#defend yourself from me. because I love you. and I don't trust myself. never go caving without it.

[firep0wder]

what is favourite i mean. who is. when. yeah you get it i hope

The boat boys hold a special place in my heart <3 they bite and chew and gnaw each other just like me <3 ultra autism I love when etho treats Joel's bloodlust like a really intriguing spectator sport. also impulse and bdubs are very good. Very fond of big dog !!!! Box my beloved. Ranchers are obviously sweet although it causes some confusion bc I (normie-dressing Just Some Guy) have a boyfriend (cool goth punk-influenced short king) and his name is Jimmy not the other way round.

[love-marimo]

Scary Dog Privilege (Zoro x Fem!Reader)

ー just a self-indulgent hcs where a protective zoro would absolutely do anything for u, even if it includes beating shitty men who would dare to even lay their hands on u.

also hi!!! it's been a while since i last wrote something. my asks are open if u want to chat or request something. ♡

cw: swearing, violence, attempts of harassment

one thing that zoro loves are duels. whether it's a friendly spar or a full on fight with an enemy ー he always gives it his all with no mercy. he is competitive to a T. after all, he is the pirate hunter. his bounty speaks volumes, and he made a pledge to be undefeated in his journey to become a master swordsman.

there is one thing he despises the most though.

it's when these fights involve you.

he trusts that you can protect yourself, and that you can turn down advances from men.

you told him countless times that they don't interest you. and that it's best to just ignore those flirtatious remarks you get whenever it happens.

but it shouldn't happen when he's around.

because oh boy, would it cause a scene.

like when you're walking together around town on an island your crew docked into, and there's a festival going on.

you decide to wear a tight shirt and shorts. it hugged your body well, and it was comfortable enough to wear on a humid night.

he doesn't mind you wearing revealing clothing. hell, you can wear a bikini bra and jeans like nami does and he wouldn't care, unlike a certain love cook who would go crazy.

anyway, you would get passersby to look over your way.

then you'd hear men whistling at you.

then it escalates to drunk men approaching you and ogling at you.

except it was a futile attempt because zoro's already in front of you clutching one of his swords, glaring and ready to attack anytime.

"go ahead. shoot your shot."

"what the fuck do you want from her?"

"need something?"

"what the hell did you say?"

yeah. they're not walking home unscathed tonight.

in some instances, there would be pirates who would take interest on you, and they're willing to fight your boyfriend on the spot.

"oh? someone's offended here. fellas, should we beat him up?" one would say.

"go for it boss! take the girl as a prize too!" one of their crew agrees.

zoro doesn't waste time so that they won't utter another word again.

he doesn't even need to use haki to take them down. only one sword would do the job.

and while you appreciate him being protective over you, you assure him that you can defend yourself just fine.

you would definitely get into a small argument about it.

"zoro, i'm not weak you know. i can defend myself just fine." you say while cleaning a small cut he got from fighting a random creep attempting (poorly and miserably) to make a move on you.

"it's not that you're weak. just let me do my job as your partner."

"i know that but still-"

"if you want to keep entertaining them, just tell me and i'll stop."

"are you serious right now? i'm just telling you that i'm strong on my own too!"

"exactly. that's why i'm asking you that."

you both went back and forth for a while until someone from the crew breaks it up (probably nami or usopp).

at the end of the day, you'll end up in each other's arms and you'll be thanking him for being your loyal scary dog. ღ'ᴗ'ღ

"i thought you didn't like me fighting for you."

"never said that. shut up" you laugh, kissing him on his cheek and feeling him smiling at that.

ー Lolita

[thebenjiblackwoodexpress]

The Blackwood Knight prt.8

Disclaimer: I wrote this because Victoria is a Shakespeare girlie and loves Romeo and Juliet. She also loves Crimson Peak, which inspired the last two parts.

Description: Benjicot resorts to drastic measures to win back his lady's trust and love, having accidentally placed doubt in her mind as to his true intentions.

Part 7

Playlist:

Gold Rush~ Taylor Swift

The Way I Loved You~ Taylor Swift

How You Get The Girl~ Taylor Swift

Adore You ~ Harry Styles

Warnings: female reader. Nothing else I don't think. Robb being an iconic twink with access to the blueprints for Bracken Hall and too much sass for Westeros to handle.

"Let me get this absolutely crystal clear in my mind. You described your union as 'mutually beneficial'!" Robb cried incredulously, striking Benjicot on the shoulder from behind, as he sat slumped onto a desk in the library of his ancestral seat. 

The glow cast by the lit lanterns, attached to the ancient stone walls, cast shadows over his face which bore signs of the deepest distress. 

"It sounds beyond reprehensible when you repeat those words, words which I most bitterly regret. I did not mean them in the way that both yourself and my lady have interpreted them, but it makes them no less acrid when you repeat them." He responded dejectedly, slumping his head once again upon the desk. 

Mumbling almost incomprehensibly so that Robb had to tilt his head down towards his friend to hear him. 

"What can I do to make amends? She hates me. I fear she will never speak to me again." 

Robb cast a contemptuous look at his friend before retorting. 

"You bloody fool. Not only did you make her sound to even my indulgent ears like a prize to be bartered between Houses, but you also did so with the very fiend from whose taunts you once defended her. Can you not see that you have made a shy, sweet girl who loved and trusted you feel as if the one person who she believed cared for her and would protect her above all others was nothing more than a cipher of the bullies she has sought to shield herself from?!" 

Seeing Benjicot's increasingly pained expression, as he roughly gripped his hair in both hands, Robb relented a little. 

"The damage you have done in your carelessness will be very difficult to remedy. You must show her that you love her and value her above all else. Words are not enough." 

Lifting his head, Benjicot's expression became resolved as he turned it to meet his friend. 

"I will, even if she will never again allow me to be in her presence," He struggled to continue, the thought causing him physical pain, "I must at the very least convince her that my love for her was never a lie. I cannot bear the thought that I have only cemented her insecurities. That I have born my own part in making her feel as if I mocked her...just like her contemptuous cousin." 

At this, he began to rise.

"I must see her." 

Perking up at this and slapping his friend approvingly on the back, Robb moved to lift his sword from the table and responded. 

"Glad to hear it. I'll get the Lads together and we can defend your flank whilst you hop over the border and get on your knees to beg your lady for forgiveness, you're favourite past time I know." 

Looking at him with mild irritation, Benjicot rose, placing a firm hold on Rob's shoulder. 

"Whilst I greatly appreciate the support, I must go myself. She's shy and frightened enough of me, after my misdemeanor, and I don't want you and your cronies scaring her off before I can even apologise." 

Laughing at this, Robb retorted smugly. 

"More likely you're afraid of her falling in love with me. Fear not, my interests lie in another direction entirely, but I'll hold off if you are determined. Of course Kermit will be devastated not to have a free shot at a Bracken, but I will assuage him." 

With this, Benjicot nodded at his friend before rising quickly and striding from the room, through the halls of Raventree as he continued to ruminate with anguish on the distressed face of his lovely lady and the part he had played in causing her distress. He would explain that he loved her and valued her above all else. That he meant every word he had said to her. That he would protect, serve and adore her if she would only let him, only forgive him. He would beg for her forgiveness, even if she could never herself love him again. It would be enough if she would only permit him to continue in her presence as a loyal knight.

It had been a day since Y/N had fled from the man she had come to trust and love, the only one she believed had ever cared for her and seen her as more than a shadow in the background of life....mistakenly. After Aeron had carried her back to her quarters in Bracken Hall she had locked her doors and allowed no visitors, barring her handmaiden. 

She spent the intervening hours between that of the previous days events and the advent of night on her balcony, her still pained ankle raised on a cushion on her chaise, as she read of Visenya. She was mentally and physically retreating to the shelter of her room and her books, determined never to open her heart to another person, as she had so foolishly done this time. She was silly to believe that Benjicot could love her for herself, rather than the political promise she could represent for him. She had trusted him where she had never invested anyone else with such trust. She had begun to gain in confidence in her dreams, her beliefs, and in his love, all for it to be shattered in a moment. Her embarrassment at having opened her heart to another person, to revealing herself so freely, where she was always so careful to be a shadowy presence in others' lives, was overwhelming, as she sunk further into her seat and further into herself. 

Wrapped in these painful thoughts, it was a few seconds before she heard a muffled voice calling her name from the direction of the dark expanse underneath her window. Rising carefully from her seat, using the pillars lining the portico of the balcony to balance herself as she moved towards the edge of it, she looked down to see the hopeful and desperate expression of the man she both hated and loved. Seeing her come into view, his face lit up with irrepressible delight, before quickly falling when she began to quickly turn away, book pressed protectively to her chest as she made to retreat to her room. She did not want to speak with him. 

Seeing her retreat, he quickly called out. 

"Please my love, please, I entreat you to let me explain what you overheard in the woods." 

Stopping where she was, she turned and moved once again back to the edge of the balcony. 

Speaking quietly and timidly, but not so much so that he could not hear her, accustomed as he was to listening for her quiet voice, she responded. 

"Please leave, I do not wish to speak with you now or henceforth. I can't understand why you are here now when you have made it abundantly clear that I myself am not what you seek. I would like you to leave."

Taking a deep, pained breath, Benjicot's expression underwent several changes before it became resolute and he stepped determinedly towards the pillar bolstering the balcony from the ground. 

Confused at his movements, Y/N became panicked when she realised he was climbing the pillar, frozen in position. It wasn't until he had swung his leg over the top of the balcony and had landed gracefully that she turned to flee, forgetting her injured ankle in the attempt, causing herself to stumble and hold onto a nearby pillar for support. Feeling gentle hands enclose around her elbows, she heard Benjicot speak quietly near her cheek. 

"Please don't run from me, my love. Your ankle is still injured. Please just allow me to help you." 

Looking down with concern at the ankle in question, he slowly, with great caution lest his lady should be offended, raised her arm around his neck and held her waist, fully supporting her weight so that he could place her on her chaise.  

Distressed to see his lady look away from him, her expression betraying embarrassment as well as displeasure, he knelt before her, bending his head low, before gently, reverently holding her hands in both of his own. 

"I will not disturb you further if you do not wish it, but I must convince you of the truth of my feelings for you and beg for your forgiveness for making you believe otherwise." 

Stopping him abruptly, Benjicot immediately desisted in deference to her speech, so important was anything she had to say to him, even if she meant only to order him away from her forever. 

Speaking quietly, she interrupted him. 

"I already heard what both you and my cousin said of me when you believed me not to be listening. I know that your protestations of love for me were all a ruse and that you were both in league together." 

Benjicot's expression betrayed the deep pain he felt at her response, drooping his head to rest it on her knees. 

"I can never apologise enough, nor beg for your forgiveness enough, for making you believe such a horrific notion. I had never spoken to your cousin of you before that dreadful moment, except when I first had the honour of meeting you. You were never just a bartering tool between us. I would break his legs if even tried to make such a suggestion. I had only meant to convey to him that I would repair the conflict between our houses so that in choosing me as your husband you would not also be choosing to abandon all that you knew. It is my mistake that I so brazenly worded my intent, my love." He added, casting his face down in desperation. 

"I have loved you since I first saw you sitting with your nose tucked into your histories under the Brackentree and have persued your love ever since. I have meant every word I have said to you since, and will continue to prove it to you in any way thay you will allow me."

His lady slightly turning towards him, Benjicot grew at once desperate and hopeful that she would listen to his entreaties, gripping her hands tighter in his as he raised his face to hers, hoping to convey the truth of his feelings in his eyes. 

"You speak very elegantly but I now know that you are so to all ladies and that this charade is not reserved for me alone." 

Reaching out to touch her face before quickly retracting his hand once he saw Y/N move away from him in discomfort, he instead responded. 

"Whilst I would consider myself to be a gentleman, there is only one lady I would traverse miles of enemy land and scale walls to get to." Saying this with a gentle smile, he continued to gaze upon her reverently. 

When she did not respond, he removed a brown leather volume from its place, stashed underneath his cloak. 

"I found this in my library and I thought it might be of interest to you." 

Hesitantly reaching to take the volume from his hand, she examined it before opening it. 

As she did so, he interposed "May I?" Pointing at the book. 

He turned the pages to an earmarked section, coloured with a rich illustration of a knight kneeling in homage before a queen. 

"This tells the story of a knight loyal to his queen above all else, swearing to protect, serve and..." He hesitated "love her for all of his life".

She gazed curiously down at the illustration in her hands as he spoke. 

"I thought you would like to have it, even should you order me away from your presence now. But I should like it to serve as an illustration of the devotion I feel towards you and as a reminder that I will always protect and adore you, even if only as your knight. Without any conditions. Without any expectation for you to love me in return. Just....let me adore you." He faltered staring up at her penitently, anxiously awaiting her response. 

It was a few agonising moments for Benjicot before Y/N raised her hand towards his shoulder, causing him to hold his breath lest he frighten her in his shock. Delicately placing her hand on his shoulder, she placed the other one on his other shoulder, causing him to subconsciously lean into her touch. 

Looking timidly away from him, she began to speak. 

"So you really did not mean that I was a...political tool." 

Leaning further towards her face, he quickly refuted such a notion. 

"I would thrash any man who suggested it. You are my lady, my love." 

Gazing into his eyes searchingly, she seemed to find what she sought in them, and leant her head gently upon his shoulder. 

Shocked, yet rejoicing at her affectionate gesture and in the comfort she seemed to look to from him, he lost no time in wrapping a protective arm around her waist, pulling her into his torso as he held her head gently in his other hand. Closing his eyes in relief, he held her like that for a few peaceful moments, scarcely believing that his love had forgiven him and that she had initiated their embrace. Taking it as a sign of the trust she had reinvested in him to protect her heart as well as her person, he solemnly swore in his own mind to guard it with more sucess than he had yet done as of late.

She pulled away too quickly for his liking, wishing as he did that she could always be so close to him.

"How did you even find your way here with impunity, let alone my balcony?"

Smirking at this, Benjicot threw his cloak dramatically over his shoulder to amuse her with his antics.

"I of course practiced great stealth, opting for a cloak and daggers approach."

Raising a disapproving eyebrow at him but with her mouth turned up at the corner, Benjicot rejoiced to have made her smile and to have amused her.

"In truth i just walked past the Red Ford and straight until i found Bracken Hall, i wasn't too worried about encountering any Bracken men. I'd just run them through if they tried to prevent me from reaching my Love. As far as finding your balcony goes, i was just blessed to see your pretty person upon it....and my good friend Robb also has an encyclopedic knowledge of Bracken Hall, having planned to storm it so many times." He added, slightly sheepishly.

Rolling her eyes at him, lightly swatting his chest.

"You're crazy."

Smirking again he rose to put his arm against the wall by her face, leaning his face towards hers.

"Crazy about you."

"And ridiculous," she added, laughing.

Reaching out to hold her chin gently in his other hand he leaned in further, before whispering in response "ridiculously in love with you", as his lips crashed onto hers, his arm moving to encircle her waist and support her weight as he did so.

Breaking the kiss, he stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, gazing up at her as if she were the sun. 

"Can i come and see you tomorrow?" He asked tentatively, unable to fully conceal his fear that she would still order him hence.

"I'd rather you didn't risk your life in such a dangerous attempt. I can always come to meet you."

Frowning at this, he stroked the back of her cheekbone with his nuckle. 

"You think i would allow my darling to cross that distance with an injured leg when i can cross it myself?"

Seeing her blush at his appellation, he smiled and reached forward to increase her blush by kissing the corner of her mouth.

"I think not. I have no fear of your Bracken bannermen. Although I do fear having to inform my disapproving lady love that i've despatched all of them because they tried to stop me from seeing her."

Benjicot walked away from his lady love's balcony that evening, not before blowing her a kiss, and silently rejoicing that she had forgiven him and permited him to remain in her presence and in her heart.

@lovebabe18-blog @poppyflower-22 @ithilwen-blackwood @spinachtz @lady-callisto @twistytimesandthoughts @abookloverlawyerfan-blog @mymoonempress @drwho-ess @dancingbaek @aemondslove @cheendrella

[taeyongdoyoung]

point of view

summary: you sneak into your ex-boyfriend's ship with the desperate hope to save your Jedi friends. but you discover more than you bargained for... pairing: seonghwa x reader x chan genre: space opera, romance (?), science fiction, fantasy warnings: morally grey characters, mentions of past crimes (unspecified but we're talking Anakin Skywalker level of crimes), betrayal, cheating (?), kissing, crying, just overall Star Wars setting with no clear-cut boundaries between good and evil author's note: the events are loosely based on certain scenes in Revenge of the Sith and the title is inspired by Ariana Grande's pov word count: 2.3k

The lightsaber glows brighter as you near your destination. All along, you knew it was a bad idea to infiltrate Darth Mars's ship all by yourself. But you have no choice. If you do not confront him yourself, you are afraid that your Jedi friends will be in danger.

Considering your history with Darth Mars, a small part of you still believes that you hold some kind of power over him. He is the one who taught you everything you know now about being a Jedi. He is the one who taught you how to fight, how to defend yourself and how to look after the ones you care about.

So, when he turned to the Dark Side, it was not only your heart that was broken, but also your trust. In him and in everything he stood for. He was the chosen one, for Force's sake...You have to admit, you miss him more than anything. You miss the man he used to be. You even miss your past self. The one who was not haunted by the consequences of his betrayal. The one who still had hopes for a better future for the Galaxy.

"Very foolish of you to come alone," Darth Mars, or should you say, Seonghwa, says, appearing from the shadows.

Bravely, you point the lightsaber at him.

"I taught you better than that," he scoffs.

"Have you?" you attempt to taunt him, because you know your fighting skills are nowhere near his supreme excellency. You can only use your mind and your tongue as a weapon.

"Did you come here to kill me?" Seonghwa chuckles lightly. "Go ahead, then. I don't intend to fight you, of all people."

"I have no intention of killing you."

"Pity. I was beginning to grow tired of it all. Even so, it wouldn't be in your style to kill me while I was defenseless. It wouldn't be honourable," Seonghwa spits the last word out as if it's dirty.

"What do you know about honour? You betrayed us, turning to the Dark Side. And for what? More power? What did you do that for? You left us, Hwa!"

"That's not my name," Seonghwa shakes his head in denial, still hiding beneath that mask. You feel so sad. You wish you could make him see...See how much he hurt you. See you.

You let go of your lightsaber, pulling his mask off.

Oh. His face is not like you remember. Filled with scars and burns and so much pain, as if reflecting the way he changed. Not just on the inside but on the outside, as well. No, you refuse to believe that. Some part of him is still your Seonghwa, the one you fell in love with. The one, that despite everything, you still love.

"Who did this to you?" you ask softly.

"Who do you think? My Master..."

"No, Chan would never...He loved you," you argue.

Chan is the Jedi who taught Seonghwa everything. Just like how Seonghwa taught you, the relationship between Master and Padawan is so special and sacred. But you cannot imagine that Chan would do something like that to Seonghwa.

"Fine, I did it to myself," Seonghwa shrugs. "We had a fight over our...differences. Things escalated and...well, let's just say a planet filled with lava is not a good place for exchanging blows."

You shake your head, still in desbelief. How could this go so far? How did you let it?

"Don't beat yourself up," Seonghwa grins darkly. "This would have happened with or without you."

"I never looked at Chan that way, you know? Not while I was with you, anyway."

"But you do now," Seonghwa states. Not really blaming you, just stating a fact.

"I do," you admit. "But I never stopped thinking about you."

"Not even after everything I did?" Seonghwa murmurs and is that...regret in his voice? You are unsure if he's still capable of that. Or any feeling for that matter.

"Not even then," you sigh.

"Why did you come here, Y/N?" Seonghwa needs to know.

"I came to beg you not to kill my Jedi friends. Leave Chan and the others alone. I would do anything you want. Just let them be."

"Would you stay with me?" Seonghwa tilts his head and in that moment, it's like you're back to when it all started. Deep down, he's still just a boy, desperate to be loved.

"I said anything, didn't I?" you insist. If this means never seeing your Jedi friends again, so be it. At least, they would be safe...Or that's how you delude yourself.

"Very well, then. I won't touch them provided that you don't go back on your word," Seonghwa promises.

You cannot believe it worked. You cannot believe he still cares about you enough to accept this. You never found out why he turned to the Dark Side. Seonghwa was never one to be blindly tempted by power. No, there must have been something else.

"If you wanted to be with me so badly, why did you betray us, then?" you can't go another second without knowing.

"What's the use in telling you?" Seonghwa replies sadly, turning away from you. No, no, he's shutting himself off again. Just as he was beginning to open up...

You grab his wrist as if possessed, forcing him to face you again.

"Please, tell me. I want to understand you," you plead with him.

"You died. You died in my arms and accepting the Sith way was the only way to bring you back to life. If there was another solution, I wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have left."

"W-what?" you are shaking, not capable of accepting the truth. "I was d-dead?! How did I not know that? How did nobody know?"

"Chan knew," Seonghwa grunts angrily and puts on his mask again. "He insisted on hiding the truth from you. He was certain that if you found out, you'd follow me to the Dark Side...And he couldn't let that happen. Said you have too much potential as a Jedi."

No, no, this can't be right. Truths and lies become blurred in your head as you struggle to decide what to think. Who to trust? Seonghwa? Chan? Yourself? You cannot tell what is real and what is false anymore.

"You don't believe me," Seonghwa guesses correctly. "That's alright. You can ask Chan yourself," Seonghwa tilts his chin forward, as if pointing to something, someone behind you.

In that moment, a bunch of Stormtroopers lead Chan into the room.

"What should we do with this intruder, Lord Mars?" the Stormtroopers ask.

"Leave him here with my other prisoner. I shall question them myself," Seonghwa replies, appearing disinterested. Oh, so you're a prisoner now? Even though you voluntarily offered to stay with him provided that your Jedi friends are safe. You feel so foolish all of a sudden.

The Stormtroopers accept Seonghwa's orders rightaway, leaving the the three of you alone.

"I'll give you two a moment," Seonghwa shrugs carelessly, locking you in the same room with Chan.

For a brief second, you wonder if he did the wise thing. But then you remember, getting on his ship was easy. Getting out? Sounds like an impossible ordeal.

"Chan, what are you doing here?" you ask furiously.

"What does it look like?" Chan replies. "I'm here to rescue you."

"Yeah, and how is that working out for you?" you hiss bitterly. "Now, we're both stuck here instead of just me."

"Did you seriously think I'd let you face him alone?"

"I told you I can handle myself!" you argue passionately. "You always do this. You don't trust me, do you?"

"It's not you I don't trust, it's him around you," Chan cries out in pain.

"Well, I'm not sure I can trust you anymore," you confess.

Chan shrieks back, as if stricken by your words.

"Is it true that I died? Is it true that you knew I died and you kept it a secret from me?" you want to know.

"Listen, I don't know what lies Seonghwa told you but he would have turned to the Dark Side with or without you."

"Funny, I never mentioned that's the reason he went all Sith. You just confirmed it yourself."

Chan gulps nervously, realizing his own mistake.

"How could you, Chan?" you shake your head in disappointment. "I thought you'd never lie to me."

"I just wanted to protect you."

"Protect me?" your eyes widen in disbelief. "From what exactly? 'Cause it seems to me that Seonghwa was the one protecting me."

"And it was wrong! He committed all these terrible crimes just to bring you back. He turned on all his Jedi friends. He turned on me!"

"So, you're saying you'd rather I stayed dead? Is that it?"

"Don't twist my words," Chan closes his eyes, pained to have this conversation.

"You have done that yourself," you murmur, feeling tired all of a sudden and go to the door, knocking as loudly as you can. "I can't stay in the same room with the other prisoner!"

Expecting the Stormtroopers to show up and move you somewhere else, you are taken aback when Seonghwa...well, he's currently looking more Darth Mars, opens the door himself.

"And here I thought I was doing you two lovebirds a favour," he jokes.

"Get me out of here," you respond angrily.

"You're in no position to be giving me orders, sweetheart," Seonghwa chuckles gently. You want to kill him. Or kiss him. You don't know anymore. Everything is so confusing. It hurts so much...

"Get me out of here, please?" you try again, knowing it will infuriate Chan. Oh, how he wishes it was him you were begging. To run away with him suddenly sounds even more imprudent than staying with a Sith Lord.

"Much better," Seonghwa acquiesces, takes you by the arm and leads you somewhere else.

"You'll regret this," Chan warns.

"You'll regret me more," you whisper.

To your further shock, Seonghwa takes you to his chambers. You are uncertain whether he trusts you that much or he's simply confident enough that you won't be able to try anything funny. To be completely honest with yourself, even if you did try something, you would never be able to defeat Seonghwa by yourself. Then again, examples of Padawans beating their Masters are not unheard of...But you are definitely not ready for such a confrontation. Not yet, anyhow.

Not only did you learn that Seonghwa turned to the Dark Side in order to save your life, but you also just discovered that Chan kept that a secret from you. And if Chan knew, then there was a huge chance other Jedi also found out the truth. Chan was never good at keeping secrets from the Jedi. But he seems to be great at lying to you. Thus, everything you ever believed in is put into question. What is right or wrong? What is true or false? What is good or bad? These notions seem so ridiculous to you now that you have no clue what you intend to do next. You can only hope that Seonghwa's sacrifice wasn't in vain. You can only hope to live long enough to find answers for yourself.

"He told you the truth, didn't he?" Seonghwa makes yet another correct guess.

"I tricked him into it," you smirk, somewhat proud of yourself.

"That's my girl," Seonghwa nudges your shoulder playfully.

"What do I do now?" you burst into tears, burying your head in his chest. "Everything I believed in is in shambles. I don't even know if I wanna be a Jedi anymore."

"That's alright. You can always join me."

"Join the Dark Side?" you eye him suspiciously.

"Dark, Light...isn't it all the same?" Seonghwa tilts his head to the side. You hate it, but he has a point.

"Do I even have a choice? You said I'm your prisoner..."

"There's always a choice," Seonghwa insists. "And maybe I'm your prisoner. Did you ever think about that?"

You take off his mask again. He looks away, as if embarrassed.

"Don't hide from me," you beg, placing a hand on his scarred cheek, making him look at you.

"I know I'm not as pretty I used to be..."

"Well, then it's a good thing I didn't fall for your pretty. I like your ugly, too. Wish you could see yourself from my point of view," you insist and kiss him, trying to convey all the mixed up feelings you're experiencing.

Maybe he saved you. Maybe he destroyed himself in the process. Maybe he has the power to destroy you, too. You don't care. Right or wrong, this is where you belong now.

"What do you want me to do with Chan?" Seonghwa asks after a while.

"Are you seriously saying you'd do whatever I asked of you?" you are still shocked to learn how much power you have over him...He may have full control of the Force, but right now, you have full control of him.

"Within limits," Seonghwa replies vaguely.

"Let him live," you reply cleverly. Despite everything that went down, you still care about Chan. Just as how you care about Seonghwa. Your feelings might be irrational. But they're yours. "He might be useful to you one day. Who knows? He might learn to see things from where we stand."

"We? And where would that be?"

"Like you said, Dark, Light...What difference does it make?" you smile at him.

"Hm. I knew you'd get it," Seonghwa embraces you, thinking you're joining his so-called Dark Side.

But there is no such thing. You're on your own side now. And after being lied to and betrayed to by those you considered your closest people, you realize the most important thing. In this Galaxy, you can only trust yourself.

And one day, just like how Seonghwa became stronger than his Master Chan, you are certain you will become stronger than Seonghwa. They both underestimate your power.

It will be their final mistake.

The End

[beelanddiavolosimp-blog]

I am bored and want to do more of my ideas/scenarios I've thought of for the demon brothers🤓

Context: I myself am a bisexual woman so I was wondering just how much the brothers know of sexuality and how they would react to a MC that is bisexual.

!This MC is female in this scenario!

Lucifer

He isn't too thrilled only because he will have even more competition when it comes to getting your attention or even your heart. He doesn't care for sexuality and stuff along those lines he is one for being yourself and sticking to what you want and think is best for you. That said when you do break the news to him his only reaction is to sigh if you were scared to tell him such information "do you really think something that small would bother me?" Is all he says completely unfazed.

Mammon

He's been to many parties and has seen women on women or men on men and those aren't him so why should he care? When you break it to him you are bi he stalls for a bit. Number one huh? The human likes even more people other than myself? He thinks. Number two he asks odd questions such as "does that mean ya can date both at the same time er somethin?" After explaining a lot he understands and never really was bothered from it in the beginning but as he sees your eyes linger on women he feels more jealousy rise up because he knows women are prettier than he is. (Not true I still love ya mams)

Levi

He is another one who doesn't care when it comes to that stuff he's seen many people in his anime fandoms fight over that type of thing and he ignores it because he has no interest in arguing over petty stuff. When he hears your confession he just smiles nervously and asks "well... please don't leave me for a pretty woman then..." And you have to comfort him saying you still only want him. His envy isn't too fond of this information but he still supports and loves you for you.

Satan

He has read many books on the subject of sexuality and gender and other terms. He himself tried to identify what he is but that only caused a headache cause he wasn't romantically interested in someone until you came along. Once you said what sexuality you were he just smiled and said he supports you. He already knew of what bi-sexual meant and he suddenly buys you many things and books with bi-sexual characters or the image of the flag on them. (Supportive king!)

Asmos

He is the most knowledgeable about all of that so don't even fret he knew what you were long before you told him. Even when you did he just shushed you and said "honey trust me I already know" and he goes about his day. He is open about his sexuality and often times begs Lucifer to let them go into the human world for pride parades so both you and him can show off your true beautiful sexuality proudly.

Beel

He of course has some knowledge from being around asmos so much so he knew a little. He doesn't care for others love lives so he was never judgemental and still isn't. When you told him he was just happy you trusted him enough to tell him. He fully supported you even though he was confused on some things but you and asmos help him out. He definitely protects you from homophobic demons or others.

Belphie

This man is constantly asleep so why would he have any knowledge of that sort of thing? Once you tell him it's a long drawn out process of him asking dumb questions. He eventually gets there and he even before couldn't care what you are other than his. He supports you and defends you but in general treats you the same you are still just his human bi-sexual or not. He still doesn't like when others learn this and more come onto you but it's to be expected you are a pretty human.

[kissingkiszka]

The Sweet Symphony - Chapter Eight: Dreams & Nightmares

Jake Kiszka x Reader series

Words: 3.2k+

Summary: Tour is just around the corner, and reader is letting her anxiety get the best of her

CW: MDNI, 18+, anxiety/anxiety attack, mentions of cheating, nightmares, angst, I guess abandonment and trust issues? I think that’s all but this is a pretty sad chapter I’m sorry in advance😃👍🏻

Masterlist

—————————————————————

"Good luck out there." you give Jake a confident wink. It's the fifth show on tour, and they're about to go on stage. He ignores you, turning back to his brothers. You reach for his shoulder, wanting him to look you in your eyes.

To your dismay, he pulls back, freeing his shoulder of your touch. He has his guitar clutched in his hand, tightening his grip with the fist he makes underneath your touch.

He turns to you, his voice laced with disgust. "It was a mistake bringing you here."

"What? Why?" confusion comes over your face. "Where is this coming from?"

"You're no longer a good fit for us, and frankly y/n, I'm starting to get quite bored of you." He waves his free hand in your face motioning you to get out of his sight.

"What do you mean? I thought we were supposed to make it?!" frustration fills your voice, and a lump forms in your throat.

"Go away! I'm supposed to be on stage any minute now!" he continues to shout at you in a way you've never seen before. His eyes are full of darkness and regret.

You begin to walk away before being stopped by him one last time. Tears rolling down your cheeks by the second.

"Oh, and I've been fucking so many other girls, all pleasing me much better than you ever have."

"How could you say that to me, Jake?" you swing around to defend yourself, but he's gone. He disappeared just like that.

You gasped for air, launching forward in your bed. You were in a full body cold sweat, still trying to catch your breath. You clutched your white duvet, trying to pull yourself back to reality, but nothing seemed to work. It felt like your whole world was crashing down on you. You couldn't lose Jake, even though he's still not yours to lose.You stumble out of bed and onto your feet, Reaching for your phone on your bedside table. Your legs are struggling to carry you to the bathroom. Is coming on tour with them a mistake? Is Jake even serious about you? Is he gonna find other girls on tour? Thoughts racing around your mind and you weren't able to slow them down. This man was beginning to consume your life. Unlocking your phone, you tell Siri to call Jake. You put the phone on speaker as you try to splash cool water on your face to help ground you. The tears are just not stopping their escape from your eyes.

"Hello?" you hear a half tired and half concerned Jake greet you over the phone. "Y/N? Is everything okay? It's 4 a.m."

You attempt to catch your breath so you can respond to him but fail. You wipe your tears, even though more just continue to fall.

"Are you alright? You're breathing really heavily." He questioned, his voice changing from a tired tone to a frantic one.

No Response.

"I'm on my way."

You don't even have a chance to say anything to him before your hand flies to the phone. Hanging up on him. Shit. You couldn't even get a single word out.

Jakes POV

I hopped in my car, not wanting to waste any time changing so I opted for a white wife beater and my handy gray sweatpants. I am worried out of my mind for Y/N. She sounded so distressed over the phone, I just hope I can help her through whatever happened. What really got to me the most was the fact that she had hung up on me. I'm not one to pray, but I found myself praying that she was okay. I raced to her house, getting there in almost no time partly because I did run multiple red lights and stop signs. I crossed my fingers that there were no police watching, and luckily I didn't come across any. I sprung out of my car, turning off the engine and slamming the door shut. I ran up to her front door and opened it with ease.

Huh, I thought I locked it.

I can hear her sniffles coming from her bedroom upstairs. I don't know what is going on, but no matter what it is, I have to be there for her.

"Y/N?" I calmly called out, letting her know of my arrival. "Sweetheart, what's going on?"

I watch as she timidly steps out into the hallway. She makes a point to keep her distance from me. Her cheeks are swollen and tear stained, her eyes are bloodshot and her body is slightly shaking.

"It's just me, baby, what happened?" I ask her in my best attempt at a sweet voice, continuing to approach her.

Her breathing is still unsteady. I need to do something about it. Get her to calm down. I approach her slowly and steadily, my arm gently resting on her lower back.

"Why don't we go sit down?" I gesture to her bed, guiding her to sit down. It'll be easier for her to tell me what happened if I sit down with her. I'm trying my absolute hardest to get her to open up, while also remaining calm. I hope it's working.

Her eyes jolt up to mine. She musters up the courage to croak out a few words.

"I had a dream..." she stammered. "You were in it and you, you...we were on tour and…" she hesitated. My grip on her back grew more firm to comfort her, but I see her scoot backwards in retaliation.

"Woah, what happened in this dream?" I pull my hand back. "You can tell me, I'm not gonna hurt you." I smoothly attempt to put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her once more with some added caution this time.

She sniffles, looking down at her feet. She takes a deep breath, and then stares directly into my eyes. "You told me it was a mistake bringing me on tour. You were hooking up with other girls. Jake, it all felt so real. Too real.” Her face scrunched as her tears grew into sobs.

I feel my heart break in half as those words leave her lips. I would never do anything to hurt her. I can't help but think that she is so beautiful when she cries. No matter what this woman does, she still outshines anyone else I had ever laid eyes on before.

She sobbed into my chest. I could feel her shaky breaths against my tear stained tank top.

"Y/N," I say softly, feeling my heart break even further. "I would never do that to you. That was only a nightmare. I would never, ever, hurt you."

I watch as she pulls away from my chest and gives me an unconvincing nod. She adjusts her position so she's propped up against her headboard and I follow suit.

"Here, grab my hand if you need proof. This is real, your nightmare wasn't." I offer my hand for her to take.

I feel my cold, large, and calloused hand intertwine with her warm, small, and soft hand. I give her hand a squeeze to help ground her. "I'm not going anywhere, darling." I whisper.

We lay there together for a few moments before her tears start to dry. She lets her hand slip out of mine and rolls over to face the wall.

"What's on your mind?" I softly ask her. I don't want to pry, but I know her thoughts are racing around a mile a minute in that brain of hers.

"Jake.." she starts. "I don't know if coming on tour with you is a good idea."

I feel a lump form in my throat. I need her there.

"Baby," I inhale a deep breath to prepare myself for the worst. "Why not?"

She sighs. "I just, my boss said it's perfectly fine if I go..." her voice becomes shaky. "But I'm not sure that I'm ready for this commitment."

If my heart wasn't broken yet, it sure as hell had broken now.

"I feel like you're making a mistake bringing me. You're going to regret it, I just have a feeling."

"A mistake?!" My eyes go wide. “I was 100 percent sure when I asked you to go, and I'm 100 percent sure that I still want you to go. There is nothing I would regret." I take a deep breath. "Sweetheart, it's going to be a blast. We're planning on taking a break in the middle of tour and going on a cabin trip. We will travel all around the country. I want you there. Hell, I need you there."

I knew I needed her there.

"I would love to have you there, not only so you can make my hair look all pretty, but so you can keep me company. It gets lonely on those tour buses, but really, all I need is you. Imagine us traveling the country together."

All I wanted was her by my side when I had to hit the road.

She remained silent for the next few moments. I just continued to lay there, ready for her whenever she wanted to speak. The air around us grew tense, and I have a gut feeling that my persuasion did not necessarily work. A pit of anxiety formed in my stomach as I waited for her to finally say something.

Her head sunk further into the pillow and I knew what I would hear next was going to ruin me.

"I need to think about it." She finally spoke up. "I, I just don't know yet."

I was absolutely destroyed, but I couldn't show it. I had to be strong for her and couldn't show her just how much I was let down.

"Take your time." I say with a disappointed nod. I felt guilty in a way. She thinks I would invite her, just to hook up with other girls and ultimately ignore her? I must be doing something wrong. I decided right then and there that I was going to get my act together and really show up for her.

"Do you want me to lay here with you for a bit?" My mind raced with thoughts. Did she want me to leave right away? Did she want space? Did she want me to spend the night? If she wants me to spend the night, could I fix all of this in the morning?

"Up to you." She shrugged unenthusiastically.

I laid with her for a few more moments. It was her house, it's not up to me to determine if I should stay or not. Her eyelids flutter closed and then soft snores came from her soon after. I was going to give her space. It was probably what she needed most. She needed to think on it and me being here wouldn't help her decision. Yeah, I could probably influence her to come with us, but I didn't want to mess up my chances. I quietly slipped out of her bed and made my way towards her bedroom door for the second time that night. Just hours earlier I was here, tucking her in. It felt like a dream, I knew it was too good to be true.

"Sleep tight my love." I whispered even though I knew she wouldn't be able to hear me. "I hope you decide to come, I don't know how I'll manage the tour without you."

I had only been with her for a little over 2 months now, but she had quickly grown to become the only thing I knew. I walked down her staircase, my hands filled with despair as they gripped the wooden banister. I left her home, making sure to lock the door on my way out.

Once I pull into my driveway, I waste no time opening the center console of my car and pulling out a blunt I had put there earlier-for safe keeping. The feeling of regret sunk into my bones as I lit the blunt in between my two fingers. Smoking was a habit I was trying to break, but this situation just called for a little something to help ease my stress. My fingers shake as I bring the blunt up to my lips once more. I squeeze my eyes shut as a few tear drops begin to roll out of my eyes. I couldn’t lose her. Not now. I hadn’t hardly known her for long, but she has begun to be the only thing I do know. I wouldn’t know how to live without her. I don’t think I could bear the tour, being a stranger to all these new cities without a familiar face by my name. Not just a familiar face, but a loved one as well. I attempt to dry my tears with my tank top. I had to remain calm.

I only managed to take a few hits of the blunt before I realized that the night had quickly slipped away and the sun was already beginning to rise. I put my blunt out way too soon, the high had just started to hit and I wanted to get just a little bit of sleep in before rehearsal later in the day.

I laid in my cold bed, thinking back on the whirlwind that was the past few hours. I mostly regretted leaving her there. I should have slept next to her, talked to her in the morning. Maybe I could have changed her mind, or encouraged her to go on tour. The 'what ifs' controlled my mind until the exhaustion took over my body and I eventually was able to drift off. I had seriously debated going back to her house, jumping back in bed with her, and never letting her go again. But this isn't some type of fairytale, this is reality. She asked for time to think, so that's what I'm gonna give her.

Y/N'S POV

You awoke the next morning feeling well rested. The entirety of last night felt like one big dream-or perhaps a nightmare. Glancing around your bedroom, you felt all too alone. Jake was nowhere to be seen. You figured he probably left after you fell asleep. Why didn't he stay though? It felt very unlike him to just leave. A part of you felt disappointed, you wished he would have stayed, and fought for you. But you had no right to feel disappointed either, you were the one who sent him free. It was his choice to leave or stay, and he chose leave.You spent the entire day worrying if you were making the wrong decision. You would have done everything to go on tour with him, and you just don't understand why you feel like this all of a sudden. Neither choice felt right. It was for the better that he didn't spend the night, right? You just needed to think, and weigh out all the pros and cons.

You decided to make some breakfast and listen to some music. Music was the one thing that always helped to clear your mind. As you reach for your record collection, your eyes dart to a certain record in particular. The Essential Elvis Presley.

It was something you were trying to avoid, but somehow you felt compelled to listen to it in that moment.

As you cracked an egg into a pan, the vinyl began to play one of your favorites. Love Me Tender. You listened to the melody and couldn't help but dance around the kitchen as your sunny side up eggs continued to cook. The most prominent thought in your mind was when Jake bought you the very record that you were dancing to. But more importantly, what he said to you as he was purchasing the record. His words echoed in your mind.

"Now everytime you play it, you'll think of me."

And you were doing just that.

As the song went on, you found yourself picking apart every single lyric. You were finding a way to relate each and every lyric to your situation.

"Take me to your heart for it's there that I belong and we'll never part."

You didn't want to part with Jake. You belonged with him.

"All my dreams fulfilled, for my darling I love you and I always will"

This tour was his dream. He wanted you by his side to further fulfill it. Realizing this somehow made your heart full and break at the same time. He just wanted love, he wanted you to love him. And it was somehow the easiest but the hardest thing for you to do.

As you were finishing up eating your eggs another one of your favorites began to play. Suspicious minds.

"We're caught in a trap, I can't walk out because I love you too much, baby, why can't you see what you're doin' to me when you don't believe a word I say?"

You once again found yourself listening closely to the lyrics and yearning for Jake. Daydreaming about him like a little school girl. But then, you realized, could you even trust him? You could find yourself relating every line of the song to your current situation once again. You couldn't walk out, you liked him far too much to leave him now. You were too deep in to leave.

You took a deep breath. Okay. You just needed to listen to Jake. Believe in him and his words. Just like the song said.

You snapped out of the song, your eyes jolting over to the clock.

Shit.

8:03

You were supposed to be at work 3 minutes ago.

Day by day went by, and the month before tour quickly became a week before you knew it. Your choice was still becoming clear. You hadn’t had contact with him since that night.

You were driving home from work, and you finally decided. This was just a risk you had to take. Once you pulled into your driveway, you reached for your phone that was sitting in the cup holder.

Your finger hovered over Jakes contact. You hesitated a bit, but you knew deep down this was the right choice. You took a deep breath as the phone rung a few times.

You were met with a voice after the phone rung a few times. You were soon met with Jakes voice.

“Hello?” He answered, his voice groggily.

“Hi, Jake.” You said shyly. “I'm sorry I kinda ghosted you. I really needed that time to think. So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And, um, I would love to go on tour with you. If you’ll still have me, of course.”

“Of course we’ll have you. I’ll have you any day.” You heard him smile to himself over the line. “And, no need to apologize for taking time for yourself.” He truly sounded sincere, and you couldn’t even begin to believe you even had the tiniest amount of doubt about him.

You giggled quietly, you were so lucky to have found him. Not someone like him. Him.

“Are you still good to be our hair stylist?”

“Mhm!” You exclaimed, more than ready to go on tour at this point.

“Good, good. We leave in a week, I don’t know if we would have survived without you to style our hair. Oh god, Josh already started planning on cutting his own hair. Can you imagine?” He laughed, thinking about his twin brother. The excitement built up in your stomach just thinking about being on the road with them.

“So y/n, you’re sure? You’re coming on the road with us?”

You nod to yourself, partly in disbelief at what your life is now and partly out of excitement. “I’m choosing the road.”

Tag List:

@gretnavannfleet @theweightofjake

[hitomisuzuya]

Heizou x fem! reader. Smut. Bondage. Use of handcuffs. Orgasm denial.

This for my beloved, treasured, dearest @kichikichiko ❤️❤️ you are amazing omg

One of Heizou's favorite places to fuck you was in his office after hours, especially after he finished a successful case.

Your fingernails were digging into the wood of his desk as thrust inside of you. You moaned, pushing your hips back to meet his thrusts. You were acting with urgency tonight.

Why?

Because Heizou was being a little shit.

Right as your orgasm was about to wash over you, he laughed softly and pulled out of you, leaving you breathless and panting. "Again?! Why, Heizou?! Why?!" You cried out, practically crying from being denied four times in a row.

Heizou rolled you onto your back on his desk, rubbing his cock between your legs teasingly, making your body twitch in agony. "This is hard on me to, darling, trust me. But your walls are clamping around my cock so well, you can't blame for wanting to enjoy that as much as I can, do you?" He kissed you gently, biting your lower lip.

When positioned himself to thrust back inside of you, you pushed him off of you. "Ugh, just get off of me, Heizou, I have had enough," you snapped, brushing away a few tears.

Heizou thought you were joking. The grin fell from his face when you started to put your clothes on, refusing to even look at him. "I know you get excited and can't help yourself, you are a man after all. And I love you, but you can be so mean sometimes."

Heizou was genuinely freaked out now. You'd never reacted like this before. "Look y/n, I'm sorry..." He stuttered. He didn't think he had ever felt so helpless in his thought process before. Something he always prided himself in.

It gave him his abilities to be a detective.

But more importantly, it gave him to the ability to woo and please you.

Getting up, Heizou put on his pants and followed you to the door.

You cut him off before he could say anything.

You see, you needed extra shock factor.

To disarm him.

What he didn't see was you grabbing his handcuffs off the hook next to the door. "Save it, Heizou. Come find me later when you are ready to grow up."

You started to open the door. Heizou pushed it closed. "Please, let me make it up to you," he scrambled with what to say again.

"Oh? And how to you plan to do that?" You raised an eyebrow at him, sidestepping around him without showing him the handcuffs hidden in your hand.

"Tell me what to do. Your wish is my command," Heizou said. He was ready for anything. Flowers? Dinner? Dancing? A new stuffed animal? Anything you wanted, you would get it.

"Heizou, you are under arrest," you declared, handcuffing his hands behind his back.

Heizou had to give you credit. You'd been so smooth and a brilliant actor. He didn't even notice you steal his handcuffs. "..You little minx," he chuckled, "And what are the charges? I have the right to defend myself in a court of law."

"Actually you don't," you replied, backing him up against his desk. "Orgasm denial is a serious crime, Heizou. One that has immediate and severe punishment."

You got down on your knees, and took his already hard cock out of his pants. You teased your tongue against the tip, looking up at Heizou, your eyes swirling with desire.

Heizou groaned, stroking your hair. "You know I always love it when you do that. This doesn't seem like a punishment at all."

You continued to flick your tongue along his cock, kneading the tip into his more sensitive areas. You hit every single one with total accuracy, making his cock twitch on your tongue.

"Fuck..I'm going to cum," Heizou moaned, trying to thrust into your mouth.

You pulled away, making Heizou whine, cursing under his breath. "I thought we were making up.."

"No, we aren't. I will tease you like this all night until you fuck me properly. Don't underestimate me, Heizou. I want to fuck you, I do. But you need to be put in your place. Now what's it going to be? You are in my custody and at my mercy. Weigh your options carefully," you said, rolling the head of his cock between your fingers, making him moan.

"You would leave here handcuffed all night, wouldn't you?" Heizou was desperate right now. All he could think about was how much he needed you.

"Well?"

Heizou could do nothing, his hands aching to touch you as you stripped in front of him. "What are your demands?"

"That I ride you to my heart's content. The handcuffs stay on, of course. You need to learn your lesson, so no touching from you," you rubbed up against him, making sure his cock barely grazed your cunt.

"You are evil, but I deserve it," Heizou quivered with anticipation as he maneuvered himself awkwardly to sit on his desk. He squirmed as your sank his cock inside of you, wrapping your arms around him.

He nearly passed out from the intensity of his orgasm. Maybe orgasm denial would become a more consistent thing if it meant he would be punished like this.

[anderperrylover]

WHY NEIL PERRY

CONTENT Warning - emotional traumas and childhood trauama - based on true experiences

I never thought I'd write this - but I wanted to write this because I thought it might be helpful...

So, this is a bit of a personal thing but ever since I sat down and watched DPS something struck me. I had denied it on my first watch but I couldn't ignore it when I rewatched it. My life in many ways mirrors Neil's. Mr. Perry's words gave me a sense of deja vu - because my dad had used the words on me too - Like you have more opportunities than I ever had - this acting business (writing for me) - - You can do anything after college (when you're on your own)

It took me a while to understand and fully grasp the toxicity of the relationship. Then I started looking back - and I saw things from a new light. I was a child and I thought that it came out of love (maybe it did - but I doubt that now - no child deserves emotional or physical trauma like that). I think that is the reason I constantly keep apologising for everything (even when I did nothing wrong)

The confrontation Neil has with his father hurts me but I am also numbed now - I am in a pit (following what my father told me to do) - I feel suffocated and sometimes I feel nothing and sometimes I feel everything - Honestly it hurts and guts me - I can understand where my dad is coming from but it still hurts - because they don't seem to understand anything about me - They want me to look at it from their perspective and they want me to be grateful - but they never look at things through my perspective.

If you've been through a similar experience - reach out. Find a friend to talk to. Find someonoe who you can trust - don't look for temporary distractions. Find your place and find your strength there - And if possible find distance (that has helped me big time - the distance allows me to maintain a better mind-set) - Meditate and keep fighting for the things you love. Find love and take a chance and seize the day (start with small things - like writing a blog or reading or listening to music).

Know that you're not alone; know that there are people you can talk to and know that you are enough. There are people that love you and understand you and they will be your family (believe me family is not about blood - sounds cliched now but trust me - FAMILY IS FOUND AND FAMILY REACHES OUT TO ONE ANOTHER - THEY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER AND THEY TRY TO LEARN FROM MISTAKES - THEY TRY TO HELP EACH OTHER)

Love, that is a place to start. Love yourself - love the little things in life and try to do something new (I started playing Pool it's something I wasn't encouraged to do because everyone kept on telling me that I'll tear the fabric - and I reconnected with theatre which is something I fell out of due to personal reasons - I didn't go for one audition because I had cousins coming over and I didn't want to inconvenience anyone - then they treated us badly and everyone blamed me for a breakdown - when I told them that I gave up for a reason a relative asked what and then they gaslit me when I said no one came to my defence when I had the breakdown by telling me that they always defended me)

I am eternally grateful for this film because it made me realise the extent of emotional trauma I had. It helped me see my strengths and find my own courage. It's never easy - Believe me it isn't, but you have to keep on fighting. You're incredible and talented and bold - find your courage and love yourself.

So, Neil Perry, thank you. You made me see the truth and love myself. Update - things have improved but they have a long way to go - I am still apologetic and my parents act like nothing happened - It is hard but at least there is temporary relief - It's not enough but for now - It's all I need

[guardian5tiger3]

What is ending currently for you and or surrounding you?

Tarot &intuitive messages 💗

Spirit guided me to put these as options so I don't know hopefully they work well for you guys :)

1💚

2🐝

3⭐

One. 💚

Ok for everyone here you've been having to defend yourself in some type of way.

Some of you , it's psychic attacks, some of you I literally heard you've been feeling like you've been being watched so a stalker that is horrible by the way and I've been there myself. Some of you you feel like you have to walk on eggshells at work when it comes to authority and it's probably been making you nervous.

Yeah so for everyone that is dying out.

For most of you because this was unjustified and caused an imbalance I see that many of you are going to have some good times socially and a few of you are going to actually party and have some lighthearted fun. Sweet!! Regardless though, balanced will be restored for everyone that had to go through this and it'll be different for everyone.

Two.🐝

I got the star and the moon so that is already super substantial. A lot of you are healing so then naturally what's ending is old wounds and things like that going away. Some of you are moving away from families that hurt you if that is your situation. You guys are moving into a place in your life where you will no longer feel so vulnerable and or like you don't have enough of whatever you might be lacking in your life. I see you guys did a lot of work on your inner self and some of you are pretty intuitive. Your subconscious minds do more than a lot of your realize but a lot of you know that much. Or you just allow yourself to act intuitively. Back on track you guys have done a certain level of work on yourself and racked up enough dharma (good karma ) to where your outer world is about to match that energy. Nice 👍🏼

Three.⭐

You guys are moving on from something and or someone is walking away from something and that could be them walking away from you. I feel like for people with that going on even if it doesn't fully feel like it you're ready for all of this to leave. But you also might feel robbed of something and some of you might question if you should have the energies not leave because of that or if you should go after them or turn around if you're doing the walking away. Well trust me when I say you guys are constantly building up something one way or another so don't even worry about it really forget the petty shit seriously you guys got a spiritual crown on ya heads. Spirit is also saying there might be some secrets that you will never know , there's just things that you possibly might never know about and that's ok. But really overall for this group I just see someone or something walking away from someone or something else and I really get the vibe they don't want much more information shared about this . I think this might be a lesson for some of you about inner strength and letting go and surrendering. Some of you have anger issues. That's ok just find a productive outlet if you can. 💗Y'all are loved.

☮️peace out everyone.

[smiggles]

This is gonna be abit of a mouthful, but I need to get it off my chest now that years have passed and we've (hopefully you have too) matured by now.

I once looked up to you, but that was a very long time ago. The trauma you caused me is irreversible. tbf I used to be a brat and if I could go back in time to backhand my younger self I would, I own up to that. But I was only a teenager, still growing and learning about myself and how to talk to others properly. Turns out I was pretty much autistic, so communication wasn't my strong point at all back then.

But even then, your two-faced behavior of proudly shitting on and bragging about how much money you were ripping off the furry community, the people who actively supported you, loved your work and paid your bills, was appalling. I had every right to call you out on it. Instead of accepting it was wrong, you sent your roommates out like attack dogs to fight your battles, defend your toxic behavior and harass me. Every time I blocked them they would find a different site to attack me on. I struggled to make friends for years after that incident, I felt I couldn't trust anyone because of what you guys did.

Years passed, and I genuinely hoped you had changed for the better, only to see a callout post during pride of all times, about your grossly acephobic attitude. I had friends who were blocked by you and didn't understand why. You need to understand your damaging actions have severe affects on real people, and when you make public apologies, the people who comment saying they forgive you don't count if they weren't the ones hurt by you. They don't speak for those affected.

I'm not looking for an apology, even if given one I probably wouldn't accept it after all the damage you've done to me. I have zero interest in you being in my life again. I just wanted to give you this perspective to get it off my chest and for you to mull on, I want you to use it to improve yourself as a person moving forward. See the wrong in your actions, how badly it affects others, and make the choice to make things right.

But that's up to you now.

Hey, I know who this is an I want you to know that I think about you often.

Read more below

Sometimes your stuff shows up on my feed or someone shares something with me that youve made because we have common interests and I think to myself Im glad theyre doing well and I hope youre surrounded by people who support you. I dont say this as a way to like Save face because this is a public anon. I would say this to you in private if I could. I was a very nasty person years and years ago and no apology will take back the pain Ive caused others from that. Especially not you. But I am sorry. I wish things could have been different. I do. For the acephobia. Yes. I was acephobic and horrible about it. I hurt a lot of people from that and cant ever take that back but know that Ive learned a lot about how to treat others and unpack the internalized hatred towards my own ace'ness and how others present themselves. I also want to say I never sent my roommates on you. That was a choice they did on their own without my knowledge. I never ever want someone to go after anyone on my behalf and while it is likely hard to believe that those who have known me these past 5-6 years can vouch that as true. I have on multiple occasions asked my friends to leave people alone I end up disagreeing with. I never name drop people I dont get along with. I dont even tell people besides my very very private close friends about what happened between me and you and that might be about 3 or 4 people at most. As for blocking? I block very liberally LOL and its almost never personal. I block people for the smallest things just to curate my social media experience. If you ever wanted to reconnect and try again Im here. And I have no hatred in my heart. I have held myself accountable all these years for things I should have done better. Handled softer. In the end Truly. Im glad youve made a beautiful career out of something you love and no matter what happens between us I hope you continue to thrive. With all my heart.

[the-offside-rule]

Dennis Hauger - If Or When

Requested: yes

Prompt: messy breakup with Hauger

Warnings: cursing, toxic

Breakups were always hard and there was no doubt about it. For Y/n it hurt on a different level mainly because Dennis didn't seem to care. Even though her friends would tell her that he did care deep down, he hid it well. This all happened after Dennis went to a house party with a few of his friends, a party Y/n didn't go to. She didn't mind him going to parties because she knew his friends wouldn't let him be stupid. During this party, a girl recognised him and asked for a photo so he just gave in and went looking to have a good night. While they were taking the photo, the girl leaned in and kissed his lips and snapping the picture at the exact moment she did. He didn't waste a second pushing her off and leaving. Y/n understood when Dennis told her. She got how girls worked but the way Dennis tried way too hard to kepp her convinced had her thinking that Dennis had done something.

"Okay! You've explained it and I said I trusted you! Now that you're defending yourself even when I've told you I trust you did nothing wrong makes me think that you actually did something with her!" Dennis threw his hands up in the air and let out a loud, annoyed groan. "But I didn't do anything!" he whined. "Oh my fucking god! I know! I've said I believed you and you rambled on and on about it!" Y/n said. "And now? Do you still believe me now?" Y/n nodded. "You're lying to me." Y/n's mouth fell open. "Did you just call me a liar?" Dennis held back his next words, not wanting to evoke anything. "Repeat your statement please." She stood up and walked towards him calmly. "Dennis, just repeat what you said." He let out a sigh and repeated what he had said. Y/n didn't go off, she just chuckled to herself, letting a tear roll down her cheek. "I would do many things Dennis, but lying isn't one of them."

"W-where are you going now?" He asked as she reached for her schoolbag. "I'm going. I'm not gonna stay here and have you accuse me of being a liar." and since then, they hadn't been the same.

They still followed each other and liked each other's posts. Texting from time to time but not too often. Things just went downhill. Her friends kept bombarding her with questions about the sudden distance between the two. She kind of just shrugged it off and pretended nothing was wrong until she was alone with Dennis at his house. They hadn't said other than hey and didn't even speak.

"Do you want some food ordered?" Y/n asked looking up from her phone. "No thanks babe." There was a silence in the room, the occasional sound of the buttons on his controller was the only sound in the room, until he spoke up. "Why aren't we talking?" he asked. Y/n blinked a few times before sh e shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, you tell me." she replied coldly. "Babe, is it over that girl that kissed me?"

"No! Well maybe- no actually." she stuttered. "Then what is it?" he asked setting his controller aside. "You were just so persistent of the fact that you didn't do anything, even though I said I believed you." Dennis didn't know what else to say. "It made me look suspicious." She nodded. "Dennis, I think we should-" He stopped her. He knew what she was going to say. He didn't want to lose her. "Y/n, no." he said standing up. "Dennis, this past month has been horrible-"

"We can make it better!"

"Dennis, just a break-"

"I don't want a break babe!"

"Dennis!"

"Y/n please!" his voice broke and he was practically on his knees begging. It broke her heart to see him this low or desperate.

"Look, as much as I myself hate to admit it," she paused to take a deep breath in. "you might not be the one and I'm not going to sit on my bed, crying that I'll never find my true love because I know he is out there somewhere. I'll sit on my bed crying a little because it isn't him, it isn't Dennis." She wiped a tear that fell from her eyes and stood up again. She went to walk away but felt a hand on hers. "If we can get back together, will we?" Y/n smiled sorrowfully. "If. That's a weird word, isn't it? It implies that it might not happen." He let her hand slip out of his and watched on, holding the tears in as he watched her walk away, out of his door and therefore, out of his life

Whether it was for forever, now that's a different story.

[solarisdog]

My wife @synthized has already said her side of shit and it ain't my place to come on here and support that, 'cause I ain't a victim. I'm just an ''outsider'' that saw J's decline from all the hell solarisgod put her in.

I've been enraged for years over this but J told me to hold my tongue ( 'cause I ain't afraid to unleash it ) as to not stir the pot. That's fine. Her choice. But my anger in sending this post here, I've already directed one to Solarisgod themselves, is the written up and disgusting lie that myself and Luan ain't actually real people. This is in the revised document they have put on @solarisgod That we just sit inside J, controlling her brain or something. A DID disorder that Solaris threw onto J, through their messed up narrative.

Imagine being with someone, love of your life even, you get to touch them every day. Hold them. You see them go through so much fucking hell and you are THERE for them. Physically. Real world shit. Not whatever mirage Tumblr conjures up today. And then someone telling you over and over and over again, along with all other kinds of emotional manipulation, mental attacks, gang stalking, grooming allegations, lies, lies, lies, that your partners?? Are actually a figment of your imagination.

J got to a point with all this, which she don't like admitting, where she resorted to self-harm and borderline psychosis from this. She pushed myself and Luan away, in a mental response to how Solarisgod AND her fucking demon goons, were targeting her. Every day. Every movement watched. Over, over, over again. @lucidxxdreamer can attest to this, who was also present in watching J losing her fucking mind and not knowing what and who was real.

I'm very real. J's husband is very real. We are a real relationship. ''Throuple'' or whatever. I've been blocked by this disgusting stalker, thankfully, but seeing as they are obviously checking out this blog, I wanted to say my piece here. My anger in this holds no bounds, and I really gotta reign my shit in to how I really feel about this. Solarisgod would hate for us to be real, 'cause it means the person that they wanted to date, was obsessed with, stalking, all that psycho-crush shit - that was rejected, was never available to begin with. The chipping away at J was almost a success and I hate that. I hate Solarisgod for what they had done to our wife.

I could write a damn essay on what me and Luan had to witness, but my words wouldn't be pretty.

I'm glad you approached J for her side of shit. It's the first ounce of comfort from this hellhole experience she has had for nearly 3 years. I'm appreciative of all you. Other people are able to come forward with their own experience now. Which is great.

I'm saying this, not for clarification for me, J, Luan. We don't have to defend shit. But so others are aware of the stories being painted. Planned out. Interlaced with their friends collaborations. Watch yourself. The story you have with Solarisgod ain't gonna be the story that they share with all her minion pals, trust me.

I feel your anger and frustration. I am very very sorry for the pain and suffering that you all went through. I know that this blog cannot take away that pain and it cannot give those years back to you, but I do hope that you find peace in knowing that you are not alone in these feelings. I am very happy to have had the opportunity to talk to J about it. I appreciate that she was willing to let me tell her story alongside others. She is a very brave person, because despite all that pain she went through she still told her story here without knowing whether anyone would take her side. I appreciate you coming to tell your side of the story, I cannot imagine how hard it has been for you. Thank you again.

[blursed-ninjago-ideas]

Whumptober 2

Decided to let myself have some Kairro. It's been ages since I touched that AU and every time I do it feels self indulgent. Don't know why, a lot of people seem to really like it.

Prompt: "They don't care about you."

Randomly Selected Whumpee: Kai

Selection method: Asked a student I passed in the halls to choose a number.

TW: Blood mention, manipulation

--

“How many times do I have to beat you over the head with it!? They. Don’t. Care. About. You.” Morro snarled.

Kai raised his bloodied face and debated what comeback to use.

“I don’t know. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not going to let you use your paranoia against me?” Kai said, his lip dripping wine red drops onto the concrete.

“They’re your abandonment issues.” Morro countered.

He was calming down and changing tactics. Probably realized that Kai’s temper had gotten the best of him again.

Morro made an excellent mirror to show Kai how ugly his anger could get if he didn’t control it.

“As if you didn’t have any of those yourself.” Kai laughed, wincing from the pain it caused him.

He just had to buy enough time for the others to find him. Nya was going to turn the whole room into a water park as soon as she saw Morro.

The trick was holding the line against the emotional manipulation. Hard to do when the manipulator lived in you head so long he left some of his things in the guest room.

“I left Wu, remember?” Morro said.

His smirk had Kai convinced he was looking at a mirror for a moment. It was to be expected. It went both ways after all.

Kai knew why Nya looked at him like a stranger sometimes. She never said anything about it, but Kai saw her every time she did it.

It had an effect.

Kai had slowly stopped bragging after Lloyd was forced to admit that he sounded more like Morro when he did it. When all of your friends get noticeably uncomfortable every time you get excited that you won a video game, you stop commenting on it.

Kai wondered how he used to sound when he would brag. How was it different? Did Morro get that trait, or did it disappear? Which one of them had “stronger” bragging mannerisms? If Morro got his way and they fuse, who would they sound like?

Would they sound like Kai when they told jokes? Would they keep that smirk, or would it disappear?

“And I never trusted anyone else long enough to get left behind.” Morro finished, yanking Kai from his thoughts.

He couldn’t think of a good retort. It had only been half a second, but Kai’s mind had wandered miles away from the conversation. It must’ve shown on his face, because Morro snarled again.

“I see you don’t have my focus.” Morro said sarcastically.

It wasn’t Kai’s sarcasm. It was a difference they still had.

Morro grabbed Kai’s face and dragged him up.

“Listen to me. They are waiting for the chance to get rid of you. You serve them now, but what happens when you get annoying? Too angry?”

Morro leaned in so close, Kai could smell the strange ghostly scent his spirit had.

“They will leave you.” he whispered.

“Like my parents?” Kai said with an eye roll.

He saw where Morro was going with it and he was sick of the line of thought.

“If the people biologically programmed to love you couldn’t manage it, why do you think they can?” Morro said as he dropped Kai.

Kai scrapped himself off the ground.

“Because they’re good people.”

“And your parents weren’t?” Morro said with a predatory grin.

Kai shivered and looked away, but he had thoroughly been caught off guard and didn’t have a response.

Just when he thought he had control of the conversation; that he had everything guarded, Morro came at him from an angle he didn’t think of and crawled under his armor. It was how it work from the very beginning.

“So, we agree he doesn’t ‘deserve’ to be the Green Ninja?”

Kai shook his head clear.

“So you don’t think your parents were good people?” Morro asked in a mocking voice.

“I-” Kai could only make the one sound.

“Because you’ve always defended them to Nya. You wanted to be a blacksmith and continue their legacy. You honor them every year on the Day of The Departed.” Morro continued.

“I do.” Kai whispered.

“That doesn’t sound like you hate them.” Morro said.

He was leading Kai to something. Kai didn’t like it, but he didn’t know how to break out of it.

“I don’t.” he confessed.

“But you should.” Morro pointed out.

He sounded so much like Kai’s therapist when he said it. It make Kai’s breath shake. He didn’t like the conversation. He wanted Morro to go back to trying to convince him the other ninja didn’t care about him.

“You should, but you don’t. Is that right?”

Morro didn’t give Kai a chance to answer.

“Then wouldn’t it be a good thing if I could hate them for you? If I could be angry for you? Then you can hate them like you should!”

Kai covered his ears. He knew what he was feeling. It was the same thing as the first time.

“He didn’t ask to be the Green Ninja. We did! Destiny passed up not one, but two perfectly good options to force the responsibility onto a child. That doesn't seem fair. You’re right, he doesn’t ‘deserve’ that! We could not only take what we worked so hard for, but relieve Lloyd of all that pain. That’s a good thing, right? We could work together and fix it!”

That sinking feeling that Morro was making sense. Scrambling for an argument, but nothing making as much sense as Morro’s words. Desperate to not agree, but finding no other thought in his mind.

Kai could only bite his lip and hope his friends were just around the corner. He wasn’t holding out for much longer.

--

That was just pure fun to write. I'm glad I did this.

-Ivy

[gracegrove]

I joined this fandom last summer, at first it was a bit confusing for me because I hadn't really participated much in fandom 'per se' prior to this. I participated in other fandoms but in rp capacities prior to this, and so if I heard about disputes it never seemed to leach down into the rp factions that I was a part of much.

That being said, when I first got here I saw posts from users going back and forth about Billy's sexuality. (I was not yet in Harringrove I was just doing reader x writing initially)... And it confused me as to why it seemed like there was just this notion of dug-in positions about it.

Having simply watched the show and just coming online green, and myself being cishet... I figured yeah Billy and every other character, at least in my own reality, were straight. Because that's always what gets portrayed...

I also noted in myself feelings of anger and defensiveness. And I couldn't understand truly what I was getting angry or feeling attacked about. Because ... there was nothing to feel attacked about. Truly. Why did it even matter?

There are just a few things that I can say I'm truly grateful for from my current academic program. But one of them is the required Diversity and Cross-Cultural Psychology course.

Something I learned, when I took that course, was that when I started getting these feelings. Feelings of being attacked, defensive, or misplaced anger. Nearly 10 of 10 times, we were discussing privilege topics. Whether it was race or gender or sexuality or ableism. A topic would come up and like instinct, my hackles would just kick up.

I had to learn to ask myself, to check in with myself. Is this actually threatening to me? Is this actually harmful to me? Harmful to anyone else? Also nearly 10 of 10 times the answer was, 'no', and it was just this gut reaction. As if my brain was pushing back, to say "don't say everyone x has x privilege... that would make me bad. I don't want to be bad. how dare you." And I realized, recognizing my privilege and the anger and insecurity it makes me feel is not about lashing out or defending against. It's not about others trying to make me into 'the bad guy' or making me feel guilty or 'what about me?'

It's about shutting up. Listening. Recognizing that the world doesn't revolve around yourself and just the majority group or groups that you have the privilege of belonging to.

Truly, if I hadn't realized this. Started practicing. Built this system and recognition to check in with myself when I'm disproportionately feeling like I'm being called out or made fun of or whatever else, when in reality that isn't what's happening...

I wouldn't be able to participate in this fandom. I'd be too busy choking on my privilege. I'd also be lonely as hell. Trust me, there are very few people who fully believe with their full chest that Billy is hetero and the more posts I read the more I was like "huh.... this is making more sense when I check my bullshit at the door."

I'm really glad to be here, and it took work to be here. And it will probably take continued work. And it's sad that others cannot recognize that because this place is so lovely and the people are so kind and beautiful.

[mareenavee]

Criminal asks! *grabby hands*

8, 15, and 22 please :)

Maple!! I was half wondering if you'd made this ask game before I saw the actual post this morning LOL. They seem like your kind of discussions, and I'm here for it.

Thank you for these!

From this caustic ask game right here.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

We're all entitled to our opinions, but I refuse to believe Ondolemar actually wants to be a Thalmor. He does some real RIEKLING BEHAVIOR SHIT in the Embassy for you if you get some bard or whatever arrested for their Talos-flavored nonsense. (Please, I hate this quest as much as the next person. I'm definitely live and let live ambivalent about Talos nonsense.) Granted, to get him to help here, you yourself have to not be a [redacted] idiot with the vocabulary of a Riekling yourself. :>

If he agrees to help you, then you get this gem of a conversation five feet from Elenwen, who is, presumably his superior:

Ondolemar: "How dare you speak of the Thalmor in such a disgusting manner!" Razelan: "What? I didn't... hmm? No listen, you must have misunderstood... I would never openly insult your... that is to say..." Ondolemar: "Your insults and provocations have gone far enough! I'd kill you where you stand if I wasn't bound by my oath as an officer of the Aldmeri Dominion."

This is Riekling Behavior. It is Causing Problems On Purpose for some [redacted] just because they helped with a simple quest he could have definitely thrown his power around to accomplish without thievery and tomfoolery.

To my eye he wanted to see if you, the player, were willing to throw away all reason to help him, and do so without getting your ass caught and thrown in jail. He needs people who can manage simple tasks without getting the entire government involved so he can trust you in the future. For what? Very out of character to LET IN RANDOM PEOPLE to secret Thalmor business in a secret Thalmor unjoinable faction.

He does not want to be part of this and/or is trying to do something about them. Bet. (Anyway thanks for coming to my TES talk.)

15. That one thing you see in fanart all the time

Hmm. I am usually in awe of fanart to be perfectly honest. But I suppose, and this is likely my very Aro/Ace brain, if I see a lot of fanart of pairings of OC/NPC, and I can't tell what the OC's deal is outside of who they are paired with -- ie, set aside, they have no personality at all on their own, then I'm going to be a little less likely to give the art attention. I want to know who the characters are, not just who they're [redacted.] Ya know what I mean? Sorry that's pretty blunt but it's true. I think this is why my favorite fanart is from or for people whose characters are part of a larger work -- ie a comic or a fanfiction. So I can understand the character.

This is specifically about fanart of pairings with no story other than x OC is with x NPC, that's it, that's their story. I am usually still in awe of just OC artwork, or just NPCs. And yeah there's always going to be exceptions but the question brought to mind maybe three artists I find myself bored of seeing work from LOL out of the hundreds I do love to follow.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

...Am I allowed to say Athis here?

Okay so. I don't think I have to defend him to you, Maple lol (: But for others who may be out of the loop -- we stan a good Athis and we just want him to make something of his life. Yes, yes.

Anyway he exists. He's that one elf dude in the Companions? That one, yes. He was a shell of a character, yes, in Vanilla. He also looks a bit... We'll just keep our opinions on the vanilla art direction to ourselves in this case. Anyway it's little wonder he's been ignored...

But yes, please, you're ignoring a favorite bean, friends. Write more Athis. I don't even care how you write him, but please. Join me in the tag. LOL he deserves attention.

I picked him for World because he was a shell character and due to the project I've become enamored of all the iterations that could be. So ... join me in the brain rot. Yes, thank you.

[compassionatereminders]

Not expecting advice or anything, just getting some stuff off my chest. TW for mentions of suicide (I am currently safe and relatively stable, dw)

I recently had basically my entire life uprooted all at once, lost everything, a long-term serious relationship and most of my close friends, all over one tiny misunderstanding that got out of hand (in retrospect I've realized they were an extremely unhealthy group to be in, being an outsider has kind of opened my eyes to just how toxic their behavior, and mine too because I was part of it, was. Not just within the group but towards so many other people. I feel disgusted at myself for not realizing it sooner and putting my foot down. I guess it's karma, now I'm the one who's suffering at their hands.

But even with how toxic they were, they were still my best friends and losing them was hard.)

It's harder to try to stand back up from that than I know how to put into words. I've tried to end my life more than once since then. I keep trying to rebuild my life but I don't know how to. I'm trying so hard to find things to be passionate about but I can't feel excited or lastingly happy about anything anymore. Not only that but my ex and my former friends keep spreading horrible lies about me and everyone believes them. I get banned and ostracized everywhere I go, and almost every day I find out more people I thought were my friends have cut me off without a word because things they've been told about me. Any time I try to defend myself it gets used against me so I don't even bother anymore. I wish I could just "log off" but disability makes it extremely hard to navigate the real world.

I suppose I'm getting better at coping and I haven't been suicidal in a while. I have a small handful of friends left who have stood by me and I know I can trust and who won't backstab me at the drop of a hat and I love and appreciate them more than I can describe.

But at the same time it feels like I'm just existing. I'm afraid something has permanently broken in me and I'll never be able to be truly, lastingly happy again.

That's how it feels when something or someone breaks your heart, and it often takes a long time to put yourself back together and rediscover joy. But the fact that it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it isn't happening and that you'll always feel this way. Healing will come, and you will find a way to move on. I don't mean to invalidate how terrible the start of such a journey can be and how hard it can be to keep pushing forward, but I promise you that this isn't actually the end for you. It is terrible that this is happening, but you WILL find your way through it. And in the meantime I'm sending my love!