#diagnose me with something i havent been diagnosed with yet.

[whateveriscatchy]

x

[nyx-is-missing]

Graceland too

Clarisse la rue x fem!reader (Athena's kid)

Sumarry: When a certain daughter of Athena felt unappreciated her whole life, someone was there to see her.

Warnings: Sad girl hours, shitty parenthood, hurt/comfort because im no monster and probably other things wich i forgot.

a/n: look who is back!

Demigod.

Half blood.

Half a goddess.

Half a human (?).

And yet, fully a disappointment.

When Athena sent me to my Dad's house, in a golden crib, dressed in pure white dress, glowing, how the myths would expect a demigod to be, then, and only right then i was a gift.

A piece o divine love, something to prove to him, till the end of his life, that at some point, he was good enough for a Goddess.

But days after, immediately, i was just a crying baby, hungry, with a busy father, without a mother, and that only made him remember that, that was it.

He wasnt good enough for her, she wasnt staying, she never even actually even considered, he would never have that kind of honour, only a crying baby he never expected.

I wasnt a gift anymore, it actually felt like i was a insult, everything about me started to enrage him.

And oh, how did he reminded me of that every single day of my existence.

When i got diagnosed with dyslexia all i've heard whas that Athena gave me up to him because i was defective, when i couldnt sit still during classes, and exploded with all the repression i suffered everyday, suddently i was a clock bomb, when my grades where great, i was never rewarded, it was "the least i could do, to make up for the shame that i was".

I was never loved, never wanted, never encouraged, at least not by him.

The very little love i've known in my life, i own to the people who felt pitty of me.

The teachers, the neighbours who have heard the insults, the stray animals who could sense sadness, the very old grandparents who never actually saw me more than twice a year, and the people who worked at a nerby library, who let me stay past closing time, leaving only with the cleaners.

I was 12 when he had enough and sent me to camp, literally the very day school was over.

I came home to my clothes packed and him waiting by the car keys.

Being in camp for the first time, was also the very first time in my life i have ever felt....normal.

Not good, not bad, not great, not terrible, i was one, and that was enough.

I spend that summer being quiet, i sat in the corner, i didnt spoke, i didnt interrupted, i didnt had any ideas, i wasnt good enough to do that, thats what i've been told my whole life, thats my true.

It took a whole new summer for Athena to claim me.

I have always wondered if she was fighting with herself, if she had any problems having to admit that she made a mistake, with me, or with him.

It didn't matter, for the first time i had brothers and sisters, who wanted me, who understood when i wasnt the best, who asked for my graded tests, to put up in the wall.

They understood when i was hard to crack, when i insisted in being quiet, when i wouldnt share my ideas, they understood it all.

I didn't.

Each and every new summer i spent there, all i could ask myself was:

Why could i not be great like all of them?

Why im still afraid?

Why i was still useless?

Im now sixteen and the same questions still were unanswered.

And today i felt worse than ever.

It was my birthday, and i havent got a single letter from him, nothing, nothing.

It felt like he was saying i wasnt worth anything again.

Earlier, i tried to pretend nothing was happening, smiling with my siblings, finally making plans for capture the flag, finally belonging like i promissed i would try to do that year.

My plan was used, it wasnt perfect, but it was used, and surprising myself and the other team, we won.

I could see the other team confused, and Clarisse cussing us to death.

Still i was so happy, for the first time in my life i showed myself, and i worked....partially.

The happiness of victory didnt last much in me, because i saw a new brother of mine almost bursting to tears, he was young and just got claimed a few days ago, he wasnt used to that, and he wasnt supose to get hurt, but the red that painted his arms said otherwise.

I couldnt stare at him without feeling like i failed again.

Why couldnt i be perfect for once?

I took him to infirmary and held his hand while he was getting his stiches, saying sorry all the time.

I tried thinking it was okay, people get hurt, move on.

I had diner, i took a bath, i tried to sleep, i couldnt.

The tears were falling down and i knew i wouldn't be quiet.

So i got up and walked to the cabin's porch, sitting on the last step and letting my head fall to my knees.

Why couldnt i be great?

Why couldnt i be in peace with myself?

Why couldnt my mom bless me?

Why couldnt my dad love me?

Why did he had to be so mean?

I was a kid for fucks sake.

"Are you okay?" I heard someone saying, that made me freeze, that voice was not from any of my sisters, was i crying so hard i woke up someone from other cabin?

"I- yes, sorry i didn't knew i was crying so hard to wake people from other cabins, im sorry"

"You didn't, i was sneaking out to train some more, and saw you, our cabins face each other"

That was...Clarisse?

I wiped my tears and look up, she was staring at me with a almost worried look

"Clarisse?"

"Yes, why are you crying?"

She sat down by my side, dropping a sword in the grass.

"Its nothing really, im fine, you dont need to bothe-"

"No, cut the crap" she stopped me mid sentence "no one ever weeps in the middle of the night out of happiness, you are not fine and im not letting you lie OR leave until you tell me what it is"

We stare at each other, and ill need to thank the night light being bad because i probably look like crap right now, im sure my eyes are red, my nose too, im probably with a very swollen face and id bet all the dracmas i own that my hair its no better than a nest of birds.

"Go on...tell me"

I layed myself in the stairs, looking at the sky, trying to think of a way to tell everything, without sounding crazy

"I dont deserve to be here, Clarisse."

"Here..where?"

"This cabin, i dont deserve to be called daughter of the goddess of wisdom, i dont deserve being here with them, my siblings they are great, more than good, great, they will do great things with themselfs, amazing writers, architects, brilliant musicians, historians, why am i here? Im not even good, why im with the great?"

"Wait wait wait" she made me sit down again and look at her "not even good? What are you talking about? Wasnt the strategy in the last capture the flag yours? Yall won, and if somebody asks me later i've never said this but that was good, some really good strategy, i was almost thinking of asking chiron to switch you teams, you were great, more than that, and now you're here telling me you are not egen good? Are you on drugs?"

"Clarisse you dont need to pretend you care that much, and my plan wasnt all that, my brother got hurt, that wasnt supose to happen, i failed him, if i was good enough he wouldnt even be there"

She had a very confused look on her face, like she really did not knew what i was talking about.

"You're not talking about the little boy you took to the infirmary and that small cut in his forearm are you? Cause that boy was far from almost dying like you are making it sound like-" she looked at my eyes, i didnt needed a mirror to have sure how i was, i've seen myself like that too much to count, everytime my dad said i wasnt good enough, sad, lifeless.

"I failed again Clarisse, im not good enough to be here, im useless, worthless"

She looked at me and did the last thing i tought she would, Clarisse hugged me.

"Dont say that, c'mon, worthless? I've seen you fight, i've seen your plans, you dont talk much but i've heard your ideas, you are far from being useless or worthless, who the fuck told you that?"

"My f- you heard me?" I looked at her, only to see a look i couldnt distinguish "what do you mean?"

She looked at her own feet, then at her sword, reflecting the moonlight.

"You really dont know?" She looks at me "i- well, i've heard you, the same way i see you everyday, thats how i know you like morning walks, sweet green grapes, baked goods...how i know you are probably the only child of Athena who has never read "the art of war", that you walk without looking at peoples faces....its weird, i've seen you so much throughout this years and it feels like this is the first time you are actually seeing me"

"But i've saw you before-"

"Thats not what i was saying, you looked at me many times, but did you ever saw me until today?"

I looked at her blinking, and after a moment of silent i said "you like dark chocolate, and lemon flavoured soda, and sneaking out to train when the harpies take their breaks, by the way you missed that, and you always ask for double the quantity of food you eat, so when you burn it you still can eat enough, by the way i stole that idea-"

She is smilling, big, really big, i think i am too.

Of course i saw Clarisse, who wouldnt, she was strong, brave, beautiful, to me was a wonder she didnt had people running to get her attention.

She got closer to me "does that mean i can-" i stopped her mid sentence again

"Maybe..."

"Im going to make you forget that "im not good enough" nonsense, belive me"

She is smilling while kissing me, and i am too.

[etherealspacejelly]

ok really hoping someone can help me out with this because its a bit weird. first of all, important data:

ok heres the deal. for most of my life, every time i have walked or stood up for more than 20-30 minutes, my feet hurt. not uncomfortable, PAINFUL. like pressing on a bruise painful. if i walk/stand for more than 3-4 hours its a SHARP pain like blisters, except there are no blisters and none form later (unless my shoes were rubbing or something, which if im wearing my usual trainers they dont)

I always thought this was normal and that everyone just grits their teeth through pain to do fun stuff like go to a zoo or a museum or a theme park. but i told my dad about it recently after a day out and he was like "what the fuck go to a doctor thats not normal my feet only feel uncomfortable right now they dont Hurt"

so i want to know how common this is. does anyone else get this? and what might be causing it?

information that may or may not be significant, just including it in case any of it is relevant to a condition i havent heard of:

i am diagnosed with adhd and working on an autism diagnosis

i am hypermobile (not diagnosed yet but. my neck and arms definitely hyper extend, and ive been able to touch the floor without bending my knees my whole life without stretching regularly, so i know i am)

my hands swell up in extreme temperatures. expecially if im exercising at the same time. i used to have to get other people to do up my shirt buttons after PE in school because i couldnt bend my fingers enough to do them myself

i bruise very easily. my brother likes to poke and prod me to get on my nerves and if he pokes just a little too hard, i bruise. also scratching my leg through my trousers causes me to bruise

i get friction pains on my hands if im doing something like carrying a heavy bag with a cloth handle or opening a tight jar

i have very dry skin and suffered from excema as a child/teenager

i have been looking into EDS and i think i might have hEDS, so idk if any of this is related to that. my dad also thought the foot pain might be an autism sensory issues thing?

if anyone can relate to any of this please tell me about your experiences and what causes it because that would be super helpful

thank you

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for letting my job think my disability is only/mostly physical?

🩺🩻💼

i am currently on ssi/ssdi for mental illnesses i have (namely severe depression, though i have other diagnosed/medically recognized issues that contribute), and i have many other physical issues that have not been diagnosed (im hypermobile and suspect i may have POTS). my job knows im on disability, but i havent told them what im on it for.

i started working there as a seasonal worker in december and decided to stay on because they assured me that they could accommodate me in terms of disability. i work three 4hr shifts a week on the same days every week.

recently i have been rapidly approaching burnout. when i get burnt out, im unable to take care of myself and the space i live in. i also have a history of ending up in psych hospitals because of overworking myself. i emailed my manager and told them that because of my disability i will need to cut back to two shifts a week. i mentioned this was something my social worker and i agreed on. they have yet to give me a response.

im honestly expecting the worst because of how shitty jobs are about recognizing mental health as a valid reason to be disabled, however they also know of my physical issues as well. ive told them about my rapid heart rate and bad joints, and theyve been accommodating enough.

my physical issues suck, but are not nearly as disabling as my mental issues. i dont want to minimize or piggyback off of other physically disabled peoples problems when im not nearly as affected by them.

WIBTA if i conveniently left out the fact that my disability was related to mental health and played up the physical issues to hopefully get my week cut down?

What are these acronyms?

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I wish that autism wasn't so heavily looked down upon/ignored/disrespected when I was growing up.

I was a "devil child", "handful", "problem".

When in reality if even minute changes were made in my environment and how my own family interacted with me, I would have flourished so much more.

I heavily stimmed using music. The repetitive beats and heavy bass was my thing. So when my mom wanted to punish me for something, one of the first things she'd do was take away my ipod/mp3 whatever I had. WORST thing was when she ONLY took my (very specific) headphones.

To her, it was taking away something fun. A luxury item. A toy basically.

But to me, it was taking away a very heavily ingrained stim that I NEEDED to do, and could not do without very specific criteria (specific headphones and a specific playlist/style of music)

So of course I would become horribly disregulated. Which I'd then have to attempt to mask/or recluse to avoid her so she wouldn't see how bad it unraveled me.

Because to her, being disregulated/unraveled was "acting up", "catching an attitude", "being disrespectful/rude".

Gods. Looking back I truly hate how she did me wrong in that way. Not just my stim but EVERYTHING. All my needs were either dismissed or half-met.

She is one of those people who thinks sure adhd/autism exists but not in HER family. Not in HER children. She even tried to blame it on the father of her children and it couldn't possibly have had anything to do with her.

..... we not only ALL have different fathers, but after observing both memories of her and her now, she is ALSO autistic and in total denial.

I definitely still harbor resentment because of that. She had me "evaluated". Once. At a time where they still heavily leaned on the male criteria for adhd, and autism wasnt really addressed/acknowledged unless it was severely debilitating. But also, by the time she had me evaluated, I'd already spent a few years (unknowingly) masking due to peers and family creating that need. So the conclusion was "there MIGHT be something divergent about her but we couldnt say for sure at this time" and she took that as "nope she's good, just a problem child. Carryon." Never again to be addressed.

She barely acknowledged that one of my brothers (previously a sister) was diagnosed adhd.

She only acknowledged another brother's adhd&autism diagnosis because the school he went to was very accommodating and insisted that he be evaluated and guess what.

Once he was diagnosed, and they rearranged his class schedules to fit his needs, he did a 180 and graduated top of his class. THRIVED. I both LOVE that he got that and HATE that I never did. I barely got through school.

It wasn't for lack of love of learning. I just, learned different, but was ALSO heavily overloaded with how crammed my courses were. I always wonder if I'd gotten the same accommodations, would I have thrived? Would school have been a drastically different/positive experience/memory for me? I'll never know. Because my mother was so against the idea that anything was divergent about me and absolutely mentally stuffed me into her little idea of an ideal neurotypical child that I never had a chance...

Now that I know I'm also AuDHD, like most of my siblings and even an aunt, I feel validated. I had seen vlogs and blogs about people more and more coming out about how they handle life and their coping skills and hacks theyve learned and after starting to apply those to myself... gods I've improved so much.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. But now knowing what issues are and how to cope and get around things, I'm a lot better off.

This is only ONE reason of several why my relationship with my mother has gone sour. What's sad is she doesn't really realize it yet? I havent been able to compose myself enough to have THE CHAT.

About how she hurt me a lot. Intentional or not. (Like not knowing taking away my music was taking away a stim) I don't know how to have this chat. Tbh I thought about writing a longass letter. Because in the past whenever she's been confronted about anything she's done wrong, she spirals into defense mode and wont even entertain the conversation beyond that point and you get... nowhere.

So maybe in person the bulk of the talk wont happen. I feel like. I need to hand her a letter. Have her read it. And maybe have a succinct chat before parting ways.

Because I wanted to be close to her for so long, that I either didn't realize or knowingly ignored her problem behaviors and looking back... she just... gods that's a whole other post for the future....

If you've read this far thank you. If you've had similar familial experiences, lmk (if you're comfy)

I just....... *sigh*.... yep.

[inky-goddess]

I dont wanna call myself a system, because my nurse practitioner told me im not (I brought my headmates up with my therapist, she said she isnt sure if it's anything yet and that if I think it's anything I should tell her) and i havent been diagnosed with anything but I do have headmates and I just kinda wanna talk about them because ive been holding back on talking about them because i feel like people will fake claim me since im not diagnosed- but Damien will not shut up about how stupid my fear of being fake claimed is so im gonna just introduce the headmates and get it over with and just hope it doesnt seem like im faking it (because i am so scared i am just faking it and seeing people get fake claimed makes me more scared that maybe I am just faking it)

ANYWAYS-

Ramona goes by they/them pronouns, is a feral homestuck, is an age regressor -regresses to ages 5-8, completely sfw age regression just like mine...if i even have talked about my regression on this blog, and their big age is 17, gay, Goatkin therian

Mindy goes by it/its and meow/meow's/meowself pronouns, is a catkin therian, if it isnt the one doing something stupid meow will hold someone else back from being stupid ("If I can't be stupid no one can" -something Mindy actually said), 16 years old, usually asleep, weirdcore bitch (affectionate), pan

Elaine goes by fae/faen pronouns, is a clown (affectionate), is actually one of the only responsible ones (Kaz being the other responsible one), 18 years old, lesbian

Damien goes by he/it pronouns, annoying as fuck we're like brothers but like- brothers in the same mind if that makes sense...we fight like siblings is what im trying to say, very immature, 19 years old, Bi

Moth goes by they/it pronouns, usually off reading some book about cryptids, a chaotic little shit, cryptidkin otherkin, 19 years old, Ace, runs @cryptid-watch-parks with me and Damien (I'm Mod Amaranth, Moth is Mod Moth (Obviously), and Damien is Mod Pico)

Kaz goes by he/they pronouns and kit/kit's/kitself pronouns, they are usually the one to act as mine and Ramona's caregiver when we're regressed, the other most responsible one, 18 years old, aroace

and then theres me, Sammiee/Crow/Raine whatever you wanna call me I go by many names. I go by it/they/he pronouns. You guys know me by now.

that's all my headmates...im still so scared to post this but Damien will not shut the fuck up about it.

anyways this will be my pinned for now while I work on prettying up my caard to have my side blogs and stuff so my new pinned wont be long as shit

since this will be my pinned: Basic DNI criteria. No anti-palestine people. No anti-otherkin or anti-therian people. No Dream stans/defenders. (if you like/liked the smp thats fine, just not the creator himself)

[dayz-ina-daze]

hey op your post about aita phone bill. i apologise if this is forward, please understand i am reaching out out of concern and not to upset you or be disrespectful at all. 🙏

your descriptions about your parents worry me as it sounds like they are engaging in abusive behaviour. i have chronic migraine and my parent did the same actions as your parent (dependent on them, feeling 'in debt' to parent for all the help they gave me ("i pay for all this, and i'm sick too"), guilted for spending maybe $30 on myself, etc) and it was only as i got older (23, 24) that i realised there was abuse.

but i also acknowledge our illnesses are different and that you are in a situation where you cannot yet be on your own and so have to 'make do'. please continue talking with your therapist because they may help come up with strategies to deal with some of the abuse-like behaviour that seems to be happening. once you have your chair, i strongly suggest you continue saving in case of emergency (in case you have to rush to move out or similar), i really hope things improve for you.

there are 'work from home' jobs online that you can do from a laptop/computer such as data entry or transcripting where you wont need to stand. if you havent already, i also suggest reaching out to others with pots who could provide help, tips, advice, and support and understanding of what you are going through. there are tumblr users with pots who trained their dog to alert them before an episode (so they dont faint/sit down before the episode), maybe there is a pots crowd fund to help you get your chair? is there somewhere we could donate to help you??

remember: do not let them guilt you into thinking you are broken or costing them 'their time, money, effort, life' etc... they are parents, they should be rising above that. it is not your fault illnesses cost money to treat, that disability is not often considered by others in the world - it is NOT your fault you are unwell 💖

I’m aware that I’m being abused… I’ve come to terms with it. It’s hard even accepting that, of course, because I love my parents, and most days they’re wonderful people… But I’ve had to learn that even if they’re good people, they aren’t good parents in the slightest, and I have to differentiate between the two. Perhaps even that isn’t true, but it’s just what I tell myself in the hopes that someday they’ll see all the damage they’ve done and feel remorse and regret.

Also as a byproduct of how I was raised, I physically can’t accept “handouts” — even if I know it’s for my own betterment. I want to work for what I earn, so I can never be accused of being lazy or a leech like my parents so often imply. My parents have a dog that’s already trained to be something of a diabetic alert dog, although unofficially, and he often alerts to me at times as well, though for different reasons related to my POTS (I’m hypoglycemic as well, plus fistfuls of other diagnoses). I’m still saving up, though what I have isn’t much. I have some support in place, and I’ve been trying to integrate myself into more POTS support systems (I lost almost an entire year of my life just to recovering from when it initially hit me, so I admit I’m a bit slow to the uptake), I’m reaching out to doctors and therapists and anyone who can help…

For now I just. Have to wait.

If you’re able to offer me even a penny, I’ve got KoFi and other money apps to that regard, and in return, I’m happy to provide sketches or full on art pieces of whatever you’d like!! Though I understand if some are hesitant to take those routes. My friends are coaxing me to the idea of starting a GoFundMe, but it feels like a “cheap” way out, and that I’m not able to pay back such kindness, so I’m hesitant. Like I said: I want to work for what I get, in any way I can.

And truly, thank you for this… It’s nice to hear I’m not crazy for thinking the way I’m treated is wrong. This didn’t upset me, but it surely made me cry just knowing that some strangers on the internet are so kind. Thank you, sincerely. <3

[itsays]

oversharing below

so i have yet to receive my official diagnosis but i've decided i dont care anymore. when i got my initial diagnosis at 16 i realized something. i already knew that so it made no difference to me to hear a doctor saying it. i was just like well duh. i know people are against self diagnosis or whatever (cough do you hate poor people be honest cough) but i feel like she's kinda been good to me idk what to tell you. anyways. we've been discussing lots of new things in therapy since the year started and the doctor says he thinks i might be in the spectrum! which is so funny because it's not something that ever occurred to me. but of course ive been reading about autism in women (not nearly as much as i would like, mostly because it has been so difficult for me for some reason, compared to other diagnoses i've received) but it's been six months since we've started this stage and honestly what else is there really? that's it i feel like we've finally figured it out bro. autistic woman, obviously another victim of medical misogyny of course, thanks for that btw let's add that to the list of traumas. AND GUESS WHAT. did you know a lot of autistic people struggle with food? i have been reading into this as well and i've been laughing reading these articles. i am the text book definition of this arfid thing that's CRAZY. i could've figured this out by myself by age 15 if someone had simply given me a book to read about but remember everyone, women cant be autistic and also anorexia and bulimia are the only eating disorders to ever exist btw. so thanks for that. medical neglect for the win SLAY. thanks for that really.

now do i feel like these revelations help? well im mostly just angry and not really sure how knowing finding this out 27 years too late is really going to fix me. but i am thankful i know understand what went wrong so thanks for that i suppose.

so yeah anyways. not officially diagnosed we're just investigating or whatever and my doctor can analyze all he wants but i feel this is the only logical conclusion at this point.

so where do we go from here? i dont know! but i felt the need to write this as i havent mentioned this to anyone and whenever my doctor speaks about the diagnosis thing i just nod instead of being like "well i think the answer's obvious lol"

very wild way to start off the year but we're here

[leafcabbage]

If you want to talk more about clingy duo and how they love each other,,, im very much willing to listen,,,, (also if you want to talk about drdi phil im also very interested, was looking at that recent drdi phil post like 👀)

im always happy to talk about BOTH and am preemptively putting a keep reading because i feel this may get long....

drdi clingyduo makes me more insane than i already am. and baybee im diagnosed. anyway... oh man what to say about them. i think one of the things that really gets me about them is that they were separated for like 4(? idk my own fic) years and when they were finally reunited and living together again they both decided they should just like.,.. pretend none of that happened and so they never got around to talking about the time they spent apart? like they straight up dont know things about each other from that time because theyve been pretending it doesn't exist. the healthiest way to handle things, really. tubbo was literally getting frantic payphone calls from tommy who was like actively in crisis and then he comes home and cries so hard about it he throws up and then theyre like "Awesome well tahts Over so we never have to talk about it yippee!!" (until sssd of course but thats only the start.)

like MAN they love each other so much but also neither of them entirely know how to go about things productively and healthily and they both feel like it should be enough that they are together again... and its NOT because they have to actually talk about things!!! makes me crazy.

as for drdi phil. man theres a lot there i havent figured out but i do know that he had his own rough shit in his childhood and he saw techno and went "i can like. do something here. i can help." and then he did. and he did a little blackmailing and maybe some insurance fraud to get the job done, but he did it. also he didn't mean to end up with wilbur in his care. that wasnt on purpose he wasnt ready to to any of that but he kind of stumbled into it due to circumstances. like my man is not foster care certified or anything. im gonna avoid saying more on that until im certain im not contradicting facts i laid out in past chapters, but also if wilbur said something out loud, he might have been lying at any given moment.

anyway all that to say. phil is like... really good at seeming like he has everything figured out when in reality hes constantly pretty sure hes two seconds from like spontaneously combusting. also hes a gamer btw. thats how he knows sneeg they are internet friends. i havent given enough weight to internet friends yet in this story so i will say that now. phil goes through a crazy day of teaching at a university he barely feels qualified to work at and comes home to a house he got for extra cheap rent because a guy died there and has dinner usually with his kid who he never planned to end up with and then puts on some headphones and plays fucking halo or something for five hours before going to bed and repeating it all the next day. what a hero

[jet-bradley]

does anyone else with rare (like genuinely rare, not what neurotypicals think is rare) disorders/neurodivergencies ever feel like just by nature of being neurodivergent in ways that are similar to a lot more common things, that people are really prone to thinking you have their disorder?

like, i love all my ADHD friends, and i definitely relate more to them than NT friends, but i feel like a lot of the time they'll forget that i don't have ADHD. this one might be partially because i'm open about having a learning disability, which [rare disorder] is classified as. but ADHD isn't the only learning disability! an IRL with ADHD assumed i'd lack caffeine sensitivity the other day, but... i definitely don't! that's one of many things associated with ADHD that i don't have!

the same goes for autism. i have a lot of autistic friends by nature of "being an engineer" and "being a tron fan." and within the engineering world (which is way more NT than stereotypes would have you believe), i definitely find myself hanging out more with autistic colleagues than allistic ones. and i've had them (IRLs as well as online friends but largely in this case IRLs) address me as autistic just because they assumed i was based off how i act. but i'm very much not autistic, i just have a lot of symptoms that also show up in autism. hell one of my autistic IRLs will give me game recs based on her own autism because despite being one of the IRLs ive discussed this feeling with, she just assumes we'll have the same cognitive processing difficulties because we're similar in so many other ways. when like... there's no evidence to support that at all!

and please don't reply to this post like "have you considered that you havent cracked your AuDHD egg yet?" - that isn't what's happening. i'm professionally diagnosed with [disorder i'm not naming here] and it describes nearly every symptom/trait/etc that causes me to fit in with these groups of people. meanwhile i have done research into ADHD and autism and definitely don't fit the diagnostic criteria for either.

it's something ive been thinking about a lot because i'm trying to be better about overstepping boundaries related to the mental stuff that i do and don't have going on, but it's hard when like, everyone i talk to is trying to diagnose me with whatever they have. but it's also hard to have the "stop assuming diagnoses about people" conversation when a lot of the time that feels like a very negatively charged statement. i dont have any problems with ADHD and autistic people and i really value their presence in my life and like, there's reasons i gravitate more to them than NT peers especially in irl settings, but that doesn't mean we have the same stuff going on!

[neuroticboyfriend]

hey lol i’m searching addisons disease everywhere i can find and your blog popped up so. i’m not diagnosed yet but i’ve been in hospital a couple days and we’re pretty much confirmed for it. i just wanted to ask like. how do you deal with this shit like i’m going to have to take a bunch on medication the rest of my life, learn to do injections even though i pass out when i see a needle. does it get better? like i know i’ll feel better when i’ve started treatment and not in as much pain but i’m so scared.

i don't have addisons, but i've been on medication for going on a decade. and honestly, as long as your medication works and side effects (if any) are mild... it's not bad. like finding the right medication can be a hassle, keeping access to it can be a hassle. it's daunting - but it's possible to get a sense of stability out of the experience. taking my meds themselves feels no different than drinking water.

i also used to be deathly afraid of needles. for me, it wasnt the pain; i hate the feeling of something going through my flesh. it's nauseating. but with subcutaneous injections, i barely felt it. within a couple injections, i could do it myself. even if you cant get subcutaneous injections, the aversion to needles is something that can be worked on, or potentially accomodated for.

this is all to say... it does get better, yeah. it's so overwhelming just to experience chronic illness itself, and addressing your medical needs on top of that is hard. but we adjust, even if it takes time. we shed that idealized version of ourselves that doesn't need all this help, and it allows us to give patience and compassion to who we really are. accepting what we cant change and changing what we can - that kinda thing.

this does remind me though, I've been so burnt out with life, i havent been taking the steps i can take to feel better. i should get on that... so. thank you for sending this ask; it's helped me, and i hope I've helped you. if the system gives you shit, stay strong. know you aren't alone, and you're worth more than whatever bullshit anyone throws your way. you have a right to medical care. no one can take that right from you.

[dausy]

Between my dog and my FiL I'm a little nervous Nancy.

My FiL keeps trying to stroke out (literally) and my dog had me take her into the vet today. I need people to behave. I have non-refundable tickets.

Edie gave me a bit of a scare though. She's had an occasional cough since we moved here and its always sounded more like she was trying to cough up something stuck in her mouth rather than a cough. Which makes since because my backyard was so full of stickers. In particular there are this fuzzy ones that get stuck in your clothes. She has a favorite ball that is just riddled with them and I bet they're getting stuck in her throat. This city just sucks for dogs. But I saw a video about the dog respiratory virus thats going around and they were like "heres what a dog cough can look like" and its that same stuck-in-throat noise my dog makes. Now she had kennel cough as a puppy and those coughs were like human coughs. Obviously from the lung type coughs. But I'm not diagnosing my dog with a resp. virus. Again, she's had this cough since we moved into this house and it notably happens when we go outside and play. She's fine otherwise. But I don't want to take her to the boarding facility and the people there be like "YOUR DOG HAS A COUUUUGH!"

however, the primary reason we went to the vet was because over the weekend I went to lift her up onto the couch and got nasty peepee on my hand. Now even though we havent been to the groomers in a while, me getting peepee on my hand is abnormal. She normally has clean butt fluff. It happened a second time and then a third time I went to wipe her after one potty break and it just was not a normal pee consistency. So now I'm afraid she has a UTI. Luckily today at work was a half day and I announced I was leaving to try and take my dog to a walk in clinic.

We have yet to find a PCP veterinarian since living here and the last vet I took her to in October, I didnt care for them. Theres one clinic nearish my house that only does walk ins (its not an ER) so we went to it because I, again, dont want to take her to the boarding facility with an active infection and I don't have time to make an appointment. I actually really liked the vet I met there. It was a nice facility too.

but they went to go get a urine specimen and pulled me back to their back area and grabbed an ultrasound and told me they found something suspicious in her bladder. They said they were concerned because they weren't sure what it was. It didn't look like stones but they said it was weird. Ended up doing Xrays (now I wanna especially because I mentioned this cough) to make sure theres no apparent tumors anywhere. The xray didn't show anything. Maybe she has some sediment or sludge in her bladder. We're going to start her on antibiotics and treat it like a UTI which I'm supposed to pick up tomorrow (somehow) and follow up in a couple weeks to see if we have any results.

Like..girl..no..stop..My husbands going to wake up to that credit card bill like "what happen?" especially because the boarding facility already took out a deposit. Dogs are expensive, don't get dogs.

[eddiiiieeee]

currently me and my ex (lets call him Eddie cuz i dunno what else to name him) that i mentioned are friends. but ive recently started dating this great guy (lets call him Saul (he's a big rock fan and adores Slash like me so) yk) anyway, Eddie disappeared for a good week claiming he was busy studying for his IELTs and sleeping during our half term break from school, on a thursday i told him about this guy ive been talking to (Saul). and he asks how old he is and i tell him oh 17-18 and he freaks out saying thats a large age gap (literally not cuz im the same age) so he ends up dipping again once i change the convo and when we get back to school on monday he replies and hes being sort of weird and his texts seem aggressive and i told my friends and my music teacher (my music teachers like my school dad) and they all thought he was jealous because of it and i just felt so angry because i know for a fact i didnt give Eddie my everything, my feelings, myself, my soul, just for the second i even decide to move on and like someone else, he gets jealous, so i decided to wait for him to talk to me, he never did, not even in school he completely avoided me and pretended to not hear me and his excuse was hes been diagnosed with diabeties on top of his already diagnosed but not medicate for, BPD. and then my mom caught me sending my boyfriend, Saul, like semi nudes (like yk swimsuit type pics). and she found out about me and Eddie because she didnt know and so i had my friends log into my instagram account to monitor it for me cuz my mom had access to my phone and all my accounts and my laptop. she ended up ripping all my posters off my door, taking my guitars, pictures that were hung in my room and my record player. shes also before found out about my scars and smashed all my vinyls. so me and her are good now, we're mending our relationship but the only way ive been talking to Eddie is through email and ive been talking to Saul through a secret snap account because she blocked him everywhere and will open my phone sometimes to go through it. basically ive been stripped of everything, saul understood full heartedly when i told him i wont be sending anymore pictures. and it just made me breakdown, because he told me that it didnt matter to him because as long as he gets to talk to me, and hear my voice and see those small snaps i send him everyday then it doesnt matter to him. like he told me he loves me a few days ago. and yet when Eddie said it, he told me he meant it in a 'ur cool' way. like who the fuck does that! anyway todays my grandpas one year, today marks the day my grandpa died and i emotionally shut down. everytime i saw that ive broken down, it just means i freeze up and stop talking, last time i felt something that deep to cry again since my grandpa was when Eddie broke up with me. and its like what the fuck. there is a shit ton i havent mentioned here yet, but theyre very main key points to the eddie story im writing and so i wont mention them rn, but also a little reminder, the titles of the chapters are actually songs you should listen to while reading the chapter

[thueenz]

Have you "come out" with your identity to your parents/friends? How did you do it? Completely ok if you don't wanna answer or give too many details. Hope ur safe and happy

hi! i don't mind answering at all ! ! im gonna put this under read more for the sake of not throwing a wall of text on peoples dashes

i have come out to my parents, and as for friends, ive only ever had to come out to one because the rest are lgbt in some way LMAO 😭 i dont know anyone close to where i live so thats a bit of a cheatcode. in an evil way because the con is i dont know anyone near me wouldnt recommend to be fair BUT !

it was like, years ago now, so the details are a bit foggy, but i literally just sat them down while shaking in my boots and told them , said i had something i wanted to tell them all and came out, it wasnt too complicated for me since my family is like...well, theyre not hateful, i'm not going to call them allies considering the first thing they told me was that they found my identity too hard to grasp 💀

i eventually confronted them on that and it didnt do much either, they use the proper pronoun more often in front of my friends but never really when im alone and they have a bunch of other issues with that stuff, theyre like, the type that think theyre progressive but arent lol. I.e i used he/him for a friend for months and they did too but they heard the friend is trans and immediately stumbled using she/her constantly and were like oh well im not used to it 🥺🥺 girl wtf youve been using he/him for months!! so stuff like that yk?

as for the One Cishet Friend I Met On A Game, i also just sort of did the same thing? he was a lot more accepting though, very sweet, he was googling what pronoun to use in his native language for me so that was a lot more touching after my last experience 😭

it's a bit annoying but i dont really put much mind to it! i dont really care what my family thinks anymore on that even if its bothersome, ive got a lot bigger fish to fry with my family LMAO and boy are they frying... theyre positively cooking

i hope that answers sorry i don't have many details i have poor memory also it just wasn't very eventful aside from me being very anxious each time

HOWEVER this gives me the chance to share my favourite story to share with people because its so stupid. OK SO! about a year before i came out? idk, my mom literally asked if i was gay 😭😭 and i was closeted so i was like shaking in my boots and i was like no why.. and she said because i never had a crush on a fictional male character, like my sister liked shrek as a kid so she "knew.." she was straight it LINGERS IN MY MIND ITS SO FUNNY LMAO like please diagnosed as gay by your mother because you didnt get a crush on shrek. DIAGNOSED AS STRAIGHT BECAUSE YOU DID GET A CRUSH ON SHREK ?? I literally like men too though so she was right but also not but also what the hell LMAO

i hope youre safe and happy too! ♥️♥️tyvm for being sweet feel free to send any more asks if i didnt cover something! i havent eaten breakfast yet so im a bit scattered im gonna do that 🫡

anyone whos read this far gets a gold star 🌟

[nogchompa]

Hm idk how 2 put it unto words but theres smth abt everyone in usa needing 2 b diagnosed medically w something, capitalism generally just grinding down n making everyone feel bad n crazy, leftist infighting abt gender n sexuality labels n who is allowed 2 say or experience what like these r all connected 2 me . I think trying 2 make the entirety of human experience fit into specific categories tht we ourselves have made up, thus Cant include the broad scope of humans living all over the globe bc nobody can have Allll of those perspectives so yr Going 2 automatically be excluding someone bc they havent yet been considered so a label for them and ppl like then has not been made . I think having tried 2 do that is ultimatly harmful 2 us . I think its important 2 have pride in yrself n who u R in yr soul than what sexuality or gender u define yrself as.. Of course where we r @ rn is situational as fuck n crazy so its only natural n i jus think u gotta have fun wit it idk um rambling and now im bored of this post . Labels n categories r helpful when necessary , But when labelling n categorizing yrself is constantly enforced, it becomes walls tht seperate us frm reachng out 4 e/o in my Opinion.

[whoreishghost]

i really am despairing and just hopeless in a way that i genuinely dont think ive been before and its rlly fucking with me. like, by all acounts, i am More supported than i have been before, and thats almost part of the problem? i feel ungrateful for feeling So Bad. i don't do Anything, i dont attend uni, i dont write my essays, i dont have a job, i dont clean my flat, i dont rlly cook a lot. of the things that Have to happen so we can continue to live in this flat, or i can continue to access medical services so my life doesnt get worse: those things are often put off way past the last minute and i need a lot of support to do at all. also, rn my life is mostly just calling A Service TM, getting a bullshit response, complaining, calling again, finally getting through to someone who knows whats going on, complaining, rinse repeat. ITS EXHAUSTING! not only that but sitting every day in bed or at my desk refreshing tumblr or staring at my screen saver thinking to myself 'what am i going to do?' and coming to the conclusion of nothing because i have nothing to do, i enjoy nothing, i want nothing, i cant concentrate long enough on anything or process information well enough to do things Anyway. ykw its not even true i dont Want to do anything. i do. i Want to write my essays, on some level i am genuinely interested in the topics. i just Cant. i want to read. i've been pretty keen on reading complaint by sarah ahmed for a while now or maybe rereading whipping girl or even giving notes on suicide another go? but i cant make myself start because i Know that i wont get far and its so fucking depressing. im getting so high, the come down is genuinely distressing because of how scrambled and disorganised my brain becomes and i become so afraid i will be like that forever. and yet i do it EVERY DAY! im struggling extremely badly with some interpersonal shit that has completely destroyed any self esteem or confidence i had in my appearance and my worth. add onto that that i am a massive Massive financial drain and even if i wasnt our finances are just.. Bad? so i was like, ok, fssw time again, that wont be too bad, i can do that. and then i fucking set up by whore phone and downloaded the grindr apk (and it was fucking horrible and evil to do and i hate that evil horrible useless phone) (also did u know u need to send in id for age verification on google now? 101 internet safety says to not do that are u crazy?) and started getting dms and i wanted to cry i got so overwhelmed. like idk if i can do it, but like.. i kinda gotta? idk man. im trying to see things positively? like, i got the form for the work capability assessment and spent all of yesterday photocopying medical letters which detail diagnoses and assessments and reference hospitilisations, etc but also the dwp are evil so who knows if its enough? im trying to get my pip reevaluated but they havent even sent me the Form for that yet? so again! who! knows! i feel like im in beurocracy hell and i cant leave? my uni are trying to work with me, but multuple medical professionals have told me to interrupt or drop out and like if people who are meant to be like have something in your life to keep you going dont think i can do it, what chance do i have of Actually doing it? i dont know what to do anymore.