#definitely interacting with health stuff also bc it’s like. I’m on hold for so much and not feeling like I can do much so I feel stuck and

[b-blushes]

feeling in a weird place atm, brought on by having to empty my wardrobes and storage and temporarily clear all the furniture out of my bedroom - I’m looking at all the things I’ve collected over all the years and thinking! Like! Does this represent me! Do I still want to display this!

A strange feeling, like I want to take almost everything down and put it into storage but also like I’m not sure what I want to replace it with, not sure how I really feel about it (do I just feel a little detached in general at the moment or is it truly that I’ve grown past the person I was when each thing came into my life), not sure

I’ve collected so much *stuff* that’s still precious to me and also things that I’m keeping because it would be expensive to replace them but also feeling like. I could get rid of so much of this. Should I. Would it hurt me later if this is just a temporary feeling :P

What I’m probably going to do is wait until my work on my room is done and then assess everything I’m bringing back in.

But strange and dramatic feeling like I’m not that person any more but I don’t feel like I have a concrete (as much as it’s possible to) vision of a new or different thing.

[royalbilliards]

i would LOVE to hear your opinion on maruki's therapy bc i see a lot of ppl saying he sucked as a therapist and i've never seen one so i can't really say anything with certainty...... but idk, i want joker to have at least an okay therapist just because it's a nice touch. also i think it's more satisfying narratively when maruki is someone joker can lean on for support and get attached to, but then has to oppose because shitty actualization. idk. pathetic wet man makes me go brrrrrr

Welcome to the autism zone.

So a lot of my thoughts on maruki’s therapy comes from my own experiences with a therapist in the past (I’m trying to get a new one right now) but. A lot of what Maruki’s ‘confidant perks’ and what they’re called suggest he’s giving Joker treatment for anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense given the way he acts in public outside of the joker persona, and the situation he’s in at Shujin (being bullied, for lack of a better term because it’s 5 am and I just woke up, and ostracised due to Kamoshida spilling his criminal record).

Practices like mindfulness and wakefulness sound like bullshit when you first have to start them, mostly because of the names, but the practices themselves are grounding techniques, being able to be present in your body, aware of your surroundings, and not letting yourself spiral via panic or depression and stuff. Detox is a term for drug addiction and alcoholism rehab, they’re not exactly practices we know Joker needs help with, but they’re most likely preventative measures, so that he doesn’t go Down those paths BECAUSE of his situation, which honestly makes sense, depression, anxiety, bullying from peers and the rest of it, including his criminal record and the way Japan treats students with criminal records, it makes sense that Joker could have easily gone down those routes if he didn’t have his friends and the metaverse to blow off steam and have an outlet for his emotions that he isn’t allowed to have in his day to day life. Flow is also a form of therapy treatment for handling depression, and mostly focus’ on capturing moments of positive mental states and allowing yourself to be completely focused and involved in Enjoyable activities that make you happy.

Because all of these therapy treatments that we get named from his confidant perks are Real therapy treatments that both Work and are widely used to treat specific mental health problems (Depression, Anxiety and Self-worth) we get both an insight into how Joker is actually feeling about things outside of what he shows and how useful these techniques are in his actual day to day life, because he’s using them to handle stressful situations in the metaverse.

There’s also the fact that Before everything, and AFTER everything, Joker doesn’t seem to hold much animosity towards Maruki, yes Akechi does and he’s Totally allowed to hate him, but neither Yoshizawa or Joker do, when Yoshizawa is more than justified in being angry and frustrated with him. And it might just be due to the abysmal lack of characterisation Yoshizawa gets, but mostly she seems like she too, like Joker, WANTS to help him, because we know that Maruki himself struggles with Self-worth problems, delusions of grandeur, a messiah complex (in both definitions of the term) anxiety and depression (along with a few other spicier things I don’t feel like mentioning because I’d need to bring up the psa’s on how demonised disorders need to be treated with respect since no one can do that on the internet). But there doesn’t seem to Be animosity between the three of them. Mostly just worry about someone they both cared about, and trusted.

There’s also the fact that, Jokers interactions with Maruki do not End After you help him with his research, we’re just cut off from the interaction at that point, because Joker in canon is explaining to Sae other more important things, he probably doesn’t feel the need to tell her the confidential therapy treatment he’s receiving at school. Their interaction continues, we get a fade to black, so it’s obvious he is getting actual therapy treatment, but Maruki has probably picked up on Jokers earth shattering savior complex and is easing him into the idea of therapeutic treatment by having him assist in his research, so Joker is more inclined to accept the help, since it’s a Transaction to Joker. If Maruki had more time to be Jokers therapist, and I assume he would have at some point Offered to continue his work as Jokers therapist after his tenure at Shujin ending, he would have eventually been able to work on that with Joker, and weaned him off Needing to help people all the time, and viewing social interactions as a transactional thing.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t think Maruki is a bad therapist outside of the horrors, I think people just don’t think about it because it isn’t spoon fed to them in a social link interaction, which is where the assumption that he’s Only using Joker as a sounding board comes from. But what would I know I just did media studies and have a special interest in analysing media, SHRUG

[ectonurites]

for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him, 

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺 

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious): 

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing): 

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it. 

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit) 

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having 

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious): 

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing): 

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

[ssixa]

Chance Encounter//Mark Tuan x Y/N

Description: Walking into the night shift at the hospital proves to keep you on your toes. Nights are left to the universe so you can only hope that tonight will be decent. What happens when you find out that one of your patients is THE Mark Tuan from GOT7? how do you try to deal with the chaos erupting from this chance encounter? and how many times do you have to tell yourself that you love your job?

Genre: fluff, slight cringe

Pairing: Black Fem ReaderxMark Tuan (though I will say there isn’t much description of black characteristics)

Word count: 2.4k

Warning: explicit language, slight nudity 

A/n: I forgot to add that this will be a whole chapter story so if you like the story so far, please look forward to future chapters. Though I would give a specific day I update, life is pretty busy rn, but it will most definitely be every week:) I’m really grateful to the response I’ve gotten off the first chapter bc we all know how hard it is to get any type of interaction on this platform lol. Anyways, please enjoy chapter 2!!

*All pic collages are made by me unless I state otherwise. Individual pictures in the collage are not mine and I give credit to where credit is due.

Chapter 2

Finally done with my rounds! I don’t know how I managed to finish in a decent time, but I guess having most of my patients be up ad lib (medical term: abbreviation from Latin term ‘as libitum’ meaning ‘at pleasure’ and ‘at one’s pleasure, as much as one wishes.’” (medicinenet.com) or to put it more simply, people who are independent or don’t need assistance) or not need anything made it a bit easier to finish. I look at my watch and see I have a bit of time to catch up on the rounding part of charting, before starting my 9pm roundings which just include checking up on my patients. I sit down at the computer and catch up on my charting. Luckily, I didn’t have any interruptions while finishing up so I happened to finish on time with that too. I decided to go ahead and start my roundings a little early.

I made my way from room to room to check on the patients, but I walked in and out of Mark’s room to switch on the sink so the water could get hot and also to see what extra stuff to bring for his bath. He gave me an odd look, but I explained and he just nodded. Yet again it seemed that none of my patients needed anything so I ended up finishing at a good time as well. I made my way to the clean utility and got fresh bed sheets, a gown, towels and washcloths, and a blue bag to put all the used materials and dirty linens. With my arms full, I made my way to Mark’s room. With a few deep breaths, I knock and make my way in. I greet Mark who seems to be on his phone with his earphones in. He looks up at me and smiles and I smile back politely as I throw the materials in the chair and check the water temperature. As I turn around to get gloved up, Mark grabs my attention,

“Hey once you’re done come here for a sec” he says nonchalantly. I looked at him confused, but decided he wanted to tell me something that he was nervous someone could walk by and hear it outside the door. So once I get my hands double gloved, I walk towards him. 

“What’s up? Did you need something” I question. 

“Here’s my phone” he pushes his phone out towards me. I look at him in confusion as he keeps his arm forward.

“Um~ Mr. Tuan, I don’t really know what you’re wanting me to do with your phone? Wait, do you know where you are? Can you tell me your name and birth date?” I question worriedly (a/n: though techs, but nurses, aren’t the ones to ask these questions, these types of questions are asked to patients to check if they are mentally confused). He just keeps laughing and unplugs his earphones while keeping his hand stretched out with his phone at the palm. 

“Since you’re SUCH a big fan of Got7 and more specifically JB, I thought you would want to watch some never revealed videos of him” he grins. 

“OMG REALLY?!? That would really be awesome! Are you sure I can look, I don’t want to be invading any privacy here” I said.

“Well I’m the one offering so it’s not invading anything, just thought you might be interested” he surmised.

“Oh well, don’t mind if I do” I laughed. I went for his phone and all I see is the screen full of JB just chilling in bed. I look at Mark and say I think this video is frozen…

“Oh it’s not frozen, try saying hi” Mark smirks. I looked at him in confusion. It wasn’t until I looked back at the screen that I realized something...this wasn’t a video…

“WAIT THIS ISN’T A VIDEO?!?!” I slightly scream in horror

“Hello y/n, it’s nice to meet you!” JB says from the phone in a tired yet interested voice. I thank the heavens that I’m black and also wearing a mask because I have the biggest grin on my face and I’m pretty sure I’m blushing crazily right now. Looking up at Mark with a glare he tries his hardest not to laugh too loudly, but it’s obvious with tears welling up in his eyes that he’s on the brink of no return.

“It’s so nice to meet you too! This is honestly surreal! I wouldn’t have imagined talking to you in these circumstances though” I say with awkward laughter. 

“Oh yes! Mark hyung told me that I’m your favorite in Got7 and in Kpop, is that true?” with slight shy laughter. Again, my eyes glare to Mark who at this point is as red as a tomato laughing silently with tears falling down his face. I look back at the phone and kept talking,

“He told you that huh? Well it’s true hehe. I was hoping that it would have been kept a secret, but I guess it’s a little too late now” I joke. JB laughs and all the sudden I’m not as mad at Mark for pulling this rude prank on me. To be honest, I wasn’t even mad from the beginning, how could I be! I am looking and talking to an idol I love, who’s barefaced, hair in a bun, laying in bed with a sleepy look. How could I be mad at that?!I’m living the “y/n” life right now!

“Well it’s good to know that my hyung is being taken care of by someone as pretty as you. What are you planning on doing with hyung by the way?” he asks curiously. I’m taken aback by the sudden question, but come to realize that my stupid mind somehow decided to be in the gutter. Frazzled, I reply 

“Oh! I was just about to give him a bath because he’s not allowed to walk according to the doctor”

“uhhh...huh?...Marku…” he calls out to Mark. I realized that what I said probably didn’t make much sense to him so he asked for Mark to translate. My assumption was right when I heard Mark speak up in Korean and talked for a little while JB listened intently. I then heard an “ahhh~” from the phone meaning JB understood. Looking back at the phone, I can see JB’s eyes slightly shifting which makes me question what exactly Mark told him. Looking back at Mark, I ask

“Mr. Tuan, what exactly did you tell JB?” I say with gritted teeth

“Oh that you’re going to be seeing me naked in a few minutes” he smirked. Mark Tuan...I’m going to kill you. In a panic, I look to JB in shock

“I swear it’s not like that, well maybe a little, but I’m just giving him a bath!!” I frantically say. JB laughs jollily at my frantic state, but I feel like I heard him mutter something under his breath, but it was in Korean so I just kinda memorized it to search it up later. 

“I have to go now unfortunately, it was nice getting to talk to you JB” I say happily. He smiles back with a reply,

“It was nice getting to talk to you too, be sure to take care of our Markipoo” he said proudly. I started laughing a little harder than before, who knew they would have a cute nickname for Mark!

“IM JAEBUM I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!!” Mark says angrily. Before Mark can get any more words out, JB yells 

“Bye nice to meet you!” and I reply,

“Bye love you too!” and the call ended. Wait… did I just tell JB I loved him?!? FFFUUCCKKKKK HE’S GOING TO THINK I’M WEIRD NOW!! HOW THE HELL DO YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU JUST MET YOU LOVE THEM!!! HOPEFULLY HE JUST THINKS IT’S AN AMERICAN THING...BUT I’M NOT EVEN AMERICAN...BUT I WAS RAISED HERE...WAIT HE DOESN’T KNOW ANY OF THAT!!! Maybe he’ll just think of it as a fan to an idol “I love you” not a man to a woman. This shift is not ending fast enough, but I have to be back here tomorrow night too. Rip. 

Mark must have sensed my freak out because he mimics, 

“I love you too” with a kissy face. 

“Mr. Markipoo it would be wise of you not to mock the person working in the health profession, unless you want to make your hospital stay longer” I say through clenched teeth trying my best to hold my tongue. 

“DON’T CALL ME THAT! But ok ok, that was just too priceless. You just made my hospital stay a lot more entertaining” he said laughingly. 

“I’m glad you find enjoyment in my suffering” I say with a huff.

“Let’s just get started on the bath already because being in here I’m feeling more tortured” I say through a fake cry. 

I grabbed the basin, filled it up with the hot water, and grabbed the soap and threw the towels into the water. I discard the top covers onto the ground to be put in the blue bag later. I then relay to him that I would start taking the gown off and he gives me the go ahead. Before fully discarding of the gown he asks,

“Um y/n, do you mind just leaving the gown around more of my private area?” he asks shyly.

“Oh of course! Would you like it placed over your butt as well?” I reply.

“Oh, um, sure if you don’t mind”

I placed the gown around the area and got him to roll over a bit to shove the gown under his butt so when he eventually turned over he would be covered. There is a certain appropriateness that comes along with my job and at this point my head is desensitized to a lot of things, but this is Mark Tuan we’re talking about. These are the abs that he’s shown off so many times at concerts and on lives; the teasing way knowing the thousands of fans watching will never be able to touch them, but here I am. Remembering I’m on the job, I ask the typical question,    

“Would you like a hot towel to wash your face with? And do you want it with or without soap?” I ask.

“Sure and no soap please” he replied. I handed him the hot towel and proceeded with the comments. 

“Since your arms look like they work fine, I will let you wash your upper body while i get your legs, cool? Cool” I conclude myself. Mark just laughed and went along. I gave him another hot towel with soap and he proceeded to wash. 

“No staring no staring” I think to myself. I head for the legs and proceed to wash giving him direction to lift one and then the other. Who knew he had ticklish feet. We wash off the remaining soap and I grab towels so he can dry off. I tell him to turn his body so I can get his back. He does what I say and rolls to the side of the bed. I proceed to wash his back while with another wash cloth he has he cleans his private area. Same as before we rinse off and rolls again, but this time to face me. He was just staring at me until I realized he was washing his butt. I quickly turn around to give him some privacy (thank god for masks) and he pipes up, 

“Why’d you turn around?” with an obvious smirk in his voice.

“Just to give you some privacy hehe, it’s kinda weird making eye contact through this, but just tell me when you're done” I reply surprisingly well. 

“I’m done,” he replies. He finishes drying off and I let him hand me the used washcloths and towels to throw into the used pile of linens. I finished getting the old linens off and new linens on, got the new gown on and discarded the old gown as well. I dump the water out, set the basin aside, and toss the soap into the garbage. I gather the dirty linens into the blue bag, tie the bag up, and push it to sit outside the door. I head to the computer table and tap into his charts to document the bath he had just received. The room is silent and I just look over to see what he was up to. He’s just, staring...at me?

“W-what?” I ask slightly flustered.

“Nothing, just thankful that I just got an awesome bath from my pretty tech” he winked and yet again with that smirk. I think we have a few more vacant rooms in the unit. 

“Alright Mr. pretty boy, do you need me to get you anything? It’s about the next time for vitals.”I relay.

“Already? It feels like just a few moments ago you were here”

“Yeah~ that little stunt you pulled with the video call was mad disrespectful and took up a bit of our time.” I snark.

“Ah~ really? Why do you sound so angry, I thought you would be more excited about it, but you looked like you were ready to murder me” he laughs.

“As much appreciated as that call was, imagine talking to one of your favorite celebs out of blue. Anyone would be flustered at that. I’m just glad that my mask covers my face and I at least have eyebrows on” I laughed sighed. 

“Yeah, I see your point, but I bet you look perfectly fine even without the mask and eyebrows.” he remarks.

“Mr. Tuan I’m really going to need you to stop being such a flirt especially with stuff that isn’t true.” I joked, but meant it kinda. 

“Who said I was lying though?” he deadpanned at me. His expression really caught me off guard so I just kind of shook it off. 

“Um I’m just going to head out and I’ll be back in a little while” I say while exiting the door. Yet another deep breath and like clockwork the same nurse walks by,

“Funny running into you outside the same room, you don’t look ok, do you need any help with anything?” she asked caringly.

“Oh I’m fine, he’s an easy patient but giving baths can be tiresome even with the easiest patient.” I reply laughingly. Not that it’s a full lie though. Bed baths can take between 15 to almost 30 min depending on the patient. Especially bathing a patient by yourself, it’s a bit tiring. Then again, there is no way to explain the heart attack he gave me with the face time to JB that preceded the bath and the look he gave me when I left the room. I just know, he’s dangerous and I’m really going to have to be careful being around this man. Remember y/n, you love your job, you love your job...you love your job.

Previous/Next

[axe-trio-commanders]

~Magic Cats~

Ssso this has been sitting in drafts for too long, time to post it regardless because I want to talk about the different legions and magic because other people have been talking about cat lore and i have Many Thoughts and also no one on this site is capable of stopping me now.

A read more here because oh boy a suggestion of conversation topic somehow turned into an entire essay because I have absolutely no self-control whatsoever. (Might also be a Yahuk appreciation post at this point. Also, just a... general warning for a society failing its people and causing all sorts of insecurities and general mental un-health, mostly involving failure to conform to expectations. Also mention of death.)

Flame

So! First, Flame Legion. Clearly, they have a bit of an advantage at the moment because they never really lost magic? Even after the whole truce thing, they're still clearly using it, and best boi Efram seems intent on letting everyone learn it. It doesn't seem to be exclusively magic they're using, not quite- there's a half-decent bit of engineering in some of their weaponry, and they still compliment their smoke magic with knives. Granted, it's... definitely primarily fire magic. I'm not sure if that's jut more natural, or if, say, more water-based elementalists or mesmers just aren't allowed as much status (or encouragement) as those that can use fire.

Iron

Iron legion, as a very stark contrast, seems... very, very opposed to magic. I don't recall ever seeing an iron charr use magic. Create things to contain magic, yes- primarily ghosts- but use it? There's plenty of engineers, for... maybe obvious reasons, but I couldn't give you a clear example of an iron legion elementalist. (Feel absolutely free to prove me wrong by posting many pictures of iron legion elementalists, though.) Heck, it's Efram that suggests it, but adding a 'flame legion kick' to Iron's weapons being an entirely new idea seems a little... telling. Heck, it's not hard to imagine using magic to improve your weapons is seen as 'cheating', at best.

Drawing off the 'Iron Fist of the Legion' personal story, it's pretty clear that Iron legion is incredibly strict. Samona (my precious, precious child whom I hold dear to my heart after re-reading two lines of dialogue from her) is quite literally banned from inventing for letting an Ash Legion charr into their super-secret-weapon base (that Ash already knew about because they're Ash), despite the fact that she only did so to stop Flame (who also knew about it) from sabotaging the entire thing. Good intentions don't matter- strictly following orders does. Her centurion describes the legion as a 'siege engine'- everything has to be predictable, and in working order- and, well... magic, as far as the legions are concerned, is anything but predictable.

Blood

Blood legion, while probably still biased against them, seems... less strict. I could, in fact, name a blood legion elementalist- Yahuk Fellstrike. I'm probably going to be going off a lot of his dialogue here, but you can get a lot from what he says after you rescue him from Flame in the ash legion story mission. The fact that you can specifically ask 'how was being an elementalist in blood legion' is... pretty telling in and of itself, and he admits that some officers got upset about it, but neither Rytlock (good on you, bud) nor his warband really cared. So it's definitely discouraged, still, but not outright banned. Then, in the next question, you ask about him joining your warband in Ash, and he says the officers were rather upset about it- heck, Rytlock only agrees to it because he likes you. (I fought one ghost with you sir I do not understand-) It's also worth noting that it seems like Rytlock called the mission in the first place- though, granted, he might have personal reasons for liking this particular warband. (Eyes Crecia) Still, Yahuk evidently gained enough respect that charr other than Rytlock and his warband didn't want him to leave.

There's also probably plenty more examples of magic-use in Blood legion, the obvious one being Crecia (though between her clear experience with subterfuge and poisons and and offhand comment about Rytlock around grothmar involving 'keeping it in the legions' I had to verify that she'd never somehow gotten Ash training somewhere, especially considering the 'why can't we just set them on fire instead of this sneaky sneak nonsense' that Yahuk's journal makes pretty clear, and honestly she miiiiight be a bit of an outlier bc Bangar seems to be kinda Like That sometimes). It's harder to be in blood legion and use magic, but if you can clearly destroy your enemies without mercy you'll probably be more-or-less fine. (Besides the inherent mental damage that having to work significantly harder than everyone else to prove yourself in a society that very much values aggression and violence causes, but like. They won't actively prevent you from ever using it or ban you from the legion. Just a bit more trauma, you’ll be fiiiiiiine.)

Ash

And then... and then there's Ash legion. I'm going to talk a lot about it because it's where my Commander's from and I have a lot of Feelings about it, but there's gonna be a lot of subjective stuff because we don't really know a lot about them? We don't know their homeland, don't know much about their imperator, don't have a lot of Big-Name-Characters in the story from that legion besides their imperator- heck, even being in the legion as part of your personal story doesn't give you much. But, from that and how other charr talk about them, we can gather that... well, no one else knows anything about them either, and... Iron and Blood don't seem to like them very much? I don't consider anything in Bangar's speech when he’s praising them to mean anything on this point because it's... Bangar, but there's a good few instances of other legions' charr clearly vocalizing distrust and a general distaste. (Yes I'm looking at you, Ryland. Stop teaching Braham these things. Rude child.) Generally, the theme is that they're untrustworthy and cowards in combat- which... well, no, you don't send Ash to the front lines, you send them behind the lines. (Them and Crecia, apparently. This isn't to hate on Crecia, she's wonderful, this is me being very very suspicious of every single one of Bangar's motives- actually I could probably make a whole other post comparing her and Yahuk at this point, but this is long enough already;;;). But you know what else most Blood and Iron charr generally find to be indicative of untrustworthiness and cowardice, to the point of being shunned entirely or having to overcompensate for existing?

Magic.

I don't have any other solid evidence for it, but... it's Ash legion, there's no solid evidence for anything so I do what I want. And it makes... sense. In Ash, who makes a better spy than a mesmer? Who can spy on Flame better than an elementalist? Sure, charr find magic users more shifty in every legion, but you're in Ash, you're shifty by association already. Judging by the interaction between Rytlock and Torga (in the previously mentioned Ash personal story), it seems that Ash doesn't like other legions involved in their business. (They just want to be involved in everyone else's business.) They do what they want, how they want to do it, just so long as it gets done. It's a bit hard to judge, but they don't seem to have the rigid order the other legions do- and, diving just... right into speculation territory, I'd like to think this allows their fahrar's cubs to develop a little more... naturally? The lack of emphasis on being a fighter or some sort of engineer means that warbands of all sorts of skills and specializations could result, making the legion more versatile- something incredibly useful for a legion focused on sabotage. Sure, the easy way in is having a bunch of thieves, but if you can have an axe-and-torch-wielding ranger in your warband and still get the job done? Yeah, sure, you'll just get different missions. Have a lot of engineers? Great, you can spy on Iron. A lot of fire elementalists? Cool, go dismantle Flame from the inside and incite rebellions. Have a lot of mesmers? Imagine the possibilities. Just, y'know, know that we have seven other, better mesmers watching, and if you betray your legion you die. Different combinations, letting cubs grow up into their own skills, only means you can very likely have at least one available warband specifically tailored towards any mission you could ever want- any charr could be Ash, because an Ash legion charr is allowed to be anything.

...Except liked by the other legions.

Going back to Yahuk's case, beyond simply being good enough to gain the respect of his legion, it's very possible that joining Ash is seen as a... downgrade, an option for charr who aren't quite good enough for their own legion- a sort of catch-all. Yahuk seems to join you because a) his warband's dead (and finding a new one as an elementalist probably won't be easy), b) you saved his life, and c) helping him murder a whole bunch of the charr who murdered his warband probably gives you a whole lot of respect points. The 'officials' don't want him joining Ash, even when his whole warband is dead, and again- Rytlock only agrees because he respects you personally.

And then, going back to Samona... her own agreement to join your warband is quick and happy enough, which might be a mix of her own personality and various other reasons- but talking to her centurion is probably the most telling. Despite the harsh punishment, he doesn't really seem to dislike Samona. He says most of those she'd worked with would still be her friends, doesn't refute her being sweet and clever- but he does believe she'll do better in Ash, rather explicitly so, lamenting that he couldn't give her the flexibility she needed to work well while she was still in Iron- but an Ash legion warband could give her that. Despite how little the other legions know about Ash, what they do know is that they allow that sort of flexibility, that they have use for Charr that just don't fit in other legions; their 'Square cogs'. Even Samona, who... likely doesn't have an ounce of subtlety.

Now, Samona doesn't seem to care much, because... she's Samona, and neither would any charr raised Ash, but for any other charr, proud of their legion? Having to join Ash is signifying of a failure to be who you were raised and molded to be. Plenty might rather become gladium. Even for magic-users, it's the easy way out- and, clearly, neither Blood nor Iron have any respect for 'easy'.

And... boy, for Yahuk...? He might have joined out of respect for you, but then... you left. For someone who'd likely tried so hard to gain the respect of his own legion... what does that say about him? He knows why he joined, who he is, but that's not clear to anyone else, and Ash doesn't value the same things Blood does. The respect he's managed to gain means nothing to them. His ferocity means nothing to them. The leader he respected is gone, and evidently, isn't coming back- what does he have left?

...

...So, uh.

Anyways, tldr, magic in flame is normal (when it's fire, at least), magic in iron is outright heresy, magic in blood is only okay if you're really good at murder, and magic in ash is actually just fine but no one else likes them so it doesn't really solve anything.

...And Yahuk needs therapy. Like a lot of therapy. Please let him have therapy.

Thaaat being said, this is the impression I got playing through as an Ash legion charr, and I’ve probably missed a few things. Feel absolutely free to critique!

[aaallliiieee]

Idk processing some thoughts:

This post discusses dieting/body insecurities. Pls don't read this if you're gonna judge me!!! I just wanna share my feelings ok I know they're not great but whatever who cares. I don't have anyone to talk to irl about this stuff so I'm processing it here and if you don't like it just ignore me lol

So I'm kinda struggling with how I want to use this blog... for so many years I've just had a standard "thinspo" blog that I've always kept secret, used on and off through periods of dieting interspersed with periods of binge eating, but they kept getting deleted and so now I'm conflicted bc I'm 24 and I don't want to keep spreading toxic diet culture, but at the same time I've been steeped in toxic diet culture for so long that I feel like it's almost a hobby and it's like weirdly fun?? Which is fucked up lmao but I guess it's understandable bc my mom is 52 and she's been on and off different diets my entire life, she keeps saying things like "I've been on a diet since 8th grade" and is always starting a new diet for every vacation or upcoming event etc, so I guess I must've internalized it at some point bc I've also been dieting since 8th grade and always starting new diets for different seasons and holidays etc...

But anyway so now that it's summer and July is about to start and it's hot outside and there's not really anything else to do bc of the pandemic, part of me just wants to jump back into another diet and exercise plan, I don't really need to lose much weight but I can definitely be eating better and tone up some muscles, and my first instinct is to just go back to my standard format of blogging my weight and workouts every day, keeping a food log and eating as little as possible, focusing on mostly protein and veggies etc, but then I worry about how I'm being judged by all the anti-diet people on Tumblr now, and I tell myself I shouldn't be interacting with non-diet blogs while blogging about dieting, but I'm also kind of tired of the toxic diet content and I want to branch out into other health and wellness topics, and I wonder if I should even be blogging about my weight and diets at all or if I'm just being narcissistic and perpetuating this cycle of toxic diet culture under a blanket of ~health and wellness~ quotes/pictures...

I know I should actually be focusing on creating a healthy lifestyle for myself and figuring out how to have consistency this time, instead of just repeating the same diet-binge-diet cycle over and over... I want to be adding all these healthy habits into my lifestyle but I'm lacking the discipline and motivation to sustain it, and part of me feels like if I can just think it all out, I can create an ~optimized lifestyle plan~ that will take care of everything and I just need to follow the plan every day, but honestly I've created so many lists/goals for myself over the years and it only works for a few weeks before I fall off, so maybe it's just impossible to live up to such a regimented schedule like that for the long term? But it's not impossible for some people, and if I lived alone I could probably do it, but then I wonder like am I being a crazy wellness fanatic to be fantasizing about this ideal lifestyle where I live alone and only do healthy things lmao when really I should be thankful that I can share my life with such a nice man who loves me, and realistically what I need is to find balance between my wellness goals and my relationship and my social responsibilities and my artistic ambitions... I usually feel overwhelmed by the need to balance all of those aspects and instead of taking care of my responsibilities I waste so much time either watching TV to ignore everything, or just like sitting around on Tumblr/Pinterest fantasizing about a life where I don't have to do anything besides the art and wellness activities, and then when I decide "ok I'm gonna get my life together and take care of all these responsibilities" I usually just get sidetracked into an overly restrictive diet which just makes everything else even harder lmao but at least it's easy to see numerical progress on the scale every day... Other things aren't so easy to see progress and so it's easier to ignore them until they become a giant problem that's overwhelming to deal with...

The main problem is that I'm constantly overthinking everything and I'm stuck in my head all the time, instead of working towards making real meaningful progress on real meaningful goals, in a sustained effort over time... I'm not going to find what I'm looking for on Tumblr so idk why I keep coming back here thinking I'll find it this time... But I'm also lonely and I want to share my inner monologue with people bc it's like I'm living two separate lives, the outer surface and the inner suffering, and it's just hard bc I want to stop suffering inside but it's too hard to make all the changes at once and idk where to start... in the past I started with dieting which works for a little while but then I keep letting it go and starting over in a few months rather than continuing on to the next level lmao. And like I hit my GW 3 years ago and I've been mostly maintaining it this whole time so why can't I move on to the next level yet!!

So, this time the key is to not just get sucked into another restrictive diet under the guise of progress lol, this time I have to focus on something else like creating a habitual daily practice of exercise and meditating and creative work, hold myself accountable to doing it every day until it's second nature, and then once this is established add on the next goal, don't try to do it all at once bc we try that every time and it never works lol

Tldr I just really struggle with this whole human existence thing!!!! If you read this far tell me what you think I'm open to anything you wanna throw my way lol thx for letting me shout this into the void y'all ~

[u-l-i-a-n]

Long triggering story ahead

Make sure to check the tags before reading further to keep yourself safe, okay?

Anyways, here’s the story of my abusive friendship that lasted 8 years.

I can pretty confidently say 2017-2018 was the hardest year of my life so far, but it was also the one that set me free from HER (avoiding naming her bc you could definitely find her otherwise)

I’m very very bad at math, so bad that I ended up having to repeat my last year of middle school, and I’d decided to go to the other middle school in the area so i wouldn’t have the same teachers. I was pretty quickly adopted into a fairly large friend group that liked to hang out in the library, SHE was apart of that friend group. she also sat next to me in math class, and we very quickly became friends that were nearly inseparable. 

At this point in time i’d gone a few years without any real friends and my social skills were very poor, as well as my anxiety rendering me nearly mute (it still does this, but it was worse before) as i was the closest with HER, she became my “anchor” in most social situations, where i could be comfortable talking with everyone if she was talking too.

This, was where the abuse started. Where she would playfully hit me in the arm. HARD. every day, multiple times a day. I’d complain and rub my arm and she would dismiss me saying she “hadn’t hit me that hard” (I got it confirmed with another person she let one of her punches out on that it was hard as hell, and lord help you if you hit her back with the same strength)

This went on throughout high-school, along with more and more manipulation, and emotional abuse. If i did something without her approval she would be angry with me, she wanted me to keep my hair long and would get angry when i cut it, even if it looked better. If i was getting new glasses and decided on a style that she hadn’t picked out she’d be angry with me, if i wanted to see a movie she didn’t want it would take weeks of begging and making deals to watch things i had no interest in to appease her.

It was frustrating, and we argued CONSTANTLY on every little thing. She lied, pathologically, and would always try and prove herself right by yelling and hitting me in the arm until i backed down, even on things that were obviously incorrect (like: ”all raccoons are born with rabies, only gay men can get aids, japan is filthy and people shit in the streets, Spanish is the same thing and Mexican” i know, fucking crazy)

*There was one particular event that took place sometime between freshman and junior year, where on the multiple prompting of “she’ll stop hitting you if you hit her back and don’t back down” where I took that advice, and in my bedroom when she was staying over (as she did nearly every weekend, even if i didnt want her to) she’d hit me during an argument and I hit her back, this went back and forth until she got angry and angrier, until suddenly i was on my back with her hands wrapped around my throat. I remember staring at her in the eyes, until slowly she let me go. She said she didn’t know what happened, that she had “blacked out”. She didn’t apologize. I forgave her.

During this time, the friend group that we were apart of bisected and grew in different parts, some being the kids interested in theater and some being interested in other nerdy things, like video games and anime. A lot of the time, the few other friend that i had that weren’t HER often asked me “why are you still friends with her, she treats you like shit” and you may also be wondering at this point “Ulian what the hell why were you still around this person???”

Well, I’d convinced myself that she needed me, like i had once needed her as a buffer and anchor for social interaction, that i somehow owed her my patience and forgiveness for the things she did, and continued to do.

A certain event led to us breaking apart for a time, that event being her handing me a letter after several weeks of telling me how angry she was that i continued to interact with someone she didn’t like (even after she’s lied about the person being mean to her, but at this point i knew over half the things she said were lies) the letter, in briefest terms, was her blaming me and how i acted for her wanting to kill herself. She literally wrote the words “You make me want to kill myself”(hypocritical since her stance on self-harm was that people only did so for attention and people who committed suicide were weak) I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t handle the idea that something i did would have made someone want to die, and couldn’t handle that she’d just slip me a letter about it while at school and expect me to be fine.

My depression got worse, i avoided her for a time and my mental health was bad enough that it had a physical effect on me that other people commented on. I thought i was sick, and missed about a week of school.

eventually, and unfortunately, we made up. With me conditioning that she needed to treat me better, specifically “hey stop hitting me maybe??” and for the most part she did, slowly she stopped hitting me and things were much better. for awhile at least.

skipping forward a bit, we graduated, and she convinced me to go with her to college (we lasted 2 semesters and then stopped). Eventually she convinced me to start working with her at our local grocery store (bad idea) She constantly pointed out that my home life was shit and I was eager to move out of the house, and after finding a third roommate, I was living in the same house as HER (horrible idea)

although her hitting me was now something that happened very rarely, her manipulative tendencies and emotional abuse increased. And also spread to the people around us. While living together, any small mistake i made was blown up out of proportion (like not doing the dishes when she said to even though she never ever did them) and she made it seem as if i was lazy, as if i was childish and needed her in order to function. she made it so the way she treated me made sense to other people, and that i deserved how she was acting towards me.

She even threw me a kiddie themed birthday party for my 21st birthday, with a bunch of baby decorations, like think winnie the pooh themed stuff.

She constantly undermined everything i said or did, made me out to be irresponsible, invaded my privacy by forcing me to let her use my phone and computer and give her access to it, told people my secrets that i told her in confidence and bad mouthed me behind my back (as i found out from our 3rd roommate and also my GRANDMOTHER)

She also made me feel as if I couldn’t return home, that my home life (which isnt great but no one is degrading or hitting me hmmm) was horrible and that i couldn’t go back there, which i later realized was her manipulating me into feeling as if i HAD to stay with her and had no where else to go.

Living with her made all the things she did and the horrible way she treated me pile up, and left me short tempered. I knew that something needed to change, and I thought that I could get through to her and have her change how she was behaving.

We argued again, after the time she had choked me i’d backed down quite a bit, and started hating arguing since i knew she’d never listen to me. This time, once again, i argued and didn’t back down when she yelled at me.

So she SCREAMED at me, loud enough to make the house shake and have my cat try to intervene, and she threw the closest object she could find at me full force (a penny, but still scary as hell in context)

I was quiet, and I waited for a time for her to calm down. i asked “Are we going to talk about this.” and she replied “No.” And i walked out the door.

Because when i get truly, viscerally angry or upset, my response is to remove myself from the problem. I walked out the door into the night to calm myself down, shaken from the realization of the situation i was in and knowing that I couldn’t stay with her.

I began telling our other roommate and her boyfriend about the things she would say to me about them when they weren’t around, I’m not very proud of going against someones trust but at this point i was desperate to have someone on my side and willing to help me get away from her when our lease was up.

During this time she had manipulated me into coming to conclusions that i would NEVER come to on my own, such as thinking our roommate who had clinical depression only wanted attention, which is something that someone who also has depressions and many friends with depression and actively learns and cares for people with mental health issues wouldn’t ever think on my own. its not in me to think badly of other people for no reason, while she (her words) hated everyone around her by default.

eventually our roommate confronted her, and she managed to twist things around and cause a lot of tension, leaving me feeling trapped and hopeless in a house with someone who had the potential to hurt me, and also my pet cat.

She threatened things i cared about and intentionally tried to upset me, specifically threatening my cat, who is a huge emotional support for me. It sounds funny, saying i was upset because she threatened my cat, she and her mom laughed about it. no one laughs when i tell them what she was saying.

Things like “I’m going to hold her down in the drive way and have (roommate) run her over” and “I’m going to shove her in the oven and cook her alive for you to find her when you come home”

Yea, not funny. you can see why i was upset about it. She apparently couldn't, and refused to stop even when i asked her to repeatedly.

She also fully knew that i was pansexual, hell i was the reason she was even slightly okay with people in the LGBT+ community. She wasn’t great about specifically me though, and when i told her about being nonbinary she made fun of my chose name (called me Uvula) and refused to call me by my preferred pronouns.

When I came out to our roommates she said she would never call me by that stupid name or by they/them because i don’t “act nonbinary” (get a load of this guy)

Her last day in the house, she was upset with me for going into her room to take back my heated blanket that she’d taken from my room without permission (my room was cold as hell, i wasn't going to wait for her to come home at 1 am and and she already had a heated mattress pad)

I took it back of course, and our roommate asked what she was upset about (roommate and her bf had bought some food they didn't want to share, which we already discussed was fine) I told her honestly and carefully didn't badmouth HER since she was already mad, and i wanted things to be less stressful.

She blew up at me while we were at work and came for her things that night to go back to her parents house. we took care of her cat until she could figure something out for it.

During this time and the time i last saw her, several things happened, since unfortunately we worked together

She cornered me in the bottle trailer (literally a semi-truck that has bottle returns in it in huge bins. she was standing at the door and could close it at any time) and called me a horrible friend, and also a huge bitch, while we were supposed to be working and she was in a position of power over me. I panicked and said nothing.

She often made me up to an hour late for my lunches, since she was promoted to manager, and liked to skip my breaks and all around treat me like shit compared to every one else.

Despite all of this. . . I still felt as if i could forgive her, if she somehow proved she could do better that i could be friends with her again. Until she ruined that for herself by telling me that my dead father would be dissapointed in the way i was acting.

 No. hell no. I was done, she didn’t deserve my forgiveness. And i finally realized that it wasn’t my job to “fix” her.

When the lease ended I moved back in with my parents, and I quit working at that job in September.

I haven’t seen her in over half a year and many of the people who knew me when she and I were close have commented on how much happier i am, and how much more confident i am in myself.

I’m sure i’ve missed a lot of things, and I know I didn’t really go over the positives of our relationship (There were some! i swear!) but if i did go over everything it would be the length of a novel.

I got away from someone who was hurting me, I decided my happiness was more important than catering to someones every whim, decided that i deserved happiness. And I learned to NEVER let someone treat me like that again, to surround myself with people who make me happy.

I hope, in whatever way, this story of my 8 year horrible friendship helped you.

And if SHE is reading this. . . Go fuck yourself.

[aquariusgod]

i know this is an astrology blog but HOW CAN I GET RID OF DEPRESSION

I’m not a therapist & I definitely suggest going to see one if it is something available to you. A lot of places have at least one mental health facility per county that will accept you even if you do not have insurance.But, knowing that people under 18 follow my blog, I’ll answer with little tips & tricks that help me alleviate my depressive symptoms.

• Balancing time with others & yourself. This is super important, as you don’t want to isolate yourself, but you also don’t want to avoid your problems all together. If your depression happens to stem from a situation, ignoring the issue will prolong your depression, which means you’ll need time to assess it alone or with the help of others (preferably an adult 21+ or that is very experienced & kind). If your depression stems from a chemical imbalance, spending too much time with others may cause a “crash” when you’re alone, making it feel like the symptoms are worse than before. This is hard to master, so try as hard as you can. • Your Sleep Schedule, fix it. Personally, when I’m depressed I’ll sleep for what feels like days at a time. Up at 1pm, asleep at 3am. Sometimes up at 4pm & asleep at midnight. It’s a real mess! Remember, if you aren’t sleeping right, you can’t eat right! It’s hard to totally just fix your schedule on a whim, so try & set up little coffee dates with friends earlier in the morning to force yourself awake. • To Cancel or Not To Cancel. 90% of the time, don’t cancel your plans in favor of depression. Unless your day is particularly bad, try & go out anyways. Even if you message them telling them you’ll be a little late, or may want to leave a little early. Keeping up with plans will grant you structure, even when your sleep schedule won’t co-operate.• Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner. Don’t forget to eat! Ever! Growing up, my diet fucked me over HARD. I was always out of energy, constantly depressed, and lived off of snacks & caffeine. It worked, technically, but not for the better. Even if you can’t have a full meal, try & just grab something. Maybe an egg for breakfast, a quick sandwich for lunch & some McDonalds for dinner. Work up the ladder. Make sure you have some protein. (So if you need something quicker than an egg, peanut butter toast is fine). If you’re eating light meals, bring snacks wherever you go. Again, healthier the better. Oranges, imo, are the best. Apples & Banana’s bruise & get disgusting too quickly. Oranges will last you for as long as you need them & taste fucking delicious. (If you’re not into fruit, again, peanut butter crackers for protein, cheese sticks, those “healthy” chips, ect).

Yeah, that’s all pretty basic. You’re gonna hear that shit a LOT. For probably ever? Here are some of the things that may be more specific.

• Everyone has somewhere that makes them feel calm, productive, and naturally feels alleviating. For me, it’s the shower/bathroom, with the water running. I feel like a total dick, but also, I feel something. So, when I’m depressed, I tend to take 7-10 showers a week. Sometimes even more! (My skin doesn’t like me very much, though). • Some people for more comfortable talking about what depressed them than others. That’s okay! If you’re able to talk about it with friends, do! If you aren’t, you don’t have to keep a journal or anything. Just try & talk to yourself & remind yourself that the depression isn’t permanent, you’ll find a way out.• Energy Renewal. Honestly, I spend one day a week away from everyone. Everyone. I text people (who I text everyday) and make plans for the following day. Otherwise, radio silence. I do stuff on social media, study if I can, and sleep. It’s not the healthiest, but usually if I’m extra depressed due to lack of a social battery, I feel a little better the next day.• “Self Care.” Yeah, you hear it a lot. This doesn’t have to be washing your face & using a face mask. This doesn’t need to be a bubble bath. Sometimes, it’s just curling up on your couch with your favorite blanket & remote in hand. Try & DO something relaxing, & don’t fall asleep. Reading a book is the best, but not something I’ve managed to make myself do in a long time.• Try & find something that seems to be a root of situational depression (whether it’s the general situation or if it’s a stressor thats made your depression worse). Try & work on it. Find out what it is, why it’s there, and what to do to “fix” it. Can’t fix it? Address it. Apologize, if you did something wrong. Address your fears. Hold a candle to the madness & tell it to fuck off to the plane it came from.• Avoid self-sabotaging behavior. Avoid impulsive behavior. That means no suddenly downloading tinder & fucking the first match you get. That means using a condom even though you don’t care if he nuts in you. That means no going online & buying 7 outfits you won’t wear because you’re having a hard time getting out of your pjs rn. It won’t be motivation. That means no drugs, unless prescribed. Try to keep from arguing with others (esp those you care about). Keep messaging your significant other. Don’t seek affection elsewhere if you’re in a relationship. The easiest way to put this is to be mindful of how you Fuck, Spend, Interact, Intake & Love. It takes a lot of practice, but try & identify if you want to do something because you like the idea & it sounds good, or you feel like it may feel good momentarily.• Look at the drugs you’re on, if any. If there is something prescribed to you, talk to your doctor about it & depression, and whether or not there are any medications that may not have that side affect for you. Changing medications can help significantly, especially if you’re taking birth control or something else for mental health / hormonal treatment. Seek out alternative medication with your doctor, in order to find something that both works for you & doesn’t harm your mental health.

Again, when it comes down to it, these MAY help. These are tips & tricks. The most important thing I can tell you — and I cannot stress this enough — is seek professional help. If it is not available to you physically, there are many online professionals through apps & sites. If you are scared of both of those, even seeking help of a trusted adult (teacher, family member, guidance consoler) is helpful. Someone who is a listening ear who can provide you proper guidance.Even then, only a therapist will be able to work with you in the necessary ways to completely do away (or help significantly) with your depression.

& I want to point out these things are NOT easy when you’re depressed. I’m currently going through a bout so hard I only eat maybe once a day, & that’s typically only when I’m starving. My sleep schedule is literally 4pm - 3am bc I don’t want to wake up. The only time I feel something is when I’m with friends & even then I tend to feel withdrawn. It is NOT easy. Do what you can. Go a little at a time. Do NOT beat yourself up if you don’t start tomorrow, but do try. The most important thing is, while it doesn’t necessary help your depression: stay away from things that can harm you. Don’t impulse spend, don’t fuck strangers, don’t do illegal drugs. These will only hurt later on, whether fiscally or otherwise.

[thesummerstorms]

What kind of relationships do you think Etain has with the various nulls?

Ordo: 

Ordo & Etain’s relationship starts out really rough, to say the least, but you can see some turn around by the beginning of  Order 66 and definitely by the not-canon-ending where he tries to revive her and then sobs at her funeral. I want to say that they eventually actually end up pretty close friends. Gena has said before that she thinks Ordo actually ends up closer to Etain than Darman, and I kinda love that (especially the irony). 

I do think they squabble. They root for opposite sports teams, and Ordo’s type A while Etain’s definitely not so they drive each other crazy sometimes. Sometimes they inadvertently offend one another or are a little too honest. But It’s a good friendship. They’re supportive and honest and unreasonably loyal and gossipy. Etain has probably threatened to beat someone up for Ordo as if he wasn’t a super soldier twice her size. Etain also probably kept sending him letters when he went incommunicado for mental health reasons, not to pressure him, but just because she still loved and was thinking of him.

I like to think that, even though they aren’t living in the same place, Ordo and Etain try to raise their daughters to be at least somewhat close? Mirja and Koa are only two years apart, the same age difference as between me and my cousin, who I was super close to growing up, but I haven’t really discussed it with Gena.

Anyway, tl:dr Ordo and Etain go from “constantly in disagreement” to “probably still in disagreement, but in a loving sibling kind of way, absolutely have each other’s backs”.

A’den: 

So I feel like Etain has a decent respect for A’den long before she meets him just because she and Dar write letters constantly and Darman respects A’den. (She may or may not ask after him while Dar is stationed on Gaftikar, out of principle, after she asks after Dar and the rest of the squad.) 

I don’t feel like they probably meet until after Order 66, and Etain is not exactly at her best just then- but there’s still probably mutual respect there. A’den is, by all accounts, a man who smiles a lot, loves food, and has a sense of humor, and I think Etain would appreciate that about him when they interact, and A’den has likely heard good things from Mereel and Ordo- but Etain is at a place where it’s hard for her to bond very deeply with him. Then it’s more or less one thing after the other until Mereel dies and she and Dar flee.

More than likely, I think they become actual friends more after Mereel comes back from the dead. Mereel shows up at the safehouse he left Dar and Etain in pretty miserable shape, and of course as soon as the Nulls know, they immediately converge. Since Ordo’s travelling with an infant, A’den might actually be the first to show up? (Probably startling the hell out of poor, sleep-deprived Darman who sees him in the kitchen at 1 am and just blinks a few times before…. “Sarge?”) He and Etain start talking a little more after Dar and he bond over foodie stuff, and they stay friendly, even if she’s not as close to him as Mereel or Ordo.

At some point much later they probably have to haul Mereel out of some situation (or Mereel hauls them into a situation idk), and find they actually work well as a team for short durations.

Jaing

Everyone makes a point of “don’t tell Etain about the gloves”, but let’s be real guys. She knows. The emotions in the Force don’t lie, and she knew Ko Sai as well, which makes the impression stronger.

Jaing is easily the Null Etain is weariest of. It’s hard because she’s instinctively someone who reads emotional undercurrents, and while she feels threads of violence and anger in all the Nulls, Jaing wears his against his skin as trophies.

I don’t think she ever confronts him about it, even when it unsettles her.

He;s still family. She’s tortured people before and there’s no one in the family (except maybe the children) who aren’t capable of some terrible things. She appreciates the way he looked after Fi, or what she saw of it for those few days on Mandalore before she went into labor. He’s capable, and she respects that the same way she does for all of them. 

But at the same time, I think Jaing will always be the one she holds herself the most emotionally distant from. She would absolutely go after him on a rescue op if needed, out of shared bonds to other family and loyalty and duty, but they’re never gonna be close buddies.

Prudii

The mun forgot Prudii existed again, whoops.

Coughs, and links you to this post. And this post. Which have Etain: !!!!!!!!!!

I honestly don’t as many particular headcanons for Prudii at the moment. Etain pretty much auto-extends the same loyalty to him before she even meets him by virtue of his being first Dar and then Ordo and Mereel’s brother. I very much feel like she has hung over a staircase banister throwing pebbles at him at some point, but I can’t justify that?

Someone with a more developed sense of Prudii as a character is free to propose things, but I was rereading his scenes and nothing ..really..stuck?

I’m so sorry Prudii; I am failing you.

Komr’k

So I feel like initially Etain starts out a little off balance around Kom’rk. They’re the Null who, other than Prudii sorry Prudii, she probably knows the least about, and they don’t meet until after Etain’s death experience. Kom’rk has this weird balance of weary aloofness and bluntness going on, and I think that keeps Etain a little distant at first. She can match them for bluntness at least some of the time, but aloofness is harder for her to deal with. 

She grew up in the Temple, she has a mask she built for distancing herself from attachment to the people around her, and she retreats back into it at first, her emotional state at the time not helping matters any. (Possibly Kom’rk thinks her either cold or in shock at first.) But at her core she’s someone who wants desperately to be emotive and touchy-feely and reach out to everyone.

Eventually when they’re less weary of each other and Kom’rk’s more social side comes out a little, things relax between the two of them. I feel like while Etain is still in recovery, Kom’rk would be one who would pick up on her ambiguous feelings re: Kal, especially given their similar (if for different reasons) feelings and absolute willingness to call a spade a spade, and perhaps that ends up being an eventual basis of support for the two of them?

I want to say they end up having occasional lunches when their different travels have them in the same side of the galaxy, and since Kom’rk seems to be into some of the same social scenes as Mereel, maybe some occasional sight-seeing? But idk.

Mereel

Oh gosh. This is gonna be long, isn’t it? I tried to bookend with the most developed relationships, but… Listen, Etain loves Mereel. 

I think she probably wanted to try and steal the CipQuad from him on Trip Zip, but they don’t really get to know each other well until she’s pregnant and isolated and terrified on Mandalore. At which point Mereel shows her both massive kindness and genuine respect for her ability and competence, both of which Etain is practically starving for at that point. There are very few people who genuinely give a damn about her, not as a Jedi or because she’s carrying a clone’s baby but as herself.

She’s not used to being cared for. 

 He sees her when she’s incredibly vulnerable and gives her both some compassion and a sense of control/purpose back, and it pretty much cements a friendship from her end. We don’t know what all went on during their two months together, but obviously Mereel also felt close to Etain because he lets himself show an incredible amount of vulnerability back to her rather than laughing or playing it off as a joke like he does literally anywhere else.

I think they stay really close. When Etain needs reassurance post-death and Dar is still stranded on Coruscant, Mereel’s the one she trusts enough to be open with. I think they’re pretty casually affectionate with one another, and she worries about him, particularly after Kal destroys the cure and he goes off alone. (For good reason, as it turns out.) Mereel, of all people, actually gives her spiritual guidance that results in her seeking out Tarre and Ranah, pretty much instantly lands on her “unbelievably lengthy letters” sending list with out even any surprise from Ordo, is a fabulous Uncle to her kids. She trusts him in a way she doesn’t trust many people other than Dar. Perhaps goes to him for advice on occasion, though she also tries to give him advice she knows he’ll never follow.

(I also… I really ship Etain/Mereel? It started as a crack ship and then I started thinking about it too much and… oh no. It’s definitely a poly arrangement, though idk about actual Mereel/Etain/Darman. I’m not even sure how canon this is to me now bc it got all invested in my feelings and my brain betrayed me. But in whatever verse or AU it does happen it starts with a mix of closeness/vulnerability and guilty ust, and then after years of a strong friendship between them, develops into something open, less a demand or formal arrangement than their trust/care finding another avenue of expression. Possibly after Mereel dies bc the timing would be sketchy otherwise. Or ,again, in a different verse? Idk. Stupid overly invested crack ship.)

[fireflydunes]

2020 Reflection: I basically come back to tumblr annually just to reflect.

Here’s something I wrote in 2017, I’ve answered this every year since. 

“Dear future me,

Are you happy?

Do you have someone you love?

Can you drive yet?

Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

I bet you’re still fat :p work on that yeah?

Oh and please love yourself bc i certainly love the idea of you”. Its November 2019 now. Its been over a year since my last update. Am I happy? The answer is a bit complicated. If you were to ask how my mood was, I’d say everyday it fluctuates between “Okay” and “Content”. I may have placed too high of a bar on happiness there. What does that mean too high of a bar. Do I need to have no negative emotions in order for me to be truly happy. Thats certainly not true; I feel a collective swarm of emotions and all throughout they hit me like a whirlwind. Either a cold breeze or warm fuzziness, it’s constantly washing over me. What’s important is that I hold onto the good stuff, reflect on the bad stuff but let myself feel everything fully and then let them go. This is also much easier written than done; this is my first time reflecting in a long while, I’ve been going to counselling and it’s alright–sometimes I feel amazing sometimes I don’t. I forget that that’s okay. But yeah, I think collectively as a whole, I’m doing really well, I’m no where near unhappy–I was terribly miserable as I’d just started uni and found out too much of my identity was tied to Physics and I’m letting go of Physics because the course just isn’t for me. I still feel disoriented, like an empty slate–not really, I’ve got my values and traits very unique to me, yes, but I feel like something veryy important to me has been taken away. And I do want to evaluate why that is?

Why was physics so important. I’ll explore that in a separate document. But hey, am I happy? Yes, but not how I’d thought I’d be happy when I was younger. I might actually prefer this–being able to take in all the emotions that aggregate something that  feels…good. Do you have someone you love?

I nailed this last time and I continue to nail this aspect. Afu, Naani and my sister have continued to remain very strong foundations of constant love and support. I have lovely friends that I love dearly and miss, I met my boyfriend at possibly the best time–it was when I really didn’t need one nor was I looking. My life was so full and rich with love, the thrill of the next step, loads of travelling, love even from my mother and the extended family (an unexpected source). But I was so so full and I had an amazing relationship with myself as well. To then meet someone, that still, added to this was amazing. I was able to fully open myself upto a new type of love and be comfortable with my vulnerability and I love him so much for that. Can you drive yet?

I’m in Canada right now, so I can’t drive here yet ;-; This is terribly sad, I was already an awful driver and now it’d gonna be worse.   Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

In a way, yes. In another way, no. I’ve gotten closer in the sense that the rug has been ripped out from underneath and everything I believe in, has changed. I am in a forest, vast and dense. I am pretty lost–but I am trying to figure it all out. In a way, I feel like this is me looking at what I truly want, without any underlying desire to gain my parent’s approval and prove my worth.

The next part is on Body issues.

Lately, my relationship with food and my body hasn’t been great. It was really amazing the majority of the year bc I exercised daily, I ran everyday, did a couple of marathons, but I did kind of grow endurance and also did some extreme stuff like running 7k after 2 hours or badminton. By then I was at my fittest condition but my relationship with my body, and eating, was still no where near healthy. I’m more aware of it now, and do continue to work on this. But at the same time, I’d like to mention, my relationship with food is not amazing, but my body remains loved and cared for–the extent of it is just something I wish to deepen. I’m gonna skip the next questions and go right to the very last one bc that’s what I want to talk about. I chose to study. I’m in university now, but 2019 was not at all about university. 2019 was about, isolation, finding a way to grow in that isolation. Being surrounded by the loveliest sweetest kids, learing how to live with mom, learning that I’ve so much work to do. I learned how to comfort my mother, I learned what it was like to fully feel good in my own body–which was amazing but always came with an awareness and knowing the danger of feeling so good in a body that looked really good. “Does this mean my fall will be even deeper?” I do want to reach a point in my life where my value and worth are no longer so dependent on image and shallow opinions of others or how I am to be of service to others. We’re gonna work on that. Question for 2020 zuha. Are you living off-campus now? How has that been? It’s End of November 2020 Are you happy?

I agree with me from a year ago, it’s very much not a bad thing and quite normal to be feeling a swarm. I feel varying degrees of happy, sad, upset, hungry throughout the days. I’ve just broken up with my ex after a year and a couple of months in, so I’m learning how to just be okay with this new norm of feeling heartbroken, sad, missing him, and almost each time going through the waves of grief. With COVID happening I think, since March, there’s been a lot of heartbreak, emotional strain, isolation like never before, loneliness...really feeling so alone. I’m really struggling now because that still, helped so much with making me feel not-alone. So I’m also struggling in general right now, haha. This one’s not as well-worded as the others, everything still feels fresh even though its only been a month since.        I’m struggling most with my urge and want to immediately be better, immediately be resilient and not really give myself a chance to be in pain, be heartbroken, just be devastated. I’ve said this a lot throughout this post but I think, I’m struggling with this one, haha. I’m trying to find joy in small things now, I think that’s what give you happiness, sustainable happiness. The daily tasks, small things, the interactions with people. Just trying to focus on one day at a time, and small things that might give me warm fuzzy feelings. 

Do you have someone you love?

Yes, I’ve also lost two relationshipsthis past year. I’ve lost my first real “I love you” person and I’ve lost what was an incredibly close and loving relationship with my sister.  But in this time, my friends have been my family, my utmost support, they banded together really to come lift me up. I feel very loved, and grateful to have them. I’m learning to find peace with how things are with my sister. I’m trying to actively reach out to my friends--I tend to self-isolate and feel like a burden in my relationships. Which is a bit unfair, because it’s alright to admit that some of our actions can be burdensome to others, but people help you regardless and in spite of the inconvenience because they love you. So I’m trying to have a habit of thanking them rather than apologising.  Also, yes, myself. A thought that brings me so much comfort is knowing every version of me that existed and will exist, loves and cares for me so much. Looking back at the past me’s I only feel love and kindness and I know a year from now, older me is giving me a hug and telling me everything going to be alright.

Can you drive yet?

I can, and I drive on Sundays or when I’m off to get an errand. It’s really rare though since I’m so cooped up and swamped with uni. UM, big change though, I’m a very calm driver now, I drive very slowly. The reckless driving really was not cute and endangered many lives at one point and I really learned from that. And I think as you grow used to your surroundings as well, and have a shift in I guess, maturity, things just naturally slow down.

Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

Yes.  I’ve also really made peace with Physics: It’s the novelty of it and wanting something absolutely without a doubt amazing. A mix of, i want to do something grand and amazing so I am deserving of my parents’ love, as well as this is definitely unambiguously amazing and so I will undeniably be amazing, special, and seen as such by my pare--you get the point. So the thing now to watch out for, isn’t what profession I choose or careers I want togo for, it’s making sure I’m choosing it not to make up, yet again, for this lack of love and attention as a child. 

I had an amazing year exploring my subjects, I’m a complete humanities baby, I love anthropology out of all of them at the moment for the freedom and range within the discipline. It was also really lovely meeting professionals in the Creative Arts, also very wonderful being told that taking that leap of faith last year was brave. I’d realised that this was something perceived by many and also I’d internalised, as something cowardly, so it was extra meaningful to have so many people see courage instead.

I’m also still allowed to love physics, ofcourse, and astronomy and be amazed and awed but also--be sulky and sad and every now and then grieve the loss of that childhood to early twenties dream.

So far the most important thing I’ve learned is, you don’t just have one career, you have multiple, and neither of them are your identity. 

I bet you’re still fat :p work on that yeah?

I’m honestly surprised that in 2017 I was so harsh on myself but then remember it was later that year I started therapy for the first time ever. I’m also, not surprised that last year by this time already I’d noticed that my relationship with health in general is a bit strained. It’s not diagnosed or anything in case anyone’s reading, just a general notice of when I’m mentally doing not ok, I eat in a way that I don’t really feel good and this brings about a lot of shame. I also had tied way too much of my identity to running and being healthy.  This year, I haven’t done a lot of either, so naturally my weight has changed. I’m struggling with it right now, moreso because of how isolated I am, and the actual comments from the outside I’m getting on it. It helped to, instead of getting sad, to get angry at them. I’ve said things back, retaliated a bit, drawn the line at inappropriate (but not perceived as such in my community) comments. that’s been extremely good. However, it’s been a challenge ever since my dad made such a point of it. This might be something worthy to think on, the relevance of him. But, I think for now, I really am trying to remind myself at every weight I’ve always been weary and cautious of health, internally i’ve been the same person, same qualities, same amazing fun loving all that jazz, I’ve always been worthwhile. That being said, my knee ache is back, my PCOS is worse, my hairfall is terrible--I need to lmao build some muscle, be more active, but in a way that elevates my mood and I don’t tie so much of myself to it.

Question for 2020 zuha. Are you living off-campus now? How has that been? So this was meant for Off-campus in CANADA. I’m not there b, I’m back home, same as every transitionary moment in my life haha. It’s a mixed bag honestly. With COVID, male’ isn’t any better. No where seems any better honestly. Some days are tough, but I feel really touched by my friends, the checking up, the gaming together. It’s quite lovely. Univevrsity has also been quite =, nice but HARSH. Universities have really proven themselves as institutions for profit, it’s really disturbing and saddening, but individuals within have been so lovely and understanding and you really love these subjects and these people far more than anything in Physics kek. 2021 Zu, Nice to meet you. I’m really curious to see where you are a year from now. What would you want me right now to know. :)

[eeveelutionsforequality]

@mod vape, do you have any tips for dealing with hypersexuality or addiction? bc uh. getting off hurts. idk if it’s specifically because ive been doing it so goddamn much or because of the fucking legion of medical problems i have, but it’s DEFINITELY making my abdominal pain worse and i dont know how to stop gjdfjhk.

Well, firstly, go to the doctor about that pain - there are injuries, illnesses, sexual dysfunctions, and all sorts of things from that could be causing a pain like that (it could be a pulled muscle, a cyst, maybe you aggravated a pre-existing health issue, etc), and it's best to rule out anything too dangerous as soon as you can, and to treat anything treatable. Even if it is tied to or caused by overdoing sex/masturbation, just mitigating that habit isn't guaranteed to fix it.

I was getting some pretty bad pain from even small dildos/vibrators, and I decided to go to the doctor in case it was something dangerous - thankfully, it turned out to just be a sexual dysfunction (basically spasms and tightening of the muscles in the vagina, in my case caused by trauma). I was supposed to get therapy for it, but I never went because I was having another therapy at the time and my carer was like "But what if they cancel each other out!?" and I was like "That's not how it works..." Sometimes it acts up but I think I've got it mostly under control. I've also had to go to the doctor for sprained/strained wrists more times than I would like to admit... I used to be like "Oh I played my guitar for too long" or "Oh I think I leant on my walking stick for too long" and now I'm just like "Wanker's cramp".

Trust me and my plethora of injuries when I say that doctors are professionals, they went to medical school, they see genitalia on a daily basis, they've seen eyes and ears and giant sores full of puss... it's really rare to get a doctor that will look down upon or judge you for that. Sure you'll get the odd "You should masturbate less", "Here's a big speech about the risks of STDs and pregnancy", "Have you told your therapist about this", but it's more of an "I'm contractually obliged to impart medical advice" than an "I think you're gross" 99% of the time.

Secondly, I do have tips, but I'm still hella bad at dealing with my own issues - I still smoke more than I want to, drink til I puke, sleep with strangers, lose days to laying in bed alone, have an aching pain in my wrists, etc. Obviously I don't have all of the answers, so I can't promise that they'll be the best tips in the world - it's worth doing some more research of your own, and it might be worth talking to your doctor/therapist if you can't manage it on your own.

You haven't given much detail about how specifically it affects you or what the addiction is to (sexual stuff in general, masturbation, casual sex, porn, etc), so I'm going to try to cover as much as I can (like dealing with sexual thoughts about people in your life, limiting the number of times you masturbate, etc) and I hope that at least some of what I say is useful to you.

Okay, so the first tip I have is: try not to slip into the mentality that cold turkey is the only way to go if it's not what you want - thinking "I can't have this. I'm not allowed this." can increase cravings. Thinking "I'm allowed this later... if I stay motivated not to do it now and if I only do it in moderation, and it's gonna be great." can make waiting out those cravings a lot easier, provided you have the self-control to not slip back into a bad habit after once.

Ways to avoid slipping back into bad habits include: having time (or number of the thing) limits for when and how long you are allowed, having something to do afterwards that takes your mind off it (for example "once I've done it once, I have to get up, take out the rubbish, email my boss, read that global warming article, and get ready for bed"), other rewards/punishments (put a book you really want in your Amazon basket then click "save for later", if at the end of the fortnight you've accomplished your goal then buy the book, if you fail the fortnight resets and you have to wait two more weeks - set smaller goals with smaller rewards, and larger goals with larger rewards), keeping and going over a diary so that you can see what worked and what didn't, if there's a pattern to failures, progress even if you're not meeting goals (at which point try to make the upcoming goals a little easier since you're expecting too much of yourself), and so on.

Secondly, and it's the most generic tip ever but it's SUPER important for addictions because they can damage your pre-frontal cortex... healthy diet, exercise, meditation, mental exercises, getting some sun, and other daily tasks are super important.

You need to get into the habit of something like reading or pottery or drawing for at least half an hour to an hour every day - turn off your internet, games, distractions, and maintain concentration on what you're doing. This helps repair the effects that addictions can have on your pre-frontal cortex and dopamine receptors by activating the parts of your brain that work towards maintained motivation and focus for smaller or distant rewards, which in turn will help your brain work normally again, which in turn will increase motivation and willpower.

Cooking more difficult meals will have similar benefits and a healthy diet improves your overall health. Exercise does the same even more effectively than either, and it has the added bonus of energizing you, increasing your focus on other tasks that you do afterwards, various health benefits, lifting your mood, and helping you be tired by the end of the day so that you'll be able to sleep easier - insomnia is a really dangerous trigger for any addiction, but especially a masturbation or sex addiction, because you're in an environment that is associated with that behaviour and the behaviour makes it easier to sleep afterwards, so you've every reason to start doing it if you find yourself unable to sleep.

Which brings me on to another reason why keeping a diary is especially important - you need to isolate your triggers. Establish what happened immediately before the behaviour, what you were thinking, and what potentially led to the behaviour. Then you can work towards either avoiding those triggers, lessening them, being mindful of them, or training yourself to exhibit a different behaviour in response to them - for example, if having a shower triggers you to masturbate, try singing in the shower instead, training your brain to react to showers with the urge to sing instead of the urge to masturbate.

You might also want to try sleeping meds, so that you can take them, read until they start to kick in, and then immediately go to bed and try to sleep - that way there's less of a gap between going to bed and falling asleep where something could happen.

Routine can also be really helpful for some people - you're supposed to fall asleep between about 10pm and 1am for optimal sleep, and you're supposed to wake up between 6 and 8 hours later. Get out of bed as soon as you wake up to avoid lethargy, and either exercise or go for a short walk, or do something that starts your brain and body working for the day. After that, prepare breakfast, don't watch TV or distract yourself while you eat. Continue the day with a routine that works for you, and you could set a time at which you will masturbate (or maybe a date you're allowed to go to the club and pull... how you work in routine if you have a long-term sexual partner is something you would need to talk to them about) that doesn't interfere with your routine.

Avoid bars, pubs, clubs, tinder, grindr, and anything else that can be a trigger for that or makes quick hook-ups easy - I know that I can go to the pub near me (because there'll be nobody there for that, it's an "old people come here to watch football" pub), and that I can go to a pub or bar with friends if I'm having a good day, but making sure that my flat wasn't within walking distance of a club and deleting dating apps was really helpful to me (it meant that even if the temptation was there the effort required to act on it was too much and took too long, so I'd catch myself).

I also log off any tumblr that I'm following people on that post NSFW, porn, sexual stuff or anime stuff if necessary - just like how I log off any tumblrs where I follow political blogs if I'm getting overwhelmed by that. But it is still good to have a tumblr for NSFW stuff, to have somewhere that you can express certain things, reblog things, feel less alone, enjoy things that you enjoy - don't demonize the side of you that likes sex, don't lock it in a cell in the back of your head, just tell it that it can't control you.

I'm also working on not putting myself in as many situations that can make me feel like I'm being too flirty or as many situations that cause too many uncomfortable or sexual thoughts at a time when they're stressing me - like, I don't come online as much when I'm drunk now, I don't have as many sleepovers, and I don't tend to maintain physical contact for as long (like, I don't hold hands as often as I used to), for example.

That said, you can't live out your life hiding from people who your brain might think something sexual about - isolating yourself is unhealthy. Humans are social creatures and social interaction is good for us, talking to people about our problems is good for us, distractions and fun are good for us. I find structured social plans make things easier - so, I like plans like "lets cook together then eat the awesome meal", "lets go see a movie", "lets go to the town center and taste hot chocolate from as many cafés as we can before I puke", "lets go to the fair" and things like that (that said, agoraphobia is awful and ruins like 90% of my social interaction). Keep people in your life who you're comfortable with and who make you happy.

Remember that what you're thinking or mental images that pop into your head aren't evil, it doesn't mean that you have a crush on them, that you actually want to do sexual things with them, that you can't be their friend, or anything like that... they're just thoughts. You didn't choose them. Just let them pass.

Your surroundings and triggers are incredibly important things to stay on top of though, be that to mitigate stress in social situations, or to prevent you from engaging in more sex/masturbation than you want to or than is safe for you to.

Don't spend your day in the same place that you masturbate - even if you don't live alone you can avoid being in bed when you're in your room, you could get a sofa, beanbag, comfy chair, gigantic cushion, or other comfortable place to sit in your bedroom so that you don't have to be in your bed, and put that in a part of your room with different posters/decoration to those around your bed.

Lots of things can become associated with certain behaviours in your brain, from sitting in a certain place to feeling a certain emotion. Try to avoid being too exposed to those things at times when you don't intend to be doing something sexual, and replace them with other things that make you happy, keep you distracted, and aid in training concentration and willpower (maths games, board games, card games, puzzles, reading, cooking, exercise, drawing, writing, etc).

Even things like separating any porn or sexual pictures in your phone into a hidden folder instead of having it pop up when you go to look for pictures, or keeping magazines or the pornhub bookmark out of sight, can really help with lessening the regularity with which things pop into your head.

Finally, and I've hinted at it throughout this, mindfulness and meditation are things that many addicts find incredibly helpful. It's really worth doing some googling, watching some YouTube videos, and learning those techniques (and it's good to be doing research in general into ways to help addictions or hypersexuality disorders, because there are quite a few schools of thought and there are probably a lot of things that I've missed).

Meditation, like reading and exercise, helps train your mind into maintaining focus, not reacting to distractions and urges, relaxing, letting thoughts pass by, and being less hectic and loud - it also has health benefits, can help you sleep, can help you take time from your busy schedule to yourself (an urge that may have been previously feeding the addictions instead, as they can be linked to a need for control), and can help you work through thoughts or anxieties.

Mindfulness helps in various ways too - for example, smokers found that being mindful (observing, essentially) helped them quit because it led to them paying more attention to how bad the cigarette tasted, and it also allowed them to non-judgmentally observe the cravings that they felt, observe why they were feeling those cravings, and allow them to pass by. It's about letting your thoughts exist, letting things exist, acknowledging them, but not letting them control you.

You can study mindfulness for yourself - research it online, read one of the many books about it, watch YouTube videos, etc - or you can go to the doctor and ask for a therapy that teaches mindfulness (I found learning about it in my own time more helpful, and have had more success with that, but I think that was mostly related to not having a great therapist - plus, online gives me more opportunities to look into the how and why, to see how other people do it, to look deeper into it, to take as long as I need, while therapy was just an elderly lady snapping at me for using my phone and telling me to imagine that my thoughts are clouds and distracting me constantly).

So yeah...

Step 1: Go to the doctors for that pain, it's probably something minor but it's better safe than sorry.

Step 2: Do more research, Mod Vape doesn't know everything.

Step 3: Keep a diary and try to isolate what things are triggering you, what you're feeling beforehand, and be mindful of what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and what you're gaining/losing from the experience.

Step 4: Try to keep yourself away from things that trigger you, but also remember that you don't have to entirely abstain from valuable things - you can train new reactions as responses to those things, you can work on self-control, and so on.

Step 5: Work on your routine, diet, exercise, habits, and hobbies, so that you can improve your willpower, motivation, and health.

Step 6: Research and practice meditation and mindfulness.

Step 7: Set and work towards small goals, rewarding yourself for successes and keeping track of your progress.

Step 8: If you can't control the addiction or behaviour, if the thoughts are becoming difficult to live with, if these problems continue to cause you distress, there is no shame in seeking professional help. You don't have to do this alone.

Remember that chemical imbalances and other neurological issues can cause such things - if you can't manage it alone, that could be a warning sign that something serious or physiological is going on. Not being able to quit doesn't necessarily mean that somebody's "not trying hard enough", and instead of beating yourself up talk to somebody who can do blood tests, scans, or whatever else is necessary to make sure that you're okay and that you overcome your struggles.

~ Vape

[trans-advice]

This isn't completely trans related, but I like the advice on this page so I thought I would give it a shot. SO, recently when hanging out with my friends, I feel like I'm not ever relaxed, and I am holding myself back. I try and try to relax bc they are my best friends, but something won't let me. I have been pondering being NB lately. Idk if thats the reason, or if theres something else. Has anyone else experienced this? How can I overcome this? Thx.

While my first reactions are it could be many things, I'll start with a personal account of how gender can screw up my desire to be with other people. Then I'll follow up with other things it could be. It doesn't have to be gender, but gender could be related to your problem(s).It seems every few months I come out to my parents, it's rough for them to accept which happens over a month, then the accept me for 2 weeks or so although they call me by a variety of names including my deadname, they definitely misgendering me more than not etc. then they don't gender me correctly at all & stuff. Honestly, it hurts me because although I live with them, I'm so hurt at home already that I can barely find the energy to go out, to the point that I never do. It gets to the point where I head back into the closet because it's so dark, and I'm hurt, and I already prefer nonbinary identity in professional contexts since in such contexts were supposed to be impersonal/tools which I feel so hurt into feeling dehumanized. Yeah. It's bad. On the plus side though they are able to help/tolerate my other mental illnesses & I make like no money, so they help provide about half my livelihood. I'm a mess, but that's where I'm at in life. Joy. Just joy.Also I stayed away from people from 6th grade onward outside of school because I had to much homework & the misgendering & thereby the social interactions I could do were horrid stressors. But I loved goofing off in school... I'd be a serious student, but yeah... I only socialized in school. That might be introversion though. Lovely.Now, other things that could be making you feel not relaxed... • Introversion (Personally, I seem to go back & forth on that one, lol.)• Other life events you're dealing with (uh... Work, schoolwork, that crisis in-between "mid-life" where you want to do stuff & "existential" where you're like what am I even doing?)• ¿mental health? (I got diagnosed with bipolar when I was 8, and most get diagnosed in their 20s, so yeah...)• Allergies?• Heck, diet? (That would be the point of elimination diets. Maybe see a doctor?)Anywho it could be anything, your gender identity can play a role in it though. Honestly, you may want to talk to like a doctor or therapist who isn't transphobic & will keep your queerness status away from your parents (if such exist) to try and figure out what's stressing you.♣, Peace & Love,-- Eve

[pet-diary]

How was it like growing up as an autistic child? When were you diagnosed? C:

I was diagnosed later in life (mid-twenties) after seeking out the diagnosis on my own. I never really knew I was autistic as a child or as I was growing up, I just knew there was something “different” about me. It was hard to put two and two together for a number of reasons…

(adding a read more cut because this ended up being a long answer, sorry!)

I was home schooled by my mom with only my brother and sister as company until I reached the 7th grade. The only real social interaction I had was with a few family friends (most of whom trickled out of our life after a couple of yrs of knowing them, for various reasons) and kids I got to know at church. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday until I was in jr high and had a few friendships that lasted a few yrs, but all of them ended over time (kind of badly in some cases, some of them bullied me in the end). I hung out with my cousin for several yrs until she also became too “cool” for me. Needless to say, everyone just thought I was weird because I was home schooled, isolated, and friendless through most of my little kid yrs.

Despite having a somewhat isolated childhood I was really happy I think. I didn’t really get why people didn’t want to be my friend back then. I was a pretty happy kid. I didn’t think it was all that weird to be as hyper-focused on small details of things as I was, to notice the things I did, or to have the special interests I had. Also I was really really shy and didn’t talk very much at all. I had fewer sensory issues back then because I was more in control of my environment (spent almost every minute at home!) but they tended to get worse on long trips in the car or in situations where I couldn’t get away.

I grew up in a very small town in Texas. There was no practical or helpful interventions in place for kids who didn’t “look” like they had a disability, but still did have one. None of my issues ever got singled out on an institutional level (like recognizing a learning disability or whatever, my issues were mostly intrapersonal and interpersonal, everyone thought my educational issues were bc of home school). My parents thought I had a behavioral attitude problem and threatened to send me to boot camp a lot (my dad is ex marine). I got in trouble at home a lot because I was argumentative. The one time i spoke up about having anxiety and depression I got a couple of months worth of Lexapo from my GP, and never got it refilled. I was a freshman in high school at the time I think. Mental health wasn’t talked about or taken seriously where I grew up. If you had real problems you were supposed to work them out in church (no offense to ppl who believe in that, but I don’t think it should take the place of practical interventions that can help improve ppl’s lives). I mostly just started “working them out” through self injury (bad coping mechanism), and later through art.

From jr high to high school I kind of found my niche. I had groups of friends eventually, really good friends. Mostly outcast types, but we didn’t care, we were the weirdos and we liked that. I also took on the role as the artsy eccentric one in the group who said weird stuff that people thought was funny or amusing. I actually really liked this part of me, but the other issues in my life at the time made this a less happy point in my life. It was a mixed bag.At this point (basically from 7th grade on) I was dealing with a lot of depression, anxiety, self injury, etc. I started looking into psychology as a way to describe what I was going through, why I had such intense emotions, meltdowns, sensory issues, depression, headaches, stress, etc. That time period was the birth of my lifelong interest in psychology. I bought every book I could, watched every movie. There was a lot of confusing info out there (movies probably didn’t help since they don’t portray mental illness very accurately usually, lol). But autism was never really brought to my attention because of the obvious reasons (stereotypically a young boy’s disorder, mute stereotype), but also because of the divide between the medical field and the psychological field. I was looking in the wrong places, apparently. I think this divide is a major issue that will eventually need to be addressed, by the way.

To answer your actual question… Growing up undiagnosed autistic was confusing as all hell. Often sad. Very very lonely. I didn’t really get what I was doing “wrong” most of the time? For a large portion of my life I had a lot of magical thinking. I thought I was “special” and could like, control certain things in my life (kind of like in a serendipitous way? idk it’s hard to describe). I used to think I had schizotypal pd but that might have just been a result of trying to make a confusing life make sense. Maybe I do though who knows really.

I might have had these issues with or without a diagnosis, but I definitely have always felt “broken” bc I didn’t have an explanation for why I was different.I have a lot of self-loathing, lack of confidence issues that I’m still working through as an adult. To be honest with you (and I don’t consider this tmi because this is my blog lol)… I was really at my wit’s end when I decided to seek out a diagnosis. I felt broken, like a burden, like garbage parts that would never do any good in the world or mean anything to anyone. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time, I was in a really dark place for many years and the only thing keeping me going was my husband (then boyfriend) and my pets. When it got bad enough that I was scared for my safety I decided I needed to demand help from myself and my family and friends.

Things completely changed when I got my diagnosis. Something in me shifted, and I felt I understood the universe more clearly. Kind of like when you learn something new in school or whatever and everything takes on new meaning somehow. It was like that. Since then, I’ve had a lot more self acceptance. I still have a lot of issues sometimes when I’m having a really bad meltdown or depression (okay it happens way more than it should, I really need to go to therapy I know, lol), but things have improved so drastically by knowing I’m autistic, I can’t even tell you. It’s also improved my relationship with my husband, (side bonus).

It hasn’t been all good, I mean, my family and irl friends have barely acknowledged it which just makes me doubt myself all over again… But then I remember “oh yeah other people don’t have to deal with this kind of shit!!!! This isn’t typical!!! This isn’t the “normal” everyone else is experiencing!! Fuck you I’m autistic or whatever else you wanna call it, come at me!!!! I’m done feeling like I’m broken so just accept it already and start to know me as me and not as this bullshit image you’ve created in your mind to represent me!!” :D

Besides, acceptance or not, I’m always going to have the issues I have. I’ll always have a hard time understanding what people are saying when there’s too much going on, I’ll always get overwhelmed and burned out, I’ll always have meltdowns (something that is very hard to accept about myself), I’ll always make social blunders and misunderstand people, I’ll always be misunderstood, I’ll always struggle with things that come more easily for others. But I’ll also always see the world from a totally different perspective from everyone else, which I think really helps me in my art and ideas. And I have a lot of fun in life when things are going well, I’m really super passionate about so much and I think that’s because of my strong emotions and connectiveness to things. I have a fun childlike view of everything when I’m in a healthy place and I love that about myself. There’s a lot of really cool things about it, and some bad things too.

Sorry this is such a long answer. I’m clearly avoiding my school work…………. It’s been a long stressful weekend and venting a little felt good so thank you for this question that I have taken way far off track, heh heh.

I should probably be more “professional” in my answers to these types of questions since this is the field I want to specialize in eventually, but whatever. This is real life and real life is messy and sometimes you get mad about your baggage and curse a little. It helps to curse a little. ;)

Also I’m an oversharer, sorry! Autism is a big interest of mine and so is human behavior. So it’s hard to hold back…