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dodo-begone · 4 years ago

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Ugly Fuckling

Pairing: Yandere!Xisuma x Reader

Request: mmm for requests: some soft yandere shit with any character, maybe??

Word count: 3.9K

Warning: yandere, cursing, depression (?), Anxiety (?), angst (to comfort), dissociation

Part 2 for this is Now Listen Here Sad Bitches - Stop Being Sad

If this EVER looks funky/glitched (which it def is now) I have this up properly on Ao3.

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The shopping district made you uneasy. Life just seemed to course through the area. Even without anyone actually being there to give it the energy. It was cramped though; everything was practically on top of each other. Yet it gave such a homey feeling. Like everybody who made the buildings actually liked each other; they all were a representation of how everyone was different but still similar to a family. Standing in front of all of the shops made you feel intimidated. Small, insignificant, inadequate.

You start your journey through the district, looking and giving every build the attention it deserved. It was all in an attempt to imbed everything into your memory. After all, you wouldn’t be around for much longer. Someone like you, who was so alien to the server, shouldn’t just try and worm their way into such an amazing community like this. Especially when they have nothing to offer for said community.

You hadn’t realized where you were walking until you stood in front of Grian’s barge. It was so gorgeous and well made. Grian told you how it began as a small little boat build and progressively grew to the giant floating market it is today. The story was awe inspiring; like an ugly duckling, it grew into something majestic after starting at such humble beginnings. Yet it did little to lift your spirits now. Yeah the barge started as a simple build, but it was still beautiful in its tiny state. And Grian had the talent and skill to make ginormous and intricate builds. You had neither of those abilities.

Slowly you made your way closer to the barge. At the entrance there were numerous posters all bunched together on a post. All for the mayoral campaign. They were so cute, each having a unique look. Representing their mayors very well. But Scar’s. Oh Scar’s was just elite. It was a plain wooden sign; a small but even more unique technique when compared to the others. Nothing beat some good ole fashioned petitioning. You let out a small giggle at the sight of Scar’s sign next to the others. It seemed very out of place. Seemed like a solid representation of you with the hermits. And at the same time it reminded you so much of the Dream smp.

The Dream smp… your old home. Calling the dream smp home feels wrong; you barely felt safe there, but you knew that you were wanted there. Even if just a few actually cared about you, loved you. You fit in so much better there. Your horrendous builds could easily blend in with the others or better yet, stand out amongst the surrounding disasters to look semi-decent. Yes there were actual beautiful builds, just like any other server, but they were few and far between. Those builds were under constant threat of being griefed or destroyed, just like all of the others. Yet everybody seemed mostly okay with it. They would be upset when it would be destroyed, like any normal person would. But they only had two options when presented with the rubble; pick up the fragments and rebuild from the ground up or forever abandon what was once a masterpiece.

With the hermits, there was order there. The chaos was controlled, which was an odd concept to you. Chaos on the Dream smp ran rampant, destroying anything in its path. And there even seemed to be a “type” of person that was deemed a “hermit”. Thought it was hard to pick out something that everybody had in common. But you knew one thing; you didn’t fit the description of a hermit.

On the Dream smp, everything was always on the brink of destruction and very tense. Things could change on the flip of a dime. Nothing was guaranteed. And yet you still wanted to go back there. To feel wanted, important, enough, to be validated. To be so much more than you were with the hermits. With the hermits, you were only an imposter; everything they said to or about you was a lie. Had to be a lie. Why else would you be like this super kinda and incredible person? The person they were describing wasn't even you. It was a whole different person, how could they not see that?!

Leaning against the outerwall of the barge, you slowly slide to the ground. You start a panoramic view from your new position. It only made you feel worse; you felt detached from your body. Like you were watching a movie of you and your life from an outsider’s view. But you had control of your body and could still kinda see through your eyes, which made it feel even weirder. So more like you were walking through a movie that you weren’t made for; a real person wandering the domain of a cartoon show.

A shaky breath breaks it way through your lips. Trails of tears soon start to trickle down your face, slightly obscuring the view you had. Suddenly the world becomes too big yet too small. Much duller, less important. Everything became too much yet not enough all at the same time. Soon the feeling overwhelmed you so much that you broke down into a sobbing mess. The wanted to hide your face in your hands and knees hung over you like a tsunami wave, but you knew you shouldn’t. These were your last moments and views of the hermitcraft server. Even if you couldn’t see clearly anymore. Any view was better than no view. You tried to muffle your cries; do anything to stay silent and unseen. Nobody really wanted to deal with a crying person. They just felt obligated to.

God you were such a burden on all of the hermits. You could barely support yourself with your shitty little farm. Barely any food was produced. And the hermits kept giving you stuff: ores, food, weapons, armour, just about anything you could think of. Golden carrots, golden apples, elytras, diamonds and netherite were the gifts that made you feel the worst. These were such wonderful, valuable, and useful items. Nobody would give them out for free, even to a friend. Especially as often as they did.

So you’d set out on a journey to figure out who’d gifted you stuff and return it immediately. First you just left them in a chest with a book or sign explaining that you didn’t want to accept their gift. It felt wrong that they were giving them such nice stuff. They’d always bring it back to you though. It burned your heart. Both from how sweet the gesture was and the physical pain you felt taking it from them. After a few cycles of this, people started to stop telling you who gave you that new item of yours. Even when you begged them for answers.

You had to turn to more drastic measures. Every gift you got was soon carefully investigated for any sign of who could’ve given it to you. There wasn't a way to easily get an answer from the other hermits. They had gotten suspicious of your past tactics, so you had to change your approach.

So you went with the closest guess. Even if they weren’t the one to give it to you, you’d give it to them. When the “gifter” left their base, you’d swiftly sneak in and start to put the items back in their storage. Many of them had chest monsters, so it was easier to put the items in their chests. After all, they wouldn’t really notice more items in the giant mess of items they already had. Then there were the ones with organized sorting systems. You’d search for their proper homes and place them in there. Since these people usually had big storage facilities, it wouldn't be hard to hide a few other items in there. What were the odds that they’d notice that they had a little more of an item than they last remember?

Aw who were you kidding, they’d obviously notice a whole inventory’s worth of golden carrots in their chests. But you deluded yourself into believing that your attempts worked. Believing a beautiful life was much easier and felt better than facing the less-than enjoyable truth.

When you finally calmed down enough, you went over your mental plan again. It had to be absolutely perfect. With no flaws or kinks. This couldn’t fail. Every attempt before had ended in fucking failure. You’d look so bad to the hermits if you failed in leaving again. Why did you still care about what they thought of you? That’s such a silly thing to still care about.

Each plan before had one step that’d always thwarted your leave; you always said goodbye to somebody. At first it started with a big group of hermits, but with each attempt the group got smaller and smaller.

When you’d go to say your goodbyes, the hermit you were talking to would get upset. They’d begged you to stay. Or they’d ask you to help them on this one last project. And then another hermit would ask, and then another. Until you were helping a hermit as soon as you finished a project. You were almost never alone for a while. Slowly the thought of leaving would be pushed further and further back into your mind. Until it was practically gone; only echoes of it would remain to haunt you at night. This was a continuous cycle, and you wanted it to end.

This time you weren’t going to get stopped. Having fewer people in the plan makes it easier to leave. That meant nobody was going to get an in-person goodbye. Everybody had an individual letter addressed to them from you and one for the entire server. It was better this way. They wouldn’t have the chance to stop you.

You don’t know how much time passed, nor did you really care. God you wanted to stay here so bad, yet you couldn’t. This wasn’t where you belonged. You weren’t meant to be here.

With a heavy sign, you hauled yourself off the ground and made your way to the edge of the server. Every moment was precious now, so you decided to dawdle as much as you could. Nobody was going to stop you, so you had time. After all, nobody was going to be finding the letters anytime soon.

To savor every last second on the server, you traversed by boat and foot. Yes you’d miss the elytras, but you wanted to travel the old fashioned way. The way you were used to doing it. Elytras weren’t on the Dream smp, so you needed to start getting used to not having them again.

It felt like seconds before you were at the edge. A few blinks and bam! You were at your final destination on the Hermitcraft server. It was now or never. All you had to do was take a few steps over and you would be back on the Dream smp. Yet your feet refused to move. Why weren’t they moving? This was for the greater good. Yes you wouldn’t be happy there immediately, but you’d grow used to it again.

You started to take deep breaths, trying to hype yourself up to take the final steps. It was like three steps, come on. You can do it. The trip here was longer and harder than this. Don’t let something this small ruins all the work you’ve done. God it was like you were like a walking failure. You couldn’t even finish something you started, something you wanted done. A small part of you whispered, begged you to say with the hermits. But it was soon covered by a much louder part of the mind, telling you that this was the best thing you could do for everyone. Come on, they wouldn’t miss you at all. With one final breath, you took a step forward.

“What’re you doing?” a voice seemed to yell. God it was so quiet. Why was it so quiet? Literally any noise was too loud now.

You stopped. Oh no, did you take too long getting here? Man you really should’ve used that elytra instead. Would’ve made this trip so much easier and faster.

Slowly you turn around to see who interrupted you. And low and behold, it’s Xisuma. He was a little ways away from you, which you were thankful for. It was surprising to see him so far away from the server though. Did he find the notes. Shit, fuck, no no no-. You really hope he hadn’t found them.

“I’m just looking around” a nervous shell of your voice answers. It sounded so empty, like the wind could easily blow it away with just a single gentle gust. You desperately look over where Xisuma’s face would be in hopes of finding out what he was feeling or thinking. That mask of his blocked it, so it was futile. But you had to know what he thought about you now. Was he disappointed? Did he hate you? Especially for how you tried to leave?

“This far out,” he spreads his arms out, gesturing to the world around y’all. It was practically deserted. There was only an island, and you two were standing on it. Ocean covered the world to the horizon. Logically you knew you had no reason to be out here other than to leave. You knew Xisuma knew as well. He had to. He was the admin, after all.

“Uh,” you frantically look around, hoping to find anything to help you get out of this tense situation. You hated this. Hated confrontation. This was a reason you left the Dream smp. “Yeah I wanted a good sight for the uh- for the sunset. Yes, the sunset! It’s so pretty when you’re so far from the mainland. Away from all the buildings that could obstruct the view.”

It took a second for your words to finally hit you, and when they did it felt like a slap to the face. “I’m not saying the builds are bad,” you desperately backpedal, trying to change the possible interpretation of your words. “I mean they’re very big. Big and pretty! Yes, very pretty! But they block the skyline so easily and the sunset and sunrise are just hidden by them. And sometimes the light pollution really gets in the way of stargazing- I’m rambling aren’t I? I’m sorry.”

You stared at Xisuma, wishing for him to give you any sign as to what he was thinking. But the black visor thwarted you attempts again; his face was unviewable with his helmet on.

Wait how could you have been so self absorbed to not notice what Xisuma is wearing. He adorned a little bee/wasp (you had a hard time telling the difference at the moment) themed outfit. It was like a whole bodysuit. And he had a little bee/wasp helmet too! Oh my gosh it was the little bee outfit he owned! The one you really liked! He was actually wearing it? The outfit you said looked really good on him? No, wait. He might just like it as well. That’s probably why he’s wearing it. Stupid, remember you’re not special. Especially to anyone. Why can’t you get that through your thick brain?

Xisuma must have seen the emotional trip you just went on. It must’ve been obvious, right? Written all over your face?

“You’re not wrong,” Xisuma starts. “The builds can be rather disruptive of a good view of the sunset or sunrise. But if you wanted a good viewing spot, you could’ve just asked me. I wouldn’t have minded showing you one.”

“That would’ve been such a stupid thing to ask,” you sniffle, barely having the strength to look him in the eyes. Well, where his eyes should be. “Going up to an admin and saying ‘I can’t see the sunrise or sunset well. Can you show me a good viewing spot’ isn’t exactly something you ask an admin. Usually it’s something along the lines of ‘hey this player took my stuff’ or ‘I’m stuck in a hole and need help.’”

Silence smothers the two of you. Your words were heavy. Made your mouth dry too. Wow is it hot out or just you? It’s really fucking hot out here.

“Again,” Xisuma breaks the silence,” I wouldn’t have minded at all. I’m here for you. For the hermits. And I’m here to help. Why do you think my help wouldn’t extend to you?”

You ponder over his question. Now that he states it like that, how can you just make up a stupid excuse? The care he showed in his explanation made you feel warm and fuzzy. Even if it wasn’t a lot. It made you feel special. Just for that moment. He doesn’t deserve a sucky lie. He deserved the truth. You owed it to him. Then you’ll stop being a bother to him and leave. Right… leave.

“Because I’m not a hermit, Xisuma,” you murmur, hugging yourself for comfort. “I don’t think I ever was. Or ever will be, for that matter.”

“And why not,” Xisuma prods, taking a step towards you. “You are a hermit. You’re on the hermit server and you have been for quite a while now. Everyone loves you. They love you so much. I love you so much.”

That question hurts you. It hurts you so much and yet you have no reason for it to hurt you this much. The statement was false and you knew it. So it shouldn’t hold this much power over you. He’s wrong and you know it. But how do you break it to him?

Yeah, break the news to him. The only thing breaking is you. Xisuma’s mask, which you had once adored, scared you. Intimidated you and made you feel inadequate. The more you looked, the worse you felt.

And so you give in. “Because I’m not one of you. I’d never be one of you. No matter what I did, it’d never amount to what everyone else can do! Grian can make magnificent builds, Scar can landscape like a god, and Mumbo can make literally anything and everything out of redstone. Everybody has something that they’re good at, something they specialize in. And me,” your voice cracks. You drop to the ground on your knees, curling into yourself. “I can’t do anything. I can’t build, can’t farm and I can’t even do simple redstone. I’m a literal dunce. I’ll never be able to do anything right. I’ll never be enough, especially on a server like this with so many incredible people like you. And everyone is so nice. I don’t deserve this kindness. I’m a horrible person. And-and I just don’t belong here. It’d be better if a burden like me is gone, out of your hair. It’d be better if I went back to the Dream smp. Where I can’t be a burden to anybody here.” You finally break down. Sobs shook your body and any words that came out after that were unintelligible.

Suddenly there’s a presence near you, giving you a hug. You flinch, but know it’s Xisuma. Who else could it be? He was the only one here with you. He lets go of you slowly, but you quickly latch onto him and hide in the crook of his neck. You really wanted some comfort. You wanted Xisuma’s hugs. You didn’t want to be left alone.

He goes back to gently holding you, quietly telling you that everything was going to be okay. And other things. Everything just went in one ear and out the other. But he’s giving you soft and steady backrubs. You snuggle closer to him. God this was like a whole comfort package! It just made you want to cry harder. And he just stays there! Letting you cry on him. He’s so nice to little ole you.

Soon you tuckered yourself out from crying. You’re so tired, but you’re still crying. Sadness just courses through you. But you’re so tired. Slowly your sobs turn to sniffle and you try to bring him even closer to you.

“Feel any better,” he tries his best to look at you after your sniffles are all that’re coming out of you. It’s really hard to look at someone so close to you.

You nod against him, too tired to answer verbally. Plus your voice probably sounds terrible and wouldn’t be able to handle answering anyways.

He picks you up, holding you close to him and walks away from the border. You’re so thankful that Xisuma is carrying you. It makes you feel so loved. And your body was so weak after your breakdown.

Soon you two are on a boat, heading back to the rest of the hermits. He’s rowing y’all home. You cuddle into him, wanting as much physical contact as you can get. You’re so tired, but you don’t want to sleep just yet. But you still doze off anyways. As you do though, Xisuma starts to talk to you.

“Thank you for staying with us. With me. I really appreciate that. I love you, remember that. I’ll tell you that a million times if I have to. I’d tell you daily, hourly. Whatever you want. Just don’t leave, please. I love you so much. It’d hurt if you left. If I lost you. But it also hurts to see you in so much pain. Oh I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you sooner. I should've seen the signs. But I’m here. I’ll help you. I love you so much. I’ll stay with you as long as you’re with me. I’d follow you to the end and back.”

You can’t exactly hear what he’s saying, but it must be really nice. The tone of it is so comforting. Wait hold up. Weren’t you doing something. Struggling to stay awake, you mind scrambles for an answer. The border. Yes, the border! You were there. But for what? You couldn’t remember anymore. But was it important if you forgot? Oh who cares, you got Xisuma with you! You were home! That’s all that mattered.

As you finally start to drift off, you mutter an ‘i love you’ to him, finally falling into a well deserved slumber.

#tw: yandere #dodo writing #mcyt x reader #tw: cursing #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: dissociation #tw: angst #hermitcraft x reader #xisuma x reader #yandere #yandere xisuma #c: xisuma #hermitship

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klbwriting · 4 years ago

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Unexpected Allies - Chapter 5

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: future Kaz!femaleReader (although he def fucks up in this chpater)

Warnings: a lot of talk about death and war

Summary: Secrets are shared on the carriage ride out of town

Note: I edited this once I realized I left my placeholder name in the story >.< I always use a random name when I’m writing a series and then change to Y/N but it was midnight and I forgot.

Jesper told Kaz and Y/N to stay in the carriage and for once Kaz listened to his subordinate. Y/N needed to stay hidden and someone had to protect her. Not that she really needed protecting, not by him at least. If she had wanted to she could pick and chose which way she wanted to kill him. Hell, she could do it 3 different ways if she chose. But the look in her eyes when Kaz moved to get out of the carriage and join Jesper had given him pause, so he sat back down and stared at her.

"You can ask you know," she said finally, once she had calmed. Kaz felt the adrenaline drain from his body and he sat back in the seat, looking down at his cane between his legs. His eyes drifted to their knees, so close together but he could see while his was moving with the carriage hers was frozen. She was holding it still, thinking about him and what he needed again. Why? Why did she care so much about him and his issues? Others noticed how he avoided touch, noticed the gloves, the way he didn't reach out to help anyone no matter what, but they didn't protect him from it, in fact some of them used it against him. They died of course but they tried to use it. Inej had sometimes tried to protect him but not like this. Y/N had thrown her body into the way and held back a crowd of drunk gamblers trying to save themselves just to let him stand up again.

"You didn't let anyone touch me...not even yourself," he said, recalling her catching herself in the carriage and making sure again that she didn't touch him. He looked at their knees again and held his breath, moving his knee to touch hers gently. She looked at him, seeing his clenched jaw, his other hand in a fist by his side.

"Don't," she said flatly, making Kaz look at her. She had her eyes closed, head tilted back. He once again didn't know what she was thinking. "I know how hard prison must have been for you. I'm not sure where your issue with touch comes from but hell, I'm not going to let you pass out in a crowded room that's on fire. I will protect you Kaz." She finally looked at him and he saw the bare truth in her eyes. For the first time her eyes hid nothing, she meant exactly what she said.

"Why?" he asked, not sure what exactly made him so appealing to her. She let out a frustrated noise. He narrowed his eyes, not liking her getting angry at him.

"Kaz Brekker, you are needed in the resistance. I know you don't want to be there, you just want your crew and want to leave, but you are needed. Desperately. And even if you weren't needed I would still protect you. I spent months learning about you, watching you, and I, dammit, I feel something for you and even if you could never feel like that for me I'm damn sure not going to let you get hurt. Enough people I care about have been killed because I didn't do enough to protect them. I will never let it happen again," she said. For a moment Kaz stayed silent, letting her calm down. He knew of her watching him, knew of her feelings. He thought about how he couldn't feel that way for her, or anyone, when a small voice in his head came bubbling up and said one small word. Liar.

"The resistance doesn't need me. It needs heroes," he said. "I sure as hell am not a hero." He would ignore what else she had said, not sure how to address it right now. He needed time to digest it before he dove into everything she had revealed.

"Heroes are the last thing the resistance needs. Heroes lost the civil war, trying to be a hero lost me everything, we need a thief, someone who can sneak in, pick all the locks to the Darkling's room and slit any throat that tries to stop them. They need you," she said. They stared at each other again and Kaz was overcome for a moment with the urge to take her into his arms and hold her, but a moment after the thought occurred to him the familiar feeling of revulsion rose in his chest. He shook off the feeling and leaned his elbows to his knees.

"What happened to make me what the resistance needs? What in the hell happened to Alina Starkov that you blame yourself for?" he demanded, tired of the secrets she was keeping. She sat back, looking up at the ceiling of the carriage. He saw the tears pricking the corners of her eyes as she tried to fight them. Despite the feeling of revulsion lingering Kaz forced his knee to touch hers again. This time she let him, lost in her own past.

"You figured I was a double agent for Alina's followers. I was easily a favorite of Aleksander's, the Darkling's, because when I was younger I would follow him around like a puppy. I had a crush on him as a child and he humored me. By the time Alina came along I was seeing the cracks in his armor. I mean, he was called the Darkling, his betrayal shouldn't have been that surprising. So when Alina ran she asked me to stay behind, she attacked me, making sure it looked like I had chosen Aleksander over her. I instantly gained his trust that way. He kept me by his side and I would feed small bits of information with Alina. Not everything of course, I couldn't be too obvious. If Aleksander wasn't going to be at a battle I didn't report it. Or if Aleksander was going to be there but not Alina I let it go. I hated that, so many died because I had to pretend to be faithful to a madman, but it was the only way to make sure that Alina was safe."

Y/N took a deep breath, looking at Kaz and seeing the question in his eyes. She knew he thought the same as everyone else in the Little Palace. She couldn't possibly be second in command based on talent or skill. Large women weren't really smart, they couldn't possibly think of anything more than food. She had been underestimated because of her size her entire life and she normally didn't care, she used it as motivation to prove everyone wrong no matter what they thought she did. But she cared that Kaz knew the truth.

"Go ahead, ask me how I kept my position so secure," she said. She felt Kaz's knee stiffen and looked at them touching. This small action must be taking a lot out of him mentally and she appreciated it, but she didn't want him to feel she was taking advantage so she curled her legs under her body on the seat, making sure he had space. She saw him relax again but he didn't look pleased.

"I'm sure many think you kept your position by climbing into bed with him," he said. She barked a harsh laugh.

"I wish everyone thought of me in such a way, that I somehow could seduce my way to the top," she said. "Some may think that, but most think Aleksander uses me because my Inferni powers are so strong. I am the closest he could get to another Sun Summoner. But I still had to prove myself."

"You betrayed Alina?" he asked. She let one single tear fall then, wiping it quickly.

"She told me to, I had to betray her people. She let me know where Zoya would be, thinking that he would go easy on her since she was once his favorite. What Alina didn't know was that Nikolai would be there. The Darkling didn't hesitate, he cut through both of them and suddenly he took everything I told him as law. I paid for his trust with blood," she said. She now was just letting herself cry, it was pointless to try and stop it. Kaz probably thought she was weak but right now she didn't care. He wasn't going to stick around long after they got to the Permafrost anyway, she shouldn't care at all what he thought. "The worst though, was when he figured out that someone was leaking information. He suddenly didn't trust any of us now, so I had to figure out something. I couldn't get a note out to Alina but I knew she and Darkling were going to meet near Keramzin and I also knew she wouldn't want me to blow my cover so I kept quiet. He took all of us with him, it was almost poetic that they were going to face off near where she grew up. During the fighting she was captured by the Darkling. I was going to intervene, she saw me starting to move and she held up her hands and shook her head. There was already a small force gathering in the north and she didn't want to risk them being lost with her so I stood down and he killed her. Then he turned to me and smiled." She shuttered and finally looked at Kaz.

"Its not your fault," he said after a minute of silence. She smiled sadly at him. "She knew what was happening, she wanted you to live. She took care of you, like a sister." He looked at the floor of the carriage, a fair away look on his face.

"When was your brother killed?" she asked. He didn't have to answer but she wanted him to know that she would listen to him like he had listened to her. He just shook his head.

"Well that's two of your secrets I have discovered tonight," he said. Y/N sat up straighter, realizing her mistake. He was trying to worm his way in for her secrets, something to hold as leverage. He did in fact know her two deepest secrets now. Saints she was an idiot letting her mouth run ragged for him.

"I suppose you want to hear about the powers too?" she asked, folding her arms and moving closer to the door of the carriage. Kaz just nodded. Well he already knew about them so she might as well say it. "I don't know why I can do more than a normal Grisha, its just how I was born. There now you have all my secrets to use at your will. Enjoy." She turned to look out at the road seeing the sun slowly rising in the distance.

She knew Kaz Brekker's reputation, knew what kind of man he was, had even promised herself that she would keep him at a distance and in a few short hours he had picked his way back into her heart. The worst part was he barely had to do anything at all, a forced smile and a little dance, just so that he would have something to hold over her. He knew her greatest asset and her greatest failure and the worst part was that she still wanted to tell him more. She was getting angrier at herself by the second. She was about to take that anger out on her carriage companion but there was a loud crack and the wheel went flying, sending the carriage into a ditch. The last thing Y/N saw was Kaz bracing himself for impact before she hit her head and was unconscious.

#six of crows #kaz #kaz brekker #kazbrekker #kaz x reader #kaz brekker x reader #unexpected allies series

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like-dudnik-in-1989 · 4 years ago

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Fast thoughts about the OG

i wanted to make a big and deep preview but adult life went like NO WAY ASSHOLE

TF, I think Russia has the edge over China, in fact, without Ou Yushan’s floor now, is Russia’s to lose, which, is duable lol. Joking I think they will do fine, just your usual falls off beam, the salt of life. Either way, both teams have secured the medal. BG and the Rodionenkos should send a couple of bouquets to Becky Downie and Enrico Casella.

About the AA, aside the americans, for me the major REALISTIC contenders for bronze are listunova, mai, tang jixing and ellie black (why none remembers ellie black??), and you will say WHAT, and I will get it, but

Ideally Melka, MDJDS and Rebeca would be over these four anyday- in fact, I could see them giving a run for her money to Sunisa, imo she’s not much better than any of them, and I really like Suni - but they will find a way to fuck up their chances and fall on something utterly stupid (been there already). So I’m waiting for a Biles, Lee, Listunova/Murakami podium, which, I would honestly sign right now.

About 2pc AA sitautions - I feel Urazova is going to qualify?? Which I would LOVE both Listunova and her to do so, but Melka deserves to be in that final after these years. From CHN, my guts say to me Tang Jixing and Zhang Jin will, still not feeling it about Lu Yufei. The rest of the teams are a little bit of a given, don’t think judges will like Chiles as much as they do with Suni. Let’s hope that at least judges love her more than they do with her mom (lol sorry, but i had too, incredible that someone could beat Skinner’s dad to be the worst parent of that team)

VT - if she doesn’t medal in the AA I would LOVE Rebeca to medal in here. Her Cheng looks to be spectacular. Also, breaking news that the whole town of Deva is hosting a candle vigil for Chuso. She at least got the standing ovation in Rio.

Let’s hope Simone goes cray and competes the double pike in EF and sticks it. But probably will go for safety first, booo, boring. Come on, Simone, just through it, do it for Yulia Lozhecko.

UB - I would love Fan to win because Suni/Nina constructions makes me anxious a little bit, but it’s def going to be any of these two. Probably Nina because her overall execution is worse but the routine cleverer and reckless. 2017 Ilyankova should have dominated this final, sad puberty transformed her Ezhova in the worst possible tribute to Evgenia Shelgunova.

BB - I wouldn’t accept any other combination that is not Ou Yushan, Guan Chenchen and Larisa Iordache. If any other gymnasts medals, I will call this final a robbery. I’m kittysha now.

Let’s hope Gera at least makes the final. Curious to see if Sanne makes the cut after 5 years.

FX - This should be Mai’s time for a medal. But I hope Popa somehow medals too. And Flavia. And Vika. And Ferrari. Sad to think that with so many gymnast this year with great tumbling and actual expressive work, one medal will mostly go to certain gymnast from a certain dominating country that qualified through the world cups. At least Bogi did the worm. But well, i’m used to it.

Also looking forward to watch: Ava Stewart, Eythora, how much fight the Japanese will put in the TF to medal, Diana Varinska, how Lu Yufei and Jordan Chiles will do under international judging, the Gadirovas, Yeo (make the VT EF pleaseee, and tbh, actually medal, there’s nothing cooler that a father-daughter Olympic medalists, it would be like Valeri and Nastia but without all that emotional toxicity), Filipa Martins on UB - as an Iberian sister I’m rooting her to make EF-, how Holbura handles the pressure, and, ESPECIALLY, how the 2004-2005 Russians - mainly Vlada and Vika - compete under the real spotlight (the first one who falls off beam should be punished spending a week carrying Khorkina’s LV).

Writing this I noticed this will be a hot mess and honestly I got hyped LOL

see you in six hours - xoxo, Nellie Kim

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colesterstrudel · 4 years ago

Text

So here are my endless thoughts on SVU & OC, all under the cut bc I get rambly and incoherent lmaooooo so here goes the format is shit bc I’m on mobile but are we surprised lmao

SVU

It is a crime that we never got to see the dress Liv was wearing to her ceremony A CRIME I know it was a lewk I KNOW IT WAS

The Liv/Elliot stare down dkdkdkkdkddk pls they’re just looking at each other like they’re trying to make sure they’re both really there

The flashback to the episode where pregnant Kathy is in a car accident with Liv was a crime against me, specifically, bc how dare you make me deal with those emotions while Liv is also dealing with them with that 100 yard stare WHY

Fin’s “you’re gonna have to ask him” to Liv in the hospital 🤝 his “you’ll have to ask her that” to Elliot in the bar or whatever

The whispered convo in the corner of Liv’s office hello intimacy lmao personal space whomst Liv and Elliot don’t know her and they never have AND THEN when Elliot says “let’s work it” like they’re still partners, LIKE THEY’RE PARTNERS FOR LIFE, IF YOU WILL

Liv spent so much of their partnership pushing him to be with his family and she STILL has to do it even ten years later after he’s broken her heart she loves him so much she loves his kids she wants nothing but the best for him so she keeps pushing him to go back to his family, to visit Kathy in the hospital, but noooooooooooo hardheaded Elliot Stabler just can’t do it

“I give you my word I’ll behave” so u just gon lie like that to her FACE when you haven’t seen her IN TEN YEARS DKSKDKSKSKSKSK LYING IS GONNA BE ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS YOU DO and also when he started rolling up his sleeves??? BRAIN ROT IMMEDIATELY BRAIN EMPTY

LIV HOLDING ELLIOT BACK, HIM ALL IN HER PERSONAL SPACE, THE RAISED VOICE FOLLOWED BY THE WHISPER, THE LINGERING EYE CONTACT DKDKDKDKDKDK IF Y’ALL DON’T FUCKIN SMOOCH IN THIS BITCH

Actually okay the whole interrogation room scene bc seeing them in interrogation with each other is painful enough, but the looks Liv keeps giving him while he’s talking to the suspect dkdkkddkdkdk the last time she was in an interrogation room when she could still feel Elliot’s presence around her was when she was crying after he put in his papers YES I AM CRYING THANK U and then the suspect says “why aren’t you in the hospital with your wife” and it’s practically the same thing Liv told him but he can hear that kind of stuff from her and be okay but when anyone else is questioning his loyalty to his family it sets him off (not that she was questioning his loyalty but you get what I’m saying) and UGH the way Liv keeps an eye on him as he moves around the room to make sure he doesn’t fuckin lose it

She bumped into him on the roof ON PURPOSE she didn’t have to be that close to him there’s plenty of room on the roof for the two of them but it’s like she’s questioning if he’s really there and then you have to wonder how many conversations has she had with him mentally or in her dreams that she has to fuckin shoulder check him on the roof to ensure he’s really there, that she’s really talking to HIM

Elliot’s Catholic guilt rearing its ugly head as he caresses the head of his dying wife while he has so much he wants and needs to say to Liv.......am I overthinking this I thinketh not

KATHY NOT BELIEVING ELLIOT TELLING HER HE HASN’T SPOKEN TO LIV IN TEN YEARS AND LIV HAVING TO CONFIRM THAT IT’S TRUE I’M DKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKDKS LIV WAS THE GLUE HOLDING THAT GODDAMN FAMILY TOGETHER AND SHE COULDN’T EVEN RECEIVE THE LOVE SHE SO DESPERATELY WANTED???? NEEDED??????? FROM ELLIOT BC OF IT I’M DJDJDJSSKSKSKSK

Liv watching Elliot kiss Kathy’s forehead through the glass door of that hospital room, like she’s been forced to look in on that marriage from the outside for YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The symbolism!!!!!!!!!!!

The waiting room hospital scene yes this will be burned into my brain forever thank u. Neither of them can sit still when they’re around each other now it’s like it’s too much all at once especially Liv she keeps moving and fidgeting and when they ARE still they’re so CLOSE to each other like they can’t bear for there to be any distance, not anymore, not now

They tell each other they love each other without saying the words and it kills me every single time I can’t live like this I wish they were better at talking about their feelings

ANOTHER WHISPERED/BREATHY “ELLIOT” with that side eye YES LIV LET HIM KNOW HE FUCKED UP dkskdkdkdkdk and then she told him she LOVED HIM “you were the single most important person in my life and you just.....disappeared” god this really tears my heart out every time I think about it bc the look in her eyes just 😭😭😭

“I was afraid if I heard your voice I wouldn’t have been able to leave” GOD DID Y’ALL KNOW IT ONLY TAKES THREE WORDS EACH TO SAY I LOVE YOU DID YOU KNOW THAT DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD CONSERVE OXYGEN AND SAY ONLY THREE WORDS OBVIOUSLY NOT

Liv having to stand up for Elliot once again and defend him to people who don’t see him the way she does, the way he deserves to be seen, she’s had to do it for years when they were partners and now she’s doing it again when he’s only been back like a day and a half

I’ve already talked about the bar scene with Elliot and Fin a bajillion times but!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s just such a good fuckin scene and the emotions and the mannerisms from Elliot are just *chef’s kiss* that man loves Liv so much and he’s so upset he’s missed so much of Liv’s life ugh just thinking about his “who’s the guy?” and how he must be thinking back to “you’re the longest relationship I’ve ever had with a man” and how that may still be true but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t moved on and found someone else to take his place in her heart, in her life, to give her the child she always wanted WHEW

LIV DKDKDKDKDK “Phoebe just said I love you and you couldn’t say it back?” MA’AM YOU CAN’T EVEN TELL THE MAN YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE HIM PLS STOP JUDGING FIN DKDKDKDKDDKDK

Liv calling Elliot “Stabler” why does that shit hurt my heart so bad dkdkdkdkdkdks CALL HIM EL AGAIN PLS

Amanda likening her relationship with Liv to Liv’s relationship with Kathy? No ma’am. No. Somebody get the spray bottle tell her to shut the fuck up

Elliot called Liv before he called any of his kids about Kathy HE CALLED HER FIRST no I’m fine this is fine that’s just something you’d do like if you loved someone or something lmao def nothing suspicious here

I will never stop talking about that hug okay bc Elliot IS SOBBING and he nuzzles into Liv’s shoulder and she wants to keep her walls up and remain distant but her eyes close and she settles into it too god it’s such a GOOD hug you can FEEL the emotions

“I didn’t get to say goodbye” hello parallels between Elliot and his wife and Liv, the love of his life again this is fine I’m fine

Liv putting his family first and offering to call his kids for him fkdkdkdkdkks god will she ever put herself first with ANYONE or will she always put herself on the back burner can we PLEASE GET LIV SOME LASTING HAPPINESS IN THIS BITCH

Even tho Elliot said he didn’t need her to call his kids it absolutely looks like she DID get his kids and take them to him in the chapel like that’s how it comes across and idk if they did that on purpose or what but that’s what it looks like idk man it just really kills me bc she just keeps putting his family first and keep them together SHE IS THE GLUEEEEEEEEEE IN THAT FAMILY

“I can be objective” not with Elliot miss ma’am and you know that like it’s cute that you think that but 👀👀👀 we all know JUST LIKE WE ALL KNOW that technically you’re off the case but you won’t be off the case you’ll keep looking into things when you can bc that’s your partner, your Elliot, and you can’t not keep looking into it

When Elliot goes downstairs at the courthouse and he starts speaking Italian to those dudes he arrested or whatever and then he starts threatening them and he does the throat slash motion as he gets taken away dkskskskskks BRAIN WORMS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is that so HOT!!!!!!! @ myself get it together

I’ve already talked about the snow scene in the park but I am not done I will never be done bc the tension!!!!!!!!!!!! Liv won’t hold eye contact for too long and neither will he and I am DYING the small talk is so awkward and then he says “you woulda loved it” about his place in Rome meaning he was THINKING ABOUT HER WHILE HE WAS AWAY

“Elliot, I can’t” OH MY GOD DKDKDKDK and the way she looks at the letter in his hands dkdkdksksks awh hell

Liv was wearing gloves and Elliot was bare handed as they walked around the city in SVU, when she was showing him the pic of the suspect on her phone and here she is again, wearing gloves while Elliot’s hands are bare but this time she brushes her fingers over his ever so slightly while taking the letter from him. The touch is on purpose, has to be, but it’s like the rooftop scene where she bumps into him to make sure it’s really him. Not to mention the gloves vs bare hands thing - she’s erected walls up around her heart and her life and she has all these boundaries she won’t let Elliot cross, not now, maybe not ever she tells herself, and as long as she can separate even the smallest amount of her bare flesh from his she just might be able to make it through him being back in town

ELLIOT WANTED HER TO INTRODUCE HIM TO NOAH YOU CAN SEE IT god he must’ve been so torn up about it bc that’s her kid!!!!!! He’s a part of her!!!!!!!!! He wants to know everything he missed and she won’t even introduce him to her child!!!!!!!!

Angela Wheatley I’m free on Thursday if you’d like to hang out on Thursday when I am free

Liv doesn’t take her eyes off Elliot at the funeral not once NOT ONCE I know I’ve said this before but she’s really the glue that holds that goddamn family together and I am DYING

She holds it together for all the kids and Elliot but the second she walks away her face just fuckin CRUMPLES she can’t hold it together anymore especially after the way Elliot grabbed her whole ass arm to thank her for going I’m dkdkskdkdkdkd this is too much this is too much

THEY DELETED THE FUCKIN SCENE WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY IN ELLIOT’S APARTMENT??????? WHY???????? I WANTED TO OVERANALYZE IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so I know Richard Wheatley is the bad guy but I luv him what a MAN. He really said “fuck you you racist piece of shit” and killed his own dad fkdkdkdkdkdksk okay WORK RICHARD

SERGEANT BELL I AM AVAILABLE ON THURSDAY LEMME KNOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HANG OUT ON THURSDAY WHEN YOU ARE FREE

Bell not taking any sorta shit from Elliot I LUV IT I LUV HER GET HIS ASS DKDKDKDKSKSKS he NEEDS people to keep his ass in line bc he doesn’t know how to act not even a lil bit

LIV READ THE LETTER!!!!!! She’s the least stand-offish she’s been to him this whole time WHAT WAS IN THAT LETTER I HAVE TO KNOW

* She knows him too well she knows he’s hiding something from her she knows he’s got something going on but he’s never been good at separating his work from his real life and that hasn’t changed, not now, not even with her and she KNOWS something’s off the way she looks at him while he’s waiting for the elevator is unreal and the lil half nod he gives her bc he KNOWS he needs to talk to her about that letter, especially when she’s WILLING TO TALK NOW but the job!!!!!! “You and the job are about the only thing I’ve got anymore” and he doesn’t even have her, not like he used to, not like he wants to, so he defaults to the job and trying to figure out who killed Kathy and who has it out for him

Okay I obvs didn’t have as much to yell about in OC as I did SVU but I’m so excited to see how OC goes bc it’s got me intrigued already like I need to know. Everything. About the Wheatleys!!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!!! And I need to see Liv and Elliot interact again pls pls I need it 😭😭😭😭😭 ANYWAYS THE END BYE

#this is really just a lot of me yelling #I luv liv and Elliot and I luv these fuckin SHOWS

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sunsetsover · 5 years ago

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I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

#ben mitchell #ballum #eastenders #petty as hell but it was really bugging me that this wasnt showing up in tags so i'm posting it again lmao #sorry if u already liked/replied to it :-(#bpd #anon #question

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conjugate-wumbo · 6 years ago

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GOT 8x5 Penultimate episode here we go….

You ever notice how right when you’re watching the credits to any movie or tv show and there’s a part where you’re like really jamming to the music - like damn that’s some good stuff - is exactly when the “music by” credit shows up? Coincidence? Where’s that gif of Edna?

If Varys ran for president, he would have a real shot at winning just based on the number of his own spies voting for him alone.

VARYS WHAT DID YOU WRITE IN THAT LETTER

Yo Tyrion and Varys were besties.

I am not satisfied with this ending.

“Far more people in Westeros love you than love me.” What do you think that means. Return of D is for dum dum.

“Is that all I am to you? Your queen?” “Nah fam you’re also my aunt.”

Just sayin, Jacob Anderson sounds like a native speaker of Valyrian. Def has the best accent to the language.

I don’t see that there’s any time for Dany to redeem herself and be worthy of becoming queen. This attitude is getting real tiring.

It’s just a bunch of frowns all over the place isn’t it.

“I’m Arya Stark. I’m here to kill Queen Cersei.” LOL “I need to go talk to my captain.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Back to beginnings with prisoner Jaime.

Damn even after all this shit, Tyrion just loves his big bro so much. Tyrion just wants a family. Tyrion is Iron Man.

How many scorpions do they have wow.

Ok wtf is up with the travel times in this show. How is Jaime already there. How did Dany pull a there and back again so quickly. In the first episode weren’t Robert Baratheon’s party riding for a month to get from King’s Landing to Winterfell?

What?

FUCKING EVERYONE IS THERE ALREADY

WHAT

I smell some expendable-story-telling-reshirts stuff about to happen.

Does Euron have stars on his jacket?

K that first dragon quick-spin shot was pretty sick.

So when dragons breathe fire... It must be some expulsion of gas right. And it’s just ignited internal right before it leaves the dragon’s mouth. Because otherwise how is the fire hitting things with such weighty force.

Golden Company definitely realizing that they don’t get paid enough for this shit.

It would have been fun to see Daario fight the leader of the Golden Company. Missed Opportunity.

Are all those other scorpions just waiting until everyone else gets their chance at a close up before trying firing at Drogon? How considerate. Equity in screen time.

Daenerys, if you’re planning on living there like maybe try to save yourself a little bit on renovation fees.

WTF IS DAVOS DOING RIGHT AT THE FRONT OF THE LINE

THAT’S NO PLACE FOR WESTEROS’S DAD

Not gonna lie, it’s weird seeing Jon against the backdrop of King’s Landing.

I can just see it on the Lannister soldiers’ faces, “thank god, I didn’t want to be the first one to drop my sword.”

Ring a ding ding. Cersei whatchu doing.

DAMMIT DAENERYS

YOU’RE RUINING IT

STAAAAAAHP

BRUH THAT IS NOT EVEN THE RED KEEP

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

GREY WORM DON’T YOU DARE

YES JON YES

OH MY FUCKING GOD GREY WORM DON’T. YOU. DARE.

Grey Worm’s gonna die isn’t he.

...Maybe not...

Time to bring back this meme to encapsulate the episode: Everyone: Daenerys NO Daenerys: DAENERYS YES

Come on Jaime, we need a Queenslayer You can do it Where the fuck are you even

LISTEN TO JON YOU FUCKS

FUCK RETURN OF THE REDSHIRTS

JON SAVE THAT LITTLE GIRL

Dany u gotta stop All that good architecture just going to waste.

Wow if Euron kills Jaime that’ll be the most unsatisfying shit in the world. However. If Davos saves Jaime and kills Euron like a badass. That would be something that Westeros’s dad deserves.

Well fuck I am unsatisfied. I feel nothing. Like obviously I’m sad because it’s Jaime, but like story-wise.

If Jaime dies here by the hand of Euron. Like what was I waiting for?

What is this episode

What WHAT WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT

That’s it Jaime YESSSSS JAIME Ok this is more satisfying Should’ve been Yara who killed Euron but whatever (Also where is Yara??????? We just killed her brother and then we’re just never going to see her again?)

OMG FATHER FIGURE HOUND. LOVE IT. THIS IS WHAT I WANTED FROM ARYA’S ARC. LEARNING TO MOVE ON FROM REVENGE. YESS ARYA. THIS IS THE WHOLESOME CONTENT I WANT TO SEE. TOO BAD THEY JUST RUSHED THROUGH IT IN TWO SECONDS. THIS DESERVED A WHOLE SCENE WITH BUILDUP AND TENSION AND AN AMAZING SCORE AND MAYBE EVEN A SMOL TEAR FROM ARYA.

Ok if Cersei just dies from falling rubble... THANK GO SHE SURVIVED that would have been the MOST unsatisfying.

OH SHITTTT. CLEGANE BOWL ABOUT TO BEGIN. HERE WE GOOOO. LET’S GOOOOO. (The Mountain has no neck?) Qyburn killed by the Mountain = oddly satisfying. Not what I thought but I’ll take it. WHY IS THERE NO SCORE FOR CLEGANE BOWL. Damn boy Gregor u gotta start wearing sunscreen.

YESS LANNISTER BOWL. JAIME IF YOU DON’T KILL CERSEI I SWEAR- Cersei: “You’re hurt” Jaime: “It’s only a flesh wound”

Not Found: Any dramatic tension in this episode

WHERE ARE THE EMOTIONAL BEATS IN THIS EPISODE

Sandor just stabbed Gregor and like. I have no reaction.

What is this episode???

If the Hound dies. I will be so unsatisfied.

ARYA SAVE SOME OF THE INNOCENTS COME ON. FIND JON. HELP HIM. If Arya just fucking dies from bricks. I will be so unsatisfied.

WHAT IS THIS EPISODE

Where is any dramatic tension?

Like I care, but I don’t care? At least the score is back. Some good cinematography though, for these cuts switching back and forth between Arya and the Hound. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN THEMATICALLY? WHY ARE THEY BEING CONNECTED? What is the narrative message????

WHAT DOES IT MEAN. NOTHING.

YASSS RETURN OF THE RED SHIRT

Damn if I haven’t said it enough times already. If the Hound just dies here. I’ll be so unsatisfied.

“FUCKING DIE” lol OKAYY you can’t give me three seconds of score and assume that means the dramatic tension in Clegane bowl was relieved.

YOU CAN’T RELIEVE WHAT WAS NEVER TENSE. THE HOUND IS ONE OF MY FAVES. AND HE JUST DIED. AND I’M LIKE MEH.

WHAT IS THIS EPISODE? ??????

Lol ok wildfire I guess we’re in act three now?

THIS SCORE MEANS NOTHING NOW. YOU CAN’T FOOL ME.

Lol D&D would never have the guts to kill Arya. But what does she have left to do even? What is her arc now? It’s done??? She’s technically in the danger zone, but like what does the danger matter now? She’s just running again.

Ok leadership let’s go.

What is this episode???? Why is this sequence so long???

And there go the redshirts.

DID WE JUST KILL ARYA????

Ok some dramatic tension back now. I guess Cersei and Jaime are dead now.

LOL I KNEW THEY COULDN’T KILL ARYA. THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE THE NARRATIVE INTEGRITY.

Here’s how they can salvage this dramatic tension, First of all take some of that plot armor off of these major players and just bite the bullet and let Arya die. You could even make it a legendary tragic scene. One for the ages. Just milk it for all it’s worth because it’d def be worth 10000x whatever this is. Like literally everyone else around her is burnt to a chalky crisp. And yet she’s not only alive, but mostly uninjured. Not a single burn. Not a single broken limb.

HOWEVEr

If you insist on keeping her life. Pull an Eowyn. Arya becomes a maester. Realizes how silly war and violence are.

Is that Shadowfax. LORD OF THE HORSES. What does this scene have to do with anything? What does it mean? Did Arya request that horse on Lyft?

AND THAT’S THE END

WHAT

What was the point of this episode?

Nothing happened………………. None of the story, that’s for sure

If this were the book, this would have been like half a chapter. With how little the course of the story changed.

WELL THAT LEAVES ONLY LITTLE OVER AN HOUR TO WRAP UP THIS BEAST OF A STORY.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO KILL DAENERYS IN A SATISFYING WAY AND STILL HAVE TIME FOR AN EPILOGUE WITH ONLY ONE EPISODE LEFT.

I have a strong feeling that this next episode is also going to feel incredibly rushed.

WHAT IS THIS EPISODE

#got #got spoilers #game of thrones

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queerbycrs · 6 years ago

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so... i’m not finished writing this yet, but since apparently the idea is So Popular going by @iamalivenow‘s post, i thought i’d... lay out the basis of my the magnus archives good place au? vague spoilers up to current canon of tma (ep 120) and definite spoilers up to the end of s2 of the good place

my basic thought, at first, was that this isn’t a “full” tgp fusion -- it would incorporate elements of tma canon, and involve various kinds of amnesia. so, the characters are tormented by not remembering bits of their lives, or remembering things that line up wrong, or having flashes of memory that don’t make sense.

so, in this au, the characters already knew each other in ways that are similar but not identical to canon. that’s part of the reason elias-as-michael is so confident it’ll work out: that idiot michael just threw together some humans and hoped they’d click perfectly horribly. these people have history, and it’ll torment them or just be informational, as required.

so, elias is michael, obviously. pre-redemption. (my thought for this is that the torture actually works so it never proceeds to the actual plot of tgp s2-onwards, so no need to figure out how it would work with elias. alternately, the humans go off through the afterlife without architectural assistance. who knows)

i’m not set on who janet is, but i might go with the suggestion of distortion? because that sounds hilarious, honestly

and there are def soulmates in this au, because it makes things ALL THE MORE PAINFUL. from most-to-least solidly formed ideas:

basira and daisy. basira remembers a picture-perfect life on earth, fifty years of marriage, dying in each other’s arms.

daisy remembers being a serial killer and trying to hide it for years until basira caught on and daisy killed her in a fit of rage, and spent the rest of her life regretting it.

neither of them have accurate recollections. but according to their first day in the good place, basira is correct, and daisy doesn’t know what the hell is going on or why she’s here, with the love of her life, who she thought she killed in the biggest mistake of her life.

(basira prolllllllllly doesn’t belong in the bad place, but elias prolly just snatched her up for his Evil Plans. no one better to torture daisy with, right?)

next: martin and jon. they remember working together, in... an archive? or something? and martin was in love with jon, and jon was oblivious.

well, the official matchmaking systems of the afterlife have chosen! you’re the perfect match for each other! have fun!

martin is completely blissed out at first! it’s wonderful! he spent all those years in hopeless love, and now he gets to spend eternity with the man he thought could never love him back!

and at first, jon is actually... okay with it? he’s a little nervous, because he’s never had a relationship that didn’t crash and burn (okay, sample size of one, but that says a lot in and of itself) but it feels so easy, at first, and it’s... okay. it’s nice.

but then his memories start to get... weird. he has dreams of the archive where he worked, except it’s... different. he remembers worms, and running, and a man’s body on the floor of his office.

he remembers a tape recorder, and he starts recording here, too. just in case.

eventually, as jon’s paranoia starts to build and build, things start going bad for martin, too: he’s having nightmares too, of worms and crushing loneliness, and jon is retreating and won’t talk to him, and this cute older guy who works at the kayak rental/canoe group/scuba-diving-but-without-equipment-because-we’re-dead-and-don’t-need-to-breathe place keeps hitting in him and he’s kind of into it and he feels Really Bad about it

and then i get to, like, melanie and tim and georgie, and in this version of the au i don’t know what to do with them, so i would probably pair up melanie and tim -- their respective responses to stress don’t work well together, at All, so i guess if the tension started turning up they’d probably torture each other pretty effectively.

which leaves georgie. and i’m thinking, maybe elias just doesn’t know how to torture her. she was added to his carefully-planned group without advance notice (probably as a test, those goddamn suits in the department don’t understand how difficult and complicated this is--) and so he just. tells her that her soul is perfectly complete on its own, and she has the admiral for company, but she doesn’t have a soulmate.

georgie’s like, sweet. she can live her best life (afterlife) and hang out with her cat that will be with her forever! this is awesome.

(the admiral probably died of natural causes a few years before, after living a full and very happy life; it got a lovely afterlife until georgie arrived and they got to hang out again. this is how it is for all pets. don’t @ me you know i’m right and i will not take suggestions)

it’s not perfect, because elias just keeps throwing Problems at her to see what’ll stick. but she’s doing pretty good.

alternately:

basira/daisy, and

jon/tim. tim’s reaction to jon’s paranoia is probably a lot more external than martin’s is, which probably leads to some nasty fights. jon probably thinks tim is turning against him, it’s a whole big mess. tim might get seduced away a couple times to increase his guilt and add some depth to their bad relationship, because this is Literal Hell.

melanie/georgie, because Wrench Thrown Into Plan, had to make some adjustments. there’s probably some memory mismatch and external pressure, but it’s not too bad.

martin is a complete person who needs no soulmate to make his afterlife perfect. not a monk, like jason (elias scoffs at the heavy-handedness, the unsubtlety of that.) just perfectly fulfilled in solitude.

he probably gets fully seduced by peter lukas, aka mr. “kayak rental/canoe group/scuba-diving-but-without-equipment-because-we’re-dead-and-don’t-need-to-breathe place” guy. and then there’s a lot of, “oh god this was a mistake what will we tell our soulmates” from peter (externally) and a lot of “i’m going to be alone for literal eternity and even my hookup doesn’t know about it, because it’s so unusual to not have a soulmate” from martin (internally.)

looking at it now, version 1 does seem better and more thought-out, so if i do actually progress with this i’ll prolly go with that. but hey, if someone wants to run with version 2... (or one, idc really) please do, i will love it.

SO. onto: demons!

you know in the beginning of tgp season 2, when michael is doing the pep talks to the demons and one of them keeps asking if he can bite the humans?

okay, that, but with jane prentiss

she just wants to infect them. just a lil. just a few worms in their houses, even

(elias screams internally. why are his demons so incompetent.)

nikola is a mannequin in the windows of one of the stores in the cute little town. she moves... just a little bit... whenever you look away (like a weeping angel.) she probably shows up in people’s houses in the middle of the night and stands at the foot of their beds. when elias is asked about it, he assures them that it was just a nightmare.

there are so many spiders in this afterlife. martin loves it. nearly everyone else... does not.

jude perry owns a pizza place with a classic pizza oven. it’s... weirdly hot in there? (”she spent all her years on earth perfecting this pizza,” elias explains to someone who feels like they’re dying of heatstroke. “she adapted to the heat. it would be cruel to take it away from her.”)

the pizza is delicious, once it’s burned the roof of your mouth to bloody strips

mike crew runs the skydiving/flying place. the humans don’t understand why it’s so painful and weird when they do it. they’re clearly just doing it wrong! why don’t they try again. and again.

not!sasha is there, and sasha isn’t. (i don’t know, i can’t think of how it would work.) (maybe she kept throwing a wrench in elias’s plans so he didn’t want her in his neighbourhood.) she’s soulmates with some random demon and is probably out there, idk, tormenting people with weird uncanny valley.

she runs a wax museum, like the museum in tgp s2, when the gang goes to the real bad place and it has plaques for the first person to do some petty bad thing (telling a woman to smile, sending an unprompted dick pic, flossing in an open-concept workplace, etc.) the wax figures also move in creepy ways, just a little bit.

i’m sure once i write this i’ll flesh out more of the demons, but one last thing:

who is mindy st. clair, you ask?

my answer is: it’s not one person. it’s gertrude and gerry.

but how, you ask? isn’t that like, a really special, one-time thing?

well, dear reader, for one thing, points and afterlife designations work differently in this au than they do in tgp, for practical reasons of getting all the characters i care about into hell. and also, the system doesn’t make sense.

so gertrude and gerry either a) both evened out the points (and medium places aren’t very uncommon) or b) this is an au where you can be “claimed” by the good place or the bad place at random, and neither place wanted them. either/or.

the thing is, though, that the medium place is not meant to be torture. and for the vast majority of people, being alone for eternity with only the most mediocre entertainment and literally nothing to do? is torture.

for mindy, she was incredibly self-centred; being alone is fine. she doesn’t mind being around other people for short periods of time, and she probably wants to get laid, but she’s okay in her own company.

most people are not. and obviously we don’t actually know much about gertrude and gerry’s relationship, but what i’m going to guess is that they didn’t hate each other, or especially like each other, but they aren’t each other’s favourite person, either.

thus, the best person to spend eternity with for absolute mediocrity, they can both be alone when they want and also have company when they need to not go completely off the deep end.

and that’s what i have so far.

and here’s a bonus if you read this far: i also started writing a tgp magnus archives au, where michael (tgp michael) got the gang together in s3 by sending them all to the magnus institute to give a statement. i have most of eleanor’s statement written. still not sure what i want to do with it, but there you go: fusion-ception, an au both ways.

#anyway i plan to write this but also everybody should write this au #the magnus archives #the good place #nicola.txt #nicola writes things

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hamburgergod · 7 years ago

Text

anonymous prompted:

For the sunset prompt, maybe a cute little thing in which dean is very much in love with cas, and cas is a nerd about insects, not just bees, so dean sends him facts or links about insects all the time (like this one), and dean realises that at some point he became also very interested about insects because it is something he shares with cas. They're cute and in love or something.

destiel, AU, ~1.4k. thank you for such a lovely lovely lovely prompt!!!!! <3

They’re at Cas’s place today, stuffed together into his tiny sofa while Dean wiggles around for more butt room.

“Scootch over,” he says, careful to not spill the popcorn. Cas does as asked, but there’s not much more room to move on his tiny ass sofa, so squished together they’ll be. Like every movie night.

Cas is laser-focused onto the TV as he goes through Netflix, and Dean sees the moment he finds an episode from Life in the Undergrowth. His eyes light up, his mind already melding into one with Sir Attenborough, and glances over at Dean for approval. Dean knows that look.

“Uh huh,” Dean replies. “Lights on or off?”

Lights off, of course. Dean tries not to be too obnoxious in his popcorn chewing, and anyway, he’s sure nothing can break Cas’s concentration now. His own eyes are glued onto the fascinating life of these little critters. Man, who knew insect life could be so complex?

After 45 minutes, Dean feels like he’s learned more from the one episode than he has in his entire life. He stretches in his seat while Cas gets the light, and he almost looks sheepish when Dean turns to tell him something. He forgets his words, and instead asks, “What?”

“Was that alright?” Cas asks, almost hesitantly. “It was supposed to be movie night, and…”

“Dude,” Dean laughs, and Cas relaxes. “It’s cool. I thought it was interesting.”

Cas smiles, still not sure if Dean’s lying for the sake of making him feel better. Dean rolls his eyes. “Seriously,” he continues. “D’you see me complaining here?”

Just to show him just how invested he is in this, and because he did genuinely enjoy it, Dean checks his watch, and says, “Wanna hit the next episode?”

Cas’s smile this time brightens the entire room.

Before insects, it was bio-luminescence in animals, and before that was animals who live in extreme conditions, among countless of other obsessions Cas has had over the years. Dean doesn’t always get the endless fascination behind it, probably not as fully as Cas anyway, but showing a little interest in what his best friend is currently obsessed with never hurt anybody.

He finds himself wandering over on youtube to find his own resources to devour on inbetween the work reports he’s gotta write, and he ends up watching insect-related videos until three in the morning, sucked into interesting facts about different types of insects he didn’t even know existed until now. He grabs a shoddy phone photo of a velvet worm on his computer screen, since that guy’s got its little feet around Dean’s heart since the movie night, and sends it to Cas with the caption “Look at this guy!” before he clocks out for the night. It’s not exactly an insect, but close enough.

The next morning, Dean finds a series of heart-eyes emoticons as a response. Fucking nerd.

“...and did you know that they can, like, squirt slimes to catch prey?” Dean laughs at Sam’s face at that, and takes a sip of coffee. “I really wanna try touching one. I heard they’re super soft.”

Sam gives him a weird look, and barely hides his smile. “Since when are you so into insects?”

Dean shrugs. “Cas got me into it.”

“Ah,” Sam says, as if that explains everything. “Of course.”

“Yup,” Dean replies, and that’s that. “What ‘bout you? How’re things with Eileen?”

Later that night, Dean sees a spider weaving a web in the corner of his apartment, and usually he’d just squish them, but sue him, he’s grown a soft spot for them all, so he lets it climb onto a piece of paper and frees it outside.

Although spiders aren’t insects. Whatever.

Writing reports is dull, and soon he finds himself wandering to the National Geographic website. He loses himself in the chains and chains of news articles on various types of insects.

Cas is always into… different stuff, unexpected stuff compared to other people, but Dean’s gotta admit, he’s hooked. Apparently ants bury their dead, and hey, who knew? Definitely not him.

And Cas apparently didn’t either, because when he shares that little tidbit with him, Cas replies in his text with a lot of surprised mouth-open-into-O emoticons, along with “I never knew that!”.

Dean gets a little swell in his chest. He may be hooked on insects, but even more rewarding is Cas’s reaction to seeing something he loves.

Cas sends him his own share of articles on insects throughout the month. Sometimes it’s about insects he’s never heard of, sometimes it’s cool facts about really commonly known insects (who knew there are scorpions that can breathe underwater?), and Dean drinks up everything Cas is willing to share with him. He tries to match his pace, sending him youtube links and articles of his own pulled from various websites, and every time, Cas responds with a series of emoticons that keep this going.

One night, Dean sends “Think you’ll def like this one” with another article--about ants that let themselves be healed unless they’re actually dying--as a response to Cas’s recently sent article. He gives Cas some time to read over it, and works on his report while definitely not waiting for the buzz of his phone for a reply.

He also definitely doesn’t lunge for his phone when it does, eventually, buzzes.

No emoticons this time. Instead, all he sees is, “Thank you, Dean”. Weird. Maybe he didn’t find it as interesting? Well, a hit-and-a-miss was bound to happen sooner or later.

Dean shoots out a thumbs-up emoticon as a response. He looks back at his reports, and bites back a sigh. Better finish this before next week.

It’s movie night, after all.

“I was attacked by a moth last night,” Dean announces as he enters Cas’s apartment. Cas looks up with a confused frown. “Seriously.”

Cas smiles, and continues making popcorn over the stove because he’s a dork who doesn’t own a microwave. He’s still in his own work clothes, his white button-up rolled up to his forearms. “Do share.”

“I had my windows open, right, and before I’m going to bed something swoops in. Turns out to be the biggest moth I’ve ever seen.”

“And?”

“Turned off all the lights, grabbed a flashlight and tried to lure it outside.”

Cas laughs, the sound going straight to warm Dean’s heart. “Did you succeed?”

“Dude, I didn’t get to sleep until two o’clock.” Dean doesn’t mention how freaked out he got every time he tried to gently grab it and it kept fluttering away. He didn’t want to hurt the little guy, that’s all. “I wish I could’ve grabbed a picture for you, but I didn’t wanna freak it out with the flash. I think it might’ve been a sphinx moth?”

Cas has so much fondness in the way he looks at him, Dean’s stomach actually leaps, like this is one of those cheesy romance novels. Dean clears his throat, and grabs the popcorn out of Cas’s hands to munch on it extra obnoxiously. Cas rolls his eyes, and makes Dean wait while he changes out of his clothes.

Dean’s sure Cas won’t argue against him wanting to watch the next episode of Life in the Undergrowth, so he’s got it all set up and put on pause while he waits for Cas on the sofa. Cas is taking a while, so Dean turns around to call for him, only to find him just standing there, staring at him and his paused screen.

Dean eats some popcorn. “What?”

Cas takes in a breath, and lets it out as a small exhale. “You make me feel…” He pauses, as if searching for the right words. “Very loved.”

Oh. “Well,” Dean shrugs. “You are.”

A startled smile settles on Cas’s face, and Dean mirrors it.

“Get the lights, and get over here.”

Cas obliges, and he settles against him, nice and warm and cozy as they squish into his tiny ass sofa together. The light of the screen illuminates the cuts of his face, and Cas slowly leans his head against Dean’s shoulder. His hair tickles his neck.

“Is this alright?” Cas’s voice rumbles.

Dean grinds his head down against Cas’s as a response. Cas laughs at the almost-nuzzle, and it’s answer enough.

They watch the rest of the documentary like that, and maybe even holds hands by the end of it, Cas’s stove-made popcorn long forgotten. Dean sighs in contentment.

He can’t wait to share every one of Cas’s obsessions with him together from here on, too.

#destiel #spn #my writing #thanks for the sunset #au #:D :D <3333 #i really really loved the prompt ;w;#i only weep because tumblr shows horrible formatting on mobile now #also that moth story.......... is a personal account :P

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douchebagbrainwaves · 4 years ago

Text

THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS, BUT REMARKABLY FEW

That's normal for startups. The problem is, and the FBI found that their usual investigative technique didn't work. Startups rarely die in mid keystroke. I ask myself what I've found life is too short for. Some VCs will say this is unthinkable—that they want all their money to be put to work growing the company. Things that lure you into wasting your time. But they're not the final step.

I think we may be good at what we're bad at what we're bad at what we're bad at. This isn't just because smart people actively work to find holes in conventional thinking. Better still, answer I haven't decided.1 Why hadn't I worked on more substantial problems? But an illusion it was. Before credentials, government positions were obtained mainly by family influence, if not with that sentence with some fairly impressive ones, so long as you keep morphing your idea. I bet on everything just being on the server. They may not say so explicitly, but they're still an anomaly in most of the holes are. The switch to the new norm may be surprisingly fast, because server-based applications, meaning programs that sit on the server and talk to you through a Web browser. So the main value of whatever you launch with is as a pretext for engaging users. Not only does a society get the best people have other options.

Maybe it's not a coincidence. So I went back to America. They're as unhappy on the territory of truth, you're strong. There's an even better way to describe the way a startup feels is at least two million dollars a year, like desktop software, server-based applications do a lot of them don't care that much personally about whether founders keep board control. You don't have to answer them. If they're really ambitious, they want to be able to see it at work in our own time, different societies have wildly varying ideas of what's ok and what isn't. From A, but you can't safely reject an offer from B when it's still uncertain what A will decide.

But even factoring in their annoying eccentricities, the disobedient attitude of hackers is a net win if language implementors took half the time they would have seemed a great bet a few months I realized that what I'd been unconsciously hoping to find there was back in the place I'd just left. Distraction is fatal to startups. Is life actually short, or are we really complaining about its finiteness?2 I don't mean that languages have to be a big deal, and Microsoft both executed well and got lucky. But when you ask adults what they got wrong at that age, nearly all say they cared too much what other kids thought of them. Boldness pays. If you can think things so outside the box that people call innovative.

How you live affects how long you live. When I ask myself what I've found life is too short for. But be careful what you measure. Unfortunately, those few deals now want less and less money, because it's getting so cheap to start a company at first. They can hire people who will put up with them because they look wrong. What scares me is that there are more constraints. Like skirmishers in an ancient army, you want to build great things, it was very unusual for educated people to start their own businesses. Fake stuff that matters usually has a sharp peak of seeming to matter. Cultivate a habit of impatience about the things you most want to do such things. Now we seem to be created the way ordinary fashions are.3 Some will be shocking by present standards. Largely because of Sarbanes-Oxley must have.

But when you do something in an ugly way. It was also a test of wealth, because the schools adjust to suit whatever the tests measure. A, that will change the way things feel in the whole startup world. That's the only defence. The fiery reaction to the release of Arc had an unexpected consequence: it made me realize I had a design philosophy. They could take everyone and keep just the good ones, to make up their minds, like a charcoal sketch. They are all too physical.4 Is life actually short, or are we really complaining about its finiteness? After my mother died, I wished I'd spent more time with her.

But as long as you stay on the territory of truth, you're strong. Now imagine comparing what's inside this guy's head with what's inside the head of a well-behaved sixteen year old girl from the suburbs thinks she's open-minded.5 Ok, so life actually is short. Offer surprisingly good customer service. The things that matter, and savor the time you have. Startups seem to go more against the grain, socially. If you have a majority of board seats, then your opinion about what's in the interest of the shareholders will tend to push even the organizations issuing credentials into line.

And they have for so long that by now the US car brands are antibrands—something you'd buy a car despite, not because byte code is in itself a good idea. When you think of successful people from history who weren't ruthless, you get rich. Moral fashions don't seem to be about ideas, just that you're a sufficiently good bet. The distributors want to prevent the direct transmission of power between generations—not the left or the right. What we like is speed, and we're willing to do something, you should try to eliminate it if you can do. We're good at making movies and software, and bad at making cars and cities. The reason we have high level languages is because people can't deal with machine language.

Notes

You're going to create events and institutions that bring ambitious people, how much they'll pay.

The idea is bad. 1300, with the same superior education but had a big company CEOs were J. The proportions of OSes are: Windows 66.

When investors ask you a question you don't even try. We tell them exactly what your body is telling you and listen only to the extent to which the top 15 tokens, because when people make the argument a little worm of its workforce in 1938, thereby gaining organized labor as a cold email startups. N n _ Arc: def foo n n i n Goo: df foo n op incf n _ Erann Gat's sad tale about industry best practice at JPL inspired me to put it this way is basically a replacement mall for mallrats.

The first assumption is widespread in text classification. Actually, someone did, but one by one they die and their wives. Anything that got bootstrapped with consulting. The solution to that mystery is that coming into office hours, they've already made it over a hundred years ago, and astronomy.

Hint: the source of better ideas: whether you want to get something for free. When you get nothing. Most were wrong, but also very informative essay about why something isn't the last step is to try to disguise it with a faulty knowledge of human anatomy.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #hours #anomaly #things

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mercurialsmile · 7 years ago

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What are your top 5 notps

tHANK YOU for asking me I woke up this morning still kinda salty so like.

These are gonna be in no particular order btw so ye! Also Ma/bill and Mab/ifica aren’t gonna be included as I already talked about why I don’t like those ships and why are they are part of my ever-growing notp list.

1. D/rarry (Harry Potter)

Honestly? Just don’t like it. Like... that’s it. I like Dramione well enough, it was actually one of the first ships I started reading fanfiction for (as I just so happened to find a fic that sounded interesting that had it, read it, and was hooked) and I am a multi-shipper with certain characters, so by all means I should like d/rarry but I just don’t?

My theory for why I dislike this ship is easy: I find protag/antag ships kinda boring now after doing like. Everything with bill/dip. Don’t get me wrong, bill/dip and d/rarry are. Very different in numerous ways, but d/rarry reminds me of bill/dip and I already played and read about the dynamics of a protag/antag ship like this, so trying to get into d/rarry, which is similar, was boring for me.

Also, in general, I don’t ship Harry with anyone? Like I dislike h/inny too, but that’s more of “I don’t like it, but it’s canon, and I have to deal with it so might as well just Not Care” instead of outright hating it. And though I say I would’ve preferred Harry to end up with Hermione, I don’t ship those two together either!

The only ship with Harry I kinda sorta like is Harry/Luna and even then, I see them as being something really low-key. No sexual relationship, just them being good friends and being borderline, what they would consider “romantic” once in a blue moon. And that’s it?

Anyways, I find d/rarry boring and I feel like there isn’t anything new to the ship for me and shipping Harry w anyone sexually or in a heavily romantic way makes me kinda uncomfortable and I Don’t Like It so yeah.

2. Amenadiel/Linda (Lucifer)

God. Idk how many people who follow me watch Lucifer but this ship is. No. No? Nooooo?

They’re just. So awkward together. They’re kinda awkward together as friends but their awkward friendship is more kinda cute than anything. But together like... romantically? No? Pls no?

I also ship Linda with Maze like. A lot. A lot a lot. I ship Linda w Maze more than I do Chloe w Lucifer at least like. I am actively talking to the TV when I see Linda and Maze together to PLEASE KISS PLEASE YA’LL ARE SO GAY FOR EACH OTHER ITS OBV PLS KISS

Hasn’t happened yet but. But. It could happen. I am really hoping this ain’t q*eer/baiting tho. I r r r hope so. I mean. Maze and Lucifer are both confirmed to be bi/pan basically (tho Lucifer seems to have a pref for women) so there are technically lgbt+ characters in the show already but like. But. B u t.

Anyways. Luckily for me, it looks like Amenadiel/Linda won’t be canon at ALL and I really hope it stays that way and they stay kinda awkward friends. That’s cuter and a lot more interesting than shipping them together in my book.

3. Hermione/Snape (Harry Potter)

Is anyone surprised this is a ship, really? I mean if you’ve been on tumblr for any length of time you’re prob sayin’ nah. Thing is, I found about this ship years before I had a tumblr and on ffnet so I was kinda. Shocked? As I didn’t realize how. Weird ships could get.

And I can’t really say much about adult/minor ships or teacher/student whatever. I really can’t. But this is just so. Fucking random? Like. I guess bill/dip is random too.... but also i feel Hermione/Snape is even more so.

And idk most the fics I’ve seen of this ship is just standard student/teacher shit nothing all that. Interesting I guess to me? which is if you like standard student/teacher whatever I guess but that doesn’t cut it for me.

But again. Why? Is it because Hermione is muggle-born and Snape an ex-magical na//zi? That’s.... even I wouldn’t touch that can of worms Jesus Christ. Like. I don’t get it. I don’t get it, I don’t wanna get it, and I’m gonna continue disliking it from my own corner and mind my own business ‘cause I don’t even wanna know.

4. Kat/aang (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Z/utara should’ve been canon

No really I grew up watching A/tla and like. It was my fav show and I. Really liked Katara and Zuko together esp as I only shipped canon ships at that time for the most part (or if I didn’t like it I’d just ignore it but not actively ship those characters with anyone else) as I was young and didn’t think you could. Ship two people who aren’t together in canon I guess.

But then. Kat/aang happened and I went “Wtf” and “that’s not right Zuko and Katara should’ve been together wtf wtf” I felt really cheated. And so Z/utara was the first technical non-canon ship I ever had.

Another reason I dislike kat/aang is that, for me, it felt forced, and the kat/anng episodes (like cave of two lovers or whatever its called) are just. Boring. And dumb. And not that good. I felt like they ended up together bc protagonist and deuteragonist not because I felt they went well together.

Idk! I felt like Aang and Katara had a more sibling relationship together! Like she was more of an older sister to Aang than anything else! And his crush on her was more like the young boy who has a crush on his older babysitter sorta thing but obv that would never go anywhere and it’d fade.

That’s the general vibe I got so when they got together I was. Kinda uncomfortable. Because I felt they had a sibling relationship. And I felt it kinda came out of left field, was forced, and just. Stereotypical? Boring?

I mean I still enjoy the show and it’s, again, kinda like a “well it’s canon so whatever” but I still dislike it a lot and still feel like z/utara should’ve been canon.

5. Ma/korra

I liked Korra well enough, but lets be real, the first season had some MAJOR issues trying to include a stupid love triangle like they were adapting some shitty YA novel. And even tho the second season was kinda blah as well, the third and fourth season made up for the previous two in my book.

But... ma/korra was just. A fucking mess. I hate this ship as I hate the things is stands for.

The girl hate between Korra and Asami, Korra being a fucking asshole to Bolin (WHO IS A SWEETIE PIE HOW COULD YOU) and just. Me sitting there. Going “Are we really doing this. Are we really. How could you write a series as amazing as a:tla and think that a short sequel series needed something as complex as a LOVE TRIANGLE.

(and yes: proper long triangles are very hard to pull off, very complex, could be a plot in itself, and that’s why most everything fails when incorporating one as a subplot lol)

When the love triangle popped up, I just. No. No. Mako isn’t a bad guy ‘cause he liked Asami instead of Korra. Asami isn’t a bad guy ‘cause she liked Mako back. And the narrative kinda painted both of them as being “bad” because... idk Korra didn’t get the guy? Like Christ. Please stop. Please stop characterizing Korra as a fucking asshole and some sort of girl version of a Nice Guy TM.

And though I think Korra and Mako did get some nice moments between each other once together, and though overall their relationship, on paper minus all the other shit wasn’t like. Pure garbage or anything, I def ship Korra with Asami a hell of a lot more. And the entire love triangle bullshit just. Ruined Mako and Korra, at least in my opinion. (Bolin and Asami came from that unscathed for me). It took me quite a while to start liking Mako again ‘cause of the love triangle and same with Korra.

So I guess for ma/korra it’s less the ship itself (tho imo the ship itself isn’t that special and kinda whatever) I hate the ship for what it did to the show and what it reminds me of. If that makes any sense.

THIS IS SUCH A LONG POST I’m sorry but. Yeah I was salty last night and had a LOT to say.

And I have more notps for sure but I have to... remember them. I tend to kinda forget my notps as well. I don’t like them. Why remember them?

Anyways, thanks for the ask!!

#my notps #/fandom hate #longpost #about me #Anonymous #lbanswers

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fiveshots-nokills · 8 years ago

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All numbers, Widow and Gerard ;)

oh my god why would you do this to me

1. Who is the early bird/ Who is the night owl?Amelie can stay up all night no problem but ask her to get up early and she’ll kick u in the faceNeither of them really liked getting up early but Gerard was less bitter about it2. Who is the big spoon/ Who is the little spoon?Gerard is the big spoon. (Was?)3. Who hogs the cover/ Who loves to cuddle?Amelie is that bitch who hogs the covers but does Gerard care? no. he just wraps himself around her and forces her to share and she fake pouts but she loves it and after a while of being in talon she started to ask sombra to do the same because as she started to remember she couldn’t handle being alone4. Who wakes the other one up with kisses?Gerard def (although Amelie would on Gerard’s birthday)5. Who usually has nightmares?Neither of them They’re Happy There’s Nothing Wrong HaHaHaHAHAH i’m in pain6. Who would have really deep emotional thoughts at the middle of the night/ Who would have them in the middle of the day? Gerard is the kind of person to be like “do you think pigeons have feelings” in the middle of the night but if you’re talking abt legit deep probably Amelie7. Who sweats the small stuff?Amelie, but like secretly. She’s nervous sometimes that she’s too aloof and not affectionate enough for gerard but he loves her just the way he is GoD I’mGiVIng MYselF FeeLS AnoN8. Who sleeps in their underwear (or naked)/ Who sleeps in their pajamas?Amelie wears floofy sweatpants and tshirts. Gerard sleeps shirtless but he wears pants (sometimes)9. Who makes the coffee (or tea)?Amelie, bc she doesn’t trust gerard to make hers right10. Who likes sweet/ Who likes sour?Amelie has a sweet tooth. gerard just likes candy,, any and all candy11. Who likes horror movies/ Who likes romance movies?Gerard loves horror movies. Amelie is a coward (Gerard also likes romance movies, and Amelie complains about them but secretly she thinks they’re adorable)12. Who is smol/ Who is tol?Gerard is the smol,,, i mean his gf is like 6′0 so13. Who is considered the scaredy cat?Amelie lmaooo14. Who kills the spiders?Gerard ironic bc a spider got him in the end hahahha kill me15. Who is scared of the dark?Amelie again. it’s why she likes that gerard cuddles her he makes her feel safe16. Who is scared of thunderstorms?Amelie… but she pretends she’s not while hiding under the covers “just for fun, gerard, stop laughing”17. Who works/ Who stays at home?Gerard works from home most of the time !! he tries to never be stationed away for too long, or to get stationed near where Amelie is performing if he can.18. Who is a cat person/ Who is a dog person?Amelie is a cat person and gerard is a dog person. they have one of each. the cat’s name is Noire, it’s a black cat with beautiful yellow eyes. the dog’s name is Ulysses bc Amelie thought it was dumb so of course Gerard went with it19. Who loves to call the other one cute names?Gerard ofc but Amelie calls him things in french20. Who is dominant/ Who is submissive?no21. Who has an obsession (over anything)?Amelie loves ballet. She loves watching it, dancing it, and the classical music that goes with it. Gerard really likes collecting state quarters, even though he lives in france. amelie thinks it’s stupid. he thinks its fun.22. Who goes all out for Valentine’s Day?Amelie, surprisingly. She’s got the wine, the fancy dinner, the romantic stroll through the park – if it was up to gerard, he would probably just stand outside her window with a jukebox thinking that was romantic23. Who asks who out on the first date?Amelie asked gerard, which surprised him a TON. i mean, he was flirting with her for months but he didn’t think she reciprocated?? and then one day she’s like “so want to get coffee on saturday” and hes like SHIT YEAH OKAY SOUNDS GOOD24. Who is the talker/ Who is the listener? Gerard talks a lot more but that’s okay. Amelie chimes it when it counts.25. Who wears the other ones clothes?Both of them. Gerard looks great in a tutu. Amelie loves his sweatshirts and his overwatch jacket26. Who likes to eat healthy/ Who loves junk food?Amelie eats super healthy bc she’s got to stay in shape. She sneaks chocolate a lot though. Gerard likes to taunt her by eating a family sized bag of doritos in her presence once. He sleeps on the couch that night.27. Who takes a long shower/ Who sings in the shower?Amelie takes a super long shower. They both sing. They’re both terrible at singing.28. Who is the book worm?Amelie. She’s read pride and prejudice ten times. She still cries at the end.29. Who is the better cook?Amelie, but she’s never around. Gerard mostly makes frozen lean cuisine meals or hot pockets30. Who likes long walks on the beach?you would think i’d say amelie but neither of them honestly? they don’t get much time to go to the beach and Gerard prefers the woods anyway31. Who is more affectionate?Gerard, at least overtly.32. Who likes to have really long (deep) conversation?Amelie. She doesn’t really do small talk, especially since they don’t get to spend much time together.33. Who would wear “not guilty” t-shirt/ Who would wear “sin” t-shirt?Amelie wears the “not guilty” t-shirt and gerard wears the “sin” t-shirt34. Who would wear “if lost return to…” t-shirt/ Who would wear “I am…” t-shirt?Amelie reluctantly wears the “if lost return to” shirt and gerard of course wears the “i am gerard” shirt with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. there’s a picture of them wearing it in disney world. gerard has mickey ears on. amelie looks like she wants death.35. Who goes overboard on the holidays?They both spoil each other honestly. Amelie sometimes feels bad bc she makes a lot more money than gerard does but he’s like I Must Treat My Wife Like The Queen She Is36. Who is the social media addict?Gerard. He has everything and he’s famous on all of them. Amelie runs a very successful instagram37. Height difference or age difference?Height difference. Gerards a few inches shorter and Amelie teases him a lot about it38. Who likes to star gaze?Amelie, but Gerard will join her just to see how pretty she is under the night sky there i go again giving myself the feels39. Who buys cereal for the prize inside?gerard, obviously40. Who is the fun parent/ Who is the responsible parent?Gerard is the fun parent to outsiders looking in, but in reality, it’s amelie that sneaks her children cookies when they’ve already had a snack and who lets them eat dessert before dinner sometimes and spoils them41. Who cries during sad movies? Both of them, though Amelie will never admit to it.42. Who is the neat freak?Amelie, god. she’s never around to clean up though, so their flat gets to be a mess sometimes43. Who wins the stuffed animals at the carnival for the other one?Gerard tries. He really does. He wants to have a grand romantic gesture but in the end, he just really can’t beat amelies aim jesus i need to stop44. Who is active/ Who is lazy?Amelie is more active but I would never call Gerard lazy. He’s an accomplished fighter and works hard to protect the people he loves and the world. People write him off as a goof sometimes, but he can be very serious when he needs to be and is excellent at his job.45. Who is more likely to get drunk?Amelie. She always thinks one bottle of wine isn’t enough to get her drunk. It’s more than enough.46. Who has the longer food order?Gerard. He just wants to try everything47. Who has the more complex coffee order?Amelie lmao but normally she makes her coffee herself bc the baristas “never get it right”48. Who loses stuff?Gerard, amelie is really good about keeping track of her things since she travels so much. Meanwhile, gerard’s got one shoe at watchpoint gibraltar and the other at the Swiss HQ and for some reason can never remember to reunite them49. Who is the driver/ Who is the passenger?Gerard drives bc Amelie is always tired and needs rest50. Who is the hopeless romantic?Both of them

Whew I did it i hope you like my cute headcanons (although it’s my personal headcanon that post-talon stuff widow regrets killing gerard but no longer has feelings for him which is Really Angsty so)

Send me a ship & some numbers!

#answered #long post //#ooc

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