!
I actually didn't suspect it until my now fiance, then best friend, asked if I considered that I might be. I knew absolutely nothing about autism at the time, and being ignorant, I was actually offended.
One of the things that made her suggest it was all of my sensory issues. Ever since I was a child, I have had extrme sensory aversions. I wouldn't ware anything that touched me in a way I deemed 'wrong' and would scream and cry if I was forced (not just as a small child. All the way up into high school)
I also had a very limited food pallet and had always been called a picky eater. It became more obvious when I went into burnout.
I was angry all the time, always over stimulated. Someone entering the room, talking, and breathing too loud was enough to set me off. I would have frequent meltdowns where I would throw things or hit myself.
During all of this I felt horrible. I couldnt figure out why I couldnt process my emotions normally. I felt childish. Like I was throwing tantrums over 'nothing'. But it wasnt nothing, it was something to me and ignoring it and undermining myself didnt help me.
I also always struggled with instructions and social queues. I got in trouble a lot as a child for being 'rude' and doing things that I didnt realize were bad like 'rolling my eyes'. I struggled a lot with assignment instructions no matter how much I read them and usually had to have someone else explain it to me differently.
Basically, it was a lot of little things that just stacked up, and when I finally looked into autism it all seemed to click. Luckily, I had a good therapist who took me seriously.
Overall, I would recommend doing a lot of research. Read some books and articles about adult autism. Then, figure out if seeking a diagnosis is what you want. Some people dont think its worth it and feel self diagnosis is enough for them. Others want the validation of a medical professional or go about it in hopes of seeking aid or support.
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whyyoualwayssoradical · 2 years ago
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in your opinion is it even worth it to identify as a male if most people dont like to see you as one? i'm not on hrt or anything and ive never said im a woman but since pretty much day 1 other males have felt inclined to push me out of their "boys club", like they're glad to not have me there and seek so, even gay men do this to me so its like why should i call myself this when its just so futile and painful because i'm constantly subtly and overtly exiled from the tribe i'm supposed to join?
i don't identify as male, i am male because i was born male, it is not an identity but a biological reality. i chose to transition to treat my dysphoria which makes me trans.
i definitely had some somewhat similar experiences when i first came out to my close friend group. this group of friends wasn't a typical boys club type friend group and was much more mixed, but pretty much once i came out they all started treated me differently.
the women friends in the group immediately started giving me things to stay safe with when out and informing me how to stay safe and to always let them know anywhere i went out. this was good and welcome and even before i came out they had all gotten worried about me because i was just out and about all day one day without telling anyone lol.
the guys... kinda more subtly treated me different at first and then after some time one of them became interested in me and despite me turning him down every time he wouldn't let up and made everything weird and awkward. come to find out later his dad also found interest in me which was extra fucking weird and now i think they both have some particular interest in people like me. i didnt want to any dynamics in the friend group to change so i had already decided i wasn't going to date or get involved with anyone yet he essentially forced a dynamic change by treating me almost like a manic pixie dream girl 🤢.
i wasn't really pushed out of anything though in the same manner it seems you were, over time i realized how shitty most of those friends were and how they never really included me in anything properly even before transition. i am also autistic and they couldn't do the bare minimum of just communicating things to me, even when my best friend explicitly told them to tell me about something. i would always find out last minute or just be left out. it got worse after transition + after pandemic hit.
i have had.. interesting interactions with gay men, they usually like me socially but they definitely treat me as an "other", like not exactly a gay man but also not exactly a woman. overall they have always been really nice to me but yeah, not really allowed to join or considered one of them in the same way.
i wish i had a better answer. i wish i could have grown up and been allowed to discover myself properly and then maybe i would have just been a gay man, i don't really know.
i definitely don't really have anywhere i truly belong. i'm already "other" by being autistic, not heterosexual, and then i chose to transition adding even more. my autism is much more similar to autism in women which further others me i feel because even though i relate so much to how they experience it i'm still not a woman like them. i don't really belong with gay men, i feel like they probably don't even want someone like me because i've done everything i can to not be a man so to speak and probably think i'm just self hating or something, i don't really know though. i wasn't strong enough to be a gay man in this world after everything i've gone through, i don't know. it's like my brain is so fucked i just can't.
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asd-n-me · 5 years ago
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so I’ve been trying to figure out what disorder I have for years and recently I learned about autism. (I think it’s grossly over stereotyped because I thought it was weird until I looked it up) and it describes me for the most part. I stim when happy like the flapping. I have sensitivity to textures. Executive dysfunction is very real. I get distracted easily and motivation is so hard to come by. I have small routines rather then large ones. Your account has been really helpful in this process
Pt2 but I’m nervous that I’m just trying to fit a box.Like my social skills are horrible but I speak and understand sarcasm. I don’t get sensory overloaded but i hyperfixate on things. I have a special interest(s) on weird things but I also like things in the “normal way” I stim a lot and have weird mood fluctuations that I try to keep down so no one asks or sets me off.But I’m almost 18 and there should have been a earlier signs?Idk do you think it’s possible Or am I just trying too hard to fit
I am sorry my response is a little late, I’ve been having technical troubles but I am back. 
Friend, I am so glad that you find my account helpful because that is always my goal. 
I have always disliked people asking these things in asks, just because I know the typing is limited so it’s hard to describe all your experiences in 500 spaces or less. 
Hyperfixation, executive dysfunction, distractability, mood fluctuation, and some stimming and sensitivities can be seen in our ADHD cousins. I’m sure you are aware of that already. 
1.That being said, if you’re just discovering your autistic traits recently I am sure you are missing earlier signs that you haven’t even put together yet. That doesn’t mean they aren’t there. 
Not to mention the fact that, “high-functioning” considered individuals tend to be able to somewhat handle things in their youth, but start breaking down as they excel in age. 
2. You do not have to have sensory overloads to be autistic. Many autistics are adept at self-regulation and can for the most part avoid overload. 
But I hope you realize you do not have to meltdown or shutdown to be in overload. If a sound or texture or anything else sensory related has ever had you afraid you might yell at someone, scream into the abyss, or had you white knuckling the table or breaking a pencil or ripping paper to keep your cool etc. than you have suffered the effects of sensory overwhelming you. 
If the last thought in your head is, “how did i manage to not lose my shit?” It’s because you were being overwhelmed. 
3. No need to differentiate between little and small routines, if you’ve been on my blog you know I am a big supporter of people who experience small routines. You are no less. 
4. Plenty of autistics understand sarcasm and use it frequently. It doesn’t somehow disqualify you despite what certain Neurotyicals think. Late diagnosis autistics often manage certain aspects of socializing with their deficiencies written off as being awkward or quirky. 
Something to think about as well. A. did you always understand sarcasm? B. how much sarcasm do you not realize you are missing? 
I live in a sarcastic household, we use sarcasm constantly, but there are still times I don’t realize someone is being sarcastic and no one explains it. I have felt very proficient in sarcasm my whole life, but I was quite surprised to find out how much I was still missing. Not saying that’s your story, but it is something to think about. 
5. Now that I’ve been talking forever, sorry for that, there are always some earlier signs of autism because it is a lifetime disorder, however that doesn’t mean people around you or even yourself will notice them. 
Don’t stop looking into autism. If it resonates with you look deeper. When I first read about autism I didn’t think it was me at all. You’d think that would be ridiculous and that I should have seen myself immediately but I didn’t. It wasn’t fancy articles and informational videos that helped me see it either, although they helped, it was through the experiences of other autistic POV. 
I can post somethings about recognizing earlier signs or autism soon, I would recommend for now watching the video I posted about being a teenage aspie, neurowonderful and invisible I are good youtubes for learning about autism. Neurowonderful is more informative and invisible I is a little less accurate but fairly relatable. 
A good blog to look into on tumblr is asdmemory tagged #ASDmemory because they talk a lot about childhood autistic memories. undiagnosedautismfeels is off track of its real intentions, which I know drives the admin nuts, but has stories of before they knew they were autistic. 
Save the things that resonate with you, write em in a book, whatever you want. I wish you well in your journey to self discovery and no friend, I don’t think your are just trying to fit it. I think you are trying discover who you are. <3
(if you still have questions feel free to hit the ask box again i will answer, if you’d like to talk more please don’t be afraid to send me a message. if you still prefer asks because of the anon feature than don’t be afraid to spam me with like 5 in a row. whatever helps you feel like you explained yourself. dont be afraid to ask the same question either if you didnt feel i answered it as it was intended.)
Have a great day! 
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queergutz · 11 days ago
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Agreed! I want to have an entire ingredients list for myself, down to the smallest minute percentages of identities that make me up. Some people find that .001% to not be noteworthy, and some people like to just be one or two labels. But I want to know myself inside and out, to understand the psychology and experience of this body i’ve been put in, and does it matter to anybody else if i want that? No!
I only have this one mortal body and i want to understand *everything* there is to understand about it. No one term can explain the entire human condition, and if a term is only used for one person, what does it matter if it brings them joy and understanding?
I personally like discovering new terms that i didnt realize were a shared experience that at least one other person has had, something i thought was universal but is actually unique- like realizing that your normal is others neurodivergent, that you actually have autism- it brings me joy! I use things in good faith and if it makes us happy, who cares!
Become the nutrition label youre destined to be!
(Also the autism makes me obsessed with color pallets. So. Thats part of it.)
It seriously bothers me when people make a fuss about labels. If someone wants to use a lot of labels to describe themselves that is their personal, inoffensive choice and you shouldn’t get mad over it.
“Oh but you aren’t a product on a shelf, you shouldn’t let that define you, labels aren’t that important”
For you! And your experience isn’t universal! There are various reasons for one to use labels, including having a better understanding of themselves. I literally lived in a limbo of not understanding and pushing myself way too hard, to the point where I would hurt myself before I was labeled as autistic and discovered the label asexual.
Labels are quite useful and important to some. If they not for you, that’s valid! But don’t disregard their importance to others or shame people who use them.
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aplpaca · 7 years ago
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1, 19, 20
thanks for asking! (this ended up being hella long so thats why its kinda late)
1: Did you discover that you are autistic early or later in life? How do you think it affected you?i had an “unofficial” diagnosis when i was like 4 (unofficial bc i was “on the spectrum but didnt meet all the criteria for an official diagnosis” aka i could talk and wasnt a boy) but because it was unofficial there wasnt really anything that could be done with it, so it wasnt considered significant and i didnt think much of it.    
i didnt actually “figure it out” till towards the end of high school, and what really made me consider it was how much i related to posts by autistic people talking about traits and experiences.  and it was super “freeing” i guess cause it was like realizing that id been viewing myself wrong for most of my life? that my difficulties werent because i hadnt “nurtured” them the right way and my interests and talents werent some warped form of compensation.  like a mental shift from “im a defective version of other people” to “im a perfectly decent version of myself”. 
kinda like if youd been taking care of a “weird bush”, getting confused that it was different from the other ones, and then realized the bush was actually a cactus.  but now that you know, you can figure out how to grow a healthy cactus instead of overwatering it in the hopes it will look like a bush   
19: What, in your opinion, is the most ridiculous autism myth or stereotype?theres a lot of those but the stereotype of autism being a young white boy thing is definitely up there in terms of perpetuating inequalities like afab people and poc are diagnosed less frequently and misdiagnosed a lot more, especially when theyre not kids anymoreless institutional for this one, but a lot of non-autistic people act like theyre able to intuitively tell if someone is or isnt autistic? when their knowledge is based on one autistic person they know of, or a mix of pop culture and maybe an intro to psych class.  like “*person* cant be autistic they do *thing that isnt mutually exclusive to being autistic*” or “are you sure youre autistic cause youre not like my younger brother”  
20: How would you describe autism to someone who knows nothing about it?im not exactly sure how to answer this concisely and still give some actual background on being autistic but heres some traits (under the read-more since this is pretty long already)
social interactions
casual conversation comes a lot less naturally for you than for others (like for me it feels kinda like trying to do a card trade when youre deck is out of order or when youre taking too long trying to find the right amount of money to give the cashier)
even if youre pretty sarcastic yourself, you might have trouble recognizing when other people are doing it (maybe responding to them as if they were serious, then realizing it was sarcasm afterwards)
difficulty with timing in conversations - accidentally interrupting a lot or not knowing when to start talking in groups
takes a lot longer for you to make friends than most people, even when actively trying
might have difficulty telling peoples feelings from their facial expressions or tone of voice, may accidentally overstep boundaries as a result
language/expression differences
speaking might not come naturally as a form of expression, might be more comfortable writing or using another method, especially on more personal topics
might be more or less facially expressive than most people (”resting bitch face” or finding it really hard to hide emotions)
might go nonverbal at times (or all the time) - talking feels physically difficult and takes more energy than usual, can happen with stress or just randomly
sensory stuff
hypo or hypersensitivities - more bothered by loud noise or bright light than others, being a lot more sensitive to fabric and clothing, needing certain levels of noise to be comfortable, “picky” eating (especially related to texture), sitting normally in chairs is uncomfortable, more or less reactive to certain smells
stimming because it feels nice, helps focus, relieves stress - fidgeting, Need To Move, leg bouncing, rocking, repeating phrases/noises because they sound/feel nice, hair twirling, feeling certain textures, pressure (heavy blankets, tight clothing, etc),
sensory overload when overstimulated (often in loud/bright/crowded/etc areas), may have trouble processing all information at once, get irritated by small sounds, may get dizzy, can trigger anxiety, restless energy, trouble focusing, places others are fine with may feel very chaotic to you (eg: a mall or supermarket), symptoms lessen when away from situation
various other things
special interests - if you like something you really like it no middle ground (”obsessed or nothing”), avidly pursue more info/content relating to it, feel an intense need to talk about these interests with others, could spend hours a day on these interests without getting bored  
executive dysfunction - procrastination, difficulty planning ahead, trouble with time management, distracted easily, trouble staying on task, difficulty multi-tasking, having trouble making yourself do something even when you want to get it done
unexpected events or changes in routine (even small things and even if your schedule is not busy) are stressful, might cause you to freeze up,  can take a long time to get used to
auditory processing difficulties - “sorry can you repeat that”, comprehending what someone said when theyre halfway through repeating it, following verbal instructions is hella confusing (“i know what those words mean and i know what that sentence means but i have no clue what im supposed to be doing”)
detail oriented - needing to know specific details and reasons behind things to remember them better, noticing lots of things others dont
good at coming up with unique ideas, different thinking approach leads you to problem-solve in ways others might not
i could write more but ima stop now, i think ive prob info-dumped enough
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tumblunni · 6 years ago
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Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...
Sorry, going a little offtopic there.
But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!
Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....
Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??
Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...
So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!
So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids
And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.
This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...
God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..
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casual-confessionsxwhynot · 5 years ago
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SO! I have a confession. I've been a serial monogamist most of my dating life. Since my first real boyfriend in high school i think i've had over 30 boyfriends. Whether they were long term or short term I was bouncing from "relationship" to relationship for almost half of my life. Since it was high school and i have a healthy amount of shame i didn't sleep around with all of the people i dated, only a relatively small fraction. Still it seems weird that I spent so much time getting tangled up in someone else's mind.
Fast forward to now; I'm single and actually kinda happy! But the biggest downer i encounter is when i realize how alone i feel (and actually am).
You see, i have a lot of siblings. Like 10, no joke. But i am the second youngest, and my mom had me when she was 40 years old. My next oldest sister was 12 at the time i was born. That also means in her late 50s she was trying to deal with two teenaged girls. And while i have my reasons that i don't speak with my mother anymore, that whole situation still sounds like a certain kind of hell to me.
The point i'm getting at is that my single working mother was perpetually exhausted. Also neglectful and manipulative and emotionally abusive and a whole slew of things I will likely delve into later on my psychological deep dive. Anyway! I never felt like i was given enough attention from....anyone. I had no dad in the picture, a mom who was too exhausted, and a ton of siblings growing into adulthood and balancing their own lives. I have one younger sister, but as we are only a year apart in age growing up we didn't really like each other.
Despite what my dating history might suggest i was quiet and shy. Definitely have always been an introvert. Dating was a way i found myself finding a type of attention and a way to fill a void in my life. I think the void was someone to know and to know me intimately. And not intimate in a sexual sense, but someone to talk to, some one to know how i think and feel and process the world around me. And vice versa of course. I didnt get that from my family, my mom talked a lot but never a lot of details about her life. And my younger sister kept to herself too (may have also been a serial monagamist? But i don't wanna speculate on her psych too, love you!) I would always be jealous of my childhood friends, who were sisters. They knew each other so well it seemed. They would argue sure, but always came together in the end and be there for eachother. If my sister and i fought it would never get resolved it seemed. We would just carry that anger, go our separate ways and just remember we didnt like each other (things are different now)
It had me feeling like i was different, i honestly wondered if i either fell on the autism spectrum or if i was a socio or psychopath because there was something wrong with ME. Because i didnt have these relationships with my mom and my sister. I see now my situation didnt foster the healthy kind communication and attention that comes with those relationships.
Fast forward again to now. I am single as of early May 2019 and it is now September 2019 . Only last week did i delete my tinder app. I started swiping just before i broke up with my ex, (together on and off for ~ year and a half/emotionally abusive narcissistic selfish asshole) i wanted to rebound and find someone better to prove to myself that i deserve and can find better! But it was hard! Online dating sucks ass. Pardon my phrasing. But for real my dudes. I dated around a little but i realized that i dont really know what i want or what i like.
Here we are
Ladies and gentlemen, after this long unorganized rant i've finally arrived to the point of this blog.
I'm documenting, in blog form, my journey to discovering my true likes and dislikes. Being tethered for a good chunk of my life didn't really allow me to know what I like. And yeah i mean i know some stuff, like i really hate bowling, and mini golf. But i mean, i've been tangled up trying to attend to my significant others emotional, mental, physical needs. WHAT ABOUT ME? I haven't made myself a priority. So this is it. My selfish time.
So yes, i deleted tinder and have stopped looking for someone to date but that doesn't mean i'm closed off to finding someone. It just means i'm making my self my number one priority and if in my quest to push myself to do things i didnt think i could do by myself and i happen to meet a really nice guy (OR GIRL!??!) Then dooooope.
I have done 3 things so far that i feel were me making myself try new things.
1) Yoga
2) walking at a park
3) pierced my nose! (Most exciting)
The yoga thing isnt all that exciting honestly. I didnt want to go to the gym one day and pulled up youtube and did a 20 min beginners yoga thing. I actually didn't really like it. I had never done yoga before and its difficult to watch a video and have them tell you to close your eys and then move thos foot forward this back and this is a warrior pose etc. And pull your navel to your spine but also deep breathe in and out! It was too much. If i want to continue with yoga i need to try a class with an instructor and a more hands on experience/guidance. (Minds out of the gutter please).
Walking outside at a park! This one isnt really a big deal to most people. But being the serial monogamist that i am i'm uncomfortable being alone and i have told myself that it is UNSAFE to walk at a park alone. That and all of the true crime/murder podcasts i listen to dont help. But i did it. One friday night i told myself i should go on a walk at a park i had been to with friends before. So the next saturday morning, ya girl did it! I walked back and forth on a lake front for like an hour. And i could have done it almost all day because it felt peaceful....but i had other shit to do lol.
THEN on a whim i decided i wanted my nose pierced. But not really on a whim, i've wanted to do this for like a year but never had the courage. Also my emotionally abusive ex was abusive to the environment around him and didnt really care about not hurting me by "accident" so i never felt safe having a fresh hole in my face that could be damaged by mistake around him.... ANYWAY this whole week. Starting monday i told myself that i was gonna go get my nose pierced on friday. By wednesday i was too excited and i went to a tattoo shop 11 min from work and got it done. I had seen the videos and read the after care instructions and done my research. I was ready. It was done and now i have to care for it everyday and let it heal for 4-6 months. HELL YES QUEEN! I really want to get a hoop but for initial healing the stud is best. Also, not many people at work have noticed ( i work at a job where piercings and tattoos are ok). Which might have upset me about a year ago. But i truly did this for me. And not anyone else, so i feel that's why i wasn't disappointed that some people didn't notice. I'm feeling good! I feel this is a positive change for me. I'm excited to meet myself.
Next:
I think i want to get another cat?
New work out routine?
Plan a solo vacation?
Actually go to the library?
Dye my hair?
Go for a drink at a bar by myself?
Paint the trim in my house?!?!? (lol not adventurous, just something i need to do.)
Challenge yourself! Take a chance and do all tje things!
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shametheshadow · 6 years ago
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Okay so I finally finished Ready Player One. Got a little eh in the middle with the romance and sometimes a little too openly expositiony with some things but I otherwise loved it. I can definitely see why it's been considered the nerd bible. Between the references, the action packed and imaginative scenes, the subtle pushes at the darker sides of nerd culture (enough to make you feel a little uncomfortable but not open enough to feel like you -a nerd- were being lectured), and the inclusiveness that didnt feel forced... It definitely made for a good read. It's an old book by now but spoiler if you want to read it still. I cant use the read more on my phone so here's just a warning. You had an abysmally poor fat kid as the protagonist (even when he gets fit he still becomes bald and eyebrowless), a curvy "rubenesque" gal with a large birth mark on her face who word vomits when anxious, an african american lesbian who also rocks her curves using a caucasian male avatar, and two japanese otakus who have never met irl but are considered brothers in the OASIS. Like... I know I'm one of the biggest skeptics when it comes to so-called diversity in media, but this book does it right. It slips it in there and doesnt make a huge deal about anything. It doesnt hold up this huge sign that shouts "HEY! Look at our african american character and our female love interest who needs no man!" it just lets the story happen and the characters do their thing so you can judge them on their own merit and personality. Besides Wade, you dont even know the identities of the other four of the High Five till near the end. It perfectly uses the anonymity of the internet to it's greatest advantage. And on a last note of diversity, the two god like beings of the book Ogden and Halliday are examples of how introversion and extroversion are required to make great things... And Halliday, creator of this entire virtual world, is even believed to be on the autism spectrum. And as I said before, at no point do you feel like you are being lectured to go outside and play or that someone is telling you that your interests are wrong. Instead it speaks as a voice of experience, showing you an outsider perspective on the lives of unhealthy nerd culture in ways like Wade eventually only ever wearing two haptic suits that he wears in rotation and shaving off all of his body hair... Or the "missing million" where the hikikomori epidemic in Japan is driven to the extreme. It gives the main character the wealth and power to do whatever they want just for the very uber nerd Wade idolized to give a gentle reminder in his last message that reality matters more than escapism in something that isnt real. Then there are the references. 80's and even some late 70's, there was so much crammed into every page that I, as a 90's child, could not hope to understand every one even with my love for older media. But that's okay. At no point did I feel lost. Instead I felt... A lot of Wade did I think. There is a reverence for the 80's. For Wade it was because the 80's came to represent his entire life, everything that his hopes, dreams, and fantasies were built on because Halliday was an 80's kid who built the OASIS and filled it with an easter egg hunt dripping in nostalgia. For me, it's similar. The 80's was the basis for everything I loved in the 90's. From the music to the fashion to gaming, and most of our greatest nerdy pop culture icons wouldnt have existed without the groundwork being laid in the late 70's and 80's. 90's kids are marked as some of the first with widespread access to computers and the internet at childhood, but what would that be without the creation of games like pacman or programming prodigies like Wozniak. It wasnt something I considered much before, but it definitely made me feel something to read a book all about the 80's. Not exactly nostalgia but kind of parallel to it. I feel like the 80's is often overshadowed by the 90's. So yeah... This book is awesome. I really enjoy the Steve Jobs/Wozniak duo of Ogden and Halliday. I think it showed off the positives of their very different characters very well. I loved to hate the Sixxers. I loved all of the High Five (I do wish we got more of the Daisho guys though. The part where Daito was actually murdered had me going "Oh shit" outloud) especially Aech whose name I really like. I did want a little bit of payback to Ir0k and I wanted to know more of what happened afterwards, but overall I'd say that by the end I was pretty happy. I did make the mistake of purchasing the movie and watching that though... It made me a mixture of sad, upset, and disappointed. You would think with Spielberg behind the wheel it would nail all of the right buttons but it... It just doesnt. Like... What was up with the bug eyed, elfish avatars? Except for Aech, most of the high five are just more idealized versions of themselves. Totally human with some of their less personally desired traits. But then like Aech... Wth... You took an average white dude with a cheshire smile and turned him into a hulking grey beast. Totally lessens the impact when discovering that he is a black woman by already having her avatar be to unrealistic. And why is Art3mis's avatar given a more athletic gymnast build? One of the body types that Wade states in the book is commonly used by most people, which is why her more curvy figure is unique and interesting. Her entire avatar is supposed to be more realistic to herself, something that captures his attention from the beginning. He can imagine it's what she looks like because she doesnt hide those features like most everyone does. The only thing she really changes is her birthmark. And do we really need to give her one of the best moments Wade has in the book just to make it seem like she has more power in the narrative? Art3mis is great because at no point does she really need Wade's help or rescue until the very end when the gate requires 3 people. She figures out the first key by herself first and is just unlucky enough to not be skilled at one particular game in a million. Even without Wade's suggestion at switching to play the other side, she would have won eventually. She was clever enough to realize that she could have two plays by waiting till midnight and was practicing in every spare moment. And even after she and Wade start seeing one another, it is Wade who is infatuated beyond reason and her who tries to keep her head in the game and feet grounded in reality. She finds and obtains the second key without any help at all. It was Art3mis who knows everything about Tempest, one of the final hurdles Wade needs to overcome, including the bug that gives you 40 extra lives when Wade starts with only one (and he eats through the extras fast). She doesnt need help to be an awesome female character. Wade has skills, I wont take that from him, but he gets by mostly on a lack of self preservation, paranoia, and luck ex machina. If it werent for him getting the second clue wrong and going to the entirely wrong planet, then wandering a different direction out and stumbling upon an arcade machine that nobody has ever found before (despite claiming that the world was picked over by every Gunter ever) and then utilizing his skills in pacman to win a mysterious quarter that just so happens to grant him an extra life after everyone else is vaporized in the final battle just outside the third gate... He never would have won. In that entire scenario his skill is utilized once. Arguably his skills only really come into play during the actual challenges for the keys and the gates. Every other moment actually focused on is mostly him stumbling around either as a paranoid mess or obsessive and depressed. Even with the first key, it's only by chance that during his Latin class he selectively hears the right words to set his brain into motion that takes him from Schoolhouse Rock to D&D to omg the key is hidden on the same planet that has every school! Granted he put in the time to compile all the experience and knowledge needed to connect those dots, but it was still luck that laid the dots out to be connected. I think I've ranted enough though. Originally this was going to most be, "Man, I loved this book!" and "Boy, I hated the movie..." but it got away from me as it usually does.
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kellbug21-blog · 7 years ago
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my  entire life story
Hi, I wanna tell u all about me and my life story. i was born and everything was fine for a few mins. Shortly after I was born I had a stroke. I had to be taken to the Miami children hospital and was put into a coma because i was having so many seizure When I woke up I was taken cared of by the doctors. After 3 weeks of lots of testing they discovered i had a stroke and  had epilepsy. I was able to go home afterwards with lots of seizure medison after my 2 disabilities  were  found. When I turned 5 years old I started to struggle on my first year of school. The stroke affected all my learning abilities. It affected my math, reading, reading comprehension, , learning memory, writing and spelling. I was slow learner  then everyone else in school. I get extended time on tests and help with homework due to my learning disability. For my math disability it makes me struggle with adding,subtraction,multiplication dividing and remembering numbers. For my reading disability i struggle with reading, decoding, remembering, getting lost when reading, read words wrong, re read what I'm reading, skipping words ,pronouncing and sounding out words. Four my writing i struggle with spelling,takes me a very long time to write, forget ending of the words, spell the words a different way and make punctuation errors. It doesn't mean i cant write. It's just harder then most people. My tests and work are sometimes modified because its to hard for me. People sometimes think i cant talk but i can. It's just i don't know what to say. The doctors who studied my mind said that My stroke makes me rock my body and bounce my head  and body subconsciously, I do it without knowing I'm doing it. I'm often told by people I shouldn't do that and get told to stop rocking my body or bouncing my head and body  because its considered weird and can make people uncomfortable because they often don't understand , dont do it themselves, dont have anybody in there family that does it, cant relate and its considered not normal , weird and different.  
but  the question we should all be asking is what is normal though? there is no  such thing as normal.  ill get stares by people for doing these  behaviors. when ever somebody pointed  it  out i felt  judged  and scared and felt like they thought i was weird. Did u know people made rocking chairs? if u see someone who rocks there body or bounces there head and body  and u notice  they arent aware there doing it please dont bring it up. if i rock my body or bounce my head and body  dont make me feel embarrassed. im doing subconsciously. Not every person that rocks there body  or bounces there head or body is a  weird  person. dont always assume when somewon rocks there body or bounces there body or head  are weird. i will rock my body subconsciously when im listening to music,  when im  thinking about something,  happy,sad,scared, or angry.  i might  do it randomly  subconsciously without any of these reasons above.  there are 3 reasons why a person rocks there body or bounces there body and or bounces there head. number 1: its because they were just born that way. number 2: they could be brain damage and u wouldnt even know it. if you ever meet or met somewon whos had a stroke or some type of brain injury  theres a 50 chance there gonna rock there body and/or  bounce there  head and body. number 3: its a obsessive compulsive behavior for that person. When I was 5 years old I started to do behaviors and show symptoms of another disability. My parents didn't really think much of it. They always thought it was just my stroke. Then one day my mom was reading about autism and Started to realize I was showing the same symptoms and behaviors. My mom went to the doctors and said to them what symptoms and behaviors I was showing and the doctors started to agree with her. So the neurologist doctors were studying my mind and were looking at my damage to my mind. theirs no test for autism but there are people who went to schools to study the mind and watch it by looking at it, recording it , observing it, watching what a persons doing and reading books about the mind. And it turned out I had another disability. Which was called Autism. At the time I didn't even know I would have autism because my parents never mentioned it to me and kept it hidden from me. They never felt the need to label me because it was very mild and didn't change who I was.
My 6th grade year came when i was 12 years old and it was bad. That was the year I found out I had autism. When I was in my math class I was obsessed over blood poisoning. Then my teacher asked me why I was obsessed over blood poisoning. Then I said i don't know why i just am. After i said that the teacher randomly says you have Autism. I said wait i have autism? And she said yep you do have autism. I thought to myself no i cant be. I thought i was misdiagnosed. And i told her prove it I don't believe u. Then she pulled out a paper and it said  i was  a student diagnosed with high functioning autism. When i saw that paper i was surprised and after a few mins i started to cry. i thought why me? and thought to myself i already had a stroke and learning issues. why do i have autism as well? I knew i would have to deal with this the rest of my life i thought to myself will i never have friends or get married because of my autism disability? Mom walked in the room a few mins after i found out and she saw me crying and started to wonder why i was crying and asked me whats wrong. my teacher realized telling me was a huge mistake.   my teacher told my mom we need to talk and pulled my mom aside for a moment. That's when my teacher told her. she said she was so sorry  to my mom and   said  she accidentally told me i have autism.   after that she told me come on  will talk about it more in the car. and i told her is what she saying true? is that paper true?  she told me come on again and i started to question in my head why isnt she telling me. i was still crying at the  time  while leaving the school and walking to the  car. After that we went into the car to get ready  to go to the doctors appointment and before we drove there she  told me i have a very mild form of autism. Then i asked my mom what caused it and she said nothing caused it and i was just born that way and she told me autism isn't something that can happen to u.     Brain injuries can cause autism like symptoms and or autism like behaviors but not autism. Autism is the same as having Down syndrome. I was born with autism and at the same time had a stroke a few mins after my birth. My autism makes me have sensory sensitivity issues with sound and can cause sounds to hurt me and sometimes becomes overload. my autism makes me have deficits in my social skills meaning there always impaired.   My social deficits impairments are making friendships, maintaining friendships, getting into a romantic relationship, continuing a  romantic relationship, starting,continuing ,ending conversations,  Reading facial expressions, body language, social cues, reading tone of voice , joining in group interactions and reading what people are thinking. My autistic behaviors are rewinding,obsessions, literal thinking, sameness with food, flat affect, monotone voice, asking the same question over and over, repeating myself and no filter. i might say something completly random and people would be surprised, think its idiotic  or  find it funny. you cant go around and force friendships they just have to happen. thats like forcing somewon to love u when they dont love u back. i dont want people to be my friend just because they feel bad for me.  I  want to be like everyone else.   i want people to understand me. its time to talk about how i feel. when ever im alone or out  in public i sometimes think to myself will i ever find love someday and have friends?   they say u cant find love you just need to let it come to you.   when im out in public i always see people with there friends talking and having a good time.  when i was in school i always   saw   people hugging  and kissing there loved ones in the hallways   and still see people  do  out in public places. i would  see people in the hallways, at lunch and walking down stairs  talking to there friends. i thought to myself why is it so easy for people to make conversations, relationships and friendships that fast?  i also thought to myself why am i not experiencing this as well? lets talk about my school experiences. when i was at my old  school i always had people who hated me  and  thought i was an idiot and i didnt know why.   i now know why they hated me. it was because of my autism, learning disability and the way i behaved. because i say random things, am quiet, dont talk the way most people do,behave differently  and have learning disabilities people think im not smart and think im an idiot because of the way i interact, behave  and  take longer to learn things.
i wanna explain emotions for a minute.
i always struggle with talking about  my feelings because  im worried how people will react. at a young age ur taught and told  not to show and express ur emotions. in public  and when ur around people  or someone u think u need to be happy all the time because showing emotion isnt acceptable. the only acceptable emotion ur allowed to show is to be happy. when ever u show ur sad ,scared or angry  about something people will tell u to stop acting like a kid and say  ur being rediculous.  im here to tell u its ok to show and express your emotions. were not robots. showing emotions is natural. its what makes us HUMAN. what is monotone voice? its when u speak without emotion. flat affect is when u show no emotions. what is a obsession? its when you think about something all the time or alot and talk about it alot.  it also  means u might need to compulsively do something  in order to get rid of the thought. literal thinking is when u believe anything and anybody tells you. it means you have struggle understanding metaphors, know when someones  joking  and figure of speech. i might speak literal at times. i may not always respond in the normal way. lets talk about rewinding for a moment. when i say rewinding i might go back to a certain part of a video or song and you might question it.   when i say no filter i mean i might say things that are racist, things you shouldnt say , inappropriate things and being honest, without realizing and aware what im saying is that and i might not understand why its not ok to say those things. being honest isnt always a bad thing but it can hurt someones  feelings and come across as being rude. because my autism makes me not think clearly i really need to think about it.
because i might say racist or inappropriate things people will get the wrong idea and it might make them feel bad about themselves and come across as im a bad person. if i ever  say something racist i usually would feel bad. only a racist person wouldn't feel bad.  
when i mean i struggle with reading tone of voice i mean i cant always tell when somewons being sarcastic, serious, speaking in a way that there bored, angry,happy,sad and all the other types of tone of voice.   i cant always tell when someone looks happy,sad, angry,scared,surprised bored,annoyed  and any other facial expressions. i wanna talk about repeating for a moment. when i say  i repeat myself  i might say the same thing again or over and over again without even knowing and aware im doing it.
 I never went around and told anyone about my autism and was told mine isn't the type where u can tell by looking at me. The rewinding was the only thing that became noticeable and people would question it but never knew i had it until they were told. if u were to look at me you wouldn't have guessed or noticed.  
When i mean i struggle with making conversations i mean i struggle with small talk and talking to people. There's the hi how are u? Then u say good or fine and sometimes ask back how are u? Then that person says good. But it never goes anywhere. I learn social skills. Does that mean i have great social skills? Nope. They will Always be impaired. in order to get an autism diagnosis it NEEDS to be disabling in some way and needs to always impair  and limit  the person.  what high functioning really means is how well a person can pass and  look normal. I was an autistic child and teenager and ill become an autistic adult and eventually an autistic old man. People think autism goes away when you get older which is not true.  Alot of the time people don't try to get to know me. i usually get ignored alot. i  sometimes dont try to get to know people because there judgemental and im afraid they just see me as some dumb  and weird person. I get uncomfortable when around you and other people because of my autism. I may be socially awkward  or appear annoying because of my deficits impairments. People don't often stop to think why that persons uncomfortable or socially awkward.    i sometimes dont respond to people because i dont know what to say , how to respond ,may not understand what there saying and need time to think. because i might not respond people might get confused,might  think i did not  hear them or think im ignoring them when im not. i didnt like being in special ed sometimes because there were people who came to help students with special needs when  some people see  a person in special ed they sometimes  automatically think that there dumb and to stupid.   not every person who helps a special needs person  are like that  and think that way but alot people are like that sadly. i  worry what  people think of me.
most people dont ever give me a chance.
whenever i was in a normal class i liked it because they wouldnt think of anything at all. i felt  normal  when ever i went in the regular classes. When i was in 10th grade i wrote a speech about my autism. i never thought people would like it. after i read it the whole class clapped. when they clapped i felt really happy and felt proud. I want friends but don't know always how to make them. people think i dont want friends and thats not true. there are 2 others reasons i struggle with making friends and there a small part on why its hard for me to make friends. first reason people judge me because my hand is bent and my fingers look weird  and different a bit. second reason i have trouble making friends is because i have learning issues. when a person sees u arent smart they think  your an idiot. people  nowadays only want to be friends, date and marry people who are considered not dumb and different. i know im not dumb im actually very smart. i have a very good vocabulary then most people and thats a stereotype where people think autistic people are smart and speak smart then most people.
Let's talk about cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy is when you have trouble walking, eating,swallowing , have mussles issues and have speech issues. I mumble and talk to quietly without realizing it and might stutter. I trip and fall easily.   lets talk about my childhood. I grew up not having the childhood most people had where you talked to people, hanged out with friends, eating lunch with friends, going to sleep overs and parties with friends. I wish i got to have those experience but sadly i wont be able to because I'm older now. As you grow up ur expected a lot more and people expect you to behave a certain way , talk a certain way and  do certain things. people dont like it when you dont act like them, talk a certain way and behave like them. if you dont behave and talk the way people think u should act and say you will most likely not be accepted and they wouldnt ever want to be your friend, date you, marry you and get to know you because to them ur considered weird,dumb and not the social and society norm. in there eyes different is considered bad and shameful.  it makes people who want u to behave a certain way and talk a certain way angry because ur not meeting there expectations and want u to not be yourself. if you arent extroverted and if you dont talk people will make comments about it and tell you why dont u talk? well to answer your question i cant always talk because there are social rules you always have to follow and if u dont follow them people will get mad at u.  i cant always talk because i  dont always have a filter. if i were to talk about something that wasn't inappropriate and it was a normal conversation they probably wouldnt like it because to them its not the right way to talk. im sometimes quiet because i have nothing to say. you know the phrase people tell u to to just be yourself? yeah that phrase is a lie. What if you couldn't always do those things because of ur issues?  or what if u liked yourself for who you were and what you are? Why do people have to act a certain way and  talk a certain way just to be accepted? It sometimes makes me sad because i cant be myself. Nobody can honestly be themselves due to society. but sadly you have to behave  and talk  certain way. people try to stop and change people who are different. I enjoy some of my autism actually and wouldn't want to be cured. i like that i can rewind something and never get tired of watching it. We need to learn to stop caring what people think of us and learn to stop judging each other, weather people are good or bad. Nobodies perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. We need to just learn and grow. I hope that when i get friends and a girlfriend ill be accepted and if i ever do get married i hope I'm accepted by my wife to. people with learning disabilities get made fun of because they have a hard time  with reading, writing ,math and spelling. people try to act cool and popular in elementary school, middle school and high school.
but what they often dont realize is when they graduate high school they will no longer be considered cool and popular and will be like everyone else. I don't feel bad for myself.
There are some good things about myself. I'm non judgemental,accepting, nice ,smart and funny. I try my best to be a good person but i sometimes don't know how.
Sometimes i try my best to hide my right hand by Putting on my brace that makes it straight and people would just think i broke my arm.
I'll hide My right hand by using a long sleeve shirt and covering my right hand with the long sleeve just to make people not notice and look normal as possible. if somewon doesn't like that your a introvert then you dont need them in ur life. if u are extrovert accept it but dont change someone  else personality. if u are a introvert accept  your personality. if u are both extrovert and introvert personality accept it.
if someone doesn't like that you are being yourself , doesn't like  your  personality or is not liking that you arent talking and behaving  the way u should then forget them.
accept your personality. accept yourself for who you are and be yourself whether people like it or not. if u meet some won that is disabled or not try to get to know them.
If u see some won who's had a stroke help them and be there friend if u want to. If there's a person who's autistic you should accept them.  
if you love somebody who is  disabled, different or both you should accept them. if you have a friend that are any of these you should accept them.   if u have a friend or love somebody that doesn't have any issues and  there  just normal you should still accept them. I am so much more then my disability labels. Remember to be accepting of people who are different, black, white, Indian, Chinese gay,straight,bisexual,transgender,, asexual, lesbian, have anxiety disorder issues, have eating disorder,   disabled  Or not disabled and are just as normal as you.
I don't enjoy having these disabilities. But will always have to deal with them.
I hope my life gets better.
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spacebugarts · 6 months ago
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Having multiple revelations on how the American Education System Failed Me on my 24th birthday does this mean the brain cell has finally snapped into place???
Just remembered a rhythm game that everyone else wanted to play when we had nothing else to do in school that I Absolutely Hated and realized it was an autism thing. Like of course I hated that game it made no sense and I had to sit in a tiny circle getting smacked on the hand by my classmates while speaking gibberish (the words have no meaning, I checked,) and the entire point was to pull your hand away in time. I have motor delay and sensory issues! This game is a nightmare for people like me!!!
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spacebugarts · 6 months ago
Text
Having multiple revelations on how the American Education System Failed Me on my 24th birthday does this mean the brain cell has finally snapped into place???
Just remembered a rhythm game that everyone else wanted to play when we had nothing else to do in school that I Absolutely Hated and realized it was an autism thing. Like of course I hated that game it made no sense and I had to sit in a tiny circle getting smacked on the hand by my classmates while speaking gibberish (the words have no meaning, I checked,) and the entire point was to pull your hand away in time. I have motor delay and sensory issues! This game is a nightmare for people like me!!!
5 notes · View notes