#delusion is both my disease and my life support

[boiled-turnip]

I know this is just my brain desperately mashing together my two obsessions rn but if you reconfigure Aziraphale's "To the world," toast at the end of s1 into the context of it being a mirror of Orpheus' toast in Hadestown mid-act i, "To the world we dream about and the one we live in now," they start sounding like the same mantra of "I believe in a brighter future with you by my side."

If you take this even further into their respective stories, that mantra turns into, "I believe I can make us a brighter future. I can move Heaven/ I can move Hell until the world never leaves you wanting for anything else ever again. You will never have to scrape together moments of borrowed time for us/ You will never have to scratch and claw for mouthfuls of food for us. If I have the power to make that world possible, then its fruition, no matter the cost, is more important to me than what we have together now."

The Gomens comparison can only go as far as here, but at the end of Hadestown, Orpheus ultimately fails, his quest costing him both his faith and the love of his life.

[tadpolesonalgae]

this is gonna be so random but..

thoughts on gwynlain? 🤭

OKAY OKAY HEAR ME OUT

besides the fact that i have the chronic disease that is whenever im presented with popular highly fandom competitive hetero ships i get the irresistible urge to ship the women together just out of lesbian spite.

i think their relationship could be pretty interesting 👀👀 like ur in a rough patch with ur sister whom u had a pretty decent relationship w ur entire life until u both went thru traumatizing events and one day ur sister is hanging out with a pretty red haired girl who coincidentally has a potential Thing going on with the same guy that you also have a potential Thing going on with and she seems to get along with the current version of your sister who's trying to heal from everything that's happened meanwhile everytime u and ur sister have a convo it seems to end in jagged words getting thrown at each other so everything abt pretty red haired girl makes u a bit uncomfortable and weirdly tense But then u realize that pretty red haired girl is also just trying to gain back control in her life after traumatizing events in her life which is exactly what you've been trying to do and-

.......... so yea i have the delusional talent of convincing my brain that any potential tension between two female characters is just groundwork for ✨️ sexual tension ✨️

‘thoughts on gwynlain? 🤭’

Girl I have so many feelings I don’t want to open this can of worms 🫠🥞

‘OKAY OKAY HEAR ME OUT’

I would never try to silence you on this topic 😌

‘besides the fact that i have the chronic disease that is whenever im presented with popular highly fandom competitive hetero ships i get the irresistible urge to ship the women together just out of lesbian spite.’

Okay, I know almost exactly what you mean but I don’t think it’s a spiteful thing at all? Even in the modern day you don’t get lesbian/gay/queer romance in shows or films as frequently as straight romance (naturally because of heteronormativity so they’ll likely prove to be more appealing to the general public), and that absence was much more obvious in the past? When we would have been growing up too?

Anyway, I think it might just be our way of compensating for the lack of shows that openly show queer relationships through creating our own ships in fanon? So I think it’s a normal thing to think about honestly :)

‘i think their relationship could be pretty interesting 👀👀’

I already liked them before your explanation but now my brain is melting 🫠 I’d already been feeling weirdly sapphic for the past few days and this has just fully launched me into the depths of it 😭 I would love to read a book with those two in but I doubt that’ll happen so I’m holding out for an Emerie book ☹️

And oh my goodness have you seen that gwynlain fanart?? Where they’re baking together??? It makes me so happy (I’m going to try and find it because I know I’ve seen it recently)

‘.......... so yea i have the delusional talent of convincing my brain that any potential tension between two female characters is just groundwork for ✨️ sexual tension ✨️’

I am fully in support of your argument, continue your delusion please 🫠🧡💛

And also I think it’s more productive to have a positive outlook between them rather than a negative one that I think the ship wars have contributed to 🫠

[ina-nis]

I understand where people come from, or I really try to... but I don't think they understand me at all. This is one of the things that make everything even more frustrating and make me feel hopeless...

To them, it's just a matter of time, or a matter of self-care, or a matter of showing up, or a matter of therapy, among other things... Please, I am not a child, I am not ignorant either, I can guarantee these were exactly the very first things I tried, things I still try if I'm able to, because I know those are the "right" things one is supposed to do.

They almost always are in relationships, they almost always have some kind of support system - those are things that are probably normal and not out of extraordinary to them, things they might even take for granted, too.

None of that is "normal" or "ordinary" for me. That's a problem.

When I give it a second thought and look beyond... I don't want relationships like those, I don't want to live my life like that, I don't want that kind of support, and so on. I think I have had my share of trying that stuff to know it doesn't really work for me, for some reason.

I recently brought up my desire to get married when I was talking to someone who have been married for decades. I never really thought about nor I ever wanted marriage, but the more I think about it, the more it weights on my mind, the more I think that's definitely one of the things that would give me a lot of safety and reassurance in a relationship. I was told I should "be patient" and "give it time."

Oh yeah, absolutely. I have all the time in the world, and patience.

Just wait another year, right? Maybe another 10?

I guess I used to think of my own loneliness as a "partner" but that's not quite it!

Loneliness is absence, and that is extremely painful.

But much like neglect, absence is passive, it doesn't damage you right away. It might take a very long time to even realize something is amiss.

This is why many ways to cope with loneliness have to do with filling your life, your time.

But it doesn't necessarily fill the absence.

For that requires another human being. Not an object, experience or another living creature.

To want another is not painful or traumatic.

To want another, in the absence of another, is truly horrifying, on the other hand.

And to make matters even worse, the complexities of existing with a traumatized and lonely mind, are a sure way to cement that pain: there will be hurt 100% of the time and it's inescapable, you can "choose" to continue walking the lonely path you're already on, or you could try connecting with others and subjecting yourself to loss, rejection and abandonment (betting on the delusional chance that you'll be able to connect long-term).

I cannot thrive on casual or temporary connections, those traumatize me further. Knowing relationships and connections come and go doesn't give me any comfort or ease my pain. I'm not stupid, if that could've helped me, I'd not be here talking about these things incessantly.

I've noticed that, with all these issues, it's really not a matter of connecting with others... there's just too much to work through and "connection" will be probably the very last step.

"Marriage" is but a very distant dream, or another delusion.

And even if I get there eventually... I'll have to deal with all the pain and grief, from all the time lost that I will never have back...

... All the years in loneliness, how much space, time and energy they took from me; how much that pain, that misery, tainted every aspect of my life that I could never feel true happiness without being constantly reminded of loneliness; how much loneliness defines you, for both yourself and for other too, there's so much stigma, there's this uncanny feeling that drives people away from you, because loneliness spreads like a disease, that comes with depression and more; how much loneliness keeps you on the edge, how it makes death seem so damn comforting because the living don't really care about you? As if you were meaningless and as if your existence didn't really matter...

Oh, how frustrating and infuriating that feels... when you just want to live your life in whatever way feels right for you, but you're instead sick with a disease that makes you need other people (when you know you can't control them, make them want you or make them not leave you).

[ultramaga]

"I am allowed to regress." No. There's times when it is illegal. As a responsible human, you have to check if the situation is appropriate. "My regression is not gross or weird." It's both. Many people will be disgusted by it, especially if it involves diapers. It's peculiar, as in statistically unlikely, so it is by definition weird. But I'm not saying you can't do it. I'm saying self-delusion should be avoided. If you believe your words, then it should be fine to just tell people you like tasting your own poo or whatever. I don't think you believe what you are saying. Reality is not a social construct. Most people will always find this behaviour unnerving, and they always have, so keeping it private is the best strategy. "I am not a burden." It depends. If you are doing it as kink with someone whose kink is looking after you, that's fine. If you are acting as a child or a baby, and demanding others get involved in caring for you, or forcing they pay for your needs via The State, then you are literally a burden.

"My regression is a healthy and safe space for me." Is it though? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like something bad you are trying to convince yourself and others is a good thing, akshually. "If it gives me peace and joy, that's all that matters." So long as it doesn't harm others, sure, but that also means keeping it private. When you force your kinks on others, you can't be surprised at the backlash, and when you find it difficult to find a relationship, you cannot be surprised at it. This might not be avoidable, but from what you are saying, this is a choice you are making. I don't see cancer patients saying to themselves that cancer is normal and healthy. "I am taking care of myself when I regress." Are you, though? Or are you avoiding the growth you need to survive as an adult? "being sensitive and soft-hearted is not wrong." Who are you arguing with here? Who are you trying to convince? That has nothing to do with regression. You might as well suddenly bring up your love of Beethoven. "I am accepting myself by accepting my regression." You are defining yourself as a symptom of a disease, potentially. I'll put it this way. If you have a kink, but still understand it is a kink, and work around it so you can still manage life, fine, but the fact you need to announce publicly that you are doing it - and end off with a DNI against potential critics - that indicates to me that you are self-delusional, and relying on deceiving yourself to stay safe when the opposite is true. Can you look after anyone else? How would you cope if you had a child? If you are permanently frozen at the emotional development of a toddler, that is a very stunted life. If you are perpetually dependent in a relationship, that is going to really narrow down the number of potential partners you have. "I am giving myself the love and support that I need." Not if you are making yourself mentally ill.

"My regression doesn't always have to be positive." So what percentage before the alarm bells start ringing? I mean, do you have to die? Lose a limb? When is it going too far? How does what you are doing differ from a gambling or drug addiction? Can you stop when you need to? From the repetition used in your post, this actually sounds a lot like either cult speak or a hypnotic mantra. Are you trying to convince yourself your behaviour is ok when it is damaging your life? I've known a lot of kinky people, but they understood boundaries, and switched off that mode when inappropriate. You don't seem to be doing that. You seem to be progressing into dependency more and more, and demanding others cater to you. Which you might actually get for a while if you live in Portland, sure, but in a lot of places in the world, you will be imprisoned or put into a mental hospital if you cannot cope. Assuming you don't end up as a victim. There's a lot of people who would see someone like yourself as a prime target. If you refuse to think as an adult, what is stopping them from succeeding? A DNI?!

♡ I am allowed to regress.

♡ My regression is not gross or weird.

♡ I am not a burden.

♡ My regression is a healthy and safe space for me.

♡ If it gives me peace and joy, that's all that matters.

♡ I am taking care of myself when I regress.

♡ I am giving myself the love and support that I need.

♡ being sensitive and soft-hearted is not wrong.

♡ I am accepting myself by accepting my regression.

♡ I am protecting myself by choosing who I tell about my regression.

♡ I am allowed to use & like the things that help me regress.

♡ I deserve to regress.

♡ My regression is valid no matter what it looks like.

♡ Its okay if I can't regress as often or as little as I'd like to.

♡ It is okay to want to be taken care of.

♡ Its okay to not want to be taken care of.

♡ Its okay to need/want extra attention and care.

♡ My regression doesn't always have to be positive.

♡ My regression doesn't have to look a certain way.

[shinebrightlikeanarwhal]

Genshin SJ: He uses an ice sword in Cryo state. His passive is like Xiao Xingchen's Frost Fall Technique where he leaves a Frost Flower Cut on his enemies that freezes them even without water. His normal & charged atks deal constant Cryo DMG until the E timer resets & he returns to Dendro state. His Cryo Ult is also AoE where a raging blizzard covers everything in permafrost and a forest of bamboo-shaped ice sprouts from the ground, piercing enemies with the sharp points indiscriminately. (2/2)

OMG FINALLY SOMEONE MENTIONED GENSHIN SJ WITH ME AOFUHJAI YOU DON'T KNOW HOW EXCITED I AM ABOUT THIS!!!

I love the delusions and how some wielders have more than one form. Like Tartaglia/Childe having three forms where the final form has control of both his delusion and his vision. SJ having this kind of adaptability and control of his forms and powers would be terrifying to Traveler Bing! Vision only SJ having the leaf technique being his E burst is plaguing my lil rat brain!! Plus, the delusion forms having the best fashion. His Cryo form has the markings similar to MBJs on his forehead. "Frost Demon Xiao Jiu' a play on when he was discovered as a cold and terrified child and grew into a cold and cruel demon(?). I have too many ideas for the design of his clothes. However to add spice I wanna add that he got his delusion when he was young. Similar to Tartaglia, however instead of being a child that fell into the abyss, he was just a street kid that managed to steal the attention of their version of the Tsaritsa. I'm torn between the Tsaritsa being OPM or TLJ. Some form of antagonist, but not sure if I want purely antagonistic or redeemable goofball emperor that adores his harbingers.

Traveler Bing and Paimon SY meeting this cold and calculative harbinger. He is like the opposite of how Tartaglia is. WHile we are introduced to this relatively bubbly menace to society, SJ is this recluse that sticks close to archon QJPL. Even the bank fight is opposite. While Tartaglia was excited to finally fight, SJ

"Regrettably, we are at an impasse and you cannot get in my way." SJ having sad and past hinting voice lines like the other fatui. Especially after he uses his delusion. OH!! If he is dying and seeking a way to cure his disease or trying to support YQY even though his days are numbered. (IF YQY is the Tsaritsa that would be a fun play on the pl's being harbingers. Scaramouche being LQG (which would tie into some fun lore that I cant spoil).SJ being similar to Amber in being one of the only people to help Bing search for his twin. He has no quests aside from the Teucer (NYY) quest and any other quest in his area is from someone else that wants to avoid overworking SJ.

SJ is very easily the greatest potential for one of the tragic stories in Genshin.

The affects of the delusion could either prolong his life or worsen his symptoms but not physically kill him. Like it would be something to screw him over, as YQY is always good at, and make his suffering for the man more prevalent. I personally think the worsening his symptoms part is more interesting. He doubles over and can barely stand. Has to hide or risk being found by YQY and getting special treatment, which is NOT something SJ needs or wants.

[thisextensiveuniverse]

Just putting it out there

This is kind of personal and I don’t want people to think im trying to get attention for it, because im not, i just want people to know that they need and should get help if they see themselves in any of this. 

So, this is my official diagnoses, mainly because of my mom, three years, i lived with her for three years, and this is what came from it, for the most part. 

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Schizoaffective Disorder (This is linked to Schizophrenia and Mood disorders so its also hereditary, I think i got this through my blood line, most of my mom’s siblings have some form of schizophrenia)

Schizoaffective disorder is a mental health disorder that is marked by a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania.

The two types of schizoaffective disorder — both of which include some symptoms of schizophrenia — are:

Bipolar type, which includes episodes of mania and sometimes major depression

Depressive type, which includes only major depressive episodes

Schizoaffective disorder may run a unique course in each affected person.

Untreated schizoaffective disorder may lead to problems functioning at work, at school and in social situations, causing loneliness and trouble holding down a job or attending school. People with schizoaffective disorder may need assistance and support with daily functioning. Treatment can help manage symptoms and improve quality of life.

Symptoms

Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).

Although the development and course of schizoaffective disorder may vary, defining features include a major mood episode (depressed or manic mood) and at least a two-week period of psychotic symptoms when a major mood episode is not present.

Signs and symptoms of schizoaffective disorder depend on the type — bipolar or depressive type — and may include, among others:

Delusions — having false, fixed beliefs, despite evidence to the contrary

Hallucinations, such as hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there

Impaired communication and speech, such as being incoherent

Bizarre or unusual behavior

Symptoms of depression, such as feeling empty, sad or worthless

Periods of manic mood, with an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep over several days, and behaviors that are out of character

Impaired occupational, academic and social functioning

Problems with managing personal care, including cleanliness and physical appearance

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Bipolar Disorder (Once again I think I just got this, for the most part, through my blood line)

Overview

Bipolar disorder, formerly called manic depression, is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression).

When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts to mania or hypomania (less extreme than mania), you may feel euphoric, full of energy or unusually irritable. These mood swings can affect sleep, energy, activity, judgment, behavior and the ability to think clearly.

Episodes of mood swings may occur rarely or multiple times a year. While most people will experience some emotional symptoms between episodes, some may not experience any.

Although bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition, you can manage your mood swings and other symptoms by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder is treated with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy).

There are several types of bipolar and related disorders. They may include mania or hypomania and depression. Symptoms can cause unpredictable changes in mood and behavior, resulting in significant distress and difficulty in life.

Bipolar I disorder. You've had at least one manic episode that may be preceded or followed by hypomanic or major depressive episodes. In some cases, mania may trigger a break from reality (psychosis).

Bipolar II disorder. You've had at least one major depressive episode and at least one hypomanic episode, but you've never had a manic episode.

Cyclothymic disorder. You've had at least two years — or one year in children and teenagers — of many periods of hypomania symptoms and periods of depressive symptoms (though less severe than major depression).

Other types. These include, for example, bipolar and related disorders induced by certain drugs or alcohol or due to a medical condition, such as Cushing's disease, multiple sclerosis or stroke.

Bipolar II disorder is not a milder form of bipolar I disorder, but a separate diagnosis. While the manic episodes of bipolar I disorder can be severe and dangerous, individuals with bipolar II disorder can be depressed for longer periods, which can cause significant impairment.

Although bipolar disorder can occur at any age, typically it's diagnosed in the teenage years or early 20s. Symptoms can vary from person to person, and symptoms may vary over time.

Mania and hypomania

Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.

Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:

Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired

Increased activity, energy or agitation

Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)

Decreased need for sleep

Unusual talkativeness

Racing thoughts

Distractibility

Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

Major depressive episode

A major depressive episode includes symptoms that are severe enough to cause noticeable difficulty in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships. An episode includes five or more of these symptoms:

Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty, hopeless or tearful (in children and teens, depressed mood can appear as irritability)

Marked loss of interest or feeling no pleasure in all — or almost all — activities

Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite (in children, failure to gain weight as expected can be a sign of depression)

Either insomnia or sleeping too much

Either restlessness or slowed behavior

Fatigue or loss of energy

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

Decreased ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness

Thinking about, planning or attempting suicide

Other features of bipolar disorder

Signs and symptoms of bipolar I and bipolar II disorders may include other features, such as anxious distress, melancholy, psychosis or others.

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Anxiety Disorder (This is where we start with things I got from her as a side effect of living with her for three years)

Overview

It's normal to feel anxious from time to time, especially if your life is stressful. However, excessive, ongoing anxiety and worry that are difficult to control and interfere with day-to-day activities may be a sign of generalized anxiety disorder.

It's possible to develop generalized anxiety disorder as a child or an adult. Generalized anxiety disorder has symptoms that are similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and other types of anxiety, but they're all different conditions.

Symptoms

Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms can vary. They may include:

Persistent worrying or anxiety about a number of areas that are out of proportion to the impact of the events

Overthinking plans and solutions to all possible worst-case outcomes

Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren't

Difficulty handling uncertainty

Indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision

Inability to set aside or let go of a worry

Inability to relax, feeling restless, and feeling keyed up or on edge

Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind "goes blank"

Physical signs and symptoms may include:

Fatigue

Trouble sleeping

Muscle tension or muscle aches

Trembling, feeling twitchy

Nervousness or being easily startled

Sweating

Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome

Irritability

There may be times when your worries don't completely consume you, but you still feel anxious even when there's no apparent reason. For example, you may feel intense worry about your safety or that of your loved ones, or you may have a general sense that something bad is about to happen.

Your anxiety, worry or physical symptoms cause you significant distress in social, work or other areas of your life. Worries can shift from one concern to another and may change with time and age.

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PTSD

Overview

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better. If the symptoms get worse, last for months or even years, and interfere with your day-to-day functioning, you may have PTSD.

Symptoms

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within one month of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships. They can also interfere with your ability to go about your normal daily tasks.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person.

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event

Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)

Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event

Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event

Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world

Hopelessness about the future

Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event

Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Feeling detached from family and friends

Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions

Feeling emotionally numb

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

Being easily startled or frightened

Always being on guard for danger

Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast

Trouble sleeping

Trouble concentrating

Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior

Overwhelming guilt or shame

For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:

Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play

Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event

Intensity of symptoms

PTSD symptoms can vary in intensity over time. You may have more PTSD symptoms when you're stressed in general, or when you come across reminders of what you went through. For example, you may hear a car backfire and relive combat experiences. Or you may see a report on the news about a sexual assault and feel overcome by memories of your own assault.

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Major Depression

Overview

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychotherapy or both.

Symptoms

Although depression may occur only once during your life, people typically have multiple episodes. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include:

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports

Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain

Anxiety, agitation or restlessness

Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame

Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide

Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Some people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

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Personality Disorders

Paranoid personality disorder

Pervasive distrust and suspicion of others and their motives

Unjustified belief that others are trying to harm or deceive you

Unjustified suspicion of the loyalty or trustworthiness of others

Hesitancy to confide in others due to unreasonable fear that others will use the information against you

Perception of innocent remarks or nonthreatening situations as personal insults or attacks

Angry or hostile reaction to perceived slights or insults

Tendency to hold grudges

Unjustified, recurrent suspicion that spouse or sexual partner is unfaithful

Avoidant personality disorder

Too sensitive to criticism or rejection

Feeling inadequate, inferior or unattractive

Avoidance of work activities that require interpersonal contact

Socially inhibited, timid and isolated, avoiding new activities or meeting strangers

Extreme shyness in social situations and personal relationships

Fear of disapproval, embarrassment or ridicule

Borderline personality disorder (i share this one with my mom)

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating

Unstable or fragile self-image

Unstable and intense relationships

Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress

Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury

Intense fear of being alone or abandoned

Ongoing feelings of emptiness

Frequent, intense displays of anger

Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes

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Mental Breakdown(s) (This is the long term effect of living with my mom)

A nervous or mental breakdown is a term used to describe a period of intense mental distress. During this period, you’re unable to function in your everyday life.

This term was once used to refer to a wide variety of mental illnesses, including:

depression

anxiety

acute stress disorder

Although “nervous breakdown” is no longer considered a medical term, it’s still used by many to describe:

intense symptoms of stress

an inability to cope with life’s challenges

What others see as a mental breakdown can also be an undiagnosed mental illness.

There isn’t one agreed-upon definition for what defines a nervous breakdown. It’s generally viewed as a period when physical and emotional stress become intolerable and impair one’s ability to function effectively.

What are the symptoms of a nervous breakdown?

You may experience physical, psychological, and behavioral symptoms when going through a breakdown. The signs of a nervous breakdown vary from person to person. The underlying cause can also affect what symptoms you experience.

Since the term is no longer used in the medical community, a nervous breakdown has been described using a wide variety of symptoms. These include:

depressive symptoms, such as loss of hope and thoughts of suicide or self-harm

anxiety with high blood pressure, tense muscles, clammy hands, dizziness, upset stomach, and trembling or shaking

insomnia

hallucinations

extreme mood swings or unexplained outbursts

panic attacks, which include chest pain, detachment from reality and self, extreme fear, and difficulty breathing

paranoia, such as believing someone is watching you or stalking you

flashbacks of a traumatic event, which can suggest undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

People experiencing a nervous breakdown may also withdraw from family, friends, and co-workers. Signs of such withdrawal include:

avoiding social functions and engagements

eating and sleeping poorly

maintaining poor hygiene

calling in sick to work for days or not showing up to work at all

isolating yourself in your home

Causes of a nervous breakdown

A person may report having a nervous breakdown when stress is too much for them to bear. That stress can be caused by external influences. Some of those include:

persistent work stress

recent traumatic event, such as a death in the family

serious financial issues, such as going into foreclosure

a major life change, such as a divorce

poor sleep and inability to relax

chronic medical conditions

Risk factors that can lead to a nervous breakdown

Some existing factors might increase a person’s likelihood of experiencing a nervous breakdown. These include:

personal history of anxiety disorders

family history of anxiety disorders

recent injury or illness that makes daily life difficult to manage

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOW, this one, is one of many, for my mom:

Narcissistic personality disorder

Belief that you're special and more important than others

Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness

Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings

Exaggeration of achievements or talents

Expectation of constant praise and admiration

Arrogance

Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others

Envy of others or belief that others envy you

Try living with someone like that, if you aren’t already, for those who aren’t, it’s not a fun experience.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, so, if any of these make you think of yourself, I would recommend seeking help, if you’ve been experiencing any of the symptoms. If you’re unable to get helped for various reasons that you do not have to give away, though I’m still a work in progress myself, I’m always here to talk, so if you need help or just someone to vent to or whatever it may be, PM me, I may not get back to you right away, just as forewarning, but I WILL get back to you. 

You don’t have to be alone.

[ineedglasses]

VK Character Analysis: Shizuka Hiou

Once in high school, an old friend who also read VK asked me who my favorite character was, and when I said Shizuka, she was shocked. Now her favorite was Zero, and she thought I hated Zero since I liked Shizuka, his enemy.

That is not true, I don’t hate Zero. For some reason, some Zero fans seem to think anyone that likes Shizuka hates Zero. There is NO correlation between liking Shizuka and hating Zero. Some people love them both, while some people hate them both.

Anyway, my friend seemed appalled when I told her my fav character and she asked me why. At that age I wasn’t the most articulate or the most patient, so I simply told her, “just because.” So, now that I have free time and because her question had bothered me for a while, I decided I should write down my thoughts on why I love Shizuka.

                                                            XXX

First of all, Shizuka was NOT actually insane.

Medically speaking, “insanity” is associated with conditions like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. There is no indication in the manga or anime that she exhibited any signs or symptoms of those diseases, such as hallucinations or delusions.

The regular definition of insane is to exhibit a severely disordered state of mind or to be affected with mental illness. Even by this definition, Shizuka was not insane.

She was aware of her actions and of what is right and what is wrong. The only time she can be considered “insane” is right after her lover was killed, when she was so overcome by grief and anger she could not think straight and focused on revenge without stopping to think who the real enemy was (cough, Rido). And in that state of severe emotional turmoil she went after the Kiryuus. But I do not think that can be considered true insanity, because it was a onetime occurrence.

Shizuka knows that she was wrong to kill the Kiryuus, because they were simply following orders and doing their job, and also because the real mastermind behind her lover’s death was Rido. She even acknowledges that her actions in regard to the Kiryuu parents and Zero were “sinful”, whereas a truly crazy person probably is unable or unwilling to admit that. If anyone were actually insane in VK, it would probably be Rido.

                                                           XXX

Secondly, she did NOT attack the Kiryuus out of a random whim or desire to do evil things.

All readers should already know this, since Hino explicitly states that Shizuka was motivated by revenge. Shizuka ONLY went after the Kiryuus because they wronged her first.

They killed her ex-human, the only person she ever loved. Hunters are only supposed to kill crazed level E’s and vampires that have harmed humans, but her lover was none of that. He should not have been killed by those standards.

But the Kiryuus were simply following orders without question, and killed someone they shouldn’t have, and thus they were killed in return.

For hunters, being killed by vampires seeking revenge is not a shocking end. Even Zero’s mom mentioned that, when they were packing, saying they should move soon so vampires do not find out where they lived. People who kill tend to get killed too, that’s just the reality of that sort of life. Zero’s parents were not normal, innocent civilians, they were people that killed vampires for a living. Thus, I don’t think Shizuka killing them is so shocking and unforgivable. I can understand why she attacked the Kiryuus, although it is still wrong (because hate breeds more hate, and the idea of an eye for an eye is not good).

What was truly unforgivable was that Shizuka turned Zero into a vampire, to hurt his parents as much as she can. This is where she went too far in her vengeance because children are innocent, it was only the parents that should be punished. And yes, I acknowledge that these actions are bad, even if I am her fan, I am not blind to her flaws.

Anyway, Shizuka would never have bothered crossing paths with the Kiryuus if they had never killed her lover.

                                                            XXX

Thirdly, although she was an antagonist in the story, she had her own moral code. She was not evil, and rather more of a neutral grey, and I appreciate characters like that.

She wasn’t like Rido, who used even his own son as a tool, and who did not care for anyone. Shizuka cared for Ichiru, despite the fact that he was her enemy’s son. She felt a sort of kinship with him because they were both alone and had nowhere to go. She gave him her own blood and flesh and refused to turn him the whole time they were together, even when she was dying, because she knew he would have been in more danger if he was a vampire instead.

Ichiru understood that she genuinely cared for him, because even when he was dying, he asked Zero to not hate her, even if Zero can’t forgive her.

Shizuka also kept her promise to Maria and gave the sickly girl her blood to make her better (in comparison, Rido just took over Senri’s body without asking for permission or giving him anything in return).

And thus Shizuka is a sympathetic villain, and Hino points that out in the interlude chapter where Ichiru comments how Shizuka was “beautiful even as she was dying”, in contrast to Rido, who Kaname once referred to as “the dregs of an ugly obsession.”

Even Kaname felt sympathy for her, because when he killed her, he didn’t just let her drop to the floor but caught her and laid her down carefully on the floor. He also assured her that he would not let her life be wasted, and that he would definitely end Rido.

                                                              XXX

And finally, she was a very tragic character, a victim of circumstances herself.

(This is her history, taken straight from her character profile in the official fan guide)

Shizuka was locked up in a cage as soon as she was born, because apparently some members of the Hio clan had also gone berserk before.

(On a side note, I doubt the Hious had a genetic defect leading to mental illness, it was probably a circumstantial thing, like how Rido most likely started off sane but life took directions that pushed him off the edge towards the end. After all, they are purebloods and their genes are supposed to be flawless. And Rido…I have so many thoughts about that dude, but I will save them for another post.)

Hino never stated how old Shizuka was, but since we know that Rido, Haruka, and Juri are “over 3000” according to the guidebook, she is probably around that age. If we treat the Fleeting Dreams novel as canon, then Shizuka is probably even younger than Juri, because Rido mentions that Shizuka was still “a tiny child” when his parents kept Juri away from him and engaged him to Shizuka instead. So, I assume that Shizuka spent almost 3000 years, her whole life, locked up in a cage with barely any company, except maybe the occasional visitor (like how child Kaname visited her once).

3000 years is a long, long time. To put it into perspective, the USA as a country is roughly 250 years old. So she was locked in a cage, all by herself for the timespan it would take 12 USAs to rise and fall. It is really a wonder how she did not actually go crazy and end up more damaged than she was!

Besides the tragedy of having her freedom taken away, no one loved or cared about her, something mentioned by both Maria and the guidebook. Shizuka herself commented that she was envious of Yuki, who had been cherished, unlike her.

(A bit of a tangent, but I am quite curious what happened to Shizuka’s parents. Why did they just let her be locked up? It is very irresponsible to bring a child into the world if you aren’t going to bother taking care of it. And it seemed she had family members because Kaname later on killed the head of the Hio clan. IDK what her familial relationship with that particular Hio man was, but she seemed to have been neglected by her own clan.)

Anyway, everyone probably treated her warily, like a bomb that might explode at any time. She was basically an outcast. Take for example how Aidou says it is unlucky to even mention her.

If there was someone besides her dead lover, Ichiru, and Maria, who did not treat her with suspicion or fear, it was probably Rido, and he certainly did not treat her well either. Ichiru mentions that Rido was the one who imprisoned her and changed the hunter list. Based on that, I assume Rido directly ordered her locked up, or used his influence with the Senate to have them lock her up. Either way, the dude had something to do with it.

Besides locking her up, Rido most likely treated her poorly, him being the way he is. His main issue with her is that she refused to become obedient like Senri’s mom. And IDK about the rest of you, but whenever a man says he wants to make a woman “obedient”, I get bad vibes. He probably did some shady and questionable things in his attempts to make her docile.

If Shizuka had been engaged to someone else other than Rido, someone more normal, like Isaya, her life would probably have been more bearable. Although Rido did not want her because he was unhealthily obsessed with Juri, he had to ruin Shizuka’s life and happiness instead of just letting her be. He did that out of some petty reasoning, basically “If I can’t be happy, you can’t be happy either”. His decision to put her lover on the execution list led to many tragedies. 

This man is really the root of all evil in VK, LOL.

                                                              XXX

Finally, after all those centuries of loneliness, Shizuka met someone who treated her well, for the first time. Thus, her attachment to her ex-human lover was extremely strong, and it made sense why she could not move on, why she was so consumed by revenge. Unlike normal people who can find solace being comforted by friends and family, she doesn’t have that kind of support. And furthermore, she is a pureblood, all of whom have been shown to form extremely strong attachments to the ones they love, and have trouble moving on.

And regarding her lover, we can’t even be sure if he loved her back. Shizuka said that he most likely never forgave her until the end for turning him, and that he never yielded to her, but went with her when she proposed running away together because remaining with her was his only option. Honestly, her lover didn’t seem too happy being with her, or if he did care for her, their relationship was still strained and angsty, not the simple, lovey-dovey relationship Haruka and Juri had.

Overall, her romance was ill-fated, they simply would have never worked out because they were supposed to be predator and prey. I have a feeling that even if the Kiryuus hadn’t been assigned to kill him, she and her ex-human would not have had a happy ending regardless.

Anyway, after Shizuka lost him, she also lost her will to live. She only hung on to life out of the desire to kill Rido, but she wasn’t even seriously trying. Her biggest desire was to die, and we can see that in how she didn’t bother resisting when Kaname killed her. When she laid on the floor dying, she looked the most peaceful she had ever been. Later on, Maria (mistakenly thinking it was Zero who killed her) also commented that Shizuka probably wanted Zero to kill her. Sara also said Shizuka lost her will to live and mentioned how she doesn’t want to become like her.

Finally, Shizuka was definitely tragic, because even Kaname who killed her pitied her, commenting: “It’s sad isn’t it? I wonder if anyone truly understood her.”

I love this character partly because I feel so bad for her. While Zero suffered early on, he eventually got to marry the girl he loved and had a daughter with her. Kaname also got to be with Yuki, had a daughter with her and got to meet both daughters and experience being with family when he was revived. But Shizuka…her whole life was a tragedy, and the only time she was happy was that brief period when she was with her lover. However, the time she spend with him was a tiny drop, almost nothing compared to how long her life was overall.

A lot of characters in VK had sadness in their lives, but her life struck me as the worst. If I had to pick someone to be in VK, it would definitely not be her.

IMO, her life was screwed the moment she got engaged to Rido. Even though she wasn’t crazy, she was still locked up and treated like she was. Her circumstances/fate pushed her to make the choices she did and end up a villain. If fate had been kinder to her, she would not have become a villain at all.

Other reasons I love her are because of how beautiful and elegant she is, how she has an air of mystery and sadness, and how her story just interested me the most.

And I get that other people still hate/dislike her regardless of everything I mentioned, and that is alright. This is not meant to convince people to like her, but to explain why I personally love her. So don’t come at me trying to tell me why she is evil and I should be ashamed for liking her okay? (ง'̀-'́)ง

So! If you ever read this long post, Hazel, now you know why she is my favorite character.ヽ(ಠ_ಠ)ノ

[therapy101]

(1/2) With a rise in young children expressing gender nonconformity being sent to gender clinics, being taught about gender dysphoria and being ‘born in the wrong body’ in schools, being guided towards pubertal blockers and medical transition, I was wondering if I could ask for your more knowledgeable input please. When treating such children and adolescents, why is the underlying assumption that the dysphoric feelings are valid and the body is what needs fixing? Why is APA/psychologists

(”2/2) allowing medical decisions to be made based on outdated mind-body dualism? We don’t affirm anorexia and offer liposuction, or the delusions of schizophrenia for instance, so why is this the only mind-body incongruence that’s treated this way? Does GD in a developing child really warrant medicalizing them for the rest of their lives? Since we’ve scientifically concluded gender is a spectrum, shouldn’t we instead be promoting gender diversity no matter what sexed body we’re born in?”

There are a lot of things to unpack and understand here. 

1. The underlying assumption is not that “the body needs fixing.” Medical transition is not the first step for children, adolescents, or adults with gender dysphoria. From 2004-2016, only 92 total children and adolescents out of six million total patients younger than 19 seen in the sample received a hormone blocker for a transgender-related diagnosis. Even among adults, current estimates for the United States are that between 25-35% of trans and non-binary adults complete any kind of gender affirming surgery (this means, even enough those who have surgery, it may only be one type of surgery and may not impact all relevant body parts). Getting access to trans-affirming medical care is very difficult, and structural inequalities like racism impact access to care, leading some trans people, especially Black trans women, to have to buy hormones from non-medical sources. That’s one of the reasons why the APA has come out to support trans folks and gender affirming care: because otherwise, these folks don’t get any care, or they get mistreated. The point here is to ensure that everyone gets equitable access to high quality medical and mental health care. That includes hormones, hormone blockers, and/or surgery for some people, but not everyone. 

2. All feelings are valid- dysphoric or otherwise. Sometimes feelings don’t fit the facts, or acting upon them doesn’t make sense, but that doesn’t take away from their validity. The question is not whether the feelings are valid for kids with gender dysphoria, the question is how to understand that dysphoria better and how to identify what to do about it, both in terms of gender identity and in terms of coping, support and improving overall mental health. This is a great place for a therapist with expertise to step in and help the child and their family figure it out. 

Sometimes the child or adolescent has known literally or essentially their whole life, and that may mean no dysphoria (which is great!). From Katz-Wise et al., 2017: 

For some youth, primarily but not exclusively those ages 7–12 years, indication of transgender identification occurred early and was described as “immediate.” One father of an 18-year-old trans boy from the Northeast noted, “It was so immediate that it was just, you know, it wasn’t like he was seven and he said, ‘Oh my god he thinks of himself as a boy.’ It was just kinda always like that with him.”

For other youth, it is a more gradual process, and may take some time to sort out. Some youth also don’t have dysphoria while they are doing that so there may not be a reason to seek out therapy unless there is some other mental health issue they are facing. But if they do have dysphoria, or are otherwise experiencing mental health symptoms related to their gender identity, then seeing a therapist can help. 

3. Supporting a child to identify as trans or nonbinary or some other non-cis gender is not “medicalizing them for the rest of their lives.” Hormone blockers can be removed, and hormones can be stopped- but I disagree that these are “medicalizing” in any case. A person cannot be reduced down to the medications they take or the treatments they receive. Is a woman with cancer “medicalized” because she undergoes a hysterectomy? Are the children on puberty blockers for medical reasons “medicalized” (>2000 of them in the study I cited above, but no one seems concerned about them)? What about those people with delusions who are put on antipsychotics, which are known to have severe side effects including higher risk of diabetes and heart disease, seizures, tardive dyskinesia, overwhelming sleepiness impacting ability to work or drive, weight gain (I’ve seen clients gain >70 lbs in 3 months), and more? 

I would encourage you to read either of these great studies by Katz-Wise et al: 1 or 2 to understand this better. When you ask trans youth about themselves, the medical aspect is such a small part- they are talking about their whole selves, their hopes for the future, their families and friends, and their wishes to be able to be loved and accepted for who they really are. Some of it is about their bodies, sure, and that can mean that some decide to use hormones and/or hormone blockers or undergo surgery (although we’ve seen that those rates aren’t super higher ). But they’re also just talking about being called the right name and pronoun, getting to wear the clothes that make them feel authentic, getting to date and marry and have sex, and: getting to live. Not being ostracized and assaulted and killed. Like this 8 year old who identifies as a girlish boy worrying he’ll never be able to get married AND be his true self (from the second Katz-Wise et al):

An 8-year-old youth participant who identified as a “girlish boy” similarly worried about other people's reactions related to gender norms in the long-term future, as told by his mother,

He said [to me], ‘But I'm not going to get married, because if I married a boy I'd want to be the bride...I would want to wear a dress and people would laugh at me because I'm marrying a boy and I'd be wearing a dress.

He is 8 years old and these are his worries. As a mental health professional, my immediate thought is that he deserves any and all support that makes sense to him and his family so that he doesn’t have to worry like this. So that he can be 8. 

4. Finally, and probably most importantly: gender dysphoria is different because treating it with hormone blockers, hormones, and surgery is literally life saving. 

As high as 42% of trans people have attempted suicide at least once. For comparison, the lifetime prevalence of suicide attempts in the general population is 3%.  

Study after study has shown that there are three primary factors that reduce suicide risk: 1. Timely medical and legal transition for those who want it; 2. Family acceptance and general support from friends and loved ones; 3. Reduced transphobia and internalized transphobia. (1 2 3 4 5). 

Psychologists want to help people live, and live well. Living well means having a life you enjoy and find meaningful. If medical transition means someone’s suicide risk decreases and their mental health improves, then they can pursue the life they want. Being affirmed in their gender means they can have that part of the life they want. It might also help them get to other things they want (like having the marriage and wedding they envision, like that example). These are things we as psychologists prioritize. Period. 

It’s not the same as anorexia because providing a liposuction for two reasons. One: It would not resolve the dysphoria. People with anorexia who lose weight do not feel better about themselves and their bodies. That’s the dysphoria: people with anorexia (and other eating disorders, sometimes) often cannot see their bodies as they really are. Changing the body won’t help. Unlike in gender dysphoria, where changing the body- either in presentation or actually medically -actually does help. Two: Liposuction for an underweight person with anorexia could kill them. As we’ve discussed, gender affirming surgeries for trans people can save their lives. These are not comparable. 

The comparison to delusions doesn’t work very well because there isn’t really a “medical” intervention you would do to affirm someone’s delusion. But, since you may not know this: we sometimes do affirm people’s delusions, and it’s not necessarily psychologically helpful to try to change someone’s mind about a delusion. Delusions are not bad all on their own, and: sometimes things we think are delusional, actually aren’t, so it’s super important not to assume we know someone’s life and experiences better than they do. (Just recently a nurse assumed a patient was delusional, but actually they were quite rich and owned several expensive cars. People can be rich and have a significant mental illness.) So anyway- I don’t know how that applies. 

Overall: we as a field are still understanding the full spectrum of gender identities and how to do good treatment and good science in relationship with that. But what’s clear is that medical transition is sometimes a part of a good treatment plan for both youth and adults, and that it can save people’s lives. It can make their lives better. I am 100% about saving people’s lives, so I am 100% about a medical transition when appropriate and gender affirming care in general. 

References: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

(email me at academic.consultant101 gmail.com if you need full texts)

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[kneamet]

Delusion (3/5)

Trigger Warning: alcohol, drugs

Summary: she was the only girl in his band whose singing he loved so much. She was the person he truly respected. Andy Miles was someone Hank Williams had an unrelenting obsession with.

Chapter three: The house

POV Andy

Andy didn't like cleaning. It wasn't that she didn't like it, it wasn't the least favorite thing to do. Why clean up at all if you're already littering up? It's such a pain in the ass. Not that her home was a complete mess, as Miles would have called it a creative approach to what she loved. It was easier to concentrate on the rhyme when everything was out of place.

Otherwise, she would have noticed that something was standing unevenly or even out of place. Therefore, she did not bother much with the order, trying to do music in her free time, as much as possible, and not cleaning.

It is better to do what you love than to miss the rush of inspiration, which can go away as suddenly as it appeared. Inspiration is one of the most difficult feelings, which is incredibly difficult to achieve. It can be both fleeting and haunt you for a long time.

Andy sighed, shaking her head and feeling her eyes begin to close. She wanted to lie down on the bed and go to sleep, but she knew she couldn't do that, because Don would be arriving soon. And why today? Why on a day when she didn't get enough sleep?

The first eye twitched and she closed her eyes for a couple of seconds, trying to give them a little respite and let them enjoy the pleasant darkness. Clenching her fist so that it was slightly white, Andy opened her eyes, trying to find the jar with her eyes.

His eyes immediately caught on a small wooden table in the middle of the room, on which stood a small, yellow-wrapped, battered jar, the label of which had long since been erased, which was surprising. It was bought not so long ago. Only a week ago.

Her lower jaw began to tremble slightly, and Andy stood up quickly, trying not to fall and swallowing the pills as quickly as possible. They worked very well, giving her an influx of inspiration. After them, you immediately felt that you were omnipotent and could move mountains.

"Fuck”.

Opening the white lid and shifting it to her other hand, Andy swallowed when she found only two pills there. Her hand trembled, and she realized that this should be enough. Maybe for a day or two, but then she'd have to buy a supply of new ones, since she wasn't sure if she really had any jars left on the kitchen shelves.

Putting the small white pills in her mouth, Andy, feeling a great need for them, immediately swallowed them. Her hands stopped shaking, and a bitter taste was sharply felt in her throat, which was not the most pleasant effect and it was better to wash down the pill with something sweet to kill the taste.

Miles, unable to find anything sweet and healthy, and too lazy to go for water, turned her attention to the half-finished bottle of beer and reached for it. Presenting it, the girl's nose immediately caught the yeast smell and she gulped down the remaining drink. The taste made itself felt: there was a sweetness in her throat.

Suddenly, a signal sounded from the window, which was unpleasant to hear on a slightly drunk head.

***

My head was splitting with pain, but these were the first stages of what is usually present after taking the pills. The second stage was that the stomach began to ache with an indefinable pain, but soon it faded and it subsided. The mind was completely cleared of obsessive thoughts and was in full sanity.

With a jerk of her hand, she grabbed her temple, pressing it lightly with her middle finger, as if trying to find a point of pain and calm it down. Or at least make it a little nicer. Although it was possible to get used to this for a long time, or at least just take the pain for granted in order to get the desired effect of inspiration in the future, but with each new time, Andy's mind simply wished that these pills were taken.

Andy inhaled deeply and smelled the smoke-filled smell. The smell of the car mingled with the Camel cigarettes that Don loved so much for their surprisingly mild taste. Although Miles didn't particularly like them, preferring Chesterfield more because of their cheapness and tart taste after smoking a cigarette. The tobacco left a slight bitterness.

She shivered, pressing her lips into a thin line, feeling the second temple begin to ache with exactly the same negative pain and a weightless thud echoing in the back of her brain.

She rubbed her fingers over her temples, trying to stop the sickness, and closed her eyes. She needed to focus on something else. Something that would help her control her thoughts.

"Don, Andy, how are you?" an eerily familiar voice that carried only concern was heard, and a smile appeared on the girl's face. Hank.

She raised her head, seeing the intent gaze fixed on her. Miles nodded her head at him, as if to let him know that she was doing great, and that she was basking in joy. Although it may not have been visible from the outside, but a smile soaked in fake was on Andy's face. She didn't want anyone to worry about her. I've already experienced such moments in my life, stop being a mumbler.

"Not bad," Don chuckled, turning his head to look at Hank, who was getting into the backseat next to Andy. The girl raised an eyebrow, biting her lower lip and pulling a small piece of skin off with her teeth. Leaning back against the chair, Andi straightened her back and focused her gaze on the beige roof panel.

"I'm fine, too," she muttered, watching in her peripheral vision as Williams shook Don's hand and he started the car. Blinking, Andy has a quick thought that Hank is acting extremely suspicious, but it disappears from his mind just as it appears. It's just her imagination under the drugs, nothing more.

The car begins to itch with a slight tremor and soon starts moving. Andy looks at the road, making sure it's a comfortable ride or a rolling one.

"Where are you going to live, buddy?" Helms 'voice rings out, and Miles' eyes flick to the boy. She raises an eyebrow, and Hank gives her a hard, doubtful look. Shouldn't he and Audrey have shared out the budget and what went to whom? Wasn't their divorce finalized yet?

There was a gasp from Williams.

"I think l'll have to stay in a cheap hotel. I don't have much money right now," he ran a hand through his dark, greasy hair, pulling it back a little. It was as if his thoughts were far away and he didn't want to talk about it.

"What about Audrey?"

"She's just fine," the doubt and uncertainty seeping out of the guy's voice was understandable. It was obvious that he was trying to hide it. And Andy didn't particularly like it.

Miles pursed her lips, closing her eyes and carefully trying to control the thoughts that were racing through her mind at an unbearable speed. Hank needed help, though he carefully denied it and decried any such attention to himself.

Her headache had subsided, and now she could think straight, except for the fact that in a couple of minutes her stomach would also be hurting, but that was nothing. Right now, Hank needed help. He needed to show her what Andy hadn't given him last time. She won't screw up this time.

"Your pupils are dilated," a voice said, and the girl didn't even notice how intently she was looking at the guy. Blinking, his vision was back to normal. "Is everything all right?"

She couldn't help but smile. She liked Hank's concern for her. She needed it, feeling completely at ease after being given attention and support. He was the person who really paid attention to her condition and sympathy.

Miles was sure that as soon as she fell ill and lay down with the disease, Williams would immediately put everything aside and rush to her aid, trying to recover from the pain. And such care on the part of the guy she was terribly flattered.

***

"Are you sure it doesn't hurt?" Hank was lightly touching Miles ' bruised arm, where a bottle had broken on stage, scratching her arm and leaving her with no money in her pocket to finish the "performance" at a local bar.

Biting her lip between her teeth, Miles nodded to the air, noticing how quickly the guy reacted to this, trying to touch her skin even more gently and weightlessly.

"It'll do."

"You shouldn't have been drinking today..." he muttered, shaking his head and continuing to touch the cotton wool that was soaked in the alcohol solution.

Andy's brow furrowed. Since when does Hank regret the past? That doesn't sound like him. He lives in the present day and certainly rarely remembers the past.

"Really, who do you think offered me alcohol?" raises an eyebrow Miles. The tone of her voice was very sarcastic. It was evident that she was beginning to laugh at her friend.

***

"Never mind," Andy waved away the question Williams had asked a few seconds ago. Admitting to him that she was using would make her life even more hectic. The care was pleasant, but only in moderation. She didn't want him prying into her drug-and alcohol-related personal life.

It is better to let him remain in happy ignorance than in the treacherous truth. To reveal a secret that she had kept with a loved one since childhood would be wrong on her part, because otherwise what would be the point of hiding it?

The car was twitching slightly. The suspensions were loose, which was especially noticeable in the rear seats, distracting from thoughts.

Seeing that Hank didn't really believe her light, superficial lie, he only gave her a quick, serious look, which was completely out of keeping with his temperament.

"You're staying with me tonight," Interrupting the subject and recalling the previous conversation, Andy looked back at Hank, nodding at him. He was looking at her with a look that clearly wondered why she would think that.

Miles wanted to thank him. She had not felt such affection and awe towards herself for a long time, so every time she felt a manifestation of love, she succumbed to her feelings and she wanted to show that she was addressing a person with the same care.

***

Miles hoped that the guy wouldn't notice the mess that accompanied her house in all the rooms. Although how can you not notice that all over the living room are scattered sketches of songs and crumpled pieces of paper that would be easier to throw away.

However, Andy still didn't touch anything, because very often it happened that she found rhyme and the right sensual lines that would take your breath away, to other lines written on different pieces of paper.

"Don't pay attention to the mess," Andy advised, pursing her lips as Hank's eyes scanned the living room. Andy sighed. No, he had to look in the place where it was dirty and not cleaned up.

Williams raised his eyebrows, gripping his dark suitcase in his right hand and swallowing, turned his attention to the girl, opening his mouth slightly.

"Where can I stay?" He scratched his head, tilting it towards the living room, hinting that he would stay in the living room. This was not such a bad decision, as long as he did not touch anything and did not disturb the creative mess.

"I only have one bedroom," Andy hesitated, nodding toward the living room. She could have given him a place in her bedroom and taken the living room herself, which would have been very decent, but it would have been impossible to sleep on this sofa in the living room, since it was quite hard. "You can sleep there, and I'll sleep in the living room until you can find a place to live in," or until he and Audrey make up.

She knew that the subject of Audrey, a painful subject, was not worth mentioning at all, and it was better to keep quiet about it. Miles knew that they would make up sooner or later, but lately, with the current circumstances, those feelings were disappearing and thoughts of reconciliation were disappearing.

Audrey and Hank were a really good couple, but their quarrels were outrageous. This is what destroyed what they were creating. It ruined their marriage, which was held together by thin threads, ready to break up at any second.

Andy blinked, then turned her attention back to Hank, who seemed to be saying something. His voice seemed blurred in her thoughts. And apparently realizing that the first time he was not listened to, he repeated:

"Are you sure I won't push you?"

His smile was pleasant, and she knew that Hank had agreed to her terms.

In fact, her house was really her very large size. We were happy with what we had enough money for, but sometimes it was really very cramped to live here, even alone, what can we say about two people. How do people get a couple, living in such unpleasant conditions? Andy would never understand them, she was sure.

"I'll sleep on the couch for now, but you can still take my room. I'll make room for you," the girl muttered as she brushed past her friend and opened the white door to her bedroom. It's not the first time she's slept in a different bed. “In the meantime, look around the house."

[kailasanithyanandagurukulsea]

5 APRIL 2021, MONDAY (IST) 08:18 AM - THE SPH DARSHAN SHAKTI PADA AND SHAKTINI PADA WITH THE LIVE DARSHAN OF THE SUPREME...

5 APRIL 2021, MONDAY (IST) 08:18 AM - THE SPH DARSHAN SHAKTI PADA AND SHAKTINI PADA WITH THE LIVE DARSHAN OF THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM (SPH), JAGATGURU MAHASANNIDHANAM (JGM), HIS DIVINE HOLINESS (HDH) BHAGAVAN NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM. 08:19 AM TO 9:34 AM - #NithyanandaSatsang *PARAMASHIVA’S MESSAGE DIRECTLY FROM KAILASA: *LIBERATING YOURSELF FROM OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERNS AND ITS SUFFOCATION IS LIBERATING YOURSELF FROM DELUSION. *THE GREATEST SUFFERING IS, IDENTIFYING YOURSELF WITH YOUR ‘OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTION AND SUFFOCATION IT BRINGS IN YOUR LIFE’, AS YOU. *YOU IDENTIFY YOURSELF WITH YOUR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN, ALL THE SUFFOCATION THAT PATTERN BRINGS, AND YOU START BLAMING EVERYONE OTHER THAN YOU! *THIS IS THE WORST DELUSION IN LIFE. *EVEN IF YOU A DRINK CUP OF COFFEE BECAUSE OF OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN, IT IS DRINKING POISON BECAUSE THE COFFEE IS GOING TO STRENGTH THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN. *IF YOU JUST UNDERSTAND THIS ONE MESSAGE FROM PARAMASHIVA, YOU WILL PULL YOURSELF OUT OF ALL DELUSION. *YOU STRONGLY FEEL THAT THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN IS ‘YOU’ AND WITH ALL THE SUFFOCATION THAT COMES WITH THAT PATTERN, YOU START BLAMING EVERYONE AROUND YOU SAYING THAT, ‘THEY ARE ALL SUFFOCATING ME’, INSTEAD OF LOOKING INSIDE AND SOLVING IT / ATTENDING TO IT. *EVERYTIME A DISCIPLE LISTENS TO MY WORDS, MY INSTRUCTION, MY GURUVAK, HE IS BLESSED, PROTECTED, SHOWERED. *I AM TELLING THIS TO INDUPRIYAL DIRECTLY, BECAUSE SHE WALKED OUT OF ONE OF HER BIGGEST OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERNS, LISTENING TO MY WORDS, GURUVAK. *WHEN I GIVE YOU A GURUVAK, I PUT MY HAND EXACTLY ON THAT OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN. *WHEN YOU LISTEN TO GURUVAK, NOT ONLY YOU ESCAPE FROM ALL SUFFOCATION, SIDE EFFECTS, AFTER EFFECTS, YOU ARE SHOWERED BY ALL AUSPICIOUSNESS. *I CAN GIVE YOU MILLIONS OF EXAMPLES. *EVERYTIME WHEN PEOPLE WALK OUT OF THEIR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERNS, THEY SAVE THEMSELVES FROM TONS OF SUFFERINGS. THEY PULL THEMSELVES OUT OF DELUSION AND THEY ARE SHOWERED WITH ALL THE GOOD THINGS! *ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL QUALITIES I HAVE SEEN WITH JNANANTMA IS...I WILL TRAIN HER, SCREAM, ALL THAT IS DIFFERENT...ONE BEAUTIFUL QUALITY, END OF THE DAY, SHE WILL SIMPLY OBEY ME. *SHE KNOWS THAT ONLY BY OBEYING ME SHE WILL GET OUT OF HER OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY DISORDER. *THAT ONE DECISION JNANATMA HAS - OBEYING THE GURUVAK, THAT SAVES HER FROM ALL THE MESS, KARMAS AND DELUSIONS. *I HAVE SAVED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE FROM THEIR SUFFERINGS, SUFFOCATIONS, DELUSIONS, JUST BY DIRECTLY POINTING OUT THEIR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN. *IF I HAVE TO GIVE A ROUGH EQUIVALENT FOR THE WORD ‘TROBHAVA’, DELUSION, I WILL GIVE THIS: OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN - ASSOCIATING, IDENTIFYING YOURSELF WITH THAT PATTERN AND SUFFOCATING YOURSELF AND BLAMING EVERYONE SAYING, ‘OH PERSON MADE ME TO BELIEVE THIS PATTERN….THIS PERSON PUT THE PATTERN IN ME... THIS PERSON IS SUFFOCATING ME….’ BLAME EVERYONE IN THE WORLD RATHER THAN COMPLETING WITH THE PATTERN AND GETTING OUT OF IT. *AND I HAVE ALSO SEEN PEOPLE WASTE THEIR TIME, MONEY, TREASURE, LIFE, TALENT, EVERYTHING IN STUPID SICKNESSES. *ACTUALLY THERE WON’T BE SICKNESS. IT IS JUST OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN BECOMING SO DEEP IN THEIR SYSTEM THAT EVEN THEY START LYING TO THEMSELVES. *THEY LIE TO THEMSELF SO STRONGLY THEY MANIFEST, CREATE DISEASES INSIDE. *ACTUALLY THEY DON'T HAVE ANY DISEASE, BUT IF YOU TELL THEM, THEY WON'T LISTEN. *SO I WILL TELL, ‘OKAY, GET MEDICAL CARE.’ WHAT TO DO... *ONLY WHEN THEY REALIZE THE GURUVAK, THEY WILL GET OUT OF THE DISEASE. *I HAVE MADE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ACHIEVE LIBERATION, ENLIGHTENMENT ITSELF, JUST BY BREAKING THIS ONE PATTERN - OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN. *SAME WAY, I HAVE MADE MILLIONS WALK OUT OF THEIR DISEASES INCLUDING CANCER, JUST BY GIVING BHASMA - SACRED ASH - AND HELPING THEM WALK OUT OF THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN. *I HAVE SEEN HOW PEOPLE CREATE DELUSIONS, SUFFOCATION, SUFFERING, TORTURE THEMSELVES AND OTHERS, WITH THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN. *IF YOU BREAK FROM THIS PATTERN, YOU WILL START LIVING IN ANANDAMAYA KOSHA. *MOST OF THE TIME, YOUR LAZINESS IS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR. *YOUR IRRITATION, ANGER, HUNGER, ALMOST EVERYTHING WHICH SUFFOCATES / BINDS YOU, IS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER, REACTIONARY PATTERN. *WHEN I GIVE A GURUVAK, I WILL PRECISELY PUT MY HAND ON THAT PATTERN ONLY! *ONLY ONE GURUVAK I GAVE BHAGAVAN REDDY AND HE OBEYED. I SAID, ‘STOP WATCHING MOVIES.’ *HE WILL ASK, ‘CAN I WATCH THIS MOVIE... THAT MOVIE.. I STOPPED TELUGU MOVIES... CAN I WATCH DEVOTIONAL MOVIES?’ I SAID, ‘NOTHING DOING...STOP WATCHING MOVIES.’ *THE KIND OF WEALTH, SUCCESS, EVERYTHING HE IS ENJOYING NOW IS JUST BY OBEYING THAT ONE GURUVAK. *AND I KNOW THAT WITHIN THE NEXT FEW YEARS HE WILL BECOME A BILLIONAIRE, NOT JUST A MILLIONAIRE! *I AM TELLING YOU THE SUCCESS STORIES OF HOW BREAKING FROM YOUR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY BEHAVIOUR LIBERATES YOU, MAKES YOU FEEL SUCCESS IN LIFE. *WHETHER YOUR HUNGER, ANGER, FEAR, SEX, VIOLENCE OR GUILT, ALL POWERLESSNESS IS YOUR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN. *SAME WAY I CAN GIVE YOU THE OTHER SIDE: HOW WHEN PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND, THEIR WHOLE LIFE IS DESTROYED. *ONE FELLOW WHO WAS EVEN A BRAHMACHARI IN ADIKAILASA - HIS NAME IS VISHNU BHARANI…. I AM TELLING THE NAME BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY... ONLY THEN YOU WILL UNDERSTAND... *HIS FATHER WAS A VERY GREAT DEVOTEE. HE CAME AND CRIED THAT HIS SON IS BEHAVING IN A VERY WEIRD WAY AND REQUESTED TO SOMEHOW HEAL HIM. *THE FATHER HAS DONE SOME CRIME IN HIS LIFE AND THAT KARMA IS FOLLOWING HIM LIKE A DEMON, POSSESSING HIM, AND THE SAME THING IS HAPPENING TO HIS SON. *BECAUSE HE IS A GREAT DEVOTEE, HE IS SOMEHOW CONNECTED TO ME AND I DECIDED TO SAVE HIM. *I TOLD HIM, ‘ALRIGHT, LET HIM BE HERE, I WILL HEAL HIM AND YOU BE AWAY FROM HIM. I DON'T WANT BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER. *THAT GHOST - BIPOLAR, STARTED HEALING AND HE STARTED GETTING HEALED AND SETTLED. *BUT THIS STUPID FELLOW, THE MOMENT HE IS HEALED AND BECOMES ALRIGHT, HIS ARROGANCE COMES UP AND HE SAID, ‘I AM GOING.’ *I SAID, ‘ALRIGHT... WHAT TO DO?’ *AFTER A FEW DAYS IN HIS HOMETOWN OOTY, HE WAS NOT ABLE TO MAINTAIN HIS HEALTH. *AFTER SOME DAYS, HE CAME BACK AGAIN WITH HIS FATHER. *AGAIN, AFTER SOME TIME, HE STARTED BEATING OTHERS. *NOW I SAID, ‘WHAT CAN BE DONE?’ AADHEENAVASIS STARTED COMPLAINING TO ME, ‘HE IS BEHAVING ABUSIVELY AND BEATING ALL OF US.’ *I SAID, ‘DON’T DO THIS. BE POLITE.’ *I TOLD THEM, ‘JUST SUPPORT HIM. HE IS POSSESSED. HE WILL BECOME ALRIGHT.’ HE WAS IN MADURAI SHYAMALA PEETHA SARVAJNAPEETHAM. *I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY THERE WITH HIM. *I TOLD THEM TO THINK THAT HE IS A PATIENT AND SUPPORT HIM. *BUT HE BECAME SO ARROGANT AND CALLED HIS FATHER. *I TOLD THE FATHER: ‘BOTH OF YOU HAVE THE SAME GHOST. IF YOU ARE TOGETHER, BE VERY CLEAR, ONE WILL KILL THE OTHER.’ *UNFORTUNATELY BOTH ARE NOT WILLING TO LISTEN. *UNFORTUNATELY IT IS THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN. *THE GHOST KARMA OF HIS CRIMES HAS TAKEN OVER THEM SO POWERFULLY. *IT TOOK THE SON AND BOTH OF THEM WENT. I CLEARLY WARNED THEM THAT WITHIN A FEW MONTHS, BOTH OF THEM WILL KILL EACH OTHER. *I TOLD HIM, ‘YOU WILL TRIGGER EACH OTHER JUST BY YOUR PRESENCE WITH EACH OTHER.’ *IN HINDU TRADITION THE GREAT SCIENCE OF JYOTISHA ASTROLOGY IS GIVEN FOR THIS ONLY - YOU CAN SEE WHAT TRAITS RUN IN A PERSON AND GUIDE THEM. *I TOLD THEM CLEARLY. *BUT THEY BOTH THOUGHT I TOLD THE SON TO BE IN THE ASHRAM TO WORK FOR ME! *STUPID FELLOW! HE NEVER WORKED NOR CONTRIBUTED. WHAT WORK CAN A POSSESSED FELLOW DO? *AND HE WAS BEATING EVERYONE! I WAS ASKING EVERYONE TO SUPPORT HIM. *THE FATHER DIED DUE TO A HEART ATTACK. *IMMEDIATELY THE SON REALIZED WHAT I TOLD IS TRUE AND BEGGED ME TO SAVE HIM. *I TOLD HIM TO COME BACK TO RAJAPALAYAM AADHEENAM AND BE ALONE AND DO SOME GAU-SEVA AND SETTLE DOWN. *BUT UNFORTUNATELY HIS ARROGANCE, HE DID NOT COME. NOW HE HAS ACTUALLY BECOME MAD. *NOT ONLY MAD, A FEW DAYS BACK, HE IS SENDING ME THE MESSAGE, ‘YOU HAND OVER THE WHOLE SANGHA TO ME. I WANT TO GO PARIVRAJAKA YATRA WITH THE WHOLE SANGHA. YOU TAKE REST!’ *AFTER A FEW DAYS HE IS MESSAGING, ‘EVERYONE AROUND ME THINKS I HAVE GONE MAD AND I AM AFRAID OTHERS ARE GOING TO KILL ME.’ *I WANT TO PUT ON RECORD: EITHER HE WILL KILL OTHERS AND GO TO JAIL OR HE WILL COMMIT SUICIDE OR HE WILL BE KILLED BECAUSE TO PROTECT THEMSELVES, SOMEONE WILL KILL HIM. IT HAS GONE OUT OF HIS HANDS. NOBODY CAN SAVE HIM. *EVEN IF I GIVE A SEPARATE ASHRAM FOR HIM HE DOESN'T WANT TO STAY! *THAT KARMA IN THE FORM OF GHOST HAS TAKEN OVER HIM. *HIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN IS SO STRONG NOW. NOBODY CAN SAVE HIM. *I HAVE PUT THIS ON RECORD. *ANYONE OF YOU CAN TRY TO REACH OUT TO HIM AND EDUCATE HIM, BUT HE WILL NOT LISTEN. *OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN IS TOO DANGEROUS *YESTERDAY I HAVE FELT SUCH A DEEP JOB SATISFACTION WHEN I SAVED INDUPRIYAL. SHE IS WORTHY OF SAVING. SHE IS SUCH A SWEET PERSON. *SHE WAS ACTUALLY LITERALLY GETTING SUCKED INTO A VERY DANGEROUS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN. *HER LISTENING TO MY GURUVAK OR MY WORDS JUST SAVED HER. *I HAVE SO MUCH JOB SATISFACTION WHENEVER I LIBERATE PEOPLE FROM THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN! *RECENTLY JYOTIKA AND BHAKTIKA... *BHAKTIKA HAS SO MUCH ANGER TOWARDS EVERYONE AROUND HER. I MADE A RULE WHEN THE CORONA STARTED SPREADING IN INDIA, I SEALED ALL THE ASHRAMS, BECAUSE I KNOW EVEN IF YOU DON'T DIE BY CORONA, YOUR POWER MANIFESTING ABILITY WILL GREATLY BE DESTROYED AND DRASTICALLY REDUCED IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY CORONA. *I WAS SO VIGILANT. *BUT THIS BHAKTIKA... SUCH CUNNING, EXTREMELY DISOBEDIENT... ANGER AND VIOLENCE TOWARDS EVERYONE...IT IS LIKE A GANGING UP…THEY DID NOT SHUT DOWN THE TIRUVANNAMALAI CAMPUS. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE PUT THEM IN CHARGE THEY THOUGHT IT IS THEIR ASHRAM. THEY DID NOT OBEY ME...OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN. *THEY THINK, ‘IF SOME RULE IS PUT, WE WILL NOT ASK WHY, WHAT, ALL... THAT WE WILL JUST CROSS. WE KNOW HOW TO CHEAT. WE KNOW HOW TO BREAK...’ THAT GIVES SOMETHING LIKE A KICK. *FINALLY WHO SUFFERED? BHAKTIKA SUFFERED WITH CORONA. SHE DID NOT DIE. IT IS A GOOD THING SHE IS ALIVE. BUT NOW HOW MUCH I HAVE TO WORK TO MAKE HER DO POWER MANIFESTATION, TO RECOVER HER TO MANIFEST POWERS! *SAME WAY JYOTIKA.... SO MUCH VIOLENCE ON EVERYONE AROUND. *SHE DID NOT WAIT 5 MINUTES IN MADURAI SSJP FOR ANNAMAYA TO OPEN THE GATE. SHE JUST WENT AWAY TO RAJAPALAYAM. *THEY CAME AND REPORTED TO ME. I SAID, ‘OK LET HER FACE HER OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN.’ *SHE JUST FELL INTO CHICKEN POX...ONLY ONE PATTERN! *I SAID, ‘ALRIGHT IF THEY ARE NOT READY TO LISTEN…’. I TOLD SO MUCH TO HER, ’DROP THIS PATTERN, BEHAVE YOURSELF, BRING PARAMSHANTA INSIDE YOUR SPACE...SO MUCH I TOLD…’ IT’S DIRECTLY I GUIDED, BUT SHE DID NOT LISTEN. *5 MINUTES IT TOOK ANNAMAYA TO OPEN THE DOOR TO LET HER IN. BUT THAT 5 MINUTES SHE CANNOT WAIT AND STAND AND SHE WENT AWAY TO ANOTHER BRANCH. SO I SAID, ‘OK LET HER FACE HER PATTERN.’ *JUST THE NEXT DAY, SHE GOT CHICKEN POX. YES, SHE WILL BE OUT OF CHICKEN POX. I WILL PROTECT HER, HEAL HER, ALL THAT. BUT SHE ONLY HAS TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN. *I CAN GIVE YOU 1000S OF EXAMPLES… *ONE OF THE WORST PATTERNS JYOTIKA HAS IS, SHE WILL BE SO LOVING, CARING OVER PHONE, SAME PERSON, IF SHE SEES DIRECTLY PHYSICALLY FACE-TO-FACE, SHE WILL LITERALLY DESTROY THE PERSON WITH HER ANGER AND VIOLENCE. *I SAID, ‘THIS IS YOUR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN. DON'T DESTROY YOURSELF. WORK ON THIS PATTERN. HEAL YOURSELF AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE.’ *IF YOU DROP THIS PATTERN AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE, YOU WILL MANIFEST POWERS. *SHE WAS NOT READY TO LISTEN. *SOME OF THE BEST PEOPLE I HAVE ARE THOSE WHO BROKE ALL THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERNS. *I GAVE JUST FEW GURUVAKS TO GURUCHARANA TO BREAK HER OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERN. *SHE TOOK ONE OR TWO YEARS TO WORK ON IT BUT WHEN SHE BROKE THAT, SHE STARTED MANIFESTING SUCH POWERS…! *ANYONE SHE TALKS TO, THEY GET PHYSICALLY HEALED, MENTALLY HEALED, CONSCIOUSLY ENRICHED AND BECOME PART OF THE SANGHA. IT IS A POWER MANIFESTATION! THEY GET ENRICHED AND START ENRICHING OTHERS. *I CAN GIVE YOU MILLIONS OF CASE STUDIES FOR THIS SIDE, WHO LISTENED, OBEYED AND BROKE THEIR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REATIONARY PATTERNS, AND SAME WAY I CAN GIVE YOU THE EXAMPLES OF THE OTHER SIDE OF THOSE WHO DID NOT LISTEN AND SAID, ‘HE IS ASKING ME TO BE HERE TO GET HIS WORK DONE…!’ *IF I HIRE PROFESSIONALS INSTEAD OF SANYASIS, I WOULD HAVE GOT 1000 TIMES MORE WORK DONE SPENDING JUST 1% OF WHAT I SPENT ON SANYASIS… THE TIME, TREASURE, TALENT I SPENT ON TRAINING MY SANYASIS, BRAHMACHARIS, BALASANTS…. *IN TRAINING OF SANYASIS, HOW MUCH WEALTH GOT DESTROYED... *IT IS NOT JUST THEIR INEFFICIENCY, IT IS THEIR VIOLENCE... *I KNOW SOME OF THE FELLOWS WHO WERE BRAHMACHARIS, THEY WILL DESTROY DIGITAL EQUIPMENT LIKE CAMERAS WHEN THEY ARE ANGRY. THEY WILL THROW THEM AROUND. *IF I BOTHERED ABOUT THE PRODUCTIVITY, WORK, IF I ADOPT THE STRATEGY OF HIRE AND FIRE, I WOULD HAVE GOT 1000 TIMES MORE WORK WITH JUST 1% OF THE MONEY I SPENT ON MY SANYASIS AND THE MONEY THEY DESTROYED IN THE COURSE OF MY TRAINING. *MANY OF THESE SO-CALLED AADHEENAVASIS JUST DISAPPEAR WHEN THEY COME AND DESTROY TOO MUCH MONEY. THEY DON'T WANT TO FACE IT. *BUT THEY CANNOT ESCAPE. WHO IS GOING TO GO AFTER THEM...BUT YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FROM KARMA. *ONLY THE GURU’S PROTECTION WILL SAVE YOU FROM KARMA. *WHEN YOU DO GURU DROHA AND SANGHA DROHA, HOW CAN THAT KARMA BE ESCAPED? *YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FROM IT. WHEREVER YOU GO, IT WILL HAUNT YOU. *WHATEVER GOOD KARMA YOU HAVE DONE, THE GOOD KARMA WILL ALSO COME. BUT THE BAD KARMA YOU CAN’T ESCAPE. *ONLY AN ENLIGHTENED BEING WHO DOES NOT HAVE KARMA, ONLY AN INCARNATION, CAN SAVE YOU FROM YOUR KARMA. *WHEN A GURU GIVES A GURUVAK, NEVER JUDGE HIM SAYING, ‘MAYBE THIS IS THE REASON, THAT IS THE REASON WHY HE IS TELLING THAT…’ *HE HAS NO REASON OTHER THAN TAKING CARE OF YOU, LIBERATING YOU, SAVING YOU… *MANY TIMES I HAVE TOLD PEOPLE, ‘EH THIS IS THE TIME YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND, YOU AND YOUR MOTHER, SHOULD BE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER...MEANS THERE IS A KARMA CONNECTION RUNNING THROUGH THEM AND ONE AGITATES THE OTHER WITH EXTREME OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN. *I TELL THEM, ‘BE AWAY, BE SEPARATED FOR SOME TIME. IT WILL BE GOOD FOR BOTH OF YOU. OTHERWISE BOTH OF YOU WILL IRREPARABLY DESTROY EACH OTHER.’ *WHEN THEY OBEYED THEY SURVIVED. WHEN THEY TRY TO GIVE THEIR OWN REASON, WHO CAN SAVE THEM? *SAME WAY I TELL PEOPLE, ‘YOU BE WITH THIS PERSON. THIS PERSON WILL TRAIN YOU AND CLEAR ALL YOUR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERNS.’ *I TOLD JYOTIKA, ‘BE WITH ANNAMAYA. SHE WILL EXACTLY POINT OUT ALL YOUR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERNS AND YOU HAVE A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO COMPLETE AND LIBERATE YOURSELF.’ *SHE WAS NOT READY. *I SAID, ‘ALRIGHT, WHAT CAN BE DONE?’ *GURUVAK CAN SAVE YOU FROM WASTING YEARS AND YEARS IN PAIN AND SUFFERING IN YOUR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERNS AND BEHAVIOURS. *SAME WAY, NOT LISTENING, AND GIVING YOUR OWN REASONS FOR GURUVAK AND NOT LISTENING TO GURUVAK AND NOT BREAKING THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY BEHAVIOR, PATTERN, AND SUFFOCATING YOURSELF... WHO CAN SAVE YOU, I DON'T KNOW. *SOME OF THE BEST PEOPLE / DISCIPLES I HAVE SEEN IN MY LIFE, WHO I HAVE PRODUCED, ARE THE PEOPLE WHO BROKE THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY BEHAVIOUR. *SOME OF THE WORST PEOPLE I HAVE SEEN ARE NOT BREAKING THIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN AND SUFFOCATING THEMSELVES WITH IT AND BLAMING EVERYONE FOR IT. *SOMETIMES THE INSTRUCTION WILL BE TOO SIMPLE. ONCE DHYANATMA WAS SUFFERING WITH A PATTERN. I TOLD HER, ‘JUST SHAVE YOUR HEAD.’ SHE SHAVED AND BECAME COMPLETELY ALRIGHT FROM THAT PATTERN! SHE JUST SAVED HERSELF! *SOMETIMES EVEN REPEATEDLY ADVISING, PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN. *DVAITAVARJITA I AM TELLING YOU CLEARLY, NO MEDICINE, NOTHING WILL HEAL YOU. ONLY ALIGNING TO KAILASA LIFESTYLE AND GURUVAK WILL HEAL YOU. YOU TRY ANYTHING YOU WANT, GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT, NOTHING WILL HEAL YOU. *YOU ARE SUFFERING AND SUFFOCATING YOURSELF WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN, BEHAVIOUR PATTERN AND YOU SUFFOCATE YOURSELF AND ARE ABUSING EVERYONE. *NOBODY CAN SAVE YOU UNLESS YOU BREAK IT. *SAME WAY POORNAPRIYA: THE WAY YOU ARE BUILDING YOUR ARROGANCE, YOU WILL DESTROY YOURSELF COMPLETELY. YOU ARE CROSSING YOUR LIMITS. YOU WILL SEE… *I AM PUTTING ALL THIS ON PUBLIC RECORD SO THAT YOU GUYS CAN SEE AND VERIFY LATER ON WHETHER THEY BROKE THEIR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN AND SAVED THEMSELVES OR DESTROYED THEMSELVES. *PEOPLE THINK THEIR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN IS VERY CUTE AND THEY IDENTIFY THEMSELVES WITH IT AND THEY FEEL THAT IS THEIR FREEDOM. *IT IS LIKE CALLING YOUR SH*T AS YOUR FOOD. *YOUR SH*T CAN NEVER BE YOUR FOOD. *YOUR TUMOR CAN NEVER BE YOUR MUSCLE. *BUILD MUSCLES, NOT TUMORS. *YOU ARE TRYING TO ASSOCIATE YOURSELF WITH YOUR CANCEROUS TUMOURS. YOU THINK YOUR CANCEROUS TUMOURS ARE YOUR MUSCLES AND CALL IT ‘CUTE’. *UNDERSTAND WHAT IS YOUR CANCER AND WHAT IS YOUR MUSCLE. *NOT UNDERSTANDING IS NOT CUTE. *WHEN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND DON'T LISTEN TO GURUVAK, THE WAY YOU DESTROY YOURSELF BECOMES IRREPARABLE, IRRETRIEVABLE. *IN FEW DAYS I WILL GIVE YOU GUYS THE UPDATE ABOUT VISHNU BHARANI. *SOME OF YOU MAY BE HIS FRIEND. TRY TO CALL HIM AND ADVISE HIM. YOU CAN’T! HE WILL NOT LISTEN! *THAT KARMA GHOST HAS TAKEN OVER HIM. IT HAS ALREADY KILLED HIS FATHER. NOW IT IS RUNNING THROUGH HIM. *I FELT SO BAD BECAUSE I TOLD THE FATHER SO MANY TIMES. I TOLD HIS FATHER, ‘ALREADY YOU TRIED. HE CAME BACK BUT WHAT HAPPENED IN FEW DAYS YOU KNOW. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?’ *HE THOUGHT ‘OH NOW MY SON HAS BECOME ALRIGHT. WHY SHOULD HE NOT WORK FOR ME WHY SHOULD HE WORK FOR SWAMIJI?’ *HE IS NOT WORKING, HE IS ONLY HITTING AT EVERYONE! *HE THOUGHT WE ARE LIKE A MENTAL ASYLUM AND ONCE THE BOY IS HEALED HE CAN TAKE HIM BACK. *I SAID, ‘EH! IT IS NOT THAT HE IS PERMANENTLY HEALED. IT IS A KARMA TRAIL.’ BUT WHAT TO DO? *EVEN AFTER HIS FATHER DIED, ONLY FEW DAYS HE HAD THE CLARITY, ‘OH! I MESSED THE LIFE.’ BUT THEN AGAIN THE DELUSION CAME BACK. *I CAN GIVE 1000S AND 1000S OF REFERENCES OF HOW PEOPLE DESTROYED THEMSELVES WITH THIS REACTIONARY SUFFOCATING COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOURS AND HOW THEY FLARE UP WITH THAT COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY SUFFOCATING BEHAVIOUR. *DVAITAVARJITA, DON’T WORRY, I WILL NEVER STOP SPENDING ON YOU. I WILL GIVE YOU MORE THAN WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU ASK FOR 1000 THINGS, I WILL GIVE YOU 1500 THINGS AND SAY, ‘HAVE THIS ALSO AND ENJOY’. BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR PROBLEM BECAUSE THE PROBLEM IS THE PATTERN, YOUR ARROGANCE, NOT REAL DISEASE, AND WHEREVER YOU GO, YOU WILL NOT GET OUT OF IT. THE PROBLEM IS NOT THE DISEASE. THERE IS NO DISEASE. *SAME WAY POORNAPRIYA… *I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY ARE EVEN LISTENING. THEY MAY BE HEARING BUT I DON’T KNOW WHETHER THEY ARE LISTENING! *I KNOW ONE FELLOW WHO ALL THE TIME USED TO GIVE TORTURE TO EVERYONE IN THE NAME OF ‘HE IS HAVING BACK PAIN.’ *I TOLD HIM, ‘ALL YOU NEED IS JUST YOGA AND GET OUT OF THIS PATTERN.’ *HE THOUGHT I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ON HIS TREATMENT! *I HAVE SPENT SO MUCH AND I SAID, ‘HAVE ALL THE TREATMENT YOU WANT, BUT ALL YOU NEED IS JUST YOGA.’ *HE DID NOT LISTEN. HE JUST DISAPPEARED. NOW WHETHER THAT PATTERN OR PAIN IS THERE OR NOT, HE HAS TO TOLERATE AND LIVE WITH IT AND JUSTIFY IT AND JUST TO PROVE HE IS RIGHT, HE HAS TO CREATE ALL KINDS OF PATTERNS AND DELUSIONS AND HE WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE HIMSELF! *I HAVE SEEN ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE NOW IN ALMOST 27 YEARS OF PUBLIC LIFE FROM 1996. *AND 41ST CHATURMASYA IS COMING! *THIS YEAR CHATURMASYA WILL BE THE 41ST. *FROM AGE 3 I STARTED. THIS COMING CHATURMASYA FROM GURU PURNIMA TO NAVARATRI WILL BE THE 41ST. *IN 41 YEARS OF SPIRITUAL LIFE AND 26 YEARS OF PUBLIC LIFE I HAVE SEEN ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. *LET US ALL PLAN TOGETHER AND SPEND THIS 41ST CHATURMASYA BY FOCUSSING ON SHASTRA ADHYANANA... READING SPIRITUAL SCRIPTURES AND EMPOWERING OURSELVES WITH SPIRITUAL SCRIPTURES... READING - VEDAS, UPANISHADS, BHAGAVAD GITA, BRAHMA SUTRAS, ALL THE COMMENTARIES AND BOOKS I WROTE. *LET'S SPEND TIME AND ENERGY IN STUDYING IT AND ENRICHING THE WORLD WITH IT. *I HAVE 3 PROJECTS FOR THIS CHATURMASYA. *ALL OVER THE WORLD, AT LEAST IN 100 COUNTRIES I WANT RATHOTSAVA TO HAPPEN - TAKING THE CHARIOT LIKE HOW WE USED TO DO IN INDIA - THE KODIKKANN RATHA YATRA. WITH THE RATHA, PARAMASHIVA WILL GO FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER. *WE HAD MANY RATHAS IN INDIA AND EVEN IN MALAYSIA. THE SAME WAY I WANT IN USA, CANADA, IN ALL THE COUNTRIES, WHERE THE SANGHA IS LARGE ENOUGH. *I THINK IN MORE THAN 100 COUNTRIES WE HAVE A SANGHA LARGE ENOUGH TO CONDUCT THE RATHA YATRA FROM GURU PURNIMA TO NAVARATRI. *AND FROM GURU PURNIMA TO NAVARATRI, I WANT IN ALL THE 100 COUNTRIES, ANNALAYAS TO BE OPEN TO PEOPLE, GIVE FREE FOOD WITH A LARGE LIBRARY. GIVE FREE FOOD. HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LARGE LIBRARY FOR PEOPLE TO COME AND READ AS THEY WANT. *ONE BOOK - MY BHAGAVAD GITA - WILL BE A GIFT. *THEY CANNOT TAKE ANY OTHER BOOK FROM THE LIBRARY. *THEY CAN EAT, TAKE PRASADA AS MUCH AS THEY WANT. *I WANT THIS PROJECT: ANNALAYA - FOOD FOR STOMACH AND JNANALAYA - FOOD FOR CONSCIOUSNESS. *START PRINTING BHAGAVAD GITA NOW ITSELF AND DISTRIBUTE TO ALL ASHRAMS ALL OVER THE WORLD. *PROCURE ALL THE FOOD NEEDED. *ALL KAILASA ASHRAMS SHOULD DO THIS ALL OVER THE WORLD - RATHA YATRA, ANNALAYA AND JNANALAYA. *IF YOU START SERVING OTHERS, EASILY YOU WILL GET OUT OF MANY OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERNS AND SUFFOCATIONS BECAUSE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERN IS ALWAYS CENTRED ON SELFISHNESS, VIOLENCE, ARROGANCE. *IF YOU START SERVING OTHERS, EVERYTHING WILL BECOME ALRIGHT! RATHA YATRA. EVEN IN RATHA YATRA WE CAN DO ANNADANA AND DISTRIBUTE BHAGAVAD GITA IN ALL ASHRAMS, OPENING LIBRARY AND ANNALAYA FREELY. *THIS IS A SPECIAL INSTRUCTION FOR LOS ANGELES TEMPLE. *IF YOU WANT PARAMASHIVA TO MANIFEST INTENSELY IN THAT TEMPLE, START THESE 2 PROJECTS IN THE TEMPLE: FREE ANNALAYA AND JNANALAYA AND DISTRIBUTE BHAGAVAD GITA TO THE PEOPLE WHO COME TO THE TEMPLE - WHATEVER FOOD THEY WANT TO CARRY, LET THEM CARRY ALSO. *WEALTH AND ALL THE BEST THINGS WILL BE SHOWERED ON YOU GUYS AND PARAMASHIVA WILL MANIFEST MORE ALSO. NOW IT IS UP TO YOU GUYS. *THE THIRD PROJECT IS ONE OF THE BEST SPIRITUAL PRACTICES: MADHUKARI BHIKSHA. *GO FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE, DOOR TO DOOR, AND COLLECT WHATEVER PEOPLE CAN CONTRIBUTE... JUST ONE HANDFUL OF RICE OR ONE DOLLAR... IT IS NOT JUST FUNDRAISING, THAT IS THE BEST WAY TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE. *BEGGING IS THE BEST WAY OF MOBILIZING THE SPIRITUAL MOVEMENT! *NOW I HAVE REVEALED THE SECRET! *BEGGING IS THE WAY I LED THIS WHOLE REVIVAL OF KAILASA. *IT IS THE MOST POWERFUL, BEST, NONVIOLENT METHODOLOGY FOR MOBILISING PEOPLE FOR REVOLUTION. *ADI SHANKARACHARYA AND BUDDHA USED IT. FROM TIME IMMEMORIAL HINDU SANYASIS HAVE USED IT. *IT IS GIVEN AS A LIFESTYLE TO SANYASIS NOT JUST TO COLLECT SOMETHING FROM PEOPLE. THAT IS THE WAY YOU WILL REACH OUT TO PEOPLE. *WHOEVER LISTENS TO ME, UNDERSTAND THIS: IT IS THE MOST POWERFUL STRATEGY FOR A SPIRITUAL REVOLUTION. *GO AROUND FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE, COLLECT HANDFUL OF RICE OR ONE DOLLAR - WHATEVER THEY CAN GIVE... *IN THE INITIAL FEW DAYS YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND, BUT BY NAVARATRI, YOU WILL REALIZE WHAT I AM SAYING. *THIS IS THE BEST NONVIOLENT WAY TO MOBILIZE PEOPLE FOR SPIRITUAL REVOLUTION AND REVIVAL OF KAILASA. *WHATEVER MAY BE YOUR BACKGROUND, STATUS, EVERYDAY SPEND FEW HOURS FOR MADHUKARI BHIKSHA FOR KAILASA. YOU WILL SEE THE RESULT. *THAT IS THE WAY I STARTED. *PEOPLE WERE MOBILIZED USING MADHUKARI BHIKSHA AS A STRATEGY. *THE MOMENT PEOPLE SEE ME COMING FOR BHIKSHA, THEY KNOW I AM NOT HERE JUST FOR FOOD BECAUSE THEY KNOW, ‘EH THIS PERSON... DOES THE PERSON NEED FOOD?! YOU CAN SEE HOW SATISFIED AND FULFILLED HE IS, HE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A BEGGAR!’ *THEY KNOW I HAVE COME FOR SOME OTHER REASON. THEY GET CURIOUS AND ENQUIRE ABOUT ME, ‘WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU HERE?’ AND THEN THEY GET CONNECTED WHEN I EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. THEN THEY JOIN ME! *THAT IS THE WAY THIS WHOLE REVIVAL OF KAILASA HAPPENED. *I CAN TELL WITH ALL PRIDE, ‘ஏய் நாங்க பிச்சை எடுக்காத ரோடே இல்லை நாடே இல்லடா.... நாங்க பிச்சை எடுக்காத ரோடு இல்ல... நாங்க பிச்சை எடுக்காத நாடே இல்லடா உலகத்துல... நாங்க பிச்சை எடுத்து பச்சடி பண்ணுனவங்க இல்ல....கிச்சடி பண்ணுனவங்க இல்லடா... பிச்சை எடுக்கிறதுல ‘பி.எச்டி’ பண்ணுனவங்கடா…’ *THAT IS THE MOST NONVIOLENT WAY, I MOBILIZED PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FOR THIS GREAT SPIRITUAL REVIVAL, REVOLUTION - KAILASA. *YOU SHOULD CARRY BHAGAVAD GITA BOOKS WITH YOU. *IF YOU DIRECTLY GIVE, THEY DON’T WANT TO LISTEN. THEY THINK YOU ARE HERE WITH SOME CUNNING STRATEGY. *WHEN YOU WANT TO GIVE, NOBODY OPENS THEMSELVES UP. BUT IF YOU ASK SOMETHING FROM THEM, THEY FEEL SUPERIOR. *SO GO FOR BEGGING. WHEN THEY GIVE SOMETHING, GIFT THEM THIS BOOK. IT’S A PRASADA, THAT'S IT! *IF YOU BEG, YOU WILL OPEN MORE NUMBER OF PEOPLE’S HEARTS THAN IF YOU GIFT. *YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER LOOKED AT BEGGING FROM THIS ANGLE! *LET US PLAN FOR THESE 3 PROJECTS FOR THE COMING 41ST CHATURMASYA. *SO WITH THIS, THE ESSENCE OF TODAY'S SATSANG IS, BREAK FROM ALL OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONARY PATTERNS AND BEHAVIOURS AND STOP SUFFOCATING YOURSELF AND STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR SUFFOCATION AND STOP BLAMING OTHERS SAYING,THIS PERSON PUT THIS PATTERN ON ME... THAT PERSON TOLD ME TO BE LIKE THIS…’ STOP BLAMING OTHERS. *DVAITAVARJITA, I AM TELLING THIS FOR YOU ONLY. *YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS. BLAMING OTHERS WILL NOT SAVE YOURSELF! *I HAVE ALSO SEEN PEOPLE TELLING, ‘O, I TRIED MY BEST. I FEEL LIKE MY MIND WILL BREAK…!’ *IF YOU FEEL YOUR MIND WILL BREAK, THEN YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK! YOU SHOULD LOSE THE MIND, THAT IS THE WAY ENLIGHTENMENT HAPPENS! *I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE TELLING, ‘I HAVE TRIED MY BEST. I FEEL LIKE I WILL LOSE MY MIND.’ *YOU SHOULD LOSE YOUR MIND. THAT IS THE WAY ENLIGHTENMENT HAPPENS! *ENLIGHTENMENT IS THE STATE BEYOND MIND. *THERE IS NOTHING CALLED ‘TRYING YOUR BEST’. SIMPLY DOING IT IS THE BEST. *NOTHING ELSE CAN BE CALLED AS BEST. *’I TRIED MY BEST’ IS THE CUNNING WAY OF CHEATING YOURSELF. *WITH THIS I BLESS YOU ALL. *LET US ALL RADIATE WITH INTEGRITY, AUTHENTICITY, RESPONSIBILITY AND ENRICHING, CAUSING, LIVING PARAMADVAITAM, SHUDDHADVAITA SHAIVAM, THE STATE, SPACE, POWERS, BEING, SUPERCONSCIOUSNESS AND KAILASA OF PARAMASHIVA. *PARAMASHIVOHAM. OM NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVOHAM. THE ETERNAL BLISS. NITHYANANDA. THANK YOU. BE BLISSFUL.

from KAILASA's SPH JGM Nithyananda Paramashivam - Posts | Facebook https://ift.tt/3uilDhw

[thechembow]

Major Changes in Our Lives, Humans Need to be Together Now!

Aug 10, 2020

OR clouds this afternoon

I am back from my July hiatus, which happens organically each year. July is a lull in weather warfare here in Southern California because we’re still far from the rainy season. In addition to the usual lull, the parasites are so debilitated by orgone energy right now, they can’t even fly through. There have been almost no planes this summer, and when there are, they are silent and have no trail or a failing trail. This year we were moving to a new home base so my energy was occupied with the transition, which was beyond the third dimension so it was the hardest move of our lives. More on that later. Now I can once again opine and also present facts, evidence and proof. We all know on some level that world as we know it is ending. Even the most indoctrinated matrix slaves know things aren’t right, even if that’s only because they have strong delusions and believe a lie. We don’t need to talk about that big lie anymore. It’s obvious and too stupid to dignify. It is also a cover for a computer virus affecting the AI and putting them out of commission, a computer virus caused by increasing orgone energy on Earth and reclaiming the mind, one human at a time.

The AI is losing its grip on humanity’s consciousness, so it is taking drastic measures to keep its hold on this world. They have thrown persistent gradualism out the window and are clamping down harshly on all of humanity, restricting people’s movement, making humans cover their faces to be around other humans as well as keeping an unnatural distance, and forcing humans to give up their enterprises and life-long work and ambition, making hard-working people poor and dependent on them. Humans can’t conduct any business they are still even allowed to conduct without wearing a mask. This is a satanic ritual, to hide one’s face from God, leading up to the Mark of the Beast (which has already been done in the mind, but the physical mark comes next).

When you can’t see the facial expression of another human, verbal communication loses a subtle but important element. Think about how you may react to a text message taken out of context because you can’t hear vocal inflection. You may get angry at something innocuous because a necessary element of communication was missing. Now think about how hard it is to make a simple question come across to a hardware store employee with a mask on. You may end up in plumbing when you wanted a mixing container for your resin (paint department, along with your mixing sticks). A major element of communication regarding emotion and the etheric is also taken away by covering the face.

The parasitic obsession with our distancing from each other physically follows the same energetic model as “distance is your friend,” does in regard to energies dangerous to us. Lloyd Burrell of Electricsense.com, a website to help people with EMF sensitivity, explained how distance is your friend with EMF and how the most important thing is to avoid it. Keeping it out of the house altogether is best. He doesn’t advocate “gadget” fixes for EMF because he thinks it should be removed from our lives completely (so do I). He doesn’t endorse orgonite for this reason, but I do because if you do the hard work of ridding yourself of EMF and others are using it, the orgonite is a great way to make your home even quieter energetically, aid in sleep and good health, and increase consciousness. Even with distance from your neighbor’s wifi, it’s still great to neutralize it. There is a lot of benefit to be gained by increasing OR. It’s not just about decreasing DOR, which is of course the most important first step. You can’t use orgonite as a band-aid, but in conjunction with eliminating deadly energy, it really changes the whole dynamic of your house and even your neighborhood. If you take this concept and invert it, you can see why the parasites may want to keep us away from each other to avoid energy deadly to them! We are strong OR generators, especially when we’re together.

For the parasites, distance from life-giving orgone energy is their friend. Orgone energy is death to them because they are inverted. They purposely have created a world of deadly energy out of a planet that is a natural OR generator. The OR is still there functioning in the minerals of the Earth, mountain peaks, oceans, and forests. It is also in us. When we are together, our energy increases and we help each other just by being together. Humans are naturally communal, and distancing takes away a vital part of our nature. When we feel depressed and scared because we’ve been isolated in our houses, listening to terrifying news about more freedoms lost (or for the believers in the lie, a horrible disease which could kill them), our OR becomes contracted. This makes us more susceptible to disease and depression because our bodies and minds are weak. This is the state that the parasites need humans in so they can feed. They suck off of the negative emotions as sustenance. They keep us away from each other by mind control, programming delusions into the mind, so that we feel even more depressed and isolated. We need each other’s support now more than ever and we have been convinced that we are not to be together.

When humans are together, it not only satisfies a social need, but it also conducts orgone energy and connects people more strongly through the psychic web which connects us all. The parasites have us connected through an electromagnetic web, but this is not our true nature. This is simply a way for them to control us, mind and body, and to keep tabs on all of our business. In reality, we can already communicate over distances without the aid of a telephone or computer. This etheric ability is suppressed through frequency control and mind control, but now they have also added the distance between us. Distance between us is also their friend. Together, our energetic fields comingle and we can sometimes even communicate without words, even if just through a facial expression. Body language also speaks volumes. Together, we feel safer and connected, so that we know we have support during this very frightening time. Separated and masked, we are afraid to even engage another human, lest they recoil in fear of our germs. We always assume everyone believes the lie because they are masked. But we are all masked so we can buy food. What a state to live in.

Our new home is far from the madness of “civilization.” We have gotten more off the grid and are trading labor for housing. We are still making orgonite and teaching, I am working on writing and plan to release another book, and we are taking care of animals and learning how to work the land. We have a place to grow food now and have reduced dependency on the dollar drastically. We feel like God is looking out for us. We have gifted great amounts of orgonite and as I was planning the summer gifting trips, we were suddenly sequestered in our new life, given by God, because who else could come up with this? It is a dream come true to get back to the land and what’s real. We also have felt very unsafe in this increasingly hostile world. Now is a great time for everyone to make and gift orgonite locally where they live, since travel has become unsafe and sometimes even impossible. There are thugs with guns and badges swarming everywhere now to generate income for the state and bring more misery to the humans, thus food for the parasites. It is time to stay near our homes and really look inside ourselves. We can’t continue in the world the way we were.

The sky is ours, so it’s time to work on cleaning up the deeper levels of parasitic infestation on Earth. If you have not yet reclaimed your sky, it’s time to do so. It is easy with orgonite. The hard part will be disconnecting from the parasitic network, which will suppress your sky-cleaning abilities and other etheric gifts. Most people are tied to this artificial network, mind, body and spirit. It is the symbiotic relationship that has to be broken, and this is painful to both parties. In this case, the parasite needs us to feed, and we have come to need them for our basic needs, like utilities and a means to trade, and now also for the energetic tether that we’ve become accustomed to. Humans have forgotten how to think for themselves and the tracker thinks for them. It creates the thoughts the parasite needs, and right now that is fear. Everyone is scared. Orgone energy is the energy of life, love, and creation. It is the energy of God, which needs to be increased to combat the energy of satan, which is death, fear, and destruction. Now that we have reclaimed the sky and weather, it’s time to destroy evil and eradicate the parasites completely. We are well underway, as can be seen by their struggles in the sky. We have to keep increasing OR and we need to say no once and for all. The breaking point will come and there will be no return, whether you are absorbed into the collective AI or you resist. Once you leave the matrix you can’t return.

[goodnightoreo]

Dealing with Death

—————⌃⌄—————⌃⌄—————^————

It all happened too fast. 7 days ago, you got on my table meowing at me while I was giving a lecture so I had a good reason to introduce you to my class. 6 days ago, you apparently stayed the whole night in my room making me worried that you might have peed on my chair. 5 days ago, you were play-fighting with Dio running around the sala knocking things over. 4 days ago, you suddenly felt ill. We brought you to the vet. Your kidneys were acting up. No, it was too soon I thought. Doc prescribed you meds and told me to force feed you if needed. 3 days ago, I was frustrated. You didn’t wanna eat or take any of the meds. I still tried. I didn’t want to imagine where I had to start moving on without my pandemic buddy. 2 days ago, we had to get you confined. We were all hopeful. Our house help would share stories about her friend’s cat who went through the same situation. Her cat survived. 1 day ago, yesterday, you were fighting your way through. Doc texted saying you were “responsive” but still wouldn’t eat. Stubborn Oreo. Dio’s waiting for you at home. How are we gonna bring you back? But today, you left. 

I was never good at dealing with death; never really had the chance to experience it first-hand. Sure, I had friends who left early (may they rest in peace), but it was never this close to home.  This definitely applies even metaphorically when it comes to things in general. When a gadget I own, mostly laptops and cellphones, is about to get broken, I almost automatically try to look for a replacement just in case. When it does die, I’d try my best to fix it spending hours on YouTube tutorials messing with the screws and wiring. More often than not they don’t get fixed. I’d then spend my next few hours planning on how to get a new one in the quickest time possible so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of losing a valuable thing. When I lose a relationship, whether a romantic or friendly one, I subconsciously look for other people to hang out with. If the relationship fails, at least I know who to fall back to. When I was about to lose my scholarship, I sought out online jobs. I eventually did lose my scholarship but I was able to numb down the pain by getting a writing job. At least then, I knew how to deal with it. 

I always had a plan for when things fall apart. Resiliency wasn’t an option I could opt out of. It was the only choice I had growing up. There was no safety net.

There was no time to slow down, no time to break down, no time to understand the pain. I just needed to get through to the next day. But what happens when there is no next day? What happens when the pain catches up? What happens when death flattens the line?

Dealing with death is one thing but knowing that I was potentially about to deal with death is twice the pain. At least with the former, I could do nothing more but to move on and let it all go. With the latter, everything is up in the air and anything can happen as long as there was still hope. This past week, I needed to deal with both. 

———————⌃⌄————————⌃———————

The whole time I looked after you keeping you in my room, I was grasping at straws calling out to God asking Him to let you stay longer. I had spent hours researching about Chronic Kidney Disease studying the different stages trying to diagnose you myself. I would’ve concluded that you were in stage 3. Medical licenses be damned. I just needed something to cling on to. Studies show that cats would have at least 2 years left at stage 3; 5 years if we’re lucky. “Great,” I thought, “I’d have time to prepare.” I pushed my luck and forced myself to look for signs that maybe you’re still in stage 2 because by then you’d still have 7 years more. At some points, I’d even have random Google searches about how to become a veterinarian myself. I just needed to buy you more time.

While I buried myself vainly in research, you would let out these soft meows. It kept me hoping that you were showing signs of life! But this creeping thought at the back of my head knows those were meows of pain. You were suffering. I know you don’t meow that way. I didn’t want to accept it, but subconsciously I listened intently to every meow you made because I knew those could’ve been your last meows. And it was. Painfully, it was. It burns all the more on the inside knowing that these were my last memories of you. 

We were supposed to visit you today, but you left too soon. We were just a little too late. I would’ve wanted to at least be with you until your final breaths and maybe see your ears flicker one last time as I try to bite it. I wanted to bring you home and wait for you to scratch on my door wanting to get in. I’d get annoyed at you but ultimately succumb anyway. You’d meow just seconds later wanting to get out. I’d get annoyed again but I open the door for you anyway. How poetic it is to even remember that at times you’d leave my room right after Doors by Ben&Ben plays on Discord with DTT; a song we’d play when we’re about to leave. It was an everyday routine between you and me. And honestly, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Just one thing though, you haven’t queued Doors yet, Oreo.

You were buried in a cemetery for pets somewhere along EDSA today. I couldn’t come with. Somehow, I’d still like to cling on just a little bit longer to the delusion that you’re still here. You got me through literally all of my downs and breaking points this pandemic, and sadly the pandemic isn’t over yet. I’ll visit soon. Maybe when the pandemic’s over.

It’s just that right now, I’m not ready for you to leave. Nobody is. It just all happened too fast. Was there something we could’ve done 7 days ago? What could’ve gone wrong 6 days ago? Who would’ve known 5 days ago? Maybe 4 days ago? 3? 2..? 1... Today.  —————————————————————————— You made the people in this condo realize many things. Tito and Tita especially who at first didn’t want to have cats in the condo but ended up supporting you all the way through. I’ll most likely write more about that soon. Until then, I’ll just have to undo the habits I got used to: to look back behind my seat while I work expecting to see you lying down there, to look up on my cabinet to find your ears peeking out as you sleep, to bring you home from the other condo because you’d disturb the people sleeping, to be surprised that you snuck in my room while I went out, to see you on top of the boxes in the sala curled up sleeping, to find you in the narrow space under the couch hiding from bath time, to see you running straight to the door as you see me going out of my room thinking I’d bring you out, to — well, the list goes on. 

Goodnight, Oreo. May your chubby cheeks be pinched up there. Thank you for the 2 years 6 months and 12 days (and counting). You were a great (chubby) catto.

[end-of-pizza]

Weird anime night ~Please teacher

Okay guys, I know I’ve been out of this whole anime discussing thing for a bit. Been in my own little world of building gundam models, watching ASMR videos and doing my tech support job, also got into buying stocks….the quarantine has been weird. I haven’t really left the house save to go to meijers to get groceries for 4 months now……kinda starting to lose touch with reality. To try and ground myself I have been revisiting things from when I was a teenager, rewatching old tv shows, reading old books….started with gundam 08th ms team, and Red Mars, and lo and behold I fell back in love with my old flame…ROMANCE ANIMES

long time readers of weird anime night will know that this is a thing that happens to me off and on. Highschool romance shows just vibe with me in a real way, I have been dating the same girl since I was 13, and I am 29 now, and we live together, so learning how to love while learning what love is, and learning about girls while also learning how to love one girl, man romance anime have that shit in spades….and it makes me feel really nostalgic, for things like first kisses, sneaking out after hours, being nervous with someone you will later be intimate with. I love it man, that shit DOES. IT. FOR. ME

so while revisiting my favorite romance anime of all time, Suzuka, I remembered about one I hadn’t watched since 2006, Please Teacher.

AND DUDES

THIS SHOWS FUCKING WEIRD

I remember it being pretty run of the mill, comedy romance story about a kid who bangs his teacher…..and like, yea on the surface that is what it is, but like…..spesh if you incorporate the second season into it, its sort of about ALL love….even some kinda eh….troubling kinds of love, like in season 2 a dude straight up wants to plow is like……kid sister, and that is…..well fucking disgusting, I know its like a THING in japan to want to bone your parents and siblings, because well……some sort of mass mental delusions or something…..but like, its there….its gross as fuck but its there….

The rest of the show is fun though, still pretty problematic, I guess it was less gross to me when I was 16, but as a 29 year old….yea a teacher wanting to bone her 15 year old student is pretty gosh darn awful......I mean she’s also like...an Alien.....but he’s still 15 years old and she is a dang adult

heres the wiki plot summary of season 1, warning spoilers ahead.

Please Teacher! is a story mainly revolving around a tight-knit group of friends in high school and how they cope with several life-changing events that are never too far off from intimate relationships. The main character is a boy named Kei Kusanagi who suffers from a very rare disease which causes a comatose state referred to as a "standstill" whenever he is under severe emotional distress.

Before the beginning of the story, Kei, at 15 years of age, had fallen into a "standstill" lasting three years after witnessing the suicide of his elder sister. After recovering, he quietly moved away from home in order to avoid social difficulty due to his long absence, and began living with his uncle, a medical doctor, and aunt. Due to the strange nature of how he came to live there, Kei wanted to keep the situation a secret from his new friends for fear of being ostracized as being too old to associate with them. After Kei had established himself in his new surroundings and had entered into a close group of mutually supportive friends, a Galactic Federation starship had entered Earth's atmosphere stealthily, approached Honshū Island and landed surreptitiously in Lake Kizaki.

The story begins with Kei suffering a minor 'standstill' while in the vicinity of the lake, witnessing several unexplainable phenomena happening there, and then watching as a beautiful half-human alien named Mizuho Kazami materialize beside the shore. Kazami was sent to observe planet Earth by a seemingly benevolent Galactic Federation in order to prevent humans from making developmental mistakes. Kei, upon observing the materialization, attempts to escape the pursuing Kazami. Kazami is under strict orders to prevent her true identity and mission from being discovered. During his attempt to escape, Kei falls into the lake. Kazami rescues Kei and, using information from his identification, is able to return him home in secret. The next day, Kazami has become Kei's new homeroom teacher and next-door neighbor.

During assisting her in moving in, Kei suffers another standstill, and while in a weakened state explains his predicament to the compassionate Mizuho, who ends up revealing her own origins and purpose on Earth. Several accidental activations of Mizuho's teleport technology (which were inadvertently caused by Kei) eventually place Kei and Mizuho in a couple of compromising situations in front of his uncle and aunt and his school's headmaster, but Kei protects Mizuho from charges for an inappropriate relationship between student and teacher by impulsively stating that they are married, resulting in an actual civil marriage that later blossoms into genuine affection for each other. The headmaster relents, partly because he, too, had married a former student younger than himself and can understand their situation personally. Both are allowed to stay so long as they do not reveal their status to the other students, and do not engage in any public displays of affection.

 The remainder of the series concerns the budding intimate relationships between the close friends, one of whom (Koishi Herikawa) is romantically interested in Kei, and another (Ichigo Morino) who has suffered even greater loss of time from the same disease as he has; the problems of having to maintain the secrecy of the marriage; an interfering parent and sibling visiting from the Galaxy Federation; and Kei learning to overcome the ever-present threat of another lengthy 'standstill' stealing more of his life, particularly as he has fallen deeply in love with Mizuho and desperately wants to remain with her.

Eventually Kei falls into another major "standstill" and in order to bring him out of it, Mizuho has to use her technology which is against the law. As a result, her status on Earth is revoked, she is banned from the planet and all memory of her is erased from everyone's, including Kei's, minds. With the help of her mother and sister she sneaks back and is devastated to learn that Kei, who she is deeply in love with, has no memory of her. While helping her move back in, Kei reveals that his memory has returned and the two express their love for each other and get married again.

 I am rewatching it, its nostalgic, not as nostalgic as Suzuka or School Rumble, which are my number 1 and also number 1 favorite romance anime. But it’s also not as problematic as like, Rumbling Hearts or School days.

I am happy to have this tumblr back in my life, it’s helping with the depression, I think that’s why I started it in the first place….the American Education System was surprisingly good at both causing depression and training me to help people cope with depression.

I love you guys, I will start doing one of these every week, and I really am thinking about doing a sort of short podcast on all the series I have done thus far, like a 30 minute episode or so discussing the stories, rating them etc. I really like the idea of doing a podcast, just takes a long time to make em, I’ve been trying to do a D20 or Cyberpunk real play podcast for like 2 years now, and still just in the editing process of it.

blah blah blah, TLDR

this shows weird, fun and heart warming at times, but it is about a teacher who fucks her student, and like YES she is half alien.....but…..she is also a pedophile, that didn’t really stick with me when I was 16, but it does now….so it is harder to watch then I remember.

6.5/10

~Hoover ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

please teacher update

maybe I wasnt watching the show closely enough but I guess he isnt 15? I got the impression he was like early highschool, but watched some more tonight and I guess hes 18 during the course of the show.....so she isnt a pedophile, but she is boning her student, and she is a space alien so there are still some not good implications there power dynamics wise.....but lets just say maybe I was too hard on Please Teacher 7.5/10

[pinkatchristmas]

*tw* theories on psychosis, trauma, and the disrupted assumptive world

Psychosis: a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. (Oxford Dictionary)

From around November 2018 to June 2019 I experienced what psychologists call “psychosis”, a symptom of a plethora of disorders that often goes untreated if it cannot be healed through medication. This was a significantly horrible period of my life that I rarely discuss with anyone or disclose to anyone that I had, due to the immense stigma in our society surrounding it.

Psychosis is, at it’s core, a divergence from reality, cultivated by the mind in a manner that is abrupt, disgusting, and inevitable to those who suffer from it. While some people have general schizophrenia, and possibly experience psychosis on a daily basis, and while I did for almost a year, I can’t really explain what it’s like without considering some theories I have regarding what might cause it.

Immense emotional stress

Genetics

Trauma that cannot be reconciled by the mind in accordance with the sufferer’s assumptive world

I believe that all three of these factors are what results in one losing their mind. For me, I had always had rather delusional thoughts throughout my childhood, which I had initially believed were the result of a reaction to a deeply spiritual upbringing and a love of fiction writing. I didn’t recognize these thought patterns as particularly disruptive or even noticeable until after my diagnosis, though there are still things about my old ways of thinking that frankly kind of disturb me. For example, I still have ideations about happenstance occurrences which lead me to believe that certain things will happen. To a certain extent, I’m aware that this type of thinking is sometimes affiliated with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which I’m sure is linked to other disorders which include patterns of delusional thinking. However, there is a difference between believing that someone will text you back if you see a “sign” and genuinely believing you are in contact with celebrities.

The most bemusing thing about my dip from reality was the fact that I was at least intellectually aware of a possibility that my thoughts were delusional. This had never happened to me before, when to a certain extent, my thinking lifestyle prior to having psychosis was mostly delusional “for fun”. I believed in magic, and signs from the universe, and tarot cards, and astrology and all that bullshit. Now, I’m not sure what I believe in other than luck and the flow of energy between people being a tangible force (which I may discuss in a separate post). However, when I was sick with what most people would call schizophrenia I was intellectually questioning why I was having such monumental life experiences with no justification in the context of “reality”. I think that if you aren’t medicated it isn’t fully possible to overcome a force of delusional thinking so powerful you are incapable of comprehending your own brain’s motivation for surviving in society.

This leads me to a further line of thinking that correlates with the idea that psychosis may or may not be a survival tactic taken upon by the brain to protect one from a trauma response so powerful it could lead to suicidal ideation.

There are many different ways psychosis manifests and it appears in the context of many different diseases. My diagnosis was altered many times: Bipolar II with delusional thoughts, and then later Bipolar II schizoaffective type, and then later schizoaffective disorder; I’m aware that I’m Bipolar, and definitely recognize my symptoms in accordance with a traditional social awareness of the disease. However, after meeting many people with the schizophrenia diagnosis in mental health facilities I attended in order to be cured, I learned that some people just have psychosis all the fucking time. This leads me to believe that the brain is not necessarily in accordance with society’s chosen narrative regarding what leads humans to think in trajectories towards success, survival, sexual gratification, and pleasure. If we believe that our brains are only meant to exist in one format, or, if we are taught that the brain’s neurons only fire for certain reasons, that is how we will continue to lead our lives.

What I’m trying to communicate is that in the basic education I’ve received about my own brain had always led me to believe that I, personally, and everyone around me would always aspire to make the “right” or most fulfilling choice in the context of these set “needs” for the brain. What gives us satisfaction and pleasure in a psychological context may actually be, just what we’re taught gives us those things. While this may not fully matter in a hedonistic, capitalist society which is now falling apart before our eyes, I think we commonly disregard the fact that discipline can be rewarding just as much as a bout of instant gratification. This dialectic leads me to my next point, which I think can only be justified by the fact that I experienced psychosis.

If the brain is taught to pursue certain goals from an early stage of development, it will likely continue to seek out these prizes from birth until death. From here I will give a brief timeline of the experiences I had while being psychotic. Firstly, it’s notable that I’m almost certain the thing that caused by break was in accordance with the theory that a trauma is caused by the disruption of one’s assumptive world. I have never heard anything more accurate in the context of my own experience. I think that our assumptions about the way we are supposed to both live our lives and pursue “goals”, which are really just achievable narratives applied to our interpersonal experiences on a broader scale in society than we maybe comprehend, is toxic and, due to the fact that it is the foundation upon which our capitalist worldview is based, an inevitable lifestyle for almost everyone. For example, I will display the narrative of my psychosis as a psychological example to support this hypothesis.

From a young age, probably since birth, I have had an incredibly deep-seated belief that I was a very beautiful woman and that society would fundamentally reward for this. While this is obviously an incredibly subjective world view to take, it was comfortable and the belief itself was supportive enough for my self-esteem that it became what some might call a core belief. A horrible core belief, but one nonetheless. When I entered into a relationship that was casual but ultimately incredibly meaningful to me at the time when I was nineteen, my toxic core belief about my appearance led me to believe all kinds of stupid stuff you believe when you’re nineteen. Like, for example, if you’re extremely beautiful you can get any guy you want, including the one who will eventually leave you. When that happened to me, my incredibly shallow and unjustified and probably delusion belief that I was the most attractive person I knew led my assumptive world to being shattered. Of course, the experience of loving someone and having them not only leave you, but choose to be with someone else, is incredibly painful. I think this experience would be the same for everyone. Or, uniquely horrible and similar for everyone.

Either way, that trauma is likely what caused my psychotic break. Not because of the pain of the heartbreak, or the randomness of the event (which it was), or the severing of an important relationship, but because I had had such a devolved and view on the world and had been so sheltered to any other belief about my ability to sustain a romantic relationship that it led me to have to escape my own reality.

Other traumas coincided with this one. Shortly after the said relationship ended, I was sexually assaulted, which also led to a disruption of my assumptive world. I guess the only assumption I had in that regard was that I would never have to experience something that violent in my lifetime. To compare one’s traumatic experiences is really not a fun nor fruitful endeavor, but I think when it comes to psychosis, the stronger your assumptive belief was, the harder your brain pushes against the new, contradictory belief that now has to replace the old one. So, what was I now supposed to believe? I wasn’t beautiful? I wasn’t attractive? I wasn’t worthy of love because of what I had to offer, which at the time I believe most importantly were my looks. That was the new belief. It couldn’t be reconciled. There were now all these possibilities that came with the rest of my life even though I was only nineteen that were terrifying. With both the breakup and the sexual assault, I now had two replacement beliefs that were standing in my way: being beautiful didn’t necessarily grant you a significant other, and it might make you more vulnerable to sexual violence. And that was a lot to take into consideration.

I didn’t only believe that I was beautiful; I generally considered myself to be smarter, funnier, and generally more interesting than the people I would find myself surrounded by. Did this make me an arrogant asshole? Maybe. I was also a teenager. Regardless, if my intelligence and intuition couldn’t prevent me from avoiding one incredibly painful life experience which was shortly followed by one that was literally life-threatening, maybe everything I’d thought about myself was false. What this has to do with psychosis is relevant, only because of the timeline in which I suffered my series of mental health ailments before the point I actually became delusional.

Psychosis is widely considered to be a hiccup in the evolutionary code, but I can’t attest to whether or not I actually believe this. I think that if you have beliefs that carry you throughout your life, and they are disrupted, this can be painful and traumatizing and lead to growth, (however that’s perceived by an individual in the context of our “goal-oriented” society), but if one has a predisposition to believe something about their life and then is forced to realize that there is no possibility of this belief actually coming into fruition, that’s a problem for the brain. I’m not talking about whether or not you thought Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were going to be together forever and then were traumatized by their separation. I’m talking about things that are so deeply engrained in your personhood, you weren’t even aware they were there. The phenomenon of an assumptive world being shattered by a dismantled belief leading to psychosis is one of my theories about why it occurs, though I don’t belief this can be applied to all cases.

Another theory I have about psychosis which can probably be considered pretty fundamental is that you have to have a predisposed mental health issue prior to developing delusional thoughts. I think delusions are an evolutionary tactic to prevent humans not only from the general pain of reality, but the immensely distressing fact that we are not even certain how or why we exist. Alternatively, what is the difference between a delusion and a belief? Are people who believe that Jesus Christ was a human being who was actually capable of walking on water, delusional? Objectively, in my opinion, this could be considered a delusion. The only reason it isn’t is because it is generally considered to be true by a majority of the population. What really makes a delusion is it’s specificity to your own personal thoughts and how your brain carries out fantasies, hopes in the context of the “goals” you’re supposed to be achieving, and the context in which you can no longer reconcile a specific belief with the reality you’re facing.

My delusional thoughts were largely centered around narratives regarding my self-worth. Mainly, they fulfilled the ultimately gratifying notion that I was the most attractive, interesting and beautiful woman in the world and that I deserved to go from being someone of complete obscurity to dating a celebrity, with no factual evidence that this was actually happening. The psychosis led me to believe that magic was real and that I could communicate with people through telepathy, alternate dimensions, past lives, and basically coordinated whatever train of thinking it would take for me to have a justified belief that I was dating a celebrity. This is 100% true. There were other times when I believed that celebrities were hoping to threaten my status as the girlfriend of an incredibly high-profile person, and wanted to kill me.

*TW*

This leads to another sector of my belief about psychosis that justifies the theory that it is an evolutionarily predisposed condition that is only executed in certain scenarios. For example, if you believe that you are no longer capable of living in a society where your beliefs can lead you to be a successful member of that society, you may want to kill yourself. This is a very grim analysis of a general thought pattern that people have every day, although when I had delusions some of them were literally that people I’d never met wanted to kill me, and that if I wasn’t killed first, I would have to kill myself. I know this isn’t an easy thing to discuss or read about. If evolution’s goal is to propel one forward in society by any means necessary, eradicating yourself from that template can be done through the loophole of delusions. I don’t know why the brain would be this cruel to itself, but I’m guessing if it’s already aware it can no longer be salvaged, maybe this is evolution’s last resort.

This absolutely leads to a debate regarding the nature of evolution and whether or not suicide is an evolutionary response to depression, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, or other mental health ailments a person may suffer from. If you are in enough pain to take your own life, maybe that’s an evolutionary response to ending that pain. Of course, this is an incredibly difficult topic to talk about, and please know that I do not take the subject of suicide lightly and do not like assessing it’s potential place in the context of evolution. I am simply pulling from my own experience with psychosis to observe whether or not psychosis as a whole is an evolutionary function that goes against the shattering of one’s assumptive beliefs about the world.

I have other theories about psychosis and will probably post more about my experience with it here, though those are all the things I can think of off the top of my head when it comes to the full experience of undergoing that psychological phenomenon. I’m happy to say that anti-psychotics do work and while I’m grateful to now be ultimately cured from my psychosis, it was a life experience that I do not look back on fondly. I guess I hope that if anyone reads this, that they might feel better about their own mental health and know that there are always resources available no matter what when it comes to seeking help. A part of me also hopes that someone else who had psychosis might stumble upon this post and try and get in touch with me about their experiences. At the end of the day, I’m just a mentally ill person who likes to knit.

[maverick-werewolf]

Random Werewolf Fact #44 - When Werewolves Went Rabid (Part 1)

So here’s a big big big topic for me - so big I’m breaking this into two parts (Part 2 will be posted next Wednesday!).

You’ve heard me tell you all about how werewolves were, in folklore, basically never considered the crazy, often brainless or borderline brainless, infectious, killing machines of frequently pure evil that they are in pop culture.

So since when were werewolves actually associated with insanity? Madness? Loss of control?

Let’s delve into it.

Firstly, something to understand is that a lot of people I’ve talked to, and a lot of students I’ve had, seem to think that people stopped believing in werewolves somewhere around the 1700s. That couldn’t be further from the truth. A belief in werewolves existed in many places around the world even well into the 1800s and some into the early 1900s, and some areas still believe in werewolves today.

However, those werewolf beliefs, more often than not, were not actually the “aah it’s an evil mad ravening beast, kill it!” things we get in pop culture today. During the early and mid Middle Ages, the Catholic Church started to have divides over exactly what werewolves were - but they were often still seen not as they are today.

Some stories portrayed them as good and Christian, some as a test put upon good people by God Himself, and others simply portrayed werewolves as ordinary people - being a werewolf didn’t matter at all - while still others portrayed them as noble knights, sages and healers, and some made werewolves into an allegory for how people can misunderstand and mistreat someone simply because they are different (and that, of course, is bad. The werewolf was sympathetic and wronged, and there was actually nothing bad about them being a werewolf). Wolves, as well, were portrayed similarly.

However, over the decades and centuries, as we cross into the Renaissance/Early Modern period, things begin to change. The Church ultimately decided that werewolves were malevolent creatures aligned with the Devil. They decided that werewolves could never be morally acceptable, and wolves were essentially tarred with the same brush.

All across Europe, and perhaps particularly in France, as governments and the Church both became more powerful, people were put on trial under accusations of witchcraft and werewolfery (which were not always, and in fact rarely were, the same thing!).

The idea of the werewolf came under great scrutiny and criticism. Scholars and scientists turned their interest to the supernatural, studying the would-be werewolves and attempting to justify mankind’s widespread belief in their existence while also passing judgment on the so-called werewolves of their time period, and calling “werewolves” things that were not in any way similar to the previous werewolf legends.

During this era began the connections between werewolves and madmen, as – despite the outstanding opinions and views of many individuals, and even some theologians – the Church and scholars alike ultimately found that the only reasonable explanation for the legend of the werewolf was insanity.

in the later Middle Ages during the sixteenth century, France practically became the seat of werewolf trials. As time passed, researchers began to declare that being a werewolf was a form of madness.

Specifically, the term “lycanthropy” came to be used as referring to a mental disease, particularly by those eager to disprove the idea that werewolves could ever be real, such as Sabine Baring-Gould: “It was not till the close of the Middle Ages that lycanthropy was recognized as a disease.”

Note the word “recognized.” This is not a person who wants to say that werewolves were never real, per se, or that these legends were stories with metaphor and myth. This is a person who wants to say that all werewolf stories were about madmen and were untrue - not in that werewolves aren’t real, but in that the werewolf and other storytellers in question were, in a phrase, “simply” “insane.”

And it should be noted that there is a difference between a scholarly approach to say that all werewolf legends are fascinating myths and looks into human culture, and simply dismissing them and the interesting things they have to say thanks to one’s strong desire to “prove” that all werewolf legends were just about “crazy people.” You’ll hear a lot more about this in Part 2.

However, the Church did not want to punish these madmen. It took pity on them. As Baring-Gould says in his recount of one “werewolf” (Jean Grenier)’s trial: “that Lycanthropy … [is] mere hallucination … and that the change of shape existed only in the disorganized brain of the insane, consequently it was not a crime which could be punished.”

The Church began to take in many they found who suffered from delusions of turning into a wolf or something similar. They were given food, shelter, clothing, and an education by monasteries and abbeys, and many often went on to lead good lives.

So, even at this point, werewolves were not seen truly as “evil” or beings of terrible waste and destruction. They were seen as unfortunate individuals who required care. The viewpoint, however, altered from one of fantastical tales of folklore and myth, to real-life accounts of people with hallucinations and mental issues, taken in by the Church.

Were there exceptions? Yes. But most of these came later. Even over the relatively small period of time when many werewolf legends became werewolf court trials instead, there was time enough during the Renaissance/Early Modern period for the viewpoint of these madmen to shift from lost soul with mental illness to killer madman.

Another important element of how werewolves came to be seen as manifestations of insanity stems from not just the Catholic Church. The Church was extremely divided in terms of werewolf legends, and in fact, often portrayed werewolves as good, especially in the Middle Ages, such as the Werewolves of Ossory ( - though they definitely transitioned into portraying them as evil and Satanic in later years, and they had an enormous influence on the “all evil” werewolves we get today. More on all that later!

So what’s this other important source? Scientific curiosity. People attempting to find rational and scientific reasons for a belief in werewolves warped perceptions of the folk tales and old myths, telling the religious courts that werewolves are a product of insanity rather than mere myth and metaphor (as if said courts needed anymore help demonizing them).

This does, of course, go hand in hand with a lot of other cases wherein belief in anything supernatural was rationally explained to be some kind of insanity or disease, but werewolves seemed to get it badly enough that now, in pop culture, these portrayals of them are almost inescapable.

So what’s all that about? When did all these insanity things actually take hold, and why are they still maintaining such hold today? More on that in part 2! Stay tuned.

In part 2, we’ll find out how exactly we ended up with the modern concept of the insane werewolf, the kind that loses control of themselves when they turn, and how exactly that stuck - and why, by and large, werewolf scholars themselves carry a lot of the blame.

(If you like my werewolf blog, be sure to check out my other stuff! And please consider supporting me on Patreon; every little bit helps!

Patreon --- YouTube --- Wulfgard --- Werewolf Fact Masterlist --- Twitter)

[questionsonislam]

What does ananiyyah (egoism/self-conceit) mean? Can ananiyyah be unbelief and shirk (polytheism)? If ananiyyah is bad, why has man been given the sense of self? What should our attitude be toward egoists?

Answer 1:

Ananiyyah (egoism/self-conceit) means a person’s thinking that the boons Allah granted him were obtained by himself through his own efforts and talents. That is, a person who has ananiyyah attributes the talents and boons he has to himself, not to Allah. He transforms the feeling of owning, which is metaphorical and relative, into reality and wants to own everything with egoism. He says my eye, my ear, my voice, my power, my mind, leading to egoism. That is, he starts to regard those boons as his own boons really. This is that state that is dangerous.

If a person knows and accepts that the boons and talents he has are grants of Allah to him and that the feeling of owning them is relative, it is permissible; it means to be aware of the boons given by Allah.

When man has ananiyyah, he feels conceited when he does something without thinking about divine power and says, “I did it.”

This age is the age of ananiyyah. “Aberrant people ride on egoism and proceed in the valleys of aberration.” They caress the ananiyyahs of one another and feel more and more conceited.

However, man becomes great when he gets rid of ananiyyah. The Quran states that all bad deeds originate from the soul. (see an-Nisa, 4/79) Human soul acts contrarily to this divine decree. When there is an achievement, he embraces it; when there is a failure, he attributes it to qadar.

Mature people “are great without ananiyyah”. They are great but they do not act conceitedly. They admit that all perfect things and beauties come from Allah and that all bad deeds originate from themselves.

A pay clerk who distributes salaries to officials has no right to feel conceited; likewise, a rich person who helps the poor has no right to feel conceited.

Man can get rid of an egocentric life only through lofty ideals. Ideals like “seeking the consent of Allah Almighty in all deeds, wanting belief to dominate all hearts, working so that one’s country will rise both materially and spiritually” save man from being the slave of egoism and obeying it by being under its command. Those who live by being deprived of such lofty ideals cannot get rid of leading an egocentric life.

Answer 2:

Ana (I) is a hypothetical and delusive feeling of egoism and ownership. That is, it is a feeling of ownership and accepting that does not really exist but that is regarded to be existent. For instance, man says my family, my house, my body and my organs. The word “my” in those examples is ana.

However, in terms of reality, the family, the house, the body and the organs of man do not belong to man. Allah is the real owner of them. Allah has given man this feeling of ownership so that he will understand His absolute names and attributes and will make comparisons. That is, the partial knowledge, partial power, partial will and partial feeling of ownership are like windows opened to a name and attribute of Allah. Man understands Allah’s names and attributes with that window. For instance, he says, “I am the owner of this small household. Allah is the owner of the whole universe. I built this house with my partial power and Allah built and created the house of the universe with His endless power. I know such and such things with my partial knowledge and Allah knows everything and is aware of everything with His endless knowledge.

After understanding this, he knows that what is given to him is the manifestations of Allah’s names and attributes, and ascribes them to Allah. Thus, man compares those partial and hypothetical things, and understands Allah's endless names and attributes. If it were not for this feeling of ownership, man would not be able to make comparison and to understand Allah’s endless attributes.

The aspect of the feeling of ana and egoism explained and described here is its positive and good aspect that develops man, opens the doors of knowledge to him and elevates him to endless ranks. When man uses this hypothetical feeling like this, he attains the basics and essence of slavery. Man’s spiritual aspect has been designed in a way that will know Allah’s names and attributes; what man needs to do is to act in accordance with this design.

The feeling of ana and egoism also has a negative and bad aspect. If the feeling of ana and egoism given to man greens and flourishes in the field of unbelief and denial, things happen contrarily. That is, the feeling of ana and egoism, which is a means of knowing Allah, is transformed into a means of denying and challenging Allah. The feeling of ana and egoism, which is a hypothetical and imaginary line, is transformed into a real and universal line through the window of denial and unbelief. Man starts to believe that the partial knowledge, will and power have not been given to him by Allah and that they are his own possessions. As denial and philosophy deepen, those feeling cease to be partial and become universal. Then, man goes too far as to say, “I am also a deity.”

That is ana and egoism is such a feeling that it makes man a valuable and great slave if it is used in a good way and it causes man to claim to be a deity if it is used in a bad way.

When an unbeliever looks at the universe with the glasses of unbelief, he cannot see Allah’s divinity and lordship and denies; either he says nature did it or he attributes divinity to a cause. Similarly, when the unbeliever looks at the feeling of ana and egoism, which is a micro universe, he cannot see that the feeling of ana and egoism is hypothetical and imaginary and that it has been given to man as a partial trust so that he will know and compare Allah’s absolute attributes; and he attributes reality and universality to those feelings. In a sense, it means to deify man.

Answer 3:

We can divide the disease of ana into four degrees in general:

The first degree of ana is the ananiyyah of a person toward his peers; it is a disease in the heart. It is the seed form of the tree of ana. If it is not crushed with oneness, worshipping, piety and dhikr, it will flourish and develop, finally assuming a form that will swallow man.

The second degree of ana is the ananiyyah of a person toward scholars and saints, which is a spiritual aberration but it is not unbelief. This ana is the process of being a young tree. The processes after that make man approach the line of unbelief. Many egoistic leaders that feel conceited with their souls are the products of this process like the imams of Mutazila.

The third degree of ana is the ananiyyah of a person toward prophets, which is unbelief. It is the form of the ana that was a seed and that started to become a tree. The ananiyyah of Abu Jahl toward the Prophet (pbuh) is an example of it.

The fourth degree of ana, that is, the worst degree, is the ananiyyah of a person toward Allah. The ananiyyah of Pharaoh is an example of it. In this stage, ana is in the form of a tree and has swallowed man; all of his organs have been transformed into ana. Man regards himself as a deity in this stage. He attributes divinity to everything.

Answer 4:

Man is weak and poor in nature. This endless weakness and poverty can be filled only with a power and richness; those attributes exist only in Allah. Then, man needs to give up the claim of egoism and conceit; he needs to take refuge in Allah with his weakness and poverty; he needs to take refuge in His endless power and richness, which is the essence and reality of worshipping.

Allah sent man to this world so that he will worship Him. He did not send man so that he would be egoistic and conceited and so that he would boast. Only through belief and worshipping can man understand that the reigns and control of everything are in the powerful hand of Allah and surrender to it with weakness. The other beliefs and ideologies cannot attain this consistency. On the contrary, those beliefs and ideologies transform man into an egoistic Pharaoh that is haughty and that has forgotten his weakness and poverty.

The most important equipment of man in approaching Allah and making Him pleased is the endless weakness and poverty in his nature. With this endless weakness, man builds a bridge toward the endless power and with his endless poverty, he establishes a connection with the endless richness. Then, the endless power and richness becomes a full remedy of man’s endless weakness and poverty. The helpless and weak state of a baby makes its parents servants for it; likewise, man attracts Allah’s endless power and richness to himself with his endless weakness and poverty; he becomes like a baby in His eye.

If man uses this channel of weakness and poverty instead of the claim of conceit and egoism, everything will be obedient to him.

Answer 5:

The light reflected in the mirror is not the property of the mirror, but the sun. The self of a person is like a mirror; the feelings like partial knowledge, will, power and ownership that appear in this self are the manifestations reflected from the names of Allah.

The soul is like the mirror but it regards itself as the doer and a powerful being; it challenges Allah without taking its abasement and lowliness into consideration. In that sense, man is ephemeral as if he does not exist.

When man is conscious that he is a slave and a mirror, he exists in the eye of Allah and has attained His consent; if man gives up being a slave and a mirror, and claims existence and freedom in the presence of Allah, he will be in non-existence and ephemerality. In other words, there is absence in existence, and existence in nonexistence. If man says, "I exist" with his self, he does not exist; if he says, "I do not exist" and knows that the boons and blessings on him are from Allah, not himself, it means he exists. Thus, he takes Allah’s endless names and attributes as support and help.

Answer 6:

Ananiyyah can exist in everybody and in every state. Ananiyyah is possible everywhere and in everything: in youth, art, science, worshipping, physics, property, authority, in wealth, etc. The reason why ananiyyah has been given to man is that it is a criterion and a measuring instrument to know Allah. Since ananiyyah has been given for this reason, it is not possible and appropriate to destroy it completely. However, it is channeled and can be directed according to the reason for its being given. Ananiyyah is stronger and more prominent in youth. It is very important to pay attention to the following issues in order to educate the people with ananiyyah and to be useful to them without breaking their hearts and offending them:

1. To be competent; that is, to know well what to give and how.

2. To try to educate the addressee sincerely.

3. To find the underlying causes of the wrong deeds and to discover the spiritual illness.

4. Not to hurry; to leave some things to time.

5. Not to make the mistake of telling everything that is true everywhere.

6. To approach the addressee with compliments and to show respect to him.

7. To give advice if it will not be harmful.

8. The most important of all is to serve as a model by practicing what we preach.

Since this age is an age when the soul is in the foreground and ananiyyah is dominant, it is necessary for those who serve the religion of Islam to be more careful. We need to approach our addressees compassionately and seek ways of saving them with wisdom. We can cause to change our addressees in a good way if we fulfill our duty properly as if we are worshipping.