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harknessxo · 28 days ago

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Love Is Embarrassing

Paring: Therapist!Agatha Harkness x Fem!reader

Summary: Your girlfriend, Kate, broke up with you and you decided it’s time to get a therapist before you fall down a spiral you can’t get out of.

Warnings; break up, mention of depression, ED, anxiety, manipulation, dubcon, dumbification, fingering, sort of dark!Agatha.

Word Count: 4.6k

A/n: So I did make this fem character based on me a little bit (no I didn’t have an ed I promise I’m fine). I hope it makes sense and you guys like it!

“Kate, please! Don’t leave…I need you!” You begged your girlfriend through the phone as tears ran down your cheeks.

“I’m sorry Y/n, but it’s over.” Then she hung up. Your phone fell from your hand as your whole body started to tremble. Your mouth fell open with a silent sob as you let her words echo in your mind.

It’s over.

How could she do this to you? You damn near gave up everything for her and she couldn’t even bother to break up with you face-to-face. You even came out to your mother for her only for her to leave you because she couldn’t come out to hers. How could you be so stupid?

Your attachment issues had made you blind in so many relationships which always led to you getting taken advantage of at the end. You should have known better. You knew it was dangerous how attached you had gotten to her in such a short amount of time yet you brushed it off telling yourself she was the one. That she was different. That she wouldn’t hurt you. Jesus, what were you even doing? And now it doesn’t mean a thing.

You sobbed into your pillow as you let sleep take over. This was the final nail in the coffin. You had lost the last person in your life that kept you going. If you didn't do something to get yourself out, you were most definitely going to get completely lost in a spiral…again.

The next morning you woke up with a pounding headache. You got up and slowly walked into the kitchen of your one bedroom apartment to take some advil. As you opened your fridge to get water your eyes diverted to the business card stuck to the door with a magnet. Your college counselor gave it to you a while ago. It had the number to a therapist she had suggested you called. You didn’t listen to her before but now you could definitely use a therapist.

After you took advil, you took the card and your phone and took a seat on your couch. You typed in the number and made the call.

“Good morning, how can I help you?” A sweet secretary answered.

“Good morning um…I was hoping to make an appointment with Dr…” you read the name on the card, “Harkness?”

“Of course. Give me one second while I look at the opening she has.”

“Okay…” you waited patiently.

“…She has an opening tomorrow at 12:30. Is that alright with you?”

“Yes, that’s perfect actually.”

“Great. We’ll see you tomorrow, then. Goodbye.”

“Bye,” you hung up, “I hope this helps,” you said to yourself.

The next day rolled around rather fast, and soon you were sitting in the lobby of Dr. Harkness’s building, nervously waiting for your name to be called out. You fidgeted with your hands and bounced your knee trying to get over your overbearing anxiety.

Eventually, the secretary called your name and led you down a hall. She led you into a nice, spacious room. She then closed the door behind you, leaving you alone, well alone with Dr. Harkness. There was a leather couch with a matching chair across from it, there was a coffee table in between the two with fidget toys on it, and in the corner of the room was a decent sized desk with a laptop, where Agatha sat typing away.

“Um, hi…” you said nervously. Agatha looked up from her laptop, her dark blue eyes locking onto yours. She looked you up and down before giving you a small smile.

“Hello there. You must be Y/n. Please, take a seat.” She gestured to the couch. You quickly walked over and took a seat on the couch. She sat down across from you with a notepad on her lap. She scanned you for a second, taking you in and noticing your fidgety hands.

“Those are for you to use, hon,” she said referring to the fidgets on the table, “You don’t have to be scared to use them. Here,” she handed you a one. You shyly took it from her.

“Thank you. I just…this is a first for me and I didn’t know what to expect.” She gave you a reassuring smile, taking in how nervous you were. She was starting to feel a strange attraction towards you.

“Don’t worry, hon. This is a safe place. Just relax. I’m here to help you, not judge you.”

“Okay…” She jotted something down in her notebook, still keeping a small smile on her face.

“Alright, what brings you in today?”

“…Me and my girlfriend, well now ex-girlfriend Kate, broke up two days ago and I felt like I needed to do something before I spiraled.” She hummed, writing down more notes in her notebook. Her eyes darted from the paper to you, studying you closely as you spoke.

“I see. How did your relationship with her end? If you don’t mind me asking, of course.”

“She said that she wanted to come out to her mom because she hadn’t and pushed me to do the same. My mom reacted negatively in a way I didn’t expect and when I looked for her comfort she broke up with me. I’m guessing she got scared.” She hummed again, still writing in her notebook. She could already see the damage your past relationships had done to you.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, dear. It sounds like she left you in a very vulnerable state. But I have to ask, how long were you two together?”

“Nine months…she was my first girlfriend.”

“First girlfriend huh? Why now, if I may?”

“Well I realized I liked women late in life and I couldn’t really be open about it because I didn’t know how my mom would react so I hid that part of me by dating men.”

“I see. Did any of them make you happy?”

“I…I don’t know. They were all very sweet at first but after we had sex, they all sort of distanced themselves- I thought Kate would be different.” She was starting to see a pattern here. You became incredibly vulnerable to the first person who showed you affection, to the point where they were able to walk all over you. You clearly were easy to manipulate.

“Okay. I just have some more questions. Is that okay?”

“Yeah that’s okay.”

“How was your relationship with your mother?”

“It was a bit rocky. She was good to me when I was younger but as I grew up she became my bully a bit. She would criticize my appearance and my weight which caused me to get an eating disorder. Then she kinda just…stopped.” She raised an eyebrow as you spoke, scribbling down a few more notes in her book. Her eyes then glanced up at you, studying your appearance for a second. Your body type was fairly small, it was clear that you had been dealing with a lot of mental health issues for a long time.

“I’m so truly sorry this happened to you. Was she the only cause or were there other factors that went into it?”

“One of my breakups was the tip of the iceberg. My mental health got really bad and I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything. My mom had to take me to the hospital after she found me passed out due to dehydration.”

Her eyes widened at that. This was even worse than she thought. You were truly so vulnerable. Mommy issues, attachment issues and an eating disorder. She made a mental note to herself to check up on that and any other possible disorders.

“You poor thing. How long ago was that?”

“Uhh I think a year now? My memory has been kind of fuzzy after that.” She looked up at you with a mixture of shock and concern on her face. It was no wonder why you were having such a hard time getting over Kate. You clearly didn’t know how to handle yourself on your own. You were too broken and you didn’t even know it.

“Have you ever been diagnosed with anything, dear?”

“Depression.”

“Just depression?” She couldn’t shake the suspicion that there was more than just depression. Her eyes scanned your body again, looking for more indicators of what was going on with you.

“Um…anxiety as well- how could I forget about that,” you chuckled awkwardly looking down at the fidget in your hands. She could tell you were getting nervous again. She gave you a small smile and leaned forward slightly.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright, sweetie. You’re safe here, remember?”

“Right…” She continued to watch you, taking in how easily nervous you were getting. She could practically hear your thoughts and could tell that you were getting overwhelmed.

“I’m not going to hurt you, darling. I just want to help you.” She chose to take a seat right next to you, leaving only a small space between the two of you. She would have never done this with any of her patients but you…you were just so helpless. She could be the one to help you.

As she sat down right next to you, your heart began to race in your chest. You could smell her perfume, a sweet, floral scent that invaded your senses. She gave you a reassuring smile as she reached up and gently placed her hand over yours.

“I um,” you took your hand away from hers, “I don’t think this is really working for me-“ She gently grabbed your wrist, her grip surprisingly strong as she prevented you from moving away from her. She chuckled lightly, her eyes locked on yours with a hint of something behind them.

“Now now, darling. We’ve barely even started. I promise you’ll start feeling better soon.”

For the following weeks you were in her office an embarrassing amount of times. She had even given you her phone number just so you had someone to talk to in case something happened. She was truly helping you, and like always, her sweet gestures blinded your judgment. See she just wanted to take care of you but she couldn’t do so if you weren’t hers so she started using her manipulation skills to work.

She began to slowly manipulate you into trusting her more and more. Whenever you were upset, she would be the one to make you feel better. She always comforted you, listened to you and gave you whatever you needed. She slowly started giving you small ‘gifts’ to make you feel appreciated and accomplished. It didn’t take long for her to have you completely under her control.

“Kate texted me last night…” you told her as you sat in her office once again. As soon as you had walked into her office, she could already tell something was wrong. She motioned for you to sit down as she looked up from her computer with fake concern to mask the anger bubbling up. How dare she text you after what she did?

“She did?”

“Yeah…she said she wanted to meet up and talk.” you took a fidget into your hands. Her jaw clenched slightly at your words. She couldn’t believe the nerve that girl had. She didn’t have the right to talk to you after what she did. You were her’s now and only her’s.

“And what did you say?”

“That I would think about it. I don’t really know what to make of the situation.” You mumbled. She leaned back in her chair, trying to contain her anger as she spoke to you. She couldn’t show you how pissed she was, you’d be suspicious if she did.

“You’re not actually considering meeting with her, are you?”

“I don’t know yet. I do miss her-“ She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her desk and her chin on her hands. Her eyes bore into yours, almost looking like they were staring straight into your soul.

“You miss her? Even after what she did to you?”

“Maybe she realized what she did-“ she chuckled softly at your reply, finding it almost laughable how naive you were. But that was why she loved you. You were such an easy target. So malleable and submissive. All she had to do was put the thoughts into your head and you would eat them up like it was second nature to you.

“You really think that she’s capable of changing her mind?”

“What should I do, doctor?” you said, finally making eye contact. She smiled at you, knowing that she had you right where she wanted you. You were vulnerable and needy, just like a little puppy. You were just begging to be told what to do.

“I think you should listen to your heart, darling. Do you really think it’s a good idea to go back to someone who hurt you?”

“N-no…” She could practically see the inner turmoil in your mind. You were struggling with your feelings. Part of you wanted to meet up with Kate while the other part of you knew that it was a bad idea.

“Good girl. I’m glad you’re making the right choice.”

“What should I text her then?” She smirked as you asked her what to text Kate. It was almost too easy to get you to rely on her. You needed her so badly that you didn’t even think about making your own decisions anymore.

“Why don’t you just tell her you’re not interested? That you’re not going to see her anymore and that you’re happy without her?”

“Yeah…it’s probably for the best.” You took out your phone and started typing away. She watched you intently as you typed the message. She knew that this was the beginning of her victory. Once you finally blocked Kate, you’d be hers forever.

“I sent it.” You announced, handing your phone over to her so she could read the message. She took the phone from you and read the message you sent to Kate. She smirked again, proud of you for doing exactly as she said.

“Good girl. She’ll get the message and leave you alone for good now.” The praise brought a smile to your face. You felt so safe around Agatha. It was only after the second session that she told you to call her by her first name but you liked calling ‘doctor’. She was filling in the void all your ex partners and mother had left inside you.

She smiled back at you, noticing how the praise made you smile. It was so easy to make you feel good and give you a little validation. All she had to do was say a few words and you were putty in her hands. She had you exactly where she wanted you, under her control and at her mercy.

“What now? Do I block her number?” You said, unsure if it was necessary. She placed your phone on the table and stood up from her chair, walking around the table and over to you. She sat right next to you, putting an arm over your shoulders and bringing you closer to her.

“Yes, sweet girl. You need to block her number so that she can’t contact you again.”

“R-right,” you shamelessly snuggling closer to her, enjoying her warmth, “Can you do it for me? Please?”

She chuckled as you snuggled closer to her. She wrapped her arm tighter around you, pulling you even closer against her. She could tell how needy you were, desperate for any kind of affection.

“Of course I can, darling. Anything for you.” She took your phone and began to go through your contacts to find Kate’s number. Once she found it, she blocked the number and set your phone down again.

“I like being here with you. It makes all my nerves calm and the voices in my head telling me how I’m not enough go quiet,” you looked up at her, “Is that a bad thing?”

She smiled as you told her how you felt around her. It was exactly what she wanted to hear. She loved that you found comfort in her presence and the fact that you came to her for comfort instead of anyone else.

“Of course it’s not a bad thing, sweetheart. You should always feel safe and comfortable around me.”

“But…you’re my therapist.” She hummed in agreement, gently running her fingers through your hair as she continued to hold you close to her. Her grip on you was firm and possessive, almost as if she was claiming you as hers.

“Yes, I am your therapist, but I also care about you. I want to see you happy and I want to help you feel better.”

“What happens if someone finds out? Wouldn’t you lose your job? I don’t want you to lose your job-” you started to ramble on. She gently shushed you, her fingers still playing with your hair as she looked down at you. She knew that you were worried about the consequences of your relationship, but she didn’t care. She was too invested in you now.

“Don’t worry about that, sweetheart. I’ll make sure no one finds out. This is just between us, alright?” You were too deep in thought to reply so she nodded your head for you as if you were too dumb to do it on your own. You were so cute when you got all quiet and submissive like this. She could tell that you were practically melting in her hands, unable to think for yourself without her guidance.

“Good girl, you’re such a good listener. Maybe you deserve a reward.” Your eyes lit up at the word.

“A reward?” She smiled, amused by your reaction. She could tell how excited you were just from the mention of a reward. It was adorable how easy it was to manipulate you with simple words and gestures.

“Mhm. Do you want a reward, hon?”

“Yes, please!” She chuckled again, moving her hand from your hair to gently tilt your chin up so that you were looking at her. She looked down at you with a smirk on her face, her eyes dark and filled with desire.

“Good. Now let mommy make you feel good.” She pulled away only to push you down on the sofa, making you lay down while she straddled your hips.

“Mommy?” Your eyebrows frowned trying to understand what was happening. What was she doing? Why did she call herself mommy? God you were truly dumb. She leaned down, pinning your wrists above your head as she sat on your lap. She smirked as she looked down at you, watching the confusion and innocence on your face.

“That’s right, darling. I’m mommy and you’re my good little girl.”

“I-“ Before you could protest, she silenced you with a kiss, moving her lips against yours before shoving her tongue in your mouth. She dominated the kiss, her tongue exploring every inch of your mouth. She pressed her body against yours, wanting to be as close to you as possible. She could feel your body beneath hers, the way you trembled and squirmed under her.

She roughly took off her doctor coat and shirt, leaving herself in just a bra and jeans. She started working on your clothes, taking off your jacket, sweatpants and bra. She took one of your breasts in her mouth, making you suck in your breath. Your thoughts were going one hundred miles per hour but you couldn’t find the words to tell her to stop. This could be your way of paying her back for all that she’s done for you. If you do as she asked then she wouldn’t leave you.

She took her time with you, her mouth moving from your breast to your neck. She left a trail of kisses and bite marks down your neck and across your collarbone, marking you as hers.

“God, you’re so beautiful, doll. You’re all mine, you understand?”

“I understand,” she raised her eyebrow, unsatisfied with your answer, “…mommy,” you finished. She smiled, clearly enjoying the way the word rolled off your tongue. She loved hearing you call her that, loved knowing that you were submitting to her and accepting her role as your dominant.

“That’s my good girl. You’re learning so well.” She began to kiss down your chest, moving further and further down your body.

“Wait!” you pushed her off a bit, leaning on your elbows, “What if someone walks in?” She sighed, clearly annoyed that you had interrupted her. She sat up, straddling your hips once more as she looked down at you.

“I told you, no one will find out. I locked the door, so there’s no chance of anyone coming in and seeing us.”

“S-sorry,” tears welled up in your eyes at her tone. You didn’t mean to make her upset. Now she probably didn’t want you anymore. She softened slightly as she saw the tears in your eyes. She reached out and gently wiped away a tear that was falling down your cheek.

“Shh, it’s alright, sweetheart. Don’t cry. I’m not mad at you, I just don’t want to be interrupted. Understand?”

“I understand, mommy. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” She smiled at your response, cupping your cheek, her thumb gently rubbing against your skin.

“I know you didn’t, pet. Just try to be quiet for mommy, alright? Can you do that for me? Can you be a good girl?”

“Mhm!” She chuckled, leaning down to capture your lips in another kiss. She slowly started to grind her hips against yours, creating a delicious friction between your bodies. Her hand slowly moved down your body until she reached the waistband of your panties. She played with it slightly before moving her hand completely under the fabric and dipping her fingers into your wetness. She smirked against your lips as she felt how wet you were already. She teased your entrance, her fingers tracing slow circles around your clit.

“So wet for me already, doll. You’re so needy.” You whined against her lips, your cheeks turning red and your hands gripping onto her biceps. She chuckled again, her smirk growing wider as she felt your grip on her biceps. She loved how responsive you were to her touch, how easy it was to turn you into a whining mess.

“Aw, are you getting desperate, baby girl?”

“More, please?” She hummed, her fingers continuing to tease you, but never quite giving you what you wanted.

“More what, pet? You have to be more specific.”

“I want…” your face flushed even more, “your fingers…inside.” You looked so cute asking for what you wanted so timidly. She gently bit down on your bottom lip before pulling away to speak.

“Good girl, being honest with mommy.” She slowly slipped two fingers inside you, curling them upwards and starting to pump them in and out of you at a slow pace. You gasped when her fingers entered you, keeping your eyes on hers as her fingers hit that spongy spot inside of you. She watched your face intently, watching every expression that crossed your features. She picked up the pace, her fingers moving faster and deeper as she started to rub your clit with her thumb.

“C-close-“ She chuckled softly, her fingers never slowing down as she felt your walls clenching around her fingers.

“Already? You’re so sensitive, baby. Such a good little slut for mommy.”

“Can I, mommy?” She smiled, her fingers still working relentlessly inside you.

“Can you what, sweetheart? Use your words, be a good girl and ask nicely.”

“Can I c-cum, please, mommy?” you asked desperately, not being able to hold it any longer. She hummed, pretending to think about it for a moment, just to see you squirm and beg more.

“Go ahead, baby girl. Cum for me. Let mommy hear you.”

“Thank you!” you moaned loudly as your orgasm washed over you. Your legs trembled around her hand as you dug your nails into her arms. As you closed your eyes and tried to catch your breath, Agatha took the opportunity to take your phone and take a picture of your fucked out form. Your lips parted, bite marks all over your neck and chest, and your hair sticking to your sweaty forehead, all while her fingers remained inside you. After she took the picture, she unblocked Kate, sent the picture and then blocked her again. Now she would for sure leave you alone.

She set the phone back down on the table, a satisfied smirk on her face as she looked down at you. She slowly pulled her fingers out of you, bringing them up to her mouth and licking them clean, moaning softly at the taste of you.

“You look so beautiful when you’re all messy like this, baby.” If your face wasn’t already red before it definitely was now. Then you noticed she was still wearing most of her clothes and started feeling a bit self conscious. She chuckled as she noticed your face growing redder.

“What’s wrong, baby? Are you feeling shy now?” She asked teasingly, her eyes roaming over your naked body, taking in every inch of you.

“It’s just…why are you still in your clothes?” She chuckled, placing her hands on your thighs, her thumbs rubbing small circles against your skin.

“Because this was about making you feel good.”

“But I want to make you feel good too.” She chuckled again, leaning down to kiss your forehead.

“You will, sweetheart. But you’re the priority now.” You frowned in disappointment but nodded either way. She gently lifted your chin with her finger, making you look up at her.

“Don’t pout, baby girl. You’ll make mommy feel good soon enough just not today. Let’s get your clothes back on, okay?”

“Okay.” She helped you put your clothes back on as if you were a child before standing up to put her shirt and coat back on.

“Have you eaten or drank anything today, hon?”

“Um…” you remained quiet. Truth was you hadn’t and Agatha had been on your ass since your first session to keep up with nourishing yourself. You forgot…again. She sighed, her expression turning slightly stern as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“You forgot to eat and drink again, didn’t you?”

“I’m sorry! I got distracted by Kate’s text. That’s the only thing I could think about all day.” She clicked her tongue in disapproval, shaking her head slightly.

“You need to start taking better care of yourself, Y/n. I’ve told you countless times that you need to eat and drink regularly. I can’t have you getting another ED again.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I will do better, I promise.” She sighed again, her stern expression softening slightly. She sat back down and pulled you closer to her, her hands resting on your hips.

“Good girl. I don’t want you to end up back in that hospital again because you didn’t eat properly. You’ve been getting so much better and I won’t let you throw that all away, understand?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Here,” she walked over to her desk, opened a drawer, and pulled a protein bar, “Eat this for now. Once I’m off the clock, I will cook you a nice warm meal.”

“You don’t have to do that-“ She gave you a stern look, cutting you off.

“I do have to. You need to eat and I can’t seem to trust you to take care of you. You will eat, take a bath, and go to bed when I take you home.”

“At your house?” She nodded, unwrapping the protein bar for you and handing it to you.

“You’re staying with me tonight. I need to keep an eye on you and make sure you’re eating and sleeping properly.” You took the protein bar and sighed in defeat. You knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer, not that you wanted her to really.

“Now stay there, eat the protein bar, and look pretty while I finish up.”

Taglist; @polaris-likethestar @wandasreallover @oh-no-bummer @phixiesworld @eliscannotdance @venomhimbo @aka-patsy @scoliobean @chlondykebar @marvelwomenarehot0 @mgruiz @daenerys713

#fanfic #smut #angst #agatha harkness #x reader #agatha all along #request #agatha harkness x reader #agatha x reader #fluff #kate bishop #kate bishop x reader

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captainpondlilly · 1 year ago

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Okay! The Gilear plush has arrived. This is my best attempt at all of his lines. Two have been unintelligible to me, and several are pretty long and fast which made it hard to follow.

My search history is.. hospitals near me, foot stuck in object, head stuck in object

You're low, he's low, It's Gilear's day baby!*

A guy on the street kicked me in the nuts as hard he could

I don't like "lunchlad"

Help me to understand what I have done to deserve this

My horoscope says "today is a good day to die motherfucker"

I ate a quick cup of yogurt on the way over here to bolster my spirits after I changed, I'm ever so sorry

What do you mean "When" life gives you lemons

I went to apply for the guidance counselor position but I was usurped by a drug dealing werewolf named Jawbone

In my haste to put the armor on I buckled the leg plate and think I clipped the tip of my penis against one of the leg plates and Everytime I move it feels like it might fall off so I ASSURE you demon I have no pride to speak of!

In highschool I was voted "Most Likely To Get Pushed Out Of A Tree"

My car was repossessed by the ride share app that I was working for

It's actually a good thing that no one came to my birthday party because the bounce house flooded and was swept out to sea

I just discovered that *all* of my emails have been going to everyone's spam

Unfortunately I have been banned from that hot air balloon service not because of anything that happened to me in particular but the guys who run it just sort of know my whole deal

Mmm this yogurt tastes like *potatoes*

I asked the woman at Home Depot why my plants kept dying and she said it seemed like they were reaching away from the sun

I've found out recently that one of my shoes is so filled with mildew because a pipe in my bedroom is leaking and I've developed a fungal infection in my foot which I didn't know was possible for elves to get

I don't think that I've ever "Peaked" in that we started neutral and have been going downhill ever since

I am currently trapped in a storm drain. The bottom half of me is above the ground, the other is below

Another Own Goal for Gilear Faeth, yes

Everyone knows you eat 7 spiders in your sleep every year, but I have a bunch coming into me the backway

My sandcastle I'm afraid was destroyed, as I was about to finish it, the tide came in and with it a man holding a bazooka who shot me and killed me

I know you're not going to believe this but Ive just been kicked by a snake

I found out the hard way that people can legally reject status as an emergency contact

The title of my autobiography is going to be Gilear Faeth: Please Stop

On my way here I was carrying a large bowl of Italian wedding soup which shattered on the ground in front of me and several of the small pasta balls rolled through the cracks and alerted vermin to my presence. I've since learned after a trip to the hospital I am deathly allergic to the sting of millipedes which is a way of me saying I need someone to come down to the hospital and pay for this. There is a doctor holding a gun to my head and now that I think about it this clinic is in the back of a storage unit and I think have gone to the wrong place

he said and I quote "he'd stomp my goon ass" if I ever got on his bus again

Gorthalax it was very nice to meet you, you've made a cuckold of me

We're the throw up boys!*

I've been informed that the brownies I consumed were laced with cannabis and rat poison

I am completely unprepared for the perils ahead and am deeply frightened, I'll go get the coffee

A gorilla monster punched me so hard in the back of the head I died

Today I have been hit by 3 scooters

Everytime you squeeze my hand it breaks several small bones

My imaginary friend as a child ghosted me because he said I was too depressing

Do you want me to go back? I warn you, it will break me

Can I interest you in an herbal soda? You must understand I am an intern at a ponzi scheme*

When I go to sleep at night I dream of a world where I might be able to walk through a field without stepping on a rake or gopher hole

If anyone needs me... I will be surprised.

If it wasn't for bad luck, Id have no luck is both true and what was written upon the billboard I crashed through

I wonder if any of these will feature in Junior year 👀

*Thanks to @cappa-cappa for telling me the lines I wasn't able to make out!!

#d20 #dimension 20 #naddpod #bahumia #brian murphy #emily axford #brennan lee mulligan #gilear faeth #siobhan thompson #lou wilson #ally beardsley #dropout #spire #fantasy high #fantasy high freshman year #fantasy high sophomore year #fantasy high junior year

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wroteclassicaly · 2 years ago

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A/N: I can’t sleep, I miss Eddie, and we still going through it, babes… So I channeled it into this. Love y’all, and thank you for making my dark days brighter ❤️

Warnings: Hurt that ends in comfort, angst with a happy ending, friends to lovers, fluff, depression, anxiety, mentions of past trauma/injury (Eddie’s wounds), & mental illness (reader has bipolar disorder).

The noise is soft, quiet enough that you can hear it if you lay to listen for a few seconds. Then it raises in octaves, a few clatters and curses. And despite the haze of your mood, a brief bit of fog dissipates, pinching your brow into an amused raise.

“Shit, fuckin’… slap my ass and call me your whore.”

You cover your mouth with a snort, as your fuzzy sock clad feet touch hardwood, and you make your way into the night light lit hallway. There’s a buttery glow from your kitchen that spills out around the corner, giving you a perfect view of your overly theatrical friend — Eddie Munson, as you come into the eye-line. He’s clad in a black t-shirt and whitewash jeans, his pizza decorated socks covering his own feet. His curls are damp, bordering on drying, and he hums a rhythm as you watch him flip a golden shaped object with your Goodwill gifted spatula. You perch yourself against the paneled wall, a warmth stirring in your belly.

He’s had to have used your spare key, and now he’s here before it’s barely even daylight — making something in your kitchen? First off, he wakes up this early? And second, he can cook?

That’s what leaves your mouth, following a series of scolding laughters when he’s clearly startled and drops the utensil on the stove. His rings clink together as he pinches his shirt collar, and you want to apologize, an instant guilt brimming you at surprising him like this. After everything that happened a few months ago, you really should’ve thought your entrance through (despite this being your own home). Eddie tuts, a smirk suddenly finding him amongst his Bambi eyed mirth.

“You scared the shit out of me, kiddo. Thought you were another hoard of bats coming for my other nipple.” He snatches up the utensil and flips it Steve Harrington style, calming your sudden anxiety, and easing your guilt.

You make your way over beside him, bare hip resting against the kitchen counter. He smiles softly, pouring in (what you now see is pancake batter) more of the mixture, flashing a wink your way. You look so fucking perfect and soft, just in socks, panties, and your oversized shirt with stars and crescent moon prints scattered about on it. He’s used to seeing this on you, but it never gets old. When you nursed him back to health after he was released from the hospital, you both grew a lot closer, having been mere acquaintances beforehand.

Changing his dressings, soothing his nightmares, helping him in and out of the shower — you took care of him in ways Eddie never knew existed. You were fearless, you were brave, you were funny, you were smart, you were beautiful and sexy, and as Nancy Wheeler had put it — he was totally fucking in love with you, like old classic — tickle your belly and balls type of romance movies. Once he had reluctantly left to return to the trailer with his uncle to repair the damage, he found that his desire to be near you had increased. And all was going well, until you started staying away from everyone, your voice languid and breathless when he’d call. He was worried it was your own processing of things that occurred, even if you’d been through it a few more years than he had, but Wheeler came through again with her knowing.

You were dealing with something that Eddie recognized as ‘manic depression’. He’d heard about it, seen it printed on the pamphlets in the nurse and guidance counselor’s office. Bipolar disorder. Nancy had explained (with the help of Steve) that you get like this sometimes, that it almost always follows your elevated periods of elated euphoria. Combine that with everything else that happened to you — Eddie immediately went into protective care mode.

He’d gotten up, showered, dressed, and phoned Harrington since he wasn’t able to drive yet. Steve came without question, especially fast on his way when Eddie mentioned the errands were for you. Both boys had gone to the local fabric shop, purchased the curtain and rod, tripped to the grocery store, and Steve had dropped Eddie off. He used his spare key and got to work on his speciality: chocolate chip flapjacks. He intended on surprising you with them, maybe waiting until he thought you were awake.

He didn’t mean to startle you, nor upset you. He’s quick to ease and relax, joking with you, praying you’re not mad that he’s here, invading you, your space, and whatever you’re going through.

Eddie flips the last cake, sprinkling in a few chips, and he’s flashing a cheshire grin, one that fades to a crooked tilt of his lips. “M’ sorry… I didn’t mean to, sort of… break in here? I planned on waiting — shit, that sounds creepy. No, I just wanted to have this ready for you… whenever you might, maybe want to have it?”

You cause his heart to swell ten times in size when you smile and reach up to push a lock of his curls off his forehead. “I’m glad you’re here.”

You’ve put an old movie on TV as you devour the fluffy, butter and syrup covered mountains. Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. Like you, Eddie is comforted by classic horror films, and can easily fall asleep to the controlled atmosphere they contain. When forks clatter against floral printed ceramic, and you take Eddie’s plate, deciding to forgo the dishes, he makes a beeline for the remaining bag, showing you the other items. You nearly cry on the spot, emotions circulating that you aren’t prepared to deal with today.

Turning off the living room television, you follow Eddie into your bedroom and help as he mounts the new rod and hangs your blackout bedroom curtains. And you… maybe sneak a few looks at the way his shirt rides up and his jeans tighten across his ass. It doesn’t take long before he’s got them secured, first breaks of dawn light spilling in through your blinds and illuminating his sweet features. Your fingers itch to touch, and you think he might reach for you, might feel the same wild, heart racing sense of vertigo, yet being serenely satiated.

“Oh yeah, here.” He slides his wallet from his back pocket, the chain dangling across his palm, and he pulls a small square card with a quote on it — out, handing it to you.

One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide

Below it, you recognize his doodling. A hand drawn, mini bouquet of daisies. He might not be able to afford real flowers, but he can use what skill he does have and draw them for you. He just hopes that you don’t mind. Your eyes are brimmed full of tears when he looks back up to catch your reaction. His gut sinks into his ass, and he fears he overstepped or set something off.

Hell, probably both.

He tries to backtrack. “No, hey. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to make you upset, sweetheart. I just… I was trying to find something to think of to say, because my words kind of get lost in my mouth, catapulting into the space of my brain.”

“Eddie, it’s okay.” Your voice is jagged, tone being dragged over fragments of emotion, throat swollen and damp with it.

He keeps going, more bold to be vocal now. “I think that it’s okay for you to ride it out here. You don’t need to force yourself into ideas of sunshine and physical activity. You’ve been through so much shit, and if your brain is on fire, then you deserve to put it out and let it fuckin’ rest.” He approaches you cautiously, tone gentle and warm like honey going down, almost raspy with it. “You don’t need to force yourself to be okay. Not with anyone, and sure as hell not with me. I mean, you’ve seen my guts hanging out and my nipple ripped off, I’d say we’re well past pretending, aren’t we?”

You’re speechless, body growing heavy and eyes tired. You can’t convey the hope that blooms, popping a bubble through the haze of the fog inside you. It’s not much, but it’s enough to help your psyche stop the race and let you breathe. Eddie is able to sense your fatigue, and he reaches out to squeeze your shoulders, motioning to the hall. “You close these on up and I’ll call you later tonight, yeah?”

He gets about two steps away from you and you’re calling for him. It’s comedic how fast he turns around. “Eddie? Will you stay?”

You’d turned the movie back on, on the set in your room, curtains closed and leaving the expanse shrouded in the glow of the set. Your head is resting on his chest, his jeans on the floor, legs tangled in yours beneath the patchwork quilt. The air conditioner is going, right along with the steady beating of two hearts, and Eddie doesn’t stop you when you knuckle-nudge his splayed palm up, pressing his fingers open to slide your own through. He accepts, squeezing, lacing, looking at you through the opening of light, and you lean into the kiss he presses to your crown. You’ll talk about things later, but for now… It’s okay.

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potluckofmybrain · 2 months ago

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Hi tumblr directioners,

So idk if anyone will see this but I want to share my personal experience as a directioner in the wake of losing Liam Payne.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t a die-hard fan the whole time the band was together, but I was IN IT my freshman and sophomore years of high school.

It was 2011-2013, I was a teenage girl going through some tough stuff at home. And by “some stuff” I meant my dad was dying of brain cancer, and we moved to a new state where I didn’t know anyone. My dad passed away end of summer before my freshman year. I missed the first 2 weeks of school, got unenrolled, had to re-enroll, then got put on the counselor’s list of people to keep an eye on.

Of course I was depressed and antisocial and anxiety ridden starting at a new school. I moved from VA to TX and the culture shock was real I can’t lie. Then I heard some girls in my freshman English class talking about one direction. I had heard of the band but never really gave them any attention.

I remember going home that day and memorizing all the words to the Up All Night album in my living room. I remember making lyric art with the *skinny* crayola markers, and dedicating every tumblr post to 1D so that I could make friends and not feel like such an outsider. I remember having a common interest with other girls that made us feel like a community.

Then twitter got big and the #bring1Dtome challenge happened iykyk. (It was a really big deal okay) we stayed up all night and competed in a series of challenges with other directioners across the country. Long story short #bring1DtoDallas won the contest.

The only way to get into the private album signing before the concert (a prize of the contest and one directions first American performance) was to buy an album from the Barnes and Noble store in the mall. If you were the first 150? (Idk the number) of people in line then you’d be given a free poster and a WRIST BAND to get into the concert at the then named, Dr Pepper Ballpark, along with your collectors edition album.

So, naturally me and my 3 new (and only) friends piled into my 17 yr old older sister’s hand-me-down Yukon XL and slept at the mall the night before. (Duh). We blasted Up All Night songs with other directioners until after midnight and didn’t sleep at all because we were soooo excited.

Then morning came, people started lining up at 3am, news crews were there, mall security was there it was a big thing, this was at the Stonebriar mall in Frisco Tx for any of my older fans who know what I’m talking about.

So the doors aren’t going to open until 7am, mall opens at like 6am (don’t quote me on these times I’m guesstimating). 5:30 rolls around and we take a lap to assess if we can even get a spot in line… for those of you who don’t know— stonebriar is a two floor mall and the Barnes and noble has two entrances one on each floor, it’s one of the first stores near the parking garage entrance.

5:45am-The line is wrapped around the side of the mall at the bottom level. My friends and I start to lose hope of getting these wrist bands.

5:57am- our spot in line is shit my older sister realizes we’re disappointed and she says she “didn’t sleep in the car for no reason. You’re getting those wrist bands, follow me”.

5:59am: My friends and I haul ass to the second floor entrance and my sister says “when they open the door walk in, go down the escalator, sit in line and act like you were there the whole time.” And we did.

We got our wristbands and albums. We were on the news (in the background of someone else’s interview lol) and we started the countdown for the concert.

Let me add some additional context. I was a 14 year old girl who’s dad just died, who lived with a depressed mom, an unmedicated schizophrenic oldest sister who had just had a baby (so my niece, who was born 3 days before my dad died), a bipolar 17yr old older sister who had anger issues, and two younger siblings in elementary school that i’m trying to shelter. The living environment wasn’t great to say the least, cops were called multiple times (by me). No charges were pressed.

My dad was diagnosed with stage 3 brain cancer when I was starting 8th grade, it was aggressive, treatments were expensive, our house in VA was foreclosed, my mom moved us to TX bc she had distant family there and available family grave plots, his cancer progressed and he passed away in August 2011.

We moved to TX in May 2011 at the end of my 8th grade year. Beginning of Summer before freshman year my mom moved my dad into hospice care. We would go to visit every other day and take turns feeding him and telling stories and it was heavy and sad. He passed away 2 days before school started.

One direction was the only thing I had to escape and bring any sense of joy in such a heartbreaking time. They brought me so much comfort, they brought me friends, they brought me a sense of being a normal teenage girl who’s dad didn’t have cancer, who’s sisters weren’t attacking each other, and who’s mom wasn’t threatening to 0ff herself.

So anyways, we got albums signed before the concert. it was very quick not like a meet and greet, they were all sitting in a row at a table, we walked through in a line and spoke to them all I was so excited I forgot to record on my camera, everyone was sweating bc it was 105 degrees outside, best day ever!! they were even cuter in person.

I just want to thank every Directioner who ever made me feel less alone as a struggling 14 year old. And I want to say that if you’re grieving Liam or one direction you’re not alone, I’m there with you. They were my safe space and loving them was…is a personality trait.

Anyways I stored those albums in a closet my junior year, then went through a house fire where everything got smoke damaged. We moved like 6 times that year. It was rough.

idk why I haven’t cleaned the albums but that’s what it is, and it’s a sobering reminder of the fact that I was going through so much but these boys were always there for me. I’ll clean them soon.

I’ll never be a boy-band obsessed teenager again, and I’m thankful to those boys for giving me happy memories during that time of my life.

If you read all that thank you and I love you 💓

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lisacameron99 · 8 months ago

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Meet The Grandparents

Warnings including but not limited to : family drama, anxiety, drama, angst, death, oc death (not main character), suicide, depression

** this is really bad, but I had this idea in my head and couldn't get rid of it **

Long AF but I don't know how to write any other way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a normal childhood. No psycho killer for a parent. Both still alive and loving. The only non normal part was when my mom died when I was seventeen and my 35 year old sister went missing in lieu of a case of three children going missing.

“Garcia, anything?” Hotch asked her. We were called in on the case late. There were already three victims.

“Sir, as much as I want to dazzle you with my awesomeness, I’m coming up blank.” She told them. “I’ve checked and double checked and cross checked everything I can think of and I still have zilch.”

“Have you tried checking the surrounding towns? Do everything within a 45 mile radius.” Hotch question and advised her.

“See this is why you’re the boss man and I’m just the techie that types.” She told us.

“Penelope, also double cross those names with the list of names you get with a list of teachers, nurses, and counselors.” I added in. My sister, Caroline, was a teacher. Maybe he went for the mothering type.

“Okay super. This is much more manageable and I might actually get a hit. Catch you both on the flip.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With no leads, Hotch decided it was time to try a cognitive interview.

"Alyssa, sit down." I sat down across from Hotch. "Close your eyes."

I took another shuddering breath and closed my eyes. "What am I thinking about?"

"What's your first memory with your sister?" He started off.

I thought back to my first memory with her. "We - playing at the park near my house. She use to push me on the swings. I remember her giving me under dunks."

"Did you guys always play at that park?" He continued.

"Usually, because it was so close to our house. We could walk there without crossing the highway. Just side streets. And we would go there because that's where Caroline would meet up with her friends"

"Who were her friends?"

"Ah, Callie. That was her best friend. They always played together until..." I trailed off.

"Until what?" Hotch pressed.

"When I was ten, she would've been sixteen, Callie stopped coming around. I don't remember why. I was going back and forth between Mom and Grandpas."

"Why were you at your Grandpa's so much?"

"I don't remember." I opened my eyes and stared at him.

"You do remember, close your eyes. Think back to conversations you might have overheard." He urged me. I took a deep breath, not as shakily as before, and closed my eyes. "Think back. Think back to your Grandpa's house. What do you notice?"

"It always felt so big to me when I was little. At my mom's, Caroline and I use to share a room, until I was eight. Then we moved. But I always had my own room at Grandpa's. That's when things got more stressed. Mom got another job, I started going to Grandpa's more."

"When was the first time you heard somebody talk about it."

"At Grandpas. He was talking to my mom. It must have been on the phone."

"What was he saying?"

"He's talking to my mom about Caroline getting in trouble. I can't hear everything."

"What can you hear?"

"Grandpa is mad. He doesn't get mad often."

"What is he mad about?"

"He's mad because Mom won't punish Caroline."

"What did she do?"

"He's yelling -- he's yelling about it. About - about how Caroline had a meeting with her school counselor. I don't - I don't remember anything else." I opened my eyes and stared at Hotch.

"You did great." He told me, giving me his rare smile.

"I hardly remembered anything." I protested.

"You remembered more than you thought. You gave us a lot of details. Like your sister meeting with the school counselor. That let's us know it was probably because she was bullying. She got in trouble at school."

"Hotch." Rossi said from the door.

"What is it Rossi?"

"Penelope found something on Caroline's phone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Penelope sat with me as the team found the location of Caroline. I knew when Spencer and the rest of the team came in that something bad had happened.

I opened my mouth to ask, but no words came out. Spencer looked at JJ.

JJ kneeled in front of me. I gripped Penelope's hand tight.

"When Penelope got onto Caroline's phone, she found a note." JJ said.

"What kind of note?"

"It was a suicide note. Your sister died from suicide. She was racked with guilt from the incident years ago with the boys and then the shooting. She died a few days ago." All of the words JJ was saying slowly became quieter and quieter. There was a ringing in my ears and everything turned dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We got to my grandpa's house, thankfully Rossi and JJ had let him know. I wouldn't have been able to tell them.

I walked into the house, dazed.

"Oh, sweetheart." Grandpa said, pulling me into a hug. I hugged him tightly. "Okay, we're going to be okay." I pulled back and moved back by Spencer. I gripped his hand tightly. "Who's this?"

"This is Spencer."

"Your boyfriend." He nodded to Spencer. Thankfully, I told my grandpa about Spencer's weird habits and he didn't try to make physical content with Spencer. "Well, I'm Henry."

"Spencer."

"I wish we were meeting under different circumstances."

"Me too, sir."

He waved his hand. "None of that. Sir makes me feel old, and I'm not that."

I smiled softly at my grandpa. He always could make me smile.

"Dad, who was at the door - oh Alyssa!" My grandma barreled into the room.

"Grandma." I hugged her tight.

"Oh, baby. It's been too long." She pressed her hand to my cheek for a moment before looking at Spencer. "You must be Spencer."

"I am, it's nice to meet you. Alyssa talks very highly of you." Spencer smiled at her.

"She is our baby." Grandma told him. "I made supper, you need to eat."

I tried to protest, but Spencer spoke up. "You haven't eaten since lunch yesterday."

I pursed my lips and looked at Grandma who was glaring at me.

"Kitchen."

"Yes, ma'am." I walked into the kitchen. "Grandpa! Grandma and Spencer are ganging up on me." I whined.

"Honey, leave the girl alone. She's been home for less than fifteen minutes."

"She needs to eat." Grandma said, coming into the kitchen, Spencer following.

"That's true." Grandpa said. "Good thing Grandma made your favorite."

"You made ravioli?" My eyes widened in surprise.

"Honey, you really didn't think I was going to make you come home after Caroline..." Grandma trailed off.

I bit my lip. "Well, I'm here now." I smiled softly at her.

"That's true." Grandpa agreed. "And we finally get to meet Spencer here."

I smiled at Spencer, who was looking at me with a smile. Even when the whole world was dark, he was always my sunshine.

"Caroline would have loved this." I said sitting at the table. "Family dinners were her favorite."

"We stopped doing them when your mom died. It became to painful." Grandma said.

"It was painful." I agreed with her.

"We can start doing it again more regularly." Grandpa decided. "We live close enough."

"We can come up if we aren't on a case." Spencer told them.

"That would be just lovely." Grandma smiled at the two of us.

"Welcome to the family, Spence." I whispered to him.

"Happy to be here." He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

End.

This is really bad but I had this thought and had to write it down. If you or anybody is in need of help, please call # 988.

#spencer reid imagine #spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid x oc #dr spencer reid #criminal minds fanfic #aaron hotchner #david rossi #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader fanfiction #spencer reid x oc fanfiction

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forbidden-salt · 4 months ago

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Breaking the Silence; My Mental Health Story for Worldwide Suicide Prevention Day

By ForbiddenSalt

9/10/2024

Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses suicidal ideation, depression, and mental health struggles. If you are in a vulnerable state, please read with caution, and know that support is available through resources like 988, friends, and loved ones.

Resources and helpful tools for self and loved ones provided below the fold.

My Story:

Suicide Awareness Day holds a deeply personal meaning for me. For years, I struggled silently with suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety, unsure of how to ask for help or whether I deserved it. Sharing my story now is not just about raising awareness, but about offering hope to anyone who feels the same weight I once carried.

At the age of 13, I began to experience something many people are hesitant to talk about—suicidal ideation. But it wasn’t until I was in college that I truly realized how dangerous those thoughts had become.

I remember one day when I was walking across campus from class to my dorm, lost in thought, and accidentally stepped off the curb without looking. A car was coming toward me. Instinctively, I jumped back, avoiding an accident. But what happened next startled me more than the near-miss. As I stood on the sidewalk, tears welled up, not because I was relieved, not because I was scared—I was upset that my instincts had saved me. I realized I wasn’t crying because I had narrowly avoided getting hit by a car; I was crying because, in that moment, I wanted to be hit. It would have been an "accident"—a way out without me having to act intentionally.

It dawned on me that this was something much more serious than I had admitted to myself.

This wasn’t the first time I had experienced suicidal thoughts, but it was one of the most shocking moments. I knew I needed help. I sought out a counselor at the campus health center and, for a time, tried therapy. When I went home for a break, I spoke to my doctor, and she prescribed me an SSRI. I confided in my family and was met with mixed reactions—some were supportive, while others expressed concerns about the medication, urging me to stop taking it as quickly as possible. This set up an internal battle for me; I began starting and stopping my medication over the next few months, caught between fear and shame; and eventually quit all together.

Suicidal ideation lingered in the back of my mind for years. I wished for a pause button, a way to make the world stop so I could catch my breath and somehow not fall behind. I dreamed of getting hurt or sick enough to be hospitalized, just so I could take a break from life’s demands. But I never let myself act on those thoughts.

It wasn’t until my mid-20s that things got so bad I returned to therapy. This time, it was different. My new therapist helped me understand that I wasn’t “crazy”—I was carrying the weight of childhood trauma and years of struggling to survive. She diagnosed me with complex PTSD, and for the first time, I felt understood. Her support gave me the strength to make significant changes in my life, including moving to a new state.

There, I found another therapist who continued to guide me through the ups and downs. I started back on an SSRI and have stayed on it ever since. Through this process, I realized that what I had been dealing with wasn’t just emotional—it was also biological. My body wasn’t producing enough serotonin, and my chronic illnesses, were compounding these mental health struggles by denying my body the tools to make its own serotonin and through the weight of the symptoms. Especially for a while before there was any answer or treatment plan in sight.

I went through EMDR therapy, talk therapy, and put in the hard work to heal. I focused on my physical and mental health, fighting for answers and for my life. Slowly, I began to reclaim control. I started to recognize the warning signs of passive suicidal ideation and created an action plan for when those thoughts creep in. I don’t go to therapy as often now, but I still have touch-base appointments in case something changes.

Through this journey, I’ve learned so much about myself and the nature of mental illness. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD were not signs that I was lazy or difficult, though I was often labeled as such. They were symptoms of a much deeper issue. I wish people could see that depression isn’t a mindset or mood and suicidal thoughts are not selfish—they are the final, fatal symptom of a disease.

It took a long time for me to accept that what I went through wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t to blame for the trauma I endured or the way my brain and body responded to it. And if you’re reading this and find yourself in a dark place, I want you to know you are not alone. I know what it’s like to stand in the darkness for so long that it starts to feel like home. But I also know that it is possible to fight back, to heal, and to find hope again.

If you can’t fight for yourself right now, I encourage you to reach out to someone—anyone—who can sit with you in your pain. Let them help you find a therapist, a doctor, or simply help with daily tasks. It might not be the person you expect. For me, one if my company leaders had noticed my depression and helped me find a therapist. I had a best friend who sat with me over the phone while I sobbed broken hearted, encouraging me to seek help if I needed it. That going to the hospital if I needed it wasn’t shameful or weak but brave and admirable. It was my grandmother, who spoke to me daily, reminding me of my faith and offering love when I couldn’t love myself and felt those I loved most didn’t love me.

Faith also played a huge role in my healing. I’ve had my share of questions and anger, but my belief that God could handle my questions and my rage helped me through some of the darkest times. I questioned why my life was going the way it was, why I was feeling the way I did, if He knows everything before it happens, if he’s all powerful why didn’t he step in to change the course of my life away from this. My questions turned to anger and I had to keep reminding myself that God had shoulders big enough for my anger, my tears, my pain. That I could toss all of it at him and he’d still see me still, love me. I never doubted his existence, and honestly to this day I still don’t have all the answers but I’m sure one day I’ll understand and I’ve realized I was still loved even when I couldn’t see it.

My family eventually came around too. Even my dad, who I had thought didn’t believe me, recently admitted how scared he had been for me after he had kept his fears hidden for years since it had gotten bad. We were able to talk and he listened, shared his point of view, and made the effort to understand. He allowed me to assure him I was safe now, I was doing better, and it’s changed our relationship for the better. While I had found my way to stability without knowing if my family believed or supported me, learning my family did care enough to worry, cared enough to learn, and loved me enough to listen even if what I said was hard to hear meant the world to me.

If you’re struggling, know that there is help out there. Call 988 for support, reach out to friends, hug your dog or cat, cling to your faith—whatever gets you through the next moment. Each day is a step, and that’s enough. It doesn’t have to be a leap—it just has to be forward.

Resources for support below:

Here are some coping strategies:

1. Box Breathing: This simple technique can help reduce anxiety. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Repeat until your heart rate slows and you feel more grounded. You can do this while on a video call too just let your eyes glide along the edges of the screen while you hold and breathe.

2. Straw Breathing: Another great calming tool—take a deep breath in, and then slowly exhale like you’re blowing through a straw. It mimics the relaxing response of the parasympathetic nervous system and helps you focus.

3. Journaling: I started journaling, reminding myself it didn’t have to be perfect. It was just for me. I stopped feeling guilty if I skipped days or weeks and let the words flow when I needed them. If you struggle with journaling, try creating an anonymous blog where you can rant and vent without worrying about dates or continuity. I have a separate Tumblr just for this—a void I can yell into when I need to.

4. Bilateral Stimulation: Butterfly taps—crossing your arms and tapping on opposite shoulders—helped calm me during moments of stress. This was especially useful during EMDR therapy, which became one of my strongest tools.

5. Creating a Routine: I used to go to the gym to cope before my chronic illness made it harder, so I shifted to art as a form of expression. Creating anything—whether it’s a routine or a creative outlet—can make a difference.

6. Boundaries and Emotions: Learning boundaries and reconnecting with my emotions was vital. One book that really changed my perspective was Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly, which helped me embrace my anger as a valid emotion. Learn how to advocate for yourself and establish boundaries. This takes time, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for your mental health.

7. Prioritize Yourself: Make time for what you need—therapy, the gym, a bath, or a doctor’s appointment. And allow yourself to rest. Your mind and body will force you to stop if you keep ignoring the warning signs.

8. Taking Shortcuts: Too tired to make a proper meal? That’s okay. Eat food however it comes—deconstructed meals are all the rage anyway. I’ve had moments where lunch was just handfuls of cheese and lunch meat. The goal is to nourish yourself, and sometimes that means being kind to yourself about how you do it.

10. Create Safety Nets: If you're heading somewhere that could be triggering, plan for it. What’s your exit strategy? Can you bring a comfort item, like a fidget toy, a blanket, or a stuffed animal? Having a plan can give you a sense of control.

11. Redirecting Negative Thoughts: When I get caught in negative thoughts, I ask myself if these thoughts are helping me process emotions or if they're just hurting me. If I’m not ready to process them, I work on redirecting my focus to something more helpful.

13. Emotional Support Animals: If you can, get an emotional support animal. My mini schnauzer has helped me through so much, even though she doesn’t know it.

How can I help a loved one:

1. Listen First: Before jumping to solutions, take time to listen. Validate the person's feelings, and let them process before suggesting how to fix things. Most of the time, they already know the solution; they just need space to work through it.

2. Stop Shaming Mental Health: Be mindful of how you talk about mental health. I’ve overheard loved ones shaming people for being "selfish" or "foolish" for being depressed, anxious, suicidal and even those that did commit suicide not knowing how often it was on my mind. Those words made it even harder to speak up and ask for help.

3. Fear and Guilt Are Not Helpful Tools: Fear and guilt are not effective motivators when it comes to mental health. I once told someone close to me that I didn’t believe people who commit suicide go to hell. Just as someone who passes from cancer doesn’t go to hell for how they died, I believe the same for depression—it’s an illness. They responded that they hoped fear of hell would keep me from acting on those thoughts. I explained that, by the time someone is ready to act, they likely don’t care anymore. The weight of the pain is overwhelming, and fear or guilt won’t pull them back.

4. Recognize the Signs: Suicidal ideation, passive suicidal ideation, and suicidal plans are all dangerous and need treatment and support. It may begin with passive thoughts like, “I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up tomorrow,” but those can shift into active planning if left unchecked. Just because someone hasn’t acted on it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. Depression doesn't always look the same for everyone. It could be messy rooms, low energy, or a lack of interest in things that once brought joy. It could also look like reckless behavior, withdrawing, or joking about death. These subtle signs shouldn’t be brushed off—they’re as important as overt cries for help and worth a check as little as “hey you keep making these jokes, I just want to make sure you really are okay?” If someone is talking about feeling hopeless, giving away possessions, withdrawing from loved ones, or engaging in risky behavior, these are red flags.

5. Offer practical support: Whether it’s helping with daily tasks, providing a ride to a therapy appointment, or just sitting quietly with them, practical support can be a lifeline.

6: Encourage professional help: Gently suggest therapy, medical care, or other professional help if the person hasn’t already sought it. Be patient and compassionate, understanding that reaching out can be terrifying for them.

7. Be present: Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there. Your physical and emotional presence can provide comfort, even when there are no words.

If you have a loved one who you worry is going through something, or has confided in you and you are worried for them. Don’t wait. Speak to them. Ask them how you can help, what’s going on, listen. If you’re afraid for them, even after they have gotten to the other side, don’t let your fears tear at you for months, tell them then listen and trust that when they say they are good, have come out the other side have an action plan for when they notice the signs - belive them. If you can’t let it go still, seek your own support. The fear of loosing someone you care about is worthy of attention. If you’re reading this because someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, thank you for caring. Supporting someone with suicidal ideation can be incredibly difficult, but your presence matters more than you might realize.

If you or someone you love is struggling, find Resources for Support:

1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 988 for immediate help in the U.S. Available 24/7.

2. Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

3. The Trevor Project: Focused on supporting LGBTQ+ youth, The Trevor Project offers crisis intervention and suicide prevention services. Text START to 678678 or visit their website.

4. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): NAMI provides free, confidential support for mental health concerns. Call the NAMI Helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741.

5. The Jed Foundation: Focused on mental health support for teens and young adults, the Jed Foundation works to protect emotional health and prevent suicide. Visit jedfoundation.org for more information.

6. The Veterans Crisis Line: Veterans and their loved ones can call 988 and press 1 or text 838255 for confidential support. Available 24/7.

Suggestions for Keeping Yourself Safe:

1. Create a safety plan: Write down a plan for when suicidal thoughts occur. This could include calling a trusted friend, therapist, family, distracting yourself with an activity you enjoy, or going to a safe place where you can feel grounded and making an appointment with your doctor.

2. Reach out to a support network: Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, let someone know how you’re feeling. It’s important not to isolate yourself when you’re struggling.

3. Remove means: If you’re feeling unsafe, remove items that could be harmful or ask someone you trust to hold onto them temporarily. There is no shame in this ever.

4. Practice grounding techniques: When suicidal thoughts take over, try grounding yourself with techniques like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or engaging in mindfulness exercises. These can help bring you back to the present moment. Call on your faith if you need to to get by, play with your pet anything to help you get grounded and move through the feeling

5. Remember that feelings pass: In the heat of the moment, it can feel like the pain will last forever. But emotions are temporary, and feelings—even the darkest ones—eventually pass. That feelings are normal and natural and have no moral judgement, feel it, acknowledge it, and let it move through knowing another feeling will come your way take its place.

Recovery isn’t pretty, and life isn’t perfect; but you are worth fighting for.

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