#damn these tags just became a rant lol

[candy-ac3]

Does any one know like very good platforms to post their art? Or any tips on how to grow more that doesn't involve changing your art style or what you draw?

[stop-stealing-my-username]

Eww just saw a terf/radfem in my notifs.

Just so we're clear, I don't tolerate y'all and will block on site! The second I catch even a whiff of terfy shit, let alone bold faced terfy shit, I am pretending you do not exist- there will be no debate because that lends credibility to your bullshit ideology. I am not arguing with a brick wall; I am not arguing with someone whose ideology is built on hate, misogyny, and the pain Olympics.

Hope this helps!

[vivalabunbun]

Do I Meet Your Qualifications Now?

Summary: A promise made long ago resurfaces during a night of drinks with colleagues. 

Word Count: 8.2k (now this is the longest fic I’ve ever written)

Tags: Alhaitham x Fem!Reader, Smut(r18), NSFW, MDNI, Modern AU, Childhood Friends AU, Office au? kinda, Mutual Pinning, Fluff, slight dubcon, slight angst, mentions of office sexual harassment, creepy boss, mentions of marriage, slight yandere!alhaitham, slight mentions of breeding maybe? Jealously, possessive!alhaitham, you enjoy drinks at a tavern with the sumeru boys.  

Authors note: This is my first smut in a long long time, I just thought about how alhaitham’s bottled up emotions will one day bubble over, inspired by a small ramble of mine lol. Enjoy. 

side note: here is a small continuation after this story

You needed a drink, something strong enough to forget about your growing workload that your paycheck no longer justified. With each new stack of paperwork that reached your desk, the resignation form became increasingly more appealing. You were drained by the time you clocked out at 6 pm, after having to attend 4 meetings throughout the day, all of which could have been a simple email. 

“No no, this company has good 401K matching, paid time off, and dental included. 401K and dental, 401K and dental.” You chanted to yourself, trying to steel your resolve against throwing your two weeks' notice in the face of your manager who has been pushing more and more of his work onto you. 

All while having the gall to be flirty. As if that ugly gold band wasn’t visible on his finger. Your cheeks hurt after having to hold your business professional smile for the past eight hours. The moment you stepped foot beyond those sliding glass doors, massaging your sore face with one hand. 

‘It should be happy hour now, better get a spot at the bar now,’ you thought as you took off your stiff blazer. 

You swore one day you’ll catch a cold from constantly subjecting your body to the dramatic shift of your tundra of an office to the sauna that was Sumeru’s climate. Ugh, stupid professional dress code, and stupid you for deciding to wear your new heels today. The back of your ankles felt raw despite the thin layer of your stockings reducing some of the chafing.

As the saying goes, thank god it was Friday, even though you couldn’t take a half day like so many of your co-workers, you were just glad to finally be out of sight from your manager with wandering eyes. 

Pushing in the wooden doors to the tavern, you were quickly engulfed in the busy hustle and bustling of servers delivering rounds of glasses to rowdy tables and the hearty drunk laughter of flushed faces. 

‘Damn, it’s this crowded already.’ You felt your shoulders drop, ‘should I just pick up some wine on the way home then?’ Another sad weekend spent in your stuffy apartment, great. 

Just as you were about to turn on your heels, you spotted a familiar flash of blond hair. Was that Kaveh? You squinted your eyes to focus on that spot of blond through the wave of patrons. 

“HA! I’m telling you there is no way that shrewd man got his position without some sort of shady dealing. I bet he’s got some dirt on some higher-ups.” 

Yep, that was definitely Kaveh, you immediately recognized that dramatic shrill in his voice. You heard it many times during your college days together, increasingly so whenever he had an architecture final due. He was at a large table, there seemed to be plenty of room for one more person. Swiftly, you made your way through the crowd to tap the blond man on the shoulder, disrupting him mid-rant. 

“Kaveh? Oh my god, it is you. It’s been so long. How’ve you been?” You feigned surprise. 

“Oh? Oh!” His eyes lit up with recognition. “My college savior! How’ve you been? Come, sit down and drink with us!” 

Score, you’ve successfully secured a seat at the tavern. Thus, you avoided wallowing in self-pity alone on your beaten couch. You meet eyes with two unfamiliar faces, the trio seemed to have been setting up a game of cards before you joined, or before Kaveh began to rant about whatever he rants about. 

After a quick round of introductions and placing your order for a glass of sweet wine, you were quickly acclimated to their conversation. Tighnari was a part of the research and development team, while Cyno was the head of company security ensuring no classified information gets leaked to competitors. Kaveh, you already knew was the star of the architecture design department. 

It felt nice being able to relieve stress about redundant company policies and gossip, or at the very least it was entertaining to hear Kaveh whine nonstop about them. 

“Ah, I still just don’t understand how that man got the position of head secretary. I swear he has it out for me, he refused to process my request for approval because ‘it was outside of his working hours’ and because of that my project got delayed a whole week! There is no way he climbed the ranks with that work ethic!” 

You did not even have to ask who the subject of Kaveh’s dismay was, it was quite obvious to the 3 of you at the table. 

“Just because I can manage a healthy work-life balance, does not mean my work ethic is mediocre. My work hours are clearly posted outside of my office, it seems that literacy has decreased.” A husky voice rang out from just behind your chair. 

You felt a slight shiver run up your neck, leaving a trail of goosebumps along its journey. He was here, the main antagonist in Kaveh’s rants has finally shown his face. 

“Oh, ‘Haitham? It’s rare to see you come out of your shell of books.” You looked over your shoulder at the towering man as he loosened his tie. Scooting a bit closer to Cyno, making more room for him to sit at the last seat. 

“It is a surprise to see you here as well, did Kaveh drag you out to play a game of cards… or perhaps did he want you to foot his tab.” Alhaitham gave the blond man a slight side-eye before returning his attention back to you. 

“Hey! I can hear you!”

“It was intentional, couldn’t you tell?” 

“You-”

You let out a light giggle from behind your wine glass, noticing the sliver-haired man’s eyes turning back towards you. 

“Did you want to sample a bit of the wine? It’s sweet.” You offered your glass to him, hoping he didn’t notice the slight shiver when his long fingers brushed against yours as he accepted it. You tried to keep your face as polite as possible, not allowing your eyes to wander down along his neck as he took a sip. 

“Not bad,” he placed your glass back down in front of you. “Boss, this is good wine. I would have the same, please.” He turned his large body slightly as he called out to the tavern owner. 

Allowing you to see just how well that button-down shirt fitted his form, the top button seemed to be holding on with all its strength. 

“I thought we were all grown enough to not be entertained by mindless gossip,” Alhaitham remarked towards the table. 

“Not at all, we were just curious about the raising star of the company,” Tighnari commented. 

“There’s nothing special to talk about, I just arrive and do the task I have to before I clock out.” 

“It’s a bit odd for a man that lacks ambition to land such a high role within a year.” Cyno followed up, his eyes holding a hint of suspicion. 

“ It’s really nothing complicated. I’ve even rejected some promotions, the work of a secretary is simple, that’s why I wish to keep things this way.” 

“Ah, he’s humble-bragging now.” You hear the tan man beside you mutter as he crossed his arms. 

You also couldn’t help but feel the sting of jealousy as well. While you were proud of your childhood friend having success in his carrier, he advanced much faster than you even though you got a two-year head start. 

“Ugh, how did you stand this egomaniac for so long.” Kaveh harshly set his glass down, directing the question at you. 

Seeing this as an opportunity to tone your childhood friend down a few, you couldn’t help the slight grin that spread across your face. 

“Well, he’s always been this way,” you swirled your glass, “I guess I just got used to it.” 

“Makes sense, attitudes like his tend to develop at tender ages.” Tighnari vouched. 

“He was so cute when he was younger. This man used to pull on my sleeve and beg me to read Aristotle to him.” You stole a quick glance over your wine glass. 

“Oh? You two go that far back?” Cyno inquired. 

You hummed in confirmation as you took another sip, “I guess it’s partially my fault for not correcting him back then. But he used to have the chubbiest cheeks, I couldn’t help but be swayed. Who would’ve known that once that cuteness faded, all that’s left is a mulish man.” 

You heard Alhaitham tsk in annoyance at your jabs, crossing his arms as he leaned back in his seat. 

“Clinging onto the past will serve no benefit towards the future. Frankly, it’s a foolish thought.” 

You hid the sting in your heart with a teasing smile, hoping that it reached your eyes as well. He was right, the past was gone and over with, with little to no bearings on the future. The same stood with your relationship, childhood friends, and nothing more. 

Alhaitham had the looks, the stellar career, and was already a homeowner while being four years your junior. Even with your head start on life, it felt as if you were constantly behind him, trying to catch up. You knew one day he’ll leave you in the dust, so it is for the best that you let go of this one-sided crush. 

“Oh? Then I guess I’m released from that childhood pact then. How freeing.” You let out a slight laugh before taking a larger sip of your wine. You should probably order another glass, maybe two actually. 

The stoic man raised an eyebrow at your statement, “and what do you mean by that.”

“Aw, it looks like little ‘Haitham forgot,” you pouted. However, you could not let this opportunity to tease him slip away. 

Setting down your glass, you turned to face everyone gesturing a hand toward Alhaitham. “You see, when we were still children. He walked up to me with a flower and asked me to marry him when we grew up.” 

Instantly piquing the attention of everyone at the table. 

“Pfft, there’s no way that happened.” Kaveh let out a hearty laugh, waving his hand as if dismissing that notion. 

“Best believe it, he ignored me for a week when I told him no. Only ‘forgiving’ me after I gave him extra sweets and promised to think about it again in the future.” You supported your face with one hand. 

“So I guess you are to blame for his apatheticness? Traumatizing him so young? I’m starting to sympathize with you, Alhaitham” Tighnari scoffed. 

“Well, I apologize for my shallow taste when I was a child. I used to dream of being carried off into the sunset in a white dress by my groom.” You dramatically sighed. 

You mockingly patted Alhaitham’s arm, feeling the solid muscle hidden beneath the fabric tense up then relax at your sudden skinship. 

“Before he became an absolute tree, this guy used to be half my size and weight. Which is why I rejected him back then, I didn’t want to crush my groom to death at our wedding.” 

Just what were your intentions when you brought up that childhood memory? Alhaitham was racking his mind, trying to pinpoint a motive, too distracted to be bothered by the snickering that permeated throughout the table. 

Your hand, which still lingered on his arm, brought pulses of heat along his skin, the hair at the nape of his neck pricking up from the sensation. 

“On the topic of marriage, have you gotten any luck so far? Found anyone special yet?” Kaveh tucked his hands under his chin, as he rested his elbows on the crowded table. 

“Ugh, Kaveh, stop you sound like my fucking mother.” You brought your hand up to your temple. Alhaitham’s skin immediately craved your touch again. 

“I’m taking that as a ‘no’ then.”

“Obviously, gosh, every time I go to visit my parents it turns into an interrogation of why I didn’t come back with a ring on my finger.” You took another swig of your wine. 

“Is that so?” Kaveh prodded, wanting the conversation to continue. 

“Honestly, at this rate, I won’t be marrying for love. I’ll be marrying to shut my parents up.” 

“Oh? And what would a husband candidate need? To be able to carry you off to the honeymoon?” 

“Har har har, Kaveh, very clever.” 

“Okay, now seriously.” 

“Well, obviously he needs to get along with my parents.” 

Just earlier this evening Alhaitham had responded to a message from your mother, telling him how thrilled they were to receive his housewarming gift basket. Your mother wishing that more young people were as considerate as he was towards his elders. 

“And I would prefer someone attentive.” 

Alhaitham did not even have to think when ordering coffee for you. A mocha with two shots of expresso, oat milk, and an extra drizzle of chocolate syrup. When it gets closer to the holidays, you liked to add one pump of peppermint syrup.

He also takes note of how your words tend to get more graphic once there's alcohol in your veins. 

“What about income, you want a man with 6 figures? 7?” 

“Ha, if my husband made 7 figures I’d run him a warm bath with rose petals, the house will be spotless, and have dinner set on the table at 7 o’clock sharp. A girl can dream, it would also mean I won’t have to see that ugly bastard’s face again.”

Roses were nice. However, lavender was much better for baths to relax the muscles. After 3 years Alhaitham was confident that he could renegotiate his salary. He knew that your organization skills violently oscillates between an absolute disaster to professional house cleaning service depending on how stressed you were. Your cooking though was always guaranteed to be delectable, 7 pm just so happened to be his preferred time for dinner. 

Pause, wait a moment-

“Huh? Is your manager still bothering you? Isn’t he already married? What a sleazebag.” 

“Tell me about it,” you were rubbing your temples more aggressively. “I’ve thought about staking my pen through his hand if he tried to place it on my shoulder again.” 

“Would you like me to file a report to HR?” Cyno looked over at you with concern and sincerity. 

“Thank you, but I’ve already tried. They said until there was hard evidence of such behavior they can’t move on with an investigation.”

“Ugh, it’s always HR protecting the top dogs once again. Seriously, I’m not even from the same department but even I can feel that slimy gaze of his whenever he looks at you. Makes me want to burn my skin off in the shower, how you withstand that is beyond me.” Kaveh, rested one over his chair, dramatically making a face to show his disgust. 

Your manager, yes, it’s been noted on several performance reports that his productivity has been on the decline. Perhaps, an additional report from Alhaitham about the suspicious disappearance of funds under your manager’s supervision would warrant a full-scale investigation. 

That fool had his wife listed as his emergency contact, the ashen-haired man wondered if he would detail her husband’s harassment of young women in his department to her. 

“Let’s move on to a different subject, shall we? I’d be damned if my Friday night is ruined by thoughts of that man.” You rubbed your thumb along the stem of your glass, a nervous habit of yours he noted. 

And with that, the drinking continued to pour, as Cyno and Kaveh began a round of cards. If you weren’t so distracted by Kaveh’s theatrical whines of how Cyno should take an easy on him, you would’ve seen the look that promised no good on Alhaitham’s face. Its true intentions are well hidden behind a stoic face. 

“You would think he would have learned his limit by now.” Alhaitham couldn’t help but scoff at his housemate. 

The blond was absolutely hammered, slurring his words as if they were some encrypted message. Upon seeing the state that Kaveh was in, everyone unanimously agreed to call it a night. Cyno and Tighnari supported him as Alhaitham went to the edge of a sidewalk to hail a cab. 

“Are you not going to ride in the same taxi as Kaveh? You’re both going to the same destination no?” You inquired, looking up at him after he gave the directions to his house and cash for the trip. 

“And what, get puked on during the ride? Kaveh is a big boy now, I’m sure he’ll manage. Besides…” His teal eyes quickly trailed up your legs.

Your stockings accentuating the shape of your legs as they beckoned his attention towards that pencil skirt with a cheeky leg slit. Not revealing enough to be chastised as unprofessional, but oh so tempting. 

“It’s more important that I see you get home safely. Now, come.” He turned his back towards you, heading in the direction of your apartment. Not wanting to be caught staring at you. 

Throughout the walk the two of you were silent, but it was a calm silence that can only develop from a place of comfort and familiarity. The clicking of your heels and the taps of his dress shoes filled the air between you and him like a metronome. Alhaitham made sure to remind himself to match his pace with yours, lest his longer legs pull him far ahead of you. 

--

Finally arriving at the entrance of your apartment complex, you swiped your keycard to unlock the heavy security door. Perhaps it was because of the alcohol in your system but it took all of your body weight to pry the metal door ajar. You felt a small hand on your back, stopping your pitiful attempt. 

“You’re going to strain your back, here, allow me.” Alhaitham’s voice was so close to your ear that you sore the vibrations tickled it. 

Stepping aside, you allowed Alhaitham to grasp onto the side of the door as he swung the door open as if it weighed nothing. He took hold of the handle, meeting your eyes as he gestured you to enter. You felt a bit stupid for struggling so much with the door in front of him, so you quickly shuffled inside as he followed right behind you. Strolling through the lobby you finally arrived at the shiny doors of the elevator. 

“Well, I guess this is goodnight.” You looked up at Alhaitham as you pressed the call button. 

You heard the ding of the elevator arriving… only for the doors to not open.

 You pressed the button again, it dinged again, and again… then the light of the elevator flickered out. Great, just your luck, the elevator decided to break down now of all times. Further embarrassing you in front of Alhaitham. Even though his face remains stoic as ever, he probably thinks your place is shabby. 

“Ha ha, what a way to end a night. I guess I’ll be taking the stairs… You should call a cab to get back now.” You cringed a bit on the inside, why did you sound so awkward? 

The stairwell door creaked open with all the grace of nails dragging down a chalkboard, the noise almost causing a headache to form as you begin your ascension up the gray stairs. 

Only for your 6 flight journey to be halted at the second step as you stumbled. Once again, those new heels you were so excited to wear decided to rear their nasty face. Luckily, you were able to catch yourself on the solid hand railing. Sighing to yourself, you prepared to clutch onto it like a lifeline for the rest of your trek. 

Suddenly your body felt weightless as two solid arms hoisted you up, and you felt your figure way too close to a warm, built frame. 

“W-what are you doing??” Your hands were flailing as you did not know where to place them. 

“Quiet, it’s past midnight and your voice is bouncing off the walls. Do you want a noise complaint?”

“That wasn’t my question! Haitham put me down I can walk!!”

“Oh really? Did you seriously not notice how many times you’ve been tripping and stumbling on your way back? It’s safer for me to just carry you, unless you prefer tumbling down the stairs.” 

“N-no! I-” 

Alhaitham seems to be ignoring your plight as your slaps on his shoulder and arms elicited no reaction. His firm grip on your body did not let up as he effortlessly ascended the stairs, even shifting your weight a bit when he went to open the door to your floor. 

You were stone-cold sober at this point but your face was hot and flushed when Alhaitham finally placed you back down on your own feet at your apartment door. 

You couldn’t muster up the courage to thank him let alone even look at him, in case he sees the obvious red tint on your cheeks. Keys fumbling in your hands as you tried to line it with the keyhole, a small click and turn of the brass knob has your apartment ajar. 

What do you do now? Is this the final goodbye for tonight? Should you take a cold shower to purge these overwhelming emotions? 

“Um… would you like to come inside for a glass of water?” You spoke those words before you could think it through. Great, you just prolonged your suffering, great job. 

“Sure.” And much to your dismay Alhaitham agreed. 

His teal eyes lazily observed the plush throw pillows on your sofa along with the soft blanket hastily thrown over the back of it. Alhaitham could hear you bustling in the kitchen as you prepared a glass of ice water for him. 

In stark contrast to his own walls, yours was crowded with many photos like a timeline of your life. A soft smile tugged at his lips as he observed a photo strip taped onto the side of your college graduation portrait.

It was a cheap strip of laminated plastic from some mall photo booth, but your smile was radiant as you had one hand squeezing his face trying to get the stone-faced boy to crack a smile. 

“Here, it’s on the house.” You clinked the frosty glass onto the coaster in front of him. 

He felt the sofa dip a bit more as you plopped your body on the other side, letting out a content sigh, probably finally being able to feel your feet again. He knew those heels caused you great discomfort, but he almost wished for another glimpse. 

“Thank you.” 

Once more a comfortable silence encased the air between the two of you. Somewhere along the line, your hand found its way to his gray locks, gently running your fingers along his scalp. 

“What shampoo do you use, ‘Haitham? Your hair is always so soft and voluminous. I’m kinda jealous.” He heard the amused quip in your voice. 

He both yearned and despised whenever you pet his head. As your fingers continued to rake through his ash hair he couldn’t help the rush of blood that flowed south. Yet, a pang of annoyance was felt in his chest. ‘You still thought of him as a kid’ was the message he decrypted from your actions. 

“Whichever brand is closest to me at the store. Or whichever bottles Kaveh left in the shower.” Alhaitham leaned a bit more into your touch.

“Tsk, of course.” He could hear the smile in your voice. 

There was no end benefit to be gained from his feelings towards you. In fact, his life would’ve been so much easier if only his brain didn’t release dopamine the moment he hears the slightest mention of you. 

As a person who prides himself on his objectivity and factuality, he could not explain why you were an outlier that skews his rationality. 

The peaceful moment was shattered by the sudden pierce of your ringtone, the name that flashed across the screen caused Alhaitham’s eyes to narrow. 

Manager Kimiya

The manager who has been the source of your frustrations, evident by your conversation back at the bar. Why was he calling you this late? Alhaitham observed the grimace on your face as you quickly retracted your hand from his hair, picking up the phone as you excused yourself back to the kitchen. 

Why were you answering his call? 

You were speaking in a rather hushed voice, even with Alhaitham straining his ears to try and hear just what was so important to warrant a phone call so late at night. 

“Yes, of course…. No… I see… okay… yes… I understand… yes, goodnight to you as well.” 

Before Alhaitham could stop himself, he found his form behind yours at the kitchen counter as you finally ended your call. Frown present at the corners of your lips. 

“Why did he contact you this late?” 

Your body flinched in surprise. Ah, so you did not even notice his presence behind you. As his teal eyes stared down at your smaller frame, he could feel the clawing of a green-eyed monster tugging against the restraints Alhaitham so carefully bounded it in. 

“No reason, just work stuff… mostly.” 

Mostly? Alhaitham pushed down at the monster, trying to bottle the disgusting foreboding envy. 

“Why did you answer?” 

“I just told you, Haitham. It’s for work.” 

Alhaitham’s teeth ground against each other as he clenched his jaw. The monster was thrashing around violently. 

“You didn’t have to answer.” 

Your eyes closed in annoyance as you opened your mouth, a snarky reply ready to be thrown his way. Only for it to be stuck on the tip of your tongue as Alhaitham’s arms grasped the counter at either side of you. Pinning you between the cold granite top and his towering frame. 

“Are you interested in him?” There was a dangerous edge to his low voice. 

“Did you have too much to drink?” You whipped around in disbelief, annoyance dripping from your tone. 

Your face was very close to his, nose almost touching, breaths brushing against each other’s lips. 

“Answer the question.” His voice deepened further, a dark glaze over his eyes. 

“I don’t.” You narrowed your eyes at him, inching your face closer as if to prove a point. 

Alhaitham’s restraint of the beast began to slip. He needed a moment to grasp back onto it, to regain control. No, he could not wait any more, not one second longer.

 It was as if all the past decade's worth of pinning that kept him up at night came rushing out. Bursting through the walls that Alhaitham spent years building to contain them. 

It all rushed out in a messy, heated, and disgusting wave that washed over him and drowned his rationality as he slammed his lips into yours. Capturing the soft flesh into an all-consuming kiss. It was ugly, yet it felt so beautiful. So all consumingly beautiful. 

Your brain was trying its best to regain itself as you recovered from the whiplash, you were kissing Alhaitham. His larger frame pushes your body up against the kitchen counter, cold stone pressing up against your burning skin. His tongue brushed against your lips hungrily, asking out of courtesy for permission. Your lips parted, allowing him access as your fingers tangled into the hair at the nape of his neck. 

It was almost animalistic the way he devoured the air from your lungs, your head began to float as pleasure trailed up your spine. You harshly tugged at his ashen hair to break the near-airtight lock your lips were tangled in. 

Barely getting two much-needed breaths in as your eyes connected with lustful teal before lips clashed once more. You tasted the sweet wine that still lingered on his tongue, the sweet taste of crossing a dangerous line. 

Alhaitham released your lips then dived back into trail kisses from your glistening lips to down your face and neck. A pleased whimper escaped as you titled your head to the side, allowing him more access to your sensitive spots. 

You now had two arms thrown around his neck, back arching as his large hands began to rub your thigh over the thin fabric of your stockings. The heat from his palms and the friction creeping up to your core. You felt the suction of his mouth against your neck causing you to press your chest more into his as you whined. 

Two hands firmly gripped onto each of your legs then harshly parted them, allowing for Alhaitham’s solid torso to press up against your pulsing core. You couldn’t help the slight roll of your hips against his abs, your poor cunt begging for a crumb of attention.

The air was too hot, tension too thick, Your skirt now all bunched up as his fingers skillfully unbuttoned your shirt. You replicated his actions as you clumsily groped at his chest to locate the buttons of the dress shirt, your senses graced by the plushness of his pectorals. 

It was animalistic the way Alhaitham was claiming your skin with his kisses, every now and then marking the tender flesh of your breast and neck. ‘Fuck, how can simple kisses feel so good’ was the thought running through your hazy mind, pressing his head more against you. A hardness making itself known against your neglected wetness. Excitement spiking up inside you. 

“Wrap your legs around me.” He commanded. 

You obediently did so, locking your ankles together behind his back, intentionally rubbing your cunt against his trapped erection. Alhaitham straightened his posture as he scooted your bottom off the counter, large hands digging into the flesh of your ass then firmly squashing your core against hardness. 

The sudden movement causes you to let out a gasp. He shot you a look, warning that he did not have the patience to be teased. 

Effortlessly he carried you into the bedroom, kisses still desperately being exchanged the entire time. Tossing you onto your messy sheets, he took a moment to admire how absolutely wrecked you looked. Cheeks flushed red, lips glossy from mixed saliva, eyes teary yet burning with desire. If you looked like this from simple kisses, he couldn’t wait for what you’d look like during the main event.

With you now on your back, more vulnerable, it gave him the opportunity to finally strip the blouse off your body, exposing more of your skin. Feeling a tug at his shirt. 

“You too…” 

When you asked so shyly with those pouty lips, how could Alhaitham refuse? A silent game began, as for every piece of clothing one shed, the other would follow. Your bra, his belt, your skirt, and his slacks were now littered across your floor. Hands greedily groping at each other's flesh, a large hand cupping your breast as your hand dipped to rub his bulge through his boxers. 

“Excited?” Your confidence was boosted when you felt a small wet patch on the fabric. 

“You’re one to talk.” He scoffed. 

Hand releasing your breast to grope the contour of your pussy through your ruined panties. Harshly pressing against your eager clit, a moan tumbled out of your mouth. Alhaitham dropped his head right next to yours, baritone voice against your ear,

“See, you even soaked through your stockings. Just how wet are you?” 

Long fingers began to trace along the slit of your cunt, lazily rubbing a circle on your clit before tracing back down. Your legs wanted to clamp down on his cruel hand but with his body pinning you down it was impossible. The message was clear, you were at his mercy. 

“What do you want?” 

A simple question he asked you, but your pride would not let you answer. That bastard knows what you want, your cunt was practically sobbing for something to be buried deep in it. But he still continued his slow, torturous movement, eyes locked on your expression. You faced away from him, unable to handle the intense glaze on your flushed face. 

“Eyes on me.” His other hand squished your cheeks as he turned your face back. 

Teal and orange eyes piercing into yours, you wanted to protest, he was being so mean. His perfect face only had a slight flush, while you were certain yours was a mess. Alhaitham must have sensed this as he nudged his thumb into your mouth, letting it rest against your pink tongue. 

“Come now, use your words. What do you want?” 

Pride be damned, the burning sensation between your legs overtook your reasoning as his other hand was now harshly circling your sensitive bud. 

“Y-you.” You moaned around his thumb. 

A smug look was now plastered on his handsome face, you weren’t sure if you wanted to slap it or pull him into another kiss. 

“Good girl.” Looping his fingers into the waistband of your stockings, harshly tugging them down the length of your legs. 

He definitely ripped them, but your brain was too busy processing the words he just called. 

Shifting your body more onto the bed, he pried your legs open, giving him a direct view of your drenched panties. Snapping back into reality and suddenly now worried about your modesty you reached a hand down as if to shield your desire from his observant eyes. A quick slap to your hand echoed through the room. 

“It’s a bit late to be embarrassed now.” The same hand pushed the ruined fabric to the side before a long, thick finger was thrusted inside. 

Your head jerked back at the sudden intrusion, barely being able to bite back a moan. Your aching cunt now had a taste of what it craved so desperately, but now it only craved more. Something thicker, longer, heavier. It wanted more even as Alhaitham slipped another finger in with minimal resistance. Scissoring the digits inside of you, exploring deep inside as slick drooled out. 

You tried to suppress your moans by biting down on the thumb that still lingered in your mouth. He sucked a breath through his teeth at your actions. 

“Be nice.” He ordered, tearing his thumb out of your mouth at the same time as his fingers from your cunt. 

His two fingers coated in your juices were then shoved into your gaping mouth, giving you a taste of yourself. Wordlessly you maneuvered your tongue against his fingers, cleaning the slick from the thick digits. His cock twitched when he felt you welcome his fingers deeper into the gummy walls of your mouth.

Alhaitham wanted to play with you more, to tease your clit and pussy until it was swollen and soaking the sheets below. However, right now, he did not have the patience as the length in his boxers raged angrily. Perhaps, if his plan goes well he can save that desire for another time. 

He chuckled to himself, this is what you do to him, you turn him into a man so consumed by lust he would not even stretch you out with good foreplay. Your cunt felt wet enough, he could see how drops of slickness were trailing onto the sheets, you were ready for him. Finally releasing his member out of its confinement, he let out a small hiss that the feeling of his sensitive head rubbing along your slick folds. 

“Wait,” you got up on your elbow as another hand pressed against his toro, halting his movement. 

You swiftly reached over to your nightstand, digging through to find the box of condoms. You took a foil package out, turning back to Alhaitham you handed it to him. You did your best not to look at his member, but it was hard to when it was just that intimidating. On lonely nights, there were times you imagined what that tall, buff body hid beneath the layers. 

‘Would the condom even go over it?’ you wondered as Alhaitham stiffly ripped open the foil. Fortunately, the condom was able to encase his length, you patted yourself on the back for getting the variety pack. 

“Heh,” Alhaitham’s hands grasped the sides of your hips. “You were prepared.” 

It could’ve been your imagination, but his calm tone felt forced. Almost as if he was angry, but Alhaitham never got angry at you. 

“What’s the ma- AH!”

The concern died in your throat when the entirety of his length was thrusted into you. Your cunt clenching around him, not wanting to let go of the deep satisfaction of finally being full. Alhaitham let a quiet moan through his clenched teeth, pulling out halfway then snapping his hips back into yours.

Your hands desperately latched onto your sheets, twisting and pulling the fabric to try and ground yourself. The stretch had you stumbling over your words, never had you felt this full.  He felt so heavy inside of you, deliciously dragging against your quivering walls.  

Alhaitham followed the intrusion with a few slow thrusts, the squelch of your cunt welcoming his length sounded through the heavy air. The grip on your hips turned unyielding as his pace shifted, his hips settling on a punishing pace against your poor masochistic cunt. Moans leaving your lips without regard for your neighbors. 

“Were you expecting this tonight?” He ended his sentence with an especially deep thrust. 

You barely heard him over the wet slapping of skin, mind focused on how good it felt when his tip rammed into that one spot. Alhaitham noticed how your cunt contracted when he hit a particular place, quickly angling his hips to strike your weakness again, then again, and again. Each time he did you would let out a cry, tongue lulling out of your mouth. At this point, his fingers are for sure leaving purple marks. 

“Is that why you were at the bar?” He continued. 

The green-eyed monster clawed its way up inside him, if he had not gone to the bar earlier by chance, would you have shown this sinful face to someone else?

A voice at the back of his mind called for him to take you lovingly, to slow his pace, to caress your face with his hands and kisses. But the voice of the beast whispered in his ear to ruin you, use you to further his own pleasure, to pound the shape of his length into you. Yes, perhaps if he did that then no other man could ever satisfy you. 

“So, who did you plan to take home?” 

He thrusted his tip deeper, you swore it was hitting your cervix now. Breast bouncing along with his violent pace. A thumb dug into your swollen clit suddenly causing you to throw your head back as your mind came dangerously close to the edge of sanity. A delicious tension begins to form in your core.

“Answer. The. Question.” Each word was followed by a harsh thrust, as your bud was pinched between his two fingers. 

“Ah- ah!” Was the only reply you could muster. 

Alhaitham stilled his motion deep inside of you, heavy, thick member resting right up against your cervix. Fingers now cruelly rolling your abused clit in its grasp, making your toes curl and back arch. 

He could feel your walls convulsing around him, begging for more of his punishing thrusts, not wanting the tension to dissipate. But he didn’t want to give that to you, not until you give him what he wanted. 

“Who. Who are you thinking of? Are you imagining being pinned down like this by them?” 

Your lust-hazed eyes looked into his with confusion, brain barely able to string together a coherent thought to process his question. As if he asked you the most elaborate philosophical question. 

Even with your mind nearly liquefied by the heat of pleasure and vision blurred from tears, the self-loathing in his eyes was obvious. Releasing the sheets from your iron grip, you cupped his face as you pulled him into a soft kiss. The first of the night. 

“Y-you ah!” You moaned against his lips. 

His hand stilled for a moment, then quickly regained its pace rolling the bundle of nerves. His lips chased after yours, shallowing your moans as he pinned your body more into the mattress. 

“Say it, confirm it.” A trail connecting your lips as he pulled away. 

“Alh-ah! Alhaitham!” 

A switch was flipped as his hips sprang back into motion, the push and pull rocking the bed as your hands found refuge on his broad shoulders. The tension only grew in your core with every blow against your weak spot in tandem with the circles he was grinding into your bud. 

“Alhaitham! A-ah Alhai-yes, right there!” Shamelessly moaning out his name like you did on those desperate nights with your own fingers. 

Your toes were curling painfully from the pleasure currently engulfing your entire body, your cunt full and hair a mess. Arching your body more into his solid figure as his unforgiving pace continued to abuse your grateful walls.

The wet slooshing of your slick as your hole welcomed his member over and over again no longer embarrassed. You were growing close, the ball of tension in your core was so close to snapping, you wanted sweet release so badly. 

“P-please! Ah! Please!” You begged for him to let you fall into cloud nine. 

Quickly understanding your plead, Alhaitham continued his the motion of his hips, making sure to strike that spot with more force as his thumb rubbed your clit faster. He dipped his head down to kiss along the edge of your tear stained face. The sensation of his teeth sinking into your neck was the catalysis that finally pushed you off the edge. 

Your body pressed itself taught against his, walls clamping down like a vise around his member as the orgasm ripped through your body. Strangled moans against his ears as your vision turned white. 

He removed his thumb from your clit, now even redder and swollen, as he bit more into your neck, the sensation of your walls trying to milk him dry almost brought him over as well. However, he couldn’t let it end so fast, not when he had fantasized about this moment for years. 

He forced himself to drag himself out against the tight grip of your walls, then used his body weight to thrust back into you to continue with his rhythm. He felt his own release approaching as he stared at how your eyes were rolled to the back of your head. 

‘Would you notice if I were to rip the condom off?’ He wondered as you were still on cloud nine, but your body still responding to his moves. 

‘Would you even care? Would you want it too?’ The thought of painting your walls in white and watching as your cunt drank up his thick cum filled him with a dark desire. 

He wanted to fill you with his essence, to claim you as fully his from the inside out, to steep into every fiber of your being. His hands found purchase on your hips again as he pinned your frame below him, thrusting deeper than he had ever before into you as he spilled himself into the latex.

His body shook against yours as he panted from the exertion. 

The creaking of the bed stopped as Alhaitham pulled back to press sweet kisses to your temple, coaxing your consciousness back to reality. Using his fingers to wipe away the tears that still leaked from your eyes, as your pupils came back into view. Returning from their trip at the back of your head. There was a moment of stillness, as pants echoed through the air, breaths overlapping and caressing another. 

You felt him shift, pulling his length fully out from your gummy walls. Your cunt clentched at the sudden emptiness. You watched as he grabbed a few tissues from your night stand, then proceeded to roll the filled condom off, disposing it into the paper. 

You shut your eyes, chest still heaving at the exertion you had just put your body through. 

The sound of condoms shaking against their cardboard box made your eyes snap back open. As you watched the ashen haired man shamelessly pull another foil package out of the container. 

Oh… The night was still young. 

--

The bright and pitched chirping of the birds outside stirred you from your slumber. Oh god, your hips were so sore, you questioned whether or not you would make it out of bed. 

Two arms firmly encompassed your waist, pressing your back against the warm source of the pain in your hip. 

As much as you hated to admit it, Alhaitham looked angelic when he was asleep. Usual stone face now relaxed and soft, the sunlight drawing blurred shapes along his skin and hair through your curtains. 

You wanted to brush the hair out of his peaceful face, fingers reaching out then freezing as the reality of last night hit you. 

You two had crossed the bold line that was drawn in the sand, now standing the cold ocean of the unknown. The questions of what your relationship had turned into violently crashed into you like unforgiving waves as you feel yourself beginning to drown in self-doubt. 

Was this a one-time thing? A closeness you will never experience with him ever again? Was this the final chapter of the story of you and Alhaitham? Did you ruin years of trust and friendship?

 The questions began to become overwhelming, you needed to get up, to just get somewhere to clear your mind. 

Slowly your tried to shimmy yourself out of his firm hold, carefully trying not to rouse him from his slumber. Only for your plan to come crashing down as his arms tightened around you, halting your motion. 

“Stay.” An uncharacteristic softness present in his tone. 

You stilled your body, heart pounding so hard against your chest you were certain Alhaitham could feel it too. Just like how you could feel the rhythmic beating of his against your back. 

His deep breaths brushed against your neck as he buried his face into the crook. Tension now hung in the air, but who was going to be the first to break it? Mustering up all the courage you could gather, 

“Alhaith-”

“I found you a nuisance when I was first introduced to you.” He began. 

You felt your heart sink at his confession, but he continued. 

“The way you dragged me out to play, fed me snacks, and especially when you pet my head. I found it all annoying… It was annoying because it would cause me heart palpitations, my breath would hitch, and my face would flush. I thought I had caught a sickness from you, a sickness that made me addicted to your presence.” 

Your heart was now jumping as if it wanted to burst from your chest, he buried his face deeper into your neck. 

“Then one day I read a book that detailed my exact symptoms. Do you know what the diagnosis was? Love - an intense, deep affection for another person. That day when I proposed with that small weed, I discovered that I was in love with you.” 

You froze, almost not believing your own ears. 

“Well of course back then I did not meet your qualifications. I hoped that the sickness would disappear. No actually, I used to pray to gods I don’t believe in that they would take you out of my head, where you always seemed to haunt . They must have cursed me because as time moved on, my illness just got worse. It began to border on mania, madness. So, please listen.” 

He turned your body in his arms so that you were staring right into his eyes, a hopeful and sincere glimmer present in the saturated teal.  

“I love you, I adore you, I wish to wake up every morning to you in my arms just like this. I want to walk through life hand in hand with you. Your parents hold me in high regard. I will get a mocha with two shots of expresso, oat milk, and extra chocolate syrup every morning for you, I can even learn to make it. If you are worried about finances, if this company doesn’t agree to my raise by the end of two years I will search for another position that will.” 

His fingers intertwined with yours as he brought your knuckles up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of your hand. 

“And I am confident in my ability to carry you no matter what wedding dress you dawn. So do I meet your qualifications now?” 

His teal eyes looked into yours, yearning for your answer. Your eyes were wide and lips frozen. You were waiting to wake up in your messy sheets alone, fully clothed, and for the other side of the bed to be cold. This had to be a dream, this couldn’t be real. 

However, the hot tears that clouded your vision and dripped down your cheeks felt too real to be an illusion. The look of adoration in his eyes was too genuine to be conjured up by your pitiful imagination. 

“Could we… Could we take this slowly?” You whispered, squeezing his hands. 

“Of course. I’ve waited for over sixteen years, I can wait a little longer.” 

You buried your flushed face into his chest, he let your wet tears soak into his skin as he kissed the crown of your head. Embracing each other as if the other could disappear.

“I love you too.” 

--

Fin~

DON’T PLAGIARIZE, TRANSLATE, OR REPOST MY WORKS ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS.

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Not gonna tag this but those that know will know what it's about. Fuming rant under the cut.

I fucking hate the take of "those who hate the found family splitting up trope are young people who are scared of change and being apart from their parents/siblings" - shut up! It is so god damn patronising.

I am a 34 year old childfree-by-choice neurodivergent lesbian who moved out on her own three years ago. It was the happiest day of my life because my family is toxic as shit and I wouldn't go back to living with them for anything. I do not fit this image you have made up.

Why do I hate the trope? Because I've lost contact with enough straight friends in my life who have got married and had kids and moved away and it fucking hurts, do I resent them for it? Of course not! Am I happy for them? Yes! Do we keep in touch when we can? Yes but it still hurts. Especially when those of my friends who have kids or boyfriends are more likely to stay in touch and you feel like you don't fit in, or people judge you and say you're not a "grown up" simply because you're a woman who doesn't want children. So whenever I see the "the couple has a child so they have to grow up now and will inevitably let their friendships be pushed aside" happen it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I watch TV shows and read books for ESCAPISM. Most of the shows I'm into are fantasy or have some supernatural elements, so everything else is allowed to go in completely crazy directions, with the writers jumping through all sorts of loops to make things happen, but friends who are like family being separated or losing touch as soon as someone gets married or has a kid HAS to happen because it's "realistic"? Giving us the fantasy of witches and superheroes and ghost families is fine but the idea of found families not being separated forever / most of the time is going too far? Like there's no magical or plot twist you can pull so they can still stay close, they have to part ways because "lol thats just life!" It reminds me so much of the days where Bury Your Gays was everywhere, when it was like "yes you get representation but not a happy ending" - and given found families are usually queer coded or go against the heteronormative narrative it feels connected.

No of course people don't have to live together 24/7 to still be family or best friends but they can live near to each other, or they can go exploring but return to the same home town, they can see each other more than just at Christmas and the odd celebration, they can help be there to raise the inevitable child - like seriously why are we pushing this "two parents have to just focus on their kid together", the closest person I'm to in my family is my sister in law and she LOVED having so many aunts around to help be there for my nieces and loved having time to be something other than a mom now and then! One of my friends who became a mum but I stayed close to loves the moments where we can hang out and, even though I say her kids are always welcome at my place, she likes coming on her own so that she can just enjoy our time together.

Also wanna point out that if you compare found family to nuclear family, and that leaving them is "no different than moving out of your parents house" then you really don't get the found family trope or why people from backgrounds like mine get so attached to it.

[zerochanges]

Robotech: Unboxing + Rant

Anime licensing and localization has come a long way since the dark ages of the medium where you had to track down old fan subbed VHS tapes or hope you can catch some heavily edited version of a show on one of your local networks before cable was even a thing. The latter describes the place in history that Robotech holds, and for many it was a landmark experience and a gateway into anime--and that should have been its legacy whole stop but well, corporate greed is a bitch. I’m sure I don’t have to sit here and explain the myriad of ways license holder Harmony Gold has more or less been super scummy. From downright patent trolling, to blocking any attempt at localizing certain series and even preventing video game releases; they have become infamous in the anime fandom--so much so to the point where I just don’t want to talk about Robotech anymore. 

Which is a damn shame! Robotech is legitimately a fairly fascinating and well crafted attempt at bringing over anime for its time. The writing is sharp, the voice acting holds up surprisingly well--and it is some of the earliest known roles for a bunch of now prolific voice actors in the anime dubbing community like Tony Oliver and Wendee Lee. Most importantly however the material is treated with respect, and while a bit clumsy at times, there is an obvious love from the staff being put into the work. It’s easy to see how generations grew up with this Frankenstein of an adaptation and became lifelong fans of anime. 

For me personally Robotech will always occupy the same part of my heart that loves the work of Ted Woolsey and other earlier localization figures who took a mess of bland too literal translations (sometimes ones that didn’t even make sense in English) and reworked them with a lot of character and charm despite some really insane restraints of the time. It’s not for everyone, but I do enjoy these early localizations for what they were.

Sadly it seemed Robotech would only be remembered in infamy for Harmony Gold and its (very well documented) downright criminal powers-that-be. Until this past April, where out of nowhere anime fans’ prayers seemingly have been answered. Now the agreement between the three companies is still not fully understood, and it’s hard to say for sure where this will go but for now I like to have goodwill that things will be different from now on. Which is what I want, I easily do love Robotech, and this new agreement brining new Robotech blu-rays is great, but I also want Macross blu-rays too! Hell, I don’t want just that but also Southern Cross and Mospeada releases too, even if they have to be on SD-BD. Over the recent years we have seen blu-rays for all kinds of tangentially related Robotech properties: Megazone 23, Zilion, Orguss, it would be great to have all of Macross as well as the main three series that comprise Robotech to go alongside with them on my blu-ray shelf.

With all that out of the way, I will stop ranting now and show off the most recent Robotech Collector’s Edition from Funimation as well as some comparisons to a past set I posses. 

The box itself is absolutely gorgeous and the contents inside of high quality too. The asking price may be a bit steep but for fans it really does pay off. 

I was especially impressed with the figure which I had no real interest in (and will still keep stuffed in the box lol) but was shocked to find out it can indeed transform between the three iconic forms of the Veritech fighter.

The blu-rays themselves are housed in a nice sturdy chipboard box and each set has unique art separate from the standard retail release.

Anyone familiar with Funimation’s previous release of the anime series Zillion will easily notice the similar “retro” (or maybe even VHS???) look of the packaging. 

I was somewhat annoyed at this graphic design choice when Zillion came out. I love older anime art and want to appreciate it for all its worth. I get how the vintage VHS look is a fun idea but still! Despite saying that however I ended up really liking it for this latest Robotech set. Probably helps that the o-cards aren’t made of the usual glossy paper stock and are instead really heavy and thick cardboard giving them an almost old book type feel. 

The interior art for the amaray cases as well as the disc art are all great looking. I was especially impressed with the art used for the Masters Saga set which opted to feature protagonist Dana instead of a mech.

The earlier mentioned chipboard box. The entire set looks great in it but it does lead to my major complaint for Funimation about the packaging; it’s all Macross. Yes, the Macross Saga is great, hell it’s a common sentiment amongst fans that “The Macross portion of Robotech is the best part”. But really what makes Robotech what it is was the mixing of multiple shows. Really bummed out that Southern Cross or Mospeada got no love this time. 

The Collector’s Edition blu-ray standing next to the 2013 A&E DVD set, which was the only one I could really find laying around at the time of this writing. 

The first of these two images is a screenshot directly taken from the 2013 A&E DVD set, and the second of the two is a screenshot taken directly from the 2021 BD from Funimation. This pattern will be followed for all subsequent comparison shots; DVD on top then BD below it. 

The colors really pop when the image is done right--with darker frames advantaging the most while brighter ones are too oversaturated.  

Overall there is greater detail and the colors presented better reflect the original animation work in the BD but it isn’t too uncommon for it to look a bit garish and oversaturated at times too. 

I’d still say this BD upscale is a noticeable improvement at least from the 2013 DVD set I had on hand but well any fan of DBZ will know the song and dance with Funimation and how they remaster old footage. The similar issue of them working off a copy of a master and not the original film itself probably also is equally in play here as it is for their many botched DBZ sets. I’d also argue this set is a bit too heavy on grain (and I say that as a huge lover of grain) but the oversaturation may be the true culprit behind that feeling. 

Overall Funimation’s BD is a nice upgrade but I don’t see myself dipping any more into Robotech unless they actually can recreate the show from the original film master, by this point any more work will just be negligible.

It’s a steep price tag, and the entire series is fairly easy to stream now too if you have a Funimation account, but for the right kind of fan it makes a great piece for your collection. Until next time, let us all hold out hope for potential Macross, Southern Cross, and Mospeada blu-rays.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[angelicmichael]

Imminient Annihilation Sounds so Dope, Chapter Seven

Michael Langdon x reader

Summary: Reader confesses to Mallory that she met Michael and they go have a night out, execpt they run into a certain someone ;)

Words: 6.1k+

Warnings; Mentions of alcohol poisoning, and someone gets VERY drunk (not saying who cause I don’t wanna spoil it). For the sake of the fic pretend that all characters including the reader are of legal drinking age: please and thank you lol

A/N: Sorry for not updating this in so long ���� I will be back to add a ‘read more’ line and add it to my master list in a couple days. Idk why all my chapters and fics are so fucking long I’m sorry 😂 this chapter was originally even longer but I cut it down believe it or not. I feel like the chapter is the ‘peak’ moment for the tension between Michael and Reader for sure. The tension and the dynamic between them is just so fun to write honestly haha. Reblog or like this if you enjoyed ♥️ also if u wanna be on the tag list let me know!! ALSOO this is readers POV and takes place about a day after the last chapter!

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

You felt tense. That was the best way to describe how you felt but it also wasn’t. You felt a constant swirling storm inside of you since you met Michael. That storm made you feel different flavors and elements of being anxious and angry but being tense was the most prominent emotion of them all.

You made the difficult choice to lay low about your new powers, but that only seemed the make the crazed whirlwind of emotions you felt even worse.

You knew you were making the best decision by not telling the coven, it would only breed more chaos and make everything more complicated if you did decide to come clean about your powers. You hated to admit it but lying to Cordelia was too fucking easy.

Telling little white lies to Cordelia was easy anyway, however, pretending that you only had two powers everyday was not so easy. You could feel your new powers growing and itching to be used. It was almost like you had all of this pent up energy inside of you but no outlet. It seemed to burn at your fingertips and the fact that you couldn’t be your true authentic self in front of your sisters was slowly killing you and sending you into some kind of depression. You weren’t sure what was worse, going insane or letting the depression slowly eat away at you.

However hiding your new powers from your best friend was what was really proving to be the most difficult of all. You were normally a open book with Mallory, she knew everything that there was to know about you.. execpt for this. She didn’t know that you were now supposed to be the next supreme, and she certainly didn’t know that your powers were so strong that you were even stronger than the actual antichrist himself. And it was killing you not to tell her, and it was showing.

You had been drawing back and becoming reserved around Mallory over the past couple days, and it would be naive to say she didn’t notice. You knew she noticed but you two were just avoiding the topic.

Today was starting out as another typical morning for you. You and Mallory both got up, got dressed and were prepping to go downstairs to have another boring, dull day. Even though you had been distancing yourself from her you still waited to walk downstairs with her, and make small talk atleast. You atleast owed her that much.

You watched Mallory come out of the bathroom that was connected to your room, and shut the door. You stood up and approached your bedroom door; getting ready to leave but you felt a small hand touch your shoulder instead and stop you.

“(y/n), wait”.

You turned around and met Mallory’s sad honey colored eyes. It wasn’t just her eyes that seemed sad though, you could even hear it her voice. Something was wrong.

“Can we talk”?

She asked and you immeaditly nodded as you two both sat down on her bed. You couldn’t help but remember how last time you two sat on her bed to talk it was to discuss how you found out Micheal was your soulmate.. it seemed like only bad news was revealed on this bed.

“Yeah of course”.

You replied and took a deep breath and continued to keep talking instead of letting her talk.

“But it’s not fair to you Mallory that you have to be the one to initiate this conversation.. I.. Ive been hiding something”.

You spoke softly as you bit your lip. You could feel a pit in your stomach start to form as you did not want to continue to have this conversation with her but you knew you had too. You really shouldn’t have been keeping this information from her for so long in the first place. You noticed Mallory started to sit up a bit straighter as her eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion. Her mouth opened like she was about to start talking when you cut her off once again.

“I hurt Madison”.

Your words came out shakily, and you made sure to utter them out as a whisper so that none of your sisters could hear. The only thing you really became conscious of was your breathing and your heart beating in your chest. Everything else in the world seemed completely silent and irrelevant. It was as if the world had paused for a couple of seconds until Mallory chose to speak again.

“Madison? How? Why-“

She looked awfully confused as she spoke, and the words seemed to come out quickly. As if she thought the faster she spoke the faster you would give her an answer.

“I didn’t mean too but Micheal wasn’t there at all at first, it was Madison and it was my only option - she would’ve killed me”.

“So it was self defense”?

Mallory asked, the confused expression she wore ealier melted away and now was replaced with a much more stoic and cold look. However, it still held a touch of softness. She had to know deep down that you wouldn’t do something like this unless it was absolutely necessary.. right?

“Yes! I would never hurt her otherwise and you should know that! I wouldn’t hurt a fly”.

You replied and this was when Mallory gave you a small smile and rubbed your shoulder gently with her hand.

“I know (y/n) it’s just I don’t want you to get in trouble. Maybe we should tell Cordelia”?

Mallory offered as she drew her hand back from you.

“There’s no way I could tell Cordelia, Mallory. You know that this whole situation would just stress her out even more than she already is. I feel like she already thinks that I can’t pull the whole ‘seduce Michael’ scheme off. This would just add fuel to the fire, you know”?

You asked her, biting your lip in frustration.

“No, your right. I’m sorry, I just- this whole thing is so complicated. It would just be nice to have a easy solution to all of this”.

Mallory replied with a giggle and a small smile. She looked at you and looked at the floor as if she was deep in thought, and when you got a look in her eyes - you saw a glimmer of adventure and playfulness in her eyes. It was the same glimmer that was in her eyes when you first met her - it was what drew you to her initially. Mallory turned her head back up to look at you and this time she was grinning.

“So your telling me that your powers are stronger than Madison’s? Because you look unscathed”.

She continued and you took a deep breath.

“I- yeah. That’s another thing.. I think seeing Micheal for the first time set something off inside of me because I have these crazy powers, Mallory. I- I stopped Michael from hurting me. I dont know exactly how but I did. Each day my powers seem to be growing and I don’t want to burden anyone else with this information so.. I just feel helpless”.

You ranted. You felt incredibly guilty as you spoke, you knew you were implying that you would be the next supreme but that’s not what you wanted. You didn’t want to be supreme. You didn’t want to take that away from Mallory, your best friend.

“I know your meant to be the next supreme and I would never want to take that away from you-“

You continued to talk but Mallory hugged you and before you realized it you stopped talking. You sat there on the bed speechless. You looked at the patch of sunlight that was in the room since the light was turned off and the curtains were drawn. You supposed noticing this ray of sun was a sign - a sign that things would finally get better and that Mallory would drag you out of this weird funk you’ve found yourself in the past couple days. Then Mallory started to speak,

“Don’t ever think that your taking something away from me. I never really wanted to be supreme anyway I mean, that’s a lot of responsibility and.. I don’t know (y/n) but maybe your not supreme. If your powers are really growing at the rate you said they were then wouldn’t Cordelia’s powers be dying out? And Cordelia’s powers haven’t been affected that I’ve noticed”.

By the time she was finished talking, Mallory stopped hugging you and was looking at you dead in the eyes. The patch of sunlight seemed to hit her and highlighted her dark brown eyes, making them look golden and honey brown. They were beautiful. She was beautiful.

But now was not the time to ogle at Mallory’s beauty; you knew she had a point. Cordelia was constantly teaching and preforming her powers, it would be obvious if her powers started to deplete.

“Yeah but what would that even mean? Would that mean I’m like some other entity like Micheal is? I mean, damn maybe I’m not even a witch at all”.

You were thinking outloud at this point. You crossed your arms gently as you started to get deep in thought. What the fuck would that even mean if you weren’t a witch? How many entities were there that even had ‘magical’ powers? And how would that even really make sense anyway? Your powers really only advanced so rapidly once you met Michael, before that you were just like any other witch. If you really were a entity or something, wouldn’t your powers manifested immeaditly? Plus, you think you would’ve noticed if you really were a demon or some shit.

“Well don’t jump to conclusions I mean, if you really want to know if your a witch you should talk to Cordelia. She would know. Taking the seven wonders wouldn’t be a horrible idea either”.

“Yeah.. maybe after this whole ordeal with Micheal is over though”.

It was nearly as if a lightbulb was turned on in Mallory, she suddenly lit up when you mentioned Micheals name and her mouth even dropped open slightly.

“I totally forgot about Micheal! What happened with Micheal when you met him? How did he not hurt you”?

She questioned and you licked your lips before you continued.

“Take a guess”.

You said with a smirk. It was as if she read your mind because she seemed to know immeaditly what you were talking about. She knew that you were implying that your powers were stronger than Michaels.

“No way! We need to tell Cordelia”!

Mallory’s face continued to light up but you simply shook your head.

“I cant, Mallory. I really can’t”.

You replied softly, trying to stifle a laugh. It made you happy to know that Mallory didn’t reject you or the idea that you might possibly be supreme. However the idea that you perhaps weren’t even fucking human at all overwhelmed you - to say the very least. For now, you were trying to ignore that little detail though.

“Well if your stronger than Micheal than there’s no reason to stay cooped up then, is there”?

“But the coven and Cordelia still need to think that nothing changed. They don’t even know that I met Micheal-“

“We’re going out tonight whether you like it or not. It’s a Friday, and no one will notice if we sneak out.. we deserve a nice night out stress free”.

She replied and you couldn’t help but agree to it. She had a point, it felt purely stupid now to hide away in Robichaux’s when you really had nothing to fear.. even if Micheal did show up, you were stronger than him.. when it came to him hurting you though. Who knows if you would be able to stop his powers if he tried to hurt someone else, like god forbid, Mallory. The odds of Micheal actually showing up tonight in Lousiana were slim to none though. Most likely the fucker was cooped up in his crazy expensive penthouse back in L.A.

But after all you deserved to have a nice night out. You deserved this.

~

It wasn’t hard to find a house party to go to on a Friday night in Lousiana.. it was nearly laughable at how easy it truly was. It was getting close to midnight and you and Mallory had just arrived, parking the black SUV about a block away from the party you two planned on ‘crashing’.

The house was huge, and college students decorated the yard and flooded the house - making the once spacious area seem cramped and tiny as you walked through the yard and then into the house with Mallory. Mallory led the way as she held your hand as to not get lost as you two had to push through people to find drinks.

It was difficult to be completely certain but with the limited decor you noticed on the walls, the house seemed to be a frat house which explained why all the boys looked like jocks and why all the females seemed to be dressed in minimal clothing. You and Mallory both sported black dresses, hers was long and flowy and fell to about her knees while your dress hugged your body a lot more and ended mid thigh.

You two looked like you belonged here, like you were a part of the party scene but you really weren’t. This was the first time you and Mallory had ever been to be a place like this... from what you heard - this seemed to be more of Madison’s scene. You know she frequently visited frat houses - probably even this one atleast once.

Thinking about Madison put a bad taste in your mouth - it made you incredibly sad. The image of how Madison’s body looked when you threw her against the wall played in your mind but you were quickly brought out of your thoughts when Mallory handed you a cup. You took a sniff of it and sure enough, whatever the substance was DEFINITELY had alcohol in it. You tried not to think to hard about what the substance exactly was before you completly chugged it. Mallory merely gawked at you.

“Your gonna get sick if you keep drinking that fast”!

Mallory yelled at you, you could barely hear her through the blasting music and all of the people talking. You simply giggled at her before replying.

“I’ll be right back”!

You yelled as you turned around, on a mission to find where the rest of the booze was. Of course you didn’t see where Mallory got your booze from in the first place, and it was fucking impossible to see where the kitchen was when you were literally shoulder to shoulder with strangers from how packed this house was.

You swear you could already feel the effects of the alcohol because you knew normally you would be gagging at the smell the house reeked of. It could be best described as pure sweat and maybe unwashed underwear?

You were pleasantly surprised to find that when you next opened your mouth, it was words that came out and not vomit. You didn’t even look to see who was next to you when you spoke; there were so many people in this god damn house - someone was bound to hear you. You had wandered off from Mallory as well, you couldn’t see her anymore but you really weren’t worried at the moment.

“Excuse me, do you know where there keeping the alcohol”?

You tapped the person who was next to you on the shoulder lightly.

The person had their back turned to you and as soon as you actually had time to look at them - you felt as if you had been stabbed square in the chest with fear.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

The person you tapped wore a full black outfit with hands crossed behind their back, and their fingers were adorned with several expensive looking rings. Their hair was a curly, beautiful, golden blonde that seemed to rest around their head like a nest or halo of some sort. You just knew that all of these features seemed to hauntingly familiar to you. Too familiar.

Your mouth fell open as you tried to back up but you ended up stepping on someone’s foot, you were trapped. This time, if it really was him, you didn’t have the luxury of running away like you did on the previous meeting. You didn’t know if it was worse to be alone with him or to be stuck with him in a room full of people. Hopefully you were just over reacting and this was just a doppelgänger at best.

The person (who you were hoping wasn’t Micheal) finally sauntered around to face you, you couldn’t help but continue to gawk at them with your mouth wide open. You knew if you continued to keep your mouth open you would surely attract flies so you managed to close your mouth.

You realized this person was wearing a light black cape with two golden claspes on each side with a golden chain running between the two claspes. You couldn’t help but briefly think how expensive those claspes probably were - fuck. All it took was for you to look up and meet his icy blue eyes. Fuck, those eyes. Once you pulled yourself out of the trance his eyes seemed to put you in, you then realized who you were staring at... oh no.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck fuck!!

“I don’t, I was actually just looking for the drinks myself. Care to search with me”?

You stood there as he spoke, completly fucking baffled. You forgot you had even talked to him at all ealier, but he sure didn’t seem surprised to see you. Weird. It was almost as if he knew you were going to be here, but how was that even possible? He wore a smug smirk on his face while your thoughts started to race at one hundred miles per hour.

You tried to make it look less apparent that you were so shocked; it looked like he was getting off on the fact that you looked caught off guard. You didn’t know too much about him but you knew he had a thing for control and manipulation; and you weren’t about to let Langdon control you anymore than he already had.

“Wait.. What? What the fuck are you even doing here”?

You asked and threw your hands up in the air in frustration. The sheer hatred and anger you held in your voice got the attention of a few people who stood close to you but they quickly lost interest.. thank god.

You went to this party with the intention of finally letting go of fear and being able to be free and yet you ran into the person that you were dreading would be there. You felt incredibly angry that he took this night away from you, a night where you could just let go and have fun but now that was fucking gone.

It was odd how he wasn’t scared to confront you when he knew you were stronger than he is. It’s as if he got off on having control over you and your life, and even how you felt.. And you were so fucking over it. It was so fucking sick.

“I could easily ask you the same, couldn’t I”?

Micheal responded. Instead of yelling to talk to you, you noticed that he kept moving in closer and closer to talk to you and you were still trapped. You could feel your palms starting to itch with inticipation, waiting for the right moment to use your powers to attack - if it came to that but that was the absolute last resort. You were surrounded by way too many people to just use your powers freely like in the abandoned house you two had met in previously.

“You don’t own me Micheal. I’m sick of feeling like you control me, I feel like I’m not even in charge of my own emotions or actions anymore. And now when I finally try to have a night to forget about you, you fucking show up. So let me ask you again, what are you fucking doing here”?

You hissed. You kept your voice a little low, still yelling but not quite at the volume that would catch other people’s attention. You made sure to look right into Micheals eyes as you spoke, you wanted to show him you weren’t scared. There was no reason to cower from him anymore.

Micheal smirked as he glanced over his shoulder, as if he was making sure no one was picking up on your conversation. There was so many fucking people here, it was really hard to tell if any of them were purposely listening in or not. And even if they were listening, it probably just sounded like you two were exes that happened to run into eachother at a party.

“I’m here for the same reason you are. To forget about all of the bullshit that’s happened within this past week. So, C’Mon lets go take shots”.

Micheal said and actually grabbed your hand. Your mouth dropped once again as soon as he touched you, your not sure if it was from pure surprise or disgust.. maybe both? Your first instinct was to take back your hand and you tried to - you really did but the fucker seemed to have cat like reflexes and he caught your hand before you could yank it away too far.

You thought the first time you would touch your soulmate you feel sparks or fireworks and maybe even butterflies but when Micheal touched you, and was even leading you through the crowd now - you felt nothing of the sort.

You felt regret, nausea, and if anything it felt like you had almost been electrocuted when he touched you. And not in a good way.

He was moving through the crowd pretty damn fast, and he wasn’t really holding your hand - more so grabbing onto your wrist as if you were a kid who was about to be punished. You tried to slide your wrist out of his grip but he wouldn’t fucking let go, and it was really starting to hurt. You stumbled behind him and he continued lugging you through the crowd and to the kitchen; where there was definetly still a crowd but it was more dispersed and there was actually room to breathe. It was a little bit quieter here too, the music a little bit distant and the crowd was more sparse. It wasn’t nessacary to scream here to talk but you chose to anyway for your next sentence because you wanted to make sure he fucking heard you.

“Micheal let go”!

You yelled, you still couldn’t work your wrist free so you took your other hand to pry Micheals hand free off of you.

You noticed people were staring at you two - you didn’t look to see but you could feel their eyes on you. Micheal must’ve sensed that you two were getting attention because he finally let go of your fucking wrist. Ow. He might’ve let go because you were also digging your nails into his skin as well.

You rubbed your wrist which was now red as you frowned deeply. Even though your wrist was really just irritated and not actually injured; you still chose to put your other hand over your wrist and heal it. It’s not like anyone would notice, you doubted even Michael noticed what you were doing. However, What you really wanted to do was to continue to yell at Micheal but you knew you couldn’t do that now, espically since you just got people to stop staring. You cleared your throat.

“What the hell is this all about Micheal? Are you out of your mind”?

You hissed, glaring daggers at him as you spoke. You hurt Madison, why was he not furious with you? It made no fucking sense. And he wanted to take shots with you?? What??

You don’t know what exactly you were so mad about honestly, because this point it was fucking everything. You don’t know if it was the fact that he was trying to pretend everything was okay when it obviously fucking wasn’t, or the fact he was expecting you to just forget all of the bad blood that was between you too? Who knew at this point.

You waited for him to talk but instead he moved toward the counter to pour shots, you assumed since he was so hellbent on you two drinking together. You wouldn’t be surprised if he poisoned your drink honestly but something about Michael today seemed desperate, and sad. He really seemed like he was trying to get on your good side; maybe you were just reading him wrong but you felt like you could trust him tonight.

Michael didn’t even bother to turn around to reply to you; he kept his focus on the alcohol and not even making eye contact as he spoke.

“I told you, I’m done fighting”.

He said. He nearly slammed the alcohol bottle down onto the counter and he turned to look at you as he kept speaking. He first handed you your shot which happened to be clear in a tiny red plastic cup. You stared at the fluid in the cup suspiciously, and then you looked back up at Michael. You figured you would watch him drink his shot first before you had yours.

“The more I try to distance myself from you, the more I just end up getting fucking nowhere so I’m done trying to run away from you. Whenever I try to push you away someone ends up getting hurt, so It’s not worth it.. bottoms up”.

Micheal took his shot and downed it within seconds and slammed it back down on the counter. You noticed he was already reaching for the bottle to fill up his glass again. You continued to keep holding onto your cup absentmindedly as you watched Michael pour himself another glass. You couldn’t help but to notice how whenever he spoke tonight there seemed to be a desperation in his voice, it was as if he had given up. It almost made you feel bad for him.. almost.

You had to remind yourself who he was, and what his ultimate goals were. The only reason he was sad and angsty tonight was because he couldn’t manipulate you or use his powers against you, it wasn’t because he cared or felt any kind of empathy for you. It stung and hurt for you to acknowledge that but you knew you couldn’t let his charm cloud your judgement.

You already had a drink ealier but you figured this tiny shot wouldn’t hurt, being tipsy around Micheal couldn’t be TOO risky.. After all Michael seemed to be pretty cozy with drinking around you. You downed your shot and pull your small plastic cup back onto the table; assuming Micheal would fill it for you since he was still holding the bottle of alcohol.

You were about to speak but instead you heard someone else speak up and talk to Micheal instead.

“Why are you even taking shots? You might as well just drink the whole bottle at this point”.

It was an all too familiar voice, you whipped your head around and you saw Mallory. You exhaled and grinned, you were never happier to see another human being in your fucking life.

It’s not like you were alone with Micheal, you were surrounded by people but you felt alone. Micheal could do whatever he wanted to you here because you couldn’t use your powers. You felt isolated and alone but now with Mallory here? You were getting the fuck out. Nothing could stop you now.

You were surprised Mallory made such a snide remark to the damn antichrist of all people.. I mean she knew who he was.. right?

Micheal at first smirked, and then he full on laughed - it was like he was trying to hold it in at first. He was defintly feeling the alcohol you could only assume. You’d never seen him laugh before... you couldn’t decipher whether it was a true laugh or a sarcastic one from being challenged.

“Your right. I guess I will”.

Micheal announced, he placed his shot glass on the table and even slid it across. Your not sure if it slid naturally or if he used a bit of his magic - a quick glance around told you that no one seemed to notice or care execpt you.

He started to chug the bottle which happened to be a pretty big fucking bottle of Absolute Vodka. You watched his throat as his Adam’s apple continued to bob as he swallowed.. and swallowed and swallowed. You and Mallory’s mouth both dropped open, you didn’t know what the fuck to do. You both looked at eachother in shock as you watched the amount of liquid in the bottle start to grow smaller and smaller.

He was defintly going to get sick at this rate, and be drunk off his fucking ass. Yes, you hated him and wanted him dead but not like this. Choking on his own vomit and dying drunk and alone would be a fucking awful death; even for the antichrist. And lucky for him you actually gave a shit about people and their feelings.

You knew Cordelia’s ideal end game would be to have Micheal dead as soon as possible but if you could help it Micheal wasn’t going to die tonight. You would rather it be a quick and painless death if he had to die; dying by being drunk would not quick and painless. And on the other hand, Mallory didn’t even know this was Micheal yet. You assumed she probably thought this was just some guy you stumbled across - which wasn’t a totally wrong assumption. You brought your attention back to the man in front of you; who was still fucking drinking, the bottle was nearly empty.

“Hey! Stop”!

You hissed at Micheal. You gripped the end of the bottle and yanked it away from him - he had a damn good grip didn’t he?

The bottle was at least three quarters empty, fuck. You noticed Mallory gave you a weird look when you yelled at Micheal but you only did so cause you didn’t want to randomly name drop him, you figured they could have a (semi) proper introduction.

You still held onto the bottle as you shifted glances between Mallory and Micheal. You pointed at each of them with the bottle you held as you said their names.

“Mallory, this is Micheal. Micheal, this is Mallory”.

Mallory, who was staring at you before, instantly snapped her head toward Michael as her eyes grew wide. It was as if she was trying to convince herself that what you had just said wasn’t true. She looked completly panicked, in fact you could nearly feel the anxiety radiating off of her like how you would feel the heat rising off of a hot stove.

“This is Micheal”?!

Mallory asked in a panicked whisper. You merely nodded quickly. Micheal on the other hand looked purely amused, and swayed in place dangerously. If he wasn’t drunk before, he definitely was now. you had no doubt in your mind that he was reading and taking in all her thoughts right now, if he wasn’t too drunk to use his powers anyway. You weren’t drunk, maybe just a little tipsy at most but you could still feel the strength of your powers swirling inside you. Being intoxicated definitely had no effect on the strength of your powers - that was good to know. Michaels blue eyes flickered from watching Mallory to meeting your gaze.

You knew no one else execpt maybe Mallory was staring at you but you felt under the spotlight under Micheals gaze, almost like how a bug would feel right before being squashed. You started to sweat and shift uncomfterably in place. You felt even more uncomfterable as he spoke.

“Is this your new normal now? Do you always keep a posey of witches around you wherever you go? How about you just introduce me to rest”.

Micheal mused, you nearly screeched when he said the word ‘witches’ outloud. Even though he looked obviously drunk, his words came out smoother than silk - not stumbling on his words once. You found it odd Michael didn’t even bother addressing Mallory, not even respecting her enough to look her in the eyes. You assumed he knew she was a witch from reading her thoughts, or maybe he could just sense it. This seemed to piss you off any more of that was even possible. He could at least pretend to be civil.

“Micheal, What is your problem? Im not scared of you”.

You snarled, you stepped closer to him, just a foot away from his face as you stared him in the eyes. Even though you felt insanely nervous doing this, you knew Micheal couldn’t hurt you. You just needed to show him that you were in control for once. Not him.

You felt Mallory’s soft hand on your bicep, very gently pulling your arm back. You knew she was scared that you or Michael would start fighting.

“(y/n), we need to go”.

You heard her say. Micheal still had a smug smile on his lips and you wanted nothing more than to wipe it clean off.

You backed off though, you took a couple steps back and turned to Mallory; your back now to Michael. As you spoke, you felt Micheal tug on the bottom of the bottle you still held - trying to take it back - but you gently tugged it back. He was already drunk out of his mind, no fucking way he was having more.

“I can’t leave him like this, he’s going to get himself killed”.

You explained to Mallory, frowning. It’s not like you wanted to spend tonight babysitting Micheal but you couldn’t trust him to be by himself.. even if he was acting like a asshole and purposefully trying to piss you off. You could tell Mallory was about to protest by the look on her face but you spoke instead.

“Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine. Go home, I’m gonna stay with him”.

“There’s no way I’m going to let you do that, what if he hurts you”?!

“I’m not worried, I’m stronger than him. Plus he’s drunk, the only one he’s in danger of hurting right now is himself”.

You said with a giggle. Mallory quickly took a couple steps toward you and bear hugged you. You hugged her back and you could barely make out the words,

“Be careful. I’m gonna head back”.

You gave Mallory a somber smile as you watched her melt back into the sea of people as she left the kitchen. You turned your attention back to the drunk bafoon you had the pleasure of babysitting tonight.

You caught him dancing embarrassingly bad and trying to lip sync to whatever hip hop song was playing.. you could only laugh as you walked over to him.

After pick pocketing his phone from his back pocket of his jeans, you quickly got you two a Uber to wherever the hell Michael was staying this time.

You could only hope it was another nice penthouse like how his one in L.A. was.

While holding his phone; you didn’t mean to snoop or go through anything execpt the Uber app (which you downloaded) but.. a message notification popped up.

A quick glance at Michael told you that he wasn’t paying attention, the dumbass was too drunk to even notice you took his phone in the first place.

You looked over back at his phone and first noticed the message was from Madison, and then you noticed what the message even was.. a photo. It looked to be a photo of.. oh my god.

Was that Madison? Was that a fucking nude? Your mouth opened and your shut his screen off, you immeaditly handed his phone back over to him which he reluctantly took with a confused puppy look.

By how Michael was talking ealier you thought that maybe he wanted to make mends but if he still had this kind of relationship with Madison, what did it even mean? What did any of this mean? You saw first hand though how in love he was with her. He wasn’t just going to break up with her, you should’ve known that.

You shook your head, atleast you knew you had a lot to think about tonight.

Taglist: @mindlesschicca @mina672 @guiltyfiend @michaellangdonstanaccount @9layerdevilsfoodcake

[bigskydreaming]

You’re a disgusting, abuse-survivor-shaming cunt. I hope you choke, I truly do.

So I get way more of these kinds of messages than I could possibly ever count. Have been for years. I don’t generally reply to them the way I mock some other hate messages I can at least have fun with, because like, what’s there to say about this kinda thing, y’know?

I don’t know how to get people to understand that there is NOTHING hypothetical about my anger about the things in fandom I get angry about. My rants about dark fic are PERSONAL, they have NOTHING to do with some arbitrary moral superiority stance. I don’t make assumptions as to others’ survivor status or motivations for writing various things because I don’t HAVE to, my anger and frustration are with the OUTPUT, not the inciting reasons. 

My hostility towards fandom comes directly from the hostility fandom shows me every time people try to convince me that I have no reason to have the reactions I do to the way they interact with the extremely combustible topics that define my own trauma and that of others. And the fact that fandom at large has decided that the ONLY acceptable reactions from survivors upon seeing others engaging with these sensitive topics in any way they choose, is either to be silent, or to take part in it. 

I don’t have to know which writers of which fics are or aren’t actually survivors attempting coping mechanisms of their own to be fucking furious at the way fandom has literally commodified these traumas, made them exploitable by making the catchphrase “some people write dark fic to cope” all-inclusive, utilized by anyone. With no shame or self-scrutiny as to the fact that YOU at least know if you are or aren’t a survivor, and if you aren’t one, you have ZERO business offering this particular line up as a defense to any survivor taking issue with the ways you embrace particular topics in particular ways.

The only things I have any interest in shaming people for is their choices, the fucking CHOICE to turn on any survivor who dares say “I have issues with this take” and this goes for abuse as much as it does rape. I’ve lost count of the number of authors over the years who HAVE spoken of being rape survivors specifically but then turn around and treat childhood physical abuse as their personal playground, with none of the care they put into crafting rape storylines on display when they casually have male abuse survivors punching each other in every other argument and just citing ‘boys will be boys.’ I can have sympathy for their status and experiences as rape survivors while still being upset at how they simultaneously perpetuate so many of the untruths that make it so hard for abuse survivors to affirm that they have actually been abused rather than call it something that its not, something that they’ve seen writers call it because the writers simply don’t want to inspect the fact that they’ve casually and without awareness written their characters abusing another.

It’s not a zero sum game.

I get angry not because I feel powerless in my own life (I don’t, actually, thanks, I’ve taken actionable steps every single day to fix what’s wrong in my own life and lol that’s power baby), and not because I’m fixated on my own trauma and unwilling to move past it (lol yeah I have no money to spend on anything BUT therapy because I’m committing to the highly specialized and expensive therapy I only arrived at after years of trial and error with other forms because I just don’t want to move past any of this, okay sure).

Nah, I get angry because of the galaxy brain intellects who smarmingly just decide on this view of me for themselves, condescension dripping from every ‘well-meaning’ expression of contempt sympathy, with zero examination of the fact that like.....idk guys, its a little hard to move past my trauma when everyone ELSE seems more fixated on it than I do! LOL, so we’re just gonna skip merrily on by the fact that the only reason its an ISSUE for me in fandom is because its EVERYWHERE in fandom, huh? ‘Mind the tags’ people parrot mindlessly, as though its not like tags HAVE to be created with self-awareness for what people are supposed to mind, or like I haven’t had people literally try to trigger me with tags aimed specifically at getting under my skin as ‘payback’ for something I wrote (out of moral superiority, naturally, not a visceral display of emotion, never that). As though the tags have anything to do with the fact that even outside of Ao3, there are incest-themed shipping weeks every single month of the year, that every major discord server and fic exchange and other fandom wide event demands participants be ‘ship-friendly’ which might as well be code for ‘not friendly to anyone who doesn’t prioritize ships over survivors,’ like fandom hasn’t created a culture in which people are more inclined to be defensive over how people make writers FEEL about stuff they’ve written than they are to be defensive over how certain writing makes various survivors feel.

I’ll never get over how a fandom that universally expressed disdain for Devin Grayson’s disrespectful handling of the sensitive topic of rape has obliviously embraced every form of euphemism under the sun for their own content, and just flat out REFUSES to concede that there is ANY room for criticism in ANY handling of even the most sensitive of topics. Because there’s no sensitivity allowed when it comes to any topic in fandom....unless its the writer’s sensitivity, that must be respected at all costs.

Does that not really strike you as....odd? Aren’t there lines out there about how no society or culture or environment that truly embraces free speech can simultaneously embrace freedom from criticism? And yet time and time again, its anyone who dares criticize - in ANY fashion - the HOW of what someone wrote, not even the WHY, they’re the ones termed authoritarian, censor, the one attempting to SHUT DOWN conversation rather than expand upon it. Tell me, what conversation was THIS anon and similar ilk attempting to invite? Every criticism I write of fandom invites people to engage with it. I fucking BEG people to engage with it. You’re the ones who choose not to. At least not in good faith. Because its only when I refuse to let you move the goalposts from anything other than this being about me reacting to what you wrote, no aim at doing anything other than being a reaction to an action, not an attempt to tell you what to do, just an attempt to get you to tell me WHY, if it really is as defensible as you loftily claim it is - then why is it you just can’t tell me, straight to my face, that it doesn’t matter what negative reaction your writing evokes, you don’t actually have to care? Cuz you don’t, of course. But if you’re that content with your own motivations, your own impact, why so uncomfortable just saying that?

The funny thing is, I truly don’t make any assumptions as to the why of anyone writing dark fic. I have a lot to say about the fact that we all know damn well that at least some of the people offering up the ‘some survivors use dark fic to cope’ aren’t speaking of themselves when they do so, but I have ZERO interest in imagining who that is and why. I’ve spoken of the fact that its willful naivete to assume that even if your own motivations for writing certain content are innocent in your own mind, you can’t assume the same of EVERYONE. That its nothing but willfulness to pretend that actual predators don’t peruse the same content. That the very same factors that make Dick Grayson so appealing to survivors, for example, as a strong heroic character who neverthless has been victimized and violated more than once - the flip side of this coin is this of course makes him EQUALLY appealing to people on the other end of things....a strong heroic character who nevertheless can be victimized and violated more than once.

And yet I honestly, truly have no interest in figuring out who might be whom, when it comes to writers, and I don’t assume everyone who writes or reads certain content in certain ways is in the latter camp. IT DOES ME NO GOOD, to go through life assuming that many people are all potential rapists or inclined to side with my own rapists’ or abusers’ side of things. I CHOOSE to give people the benefit of the doubt there, I assume perhaps they ARE survivors trying in good faith to cope with their own trauma and defensive about hearing that butts up against with other survivors trying to move on in other ways, or that they’re simply people who grew up in fandom being told there is nothing they can write that can be termed wrong, and have trouble with such a deeply held conviction being contested. Or perhaps only got into shipping incest because the ‘fandom elders’ of various fandoms like SPN deliberately and with full intent once upon a time pitched incest as being the same kind of taboo relationship that the same kind of people who forced gay men into secretive relationships were against....that incest ships and closeted gay ships were basically the same, and so as the latter became less of a thing as media showed more open gay relationships, incest ships became more of a thing among fans who were really compelled by the secretive/’society’s against them’ aspect of forbidden love.

I don’t assume any of that on a ONE TO ONE basis with any single writer or reader because I don’t KNOW their personal story and I’m not TRYING to. It makes no difference when I’m not talking about or arguing against the WHY of someone doing a thing, but the HOW. The end result, and the interactions it creates in the environment in which their output is published, shared, celebrated.

All at the expense of any survivor who doesn’t enjoy seeing things they’ve struggled with getting taken seriously about, maybe all their lives....not taken seriously, and offered up as just a themed week on the latest fantasy porn prompt generator. The problem with incest shippers isn’t even just ‘you ship incest, why do you do that,’ its that you can’t seem to manage to do it without assuming anyone who objects is only doing so out of a place of moral superiority. You try and make it a hypothetical argument “well what about when you do this” as opposed to something rooted in the here and now of the personal. We’re not talking about what ifs, we’re talking about what is. Deal with that before you try raising something else, instead of always raising something else so you never have to deal with that. 

The problem is people condescendingly assuming we have ZERO basis for any objection, or any negative reaction at all. Its our own fault, you see, for being too stupid to get that fiction doesn’t affect reality (even though we’ve debunked that time and time again). Its our own fault, you see, for not getting that its not really incest BECAUSE (a claim that is never actually as universal as it tries to pretend to be, and thus is never more than a distraction for the specific argument that prompted it). Its our own fault, you see, for not getting that this isn’t really a big deal, there are bigger problems, and its awfully sad if we’re so fragile and delicate we can’t handle someone enjoying something that has nothing to do with us (even though its never your call whether or not it has anything to do with us, just as its never our call what your specific motivations for writing specific content might be).

The problem is the same thing I’ve been dealing with all my life, and all the more exhausting for it being front and center in fandoms that claim to be escapism and catharsis for survivors....as long as those survivors perform in the manner fandom is comfortable with....aka the manner fandom has exploited and commodified in order to make certain manners of enjoying certain topics possible and defensible for ALL fans, regardless of their own connection to such topics, or motivations surrounding them.

Denial, avoidance, and abdication of responsibility. There’s no problem if YOU don’t see a problem, after all. There can’t be a problem if you just refuse to acknowledge a problem. A problem has nothing to do with you if you simply have nothing to do with it.

And all the while, you continue engaging in the same behaviors that provoke the same reactions that you refuse to ever actually engage with or address, relying on gaslighting to try and sell people and everyone around them that THEY’RE the real problem....its us that have no respect for freedom of speech, creativity or the creative process, other peoples’ traumas, the difference between fantasy and reality, etc etc ad nauseam.

We see people waving away instances of physical abuse with textbook abuse apologism, and we’re told we don’t know what we’re talking about. We see people offering up wording and phrasing in the comment sections of fics that are literally textbook grooming techniques we recognize from our own experiences and we’re told we’re imagining things. We see characters raping others without it being described as rape and we’re told we didn’t mind the tags, even though oddly enough, none of the tags actually said ‘rape’ but rather other euphemisms and if they aren’t in place to tell readers not to expect actual rape in the actual fic, then, what purpose is it they actually serve, again?

But sure.

Talk to me some more about survivor-shaming. 

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

2020 IN WRITING

tagged by: @indestinatus​

tagging: no one, because I am unable to think straight. But whoever is interested in doing this: I’m interested in reading it. <3 

Wow, okay, I’m getting real in this little questionnaire... read at your own risk, friends.

1. List of works published this year:

I genuinely can’t write them all out here... there are too many of them! (I’ve done so little besides writing this year!) But I keep a running list of all my projects here. I’m sorry for cheating on this one, haha. 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

This question comes up a lot on these things, and I always put the same answer: That We May Forgive. It’s has emotional moments, silly moments, heartfelt moments where the warmth made me cry as I wrote. It was written in one sitting, and it’s the story where I felt most connected to the characters I love so much. It sums up the joy I feel knowing that these (fictional) friends of mine have finally reached peace after too many years of trauma and hardship. I began the story with a single line in mind, after which the characters took over and told the story for me:

Ziva's second pregnancy is nothing like her first.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

You Stumble, You Soar, which was written for one of my dearest friends in the world, @why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee​. I wanted to do so much better by her, but as I ran out of time to complete the story by the end of her birthday, I rushed the writing and I think the story suffered for it. It made her happy, though, and that’s the most important thing. She deserves all the happiness, all the time—but especially on her birthday. 

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I can’t think of a favorite excerpt of my writing, because I’ve written so much that I can’t think back!

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

“Wow. Let me just tell you that I am absolutely in love with this story. I wake up everyday and, as I log into fanfiction, my only hope is that you've uploaded a new chapter because DAMN. The characters are so well written, the story is beautifully constructed and this last chapter just broke my heart into tiny little pieces. What a remarkable job you've done. Please, don't ever stop writing NCIS/Tiva fanfiction- specially this one story: it's one of my all time favorites. Thank you :)”

An incredibly kind and inspiring comment by a reader named Alexandra on my longest (WIP) fic, We Are an Ocean.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I’ve had two periods of NCIS hiatus this year—and actually, I’m still in the midst of the second one right now. These have periods of turmoil in my own life. When I’m upset, feeling sick, feeling sorry for myself and I’m depressed and aching... that’s when I write the best, because writing is my safety blanket. When I’m feeling numb, though, or lost... the characters are lost to me, too, and so are the words I use to wrap them (and myself) in comfort.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I’m going to deviate here from NCIS, which is—I’m well aware—why most of my followers have chosen to follow me. But in the last month, I’ve written a single fic for Criminal Minds—it’s called In Possibility, it’s unpublished, and it’s now over 100,00 words. It’s centered on Spencer Reid, who was intimidating to me when I started writing the fic. He’s far more intelligent than I am, requiring me to do a lot of research to give him realistic lines, he’s a deep and complicated character with complicated motivations and a tangled, traumatic past. He also has a sweet, really good heart that’s been scarred by years of difficult work and an emotionally taxing personal life. 

I thought he’d be difficult to write; to my surprise, he comes as naturally to me as any of my other favorite characters ever have. He gave me my first nanowrimo win! To be frank, he’s gotten me through a lot of shit this year. That was the best surprise.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

To be honest, I wasn’t much of a writer before this year. I enjoyed writing, especially in a roleplay setting with fandom friends... but I deeply struggled with trying to write alone. I didn’t do much of it.

Then, this year, well... the concept of writing exploded into the most important distraction, escape, and joy I could imagine. 

I didn’t grow as a writer this year. I became a writer this year.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

My most recent project—the one that, as I’ve said, is (and will remain) unpublished—has given me a new perspective. It’s written for an audience of me and only me... so I’ve given myself permission to engage in the most ridiculously self-indulgent writing I’ve ever embraced and thrown myself into. 

And it has been the greatest joy I could imagine in a time of great pain.* 

Next year, I want to throw myself into every project I work on with as much reckless abandon as I’ve done in this last project. I want to stop worrying so much about what people will think and pursue the words that are bursting out of the fingers on my laptop keyboard. I want to have confidence in my ability to draw out emotions—if from no one else, at least from myself.

“If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.” —Emily Dickinson

And it’s alright if that one heart is mine.

That’s what I want to accomplish in my writing next year, and what a growth that would be!

* I’ve mentioned this in my last post, but I’m recovering from brain surgery, I also have the COVID-19 virus, and I’m working on passing a kidney stone that may be too big to pass. I’m writing 10,000 words a day to get through it—and it’s working. Distraction is everything to me right now.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Like Sof, I have to tag three people here, because I really couldn’t choose just one. My three best friends in the world all influenced my writing in their own ways! <3 (Sorry for deviating a little from the writing thing in some of the following lines, oops. I just have emotions that are all over the place this week!)

@indestinatus — One of a few best friends who has had my back every day for so long now. She listens when I need to talk things out—whether or not I’m talking about writing. She really gets me when I need to be silly, or I need to be serious, or I just really, really need a friend. Also, she inspired me to start learning Portuguese this year, and I’m actually practicing by writing a fic in Portuguese, lol. It’s slow going... but Sof encourages me (and corrects me, haha) whenever I work on it, just as she does with absolutely anything else I work on. Truly, I’ve had few friends in my life that are so special to me, and I love her. I really do. 

@why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee — Is there a better cheerleader on this earth? Is there a better friend? Doubtful on both counts. She thinks I’m a disaster—and, by the way, she’s absolutely right—and she sometimes has to remind me to eat and sleep, but she’s totally cool with being my internet mom. Doesn’t matter that she’s nearly a decade younger than I am, lol. All of these things have bolstered me when the writer inside of me has faltered, and she has carried my burdens as I wrote them out. Anyway, she reads everything I write, and she has requested to gain access to all of my unfinished chapters and unpublished works in the event that I die—I completely trust her with that nonsense. I’ve written it into my will. Really. Like with Sof, I genuinely love Tiz, and I’d do anything for her. 

@honeybadgerdocare — Best friend of 20 years. She doesn’t watch the same shows that I do, and my endless ranting makes very little sense to her... but she listens. She’s my sounding board for everything I write, everything I read, everything I watch, and everything that gives me big feelings. I genuinely can’t describe how much she has helped me with my writing every single day, so I’ll leave it at this: I could not do it without her. I’d drown in my own struggles and I’d stop creating the art that sustains me. She’s my soulmate—sorry to her fiancé. All of my love goes to her!

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

HAHAHAHAHA it’s cute how you think my writing is anything other than a re-organized and fictionalized version of my life and my feelings. Real life shows up in my writing, and my writing shows up in my real life. It gets crazy and obsessive, but like... I had a trip to Israel booked this year (obviously canceled due to the pandemic, but still) because Ziva comes from Israel. (Also because of my Jewish adoration for the spiritual homeland, but the thought of going and the trip planning all started with Ziva.) I went to Baltimore so I could run down an alley yelling “YOU CAN’T OUTRUN ME, I’M WEARING TUBE SOCKS!” to encourage my inner Tony DiNozzo. I nearly froze to death in Washington, D.C. and called my mom every time I saw a little red mini coop that looked like Ziva’s, or came across a place that was featured in an NCIS scene.

And to answer the actual question here, because I obviously flipped it around like the moron I am... when the pandemic canceled things I was desperately looking forward to, I wrote a fic where Tali’s excitedly anticipated dance recital got canceled because of the pandemic. I lost my appendix (last year, but the fic was written this year — does that count?) and wrote a fic where Tali loses hers, too. (I swear, I don’t always write things that torture Tali, lol, these are just my best examples!) When I lost a couple of loved ones this year, I wrote a funeral scene where Tony and Tali remembered Ziva. Writing is definitely free therapy, y’all.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Write for yourself—write what you love, and you’ll love what you write. That’s all. That’s it. That’s my advice, something I’ve learned this year.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’ve been working on We Are an Ocean for roughly a year now, and 2021 needs to see it finished. I’ve got a number of lovely, dedicated readers who deserve to see the story play out as it’s intended to be played out. 

Also, my greatest love right now, In Possibility, will probably write itself to an end in 2021. Or... who knows? Maybe it will worm its way into 2022, too. :-)

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year:

Since I already went into detail about my favorite fic of mine from this year (That We May Forgive), I’ll recommend a different one: The Stars Always Make Me Laugh. It has some of the darkest moments I’ve ever written, but it also has some of the lightest moments I’ve ever written. It was an answer to two different challenges, and if I can say this without sounding arrogant, I think I met the challenges beautifully. It gave me comfort, catharsis, and closure for a few things in my own life... and I hope it comforts my readers, too. 

15. Year word count: 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT (excuse my French). I just added up my AO3 word count + my current unpublished project, and... my word count is:

428,557.

FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SEVEN WORDS

I nearly just fell out of my chair. Goodbye, friends. I am deceased.

[kintatsujo]

Twas gonna do more art first but I feel like talking about this remixboot nonsense now

Okay so for those of you who weren’t here the last time I talked about the remixboot, which was last AU August, firstly here’s the tag

#Yugioh Remixboot

And now I’m gonna talk about this self-indulgent school play storyline, with the understanding that EVERYTHING about the Remixboot is self-indulgent and also that it’s got a lot more focus on High School Shenanigans because these are a bunch of dumb teenagers and engaging them in dumbass School Rumble comedy makes me laugh

The setup here is that basically, post Duelist Kingdom we’re settling into a couple of breather arcs; Rebecca and Arthur show up but it’s mostly because Arthur was visiting because he’d understood Grandpa Motou’s coma during Duelist Kingdom as a health emergency at first, Duke is introduced and however that goes down gets sorted (I haven’t fully decided, see).  Joey is shown getting into contact with his mother about Serenity’s surgery, which I think deserves its own moment to breathe.

and most important big difference, the Big 5 haven’t challenged Seto to any kind of game because instead they skedaddled the moment Pegasus lost to Yugi rather than find out if Seto was going to call on Gozaburo’s yakuza or mafia contacts

(Incidentally and perhaps also important to this time period: Yugi became a majority shareholder of I2′s stocks when he became King of Games, which he’s very flustered about at first until Grandpa points out he can hire someone to worry about that for him and also that now he can pay to renovate Kame Games.  Yugi starts treating Joey to lunch a lot more often.)

Anyway, the school play thing has to do with something about Tea that I feel could have come up if only canon had cared about this kind of stuff: She strikes me as the kind of person who is in WAY too many school clubs, and she especially strikes me as someone who’d be interested in drama club.  

So Tea’s drama club is getting ready to put on the play for the season, and it’s got basically the same plot as the in-universe game from the first VR arc; two kingdoms have to send sacrifices to appease an evil dragon and some plucky local heroes have decided to put an end to it.

And Tea goes “Hey I have an idea” (and her club members go “Oh no”)

cut to Tea sliding into the seat in front of Seto Kaiba, doing a Kilroy face over his mahou shojou manga very serious book, and asking if he’d consider helping with the special effects in this play the drama club’s putting on. 

Now remixboot!Seto is ALSO in way too many clubs so when he says no she basically enlists the chess club and half the soccer team into convincing him, but what gets Seto to finally agree to it is when she points out that the hoity-toity school always one-ups Domino’s plays because their drama club naturally has better funding and she’s tired of it; Seto used to GO to the hoity-toity school and he hates all of them and runs on spite so he can’t resist the idea after that.

I forgot originally it was going to specifically that Kaoruko was going to be ranting about the other school showing them up so I guess she’s in drama club too lol

And then obviously like half the core cast gets roped into either acting or stage crew and it’s all very silly, and at some point they find out Seto can not only act but sing and somehow he gets a major role even though Tea had promised he just had to manage the Solid Vision because he got swept up in the challenge of it all, and a fistfight breaks out over Adina’s role at one point

But after the first performance Seto goes missing somewhere between the last bow and cleanup.

The thing is, whoever it was the Big 5 hired to drug him and spirit him off in the dark and noise of the post play haze had assumed nobody would notice he was missing until it was too late; they had intel on how he interacted with peers like Sigfried or his old classmates at Kagemaru High school and so had an inkling that he’s inclined to fade into the background when he’s not outright contentious with people his own age.

They hadn’t counted on Yugi and Ryou and the others giving a damn about him anyway.  They definitely hadn’t counted on how seriously the drama club would take their special effects hero and one of their lead actors going missing.  And maybe for the same reasons Gozaburo underestimated him, they hadn’t expected Mokuba to be on their trail as damn fast as he is.

And that’s how the VR World storyline starts in the remixboot.

[allelitefics]

Powerful

Characters: Santana x Reader

Warnings: smut, definitely smut, a little angst.

Summary: Santana needs to step up with you before he loses you completely. This one is for @allelitexo​ who requested something to be written about Santana. Love those guys but Santana is def my favorite as well. 

...that was the only Santana gif i liked... lol 

You were the girl who had the personality that just attracted people towards you. Even when you tried to downplay it, so that you weren't bringing attention to yourself, it never made a difference. Being in a job where you are social all the time was something you knew you'd excel at, and as a wrestling fan being in charge of the social media department for All Elite Wrestling was a blessing.

One of your favorite things about working for AEW was that it really was like a family, since day one you could just feel it in the air. You had prior experience working for some other indie promotions, and it was definitely different when you stepped foot on your first day into AEW. There were also some people that you automatically clicked with and they were all pretty different, one of them being Santana ... you both immediately bonded over growing up in NYC - although he grew up in the Bronx and you grew up a less rough area, you often found yourselves talking about different spots you both went to growing up. Joey Janela was another one of your favorites, same thing growing up in the same general area, and you worked with Joey a lot on the indies. You loved the girls that they brought into the roster Britt Baker and Brandi quickly became ladies you looked up to, as well as the makeup team they might've been your favorites to hang around during your down time.

Dynamite was your favorite part about AEW because of everyone going out together afterwards. Of course some would opt out, but you loved the socializing, it was honestly super motivating and promoted your own mental health. Every Wednesday the crew would find a spot, whether it was a local bar or the hotel bar - and you were there with your whiskey sour or glass of wine depending on your mood.

Santana was in the corner of the bar with his tag partner of several years, Ortiz. He watched you, he always watched you and became more and more protective as time went on. You weren't dumb, you always felt his eyes on you, watching every movement you made. He had quickly become one of your best friends, at least thats how you felt. If you were ever lonely, he was the first one you texted. No matter what time, day or night, he was there. But on these nights you went out as a group you found yourself surrounded by Joey, Britt, sometimes Sammy and a few others and Santana would isolate himself.

An hour after being at the bar and him remaining in the same area you finally went over after a conversation with the group came to an end. "Hey!" you say with excitement, glass in hand from behind him running your hand down his bicep to get his attention. He turned around with a smirk, "Hey baby girl, whatchu up to?" "Why don't you come join the group? Come hang out with me." you say, trying your hardest to charm him. You really didn't have to try that hard because he wanted you, he really did. "I'll come over in a bit." he says. You feel yourself slump, because he says that every damn week and never does. You frown slightly, "Yeah..right." You turn to walk away and once there is no way for you to hear them Ortiz speaks up. "What the hell man!" he says hitting Santana's shoulder. "What?!" "Maaaaaan, for WEEKS! She's been hinting at you, what the hell." "I don't know man, I'd do literally anything for her. She's too good and I man...you know me I fuck up every relationship I'm in." Ortiz shook his head in disappointment. "You ain't even gonna give it a shot?? You're pushing her right into Janela's arms.. literally." he said nodding over to where you were with the group.

You dug the hot dirtbag kind of thing that Joey had, for some odd reason you did. So you didn't mind the flirtatious relationship the two of you had developed. But he wasn't what you wanted and it made you so bummed out that 30 minutes had passed and you didn't even see Santana in the bar anymore.

You whipped out your phone to text him. "Where did you go?" you sent to him. "Back to my room, sorry baby." You hated when he called you petnames, especially when he knew you were probably pissed. "What the fuck Santana." you sent back to him and then put your phone away, you didn't even want to see what kind of reply he would come up with. You were completely helpless when it came to him though, you were attracted to everything about him. That thug vibe was a huge turn on for you, and you found yourself constantly looking at his social media, especially the photos in the gym, you were smitten hard. At the same time as much as you wanted him you couldn't keep with the empty promises from him. Maybe this would've been that indicator that you two wouldn't make it as a couple.

When you got back to your room that night you slumped right onto the king sized bed in your room and finally pulled your phone back out, several unread texts from Santana. "Let's see tonights excuses" you say to yourself.

"I'm sorry, I was really tired" ..the first text. "You know that I love spending time with you" ... "Shit, are you really going to ignore me?" .. "Text me when you get back to the room?" .. "I'm sorry Y/N." "At least let me know that you made it back safely.." ..

That last one got to you, because if he hung out with you tonight then he would know you got back safely. Asshole. You roll your eyes, not wanting to send him anything back, but you couldn't help yourself.

"I'm fine and back in my room." you texted him. He immediately texted you back which made you smile a little, at least he's been waiting by his phone all night, maybe panicking a little. "Are you mad at me?" "What the fuck do you think?" .. you hated to be like that, but at this point thats often the language you two used with each other. "I know, can I come by your room?" You sat there and threw your head back because you were annoyed with yourself because you knew you were going to say okay. But if he came by tonight, something would need to happen because if it didn't, then this friendship/flirtatiousness had to end. "201" you responded. 5 minutes later and he was there at your door, white v-neck shirt, his adidas workout pants and he always had the best shoes for his outfits. Just in that simple outfit he looked so damn good. The mix of alcohol and loneliness had you wanting him more tonight than you had before. You opened the door then turned around. "You gonna be cold to me?" "I don't know Santana, I'm so over this shit." "What shit?" You were so annoyed he was playing the stupid card. "Oh my god, this...us....either put up or shut-up because this is ju-" you were quickly cut off from your rant with his lips pressing against yours and his arms wrapping around your waist pulling you closer into him. He broke apart after a few moments. "I'm done too, let's do this, forreal." "Really?" you ask with big eyes which makes him smirk down at you. "Yeah." "Ugh finally." you say and you pull him back towards you for your lips to press against each others one more time. Your back hits the mattress and you knew all the tension was going to be let go tonight. Your legs wrapped around him as he then kneels up to take his shirt off. He nods at you gesturing that if you don't do the same he'll rip your shirt off in a second. You sit up and do the same and then he continues to kiss you, your lips, down to your neck, when he gets to your hips, he pulls down the jeans you had been wearing, your panties soaked at this moment and he bit his lip when he looked back up at you. You were so nervous but so eager. "You want this right?" you double checks. "Yes!" you say rolling your eyes and that just fuels him with confidence. You knew Santana was an experienced guy and really had no doubts about his talents in bed, but damn it was better than you ever expected. The way his tongue moved against your most sensitive area, then pumping his fingers inside of you, you were completely his melting right into him. "Mmmmm, fuuuck" you moaned out when you were coming close to your climax. "Cum for me baby...cum for me now" he starts sweet and then growls and you feel yourself tighten around his fingers, his tongue flicking against your nub. When you came, it was that release you'd been craving and that was just with his tongue and fingers alone. You pulled him to kiss you, tasting yourself on his lips. You then look at each other and he searches your eyes, wanting them to tell him what to do next. "Fuck me" you let out. That damn smirk, it showed on his face once again, he did exactly what you told him. You moaned out loud when you felt him ease his length into you and you gripped onto his biceps. "You good baby?" You nodded as the breaths you took got more and more shallow. Time was nonexistent as he put you in all kinds of positions and then finally both of you climaxing at the same time.

He laid on his back his arms sprawled out and pulled you into him. "I'm sorry...fuck I've been an asshole." "Not an asshole, just an idiot." He laughs, "Yeah okay, an idiot. I don't want to hurt you, that's all I'm worried about." You look up at him now, resting your chin on his chest. "Stop doubting yourself, if you could just be the Santana I know, then we'll be fine." A genuine smile creeps upon his lips as his hand moves to the back of your head pulling you in for another sensual kiss.

[xxsakuragirlxx]

30 Questions

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you

are contractually obligated to know better.

I wanted to tag some christian bloggers but I'm to scared, so I'm just not gonna tag anybody. So who ever sees this and wants to do this from my blog, go right ahead lol

Thank you for tagging me @bubblegumnebulaa !

1. Name/Nickname: Nikia/ Nikki / Sakura / Saki (I call myself those last two names. For what reason? I still don't know.)

2. Gender: Female

3. Star sign: I'm not into star signs but I'll answer; Gemini

4. Height: I haven't properly checked my height for years, but I'm around 5'4 or 5'5 right now? (It's kinda sad that for a girl my age, I can't even tell my own height 😔 I would blame my family for not teaching me but it's mostly my fault for not teaching myself common sense.)

5. Time: 5:31 p.m.

6. Birthday: June 16th

7. Favorite bands: I don't really have a favorite band, I just listen to whatever music pleases me (mostly Korean or Christian music) but I will say that For KING and COUNTRY songs (they are a duo of Christian singers) slaps!

8. Favorite solo artists: Same answer as last question. I just listen to whatever music pleases me so I don't have a favorite artist. Actually, I can answer this question. It's just one artist however. His name is KB. He is a Christian Hip-hop artist. My man makes really good music.

9. Song stuck in my head: Song? Nah, it's multiple songs being stuck on repeat in my head at the same time and I can't even differentiate between any of them. But one I can say right now that I have stuck on repeat is the song "Angels We Have Heard On High" by For KING and COUNTRY.

10. Last movie I watched: I can't even remember lol

11. Last show I watched: Spongebob Squarepants ( I stay up really late at night so I keep seeing this show on repeat.)

12. When did I create this blog: According to my tumblr archive, I started this blog in May of 2016 but only became active from reblogging from others in December of the same year.

13. What do you post: Basically nothing. Sometimes something, but nothing 😂. If you were to take away all my reblogs from here, my blog would be BARE.

14. Last thing googled: "How to complete food delivery quest for Genshin Impact" (If you play the game, the food event was freaking annoying to finish...)

15. Other blogs: I don't have any other blogs on here. Just other social media accounts I don't use.

16. Do I get asks: Rarely

17. Why I chose my URL: I have no idea lol. I'm not really that creative so I just put one of my OC's name with the word girl and BOOM there you go! I've been created!

18. Following: 425

19. Followers: 138 (mostly porn blogs...)

20. Average hours of sleep: Maybe around 2 to 3 hours? I said before I don't really sleep at night. So I sleep during the day and afternoon.

21. Lucky number: 7

22. Instruments: I play piano as of right now. Use to play the flute back when I was in band. I don't play constantly because I'm... kinda sad? Idk, I just have no motivation anymore to do things I love anymore. I just sleep all day, stare at my phone, and become paranoid at every sound I hear. And with everybody talking about what's gonna happen on the 21st, I just gave up. I'm tired... (Didn't mean to rant)

23. What am I wearing: The question is, what am I NOT wearing? Ok jk jk. I'm wearing my old red band T-shirt with some shorts.

24. Dream job: Don't have one. I use to love acting and took a two year acting course at school. Use to act in plays and people said I did great for a shy girl. Wanted to go to Hollywood but realize I ain't about to do the horrid shit they do there and become one of those people who get "cancelled" for having a different opinion :) Other than that, I don't care about a job. Besides, I probably won't make it to the age of getting a proper career.

25. Deam trip(s): Japan, South Korea, Guyana, Hawaii (my school has a lady who use to travel a lot before becoming teacher, so she decided to plan trips for people to sign up for if she can afford it with some company. It can only be in the United States however. I was one of the lucky ones to sign up quickly this year, because she can only take a few people, and the trip for 2021 will be going to Hawaii. I was allowed to let my mother come because I don't have friends really so hopefully, June of 2021 will be the best trip my mother has ever taken.

26. Favorite foods: I have Guyanese blood in me. My whole family is from there, but decided to move to America. I'm tired of living in a state and county that has horrid food that is not healthy for us. Ok, I wouldn't say the country has bad food in general, but I live in Mississippi. The only thing I can afford is junk food because Walmart doesn't want to keep their fruits and vegetables fresh enough and my family can't afford to go to another Walmart here in the state just to make us eat healthy 😒. Ok back to my point lol. Whenever we get the chance, we eat a lot of Guyanese food or just Carribean foods in general. They taste better than America food. If my family didn't leave home, we would have access to a bunch of fruits and vegetables for FREE.

27. Nationality (with my ethnicity???): As stated before, I got Guyanese blood. My ethnicity you could say is African American, mixed with Indian and with some Portuguese( I don't freaking know honestly, I got to look more into nationality and ethnics) But I'm an American citizen because I was born during the time when my family came here. Soooooo, American? ( I'm telling you guys, me being the age I am, I got no right being this damn dumb 💀)

28. Favorite song: Like the other two questions dealing with music, whatever pleases me. But I'll just say the same thing as before "Angels We Have Heard on High" by For KING & COUNTRY.

29. Last book read: My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Volume 2

30. Top three fictional universes I would like to live in: JoJo's bizarre Adventures, My Hero Academia, and Keeper of the Lost Cities. (It's a book series lol, it's really nice.)

Wowzers, that took long. Again, thank you @bubblegumnebulaa for tagging me :)

[azoraahai]

hi hello, it’s your fav chaotic disaster here! since it is nearing the end of the decade/2019 here ( i know some of y’all are already enjoying the new year bc timezones lol ) but i just wanted to take the time and mention a few peeps that really kept me grounded this year. this is not a follow forever bc im lazy as fuck so pls enjoy this mess of me rambling lol!

even if you aren’t tagged, there are special mentions for each group im under so please read if you have the time! please note that each and every single one of you has made 2019 so much better cuz we all know it was hella rough so im very thankful for all of you!

this is hella long so everything will be under the cut :)

oc mutuals ⤵

my one and only :: @daisyjohvson my ride or die, my best friend, my beautiful sister, my other half. there are no words that could articulate how much you mean to me. you are my person and nothing could ever change that. i know we both have been busy this year, but im so glad we always do our best to chat no matter what time it is for us. you are my everything and i adore and love you so fucking much. i hope 2020 will finally be the year we meet after being friends for almost five years. i wish you the best of luck for the start of a new decade babe xx.

satanic bitches 2/3 :: @freakingbradleys @fleetwoodmcs god, it still blows my mind that my two idols talk to me on a daily. amanda, kayla, you guys have brought such a new perspective into my life and i cannot thank either of you enough for it. you guys are so encouraging, thoughtful, amazing, and supportive. i know i can tell you guys anything and you would be super honest with me and i cannot explain how much i appreciate that. thank you both for enduring the mess of 2019 with me.

my chaotic twin :: @emiliachrstine emilia, my love, it has been a pleasure talking with you via tumblr and snapchat facetime. you have brought so much laughter in my day while i was at college and i am 100% sincere when i say i needed those talks sO MUCH! you know some of the challenges i was facing so i just wanted to say thank you for being so fun to talk to and always listening to my endless ranting ( especially the cLASS SIX FELONY bit ). im so thankful we got closer this year and i love you so so so so soooo much bb!

the enabler buddy :: @moirei first of all, i cant believe how much we’ve been talking recently! i’ve always wanted to talk to you more and im highkey upset that it took me this long to reach out to you again, but anyways, as john mulaney would say, tHe PaSt Is ThE pAsT. thank you for letting me ask you sooooo many questions about sw, enabling me with all of these spur of the moment ideas, and for being such a wonderful friend! you are so kind, encouraging, and helpful! thank you so much for everything bb!

long lost sister :: @nellie--crain rachel, honey, you are a light in my life. anytime you message me, i already feel 100000x happier. you are like an older sister to me and i love you to the moon and back! i love all of your ocs and our xovers so much ( especially robeck bc otp ) and i hope we come up with more stuff in the near future! i hope 2020 graces you with so much happiness and joy, my love!!

some of my ride or dies :: @chlobenet @peterparcour @hopemikaelsvns @thetenthdoctorscompanion @drewtanner @princes-jasmine @aaudace @killinbills thank you all for being so amazing, talented, and wonderful! you all have played a significant part in my 2019 and i hope you all know that!! y’all are so awesome seriously xx

the rest of my oc mutuals :: thank you guys for sticking around as my hyperfixations constantly change once i find a new thing lol. i hope to chat with you all some more in 2020 and the years to come! please remember that each and every one of you is talented, creative, and beautiful! i wish you all the best of luck for this upcoming year and know that i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

giffing mutuals ⤵

the other half braincell :: @yelenabelovaa fleur, my darling, what an honor it is to be your wife! we got so close sO FAST and i cant imagine my life without you. you’re the jake to my tom, and if that doesn’t explain how chaotic we are then idk what does. thank you for being there right away when my dog died unexpectedly like i cannot tell you how much i appreciated you on the phone with me until someone irl was there to help me. thank you for always being so selfless, kind, and an incredible friend. i love you so much and let’s hope we get to meet in 2020!!!

goddess of parallels :: @andthwip the fact that you follow me is still absolutely mind blowing! also the fact that you tag me in your gifs is eVEN MORE mind blowing! i’ve admired your work for quite a while and let me just say, your ideas are unmatched!! you have such an eye for detail like no one can do what you do!! thank you so much for being a great mutual and i hope 2020 will be a wonderful start of the decade for you xx

the clown :: @robertpattisons okay dont hate me for putting the clown lol its just your icon and i had to im sorry lmao!! anyways, laiba, hi bb! you are such a talented gif maker and im so glad we became mutuals this year! thank you for being so nice, helpful, and a great friend!! i love you lots and have a great 2020!!!!

chaotic duo :: @colins-farrells sakshi, darling, idk if i ever mentioned this to you but you made me feel so comfortable with my blog. i looked up to you and your amazing chaotic posts and i just wanted to thank you for that! you truly are amazing and ily bunches xx i hope 2020 will be epic for you!!

some of my amazing giffing mutuals :: @lzzieolsn @luke-skywalker @ageofultron @brolinjosh @rosiebetzler @bitony you all are so fucking talented like seriously!!!! thank you all for following my trash can of a blog bc i have admired ALL of you from afar and im still in shock about it!! i hope 2020 blesses you all with happiness, success, and joy!!! i love and adore each and every one of you!!!

the rest of my giffing mutuals :: thank you all for being so fucking nice to me! i only began giffing regularly at the beginning of this year and i made SO many wonderful mutuals ( aka you guys ) because of it! you all have been so helpful and supportive of me and i am so fucking grateful for that!!! 2020 is a new year and the start of a new decade for us!! i wish all of you can enjoy this new beginning!!!

to all of my followers ⤵

hi hello! if you got this far down, congrats!!! i just wanted to say i fucking love you guys so damn much!! no matter what im doing, my current hyperfixation, the ENDLESS amount of shitposting, y’all willingly stick with me and i seriously can’t thank you enough! i know i say that so much, but it’s honestly 100% true! i’ve reached INCREDIBLE milestones because of all of you!! so seriously, thank you! 2020 is a fresh start so let’s make this year fucking amazing!!!

[ellebabywrites]

where i’ve been...

shdfb hi.. remember me... i’m back 😅 Oh god it’s been a good year since ive logged onto this blog (I mean other than a few random rants here and there lol) and even longer since I've opened any of my WIPs... so I feel like I owe y'all at least some kind of explanation..

2020 was hell. the world became some kind of movie and we didn't even get zombies :/ for me personally It was really hard to adapt to the new normal we’re in...

Work and Autism..

I went back to work in August and struggled to adjust straight away.. as y'all already know I was diagnosed with asd at the start of the year and I underestimated just how badly I would be affected by everything.. I read an article on ‘autism in lockdown’ and someone said that they felt things progress 3x more in 2020 than they would a normal year.. and I've felt that all too much as well.

since being at work again, especially in the christmas period, i've become more sensitive to my sensory triggers, sounds and temperature changes particularly. I’ve been ticking so much more, hitting myself and making weird noises whenever i'm sensorily overwhelmed (my boss calls it ‘cardi b trills’ 😂)

I've had to learn about my condition as I go and pretty much alone.. resources for late diagnosed adults are few and far between (thank god for the meme pages that helped me feel normal lol) I brought a tangle for work and a million plushies/blankets for home 😂 it’s been a hard adjustment but I am, in regards to my asd, starting to do a lot better..

Covid..

all this bullshit and still no zombies 😠 ridiculous... my country has been a mess with how they’re handling this pandemic. it’s embarrassing. people here don’t seem to care anymore and it’s been really disheartening to see every day.. i’ve let it get to me more than i wanted to 😅 like i’m sure a lot of people have, my mental health has been a wreck through this all, and being high risk yet still an ‘essential worker’ ( yes coffee do be essential :|) it’s taken a lot out of me... this time ( 3rd lockdown’s a charm??) i’ve been furloughed again so i’m able to shield at home which is a godsend for my finances, also helping give me time to take care of my ticks and understanding coping mechanisms… it is a bit sad though because i do miss being out and seeing other humans, but i guess it’s a safer option right now right…

Personally…

So if you saw my ‘elles d appointment updates’ tag then you know the story loooooooool we don't need to revisit THAT😅 long story short…. Boyfriend 🥰🙈 yup that's right girls gays and they’s, apparently throwing up on a dude is the way to go… we’ve been together since then and i feel like such a teenager omfg shoot me.. I love him 🤢he loves me🤢 now if this damn pandemic could be over so we could spend actual real time together before he leaves the country in 6 months that would be greaaat

Writing…

Despite not being active on here or updating any of my wips for a while, I have been writing a lot for my book!! It’s almost finished and I have a couple of publishers interested in seeing the final product so I'm super excited! It’s like a part of my soul is in the book and I can’t wait for it to be out in the world for people to enjoy themselves! With a lot of encouragement from my boyfriend, I've started planning out a second book too!! I feel like a real author omfg 😂

Fear not my beautiful lovelies, I’m coming back to my fic works here too!! I miss my stories and characters and finally feel ready to reopen those wips!! Taking more requests and staying consistent!

I’ve missed you all so much and hope you keep faith in me and my work!!

[apathycares]

Interlude

Chapter Summary: In this part, we breeze through the beginning and the end of Dio and Sandy's "tryst".

Warnings: Dio lol

Pairings: implied Dio x Sandy (OC), implied Jonathan x Sandy (OC)

[England, 1882, Joestar Mansion Ball]

Sandy Wilmarth jiggled the chain of tags on her wrist, wondering if she'd be able to dance with enough party-goers to fill them all up. Her tyrannical mother had finally relented and let her go with them, therefore she had to try her utmost to get as much dances as she could.

"You must not dance too often or too little, Miss Wilmarth." Her mother said as they exited the cloak room. "If you are unfortunate enough as to not get an invitation, inform me at once - I'll introduce you to some high caliber gentlemen."

Sandy strained her face to prevent herself from rolling her eyes. That was the only reason she wanted to fill up her cards, for her mother to shut up for once. High caliber men were hardly an interest to her.

"Also," her mother started when she received no response. "Mr. Joestar recently adopted a whelp off the streets, for charity I believe. He's a fair-haired boy, but he's still beneath us. His name is Dio Brando. I better not catch you entertaining him."

"But why?"

Mrs. Wilmarth walked off without a word, leaving Sandy in a huff of indignation. How was she supposed to ask for dances again? Having sailed through a couple books on ball etiquette the week leading up to tonight, she had yet to find how to invite someone to a dance.

'Should I wait for someone to approach me? What do I do till then?'

Her eyes traversed the room intently, noting her mother had dissolved into a gaggle of women already. Sandy began to walk aimlessly, in faux confidence, mulling on whether she should slip into the safety of the women off the dance floor like her mother had, or park herself near the refreshments. Was she allowed to drink anyways?

"Good evening Miss, shall I have the pleasure of dancing with you?”

Sandy turned around in a flurry of lace and tulle, unbelieving that the invitation was for her, only to find a gentleman assuming the perfect position according to her research - he stood at a proper distance, not too close yet not far enough to leave question to whom he was addressing. His body was bent gracefully, accompanied by a slight motion of the right hand towards her, but his eyes...they were respectful yes, but hardly good-natured.

His amber eyes were absolutely vicious, daring her to refuse.

Without dignifying him with a response, she placed a tag in his outstretched arm, a perfect picture of nonchalance. Sandy would not refuse him - she had a goal to meet - however, she would be damned if she let some boy run her over when he didn't even know her name.

While she was preoccupied ranting in her head, he had fished out a pen from his coat and scribbled down his name on the tag before handing it back to her to hold onto on her chain. The purpose of the chain of tags was to keep track of accepted invitations between sets. They had to wait for the current dance set to end. She expected him to leave her for now and ask any other attending ladies as well, but he merely stepped next to her and watched the dance.

"Is this your first dance?" Sandy asked, trying not to meet his eyes as the books recommended.

"What makes you say that?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. What a disagreeable man. "Most men wouldn't waste their time watching others dance, at least, according to my research."

"Oh? And what does your research claim?"

"You're supposed to either entertain your partner, or invite more ladies to dance." Sandy faced him this time, noting his arms behind his back and his face bent closer than what she anticipated, but she refused to cower and pull back. "You're green because you disregarded both practices."

"Well, however accurate that may be, you're wrong to assume that I'm like most men."

Just as Sandy started laughing at his gall, and his face fell at her audacity, another man had joined their little party. He assumed position immediately, ignoring her first partner's burning gaze as he stretched his arm out. "Hello, I'm Jonathan Joestar, will you favor me with your hand for this or the next dance?” Jonathan lowered himself a little more, awaiting her response.

Two invites before the set ended? Sandy was elated. But as she was fumbling with her tags, before she could say anything, her first partner walked off without a backwards glance.

"Hmph, you can have her, JoJo." Was his parting words.

Jonathan jumped to comfort her when he sees her confused expression. "Don't worry about him, Miss...?"

"Sandy..." she trailed off, watching where he disappeared to so she could follow him. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Jonathan, but I accepted that gentleman first. Maybe, the next dance?"

"Y-yes, of course Sandy."

She smiled graciously, pulling out one of her tags for him to write his name. Jonathan pats around his pockets and coats for a moment, before pulling out a pen and sighing in relief. Sandy giggled a little as he wrote his name in a fluster. Replacing it back on her wrist, she curtsied. "I'll find you when I'm done."

"All right..."

With that, Sandy dives between the attendees, rushing to the hallway the man disappeared into. The orchestra were drawing to the end of their song, so if she wanted his dance, she needed to get him quickly.

A panicked running later, she finds him in a secluded study room, looking through the selection of books on the shelves. He turned towards her as she huffed, an irritated look marring his face.

"The next set is about to begin." She said.

He raised his eyebrow. "So?"

Sandy pulled herself together and sailed gracefully towards him, her cordial expression dropped into the hard look her mother would fuss about, and by the flicker in his amber eyes, the affect was still there. "So, does your invitation still stand?"

"You can dance with JoJo, don't bother with me."

"Oh, I will." She held back a scoff when his eyes practically thunder for a moment in indignation. "But you asked me first, and I accepted. Will you humble me with a dance -" She pulls up her wrist and searches for his tag. "...Dio Brando?"

Dio smirked, approaching her languidly after slipping his book back in its place. "You seem to be overly interested in me, girl. I'm beginning to question your intentions..."

Now, she scoffed. "It doesn't concern me if you do, but if it matters, it's my first ball and I would like to dance as much as I can."

"Hmm." His smirk widened.

They could hear the customary applause for the orchestra, indicating the end of the set, and this further prompted her to lift her skirts, ready to leave at a moment's notice. Dio made no sign of moving, so Sandy did what her manners allowed her to do. She curtsied and left him be. To her surprise, she felt a hand on hers, and turned to see him watching her hawkishly.

"Perhaps one dance won't hurt." He admonished, his lip twitching when she intertwined their fingers coolly. "You seem to be pretty stubborn, woman."

"My name is Sandy." She shot him a look clearly warning him to quit calling her anything but. "We better hurry, Mr. Brando."

With that, she tugged him out of the room and then down the hall, but as they slipped into the people, he spun her around dramatically and guided them into position, expertly avoiding clashing into the other couples. He smirked boyishly when she blinked.

The orchestra broke into song once again, and the ballroom thralled into life. Couples swayed around them in a blur of skirts and coattails under the shimmering lights, forcing each other into one position after another, while Dio somehow managed to hold their space and pull her away before someone caught her skirt under their shoe. He was an extremely good dancer, she concluded.

"You're competent enough." He said.

"Am I now? It seems like you're doing most of the work."

Dio chuckled, spinning her like it was a reward for her admission. "I meant as a follower. It takes two to dance, one should be willing to follow for it to work well, don't you think?"

"Appears so."

"Would you say you're a follower, Sandy?"

"Not entirely."

"Do you not wish to converse with me during this dance?"

Sandy finally raised her head, meeting his eyes. "You didn't give me a chance to respond properly yet."

"You sounded like you were done speaking though." Dio pointed out, searching her eyes in the meantime as she seemingly struggled to find her words. "Your eyes are entrancing. What is this colour called? Green with a burst of brown and gold?"

"It's hazel, did you see what I did there?" Sandy grinned when he raised a brow. "It's a psychological trick. You keep quiet for a bit and the other person'll scramble to fill the silence. The interesting point about it is that it's usually honest thoughts."

Dio's jaw slackened a little.

"Neat huh? I read that somewhere and thought I'd try it on you." She giggled as his eyes narrowed and his steps sharpened. "Tell me, Mr. Brando, would you consider me a follower?"

"Hmph, you're bloody stubborn." Dio pulled her closer, riding the fine line between appropriate and blasphemous teasingly. "In this dance, you're a follower. I wouldn't say your inherent nature is though."

"That means we won't get along at all. What a shame."

"....what makes you say that?"

She was very nearly relaxed in his arms. "You're the type to always take initiative, aren't you? You're a leader by nature too." Dio perked up at this. "Although, I don't agree with your position. I can understand it, but I can't agree."

"Why not, my dear?"

"You need to be able to let go to live a peaceful life."

Something stirred a little in his chest at her words. For the first time that night, Dio looked at her. Her face was bare of any unnecessary expression, a picture of perfect mystery, her entire air left him both comfortable and on edge - how that was possible, added more to her enigma.

"I'll save you for now," Sandy smiled when his expression became defensive. "I just realized something - are you the one who moved in with the Joestars?"

Dio's eyes flared at the name, his last fight with Jonathan still fresh in his mind. "What of it?"

Sandy lifted the hand resting on his shoulder blade and patted him a little. "It was a curious question, I didn't mean anything by it."

The remainder of the dance was spent in silence. Sandy wasn't sure if Dio was pouting, or had gotten bored of her, but she tried not to let it bother her. The night was still young, and she had a goal to accomplish. Her mother was watching her across the room too, and from her glowering, she wasn't going to hear the end of her 'indiscretions' later. Might as well milk this evening for everything it was worth then.

The song came to an end, and Sandy parted with him for a moment to clap for the orchestra. Despite how it concluded, it was fun.

"Are you engaged with anyone after JoJo?" Dio broke their mutual silence, grudgingly joining the applause as well. She looked up at him, but he made it a point to stare at the couple in front of them instead.

"No, I'm not."

"Perfect."

Dio caught her wrist and lifted up to eye level, startling her out of her carefully crafted mask, before he leafed through her tags and scribbled his name on the one after Jonathan with his pen. Before she could say anything, he bowed graciously and kissed her knuckles.

"I must repay you for this by finding you in return. I'll see you after your dance with JoJo. Try not to get too tired by then?"

Sandy curtsied with a gracious nod, before pulling away, leaving him to sink into the crowd.

That night, after her dance with Jonathan Joestar, he did make good on his promise and whisked her away right after the applause. Something worth noting however was that following another interesting conversation and being a follower once again, she danced with Dio Brando five more times. When one set ended, he would write his name again and ask if she was tired as the couples around them clapped. She'd say she wasn't and he'd smirk smugly and start up another topic regardless of whether the dance started or not. Their time together traversed from peculiar, to hilarious, and then downright addictive. If it weren't for her mother stepping in and saying they ought to leave at once, they probably would've continued to dance all night.

100 years later, knowing what he knew now, Dio would like to think that if he had one more dance, one more soulful conversation, she would've fallen in love with him too. Maybe, with a bit more coaxing and time, she wouldn't have rejected him. He abandoned his humanity and pursued his hunger to rule. First, he wanted to rule Jonathan, then came his kin, then, when his stand ability awakened, he wanted to touch Heaven. On and on he continued to find something he could take for himself. His life could've ended peacefully, but his drive to be a leader was his downfall.

Fifty or so years before that, knowing what she knew now, Sandy would've gone about her life differently. She probably wouldn't have died as she held her granddaughter between her arms, waiting for her to fall asleep on her and husband's bed. The thought of him coming home and raping her as usual, screaming about her dropping so low as to hide behind Sunny when the young girl only sought her out because she couldn't sleep, pushed her past her emotional limits. Knowing that her children and grandchild would never know why she died suddenly and continued to love that man as their patriarch was what mattered. He'd always been a good father anyways. Her life could've ended peacefully, but her stubbornness was her downfall.

Hi, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think.This is a (multi!)OC x (multi!)JoJo characters story that follows the lives of the Joestars and their near miss soulmates, whom all belong to one lineage. I’ve decided to post the recent chapter here, but you can find the rest on AO3.

Summary: "You fall in love with them quickly, almost magically." Joseph says, grimacing as he pulls out a yellowing postcard from his pocket. Jotaro watches him unfold it gently, as if it would fall apart, and he stops himself from saying it was long on its way to - with all the creases it had. The older man's eyes sullen, as he reads the beautiful message half written in Italian for the nth time.

"What the hell are you talking about jiji?"

"It's not called a curse because you fall in love with them." Joseph raises the postcard to his grandson's eyes, whom is so struck with shock, snatches it aggressively. The image behind the words is of a girl nearly identical to his crush.

"It's called a curse because they always break your heart."

Stay tuned~

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[commander-hanji-zoe]

Do you have any advice for a new blog?

🌸 Oh this is such an interesting ask, I’ve been thinking about it for a few days now, sorry it’s taken a while to get back to you but I was thinking how best to answer it! While this blog has only been around for 3 years and I’ve only really started posting in it recently, I have had my main tumblr blog for 10 years and several side blogs with quite a few followers so I’m hoping I can provide some insight! I do apologise as this turned into a bit of a ramble that I feel is about tumblr but beings to overlap into life advice lol - I blame my age. 🌸

1.) I would say firstly, enjoy it. I feel sometimes there’s a lot of pressure to get loads of followers, create new content etc. and you can forget why you’re here. I got tumblr to reblog photos of things that made me happy from bands to tattoos, movie stuff, art etc and occasionally I would forget that and end up getting bogged down in comparing stats and myself to others. So yeah, enjoy it and remember why you joined ^_^

2.) If you love work that others create (writing/art/gif sets etc.) show your appreciation not just with likes but with comments and reblogging where you can/feel comfortable doing so. Likes are great and always appreciated but comments help to inspire and reblogging means more people will see their work. It encourages content creators to continue creating, it’s also a really good way of gaining followers and make friends. If you support others they will likely support you in return. 

3.) Share the art/fan art/cosplay photos you love as per above - but don’t repost work. This was something I wasn’t really aware of when I first joined tumblr, a lot of people would just save photos from google or deviant art (it was a very different place back then) and post them on tumblr to show appreciation. But often there would be no artist detail or link to the artist, instead if you find something you like reblog it from the creator. If it isn’t on tumblr and you’d really like to post it here, contact the creator and ask their permission to post - then include a link in the post and explain you have the artist’s permission. 

4.) Talk to people :) - Okay like Alice in Wonderland here’s some advice I could really use sometimes! Through tumblr I have met some of the most amazing friends. When I first started out I started chatting to a girl who went to the same Uni as me, we met up to go for coffee, browse record shops and saw The Vaccines together. I’ve also met numerous people who encouraged me to go to Hobbit Con in Germany - I had the most amazing time, remained friends, one of them came to my wedding. I guess the message here is that internet friends are great and you never know what a friendship can blossom into. If there’s someone whose work you admire or blog you love, don’t be afraid to reach out and send a message, even if you feel a bit silly (I often do!). 

5.) Tags - My take on tags is pretty simple, tag correctly. I often tag things quite heavily but I make sure that I only tag characters that feature in a post or fandoms that feature in that post etc. You often come across posts where every character in the show has been tagged, I get why people do it, it means the post will come up in more results but it is rather infuriating when you’re looking for something specific. It also looks messy and can make things hard to find on your own blog. So yeah tag the show/film/book etc, tag the relevant characters, add whatever tags you want regarding your feelings/emotions about the post or thoughts on it. But ideally keep it relevant. On that note, tag ships (people often blacklist ships they dislike or that they find problematic) so doing this helps everyone. Anything that’s only really suitable for people 18+ tag however you see fit (due to Tumblr’s changes last year we had to revert to tagging things on the citrus scale again so I tag anything like that as lemon as well as nsft) Finally Trigger/content warnings - I do use them, some people put warnings on everything, some people don’t do at all. Again like with shipping it is helpful for people who have  

6.) Remember to take breaks - tumblr can be a little addictive and easy to pass time (like social media) so remember to take breaks, when you get back they’ll be loads of new stuff on your dashboard to look at ^_^

7.) Follow loads of blogs! I probably should have put this higher up. But have a think about the kind of content you want to see and spend some time searching for blogs that fit that, I also find it’s nice to follow some more aesthetic blogs or blogs that are calming/relaxing, seeing things like that on my dash is always a reminder to have a breather!

8.) Enjoy playing around with themes - decide what you want your blog to be about (and remember there’s nothing wrong with having a main blog that’s a little bit of everything you love as well as personal stuff!) and then have fun with the settings. There’s a lot of free tumblr themes, some of which are pretty neat and user friendly in terms of customisation. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you’re stuck. 

9.) Side blogs are also really great. I begun to create side blogs because I didn’t want to spam my main blog with Game of Thrones, The Hobbit, Red Dead Redemption 2 or Attack on Titan, so I created side blogs. I still post about all these things on main but not as frequently. A side blog can also be good if you want to create a blog you can share with employers - I have a side blog for my photography and one for my writing. Sideblogs are also a good way of keeping certain material away from the blog where people in real life are most likely to find you. Generally I won’t post 18+ material on my main blog, so smutty fan fiction etc. goes on the side blogs. As a side note, when you have a side blog you cannot like posts or ask questions as that side blog - it will be from your main blog. 

10.) Try not to get disheartened if you create original content and it doesn’t get a lot of attention at first. When you create a blog it can take time to gain followers/traction. But remember as per point 1, that Tumblr should be fun and creating content should first and fore mostly be for you and your enjoyement. But if you continue to create, tag appropriately but also show appreciation for fellow creators there’s no reason why in time you won’t flourish. And as per point 3, if you reblog others work there’s a chance they in return will reblog your art. 

11.) There’s extension kits you can get for tumblr, I know some people use them and find them helpful. I’m not sure they’re as poplar/needed now as they used to be. I used to use one but don’t feel the need now, however might be worth a google or asking someone more knowledgeable to see if it’ll work for you.

12.) You can blacklist tags through settings, if there’s any ships, characters, things you’d rather not see on your dash or that you find upsetting or triggering I’d recommend blacklisting them. If people tag correctly you shouldn’t much/if any of it. 

13.) Under blog settings you can also choose whether you want your blog to be searchable via the email address you registered with and on google. I switched this off pretty much as soon as it became a feature! My blogs, even my main blog are a piece of me which is only shared with a select few people in real life. I really do not need my colleagues, employers, certain family/friends finding this! 

14.) Use Queues! I adore a queue.... Once I discovered they were a thing I try to have around 100 posts in my queue on main at any time. You can amend how many times you post a day (mine is around 8-12 times, I change it when i go away). It just means your blog remains active even if you can’t really log on for a week or two or if you’re on holiday. Occasionally I’ll add original posts into my queue with writing, it can be nice to come back and see the feedback. A lot of people put ‘queue’ in the tag, but you’ll realise most people have a quirky tag. For example on main mine is - one does not simply queue their way through tumblr. And on my red dead blog it’s - I had a god damn queue! Sadly on here I haven’t got one yet! 

15.) Finally I would say engage in discourse as little as possible. It can be tempting and while drama can be fun for a while, even just to watch from the outside it can quickly escalate into something nasty and toxic. At first you might want to join in but tumblr can be, well it can be a lot at times and very noisy with everyone screaming their opinions and trying to be louder than the person before. I would say no fandom is inherently toxic, but it happens. A fandom I was heavily involved in last year had so much discourse and there was so much drama that even though I wasn’t involved in it my anxiety was through the roof, I had a panic attack over it and felt paranoid. After speaking to other older members in the fandom I felt much better (they too were annoyed with what was happening) and we realised that essentially a lot of it boiled down to a real lack of critical thinking. I’m not saying don’t get involved at all, sometimes I have seen things where I’ve felt things need to be said/action taken especially when it comes to intolerance and hatred. But I would say when you do engage - pick your battles. (I hope this last one makes sense). I started writing a lot more and going into the politics of it and ranting about bigots and then thought that’s probably enough! 😁

I hope this post helps! Like I said I’ve never been asked something like this so it took a bit of thinking but these are some of the key thoughts I had. 

edit - I meant to add that obviously the above is just my opinion and based on my experiences on tumblr/thoughts about things.