#Really low-support needs end of the spectrum. Some atypical things like no sensory overwhem problems

[queer-as-used-by-tolkien]

ALFJSKFHSKH I THINK IM GREAT ACTUALLY

Have a story.

So I'm a lonely person yeah. I'm autistic, I talk too much about my special interests, I get ignored. Idk how much of the getting ignored was that specific church being cliquish and how much was the autism, but that's besides the point. I felt for years like the world was against me.

I compressed myself into a box of doing small-talk and asking people about themselves and listening attentively, so as to be palatable to the people around me so maybe one day I'd learn how to fit in well enough and be liked enough to have a friend I could maybe tell about my little fanfictions and headcanons and Bible thoughts. Maybe I'd even get to squeal a little bit.

I met a guy the other week. I was reading a book he'd read like 3x. I was going feral in the group chat (in small doses. he was already a... friend ig... very similar in both personality and interests. so it was like. Ohkay... but can he take the Squeals? Abt a book I know he likes?).

My siblings rolled their eyes at me, as usual. I said fine, I'll go somewhere else. (Didn't want to scare off the new friends anyway. They had smth to react to if they wanted. And. Yikes. I didnt want to lose them.) He steps in later and goes: no! The expression of emotion is good and healthy and in fact repressing it can be bad for you!

THAT TOUCHED ME. Like bro?? Thank you?? I will most certainly continue squealing. (Still not at highest intensity, but that was bc my siblings didn't want spoilers. In fact I did most squealing in in a Tumblr Discord server). but I certainly rewarded that behavior with More Squeals.

That was one thing.

This guy, tho, also thinks deeply. We were talking on one of my favorite books of the Bible - 1 Peter. I did a long study a few months ago that I keep meaning to type into essay format and post here.

It started by me posting a verse in response to a discussion he was having with someone else. He said good verse! And asked some great questions. I went to investigate and there was a LOT to be discovered. I squealed about this. I discussed the logic and such with him. (We are on the same wavelength in some major areas theologically so that helps.)

He asked about my study. I told him. He asked more. I'm sorta ranting now. He occasionally said things like 'continue' or 'amen' or 'I also had thoughts abt this verse' while I went on and on.

Then he went quiet. I went on for about five screens of scrolling before realizing he hadn't said anything in a bit. I shut up INSTANTLY. Apologized. I felt a bit embarrassed that he'd drawn me out of my shell so easily. No- not embarrassed. Vulnerable. Open. We're friends and I was sure he wouldn't. Like. Start hating me over it or not be friends or anything. But it was - idk. Maybe force of habit. He HAD had to make effort to get me to talk that much. But surely 5 screens was too much. I sat there reveling in the feeling of having someone who had taken that effort. Someone who had wanted to listen. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

He comes back a few minutes later with his OWN walls of text, his own rambling thoughts. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Then he says "don't stop; every text can teach". And then he kept going. I got to see him explore his own thoughts and verses and questions and discoveries. And that was thrilling.

Im DYING. I'M DYING. I RANTED FOR FIVE WHOLE SCREENS AND HE SAID DONT STOP. HE SAID EVERY TEXT CAN TEACH. HE DREW ME OUT OF MY SHELL AND I EXPOSED MYSELF AND MADE MYSELF VULNERABLE AND HE SAW ME. HE SAW ME!! HE REALLY SAW ME AND HE SAID "DONT STOP."

I couldn't even read his other messages, I had to squeal abt that one first.

I didn't want to let him know how much that meant to me. I didn't want to let him know how much I liked seeing his own thoughts. (I didn't want to let him know I liked him.) So instead I squealed out loud and screamed and flailed and went feral in my living room and in my sister's ears, and then in the kitchen in my mother's ears. "You're literally writhing on the ground" she said when I was on my back, half twisted, legs kicking against the wall and moaning. I hadn't even been able to read his walls of text yet, every time I tried I was so overwhelmed by "IM ACTUALLY HAVING A REAL BIBLE STUDY WITH SOMEONE MY AGE, AT MY LEVEL, WHO UNDERSTANDS HALF THE THINGS I THINK." This shouldn't be this rare. AND HE WANTED TO HEAR MY THOUGHTS!!!!

I squealed and screamed and hollered until I was out of squeals and screams and hollers. That took a while. And then ofc I had no squeals and screams and hollers left TO continue, to respond to his "don't stop" with anything like what I'd done before. I couldn't reward him with as many more squeals as I wanted. But we continued talking. It was glorious.

Now, a day or so later, I DO want to go back to ranting and screaming and hollering. But - idk. I'm still afraid. Idk why. He's made a pattern of wanting to hear my squeals. And he asks me thoughtful questions all the time. I just. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

So yeah. I reblogged the "am I being annoying" post 7x times. I am not at all fine but I'm doing GREAT.

"am I being annoying" are you aware that my heart is trying to crawl out of my chest to get to you