#damn remember when tumblr allowed you to share anything..

[gae-bolg-alternative-dot-exe]

falling halfway into tentacle pit isn't ever my first pixiv search choice but this artwork genuinely hits different

[funkin-news]

funkin blog update!!: THANK YOU ERIC

lots of good stuff in this one :) i highly recommend reading the original blog post itself, there's so much juice that tumblr won't let me put all the juice in one post

but for the sake of tradition, summary ⬇️

so. been a while yeah

they've been working on a lot of stuff that's secret/under NDA/for a different update so they couldn't share any of that on the blog

while they've had instances of people having little things they could and wanted to talk about, they couldn't just put out a post that's like one paragraph and leave it at that lol

so, eric is now going to show us some stuff! yay!!

remember this?

well, eric's been working on rebuilding the chart editor from the ground up!

he's also been pulled aside occasionally to work on other stuff (redo input system, get cutscenes working, redo scoring, work on thing that was blacked out because NDA but when i clicked it i got this video, fix issues with gamepad)

ok now put this song on while you continue reading ⬇️

and now... the chart editor is COOLER!

now featuring:

chart isn't divided into sections to scroll through anymore, just one long scroll

opponent is always on the left and player is always on the right, no weird flips

waveforms under the character icons! you can see those!

icons can be clicked to change the character

measure ticks on the left (that thing that looks like a ruler!)

note preview on the further left

video-player-like controls at the bottom for the song

oh, and it's now powered by HaxeUI instead of Flixel UI, which allows for these toolbox windows:

and neat tools like this, which lets you set offsets for each of the tracks:

this new chart editor's toolbar has all kinds of neat stuff, like these!

for the third pic: "The Window menu. No the screenshot isn't cutting anything off you're imagining things." 🤨

there's more but at this point you might just wanna go read the original post

FNFC files - new standard for making charts! contains the chart data, including the audio files!

LOTS of new keyboard shortcuts for the editor too!

also a live input mode, where you can place notes at wherever the playhead currently is by pressing WASD/⬆️⬇️⬅️➡️

what that means is you can tap out some notes as the song plays and then proofread them after!

this is the part where i'd put another video because there's another one, but tumblr only lets me put one, so... go read the original post i guess

SONG EVENTS FEATURE! you see that ninth strumline on the right? anything put there doesn't show up as notes for either player, but instead runs a chunk of code at the given time

right now the only built-in events are camera control and getting a character or stage prop to play an animation, but modders are probably gonna have a field day

another video! i already forgot i can't add more than 1. damn you tumblr.

also, it, like, never crashes!

except for when it does!

[hotpinkboots]

Omg wait. Can I get Valentine’s Day thingy with 049? If someone already requested that, then 035! -💗

~~~~~~~~~~

~𝕾𝕮𝕻 049 x Reader: Valentine's Day~

~~~~~~~~~~

Just decided to do 049 since the Valentine's Special thingies already take a while to write!

Note: The black text isn't working for me, still....It doesn't do anything when I try to make the text black, so DAMN. It has to be red for, like, BLOOD OR SOMETHING DARLINGS 😩 When Tumblr fixes the black text thingy I'll edit it so that it's black and matches the characters.

Remember, the Valentine's Special includes:

~Enjoy~

★★★★

𝕾𝕮𝕻 049

★★★★

~~~~~

~⭐How do they spend Valentine's Day with their darling?⭐~

🖤🖤🖤

~He can't do much, but he will try. Demands they bring you to him for a few hours, at least.

~A lot of physical touching if you're somehow immune or if you're wearing SCP 714. Hugs, kisses on the hand, pressing his forehead against yours, ect. Anytime he can touch you, he touches you a lot- 049 is addicted to feeling something alive, breathing- something with a pulse. You're the only living thing he can touch without falling dead at his feet.

~Demands somebody to bring some sort of dessert for the two of you to share, and will perhaps read a romance novel or something with you.

~He low-key thinks SCP 714 is basically your wedding ring. It's the thing that stops his touch from killing you, and you're wearing it for him- you're married to him don't deny it >:C

~If you do deny it? oh well y'know that's for another time *looks at yandere 049*

~Spending quality time with you is all he wants to do.

~~~~~

~⭐What gifts do they get for you?⭐~

🖤🖤🖤

~While he unfortunately can't buy anything for you, he'll get all fancy and poetic for you.

~Prepare for a ton of love letters and romantic poems about how gorgeous you are.

~~~~~

~⭐Mini Love Letter!⭐~

🖤🖤🖤

On a nicely folded white sheet of paper (he would've used something more...fancy if he were allowed), written in gorgeous cursive with a black pen...

"Darling,

You are the only thing that brings me genuine joy. While I am shunned into the darkness of this world of blood and gray walls, you make it liveable.

Though I am unsure of why you love me, I know your love is true. You are all I crave and desire. My angel, my light. My love. You are pure, and perfect. I love you.

~Your Doctor"

(Let us say you call him "My dear Doctor". He loves the respect, the fact you speak to him as though he were a fellow scientist.)

~~~~~

~⭐ Moodboard Time!⭐~

🖤🖤🖤

~~~~~~~~~~

⭐REBLOGS⭐>💀LIKES💀

~~~~~~~~~~

Rules/Masterlist (Scroll Down For The Masterlist)!

~~~~~~~~~~

Discord Server! Here you can roleplay with and as your favorite characters, get updates on my fanfiction, and get sneak peaks for my upcoming videogames!:

~~~~~~~~~~

~Love, PinkBoots

[cashandprizes]

This Wretched Heart

Hello friends. Remember how I said I wrote prissy smut checks notes over a year ago for @autisticempathydaemon's birthday? They literally reminded me today that you know, that WIP still exists in my barren drive folder.

Honestly, I wanted to rewrite this when I came up with the headcanon that Christian lost one of his legs during Inversion, but I had already written this and the spark was gone (and I was about to spend two months being cyberstalked and getting a peace order) soooo... it kind of rotted. And then Erik went and gave more Alexis information (like that blasted last name), and really I just forgot about it.

But - we will unearth it tonight. Enjoy four thousand words of some antiquated Alexis/Christian fucking nasty after some kind of charity auction or something.

Credit to @/cafekitsune for the banner

CW: NOT SAFE FOR TUMBLR/MINORS; all of this is built on Lexi's Prissy fics which you can and should be reading on their blog, yes they're mates; light jealousy (in a tasteful, sexy way); body worship; Christian has a tongue piercing thank you @mr-laveau for that one; cunnilingus; Lexi and I take prissy eye contact seriously; overstimulation; squirting; implied d/s dynamics but they're both switches; breeding kink; implied knotting

"Sometimes I can't believe I'm the only one who gets to see you like this," Christian whispers, bending over and brushing his mouth across his girl's knuckles. Alexis shivers under his attention and it goes straight to his head. The infamous Solaire princess, the ice queen, melting from his affections is a heady thing, and Christian plans to be drunk on it by the end of the night.

"You're so beautiful like this." Her pale skin is flushed rosy, her breath is quick little inhale-exhales, her fangs are digging into a full lower lip, and Christian is so terribly starved for her it almost hurts. He drops to his knees from where he'd pressed her against the door and kissed her senseless, and leans in to press a delicate kiss to the silk covering her knee.

Alexis is still dressed to kill, looking effortlessly elegant in six-inch heels and a floor-length sheath dress in the shade of midnight. Formal events have never been her favorite but she would never tarnish the illustrious reputation of the Solaire Clan by looking anything other than her best. Sixty-plus years of polite society have sharpened her manners for boring charity auctions like the one she'd attended tonight with Christian trailing behind her, far out of his element.

He still feels out of his element but in a different sort of way, staring up at the ethereal picture his girlfriend, his mate, makes in their shared space. Her dark, inky hair falls down her back, released from an extravagant style under the wrath of his hands pulling her even closer. Christian longs to wrap his fingers through her hair again, weaving long stands between his finger to pull her in for another heated kiss, but settles himself knowing that he has the rest of the night. 

The night is theirs, now, no longer occupied with useless niceties and whispers, always whispers. Christian is never sure if some vampires are extraordinarily petty or just stupid for turning to each other and prattling on in front of two beings with superhuman senses. Alexis never reacts, the poise of a born socialite schooling her delicate features - but the comments make Christian heat until his skin flushes with anger. First, it had been the jabs and quips about her cold and cruel nature, but now it seems everyone has something to say about her smile and beauty. Christian has always known she was beautiful from the moment he saw her staring blankly at a wall. But now everyone is noticing, commenting on the height of her cheekbones or her unmarred decolletage.

But now, they’re alone and his jealousy turns from churning rage to molten lust. Her eyes meet his and he allows a moment to just drink her in. Alexis Solaire is a damned vision in a floor-length midnight black gown, her pale skin on display from the plunging v-neck and a high slit up to her left hip. Her hands dangle by her sides, long fingers decorated in gold rings that she mindlessly twists ending in glossy nails the color of blood. Christian drags in a heavy breath and swallows as his large, calloused palms part the split in fabric to glide up her bare calf. He cups the back of her knee and gently tugs until he can brush his lips across her shin. Her next exhale is audible, her crimson lips parted as her eyes follow the sensual path his fingers make down her ankle to grasp the back of her foot and tug off the black stiletto. He tosses it over his shoulder with a smirk and bends down to press a kiss to the smooth, unblemished skin of her ankle. 

"Don't just go throwing those around, I like them," she chastises, her admonishing words disrupted by the fondness in her tone. Christian only smirks, meeting her eyes as he presses another kiss to her knee. He drags his thumbs across the bottoms of her foot, digging into the arch as she lets out a surprised moan. Her pleasure is palpable; he knew she wasn't comfortable wearing those death traps; her eyes slide shut and she relaxes against the door with each second of his impromptu massage.

Content with his work, he sets her foot on the ground and pushes her dress aside to reach for the other, sliding off her shoe and massaging away the soreness. His girl, his mate, slides a manicured hand into his hair and drags glossy nails across his scalp and behind his ears in gratitude. He sets down her other foot and can't help the love drunk smile on his face as he remembers just how lucky he is to be the one worshiping ice princess Alexis Solaire tonight.

"Nobody could keep their eyes off you tonight," Christian whispers, jealous and possessive as he trails kisses starting at her knee up her exposed thigh. "And all I could think is that they didn't have a clue. As if you haven't been beautiful this entire time, and only now they bother to notice." His voice grows deeper and Alexis meets the hungry look in his eyes with her own. He drags his nose across her heated skin and nips the inside of her thigh just because he can. "It's alright," he says conversationally, spreading his knees and bracing one hand against the wall behind her body while the other gently gathers the skirt of her dress in his fist.

"I got to you first, petal. They can look, but I'm the only one touching you tonight." And with that, he presses a wet kiss to the center of her delicate lace panties and grins while Alexis trembles.

Every kiss against her skin is like sweet damnation, molten lava burning her into oblivion. Christian is patient in a way he so rarely gets, determined to spend all the time in the world worshiping every inch of her body until he's quite satisfied. Despite being completely naked and spread out on their bed, Christian covers her body in breathy, open-mouthed pressed of his lips and tongue everywhere except where she needs him most. It's almost torturous, the way he says "not yet, petal" and "let me show you how much I need you" while she continues to soak the sheets beneath them.

"Cher, please," she whines, arching as he mouths and nips at her rib cage. 

"Please what, petal?" Christian is most definitely smirking into her skin, but she's too desperate to be upset with him.

"Quit teasing me," Alexis huffs, fisting a hand in his hair and tugging until her eyes meet his. "I've been wound up since you cornered me in the car, and I haven't forgotten your little stunt with the foot massage. Get your ass up here and do something about it."

Christian laughs, low and gruff into her skin and she can't stop herself from smiling back at him like the lovesick fool she is. "I'm pretty sure I'm doing something about it. Maybe you need to be more specific about what you want?" His voice and his eyes are dark, full of lust and want and desire as his hands glide up her thighs and part her legs. "Do you want me… here?" His thumbs ghost across the apex of her thighs and she moans. "Do you want my fingers, petal? Or do you want my mouth?"

"I think I've more than earned both, don't you think," Alexis sasses, guiding his head lower until his heavy breaths hover over her pubic bone.

"Mmmm, yes ma'am," Christian replies, pulling away just to slide off the bed and onto his knees. Before Alexis can complain, he grabs onto her hips and tugs her to the edge of the mattress, staring at where she's slick and leaking for him. He fits himself between her thighs and starts a slow grind of his cock slowly against the bedframe.

Alexis Solaire is glad for the suppression of her Sonal core when she cries out as Christian leans in and licks across her folds; because no one else should hear her shameful, wanton noises and she’d like to keep her boyfriend in top condition. He moans in response, wrapping his arms around her thighs and pulling her closer until his face is entirely buried in her pussy. "Fuck, you always taste so fucking good," Christian groans, dipping his tongue inside and guzzling her like a man starved. She can only bury her hands in his hair and hold on tight as he tucks into her with a feral, voracious appetite that sends her reeling.

The brush of his piercing rubbing against the hood of her clit has her whining and when he sucks her into his mouth and hums she whimpers. Time has given them plenty of opportunities to learn each other's bodies and Christian has always been a dedicated student in the subject of one Alexis Solaire. He knows just when to add a finger and how to crook them to make her arch up into his waiting mouth. He knows that she scratches down his back when he spreads her on his fingers and works his tongue inside her. Christian knows that when she starts getting loud and then gets quiet, to suck her clit and pump his fingers hard to make her come so hard her eyes roll back. And he knows that the only time she enjoys overstimulation is when his head is between her legs throwing her over the edge.

"God, don't stop," Alexis pleads, rocking her hips in shallow motions to ride his face. Christian heaves a deep breath through his mouth and wraps his tongue around her clit, using the small metal piercing to rub the underside just the way she likes until she's squirming. He slides two fingers through her folds, gentle enough to tease, and pushes them in fast with a wet squish that makes him growl. She's so wet, dripping on his fingers and her face, and the knowledge that it's just for him makes him burn. It makes his cock throb hard where it’s leaking against the box spring unattended. He works his fingers with practice, hard thrusts with his fingers curled until she- "Christian, Christian, I'm so close."

"Come on my face, petal," he growls, looking up from his divine feast on her flesh and watching her eyes struggle to stay open. "Show me how good your mate makes you feel." Alexis gasps for air, nails biting into his scalp before she goes silent but her body sings. Her eyes roll back and she clenches in hard, arrhythmic movements around his fingers. It isn't the first time he's made her come like this and it won't be the last, but Christian drinks up her pleasure like a starving concubi, feeling his cock pulse and leak without stimulation. Her pale skin is flushed red and her breath catches in her chest and she looks so divine he is almost blinded. Watching his stoic silver princess fall apart in the safety he provides fills his wretched heart with an emotion stronger than words like love, affection, or adoration could ever evoke.

“You’re the most brilliant star I’ve ever seen, much less been able to touch,” Christian praises, peppering chaste kisses across her hip bone. Alexis makes a noise somewhere between incredulous and amused but softened by the wake of her orgasm. “Every time I look at you, I can’t believe I’m the only one who gets to see you like this.” He scrapes his teeth across her skin, light nips that make the woman beneath him sigh. “That you would trust me with your body,” a kiss to her inner thigh, “with your pleasure,” another kiss at the apex of her thighs, “with your heart.” She whines and throws an arm over her eyes, squirming from the fingers still inside her and the devotion of the man before her.

“Don’t hide from me petal,” Christian demands, sucking a messy, biting kiss into the tender skin of her inner thigh. “Give me all of you. I want everything.” Alexis lifts her arms and peeks at him with wide eyes, blown-out pupils with only a thin ring of silver visible. “That’s it, petal. Watch me devour you just like this.” And he does, rewarding her hazy eye contact with a purposeful, wet slurp around her fingers.

“Christian,” she moans with fluttering eyelids, blood-red nails dragging down his neck and leaving thin red scratches in their wake. He’s growling before he can stop himself, starting deep in his chest and spilling past his lips in a way that only makes her moan again. Listening to her lose herself in the feelings of his mouth goes straight to his head, inflating his ego even further. He can’t help crushing his cock between his stomach and the box spring, humping his hips hard just for some relief. The sensation of Alexis’s ecstasy fills his head with white noise, blocking out conscious thought until he’s all instinct.

He can feel her thighs closing in around his head, squeezing his skull tight and stealing the air from his lungs. Christian gasps hard and loud through his mouth and grabs a fistful of her ass in either hand before diving back down until his tongue is buried inside her. He uses his grip to help her rock against his mouth, spearing herself on his tongue again and again.

“God, Cher-” a whimper with a full-body shudder steals the words and breath from Alexis’s lips, but Christian has spent long enough studying her to know exactly what she wasn’t able to say with his tongue roughly lapping up every drop of nectar with a need that borders on feral. Don’t stop is what she means, I need you is what she would have moaned. He looks up from his feast to meet her eyes with a deliberate and slow slide of his tongue through her folds up to the hood of her clit.

“I love you,” Christian says the words she couldn’t in a gentle breath, feeling her reciprocation in the way her hand smooths up his neck and nails scratch behind his ears. “I love you more than anything, Alexis Solaire.” He releases one hand from her ass and brings it to drag through her folds and gather the wetness there while his mouth is otherwise occupied. Her long eyelashes flutter against the roundness of her cheek as he slides two fingers into her heat. “Look at me, petal,” he demands, hooking his fingers and massaging hard against the front wall of her pussy. 

The feeling of her squeezing his fingers sends his brain into overdrive and his cock shudders, likely almost purple from the lack of release. Christian is consumed with images of pinning her to the bed with her ankles by her ears. He knows how well she takes him, how she blooms like the most precious flower around him. It would be so easy to slide his cock through her folds and fuck into her tight heat, to make them both come until they’re a panting, tangled, weak-limbed heap. But they have all day together and he plans to thoroughly eat his mate until she gushes.

His determination to make her come again rekindled with the knowledge that he’s going to have her every which way until they pass out, he ignores his neglected cock a little longer. “Watch me take you apart.” He fights not to close his eyes and lose himself in the sweet taste and smell of his mate’s delicious pussy, but Christian manages it with the knowledge that nothing makes the ice princess under him writhe like prolonged eye contact.

And writhe she does, bucking her hips hard enough to almost dislodge his fingers. Her pleasure is unrestrained and delectable on his tongue. Every mouthful of her on his tongue lights his nerves on fire and leaves his core singing for her and only her. Alexis swells and drips right into his mouth and Christian is unashamed to say he’s an addict. He is a mere supplicant at the altar of her divine and resplendent presence, happy to worship and consume her until his last breath. The way he suckles at her clit is a sacred ritual, the flicks of his tongue against the underside a salvational act for his soul. 

His fingers drill the tender spot inside her until she’s clawing at the sheets and burying her face into a pillow. “God, cher, it’s-,” she interrupts herself with a muffled yelp, one knee hooking around the back of his neck and holding him tight against her mound. “Christian. Christian, I’m gonna-” her nails cut into his shoulder hard enough to draw blood and each point of contact is electric. “If you don’t- god if you don’t stop I’ll-” she clenches hard around his fingers, growing spasms to signal the impending glory of her orgasm.

“That’s right, princess,” Christian snarls, rubbing cruel, tight little circles around her clit with his thumb. “Show me everything.” His teeth find a tender spot where her thigh joins her hip and leaves a deep imprint sure to bruise. There’s a distinct tearing sound where her fangs have ripped into the pillow covering her mouth, her carefully crafted control thrown out the window.

“Let me hear, petal. Let go.” Christian feels her start to come before she does, her startled shout bouncing off the walls. She fists his hair and arches up like she’s been electrocuted and she’s never been more beautiful. Christian speeds up rather than slowing down, mercilessly suckling and bearing his fingers into her knowing that she’s not done yet, that if he can get her right up to the edge and she can-

“Fuck, fuck!” Christian sticks his tongue out a second too late, but he doesn’t mind when the first gush of her hits his mouth and chin. His face wears it just fine, and he can always drink down every single drop next time. The growl in the back of his throat is primal, pure instinct and satisfaction. Despite his own desperate need to come, he pulls his hips back and focuses on his girl. He’s perfectly content letting his mate make a mess of him, squirting hard and fast across his face, knowing he’ll be insider her later. “Jesus Christ,” Alexis whimpers, gently riding his fingers until she’s a limp, twitching wreck.

“God, you’re so fucking beautiful when you squirt all over my face like that, petal,” Christian growls, licking the remnants of her off his face and fingers. “You get me so fucking hard.” He spits into the hand covered in her slick and reaches down to firmly grasp his cock, too wound up to do anything more than just hold himself there.

“Show me, cher,” Alexis trills, voice siren-like in the way she compels him to climb onto the bed, his knees on either side of her thighs. Her eyes are dark and half-lidded and the smile on her face is coy and sultry. He jerks himself slowly, squeezing the head in the tight circle of his fist. “You made me feel so good,” she whispers, trailing sanguine-colored nails up his thigh to tease over his sac.

“I love eating you, petal,” Christian says, his voice so deep it would be foreign if he wasn’t used to Alexis dragging it out of him. “You know I love the taste of you on my tongue.” Alexis nods, rolling his balls in her delicate hands. She pushes up on one arm to place a kiss right over his pounding heart.

“I know.” She trails hot and wet kisses up his chest and over his neck, dragging her fangs over his throat in the way that makes him rumble and fuck his fist harder. “Now I want you inside me, cher, nice and deep.”

“Fuck, you drive me crazy when you say shit like that,” Christian snarls, using his free hand to catch the back of her head and drag her into a filthy kiss. Alexis gives as good as she gets, kissing hard and nipping at his lips while batting his hand off his cock and stroking him herself. “I love it when you tell me exactly like you want.” 

“I want you to fuck me, Christian.” Shivers wrack his body, muscle memory of being inside her reminding him of just how good it would be. But in the same breath he knows he probably wouldn’t get more than a few thrusts in before he came shamefully fast inside her. “So hurry up and fuck me, already.”

Her honest, sultry words against his lips make him break out in goosebumps and groan. “Petal, I’m not going to last. Watching you like that is so…” he trails off and brings their mouths together in a humid kiss that’s mostly teeth knocking together. Alexis pulls back, sensually twisting onto her knees and pulling her hair off of her neck.

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’ve trained your refractory period, isn’t it cher?” Christian can’t help the high whine that escapes his throat. “Come,” she demands, patting the bed in front of her and looking entirely too amused when he scrambles into position. She straddles his lap, teasingly brushing the still dripping warmth of her pussy against the head of his cock. 

“Please, petal, please let me-” he cuts himself off with a groan, looking up at her with imploring eyes. He’s so hard and so close his temples are throbbing and his hands ache from being clenched into fists. 

The second she starts to sink onto him, her soaked folds parting until he slips into her warmth, Christian’s hips snap up until he’s buried inside her and hissing out curses between gritted teeth. His hands dig into the flesh around his waist, using the grasp to tug her down as he thrusts deep into her wet heat. “You feel- so fucking good,” Christian grunts, pumping his hips hard and fast and so deep that Alexis can only hold onto his shoulders. “Gonna- gonna come, fuck, just from this, petal.”

Alexis helps herself to the open expanse of his neck, sucking marks into the skin with a breathless smile as Christian reaches his peak and throws himself over it inside her. “Come for me, cher,” she whispers with teeth grazing the skin just under his ear. Christian whines and buries his face in her chest, panting against the skin above her heart as his hips drill one, two, three more times before his cock pulses hard and he comes. “Good boy, that’s my good boy.” He whimpers, hips jerking in little rocking motions to milk his orgasm as long as he can.

Her fingers comb through his mussed hair, pushing his bangs off his forehead. His hips never quite stop, still pumping lazily to keep himself hard as her pussy gently flutters around him. “Gimme- fuck, just give me a second and I can go again. I’ll fuck you right, princess.” Alexis smiles and presses a kiss to the crown of his head.

“I know, cher,” she says with minute rocks of her hips that make him hiss. “We’re not done until you knot me properly, puppy.” Christian snarls at that, using his grip on her hips to flip her onto her back and drag his cock out of the hot cavern of her pussy. Alexis laughs, even as Christian is hitching her leg up until her ankle dangles over his shoulder. 

“I’ll fucking knot you alright,” Christian warns, hovering his face directly over hers with a smile that is all teeth. “I’ll breed you so goddamn full, petal.” And when Alexis bares her teeth, fangs and all, in reciprocation, he slams into her to make good on it.

[thatuselesshuman]

How I get shit done in a way that works

For reference: I have many illnesses (some that now force me to use a cane in the short term) and autism

So I was cleaning my room today and I realized that I have a process of getting things done that may help some people, so here I am sharing it on ye ol Tumblr. Feel free to comment on it, disagree, add advice, and generally just yap cause I am in no way a professional

Anyways...

Step One: The most important step

As the title says, this is the most important step. This step starts with putting on a banger playlist or an audio book or anything that'll get you in the zone. This is important cause if it's not a vibe I'm not gonna do it.

The second part of this step is knocking out the easiest thing that'll make the most difference. Using me cleaning my room as an example, I packed up the large pile of clothes I have to donate that was covering a lot of my floor. It only took like five minutes and it made my room look a lot less messy. This is important because I typically have a hard time starting a project because I think of all of the things I have to do, the time it'll take, and I'll get overwhelmed and just not do it. Knocking something out that makes the task seem way less daunting and therefore allows me to start.

Step Two: Break it up

The next step is to break up the rest of your tasks into small but not menial tasks. Using the same example, I broke up my room into: pick up shoes, pick up dirty clothes, pick up trash, put shoes into the shoe cubby, put away any other miscellaneous items, hang up clothing, and vacuum. These tasks are doable but still make a difference in the cleanliness of my room, which motivates me to get to the next task. If the task is too small, it seems daunting to the rest because you can't see them making a difference. If the task takes too long, you'll quickly get discouraged because the amount of time it could take to do the rest seems like forever.

Step Three: Give yourself grace

I lied, this may be the most important step. After every task, you have to allow yourself to quit if you want to. Even if you only get the first step done, you must allow yourself to quit if you feel the need. If you force yourself to keep chugging on despite being overstimulated, tired, etc, then the task may get done in the short term but you'll be way less likely to ever even start next time. If you get overwhelmed after the first step, then that's fine. You can try again tomorrow or in an hour or two. Forcing yourself isn't the answer.

Plus, I find that after I get into the swing of things, I don't want to quit. Very rarely do I find myself quitting after the first, second, or even third step. Sure, occasionally I'll have a rough day and I'll quit early on, but then I'll just try again. Living in your body isn't a 100 meter dash, it's a marathon, which means you can't go 100% the entire race or else you'll never finish.

Step Four: Reward yourself

Once you accomplish your goal, reward yourself. It doesn't have to be anything big. For example, after I finished cleaning I rewarded myself by making my favorite dish for dinner. When you reward yourself, it allows yourself to feel accomplished and happy with the outcome. You'll remember that feeling next time, which will make it all the more easier to start.

TL;DR: You got this! You've gotten this far. You've lived too damn long to be bested by something like this. Tackle that task, I believe in you!

[joker-daughter]

alright let me add my two cents because clearly you aren’t allowed to be frustrated in this fandom…

who the hell blamed Tomdayas for Tom’s career choices? like where the fuck did that happen? how does that even make sense? like do you all really think we’re that dumb to think that you guys (or we) have some power over his career or are you all being dense on purpose? we can have opinions and discussions about it though (because what else is there left to do? lmao) and someone pointed out the hypocrisy behind not wanting Zendaya to claim that she owes everything to Euphoria (which is valid and I remember not just Tomdayas, but their stans, meaning the ones who claim to stan one or the other or both, criticizing that at the time) to not questioning when Tom straight up says that about Spider-Man, which again, is an attitude not just shared among (some) Tomdayas, this is not an attack on them for being Tomdayas or on Zendaya, so stop interpreting it that way too ffs

also about “catastrophizing” stuff or whatever because of what he said about his future projects, we heard him say the exact same thing years ago and we’ve gotten one project since then, like you can’t blame his fans for pointing that out, and we’re not saying that we should have gotten these projects by now, we know that he was burned out, we know that he took a break, we know that there was a strike, we know, we’re not stupid, all we want is to know what these are because we keep hearing about it…also about the script reading, I don’t have much of an opinion on it but Tom tends to exaggerate so again, you can’t blame anyone if they want to be cautious in that regard, some of you all are acting like people aren’t allowed to be critical like sorry, we don’t look through rose colored glasses at everything he does and says ffs (also looking at those who clearly weren’t thrilled about that challengers script when it came out) but again, if we didn’t look forward to all of it still (even if we don’t know what it is) we wouldn’t be here wasting our time, that’s for damn sure

and about us wanting “to win stan wars”…what stan war? on tumblr? most of the very few Tom blogs moved from twitter to here because they’re tired of these so called stan wars, but why is it that when we say want to see him work with acclaimed directors, actors or whatever and be in a good and acclaimed project that you all jump to that conclusion? are we not allowed to want success for him outside of the box office? especially after how people (and I’m not talking about fucking stans) have been coming down on him in the past couple years when it comes to his career? and don’t you dare and twist my words into us forcing him into anything, again neither you nor I have the power for that and if he was to come out tomorrow and say yeah, nope, I’m retiring and I don’t want to do this anymore or I don’t care how my stuff is perceived* then fine but clearly he wants to keep working and seems excited about it so why can’t we wish for him to be successful across all fronts with that??? lord

and yes, I know at the end of the day what matters most is what we personally think about his projects, especially as his fans, but you can’t deny that it’s nice to see when they’re more universally celebrated and he gets his flowers for his work and talent…

*which btw he never did but some act like he did, not saying that he’s focused on that but he was clearly thrilled about that CCA nomination so do what you want with that

anyways, crucify me now, Idc

[welcometololaland]

Binged Read "living at the centre of would...." tonight, and i am in tears, I just love love your writing so damn much Lola 🫶🏼 You grip on Characters and their Characterization is so strong. I have read every single of your Lone star fics till date. You are my Favorite author!! I have specially made a tumblr account to reach out to the beautiful writers of this fandom and appreciate them and let you'll know that you all matter so very much to us!!!

Can't wait to read what more beautiful things you put for us, i m specifically so intrested in ALTA ( just genuine excitement and want to share the Excitement , no pressure, please take your time,m very patient lmao)

Never Understood Grief so wonderfully and truthfully before!

Thank You <3

(ALTA SNIPPET BELOW CUT)

Thank you so much! The honeymoon fic was difficult for me to write (because I don't often write angst), but it was also incredibly cathartic. I think it helped me process a lot of my own feelings about season 4 episodes 17 and 18, and also made me think deeper about Carlos in particular and his state of mind in these episodes.

I feel honoured to know you have read so many of my stories! I hope they brought you joy <3 I think it's awesome you made a tumblr account to tell people that you like their work!

ALTA is finished, but it is in beta-phase. I'm not sure when it will be ready but I'm hoping to post ch 1 soon(ish). This fic has been so fiddly and difficult, I don't think I've EVER spent so much time nitpicking. I've re-written and re-worked the chapters so many times it's insane. Never write a mystery, guys. It's HARD lol. Here, have a snippet (it's unbeta-d, don't judge me).

Summer Break, June 2015

“Carlos,” TK sighs, sliding himself into the passenger seat of Carlos’ car, jiggling the ancient manual windows to wind them down, allowing fresh air in. Carlos knows he’s going to have to get a better car one day – he can’t keep driving around in something that has no AC in the middle of Texas – but he’s also a broke student and his father isn’t a movie star. Not that he’ll be reminding TK of that, lest he turn up to TK’s house one day and find himself presented with a brand new Range Rover.

Although, given recent events, he’s never going to be able to set foot in TK’s house again.

“Carlos,” TK repeats with a little huff, leaning back against the seat as Carlos backs out of Owen’s driveway. “Why are you so mad? It’s not like this is the first time this has happened—”

“TK,” Carlos exclaims, one hand tapping the steering wheel in exasperation. “Your dad walked in and we were—”

“My dad has walked in on us loads of times,” TK argues. “He has no sense of privacy, you know that.”

“Yes, but—”

“One time he caught me practically giving you a blowjob, remember?” TK interjects. “I think it was the first time you met him, actually—”

“TK!” Carlos practically cries. “How are you not more concerned about the fact that your dad walked in while you were riding me?”

TK shrugs. “I don’t know,” he replies, infuriatingly calm. “We’re adults and adults have sex, right? I don’t think anyone in the Strand household is under any illusions as to why the pool house was out of bounds for six months straight.”

Carlos has a sudden urge to take a random left hand turn and drive them into another state. He’s not sure he can bear to be in the same timezone as Owen Strand, knowing that he’s seen them in such a compromising position. On second thoughts, Carlos wishes he could drive to Antarctica.

“Seriously, baby,” TK says, holding his palm up on the centre console, begging for Carlos’ touch. “It’s going to be okay. I bet my dad won’t even say anything. I mean, he might make an awkward joke about it but trust me, he doesn’t care.”

Carlos blows out a breath. “I don’t know,” he replies with uncertainty. “I’m beginning to think we should move out.”

Out of his peripherals, he can see TK practically bounce in the passenger seat. “Some place other than your college dorm?” he asks. “Carlos, that would be—”

“I’m not serious,” Carlos interjects, then feels terrible about it when he looks across at TK’s face and sees it fall. “Wait, hang on, I didn’t mean—”

TK retracts his hand and brings it to his face, covering his mouth as he turns to look out of the passenger-side window. 

“TK,” Carlos calls, sighing as he pulls over to the kerb and throws the car into park. “TK, look at me.”

TK turns back slowly, a sad frown etched into his features. “I get it,” he says, a little despondently. “I mean, I’d be terrible to live with. I know you think I’m spoiled and I don’t know how to do anything, and I do hate chores but I’d do them if it meant I got to live with you.”

“I don’t think any of those things,” Carlos says softly, reaching across the space between them to rest his palm on TK’s leg. “Sweetheart, I’d love nothing more than to live with you—”

“I do hate chores,” TK admits. “Come on, that part is true.”

“Okay,” Carlos concedes, allowing his lips to curl into a smile as he watches TK’s do the same. “If we’re being honest, you suck at chores. But I’m sure you could get good at them, with practice.”

“Maybe,” TK says, wrinkling his nose. “I hear you’re a pretty good teacher.”

“I am,” Carlos replies seriously, leaning halfway across the console to kiss the tip of TK’s nose and then his lips. “I want to live with you, TK,” he says. “I just can’t afford that right now. Plus, we’re young. Maybe it’s a good idea to wait until we finish college at least.”

“And give my dad more opportunities to walk in on us?” TK asks, arching an eyebrow. “Your funeral, Reyes.”

Carlos shrugs, trying to school his expression. “Oh no, that’s not happening,” he says smoothly. “We just can’t have sex at your place anymore.”

“What are you suggesting?” TK scoffs. “That we have sex in your dorm room? Because Darren is gonna have to get real cool with some stuff pretty quickly…”

Carlos shakes his head. “I was thinking more like abstinence.”

TK chokes. “Abst— No, Carlos. Abstinence does not work when your boyfriend looks like this.” He flourishes his hands in Carlos’ direction, motioning to the entire top half of his body.

“Was thinking we could wait until marriage,” Carlos teases, turning the ignition back on as TK squawks. 

“Okay,” he says, “I guess we’re getting married tomorrow.”

“Not legal yet,” Carlos points out. “Guess we’ll have to wait a while.”

[officialtayley]

(This is to the anon, not you Ash) Omg 😫 I know that posting an opinion leads to other people wanting to challenge it but what I'm saying is: do they HAVE to? And if they have to do they have to do it with such an irrelevant point? It's not like I was spreading rumours or hate!

Why do we accept that this is just how it is to be online, why can't we just learn to not always need to butt in when an opinion is sooooo damn harmless?! I said it wasn't that deep, why has someone else got involved to tell me I'm wrong? Thank you Ash for acknowledging why I defended myself tho. I didn't message you with that opinion hoping to start a debate or conversation, it was just...a throwaway thought that had nowhere else to go. Christ, I deleted Tumblr for a month and already I've remembered why, people just can't ignore anything and it just gets dismissed as "you should expect it", like ok but that doesn't mean I have to accept it, in the same way (first analogy I can think of don't read too deeply!) we tend to largely agree that celebs shouldn't have to accept paparazzi just because we've allowed a culture where they should expect it, for example.

Things can be different, especially in this little community where we tend to use Ash's DMs as a place to share it own thoughts and she kindly gives us that space! We can just scroll past things sometimes! Which I will continue doing now regardless of any more messages directed to me, genuinely sorry Ash for accidentally starting a weird discussion because I shared a fleeting thought about a stage lol 😅

it's okay! no need to be sorry! when i say you should expect it i'd like to clarify that that doesn't mean you have to accept it because while someone might be allowed to disagree with whatever you've said (talking more about trivial things rather than yknow..... serious big things) you're allowed to defend yourself too.

but yeah, no need to be sorry!

[tlgpandoramia]

Chapter One : The Mortifalia

Notes : Hiii, after some inner struggle I decided to share some of my book in Tumblr. I'm just yearning for some feedback XD so I would appreaciate any, but please do be kind, that's my first draft and English is not my native language. Please, don't repost anywhere without my permission. Enjoy!

Word Counting : 4020k

Rate: 16+

`'Read my words well, as I write this under some influence, I feel that my head is about to pop, no idea if all those vaccines shots put a chip, or another virus inside of me, or maybe is just that fucking MORT-09 shit scratching my brain. The doctor said I just got to avoid everything and avoid to drink too much water and take sunbath, easy for that fucker to say, I feel like my body is completely dried, even my lips are all numb and rough for lack of water, the fever is not helping either. Anyway, screw that medical garbage, all the hospitals are full like a Best Buy in a sale day, everyone is coughing blood, and some are even bleeding from the eyes, mouth, nose, ears and pretty much everywhere, is so disgusting to see that, so I prefer to stay at home, at least here I have internet, my computer and nobody looking like a weird horror story. But, the doctors gave me a shot, a vaccine of some sort, saying that it isn't one hundred percent efficient, but it should help the immune system to fight the virus, I say it is bullshit, is not doing anything and my right arm is still sore from that stupid needle.

They said that this new virus came from a plant, or a flower, whatever, is the freaking same thing. But is ugly, last week when I had to go take the shot, I saw a guy bleeding from the head, like someone had cut the top and left it to bleed, the messed up part is that it wasn't normal red blood, but dark like a can of black tint, like a midnight lagoon, the news said that this is the last stage before going into coma, then is over, you fall into a sleep and that's it.

After the shot, I started having nightmares, not the usual scary bloody clown chasing you through an abandoned factory, kind of nightmare, but some real things, like it seems it actually happened, I don't know if it was just a weak moment from my delirious mind, this fucking fever and all the stress, but I heard some feral noises, sounding like shrinks coming straight off a hellish forest. Then I woke up, and saw something through the bedroom window leading to the yard, it was a black shadow of some sort, but it had flesh underneath, it was moving in like a foggy way, giggling around and lifting itself like a cloud of gas. I was up and ready, I know this, I even remember when the trigger was pulled and the bullet hit it. I even buried it, but its always coming back, digging itself off that dirt and the grass, I see it everywhere, in the corner of my eyes, inside the pipes, struggling to get inside, pushing the door and floating around, just like that damn black fog, or spores, that I see when the ignites are on, the vacuum cleaner can't deal with that, I used it, then the next day they reappeared, but that giant human shape black fog is always coming back, doesn't matter how deep I dig it.

Yesterday I spent eight hours watching over the window, aware all the time, feeling my eyes burning and the muscles cramping, but somehow I couldn't stop it, like a sleep paralysis. That's was when I started seeing that white glow fog on every surface, just floating and existing, when I left the house they turned into those huge shining orbs on the dark sky, glowing and singing to me, chanting in a soprano voice, beautiful and peaceful, something that I didn't felt in a long time, it was like angels telling me to law down and accept my death, that they would take me to a better place if I only allow it, that feeling of being rotten from the inside vanished, even the nightmares.

I...We, all thought that this virus was just another excuse for the big pharmaceutical companies to make vaccines and earn billions, but this is different, it doesn't feel like a conspiracy theory or something, it feels real.

My blood turned black, yet sometimes I can catch a glimpse of the red color if I look hard enough.

Today is October six of two thousands and seventeen, three days after the hospital visit, the news aren't positive or hopeful, showing footage of hospital being overrun by sick people, bodies being transported in every available vehicle and being toss inside containers, some are saying that that's it, the end of humankind, between that and global warming is a tough situation to get yourselves out of it.

This Mortifalia, isn't new, I heard about it back in two thousand and six, people from all over the world used it for different purposes, some native used it the flower as a medicine, others eat it like a meal, a few beauty industry people discovered and started using in cosmetics, and not to mention how some would use it as a drug, grab the flower, smash it and mix with hot water, then just smell that thing, it would give anyone a huge high, I did that back in university years ago, maybe that's how I got it, since nobody infected came near me in years and I barely leave my house for three years. When it started becoming an issue back in two thousand and thirteen, the government said that if you took the nitrogen pills and all the vaccines, you would be fine, and so we carry on in this pandemic. In those years almost nobody died, only going into coma, millions of people went to deep sleep, some remained to recent days, I know some people had the virus in the past and nothing happened, but now they are numbers in intensive care units. A little to late, but I throw away all that had the ``dormant Mortifalia``in their formulas, the shampoos, deodorant and that cursed healing water for the skin, they always said that it was impossible for those products to infected someone since the virus within was dead, who knows...Maybe that how I got infected or the flower smelling. Is unusual to say, but I feel at peace, feeling like I could just lay down and sleep forever, the angels don't stop to speak with me, but a part of me feels that this is wrong. There is no peace at slavery, at being a puppet, I'm a salve for a thing that is controlling me, commanding me in everything, even my own thoughts, and words. No! My words are my own, shut up now, and stop whispering in my ears, telling me what to do, or is this just what I'm supposed to believe? It's controlling me, I know, just like a puppet of an insane puppet master. The smell of blood is strong coming from the next house. No, it doesn't! Maybe I should watch those angels in the sky for a little longer.'' Words found in a pre outbreak letter

The story circles to the future, two thousand and twenty seven, disclosing around survivors, one in particular being Miyako Uzume, descendant of an ancient Japanese family with roots of witchcraft and a rumor of ``Chosen by a God``, bound by a promise with a deity until end of times. ``One shall see beyond men logical perspective, blessed to not join the army of pawns that shall walk upon Earth`` An old prophecy that turned the family popular back in Japan, as nobody appreciates they.

Enough of mysticism, those word are only coming out because I fear to speak about the reality that we set upon yourselves.

Beyond the metal and atomic bomb resistant walls, lies something that would make death seems like a frail human, extermination, nothing less. The girl don't remember how the world looked outside the metal box, how most of the days were spend hiding behind the apartment and looking out of the window, never coming in contact with people of the same age or friends in general, weeks would go by and only the sight of the family members could be seen, alongside the smell of recent baked cookies and how loud the progenitor used to listen to the news, yet for her the words never made much of a sense, considering that English proved to be different from asian mother tongue. Although melancholic and boring, the past hits with a home sick feeling, coming in strong and persistent.

Most people misses the old world with all of their hearts, the daily activities, go to work, bar and parties, hear those meaningless celebrities news and the idea of just existing. An emotion not share by the child, as it may be that those were never experienced, if the inner thoughts would ever be spoken out loud, strangers would condemn, after all who could be sympathetic towards someone that believes in the idea of a pandemic world being better that the past one, overall humans grew simplistic, surviving and coping with the past takes all their time, left with no time to judge others or the path someone else wishes to walk upon, worrying about surviving another day.

Dreams of traveling, earning degrees, buying houses and last generations vehicles were crushed years ago, if one were blessed by Lady Luck an approval letter for a shelter program or an invite to live inside a Military Zone arrived in the mailbox a few days before the breaking day, half of the issues could've been dealt with it, however feeling safe also worked as an ultimatum. To be able to live inside a secure place, a citizen should proves useful, assigned to be a working member of the new society, either by attending educational institutions, tasked to a specific job or being less fortunate and work as a manufacturing worker, aiding to keep the places sturdy, maybe joining the militia, options are limited, nevertheless one still has the power of choosing, even though this power lies in two paths, accept it or leave it.

Young kids or infant born within those camps believed that the inanimate concrete and steel is a sentient deity, that shields they for the horror of the outside world, of the lands dominated by the infected, kilometers of the Black Fog covering the capitals, corruption eating away every miserable human settlement out there. Cursing someone to go to hell no longer works, now the most lucky ones wishes for others to go beyond the walls and experience how it feels out there, death penalties also ceased to exist, if one commits a crime that calls for severe punishment, then exile seems logical enough.

Hopes for an ordinary life died six years ago, a major pike of infection overwhelmed hospitals across the world, and it couldn't function anymore with millions of humans going into stasis, the point of no returning, after a few more hours the virus had full control over the host. Despite never witnessing an infected or a victim, children that grew up in shelters learned about it, The Manual describes them as ``Former humans, now in absolute control of the Mortifalia``. Diversified by five stages, all shared an importance, yet the first worries the doctors, taking place between four to six hours after a bite, scratch, breathing the spores or by simple coming in contact with infected blood, airborne took most of the victims, as they never noticed it until the last moment, some areas in cities are so deep within Its territory that the air itself is bio hazard, one dies by suffocation before turning into a Courier.

Shelters were built by the Saga Corporation, half of it were put inside major military camps, however the organization took responsibility to generate their own food, water and electricity supplies. Each party has their own objectives, the military one being to avoid infected near the borders, as a high concentration of the infection can cause a Nucleus to be form, spreading the Black Fog through the wind, even infectiing the rain and the soil itself.

Miyako rest as the youngest daughter of the prestigious virologist, Doctor Reira Uzume, a veteran researcher of the Mortifalia and a key factor for creating a vaccine, the child takes the mother word over anything, admiring her beyond compression, a woman capable of running for president, if the government worked like before, the Uzume matriarch wrote half of The Manual Of The Infection, responsible for gathering information about the virus and how to deal with it in hundred of scenarios.

The others countries remains until this day, yet details of what happened and what became of the provisional laws is a privilege meant for a few high rank officers. The USA fragmented itself in regimes called Provisional Governments, a president figure persisted, however with less power and no longer representing a political wing. With a mandate lasting three years, they need to allied themselves with the Military, Scientific or Industrial party, each with its own beliefs on how to deal with the virus and prevent humans to be extinct, and of course, making sure that the walls remains strong.

A prestige biologist, Katherine Williams sits in the White House, feeding the hope of a vaccine to save the world, whoever the truth doesn't aligned itself with this ideal. The group has the duty of maintaining the hospitals, camps and clinics, while creating ways of improving the new educational system, and worshiping the possibility of a vaccine.

Every night Miyako wonders what happened to the apartment, now laying in a prohibit area of DC, almost all were left behind, even Ren, a teddy bear given by her brother in the girl six year old birthday. On the day the world died, a group of men wearing white tuxedos knocked on the family door, demanding the four to pack it up in essential and leave for the shelter located somewhere in the capital heart, a lot of things were considered useless baggage by the agents, not allowing more that two pair of clothes and shoes, going against the orders, the oldest son sneaked away nail polishes for his sister, storing it all away inside the jacket pockets.

Once upon a time, feed the wishful think that the things left behind would feel alone and abandoned, just like she does. Through all the way to the landing spot, many people were roaming the street, some sick and wandering around, enjoying the last minutes before falling into coma, while others were protesting for a solution, gathering around the military camp protecting the white house, begging to be let inside, the scream mattered not, as none of those outside made it

That night marked the first time she left the secured place for a non medical reason, it felt engulf at some point, as the air itself attempted to crush her lungs, however the safe heaven tagged along, once more, as he promised to do each time. The vision of the round metal vault door closing imprinted itself as an intruder memory, the noise, the staff affirming in a loop that nobody should worry about anything, the smell of smoke and the red light shining, as the door closed to never be opened again, for others present there the sight worked as a reminder of hope and safety, yet for her it mold as a frightened event, locked inside a place with people that controlled the child's life since the first day.

Shelter...A fancy word to be buried inside an underground facility, in the false illusion of safety against everything the outside could throw at it, from atomic bombs to the Black Fog, the idea of holding yourself in an infection free zone, with food, water and light sounds perfect, built inside the biggest military camp in the country, as a warning to the government on who runs the show, although fools believes that the construction happened to create a harmonic relationship with the politicians.

In the middle of the cold and empty metal hallways, a Observatarium takes place, covering several meters of the gigantic room, an enormous and thin screen showing realistic videos of a snowy tundra, as a light snow falls on top of the trees. She's able to witness such landscape through the brother's eyes, again, a promise from long time ago.

Mafuyu serves as her eyes and protector since the girl came into the world, ignoring all else and silently focusing the eyesight so she can enjoy it to the max, a fake nature, yet it brings comfort.

Never allowed to try for friends, as the doctors redeem her immune system too weak to be close to others, so the young men turned into something more that just a brother, a friend, a father figure and someone who wished nothing more that her well being. The two would spend hours playing or watching television, in the beginning he didn't hesitated to believe in the sight story, and when the truth that Yuki never existed came to be, Mafuyu one more time jump to the ``It's okay`` part, talking with their parents and explaining what it meant, for the youngest they share more that blood, someone who took over all of possible roles, the burning feeling irradiating in the lower abdomen fades when she can rest her head on the teen shoulder, sure that nothing out there can bring harm to the siblings.

An imaginary gust of wind blows the Uzume hair, as the elder sibling beside smiles and laughs, revealing to be the one blowing the air, extending the playful moment to the max.

they cares not about what happened in the past or that others misses the old world, as not even the apocalypse could change the family routine, or the parents lack of attention to their children, since the beginning, he remembers the adult overworking themselves to the extreme, leaving the siblings without a guide, Mafuyu felt lost for years, not sure if those two people were his parents or just someone that shares the same blood, when Reira announced another pregnancy, he knew that the same fate waited the infant, a life of loneliness, and to never hear a parent saying ``I love you``, fearing this future, the teen took over the duty of raising a child by himself. Is no secret that the girl considers the brother as a father, showing this trust by only speaking next to him, as she craves the safety and reassurance that comes with the elder Uzume presence, and he never hide this honor that it feels to be someone comfort person.

The father, a charming Chinese men in his late forties approaches. Yi Han stands out thanks to the glorious dark hair brushed in a classic and refined hairstyle, a well chosen dark blue suit and the silk skin, leaving no space to comments about flaws, while the fellow scientists worries about work, the men prioritize the physical appearance over looking clever all the time.

How the men ignores the younger child enkindles rage within Mafuyu, ``A parent should always know where his children are``, yet the youngest replies with silence, non concern to hid the scorn growing towards the men. The siblings carries on their moment, Yi takes that as a defeat, looking over the future of the family, wondering if the methods of raising they are valid, or just a cruel way to treat an eleven year old child, a sensation of shame overcomes the men smooth persona, choosing to step away before any flaw can be shown in front of others.

The father-daughter relationship had been damaged years ago, as Yi Han refused to believed about the sight and her decision of no longer wanting to pretend to be a boy, claiming that such important decision should've been delayed due to insufficient age, blaming Mafuyu influence and the heat of the moment, the lack of support pushed her away from the him, hurt beyond word. With the head of Saga paying for everything, and how the brother hold her hand at every second, Miyako went forward with the new life, going through treatment and last year a surgery to end the circle, mistaking the corporation gesture for kindness, yet the goal strayed from that good, a way to keep the child under their wings and docile, a solution to make sure that she couldn't leave the shelter or abandoned the cause, to enhanced their trust further, the pharmaceutical company developed a tiny device into a specific area of the body, assuring that the technology would avoid the necessity of daily hormones pills. A factor that seal a bound between the girl and the company, seeing the CEO as a hero of some sort, someone that aid in the most dire moment, able to enjoy life as Miyako, a name picked by the brother. The solo demand made by the company happened to be a small thing, cooperation, and nothing more. A contract signed by the child to assist in a project to adapt the sight to soldiers, so they could hijack into infected minds and gain upper hand, despite believing in this supernatural gift, the head scientist cared not to make it a project, using it as a mere mean to an end.

One would think that the end of the world could bring people together, but it didn't, the mother spend most of the days working in the dream of manufacturing a vaccine, or at least something to retard the effect of the virus, while Yi Han makes sure that the shelter geothermal power plant remains in working order. Mafuyu takes the promise to an honorable level, even joining her in classes about electronics, mechanics, medicine and biology, subjects from the new educational system, a way to create a better future, so the new generation can grow knowing the most important lessons instead of dwelling in past history or unnecessary mathematics. Despite finding those five hours boring, she cherishes every second of it, as what follows it in the schedule its never pleasant.

When the experiment time begins, Mafuyu has to leave, not a single test is harmless, each holding their own amount of pain or discomfort. Recalling about yesterday, the scientist attempted to created a theory about how the brain connect itself with the sight, looking for a logical way to explain the ability of seeing through others eyes. A thin and silver needle penetrate through the lower eye until it reached the brain, the whole procedure took place under heavy anesthesia, yet the pain grew harder to withstand afterward, worse that an emotional hollowness, a feeling that shocked through the brain and the nervous system.

However, a worst one exist, The Helmet, or so she calls it, a metal device is introduced on the head, then electrical stimulus are send to the brain, a way to improve her eyes and recover a tiny fraction of the natural sight, it makes the body fake a scenario where each centimter of skin melts, every cell and fiber deteriorates, reaching an astonishing level of fading, only to be wake by the same pain, left with no choice, but to endure it the most brutal five minutes of the day, it happened several times, and it can't seen to get better anytime soon. The shock waves suffering is staggering, yet she judges as a necessary evil, willing to make this sacrifice, blind by manipulation and scared of the chance of Saga sending the family away from the shelter, not willed to put Mafuyu into harm ways, or to sacrifice the parents career.

Using the girl lack of direction and the endless search for a purpose to created a perfect harmony, as Miyako feels like a sheep in a forest full of werewolves, a part of her believes that the suffering can be justify, and the other she deserves the pain coming from those test.

Regardless of the brother encouragement words, remanding how important her life is, the child refuses to see in the same way, seeing herself as a pillar, holding back the corruption from crumbling under the one she loves, willing to continue with the penitence, just for a small glance of a better tomorrow.

[fagcrush]

"maybe I should share my list of shit I had to put up with" Doooo it

Well here u go anon!

Wasn't gonna do this but if ppl wanna sit here and vague me I'm gonna be the one to actually say whats up.

I do want to say I do not think I was fully innocent in this group. I did tend to vent to much and drive topics into the ground. I was in a pretty awful place for awhile, was not being treated for stuff I needed to be treated for, had few ways to cope, and made it others problem. I've had time to reflect now that my head is more clear and I'm more medicated and stuff and yeah removing me was reasonable but the way they went about it and the way one mod (who I'll call Mod A through this) was constantly aggressive with me and took issue with things that weren't actually problems is my issue.

It's a long list (literally went over nitro limit) so. Under a read more

When I first moved in w my now ex roommate, we had an incident where they went on a week long vacation when we were struggling to pay rent, and the only thing they talked about was how they were going to have sex I started confusion offer them going so far out of town and only talking about that, and Mod A snapped and said it's not my business and I'm being weird. I think it is my business if they're taking time off work when we have bills to pay.

There was a point where I wanted to try to do content creation full time bc of all the stress trying to find a consistent, good job post-pandemic, working a fucking shitty ass job (one of those ppl trying to sell you shit in the middle of Walmart), I made a little half-joke about paying for the stream coaching advertised on a bottle of soda I had. Mod A for some reason felt the need to get snippy about this, and I kind of snipped back about how I just really want to stream full time because my job is making me extremely unhappy, and it was like "well if you worked better at your job maybe you'd be happy" (which. Damn. How's that boot taste)

I shared a post where I felt someone was being incredibly cruel over a small innocent comment, and Mod A said that the person was justified and funny. Which. I don't remember the thread exactly but it was a small comment that the person could have silently blocked over if it bothered them that much, rather than making a show of it and putting a person on blast, especially given tumblrs hobby of telling people to kill themselves after theyve been "owned." The argument ended with it telling me to "get over" being bullied for being too weird for others, which I stated is the reason I hate the cruelty over minorly "annoying."

Several people in the server were the "it's the fault of third party voters and people who abstain of trump wins" type. The argument happened very early into the election season but

Someone sent me a very vague anon about something a friend of mine did, with zero detail or anything, and then blocked me and now people treat me like a horrible person for taking the side of the person that actually gave me context and talked like an adult.

I was removed from the "irl" side channel some of the closer members were allowed in without being told or warned because I got mad that an ex friend (also incredibly petty drama) gave some personal info out about me for like. No reason.

I was frequently given advice when I did not ask for it, and then people would get mad that I wasn't taking the advice. I think the worst case of this was being given advice on how to make my rp replies longer when I was ranting about elitism in the rp community. That's not what I said. I said I want people to be more accepting of short form and even gave an example of my own rp that's well developed when a lot of our replies are dialogue only. Yeah I should have dropped it long ago but is it really that hard to say "Do you want advice?"

One person was just. Really set on ignoring everything going on in Palestine because "it makes me sad."

Another person constantly huffed and puffed about the PS5 not having exclusives, and ignored me when I tried to explain that most people STILL can't afford a PS5 because it came out smack dab in the middle of a recession and at one point cost basically as much as a used car.

This person also got real huffy and pouty about person giving valid criticism to genshins character models always drastically changing from the announcement art.

I talked frequently about how much I love the group mygo from bang dream. About my frustration when they were delayed, about how I wish I knew more ppl that liked them, about how much their music means to me. When they got added to en, Mod A decided to just say "idgaf about mygo" and it just. Felt rlly hurtful, especially considering it can't handle people not liking bnha

it also loved to hate on morfonica, another group I frequently expressed my love for bc I relate to the singer Mashiro and her struggles. And idk in general I think having this much vitriol for fictional teenage girls while you like bakugo just makes you look like a clown.

Mod A was talking about the BNHA Burger King Collab in France, and I pointed out we shouldn't be celebrating this since Burger King is on the BDS list, and it just kept talking about how excited it is.

When I was visiting an out of town friend, we were thinking of going to see a movie. The only things playing the day and time we could go were Beetlejuice and the Deadpool and Wolverine movie. My husband is incredibly uncomfortable w Beetlejuice bc of the whole dating a teenager plot point, and I was hearing mixed things on Marvel movies being boycotted bc of the Captain America movie, so I asked the server if they knew. For some reason someone got... Really passive aggressive with me for asking, without even knowing why I was asking, and told me to just pirate it. Like I know I can do that. I was asking because I want to go out and do something with a friend but our options are limited. (And yet someone celebrating an actually BDS boycotted thing is perfectly fine! When I found out later that the only thing BDS asked people to boycott was Captain America!)

Mod A was just. Weirdly obsessed with omegaverse stuff w b/akudek/u (censoring so it doesn't pop up in the search) and while the conversation was technically sfw, omegaverse is still at its core a fetish that you shouldn't be applying to underage character. You literally can't seperate it from its core being "There are people who need to fuck monthly or they get incredibly sick/die." And especially w BNHA's tendency to sexualize underage characters it's just. Nasty.

They were really nasty and negative toward vtuber merch and I would ask ppl to cool it down bc I love vtuber merch and they like. Wouldn't.

Also really nasty towards people that like Project Sekai knowing I liked it.

In general there was honestly a lot of hypocrisy with "You can't even criticize my interests, but I'm gonna totally trash on yours."

I was like... Removed without being told. And they didn't consult the owner or anything.

While some things were understandable like me venting about things and not stopping, part of their problem is what I've talked about with people saying it's "TMI" for me to use vague terms to talk about my husband and I trying to have a baby. Also apparently me talking a lot about how I hate how the Deco*27 song Rabbit Hole was kind of bastardized by a really weird animation and how the animation ended up more popular than the official key art. God forbid I want a song about trauma not to turn into "LOOK Miku is having SEX LOL."

Tbh just... Overall the way Mod A was allowed to bully me constantly was so weird.

Oh and this stuff from Mod A and another mod on Tumblr after I was kicked

I'm sure I'm missing shit bc that was just such a bad environment but hey.

[thecagedbard]

Oh Look, another Tav story! This is currently posted over on AO3 in its entirety but I thought I’d post it to tumblr as well. If you’d like to sneak a peak at some of the chapter names, if you don’t want to read the whole thing yet, have a listen to the title playlist: here.  There is also just the ‘Here’s what I was listening to while writing' playlist, and my Faetrala Uncaged playlist which serves as inspiration for Vesper’s siblings.  A lot of the songs tend to overlap but who knows, you might find one you enjoy. 

Rating: Mature

Pairing(s): Astarion/Tav (Vesper), Astarion/Halsin, Astarion/Halsin/Tav(Vesper); Mentions of Karlach/Shadowheart/Wyll; Mentions of Gale/AFAB OC

Warnings:  Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Canon Divergence, Child Death

Word count: 12,113/300,000+ Summary: Vesper needed someone to protect her from an abusive husband should he appear after she was abducted by mind flayers. Astarion needed someone to fall for him so he had protection from Cazador. He's got two hundred years of manipulation and she has the soft heart of a lamb being led to slaughter. While subconsciously healing each other they both realize they also need to heal the druid of all damned people.

Chapter Three

Vesper had awoken with a start, her hands flailing as her body reacted to being magically thrown backward. The still awake druids in the grove helped to calm her, offering tea for her nerves but she declined. Tea was always bitter and she doubted they had anything sweet to add to it like her elder sister, Zilly, had done in the past. 

While the others continued their rest she accepted help from one of the older women in the group to change out of her torn shirt and into armor that had been donated by Zevlor for their coming fight. The tiefling paladin had heard from Halsin the plan and while reluctant to put his people in danger he had rallied them to the idea, the older woman had explained. The elder druids and those that were more healing-based would remain with the infirm, children, and those with no fighting experience.

The rest of the plan was kept from her but as she looked around the druid’s quarters she noticed that even the little thieving children, Mol, Mattis, and even Silfy, were all asleep together in a group surrounding the large wolf that Rath was bonded to. They needed to win this. 

Halsin joined her by the hearth before sunrise, she explained how Minthara told her it was to go. “She offered to have the fight on the road but I thought it would be better where we could set an ambush rather than allow her the opportunity,” Vesper had told the older elf and he was in agreement. 

“We took out the bridge as you asked, even dragged some of that ship into the area. None of our birds reported seeing goblins or even a whisper of their ilk, your plan will work…” he said to her, her face flushed under his praise. She wasn’t a strategist or anything of the like, play fighting with her brother’s friend Sexton had given her the idea. 

“You were all seriously ill when you came through the gate, a fever that I don’t imagine was from the fighting,” Halsin watched her across the fire and she met his eyes. In the firelight she noticed they looked almost golden, “I dreamed about it–the fever,” she said, “and in the dream, there was someone who told me I was transforming but…but he stopped it?” Vesper dropped the shared gaze back into the fire, “I don’t want to turn into a mindflayer…Nettie,” Vesper turned for her bag but remembered Astarion had still been wearing it and cursed under her breath, “Nettie gave me wyvern poison. I swear, if that fever comes again I’ll take it. I don’t want to put anyone at risk.” When she lifted her eyes from the flame again Halsin was regarding her warmly and he bowed his head, “I hope it doesn’t have to come to that.” 

There was stirring around them as the others were beginning to awaken and Halsin excused himself to prepare. They had one more day, one day to set up traps, one day to be sure the goblins weren’t near; one day to prepare for a planned attack. Why did that thought cause her so much worry?

When she excused herself from the interior of the druid’s area she wandered the grove. Rath and Nettie both approached Vesper to thank her for rescuing Halsin and she tried to wave them off but they wouldn’t hear of it. She was listening to Rolan as he attempted to give her a dressing down about bringing the fight to the grove and how because of her actions everyone, most importantly himself, Cal, and Lia, were in danger now. Lia was quick to jump to her defense and Cal created a distraction before giving Vesper small pushes, so the bard could get away, “We’ll be fine. Lia and Rolan have been itching for a fight this whole time,” he had told her just a little bit later, “I think Rolan’s scared his magic won’t be strong enough.” Vesper leaned close and nodded, “I’m much the same to be perfectly honest. I’m sorry I’m putting you all in danger with me.” Cal had shaken his head with a grin, “Don’t be ridiculous, whether it happened here or on the road, the danger would have found us at some point.”

She saw the Karlach and Shadowheart with Dammon as he was hammering on one piece of the infernal iron they had found. Karlach looked excited but anxious and Shadowheart was just watching curiously, she turned to Vesper as the bard approached, “Morning…did you have any strange dreams last night?” Vesper nodded, “Damn,” said Shadowheart, “I was hoping it wasn’t something with the tadpole.” Karlach turned and shook her head, “Yeah, the gorgeous visitor in that golden paladin armor…I don’t know if I trust it.” 

“Did either of you recognize yours?” asked the bard as she watched Dammon work. He glanced up in her direction and nodded his greeting before he stood straighter and held out the device to Karlach, “You’ll have to insert it.” As he explained Shadowheart narrowed her eyes to Vesper and shook her head, “No, why did yours have a familiar face.” The bard nodded, and her hand came up to touch her collar over her armor, the cleric’s eyes followed her fingers and she blanched, “That may prove to be a number one reason to not trust this dream visitor then…are you alright?” 

The bard nodded and smiled, “Of course I am…” She turned her attention to Karlach who was taking a deep breath, “and how are you Karlach?” Even Dammon was watching for a reaction. The tiefling stood there for a moment, “It didn’t cool me down but I feel…stronger. I feel good.” The drow smiled, “Good, you’ll have a lot of things to hit tomorrow.” The tiefling smirked, and her brows waggled, “Bring it.”

After defeating the hobgoblin in the destroyed Selune temple, the party had found smoke powder barrels and stuffed as many small pouches as they had full of the black powder. Around midday, they were going through their items, trading with Aaron for scrolls or weapons, when Wyll learned that Vesper had a little knowledge about using a rapier he was quick to trade for one and demand the rest of her afternoon to work on technique. 

“I understand that the plan is for you to remain high, but these goblins are craftier than we think…if you’ll remember,” she nodded as he explained and stood across from her, “it is better for you to be fully prepared should one of them make it up the wall.” The children were gathering around them, Mol and her group as well as the children that Wyll had been teaching when they first met. The kids Wyll had assisted were yelling advice at her as she and Wyll sparred. The Blade of Frontiers had years of proper training, his back kept straight and his opposite arm up ready to fire a spell if need be. 

Vesper, on the other hand, had been trained secondhand by a boy who had been in the process of learning himself. When realized that the bard's form of dueling was more aggressive he adjusted himself and the two went back and forth, he still won the sparring match but had few remarks to make other than how she danced away from the blade and how graceful she seemed while fighting. It was one of the first few times she was truly laughing as he paid her the compliments, “My trade was in dance…and landscape art, but mostly dance,” she explained to him and the kids began to yell for them to go again.  

Mol pushed off the fence and handed over a canteen of water, “I’ve been watching him. He feints left and hits on his right…and when he thinks you're going to lunge he bounces.” Vesper’s brows knit together as she took the canteen and she nodded, “I’ll remember that…” The sparring partners faced off again, their companions coming up to watch now. She heard Shadowheart and Astarion talking about bets and raised her brows to Wyll, he laughed and bowed his head before taking his stance again.

This time around she watched for his tells, Mol was right, if she attempted to lunge it was as if Wyll could read it and would bounce just a hair on the balls of his feet. If he moved to hit at her left she lunged in that direction and was able to tap at his armor twice, “Impressive Vesper,” he called out to her as their blade met closely, “who told you?” She grinned and hummed before shaking her head, “Can’t tell you. I made a friend,” she brought both shoulders up just a hair before leaping back and spinning before holding her blade out, tucking her arm to her side.

The monster hunter chuckled and laid his rapier to his side, “I give, I give…I think you’ll do alright if it comes to it.” There was a loud boo from behind the children and everyone turned to see one of the adult tieflings laughing, “Don’t let her win, Blade of Frontiers!” A couple of the kids joined in and Vesper’s jaw dropped, “It’s supposed to be a friendly sparring match!” Astarion called from the other side, “No, I’ve got five gold on Wyll…I need to see the end of this. Don’t forfeit, I’ll never forgive you.” 

“Who did you get to make a bet with you?” asked Karlach with wide eyes.

Mol grinned, “She’s going to kick his butt!” indicating she was, in fact, the one the vampire had made the bet with. Wyll sighed and looked to Vesper, “What do you say? Shall we give them a show?” He was relenting because of her heaving breath, it had been ten years since she fought with a sword and ten years since a long night of dancing. She didn’t have the stamina to keep up with him but as she looked at all of them and then back to Wyll she lifted her blade and spun it until it stood straight in front of herself, “There’s gold involved, Wyll…I think we have to.” Wyll lifted his own blade, his own breathing much steadier than hers and he nodded, “Very well. Have at you ‘foul drow,” a bunch of people, including Vesper, groaned before he lunged forward.

“I think that one might have hurt my tadpole,” said Gale as he leaned against one of the barrels.

More barbs were thrown back and forth during this one, Astarion cried foul a few times, “She’s casting vicious mockery!” But he had no proof other than the faces that Wyll kept pulling to her bad puns, he said nothing about the terrible puns that Wyll flung around though. 

The fight ended when Wyll began to take pity on the tiring dancer, twice she had to be pushed back into the fight by their spectators and he had been just about to ask her to forfeit when she made to lunge, he bounced backwards, and she dropped to knock his feet from under him as he came down. She had the point of her blade at his throat as soon as he opened his eyes, “Did I win?” There was sweat pouring down her face again but she was smiling down at him. 

It was as close as the blade had come to skin the whole fight. The two managed to just whack each other on the side or tap each other’s torso with the tip of their rapiers. Wyll, from the ground, began laughing and held up his hands, “I yield!” 

Once he said it, Vesper dropped her own weapon and collapsed next to him. She could hear the voices of the others as they dispersed and closed her eyes as a shadow was cast over her, “I wasn’t aware you were trained in swordsmanship,” she heard Gale say and waved her hand, “Trained…play at,” she opened her eyes to look up to the wizard. “There’s not really money to be made in sword fighting unless you’re a mercenary or paid to entertain people. My mother wouldn’t have heard of it, I learned while my brother’s friend was taking lessons. He taught me, my brothers Vale and Perris, and my sister Nelly. Told us it helped him learn the proper moves and etiquette.”

From her place on the ground she could see Wyll’s hand raise as he said, “None of the etiquette stuck, by the way, you’d be heavily reprimanded if you had a proper instructor.” She snorted once as she laughed, “If I had a proper instructor I think you would have won!”

Gale held his hand out to her and she pushed it towards Wyll’s waiting hand, “I’ll get myself up in a moment. My shoulders are hurting.” When Wyll stood over her, he was gritting his teeth, “Sorry, Vesper…I didn’t think it would irritate your injury since it was your left shoulder.” A thought ran through her, they don’t know it's attached to her. She had told Shadowheart about the injury but not that the stitches were run through her skin. A relieved smile flitted over her features, “I’m fine, Wyll, I promise.” When the two men stepped away she rolled onto her hands and knees and stood, Astarion stood at the gate still watching them go, “You could have said you were a decent fighter. I wouldn’t have lost my gold to that little devil child.”

The bard was still grinning and she tilted her head, “Perhaps you’ll learn not to place bets when you don’t have all the information.” She was still a bit breathless and leaned against the unstable fence. A wet rag was laid over her head and she looked up as she lifted her hand to put over it, “You’re a mess,” Astarion said to her before holding out his hand, he had more berries in the palm of his hand, “Halsin took Karlach and I hunting earlier. Showed us a couple of places that were good for hiding, I found these. You seemed to like them.” She looked up at him and smiled softly before taking a couple from his hand, “Thank you, Astarion. That was kind of you,” her head was tilted. While she popped the washed berries into her mouth she felt Astarion quickly grab her right hand, the one she’d just finished holding a rapier with. Unwrapping the day-old bandage he turned it over and pulled at her thumb. 

Oh.

His kindness was guilt. She let him turn her hand over before he dropped it and cleared his throat, “I just want to…thank you,” he said softly even though they were standing alone there were still people walking about the area. She stepped closer and he dropped his chin a little until she was just a hair's breadth away from his shoulder, “In two hundred years, I’ve only ever fed on beasts…drinking the blood of thinking creatures is a different thing entirely.” She looked up at him before reaching for another berry still held in his hands, he lifted his palm and held it open for her, “I have to admit…you were my first.” Vesper choked and Astarion turned quickly, his nose wrinkling at the sound of her coughing. “Get a hold of yourself, Vesper, really,” he huffed as she grabbed for the canteen that Mol had left behind and drank trying to clear her throat.

“First?” she said as she lowered the canteen, her voice was hoarse from choking and he nodded, “Not so loud, but…yes.” He began to explain a little bit of his past, how he’d been turned after being attacked by a group of Gur by a man named Cazador Szarr. She could tell he was amused by the fact the name was foreign to her. At some point the two began walking, not to anywhere in particular but she noticed he’d get cagey as people would pause near them to rummage through crates or would simply walk by. They ended up in the place where she had met Alfira for the first time.

“About yesterday,” Astarion said as she settled on the ground next to the stool he had quickly seated himself on. Vesper was looking out over the grove and she turned her head, “Hmm?” Astarion looked from her to past her, “You didn’t want to take that ‘penance’ did you?” There was a piece of Vesper that told herself to come clean, that she only did it to please him because he told her that she had better not say no. But another piece…the piece of her that still had dreams of hornets, that still cried when she saw little female toddlers, that piece and wondered if the man’s technique would work. The bard pulled her knees to her chest and she lay her cheek against them, “Well…yes and no. He wasn’t wrong, I have things I blame myself for…things that blame was laid at my feet for. However, I don’t enjoy being in pain,” she grimaced, “at all, but I wondered if it would work. If it would make the guilt stop.”  

She looked up into red eyes that were staring down at her, “Did it work?” he asked, his head slightly lifted. Vesper swallowed hard before she shook her head, “No…it just hurt. It didn’t take anything away.” 

His eyes turned away again and they found a companionable silence. The wind blew in and she adjusted her seat on the ground, “It won’t be safe for you to go hunting tonight,” she said and lifted her head to him, “if you wanted to feed on me tonight you can.” His head quickly turned and he regarded her with surprise, a laugh left him and he shook his head, “You’re sweet to offer,” his eyes fell to her throat, to the collar peeking out under her armor, “we won’t get any privacy here though. The druids would grow a tree just to have a stake to ram through my ribs.” The bard winced at the thought, “What if we went to the beach? Where we saved Mirkon?” 

“Who?”

“The boy with the harpies!”

“Oh!” Astarion thought for a moment and nodded, “That could work. Are you not scared to be alone with me the night before a big battle?” Vesper laughed and shook her head, “If you wanted me dead you could have drained me in the underdark and told the others you couldn’t get to me in time. You could have killed me before Gale found us and said I died and you were bringing me back out of a sense of guilt. I trust you, Astarion.”

There was a smile on his face as he looked down at her before he tilted his head and looked away, “Very well, then after all the others prepare for bed I will come for you and we shall have a moment alone.” He looked towards the sea before standing, “If your stomach growls one more time I’m going to kill the bear down there. Let's find you something more than berries for lunch.” 

Karlach and Wyll shared the afternoon with the rest of the companions. They were up on the wall telling each member of the party where they would be standing, it was a simple plan. A feather fall spell to get Astarion and Karlach onto the ground safely so they could be in melee range while any spell caster stayed far enough from the edge that if Minthara and the goblins tried to knock them off the wall they would be safe. They set their smoke powder satchels along the wall to be used by anyone who could grab them, Gale confidently telling them he would be able to cast Fireball at least once during the fight. 

The tiefling volunteered for watch duty the night on the wall, Shadowheart agreed to join her while the others rested. As the evening progressed, Vesper watched the older druids usher the children, both druid and tiefling alike, into the inner part of the grove and smile. Kagha, for all her griping and bellyaching, was even helping–though the bard wasn’t sure how much she could be trusted. Twice she caught the redheaded druid and Master Halsin yelling at each other, the venom they spat at each other made her pause both times until someone came round and roused her from her fear-stricken place on the ground. The last time it had been just before everyone was bedding down, tension was still high and rising as dawn crept closer and closer, and as she tried to leave the inner sanctum of the grove to make her way down to the waterway, she came face to face with Kagha and Halsin’s argument. 

The First Druid had his back to Vesper as his voice raised, and the bard tried to skirt around him, “To think, one of our own, a member of our circle has less of a heart than a drow!” The statement made her pause and she looked up at his face, Kagha, seeing the smaller elf behind the first druid laughed, “Her? A drow?! If she were, she would have agreed, outsiders have no place in this sacred grove, perhaps you don’t either, Halsin! You have invited a war party to our gates at the behest of these interlopers!” Why were they including her in their argument? Why do this just before everyone needs to rest? Vesper’s teeth found purchase on the inside of her cheek as she ducked her head and tried to move around them, “Oh no, little ‘drow,’” she heard Kagha say, she drug the term out as she said it, “don’t you try and sneak away. You hold so little thought for those who live here that you would put our lives in danger. For a bunch of foul-blooded–” 

“That is enough!” Halsin was practically roaring as he stepped up to Kagha, she did stop speaking though, “I am still First Druid, Kagha, you are no more but a novice anew.” The wood elf’s voice lowered once Kagha backed down, her chin was still raised, but her eyes lowered to the ground, “I made the choice to bring the fight to our gate because I believe that we are strong enough with the Oak Father’s blessings to fight back a singular leader and her savage little goblins. If you think so little of your own circle perhaps it is time we find you a new home…and that goes for any who wish to join you.” 

Vesper looked up and saw several of the other druids were watching the argument go down. She hadn’t noticed the audience before, among those standing she saw Gale and caught the wizard's eye. He must have read her plea for help on her face, perhaps their tadpoles connected once more, he was walking forward and around the druids until he put a hand on the small of her back and began to lead her away from the confrontation. 

“Ignore her, Halsin’s right he agreed to the plan–even if he wasn’t the one to come up with it,” Gale whispered to the bard as they walked away from the inner sanctum’s door. He led her back to the area they had been given to rest in, “It’s a good plan,” he said as he waited for her to take a seat on one of the stone benches before settling beside her, “no matter how many people that Minthara enlists in her efforts, it is unlikely that we will be outnumbered here. Zevlor is, of course, within his right to have his worries. The people he leads are not fighters by any means, but they have heart and hope, and if you really think about it, what do we have other than those exact same things?” Vesper lifted her eyes from the ground to Gale before bumping her shoulder against his and softly saying, “Thank you. Your friends in Waterdeep are probably bereft without your words of wisdom…”

The wizard chuckled and shook his head, “Oh I doubt that, not my words of wisdom…but the friends portion of your statement. I–” he looked from her to their surroundings, “my condition led me to break away from most companionship. Left me with only my tressym, Tara, I didn’t have much beyond her once I sealed myself in my tower. You and our new companions are the first people I’ve spent an extended amount of time within the past year…” Vesper sat up straighter and reached into her pocket pulling out the ring that she’d carried for days now, “Here…your condition, it’s been a couple of days.” Her hand was held out and the ring kept in her palm, Gale looked at it and smiled fondly, “I’m not yet in need of a magical item, but,” he placed his hand over hers for just a lingering moment before picking up the ring, “Thank you for thinking of me.” 

“You must have been lonely, with only Tara,” Vesper said after a few moments. She could understand being isolated, for two years she’d been left alone unless Issac wanted her to ‘entertain’ people. Then she had her babies and wasn’t alone for four years, of course, the moment that Carwyn could walk and talk Issac began to turn their son against her and she was alone again. Gale nodded, “I had colleagues from the academy and correspondence with others from long far away, but it wasn’t terrible. I must say it’s the cleanest my tower has ever been…” he was joking, his gaze shifted back to the bard and she gave him a smile even if she didn’t join in his soft laugh. “I do hope, though,” his tone became more serious as he shifted toward the bard, “that I can call you a friend…if not now then perhaps in the near–” “Of course you can call me a friend,” Vesper blurted out quickly catching Gale off guard and his face relaxed, “you’ve been nothing but kind and patient…and given that I know Shadowheart told you of my injury and you’ve not said anything…”

He nodded a smile still on his lips, “We all have our issues, our own demons to face. If I knew of a way to help, with your injury, I would have suggested it the moment I found you and Astarion in that temple. Even with my medicinal studies lacking as they are…” he trailed off and dropped his gaze. Vesper shrugged her good shoulder, “I’m used to it. Really, none of you have to worry about my broken bone. It might be the worst injury I’ve suffered but,” she paused as she considered her words, “I survived it.” Gale inhaled deeply and turned his head to regard the bard, “And you spoke so highly of my own words of wisdom. I think I might be a touch inspired by that ‘I Survived’ bit. Would you care if I stole that one day?” Vesper shook her head, “By all means, you may have it,” she replied with a grin. Looking at the grove she realized Halsin and Kagha had separated now, neither was in her line of sight and others were putting out the torches and extinguishing fires. 

It was agreed that everyone would be up before sunrise for their final preparations and to get into position. Gale too took notice of those around them and patted the bard’s hand as it now rested on the bench, “I think that’s our signal to go to bed. I know elves don’t need to rest as much as the rest of us but try not to stay up too late. Sunrise will be here before anyone is ready.” He stood and stretched before walking toward his bedroll, Vesper watched him go, watched as he lay down, and pulled his spell book from his bag to begin studying. She wondered for a moment if that was how he fell asleep every night, reading from a book. 

The bard rolled her neck from one side to the next, stretching her own limbs before standing and leaving the circle to walk down to where they had defeated the harpies. It was pitch dark down here, only the glow from the waxing–or was it waning–moon providing a dim white light to guide her dark vision. It was earlier than either she or Astarion had agreed to meet but down here was a near perfect spot to practice meditating. 

The sounds of the river made for a beautiful and peaceful background as she settled on one of the red rocks where they had saved Mirkon. The bodies of the harpies had been washed away in the weeks since she was last down here, or perhaps some grove member had found the bodies and laid them to rest. Either way, it was quiet and peaceful as she crossed her legs and placed her hands on her lap. Closing her eyes she tried to shut out her thoughts, her fears for tomorrow, her fears of life before the tadpole…tried to shut out her fear of the tadpole and what it could do.

Going back as far as she could in her memories she could hear her older sister, Ariane, giving instructions on her first time trying to meditate. 

“In through your nose, out through your mouth, just like that Birdie…focus on your breathing. Fill your belly with each breath in.”

Back then she’d been told to push Ari’s hand with each breath in, now Vesper placed one of her own hands against her belly and focused on the movements.

“Think of each part of your body, wiggle a toe, twitch your foot, it’s alright. Our bodies are meant to move, you won’t be in trouble if it moves on its own. Accept it and move on…”

Her left shoulder twitched causing her to remember the instruction, she winced and tried to remember if she’d been told how to deal with pain.

“Breathe through it, I know it hurts, Birdie. Meditation can be healing just breathe. We know the pain is there, we won’t ignore it but we’re going to breathe…in as it throbs, out as it passes.”

Right. Right, she could do that too. 

“Silly Songbird, you have to empty your head of thoughts. Think it. Accept it. Move on.”

Think, accept, and move on.

Blank her mind.

Vesper focused on her hand again, breathing in through her nose and out from her mouth. Eventually, even the sound of the water faded, there was peace in the silence she found. More peace than she’d been afforded in years, she could have gotten lost in it if it wasn’t for the hand that was now shaking her arm, “Vesper?” The bard inhaled sharply and tried to push away but the hand holding onto her held tight, “Whoa! It’s me, it’s Astarion…” his hold on her arm fell to her wrist as she tried to push away from him. He held onto her tightly as she turned and looked to her other side, if he let go she was going to fall into the water. Shakily she exhaled and followed the tug he gave until she was sitting up straight again, “I’m–”

“Don’t apologize,” he said softly before climbing up to sit beside her. “I wasn’t aware just saying hello would frighten you so badly,” his head tilted as he regarded her. She avoided his gaze and looked out to the river before lifting her arm toward him. “I was thinking,” he said as he adjusted his position next to her, “I could remove that collar–ah, don’t interrupt. I could remove this collar,” his finger edged along the top of her armor near her throat, “and bite here. Not that your hands and arms aren’t absolutely delightful, but they are rather…” he clasped a hand around her wrist, his fingers easily wrapping around it, “thin–fragile.”

“It can’t come off,” she said without looking at him. “Just a tug and I’m in pain. These far ends–,” her free hand came up to touch her opposite shoulder, “they used to be attached as well but the stitches broke. I–” she inhaled shakily and shook her head before looking at Astarion, “Please don’t ask me to…” If he asked she’d give in. If he made this something he really wanted she’d bite through the pain. Thankfully, Astarion nodded and reached for the clasp on her padded armor, “Sleeve off then, my only other offer would be your thigh but I don’t think even we are that close yet,” he was trying to lighten the mood as she pulled off one side of her armor.

A shiver ran through her at the thought though, none of the men had wanted to have their heads near her thighs. She knew that even now the skin there was pecked with yellowing marks, finger gouges from the last time she’d had to ‘pay’ a debt for Issac. She heard Astarion talking to himself, or at least she thought it was to himself, she heard words like ‘eat’ and ‘iron’ but her thoughts kept flitting back to the past. Vesper felt an arm slide around her back and stiffened before turning to look at Astarion who was leaning down, his nose resting against her shoulder, “We have an audience…let them think it’s a midnight tryst.” She lifted her head and turned half her body to see a figure at the top of the path before they turned and walked away, “They’re gone…” 

Astarion lifted his head and looked in the same direction before lifting her hand in his grasp, “These tight quarters leave me little time to savor the taste, we had better make this quick then. Tell me about yourself, little bard, perhaps if we get another voyeur they’ll just think I’m buttering you up.” He flashed her a smile that glowed in the moonlight before he turned her hand placing her palm against his cheek and turning his head to bite into the awkward angle of her forearm. 

His willing prey let out only the smallest of sounds and pursed her lips before she spoke, “Well…I’m one of fifteen children,” she heard what she thought was a sound of surprise, “My mother was a rather unusual elf. Multiple children within years of each other and multiples for some pregnancy, myself included. We were poor so as soon as we could, we were all put to work.” Vesper felt Astarion’s hand creep up her back into her hair and the pressure made her head move until she felt the knock of his skull against hers. It was hard to focus on what he was doing at this angle, rather than try and keep watching she turned to look out to the water again and felt as his hand descended once more. 

Unlike the night before he was slower as he drank, his hand that held her arm in place massaged the muscle trying to get more blood flow.

“Most of us have a talent in the arts of some kind, all of us have a talent for petty crime,” she giggled to herself, “my twin and I compliment each other rather nicely. I would paint landscapes and he would do people’s portraits within the landscape. We made two hundred gold once off of just one painting.” He did make a responding sound this time, but she was unsure if that ‘Hnng’ was from being impressed or if he thought her adorable for finding two hundred gold to be a lot.

“As far as I knew only two of us,” she glanced at him as he was lowering her arm, a finger chasing a line of blood that rolled down her forearm, “had any magic at all. Ariane was born with scales and could do little light shows…and Valere had a lot of the same spells I do now actually.” When she made to sit up, wanting to put distance between herself and the vampire her head swam and she felt him press her back into place, her head now against his shoulder, “Give it a moment…I think our voyeur became an animal. Something’s been sniffing behind us for a minute now.” When she made to turn Astarion held fast and shook his head, “So you have a scaly sister and a bardic brother. Nothing from the others?”

She looked up at his jaw before answering, “Not that I know of. My oldest brother used to say that one of our siblings had some sort of power but I never believed him. The one he was talking about was crafty and–” she paused for a moment before continuing, “she didn’t have power. I just couldn’t believe it.”

The wind blew in, again off the water's surface and the bard shivered again. “How did you end up with this,” she felt his finger flick across the leather collar and looked up at him again, “I told you,” she said, “it’s an–”

Astarion sighed, “Hiding an injury I know. I meant how did you get the injury?”

“Oh,” Vesper considered telling him for a moment and took a chance to sit up and push away from the too-intimate embrace. The vampire didn’t stop her, “I refused a man’s advances and he didn’t like that. He bore down as he was on me and it…snapped,” she could feel it as if it happened again and lifted her right hand to cover her left clavicle. She expected a cruel laugh or some sort of tease but when she turned her eye to Astarion his face was blank, he too was looking toward the water, “I–” he started before adjusting his sitting position, “I too have had rough partners in the past. Cazador used to send me to find the prettiest souls in Baldur’s Gate, those that wouldn’t be missed of course. I was to seduce them, lure them back in, and hand them over. Unlike you though, I could heal myself rapidly, something that I no longer have thanks to our wriggly little stowaway.”

His eyes turned and caught her looking at him before she could look away. The silence between them was awkward for a moment before he straightened his back and turned again toward the water, his leg coming from behind her and he was finally not touching her. 

“He made you bring people back for him?” her voice was quiet, aware of the possibility of one of the druids listening. He nodded, “If he was pleased with who I brought he would invite me to dine with him. If I agreed he would serve me a dead putrid rat…if I declined he would have me flayed. Hard to know which was worse when it was time to make the decision.” The bard grimaced and she heard a soft chuckle, “I’m not trying to say what I went through is worse, but rather…I can understand clinging to something that you feel protects your scars.” He looked down at his simple cotton shirt and then back up to her, “My doublet is still in my tent…after I dug my way out of my grave it was the last thing I was ever given. I even had to earn the needle and thread needed to repair it.”

She nodded, “Then consider it preserved. Saved to not have to be repaired anymore,” her voice was still soft but it held a little more confidence than before. “I have a similar–had a similar outfit. It’s long gone by now I’m sure. It was the last thing I had of my sister’s before I was given to Issac.” Astarion lifted his chin and she turned to look at him while his eyes darted around, “Come,” he turned and slid off the rock waiting for her to slide off as well. When she fell into step beside him, he crossed his arms, “Who is Issac?”

“Husband, bastard,” her worst nightmare if she were to be honest. Astarion paused in his step before clearing his throat, “I heard Wyll call you a mother before but I hadn’t realized you were married.” She nodded, “My eldest brother lost a card game and had thrown me into the betting pool, Issac told me that I was to be his wife and carried me away one night. I never saw my family again.”

They were nearing the entrance to the center of the grove by this point, in the distance she could see those keeping watch as they walked over the gate and the surrounding areas. “Do you think we can do it?” she asked the man who had also paused next to her, he was following her line of sight before looking back to her, “Well…if it looks like we’re going to die you’ll know my opinion. I’ll be yelling at that drow it was all your idea and ‘Praise the Absolute,’” he said while her jaw dropped before he laughed and placed a hand to his chest, “If I didn’t think we had a chance I would have already been following those goblins. I don’t believe it will be easy, we will probably see some die, might even lose Gale, but…” his answer lingered between them before he made a noncommittal noise and walked toward their bedrolls.

Vesper knew that they weren’t close but she had assumed that perhaps he thought her a little more valuable than to just throw away if the tides of war shifted out of their favor. If that was the case then maybe she wasn’t as safe with him as she first believed she would be. Food was replaceable, she needed to be something more than just a mobile blood source if she wanted his fangs to protect her. Or maybe, she looked at the others as she approached them, no. No Vesper couldn’t do that to Gale or Wyll, Wyll was trying to help her set up her own defenses and Gale, though he had come to her rescue, would most likely be laughed at if Issac were to pop up somewhere to reclaim her. She had little doubt about the wizard’s magical prowess but she’d seen how difficult it was for him to move overloaded crates. 

While she laid down and once again tried to meditate her thoughts shifted to either Karlach or Shadowheart. Vesper didn’t know what it was that either woman wanted but maybe it would be easier to get them on her side. Never had Issac shown fear to women, but Karlach was truly a sight to behold. Her last thought as she fell to sleep, not into an easy meditation, was of Karlach burying that great axe of hers into Issac’s head. Despite the blood and viscera, it was a pleasant image.

─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

They were alive. 

They were bleeding but alive.

Vesper lay on the ground her chest heaving with each breath she took, but it was easier to lay on the ground and try to breathe than fight through the clouds of gray smoke, her arms were stretched on either side of her and she felt fingers and claws against the tips of her own fingers, the contact made the bard turn her head and she saw Lia lying just an arm's length away with blood running down the side of her face. Rolan and his siblings had stayed because of her convincing, they fought because she asked them to stay, and she didn’t want anyone to be lost. Rolling onto her knees the bard crawled until she could put a hand on Lia’s face and she muttered the incantation to cure the tiefling’s wounds. 

The once clear morning began to darken, and both bard and tiefling looked up to the sky, clouds were gathering before the skies opened and rain began to pour. No one ran, for a moment it seemed like everyone paused in their hurry to heal or to get beyond the gate. Halsin and another druid stood on either side of the bridge she was kneeling on, both had their hands in the air and she noticed how the rain clouds would move when they either adjusted their stance or directed their arms. They were pushing the clouds to the fires that had been started by the wine barrels and the smoke powder bombs, the rain washed away the grease from in front of the gate, it even provided easement to those who opened their mouths to clear their throat of the smokey environments.

Vesper looked away from those around her to help Lia sit up and then stood with the other woman as they began to look around. Thunder rolled as the moving clouds passed one another and Vesper began to look for her companions. From atop the gate, she first saw Astarion as he stood over Minthara, pulling items from her pockets and even removing her armor. The druids who could wildshape had hidden among the flora surrounding the area and ambushed Minthara’s army from behind, making a perfect distraction while those above the gate through the smoke powder bombs and waited. Surprisingly many of the close combat tieflings had been with the rogue and the barbarian as the fight began, they had each followed behind as the two jumped from the top of the wall and into the fray.

Astarion had exposed himself as a vampire when he managed to get behind Minthara and drain her for the last of her life, even with the rain falling on him, she could make out the staining blood on his chin. From her left, Vesper heard her name being called and went running, Gale had been caught by one of the explosions and was resting against a boulder with Wyll hovering over him offering healing potion after healing potion, “The bleeding has stemmed but he’s still having difficulty bleeding,” the Blade told her and Vesper nodded concentrating her healing magic to the wizard’s chest. She had managed to use little more than cantrips and her crossbow during the fight, pecking at the goblins from a distance or becoming a distraction when one of their heavy hitters tried to attack someone on their side.

Gale opened his mouth to speak but began coughing, “Relax, Gale, you just keep healing. I’m going to find Shadowheart, hopefully, she’ll have some restorative spell prepared just in case.” Wyll clapped a hand against Vesper’s back as he stood and raced off for the far end of the small battlefield. The skies were darkening even more and she worried she’d have to guide Gale to the druid’s sanctum in the dark before a light began to dance around her, and then another, there were more people coming to help. A druid dropped to one knee beside them and waved her hands off as they began asking Gale questions, when Gale coughed again instead of answering the druid nodded, “We’ll take him inside and have Nettie take a look. The summoned storm is taking a mind of its own, best help the others in if you can, Miss.” She nodded to the dark skinned man and ran down the hill and across the smaller wooden bridge. The Gate to the grove was held open now as the injured the uninjured combatants were being carried through. 

She waited for two stretchers to pass before running out the gate and nearly slipping in the mud into Karlach, “Whoa, soldier! There’s some more this way but I can’t grab’em without hurting them. I was on my way to get Halsin, Astarion’s getting ready to drop them a rope.” A voice behind the bard has them both looking up or turning toward the archdruid, “I am here, show me where I’m needed.” They ended up tying the rope around a wildshaped Halsin who dug his paws into the dirt as he walked away from the cliffside where two allies had fallen during the fight. Karlach and Vesper weren’t much help, one because of her injury and the other was worried she’d set fire to the rope rather than be of any actual help. Others came, druids wildshaping into strong animals to help pull and tieflings running to grab onto those that had fallen over. 

Once everyone was safely back inside the walls of the grove she heard a chanting from above and turned to look at the First Druid. “In the event we did not kill all the goblins,” he explained as he pushed his hair from his face, “the illusion should make it look as though the grove was never here. I’m sorry to say you are all our hostages for the next night cycle.” 

She would have been worried if it wasn’t for the playful smile on his lips. At least, she thought it was playful…it was a smile at least.

Karlach laughed, “I don’t think you’ll hear many complaints out of us…maybe out of Astarion since he can’t be in his tent though.” The rogue huffed but even he was still taking refuge from the rain under the man made wooden bridge, “Far be it from me to enjoy my own creature comforts.” Karlach grinned wider, “Yeah…creature alright. You owe me a story about them fangs now, friend. C’mon you two, I haven’t seen the others since I jumped from the wall.” Vesper’s eyes grew wide, “Gale! He got caught in a blast and is having trouble breathing!” She was running as she yelled, her feet slipping twice once on the run up the hill into the safety of the stone ceiling and then again as she slipped and slid down bumping over the steps into the main circle.

“Careful girl!” she heard a voice and looked up to Jeorna, the druid that had barred them from entry to begin with. Now the woman had a smile on her face, “These stone floors can be mighty unforgiving during a rain storm.” The druid offered her hand, but Vesper stood up on her own, “Thank you…I’m just worried. My friend,” she didn’t get to finish the thought as Jeorna pointed toward the sanctum doors. “Everyone’s gone inside or is getting in there. Injured are in the innermost part, don’t mind the drow.” Vesper thanked the druid and jogged for the stone door, she could hear the healers yelling and even the tieflings were quick on their feet. As she walked in she called out for her wizarding companion but the din was so loud she could barely hear herself. Thunder cracked as the door opened again and she felt a wet hand touch her elbow, “Where is he?” it was Shadowheart’s voice as she scanned the crowd. 

Much of their late morning and afternoon was chaos. They would find Gale and lose Karlach or Wyll, find one of the others, and lose Gale. Things were only just beginning to calm down when she realized that Astarion hadn’t been seen or mentioned the entire time. Shadowheart had finally been able to get all of the tadpole'd companions into the same area, Gale resting on a stone bed while Karlach and Wyll sat together on another one. “Where did Astarion go?” she asked the group and they all looked at her before Shadowheart began looking around, “I’m not certain but then again I’m also not certain this is even an area that a vampire should be with all the blood spilling.” Gale nodded in agreement while Wyll looked troubled, “I had thought it was possible, his pallor and those scars he thought he was hiding on his neck…I just didn’t want to believe it.” Vesper looked at Wyll, remembering he was a monster hunter at that moment and fear struck through her, “He was ready to tell all of you. But with everything happening so quickly he hadn’t been able to yet.” Karlach’s eyes narrowed as she tilted her head in thought, “You knew, Ves?” The bard gave her a nod, “He asked if he could have some of my blood once we landed in the underdark.” 

Gale sat up quickly, “And you agreed? He could have killed you!” He gripped his head before falling back as carefully as he could and continued, “I realize that he didn’t, of course, but you must have known the danger you put yourself in by agreeing to his request.” Vesper’s chin dropped and she nodded. There was something about Gale’s lecturing tone that reminded her of her older brothers at times. Wyll was watching her too, “Your hand?” Vesper looked up and was quick to lie, “No! No, I hurt it during my fall. I know how dangerous it could have been but I trust him. He could have killed me and said he didn’t reach me in time. He could have not jumped after me at all…” Wyll nodded in agreement as he considered her words and stood, “No,” said Shadowheart, “you took a goblin arrow to your side. The antidote needs time to work. Karlach has a concussion and I’m tapped of magic. Vesper…go find the vampire, make sure he isn’t causing problems. He drank a lot of that drow woman’s blood.” 

As Shadowheart grew silent she winced and covered her wounded hand with the other, “Go on.” Vesper nodded and left the sanctum. She found Astarion near Zevlor’s commandeered office, where those human mercenaries had been before they left. He was alone, sat in the corner, and as she neared he just watched her. “Are you okay? I can still heal you if you,” he held up a hand that was bloodied and Vesper rushed forward dropping to kneel beside him, “You didn’t say anything!” Her hands hovered over the wound and he gave a tense chuckle, “I thought perhaps killing the drow would have stemmed the bleeding. But pulling those people up from the cliff's edge…it reopened. This is what I get for trying to be a hero,” he winced as she deftly untied the side of his leather armor and unbuckled the belt so she could get closer to the wound. “I left all my potions in the inner sanctum,” she said to him as her hands touched against his skin. For a moment she felt him jerk away before he relaxed. She had expected his skin to be cold but perhaps for once she was colder than him considering the slight warmth she could feel in his skin. 

“Vesper,” he strained to say and she lifted her head to look up at him, his chin jerked behind them, Halsin was nearing their corner. Potions in his hands, “The others are worried about having a cursed man in our circle,” he set the tray of potions on the table in front of Astarion and sat down, “you’ve been doing quite a lot of healing, Vesper, when you’re ready I can assist as well. Drink these, the green is for infection of the blood, the clear is an antidote to most poisons, and the red, of course, is a healing draft. I’m unsure if that woman was like her kin who regularly imbibed poisons.” Astarion leaned across the table and picked up the potions indicated by the druid and gave them a sniff before he drank them. Between what Halsin provided and Vesper’s spells, his side was magically stitching back together. When their eyes met she gave him a smile that was reciprocated with the smallest quirk of one side of his mouth before he reached to help her into a chair.

“Do you want us to leave?” she asked Halsin as she settled into a chair near Astarion. The rogue held the clear potion in his hand before turning it up and waiting for the druid’s answer, “I cannot be certain that you will be safe for the night. But after what you all have done I am loath to make you leave while your friends are still healing.” Vesper turned to eye Astarion before she looked back, her hands were off the table and in her lap, twisting as she spoke to this authority figure, “They didn’t know. They found out with the rest of you, I’m the one who hid it.” She looked at the blonde beside her again and tilted her head, “We could leave. Return to our camp so that everyone else was more comfortable.” Halsin looked between them, it didn’t seem like he was happy with the answer but stood and motioned for them to follow him. He led them through the makeshift jail area and leaped to a door in the back of the grove, “If what you wish to do is leave I can lead you through this area. You will need me to go with you through here at least, by my order the grove defenses won’t attack you. Do you wish to return to your camp?”

His question wasn’t asked toward Vesper but rather Astarion who held his side still as though it still ached. The vampire looked from the door to Halsin, then to Vesper beside him, “You should stay,” he told her but she shook her head. “It isn’t safe to travel alone and you still seem to be in pain…I won’t bother you in camp,” his jaw clenched as she answered him and he nodded, “I’d rather not sleep where people can bite my head off without trying. Let’s go then, Bear.” Halsin chuckled at the moniker but nodded and waved his hand over the door. 

He led them through a dry path of the grove they hadn’t seen before. There was a dead halfling on the ground and three dead goblins each with hot scorch marks on them, “The defenses at work.” She heard Halsin mutter to them as he stepped over the bodies and led them up the stairs. He paused at statues waving his hand toward them and she saw the eyes stop their glow. Once at the door, he again muttered something under his breath and a hidden door opened, “Wait,” Astarion said and fished something out of his pocket.

“That Kagha has been speaking with someone, we hadn’t had a chance to get down there yet but you might want to send someone to have a look at this tree beyond the dock?” Astarion offered a folded letter he’d stolen from Kagha’s things during their first meeting. The others hadn’t approved of his methods but agreed they needed to check it out. 

Halsin took the letter and read it briefly before he sighed heavily, “Thank you. Zevlor wanted to speak with you before you left, but I will direct him to one of your companions before they leave in the morning,” he gave them a solemn nod and looked out into the rain, “the creek will be a bit more rapid than normal so be careful. I don’t know where you make your camp but when this is all done I wish to speak with you again,” he looked at Vesper this time who nodded. “Tell the others to mark it on a map for you,” she said before looking at Astarion, “We should go before the storm becomes worse.”

Neither had a hood nor cloaks to cover themselves as they left. Over his shoulder, Astarion carried a bag that wasn’t his own or Vesper’s but she didn’t question where he’d gotten it. They jogged away from the grove and made for camp. Perhaps the storm had truly only been summoned from the druid’s powers because as the two left the grove’s area the rain was dying down until it eventually ended. 

Once back in camp, they separated. Vesper let Astarion do whatever he needed to do while she found some rope and set to making a drying line. She took off her armor and threw it over the rope before stepping back and dropping to her bedroll. “Shouldn’t you dry your other clothes as well?” she turned and looked up to Astarion who was wearing his doublet and trousers again as he too walked up to the rope to hang his clothes up. “If I had any others I would…” she admitted as she looked at the fire and sighed. Astarion turned around with a cheeky smile, “You could run around in your underclothing…I wouldn’t tell the others.” He raised a brow and for once his teasing didn’t cause a pit in her stomach instead, she laughed and shook her head, “If I had any, maybe.” 

“What?” Astarion lifted a brow and stepped closer. The drow was back on her hands and knees throwing wood onto the fire pit they used in camp, “I said if I had any. These pants are so tight I couldn’t really wear anything and well…” she sat up and held out her arms. The leather shirt she wore practically had no middle, it was held together with half a metal ring that could slip at any given time if it wasn’t so tightly bound, “so I just don’t wear any.”

She watched for the rogue’s reaction but he just looked her over before clearing his throat, “Surely we have something around here. I can’t imagine those are comfortable,” he disappeared and began rummaging through the camp. He was looking through everyone’s things but was coming up with little to nothing before he ran for the chest they kept in camp. Pulling things out he pulled a robe similar to what their wizarding companion wore and walked back to her, “Go, change. I won’t peek unless you ask for help.” 

She held the robes aloft and laughed softly, “Alright then. I might as well try and bathe while I’m at it then. You stay on your side of the camp.” Astarion held his hands up, “I’m a complete innocent. I would never peek at a bathing woman.” 

They had come across no soap but with rags and a bed linen she had found she was able to decently wash off the mud and wrap herself up before dressing in the robe that the rogue had found. Vesper set herself to get the mud and blood off her pants when she heard a throat clear, “I’m finished and decent,” she called out and heard Astarion come closer, “I managed to get a deer while you were splashing around. There’s no blood left so if you could clean it for yourself it shouldn’t be that messy.” He bent down to wash his hands in the water and looked up at the bard, “You didn’t have to speak up for me. You would have been warmer in the grove.” 

“Maybe, but you didn’t leave me alone in the underdark…I won’t leave you alone now,” she said and gave him a soft smile before she scratched her nails over a difficult piece of mud.

In the distance, they heard thunder and both looked up to the sky, “You don’t have a tent,” commented Astarion before he looked at her. “I’ll steal Shadowheart’s while she’s gone. I’m sure she won’t mind.” He nodded and stood, “Hurry and make your food. What you don’t eat we’ll throw for the scavengers.” And he was gone, when she finished with her leather clothing she went to hang them up and found the rope missing. Astarion walked back into view and held out his hand, “I set it up in Scratch’s little cave. Less likely to be sopping wet by morning.”

After Astarion took her clothes from her, she found the deer just outside of camp and set to removing a portion of it for her meal. She’d cleaned game before and found ways of preserving it, but she had neither the time nor the means. She worked quickly, perhaps not as cleanly as she normally would, but she had cuts of meat to throw into the prepared pan that she’d found warming over the fire by the time she returned.

Her meal was eaten alone. Astarion disappeared again to dispose of the carcass after she had sat down to eat and as she was about halfway through the meal drops of rain began to fall into camp. Looking up she swore to herself and picked everything she had up. 

She was just climbing into the cleric’s tent when the bottom of the clouds gave way and the heavy rain began. She could barely see the rest of the camp through the heavy raindrops and just hoped that Astarion had made it back to his tent in time.

Once she was finished eating there wasn’t much else for her to do. All of her alchemy ingredients were still in the grove, in fact, all of her things besides what she’d been carrying during the fight were. So she decided to practice again. Perhaps the sound of rain on the fabric of the tent wasn’t the same as a rushing river but it was still methodical on its own. 

Vesper ran through her sister’s words again and found tranquility once more. This time there was no one to grab her, there was no one to surprise her. Just stillness and calm after the chaos of the morning.

─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

“I promised I’d be back,” the voice cut through the silence of her meditation and Vesper’s eyes flew open as she jerked upward into a seated position. She looked around, the purple skies, floating boulders, and there was the golden armored false abuser that she didn’t want to see anymore.

In this dream, nothing ached, she looked down at herself and saw the simple robes she had laid down to meditate in and sighed in relief. As she stood she watched his feet as the man turned, “Don’t worry,” he said, “I have everything under control. For now.” She hazarded a glance in his direction before quickly looking away again. He stepped toward her and the bard took a step away from him, “You haven’t been using the powers the tadpoles can give you. You think because you defeated three of the absolute’s leaders you don’t need them.  You’re wrong,” he began to circle around her and Vesper turned with him. Whether it was the face he wore or the disapproving sound, even just the fact he was a man, she didn’t want him to stand behind her.

“But things haven’t gone as you expected,” he said as he stepped closer again, watching now as she backed away from him. “Does something about me displease you?” he asked as those hated brown eyes narrowed in unease. “You have my husband’s face…” she said and took a step back again, “you have the face of the man that scares me and yet you expect me to trust you for some reason.” The figure’s face fell as his chin dropped, “I saw this face in your dreams…I had no context for who he was–”

“You saw my nightmares. That man, that face, has only ever been a nightmare.”

“I want you to trust me…” he said as he stepped forward again, “show me a face you trust…” she wasn’t sure who. Perris popped into her mind then Vale, but so did Nelly and Ariane. “I don’t know,” she said as she swallowed hard. The figure bowed his head, “I will not look this way the next time you see me, I promise you. I had thought a familiar face would bring you ease, I was wrong.” He quit advancing on her and instead gave a wide berth as he began talking about her having the tadpole removed. Telling her that it was an impossible task to complete and that the magic surrounding the tadpole would prevent its removal. 

“Until the source of the tadpole’s magic is destroyed, any attempt to remove it will kill you,” he said, he kept his back to her now but his head was turned so that he could see her from the corner of his eye. It made things difficult to judge whether or not he was being honest. “You’re lucky you haven’t attempted to have it removed,” she bristled at his words and wrapped one of her arms over herself gripping her elbow, “The parasites are merely a symptom of a greater sickness in Faerun.” 

“I thought you said you would protect me,” she said suddenly and for a moment he turned but when she flinched at his facial expression he turned away again. “I can, from transforming into a mindflayer. But that isn’t all these parasites can do, they are vessels for control. Even that drow you and your companions killed was likely not of her own mind.”  Guilt speared through her heart suddenly. Would that mean that if any of them broke away from this man's protection that they would be just like Minthara? That they would give in to Absolute’s control and be nothing but a thrall like that githyanki had first called her?

Cautiously Vesper stepped nearer to the armored dream visitor. He explained how the cult was spreading. It’s rank system and how by their own system she and her companions were at the top of the pecking order. “That’s why the goblins were so frightened,” she said as she looked out at the violet skies. They weren’t dark this time. “Yes, they recognized you as those within the leadership,” she could hear the smile without even looking. “However, when the order to transform is given, it will not be a matter of days–they will be mind flayers within an instant. Were in not for my protection, so would you,” this time her curiosity won over her fear and she turned to look at him. “How are you protecting me?” she asked.

“I have powers of my own, unique powers. But know that we are alike,” he stressed. “I have been trying to escape from this evil for a long time. Once, I almost succeeded. Now, through you,” he turned and gestured to her, “I’ve been given a new chance. You can go where I cannot. And I can protect you from that evil.”

He turned away again, pulling his hands behind his back. Perhaps she had been too hasty. By his own word he said he meant for his visage to bring comfort and now she couldn’t see a lie in his words. 

There was a crashing sound in the distance and his attention turned, “Hells. They need me, I have to go.” 

“Wait! Where do I go? How do I stop this sickness?” 

“You must go to Moonrise Tower,” he said to her keeping his face away. “There you will find the truth of the Absolute and the solution to your parasitic problem. You have to embrace your potential, use the powers your parasite gives you to convince them you are one of them. And when you find the source of their magic, destroy it.”

─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

Just like before, Vesper awoke as her body jerked upward into a sitting position. She wasn’t thrown back this time, rather the light faded from that dream place and she left her meditation unsure of how long she was under for.

There were no more sounds of rain on the roof of Shadowheart’s tent. Opening the flaps she saw the darkened campgrounds and crawled from inside. She knew from her previous conversation with Shadowheart that it was likely that Astarion also had a dream visitor that night. As she stood she angled herself and made for his tent pausing outside, “Astarion?” Vesper called to him and waited but received no answer, bending down she pulled at the simple ties he used to close his tent and peeked in.  Through the greyscale of her dark vision, she saw the rogue was still sleeping. 

She started to back away when she heard a whine come from his throat and leaned forward again, “Astarion?”

“Get away fr–” he muttered and she watched his hand twitch at his side. It was dangerous to inch into his tent like she was doing. She could feel the goosebumps rising on the back of her arms as she reached forward, her hand hovering over him, “Leave me,” he muttered again and grunted in his sleep.  

Vesper too had nightmares. She considered for a moment if Astarion would appreciate being woken from it but when another pained whine came from him, she couldn’t hold herself back, she reached forward and grabbed his shoulders, “Astarion.” Her voice was forceful as she called to him and then she shrieked as his eyes few open and one of his hands found her throat and he threw her to the ground.

He hovered over her, squeezing her windpipe tightly, “‘Starion, please!” she pleaded. 

[somethingforsenro]

i have mixed feelings on this post.

it's true that there isnt any really conclusive evidence to make it indisputably the case that callie was, in fact, kidnapped by the octarians. however, the facts of the matter as far as i know are that the artbooks are no more canon overall than the relationship chart that 'i'll hear you out' comes from. in fact, though it's been a long time now and i very well may be misremembering, my memory tells me that chart comes from a website that (though it WAS an official source) claimed agent three lost to octavio in s1 and various other demonstrably false claims, and was subsequently taken down.

now, that's not to say the relationship chart should be dismissed out of hand or considered entirely non-canon, but the same can be said of the "random blurb" from that artbook. it's all acceptable evidence, for headcanons, but it's a little sketchy to use that sort of secondary evidence as proof of canon unless it's acceptably backed up by in-game info.

and what's backed up by in-game info is that, canonically, conclusively, we have no god damn idea what actually happened to callie.

i said that i have mixed feelings, and that's true. i agree with OP that saying stuff like "callie was canonically hypnotized, callie was canonically brainwashed, callie was this, callie was that" is objectively wrong. but it's equally wrong to say "callie was NOT any of those things" because it's up to individual interpretation what narrative to believe.

i sympathize with the feelings expressed by this post. in fact, i share the headcanon that callie wasn't kidnapped, and the whole kidnapping narrative is just a series of scrapped ideas, jokes, and in-universe misunderstandings. i even share the headcanons about backup dancers and current octarian friends – i even have a headcanon about a karaoke place she's running with some of those octarian friends in my headcanons, which i can and have talked about at length many times before, albeit never here on tumblr (as far as i remember, anyway).

but, regardless of what i think of the actual point, there are things stated in this post that (despite the fact i still agree with the broader point and most of the headcanons line up with my own) i feel that i must dispute.

it's wrong, for example, that there's "no evidence" for callie being hypnotized after agreeing to join octavio. that's a perfectly valid and acceptable interpretation of the evidence we have, and if anything, it does a good job at integrating the "i'll hear you out" blurb AND the artbook stuff AND the numerous allusions to hypnotization and/or brainwashing in dialogue from marie, octavio, and other evidence (most of which was just flat-out dismissed as irrelevant or inconsequential here).

that doesn't mean that particular interpretation is the ONLY acceptable take. it's a valid take, (which this post seems to imply it's not,) but so is OP's take, and so are any number of others – because, frankly, you're allowed to headcanon whatever the hell you want, regardless of if it's actually canon accurate or not. cringe culture is dead, and i'm not your mom. i only start caring when the headcanon is presented as official or definitive.

for your consideration, then, here are my headcanons. disagree if you want, i'm just a weirdo on the internet with a hue-shifted marie splatoon pfp.

subjective reading of the lore from this point forward. i would take this part with a grain of salt.

callie does not "seem fine" in s3. she literally says at least once (in the ‘handing the treasure over to deep cut’ scene) that there's "plenty!" wrong with her, but quickly brushes it off and doesn't elaborate on it. she plays it off as a joke, but given the context of s2… it rings at least a little genuine, at least to me.

and of course there's all the sunken scrolls in s2 that show her mental health crisis, and supporting that, the squid sisters stories that released shortly beforehand, which all point towards a genuine mental health emergency before she got brainwashed. that may seem irrelevant at first, but the breakdown in question was precipitated by a prolonged isolation away from marie where they barely ever talked. does it really make sense that she would have a whole crisis about being separated from marie, and react by… isolating herself even further, repeatedly telling squidbeak to leave, and then all but attacking marie?

hypnotized or not, i really don't think that was a fully organic path she chose to take. it seems to me that her choice to "hear out" octavio happened while she was in an extremely emotionally unstable and vulnerable state. whether he used hypnosis or not to get his way, callie was in no position to genuinely agree to his "help", and the fact that he ultimately used her as a weapon against the very person she was missing so badly does NOT reflect well on octavio.

now, notice i'm using "octavio" here and not "the octarians." that's because, in this reading of events (and that's what this is, i must restate – a READING of the events, not objective canon), the rest of the octarians really did want the best for callie. the events of s2, i read, are a net positive for her mental health, but that's in spite of what she did in service of octavio, not because of it.

in other words – just because the backup dancers care for her doesn't mean octavio cares for her. and her role as a supporting villain in s2, regardless of what caused it, was ultimately octavio's doing. i don't personally think it's right to dismiss that altogether as irrelevant or non-canon just because a few octolings were nice to her.

another thing i have qualms with is the whole "bad writing" thing. there's no denying that there IS a lot of bad writing in the splatoon franchise as a whole – that's why the lore is so messy to begin with. but the way this post reads to me is that all mentions of callie being hypnotized and/or brainwashed should be dismissed as non-canon and irrelevant because it's Bad Writing and doesn't undertand what brainwashing or hypnosis actually are.

that's the funny thing, though. this isn't meant to be a documentary. it's not meant to be scientifically accurate. this isn't even the first time a nintendo property has incorrectly portrayed hypnosis and brainwashing at the same time – see mr. L from the paper mario franchise, just to name one example.

but just because it's not realistic or accurate doesn't mean it's not canon or not a valid interpretation of events. an immortal, telepathic cat isn't scientifically accurate, either, and neither is a space shuttle being sent on an interstellar voyage (or making it to the "edge of the solar system" and back in 12,000 years, for that matter…) but those details are still canon and probably shouldn't be dismissed out of hand for the purpose of maintaining a flimsy sense of realism.

now, i understand that the callie arc of s2 is at the heart of a lot of very strong opinions in this community. hell, i've already written more than a dozen paragraphs on the subject in this post alone, and i've seen long-winded posts both for and against the idea of callie being brainwashed on tumblr many times before. but would it really kill us to just accept that maybe, just maybe, it's okay to just say we have opinions and not try to argue about what is or isn't canon?

callie was kidnapped according to one canon source. callie said she would hear octavio out according to a different canon source. callie had her agent disguise sunglasses switched out for the hypnoshades in a changing room once. we don't know, man.

to make a long story short, it's a losing battle to argue about what really happened in s2. it's ambiguous, only callie knows for sure, and i think that's exactly the way the devs intended it to be.

i'll restate it, just in case: i have no problems with these headcanons or this take. i mostly agree with it, actually. i just don't agree with how it's presented.

think what you want, splatoon tumblr. just please, i beg, stop making it about what is or isn't canon, or realistic, or good or bad writing. and that last one is especially problematic to me, because it's a hair's breadth away from insinuating that anyone who believes callie was hypnotized is bad at writing, and that's just plain rude.

it's just headcanons. that's all. and that goes for all of us.

I just saw your post about the callie tattoo & her having octoling friends and i would like to add that in the splat2 final fight concept comic, one of callie's octoling dancers worries about her when her head starts hurting and even offers her water.

What's your opinion on this fun fact? Asked by the (self-proclaimed) biggest octarian fan ever

I. Love. This. Oh my god thank you for sending me this. The Octoling background dancers being cut from the final game was such a bad choice im gonna be for real.

Guys... i am telling you all. It is time for me to preach again...

CALLIE WASN'T KIDNAPPED!!! SHE WANTED TO GO THE OCTO CANYON!!! Octarians liked her being there. She missed shaven Octarians in ROTM! she took inspiration from Octarian culture for her Splatoon 3 attire. Do i have to keep saying the same shit again and again?

"But they said she was kidnapped!!!" In an artbook on a random blurb that was probably written by an intern or something.... not in the game. "But Marie-" from her perspective she would see it as kidnapping. It's Marie we're talking about here, she's known to worry about her cousin, no fucking shit she would think her enemy kidnapped her cousin. It's not what happened tho.

"But what if after Callie said she would hear out Octavio, he put the shades onto her and therefore kidnapped her?" This was a real point that I saw on a discord server and it boiled my blood. There is no evidence, you are making shit up, im sorry but that is complete bs.

Like if the Octarians truly did awful things to her then why does Callie seem fine in Splatoon 3? Why did she smile seeing DJ Octavio? Why was she okay with Octavio being at the Grand Fest? Why does she have Octoling friends then? Hmm? It's not just Marina and Shiver. She probably has a lot more.

"But! But... brainwashing!!!!!" Shhh... listen, if you read the Bomb Rush Blush mission dialogue in multiple languages on Inkipedia right now, they literally flip flop between hypnosis and brainwashing, two terms that are opposites definition wise, aka, bad writing.

Remember gamers, hypnosis is not mind control, a suggestion given to a person in a hypnotic state cannot go against their will and or consent. You cannot ask a person to murder their family while under hypnosis. That's not how it works.

I don't care that hypnosis is seen as mind control in pop culture i do not care. It's a lame ass trope to use hypnosis like that anyways, so either way Splatoon 2 is poorly written.

If you wanna use the social version of brainwashing for Callie where she learns to adopt the Octarians beliefs without any sci fi influece and she chooses to believe their ideologies, then fine, go ahead, but that word has been ruined in my brain, any time i see or hear that word now i get shivers and freak out a little. Plus Nintendo clearly went for the bullshit lame ass basic bitch ass uninteresting sci fi version.

Anyways, sorry for the ramble, if you bring up Hypno Callie this happens... I'm gonna keep rambling about this forever and ever.

Thanks for showing me that!!! Can you send me the full comic? I think that's from the Splatoon 2 octo expansion artbook yeah? I haven't seen the full fan translation of that yet and idk where to find it.

[vyl3tpwny]

volume sliders

my need for a tumblr volume slider feels like an edge case, because of the two facts of a.) i make music and usually require my monitoring to be at a certain level, and b.) i am forgetful and if that monitoring level gets changed i will often forget to change it back and then have a biased perspective of whatever im working on; — I never change any of the volume knobs on my system's end. i always rely on volume sliders for media like on youtube and twitter, especially because i tend to share my screen+audio frequently in calls & streams, so my monitoring levels wont even be parallel to what everyone else hears. i do have soundsource as a monitoring aggregate (this allows me to calibrate my headphones passively), but i dont really touch those either. occasionally i'll use it to double or triple my browser's volume so i dont have to change anything else, but i usually end up not remembering to change that a lot of the time. at the least, my browser's audio does not have to be super accurate for me to be doing my work.

at the same time though, playback controls for media seem to be really really poorly done a lot of the time. i obsess over these things and the smallest inconvenience usually pisses me off so much. recently ive been falling exhausted and upset by the issues that twitter has with its media playback. the timeline playhead is obviously very janky and rounds off to weird points. watching content longer than 20 seconds becomes a pain to scroll through if you want to. but the most damning thing is the volume slider.

i've shown this video several times on my own twitter, but this shit is unacceptably bad. this will happen to me so frequently and it will piss me off so much. lack of controls and optimization in any case just upset me, and i mean that genuinely. it's not slight annoyance, it's not light frustration; it pisses me off. my eyesight is relatively okay. my hearing is relatively okay. but if this stuff can hurt my brain this much, i can only imagine what kind of disappointment this yields in people with other accessibility needs. i shouldnt have to install some sort of app or plugin to make something work the way it's supposed to.

that said with tumblr. it really is awful theres not even the option for a volume slider. it would not be even remotely difficult to implement. but i suppose the issues are dispersed and decentralized.

now, i have a lot of problems with soundcloud's ui/ux, maybe i'll break that down sometime. but what i can appreciate is their volume slider. it really only shows up when you definitely actually want it there. it hides when you probably aren't actually tweaking it anymore. and you dont have to be super precise in order to change volume for stuff. you can see that you can kind of click anywhere nearby or slide anywhere nearby and it'll just understand what you're wanting to actually do. the fact that its so compact but also does not require precision is what makes it actually intuitive to use. another thing is the fact that it allows you to move your mouse horizontally, with great distance, means that it feels less cramped too. when dynamic controls like this force you into a narrow operating range, it feels kind of upsetting to use and a lot of people just end up opting to not use it.

ui/ux that makes you feel cramped is the worst shit ever. whats funny about this is that soundcloud's design actually feels cramped otherwise,,, but the idea is that their volume slider is at least intuitive and goes against the grain of the rest of that stuff.

anyway. i cannot adjust the volume controls from my system. it's too important for me to keep things the way they are at all times for my type of work, especially when im so forgetful. but i feel like there are lots of other people with particular use cases where a volume slider with general media is important to them too. and i feel like im not the only person that feels like they shouldnt be installing proprietary software in order to make something work the way it probably should. you know?

thanks

[tommydarlings]

𝙈𝙔 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾 𝙍𝙀𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙈𝙀𝙉𝘿𝘼𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉 ♡

These are some fanfic's that i litterilly can't get out of my head and I had to share them :) the opinion that I write under it is my own opinion! ily,liz <3

TOM HOLLAND & PETER PARKER

---

The choices we make & The choices we make 2 - @t-lostinworlds

This was the first thing that I read where I cried my eyes out. I never cried that much over a fanfic before and I think I never will. I was soooooo done after reading this. This will tear u apart, I swear... :(

lazy saturday - @ptersmj

This is maybe short, but this is one of the cutest things I ever read :) I always read it when I feel bad and it really helps, I'm so happy that I found that short masterpiece! She generally writes the cutest things ever!!!

truth serum - @ptersmj

I read this in the middle of the night and I laughed my ass of, this is just amazing!!

The fame game - Serie - @duskholland

Genuinely one of the best series I ever read. The tension, the emotions, the feelings, you got everything in there. An amazing enimies to lovers Serie by one of the best writers I know!!!

meet your match - @duskholland

This. THIS. IS. SO. DAMN. GOOD. omggg, I can't even count how many times I already read that!

Getting his fill - @duskholland

I live for dom!tom. But this is another level. When you didnt read it yet then... You okay?

adore - @duskholland

Luckily I found that when I was in my professor!tom phase, THIS IS WHAT I CALL A GOOD PROFESSOR!TOM FIC!!!

Kiss it better - @marvelousell

That's SO SO good I can't even describe it. I would say that it got a 'high' tw (trigger warning). But this another masterpiece that I already read multiple times.

Hold me - @marvelousell

Another thing with a kinda 'high' tw! But at the same time another amazing masterpiece!!! Btw, I'm kinda addicted to argument aka fighting fics recently, so when you like something like that too then is this PERFECT!

lover of mine - mini Serie - @felicityparkers

THIS IS SO ADORABLE! I love every single one of them! Another writer that I generally adore so so so much!!!

Best friends & Best boyfriend - @trashinaglass

I can't get enough of it, this is so fucking cute and heartbreaking at the same time! You NEED to read it!!!

unlawful professor - @smutsonian

Another smut that is litterilly a diffrent level of smut. This is a Peter parker one-shot but this is AMAZING!!!

Black beauty - Serie - @blissfulparker

A Serie that I already read at least 5 times and I just can't get enough of it! A beautiful koh!tom x angel!reader Serie that is just SO SO good!!!

Happiness is a butterfly - Serie - @blissfulparker

Another Serie of her that I could read again and again and again... I LOVE IT SM!

yes, professor holland - @porterporker

THIS IS JUST EVERYTHING!!! I searched sooooo long for it and I was FINALLY able to find it! YOU HAVE TO READ IT!!!

Thermometer - @hollandsimpson

A fanfic that I just recently read and I litterilly laughed my ass of, you need to read this ASAP!!!

Blow a kiss fire a gun - Serie - @hollandroos

I genuinely can't describe how good this Serie is. When i would have the chance to read only one more Serie on tumblr... Then I would choose this one! This Serie is something else, I swear. I never read something that emotional and beautiful at the same time. When you didnt read that yet then... Wow, I'm really disappointed. READ IT RIGHT NOW!!!

Run to me - Serie - @hollandroos

The sequel to 'Blow a kiss fire a gun'. THIS IS SO SO DAMN GOOD!!! I would litterilly die for this Serie. A Serie you just HAVE to read!!!

Always and forever - Serie - @maaaddiexo

Another Serie that I can't describe in words... This is just AMAZING!!! I think i've already read it about 4 times and I can't get enough!!!

Match made in Hell - Serie - @spidernerdsblog

This Serie is ongoing but this Serie is SO SO SO EXTREMELY GOOD LIKE OH MY DAMN GOD!!!

We're only kidding ourselves - Serie - @wazzupmrstark

Another Serie that I would die for... Honestly I'm not the biggest fan of long Serie's, but THIS IS WORTH THE READ I SWEAR!!!

scream in Italien - @tomsrebeleyebrow

Litterilly one of the first things I ever read and I'm SO SO SO glad that I found it again!!!

peter holland - @ollieologys

I've read this just a few days ago and I'm so happy that I found it! It's so so so sweet but at the same time kinda sad and devastating but I LOVE it!!!

---

Masterlist's

@angelic-holland || masterlist

Nearly her entire masterlist is smut. But her smut is something else. YOU HAVE TO read her smut AT LEAST ONE TIME. I already read every piece of smut from here about 10 times and I'm always so impressed like omggg.

@marvelouspeterparker || masterlist

One of the first writer I discovered and I'm so glad that I found her, her writing is SO SO SO extremely good!!! When you didn't read her entire masterlist yet then... Are you sure that you know what good fanfiction is?

@multiholland || masterlist

A writer that kinda always brings me back into writing honestly... I love her writing sm like omgggggg. Just such a pure and amazing writer!!!

@flower-cage || masterlist

This is another level of smut too... YOU NEED TO READ HER ENTIRE MASTERLIST ASAP!!! I seriously can't describe how glad I'am that I found this account!!!

@lousimusician || masterlist

One of the first writer I discovered too and I'm not complaining! :) I love her writing!!!

@waitimcomingtoo || masterlist

Again one of the first writers I discovered and definitely one of the best I know! I remember how I read nearly her entire masterlist in ONE NIGHT because I couldn't get enough!!! Definitely one if my fav's writer ever!!!

@kissedbylove || masterlist

SO SO SO GOOD omgggg. I read nearly her entire masterlist in just a few days! A writer I will always adore!!!

@spideyyeet || masterlist

When you need some good old fluff or something that just makes you smile... Here you got it!!!

@heyhihellowhatsup0 || masterlist

Another writer that I already follow for such a long amount of time! I litterilly nearly read everything on her masterlist and it's just amazing. You NEED to check her out!!!

@parkeraul || masterlist

I genuinely can't describe how much I love her ENTIRE masterlist. Everything on her masterlist is just SO SO SO GOOD!!! When you didn't checked her out yet then... You good?

HARRY STYLES

---

Carpool karaoke - @kind-heart

Already read it about 4 times and every time it gets better and better and better! I genuinely ADORE this one-shot!!!

Wish upon a star - Serie - @mysweetestcreature

I found this just a few weeks ago and I already read it 3 times. I never read something like that before but I really really really enjoyed reading that! READ IT!!!

fine line - @harrystylescherry

Definitely one of the cutest and loveliest things I ever read. This is SO SO SO DAMN pure and soft at the same time like omggg. LOVE IT!!!

five seconds - @autumn-sunflowers

I've just recently discovered that one and I'm definitely not complaining! This is sooooo sweet and pure!!!

Cup of tea - @permanentcross

I'm telling you the truth when I say that this is everything you need for the rest of your life :) !!!

Lesson learnt - @vocalharry

A one-shot that I would definitely sell my soul for. THIS IS SO SO SO GOOD! Just READ IT!!!

yes daddy I will - @floral-suits

Am I allowed to post that here? *_* THIS IS SOMETHING DIFFRENT like omgggggg. I promise you that you will LOVE IT!!!

When i kissed the teacher - Serie - @songbirdstyles

When i had to choose between this Serie or my own life, I would choose this Serie without hesitation! I already read it 5 times and I can't describe to you how much I love this Serie! READ IT ASAP!!!

Screw my brain ('till it hurts) - @songbirdstyles

I would do A LOT to read that for the first time again... This gave me litterilly GOOSEBUMPS because I couldn't handle the DAMN TENSION! A MUST HAVE!!!

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MASTERLIST'S

@and-im-okay-with-it || masterlist

THIS. THIS. IS. SO. FINE. Like so So SO FiNe!I honestly love her entire masterlist and I would litterilly die when she would delete her account!!!

@watchmegetobsessed || masterlist

I can't describe in words how much I love her. I could sit here for hours and just talk about her account... The affort that she puts in her pieces, the emotions, the fellings. It's just true perfection and I would do everything to read every single one of her works for the first time again!!!

@hes-writer || masterlist

I couldn't decide which one of her works I should put on this list, so I just linked her entire masterlist here for you. Another writer I would die for! I can't even count how many times I already cried when I read her pieces! I LOVE HER SM!!!

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SHAWN MENDES

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Sexy Playlist/Dirty Mixtape - @sauveteen

This so sweet, pretty, pure and hot at the same time, another thing that I would sell my soul too asap. PLEASE READ IT!!!

Fuck me like you hate me - @sauveteen

This killed me. This thing literally destroyed my entire body. I honestly don't know how I should describe this... THIS IS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS!!!

Arpeggio - @lonelyreputation

I read this a few weeks ago and it's definitely one of my favorite things on this Plattform! READ IT RIGHT NOW!!!

Cuts - @lonelyreputation

THIS IS SO DAMN CUTE AND PURE like omgggg. This made my heart smile i swear!!!

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MASTERLIST

@infiniteshawn || masterlist

Her entire masterlist will destroy you completely. It will blow your mind and you will die while reading it, I swear. MASTERPIECE!!!

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lil side note: Obviously I won't force you to read anything! These are my own thoughts and opinions to each fanfic! Even when you are usually just reading Tom Holland or Peter Parker, I still recommend the Harry Styles and Shawn mendes ones to you! They are really good! ily,liz <3

[jaymendell]

Best Reads of 2022

Working next to a public library has absolutely skyrocketed my desire and ability to read. Plus, getting more involved in the indie author community on twitter has helped introduce me to so many wonderful authors that I would have never even known about otherwise — and I’d love to introduce you to them as well!

In the spirit of the new year, I decided to share my list of completed reads of 2022!

This list includes so many great authors, and i highly encourage you all to check out their work! And remember to support your local library! (😉)

(oh, and i also talk about this on my writing twitter @ijaymendell for however long that place is gonna last lmao)

first up, i have to start with tumblr’s very own Catelyn Winona! (@caffeinewitchcraft)

I read both “I Reap You Not” & “Being Heroes, Being Villains” this year, and they were both an absolute delight! If you’ve read any of her work before (she has a whole bunch of great short stories on her tumblr, i beg you to check it out!), you known that this author has a great narrative voice and characters that compel me even when their actions make me wanna scream. 

“I Reap You Not” has a protagonist that i would sacrifice my life for (which she would not enjoy, but it’s the thought that counts!), and every single story in the “Heroes, Villains” anthology had me yearning for more (my favorite was ‘Mind Over Matter’!). If you haven’t read these, or her first anthology, I am holding you at gunpoint right now: do it.

Next, we have Payne Sillavan! (payne-sillavan.squarespace.com)

Payne has a huge number of books released, but what I want to focus on here is the “Toad” series! I’m currently reading book five, and it’s an incredibly fun story! Now, Payne mostly writes horror (of the cosmic variety, for the large part), which is decidedly not my thing, but the Toad series is meant for a younger audience, and it’s a perfect low-key introduction to spooky horror monsters and the kids who hunt them.

There are currently fourteen books and counting, and I highly encourage you to check them out! Pretty much all of Payne’s writing is available for free on their website, but you can also pick up a hard copy if you are so inclined!

Talli L. Morgan (@tallimorgan)

“Sweet Sorrow” is a second chance romance novella with vampires and yearning, which is just about everything that I need in a story, tbh! There’s a misunderstanding between the main couple, as there must be, but this is a separation that feels entirely earned, and only makes me pumped for the moment when they get back together!

If you need a sweet treat to pick you up after a long day, this is the romance for you!

(I’m also in the middle of reading Meliora, so no spoilers, but I am absolutely in love!)

FT Lukens (ft-lukens.com)

“So This Is Ever After” is a book I desperately wish I had written, and that’s about the biggest compliment I can give! I’m a sucker for fantasy tropes turned on their head, and this cute romance about the ‘after’ of a fantastic journey is exactly that. You can see the couple coming from a mile away, but it’s presented to you in an entirely comforting and reassuring way — you are meant to root for them as they fumble their way along, and you can bet your ass that I was there all the way!

Aiden Thomas (aiden-thomas.com)

I finally read “Cemetery Boys” after years of seeing it in the bookstore and being too afraid to bring it up to the register, and damn am I regretting that hesitation now! A wonderful pair of protagonists that welcome the reader into their romance and their culture, and I can’t wait to see what happens with their story next.

Ngozi Ukazu (checkpleasecomic.com)

Now, if you’ve been on tumblr for a while, I doubt this is news to you, but the “Check Please!” series is absolutely fantastic. Finally read the second volume this year (quite recently, actually!) and without spoiling anything, it is a perfect counterpart to the original book that allows characters to grow and settle into themselves with a happy ending that will make you tear up, I guarantee. 

Queer hockey romance with an adorable art style, what more could you ask for?

Esme Symes-Smith (@/EsmeSymesSmith on twitter!)

“Sir Callie and the Champions of Helston” is a fairytale that’s exactly what I needed as a queer kid, and right now, it hits just as good. As a nonbinary person, there were parts in this book that made me indescribably angry for all the right reasons. Callie is a fantastic protagonist that had me ready to whip out the adoption papers on so many occasions. If you have a younger queer person in your life, this book could be a wonderful addition to their bookshelf — or your own!

Martha Wells

“All Systems Red” is a sci-fi story to remember! I’ve been recommended the Murderbot series plenty of times over the years, and in 2022 I finally found out why; the bot in question, is, indeed a glorious machine of murder (and love). Perfectly inhumane, the protagonist of this book has made me laugh and cry, and I can’t wait to continue with the next part of the series.

Cat Sebastian (catsebastian.com)

“The Perfect Crimes of Marian Hayes” started out as an exception to my norm, and became a new favorite! I don’t often read M/F romances, even queer ones, but the narrative voice of Sebastian is so damn compelling. I was hooked by the first chapter, and the snarky (but not obnoxious, my main sticking point with such characters) relationship between the two leads is paired perfectly with their growing trust and respect for each other. Looking for some bisexual love in a hilarious historical romance? Well, here you are!

Janine A. Southward (Editor)

The “Silk and Steel Anthology” is a perfect collection to read on a rainy day. So many stories in this anthology made me laugh and cry and scream into a pillow. If you’re yearning for some sapphic lovers, there is no better place to look!

Lionel Hart (@/lionelhart_ on twitter!)

I bought the complete “Orc Prince Trilogy” this year, and I absolutely tore through it. Looking for a romance with arranged marriage, culture differences, and a love that transcends despite the odds? Look no further! 

Pauli Murray

I had the pleasure of visiting an exhibit about Pauli Murray earlier this year, and happily splurged to buy this poetry collection, “Dark Testament” in the gift shop. The experience of seeing a nonbinary person being acknowledged in an open, public, non-queer focused space meant more to me than anything, and hey! Poetry feeds the soul! Murray’s work is evocative, heart-wrenching and hilarious in turns. If you need some magic in your life right now, check out this book.

Diana Wynne Jones

Hilarious and insightful, “The Tough Guide to Fantasyland” tells you exactly which tropes in fantasy you should avoid, and which ones you should embrace whole-heartedly. Anything by Diana is an instant sell in my book (ha) and this is no exception. If you write fantasy, read fantasy, or once half-listened to an episode of Game of Thrones that was playing in the other room, you have to check out this book!

Tamsyn Muir (tamsynmuir.com)

Alright, I admit it. I read the first two books in the “Locked Tomb” series, and they did indeed rearrange my atoms. I really don’t know how much I can say without spoiling the experience, so I’ll just say this; if you’re interested in grungy space queers who would die and kill for each other, this is the series for you!

All in all, 2022 was a great year for reading. And in 2023, I’ll read even more! Here’s to the new year, everyone!

[cipheress-to-k-pop]

hi Rush, congratulations on 2k followers!! i want you to know that your writing is amazing, and one of the reasons why i decided to rejoin tumblr is because i stumbled into your fics :)

i’m not sure why, but i can’t put in an “under the cut” when i want to submit this ask, so i’m going to submit two. this first one is for the actual request, and the other one is just some compliments i want to give you because your works are incredible❗️❗️

ok for the actual request:

public letter is ok

gender and pronouns: female, she/her

platonic letter

character: dick grayson from YJ!

i just need some reassurance that everything will work out in the end. logically, i know that, but i’ve just been super stressed out with the end of my freshman year in uni. i’ve got pretty bad anxiety problems too so i’ve had my fair share of panic attacks these past few weeks alone.

hope i didn’t miss anything, and wishing you all the best :DD

Hey there darling! Thanks so much for entering! I hope you saw my reply on the other ask you sent! I really appreciate it!

Anyways onto the letter!

Hey there baby bird,

God I feel so stupid writing a letter when I could basically just zeta there and be at your apartment or shoot you a text but this week is a little busy for me so unfortunately for the both of us, you will not be getting a visit from yours truly so this letter will have to suffice.

But I know you're having a hard time right now so I wanted to do something special for you and take the time to write a deeply personal letter to you. I hope this will cheer you up a little.

I know that things are difficult for you right now but you've been working so hard and you've been doing so well. Your first year in university is almost over and I'm so damn proud of you. I know that it must have been hard to adjust to it but look at you, you're almost there. Your hard work is so close to paying off. And I think you really deserve a little time to yourself.

When you can, get yourself in a nice, long bath and just take the time to replenish yourself. I know it must be hard to do so without any guilt but I hope you'll at least be able to get rid of a fraction of your burdens. I love you, baby bird. If there's anyone who can do this, it would be you.

You wanna know something funny? I'm just going to assume yes and keep writing. It's that we never know how life is going to turn out. I had no idea I would grow up any where other than Haly's Circus and then I thought I would continue to be Robin, and I had absolutely no idea I would be so lucky to fall in love with someone as amazing as you.

That's the beauty about it I guess, that you never know what's going to happen and even though it feels like the hardest time, eventually a time will come when you'll barely be able to remember this.

Not to say that what you're going through right now isn't completely valid and that I completely understand where you're coming from. You remember those breathing exercises we practiced? Inhale for 4, hold for 8, exhale for 7. If you ever feel like a panic attack is coming then do this or try and spot things around you in each colour.

I know panic attacks are scary but you can overcome them, I know you're capable of more than you allow yourself to believe. Everything is going to turn out okay. Don't take life too seriously, and when you need a moment to step back and breathe then just do it, as long as it makes you feel better.

I love you so much. Please take care of yourself for me.

D. Grayson