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maitarussa-old · 3 years ago

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Some random Elven Biology, Growth, and Sex/Gender/Sexuality headcanons that I’ll probably make into a proper worldbuilding post or two for my lore blog eventually.

This is all very strangely LaCE-compliant (or rather, defiant? A lot of it is built on loopholes in LaCE lmao)

Obligatory disclaimer, I am ace/demiro and trans/intersex.

Content warning: Medical/Scientific discussion of sex, genitalia, childbirth, and pregnancy. Discussion of Elven queerness and the equivalent of lgbtphobia. Light references to suicide (fading) and non-consensual sex (these last two will be noted before their individual bulletpoints).

…

Biological Sex & Social Gender

Elves are born as one of three sexes, male, female, or both, which determine reproductive role and genitalia and not much else. Some cultures place more social weight on sex than others, but rarely until reproduction becomes a concern. Children are almost always referred to neutrally, as a sibling or child instead of brother or daughter. Gendered terms for family members only usually begin to be used after puberty.

There is very little “sexual” dimorphism among elves, but it exists. Aside from genitalia, children have no distinction until puberty. During puberty, one’s gender, not their biological sex, determines what traits they develop. These are marked by some variation in face shape and structure, body structure (men typically have broader shoulders), and voice pitch.

Sometimes elves relate strongly to their gender, other times not particularly strongly. This will influence how secondary traits develop during puberty— as it is the fëa that influences the hröa’s development to some degree during this time. At some point during puberty, an elf will typically “come out” and begin to use gendered language for themselves; though often those around them know in advanced due to their development, they will typically refrain from using gendered language until the individuals themselves announce it.

Social Gender may or may not match biological sex and reproductive role. Either is seen as within the bounds of “normal.”

Most elves are binary, or rather, many nonbinary elves don’t even fully realise this due to the flexible gender roles of most Elven cultures, and they will typically call themselves whichever binary gender is closer to how they feel and develop. Those who are firmly in the middle, if not in a culture where nonbinary genders are recognised, typically will choose based on whether their culture is more matriarchal or patriarchal, or based on their craft if they have one and such things are at all gendered in their culture. There are a few cultures that recognise nonbinary genders, or that do not use Social Gender at all, and still some with three or more distinct genders, but these are not usually found in the mainstream among the Eldar.

¡¡ WARNING for brief discussion of suicidal themes related to gender dysphoria !! *** While body dysphoria in relation to gender is relatively uncommon among the Quendi when compared to humans, it does occur in some cases. Typically, this dysphoria is discovered rather early, and treated as soon as possible. While reproductive capabilities could not be fully changed, even while still in Cuiviénen, Elven healers developed techniques and procedures to alter the body to appear and feel nearer to the proper sex. This was prioritised quickly, as dysphoria indicated that the hröa made an improper fit for the fëa, which is, among the Elves, the greatest possible ailment. However, treatment is not always so swift. In some cases, particularly in Ñoldorin culture where the body is seen as the craftsmanship of one’s parents, a child will hide their dysphoria to avoid disrespecting their craft (though most Ñoldorin parents would not see it this way, and would wish to support and help their child). While some may suppress this and are able to be content, if not happy, with presenting as the Social Gender of their choice, many suffering from severe dysphoria will not be able to bear it, and will fade, their spirits being unable to bear remaining within their bodies, and preferring to remain disembodied within the Halls of Mandos rather than be placed within an ill-fitting hröa.

Childbirth and Parenthood

The terms “mother” and “father” among the Elves don’t necessarily denote gender, rather, they apply to the role in child-bearing and early child-rearing that each member of a couple takes. The “mother” is the one who forms the physical body and carries it, while the “father” nurses the child for the first year of their life and primarily teaches them speech and movement.

The parents share responsibility for the spiritual nourishment of the child during this time somewhat— the father remains near the mother during pregnancy and shares strength of spirit, and the mother aids in the teaching of the child during their first year, but the physical nourishment of the child is undertaken by solely the mother during pregnancy and solely the father during nursing, while the mother enters a year-long period of recovery from pregnancy and childbirth.

On that note, Elves do not have permanent breasts. These only form during nursing, and as it is the father that nurses the child, it is the father that will obtain them for this purpose. If, by some ill fate, the father is not present to nurse the child, then the mother will obtain the capability of doing so. This is incredibly taxing upon the mother, though, who has already spent so much power and strength in the bearing of the child.

The withdrawal period after birth is observed differently by different cultures, but it is universal that a mother will refrain from the creation of new things during that period of time. The father will also typically do the same, and devote that time and energy instead to the raising of the child.

It is because of this sharing of responsibilities that elves do not have children during times of strife— the absence of a parent during pregnancy or the first year can cause great problems for both child and parent. This is also why there is typically an age gap of thirty or more years between the first and second child (though the intervals may be shorter between later children), so that the eldest sibling will be mature enough to help with the household.

As above, the older siblings will frequently help with household tasks such as cooking and cleaning during their parents’ child-bearing time. This may be why many older siblings also become accomplished in cooking and baking.

In some cultures (especially Ñoldorin culture), children are not seen by anyone outside of the immediate family (parents and siblings) until they are two— a year after their birth. That is because this first year is incredibly formative, and seen as part of the process of creation. This is far from universal, and some may not observe this at all, but there is typically some form of secrecy before the first year after birth has passed in many cultures. The customs during this time can frequently determine the way a culture’s social bonds form, with the Ñoldor, some of the most withdrawn during the first year, forming the strongest nuclear family bonds of all Elves.

Elves are typically considered “adolescent” from when they come of age until they have children of their own. While they are adults. they are socially considered to be somewhat akin to the typical college student among earth humans. The level of maturity they have frequently depends on where in their family’s birth order they are, with older siblings frequently being more mature than younger ones. It may also depend on the circumstances of their lives— and those who grow up amidst great strife often mature more quickly than those who live in peace, who hold onto their youth for far longer.

Sexuality and Queerness

The “typical” orientation for Elves is demisexual/demiromantic and monogamous. Everything outside of that falls into the realm of “queer.” The degrees to which queerness may be taboo among the elves vary widely by specific culture.

Complete asexuality and/or aromanticism are often seen as a bit strange, and frequently considered to be a result of “not finding the right person yet,” but these individuals are not usually shunned in society and there is no definite taboo against it. However, it is often invisible, treated as just a temporary state.

Allosexuality, however, is most certainly seen as “queer” and far more negatively. Especially if sexual attraction is felt without any desire for partnership or marriage. It is seen as “normal” for elves to appreciate and praise physical beauty— it is not seen as “normal” to be attracted to it physically. Particularly allosexuality with specific gender preference is seen as very strange.

This is so pervasive that many are led to believe that Elves do not experience sexual attraction or seek out sexual pleasure at all outside of marriage. This idea is incorrect— for though in many cultures (especially calaquendian), there is a strong taboo against extramarital sex, there is a surprisingly large minority that engage in it and enjoy it. Many of these individuals remain heavily closeted, as there are great social consequences for being outed as a “pleasure-seeker,” but hook-ups and friends with benefits are fairly common— or anything aside from a committed romantic and sexual relationship.

¡¡¡ WARNING for brief discussion of non consensual sex and suicide by fading !!!! Those that engage in sexual activity without marriage must keep two things in mind: that everything is mutually consensual, and that neither party harbours a desire to form a partnership with the other. In the best case scenario, two elves who had been in a casual relationship and both wished to be married would become accidentally “half-married,” as the will behind their actions formed a part of a marriage bond. Typically, though, if it is only one participant that has such feelings, they will begin to form a bond, but it will not be reciprocated, and all sexual activity will immediately cease between them. In the worse case, however, the attempt to form a bond will be a breach of consent and a violation— and will result in the immediate death of the other participant.

#headcanons #silmarillion #laws and customs of the eldar #elves #Tolkien #ok to rb #ok to use

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lucientelrunya · 3 years ago

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Like a lonely house pt 13

@thesporkidentity: I dedicate the entire vaccination-scene to you :) @gaiahenshin: Yes you did, or well, not entirely aro because he is demiro but he doesn't know that yet :) And yes, Ba Ye needs to get some sense into Rishan any way he can ^^°°° @nope4ever: This one has just a little softness for you, I hope that's still okay? @kholran: Yes, he is. And yes, you should worry, because just as promised I'm gonna hurt him.

Okay, I think this part might need some warnings... I promised I was going to hurt Rishan, and I will start now: We get more hallucinations, nasty insect toxins and Rishan heading right for a bunch of other nasty things (among them the Chens, survivor's guilt, repressed grief and maybe a nervous breakdown? Definitely a breakdown of some sort.)

*runs off to hide*

~*~

After two evenings spent mostly dozing on the couch while Ba Ye watches different movies about time travel, Zhang Rishan is getting the sense that that might be the true purpose. Liang Wan knows that he does not care much for movies or tv shows and this does feel like something those two might come up with. It’s something about the flickering lights that is strangely calming, and fake people and fake stories rarely manage to capture his attention so he tends to doze off even if he isn’t tired.

It’s not real sleep, part of him is always aware of his surroundings, to alert him to any danger, anything that is happening outside of that screen. But sounds and light from the TV don’t bother him in his dozing, just like Ba Ye moving around next to him doesn’t disturb him. Probably because he knows Ba Ye would never do anything to hurt him and trusts him enough to put even his subconscious at ease. He would still react if Ba Ye said anything or touched him, but he never does, he sits there quietly and never wakes Zhang Rishan.

It’s impossible that Ba Ye just doesn’t notice, he has always been so perceptive, so this must be something he intends. Zhang Rishan is not entirely sure if he likes being manipulated like that, but he agreed to spend time with Ba Ye and if this is how he wants to spend it, then that is okay with him. Especially since there doesn’t seem to be much to learn from those movies except that time travel is dangerous and mostly sucks. Because there are so many consequences and things that can go wrong. And Ba Ye will always sum up what he thinks he has learned, so he doesn’t really miss anything.

That he really tries to go easier on the research again has at least made Ba Ye agree to wait for the next hallucination and see if the headache had anything to do with it or was really just stress. Zhang Rishan likes to think it’s the latter because those hallucinations are one thing, if they come with headaches now that makes them so much scarier. So he will deny any connection until it happens again.

It doesn’t, but the next hallucination already happens after seven days again, when it should be eight. This starts another round of worrying from everyone around him. Luo Que once even almost causes an accident because he was checking the rearview mirror too often, checking on Zhang Rishan and later admits ruefully that he now worries whenever Zhang Rishan sits too still for a longer period of time. Which is utterly inconvenient because he tends to do that.

It takes them another three weeks to realize that the rhythm is flowing backwards, seven, eight, six and seven days again. Being able to calculate it again makes the whole thing a little easier, even if he wonders what will happen when they reach the end of that backward flow. One hallucination every day? More than one? Will he end up trapped in that maybe-memory-maybe-illusory world of the cave and the dancing shadows of people with burning torches?

He tries not to think too much about that and no one has brought up something like that as of yet, so he hopes none of them have thought about it. Liang Wan suggests quite the opposite, that maybe they will vanish just as suddenly as they started once they have reached the end. Because she still doesn’t have any medical explanation for them so why should they not just vanish as magically as they appeared? It’s definitely a far less worrying theory than his own.

But the whole thing still ends up causing another almost-fight with Ba Ye on that same day, because Ba Ye keeps putting off and rescheduling different things he wanted to do with Liang Wan. Or things Liang Wan wants him to do, like get him fully vaccinated so she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. And since that’s going to involve needles Ba Ye had used every reason to reschedule. It’s almost strange to have Liang Wan not on Ba Ye’s side in an argument since all of this started.

It’s another tangle of worrying for each other, because Ba Ye finally admits he is not that scared of the needles but of the chance of needing to stay at the hospital for an undefined amount of time. Of leaving Zhang Rishan on his own during that time. He finally caves when Liang Wan promises to move into his room and stay as long as he might be gone in the absolutely unlikely case of something happening and also reminds him that Luo Que will always be willing to help in any way, too.

She actually gets him to agree to just get it over with the very next day, even if that means Zhang Rishan won’t be able to come along, because he has a meeting with the Chens. And he doesn’t have that many options to deny them on such short notice without drawing unwanted attention to things he doesn’t want them to know or make it any more obvious that he doesn’t really like them.

At this point he doesn’t even know why they want to meet with him, it’s not a Jiumen-meeting because they did not request Huo Xiuxiu’s presence. But it’s probably better to just get it over with. For both of them. Ba Ye picks up on that and tries to joke, “So why don’t we switch places? I can meet up with the Chens and you go and have some fun with the needles?” And he would actually rather get poked by some needles than to meet up with the Chens and find out what they have come up with this time.

“I don’t think the Chens are going to be okay with this trade?” Liang Wan jokes and Ba Ye makes a face and sighs again, long and heavy. “Fine, fine. I’ll go. But you will need to make something special for dinner, as compensation for leaving me all alone to get poked. I get to choose!” It’s not such an unusual demand that Zhang Rishan won’t agree and by now he almost expected something like that, so he just nods. Liang Wan seems very amused at the exchange. “You two are so adorable,” she says and ducks away from the pillow Ba Ye throws at her, laughing even more. “But since we are all in agreement now, can we go back to this? I was winning.”

As it turns out, the Chens want to talk about their family tree and the tomb beneath it. Chen Jinshui obviously took the book they found there with him to Gutong Jing and it was lost just like his life was. But the book had been about Gutong Jing, so no one had a use for it anymore anyway. And the rest of that tomb had been about Gutong Jing, too, it’s all useless now. But they still want to explore it, for some reason and this time they seem to be a little smarter by coming to him to ask about the dangers. The Tu Shi and the Shibie.

Zhang Rishan does not ask why they want to explore that tomb, it’s their land and they can do as they please. He really doesn’t want to get involved, so he tells them what they want to know about the Tu Shi and the Shibie and warns them that they won’t find any treasure hidden beneath that statue, because that was already taken by people of the Wang clan (and it had never been something anyone else could make use of anyway). It should probably worry him that they don’t seem to mind that, but he already has enough things to worry about and he doesn’t want to think about anything relating to Fo Ye and the Wang clan right now.

All in all the meeting is not as annoying as he had feared, but he is still glad when he can leave and go home. Liang Wan didn’t text, so he doesn’t have anything to worry about and can just wait for Ba Ye to come home. He doesn’t have to wait long to hear the key. And obviously everything really went well, because he can already hear Ba Ye whining unintelligibly at the door, even before Luo Que holds it open for him to go in. Both their expressions are really telling how glad they must be that it’s over, for very different reasons.

“Aiyah! Don’t just stand there! Look how badly hurt I am!” Ba Ye whines at him now, raising his arms just a bit in a way that clearly shows he thinks they are way too heavy to raise them any further. Zhang Rishan follows the request without really thinking about it and isn't surprised by how Ba Ye just lets himself stagger forward overly dramatic after slipping out of his shoes, trusting that he will be caught. “She stabbed me to death with her needles!” he whines, leaning most of his weight against Zhang Rishan, letting his arms hang mostly limp at his sides so Zhang Rishan has to wrap his arms around his waist to hold him up.

Over Ba Ye’s shoulder Zhang Rishan can see the exasperated, long-suffering expression on Luo Que’s face that telegraphs with absolute clarity: 'How can you live with this man?!' He can't help but smile, because it reminds him of himself yet again and he nods his thanks at Luo Que for taking Ba Ye to Liang Wan and back home. Luo Que raises an eyebrow with the tiniest hint of a smile before he nods back and leaves without a word.

And indeed, how can he live with this man? Thinking back, he remembers how much he had disliked Ba Ye’s antics in the beginning. Not exactly the physical part, Ba Ye had always been a tactile person. He liked to cling to arms or grab someone (mostly Fo Ye or later Zhang Rishan, too) to hide behind them but at the same time holding on to them like a shield when he was scared. But even outside of that he liked to pat shoulders or pull on someone’s arm to get their attention. He just liked to touch people close to him, that was part of who he was. It had been a strange thing getting used to but Zhang Rishan had never exactly minded it, as long as Ba Ye was not actively trying to keep him from doing something he needed to do.

The whining about such insignificant things was a whole other story. It had really annoyed him in the beginning, the actual reason why he was unhappy with being ordered to look out for Ba Ye. Always whining and trying to hide away from the things Fo Ye wanted him to do. Especially in his first months with Fo Ye, Zhang Rishan had never understood why Fo Ye always sent for Ba Ye, when he could do it himself just as well. But sooner rather than later he realized that Ba Ye was very good at what he did and that he knew so many things.

What life until then had taught him, in a way he could still recall even without memories, was that you had to be useful in some way. With the northern Zhangs that obviously meant be a good fighter or be a useful tool. Or both. Even better if you could be both. So, since Ba Ye was absolutely no fighter, he had to be a useful tool. Even if Fo Ye didn’t seem to put people in those categories, like his ‘family’ had done. The way he treated everyone around him was very different from what Zhang Rishan expected someone in his position to do.

Ba Ye had not seemed useful to Zhang Rishan in the beginning at all, more like a burden. Someone that needed protection. Someone that overdramatized little scratches and bumps and enjoyed whining about them way too much. He had been so young then, and so foolish. If Fo Ye had taught him anything it was that everybody had value, no matter what they were good at. And that he seemed to draw those people in.

So even if Ba Ye liked to make himself seem weak and meek and helpless and overall useless, he was really not. He was a quick thinker and had an incredible eye for details and people. He could read people so well. Even the way he was able to talk himself out of things was actually another valuable ability. And he knew perfectly well how to use those things to his advantage.

Now these antics just make Zhang Rishan smile and shake his head slightly. He wonders at what point in time he stopped thinking of it as annoying. Now it's familiar and strangely endearing and somehow he thinks he might even have missed it a little in all those years he spent alone.

“I cannot take another step, I’m too weak!” Ba Ye is whining against his shoulder even more dramatically. He lets his head fall forward, so that his forehead is resting against the bare skin of Zhang Rishan’s throat. It does feel a little warmer than usual, but Liang Wan had warned him this might happen. He also knows that Liang Wan wouldn’t have sent him home if there was something to worry about, so he doesn’t.

“You can’t take three more steps to the couch?” Zhang Rishan asks a little teasingly and Ba Ye draws back a little to pout at him. “Or did you want to go to bed?” Somehow that makes Ba Ye pout even more and he steps back to stagger to the couch and lets himself fall onto the cushions just as dramatically as before. “You should really have more compassion for me! I have to endure this whole torture again next week! And then again two weeks after that!” Groaning he rights himself just enough to put his glasses onto the table and then hides his face in the cushions.

Zhang Rishan watches him for a moment, but he doesn’t seem to want to get up again or move at all. “You should take off your coat, at least,” he says and Ba Ye groans again, turning his head to look at him reproachfully. “My poor arms are way too heavy to get out of this coat,” he half-mumbles against the fabric of the cushions. It makes Zhang Rishan shake his head again, but with a little smile and he helps Ba Ye out of his coat. It’s a small fight with much more groaning and whining, but in the end Ba Ye can lie back on the couch and Zhang Rishan can hang up his coat.

“Do you want some tea?” Ba Ye just nods weakly so Zhang Rishan makes tea for both of them. Ba Ye gets a pot of fresh ginger tea with honey, because he likes sweet tea. When Zhang Rishan puts the pot on the coffee table he also uses the chance to place his hand on Ba Ye’s forehead, but his fever doesn’t feel that high. “You do have a slight fever, but Liang Wan said that was to be expected. You should sleep it off,” he says and Ba Ye cracks one eye open to look at him.

“Slight?” he repeats disbelievingly and a little offended, like Zhang Rishan is obviously underestimating how much he is suffering. “The least you can do is cover me with that blanket so I won’t get worse!” He huffs and pouts even more when his obvious annoyance is amusing to Zhang Rishan. But of course he gets his blanket. “Anything else?” Zhang Rishan asks, lifting a brow and for a moment Ba Ye looks like he wants to say something, but then he pouts again and shakes his head.

“Good. I’ll be just over at the table anyway,” he adds, because he still remembers that one time where he had to feed Ba Ye his noodle soup because he wouldn’t stop whining about how his arm hurt too much to hold his chopsticks and how he was still so hungry and had worked so hard and didn’t deserve any of this. So he goes back to researching while Ba Ye dozes on the couch for most of the afternoon. He manages to hold his teacup by himself, although there is also a lot of moaning and groaning involved whenever he has to sit up and reach for it. Zhang Rishan frequently looks over to check on him and most times he is dozing, but a few times he finds him just quietly watching him. It’s a little strange, because he doesn’t seem to want anything (like more tea or more blankets) or maybe he just doesn’t want to say.

When it’s time for dinner Ba Ye wants to stay on the couch and he keeps sulking until Zhang Rishan joins him there with his own bowl of soup. But he eats the lotus root and chicken soup he had chosen all by himself without whining about his arms being too weak to hold the spoon. But he supposes a spoon is easier to hold than chopsticks and that was maybe why Ba Ye wanted to have it. While Zhang Rishan cleans up the dishes Ba Ye goes to his room and he assumes it’s to go to bed and get some real sleep. But Ba Ye actually comes back in his pajamas to lie back on the couch and snuggle under his blanket.

After he is done with the kitchen, he sits back at the table to continue his research, but Ba Ye doesn’t seem too pleased about that. “You have been reading that book for the last two hours, you can do that just as well here on the couch,” he grumbles. Which is true. So Zhang Rishan sits with Ba Ye instead, who instantly uses his thigh as a pillow and murmurs, “That’s better.” He sighs contentedly and doesn’t seem to mind that Zhang Rishan uses his chance to put his hand on his forehead and check his temperature again. It’s still a little warmer than usual, but already better.

The rest of the evening goes by mostly in silence, with Ba Ye dozing and Zhang Rishan immersed in his still fruitless research. He only realizes how late it already is when Ba Ye starts snoring softly and seems to have drifted off to actual sleep. He should probably go to bed, too. For a moment he contemplates letting Ba Ye sleep on the couch, but sleeping in bed would be better for him and he might wake him when he gets up anyway.

Gathering him into his arms to carry him to his bed is the logical thing to do, especially when he is already cradling Ba Ye’s head to get up. It just feels - strange. They have slept in close quarters so often, he has watched over Ba Ye sleeping just as often, he knows how Ba Ye looks when he sleeps. He had slept on his lap just now. People tend to look softer and younger and more vulnerable in their sleep, he knows that. Ba Ye is no exception. But the way his head rolls against Zhang Rishan’s shoulder from picking him up elicits a sudden and intense rush of protectiveness he is utterly unprepared for. It’s completely illogical, there is no war, no Wang clan, no imminent danger, nothing Ba Ye should need protecting from. And he had protected Ba Ye from a lot of things that were actually dangerous without ever feeling like this.

Sighing quietly about his own thoughts he rights himself, finding his balance with Ba Ye’s additional weight. He really seems to have drifted off to sleep or he doesn’t mind being carried and trusts him enough to not even stir. The apartment is not that big, so the distance to Ba Ye’s room and his bed are no problem. Normally he wouldn’t just go into Ba Ye’s room without being invited, but he’s not gonna stay and look around. He has another utterly strange moment when he doesn’t want to let go of Ba Ye immediately, because some part of his mind argues that it would be so much easier to keep him safe if he just kept him in his arms. Where he would be safe.

Shaking his head at his ridiculous thoughts and wondering where those even come from, he carefully puts Ba Ye down on his bed and pulls the blankets over his sleeping form. He gives in to the need to check his temperature again and it does feel mostly normal again, so he should be back on his feet tomorrow. Ba Ye doesn’t stir once, his face completely relaxed from sleep and it really does make him look soft and in need of protection. Not that he needs any more reasons to want to keep him safe, anyway.

Zhang Rishan is still confused at his own strange thoughts and absolutely not prepared to find a silver chain at the side of the sink, both of Fo Ye’s rings strung onto it. Had Ba Ye been wearing them like that, beneath his clothes? He carefully picks it up but the weight on the palm of his hand feels too heavy. He closes his fist around the rings on their chain and chases away the memory of the pattern leaving angry red imprints on his palm. That’s not something he wants to think about ever again. Carefully going back to Ba Ye’s room he leaves the chain on his nightstand so he will be able to find it again in the morning.

But now he is no longer tired and he doesn’t think he could find any sleep, even if he tried. He contemplates going back to reading, but he doesn’t think he could focus on that now, so instead he goes to the roof to get rid of this nervous energy. It’s what’s worked best for him to empty his head of unwanted thoughts in the past.

It does help and he might get just very little sleep that night, but he still feels better. Ba Ye also seems much better the next day, only whining a little about his arms still hurting. But apparently not enough to keep him from going back to his books and scrolls like he wants to make up for lost time. Just working side by side like before thankfully keeps Zhang Rishan from any more strange thoughts, at least until Ba Ye remembers his meeting with the Chens and asks what they wanted.

He feels strangely reluctant to tell Ba Ye what the Tu Shi made him see, so he just mentions that they cause hallucinations that kill people without saying he had also been affected. As far as he knows Wu Xie had told Ba Ye most of the things about Gutong Jing already, albeit a little reluctantly, so he doesn’t have to go far afield. That trip hadn’t given them much in terms of Gutong Jing anyway, even if Chen Jinshui found that book, but it had at least saved some lifes. Who knew how many more they would have sent there to die. Ba Ye’s focus seems to be on Fo Ye’s statue as much as on how Chen Jinshui betrayed them in the end and left them to die.

It makes Ba Ye like the Chens even less than he already apparently does, which really shouldn’t be surprising. Zhang Rishan hasn’t painted a good picture of them so far, there is nothing for Ba Ye to like about them. But he obviously tries to not think about the Chens too much and asks about Fo Ye instead. Why he would build a statue of himself there and what he had been doing in Gutong Jing in the first place. It’s not exactly Zhang Rishan’s favorite topic either, too many people had died in Gutong Jing and too much of it had to do with the Wang clan, but he tells Ba Ye anyway. Even if he looks sad afterwards again.

And one quiet, normal day is apparently all they get. The next morning, just after breakfast Zhang Rishan gets a message from the Chen clan again, requesting his presence on their land as soon as possible. It sounds really urgent, not unlike the message he got when they requested his help before and after they just asked about the Tu Shi and the Shibie living under their tree he can vividly imagine what this is about. They will need most of the day to get there, and he really doesn’t want to be with the Chens on a hallucination day. But there is no way around it.

He calls Luo Que to pack his things and come get him. “Let me come with you!” Ba Ye says as soon as he has hung up, looking worried but also determined. “Absolutely not.” They are both surprised at the fierceness of his tone, but he hopes his surprise is not as visible as Ba Ye’s. “But those are the people who left you and Luo Que for dead the last time!” Ba Ye protests and his surprise already shifts to annoyance.

“Yes. Which is exactly why I don’t want you anywhere near them.” Just the thought of taking Ba Ye there and putting him in unnecessary danger feels so utterly and completely wrong. They had barely made it out alive last time, if anything like that were to happen again he would never be able to forgive himself. He needs Ba Ye to be safe and that’s not something he would be in that place. And he can see that Ba Ye is taking those words the wrong way, but he has to go, there is no time to argue.

It’s absolute chaos when they arrive late in the evening. People are running around and no one can find Boss Chen or tell them what exactly happened. And then the whole ancestral tree just explodes, wood and earth and stone raining down everywhere. They are still too far away to be affected by the explosion or the debris raining down, but the toxin gets them.

It’s almost like the first time, but it doesn’t help him in any way that he knows what causes this or that this is a hallucination. It feels too real. He sees Fo Ye in his perfectly spotless, green uniform again, leaning against his desk with folded arms. The cap is resting on the desk this time, but the look of disappointed anger is the same. His anger is not about Gutong Jing this time, it’s about Ba Ye and how Zhang Rishan was supposed to protect Ba Ye, to keep him safe. And how he utterly and completely failed at that task and instead caused him irreparable harm by having him ripped from his home. By having him lose everyone. By taking him away from Fo Ye.

Just like the last time he doesn’t move at all when Fo Ye raises his gun, because he knows he is guilty of every single thing Fo Ye said. And he knows he deserves to be punished for that. It’s so much worse than the last time and he tries to ignore how much his eyes burn when he closes them and just awaits his punishment. What he doesn’t know is if that is what makes him wake up again, that he just accepts the death this hallucination is presenting him with and doesn’t try to fight it or to run away.

He gets back to his feet, hiding his face in the crook of his arm to get at least some protection from the dust still in the air. Telling himself that it’s the dust making his eyes burn and tear up and not the hallucination. Luo Que has been hit by the toxin just as hard and he has no other way than to knock him out so he can pull him up and drag him away from this mess. There are a few other people that either haven’t been affected by the toxin or have managed to escape it just like he did and they are smart enough to cover their faces with masks so they don’t inhale anything.

Somehow they manage to get the few survivors out of the crater, but apparently most of the people have been swept down into the tomb by a landslide caused by the explosion. And they should be grateful the hole covered itself up like that again, because the Tu Shi are one thing, but it would have been so much more terrible if the Shibie got out. Zhang Rishan can’t even muster the energy to be angry anymore, but the idiotic current boss of the Chen clan just died with his people anyway.

It’s the kind of mess that would have been terrible on any other day, but now he is already spread so thin that he can barely handle it. His mind keeps bringing up the picture of Fo Ye’s hand, young and healthy, the fingers with the rings wrapped around the edge of the desk. Tapping slowly against the wood while he is listing Zhang Rishan’s many failures. And the other one, where his hand is old, wrinkly, the rings loose around the thin fingers. The one he tried so hard to unsee.

If they wanted to get into his good graces by unearthing the statue with an explosion (and that is exactly what some of them are saying), they achieved quite the opposite of that by their stupidity and he lets them know in as few words as possible that they are to leave this place as it is. No digging. No more explosions. Let the statue and everything else stay buried.

Luo Que finds him sitting at the edge of the crater the next morning, exhausted and just staring at the dark earth that had just swallowed more than twenty people. There is nothing more they can do here, it’s up to the Chens to care for their wounded and to do the sensible thing for once. He dusts himself off and is thankful that for once there is nothing more than that on his clothes and hands and he can wash it off easily.

“Are you good to drive back?” he asks Luo Que quietly, who just nods, concern already creeping into his eyes. “Then please take me back home.” Luo Que just nods again, but he keeps stealing worried glances in the rearview mirror once they are on their way. Especially after Zhang Rishan blanks out to his own cave with dancing shadows and burning torches causing strange patterns all around those shadows. At least that didn’t happen in front of the Chens. Luo Que doesn’t say anything and just keeps on looking worried while he drives them all the way home again. Which is everything Zhang Rishan wants for now. Go home, sleep, forget.

In the car he dozes off just for a bit, because even that lightest of sleep gets disrupted by memory-nightmares and he doesn’t need Luo Que to see that. As soon as they get close to Beijing it starts to pour, which slows them down further. At least he doesn’t have to walk through the rain when they finally arrive at his building, but he can still feel Luo Que’s worried stare on his back.

When he finally opens his apartment door Ba Ye is still sitting at the table, his open laptop in front of him. Ba Ye looks up and already looks very angry, jumping up from his seat at the table and clutching the backrest tightly enough to make his knuckles stand out white. But he at least waits until Zhang Rishan has closed the door until he says, “‘Zhang Da Fo Ye died alone in a veterans’ home’!”

The sharp words make his head jerk all the way up reflexively to stare at Ba Ye. That was not at all what he expected Ba Ye to be angry about. Why does he say that now? How does he even know that? “You told me you were with him till the end! Did you lie to me? Why would you lie to me? To make me feel better?” His voice trembles with anger and his eyes are shiny with frustration and betrayal as he stomps towards Zhang Rishan with quick, angry steps.

“I did not lie to you. I was with him till the end,” Zhang Rishan answers, looking down at his hands again. This is going somewhere he does not like at all and he is already so exhausted. He had packed that memory away so well, into the box labeled ‘unbearable’ that he is not supposed to have. Buried deep, deep down, somewhere where he would never have to look at it again. He knows Fo Ye is dead, has been dead for quite a while now, he does not need to remember how or when or where. The fact alone is terrible enough.

Until this moment he had been convinced that he had managed it, that this memory had been locked away tightly enough. But parts of it had already seeped through some cracks, right back into his sight. And suddenly it’s like he is there again, like another vivid hallucination painted by Tu Shi toxin. Sitting at that tiny bed in that dimly lit tiny room. Holding onto Fo Ye’s wrinkly, old and far too frail hand, the rings digging into his palm almost to the point of pain, leaving an imprint he will be able to see even after he lets go of the cold hand. The smell of old and sick and dead permeating everything. Fo Ye telling him in his weak, old voice that they are not done with their fight against the invisible enemy yet. It feels impossible that this man could die like this, after everything he has done. It’s not fair. This is not how it is supposed to be. It’s so hard not to cry, but he can't, he just can't, the moisture would disturb the mask and he can never be seen here. No one can know that he is still alive. He has to endure it and sit here trembling, not allowed to cry.

It feels like losing him all over again.

How could he ever forget that horrible moment? He tries to shove the memory back into its box, but it’s too terrifyingly large and vivid now and he is too worn out to fight it properly. There are too many cracks for it to seep through. It feels like it just happened and his heart aches so fiercely that he can’t breathe for a moment. It’s an impossible thing to focus back onto the here and now, but he owes Ba Ye an answer. He owes Ba Ye the truth.

Blinking hard against the sudden moisture in his eyes brought forth by the memory he repeats, “I was with him.” There is a strain in his voice he can’t suppress. “But I had to hide.” He had shown Ba Ye all the masks, he should understand what he means by ‘hide’. Wear the face of someone else, live the life of someone else. “He was not alone.” At least in his moment of death.

Ba Ye stays where he is, one arm’s length away. He is quiet for a moment, fidgeting with his hands against his sides. “You said he had a good life….” It’s not really a question but Zhang Rishan understands what Ba Ye is asking. If he lied about that so Ba Ye didn’t feel bad, when he already omitted so much. That Fo Ye had to spend that last part of his life in a veterans home does not sound like a ‘good life’ and Zhang Rishan had hated every minute of it. But he had hated a lot of the things that had happened before that. And after that. What he felt about these things had never been important anyway. And he owes Ba Ye an answer to this too. He looks up through his lashes at him, but he at least looks calmer than before, staring at a point on the floor between them.

“He died knowing he did his best with what he was handed. Of course his life was not easy, how could it be in those times and for someone in his position? He had to make decisions that broke his heart, but he always kept going. He always believed he did all that he could to protect his people. Of course it could have been better, it could have been easy. It could have been peaceful, full of children and laughter and happiness, without all the responsibility he had to carry. But that’s not what we get. Wouldn’t you say it’s a good life when you look back at the end of it and know you did everything you could do to make things better?”

Now his eyes are really burning and he looks away again, turning his head to the side even though it won’t help much because Ba Ye is right in front of him. It was a hard life, but it was spent doing the right things, they can't expect any more. Ba Ye must see that too, he has to. It doesn’t help that Ba Ye still doesn’t say anything, just stands so still. And Zhang Rishan can't take the silence, not now, he needs Ba Ye to say it's right. That it's true. Because if not, then what was the point of any of it? That would be too cruel.

Only when he moves to pass by him and leave does Ba Ye move, grabbing his arm to hold him back. He still doesn't say anything. And this time Zhang Rishan doesn’t want to be held back so he slips his arm out of the hold. “I wouldn’t lie to you about this. I wouldn’t blanch it over to make you feel better.”

Frustrated with himself he wipes at his cheek, wiping away the tear that slipped out despite his effort to blink it away. He only manages a few slow steps away from the door before he hears Ba Ye turn and follow. When Ba Ye touches him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders from behind, he doesn’t evade the hold a second time. “I’m sorry,” Ba Ye says, tightening his hold. Zhang Rishan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Ba Ye’s face feels too warm where he leans it against the bare skin of his neck.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, a little muffled from the way he presses his cheek against Zhang Rishan. “It’s just… you keep me safe, you always keep me safe, so I thought this might be something you would want to keep me safe from, too.” Oh he tries that, he tries so hard to keep him safe, because that is what he needs. He hadn't managed to keep Fo Ye safe, no matter how hard he had tried, there was no way to save him from time. And did Fo Ye not just tell him that he hasn’t managed to keep Ba Ye safe, either?

He feels the way Ba Ye has to swallow before he can continue, “I was angry because Fo Ye deserved better than that. But you are right, it’s the best any of us can hope for. Can we- can we just sit down and talk about this?" Ba Ye is lightly tugging on him and normally it would be enough to turn him around, make him go over to the couch and sit down. But right now he does not want to sit down and look at Ba Ye. He doesn't think he can bear to be looked at. Not right now.

"No," he says, the strain back in his voice. It should probably feel good to be held and comforted like this, but guilt is rearing its ugly head again, reminding him that he technically shouldn’t be allowed to have this. That he took this away from Fo Ye. And he already had the longevity that Fo Ye deserved far more than he did, why does he get to have this, too? If it hadn't been for him making wishes Ba Ye could have still been alive and with Fo Ye. If it hadn't been for him Fo Ye wouldn't have to be so alone in the end. And maybe that is the thought that does it, the too much he can’t take anymore.

“I can’t, not right now,” he forces out, freeing himself from the embrace. Part of him knows it’s unfair, that he is just hurting Ba Ye more by running away, but he can’t do this, he just can’t. This time nothing can hold him back from leaving. Even if part of him knows it’s pure flight, that it’s childish and weak, he doesn’t care, only stops when he is in his bedroom, leaning against the closed door.

Why is this so hard all of a sudden? He had known all those things. Not for the first time he wishes he could just take a bottle of wine and drink his pain away, take the edge off of everything. But alcohol had never helped him forget things, it mostly made him even more sad and the amount he would have to drink to get wasted enough to not care anymore just isn’t worth it. Fucking Zhang legacy. So instead he forces his body to get up again (and when had he even sat down on the ground?) and goes to the roof to use training to shut up his mind again. It’s still pouring but he isn’t bothered, he doesn’t mind the chill and the sound is useful to hide any unusual sounds he might cause.

He uses almost every weapon he has stored there, his body automatically falling into the steps without him having to think about it, even though it’s already protesting the lack of proper rest. But his mind just won’t shut up, the utter exhaustion of his body doesn’t do anything to exhaust his mind, too. He has no idea how long he is already up here, but he keeps on swinging and slashing until all his muscles are trembling and he would be drenched in sweat if it wasn’t still raining. Until Ba Ye manages to sneak up on him and take the weapon out of his hand, because he is too exhausted to sense his presence or react to it appropriately.

The dao clatters to the ground because Ba Ye carelessly tosses it away and the sound makes Zhang Rishan actually flinch. In his mind he can almost hear Fo Ye berating him that he shouldn’t treat a perfectly good weapon like that. But Ba Ye is gripping his shoulders tightly, shaking him a little and he is talking. Zhang Rishan should probably listen. But it takes so much energy to focus.

“-alk to me. Rishan, please. Now you need to tell me how to help you.” He doesn’t know that. How would he know that? He has no idea what to do himself. How could he tell Ba Ye what to do? Ba Ye usually knows these things, not him. He doesn’t even know why he is on his knees on the ground suddenly, pressed too tightly against Ba Ye’s chest in a bone crushing embrace.

“I asked Wu Xie and while I think he may not know the whole story, he told me that there was an incident where Fo Ye lost almost all members of his family. That you were listed among the dead, too. That Fo Ye and Xie Jiuye had a power struggle because Fo Ye was closely working with that so-called ‘IT’ that turned out to be that Wang clan. It’s not true, is it? All of that was a ruse in the fight against the Wang clan, right?” Of course Ba Ye understands it without him having to say anything. He knows Fo Ye. Still he nods against Ba Ye’s shoulder.

“He sacrificed all of his family, even you, for this fight. And no one knew.” He nods again and the burning in his eyes is back full force. “He let everybody think he was the bad guy.” Another nod and he doesn’t know at what point he hugged Ba Ye back, but his fingers are gripping Ba Ye’s clothes so hard that it hurts. And now he is actually crying, breath hitching on painful sobs.

“You’re right, his life could have been easier. But he spent it doing what he felt was right and fighting for it. To change things for the better. That’s good. It was a good life, Rishan.” Some strange, strangled sound escapes his throat at those words and Ba Ye gently strokes the back of his head, still holding him close. No one has ever done this, no one has ever held him while he cried. In fact he doesn’t think he has ever cried in front of someone. But somehow it doesn’t feel wrong or like something he shouldn’t do.

“It’s okay, just cry, everything will be alright,” Ba Ye is murmuring quietly, still stroking Zhang Rishan’s head and he is so exhausted. But maybe, just maybe, Ba Ye is right. Maybe he can make himself believe that everything might be alright after all.

#zhang rishan #ba ye #qi tiezui #fuba #mystic nine #dmbj fic

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arofili · 4 years ago

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Maybe Aredhel/Celegorm with 19? I wish there was more content of them!

(ft. alloaro Aredhel and alloaro-recently-realized-he’s-actually-demiro Celegorm. and ANGST.

also, under a cut for nsfw.)

19. One person stopping a kiss to ask “Do you want to do this?”, only to have the other person answer with a deeper, more passionate kiss.

~~~

It was perfect, better than he’d imagined, fierce and possessive and overwhelming. Tyelkormo didn’t like to be dominated, but for her, he would bend and bow. For her, he would do anything—and he’d never thought he’d be rewarded like this.

He clung to her, desperate, wanting everything, wanting it all. They’d talked together, in years past, of how the need to find a mate was something foreign to them both: at least, a mate for life, a mate for the fëa. Neither of them were strictly opposed to exploring their hröar with another elda. But though Tyelkormo had hoped, had dreamed, had wanted her for a long time, he never thought she would look to him that way, even after his heart took on a different rhythm in its love for her.

But now she was kissing him and he thought that if she asked, he could fly.

And yet: even as their lips met, as they fumbled with each other’s clothes, as Tyelkormo felt his blood rise and his heart beat faster, there was still lingering doubt in his mind. Did she want him the way he wanted her? Did she want his hröa only, or his fëa also? He would give her anything, take anything she offered, but he had to know, he had to—

“Do you want to do this?” he rasped, pausing before she could tear his trousers off. “I mean—me and you—or is this...is it just—”

Írissë laughed and stole his lips once more, fisting his cock in her hand, biting at his lips with a passion he’d craved for years. Stars burst behind Tyelkormo’s eyes, and for a blazing, beautiful moment he thought yes yes yes she DOES want me, she loves me, she—

“I’m not about to make you my husband,” Írissë scoffed into the corner of his mouth, as if the notion were utterly ridiculous, not something he’d guiltily dreamed of in recent years. “I’m just tired of pretending I don’t want your cock.” She flicked her finger over its head, to prove to her point. “And your mouth. And your hands. And your—”

Tyelkormo kissed her again to hide the arrow she’d just shot into his heart. He wanted that too, wanted it more than anything but what she still could not give him. And he couldn’t begrudge her that: he’d thought he was the same for so very long. She felt safe around him, safe enough to do this, to straddle him and sink down on his lap, give him half of what he needed without expecting what they’d both mocked in the past. He couldn’t ruin that for her. He wouldn’t.

He’d take what she gave him, he told himself even as he thrust up into her welcoming heat and bit at her lips in that way that made her moan, and he’d be glad of it.

#silm #silmarillion #aredhel #celegorm #aredhel x celegorm #aretyel #aro tolkien #nsft #my writing #my fic #tefain nin #prompts #astral romances #answers #hasty riser

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radiosandrecordings · 5 years ago

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hi ive been afraid to touch tma fics since fate or something ended because every time i go in the tag i lose seven years of my life do you have any recs?

OH BOY DO I! I gotcha anon. Just gona run through my bookmarks here so some of these are oldies but goodies. I’ll also for simplicity’s sake try and go with ones that are finished.

Starting off literally anything by @cirrus-grey and @bibliocratic they’re both phenomenal TMA writers, specifically that good jonmartin content (And they both write so much that this list would be 90% the two of them if I tagged each individual fic)

And not to self promo but there’s always my ao3, elfgrunge, but a lot of it is QUITE OLD so I can’t vouch for the quality

Jonmartin:

Interwoven was my first love of tma fics, phenomenal 40 chapter fic with that superhero/journalist dynamic with Martin as basically Spiderman? And a big big metaplot. (Sharky doesn’t have a tumblr to tag unfortunately)

Write Me A Letter by @theritaminute! Season 4 fic where JM write post it notes to each other while Martin is working for Peter.

searching for a light (for a right) by @kalgalen is a repulsed-ace Jon fic that makes me cry. Very good and cathartic

The World Is Always Ending (So Let’s Make Time Now) Roadtrip to Scotland fic, has a demiro Martin scene that also made me cry

Small Things, Simple Acts is another roadtrip to Scotland fic

The Reminiscences Of Martin Blackwood, Post Mortem by is a Victorian au with Lonely Martin who’s a journalist, and begins with him investigating the mysterious man in a six month coma. I think I might actually still have a few chapters left to catch up on but it’s been great so far. It does have some petermartin but as someone who normally avoids that I think it was actually handled pretty well as an abusive dynamic.

be kind, i beg you Look at a certain point the Scotland fics blur together in my brain but I’m going to trust past me that this was good enough to get bookmarked. it’s 15K of pining and I’ll probably reread it tonight

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner Safehouse fic. Newly confession’d JM accidentally lead their neighbours to believe they’re just married. Said neighbours are very insistent on becoming their best friends.

wouldn’t it be nice Is a uni au that makes me say yes. yes it would be nice.

Chamomile. The thing-that-is-not-tea gets Archive Dog’d

Jongerrymartin

Visible World is a collection of fics, all very domestic

Because You Feel Like Home Has a chapter focusing on each duo, and then them as a trio (So, four)

Illicio is a rewrite of S4 but Gerry is brought back by the Beholding when Jon wakes up. I know I said only fully written things but it’s SO GOOD and currently updating regularly

Other

The Weight We Carry is Love Made me cry last summer hiding in a spare room in my grandmother’s house and I would describe it as part fanfic part therapy. No powers au, focuses on Jongeorgie in uni and then jonmartin in the later chapters, while Jon is still friends with Georgie. involves a lot of christmas parties. The jongeorgie dynamic is just... so fucking good

not what it was made out to be Do you also wish to project onto a bi ace trans guy who thinks kissing is okay but isn’t like, super into it? Yeah. It’s real nice. Jongeorgie.

Mere Monstrosity is jongerry childhood friends timeline up through to the actual podcast time

I did not think I was capable of feeling sympathy for jimmy magma but then the act of creation said ‘but what if trans’ and made me cry about him

#My Post #FUCK THAT TOOK A WHILE #now I want to reread half of these hmmm #sorry they're all jon -1 but I play favourites shamelessly

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mydemonsdrivealimo · 11 months ago

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3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

11. Is your oc open about their identity? Are they more lowkey or more blunt about it? Why or why not?

12. Does/did your oc ever wish they could change the way they are? Why? If it's in the past, how did they get over the feeling? (this can be about internalized homo/transphobia)

For both Jensen and Bryce... And could I also ask for Cy, too? 👀 If so, maybe a quick 1 and 2 for them as well.

ty for the ask!! i think ill actually answer for cyrus in a different post bc id like to finish up their profile first :)

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

jensen honestly didnt know for a long time. he was aware there was something "off" like he didnt really feel the same way his peers felt, but also he didnt really have the means or time to care or "discover" it? he likes who he likes, and thats about as complex as it went for him. once he was in college he really accepted and realized that he was into other people the same way he was "supposed" to be into girls, so he started actually experimenting more. as for being aspec, i think he figured that out later in med school. he was relatively isolated as far as friendships and relationships went, so he really got to explore that and how it related to him. gender has always been a weird thing for him, and he still doesnt quite know where he stands on it

bryce has always known. hes been kissing boys forever, and there were no fucks given from him. even if his parents discouraged him it never really stopped him, and he still had plenty of boyfriends and other partners through high school, undergrad, and med school. he didnt find out/realize that he was demiro until he was w jensen though. jensen was the first relationship he had where he actually felt,, right? and once he talked to jensen about it, he helped him to find a label that he felt fit (in this fic)

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

jensen can see their purpose but doesnt like them for himself, and bryce likes them but also gets not wanting to use them. jensen will always use "queer" because its easier for him than trying to explain every nuance of his sexuality and gender, and he feels really confined by lables. bryce on the other hand really likes having ways to describe what he is/what feels best for him, and it makes him happy to have a collective sense of belonging/understanding with others who use the same label

11. Is your oc open about their identity? Are they more lowkey or more blunt about it? Why or why not?

bryce and jensen are both very open with their identities, though jensen (as per usual) tends to be more reserved about it. theyre both blunt in terms of telling people, and bryce tends to be quicker to share, but jensen usually waits until its relevant. bryce prefers to be blunt about it bc he likes to weed out the people who will be asses, but also it just wouldn't feel right to him to build a relationship where he felt that he couldnt be open about it. he would never want to trap himself in a friendship or any relationship where he had to hide that part of himself. for jensen, hes just not really the type to share anything about himself often. hes the type of person where he will know everything about you, but you know nothing about him, and this definitely applies to that. its just more how he is than anything to do w his identity

12. Does/did your oc ever wish they could change the way they are? Why? If it's in the past, how did they get over the feeling? (this can be about internalized homo/transphobia)

no, not really. bryce and jensen have always been relatively comfortable with who they are, and, even if there were people that thought otherwise, they still knew they were in the right for it. like bryce didnt grow up w accepting parents, jensens mom never talked about stuff like that, but there were so many other issues going on that it wasn't super significant for either of them (bryce a little, but jensen just never worried about it). once they were away from their home environments they were both able to explore more of themselves, and they never really wanted to change any of it

#asks answers #bryce lahela × jensen valentine #jensen valentine #bryce lahela #open heart

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jerzwriter · 11 months ago

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For whichever characters you want/feel comfortable talking about 😊

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

7. Is there something that could cause your oc to question their identity? What?

16. Did you ever change an oc's identity when they were already established? Why?

19. Do you have preferences about depicting homo/transphobia in your stories? What, and why? Does it vary by story?

The year-end asks were more complex than I expected, but I can do these. lol From this list.

Thanks for the ask, Ren! I'm going to answer for Casey and Trystan/Carolina.

6. How does your OC feel about labels? Theirs, or in general.

In general, all three aren't fond of labels. They're more likely to use the umbrella term "queer," and they just live their lives as who they are. Their identity could even be fluid, and labels could just hinder that. So overall, they're not big fans. lol But,that's their feelings for them. They know labels can help others, and they support them using them if they do. Carolina, in particular, learned that on a personal level. She knew she was bisexual as long as she could remember, but it wasn't until after college that she realized she was demiromantic. She assumed she was just "odd" and "different" from her friends and family, and that did nothing good for her on a mental/emotional level. Also, many "blamed" her "problems" on the trauma she endured when her father was murdered, so she just bought into that and assumed there was something "wrong" with her that needed fixing, then when she couldn't "fix" it, it set her back in many ways. It wasn't until she started seeing a therapist who had real knowledge of the LGBTQIA community that she realized there wasn't anything wrong with her, and this was one time giving it a name that helped her tremendously.

7. Is there something that could cause your OC to question their identity?

With Casey, she questioned her identity for quite some time. Her parents were very open-minded, but her mother's side of the family was not cool at all, and her father's was better but not great. The expectation was she'd date men, and that's what she did at first. It's no surprise that her HS relationship was with a boy who she was good friends with. They were "dating," but in reality, their relationship was really friendship. In retrospect, she realizes it just provided a place for her to "hide" as she tried to figure herself out.

Attending NYU was the first time she felt surrounded by people who understood her and encouraged her to be her true self. But it still wasn't easy as bisexuality is often not welcome, even in the LGBTQIA community. But she knew she was bi, and she never doubted that again. Outsiders cast doubt on her, and while that can be painful, she knows that she knows who she is better than anyone else, so she dismisses it.

Trystan was always accepting of his bisexuality, but he had to hide it because of his role as monarch. That caused some feelings of shame, and when he was younger, he wished he could "convince" himself to be straight, but he knew that wasn't a possibility. Being out of the monarchy was a huge relief to him in many ways, because he felt he was free to be himself.

Carolina had no issues with her bisexuality from the time she was very young. I HC that she was open with her father about this before he died, and he was supportive of her. That love and support left her very confident and assured, so she didn't think questioning/doubt was part of her vocabulary. But, as mentioned above, that wasn't the case with her being demiro. She questioned that lot, then, when she developed romantic feelings for Trystan, she questioned it again. It took some time for her to understand/accept this.

16. Did you ever change an OCs identity once they were already established? Why?

Ren. Darling. My dear friend. Do you WANT me to get more anon hate? Like - I don't get enough? lol (JK JK) .

The only person I ever changed after established was Carolina (COP) being demiro, and that's because when I looked at her character, it really made sense. But my queer characters have been queer from the start; my straight characters have been straight from the start. There is one particular straight character that, now, I'd love to change to bisexual... but I won't. Partially because the world is far too big/established, and it would take a lot for me to change it at this point. Second, it could appear to some that I was bullied into the decision, and if you know me, you know I can be a stubborn bitch, and I'm not about to have that. lol But, I think they might be bi in some future AUs. We'll see. (And that's all I have to say about that... I mean outside of DMs lol)

19. Do you have preferences about depicting homo/transphobia in your stories? What, and why? Does it vary by story?

It honestly makes me very uncomfortable to write any form of queerphobia, but I also think it's necessary. There isn't one queer person walking this earth who hasn't experienced phobia, so it would be inauthentic to never show it in my fics. However, I also don't want to focus on it. Too many people, ironically, usually straight writers writing for queer characters, tend to focus on trauma. Bruh, that's not all that we are. That's not what it's all about. And the last thing I want to do when I sit down to read is focus too heavily on that. But again, I think it would be wrong to avoid it completely.

Now, here's the irony. When I've dealt with some issues of biphobia in my fics, it has been difficult for me at times, but in reality, it's been very cathartic. I've gotten that feedback from some readers as well. So I think it can be good to depict, but it has to be done thoughtfully.

Thanks for the asks, Ren! :)

#lgbtqia asks #asks answered #character asks

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entity9silvergen · 4 years ago

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Mosaic (Disenchantment Fanfiction)

Summary: We are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Bean doesn’t think she can love like everyone else but maybe that’s okay.

Fandom: Disenchantment

Word Count: 2K

Characters: Bean

Relationships: Bean/ Mora, Mentioned Bean & Everyone, Mentioned Odval/ Sorcerio, Mentioned Zog/ Oona, Mentioned Zog/ Dagmar

Warnings: Internalized arophobia, first person pov, some self-deprecation, sex mention, drug mention, mention of interspecies relationships in fantasy setting

Other Tags: F/F, Mentioned F/F QPR, Reflection/ Self-Reflection/ Internal Thoughts, No Dialogue, Queerplatonic, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Homosexual Character, Arospec Character, Queer Themes, Unreliable Narrarator, S3E6, Oneshot, AroWriMo 2021

Author’s Note: My friend sent me the line “I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved” about twenty minutes after I watched “Final Splash.” I’m working on the prompt for Week 2 of AroWriMo rn but I had to drop everything and write a short fic about this. Again, I didn’t really use the prompt but it kind of fits with week 1’s prompt romo/loveless & future.

I’m headcanonnoning Bean as aro or demiro/ greyro. I think in the show it was implied she never experienced romantic attraction prior to meeting Mora because she likes women and I don’t want to erase that in any way but Bean still gives off a big aromantic bisexual homo(queer)platonic vibe.

_____________________

My name is Princess Tiabeanie of Dreamland and I’ve never loved anyone.

I mean, I love my dad and my friends and all that but I’ve never loved loved anyone. Is that weird to say? That makes it sound like I don’t really love my dad and Elfo and Luci and everyone. I probably shouldn’t say that then because I actually love them a lot. They’re my everything.

One time, I was walking down Elf-Ally and this elf was sitting on the side of the road with some chalk. I feel like elves would really like chalk but I’ve never seen any of them use it, not even Arto, except this guy. I’d never seen anything like it before so I asked what he was doing and he said he was making this mosaic to show his love for this other elf he liked. I didn’t really understand it so he explained it to me like this: we are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are.

I still didn’t get it so I just laughed at him and he got kind of upset and threw a piece of chalk at me. It didn’t really hurt but Luci was with me and the elf started throwing stuff at him and you know how Luci gets when he hits his nose so we left. I couldn’t really forget what that elf said though.

You see, a mosaic is a mix of a bunch of little pieces taken from different things that all come together to make one thing. There’s this mosaic at the church and it’s pretty freaking ugly but the mosaic this elf was making was just so beautiful. He used so many colors and he drew all these little pictures and hid these words I didn’t understand in them. I’d expect it to be all crude and gross like those scribbly pictures Derek would draw when he was younger that Oona pretended to love but it all came together so well. It didn’t even look like separate pieces. It was just one.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The influences of countless parts of my life, weaving together into an insanely complex mesh- That felt like me. I always felt like something was broken in me but maybe I’m just a mosaic.

I think my dad made me who I am the most. Even if he wasn’t really present most of my life. Sure, we don’t see eye to eye sometimes but I think we’re better because of that. He made me strong. His actions guided me into becoming the woman I am today. He taught me how to keep fighting. Literally and figuratively. He taught me to keep my head up and he taught me how to stab people. It’s pretty cool. I remember this one time as a kid he took me out to the courtyard, stole this guy’s knife, and taught me how to use it. I think I still have the knife actually. I don’t stab people with it anymore though.

(I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t been the same in awhile.)

My mom… Well, I don’t really love her anymore but I did for a long time. She was… How do I put it? A constant in my life. Even though she wasn’t there. What I felt towards her, it kept me together for a long time. When I had nothing to fall back on, I always had her memory. Until she tried to take over Dreamland, obviously. Now I just say she gave me my love for alcohol and that’s pretty sweet too.

(I still miss her. I bet she’s dead.)

You know those pictures where the guy has an angel and demon on his shoulders telling him what to do? That’s Elfo and Luci, and it’s literal for Luci. And maybe for Elfo? He did go to heaven that one time. It can be kind of annoying to hear them bickering all the time, especially since they almost never want the same thing, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Elfo keeps me safe and Luci pushes me to be more than I am. They make life fun. Fuller. Less lonely.

(I’m scared they might leave someday. I wouldn’t blame them.)

I don’t really like Derek but I still love him. Maybe a little less since he tried to burn me at the stake. Maybe a little more since he chickened out at the last second. And a little less because he still went through with it. And maybe a little more since it was an accident. We have a complicated relationship but he’s still my little brother, as weird as he is. He reminds me of what I have to fight for, if that makes sense. I don’t really see him as the future of Dreamland or anything but he’s still a little kid and I can’t really help but have a soft spot for him. Don’t tell him I said that.

(I wonder if he’ll keep me around when he’s king. I’d be lying if I said I was surprised.)

The same goes for Oona. I never liked her but I think I love her. Especially after she tried to save me from my mom. And since she became an epic pirate. She’s awesome. She’s the mom I always wished I had except she was actually there the whole time and I didn’t realize it. I’m happy with how things turned out though. I don’t regret it. Plus she’s got great taste in drugs. I still steal them sometimes.

(I don’t know if she loves me. Maybe she did once but not anymore.)

I kind of hate Odval and Sorcerio in a weird way where I like them at the same time. They’re not really family but always been there. Like they’re kind of like second dads to me. Second dads whose the sex lives I know way too much about. My gay polyamorous uncles? But they kind of care under all that court properness and tradition nonsense so they’ve kind of wormed their way into my heart. They’ve always made my life difficult but I don’t think I would be myself if I wasn’t challenged so much.

(I think they’d rather have me gone. They don’t hide it every well but I can pretend.)

I’m going to be honest, I was really bummed when Pendergast died. We were kind of the same age and he hung around the castle for most of my life. And my dad trusted him so we actually did stuff together sometimes. A lot of adventures that never really went anywhere. He could be kind of a stick in the mud but he never really minded that I’m a girl and let me tag along on crusades and helped me get better with weapons and stuff. And Pendergast was weirdly loyal to Dreamland, even after Dad forked his eye out. Or was it spooned? I don’t remember. Some kind of eating utensil. I wasn’t there when it happened. But it was nice knowing I could trust him. He could be kind of fun though when he was off-duty. Total lightweight though. He threw up on one of those little guys who carries dad’s cape once.

(I wish I’d known him better. I really miss him but I can’t tell anyone since Dad gets set off by anything that even reminds him of the guy.)

Who else is there? That’s right, Mertz and Turbish. Turbish and Mertz. Two peas in a pod. Plus Mrs. Mertz. Don’t get me wrong, they are idiots. Totally incompentant. It’s a wonder they’re still alive. But they’re sweet. And they try. They’re not good at anything but they try. Sometimes I don’t want to try but they tell me I always can.

(I’m waiting for the day they realize they could have a better life. It’ll be weird not having them around the palace.)

I even kind of like Merkimer. As a pig, not a human. God, he was an awful human but he’s a funny little pig. He lets Luci ride on his back sometimes. Both of them like it way more than either of them will ever admit. It’s cute. I think they’re friends. If they’re not, Elfo and I will start plotting until they are. Or maybe not. A Luci-Merkimer friendship might be too much for Dreamland to handle. They’re kind of a lot, even on their own. Merkimer always kind of had a big head and it only got bigger when he accepted his new life. It’s actually kind of inspiring how happy he is now.

(I don’t want him to change but he already has. It makes me sad sometimes.)

And Bunty. Oh, Bunty. And Stan! The world doesn’t really deserve Bunty. Stan does though. I think they’re the ones who taught me what real love is. Bunty always showed me love as a kid, she was like the second mom I never had but actually did have because Oona was there. But she gave me something neither Oona or Dagmar could. I didn’t really understand it until I saw her and Stan and their family together. I still don’t. They’re really sweet.

(I’d give them everything. I know they just see me as some spoiled princess though.)

I want what those two have. Or what Odval and Sorcerio have. What my dad had with Dagmar or Oona. What Elfo’s had, and Luci’s had, and Derek’s had, and the knights have had. It feels like everyone’s had that kind of deep love at some point except me. I didn’t even realize until I was talking to Mora.

I’ve had the chance to have it. Merkimer, that brother of his I accidentally killed, that one time Pendergast made a pass at me, that Steamland guy… I don’t think any of it really would’ve worked out though. I’ve had a lot of things with guys and there’s been kissing and touching and I’ve always enjoyed it but I think I always knew it would never go anywhere. That it will never go anywhere. And I can’t even blame my dad because it’s all me. It’s always been me. And I’m okay with that? Maybe? I don’t think so but I’m not really good at understanding my feelings. It’s just another thing on the pile of things I won’t work through.

I think I understood what I had with Mora though. It wasn’t… romantic but it felt like it almost was. We just… clicked. It felt right. She was tough and funny and she didn’t hold anything back. She followed her dreams and didn’t let the world get her down. That one night we had together, I felt like we were alone in the world.

Mora gave me the ocean and the stars.

She was beautiful. Maybe that’s what was missing? None of the guys I ever screwed around with were beautiful. Not like Mora was. Not like a woman can be. I really felt like this was it but there was still that disconnect. Like something was there but not quite. Like something was missing. I don’t know what it was.

But then she just left. I had that dream and I just felt so happy. I’d never felt happiness like that. And I never felt pain like the pain I felt when I woke up and the necklace was gone. I definitely would’ve cried if Elfo wasn’t there. I might’ve actually cried a little bit. It’s kind of hard to hear anything when Elfo’s sobbing. Some of those tears might have been mine.

Did I love her? I don’t think so. Not like Elfo loved that boat. It wasn’t romantic. But it was real. It gives me hope. I don’t think I’m capable of the same kind of love everyone else seems capable of and that’s not even a slight at me. It’s just reality. But what I had with Mora, however brief and imagined it was, tells me that’s okay. I don’t need the kind of love everyone else has. Not when I have so many others in my life.

Still, I hope I see her again, even for a second, just to feel that kind of happiness again.

I think that’s what that elf meant when he said we are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Mora was beautiful and she didn’t see it but maybe she would if she saw how I looked at her.

Stars and the ocean, I’ll never forget them. They’ll be a part of my mosaic forever.

Other AroWriMo Fics By Me, Posted on Ao3, Posted on FFN

#fanfiction #fanfic #arowrimo #aromantic writing month #week 1 #i am doing another one #oneshot #disenchantment #disenchanted season 3 #disenchanted netflix #disenchanted bean #disenchanted mora #i don't know why the tags are wrong #aromantic #aspec #aromantic allosexual character #queer themes

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