#did they... did they just not want anybody to enjoy winter what was the logic behind that absurdly high of a number

[itsmegunsworddeep]

anyone else look at the winter magic system and see 18 thousand points needed to complete it and instantly go "ah a feature that is not for me, a person who has a life"??

[lorei-writes]

Emoji Prompts

Arthur x Reader Fluff

ARTY. I MISSED HIM SO SO SO MUCH.

Request: @nuttytani​ Prompt list

💓 How do they act when they realize they’re in love/have a crush?

Honestly, Arthur is terrified - and the giddiness he feels when looking at you does not make it any better! Listen, he tries to be nice and just the normal kind of polite, he tries to hold back with habitual flirting, he  r e a l l y  attempts to pretend before himself that you’re just that amazing and that anybody would feel the same if they got to know you just as well as he does!

However, he doesn’t lie to himself for long. After all,he knows that deep down, he’s just scared. For once, he actually feels something deeper towards somebody, and he truly believes for it to be genuine. Yet... People are fragile things. He knows that better than anybody, and him being a vampire hardly helps. He is not ready for another parting.

He... He hesitates a little. He tries to prove to you that the world is much more dangerous than you assume it is, that he is not this kind... Yet, the same way the rainfall cannot last forevermore, his anxiety eases too. With time, and some patience from your side.

(...) “Hmm? What is it? You have something you want to ask me about? I’m all ears then.” (...) “Haha, about that...” “Well, I am glad we made that bet.” (...) “What? Me? Sappy? Oh luv, how dare!”

🤧 How far will they go to take care of their sick s/o?

My, my, sickness came over you? You can bet Arthur is going to employ all of his knowledge - and mind you, he has a medical degree - to aid you. Rest assured, however, unless your condition is really dire, he will not panic. He will just... Make sure you can come back to health under optimal resting conditions.

Arthur has seen enough people suffer. He is more than aware that overexertion is not going to help you - as such, he will make sure you can focus on yourself without worrying about your work. If running some errands is what it takes for you to be able to relax? He doesn’t mind (and for that matter, neither do the other residents of the mansion).

However, if even that fails him... He will write and read stories, just for you. He will brew you tea, he will bring you breakfast to bed, and if the condition turned out to be of the persistent and exhausting type, he’d find time for you both to sit in the gardens, to catch some sun. If it was winter, he’d insist on short walks - and he’d always make sure to wrap the scarf around you, so that no frost could bite your skin.

“Good morning! You’re up early today.” (...) “Hah, I see. How’s the fever? Did you have shivers at night?” (...) “Oh, don’t look at me like that, love. I just have to know... Heavens, your forehead still feels hot.” [...] (...) “Huh? What was it?” “You don’t want for me to worry?” (...) “Please. It’s only natural I worry a little. But I trust you will be right as rain before I even know it.”

😎 How do they impress their s/o?

The sweetest thing about Arthur is that he doesn’t need to try to impress, as he is most impressive when he isn’t even trying. The way he treats children, the thought he puts into his stories, the effort he makes to use his abilities to help others, the way he can use logical reasoning to solve the most cryptic of mysteries - it all seems to come so effortlessly to him.

Arthur may be flirting with you, he may be using honeyed words, he may take you on the walks and make sure you enjoy yourself... Yet in doing all of this, he fails to realise that the most impressive thing about him is the person he himself is. So little, and so much.

[dapandapod]

Hehe I'm gonna spam you

33 with lambden? 🥺 Lambert being hugged for the first time ever, or the first time in a very long while (since he last saw Aiden)

33. the hug from that one person who is allowed to hug you

Feel free my sweet! This accidently got a bit sad, with all the canon pains I could fit into it, but not as sad as it could have gotten. But there be hug!! And thank you @kuripon for doing a beta read for me, you are the best! Enjoy <3

Warnings: Canon typical violence and swearing, implied loss of Aiden but not to worry, no permanent harm will come to my boy. Take care!

Send me a hug prompt! On Ao3! Hug collection here

Lambert doesn’t have a good relationship with skin to skin contact. One way or another, it has always connected to pain.

Be it in a past life, where his father took out his rage and disappointment in the world on those he was supposed to love the most.

Be it the place that didn’t let him protect his family and put him through torture he barely survived.

Be it by the hand of a lover, who would accept coin to carve another mark into his skin.

There is no logical reason to let anybody close enough, not for a quick fuck or even a brotherly clasp of arms. There is nothing to gain from another body against his, except for the most temporary of sensations.

Lambert always took pride in his honesty. He doesn’t fear voicing his thoughts, the feelings he is told he doesn’t have. There is no point in softening his words. The one thing that Lambert appreciates most from others is their respect and their truth.

Many people don’t like Lambert. Too many sharp edges and blunt words. But someone he could never get rid of was Aiden. He is a Cat witcher, and there are enough jokes about cats and dogs to understand where this is going.

Aiden isn’t scared off. Aiden doesn’t leave. Aiden doesn’t take it personally when Lambert is fed up with all the bullshit around him.

It is… odd, and strangely comforting. The one person that can match him step for bloody step, the one man who can turn a prank into a crime.

Lambert isn’t shy with admitting his thoughts. Maybe he doesn’t tell Aiden to his face that he is the best man he has ever met, but it’s a near thing.

But not as near as Aiden keeps standing, sitting, sleeping next to him. Young witchers could fall asleep mid wrestle and still not be as close as Aiden is at all times.

At first, Lambert loathes it. Skin on skin contact, then you have let them too close, and by then, you are already dead. A hand on the back of his neck, by his elbow. Shoulder bumps, knees pressing together, clapping on the back.. it never ends.

They spend a lot of time together, however, and Lambert more or less gets used to it. He allows it, sometimes even initiating the touch.

But winter comes and Aiden is called away. It is too late in the year to make it to Kaer Morhen, so he is stuck. He finds a town big enough to flit between taverns and inns without raising too much suspicion, but he hates it.

Some people fancy a taste of danger and more than once, Lambert has to fend off people approaching him for a quick roll in the hay.

This is when he realizes he has changed. Their hands stray, yes, more than he has ever allowed hands to stray without a reason before. But it doesn’t feel right, and he doesn’t want them in his bed, or himself in theirs.

Come spring, Aiden’s hand on his shoulder is a relief, his shoulder against his back as he laughs too loudly.

Come spring, Lambert learns a new way to show affection. The word in itself makes him shiver in distaste, but he can’t find any other word that fits well enough.

Come spring, Lambert is crawling out from some mines infested with Endrega warriors with a big gash in his leg. When he wobbles, he thinks Aiden means to catch him, but instead of steadying him and then letting go, Aiden steps into his space.

He is too tired to protest, the toxins clouding his mind and adrenaline making his hands shake. Aiden drops his sword and then guides Lambert's head to lay on his shoulder. Gently, he pries Lambert’s own sword out of his white knuckled grip, and he arranges them around his own hips.

Aiden puts his arms around Lambert's shoulders and back, pulling him close to take most of his weight.

“Neat, huh?” Aiden says, voice low and calm. “A trick I learned from a prostitute in Vizima a few years back. She called it an embrace.”

“I know what a hug is, Aiden,” Lambert snarks, heart doing all kinds of acrobatics in his chest. He can’t decide if it’s all the potions, Aiden's proximity or if he is just dying, but something is up.

“Have you ever had one?” Aiden asks knowingly, and that shuts Lambert up. “I find it calms you down a bit after you get used to it.”

“Hmm.” Oh no, he sounds like Geralt. “Fuck.” Better.

“I know, right? I didn’t trust her at all, and rightly so it would turn out, as she sent the witch hunters on me after I paid, but that embrace really did wonders for my blood pressure.”

“You have perfect control of your blood pressure.”

“Exactly.”

Eventually, they have to let go. There are unnerving sounds of movement still in the mines, so Lambert decides to drop a bomb on their asses, and hopefully close the entrance well behind them.

After that they have to go collect payment, find a room, or at least a place to camp for the night. The innkeeper claps his hand on Lambert's shoulder, and it is not only because of the bruise that he makes a face and pulls away.

They do manage to get a room, just the one, but with two beds at least, not the kind they have to share with four others.

With no more potions clouding his mind, and no more enrega warriors crawling about, Lambert sits on the edge of his bed, fiddling with one of his daggers. He feels restless, even a little nervous, and he can’t stop thinking how for the first time ever, being close to someone made him feel safe.

“Hey, Aiden?”

Aiden turns around, his face cleaner now but his hair still standing in every direction. When their eyes meet and Aiden smiles, Lambert knows he is fucked.

“Yes, Lambchops?”

“Could you show me that hug-thing again?”

Aiden’s smile widens, but he doesn’t tease, doesn’t say anything, just stands in the middle of the room, arms open and leaves it to Lambert to come to him.

So he does. Lambert uses the exact same pose as hours before, letting his head drop to Aiden’s shoulder again.

They stand in silence for a long time, and Lambert’s body starts to settle. He realizes he wouldn’t let anyone this close. There are people he trusts with his life that he wouldn’t let hold him like this.

Just like everything else with Aiden, the Cat witcher has to push it. The hands on Lambert's back and shoulders start to move. Small circles, little squeezes. It feels nice.

“You know, this works lying down too. We can sleep like this,” Aiden offers.

“Flirt,” Lambert mutters, but doesn’t let go.

It is hard for Lambert to disassociate skin to skin contact with pain. If a witcher lets his guard down too much, that witcher will be no more.

Hugs, or as Aiden insists on calling them, embraces, are rare, often after a rough contract or a near death experience.

The worst part is not having to endure the pain to get that one rare treat.

The worst part is losing it.

The first time Lambert ever initiates a hug is when he finds Aiden again, after many long, cold, and lonely years. He is a different person, a little broken and rough around the edges.

Lambert has never loved him more.

[naomana]

Birthday piece for @samtrapani big 22! Means year 2022 is your year Six! I believe in you, you will achieve everything you always wanted!

Enjoy, Leo’s silly little rabbit >:3

It was day like any other. Sunny although still bit chilly. Not too bad for end of January, winter was slowly wrapping up, ready to be replaced by spring. Six was slowly waking up in good mood. How could he not? It was his birthday. And despite anybody would be pretty grumpy to spend their birthday at work, he wasn't. He was looking forward to it, every single day. Because he could see the man that captured him completely, without even knowing it.

Quick shower, get dressed and push his hair back, rushing out of the door. He had to be at the place before anybody wakes up, ready to do whatever was needed from him. He never expected to get so close to the man himself, but things just happened. He was kinda promoted into the position after Pepe was shot couple of months ago and couldn't look after himself, yet alone after Galante. And despite Six being smaller than Pepe, who wasn't the man was like a mountain, he could very easily defeat people in fist fight and his aim was more than good.

He had the key so he had no problem getting inside, walking upstairs right to Galante's bedroom. He knocked softly, not to startle the old man and walked inside after couple of second of silence. It was still quite early, so there was no surprise he was still asleep. What was a surprise, a big surprise, was Galante's bed more full than usual. His eyes landed on Galante's sleeping face, facing the door, with another man curled next to him. And the second man wasn't anybody else but Pepe.

What the heck was he supposed to do? Wake them up, letting them know they were just caught.. caught doing what exactly? They were just asleep cuddling each other. There was always explanation for that. However when Galante turned around to face Pepe, the sheets slided down revealing their nudity. Except Pepe's bandages, they were butt ass naked. There was no logical explanation for that, they clearly had a thing going on between them. It wasn't really that shocking, there were rumours going around about those two, especially because of their prison sentence.

He was honestly considering to leave, knock again and just pretend he never saw anything. But trying to hide the excitement was difficult because.. if Leo snuggled Pepe like this, he could, hypothetically speaking of course, snuggle him like this as well. That'd be the best birthday present ever, no doubts about that.

"What the fuck?" Pepe's croaky voice asked, as he just woke up and noticed him standing there.

Oh shit! There was no way he could now disappear and pretend he didn't see a thing. Why was Pepe even suprised to see him there? Why was he even still there? Surely, now that he thought about it, Pepe would stay some nights and disappear before Six arrived. Why today of all days, did he take to risk to stay longer?

"What is it Pepe?" Leo finally woke up, trying to snuggle back to warm mountain called Pepe, but he was already getting out of the bed to find his clothes, groaning in pain in process.

"Six is here. What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked him, pulling his underpants on as Six tried to look anywhere but his groin (that was hard to overlook) and just turned his eyes to the ceiling, as if he never saw the massive antique chandelier before. Very classy, very Galante.

"It's 8." He said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Moments later, Pepe stood in front of him half dressed.

"Isn't it your day of? So what are you doing here?" Oh? OH! Of course. He completely forgot. He was so used to get up and get his ass over, he forgot he asked for the day off a while ago. He didn't even know why, not like he had anybody to celebrate it with.

"R-right. It must have slipped my mind." He said and looked at Pepe, who was looking at him with frown. Bet he was pretty angry to get caught, despite their peaceful embrace was cute as hell. For a moment there, he just wished to find himslef in the middle, getting snuggled by both of them.

"Slipped your mind huh?" Leo sat on the edge of bed, covering his nudity with sheets while trying to wake up his delicate older body. "I-I can just leave you two." Six said and backed up little bit, only to be stopped by firm grip from Pepe and his always angry looking face went even angrier looking. Oh-no.

"Pepe. Let him go, he knows better than run his mouth, right?"

"Of course. I wouldn't.." Six shook his head and Pepe let go of him. As soon as his wrist was free, Six rubbed it gently. The grip was very tight, painful.

Leo finally pulled himself up on his feet, wrapping the sheet around his waist so he could walk around without being exposed. He stopped Six from leaving, there was no point to it now anyway. He was already there, already saw what he saw. Time to face it like adults they all were.

"Why did you ask for day off if you just show up anyways?" Leo asked out of curiosity and paused when he caught Six watching him, his eyes wandering. Oh?

"Nothing really that important. Just my birthday, ya know." Six mumbled and happily accepted offered cigarette from Pepe. The tall man was watching him, before he turned back to Leo.

"Birthday huh? So what the fuck are you doing here? Go home and celebrate it with your family or something." Leo waved his hand, not trying to be rude by kicking him out, just giving him the option to leave. He wasn't expecting him there so he already made different arrangements.

"Nobody to celebrate it with really." And he was pretty sure his friends were too busy to hang around with him. He'd just stay in bed all day, which was his original plan.

"You can stay here then. We have nothing important to do today, right Pepe? We can have little celebration here." Leo said gently, heading to his walk in wardrobe to get dressed. Six's eyes followed, before Pepe got into his visual field and blew cloud of smoke into his face. "Aren't your eyes really curious?"

"What? You're talking nonsense Pepe." Six tried to deflect, but it was late. Pepe noticed and it was clear as day. But he didn't say anything else and followed Leo to his closed, doing god know what in there.

Moments later they both returned, Pepe still in his pants and bandaged shoulder, Leo in his dark wine dressing gown, butt ass naked underneath. Oh that was gonna be awkward conversation.

"W-what?" Six asked, seeing both men watching him before Leo sat down on his bed again and gently patted the spot beside him. "Come here kid." Kid. He always hated to be called that, but loved the tone Leo used. Sweet and gentle, luring him and damn it, he wanted to be lured so badly. Without hesitation, he sat down there.

"So what do you want for your birthday, Lambkin?" That was new. He'd always call him by his name, or kid. Never giving him any cute nicknames. Was that reference to a Shakespeare? Of course he'd reference to Shakespeare. He could feel his cheeks turning aggressively pink. There was one thing he always wanted, but was too afraid to ask for. Could he actually ask f..

Leo's hand brushed over his knee, going up to his thigh and ever higher.

Movement in front of him brought him back to reality, seeing Pepe walking towards them. He completely forgot about that big dumb muscle. Was he about to have.. he couldn't even think about it straight.

"Did Pepe missunderstood, doll face?" Leo asked, hand almost in his crotch and Six slowly shook his head. Pepe had a good eye, way too good. He'd complain any other time, but not now. Now his good eye was very beneficial.

Leo's hand moved even higher, touching him through his pants and oh god, it felt so good. Pepe pushed him down on his back, yet again his eyes locked at the chandalier he already knew too damn well. The touches in his privates only amplified, adding another pair of hands, Pepe's hands. Slowly mapping his body, unbuttoning his suit jacket and shirt, revealing his naked skin.

"Look at you, so pretty. Isn't he pretty, Pepe?" Leo laid down next to him, moving his hand up, stroking every part of revealed skin with tip of his fingers.

"Pepe will make you feel really good. Won't you, Pepe?" He asked him, only getting muffled hm-m as answer as his mouth kept steady pace, sucking Six dry like there was no tomorrow. Six couldn't think about anything anymore. He just pulled Leo closer and kissed him, quietly moaning into his lips. His hand found way to Pepe's hair, squeezing them but not painfully. Just from the pure need to have some kind of 'control' over it. Pepe's mouth felt too good to hold it in for that long, finishing down his throat so the big dummy could swallow everything.

"Yeah, really pretty." Pepe climbed on top Six with soft grunt, his shoulder was still hurting him, but he paid no mind to it. He then pulled on Six's pants, undressing them in one quick movement. To be honest, he never thought Pepe would be involved but.. it was better than nothing. And Pepe wasn't bad looking, he was just bit dumb and..

"Oh!" Six let out loud moan. Stupid but damn his lips were soft, his mouth hot and tongue skillfull. Leo was watching his expression with soft smile, gently stroking his cheek before placing soft kiss on his lips.

"Good boy. Let Pepe take care of everything, kitten." Leo kissed him again before moving on the bed, laying down in the middle so Pepe could help Six on top of him, since he just turned into complete mush, unable to do anything. He was simply overstimulated. "Do you want to carry on?" Leo asked softly, playing with his hair and Six could only breathe out quiet 'yeah' as he laid between his legs, rubbing against him. Pepe kneeled behind him, already lubing his fingers before pushing them in, making Six whine and squirm into Leo's embrace.

The older man was stroking his back, kissing his cheeks while praising him, knowing just how much that big idiot could hurt somebody with his rough fingers and barely any sensibility. But it was very important to get him ready, because his cock could hurt twice as bad, especially with bad or no preparation.

"That's it Chaton, relax for me. Does it feel good? Your moaning is so sweet. Like a symphony for ears." More gentle words and appraciation. God, he felt so good. Slumbing into Leo's arms felt so damn good. Pepe's fingers rubbing against the right spot felt so good.

"Breathe pet." Pepe pushed his shoulders down, making his ass sticking out even more as he rubbed his erection against it. Six slumbed down into Leo's chest even more, breathing in the sweet scent of his cologne. It was very faded, naturally he had no time to re-apply it this morning just yet. Pepe pushed himself in little by little, watching his dick slowly disappearing inside with satisfied groan.

"Good. You feel so fucking good." He leaned down, kissing him between his shoulder blades. Six just moaned again, cheeks bright red and wet, the overstimulated brain told his eyes to cry and so they did, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Give him a second. Six look at me." Leo wiped of his tears and kissed him again. Pepe stopped, listening to Leo as always. He only moved again when he was gestured to. He wasn't the most sensible lover under the sun, if given free hand he'd just fuck ruthlessly, but he always listened to Leo.

He grabbed Six around his shoulders, thrusting into him with raspy moans, repeating him just how good he fucking felt. All while Leo kept caressing his face, kissing him with words of praise. Pepe was definitely big bite to take on and he did such a good job.

"Such a good boy. You're making Pepe feel so good, isn't it right?" Leo asked and Pepe let out another breathy moan, confirming his words. "So fucking good." He mumbled, sweat dripping between Six's shoulder blades, before Pepe rubbed his forehead against him.

"Tell me sweetheart, does Pepe make you feel good?" Leo asked, his hand slowly travelling to his groin to feel for himself. He was pleased with the discovery, stroking him with more words of praise.

"Good?" Leo asked him, playing with his damp hair from sweat, letting him slumber on top with tired gaze. Of course he was tired. Those two just tired him out for rest of the day. But that didn't matter because neither of them had any plans. They could stay in bed all day, snuggle all three. After all, it was Six's birthday and he deserved to be pampered after always sticking up for those two. Such a good loyal boy.

Six's eyes were teary again, feeling so close to second orgasm. Everything was just too much, he couldn't tell whose hands were stroking him where, whose lips were kissing him where.. whose words of praise were thrown his way. Opening and closing his lips, trying to say something but was unable. Just a little bit more.. just a little..

"Aghh!" He moaned loudly, dripping on top of Leo's cashmere dressing gown, squeezing Pepe inside even tighter, sending him over the edge with animalistic growl, he was shaking aggressively. So good.

[ameliyaahn3]

13 days series : Day One, 20th December.

Genre : Fluff, Comfort, (lame ass one) Humor.

Warning : Things get heated up at end but nothing shocking.

Word count : Around 1k800.

Summary : Akashi bringing his empress to his chalet for christmas holidays but it's also his birthday. What will Y/n prepare for him ?

Akashi Seijuro × Reader.

Even then, you weren't used of that life of luxury and comfort with Seijuro : whatever you would salivate for, he was capable to give it to you twice or in a matter of a minute -if that's not even too much-: what was for sure something you can't even dream of in your wildest fantasty. And as the wealthy man he is, once again Seijuro impressed you by bringing you on vaccation at his family chalet.

Snow was surronding the beautiful and big place when you stepped outside the car, a warm and refined hand holding your fingers at the same time. You turn your head to see your boyfriend smiling what does make you instantly excited as his eyes are slightly shining at your view. Your blood going trough your veins so fast, you can't help but wait to drag Seijuro into the house and listening to whatever he has to say about it.

You know his chalet to be somewhere he would at least visit once a year and as a place full of funny and innocent chilhood memories that conted by him would just sound so interesting. As the cold started to hit a little bit too harshly on your faces, Seijuro finally decided to guide you to the traditional house, maids and butlers behind with your baggages.

" Pleased, my love ?" You nodded positively, a grin forming on your lips, " How I could not ?" the majestous tree were absorbing your soul.

"I know that you're not always comfortable with my wealth and all thoses prestigious places but I hope this time you won't feel any discomfort being here." The way he talks so smoothely drives you naturally to look at his charming face, what do distract your attention from the unique landscape. However do you regret it ? Not even one second.

" I can't be bothered by a place that is like home for you." You said, your stomach feeling like there butterflies in it despite it does make 9 months you're together. Sensations conservating pretty good like an old bottle of wine, it's really something to be in couple with this man.

" I wish you would think of my gifts as the furnitures then." You chukle a little bit at his come-back, not bad actually but how could you not feel weird when he's offering you expensive jewerly and dates on the only motive that you're his lover ?

" Sei..."

" Because I can't imagine a world that I would truly enjoy without you, you deserve the best, Y/n. Though I've fallen for your independance, since we're one, everything mine is yours, you should not being ashamed of anything."

Seeing you opening your mouth to try to justifiate your attitude, Akashi shut it with his own, deposing a small peck on your lips that destroyed all trace of a logic and inteligent answer in your mind.

What a drag... How would you return him all he give to you the same ? Nothing that you can buy can value even the smallest thing that he had already offrered you, but it was his birthday tomorrow and except of your present you couldn't think of something appropriate to express your love to him.

" Shht, my dear. You know I'm right." He says with a smirk.

Besides making you feel like the first days, Seijuro know also how to make you pout like a child despite that you're supposed to be decently mature.

" That's not fair..."

────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

In front of the chimney, you observe the fire dancing, your head lies on Akashi shoulder's as he's taking a pause on his book and that a cup of hot chocolate is between your hands. It was for sure one of the most relaxing moment you ever had in the past 6 months, forgetting about school, work or whatever were drowning you down in general it was inexistant here.

" That table... I used to play on it a lot with my mother."

" What kind of games ?"

Akashi smile when he hear sincere interest in your voice, not surprised of your curiosity when it involve him even for the silliest subjects. It was one of the reason you were with him afterall and not another person.

" Cards games mostly and even if I was a child, I don't remember having similar struggles winning against my mother than anybody else till now."

" So she was an high level player ?"

" Surprisingly not and she would admit herself that she was even quite unlucky, I used to not understand why I had so much difficulties with her but now it's pretty clear that I was inconsciously doing of sort to play with her more."

" It's adorable but insulting at the same time, i don't know how I would take it if I was in her position. You didn't do this with me right ?"

"..."

His laugh makes you felt like death has suddenly taken your body and your diginity with it.

"Maybe you can try to found out yourself ?" He put his book aside, amused by the situation.

" I've never felt so insulted in my life... Seijuro affront me right now, one one." Determined by your pride you still kept your calm and called him more in a playful tone than anything else.

" You won't be mad at me when you will find out how I play with you Y/n?"

" I can't promise that... i've been believing that I was good at shogi during more than a year!"

" And you're good."

" But how do I know for real now ?"

"Alright, alright... let's play then. Even if you finish to be angry at me that wouldn't last long."

" Wha-? You know that you're irresistible and you makes benefit of it on me ?! That's vicious... and I love it against my own agreement. How do you do ? That's disgusting."

" You're doing this to me everyday, Y/n."

" No i don't..?"

" You definitely do."

You don't even bother to pursuing that thing and sit in front of the said table with cards that you found around. Today was the day of truth.

 ────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

After losing 13 rounds in a row you didn't bother to test Akashi again and let him with his undefeated title. But most importantly, while playing against him you didn't saw something that would say he was holding back on purpose, what surprised you and comforted you a little bit on your own skills.

After that, you decided to take an hot bath and you had a sumptuous diner which by the way makes you felt really heavy. Filled Up and clean, there was nothing that you would need in the moment and so time went by and at the end you wanted to sleep. The Emperor led you to your shared room and before letting your body enjoy a restful night, you took initiative of a cuddle session. Making soft contact with Akashi's skin, your fingers doing small circles on his palm hand and forearm.

As sleep is slowly taking you away, your boyfriend whispers lovely words in your right ear and stroke your back, plunging you into another world : Watching the snow failling gently in the window with the elegant lights of the room while being under thoses pretty sheets with Akashi Seijuro beside... Everything looked like a dream. You took a look in the direction of your hidden gift, thinking of how you would make it memorable and your eyes closed despite a sudden excitation and vague of ideas that poped in your head last minute.

During the whole night, it was like your soul aspired to wake up early and so you slept easily but as if you're body is schedulded, first hour in the morning, 5:45 am you were awake and as you were quiting bed stupid flash of the game yesterday evening came to your head making you thinking that Akashi pitiyied you because of small action in his game, you pipe that idea away and focus on your tasks.

First step was the more difficult one but you managed to get out the bed without being noticed. You wanted to make breakfast for him but also as he would wake up, wish him an happy birthday quite special with his present in your hands.

Maids bringed the bouquet of roses you requested and helped you cooking food. You had so much plans for his birthday... If you remember well, there was that Power Point waiting in your draft explaining how perfect he is and why he should be happy, healthy and live so much years more. But you didn't carry on that idea as that wasn't amazing enough and that in fact that would be just you acting as a fangirl of your boyfriend during an hour at least.

You watch at the time, knowing that your lover used to being awake around 6:30-7:00 also on weekends while during winter even the sun doesn't rise that early.

You walk into the room, taking your gift quickely and in silence, posing the plate of breakfast that you tried your best to please him with. Well, you look at him to see that he's sligthly waking up, a smile grows on your lips.

Once you see one of those red orbs open, you heart skips a beat, Akashi sit on his bed a genuine smile as he see you.

" Good morning, Y/n."

and you can't help but kiss him.

" Happy birthday Seijuro!"

As you crash your lips in a sweet and chaste manner yet still filled with an unquestionable passion, you give him roses and put on evidence the breakfast. The smell of roses mixed with delicious plates increasing Akashi joy even if he doesn't show it in an obvious way.

" You didn't have to do this, Y/n... But it makes me really happy, Thank you."

" Do not thank me yet..! I haven't given you everything and you deserve the best."

You lay on his hand the package, letting him being curious to what is it. After taking a glance at you, he decide to open your gift and see an antique but expensive -for someone of your class- watch with his and your initials, because the clock is foldable when you unclip it, you can see a picture of his mother that you've put.

Akashi seemed quite touched and took your hand in his, a soft and nostalgic expression on his face.

" I obvisouly can't offer you one of the newer and expensive jewerly but I was sure that this one would be at your liking."

Emotional value combined with an utilitarian purpose, not to mention the style.

" And it is, you did well Y/n. It's until now the most valuable item I have in my possesion... I will cherish your present."

" And I will cherish you... Doesn't it sounded like a weeding vows ? Haha... However I will cherish you for real and in all the way possible so even if I can't give you as much as you do in terms of material... My affection would value at least as much if it's not even a lot more."

You said that while coming closer to him, eyes full of desire and of need to proove your love. Akashi put all thoses object you bring in bed on the nearest table as a more lewd expression took place on his face.

" Convince me."

And you were already under him.

" Maybe this one would be my favorite birthday."

[dsudis]

what's the going rate on Extra Thoughts™ in the Linens-verse setting? if you have more floating around the top of your head I'll happily eat them all up, but I understand that you may have more current (and unrelated) thoughts/interests. either way, thank you for my Eskel/Geralt life

oh man, am I allowed to barter Extra Thoughts for things? Usually it’s more of an effort toward, like, not unleashing them constantly all over everyone. I have a migraine but also don’t want to go to bed yet so I’ve got my green safety glasses on and I can look at my computer, LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I START WRITING DOWN A FEW LITTLE THOUGHTS

- The story I actually have on my list of things to write Next, someday, when my ability to write more than a thousand words a week returns from the war, is a fairly direct follow-up to The Trial of Lambert: it’s what happens when the rest of the wintering witchers find out that Geralt may still be up for getting fucked. (For a minute I was like, oh no, this will lead to a loss of status and they will all respect him less, and then I realized that no, that is not what they think, they will all just be like PLAY TIME WITH LITTLE WOLF REDUX??? YES PLEASE??? KAER MORHEN’S REIGNING CHAMPION MOST ENTHUSIASTIC BOTTOM IS BACK IN ACTION???) So, uh, yeah, that one is summarized on the list as “KM winter gangbang feat. Jens/Slava” which means that Jens and Slava are just sort of hanging out on the edge of the gangbang, enjoying the show--it’s a very pleasant party, everyone is having a good time even if Geralt is having the very best time--and once in a while Jens reaches over as-if-absently to pet Slava’s hair or shoulder or neck and Slava holds very, very still and pretends not to notice.

- Jens and Slava, incidentally, are not at Kaer Morhen during the massacre, although the other witchers also never heard from them again afterward. They just sort of... went away somewhere. Somewhere quiet. They have an orchard. You can do a lot with fruit trees when your natural lifespan is three hundred years and your other main project is spending several decades working on being able to snuggle. They are patient men.

- Their neighbors are fully aware of what they are and will vigorously deny it to anyone who asks. Those are THEIR nice neighbor fellas who grow peaches and incidentally Handle Other Problems that may arise in the vicinity, and they handle them very well (and grow very nice peaches) so the villagers aren’t having ANYBODY interfere with them. 

- Where was I.

- Oh yeah, uh, fairly mild video game spoilers (which are also possibly Netflix spoilers?) incoming!! read at your own risk!

- RIGHT so hey guess who had the actual undisputed #1 saddest and sweetest Trial of the Linens ever in the history of the Wolf School. LEO. (haha what you’ve never heard of Leo?? He’s a very important character in the first Witcher game for about half an hour or however long it takes you to get to the part where he dies in front of you, it’s very sad.) But like--Geralt’s gone, either trying to keep Ciri safe or dead, and Vesemir, feeling the empty nest with Ciri gone, somehow acquires this teenager who wants to train to be a witcher despite the fact that they can’t really MAKE witchers anymore, so he brings him to Kaer Morhen and starts training him, and Lambert and Eskel come home as much as they can manage to help out, and, well. There’s one old-fashioned Trial they can give him, and maybe it’s more important than ever, to get to know and love their new little brother, and to teach him to be one of them. It’s the first time Lambert ever takes a trainee to bed. And then he dies! So that works out great. Lambert is in no way traumatized by that. More than he already was. 

- Intergenerational witcher trauma: sometimes it flows both ways!!

- Of course before Leo there was ANOTHER little baby kinda-sorta trainee, and that was CIRI. And one day they’re talking to her about the Trials and kinda telling her how awful they all were and then all of a sudden Geralt and Lambert and Eskel all, simultaneously, remember The Other Trial and their brains short out thinking of it in the context of Ciri. She is very confused but accepts their explanation, once they boot back up, that they just have some really bad memories and don’t want to talk about it anymore today.

- The thing is, the actually logical person to give Ciri a Trial of the Linens, if she were to have one, would be Triss. Lambert works this out and it’s solidly 80% of why he’s an asshole to Triss for literally decades afterward, like holding a grudge against someone for something they did in a dream you had one time and never even told them about.

- One of the mercies of his amnesia is that Geralt forgets having had this set of realizations, except then his memory comes back and he HAS THEM ALL OVER AGAIN, which is probably worse.

[lov3nerdstuff]

Being Human {Part 2}

*Loki x reader*

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Part: 2/4

Words: 5.6k

Genre: angst (and fluff)

Warnings: Loki being all torn about things, so none

Summary: ~Loving Loki was a one-way ticket to misery, a vortex of sadness and pain and solitude. It was like willingly drinking poison and accidentally becoming addicted to it.~

Loki has been ignoring you from the very beginning. You were only human, after all, a representative of a species he obviously despised. But when an accident in the lab puts your life in danger, Loki has to reconsider his strategy as he is forced to work together with you. And you suddenly start to see that his reasons for staying away might've been entirely different from what you had always assumed.

A.N.: This is the second part of a few! I decided to make this a mini series, so there will be at least one more part 😊💗 I hope you enjoy this glimpse into Loki's thoughts!

______________________________

It was roughly three in the morning when there was a loud, insistent knock on Loki's door. Its echo spread from the dark wood out into the pitch black room, cutting through the chilled air like one of his frozen blades. Loki rolled his eyes, not moving an inch from where he was lying on his back on the bed, unwilling to bother with whoever came to seek his counsel at this hour. But it wasn't even about the hour, really, as Loki didn't care about sleep, since it wouldn't come to him anyway. Nor did he care about the appropriateness of certain times and the i

nappropriateness of others.

He simply wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone who would come knocking. To his knowledge, there were only four people besides himself in the building at this very time, and only three of them might possibly knock on his door. So he remained silent, staring at images at the ceiling which were only visible for his own eyes.

Had it been the right decision to send Thor to your door earlier? Most likely… he'd taken you down to the lab to get your legs taken care of, and most likely cheered you up along the way. That's all Loki had wanted, easing your pain… both the physical and the mental. Seeing you hurt back in the hallway had pained him, having you smile at him despite everything had taken his breath away and forcing himself to not go after you had chipped off another piece of his wilting heart. Like a rose's petal, lost and vain the moment it fell. And since Loki refused to come close to you himself, forced himself to not come close to you, leading Thor to you might just have been his best option.

"I know you're in there, reindeer games, and I know that you are never asleep, so open that goddamn door before I tear it down." Stark's angry voice replaced the silence that had fallen upon the room after the knocking had faded.

Now, this was interesting. Stark shouldn't be here at this time, and he most definitely wouldn't come to seek Loki of all people if it wasn't his specific assistance that was required in the first place. A slow smirk spread on Loki's lips as he moved from the bed to the door soundlessly, opening it with a swift move and thereby allowing small rays of the hallway's dim light to fall upon his marble floor.

"Stark." Loki brought out, deeming it enough of a greeting. He felt weary of everyone, especially himself, worried and tired and unwilling to listen to the man of iron for longer than necessary. There were enough troubles on his mind already.

"C'mon, emergency in the lab." Stark gave back gravely, crossing his arms in front of his chest with a disdaining look. "They… we… She needs your help."

The combination of his words and his forcefully relaxed tone made the small hairs in Loki's neck stand up and a cold shiver run down his spine.

"What happened?" He asked quietly, in as much collectedness as possible.

"It's… a little complicated. Just come down there with me and see for yourself." Stark answered vaguely and Loki would've liked to strangle him right here in the hallway. But he only took one deep, calming breath and joined Stark in his haste back down towards the basement levels, feeling the most concerned he had been in ages.

Stark had to jog to keep up with Loki's long strides as they left the tension-filled silence of the elevator, going into the short hallway leading to the lab, but Loki really didn't care about him at all. Even before he entered the room, he could see Thor, Bruce, Steve and Pepper standing around a table and thus blocking his view.

As he stepped into the room without slowing down the least bit, everyone fell silent in an instant and all eyes were suddenly fixed on him. Loki however didn't even notice, for his entire focus lay on you indeed, as you lay motionlessly on one of the large metal tables. Bruce and Steve jumped out of his way as he approached the table, reaching out a hand to hover an inch about your face. Thank the gods, you lived… but something felt very off about the energy you radiated, and Loki's eyes shot up to scan every single person in the room as they all observed him reluctantly.

"Will anybody tell me what happened or must I force you to talk?" He snapped, feeling more on edge than he wanted to let on. Nobody knew about his deep affection for you, and he wished for it to stay that way.

"We were just talking…" Banner started and Loki's eyes were fixed on his so intently that the man jumped a little. Under different circumstances, Loki would've enjoyed the fear in their eyes.

"...we were here because Y/n… had a small accident with… her legs…" Thor rambled, frowning to himself as if in an attempt to remember how to use words. Loki inevitably rolled his eyes. "We were here for reasons, and then Y/n stood in front of the stones, and…"

"The infinity stones." Banner added in.

"No, the sorcerer's stone… OBVIOUSLY the infinity stones." Stark rolled his eyes at his friend and for once Loki felt himself agreeing with his reaction to something. But he really wasn't in the mood for bickering.

"Anyway, she stood with the stones, and then the container started floating above the table and we didn't know what to do and she told me to open it and…"

"You opened it?!" Tony asked incredulously. "You didn't tell us before!"

"Shut up Stark." Loki snapped, motioning for Thor to continue.

"Well, I opened the box and stood right in front of it even, but then the stones weren't stones anymore but those weird liquids, and they immediately went for Y/n and just… disappeared in her." Thor finished, a little out of breath from the non stop talking. "Like that one time with Jane and the aether. You might remember that, brother."

"Unfortunately." Loki sighed, eyes back on your small form in front of him. He needed to think, and he needed to check if you were okay. In peace. "Everyone needs to leave."

"What?!" Three people asked at once, but Loki didn't care to pick out who.

"I said LEAVE!" He ordered harshly. "You made me come down here to help her and I can't do that with you lot around."

"Alright! Alright… no need to get anyone else killed tonight." Tony replied before the others could protest more severely. "We're going. Pepper, Bruce, c'mon…"

"I need Banner here." Loki said as he moved around the table, focusing back on you. "He's less annoying than Stark and knows about the whole situation."

"Okay, Bruce is staying and everyone else leaves. Let's get some coffee, guys. There's nothing we can do for Y/n that we haven't tried yet. Loki's our best chance right now." Stark sighed. "I cannot believe I really said that."

"Why me?!" Banner hissed to Stark as he grabbed him by the sleeve to keep him from leaving.

"Reindeer Games wants you around. And I don't need any more trouble tonight, so for once we're leaving things up to him." Tony shrugged, then looked over at Loki once more with a deep frown and a sigh. "Can't believe I'm leaving him alone with poor Y/n." With that he followed everyone else down the hallway and disappeared from Loki's active thoughts.

"Why am I here?" Banner asked in what almost sounded like a whine. "Can't I…"

"Tell me everything that happened from the moment Thor brought Y/n down here." Loki ordered coldly, but with the sole intention of focus, not insult. And obviously Bruce understood the urgency in his voice as he went to tell everything from the very beginning, in all detail but with the necessary haste.

"Why did nobody care to inform me about this accident right when it happened?" Loki finally interrupted Bruce as he rambled on about how dumb it had been to open the container. All the while, Loki had started checking up on your energy levels with a soft green glow emitting from his fingertips. It really wasn't too difficult a task for now, and thus his mind had some spare capacity to find out as much as possible about the ongoings of the last hours.

"Uh… We didn't know what was going on, so we called Tony… and Steve…"

"And did not once the idea cross your mind to maybe get the only not unconscious person on this planet who knows about the ways of the stones?" Loki asked with an annoyed sigh, going for full on sarcasm. "Why do the only logical thing when there's a bunch of stupid things to do… it's not like her life is in danger..."

"Hey! At least we actually care about Y/n… not only about the stones." Bruce gave back as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, sitting down in his office chair as far away from you as the room allowed.

Loki felt hurt by his words, but of course he wouldn't ever show it. Of course he cared about you… way too much even! And seeing you lying in front of him on that surgical metal table, knees wrapped in bandages and skin colder than winter, he felt his heart break yet again. Gods… how badly he wanted to just pull you into his arms and hold you tightly until you woke up. But he would never allow himself anything of the sort.

A moment later he finished his inspection of your state of health, leaving him with a deep frown. There wasn't a single thing wrong with you, technically. He could sense the stones within you, but they didn't seem to overpower you. They were rather… supporting your being.

"And?" Bruce asked after a long while of silence. "What's going on with her? We did all sorts of screenings, but none worked. The scanners just went mad in every direction."

"Would you like the long and difficult version, or the for you understandable one?"

"Understandable, please."

"The stones chose Y/n as their host, for the time being. I'm sure she explained to you before that they possess something similar to an own will, a universal knowledge and a sense of right and wrong. Now, they seem to deem her the one worthy to host their reunion, so to speak. The stones belong together, each a part of the original whole. And now… they seem to have chosen her to help them to completion." Loki tried explaining it in a way that would also make sense to himself, because honestly… the stones were something even he had difficulties thinking of and understanding.

"But didn't you guys say that one stone can kill a mere mortal upon contact?" Banner frowned deeply, clicking his pen nervously which brought Loki close to throwing a dagger at him. "If one stone can kill a mortal, how does Y/n host six of them?!"

That was a question Loki didn't know how to answer. In his understanding, humans were too weak a race to mess with the great powers of the universe. They were limited in their knowledge, and even more limited in using said knowledge adequately. Weak creatures with dull minds.

Yet… he had never thought those things about you. You were 'only' human, but he had never thought of you as weak or stupid. The one thing he had thought was how much of a pity that was. How ironic of the universe to create a being so utterly perfect in every way and yet make it HUMAN. Fragile. Doomed to die in what was a blink in the life of a god.

"It might be because she didn't choose the stones, but they chose her indeed." Loki finally replied, once Banner's eyes on his back annoyed him all too much. "Now, could you please stop staring at me and just speak what's on your mind?"

"Is she going to die?" Bruce blurted out. "I know I'm supposed to know about that stuff, but we're all at a loss here…"

"If she was going to die, her energy would be altered with time. For now she's good, but I'll have to check again in due time."

"And why did they choose her? They had a literal god and whatever I am available to them, and yet they went for the weakest subject in the room… that's hardly reasonable." Bruce frowned, again clicking his pen absentmindedly. In an instant Loki was by his side, plucked the pen out of his hand and snapped it in two, all the while giving Bruce a death glare.

"You are mistaken in believing that." Loki said in a dangerous calm before moving back to you on the table, shielding you from Banner's gaze with his own frame. "She is way stronger than any of you. But not in a way that you would understand."

"Oh, but you do? You didn't even talk to her, not once!" Bruce replied immediately, laughing without humor, and Loki felt his words stinging uncomfortably. Yes, he hadn't talked to you, but not for the reasons everyone assumed. Still, he decided to keep quiet about it and let Banner have his way.

"I'm going to take a look at her mind now, that might take a while. I won't answer you if you try talking to me, so you may just as well leave now." He said instead in his oh so calm facade, stoic and cold as ever.

"I'm getting the others so we can make a plan on how to deal with things. Don't do anything stupid while alone here." Bruce mumbled as he made his way out of the room and towards the elevator.

Loki wouldn't dare looking into your mind without your consent, but pretending to was a good enough excuse get Bruce to leave, now that he wasn't of use anymore. What Loki did indeed was to check your current emotions, for they were the only thing preventing you from waking up (as far as he could tell). The very second he opened up to you, he felt an overwhelming amount of irritation and fear that made him gasp ever so slightly. But then there was also a deeply rooted pain, a sadness that he recognized immediately as being part of himself too. And you felt cold, horribly cold and uncomfortable on that table, which he honestly understood. After a second of inner debate on his part, Loki conjured up his green cape and gently placed it around you so that you wouldn't have the cold metal touching your skin, only the soft and warm fabric. If he couldn't help with the fear and the pain, he'd at least make sure you felt better with some warmth. He'd always looked out for you, subtly and from a distance. Whether it was preventing you from burning yourself on the teakettle, or making sure you were the only brightly awake and not hungover person after one of Stark's infamous parties. Or leading Thor to your door.

"I'm sorry, Y/n…" He finally said in a quiet voice. "I'm sorry this had to happen to you. And I'm sorry that it has to be me who's helping you." Yet a second before his hand would've touched yours, he pulled back. He couldn't let himself do this, not even when you wouldn't remember.

So he settled for looking at your emotions again, and found that the cold and the discomfort were vanishing. It brought a small smile to his lips. "Better, isn't it dear?" He mused, allowing his lips to curl upwards for once, in the knowledge that he was alone with only you, who would never know that the cold and stoic expression was only a facade. Yet, his smile dropped the second he noticed your emotions change upon the sound of his voice. It made the pain you felt swell a little, and yet reduced the fear by a whole lot.

"That is very peculiar indeed… You seem to hear me." He mused quietly, noticing the same results within you yet again. "But do you understand my words or merely react to the sound my voice?"

Of course he knew you couldn't answer that, but now that he had started speaking to you, after months of denying himself just that, it felt too good to stop. Besides… if he could make you let go of your fear at least, chances were good you would wake up sooner rather than later.

"So… let's find out about you, shall we?" He said with a small smile. "I'm going to say a very nice thing and a very mean thing and observe how you react to those."

You lay still as ever on the stupid table and Loki had to suppress his own discomfort at seeing you put on display like that. He was here to help you, not to court you after ages of doing the very opposite. Would he even be able to go back to pretending to be ignoring you after this?

"Alright, a nice thing…" He sighed, debating on how far he could, and should, go in this. There were so many things he would've loved to say, but that he wasn't ready for you to hear. "I think you are the strongest person in this compound. Not physically, obviously, but in every other regard. Otherwise you wouldn't smile through your pain only to give literal strangers comfort, where you yourself find none."

Again, your fear decreased upon his voice, so did your discomfort and irritation. Loki smiled.

"Now for the mean thing… I honestly hate that you are mortal. I would've liked to shout at you for being so stupid as to take a walk alone in the darkness and getting yourself hurt… I hate seeing you hurt! I hate that you're so fragile. Too fragile for me." He bit his bottom lip to keep from saying any more on the subject, angry with himself for getting so carried away. That's also why he never talked to you… because he wouldn't be able to hide his feelings once he got started.

"That wasn't necessarily mean…" He commented to himself, rolling his eyes. "Uh… I kick puppies as a hobby. Now, that's a lie, I know… What else could I say... I absolutely hated that dress you wore last week. It looked like a potato sack on your lovely body."

It really didn't matter what he said, the sole sound of his voice seemed to bring you comfort. That knowledge relieved him just as much as it pained him to realize that you hadn't heard a single one of the nice things he had said. And it surprised him a little that he wanted you to know.

He didn't get to think about it for much longer, as he heard the elevator doors pinging and a short moment later, the voices of multiple people approaching him.

"Any news, reindeer games?" Stark yelled from the entrance of the lab and Loki immediately felt his walls, his facade come back into place. Your emotions were out of reach for him once more, as were his own.

"She will be fine, her energy levels are alright and she's doing a little too well, even. Physically, that is." He replied stoically. "I don't know how she will cope mentally thought, once she is awake."

"Cope? With what?" Thor asked as he came to stand next to his brother. Loki rolled his eyes.

"Let me try to phrase this in a way everyone will understand: have you ever had so incredibly much coffee that you felt all jittery and unable to process that energy within you?" He tried with a sigh.

"All the time." Tony replied immediately, and most of the others nodded in agreement. Oh, so they were cooperative now? Loki really didn't get those minor shifts in the group dynamics, so he just continued with his condescending explanation.

"See, that is similar to what it feels like to hold one single infinity stone. Only that bearing a stone feels a hundred times more intense. Now imagine that feeling multiplied by six hundred. And that is what Y/n will feel sooner or later, when she wakes up." Loki finished his explanation, intertwining his fingers behind his back to refrain from touching you instinctively. "Besides that, she holds the power of the stones now. Whatever she dictates will become reality, wherever she wants to go she will be gone, whenever in time she wants to be…"

"She will be dangerous." Steve stated, crossing his arms in front of his chest with a stern expression, looking over at Tony. "What can we do get the stones out of her?"

"Loki? Can you do that?" Thor redirected the question.

"Nobody can. The infinity stones are the essence of power in their own right, what they do is universal." He explained with a frown of his own. "We might get Y/n to reject them. Which might either lead to the desired result, or they will kill her."

"At least that would reduce the risk of her destroying the universe." Tony shrugged.

"Are you serious considering killing off Y/n to get those stupid gems back?!" Pepper complained, smacking Tony in the shoulder.

"Obviously it would be preferable to keep everyone alive in this." Tony replied with a roll of his eyes. "But we can't have a super powerful being running around here with no one of us able to stop her."

"But… she'll be able to do the stuff Thanos did, right?" Thor questioned. "And that just IS really similar to what Loki does with his magic stuff."

"It's not." Loki rolled his eyes immediately. "It's entirely different, and…"

"Could you teach Y/n to control it until we find a way to get the stones out of her?" Stark asked immediately, lifting an eyebrow at the god in question.

Loki thought about if for a second. He most definitely was the only one in the team (besides that ridiculous human wizard) who has ever held a stone. Two, even. And he was the only person who could help you get through this, the only person who knew how to. But it would pain him greatly all along.

"I can try." He finally said. "I will try."

_______________

After a long speech about how Tony didn't trust Loki at all, and how he would lock him up in the basement if anything would happen to you, the group finally left to get some much needed sleep. Loki was the only one staying behind in the lab with you, earning himself a few not so funny remarks about how he only cared about the stones after all.

He didn't correct them, for if they believed it, maybe you would too. And that would make the whole thing easier for him.

It was around five in the afternoon when Loki noticed the tiniest movement in your fingers. His eyes shot up from his book immediately and he was on his feet by your side a second later. Again, your fingers moved ever so slightly. A short moment later, your whole hand moved, then your arm and your shoulders until finally your eyes fluttered open. You blinked a few times against the bright overhead lights of the lab, and Loki dimmed them out with a small pinch of his magic as his eyes were fixed on yours. He found himself unable to speak a single word.

"Loki?" You breathed, frowning a little and looking up at him with so much fear and irritation in your eyes that he felt his heart clench. "What… what's going on?"

"Hello Y/n." He finally managed to say, urging his irrational fear of speaking to you away. This was something he would need to force himself through, and it would be painful.

"You… you said my name." You stated in even more irritation and surprise. "Am I dead? Wait, are we in heaven or in hell?"

"No, you're luckily very much alive." He replied more easily, almost smiling down at you. To be honest, he just felt incredibly relieved that you had finally woken up. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't really know… normal, I guess?" You sighed, sitting up easily and looking around yourself. "Why are we in the lab? And why are we alone?"

"Do you remember anything that happened? At all?"

"Wait… I do remember the floating container with the stones!" You said with wide eyes, caught up on the memory in your own head. "What happened to them? And to me?"

Loki went on to explain it all to you from the beginning, completely honestly, for he knew just how brutal it felt to have someone else keeping secrets about oneself. Eventually you convinced him to let FRIDAY send a message to everyone on the living floors that they should come down.

"Thank you, by the way." You said to Loki as you sat on the edge of the table, having him stand right in front of you.

"You shouldn't thank me." He sighed. "Stark made me help you."

"Did he also make you notice that I was freezing?" You asked with a soft smile, wrapping the soft fabric of the green cape tighter around your small frame, which only made Loki's heart jump yet again. Still, he remained stoic on the outside, like he had promised himself to.

"He didn't." He replied quietly.

"And was it him who made you stay down here with me for… fourteen hours? To make sure I wasn't alone when I woke up?" You asked on and Loki didn't like it at all. His actions were one thing, but having you see right through them was another.

"No." He said coldly, lying to his best ability. "I merely had to make sure the stones wouldn't do any damage or harm to reality."

That really did seem to keep you at a distance, as your face fell upon the realization that you weren't just you anymore. It must be rather easy for you to believe that Loki would care about the stones far more than about you… He'd never given you a reason to doubt this newly gained perspective.

Lying to you hurt, but telling you the truth would hurt even more.

"Well… thank you anyway, for your efforts." You offered him a small smile that really would've fooled anyone, but Loki. He wondered why you were so good at hiding your emotions. Until today he had never seen an unintentional emotion from you, nothing that you didn't let others see willingly. And the knowledge that you felt just as much pain and despair as Loki did himself made him both wonder what was the cause of it and why you were hiding it behind happy smiles.

"Oh thank god, you're awake Y/n!" Tony was the first to enter the lab a moment later. The others followed shortly after, and they more or less pushed Loki to the side, out of the way as they gathered around you.

"What do you remember?" Bruce asked carefully, and Loki couldn't help but listen from his position off to the side, away from the group.

"I remember everything I possibly could, and I know everything I should." You replied calmly, looking over to Loki, which honestly surprised him. He was more used to being ignored too.

"Wait… he told you?! About everything?" Tony asked incredulously.

"I did." Loki commented calmly, rising his eyebrows at the man of iron. "I decided that it will help her get accustomed to the idea of holding such great power."

"Well, reindeer games, that decision wasn't yours to make!" Tony snapped. "Do you know how dangerous it is to have her know what YOU know?! Hell, not even I know what you know!"

"C'mon Tony, he did nothing but try to help me! Leave him alone." You complained, making Stark look back at you once more. Again, Loki's heart jumped way too high, higher than he would've liked at you defending him. Not that he needed it, but he appreciated the gesture. You'd always defended him in the past too, he noticed now. Why exactly were you being so nice to him? He hadn't given you a reason to.

"Did he put a spell on you or something?" Tony frowned at you deeply, snapping his fingers in front of your face a few times which made Loki roll his eyes. That reaction was just inevitable with Stark.

"He wouldn't do that…" Bruce said quietly. "Would he?"

"Oh, he definitely would." Thor laughed. "But not with the stones and all… it's hard to mess with them."

"Finally a smart thought, congratulations brother." Loki mocked him, causing everyone else to roll their eyes now.

"Well, how do you feel now?" Steve finally asked you.

"Normal. A little less tired than before, but I guess that happens after sleeping for seventeen hours." You chuckled, looking down to the floor. "Are you guys sure the stones are… what, inside me?"

"I can feel their energy mixing with yours." Loki stated calmly. "You should be able to use their power at will."

"Don't tell her that!" Tony shrieked.

"So that she finds out accidentally?" Loki snorted sarcastically. "Not when I'm on the same planet."

"Guys… what does that mean for me now?" You asked, finally letting a little bit of your insecurity shine through.

"We... don't know." Tony sighed. "Since you're into honesty, I tell you that we honestly have no idea. I don't even know how Loki got you to wake up at all."

Your eyes moved to Loki's, boring into them with an expression so intense in its subtle cry for help that he took an involuntary step closer to you. Darn, he shouldn't allow you to affect him like that.

"You're going to be alright." He said before he could stop himself, in a voice more gentle than he would've liked. "Controlling the stones is easier than it seems, and I will be of as much or as little assistance to you as you wish for me to be."

"We'll try to get them out of you, somehow." Tony interrupted before you could say a word for yourself, making Loki's jaw clench as he suppressed a snarl. "Don't worry, you won't have to be around reindeer games for all that long."

Loki opened his mouth to reply something equally insulting, but closed it again upon the realization that this might also be in his own interest. The lesser time he would have to be constantly around you, the smaller was the temptation to do something stupid. Hopefully.

"So… do I have to stay in the lab or am I allowed to walk around?" You rose an eyebrow at Tony, then at Loki. At least someone was recognizing his authority.

"I would prefer for you to stay in the lab." Tony said immediately, looking at Bruce who only nodded in agreement. "We can't have you go bonkers up there and possibly kill us all, you know…"

Loki rolled his eyes at them, even more so once he saw your face fall. As if you would seriously do any damage… after all, you could undo it all just the same. That's the thing when controlling all of reality, you can indeed control ALL of it.

"Y/n can go wherever she wishes." Loki said easily, eyes locking with yours. "She's not a lab rat, nor our enemy."

"You don't have a say in this, Loki…" Thor sighed before Tony could.

"Well, if anyone knows more about it than I do, please feel free to offer your expertise instead." Loki snapped back, and the room stayed silent for a while. "Thought so…"

"If she destroys stuff, if she gets herself or anyone else hurt, hell, if she causes as much as a headache for anyone outside of this lab, it's your responsibility, Loki. Your fucking job, get it?" Tony rose his hands in defeat. "Are you really willing to do that for Y/n? Being around her all day, every day, just so she can walk around wherever she wishes? You didn't even talk to her until today!"

"You don't have to do that, Loki... Tony is being unreasonable. It's fine, I've already stolen enough of your time." You said with a mean glare at Tony, before giving Loki yet another kind smile. Why did you have to keep doing that… it did things to his poor heart and mind that he could hardly suppress.

Loki's eyes finally met yours, and he saw things he knew he shouldn't see. He felt things he knew he shouldn't feel. "I'll do it."

"Fine! Have it your way…" Tony groaned, turning around to leave in utter exasperation and motioning for the others to follow, while both you and Loki himself looked beyond surprised at his sudden statement.

A minute later, it was only you and Loki alone on the entire base level, with too much silence and too little space between you. Your eyes met his yet again… there was no way he could ever go back to ignoring you.

And just like that, Loki knew that he would need a new plan to keep you safe. A new plan to keep himself from loving you.

______________________________

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[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG185!

- Given Jon and Martin’s recent conversations about categorisations:

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: This place is… an homage, shall we say. A monument. To him, and those like him, who tried to… categorise the world with themselves at the centre. In so doing, constructed the architecture of its suffering…! […] Avatar isn’t a thing, Martin, it’s not–! It’s just a word. A word used by… fools like Smirke to try and sort everything into neat little boxes, to reduce the messy spray of human fear into a checklist: Human, avatar, monster, victim. Only now, now, there’s a binary. There’s finally a clear dividing line and… [SIGH] Well. I’m sorry you’re not happy with which side you’ve ended up on.

(MAG184) MARTIN: … I thought you said Smirke’s Fourteen was a load of bull? ARCHIVIST: I said it was limited, and draws artificial borders, but it does have its use when it comes to conceptualising these things.

Yep, this episode really conveyed the concept! I had felt like the Monument was predominantly Spiral; but this one? No idea. Utter blob of terror, I didn’t have any moment of “Oooh! Could be mainly x?” at all. The statement at times made me think of The Buried, with the lack of space (“The cell was small and cramped, and Tina kept hitting her shin on the bench. […] And now, she is back in her cell. Or a cell that looks like hers. It is… smaller perhaps, the metal bench is cleaner, but… rusted through on the hinges, so when she lies on it, it squeals and threatens to collapse.”); I got a few Hunt-vibes when Tina recalled the moment before she was arrested (“All day she had been feeling on edge, smelling the faintest hint of something rotten on the wind. Had it been her imagination? No; others had sensed it too, she was sure of it. In the shops she had seen them, eyes darting nervously, fingers drumming incessantly on trolly handles, waiting for whatever was coming.”); there were a few Beholding moments with the feeling of being watched, being listened to, having her secrets exposed and used against her (“And all day, that intense, unshakeable feeling that she was being watched. […] And there had been a file, a thick manila envelope stained with grease and coffee, which held the pages of her life typed out in a small, no-nonsense font. She remembered that she had read those pages with increasing alarm. It had all been there, all of it. Her life, her loves, her choices, her mistakes. No details spared, no nasty inference ignored.”); the lights out reminded me of The Dark, through the Inspector’s own fears (“Please, I’m… It’s almost lights out. I can’t be here for lights out! Not again.”); the guardians had Stranger vibes (“The door opened, and there they stood, identical in their uniforms, their skin fishbelly white, and their eyes gleaming with malice.”); there was some Spiral-y feelings, punctually or through Tina being unable to make sense of her situation (“The man had laughed at that. It had been a dry and hacking sound that cracked the mirrored glass of the interview room, and made the juror’s ears bleed.”); and the cold, the separation from others, her inability to connect also made me think of The Lonely (“Had she ever been this cold before? Outside, of course, in the deepest winter, bundled up and pushing through to a heated home. But sat inside, with nowhere to go, nothing to change or wrap up in, just a thin grey jumpsuit, unable to do anything but sit there and shiver… [A BED CREAKS] that was a sort of cold that was alien to her. […] When she saw the world beyond her walls, her heart sank. The world seemed bright, and normal. […] The world didn’t miss her, didn’t know or care about what was happening beyond these walls.”) – for this last point, I could almost believe it was part of Martin’s domain… so it wasn’t a big surprise that we would jump straight to it right afterwards.

So, I was able to think of this and that Fear, but unable to classify the place as a whole. The fear of being subjected to what you want to believe others deserve (even though you’re aware on some level that they don’t)? As a whole, the statement was a denunciation of the complacency and willing ignorance amongst the privileged in the middle of an authoritative and repressive state – and it made quite an interesting POV because we rarely get a case of the statement-giver/victim coming across as inherently unsympathetic in the middle of their own distress. Last time I felt that way was with Tova McHugh (MAG155), and this time was for different reasons, mostly due to Tina’s inability to… change her mind and denounce was what truly atrocious:

(MAG185) ARCHIVIST: “It was obviously a mistake, some miscommunication somewhere, or a case of mistaken identity. These things were unfortunate, but sometimes they happened…! One of the people in charge would no doubt realise and sort it all out. […] Part of her wanted to lie there and weep, overcome with what was happening to her. But faster than that came the anger, the indignation – how dare they? She did not deserve this, she was better than this, this did not happen to people like her. [SCRAPING SOUNDS] She clawed her way back up to the window and looked out, trying to see the spiteful little brat. […] There has been a mistake. She should not be here, but she had met the person in charge, she had pleaded her case, told him of what had happened. … And he had laughed at her. […] Tina ignores it as she grabs the hatch and tries to keep it open, tries to tell the guard, to explain what’s happened, that something’s gone wrong, that she shouldn’t be here, this isn’t right! Why can’t anybody see this, this isn’t the place for people like her!”

Underneath, there was the implication that others would still “deserve” to be subjected to this, and the fact that her anger was misdirected as a result: Tina was upset that it was happening to her, not that… it was happening at all, to anyone, and that nobody should deserve this. There was still this unabashed confidence and trust in the regime and in order as a thing, while she was directly exposed to its atrocities, and her anger that the world didn’t conform to the scenario in her head where she should be protected by the very same thing oppressing others. This season, Jon’s kept pointing out Martin that things were complicated, that “No one gets what they deserve. Not in this place. They just get whatever hurts them the most!” and this episode was pushing that to its (unpleasant) limits: first, with Tina, where it still felt like a fair retribution, in a way, with the irony of her complacency not protecting her against authoritarianism and its violence; and secondly, with the Inspector from MAG120 being imprisoned here, which also felt like a fair retribution (if he had so casually punched Elias when he was handcuffed back then, what are the chances that he had also exerted violence on more vulnerable (and innocent) people in the same situation? And he confessed to tampering with evidence, and Jon pointed out that he would probably enjoy a seat of power in this domain, implying he would make it worse for others). And yet, still: Jon had pointed out that nobody deserved what this new world inflicts on them.

(I got biiiiig Kafka vibes with this statement (“‘None of these things are illegal,” she had said. […] ‘The laws have changed.’ […] . They never told her any charges, never gave her any verdict.”), I wonder if it was a deliberate reference to The Trial, with the deconfiguration of justice and executive systems, which turn into something arbitrary, unreadable, impossible to understand?)

- There were so many mentions of Tina’s memories not being exactly linear, of memories being… supplied, to fill in the gaps?

(MAG185) ARCHIVIST: “And then she was here. Tina didn’t remember the journey, not… properly. […] It didn’t matter, it wasn’t her memory. She was just here. […] She turned away quickly, and saw the window above her. … Had there been a window when she had first come here? When had that been? […] The child’s eyes met hers, the first moment of human connection that she had really felt since she’d arrived – but… hadn’t she only just got here…? – and Tina felt herself begin to smile. […] And then she was back in her cell. [FOOTSTEPS] She didn’t remember the interview, not properly. Or had it been a trial?”

And I wonder if it was to increment her anguish (not really understanding what was happening, shutting down hopes as soon as she was formulating them in her head), or maybe a symptom of getting closer to the Panopticon…? We might have gotten the first reference of someone remembering the beginning of the apocalypse (“‘I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with us,’ they had said, as the sky above them began to change.”) – though I’m not excluding that it was just a fabricated memory, too, making her skip from one place to another. Still, the fact that she was able to question a few of her memories makes me wonder if it might be due to Jon and Martin getting closer to London and the Panopticon, making people a bit more lucid about what happened and aware of the dream-logic not following physical laws…?

- Jon still doing his statements alone in his corner, and if not for the end of this episode, I would have been worried again over Martin disappearing during a statement… though we still have fifteen episodes left so that’s still a possibility ;;

(MAG185) [METAL DOOR CREAKS OPEN] MARTIN: [BRIEF EFFORT SOUND] All done? ARCHIVIST: … Yes. [FOOTSTEPS] MARTIN: I still think doing it in one of the actual cells was a bit much…! ARCHIVIST: It was the most soundproof place I could find. MARTIN: Pffft! Soundproof? Yeah, dream on. ARCHIVIST: You… heard? I… I–I’m sorry, I know it was, uh… MARTIN: I, I actually didn’t, but only because I was too busy hearing what was going on in all the other cells. ARCHIVIST: Ah. Well.

I’m a bit surprised that Martin is still refusing to listen to Jon’s statements: is it still because it’s plain upsetting? Is it because it makes him feel like a voyeur, like he has no right to know about them? Is it because he’s still refusing to listen to the Fears’ doing, refusing to face the way people are hurting, in a way? Will it change with his domain…?

I felt that Martin and Jon were a bit more awkward, at the start of their exchange? A bit more cautious than usual, as if they were dancing around issues and making sure that the other wouldn’t get the wrong idea. Was it due to Jordan’s transformation last time? Was it because of the whole domain (tense, oppressive)? It already felt like they were on the verge of something, that a change was coming…

- So, it sounds like they had met the person/monster of charge of the domain, the “Warden”, beforehand?

(MAG185) MARTIN: What if another one comes along? ARCHIVIST: It’s fine, we’re, uh… We’re “guests of the Warden”. MARTIN: Urgh… ARCHIVIST: Mm-hm. … Come on. [BAG JOSTLING] [FOOTSTEPS, AND THE METAL DOOR CREAKS SHUT] [SILENCE BUT FOR FOOTSTEPS] MARTIN: … Does it not bother you? ARCHIVIST: What? Being a “guest”? MARTIN: Yeah! I–it’s, it’s not like it resisted. Hell, it was chummy! ARCHIVIST: Would you rather it had attacked?

Same thing as with Dr. Doe, then, who was overall extremely friendly to them. Martin is finally understanding the extent of their status: that they’re mostly untouched, that they’re favoured by The Eye, that they do get a special status in these domains… and not solely due to Jon.

Gosh, Jon sounded so tired, in this episode too? Like he was recapping most of his story, close to an epilogue, trying to guess the process of what had happened in his own mind retroactively.

(MAG185) MARTIN: No, it’s just… Is that how these creatures see us now? As one of them? ARCHIVIST: Mm! [AMUSED] I forgot that’s a new experience for you. MARTIN: Excuse me? ARCHIVIST: You have to remember, I’ve had this for years. Right from the start, it’s always been “Archivist” this and “Archivist” that, all these… weird, awful creatures assuming I’m… “in” on all the secrets. Even when they were trying to kill me, they treated me like I was a… a peer. MARTIN: Yeah, but they were still trying to kill you! ARCHIVIST: Not all of them. And now? Sure, the power’s shifted, it’s all… politeness and respect, but it still feels just like… more of the same…! I guess I just stopped caring at some point. Besides, they are technically right, I am one of them. To a degree. MARTIN: I suppose.

And it’s true! Jane Prentiss had called him “Archivist” (in her texts from Martin’s phone, and directly in MAG039); Michael had done the same (through Sasha, and then in person starting MAG047). For the different monsters and avatars, Jon wasn’t really “Jon” but “the Archivist” as a function (even the Not!Them referred to him as such at the end; Nikola did too, Jude identified him as “an Archivist”). Jon had even wondered about his status in season 3 (MAG085: “Maybe whoever sent this wants me to consider how many of these creatures used to be people. How many seem to have taken the mantle from the ones that came before them, and how none of them have been able to overcome their new natures. How most of them don’t even seem to think like people anymore. Given that there is every possibility I’ve taken one of these mantles myself, this is not an interpretation I’m keen on.”). And at the same time: Jon is still making a separation here, between himself and these “weird, awful creatures”? Is it due to the Archivist’s status being still a bit of an oddity in the Fear landscape? Even Jonah had mentioned that the function was extremely old (MAG160: “You see, the role of Archivist has been part of The Beholding for as far back as my research can go. This isn’t uncommon for the Powers: most of the beliefs around them are guesswork and fallible human interpretation, but there are certain… throughlines and consistencies that can be spotted, regardless of the trappings.”), and in Jon’s case, he didn’t have a lot of manoeuvre in the powers he got – he began trapping people in his dreams and compelling before even noticing and understanding that those were things he could do, and we know that those were happening with Gertrude too. Jon’s powers didn’t shape themselves through his own relationship with the Fears; he got them with the position, and they seem to have been consistent amongst the Archivists at the Institute.

OBVIOUSLY, Jon broke my heart a bit when he mentioned he might have “stopped caring at some point” ;; By season 4, he was introducing himself as “the Archivist”, as if he had given up trying to fight it, and there was his long interrogation about whether or not he was still himself, still human… But: if Jon is accepting that he has changed, the real question is whether he still has choices with his new status? He might accept that he has changed; it doesn’t mean that he has to accept everything that comes with the new urges and the new status, and we’ve already seen that he was able to take decisions, to reject some aspects – just because the fear of this world feels “good” to him on some level doesn’t mean that he can’t challenge that perception, and him and Martin precisely went off on a quest to try to undo this world.

- Given how Jon redirected the question towards Martin’s own feelings:

(MAG185) ARCHIVIST: I think the real question is… how are you finding it? MARTIN: [SIGH] I–it’s not the same. I’m still just your… “plus one”. ARCHIVIST: [AMUSEDLY] Don’t put yourself down. It’s not your fault you’re a bit overshadowed; I am such a very big deal after all…! MARTIN: Oh, very big arse, more like it! ARCHIVIST: [CHUCKLES] Either way, even if I wasn’t here, I don’t think you’d be in any danger. Not anymore. I wasn’t sure when we first started out, I hadn’t properly, uh… looked into it, as it were. But now I’m certain. MARTIN: … I’m one of them. ARCHIVIST: One of… “us”. MARTIN: [SIGHING] That’s not as comforting as you think it is. ARCHIVIST: Doesn’t mean it’s not true though. [PRISON AND PRISONER SOUNDS ARE CLEARER HERE] MARTIN: [INHALE] And this is all because I’ve been given a domain? Because, apparently, I somehow have people’s fear feeding me? ARCHIVIST: Well… feeding The Eye through you, but yes.

* Was it a case of Jon already knowing that Martin’s own perception and feelings could influence their journey, that Martin had to understand and process a few things before being able to enter his domain (just like Basira)? That Martin’s journey was mostly emotional and logical, rather than physical, and that Martin understanding and accepting his own status as an “avatar”, as a “us”, would matter?

* ;w; over Martin mentioning that he still feels like Jon’s “plus one”… Jude had made a few digs about it, and Martin, left on his own, had also remembered that he was “following” Jon, not the reverse way round (MAG170: “I was following, al–always following, never leading; never leading.”). He had been casually threatened by a few avatars/monsters, while they were showing deference to Jon; of course that Martin would feel like he’s mostly unaccounted with compared to Jon, who can turn Watched into Watchers, and kill the latter… while it turns out that Martin is also a Watcher of his own, and thus technically has the same importance as all the monsters/avatars we’ve seen in season 5, and maybe more, since he’s from The Eye.

* LAUGHING HARD at Jon’s shitty sense of humour. It sounded more clipped and posh-smug than his usual? Was it the tiredness, was it the gravity of the surroundings, was it Jon feeling comfortable enough to put on a role? Smug posh cat.

* Can’t believe that the Jon’s Ass discourse was resolved this episode smh (Jon “big arse” canon, Jon is “scrawny” and has a big butt the episode said.) (I’m joking.) (But MARTIN PLEASE! <3)

* That indeed confirms what had happened since the Change at the end of MAG160: the reason Martin didn’t become a victim was not (or at least not just) because he was protected by Jon… but because he was a Watcher of his own. It’s interesting that Jon confirmed it just a few minutes before they would get separated – at least, we knew that Martin would be “safe” even when they weren’t together. … But at the same time, it’s interesting that no, they’re not 100% safe from the domains either: Martin got entrapped into the Lonely house (MAG170) and could have stayed there, while Jon got trapped in a cycle of statements in the Web theatre (MAG172), and might not have been able to snap out of it if Martin hadn’t come back to interrupt him. Are they really truly safe, when the domains can influence them in these ways?

* … This is also a reminder that Jon can’t know something he hasn’t thought about looking for, that he’s not all-knowing naturally. If Jon wasn’t sure about Martin’s status at the start as long as he hadn’t searched for it, what else does he not know? His main weakness is still that he has to look for things in order to know them, which requires… asking himself the right questions.

* Martin is right that it’s not “comforting”; it’s an unpleasant truth. And yet, it’s still true, still something he has to face and deal with: that he’s protected because he’s benefitting from this world and feeding on his own victims’ fears.

(* It’s still all linked to The Eye getting fed through them: is it getting a special flavour through its agents? Variety? I’m still pretty sure that Melanie wasn’t given a domain, since she cut her connection to The Eye: it wouldn’t be able to feed through her at this point.)

- I love how Jon has reached this point, with what he’s seen and witnessed, where he’s adamant that “no one gets what they deserve”?

(MAG178) ARCHIVIST: No one gets what they deserve. Not in this place. They just get whatever hurts them the most! … Even me.

(MAG185) MARTIN: Even though I didn’t ask for it? Did nothing to deserve it? ARCHIVIST: “Deserve”, huh! Now there’s a word that always causes trouble. MARTIN: [HUFF] Don’t be patronising. ARCHIVIST: I just mean that nobody here deserves the position they’ve found themselves in, not really. I suppose a few may have asked for it, sought it out even, but far more didn’t. They just made the wrong choices for the… right reasons, or even the right choices. But ones that still led them here in the end. MARTIN: … I hate it. ARCHIVIST: On balance, that’s… probably a good thing.

It was even more powerful in this episode given the underlying tone of ironic retribution going on with Tina and the Inspector (subjected to what they felt others deserve)? I also remembered Tim’s words about the Fears and the fact that there was no particular reason for people to get hurt by them (MAG117: “I used to blame my brother for going off on one and poking around where he wasn’t wanted; I used to blame myself for… not helping him, but now? Now it doesn’t matter. I’ve read through enough of these things to know that this doesn’t matter. The only thing you need to have your life destroyed by this stuff is just bad luck. Talk to the wrong person, take the wrong train, [SCOFF] open the wrong door – and that’s it!”) – the idea that this whole Fear-machine was there to make people suffer anyway, that there wasn’t really any point to fight it individually, that being a victim of it doesn’t mean it’s (at all!) earned or warranted. … I hope that, at this point, Jon is also aware that all of this also applies to him? Jonah had gloated that it was due to Jon’s own “rotten luck”, that he had only been a “chosen one” in the sense that Jonah had decided to pick him for his ritual.

- Love’s Martin spiteful “I hate it” ;w; Just because it’s true doesn’t mean that he has to like or defend it; there are different forms of acceptance and rejections to be had around these concepts, even though it doesn’t change anything concrete, and I still like that he’s voicing it so simply and earnestly ;w; (And I feel like Jon understood that, too? In the same way that feeding on people in season 4 had felt “good” or that he’s been prospering since the Change, while still aware that it’s a bad, awful thing at the core that he wants to change.)

- I was so surprised by the return of the Inspector!

(MAG185) [SUDDEN RATTLING AGAINST METAL BARS] INSPECTOR: Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, I know you! MARTIN: U–uh…? INSPECTOR: It’s, f–fr–fr–from the, uh, Magnus Institute! Hum… aaah… Mark! ARCHIVIST: You know him? MARTIN: Martin.

* … Did he get a promotion since MAG120? He was a “police officer” back then – did he get a promotion for Elias’s arrest?

* After the Basira-Daisy mini-arc, this was our reminder that… the issues with Section 31 weren’t inherently tied to them, that it was existing outside of them, that it was awful on its own even without them (as the system protecting Daisy and accepting (and enabling) her violence, and also as the system who was ready to serve its own interest: Elias managed to coerce Basira to sign up with the Institute by pointing out that there were plenty of other Sectioned officers that would gladly execute them all to ensure that their exactions and Daisy’s would remain hidden).

* Mark Kerosene Blackwood. (I’m living, there have been so many references to Martin’s name this season! The face that he doesn’t have a middle name, Martin barely remembering his own name in the Lonely house, Annabelle pointing out that he hadn’t given her his name on the phone…)

* About names:

(MAG185) INSPECTOR: Martin, right, yeah! Y–you remember? You tipped us off, and we came and nicked your boss, the, that Bouchard bloke! MARTIN: Oh! Oh right, the, hum… oh, In–inspector… uh, I, I’m so sorry, I’ve forgotten your name. INSPECTOR: So have I! It, I’m just… 547 in here. MARTIN: God, I’m so sorry.

Laughing so hard at this because. The dude had never given his name at all in MAG120, had only been credited as “police officer”.

- … It was indeed a part of Martin’s past:

(MAG185) ARCHIVIST: Martin? What do you think? MARTIN: What? ARCHIVIST: I decided about Jordan. This place is from your past. MARTIN: Yeah, but I mean only briefly! ARCHIVIST: Still.

It was a time Martin was still confident in that system (MAG082: “But you’re the police!” / MAG092: “Okay, wai–wai–wai–wait, that’s the police that you’re talking about! Okay, they… they wouldn’t… Would they?”), where Martin was ready to use it against Elias to get him arrested; it was Martin’s plan in season 3 – when in the end, the prison would strike a deal with Elias, technically serving his interests (preventing Jon from accessing him) and allowing him to escape when he would need, as shown in MAG158. And Martin had been the one to carry through Elias’s arrest, leading the officer in to Elias’s office by himself (Jon was in a coma, Basira was in shock, Martin had been reluctant to call in Melanie). That officer was only related to Martin.

- … Congrats to Martin for asking the right questions:

(MAG185) MARTIN: Why are you here? INSPECTOR: What? MARTIN: What are you so afraid of that you ended up in here? INSPECTOR: I didn’t do anything! MARTIN: Jon? [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: Why are you here? INSPECTOR: [RESISTING] I don’t… Argh! Stop! Stop! ARCHIVIST: I will stop when you answer the question. INSPECTOR: Argh! Look, you can’t know if they’re all guilty, all right? [STATIC DECREASES] MARTIN: [SIGH] INSPECTOR: It, it’s just about evidence! MARTIN: [FLATLY] Right. [STATIC FADES] INSPECTOR: Sometimes, you just have to, to… MARTIN: What, guess? INSPECTOR: I’m sorry, all right? MARTIN: No. You’re just afraid…! INSPECTOR: Please, I’m… It’s almost lights out. I can’t be here for lights out! Not again. Please, you owe me! ARCHIVIST: This place is born of their nightmares. And of yours. MARTIN: If you made him a Watcher… he’d become part of this place? ARCHIVIST: … He would. MARTIN: And if he was, would he enjoy it? INSPECTOR: What are you talking about? No! Of course not! ARCHIVIST: You know I can’t see the future. MARTIN: But? ARCHIVIST: But I can see his past. MARTIN: And based on that? ARCHIVIST: … He probably would, yes.

* “It’s just about evidence”: just as a twisted “justice” tends to be about forging a convincing reality through a few cherry-picked elements, rather than uncovering a truth (well. Or establish what is “true” legally, which is not the same thing as an objective truth).

* Which means that on some level, the Inspector knew that what he was doing was arbitrary and could be turned against him, and was still doing it anyway, and still aware that it was the reason this place would be his own nightmare. Yikes.

* I’m also guilty of having cheered when Elias got punched in MAG120, but: it was also true, back then, that if that police officer was violent with Elias (who was dangerous and handcuffed)… then, he probably was used to getting violent with way more vulnerable people. So, no, not really a Hero, even though we really wanted Elias to get punched. (Same thing with Basira in MAG148: it felt good on a narrative standpoint… and also felt absolutely horrifying that she would be allowed to get violent towards him in a visitor parlour, without anyone intervening to put a stop to it.)

* Jon’s compulsion was SO HARSH and pressuring, wow Jon.

* Anooother reminder that Jon “can’t see the future”.

* I really like Martin’s sentence about “You’re not [sorry], you’re just afraid”? It encompasses so well a few things we’ve witnessed in Magnus, that there is something deeply and tragically human in the fact that we want to be out of harm’s way, but that there is a problem at the root if our decisions are mostly forced by circumstances that don’t really feel like a choice? What the Inspector did was awful; he sounded absolutely nasty and despicable in the way he tried to plead his own case without regretting his actions; and at the same time, refusing him didn’t feel exactly “good” either — to leave behind someone who was pleading for help and clearly desperate, who was mostly motivated by fear and trying to grasp any lifeline to get out of there? What was messed up is that we didn’t have a situation in which he could change and evolve, that he wasn’t able to realise that he had committed awful things and wanted to “be better” like Daisy when she was in the Coffin…

* … I subscribe to Martin’s choice in this case, though: that it would have felt bad to allow him to enjoy a new status, despite what he had done, with the clear risk of him making things worse for the other prisoners (since he has already displayed and confirmed that he had previously abused his power over more vulnerable people). It was such a huge contrast to Jordan, who didn’t want to become a “torturer”, yet agreed that he didn’t want to become a victim again?

Who gets to be “saved” in this new world, then? People Jon and Martin personally know? Is it better to turn someone into a Watcher when it would make them suffer morally (Jordan), or is it better to turn someone into a Watcher when it would allow them to enjoy it (the Inspector)? It felt good on some petty level of irony to ultimately ignore the Inspector, but it also felt bad to ignore someone who was desperately pleading and reduced to frantic begging…

- Haaan, Jon’s apologies echoed what had happened with Jude’s building in MAG169!

(MAG185) MARTIN: [LONG EXHALE] That was horrible. ARCHIVIST: I’m sorry I put you in that position. MARTIN: N–no. You were right to, that’s… that’s a lot of power to have to deal with. Lot of responsibility. ARCHIVIST: Yes… [INHALE] Thank you, Uncle Ben. MARTIN: [CHUCKLE] Pop culture? Really? ARCHIVIST: I’m allowed to know what Spiderman is.

* And it feels like they both have evolved a bit on the matter of leaving the choice to the other: Jon acknowledging that it’s an unpleasant thing to do, and Martin acknowledging that Jon, so far… had to bear with it and was mostly the one choosing for them both, and that they’re both unequipped for it.

* Oh, Jon… I can’t even scream “Jon, you NERD” (but still a bit) – but aww at Jon’s way to try and defuse the tension…

* … This is how Web!Martin can still w-

- Aaaah, I love that we’ve reached this point of pointing out how inaction is still a choice:

(MAG185) MARTIN: [SIGH] … Not helping people is still a decision, isn’t it? ARCHIVIST: Well… You saw Jordan, I’m not sure “helping” is really… MARTIN: I know, I know, not the right word. Ignoring them, then. ARCHIVIST: Yes. It’s a choice I’ve been making a lot recently. MARTIN: … I guess we should get used to it. Knowing that all these awful things are happening for our benefit…! ARCHIVIST: Maybe it’s better if it never gets comfortable. MARTIN: Maybe.

* It was Jon’s struggle with Jordan already; the fact that having to “ignore” him… felt like too much, this time, since it was someone Jon knew and whom he felt indebted to. (And yet, as Jon had pointed out previously, there is no “better” in this new world: it was saving Jordan from one hell, to subject him to another… with Jordan still acknowledging that this new state of being felt more enviable than the previous one.)

* I wonder if in his “ignoring them”, Martin also included his own refusal to hear about the domains and the horrors of this world? Technically, shutting himself off from the victims hasn’t been any better this season – although, at first, it felt like Martin being finally able to establish his boundaries.

* If they’re now agreeing on the idea that “ignoring” the victims (not trying to do anything to change things for them) is still a “choice”, will that status quo change anytime soon…? Martin, in his own domain? Is the Panopticon coming very very soon, right after Martin’s?

* I like the constant about refusing that this awfulness, as real as it, is a positive thing. It’s what has made Jon so different from other avatars, the fact that he was refusing to embrace everything The Eye wanted him to like?

- Martin felt his domain first!

(MAG185) [VERY SHARP SQUEAL OF DISTORTION, SLOWLY INCREASING] [THEY WALK IN SILENCE FOR A WHILE] MARTIN: Hey, do you… do you feel that? [FOOTSTEPS STOP] ARCHIVIST: Martin? Martin, listen you need to get ready. [FADING] We’re about to enter– [HARSH CRACKLE OF STATIC] MARTIN: Yeah, “my domain”, yes, right, I get it. Dream logic, and timing, heh, apparently! [STATIC FADES] [FAINT EERIE WIND SOUNDS] … Jon? Jon? [BAG JOSTLING] Oh… Shit.

* The Lonely static squeals! It had been a while!

* Did Martin manage to access his domain right now because he accepted that he had himself changed, that he was one of “them” in this new world, that the world is awful but still real, that he’s still making choices in his journey despite his trying to pretend he was staying neutral? It feels like Martin had to confront himself a bit for these last two episodes, guided by Jon in the same way that Jon had previously guided Basira…

* Aaah, after the stressful sounds of the prison (distant voices, their echoes screeching a bit; the harsh creaking of the door, the overall oppressive atmosphere)… Martin’s domain already felt more soothing. Was it the sound of wind, or the sound of a gentle rain falling? (But I like how, sounds-wise, I already got the feeling that this place could be depressing, and also a small comfort, lulling people to sleep? Which is Martin’s experience with The Lonely as a whole: a temptation towards apathy, to stop hurting.)

* Gasp, two swears this episode!

(MAG185) INSPECTOR: Hey, hey, fuck you, you scrawny little tit! What the hell do you know? […] MARTIN: … Jon? Jon? [BAG JOSTLING] Oh… Shit.

Martin, still the Big Sayer Of “shit” in season 5 (there was his string of it in MAG179 when Jon got injured, and the SERIES of them in MAG163 when escaping the bullets).

I’m getting nostalgic because ;_; MAG039 had ended on Jon saying that word, when he had realised that the trapdoor had actually led them right back to Prentiss… and now Martin is closing an episode with that, when something expected but still surprising and unpleasant is happening…

- Tape recorder thing: the episode began with Jon’s recording, where he was isolated; it went on with Jon&Martin walking in the corridors together… and then it still recorded Martin, once he entered his domain and got separated from Jon. It was the same tape recorder; it was Jon’s. But it “stuck with” Martin when they got separated.

Small recap of the various mentions of tape recorders since they had reached the safehouse, without knowing for sure if some were the same:

(MAG160) MARTIN: Everything all right? ARCHIVIST: Just… making sure it works…! [SHUFFLING SOUNDS] MARTIN: I still don’t think we should have brought it. ARCHIVIST: Oh, it’s better than no warning at all.

(MAG161) MARTIN: Hey – when, when did you start recording? [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] ARCHIVIST: I… didn’t. MARTIN: [TENSE EXHALE] ARCHIVIST: I only brought one, and I’ve been using it to play the tapes. MARTIN: Oh. [INHALE] That’s not a great sign. ARCHIVIST: No…  No it’s not.

(MAG163) MARTIN: … Oh. Oh, hey! [SHUFFLING] [CLOSER] Jon, did you– … No. No, he was carrying his. [INHALE] All right…! [STEPS THROUGH LIQUID] What’re you doing here? [PLASTIC RATTLING] It’s dangerous. Could… get yourself blown up, like all these poor… […] You still haven’t told me what you’re doing here.

(MAG166) MARTIN: [SIGH] [SILENCE] [BAG JOSTLING] … Kind of wish the apocalypse had some magazines. … A–ac–actually, no, second thoughts, probably not. Mmh! Def, definitely not.

(MAG170) MARTIN: [VOICE ECHOING SLIGHTLY] … Oh! Hello. [CHUCKLE] What are you? Do I… do I know you? Eh…! I can’t… [SHUFFLING] [CREAKING] I can’t tell through the fog, sometimes. You feel… n–not “friendly”. “Familiar”? [CREAKING] The shape of you in my hand… I talk to you, don’t I? We talk. What do we… what do we say? … I can’t quite…

(MAG181) SALESA: Hmmm. [SHUFFLING] Interesting… […] Now tell me, do you know why there’s a tape recorder here? I noticed it just now, but I don’t believe I actually own one. ARCHIVIST: … Uh… Not really. MARTIN: They sort of just … follow us round? SALESA: Hmmmm. Interesting. Did you carry it in? Things shouldn’t be able to manifest in here like that. ARCHIVIST: … You had one in your… bag, I–I think, Martin, did, did you drop it here? MARTIN: Uh… I, I don’t think so…!

=> Jon had initially brought one in Scotland. Another one appeared at the beginning of season 5, recording him listening to the tapes playing on his first tape recorder (so we’re sure that it indeed required two different recorders: the one playing the tapes, the one recording Jon listening to them). Martin spotted a wandering tape recorder at the end of MAG163, and was recorded when he was waiting for Jon at the end of MAG166 – it’s unclear whether it was the same one, or if Martin had picked up the one from MAG163 and kept it. In MAG170, Martin was recorded all alone (and, same thing, we don’t know whether it was one of the previous recorders, if Martin had kept it, etc., or a new one). By MAG181, Jon was aware that Martin had a tape recorder in his bag; but it’s unclear whether it was the same one as the one which popped up to listen to Salesa (what is strange is that Jon was implying that it couldn’t be his).

Tape recorders have been spawning for sure, so it’s not a complete restriction, but it’s interesting that by the end of MAG185… both tape recorders were presumably on Martin’s side. His own (in his bag), and Jon’s, who followed him into the domain (… but without Jon himself). Jon is currently recorder-less, although of course another one could pop up to record him (because it’s what they do!)… but I really wonder if we’ll be able to hear Jon at all as long as they’re not reunited, as long as Martin doesn’t find him back…?

- And so, we’re SPLITTING THE PARTY! Excellent, I’m sure nothing bad could ever happen from this.

Interestingly, it was the first time we directly heard someone transition from one domain to another: previously, it had felt like there was just that wasteland between them, while we went from the prison to another location immediately this time around, the only transition being the static and the squeals of distortion. To me, it felt like Martin’s domain is functioning on dream-logic even more than the others, that it has no… truly concrete location? That it was just accessible and there at this moment because Martin went through a few realisations and agreed to change his framework? We might hear about that next episode. I wonder if it’s more or less the same case for Helen’s domain, since Jon had mentioned that she would be on their way…?

- I’m not sure exactly what happened at the end of the episode! Given Jon’s warning, and how the soundscape changed, Martin definitely has entered his domain, but outside of that…

* What about Jon, since they got separated? Did Jon enter it another way? Is he a victim or vulnerable to Martin’s domain? Was he kept outside of it?

* How long will they be separated – will they find each other by the end of MAG186, will they go their separate ways for a few episodes?

* How will they manage to find each other again? There’s been a small progression in Martin getting stuck in Lonely space: Jon saved him and got him out of it (MAG159), then Martin became strong and firm enough about his identity for Jon to be able to find him (MAG170). This time around, will Martin have to find Jon, or find his way back to Jon by himself, without Jon being able to do anything?

* Alternatively, will there be any complication, anything Martin needs to do to be allowed to leave his domain? Will the domain tempt him to stay (because it’s made for him, and because he’s fed inside of it)? Jon had to learn to separate his urges, what felt good, from the morals and behaviour he actively chose to prioritise (it felt good to feed on other people’s trauma and to retraumatise them… but it was still atrocious, and something he decided wasn’t acceptable); comparatively, Martin might not be well-equipped if he’s hit with those feelings right away, without the years of slow avatarisation/path of dealing with the Fears…

* Still related: will Martin be able to leave on his own? On the one hand, we know that Helen can find him anywhere, and Martin was told he would be safe to travel through her corridors (MAG164: “The Distortion can always find anyone who has… crossed its threshold.” “And that includes you, Martin! […] I would happily take him. But I don’t think he’d want to leave you.”); on the other hand, Annabelle had explicitly told Martin that they would meet again very soon (MAG181: “Don’t worry, Martin. We’ll meet again. Hopefully when you’re feeling a little bit more… open-minded…!”), and now that Martin has learned about his own complicity, about the fact that he counts amongst the Watchers, that the concept of “deserving” isn’t really relevant when the Fears were involved… isn’t he precisely more “open-minded”, in better disposition to hear whatever she might have to say…?

* Jon had warned Martin that he wouldn’t be able to see his victims:

(MAG183) MARTIN: Are there people, Jon? ARCHIVIST: What? MARTIN: Are there people in my domain? ARCHIVIST: Not many. […] It’s a small domain. A swirling mix of The Eye and The Lonely. Inhabited by a few lost souls whose fear is not of their isolation or their agonies, but that no-one… will ever know of them. That they shall suffer in silence, and be mourned by nobody. That’s why you can’t really see it. It’s why even if we do travel through it, you won’t be able to see… any of the people trapped there.

Is that still the case? Has Martin’s perspective changed enough for him to be able to see them, now, or will he spend most of the episode unable to see or to know them, all by himself for a while…? Will Martin be able to challenge The Eye in order to give a statement about the victims, like Jon has been doing this season? Will Jon give the victims’ statements?

* … Is anyone we know in Martin’s domain? His father? Naomi Herne (MAG013: “There was no presence to [the fog], though, it wasn’t as though another person was there, it was… It made me feel utterly forsaken.”)? Jess Tyrell (given how Martin received her story, but couldn’t help her, and focused on what it meant about Jon rather than how his victims would fare)? In season 4, Martin looked like the primary victim of his own fall into The Lonely; he was able to disappear in front of Georgie (MAG149), but after months of forcing himself to stay isolated. Since he’s been discovering that he wasn’t as neutral as he would have liked, that he was himself benefitting from this apocalypse as a rewarded servant of Beholding, I would find it interesting if at least someone in his domain were to be someone he had directly or indirectly wronged in the past…

* Jon reminded the Inspector that the place was born from his and the inmates’ fears. What about Martin’s domain: was it shaped through others? Is it a reflection of Martin’s own trauma, as someone who was trying to stay hidden, both due to his sick mother and due to his many professional lies?

* I’m really wondering if the victims will sense Martin in the domain, in a way. To them, will he look like a monster, a creature they have to hide from…?

MAG186’s title is [EXTENDED SOBBING SOUNDS]. It reminds me of things Martin had said in MAG156 and MAG159, so obligatory SOB. It’s… a very Martin title and we’re indeed in his domain, uh…

(But is it actually about the people in his domain? About what is appealing to Martin? About Martin’s own wishes?)

[that-damn-girl]

His

(Oneshot)

Pairing: Stucky (Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers) (MCU)

First part of  my collection of oneshots/drabbles for Stucky in the same universe in chronological order - His. Could be read as a STAND ALONE since ‘His’ is NOT a series.

Type: Fluff, mutual pinning, best friends to lovers trope.

Words: 3800+

Summary: Steve couldn’t grab his hand once and lost Bucky for 70 years. Now that he had an opportunity, he wasn’t about to let go.

Warning: Ignore anybody’s death in ‘Avengers: Endgame’.

A/N: This is my first story ever! It is also a submission. I am really thankful of @the-omni-princess for giving me the chance to take part in her 1K writing challenge.

The world was greatly different than from what it was a decade ago. Progression through seven decades was a whole another story. One that the two hundred year old super soldiers were greatly overwhelmed with.

Bucky had accidentally clicked a few extra buttons when he was trying to navigate through Netflix on Tony’s why-the-hell-is-a-TV-curved-and-ridiculously-large-and expensive  television screen. Instead of various Disney movies that were displayed earlier, he saw a live feed of Gerald, Tony’s alpaca, grazing in the backyard.

He didn’t know until then that one could use the TV as a monitor to view feeds from different surveillance cameras. A few decades later they’d make it a fucking portal to go through, he thought. In all honesty, although confused, Bucky was throughly amused with all the new advancements he had witnessed so far.

He tried clicking a few more buttons to revert back to Netflix, but all that he saw was different parts of the house through the cameras. He kept it up until the feed from the kitchen pulled up, revealing Steve and Morgan making homemade cheeseburgers. Because ofcourse, this was Tony Stark’s house, with never-ending supply for making cheeseburgers, and they were dealing with Tony Stark’s child, a never-ending blackhole for cheeseburgers.

From after the “Blip”, who the fuck calls the most strangest event in the history that, old relationships were being mended while new ones were formed. Things between Tony and Steve were still rocky until everyone was brought back; until their final mission. They weren’t perfect by any means, but surely they were starting to get better with time, effort and understanding from both the sides.

In order to reduce the emotional distance between his former family members and his new ones, Tony wanted them to spend some quality time together. He wanted Morgan to have good people to look up to, good people to learn from, good people to guide her. Moreover, he wanted her have a good big family and to feel the love and adoration he always wanted as a child. And, as per Tony, what was better than babysitting for this?

Pepper and Tony would enjoy date nights once or twice a month, while one or few of the team members would babysit Morgan at their cabin. This time, Steve volunteered. Bucky, who wanted nothing more than to make up for the lost time with Steve, volunteered to tag along.

At the cabin, as Tony and Pepper prepared to leave for the night, Morgan was a little anxious. She knew Steve, but she hardly knew this metal armed stranger who accompanied him. She had seen various documentaries on all the avengers and she knew of Bucky as Caption America’s childhood best friend who fell off a train but was saved by some fellow human beings. Tony had shielded her from the dark parts in everyone’s stories for now. Although she didn’t know Bucky personally, she trusted him because Steve trusted him.

Bucky watched their dinner being prepared by Morgan and Steve…his Steve…

How he wished he could say that.

The domesticity of the look fluffed up his heart; it mesmerised him. Steve mesmerised him.

Back in the day, every young gentleman had more or less the same goals. A beautiful girl to wake up cuddled with, a decent enough job to support their family, unforgettable fun times with  their girls in their arms, a lively brownstone with their kids laughing and running in the backyard, and never-ending happiness in their lives. Like all others, Bucky wanted it all too. Except, he wanted it all with Steve.

At the moment, however,  he wanted to go back to Netflix. Cursing for not thinking of it earlier, he asked Friday to do so just at the moment Steve and Morgan joined him.

“What, I made dinner for three and you couldn’t even choose a movie to watch?” Steve said with humor in his eyes as he set the food tray on the center table and sat on the couch. 

“Just wanted the little princess here to have her choice. Again.” Bucky flashed a toothy grin to Morgan. She giggled at that.

“A princess, yes,” she said flashing her own toothy grin with one incisor missing, “but hey, not little! I am almost six years old. Mom and dad say I am a growing girl. A growing girl, not a little girl.” She tried to make a face as serious as an ‘almost six’ year old could with her hands at her hips. Both old men laughed at that.

“I apologise for the incorrect words used, my lady. How about I rephrase it? What would our brave and beautiful growing princess like to watch tonight?“  Bucky sat on the other end of the couch.

“Frozen, please!” She squealed with excitement as she sat between them. And so, ‘Frozen’ it was.

The movie progressed and the cheeseburgers had met their fate. All three of its occupants were slumped down on the couch, enjoying the movie and munching on fries. Bucky straightened his posture a bit and extended his arm to rest behind him, bent at the elbows, on the head rest of the couch as his body curved a bit towards Morgan. Having not seen the movie before, he was so engrossed in it that he failed to notice that another arm had already claimed the spot. The back of his fingers touched those of Steve’s, palm facing each other, a little proturded behind the couch. 

Normally, he would would have retreated his hand like all the other times he had. This time though, he wanted to know what would happen if he didn’t. The need to explore the boundaries rose within him. The want to  rebell, to ignore the illogical age old stigmas, and act on what he wants, what he thought was right. He didn’t know if he was defying society’s unnecessary made up rules. He had wanted a chance to be with the love of his life since forever. He planned on taking the chance. The realisation made him nervous.

All of a sudden he became too aware of his surroundings. The movie was forgotten. His heart beat loudly in his chest. He panicked, didn’t know what to do further. Would it be fruitful, he thought. He was very unsure of his newest decision to have what he had wanted all his life. He wanted to shift his arm, but at the same time, he did not.

Acts like these were considered scandalous in his time when men did it with other men. He was conditioned from his childhood days to not seek comfort in a man's touch. However, the twenty first century was different from the twentieth. The beliefs and practices in this age were different than those in his.

Peter, the rookie, along with Shuri, the genius, tried to keep him updated with the changes that had happened in the world while the time his freedom had not been his. He was slowly coming around to using gadgets on his own.

As time passed, HYDRA advanced it’s technologies. The Winter Soldier was not taught about using them though. He was the deadliest soldier in the history of mankind, and their greatest asset. The possibility of him going rogue anyhow was too risky for any of his handlers to entertain.

His teenage friends had introduced him to internet and many spects of it. The nerd in him was overjoyed. He learnt about vines and memes. Caught up with the new movies and all time classics he had missed. Got to know about PRIDE.

He loved how people were expressive in this new era. Although not totally eradicated, social biasey regarding gender, racial and religious discrimination plagued a much smaller population than in his time. People were more logical and radical with their thoughts in this regard atleast.  One could be with whoever they wanted, live a life however they wanted. People were supportive and respective of other’s preferences and choices. Bucky loved it all. But he didn’t know how to talk about it with the man he loved with all his heart.

Although he suspected it, he didn’t know for sure if Steve felt the same way about him. Sure there were lingering touches here and there and hugs that lasted a bit too long for best friends, but it was hard to decipher the intentions behind them. He knew he had to talk to Steve about it at some point or the other. Then why not take a step towards it then? That’s why he decided he would take charge then.

Slowly and meekly, Bucky took a deep breath lightly and nestled his little finger in the crook of Steve’s little finger. He remained as still as possible as he sensed Steve stiffen. He cursed at himself loudly in his head. Surely Steve didn’t want him like that. Bucky was just Steve’s childhood bestfriend, who had been with him through thick and thin, literally. He was a reminder to Steve of what his earlier life was, not the desire to look forward to a future with better improvements.

His thoughts paused when he felt a movement against his ring finger. He realised Steve had nestled his own third finger against his. His heart rate picked up again. He felt little spurts of confidence break inside of him which led him to join their middle fingers. His heart did a happy lil jump when when Steve moved forward his own index finger, soon their fingers were interlaced.

Warmth seeped through Bucky’s arm. He felt full in his heart, in a way he couldn’t describe. Just holding hands like this, the simplest of gestures of affection, was a big deal for these two men when doing it with each other. The only times they’ve held hands is to when one needed to drag the other or needed help being pulled up during mission. Bucky finally felt how it was like not holding hands for necessity but just because his heart desired it.

He felt a sliver of hope. His mind though, felt full and empty at the same time. Maybe his suspicions were correct, maybe not. He couldn’t think straight with the weight of the Steve’s hand encompassing, encircling, enveloping his. He preferred not to think too much and just enjoy it while he could.

Little did he know that Steve considered him as his childhood bestfriend, his buddy, the driving force to want to be better both before and after the war, and so, so much more. Steve couldn’t grab his hand once and lost him for 70 years. He wasn’t letting go now.

~

They were in the same position throughout the movie. Too afraid of any change changing the other’s mind.

As the movie ended, Morgan was hungry again. She wanted to have a chocolate milkshake before she could go to bed. Both men were hesistant about it, but couldn’t say no to her puppy dog eyes. Again.

As the men prepared it in the kitchen, she busied herself with finding a stuff toy she forgot where she last kept it. 

After the movie, both men weren’t happy with not having any physical touch anymore. Since they had had a taste of it, they longed for more. But both were too unsure of themselves to initiate.

Bucky once again saw Steve tinkering with the ingredients in the kitchen as his hip leaned against the counter. The domesticity of the look fluffed up his heart once again. He wanted to hold his hand once again, forever and never let go.

Steve lined the inside of Morgan’s cup with chocolate sause just the way he had seen Wanda do it once. A bit of it dripped on the back of his palm just below his thumb on the hand he was holding the cup with. So focused on the task at hand, he didn’t notice it.

He had an ithy feeling at the junction between his moustache and slight beard. Placing the cup at the counter he went to scratch the itch with the same hand smeared and the chocolate sause at the corner of his mouth rather messily. He noticed it now. Bucky did too.

While Steve looked around for paper napkins, Bucky leaned off the counter, turned fully toward Steve and wiped the mess with his metal thumb in two slow strokes as his metal palm lay against his cheek.

Steve stiffened again. Bucky cursed at himself again.

He shouldn’t have done that. Holding hands was one thing. Cupping cheeks was another. Not removing your hand when the requirement for the said action was fulfilled, was a whole another level.

Again Bucky wanted to remove his hand, because he feared he was stepping over Steve’s boundaries, but he didn’t want to at the same time, because his heart just wanted to do so.

His eyes moved from Steve’s lips to his eyes, oceanic blue just like him. Someone said the truth about being able to look into one’s soul through their eyes. Because right at that moment, he saw himself in Steve.

Both were simple men before the war. Both wanted someone to love, to be with them through their highs and their lows, to be with them and support them at all times, to trust and confide in them, to share the silliest and most important things with them, to remember them and be remembered by them. Both wanted this 'someone’ to be each other. Both longed for each other.

As they affectionately looked at one another, Bucky glided his thumb over Steve’s lips once, then twice. Despite it being his cold metal-arm, all Steve felt was sweet warmth.

Bucky’s eyes moved back to his lips. He leaned forward after gulping. Steve followed right after him.

Earlier, the societal norms were against them, then time. Right then, both were in their favour. However, they forgot an almost six year old factor.

Right before their lips could touch, just a centimetre apart,  Morgan came back in the kitchen yelling, “I found it. Finally!”

Shocked to the core at sudden intrusion, both men jumped apart is they had touched lava. A slight tinge of pink could be seen on both their faces. Suddenly feeling slightly embarrassed and not wanting to make eye contact, both looked at Morgan.

She held a cute red and gold teddy shaped Ironman. Steve let out a sigh and a small laugh simultaneously, dipping his head low. Bucky smiled.

Steve went back to making her milkshake and handed her the finished product. The hungry child drank it one go. They then took her upstairs, made her take a bath and brush her teeth.

When they tucked her under the cover and proceeded to leave, she quietly asked them to tell her a bedtime story.

“Sure princess,” Steve sat on one side of her bed, leaning against the head rest, legs half down and one hand behind her pillow.

Bucky just stood there, unsure what to do. Morgan looked at him expectantly. Steve nodded at him and he went to sit on the other side of her bed, copying Steve.

“What kind of a story do you want to listen?” Steve asked combing through her hair.

“A love story!” She looked excited.

Steve wasn’t great with stories for kids. He looked at Bucky, intially for help, but then he looked into his eyes and immediately smiling down at Morgan said, “Once upon a time, there were these two people, two friends, Stephanie and James. Best friends actually.”

He looked up at his best friend. It took Bucky a moment before he caught onto Steve’s play. He could only stare at his friend, with eyes a little wide and surprise on his face. He understood why there was a female character alongside James and not a male. He was anxious to hear what Steve had to say next.

Steve continued, “They had been so for as long as one could remember. Always playing together, running together, being together, no matter what. They cared for each other, always had each other’s backs.

“They protected each other, even from the meanest bullies. They took hits for each other if it meant the other stayed out of harm’s way.

“If someone needed to find one of them, they could as well search for the other since they always stayed by each other’s side.

“Where one went, the other followed. A friendship like theirs was so rare. Luckiest were the people who had even a fraction of what they had.”

Steve took Bucky’s hand behind Morgan’s pillow in his and interwove their fingers. He looked at him with a fuzzy feeling inside his chest as he said, “Their love for each other unparalleled by any other.” He squeezed his fingers.

Bucky’s heart swelled. He squeezed right back. Something burst inside of him. He didn’t know what, but it made him feel giddy like never before.

“Stephanie idealiesed James for his bravery, his confidence-”

“And James idealised Stephanie for her goodness, innate goodness.” Bucky intervened with a smile brighter than the stars.

Lost is the beauty of Bucky, both inside and out, Steve took a while  before he continued, “There was a group of bad people who wanted brave men like James for their own cruel intentions. They kidnapped him and Stephanie couldn’t stop them.

Like any other close friend, she missed him dearly. She was angry at herself. She hated the day James was taken from her. She hated her inability to save him. She regretted not trying harder.”

Steve was looking at his lap. Bucky tightly squeezed his hand and said, “She didn’t know that there was nothing that she could have done to save him. It wasn’t her fault by any means.

“There was Fate which played it’s tricks. Nobody is stronger than the turn of events undertaken by it. Nobody could be above Destiny, no matter how much they wished. Their pair was just an unlucky lot, unfortunate enough to be under Fate’s wrath.”

Steve stared at Bucky, not believing what he said. To an extent, he knew he couldn’t have saved Bucky from falling off the train all those years ago, but the guilt of not just trying harder ate him alive everyday. He replayed every decision he made that morning, every action he did. The 'what if’s never ended…

Nevertheless, Steve said with eyes on Morgan, “After a very, very long time, Stephanie found a way to rescue James from those bad people. She didn’t believe there was finally a chance she could be with her long lost companion again. She was determined to take that chance and make it happen anyhow.

“She did succeed in rescuing him. She had never been as happy as that day before. He returned to her a little broken and damaged, but she didn’t mind it since he was stronger in his own right more than ever. When she had said she would be with him forever, she meant during both his highs and lows.

“Even time was not able to break their preciy bond. Her affection for him had never faltered. Instead, it had increased tenfold.

“The sudden detachment, the longing, the way she felt after their reunion, it all made her realise…” He stopped speaking and looked at Bucky again, lower lip shivering.

He took a deep intake of breath and said, “She realised  she had loved him all along. She loved him in every sense of the word, in every possible direction, in any possible way. Together, they fought their way through the bad men, making sure they’d never take him away from her again.”

“Did he love her back?” Morgan asked him. Steve looked down at her before raising his questioning eyes at Bucky, who just beamed down at Morgan and said, “Of course, princess. That’s why it is a love story.”

Smiling then, she asked again, “Did they live their lives happily after?” Now it was Bucky’s turn to look at Steve, who replied, “It took a little while, yes, but their happily after was the most beautiful one out there.”

Content with the story, she thanked them. “It was beautiful.” She had said. Indeed it was.

Exchanging their good-nights, they made their way downstairs. As Morgan slept peacefully, they were left alone with their racing hearts.

The big question arose then. What would they do now? They didn’t need to hide or be evasive from anyone. They were away from prying eyes and judgmental minds.

Neither Bucky nor Steve knew how to proceed, still overwhelmed.

Daring to initiate, Steve softly called out to the other man in the house as they stood near the stairs on the ground floor. Bucky turned around towards him. They stared intently at each other without saying anything. Nervousness clogged their nervous systems.

Bucky knew now was the time to come clean. Everything was out in the open already. Their feelings were mutual. There was hardly anything to be afraid of.

Repeating 'You can do it, you can do it’ in his head several times, Bucky took a step closer towards Steve. “About upstairs,”

“I meant every word I said, Buck.” Steve quickly ushered before he could say anything else. “I-”

Bucky took a step forward, cupped his cheeks and crashed his lips with Steve. He didn’t need to hear anything else.

It was the same man for whom he had pledged to be strong and brave, to help and to protect at all times. To stick with forever. Steve had left his newfound family of superheroes for him, defied over a hundred nations for him. If it wasn’t for what Bucky hoped it was, he didn’t know the workings of the world anymore.

Steve responded in kind. He grasped the back of his neck and laid a hand on the small of his back, pulling him closer. His heart thumped in his chest. They kissed and kissed and kissed, releasing years of pent up emotions.

When they parted, Bucky rested his head at the crook of Steve’s neck, breathing his scent, basking in it. Even cloud mattresses could not make him as comfortable as he had felt in that moment.

Softly but confidentaly, without any doubts, since  They were way past liking each other, Steve whispered in his ear, “I love you, jerk.”

Goosebumps rose on his skin. “I love you too, punk.” Grinning madly, he kissed him again.

Steve pulled back a little to look at his love of his life. He was smiling too. Finally, finally Bucky was his, and Bucky could call him his. However, Bucky’s insecurities were still ever prerent.

“Hey, you… you’re… you’ll be with me, right?” He looked at the floor.

Pecking his lips strongly, Steve said, “Never apart.” He knew Bucky needed more assurance. Who knew him better than Steve?

“Yes Bucky, it’ll always be you. You’ll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more.”

With amusement in his eyes, Bucky said, “Don’t do anything stupid”

“How can’t I? We’re together till the end of the line, love.”

~~~

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[ocular-intercourse]

okay @mangosandchili 14 OC questions instead of 16 cause ned picked the other two 🙏

actually.. let me split this character-wise so I won’t take 100 years

finn gets first draw always

🌲 What is the kindest thing your OC has ever done for someone? What is the kindest thing someone has ever done for them? On the flip side, what is the worst thing your OC has done to another person?

Hmm hm kindness seems like a weird concept to think about for Finn. Cause yeah, he is excessively, self-sacrificingly kind, but he can also turn that off pretty easily when the other end does not deserve it in his eyes. The kindest thing he has ever done, continues to do sometimes, absolutely misplaced, is caring for his father, not giving up on him. Back when they were still living together, when his dad was too drunk to function, he’d clean him up, clean up around him, sober him up, even after the beatings started, forgiving him over and over. The kindest thing someone did to him was probably his mom getting him out of that situation.

The worst thing he has done to somebody else.. what an absolute nightmare question for Finn hasdghj. Take your pick between not magically being able to keep Kitty alive, continuously cheating on Emily like the single greatest asshole in the world or leaving Shawn straight after he tried to kill himself… he’d probably be able to come up with some other things that seem to be true in his eyes but might not be quite as bad as he sees them.

🌳 What does your OC do when they see others upset or in pain? An upset friend? A stranger?

He helps. Stops what he is doing and runs to help the more he loves the person. He could be standing on the court of some major tournament and drop the bat to go and help one of his loved ones, you can call him in the middle of the night and be sure to count on his help. Nothing in his own personal life can be more important than helping a friend in distress, so he’ll almost always put himself second. And if he does not, for whatever reason, no matter how justified, he’ll feel guilty about it. The same goes for strangers, in a way, of course not quite as extreme. But if he’d see someone in need of help, he won’t walk past it. He’s the type of person, when you’re in public and something happens that makes everyone uncomfortable, makes them pointedly stare someplace else or walk off hurriedly, he’d be the one to step in with no regard to his personal safety. He’d be the guy trying to safe someone from getting hit with a car, or step in between fights, argue with the police, make sure a person gets home safe.. But he also thinks ahead about what he could do for people. I made a post a while back about him being the kind of person to bring homeless people warm drinks and shoes in winter. I’m not quite sure what drives him, I think it’s one part his personal experience, knowing how it feels when nobody helps, but also him feeling guilty, feeling like he is a burden and a bad person and he needs to counterweight somehow.

🌿 What is something true about your OC that they refuse to admit about themselves? Is there any reason to this besides embarrassment?

He will NOT. EVER. let people tell him he is/would be a good father. He is though, he’s been practically raising his little half-brother since he was three (he’s seven now) since his mother is.. uh.. not exactly full-time mom material. And the kid is so good, he’s great actually, smart as hell, already running circles around him, skipped some classes (actually I’m thinking about it more and more but what used to be a he when i came up with him might actually be a trans girl but we’ll see so I’m sticking with describing Bryant as him atm, that’d be something that develops in the story in the future). But if somebody tells him what a good job he did/does with Bryant Finn would shut that down immediately. And then go and cry about it. He gets really panicky about the thought of being a father, since fathers in his family have traditionally not been especially great at it. There are arguments between him and Shawn, who says that Finn worrying so much about being a good father would already make him a hell of a better father than he ever had.

🍃 Describe a regular day for your OC. What is their schedule (if they have one).

He’s developed a pretty good routine since he went pro, which helps a lot with his moods and all. He will get up early, 7-ish, go for a run, come home, make breakfast, a lot, cause he has to eat constantly to keep mass. Then it’s time for some “paperwork”, organizing stuff, calls with sponsors and partners and whoever wants something of him, photoshoots, interviews, collabs. Cooking, eating. Meeting with his trainer, training or training solo. Depending on the day picking up Bryant from school and hanging out with him/meeting his sister/mother/other friends. Cooking, eating. On every other day streaming, mostly some games, sometimes cooking, sometimes just hanging out with fans. Mania/depression will of course throw some wrenches in there but he’s been pretty good at keeping things together lately. If he’d be back with Shawn he’d also trim all the job stuff down a bunch, a lot of his excessive training atm is very much just to keep himself occupied.

🍁 What is your OC’s most traumatic experience? (If they don’t have just one traumatic experience either pick one or describe them all!)

Ha, laughing at the describe them all.. let’s not. The biggest is definitely losing Kitty. It has completely, both positively and negatively, marked his life. It made him develop his strict anti-drug stance and the focus on sticking things through to avoid hurting his family. Sometimes he thinks back to it, if Kitty would not have died, who he would have become. He’s mostly sure he’d be the one who had killed himself instead, without the trauma of losing her he would not have thought about what that would do to others as much. He’d most definitely be an addict in one way or another. He would not like himself very much. He also ABSOLUTELY hates that thought cause he can’t bare seeing anything positive in her death, he refuses to think about it that way. He’d bring her back in a heartbeat, regardless of what that would do to him. So instead he is much more focused on the fear of losing his loved ones, of somehow being responsible for it either directly or indirectly by not seeing it and not helping.

🍄 How would your OC react to the death of a friend/family member/loved one? Is there anyone they can confide in?

Oh boy how fitting. It was already the absolute worst thing to happen to him, knocked him out for quite a while, people had to babysit him constantly, he dropped out of school, it took him a lot of time and energy to resemble a human being again. If it would happen again I think he would just stop functioning. He wants to follow but promised himself not to, so he can’t, but that does not make him feel better. I think he would have to be hospitalized in some way or another, stay in a clinic for a while. Other than that Shawn and Raphael would be the ones he would confide in the most. His sister too, in a way, but with her he would be much more worried about putting all this negative shit on her.

🌾 What would your OC be like if they were evil. Or if they’re already evil what would they be like as the good guy?

Oh I’m excited about this question for some of the others lol. It’s really hard to picture Finn as an evil person. He sure likes to believe he’s an unlovable asshole but he’s really not, that’s at the core of his character. Evil Finn would have married Emily and been an asshole about it, cheating and not being safe about it. He’d be a drug dealer probably, that’s the worst thing regular Finn could imagine himself to be. He’d just be bitter and aggressive and living it out, enjoying dragging others into the muck with him.

💐 How would your OC react to somebody telling them that they love them? (+ bonus give another characters/OC name!)

Definitely depends on whether the intention is platonic or romantic. Emily and Raphael showing romantic interest would just make him sad? Melancholic? Guilty. Cause he wants to make them happy, but he can’t give them what they want, even if he loves them, he does not love them that way. Shawn telling him he loves him would just.. break a dam, he’d definitely cry and be absolutely overwhelmed and relieved. Also a little scared. Anybody else saying it would just prompt him to, uh, probably stop seeing them. Flight instinct. He is so not over what happened between him and Shawn he will run for the hills at any sign of a potential relationship.

🌷 What does your OC hate about themself? What lies about themself do they believe? On the flip side, What does your OC love about themself?

I love these questions, they were very much made for the way I write characters lol. Especially Finn, cause a lot of him is just being tortured by his brain and him knowing that, but still believing in it. He focuses on the bad things he has done, and there’s been a bunch, a lot of it definitely fueled by being bipolar, but he can’t accept that as a reason, he does not want to make excuses for his actions. So he just sees how he has hurt people in the past and deduces that he has to be an asshole. It is really hard to convince him otherwise. Even if he logically can understand that it is unlikely that people think this way about him, it’s still an underlying fear beneath everything and always some part of his motivation. So he’s weak, and a coward and selfish and a burden, unlovable. He definitely hates being impulsive and aggressive sometimes, there’s been a hundred times when he was in a fight, an unnecessary fight he couldn’t keep himself from starting, and saying things/doing things he did not mean to. He hates this fact, that he can lose control like that, it scares him.

On the flipside, he is somewhat narcissistic. If he does not hate himself for a second he considers himself to be pretty damn great. He prides himself on the way he takes care of other people. On how far he’s come, both mentally and professionally. He knows he’s a good musician, a good cook. He’s the kind of person that would refuse to work with others in a group project cause he knows he’s insufferable and would not be happy with other people’s work affecting his evaluation. He can’t watch other people do things he would do a different way without wanting to step in and correct them. But all of that ego is just a balloon that pops pretty quickly and he’s back to believing he’s the worst at everything.

🥀 What is something your OC blames themselves for and is it really their fault? Does it keep them up at night and is there any lingering trauma?

I like how these questions are all just building up on one another. He blames himself for not seeing how miserable Kitty had been, for having her persuade him to travel without her when he kinda knew he should probably worry about her, for not somehow having been able to, I don’t know, just know what was going to happen and act differently, or just generally for not being enough of a good force in her life for her to cling on to. That’s all just doubling down when Shawn tries to kill himself and he once again feels like it was his personal failure. Not being good enough or attentive enough, probably even being part of the reason why. There’s a whole lot of trauma there. Of course none of it is true. Kitty knew exactly how attentive Finn had been to her, it’s the reason she made sure he was away when she went through with it. The same goes for Shawn, where the reason was exactly the opposite of killing themselves because Finn was not enough, but rather because Finn was too much, too good, and they would just be bad for him if they would stay alive. Finn can’t see that angle, at all, if he did he would not accept it. It keeps him up in his worst nights. If/when he gets back together with Shawn it would be a major fear for him, Shawn having a relapse, Shawn dying of an overdose, intentional or not, Shawn getting to such a low point again without him realizing or being able to do anything about it. I imagine he would sometimes get a bit hysteric about stuff, if he does not know what Shawn is currently doing or something seems off, he is really good at working himself up into a frenzy about small stuff that feeds into his worst fears.

🌺 In what situation would your OC be pushed to commit an act of violence? Would they go as far to kill someone if they had to? How would this affect them and their relationships with others?

Well he’s certainly been in a bunch of fights, cause he’s provocative, he’s great at making people lose it, sometimes intentional sometimes not. He’s also not good at not reacting to provocation himself. Racism certainly feeds into that a lot. He’s had some manic phases where he was very much looking for fights. I think he would be able to kill someone, but only in the moment and only if it’s to protect himself or somebody else. He would not deal with it all too well, it would haunt him. He would think about that person having a life, a family, loved ones of their own. He would think about putting an end to somebody’s consciousness, that last fading moment, it’s all over, because of him, and he can’t take that back. I feel like the people around him would never be able to punish him for it as much as he would do himself. If he would have killed for Shawn’s sake, he, Shawn, would probably struggle a bit with accepting what has happened, because of him, what Finn had to do, because of him. He would be angry for a while, directed at Finn and himself. Finn would not be able to handle that very well, he can’t bare the thought of being hated be Shawn, he is so scared of being seen as bad, even though part of him has himself convinced that people see him this way anyways. He’s just scared of confirming what he already suspects.

🌸 What would your OC do if they were given god-like powers or the ability to change anything about the world for a whole day?

I think Finn would have a lot of problems with that timeframe. Cause there is not a lot of things god-like powers are worth of that would make sense for such a short amount of time. He would think about ending hunger and homelessness, discrimination, racism, the entire system, he would bring Kitty back, he would want to make everything okay.. but only for a day?? And then go back to square one? We would rather not change anything than have something great for a second only for it to be taken away again. So it would all be about creating a nice experience with the people he loves, allowing them all to do something they have wanted to do their whole lives.

🌼 Describe one of your OC’s worst nightmares.

Oh I think I mentioned them all already. Family members and close friends dying, or other terrible things happening to them. Alternatively finding out that everybody hates him and he’s hurt all the people he loves without realizing it, that they all think he and his moods are a burden and they’d all be happier without him.

🌻 What advice would your OC give to their younger self? What advice does your OC need now?

Don’t try to stick to how you think things are supposed to be as much versus doing what you actually want to do. Don’t bend and break yourself to fit some sort of premade mold that society created for you. He has done a lot of hurtful things to himself and others only cause he tried to play by the rules. He dated Emily for much longer, trying to present himself as straight, than he should have, experimenting on the side and hurting her that way. He excused his father’s behavior way too much, being the filial son he’s supposed to be, cause it’s family and family sticks together and forgives. He’s hated himself so much for his illness, trying to force it away instead of accepting that it’s there and acting accordingly to get a better grip on it. He still hasn’t outed himself to his father or the world, since he became somewhat famous, because he’s really insecure about it changing the way people will look at him.  That’s probably what he could use good advice on these days. He knows, somewhere, that he should out himself, that it is a fantastic thing to do, in his position, to work towards change. He’s just not quite ready to pay the price and he feels awfully guilty about it. Someone should tell him about all the people he could be representing, but also about how much living his life without hiding anything will free him.

[dragonleesupporter]

Checking It Twice

AN: WOOO this took a lot. Hope yall enjoy!

(Warnings: Remus, something close to depression, and a little tickling.)

Logan had gone over his lists for who got what present that Christmas. It wasn’t hard, since Patton had demanded a Christmas list from each of them, which the cat-loving side promptly hung on the fringe to display what everyone wanted. Logan had gotten everyone one or two of the items they desired, except for one.

           Sadly, one of the sides had made it onto Logan’s naughty list. Despite Patton desperately trying to get the logical side to change his mind, Logan’s decision had been made, he had checked his list off for this Christmas.

           “Maybe check it again?” Patton urged.

           “I am not the fictional character of Santa, Patton. There’s literally no need to ‘check my list twice.’ It’s set in stone. Remus gets no presents from me this year.” He crossed his arms, walking up to his room to dress properly for Christmas Eve.

           “But it’s not his fault!” Patton called after him before giving up and retreating to his room as well.

           If any of the sides were going to be on the naughty list for Christmas, it would be Remus. The fatherly side had tried to argue that Remus was the literal dark side of imagination and couldn’t help what he was. Logan countered that Deceit was at least putting in effort to not lie as often and to even add to a conversation without hindering it or changing it’s direction. While the few chances that was granted to Remus to change his behavior for the better, the duke had just taken advantage of their generosity, leaving them humiliated, angered, and even a few times, hurt.

           He had been constantly bothering them left and right, like the pest he was, and it had only gotten worse as Christmas neared. Walking in on them while they were dressing to tease them, constantly bringing up disgusting facts or conspiracies during dinner that made the others lose their appetite, especially Virgil. Pranking them to point of pain, not to mention the stuff he put on his Christmas list. Logan even had to look up a few of the items and cringed at what his computer displayed before deleting his cookies for that website.

           Logan had decided that even if he wanted to give Remus a gift for some reason, he wouldn’t be able to give him anything close to what was on his repulsive list.

           Roman had tried to convince him to change his mind, too, but it was a fruitless effort, the prince using the same debunkable knowledge.

           Virgil, Deceit and Logan had refused to give Remus a gift. Despite that, the evening had gone relatively well. Each of them had gotten what they wanted, plus a stick of deodorant. Remus didn’t really get anything on his list.

           At first, Logan thought Patton’s and Roman’s pleading were in fear of what would happen if the duke didn’t get what he wanted, since he had done terrible things in the past as a response to similar events.

           But something about Remus had piqued Logan’s curiosity that night. He wasn’t sure what it was, and he was never all that good at describing feelings, but Remus seemed calm down during the gathering despite his odd intensity leading up to it, and despite he got nothing he wanted.

           Late into that night, the teacher had just gotten done with his work and finally retired to go to his room. Even during the holiday, there were still things to be done, despite the others trying to convince him to take a break. Along the way to his room he passed by the doors of his companions, each playing their own Christmas song.

           Virgil was currently listing to the Christmas song from Nightmare Before Christmas, using some new headphones he got that night. Logan peeked in with a gentle smile and saw the purple side gently rocking back and forth, humming to the tune with his eyes peacefully shut.

He walked past Patton’s room next, and heard the fatherly aspect singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. When he looked inside, Patton was shuffling through pictures of Christmas past, singing the tune while bouncing in place, occasionally lifting the box smelling of Christmas to his face. Logan’s smile grew.

As he continued down the hallway, he heard a gentle hissing coming from the next room. He leaned in and saw a figure hunched over near a fire, wrapped in several dozen blankets with a hat peacefully sitting on an adjacent table.

         “Sssssince we’ve no placccce to go… let it sssssnow, let it ssssnow, let it ssssnow…” It seems even Deceit could appreciate the winter holiday, even if he constantly complained about the cold.

         Logan felt his smile growing even more as he walked past Roman’s dorm, hearing a deep elegant voice.

         “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know…” If anybody could reach those notes with such grace and elegancy, it would be the prince.

           Logan was almost content… almost. Until he realized he had one more room to pass.

           Even before reaching it, the teacher could hear loud speakers playing the remix version of “Jingle My Bells.”

 Sigh.

 He was scared to, but his curiosity got the better of him, and the logical aspect peeked inside. He was surprised at what he found.

 Flashing lights, dozens of empty cartons of most-likely spiked eggnog, booming speakers, the disco ball… all of those were normal. So… what wasn’t?

 Remus was seen on the floor, passed out with an odd sad frown on his face. An expression that did not compute well with Logan’s knowledge of the duke. The teacher was used to the crazy smile, the childish pout, and angry glare with eye roll… but, sad? Remus was never sad!

 Logan noticed that with the duke passed out, no one would turn off the booming music coming from the speakers. He saw the stereo and carefully made his way towards it, stepping around all the eggnog cartons like landmines. Logan shut off the music and turned around quickly, part of him expecting Remus to be awake and ready to prank him, but the duke was still on the floor with that terrible expression.

 It was then that he realized a book on a nearby table, opened and inviting him to read it. The dark blue side tried to resist the urge of his curiosity, but once again, it got the better of him as he found himself reading what could only be Remus’s personal diary.

 ‘December 25th, Christmas Eve,

 It still worked. Less so than in previous years, but it still worked. They still hate me. Roman and Patton have been trying to show sympathy despite me telling them not to! Roman knows what’s going down! I don’t know why those dorks don’t seem to get it, even with my pestering. Even ol’ double Dee nearly gave into their sentimentality.

Roman knows I’m supposed to be hated, yet he STILL tries to get people to-ugh- CARE about me. Dear Zeus, the thought of it nearly makes me want to swallow live wire again. It even, dare I say it, scares me. If they start caring about me, I will TRULY lose it. All these years of them casting me away, taking the insanity and darkness with me so they could all love my dear brother like we arranged… all for nothing?? Now they’ll accept me because they ‘changed their minds’?

There was once a time I felt love a long time ago, but it wasn’t meant for me. Pain is meant for me… despite how much I want it to stop- No. I’m going to make sure they always hate me, especially Logan. Virgil and Dee might give in just because they know what I’ve been through… they were there when it happened after all… but Logan’s too strong for that. Maybe not smart enough to realize, but hey- that enema’s got the only real leash on me.

I love it when he gets all angry and puts his foot down. Or when he rolls his eyes at me, oh ESPCEIALLY that long sigh of his. He’ll never know it, but it actually fills me with a sense of strange belonging. I’m doing my job RIGHT. I’m making him HATE me, like I’m supposed to. GOD, it hurts so bad. But it’s my purpose, so in a way… it feels so good… If my broken self could ever love again, Logan would be the one to receive it. AAAOOO, but I can’t. Neither would he want me to, I’m certain.  

Ugh, all this writing’s so boring, time to treat myself to some spiked eggnog and bleach.’

 Logan’s eye twitched. How could he have been so stupid? The answers were all there… He just didn’t see it. He thought Remus’s attitude was caused by an underdeveloped mind, when in reality, he was thinking on a deeper field than Logan was! Ironically, he suddenly wanted to make the duke feel loved despite what the note said.

 He peered behind him, Remus was still out, his chest rising and falling steadily. Now the sad expression made so much more sense… what was this feeling Logan was experiencing? It was making him want to be closer to the duke. Feeling a need to apologize, or help him feel better in some way.

 He cautiously walked up to him and reached his hand out to touch his face, not really knowing what he was doing anymore, but following a weird voice in his head. His hand gently glided against Remus’s cheek, and Logan felt a strange bubbly glow as the duke smiled a little. The teacher felt himself smiling too as his fingers wandered underneath Remus’s chin, scratching a little.

 The mustached man giggled, squirming a little.  

 “Hmhmhmhmhm… Thahahat tihihihckles…” He murmured sleepily, his light-hearted giggles giving a huge comparison to his normally manic cackles.

 There was something sweet about his voice that the dark blue side had never heard before. Well, he knew that somehow, his fingers had made their way down to Remus’s neck without him realizing, making the duke laugh louder, but not enough to wake him up.

 “Ah- Ahahahaha… Hoohoohoohoohoo…”

 What was happening to Logan’s chest? The gentle sweet sound of Remus’s real laugh was making’s Logan’s ribcage feel heavy… was he getting sick? Did the duke trick him after all?

 Remus started to scrunch up his shoulders, his smile getting wider and his face flushing.

 “What the hell…” Logan couldn’t help but murmur. He had NEVER seen the duke blush, aside from the times he had gotten himself severely drunk. But this was kind of blushing was… cute… the duke was… cute?? Logan rephrased the statement/question multiple times in his head and it all pointed to the same answer.

 Yes… very cute. The poor green side had been trapped in this position for so long that even writing his thoughts down were paradoxical and crazy. Logan felt a stab of pity for the duke, and knew that if he wanted to save him, (and maybe see some more of his cuteness) he would have to be subtle…

 His brain moved from the confusing place of emotions to strategy, a much more comfortable place. He went to move away from the duke to plan out his ideas, but was surprised when he was yanked back a little.

 While the teacher had been reflecting, the green side had latched onto his arm, desperate for warmth, and was NOT letting go…

 “Uh-oh…” Logan tried twisting, pulling shaking, all to no avail. Remus had an iron grip on something he had wanted for so long.

 An idea came to the teacher as he smirked, using his other hand to skitter at Remus’s side, ever so lightly, through the fabric of his sweater.

 Sleepy giggles slipped from the duke as his body started shimmying away from the tickling feeling. “Nohohohoho…” His chuckles sent a wave of warmth through the teacher, and with a determined grin, his skittering turned into full-on scratching and squeezing.

 Remus’s eyes snapped open as his hands released. “AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STOHOHOPIIHIHIT!” He looked up to identify his attacker but… no one was there.

 “Huh?” The mustached man sat up, looking around his room to find everything as it was, except his speakers were off, and his journal was shifted a little.

 “Who in the name of Zeus would- oh, ooooh owie… here comes the headache…” Luckily, the green side passed out again before he could hear the snickering coming from just outside his door.

 ***

 The next morning, all the sides had a present under the tree for them from Santa. Remus wasn’t surprised when there wasn’t one for him, and tried to act disappointed and pouty, even though he was delighted to get what he deserved. He reached into his sticky, smelly stocking, surprised to find no coal. Yet, he found a…

 “Ribbon?” He cocked his head as the chatter from the others in the background died down to gentle murmurs, watching him.

 The duke followed the green ribbon to a present under the tree. His façade fell.

 “Oh, come on!” He balled his fists. “Who on earth gave me a present?! Why?!” He turned around to find the others backed against a wall. “I don’t deserve it!” He raked his hands through his hair.

“Wh-why don’t ya open it, k-kiddo?” Patton stuttered.

 Remus looked down at the gift, scared at the indication that someone cared for him enough to forgive him for all his terrible acts and still give him a present.

He unwrapped it and felt tears prick at his eyes when he saw it was an especially made, Pickle-Poo-Lawns with Extra Onions and Toenails Deodorant. He opened the cap and it smelled even worse than his own creation.

It was AMAZING.

He turned and looked at the others who were all as shocked as him, except for one tie-wearing side, who gazed down at him with a sly smile.

 Oh… OH. Maybe Remus could love after all.

 @did-he-just-hiss-at-me

@cefsticklestoo

@all-my-fandoms-are-killing-me

@thestarswelcomemewithopenarms

@ollyollyoxinfree

@cooliofooliosanders

@bexxbeauty

[petri808]

Wintery Wonderland

Kiribaku winter drabble

❄️❄️☃️⛸⛸

There’s been another threat to the UA students, and a campus lock down was put into effect. Not surprisingly, the students weren’t at all happy about being holed up in their dorms. It was the weekend! The snow and clear weather outside was perfect for snow ball fights, ice skating, making snowmen and snow angels, or just diving into the fluffy white drifts. They were teenagers with a lot of pent up energy. But the teachers refused, safety being more important.

As if that would stop the students of Class 1-A.

They played on All Might’s heartstrings, and Iida reasoned with Aizawa, until finally their teacher relented on two conditions. First All Might, who offered to supervise, would stay with them, and two, they could not leave the gymnasium. At first, a few were confused because being stuck in the gym was no different than their dorms. That was until Iida explained. Todoroki has offered to turn the gym into a winter playground.

“Tch, show off,” Bakugou sneers.

Kirishima bumps Bakugou’s shoulder with his fist. “Come on B, it’s still better than nothin, or would ya rather go back to the dorms.”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t go!” Bakugou turns and starts walking towards the gym with the rest of their class. But Kirishima doesn’t hop to his side quick enough. He huffs, stops, and without turning yells. “Oi! Hurry the fuck up shitty hair!”

That makes Kirishima jump, but he follows orders, getting to his friends side in seconds.

“So,” Bakugou mumbles as they walk, “they said half n half is gonna make a skating section... you wanna skate with me?”

“I.. yeah sure, I guess...”

“You don’t gotta! If you don’t wanna...” Bakugou’s voice trails off. He turns his head sharply to look away, as the heat rises on his cheeks. “I just like skating, okay?! It ain’t like me asking ya means anything special!”

Kirishima chuckles at his friends back peddling. He didn’t understand what Bakugou meant by the last part, but figured it was to save his pride. “Don’t worry, I’ll skate with ya B.“

As the pair reach the gymnasium and enter the building, they’re greeted with a chorus of very enthusiastic whooping and hollering from their classmates, egging on Todoroki as he creates a playground of snow. It reminded Bakugou of their training simulations, where different sections held different conditions. Flat snow covered sections, perfect for sculpting angels or building snowmen. Hilly areas with natural snow berms for an epic snowball battle. Icy slides and finally a faux lake, icy and glistening, just begging to be skated on.

“Wow...” the word slips from Bakugou’s lips before he catches himself and clears his throat, pretending it never happened. “Tch, not bad from the twerp.”

While Todoroki finishes his task, a few quick announcements are made and rules laid out. Quirk use was a no-no, today was about fun and just living up a normal teenage experience. Anyone wanting to skate needed to check in with Todoroki who would create ‘ice’ skates for them.

“Any questions?” All Might asks the students. When no one says a word, he releases them.

The students rush into the room, spreading out into each area. Bakugou and Kirishima, along with a couple others head to the ice lake. Todoroki outfits them with skates, warning them that they’ll hold up to normal use, but trying to pull off stunts like jumping might crack them.

Bakugou didn’t pay much attention to what Todoroki was saying since he didn’t plan on doing any stunts. He just wanted to skate. Ever since he was a young boy, there was something about the freedom he felt while on the ice, gliding along its surface, and letting his cares float away. But it could get boring skating alone.

He notices Kirishima putting his earphones on to listen to music. “You gonna share?” Bakugou questions the man. He didn’t invite his friend to skate only for it to be a one-sided enjoyment.

“Huh? Oh, sorry, here.” Kirishima hands him one and smiles. It was going to be awkward sharing a set of wired headphones, but he didn’t want to upset his friend. “Got any requests?”

“Nothin’ too loud, like that metal shit.” He feels his face reddening, “got any softer stuff?”

Kirishima pauses, blinking. ‘Soft stuff?’ “Um, I think so.”

Realizing what he was requesting, Bakugou clarifies, “I don’t mean sappy, just not too loud.”

His friend laughs, “okay I think I understand.”

Once the music was sorted out, the pair shove off, joining into the circular strides of the other skaters. It was only then that Bakugou realizes sharing the headphones wasn’t the smartest idea while trying to skate, but he doesn’t want to stop. Instead, he slows his glides in order to keep pace with Kirishima.

It would have been easier to just tell Kirishima not to use the headphones and eliminate the problem. Maybe a part of him wanted a logical reason to keep his friend close. They were just listening to music. No big deal. It’s not like he’d planned on his friend bringing his wired set. And it wasn’t the first time they’re shared headphones to listen to music. Sometimes it was his set, this time it was Kiri’s.

But after a couple of rotations, and one or the other’s side pulling out a dozen times, Bakugou grows frustrated and needs to make a new decision. He looks away while reaching out and grabs hold of Kirishima’s hand. His cheeks burn, flushed from the frigid air swishing past them, mixed with the nervous embarrassment he’ll never admit to. Bakugou pretends nothing new or odd was happening. So what if he was holding his best friends hand, he silently dares anyone to try and say a word about it, cause it did the trick. No more lost ear buds.

A tiny trickle of electricity sparks through Kirishima when Bakugou takes his hand. His eyes peer over and notices his friend purposely looking away. The red flush of Bakugou’s face was endearing. He grins, but dares not acknowledge what he sees. This hot-head was so cute in this moment! Kirishima feels his own face heating up at the emotions and thoughts flowing through his mind.

As they stroll along, it was like magic had descended in this wintery wonderland of snow and ice. All around the air was filled with joy and laughter. Their classmates enjoying the gift Todoroki had given them. It was easy to forgot why they were there in the first place.

They hear a couple of snickers and Bakugou’s quick to react. “Shut your faces and mind your own damn business!”

A slight skip of Kiri’s heart sends a rush of adrenaline through his core at his friends attempt to protect them. He keeps his eyes facing forward, but squeezes Bakugou’s hand tight, communicating his desire to not let go.

Bakugou tenses from Kiri’s reaction, but returns the gesture. Fuck what anybody else thinks. This was between him and Kirishima and if he wanted to hold his... is friend really the right word anymore? Ahh, fuck labels. All that mattered was having Kiri by his side. Anything after that was just a bonus.

[eldritchsurveys]

796.

Do you think Lady Gaga is actually “flopping” at the moment? >> This seems like a time-sensitive question, but I don’t know when this survey was made. Regardless, I know nothing about the state of Lady Gaga’s career except for the fact that a new song by her popped up on my Spotify Release Radar a couple of months ago. What do you do when a man you’re not interested in asks for your number? >> This doesn’t happen to me, thankfully. Do you think it’s important to relax a lot? >> I think relaxation is a pleasant thing to experience, and that’s about the extent of my thoughts about it.

What reality shows are you watching at the moment? >> None. Which places in the UK would you most like to visit, other than London? >> I’d like to see Edinburgh, and maybe some parts of Wales and Northern Ireland.

Is there anywhere you like to go because you find one of the employees attractive? >> No. That’s a thing Sparrow and I joke about sometimes, but if I patronise a business it’s legitimately because I want whatever they’re selling, no matter who’s behind the counter. Is there a big age gap between your parents? >> There was, yeah. Almost 30 years. If you watch Glee, what has been your favorite song so far? If you don’t, why do you choose not to watch it? >> I’ve never seen it. It just never intrigued me enough to check it out. Did your parents ever forbid you from hanging out with anyone? >> Many times. I was basically forbidden from hanging out with just about anyone. Do you have any Disney cuddly toys? >> Nope. I wish I had some Stitch toys, though. I still want that sleepy Stitch I saw that one time... ;_; Do you think selfless deeds truly exist? >> I don’t really understand the concept of selflessness because I think I take it too literally -- that to be selfless is to do something with no regard whatsoever for oneself, which sounds... kind of impossible to me. Even doing something kind for someone else is an action that you undertake for some personal reason -- whether it’s that you want to be a kind person, or you want to be seen as a kind person, or you want the rewards of being kind, or whatever. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, either. No matter what the reason, you still acted kindly. That’s important. I don’t know if there’s something I’m missing with the idea of “selflessness”, but if so, hopefully someone will set me straight eventually. Do you think survey sites will ever die out? >> Sites will die out, sure -- it happened to Xanga. The Internet is subject to entropy just like everything else is. The practice of survey-making and survey-taking might take a longer time to die out. Maybe in a couple of generations, lol. Is there anyone on Xanga who seems to have a lot of money? >> Now there’s a dated question. If you drink, why? If you don’t, why not? >> Because I enjoy it. I don’t get as much out of it as I used to, so I drink a lot less than I used to. But I genuinely enjoy trying new drinks, learning about different kinds of alcohol, learning about new trends in brewing, etc. The psychoactive effects of alcohol are kind of just a side benefit (when they’re a benefit, anyway). Is there anything that certain people look down on you for? >> Probably. Some people will look down on people for anything.

How many people have feelings for you? >> I don’t know. Have you ever been cheated on? >> Not to my knowledge. Are you hard to please? >> In some ways. I have a lot of idiosyncrasies and I can be almost neurotically discerning about certain things. But I balance it out by being pretty live-and-let-live about anything that doesn’t directly affect me negatively.

Are your friends just like you? >> No one is just like me. Just... logically. What are you craving right now? >> Nothing. How are you feeling right now? >> Neutral. What are you sick of? >> People blasting music in their cars. Are you missing anyone/​​something?​​ >> No. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? >> No. No one can see him, period. Do you love the last person you called? >> --- Could you date someone taller than you? >> --- Next time you will kiss someone? >> Oh, whenever. Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the planet? >> No. Did you hold hands with anyone today? >> No. What were you doing at 12.00 this morning? >> Sleeping. Do you wear glasses? >> Nope. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? >> I’m not sure. I woke up a few times and was kind of restless. When is your birthday? >> May 28. What color shirt are you wearing? >> Grey. What’s your current problem? >> I’m not experiencing any problems just this second. Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around? >> Not really. I mean, I do think the “spiral” narrative form (where we revisit themes in our lives over and over, but every revisit is different because we are different people every time, that sort of thing) is a perfectly reasonable way to interpret one’s life. But that’s not usually what people mean when they say this, as far as I can tell, and since I don’t find the concept of karma (particularly as experienced in a single lifetime as opposed to over multiple lifetimes) useful, it doesn’t mean anything to me. Are you excited for winter? >> Dude, it just got warm. Let me enjoy it. Do you think you’re wasting your time on the person you like? >> I’m not wasting time on anyone.

[shibuemiyuu]

Desires - Hakuoki Fanfiction - Chapter 8

Start from this chapter, someone had helped me for the editing. The credits goes to @impracticaldemon​ (Thank you Oni-chan!). Without her, this story won’t be as enjoyable as it is, with my English is still far from perfect :)

May you enjoy this chapter also :D

Chapter of the stories:

Prequel - Prologue - I - II - III - IV - V - VI - VII

@hijichiweek​ @kirakirachiizuru​

Miyuu

-VIII-

Time had flown so fast. Without anybody realizing it, the season had changed. From winter, to spring, and now summer. Many things had happened. But there were also things that didn't change.

Long story short, half of the members of the Shinsengumi had joined with Itou and departed from the Shinsengumi. And not only the regular members had left; Saitou and Heisuke, the Captains of the Third and Eighth squad respectively, had also joined with Itou.

Harada and Nagakura didn't cope well with the situation. Kondou didn't say a lot about it, neither did Hijikata and Okita. But while there was a gloomy air around the former about things, the other two were rather aloof and cool.

About Hijikata… After that unfortunate incident (Hijikata's sickness) had passed, things inside the Shinsengumi were so hectic that his and Chizuru matter was… how could one put it? It just stayed like that. Nothing happened. It was not solved; it did not improve. As if the problem had never happened. About the tension? After Hijikata healed from his sickness, oddly enough the tension also lessened. If someone didn't start to talk about 'that', the tension was as normal and cool as it should be. At one time, before Saitou and Heisuke left, Kondou had gathered the captains to talk about the matter.

"I have talked to Toshi about you-know-what." He paused to arrange the words he had to say regarding the sensitive subject. "Trust me. It is not an easy thing to deal with. And it's not for me to tell you what the problem is." Kondou had seen Okita open his mouth. He had cut his chance to ask whatever he wanted to. Okita shut his mouth, obeying the chief. "I can't promise all of you that the matter will be solved in the near time. But Toshi has promised me to do something about this suffocating atmosphere. That's all I can tell you. And please, be patient."

Kondou had begged the others to be considerate. And they had tried to do what he had asked, even though most of them didn't feel happy about the wait-and-be-patient thing again. But, yeah, after that the tension and the suffocating atmosphere had dissipated to almost nothing. In fact, it had been replaced with another tension that had been brewing inside the Shinsengumi before that tension happened.

As stated above, it wasn't solved. It didn't improve. It stayed just the same.

And so, the days had passed. Waiting for the hand of fate to strike another blow or whatever it had in store, which would happen that fateful night.

---

While standing under the blazing sun, Chizuru was sweeping the compound's ground. Her mind was occupied with many things. What had happened with Shinsengumi for the past month had taken a half of it.

The Shinsengumi that she had known since she'd joined (unwillingly at first) and had come to get accustomed to and like…. wasn't the same Shinsengumi anymore. Some of them, like Saitou and Heisuke had left. She had tried to talk with them both and they had told her their reasons for why they had made their decision to leave. But still, the sorrow and sadness that she felt later was to be expected.

The other members such as Nagakura and Harada were not coping well with the parting, as stated above, especially Nagakura. The two of them, with Heisuke, were the so call san-baka. The trio was the one that welcomed her first when she came to the force. She always enjoyed the time that they spent together. While the other members, such as Hijikata and Okita, just acted cool with the situation. She could even say that they weren't only cool, but also… cold.

"We were allies yesterday, but if our positions change we could be enemies tomorrow. That's life." She quoted exactly from Hijikata's reply when she asked him about his thoughts on Heisuke and Saitou leaving the Shinsengumi. Okita was the same. She didn't understand what was on their mind. They were friends, comrades… family. Apparently, their bond wasn't as strong as she had thought. If worse came to worst, they could kill each other without hesitation. She hoped that the time for that to happen would not come, ever.

She stopped and wiped her sweat from her forehead. It also had drenched her clothes. The sun was so blazingly hot that day. She felt a little dizzy from standing too long in the hot weather. She walked and stopped under the shade of the temple's building, hiding from the blinding rays of the sun. She leaned on the wall, putting her head against it.

Speaking of Hijikata, another headache was threatening to surface into her head.

She knew that at one time Kondou had gathered the captains and spoken to them about Hijikata's matter. She didn't know what they had talked about, but she could deduce whatever it was had somehow related to the stuffy atmosphere.

No one should know that the cause of the weird tension inside the compound was because of her and Hijikata's situation. Even Hijikata did not know that he had also taken a part of it. But somehow, she had a hunch that maybe he knew and realized about their situation. Because he would not react like he did about 'that' day. When she mentioned about his hair being loose from the cord, and his stiff reaction, that wasn't an act of someone that didn't know about the situation. She had pondered on this thing for a while.

'Was he not asleep as I had thought on that day?'

She had a suspicion that he indeed knew what had transpired on that day. And dread was upon her. If Hijikata knew and realized that it was her that he had slept with, that they had slept together…. She was planning how to run away from the Shinsengumi. But… After he had healed from his sickness, the tension between them that she always felt whenever they were in closed proximity, it had gone.

If she stayed in the same room with Hijikata, even when it was only the two them, nothing happened.

'He was drunk that time. There's no way that he could be sober and know what had happened, much less remembered and known that he had slept with me. You're just imagining things, Chizuru.' In the end, that's what she concluded. Still, there was this nagging feeling that stuck with her and told her that there was something else. But she decided to push aside that feeling for the time being.

As time went by, sometimes, she would wonder if the event that had happened between them was a dream or not. But from the murmurs of the members that she had picked up here and there, and from the talk between her and Inoue, and of course from her body itself, she had found the proof that she needed, that indeed, what had transpired between her and Hijikata was not a dream.

She heaved a sigh. Then she looked to her arm.

'If not because of that night… It's because of my demon blood. They would not become like this… They would still be together.'

The incident that occurred before Itou and half of the Shinsengumi had left from the force she would always blame on herself. The supposed 'dead' Sannan-san was found out by Itou that night. Why the escaped Rasetsu would come to her room was still unknown. But she had a hunch that maybe it had come to her room because the Rasetsu had smelt her demon blood... Or maybe she had just had an unfortunate moment. But if not for the ruckus, Itou would not have found out about Sannan condition and the separation would not have happened. She didn't voice her thoughts on this, but somehow there was someone that saw through her and said these words to her:

"They leave because they have to leave… Think about the future. If they're leaving, they have some problem with the Shinsengumi. Better they leave now, than before that problem gets worse." Again, she quoted the exact words Hijikata had said to her. His logic made sense on the other hand. Perhaps it was for the best it had happened. But the next words were not something she had expected: "So stop blaming yourself that it's your fault that they're leaving. No one knew that the escaped Rasetsu would come to your room and what happened next. It's a coincidence. It's a good thing that nobody was harmed." She remembered he paused and patted her head before saying the next unexpected words. "Your demon blood sure comes in handy at a time like this. At least you won't get any scar from the blade wound." She looked up to meet his gaze. And there was a little spark from their brief gaze, she swore.

That was the closest affection they'd had in the past months after the Shinsengumi had left. He had left her rooted to the spot. Good thing there was no one around; she could feel that her desire to be touched again by him flaring from her body. She hugged her body and sank down to the ground. She squeezed her eyes shut, waited for her raging heartbeat to calm down. It was just a small gesture, but it was enough to make her want him more. She had fallen again, deeper and deeper. Just how could he know that she had been blaming herself this entire time? Had she unconsciously shown it through her body gestures or had she said something without knowing that had told the other what she had thought? She had tried to be discreet in this matter, but once again, her effort was not enough.

…Or was it only Hijikata that realized about this? If Kondou or Inoue had caught what was on her mind, surely they would talk to her about this, would they… not? Just how much she had fallen to the oni-fukuchou that she was hoping that Hijikata would ever think about her that way? She stopped her thoughts about the vice commander because if not she would think about him all day and she could not promise that her chores would be finished on schedule… As if she could prevent that from happening.

From where she stood, she could see the activity around the compound. Then some movement caught her eyes. It was Hijikata and Kondou on their way to some place in the compound. She had gained some control of her heart around his presence. At least it did not threaten to jump out from her chest anymore. But the longing feeling still lingered inside her body, whenever she thought about him. The two men went inside one room and closed the door. She stared at the said room for a while. Then she straightened her leaning form. The lunch time had come and she had to prepare the dishes for the captains. Time to do her routine chores.

She would ponder on her thought again later when the night came.

But she didn't know that she would not have time to do that later, on the same night.

---

For an unknown reason, Chizuru couldn't sleep that night. She had told herself to sleep but the sleepiness did not come. In the end, she sat on her futon and did what she'd always done for quite some time. To ponder what was inside her mind. Maybe because there were many things swirling in her mind, she couldn't get the sleep that she wanted. But that day, there was also this restless feeling. It was not that she hadn't thought about this every day… But this time there was a foreboding feeling. Something might happen. Something bad might happen…

Suddenly Chizuru heard the door of her room was being knocked. She hurried to open the door and met the person that had occupied most of her mind stared back at her.

"Hijikata-san?" Chizuru surprised. He never visited to her room if there was nothing of importance. "Did something happen?"

Hijikata looked to her, clad only in her sleepwear. Then he moved his head and looked straight into her eyes. "Are you preparing to sleep?"

"Y-yes. I mean, no." Chizuru stuttered a bit, still surprised by with his visit. "I tried to sleep but the sleep won't come… What is it?"

"You have a visitor."

A visitor? "Who?"

"You'll see. Get up and," Hijikata gestured to her body, "change your clothes. Come to the common room. Be quick."

"R-Right!"

Hijikata left Chizuru's room without waiting for her. Once he had gone, she changed her clothes fast and shuffled down the hallway. When she stepped into the common room, her eyes locked on to a figure that she hadn't seen for a long time.

"Hello Chizuru-chan!"

"Osen-chan?!"

All the remaining captains were inside the room. Also, there was someone else seated next to her friend that Chizuru didn't recognize. A beautiful woman dressed in a ninja's outfit, like what Yamazaki would wear but it the female version. All eyes were on these visitors, wondering what news they had brought with them.

Sen-hime, or as Chizuru liked to call her Osen-chan, was a demon princess. Her ancestor was Suzuka Gozen, a famous figure that was known because she had run away to be with a human rather than stay with her oni companion. Osen-chan wasn't a pure blood oni, but her title should be more than enough to show that she held an important position in the oni clan. This wasn't the first time that the princess had graced the Shinsengumi with her presence. Long before, about 6 months ago, she had come to the Shinsengumi and had dropped the bomb on the Shinsengumi, especially on Chizuru.

"You're an oni. Same as me. And a pure blood one. Your surname, Yukimura, is the proof that you're indeed an oni. Yukimura was the biggest oni clan in the east. But they were murdered and killed by the humans that had known about them. We thought that there were no survivors of the Yukimura clan because of the incident. But here you are! Alive and pretty, even though you have to wear hakama and dress like a man." That was what Sen-hime had said to the members of Shinsengumi when she had visited them for the first time. More or less. The second time was when the Shinsengumi had wanted to sneak inside Shimabara to catch some rebels, they had asked for her help to dress Chizuru as a geiko and she went under-covered that way. No one (the ones that had seen) would ever forget how pretty and beautiful Chizuru had been as a geiko.

Chizuru sat beside between Kondou and Hijikata. She directed her gaze to Sen and her companion.

Chizuru hadn't seen Sen since the day she asked permission to go to Shimabara months ago. Which was also the same night that the 'incident' had happened. Dismissing the thought, she focused her attention back to the visitors.

"How are you Chizuru-chan?"

"I'm fine. Thank you." Chizuru glanced to the ninja woman and Sen knew what she wanted to ask.

"Oh yeah. I forget to mention my companion. She's… she's my bodyguard, one might say." No other explanation. Since she had entered the room, the captains had not uttered any word. The short explanation prompted more questions; even then they were still in silent mode. But their gazes and stares were speaking another language. A stranger had come to the Shinsengumi; even if she had come with someone they knew. But the short explanation had made it their business to ponder of who this stranger might be. Frankly speaking they were on high alert. She gulped, hoping that the meeting would not turn into a fight.

"So, um, Osen-chan… Why did you come?"

"I came for you. I come to take you with me, Chizuru-chan." Sen said it short and straight forward. In the middle of the night she had dropped another unexpected bomb on the force, again. The captains certainly did not see it coming. Their widening eyes and hanging mouths (Nagakura and Kondou) were the proof.

"…Pardon?" Chizuru was speechless. That's the only word that she could utter on her distraught state of mind.

"And it's about time I take you with me. You're an oni Chizuru and your place is not among the humans."

"So you're saying that she must leave and join with you, the oni clan, because she is an oni and that's why she must not live with us the filthy humans?" Nagakura spat the words, irate with Sen.

"That's not what she has been saying." Sen's companion defended her mistress.

"But it is what you have implied! That is what I have heard from the words you have been saying to us!" Nagakura yelled angrily. He was on his feet because of the anger that he had felt and the ninja woman was also on her feet, readied to attack.

"Kimigiku." Sen called her companion's name and the ninja woman sat back in her seat. Hijikata scoffed when he heard the ninja's name.

"I had wondered why you were being so friendly with us back then. While in fact you were gathering information on the Shinsengumi."

The ninja gave a slight and innocent smile. "I have no idea on what you mean."

"You know her, Hijikata-san?!" Nagakura exclaimed, darting his stare to the vice commander. "Where did you meet her?!"

Harada that sat beside Nagakura nudged him with his elbow, "Move your eyes up about six inches, Shinpachi. You have heard her name. Doesn't it ring any bells inside your brain? It's the geiko in Shimabara that we've met. Well yeah, she's dressed a little different from when we met her at Shimabara, but that's her face all right. Minus the powder and any other face painting."

"What?" Nagakura nearly fell over in shock. He stared at the ninja and received the same smile that the woman had given to Hijikata. Then his legs had given way and he fell with a thud sound. Harada could hear him mutter something, ("Women…") beside him.

"I'm sorry if what I said offended you. What I tried to say is, it's not safe for Chizuru-chan to be around the humans anymore. She would be better with us, the oni clan as you've stated, for the upcoming event. And I would like for that event to not ever happen." Sen tried to give explanation on what her intention was.

"What do you mean? What upcoming event do you want to prevent?" Kondou asked the princess.

"The conditions for Chizuru-chan to stay with you all are not favorable for her anymore. She has to leave with us immediately." said Sen seriously.

"There's no time for this talk. We must make preparation to leave as soon as possible." Kimigiku said in an urgent tone.

"You do trust me, don't you Chizuru-chan?" Sen turned her head to the silent Chizuru.

"I… Why should I go with you?" Chizuru said in her still distraught mind. She didn't understand the situation anymore. She felt confused and for some reason a cold feeling had been crawled inside her body little by little. She glanced to Hijikata. Just the thought of leaving the Shunsengumi, leaving him… She knew from where the cold feeling had come from. Indeed, she had had a thought of leaving Shinsengumi if Hijikata knew what had happened between them. But to leave from Shinsengumi for real…

"That's a damn good question! Don't think you can just barge in here, ask to see her and spring this is on us!" Nagakura that had come back from his shocked state shouted in annoyance.

"Before you tell us in detail and give us a proper explanation, I guess we will never release Chizuru-chan to go from the Shinsengumi. Do you think that this place is somewhere that you can come and go that easy?" Okita gave Sen and Kimigiku his merciless and cold stare, reserved only for the enemy of the Shinsengumi.

"Osen-chan… Please." Chizuru pleaded for Sen to enlighten her of why she had to leave… him.

Sen exchanged glance with Kimigiku, before she returned to her former position and gave a wry smile, "Well, I so suppose you do have a point. Very well. I will explain it to you in detail and properly." Sen looked to Okita when saying the last three words. The first captain looked back with the same gesture.

"You know Kazama Chikage? I hear you have crossed swords with him once or twice."

Hijikata furrowed his brows, "He had called his and his two companions as oni. I guessed that he and the other two are the same as you and Yukimura here. Oni."

"I would prefer not to be associated with his ilk, but yeah, in a sense you are correct. We are oni." Sen said in distasteful tones.

"He showed up at Ikedaya, Hamaguri and Nijo. He's got something to do with Satsuma and Chosu, doesn't he?" asked Harada.

"Well, most of the time it seemed more like he was there for his own reasons, not any kind of domain politics." added Okita.

"Either way, he's an enemy of the Shinsengumi." Hijikata's brows deepened when he realized something. "Is the upcoming event that you mentioned before related to him?"

"Are you aware that Kazama is also pursuing your lady friend here?" Sen gestured Chizuru with her hand.

"We are aware of that," said Kondou.

"They have demonstrated several times that they have strength and skill beyond any human. And if what you have stated before is true, that they are an oni, now we know where they get their power from." said Sannan. Sannan never fought against them, but from what he had heard, Kazama and his companions were a force to be reckoned with.

"Chizuru-chan is a pure blood oni. These days, there are few demons who can claim a pure bloodline. Kazama… is a pure blood oni too. His family is the biggest clan on the western side, and they have the support of the Satsuma Domain. He is the head of the family of the Kazama clan, Kazama Chikage."

"Don't tell me that because Yukimura-kun is the descendant of a pureblood oni and Kazama is also one of them…" Kondou trailed off his thought.

"His reason for chasing after Chizuru-chan is clear. Should two purebloods mate, they will produce an even more powerful demon."

"He wants her to be his bride."

The brows of Hijikata got even deeper if it was possible. He was scowling also.

"In a fashion, yes. You could say that. That's why Kazama will definitely return for her." Sen assessed the captain's reaction and one person caught her attention. "You have met and engaged a sword with him. But I will tell you this. He has been toying with you and was contented with it thus far. I guess it will not last much longer though.

"Should he devote all his formidable abilities to this task, I do not think you will be able to protect her. As a fellow oni I must admit that his power is really…. strong. The true power of a demon is not something you humans can stand against."

"Don't you think what you have said is going a bit far?" Harada gave Sen his glare, unhappy with the princess words. "You aren't giving us enough credit."

"It's up to you if you want to believe my word or not. But I never lied in anything that I have told you so far. You're alive because Kazama never used his full power toward you. This is not a suggestion, but a warning." Sen's stance never wavered against all the hostile glares the captains had thrown to her.

"Let him come then. I, for one, want to see the true power of a demon and have a taste of it myself." said Sannan confidently.

Chizuru whipped her head to the colonel with horror and dread, "Sannan-san!" The Rasetsu just gave a smile to her.

"For the warning, I guess we should say thank you for that. But let me be clear, lady." Hijikata gave the princess his cold and sharp stare. "We're the Shinsengumi. The Wolves of Mibu. We're not going to piss ourselves over a demon or two."

"That's right. Besides, we've got an oni himself in command, don't we, Hijikata-san?" Okita glanced at the oni-fukuchou with a teasing smile.

"You do always have to make the last word, don't you Souji," Hijikata said annoyed.

Even though Sen didn't show it, she was so frustrated with all the men she had met during these last several months. 'The Shinsengumi and that Kazama…. Why are all these men so bull headed and stubborn! Their pride… I really have had enough of all of that testosterone hormone! Can't they see that the important thing right now is Chizuru-chan?!'

Sen heaved a sigh. "I understand how you feel but… You must realize that these men are unlike any other foe you have faced before. That's why," she darted her stare to Chizuru, "I must ask you to leave Chizuru-chan to us. In our care her chances of survival and not being taken by Kazama will be much higher."

Then Nagakura, Harada and Okita said what was inside their mind to Sen for her last comment. They said their protest and told Sen to back off from the Shinsengumi business, frankly. They had made it quite clear that they weren't interested in Sen's offer. It seemed harsh, but Chizuru couldn't deny the warm feeling from their action.

"What about you, Hijikata-san?" Sen asked the person that had caught her attention when she assessed the captains' reaction. "From what I have heard, you have engaged in a sword fight with Kazama the most. Surely you must at least consider the offer. It's Chizuru-chan safety that has been stake in here. So please, give Chizuru-chan to us."

"This and that are different." Hijikata replied, stressing the last word. "I do acknowledge that the enemy strength is different from the others we've been fighting. But," here he spoke with a force and anyone that had known him would know that he meant every word with all that he had, "that doesn't change the fact that we'll protect her. In the name of Shinsengumi."

'I will protect her with everything that I have.'

His tone was final and left no room for argument. If this princess or that ninja dared to raise another argument, that only meant one thing. And he would welcome any fight that would come.

"I see. There is no way I can convince you then I suppose?" It was not a question to be answered.

Kondou that had remained silent for most of the discussion at last spoke, "Yukimura-kun. What do you have to say about this?"

"Me? Well… Um…" The sudden turn of events was too fast for her. She couldn't decide what she should do. If she thought with her logical mind, leaving the Shinsengumi was the right thing to do. She didn't want any of the Shinsengumi members be harmed because of her. That was what her mind told her, but it was opposite of what her feelings wanted her to do. It was… nearly impossible to leave the Shinsengumi, to leave him. She was confused.

"I see. It must be difficult to discuss with an audience. You ought to speak with Sen-hime alone."

"Kondou-san! That's-" Hijikata didn't expected Kondou would say that. He was surprised and his eyes widened to saucers. The other also raised a protest. Kondou cut off whatever protest the others wanted to say. "The person that has to leave is Yukimura-kun. She must decide on her own if she wants to stay or not. She has shown herself to be reasonable. I've no doubt she won't do anything foolish."

"Thank you Kondou-san." Chizuru gave her warmest smile to the chief, touched with his faith in her. The others might not like it, but in the end, they agreed. Kondou was the chief. What he said, went.

"If all of you worry that I will steal her away the moment we are both alone, you don't have to worry. I am indeed an oni. But I'm not like Kazama. I also have my pride and dignity of my own." Sen tried to reassure them, with her cheerful smile, which didn't convince the captains at all.

"I'll be fine. Osen-chan isn't a bad person." Chizuru also gave them reassurance. "Can I use my room to talk to her?" She asked Kondou for permission.

Kondou nodded his head. "Yes. You can talk in your room. We'll wait in here."

Sen and Chizuru excused themselves. Kimigiku followed behind Sen silently. Chizuru gave a last glance inside the common room and she met Hijikata's eyes briefly. She would decide what she would do after she talked to Sen. Whether she should leave or stay, to follow her rational mind or her longing feelings…

"Please excuse us, then."

To be continued

NOTE:  I take the conversation that happened inside the common room from the game. Not words by words, but most of the conversation I have taken it from the game. Also, I have put in my thought into the story. And as you know that in my story timeline, Chizuru and the Shinsengumi had already known that she's an oni. I have made some adjustment so the story will flow in the right way.

[sidespromptblog]

Skittles

(Requested by anon.) 

Apathy looked down at the grey colorless skittles in his dark shadowy hands that had once been resting on top of Logan’s desk, they were grey now and completely devoid of any flavor, any individuality that would have made them worth eating and enjoying. He’d let himself grow too curious about the individual pieces of candy that Logan had been snacking on while he worked, and once the logical side had left he had picked them up.

Now they were useless, now he had ruined them, just like he ruined anything that he came into contact with.

Why was he like this? Why out of every one of the sides was he the one that could ruin something with just a single touch? Why skittles? He had just wanted to see the rainbow-colored candies up close, and now..now they might as well be thrown in the trash they served that much of a purpose. Logan couldn’t get any enjoyment out of them anymore, the candy would be bland and tasteless. Just like him.

He was still holding the candies in the palm of his hands when he heard the footsteps thumping up the stairs, and as much as he tried not to feel panicked, a sense of fear washed over him as he looked side to side looking for a place to hide the incriminating evidence of his wrongdoings. The trash can was full of notes and graphs that Logan had thrown away, and he very well knew that the logical side wouldn’t appreciate it if he hid candy in his desk. As such a thing would invite ants over. It was foolish to feel afraid of something as dumb and moronic as this, and yet…

Where could he hide it? Where was he supposed to hide it? Where? Where? Where?

“Apathy?” The shadowy side in question felt his head snap up, his eyes locking onto the doorway as Logan stood there, another cup of coffee in hand as he quizzingly looked at the shadowy figure looming over his desk and holding...something in his hands. “What do you have in your hands?” The question was a joking one, as a tiny smile curled onto Logan’s lips as he stepped forward.

However, that smile soon wilted like a flower in the dead of winter as soon as Apathy put both of his hands behind his back, hiding whatever it was from his view. The shadow’s shoulders hunched as Logan set his cup of coffee down on his desk, he was hiding something alright, if it wasn’t already obvious enough as it was.

“Apathy,” Logan sighed, reaching his hand out in order to ask for whatever the other side was holding onto, but instead his worry only tripled as soon as Apathy jerked back from what the other assumed was a touch.

“No touch!” Apathy hissed, and Logan immediately drew his hand back as if he had been stung, they had come a long way since Apathy refused to be touched by anybody, regardless of whether he took the form of a shadowy figure, or if he was just a shadow on the wall. Or at least Logan had thought so.

“Hey hey, it’s alright. No touch, see?” Logan held his hands up taking a step away from Apathy as the shadow hunched over even more, whatever this was, it wasn’t some relapse. “Apep..what’s wrong? You know that you can talk to me right? I am here, just as you are here for me. I’m ready to listen whenever you want to talk, it’s alright.” He soothingly spoke, making a point of grabbing his chair and dragging it out so that he could sit down before the other side.

“I…” Apathy hastily nodded his head at Logan’s words, of course, the logical side was right, he was rarely ever wrong. And yet...he felt..no he didn’t feel. He seemed almost ashamed to show Logan the evidence of his freakish nature, he was wrong, and he didn’t know why Logan didn’t seem to understand that. He was freak, even when compared to the other’s abilities. “I ruined it…” He finally whispered, and Logan’s eyebrows crinkled in concern.

“Ruined what?” He gently asked, and after a moment longer of waiting Apathy finally drew his hands from behind his back, keeping them tightly closed until he had them directly in front of Logan. Opening them up, he revealed the pale grey skittles resting in his hands.

“I ruined it, and...and I don’t want to ruin you too. So you can’t touch me, because..because I ruin everything!” Apathy snarled the words to himself, as if to inflict a lasting damage to himself that he or Logan wouldn’t ever forget, and yet...Logan just stared knowingly down at the candies before he plucked one right out of Apathy’s palms.

Before the emotionless side could even think to stop him, Logan chewed it up and swallowed. It was tasteless, that was true, but it did carry an underlying sweetness with it too, something that still made it worthwhile despite not being able to taste the original flavor. It was still worth eating, and still worth keeping around.

“You will not ruin me Apep,” Logan sternly stated, before holding his hand out for Apathy to take, allowing him to make the choice of whether or not he felt comfortable. After a good moment of hesitation, Apathy slipped his fingers into Logan’s grasp allowing the prickle of his presence to race up Logan’s arm as the logical side gripped his fingers tight. “You will not ruin me, and you cannot ruin me Apathy. I am here for you up until the very day that you decide that you do not need me. You know why?” Apathy shook his head. “Because I love you that’s why.”

Had he a face, Apathy was certain that he would have done some form of blushing for Logan’s words, he would have made himself blush just for that confession.

“Thank you,” He murmured, before adding. “I don’t believe that I deserve that love...but thank you.” Logan’s lips formed into a serious pout, a very serious pout.

“Bullshit, if anyone tells you that you don’t deserve love. They don’t know their head from their ass, you deserve it Apathy. You deserve everything, including my love.” He stubbornly said, rising from his chair before he looped his arms around the shadowy form, giving him as tight of a hug as he could. Prickles race down his shoulder as Apathy rested his cheek on Logan’s shoulder.

“I...believe I love you too then.”

Tagged:

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[boomdeyadah]

TOS tag game wowe

@ashayamspirk was kind enough to tag me in a thing, so here we go;

1. Favorite TOS episode and why?

It has to be Journey to Babel. Close runners up are A City on the Edge of Forever and Amok Time, but Journey to Babel is my fav for many, many reasons. The most obvious being that we’re introduced to Sarek and Amanda. They are both vital pieces of world building for tons of aspects of tos, as well as incredibly important and fantastic characters in their own right. They tell us things about Vulcan culture and society, who Spock came from and his backstory, and showcase in their own right the struggles of being a biracial couple, of loving your family in different ways, of anger and forgiveness. In the episode we also get to see a bunch of other aliens (that reception scene is like early star trek’s version of the cantina scene), a peek into the democracy of the federation, McCoy is an absolute gem, Spock and Kirk are SUPER INTO each other and their ship. It’s got a bunch of what I love about Star Trek.

2.  Favorite character’s (theoretical) most cherished childhood memory?

This is a really abstract question. It’s tough to try and dream up things like this and pick a favorite... in lieu of thinking of something like a story, I’m going to think of sensations. And since I love all of the trium, let me do it like this.

For Spock, his cherished childhood memories are full of warmth. The heat of Vulcan, his mother’s embrace, the steady connection to his family through his bonds. He feels hot sand under his feet, and it’s soft and crystalline and compresses under him and he sinks his toes into it, just for the feeling. I-Chaya’s fur is soft, but it conceals firm muscle and withheld strength that would only be used to protect him. He hears whistling wind through craggy rock faces, and the quiet whoosh of hovercars and trains in ShiKahr, the white noise of a thousand quiet and logically efficient conversations. He smells warm, dry air, his father’s robes (incense, paper, his hygienic products), his mother baking cookies. 

Jim’s are more about the mood, I think, and vibrancy. His memories could be set anywhere, but his favorite ones would be when he brought grins onto everyone’s faces... and when he learned something new. It could be on a summer vacation, at a beach or water park, with bright yellow sun and cerulean waters, or in a vast green field, and everyone is hot and sweaty but they smile because there’s so much time to explore, so many things to see and Jim won’t rest until they’ve done everything they can and they’re bone tired and satisfied with the adventure. I bet he did the 23rd century version of boyscouts. He felt pride with each new merit badge. It could be in winter, and I hear Iowan winters are rough, and there’s stark white everywhere, and it’s freezing, but there’s no time to rest when you could be having a snowball fight, beating the pants off of someone at board games during a snowstorm, reading a book with hot cocoa. It’s quiet and warm in the kitchen, and he’s helping cook dinner. It’s 5 o’clock in the morning, and he’s helping with the cows. 

Bones... his childhood was quiet, I think. I feel like there’s a lot of similarity between his childhood and that of DeForest Kelley’s. Georgia, the church, community, family. Knowing everyone in town. Grieving with them and celebrating with them. He makes it clear that at least where he’s from, Southern hospitality and culture is thriving, and I love picturing him growing up in that. Going to cotillion, having to learn how to ballroom dance at 13, nerves in his throat because he’s holding someone’s hand or touching someone else’s waist for the first time and looking at someone he’s known his whole life in a different way and also trying not to step on any toes. Sitting under a tree somewhere or in a rocking chair on a porch with a frosty lemonade (it’s a recipe that’s been in his family for generations) and snacking on peaches. Making house calls with his dad. Going to the Fall Festival and the whole town is there and it smells like hay and pumpkin pie, it’s just starting to get nippy and jack-o-lanterns flicker in every windowsill. 

3. Going off the last one I was tagged in, what do YOU think happened between the end of their five year mission and Spock’s (failed) Kohlinar?

Wellllllllllll. I don’t know if I like to think that Spock and Kirk had a fight or if they just parted with shit unspoken. I think I like the fight, or at least that they parted and felt wronged by each other. Especially because of how Spock and Kirk are acting when they first see each other, and how the simple feeling scene feels like a forgiveness and a making up. It’s really hard to think of what happened. It seems like Jim wouldn’t have willingly taken the promotion, and Spock wouldn’t have willingly left Jim. A lot of people go the route of Spock not being able to take his feeling for his captain anymore and leaving, because he doesn’t want to force his unrequited love or because he can’t accept his feelings in himself or such and so, and Jim being heartbroken and allowing his wings to be clipped in the process. I think that makes sense, although it is pretty weak. I’m down for more exciting versions, as long as it doesn’t involve Jim doing something to break Spock’s heart that he fully knows would break Spock’s heart (like them being in a monogamous relationship and him cheating). 

=======>o

I guess I have to make questions now? Sorry, I’m not really up to date on a lot of things!

1. When you watch TOS, do you enjoy the camp and the plot holes, or do you wish they’d had a little more foresight? What parts of TOS’s 1960′s hokie-ness annoy you or bring you joy? 

2. Which TOS ‘moral lesson’ episode do you like the best and why?

3. Do you have a favorite way for Jim to loose his shirt, or a favorite profession Bones is not a part of, or a favorite sassy Spock comeback? I guess I’m asking which meme do you vibe with the most?

Anybody can answer these if they want! Sorry if I’m repeating any questions, I haven’t been keepin up. And I’m not very close with any trek bloggers (because im bad at being opinionated on the internet), so sorry if I bother you guys and you totally don’t have to do these q’s, but I guess I’ll tag people I look up to and have enjoyed trek stuff from/with before, so @greensarek @spodiddly @future-subjunctive @klmeri @tribbleclefs