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alyssaswrld999 · 6 months ago

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Why Are You Doing This To Yourself?/ Dean Winchester x Reader

Warning: Vaping, Deppression, Self-harm, Kissing, Comfort, Deep Conversations

Story Prompt: Y/n has been hunting with Dean and Sam for a long time. She has had trouble dealing with some stuff that's on her mind and everything going on around her lately. Y/n finally finds her best solution and she has considered "Vaping calms her". Dean finds her and he has so many thoughts on this.

Y/n's POV:

Lately hunting has been a struggle for me. Everything has just been going wrong and I feel like I'm messing things up. Im having a hard time believing I'm gonna be ok. That it's gonna just get better and I can move on.

Is it though?

Am I going to get through this?

Am I doing good by putting others first?

Life as a hunter is never easy at all. I always hear Sam and Dean say "This life isn't easy". It's true I mean this life puts the ones you love in danger.

This life makes you end up dead.

This life makes you a different person.

It changes your whole aspect of reality...

Ever since Charlie died I've had a hard time. So has Dean and Sam. Charlie was my bestfriend and she would always call and check up on me and the boys.

But now since she's gone I have no one else to be a nerd with. Me and her loved the same music, movies, etc. She was like a sister to me and I miss her.

I just wish she was here...

I get up from my bed in the bunker and I walk over to my desk. I open the left drawer and I pull out my vape. I never told Sam and Dean that I started because I didn't want them to worry.

The only time that I use it is when I'm overwhelmed and just need to calm down. It helps me and it let's me take a break from the stress.

I walk back over to my bed and I put some music on and start to take a hit. It was relaxing to know I can have a moment to myself.

Suddenly someone knocked on my door. "Y/n you awake?" Dean said.

"Yeah give me a sec" I said quickly. I take my vape and put it in my bra really quick. As I fix my shirt Dean opens the door. "Hey" I said smiling at Dean.

Dean looked around my room and then looked at me. "Hey... does it smell fruity in here?" Dean asked. I look around and played dumb. "Uh no not really I mean the only fruity thing in my room is my perfume" I said.

"Oh okay uhm well I came In here to ask you if you wanted to spend the night with me? In my room and uh we could watch a movie?" Dean said smiling.

Dean and me would do this every Friday night and I mean it is one of the best things me and him do. This would make me feel better I mean it's Dean. I love him a lot and well even if we don't stay in the same room that doesn't mean he isn't the best boyfriend ever.

I just don't want him to know I vape because I don't want him to worry. He already has enough stress on his plate and it ain't fair to him or Sam.

"Of course I'll spend the night with you De" I said. Dean smiled and got excited at my answer. "Alright uhm I'm gonna make the popcorn and set up the movie. You go to my room and make yourself comfy ok" Dean said.

I nodded my head and laughed at him. "Alrighty De I can do that" I said. Dean walked up to me and kissed my head. "I love you Y/n" Dean said.

I love how Dean gets like this because it's so sweet. He acts all tough but the truth is he's just my big teddy bear. "I love you to Dean" I said kissing his cheek.

Dean then walked away and went to make the popcorn. I sighed and got up to put my vape away in my desk. "Can't let him see me hurting" I thought.

I change my clothes and put on my black night pants and Dean's grey tshirt. I mean you can't have a good movie night without being In comfy baggy pj's.

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I get into Dean's room and make myself comfortable on Dean's bed. I brought my pillow and my favorite blanket. I set it up on Dean's bed and I finally lay down and wait for Dean.

Pretty soon a couple of minutes later Dean comes back with a bag of candy, popcorn, and two beers. I chuckled at him seeing him struggle. I get up and walk over to Dean smiling at him.

"Let me help you De" I said grabbing the beers and popcorn. I walk over to the bed and sit down and set the snacks up. Dean puts down the bag of candy beside me and then walks over to close his bedroom door.

"I'm gonna change real quick so is it cool if you set up the movie?" Dean asked. I nodded my head and grabbed his laptop and pulled up the movie. He wanted to watch "Scream" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre".

"Thought you only wanted to watch one movie?" I said. Dean turned around and as I looked up I was really liking his pj's. He had only grey sweatpants and a white tshirt.

"Yeah uh I was just thinking if you wanted to watch another movie we could have two? I mean it's just fun to do these movie nights and well just wish you could stay in this room with me all the time" Dean said.

I nodded my head and tapped the bed. "I mean we could make that happen" I said. Dean smiled and sat down on the bed beside me getting comfortable.

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4 hours later me and Dean are still laying in bed watching movies. As I was sitting there I kept having the urge to go and have a quick "break". I look over at Dean and seen that he was asleep.

I get up quietly and cover him up with the blankets. "I'll be back" I whispered as I lean down to kiss him. My lips make contact with his forehead and I sighed as I pulled away.

I make my way out of Dean's bedroom and make my way down the hall to mine. My breath kept getting quicker and quicker as I made it closer to my room.

I didn't even realized that I arrived at my bedroom door and opened it. My feet were moving for me and my mind was fuzzy. The next thing I know I have my vape in my hands and I'm taking hits from it.

I didn't even hear the footsteps coming down the hallway to my room or the faint voice calling my name. I was just focused on inhaling the vape.

"Y/n..." Dean said. I finally came back to reality after calming down and realized I've been caught. I turn and look at Dean and he was pissed. "Oh shit..." I mumbled.

The expression on Dean's face explained everything that he was feeling. He seemed Angry, confused, sad, upset. "Why the hell are you vaping?" Dean said walking towards me. I froze in place not being able to move away. I was angry at myself that I could be so stupid to give up quickly to hit that stupid damn vape.

"Dean let me explain" I mumbled. Dean kept walking toward me and grabbed my vape from my hands. "I can't believe that your doing this to yourself" Dean said with venom at the end of his sentence.

"Dean just let me explain" I said. Dean looked at me with anger in his eyes. "Y/n why? Why do this" Dean said with less venom. I started to tear up and Dean noticed. "No... no you don't get to do that not after this" Dean said holding up the vape. I look down at the floor finding it more interesting to look at then Dean at the moment.

All I hear is Dean's footsteps leave the room and I start tearing up again. I look up and seen he was gone and I felt my heart breaking as I fall to my knees on the floor. I wanted to shout and scream but I couldn't. All I could do is sit there and cry on silence with no one to hear me.

Dean was hurt by me doing this to myself and he has every right to be. But at the same time he doesn't understand how I feel about anything. How I have to just live with this pain and not show it. And because the fact I never show it I always feel alone.

But I need Dean to be here for me but he won't. I understand why he won't be but still. He stormed out instead of talking it out with me. Do I need to be alone? Do I need to suffer alone? Who knows...

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The next day was more stressful and awkward as last night. It was different and I felt more alone than I was before. I woke up in my room and I felt a tug in my heart. I didn't want to get out of bed but I knew I needed to face the day.

I open the door slowly and I take a quick breath. "Hopefully no one's awake yet" I thought. I walk out of my room and I make my way to the kitchen to see Sam on his laptop. I quickly walk over to the coffee maker and make myself a glass of coffee. "Good morning" Sam said.

I sighed and turn to look at Sam. "Mornin" I said. Sam looked at me and raised his eyebrows in question. "Are you okay?" Sam asked. I sighed and took a sip of my coffee but I choked at the bitter taste. "Yeah... uhm I really don't know how to answer that" I said.

"Wanna talk about it?" Sam said closing his laptop. I looked at Sam and was about to respond until Dean entered the kitchen. I look away and put my coffee mug down. "I'll see you later Sam" I said leaving the room.

As I walked away I heard Dean scoff and I then decided to hide beside the door to the kitchen. "What was that about" Sam said. I heard Dean sigh and then he began to speak.

"Y/n was vaping"

"Wait what? Why would she do that"

"I don't know Sam"

"Did you talk to her about it"

"No, I stormed off last night and haven't talked to her since then"

"Dean you need to talk to her"

"Why Sam? There is nothing to say, I just can't believe she would do something like that to herself"

"Well Dean talking is better than leaving her to fight with whatever is going on alone"

I finally had enough listening and I made my way back to my room. I just didn't want to be around Dean because he clearly has nothing to say to me.

As I enter my room a whole new wave of depression hit me. I couldn't take this pain anymore and I just didn't want to see Dean right now. I shut my door and I rush to my bed seeming as that was the only thing to do.

"Why Charlie" I thought. As I sink down more into my bed the thoughts kept spilling like it was a waterfall in my head. What after felt like moments I heard a faint knock at my door. I didn't respond. The only thing I could do was listen.

After a moment the knock came back but it was more louder. Then finally the door knob turned and the door was opening. "Y/n?" Someone said. I didn't move my head to see who it was but the type of voice and the way the person acted from what I could hear was Sam.

"Y/n please can we talk" Sam said. I didn't move and Sam sighed. I thought he was going to leave but I was wrong. "Y/n Dean told me what happened and I was wondering if you could talk to me" Sam said gently. The next thing I know Sam is sitting on my bed and rubbing my shoulder softly.

I finally gave in and I latched myself to Sam and I was crying. I wanted to tell him what was going on but all I could do was cry. I couldn't stop crying because of all of my thoughts playing over and over in my head. I felt like I was crazy and I didn't know what to do.

"Hey, hey Its gonna be okay... it's okay Y/n" Sam said rubbing my head softly. I sobbed and I looked up at Sam. "I- I'm sorry" I said softly. Sam rubbed my head and comforted me. "It's okay you don't need to apologize. Just tell me what's going on and we will find a way to make everything okay" Sam answered.

I nodded my head and I started sobbing again. Sam comforted me until I calmed down to where I was ready to talk. I pulled away from Sam and I straightened myself to sit up.

"Its- there's just been so- so much going on" I mumbled. Sam looked at me concerned and rubbed my back softly. "After Charlie- after everything its just- I'm losing it Sammy" I said looking up at Sam. Sam gave me his usual empathetic look and nodded his head.

"Y/n I understand how you feel... and your not gonna lose it okay"

"But how do you know im not"

"Because you have me, Dean and Castiel"

"Are you sure about Dean? Because clearly from last night it explains he is mad at me"

"Dean's not mad at you Y/n he's worried and wants you to be okay"

"I understand he is worried I just don't want him to be... I just really need him right now and I don't want him being distant"

"Just give him a bit to calm down Y/n... he loves you"

"Okay... thank you Sammy"

"You're welcome Y/n"

Sam pulled me into a hug and I wrapped my arms around him. "It's gonna be okay" Sam whispered. I nodded my head and I pulled away. I laughed a little wiping my tears away and I smiled at Sam.

"Yeah... yeah it's gonna be okay" I replied. Sam smiled and got up from the bed. "I'll let Dean know your okay" Sam said leaving the room. I nodded my head and smiled while wiping my tears.

After a couple of moments Dean appeared in the doorway. "Hey" I whispered. Dean walked towards me and I stayed still. "Look I'm sorry-" I said but was interrupted by Dean kissing me. I pulled away a few minutes later and Dean held my cheek.

"Y/n you don't have to apologize okay" Dean answered. I started to tear up again and I gently smiled. "I love you... and I'm sorry for walking off last night" Dean whispered. I kissed his cheek and I nodded my head. "I understand why you did it though... and you don't need to apologize either" I said.

Dean sat down and pulled me in for a hug. I sighed and wrapped my arms around Dean as he kissed my head.

"We're gonna get through this"

"Yeah... we are... one day at a time"

"I love you Y/n"

"I love you too Dean"

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