#directors commentary ask meme

[woodswolf]

⭐ for dogs leading dogs!

Director's Commentary Ask Meme

Okay we're actually going to do something a little different for this one — not commentary on a specific scene, but on a very specific recurring detail that either nobody has noticed or that nobody has commented on yet. Let's talk about numbers :)

There are very very few numbers in the text that are random. If a number is specified, it usually means something, except in some cases where specific numbers are important are important for conveying What's Happening in an understandable way (such as group sizes for Pikmin, especially in chapter 4). But even among those instances, most of them are not random. And if you go back through and look at the numbers, you can start to see patterns.

In particular, I would like to point out two particular numbers: thirty, and combinations of five and four.

Let's start with the combination first, because it's easier to explain for how difficult it is to describe. The five-four combination (perhaps easiest expressed as 5 = 4 + 1) is specifically associated with the wraiths. This is actually pretty solidly established in the games themselves - the Submerged Castle has 5 floors of which 4 of them are sprawling hazardous labyrinths and 1 is the Waterwraith's boss arena.

The Plasm Wraith is also heavily associated with the number 5 for a lot of reasons. The Formidable Oak is the fifth of five areas in Pikmin 3, and is made of five rooms, two of which can alternately count as the wraith's boss arena depending on whether you consider the player's perspective or Olimar's. (Either the top of the Oak is the boss arena for Olimar, or the bottom for the player.) Additionally, the Plasm Wraith's boss music is basically Five: The Musical, with the most obvious and applicable bit being this section, where the Plasm Wraith's 4-bar motif starts minimally but grows over 5 repetitions until it takes over the entire body of the song. There's a lot more five-and-four that you can pull out of this theme but it's a bit more of a reach.

Arguably in the context of the games, this five-and-four pattern is more strongly associated with major bosses. In addition to the aforementioned points about the wraiths, the Titan Dweevil has five phases for removing each of its four offensive treasures until it's left with none; and the Ancient Sirehound also has five phases, of which four are elemental (ice/electricity/fire/gloom). I may or may not exploit this fuller context of the five-four's scope - no matter what, it isn't going to be relevant again until several sequels from now (namely until I start writing DLD's direct sequel rather than catch/cradle, which is more of a highly relevant side story) so I have a lot of time to think it over.

As for how this combination has been used in-text so far, there is one major instance:

“...The initial shaft descends for 625 millimeters before leveling out,” it eventually begins. “From there, it begins to rise until it emerges into the bottom of an underground lake. After that, the path should be dry, and will eventually lead to another chasm that drops into the cave system itself. It’s rather like…” It trails off for some reason. “It’s rather like a sink trap.”

625 can also be written as 5×5×5×5, or 5⁴. :) Shoutouts to Five Five Five Five Five and the rest of the SCP Antimemetics Division tales, though there is no relation other than incessant fives. (All of those stories are just a very cool read especially if you haven't read them before.)

Thirty, on the other hand, is a very different beast. Where the five-four combination is actively malicious, thirty is something closer to inevitability. This is very often a bad thing (the thirty day time limit, combined with several instances so far where either thirty Pikmin die/are predicted to die/are the only survivors of mass death), but it isn't always. Thirty may be inevitable, but it also is complete - thirty survivors that will no longer suffer, thirty sacrifices to prevent more deaths, thirty seconds or minutes of waiting before something miserable is over, 330 hours of travel time between Hocotate and PNF-404, thirty pills to heal, thirty ship parts in thirty days for a (thirty) perfect ending.

Thirty is powerful. It can be all of a weapon and a tool and a source of comfort. It is assurance. It is a time bomb. It is both the gentle hand of death and the rallying cry of life. It means many things, but if it means anything, it means hope - hope either that things will end, or that they will begin again.

There was only ever one way that dogs leading dogs was going to end. It's been in plain sight since the first chapter. It always comes back to thirty.

If you want to break things down exceedingly far, you can combine both of these important number combinations and notice that both of them involve five - thirty can be prime factorized as 2×3×5. So if I had to break things down very specifically:

2: Pairs, particularly where the parties involved in the pair are somehow foils or can be heavily compared or contrasted in another way.

3: Repetition. (There's actually an even more specific concept that I could use for what three means, but if it isn't already evident between all of my emphasis on the "riddle" and now all of the rest of this, using that word would be spoilers as of this moment in time.) Can also be read as luck and/or virtue and/or lessons learned through repetition.

4: Death, as the common trope goes :)

5: Endings, as something both inevitable and complete.

So we can essentially read the five-four pair as ending in death, and thirty as pairs repeating for an ending, which is basically the theme of the entire story.

Thanks for the ask! :D

[meyerlansky]

Can you do director’s commentary for all of dctctc?

I SURE FUCKIN CAN!!!

okay since i have no idea how to format longer director's commentary style stuff in a tumblr post, i went with leaving comments on a gdoc, which should be accessible anonymously! please please PLEASE let me know if this doesn't work and i will figure something else out, because this was SO much fun. feel free to leave replies and reactions on the commentary as well—i would LOVE to hear what people think about the behind the scenes stuff.

there are a LOT of comments and they don't all fit on the page at the same time, so to read a full comment, on desktop put your cursor over the chunk of highlighted text and it'll expand the comment on the sidebar. example/preview:

on mobile, in browser it looks like it's footnote style, and in the gdoc app tapping on the highlighted text brings up the comment pane and you can go between comments from that.

director's commentary meme!

[kybelles]

⭐star⭐

hello loml thank you so much for sending this 🫶🏼 i thought about it a little and i think i’ll go with this section:

i remember being so excited to write this bit because we were so close to actual catharsis! laurent was simply furious in this part (and humiliated and crashed and 0.5 seconds away from bursting into tears) and yet he was still willing to pretend like everything was okay just so he wouldn’t lose damen. 💔 i think it was very interesting to write about laurent’s (unnecessary) endurance on being subjected to emotional horrors in the name of love. i just loved portraying how much control he had over himself even when he had every right to comfort damen with a screaming match.

[liobi]

about that director's commentary thing

i'm curious if there's anything on that scene in the beginning of always where lappland has a weirdly charged discussion with kal'tsit in her room

Oooo, The beginning of always!

Background on this fic, I cannibalized two other WIPs that got incredibly jossed by the release of Il Siracusano (One of them a TexLappSora fic where Lappland took Popukar to a concert of her favorite idol, only to discover that under the lupo disguise, Sora was the little bunny girl whose journalist father Lappland had offed under her and Texas's boss's orders. She had let the little girl who witnessed the deed go, but their boss found out and ordered Texas to liquidate Lappland leading to her expulsion and infection). But anyways, on to the setup!

Both Lappland and Kal'tsit care deeply for the vulnerable. We see as much any time they are the focus of various events, but they go about it in different ways. Kal'tsit is methodical, scheming, and uses her long life and connections to accomplish her needs. She's got plans upon plans, irons in the fire galore, a Machiavellian master sitting atop a mountain of fallen foes and destroyed obstacles.

Lappland on the other hand is a bundle of unrestrained id, packaged and fired like a bullet on a path set by either herself or others, a genius at improvising and legitimately charismatic, if only used to get under people's skin. Lappland is the MacGyver of mob heroes. Lappland is also very consciously trying to be the opposite of her father. It's why i think under the right circumstances she'd be good with kids actually!

While she may believe that once she returns to Siracusa she will be helpless but to eventually become what she fears, in the meanwhile she is fighting tooth and nail to be kind and friendly and open to anyone that will have her (despite everyone thinking she's got sixteen layers of malicious plans and mindgames going on), but also she kinda sucks! She DOES sometimes have sixteen layers of malicious plans and mindgames going on! She CAN be mean and kinda nasty in fact she intentionally digs into people's sore spots constantly! She contains multitudes.

So with the fact that Kal'tsit and Lappland have opposite styles of operating, it's only natural that Lappland sees at least on a superficial level some similarities between Kal'tsit and her father.

Kal'tsit is also super hot and manipulative and leaves nothing to chance so!

PREAMBLE OVER, ON TO THE SCENE ITSELF

~

Lappland had no idea how much of this was actually Dr. Kal’tsit and how much was a carefully constructed facade to convince other people she was just like them.

Kal’tsit motioned across the room. “Sit where you like.”

Some small part of Lappland wondered where exactly the night would go if she chose to sit on the bed.

~

Right from the get-go Kal'tsit has the intention of measuring Lappland's... everything. Looking for any foothold that will give her power over the negotiation, some way to maneuver Lappland into giving her exactly what she wants; a teacher for Popukar who can handle the little berserker and an operator with a talent for improvising and resourcefulness that would absolutely be willing to cross names off a list if Kal'tsit needed her to.

The conversation is a game of chess, of battleship, right from the start and they both know it. Lappland thinks back to the mafia sit-downs her father brought her to for a reason! This is one, in its own way.

On top of all this, we know from Il Siracusano that Lappland despite everything still wants her father's approval and affection. So when she's confronted with a woman who on a surface level reminds her of her father who is not so subtly asking if she wants to get into bed, she's gonna have a boner that's hard (lol) for her to examine all at once (lolol).

The rest of the scene really consists of them testing the water, trying to gauge where the other person is at and what they're getting out of it. Lappland is set up to both care about kids and also Amiya, and Kal'tsit cares about both of her daughters and keeping Rhodes Island alive and running and sometimes you need assassins and terrorists to do that. So they find somewhere in the middle to meet and Lappland doesn't rip her stitches because of ill-advised sex.

[indignantlemur]

The Directory!

🌟This blog is focused on my fics and lore! If you're looking for my art/commission blog, click here -> @lemur-with-a-tablet

Emigre: link

Pairing(s): Original Andorian Character/Original Human Character (Dagmar/Shral), Andorian/Andorian, Andorian/Human/Andorian/Andorian

Rating: Explicit (as of chapter 44)

Status: In-Progress, available via AO3

A tear in the fabric of space and time has consequences that echo across ages; an unexpected arrival from the twenty-first century challenges a nation's perceptions and sets a most unlikely precedent. An exploration of Andorian culture from a Human's POV.

The Stars Keep Watch: link

Pairing(s): Va'Al Trask/Original Human Character (Va'Al/Mira)

Rating: Explicit

Status: In-Progress, available via AO3

Mira Vos signed up for Starfleet only to find herself posted to hell. Undersupplied and overstressed, the fighting on J'Gal threatens to wear her down. The arrival of a special forces unit led by a handsome Andorian promises a break in the routine... A classic wartime romance - but In Space.

Deck the Halls (and Not the Vulcans): link

Pairings: Dagmar/Shral (background)

Rating: Teen

Status: Complete, available on AO3

It's winter time in San Francisco, and the Andorian embassy has just been challenged to participate in a friendly competition between the Federation's founding species' embassies. The objective? To see who can best decorate a Terran Christmas tree. The prize? Nothing less than deeply coveted bragging rights for the coming year.

Dagmar Gunnarssen has never been so ready for anything in her entire life.

Hoarfrost: 🚧🛠️

Pairing(s): Dagmar Gunnarssen & Ambassador Thoris th'Kor, Background relationships from Emigre

Rating: Teen

Status: In-Progress, not yet available via AO3. (Pssst! Sneak peak available: link)

An unusually powerful ion storm forces Ambassador Thoris and his retinue to abandon ship over a largely uninhabited planet. Some of the last to make it to the escape pods, Thoris and Dagmar wind up separated from the others. Together, they must navigate a frozen, eerily barren landscape - and survive.

HERE

Andorian Headcanons:

Andorians and Food

Andorians and the Sea

Andorian Governing Bodies & The Role of Nepotism

Andorian Marriage Dynamics & Divorce

Andorian Proposals

Andorian Religion & Spirituality (And horror stories)

The Andorian Imperial Clan

Andorian Hair

Andorian Holidays

Andorian Courtship Ring Metallurgy

Andorian Medical Professionals

Andorian Awards and Commendations

Andorians and Figure Skating

Andorians and Dancing

Andorians and Currency

The Andorian Facepalm?

Andorian-Vulcan relations pre-ST:ENT

Andorian Language and Conlang

Andorian Weddings and Funerals

Andorian Attitudes on Interspecies Relationships

Andorian-Human Hybridization

The Am Tal and The Andorian Incident

Andorian Clan Identification and Chitin Patterns

Andorian Names

Andorians and Adoption

Clanless Andorians

Andorians and Rites of Passage into Adulthood

The Code of the Ushaan and the Holmgang

Andorian Fairy Tales

Kelenthor the Clanless and Watercolours

Human-Andorian First Contact headcanons

Andorian Fashion and Fabrics

Are Andorians Extroverts or Introverts?

Andorian Family Dynamics

Andorian Cosmetics and Perfumes

Andorian Arts: Theatre/Opera/Poetry/Etc

Andorian Quad Marriages vs Bonds

Temperatures on Andoria

Andorian Humour and Philosophy

The Spirits of Andoria

Andorian Blood Chemistry RE: Toxins and Cyanide

Andorian Homes and Decor

Star Trek Species in the Star Wars Universe

Andorian Mate Selection (Pheromones, Personality Traits, & More)

Andorians on Punks and Goths

Andorians on Diss Tracks

Andorians and Crime & Punishment

Andorian Etiquette vs Human Etiquette

Kelenthor the Clanless - More lore!

Andorian Lore & Character Lore tidbits

Character Lore Tidbits: Thoris

Character Lore Tidbits: Shral

Character Lore Tidbits: Thelen

Andorians and UV Exposure: Do Andorians Tan?

Andorians and Cave Diving

Character Lore: Shral's Family & Childhood

Andorian Conservation Efforts & Environmentalism

Andorian Education and Childcare

Andorians of Human Family Units & Thoris' POV in Ch 5

Andorian Quads and Larger Arrangements

Character Lore Tidbits: Thoris' Childhood

Thoris' Thoughts on Shral's Pining?

Vulcan and Andorian Cultural Compatibilities

Human-Andorian First Contact: Revisited

Andorian Opinions on Romulans

Andorians, Rodeos, and The Post-Scarcity Implications for the Terran Meat Industry

Andorian Jewelry

Shran, Archer, Trip, T'Pol and TATV in Emigre

Changes to Andorian Culture Over Time

Emigre Crew vs Carolers

Andorians and Terran Media: Addams Family edition

What Dagmar Got Everyone For Christmas

Andorians and Salt

Thoris' Sleeping Arrangements in Emigre

Andorian Cryptids

Emigre General Discussions:

Healing and Grief in Emigre

The Bulreeng Taal Beatdown

Author's Commentary: Chapter 41 - Grace and Poise

Author's Commentary: Chapter 37 - Connection

What Do The Andorians (and Dagmar) of Emigre Smell Like?

Author's Commentary: Chapter 43: The Star Thief

What Language Is Dagmar Speaking?

Author's Commentary: Chapter 46 - Face the Facts

General Writing Asks:

Advice For New Writers

HERE

HERE

OFFICIAL TAG LIST

(You can always request to be added to the list!)

[nonagesimus]

🌟 for the director’s cut game!

we're gonna talk about chapter one of hood training since i've been working on that fic so much my head is full of thoughts.

Illario learned to hold his tongue at funerals.

The one for Lucanis’ parents probably wasn’t the first he’d been to, but it was the first that stuck out as important in his mind. Maybe it was the sight of the mostly empty front row of the chantry, only his cousin sitting next to their grandmother. It was difficult for him to picture the difference in how she looked back then; obviously she’d gotten older, but all Caterinas formed into one in his mind. The same heavy streaks of grey in her hair, the same ever-present frown lines, the same weight of her cane as it hit the ground. Or hit him. Lucanis, though, he could always picture as a child perfectly.

He remembered being confused because he knew Lucanis was older than him, but he was also shorter. A mean corner of his mind had thought it wasn’t very fair of the Maker; taking away Lucanis’ parents and making him short.

But it hadn’t been the first funeral and it wasn’t the last.

so the opening to this fic went through a few variations but it was pretty much always this scene. first there was a tiny prelude from Illario-choosing-to kill-Lucanis which then flashed back to this funeral, and the rest of the fic was chronological from that moment, then the ENTIRE fic was non-chronological but this was still the first moment we saw. Ultimately I decided on the plotline from meeting zara through to the end of the game would be presented in chronological order, but everything else would jump around. i also didn't want to provide too many hints on what was happening when, obvs there are pieces connected to the wigmaker job that we have more of an idea of, there are pieces where they're clearly in training, pieces where they're crows, bits where they feel younger or older, but i really didn't want to make feel like there was a definitive order all the scenes of them as kids and teenagers happened in, because i don't think that's what remembering childhood is like, it's all just a mess when you think back (at least for me)

also, people always comment on the dramatic lines and i do love a good dramatic line but A mean corner of his mind had thought it wasn’t very fair of the Maker; taking away Lucanis’ parents and making him short is still my favourite thing i've written for this fic.

“What terrible company we’re in,” he said, holding out one of the glasses, “That they’ve left the hand of such a beautiful woman empty.”

She smiled. There was an edge to it. She liked the flattery; she didn’t accept it at face value. But she did take the drink. “Thank you.”

“You must’ve arrived recently, that I haven’t met you before,” he said, nodded towards the embroidery on her sleeve. “From Tevinter?”

“We do like our national pride,” she said. Point towards her being Venatori. “You are?”

He looked into those pale eyes, guarded and cold. The smile on her face. The air between them begged for a risk to be taken.

“Illario Dellamorte,” he said, and he watched the guarded look flare into interest.

i STRUGGLED writing zara because we get so little of her in game/in TWJ, and also i am terrible at noticing flirting irl so writing it always feels like i'm coming on too strong, but i really wanted to show them meeting as like. a chess game that zara hasn't realised has started yet.

also illario, scolding lucanis for risking himself, have similar tendencies to put himself in danger in very different situations

“Did you ever talk back?” Illario croaked, painfully, “Before I got here?”

Lucanis made a complicated expression that he took to mean no. Then he pulled a jar of salve out of his pocket and said, “This will help with the bruises,” and started tugging the back of Illario’s shirt up without asking so he could get to them.

“Where did you get it?” Illario asked, sure that Caterina hadn’t given it to him.

“One of the maids,” Lucanis shrugged. “I hide it in the plant in my room.”

The jar was small, already half gone. Part of Illario wanted to tell him to save it, but he kept quiet. Lucanis’ fingers, spreading the salve on his back, were confident. Like he’d already learned exactly the right pressure to apply it without making it hurt worse. By the time he finished, Illario was mostly asleep. He felt Lucanis pull his shirt down, and then his blanket up over him. Heard that door click so softly shut again.

i wanted to show lucanis' want to take care of people starting early, and also just. his level of adjustment and resignation to what was happening to them when illario was still pushing boundaries. i really wanted to show kind of situation where, not counting caterina's punishments, they are the ones both hurting and helping each other (it's also in chapter 4 where lucanis main injury is from illario not caterina), because i feel like that breads so much resentment and loyalty at the same time, and that's kind of key to their relationship.

“There’s one name in particular I heard most,” she said, soft and coaxing. Her eyes had dilated a little. He let his thumb sweep teasingly back and forth close to the apex of her thighs. “Last time I was in Vyrantium. With the surname Dellamorte. Lucanis.”

He’d known she knew it. It was what had made her stand out to him at the party. Still, there was a jolt of adrenaline hearing a Venatori name his cousin. As overdramatic as the Mage Killer title was, it was a symbol. That it wasn’t just The Crows in abstract haunting the Magisters, but one in particular who sought them out. But they weren’t supposed to know Lucanis’ real name. That should have been a secret long held.

“A relative of yours?” she prompted.

“The name sounds familiar,” he said, keeping his tone light. “But my family is large. I barely see all my cousins.” His thumb slid a little higher; her breath caught. “Especially the serious ones.”

a few things to talk about here! this was also a scene i initially really struggled with in regards to illario's approach until i was like oh. he's just going to straight up lie. why would he tell the truth lmao. he really feels like he has the upper hand here! and tbf he does; he's doing a lot better at teasing out what he wants from her than she is with him. i really wanted to be able to feel how much disdain he has for her; both in how much information he can get from her, and how little she's getting herself.

i also went back and forth a lot about how explicit the fic was going to be. like i said in the after action report commentary; i hadn't written smut since 2021 until i started writing veilguard fic. but it felt so specifically part of illario's toolbox, and so integral to the relationship, and also so important to show how disconnected illario feels from it. the sex scenes are definitely intended to feel less sexy and more uncomfortable, especially further into the fic.

He should’ve known better than to try the silent treatment, really; Lucanis was better at it than him and liked the quiet.

this was just funny to me. i do think it effects lucanis more than he lets on but there is definitely part of him that's like. i'm not being yelled at. ok. yay.

Lucanis’ coat was lying on the cot, folded with the hole and the great dark patch around it on top.

“I won’t see you martyr yourself to Caterina,” Illario said, tying off the first stitch.

He meant it. If someone truly got the better of his cousin, that would be one thing. If he set himself against an opponent who won fairly. If their ship wrecked. If it were from nowhere. But not what had happened in Vyrantium, not Lucanis handing his enemies weapons because it made the battles Caterina sent him to sweeter, not holding this sense of superiority because it was the only way he could also hold a knife. Lucanis twisting himself into pieces to be what Caterina made him.

Illario just was what Caterina made him.

He’d kill his cousin himself if it kept her hand out of it.

originally i was intended to put much more conversation in this scene, but then the conversation happens in TWJ and it didn't feel much like i could add it it. so it ended up being more of a vehicle for a nice piece of dramatic irony and illario's vow to not see lucanis dead at caterina's hand. the last line is almost hyperbole from his POV, but he is much closer to making that decision than he would ever admit to himself.

[antiadvil]

i was reading your hoodie bow fic and this ask is just to let you know that i am so in love with that fic its actually insane. like if i could inject that into my veins i would. get that tattooed on my forehead. oh my GOD the silly banter... the way i could hear the whole fic in their voices in my head bc every word sounds exactly like what they would say... the initiating sex via kicks... and the END OH MY GOD LOU ITS INSANE IT HURTS ME like wtf why did you do that😭😭😭😭 do you WANT me to explode😭😭😭 "you have to get married to get divorced" "that's the fucking plan" literally shut up i hate gay people so much its unreal. im voting for trump in the next election bc i think he can put a stop to this bs with his zombie wife and maxxed out credit cards... sorry to send to a crazy rant ask btw but i think i already commented on ao3 and i didn't want to look TOO insane... anyway I'm actually fr in love with you thanks for being the best person ever and writing rpf with your glorious talent🙏🙏🙏🙏 bowing down to you fr💖💖💖💖💖 love from esmé

<333333333 look i'm insane about this fic too. i don't always get why some of my fics blow up and some don't but this one? i get it. within like a week it was my most kudosed story on ao3 and i get it. some of my fics i post and go "thank god i never want to look at that again" but the hoodie bow incident?? i reread that shit like 5 times after posting. more probably. basically i kept rereading it until i posted oh baby, seasons change, and then i started alternating rereading them lmao (i haven't decided which one i like more, i flip back and forth, i know the people have spoken and the hoodie bow incident has way more kudos but i think that's just because the "disgusting amounts of fluff" is not properly sycned with the "fluff" tag so it's harder to search for. I think I like the 2010 section of seasons change more but in the 2024 section they're not standing close enough to like mess with each other's hair and stuff and in the hoodie bow incident they're touching (omg) for most of the fic. but i like both fics a lot i think they're very vivid and just like punch you in the face with the sweetness. like "you've got to get married for that first." OOF. i know i wrote it but... it's the kind of thing that doesn't feel like i wrote it, it feels like it just appeared in my head. like it was the natural progression of the dialogue and i needed to put it on the page as fast as i could physically type before it somehow disappeared).

my favorite part of phil being like hey let's fuck and kicking dan's leg is actually when dan is like oh yeah sure. oh wait you mean NOW? it's so funny to me. like. babe can i finish reading this twitter thread first it's really funny :/

[notasapleasure]

fanfic director's cut: only ever just one night!

ohhhh hohoho careful what you ask for my friend. But thank you <3

Only ever just one night - director's commentary meme

And while I'm here, a HUGE shout out of thanks to @weirdsociology-writes for reccing this fic!

BACKGROUND The first SW fic I've written in….five years! I've been noodling around very small fandoms since then. I mean like…under 20 fics total on ao3 for the main one (a Georgian film about gay dancers). And a 1980s band AU of a 1960s book series about a sixteenth-century Scottish mercenary where we call ourselves 'tiny fandom' for a reason. So it's both extraordinarily lovely to have so much engagement with this fic and also kind of alarming. To enumerate my alarm: (1) What if I haven't researched the world coffectly (see: misspelling 'caf' as 'kaf')? (2) What if my first fic for this fandom is my best and I have no other ideas to explore coherently? (3) What if I want to write more and it Grows Plot and I end up with just another perpetual WIP trailing its innards all over my ao3 dash? (4) What if I fluked out and wrote something people vibe with while in a trance, but my justification for my actions has bad vibes? However, I try not to cultivate shame, so Andor fandom, specifically Brassian fans: know that you are lovely and it's making Not Looking Down easier.

CONCEPT The fic ambushed me in a back-alley when I was still trying to work through what I did and didn't like about the show (having been immersed in Jyn/Cassian fic and Rogue One backstory when I last did SW fandom). But I knew that what I very much did like was that hug in Rix Road. I am an absolute sucker for second-fiddle characters who are just quietly waiting for an opportunity to fuck shit up on behalf of the skrunkly little creatures we call main characters. Thankless and loyal, competent and smart - not a himbo, but someone who's watching their friend get into trouble and rolling their sleeves up to wade in and help without being asked. The ones you trust to help you hide a body. Also for characters who seem…I don't know, too good to be true on the surface, but have deep reservoirs of potential for darker emotions. I could also have just said I like broad-shouldered black-haired guys who give the best hugs (Brasso. Irakli. Jerott.)

Anyway, I find the best way to explore the relationship between two characters I like is just to make them fuck. I'm being a bit flippant, but only a bit. Communication - spoken and unspoken - is key whether it's good or bad, and you can do a lot with a character's idea of themselves as well as their idea of the other person. It's a performance, it can be about getting a response, and there can be a lot of motives at work. So I wrote this fic to work out how I saw Cassian and Brasso's friendship through a long-term lens - the trust, but also the distance Cassian keeps. Brasso's concern for him, which is overlayed by his frustration at Cassian not telling him everything. Brasso going into these interactions with eyes wide open and still finding it worthwhile, because although Cassian never gives anyone everything he gives something of himself to Brasso that no one else gets. Cassian actually relying deeply on Brasso as a constant in the turbulent life he's made for himself and feeling something almost like guilt for letting himself rely on someone that much. But needing that little hit of stability too much not to keep coming back.

FIC

It's in the present continuous because I was possessed by brain worms and they insisted. I literally haven't written anything in that tense for years so…?

Well, I had to try to replicate that hug. Turning favoured scenes over and over with new words is a fun exercise. And while I am very eyes emoji at the idea of Luthen/Cassian I'm also into the idea of Cass having One Place he knows he can always go back to for safety and comfort without any sort of judgement, and that place being wherever Brasso is. Hence also the idea that, although Cassian claims it's for Brasso's safety that he won't say where he's been or who he's working for, there's also an element of Cassian preserving his bolt hole. If he keeps this relationship separate from the Rebellion then whenever the work he does becomes too much, he can always go somewhere that feels like away from the Rebellion. Which isn't exactly fair if Brasso might choose to be involved in the fight himself, were he given all the information. And is something I want to poke at properly if I can sort out the right kind of Macguffin for the plot I have in mind following up from this fic. It would encompass, in theory, Cassian moving from a state where his work for Luthen feels still like a kind of ownership/debt repayment/self-flagellation towards the kind of responsibility and service he treats it as by the time of Rogue One, where I don't think he has any kind of release valve or bolt hole or temporary place to escape/experience respite from The Cause.

All this is bound up with the idea that Brasso sees Cassian in a way many others on Ferrix don't. I think Maarva sees him, but she's too close to what she did and all the guilt and resentment around her just taking him from his home for that understanding to come without massive strings attached. And Bix, similarly, I think she understands Cassian perfectly well and she's made the conscious decision that That's Not For Her. For all the telling the series does about their previous relationship, the showing doesn't involve much pining (from my perspective), or inclination to get back together, just two people who know each other too well to put up with the other's bullshit. Brasso has that too, but with what the series gives us there's not the same kind of caveats to his understanding of Cassian. At least, that's how I see it.

Connected with 'although Cassian never gives anyone everything he gives something of himself to Brasso that no one else gets', I wanted to keep the two of them isolated from the other Ferrix survivors here. Cassian's in too vulnerable a place to face up to them all together - what's that trope, where a shapeshifter gets confused by being presented with too many things to change into? I think that would be Cass trying to maintain his armour around Bix and Bee as well - lying about the jobs he's doing and where he's been to them all together it too likely to leave him exposed. He can be selective with his information around Brasso, and he can tell when Brasso knows he's holding out and would rather he didn't, but Brasso's also not going to push too hard, because he knows that just gives Cassian an excuse to leave.

'Brasso merely nods - it's only ever just one night. The first time it happened he believed those words and afterwards, ablaze with memories of that one night, he had come to regret agreeing to it - he'd burned through the long sleepless hours between the first time and the second, convinced that he'd just learned what it was he truly wanted only to be denied any repeat of it. Then there had been a second 'just one night'. A third. Brasso had begun to understand that just one night actually meant something else when Cassian said it. It meant I trust you. I need you too much to ruin it by staying longer. I'll be back. I'll always need to come back.'

Of course, in trying to figure out how this would go as something established, I backed myself into a corner of wondering how it might have started - hence Counting on you (ugh I really wish I'd had the patience to think of better titles for these two fics). But I like the idea of seeing how this relationship came into being without ever really having been talked about, just changing bit by bit to incorporate more - as I was saying to @elwenyere, it's a ship of Theseus kind of deal, where both physically and emotionally they're scoping each other out and building on each encounter, as well as on the friendship they had anyway, but really it's just 'yes and-'ing each other without addressing their feelings directly.

I'll admit to taking a deliberately contrary stance to what I expected to be the default take on this ship - that Cassian would be more experienced, more likely to make the first move. I just prefer a dynamic in my ships where they're differently experienced and both invested in making the other feel good, so there's always a bit of a wrangle over who's initiating what. From the way Brasso meets Cassian's improvised alibi to the way he knows exactly where to find him with Maarva's message, I don't believe for one second this is a man who's shy about using his initiative. And like Cassian is, I think he's highly conscious of how people view him and his body and has learned to manipulate expectations around that - either to make himself seem less threatening or to do the opposite. It's something that's part of what they both get out of being together - no facade, Brasso doesn't need to make himself seem smaller or less threatening (he defaults to bumbling when confronted with Imperial patrols, it really takes a lot to get him swinging that brick on Rix Road) because Cass doesn't find him threatening, and Cassian doesn't need his sharp edges, or to make himself seem small in the way he does, too (I keep thinking of how those two Corpos talk about him in the bar in episode 1).

In the end, I think Cassian does believe he's not coming back. Whether because he won't last that long, or because he can't keep this reminder of life outside the dirty work of the Rebellion without the contrast hurting too much/compromising the armour he needs to do his work. And yes, a lot of this comes from pondering Cinta's attitude to her and Vel's relationship - again, if I manage to write more, expect them to be there and that to be part of it. So while it becomes clear to Brasso that Cassian thinks he's not coming back - in a different way from all the previous 'not coming backs', I think that catches Brasso off-guard. Because I think Brasso...wants to believe he would be more honest about how he feels if he really could grasp the idea of it being the last time he sees Cassian. He'd go all in if it was his last chance to do so. But without time to prepare? I think he's made too much of being the one who can let Cassian go (cf. Bix - he's always leaving) and that that's what lets him keep coming back. If you never give something a beginning how can you give it an ending?

A question I find myself confronted with regularly, 50k words in and utterly lost. Stay tuned?

[onekisstotakewithme]

for the writing meme, i'd love director's commentary on as much of the last section of "Beautiful to Take a Chance" as you'd like to provide! that's one of my favorite of your fics

I didn't know! Good old "Beautiful to Take a Chance," I'd be glad to offer director's commentary on this story 💜

Apologies in advance if this is like, less than coherent, the story is four years old... 😅

(but to spare everyone else, I'll do it under a read more)

Okay so it's obviously just a basic 5+1 structure, and this is actually a fic I don't think about very often! 😅

It starts with snuggling because I'm a soft-ass bitch at heart.

There are actually more parts to this universe, backstory pieces that demonstrate how Hawkeye has come to be this way (involving Carlye, primarily, and how she's the root of some of his insecurities.)

“Where do you get off always telling me I’m…” He chokes on the word. “Is that supposed to be funny? Cause if you look closely you may notice I am expressing zero mirth.”

This part particularly - Hawkeye doesn't believe he's beautiful. The whole story is kind of inspired by Alan being mildly self-conscious, and by Hawkeye not looking like a conventional "hero".

“See, there you go again!” Hawk says. “Look, pal, I’ve looked in the mirror a handful of times in my life, and I can tell you, it’s never Gene Kelly looking back at me.”

Why did I pick Gene Kelly? Because at the time I was mildly obsessed with Singin in the Rain. Although, personally, I prefer Donald O'Connor.

ANYWAY EVERYONE SHOULD TELL HAWKEYE HE'S PRETTY.

“Well why didn’t you lead in with that?” Hawk asks, certain he’s bright red by now. “I’d have believed you much sooner if you’d brought up sex.”

Don't you love when he says something upsetting and means it? I do. But like Hawkeye reducing himself to a tired old lech (this is particularly on my mind at the moment having watched That's Show Biz the other night. Hawkeye ties his worth to being good in bed.

Idiot.

“Too long nose. Too many limbs that are too long and gangly. I look like a stick insect. The wrong face.” Hawk gestures to himself. “Extra fat in the wrong places and skinny everywhere else. A small cock.”

And here's where i confess something: i don't like that last line. At the time I wrote this, the server I was in LOVED Hawkeye having a small cock and I kind of ran with that based on their influence. On my own merits, I wouldn't have written that because it feels cliche to me, a way of making him the "woman" in his and BJ's relationships. So anyway, this is an average Hawk cock truther blog.

“Yeah,” Hawk says. “In the same way Igor is a gourmet chef.”

On your left, you'll see me never missing the chance to take a jab at Igor, who I irrationally dislike.

“Shush.” BJ says, giving Hawk a searching look. “Your face is just right, dummy. Maybe your nose is long, but it gives you character that Gene Kelly could only dream of. Skinny arms and legs, so what? The food’s bad and you happen to be tall. I’ve heard women - and men - like that.”

Someone commented this on the fic i believe - and I agree wholeheartedly - that it's important that BJ doesn't dismiss how Hawkeye feels. He acknowledges those feelings and then proceeds to say that he loves them. That matters to me at least (also my nose is slightly too big so <3 )

“No,” BJ murmurs. “It’s the curve of your ear, and the silver in your hair, and the scar you have from falling off your bike when you were six, and the blue of your eyes and the scar on your lip… you’re beautiful, Hawkeye.”

I'm quite proud of this line! (most of the time I look back at older writing and go 'ehhh what's so special about it' but this line...)

anywayyyy I love them. Thank you!

[glacialswordsman]

ᴛᴀɢ ᴅᴜᴍᴘ 𝟏 / ?

☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ behind the scenes. ⊰ ooc ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ on stage. ⊰ ic ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ beneath the mask. ⊰ headcanons ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ fanmail. ⊰ answered asks ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ pass the script. ⊰ ask prompt ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ shine the spotlight. ⊰ promo ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ intermission. ⊰ queue ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ character study. ⊰ musings ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ afterpiece. ⊰ dash games ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ between engagements. ⊰ dash commentary ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ break character. ⊰ crack ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ center of interest. ⊰ self-promo ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ cinematography. ⊰ video ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ artistic director. ⊰ my art ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ expository scene. ⊰ closed starter ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ curtain time. ⊰ thread ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ curtain call. ⊰ thread end ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ death at the box office. ⊰ dni ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ dramaturgy. ⊰ aesthetic ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ encore. ⊰ music ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ aesthetic distance. ⊰ wip ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ mise-en-scène. ⊰ art ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ improvisation. ⊰ open starter ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ melpomene. ⊰ introspection ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ dressing room. ⊰ visage ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ soliloquy. ⊰ one-shot ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ public address system. ⊰ psa ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ theater program. ⊰ pinned ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ slapstick. ⊰ meme ⊱ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ callbacks. ⊰ saved ⊱

[gerec]

Last question, this time for director's cut of The Hideaway and specifically chapters 42 and 43. Usually vampire stories aren't my cup of tea but I like that dark!Charles too much.

For The Hideaway:

I love vampire stories, and I especially love writing Charles and Raven as monster siblings who enable each other's bad behaviour. I'm generally neutral to uninterested in Raven as a character, except in this one type of situation where she's almost always his co-conspirator lol. And I think an unhinged and unleashed Charles is much more frightening than a similarly inclined Erik if only for how his power can be twisted to take free will away from his victims completely.

In this verse, I imagine Erik has lasted longest out of all the 'victims' the siblings have become obsessed with, because of his resilience, his smarts and his strength of will. So they play a game with him, letting him 'get away' until he starts to think he's finally free and then they swoop in and claim him again for a while before the cycle continues. I imagine they've been dragging this game on for decades at this point and will do so until they finally turn him against his will...

Fanfic Writers: Director’s Cut

[marley-manson]

I would love to hear any "director's commentary" you have on Army Style. It's one of my favorite MASH fics and I love not only the attention to historical details but everyone's characterization.

Thank you for asking! And thank you for the comment, I'm super stoked that it's one of your faves 💖

fic is here

ask meme is here

I basically had the idea when I was disappointed by how the later seasons had way fewer gay jokes than the early seasons lol, and I wanted to headcanon an explanation for that, so I had this idea that Hawkeye had a close call with a blue discharge and started playing it a lot safer afterwards.

I didn't really consider writing a fic though until I started doing a lot of hobby reading on midcentury gay history alongside Mash, and having a lot of thoughts on historical accuracy in fic and feeling like I was getting enough of a sense of the time period that I could maybe do a half decent job at exploring it.

I cited the main book that was my inspiration in the author's notes, Coming Out Under Fire by Allan Bérubé, but in addition to that I was reading like, One Magazine, Gay New York by George Chauncey, old 40s and 50s Canadian tabloid letters to the editor featuring debates about gay rights lol, this site which is a v cool resource, The Lavender Scare by David Johnson, Gay Talk by Bruce Rogers, Letters to One and Masked Voices by Craig Loftin, a little blue book on homosexuality published in like the 20s that I could imagine Hawkeye reading as a kid... not that all of these sources are necessary for authenticity or anything, and I definitely wasn't reading them just for the fic lol I'm not that into research, but I figure a director's commentary is a good place to make a list of various things I happened to be reading that helped inform the fic.

Another motivation for writing this was like... idk, wanting an alternative to fics and headcanons where everyone knows Hawkeye is bi and supports him or looks the other way because the 4077 is one big happy family, but not wanting an angst fest where he gets discharged or everyone turns on him and he loses his friends because now they know, etc. I just kinda felt like the most realistic thing that would happen if someone accused Hawkeye of homosexuality was this - the cast would largely support him but more because they don't believe it, rather than because they're allies or family. And that's its own source of more lowkey, subtle angst, which is my bag baby.

So I guess I have an agenda in wanting to show that Hawkeye isn't really an open secret despite the jokes, largely because he's charismatic and good at making friends and very good at his job. No one would want to believe it.

There's no real dividing line where the jokes have a steep drop off imo, but between seasons 7+8 felt like a natural place to set it, and I liked incorporating the notorious joke with Flagg as an inciting incident.

For a while I was thinking it would be pretty short and just like, Hawkeye being accused and denying it and the rest of the cast vouching for him, all set at the 4077. I considered having him sent to a hospital when I read a section about it in Coming Out Under Fire, but I was like 'nooo that's so much work I don't wanna.'

And then as I wrote it the fic just went that direction anyway so I rolled with it and did my best.

Gonna do a bit of a play by play now, scanning through the fic and seeing what stands out to me to comment on.

-- Hawkeye makes like 3 times as many gay jokes as usual at the start of this fic because a) they're really fun to write, and b) I think it makes sense for Hawkeye who tends to say exactly what's on his mind. It's what he's worried about and thinking about, so it's what keeps coming out of his mouth. Plus I read the jokes in canon as not so much Hawkeye throwing caution to the wind, as Hawkeye knowing that it's a way he can be open to some extent about how he feels - the way he always wants to be emotionally genuine - without actually drawing suspicion. He goes a little overboard but everyone who knows him is like 'yeah not surprised, Hawkeye gonna Hawkeye.' So he's generally right about the jokes being safe.

-- I wanted all of the supporting cast to have a different reaction to the investigation. Radar is the least supportive and most homophobic about it, because honestly that just fits how I see him. He's canonically uncomfortable with a lot of Hawkeye's jokes, sometimes mildly like a long-suffering little brother but sometimes weirdly hostile about it lol. I think he'd believe it's true pretty quick and be disturbed by it, but be swayed by Hawkeye denying it and reminding him of their friendship, because he doesn't want to believe it. Also by this point in the series he's pretty grouchy in general.

-- And I have Klinger as the only one who knows Hawkeye's bi and doesn't give a fuck, because I believe that's true in my soul and I didn't feel like it even needed an explanation lol. But the explanation in my head is that Hawkeye rolled up to the 4077 on his first day, saw Klinger in a dress, thought 'wow that's bold' and asked him where the gay scene on campus is with hardly any deniability in his phrasing. And Klinger was like, lol why does this keep happening, and pointed him to some of the other people who did the exact same thing (including Trapper), and they all have a monthly poker night (which Klinger goes to too even though he insists he's straight.)

-- The interview in general was fun to write. Hawkeye breezing through at first, until the revelation that it's not about Flagg's report throws him off, and then the reminder of Tommy's death sending him into rant mode. Hawkeye's confident and charismatic so it takes something extra to make him fuck up here. It did take a lot of rewriting to feel like it escalated smoothly and made sense emotionally though.

-- I'm kinda proud of the little twist of this fic lol. Hawkeye having already been reported by Tommy's lover ages ago, unbeknownst to him because the dude only knew of him as "Hawkeye" and no one could connect that name to "Benjamin Pierce" until Flagg's report. It was a fun way of using the fact that Hawkeye goes by a nickname as a plot point. It was also a good way of making it so the jokes aren't actually the problem and Hawkeye is right about how they're pretty safe - if it was just Flagg's report it would've been laughed off and thrown away. And it's a way of including the army coercing names out of people, since I didn't have them trying that with Hawkeye at the hospital.

-- “Lieutenant Jacobs is married.” Said with a mild glare at Hawkeye. “Well, I wasn’t exactly planning to propose to her.”

lol I only included this to push back against the common misconception that Hawkeye is morally against sleeping with married women.

-- I had a whole issue with misremembering GFA being set in Tokyo instead of Seoul when I wrote this, so I just wrote with the assumption that Sidney worked at a different hospital and this was a different hospital than the one in GFA so the descriptions were all different, etc, and then I realized my mistake and had to rewrite everything and give a reason for Sidney to be elsewhere lol. On the plus side I got to add in some ominous GFA foreshadowing towards the end.

-- hmmm upon scanning through the fic I've noticed that I had Potter referring to Tommy's boyfriend as 'the kid' at one point, which is kind of funny because I'd used that casual phrasing a couple more times before realizing it could sound kind of skeevy and edited it out. I was envisioning him as like 19-21ish though lol so it makes sense that it slipped through. Anyway everyone's a kid from Potter's perspective, even if he shouldn't know his age.

-- I always wonder about GFA and Hawkeye's claustrophobia, whether he was locked in his room at all. Despite it not being mentioned in GFA I figured I had to address it a little because I like Hawkeye's claustrophobia, so I had Hawkeye feeling a little freaked out but not too bad because it's a big enough ward.

-- I hate writing OCs. I'm not creative, I have zero interest in inventing people, it's a big chore. I usually pick names by looking at bookshelves or lists of people and mixing and matching first and last names at random. Hopefully you can't tell from reading this lol since there are several OCs. I tried to write them pragmatically, to fill a role in the story, and make their vibe consistent. And they're all minor characters so they don't really have to be fleshed out much at least.

-- This was written as a long one shot but when I was finished I figured it would probably be a more approachable read if it was divided into two parts.

-- BJ is awkwardly dancing around the possibility that the accusation is true in his own mind. For me BJ's whole thing is denial lol, I have a few wips from his point of view as well and they're all about him avoiding some kind of truth or revelation. He takes the path of least resistance when he can.

No, if there was even a tiny kernel of truth in the accusation about his friend, it was nothing more than maybe one youthful, experimental indiscretion. Nothing that meant anything about him now, and nothing the army had any business digging up. Radar was just a kid, after all. He didn’t understand the difference.

Also couldn't resist vaguely implying that BJ might've exchanged handjobs with a friend back in the day himself lol.

-- Hawkeye was a happy, confident, successful guy, about as far from the self-loathing, secretive neurotics you read about in the tabloids as you could get.

I also wanted to include this to show how being popular and charismatic and cool could be protection from these accusations. This is something Coming Out Under Fire actually got into - how you were more likely to get accused and discharged if you weren't likeable, whereas funny cool likeable guys got away with camping it up all the time. And the most important thing in the army especially was competence, which Hawkeye also has in spades.

-- The nurses discussion was self indulgent lol, and came out of reading about how widely read and impactful the kinsey report was. DeGroot was a very late addition because I wanted more negative consequences and an example of the witchhunting vibe. Margaret's musing at the end is maybe a little bit redundant after BJ, I realize now lol, since I also kind of imply she had a lesbian experience or two, but it's ambiguous and maybe more easily read as her having had a gay friend. I definitely wasn't aiming for an 'everyone at the 4077 is queer' vibe for this lol, but tbf it's historically accurate for army medical units and the WAC to be statistically very gay.

-- Got to get into some of my Hawkeye headcanons for the interview with McKay, which was fun. I always imagine Daniel Pierce as fairly leftist and cool, which is why Hawkeye is so brash and confident. And Hawkeye has been a popular kid all his life to me, he's no former awkward nerd or wallflower or bullied weird kid. Not homecoming king but friends with him sums his childhood up to me.

-- Not sure Hawkeye should cavalierly mention living in sin with Carlye upon reflection lol, but I don't think it was illegal? Anti-cohabitation laws wrt men and women living together were a thing, but I'm sure would have varied from place to place. I tried to research this once but couldn't find much info though.

-- “Did you imagine marrying her often?” “All the time,” Hawkeye lied. “If she’d said anything before leaving I would’ve proposed on the spot.” That was probably true, honestly. But, with all the clarity of hindsight twice over, he knew it would’ve been a mistake. Carlye wanted things from him that he didn’t have to give; it would’ve dissolved anyway, whether into divorce or into unhappy affairs. She’d probably known that long before he’d figured it out.

My thoughts on their relationship in a nutshell lol. Marriage far from Hawk's mind but something he definitely would've done if she'd asked, and then regretted in short order because they're just not compatible.

-- “Do you want to have children?” “Absolutely.” Whether they were in the cards was anyone’s guess, but given the opportunity he’d order half a dozen.

I see Hawkeye liking kids and potentially wanting kids and being a great father if he had them, but never actually having kids and being fine with that too. And not because of GFA either (though it doesn't help), but because in my headcanons he eventually ends up in a committed relationship with a dude. I have a post-canon wip I will finish where he does find a way to have both, in a way.

-- lol this medical interlude was such a pain to research and write, but I guess I felt like I needed some kind of action so that the whole hospital sequence wasn't just introspection, plus it's an illustration of how poorly they're treated, and how great Hawkeye is in the face of it.

-- Also I really enjoy writing a pissed off Hawkeye pov, his humour gets so biting when he's in a bad mood, and I really lean into that when writing his inner monologue. I might exaggerate that a bit honestly - it happens sometimes in the show, but sometimes he's just humourless when upset. But in my fics he's never humourless lol, unless maybe he's being really emotionally supportive for someone.

-- “I blame the war,” he lied. Blaming the war was like blaming a fire for burning down his house. No, he blamed the arsonists: Truman, MacArthur, America, every army involved, every American Tommy was trying to educate with his book, whoever the hell ordered him into that battle, Tommy’s recruiting officer, Tommy, and his own damn self for not immediately diagnosing him with a heart murmur or sawing off his leg and getting him sent home as soon as he found him in Korea.

I looove the way Hawkeye assigns responsibility to people, rather than treating the war like an inevitability.

-- (oh, sure, he supported the president. He was supplying the guy with half his reading material; he should be earning a salary as Truman's personal entertainer)

Also loooove that it's a recurring thing that Hawkeye writes to the president lol, I absolutely headcanon it as regular stress relief for him.

-- “You know there’s no physiological difference between degenerates and fine, upstanding members of society, right?” he said as he disrobed. “Have you read up on the literature?” the doctor asked, far from innocently. He had, as a matter of fact.

This is a historically accurate depiction of two different professional opinions on the subject, as far as I could tell from my reading, and army doctors did use like hips to waist ratio and various other measurements as evidence of homosexuality. The gag reflex thing is accurate too.

-- I enjoyed how I wrote Potter in this fic as Hawkeye's number one ally but also the representative of the army who Hawkeye doesn't fully trust, and who protects Hawkeye because he's his friend and a good surgeon and an asset to the unit, rather than because he disagrees with the army ideologically. To him it's a stupid thing to care about because Hawkeye is saving lives and investigations are a lot of hassle, but he's not gonna be, like, calling General Imbrie to plead the nurse's case.

There's something weirdly satisfying about writing Potter in general in a "good" role, because I don't like him on the show much and it's fun to kind of subtlely play with his flaws without making him an antagonist.

-- Highlighting the gay ward's party vibe at this point in the story and Hawkeye finding it comforting is mainly a way to make the ending feel worse lol.

And if he did get out of here scot free, then what? Keep his head held high and his sense of humor alive and kicking, or put his head down and just get to the end of the war without losing his surgical career?

The former, he told himself. It had gotten him through almost two years, not just without getting caught, but without losing his mind. One stumble wasn't enough to justify calling off the marathon. And the thought of wrapping himself in olive drab and marching in time with everyone else was so sad it made him want to cry. No. He’d make it through the rest of the war, and he’d do it without changing himself to suit the straight-laced, and just plain straight, sensibilities of his overlords. Then he’d go back home to Boston, take back his old job, and fuck the first guy to look him up and down, just to prove he could.

Like by grouping 'not changing in the army' together with 'going home and fucking a man first thing' I'm implying that Hawkeye's maybe a little overly optimistic here, and the hesitation he ends the fic on might extend back home too.

This is absolutely counter to everything I believe about Hawkeye post war lmao, I 100% envision him living a gay life outside of work, and even in the context of this fic I'd prefer to imagine it as a psychological barrier he'll overcome rather than an ominous omen that he's gonna fully closet himself and live heterosexually ever after, but yk. I also like sadness and misery and the army ruining everything, and that's what this fic is all about, so I gotta at least imply it as a possibility.

-- lol this final good cop bad cop style interview was another very late addition partly so the hospital stay didn't just trail off awkwardly, and partly to parallel the army as a whole. Like the good cop pointedly resembles Potter and Potter even echoes him when he says "who needs the paperwork?"

The point is just that this is a small scale version of what I see happening to Hawkeye throughout the show and this fic, between dad figure Potter and other friendly military faces and the bad cop of military authority behind them, like the whole investigation. He catches the trick in this scene, but on a grander scale he does succumb to that authority more and more as the show goes on, and in this fic ultimately Potter wins a victory over him in a sense with Hawkeye toning himself down to fall in line more.

-- He kept the regulation boxers and socks he’d put on that morning — the underwear he’d arrived in was mixed with the rest of the laundry now, so he figured he was entitled — and everything else went down a laundry chute. “So long,” he sing-songed out loud as he sent them off. “Let’s not meet again.”

lol one of a few ominous GFA references towards the end here as he leaves the hospital (for now)

-- I think my one regret is not having Charles at the welcome back celebration. Honestly I just kinda forgot lol, and his absence feels conspicuous upon re-read.

-- And yeah, love me a bittersweet ending and I think this one was successful. Hawkeye beats the charges, but is confronted with the conditionality of his friendships and cowed into hiding himself a little more along the way. Love that kind of shit.

[meyerlansky]

⭐️!!!!!!

this one's top of mind purely because it makes me laugh every time i think about it, and no one's commented on it so i'm gonna point it out. from moon's low:

“What crawled up your ass when I wasn’t looking?” Bucky hisses at him.

it's funny because bucky's always looking at curt's ass. 'cause they're fuckin'.

director's commentary meme!

[kybelles]

HELLO HI HELLO I AM HERE FOR THE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY MEME:

"There is a reason why Damen put Pallas and Lydos in charge. They are a terrific pair, so in sync without even needing to communicate verbally, and to this day they have never failed to manage one of the tasks Damen has assigned to them. Perhaps it’s vain of him but they also remind Damen of his youthful days with Nikandros and the thought fills his chest with fondness.

Fondness and some other emotion. Damen doesn’t dwell on it."

hello hi hello love 💕 💕 thank you so much for asking!

OH BOY THIS PART…… idk if you can tell but whenever i write about damen and nik in my fics i’d like to portray their relationship as ambitious as possible. there’s always a very strong implication that nik does feel something for damen, something more than one would feel for a beloved friend or god forbid a brother but for various reasons he knows it’s not going to go anywhere. especially after damen meets laurent and he marries sibylla. (i’d also like to point out that nik does love sib! it’s just that damen will always be his the one that got away)

damen is very aware of those feelings but he’d rather die than acknowledging this situationship cause he loves nik sooooo much (just not in the way nik hoped) and acknowledging it would mean damen is actively hurting nik even if that’s not his intention at all.

so i’d say that “some other emotion” damen doesn’t dwell on is mostly guilt 🥲

[liobi]

Stars!

Every one of my fics has a secret playlist! Many of them have chapter names pulled off of lyrics from one of the songs, and I always at the very least put the final song (which on my playlists is like a closing statement almost. the emotional climax etc) in the fic itself. Some of you know these playlists are available on request for completed fics but until this point it's kind of been a secret menu thing.

Also when it comes to fic topics, previously my blorbos were beagle and popukar but Lappland just came in like a dark horse candidate and swept me away. Also im glad my fics make people think about my galaxy brain pairings and characters they hadn't really considered because arknights has a lot of fucking characters!!!! More love for the 2&3*s please

[liesmyth]

ao3 directors commentary for the eddie kaspbrak reddit one bc holy shit i didn’t realize that was you

WHAT A BLAST FROM THE PAST THANK YOU

I killed a clown. AMA! (IT Movies — Eddie/Richie; Outsider POV / social media fic)

I (39M) got stabbed twice today and now I want a divorce. Help? Or: the one where Eddie is on Reddit.

Like I said in the fic endnotes, this one owes a lot to anons over at FFA (anon comm on dreamwidth) where some beautiful-brained anon came up with the idea of "What if reddit’s response to a Reddie fixit fic plot?" with a lot of interesting conversations about how Eddie would totally be a redditor and he would type out long winded screeds about his emotional state and family and childhood trauma and how absolutely nut it would look from the outside. So that was the original idea, and I casually started coming up with thread names and ideas about what Eddie could possibly get up to on reddit

I (37M) accidentally called my wife (38F) ‘mommy’. Now she’s mad at me

I think this was the one that made me go, "Wait, there's a funny fic here." I had a blast trying to come up with a plausible reddit user history for Eddie (he's into cars and haunts r/personalfinance and offers terribly backhanded advice!) and Myra (she likes the bachelor and has a messy family of her own). I love writing outsider POV fics because you get to pick and choose how much should be revealed and when for maximum effect; this was one of those fics where I knew 100% where I was going from the start and it was all about crafting it and it felt SO satisfying.

Formatting it was hell. In the years since I wrote this fic someone has come up with a CSS skin that makes everything look like a reddit thread and it looks so much better and I keep telling myself I will edit the fic and update to the skin but. The idea of formatting it again is daunting. ONE DAY.

Thank you so much for asking me about this fic it was such a great blast from the past <3

[fanfic writers director's cut meme!]