#damn it feels like i feel all those stages of grief at once

[nouvxllev]

Hi, love your writing! I have a request where reader and Jenna are in a long distance relationship and reader decides to surprise Jenna after hearing Jenna’s been having a tough week filming or something. Just something along those lines haha

a flight away

Pairing: Jenna Ortega x Fem!Reader

Summary: ^^ request!!!

Words: 3.1k

Warnings: bittersweet

a/n: first of all,, thank you so much!!!! and second of all, ill try my best! hope this is to ur liking anon

masterlist

You didn't know what you were getting into the first thing in the morning when you checked your phone at exactly 6:34 AM.

Normally, you'd do the routine where you stare at your wallpaper (it was a picture of Jenna) for a good 20 minutes before internally dying inside because of why should she be such a hardworking woman to the point you only get to see her for about 1-2 months before leaving again, but then fall in love with her like it was the first time for that exact reason entirely.

Now, you woke up to Jenna's notifications flooding her digital face, more voicemails and missed calls rather than messages.

Obviously, you panicked out of your fucking mind.

You knew she was safe in Ireland where she was filming season 2 of Wednesday. She has more bodyguards around her than people trying to get her autograph, and she has her co-stars with her at all times.

She was safe. Safe. The word almost sounded like a prayer you repeated in your head as you eyed her messages.

You couldn't open the voicemail for the reasons that you might hear an announcement that Jenna has got into some serious shit and might need to be hospitalized and you absolutely need to be there for her right now.

But after 5 minutes of going through all stages of grief, you pressed play.

You were not expecting Jenna to outright scream at her phone in the middle of the night.

"Y/n. Y/n, I—God, I don't even know where to start with this. I'm just so… so tired. From everything, from everyone. I don't know why, seriously, I don't know why but i just—I just broke down when I came back to my apartment."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have to message you like this in the middle of the night. I'm doing well in Ireland, but I'm having such a rough fucking time in shooting every scene. It's not like I hate everyone on the set, I love them, I… I don't know."

"I need you, please Y/n. Even if it's just your voice, just please give me a piece of your presence. I need something to hold on, someone to tell me that it's going to be okay and I'll get through this. I know, it's a bit overdramatic but… I just miss you so damn much, and this distance is killing me more than ever. We haven't seen eachother atleast a year now. I'm so tired."

"Please pick up, y/n. It's selfish for me to ask, but I just want to hear you. It feels like I'm losing myself in all of this. I don't want to break down in front of everyone on set tomorrow. But, y/n. Y/n, y/n, y/n, it's so hard."

"I love you. I love you so much. So damn much, it's killing me. I miss New York, I miss our home, I miss you. I wish you were here. I'm sorry for letting you hear me like this over the phone, it's unbecoming. I love you, goodnight."

Your heart sank.

It was all too surreal, all too agonizing, like you feel bile coming up to your throat.

The daunting feeling of Jenna experiencing all of these emotions at once dragged your heart, her voice like a film tape in your mind as if were right there with Jenna in her room.

You heard her cry, you watched her curl herself up on her mattress all while she clung to her phone as if it was your hand she wished she held everyday.

You craved for the warmth of her hand, and you imagine she craves yours as much as you do with hers while you longed to be there with her, for her. To hold her close to you and offer the comfort she needed. The very touch that healed every scar, present and future, was replaced by the lifeless screen of your phone.

You were there, you swear you're there, but you couldn't do anything but listen.

On top of everything, you blamed yourself.

You called her almost everyday, the long-distance relationship being almost a mere label to the both of you.

You texted her every morning and went to bed with her every night. You were there, always. Yet, it felt like you neglected her. Like a piece of you was missing before you even realized it.

Now all you can think about are her restless nights.

The days where Jenna staged a performance with a heavy heart while you smiled with joy, the nights where you slept peacefully in your own bed while Jenna tossed and turned in discomfort in something unfamiliar, sacrificing her rest for your peaceful evenings to remain the same.

You don't know how many days she's been like this, nor do you want to know, the thought was unbearable enough.

And you almost feel bad of booking a plane ticket rather than responding to her. You were just a flight away anyways.

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Shit, her head hurts.

Hammering, actually.

Like someone cracked it open with an axe made out of obsidian right down the middle and served it to her on a silver platter.

She never should've accepted that afterparty invite from Georgie.

If she never got absolutely wasted to shots from bottles of alcohol, maybe Jenna would've had the brain capacity to curse him under her breath for being such a good damn friend.

Worst of all, she was missing someone. Horribly.

You.

Not just you, but everything of you.

Your scent, your warmth, your presence, your heartbeat against hers—a cruel reminder on how she was missing all of these.

She longed to hear the way you laugh as if you heard the funniest joke ever, the way you smile at Jenna as if she was a saint that had done nothing wrong, the way you loved her oh so dearly like she was the only person that made you crawl out of your skin in a good way.

Now it was taken from her. All of it. She felt like she was nothing without her muse, which was actually the case here.

Jenna was supposed to stay for a year with you—a whole fucking year! A whole year was watered down to a pathetic one to two months because of a change in filming schedule that Jenna had, somehow, no right to turn down.

That's not even half of the time Jenna spent miles away from you, and she couldn't even apologize properly in person since she had to depart so early in the morning.

The thought of you expecting Jenna to wake up beside you with a smile and a kiss only to be woken up with a cold bed with a note apologizing a million times made her flight to another country worse.

She would've been happier if the plane crashed then she would be begging to whatever afterlife she was in to bring her back to the living and spend her life with you.

It's gotten to that point where she looked just like Wednesday off-cam if not worse. She even almost snapped at Emma when she tried consoling her.

Now she sits in her trailer, on a chair, not with you, but with... a chair. Along with her script on a table.

Jenna tried a few lines, repeated them, tried a few lines, repeated them, and it all just comes back full circle.

No matter what she does, she still fucking missed you and wished she could just tell everyone she wanted and needed a nap along with her girlfriend by her side until it reaches winter of 2025.

She could take a nap right now, but you weren't with her. The cold surface would make you appear in her dreams like the loving parasite you are to her and she would only yearn more.

She could take a walk right now, but little ice cream shops along the way would only make her reminisce about the times you would take her out on dates every damn day like you had buckets on buckets of gold to spend it all on Jenna. She would only miss you even more.

She could talk to one of her co-stars, but they weren't you. The stupid and fuckass conversations you'd often bring up, they wouldn't do that. Even if they did, it wouldn't have the same effect.

Why did life suddenly become so difficult when she now has the most gorgeous, talented, and loving girlfriend a billion miles away from her!?

After putting her arms over her eyes, trying to calm down the impending woe and sadness she was facing, a soft knock on her door interrupted all of it.

"Jenna?" She heard Emma's voice, soft like she was hesitant to talk to her if not for Jenna responding with a hum, "we've been calling you for 5 minutes now. It's our scene."

Her voice was serious, though quiet. Or maybe that was just concern, Jenna has been distant for a while now.

Letting out a sigh, she replied, "Right, I'll be there in a minute."

She pulled herself up from the chair. She didn't really need to return to the makeup team, just thankful she didn't cry herself to death thinking about you.

She turned her back to see Emma standing in front of the door, half opened, peering half of her body, "Jenna, you know you can take a break if you want—"

Jenna only offered a weak smile, her steps matching Emmas as they walked over to set, "It's fine. Don't worry about me too much."

Her thoughts are too different from what she was saying, but it wasn't like she could say she'd rather kill herself before even stepping foot out of her trailer without seeing y/n.

"Jenna!" Tim Burton called her out, his voice calm, stretching out her name like he was going to say something completely off-guard.

The girl in question was already staring him down as he spoke, "We've got a change in script"

The girl in question was already staring him down as he spoke, "We've got a change in script. Nothing too big, just that we've added a new extra that Wednesday needs to interact with on this scene."

Isn't that a slight bit unprofessional?

Jenna could let out the most exhausted and exasperated sigh if not for Tim being the one of the sweetest, yet often odd, directors she ever worked with.

"Yeah, sure, can I atleast meet this person—"

"Sorry, Jenna," He lead her to the place she needed to be, the extra in question being no where near in Jenna's sight, "but this is really a last minute change and we just need you both to improvise."

"Wait, but—!"

Her protests were already too late, looking like it went through one ear and out the other through the audio. She was just grateful she had enough training and years in this industry to immediately get into character.

It was supposed to be her scene with Emma, lurking in the woods, a lantern between her fingers as they approached a silhouette of a figure.

Now it was just Jenna in the scene, lurking in the woods, leaves crunching under her combat boots as she watched the camera move alongside her body, not a lantern but rather a flashlight gripped on her palm.

She was informed that the silhouette in question was one of her co-stars that she had met before hand, a tall figure in the distance that she could immediately distinguish based on the back alone.

Now... it's... not exactly what she was expecting to see when she got in character.

She approached the figure, confused as ever, not because it was in her script to do so, but she was actually so damn confused it wouldn't be a surprise to her if she was imagining things.

Because the silhouette looked exactly like you.

Jenna knew you from the slightest shade of your skin, even when it's so damn dark outside.

She knew you from the way you stood, the way you sometimes would do whatever it is with your hands when idle, the way you'd often slightly tilt your head back when you're suppressing a hard giggle—which you were and failing to do so—the way you, in your own words by the way, aren't a good actress for Jenna to practice her lines on without laughing like a total maniac.

Holy shit.

Jenna's mind raced, all too fast for her liking, her heart pounding in her chest, and her body almost in flames at the thought of you being here. Finally being here.

It couldn't be real, of course it wouldn't, why would you be on set in fucking Ireland? It must be a trick, much so a figment of her imagination and maybe more or less girlfriend deprived of everything you gave her. But as she drew closer, her steps doing all but walking slowly to the silhouette, it because unmistakable who it was.

It was you.

Her best friend ever since she learned how to act in middle school, a friend that stuck with her forever even in times where you could've left her all alone.

Her girlfriend. The girlfriend of almost a few years that she loved and cherished with all her might, even if she were to commit a sin, there would be no greater wrong than Jenna disliking you.

It was her home. At last.

Without a second thought, Jenna abandoned everything, forgetting that she was even supposed to be the character she was and rushed towards her, arms already stretched in a desperate embrace to feel your warmth against her body once again. Your heartbeat against hers. It was all too surreal, all too fucking real.

Jenna threw herself into your arms, wrapping you in a tight hug that almost knock you both off of balance in the dirt. Your body stumbling forwards as your back was faced on her.

You still smelled like New York, mixed with that familiar airpot scent that Jenna always got used to. But now, it felt so new, so new that you were hugging her, touching her like it was the last symphony you'd play in your life.

She hugged you, tight. Her hands gripping your clothes like you'd disappear in a matter of seconds. You can hear her taking deep breaths against your body, gulps, and her hold tightening onto you with each passing moment.

As you turned around, you waited for Jenna to slowly loosen her grip, her eyes searching yours as if she still could hardly believe that you were here, standing in front of her after all this time apart. And now, you couldn't believe devotion was still present in her eyes, that warm of a gaze that you always managed to capture in her eyes.

"You're here. Y/n, you're—" She sniffed, looking up at you as she cupped your cheeks, a stray tear trickling down her eyes that shimmered, "You're really here." She whispered, her voice cracking almost to a fault. Her voice was fragile, it crushed you. "Why, how? What, I don't under—"

You smiled softly, chuckling even, you didn't expect it to go this way. "That's not part of the script, Wednesday." You joked, even if it was a serious moment, you always seemed to have one.

"You're not part of the script, why are you here!?"

You reached up to brush a stray lock of hair from Jenna's fringe as Wednesday, your touch gentle and reassuring like it never changed over the years. It was still there, your love was still there, and you were waiting for your lover to come back once in your arms to show how much you missed her oh so dearly.

"I missed you." You simply said, slightly swaying the both of you back and forth

Jenna couldn't say anything, let alone form a few words, but the way she hugged you yet again after a few seconds of silence with such tenderness and compassion, it said everything that you needed to know.

Everything that you lost and you hold today, nothing mattered. Not even the heart that wouldn't stop beating against your chest, it wouldn't matter if you died, atleast it was in her arms.

"So I don't get to have an I miss you back?"

Jenna pulled back slightly, you can see how her eyes glistened looking if it was something that not even renaissance artists could sclupt.

"You don't know how many nights I've spent crying because of how I missed you." She mumbled, voice below a whisper, her mouth hung open from her slight crying, taking a deep breath as she let herself be in the most vulnerable state with you yet.

"You cried?"

"Without you? Terribly so."

Your heart ached when Jenna started to cry, she looked small. Smaller than ever in your arms when you once held her for the first time when she became a busy actress.

She broke down, almost melting in your presence as you try to hold her up. You knew there were cameras rolling, that there were people on set watching this go down, but you knew that you were the only one witnessing her vulnerable state, no matter how many people would see right through her.

You reached up to gently wipe away the tears that streaked down her cheeks, her freckles being in view, something that you missed so dearly, your touch light and tender as you held her—your world—in your hands.

"I wish I could've been there for you," you regretted, "I wish I was there every night, to wipe away the inevitable tears that would grace your face, to hold you in my arms every night.

Jenna shook her head, a smile tugging at her lips, "all that matters is that you're here with me." She chuckled. "Why are you here?"

"Booking a small plane ticket from New York to here was the smallest price to pay for the chance to hold you in my arms once again."

"You know those are expensive, y/n," she scolded you, yet her tone was playful. "How long are you planning to stay?"

You hummed, a grin curling on your lips, "As long as you want me to be here," you replied, "I can't go back when I don't have a return ticket."

Jenna leaned into your touch, her eyes closing as she savored the warmth of your embrace, she didn't know how much she took advantage of this until now. She was afraid you'll be leaving soon, even with all assurances, everything you'll be giving her wouldn't be enough to ease her fears of you departing from her soul once more.

"I love you, y/n. Too much."

"I love you too, Jenna. You know I was only a flight away."

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Y: i heard your voicemails, by the way. J: i sent voicemails?

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a/n: sorry if this request was so so so late!! i still have more requests in my inbox and they'll probably be delayed for a couple of days or maybe even weeks because of exams. buttt ill try to post as much as i can with requests and super sorry in advance to those who requested! ill be updating future posts in my masterlists

[keyotos]

the only exception

summary ⎯ where blade thinks there is no more hope for love, but you may be the only exception.

tags ⎯ soft blade. mentions of blade's past. reader uses his real name (yingxing) like once on accident. emotional rollercoaster. blade goes through the 5 stages of grief except its not grief it's love. blade is bad at feelings.

tana's thoughts ⎯ gave into the voices and i starting writing this.

the xianzhou is not like it used to be, yet it has not changed that much either. at least, that's what blade noticed as he stood by one of the railings at starskiff haven. he watched the starskiffs come and go as he stood there, motionless.

he had a cup of tea from the tea parlor nearby. some customers wanted him to engage in tea discourse with them because he was an "outworlder," but with one glare from him, they knew better than to press on. so now, he was alone in the dark with sunglasses on.

starskiffs seemed to improve throughout the years. his favorite snack stand was gone, one he used to visit with you. blade tried to ignore the burning sensation in the middle of his chest at the thought. but the stupid mungbean soda vending machines were still there. damn them, he thought.

blade took off his sunglasses momentarily as he rubbed his eyes. sunglasses were obviously meant to be worn in the sun, not in the dark: they were causing him eye strain. he tried to be as subtle as possible, not trying to attract any cloud knights or realm-keeping employees. his face was still on a wanted poster, after all.

"ahem."

blade turned back to find a cloud knight with a mung bean soda in their hand. his mind instantly turned to you, given that you were also a cloud knight who loved mung bean soda (unless that changed as well), but he snapped back to the current situation. he was about to be arrested. the cloud knight cornered him, spear in hand as they slightly lifted up their helmet to take a sip out of their drink.

have cloud knights gotten sloppier? why are they drinking soda when they were about to arrest someone? blade furrowed his eyebrows, but still got into a defensive position.

he was about to swing at the cloud knight until they held their hands up in surrender, "woah, dude," they slowly said, raising their hands up, "i'm not gonna arrest you," they placed their mung bean soda on the railing, and removed their hat.

and it was you. he was just thinking about you, and you appeared. the sight felt surreal. you, who he had been so close with all those years ago. you, who became his first friend on the luofu. you, who still lingered in his mind after all these years, who he thought about even when the mara was affecting him.

you've changed. though you haven't exactly aged, you look older. you look exhausted; your face didn't glow as it used to. blade thinks he is partial to blame for that. your posture is profoundly straight and no longer slouched⎯something you used to struggle with.

the wind blows through your hair, scattering some leaves around with it. your expression is neutral as you throw all your armor on the ground and dust yourself off. there is no smile adorning your face. everything feels so identical, but so different.

his stance softened, but he didn't let up. when you saw that, you only sighed in response. after kicking some stray pieces of armor to the side, you lean your back on the rail as you sipped your soda. the sound of the armor colliding together on the floor made blade cringe.

"i don't actually wear armor, by the way," you swung the drink in his vicinity, offering him a sip using a hand gesture. when he didn't respond, you took another swig. "i have my own uniform. pretty cool, isn't it?" you tilt your head down towards your outfit.

blade doesn't understand. why were you speaking to him as if you two were still friends? could you recognize him under the glasses? it has been so long, he'd be surprised if you recognized him at all.

blade tries to maintain his cover. he is silent while you raise an eyebrow inquisitively, wondering why this stranger wasn't responding to you. you're waiting for him to speak, blade notices. he doesn't say anything. you tilt your head to the side, and blade tilts his head the other way.

you sigh, "you know, not many people are out here so late," you sip out of your soda can, looking at blade while he looks at the starskiffs. you continue, "an old friend of mine used to do this. we'd go out every night and create elaborate stories about strangers, and then stare at starskiffs."

you're telling blade about himself. or, his past self anyway. there's a present ache in his heart, hearing how you speak about him. blade feels like an imposter, standing here with sunglasses on while you talk about him. you sound melancholic, like you miss him. a stupid thing for you, blade thought.

"he's gone now," you turned and leaned forward, now watching the starskiffs with blade. he gets a sense of deja vu, and the feeling sends chills all over his body. you rest your head on your arms on the rail, "i miss him though. he was a little awkward, but he was kind."

"and sometimes," you turn your head towards blade, "he was a little annoying. like he would keep hating on my soda," you hold your soda up to blade, but all he could think about was how you just called him annoying, "or he'd force me to go to bed early. coddle me. nag at me to do my laundry⎯that was very annoying. like, hello? i'm an adult, i could totally do my own laundry," you ranted as you watched the starskiffs.

"maybe you should've done your laundry earlier," he mumbled to himself. he made sure it was low enough that only he would be able to hear it. if you noticed, you didn't say anything; you were still focused on the starskiffs passing by.

blade takes the time to look at you. to study you. it felt like everything about you was so different, but you were still the same. you still chatted about anything to strangers (something he always chided you about). you still drank mung bean soda. you didn't have that growth spurt you dreamed about.

but you were quieter. ironic, because you just jabbered about the annoyances blade had caused you years ago. but you didn't give out too many details. you didn't mouth off about what tea parlor was best, or recent gossip from earlier. you kept things to yourself. blade doesn't know if he should be happy or not.

something was off. there was a wall between you now. and it felt so wrong. blade knows he isn't entitled to anything⎯not anymore, at least. but the feeling of disconnect between two people who were once rooted together physically pained him. even with everything that has happened, he did not want to see you like this.

"i hope he visits soon," you look at him with eyes that glitter among the stars. you're still hopeful; that has not changed. you speak like the sun is shining in your body, and your words are laced with warmth that eases enough for blade to let his guard down. that's when he realized that you're still glowing, and you never stopped.

but your words also bring a stabbing pain into his heart. why are you still longing for him? you should have moved on. you should have found someone better for you. someone who will not harm you at any given moment. but here you are, missing him. hoping he comes back.

"seriously? i just told you that i missed you and hoped you came back, and you say nothing??" you grimaced, looking exasperated. there's a slight crack in the wall now, but blade doesn't notice.

he had other things to concentrate on. like what you just said.

blade did not find this very amusing. his eyes widened underneath his sunglasses and he took a few steps back. after all these years, you could still find him in a crowd full of people. it was love he did not deserve, yet still begrudgingly craved.

"how did you know it was me?" was all blade could utter. he was too alarmed to ask any other questions, or press on your story. or to ask more about you.

you glower and huff, "so he does speak," you cross your arms over the railing as you turn to make eye contact with your past ally.

"how did you know?" blade snarled. he didn't intend for his words to come out as harsh as they did, and the moment they left his mouth, he wanted to shove the words back in and eat them. he had forgotten how you made him feel like an idiot sometimes just by doing absolutely nothing.

your eyes widen and your eyebrows slightly jump up; blade wishes he could erase that expression from his head permanently. however, instead of reacting to it, your composure remains calm. it unsettles blade; he has never seen you so calm before. when you two were young, you got into arguments with those who barely picked a fight with you. you were straightforward and aggressive: blade shouldn't have admired that about you, but nevertheless, he did.

you're less temperamental, and blade doesn't know if he likes it or not. he was worried. after a lifetime of emptiness and recklessness, blade worries. he worries about you: your life, your job, your wellbeing. he worries if you got promoted or not, or if you're living happily.

do you have a partner? blade tries to ignore the flames surrounding his heart as he thinks about your love life.

"oh please. after all the years we've spent together, you'd think i wouldn't be able to spot you in a crowd?" you let out a dry and curt laugh, "just because your hair got darker and you changed your outfit, does not mean you are unrecognizable."

"not to me, anyway," you quietly add, turning your gaze away from him and back to the starskiffs. there's an overwhelming feeling that was welling up in blade's body. it wasn't mara, because it felt more peaceful. but the urge was still strong. he wanted to grab your chin and turn you back towards him; he wanted you to look at him again and explain. to tell him about everything. he doesn't care about the topic, but he will listen no matter what.

blade feels foolish. how could one conversation (if you could even call this a conversation) make him feel so lovestruck? every single feeling for you⎯that he thought he had discarded a long time ago⎯reappeared out of thin air. it all came rushing back at him: your personality, your terrible jokes, and every single thing he grew to love about you. blade tried so hard to dismiss those feelings in the past century, and in the midst of a few minutes, all his past work crumbled.

when blade doesn't say anything, you take a sip out of your drink. the silence is tense; it is opposed to the once comfortable silences you two shared while watching starskiffs. blade thinks that, in another life, nothing would have changed: he would not have become mara-struck, and you two would watch starskiffs fly for hours on end.

but everything has changed now. and there's no going back to fix it. blade will shove down every morsel of affection he feels for you again. and this time, they won't come back up. starting tonight.

you give him a small smile, "so, wanna tell me what you've been up to?"

he will shove down every morsel of affection. starting tomorrow night. another crack in the wall between the both of you.

the feeling of wanting to capture someone's smile is maddening. you drive him crazy, and you make him more insane than mara ever could. all of this because of one smile? blade pictures your small smile once again. it's incomparable to your true smile, though. one where you're showing all your teeth and your eyes crinkle with such bemusement it drives him amuck.

once he pictures your toothy smile, he sinks deeper into the talons of endearment.

"aren't you supposed to arrest me?" he deflects, trying to stem away from his previous lovesick thoughts. maybe, if you arrest him now, he could flee from the luofu forever. maybe then, he'd have a reason to avoid you for life.

you make a 'pfft' noise with your mouth, and the sound is familiar and stupid. it has no reason to make his heart flutter the way it just did.

"if i wanted to arrest you, then you'd be in the hall of karma ages ago," you boast, "luckily for you though, i'm on a break."

"didn't know cloud knights slacked off now," blade rolls his eyes under his sunglasses. he thinks that if he's rude enough towards you, then you'd get the message that he's changed, and you would leave. he's not the same person he was before. if he didn't deserve you back then, he most definitely did not deserve you now.

"well, i'm not a cloud knight anymore," you step closer to him, "i'm a lieutenant."

so you got promoted. blade deeply tries to ignore how his breaths get more shallow after the mention of your promotion.

instead of congratulating you, blade instead replies with, "so you're the same rank as that kid that follows the general around?"

your face falls, and dread swarms throughout his body, spreading through every vein and artery and organ. every regret blade has does not compare with whatever he just said. blade finds that, whenever he thinks about regret, your face has always remained through his sea of remorse. you are the one thing he regrets in many different ways.

blade regrets meeting you. he regrets indulging in your offers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. he regrets spending his nights with you. he regrets every time his heart leapt multiple beats whenever you were near. he regrets letting his guard down around you, because even now⎯whenever he is with you⎯he feels incredibly relaxed, despite not having to see you in centuries.

he regrets you. he regrets not being able to say goodbye to you. he regrets leaving you with so many qualms. he regrets not being able to see you change. he regrets the fact that he never got to confess to you. he regrets the fact that he still loves you, because why else would he be feeling this way?

the idiot keeps his mouth shut, even though he wants to apologize. "i didn't mean it," he wanted to say, "i'm sure you are very capable now. you stand up more straighter and you look more put together. not that you didn't look put together before. well, actually you didn't, but that's not the point."

it occured to blade that he was rambling about you in his mind. he was describing you in his mind. he was going crazy. nobody else notices these things about you. but blade physically could not tear his eyes away from you. the more he stared, the more he noticed more: such as the way your shoulders were more upright, your breathing was slow and even, and you surprisingly didn't look like you wanted to kill him. the you from centuries ago would have thrown him off the ledge.

you sigh, pressing your fingers to the bridge of your nose, "i see you've met yanqing."

blade says nothing, which simply prompts you to keep talking. a tiny slither of comfort enter's blade's body: it was refreshing to see that after years, some things will never change.

"he's jing yuan's retainer," blade internally (and bitterly) revels in the fact that you don't use any formalities with jing yuan anymore, "he can be a bit... much. but it makes sense. he's only a kid, you know? i like him," you move your soda can to the side to make room for your arms. you're leaning on the railing again, and you were not looking at blade anymore. it should not scatter uneasiness around his nerves.

he wants to share an anecdote of his own. blade yearns for connection with you for just once more. when he is around you, there's an ache in his heart. it was always there; past and present. he thought it would be subtle, like a symptom of a short-term illness. but soon he realized, the symptom he shrugged off was a manifestation of something bigger. and blade never truly recognized how long his sickness would last. because here he is right now, sick as a dog in your presence.

if wanting to fuel your everlasting fire was a sickness, blade decided that he would be diagnosed as terminal.

blade tsks at your statement. you are not impressed; your face looking slack and skeptical. there have been many times where he has been on the receiving end of that look, yet he feels the air swirl all around in his stomach every time you look at him that way. he also tries to slow his heart rate down: there should be no reason why he should be elated at the fact that you're looking at him.

"don't give me that," you cross your arms, "he reminds me of you," you pause, letting the silence overtake the both of you. there are so many unsaid things that the silence feels full, yet still too quiet. you know that the past is a sensitive topic for blade (and you as well, but you choose to dwell on that another night).

"back when we were kids, anyway," you quickly add on.

blade scoffs. scoffs. he does not see himself in yanqing, and he also does not know how you came up to that conclusion. it was ridiculous and strange. blade had to fight a scowl off his face: yanqing and him were nothing alike. if anything, the child was the spitting image of the general.

at least time hasn't changed your terrible analogies.

"terrible?" you point a finger at him, nearing his sunglasses. oh. he said that out loud. "i'll have you know, my analogies are great!"

"you compared me to yanqing, who resembles jing yuan the most," blade shifts his head to the side as he crosses his arms. your finger made his glasses shift down slightly. he could see you a lot better now without the dark obstructing his view, and he internally curses at the wanted posters for being the (indirect) reason he has to wear the glasses.

you let out a sound of disbelief, which resembled blade's scoff and your huff from earlier, "first of all, i was describing temperament. second, terrible?!?"

"if you were describing temperament, then that child would be your twin," he says, trying to fight off the feeling of his lips turning up. this feels familiar. it feels homely, almost. the world melts away when he is around you. every person, place, worry: disintegrated away by your warmth. did you know that? how do you do that? how do you make all the problems in the world disappear so easily?

you let out a breathy laugh, turning away from blade one more time. except, this time, you turn back, a grin evident on your face. it's dark in starskiff haven at the moment, but blade is sure that he just saw the sun in your smile. out of his peripheral vision, he looks to see if anyone else has noticed. have they noticed the light coming from you? how do they notice notice it?

the world continues to move, but with you, it seems that everything is perfectly still.

"i'll have you know, i worked on that whole temperament thing," you held up a hand to his face, "i'm chill now."

"oh really?" blade skeptically raises an eyebrow. you can see it through the crack in his facade left by the sunglasses. you can see his eyes a little bit more clearer.

"oh yeah," you drag out, taking a long sip of your soda. you turn on your back and spread your arms across the railings, mimicking a tired soldier, "i'm chill."

and this feels so normal, like if it was a typical night on the luofu. you and him spending time together once again. everything fell back into place so easily, as if the events of all those years ago never happened. why was it so easy?

various emotions coarse through his body, each feeling worse than the last. he can't stay. he can't live. he knows that the longer he stays here with you, the harder leaving you gets. but things have changed, even if you have not. you probably couldn't even love him the same either, logistically speaking. there were too many obstacles standing between the both of you: loving him was impossible.

he still does not understand why you still speak to him.

greeted by his silence, you choose to continue the conversation further, "this soda really helped," you slide the drink over to him again, "it's been a few years. you should try it again."

"a few years, huh?" blade eyes the drink. biggest understatement of the year.

"yeah," you eye him. your eyes are telling him to say something. blade, in all of his fearlessness, is scared. he has not been scared in a long time. the feelings of fear rushing back into him leave him stranded to his own devices, and he has no clue how to react. he used to turn to you for these things, but now, you are the reason for his fear.

you step closer to him. you are close enough that your shoulders are now touching. when you speak, blade tries to control the agitation growing in the pit of his stomach. destructive thoughts impede and pervase through his mind.

"they hate you."

"things will never be the same."

"whatever you had once, it has all gone down the drain now."

"please try the mung bean soda."

what?

blade snapped out of his head to see you holding up your drink right next to his face. he leaned his head backwards as he was met with your pleading eyes.

you took him out of his trance like it was nothing. you didn't have abilities like kafka did, yet you were able to take him out of his spiral using only six words. how was it that everything surrounding you became so easy?

"i'm not drinking that," blade says with a stern voice. he hopes that his glasses hide the panic that was once apparent in his eyes.

"c'mon," you begged, "just one sip⎯"

"why are you even doing this?" blade irritatedly snapped.

you raise an eyebrow and pretend to not know what he was talking about, "because i want you to try new things...?"

"you know what i mean."

you set down the soda can again and let out a long sigh. you run your hands through your hair, and blade thinks this is it. this is the moment where you snap back like you usually would. this is the part where you tell him that he should leave. he's too difficult, too hard to love.

"did you think i was lying back when i said i missed you?" your entire face softened. there was no light-heartened smirk or grin. you look sad. there are no other words to describe how else you look except sad. blade could not think of any other words. all he could focus on was you.

"i wasn't lying," you say, sounding more desperate than before, "i miss you so much, yin⎯blade." your tone turns sharp when you say his name now. this is it, blade tells himself, this is the part where you leave.

"you matter to me," you eunicate, "i still believe in you. i don't care about the past; i'm not letting it hold me back. which, i know is probably wrong on some level, but i don't care. because i miss you a lot."

"it's not even the fact that i miss us from before," you're rambling now. blade does not have the heart to stop you, "but i just miss you. blade or yingxing, i couldn't care less. i miss our late night talks, so when i saw you here tonight, i jumped at the opportunity to talk to you," you threw your hands up in the air, and then ran another hand through your hair, "and when we spoke⎯even with everything that happened⎯everything felt so easy while talking to you. and everything was okay. and i just wanted that so badly," your voice trailed off. blade swore he could hear it crack a little.

you had felt the same way he did. blade does not know if he was just consumed by an overwhelming sense of air flowing through his chest, or feeling something drop in his chest after you said what you said.

"sorry," you had nothing to apologize for, "i just word-dumped on you," you were using another one of your weird terms again, "i just wanted to let you know that i've always missed you. i've missed everything about you. and i don't want to let you go."

i still love you.

you don't say that. you finish your tangent with a long sigh and another swig of your soda can. it's almost empty. mentally, you feel like that soda can right now. you just dumped years worth of feelings on blade, and he responds with silence.

this is it, you think, this is where he leaves.

but he doesn't. he brings you closer. blade grabs your wrist before you can put the drink back down, and he brings the can to his lips. he faces the fact that he just put his lips where yours were. for a brief second, he imagines that he was pressing his lips onto yours⎯not the soda can.

blade takes back everything he said earlier. he does not regret you whatsoever. he yearns for you. he needs you to function. he wants you: all the time.

he does not regret meeting you. he is not a believer of gods, but he wants to praise whichever higher power that allowed your fate to intertwine with his. he does not regret spending every moment of his time with you; those have been some of the happiest memories in his life.

most of all, he does not regret loving you, because who would regret the warmth of an everlasting flame?

love has been something blade has lived without for many years. but it all comes back so effortlessly with you. and now he realizes why: he loves you like air fans flames. he will keep on giving into your love, so long as you are still there. it doesn't matter when or where: it just matters if you are there.

"i thought you didn't like mung bean soda," you look at his ear rather than his face, not ready for rejection.

"you wanted me to try something new, didn't you?" blade only looked at you, wrist still in hand. he ponders how he was ever scared of your love.

“i didn’t think you would try it so soon,” you pathetically laughed.

“sooner than you’d think,” he quietly mumbled, only so the two of you could hear it. his fingers were grasping the top of your hands as he still held onto your wrist.

“look,” you place the drink down, slinking your hand out of blade’s hold, “i know you’re probably going to be gone soon. that’s fine. couldn’t really expect you to stay because of your… you know. job,” you awkwardly explain, tucking your hands behind your back.

“but,” you sounded more optimistic, and it seemed as though the street lights all lit up, “you know that friend i was telling you about? the annoying one?” blade rolls his eyes, you only laugh at his reaction, “i hope that he visits more often.”

hope. you hope for him to come back. you hope for more. blade hopes for more too. he wants more, actually. craves it.

but he plays hard to get, “well, if you keep calling your friend ‘annoying’ i doubt he’ll visit as often as you’d like,” and he smirks. you have to bite your lip, hard, to restrain your giddy smile.

“well, i was just telling it as it is,” and it’s easy again. and you want this as much as blade does. and this is hope. this is hope that, even after everything, you’re still here and love is still alive. the wall is broken so easily.

“mhm, okay.”

“yup!”

“i’ll see if i can sort something out,” blade tells you, taking another drink of your soda. he’s emptied at this point. he’s only taking the “drink” so he could try to hide his (growing) blush from you.

“i thought you ‘weren’t going to visit’ as often,” you pouted, rolling your eyes.

“well, i never said that. i said your friend was going to do that. just giving you some advice, that’s all,” he teased. you felt your heart swell up: everything was going to be fine.

“your advice is shit.”

“you’re shit.”

yeah. everything will be okay.

if this looks familiar it’s bc this is an expanded ver of the xianzhou men hcs i did like a week ago. this was from blades part and i liked it sm i wrote more. wish i could have done the end a little bit more justice but i am TIREDDDD it was 4:30 in the morning.

but if u made it all the way down here i hope u enjoyed!! i put my tanussy in this and i wrote for like 5 hrs so pls enjoy LMAO

[uncleasad]

top ten favorite hosie fics of all time, go

What a fun Ask! 🙏 Also, are you trying to kill me?! 😂

A few weeks ago, TheDarkestHour13 introduced the concept of Hope and Rafael keeping a list of “Landon’s Top 10 deaths” in Such Is Our Fate. I commented that that particular chapter (for reasons other than the deaths list) was a Top 10 chapter of the fic, though I also noted I didn’t have an actual list of my Top 10 chapters—there were approximately 120 chapters at that point. I also thought, in a related manner, that I didn’t have a “Top 10” list of Hosie fics…and perhaps that should have been my cue to start thinking about such a thing 😂

As of late June 2024 CE, there are nearly 2600 fics in the AO3 Hosie tag and I’ve been reading since the latter part of 2019…so I’ve probably read ½ to ⅔ of them…

I came up with 7 fics right away, but as I started to make links and such, I realized that 5 of those were incomplete (ongoing, but mostly either rarely updated or, practically speaking, abandoned); I don’t know what it says about me that my “top ten favorite hosie fics of all time” is full of fics that may never be finished.

But in terms of recommendations for reading, I know lots of folks will not want to start reading a work that hasn’t been updated in years and has a high likelihood of never being finished, no matter how amazing it is (or how much someone else liked it). And even for ones that are currently ongoing, it’s possible (though unlikely) that the author could do something crazy to make me hate the fic later on. So I thought I’d spin off all those works that were incomplete into a separate list and come up with 10 favorite finished fics…I could mamage that, right? As I started trying to do that…nope, that’s not done, either; that’s been abandoned 😳 oh, what about that fic? wow, how did I forget that one?! (Like I said, are you trying to kill me?! 😂)

So…to save my life (and to stop spending hours upon hours on this), the end result is about 30 fics all-told, completed and incomplete. (I further subdivided the incomplete fics into those that are updated at least once every few months and those that…aren’t 😢) They’re ordered roughly by time, with the earlier/older fics towards the tops of the lists and the more recent ones (mostly) towards the ends of the lists. Two of the fics on the “Completed” list had promised an epilogue that has never appeared, but you can read the entire story arc, so I think it’s fair to label them as complete.

So without further ado…

Completed:

it's a date (the only problem is it's fake) by avengerskye / @avengerskye

Coffee on Monday, Flowers on Friday by Redezzy

The Missing Piece by intribridsname 

slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long by hackingxbiochemist

what you got (cause I want it all) by ToriWritesStories / @toriwritesstories

summer lovin' had me a blast (wait, no, that's just the leaf-blower) by AdeleDazeem

Our Last Life by taengoo1 / @taengooxlove

I'll Never Give Up Hope by O_M_Jee

HM+JS by tellingtouch

Invisible String by luthorbae

Then why's it feel so good? by callipoicepole (Killing Eve AU)

This Is Your Home by Shadowmama55 / @shadowhuntermama

Shivers (A Lifetime of crimes, but the worst was loving you.) by ch8rlie

The Stages of Grief by endgamesonly

'tis the damn season. by wandererghost (complete, though promised epilogue still outstanding)

Lizzie Saltzman, Matchmaker by TheNutcase (complete, though promised epilogue still outstanding)

In-Progress – still updating regularly or at least every few months:

Such Is Our Fate by TheDarkestHour13 / @persevereforahappyending (updated every Friday)

The Power Field by Joho_meh

4 Years, 6 Months, 8 Days by Limon_Skittles

To Know My Heart The Best (You’d Have To Cut It Out My Chest) by mambaregz

Incomplete – rarely updated, on hiatus, or orphaned:

Dive bar on the east side by Bluejay720 (7 chapters to go)

summer rush by sabrinasfadingmoon / @sabrinasfadingmoon (incomplete)

im not gonna let you go so easily by allweseeislight (1 chapter to go 🤞)

'tis the damn season by blckmaqic, LizMikaelson (1 chapter to go 🤞)

Redemption by MysticSlurp (Red Dead Redemption AU, incomplete)

Sad Bedroom Eyes by EvilPenguinRika / @evilpenguinrika (on hiatus)

Hell Hath No Fury by ElegiesEulogizeMe (Ringer AU, 6 chapters to go)

the stages of waking by dandelionlighters / @dandelionlighters (incomplete)

let’s watch it all burn down together by iris_on_the_moon (zombie apocalypse; orphaned)

A number of the authors are no longer active in writing Hosie fics (not surprising in 2024, considering), but many of them (including the authors of the incomplete works I like) have substantial catalogs, so if you read and enjoy one of these, be sure check that author’s list of other works (and of course leave kudos and comments! 🙏)

—

If anyone would like to see other fics I’ve enjoyed, there’s the fic recommendation tag here on my tumblr that captures a few from the last couple of years, and I also have a few AO3 collections of specific themes/subjects:

Hosie Zombie Apocalypse (HosieZombieApocalypse)

Hosie Summertime Vibes (SummeryHosie)

Hosie Season 2 “What If?” (Hosie_Season_2_What_If)

(I really need to start one for post-S4 fics, because there are a lot of great ones and I’m starting to forget them already.)

Sorry I couldn’t get it down to 10, @tribridsireline 😂 But I hope everyone reading finds something new and exciting to read!

[1800-page-not-found]

Omg, okokok, how would the company/group (sangha, huiwon, etc.) To Dokja getting kisses from his s/o 🤧 (hc or scenario is up to you)

OKKKAYYYYYYYYYYYY WE KISSING IN PUBLIC IN FRONT OF KDJ'S COMPANY

YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE OH MY GOSH I CANT BELIEVE I HAVE FANS???

I LOVE YOU ALL

ahem

most of kim dokja's company know the fact that you were dating. So in the midst of having a break from chaos and scenarios, you decided to kiss kim dokja on the lips, just a peck. Everyone reacted slightly different...

Yoo Joonghyuk's reaction

blank stare

was not one of the informed that the two of you were in a relationship

"Get a room"

just witnessed bromance betrayal

disgusted

the type of guy to say he's going to bleach his eyes

but WOULD ACTUALLY DO IT

half of kdj co had to rush and stop him

going through the stages of grief

Han Sooyoung's reaction

"Fuck."

passes Lee Gilyoung 1000 coins

yeah

those two bet on you guys

doesn't really care about you two kissing

cares more about her 1000 coins being lost

"KIM DOKJA. YOU BETTER PAY ME BACK."

she in fact did not get 1000 coins from kdj

insert Lee Gilyoung laughing at her demise

Yoo Sangah's reaction

Knew about the relationship

actually was the one to encourage you two make it public

you get dating advice from her even though she's single

"You guys bet on their relationship?"

Jung Heewon's reaction

"WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS INCLUDE ME IN THE BET?"

damn it

she couldve won money.

was not told but DEFFFFFFFFFFINETLY KNEW

says congrats

Lee Hyunsung's reaction

he knew about the relationship

pretends not to know when you guys kissed

"Woooowww congratulations!"

really bad liar

everyone stares at him

"YOU DID KNOW."

that was Shin Yoosung, pointing an accusing finger at him

Shin Yoosung's reaction

"YOU DID KNOW."

makes lee hynsung feel guilty

"AND YOU."

she grabs lee gilyoung by the collar

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE WAS A BET?"

lets out a war cry and tries to beat him up

Lee Gilyoung's reaction

smiles

he's 1000 coins richer now

guessed that you guys were dating

"blehhhhhhhh" sticks his tongue out at shin yoosung

they are running around the company and then he falls

gets hit once before any adult can get shin yoosung off him

Lee Jihye's reaction

starts clapping like someone's getting an award

accidentally overheard you two saying 'i love you' once so

not surprised

stops clapping after seeing her master's expression

...love triangle????

eats popcorn like some k drama betrayl is going on

wishes she was apart of the bet

[hey-august]

Can you imagine if Buggy realized that reader and Shanks of all people are hitting it off? The whole speedrunning of the stages of grief for this man. He’s so pissed because once again he lost to fucking Shanks. Shanks, who, by all accounts, is a bit of an oaf, who never had to work on his charm like Buggy needed to but just drew people towards him regardless. Shanks who was always the golden boy, the shining light, the one person he could never life up to and felt sick being near at one point because to top it off, Shanks didn’t saw it like this and wanted Buggy besides him anyways, even tough Shanks could have done better. Well obviously he finally realized that because he found you. Wonderful, perfect fucking you. And poor Buggy just has to stand aside watching both of you go along like a house on fire and tries his best to ignore it.

…Meanwhile:

„God he’s so hot.“ „Hmmmhm… back when he was a kid we all just thought he’d grew up to be kind of cute but damn…. That ass.“ „Don’t forget those arms.“ „God those arms, I’d gladly give the other one to have those wrapped around me.“ „And that gut…“ „FUCK YES THAT GUT!“

SURPRISE! YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING BUGGY ANGST AND INSTEAD YOU GET OT3 MISCOMMUNICATION AND HURT COMFORT HIJINKS!!

Dumbass simps try to court dumbass clown and make him question reality.

PLS I FELL FOR IT, ANON

I was waiting for some misunderstanding, like there wasn't a relationship to break up and Shanks showed up before Buggy could seal the deal. 😭

SO YES to this! A lil taste of classic Buggy insecurity and angst, with a hard turn into adoration, sweet feelings, and a bit of naughtiness...👀

And of course Buggy gets his back blown out afterwards. How could he not after you've been listening and chittering with Shanks about how silly, cute, goofy, and damn delicious Buggy is.

You'd have to explain what the conversation was really about in between kisses, but Buggy has trouble paying attention when the kisses move down his chest.

That's okay, you can tell him again later on, when he's resting his head on your chest and you're stroking his hair.

The nights where Buggy falls asleep to the sound of your voice are the ones filled with the kindest dreams.

[yourladysteel]

Other women wear the same perfume as you That floral but not overpowering scent That musky, linger in the air smell of you That can throw me in a time portal Back, back, about three years now, To the Barberton house Or the bags that drip with radiation

It’s at its worse when I’m in Farmers Because that’s where all those women go Middle aged with money in their pockets Buying the clothes you once brought While mum sticks with the perfumes Avoiding unsuccessfully The ones that smell like you

I have to press myself back against the jewellery cabinets Both to let people down the aisle And to dodge the thing I can’t see Mouth a small scowl, eyes heavy-lidded An attempt to look as nonchalant as a teenager Still successful in looking like a teenager Because of my twelve year old face that hasn’t changed in years

Lord, I do not want to think about how yours has changed so.

Now, in Farmers, or in Ezibuy, or on the damn street Your ghost passes by in the form of another woman A grandmother to her own grandchildren, perhaps Or just a possession of your own choosing Hoping to lure me to the other side When I turn too quickly to look back at them Snapping my neck for hope that it’s you

Sometimes, on a whim, I think about reaching out To grab the solid ghost made up of memories Wrapped up in a smell Wondering, on a whim, whether they’ll reach back too To grab the solid granddaughter made up of wishes Wrapped up in her In you

If I grabbed them Pulled them back Hugged them tight Cried Screamed Stayed silent Just sighed

Would they turn into you? A different kind of resurrection That hasn’t happened in novels before One based on that perfume The one I don’t even have a name to All in an effort to give you a second chance At trying life out again

Where you can go skydiving for your sixtieth Or live in your new house for longer than a month Where you could have waved me goodbye at the airport When I finally started the journey we had been talking about A life where you can watch your daughter and I Walk across a stage for ten seconds For a piece of paper you helped me achieve

For a moment, that particular moment When your perfume is all I can smell I think about how fifty-seven was too young How I have friends who have parents Older than you Who are still here to this day When you’re not

But too soon in my musings They have disappeared They are gone And so is my chance And so are the memories And so is the perfume And so are you

And so are you You You were gone too soon

-Perfume, or, It's Been Seven Years Since My Nan Died So Here Is A Poem I Wrote When I Was Younger That Highlights How The Grief Never Leaves Me, It Lingers Even After I've Forgotten How Her Hand Used To Feel In Mine

[gayphob1a]

The Five Stages of Grief (and love)

Steddie || full fic on ao3

Would you believe it if Steve Harrington told you he wasn’t a huge fan of parties? He played the part well, kegstand king and all, but in reality, All the alcohol and drugs being thrust into his hands just made him feel out of control, like his body and mind were two separate entities fighting for whichever could give him a bigger case of Foot-in-Mouth disease. All through high school, his so-called friends threw parties, and of course he attended; most of them were at his house after all. Once in a blue moon he might even say he enjoyed the company, if he’d had a bad week — back then, a bad week entailed a lost basketball game, Tommy and Carol being grade A dicks, at worst Harrington Sr. getting on his case for his less than perfect grades — but really all they ever achieved was to make him feel like shit in the morning. 

Eventually, the stakes of a bad week to “King Steve” seemed inconsequential, laughable even. Now, in the face of the end of the world, temporary distraction is all he could hope for. Weekend after weekend, Steve hosts hordes of high schoolers who barely acknowledge him as a person rather than a symbol. He’s searching for a moment of relief, a second of feeling safe. 

It never comes, but the appeal of weed and liquor finally do. Steve thinks if he can just muddle his way through the trauma of fighting monsters in a drunken haze, eventually he’ll forget. Wishful thinking.

Because graduation comes with another apocalypse hot on its trails. Steve may have found a form of peace in Robin, but she isn’t the cure for the void in his chest. That void can now only be filled with a constant stream of substances. Okay, maybe it doesn’t fill the void, but he can pretend it isn’t there under the haze of glorious intoxication.

So, to Steve’s delight, after killing Vecna, he finds an acquaintance in Eddie. Maybe pursuing friendship would be more beneficial, but Steve can’t find the capacity to expend the energy that requires.

No, Steve has been meeting with Eddie, nearly three times a week, to stock up on weed. They share little more than a nod of solidarity for what they went through together, before Steve rushes home to smoke and pour himself a drink. Or two. Or three.

The morning after one of those nights he goes harder than most, Steve walks into his shift at Family Video, looking completely worn down. His hair lacks its signature “Harrington” shape and volume. A pair of thick sunglasses shield his eyes. His clothes are clearly unwashed, and smell strongly of his unconscionable decisions.  

“Gooood morning, sunshine!” Robin says, far too loud for Steve’s throbbing headache.

Steve winces and puts a hand up to rub his temples. 

“Damn, Rob, it’s too early to be so cheerful.”

While Steve self-destructs on a nightly basis, Robin is on constant alert, ready to be at his side at a moment's notice. She hardly ever lets on to this behavior though, fearing Steve will withdraw if he knows she’s focusing her energy towards him. 

Steve, though he’ll never admit it, has a habit of closing himself off the second he needs help. He would drop everything for any one of those damn kids, Robin, Nancy, or even Eddie, but he was never able to let them reciprocate.

“It is 12 o’clock in the afternoon, Steven. The sun is fully up.”

“Okay, so it’s too early in my morning to be this cheerful.”

“You really are a delight, you know that, dingus?”

“Yeah, yeah, I love you too, dummy.” Steve lets out a half hearted chuckle, unable to fully match Robin’s energy. Frankly, he can’t match any energy at this point. The nightmares and crippling paranoia had too strong a grip on him last night. His sides, where the demobats had left nothing but shredded skin and muscle, were aching the worst they had since the night he got them. A joint and a nightcap hadn’t helped the way Steve had hoped, so he poured another. And then another. And then another. It was around the time he found himself dancing around the pool, a whiskey bottle in one hand and another joint in the other, that he realized he’d lost count.

The hangover’s cruel, but not enough to make Steve regret his choices. The room may be spinning, but it’s reminiscent of the circles he danced in with his arms out, listening to something that vaguely reminded him of Eddie. He may have a splitting headache, but it hurts less than his injuries had last night. He may have feel a constant dull pressure on the back of his throat, like everything from last night is trying to scratch and crawl its way out, but really, he’s so jumpy these days, that nearly every sudden noise has him on the verge of vomiting.

Robin stares Steve down as she watches him wince at too sharp a movement, or quickly grab at the trash can, just to set it back down with a thumbs up and a “false alarm.” Things had been hard on all of them, sure, but she knows Steve is far deeper than anyone else. Four times saving the world, and not once had he let his emotions be felt.

“You know, Eddie and I have movie night tonight. You should help me pick something out.” Steve is sitting on a stool, with his head in his crossed arms on the counter. It was a slow Tuesday, so Steve is taking advantage of this time to sleep the hangover off in 5 minute intervals. He lifts his head slightly, to give Robin a confused look.

“You want me, Steve Harrington, to pick out a movie for you and Eddie Munson? The man has never once entertained the idea of renting a movie I even express an interest in.”

“Granted, his taste is a bit… niche, but we’ve run out of movies to watch. We need a fresh pair of eyes, Steve!” Robin practically whines at him, and the noise is like a sharp object scraping against his eardrums.

“Oh my god, if you stop talking in that voice I’ll pick out a full movie festival for you.”

There’s a small mutter from Robin as he stands to search for something Eddie acceptable-ish.

“What was that?” He asks, now standing to his full height over Robin.

“Oh um, just that, maybe… Could you also drive me there when our shift is over?” 

Steve exaggerates a sigh and roll of his eyes, but they both know the answer to that question.

“And why isn’t Eddie picking you up today?” He calls from the sci-fi shelves. Robin follows him over, but he turns his back to block his potential selections from her view.

“I wouldn’t normally ask. You know I hate making you drive me around everywhere. Just two more months until I get my license and you’ll be free. It’s just, Eddie’s stuck at home. His van isn’t running. I think it’s something to do with the tank? Lines? Shit, I don’t know about cars, dingus. It doesn’t go.” 

Steve lets out a real laugh at that. They were few and far between, but the real laughs that could only be produced by Robin were almost as good as Eddie’s top shelf shit.

“You know I don’t mind driving you anywhere, Rob. Of course I’ll take you. Can’t let you miss the incredible film night I have prepared for you.”

“Show me what it is if it’s so incredible.” Robin giggles, trying to snatch the VHS from Steve’s hands. He holds it up above his head with a hand over the cover so she can’t read it. Robin jumps and grabs at it, the two in a fit of laughter. It’s moments like these that make the guilt catch up with Steve.

The rest of the day matches the speed of their slow morning, and the distinct lack of customers proves a strain on Steve’s mental health. His every other thought is an attack on himself, tearing him down for ditching his best friends. Sure he still spends time with them, helping the kids with homework and general chauffeur duties, taking Robin out to practice driving, single handedly keeping Eddie in business; but every attempt the others make to show him how much they care, he withdraws himself more. 

Physically, he’s still there, still looks like Steve, but he laughs a little less. Most smiles fail to reach his eyes anymore. He just can’t get his mind to wrap around the concept that he deserves their effort.

Customers trickle in and out one by one until closing. Steve, exhausted and ready for a drink, rents out the movie and ushers Robin out to his car, locking the store behind them. The ride to Eddie’s is filled with Robin’s pleasant chatter and soft laughter. Steve’s state of mind is plastered all over his face and Robin can see he’s drifting into a dark place. Though she can’t outright say anything, she knows her blabbering about nothing is just distracting enough to stop his mind from wandering too far.

Before long, they’re pulling into the Forest Hills driveway, down the couple lots to Eddie’s trailer. Steve notices the spot next to Eddie’s van was empty of Wayne’s car. He pulls in, headlights glinting off the trailer windows. 

“hold on a second. Robin, how were you planning on getting home if Eddie’s van isn’t running and Wayne is gone?” Steve looks at Robin, who’s been oddly quiet since turning into the trailer park. He can just barely see the mischievous smile that forms on Robin’s lips as she turns to him with just a bit too much melodrama. 

“Oh nooo! I TOTALLY forgot about getting home, Steve! I guess I’ll just walk home later, in the dark, alone.” she exaggerates a sigh to really sell it.

Steve rolls his eyes. Of course he isn’t going to let Robin walk home. He wouldn’t let her in broad daylight, much less around midnight. Still, he’s a tad bit annoyed. He’s exhausted from nursing his hangover all day and ready to fall into the bottom of another bottle. He doesn’t want that to be postponed by the looming responsibility of needing to operate a car to pick Robin up.

“You could always join us, of course. No need to drive back and forth. I can even drive us back after, as long as you ‘observe’,” she says with air-quotes. Driving lessons originally scared the both of them, but they quickly discovered that since she didn’t have to move her actual body, Robin was actually quite adept behind the wheel. Most of the drives they take, Steve just zones out to the music and watches the scenery go by.

He sighs, but it’s a decent enough compromise. “Alright, fine... If I’d known this was your plan all along I would have picked a movie I’d actually enjoy,” he grumbles. They exit the car, Steve with the movie in hand, and rap on the door. It swings open a moment later to reveal a comfortable looking Eddie.

Boy is this different. Steve’s visits with Eddie typically take place away from the trailer, where he’s always keeping up appearances as the metalhead ‘freak’. This Eddie looks so… soft? His crazy hair is half pulled up in a little bun on top of his head, while the rest delicately hangs over his shoulders. He’s wearing a shirt that reads ‘IRON MAIDEN: Live After Death’. It looks like it’s been well loved, and sloppily cut to stop right above Eddie’s navel, revealing the trail of hair that leads into his black sweatpants. He finds himself thinking he understands why girls find that so attractive and quickly shoves that thought into a little box he’ll be locking up tight under about a pound of weed. He doesn’t even realize he’s just standing there, looking dumb as fuck with his mouth hanging open until Eddie finally speaks.

“Good to see you too, Harrington. Buckley.” he gives Robin a little nod as she walks past him. Steve shakes his head, pulling a hearty chuckle out of Eddie.

“Uh, yeah, man. Good to see you. Sorry, I’m kind of crashing your movie night aren’t I?”

“Not a problem, man. So, you gonna come in or what?” Steve slip past Eddie, praying to a god he isn’t sure even exists, that Eddie hasn’t noticed the heat spreading in his cheeks.

Robin is already in the kitchen, making herself at home with snacks and a couple beers for the other two. The boys accept the drinks and get comfortable in the living room. Eddie slings across the armchair sideways, his head leaning over the side, near the spot on the couch where Steve sits. Not long after, Robin sets a big bowl of popcorn on the coffee table for all three of them, and curls up into Steve’s side.

“Alright, will you finally tell me what we’re watching, Steve? Eddie, this man would not tell me what we’re watching for the entirety of our 8 HOUR shift.”

“To be fair, I didn’t know I would be joining you, and I didn’t want you complaining to me all day that my choice was stupid. Now, sit back, relax, and get ready for 87 full minutes of the most dramatic irony you will ever experience in your life.” Eddie and Robin share a confused look. When the movie starts playing, the title screen alone is enough for them to start groaning. 

“Really, Steve. Strange Behavior? That couldn’t be more on the nose.” Eddie grabs a throw pillow and hits Steve in the face with it, smiling all the same.

“I know it’s on the nose, that’s why I picked it. Come on, I know you two cope with humor and this movie is ridiculous compared to the real deal!” 

“You were right, Steve. I would have– no, should have complained until you picked something else,” Robin teases. They all turn their attention to the screen to watch an evil scientist experiment on teenagers and turn them into murderers. 

In no way is the film intended to be funny, but they can’t help themselves as they laugh at how exaggerated and unrealistic it all is. 

“Okay, come on. You’re telling me ‘I was drunk, I don't remember what happened’ is a good enough excuse? How is no one questioning how Oliver was just MISSING FROM THE PARTY when Waldo got stabbed?” Eddie hollers criticisms at the movie’s lack of consequences the whole way through. At one point, he’s out of the chair, jumping and screaming about Mildred being useless when “SHE WAS GIVEN A FULL DESCRIPTION OF HER FRIEND’S KILLER AND SHE DOES NOTHING WITH THAT INFORMATION?” Upon settling back down, his head is just slightly closer to where Steve sits, the loose bottom half of his hair falling over the arm of the couch. 

With one arm wrapped around Robin, mindlessly drawing patterns in her cardigan sleeve, Steve’s other hand instinctually goes to stim somewhere else. The hand finds itself in the curly mess of hair near him, twirling it around his fingers. They stay that way in silence until the movie ends. The only noise left filling the room is Robin’s soft snoring. Eddie slowly stands, forgetting his hair is in Steve’s hand, the sudden loss of contact taking them both by surprise. A swift nod towards the trailer door is all Steve needs to detangle himself from Robin, wrapping her in a blanket before leaving. 

Eddie leads them to the back doors of his van. It opens up to reveal a fort of pillows and blankets. Eddie gets comfortable and pats the spot next to him for Steve to join. Eddie pulls the little black box holding his stash out from under the driver’s seat, as Steve grabs a handful of pillows and a loose blanket to make himself a little cocoon next to Eddie. 

“Cold, Harrington?” Eddie asks, not necessarily teasing. Well, maybe a little, but he doesn’t wait for a response before leaning over the center console to stick the keys in the ignition. The van starts up, filling the small space with warmth. Steve relaxes a bit as the warm air reaches him, which only reminds him of why he’s there at all. 

“Hold the fuck up, dude. Robin said your car broke down?”

“Oooh, shit. I forgot that was our story. She uh, she’s actually running just fine,” Eddie replies sheepishly. He passes Steve a freshly lit joint with an appeasing smile.

“So, what? You guys made up some kind of secret mission to get me to drive Robin around? I would have said yes if you just asked.”

“Exactly! That’s why we used driving Robin as the ploy to get you here.” Steve passes the joint back with a confused look on his face.

“That hard pressed for customers, Eds?” The nickname makes Eddie chuckle, but only slightly.

“No. No, I really don’t need any more customers actually. You’ve bought up nearly my whole stock.” Steve’s eyes widen. He knows he’s smoking probably more than he needs to, but damn, not that much.

“I- fuck. I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean to smoke you out of house and home, jesus.”

“Hey no apologies necessary over here. If anything you’re keeping me in house and home. You’re paying my bills, Stevie.” He takes a long drag before passing it back. Steve watches as Eddie’s head tilts back, letting the smoke stream out to hit the roof of the van. His head drops back down, meeting Steve’s eyes. He tries to take a hit to play it off, as Eddie continues.

“That’s actually why we wanted you to come over. Are you doing okay? I mean like, as okay as you could be?” 

Steve isn’t surprised. It isn’t the first time his behavior has alerted someone’s concern. After he and Robin experienced the highs (literally) and lows of Russian truth serum, Steve started drinking more and more in an attempt to forget what that horrible drug had felt like. Robin, of course noticed, having also been remembering that overwhelming, dread-induced, giggly feeling. 

Steve sighs out his hit, rubbing a hand down his face. 

“I’m doing fine, man. Really, I’m… coping.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Steve.” Eddie’s face is suddenly intense, the space between his eyebrows all but gone, his lips steeled in a frown. “You’ve been coming to see me three times a week, and I know you’re not stocking up for a rainy day because you don’t like having a large amount in case the kids find it. Don’t think just because you hide behind those sunglasses we haven’t noticed the bags under your eyes. They get darker every single day, dude. When was the last time you slept through the night?”

“Why do you care?” Steve suddenly spits back. “You just said yourself, I’m paying your bills. Isn’t it beneficial for you not to ask questions and let it happen?”

“Normally, yes, but you’re not just a dickhead rich guy who buys weed off me. I mean you are, but you’re also my friend. As a rule, Eddie Munson does not supply self destruction. And while I firmly believe weed is beneficial as a medication, that doesn’t hold true when you’re soaking up your cotton mouth with a bottle of vodka.”

Steve can’t fully process what Eddie is saying to him. He’s too caught up on the word ‘friend”. Steve likes Eddie. He’s a lot more than what he seems on the surface, even made Steve feel a bit of relief tip-toeing around vines in the Upside Down. And those lips. Fuck. But can Steve safely say they’re friends? Eddie’s incredible, but Steve doesn’t deserve incredible. 

“Whiskey, actually,” Steve mutters under his breath. “Look man, I appreciate the concern. If you don’t feel comfortable selling to me anymore, I understand, but I should really get Robin back to my place, that couch is going to kill her neck.” 

Eddie has no chance to react. Steve’s already out of the van, waking Robin to drive them home.

The drive is silent. Steve knows Robin set the conversation up, and Robin knows Steve knows. Maybe she thought Eddie would have a rougher approach. The whole ‘scare him straight’ tactic. It might have worked, even, if Steve could believe help was coming to him with no ulterior motive. Maybe it has to do with how he was raised, or maybe it’s his form of repentance for the way he acted in high school. Whatever the reason, he can’t see the unconditional love the others hold for him.

When they finally pull into Steve’s driveway, Robin hesitates to turn off the car. “I know you’re probably mad at me, I know. I just wanted you to see that I’m not the only one.”

“The only one? What do you mean?”

“The only one who loves you, Steve. We just don’t want to see you suffer anymore. Just, please, say something. Even if you need to yell at me. I just want to know what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking… I’m thinking, I love you, Robin, and that’s never going to change. I’m not mad, really. I just don't know. I don’t know what I don’t know, I just know I don't know it.

“O– okay,” Robin says hesitantly. “So, you don’t mind if I stay over?”

“No, I don’t mind. I think I might actually need it.” Robin smiles softly at him. He means every word he says. Nothing could ever change the fact that he loves Robin. But, something is eating away at him. It was like pieces of his heart are slowly being flushed out of his body. Everyday he can feel all those positive emotions less and less.

Silence between them again, they swiftly make their way upstairs, working around each other to get ready for bed with ease. They’re a well oiled machine of toothbrushes, face washing, and pajamas. 

Robin crawls into Steve’s bed after him, both laying on their sides facing each other. Their hands intertwine in a ball between them. They slept like that almost every night following the mall incident, and it still brought them comfort to talk each other to sleep.

“Hey, Rob,” Steve whispers, not wanting to disturb the comfortable quiet between them. Robin hums in response. 

“I don’t know why we had to go through everything we’ve gone through. I still feel like… something is coming. I don’t know, maybe that’s dumb, but I just don’t believe it’s really over. I’m– I’m scared shitless rob.” He finally looks up from the four hands clasping each other on the bed. Robin is staring straight into his soul. She has tears in her eyes, which Steve rushes to wipe away and apologize, but she stops him. 

“Thank you, Steve. For telling me. To tell you the truth, I’ve been really scared too. It just feels like every time we get comfortable we get flipped on our heads again. I know you’ve been through more than me, so it’s not the same, but I really appreciate you trusting me enough to tell me.” Steve is smacked in the face by the power of the smile she gives him. His hands detangle themselves from Robin’s and wrap around her back, pulling her in for a hug. 

They sleep like that for a couple hours, until Steve wakes up from a nightmare, scars burning. The clock reads 6:30 AM, almost time to get up for their opening shift in two hours. Steve carefully pulls his arms away from Robin’s still sleeping form, and heads toward the bathroom. He checks the scars in the bathroom mirror. They look the same as always. Red. Bumpy. Disgusting.

The shirt drops with a heavy sigh and Steve trudges down the stairs to start breakfast, the only sure way to get Robin out of bed being the smell of sizzling bacon. He rounds the corner at the bottom of the stairs and enters the kitchen. Sitting out on the corner is half a bottle of whiskey. There’s a pot of coffee already brewed, still hot. Steve figures Robin must have gotten up to pee not too long ago and started the pot while she was up. He pours a cup and looks back at the bottle. Two hours was enough time to sober up after an Irish coffee. He grabs the bottle and twists the top off. The scent of the amber liquid tantalizing as it hits the mug full of coffee. He raises the drink to his lips, seconds away from taking the first sip, when it’s rudely yanked from his grip.

“What the hell?!” He shrieks, jumping at the sudden intrusion to the moment he assumed was private. 

“This what you eat for breakfast every day?” Eddie stands with Steve’s stolen coffee in hand, directly in his personal space. He’s back in his typical getup, though his hair is still half up as it had been the night before. It’s not unfamiliar, Eddie leaning in too close, throwing himself all over Steve, and he sees him dressed like this more often than not, but the look on Eddie’s face makes him nervous.  

“How the hell did you get in my house, Munson!” Steve realizes he’s shouting too late, as he hears shuffling on the stairs.

“Steve? What are you screaming abou–? Oh, hey Eddie.” Robin says, instantly relaxing into a smile and wave.

“Mornin, Buckley. I was just checking in on our boy here,” Eddie says with a strong hand clapping down on Steve’s shoulder. His knees buckle slightly under the weight.

“Wait, Rob, you knew he would be here? You watched me lock all the doors and you never went back downstairs. How did he get in here?”

“Duh, dingus, I gave him my key!”

“Okay, ignoring the fact that you apparently made yourself a key to my house, you then gave that key to Eddie and didn’t tell me? I thought I was about to be eaten alive by Dart.” Robin chuckles at the name. She had heard stories of Dustin’s pet demodog, though thankfully, she hadn’t been present to witness it.

“It was a necessary evil, dingus. Eddie is officially the babysitter’s babysitter!” Steve turns to look at Eddie who returns it with a smirk.

“And I need a babysitter because?”

Eddie speaks up to answer this time. “Because you have a problem, Steve. And maybe you don’t see it that way, but it’s the truth. So if I have to keep setting traps to pour down the drain until you realize you’re killing yourself and let us fucking help you, I will.” He punctuates the sentence with a flourish of the hand holding the mug, dumping the contents into the sink.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. We all cope differently, okay! You guys laugh at shitty movies about teenage murderers. Some people fuck their way through the whole town, and some people need to dull their thoughts so they can relax. What’s so wrong with that?”

“First of all, you just described three behaviors that fit yourself. Second, you are proving my point, pretty boy. You don’t see this as a problem, just like you don’t see that we really, honestly want to help you. You can kick and scream, call me a freak, annoy the shit out of me, I don’t care. I’m your friend, Steve, the same as Robin. We went through hell together, but you’re still stuck there. I’m here to lead the way out.” Steve, though annoyed, can’t help his eyes watering at the sentiment. Eddie the banished, who fought his way out of Mordor within an inch of his life, is still fighting. All for the sake of Steve. He can’t help the tears from flowing down his cheeks. 

[j0nika]

HOLD UP, since your mom bought Rebellion for you as a birthday present, is today your birthday?!

Also…how was it…? I hope you liked it! (Of course if you have trouble processing what happened, feel free to ask)

That was the best movie

i have ever watched.

i went through all 5 stages of grief within the matter of 5 minutes.

SPOILERS FOR MADOKA MAGICA REBELLION BELOW!

i feel like i have never been so touched by a piece of media in my life

since the movie is so long, im not going to touch on every part, only the ones that were the most important to me

I WAS VERY CONFUSED AT THE BEGINNING. it was a huge surprise that the world had been fake (pretty much), because i was almost positive that was homura in her early stages of time travelling....NO. everything had already happened...

when they had begun talking about how the world was created by a witch, i was confused on how Bebe was relevant, since there had been no previous mention of them...and for them to imagine this ENTIRE WORLD just didnt sit right with me. once they started to mention it a little more, i had immediately known it was homura.

still, i started to get emotional when the world started to burn, and it was revealed that homura really was behind this. homura had been the thing she had sworn not to trust, what she hated with all her heart, trapped in her own cage she was trying to escape from...quite literally. that in itself was pretty beautiful to me :(

after all of that, when homura had pretty much sentenced herself to death to make sure that madoka would not be taken advantage of, madoka ended up trying so hard to save homura...i think that their love for eachother is definitely mutual, even if it seems like homuras might overpower madokas, i know that madoks truly cares about keeping homura safe and even in a moment of sacrifice madoka still just longed to be with homura and didnt want her to end that way, it was such a heartwarming moment

especially when god madoka came down to help homura, i started tearing up, it was really pretty and i had these lighst going on in my room and i was wondering the whole time "what does fantasy mean by people dont like what homura does at the end? everything seems fine right now!"

........

HOMURA

WHAAAAAATTTTT?!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Holy FUCKING SHIT I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.

I THINK THAT WAS MY *FAVORITE* PLOT TWIST THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN AN ANIME...IT SERIOUSLY BROUGHT OUT ALL THE EMOTIONS IN ME

i was STARING at my tv with my mouth open i could not believe it.....AND WHEN SHE STARTED TO SMILE, I GOT SUPER EXCITED!! I tend to accidently headcanon characters insanity as the smiling insanity, as if they broke, and i had started drawing homura like that but figured it wasnt fitting for her.....DAMN WAS I WRONG!!!!

i LOVE how homura had become an obsessive....not quite lustful, but more...PURELY EVIL DEMON....who had seperated madokas human form and god form to create a madoka who would be able to live happily (i believe?) with an altered memory...GOD, that scene was so POWERFUL, ive been stuck thinking about it all day today....DAMNIT HOMURA, I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU ARE EVIL!!! And this insane character development just made me love her even more!!!!!!!

then, at the end, when madoka had ended up quickly reuniting with her god form....and the way that homura said that the ribbons look better on madoka....JESUS...i was THIS CLOSE TO CRYING!!! it was almost a bittersweet ending, and that was the best route they couldve chosen...i couldnt tell if i felt sad, at peace.....it was really really beautiful!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

that scene with the flower field....THE SCENE WITH THE FLOWER FIELD HAD ME NEAR SOBBING...i thought it was gorgeous and the way that they hugged...the thought that this would be one of the last times homura would be able to hear madoka say those heartfelt things to her, just seeing her sit there....it was really blissful :(

THE SCENE WITH THE STATUE TURNING TO TAR!!!! that was AMAZING symbolism, holy shit! i just kinda stared at the tv for a little bit...its as if homuras love was infecting madoka....i love it so much.

i cant quitteee remember this one very well, but when madoka started t-posing and sunk into the ground, becoming this liquid, the homura becoming liquid, then a mini homura smashing it up? I DONT THINK IM REMEMBERING IT RIGHT, but i just know that it kind of hit me, it reminded me of no matter how hard homura had kept trying to save madoka, she kept dying...and all she went through within all of the timelines were ultimately very small and hardly mattered, since in the end, she failed...THATS HOW I SAW IT!

(and also, the fight with mami was AMAZING!!!! The music, the combat, the intensity, oh my god!! and when homura shot herself, and then held it up to mami, i was like WHATS GOING ON?!?!?)

this movie was absoloutely beautiful, touching, intense, i....literally have no words to describe it.

I PROBABLY WOULDVE NEVER GOTTEN TO WATCHING IT IF YOU DIDNT RECCOMEND IT TO ME FANTASY!!! THANK YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH...that was *seriously* one of the best experiences of my life, i went through so much in such a little amount of time...the fascinating scenery with the witches and the everything looked amazing as always, this was just a very very special and UNIQUE movie to me and i stayed involved the whole time...I DONT THINK ANYTHING THAT ILL EVER WATCH WILL TOP THAT, HONESTLY.....

thank you SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!! I LOVED IT!!! 10000000/10.....it genuinely couldnt have been better!!!!! and it only made me love homura even more!!!!!!!!

(ALSO, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, it is not my birthday! my birthday is in 9 days, march 16th! STILL COUNTS AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!)

[laugtherhyena]

So fun fact about me and the another series; I found out about it back in 2018 just one or two weeks before Ch3 came out and spend the next 3 or 4 years being hooked onto the game until the fixation died down and only returned to me around August or September of lasy year.

Meaning that through 2/3s of Sdra2 i was able to see the chapters as they were coming out and that's honestly something i wish more people in the current fandom could have experienced because it was so fun seeing the hype around a chapter that's soon to come out spike up with all kinds of theories, predictions and people hoping their favorites won't die (i remember i even had a dream once where chapter 5 released and Teruya murdered Iroha by tying her into a train track and waiting for it to run over her after she came to him and told him about being a void and he was like, trying to get rid of all remaining void by killing Iroha himself and wining the class trial, which would in kill Mikado too. Wild shit, but it's a dream you know?). And of course, whenever a new chapter did release the entire fandom would collectively freak out for the entire day as random instagram accs posted Cgs and bits of roughly translated information through the day alongside the deaths and executions and this hype around the newest chapter would sprout all kinds of art, edits and more theories for the following month or two.

All around awesome experience? Not exactly. Because this also means i got to see Linuj's crazy plot twist as they were being revealed and here's where we get to the actual subject of this long ramble/rant; Kokoro Mitsume and how i really wish i could have spoiled myself of what happens in Ch0 because that would have spared me of so much pain.

And let me tell you, when i say pain, i am by no means exaggerating. You people have no idea how much i cried when Ch0 came out. My little 15 year old head was going through the 5 stages of grief over that plot twist, that shit didn't even feel real to me until one or two days after its release.

One thing you gotta know about me is that before i became the Ayame person™ Kokoro was my absolute favorite character of the another series, and if you know me for even just a little while then you know how insanely attached i am to her despite being a minor character who dies 1/3 of the way through the game.

Like, y'all don't understand, i was so happy when i saw that one Cg of her and Mikado in my timeline, so genuinely ecstatic to see more of her after i thought her character done with since the events of Ch2. Can you magine how i felt after watching the character i adored so so much turn out to be a vile human being? I was genuinely so distraught man, i spent a good while being one of those people that ignored everything about the characters irl selves because that twist hurt me so damn much, but even then i was never able to look at that character the same way again, even now she just makes me feel bad.

And it's s not that i think Kokoro is the worst person to have ever existed, i like antagonist/villain characters who've done much worse than her, hell, I don't even think her character was absolutely ruined or anything. When i think about Mitsume nowadays i genuinely find her an interesting case of a good person with big plans who lacked a proper support system or even friends which led her down a path where she became cold and cruel without a semblance of care for her own family so long as she could work on her project, and seeing the difference between the Kokoro we see as a teen and her adult self just makes all of this even more heartbreaking. I still like her, is just that having my perception of this character be completely shattered when Ch0 came out permanently affected how i view her and as much as i still enjoy her character even now I can't help but simultaneously hate her for how she made me feel ❤️

[littlerosetrove]

Buck’s Coma Dream in Retrospect

It fell flat and it had conflicting messages.

I think the two big takeaways we were supposed to get and see were 1) Buck realizing that he’s enough just as he is. 2) Buck understanding/realizing that in the real world he has a family that loves him and accepts him as is, that’s real and not a fantasy (ie his parents loving him anyways and Daniel being alive), and that’s the 118.

Okay, let’s focus first on Buck realizing he’s enough. Well, he may have understood this message in his dream, but did we see this in any capacity in the real world? I’d have to say no, not really. For a few episodes Buck was struggling with the fact that he died, he was unsure how to feel about dying but still being alive, he didn’t know how to feel or act, etc. And then this very important story was effectively dropped, especially once the romance with Natalia was brought in (to only be a love interest, lbr).

Where, after the coma dream in episode 6x11, did we see Buck truly feel like he was enough? At most we have some “well I guess he felt confident in ____” moments. I’d say those are: - Buck going through the five stages of grief in 3 seconds before handing over the baby he helped create. - Buck taking on “leadership” in the finale. I mean yeah, but he was mostly on his own to do that. He kinda had to lead Ravi, but that was it. I’m stating this with a bit of an unsatisfied air because we really hadn't seen the proper build up this season to Buck even taking on a leadership position. So.

Beyond those two pieces, where exactly have we been shown that Buck has learned and felt that he’s enough? I’m really struggling here. (too bad his story about learning to be at ease with himself was forgotten). What also doesn’t help, and this happened in season 5, is we get so little insight into Buck’s mind and how he’s really feeling. Buck in season 4 admitted to hiding his true feelings, but... it still feels like this is the case even now. As if both Buck and the show are often hiding how he really feels about things. So we have to guess a lot. 

This is also where dream!Bobby saying “if you only care how people see you, you haven’t learned a damn thing” comes into play in this. You know where this is going. The only thing we got was Buck saying to Eddie in 6x15 or 6x16 that Natalia, after one conversation that predominantly took place off screen, that “she sees him.” Ah. So Buck has learned nothing, got it. In particular, Buck has learned nothing when it comes to his romantic life. After six seasons. My good dudes (gn).....

(we honestly got Natalia not seeing Buck even before Kameron randomly showed up at Buck’s place; we were shown Natalia being overwhelmed and low-key judgmental of Buck’s full life before and after Kameron came in. and she ran away from it all. sound familiar? y’all also please note she came back after Buck was in danger. for all we know, she saw what went down on the news and decided to come back. sound familiar??? we saw Natalia not understanding why Buck helped Kameron and Connor, she had to be told the answer. the only thing we’ve concretely been shown is Natalia finding Buck’s death, a piece of him, “so cool.”)

*deep sigh* Okay, now for point two.

There’s two aspects to how the fantasy vs reality of it all was clumsily handled. (this was inspired from a chat I had with @lovecolibri ) 

In the coma world, Buck’s parents genuinely seemed to be loving and supportive towards Buck, something Buck never got in the real world. In the scenes of the real world, we were shown the 118 family and Maddie being that: a family that loves Buck and are hella concerned about him. Of course they are, because we’ve spent several seasons making this a fact, a fact that they all love Buck and they love him as he is, unconditionally.

A big HOWEVER. However, also in the real world, we had the Buckley parents present and seemingly concerned about Buck. Sure, this is in part nothing new about them; the Buckley parents only showing concern when Buck is physically hurt. BUT we also have to factor in that in episode 6x10 we were shown the Buckley parents “trying” to, at the very least, be civil with their kids, honestly, and this is my interpretation here, in great part only so they could have a relationship with Jee-Yun (despite them… I don’t think showing that much interest in Jee-Yun beforehand. not that I remember atm).

The conflicting message here is that in the coma world Buck has parents that love him unconditionally, but he knows this isn’t true in the real world. We saw him, as I interpreted it, Buck giving one last hug to coma!Buckley parents in a sort of goodbye to this fantasy, because again Buck knew that he’d never have the relationship he wants or truly deserves in the real world. But Then, when Buck wakes up he has his parents there and “trying”….. But. But Buck had also had the understanding in his dream that the 118 are his family and he wants to return to them, for himself.

I hope y’all are following because this is a bit confusing isn’t it; my explanation and what the show was even trying to say. What we got was coma!Buck understanding that his parents have never and will never “love him anyway.” He has the 118 that do. But then in the real world we have the 118 there for Buck, but ALSO the Buckley parents who still don’t love him anyway, but are “trying,” so… Good enough? 

Idk idk, what would have been more impactful was to have Buck return to a reality where he has his 118 found family who can be contrasted, clearly, to his parents that both a) still don’t love him unconditionally (which is true in any case, but...), and 2) not have the Buckley parents there for reconciliation purposes. The timing of the reconciliation really muddles the messaging, if you follow me. 

I’ve seen a lot of people view the show as redeeming the Buckley parents (and Mr. Han), when the show was going for reconciliation.  

The only parents that have actually gotten redemption stories are Ramon Diaz and Toni Wilson. Those stories worked because both parents acknowledged their wrong doings, and said and showed that they are willing to try to mend things with their kids. Which both have been actively doing.

Neither the Buckley parents nor Mr. Han has been shown to acknowledge their wrong doings to their kids. Instead we were given a silent message of “let’s start from scratch and… just try to get along.” This is why their stories are meant to be reconciliation and not redemption, but they were clearly poorly executed.

For Buck in the real world we just… saw him going with the flow of his parents being there. Oh his mom wants to buy Buck a couch? Buck: “...Sure, I guess. Go ahead.”

Circling back to the 118 family. While we did get some moments and scenes in 6x11 and 6x12 of the 118 being there for Buck… idk, that was kind of it. The rest of the season after that was kinda scattered on - really showing the bond amongst the 118. At least to me. Like, why weren’t there more scenes of Buck and Bobby, especially after May said out loud that Bobby is Buck’s dad? I’m blanking, but did Buck ever say “congratulations on the engagement” to Chimney or Maddie, his sister? We didn’t get any further discussions amongst the 118 of Buck’s death, not really, beyond 6x12 having some check in with Buck, and 6x13 having everyone joke about Buck’s math skills. (i do love the Buck/Eddie of it all, don’t get me wrong. but in hindsight it’s hilariously bizarre that in retrospect we and Buck are being told that Eddie seemingly regularly plays poker with other firefighters. haha ok.)

Hell, why was there never a conversation between Buck and Chimney? Chimney died twice in season 5 (but that was quickly forgotten), and almost died in both seasons 1 and 2. Chimney would absolutely be a perfect person for Buck to talk to about death.

I’m sure I could give more examples, but overall I felt season 6 was weird in how they handled the dynamics on the 118 as a whole. To me, a little too often they were just kept apart because for a show that is supposedly big on found family, it wasn’t that consistent or as present as it should be in season 6. (yes there were definitely good and great 118 moments in season 6, but there could have and i think should have been more for this found family.)

Like holy shit, the finale? We got a baffling time jump from the rescue, so we didn’t get anything like Buck checking in on Bobby, his dad. We didn’t get Buck checking in on Eddie, his best friend and partner. We didn’t get anyone checking in on Chimney, etc etc etc. Everyone was off in their little pairings, and two of the pairings of course were Buck and Eddie with their female love interests. I phrase it like that because that’s exactly what the writers, at present, have given us and nothing more; female love interests. So satisfying.

...

TL;DR If Buck learned and understood that he’s enough in the real world and not just in his coma dream, call me dumb but it wasn’t clear at all. Season 6 overall, while having some good moments with the 118, was honestly lacking in the found family aspect that used to be so important and central to this show. 

[practically-an-x-man]

if your OCs could alter their current timeline in any way would they? what would they change?

Ooh, that's a really interesting question! Thank you for the ask!! Let's go down the line and see...

Rae: absolutely not. She's been through a lot of hard times, but she doesn't regret it in the slightest. Her hard times have made her who she is today, and she wouldn't want to risk some sort of butterfly effect that would push her away from the life she got

Robin: She'd definitely try and stop herself from getting her TBI. She recovered in time, but it was a lot of grief and effort and pain for everyone involved, and she'd rather not deal with that if she got the choice

Jasper: Oh, they'd tamper. They'd stop the bus crash, or at least be there for Kyle when he comes back to make the revival easier on him (stitching the wounds so they don't scar, being a familiar and loving face to ease the fear, etc.)

Ophelia: She's a tough one. She's been through a lot, but she's also a scientist. On the one hand, she might dive right in and try to correct all those wrongs, save her loved ones, damn the consequences. But on the other hand, she might restrain herself for fear of the butterfly effect or ruining things further.

Kestrel: I don't think they'd mess with the timeline. They have something special as it is, and they treasure that. Sometimes they feel like their life is... glasslike, maybe, and they wouldn't want to risk it cracking

Katherine: No, she's happy where she is. Even if she wasn't, there's no real way that changing the timeline would fix everything for her. She could go back and choose another path, but she couldn't outright "fix" things. It'll always be a Pyrrhic victory for her.

Madison: Depends on where she's at in her life. If you caught her at an earlier stage, she'd go back and rewrite things in a heartbeat. But if you caught her later on, once she's with the X-Men, I doubt she'd want to change a thing. She adapts very quickly to changes in her life - once she gets past the initial burden of change, it becomes a part of her, and she wouldn't want to let it go even if there was an alternative.

Prometheus: I'm... not sure. I think the only thing they'd want to change is to keep their guard down a little more and ensure Morpheus doesn't discover them, because then they'd avoid all the grief covered in The Calling

Quinn: In a heartbeat. They've learned to live with their disability certainly, but if they could go back and spare themself and Billy from the fall, go back to running across the rooftops like they used to, they absolutely would. As much as they've adapted, there's a part of them that will always long for those days where they didn't have pain, where they could move freely, where they didn't have to spend so much time in the hospital

[bonesandthebees]

Opens door gently this time

Soooo i went to reread the last two chapters of stars but then i kept seeing a reference to the previous chapter and next thing you know I've scrolled to chapter 20 😭

Anyways long story short i binged chapters 20-28 of stars today LMFAOOO

I cant believe so much shit happens with no break like huhhh, i thought it was 2 chapters of intenseness but nope 😭 those poor boys really did not get a break till the absolute end ohmygod

I ended up screaming in a lot of the ask i was gonna send so ima just cut it down to the legible parts lmfao 😭

The sum up of the screaming is pre much just: stars sandduo holyshit i love them so much

Every time there was a sandduo scene i felt like my chest was going to explode omg 😭😭😭 i gen forgot how to breathe shdkgkfjdkfjf they just ooohhhhh its just such a good dynamic, also damnnn brooo reading the phil pov today really showed just how similar they are together, the both of them were in such denial over being father son lmfao 😭

BROOO PHIL LEGIT TELLS HIM THAT HIS NICKNAME IS SMTH ELYTRIANS CALL THEIR CHILDREN AND MANS WAS STILL LIKE "nope ✋️" im cryinggg hahahaha

Also brooooo stars crimeboys are So Brothers i cant they make me Sick

Like out of all the crimeboys in ur fics, idk man u just,, did such a good job?? At making them seem like biological brothers. Cause i love found family crimeboys, but that type of brothers is a diff vibe from biological siblings, and you did such a good job at capturing it. I remember reading the first chapter of stars and getting smack cammed by the sheer Brotherness they gave off. They really reminded me of me and my sister (we r also half siblings!! It's cool seeing half sibling rep) eueueueu :( /pos

ALSO I love how you write Techno so much, in all of your fics, you always capture the intimidating aura plus the genuine softer personality and his humour, it's so lovely i love him, holds stars!techno softly, hes sooo skrunkly

I like seeing the parallels between stars and glass, especially the power that names hold in both fics, it's so cool. All of ur fics are so neat

Godddd the crimeboys reconciliation scene is one of my favourite scenes in any fanfiction ever ohkygod my heart hurt so much reading it it was so good holyshit

Im still also not over how Phil was proud when Wilbur one upped him, mans just got destroyed and he was just like "omg thats my son!!! Right there!!!" Im cryingggg i love sandduo so much

I am feeling so emotionally drained (/pos) after all of that tho 😭😭 i just went through all five stages of grief like 8 different times lmfaooo

Im gonna cope by writing my own sandduo (is this healthy? Probably not but who cares, sandduo 4 life ☝️)

rn my mental image is that with your first ask you slammed the door open and screamed and now you're just gently opening it and peeking your head in and it's very funny to me

damnn binging 20-28 in a single day that's so much

literally so much happened towards the end of stars. basically I had a ton of things building up to the crimeboys fight, and once that happened everything was falling down a mountain from there. they literally got next to no breaks.

phil and wilbur are soooo similar it's so funny. like there was a reason everyone around them was like "damn you really are like phil" to wilbur 😭

man that makes me so happy to hear that I did a good job with the bio sibling rep. writing crimeboys as biological brothers is definitely a slightly different vibe from the found family brothers. I don't know how to explain it, but it definitely feels different for me to write. thankfully it's not something I have to think about much. it's a natural shift that's easy to switch to (which is a bit ironic considering I myself am an only child lmao)

aaa ty for the compliments about how I write techno!! out of sbi techno has always been the one whose characterization i struggle with the most. I've definitely gotten more comfortable writing him over the years, but back when I was writing clinic i was SO stressed writing that one on one scene with him and tommy. I think one of the biggest issues I have with the way a lot of people characterize him is how they forget his humor. techno is funny, and will crack jokes even at inappropriate moments. obviously I have to keep the tone of a story in mind which is why techno isn't cracking very many jokes in stars, but he still has his moments of levity which i think are really important to him as a character.

can you tell I have a Thing for names and the roles they can play with vulnerability and trust. I just love exploring that concept man idk why

phil being proud of wilbur using his Voice on him was one of the earliest planned things about stars I had. sooooo satisfying to write oh my god

tysm for all the kind words though I'm so glad you enjoyed your reread!! have fun with your own sandduo :)

[aeoki]

School Festival ☆ Tamayori’s Haunted Dollhouse - Chapter 8

Location: Hallway (In Front of Haunted House) Characters: Mika & Shuu

< A few hours later. >

Mika: Oshi-san, look, look! The line is huge~♪

Shuu: So what of it? You find joy in seeing a line? You truly are odd.

Mika: Ahaha… It’s not that. I was just happy to see the flyers were successful.

Shuu: Right, you and the two in “2wink” went off to hand out flyers, didn’t you? And that’s how you got Rei to help.

Mika: Yeah. The “Butler Cafe” is a huge success. There were around the same amount of people– no, maybe even more, linin’ up for it.

Ehehe, no wonder he’s your friend, Oshi-san ♪

Shuu: And what of it? …Good grief, don’t make me repeat myself.

You’re innocently pleased with everything but did you forget our reason for taking part in the “School Festival”? We’re doing this to win that reward for the best booth or performance.

The Boy said second and third place will also be rewarded.

But to think my creation will stand second or third best won’t make me happy at all. If anything, it would feel like an insult and I’d be extremely offended.

Mika: Yeah, I haven’t forgotten. But, you know~ Don’t you get happy seein’ your friend’s booth doin’ well?

It looks like Naru-chan’s booth is doin’ well too. Naru-chan told me about her booth and I felt happy since it sounded like I was there too ♪

Oshi-san, yer okay not payin’ a visit to the “Butler Cafe”? You went to see the Drama Club’s performance 'cause yer friend was performin’, right?

Shuu: Wataru invited me to watch so I had no choice but to go. Ahh, I suppose that isn’t quite right. I went to see how the outfit turned out and I watched the play while I was at it.

Mika: Geez, you sure are fussed about the trivial things… There’s nothin’ wrong with watchin’ a performance yer friend is in. I guess rather than being fussed about the details, you can be kinda difficult at times, huh.

But I also like that part about you, Oshi-san…♪

Shuu: Don’t create such a creepy atmosphere.

In any case, that’s the reason why I went to watch the performance. Ahh, just recalling it is embarrassing. If there is a hole, I would like to enter it.

Mika: Ngh, really? I thought it was really pretty ♪

The main actor who played Cinderella was a boy but they looked just like a girl… That means the outfit you made was really well made, right, Oshi-san?

Shuu: Hmph. You can fool a lot of people with makeup.

Mika: You might be right, but… If yer sayin’ yer embarrassed, I think the actor playin’ Cinderella must have been even more embarrassed.

Ahh, is that why their movements were kinda stiff? Your friend, “Ryuu-kun” was also movin’ really stiffly.

Shuu: That was simply lousy acting. Well, Wataru prefaced it by saying it was “truly a comedy”, so I suppose it was rather brilliant and successful as one.

But I don’t watch comedy so I don’t actually know if it was truly outstanding or not.

It seems the performance went smoothly so I’m sure Wataru was satisfied with just that.

Wataru won’t cut corners when it comes to theatre.

The actor who played Cinderella stood on stage until the very end and wasn’t forced to exit the stage in the middle, so I’m sure he is someone up to Wataru’s standards.

Mika: Ahaha, that sounds like one of yer friends, Oshi-san…♪

Oh… if we keep talkin’ outside the haunted house, people will think we’re in line.

Oshi-san, let’s go somewhere quiet.

Oh, but break time is almost up, huh. It’s a shame but we’ve gotta head back.

Shuu: It’s too early. Besides, we’ll be the ones to scare those visitors.

I don’t like noise. We can return to our work once there are fewer visitors.

Mika: Then, where do you wanna go? Hmm~ The “Butler Cafe”?

Shuu: Why that? It seems it’s made quite a name for itself as the sweets are exquisite and the tea is perfect, however.

The one who provided them with the tea leaves is none other than that damned Tenshouin! Ahh, I feel disgusted just mentioning his name!

If I could kill someone by cursing them to death, I’d say his name over and over again! Tenshouin, Tenshouin, damned Tenshouin!

Mika: O-Oshi-san, don’t make such a fuss so loudly~ Everyone’s wonderin’ what’s goin’ on and lookin’ our way! Nghh, I feel embarrassed just feelin’ their stares on me…!

Shuu: Embarrassed? Don’t say something ridiculous. You’re a failure as an idol if you don’t like attention.

Mika: No, it’s not that! A-Anyway, let’s get outta here!

Shuu: I don’t mind moving elsewhere, but where?

Mika: Huh? I’ll go wherever you wanna go, Oshi-san ♪

Shuu: You’re a doll with no independent will… I’ll rephrase that: Where do you want to go?

Mika: Ngh? Like I said, I wanna go where you wanna go, Oshi-san?

Shuu: I watched Wataru’s play already so there’s nowhere else I wish to go.

Mika: What? Nn~ That’s troublin’. If that’s the case, then I’ll decide where we go but is that okay?

Shuu: Will you not understand unless I say, “Do whatever you want. I’ll go with you to the places you want to visit.”? What a failure of a doll.

Mika: Sorry, Oshi-san. I don’t have much of a brain, so I won’t understand unless you tell it to me straight.

Ehehe… Then, let’s go outside. There'll probably be some stalls there. It’ll be a lotta fun~♪

← Previous Chapter ᠂ ⚘ ˚⊹˚ ⚘ ᠂  Next Chapter →

[noblechaton]

I've seen Voyage of the Damned twice in the last few weeks (once with Ari and once alone) and funnily enough I feel I'm kind of two minds on it and wanted to further blabber about Doctor Who things so

on one hand I think the special is probably the weakest of the era. it has this almost dour feeling throughout given that basically all of the side characters - most of whom are entertaining but really one note and bland otherwise - get fucking killed throughout the episode lmao. the plot feels really thin in that the entire story is "a CEO guy is so mad that his company failed and shareholders bailed that he's sabotaging them by killing thousands on the ship and potentially 6+ million on the planet below which is the earth btw". it's a really simple story that's kinda written as simple as it sounds and the entire hour feels more flash than substance

Astrid in particular is maybe the worst companion - as temporary as she is - in the era thanks to how aggressively one note and boring she is. she wants to see the stars and is just another blonde woman the Doctor ends up kissing twice for no real reason, especially given their chemistry did not really exist (tho Tennant sells that shit as hard as he can all the same - a true pro). like going from the end of series 3 where the Doctor may finally have overcome his romantic grief in relation to Rose thanks to Martha's wakeup call into an hour where the Doctor makes out with another random girl who has no screen presence or connection with him is a huge misstep imo and whatever attempt at romance they tried here actively takes away from the episode. it felt mandatory and not like some natural thing that came about throughout the course of the episode. really forced and very annoying

and on the whole it just isn't very strong. it doesn't really leave much of an impression bc the setting of a ship's interior is largely bland, the plot is fairly barebones and even the "alien" designs are. basically just humans? I really didn't get this, like makeup can be tough and I understand not wanting to do it for a huge cast like is featured early on but. why are they all just humans. there's nothing really said or done to make them stand out from humanity but they're not meant to be humans but they're just. humans. except for Bannakaffalatta

but on the other I actually think it carries a somewhat darker depth similar to the depth found in runaway bride and christmas invasion even - there's an underlying current that ties into the ongoing themes around the 10th Doctor and it becomes really apparent at the end where he's outright told that it's not up to him who lives and who dies and I really loved that exchange between him and the uh faux Earth expert guy it's probably the highlight of the special and really sets the stage for what comes in series 4 and the specials that follow

I also think it's the best the show has looked to this point where it still has that visual charm but isn't too blurry or unfocused. the effects are largely solid and the music has reached that masterpiece level it'll stay at through at least the rest of the era with bombastic themes well mixed with those softer melodies. the writing is also largely fine as is sort of typical of RTD by this stage - the dialogue is snappy and fun even if it lacks in some areas and is a bit too simple in others. they've been good at this for a while now but this is where they're firing greatness on all cylinders

there's some other odds and ends that I both love and hate. I think the TARDIS once again being rendered useless is annoying if only because I think having it could have made the story more interesting - ala Runaway Bride - while I really enjoyed the married couple every time they were on screen. Alonzo is a fun character and his side of the story is probably the best but I also find it really funny how he just stands around with a bullet (from a fucking revolver btw. a HUMAN GUN. hello.) inside of him the entire time and that he survives all of this and presumably goes on to bang Captain Jack at least once

anyway it's a really mixed bag and ultimately really middling I feel even if that just makes it fine at worst really (the power of RTD tbh). weakest holiday special for sure - it doesn't feel like a christmas special at all btw lmao - and going from Last of the Time Lords into this could almost make it seem as if the quality of the writing is decaying and I could see myself being concerned of just such a situation if this were my first time seeing all of this, or if I'd watched these come out in real time way back when

but thankfully as we all know that's not true - for, next episode, Donna's back and we hit the peak of the mountain

[campbluelake]

Love Is Watching Someone Die || Trial Reaction || Goku

Ah.  Leon had forgotten about this part.  It’s awful, it’s torturous, how seeing Warrick’s face makes him perk up, how it quells his sobs.  How his heart flutters, before it can even clench in anticipation for what he knows is coming.  It delights in his voice, cruelly etching every detail of this exchange in his mind.

The first blow is enough to make Leon wince, but he watched every other recap.  It would be rude to be inconsistent.  It would be rude to not memorize Warrick’s agony as his life is violently robbed from him.

If this were any other case, any other victim, Leon might find himself sympathizing with (but certainly not relating to) Jo.  Humanizing her.  Finding reason in her murders.  They’re justifiable, with the right context.  He’d even find it fascinating, from a dramatic analysis standpoint.

It’s so exciting!!  Seeing how the tragic circumstances of one’s upbringing can culminate into such a beautifully flawed character!!  How her fathers could try their best, with what they have, and still create something that induces so much….

“… You….”

So much… hmm, the word escapes him.

“You….. you………. you……”

One hand twitches against Abigail’s, and the other finds it’s way to Alice’s.  He turns his head, looking down and around in disbelief, but it’s clear that this is the only movement he really seems to be capable of– whether it’s grief exhaustion or Ranger Buddy’s anti-violence enchantment is anybody’s guess. 

Once he finds his voice, there’s a rawness to it that hardly sounds like him.

“…. After….. after all that….”

He knew someone like Jo, once.  Not a serial killer, no– but the similarities, in all their pathetic abundance, are enough to remind him of the stove, and his hand welding to it, somehow still too hot to touch after burning for years.

But he realizes that it is not a stove.

It is magma.

And it is consuming him.

And, in this moment, it’s easy.  It’s so easy to be consumed.  It’s so easy to forsake the character profile he’s built for these trials, because the farthest thing from his mind is finding purpose in Warrick’s murder. 

You see, the word he was looking for comes to him.  It rolls over him, igniting his lungs to the point where he can no longer suffer it quietly.

“……. He was already down……..”

After all, if he cannot satisfy the depths of love in his heart…

“….. And you……….”

Then he will simply indulge the rage.

“I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!  After- after ALL THIS.  You have the f- THE GALL to ask for LOVE?  T-to ASK FOR FRIENDS?  To, to, to, to BE UNDERSTOOD?  TO BE HUMAN?”

Leon has never felt angry before– not in any remarkable way that he can recall, anyway.  He’s had angry roles before, managed the balance of voice projection (sorry, by the way, to those near him), perfected the art of body language.

But none of that serves him, here, on a stage where he can hardly move.  Hardly see.  Hardly breathe. 

“I swear- I SWEAR- I SWE-E-EAAR to GOD–”

He’s shaking his head now, mercifully unable to squeeze either hand at his side.  He wishes he had the presence of mind to deliver the monologues that his friends are capable of– to give proper voice to whatever is eating a hole through his lungs.

“WARRICK!  YOU CAN SEE THIS, RIGHT??  I TOLD HER TO HAVE A STUPID GHOST PROM WITH TOMMY.  I NEED YOU TO CRASH IT.”

He’s panting now, lungs flapping pathetically to smother the inferno wreaking havoc through his torso.

“… But… don’t crash it too hard.  I don’t want to hurt Tommy’s feelings.”

Let us not forget in this moment, that this is Leon.

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

the shit happening with the try guys is not just simple celeb gossip it is an abuse of power and friendship and it needs to be fucking called out more