#deadbeat dad of the century

[luckysheikah]

just finished the million dollar pentagram toichi kuroba when i get you

[susspirria]

[jeezlouiseoncheese]

the archives crew across all seasons is just one incredibly dysfunctional family that only exist because their deadbeat abusive dad won’t stop adopting new people because of his (unaddressed) need to prove himself as a successful man by raising a family and continuously failing miserably at it because he also decided to leave his empathy and morals back in the 15th century

[thebramblewood]

This book might as well be called So Your Deadbeat Vampire Dad Abandoned You: What Now?

Previous / Next

Helena, thinking: Well, if it’s just going to sit there, I might as well read the thing…

Introduction: Vampirism is no easy existence and will certainly not be long endured by the weak-willed, faint of heart, or squeamish. Fledglings who lack the knowledge or means to satisfy their all-consuming thirst and guard against their newfound weaknesses are far less likely to survive the initial stages of transformation, in which the craving for blood threatens to override all capacity for self-control. If they find themselves lucky enough to be under the tutelage of an intelligent and attentive sire, young vampires can not only mature but thrive for many centuries in their strange new forms. However, the presence of such a devoted mentor is not always guaranteed. Therefore, this book aims to serve as an instructional guide to attending to one’s needs and harnessing one’s abilities for those newly turned vampires who find themselves without a teacher.

Helena, thinking: Hmm, it's almost a little bit too on the nose.

Chapter 1: Dark Form Mastery

Helena, thinking: God, I feel ridiculous. Did it even work? It’d be nice if I could see my reflection right now.

Chapter 2: Bat Manifestation and Flight

Helena, thinking: Here goes nothing, I guess.

OW! OOF!

That’s going to take some practice.

[debrouiller]

DO interact:

173 year old ex-dmv workers, two time escapees of chemical ice jail, presumed insane ivy league professors known for disappearing, restaurant managers who declared war on an intergalactic dictatorship and WON, 20th century christian radio hosts who are “the hot ones,” big malevolent things, unkillable robots made to accost estranged ex-husbands, barts, annas, molotov cocktails brought to you by communism, space pirates, elders who lost an arm in the Justine Burbank system, space pirate lawyers, talking plants who didn’t disclose they were poisonous, cooks who didn’t disclose they were engineers who didn’t disclose they were criminals, zombified mallgoers, aliens interfering with human life for better reality tv, confused motel owners and their cousins, people who couldn’t see Ashley the asteroid, people who could see Ashley the asteroid, booth enthusiasts, pocket dimension dwelling wolves named after the members of a kpop group, redheaded self-fulfilling prophecies who are the river and the tiger and the fire, deadbeat dads with two moms, scientists befriended by fourth dimensional beings, time traveling coworkers who bit and then exploded john wilkes booth, collapsing waveforms that used to be arkansas residents, hogs named pansy, and finally, people who run a diner.

[irishmammonagenda]

PLEASE MORE MICHAEL CONTENT I AM ON MY KNEES BEGGING U CRYING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLESASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEA

-yk who 😞

i do know who😈😈‼️‼️‼️

i love writing michael sm heehee anyway thanks for the ask pooks 🫶🫶🫶

grma <3

Unsane Uncles-An Obey Me x Reader

Summary: Michael realises some shocking news, has a crisis, as per usual, chaos ensues. Word Count: 1.5k Warnings: nothing I don't think, for anyone that doesnt know, i headcannon michael as lucifers twin, this was written with my 'Death is a Debatable Thing' Au in mind, but it can be read as a stand alone <3

post dividers by @saradika-graphics

The café was quaint, quiet and out of the way. It had been ages since you'd last visited the Human Realm. The soft sounds of chatter and cutlery clinking created a calm atmosphere. Well calm for the most part.

Michael sat on the chair opposite to yours looking quite frazzled. His white button down rolled up to just above the elbows and a few of the topmost buttons undone. His long golden curls done up in a messy plait, nonconforming strands coiling around his unusually antsy face. Long dexterous fingers wrap around his coffee mug, he brings it to his lips and takes a sip before setting it down with a little too much force. You watch the scene amusedly.

“I just- I don’t know what to do!” he runs a hand through his hair, looking up at you with stressed, ruby red eyes. "I mean?- Is it too late to give my congratulations?!...Or a push present?!"

You bite your tongue to keep from laughing, the Archangel notices. "This is serious MC! I am the worst uncle ever!"

You tilt your head, "Did you not think it was strange when the brothers first fell that Satan just kind of poofed into existence?"

Michael gives a thoughtful look, before making a 'meh' face and shrugging his shoulders. "I kind of just thought Satan was a low ranking angel that fell with the actual memorable ones, and that I had just... never cared to learn his name before he fell."

"You didn't ask?" You take a sip of your warm drink, revelling in how satisfying the hot liquid felt when it hit the back of your throat and warmed you up from the inside, especially as it was fucking baltic outside.

"Yes." Michael smiles sarcastically, "Because taking a trip down to the Devildom straight after the Celestial War to ask about the demon who kept biting people and snarling would've gone great for me."

"Touché." You grin. Michael's expression falls back from sarcastic to strained, his gorgeous features bathed in stress.

"But seriously MC! I've missed out on centuries as an uncle! That's so many birthdays! Luke must think I'm a deadbeat! I already act like I'm a divorced dad with visitation rights because I can't visit very often!"

You snort. "I don't think Luke knows."

Michael sinks into his seat, "Oh thank Father."

He stays there for a moment, the soft golden glow of the café lights on his dark skin so similar to the aureate ambiance of the Celestial Realm that you almost forget that you're back in the human world. He flutters his eyes closed, a hand over his brow in what can only be described as a himbo-ified imitation of a sickly Victorian woman saying something along the lines of 'Woe is I!" after finding out poor people actually have feelings. What a fucking drama king. You hold back a snort. Michael groans before swinging back up like a jack-in-the-box, his usual cheerful yet cheeky smile on his handsome face, he joins his hands together as he rests his arms on the wooden table, as if completely oblivious to the complete 180 he had turned. "So! MC, have I ever told you about the time Lucifer ran into a glass door in the Celestial Realm?"

You shake your head, grinning mischieviously, "I don't think you have!"

Hours Later, down in the Devildom, in RAD's royal library, Satan sneezed. He paused for a moment more before folding his handkerchief up and putting it back in his pocket, making a mental note to wash it when he got back to the House of Lamentation.

He groans, arching his back and stretching his arms out in an attempt to weave out any knots in his muscles. He'd been in the library since school had ended. Still unable to shake the feeling something was going to happen, Satan got up off of his chair, packed his books away, and made the journey home.

Walking alone through the cobbled streets of the Realm was calming and peaceful. Halfway through his siúl suaimneach, he comes face to face with a gathering of the stray cats he'd normally feed.

The Avatar of Wrath coos at them, hunkering down and reaching into his bag for some of the cat treats he'd normally kept in there. "Aww..." He mutters, speaking in a baby voice to the cats, scratching an old tabby's fur. "You've gotten so big, Purrsephone!" He scritches underneath the young cats chin, smiling as she purrs and remembering fondly when the cat was just a small kitten trailing behind her mother like a second, small adorable shadow.

As he pulls out the bag of treats onehanded, the symphony of meowing reaches a polyphonic crescendo, cats and kittens of all shapes, colours and sizes scramble towards Satan with more purpose now, all meowing for food. He chuckles, indulging the felines, petting them as they nibble and chew on the kitty treats.

Unbeknownst to the Avatar of Wrath, a good quarter of a mile away from where he congregated with the cats, a certain Archangel and his accomplice stood hiding in an alleyway.

In the shadows of the alleyway, Michael was clumsily putting on his batman mask. He already had a matching batman suit and cape on, you however were much more serious, and were dressed up as Robin.

"Michael." You hiss exasperatedly. "You seriously can't think that sneaking up on the Avatar of Wrath is a good idea!"

Michael merely waved you off with one hand, his other carrying his 'surprise for his most favouritest nephew in the three realms' as he'd deemed it. "Besides MC is worst comes to worst, you can just pop out!"

You nod. "Good point. "You face breaks into a grin matching Michael's, "This is going to be fun to watch."

Michael goes to say something before you both hear footsteps, your eyes widen. "Oh shit...he's coming..."

Quickly you dart behind the dumpsters, Michael moves to the wall of the alleyway. Holding his breath as he listens to the footsteps of a certain green-eyed demon.

After having petted the cats, Satan got up and begrudgingly left them in order to continue his journey home.

Lost in his thoughts, he can't help but feel as if something is watching him, thinking its just his imagination, he walks on. Who would be stupid enough to sneak up on the Avatar of Wrath?

An idiot in a batman costume apparently.

Satan jumped as the lunatic hopped out from the alleyway, hands behind his back.

"Psst! Kid!" The stranger in the batman costume says, ruby red eyes that reminded him of Lucifer staring at him. "I have a surprise for you!"

Satan's tail whips around his legs, on the defensive. "I'm not a kid." He says coldly. "And what surprise?"

"Heeheehee." The strange man giggles, before taking his hands away from where they were behind his back and revealling a small tiny little kitten, fur as dark as night, with an emerald green bow wrapped loosely around its little neck, having been jostled, the tiny creature meows in protest, big green eyes blinking sleepily. Satan's harsh, mistrusting glare softens as he looks at the kitten, moving to take it out of the strangers hands before his eyes narrow.

"What's the catch?"

"The catch?" 'Batman' says indignantly, as if Satan had gravely offended him. "The catch? How dare you! There is no catch! Can't an uncle give his nephew a present to make up for millennia upon millennia of missed birthdays?!"

Satan blinks. "It's March. It's nowhere near my birthday. And Uncle?" Green eyes narrow again. "I don't have any uncles."

The stranger sticks his tongue out. "Blah blah blah. You are just like your father. Take the fucking cat or I'm telling everyone that you're secretly Lucifer's son."

A vein pops on Satan's head. "Excuse me?!"

The stranger chuckles nervously upon sensing Satan's wrath bubble like magma beneath the surface of his skin, ready to boil over and erupt. When Satan's eyes flashed dangerously the stranger spluttered out. "Oh shit....! Uhhh....Cat Attack!!!" That was the only warning Satan got before the tiny kitten was shoved gently but firmly into his hands, his eyes immedietely softened, the rage slowed down from a boil as he looked into the soft innocent eyes of the kittykat.

He looked up at the stranger, who in his frenzy, had lost his batman mask. Ruby red eyes and golden curls tied in french plaits and tucked into the rest of the suit greeted him. Unholy fuck. Was that Archangel Michael.

The Archangel grins at him, "Enjoy your gift! Tell Lucikins I said hi! Oh and also the cats a girl, you can name her! Come visit your favourite uncle soon! Byebye!" Michael shouts to him, before he turns around, and fucking books it, sprinting away from the Avatar of Wrath at a speed that could rival Mammon running from Lucifer.

Satan stood shellshocked by the whole ordeal having acquired a tiny kitten and an uncle who needed to be institutionalised.

He grinned down at the kitten, "I'm gonna call you Dorcha."

Judging by the small creatures tiny meow, he'd gamble that she liked that name.

A/N: im so sorry this is so short, ive been busy w irl stuff, but this was a fun ask <3

also dorcha is sort of pronounced 'door-ah-ha' but you sort of say the 'ch' with your throat, idk how to explain it, but it means 'dark' 💗💗

siúl suaimhneach (shoe-el soo-ehve-neyak, except dont pronounce the 'ch' as a 'keh' and pronounce it liek gutturally!!!) it means 'peaceful walk' but suaimhneach can also mean tranquil or quiet

[bigskydreaming]

The Vampire Daniel Molloy, when Louis asks what he's looking forward to most about the next stage of his newly immortal life:

Hmm. With how much my maker already complains about me ruining his life and how every day I give him a new reason to regret ever siring me, if I had to pick just one thing, I'd say the thing I'm most looking forward to is when I hit vampire puberty.

Louis: ....

Daniel: Vampire puberty's when the really wild superpowers kick in, right?

Louis: I suppose technically that's not....inaccurate.

Daniel: Hey, what are the chances of me getting the 'set shit on fire with my brain' thing you've got? Can you even imagine how much that would piss him off? His disappointment of a fledgling having the same gifts as the ex who dumped his ass....oh, man. C'mon now. I bet I could do some real damage with that.

Louis: Actually, while we're near the subject: would you please stop introducing yourself as 'the reason your vampire parents got divorced?'

Daniel: No, Louis, Louis! You're not getting it, see....the thing that makes it funny is its true.

Louis: You've really decided to lean into the whole 'second childhood' angle, huh.

Daniel: Mmmm. And just think. If you'd turned me fifty years ago when I first asked, I'd be well past this stage by now. And also still twenty. And hot.

Louis: Ahh. Its like that, then, is it.

Daniel: Oh, only a little bit. Really though, its like, every day I discover a new way to make Armand rue my very existence all over again, and maybe I'm just a simple man with simple needs, because that's just....very fun for me. I mean, there's just something extra validating in knowing the guy you're all "fuck that guy, I hate him, he sucks" about hates you waaaay more than you can be bothered to hate him. Because then its like you win the feud, right? You still get to hate that guy, which is great, because fuck that guy, he sucks, but you also get to know your very existence drives him way crazier than his ever makes you, and I mean, let's be real. Who doesn't like winning things?

Louis: Well I'm so glad you've found something that gives you a sense of purpose at least. Its very -

Daniel: Yeah, yeah, immortal blood drinkers need hobbies other than mass murder, it keeps the body count low and is good for the environment. Relax. I know. I literally wrote the book on it. You were there.

Louis: That's what you got out of it?

Daniel: Why, did you want me to fixate on your sex scenes instead? That seems weird. A little narcissistic even. And at the risk of self-awareness, when I'm the one -

Louis: Right. Well. I just wanted to make sure you had something to focus your energies on. It can all be a bit overwhelming at first and with your level of public attention at the moment, its very crit -

Daniel: Nope, all good here. Got myself a steady supply of Deadbeat Dad jokes that make my maker's eye twitch - apparently base word play is "gauche" or some shit - ugh, my god, its like nothing I do is ever good enough for him, and I only ate one of the editors on my shitlist to test drive my shiny new murder skills. He had this thing about Oxford commas, used to bug the crap out of me. Its like we get it, you hate them. They're literally dots on a page, they can't hurt you, can we please move on....

Louis: ....

Daniel: Louis, I'm kidding. Look, you don't have to worry about me. I already decided I find emotional evisceration way more satisfying than the physical version. Less clean up and it lasts longer anyway. I'm not going to get myself into trouble by cosplaying as Jack the Ripper where paparazzi can catch me red-fanged, and even if I do, I hereby absolve you of all responsibility. You can stop mother-henning me, you didn't turn me, you literally said no when I begged you to, its the whole reason I have eternal wrinkles instead of youthful tautness.

Louis: Not gonna let that one go, are you.

Daniel: Gimme a few centuries and ask me again. I'll let you know then.

Louis: Mmhmm. So this was....memorable and we definitely won't be doing it again. But you do seem to have things figured out so I'll leave you to it, then.

Daniel: Wait, Louis, don't go! Don't you want to hear my five-century life plan for annoying Armand into an early retirement mausoleum? I made visual aids!

Louis: Goodbye, Daniel.

Daniel: Fine, leave then! I don't care! You're not my real dad anyway! Et cetera, et cetera!

[quitealotofsodapop]

Redson is very much the spoiled child throwing a tantrum at his grounding. That is absolutely not fair! Just a few days prior, his parents were maniacally laughing at the idea of conquest and destruction. What suddenly changed!? It's all just boiling down to Redson not coping with the new and unexpected shift in his parents' moral compass after reuniting with Wukong well at all. His whole life he'd been told stories about his father's exploits and dreams of conquest thay got ruined by Sun Wukong amd whole he knows Wukong is his uncle, most of his knowledge of him up until that point ia Wukong sealing his father away making him an enemy. He does not understand why the idea that his little brother might fear him shakes his father so much, mainly because he doesn't understand the underlying complexity in DBK and Sun Wukong's relationship at that point.

Prev on Marble Egg au.

Yeah, Red Son isn't having a fun time. From his perspective, he's been gearing up to help his parents take over the world for centuries, only for his mom and dad to decide "Nah we ain't doing that anymore." and start being chummy with the very man who sealed his father away for 500 years! This also applies to the Slow Boiled au.

He knows Wukong is his uncle by bond. But he also grew up being told how much he hurt his family. From Red's perspective, its like DBK forgave his deadbeat brother for nearly killing him.

Add on the fact that Red canonically didn't know/remember the Samadhi Fire ritual, and Red feels no "debt" to Sun Wukong like his parents do. Red causes a lot of havoc in S1 in order to make up for his parents "sudden" change of heart.

But a major factor that Red misses, something that only comes to a head around the end of S1 with his father falling under LBD's control; is that his father is disappointed. Not in Red, never in his dear calf, even if DBK is finding it hard to bond with the grown-up version of his child. But in himself.

DBK, post S1: "Son, are you... afraid of me?" Red Son, confused: "About as much as a child should be of their father. Why?" DBK, disappointed huff: "There's a fine line between respect and terror. With respect, people react towards your character - with fear they only react to avoid your hand... I never wanted Sun Wukong to be afraid to confront me." Red Son, incensed: "But father! He humiliated you! He locked you away for 500 years! He took you from us!" DBK, voice raising: "And you think you would have been better off had I been successful!?" Red Son: (*flinches at the raise of DBK's voice*) DBK: (*pales as he notices Red's reaction.*) DBK: "Son I... I never wanted my family to fear me. I never wanted to be the sort of father who's child flinched at his words... not like my own. I hope you come to understand my reasoning for abandoning our plans." (*leaves*) Red Son: (*concerned and even more confused*)

Another part of DBK's disappointment in becoming a threat to his brother, is the thought that he had become a threat to his own child. He never wanted that. He pacified Heaven and abandoned Hell in order to have a family he would cherish, why would he ever want them to fear him?

The cause behind his rampage all those years ago is lost to the ages, and DBK doesn't even care to remember any more. He needs to rebuild the bond between his family, one chain at a time.

[anthurak]

So here’s a bit of a hot take on the Hazbin fandom:

The whole ‘Carmilla as Vaggie’s Mom’ headcanons are seriously overrated.

It’s like Carmilla acts mentorly to Vaggie for one song number and suddenly people just start going ‘OMG, she should totally adopt Vaggie!’ or ‘What if she WAS Vaggie’s mom!’ or ‘Maybe she’s Vaggie’s REAL MOM ALL ALONG!’.

I mean does Vaggie seem to actually… want or otherwise be in need of a maternal figure in her life? Does Carmilla have any actual thematic connection to Vaggie?

Like it’s not even a bad or questionable or ‘problematic’ headcanon in and of itself, I just think it kind of reeks of fandom fixation on ‘found family’. Specifically the homogenized, sanded-down, boring-as-fuck nuclearized version that’s become distressingly popular as of late.

I mean let’s be honest, it was never specifically about Carmilla. People would have started mom-shipping ANY hot older woman who acted vaguely mentorly at Vaggie. Carmilla was just the first one.

After all, the same thing happened with Rosie and Charlie. It seems Lilith only has to be gone for seven years out of her ADULT daughter’s centuries-long life for people to throw her under the bus as a heartless deadbeat and declare Rosie to be Charlie’s ‘real mom’.

And really, if Vaggie simply MUST have a parent-figure in her life, then cool-dad-in-law Lucifer is just, right fucking there. And seriously WAY more interesting than Carmilla as a parent-figure to Vaggie what with whole ‘both being fallen angels’ thing.

[darkmasterofcupcakes]

I know Adam was a deadbeat dad, but did he ever showed his actual face to vaggie?

(I chose this one because not only it's the one where he look the best, but also before Lucifer use his face as a punching ball, therefore the only fair one to judge his appearance).

Lute and Adam hang out together and genuinely vibe together (just look at their fist bump and their actions while the other have their solo) , so it definitely would have included her being one of the only ones, if not the only one he's comfortable showing his face to.

This closeness would definitely influence any decisions Adam would have regarding showing his face to Vaggie, and also, it make it very possible that little Vaggie just saw it at least a few times.

Also, I hope you keep the "Charlie is 200+ years old" thing, because Vaggie and Emily too being this age is cool, and I really dislike any ideas of Charlie being young by human standards, since it take away from her being what she is, and it's hilarious that all the sinners at her hotel are younger even when combining human lifetime and time in Hell.

Adam never intentionally showed his face to Vaggie, but she had caught a glimpse of it a few times, namely when he'd visit Lute when a very young Vaggie was supposed to be sleeping, and she'd wake up before he was gone. And when she was old enough to start suspecting Adam was her father, she would try to remember his features and compare them to herself in the mirror, to try and see if she could prove it for sure, since she knew her mother wasn't ever going to tell her the truth of who her father was.

And yes, Vaggie, Emily, and Charlie are all over 200 years old, though Vaggie is the youngest of the three by about three months. They're all fairly young by Demon/Angel standards, but they're still centuries old by the time we meet them in the series.

[godofdumpsterfalling]

Headcanon Dump - Hermes & Apollo ft. Dionysus (Riordanverse)

Because I have a mountain of these and if I don’t organize them they will be completely incoherent. Under a cut for length.

- Apollo basically raised Hermes, for all the value of “raised” when concerning gods.

- Maia did not want to be a mother, and had no idea how to. She tried, and did care about Hermes, but was secretly relieved when Hermes took to following Apollo everywhere. Zeus was really perfecting his parenting style of the day, which was caring about his kids from a distance (he had other priorities, they were not really near the top) and occasionally popping in to give some Fatherly Advice or have bonding moment (omg taking his kids fishing…deadbeat dad core for REAL) before fucking off again like “parental control duties DONE I am SUCH a good dad. See you again in like 50 years, sport!” It was particularly bad when Hermes was born.

- Hermes followed Apollo around for a solid couple hundred years, acting as his shadow pretty much. It drove Athena and Artemis CRAZY. Apollo’s extroverted ass was completely baffled by people being off put by his baby brother basically being attached to his back. He’s not gonna bother you he’s just gonna hang out?? What’s the problem??

- Hermes stayed in a younger form for a looong time because he knew Apollo would never say no to him if he looked cute enough. Until he got hit with the depression beam, he kept whipping that form out whenever he got in trouble. He’s baby, your honor, you can’t be mad at a BABY

- Hermes held Dionysus for 2 seconds before he decided he was willing to die for this little guy. The couple hours after he was born were spent by Hermes holding him up to random family members and going “LOOK AT HIM HES SO SMALL” and the family members going “Hermes please do your job”

- When Dionysus joined Olympus, Hermes eagerly took him under his wing in a similar manner to Apollo taking on Hermes. Not as much weird parental responsibility though. But he was still following Apollo everywhere so Apollo got TWO mischievous shadows. Much to Artmemis’ dismay. Why are there TWO OF THEM

- All they ever had to do was duck behind Apollo and he’d defend them against whoever they’d pissed off now even when they were 100% in the wrong. Especially when they were 100% in the wrong, honestly.

- Zeus and Hermes’ relationship has a lot of layers (a post for another time) but the bare bones basics is that early on Zeus just thought he was a Clown (that’s my funny boy <3) and nowadays he’s Zeus’ under appreciated, overworked personal assistant. Although he’s kind of been Zeus’ lapdog since the beginning. Father Please Notice Me I am not as shiny as Apollo but I can roll over so nice pls pls pls

- Hermes has not had a nap in the past century somebody please help him. Give your local delivery man a nice tip because he has like 20 other domains and would rather be doing Literally Anything Else. And also a hug maybe, the most contact he ever gets is when he brushes hands with whoever he’s giving a package. Somebody get this man a paid vacation he has been holding Olympus together with duct tape

- Hermes has the worst case of Middle Child Syndrome Known To Man

- Hermes and Artemis like each other! Shockingly. For reasons unrelated to Apollo, even. They just like to hang out. Hermes is one of the two Olympians she’s happy to be around <3

- Apollo has tried, with varying success, to get Hermes and Athena to be friends. The results have been… mixed.

- Athena, Apollo and Hermes will occasionally have absolutely legendary verbal smackdowns. So brutal that it would actually evaporate a mortal on the spot. Indescribable, really. Anyone who overhears them will never mentally recover,

[deconstructthesoup]

Thoughts on a Hatchetfield/Fantasy High crossover

So, I know the odds are good that I'm sending this into a very niche void, but I also know that these fandoms overlap, so... yeah. Basically, this is a world where the Bad Kids (and I guess pretty much every character in the world of Spyre, but the Bad Kids are who we're focusing on) are seemingly normal humans living in Hatchetfield, with all the weirdness and danger it entails.

Let's get into it.

Fabian: He's a rich kid living in Pinebrook, the star quarterback of the Nighthawks, and is one of the most popular kids in school due to being rich, good at sports, and surprisingly nice---and he's dating Ragh, though that's something that's a bit on the down-low due to them worrying they'll get kicked off the team and Ragh not being quite ready to come out. Honestly, Fabian really shouldn't be tied up into the spookiness, if you take him at face value... except for the fact that both of his parents are very much tied into it. Haleriel's family has been in Hatchetfield since the beginning, and while they're not tied with the Church of the Starry Children or the Hatchetmen, they do have some serious occult connections. And Bill... well, as far as everyone knows, he's an Irish fencer who got into the big leagues, retired, and took up pirate LARPing in his spare time. All of that is true, except for the fact that he is, in fact, an actual seventeenth-century pirate who got on Tinky's bad side and wound up in 2000s Hatchetfield. Fabian doesn't know about this yet, but he will.

Gorgug: The result of a secret relationship between two Abstinence Camp junior counselors, Gorgug was originally raised in secret in Witchwood Forest until he was three, when he was found and promptly put up for adoption. By then, he was already unusually large, strong, and angry for his age, but he still found a loving home with the proprietors of Thistlespring Mechanics. Gorgug thankfully never got to the monstrous level of Lil' Gerry, and he can pass for a normal kid if you ignore his height... however, he has been homeschooled for a good portion of his life due to constantly having manic outbursts that took years to learn how to keep under control. When he finally goes to Hatchetfield High, Fabian and Ragh take him under their wing---if only because they took one look at him and realized that he'd be perfect for the Nighthawks---and Gorgug definitely begins to shine due to having friends. Still, though... you can never really get rid of how Witchwood Forest changes you.

Riz: Now, he is very much aware of all the crazy, scary, and inexplicable things that go around in Hatchetfield, to the point of becoming a paranormal investigator---YouTube channel and all. His mom isn't really sure what to make of this, but she's a cop, she's busy, and it mostly keeps Riz out of trouble. As far as he knows, his dad worked for the military, and he assumes that he died in combat (in reality, though, Pok was a PIEP agent who got killed by Blinky). Riz has a part of his paranormal investigator business that's open to him taking on cases for others, but people don't tend to take him up on the offer, and he's usually investigating strange happenings by himself. That is, until...

Fig: Unlike in canon, Fig has always known that Gilear was her stepdad, not her real dad, but she still considers him her dad---mostly because that for a good deal of her life, she grew up thinking that her real dad was a deadbeat who left her. After Gilear and Sandra Lynn get divorced, however, Fig decides to finally start looking into her biological dad... and she discovers that he didn't skip town as she initially believed, but he went missing shortly before she was born. The case went cold, and all that's known is that he was attempting to stop the Honey Festival---specifically, the pageant---before he disappeared. Fig, who's recently developed an interest in the occult, realizes that there's something sinister going on there, and she hires Riz to help her find out the truth. (Vague spoilers: Gorthalax---or, well, Gordon T. Ax---is alive, but he's been trapped by Nibbly as punishment for successfully interfering and saving the Honey Queen)

Kristen: She's essentially the Grace Chastity of this universe, just without the crazy---church girl, teacher's pet, yet actually a nice person who doesn't really realize just how messed up her parents' beliefs are. Though she doesn't know the details about the Black & White, her parents are part of a group that are descended from the original Hatchetmen, and they've taught her that anybody who has The Gift is inherently evil. Of course, Kristen has always had the power to magically heal others, and she's kept this hidden from her parents her whole life---which becomes harder as her powers start getting stronger. And then she starts having a sexuality crisis and a crisis of faith, triggered when she befriends the niece of Hatchetfield High's new guidance counselor. So, yeah, Kristen's not having a good time.

Adaine: Her family recently moved to Hatchetfield from London, supposedly because her dad's job changed. In reality, her parents are devout followers of Wiggly and the other LiB, and they know that Hatchetfield is the focal point of their power (and no, Alewyn doesn't know about this, but she does know more about the spooky stuff than she's letting on). For her part, Adaine has psychic powers similar to Hannah, right down to having Webby as an imaginary friend, but she keeps this secret from her parents... mostly due to the time when she was little and told them about Webby, and the reaction was pretty negative. On top of her powers, she's also struggling with her anxiety disorder, her gifted kid complex, and the general stress of going to a new school in a new country... so, it helps when she gets adopted by Kristen and Fig at the same time, and Webby immediately takes a liking to them both. Through Fig, she meets Riz, and then she meets Fabian at one of her parents' awful functions, and he introduces her and everyone else to Gorgug... and the Bad Kids can begin.

I've got a lot more ideas about this---mostly involving Ayda, Arthur Aguefort, the O'Shaughnesseys, and some fleeting concepts about The Seven---but that's for another post, so... yeah.

[verdemoun]

jumping ahead in the timeswap au because i am the captain personally i headcanon jack not making it to 20. i think life had well and truly defeated him and he was too tired to keep running, and he ended up hanged for ross's murder.

side tangent a) imagine the emotional devastation the VDLs in modern era would feel reading that. there's a grainy photo/sketch and they can almost tell what jack looks like, how much he looks like john, how old he already looks at 19, and then there's the noose sitting on his shoulders waiting for the trapdoor to be pulled. the article portrays ross as a poor elderly man of honor killed by jack marston, outlaw, a dangerous sociopath

side tangent b) john and jack being reunited. john really struggling not to be angry because he wanted/expected so much better for jack: knowing he was never an ideal father (or even a good father) but how much he didn't want his son to be like him, how clear he had been to never become an outlaw. then, the grief. it's only been 3 years but being able to see how much those three years have changed jack, physically and mentally, just by the way he carries himself and that dead, destroyed look in his eyes. jack struggling not to be angry for a lot of the same reasons because at 16 he was left taking care of abigail as heartbreak and illness killed her, and a ranch they could barely take care of together. jack realising his mom, dad and little sister got to play happy family in current day without him.

well now that that's out of the way: dues-ex-isaac morgan

isaac morgan deciding jack marston is his personal responsibility. sure, the whole recipe of staying in a house for a few weeks slowly learning about the current day slowly works for most VDLs, but isaac understands that not only is jack 19 (a teenager) but the culture shock isn't quite as severe going from 1914 as it was 1899.

isaac throws rocks at the window until jack sneaks out his first night in modern day. he forces a helmet onto his head and gives a vague warning that 'it's going to be faster than a horse', before setting off at very illegal speeds on his motorbike

jack immediately loves it. it's very much what he needed: the adrenaline, feeling like he's rebelling, seeing the chrome and crowds of city as a blur become more and more recognizable in outdated suburbs until they're pushing 100mph on the highway

isaac strategically takes him out to the desert, because the desert really hasn't changed that much, and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. they lay down and trauma-bond about how fucked their lives have been (isaac, who experienced the timewarp like a child moving house and had to teach things to his 19th century mother, jack, who grew up in the chaos of the VDL gang with his mother as the only constant: deadbeat dads taken to the metaphorical extreme).

'there's only two things you really need to know: you can't buy alcohol until you're 21 and cigarettes are actually really bad for you' 'cigarettes are BAD??????'

isaac introduces him to cliche teenage emo music through a dodgy bluetooth speaker. jack marston actually listens to music for the first time

arthur getting a frantic phone call from john saying jack snuck out

charles offering to help track them down, because they immediately know isaac is involved

charles and arthur finding a drunk isaac and jack air guitaring to mcr in the middle of the desert

isaac and jack are instant best friends. instead of the coddling most of the gang do when something is new and initially intimidating, isaac laughs at him and it's honestly more comforting. like yeah, traffic lights take a hot second, but jack does feel dumb for not realising that the changing lights and loud beeping meant it was time to walk/run.

isaac literally doesn't hold his hand unless he has to, meanwhile jack has had months of living alone as an outlaw in 1914. they balance each other out in the worst ways. isaac will say they shouldn't walk through a dark alley and jack is like pfft if someone tries to mug us i can take them

their hangouts go from jack bookworm marston helping isaac study at college to isaac being the one calling his dad because 'heeey we might be in jail' in 3 hours. all parental figures involved are going grey with stress

[i-can-not-art]

Can I pretty please have more angel lore? 🥺🙏

I love how you do angelic stuff with your OCs ><

Angel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCsAngel OCs

Sure pookie💖

The last lore post even made me get off my ass and actually name+think a bit more about the seraphim siblings

So I was kinda vague with the advancement district last time since it’s kinda (really) messy, but it’s basically the huge hospital/laboratories of heaven, where technology and experiments are held.

Only thing is, Hui Shizhuo, by far the youngest Seraphim and the seraphim in charge of the district, is secretly dead and Yang Hu (military seraphim) is illegally acting in place of him being a lil silly.

And one day, Yang Hu he saw Qing Xia down on earth who got a score of 800 on the gaokao (massive test every Chinese student has to take that determines their entire future, irl highest score is 750) and did a bunch of other stuff in the scientific/medical field, basically being any Chinese parents’ dream.

The only problem is that when he went down to earth, Xia was happy and didn’t wanna abandon literally everyone she knew for some shady angel. So he did the only sensible thing and dropped some of his blood into her eye, allowing him to slowly affect her mind and make her obsessive about her research and stuff (why she has weird red veiny marks on half of her body, the “veins” grew down from her eyes over time).

Then he left and let his blood kinda fester in her mind, until everyone left her because she was literally going insane and starting to only value her science (also she killed a bunch of people or something). When he came back she accepted and she became the only human working him heaven..

For what she does, well during the centuries war a lot of angels died, but angels don’t decay so heaven just had a bunch of fresh corpses laying around, and they gave a bunch of them to Qing Xia for her to figure out how to “improve” angels.

Eventually her research led to Yang Hu “redesigning” Yin Hu and her sister (who is currently declared fallen and dead, but is definitely not actually the very much alive Wei Zhi) to become stronger but also more feral and now they murder 100x better.

For the civilian seraphim, Chaoxiang Ji, he’s the second oldest and probably the sanest of his siblings, probably since a insane person looking after 80% of the population of angels wouldn’t end good.

He doesn’t really have much going one, but he doesn’t like Yang Hu, and is very aware of how cruel and dangerous he is even for a seraphim. So when he notices Shizhou suddenly making strange decisions that line up with Hu’s line of thinking, he became suspicious. Eventually his suspicions get so bad, it leads to him making a shady deal with Liu’s dad.

For the missions seraphim, Wang, they were originally the civilian seraphim, but got moved and Ji took their place. They’re the oldest and the most mysterious, even to their siblings (why only their last name is known). They’re definitely the favorite child and the most connected to the Order god, it being said they have direct contact with them.

They rarely make children, even during the war where angels were dying left and right, they only made 2…. who died and Qing Xia has since “revived” in questionable ways.

They have certain beef with Caihong Liu’s dad, who is basically a unofficial angel but of chaos (also a great deadbeat, who knows where he currently is, certainly not Liu or her mom). During the centuries war Liu’s dad managed to find Wang and cut off one of his wings, making him go into hiding indefinitely (to this day, they rarely even talk to their siblings, just assigning and accepting or rejecting missions sent their way)

And finally the military seraphim, Yang Hu, is the second youngest, being made near the start of the centuries war, hand in hand with the arch angels. Despite not being a archangel himself, he’s noticeably more aggressive than the others, having his outbursts and giving threats much more commonly than them.

He was made especially cruel and uncaring for his children because of his job and basically all the arch angels hate him for being like your work manager but 100x worse (AND they’re all forced to carry his stupid last name).

But the rest of heaven actually kinda love him because while he didn’t win the war, he helped make it end in a tie which allowed heaven and the angels to continue existing (However that opinion quickly changed when they found out about a certain secret of his).

[mythsandheather]

Because I already brought this up on Reddit, let’s talk about it here too.

LONG POST ABOUT HADES, HERA AND AVOIDING ACCOUNTABILITY LIKE THE PLAGUE INCOMING.

Persephone knows that Hera and Hades had a thing now, right? So after guilt tripping herself all day for feeling insecure, they finally talk about it. Hades admits to having feelings for her once. Feelings, let’s be specific. He hasn’t yet said they had a relationship or a centuries long affair behind Zeus’s back.

Persephone, as any sensible person would, asks a very fair question. Let’s ignore how disconcerting she looks for a second.

Now the response any normal fucking person would give here would obviously be “no”, right? Or some variation. “No, I’m not.” “No, we’re just friends.” “No, that’s in the past and I love you.”

That’s the normal, reasonable, acceptable response…but this is Lore Olympus. So naturally Hades doesn’t do that.

“Let me just preface this” oh I just know I’m about to hear some male manipulator bullshit. All that shit he just said when he could have simply said “no”. Also, why the pause?

Never fails to make me laugh how LO Hera is supposed to be this glamorous, sympathetic, strong, aspirational figure that Persephone and the audience alike should revere, when all she is is a racist, classist, deadbeat parent and chain smoking drunk whose primary hobby seems to be putting on too much mascara just so she can cry it off every other chapter.

Also, Hades, if you had a lot of respect for Hera, you wouldn’t be telling Persephone all her business without her knowledge or consent.

JUST SAY NO YOU ANTISEMITIC LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER.

What does that even mean? “What we are now is a ghost of what we used to be.” What a weirdly vague yet specific choice of words.

What did you used to be? Hades never says what they were or how long it went for and he still never fucking says it’s over. Now it’s just…a ghost? What’s that then, Papa Smurf?

Are you still haunted by this relationship? Is it like a ghost in the sense it’s going to come back cuz that’s what ghosts do? Cuz I’m not hearing “that phase is completely done”, I’m hearing “this phase is on pause and will most definitely be picked up on again the second the opportunity presents itself”. 

Like I said, it’s such a weird, specific choice of words.

To quote Mabel “Madea” Simmons, “look at him try to throw it on you now. It’s like if he tries to get Persephone to engage and agree with him, then it’s all okay and he’s successfully excused himself and distracted from the question at the same time.

First, a couple of petty things. One, look at how wonky his eyes are. Those were adjusted last minute and you can see it. Also his hairstyle changed with each panel. 

Second, there have always been a lot of immortal beings around. At the specific time we’re talking about back when Hera and Hades first got together, for example, there was already a whole mess of chthonic gods running around. There were nymphs, satyrs and other immortal creatures that were and are perfectly viable dating options. 

Hades just so happened to want the woman who was dating his brother and banging his dad, and Persephone just so happened to get involved with two of her cousins and then marry her uncle.

This whole “the immortal dating pool” comment feels like a disclaimer to avoid the fact that, try as she might to avoid it, Rachel ended up right back in the incest pit that all Greek mythology adaptions inevitably try to avoid yet fall into in the end.

I’m also not going to pretend that these two having such a limited word view on dating options doesn’t stem from the fact that they think basically everyone else is inferior to them.

But, in conclusion, Hades was asked a fair question that required a one word answer. One word, two letters…and he could not do it. 

Instead we get dragged on this purple prose wannabe, “I’m 14 and this is deep” diatribe that barely skims the surface of what his entanglement with Hera really was. Immediately following this, Hades goes on to explain Hera’s golden traitor title and her history with Kronos. This is also the infamous chapter where he claims Zeus has no trauma.

He was more comfortable discussing his father abusing and then brutally maiming Hera, and more comfortable minimising what happened to his brothers, than he was just saying “no, I don’t love Hera anymore”. 

Rachel does this for Hades a lot. Hades is, at least in my opinion, not one of the more interesting greek deities and the fact he’s the male lead of LO and her celebrity crush’s insert means she feels the need to beef up how important, how powerful, how desirable, how vulnerable, how lonely, how angry, how complicated he is, but does not possess the skill to do so.

So she writes herself into a corner and the mountain of evidence for Hades being a fucking awful person gets bigger. 

For example, as we just saw, Hades had a thing with Hera. He’s soooo sexy and so hot and so kind and so perfect and so irresistible and desirable that even Hera can’t resist him! But wait! Making Hades and Hera have a centuries long affair behind Zeus’s back and with Hades going into another relationship where he cheats on his current girlfriend, Minthe, with Persephone, doesn’t reflect well on poor daddy Hades! What to do??

The simple and logical route, other than just not having the stupid affair in the first place, is for Hades to just admit he made a mistake and he regrets it and is trying to do better. But wait! Daddy Hades is a complicated and edgy bad boy…but he can’t actually do anything bad cuz he always has to be in the right! 

So instead of ever admitting he’s wrong, god forbid he do that, let alone apologise, every time we get treated to what a piece of shit he is and the consequences of his bad actions and Rachel’s bad writing, we get tormented with more faux-deep prose that’s meant to paint him as a helpless lonely victim and remove any blame from him, while conveniently always minimising and dismissing someone else’s suffering.

I’d kill to see what sad, poetic, overly-wordy garbage he spins when he inevitably cheats on Persephone with Hera, because this whole exchange all but screams that the door is very much still open.

Persephone felt bad about herself for being insecure by the chemistry and contact that Hera and Hades still have, because how could she even think of misjudging poor dear Hades? IMO, she’s not worried enough. Homegirl is already on her way to ending up where Minthe was.

[gabessquishytum]

Water spirit Dream anon here. Just wanna say Im LOVING the yes anding on that one it feels amazing like when people love your dish at a potluck. Anyway Ive just had the most Week of all time punctuated by my period coming and I would like to wallow so lemme just sneak in here.

After Hob's return to the Dream Pool or whatever, he's like holy shit I have children! And a spouse? And they live fucking outside!!!! I haven't cooked one meal!! Haven't changed a single diaper!! Haven't rubbed even a single sore foot! I'm a terrible husband and provider ;-; he's so upset bc he's basically by his own definition a deadbeat and he always wanted to be the BEST dad and husband. And Dream is like I am a spirit. Your children are half spirit. We are literally nature elementals. We belong outside. We do not eat meals as such. And as for bad husband, well. Coming home to fuck and then fucking off to do your thing is kind of the divine relationship norm. And Hob is like well theyre also half human so we need a HOUSE. And good luck getting rid of me now bc I'm not leaving for the rest of forever, I'm gonna make up for lost time with my babies. What are their names.

So Hob builds a small house to live in near Dream and enjoys very much his new family. The kids are indeed half spirit, so they grow faster and a little stranger than Hob's used to with Human kids, but they're his, and he loves them. He's also absolutely smitten with Dream, now that he's actually gotten to know him. His little house expands into a large temple built into the mountainside, with a large courtyard and Dream's pool in the center of it. Eventually Dream asks Hob if he really meant what he said about staying forever. He could share his divinity with him and tie him to Dream's pool, only able to drink from there and nowhere else. He'd live forever, with Dream. And of course that sounds wonderful :)

Long after their progeny are grown and out upholding their fathers' legacies, Hob stays as the priest and caretaker of Dream's temple. They fuck happily for forever after.

Ahhh water spirit anon! So glad you've been enjoying all the shenanigans <3

I looove Hob being a stand up dude, a provider, a Good Dad. I think that's very sexy of him. So of course he's upset and worried when he finds out that he's got kids and he hasn't contributed anything to their lives except his stinky human dna!! He feels terrible because if his kids are half human then surely they need someone to help them learn human things, and he hasn't even started doing that! Dream is amused and rather confused by Hob’s stress but tries to soothe him as best he can. There's plenty of time to teach the children. They're still basically babies, they don't need to learn how to light fires or anything yet.

Still, Hob essentially stays up for 24 hours to build a house. And Dream has admit that it's nice and cozy, while still being close enough to the water for his comfort. Hob makes tables and chairs and a bed (Dream is very interested in this) and toys for the little ones, and becomes a very happy stay at home dad. The kids are weird and beautiful but very much Hob’s kids (they drive Dream mad with their stubbornness and knack for getting into trouble). And they are also so loved.

Hob is more in love with Dream than ever by the time they get around to getting officially "married" - Hob gets the immortality and the responsibility of taking care of Dream’s temple, which he was doing anyway. He still can't believe that Dream chose him. Occasionally they relive the first time by fucking in the pool, and Hob will bounce Dream on his cock and praise every aspect of him: mind, body, soul. Sometimes Dream pretends like he's a human and they go to bed in the house Hob built. Dream wants to wait a couple of centuries before he bears more children, and Hob will wait patiently - next time, he'll be there to watch Dream’s pregnancy. Probably a good thing he's immortal now, because seeing Dream full of his baby(s) might be enough to kill him <3