#daily reminder that abusers are awful people

[marshbevvie]

tired of men in my life trying to scare me and make me weaker than i am.. so here goes

just as i take back “bevvie” i take back this.

*to the tune of dove cameron boyfriend*

I could be a better clown than him

[todorokistheories]

Endeavor Is One Of My Favorite Characters

I don't agree with his redemption from a viewer standpoint but heres the thing no one seems to realize.

It's really realistic.

tw: discussion of abuse, toxic masculinity, it's the todorokis what do you expect

I can't count how many middle aged men I've seen realize that what they were told about being a man their entire life was false. They never learned to mature, sit with their feelings, and all they were left with was this anger they never learned how to control.

Now let me make this clear. I am IN NO WAY defending his actions.

Think of those older men you know who are still misogynistic, prideful, greedy. They all think they're better than everyone else because if they don't, they have nothing.

Fathers, uncles, grandfathers, even brothers who were just too proud to sit with the fact that all they've done is hurt have a breaking point. Sometimes that point comes when they're on their deathbed.

Or, like Bakugou he was taught by the ppl around him that he was what everyone wanted to be.

Difference is... he grew up. Endeavor didn't.

He had the great success of his 20s, a loving wife who was bought specially for him, the public's awe, and his first ever prodigy who was going to be even more special than him. He was in the best position he'd ever be in his whole life.

That's why All Might's success messed with him so much.

He was at the highest point of his life and career and he STILL wasn't good enough to become number one.

For a man who only has his pride, that's a huge ego crusher. Unlike bakugou he never sat with this. He became obsessed, deciding that if he couldn't be the best then he'd train his kids so that they were. That way he was still worth something. Because all of his worth was tied to his success.

It didn't matter what stood in his way, because he had two choices: succeed, or admit to himself that he was a failure.

For men who bought into toxic masculinity, yeah that wasn't an option.

And then his worst failure happened. Touya burned.

He died and suddenly those voices that told Enji that he was a failure grew loud enough for him to lash out at everyone who might even hint that they agree. Unfortunately, Rei was in the forefront of that. Every comment about their children turned into a criticism that his ego couldn't handle. It was a personal attack.

And then his second failure happened. Shouto burned.

Suddenly, the shame was too much to handle. So, he sent away the person who would constantly remind him of his inadequacies: Rei. Sent her away to never see the light of day again because he couldn't face it.

He locked everything away and threw away the key, shutting down Shouto verbally and physically just so that he didn't have to think about what he's done. Because he's special, remember? He's better than everyone. He is worth something because he's special.

Then Touya, who he shoved all of this generational trauma onto, turned out to be alive. Not only is he alive, he's the antithesis of what Enji fought his whole life to be.

Suddenly, he couldn't hide anymore. The whole world knew he was a fraud. He's forced to face the jealousy, the embarrassment, the shame, and the feeling of worthlessness that he ruined his life to run away from in the first place.

His career, gone. Image, gone. Youth, gone. His life is over and all he is left with is the shards of a family he broke years ago.

So he embraces it. He accepts the blame for the first time in his life.

And it changes for the better. He can't undo it. He can't fix what he hurt. And he can't truly repair anything. But he can try and that's worth something even if he's not.

This is a scenario that happens daily. This is something that happens in real life. And no one is expected to forgive these people for the harm they've caused. But understanding it is the first step to not repeating it. So yeah, I fucking hate Endeavor but goddamn he's well written.

Horikoshi wrote something very accurate to the experiences thousands of people have and I appreciate that. It's needed in media. There's many things he's done with the Todoroki family that I do not agree with, but the premise of Endeavor's redemption is one that rings true.

[cambriancrew]

-----

Endogenics can have the same problems as traumagenic systems have. They can have sysmates who cause problems. They can have communication issues. They can have sysmates that present in the headspace with different ethnicities. (We do, though our internal ethnicities aren't Earthly ones and there's very little racism in the paracosm, there's other bigotries that are much more common.)

Also, no, dissociation isn't inherently damaging and pathological. Many forms of meditation induce dissociation, and that's demonstrably beneficial and studies have proven it. Many psychotropics induce dissociation, especially weed, and that's beneficial for anxiety and chronic pain issues. People dissociate all the time in their normal daily life - highway hypnosis is a thing, getting lost in a daydream is a thing, getting super focused on a book to the point you lose track of time and forget to eat, drink, etc. It's also super beneficial for dealing with intrusive thoughts: "This thought is not mine and does not reflect what I actually feel or desire."

Also, we Willows have PTSD from an absolutely awful incident of abuse that has manifested as severe emetophobia and intrusive thoughts relating to the abuse and visual and emotional flashbacks when exposed to our trigger or when experiencing nausea. We are in therapy for it, but it's slow going. The only way we can maintain functionality at this point when that trigger happens and we're not at home where we can cry and curl up and wait for it to pass, is switching with one of our tulpas - Jas, as she's the one who volunteered for it and she gets frontstuck easily so the trigger won't rubberband us Willows back into the front. It is demonstrably VERY beneficial to have her handle it, as for her nausea and vomiting are only the normal amount of distressing and easily manageable. That is NOT anti-recovery. For us, it's a very important part of our recovery - especially since we retain the memories when we Willows come back to front, and every experience of our trigger being handled without being colored by our abuse helps us heal as it's a reminder that we're safe now, we're okay, nausea and vomiting sucks but no one is going to hurt us the way our abusers did.

So, to recap: endogenics can have the same issues as traumagenic systems relating to their plurality. The same coping skills apply to all plurals - and for some systems some are harmful, for others they're not, and the distinction between the two isn't divided neatly by origin lines. (Also some endogenics do have CDDs typically but not always from trauma unrelated to their origin, and some traumagenics do not have CDDs.) Dissociation is very common in all humans, and often beneficial. It's only detrimental when it starts interfering with your ability to function.

[giulliadella]

There's one thing about Hazbin Hotel fandom that incredibly pisses me off. It's those people who, when you say that you really hate Valentino, reply with "Well Alastor is the same as Valentino and you like him, so you're a hypocrite."

And that's so not true. Alastor and Valentino have some similarities, both being overlords and manipulative pricks, but they are NOT the same.

Firstly, just look at the way Alastor treats the people whose souls he owns vs. Valentino.

Alastor owns Husk and Niffty, but neither of them seem to be abused on a daily basis, which Angel does experience with Valentino. Alastor and his souls have friendly banter and conversations, whilst Valentino only sees Angel as a money making prompt that he can use however he pleases. I believe that the main difference between them is that Valentino sees the souls he owns as his property, just things to play with and profit from, while Alastor sees them as people.

The scene where Alastor scares off Husk in episode 5 actually proves my point. In that episode Alastor was already irritated by Lucifer's presence and Mimzy's interference didn't help. When Husk came to him, he sounded actually worried for Alastor's safety. That is not a behavior of someone who feels like a trapped slave. Alastor responds by pissing off Husk by calling him his pet cat, which is something Husk despises hearing about. Being angry, Husk slips one of the most intimate pieces of information about Alastor - that the mighty radio demon sold his soul as well. How would Husk know this if he and Alastor aren't close? Maybe he was there when it happened, but I highly doubt it. I believe that Alastor told him that as a secret that Husk had to keep, maybe to help him if his deal gets too much for Alastor alone to handle. By revealing that, husk broke Alastor's trust and his patience, so Alastor told him off by reminding him that he's owned and scaring the living shit out of him. BUT HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY HURT HIM. Five minutes later Husk was fine, he was eating popcorn and gossiping with Angel.

And now look at Valentino's behavior when Angel ticks his nerves. Valentino immediately jumps to violence, he beats Angel physically and later abuses him sexually by forcing him to do sex work. He is literally drugging Angel, demanding that he stays with him 24/7, then he's lovebombing. Valentino exerts control by being an abusive monster. He doesn't see Angel as a person. To him, Angel exists just to make money and this level of abuse caused Angel to have a completely warped image of himself. Angel is trying to destroy himself so that Valentino would leave him alone. This is a completely different level of abuse than what Husk experiences.

And the "But Alastor is a serial killer" argument is also bad. Because we have no idea what kind of overlords he killed. Maybe Alastor killed those overlords to free the souls that were abused by them. The only overlords he didn't kill were Rosie and Zestial and they both seem like respectful people (I can't tell that for Zestial with certainty because he was on screen for like 5 minutes, but Rosie is definitely a good overlord who's treating her souls as people and she's making sure that they are well-fed, well-dressed and safe in her little town). So, a serial killer that is killing slave owners who treat their souls like shit is as bad as serial rapist, sexual abuser who profits from exploiting people that he abuses? Really?

Are both Alastor and Valentino awful people who own souls? Yes.

But are they the same? No, absolutely not.

All that said, maybe I'll be proven wrong in future seasons, but with all the information we have as of now, I can attest to the fact that Alastor is a better person than Valentino, despite all of his flaws, cannibalism and all that, simply because he doesn't profit off of other people's suffering and because he treats his souls as people instead of things.

[ca-suffit]

“that was part of ppl being concerned for sam reid's mental health that felt ridic too…”

in response to this para. it makes sense that ppl are expressing concern abt sam when he’s the one who was seemingly driven offline by whatever he saw, and is afaik the only one there who has expressed that shit he saw impacted his mental health. ofc ppl are gna be sad abt that and feel apologetic and reflect on the fact that a space they’re a part of caused him to feel that way even if they themselves weren’t the ones being hurtful. from what i’ve seen on twitter the lesson ppl have been taking from this is that ppl need to be more mindful abt what they say abt the entire cast, not just sam. and yh he is white, but he had ppl people hoping he would have abuse allegations made against him, ppl saying he was holding jacob and bailey hostage during s1 and that’s still fucked. i don’t think it’s so much a current concern for sam bc as you said he’s not online. but more so general regret and a reminder that just bc someone seems online doesn’t mean they aren’t and if you wouldn’t feel comfortable with them seeing it then you probably shouldn’t say it

not diminishing the real part about this being a strain on him, but sam and other white cast members are the only ones who could mention their mental health and get sympathy in the first place from the fandom as a whole. this wouldn't even have been noticed like this if any of the black or brown actors said it. jacob's talked about his mental health stuff in relation to louis and that's barely ever mentioned. if sam said that about lestat it'd be a daily post here still. even for this, this is gonna last for years here. honestly if (fandom) ppl were surprised by this fandom being awful, they haven't been paying attention. the stories I could tell off anon would prbly fucking kill ppl. why do u think I'm even here. if anyone of the cast and crew ever wants to know in depth shit, they can make attempts to contact me (this is never going to seriously happen btw, god forbid they miss another autumn brown instead or w/e). cuz I bet none of them even know half of it tbh. if they did, they wouldn't be playing nice with the ppl they do. doing that makes it worse for the rest of us and we're not celebrities that anyone cares about. not that I expect sam to know this shit but some motherfucker should have a job focused on this if they're gonna be highlighting ppl from this fandom like they've been doing.

[halfelven]

if this read more doesn’t work i swear to fucking god…

anyway don’t read this it’s stream of consciousness that went places i didn’t expect and it’s sad even though i say it’s funny at the top

homophobia and abuse and csa and lots of awful things warning

a funny thing about my mother is that she’s all oh you have to marry a man! and oh that’s not what is Intended. actually. correction. i have to marry a man if i want a family. (i do.) however she was always telling me to never marry and just focus on my career. in that old fashioned sort of well maybe you’re gay but just don’t act on it way.

but even more so in a you won’t be happy just being a housewife way. (i wouldn’t) which is interesting since she is very smart and was a stay at home mother (and homeschool teacher) (to a genius child) (maybe that made her more fulfilled) (i’m not saying that’s me i’m talking about my little brother. he was off the charts in mathematics. he died when he was only 8 and he was already doing advanced mathematics in his head. was obsessed with prime numbers. he was probably smarter than me though that’s hard to judge because we had slightly different strengths. he was better with mathematics. and i’m very good at mathematics.

(i miss him every day. i don’t like to say this out loud but it’s so hard to find people to have conversations with that span multiple subjects and draw conclusions from combining different fields. we were locked up in a house together but we had access to someone’s old the great lectures or something on VHS. so we’d watch those together. watched a million documentaries on PBS. read a million books. discussed it for hours.

(and oh that reminds me of how i still have a certain nostalgia for my childhood. we had a wood stove—cheaper than using oil during the coldest days—and we’d sit by the fire and read poetry and play chess and parcheesi and scrabble and put on skits and do improv and have hours long discussions or arguments about everything we’d read and recite poetry by candlelight and read through shakespeare’s complete works, each playing so many characters and every night even through high school our mother would read us a story and we’d draw or paint and she did the voices even when she moved from picture books to austen and dickens.

(and i can see why she said she thought we had a happy childhood. in another life where we had enough food and met with other friends and my father didn’t torture us and my brother didn’t die. it could have been summers of berry picking and watching the fireflies without the hideous weight of that man’s anger upon us. i could be doubly sick with longing for the winter days where we just read and played and didn’t long for an ending to this pain. and where me and my sister didn’t make up stories of girls being brutally tortured and murdered and raped. (in varying orders) at an age most children don’t know about sex.

(my mother doesn’t know that. he had her leave the room after the bible portion of our daily devotions. to make breakfast. she made porridge and he told us how women deserved to be raped just for existing. he also was a socialist. he was a pacifist. he voted republican because he was a single issue anti abortion voter. he believed that gay people should be killed for it. he said the world was ending and he stole my youth. but anyway. my mother didn’t know.

(i draw a goddamn diagram of my mother’s life to try to get people to understand. lived in a tiny little isolated village until she was 19. met him when she had dropped out of college because she wouldn’t be fulfilled working as a chemical output inspector. the ones who make sure companies aren’t lying and dumping pollutants. it was too boring. he was 39 and she was 19 and searching for meaning in life. they were married at 20 and 40. twice her age. convinced her the world was ending. hid the worst parts of him because he knew she wouldn’t accept it. still abused her. made it all about your immortal soul. it was a doomsday cult. he was a pedophile. there was never a time i was free.)

which is to say everything in my life is complicated and i was just trying to say something funny about my mother. that she has that oh but can’t you just pretend you aren’t kind of homophobia. she also doesn’t really watch movies since she falls asleep. BUT she knows which of my favourites have beautiful women in them and she comes running to see just that part. “tell me when arwen comes on” then she just stands and watches arwen til she’s gone and says she’s so beautiful and leaves. hmm. want to think about that, äiti?

[xatsperesso]

Really we need more fics/headcanons about Iruma's traumas. What his parents did to him is often showed as a joke but it's not.

The trauma of the Harvest Festival showed that he suffers of big abandonnement issues, that he fears to be alone again. He FEARS his parents and what their presence would mean.

His kindness/willingness to help every people who ask for it is a result of what they did to him, even if Iruma has naturally a very kind nature.

Of course he starts to change, but until recently he was not used that adults care for him and protect him. When he has asking to Kalego to save him against Atori was very new. It was literally the first time that he really asked to a adult to save him.

It probably mean that the teachers in the human world didn't pay attention at him. They didn't realize that he was abused and neglected, that he was more a slave for his parents that their child. No adults noticed that he was suffering. No adults asked question about "why a child works for me". No one CARED.

No wonder that he didn't trust adults/teachers before. It take one year for that he feel finally safe with his demons teachers, enough to scream "sensei" when he felt in danger. Or to feel enough comfortable to be alone with them/eats with them/feel asleep near of them (in the teacher dorm visit).

He get used to the friendship in this class but I think that it may be too soon for romantic love for him. He doesn't need it for now. He needs to feel loved. He needs to get first used to feel safe, loved by friends and family and all.

And finally Iruma and Food. It's turned as a joke but Iruma eats a lot. First he was saying "you'll never know when you'll be able to eat again" but in this world he has never lacked food, so he should eat less after some time. And if Azz and Clara needed to create the "snack police" it's that Iruma eats too much snacks in a day (he hides to eat his snacks sometimes).

He didn't gain weight so i guess that it's just for the laugh.

I really wonder if some teachers didn't have some "red flags" with Iruma, especially at the beginning. I think that Murmur would the best to speak with Iruma about his traumas but then Sulllivan would be forced to put him in the "secret gang" with Balam, Opera, Bachiko and himself.

Ya see, this is why fanfics hit differently. Why i read them

Because unlike the official manga in any series I've read so far, fanfic tackle the trauma

Past trauma, recent trauma. The fanfic author gives our characters space to breathe, to heal. Something the manga writers can't really do

Because they need to grab readers attention. While fanfic writers are just doing this for free. They're doing it for themselves, so they do whatever feels right to them without worrying about the readers getting bored (some do worry, and this is your daily reminder that those who read fanfics are already attached to the characters, so do whatev you want in your story. No matter what you'll find a lil' cult loving it)

Iruma went through a lot, and I dont think he's yet processed how fucked up his life has been until now.

His parents absence = never feeling safe. Never feeling loved

His parents manipulating him to work and earn money for them (not sure if it's manipulation but it's still awful)

As you said, all the adults not saying/noticing anything, so they cannot be trusted

All the near death scenarios he's went through

Him living in a forest. No roof over his head, food not guaranteed. Having to fend off predators and other animals off his food

And then when he went to the demon world it just kept getting worse

He almost blew off his limbs, and a teacher said to his face that they wanted to see it happen (I understand there's a difference between human and demon culture, but this was iruma's first week)

Almost falling to his death because a teacher pushed him (again, difference between humans/ demons so can't really be blamed)

Kirio, the first person to really show him the difference between humans and demons

Almost losing his first friend (making an assumption here) because of his own choices

The harvest festivals. I don't think one breakdown is enough for the shit that has happened in his past life

And then iruma almost getting kidnapped by atori. I refuse to believe he was able to sleep for a while. I heard the elevator in my apartment complex moving and got up to check the front door was locked. There’s no way he was able to just sleep after what happened in the heartbreaker.

A lot of shit happened since he came to the demon world

but his life in the demon world is way better than before.

Now he has guardians that truly care about him

Now he has friends that love him, and teachers that support him

And even if something happened. If somehow, in the very worst scenario possible, he'll still have Ali-san, his number one supporter (tied with sulli and azz)

There's more danger, his chances of dying is higher, the very maddening thought that once his secret comes out everyone will reject him is always there

But i still believe that his life in Babyls is better

At the very least, if something was to happen, he would have known what it feels like to be loved, if even for a moment

[ben10shera2020]

Glimmer has always been an awful person and incompetent leader

To all Glimmer stans and fans, GLIMMER IS SO AWFUL. She's a hypocrite, selfish, brash, self centered, entitles, a brat, she's ALMOST as unbearable as Chibi-Moon, stubborn, immature, annoying, N a waste of screen time. her Mom ONLY became likable when she Martyred herself also. NEVER WRITE CHARACTERS LIKE THIS. Glimmer’s always been unlikable. She’s been a bitch to her mother and never think of how much of a ungrateful brat she’s been to Angella. Controlling and manipulative to Bow yet she treats him like a slave, literally she never apologized for her selfish behavior in Princess Prom. Selfish in general, she doesn’t care about any of her responsibilities as a queen and go off to fight, because it’s fun.

angella deserved a better daughter. this whole season glimmer has been selfish, annoying, and not to mention all together power hungry and a shitty person. she doesn't know the things that adora and bow do and refuses to admit it and goes head first without considering how she is going to affect others and the planet as a whole. she continues to interact with shadow weaver and seek her corrupt knowledge even knowing that shadow weaver abused her friend for many, many years. she went behind adoras back and talked to light hope despite that light hope's programing was to destroy the fucking planet. 

how do y'all stan her,,,, she Sucks big time and has always been pretty fucking annoying. Daily reminder that Glimmer is a war criminal and she should be tried for war crimes. She definitely doesn’t deserve a happy ending ❤️

Catra is better person than Glimmer at least she grew as a character and Glimmer didn’t. Glimmer is the same annoying, shortsighted spoiled brat with loyalty issues and trust issues. Catra is a better person than Glimmer. Catra is nothing like Glimmer. Catra loves Adora. Catra grew as a person Glimmer did not. Glimmer sided with Shadow Weaver, a pure evil narcissist, who abused and traumatized Catra and Adora. Glimmer doesn't understand the hell Shadow Weaver put Adora and Catra through. Glimmer treated Angella like crap, betrayed her mother's trust, proved to be disloyal to her mother and friends, tends to be manipulative and controlling of Bow, treats Bow like a slave, lets her emotions control her, and does things out of spite. Catra did bad things yes because she was hurting and Glimmer is just a selfish pigheaded brat and an emotionally stunned child. I'd say Glimmer hurt Catra and Adora bad by siding with Shadow Weaver as well as Angella who actually grew as character like Adora and Catra.

Glimmer is low-key annoying I'm open to hearing everyone's opinions, I just wanted to express how I feel about Glimmer in particular. I personally just find her personality annoying. She mostly seems to cause problems/is easily manipulated. Example, with Double Trouble/Catra, Shadow Weaver, and when she refused to listen to the advice of her friends on multiple occasions. It wasn't until the very end of the series that she actually learned to control her impulsiveness, and that was only because she basically almost ended the entire world. 

I understand that Glimmer wanted to be treated like an adult, be respected and trusted by everyone including her mother and friends, and wanted people to take her seriously but she needed to be responsible, level headed, mature, reasonable, rational and logical and not act like a spoiled child. 

[tristayranambrosio]

Vengeance/Satisfaction Day 4 - February 21 DWC

(Content Warning!!!: This particular story has very sensitive content and I urge any readers to understand the severity of that. The story contains Drug Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Prostitution and addiction, Power imbalance, Closeted Queer Identity and related pressures of society, and just all around awful. This is from Trist’s perspective as we’re flipping from him to Jezza for these writing challenges but you all NEED to know what you’re getting into Jericho is a -villain- he is supposed to be horrible, please feel free to hate him I know I do.) @daily-writing-challenge )

Jericho Archstone was a known peddler of vice in Silvermoon since far before I was born. His empire had been built on the backs of addicts, and what was worse he knew full well the horrors of what he did to those who were desperate. When they could no longer pay, he came up with increasingly creative ways to exploit his clientele, my mother was among them. He filled her veins with poison with the constant reminder that she had the choice… but she’d always make the one that got her more of the very substance that destroyed her. But my mother is dead now… I’m all that’s left, And after the thousandth time I destroyed his supply of illicit substances with their hateful effects that he expected me to use or sell, he had to resort to another way to gouge her debts from my flesh. By putting it on the market to anyone with as twisted an appetite as his. I tried to run… but unlike the guards of this wretched city his drug addled goons had more motivation than gold or the satisfaction of roughing up a bard that was better at seducing their lovers than they’d ever be… if these jerks caught me they’d get their fixes free of charge. It wasn’t as if I never tried to escape him… eventually I accepted I would simply pay my mother’s debts and give in to the monster’s satisfaction.

“Who’s the Brute then.” Jericho sneered at me fiddling with his rings counting them like he always did, “You holding out on me? I haven’t seen a cut from his visits.” “He’s not paying.” I say flatly, I’m bored, tired, long past thoughts of Vengeance for what he did to my mother, and so disassociated I don’t even register it’s for me I should be vengeful. “You’re giving it away for -free- now?!” He booms furious. “You don’t -own- me anymore Jericho. You had your money a year ago. Leave me alone.” I say and never before had I let my voice sound so dead. “That’s fucking bull shit, slut. You still sell yourself, and I want the cut I deserve for -raising- you. Out of the goodness of my HEART!” I want to scream, roar… but I don’t, I simply reply the way I’ve trained myself to, the way I learned to meet even monsters with. A soft pity in my tone, “You need to have a heart first… all that’s left in you is a cruel organ that only draws satisfaction from your golden idol and your ring of loyal addicted followers.”

“You know every once and a while I think you might be my hellspawn and then you spout some shit like that. What’s he PAYING to leave those bruises on you? It’ll spook other buyers.” He scoffs at me, giving my whole body a disgusted once over, unimpressed as always despite the small fortune he got off selling me to lonely people who just needed to hear they were wanted. That was part of why I didn’t hate what I had been for him… the junkies couldn’t afford me, so I was often thrown to people who thought the only way they could have someone like me would be to pay. A fantasy that could convince them I loved them at least as long as the gold made it into Jericho’s pockets. So many of them were just lonely, some of them I helped assure, gave them the confidence to pursue those they longed for or just… forgive themselves for the mistakes they made in their lives. Convincing them they were better than paying for me generally pissed Jericho off but the gold he made shut that up. “I told you. He’s not paying.” I remind him. Bored. “You’re fucking a Orc-Chiefling brute that would be disowned for consorting with a whore like you? If he was paying he might actually retain some dignity in their eyes, but no you’re just giving it away when you should be threatening to expose his deviance, Is that the plan? Get him in good then get the hush money out of him when he’s good and hooked? Maybe you are Daddy’s little leech, the fruit of my very loins.” He smiles at me with all teeth as he stalks after me, long strides keeping pace as I try to just get back to the Curtain. The reminder of what he took from my Mother for years and the implication that he might be my sire sticks like tar in my insides and I want to be sick.

“There’s no -plan- Jericho. I’m not exposing anyone. Leave. Me. Alone.” “No just fuckin him and risking his discovery. You know -I- don’t give a rats ass but I know that clan of uptight jackasses. They won’t like that their Chief’s son is dallying with a washed up elf Whore, no matter how pretty.” “It's none of your business or concern.” I make to storm off but he grabs my arm and sinks his nails into my skin painfully, and for a moment I’m the scared boy I was when he came for me the first time, when he demanded the gold I’d made playing and singing and took everything but Hypernia and my Rose… I feel small and afraid and know this man was the one that had killed my mother slowly while I had to watch her wither away into madness... How do you fight something so huge, that sees us like chattel that bleed gold into his coffers. “That’s where you’re wrong, little boy.” He hisses into my ear, “You -are- my business.” I find my voice but it trembles out of me, “Not. A-anymore. I paid you all my mother owed. I worked for it, you got everything, l-let me-” “No. Give me what you have. I want you to PROVE all you’ve got in your purse is the chicken scraps that your beloved DIRECTOR gives you.” He sneers at the Cabaret again… my sanctuary, my safe haven from him… and I realize he’s sizing up a target. He’d tried to buy the place but Nestor wouldn’t sell nor would he allow Jericho’s goons to peddle for him on the premises. It was by no means a dry or sober place, but Nestor didn’t want anything to do with the Archstone empire… The only reason they were in jeopardy was because of me then too, because Nestor took me in when he caught me sleeping under his tables. I tremble at the thought of those inside coming to harm because of my refusal to comply and I shove my coin purse into his chest then wrench free, “Take it. Leave me alone!” I take off but I don’t run… if I show anyone it puts them at risk… Jericho doesn’t need the meager wage in my purse… its not about that. Its about reminding me that the world doesn’t like people like me, people who refuse to lose their faith in others because of monsters like him. I will never give him the satisfaction of breaking me.   

[onlyyours2love]

And here we see the Tangled the series fan bouncing from one animated show, show ran by an awful, racist, sexist that abused his animation and writing team to another show, show ran by an awful racist, transphobic abuser of her staff.

hi there! thank you for passing by my blog <3

The thing I love about animation (or any medium for that matter: books, movies, comics, poetry, etc) is that it is art. It is something that I resonate with, enjoy, and become passionate about at least on a personal level. It's a story that's all-consuming and moving and the fact that I am moved by art brings me an euphoria that reminds me I'm human. It reminds me of the beautiful things in life and the good that can come from the power of creation humans have at their disposal.

I will now stop sounding like a hippie and get to the point I wanna make.

You said it yourself: the animated shows I enjoy and publicly talk about were created by a group of people.

A staff. A team.

Many of them (I'm sure you would know since you seem to know a lot about what happens BTS), make their own sneaky changes and originality to the story and it passes by unnoticed by creators. I'm talking animators, writers, storyboarders. I can think of multiple examples of fandoms I've been in.

Though the 'creator' leads the staff and their own story and every nook and cranny that's built in a story and a medium, you still need a team unless you're doing all of it solo, which are very rare few-in-between projects that rarely get to the mainstream.

That being said, I know very well that awful people are at the top of these projects. Amazon (prime video) itself is a capitalist gigant that I abhor, big companies suck. Disney sucks. I'm aware of the whole Chris Sonnenburg dude joining the Daily Wire. It sucks, but that does not mean I will turn a blind eye to the amazing ass team who worked on said projects (I can quite literally name a few who are legends within the TTS fandom). The staff Is what really brings the whole thing together, and I want to applaud them for it.

I can separate the art from the artist and simultaneously be conscious of who's creating these things.

If I were to go with your logic, dear Anon, in that case, I'm sure there wouldn't be a single show/media that you would consume. That's just the truth.

[nerves-nebula]

Hi! This is going to sound weird, but you really are the only blog I know that talks so openly about abuse and strained family relationships, so I come bearing a question or more so, hope for some advice. The thing is, I don't know what is wrong with my family. Like, I know we aren't perfectly healthy and that being here makes me feel awful, but I can't pinpoint what exactly is wrong. My parents don't beat me up and they don't prohibit me from doing normal teenager stuff. But, well, one of them does yell at me and my siblings, insults me and makes fun of me when I try to respond, tells me things like "you choose to feel bad" or "you only want to move out because you don't want to have anyone reminding you have responsabilities", she marks everything I do wrong with a lot of severity, even the little things like how I put on my clothes. And the other one simply isn't present. Even when he's here he doesn't intervene, like he's some sort of spectator and not a vital part of this family. They love me and my siblings, that much I'm certain, but they completely fuck it up on a daily basis. And I feel like I have to pick up the pieces because I'm the oldest and supposedly an adult already (according to my parents) (I'm 17). I'm very tired now and don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Just, asking for some advice and hoping I'm not being too much, sorry.

HEY. THIS IS like literally the same situation as me lmao. My parents ALSO don't beat me and they also didn't generally prevent me from doing normal teen shit (ok well that ones complicated but it's w/e ). one of them is usually away as well.

it sounds like, from what you've said here, that your parents (or parent?) are emotionally abusive. my mom doesn't have to beat me to make me feel sick and paranoid for days after visiting her. both my parents have a habit of just fucking sitting back and watching horrible shit go down in our family.

my parents have fostered a culture of blanket cruelty and ridicule and disregard for people's feelings that makes living with them a fucking nightmare. it's also made all of us WORSE people to be around to the point that it's still effecting me and my siblings relationships today because we're generally just more likely to be cruel and not realize how mean we're being (examples include laughing at peoples misfortune, laughing at people's emotions, not taking someone's emotions as seriously as we should, being dismissive, being unemapthetic/unsympathetic, and a whole host of other tiny behaviors we have to consciously work on)

me and my sisters used to say that our family wasn't exactly "broken" but we are severely dysfunctional. because we couldn't exactly figure out where we fit into the broken to healthy family scale. we were definitely NOT healthy, but also definitely not "broken" so, we settled on dysfunctional.

and i've talked about this before, but my parents DO love me. they do believe that they love me, and i know that for sure. HOWEVER the WAY they love me is in a way that I refuse to accept as valid/genuine love. because if i accepted that as valid love, then i would have to accept any other abusive person or stalker's love as equally valid. if you claim to love someone and just treat them like shit all the time, break their boundaries, and dismiss their feelings, then it doesn't really matter how much you think you care about them cause you're hurting them, and refusing to change.

anyway, one of your parents severity reminded me of something! all my mom does all day is judge people. it's like, a hobby of hers. she's made me hella neurotic about appearing in public because i KNOW people like her are out there judging everyone by every possible metric. she's often needlessly cruel and very randomly strict about things (wont care one day if i wear pants/shorts to church under my dress but will have a screaming fit about it some other day) growing up with her was a nightmare because if you didn't do things the way she saw as the right way, she would mock and belittle you. and if you said that hurt your feelings she would laugh, because it's "not a big deal" or something.

the only upside to this was that me and my siblings got very, VERY good at being mean back to her. so by the time we were all teens we were like rabid dogs chomping at the bit to absolutely roast her ass.

the unfortunate side of this is that i can be very quick witted when it comes to being mean to someone i love but it takes me much, MUCH longer to think of something nice to say. which makes me seem like i don't think nice things about my loved ones. oops!

SORRY FOR THE RANT HAHA- to get back to your question, it sounds like your parents don't respect your emotions in a really damaging way, which hey, i'm sorry about.

also 17 is not basically an adult. like maybe im not the best to ask about this cause im not even over 25 yet (btw im not saying my exact age thats why i keep giving general age ranges lol) but like. 17 is absolutely not an adult. 18-19 is like, a baby adult at BEST. it sounds like there might be some parentification going on if you have to "pick up the pieces" for them because you're "basically an adult" but i'd need to know more to say for sure.

etc etc your feelings are valid or w/e. sorry not sure how to end this.

[lya-dustin]

All is bliss

Chapter 37

Gif by @dailyhotdgifs

Taglist: @mercedesdecorazon @darylandbethfanforever9 @watercolorskyy @alexandria-millie @ewanmitchellcrumbs @sweethoneyblossom1

“The queen said none would be given a burial.” Criston says as he comes to escort her back inside.

Aemma managed to get him to take the route through the gardens because she was supposed to get her daily walk done anyways.

Orwyle had been very stern with her about taking care of her health. The Grand Maester was getting on her nerves, but then again, one of his assistants kept suggesting leeching to remove the excess black and yellow bile in her blood saying the old method was better than this.

“That’s rather odd, I never said that.” Aemma retorts reminding him Alicent no longer is in charge here.

Alicent had only just left and yet her loyal shadow believed she still held any power anymore.

The Green Queen will find the Court as black as night.

“Besides, why would she tell Aegon to be so careless as to deny them a respectful burial?

Had this been done by my faction, you and my darling goodmother would be amongst the first to condemn it.” Aemma added driving her point home.

It was all about optics.

Daemon was painted as a demon when Criston Cole was lauded for doing the same to nearly four noble families.

Alicent worshiped for usurping the throne to protect her children while mother hated for doing the same.

Of course, if you went to their side, you would find the opposite of this.

And the truth is, everyone was both.

People were not all bad, not all good. People were just people.

Yes, Daemon had done his fair share of atrocities in this war and the previous one, but he was a decent man at his core.

He had treated her just as he would treat his daughter, he had her back when mother in her paranoia would confine her to the keep and, from what she had seen growing up, he was a good husband to her mother.

Yes, Criston Cole was a great knight and yet once you looked past the shiny armor and white cloak, you saw he was awful.

He had the audacity to call her mother a whore to all and sunder when he had been able to leave her room instead of deflowering her, he killed people after they had surrendered, he had joined the queen in her incessant emotional abuse all those years when she was a child.

“You are not wrong---,” the knight admitted before treating her like a child under his care, “---but the next time you wish to act on your sense of justice, let us know before someone betrays you to get a leg up in court.”

“I know it wasn’t the Septon, who ratted me out to you?” the young queen asked him and wondered what it would take for him to toss Alicent over.

“The guards, one was demoted and sought a restoration of his position.” The Lord Hand who fettered her like a dangerous criminal relaxes and Aemma is amazed to know he could be pleasant company.

“Once you would have jumped at the chance to make an example out of me, I am surprised you have not brought it to my husband’s attention.” Aemma comments wondering if he’s over his bouts of irrational hatred.

“The king would not like his time wasted on these matters, and seeing as you were doing a good deed, it would be wrong to demand you be punished for it.” The knight approves of her actions, how extraordinary!

If only he hadn’t been so cunt struck by Alicent, the realm wouldn’t be in such a sorry state.

“Speaking of good deeds, have you dealt with the problems in the city, those very specific ones the merchant guild and the representative of the street of silk brought forward?” she asked hoping he had gotten to it.

He had been horrified to know his perfect queen had ignored suffering and sin like that.

From Otto Hightower, it would be uncharacteristic of him to care for anyone beside himself.

Alicent, however, had her entire reputation built on being good, chaste, and charitable.

It was far too easy to destroy her image given how much she did to satisfy her, thankfully, dead father’s ambitions.

“I have begun inquiries, but it goes far deeper than that. Lord Wylde and I have decided that we need to use guards that have not been bribed yet.” He answered as they found common ground: fixing this fucking shithole.

If there wasn’t so much awfulness in their shared past, Aemma would have thought she had found an ally in him.

Mother has been gone for a moon and already the rumors of her being a wicked witch who eats baby’s hearts are utterly forgotten.

He was right on one thing, the outcome of the Riverlands battles would be all they would speak about.

The Battle by the Lakeshore proved to be a failure.

The Lannisters had already suffered defeats and under Lord Lefford’s command suffered another one.

Even without Daemon, the Riverlords had decimated the Westerners with the help of a battalion of old northerners calling themselves the Winter Wolves.

The Fishfeed they called it.

The survivors had managed to hole up in the blackened ruins of Harrenhal and now Aemond was needed to go and save them.

And not like gain them ground or anything glorious, no, Aemond and Vhagar were needed to carve out a path for a retreat.

Unfortunately, because Aemond is as green as their mother’s faction ---something Aegon loves to bring up as he shows off his newly healed burn scars---, Criston has to go too leaving the city very unprotected and without a hand.

It is a twenty-day march, and it will take an added week to finish the preparations and draft battle plans.

In the meantime, Aegon needs a Hand.

“You could name grandfather your Hand and get the Velaryon Fleet at your feet,” Aemma said rhyming on purpose as they go over plans for the nursery as he pretends their agreement has been forgotten.

The truth was, he had not been able to get his little king up no matter what Alys or Jena tried and if she knew now that his prick no longer works, Aemma would go running to his dullard of a brother.

Or worse, find a way to escape and go to her brothers and uncle in Dragonstone now that they’ve retaken it.

Instead, he tries to be a good husband and friend so that when she comes to know of his impotence, she will feel a little bad about it and maybe not leave the second she has a chance.

After all, she caused it by rebelling instead of taking her dragon and returning to her husband like a normal wife would have done.

“As great of an idea as that is, my grandfather would rise from the dead and strangle me with the chain of office.” He said pretending he was for it.

If he gave her everything she wanted, she would take it from him and have him put down like an old horse.

This had been Criston’s new advice.

Tyland Lannister would be acting as hand because the hand of the king chooses his replacement, or so he said after dealing with the issue about the children in Flea Bottom.

The Guilds who brought their petition to Aemma had been so thankful for that and gave him the head of the one-armed poor fellow who was preaching against him and his family.

Tyland was a good man, good for the job and would make sure things run smoothly. He may be less likely to give into Aemma’s whims, especially the more dangerous ones.

Even Jaehaerys made sure his wife knew her place, Criston had said.

Aemond had pushed for Ironrod to keep the west from taking it the wrong way, but Aegon agreed to Criston’s suggestion because Tyland would absolutely interpret it as a sign to bring his infernal niece to court.

Tyland would bring her to pressure a match between Tyshara and Aemond or the other ones with Daeron and get a dragon to deal with the Ironborn.

Once his brother proves his worth, he will be sent the Casterly Rock and be out of his life. If Lady Johanna Westerling had a daughter or a disappointment, he could make Aemond Lord Paramount of the West and get him away from his wife’s bed and heart.

“Tyland is perfectly adequate for the job.” Aegon says and his wife struggles to keep being the devoted little wife.

The moment something doesn’t go her way, Aemma fights with herself as if being nice and loving towards him costs too much.

Like now.

Love takes time, far too much, the king thinks as Aemma’s smile grows tight as she agrees with him.

“Lady Tyshara would make a good bride. Her mother is like to have another daughter and you would be Lord of Casterly Rock.” Cole said as they went over what the Lannisters did wrong in their foray into the Riverlands.

The last thing they have heard was that the Blacks had retaken Dragonstone and everything past Duskendale.

Daemon had left the Riverlands and brought Jacaerys, Lucerys and Addam Waters together with sellsails the bastard had bought with the stolen treasury.

According to Larys, they were assembling an army of dragon riders amongst the Dragonseeds scattered about in the crownlands.

An orphaned shepherdess in Driftmark had claimed the ugly brown dragon, a smith called Hugh had claimed Vermithor and a household guard named Ulf had claimed a wild one.

Some had died trying to claim Syrax, the Cannibal and Aemma’s dragoness.

They were plotting to take Kingslanding soon, going to do so the moment they arrived at Harrenhal.

Only an idiot would not see the trap. Unfortunately, that idiot was their king.

But his idiot brother wanted him out of his hair and wedded to the bitchy blonde who called Helaena names when they were last in court.

“I cannot risk having a wife who would question the paternity of Aemma’s children.” Aemond reminds him.

Knowing the precarious situation they were in gave him time and opportunity to turn down eager ladies.

Eager ladies who wrote him sonnets and sent them with their uncle. Fuck, Tyshara even sent him a warhorse as pale as his hair.

“She does not need to know.” The Kingsguard countered. “Besides if the queen has a son, you wouldn’t need to continue the affair.”

“Mother may tell Aegon he needs a spare, or a daughter to wed his son.” And I don’t wish to stop it, Aemond could add that part, but bites his tongue. “In mother’s desperation to please her father, she damned me to live Harwin’s life.”

Sometimes he has nightmares where Driftmark happens all over again, but instead of losing his eye again it is Aenys taking his trueborn son’s eye for being called a bastard.

It is a gruesome thing, to see two little boys look almost like twins except one bloody and maimed as he was and the other whole.

Aenys clings to his mother who was round with child once more while his wife shouted and cried for justice.

Aemma does not call for the child to be questioned like her mother did, but Aegon and mother do this time.

It doesn’t matter that Aenys apologizes and claims it was an accident, his wife demands an eye for an eye as the boy bites his tongue just as Aemond did when asked where he heard the word bastard.

He tries to stop them, feeling helpless as his nameless and faceless wife charged at Aemma because once again his lover has taken everything from her.

The dream always ends with his dagger trespassing Aemma’s heart as she stands between his wife and their child.

He cannot let it become true.

“Your highness!” his page runs into the war room covered in sweat and preceding Vhagar’s roars in the distance. “Your Highness! Vhagar, she has begun laying eggs!”

[ecargmura]

My Happy Marriage Episode 1 Review: Taisho Era Cinderella Story

Ah yes, the classic Cinderella story. We get a girl being mistreated by her family after her father gets remarried and then she meets the rich man who will save her from her hell. As cliche as the trope gets, I actually like the trope. I like seeing the lead character be super withdrawn and having that one special person come into their life and make them open up and change them for the better.

However, there are some interesting things that differs My Happy Marriage from the usual Cinderella story. First off, Miyo, our main character, has her father who got remarried. After the birth of her half-sister Kaya, both her biological father and her stepmother mistreat her and her younger sister looks down on her.

The entire first episode is just making Miyo be in the worst situation possible. Miyo’s daily life is just cleaning. Her childhood sweetheart gets engaged to her younger sister and she gets sent off to be married into another family. You just can’t help but feel bad for Miyo.

Miyo is just a miserable character for now. I feel bad for her. She’s been so emotionally abused that all her personality got sucked out and she’s only a shell for now. I just hope that Kiyoka can bring in some personality into her.

Oh boy, Miyo’s family sucks balls. I did mention that her BIOLOGICAL father neglected her after his remarriage. Her stepmother is also terrible. It sucks that the two only care about Kaya and not Miyo. The only “good” thing her father did for her was buying her a nice kimono for the marriage interview. If you look at the things she had packed, she only had two pairs of clothes. That means her father has never bought her clothes until now. On top of that, he makes Miyo go to her arranged partner’s house ON HER OWN! WITHOUT AN ESCORT! He’s certainly not winning any Father of the Year awards ever. Her stepmother is just awful. She doesn’t care about her stepdaughter at all and it shows. She belittles her whenever she can. Kaya is also a bitch. She just looks down on her and sneers at her whenever she can. Like, the way she looked at Miyo as she was getting engaged to Koji made me want to punch her so bad. She just seems like an entitled bitch. Don’t tell me she’s going to go after Kiyoka when she learns that he’s a better catch? 

Miyo’s childhood friend Koji seems like the only one who’s genuinely nice to her, but not even he can stand up to his family. It sucks that the only light in Miyo’s life has to be taken away. It seems that his family is quite powerful because he cannot choose who to marry and such. It sucks that society back then was like this. It just feels heartbreaking to know how many bonds have been broken due to arranged marriages and the powerlessness to prevent them.

I’m also curious to why they arranged her to meet Kiyoka. Did they request her? I don’t think this was ever explained. Her father was like “Here, go to this man’s house. Get married. Bye,” and refuses to elaborate. Who set this up?

My opinion on Kiyoka is nothing right now; he just appeared towards the end of the episode. How am I supposed to make an opinion about that? I just hope he’s a nice guy. Miyo needs some good people in her life.

The anime is super pretty, though! I love the background details like the cherry blossom tree, the water and the trains. Given that Western clothes existed and there are trains, I’m assuming this show takes place during the Taisho era? Because I get reminded of Demon Slayer since that show’s setting takes place in the Taisho era too.

The voice acting is great! Reina Ueda voices Miyo and she does a great job with the soft-spoken tone. Ayane Sakura voicing Kaya was good too. Sakura is a versatile voice actress. She can be the sweetest thing ever or she can dish out the haughty bitch voice with relative ease. Kana Ueda voices Miyo’s stepmom and I’m not used to her voicing an adult since I’m always more familiar with her cutesy roles. I think that the biggest mindblowing role is Kaito Ishikawa in his 5 minute screen time. I’m usually familiar with Ishikawa playing loud, brash and hot-blooded characters so for him to voice a stoic, stern man like Kiyoka is going to take some time for me to get used to.

Overall, Miyo deserves a happy life. I do wonder when the supernatural elements will be implemented into the story since the first episode is just showcasing how bad Miyo’s life is and that she gets sent off to marriage. This is an adaptation of a rather popular light novel series. Maybe I should give it a read when I get the chance.

[houseofbrat]

My contempt for Wales Wailers grows daily. Pretty much every single detail of the Coronation from the media has been wrong. This week alone the DM was screaming that KC left Angels Kelly homeless with the usual meltdowns about how awful he is - actually turns out he bought her a house closer to his family.

Now the flower tiara which Low has zero concrete details on, has them losing their minds. Because apparently the Coronation is about W&C. Neither have done one Coronation related engagement. William couldn’t even bother to show up at Passage charity when they did interfaith meal prep and serving. KP social accounts haven’t liked or shared any posts related to the Coronation. But I’m supposed to be bothered about what two people who can’t be bothered to support the event are wearing?

As for the Wailers, the latest vitriol reminds me so much of the abuse they lobbed at KC during the mourning period…because Scobie claimed H&M was invited to the diplomatic reception. William invites Harry and Meghan on a walkabout and that was excused away. Scobie of all people tells a lie, and they abuse a grieving man, who was actually busy that week, to high heaven. Disgusted doesn’t even begin to describe what I think of them. Wish they would follow through and “be done” with the Monarchy until their coddled faves come to the throne so the rest of us can enjoy the event!

Same.

[angelnumber27]

love u so much! sometimes life will seem like it has more downs than ups, but just know we (humans) are ever changing and we have the capacity to literally rewire our brains. it's never easy to change from 0 to 100 or even 0 to 50, but it is possible. i am truly so proud of the growth you have shared over the past few years and always remember you are special. you are truly beautiful inside and out. your intelligence, humbleness, and inner charisma is something no one will ever take away from you ❤️. even in times where you think there is nothing for you in this world, just know you have a little community here cheering for you (some quietly and some loudly)

I love you! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

My goodness thank you SOOO much for saying this. I currently live solely with someone who has never acknowledged my strength or things I have overcome as far as my severe mental health struggles, being close to death multiple times, suicide attempts, addictions of all kinds, and the work I have done in recovery and healing. I have some people who are really wonderfully supportive of me and remind me that it was a very difficult thing I did and that I’m so strong and survived so many things and that I should be proud and for that I am beyond blessed and grateful but in my day to day environment I unfortunately do not get to see said people.

And exactly! I have made text posts similar to what you said about how we are all unfinished beings and oddly enough I actually have posts about rewiring your brain as well!

Anything is possible for anyone if I did what I did as far as getting clean from fentanyl in my own bed all alone half dead in horrid withdrawals w no meds or help like… anybody can heal from or overcome anything if I was able to do that, especially under the circumstances of being amidst the worst heartbreak I’ve ever experienced (5 years gone) and having to attempt to put the pieces of myself back together after horrible daily severe abuse and awful trauma. On top of really really bad mental issues I was having at the time. And he took our sweet angel cat in the breakup which tore me up. All of that emotional agony on top of the physical agony I was feeling after suddenly not having the incredibly strong pain killing drug my body had become so accustomed to taking every hour in my system for the first time in 3+ years was so unbearable. I am truly surprised I made it through that. And I’m still going through it. But I’m here. I’m alive against all odds and statistics

Message to everyone: if I did that, you can do that thing you swear you aren’t able to do. I promise. You will never be 100% ready and sometimes things will be very scary but you owe it to yourself to try your hardest anyway.

This is the most sweet beautiful thing…. Thank you endlessly for your kindness, the world needs more beings like you 🧚🏻‍♂️🥹 I don’t deserve this omg you’re so damn sweet

I absolutely adore my little community on here. You guys are the greatest most supportive loving angelic people and I’m sooooo lucky to be able to interact with all of you!!!!

This is so long I’m so sorry lmfao

Have a wonderful day/afternoon/night wherever you may be my love 😇🧿

[childeapologist]

My partner and I have at least one huge verbal clash a month. I'm an autistic adult that absolutely has one or more other undiagnosed mental illnesses. I have a hard time working between my chronic migraine pain and mental illnesses. I am medicated but the side effects are almost as bad as what my medications are supposed to treat. I constantly feel trapped by my own state and existence. So I am entirely financially reliant on my boyfriend, and he did get me out of an emotionally abusive situation with my mother. I am grateful and I do understand how much he is doing for me. I hate feeling like such a burden no matter who I live with, but this is just where my life is at right now. However, I am an artist and I have a lot of media skills and I've been working towards an online career with all of my excess free time. I have a lot of symptoms of either BPD (borderline personality) or just Bipolar. My emotions can be so potent and extreme, especially when negative, it is unbearable. When I hit extremes, I start to just split and see the world in black and white. These arguments always push me to where I start splitting. It feels awful, it happens when I am so overstimulated that my brain HAS to start oversimplifying everything because that feels like the answer. I understand it must not be the easiest thing for someone close to me to deal with and it isn't fun for them to watch me go through it. However I also pose the question to him often: if it's awful to experience externally, then imagine what is going on for me on the inside?? It usually starts with me being upset about something that may not even be that big of a deal to start, and I am not even THAT upset to start. However, once I start trying to explain the situation to my partner, he will get so upset about things just because I didn't meet his expectations in my handling of the situation, he expected better of me, or so on. He cannot control my emotions and my reactions and I've asked him time and time again to let these things go and let me be me. But he will say "No this is just how I am, and I am mad at you because you are insisting that this is just how you are but you can genuinely do better,"

I will tell him I am already aware of these flaws and they are things that deeply bother me on a daily basis and I am already working on them, and I don't need him to remind me. I have told him time and time again that bringing up these faults just feels like I am being berated for lifelong issues or even sometimes straight up trauma responses I have, and that I do not need the reminders from him that I am so deeply flawed and sabotaging myself. I already know, I already beat myself up for it on a daily basis. I have explained that positive reinforcement works better for me.

It will often devolve into weaponizing my mental illness or the effects of it, like not being able to work or berating me because all of my personal projects aren't making progress as fast as I would like because the chronic fatigue and brain fog from my medications makes it hard to function.

He also gets mad when I explain that certain things are just tied to my mental illness and trauma responses and that they are not things I can change, not without a lot of time at least. And he gets mad that I am "copping out by saying that is just how I am." But when I ask him to adjust his approach, his responses, and his wording to deliver things better he insists "Well this is just how I am, sorry I'm just a jerk sometimes. I tell it like it is even when people don't want to hear it," as if THAT isn't a cop out from just being a more decent person.

I've explained to him how many of my trauma responses come from an actual abuse situation I was in in the past and I need some room to have these negative responses and it isn't personal and it isn't about him, and he gets mad at me and refers to this as "Holding him accountable for my ex's actions" when that is not what is happening at all and I have tried to make that so clear.

He has more of an emotional support system from his family than I do, and at one point he kept insisting that I reach out to his sister and his partner when I am feeling really down. And the one time I tried to do this, they villainized me and completely took my partners side, and he's been even harder to get through ever since then. It just turns into the "Oh this one is living here for free and still has an issue with it? imagine that" And yes I get it to an extent but also that isn't even what is happening here. Because my key issue here is that all of the monetary and physical support is great and I am eternally grateful but that I still have emotional needs that are not being met here, and my emotional boundaries are even being crossed on a regular basis.

I do not know what to say or how to get through to him or if this is even worth it anymore? Is it worth going back to my family who also doesn't treat me right? I know this next thing isn't a problem anyone here can solve for me but...I truly feel like I don't belong anywhere. I just wish that my SO made me feel like i belonged.