#cuz these keep happening (typically) AFTER HOURS)

[bugs1nmybrain]

sleeping beauty - L Lawliet x Fem!Reader Voyeur + Somnophilia Smut 🩵💤

Writer's Notes: Well. Yea

Word Count: 2839

18+ Minors Do Not Interact!

Warnings: Cringe title cuz I couldn't think of anything more clever, smut, female reader (she/her pronouns), voyeurism, masturbation (L), somnophilia, dub-con, dom L, ooc L?, L uses "my love" and "darling" and "lovely" (new one!) as pet names, unreciprocated kissing, PRAISE, established relationship, unprotected sex, not proofread yet

Dub-con explanation to avoid triggering: L watches reader sleep on surveillance cameras and jacks off to her, L touches and penetrates the reader in her sleep/while she is sleepy. She's not scared or feels violated, she knows it's L and wants him, but the lack of alertness and being drowsy makes the consent dubious.

L was bored.

There really wasn't much happening in his current case, at least not at the present moment. There were many things to do but with it being sleeping hours for the countries he was in contact with, getting any of his plans into fruition was going to have to wait until the morning. After all, it was 2 a.m. The only thing L could do was research. He had been keeping his alerts on all night, impending a new lead, but nothing turned up yet. He had been waiting for several hours. Still nothing.

So he sat at his monitors with a blueberry yogurt. He played with his food, swishing the spoon in and out of the yogurt for many seconds before finally taking a bite. He was getting tired of this boredom; it was killing him.

With nothing better to do, he figured it would be a good idea to check on you. He flicked around his computer screen and opened the tab to the camera in your room. You were often invited to L's room when you wanted, even if he didn't join you for bed. You chose your room tonight though.

When L saw your sleeping form, a strange calmness washed over him. What was it that caused this reaction he pondered? Was it as simple as that he loved you? Or maybe it was knowing that you were safe and secure under his supervision. You were lying there with only a snug tank top and panties, a poor excuse for pajamas L thought. It was easy to see how the shirt hugged your breasts and tummy even from the distance the camera was from you. And your panties were cute, frilly white and pink. The ones he bought for you.

He watched as you snuggled your pillow tight. You seemed lonely. Did you miss him? The thought of you craving his embrace and presence caused a peak of possessiveness in L. Or was it arousal? It was likely both, but L was more so distracted by the way you nuzzled your face in the pillow and grinded your groin on it, with your thighs wrapping around it. Oh, how cute you were.

You looked gorgeous. You always did, but you looked especially alluring tonight. So peaceful. He was grateful that he had more than one camera installed because he could see your drifting form from many angles like this.

L sat there and ate his yogurt while he watched you shamelessly. Your continued grinding and snuggling into the pillow was endearing, but then you let out that noise. Yes, he had wiretaps in there as well. You knew about the cameras and bugs; it was an agreed-upon condition.

L turned the volume down quicker than the speed of lightning to avoid anyone in the other rooms hearing his speakers, and just as quickly grabbed his headphones so that he could hear you much more clearly. Now he had full access to your voice. He was disappointed, though, because you weren't making any more sounds.

You turned to lay on your back, which was odd. L knew you didn't typically sleep that way, but he chalked it up to random occurrence. Though, the way your tits were shaping out into your tank top made him almost want to believe that you were doing this on purpose. Your shirt was raised over your stomach from ruffling around, showing the lower area of your stomach.

Uh-oh

L's attention averted only a little when he realized that his pants were becoming a bit tighter in the crotch. He looked down for a second to see his bulge in his pants. Instinctively, his thumb met his lip, but his gaze went back on you. You were now turned on your side, your round ass facing the camera. Fuck.

Without much thinking about it, L began to unbutton his pants. His cock wasn't fully erect yet, but it was starting to pulse, and was begging for some external stimulation. He pulled his slender, pale dick out from his underwear and stroked the entire length as he watched you in your slumber.

Yes! The noises came back. You whined and mewled in your sleep, hips squirming. L had a good hunch you were having a rather impure dream, which worked well for him. Your sounds were so beautiful. You were being so good for him.

His cock quickly grew to its full length as he stroked it in a timely rhythm. He played with himself as he watched you return to cuddling the pillow, and paid attention to your ass and crotch riving against it. Fuck.

It wasn't enough. You looked beautiful and he loved it. He loved you and seeing you like this. However, simply watching you toss and turn wasn't going to satisfy him. He needed to see you in person, to touch you, to fuck you.

L tucked his cock back in his jeans, though it still created a bulge from his erection. Why did you have to be many flights up the stairs? So inconvenient for him right now. He stood up, hunched as always, and made his way to the elevator. He waited impatiently as the elevator transported him up to your floor, yet when it reached it, he took his time walking toward your door.

L slowly turned the doorknob, making as little noise as humanly possible. When he shut the door, he turned his face to look at you. The sight of you made his heart leap in spike and his cock ache in agony. He stepped very slowly toward your bed, raising his head to see the entirety of your body. The curve between your waist and your hips was lovely and your skin looked glowing under the light of the moon from the window. He wanted to touch you instantly, but he held out for a moment.

He decided to just watch for a moment, but you weren't as antsy as you were before. Perhaps your dirty dream had been over by now. Just seeing you sleep, though, was enough to provide L with all the love hormones he needed. The rise and fall of your peaceful breath was soothing, and you even produced little sleepy sounds that didn't exactly snore, but they were cute regardless.

It was time to take action, he reasoned. L quietly made his way to prop himself beside you on the bed, and began running his delicate hands along your waist.

"Hmm.."

Your response made his cock twitch violently. Just from brief contact, you reacted beautifully to him. He raised his hand to stroke your messy hair out of your face. Your sleeping face was so adorable.

Impulse struck L and he acted on instinct. His face descended down to yours. He planted a very gentle kiss on your lips, relishing in their soft texture. Of course, you didn't kiss him back. Your lips curved into a lovely smile, but your eyes didn't open. Interesting, L thought. You have been exerting yourself in your responsibilities lately, so you were absolutely dozed off.

L made a bold move and gently moved your form from its side position to lie on your back. Your body instinctively tried to snuggle back into the fetal position, but L took your hands in his, circling your palm with his thumb. As he lied your hands down at your side, he trailed his hands up your thighs, relishing in their softness.

He knew that maybe this wasn't morally correct. You were asleep. But you responded so invitingly to his touch. You were so pretty like this. L lightly grazed his fingers along your panties and felt a dampness. He knew it! You must've been having a wet dream and were aroused yourself, though unconscious.

L stopped for a moment, calculating his next step. He didn't want to exactly fuck you while you had no knowledge of it. ..Or? Well, in more specific terms, he didn't want to hurt you, quite the contrary. Maybe it would make your dreams more pleasant. Would it make you sleep better? He didn't want to scare you though, and somnophilia wasn't something you two had really talked about before.

Conceding from his moral inhibitions, L trailed his fingers up your arms, hooking them around your spaghetti straps. He paused for a moment to observe your breathing, still heavy from sleeping. He begins to drag the straps down your arms, taking your top along with them. When the skin-tight fabric was removed from your breasts, L insisted that he could feel his heart pumping through his cock. You were always so pretty, so gorgeous, and all for him.

Your tits were so pretty and your nipples seemed flushed. Was it from your arousal?, L pondered. He slowly latched his lips on one of your nipples, tending to it gently before releasing and going to the other. Your body reacts to the stimulation and your hips drive forward while you give out a pleasured moan. L moves his head back quickly, startled by your reaction.

However, instead of being scared out of his next move, L recognizes that perhaps he could make you feel just as safe and cared about even while you were asleep like this. You shouldn't have to fear him, right? L takes the risk and begins trailing kisses along your chest and up your neck. He actually hoped it would wake you up, even for just a moment, so he could get some clearance from you. As if he hadn't already been kissing you unconsciously, undressing you, and sucking your tits.

With a heavy breath and a groan, you begin stretching your arms upwards. Your eyes open only slightly, and you're hit with confusion at first. Your vision was very blurry, and you could only make out blobs of color and shape. After halfway registering the texture of the lips that were kissing you and how their hair felt against your skin, your tension eased. You could tell it was only your lover by the way he was touching and kissing you; gentle, meticulous, and romantic.

"Mmmrr.." is all you could manage to say. You were very tired and groggy and could feel yourself already falling back to sleep. "..L?"

"What is it, my love?"

"I'm wet."

"I already know that. Do you need me to help you?"

"I'm.." you begin drifting but fight it. "I'm very..tired...but I..."

"Shhh...I know, lovely. I'll take care of you, alright? You just relax and look pretty for me, hm?"

You giggle sleepily and relax your head back as L continued to kiss your neck, "Mm..ye..yes..please.."

"Mm..of course, darling..."

L kissed your cheek tenderly, and then to your lips. You did what you could to kiss back, though it was very sloppy because of your drowsiness. You felt your pussy grow wetter as L stroked the side of your face while he kissed you, but soon his hand moved away from your face and down to a more intimate area.

Slowly, he removed your panties from your body. His brows (that weren't there) furrowed in arousal when he witnessed the slick fluid that strung out from the panties as he took them off your pussy. So wet already, and if that wasn't enough for him to tell, the clear, slick substance that glowed on your panties definitely was. "Silly girl, you're not supposed to sleep with underwear on", he thought.

L's fingers met your pussy, stroking up from your labia up to your achingly sensitive clitoris. Your juices were already coating his fingers. L firmly began to rub two pads of his fingers on your clitoris, wasting no time to circle around in perfect motion. Your body was already completely submitting to his touch. Your hips bucked against his hand, and thank god L knew how to adapt to your sudden movements because he kept fingering your clitoris as you squirmed for him. It felt so incredible with your body feeling intoxicated by all those feel-good emotions he was producing from you. As great as his fingers felt physically, the knowledge of his care and love for you without expecting anything in return made you infinitely more aroused.

Your clit was starting to feel the rolling sensation you were familiar with. "Already?" L snickered in his head. He couldn't feel what you were, but he noticed how your pussy was contracting and moving on his fingers. He knew these movements of the onset of your submission to pleasure.

"There we go..."

"Mmm!" The feeling was almost unbearable. Somehow being halfway asleep made this pleasure better. Perhaps it was the lack of autonomy over yourself in this moment? L kept rolling his fingers along your clit and you felt your orgasm on the verge of exploding.

"A-a-ah!"

"That's it. Don't hold back.." L cooed at you for comfort, though you weren't registering anything he said; they only sounded muffled.

Your clitoris erupts in pleasure and you begin thrusting your hips as your orgasm overtook you. L made sure to stimulate your clitoris for every moment of your orgasm, and you made the prettiest noises for him while he did so.

"Awhhhh~ hmm.."

"You're doing so well for me, lovely. Could I maybe feel how wet and warm you are for me? Would that be ok?"

"So wordy", you thought in your drowsy mind. You hummed in approval for him, much to his delight. L had been wanting to feel you for so long, but he had to make sure you were taken care of, too. Besides, you feel the best when you're properly ready for him.

L took off his pants and underwear, both attached as he did so. His cock was painfully hard and he winced when his fingers grazed it. He himself wasn't immune to overwhelming sensitivity. He adjusted into a position where he could see you as you moved to his thrusts, though it was still very much a branch of missionary.

He pulled your thighs closer and lifted your legs to wrap around him. He placed the tip of his cock before your vagina without inserting it and already felt the heat of your pussy at the touch. Finally, he pushed his cock inside of you, already sighing from only halfway in. L slowly began penetrating you in and out, rolling his hips to meet your G-spot inside.

((fun fact: the g-spot isn't an individual gland or part of the anatomy, it's actually an extension of the clitoris! I'm using the term "g-spot" for easier comprehension because I'm not teaching a sex education class; this is smut))

His long cock rubbed your sensitive sleeve so perfectly, and you somehow produce even sexier sounds than you did when he was focusing on you alone.

"Aawhh~"

"Mmm...you feel so incredible.."

His thrusts were deep and gentle. Not slow, per se, but calculated. It was as if he was trying to savor your pussy, which was true. His penis made slick sounds when it would enter and exited your wet, slobbery cunt. His dick and hands were the only sensations you could process right now, and they felt so good.

"Ah..L.."

"You're doing so good, baby."

L couldn't help his male instincts as his cock grew hungrier by the visual sensations in front of him. The way your lips parted slightly and how your tits would move to his thrusts made him leak. His thrusts become more eager and less restrained, desperate.

"Ah...you're such a pretty girl..so perfect..."

You whined adorably, making him begin to feel his own orgasm approaching. He holds your waist firmly to be able to control his thrusts better, pumping you full as you squealed for him.

"F-*sigh*-fuck. Y/N...I'm so close.."

His hips bucked against you as his eyes rolled back in pleasure. His cock throbbed inside of you for a few split seconds as he finally came inside of you, his own body losing its rigidity as he slumped forward. He rested his forehead on yours, panting with you in unison. You looked like you were on the verge of passing out. He almost felt bad, but he could tell by your pleasant face and relaxation that you enjoyed him making love to you, even if you weren't properly engaged for it.

He pulled out of you, needing to shake the extra seminal residue off of himself before he rested next to you. Messes like this typically bother L's need for cleanliness, but you were exhausted and he was sort of as well. So instead he wrapped his arms around you from behind and pulled you in to snuggle him. He hadn't slept for many days, he thought that maybe he could afford some slumber with you. He slept the soundest when you were with him, after all.

But as he started drifting off, he contemplated how the situation before would have been if the roles were reversed...

Requested tag: @graceful-disaster

[sapchat]

We Are Not Our Fathers

Azriel x Reader

Summary: You get summoned to your mate and Cassian whilst they are on a mission, only to find out there was a surprise at the end of it.

Warnings: mentions of a fight, children, and an argument between two lovers.

Words: 5k

Part 1: You are here! Part 2

Fun fact: this is technically my third fanfic now, cuz I’ve got a part one for something else and I’m writing part two, I just got this idea yesterday while listening to this playlist and was like “I need angst, azriel, his mate and a child.”

Azriel and Cassian had been at one of the Illyrian camps investigating rumors of… something. You hadn’t been paying attention when your mate told you why, he’d been getting dressed while telling. So, you could see the distraction at the time. It had been at least two hours since your mate had left and you got summoned down the bond, and a shadow seemed to tug at your hand.

So, following the bond you appeared in a typical Illyrian Steppes living room, with Azriel at the top of the steps.

“Hey, we uh, need you up here. We thought we were done but Cass found someone.” Azriel said meeting me at the bottom of the steps and grabbing a hand, rubbing his fingers on my wrist. He picked the habit up a few years into our bond, he says it keeps him grounded, especially after or during missions like these. Nodding my head, I followed the narrow steps behind him to see Cassian standing in the doorway of one of the rooms, there was a smidge of blood on the side of a wall, so I wasn’t sure what I was going to walk in on.

A little winged child was not what I was expecting. Cassian looked at me sheepishly then nodded to the side so the three of us could talk.

“So, I’m going to assume we didn’t know there was a child here?” I asked leaning against the wall.

“From what we could tell there were no reports of a child when we first started getting reports of the retaliation happening. My shadows also didn’t pick up on a child when we got here, so either he was just hiding really well because of the guests in the house, or he snuck in.” Azriel responded.

“Any idea how much he heard? Or what does his parental situation look like?” I asked, I needed to know how bad this situation could be. Especially if this child doesn’t have a family because of its father’s or mother’s choices.

“For the most part, some of them went easy. Only three of ‘em put up any real fight, hence some of the blood there by your head,” Cassian started.

“Ew, thanks for telling me that one.” I’ll just shuffle to the side.

“As for a possible guardian, he hasn’t answered any questions. He did call me a bastard though, so I guess he has listened to something while around them.” Cassian finished. He seemed almost more stressed than I. I assume because he’s become quite partial to being babysitter for Nyx in the last few months for Feyre and Rhysand to be able to go out.

“What do you think, he’s probably what four, maybe five. You have more experience in working with kids, and with Madja, what do you think his outcome is with what he’s been dealt.” Azriel asked, dragging a scarred hand down his face.

“All children are different. One could experience something awful like the death of a parent and not remember anything about it. Others could never recover from it and grow up acting out the rest of their lives. It’s just a matter of how they get help. And knowing this camp, they probably won’t get much mental help at all. You two should know that” It’s not what they wanted to hear I imagine, but it was the truth. “So, what’s the plan? I assume if you have summoned me here you want me to go talk to him?”

“Yea actually, that’s exactly what so thanks for offering that so we don’t have to ask.” Cassian states rubbing the back of his head. Little shit.

Sighing, I turn my eyes to my mates, who just shrugged. I’ve been left here with the two most awkward people when it comes to random kids. Such a surprise came from the man-child Cassian himself. I roll my eyes, but send something to calm down the bond, and turn to go into the room.

The child is on the smaller side, evidence of the winter that’s still in the mountains so it’s evident his family doesn’t have much money for food. He’s got some dirt on his clothes so he’s either been out playing today or he just doesn’t have many clothing options. His wings were on the smaller side for what we assume his age group is, so he either is just going to have slightly smaller wings, or he’s developmentally delayed for his possible age. Probably due to the lack of food and hygiene.

I step slowly into the room, trying to make my slightly tall frame smaller. “Hi there. What’s your name?”

The little boy looked at me with wide hazel eyes, a twinkle in it that I couldn’t tell meant he was scared or intrigued by my presence. “Hawthorne.”

“Hawthorne huh?” You ask, then tell him your name, “Are you okay Hawthorne?” I ask him, he sits up just a little taller, a twitch in his bat-like wing following after.

He nodded his head in response, and I nodded back in understanding. “I was wondering who you were here with buddy? It’s okay if I call you buddy, right?”

“I was with my daddy. and I don’t know if you can call me buddy. Daddy’s usually the only one that does. Daddy said it’s cause we’re friends, but I don’t know you.” He answers sheepishly looking around my body towards the end, telling me I have a shadow, likely two of them.

“Well, if I tell you something about me, and then you tell me something, then we would be friends, wouldn’t we?” He hesitates, thinking about the question then nods his head quickly.

“Okay, well you know my name already,” I say then move to sit on the corner of the bed and make it seem like I’m thinking about my fact, “One of my favorite things ever, is getting to go and watch the sunrise or sunset as it comes up or down, and it shine on the soft snow. It’s really pretty.” I say, his head perks up a little at what I tell him.

“I like that too! I also like it when it storms, 'cause that means I don’t have to go out and I get to stay inside with my daddy.” He says. I smile at his enthusiasm of getting to share something we both like.

“I’ll tell you another secret then.” His eyes get really wide, and I feel a questioning brush through the bond. “I also like it when it storms. Because that means I get to stay inside with my friends.”

“Are they your friends?” Hawthorne asks looking at Cassian and Azriel behind me.

“Yeah, those are my really good friends, Cassian and Azriel. They… came to talk to the people that were downstairs. Did you know them?” I ask, glancing at the two males behind me, who are trying to seem small, but with the size of Cassian and Azriel’s wings. They’re failing.

“It was my daddy and their friends. I heard lots of yelling. And that they called your friends bastards. So, I did when they came up here. Where is my daddy?” I looked at Azriel for an answer, he looked down and then at Hawthorne.

“We took your father somewhere so we could talk with them. Do you have a mother we could take you to? Or anyone else.” Azriel answered the child.

Hawthorne shook his head no, “Daddy says mommy died when I was little, even smaller than now. And daddy says I’m the only thing he has left. But I think that’s silly 'cause we have neighbors!”

I sigh and look at my mate and Cassian, I then look back to the hallway and back to the child, “Hawthorn I’m going to go talk with my friends really quick, are you okay here?” The boy nods his head and watches as the three of us leave the room.

It’s now my turn to rub my hands down my face. “What do we do with him? I assume mom either died in childbirth or from sickness. And now we’ve got dad where he’s going to probably be punished for what they’ve been planning.”

Cassian almost winces at the last part, “His father was one of the people to put up a fight. We’ve got him in Hewn City right now, one of the others said he’s the ring leader for wanting to try and get rid of Rhys, and ‘go back to the old ways.’”

“Gotta love males and their ever-needing reason to be on top,” Azriel said laying back against the wall across from me, one of his feet resting between my ankles.

“We asked Rhys what he thought. He thinks it should be up to you.” Cassian said.

I processed the question for a second. Thinking about the options that are available. If Hawthorne stays, he’ll be homeless, wandering the streets like Cassian did; and based on how he looks already, he probably wouldn’t last long. Or taking him with us. To Velaris and trying to find him a place there. He could stay in the House of Wind until we find somewhere or someone.

I look at Azriel and he nods, knowing what I’m going to decide. If I had it my way, there would be no children wandering the roads here in the camps. But the orphanage idea has been slow, Devlon the only one wanting to even entertain the idea.

“Take him with us. He’ll be better off in Velaris, and until we can find somewhere permanent, he can stay in the House with us all.” I say, Cassian nods knowing I’m making the decision based on what he’s told me of his past before Rhys and his mother.

“Looks like you’ll get a friend Cassian, I’ll be sure to set up playdates.” Azriel says pushing off the way and patting his brother on the back.

Cassian had a shocked look on his face, eyes following Azriel as he followed me back into the room Hawthorne was patiently waiting in.

“Hey, Hawthorne? How about you come with me and my friends for a little bit, until we can see if your father gets into trouble, okay?” I asked going in and sitting on his bed, angling my body to be eye level with the winged boy. He seemed to sit and think about it for a second, then spared Azriel a questioning look before looking back at me.

“Will I still get to do my training?”

My eyes widen just a tad. Training at five? I look over my shoulder to Cassian and Azriel in question.

“Yeah me, and Cassian can help with that. We’re both really going at flying so we can help you learn some.” Azriel told the child, putting a lot of emphasis on them being so good at flying. This seemed to make the boy happy.

“Okay then. I guess I’ll come with you. But I get to bring my toys!”

“We wouldn’t expect you to leave them behind buddy. Now where are your clothes?” I said standing from the bed and ruffling my fingers through his dark brown almost black hair.

Hawthorne jumped from the bed, his little wings flapping as he did, and ran to the dresser in the corner of the room. He pulled open a drawer almost at eye level and grabbed what little clothes sat in there. “Here they are!” He ran back over and handed them to me. He only had two shirts and another pair of pants, plus only a few pairs of undergarments.

I looked in the direction of my mate and he nodded at what I was thinking. We’ll have to get him some more clothes. I held my hand out and Azriel summoned a bag from the shadows and handed it to me. I usually use it for the farmers market, but I’ll just get a new one.

“Okay, bubs, come here and I’ll hold you while Azriel takes us back to the house.” The boy hopped over with a questioning look on his face.

“He’s going to fly both of us to your house?”

“Nope! He’s going to do something called winnow, which means,” I sat for a second thinking how to explain this to a child, “he’ll grab my and Cassian's hand, and then we’ll disappear and then reappear in the house!” Yeah, that was a great explanation.

Hawthorne seemed to question it for a second, then came over and all but crawled up into my arms. I moved the bag to my shoulder and then joined Azriel and Cassian. The three of us all looked at each other as if questioning what I’d decided.

And into the shadows we went, only for Azriel to then grab onto me tighter to glide us down to the balcony of the House of Wind. Hawthorne gripped my neck tighter looking around at all he could see of Velaris. And I knew I had made a good decision for the boy.

Feet touching the ground Hawthorne all but leaped from my arms to run and look over the balcony, pulling himself up by using his feet on the spindles to gain leverage to look out. Mouth opening by the second, I leaned back against Az watching the boy. He’s never seen so many people at once living in such a beautiful place.

“Hawthorne, wanna go get a quick snack before we get you cleaned up in a tub?” I asked leaving my mates front to join the boy at the railing. He looked up at me with wide eyes before looking back out towards the Sidra. “It’ll all still be here when we’re done. And if you’re not tired then you can even see it once the sun goes down. It looks even better.” He turned back with a slightly toothless grin and nodded enthusiastically, jumping from the side, and gripping my hand swinging from it.

Walking into the sitting room I walked the boy towards the kitchen. Already sitting on the counter was a little dinner for the boy, the House instantly knowing what was needed of it. I helped him up onto a stool he quickly dug into his dinner.

“Easy now, don’t want to eat too fast and make yourself sick,” I advised brushing a finger across his back. I walked around the counter and grabbed a small cup and filled it with water so he could drink as well.

Once he was done eating, he quickly gulped down the water and brushed his mouth on his hand, then proceeded to wipe the hand on his shirt. Boys. I grabbed him before he had a chance to run off and walked him up to mine and Azriel’s bathing room where Az sat pouring a few drops of bubbles into the bath.

I set Hawthorne down on the ground and allowed him to undress so he could climb in the bath and gave my mate a quick peck on the cheek in thanks. Admiration flowed down his side of the bond as I leaned over and started wetting Hawthorne’s hair. He splashed around a little playing with the bubbles as I washed the grime off of him.

Once I was done, I grinned and grabbed a handful of bubbles and placed them on his head. The little Illyrian quickly looked up at me and proceeded to grin. And without a moment's notice he flapped his wings in the water spraying water all over me.

We both sat in silence for a little bit, me in shock and him with a look that said, ‘Uh oh’. Then I started laughing, and Hawthorne quickly realized he wasn’t in trouble for getting water over me.

After his bath, and the fight of drying him off, and the battle of getting him dressed. I did as I had promised and walked him back to one of the balconies so he could watch the ending of the sunset and all the lights of Velaris come on. We sat quickly, him in amazement, me writing down some reports to send to Rhys in the morning.

It was in the middle of the night I was awoken to one of Azriels shadows, Azriel rousing from sleep himself and moving a wing off of me to see what was happening. Then I heard soft padding down the hall, and a shuffling of wings. I then heard the door move a bit as someone jumped and grabbed the doorknob, and the door quietly moved open.

Raising our heads, we were greeted with Hawthorne sniffling as he waddled into the room. He looked up at the two of us from the foot of the bed, glancing back and forth. I glanced at Azriel and silently asked if he’d allow the boy in the bed with us.

Azriel looked at me, then flopped back on his stomach and grumbled “Once you feed them and let them sleep in the bed, they end up staying. Look at Cass.”

I lightly slapped his arm and raised up more and nodded to my side of the bed. Hawthorne quickly shuffled over and climbed his way into the bed and my arms. “Wanna talk about it?” I quietly asked.

He shook his head and placed his wet face into my neck. I hummed an okay and moved the blankets back over us and went back to sleep, Azriel’s wing shifting back over as he moved around.

In the morning I awoke to an empty bed, not unusual with Az doing morning training, but I distinctly remember a little boy crawling into the bed in the night as well.  

Climbing out of bed, a shadow greeted me happily and started leading me in the direction of the living room; and was greeted by Cassian holding the boy in the air telling him to get ready, and Azriel sat in a chair drinking tea.

“If he breaks something Cassian, you get to tell Rhys.” I said, walking further into the room and joining Azriel on the armrest, his hand wrapping around my hip and patting it. Azriel tilted his head in a way saying, ‘That’ll be fun’ and went back to his morning readings.

“Hey, we learn to fly by being dropped from different heights, I figured you prefer it in the living room, where he could land on the couch.” The general replied, letting go of the boy and allowing him to flap-glide his way to the couch in question.

I let the two continue and looked down to my mate, “Wanna join me in the kitchen, so we could talk about H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E’s F-A-T-H-E-R?” He nodded his head and took my hand to lead me in the direction of said room. Already on the counter was my breakfast, courtesy of the house which I thanked, and a steaming glass of coffee.

“I went earlier this morning. He’s not wanting to give us anything. Rhys wants to make an example of them.” Azriel said going straight to the point. I looked up from putting jam on my toast, my eyes trailing to the sounds of the child’s laughter and Cassians' praise.

“What about Hawthorne?”

Azriel sighed, already knowing I wasn’t going to let this go without a fight. Either with him or our High Lord. “Rhys is going to leave that up to you. His recommendation thought was to find someplace around Velaris so he wouldn’t be in a camp where issues may arise in the future. When he’s older.”

I looked sharply up at what he said. “What is that supposed to mean?” I made sure to keep my voice somewhat low so as to not raise attention to us.

“We both know what he means. He’s just trying to cover future bases because he has Nyx now.” Azriel tried to calm down, resting a hand on top of mine. I pulled it back from him immediately.

“No Azriel I don’t know what you mean. He’s a child what are you two trying to say?” I was angry. He’s five, if that. What was there to possibly worry about to ‘keep an eye on him in the future.’

Azriel said your name then continued, “His father was plotting to get a group of people to kill Rhys. Maybe worse.” Azriel almost seemed angry at the position I had taken, in defending this threat against his High Lord. But the threat was a child.

I glared at Azriel and all but snarled when I said, “Sons are NOT their fathers Azriel. You of all people should know that.” I even pointed in his direction for emphasis on my statement, his hazel eyes going wide in surprise at it. Shock and hurt flowed down the bond, and I pushed my feelings of anger towards him.

Turning I leave my breakfast to go join Cassian and the deemed threat in the other room to watch him stretch his wings.

It was later in the evening, after playing with the child and having Cassian take us down to the shopping district so he could have more clothes that I had finally let myself think about the argument from earlier in the day. I had already put Hawthorne to bed almost two hours ago and was down in the kitchen sipping wine. Setting the glass down on the counter I ran my hands down my face in frustration, and then came some shuffling.

Turning my head, I expected Azriel but found Hawthorne. Bleary-eyed from what little sleep he got. “Hey, what are you doing back up, it’s late.”

The little dark-haired child rubbed his eyes, his other hand gripping a little black cat stuffed animal he begged to have. “I have trouble sleeping in the bed. It’s super soft.” His eyebrows furrowed together and then he said, “The shadows also keep me awake by playing with my hair.”

A few of Azriel’s shadows had taken a little liking to the boy, much unlike their master, it seemed. “Well. Since you’re awake, want some hot chocolate?” I asked, the boy seemed confused at my words and asked what hot chocolate was. “Hot cocoa?” He shook his head in confusion again.

“Come on, I’ll make us some cups and you can try it,” I said lifting him up to sit on the counter and wiped my finger at some of the dried drool on his cheek.

Turning to a cabinet, I grabbed two mugs to set beside him and continued to pull supplies out to make the cocoa. Hawthorne watched every move I made, measuring out the ingredients, putting them into a pot to warm up, and even helping stir every now and then. Once it was done, I moved it over to the side to allow it to cool a bit more before putting the drink into the mugs.

“Now here’s the fun part. I like to add some extra things to mine.”

Hawthorne seemed interested in whatever it was I was going to add.

“I like to take this white stuff, called whipped cream, and put it on top, then add this stuff here called cinnamon. Do you wanna try mine and see if you like it for yours?” I asked, Hawthorne seemed to think deeply about it, furrowed eyebrows, and all then eagerly nodded his head. I carefully handed him my cup and he took a little sip, whip cream getting on his upper lip and nose, then made a loud ‘ahh’ sound after gulping it down.

“I’d like some please!” The boy eagerly handed my mug back and watched me add it to his smaller mug.

We sat side by side sipping at our drinks, Hawthorne’s eyes drooping more and more as he drank before he set his almost empty mug on the counter and yawned.

“Ready to go back to bed?” He seemed a little hesitant and then said something that broke my heart.

“I don’t wanna sleep by myself, I’m scared someone’s going to come and get me.” He didn’t want to make eye contact.

I looked at him a little inquisitively, “Why do you think someone’s coming to get you?”

“Well, I really liked being with Daddy, even if I didn’t get much food. And then you guys came and took my daddy and me, because daddy was being bad. But you have been really nice, and Cassin has been helping me fly, and even though Azzie don’t like me he still lets me play with his shadows, and you guys have food and it’s warm-“ I stopped him before he could continue working himself up.

“Hawthorne, you don’t have to go back to the camp if you don’t want to. You know that right?” I said rubbing his hand in a comforting way.

He seemed sheepish as he nodded then asked, “I would get to stay here with you? And Cassin and Azzie?”

I sighed trying to think of an answer, “I don’t know if you’d get to stay with us. You could go to another place that would love you very much.”

Hawthorne didn’t like that answer. Tears forming in his little hazel eyes, lips wobbling, and I knew I needed to backtrack.

“Hey, how about this buddy?” He sniffed and ran a hand over his eye, “How about we pause this conversation, and me and you go sleep? Then we can talk when I get some answers.” Answers only the Inner Circle could answer.

It took Hawthorne only 20 minutes to fall back to sleep in his room and me another hour lying beside Azriel. It was early morning when I awoke to Azriel getting up himself.

“Think you could call a meeting about little bits?” I asked rubbing my hands down my face.

Azriel sighed and sat back in the bed beside me. “You shouldn’t get attached to him; you know that. And it’s not that I think that he’s going to become his father or that I hate him. I heard you guys’ last night, and what you both talked about.” He sat there for a second licking his lips as I cringed knowing he heard us, “I do like him. He’s a sweet kid, and I’m glad he’s had a better life than most Illyrians-”

I stopped him, “I didn’t mean what I said yesterday. I know you’re not your father and I should’ve never. Ever. Compared you to him.”

“I know. You were angry and believed you had to defend him. I’m proud of you for that. But if you really want to discuss what happens with him, then I think we should talk.” Azriel said, grabbing my hand and holding it as he laid back across my stomach.

I nodded, and we started talking. About all outcomes for Hawthorne. What would happen to him, how he’d be raised, all of it. Then we went to the River House. And I joined the Inner Circle as we talked about him. Rhysand’s concerns, Amren’s and Mor’s surprise, Feyre’s support in what would happen, and how it would all be dealt with.

At the end we had an answer.

It was later in the day that I asked Hawthorne if he wanted to go walk around town with Azriel. I was slowly walking behind as Azriel walked somewhat awkwardly with the boy, talking with him as Hawthorne was eagerly pointing around at different shops.

Hawthorne’s eyes widened and grabbed Azriels’ hand, the older Illyrian tensing up at the innocent little child grabbing his scarred hands and dragged him over to a bakery to press his face into the window and stare at the sweets.

“Can we go in there?” Hawthorne asked eagerly looking between Azriel and me. Azriel looked to me for some guidance, letting me control the situation. Nodding my head, Azriel led the three of us into the bakery and let the boy pick what he wanted and got me my favorite treat too.

I led Hawthorne back outside so we could eat, take in the sights, and talk to Hawthorne like we needed to.

“Hey Hawthrone, remember the conversation from last night? Can me and Azriel talk to you about it?” Hawthrone seemed more downtrodden at the reminder of last night but nodded his head.

“Hawthorne, I got to visit your dad before we left, and I just wanted you to know that he isn’t going to be able to come home. And because of that, we need to find you a good home.” Azriel started out, not telling the boy his father wasn’t going to come home. Rhys did have to make an example and couldn’t just pardon him because he had a son.

“Azriel and I have been talking with some people, and we’re wondering what you want to do,” I said, handing the boy a napkin to clean his face as he ate. He glanced between Azriel and me, then down at the table.

“Where would I go if Daddy can’t take me?” he asked shyly.

“Well, we could find you a loving home here, in the city. Where you would be cared for and get to learn all kinds of things with kids your age and everything. Another choice is we find you a home back at your camp, somewhere that’d be able to care for you, and you’d get to be with other Illyrians your age.” Hawthorne seemed to think the two options over. Then Azriel looked at me and I nodded.

“Or” Azriel started, “You could stay with us, and we could raise you. Then you’d stay with Cassian and us, get to meet the High Lord and Lady, and all our friends, while going to school here in Velaris. And in a few years, we’d take you to a camp called Windhaven and you’d train to be a warrior.” Hawthorne’s eyes got wider and wider as Azriel continued, looking back and forth between us two, his grin starting to match mine.

“So. Which would yo-“ Azriel didn’t finish as the tiny Illyrian lunged over the table into both of us.

“YOU I WANNA STAY WITH YOU!” Hawthorne yelled excitedly, gripping the both of us as I laughed.

Azriel looked at me, love flowing down the bond and him receiving the same back from me at the new addition to the family.

[sen-ya]

Life After Info Post

[Click here to access the Life After Digital Comic Book]

Summary: Two years ago, a viral outbreak rose the dead. Considering how his life had gone up to this point, surgeon Trafalgar Law figured this might as well happen too. When a supply run into the nearby city gets intercepted by a seemingly reckless and impulsive former patient, the dependable routine Law had settled into in this new life shatters. He finds himself exposed — his body out in the infected landscape, his conscious clawing to define what he believes is right, his heart begrudgingly deciding to find a new home on his sleeve. Maybe there’s more than a virus roaming the new world that can bring a dead man back to life.

Content Warnings: Canon typical violence, zombies/body horror (but lbr I am not good at making scary things look scary)

Relationships: Luffy x Law

Update Schedule: New page every Monday/Wednesday/Friday

Page Count: [37 posted | 55 drawn]

Latest Update: [7/21/24] WOWEE did I get myself carried away this morning. I just spent 5 hours organizing my comics and creating the digital comic book pages. I could have spent that time drawing or idk not doing what I do for my job, but I cannot be stopped. Anyway I blocked out 30 pages of this comic last week and they include the most intense action sequence I've ever done in my gotdang life. Wish me luck because I am nervous about tying down all my drawings lmao.

OLD UPDATES:

[6/29/24] HULLO! I'm doing so bad at keeping my masterposts updated lately I am sorry. All pages of life after are tagged life after if you're ever looking between masterpost updates! Also exciting update, I finally have figured out all the different plot points i'm gonna be hitting (yay!). I got hung up on something for awhile that made me not wanna work on this project, but I'm back at it. I think we'll end up with 6-7 parts! I have probably another 80-100 pages to draw lol. Also i got the app Magic Poser and it's AWESOME and I immediately used it to block out sets cuz MAN I hate backgrounds.

[6/10/24] HELLO. I'm sorry I've been shit at updating my masterposts lately. It's easiest to do from my computer, which I rarely use, and life has been happening. I also can't believe I bungled the queue and posted pg19 before pg18 i am very sorry 🤦 Eventually I'll have to turn this into an airtable base I'm sure, but until that day comes where I have like 100 pages of this comic we're stickin to the regular post lmao

[5/26/23] I got real caught up in doing summer of lawlu comics this week and this is the first week since the first week of April I haven't drawn new Life After pages and it feels weird 🙊

[5/19/24] More Luffy backstory comin' this week! :^)

[5/12/24] Updating now so get myself on schedule to update on Sundays like I had been with my other comic master post!

[5/8/24] Thank you to everyone who's liked/reblogged/comment on the first few pages!! It means the world to me that anyone's reading my silly little comics.

[4/28/24] HULLO. It’s happeninnng. I’ve spent the last few weeks working on this comic, and I gotta make this post so I can start queuing pages & link this in them! This is the most like….legit? Comic endeavor I’ve undertaken perhaps….ever. I’m very nervous about committing to how long it will need to be lol. This story is dear to my heart — zombie content is kind of my very favorite. I’ve always found it to be a great backdrop for exploring themes like grief, coping with change, community, and learning to live again. It’ll be a long haul but I hope you’ll ride it out with me!! Tomorrow I’ll be posting the first two pages. After that a page will post every Monday/Wednesday/Friday. As of this post I’ve completed over 20 pages so that I have a good lead on what’s posting and continuing to write, so I’m hopeful that’s a cadence I’ll be able to maintain. I’ll update this post weekly to include the most recent pages the way I do with my main comics master post. All pages will be tagged 'Life After' and I'll tag any pages with zombies in them with 'zombie' for blacklisting etc.

[fatkish]

well hello there i just what to say i love the righting and 2 as u can see i suck at spelling so im sorry. and 3 i wish to know if u could do some mha angst like maybe like kiribaku x adhd reader where like bakugo dosen't mean tell reader to stop talking so fast or to like sit properly and stop moving there leg (i kinda want both cuz i get told that alot but u pick) but then kiri comes home and bakugos is sleeping on the couch and next day, kiri makes bakugo apologises and see how he was wrong. but its up to u. like reader could be overstimulated and cant stop moving. or sumth its up to u but thx for replying if u do don't feel like u need to tho byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Kirishima x Bakugou x Reader Drabble

It was that time of year again. Exams were getting closer and you and Kirishima needed help studying for them. So you both asked your shared boyfriend Bakugou, to help you guys study. Due to your ADHD, you typically take you tests in a different room alone with one of the teachers, that’s because it’s easier for you to focus when there’s less possible distractions. Due to your constant fidgeting, the school has allowed for you to keep a small exercise cycle underneath your desk. This device is similar to an exercise bike with its pedals, but it’s smaller and made to be used when sitting. The cycle is considered a learning tool for you since it allows you to fidget while disturbing as little people as possible.

Sadly, you can’t bring it everywhere with you, if you could then that incident wouldn’t have happened. You and Kirishima had begged Bakugou to help you guys study, so you three went to a cafe. Of course, your Boyfriends knew of your ADHD and how it affected you. They knew that it could only be managed so much, it wasn’t something that could be completely controlled and that it’s something you struggle with. While Bakugou was trying to help you both study, you kept getting distracted by everything and you wouldn’t stop shaking your leg, causing the booth to vibrate.

As you would point out things that you saw that you noticed like someone’s hairstyle or a band t-shirt someone was wearing, Bakugou was starting to get fed up with your inability to focus. You were sitting next to him in the same booth and your constant leg shaking was vibrating the seat and it was driving him crazy. After 1 hour and 30 minutes of your constant interruptions and leg bouncing, Bakugou was at his wit’s end.

“Goddamnit you spacey fuck, can’t you concentrate for more than a couple fucking seconds?!?! And will you fucking quit bouncing your goddamn leg. It’s so fucking damn annoying!” The moment Bakugou registered what he just shouted at you, he realized how much he messed up. You looked at him with watery eyes before your face changed to one of anger.

“I’m leaving” you got up and left the cafe, leaving behind a sorrowful Kirishima and a sorry Bakugou. Bakugou knew he had messed up the moment the words left his mouth. Before Kirishima could say anything Bakugou spoke.

“I know, I know, I messed up and I need to apologize. Don’t worry, I will.”

Kirishima could only look at Bakugou in slight disappointment before he went back to studying.

The next day at school, Kirishima pulled Bakugou aside in the hall outside the classroom and demanded that he apologize to you. Bakugou knew he messed up and was already planning out how he was going to apologize. As they walked into the classroom, they saw you scribbling away in one of your doodle journals. Since most students weren’t in the classroom yet, Bakugou decided to apologize then and there. He walked over and grabbed the back of your shirt, dragging you into the hallway.

“Look, I’m sorry ‘bout what I said yesterday. I was just pissed and I took it out on you.” He mumbled just quite enough for you to hear.

“It’s okay, I know I forgot to bring a fidget and I’ve been trying to manage my symptoms better. I just have to work harder but I appreciate the apology”

“Yeah yeah just shut up” Bakugou muttered as he looked away with a slight blush on his cheeks.

[ch4osm4ster]

Routine

Small friendly alien × reader scenario.

(Could be platonic, could be romantic. Romance is hinted at but I guess could be ignored?)

Made everything vague and neutral so anyone can imagine their own lil creature in it's place. Reader is human though and alien is around half the size of a human. No names mentioned. Reminder I am more experienced with drawing then writing so this isn't gonna be high level writing lol. I wrote this cuz I was tired of nobody else doing something with this type of vibe.

Summary:

After a whole day chatting you and your alien companion end up going to sleep under the stars, but instead of you being the bigger spoon like usually, they insist on being the bigger spoon instead.

Words: 1,160

Sitting on a patch of grass sat you, and a tiny creature you sometimes call a friend, sometimes a lover. While most humans would find the size difference awkward, you did not. And neither did your little companion.

You two had a pretty uneventful day, but did spend all your energy on talking about the differences between your world and theirs. And while it was fun, you could only talk for so long before you felt the need to rest engulf you both. It was getting late, thank goodness, so you both took this chance to enjoy the scenery and ambience of nature surrounding you.

It was peaceful.

Now, this is kind of a private matter, but you both had made up a routine whenever you hung out. You would talk for hours, and then when it was finally time for bed, a search for the perfect spot to sleep on was started, typically a patch of thick soft moss, or maybe a cave filled with life sized mushrooms. Then, after relaxing a bit, you two would inch closer to share body heat. And closer.

And closer.

Until one day it became cuddling.

That's your routine now, talk and then hold eachother gently to sleep. And in the morning you two would look for something to eat, provided by mother nature herself. You learned to always keep a lighter and something sharp with you wherever you go, just in case for these scenarios.

Now typically, since you're bigger then them, them being like half your size, you end up being the big spoon each time. Your arms always surrounding their whole body and keeping them close to you while you both dozed off to dreamland.

And you were ready to do so again, you laid down on your side and raised an arm, looking up expectantly.

"No, no," they waved their little finger back and forth while smirking. "Tonight I'M the big spoon."

"You? The big spoon? And how do you plan to do that huh?" You raised an eyebrow and them, but decided to sit up either way, curious where this was going.

"Don't worry, i got my ways," they said while puffing out their chest.

They crossed their legs and wiped off remaining specks of dirt and dust, wiggling their hips in place to get more comfortable, their cocky posture turning into something so unserious yet focused so fast you almost laughed. You looked on, grin getting wider but eyebrows knitting in confusion. Then, when they were ready, they looked at you like you looked at them earlier, expectant, and patted their lap, "your pillow, my humble human."

You couldnt help but chuckle, they seemed overly confident this was going to work and to be honest, the confidence was contagious. You slowly lowered your head onto their lap, facing away as this was a new situation and making eye contact right now was not on your to do list. After some wiggling arount for a comfortable position, checking if you weren’t too heavy for them, you let out a big sigh. This was indeed pretty comfortable, you almost wished this could've happened sooner which in turn made you wonder about the sudden change. You called out their name as a question, "so... what's the occasion?"

Their hand reached the top of your head, fingers slowly moving against your scalp, almost like a very slow petting motion you could only feel. "Occasion?" They asked.

"Yea, i mean, I'm not complaining. This is actually really nice. But it's diffrent from how we usually do this. Did you get tired of me snoring into your ear or something?" You joked, a light smirk appearing on your lips that they probably couldn't see but could hear.

"Whaat, i could never get tired of you snoring loudly into my ears while i sleep!" They joked back. "Nah, actually, I've been thinking-"

"You think? Oh my god i didnt know you could do that!"

That earned you a light smack on the back of your head, both of you erupting into laughs while you pushed your face deeper into their thighs to try and be more quiet. When you both finally calmed down, they put their hand back on your head.

"I've been thinking," they started again, giving you a skeptical look while trying not to laugh again. You looked up from your spot in their lap and shrugged, a silent sign you weren't gonna interupt again. "Ive been thinking about how unfair it is that you can hold me like that, and keep me warm, while i can't. And while i can't do the same, i figured I'd at least do something in return. Show you some love as well. Give some attention back."

"O-oh." You stammered, stunned. Guess you never thought about it that way, always focused on putting them first and trying to give them as much attention as you comfortably could.

"That's... really sweet of you," you managed to communicate. Your eyes, which were still looking at them, looking somewhere else as you smiled, a light dust of blush appearing onto your cheeks. Its not often you get to feel this way. So... small.

In a way, your roles really have switched. While they might be smaller physically, you are the one who now feels smaller, albeit emotionally.

"Is that a blush i see?" They pointed out.

You eyes widened as you were brought back into the present, blush dissappearing, thoughts no longer wandering to places themed around you little companion and their kindness.

"No it's not, humans don't blush," you lied blatantly and turned around so fast they couldn't have missed the fact you were lying.

They smiled gently and just looked at the part of you laying comfortably in their lap, hand returning to it's rightful place and ruffling your head before becoming almost stationary again. "Sure thing, whatever you say, i definitely believe you, uh-huh."

You both chuckled quietly, unable to hold back, atmosphere light and playfull as you started to calm down yet again. You yawned, which in turn made them yawn as well. It was interesting how you were different species and yet yawns were still contagious to eachother.

"Sleep time i guess," they said while stretching their arms and lowering themselves onto the ground. They were now laying on their back, your head on their stomach as to not disturb their breathing or crush any important anatomy you might not have.

"Yeah, sleep time," you whispered, already on the brink of falling asleep. Sharing these moments with them always made you fall asleep faster, sleep being a lil better then usual too.

You both bid your final goodnight's as the ambience of the nightly creatures surrounded you again, no longer overshadowed by your banter, and preparing you both for a night of good dreams...

And in the morning, you'll eat breakfast again, and probably do it all over again.

You wondered what tomorrow's topic will be...

[bcbdrums]

for the otp asks 9, 18 and 30 for soma? and spiritstein if you want

oooh... heheh, i'll answer for both, yes.

9. If they got engaged… who proposed? 

For Soul and Maka, Soul proposed. Only cuz he beat Maka to it. She was nervous, going back and forth on whether or not she should, worried he'd say no for a variety of reasons, and while she was busy warring against nerves he banished his own and took her hands over the first place they spilled blood together, their first battleground... Told her he wanted to protect her forever as more than her weapon... Aaaaaaahhhhh FEELS!!! Meanwhile for Stein and Spirit... Uh... I think I answered this in a prior ask answer already but I'll answer again. Spirit, 100% because Stein is indifferent regarding conventions. Spirit meanwhile is just as anxious and back and forth as Maka (lol) but would finally blurt it out probably under pressure and then absolutely lose it bawling because Stein would just be like, whatever. But in a 'whatever you want' way, not a rejection. Stein just doesn't think about those sorts of conventions. It's Sherlock Holmes and the solar system, for him.

18. Evening rituals?

I probably don't understand this question, but here we go. My mind is jumping straight to anime canon for Soul and Maka. Maka sticks to strict bedtime routines. Goes to bed at the same time each night, brushes her teeth exactly two minutes (she and Kid vibe hard at times), fixes her hair, and then reads herself to sleep or has a timer in case she isn't sleepy. Gotta get those eight hours in before school! Soul meanwhile....has no routine. He remembers to brush his teeth only because Maka's routine is so annoying to him. The dude falls into bed annoyed that she's so strict cuz he'd like to hang out with her a bit outside of school. So gradually, gradually... He convinces her to loosen up, and then they have weekly movie nights on the sofa. And afterward (and every night) her sweet little "good night, Soul" absolutely sends him. Poor boy can't sleep cuz he's pining so much. But these movie nights also lead to book nights. Which he complains all the way through cuz he's genuinely not interested in most of her books. And then when he is interested in some, he has to keep up the act that he isn't... Heheh. These two just spending nights in bickering like an old married couple. That's the routine. And if they ever happen to fall asleep during the movie and her head falls on his shoulder, he ain't waking her. She'd wake up tho when his drool hits her cheek, loool. For Stein and Spirit my brain is jumping all over the place... Academy days I have too many thoughts, so I don't think I should go there in this post (it'll be WAY too long). So, future them... A future where they're together. They're both so used to being alone that they would initially continue their typical routines, some of which look like the academy days. They do their own thing, follow their own interests. Spirit has a drink perhaps, goes to bed when he feels like it, reads himself to sleep (like Maka haha). Stein stays up studying something with no conception of time, falls asleep over the book or not at all. But eventually something, some triggering incident of which I'm not presently conceiving would lead them to end up sleeping on the sofa together. The personal routines wouldn't change, but then on nights when either decided they didn't want to be alone, they'd just linger in the other's presence as a sort of nonverbal cue, and sofa time would become a thing. And then I think Spirit...now at this point with the understanding that they're together, that this is real and isn't going to be lost again, would be the one to say either if he wants it or if he sees Stein in a place of needing it....would say, "hey, uhh why don't you come sleep in my room tonight?" Poor nervous sop. And then after that, that would just be a thing. One night Stein would announce amid the usual nighttime quiet, "I'm going to bed. You coming?" So it would vary between nights. And eventually reach a place of...it doesn't need to be spoken. They can exist in their quiet personal routines of study and reading and if one decides it's sleep time, they know the other will eventually follow.

30. When did they realize they loved each other?

(manga mentions/spoilers coming for those who don't want spoilers) Soul... He was definitely deeply attracted to her by the time they were in Spartoi, but I think he was attracted to her all along. Just by then it was deeper and then it was just sort of an... "oh" moment for him somewhere before the end... I wanna say he knew before Russia, but was able to focus on his feelings more after Russia. He had other stuff he was dealing with too that had priority. But yeah, like "oh, these feelings are love, but, of course I love her." So yeah just...like that. And then with Maka, I think she was also attracted to him from the very beginning and was interested in romance before he was. And I think...after he became a death scythe is when it really hit her like....everything in the world has reached a new level of seriousness, and my feelings are serious too. However, being a teenager, she didn't know what yet to do with those feelings. And here now we have the contrasting pair who didn't figure themselves out in their youth.... This bit is gonna be longer now, haha. Spirit has always loved Stein but the way he loves him has changed over time. Just like Soul and Maka, they started as partners which means a trust in the other for their lives. But, realizing he loves loves him... I don't think it was until long after he lost him. Probably in those years when he was most alone, absent wife, young daughter to raise...he suddenly realized how much he missed his real partner. But then thinking he's long past any hope of fixing that he doesn't engage his heart toward him. So a two-fold realizing... This, and then post-canon. If he can be brave enough to allow himself to open his heart up again to the possibility... He already knows how he feels. The issue is he doesn't think he has a chance at happiness anymore. Aaaaand Stein. Unhealthy obsession and confusion which I won't detail here because it will really take too long (ask me if you want me to elaborate on his feelings and how they changed over time), but he felt it when they were still teenagers, somewhere in the midst of fearing losing Spirit and actually losing him he'd start to be understanding that this is one of his feelings, but then he...accepts the loss. He doesn't think he has any other choice. The sad thing is with him it's a bit different... He accepts the loss, but his feelings only grow stronger over time. His heart is never closed in fear once he understands, like Spirit's is. His heart remains open despite thinking there's no chance of coming together. Stein would do anything...anything to show Spirit he loves him, even though he's certain there's no chance of coming together again. Post-canon I think it's he with his open heart...after the experiences of beating madness (both canons) who would be the brave one and make the move. Aaaaaahhhh I'm getting into SO much of my headcanons and giving away hints at future fics here, so I must cease.

These were VERY fun questions to answer, thank you for the ask!

[sephirothsplaything]

DNA| Sec.80 high power-chapter 8

a/n: we've made it all. Lock in and pay attention cuz there's a lot of words here! This one goes out to all you Aemond wives! From here on out he's going to be a problem.

CW: mentions of sexual happenings but nothing super explicit

anyways<3

word count:3397(its worth it trust me)

below is a little gif I made with the edit version of Rhaella!

The halls of the Red Keep were something Rhaella was beginning to grow accustomed to.

The bustle of lords and handmaids alike filled the castle with traffic. Rhaella waltzed by, easily ignored by others.

Rhaenys had left Rhaella to her own devices, seeking out conversation with the king, possibly for the last time.

“I should let the guards seize you, after what you did to me.” A voice snided.

Turning around, Rhaella was faced with Aegon. 

How unpleasent.

“I’m shocked you aren’t drunk at this hour, cousin,” Rhaella said. 

It was mid-noon at the time of her arrival. From what she’d heard, Aegon was typically in a drunken stupor come morning.

Aegon laughed at her words, taking the liberty of stepping closer.

Far too close for Rhaella’s comfort.

“I assume you’re looking for my brother?” Aegon questioned. Rhaella averted her eyes at his gaze. He never failed to make her uncomfortable, even after all this time.

But Rhaella refused to make this known, she took a step forward in earnest.

“I’m looking for your sister, actually,” Rhaella said. This did little to alleviate the smug expression that seemed to be burned onto Aegon’s face.

“Where might she be?’ 

Aegon rolled his eyes, accompanied by a groan. Rhaella had already grown tired of his presence.

“ Am I my sister’s keeper?” Aegon said.

“One would think you’d care to know the doings of your wife,” Rhaella said.

Aegon grimaced at the use of the word.

“You may have my brother pussy drunk,” Aegon said, a slight slur noticeable.

Perhaps his drunkenness had finally seeped in.

“But I will not have you speak to me anyhow,” Aegon said.

Rhaella’s lips pursed slightly in annoyance. Disgusted would be the defining word for how she felt towards Aegon, but never fearful.

Fearful of what? His drunkard breath? Perhaps.

“I will speak to you however I please. “ Rhaella said. And with that, she walked down the halls.

Aegon could go pass out in a brothel for all she cared.

Arriving at one of the rooms, there sat Helaena’s son, Jaehaerys. The young boy was too occupied by his playthings to notice Rhaella’s footsteps.

She took a moment to observe Jaehaerys, the boy was only six years of age. Rhaella recalled holding his frail body at the time of his birth. It felt strange to hold a babe. She did not relish the feeling.

“Where is your mother, little one?” Rhaella asked softly. Jaehaerys looked up from his toys briefly before continuing.

“In her room, I think.” His little voice spoke. Rhaella thought about brushing the boy’s hair with her hand, as her mother used to do to her.

Rhaella decided against it. She made her way to  Helaena’s quarters. The door was slightly ajar so she refrained from knocking.

“Cousin?” Rhaella called to Helaena. 

Helaena looked up from her patchwork to see her beloved cousin. A warm smile spread onto her face, cheeks rose in color.

“Rhaella!” Helaena ushered her to come sit. Rhaella obliged her cousin, taking the seat next to her.

“Another embroidery?” Rhaella asked, eyeing the handiwork of her cousin. 

Helaena hummed in confirmation. “It’s a spider.” 

“I never had the patience for such things,” Rhaella said. She was one for histories and lectures from the maesters and septas. Rhaena was the one who excelled in sewing, arts, and music,

“It isn’t all that hard, just practice,” Helaena said. The two cousins fell into a silence familiar only to them. Rhaella watched Helaena work diligently.

“Ah!” Helaena exclaimed suddenly. Rhaella slightly jumped in surprise.

“It will be your name day in a weeks time.” Helaena said. In truth, Rhaella scarcely remembered herself. She had not celebrated the day since the death of her mother.

Rhaella watched as Helaena swiftly moved across the room, grabbing a garment into her hands.

“I had this made for you,” Helaena said enthusiastically.

Rhaella unfolded the garment. It was a dress. Rich purple silk, with gold embellishments stitched into the bust of the dress. The sleeves were long and elegant.

It was the most gorgeous thing she’d ever seen.

“Helaena...this is beautiful,” Rhaella said finally.

“I recall purple being your favorite color,” Helaena said eagerly. Only her sweet cousin would remember such a thing.

“ I did the gold bits myself, I know you prefer simple gowns,” Helaena said.

“Thank you Helaena, truly.. this is.” Rhaella was not sure how to place her gratitude.

Helaena smiled anyway. She knew Rhaella was thankful, it was more than enough for her.

“When Princess Rhaenyra is queen, I shall move into the Red Keep for you.” Rhaella decided. Originally, Rhaella had half a mind to sail back to Pentos after the princess ascended the throne.

Jace and Luke would marry Baela and Rhaena, her father would become king consort; There would be no place for her any longer.

But no more. She would not abandon her cousin to the predator that was her husband.

Helaena’s eyes glossed over with emotion. Rhaella felt compelled to continue, feeling uncharacteristically soft at the moment.

“ If I am there, Aegon wouldn’t dare to touch you.” Rhaella convicted sternly. 

Helaena shrunk back slightly.

“There is a beast beneath the boards,” Helaena muttered.

Rhaella sighed. She supposed her cousin had not outgrown the bouts of incoherent musings.

“I hope to never marry, much less to a man like that,” Rhaella said, moving along.

Helaena glanced at Rhaella in confusion.

“You do not wish for a husband?” Helaena asked.

Rhaella shrugged. “There is no lord in the realm that would suit me.” She said.

Helaena smiled slightly. “No lord, perhaps a prince?”

Rhaella felt her brown cheeks grow warm. She understood the implication.

“I wouldn’t marry Aemond, I know him far too well,” Rhaella said.

Helaena hummed in thought.

“Is it not preferred to be bound to one that understands you?” Helaena asked. 

For the first time, Rhaella had no answer. No profound thoughts or complex answers.

It was not a matter of understanding. It was her fear of being so known by him.

“He is not the same,” Rhaella said.

Helaena’s eyes softened. “ He still cares for you, if you’d only allow it.”

If she only allowed it. Perhaps, no harm could come from allowing such a thing.

There was no use fighting the issue any longer.

Rhaella abruptly stood, mind made up. No more games. No more control. She’d release it all.

“I’ll be seeing you, Helaena.” 

Rhaella rushed out the door, Helaena’s gift in hand. 

She had not the faintest clue as to what she intended to do when she saw him.

It was not like her to confess her feelings. And Rhaella knew Aemond was the same.

The same as her.

Rhaella found herself in the library. The crux of all this bother.

And Aemond was there. Naturally, she knew he would be.

Rhaella approched with caution. Aemond found refuge in the couch‘s velvet seats, book in hand.

“I thought I’d find you here,” Rhaella said. Aemond did not break from the pages of his book; He did not need to. The sounds of her voice did more than enough.

“Desperate to see me, I gather?” Aemond said. Rhaella’s hands suddenly became slick with sweat.

The enormity of her desire disgusted her.

“Believe what you’d like,” Rhaella said. She took a seat by him, peering at the book that contained his attention.

Aemond couldn’t fight the half-smirk on his face. Even in her admission, she managed to remain so haughty.

“It has only been a weeks time, yet you’ve found yourself at the Red Keep once more,” Aemond said.

“I did not come here for you, cousin,” Rhaella said. However, she would be lying if the prospect of seeing him again wasn’t half motivation for accompanying her grandmother.

Aemond hummed in response, clear disbelief. 

“I was at Driftmark, my grandmother wished to visit your father and brought me along,” Rhaella said. She couldn’t be too honest, it was far too embarrassing.

“And here I thought it was my letter that brought you here,” Aemond said.

Rhaella looked up from her lap in surprise.

“You actually wrote to me?” 

Aemond placed his book to the side, amusement all too apparent.

“That was your demand, was it not?” Aemond reminded. 

Rhaella briefly recalled her words from before. She was hardly serious at the time.

“It must’ve arrived after I left,” Rhaella said.

Aemond looked at the dress in Rhaella’s lap, his hand brushed over the silk.

“Where’s this from?” He asked.

“Early name day gift, from your sister,” Rhaella said.

“In a weeks time, was it?” Aemond said. 

Rhaella could hardly contain her girlish smile. Even after all this time, it was as if they had never left the Weirwood tree.

“In truth, I’m shocked you remember,” Rhaella said, deciding against expressing her excitement.

Aemond chuckled at Rhaella’s shock.

“As I recall, there was a time when you’d never let me forget the fact.” He said.

Aemond was older than Rhaella by a year and one. As children, Rhaella maintained that seniority meant nothing, as she’d always know more.

“ I shall be ten and eight years of age, same as you,” Rhaella said.

“Then I suppose I owe you a gift as well,” Aemond said.

The two maintained eye contact for what felt like a fortnight. Rhaella felt herself growing warm at the implication. She doubted she’d have the restraint to stop him this time.

Abruptly, Aemond stood up. 

“ Come on then,” Aemond said.

Eager as she felt, Rhaella took her time in following Aemond out of the door.

They walked into the courtyards, passing by the doors.

Criston Cole, the queen’s sworn protector, stood on guard.

The buzz that Rhaella had been feeling was muted in an instant. She reverted to her ladyship state, hands folded in front of her and a bored expression on her face.

“My Prince.” Cole greeted. His eyes shifted to Rhaella with an unreadable expression. Rhaella did not have to think too hard as to who Cole would rush to report after the fact.

“Are you going somewhere?” Criston Cole asked again, completely disregarding Rhaella. 

And she was thankful for it. Rhaella feared she’d be unable to control her tongue if provoked.

“I’ll be taking Vhagar, no need to follow,” Aemond said.

Rhaella supposed that was her gift. 

Ser Criston bowed again, leaving them to continue.

Approaching the valleys, Rhaella made her discomfort known.

“I don’t like him.” She said. 

“Ser Criston is an honorable man,” Aemond said. Rhaella rolled her eyes.

“Perhaps your version of honor is skewed,” Rhaella said.

Aemond didn’t grace Rhaella with a response.

Vhagar came into view. Her enormous body rose and fell as she softly slumbered. Rhaella paused as Aemond approached the dragon.

How long had it been since she had seen Vhagar? Since her mother’s funeral maybe.

Flurries of memories hit Rhaella at once. Her late mother had loved Vhagar with her entire being. Their bond was truly special. As a proximate, Rhaella had grown to care for the dragon as well.

When she was younger, Vhagar had always been especially soft with her. Laena had taken care to introduce baby Rhaella to Vhagar.

But that was years ago. And Vhagar had grown with a new rider.

“Well?” Aemond called out. “Get on.”

Rhaella was not so arrogant as to hold onto past memories regarding Vhagar. She was practically a stranger to the dragon.

Carefully, Rhaella made her way to the dragon, who had since woken at the appearance of her rider.

“Gaomagon ao gibigon issa?” Rhaella spoke in a gentle voice. ‘Do you remember me?’

Vhagar groaned slightly, fixing her gaze on Rhaella. Despite her fear, Rhaella stood her ground. Vhagar was her favorite after all.

“Lykiri,Vhagar,” Rhaella said. Her hand eased its way to brush the dragon’s nose, an act she had done many times as a child.

The act must’ve brought a memory back for the beast as well. Vhagar nestled into the touch. 

Rhaella fought the tears forming in her eyes. Vhagar remembered her mother. Remembered her.

“Sȳz riña.” ‘good girl’ Rhaella praised. She took the liberty of using both hands to rub the scales of Vhagar all over.

“How have you been, old girl.” Rhaella cooed. “Has this one been treating you well?”

Aemond had been silent in the exchange. It was a nice moment, although he couldn’t fight the envy. Vhagar had nearly burnt him when he had first met her.

“Show off,” Aemond said simply. His hand reached out to Rhaella.

“Your jealously is known, cousin,” Rhaella said. Grabbing his hand, Rhaella was pulled onto the back of Vhagar in one fluid motion.

Aemond’s hand lingered on Rhaella’s waist for a moment before grabbing the reins.

Rhaella’s arms wrapped themselves around Aemond’s waist, admittedly hastily.

The action did not escape Aemond’s notice.

“You seem eager, my lady,” Aemond said, teasing.

Rhaella scrunched her nose at the unnecessary formality. She delivered a sharp pinch to his side.

“I have no desire to plummet to my death,” Rhaella responded, opting to ignore his tone.

Yes. She was all too eager.

Aemond took Vhagar up towards the evening skies. The wind whipped all about them, loose wisps of curls moved along Rhaella’s forehead.

Rhaella’s careful violet eyes observed the way Aemond moved in front of her. His grip on the reigns were tight as he directed Vhagar through the air.

Her mother had always used a looser grip when she mounted Vhagar. Perhaps it was a difference in bonds.

Rhaella leaned forward, chest pressing up against Aemond’s strong back.

“Where are you taking me?” Rhaella asked. Her voice carried straight to the proximity of Aemond’s ear.

“You’ll see,” Aemond responded simply. Unbeknownst to Rhaella, Aemond’s lack of words was a result of his carefully hidden flustered state.

Rhaella looked down at the passing scenery, not recognizing any of it.

“What?” Rhaella said. “Do you intend on holding me for ransom?”

Aemond couldn’t help but laugh. “If that’s what you’d like,”

Soon after, Vhagar landed in the tall grass, the vast sea in view.

Jumping down, Aemond reached up to carry Rhaella.

“I’m quite capable of getting down myself,” Rhaella said, causing Aemond to roll his eyes.

“Perhaps I should let you fall to the ground then?” Aemond said.

Rhaella glanced down at the grass. It was a way down from the massive dragon.

“Fine.” Rhaella shifted her weight as Aemond held her waist, carrying her down, causing her dress to hike up slightly.

Somehow, shame was not an emotion she found herself with. They had been in much more compromising positions previously.

Aemond did not release his grip and Rhaella couldn’t find it in herself to pull away.

“Nervous?” Rhaella asked.

“ Is that your intention?” Aemond responded.

So quick-witted, he was. One of the many things Rhaella enjoyed.

Pulling away, Rhaella sat herself on the grass. Aemond followed suit.

“Your father doesn’t have much time left,” Rhaella said. It was the first thing that came to mind.

“I suppose,” Aemond said, tone flat.

Rhaella turned to him, curiosity peaked.

“You will not mourn him?” Rhaella asked.

Aemond’s thoughts mingled together. He supposed there would be no harm to be honest.

“He was no father to me, just a spineless king,” Aemond said 

Rhaella hummed. She understood.

“My father holds many things above me, I think,” Rhaella said.

Aemond’s hand found Rhaella’s in the grass, fingers brushing the top of her hand.

“He is feared in the realm,” Aemond said.

Rhaella scoffed. Daemon was the Rouge prince to all,but the Rouge father to her and her sisters.

“You admire him,” Rhaella said. There was no room for suggestion.

“Maybe I wish to be respected,” Aemond said.

Rhaella raised an eyebrow at that. She knew Aemond to long for something that affirmed his place in the realm. And she was the same.

“You wish to be a king,” Rhaella stated.

Aemond tilted his head at the statement. It was as if she was in his mind.

“You do not think I would make a good one?” Aemond said.

In truth, Rhaella did not. There was a growing darkness around Aemond that she couldn’t place. Given the opportunity for war, Rhaella was sure that Aemond would throw himself into it.

“In the way I’d make a good queen.” Rhaella scoffed. 

“We would bring stability to the seven kingdoms, together,” Aemond said.

Rhaella smiled. The grin grew larger and larger until she could no longer contain her amusement, laughing loudly.

“I didn’t know you’ve taken up jests.” She said.

Aemond smiled slightly. He was serious. It escaped Rhaella’s notice.

Rhaella fell back into the grass. 

“The princess will make a fine queen I think,” Rhaella said, after a while.

Aemond had no response. Perhaps he didn’t agree.

Instead, he took in the sight of Rhaella. The silver-white curls of her hair cut through the grass. Her eyes were closed, withholding those all-knowing eyes he cared for so.

Rhaella’s face was rather gentle when relaxed, one could compare her to a fawn. She scowled far too often for one to take notice.

“Rhaella,” Aemond said. His tone was calm. He had already made peace with what he was allowing himself to feel.

Rhaella sat up in response, directing her attention. 

Then he kissed her. Like a man starved. The lengths of his repression no longer held weight.

And Rhaella responded. They did not need to confess what others might. It was known between them. As it was, the way it always would be.

Aemond’s body pushed Rhaella back into the grass as they continued. Somewhere along the way, the fitted corset on Rhaella’s body came loose.

The intensity of it all, there was nothing Rhaella could compare it to. Her lips found his once more, the ambiance of the surrounding area blocked out.

It was only when Aemond slid a hand underneath her undergarments did she slightly came to.

Maidenhood be dammed. It was a long time coming anyhow.

The two lay out in the grass, garments half covering their nakedness—Rhaella’s once neat braid and been reduced to messy frays. Aemond was no better, his hair was uniquely wild.

It was late into the hour of the wolf. Rhaella sat up slowly. Her fingers tangled into her hair, letting all the curls loose.

Aemond retrieved his clothing in silence however there was a self-satisfied smile on his face.

Rhaella was his.

“We should go, lest they send out the king’s guards,” Rhaella said. 

Aemond hummed in agreement. He noticed that Rhaellas corset was loose. He pulled her back slightly, quick fingers lacing the backing up.

“Where’d you learn that?” Rhaella said.

“Helaena,” Aemond responded. 

The pair mounted Vhagar once more. This time, Rhaella’s arms wrapped around the whole of Aemond, chin resting on his shoulder.

She couldn't deny it. Happiness had consumed her, nonchalant as she tried to be.

She need not the pact of marriage. Aemond could betroth anyone and she would not care. They’d now be tied forevermore.

They arrived back in Kingslanding. Entering the Red Keep once more, they were reluctant to part ways.

“That was an interesting gift,” Rhaella said, mirth in her voice.

“It crossed my mind to get you jewelry of some sort, but I recall you not caring much for it,” Aemond said.

“My prince?” A voice called down the hall. Ser Criston Cole. He seemed to appear anywhere she was these days.

Aemond’s hands moved away from hers. She did not protest. Their situation was...not ideal for public knowledge. 

“There is something I must speak with you about..now,” Cole said. There was clear urgency on his face.

Aemond turned back to Rhaella, she wouldn’t be remiss to see the slight apologetic look on his face.

“I’m coming,” Aemond responded to Cole.

Rhaella became all too aware of the empty halls. 

“Ser Criston?” Rhaella spoke. Criston Cole turned to face her. His expression was that of pure judgment. Suddenly, Rhaella felt rather self-conscious.

“Have you seen the Princess Rhaenys?” Rhaella asked.

“No,” Cole said, rather bluntly.

Aemond and Cole walked off to discuss matters unknown to Rhaella.

Rhaella carried herself back to her quarters, stripping down completely save for her underdress.

In the quiet moments between her drifting in and out of consciousness. Rhaella resolved that she would return to Driftmark on the morrow with her grandmother.

And with that, Rhaella lay limp in sleep.

[void-floyd-art]

Songs for Rook Ask Game for:

My precious boy Lenan Thorne

A small introductory letter for those curious

@teamtakagi

12. Which best describes them during their time as Rook?

Apple Tree by AURORA

The lyrics just fit so well! He's the youngest in the group at 21 and didn't even properly learn about magic until he joined the Grey Wardens and now he's supposed to stop elven gods from destroying the world?

20. What song plays for the "ending credits" of your Rook's adventures?

What The Water Gave Me by Florence + The Machine

This one is a little ironic, because one of his symbolisms is fire and he's got a genuine fear of deep and/or dark water. But the song itself also talks about being willing to sacrifice yourself for others - among other things. Sooo... very fitting.

@xdragon-riderx

6. What's a song they'd listen to? What's their taste in music like?

It would depend on his mood and he's a bit of an everything girlie, soooo here's two songs from opposite ends of the spectrum...

The Last Unicorn by America

Drunk n Disorderly by The Chats

10. Which artist best matches your idea for Rook's voice?

Definitely "fin", especially in the song Lost. Lenan is still pretty young and also has a naturally higher voice.

@so--whoonos

3. Which lyrics best represent Rook?

And it's my whole heart

While tried and tested, it's mine

And it's my whole heart

Trying to reach it out

And it's my whole heart

Burned but not buried this time

from Which Witch by Florence + The Machine

Lenan believes in the best in people - gives everyone a chance. He's fiercely loyal and feels things deeply, but despite rarely having his kindness repaid, he chooses to see the beauty in the world and greet it with an open heart. The song itself isn't quite as applicable to him, but these particular lyrics really fit Lenan well.

9. What song could an antagonist use to describe their conflicts with Rook?

Maybe this is cheating cuz I'm a major DreadRook/SolRook shipper, but Solas is still an antagonist, so I picked a song for him and Lenan.

It's definitely the mood for their dynamic after the betrayal happens. Lenan thought that Solas was actually coming around - that there could've been something between them! But Solas betrayed his trust - used his growing affection against him - so Lenan will make sure to repay him with fire.

Can't Catch Me Now by Olivia Rodrigo

@i-creatied-au

11. Which song best describes them during their time prior to being Rook?

Nobod'y Soldier by Hozier

He didn't really have a choice in becoming a Grey Warden. It was either chancing the joining ritual and maybe surviving or death via blight infection, but he's not that big on hierarchies or strict rules. He'll help wherever he can and do whatever he thinks is the right thing, consequences to himself be damned.

@larknnightingale

17. What song would you use to share a dark experience they had?

Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens

Goodnight, Travel Well by The Killers

I gave him quite some angst, but he doesn't really have a lot of "typical" dark experiences. Lenan still remembers how hollow he felt, when his father died. How he missed his songs and bedtime stories and his laugh and his terrible puns. And then after his mother's death, all he wanted was for her to hug him, to rufflee his hair and to call him all of her silly nicknames for him again. And I feel like these songs perfectly convey the depression after losing someone dear to you.

Thank you all so much for your questions and keep 'em coming! I have a few hours of train ride to get through tomorrow - I've got time!

[4hrsleep]

Some short pieces for my style! kylux (Not suit 4 everyone and also warning cuz English is not my first language I used translator)

hope u guys enjoy them <3!

🖤🧡

1.In thirty hours, Kylo Ren will be dead. To get his petty revenge on society—and everything he despises—he’s decided to do something dramatic: confess to Rey. What no one at school dares to tell this self-proclaimed “Knights of Ren” slash student council president is that the house he’s about to break into, through a second-story window no less, just happens to belong to Hux.

2. College student Hux keeps getting spammed by some troll calling himself KYLOR3N on a board he personally created on an anonymous forum (yeah, it’s 8chan). The guy keeps posting helmet pics and writing all this cringy, nonsensical poetry only a terminally online loser would think is deep.As a civilized adult, Hux tells this teenager to go post on 16chan’s /emoshelters board instead.

And for a while, it seems like the kid actually vanished—dead, maybe? Nah.Until one day, Hux spots the “/emoshelters” board open on his fuckbuddy’s phone… and, turns out, the idiot never even cleared his browser history (maybe he didn’t even know how).Now the real question is… is Ben Solo even adult now?

3. Ben Solo, the homeschooled poster child who’s never set foot in a real classroom, lived a pretty uneventful life—until a new neighbor moved in next door. Curious, he started investigating the ginger haired man… and one day, under the excuse of selling cookies, he rang his doorbell and made that weird wave gesture.Yeah, turns out he really is the freak his uncle raised him to be. Otherwise, why would he be so fascinated by a disgraced professor who got fired for basically running Nazi-lite experiments on his students?

4. Hux, one of typical white-collar workers, had been battling insomnia for as long as he could remember.One Friday after work, on a whim, he finally clicked on that junk mail link—the one that sent him a video every day like clockwork. Nothing special… just a black screen with some static background noise, like white noise.When he woke up from the best sleep he’d had in years (a solid four hours), he heard that same sound again- this time coming from outside his window.There there, digging through his trash with one hand and filming with the other, was some scrappy emo kid with a mop of wild hair.

5. A heart-shaped box arrived at Dr. Hux’s doorstep.Inside it: a vial of thick black tar, a tarnished coin, a packet of carnivorous flower seeds—and the body of Ben Solo, the patient who had torn himself open in the belief that a malignancy was growing inside him.The thing inside him has a name now.

It calls itself Kylo Ren.

[wisecrackingeric-2]

OKAY OKAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope you have/had an amazing day!! I’m chewing on you as a treat :) Love you!! /p 💝💖🩷💞💘

-I know it’s widely accepted that Léon has true man hygiene but I digress, he has an extensive routine with his hair and hair care and spends ages on it to keep it soft

-Luis loves this and can not for the life of him keep his hands out of Leon’s hair

-Luis, for someone of his stature, has a massive appetite and finishes off Leon’s leftovers most of the time too (The typical pointing at his plate; “Are you gonna finish that?”)

-After a while of this happening, Léon starts to realise that Luis has a crazy huge appetite and everytime he’s “not been able to finish his food” was actually a ploy to convince Léon to eat something other than microwave dinners. He never says that he’s caught on.

-Luis struggles to stand long enough in the shower to actually wash himself and his hair without having to take really long breaks and as much as he tries to brush it off, he ends up asking Léon to sit in a bath instead and help him wash his hair

-Leon is an Overboard Gift Giver, he spends hundreds of dollars on gifts, there’s no such thing as a casual gift with him. It goes without saying that he absolutely spoils Luis

-Luis is a more sentimental gift giver, old romantic with roses and chocolates and that one thing Léon lingered on too long at the mall but ended up putting back..

-Leon’s Spanish capabilities greatly improve with Luis, who teaches him how to actually pronounce things too (“Boosco un policía.. veeno arkee” Headass HAHDHEHSH)

-Luis and Ashley are the best of friends, they scream Little Sister/Older Brother duo to me, Luis will do whatever she asks, from cooking dinner to listening to 2000s girly pop music while she does makeup

-Luis Doesn’t Know How to Button His Shirts All the Way Serra

-SOMEONE had a HC that Navarro was his maternal surname and Serra is his paternal last name and I don’t know whether that was you, @/hamartia-grander, @/Geddy-leesbian or someone else BUT I AGREE

-Idc Luis and Ada are actually best friends and Ada listens to Luis gossip about Léon for hours

-He takes a lot of pride in his appearance, it’s one of his only traits that could be attributed to vanity and he spends ages putting together the best outfit for different occasions, Leon has learnt to tell Luis at least an hour in advance when they’re going anywhere

-Leon has also taken to being more openly affectionate, Luis preens under his compliments and lights up for the rest of the day when Léon tells him he’s beautiful

IM CHOKING TOU ANS STRANGLIMG YOU AND SHAKING YOU SO LOVINGLY

ARE WE THE SAME PWEAON OR SOMETHING??????? DO WE HAVE THE SAME BRAIN?????????????????? CUZ I LITERALLY HAVE SOME OD THE EXACT AAME HEADCANNONS TOO?????????????? LIKE LEON SITTING IN TBE BATH TO HELP WASH LUIS’ HAIR OR LUIS BEING AN OLD FASHIONED SENTIMENTAL GIFT GIVER VS LEON GOING ALL OUT ON GIFTS AGABSGBWDYNXHXNZJSJSJANSJDJDJ IM GONNA GO FERAL THANK YOU SOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSOSO MUCH

Also the headcannon You’re thinking Of is by @geddy-leesbian !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[winterwump]

Hii can i request goo x gun nsfw hcs? 🥺 Love you, stay safe 💘

💚NSFW Headcanons for Gun x Goo💚

Author’s Note: 🚨THIS IS A MLM PAIRING, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE MLM SHIPS, KEEP IT PUSHING🚨 Hi Anon! I’m glad you requested this bc I ADORE these two more than I love most things!!! I REALLY hope you meant these two as a couple and not individually lol. I have made this mistake b4😅 Here's the SFW Headcanons 🩵 This is a LONG one so ENJOY!!!

Just to get this out of the way: They’re both switches!!! Fuck all of that heteronormative “who’s the top?” and “who’s the bottom?” bullshit.

They both think it's dumb and, there was a mutual understanding between the two that they don't mind going both ways with each other.

Sex happens in the most yee-yee ways. Like, at random while Goo is cooking, Gun decides that he wants to give head.

And 9 times out of 10, Goo is down for impromptu sex.

But funnily enough, Gun is not very likely to have a moment like the one previously described.

Gun would have to be super wound up sexually to just suck dick on Impulse lol.

They have matching sex drives…kinda.

I know that sounds like I contradicted myself from what I said about Gun, just hear me out please:

Both Gun and Goo have high sex drives, it’s just that Gun doesn't typically initiate sex and it takes him a while to get going (NO Gun does not have an erectile dysfunction lolol)

Goo, however, seems like he’s ready to go at all times, and he’s much more likely to initiate sex.

Goo is the type to drop random sexual innuendos into casual conversations that he’s having with Gun.

Like Goo is known for being “The Most Unserios Man on The Planet™”, but he’s not the type to be blatantly sexual even with Gun.

So chances are, if Goo is throwing out sex joke after sex joke, it's safe to say that Goo NEEDS to get off.

These two have mastered the art of a quickie and all variations of the proverbial quickie.

Handjobs under a table?- You got it!

Super GawkGawk-3000 WITH a facial while being chauffeured to an event? - They’ve done it (Lil Nasties lol)

Even though they’ve mastered the ancient art of being sexual deviants in public, Gun and Goo do find the time to have long-form bedroom fun.

Marathon sex. They have marathon sex. Albeit, not that often but the point still stands.

So when I say marathon sex, I mean upwards of 3 to 4 hours.

For context, sex on average last for about an hour (including foreplay). So these mfs are going at it.

But don't think that GG aren’t taking breaks throughout the marathon. Because trust me, they are. But with a caveat.

Marathon sex for GG is like a war of attrition. Think back to when they were in the sauna. Except for this time, they’re seeing which one of them cums first lol.

I lied in my SFW HC for these two when I said that paying for their penthouse was the only thing that they went 50/50.

I say that because whenever these idiots are doing their war of attrition, its split 50/50 on who cums first lol. 

But once they’re both completely spent and can't go anymore, these two don't cuddle. At least Gun doesn't

Gun: It's too damn hot for cuddling, move (Cuz Goo would, no doubt, would be sprawled out on Gun regardless of who topped)

Goo: Boo you’re no fun!! Don’t you wanna hold each other?

Gun: Fuck no.

Goo: Yea, I don’t blame you!

And Goo goes to sleep, while Gun has one last cigarette before going to sleep as well.

This was fun to write, and I really hope you enjoyed reading this. I still have some WIPS to get back to, and I’ll get to them…eventually lol. Anyways, feel free to comment and request stuff. My inbox is open so have fun. BYE!!!!

[nekoannie-chan]

Teamwork?

Title: Teamwork?

Fandom: Marvel, Captain America.

Ship: Steve Rogers & Brock Rumlow.

Word count: 242 words.

Square: 3 “Forcing themselves out of their handcuffs.”

Rating: Teen.

Summary: Brock and Steve have to do teamwork.

Major Tags: Handcuffing.

Additional tags: This is my entry to @seasonaldelightsbingo Language of flowers bingo. 63.

Links: Wattpad, Ao3, Spanish version.

@saiyanprincessswanie

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.

I don’t give any kind of permission for my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

Add yourself to my taglist here.

My other media where I publish:  Ao3, Wattpad, ffnet, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter. 

If you like it, please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.

Tags: @sinceimetyou @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @navybrat817 @angrythingstarlight @shield-agent78 @charmed-asylum @pandaxnienke @real-fbi @Smokeandnailz @white-wolf1940 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @xoxonotme @bluemusickid @leyannrae @Harrysthiccthighss @Marvelatthisone @caplanbuckybarnes @sapphire-rogers @lizzieolseniskinda @notyourtypicalrose @hallecarey1 @nana1000night @talia-rumlow @writingshae @alexxavicry @azulatodoryuga @daemonslittlebitch @chaoticcollectivenightmare @endlesstwanted @chemtrails-club  @marigoldreamer @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @Here4thefanfics @theestorm @patzammit @kmc1989 @somegirlfromasgard @rogersbarber

Steve and Brock anticipated that the mission would be straightforward; it was the typical steps: infiltrate, obtain crucial information, and leave undetected.

After hours, Steve and Brock found the control room; however, before they could access the information, a silent alarm went off.

"We've got company!" growled Brock, drawing his weapon as the doors automatically closed.

"Quick, we need to get out of here," said Steve, but at that moment, they were both caught in a mechanical trap. Handcuffs closed around both of them, holding them together.

"Damn it!" exclaimed Brock, yanking the chain.

"Relax; we have to find a way to get them off," said Steve, keeping his cool, but at the same time they started towards the exit. "Let's go to the maintenance room," Steve suggested after a while. "There must be tools in there we can use."

Brock grunted. He didn't like the idea of depending on Steve, but at that point, he had no choice.

They ran down the halls, and Steve started searching through the tools. He had already tried to break them using his strength, but it didn't work.

"Having fun, Cap?" asked Brock sarcastically as he looked around, looking for any enemies.

Steve grunted. They would have to force themselves somehow to break them. He ordered Brock to hold still, and he would use the shield.

Brock rubbed his wrist as soon as he was free; he was sure he wouldn't tell anyone what happened.

[inconsideratekidney]

10/3/24

happy october! i love spooky season, not for the spooks, but for the earthy tones and slight weather change. i have definitely not prepared myself enough for this cold weather and am in a bad mood lately, but i am very ready for this season. i like it better downstate because it's very fucking cold up here.....i don't like it thaaat much up here, but everyone i know and care about is up here, so yur. i also love wearing sweaters, cardigans, sweatshirts, fun socks, ugg slippers, PANTSSSS pacifically flare pants and jeans in general.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i like that my hair sits on my shoulders and has enough volume that it looks vibrant, but what i wouldn't do to have thin hair that is easy to put up in a ponytail and take care of. i hate how frizzy my hair looks about one hour after brushing it, how it takes so much effort to put it up and how often i see other people putting their hair up in such cute braids n shit! i want that. every day it sits awkwardly on my shoulders waiting for me to give enough of a fuck to do something about it. i also don't do anything to take care of my hair. i just hate it and stick with whatever it looks like. i don't blow dry my hair ever, i also don't wear makeup really. i only brush out my hair after it's mostly dry, then i brush it a little, cuz it just frizzes up and looks poofy and stupid when i brush it out. i don't like how time-consuming hair and makeup is. i would love to be an eyeliner and mascara girly, but eyeliner is so hard. im good with my mascara cuz i also don't want to look like im wearing anything. it's super cool to see the eye looks people come up with, but i wouldn't want people to always look at me even if it made me feel good to wear it and that i worked hard on it--if that makes people stare at me or look at me more than usual, i don't want it.

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why the hell is the boob rock all over the snapchat stories and why are these boobless computer science majors so invested in reincarnating it? it's so pathetic. get a life please.....stop bothering public safety to have to keep removing it after you guys keep replacing it......so odd and such freshman behavior. they also get so mad when you say that it's porn and upsetting women. sorry something you did upset someone else and you have to risk your ego. it's a dumb thing and honestly is such a tech school thing. sometimes i really wish i didn't go here....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my thumb hurts less, but still hurts. i am uncomfortable with the fact that it's not healing fully and that i can easily reinjure it if i am not careful....hate that. it lowkey feels broken..... it hurts in the bone area if i bend it outwards like in a direction your thumb doesn't typically go. this is like that doctor interaction:

"it hurts when i do this, doctor."

"then don't do that!"

i don't do it on purpose, it just happens when i do life. my bad, doc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there really are some people in my classes that stunt my learning. some people that talk during the lecture, fidget a ton and are too loud for my liking all throughout the lecture and they sit right next to me. i am referring to one person, but they really do piss me off. they weren't in class today, so i could pay attention better... i also had to ask for help with the lab and the person next to me was of little help and i wanted to cry after asking for his help because i still didn't understand what he said or whatever the fuck i actually have to do for the assignment. that assignment sucks and can kiss my ass. i hate statistics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this blog is all over the place as i am plopping ideas onto the page that have come up and are all that i can remember for the time being. sometimes i write these in multiple go's and i hate it because it lacks the continuity that i crave. i also love sitting down and writing it in one sitting because it develops a theme, but sometimes that theme is very tunnel-visioned and doesn't make any sense at all. this blog is not going in one single direction or even a couple, it's going in many directions and i couldn't care less this time to fix it because i feel like shit.

speaking of my blog and continuity--i want to try to post on either tuesdays or thursdays or both. thats what i did last week and it felt easier. thursdays appear to be the worst day out of my week consistently so i hope to get at least tuesdays.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

why do people have children? i mean seriously, why? because it's what other people do; because it's the expectations your parents set for you; because you want the population to keep going; because you really wanted to have a little girl since your own childhood for vague reasons at first, then realized you hated the way you were raised and want to do better for the next generation and you can't complain about the next generation going to shit when you aren't actively having children? yeah, these reasons are very pressuring. feels rough when i don't even really want children for myself, i just want to parent in a different way than my parents, and that in and of itself could be more harmful than just not having kids. idk. i probably will have kids so i don't feel useless in the future, but also, i don't want to pressure them to do anything they don't want to....idk....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i really dislike when people get so opinionated that they have blurred vision or even rose-colored glasses on. i want more opinions from different people, but it's also so overwhelming honestly. i need like a couple of business days to take in what people say to me, and that's way too long before people get bored or forget what five-second convo we had that i thought about for way too long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i scratched my watch against the wall when trying to get something in between my wall and my bed. it turns out my bed was too close to the wall and i want to truly throw it at the fucking wall because what the fuck. this thing gets scratched so easily and it pisses me off. i hope it goes away this time...it's happened before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am almost completely done decorating my room. got my mushrooms up, my butterflies have a home now, i put my mattress topper on my bed, and i removed the clutter from the ground. i gotta vacuum, build the shelf, put up some posters, and get a rug from target most likely. yipee!~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want more frilly socks cuz my typical socks pull on my hair and it hurts like a motherfucker.

i also have been sweating too much in this cold weather. gotta pick one or the other, babe. fuck my body and its stupid inequalities.

oki, goodnight y'all love you,

kD :p

[olderjodijournals]

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The good news is that the people next door left. The bad news is that we’ve been replaced with even noisier people who checked in last night. After a few hours of banging and them coming and going, I knew they wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon, not that it should take that long to set up house. They’re just your typical rude, inconsiderate, obnoxious assholes.

In other good/bad news, my incense came a day early, so that’s good. What isn’t is that I haven’t been able to get online all day. Michelle at the front desk said they’re still working on it. I mentioned next door and she said she’d talk to them, so we’ll see how they take to being complained on. The only thing that kept me from calling the office after midnight last night when they were still banging away was my sound machine and earplug. As long as I lay in bed with them I couldn’t hear much, but sitting here along the dividing wall was totally obnoxious. As I’ve been asking since 1992 now, what did I do to deserve to be so cursed with noise???

I’m also being pestered lately. First one of the housekeepers started to come in as I was finishing up peeing, thinking the room was vacant because the drapes were open. Then a guy knocked. He apparently had the wrong room. This happened yesterday. Tomorrow I have to hope the housekeeper doesn’t come too early. Then on Thursday or Friday, so they came to the door to let me know today, that they have to do their annual smoke detector and sprinkler inspection and we just have to be here at that time. So I’m trying to keep my schedule on days as long as I can hold it there.

Later…

As if we don’t have enough to deal with, the truck was broken into sometime last night. They pried the back open and stole the printer, the jump starter, and some tools. Fortunately, they missed some items of higher value, but still, ain’t God great to us? And I’m sure the little thief will not only receive full protection from the bastard above but probably something like a $1500 winning lottery ticket, too. And you know that if we were the type to break into vehicles, we’d not only get caught, but we’d get a sentence fit for a murderer, too! So Tom emptied the stuff that didn’t get stolen into storage and is now parking somewhere else.

Oh, they also stole his portfolio and birth certificate. He called and asked, and fortunately, no one can do anything with just a birth certificate alone. They’d need a photo ID, too. Still, it’s one more curse on us and more money to have to pay when he goes to order a new one.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I’m pleased to say that the rude assholes next door checked out this morning. I don’t know if Michelle spoke to them or not, but either way, they were obnoxious last night, too. I don’t know what the extent of it was because as soon as they started in with their shit, I threw the sound machine on and an earplug in my ear. I hope it stays empty for a while over there! I wish all these people could be like the guy on the end. Then it wouldn’t matter if every single room was occupied.

The pretty housekeeper from New Zealand came at noon and was soon joined by the Indian housekeeper. I wonder why they work in pairs so much of the time. They’re going to hope they can do so when we leave, cuz if that wonderful day ever arrives, the place will be filthy. The microwave will be trashed, the inside of the fridge will need wiping down, and the toaster and coffeemaker will need a thorough cleaning. On top of that, the dust in here will probably be an inch thick, and there’s still some bedding on the floor in the corner where the clothes are hanging that got kicked out of Tinkerbell’s cage.

I learned how to say hello in both Indi and Tongan. In Indian it’s kaysay, in Tongan it’s malolaylay. I’m sure they have different ways of writing the words, so I just wrote them out phonetically.

We weren’t back online till 2:30 this afternoon, and it said it was high-speed, though it’s not much faster. It’s still horribly unreliable too, so I doubt I’ll renew my OLS membership until we’re gone.

Tom’s now pretty sure he doesn’t want to be hired on where he’s working, so I’m surprised they don’t do so because of how good we are at getting what we don’t want. Unfortunately, it’s already coming up on Thursday and he’s only got 3 hours of overtime this week. He needs at least 10 a week to be right about us getting out of here in November. If he gets to work on Saturday, then we’ll be ok.

I wish I could work those extra 10 hours for him! Even if it was just to haul up carts of towels and sheets when I was awake to fold them.

The good news is that I definitely don’t see us here in January. I strongly vibe we’ll be gone by then. The question is if we’ll be gone in November or December.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Scratch that last sentence. The question is will we be gone tomorrow? And not to a house, but to wherever they’d bury us. Yeah, God’s really having a field day torturing us. The other question is, is it to compensate us for something good to come at work? To prevent us from something good at work? Or just to punish us simply for breathing, as usual?

See, yesterday at work they came out and asked him how soon he could start working second shift. Even though he had come to doubt there was any real future at the place, and still isn’t sure there is, he told them he could start right away. He’s been wanting second or 3rd shift all along so he could have time during business hours for other things. Once he got asked this, he said he knew something bad was going to happen.

Then there was my nasty dream premonition come true. Just like he sometimes gets solutions to problems in his sleep, I have dream premonitions. I dreamt the money wasn’t on the card, and I sent Tom a text message to let him know because I didn’t “feel” it was just a dream brought on by stress. As it turns out, the money’s there, but the card expired. They sent the new card to the old place right when we moved, and when it was returned to them, they didn’t even have the decency to let us know. So Tom called them and they said a new card was sent out Monday via 1st class mail, yet when he checked the mail place on Thursday, it wasn’t there. 1st class takes 3 days, so maybe it didn’t get picked up till Tuesday?

He then ran out of gas a mile away from here and had to park in the parking lot of a Jack-n-the-Box, the fast food place that’s all over the west except for K-Falls, Oregon. He walked back and we went hungry for the rest of the night since we were virtually out of food and living check to check until next week when we estimated we could finally start saving. But then we had to have some wonderful divine interference throw us this curveball just like I knew it would.

The stress has been a killer! I don’t know how many more of these security threats I can take, and having our lives be on the line every few days to a few weeks like it has been. The poster spirit I call Susie said the card would arrive today and that things would now start gradually improving just like they gradually went downhill. Tom said that made sense since we’ve now gotten over the major hurdles that could cause us to end up on the streets, thus killing ourselves to get out of having to suffer that kind of life. He pointed out that he was wrong about the truck having an internal engine problem (it would’ve broken down by now), and that of all the things that go out on vehicles, it’s fine, and that the new card will be good for 3 years if we can ever get it in time.

But I’m not convinced. If there’s one thing I’ve learned lately it’s that it doesn’t take much to really turn a person’s life upside down, if not destroy their life completely. I’m sick to death of having my very existence threatened and struggling for the simplest fucking things in life! Why are the barest of necessities such a struggle to get lately?! Why can’t God or whatever evil that’s trying to drive me crazy and maybe even to our deaths just leave us the fuck alone and go pick on someone else?! I just want a decent place to live, but we can’t even have that. Not anytime soon, if ever at all. I’m thoroughly convinced there’s no place for us. There really isn’t. A simple, peaceful house is just a dream. Just a total dream that can never happen. It’s either settle or die. If we’re not willing to live in misery, our only other choice is to die. And we’ll have to die if the card isn’t there tomorrow for damn sure because we wouldn’t be able to stay anywhere, and he couldn’t get to work anyway.

On Thursday evening I gave him the couple of bucks I had in my purse and he walked back to the truck to put gas in it to drive it back here. He didn’t feel it was worth risking running out of gas by going to the mail place today since we don’t have to check out till tomorrow. Instead, today he walked a total of 6 miles to and from Walmart and got us some food with the remaining few bucks he had. When he got back he called the mail place and the guy said I had a Mary letter and “two pieces of junk mail.” Well, what gave us a slight bit of hope was knowing that the envelope the card was in would look like junk mail. Most cash and credit card envelopes have the address of the person it’s going to in a window, then usually just a PO Box for a return. Logically speaking, if they sent it to the right address, which Tom verified online, and if God didn’t make sure it got lost or went to someone else, and it was sent 1st class on Monday or even Tuesday as they said, then there’s no reason it shouldn’t be there by tomorrow if it isn’t already.

We would still rather not find it’s not there when he goes to check tomorrow and be forced to kill ourselves, especially since Tom wouldn’t want to do that as much as I would. I’m honored that someone could love me enough to not want me to die alone, but I would feel more like I was murdering him, than that it was a mutual thing, not that he doesn’t get fed up with life enough of the time himself.

So tomorrow he’s going to see if we can check out an hour later, which he thinks they’ll let us do. He said he’s been in the office when others have asked to check out an hour or two later and were told they could. Also, Michelle works weekends, and she’s turned out to be the nicest so far. So he’s going to explain the problem with the card to her, hopefully get us a little extension, then go out and see if the card’s there. If it isn’t, we have stuff to pawn so there’s enough gas for killing ourselves tomorrow night. The last thing we want to do is botch things up and make our lives even worse. According to Tom’s research, he thinks we’d be able to go quicker and less painfully in the truck as opposed to the bathroom here. We’d also have the truck’s exhaust, too. Many have killed themselves by putting a hose extension on their exhausts which they piped into an enclosed area.

The stress is really getting to me! We’ve now had half a dozen or so crises and it’s scary as hell, but mostly I’m depressed, and even more so I’m angry. I’m sick of being picked on like this! What have Tom and I ever done that was so bad to deserve a life of hell like this? I just want to thumb my nose at society and live a sheltered life in a nice peaceful little house and only go out once every week or two, but no. I can’t even have that much. The more I try to avoid people, the more I get stuck with them and thrown into where there are plenty of them. God would just love me for settling for an apartment with tons of people and chaos, but He’s not getting His way on that one! He will have to drive us to our deaths first because we’re through settling!

I feel the same as I would if some trigger-happy psycho were breaking in here every so often and teasing me with my life, holding a gun to my head, making it as if he was going to shoot me, then pulling the gun away, and back and forth and back and forth.

I’m torn between wanting to live and wanting to die, but am perfectly ready to go if the card’s not there. Anything’s better than the streets, even death. However, a part of me wants to live to see if we ever do make it out of here, even if we still have to live on someone else’s driveway and with their dogs and music, too. I also want to listen to my stereo again, sleep in my own bed, and enjoy the rest of my belongings that���s been in storage. I miss high-speed internet without all the damn crashing and hang-ups.

But I’m also so damn tired of life. Totally, honestly tired of it! A part of me hopes the card’s not there so I can die and miss out on a lot of shitty things. Our lives can never be what we want them to be, I don’t like the idea of growing older, fatter, and maybe arthritic or developing cancer, diabetes, and whatever other health problems. I don’t want to live to have to deal with another stress-filled, scary crisis. Sooner or later it’s not going to be just a “close call.” I don’t want to live to deal with my teeth, even though they’ve been amazingly good to me since we moved. I don’t want to deal with my ear, even though that’s been better since we started oiling it. I don’t want to live here long enough to find out what my new health problems will be that I seem to get whenever I move. I don’t want to listen to people’s shit and struggle financially.

If the card is there, however, then we’ll at least have a choice. We’ll probably pay for another week here, see what happens at work, which we’re both curious about and then who knows? We talked about him working part-time either at night or during the daytime if they really do put him on second shift, and also selling plasma. Tom’s done it before and says it’s boring because you have to sit hooked up to machines for a couple of hours, but they’ll pay around $15 and you can do it up to twice a week. If the price was right, I wouldn’t mind doing this when my schedule permitted it. I could read or listen to my iPod while I was doing it.

A part of me wishes people didn’t need to piss, shit and take showers, and that I wasn’t such a light sleeper. Then we could live in the truck and really get into a place fast. We could park at Walmart when he wasn’t working, and at his job, of course, when he was.

I don’t know what to make of the dream I had recently of winning big. Tom said if I can have dream premonitions like I did about the card, then why not that?

Because God doesn’t usually want us having much money, that’s why, is all I can think of. And if He’s decided He wants us to die now, the card won’t be there tomorrow, and this will be the last entry I ever write, just one day after my 10th quit-smoking anniversary.

So many we-should-haves run through my mind, even though I know it’s pointless. We “should have” stayed in Phoenix and taken the safer misery. Yes, it would be noisy as hell, but the house would’ve been all paid for years ago. Noise is annoying, but can’t usually hurt us. Or maybe we “should have” stayed in the Oregon dump. Yes, it was too cold, I hated the snow, he hated his job, it could be noisy, the insurance and tax laws were fucked up, we hated the house and the restrictive hours and lack of stores and restaurants, but the rent was cheap, he made a lot of money, and we had so few bad days during the two years we were there. We had fun with Tinkerbell and the shopping sprees we’d go on.

Tom had been curious to check online obituaries. I thought you had to pay for those, but while most don’t tell you the cause of death or who they’re survived by, there was a 2005 obit in Phoenix for a Raymond which Tom thinks is his brother. Ray, who would’ve been 57 in ‘05, had health problems caused by a fall he had many years ago. Then he contracted hepatitis C before they knew it even existed from a blood transfusion.

The guy on the end broke his peaceful record for an hour or so yesterday before Tom got in by having a couple of chicks visit him that was loud. Every 10 minutes or so they’d come out of the room and hang out close to our door. I finally got curious enough to see what the hell they were doing, and they were smoking since they have a non-smoking room too, and can’t smoke in there. He said he was sorry if they were too noisy, then they took off. I later knocked on his door to see if he’d buy the gunsight for $20, which I’d have let him know was worth $250 and that he could sell it for more if he wanted to, yet he wasn’t there.

They did the inspection thing today and that went quickly and quieter than I thought it would. I had been up an hour before they came, too.

Since Mary’s in jail and Paula wouldn’t know what to do with the damn thing, I left a note in my address file, as well as on my desktop calendar, just in case someone searches this thing for clues as to why we killed ourselves if we do, to ship it to Jessie.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Here we are, back in the land of the living after being on death row for 11 days, and probably closer to death than ever before in our lives. Of all the things we thought of that could go wrong upon coming here, we missed one. I would’ve liked to have documented the nightmare as it unfolded, but it was either not convenient to do so or I was just too distraught. This has got to be my biggest gap in entries in years! It’s been 15 days. We were granted a reprieve on the 15th, Mary’s 30th birthday, and since then I’ve been recuperating, gaining back my strength and sanity, as well as catching up on sweeps. They did go broadband, after all, so now I can do the dailies and Netwinner normally. My OLS membership expired on the 2nd and I decided to renew it last night since they’ve really improved the connection here.

I will try to remember all the things we did, felt, and thought during the hell we went through as best I can. The real hell didn’t begin till Saturday the 6th. I know I wrote that I dreamt the money wasn’t there on the 4th, my 10-year quit-smoking anniversary, even though I didn’t know why. Also, I sent Tom a text message about it, even though it did no good. Yeah, that’s the sucky part of being psychic. Just because some of us can see bad things coming doesn’t mean we can do anything to stop them. I really had trouble sleeping there for a while too, even when it was quiet. Not just because of the killer stress, but because I was afraid of what I might dream. Tom handled things well, but I was a basket case all the way, filled with fear, sadness, anger and stress. It was unbelievable! I had the runs 3 times a day, my ear was killing me, and it felt like a cement paver was sitting on my chest. The stress took its toll on me more so than the lack of food did. It really made those little things I’d complain about seem like no big deal, and those “big” things like the door slamming, the microwave’s carousel not working, the refrigerator leaking (although they fixed that) became such little nuisances I longed to have back as my worst problems, along with the waiting game, not knowing how long it’d take to get into a place.

These types of ordeals really make you see things differently and want to change some of your ways for the better and trust me, it was a life-changing experience! We can never know for sure, but I have my theories as to why it all happened. Yes, I’ve learned a lot from this horrible experience, like how important it is to scatter your money, get receipts, spend less and save more (I swear I’m going to be as obsessed with saving as I was with shopping), and never ever cuss out God no matter how pissed you get at your situation and no matter how unfair and cruel it may seem!!! I think this may be a big part of why we were so cursed, but like I said, we can never know for sure. After all, innocent children fall under even more serious curses, yet what did they supposedly ever do to deserve it? Tom thinks the queen started having health problems cuz she got pissed at God when Dad died, but who knows? It could’ve been just age and stress. It could’ve also been that someone she pissed off had a nasty influence on her as well.

We were scheduled to check out on Saturday the 6th. With not much more than a few bucks to our names, we went to the mail place pretty sure that the new card would be there. But it wasn’t. So now we were officially homeless and my worst fears had now come true, even though our stuff was safely locked away in storage (thank God this didn’t happen on the 1st!) and he had a job. What made it even scarier was knowing that the following Monday, the 8th, was a holiday! And it would’ve been unbearably terrifying had Tom let me in on a little secret. Normally I’d want to strangle him for holding back, but he did the right thing in this case. You see, had he told me that he was told that the card wouldn’t be coming till between the 10th and 15th, which usually means the last day they give you, it would’ve pretty much stamped out any remaining hesitations I had about suicide. I didn’t think we were going to have a choice for a while there anyway. Meaning, I thought we were dead for sure either way. I thought that even if we wanted to live, there would be no way we could and that we’d eventually starve off and die. So in the beginning I thought it may be better to get it over with in the 2-3 minutes to 2-3 hours they say it takes to die from carbon monoxide in the way we were planning to kill ourselves with it, rather than slowly die in the streets of hunger, nerves and exhaustion. I’ve had my share of nightmares before and as rough as they were, my survival wasn’t so on the line like it was this time around. That “trigger-happy psycho” wasn’t just teasing us with just a close call. There really, really appeared to be no way out at first! Even jail was easier than this because I knew there was an end to it sooner or later.

So anyway, the new card had been sent to Oregon, then returned because they don’t forward 1st class mail. The screw-ups at Wired Plastic, which is the company the card was from, didn’t even have the decency to call and ask why it was returned. It was so frustrating knowing that the money was there, we just couldn’t access it! To make matters worse, they were paying Tom via direct deposit at work and the equally screwed up idiots at the temp agency said they couldn’t stop the next check from being directly deposited and cut him a check unless the card was canceled altogether. But we couldn’t cancel a card we didn’t have!

The only thing that came Saturday was a pair of running shoes I won, but I was too freaked out to pay much attention to them. When the card didn’t come that day and we were out of money, food and a place to stay, I wished like never before that Jessie or Paula were local so I could beg for a piece of their living room floor in exchange for me cooking, cleaning, babysitting, and Tom fixing whatever needed fixing. But all those who gave a damn about us were either far away or in jail, and we were on our own. There were no little corners of anyone’s living room floor to run to.

The plan was to find a place secluded enough to kill ourselves in the back of the truck that night, but we never could find such a place. No one would notice the coals glowing, but the way they flare up initially certainly would’ve drawn unwanted attention and intervention.

Unsure of when we’d be able to kill ourselves, we first stopped at storage to pick up things we thought we could sell and to dump off things that were useless and in our way. Remember, this truck is very small. As I stood there looking at our stuff, it pissed me off to think that someone would get what cost us thousands for just $87 once we were dead and the stuff was auctioned off. I had the urge to start smashing things, figuring I’d make our deaths less profitable if I could help it, but never bothered to.

Next we set out to sell some of those “worthless” wins I’ll never again call worthless. He’d already pawned the GPS, so we had to do our best to find places to sell stuff. We ended up selling between 30-50 CDs and DVDs for an amazing $76! Thank God Tom went in and asked if they’d take them first because that’s when he saw the sign that said: All CDs and DVDs must be used, and no, you cannot go outside and remove the shrinkwrap!

While we waited for them to go through the stuff, we hopped across the street so I could use the bathroom at a convenience store, my anger towards God growing by the minute as Tom struggled to keep his sandals from falling apart, something I didn’t think he deserved to be doing at his age and with how hard he works. Some employees had smocks and coats hanging in the corner of the bathroom. I checked the pockets but didn’t find anything good other than a knife used for cutting boxes open.

Despite being worried about how we were going to make it until the card came, I was glad to be out of the motel and free of the door slamming and things like that. Besides, I figured it would be too hard for me to return, knowing that I’d only be paranoid about getting thrown on the streets again. Yet as I would learn, it’s amazing how you can miss the very things you’d been hoping to escape, and in just a few hours, too!

We stopped for some fast food, then tried to home in on free WiFi internet access somewhere, but were unable to do so. We wanted to find a Walmart that allows RVs to park in their parking lot, but as I reminded Tom, this wasn’t jail. Meaning that the security trucks weren’t going to shine their lights in people’s vehicles looking for anyone who might be sleeping in them. Still, we knew we had to worry more about them kicking us out than we did about anyone harming us. I was too furious for anyone to do much damage to us anyway!

We first wasted time and gas checking out a rest stop over towards Reno that was almost as high in elevation as Klamath. It felt like we were back there all over again. The sun hadn’t fully set by the time we got up there yet it was already freezing. We knew that if it could be in the 40s at that time, it was certainly going to be beyond freezing in the morning!

So we left “Oregon” and headed for the casino, figuring there’d be too much activity around for us to really stand out in any way. First, though, we used some of the money we made selling stuff to get some food and gas, and of course there seemed to suddenly be mattress stores on every block! Once we got to the far end of the casino’s parking lot, we moved some stuff into the cab and tried to make the back as comfortable as possible. Although it had been warm in the afternoon, it was now pretty chilly. It wasn’t too bad with me sandwiched between the comforter, but it wasn’t exactly toasty either, and we still had a lot of shit back there in the way. So we lay huddled together, listening to the trains and people passing by. One couple looked towards the back of the truck at one point but didn’t appear to notice us.

Tom was afraid to fall asleep and start snoring, so he went inside the casino and played a penny machine for a buck, so he wouldn’t stand out in any odd way. He also wanted me to have a chance to get some rest, but I was way too wound up to do so. As I lay there cramped in that small, old, uncomfortable, miserable truck, I mentally cussed God out like never before. I hated Him so intensely and was literally shaking with rage. I didn’t understand why we were being singled out and picked on like we were. We were just two people who only wanted a modest home that was at least relatively peaceful, but even that was too much to ask for. I even wondered if we were being punished for not settling for an apartment, since I’ve always believed that’s where God wants me, with plenty of people and chaos, yet we tried to settle for that upon moving down here and it didn’t do us any good.

As much as I knew it wouldn’t do us any good, I started beating myself up for not staying in Phoenix and just dealing with their shit next door. We would’ve been miserable with all the chaos, and I never cared for that house itself, but it would’ve been the safer misery, considering that the house would’ve been all paid for years ago.

Unable to get comfortable with the floor of the truck being so rippled, I went into the casino. It was smoky, but warmer in there. I couldn’t find Tom right away, so I had him paged. Together we went into the same restaurant we ate in the last time we were there and got coffee and water for me and soda for him.

At one point we got to talking to our waitress, Dee, about our situation. She offered us some hot soup at her cost, but we declined, as nice as it was of her to offer. She suggested we check out KOA (Kampgrounds of America), saying that they did have showers and that it was free as long as you didn’t have an RV or a camper.

Afterward, Tom said he doubted it was free. He and his family camped for many summers when he was a kid, and he said they’d always avoid KOAs because they were more expensive. The research we finally did later on proved him right, too. Even with just a regular vehicle, we couldn’t have gotten anything cheaper than $30 a day. The state campground charges $15 a day, and we may check into this more. We’re not sure yet at this time just what we’re going to do. It’s one of those catch-22s. Yes, it would be cheaper to camp out, but we’d have to invest in some camping gear, and we’d both be put out big time. The biggest problem would be not being able to go online. I could give Jessie my username and password to check for win notices, but we wouldn’t be able to sell things on eBay, and we’d be put out in lots of other ways, too. So campgrounds are up in the air right now. I do know one thing, though, cheaper or not, I hate camping!

The truck itself was something I came to have mixed emotions for. I hate the heap of shit, but there’s certainly no way we could’ve done anything without it! You really do need a vehicle to get around a place this big. Without it, there’d be no way to sell things, for him to get to work or a place for us to stay when we couldn’t stay here.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Continuing on with our 11-day nightmare: We left the casino an hour or two before sunrise and went to a Walmart parking lot. I lay in the cab while he went in to pee and check out camping equipment. It wasn’t until 6:00, when we went to storage again for something we’d forgotten, that I was finally able to get a few minutes of sleep while he was going through things.

We then had to wait till 11:00 for what seemed to be the most promising of pawnshops to open. While Tom was dealing with them, I remembered Mary’s saying that the more we alienate God, the more chaos we invite into our lives, and wondered if perhaps she could be right after all. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to laugh at that one, I thought, so I prayed to God to please give us a break. I told Him He could continue to hate us, but just please, please give us a break at least temporarily! I promised never to cuss Him out again if He’d just ease up on us. Well, we were still many days away from our reprieve, but as Tom said, it’s important I keep my word to Him because there had to be some reason someone was suddenly giving us $65 for a diamond no one else would touch since it was uncut.

What was funny, though not at first, was that Tom had to come and get me to pawn the stuff in my name because he left his license at the casino which he picked up the next day, and he certainly didn’t want to say this in front of the guys in the store, figuring they wouldn’t be as sympathetic if he did. So that day, Sunday the 7th, we pawned the diamond, the camera and the laptop. I hated to pawn the laptop, but it bought us a night back in the motel and in the same room, too.

I met Michelle for the first time. She’s a heavy redhead who didn’t give us much of a deal other than to charge us for one person instead of two, which costs $70 instead of $40 if you don’t pay for the room online through Hotwire or one of the other sites that cuts deals with various motels. She also said I could wait in the office at check-out time until Tom got back, hopefully with the card, and hopefully to pay for additional nights here.

So back we went to this room, which now seemed so much bigger. I guess being cramped in a tiny truck can make most rooms seem bigger. After just 45 minutes of sleep in 30 hours, I slept on and off for 14 hours. It was so nice to be back in a room with a bed, some space, a shower, sink and toilet, but I was paranoid about being thrown on the streets again.

It sucked not having the laptop. Between not having that or much food to eat and my nerves being stretched to the max, all I could do was just lay in bed and fret, though I also prayed for help like crazy, too. Each day Tom returned without the card made me feel more and more doomed, although I continued to keep my word about not cussing God out.

Although we had a roof over our heads for the night, Tom didn’t have the gas money to make it to work on Monday or to buy us food. For several days in a row, we had barely 500 calories of food a day, and I was reminded of just how much I hate dieting and probably never will again. I’d be 200 pounds before I went through anything half as terrifying and stressful again! I definitely did lose weight, though, and wouldn’t be surprised if I dropped to 120. I’m up 5-10 pounds or so, but my tummy’s still messed up. I haven’t had the runs since the nightmare ended, but I’m not back to normal in that department yet either.

Each day I’d go through whatever dreams I remembered, mentally discarding most of them into my mind’s wastebasket. But one dream stood out and made me wonder if there was a message in it. It was a dream where I was congratulating a woman on having twins. It took me a while to figure out what it could mean. Then I wondered if it could mean life. The cycle of life. Was it a sign that life went on and that it would for us as well?

The next day, Monday the 8th, Tom used what little gas was in the truck to sell the autographed guitar for $20 and the Lasergrips gun sight for $40. We didn’t know this, or else we’d have sold the diamond, but that pawnshop buys things as well as lets you pawn them. The guy said we could pawn it for $20 or sell it for $40, so naturally, we sold it.

The 3 things we wanted back were the camera, the GPS and the laptop. I’m glad to say I got the laptop back a few days ago! They gave us 4 months to get the stuff. I’m going to let the diamond go, but we’ll be back for the camera soon. It was $93 to get the laptop back and will be $21 for the camera, and $30 for the GPS, which has been pawned elsewhere, and which he plans to buy back soon.

So now we had another night paid for, but still not enough for food, and definitely not enough gas to get into work, so Tom called both the temp agency and the card company and was now getting different stories from them. The temp agency was now saying that yes, they could stop the direct deposit, but not that week. The card company was now saying they could express us a new card if we didn’t get it by Monday and also that we could transfer money if we could get into the account. Yet when Tom specifically asked about expressing the card the week before, they said they couldn’t do that.

Nonetheless, Tom had enough gas to get into work, but not back again. He was worried about losing his job at this point, but when he called and spoke to the boss lady early Tuesday morning, she said she’d give him the money to get back. In fact, she really surprised us with her generosity and gave him $100! Thank God people find him as likable as they find me weird, eccentric and even scary!

Despite her generosity in which Tom plans to reimburse her for tomorrow, we were far from out of the woods, and things were about to really come to a head. The $100 bought us a roof over our heads for Tuesday night and got us a little more food and gas. After these things were paid for, however, we were right back to square one. Completely broke.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

By Wednesday the 10th, the card still hadn’t come and we were faced with having to return to the streets once more. If one day of that nearly killed me, however, then a few or more certainly would! If we’d had a camper or even a bigger, newer, more comfortable truck, van or SUV, that’d be different. But even if we could live forever in our vehicle, we still need money for food and gas, and well, it’s nice to be able to take showers and wash clothes, too!

Wednesday was the most miserable day. I felt so out of touch with reality and just life itself. I truly believed that life as I’d known it for the most part was over and that we’d done all we could to try to save ourselves. As I lay in bed trembling and crying while he was at work, I told myself, “Face it, there’s no getting out of this one. You tried your best, but you simply can’t fix this one. Your time’s up here in this life. It’s time to move on now, so you better just focus on the good in dying.”

After all, I never did want to grow old, arthritic, and maybe get cancer or diabetes. And while I have no regrets about not having kids and having to deal with the burdens and expenses they’d have brought for 20 years or so, not having them meant having no one to look out for us in the end, and that was always scary to me, too. I also kept in mind that the stereos would only keep getting louder, people weren’t about to quit leaving their dogs out to bark all the time, and we’d probably never get to live where we wanted. So what would be the point in carrying on anyway just to be forced by fate to settle for this and settle for that? Although people like to think otherwise, life really isn’t what we plan it for the most part, so why bother?

I wrote a note to be copied for both our families. I also left messages I wanted given to Jessie, Paula and Mary. I explained that while neither of us wanted to die, it angered and frustrated us to know that our lives depended on a lousy piece of plastic, people did need money to live on, like it or not. I urged them not to be sad or mad, and to keep in mind that there are plenty of pros to not living as there are to living. I gave user name and password information for my online journals, stories and photo albums, including the location of the storage and mail places. I said that while I still had nothing to say to my brother or to Tom’s mother, who stopped caring years ago, to tell my sister (the drama queen) that she’s a bitch, but I forgive her, even though in reality I’m not sure that I ever could.

I asked that Jessie be told, “I hope you make it to the land of Disney magic!”

I wanted Mary told, “You really do have balls of brass.”

Lastly, I wanted Paula told, “Hey stranger, write more often!” since she never writes. It was the hardest thing I ever wrote, fully believing at the time that we’d be dead in a matter of hours.

A picture of our tombstones came to mind and I pictured the dates on them and wondered where we’d be buried. Not that it would matter since we would soon no longer be needing our bodies, but I was naturally curious just the same. Would they separate us and ship me back east? Would they bury us both down in Arizona? California?

I missed Tinkerbell like crazy but was glad she wasn’t there to have to go through this shit with us. I was glad I wouldn’t have to wonder what would become of her as well.

And then the paranoia set in. We were going to kill ourselves at midnight when we knew there’d be less chance of someone knocking, be it because they had the wrong room, wanted to change TV stations, inspect sprinklers, inspect smoke detectors, etc. But speaking of detectors, wasn’t it the law for motels to have carbon monoxide detectors set in their vents?

Now, everything that could possibly go wrong started running through my mind. I asked the guy on the end if he could possibly help us, but that was a waste of time and I felt like an idiot for trying.

Next came the feelings of guilt. I felt bad that I wasn’t a better influencer, and the thought that I may’ve “jinx-written” Tom’s death by having him die in one of my stories made me feel all the more miserable. I promised to change that character’s identity if I lived. I also felt that if I truly was in any way responsible for getting us into this mess by cussing God out, then I should be the one to try to fix it.

Then I became both sad and angry at the little things we wouldn’t live to do if I couldn’t figure something out, and fast, too. I didn’t care if I never got another doll again, but I wanted to see Tom do the hobbies he enjoyed, like watching TV, playing computer games, and even trying to fine-tune those damn handicapping numbers. Those stupid little things became such a big deal all of a sudden and my stubbornness was kicking in, and so was that survival instinct we all have. I wanted to live to listen to my stereo again, to see my dolls if I didn’t have to sell them, to hang my wind chimes, to learn Italian, and to finish my stories. After all, even though it may take quite a while and Jessie has enough to read of mine for some time to come, I promised to send her both The Influencer and We’ll Meet Again Someday once they’re finished. I also wanted to do silly things like laugh at the Klammers, Jessie and Paula when it was cold and snowing on them.

I lay there thinking of the things I’d do differently if I could figure out a way out of this mess. I knew I still would never be religious due to how strict, structured and narrow-minded religion expects you to be, and I wouldn’t go to church, buy religious icons or start bopping out to religious tunes, but I would return to the basic prayers I stopped doing up in Oregon. It wasn’t until I stopped praying for the basic necessities in life that things started going downhill. I told myself I’d try to be more grateful for what we do have and less resentful for what we didn’t have. After all, we simply weren’t meant to have the same lives or incomes any more than we’re meant to have the same personalities and preferences.

I realized I was afraid to die, not knowing if I would truly be going to a better place or what. More so I was afraid of the dying process and how slow and painful it may be, than actually being dead. Tom, on the other hand, was never afraid to die. He just didn’t want to. I don’t think anyone literally wants to. They just want to be happy and have the things they need in life. Even so, I remember thinking to myself, this is what it must feel like to be on death row. But even that would’ve been easier because you’re dead in seconds. Dying the way we were going to could take hours. It probably would’ve taken just a few minutes, but the possibility of it taking hours was pretty scary.

This was when I realized that the only way I could kill myself without hesitation would be if anything happened to Tom. I still don’t think we’ll ever get to “go home,” and find our ideal little corner of the universe, but I’d happily settle for those little things I was starting to miss like crazy.

Now totally desperate, I knew there was only one thing left to try, even if it may be a long shot. It was a last resort and definitely not something I wanted to do, seeing that it was kind of humiliating. But our need to survive overrode any embarrassment I might’ve felt, and thanks to my impeccable memory, I remembered Mary’s number. I was surprised she accepted the collect call from me in the first place. Maybe she did so not knowing if I were calling to say that Tom died or something like that, since it was my voice she was hearing as the caller requesting that she accept the charges. Knowing that she and the Queen wouldn’t care to help, I asked that she contact my parents in Florida who don’t accept collect calls. Sure enough, she didn’t offer to help, but asked what was wrong before she made the call, so I told her. While I’m grateful to her for contacting my folks, she never did care to call back if only to see how we were.

I’d have called my folks directly, but the phone charger accidentally got tossed in storage and the phone was dead.

After hanging up with Miss Perfect, each minute seemed to equal a dozen, but I knew all I could do was wait and hope for the best at that point. If no one would help us, we would have to carry on killing ourselves as planned. I couldn’t stay on this emotional rollercoaster forever anyway.

The phone rang a few minutes later. I snatched it up to find both my parents on the line. I explained the situation as best I could for being as freaked out as I was and with them being in their mid-70s and not as sharp-minded. At first my mother said $100 was the best she could do, saying that medical expenses were leaving them tight. I wondered if she was playing down their money, knowing they’d done that in the past. Yet I also knew that social security only covered the bare minimum and that you had to be the one to pay for anything extra.

This was when she told me she’d had her own problems, too. She smoked for over 55 years and had 40% of one lung removed before she quit smoking last January, plus she had breast cancer surgery as well. As lousy of a mother as she was, this really sucked to hear.

She also informed me that Goldie, Al, Jimmy and Marty had passed on. Marty, I couldn’t care less about but the others saddened me. I asked about Charlotte and mom says she’s ok.

She also wanted to make it clear to me that I was the only one she’d ever helped and that she never helped Larry or Tammy, as I assumed was the case. Either way, it didn’t matter who she had or hadn’t helped. It only mattered that someone helped us or else we’d be dead. And real soon, too.

Well, to say that they helped us turned out to be quite an understatement! Even though we still weren’t free and clear, they ended up doing a hell of a lot more than just helping. They saved us! They faxed in payment to the motel for two nights, and expressed a surprisingly generous amount of money to us here at the motel, too. They sent $300 when we thought they’d send around $50, which would hardly have helped at all.

So now I have seriously mixed emotions where my parents are concerned. They say things happen for a reason. I wonder if this happened because we were meant to be reconnected again. I’ve learned that we can push people away so that they can’t offend or hurt us, but then they can’t love or help us either. I feel for them in light of their problems and am so very grateful for them saving us. It doesn’t undo the horrible things they’ve done to me in the past, but it helps to compensate for some of it. On the other hand, these are still the people who made my life hell and have given me a lifetime of horrible memories, so it’s a real mental tug-of-war for me.

They called back on Thursday, the 11th, to let us know that the money would arrive between 10:00 and noon. The front desk called at 11:30 to let me know it had arrived, but since it was in Tom’s name, I had to let him pick it up after work. This was ok, though, because we still had some food we got with the money his boss lent him.

They never did call back after that and a part of me is hoping that’s just their way of saying, “Ok, we helped pull you out of the quicksand, and now you’re on your own again cuz of how different we are.” Either way, we fully intend to pay them back unless they write back saying not to, although it will take a while. That was another tough decision I had to make; whether or not to give them any contact information. Since she said she didn’t do email, and since I haven’t liked phones since quitting smoking, I decided just to give the UPS address in the 6-page letter I wrote them explaining why we left Oregon, why we chose to come here, what we hoped to accomplish, etc. I asked that they not give the address to Larry or Tammy, explaining that I wanted no contact with them. I said that while there may be safety in numbers on the streets, I truly believed it was just the opposite with relations and that the more people involved, the more likely there’d be some bickering. I doubt Larry would want contact with me any more than I’d want it with him, but Tammy might.

I had to laugh at one point when I remembered Mom asking who I was with. I guess she wondered if I’d dumped Tom for some chick. Well, as I told her, no chance there! I said we were only human and quick to recognize something good-looking when it passed by, but our hearts have remained in the same place. I joked about how they must’ve had their own share of eye candy over the years having been married nearly 60 years now.

Josephina, my favorite housekeeper from New Zealand, who’s getting better looking by the minute, came to do the room on the 11th. She took one look at me and knew something was wrong. I filled her in as best I could with our accents being a bit hard to understand, and she said she lived in her parent’s house with her two sisters, so she couldn’t take me in, but knew someone she could call. I guess the person ran a rooming house. Not exactly the ideal place for us, but if it wasn’t going to cost anything and we were out of choices, so be it, so I gave her the cell number.

She didn’t call until Friday, just when I was beginning to think she was one of those typical people who say they’re going to do something that they don’t. I wondered why she didn’t have the decency to at least let me know if she could help or not. Well, she did let me know after all. She left a message saying she was having trouble reaching anyone, but it would turn out that we wouldn’t need her help, thank God. She returned to clean the room a week later and asked if we ever had to leave, saying she’d been worried. This was after the nightmare finally ended. I gave her some incense as a way of thanking her.

Watch, now that I kind of like her, she’ll either quit or she just won’t be around for a while. All the good-looking or super-nice people end up leaving. She’s not only friendly, but she’s also about 5’6”-5’8”, thin, with dark hair and eyes. She’s a little young, maybe in her late 20s, and has some zits, but is attractive otherwise. She wears her hair in a high-pitched ponytail that she braids, but I’d guess it’d be to the middle of her back when it’s down.

All the while this was going on, I was hoping Jessie was too busy to check her mail and start putting two and two together, just in case we were to make it through the nightmare after all. I didn’t want to worry her.

Come Friday, while I was waiting for him to get back from work, and hopefully with cash from the money order my folks sent, I started to have one of my bad feelings again. I knew he was having difficulty cashing it. I thought it was because he had an Arizona license with an Oregon address, but as he would later tell me, it was because they were having trouble getting ahold of anyone in Florida to verify it. So while I was trying not to panic all over again, he searched the phone book for check-cashing places to call. He called one and they said they’d cash it. So after he got it cashed, he paid for just one night, hoping to set up the desktop the following day so we could book 3 nights for the price of 2 through Hotwire, using the new debit card he got for just $10, called Netspend. He deposited most of the money onto it. This new card should be much better. Unlike the other joke of a card, if anything’s ever wrong with Netspend you can go into any place that sells them and get a new card, and they’re cheaper to use as well. As soon as we can, we’re dropping Wired Plastic like a hot potato!

Needing to get the hell out of this room, we went to Walmart for some groceries. It was nice to be out doing normal things like that. I hoped it was a sign that our lives would soon be back on track. At least the wins were starting to go up again, even though I’d still only gotten small things like shower gel and books.

The next day, Saturday the 13th, I saw the first break in the trees, even though we weren’t officially out of the woods yet.

Tom built a makeshift antenna for the desktop, went online and attempted to transfer half of the money from the Wired Plastic card, which was then up to $850, over to the new card.

I saw that Jessie was starting to wonder what was up with me, whom I dreamt about the night before. I dreamt I was laughing at her because it was snowing on her. I hoped this was a good sign. After all, I couldn’t laugh at her or anyone if I were dead! I chose not to reply just yet. I wanted to wait and see if either the money transfer would go through, or if the new Wired Plastic card would arrive by the deadline they gave us or both. So we had two shots left at a reprieve and days to go before we knew if we’d make it or not.

The suspense was agonizing, but I would learn the true meaning of the word “relief” when Tom called me Monday after work to say that the new Wired Plastic card had indeed finally arrived! In fact, he got two cards. And it was then that I realized that God had answered every single one of my prayers. Every single one!

I paced back and forth in joy, tears of relief streaming down my face, thanking God over and over again.

I then emailed Jessie and only told her we’d been on death row and were just now recovering, and that my parents of all people helped us, and that I’d send her detailed journal accounts once I’d written them up.

I didn’t mean to scare her, but she said I was scaring her and that she’d been about to call to see what was up, and was curious to know how my parents helped, and asked if she could help in any way. That was so sweet of her, but I didn’t think she could as broke as she is herself right now. Besides, I figured we’d be ok at that point. I hope we will be anyway! I really do believe the worst of the curse is over, and that things will slowly get better, but as I told her, I’d like to hear her voice someday, so when we get settled wherever one of these days, we’ll definitely chat by phone. We’re kind of like family as far back as we go. So I gave her a more detailed account of what happened and will send these excerpts once they’re finished.

I had said I wanted to save up whatever the rent ended up being when we got settled someplace, so we’d have money in the event of an emergency. Well, we’re going to save up a hell of a lot more than that if I can help it!

It’s a good thing the Wired Plastic card came because as it turns out, the transfer didn’t go through. The assholes no doubt have Netspend flagged as competitors.

I ended up doing laundry that night in the tub since it had been nearly two weeks since we were able to do laundry. Instead of being all pissed at having to be reduced to having to scrub it by hand, I simply saw it as something that had to be done, and so I did it.

Tom thinks they may start him on the 2nd shift next week with at least a 5% bonus. The only sucky thing is that we couldn’t go to the casino on Wednesday evenings. Every Wednesday, between 6:00 - 8:00, they accept entries for their car giveaway. That’s ok, though, as I learned I can still win big after all.

Tom decided that Wednesdays and Saturdays are good days to stop at the mail place, and he was excited to find an overnight letter from FedEx waiting for him when he went last Saturday. Well, I won a 32” flat-panel LCD HDTV! Thank God I started entering sweeps in his name too, or else he’d have had to waste time and gas coming back here to pick me up to sign and notarize things so we could get it back in time. He did a 2-day express thing, not wanting to trust the PO, knowing it could take a week or more that way. It was a short-running premium sweep that ran for less than a month, and 30 people got TVs. I wish all sweeps could be that short-running and have that many winners!

I also won a coupon for a free burger at one of Tom’s favorite fast-food places, which he got to enjoy.

The only dark cloud hanging over us right now is me being worried that all we’ll be able to afford is an apartment. Especially since I found I was wrong in thinking the average house rents for around $800. That’s only what the average 2-bedroom apartment rents for. The average house rents for $1,400. I hope that if we can’t have a house, because I still say we’ll never get to live where we want to anyway, we can at least find a duplex where the garages or carports run in between the two places, and that it doesn’t have a shared yard. I’m sick of sharing this and sharing that! We’ve shared enough already.

Another thing is the people next door who’ve been there for over a week now. Why is it that everyone who ends up over there in the inside room is noisy? Guess it just goes to show that that’s just how most people are no matter what. They’re not too bad, but they get annoying enough at times. I can’t figure out when they sleep. They’re definitely up all night. That much is obvious. I hear scattered thunks and clunks from over there all through the night, and when I put my ear to the wall I can hear music playing. They don’t wake me up when I have the sound machine on and my earplug in, but I still hope they’ll leave soon, even though I know we’ll get someone else in there soon enough doing the same thing.

The only other minor annoyance is that they’re always doing something around here. This is typical of motels and apartments, but first they had to change the TV channels twice, then the inspector came to check the smoke detectors and sprinklers, then they were supposedly coming back to fix them, but as it would turn out, this room was fine and not on their fix list. Yesterday they were checking doors. They want to lower the metal plate on the outside of it so there isn’t such a big gap underneath. This would be fine with me and I’m mostly on days now, but if they want to do anything else after this, I just may let them know they’re becoming pests and that I’d like them to wait till we’re gone.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Next door just got up to bang around, so I put the headphones on. They’re up all night and out all day, although I only just now heard them and have been up since 1:30.

I guess the guy on the end is still here, too. I wonder if he’ll pay for another month or not. I hope so since he’s usually quiet. There’s got to be more going on with him than just wanting an apartment. Apartments are so easy to get.

Sure enough, Josephina was off yesterday, so I ended up with that Indian lady. I don’t know if she was pissed or in a major hurry or what, but she wasn’t the least bit friendly when she stormed through here to clean. If anything she was bordering on rude and I hope she won’t be back anytime soon. I don’t know if she just doesn’t like to chat while she works or if something else was going on, but she’s definitely not a favorite of mine around here at this point. I noticed something was wrong with her the last time she came to assist Josephina. I thought she was just having a rough day or something because I heard her telling Josephina something about nearly passing out of thirst. I think this was the second out of the 4 times Josephina’s done this room.

They’re also making pests of themselves with this inspection thing they’ve got going on here. It’s not just about the sprinklers and smoke detectors, but about doors, beds and who knows what else as well? Motels and apartments always have something going on. Today the maintenance guy is coming to replace the metal plate on the outside bottom of the door so there isn’t as much of a gap. Then next week I get a new bed. At least it’ll be softer with its plush pillow top.

Netwinner’s got a new thing going on where instead of having unlimited plays at Netwinner itself, you only get 100 plays per day there, plus 100 plays at each of their two partner sites. There’s another one coming soon, too. At first I was pissed, though I don’t usually play more than 300 times a day anyway. I just hope they don’t go limiting anything else! Yesterday I did great and got 1810 points in my 300 spins, but today I’m not even up 300 points and half my plays are made.

Later…

I ended up doing better today at just over 3000 points, and I found another partner site, too. The problem is that the net’s been out the last half hour or so. I hope this isn’t going to turn out to be any big deal like the last time, and that it won’t be days before it’s fixed. The guy at the front desk said there’s a number to call cuz they don’t handle that, which sort of sucks. Why should it be on the guests to get it fixed? We’re the ones paying the motel for the damn service.

There was a Daddy long-legs in here and a big web at the base of the AC, so I started heading for the office to get a broom. On my way there, I could see some of the new mattresses laid out in the parking lot. They’re starting with the ground floor replacements. There I ran into the maintenance guy who said he totally forgot about the door plate and would probably do that as well as replace the bed on Monday. I told him that was ok because I was looking for a broom, though preferably a vacuum, to suck up the spider and web. So he had one of the housekeepers who’s only done this room once before come up with a vacuum. It’s a good thing it wasn’t that Indian chick. I’m sure she’d have hated to be reduced to having to drag a vacuum up here all for a spider and its web! I asked about Josephina and she said she was working on the first floor. I said to say hi to her.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Today Kate Jackson is 59, and I’ve been journaling for 20 years as of two days ago! Right now the net is out, which still happens despite being faster and more reliable overall. You would think by now there’d be reliable service everywhere, but nope. Gotta be in your own place for that.

It turns out that Netwinner has 7 partner sites, each allowing you 100 spins a day. Either they’ve increased the odds on the multipliers, or I’m doing a better job of influencing it because I’ve been getting points like crazy. We had Tom sign up too, using me as a referral, so I’d not only get points for referring him, but a 10% bonus for all the points he wins as well. I should easily be able to get $100 a month as long as things stay this way! And as long as I can have a reliable connection too, though it won’t leave much time for much else other than sweeping. My stories will progress very slowly, but I figure there’s no hurry anyway.

We went to Walmart really early yesterday morning and then hung out here all day watching TV, munching on junk, and playing Netwinner.

Jessie read my journal excerpts on the nightmare we went through and said it was amazing how strong we are, despite having thoughts of giving up. I sure as hell thought we weren’t going to have a choice in that department for a while! I hope we never go through anything that scary and stressful again.

I saw Josephina today. She came to do the end room, and when I saw it was her since I had the window open, I stepped out to say hello. She said she still smelled the incense and wanted to know where to get it from. So I gave her the web address, as well as my phone and email, saying that maybe we could learn Italian together once we got out of here. She thanked me and said she’d pray for me.

What was weird was that she left next door without doing the room. She went inside before she took off, then she returned to do it later on after the guy had returned to it. I guess he doesn’t want it done unless he’s there.

Today they replaced the bed which had been in here for 5 years, though it looked more like 20, and later on they’re doing the door. I hope they won’t keep making pests of themselves after this, and that Josephina does the room this Thursday when it’s scheduled to be done next.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Been doing Netwinner like crazy. Some days are still better than others. Yesterday I was barely up over 1000 points after 500 spins, today I was up 1000 points after just 100 spins.

That person who has millions of points has referred nearly 3000 people, so that’s how they’re racking up points like crazy. I wish I had a spammer’s list of email addresses so I could send zillions of referrals out myself.

There are still no other suitable work-at-home jobs I could find. Just the usual “You pay to work for us” jobs. Better yet the “You buy our products and hope to hell you can sell them” jobs.

Two nights ago I dreamt I won 50 grand. I hope this means I’m sitting on another big win, just like the dream I had of winning a car or 25K meant a big win was to come as in the high-def TV.

Whoa, now I’m up 6000 points in just 125 spins!

[ninjakittycomics]

I’m about to start date again. I’ve been out of the game for a while, to really find what I like, what I don’t like, what works and what doesn’t.

It sounds like a cliché, however, it matters. Knowing yourself matters.

Now that I’m about to go back into dating again, I’ve been thinking heavily about my ex. (and admittedly, dragging my feet on my tasks surrounding this because I’m thinking about her)

I have to think, every time I open the software to try and work on my profile, “Im not going to date one like her again. I’m going to find a better person. I have to believe. I know I’m worth it. And I know who I am, more than I did back then.”

and it takes a lot of energy.

So, what was so bad about her?

The short answer is the drinking, the yelling, the pushiness, the trying to make everything everyone else’s fault, the utter danger she put people in at regular (again all while insisting nothing’s wrong and everyone else is at fault), the filth and the danger stacking of objects on stairs, the want to isolate (its different if you chose it for you...not if someone else chooses it for you), the “oops I made a mistake clean it up for me” (sometimes emotional sometimes financial, it varied)..

Why’d I stick around as long as I did?

Because, it was gradual. Because I solidly had zero idea how much she drank, and how often as she hid some of it well (hindsight really is a thing)

Because it’s never 100% all the time.

The charm and cute was there. The adventure was there. Then suddenly Mr Hyde was there.

Then it went back to soft. Then MR HYDE…. Intermittently… you never knew when one thing or another was going to happen.

It wasn’t until I started to notice that one, it was accelerating, and two, there were zero signs of it getting better, that I really started to try to end it. (and I had the typical couple of false starts that queer relationships have too…. She promised she’d change, she was super sweet….then...nout)

and yeah, some of it was also my blind naivete.

Let me tell you folks. If someone has an actual shrine to their ex that is covered in years of spiderwebs (like...indiana jones and the spiders level of webs) and likes to hoard newspapers from decades in some precarious stacking places (like stairs where you might need to not die)…

If you think “i can’t live with this, but they’ll be different if I move in or if they move in with me.”

Please, have another think. People adjust for others somewhat, however we like to live how we like to live. And that’s without anything pathological underneath.

I chose to just conveniently ignore that. That would have become more of a problem later, if I had gone beyond the other things.

That’s the short. Here’s some details of what the long looks like.

She was (probably still is) a major drinker. I’d only see her drink one or two in front of my face, but after that, the bottles would be found (sometimes in hidden places)

Seemed not too much, until you started counting the glass.

I cannot stress enough, how much she hid her drunkeness well. Semi acrobatic, intelligent, strong… really well covered up. I learned A LOT in post, as I was exiting the situation.

She’d regularly drive drunk (I didn’t realize this, until after she got caught for it, and I learned about her mandated time because it wasn’t her first or second rodeo)

All I knew at the time was, she was driving weirdly and it scared the hell out of me.

One time, she was driving sleepy, and swerving a bit, (probably drunk) I had to open the window and let the bitter cold snow in to keep her awake.. it sucked, and she swore at me the whole time cuz it sucked, but we got back to her house alive.

Another instance, she thought she was being funny in her speeding up and tailgating while making “vroom vroom” noises, because she wanted to see if I’d get scared.

She’d yell at me, sometimes for hours (I timed one of our calls)

(before you ask, what did I do to trigger yelling? It was the death of a celebrity. And I answered a question wrong, after she told me about their death) (put simply, she just went off)

eggshell walking, and wondering what the hell was going to cause these events, was a regular occurrence.

and then, later on, probably because she forgot (hell, it was likely just another tuesday to her)

She’d try to be silly and cute with me after these sessions.

And then wonder why I wasn’t enchanted by the playing.

It’s not like that tiny bit of play, erased all the terrible that came right before it.

And that play certainly wouldn’t prevent the terrible that would come after either.

It wouldn’t change her behaviour.

She was “content” to drink, get nasty, feel whatever she felt about the consequences, and then repeat.

I couldn’t help. I couldn’t do anything.

The only person who can change the damages in that situation, was her.

When I’d help with a task, it was a stopgap. Like, trying to slap that weird patch tape over a crack that’s leaking a lot of water...but it’s the hoover dam. The pressure and constant of the water, was never going to stop.

And yet, she’d act like it was somehow my fault, that I didn’t help enough, to make it so suddenly, that crack would be fixed.

(especially when the person who either is cracked, or is cracking their own world apart, won’t stop wielding a goddamn hammer and a chisel, and screaming at others for making her bang on)

and I was goddaaaaaaaaaamned tired. (extra pain, injury, autoimmune issues)

The thing is, It was NOT MY FAULT, that she was drunk as a skunk and yelling at me cuz she felt bad.

That was her taking a feeling out on me. (at length I might add)

I think it was the absurdity of the length of yelling that clued me in though.

I’d have been more tempted to think it was my fault, if she took her feelings out on me more briefly.

and I’m here to say….Don’t.

My ex told me that her moods were my fault in subtle and nasty ways.

“YOU DON’T CARE” (which means, fall over yourself to prove that you care about this inane thing I’m yelling about)

“I did this (big) thing for you!” (thanks, I hate it? I mean.. often it’s not a thing that’s wanted, or it’s not a gesture that’s wanted...but I’m in trouble for not wanting the thing I told you I didn’t want and you went ahead and did it anyways)

“wouldn’t it be nice if there was nobody else? Do you have to be with your fam or friends?” (um...yeah...yes I do. I have a life. I’m allowed to have one. And I’ll pick and choose as to who is better for me. Me.)

“I’m sorry yelling” (yelling “the right words” so you cant be mad at me cuz I used the right word)

“Don’t you trust me?” (which roughly means, let me do what I want, and stop asking questions….) (to which...no. No I don’t… the track record is not showing a good trend. The thing that happened before is going to happen again, as she was not showing signs of changing the behaviours, and zero signs that she deserved any more of my trust.)

“You’re so stubborn!” (stubborn for keeping my boundaries, especially when they involved my safety and health? Hell no. that’s basic human rights. My mama taught me that)

The thing that galled me…. Well, one of the things, it’s a long list. Is she could turn it off for other folks. “people who would make her feel a real consequence”.

If you ask, “Why couldn’t I just make her feel a consequence?” IT’S NOT MY JOB.

People shouldn’t treat you like shit just because they can.

(and fuck those folks who say “they yell at you because they feel safer with you”.

Feeling safe becoming yelling, is for kids growing up, not grown ass adults who drink)

As a side note… I have never known one of my friend’s or fam’s relationships, where someone thought it was a good idea to yell on a consistent basis, to not escalate to hitting. And I was NOT going to sit around and see when it would come.

Which lead to another thought: I’d want to beat a person up if they pulled this kind of shit on anyone I loved. Why the hell would I accept it for me?

And again… it wasn’t always bad. Sometimes she was downright cute, sweet, cuddly, informative, (I loved learning new things from her)… but that didn’t outweigh the bad.

“if only she’d just not do that, we could have a good life together...” no… she won’t. Both the good and bad behaviour bits were her. And I had to take or leave both.

And I left both… because I couldn’t exist, and be me, while being with her.

And that’s far too damn high a price to pay.

I deserve to exist without being under assault every damn day.

I deserve to be.

It took some months to come to the feeling… it was important though.

At what point, am I a sacrifice on their alter?

And it’s easy to blame the self…. “if I was just better, she’d be nicer to me” “If I was better, she’d stop the self destructive behaviour”

This, is leftovers from kid logic. (that’s not a bad thing… it’s literally how we function as kids… we have to attempt to change ourselves in order to be seen and survive in the situation we’re in.)

Literally a design of our humanity. “how do I best go along, in order to get my needs met, and get along”

We’re social.

It’s totally normal for us to go down a mental path we’ve spent our lives inside of.

It’s only haywire, when we start to see other people’s behaviours as our direct fault.

(people who purposefully antagonize folks are NOT included in that statement)

You’re existing. Just being. And the other person does something bad, and then tells you it’s your fault that they did it? Naw fam. That’s on them.

Their reckless spending, their drinking, their pushiness, their yelling, their job problems, their legal problems. THAT IS THEM.

They earned it.

(this took me 10years to learn. A lot of reading and talking to different folks with different training. Don’t hurt yourself if you’re not there yet. Time and practice)

I mostly equate someone respecting me, with treating me with basic human kindness.

This is a low bar. (a profound one, however, a low bar)

and how does the saying go? “The bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in Hell, yet here you are, limbo dancing with the devil.” -Omnybus on Tumblr 6-7-2021

none of this wild ride, was really kind.

It had kind looking moments…. It wasn’t kind.

ALSO EDIT: There is a stark difference between understanding a behavior and rationalizing a behaviour. All you whatabouters are heading straight for rationalization.

And for all the “there must have been a reason that she was like that!” “maybe she was sick, or maybe you should give her more understanding because of whatever disease/dependence”..

“Cool Motive, Still Murder.” -Jake Peralta, Brooklyn99

She is not entitled to me.

She is not entitled to my life, my mental stability, my health, my body.

She is not entitled to ME.

I am the only one who is entitled to myself.

I chose me.

Why...why is this bugging me as I think about it all over again?

Because… I still miss those good days. That’s normal I’m afraid. Very human reaction. We are all, not immune.

I still love her in some ways (this love cannot overcome the mistreatment and danger and recklessness)

You get lonely and you think, that good day, surely it is worth the…...and then you look at the notes and go...NOPE. No it was not. Holy shit it was not.

Her hugs felt good, surely it’d be ok to….no...no...no really no.

keeping notes helps.

Memories have biases. Damages are supposed to fade a bit, it’s part of the build that helps humans be resilient (and sometimes backfires and gives us rosey ass glasses to the past.)

I’m also afraid I’ll find a new someone, who’s a different version of her boundary pushing, dangerous ass.

I hope I spot the pattern quicker this time.

I hope that the first time someone makes a bad apology that means nothing and attacks me, that I nope my ass right out of there.

I hope that if anyone starts to wonder about how nice it would be, if it were just us and nobody else, all nestled away….. that I hear the kill bill sirens blaring.

I hope that if they want to drive after drinking more than a couple that I have the courage to say, “I will call someone, anyone who isn’t you, for a ride. Have a nice life.”

Any rate.

Here’s wishing you all courage, and clarity. And the ability to act on it.

I hope y’all find good partners.

[boobachu]

I raise a new perspective to you, while it is true that history repeats because nobody really lives long enough to see the patterns, it is also true that the internet didn't exist back then. Nothing was ever documented to the degree that things are now. I'm not saying that fascism isn't happening and isn't on the rise, it is, but it mostly is through our government. Through actual legislation. Most fascists and Nazis that are working class that I hear about are typically in the Midwest. Down here in the south, they do exist, but we kind of beat the shit out of them so they leave us the fuck alone typically. I'm getting off topic here, my point is, if it is true that history repeats because no one remembers what happened, then how come people who were hardcore extreme conservatives are realizing a lot of their wrongdoings in mass? There are tons and tons and tons of queers coming forth about family coming around. I've seen it myself, with my friends as well and their families.

So my perspective is, perhaps with the internet at our disposal, hope isn't lost. I know a while back I read an article about a historian who brought this up himself. He spoke about how things like this repeat, specially with fascism, but he said that before there was no such thing as the internet. And now there is, that he thinks it is enough to help connect people and spread information. Fact checking is also particularly popular.

The nazis have always been a minority, like most right leaning people believe that there's a hierarchy of worth that's genetic but they're not willing to like, start a fucking pogrom. That's what prisons are for, like "if you went to prison you deserved it obviously it's not racism that's just a fact of life" that sorta bullshit.

That and all I ever hear from rightheads that aren't full-tilt "1488 god emperor own the libs" nazi-nazi is that "oh you're exaggerating" "that's fake" "that won't happen"

Like it's funny, people will be like "we need to be making our own food cuz china's poisoning everything" and then they don't have a plan for what happens if the cops start hunting them down. I don't mean white-white people I mean Mexican people like I hear this from chicanos like dude what

The other elephant in the room is that the seed of doubt on reality was planted decades ago with the 24 hour news cycle and there's a ton of deepfake generative A.I. fertilizer plopped right on top so even if you have video proof of something, people can go "mmh fake news"

I've had tons of hopes that "maybe it won't get this bad" like... but it just keeps getting worse.

Tho honestly all that is a lot of fluff for the reality that like... citizens of the USA versus the militarized police: who wins?

Cuz I mean the republicans are behind this fascist push and the democrats aren't being a total wall of defiance so that means that anything meaningful would have to be done by the people which... usually that shit only happens when the powers that be let them.

Like the police letting the Jan 6th mob go after congress back in 2020. If the cops weren't on their side that shit wouldn't've happened. That happens anywhere with "the people's revolt" like dictator hasbeen has lost control and the court is replacing them using the people and then power vaccum yada yada worse dictator comes in.

Like that Eugene guy, what's his name Goodman. If Goodman didn't do what he did right then right there, America woulda been over like it's like we had a miraculous save throw and pissed it away!!!

Ugh I'm rambling, like I really fucking hope I'm wrong cuz me being right is me and everyone I know and love being slaughtered for being born wrong whether that means mental illness or brown skin.

Like I'd love to be 50 like "Man remember when we thought Elon Musk was going to usurp Trump to become mechahitler? Just overreacting like Y2K man REMEMBER Y2K?"

Like I really hope that happens, but I mean a black man was lynched in 2020 in his mother's back yard as a warning and a Palestinian protester was just disappeared right now so it's like, I just don't see a happy end to this.