#cw death of young disabled person

[enbycrip]

With credit to Mendip Hospital Cemetery on Facebook.

CW: historical disableist language, death of a young disabled person

Agnes was one of the millions of victims of the “Spanish Flu” pandemic aged 22 in a care institution.

What honestly really strikes me from this is that, while the language used to describe her impairment would have changed these days, it’s not unlikely that nothing else would have.

She might be living in her own home, but it’s just as possible she would not, especially if she had no family involved to fight for her, and if she was, she might actually been more isolated than she really was; given how horribly underfunded the care sector is, so many young disabled people are increasingly either institutionalised in unsuitable places where they can’t get the choices they deserve to have in their lives, or dumped in their own homes with only an alarm system and a few visits throughout the day for food prep etc, and no chances to socialise, learn or pursue their outside interests.

At least Agnes clearly had a peer group and friends who cared about her, despite facing disableist abuse from the wider community. I hope her biting episodes were more about asserting herself than sensory overwhelm or worse.

And of course, these days she could too easily end up a victim of COVID in the way she really was of the Spanish Flu. The highest percentage of COVID deaths has and continues to be from women or people read as women living in institutions.

Her name was Agnes, and her life mattered.

[kn-1013]

Sal Headcannons

I've done headcannons and Larry and Travis, so now it's time for my Sal headcannons. CW for mentions of suicide.

His Jersey accent used to be a lot thicker, but faded over time as he lived in Nockfell. He still calls it 'wutter' instead of 'water' though, and Larry makes fun of him for it (S: Can I get some wutter? L: No, I can get you some water though).

Henry and Sal are pretty isolated from the rest of their family. Diane's family don't like Henry because they think he had something to do with Diane's death, and they've tried to influence Sal to believe that he did, but it didn't work. They aren't in contact with Henry's parents because quite frankly they're just awful people, and Henry hasn't spoken to them since Sal was very young.

Sal takes bugs outside with a cup and is unnerved by squishing them.

He can't drive because his depth perception has been pretty badly damaged from both losing one eye, and the mild brain damage he received after the shooting. He still feels comfortable enough to ride his bike most of the time, though.

Yeah, he got a bit of brain damage after the shooting, and experiences mild issues with balance, vertigo, depth perception, swallowing, occasionally with speech, and reading/reading comprehension.

He was born with a cleft lip and palette, and that coupled with the missing cheek and the brain damage makes it so that he has a mild speech impediment most noticeable with P's (they can sound more like B's), and S's (slight lisp), and he often slurs his speech slightly, especially when he's tired. He also has tendencies to skip over words when speaking, say them out of order, or conjoin words.

He has ADHD.

Despite his lack of a license, he has been driving a couple of times before, though it's usually because Larry convinced him to. Larry would drive his truck down to an isolated location and have Sal drive around for fun, and it was mostly just donuts because as soon as Sal learned how to do those, that was all he wanted to do.

After the shooting, Henry started drinking heavily and began neglecting his son's posttraumatic needs, and most other needs. He also got bullied for his face and his feminine nature very heavily, getting worse as he got older and the teens got meaner. His friends mostly defended him, but they could be just as mean at times, and it never really felt like he was a part of the group as much as he was their pet freak. This all caused Sal to become extremely bitter and mean for a long time, which comes as a surprise to his friends, having only known him as a very kind person.

He attempted suicide once, when he was around fifteen or sixteen, as a result of the mounting stress and mental health problems. This is what caused Henry to really wake up about his alcoholism, realizing that if he couldn't better, then he'll lose his son, too.

In the aftermath of this attempt, after having to deal with patronizing doctors for weeks, Sal managed to express his bitterness and hatred and anger properly for the first time in years by yelling at his father about it until he broke down. This was the beginning of their relationship beginning to heal. Still, Sal said a lot of things he regrets now during that breakdown. (S: If you took five minutes to stop pickling your frontal love in Miller Lite, you'd have enough brain cells left to realize what was going on with me a lot sooner.)

Sal hates doctors more than anything, having had some very negative experiences with them over the years. He finds them extremely patronizing and often feels gaslit after talking to one professionally, because they're often extremely homophobic to him, assuming that his gender non-conformity is somehow the result of an Ed Gein-like pathology. If they're not being homophobic, they see his face, his disabilities, and his psychiatric issues, and they start treating him like a toddler, (it gets worse in psychiatric hospitals).

With how I write him, Sal definitely has quite a bit of BPD, but with the original storyline, he wouldn't have gotten the chance to get diagnosed. In AUs, he probably gets diagnosed sometime in his early to mid twenties, as that's when his symptoms really become apparent as relationships in his life start getting more serious and his old coping mechanisms start becoming much more pathological.

I've given some of my weird bullshit to Travis (autism) and Ash (mystery, because I haven't made her post yet lol), so I've also been giving Sal some too: He has POTS, but Henry explained it to Sal as 'your mom's heart thing'. It started when he was around 14, and got progressively worse over the years, but he didn't know it was a problem until Lisa pointed out that he wasn't experiencing a normal fatigue when she took his blood pressure with her at-home monitor one time, and he displayed tachycardia and low blood pressure. He often wears compression gear underneath his clothes to help, and can often be seen drinking pickle juice, because it's cheaper than pedialyte.

Due to the everything that's wrong with him, he's very passionate about disability justice.

His favorite horror movie is Texas Chainsaw Massacre, because it was the first one he watched with Larry. To this day, he maintains that Bubba Sawyer did nothing wrong, that it was the fault of those stupid teenagers, and that the sequels take away what made the first movie so good by making them so over the top.

He watched Carrie once and it made him cry. In retrospect, it reminds him somewhat of Travis.

Considers Nightmare on Elm Street a kid's movie.

His favorite actor is Michael Berryman, as he is a successful and well-liked person with facial/body differences, and that makes him feel a bit more confident in himself.

Sal has a lot of gender-differences, but I don't know if he would ever label it officially. I do think he should try Estrogen though. It's a recreational drug, he'll like it.

With sexuality, I think Sal is bisexual. As far as types go, I think he's most into people with more dominant personalities than his; people who like to talk more, people who are very passionate, people who know what they want, people who can take the lead in a relationship because he's definitely too nervous for that, etc. I think Ash falls into this category, which is what draws him to her.

Larry also falls into this category as well, if we wanna talk Sal/Larry. He has more experience and stands on a more solid ground identity-wise than Sal does, which makes him a great rock and dominant character in the relationship.

Travis does not fall into this category, at least not at first, because he simply doesn't feel very comfortable with himself or in a relationship with another guy at first. Especially with Sal, I think this would probably be his, like, first or second relationship, so he's not very experienced at all, and has trouble knowing what he wants. But, this changes a lot as he grows into himself and eventually becomes the more dominant one of the relationship.

No matter what the end-goal ship is for the story i'm writing, I always picture Sal and Ash having dated for a bout a year or so during or after high school, then breaking up, usually either for Ash's college reasons, or general mutual reasons, such as Sal not being stable enough for a relationship mentally, or realizing they do better as friends.

Upon reflecting on the relationship, Ash describes dating Sal as more like dating a girl than a guy. All things considered, she holds Sal in high esteem as a partner, as he was very attentive to her needs and generally eager to communicate. Though, his biggest issue was that he could be cagey and didn't like it when she focused on him too much, due to his insecurities and fears around intimacy.

Sal has always been feminine and faggy, which is why it was somewhat of a surprise to Henry when it turned out he DID like girls, just in addition to boys. Not that that's a bad thing, he just wasn't expecting it.

Henry's parents are pretty homophobic, and instilled a lot of that into him, but a lot of that started changing when he had his own son, who seemed so pleased to wear fairy princess dresses that Henry couldn't bring himself to do to Sal what was done to him in the name of an increasingly arbitrary masculinity. He ended up having to argue with a lot of doctors to leave Sal's expression alone, because they kept claiming that it was some kind of pathological issue that needed to be fixed, and not just who he was. (H: The problem isn't that he's a fag, he's always been that way! The problem is that his mother was killed right in front of him, and his face was disfigured! Why don't you focus on that?)

This is getting a bit long now, lol. I'll need to make a part two at some point because I think about Sal way too much. It's very easy for me to write for him, because we have a lot of very similar experiences with 'random tragedies'. He's probably my favorite to write for, aside from Todd.

[sitp-recs]

Hi Liv!!! I’ve seen you have an draco injury/disability reclist but I was wondering if yoy knew of any fics where harry had an injury/disability??

thank you!!

Hi anon! Yes definitely, here are some hurt!Harry for you:

Wield Me by @tackytigerfic (E, 10k)

Draco Malfoy, blacksmith, is renowned through the magical world for his skill and exquisite creations. He could quite easily spend the rest of his days making pretty trinkets for the fae court, and being handsomely rewarded for the privilege. But why take the easy route when instead he could get involved in a dangerous mission with Unspeakable Harry Potter (who also happens to be Draco's... well, he's something, isn't he?). A little story about learning to strike while the iron is hot.

The Snitch-Maker by Omi_Ohmy (T, 21k)

Draco is content with his Snitches, with the tap tap tap of his hammer, and the tiny gears and sharp scent of metal in his workshop - until one day Harry Potter appears, asking for help to solve a rash of Snitch-tampering in the Quidditch world.

Fearful Trill by @vukovich (E, 29k)

Harry should have come out and met someone when he was younger. He should have seen a doctor about the pain in his hip while youth was still on his side. Now, he's made his peace with dying young, but maybe not with dying alone.

If an Injury Is to Be Inflicted by @shealwaysreads (E, 45k)

Harry Potter disappeared a year after the Battle of Hogwarts, and with him went all hope for true change in magical Britain. Three years later, Draco indulges himself and attends his first Dog Fight—the infamous underground fights with no rules, no referee, and no points system bar blood on the floor. The game was simple: you win, or you die.

fly like paper, high like planes by @harryromper (M, 47k)

Harry Potter, Head Coach of the Appleby Arrows, is very content leading a quiet life. He has a doddery old house-elf who makes his breakfast, a team of players who love Quidditch almost as much as he does, and a Kneazle that curls against his damaged leg at the foot of his bed at night. The absolute last thing he needs is a fit, tattooed, and wildly talented Draco Malfoy back from living his life on the margins.

Harry Potter and the elusive day off by pleasebekidding (E, 71k)

Auror Potter needs a fucking break. He is wiped. He is exhausted. He probably didn't intend to put himself into a magical coma but these things happen. And who cares, really? He is comfortable in a house where he has hidden away all the shit he can't deal with.

Merlin Works in Mysterious Ways by lordhellebore (M, 82k) - cw: major permanent disability

When Harry is forced to form a Blood Bond with Draco Malfoy under threat of death, he thinks his future will consist of a cold home and sexual frustration. But when a group of left-over Death Eaters decides to stir trouble, their lives change completely – and it takes them both some years to figure out whether it’s for better or for worse.

Balance, Imperfect by @bixgirl1 (E, 91k)

When Harry sustains an injury in the line of work, he no longer knows how to navigate the life he loved, and finds help and solace from the most unexpected source.

Any Instrument by @dictacontrion (E, 131k)

Draco Malfoy wouldn't go back to England for anything less than an exceptional case. Being asked to figure out why Harry Potter can't control his magic might be exceptional enough to qualify.

The Ordeal of Being Known by @lou-isfake (M, 146k)

When Auror Potter is anonymously cursed with silence by being forced to hide his own voice inside his mind, there's unfortunately only one person in the country with the qualifications to fix it: Certified and Licensed Healer Legilimens, Draco Malfoy, specialist in Mind Curses and Afflictions. It's obviously a terrible idea, a disaster waiting to happen, but Draco's never been able to back down from a challenge... especially from Potter.

[liddolwitch]

Sharing my personal opinions, I am not every person lmfao

ARCANE S2 SPOILERS (ep 1-3)

tw/cw: Viktor, disability, body dysmorphia, weight changes, suicide, I think that's all?

Okay! I cannot stop thinking about how it would feel to be in Viktor's position right now. There's a lot going on, but I want to start with the fact that this is someone who contemplated suicide not too long ago. Everything we knew up to the attack indicates he wanted to live at that point, but the suicidal ideation must be kept in mind. That being said, it's a clear parallel to Jinx being saved by Singed. Side note, I think Jinx's reflexes might not let her die anymore.

Anyway! He did not want to be saved. He had made Jayce promise to destroy it previously, and this is the ultimate betrayal; regardless of Jayce's intent. At best, he trusted his own judgement over Viktor's after promising otherwise. That kind of integration was against everything Viktor wanted and believed. So there's a huge loss of autonomy, which is traumatic. It's also a theme very familiar to people with disabilities, especially ones that affect mobility and/or are degenerative. I cannot imagine that kind of situation would not be a trigger.

In regards to body stuff, he's completely different now. Any change in your physical body that you're not in control of can be absolutely terrifying. Weight fluctuation and minor scarring can have huge effects on a person's sense of self and self-esteem. Those are only the two I'm currently dealing with. These are changes visible to everyone in a way Viktor's clearly not comfortable with. There's often a feeling of moral impurity that unfortunately is part of the grief caused by disability. It's also a common effect of long-standing trauma in general (especially C-PTSD). Viktor is now only alive because of a weapon he felt needed to be destroyed at the cost of his life's work.

Jayce justifies himself by saying, "I never asked for this!" As if that hasn't been a constant thread in Viktor's life. I'm certain the line was meant to draw attention to that, but to me it indicates just how little Jayce recognized the loss of autonomy for Viktor.

For days? weeks? months? the people around Viktor have been telling him that they're sorry, but it's his lot in life to die young. That it's unfortunate his life's work can't be completed, but that's just how it is. Then, the closest person in the world to him completely disregards that sentiment, when it was clearly a line no one was willing to cross prior. Viktor himself had made the choice not to proceed.

I'm just thinking about a lot. People with terminal illnesses often aren't allowed to die with dignity and by their own volition in a comfortable way. Othertimes, people who are ill cannot receive the treatment they choose because other people determine the risk to be too great. Occasionally, people will be pushed to go through with treatments they'd rather not have, just for the chance to live a bit longer with low quality of life. Regardless of the situation, Viktor has never been allowed to call the shots.

I was really worried about how they would choose to force Viktor down this path. I thought maybe he would simply choose the risk of the hexcore over the pain or fear of death/dying. I was scared other people wouldn't understand that and there would be little sympathy from people who have never had to make choices like that (quality of life vs time, but also work vs rest when working harms you). I think it offers so much more room for exploration of Viktor's feelings and perspectives now that he didn't get that choice. I really hope they choose to dive into that.

[mercurywritesstuff]

Summary: Fei Kai moved to South Korea to get a fresh start. The fresh start included a man with curly hair and glasses.

Story warnings: Single mother! Kai x Ex military! Changbin. Strangers to lovers. Enemies to lovers. 3rd person. Disabled! Changbin. Kai flirts with people as always. Suggestive in many chapters. Themes of PTSD.

CW: Fleeting mentions of Night Terrors, Blood, Graphic depictions of bodily harm and death, How Chanbin lost his leg, Both Kai and Changbin being emotionally immature, both Kai and Changbin need to touch grass, one suggestive scene(Kai is naked, Changbin needs to stop being curious), angsty

2.6k word count

Taglist: @mynameisnotlaura, @palindrome969

Previous - Masterlist - Next

Chapter 5: Bloody Makeups

Fei Kai never hated anyone. She didn’t even hate her parents, or Han for being a mild douchebag at times. The most anger she felt in her life was distaste, she always wanted to be the clear, level-headed person. 

She didn’t know why she never felt the emotion. She could have sworn she felt angry when she was young, but that went away quickly. It felt as though something was missing from her, but no one ever thought it was bad. Her parents waved her off, her school age friends laughed at her when she brought them her worries. So, she decided that she was a person that didn’t need emotions for anger. From the age of twelve, she thought that it was normal for friends to have that one calm personality, and she was it. It was just a normal part of her life, that she didn’t even bring it up to her friends. 

So maybe when she became a mother, did she suspect something was wrong. Her daughter felt so much emotion, so much anger that it scared Kai at time. She wouldn’t change her daughter for anything, though. Not even for her anger. 

So why did she feel an unknown emotion bubble up within her in five months of hosting Seo Changbin? She felt odd, he just made her so warm in the wrong ways. His stupid smirk, stupid hair, stupid eyes. She wouldn’t let him get to her, though. She was mature enough to not let emotion rule her train of thought. 

Kai turned several times on the small pull-out couch, her mind not resting from the day. For the past five nights, Kai would get woken up in the middle of the night with yelling coming from the master bedroom, before quieting down. The first night, Kai would try and enter but the motherfucker locked the door every night. That's fine with her, he made it very clear that he didn’t want her help. 

Kai sighed, her skin making everything sticky with sweat. She sighed one more time, before sitting up. She wasn’t going to get any sleep, so she might as well start working early on work. She opened her laptop and typed away, going to the wee hours of the morning. 

Footsteps roused her from her fixation when she heard the new familiar clang of soft feet and plastic hitting her floor. Changbin had recently gotten a prosthetic leg, only a few weeks back, and Kai didn’t like how she got excited at the prospect of him walking. She was trying to not let the man rule her thoughts, but she couldn’t help it. Throughout her days, she could only think of him. Did he sleep enough? Did he eat? She blamed it on her mom brain, treating even the people closest to her like her children sometimes. 

“What are you doing up?” Kai asked, eyes focusing on the blurry figure of the man before her vision cleared. 

One thing that Kai didn’t like was how hot the man was waking up. Hair curly, glasses for the early morning, voice laden with sleep. She wanted to focus on her family, not the man who was basically sex on legs. She needed to focus, and not on her attraction to Changbin. It’ll pass (No it wouldn’t). 

He chuffed, rolling his eyes before sitting on the far end of the couch, away from her. Kai’s stomach churned at the blatant closeness, but she ignored it to finish working. The couch was basically a love seat, and Kai could feel him take a breath next to her, the warm air making goose bumps pop up all over her body. 

Changbin watched her work. Despite his ploy to hate her, he couldn’t deny that she was getting more beautiful as the days passed. Now that it was summer, her skin grew even more of a tan, highlighting how flawless it was. There wasn’t a wrinkle in sight, showing how young the woman was.  

She had recently cut her long hair short and dyed it a light brown. She currently had it up in a ponytail, highlighting the expanse of her neck. He didn’t know if he wanted to bite it or throttle it. Stop being horny, Changbin thought to himself. He blamed it on not being around women for a while. Yeah, that was it. 

“I could say the same thing to you,” Changbin shot back, voice dripping with venom. Kai rolled her eyes once more, reaching to put her headphones on. Today was the first day on Duri’s summer camp, so five more weeks of dealing with the monster called Seo Changbin alone felt like it was going to take forever. She couldn’t believe she was actually looking forward to being left alone with a man. Gross. 

She put on her headphones, blasting a rap song to try and tune him out, bobbing her head along to the beat. 

---

When a few hours passed, and Kai finally sent the paperwork to the insurance company, she shut her laptop and stretched, a yawn falling from her lips. She set her headphones down and looked around at the oddly quiet apartment. Her eyebrows shot up in suspicion, padding through the apartment to try and look for the man. When she couldn’t find him, she let out a sigh of relief. 

She entered the bathroom, not bothering to close the door fully while she stripped to cool her body off. She entered her shower, turning the knob as cool as it went and sighed at the good temperature. 

She hummed, not hearing the footsteps stepping towards the bathroom. 

Changbin was listening to some tunes, blasting through his own headphones. He had just gotten back from the gym, all sweaty and overwhelmed with the heat. He grew confused at the door ajar, and when he opened the door, his face grew hot, and his eyes widened.  

It was the worst time to realize the door to the shower was glass. 

The two made eye contact, Kai letting out a shriek and Changbin stepping out, adverting his eyes and he slammed the door shut. Kai immediately shut the shower off, wrapping herself in a towel, as she felt the stupid churning of her stomach again. She was mortified. 

It had been days since the incident, and they had yet to speak a word to each other. Every time they were in the same room, Kai would immediately leave with a heavy blush on her face with embarrassment. She was quieter at work too, not going unnoticed by her coworkers. 

Changbin felt guilty. This wasn’t the reaction he wanted from her, and he felt as if he ruined his chances to get a rise out of her. But Changbin being Changbin, he wasn’t about to give up.  

“Seungmin?” Changbin asked, gaining a hum from the younger male. They were hanging out on their own, the rest of the group either at work or on a grocery run. “What is the best way to piss someone off?” 

“Are you still on the Kai drama? Dude, it’s been months, just drop it.” Seungmin groaned, laying on his back. “You need a hobby, or a girlfriend. Or both.” 

“No, like listen to me. She has never gotten angry at all. All she does is stare at me, ignore me, or apologize. It’s not about me disliking her now, I’m genuinely curious if she never gets angry.” 

“Oh my god, if I help you, will you shut up about it?” Changbin nods at his words. “Okay, first you want to...” 

---

Kai yawned as she entered her apartment, rubbing her tired eyes and turning on the light. The apartment was quiet, which was a nice change from the yelling of her friends. What she didn’t expect, however, was the body on her floor with red liquid pooling around it. 

Kai leaned against the counter, watching as his chest rose steadily even when he tried to hide it. Kai rolled her eyes, a smirk playing on her lips. “I know you’re playing, get off the damn floor and clean up the mess.”  

Changbin’s head snapped up, a pout evident. “How did you know it was a prank?” 

“One, you’re breathing. A person who lost that much blood wouldn't be breathing or not as tan as you are right now. Two, blood is not bright red. It’s darker than that.” She walked over, scooping the liquid with her ring and middle fingers. “Clean it up, it’s your mess. You’re a big boy.” 

Changbin groaned, looking at the playful twinkle in her eye, thinking the ruffling in his stomach was just discomfort from being around her for so long. She was smart, he’ll give her that. Maybe he had to up the stakes a bit. Although, he didn’t mind the decent conversations they had. 

He had done everything he could in three days to piss her off. From throwing her clean laundry in the mud, to making her late to work, to even trying to get her fired, he was at a loss. That was until he thought of something. 

He tucked his protheses under his bed after he was sure Kai had gone to bed. He willed himself to sleep, but he left the door open for an experiment. 

He was in the middle of the desert. Him and his buddy Ha-Joon were on a mission to transfer high grade military explosives. Changbin thought it would be a good idea to joke around with the missiles, before accidentally stepping on a land mine. They were both warned of the mines that had yet to be picked up from the area, and Ha-Joon was very diligent in this. 

The two went flying, Ha-Joon had landed on the pack of explosives, blowing himself up and the bottom of Changbin’s leg. 

Usually, he would be waking up at this time, but he willed himself to stay asleep. 

He was in the desert for ten minutes, bleeding out and looking at the mangled body of the man that had become his best friend. 

There were hands trying to wake him, gripping his hands as he sunk his nails into soft, warm flesh. He knew it wasn’t his own, due to the lack of pain. He felt blood trickle down his arms, but the hands hadn’t moved. 

“Changbin,” A voice called to him. “You’re safe. You’re not there.” Her voice was like a siren. 

Soon, his eyes snapped open, and the worried look of Kai peered down at him. 

Changbin sneered, pushing her away from him. “What are you doing here?” 

Kai stared at him incredulously, blood trickling down and dripping on the light wood. The gall of this man. 

Kai took a deep breath, lips flitting through her teeth as she bit her bottom lip. “You were screaming, I was worried.” 

“Yeah, well save your feelings for someone who cares. It’s not like I actually want you to help me, I’d rather get help from a trash can. Well, close enough I guess.” 

Kai didn’t know why she stayed; she would usually leave after he spat his piece. Her eyes narrowed in mock scrutiny. “Why are you being like this? This is my home, and I’m letting you stay here. Why are you being an ass?” 

Changbin kept his shock in check. It was the first time she called him out on his bullshit in the five months they lived in the same vicinity to each other. He played up the snarl on his face. 

“Well maybe you deserve it. You’re like a robot, and I don’t like robots.” He crossed his arms. Kai could laugh from his audacity. 

And she did, she laughed at the shock of it all. “Are you joking? You must be joking, because I cannot believe anyone would go this far. You know, I’m done helping you. Scream and cry at me, I’m done being bullied.”  

She turned to leave, before stopping cold at his next words. He didn’t know why he said what he did next. 

“What kind of mother doesn’t want to stand up for herself?” It was more of a statement than a question. “Aren’t you supposed to be setting up an example for your daughter?” 

Kai slowly turned to look at the man, eyes wide as she felt an unfamiliar feeling boil up within her. Her face went red, and her eyes filled with tears. Not tears of sadness but was met with ones from an ugly emotion. 

“Don’t you dare bring my daughter into this. I thought you were just being a dick because you lost your leg. But now I see that you are just a plain asshole, Seo Changbin. You really are a piece of work.” She turned and stormed out of the room, slamming the door and making the apartment rattle. 

Changbin released the breath he was holding, but when he should've felt happiness from successfully making her mad, he only felt regret. He looked up at the ceiling, flinching when he heard drywall and glass break, hearing her anger-filled scream and then silence following. 

It was time to apologize. For everything.

---

Kai sat at the kitchen island, angry tears flying down her face as she stared at her bloody and shaking hands. Why did she have to feel this way? She knew there were other emotions behind what she now knew what anger was. Was it sadness? No, it felt deeper than that. 

She couldn’t stop the sobs that racked her body, hands flying to wipe away the tears before she winced at the sting of blood in her eyes. She shook out of it when she felt a hand grip on her wrist. She looked up, disappointment making her expression heavy. 

“Get off of me,” Kai mumbled, but not making a move to shake him off. 

He stayed silent, dropping the first aid onto the counter and taking out gauze. The two were hushed, Changbin focusing on wrapping her hands (after cleaning them) with the clean roll of gauze. 

“’m sorry. For everything.” He mumbled. 

“Why do you hate me? What have I done to be treated like shit?” She pleaded, tears filling her eyes once again. 

Changbin sighed, rubbing his temples. “At first, I thought I hated you for taking my place in the group. Then, I thought I hated you for being so perfect-” 

Kai snorted. “You think I’m perfect?” 

Changbin nudged her shoulder, a playful glint in his eye. “Focus.” She let out a giggle, before nodding. “I think I was just jealous of you? But then, I got curious. I had never saw you angry, so I made a game to myself to get you angry.” 

Kai chuckled and shook her head. “You’re special, you know that?” 

“Special good or special bad?” 

“I’ll let you know if we start over” 

“Deal,” Changbin shook her hand, and then let his eyes widen when she winced at the pain. “I’m so sorry.” 

Kai laughed softly, and Changbin realized he wanted to hear only that sound for the rest of his life. 

Chan sat with Felix and Hyunjin as they watched Changbin and Kai play pool the next day. It was late at night, and the younger was positively radiating excited energy. “They finally made up.” 

Felix hummed, looking at the two actually get along for the first time. “I give it a few weeks until they start fighting again.” 

“I don't know, lix.” Hyunjin hummed, watching the way they played around with each other. It was like they had been friends for years, not the short time they began to know each other. “They seem awfully close.” 

“I give it a few weeks,” Minho mentioned, head tilting. Hyunjin jumped from the sudden appearance of the older man. 

“Few weeks for what, Min?” Felix asked the veterinarian. 

“Until they finally realize their feelings for each other.” 

“They were at each other’s throats two days ago. I doubt they feel anything other than platonic feelings.” Chan muttered. 

But Lee Minho was always right about these things. 

They make me want to scream, and make them kiss like little barbies.

[valleyfthdolls]

OC-tober day 6: past- old art of young Amaya and Virgil designs (11-ish and 4-ish respectively) + backstories under the cut. Still no new art because my sinuses are so swollen I can see them in my peripheral vision, if you're wondering how the sickness is going

CW for child abandonment, military stuff, character death, trauma, and ableism

Amaya Izumi was conceived before her parents- both second-generation Japanese immigrants- were married. Amaya's mother, Seiko, was her high school's valedictorian, on the honor roll, etc. and Kenji, Amaya's father, felt so bad about potentially ruining his girlfriend's future and bringing a child into the world that she couldn't care for alone that he decided to dedicate his life to providing for and taking care of the two of them. Despite having sworn off joining the military or doing anything violent with his life after his sister Hana's murder, he saw no other choice but to go back on his word and enlist to make sure that he had a consistent income, married Seiko so that his income and savings would also be hers, and moved her into his parents' house so that there would be more hands on deck taking care of Amaya. He originally planned to name her Hanako as well, in honor of his sister, but Seiko vetoed this because "you're going to give her a complex". She ended up developing a complex anyway. When she was four, her older cousin Taro, who idolized her father and joined the military to be like him, was killed on duty, and this instilled in Amaya a deep, deep fear of death. When her father left for work again, she became convinced he was going to die, and was so afraid for him that the whole situation ended up being deeply traumatizing for her. A few years later, she learned about Hana, and realized how similar they were. This was when she began cutting her hair short, not wanting to be a proxy for Hana, a version of her who survived when the "original" didn't. She became a caretaker of her family as she grew up and her fear turned into fascination with tragedy and the morbid and grotesque, helping her mother look out for her grandparents. Her grandfather taught her self-defense, gave her a hunting knife he had ended up using to kill the person he suspected of Hana's murder to protect herself, and taught her that she was to always protect and serve those around her and fight for what was right. Over time, she developed the belief that violence and harm against others are never justified and gained an extremely strong moral compass.

Virgil's parents were also unmarried when he was conceived, but made the choice to marry when Virgil was a baby. They were much less dedicated or concerned about Virgil than Amaya's parents were about her, and were resentful of him being a very developmentally disabled child. When Virgil was two years old and still couldn't walk or talk, his parents decided that he simply was a lost cause and left him at an orphanage. This orphanage Virgil grew up at was overcrowded and understaffed, and as a result, Virgil got very little attention. This was partially to blame for Virgil eventually becoming extremely attention-seeking and dramatic. It also made him believe there was something wrong with him- something that made him so unnoticeable that he was constantly ignored and forgotten about. He eventually came to believe that he was simply so boring that it made him unlovable, and over time, he directed this toward a resentment of his own face and his appearance. At around 12, Virgil began to try out performing as a pastime and way of achieving attention, and quickly became enthralled. It gave him all the adoration he wanted, and a mask to hide behind, to no longer be so boring. He shaped his whole identity around performance, choosing the name of a Roman poet, and eventually donning masks and veils that covered his face on the daily- anything to make him more interesting.

I like to imagine there is a universe somewhere in which Amaya's parents ended up adopting Virgil and he grew up Amaya's brother. Every time I put them in the same universe they have so much resentment for each other- especially Virgil for Amaya- but it'd be so fun to imagine them growing up as siblings. Unfortunately it's a little hard to imagine thanks to just how much of Virgil's personality was shaped by his parents' abandonment. I suppose that would still be quite traumatic, but I wonder if he'd develop quite the same complex about it still if another family came along, noticed him, and chose him to be a part of their family. Idk it's just a fun thought for me

(Also Virgil is. transmasculine. this is why he wore skirts as a child)

[sk1ttery]

So tell me about Wallflower Delancys 👀

CW for talk of abuse, neglect, food issues, homophobia/transphobia, sexism and general toxicity. Minor character death.

Note: My goal with the Delancey’s in this AU is to humanise them and allow them to have a redemption arc of sorts while not erasing or excusing their actions. They grow and mature but are still held accountable for how they acted.

Oscar and Morris may be assholes a lot of the time, but at the end of the day they’re also just two scard kids trying to get by. Two kids who care deeply for each other in a way that’s oddly similar to how the Hattan and Brooklyn Bunches care for each other. They’re brothers and although neither of them know how to express it, they do love each other dearly.

After their mother passed away when they were too young to really remember her, their father started to get angry. And he dumped them in foster care to run off with the military. They experienced a lot of abuse in the foster system at the hands of Snyder. They were taken out of Snyder’s care around the time Jack was brough IN, though they were with him for a couple months. They always sort of felt bitter towards Jack because he’d always kick up such a fuss. He’d often get dragged screaming out of rooms. Laying low was how they survived so they resented Jack for doing the opposite though they also felt sorry for him.

Their dad was discharged a couple years later, came back and took them in again. He ended up being horrendously abusive. He was brutal, a control freak and wouldn’t let them do a lot of things. He’s forced gender roles and toxic masculinity and sexism.

He’d force things like “Boy’s don’t cry.” “Women are baby machines.” “You can’t play with that, it’s a girls toy.” “Don’t hug your guy friends people will think you’re gay” and a lot of other shitty things.

They were forced to call him ‘Sir’. They weren’t allowed to call him dad or pa. If they ‘messed up’ they’d endure intense punishments, like not letting them eat (which resulted in Oscar having a lot of issues with food) shutting them in closets, beating them.

He’s blow up on them at the LITTLEST mistakes. So they’d hide at out at their Uncle Weisel's. But for too long he'll come looking for them.

In school they met a boy named Markus, who went by ‘Dirtmouth’. (An OC). They befriended him quickly, but he only fuled their anger and encouraged their lashing out. Which was the beginning of their toxic friendship and them bullying the Newsies.

I personally HC Morris as the older brother. He’s nineteen while Oscar is eighteen. And they’re stuck to each other like glue. Morris is fearcely protective of Oscar. From a young age he’d always put Oscar first and often forget or straight out refuse to take care of himself, much to Oscar’s distress.

Morris really struggles with school due to multiple learning disabilities and he was held back a year which ended him up in Oscar’s grade. (He was secretly a little relieved because this meant he could keep an eye on his brother easier). He has dyslexia, dyscalculia and dysgraphia, so numbers, writing and reading are pretty difficult and he often has to ask Oscar or their Uncle Weisel to help him with it. He’s also Autistic and has ADHD.

Oscar on the other hand is far brighter than he gets credit for. He’s geat at maths and excells in English, so he usually helps Morris out where he can. He’s also Autistic and ADHD and has an anxiety disorder. He’ll sometimes experience verbal shutdowns when upset or overwhelmed and because neither he or Morris know sign, they find it hard to communicate and it can often lead to frustration on both their parts.

Oscar’s the kind of person to get frustrated extremely easily then upset that he is frustrated.

Morris is more the kind to ‘punch the frustration out’.

After they ran away from home, (far later) they ended up getting an apartment together and get a little wobbly cat who they name Bean! Oscar saw a car dump him and took him home.

Oscar hates being touched without warning, but even with warning he’s iffy unless it’s someone he’s comfortable with. He’s easily spooked by loud noises and/or sudden movements, he’s extremely jumpy but usually tries to play it off.

Because of their upbringing and their dads views on the LGBTQ+, Oscar stayed in the closet for years which only added to his frustration and caused him to lash out more. He was terrified that if Morris found out, he’d hate him, but Morris was actually supportive.

Because Oscar is his brother and they only have each other. So they need to stick by each other no matter what.

After Dirtmouth ended up going to far with the bullying, Oscar and Morris sort of realised how messed up everything was. And Oscar was the first to back off. He’d had time to think and mature and he felt awful for everything that happened, so when he got the chance, he tried to apologise. Morris, a couple months later followed.

But I won’t spoil how THAT went.

I’ll say again. All of this is an explanation for how they acted. Not an excuse. I only want to humanise them.

Some little facts in an attempt to humanis them and make them NOT one dimensional bullies?

Morris is a dog person. But doesn’t mind cats.

He is not the best cook but he makes a mean lasagna.

He NEVER has his own clothes, they’re always stolen by Otto and Oscar.

He likes action and superhero movies and likes comics because they’re easier for him to read.

His hands are always covered in bandaids and he sometimes puts silly little kids ones on.

He’s scared shitless of moths.

His handwriting is so messy that it’s near impossible to read. Oscar struggles so much with any notes Morris leaves for him.

Oscar however, has really neat handwriting. It’s really pretty ??

He absolutely loves cats. He’s deadass such an animal lover. But he must pet every cat he meets.

He likes gaming with Morris.

He’s a good cook.

He’s secretly a theatre kid. He loves Oliver !

He’s rarely ever wearing his own clothes. He always steals from Morris.

He’s TERRIFIED of spiders.

[not-a-robin]

Into/Explanation/Boundaries post!

Character info:

So for starters this is the side blog/counterpart to my oc Alexandra Catherine Todd-Wayne (or just Alex), (@notquiterobin) and their vigilante person/alias Corvid

She’s a Non-Batman-Approved Vigilante that generally hangs around the East End and Alleytown in Gotham

She aspired to be Robin when she was younger, but after her brother Jason’s death became a bit resistant to the moniker, She is now a non-Batman-approved vigilante named Corvid (as a lot of corvids are preditors of robins, plus it’s the name I usually use online/lh)

She generally has similar goals to the robins (improving Gotham, keeping down crime, and generally keeping people safe, especially in poorer areas of Gotham)

Generally keeps the non-killing rule as Corvid but is a more willing and ready to use force then the rest of the bats

She hasn’t told the rest of the batfamily or anyone else about what she does as Corvid, namely because of the restrictions that would add, along with the added worry (I think at some point it would be a fun plot to have at least one of them find out though)

Now for the more fun stuff, character apperance and vigilante outfit (a ton of this is inspired by clothes that I like at wear):

A lot of her gear and outfits are unknowingly funded by Bruce, he just has so much money that if you occasionally take a bit, he won’t notice it

She wears a black mask to cover her lower face and keep it hidden, under the mask the distinctive scar on her left cheek is sometimes left visible though

Keeps up the bat legacy of eyeliner, has a few piercings (namely both lower lobe piercings, a nose piercing, a bridge, and a helix, again everything but the bridge is based on my piercings, I would get a bridge if I had the anatomy for it but sadly I don’t.)

Giving each of my blogs characters a song so Corvids is:

Cw: for that song though there are mentions of and it is about rape so just keep that in mind if you decide to listen to it

Ok actual outfit time:

-again the black mask covering her lower face,

-black boots with a slight heel and laces (there’s a zipper on the side though to make them easier to take on and off) < me projecting my impaired fine motor skills,

-black pants similar to cargos (so pockets on the sides of each leg, along with back and front pockets),

-a black sleeveless turtleneck,

-one of those sweater less sleeve things? They’re hard to describe but it’s in the picrew I used to make my pfp (baby carrot art on picrew) that only cover shoulders and arms, I think it would be made of something other then cotton though, some kind of more durable fabric,

-black fingerless gloves

-Always wears her hair up, particularly in one braid or in two small buns, keeps her bangs out of the way with various hair clips

-a silver locket tucked under her shirt, it’s one given to her by Bruce at a young age with a family photo inside, she just couldn’t bring herself to take it off

Some more general apperance/characterization:

16 | 5,1 | blue eyes | long and curly black hair | human | Demigirl | ace bisexual | she’s got a few scars but namely the one on her left cheek mostly hidden by the mask

Boundaries section:

Dni’s:

- Homophobes

- Racists

- Transphobes

- Ableist’s (I’m disabled, we know when you’re being ablest.)

- Zionists

- General conservatives

- BATCEST. (I do not care how you try to rationalize it, I don’t want to see any Dick/Jason, Bruce/any of his children, Alfred/any of his grandkids. Any Dick/Tim, Jason/Tim, or Damian/Tim. Just no batcest okay?

- I’m dyslexic, if you find spelling mistakes please just ignore them unless they completely change the meaning of the scentence, autocorrect can’t catch everything

About me:

I got by primarily They/Them pronouns, I’m an aroace (maybe oriented? Let’s just say questioning/lh) Non-Binary teenager,

and I am a minor so please keep that in mind (I’m fine with any ages on here just keep it in mind that I’m under 18),

I’m disabled (not gonna put out my whole medical history but shortly put: chronic pain, t1d, autism & adhd, c!ptsd, dyslexia)

I’m a pretty longtime DC lover (on and off since I was 5), mostly Batman and Batman adjacent stuff, hellblazer, green arrow, young justice, and teen titans

Al Ghul lover, seriously I love them sm

Very into music (specifically Hole, Nirvana, Babes in Toyland, Big theif, Fiona apple, Mcr, Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Bandhees, The cure, Ghost, Green Day, Alex G, and Elliott Smith)

^ also if you think Courtney killed Kurt fuck off, seriously I’m not going to argue with you, either don’t bring it up or just go away

I also didn’t mention this on my other blog but I am colorblind, it probably won’t come up it just makes it hard for me to read some blogs (hence why my stuff is grey and not black, if I could read purple on black I’d do it)

Closing stuff:

Absolutely feel free to interact with this weather in character or not, I’d love any questions or asks it just may sometimes take me a second to get used to them

[magicalgirllove92]

The show called LA Brea. The synopsis was an sinkhole that swallow up Los Angeles sending strangers including an mother and son back in to prehistoric times. Left alone is an very scared teenage daughter who lost her leg due to scary accident is disabled with mechanical leg is in dire need of an assistance by her father who suffered from psychic hallucinations due to drinking and an troubled past who is unlikely to solve a mystery with his best friend. Unfortunately, after the family is reunited, the narcissistic wife Eve Harris played by FX's critical acclaimed hit neo-western action drama Justified actress Natalie Zea is sleeping with her former husband Gavin played by BBC's Merlin 2008 actor Eoin Mackin's best friend the evilish betrayer Captain Levi Delgado played by The Princess and the Barrio Boy actor Nicholas Gonzalez. Still unfortunately, the group includes 3 kids played by TikToker Jack Martin, disabled model Zyra Gorecki and young actress Veronica St. Clair who has an career downgraded era from Golden Globe-winning miniseries Unbelievable to terrible Jurassic Park saga ripoff struggles to go back to their own time because of arguing like immature teenagers, being slaves by The Others ripoff, Exiles led by the late Jason Momora wannabe Tamaart, getting run-in with disastrous situations including poorly rendered CGI prehistoric animals and dinosaurs and mysterious evil woman and James Harris played by Australia's longest running soap Neighbours actor Jonno Roberts' personal minion named Kiera played by the actual good actress Simone McAcully. In the worst twist during season 2, the sinkhole that sending The Harris Family, Levi, Riley, her dad Dr. Sam Medez played by Selena and Bad Boys 2 actor Jon Seda and their friends to prehistoric times were responsibled by the evil group The Lazarus Project from 2076 who are working to find the way to deal with their time period's depleted resources as well as how to master the de-extinction. The Lazarus Project is headed by James and Kiera with the assistance by Tamaart and "the liar" Aaron. Unfortunately, the ratings of season 1 was the best, even the best written comedies Abbott Elementary and Ghosts USA is getting clobbered by Twilight Saga and Riverdale meets Jurassic Park movies soap opera by the season's end. However, during last year's Halloween week, 2nd season of La Brea was brutally beaten by an much better written teen drama All American from The CW and The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXXIII with 2 hit segments the Death Note anime parody Death Tome and WestWorld parody SimpsonsWorld with Jon Roberts as Linda Belcher from Bob's Burgers makes a cameo towards the end of the segment and the episode. This could send LA Brea fans to panic while its haters is satisfied, not even the show is safe from YouTube podcast video and the entertaintment reviews for "problematic, Jurassic Park and Days in Our Lives ripoff, an actual toxic "woke", sending a wrong messages to teenagers and sending Latino people and people dealing with anxiety issues into stereotypes." Thankfully, the show was delayed until next year, fell victim to current WGA writer's strike despite they're still filming "the final season" in Australia. If the the final season comes within the first weeks of January, don't watch or watch in case of curiosity or cringe. This is why NBC's infamously Jurassic World/Lost Mashup ripoff telenovela LA Brea is an very bad show. Next time, I'm tackle the hunks of Jurassic Park movies and it's called Jurassic Heartthrobs.

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

on bren and feeblemind.

(cw: lots of caleb backstory. self-explanatory, i think?)

.

.

this isn’t something i’ve talked about on my blog yet, but since the campaign has begun drawing to a close, i want to make sure i say my piece on the popular theory that bren/caleb was institutionalized because trent ikithon feebleminded him to disable him.

my piece being that it’s exceptionally unlikely he did—at least as a premeditated plan. this kind of theory also falls prey to the exact beliefs ikithon has tried to exploit in caleb.

for our mutual reference, i’ll quote the spell description of feeblemind.

FEEBLEMIND (PHB) 8th level enchantment

Casting time: 1 action Range: 150 feet Components: VSM (a handful of clay, crystal, glass, or mineral spheres) Duration: Instantaneous

You blast the mind of a creature that you can see within range, attempting to shatter its intellect and personality. The target takes 4d6 psychic damage and must make an Intelligence saving throw.

On a failed save, the creature’s Intelligence and Charisma scores become 1. The creature can’t cast spells, activate magic items, understand language, or communicate in any intelligible way. The creature can, however, identify its friends, follow them, and even protect them.

At the end of every 30 days, the creature can repeat its saving throw against this spell. If it succeeds on its saving throw, the spell ends. The spell can also be ended by Greater Restoration, Heal, or Wish.

considering the characteristics described and implied by actors other than ikithon—caleb and astrid prominently—who are not motivated to deceive on ikithon’s behalf, feeblemind is not consistent with caleb’s mental break.

fact the first: when bren broke, he became violent and spellcasted.

when astrid describes the circumstances in which he was taken to the vergessen sanatorium (e89, 1:49:30), she refers to his lashing out as “creat[ing] a lot of sparks everywhere else” and rubs at burn scars across her neck. she says that they had to subdue him because he was too dangerous. all of these statements add up to a bren who was viciously spellcasting at his friends and mentor when he broke down.

this wouldn’t have been possible if he’d been feebleminded. feeblemind explicitly prevents the affected creature from casting spells or activating magic items. in that scenario, the only thing bren would’ve been capable of is throwing hands. from him? not very dangerous at all.

how do we know astrid wasn’t lying or intentionally deceptive? because she (and eadwulf) still cares so much for caleb that she risked her life multiple times to aid him. no one who would give caleb a map to a secret volstrucker vault with her own handwriting on it (e127, 29:29; and 30:57)—or intentionally fail to counterspell him when ikithon could’ve seen her do so—would lie to caleb about ikithon attempting to permanently feeblemind him if she knew.

to preempt the idea that astrid had set the m9 up: it’s very obvious she didn’t, since trent ikithon had clearly had no forewarning of a break-in. he would’ve at least been waiting in the vault, already prepared to subdue them quickly, if he’d known.

so it’s fair to determine that astrid would either be honest to the extent of her knowledge to caleb or make it clear that she couldn’t answer him. since she didn’t imply the latter, we can assume she was being honest. and because of astrid’s competence, it’s highly probable she would’ve noticed if his behavior was symptomatic of feeblemind over the years.

fact the second: bren’s mental condition repeatedly improved and regressed while he was institutionalized.

astrid states this in the same conversation about their subduing him after his breakdown (e89, 1:50:50). considering this with the context of their romantic relationship prior to his breakdown, her genuine care for him, and her rise to power that included accompanying ikithon frequently to the sanatorium (e127, 31:07)—astrid would’ve had the motivation and the opportunities to visit bren in person. she could’ve also kept well-abreast of his condition.

actual times of improvement and decline in the mental state that astrid first observed during his breakdown wouldn’t be consistent with feeblemind. although it reduces the victim’s intelligence score to 1, they still retain thought and their sense of identity without problems.

this is a maintenance of consistency and (relative) reason. feeblemind does not actually damage a person’s basic perception of reality. but the health of bren’s behavior throughout the years was instead very unstable.

fact the third: caleb doesn’t remember anything from the burning of his home up to his healing by the unknown cleric.

in the conversation with astrid in e89, he asks her what happened when he broke and explicitly says, “the last thing i remember is my home” (1:46:58). when he first tells beau and nott about his past, he explains that he doesn’t remember much of what happened to him there (e18, 2:51:54).

beyond the reduction to their intelligence, feeblemind doesn’t affect the victim’s ability to form memories. caleb’s keen mind feat and established narrative element of his eidetic memory would’ve still been present as well. therefore, feeblemind alone can’t explain such a significant, near-empty gap in his memory. he would still remember something.

even the possibility of trent ikithon altering them directly is precluded by the fact that the cleric’s healing removed the alterations to caleb’s memory. if all those years had been magically blocked away, they’d have returned when he was healed of everything else.

fact the fourth: sometimes, people really do just break.

nothing about caleb’s backstory is inconsistent with just... being a person living their life, even a terrible one. he was a young man that believed so zealously in his country and his purpose, abused by a powerful older man, that he did many horrible things and believed they were right. until finally he did something that he couldn’t process and broke down.

there’s two reoccurring, underlying assumptions i’ve noticed behind why this theory seems to be so compelling and popular:

caleb just seems so remorseful and traumatized by his double patricide. there’s no way he would’ve willingly murdered his parents. ikithon must have known and decided to preempt his inevitable betrayal.

everything we know about bren, especially from the horse’s own mouth, suggests that he had been willing (at least up until his mental break) to murder his parents. he was literally an extreme nationalist—a fascist, if you will. he was lawful evil (twitter source). he gratefully executed many “criminals” put in front of him, more than likely by burning them to death based on his ptsd. victims whom we now understand may not have been guilty of anything at all.

he was glad to do what he thought was best for the dwendalian empire, and he truly thought being volstrucker was the correct path. trent ikithon, his abuser, treated him as his favorite (e110, 3:30:58). because he believed.

that fervent faith, in fact, is the key to something like his breakdown in the first place. hearing the dying screams of his parents, bren was forced to confront a violent dissonance between his radical beliefs that condemned traitors (as he believed until the cleric’s healing) and the intuitive horror of murdering his parents that he couldn’t reconcile. this fathomless sense of betrayal is why caleb so deeply despised ikithon and himself.

a young evocation wizard who didn’t want his parents dead would’ve run into that burning house, feebleminded or not. someone magically compelled to set that fire would’ve understood what happened as soon as the charm left him and would definitely remember every detail once the cleric healed him.

caleb is remorseful and traumatized because he willingly murdered his parents. as well as many others.

it can’t be that simple. caleb was institutionalized for eleven years just because his abuser pushed him too far? there must be a more nefarious reason. ikithon even said he basically stored him for later.

putting aside the fact that bren having a breakdown in the way he did makes complete sense for his situation, ikithon’s “claim” that he orchestrated all of caleb’s subsequent years is not only something he never actually says (e110, 3:16:34)—it is a claim that’s patently absurd.

i’ve written meta that discusses this in the past (link here). essentially though, the number of moving pieces and assumptions that would be needed for such a series of events is ridiculously improbable. even assuming that ikithon feebleminded him—so that caleb’s mind would be intact when he ‘woke up’—even assuming that ikithon somehow procured the service of a cleric of the archeart—a banned deity in the empire that would oppose ikithon...

why in the world would he ever reasonably believe that caleb widogast, the man he viciously betrayed and lied to and abused, would do anything to benefit ikithon?

trent ikithon is a mortal man. he has power, yes; enchantment magic, authority, and a history of abuse and manipulation over caleb’s head, yes. but ikithon is a mortal man. not a puppeteer in the sky piloting people’s bodies.

he certainly wouldn’t have led caleb to a whole new family that would change everything about his life for the better. a family that would love him, truly—a family that would help him heal, bear the weight of his guilt, and find a real future waiting for him again instead of a self-destructive end. a family that would fight tooth and nail for caleb’s sake against ikithon.

abusers lie. their biggest lie, the one they always circle back to in the end, is that their victim is unique: that there is something which makes them deserving of abuse, and that their abuser is both right and inescapable.

ikithon is read as honest because he chooses his words carefully and has the self-confidence to believe it. everything he’s claimed about caleb and his past have either been implications that he encouraged others to reach for him or platitudes empty of everything except gaslighting intent.

caleb has escaped. and everything ikithon wants is to convince caleb and his friends that he continues to control caleb’s life, that caleb is special, so he can regain some influence over a man who’s come to command so much power.

the idea that caleb must’ve been feebleminded—that he couldn’t have just had a mental breakdown like so many other prospective volstrucker before miraculously, then strenuously, recovering to create a hopeful future for himself—falls into the trap of validating ikithon’s lies.

trent ikithon didn’t see and believe in caleb’s ‘full potential’ before anyone else did. he didn’t foresee a single ounce of the man’s struggle to put himself back together after what he suffered. caleb was not institutionalized to serve as a toy to one day pull back out of the closet. there was no feeblemind or other secretive plan that could only serve to obfuscate the brutal truth:

ikithon abused a boy until he shattered, and tried to hide the evidence. a crime that he’s committed against countless other children. plain and simple.

so that’s my piece.

caleb widogast—bren ermendrud—was not the victim of a premeditated feeblemind from ikithon, based on the mechanics of the spell. even more importantly, the narrative of his and ikithon’s stories would suffer if he was.

now,

A LOGICAL POSSIBILITY I WON’T DENY.

what if ikithon feebleminded him as a method to subdue him after the breakdown?

this is more or less an alternate theory that’s irrelevant to the points i actually wanted to make. but i want to talk about it anyway because it’s kind of fun.

fact the bonus: bren spent eleven years in the sanatorium.

eleven years is a long time. he would’ve been able to save every 30 days after the initial failed save. the exandrian calendar has about eleven 30-day periods every year. assuming a feeblemind spell cast on him just prior to his institutionalization, that’s somewhere around 121 possible save attempts, give or take a few.

what’s the likelihood of him actually saving? to go through the mechanics:

normally, feeblemind reduces a person’s intelligence score to 1, modifier -5. caleb, as a variant human, possessed the feat keen mind from the beginning both mechanically and story-wise. this would make his intelligence score 2, modifier -4, even after feeblemind.

as a level 1-2 wizard, he would’ve had proficiency in intelligence saves. this would be +2 to his save.

in total, the modifier to bren’s intelligence saves would be -2.

in order to cast feeblemind, trent ikithon would have to have been a minimum level 15 wizard. this leaves two possible proficiency bonuses to determine his spell save dc: +5 or +6.

it’s probably safe to assume that his intelligence score is at least 18–20, likely 20. this would be a modifier of +4 or +5. (his intelligence could be 22+ if matt wanted to be a real dick, but let’s assume otherwise.)

spell save dc = 8 + spellcasting score mod (for wizards, this is intelligence) + proficiency bonus.

this means trent ikithon’s possible spell save dc is somewhere from 17–19.

therefore:

at minimum—17 being ikithon as a level 15–16 wizard with an intelligence score of 18–19 at the time of casting—bren would have to roll a 19 or nat 20 to make the save with his -2 save modifier.

at a dc of 18—ikithon either being level 17–20 or having an intelligence score of 20, but not both—bren would have to roll a nat 20.

at a dc of 19(+), it would be impossible for bren to save without additional bonuses such as bless.

i don’t have the brainpower to calculate some real statistical probabilities, but depending on your opinion of trent ikithon’s probable capabilities at the time of bren’s mental break, he may have been able to save against feeblemind sometime during the eleven years he spent at the sanatorium.

naturally, this has the earlier-mentioned conundrum of remembering that return of clarity once he was healed by the cleric, should ikithon have been retrieved to recast the feeblemind and altered his memories. nevertheless, it may or may not be a fun thought to play around with.

[transastronautistic]

queer / otherwise diverse horror story recs

i’ve been reading (& watching) a lot of horror stories this spooky season, and i’ve found some great novels, many of them queer 🏳️‍🌈. i figured i’d share them in case anyone else wants to tuck into a good book as halloween approaches!

If you wanna add your own horror novel/short story recs to the list please do — especially if they've got queer or disabled characters 😎

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir.

[id for below image: cover of Gideon the Ninth featuring a slim figure dressed all in black with her face painted to look like a skull under red hair; she holds a sword in one hand and strides forward from a sea of skeletons. A quote from Charles Stross reads, “Lesbian Necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space!” To the right is a photo of the author, a young person with pale skin and long red hair.]

~Suspenseful. Gory. Clever.~ 🏳️‍🌈 (sapphic) 479 pp.

It's weird as shit in the BEST way. It turns into a murder mystery partway through & my wife & i could barely put it down till we finished.

My main critique is that the cover art shows Gideon with an hourglass figure — the book makes it clear she's BULKED!! she's built like a brick shithouse!! also she's gay af, unapologetically messy, rebellious, funny — everything you could ask for in a protagonist.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily Danforth.

[id: cover of Plain Bad Heroines with a small black-and-white photo of the author beside it. The cover is black with red illustrations of wasps and flowers around the title.]

~Multilayered. Melancholy. Haunting.~ 🏳️‍🌈 (sapphic polyamory!) 640pp.

One horrific event ricochets out across generations, leaving death & danger (& bees?!) in its wake. We move from an early 1900s girls' school to 21-century Hollywood and back.

Parts of Plain Bad Heroines are funny, other parts are SCARY AS FUCK. There are sucker-punching plot twists galore, and the characters are all so. good. There’s a ridiculous number of characters but Danforth manages to dig into the psyche of each one. You end up loving and hating them and rooting for them and feeling like part of their story and ahh! it’s just so good.

i read it as an audiobook & it's one of the best i've ever heard — Xe Sands' narration makes this eerie tale even eerier.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon.

[id: cover of An Unkindness of Ghosts, featuring a determined looking face staring out from a mostly-blue stretch of outer space. To the right is a black-and-white photo of the author, a Black person with glasses and hair pulled up high.]

~Suspenseful. Dystopian. Visceral~

🏳️‍🌈⚧️ (nonbinary & intersex; autistic & other neurodiversity) 340pp.

This novel is basically chattel slavery in space; be ready for all that entails (including sexual violence—not graphic, but frequent). Seriously, it’s intense.

It’s also not exactly of the horror genre, but the horrors of slavery and racism, sexism, ableism as viscerally depicted in this book are scarier than any “real” ghosts.

An Unkindness of Ghosts' protagonist offers the best look into an autistic mind that I've seen in a novel. Her medical skill grants her access to parts of this massive spaceship that most of her race can't go, and her sharp mind is instrumental as revolution brews...

The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones.

[id: Cover for The Only Good Indians, on which an elk’s antlers and the top half of their head fills the black cover. To the right is a photo of the author wearing all black and standing in front of a faded green wall.]

~Vengeful. Unsettling. Grotesque.~

Blackfeet characters. 320 pp.

A sense of unbearable foreboding built up in me as i read this one. Jones explores the consequences of breaking with tradition and violating nature. Exploration of the relationships between men & woman, adults & children, Blackfeet & white persons, are really interesting.

CW: gory deaths, both human & animal.

Moon of the Crusted Snow by Waubgeshig Rice.

[id: Cover of Moon of the Crusted snow, which shows a grayish white sky above an expanse of snow, in the middle of which is a partially submerged car. To the right is a photo of the author standing outside, who has shoulder length hair and wears a light blazer.]

~Post-apocalyptic. Darkly Soft. Poetic.~

Anishinaabe characters. 224 pp.

As a small Anishinaabe community in northern Canada prepares for winter, the electricity and 

Something about how this book is written reminds me of how snow & bitter cold muffle sound. The horror is slow but crushing.

Empire of Wild by Cherie Dimaline.

[id: a photo of the author of Empire of Wild, a woman with long dark hair, glasses, a large circular earring, and a tattoo of curling blue text partially visible under her v-neck shirt. The book’s cover is to the right, with the title appearing between the thin trunks of a forest of trees, a dark sky behind them. A quote from Margaret Atwood read, “Deftly written, gripping and informative. Empire of Wild is a rip-roaring read!”]

~Suspenseful. Sensuous. Tenacious.~

Métis characters. 320 pp.

The various relationships between characters feel real and alive as Joan rallies support from loved ones and sets out to save her missing husband or die trying. My favorite is the relationship between Joan and her 12-year-old nephew Zeus — you know how some authors just don’t know how to write kids? well, Dimaline does — Zeus is the perfect mix of moody and earnest, capable and naive.

This is a monster story, and while the Monster (a rogarou!) is as creepy as you want in such a tale, the real monster is colonialism & colonizers' brand of Christianity. Comparisons between that insidious religion and the beliefs & practices that carry Joan and her older relatives through their various struggles is what will stick with me most from this book.

[christinaroseandrews]

Looking for a Romance this Valentine’s Day?

So, every publication and blogger is putting out a Valentine’s Day romance list, and we are nothing if not followers. We’ve assembled a large list (33 Books) of a mix of traditionally and indie published books. All of the books on this list are ones we’ve read and feel comfortable recommending. And they all fit the definition of romance - a story where the relationship is central to the overall plot and features a happy for now or happily every after ending.

We’re going to break this down into several categories because not everyone reads Regency romances (but we are going to start there).

Regency Romance

These are books set between 1795-1837. While the Regency itself was only from 1811-1820 most people use these dates including Wikipedia. This was honestly one of the hardest for us to narrow down, mostly because it’s the dominant genre in traditionally published romance -- even Contemporary doesn’t hold a candle to Regency right now.

Sweet Disorder - Rose Lerner - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Election hijinks ensue when the local election hinges on who the widowed wife of a newspaper printer marries. Other Notes: Plus-Sized Heroine, Family Drama, Disabled Characters, Everyday People Falling in Love, Marginalized Author (Jewish).

The Baroness Affair - Jean Wilde - M/M/F Romance (Steamy) - A desperate noblewoman enlists the help of a male courtesan to help her get pregnant... no it’s not what you think. Other Notes: Equal Triad Polyamory, Period Appropriate Homophobia, LBGT Romance, Family Drama.

How To Start a Scandal - Madeline Martin - M/F Romance (Steamy) - A wallflower and secret society reporter reconnects with the Earl Next Door who’s recently returned from the war. Other Notes: Plus-Sized Heroine, Family Drama, Positive Mental Illness Portrayal, Cute Plot Animals.

Project Duchess - Sabrina Jeffries - M/F Romance (Steamy) - A duke returns to his family after the mysterious death of his stepfather, yet another duke, only to be enchanted by a woman who has a connection to the last person to see his stepfather alive. Other Notes: Older Heroine (the whole series features these), Romantic Suspense Series, family drama. I’m really enjoying the whole series and it’s worth a read.

The Rakess - Scarlett Peckham - M/F Romance (Steamy) - This is a love it or hate it kind of book that flips so many of the conventional romance tropes on its ear. It features a hard-drinking, hard-smoking, highly sexual woman who authors progressive literature and causes a scandal just by living her life meeting up with a mild-mannered reputation conscious Scottish Architect with two small children. Even the cover flips the script on the classic clinch cover. I loved it. A lot people didn’t. Other notes: Period appropriate sexism/hypocrisy/etc., CW: alcoholism, neighbors to lovers, adorable plot moppets.

Paranormal Romance

These are romances that feature a fantastical element. This can be anything from vampires to shifters to time travel. These also will often be series which may or may not continue with the same relationship throughout several books.

Hot Ghost - Annika Martin - M/F Romance (Steamy) - A waitress finds love with the ghost who haunts the pier near her family’s restaurant. Other Notes: Major Character Death (It’s a Ghost Romance...), Everyday People Falling in Love, Novella.

Accepting Fate - Deanna Chase - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Fresh from a bad break up, a woman meets her soulmate at an art gallery opening. Together they have to work through their trauma and find out if they can be happy together. Other Notes: Childhood trauma, Fire Fighter Romance, Soulmates, Artists.

Gretel - Niamh Murphy - F/F Romance (Steamy) - A retelling of the fairy tale Hansel and Gretel with a very interesting twist. Other Notes: Age-Gap Romance, Novella.

One Shade of Grey - Monica Corwin - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Dorian Grey, yes that one, has a bit of a problem. He keeps seeing a woman who he thinks is the reincarnation of his lost love. But is she really? Or is he going insane? Other Notes: Positive Portrayal of Mental Illness, Classical Story Retelling, Billionaire Romance, Immortality

Tangled in Time - Barbara Longley - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Cursed to see spirits, Regan is approached by the spirit of a cursed Irish warrior. Now they must work together to lift his curse and fall in love along the way. Other Notes: Fae Romance, Time Travel Romance, Ghost Romance.

Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites - Joy Demorra - M/M/F Romance (Steamy or Fluffy) - A vampire, a werewolf, and a magic user walk into a plot to end the world. Of course they have to fall in love along the way. Other Notes: Vampire Romance, Werewolf Romance, Magic User Romance, LBGT Fantasy Romance, Bisexual Romance, Postive Mental Illness representation, Marginalized Author (Disabled, Queer, Neurodivergent).

Erotic Romance

These are books where the sex is as much a part of the romance as the rest of the story. The plots here tend to be thinner, but they’re still present and important. This is not smut for smut’s sake. The relationship is important too. All of these are going to rate high on the steam.

After Hours - Lynda Aicher - M/F Romance - An executive assistant accidentally observes an after hours orgy in one of the boardrooms. Rather than be repulsed, she’s aroused. And up for more. Other Notes: Workplace Romance, Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, Mild BDSM, Boss/Subordinate Relationship.

Loving Maddie from A to Z - Kelly Jamison - M/M/F Romance - An outwardly happy couple looks to add something to their relationship by inviting their friend into their home and bed. Other Notes: Polyamory, BDSM, Big City Romance.

Ever After - Eden French - M/M/F Romance - An erotic modern retelling of the Cinderella fairy tale featuring billionaires, celebrities, and lots of hot sex. Other Notes: Interracial Romance, Polyamory, Billionaire Romance, CW: Child Abuse.

Test Drive - N.S. Johnson - M/F Romance - A so-called good girl finds that she’s really not when she falls for the leader of a street racing crew. Other Notes: Polyamory, CW: Infidelity, Interracial Romance, Reverse Harem, Recreational Drug Use, Author of Color.

Other Historical Romance

These are romances set outside of the Regency but not during contemporary periods. A lot of old school romances tend to be this because medieval was big then. But it also includes everything up to 1990 too... Yeah... I know... I feel old.

Let It Shine - Alyssa Cole - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Set during the civil rights movement, this story follows two young people struggling to find their voice and love amidst the turmoil of the 1960s. Other Notes: Interracial Romance, Period Appropriate Racism, Period Appropriate Anti-Semitism, Author of Color, Sports Romance, Novella.

In Pursuit Of... - Courtney Milan - M/M Romance (Steamy) - Set immediately after the American War for Independence it features a British soldier falling in love with a Black man who fought for the American side. Other Notes: Interracial Romance, Romantic Comedy, period appropriate racism, author of color, Novella.

Bringing Down the Duke - Evie Dunmore - M/F Romance (Steamy) - A rare female scholar tries to keep her scholarship going while also crusading for the rights of women in Victorian England. Other Notes: Alpha Hero, Clueless Heroine.

Contemporary Romance

These romances are set in the last 25 years and run the gamut of tropes.

Get a Life, Chloe Brown - Talia Hibbert - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Sick of living her life wrapped in tissue paper, Chloe Brown sets off to live a little. And to do that, she needs the help of her building’s manager. Other Notes: Plus-Sized Heroine, Interracial Romance, Disabled Characters, Positive Portrayal of Mental Illness, Marginalized Author (Black). As a note the sequel Take a Hint, Dani Brown is just as good and features a Bisexual Woman of Color.

Beg, Borrow, or Steal - Susie Tate - M/F Romance (Fluffy) - A medical student has to juggle the needs of being a single mother, a student, and paying the bills. And if that means she’s got to take off her clothes to do that, that’s what she’s going to do. Too bad she keeps falling asleep in class. Other Notes: No Sex (No really), But also Super sex positive, Student/Teacher Relationship, Adorable Plot Moppet.

Soft Hands - Ariel Bishop - M/M Romance (Steamy) - A professional Hockey Player ends up falling for the team trainer and massage therapist. Other Notes: Bisexual Rep, Sports Romance, Interracial Romance.

The Year We Fell Down - Sarina Bowen - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Two people who’ve suffered from accidents which have left them disabled find each other at a Harvard Expy. While one of the characters only has a temporary disability (broken leg) it still fucking counts. Other Notes: New Adult Romance, Disabled characters, Sports Romance, College Romance.

Small Town Romance

A subgenre of Contemporary Romance, these are books set in a small town and often the stakes tend to be pretty low. They can run the range of no-sex to lots of steam. They are also often VERY WHITE. While many are set in America, they can also be set elsewhere with Australia and the British Isles being the most common other settings.

Falling for Her Brother’s Best Friend - Noelle Adams - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Who doesn’t love a small town romance featuring characters that used to be childhood friends becoming more? Other Notes: New Adult Romance.

The Last One - Tawdra Kandle - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Meghan, an art student, and Sam, a farmer, and how they meet in small-town Georgia when Meghan comes to teach art over the summer to the kids in town…and ends up staying with Sam and his family. Other Notes: Alpha Male Hero.

If Wishes Were Horses - Caitlyn Lynch - M/F Romance (Steamy) - When an Aussie woman inherits partial ownership in a horse ranch in Ireland, sparks fly. Other Notes: Novella, Irish Romance.

Old School Romance

These are romances that were written before the rise of indie publishing where white men had the power and it shows. These are what people point to when they reduce romance novels to just “bodice rippers” but even then they weren’t just that.  BTW none of these books feature Fabio so suck it!

Skye O’Malley - Bertrice Small - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Daughter of a small Irish lord, this book follows Skye through her life and romances across England, Ireland, and even Algeria. It’s wild and all over the place and is not your typical romance novel. It ends on a HEA but there is a JOURNEY. But gods it’s one of my old-school faves. Other Notes: Major Character Death. Non-Con, Pirates, Interracial Romance, Historical Domain Characters, This is not your typical romance. I like the whole series... but that’s a me thing.

The Traveling Matchmaker Series - Marion Chesney/M.C Beaton - M/F Romance (Fluffy) - A housekeeper inherits a large sum of money and decides to use it to travel about England. Along the way, she makes matches for the other passengers of the stagecoach she’s traveling on while getting into all sorts of adventures. This series is pure fluff and I love it. Other Notes: Period appropriate xenophobia, Age Gap Romance.

Remembrance - Jude Deveraux - M/F Romance (Steamy) - A romance novelist discovers that the reason she hasn’t found love is because of an issue with her past life. So she decides to do something about it... only to find it’s just the very tip of the story. Other Notes: Time Travel Romance, Past Lives, Meta... so very meta.

Desire in Disguise - Rebecca Brandewyne - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Look this is set during the French Revolution and features duelling (quite literally) pirates. This is a wild ride and it’s so old school it hurts. Other Notes: Alpha hero, mistaken identity, enemies to lovers, spies, pirates, But oh so many problematic tropes. This looks to be out of print... so check your local library.

Gentle Warrior - Julie Garwood - M/F Romance (Steamy) - Set right after the Norman Invasion of England, this features a Norman Lord who was granted an Anglo-Saxon wife and all of the drama that comes with. Note... this is the first Romance Novel I ever read.. My mother bought it for me when it was newish -- in 1987. Other Notes: CW: Rape, Arranged Marriage, Non-conventionally Attractive Hero.

Books that check all of the boxes of Romance but aren’t Labeled as Romance because Sexism.

Romance isn’t about sex. There’s lots of books with explicit sex in them that aren’t Romance and several with a strong romantic relationship that drives the plot which ends happily and satisfying. But sexism is a thing and so here we are.

The Princess Bride - William Goldman - M/F Romance (Fluffy) - You’ve probably seen the movie. The book is also fun. And since the romance is central to the plot AND the ending is a happy one (especially in the movie) it qualifies.

The Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins - M/F Romance (Fluffy) - Look who would have thought that in a book about kids killing each other and the violence of war that Romance would play that big of a role? But it does. And it is. And it’s important.

Katherine - Anya Seton - M/F Romance (Fluffy) - This could feasibly go into Old School Romance, but apparently the publishers have decided to downplay the actual romance and try to sell this as literature. It follows the real-life Romance between Katherine Swineford and the Duke of Lancaster. 

Did we leave off any of your favorites? It’s probably because we haven’t read them! We always like recs, especially featuring marginalized authors or main characters with marginalized identities.

If you like this kind of thing, consider leaving us a tip in our Ko-Fi!

[thefuzzbuzz]

Hello My Friends

This one’s gonna be a doozy. I apologize firsthand for throwing such content on your dashboard, but I just feel like I need to put this somewhere. My life story I guess It will be least impactful to me if I put it here. I feel like it will help me face my reality, but I’m not ready to throw it out to everyone in my immediate life. Just the anonymous ones. Anyway, allons-y or whatever the fuck y’all say sometimes. 

CW: abuse, CSA, death, suicidal thoughts, uhh...drugs. Probably more? 

p.s. Wow this ended up way all over the place and ended like a vent. 

I suppose the best way to start this out is by saying that I’m safe. I’m a little high, and a little stressed, but I am safe.

The purpose I’m giving this post is that I need to face some amount of my reality before check myself before I shrek myself (as in destroy my career and livelihood). This feels like a first step towards honesty, because I have not been honest with myself. Even if not a single other soul reads this, I’ll know what I’ve said. 

From the top: I don’t remember much. The things I do remember are not positive experiences. My earliest memories are of my parents hitting my siblings or me. Except my sister. My sister behaved like her life depended on it, AND she was their oldest daughter (almost). I think my other brother got the worst treatment though. Family systems and all that. I think I may have gotten lucky all things considered. I remember some moments where things were fine. We had lots of people in and out of our house. My cousin and her daughter lived with us for a few years at the time. I had found out years later that she was actually running from an abusive relationship. What a plot hole I could go down with that one. I digress. 

Things were fine usually. I had regular problems outside the occasional domestic violence. I had my first group of friends come from far less than I did. A fraction of them have died or been relocated to god knows where. I was around people who dabbled in drugs frequently but I was unaware of it. I’m not sure so much of that affected me as their other behaviors did. The emotional detachment and neglect ran deep. 

I also had some significant sensory issues as well. My shoes tied unevenly tight? Freak out. I had to eat something gooey? Gag, vomit if necessary. Shirt armpits too tight? Tear them out. Sounds too loud? Panic. Sounds too quiet? Hulk out. And god forbid I had to smell things. I’ve always been a smell-sensitive person, but it leads to some minor feelings of suffocation. Fuckin ouch. 

Oh, and I was truly into the tomboy culture of the early 2000s. IFYKYK. I learned so much from those guys. If I weren’t such a snitch back then, I could’ve been so much worse had I stayed around them. We had this fun game called the “tripping game” in which we would all run around in circles and try to trip the shit out of each other. We were outside constantly, building bike ramps and playing in gutters.

I miss it so much. 

When I was young, my father was disabled in an accident. Actually, we aren’t sure. It was probably the botched knee replacement that did him in.

After this his health problems began. He hobbled everywhere, ordered people around from the pure agony that he was in from his knee pain. He had a career that required some hefty labor, and ultimately this left us without an income. We lived on disability as a family of 5 and sometimes more ever since. He happened to be a victim of the opioid epidemic at the time as well. 

Soon after, my grandfather passed away. It was a confusing time, but I think the anger my father had for everyone had numbed me by that time. He was truly just an angry dude. My aunt told me that I was strong. People asked if I understood what was happening, and I did. I had cried for hours over hamsters that died. Not this time! I remember watching my dad break down at his funeral and wondering what it felt like to have that outpouring of support as people surrounded him. They played Johnny Cash and people cried. I still remember the classic old man smell Pappy had. He was an angry man too, but he was too frail to do much about it by the time I came around. He just wanted his devil cakes, diet pepsi, and cigarettes, goddammit. 

6 months after he passed, my brother passed away. He tried to join the military for 5 years, from 2000-2005. He passed a month into his first deployment after he finished boot camp. Sometimes, when I try to remember it, the only thing my rotten ass brain will give me is the sound my mother made when she found out. I can’t look at a deli platter. He was a beloved guy in the community. volunteer firefighter, friends with the cops because how can you hate a guy like that, that kind of guy. We got so many deli platters. 

I don’t ever remember crying about it. I remember people asking me if I was alright. I’d just nod and smile and go find something to do. I was mostly co-babysitter throughout the situation as my brother’s daughter was just 8 months old at the time. I’d push her stroller through the funeral home in my handsewn dress each day. There were two viewing days and the funeral. We got to ride in a limo. Oh, and one of my brother’s exes called us and said that our other (Alive) brother was in a motorcycle accident on the way to the funeral home. 

Cue panic and upset. 

We get to the funeral home and he’s fine. Nothing happened. 

Cue relief. 

After the funeral, as expected, everyone just got worse. My sister lost a part of her soul when he died. My niece and her mother moved in as they had been living in an abusive situation with another guy while my brother was deployed. 6 months after my brother passed, my remaining brother demolished his truck in a drunk driving accident. He was with friends, far too drunk, and he tried to drive home. He was alright, I think? A lot of glass shards in his head I believe. It’s hard to keep track at times. 

Cue more dysfunction. 

Things settle for a few years. We all tiptoe around on eggshells because every one else is a time bomb. My parents decide to use the dead brother paycheck on gutting the house and buying a truck. Our house is completely remodeled but the fighting and arguing and shitty behavior that it took us to get there was terrible. We kids were expected to do two things: Whatever we were told to do, and whatever we should have done. My parents were very “kids should be seen, not heard” types. The “I’ll give you something to cry about” types. Sharing was mandatory, and let me tell you, the food aggression that came from having 5 family members to share a personal pizza with? Unmatched. 

My dad’s health problems also increased significantly. He was now suffering strokes, heart attacks, arthritis, C-Diff, decreased mobiity, etc. At one point, he had a 6 month stint where he was in at least once every month. 

I also have hit the peak of the abuse I would see throughout the years. I would like to tell them in as clear detail as I possibly can so that I can work to remember them. As I’ve become more dissociative and think less about these events, I’ve started to lose them. I’ll bookend these guys with bold words if you would prefer to skip these parts. It may also be a bit out of order due to memory bumblery.

these are the bold words-start

The niece that I had mentioned before, the one that I pushed in the stroller all over my brother’s funeral? We had a love hate relationship. As a young child, I had so much resentment for her. She got all of the attention with her being my brother’s daughter and even more so because her mother is a royal piece of shit. She was neglect heavily by her mother, leading to a growth hormone deficiency. There were guys in and out of her mother’s life, and she was fond of just tormenting my niece in every way she could. I started to realize this more and more as I hung around them and got wiser. Her mother remarried to another royal piece of shit with a few of his own kids. They were treated even worse than my niece. One of them switched between 4 households constantly, and had developed some attention seeking behaviors. The first few instances of abuse were over eating. He ate breakfast too slowly and therefore would not be allowed to eat for the rest of the day. Many times she would neglect to feed them over petty things, e.g. “you knew that these were chicken fries and not fish sticks before I asked you what you wanted, you don’t get anything now” type shit. There were a few times when the kids would wake up puking bile and she would refuse to clean it up or take care of them. “I just can’t clean up his puke. Anyone else’s but not his.” She despised her step son. His life had already been set up for horrible outcomes as he was abused and neglected by each adult in his life as they passed him around. I had only begun to notice the abuse when I turned 11 or so and began lobbying for my parents to contact protective services. We knew that she had been hitting them, but to my parents, the risk of losing my niece as we had discovered that she wasn’t related by blood. I full believe to this day that her mother lied about her paternal side so that she could manipulate my parents. She knew they wouldn’t say no. I knew that she was abusive, emotionally, physically, etc. but was powerless to do anything about it.

these are some more bolds words-end

By the time I hit 12, three years after my brother’s death, I have completely dissolved as a person. My purpose is to run my parent’s errands, learn to be a housewife, and learn to be quieter. I could never shut the fuck up, or sit still, do things properly. My mom frequently said I walked to the beat of my own drum and other shit like that. I never understood what she meant. It’s at this point that I start to see myself become a weird kid. I had no social skills. It’s felt like I’m constantly 2-3 years behind everyone else, and it starts here. My grades start to decline and enter: maladaptive daydreaming disorder. 

I remember the first night I saw X-Men Evolution on tv. It was so late at night and I remember being half attentive to the tv. Kurt caught me immediately. I designed my own character in my head and off I went. I started to spin on my computer as I daydreamt. Then talking to myself as I daydreamed. Then listening to music really loudly to cover up the sound of my voice. Then just signing while I spin. 

It lasted years. I would come home from school, eat till I was full, and then it was spin class until 3 am. I start sleeping through all my classes, stopped doing homework, and started fighting with all the teachers I could. It all came to a head in 8th grade. I’m not sure of the timeline, but within the year, my sister’s then boyfriend had moved in, groomed me, molested me, and also my dad was paralyzed from the neck down. 6 months after the paralysis, my brother got his second DUI a few blocks from our house. And I think I witnessed my first severe instance of abuse at this same time. 

It was a busy time. I don’t think I can even properly unpack all that currently. I guess we should go chronologically then.

Here’s some bold words! Warning! -Start

The sexual abuse was thankfully, not violent. Shitty, yes. I still count myself lucky every day that it was only to the level that it was. I still cannot deal with the anything  that comes with that situation. I don’t think I’ve begun to accept that it’s probably fucked a lot of me. It’s responsible for so many of my worst qualities, as am I. I learned to value myself for sex, as most young girls do. Enter: hypersexuality. I won’t say much more about that. It hurts to know that I was “the other girl” towards my sister. I hate that this was my significant sexual awakening. I hate that my sister believes that she wronged him first, not knowing that he set the record straight years before he made her believe that.

At this time, my dad’s problem spine was discovered. He had an appointment in a bigger city a few hours away and my parents had asked my niece’s mother to watch me. They didn’t trust my siblings, but for some reason they trusted her. My dad was in surgery for a few hours on the second day of their trip, and, I believe, comatose for 8 days afterwards. I stayed at their house for 4 of them before things really went south.

I remember clearly what had happened. My niece’s mother, we can call her Bitch for the rest of the story because, frankly, that’s what she is. There is no person on this Earth that I despise more. She is wholly responsible for so much destruction, and she’s prideful about it. 

She had a habit of playing rough. She knew that she was bigger and therefore that her kids couldn’t do shit. She ruled with an iron fist, a fan of the paddle and the cruel and unusual. One night of my stay, she was wrestling with her least favorite child and sitting on his small 9 year old body. Eventually, he started complaining and asking her to get off. She ignored him, not even breaking her focus on her other daughter. That is, until he tried to push her off. I had not understood what was happening just yet as we were having fun. She motioned for me to pick up her daughter, and I did as told. As you do. I can remember exactly how her face changed from relaxation to anger in a fraction of a second. She slammed her hands down to the floor on either side of his head and began screaming. Nothing prepared me for the words that she had for him or how she would act next. She picked him up by the neck, held him against the door, and continued her onslaught. She turned to all four of us, between the ages of 2-12, and screamed at us to get upstairs. 

Of course, we obeyed. I put the muppets  movie on for the kids and just waited. I wanted the movie to drown out the sound of the scene downstairs, but it was already replaying in my head. Some time into the movie, I went to the bathroom and bawled until I felt numb enough to deal with it. I could use my iPod to record if I were able to sneak past. I was able to sneak down the kitchen stairs to listen to what I could. They had moved into the kitchen now, and she was berating him on every single level. She screamed at him that she loved him and his real mother didn’t. She screamed at him until he repeated the phrases he so dearly hated as a 9 year old boy. She called his mother a cunt and then made him repeat it as he sobbed and gasped. She made him say such uncomfortable things. He hated the word “vagina” as they do, but he still screamed it when she demanded. She hated him for anything he could be, and this was how she broke him. I can still hear her voice as she let him go: “I’ll get off you now, since I know you can’t breathe.”

I called my parents and asked if I could come home the next day. They knew I was serious and arranged for someone to come get me. It ended up being Bitch’s sister. She was a kind woman with lots of her own problems, and a 0-tolerance policy for most things. I recounted some of the most harrowing details. She seemed so downtrodden hearing what I was saying, but I can recognize the feeling now. Protective services won’t do anything once stories conflict, and everyone else knew that, including Bitch. We were stuck but I had no idea why.

A few days later, Bitch sat us down and told us that my father was paralyzed. I still hate that she was the one who found out first. I didn’t respond to the news. 

My dad’s paralysis was shitty to no end. He was denied care for years, until they found the issue. As with most medical procedures, the liability was that it was his spine, the delicate little shithead. He no longer suffered heart attacks or strokes, but the resulting him that is left? He’s nothing. He hasn’t been for years now. 

Some more bold words- end

At 14, my grades begin to plummet. I am removed from Honor’s classes. My friendships fall apart as I get angrier and more closed off. I dissociate more and become  more involved with my daydreams. They’ve become refined at this point, I guess as refined as a self-insert fic started by a 12 year old with no business having access to the internet can be. I’m immersed in my daydreams.

We get a puppy. He was my everything. My rock in the tough times. God, do I  miss him. I can’t write about it. 

I start playing minecraft. I spend every day playing minecraft, listening to music, and daydreaming about X-Men Evolution. I meet the guy. He was 1 year older than me, put up with so much of my bullshit, and then dumped me for a girl with a history of stabbing people. He was truly attracted to the problem girls lmao. He said it was because she was skinnier though. The rat bastard. 

Oh, and by this point, I have failed so. many. classes. I hate sitting and doing homework. I  know the content, why do I need homework? If i can pass the test, why do i need to do extra work? (My educator soul is torn about this part of me). Weeks go by and I simply do not turn in work. I stop showing up. When I am there, I’m asleep. My teachers start to turn on me too. they divide themselves into three groups: those who respond with care, those who respond with anger, and those who do not respond. Most of them have seen all of my siblings and know that shit’s just fucked at home. Most of them started to call me out on my behavior and I made it clear that I truly did not give a shit. The massive behavior change went unnoted by most. No one ever reached out. Well, at least to me. One of my friends at the time had started to skip her homework as well. They called a meeting with her mom and said that they believed I was influencing her. She was redeemable. I was not. 

Then I found German. Oh how I loved learning a new language. I was amazing at it as well. My first year of learning German, I won the award for best performance, but the catch is that I beat out two kids who were learning calculus II at the nearby campus. They could do calculus but I beat their asses at German. By German II, I received the highest complement from our stingy old professor. He spoke 9 languages, refused to make eye contact, and treated us like the military dogs he wanted us to do. But one day I read a passage out loud to that man and he said “If I close my eyes when I listen to you speak, it sounds like I’m on the streets of Munich again.” I digress. 

My grades continue to have a huge gap. I’m achieving in specials like Art and German, but I’m failing at English and basic History courses. By my senior year, I’ve had to retake several classes, missed enough days to fail, and didn’t pass the one class I needed to graduate. What the fuck. I start therapy and they push for meds. They don’t work and I ditch them after 4 years of trying.

Highschool is still such a blur. At this time, I had really developed a sense of morals and justice that proceeded my current socialist views. And the queerness, that was kinda eh. Wasn’t notable for me but certainly still a thing. I was angry because I hated everyone for being uncaring. I hated how people treated each other. I didn’t understand how people can live their lives knowing what other people do to each other. 

I graduate after summer school, go to college, fuck around and find out. I’m talking 1.6 GPA my first semester. Didn’t even attend the final for my core classes. My freshman year of college, I start dating a guy and probably treated him as poorly as I possibly could. I was dealing with my problems with zero knowledge of how to, zero emotional intelligence, no home raising. I can’t blame him for who he was anymore. I think I broke him too. 

My very first semester of college, our ancient 17 year old husky passed away. He was old, and ready to rejoin my brother who left him so long ago. This only took a bit out of me. It happened right before final’s week. 

The following semester, right on the first day of spring semester, my everything, the dog we got when I was 14 was declared braindead at 4 years old. Just a month after our other dog passed. He had suffered a few seizures a week beforehand but was paced on medicine. He was never the same after the first seizure. Stumbled a bit occasionally, bladder control issues, no tolerance, no energy. all the bad signs of a dog on the last few weeks on earth. When we took him to the vet, and they asked for observation, despite my and my bother’s protests, my mother asked for a DNR. She had always been resentful of my successes and my brother’s mistakes, so the dog was not ideal as a representation of both. I trained and cared for the dog after my brother brought him home and neglected him. The DNR was like a nail in the coffin for me. My mother might truly be more heartless and selfish than I thought before. her reasoning was that “if his lungs or heart stop, I think that’s his body giving out.” even though his issues were starkly neurological. Thankfully he made it through the night and they provided a syringe full of valium. Instructions were clear: If he has another seizure, inject the valium into his ass. I had been giving him his daily medicine, moved into my dorm, and finished my first class when I called to remind my mom to give him his meds. I called and heard a groaning howl behind my mother’s voice. It warbled behind her and I asked if it was him. She seemed panicked and upset that I called at that time, but had plans with friends to take him to the vet. He was a big dog, and she couldn’t lift him on her own. 

A few hours later, she called and said that he was braindead. I wouldn’t even be able to hear his heartbeat try it’s hardest to keep him alive despite his condition. I kept his collar and a cute pawprint. The hardest realization that really tore through me and made me break down was that the previous week was the first time I had seen those candles that they light when someone is losing a pet. I thought it was cute, but knowing that on that day it was lit for me and my dog? Fuck that. 

I still believe that she neglected to give him the valium and allowed him to die. 

My semester finished out with more failed grades and the threat of expulsion looming over me. I was able to make it out and continued to pursue the more caring side of myself at the time. I had always had a knack for working with children. I found them clinging to me after the first interaction. I started to develop this skill? and found that I should switch to an education background given that I hated my major beforehand. In creating our teaching philosophies, I had found that the part that truly frustrated me was the lack of respect for children and the personhood they have. There’s no humanity for thousands of children and it disgusts me. I had already been determined to become a better person than those around me, but this was how. 

I had the passion, but sadly, none of the skills. I was still failing classes and struggling to even like being alive. I hated having responsibilities and finances and thoughts and needs. It was all bullshit, and it still it. Anyway.

Shit continued to happen each final’s week for me. One semester is was my mom being hospitalized, one semester my grandmother died, the next I broke up with my boyfriend, AAAANNNNNDDDD Covid. 

I was living with my ex and my ex best friend at the time. We had had several falling outs and just generally couldn’t tolerate each other anymore, and well...my ex and I did not have a good history as you can see. We dated for three years but they were hard on both of us. 

Through my ex best friend, I discovered weed. Throughout covid I had a small stint of drunken nights and cross faded days. it was most likely the only way to get through the pandemic. I spent it high and ready to die, if you will.

I had started to save my grades as well. Drug that guy the whole way back up to a 3.0. 

The abuse of my niece and her siblings has peaked and withered out as we are not able to contact her anymore. Our relationship exists purely within our shared abuse situations. I hate to see who she’s becoming now. the world has been much less kind to her. We heard a few months ago that she had finally realized she was being molested by her older brother as well. I had predicted that something of the nature would happen or had already happened, but to confirm it was not the best. I still struggle on a daily to deal with the emotions i have about her. She is truly one of my favorite people, and there is not  one other person I would sacrifice everything for. But I will always be there. I will always support her. 

But holy shit do I want to just never think about it again. Escapism has never seemed so sweet as when she comes to me with a story that takes a piece of you and lets it wither in the air until it’s gone. She deserves justice, and safety, and protection, but her mother is hellbent on making it impossible. 

My problems arise now as I have to confront that this is my life. I’m addicted and dependent on marijuana, I’m failing my classes again and holding on for dear life. I can’t stand to be near other people most of the time and can’t handle such little stressors in life. Things were so good for just a few months and it’s come crashing down as hard as it can. I dissociate constantly and can’t access emotions if I tried. I’ve been in therapy for 6 years and never told a single one half of the depth of my life. I think I’ve developed CPTSD from the emotional neglect and repeated stressor events. I think I’ve got some other neurodiversity going on, but who fuckin knows anymore. I can’t complete any tasks anymore and I spend all my time being stressed by my late work, current boyfriend, and triggers every week. I hate being stuck in this spot where I can’t perform and I can’t ease myself. I’m tired of people telling me to exercise, or meditate, or practice mindfulness, even though I know! They will help me! I’m just so fucking scared. Becoming emotional has never helped me, and that fact is being reinforced for me every day.

I have to confront the fact that my reality means that I may never feel safe or hold a relationship that is healthy and supportive and long lasting. I have to deal with my shit, all my terrifying bullshit, and do it with people that I don’t trust or have faith in. 

I feel like I’ve learned so much and grown so much as a person. The highest complement I receive now is that I have an unrivaled passion for teaching. Everyone who sees me teach says that I love it, that they can feel how much I care about my students. I’ve regressed in so many ways and it feels so finite now. I can’t do the things I need to do or be the person I need to be. I don’t know how to fix all the things within myself and to be honest, I just want a break. Even my break now is filled with stress and shame because I’m so fucking behind on my work. 

I  just gotta make it through this week. 

My high wore off as I was writing this, lmk if you can tell. 

[codenamebooks]

Me Before You Book Review

(Me Before You series, Book #1) by Jojo Moyes

3/5 stars | CW: (attempted) suicide, sexual assault, pregnancy, cheating

Louisa Clark, an eccentric dressing twenty-seven year old who just lost her job. In the search of a new job, the only option left is a caregiver for a quadriplegic man named Will Traynor. Although she goes in expecting an old man, she meets the thirty-five year old who used to be a big businessman and an adventurer. Together, they find comfort in each other’s presence that they hadn’t had in a long time as Louisa sets out on a mission to get Will not to go through with assisted suicide.

I have to admit that this book was fun more often than irritating. I fell into a reading slump as soon as the new year began and I don’t know if the book caused it or not. Regardless, I still managed to smile and laugh during a good portion of the book that allowed me to give it three stars.

The only thing that I liked, and I liked it a lot, was Will and Louisa’s relationship most of the time. The banter caused by their opposing lifestyles is adorable if nothing else. They become so important to each other that I can’t imagine them separated, even if Louisa is in another relationship for 75% of the novel. It’s also an odd hate-to-love because it’s based on reliance and necessity. Will needs a caretaker, in this situation, a glorified babysitter, due to his disability and Louisa needs a job. The arc of the relationship is not exactly slow burn but it’s not insta-love either and that makes it reasonable and enjoyable.

I have to admit that I basically hate Louisa when she’s not with Will (and sometimes when she is). She was rude, selfish, and immature any chance she got. That doesn’t only go for her, it goes for every other character besides Will and Nathan. The first thing that made me uncomfortable is that Louisa is so offensive towards teen/“young” moms. Her sister, Treena, dropped out of college to have a baby and Louisa can’t seem to shut the fuck up about it. This tries to be justified since Louisa was compared to Treena all her life as the dumb one. I don’t care. Treena and her son are seen as a burden in Louisa’s eyes because Treena can’t work a high-paying job meaning she can’t help provide for the family. Louisa takes this out on Treena as if she isn’t also an able-adult who can work with no child or restrictions. She acts selfishly in many other situations. The worst one being her publicly embarrassing Will when she was at fault for not doing proper research after having a heart-to-heart with Will about people assuming what’s best for him. Her behavior was continuously childish and not a personality trait that I want to see from a 30 year old.

Everyone else is just the same. Every character is incredibly selfish and doesn’t think about the consequences of their actions or words. This goes for Will’s parents, Will’s sister, Treena, Louisa’s parents, Louisa’s boyfriend, and some of Will’s old friends and coworkers. It’s disgusting to see that, even if Will reversed his decision to give up his life and be a jolly ol’ fellow, they would probably still treat him or even each other that way. Yet half of them blame it on Will and the distress “he has caused them”. They are too grown to be acting this way.

As a formal announcement, not that anyone cares, I will not be continuing this series because of the characters. If I only cared about Will, why would I want to continue reading if he isn’t around? I don’t believe at all that this needs three more books, no matter what is in them. The epilogue could have been a bit longer to solidify the point of the whole book to see Louisa come out of her shell. She did. The fact that she was in Paris less than a month after Will’s death shows us that. That she’s listening to Will from the grave, shows us that growth.

If you enjoy dramatic adult romances, then this is the book for you. If you love hate-to-love romances, then this is the book for you. If you want witty banter, then you should really pick up this novel.

[dabistits]

To talk about Twice and villainy is to talk about class and criminality (I)

(Masterlist)

In contrast to the fantastical world that surrounds him, Bubaigawara Jin’s backstory, revealed in chapter 229, is completely unexceptional. Jin’s backstory is about class. Throughout this series, a sci fi fantasy where almost all the cast have superpowers, we are introduced to characters who’ve struggled with their Quirks, whether having one or not having one, whether having one that’s powerful or weak, whether they have Quirks that are stigmatized or not. Most of the series handles its sci fi prejudice in this way, by substituting real life characteristics like ethnicity (hero Ryukyu is of Ryukyuan ethnicity and from the colonized Ryukyu islands [source]), gender-based discrimination (including misogyny and transphobia), ability (Aoyama, Dabi, and other characters to a lesser degree have physical difficulties using their Quirks), and stigmatized physical traits (as several mutant characters mention being discriminated against) with Quirk conflicts. Ryukyu’s ethnicity, Rock Lock’s race, Magne’s transness, all the misogyny, and the real life disabilities of many characters who are missing limbs are given minimal or no attention, as these conflicts are replaced with Quirks-as-metaphor.

In this fantastical world, where we’ve supposedly left behind our prejudices about race and ethnicity, gender, disability, and so forth, and replaced them with prejudices about Quirks and Quirk compatibility, Horikoshi made the decision to make Jin’s backstory about class as we understand and live under it today. His backstory stands out as one that is utterly banal. Although Jin’s Quirk comes in later, it’s hardly the driving force of his struggle, because what he’s faced with is simply the unfeeling machinery of capitalism and the state apparatus. There’s no involvement from Quirks or Quirk society here; the world that starts Jin on his downward spiral is one that’s inextricable from our own, one that any of us (some more than others) are vulnerable to. That is to say, he didn’t become a criminal because he had an awesome Quirk that made him egotistical (or whatever people think criminals are motivated by), he became a criminal because his circumstances left him with few other ways to seek fulfillment, and possibly to survive. His Quirk was only a balm to the harm already inflicted on him by the economic realities of futuristic (and simultaneously contemporary) Japan.

A quick recap of Jin’s backstory from chapter 229: His parents, due to a villain attack, died when he was in an unspecified year in middle school (it seems ironic, and another example of BNHA’s cyclical events, that Jin himself eventually dies at the hands of a hero). At 16 years old, Jin was already working. He got into a traffic accident, although he was obeying the speed limit, and broke someone’s arm. His case was prosecuted and likely resulted in a record, but the officer in charge suggested that he may be able to “bounce back”; however, the person injured in the accident turned out to be one of his workplace’s clients, and the clients’ outrage resulted in his termination from his job. Eventually, isolated and lonely, Jin used his Quirk to become a villain, and it’s implied in the depicted panels that he mainly stole. An indeterminate amount of time after becoming a villain, Jin’s clones turned on one another, resulting in a bloodbath that traumatized Jin and resulted in split personalities. After this incident, he turned to Giran for help, who in turn introduced him to the League of Villains.

Systemic barriers

So why couldn’t Jin bounce back, as suggested by the officer? The reasons are many and diverse, not all of them stated in-text. I believe Jin’s specific circumstances merit some evidence from real-world Japan today, since there’s no statement nor implication that these things have changed in these respects, and because this is the frame of reference that Horikoshi and many of his readers are working with. In order to tap into the spirit of the work, it requires an examination of the circumstances and conditions under which the writers are creating, a recognition and acknowledgment of the social issues that may have shaped and influenced their outlooks. Thus, I think it’s important to contextualize Jin’s past not simply as a self-contained example of inequality in BNHA, but as a narrative that ties into the societal concerns of real-world Japan.

The alternative care system.

This describes the system of institutions and fostering that cares for children who are unable to live with their parents (whether it be due to circumstances like neglect and abuse, or because of the parents’ deaths). In 2014, nearly 90% of children in alternative care lived in residential facilities as opposed to with foster parents (which has its own issues); these rates are much higher than in other industrialized countries, which mostly rely on the foster care system. Residents of the residential facilities report strict rules, child abuse, and bullying. [source] Usually people age out at 18, or even earlier at 15 if they choose not to attend high school. Requests to extend alternative care until an individual reaches 20 are usually denied. [source]

The economic outlook for individuals aging out of alternative care is not optimistic. “Once individuals lose their access to staying in an institution, combined with low wages for menial entry-level jobs, many young people cannot stay on the same job that the institution helps them find when they leave institutional care. If they leave that first job, they struggle to find another[...] Those who start working straight after graduating from junior high school and are forced to leave their institutional care facility may be at a particularly high risk of becoming homeless.” [source]

What does this mean for Jin? Since his parents died when he was in middle school, it could have taken place any time between the ages of 12 to 15. Jin was already working at 16 years old, which according to our information means he dropped out of school and no longer has government-provided accommodations. Depending on when during that middle school time window his parents died, he could have possibly not even entered into the alternative care system at all, entailing that he started to work right after their passing. Either way, Jin most likely quit school and started to work to support himself at 15 years old, forgoing high school and college, taking responsibility for his own shelter, food, bills, clothing, and so on. At an age when the UA kids are just beginning the best times of their lives, making friends, staying in the school’s dormitories, Jin was literally trying to survive on his own.

Criminality. 

This is a bit harder to pin down, and there aren’t many English-language sources regarding criminal justice studies, and very little that thoroughly breaks down the process. For details that we might want to know about, such as arrests and convictions according to race, ethnicity, class, mental illness, etc., those are even more lacking (possibly also in part due to Japan’s low crime rate). I’ll do my best to sum up what I do have, and maybe someone can correct me on this. Anyways, starting from the basics:

The motorcycle accident that Jin was involved in, which injured another party, is a prosecutable crime punishable by up to seven years in prison or a fine of up to one million yen. [source] Just to cover all my bases, yes, at the time of the accident, Jin was indeed a minor under Japanese law (although within an age bracket where he theoretically could be assessed and/or tried as an adult), [source] [source] but we’re not sure if/to what degree that was taken into consideration. Either way, the outcome is that Jin likely ends up with a record, according to the officer (or possibly prosecutor) who’s speaking to him. From what I can make out, getting a record from a traffic accident with injury means he was charged and probably went through summary proceedings in the lowest court, [source] though I’m unsure how this whole process would work if his status as a juvenile was taken into account.

There are a few things to point out here:

Arrest and detention (which I’m assuming is the lead-up to that conversation with the officer) are notoriously lengthy and pretty rough. [source]

Prosecutors have significant discretion in what gets pushed through to see charges and what gets dropped. This is one of the reasons, possibly the main reason, for Japan’s 99% conviction rate—prosecutors usually only press charges in cases that can bring about conviction. They can even take into consideration someone’s age, character, circumstances, etc. when deciding whether to prosecute or not. [source]

During this process, when someone is hurt in an accident, there’s a pretty big deal made of apologizing and offering compensation to the harmed party. These actions are viewed favorably when it comes to case review and sentencing, while arguing over fault and general disagreeableness hurts the case. [source] [source]

(PS: The line “you’re to blame as well” makes sense in the Japanese legal system as a facet of comparative negligence.)

(PPS: Given the ongoing debates over juvenile justice—the likes of which inspired Battle Royale—I wonder if the rather harsh results of Jin’s first encounter with law enforcement are also meant to be read more deeply?) [source; cw for child murder in link]

At this point, we have the question of whether or not Jin’s possible record impacted his inability to “bounce back.” This was also pretty difficult to find information about, and the answer is... maybe. While criminal records are held by the police, and prospective employers cannot access them, this is usually sidestepped by asking applicants to provide information about their own criminal records on a CV template (whether or not people do, or can even legally lie about this, and whether or not they can choose not to answer without impacting their chances of getting hired is not information I was able to find). [source] A certain stigma towards convicted criminals does exist, despite the criminal justice system’s prioritization of reintegration over punishment, [source] though as for further information about whether a record impacts someone’s employability and quality of life doesn’t seem to have been studied. Real world Japan’s declining recidivism rate, though not declining as fast as first-time offenses, seems at least to suggest that even individuals with a record can successfully reintegrate into society, [source] hence the officer’s suggestion that Jin can “bounce back” is not totally bizarre, although it proves short-sighted.

These details illustrate the odds of what Jin is up against. They raise the question of why prosecution didn’t go differently, and they highlight the vulnerability of a parentless child up against the legal system. Jin, again, a 16-year-old (who also doesn’t appear to have legal counsel in the depicted panels), obviously argues his responsibility in the accident; furthermore, he’s unlikely to be able to fulfill the social graces required of a lenient case review. As a teenager who’s already working to support himself, without any family to lend a hand, he likely wouldn’t have been able to muster up the finances for compensation, medical expenses, property damage, etc. at a moment’s notice, and even in installments the payment probably would’ve been a strain. For example, the possible fine of one million yen is half the annual income of Japanese households which fell below the de-facto poverty line in 2008. [source] It seems plausible that his inability to see through the proper courtesies resulted in an unfavorable assessment, and a prosecution carried through to the end. We don’t know for sure how he was sentenced—judging by his return to work, it’s likely he didn’t do jail time—but even assuming a lenient sentence, this accident quickly catches up to him. With no one to fall back on, and no one to cut him some slack, a stumble quickly becomes a fall.

Employer-employee relations.

The relationship between an employer and employee is one rooted in a power dynamic, where one side controls the time, the wages, and often the health of the other. A job and its benefits are usually the deciding factors of someone’s quality of life, so employees will work overtime, work while ill, and suffer any number of abuses to keep their jobs. Overwork, and the resulting health problems from overwork are enough of a crisis in Japan they’ve been named karoshi—death from overwork. The effects range from general, stress-caused health problems, to heart failure and suicide; what gives rise to these conditions are a complex mix of work culture, company culture, and common hiring practices. Essentially, workers are encouraged to present a loyal face to their company, and because of the structure of the job market, changing jobs isn’t easy. [source] [source] These facets of work culture also contribute to power harassment, an issue that has received growing visibility in the past decade. In 2019, 37.5% of surveyed workers reported suffering power harassment, often from bosses, including receiving excessive demands, degrading treatment, invasions of privacy, and sometimes physical abuse. [source] [source] 

This drastically imbalanced relationship only receives a few panels in Jin’s backstory, but that’s all it takes to make the power dynamic clear. Within three panels, Jin’s boss assaults him, berates him, and takes away what he knows is the only source of income for a working-class 16-year-old with no family. An accident that happened is equated to an act of disloyalty because the wrong person was injured, which reflected poorly on the company Jin was working for; however, a double-standard exists. While Jin’s loyalty to the company is expected, there’s no reciprocal expectation for the company to care for the wellbeing of its own workers, instead prioritizing its image and its bottom-line. Employees can be fired at their boss’s whim, leaving the terminated party without an income nor benefits, looking at breaking into a job market that is intolerant of repeat job-seekers—even more so if the individual is someone without a lengthy employment history and without a higher education. This short interaction highlights the precarity of financial stability, where a termination from one job on one man’s authority can leave someone—even a kid—without any way of coming back and achieving a steady living.

[mattskeebah]

PLEASE READ

I know how much y’all hate “your fave is problematic” posts...but it’s necessary.

Summary: Matt Skiba, singer of the band Alkaline Trio and member of Blink-182, has nazi tattoos, is a fan of nazi bands, made tasteless nazi related paintings, is best friends with Boyd Rice, and in fact, owns nazi insignia. Matt claims to be a feminist but likes countless scantily clad pics of young models and sex workers and follows actual porn actresses on IG. Also, he never distanced himself from Asia Argento and still sells t-shirts with her face on them in his webstore. Matt supports the police and the military and he has a weird gun fetish. He attacked fans who criticized his behavior and his problematic associations.

---

WHY I STOPPED BEING A FAN OF MATT SKIBA

He supports the police as an instutition, specifically Chicago PD. He made a post on Instagram in favor of CPD which ofc received backlash from fans but he ignored the negative comments and brushed it off as “there are bad people in every profession” and then he deleted the post. Thanks to a Tumblr user who screencapped it: [x] please notice the tiny blue (lives matters) heart. Also, here are some “cute” pics of him wearing police-related stuff [x] [x] and check out this post of him “repping” new CPD merch on his car [x] (he disabled the comments).

He supports the military, which might be because his parents served in the Vietnam war, but that doesn’t make it less shitty. Examples for his military-support can be found all over his Instagram. [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] and so on... and in this post he’s delighted that a soldier in Afghanistan is wearing an Alkaline Trio patch. [x]

He’s close friends with Asia Argento / or had possible romantic relationship with her and he still sells t-shirts with her face on them in his merch shop. For those of you who don’t know her, she was one of the leaders of the #metoo movement but then it was revealed that she herself had sex with an intoxicated 17-year-old (!) and her bf Anthony Bourdain gave the boy money so he would keep his mouth shut about the incident, ((later Bourdain committed suicide))

Story of a fan who gave Matt a letter criticizing him for being friends with Argento, and the same night he posted a picture of her on IG (I think it was this post)… which seems like a subtle F*CK YOU at the person who gave him the letter. (he can’t take criticism, can he?)

His IG activity is .. something else. Matt’s major interests are motorbikes, cars, and young, attractive, half-naked models and strippers. One of his recent likes (nudity and bruises cw) [x] [x] [x] [x]….that one is an actual porn actress he follows and thirsts over: (more nudity cw) [x] he commented ‘cool butt momma. miss you xoxo’ [x] [x] (liked)…and my “personal fave” a picture with a sex worker [x] he deleted the picture ofc

HE LOVES GUNS (+said that he would use them) he has quite a big gun collection: SIG SAUERs, a Morning Star, many knifes, a shotgun, a Desert Eagle gun, a samurai sword, a faux snakeskin baton, and more stuff I can’t remember, he posted his collection on November 5th 2018 on IG, but unfortunately I didn’t take a screenshot!! but he posted them individually on IG. [x] [x] [x] [x] etc. and a recently deleted pic at the shooting range [x] ……also this pic exists.. edgelord (tw gun to the head).

In the comments of the same post (I swear on my life it’s real, you have to trust me) a user commented that he’s a Trump supporter but he would still defend Matt, even if he’s “politically left”. Matt’s answer: “I would defend you too, my man!”. o k a y. then Matt said he identifies as “quite a bit left” o K AY. MATT. Just so btw. the user also had a name including “88″ ( is a code phrase commonly used in fascist circles for “Heil Hitler”) or he just meant the year 88. but I saw some racist “memes” on his IG too.

Matt has a weird obsession with WW2. He literally watched a holocaust docu on HIS FUCKING BDAY (or at least he posted about it) and he said he collects WW2 books. Theoretically, nothing wrong with being interested in history, but in the context of everything… bad vibes……….

He really loves Nordic/Scandinavian-related stuff, like jewelry of the Hammer of Thor etc and he even uses MS runes for his merch. Runes are popular among occultists but they also have a really problematic history concerning WW2 and the nazis. Considering one of his most favorite bands Death in June mentions runes in their lyrics and they are a REALLY REALLY questionable band flirting with nazi imagery and being openly affiliated with fascist and far-right satanists, I have every right to question Matt’s intentions.

He literally has a crutch cross tattoo on his chest (which was used as the symbol of Austro-Fascism, and is also the logo of the neo folk - nazi band Blood Axis) PHOTO 1, PHOTO 2 and an EDELWEISS tattoo [x], which is the national flower of Austria and is considered a magical flower in occult circles. Nothing wrong with having a flower tattoo but it was used a lot in the context of nationalsocialism and “traditional values”. To add, it was also used as a symbol of the 1st Mountain division “Gebirgsjäger” in WW2 (Hitler’s elite formation of the Wehrmacht who were involved in large scale war crimes). 

Matt OWNS NAZI INSIGNIA. He is wearing a WW2 Edelweiss patch in this pic [x] and here [x] combined with a crutch cross patch (Alk3 used an iron cross backdrop at their concerts 2014ish and a crutch cross symbol on their guitar picks btw.)

He owns several Death In June patches, their merch [x] [x] [x] [x] etc. and other patches and buttons featuring nazi-related symbols. [DIJ WIKI]. He is also friends with their singer. Matt’s a huge DIJ fan, attended their concerts [x] and Douglas P. reads the intro of the Alkaline Trio song “I Found Away”. DIJ uses fascist symbols and “aesthetics” for the band, including an SS Totenkopf logo.

Matt painted the same logo and exhibited it at an art show [x]

HE LITERALLY DID PAINTINGS REFERENCING DOLLFUSS AND MUSSOLINI and another piece of “art” called “surf nazis” [x] what the actual f   u    c  k .. and here he is with his painting of Mickey Mouse as Hitler [x]

HE IS BEST FRIENDS with Boyd Rice, (here’s a picture of them holding Wolfsangels, a nazi symbol) they are REALLY CLOSE. According to Rice’s IG they meet every week and hang out and Rice considers Matt “family”… the entire Boyd Rice shit can be read in this post (important please read). Matt even attacked fans that were calling him out and called them stupid.

The first liked video on his Youtube channel is a video about neo-nazi biker gangs in Germany....... [x]

He is friends with Kat von D, she did a few of his tattoos and she appeared in the Alk3 video “Help Me”.

He collabed with Jeffree Star on a violent song [x]

He was at an art show of a friend who used nazi symbols (!)

posts like these [x] [x]

In this interview [x] he’s pretty much romanticizing that people got stabbed back then at concerts and that there was a big skinhead scene (he wasn’t “stoked” about the violence happening BUT “the energy surrounding” was “very ATTRACTIVE” to him. Make of that what you will.)

When he was a sophomore in HS (and on acid) he beat up a classmate who threw a U.S. flag on the floor. [x]

Matt made a racist remark a few years ago about Chinese people [x] and according to him //or he’s joking// he has a tattoo on his dick that says “welcome to Jamaica” which can be interpreted as racist.

Many of the movies he praises blatantly depict violence against women, like Blue Velvet, Funny Games, A Clockwork Orange (it has almost 3 rape scenes in the first 15 minutes), lyrics like “Radio” can be seen as misogynist, he literally wishes that his ex-GF (/or someone’s ex-gf) should take a bath with a radio and get electrocuted.

A person on IG commented that his ex-girlfriend accused him of domestic violence, I have no proof for that but he deleted the comments ofc and then a few days later he donated money to a women’s shelter in LA… which seems like he’s trying to avoid a shitstorm…

He compared L.A. women to zoo animals in this interview [x].

He cheated on his ex-gf(s) which I think should go on this list too.

Matt used to be a member of the Church of Satan, just leaving this here. you can argue if it’s good or bad but there seems to be a connection between satanists and neo-nazis .. sadly.

He listed the song* “Los Angeles” by X among his faves in this interview [x] (*edit: Someone has reached out to me and explained that the song was not racist, antisemitic or anything but from the *perspective* of a racist. However, we don't know Matt's reason for liking the song and considering his WW2 fetish, it's sketchy that he would consider the song as one of his favorites. Maybe he likes it because the song openly says things out loud under the veil of "sarcasm" that would be criticized under different circumstances. See also: [Oscar Wild was right.] Matt still listened to the band in 2014 and was at a concert of them [x], even months after their singer spew right-wing conspiracy theories concerning (school) shootings.

THIS FUCKING PICTURE OF HIM WITH A CHARLES MANSON DOLL AND A SW*STIKA. He still had the doll in other pictures [x] [x].

This picture I found on a fansite. It’s supposed to be Matt as a child.. where does that even come from and why is he wearing a military hat with something that vaguely looks like an eagle (?)

I can’t be the only one who noticed that but Matt had a vaguely ~nazi haircut thoughout the years and even some sort of nazi / white power aesthetic~ going on, even fans recognized it as such [x] [x] [x] and in the context of him hanging out with Boyd Rice like this in this picture [x] it’s safe to say he was EXACTLY GOING FOR THAT LOOK.

When he was in Germany during the Blink-182 tour 2017 he proudly posed at a famous Third Reich location in the Alps. Yk. nothing wrong with visiting historical locations but in the context of everything mentioned in this post. IT LOOKS REALLY BAD.

…probably more.. this man is a walking disaster

- - -

In this post I listed a lot, there are probably some things you would consider “minor” because they happened years ago but I thought I’d mention them anyway. Also, I’m not saying he has those beliefs but he definitely doesn’t distance himself from nazi(-sympathizing) scum like Boyd Rice and keeps being BFFs with him. And what’s up with the problematic tattoos and WWII insignia? I can’t be the only one who thinks this is not okay!!!

Thanks for reading.