#depression hits and normal things suddenly feel like it's too much

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

i listened to nothing but 3 of russ's albums for like 2 months and only now i've started listening to the rest again

[mosspapi]

Spending my last day in residence laying in the dark trying not to pass out or throw up. As upsetting as this is, it's also extremely fitting for the fuckin year I've been having. Jesus fuckin Christ

[happiest-hotch]

The Brink of Collapse

Summary: Aaron and reader have been on the brink of divorce for a long time. And then suddenly he's there, and feelings come to a head.

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: very angsty, talk of divorce, mentions of strippers

It's been an odd month.

Surreal, in some ways.

You and Aaron have been on the brink of divorce for a while, but once you finally said the word, everything changed. It opened up a new world of feelings and even more hurt.

It didn't seem possible to feel more hurt, but here you are, sitting on the couch, feet tucked beside you, and a glass of wine on the coffee table. You need it for your nighttime reading, the first draft of a separation agreement, your and Aaron's full names on the top.

It feels like physical proof that you and Aaron have failed. Every sacrifice that was made in the decade you had been together wasn't enough. All the love in the world wasn't enough.

It hits you in a deeper place in your chest than you knew existed, and it makes breathing difficult.

Those papers are a taunt you've been putting off confronting, but it's time. It's something you have to do.

Your eyes gloss over the words, but you catch yourself slipping into a defense strategy where your name is removed from you, and it's a draft divorce settlement of detached clients.

"Late-night reading?" His voice makes you jump, startled by his appearance in front of you.

You had spaced out, thought he escaped through the front door to avoid whatever this awkward situation could be categorized as. You find yourself wishing that he did as he looks at you, trying to profile your thoughts. Dick.

You're both trying to keep life somewhat normal for the children, not wanting them to be caught up in your mess which means when he's in DC, he picks them up for the day and drops them back home. You just thought he'd leave out the front door rather than come across the house to talk to you.

"It's not that late." You reply. "Do you actually want to do this?" You're not sure why you ask, not when it's going to hurt.

"Do what, Ms. L/n?" Aaron asks, but he knows. He walks behind the couch and into the kitchen, taking the open bottle of wine and pouring himself a glass without invitation.

"Get divorced." You answer before adding something you probably shouldn't since there's no need. "I'm still technically Mrs. Hotchner."

He doesn't chuckle at your quip, but he looks close. "You wouldn't be holding that if we didn't." Carefully chosen words, as expected. "I've always loved that part of your name."

You scoff, shaking your head. "That's a conflicting message."

Aaron shrugs, sitting down on the couch next to you. You kind of wish he hadn't. He could have just gone back to wherever he's staying and you wouldn't have to do this metaphorical dance.

"They're not mutually exclusive." He explains. You try to keep a neutral expression, but it's hard to hear that your soon-to-be ex-husband likes that you have the same surname. "I love the name, doesn't mean we can't get divorced."

"I won't be Mrs. Hotchner then." You remind him, but you keep it lighthearted in tone.

The air is getting too grave and when things get too grave, you both say too much. It's painful conversation, of late. No more 'I love you's and bleeding heart promises of fixing it. You both know you're beyond repair so you talk about that, and it's getting depressing.

He shrugs. "Not necessarily. Plenty of women keep the name after divorce."

Divorce.

That dirty word that's become your reality.

"I've not considered it." You confess. It seems easier to be honest about something little. "Would it bother you? If I kept it?"

He waits a beat, staring into the semi-opaque wine. "No. Not in the slightest."

"I feel it could get real awkward." You admit and he frowns, not understanding what you mean. "When someone says, 'Oh, are you related to Aaron Hotchner' and I have to say, 'Yeah, he's my ex-husband.' I mean, you know half this town."

Aaron considers it for a second, that thoughtful frown on his brows. "I hadn't considered it." Obviously. "You have my blessing if you keep it."

You chuckle humorlessly. "Thanks."

"This whole thing doesn't have to be adversarial." He reminds you, but it's not condescending. He's almost smiling, lips tugging up at the corners.

Your eyes narrow at him. "Have I done something to make this feel adversarial?"

It's snider than it needs to be, but he comes back professionally. "No. But I've seen couples in our situation start arguing, even yelling, at every step."

You snort out a laugh. "The life of divorce attorneys, right?" He's telling it like you don't know like you're not still in the job he left for the FBI. You bite your bottom lip, considering whether to drive the conversation in a different direction, and come to the conclusion that it might make the conversation lighter and with it, stop the clenching feeling of your heart. "Do you still remember the Beamounts?"

He laughs louder than you've heard in a while. That does the trick and gives you a quick breath of relief, but it's gone as soon as it's there. "I couldn't forget it." He assures you. "Do you still have her little card? The one you kept in your wallet?"

You're almost giddy listening to him laugh, and it makes you giggle as you recall it. "Yes! She ran those exotic dance clubs, I remember. I'm still not sure if I'm offended she gave me the card… like, I can't work out if she thought I might be interested and would want to come watch, or if she thought I'd like to leave seven years of school and a law career behind to strip."

"Do you want me to take care of that card? It's been in there for what? Twelve years?"

His offer throws you a little, but your reaction comes out as teasing. "Oh, do you need her card? Now that we're about to be divorced?"

"I certainly don't." Unsurprising, he has no trouble with women. "But I do want to preserve your wallet's purity."

"I think she gave me the non-explicit version." You explain to him. "I'm sure there are some racy ones out there for guys that are into that stuff..." Something prompts you to push it further. "Like you."

Aaron laughs again, and you get another breath. "Very occasionally." He assures you.

"There's photographic evidence, Aaron." You remind him, smiling softly at the photos Morgan showed you of some BAU boys' nights out. Aaron looked so uncomfortable, and you're sure he spent the entire evening refusing to look at any woman's assets. It makes your stomach churn knowing that, if the situation arises again, he won't act the same way. "Unfortunately, good old Mrs. Beamount is spoken for these days, so I guess the card has no use to you."

He hits you with something you don't expect, although maybe you should have since it's in line with your mutual reminiscing. "That was the first time we met. Just baby lawyers thrown into the craziest case."

"I remember laughing with you about how ridiculous it was." The first time you laughed together about that, you breathed deeper than you ever have before. "Do you remember the thing with the dog?"

He snorts with laughter. It's probably not meant to be as attractive a sound as it is. "That damn chihuahua he insisted was possessed? I remember being so annoyed because I knew the dog couldn't be possessed. I kept asking myself what I'd done so wrong in my life that I had a client expecting me to argue it." Hearing his thoughts now is different than just laughing about back then. "Then when we got there, the damn animal was barking and growling in a demonic way. That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. It was possessed."

The passion with how he talks about a damn dog makes you smile. "Now imagine everyone seeing that and having to argue it wasn't demonic." You remind him of what your position was as his opposing counsel. "I felt so ridiculous arguing it. And she wanted the divorce settlement to include him taking it to the groomer." You shake your head disapprovingly at the memory. "It creeped me out that she kept it in her purse. That was the ugliest dog I'd ever seen."

It's odd to be laughing with him, considering your precarious relationship circumstances, and even odder that it's about the first case. Surely it should be about what Eden said today, bonding over your kids seems less intimate than talking about when you met.

"I remember she even tried to make herself look more motherly and nurturing in court, by taking care of it during the proceedings." He continues.

It's like you're watching the whole thing again, but you know how it ends. "I was just praying she wouldn't start breastfeeding it." You say. "Her boobs were so plastic that I think if she put that rabid dog near them, he'd chew them."

Aaron loses it laughing, clearly seeing the mental image that worried you 12 years ago. "Okay, okay, that's enough." He finally manages to get out.

You finish off the laughter, letting it die down rather than continuing the conversation.

"What did you think of me?" He asks, a surprising tangent. "When we first met?"

You know he knows since it had been discussed it a few times between dating and marriage, wanting to reminisce. Why he's asking now, you're not sure, and why you're answering, you're even less sure.

"I thought you were a jerk." You admit.

He laughs, but he's thinking about whether you think that again now. "Yeah?" He prompts you to go on.

"That's what happens when you arrive at a mediation meeting five minutes late with Ferrari keys." You remind him with the same disapproving frown.

You can still remember when he walked into the big boardroom, dressed in a perfectly fitted dark blue suit with his hair longer than it is now and parted down the middle. Compared to now, he looked so young, just 25 and straight out of law school, not having seen the most awful parts of the world. He's different now. His shoulder bag switched out for a briefcase being the most minor change.

When he walked into the room that first day, you were equally as pissed off by and attracted to him. It's full circle that you feel that way again.

"I had to find parking." He reasons.

You scoff, shaking your head in disbelief. "You didn't valet your car?"

"After the Ferrari, things were tight," Aaron says, but it's a joke. You both know he has money, the separation agreement dividing your assets wouldn't be so long if neither of you had money. "What about after that?" He asks. Sadistic or masochistic, you're not sure. It hurts you to relieve it in your memory, but is it hurting him?

"I was leaving that meeting. As fast as I could, of course." You pause for his laughter. "And you were already in the elevator." It hurts to recall, just like you expected. "I wondered if I should join you."

You still wonder now, if you made the right decision that day. On one hand, you'd have none of the good memories, but on the other, you wouldn't feel like your chest was clenching and your heart was threatening to shatter with each breath.

You decide to keep telling the story. "And I did. And you made me laugh, right off the bat, both of us giggling about the ridiculousness of our clients."

"Not very professional." He notes with a smirk. "Opposing counsel gossiping about their clients."

Your eyebrows pull together in a frown. "Why'd you make the first joke then?"

He wants to tell you it's because he needed to make you laugh, just to hear it and see you smile. His fear takes over and he settles for a quip. "I mean, you looked uptight, but I could tell you weren't."

Your scoff is accompanied by you hitting his shoulder, both of you laughing and it suddenly hits you that you're flirting with him.

It must hit him too because what he says is out of left field. "Part of me wonders if the reason you're only just looking at that is because, on some level, you're hoping we'll fix things and get back together." Fuck! Aaron has always been a straight shooter, but that was far too much honesty.

You gulp, the saliva in your mouth drying up. "Hey, let's just not go there, okay?" You offer. It's not a conversation you want to be having. Your mixed emotions coupled with his ability to push you, it's not a good combination.

"Sure." He admits, but his tone suggests he's unhappy, and so does his sigh. You're begging him with your eyes not to push it, to leave the house and the conversation, and not make it awkward and hurtful. "I never wanted this to be an argument. Do you know that? I know I've never been great at communicating and all this, but I've always tried to do the best for you, always tried to... I mean, I've never gotten divorced before, so I'm still feeling out the right way to do it."

You're not impressed he's lying through his teeth. Both of you know he didn't "always" do his best at communicating. Those last few months, he barely spoke to you. In fact, this conversation might contain more words than an entire few months.

And is there a "right way" to get divorced? You don't know, but you wish you could stop picking apart everything he's saying, overanalyzing.

You're caught on the first statement. "This isn't an argument, is it?"

"I guess not, but there's a vibe." He points out. "Maybe I'm being hypersensitive. Listen, I know this is hard. I think we both knew this probably wasn't going to be the easiest thing, right?"

You avert your gaze from him, a few tears welling in your eyes. "Yeah, we knew that."

"Hey, look at me." He implores.

You tilt your head to the ceiling, trying to stop crying before you start.

"If you're not ready to do this, then please just talk to me." He says- begs. "Please talk to me."

It's ironic really, him sitting there begging you to talk to him when formerly, it's been you doing the begging for him to share his feelings with you. An embarrassing amount of begging, really.

"Please don't do this." You beg back. "I'm not interested in the idea of being vulnerable in front of you, okay?"

He sighs a bit, hands falling to his side. The look on his face you can read. He's upset about not being able to comfort you, and he's begging himself not to show it. What the fuck does that mean?

"Fine." He agrees. "It's... I don't think I ever fully realized how much this whole thing would hurt, but I'm seeing it now."

You don't thank him sarcastically for being obvious. It's twisted that he's spilling his emotions now, and it's hard not to be resentful about it. If he had just fucking talked to you when you begged him to every night in your last month together, you wouldn't be here. It's too little, too late.

"I guess." You agree. "We'll just get it over with."

It stings his heart, so he stings you back. Whether it's intentional or on reaction, you can't tell. "Maybe you're right and we should get it drafted and signed so we can be finished as soon as possible." But, most surprisingly, he flip-flops. "I miss you, Y/n."

It's the same rollercoaster of emotions that your brain is riding in your head, but at least you're not saying it out loud and confusing the shit out of him. "Don't say that, Aaron." You warn him.

He has the nerve to be surprised by your harsh tone. "...what? It's just a fact. I miss you. Why is that bad to say?"

"Because I missed you for four months while you had one foot out the door of this marriage." You finally snap.

Aaron looks stunned and it only makes you angrier and more upset. "I know," He tells you.

He knows, but he'd never do anything about it. You try to act casual, taking a deep breath. "Okay." You attempt to leave it at that.

He won't let the conversation go. "I should have fought for us."

"You still can." You're not sure why you say it, but you do. Maybe you give him one last chance because you'll regret it forever if you don't.

"I am more in love with you than I have ever been." He bursts out, unable to help himself given the chance.

It makes your heart soar and your eyes water. You sit there silently, wrapping your arms around yourself tightly like it might protect you.

"I never should have put you in a position where you felt like something was wrong with us." Aaron looks at you so sincerely that you can't help the tears running down your cheeks. "It got to a point where I felt like I couldn't fix it so I didn't try, and I'm aware that was the wrong choice every day."

"I don't know what to say." You tell him. "Why bother coming to this conclusion, and telling me about it, when it's too late?" Maybe you're protecting yourself more than you need to be.

Aaron shakes his head. "Because it isn't."

"Aaron." You shake your head, holding up the literal divorce papers that exist to remind him. "So much has happened in the last four months."

"Not too much, though." He emphasizes.

He's pushing a button that makes your emotions boil over. "I don't even know where you're sleeping." You remind him firmly.

"Holy shit, Y/n!" Aaron's quick to assure you of what might have been going on in your head. "No." He pauses. "I'm sleeping at my office." You can't say that doesn't relieve you. "You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid eyes on. Since the day I met you, I've never looked at anyone the same."

His strong assurances make you cry more. "I don't know if we can fix this." You admit, disappointed in yourself.

"We absolutely can." He pleads to you. "You said we should get a divorce because love isn't enough to make this better, but there is more than love here. I am committed to you and I want to fix this."

You continue your tears and he reaches out to touch your cheek, wiping away your tears with the pad of his thumb. You lean into his soft touch. "I do too." You admit, the realization alleviating some of the aching in your chest.

"You mean the world to me," Aaron tells you firmly. "I will do anything to get us back on track. I wasn't before and I know I was stupid for it, but I'm listening, Y/n. To everything you need and want."

"I think we need help." You confess. "Like professional help."

He can't nod fast enough. "I agree. We can get that."

You stop him before he can pull out his phone. "Tomorrow." You request. "I just want a hug."

He hasn't had you in his arms in far too long, and he reaches out for you. You lay on his chest, letting him wrap his arms around you.

"Wow, I've missed you." He hums, breathing out a deep sigh of relief.

You sniffle your tears, nodding in agreement. "Me too."

"Y/n, I will never let it get this far again," Aaron assures you. "I was stupid and I can't lose you. I love you."

You're sure you feel the same way. Everything definitely wasn't fixed and there was a lot to do, but one thing you're sure about is being married to Aaron Hotchner. "I love you too."

[woso-dreamzzz]

Broken

Wonze x Child!Reader

Summary: You break your arm

There's not really any other way Lucy can describe you but depressed.

With your arm stuck in a cast, you're severely limited in what you can do and you just kind of trudge after Keira.

The atmosphere in the house has been a bit frosty since the accident and Lucy knows it's her fault. She's the one that wasn't watching you on the climbing frame at the park until after the nasty tumble that had your arm snapping when you tried to put it out to stop your fall.

Keira's right to be pissed off at her but your own bad moods have noticeably worsened everything.

You cry a lot more now and you keep whacking your cast on things that wouldn't usually cause you pain.

"How's baby bear?" Georgia asks at breakfast one morning.

"Sad," Lucy replies sullenly," She can't leave Keira's side for even a minute. I tried to give her a bath yesterday when Kei was on the phone but she just cried the whole time. Her arm's been bothering her too."

Georgia makes a sympathetic noise, head turning to where you and Keira have just walked in.

It's not an uncommon sight now to see you in Keira's arms. You don't want to leave them almost as much as Keira doesn't want you to leave them.

You sniffle a little as Keira sits you in your usual seat between her and Lucy and you stiffly place your casted arm onto the table. What makes it worse, is that it's on your dominant hand so you're struggling a little bit to do everyday things like feeding yourself and drawing.

Lucy loads up your fork and shovels food into your mouth. Your appetite has been affected by your mood so it's always hit and miss how much you're actually going to eat for breakfast so she's hoping to get as much down you as possible before your mood finally catches up with you.

You turn away when you've had enough, pushing your food away and looking over at Keira.

"Bear," Lucy says softly," Don't you want to eat some more? You haven't eaten much."

"No, thank you," You say sullenly, moving to climb into Keira's lap, resting your head on her chest and curling yourself into her body.

Keira sighs as she rises from the table. "I'm going to see if Leah can cheer her up. I'll be back in second."

"Jesus," Georgia says as she and Lucy watch Keira go," You're right. That kid is so depressed. She's had that cast on for at least a week now. You'd think she'd have adapted by now."

"She will," Lucy replies, suddenly feeling defensive," She's getting there. It won't be long now. She's getting better."

"I heard she had to miss her friend's birthday party," Georgia says," Keira said she'd been looking forward to it."

Lucy sighs, pushing her food around her plate. "Yeah. It was the day after she broke her arm. Bear was pretty bummed at missing it."

"I can imagine. Being so sad doesn't suit her."

"Hopefully, Leah can snap her out of it."

No matter what Lucy's hoping Leah will do, it doesn't really seem to be working.

Auntie Leah's sitting with Beth from Arsenal and she's trying to get you to detach from Mummy but you refuse.

"Come on, bear!" Auntie Leah laughs," Don't you want to see this cute video I've got?"

You think for a moment. You really want to watch it but you don't want to let go of Mummy at all. Letting go of something was how you got hurt in the first place and Mummy's more sturdier than the climbing frame and you feel safer holding her tight.

She would never drop you.

She's your Mummy bear and you're her baby bear.

She's big and warm and safe and you press yourself further into her like you could melt into her skin and stay there forever.

"How about some chocolate?" Auntie Leah asks," You can hang out in my room with G and I and we can eat chocolate until our tummies hurt."

Normally you would agree with that. You love spending time eating chocolate with Auntie Leah and G but you don't really want to be away from Mummy and Mum. It's bad enough that Mum's across the room from you but you can see her so you know that she's safe.

"We can even watch Brother Bear!"

That nearly breaks you. Brother Bear is your favourite movie ever but Mummy and Mum don't really like screen time so you only get to watch it if you've been very good.

But, still, you'll give up Brother Bear if it means you can stay with Mummy and Mum.

You shake your head. "Want Mum," You whisper against Mummy's skin.

She sighs, resting her head on yours. "Okay, bear," She says, defeated," Let's get Mum."

When you get to Mum, she's whispering to Georgia, who smiles at you before scampering off to Auntie Leah.

"What are you two planning?" Mummy asks suspiciously as she sits in the seat that used to be yours.

"Nothing bad," Mum says quickly before her hand runs over the back of your head and you turn to look at her," How are you feeling, bear?"

"Itchy." You hold your casted arm out to her.

Mum's gotten good at scratching your cast itches.

"Itchy?" She echoes," Well, we can't have that!" She takes a small wooden spoon out of her pocket and starts tapping at the cast. The doctors told her that she's not allowed to let you put stuff down it in case it causes infections so hopefully the vibrations will knock out your itchiness.

It does for the most part and you flop your head back against Mummy when Mum is done.

"Thank you, Mum," You say.

"Of course, bear."

Lucy watches as G and Leah wander out of the room and awaits the text she knows is coming.

You get a bit restless doing nothing and Keira gently runs her hand through your hair to settle you against her again.

"Come on," Lucy says when she finally gets the text," We've got a little surprise, bear."

Your brow furrows in confusion but you don't put up a fight as you're taken back up to the bedrooms. You bypass Mummy and Mum's room in favour of going to Auntie Leah and G's.

Both of them are waiting for you.

Their beds have been pushed together to create a mega bed and their sheets have been made into a little nest with space for all five of you to curl up in.

There's bags of your favourite snacks and your favourite chocolate milk. The title screen of Brother Bear is paused.

You sniffle.

"Oh, no!" G says," Don't cry!"

"These are happy tears," Mum says, wiping them from your cheeks," Isn't that right, bear?"

You nod. "Happy tears."

"Are you ready, bear?" Mummy asks," We're going to have nice chill day with G and Auntie Leah."

"Ready."

[diana-bluewolf]

For @lil-grem-draws ↓↓↓

Chris and Misha sat on a carpet of fallen leaves at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. It was a perfect autumn day, warm and sunny. Chris’s mood wasn’t so bright, though. He looked down to a piece of parchment in his hands, then leaned back on Misha.

“Today is Elland’s birthday,” he said gloomily.

Misha perked up his ears. 

“What’s a birthday? To be honest, I don’t fully understand it, but it’s the day when a person was born. Humans often celebrate it. Some kind of tradition, people love those meaningless things.”

Misha yawned.

"Exactly! Anyway, they give that person presents. Don't ask why - I don't know. Maybe so that they don't feel depressed about being a year closer to death," Chris shrugged and looked at the parchment again. 

"I hope he never knows how many attempts it took me, but I sketched something. I don't even know what for; he doesn't look like the kind of person who enjoys staring at themselves," Chris paused, absentmindedly scratching behind Misha's ear, his gaze fixed on the dance of shadows cast by the leaves on the ground.

Then he suddenly flipped the parchment over and scribbled something on the back. "There, I fixed it. But there's another problem I can't solve."

He wrinkled his nose.

“The last time we talked… I think I might have offended him. You see, he had always been so,” Chris waved his hand as if shooing away an annoying fly, “kind. So generous and always ready to help. Of course, I thought he needed something from me. So I finally asked him about it directly.”

Misha rested his head on his paws and didn’t look intrigued.

“All normal people would have already told me what’s the deal, but he…Well, I know, it’s stupid, but what if he…What if there was really nothing hidden behind his kindness? What if he is just like that? Just recently, I thought unicorns were a fairytale, so what if he is, you know, a unicorn?” 

Misha snorted.

"Look, I know it's hard to believe, but I have no more theories left; he's just that weird," Chris tiredly rubbed his forehead. "There's that new book about that clever bloke in a hat. He said, "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." 

They kept silent for a while, listening to the forest’s soothing sounds. 

"He once met me drunk at Hogsmeade," Chris finally continued. "Don't look at me like this! I had never tried alcohol before, and I had no idea that even a small amount of it would impact me that much, alright? Still can't forgive myself for being that vulnerable in public. Anyway, my point is, even though I don't remember much, he looked…worried? Besides, wouldn't you try to use this opportunity to your advantage if you need something from someone?” 

Misha sneezed.

"Yes! I would for sure, too! But he didn't."

Chris held the parchment out in front of Misha's nose. 

“So what do you think? Should I give it to him?” 

Misha looked at the parchment, tilting his head as if pondering about a wise response to the situation, and then slapped his paw on it, leaving a big dirty footprint. 

“Oh, thank you very much,” Chris mumbled sarcastically, pulling the parchment out from under the paw, “I guess it’s a no since it's spoiled anyway. Fine, that makes things easier.” He sighed, crumpled the parchment and carelessly shoved it into his pocket. 

They had sat in silence for several minutes before Chris attempted to stand up, but Misha hastily grabbed the boy’s sleeve with his teeth. 

"Sorry buddy, I don't want to come back, too,” Chris gently petted Misha's ear, smiling guiltily, “but people think I'm one of them, so I have to follow their rules and school schedule. Well, sometimes. I'll visit you as soon as I can, deal?"

***

Elland was sitting in the Great Hall during dinner when a crumpled piece of parchment hit the back of his head. He looked around, but there weren't any signs of someone who could throw it.

[deathofacupid]

game (headcanon) | clay jensen

a/n: something. i had to post something. (i'm halfway through season three, any requests can only be made in the timeline of season one + two + three! please, no spoilers! (i'll cry.) i wanted to write something, literally anything, to get the creative wheels turning. this is kind of just a starting point for me. italics - clay; normal - ...anyone that isn't clay.

summary: how you and clay became you and clay.

warnings: mostly fluff, some depressive/suic!d@l thoughts (nature of clay), it's 13rw... let's face it, the show tackles some dark stuff.

pairing: fem!reader x clay jensen

word count: 0.79k+ words

-after hannah, clay wasn't great at putting himself out there, especially when it came to girls.

-the biggest thing he'd be worried about was girls. once hannah passed, the main reason he was having trouble was because he was trying to find another hannah.

-clay couldn't help but compare everyone to her.

-it was funny though, because the second he saw you, it was like; who's hannah? the world of "before hannah" and "after hannah" was gone.

-in that moment, when you'd first locked eyes, anything revolving the mere thought of hannah disappeared. he didn't have to think about her, and as selfish as it feels to him, it was refreshing. relieving.

-and you know what? he loved that feeling. he loved the feeling of cloud nine.

-sure, plently of times he'd considered asked you out. and then the thought would hit him like a brick; he's never even said a word to you. how's he going to ask you anything at all, if he can't even utter yet a simple "hi" to you?

-trust me, he tries. clay tries a whole lot. but he'll be inches away, and freeze up.

-part of him is afraid to love again, because what if everything ends up like hannah? like one big repeat? he's not sure if he can live through that again. it was hard enough the first time around.

-eventually, he gives up, choosing to admire you from afar.

-it's luck for him, however, when you're the one to break the ice.

-he remembers it clearly, how you lean over during english lit.

-"clay? do you have any idea what we're doing. because... yeah, i wasn't listening." / "huh? what? oh, uh, yeah- yeah, it's chapters 12-15, questions 1-10."

-he's panicking. you're talking to him.

the second time, you're complaining about your math grade to a friend. he's not even thinking when he blurts out:

-"i can help you. like, tutor you or whatever. i'm pretty good at it." / "wait, really? like, for real?" / "sure."

-clay's non-chalant on the outside, not so much on the inside.

-you seem happy, and instantly, he is too.

-the first thing he does is head into his room, kicking justin out.

-"yeah, okay, well, the adoption papers strongly disagree." / "please? y/n's coming over! i need this to go well." / "y/n? no shit?" / "no shit."

-justin gives in, he's clay's number hypeman anyways. justin lingers in the main house, and then finally wanders to find jessica. that's not clay's concern right now, though.

-it's his room. or more specifically, his shared room. he's freaking out, he hasn't been this nervous since the trial, as he shoves all - i mean all - of justin's crap into the closet, then cleaning up his own.

-he hesisitates over his akr comics, before shoving them in a drawer.

-clay showers, it won't hurt, and spritzes on some of justin's more... masculine colongne.

-half an hour later, there's a knock at the door. he's giddy as he answers it, yet nervous as well.

-"nice house-shed." / "thanks."

-he hopes it a compliment. you're nodding in approval, taking in his room. (shared room.) the little trinkets and trophies.

-and the one akr comic he left out.

-"oh, you read these?" / "y-yeah. i mean, yes. i do. wait- do you?" / no, but my little brother does."

-it's incredible how the conversation flows so smoothly after that.

-after a while, you and him got close. suddenly, it wasn't just study/tutoring sessions, it was hangouts at your place and his.

-everyone thought the two of you were dating, starting with justin.

-he would just be talking to his brother, and it would slip in.

-"how's it going between you and y/n?" / "what's going?" / "dude, you still haven't said anything?" / "there's nothing to say."

-or between his parents:

-"clay, honey, how's your girlfriend? you should bring her over for dinner!" / "we aren't dating, mom." / "really?"

-and more frequently, at school. everyone just assumed you and him were together, and at some point, you stopped correcting them.

-"hey, man, your girlfriend left her jacket in class." / "i'll give it to her."

-somewhere along the line, the difference between dating and not-dating blurred, to the point where you weren't even sure what was going on.

-"hi, not-boyfriend." / "hey, not-girlfriend."

-^became a regular occurence.

-"should we just date? y-you know, because everyone thinks we are... so... it's like-" / "sure." / "okay. wait, really?" / "yeah, why not? i'm suprised it took you this long. i'm literally always flirting with you." / "oh."

-like i said, clay isn't always the best with girls. it doesn't matter though, because you have enough game for the both of them.

[argentnoelle]

finished watching the severance outie cut! It actually held together far more than I thought it would, seeing as you never get answers to the whole plot—but that's not really what this version is about. It's about Mark starting out in this place of apathy and grief and depression and slowly coming to ask questions about what he's doing with his life and facing the stuff he's been trying to hide away all this time. And it ends up feeling far more complete and hopeful of a story than the original cut I think.

Because the taping together Gemma's picture is no longer a twist, it hits far more emotionally/sweetly too—in the original, there's definite plot reasons for not having seen her face until the reveal. In this cut, instead it feels very symbolic. Like, Mark's been saying he's dealing with his grief but he's not, he's hiding it away—in himself when he goes to work, in how he can't face it—the imagery of Petey's phone that he hides away in the box, just like all of Gemma's stuff is packed away in his basement, but the phone keeps calling him (another far more obvious parallel there too with Mrs. Selvig's weird basement)—the way Mark's feeling of responsibility for Petey's death ends up bringing him into an active role in the story of trying to begin to ask questions—and it culminates in him ripping up that picture of Gemma, and then suddenly realizing that's not what he wants to do, and taping it back together, and then you see her face and he sees her face for the first time in the show, it's like that amorphous grief he's running from which was so overpowering it even covered the memory of her has suddenly been pulled aside enough for him to remember the details, who she was as a person, and the love he had for her. And so after that when he decides to quit Lumon, as a character arc, it felt really complete. Like, that's the central plot of this section.

Plus I just liked how much focus this cut put on the Mark & Devon interactions (Devon is one of my favorite characters) and the slightly different view you got on the Mark & Mrs. Selvig (her loneliness and her obsession with Mark on a far more personal level), and even how much Eleanor's birth becomes a part of the plot? And how symbolically it's just part of how things start opening up. Like, the first half of the cut was slow and boring and excruciatingly sad, and then to see Mark start to live again in small ways felt so incredible in a way that it just doesn't come through in the original cut. The relationship between him and Alexa was also much cuter in this cut as well, since there wasn't so much overshadowing it. And the scene in the alley where they watch June's band also felt like such a breath of fresh air, partially because it's like the first time Mark has actually decided to do something, just because he wants to, instead of just being dragged through life. It felt really vibrant and beautiful.

I also loved the conceit of having a completely normal story set in a wacky sci-fi setting where the sci-fi stuff is only vaguely alluded to and never actually touched on. It's like "we live in evil-company-that-splits-people's-brains universe! here's a story about a man coming to terms with his grief after the loss of his wife."

[yuuxhan]

Edgar Allan Poe headcanons

+ pairing hcs (Edgar x reader)

+ some with Karl

(These are my personal hcs and opinions! Nothing canon here!)

Edgar is very introverted. As we all know, he stays cooped up in his house all the time working in his novels. He has a special room that cluttered with materials, especially books that are scattered everywhere in a frantic look for inspiration.

His house is perfectly normal… except it’s very dark Victorian styled… the windows are always shut or he probably has no windows.. he uses candles as a light source. Everything is black, it makes it easier for him to concentrate.

Writers block sometimes hits him, it eats at him. And since he isn’t very social, he doesn’t go out as much for inspiration… unless Its for a job with the detectives, then how could he not accept?

The rivalry with Ranpo eats away at him too.. every time he creates what he thinks is the perfect murder mystery crime for him to solve, Ranpo solves it like it was nothing. He gets so happy.. and then depressed the next minute.. but it only drives him to make more, which makes it a problem.

He sometimes likes to work at a cafe, that one person in the back with the table full of supplies for writing.. maybe he’s even eating a muffin or two… yeah that’s him. But he’s careful enough to watch out in case any stupid person comes and takes his things.

He seems fine.. but inside he has something that he never likes to share.. he has a major disability but he hates to talk about it. It makes him so embarrassed and he hates himself for it. Whenever he feels it’s going to hit, he walks away immediately from whatever he’s doing and gets himself to a place where he’s alone and safe.. before letting it happen. (I’m not sure what it is yet.. but I’m going with epilepsy)

Karl is also there! His little pet raccoon is like a service aid animal ready to help him. He’s not trained and he’s not licensed.. but he’s known Edgar for so long.. ever since the little raccoon was little. Both him and Edgar are like two peas in a pod, they never split up from eachother. Whenever you see Karl, Edgar is always somewhere around.. and it’s the same for the opposite. They always have each other’s backs.. and Edgar couldn’t feel more happy and safe with him than ever.

Edgar is a very emotional person.. with not having many friends.. and everything that happened in his past.. it makes him tense up with all different kinds of emotions very often. He’s very sensitive.

Sometimes he’s get so invested in his work, he would sit all day in his room, from morning to sunset without even realizing it.. he’d forget to eat and take breaks, so he tends to pass out from exhaustion quite quickly.

When he’s crying, he has a sort of ‘tic’ or ‘saying’ that he says a lot.. it’s anxiety induced and he just repeats it over and over and over and over for as long as he can.

“Oh.. oh no.. oh no oh…”

“Oh.. (y/n).. oh.. oh my.. oh..”

When he’s very very frightened or panicked.. he age regresses. Not only that, if he’s in a stressful situation that hits him personally and close to home, he’ll become suddenly silent.. or he’ll just suddenly panic and break down right there.. depending on the situation. He becomes a small frightened boy, crouched down head in hands pulling his hair out.. all of it.

——————————————————————————

Edgar is the kind to carry around a notepad.. he uses it to write down inspiration when he doesn’t have his books on him.. but he also uses it to draw when he’s bored. But sometimes.. if he sees someone.. or even you that catches his eye, he’s nervous to talk to them so he writes what he wants to say to you and hands you his notepad with the pen, in hopes you’d respond of course.

Since he’s so emotional.. if you show him the smallest of kindness, he’d take it like it was a otherworldly blessing, he’d appreciate it so much that you’d feel kind of weird for him thanking you all the time about it now.

Edgar is not fond of touch.. especially intimate touch. He gets startled easily from someone’s hand on his shoulder or anything of that sort.. but once he’s used to you, he will warm up and every touch you give him will be the most comforting thing to him.

He loves it when you compliment him, the more you do it the more he’ll get attached to you. He thinks of himself as such a person who doesn’t deserve to be given compliments.. but if you keep talking to him over and over about it.. he would only accept them from you… slowly you can rebuild his love for himself.

He loves it when you pull him in to hug him, he can rest his head on your shoulder and be at peace for a moment, he’ll close his eyes and he won’t move a muscle.. almost like he’s fallen asleep on you. He loves every moment of it.

Edgar isnt one for aquarium dates or carnival dates.. he’d rather sit in a library with you and read you stories with him on your lap.. especially if it’s murder mystery’s.. it can give him inspiration for his novels but also makes you interested in the story’s outcome.

If ever he’s stumped with something about his novel, he’d come to you for you to read and understand what he needed help with. With your help an confidence bed be able to fix it in no time!

Please.. please help him with his disability.. he’ll rely on you for comfort if you’re around. Give him hugs or let him rest on you.. he’ll appreciate it when he comes back instead of laying in the cold floor.

When he’s been in his room working all day, please check on him every now and then. Make sure he gets his break, even if it’s five minutes of you talking to him.. or bringing him food to eat, make sure he eats it before you leave, that way he won’t pass out from working all day long.

Karl would absolutely love you once you come around more often to see Edgar. He’d get used to you and he’d love it when he gets belly rubs or you feed him snacks. He’d sit on your shoulder all day long just like he would with Edgar.. but when it’s time for you to leave, the poor raccoon gets sad and would tug on your pants for you to stay. He’d eventually hide away on Ed’s desk and curl into a cold little ball, waiting for you to come back.

When he’s upset, sit him down either in a chair or on the floor, somewhere where he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself much. His crying will be shaky and he will cling to you so much and for so long that he never wants to let go. He’ll sit there and cry until your warmth and your voice soothes him.. but he’ll stay longer and he might even fall asleep on you. You’d have to sit there for hours with him asleep on you.. unless you put him down if he lets you.

He is like a little duck, he will follow you around any and everywhere. He’ll stick close behind you but he most likely won’t interact with anyone unless he has to or he’s comfortable with them. This also makes him be a little and big spoon when you’re cuddling him, he loves to hold you, he loves to feel you close to him like you’re a life line to hold onto. But he also loves being a little spoon too, even though he’s quite tall, feeling you hold him.. it would feel like a mothers love for him.

Confidence boosters! When he’s feeling down, make sure to cheer him up with boosters! He’d find it fun later on and maybe start laughing from how silly you two would look

“Come on! Show me some love! Shout it louder for the people in the back!!

“I love myself!”

“Louder silly!! You got this!!”

“I LOVE MYSELF!!”

Whenever you two are walking around somewhere in public, poe would probably get overwhelmed by all the big crowds and want to hold your hand like a lifeline. But if something catches your eye and you let go, he’s stand there dazed and confused, he wouldnt know what to do with himself, even if you call him to come over. He’d get anxiety and just stare at you, so you’d have to go and get him yourself…. Lesson learned, don’t let go of his hand.

He loves back hugs.. you know that feeling when you’re standing in a doorway, you know what’s in front of you.. but not what’s behind you.. and you feel scared to turn around..? Yeah… he gets that a lot.. and when you hug him from behind, even if you’re shorter than him (this man is 6’ he’s tall as hell.. jeez, I’m like a midget compared to him D:).. he feels at ease, he feels safe.. he knows you’re behind.. you have his back.. and he can look forward.. and be at peace..

Bonus if you kiss him.. while hugging his back.. it sends flutters down his spine <3 ;)

You have to help him with his age regression! It’s not a want, it’s a must. You must help him.. or else he’ll probably lose all trust with you. He’d use you as a shield to hide from the world, hiding behind you when he wants to suddenly become mute, you’ll feel him hug you from behind and not say a word. Or at times where he’s super stressed out (example: from a seizure depending on how hash it hits him) hed regress into a small child, you’d need to hold him and spoon him as if he really was one. He doesn’t remember that kind of attention from his parents… at least not from memory.

If you die, Edgar’s mind would go straight into spiraling and depression again. You’re the one thing keeping him together, the one person who he was able to love, and who was able to love him ever since his parents died. He’s been alone his entire life so you can’t even begin to imagine what’s running through that head of his. He’d grieve for months, in the process he’d write a novel just to keep for himself.. as much as his broken heart and mind could handle. He wants to remember your face, the way you smell, your kind words.. and the only way to do it would be to use his own ability on himself and send him into a peaceful world where it’s just you and him.. and nobody else to bother you both.

(That’s all I have for now! Thanks for reading! I’ll probably add more later on !!!)

[boo8008]

Three Months - Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Fem!Reader Chapter 02: Mince

Prologue | Chapter 01: Quadriller | Chapter 02: Mince

Series Summery: Its been one year since The Bear's soft open, and with everything running smoothly, Carmen's lost in his thoughts, until the final table of the night is seated.

Warnings: angst | fluff | ghosting mention | mentions of suicide | language | mental health | pining | unrequited love????? | substances (alc & weed) | yelling | grief | descriptions of panic attacks | eventual smut | mention of covid | self doubt | no proofreading just sleep deprivation & back pain running this show | awkwardness & cringe of a new friendship/relationship/situationship

Chapter Summery: After the minor introduction of you and Carmy, your about to prepare the first dinner post Covid and before Stevie and Michelle leave, one Carmen is also coming to. Only cooking dinner is not going as smoothly as you'd hoped.

Mince (v.) - to finely divide food into uniform pieces smaller than diced or chopped foods, prepared using a chef's knife or food processor

Word Count: ~3,865

My Notes bb: Hey….. How yall doin? Sorry this took so long to get out, work and life suddenly got busy and I didn't have time to write. I hurt my back though so it kinda forced me to write and crank this out. Hopefully its not as bad I as I still feel like it is but yea. Again sorry this took so long to get out. Hope you enjoy! (ps my therapist thinks this is a decent outlet though lol thanks Sandra)

2021 (December)

Carmen hardly ever came to dinner after those first few weeks, and Michelle said something about him working at Eleven Madison Park. While you were happy he head ended up at the high end restaurant, you knew he was working under one hell of an asshole. He seemed to be doing fine enough though. Granted, you would only catch small glimpses of him on nights when you stayed later than intended and he walked only into his room to sleep, with just a small mumbled ‘hi’ thrown your way. Eventually he managed to move out on his own and only came to dinner about once every two months when Michelle would insist on it.

Once covid hit though, you'd basically lost contact with him. Michelle even rarely managed to drag him into group facetime calls with you. They were mainly her or Stevie recounting their last two weeks of quarantine in a dramatic fashion and you and Carmen would be  listening half heartedly. If Carmen was there, he seemed to just sit out on a fire escape in his building and smoke, thinking about other things. Everytime you picked up though, missing being around the two people you actually liked. You would use it as a little reprieve from writing yet another ‘easy recipes for quarantine’ article, or to have company while you organized and re-organised random spots throughout your apartment. 

Mostly though you would use it to get away from the depressive thoughts of ‘what am I doing with my life?’ or ‘if something happened to me, only Michelle and Stevie would really know.’ you didn't realize how much you missed being around people until you couldn't anymore, just stuck with yourself and your cat in your apartment. You missed the mindless chatter from coworkers at your office and in person interviews with cranky chefs because they gave you more to think about than yourself. All you began to think about was how bad the piece you were working on was, even if your editor said it was great. You felt tired and tired of being tired. All you wanted was to have a nice dinner with Stevie and Michelle, and fuck even hearing from Carmen would be amazing even if it was another awkward conversation with someone you just barely knew.

In short covid sucked ass and made your already anxious brain even worse. Not to mentioned your sense of time became fucked and all of your normally scheduled daily things also hard to keep track of. While quarantine had somewhat ended, you all found yourselves too busy trying to get back into the groove of ‘normalcy’ and offices to have dinner again, canceling for meetings or being too tired. Leading to today, when after months of planning and rescheduling you had completely forgotten that dinner was not only being held at you place, but you were also cooking because Michelle and Stevie had nothing in their kitchen because they were leaving two weeks early to isolate before Christmas in Chicago, and to top it all off, Carmen was (for once) coming to dinner. You remembered only when Stevie sent you a text asking what time worked best to come over, and not wanting to cancel for the tenth time, you told them 7:00. So you left work early to run for the subway, then run to the grocers to get real food, and then ran home to start cooking. 

Only cooking was not going as planned. 

It was 6:30 and dinner was nowhere near done. It was like you had forgotten everything you knew about actually cooking, and you’re a food journalist for Christ's sake! This should have been something you could do fairly easy! You write about things like this all the time! Yet here you are, chicken suddenly burning in the oven from when you stepped away to check your recipe to make sure everything was going okay and you that were good to start the pasta. You quickly removed the now pucks from the oven and turned it off. You resolved to just sitting on the floor across from your oven and crying, thinking about where it all went wrong-not the dinner but everything. Quiet sobs racked your body as you sad down on your kitchen floor, forgetting about your phone and the fact your last text said “doors unlocked when you get here”.

Carmen didn’t want to go to dinner but knew he wouldn't hear the end of it from Michelle if he didn’t show up. And to be frank he wanted her to stop calling him a hermit too. So he grabbed his jacket after lunch service and headed home to shower and change, doing his best to not think of his shitty boss saying he was worthless for taking one evening off. He hadn't done that even during covid, constantly asking what the plan was or if the kitchen was open. He decided to head out early to your place sending a quick text and leaving. As he approached your door he could definitely smell burning, very unlike the pre-covid dinners you made. While not Michelin level, what you made were perfect home cooked and leftover meals to him. A nice change from his go to PB&Js with Doritos and a Coke. He checked his phone again making sure the apartment number was right and reread your last text again. He still knocked on the door before he opened it, out of habit. 

“Yo its me,” Carmen called out, peeling off his jacket as he looked around the entryway of your small apartment. You jumped at the knock and stood up as the door opened, and as Carmen called out, you turned to face the sink in your kitchen.

“In here!” your voice was wobbly but you preyed he wouldn't notice. Carmen followed the sound and walked into the kitchen, seeing the blackened chicken on the stove and the mess of the rest of the kitchen. 

“Jesus, the fuck did you try to cook?” he said it without thinking, and immediately you broke again. Crumbling in on yourself and to tired to try and hide it. Tears raining down your face and carmen short circuited, watching as you again sunk to the floor in a puddle. 

“Shit fuck I-I’m sorry. Fuck! Wh-what can I do? What do you want me to do? Fuck sorry I-I’m bad at this.” he panics as he looks down at you crying. “Wh-want me to go? I-I can go- I should go. Shit, Sorry again.” 

“S-s-stay?” 

“What?” Carmen's pretty sure he heard wrong, after all he just caused you to meltdown from his social awkwardness. 

“S-stay?” you say more clearly. You don't know why you ask it, let alone how it crawls out of your crying, shaking self. Its been so long sense you've been near someone else even a little close to you so maybe that's it. He stops for a minute looking down at you as you look up at him still crying. “Please?”

“... O-okay.” 

He isn't sure why he stays, or why he sits down next to you while you cry, but he does. The apartment is quiet outside of you sniffles and the occasional sob but carmen stays put. Neither of you realize how much you've started leaning towards each other until your head  is lightly lying on his shoulder. You’ve mostly stopped crying now but your face is still wet and your eyes are puffy. 

He isn't sure what to say, with his mom asking if you were okay was off limits. It made everything worse. It lead to screaming and yelling and throwing things. He thinks about what someone normal, someone like Stevie, or Pete, or Natalie, what they would ask someone they hardly know if they saw them having a panic attack and decides to just do it, praying you’d be somewhat normal compared to his mother.

“You-you okay?” you'd almost forgot he was there, even if you were leaning on him, and sat up straighter, wiping your face.

“Yea, I’m-I’m sorry dinners ruined and for getting like that,” you say. Tears of embarrassment springing up at knowing that this (basically) stranger saw you cry. 

“No no your fine-your cool,” he can feel panic rising again at making you cry again. “No no no offense but I-I was kinda in the mood for pizza anyways.” He's only partly lying, he wanted a home cooked meal but the pizza place he passed on his way here smelled greasy and amazing on his empty stomach. 

“Are you sure? I still have the kitchen to clean and I just don't want you all to think that I don't care o-or anything that i-its our last dinner before you guys go back to Chicago for Christmas and I just-” 

“Yea, your fine , its fine if we have pizza, I’ll text Michelle to grab it on their way over, they wont mind.”

“Okay…” you mumble, caving in on the choice of pizza and leaning your head back on the cabinet behind you. Carmens already pulling his phone out of his pocket when he spots the new texts from Stevie and Michelle on his lock screen. 

Stevie: ‘Sorry gang, we dont think we can make it tonight, we still have a lot to pack 😕’

Michelle: ‘Yea I’m sorry i know its so close to dinner but maybe you two can get along without us????’ 

Michelle: ‘Sorry again lovelies xoxo 😘’

Michelle: ‘Dont be a dick carm 💛😘’

“Well fuck,” Carmen mumbled. He was now on his own to make conversation. “Looks like its just us for dinner. ‘Said they still have packing to do.”

“Oh,” was all you could think to say. Of course the universe would have the only two people you could actually converse with busy on the one night you were meant to see them. 

“Yea…” Carmen wasn't sure how to proceed. Does he leave cause the only bridge between you both isn't showing? Does he stay because he already committed to dinner? God he feels so awkward.

“Well we could still get pizza?” you ask. “I mean you came all this way so it kinda feels like a waste.”

“You sure?”

“Yea, I mean I still gotta clean the kitchen but theres a place around the corner thats amazing after crying,” you say with a bit of a laugh to help bring up the awkward mood.

“Let me help you and we can go?” he suggests, already rising to his feet and offering you a hand.

“Are you sure? I mean the chicken I think is welded on there at this point,” you say. As your taking his hand and he pulls you to stand from your floor, you see his forearms flex and your mind short circuits as you look probably a second longer than you need to at the muscles and veins there. Luckily he doesn't notice because he's already turning and grabbing the now cool baking sheet with the chicken on it. 

“Yea it’ll go faster, I think I can get this off too,”  Carmen quickly took charge of washing the bowls, cutting boards, and other kitchen utensils you had pulled out in your frenzy to cook dinner on time. 

In nearly no time at all the kitchen was clean and the two of you had left for the pizza parlor a block away. While yes the cleaning was a little awkward, the noise of the city on the walk made making any conversation difficult, meaning neither of you had to talk or struggle to make conversation. 

“Pepperoni good?” Carmen asked as the two of you stood awkwardly next to each other, both of your jackets zipped all the way up thanks to the near unbearable cold outside.

“Y-yea, they make bomb garlic knots too if you want some,” you responded, skimming over the menu even though you already knew what the plan was. 

“C-cool, um,” Carmen looked around the small shop, there was just the counter and a cooler for drinks, no seating. The place reminded him of the beef, dingy, and not that healthy, but god damn was this about to be the best food he could ever get. “Did you want to go back to your place? Cause… cause there's no tables and stuff…” Carmen cringed at the awkward way the words came out. 

“Yea if that's good with you?” you said taking a step forward, the two of you would look at each other before looking away, as if the tiled flooring was so interesting. You decided to take a page out of Stevie’s book, he was better with people than you were so you prayed the attempted joke would land. “I mean we could eat out in the cold if your more comfortable?” A smile pressed its way onto Carmen’s face and you considered that a victory. 

“Yea no, I love eating outside when its about to snow,” he snickered. “Reminds me of home.” You both shifted closer as the people in front of you pushed pass you both to leave with their pizzas. As you both stepped up to the counter Carmen was faster than you in not only placing the order, a large peperoni with a side of garlic knots, but also whipping out his wallet and paying, you on the other hand had barely stumbled out a hello and barely started shifting your bag to get out your own wallet by the time he was done.

“You didn’t have to do that,” you mumbled as you both stepped off to the side to wait.

“Yea well, its cool I got the money,” Carmen added. You only partly doubted it, he worked at the highest rated restaurant in the world but also lived in New York so it kinda balanced out. You both distracted yourselves for a few minuets looking at your phones, you taking to a word search game and Carmen playing the fun game of ‘who is this and why do I have their number?’ with his contacts. It felt a little more relaxing compared to earlier, more like the same air you both got when Stevie and Michelle would leave the room at your normal dinners, not pressured to talk but liking the fact another person was next to you.

“Order 447!” you and carmen both jumped as the number was yelled through the small shop. Carmen stepped forward and took the box and bag from the worker, turning to you, where you grabbed the bag and began to head out before he got up the words to protest that he's got it. 

Luckily the only awkward part of the walk back to your apartment was the elevator ride up. As you both stepped into your apartment you were both greeted by the loud yelling of your cat as she rounded the corner to yell at you for leaving for a whole 30 minuets.

“Yea yea your fine baby,” you told her as you took the pizza from Carmen. “You good with just sitting on the couch? I don't want to do anymore kitchen cleaning.”

“Heard,” Carmen carmen said as he took off his jacket. He was looking down at the feline weaving between his legs and bent down to let her sniff him so he could pet her, instead she smelt him and abruptly ran back deeper in the apartment and he smiled a little at the cat, following it with his eyes to you coming out of the kitchen with two cans of coke, paper plates, and paper towels. Something in him stirred at the mundane and domestic sight but he waved it off as more anxiety.

“Wait-shit-your not allergic to cats are you?” you asked panicked.

“N-no,” Carmen's voice broke a little as he said it and he cleared his throat. “No… My, um, my mom never let us have one when I was a kid, something about the furniture. I always wanted one though.” Why’d his voice break like that? Why’d he bring up his mom? Fuck now he's gonna have to explain everything.

“Cool-cool,” you were turning to head deeper into the apartment again and Carmen followed, getting a better look at the place now that he wasn't rushing to the kitchen. “That's Mince, cause when I got her she was tiny and I wasn't thinking ahead.” He took in the living room, a nice, small sectional couch with a blanket over the back was against one wall, and a tv with bookcases full of nick-nacks and heavy looking books with holiday lights around it. The center of the room had a buttery carpet and the coffee table with the pizza and garlic knots on it. 

“Make yourself at home,” you added. You’d never felt more aware of your actions than now, as Carmen looked at more of your space with posters and pictures around it and you were just trying to tell yourself to act normal. He took in the dining table with four perfectly mismatched chairs that was tucked into a corner on the other side of the wall from the kitchen. Mince catches his attention from the couch, batting at his hand from her spot on the arm rest. He again goes to pet her only for her to skip off and run to the opposite end where you are. Carmen finally takes a seat on the couch, the two of you as far as you could be. You both dig into the pizza and Carmen can’t help but think about how good it is. 

“Fuck,” he groaned. It definitely compensates for the shitty morning he had and the rollercoaster of emotions he felt around you.

“Right?” you said through a smile. You were turning on the tv and poking around for something to watch. 

“‘S so fucking good,” he said through another bite. “Chicago is still better though.” he mumbled.

“Fuck off,” you finally settled on Bobs Burgers that you left off on. You both ate in a mostly comfortable silence, focusing on the show and avoiding looking at each other. Once you felt you were full you settled back into the couch, and glanced at carmen sitting in your space, he had made himself more comfortable, and he looked nice there, leaned up against the arm of the couch with one arm draped over the back of the couch fiddling with a part of the blanket and his legs spread wide. You shifted your focus back to the television not wanting to make it more weird. 

“So… did you finish packing already?” you settled on conversation to distract you from the thought of crawling into his lap. “For Chicago I mean.”

“Oh um,” Carmen was a little startled by the sudden conversation, but fuck it you already cried in front of him today, it was his turn to share. “N-no I’m just staying here, rather not watch my mom drive the car through a wall and my brother fight my uncle again.”

“Jeez, I’m sorry,” Steve had told you some of what happened that Christmas, mainly summarized as a big blowout of a fight between Michelle’s cousin Mikey and her kinda-uncle Lee, and her aunt Donna driving her car through the living room. God why'd you bring this up? He probably didn't want to talk about it. “Did you have any plans then?” Please let this be a decent change of topic you think.

“Just work, go home, smoke and eat, sleep, just like the last two years,” he says with a sigh. “Wh-What about you?”

“No, I was just gonna stay in and watch some movies.” Carmen answers with an affirming ‘hm’, not wanting to overstep and ask more questions. Even with the both of you wanting to talk more, neither of you know how to go from here. You turn you attention back to the television as Carmen turns his head a little to quietly observe you. 

Curled up in the corner of the couch in a cozy, old, and ratty sweatshirt with some leggings and fuzzy holiday grippy socks, hair down, and face still a little puffy from the winter air and your tears, but still beautiful in the darkening light of your apartment, mundanely so. Not a supermodel ripped from the cover of vogue, or an unobtainable influencer with hair and makeup perfectly placed for pictures. You look like you belong there. You look real. Cozy and warm on your couch with the lights from the streets down below hitting you just so. Home he thinks, before quickly turning his attention back to the tv. Its not like he’d ever have a shot with you anyways, he’s always too busy, or too angry, or too much of an asshole in general. Where’d all of those thoughts even come from? He hardly ever felt at home with anyone, especially outside of the kitchen. 

As the show plays on the two of you get lost in it and enjoying the act of being alone together, occasionally steeling glances at each other. You find yourself kind of liking being with him, not necessarily talking or interacting but the feeling of another person in the same room as you feels nice. Carmen won't say it but he's enjoying himself too. The show and coziness of your apartment make him feel relaxed more than his barren dingy apartment ever could, and the abundance of stuff artfully placed helps give him something to look at and think on rather than get lost in his anxiety and self doubt. Why does she have a Halloween decoration out its December…right? He thinks. Your both trying to think on how to ask for what you want but you beat him too it. Probably because you grew up with Steve and his weird ball of encouragement always on your side.

“Did you want to hang out? On Christmas I mean,” you finally get the courage to ask. Phew, not that bad.

“I mean I-I don't want to intrude,” Carmen starts. “Plus I have work the next day.”

“You could sleepover? If-if you want,” you prepose. “We can still smoke, eat, and sleep if you want. All the traditions you enjoy, a-and I don’t think I’m far from the line you need?” 

You definitely aren't. In fact your apartment is somehow on a faster route to work than his own. The only reason you know is because of the Bake It Nice pop up bakery Eleven Madison Park does once a month that you always try to make time for. Carmen thinks on it for a second, and your sure he's looking for a way to let you down nicely.

“You sure your okay with me leaving at 5:00 in the morning?” he asks. 

“Absolutely,” you say with a smile, and something in Carmen stirs. “Plus I can pass the fuck out again when you leave anyways.” he smiles at that, still unsure what feeling he's having right now, but he likes it.

“Okay,” he says and you both return you attention back to the show smiling like children. Your legs a little more outstretched towards carmen and his body begging to sink further into your couch. Relaxing to the feeling of you.

[scaly-freaks]

Hiiii!! I fell in love with 'until the colours fade' and the end made me think that maybe Aegon was going to commit su*cide? it felt open ended too as if maybe he could work things out with Jae and they could be the family they both so desperately need. I was so angry with Aegon at first because the neglecting hit close to home, but I ended up feeling sad for both of them in the end. It felt like you meant to keep the mother unnamed but was she Amara? i wanted to guess because of the moodboard and the girl with the dark hair.

If you want to reveal anything about their life when she was still alive I'd really love that!! The idea of Aegon mourning her when he found out she died just made me so sad and I didn't even wannt to imagine it because they always feel so joined in my mind

Aaahhhh thank you so much (and thank you for being so sweet with your request omg)

It is open-ended. It's ultimately up to the reader to decide what happens without any input from me. My irls read the fic today and were dragging Aegon over the coals because they refused to accept that anyone once they've become a parent has any excuse not to raise a perfectly normal, well balanced child, which I didn't agree with, but to each their own. Traumatised children grow up to become parents all the time and don't stop being traumatised. All you can do is your best, even if that counts as bare minimum to someone else. To you, that is your best. Your intentions are there.

Aegon definitely didn't mean to let his intentions slip, but after the mother's death, aka someone he obviously relied on heavily in terms of emotional support, he lost his mind a little bit. His family is busy with their own lives, and are also quite neglectful of him because I imagine he's not the success story amongst the Targ-Hightowers. No one came to his house after the funeral to clean up and make sure there was food in the fridge when he got back. That's how they never realised Jae was still there until a week and a half later. He had the excuse (barely) of numbing himself on alcohol and drugs to avoid facing up to the fact that his wife was gone, hence why he forgot her. He let Jaehaera parent herself which was also wrong, and she became a latch key kid pretty much. If the electric bill isn't paid, the washing machine isn't working, and then who's cleaning her underwear? At eleven, she's probably thinking whatever, it's fine i'll reuse it, it doesn't look dirty because no one's teaching her that stuff (can't even say it's common sense because kids will be kids). She hasn't started her period yet, but I imagine Aegon would be a lot more aware of that this time round and actually buy her the stuff before he drags Helaena in to explain it all LOL.

And yes, 'Momma' was in fact Amara. And yuupppp, pulled my heartstrings to think of Aegon losing her. She was a baby having a baby, and then suddenly she was gone and Jaehaerys went with her.

Their life before she died was happy, I must admit. They both obviously struggled massively with mental illness and addiction and whatnot, but the kids were their pride and joy, something they made between them and would go to the ends of the earth for. Aegon was a good dad before she died, which is the most heartbreaking bit. Glimpses of it come through, for instance the glitter shampoo, buying Jae sweets after they fight, running after the ice cream van, but these are all notably things he did when she was way younger and before Amara died, suggesting he's frozen in time. Jae is growing up, and her Dad is failing to keep up. He's sluggish and trapped in memories he wants to return to. He used to put his all into making sure his kids were happy on the little money they had, and that his wife wasn't sinking into her depression again (Amara went through a couple suicide attempts during her post-partum period). She was terrified she'd go through with it one day and that it would never end even once the kids were older, and Aegon was the one who was like I won't let you, I promise, I'll keep you here even if it's not that simple.

The sad irony is she died and it was completely out of both their hands. She didn't want to leave, but she did. He tells Jaehaera no, baby, you're all me to disguise the fact that she has her mother's eyes and those eyes haven't looked at him the same since Amara died. Obviously Jaehaera's lonely and depressed and struggling to cope, so when she looks at her dad, he sees all those things staring back at him. He sees what Amara used to look like in her worst moments, but he doesn't have half the mental and emotional energy he used to in order to help his daughter. Instead, he drowns and watches her drown with him.

Amara is probably somewhere in the afterlife crying over the pair of them and not enjoying heaven I'm ngl 😭

[starlight-writer]

Divorce

Warnings: none, pure angst, no happy ending, talk of depression, panic attacks

Gn! reader Masterlist

Steven

He swears he hears his heart shatter

He can feel his soul die and his breathing stop

Divorce? You want a divorce?

Why? Did he do something wrong? Did he miss too many dates? Was he talking too much? Did he get too annoying? Was his cologne too strong?

Tell him, please, tell him what he did wrong, he'll fix it! He promises to fix it!

Or do you... Do you not love him anymore?

Steven would not stop talking, rambling about what he must've done wrong, his apology, and how he can make it up to you

"Just please... Please don't leave."

He'll try to get you to talk with him, explain why you want a divorce and how he can prevent that outcome as much as possible

But there's nothing he can do to change your mind

You're done

And you leave

And Steven swears, swears by all of Egypt's gods and goddesses, that he died in that moment

He doesn't move for a while

He doesn't breathe for a while

Then suddenly, he's gasping as collapsing on the floor, clutching his chest and sobbing

He cries so hard and for so long, he passes out on the floor

He doesn't have the energy to go into work, he doesn't even have the energy to move his hand

He stays in his flat for days, never leaving unless Jake take over to make sure he doesn't lose his job

Jake's the only one that can continue working and existing as a person after your divorce

While Jake tries to make sure the body stays healthy and alive, Steven doesn't talk or acknowledge anyone

Eventually, he starts blaming Marc for driving you away

"It was the stupid pigeon and the sneaking out at night and coming home covered in blood! It was your fault, you scared them away! I hate you!"

Eventually, Steven realizes that while Marc may be at fault for a few things, it was ultimately his own fault you left

He realizes he must've driven you away, somehow

He can remember times where you seemed less interested in his ramblings and blames those specific moments

He refuses to talk or even think about his interests now, too pained, too angry, too heartbroken to think he deserve anything but pain and heartbreak

It takes a good few months, maybe even a year, for Steven to start regularly fronting again

It takes so much energy and effort, but he's stopped feeling pain

He's stopped feeling

He doesn't correct Donna when she says his name wrong, he doesn't give any snarky come backs when she teases him about being late, he doesn't say anything

Donna makes the mistake of commenting on the disappearance of Steven's ring one day and all hell breaks loose

Let's just say, after the exchange, Steven isn't allowed back in the museum for... a while

It takes months for Steven to coexist with other people and it takes him years to be able to feel again

But he's never the same

He doesn't smile anymore

Marc

"What?"

Any anger, any annoyance, any frustration he felt during your argument is gone

Unbridled fear is the only thing he can feel and it hurts

It tightens his throat, makes it hard to breathe, to think, to see

He has to physically shake his head to be able to think

"Are you serious?"

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Ok."

Unlike Steven and Jake he didn't beg you to stay

He wanted to, god he wanted to

He wanted to get on his hands and knees and beg for you to stay

He would if you asked

He would do anything you asked

But that's besides the point

He wouldn't beg you to stay unless you asked, and you didn't

He wouldn't beg because he wants you happy and if you're not happy with him then...

He should let you go

Right?

He silently watches you pack your things, occasionally helping, but otherwise he's just standing there

He doesn't say anything, which isn't a problem, you don't either

He signs the divorce papers without any argument and he goes home like normal

It doesn't officially hit Marc that this is real for a while

A couple weeks at least

It's when he's making dinner and goes into your office to tell you it's ready when he realizes

Your stuff isn't there

You aren't there

And he collapses

He lays in your office sobbing

All night

Dinner is easily forgotten and left to get cold

Dishes are left in the sink to attract flies

Laundry is left to mildew in the washer

Mail is left to overflow

He doesn't move to do anything

He can't

He feels like a failure

He ruined your marriage somehow, he's sure of it

And he ruined the only happiness he, Steven, and Jake had

He doesn't front for a while, leaving Jake to pick up the pieces of himself and his life

On the rare chance he does, he only does it to be Moon Knight

He regresses into a violent, unfeeling vigilante and he doesn't care

Steven doesn't care enough to stop him either

Jake eventually yells at him for endangering the body, his, and Steven's life and that kind of kick Marc into gear

He starts taking better care of the body, purely for Steven

But he doesn't do anything more than the bare minimum

He can't

He's lost without you

He feels like an asteroid in the darkest spot in space and he doesn't think he'll ever find a way out

Jake

He laughs

He laughs

"Very funny, cariño, you're just upset I forgot to buy you flowers."

He doesn't believe you until your scream and/or crying at him that you 'can't handle it anymore and want a divorce'

He gets very quiet, very still, very fast

He doesn't say a word

But then you're moving to the bedroom with a suitcase and he cries

Instantly, he's running after you, asking a million and one questions

Jake doesn't consider himself someone who would beg for anything

Not for food, not for help, not for his life

Nothing

But in that moment, he got on his hands and knees and begged and wept for you

"Mi amor, mi corazón, mi luz, mi vida, mi amor, mi ángel, please, tell me what I did wrong, yell at me, hit me, but please, please don't leave me. Don't leave us. What would Steven do without you? Marc? You can hate me for however long you want, but please don't leave!"

He's never been with someone for so long, he's never been with someone period

He loves you so deeply and strongly, it controls his every action

Every time you put something in a box or suitcase, he takes it out and puts it right back 'where it belongs'

It causes you to leave to give Jake time to cool off

But all it does is make him grow more restless

What if you leave your stuff to haunt him?

Is that your plan?

To torture him for the rest of his life?

To make him regret every choice he's ever made?

By leaving your stuff behind, are you making sure he never forgets what he did?

Of course, eventually you do come back

With a moving crew

And Jake has to bite his cheek to stop from yelling at the random people taking away your stuff from it's home

It's rightful home

He spends every second of the move making comments, insulting the moving crew in hopes they would get fed up and leave

It didn't work

And to make things worse, you didn't talk to him at all

If you did, it was only to tell him you would be sending him the divorce papers soon

That made him walk away

He didn't want to talk about it, think about it, nothing

He outright refuses to sign the papers when they arrive

It takes you coming over to talk to him that he blows up, practically screaming at you that 'this is wrong, you should be with him, he can make you happy, he can be better'

You still tell him to sign and in a fit of rage, he does

He instantly regrets it as soon as you're gone

As soon as you walk away, it's like his breath is being taken right from his lungs

It's like you're taking it as you walk away

Along with his heart

He slowly falls to the floor, his eyes clouded with tears

And he cries

And cries

And cries

He throws himself into helping Steven and Marc, never giving himself time to think too long on anything but work

Eat breakfast, clean, go to work, eat lunch, go home, clean, eat dinner, sleep, repeat

It's when Steven starts fronting again that Jake finally starts to think

About you, about your marriage, about everything

And he finally goes through the 5 stages of grief

Well, the two stages of grief

He grows to hate you

That's what he tell Marc and Steven, at least

Every time they think about calling you or walking by your apartment in hopes of seeing you, he takes over

"They're a terrible, horrible person."

"They were just using us."

"They don't deserve to see us."

"I protected you, they didn't do shit."

"I will fix you."

"I will keep you safe."

He plays off his hate for you, your existence

But in actuality, he hates what you did to him

He hates that you tore down his walls and made a home in his heart

He hates that you made him care about anyone other than Marc and Steven

He hates that you made him feel safe and wanted

He hates that you did all of that just to leave

But he could never hate you

He still loves you more than anything

And as much as he wants to go crawling to your door and beg you to come back, he can't

You hurt Steven and Marc too and that's something he can't forgive

He's spent his entire existence taking care of them and he'll be damned if he stops now to chase his feelings

Jake goes back to hiding his feelings, prioritizing Steven and Marc over himself

He gets the body up, eats, showers, and goes to work

He makes sure Steven doesn't lose his job, he makes sure Marc doesn't die while fighting

He goes back to the shadows of the head space, only taking over when needed

And he's so unhappy

He's so sad

He's so broken

You broke him, just like you broke Steven and Marc

And he'll never forget it

( beta reader note : OUCHIE. :((( )

[pielove123clan]

Failure, for the OC thing!

Thanks for asking because I got that vampire autism and don't talk much about my ocs. The thing with my ocs though is I purposly leave them open-ended, im never done developing and changing them. I did all my ocs if you don't mind. The thing is, I need to give my ocs more trauma. I'm too nice with them. None of these are fandom related, their just general ocs in my head.

Question: What's your OC's greatest failure? Have they been able to move past it? Does anyone else know about it?

Aparna: She is an undead zombie housewife who can turn into a giant rabbit kaiju. I think her greatest failure is going to be going to sleep when moments before her huband was trying to reson out why she should let him kill her. She was opposed but her husband was able to talk Aparna down like, "Ok honey, this idea was kind of silly, Your right, I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. Let's go to bed." And then when she fell asleep, her husband killed her. No one else knows this and she's been trying to move past it, look on the bright side because the killing was done to make her 'immortal', it was just greatly delayed. I still need to do more research on how The Great Depression effected families.

Milicent: She is a woman made up of a bunch of centipedes but looks like a normal ass woman, just glossy. I need to give her a failure because killing people in a time when you were more controled by animal instincts and not fulling a conscious self doesn't feel like much of a failure to her. She just moves on like nothing every happened but she accepts that yeah, she did eat people. That was how she was before. She's not doing it anymore because she prefers engadging with not dead people, but she wouldn't care to do it. She'll tell her adopted child Fleshy when she's older.

Fleshy: Body horror child escaped experiment who is a living virus. Weird stuff I still need to write down fully. Her biggest failure is her existence because she was a mistake from the lab that made her. I think she's moved on fine so far but she's still young, still learning. Milicent is trying to teach her how to live in this human world while being true to her nature, im still trying to work out their dynamic. Milicent is doing her best but some of the stuff she's teaching is maybe questionable.

Fleshy has minor anger and violence issues actually. For example, if someone were to tease her, if they don't noticibly look bigger or stronger or if she knows she could get away with it, her immediate thought is "punishment" as in, she will punish the other person, just like the people at the lab did to her. That means hitting or trying to absorb them or their limbs, and she's ruthless. She's very shy and cowardly to juxtapose that and Milicent is trying to direct her to not solving situations like that with violence.

Marigold: She's an ecology student with a shovel that can dig holes to other dimensions. Letting her father vanish before she could completly say all she wanted to say to him. Before he had suddenly vanished, they had a verbal argument. What I'm working with now is that for some reason, the father is insisting on moving out just as Marigold got accepted to a local university. The day after while Marigold was gone from the house, the home was ransacked, her mother was beaten, and her father was no where to be seen. Im still working on lore for her. Long story short, she find the shovel and she's trying to find her father, the problem is she doesn't know what shes doing. No one knows about it. She used to be very social until her father went missing and her mother got transported to the hospital.

Zovasa: They are a vampire jumping spider person. I guess being easily bribed for their apperance? Because its a scay spider who seems to be around misfortune or bad events, people misinterpret them as the bad omen. It's in Zovasa's instincts and nature though to see misfortune sprits or demons and then suck their blood or ichor, or whatever magic demon juices are in there. But, if you thow Zovasa a bone or give Zovasa any sort of kindness that isn't hatred, that demon is free to do whatever in Zovasa's eyes. They get let off the hook. Zovasa doesn't see it as a failure, just that they'll go a little hungrier but its ok. Zovasa is alone so I guesss only the ones that bribe them know.

Cranberry: Gremlin bog otter cryptid. This thing has no thoughts in its head other than violence. The world is lucky that the Cranberry does not have highest intellect. We are all better off that way. I think the biggest failure is the creators of Cranberry have yet to find a way to control the Cranberry and weild them as force of destruction. A handful have tried only to die out of bloodloss from their fearsomely treacherous claws and mighty sharpened maws. Only few know of the Cranberry breeding lab under the bog.

Milly: Medical student in medical school studying to be a surgeon. How did she pay for medical school without the support of her parents? She signed a shady loan connected to a shady underground organ trafficing ring! That's her biggest failure so far and she can't move past it yet because she needs to work off that debt. She is pretty introverted so no one knows, im still playing around with the idea of Milicent, Milly, and Fleshy being a sort of found family and if that still sticks, Milicent would know and be there for her. Otherwise, I need to make Milly some friends.

Verdell: Haven't written much for him because hes relativly new but he will be a superhero oc, possibly influnced off tokusatsu stuff. He is Milly's brother and the much more favorited child in the family. It would be an easy cop out answer to say in his eyes, his greatest failure is not being able to help everyone while remaining in the spotlight and get that recogition. He does legitimately want to do good and help people but he's also a people pleaser and badly trying to over-compensate. He wants his good deeds to be seen, high praises sung in his honor, to be liked and widly revered worldwide. I don't think he's that subtile so if people wanted to really pay attention, he prioritizes what will give him more eyes, more fame in his heroic endevors. He feels the need to go higher and higher since birth because those high praises are what his family gave, he feels like he needs to live up to that severely. Experimenting on making him Marigold's housemate after the vanishing of her father.

Bake: My tanuki oc! She doesn't see herself as having any major failure in her life but for the most part all she thinks about is eatting and survival as a wild animal, and whatever would get her interest at any given moment. She's a younger character with no role model figure or adult figure in her life. She's really alone. Given her attitude as an animal, has little empathy for others experiences or feelings about death other than a dead thing should stay dead. I think her biggest failure is that she doesn't have any real goals or ambition, no actual reason to strive for continued exsistance other than for survival sake. She just exist, wandering around. She might be depressed but she doesn't know it, because she naps quite a bit. She also really doesn't have any morals unless its just, "This thing will get me killed so don't do that." or "There's food there, food is important for survival. I will take it." Id like to write her more but I get self conscious.

Malinda: This giant red and black spikey dragon. In her eyes, her biggest failure is not getting out of her cave and murdering the king yet because they keep sending these knights to her cave in order to steal from her horde of items. She has a personal vendetta against this one specific king but she can't be bothered yet to take care of it, she's procrastinating. I think her biggest failure is sort of being a hermit and shutting herself off from things. She's a very neutral dragon, almost passive with how much she doesn't care unless something really rouses her. She's just as likely to join a hero's party as much as she is to join the demon lord, its whoever gets to her first and impresses her the most. It's depending on her company how she'll develop.

Lily: My self-insert oc. The easiest way I can describe her species is wolf tulpa person. She specifically has an identity crisis. I made her to try and get through my own trauma and digest it without attacking myself. Wolves are known for their packs and undying loyalty so betraying or deserting them is treason no matter what. She is activly running away from her problems by going around by herself in an RV. She is not able to move past them and that's a major part of her character. She's trying but activly, when she tries to go with other people, to have fun and move past it, feelings kind of consume her. Even one slip up and she gets all scared and withdrawn. She has SAD or Social Anxiety Disorder when she never had that before. She internalizes her greatest failure a lot, the failure to stay and protect the ones she loves and cares about, then seeing them seemingly get corrupted by a miasma right before her eyes, or that dillusion in her part? I purposly make it vauge. I think about Knight Of Despair when thinking about her sometimes. I need to write her but its like staring at a mirror. I can't do it for too long but I'd like to.

[minusgangtime]

The apocalyptic kitty crew bios 3:

“As long as I’m smiling,you’ll never know how a truly feel,and you’ll NEVER get to me.~”

Name: temp

Age: 20

Status: immune

Feeling: unknown

Bio: in the early days of the apocalypse,when temp first chased and wiped out infected,as he saw his blood stained hands,he broke down..it was then he decided to toughen himself up. So he made himself a persona of a psychotic unfeeling demonic cat man,he put so much of him in this persona that he began to genuinely belive it,he lost his shyness,his stutter and his phobia of blood,but he forgot about what TRULY made him happy..

“I’m sorry I..I’m not helpful anymore..I’m just a burden..”

Name: sunny

Age: 20

Status: healthy

Feeling: depressed

Bio: sunny was actually handling the dark plague fairly well,until one event,sunny and simba were out getting good but when they were heading back,they were ambushed by zombies,sunny pulled out a weapon from his bag,a grenade. But not dulling getting the distance between him and the zombies,it hit both of them. It blew up the zombies but also bit sunny,he was immediately knocked unconscious,but luckily,simba was there to catch him. When he came back home he made a horrific discovery,he was covered in burn mark injuries,and the grenade had greatly crippled his sight in hearing,making his sight very blurry and his hearing fade out when things get too loud. Now he just stays in his room,feeling absolutely worthless.

“Face the wrath of the new god of PRIDE!”

Name: simba

Age: 20

Status: healthy

Feeling: neutral

Bio: like simba,he handled the apocalypse well,using a pocket knife to fend off against infected. After the accident he became paranoid about not being strong enough to protect his family. One day,he stumbled on the wishing flower from equestria,he then got an idea,he made a wish saying “I wish to be granted the powers of panis magicake.” And it granted his wish,turning into panisimbacake once more,but keeping his mental sanity. He uses his new powers for good to defend his family,he had learned to feel no fear from magic,so he doesn’t feel anything bad from using his chaotic magic.

“I’m..so weak..but I gotta keep going..”

Name: Herb

Age: 20

Status: infected (stage 5 of zombie virus)

Feeling: hopeful

Bio: from the first attack herb got bitten and infected by a zombie. Fearing the worse,shelby cast a protection spell on his brain so it wouldn’t turn her completely,everyone assumed if she WOULD turn into a zombie,her decay would stop at some point..they were wrong..over the next five months her health gradually decreased,when she hit the fifth stage she collapsed,her infection was dealing critical damage to her vital organs..she would’ve died..if it wasn’t for periwinkle. He found her and called for help,shelby gave herb a shot of a magic vaccine,this restored her organs enough for her to be revived,the vaccine isn’t enough to cure her,but it keeps her from getting any more damage,it lasts a day,so she has to shoot it in her arm every day. For the next year and a half she spent her time adapting to this change. While also finding a sense of her own hope.~

“I!..will not!..succumb to you!!!..”

Name: seasalt

Age: 20

Status: infected (stage 2 of corruption infection.)

Feeling: exhausted

Bio: seasalt lasted a while in the apocalypse,until lamina suddenly went missing. After midnight and crest went to look for her,though she was scared,she couldn’t leave the kids alone to deal with a potential threat. That’s when she saw it..lamina had been corrupted. Seasalt took a hit from kamina to protect the stunned kids,getting a scratch on her eye,getting her infected. Still,she fought with lamina through song and managed to free her. However,the consequences were felt..every couple of days..Seasalt got nagging voices in her head to submit to her corruption,she dies her best to fight it off,but the process has left her exhausted,still,she tries to appear “normal”.

“We’ll get through this. We always do.”

Name: lavender

Age: 20

Status: healthy

Feeling:neutral

Bio: lavender has stayed inside the entire apocalypse,she knew if she dared go outside,she could have the HIGH chance of getting killed,or infected. So instead,she studied the infected,and the stages that her family suffered. She grew apathetic to the world and just grew used to writing the logs in a journal she called her diary. She usually only reprimands the crew when they do something stupid.

“FACE MY FIERY WRATH!!!”

Name: blaze

Age: 20

Status: healthy

Feeling:determined

Bio: once blaze gained permission to go to town on the infected,she didn’t waste time. Every time she goes,she brings a new weapon,though swords and flamethrowers are her favorite. Lavender commonly criticizes her for being so careless,often pointing to her accidental self inflicted scars,but she dosent care,often saying “I don’t care what you say,I AM protecting this family no matter what!” She also always makes sure she’s prepared,using her room as a gym to practice slices,shots and d dodges to make sure the infected don’t get close to her. Despite lavender chewing her out,she still loves her sister and her entire family,but she’s getting worried about lavender’s increasing apathy.

“I may be infected. But I don’t regret getting infected,I was just helping my sister.”

Name: snow

Age: 20

Status: infected (stage 1 of glitch infection.)

Feeling: brave.

Bio: snow was doing really well into apocalypse,however,it would be his own empathy that got him infected. One fateful day,he heard midnight crying over missing her papa. When snow tried wiping away her glitchy tears,he yelped as his hand became a glitchy claw. It was then the crew discovered that a glitch infected tears or blood could spread the infection if touched. Yet snow didn’t regret it,as he was only helping his baby sister. From that point on,he dedicated himself to better understand his glitchy hand. He will often assist others with fending off infected with his glitchy claw.

“Leave me be..wake me,when I’m dead..”

Name: nightfall

Age: 20

Status: healthy

Feeling: tired/depressed

Bio: from the beginning,when herb got infected,nightfall couldn’t handle everything. So he just stayed in his room and refused to ever leave,his thought process being if he dosent see this depressing reality,it dosent exist.he refuses to acknowledge it and prefers to sleep and live in his dream world when he’s not sleeping..he’s just..crying until he falls asleep,the others have to bring food to him,luckily he still looks to be eating the food.

“I give up..I don’t care anymore..”

Name: galaxy

Age: 20

Status: immune

Feeling: numb

Bio: similar to pinkie,she tried being optimistic and positive,but at one point,she broke..and when she did,she lost all willpower to live and reason to care,and when she did,her colors became more grey,its theorized that it’s a result of the magic that gives her her human form. She mostly just stays in her room,only occasionally going out to shower or eat,she mostly stares out the window blankly,her nails have grown sharp from not trimming them.

-mod shelby

((Almost) everyone is sad :()

[originemesis]

@micsmasmuses cont. from xxx

“Rebound? That doesn’t sound fun Adam that sounds really depressing” he makes a face as he explains it. Hit it and quit it? Doesn’t that get lonely? He’s not going to ask him that considering Adam would probably with make fun of him or something about his dick. He doesn’t want to hear about that again. Now he just keeps confusing him, how is that a normal thing? Shaking his head he can only sigh in response. “We’re not going to LA I can tell you that, but let me guess you’re sneaking down there with that girl you’re always with? She like your girlfriend or something?” He asks trying not to feel jealous. He really shouldn’t be he made these choices a long time ago despite not really wanting to. He had more fun with the other male during their time in the garden than with his ex wife. But with him now in front of him and that itchy trigger finger at his jaw he lets him go once Adam makes a move.

He watches him take it off, curiously tilting his head he wonders how much of him changed over the years but those thoughts stop the moment he sees why didn’t want to take off the mask. He frowns disappointed with himself, he thought he was just being an asshole as always about it. But noting the freckles he remembers those, he missed those. But then he can’t help himself as his hand gently caresses over his cheek, concern over his features as his thumb runs gently under his tired eyes, feeling the dampness. “I… Adam sweetheart…” he says softly, he hates he’s too much of a man to tell him about this stuff. Can’t humans be open with their feelings? But he gets it if he doesn’t want to talk about it. “I can leave, we don’t have to do this. I’m sorry I know I can be demanding I just didn’t know… if I’m the last person you want to see I can go.”

"Yeah, and? You're really depressing. Total mood murder. Doesn't stop me." Clearly. Depression was just a conspiracy theory anyway- yet another made up lie from the hell spawns. They certainly loved their made up words, so it wasn't any wonder that their overlord (or was it under5ftlord-) did too.

"Ohh? No LA? And just where the hell did you plan on going to find all the fun weirdos filming their little tik-toks in the streets, then? You want some nice little quiet dinner date at Subway then choke down a foot long in the parking lot? " Scoffing, he'd riled himself up fairly well before the removing of his mask. So it only made the bristled ends of his dour demeanor a little more sharp now that he was suddenly exposed.

"She's not-..." He started, a grumble in his chest like swallowed gravel. A shake of his head helped prop the bent angle of chestnut hair a little higher- hardly different than a rooster about to raise an alarm, though his tone seemed too weighed down to the task now that he didn't have his voice projector helping him with the effort needed to be an insufferable fuck. "-she's my lieutenant, dude. Y'know...angelic army branch? The exorcists?? Ring any bells?" The dimmed face of the mask hanging by his side had its signature shit eating smile on stand by, but he merely swung it lightly by the horn still, unable to manifest the manic mood quite literally programmed into the thing.

He'd reached up halfway through his monotone rambling, aiming to grind the ball of his palm at the corner of an eye- as if the pressure in doing so might liven up the forgotten nerves, but the first fallen beat him to it, though a thumb tracing the dark coloration of deep tear troughs was hardly stimulating enough to spark a flash of much else other than a glassy stare and eventually a slow blink.

"She's busy uh...fucking some mid dude tonight or something. Said she might-" A pause punctuated the recollection, and the next words to fall were what caused the flatline of his gaze to stir with something- a thin layer of something, and it was damp. "-not come back. So-" He shook his head to try and free his chin from the careful grasp, though the effort was about as strong as a fledgling facing a hurricane. "I kinda don't want to be here to see if... y'know- she doesn't." He'd already had to watch two of them do that already. And now dude here was about to head out too- he opened his mouth, teeth flashing white and surprisingly flat, but grazing sharper words that invited a quaver to his voice just to handle them properly.

"-the fuck's wrong with me anyway, dude?"

[guildtree]

Hi! This is going to be a big ventpost/diary entry/bid for understanding/I don't even know. It's me needing to get thoughts out of my head and into words basically. If you're not in the mood for that and just want more Guild Wars memes, fair enough, keep scrolling, I hope you have a lovely day.

For the rest of you brave souls:

One thing nobody told me about depression, or even recovering from a depressive episode, is that it totally fucks with your emotional regulation. For me at least, being depressed was not sadness per se but numbness. I think it's formally called anhedonia, I call it robot mode, but there's a point where the stress and pain gets too much and my brain simply says, "Enough," and hits the off-switch on all my emotions. I can't feel sadness, I can't feel anger, I can't feel joy. There was a period of a few years where my emotional range went from 'mildly pleased' to 'exhausted.' I've had friends and family tell me they could see a marked difference in how I acted during my lowest point, from having flat facial expressions to losing my sense of humor to being tired all the time. Robot mode is a serious shift in brain function.

Of course, now that I'm recovering from this I can feel the full range of emotion. Which is great! And... also not so great. Because the full range of emotion includes happiness, but it also includes anger and fear and jealousy and true crying sadness, all of which I seem to have forgotten how to handle. (Or maybe I never learned, since I was at least mildly depressed during what a psychologist might call a 'critical phase of development'.) A relative says something rude while I'm stressed and suddenly I want to punch them where before it would have slid off my back. I startle easily when a big truck zooms by, where before I would walk across a busy street without looking first because I simply didn't care. Sometimes it feels like I'm flipping through a photo album of different emotions, slowly remembering how to process one only for another to fly right out of left field.

Right now it's loneliness. There have been a lot of changes for me in the past two years, some because of outside circumstances and others because of choices I made to help myself feel better. I know I made the right decisions, but even good change leads to losing things, and I've lost contact with a lot of my friends at this point. I'm going to have to rebuild my social network all over again, which is a scary and painful and lonely process, and ironically I actually feel more sad from that because I'm not depressed. Sometimes having emotions feels more like a curse.

I think I have to remember the good parts of it too. Yes, I can feel happiness again, and a sunrise brings me peace instead of dread now, but also even the "negative" emotions have their place. Anger is what kept me alive. I'll often say that I'm still around mostly out of sheer spite, and it's true: a real breakthrough for me was realizing, "Hey, it's not my fault I'm hurting, it's the fault of an illness and the rest of the world being shitty", getting mad about it, and deciding to fight back. Fear keeps me from doing stupid things and in a sense leads to pride - because to be proud of yourself for stepping outside your comfort zone, you have to have an 'outside the comfort zone' to begin with. I'm starting to think the point of loneliness may be to push me to seek connection with others - the feeling that I need other people, that I hurt without them, has led me to be more vulnerable with others than I normally would, something that has generally turned out better than I expected.

I feel things now. I feel a lot of things now. It's scary and it's beautiful and it's overwhelming and I love it and I hate it and I'm so so glad I can. The world deserves more than robot-me. I deserve to be more than robot-me. Maybe someday I'll figure out happiness, but for now I'll take embracing the chaos as a substitute.

[thehandworld]

Angstober - Day 10 - Humiliation @angstober

Yamamoto Takeshi looked down at his hand, as the Rain Vongola Ring weighed on his finger, he had a duty to fulfill, protect his friends, protect his loved ones, protect his family. The Decimo Vongola Rain Guardian, the Left-Hand Man. Whatever the title was. He had a duty.

When the school year started and he was in a different class from Tsuna and Gokudera, he didn't mind it. After all, it was normal, and they would still see each other during breaks so, he wasn't sad about it. What he didn't expect was to end up in a class where his bullies were.

Sure Yamamoto was "the" popular sports boy, where he had a fan club dedicated to his achievements in baseball, but that also meant a lot of guys were jealous of him for having all the girl's attention. And because of the Rain Guardian's easy-going personality, it was easy to pick up on him.

Although it was remarks of a darker time, Yamamoto just brushed it off, he knew one time or another, someone was going to pick up on him because he tried to suicide. The comments or the small notes left in his things about how it was better off if he died that day or how the guys pushed him when they were walking in the corridor.

He didn't mind at all, after all, he had his friends, he had his family, he had a duty to fulfill, and he had his favorite sport! Yamamoto Takeshi was still playing baseball and enjoying it, so he was fine.

They were picking on him about things that were only related to him, and quite honestly he expected that suicide wasn't very well seen and people didn't understand why he would try it, since he had everything. When in reality Yamamoto Takeshi was someone who was depressed and suffered from a lack of self-worth.

But he didn't let that hit him, he had friends, he had a family that loved and cared about him. So he kept his head high, enduring the bullying as much as possible. Until one day...

Some of his classmates figured out that Yamamoto had a big crush on Gokudera Hayato, so the Rain Guardian was getting inside the cafeteria when he saw a commotion, his classmates were around one pissed Storm Guardian who was there just to grab something to eat.

"Hey, Gokudera would you date Yamamoto?"

Yamamoto blinked as his eyes widen, he never said anything to Gokudera, and for a fucking reason! Gokudera was aromatic and asexual! Not only he was part of the Vongola, but it would be troublesome for their boss if they suddenly couldn't work together! As the color disappears from his face.

He wanted to leave before the humiliation he was feeling got worse, but as people were blocking his way, he couldn't help but hear the Storm's answer.

"Why would I? I don't like people."

Everyone looked to Yamamoto, which made Gokudera also look at what people were looking at, as their eyes met, the Storm could see the humiliation, the hurt, and the sad hitting the Rain. Before Yamamoto pushed everyone and ran away.

Not looking back, he felt humiliated, he felt hurt, and that was more than he could handle, not even knowing how he would face Gokudera later, he ran. Jumping over the wall and going straight home, he zoomed over his father and went to his room, locking the door, shoving his desk over the door, closing the window as he hid in the closet.

He took his clothes off and took a blade to then start to cut into his thighs, hopping the pain would help in calm down, but his hands were shaking too much making worse cuts, yet he didn't mind as he just needed to focus in something else than the humiliation that he felt.

His crush was exposed to the whole school, he was rejected in front of the whole school, and now he had to deal with the public humiliation he took, as well as dealing with how he was going to face Gokudera. That... Was too much.