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sapchat · 1 year ago

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We Are Not Our Fathers

Azriel x Reader

Summary: You get summoned to your mate and Cassian whilst they are on a mission, only to find out there was a surprise at the end of it.

Warnings: mentions of a fight, children, and an argument between two lovers.

Words: 5k

Part 1: You are here! Part 2

Fun fact: this is technically my third fanfic now, cuz I’ve got a part one for something else and I’m writing part two, I just got this idea yesterday while listening to this playlist and was like “I need angst, azriel, his mate and a child.”

Azriel and Cassian had been at one of the Illyrian camps investigating rumors of… something. You hadn’t been paying attention when your mate told you why, he’d been getting dressed while telling. So, you could see the distraction at the time. It had been at least two hours since your mate had left and you got summoned down the bond, and a shadow seemed to tug at your hand.

So, following the bond you appeared in a typical Illyrian Steppes living room, with Azriel at the top of the steps.

“Hey, we uh, need you up here. We thought we were done but Cass found someone.” Azriel said meeting me at the bottom of the steps and grabbing a hand, rubbing his fingers on my wrist. He picked the habit up a few years into our bond, he says it keeps him grounded, especially after or during missions like these. Nodding my head, I followed the narrow steps behind him to see Cassian standing in the doorway of one of the rooms, there was a smidge of blood on the side of a wall, so I wasn’t sure what I was going to walk in on.

A little winged child was not what I was expecting. Cassian looked at me sheepishly then nodded to the side so the three of us could talk.

“So, I’m going to assume we didn’t know there was a child here?” I asked leaning against the wall.

“From what we could tell there were no reports of a child when we first started getting reports of the retaliation happening. My shadows also didn’t pick up on a child when we got here, so either he was just hiding really well because of the guests in the house, or he snuck in.” Azriel responded.

“Any idea how much he heard? Or what does his parental situation look like?” I asked, I needed to know how bad this situation could be. Especially if this child doesn’t have a family because of its father’s or mother’s choices.

“For the most part, some of them went easy. Only three of ‘em put up any real fight, hence some of the blood there by your head,” Cassian started.

“Ew, thanks for telling me that one.” I’ll just shuffle to the side.

“As for a possible guardian, he hasn’t answered any questions. He did call me a bastard though, so I guess he has listened to something while around them.” Cassian finished. He seemed almost more stressed than I. I assume because he’s become quite partial to being babysitter for Nyx in the last few months for Feyre and Rhysand to be able to go out.

“What do you think, he’s probably what four, maybe five. You have more experience in working with kids, and with Madja, what do you think his outcome is with what he’s been dealt.” Azriel asked, dragging a scarred hand down his face.

“All children are different. One could experience something awful like the death of a parent and not remember anything about it. Others could never recover from it and grow up acting out the rest of their lives. It’s just a matter of how they get help. And knowing this camp, they probably won’t get much mental help at all. You two should know that” It’s not what they wanted to hear I imagine, but it was the truth. “So, what’s the plan? I assume if you have summoned me here you want me to go talk to him?”

“Yea actually, that’s exactly what so thanks for offering that so we don’t have to ask.” Cassian states rubbing the back of his head. Little shit.

Sighing, I turn my eyes to my mates, who just shrugged. I’ve been left here with the two most awkward people when it comes to random kids. Such a surprise came from the man-child Cassian himself. I roll my eyes, but send something to calm down the bond, and turn to go into the room.

The child is on the smaller side, evidence of the winter that’s still in the mountains so it’s evident his family doesn’t have much money for food. He’s got some dirt on his clothes so he’s either been out playing today or he just doesn’t have many clothing options. His wings were on the smaller side for what we assume his age group is, so he either is just going to have slightly smaller wings, or he’s developmentally delayed for his possible age. Probably due to the lack of food and hygiene.

I step slowly into the room, trying to make my slightly tall frame smaller. “Hi there. What’s your name?”

The little boy looked at me with wide hazel eyes, a twinkle in it that I couldn’t tell meant he was scared or intrigued by my presence. “Hawthorne.”

“Hawthorne huh?” You ask, then tell him your name, “Are you okay Hawthorne?” I ask him, he sits up just a little taller, a twitch in his bat-like wing following after.

He nodded his head in response, and I nodded back in understanding. “I was wondering who you were here with buddy? It’s okay if I call you buddy, right?”

“I was with my daddy. and I don’t know if you can call me buddy. Daddy’s usually the only one that does. Daddy said it’s cause we’re friends, but I don’t know you.” He answers sheepishly looking around my body towards the end, telling me I have a shadow, likely two of them.

“Well, if I tell you something about me, and then you tell me something, then we would be friends, wouldn’t we?” He hesitates, thinking about the question then nods his head quickly.

“Okay, well you know my name already,” I say then move to sit on the corner of the bed and make it seem like I’m thinking about my fact, “One of my favorite things ever, is getting to go and watch the sunrise or sunset as it comes up or down, and it shine on the soft snow. It’s really pretty.” I say, his head perks up a little at what I tell him.

“I like that too! I also like it when it storms, 'cause that means I don’t have to go out and I get to stay inside with my daddy.” He says. I smile at his enthusiasm of getting to share something we both like.

“I’ll tell you another secret then.” His eyes get really wide, and I feel a questioning brush through the bond. “I also like it when it storms. Because that means I get to stay inside with my friends.”

“Are they your friends?” Hawthorne asks looking at Cassian and Azriel behind me.

“Yeah, those are my really good friends, Cassian and Azriel. They… came to talk to the people that were downstairs. Did you know them?” I ask, glancing at the two males behind me, who are trying to seem small, but with the size of Cassian and Azriel’s wings. They’re failing.

“It was my daddy and their friends. I heard lots of yelling. And that they called your friends bastards. So, I did when they came up here. Where is my daddy?” I looked at Azriel for an answer, he looked down and then at Hawthorne.

“We took your father somewhere so we could talk with them. Do you have a mother we could take you to? Or anyone else.” Azriel answered the child.

Hawthorne shook his head no, “Daddy says mommy died when I was little, even smaller than now. And daddy says I’m the only thing he has left. But I think that’s silly 'cause we have neighbors!”

I sigh and look at my mate and Cassian, I then look back to the hallway and back to the child, “Hawthorn I’m going to go talk with my friends really quick, are you okay here?” The boy nods his head and watches as the three of us leave the room.

It’s now my turn to rub my hands down my face. “What do we do with him? I assume mom either died in childbirth or from sickness. And now we’ve got dad where he’s going to probably be punished for what they’ve been planning.”

Cassian almost winces at the last part, “His father was one of the people to put up a fight. We’ve got him in Hewn City right now, one of the others said he’s the ring leader for wanting to try and get rid of Rhys, and ‘go back to the old ways.’”

“Gotta love males and their ever-needing reason to be on top,” Azriel said laying back against the wall across from me, one of his feet resting between my ankles.

“We asked Rhys what he thought. He thinks it should be up to you.” Cassian said.

I processed the question for a second. Thinking about the options that are available. If Hawthorne stays, he’ll be homeless, wandering the streets like Cassian did; and based on how he looks already, he probably wouldn’t last long. Or taking him with us. To Velaris and trying to find him a place there. He could stay in the House of Wind until we find somewhere or someone.

I look at Azriel and he nods, knowing what I’m going to decide. If I had it my way, there would be no children wandering the roads here in the camps. But the orphanage idea has been slow, Devlon the only one wanting to even entertain the idea.

“Take him with us. He’ll be better off in Velaris, and until we can find somewhere permanent, he can stay in the House with us all.” I say, Cassian nods knowing I’m making the decision based on what he’s told me of his past before Rhys and his mother.

“Looks like you’ll get a friend Cassian, I’ll be sure to set up playdates.” Azriel says pushing off the way and patting his brother on the back.

Cassian had a shocked look on his face, eyes following Azriel as he followed me back into the room Hawthorne was patiently waiting in.

“Hey, Hawthorne? How about you come with me and my friends for a little bit, until we can see if your father gets into trouble, okay?” I asked going in and sitting on his bed, angling my body to be eye level with the winged boy. He seemed to sit and think about it for a second, then spared Azriel a questioning look before looking back at me.

“Will I still get to do my training?”

My eyes widen just a tad. Training at five? I look over my shoulder to Cassian and Azriel in question.

“Yeah me, and Cassian can help with that. We’re both really going at flying so we can help you learn some.” Azriel told the child, putting a lot of emphasis on them being so good at flying. This seemed to make the boy happy.

“Okay then. I guess I’ll come with you. But I get to bring my toys!”

“We wouldn’t expect you to leave them behind buddy. Now where are your clothes?” I said standing from the bed and ruffling my fingers through his dark brown almost black hair.

Hawthorne jumped from the bed, his little wings flapping as he did, and ran to the dresser in the corner of the room. He pulled open a drawer almost at eye level and grabbed what little clothes sat in there. “Here they are!” He ran back over and handed them to me. He only had two shirts and another pair of pants, plus only a few pairs of undergarments.

I looked in the direction of my mate and he nodded at what I was thinking. We’ll have to get him some more clothes. I held my hand out and Azriel summoned a bag from the shadows and handed it to me. I usually use it for the farmers market, but I’ll just get a new one.

“Okay, bubs, come here and I’ll hold you while Azriel takes us back to the house.” The boy hopped over with a questioning look on his face.

“He’s going to fly both of us to your house?”

“Nope! He’s going to do something called winnow, which means,” I sat for a second thinking how to explain this to a child, “he’ll grab my and Cassian's hand, and then we’ll disappear and then reappear in the house!” Yeah, that was a great explanation.

Hawthorne seemed to question it for a second, then came over and all but crawled up into my arms. I moved the bag to my shoulder and then joined Azriel and Cassian. The three of us all looked at each other as if questioning what I’d decided.

And into the shadows we went, only for Azriel to then grab onto me tighter to glide us down to the balcony of the House of Wind. Hawthorne gripped my neck tighter looking around at all he could see of Velaris. And I knew I had made a good decision for the boy.

Feet touching the ground Hawthorne all but leaped from my arms to run and look over the balcony, pulling himself up by using his feet on the spindles to gain leverage to look out. Mouth opening by the second, I leaned back against Az watching the boy. He’s never seen so many people at once living in such a beautiful place.

“Hawthorne, wanna go get a quick snack before we get you cleaned up in a tub?” I asked leaving my mates front to join the boy at the railing. He looked up at me with wide eyes before looking back out towards the Sidra. “It’ll all still be here when we’re done. And if you’re not tired then you can even see it once the sun goes down. It looks even better.” He turned back with a slightly toothless grin and nodded enthusiastically, jumping from the side, and gripping my hand swinging from it.

Walking into the sitting room I walked the boy towards the kitchen. Already sitting on the counter was a little dinner for the boy, the House instantly knowing what was needed of it. I helped him up onto a stool he quickly dug into his dinner.

“Easy now, don’t want to eat too fast and make yourself sick,” I advised brushing a finger across his back. I walked around the counter and grabbed a small cup and filled it with water so he could drink as well.

Once he was done eating, he quickly gulped down the water and brushed his mouth on his hand, then proceeded to wipe the hand on his shirt. Boys. I grabbed him before he had a chance to run off and walked him up to mine and Azriel’s bathing room where Az sat pouring a few drops of bubbles into the bath.

I set Hawthorne down on the ground and allowed him to undress so he could climb in the bath and gave my mate a quick peck on the cheek in thanks. Admiration flowed down his side of the bond as I leaned over and started wetting Hawthorne’s hair. He splashed around a little playing with the bubbles as I washed the grime off of him.

Once I was done, I grinned and grabbed a handful of bubbles and placed them on his head. The little Illyrian quickly looked up at me and proceeded to grin. And without a moment's notice he flapped his wings in the water spraying water all over me.

We both sat in silence for a little bit, me in shock and him with a look that said, ‘Uh oh’. Then I started laughing, and Hawthorne quickly realized he wasn’t in trouble for getting water over me.

After his bath, and the fight of drying him off, and the battle of getting him dressed. I did as I had promised and walked him back to one of the balconies so he could watch the ending of the sunset and all the lights of Velaris come on. We sat quickly, him in amazement, me writing down some reports to send to Rhys in the morning.

It was in the middle of the night I was awoken to one of Azriels shadows, Azriel rousing from sleep himself and moving a wing off of me to see what was happening. Then I heard soft padding down the hall, and a shuffling of wings. I then heard the door move a bit as someone jumped and grabbed the doorknob, and the door quietly moved open.

Raising our heads, we were greeted with Hawthorne sniffling as he waddled into the room. He looked up at the two of us from the foot of the bed, glancing back and forth. I glanced at Azriel and silently asked if he’d allow the boy in the bed with us.

Azriel looked at me, then flopped back on his stomach and grumbled “Once you feed them and let them sleep in the bed, they end up staying. Look at Cass.”

I lightly slapped his arm and raised up more and nodded to my side of the bed. Hawthorne quickly shuffled over and climbed his way into the bed and my arms. “Wanna talk about it?” I quietly asked.

He shook his head and placed his wet face into my neck. I hummed an okay and moved the blankets back over us and went back to sleep, Azriel’s wing shifting back over as he moved around.

In the morning I awoke to an empty bed, not unusual with Az doing morning training, but I distinctly remember a little boy crawling into the bed in the night as well.

Climbing out of bed, a shadow greeted me happily and started leading me in the direction of the living room; and was greeted by Cassian holding the boy in the air telling him to get ready, and Azriel sat in a chair drinking tea.

“If he breaks something Cassian, you get to tell Rhys.” I said, walking further into the room and joining Azriel on the armrest, his hand wrapping around my hip and patting it. Azriel tilted his head in a way saying, ‘That’ll be fun’ and went back to his morning readings.

“Hey, we learn to fly by being dropped from different heights, I figured you prefer it in the living room, where he could land on the couch.” The general replied, letting go of the boy and allowing him to flap-glide his way to the couch in question.

I let the two continue and looked down to my mate, “Wanna join me in the kitchen, so we could talk about H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E’s F-A-T-H-E-R?” He nodded his head and took my hand to lead me in the direction of said room. Already on the counter was my breakfast, courtesy of the house which I thanked, and a steaming glass of coffee.

“I went earlier this morning. He’s not wanting to give us anything. Rhys wants to make an example of them.” Azriel said going straight to the point. I looked up from putting jam on my toast, my eyes trailing to the sounds of the child’s laughter and Cassians' praise.

“What about Hawthorne?”

Azriel sighed, already knowing I wasn’t going to let this go without a fight. Either with him or our High Lord. “Rhys is going to leave that up to you. His recommendation thought was to find someplace around Velaris so he wouldn’t be in a camp where issues may arise in the future. When he’s older.”

I looked sharply up at what he said. “What is that supposed to mean?” I made sure to keep my voice somewhat low so as to not raise attention to us.

“We both know what he means. He’s just trying to cover future bases because he has Nyx now.” Azriel tried to calm down, resting a hand on top of mine. I pulled it back from him immediately.

“No Azriel I don’t know what you mean. He’s a child what are you two trying to say?” I was angry. He’s five, if that. What was there to possibly worry about to ‘keep an eye on him in the future.’

Azriel said your name then continued, “His father was plotting to get a group of people to kill Rhys. Maybe worse.” Azriel almost seemed angry at the position I had taken, in defending this threat against his High Lord. But the threat was a child.

I glared at Azriel and all but snarled when I said, “Sons are NOT their fathers Azriel. You of all people should know that.” I even pointed in his direction for emphasis on my statement, his hazel eyes going wide in surprise at it. Shock and hurt flowed down the bond, and I pushed my feelings of anger towards him.

Turning I leave my breakfast to go join Cassian and the deemed threat in the other room to watch him stretch his wings.

It was later in the evening, after playing with the child and having Cassian take us down to the shopping district so he could have more clothes that I had finally let myself think about the argument from earlier in the day. I had already put Hawthorne to bed almost two hours ago and was down in the kitchen sipping wine. Setting the glass down on the counter I ran my hands down my face in frustration, and then came some shuffling.

Turning my head, I expected Azriel but found Hawthorne. Bleary-eyed from what little sleep he got. “Hey, what are you doing back up, it’s late.”

The little dark-haired child rubbed his eyes, his other hand gripping a little black cat stuffed animal he begged to have. “I have trouble sleeping in the bed. It’s super soft.” His eyebrows furrowed together and then he said, “The shadows also keep me awake by playing with my hair.”

A few of Azriel’s shadows had taken a little liking to the boy, much unlike their master, it seemed. “Well. Since you’re awake, want some hot chocolate?” I asked, the boy seemed confused at my words and asked what hot chocolate was. “Hot cocoa?” He shook his head in confusion again.

“Come on, I’ll make us some cups and you can try it,” I said lifting him up to sit on the counter and wiped my finger at some of the dried drool on his cheek.

Turning to a cabinet, I grabbed two mugs to set beside him and continued to pull supplies out to make the cocoa. Hawthorne watched every move I made, measuring out the ingredients, putting them into a pot to warm up, and even helping stir every now and then. Once it was done, I moved it over to the side to allow it to cool a bit more before putting the drink into the mugs.

“Now here’s the fun part. I like to add some extra things to mine.”

Hawthorne seemed interested in whatever it was I was going to add.

“I like to take this white stuff, called whipped cream, and put it on top, then add this stuff here called cinnamon. Do you wanna try mine and see if you like it for yours?” I asked, Hawthorne seemed to think deeply about it, furrowed eyebrows, and all then eagerly nodded his head. I carefully handed him my cup and he took a little sip, whip cream getting on his upper lip and nose, then made a loud ‘ahh’ sound after gulping it down.

“I��d like some please!” The boy eagerly handed my mug back and watched me add it to his smaller mug.

We sat side by side sipping at our drinks, Hawthorne’s eyes drooping more and more as he drank before he set his almost empty mug on the counter and yawned.

“Ready to go back to bed?” He seemed a little hesitant and then said something that broke my heart.

“I don’t wanna sleep by myself, I’m scared someone’s going to come and get me.” He didn’t want to make eye contact.

I looked at him a little inquisitively, “Why do you think someone’s coming to get you?”

“Well, I really liked being with Daddy, even if I didn’t get much food. And then you guys came and took my daddy and me, because daddy was being bad. But you have been really nice, and Cassin has been helping me fly, and even though Azzie don’t like me he still lets me play with his shadows, and you guys have food and it’s warm-“ I stopped him before he could continue working himself up.

“Hawthorne, you don’t have to go back to the camp if you don’t want to. You know that right?” I said rubbing his hand in a comforting way.

He seemed sheepish as he nodded then asked, “I would get to stay here with you? And Cassin and Azzie?”

I sighed trying to think of an answer, “I don’t know if you’d get to stay with us. You could go to another place that would love you very much.”

Hawthorne didn’t like that answer. Tears forming in his little hazel eyes, lips wobbling, and I knew I needed to backtrack.

“Hey, how about this buddy?” He sniffed and ran a hand over his eye, “How about we pause this conversation, and me and you go sleep? Then we can talk when I get some answers.” Answers only the Inner Circle could answer.

It took Hawthorne only 20 minutes to fall back to sleep in his room and me another hour lying beside Azriel. It was early morning when I awoke to Azriel getting up himself.

“Think you could call a meeting about little bits?” I asked rubbing my hands down my face.

Azriel sighed and sat back in the bed beside me. “You shouldn’t get attached to him; you know that. And it’s not that I think that he’s going to become his father or that I hate him. I heard you guys’ last night, and what you both talked about.” He sat there for a second licking his lips as I cringed knowing he heard us, “I do like him. He’s a sweet kid, and I’m glad he’s had a better life than most Illyrians-”

I stopped him, “I didn’t mean what I said yesterday. I know you’re not your father and I should’ve never. Ever. Compared you to him.”

“I know. You were angry and believed you had to defend him. I’m proud of you for that. But if you really want to discuss what happens with him, then I think we should talk.” Azriel said, grabbing my hand and holding it as he laid back across my stomach.

I nodded, and we started talking. About all outcomes for Hawthorne. What would happen to him, how he’d be raised, all of it. Then we went to the River House. And I joined the Inner Circle as we talked about him. Rhysand’s concerns, Amren’s and Mor’s surprise, Feyre’s support in what would happen, and how it would all be dealt with.

At the end we had an answer.

It was later in the day that I asked Hawthorne if he wanted to go walk around town with Azriel. I was slowly walking behind as Azriel walked somewhat awkwardly with the boy, talking with him as Hawthorne was eagerly pointing around at different shops.

Hawthorne’s eyes widened and grabbed Azriels’ hand, the older Illyrian tensing up at the innocent little child grabbing his scarred hands and dragged him over to a bakery to press his face into the window and stare at the sweets.

“Can we go in there?” Hawthorne asked eagerly looking between Azriel and me. Azriel looked to me for some guidance, letting me control the situation. Nodding my head, Azriel led the three of us into the bakery and let the boy pick what he wanted and got me my favorite treat too.

I led Hawthorne back outside so we could eat, take in the sights, and talk to Hawthorne like we needed to.

“Hey Hawthrone, remember the conversation from last night? Can me and Azriel talk to you about it?” Hawthrone seemed more downtrodden at the reminder of last night but nodded his head.

“Hawthorne, I got to visit your dad before we left, and I just wanted you to know that he isn’t going to be able to come home. And because of that, we need to find you a good home.” Azriel started out, not telling the boy his father wasn’t going to come home. Rhys did have to make an example and couldn’t just pardon him because he had a son.

“Azriel and I have been talking with some people, and we’re wondering what you want to do,” I said, handing the boy a napkin to clean his face as he ate. He glanced between Azriel and me, then down at the table.

“Where would I go if Daddy can’t take me?” he asked shyly.

“Well, we could find you a loving home here, in the city. Where you would be cared for and get to learn all kinds of things with kids your age and everything. Another choice is we find you a home back at your camp, somewhere that’d be able to care for you, and you’d get to be with other Illyrians your age.” Hawthorne seemed to think the two options over. Then Azriel looked at me and I nodded.

“Or” Azriel started, “You could stay with us, and we could raise you. Then you’d stay with Cassian and us, get to meet the High Lord and Lady, and all our friends, while going to school here in Velaris. And in a few years, we’d take you to a camp called Windhaven and you’d train to be a warrior.” Hawthorne’s eyes got wider and wider as Azriel continued, looking back and forth between us two, his grin starting to match mine.

“So. Which would yo-“ Azriel didn’t finish as the tiny Illyrian lunged over the table into both of us.

“YOU I WANNA STAY WITH YOU!” Hawthorne yelled excitedly, gripping the both of us as I laughed.

Azriel looked at me, love flowing down the bond and him receiving the same back from me at the new addition to the family.

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sen-ya · 9 months ago

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Life After Info Post

[Click here to access the Life After Digital Comic Book]

Summary: Two years ago, a viral outbreak rose the dead. Considering how his life had gone up to this point, surgeon Trafalgar Law figured this might as well happen too. When a supply run into the nearby city gets intercepted by a seemingly reckless and impulsive former patient, the dependable routine Law had settled into in this new life shatters. He finds himself exposed — his body out in the infected landscape, his conscious clawing to define what he believes is right, his heart begrudgingly deciding to find a new home on his sleeve. Maybe there’s more than a virus roaming the new world that can bring a dead man back to life.

Content Warnings: Canon typical violence, zombies/body horror (but lbr I am not good at making scary things look scary)

Relationships: Luffy x Law

Update Schedule: New page every Monday/Wednesday/Friday

Page Count: [37 posted | 55 drawn]

Latest Update: [7/21/24] WOWEE did I get myself carried away this morning. I just spent 5 hours organizing my comics and creating the digital comic book pages. I could have spent that time drawing or idk not doing what I do for my job, but I cannot be stopped. Anyway I blocked out 30 pages of this comic last week and they include the most intense action sequence I've ever done in my gotdang life. Wish me luck because I am nervous about tying down all my drawings lmao.

OLD UPDATES:

[6/29/24] HULLO! I'm doing so bad at keeping my masterposts updated lately I am sorry. All pages of life after are tagged life after if you're ever looking between masterpost updates! Also exciting update, I finally have figured out all the different plot points i'm gonna be hitting (yay!). I got hung up on something for awhile that made me not wanna work on this project, but I'm back at it. I think we'll end up with 6-7 parts! I have probably another 80-100 pages to draw lol. Also i got the app Magic Poser and it's AWESOME and I immediately used it to block out sets cuz MAN I hate backgrounds.

[6/10/24] HELLO. I'm sorry I've been shit at updating my masterposts lately. It's easiest to do from my computer, which I rarely use, and life has been happening. I also can't believe I bungled the queue and posted pg19 before pg18 i am very sorry 🤦 Eventually I'll have to turn this into an airtable base I'm sure, but until that day comes where I have like 100 pages of this comic we're stickin to the regular post lmao

[5/26/23] I got real caught up in doing summer of lawlu comics this week and this is the first week since the first week of April I haven't drawn new Life After pages and it feels weird 🙊

[5/19/24] More Luffy backstory comin' this week! :^)

[5/12/24] Updating now so get myself on schedule to update on Sundays like I had been with my other comic master post!

[5/8/24] Thank you to everyone who's liked/reblogged/comment on the first few pages!! It means the world to me that anyone's reading my silly little comics.

[4/28/24] HULLO. It’s happeninnng. I’ve spent the last few weeks working on this comic, and I gotta make this post so I can start queuing pages & link this in them! This is the most like….legit? Comic endeavor I’ve undertaken perhaps….ever. I’m very nervous about committing to how long it will need to be lol. This story is dear to my heart — zombie content is kind of my very favorite. I’ve always found it to be a great backdrop for exploring themes like grief, coping with change, community, and learning to live again. It’ll be a long haul but I hope you’ll ride it out with me!! Tomorrow I’ll be posting the first two pages. After that a page will post every Monday/Wednesday/Friday. As of this post I’ve completed over 20 pages so that I have a good lead on what’s posting and continuing to write, so I’m hopeful that’s a cadence I’ll be able to maintain. I’ll update this post weekly to include the most recent pages the way I do with my main comics master post. All pages will be tagged 'Life After' and I'll tag any pages with zombies in them with 'zombie' for blacklisting etc.

#my art #life after

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fatkish · 7 months ago

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well hello there i just what to say i love the righting and 2 as u can see i suck at spelling so im sorry. and 3 i wish to know if u could do some mha angst like maybe like kiribaku x adhd reader where like bakugo dosen't mean tell reader to stop talking so fast or to like sit properly and stop moving there leg (i kinda want both cuz i get told that alot but u pick) but then kiri comes home and bakugos is sleeping on the couch and next day, kiri makes bakugo apologises and see how he was wrong. but its up to u. like reader could be overstimulated and cant stop moving. or sumth its up to u but thx for replying if u do don't feel like u need to tho byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Kirishima x Bakugou x Reader Drabble

It was that time of year again. Exams were getting closer and you and Kirishima needed help studying for them. So you both asked your shared boyfriend Bakugou, to help you guys study. Due to your ADHD, you typically take you tests in a different room alone with one of the teachers, that’s because it’s easier for you to focus when there’s less possible distractions. Due to your constant fidgeting, the school has allowed for you to keep a small exercise cycle underneath your desk. This device is similar to an exercise bike with its pedals, but it’s smaller and made to be used when sitting. The cycle is considered a learning tool for you since it allows you to fidget while disturbing as little people as possible.

Sadly, you can’t bring it everywhere with you, if you could then that incident wouldn’t have happened. You and Kirishima had begged Bakugou to help you guys study, so you three went to a cafe. Of course, your Boyfriends knew of your ADHD and how it affected you. They knew that it could only be managed so much, it wasn’t something that could be completely controlled and that it’s something you struggle with. While Bakugou was trying to help you both study, you kept getting distracted by everything and you wouldn’t stop shaking your leg, causing the booth to vibrate.

As you would point out things that you saw that you noticed like someone’s hairstyle or a band t-shirt someone was wearing, Bakugou was starting to get fed up with your inability to focus. You were sitting next to him in the same booth and your constant leg shaking was vibrating the seat and it was driving him crazy. After 1 hour and 30 minutes of your constant interruptions and leg bouncing, Bakugou was at his wit’s end.

“Goddamnit you spacey fuck, can’t you concentrate for more than a couple fucking seconds?!?! And will you fucking quit bouncing your goddamn leg. It’s so fucking damn annoying!” The moment Bakugou registered what he just shouted at you, he realized how much he messed up. You looked at him with watery eyes before your face changed to one of anger.

“I’m leaving” you got up and left the cafe, leaving behind a sorrowful Kirishima and a sorry Bakugou. Bakugou knew he had messed up the moment the words left his mouth. Before Kirishima could say anything Bakugou spoke.

“I know, I know, I messed up and I need to apologize. Don’t worry, I will.”

Kirishima could only look at Bakugou in slight disappointment before he went back to studying.

The next day at school, Kirishima pulled Bakugou aside in the hall outside the classroom and demanded that he apologize to you. Bakugou knew he messed up and was already planning out how he was going to apologize. As they walked into the classroom, they saw you scribbling away in one of your doodle journals. Since most students weren’t in the classroom yet, Bakugou decided to apologize then and there. He walked over and grabbed the back of your shirt, dragging you into the hallway.

“Look, I’m sorry ‘bout what I said yesterday. I was just pissed and I took it out on you.” He mumbled just quite enough for you to hear.

“It’s okay, I know I forgot to bring a fidget and I’ve been trying to manage my symptoms better. I just have to work harder but I appreciate the apology”

“Yeah yeah just shut up” Bakugou muttered as he looked away with a slight blush on his cheeks.

#mha x reader #bnha x reader #bakugou katuski x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki x reader #bakugou x reader

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ch4osm4ster · 3 months ago

Text

Routine

Small friendly alien × reader scenario.

(Could be platonic, could be romantic. Romance is hinted at but I guess could be ignored?)

Made everything vague and neutral so anyone can imagine their own lil creature in it's place. Reader is human though and alien is around half the size of a human. No names mentioned. Reminder I am more experienced with drawing then writing so this isn't gonna be high level writing lol. I wrote this cuz I was tired of nobody else doing something with this type of vibe.

Summary:

After a whole day chatting you and your alien companion end up going to sleep under the stars, but instead of you being the bigger spoon like usually, they insist on being the bigger spoon instead.

Words: 1,160

Sitting on a patch of grass sat you, and a tiny creature you sometimes call a friend, sometimes a lover. While most humans would find the size difference awkward, you did not. And neither did your little companion.

You two had a pretty uneventful day, but did spend all your energy on talking about the differences between your world and theirs. And while it was fun, you could only talk for so long before you felt the need to rest engulf you both. It was getting late, thank goodness, so you both took this chance to enjoy the scenery and ambience of nature surrounding you.

It was peaceful.

Now, this is kind of a private matter, but you both had made up a routine whenever you hung out. You would talk for hours, and then when it was finally time for bed, a search for the perfect spot to sleep on was started, typically a patch of thick soft moss, or maybe a cave filled with life sized mushrooms. Then, after relaxing a bit, you two would inch closer to share body heat. And closer.

And closer.

Until one day it became cuddling.

That's your routine now, talk and then hold eachother gently to sleep. And in the morning you two would look for something to eat, provided by mother nature herself. You learned to always keep a lighter and something sharp with you wherever you go, just in case for these scenarios.

Now typically, since you're bigger then them, them being like half your size, you end up being the big spoon each time. Your arms always surrounding their whole body and keeping them close to you while you both dozed off to dreamland.

And you were ready to do so again, you laid down on your side and raised an arm, looking up expectantly.

"No, no," they waved their little finger back and forth while smirking. "Tonight I'M the big spoon."

"You? The big spoon? And how do you plan to do that huh?" You raised an eyebrow and them, but decided to sit up either way, curious where this was going.

"Don't worry, i got my ways," they said while puffing out their chest.

They crossed their legs and wiped off remaining specks of dirt and dust, wiggling their hips in place to get more comfortable, their cocky posture turning into something so unserious yet focused so fast you almost laughed. You looked on, grin getting wider but eyebrows knitting in confusion. Then, when they were ready, they looked at you like you looked at them earlier, expectant, and patted their lap, "your pillow, my humble human."

You couldnt help but chuckle, they seemed overly confident this was going to work and to be honest, the confidence was contagious. You slowly lowered your head onto their lap, facing away as this was a new situation and making eye contact right now was not on your to do list. After some wiggling arount for a comfortable position, checking if you weren’t too heavy for them, you let out a big sigh. This was indeed pretty comfortable, you almost wished this could've happened sooner which in turn made you wonder about the sudden change. You called out their name as a question, "so... what's the occasion?"

Their hand reached the top of your head, fingers slowly moving against your scalp, almost like a very slow petting motion you could only feel. "Occasion?" They asked.

"Yea, i mean, I'm not complaining. This is actually really nice. But it's diffrent from how we usually do this. Did you get tired of me snoring into your ear or something?" You joked, a light smirk appearing on your lips that they probably couldn't see but could hear.

"Whaat, i could never get tired of you snoring loudly into my ears while i sleep!" They joked back. "Nah, actually, I've been thinking-"

"You think? Oh my god i didnt know you could do that!"

That earned you a light smack on the back of your head, both of you erupting into laughs while you pushed your face deeper into their thighs to try and be more quiet. When you both finally calmed down, they put their hand back on your head.

"I've been thinking," they started again, giving you a skeptical look while trying not to laugh again. You looked up from your spot in their lap and shrugged, a silent sign you weren't gonna interupt again. "Ive been thinking about how unfair it is that you can hold me like that, and keep me warm, while i can't. And while i can't do the same, i figured I'd at least do something in return. Show you some love as well. Give some attention back."

"O-oh." You stammered, stunned. Guess you never thought about it that way, always focused on putting them first and trying to give them as much attention as you comfortably could.

"That's... really sweet of you," you managed to communicate. Your eyes, which were still looking at them, looking somewhere else as you smiled, a light dust of blush appearing onto your cheeks. Its not often you get to feel this way. So... small.

In a way, your roles really have switched. While they might be smaller physically, you are the one who now feels smaller, albeit emotionally.

"Is that a blush i see?" They pointed out.

You eyes widened as you were brought back into the present, blush dissappearing, thoughts no longer wandering to places themed around you little companion and their kindness.

"No it's not, humans don't blush," you lied blatantly and turned around so fast they couldn't have missed the fact you were lying.

They smiled gently and just looked at the part of you laying comfortably in their lap, hand returning to it's rightful place and ruffling your head before becoming almost stationary again. "Sure thing, whatever you say, i definitely believe you, uh-huh."

You both chuckled quietly, unable to hold back, atmosphere light and playfull as you started to calm down yet again. You yawned, which in turn made them yawn as well. It was interesting how you were different species and yet yawns were still contagious to eachother.

"Sleep time i guess," they said while stretching their arms and lowering themselves onto the ground. They were now laying on their back, your head on their stomach as to not disturb their breathing or crush any important anatomy you might not have.

"Yeah, sleep time," you whispered, already on the brink of falling asleep. Sharing these moments with them always made you fall asleep faster, sleep being a lil better then usual too.

You both bid your final goodnight's as the ambience of the nightly creatures surrounded you again, no longer overshadowed by your banter, and preparing you both for a night of good dreams...

And in the morning, you'll eat breakfast again, and probably do it all over again.

You wondered what tomorrow's topic will be...

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bcbdrums · 3 months ago

Note

for the otp asks 9, 18 and 30 for soma? and spiritstein if you want

oooh... heheh, i'll answer for both, yes.

9. If they got engaged… who proposed?

For Soul and Maka, Soul proposed. Only cuz he beat Maka to it. She was nervous, going back and forth on whether or not she should, worried he'd say no for a variety of reasons, and while she was busy warring against nerves he banished his own and took her hands over the first place they spilled blood together, their first battleground... Told her he wanted to protect her forever as more than her weapon... Aaaaaaahhhhh FEELS!!! Meanwhile for Stein and Spirit... Uh... I think I answered this in a prior ask answer already but I'll answer again. Spirit, 100% because Stein is indifferent regarding conventions. Spirit meanwhile is just as anxious and back and forth as Maka (lol) but would finally blurt it out probably under pressure and then absolutely lose it bawling because Stein would just be like, whatever. But in a 'whatever you want' way, not a rejection. Stein just doesn't think about those sorts of conventions. It's Sherlock Holmes and the solar system, for him.

18. Evening rituals?

I probably don't understand this question, but here we go. My mind is jumping straight to anime canon for Soul and Maka. Maka sticks to strict bedtime routines. Goes to bed at the same time each night, brushes her teeth exactly two minutes (she and Kid vibe hard at times), fixes her hair, and then reads herself to sleep or has a timer in case she isn't sleepy. Gotta get those eight hours in before school! Soul meanwhile....has no routine. He remembers to brush his teeth only because Maka's routine is so annoying to him. The dude falls into bed annoyed that she's so strict cuz he'd like to hang out with her a bit outside of school. So gradually, gradually... He convinces her to loosen up, and then they have weekly movie nights on the sofa. And afterward (and every night) her sweet little "good night, Soul" absolutely sends him. Poor boy can't sleep cuz he's pining so much. But these movie nights also lead to book nights. Which he complains all the way through cuz he's genuinely not interested in most of her books. And then when he is interested in some, he has to keep up the act that he isn't... Heheh. These two just spending nights in bickering like an old married couple. That's the routine. And if they ever happen to fall asleep during the movie and her head falls on his shoulder, he ain't waking her. She'd wake up tho when his drool hits her cheek, loool. For Stein and Spirit my brain is jumping all over the place... Academy days I have too many thoughts, so I don't think I should go there in this post (it'll be WAY too long). So, future them... A future where they're together. They're both so used to being alone that they would initially continue their typical routines, some of which look like the academy days. They do their own thing, follow their own interests. Spirit has a drink perhaps, goes to bed when he feels like it, reads himself to sleep (like Maka haha). Stein stays up studying something with no conception of time, falls asleep over the book or not at all. But eventually something, some triggering incident of which I'm not presently conceiving would lead them to end up sleeping on the sofa together. The personal routines wouldn't change, but then on nights when either decided they didn't want to be alone, they'd just linger in the other's presence as a sort of nonverbal cue, and sofa time would become a thing. And then I think Spirit...now at this point with the understanding that they're together, that this is real and isn't going to be lost again, would be the one to say either if he wants it or if he sees Stein in a place of needing it....would say, "hey, uhh why don't you come sleep in my room tonight?" Poor nervous sop. And then after that, that would just be a thing. One night Stein would announce amid the usual nighttime quiet, "I'm going to bed. You coming?" So it would vary between nights. And eventually reach a place of...it doesn't need to be spoken. They can exist in their quiet personal routines of study and reading and if one decides it's sleep time, they know the other will eventually follow.

30. When did they realize they loved each other?

(manga mentions/spoilers coming for those who don't want spoilers) Soul... He was definitely deeply attracted to her by the time they were in Spartoi, but I think he was attracted to her all along. Just by then it was deeper and then it was just sort of an... "oh" moment for him somewhere before the end... I wanna say he knew before Russia, but was able to focus on his feelings more after Russia. He had other stuff he was dealing with too that had priority. But yeah, like "oh, these feelings are love, but, of course I love her." So yeah just...like that. And then with Maka, I think she was also attracted to him from the very beginning and was interested in romance before he was. And I think...after he became a death scythe is when it really hit her like....everything in the world has reached a new level of seriousness, and my feelings are serious too. However, being a teenager, she didn't know what yet to do with those feelings. And here now we have the contrasting pair who didn't figure themselves out in their youth.... This bit is gonna be longer now, haha. Spirit has always loved Stein but the way he loves him has changed over time. Just like Soul and Maka, they started as partners which means a trust in the other for their lives. But, realizing he loves loves him... I don't think it was until long after he lost him. Probably in those years when he was most alone, absent wife, young daughter to raise...he suddenly realized how much he missed his real partner. But then thinking he's long past any hope of fixing that he doesn't engage his heart toward him. So a two-fold realizing... This, and then post-canon. If he can be brave enough to allow himself to open his heart up again to the possibility... He already knows how he feels. The issue is he doesn't think he has a chance at happiness anymore. Aaaaand Stein. Unhealthy obsession and confusion which I won't detail here because it will really take too long (ask me if you want me to elaborate on his feelings and how they changed over time), but he felt it when they were still teenagers, somewhere in the midst of fearing losing Spirit and actually losing him he'd start to be understanding that this is one of his feelings, but then he...accepts the loss. He doesn't think he has any other choice. The sad thing is with him it's a bit different... He accepts the loss, but his feelings only grow stronger over time. His heart is never closed in fear once he understands, like Spirit's is. His heart remains open despite thinking there's no chance of coming together. Stein would do anything...anything to show Spirit he loves him, even though he's certain there's no chance of coming together again. Post-canon I think it's he with his open heart...after the experiences of beating madness (both canons) who would be the brave one and make the move. Aaaaaahhhh I'm getting into SO much of my headcanons and giving away hints at future fics here, so I must cease.

These were VERY fun questions to answer, thank you for the ask!

#soul eater #ask answer #soma #soul x maka #maka albarn #soul evans #CrossStitch #franken stein #spirit albarn

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sephirothsplaything · 9 months ago

Text

DNA| Sec.80 high power-chapter 8

a/n: we've made it all. Lock in and pay attention cuz there's a lot of words here! This one goes out to all you Aemond wives! From here on out he's going to be a problem.

CW: mentions of sexual happenings but nothing super explicit

anyways<3

word count:3397(its worth it trust me)

below is a little gif I made with the edit version of Rhaella!

The halls of the Red Keep were something Rhaella was beginning to grow accustomed to.

The bustle of lords and handmaids alike filled the castle with traffic. Rhaella waltzed by, easily ignored by others.

Rhaenys had left Rhaella to her own devices, seeking out conversation with the king, possibly for the last time.

“I should let the guards seize you, after what you did to me.” A voice snided.

Turning around, Rhaella was faced with Aegon.

How unpleasent.

“I’m shocked you aren’t drunk at this hour, cousin,” Rhaella said.

It was mid-noon at the time of her arrival. From what she’d heard, Aegon was typically in a drunken stupor come morning.

Aegon laughed at her words, taking the liberty of stepping closer.

Far too close for Rhaella’s comfort.

“I assume you’re looking for my brother?” Aegon questioned. Rhaella averted her eyes at his gaze. He never failed to make her uncomfortable, even after all this time.

But Rhaella refused to make this known, she took a step forward in earnest.

“I’m looking for your sister, actually,” Rhaella said. This did little to alleviate the smug expression that seemed to be burned onto Aegon’s face.

“Where might she be?’

Aegon rolled his eyes, accompanied by a groan. Rhaella had already grown tired of his presence.

“ Am I my sister’s keeper?” Aegon said.

“One would think you’d care to know the doings of your wife,” Rhaella said.

Aegon grimaced at the use of the word.

“You may have my brother pussy drunk,” Aegon said, a slight slur noticeable.

Perhaps his drunkenness had finally seeped in.

“But I will not have you speak to me anyhow,” Aegon said.

Rhaella’s lips pursed slightly in annoyance. Disgusted would be the defining word for how she felt towards Aegon, but never fearful.

Fearful of what? His drunkard breath? Perhaps.

“I will speak to you however I please. “ Rhaella said. And with that, she walked down the halls.

Aegon could go pass out in a brothel for all she cared.

Arriving at one of the rooms, there sat Helaena’s son, Jaehaerys. The young boy was too occupied by his playthings to notice Rhaella’s footsteps.

She took a moment to observe Jaehaerys, the boy was only six years of age. Rhaella recalled holding his frail body at the time of his birth. It felt strange to hold a babe. She did not relish the feeling.

“Where is your mother, little one?” Rhaella asked softly. Jaehaerys looked up from his toys briefly before continuing.

“In her room, I think.” His little voice spoke. Rhaella thought about brushing the boy’s hair with her hand, as her mother used to do to her.

Rhaella decided against it. She made her way to Helaena’s quarters. The door was slightly ajar so she refrained from knocking.

“Cousin?” Rhaella called to Helaena.

Helaena looked up from her patchwork to see her beloved cousin. A warm smile spread onto her face, cheeks rose in color.

“Rhaella!” Helaena ushered her to come sit. Rhaella obliged her cousin, taking the seat next to her.

“Another embroidery?” Rhaella asked, eyeing the handiwork of her cousin.

Helaena hummed in confirmation. “It’s a spider.”

“I never had the patience for such things,” Rhaella said. She was one for histories and lectures from the maesters and septas. Rhaena was the one who excelled in sewing, arts, and music,

“It isn’t all that hard, just practice,” Helaena said. The two cousins fell into a silence familiar only to them. Rhaella watched Helaena work diligently.

“Ah!” Helaena exclaimed suddenly. Rhaella slightly jumped in surprise.

“It will be your name day in a weeks time.” Helaena said. In truth, Rhaella scarcely remembered herself. She had not celebrated the day since the death of her mother.

Rhaella watched as Helaena swiftly moved across the room, grabbing a garment into her hands.

“I had this made for you,” Helaena said enthusiastically.

Rhaella unfolded the garment. It was a dress. Rich purple silk, with gold embellishments stitched into the bust of the dress. The sleeves were long and elegant.

It was the most gorgeous thing she’d ever seen.

“Helaena...this is beautiful,” Rhaella said finally.

“I recall purple being your favorite color,” Helaena said eagerly. Only her sweet cousin would remember such a thing.

“ I did the gold bits myself, I know you prefer simple gowns,” Helaena said.

“Thank you Helaena, truly.. this is.” Rhaella was not sure how to place her gratitude.

Helaena smiled anyway. She knew Rhaella was thankful, it was more than enough for her.

“When Princess Rhaenyra is queen, I shall move into the Red Keep for you.” Rhaella decided. Originally, Rhaella had half a mind to sail back to Pentos after the princess ascended the throne.

Jace and Luke would marry Baela and Rhaena, her father would become king consort; There would be no place for her any longer.

But no more. She would not abandon her cousin to the predator that was her husband.

Helaena’s eyes glossed over with emotion. Rhaella felt compelled to continue, feeling uncharacteristically soft at the moment.

“ If I am there, Aegon wouldn’t dare to touch you.” Rhaella convicted sternly.

Helaena shrunk back slightly.

“There is a beast beneath the boards,” Helaena muttered.

Rhaella sighed. She supposed her cousin had not outgrown the bouts of incoherent musings.

“I hope to never marry, much less to a man like that,” Rhaella said, moving along.

Helaena glanced at Rhaella in confusion.

“You do not wish for a husband?” Helaena asked.

Rhaella shrugged. “There is no lord in the realm that would suit me.” She said.

Helaena smiled slightly. “No lord, perhaps a prince?”

Rhaella felt her brown cheeks grow warm. She understood the implication.

“I wouldn’t marry Aemond, I know him far too well,” Rhaella said.

Helaena hummed in thought.

“Is it not preferred to be bound to one that understands you?” Helaena asked.

For the first time, Rhaella had no answer. No profound thoughts or complex answers.

It was not a matter of understanding. It was her fear of being so known by him.

“He is not the same,” Rhaella said.

Helaena’s eyes softened. “ He still cares for you, if you’d only allow it.”

If she only allowed it. Perhaps, no harm could come from allowing such a thing.

There was no use fighting the issue any longer.

Rhaella abruptly stood, mind made up. No more games. No more control. She’d release it all.

“I’ll be seeing you, Helaena.”

Rhaella rushed out the door, Helaena’s gift in hand.

She had not the faintest clue as to what she intended to do when she saw him.

It was not like her to confess her feelings. And Rhaella knew Aemond was the same.

The same as her.

Rhaella found herself in the library. The crux of all this bother.

And Aemond was there. Naturally, she knew he would be.

Rhaella approched with caution. Aemond found refuge in the couch‘s velvet seats, book in hand.

“I thought I’d find you here,” Rhaella said. Aemond did not break from the pages of his book; He did not need to. The sounds of her voice did more than enough.

“Desperate to see me, I gather?” Aemond said. Rhaella’s hands suddenly became slick with sweat.

The enormity of her desire disgusted her.

“Believe what you’d like,” Rhaella said. She took a seat by him, peering at the book that contained his attention.

Aemond couldn’t fight the half-smirk on his face. Even in her admission, she managed to remain so haughty.

“It has only been a weeks time, yet you’ve found yourself at the Red Keep once more,” Aemond said.

“I did not come here for you, cousin,” Rhaella said. However, she would be lying if the prospect of seeing him again wasn’t half motivation for accompanying her grandmother.

Aemond hummed in response, clear disbelief.

“I was at Driftmark, my grandmother wished to visit your father and brought me along,” Rhaella said. She couldn’t be too honest, it was far too embarrassing.

“And here I thought it was my letter that brought you here,” Aemond said.

Rhaella looked up from her lap in surprise.

“You actually wrote to me?”

Aemond placed his book to the side, amusement all too apparent.

“That was your demand, was it not?” Aemond reminded.

Rhaella briefly recalled her words from before. She was hardly serious at the time.

“It must’ve arrived after I left,” Rhaella said.

Aemond looked at the dress in Rhaella’s lap, his hand brushed over the silk.

“Where’s this from?” He asked.

“Early name day gift, from your sister,” Rhaella said.

“In a weeks time, was it?” Aemond said.

Rhaella could hardly contain her girlish smile. Even after all this time, it was as if they had never left the Weirwood tree.

“In truth, I’m shocked you remember,” Rhaella said, deciding against expressing her excitement.

Aemond chuckled at Rhaella’s shock.

“As I recall, there was a time when you’d never let me forget the fact.” He said.

Aemond was older than Rhaella by a year and one. As children, Rhaella maintained that seniority meant nothing, as she’d always know more.

“ I shall be ten and eight years of age, same as you,” Rhaella said.

“Then I suppose I owe you a gift as well,” Aemond said.

The two maintained eye contact for what felt like a fortnight. Rhaella felt herself growing warm at the implication. She doubted she’d have the restraint to stop him this time.

Abruptly, Aemond stood up.

“ Come on then,” Aemond said.

Eager as she felt, Rhaella took her time in following Aemond out of the door.

They walked into the courtyards, passing by the doors.

Criston Cole, the queen’s sworn protector, stood on guard.

The buzz that Rhaella had been feeling was muted in an instant. She reverted to her ladyship state, hands folded in front of her and a bored expression on her face.

“My Prince.” Cole greeted. His eyes shifted to Rhaella with an unreadable expression. Rhaella did not have to think too hard as to who Cole would rush to report after the fact.

“Are you going somewhere?” Criston Cole asked again, completely disregarding Rhaella.

And she was thankful for it. Rhaella feared she’d be unable to control her tongue if provoked.

“I’ll be taking Vhagar, no need to follow,” Aemond said.

Rhaella supposed that was her gift.

Ser Criston bowed again, leaving them to continue.

Approaching the valleys, Rhaella made her discomfort known.

“I don’t like him.” She said.

“Ser Criston is an honorable man,” Aemond said. Rhaella rolled her eyes.

“Perhaps your version of honor is skewed,” Rhaella said.

Aemond didn’t grace Rhaella with a response.

Vhagar came into view. Her enormous body rose and fell as she softly slumbered. Rhaella paused as Aemond approached the dragon.

How long had it been since she had seen Vhagar? Since her mother’s funeral maybe.

Flurries of memories hit Rhaella at once. Her late mother had loved Vhagar with her entire being. Their bond was truly special. As a proximate, Rhaella had grown to care for the dragon as well.

When she was younger, Vhagar had always been especially soft with her. Laena had taken care to introduce baby Rhaella to Vhagar.

But that was years ago. And Vhagar had grown with a new rider.

“Well?” Aemond called out. “Get on.”

Rhaella was not so arrogant as to hold onto past memories regarding Vhagar. She was practically a stranger to the dragon.

Carefully, Rhaella made her way to the dragon, who had since woken at the appearance of her rider.

“Gaomagon ao gibigon issa?” Rhaella spoke in a gentle voice. ‘Do you remember me?’

Vhagar groaned slightly, fixing her gaze on Rhaella. Despite her fear, Rhaella stood her ground. Vhagar was her favorite after all.

“Lykiri,Vhagar,” Rhaella said. Her hand eased its way to brush the dragon’s nose, an act she had done many times as a child.

The act must’ve brought a memory back for the beast as well. Vhagar nestled into the touch.

Rhaella fought the tears forming in her eyes. Vhagar remembered her mother. Remembered her.

“Sȳz riña.” ‘good girl’ Rhaella praised. She took the liberty of using both hands to rub the scales of Vhagar all over.

“How have you been, old girl.” Rhaella cooed. “Has this one been treating you well?”

Aemond had been silent in the exchange. It was a nice moment, although he couldn’t fight the envy. Vhagar had nearly burnt him when he had first met her.

“Show off,” Aemond said simply. His hand reached out to Rhaella.

“Your jealously is known, cousin,” Rhaella said. Grabbing his hand, Rhaella was pulled onto the back of Vhagar in one fluid motion.

Aemond’s hand lingered on Rhaella’s waist for a moment before grabbing the reins.

Rhaella’s arms wrapped themselves around Aemond’s waist, admittedly hastily.

The action did not escape Aemond’s notice.

“You seem eager, my lady,” Aemond said, teasing.

Rhaella scrunched her nose at the unnecessary formality. She delivered a sharp pinch to his side.

“I have no desire to plummet to my death,” Rhaella responded, opting to ignore his tone.

Yes. She was all too eager.

Aemond took Vhagar up towards the evening skies. The wind whipped all about them, loose wisps of curls moved along Rhaella’s forehead.

Rhaella’s careful violet eyes observed the way Aemond moved in front of her. His grip on the reigns were tight as he directed Vhagar through the air.

Her mother had always used a looser grip when she mounted Vhagar. Perhaps it was a difference in bonds.

Rhaella leaned forward, chest pressing up against Aemond’s strong back.

“Where are you taking me?” Rhaella asked. Her voice carried straight to the proximity of Aemond’s ear.

“You’ll see,” Aemond responded simply. Unbeknownst to Rhaella, Aemond’s lack of words was a result of his carefully hidden flustered state.

Rhaella looked down at the passing scenery, not recognizing any of it.

“What?” Rhaella said. “Do you intend on holding me for ransom?”

Aemond couldn’t help but laugh. “If that’s what you’d like,”

Soon after, Vhagar landed in the tall grass, the vast sea in view.

Jumping down, Aemond reached up to carry Rhaella.

“I’m quite capable of getting down myself,” Rhaella said, causing Aemond to roll his eyes.

“Perhaps I should let you fall to the ground then?” Aemond said.

Rhaella glanced down at the grass. It was a way down from the massive dragon.

“Fine.” Rhaella shifted her weight as Aemond held her waist, carrying her down, causing her dress to hike up slightly.

Somehow, shame was not an emotion she found herself with. They had been in much more compromising positions previously.

Aemond did not release his grip and Rhaella couldn’t find it in herself to pull away.

“Nervous?” Rhaella asked.

“ Is that your intention?” Aemond responded.

So quick-witted, he was. One of the many things Rhaella enjoyed.

Pulling away, Rhaella sat herself on the grass. Aemond followed suit.

“Your father doesn’t have much time left,” Rhaella said. It was the first thing that came to mind.

“I suppose,” Aemond said, tone flat.

Rhaella turned to him, curiosity peaked.

“You will not mourn him?” Rhaella asked.

Aemond’s thoughts mingled together. He supposed there would be no harm to be honest.

“He was no father to me, just a spineless king,” Aemond said

Rhaella hummed. She understood.

“My father holds many things above me, I think,” Rhaella said.

Aemond’s hand found Rhaella’s in the grass, fingers brushing the top of her hand.

“He is feared in the realm,” Aemond said.

Rhaella scoffed. Daemon was the Rouge prince to all,but the Rouge father to her and her sisters.

“You admire him,” Rhaella said. There was no room for suggestion.

“Maybe I wish to be respected,” Aemond said.

Rhaella raised an eyebrow at that. She knew Aemond to long for something that affirmed his place in the realm. And she was the same.

“You wish to be a king,” Rhaella stated.

Aemond tilted his head at the statement. It was as if she was in his mind.

“You do not think I would make a good one?” Aemond said.

In truth, Rhaella did not. There was a growing darkness around Aemond that she couldn’t place. Given the opportunity for war, Rhaella was sure that Aemond would throw himself into it.

“In the way I’d make a good queen.” Rhaella scoffed.

“We would bring stability to the seven kingdoms, together,” Aemond said.

Rhaella smiled. The grin grew larger and larger until she could no longer contain her amusement, laughing loudly.

“I didn’t know you’ve taken up jests.” She said.

Aemond smiled slightly. He was serious. It escaped Rhaella’s notice.

Rhaella fell back into the grass.

“The princess will make a fine queen I think,” Rhaella said, after a while.

Aemond had no response. Perhaps he didn’t agree.

Instead, he took in the sight of Rhaella. The silver-white curls of her hair cut through the grass. Her eyes were closed, withholding those all-knowing eyes he cared for so.

Rhaella’s face was rather gentle when relaxed, one could compare her to a fawn. She scowled far too often for one to take notice.

“Rhaella,” Aemond said. His tone was calm. He had already made peace with what he was allowing himself to feel.

Rhaella sat up in response, directing her attention.

Then he kissed her. Like a man starved. The lengths of his repression no longer held weight.

And Rhaella responded. They did not need to confess what others might. It was known between them. As it was, the way it always would be.

Aemond’s body pushed Rhaella back into the grass as they continued. Somewhere along the way, the fitted corset on Rhaella’s body came loose.

The intensity of it all, there was nothing Rhaella could compare it to. Her lips found his once more, the ambiance of the surrounding area blocked out.

It was only when Aemond slid a hand underneath her undergarments did she slightly came to.

Maidenhood be dammed. It was a long time coming anyhow.

The two lay out in the grass, garments half covering their nakedness—Rhaella’s once neat braid and been reduced to messy frays. Aemond was no better, his hair was uniquely wild.

It was late into the hour of the wolf. Rhaella sat up slowly. Her fingers tangled into her hair, letting all the curls loose.

Aemond retrieved his clothing in silence however there was a self-satisfied smile on his face.

Rhaella was his.

“We should go, lest they send out the king’s guards,” Rhaella said.

Aemond hummed in agreement. He noticed that Rhaellas corset was loose. He pulled her back slightly, quick fingers lacing the backing up.

“Where’d you learn that?” Rhaella said.

“Helaena,” Aemond responded.

The pair mounted Vhagar once more. This time, Rhaella’s arms wrapped around the whole of Aemond, chin resting on his shoulder.

She couldn't deny it. Happiness had consumed her, nonchalant as she tried to be.

She need not the pact of marriage. Aemond could betroth anyone and she would not care. They’d now be tied forevermore.

They arrived back in Kingslanding. Entering the Red Keep once more, they were reluctant to part ways.

“That was an interesting gift,” Rhaella said, mirth in her voice.

“It crossed my mind to get you jewelry of some sort, but I recall you not caring much for it,” Aemond said.

“My prince?” A voice called down the hall. Ser Criston Cole. He seemed to appear anywhere she was these days.

Aemond’s hands moved away from hers. She did not protest. Their situation was...not ideal for public knowledge.

“There is something I must speak with you about..now,” Cole said. There was clear urgency on his face.

Aemond turned back to Rhaella, she wouldn’t be remiss to see the slight apologetic look on his face.

“I’m coming,” Aemond responded to Cole.

Rhaella became all too aware of the empty halls.

“Ser Criston?” Rhaella spoke. Criston Cole turned to face her. His expression was that of pure judgment. Suddenly, Rhaella felt rather self-conscious.

“Have you seen the Princess Rhaenys?” Rhaella asked.

“No,” Cole said, rather bluntly.

Aemond and Cole walked off to discuss matters unknown to Rhaella.

Rhaella carried herself back to her quarters, stripping down completely save for her underdress.

In the quiet moments between her drifting in and out of consciousness. Rhaella resolved that she would return to Driftmark on the morrow with her grandmother.

And with that, Rhaella lay limp in sleep.

#house of the dragon #black oc #oc character #daemon targaryen #aemond targaryen #black reader #rhaenyra targaryen #baela targaryen #rhaena of pentos #aemond x reader #aemond one eye #hotd aemond #aemond fanfiction #game of thrones #hotd #hotd fanfic #asoiaf #a song of ice and fire

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wisecrackingeric-2 · 1 year ago

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OKAY OKAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope you have/had an amazing day!! I’m chewing on you as a treat :) Love you!! /p 💝💖🩷💞💘

-I know it’s widely accepted that Léon has true man hygiene but I digress, he has an extensive routine with his hair and hair care and spends ages on it to keep it soft

-Luis loves this and can not for the life of him keep his hands out of Leon’s hair

-Luis, for someone of his stature, has a massive appetite and finishes off Leon’s leftovers most of the time too (The typical pointing at his plate; “Are you gonna finish that?”)

-After a while of this happening, Léon starts to realise that Luis has a crazy huge appetite and everytime he’s “not been able to finish his food” was actually a ploy to convince Léon to eat something other than microwave dinners. He never says that he’s caught on.

-Luis struggles to stand long enough in the shower to actually wash himself and his hair without having to take really long breaks and as much as he tries to brush it off, he ends up asking Léon to sit in a bath instead and help him wash his hair

-Leon is an Overboard Gift Giver, he spends hundreds of dollars on gifts, there’s no such thing as a casual gift with him. It goes without saying that he absolutely spoils Luis

-Luis is a more sentimental gift giver, old romantic with roses and chocolates and that one thing Léon lingered on too long at the mall but ended up putting back..

-Leon’s Spanish capabilities greatly improve with Luis, who teaches him how to actually pronounce things too (“Boosco un policía.. veeno arkee” Headass HAHDHEHSH)

-Luis and Ashley are the best of friends, they scream Little Sister/Older Brother duo to me, Luis will do whatever she asks, from cooking dinner to listening to 2000s girly pop music while she does makeup

-Luis Doesn’t Know How to Button His Shirts All the Way Serra

-SOMEONE had a HC that Navarro was his maternal surname and Serra is his paternal last name and I don’t know whether that was you, @/hamartia-grander, @/Geddy-leesbian or someone else BUT I AGREE

-Idc Luis and Ada are actually best friends and Ada listens to Luis gossip about Léon for hours

-He takes a lot of pride in his appearance, it’s one of his only traits that could be attributed to vanity and he spends ages putting together the best outfit for different occasions, Leon has learnt to tell Luis at least an hour in advance when they’re going anywhere

-Leon has also taken to being more openly affectionate, Luis preens under his compliments and lights up for the rest of the day when Léon tells him he’s beautiful

IM CHOKING TOU ANS STRANGLIMG YOU AND SHAKING YOU SO LOVINGLY

ARE WE THE SAME PWEAON OR SOMETHING??????? DO WE HAVE THE SAME BRAIN?????????????????? CUZ I LITERALLY HAVE SOME OD THE EXACT AAME HEADCANNONS TOO?????????????? LIKE LEON SITTING IN TBE BATH TO HELP WASH LUIS’ HAIR OR LUIS BEING AN OLD FASHIONED SENTIMENTAL GIFT GIVER VS LEON GOING ALL OUT ON GIFTS AGABSGBWDYNXHXNZJSJSJANSJDJDJ IM GONNA GO FERAL THANK YOU SOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSOSO MUCH

Also the headcannon You’re thinking Of is by @geddy-leesbian !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#gift

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winterwump · 2 years ago

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Hii can i request goo x gun nsfw hcs? 🥺 Love you, stay safe 💘

💚NSFW Headcanons for Gun x Goo💚

Author’s Note: 🚨THIS IS A MLM PAIRING, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE MLM SHIPS, KEEP IT PUSHING🚨 Hi Anon! I’m glad you requested this bc I ADORE these two more than I love most things!!! I REALLY hope you meant these two as a couple and not individually lol. I have made this mistake b4😅 Here's the SFW Headcanons 🩵 This is a LONG one so ENJOY!!!

Just to get this out of the way: They’re both switches!!! Fuck all of that heteronormative “who’s the top?” and “who’s the bottom?” bullshit.

They both think it's dumb and, there was a mutual understanding between the two that they don't mind going both ways with each other.

Sex happens in the most yee-yee ways. Like, at random while Goo is cooking, Gun decides that he wants to give head.

And 9 times out of 10, Goo is down for impromptu sex.

But funnily enough, Gun is not very likely to have a moment like the one previously described.

Gun would have to be super wound up sexually to just suck dick on Impulse lol.

They have matching sex drives…kinda.

I know that sounds like I contradicted myself from what I said about Gun, just hear me out please:

Both Gun and Goo have high sex drives, it’s just that Gun doesn't typically initiate sex and it takes him a while to get going (NO Gun does not have an erectile dysfunction lolol)

Goo, however, seems like he’s ready to go at all times, and he’s much more likely to initiate sex.

Goo is the type to drop random sexual innuendos into casual conversations that he’s having with Gun.

Like Goo is known for being “The Most Unserios Man on The Planet™”, but he’s not the type to be blatantly sexual even with Gun.

So chances are, if Goo is throwing out sex joke after sex joke, it's safe to say that Goo NEEDS to get off.

These two have mastered the art of a quickie and all variations of the proverbial quickie.

Handjobs under a table?- You got it!

Super GawkGawk-3000 WITH a facial while being chauffeured to an event? - They’ve done it (Lil Nasties lol)

Even though they’ve mastered the ancient art of being sexual deviants in public, Gun and Goo do find the time to have long-form bedroom fun.

Marathon sex. They have marathon sex. Albeit, not that often but the point still stands.

So when I say marathon sex, I mean upwards of 3 to 4 hours.

For context, sex on average last for about an hour (including foreplay). So these mfs are going at it.

But don't think that GG aren’t taking breaks throughout the marathon. Because trust me, they are. But with a caveat.

Marathon sex for GG is like a war of attrition. Think back to when they were in the sauna. Except for this time, they’re seeing which one of them cums first lol.

I lied in my SFW HC for these two when I said that paying for their penthouse was the only thing that they went 50/50.

I say that because whenever these idiots are doing their war of attrition, its split 50/50 on who cums first lol.

But once they’re both completely spent and can't go anymore, these two don't cuddle. At least Gun doesn't

Gun: It's too damn hot for cuddling, move (Cuz Goo would, no doubt, would be sprawled out on Gun regardless of who topped)

Goo: Boo you’re no fun!! Don’t you wanna hold each other?

Gun: Fuck no.

Goo: Yea, I don’t blame you!

And Goo goes to sleep, while Gun has one last cigarette before going to sleep as well.

This was fun to write, and I really hope you enjoyed reading this. I still have some WIPS to get back to, and I’ll get to them��eventually lol. Anyways, feel free to comment and request stuff. My inbox is open so have fun. BYE!!!!

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nekoannie-chan · 8 months ago

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Teamwork?

Title: Teamwork?

Fandom: Marvel, Captain America.

Ship: Steve Rogers & Brock Rumlow.

Word count: 242 words.

Square: 3 “Forcing themselves out of their handcuffs.”

Rating: Teen.

Summary: Brock and Steve have to do teamwork.

Major Tags: Handcuffing.

Additional tags: This is my entry to @seasonaldelightsbingo Language of flowers bingo. 63.

Links: Wattpad, Ao3, Spanish version.

@saiyanprincessswanie

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.

I don’t give any kind of permission for my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

Add yourself to my taglist here.

My other media where I publish: Ao3, Wattpad, ffnet, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter.

If you like it, please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.

Tags: @sinceimetyou @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @navybrat817 @angrythingstarlight @shield-agent78 @charmed-asylum @pandaxnienke @real-fbi @Smokeandnailz @white-wolf1940 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @xoxonotme @bluemusickid @leyannrae @Harrysthiccthighss @Marvelatthisone @caplanbuckybarnes @sapphire-rogers @lizzieolseniskinda @notyourtypicalrose @hallecarey1 @nana1000night @talia-rumlow @writingshae @alexxavicry @azulatodoryuga @daemonslittlebitch @chaoticcollectivenightmare @endlesstwanted @chemtrails-club @marigoldreamer @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @Here4thefanfics @theestorm @patzammit @kmc1989 @somegirlfromasgard @rogersbarber

Steve and Brock anticipated that the mission would be straightforward; it was the typical steps: infiltrate, obtain crucial information, and leave undetected.

After hours, Steve and Brock found the control room; however, before they could access the information, a silent alarm went off.

"We've got company!" growled Brock, drawing his weapon as the doors automatically closed.

"Quick, we need to get out of here," said Steve, but at that moment, they were both caught in a mechanical trap. Handcuffs closed around both of them, holding them together.

"Damn it!" exclaimed Brock, yanking the chain.

"Relax; we have to find a way to get them off," said Steve, keeping his cool, but at the same time they started towards the exit. "Let's go to the maintenance room," Steve suggested after a while. "There must be tools in there we can use."

Brock grunted. He didn't like the idea of depending on Steve, but at that point, he had no choice.

They ran down the halls, and Steve started searching through the tools. He had already tried to break them using his strength, but it didn't work.

"Having fun, Cap?" asked Brock sarcastically as he looked around, looking for any enemies.

Steve grunted. They would have to force themselves somehow to break them. He ordered Brock to hold still, and he would use the shield.

Brock rubbed his wrist as soon as he was free; he was sure he wouldn't tell anyone what happened.

#seasonal delights bingo #languageoftheflowers #steve rogers & brock rumlow

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inconsideratekidney · 3 months ago

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10/3/24

happy october! i love spooky season, not for the spooks, but for the earthy tones and slight weather change. i have definitely not prepared myself enough for this cold weather and am in a bad mood lately, but i am very ready for this season. i like it better downstate because it's very fucking cold up here.....i don't like it thaaat much up here, but everyone i know and care about is up here, so yur. i also love wearing sweaters, cardigans, sweatshirts, fun socks, ugg slippers, PANTSSSS pacifically flare pants and jeans in general.

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i like that my hair sits on my shoulders and has enough volume that it looks vibrant, but what i wouldn't do to have thin hair that is easy to put up in a ponytail and take care of. i hate how frizzy my hair looks about one hour after brushing it, how it takes so much effort to put it up and how often i see other people putting their hair up in such cute braids n shit! i want that. every day it sits awkwardly on my shoulders waiting for me to give enough of a fuck to do something about it. i also don't do anything to take care of my hair. i just hate it and stick with whatever it looks like. i don't blow dry my hair ever, i also don't wear makeup really. i only brush out my hair after it's mostly dry, then i brush it a little, cuz it just frizzes up and looks poofy and stupid when i brush it out. i don't like how time-consuming hair and makeup is. i would love to be an eyeliner and mascara girly, but eyeliner is so hard. im good with my mascara cuz i also don't want to look like im wearing anything. it's super cool to see the eye looks people come up with, but i wouldn't want people to always look at me even if it made me feel good to wear it and that i worked hard on it--if that makes people stare at me or look at me more than usual, i don't want it.

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why the hell is the boob rock all over the snapchat stories and why are these boobless computer science majors so invested in reincarnating it? it's so pathetic. get a life please.....stop bothering public safety to have to keep removing it after you guys keep replacing it......so odd and such freshman behavior. they also get so mad when you say that it's porn and upsetting women. sorry something you did upset someone else and you have to risk your ego. it's a dumb thing and honestly is such a tech school thing. sometimes i really wish i didn't go here....

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my thumb hurts less, but still hurts. i am uncomfortable with the fact that it's not healing fully and that i can easily reinjure it if i am not careful....hate that. it lowkey feels broken..... it hurts in the bone area if i bend it outwards like in a direction your thumb doesn't typically go. this is like that doctor interaction:

"it hurts when i do this, doctor."

"then don't do that!"

i don't do it on purpose, it just happens when i do life. my bad, doc.

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there really are some people in my classes that stunt my learning. some people that talk during the lecture, fidget a ton and are too loud for my liking all throughout the lecture and they sit right next to me. i am referring to one person, but they really do piss me off. they weren't in class today, so i could pay attention better... i also had to ask for help with the lab and the person next to me was of little help and i wanted to cry after asking for his help because i still didn't understand what he said or whatever the fuck i actually have to do for the assignment. that assignment sucks and can kiss my ass. i hate statistics.

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this blog is all over the place as i am plopping ideas onto the page that have come up and are all that i can remember for the time being. sometimes i write these in multiple go's and i hate it because it lacks the continuity that i crave. i also love sitting down and writing it in one sitting because it develops a theme, but sometimes that theme is very tunnel-visioned and doesn't make any sense at all. this blog is not going in one single direction or even a couple, it's going in many directions and i couldn't care less this time to fix it because i feel like shit.

speaking of my blog and continuity--i want to try to post on either tuesdays or thursdays or both. thats what i did last week and it felt easier. thursdays appear to be the worst day out of my week consistently so i hope to get at least tuesdays.

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why do people have children? i mean seriously, why? because it's what other people do; because it's the expectations your parents set for you; because you want the population to keep going; because you really wanted to have a little girl since your own childhood for vague reasons at first, then realized you hated the way you were raised and want to do better for the next generation and you can't complain about the next generation going to shit when you aren't actively having children? yeah, these reasons are very pressuring. feels rough when i don't even really want children for myself, i just want to parent in a different way than my parents, and that in and of itself could be more harmful than just not having kids. idk. i probably will have kids so i don't feel useless in the future, but also, i don't want to pressure them to do anything they don't want to....idk....

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i really dislike when people get so opinionated that they have blurred vision or even rose-colored glasses on. i want more opinions from different people, but it's also so overwhelming honestly. i need like a couple of business days to take in what people say to me, and that's way too long before people get bored or forget what five-second convo we had that i thought about for way too long.

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i scratched my watch against the wall when trying to get something in between my wall and my bed. it turns out my bed was too close to the wall and i want to truly throw it at the fucking wall because what the fuck. this thing gets scratched so easily and it pisses me off. i hope it goes away this time...it's happened before.

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i am almost completely done decorating my room. got my mushrooms up, my butterflies have a home now, i put my mattress topper on my bed, and i removed the clutter from the ground. i gotta vacuum, build the shelf, put up some posters, and get a rug from target most likely. yipee!~

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i want more frilly socks cuz my typical socks pull on my hair and it hurts like a motherfucker.

i also have been sweating too much in this cold weather. gotta pick one or the other, babe. fuck my body and its stupid inequalities.

oki, goodnight y'all love you,

kD :p

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zz-chikorita · 2 years ago

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What do your versions of Guzma, Leon, and other characters think of shiny pokemon? Like would Guzma publicly say shinies are pointless to aim for but secretly has always wanted one, has Plumeria ever shiny hunted, or have any of the grunts ever seen one or pretended to have seen one to get the other grunts going?

Also, do the people in your version of Alola have like urban legends about shiny pokemon?

Ok! So, in this universe, shinies are caused by rare genetic mutations, changing the pokemon's phenotype (as opposed to something more mystical/mysterious going on). How people regard them are different from region to region but, in general, people react to shiny pokemon similar to how we react irl to seeing normal animals with very atypical phenotypes. For example, have you ever seen a black squirrel? They're very common where I grew up but when my friends from further south saw them, they were shouting and pointing and climbing over one another in the van trying to look at it. Furthermore, have you ever seen a white squirrel? I'll tell ya, it was absolutely magical to receive a nest of squirrels at work that had fallen from a tree and open the box to find the four of them all curled up, three the normal gray coloration and one single one almost completely white, save for a few splotches. That's how I imagine people in this world react to seeing shinies.

Growing up, Guzma didn't even know what a shiny was. He even befriended a shiny oranguru as a child, but he knew him for an entire year before Kukui saw him and told him that it's rare and called a shiny. Guzma thought it was weird that the oranguru was pink, but he just figured it was an oranguru with abnormal fur. After all, he himself is a human with abnormal "fur". As such, he now thinks encountering shinies in the wild is a cool experience but he doesn't go out of his way to try and find them.

Leon was always fascinated by shiny pokemon. His parents were wooloo farmers so he actually experienced a handful of shiny wooloo hatch during his childhood. He thought their jet black fur was so pretty! During his gym challenge, he really wanted a shiny on his team because he thought it might get him more attention from sponsors (and also just because they're really cool), however he quickly became extremely attached to the members of his party. Even if he did find a shiny, he wouldn't have been able to replace any of his friends.

Plumeria is slightly obsessed with shinies. They're striking, they're different, they're unique... just like her! She also loves plushies and would always choose a shiny over a normal one if she had the choice (and the price was the same... assuming this is taking place after her thievery days lol...)

Here's a fun fact, in one of my earlier concepts of A, his salandit was actually a shiny male. Of course, it's awesome to have a shiny but kinda sucks when it happens to be the kind of pokemon that can't evolve. (Like how the first shiny I caught in PLA was a male combee -_-) I, evidently, changed it to him just having a normal male salandit cuz I think it's even more meaningful that he has this pokemon he caught himself and has decided to stick with it, even though he'd be better off finding a female that can actually evolve. But yeah, as you can imagine, any of the grunts would be stoked to find a shiny pokemon and it would probably get them hella bragging rights if anyone actually did. Of course, many will try to convince each other that they have seen a shiny ___. It's mostly untrue. They'll often go out to try and find a shiny someone saw but it pretty much just being a snipe hunt.

Moon is your typical pokemon protagonist and will spend hours and hours trying to find shinies. However, in this universe there's no "chaining" to increase your odds. You just have to keep searching. And searching. And searching. And searching...

Kalani (Surfer OC) is similar to Guzma in his view of shinies. The shiny phenomena is just a part of nature. He appreciates it when he sees it, but he won't try to search for them.

Alola has many stories/myths about atypical pokemon, many of them relating to the Totem pokemon phenomena. This includes legends of pokemon that can change their size drastically at will. One common legend related to this is of jangmo-o that can evolve or devolve on command to/from hakamo-o and kammo-o (based this idea on the Mo'o legends which are probably at least in part what those pokemon are based on). Shinies, as well as Pokemon with other distinct features were often described in the legends of 'aumakua- sacred spirits of pokemon that guard a family.

'Aumakua

Mo'o

#ask zz c #what with the hcs and such #guzma's 'aumakua is golisopod which is why his kakau tattoo is of one #it's not his familial aimakua though thats different and although i know what it is i aint telling you #just as one can have found family one can have found aumakua ie golisopod is the aumakua of Team Skull

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olive-oyl · 3 months ago

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7 years

It's been 7 years since my last post/reblogging.

7 years..so..2017

hmmm...what's happened since 2017 to now 2024. well, to name a few:

roomed in brooklyn, then with "he who shall not be named", and finally my own apt

many tattoos/piercings

broke up with "he who shall not be named "countless times, then for good in 2021. i finally spoke up about sick of him being indecisive/cruel with me. Through his getting stabbed by his own brother, my (singlehandedly) cleaned up his blood for a couple hours. Through him losing his family and my having to coax him through that. Helping him get through his nightmares/ trauma with the kitchen (that's where it happened). Helping him feel safe in his space, again...and many maaaaaany more things i did for him, to prove i was worth keeping..and still, it wasn't enough. He didnt want kids (which fast forward to now, idk if i want them either, but at that time it was a big deal cuz i was 28? and we both discussed that when i hit 30, we would try for one. (Which is fucking crazy.) He didnt wanna get married...shouldnt be too surprised cuz he didnt wanna call me his gf either (despite us chatting all day/every day, being together every weekend, cooking together every weekend, going out & fucking) Rinse & Repeat for yeeeears. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 8 times, cant put the blame on you. Kept waiting for the "what if" *insert eye roll here* We grew apart. I moved forward, and he was held bent on staying in the same place. In the end, i was too much for him, and we wasnt enough for me. You know when he FINALLY decided he wanted to give "us" a try again, the day I dumped him.

Storm passed. The hardest day of my life.

realllly got into astrology/tarot/practicing

at some point i had a photography job, was focused on that a while. Then dropped it and started sketching, then tried painting for the first time. turns out, I'm a natural. took onto it beautifully and am good at it

learned how to bake bread/ cookies from scratch

changed my hair a bajillion times, but had locs at one point. they were beautiful, but heavy/hurt my neck

i did a bonfire in the forest. helicopters hovered, so i got spooked and stomped it out (but only after roasting marshmallows for s'mores)

worked with kids

dated a musician, that guy from the circus, the government official, an author, a middle school math teacher, an artist/twitch streamer, a couple, the horse and the older guy

He's been a supressed memory, and every time the thought of him creeps back in and i cant shake it, i'll just cry over til i supress it all over again. He's invaded my brain space, so, im typing this through tears.. This is probably silly & im currently hormonal, but Andy got let go. It's been..5-6 years, and it still hurts. I love him very much and once it happened...i felt like it was too late. I resented "he should not be named" for it, that ass hat wasn't worth it. And honestly, since losing Andy, I've always felt alone. I lost my safe space. I was still living with HWSNBN and it was, honestly, a hostile environment. We never really spoke, we got into a few bad fights and he was trying to kick me out after he put his hands on me/broke 70% of my shit. I wasn't allowed to express myself/how i felt without getting ridiculed for it...so, i shut down. Wasn't allowed to talk. So, when I was with Andy, I finally spoke up. Told him all the things i wish i could say, go on long walks with him. We'd eventually talk about other things and have lots of laughs/ giggles. He'd hold my hand as we wandered. And his hug...man, i miss his hugs. HWSNBN's hugs weren't safe. He would actually weaponize them against me, often. Andy's were safe. I could sleep in them. My brain, which would typically run a mile a min, would trickle from a whisper to just silence- in his hugs. He was my safe space. Anywho, one day, he lashed out at me for talking about the HWSNBN situation, and my world shattered. Andy was the one person who would let me ramble on for as long as i needed to. The one person who would HEAR me. Would reassure/correct me - without judgment. I'm sure he was prolly sick of hearing my whining/bitching about the situation..but the way he snapped at me...my whole world broke. I felt silenced...by him.. And i never felt that from him before...What was left of this fragile heart, crumbled to pieces and I stopped talking. Walked away and never spoke a word to him again. Was his reaction justified? Prolly. Prolly not. Was mine rash? Prolly. Prolly not. Will we ever reconnect? Prolly not. Will i ever stop thinking of them? Prolly not. I lost a part of me..and i don't think i'll ever get that back. He may not have been my lover, but he was my person.

i picked up skating. Tried quads, and sucked mega donkey nuts at it. Switched to blades, this year, and I love it

went to Chicago to see Kaytranada

Got Steven (chunky tux)

went to comic con a few times, and had an alllll out cosplay as Rose Quartz

pink hair for nearly 2 years

got a scholarship for a writing program and is currently 3 days away from submitting for certification.

Daz it for now. Its 3:30am and ive written a random ass essay post to the void of tumblr...so..im back? lol

TBD

#catch up #ramblings #where have you been #life update

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jodilin65 · 33 years ago

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MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 1992 I’m on my patio which is very well-shaded. We need a massive thunder and lightning storm.

I went down to check the mail but there was nothing. I hear if any day he’s late, it’s Mondays. I’ll go check again in an hour.

I called for my test results and it still shows that I have a bacterial infection. Now I have to use a cream that’s been called in. That’s bad enough that I always have one fucking infection after another. What’s a whole lot worse is that in two months I must have another pap smear! No way. Those things are too painful. The nurse said to see if I can bring someone with me. Yeah, right. Get real. Like anyone cares?

I also called the phone company and found out two new things today. One is that I can get a letter of credit from CT to waive the $170 deposit. Two is I don’t have to pay $5 a month for long-distance blocks.

I will go talk to Tara later about her taking me to Hatcher St. with the form I had my doctor fill out. After I show them a rent receipt, proof of income and all that crap, they send the form to someone else. They’re the ones who either approve it or deny it. I have a feeling this is gonna take forever and I’ll be waiting there for 3 hours just like at the food stamp office. Also, one worker says you need to make an appointment, another says they don’t make appointments. That’s typical, huh?

I hope Andy can take me to Goot’s pharmacy. I’m so glad I was switched from Alupent to Proventil. I like it so much better cuz I get less of a pounding and racing heartbeat and I don’t have to use it as often. My asthma’s improved so much and today was the first day in years I did not have to take my Proventil when I woke up! I always used to have to take the Alupent or Proventil when I’d first wake up, but today’s the first day in years where I didn’t have to! I only took my Theodur and the Azmacort which are preventions, not meant to be taken whenever you feel like it. The Alupent and Proventil are the ones you take as needed to wipe out the wheezing instantly unless it’s so bad that you must go to the ER.

I think I will go and check the mail now, then go for a swim. I hope I’ve got a letter from Kim or somebody.

Later…

As usual, I didn’t get any mail at all. I think UPS will come tomorrow, rather than today.

I’ve spoken to Tara and Tonya a few times and we’ve had some really good talks. Tara said she appreciates having a woman around to talk to.

I’m gonna bring them my manicuring books and also an extra pair of scissors they mentioned needing. Then I’ll see when it’s convenient for Tara to take me to Hatcher St. I’m gonna have to wait till around the 15th, though. That’s when I can get a current rent receipt.

In the meantime, you know my rule. I’ve made the first move, now let them come to me. I sort of want to quit while I’m ahead and not see them too often to avoid problems just like I don’t see Kara every day. But Kara is a good friend and I do like her.

I’m gonna see if Andy wants to pay for us to go see the Twin Peaks movie, Fire Walk With Me. I’ll pay him back my share in food stamps if he wants.

The other day was so funny when Stephanie saw me coming to the pool with Tara and Tonya. She grinned and winked at me. I told Tara and Tonya that she was gay too and that I think she thinks we’re together. They laughed and thought that was funny. I told Stephanie alone, that they’re really nice and that they’re roommates who just moved in. I told her I doubted anything would happen, but I’d keep her posted.

That was the day I played volleyball in the pool with Sue, Steve, Robert, his cousin and a few others. It was lots of fun and Kara, Tara and Tonya were shocked at how many people I know around here.

Andy and Steph were talking about Tara and Tonya and Andy says Steph really likes me as a friend. That’s cool. I like her too.

A few days ago, due to Kara’s helping me, I gave her some cigarettes and made her, Ashley and myself a hot dog. We had lots of fun swimming, too. I put on my nose clips that time so I could go underwater and use both hands to do somersaults and handstands. Whenever I’d do a backflip, my hair would be in my face. It was really goofy looking and the look on Ashley’s face was so funny. I’m gonna go grab my nose clips and see if they’re home and want to go swimming now.

Later…

I went over to Kara’s and we all went swimming. You can tell Ashley’s getting to know me and recognizes me. Hopefully, she won’t be so fussy tomorrow when I babysit her. Kara’s mom got her a playpen for $5 at a yard sale. She’s gonna bring it over tomorrow which is great. That way I won’t have to be chasing her all over.

I now see Fay heading towards the other pool.

Last night, there was a knock on my door and it was Ellie. She goes, “Grab a cough of cuppee and…”

I cut her off saying I was busy and then I shut my door on her.

Today’s the kids’ first day back to school. Man, was this always a depressing day for me! Any miserable times as an adult sure beats my childhood. What a miserable kid I was. I hated school, and when I wasn’t in school I’d have to deal with my mom. Or Brattleboro and Valleyhead.

My nieces start school this Wednesday. Lisa’s excited, so thank God at least she enjoys school.

Tammy told me they’d get a letter out to me as soon as they get situated. I’ve got to get a letter out to Tammy and mom and dad. I have Sarah’s b-day card ready. I can’t remember if she’s gonna be 2 or 3. Becky’s 5 and Lisa’s 9.

I can’t wait till my family can come see me. I really do miss all of them and I’m dying to show off where I live and how happy I am.

Oh, guess what happened yesterday? When I went over to see Andy he asked, “Have you any idea why the Norwich police dept. would call at 5:11 in the morning?”

At first, I couldn’t think of any reason, then I remembered my letter to Debbie. The way I see it, it’s my constitutional right, there was nothing threatening or sexual. Just very very strange, but I’ll write no more letters to her. I told Andy to just ignore the call and that if he got a call and he didn’t recognize the voice and they asked for me, to say there’s no Jodi there. I mean, what the hell are they gonna do about a letter that makes no sense with a few pieces of hair in it?

Going for another swim now!

Later…

I am out on my patio now and I have been in such a good mood. Since I moved here I have had so many happy days despite the money problems. I wish I moved here a long time ago. I have had more happy days since June 9th than I’ve had in years. After being miserable for so long, I really appreciate being so happy now. It feels great. It also feels great to have my asthma be so much better.

Tomorrow marks two special anniversaries for me. One is that 7 years ago I began losing 40 pounds. Two is that it’s been 3 years with no Navane. I knew as well as other supportive and understanding people that I didn’t need any drugs. I needed a life with good people who were willing to deal with me, let me be myself and be there for me during my good and not-so-good times. No drug can replace what I have now, even though I’d still like to be a singer.

When I last went to the pool, Andy came in for a swim and we had a nice talk. We admired the beauty around us and compared it to back east. Here everything’s so new, cheap and beautiful. Back east everything’s old, dumpy and expensive.

There’s been an awesome breeze out and we’re due for a storm, I hear.

Andy and I made burgers and hotdogs on the grill. It took forever to get it lit cuz it was so windy. We also made collect calls from the payphone. He’s coming over in an hour or so and we’re gonna play cards.

I’m getting tired now, so if we do get a storm and he wants to go drive on top of the mountain, I don’t think I’ll go. I told him I would, but now I really am starting to tire down. I got up at 7:30.

I think I’ll go to the Jacuzzi now and later I’ll write about Tara. I really really like her!

Later…

It’s dark now and I’m on my patio. But I have my light on just inside my sliding glass door so I have plenty of light.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago, then went to see Tara, but there was no answer.

Andy may have fallen asleep by now as he’s been up so long. I’m getting tired myself now so I’ll finish tomorrow.

Later…

I hope I get my package tomorrow!

Tara’s gonna take me to Goot’s, then I gotta be back by 3:00 at least so I can babysit.

Even though Kara’s moving two minutes away, I wish she wasn’t.

I met another girl who lives above Kara who’s also named Kara, but she prefers to use Linda which is her middle name. I’ve seen her boyfriend around several times as well as her.

I saw Sue today, too. Also, Stacey. Not Kara’s sister, but the other one who I couldn’t figure out why she left me hanging. Her son was in the hospital with pneumonia for 4 days and she hasn’t gone out cuz he’s still not quite over it. I told her to let me know if she needs me.

Andy was so funny at the pool earlier when we were cooking and on the pay phone. I had my suit on under my skirt which I took off to go for a swim. He put it on and started dancing around. Two people I didn’t know, along with Tara and Kara were cracking up. Then Paula was on her way around the corner showing apartments to people when I yelled out to him that she was coming. He quickly slipped it off, thanking me for the warning. Then says, “And these are the people that live here.” We were laughing our asses off, then I went and had a nice talk with Tara. I really do like her and I’m glad we met, but I’ll write all about her another time.

Current Location: Arizona

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30, 1992 Well, now I have to wait another month or so before I can lie out in the sun. I have this hideous sun poisoning. It’s an itchy rash all over that looks like lots of reddish zits. What a bummer, huh? Just when I’m beginning to really tan. I spoke to Dad earlier and he said to wear a T-shirt till it cools down.

He also said he called SS and for me to tell them to take a little at a time. I have 30 days to talk to them or ask for another waiver form, even though that’ll do no good. He said that September’s check will be the full $426 as they can’t touch it till they send me a letter stating how much they’re gonna take per month. The whole thing is so stupid. They’re doing this cuz I didn’t tell them sooner that I’d be moving.

All states are different as far as what they pay. New York and Massachusetts are the highest. Connecticut’s lower and Arizona’s nothing as far as SSI goes.

There’s a special edition of Unsolved Mysteries coming on, so I want to get a bite to eat. During commercials, I’ll write.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29, 1992 I just polished my toenails and I’m writing while they dry.

Mark next door is occasionally fun to be around, but overall I’ve come to hate him. His attitude stinks and he hates the whole world. All he can do is rank on my friends, talk about sex and pressure me about getting stoned with him. So, yesterday when he knocked on my door to go swimming, I said I’d go and decided to turn the tables around. I reminded him of how he said he likes aggressive women who dish back to him what he dishes out. After all, I do give what I get. So, I started pressuring him into things I know he’s not into and ranking on all his friends. He said he no longer has any friends cuz they moved. I really gave it to him good at the pool. It was fun for both of us and when I said something that wasn’t too funny in his opinion, he pretended to laugh anyway.

Later…

I didn’t see Fay or Andy yesterday but Kara left a note on my door. They’re moving next Tuesday and I’m gonna babysit Ashley. Not that I’m looking forward to it, but it’s helping a friend while earning a little money.

Robert has his cousin visiting from Santa Fe. Luckily I woke up at 6:00 as at 8:00 he was running around up there to get the place cleaned up. It would’ve woken me up if I were sleeping and I’d have been pissed. His cousin’s getting up tomorrow at 6:00 and he says he’s a gorilla. I told him he better not be or I’ll be a gorilla. I have a right to my schedule, too.

I had a great time yesterday with Tara and Tonya. So far they’re super nice for such good-looking girls. We talked about all kinds of things and they’re definitely very open-minded and accepting of me.

Tara’s an awesome artist! She showed me an awesome airbrush painting she did and Tonya’s done some modeling. She showed me portfolios and several pictures and they were beautiful.

Their apartment is gorgeous. They have a 2-bedroom and there are also 2 bathrooms. One bathroom is just like mine and the bedroom’s the same size as mine. That’s the one Tonya has.

Tara’s room is huge and her bathroom’s big, too. She has a sliding glass door off of her bedroom that goes out to the patio along with the sliding glass door off the living room.

They each have their own car so they told me to let them know if I’ve got to go anywhere.

I showed them my place and my drawings, too. Tara’s drawings make mine look sick, though. I also showed them all the pictures Andy took. You know, the ones my mom flipped out about.

I had begun to tell them stuff about themselves I shouldn’t know. I thought, oops! I was afraid I’d freak them out, so I explained it to them. They thought it was so neat. They said they always wanted to meet someone like that and that they wish they could do that.

Well, there’s so much more to write, but I need to lie down for a little bit.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28, 1992 I got up at around 3 AM and now I am eagerly waiting for the pool to open. It won’t be open till 8:00, said maintenance. I have my sliding door open and my windows. My ceiling fan’s on.

Every morning the maintenance guys go around the grounds collecting garbage with these tong-like things. They do various other stuff too, like repairs in apartments, painting, cleaning the grills and taking care of the pools and the grounds. Monday mornings suck. That’s when they mow the lawns.

While I was asleep, Kara left a note on my door. She wants to know if I’ll babysit Ashley next Tuesday. God knows I don’t want to, but I will to help my friend and earn a little money.

It amazes me that I never heard her knock.

Fay came over with a peace offering. A little table for my patio. We had a good talk and I told her how I felt. She is a nice person, she’s funny, and she’s helped me and cheered me up, but if there are any more lies, I’ll end it with her permanently with no peace offerings. She promised me that if she has anything to say about me, she’ll come say it to me.

I haven’t really seen Ellie and I don’t miss her. I think I’ll only be able to handle her if I see her very occasionally.

I got more color yesterday at the pool but I have this obnoxious itchy heat rash.

I didn’t see Sue at the pool, the girl I just met who works for the children’s protective services. Instead, I saw Angel, Brian, Bonnie, Stephanie and Tara.

At 11:00 I had gone to Tara’s to tell her the truth, but there was no answer. She said maybe she was in the shower as she’s home all day unless she’s got errands.

Fay gave me good advice. She said to go over, be honest, tell them the truth and what happened with Rosemarie. Fay said to tell them to make up their minds and keep them made up. Don’t go jerking me from one extreme to another and contradict themselves as Rosemarie did.

So, while I was using the grill I saw Tara at the pool. I told her I must be honest with her up front and she’s to take it or leave it. When I told her she laughed, saying she thought I was gonna tell her some big horrible thing, like I killed someone. She said her aunt’s gay and she and Tonya both had gay friends back in Colorado.

I told her I’d stop by her place sometime today. I’ll go see Kara also.

When Robert came down to go to school, he said to let him know if I find a black wallet. I asked if it was finder’s keeper. He said there was no money in it. Only his driver’s license. Oh well.

I’m waiting for Mark to come out to go to school. I’m gonna pounce all over him. I’ll write about that one later. Now I’ve got to have a bite to eat while I’m waiting for Mark and waiting for the pool to open. I need a good swim to wake me up.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27, 1992 Yesterday my food stamps came! I was so psyched and I literally cried tears of relief. Angel’s husband Brian took me to the store cuz Andy was asleep at the time. Once I finished shopping and was in the checkout line, I saw Andy at the courtesy desk. He ran over to the thrift store, then brought me back. It feels so great to finally have a full refrigerator and full cabinets. I will now eat quite well.

Andy and I spoke yesterday at his place. He was very upset with the people who are supposed to fix his car.

He also said several things Fay and Ellie said that were bullshit. I’m so sick of Ellie’s delusions and moods. Her mood changes every 5 minutes and the woman is a nut.

Also, I’ve been catching Fay in more and more lies that are just adding up too much. I also know she was the one who lied to Rosemarie and Rick and got them to come over here. She said that if she did, it was her business. Yeah, well they really made it my business too, though, in the end, she did me a favor.

Andy told me other lies that he said he knew were lies. He also says he thinks Fay’s jealous cuz I’m tiny and she’s a 270-pound bitch. Also, she said she was gonna dump me (to Andy) and Andy feels she doesn’t want me to have any friends. She won on that one, cuz I’m not gonna have many friends.

I went over to her place and told her I’ll dump her and do the job for her. I told her how I feel and that she and Ellie cannot have a 24-hour-a-day friendship with me. They said they understood my schedule’s crazy, but naturally, they contradicted themselves on that one.

I’m tired of both their games and attitudes and I told them both I no longer want anything to do with either of them.

Andy says all this is still worth meeting people. What, does he want to get hurt? And see others get stepped on? I’m sorry, but I have self-respect and if I allowed myself “friends” like them I wouldn’t be a true friend to myself. Hey, that’s what happens when you lie. You do lose friends. True friends don’t do the things they’ve done.

I’ll write more later. I need a smoke now.

Later…

I got up last night at 2 AM. I’d have preferred to sleep till 4:00 or 5:00, but at least I have food and cigarettes.

I washed my hair and I’m gonna make sure I don’t get it in the pool today. When I go tanning I’ll put it up. I got some good color yesterday and I want to get more today. The only obnoxious problem is that I get a heat rash. Heat rash and break out with lots of little itchy bumps that look like thousands of zits. Mainly on my chest, stomach, thighs, and a little on my shoulders.

So far in the 3 months I’ve been here, or almost 3 months, I’ve been stabbed in the back and dumped by two people, and I dumped one liar and 1 nut job. Real good, huh?

Every time I want to be left alone and ignored, there’s somebody else there. Do I have a sign on me that says: Be my friend and real nice at first, then dump me or give me a good reason to dump you?

I was in the pool on my raft when some girl called out hi to me as if she knew me. She spoke more than I did and we discussed many things. Mainly about Arizona, other places and people. She told me she studied a lot about human behavior and when she mentioned her very good job as a children’s protective worker and all about the school, it scared me. Her job’s no match for one on disability and once again, just cuz I know I’m not stupid and I know myself, am happy with who and how I am, know my feelings, and I don’t need her coming down on me. She didn’t, though my head was saying not to talk to her. My heart was saying don’t prejudge her by others, wait till she does something. I told her this up front too, and that I’ve had a lot of problems with some of the people there.

Well, she’s OK as a pool buddy. Then again, I wonder if pool buddies are a cool idea. When they fuck me over, I’m gonna want to go to the pool and I’d appreciate not having to see them or know they’re there. Makes me wanna puke when I see Donna or Rosemarie and now Fay and Ellie.

Tonya wasn’t at the pool but Tara was. She wrote down her number which I never asked for. There are 3 things I could do, and I don’t know which one I should do. One, I could go over there and say nothing. Two, I could tell them I’m gay, accept it or leave it without changing their minds later on down the road. Three, ignore them. God, do I hate this! What do I do?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 1992 Well, I didn’t sleep as long as I’d have liked to. I slept till 12:30.

My neighbor, Cliff, who lives above Mark, says he’s got the day off tomorrow and can take me to the store. I hope I get my food stamps tomorrow, but I doubt it’ll be that soon. Yesterday, though, I did get my food stamp ID card. I hope they’re on their way for once, but if not I’ll have to use the few dollars I have to get a few things. I need to spare my cash for cigarettes and I hope mom and dad have money on the way.

It seems like 80% of my journals are all about my need for money. Is this how it’ll be for the rest of my life? But of all the reasons I can come up with that are not worth living for, this is another one. Who wants to go through life having no food half the time? You don’t have to feed a dead person and mom and dad don’t have to worry or help a dead person financially. A dead person can’t worry about not being a singer. A dead person can’t be burned by jerks. A dead person can’t want to be with someone.

God, I hate feeling this way! Especially here. It’s too beautiful here to have to worry about food and money. I’m glad that it’s gotten much easier these days knowing I cannot have a career as a singer, or the ideal relationship, or a child, but I’d be super, super, super happy if I could eat, pay the rent and bills and have a little left over for fun.

Thank God my parents and their place is OK. Dad says within two months I’ll have the rest of my stuff back.

Yesterday I sent out my electric bill and letters to Lisa, Fran and Nervous. I sent out Andy’s letter as well as Debbie’s letter. I also had junk mail with no-postage-necessary envelopes. I’ve sent in Debbie’s request for a jewelry catalog as well as for a Visa card. In a few months, Barbara will get a letter. Meanwhile, whenever I have a no-postage-necessary envelope for whatever, I’ll send it to Barb and Debbie along with various other people. I have to get a letter out to Mark, Tammy and my parents next.

Later…

I am dead tired today. I didn’t even sleep 8 hours and wish I’d slept a few hours later. Once I’m up, though, I’m up. I’ll just feel groggy all day. What would really perk me up would be to get my food stamps today, go shopping, come back and go swimming and work on my tan.

I spoke to Ellie and Fay briefly yesterday. As usual, Ellie started off cheerful, then she got crabby.

I helped Fay fill out a form for her yearly food stamp review. I left her alone in the apartment for a few minutes to go tell Mark I’d get a ride from someone else (he was drinking) and she stepped out saying she’d be right back. I hope she didn’t steal anything which I haven’t discovered yet. You know how paranoid I am about that. I also do a damn good job of attracting people like that.

I very quickly spoke to Stephanie and Angel yesterday. Angel’s sister Grace has gone back to Idaho where they’re from and now another sister of hers is here. I guess her name’s Bonnie. On my way out of the pool area, Angel asked me how things were going. I told her I’d be friendly and say hi, she’s never done me wrong, but I’m being cautious and keeping my mouth shut. I told her thanks for her concern, she’s a nice person, but I’ve been burned twice unfairly. I’m keeping to myself.

I also met two really nice girls who are roommates named Tara and Tonya. I met each one once before. They both have cute faces and medium-length hair blond hair. Tara’s a little heavy and Tonya has a very nice figure.

Tara says she plays the keyboards and they both want to get together with me. Once again, they all seem nice in the beginning, so I really hope they don’t pursue my friendship. I don’t think they’ll really bother seeking me out. They seem fairly stable and not the type to do such things. I have no idea how open-minded they may or may not be, but they seem like the dumpers, more than the dumpees.

The maintenance man came and fixed my bathroom faucet which dripped. He also moved my underwear almost behind the toilet but left my shorts and tank top where they were. I gave him permission to come in if I wasn’t here and I guess males are always males no matter what. I shouldn’t have left the clothes there either. The maintenance men stare me down all the time. They’re shabby scabby Mexicans. The exact type that would stare me down. I gave a show on my patio the other day. I pretended to be fighting with someone in my apartment.

I got some more CDs in the mail. That was fast.

When I go to the store, it’ll be after the mail gets here, but I doubt my food stamps will come today. Fay said Friday or Saturday, but I hope sooner.

Later…

I just spoke to Mark briefly, then went into the Jacuzzi.

Fay was on the pay phone and I headed over to Ellie’s for coffee but she was asleep. I could see her in bed through the side of her blinds.

I borrowed Andy’s vacuum yesterday and I woke him up. Well, I didn’t, his door did. He’s got a very squeaky door. Sometime today, I’m gonna vacuum my bathroom and kitchen after I scrub them down.

At 9 AM I’m gonna watch a talk show.

MONDAY, AUGUST 24, 1992 I am a little anxious now as I’ve heard on the news Florida’s gonna be hit by Hurricane Andrew. It’s supposed to be the worst in history. We’ve been hit here with tropical storm Lester and we’ve had lots of rain. I guess Miami’s gonna get it worse, but they say the coast is always the main target and I’m worried about my folks. No one in this family needs any more shit. We’ve all had enough and should they lose their home I’d be just as affected. I don’t mean to sound selfish, but my pictures and other things of mine are there. Also, I need their help financially. All they need is that crisis on top of what’s happening to me now. I’m scared for them and I’m scared for myself. This hurricane is supposed to be worse than Hurricane Hugo in 1989. They’ve also already estimated 10 billion dollars worth of damage.

Not only do I pray to you God to lift the curse off of me and allow me to be OK real soon money-wise, but leave my parents alone, too! Don’t let this hurricane destroy them. What is it I must do to make everything OK? With my parents and with me? If you can hear me up there, please spare my parents and find a way for me to go to the grocery store fast. For a huge shopping order. Please let them send me my food stamps this week. I promise to behave and keep out of trouble if you make sure I have enough food and cash. Also, please let my test results be OK and the visit with my parole officer be OK. Take care of my parents and me in the way that I ask and I will try to be as good as I can and I will keep to myself. Remember how happy I was when I first came here, even though I had a bad vibe? Allow me to feel that again, worry-free with no bad vibes. All I can say is that I’ve been through too much. Enough is enough and I don’t want to “prove” my strength anymore. I miraculously went through the crap I did in CT and with money here and never cut myself. Isn’t that enough? Isn’t that good enough proof for you? Let me be OK so I can relax and be happy. Free me from worries, fears and anxieties. Take care of my parents. There’s nothing else I can say as I’ve nailed it to the point.

Later…

I’m watching Matlock now and I think I’ll go to bed after Oprah. I’ve been up since 8:00 last night. I hope no one knocks on my door or Robert walks too hard so I can sleep hopefully much later than 8:00.

Starting at 8:00 Eastern time I began trying to reach my parents and got no answer. At 9:30 Eastern time, I got in touch with Tammy after the line was busy for a while. She’d just spoken to Ma and they’re fine and so is the island. She did leave on the 1st but they went other places before getting to Mom and Dad on the 10th. On the way back a suitcase of clothes fell off the top of their van. Dad said the same thing happened on the way down.

I spoke to Mom and Dad and they’re fine.

I do have more to say, but I’ll write later. I’m getting very tired.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23, 1992 I’m watching Little House on the Prairie. The Twin Peaks movie is finally out. It starts on the 28th. It’s called Fire Walk With Me.

Last night I thought of a great way to mail letters free with no stamp. You write the address of the person you want it sent to as the return address. Put a phony name and address as the one you’re gonna send it to and it’ll get sent to the one you want it sent to returned for postage.

I made up a letter for Robert upstairs with some of the hair my dad sent. I also got a new and better letter for Debbie back in Oakwood Knoll with some hair. Next will be Barbara a few months from now. I want to space them out. I also have several others to send mail to in MA. Besides Nervous, Fran and Kim.

When I get a phone I’ll contact Jessie collect. If it won’t go through, I’ll try from a payphone or write her a letter. I also am gonna send Andy a letter. It’s got his address as the return one, of course, and Jayke in Chicopee, as who he’s sending a letter. He always says he never gets letters anymore since I moved here. It’ll be a surprise as I haven’t said anything about it.

I’ve got to stop for something to eat. I’m fucking starving!

Later…

I’m boiling water now to make some noodles.

Earlier I ran into Robert and two of his buddies. He introduced us (I forgot their names) and I joked once again about how I saw him profiled on America’s Most Wanted. He laughed and said he saw me on his milk carton. I told him I ran away from Taxachusetts.

We all went to the Jacuzzi and were laughing and telling all kinds of jokes.

He reminded me of our little arrangement and asked if I knew of any girls for him. I told him I didn’t and he knew of no one either.

He asked if it was me who made those funny calls and I burst out laughing. He said he knew of some pranks for me and they were all laughing at my calls to him. I told him about the letter and I gave it to him when we got back.

I have to send a letter to Mark next door. Then again, I’d rather send one to Donna. It’s been a long time since she’s heard from me. I have to try this on my mom and sister, too.

I wonder if my sister’s back home now. She said she’d call me when she returned but I have not yet heard from her.

Monday I need to call my bank about my balance. Also, I’ll call Peggy Sue at DES (Dept. of Economic Security) about my goddamn mother-fucking food stamps. Will I ever get them? If I don’t and what with SS fucking me over, my parents are gonna need to send me around $300 a month. I mean, they’re absolutely gonna have to. I can’t be evicted and totally starving. So they may have no choice.

I’m managing fairly well to try to keep my fear, anger and anxiety in check and smile and laugh. I’m also nervous about the results of my pap smear and when my parole officer comes to see me. I also want a phone!

Now with no more babysitting jobs except for Kara’s baby occasionally and not knowing what the fuck’s going on with my money, I better wait on getting a phone. I hate babysitting with a passion but I do need the money. I’m gonna call up Stacey, or go over there and thank her for leading me on, rather than telling me what’s going on.

I’m so sick of worrying about money! My stomach problems are worse since I have no choice but to not eat right. I never ate right all the time when I did have food money, but now it’s been so long since I’ve eaten right or enough. Not since last May. What is my purpose in this world? I wanna try to enjoy myself here the best I can without worrying about money, bills and food. And mind my own business, stop being so friendly and stop making friends. Just say hi to people and leave it at that.

I wish I could go to bed now and get up at 1:00. That way I can tan. Tomorrow’s gonna be a great day for that at only 94º.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21, 1992 Not too much happened today. Andy and I went to get my meds. I got my Theodur and Azmacort, but they say as of Aug. 1st, the state will no longer pay for Alupent. It figures there’s got to be some problem for me. The woman there is gonna call Dr. Kareus and see if it can be changed to something similar like Proventil or Ventolin.

I’m really nervous about the results of my pap smear. This bloating stomach of mine, along with the funny feeling in my lower belly and the discharges has been going on too long. It’s really obnoxious. I am DES-exposed after all, and I do have a much higher chance of cervical cancer.

I swear that if I ever did need surgery again in my life for something that serious, I’d refuse. I’d rather die first and I still feel there are more reasons to want to drop dead than to live for. There are too many more problems in this world, even though things have improved as far as my living conditions. Too many more fucked up people than good and too many second-best and settlements to live for.

I still feel there’s a curse on me and there’s still a long way to go to getting food stamps and financial security. Something’s out to get me and get me good. It would’ve sounded crazy to me a long time ago, but now it’s rather obvious. So much goes wrong that I didn’t deserve. People shit on me I never shit on.

The horriblescopes, as we call them, in the TV guide are always accurate. What I read scared me. I went over to say hi to Fay. She gave me some cups and mugs she no longer wanted and whenever she’s got the TV guide I read the horriblescopes. I can remember reading these from TV guides a few years ago and what they said was true. The only thing it was off on was romance cuz it doesn’t apply to me. I read the horriblescopes from last Sat. to this Sat. It said to keep isolated and distance myself from people, otherwise, they’ll burn me whether I ask for it or not. It was right. The horriblescope from this Saturday to next Saturday was scary, but I figured as much anyway. It said delays and frustrations are right for me now.

Gee, thanks a lot! When is this shit gonna end with food stamps and SS? Taking away my dream of becoming a singer and having lust is enough. Making life one big settlement’s enough, but can’t I eat and pay my bills?! When it’s over, you know it’s over, but I can still sense more trouble ahead. Sometimes I wish I would come down with some terminal disease. One that’d wipe me out quickly and painlessly. I doubt there’s any such way to go, but I have had just way too much physically and mentally. Why can’t I just have one solid year of non-stop happiness and peace? This crap with Rosemarie was one thing. That much I can deal with. I’m so used to it, but give me my God damn food stamps and get SS off my back with their lies and bullshit! That way, settling will be easier and the smaller problems will be more tolerable. I have too many major setbacks which all hit me at once. All can go OK for a while, then I’m hit with several major issues and problems. Space them out and cut them down in size and severity, please God!!

Later…

We’re having a thunder and lightning storm which is awesome. We’re also having a cool spell. It actually feels cool and very comfortable. It’s around 75º but it feels so much cooler. If it were 75º at home, it’d be hot. Probably muggy, too. We do have some humid days here but nothing like back east. Notice how I refer to it as back east, rather than back home. Anyway, it’s very dry now and there’s a fantastic breeze. I always open my two windows and my sliding glass door when it’s windy to air out the place. The storm’s over now but before, during and after a storm it’s very windy.

Now I see what Andy means when he tells me it does get chilly in the winter. Too chilly to swim and when it gets below 60º it’s chilly. It feels cooler than it actually is but when it’s 110º, you feel it!

My asthma’s doing great. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be only 94º! That’ll feel like 80º and today they said it was 102º. I slept all day, of course. I think I can stand to turn off my AC tonight, or at least push it way up. I wish I lived on the 2nd floor so I could sleep with my windows open and have more privacy. I’ll just keep the blinds down. The girl on the second floor next to Andy’s moving out. He’s gonna talk to Stacey, the complex manager, about breaking up the $95 transfer fee in payments over the next year. I doubt she’ll go for it, but we’ll see. I have all the free time in the world so it doesn’t bother me. It’s something to do.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20, 1992 I’ll now write about what happened with Rosemarie and Rick the other night. I was already in a bad mood due to that letter from SS. I still hadn’t gotten ahold of my dad yet at that time. I was making coffee when there was a knock on my door. It was Rosemarie. Apparently, Rick was hiding around the corner cuz at that time I didn’t see him. I guess she felt she needed his protection. She said she came to “set me straight.” I told her she did that a month ago when she told me she wanted nothing to do with me. She was the one who went from claiming to be so open-minded and accepting to being unable to accept people who aren’t just like her. She stabbed me in the back and prejudged and misjudged me.

Then she said she heard I was running around telling people I want her body. That’s bullshit, of course, as I’ve only told Andy, Fay and Ellie and I don’t see why they would tell the whole complex this. She also said something about me saying she was beating the shit out of me. I have no idea about that one either, but I just hope I didn’t misunderstand what was really her threatening me and me not jumping her for it, with or without Rick’s protection. She said not to leave letters on their door. Well, of course, I know all about that one but denied it, even though a red flat with Fay’s name went up on that one. Could she have told her about that? Would she tell her about that?

She added that she and Rick are fighting, though I don’t know what this has to do with me. I told her they’re all worked up over nothing, and their paranoia and fighting is their problem, not mine.

Then she said, “So, you’re saying she’s lying?”

I asked who’s “she” and she said she couldn’t say cuz she promised she wouldn’t say her name.

Yeah, sure. Whatever. It was probably Fay she misunderstood or something unless now it’s Fay’s turn to turn into a backstabber. Anyway, they made up everything except the letter, which I denied, of course.

Then as I opened the door and she was leaving, Rick appeared. He said, “I’m bothered, but I do understand your fantasy. Leave us alone. Don’t hang by the pool, don’t lurk.”

I said that I don’t “lurk” and if I want to swim in the pool, that’s my choice and my right. And sure he understands my “fantasy!”

Then they left. I’m sure the reason why they never attacked me was cuz they didn’t know how it’d come back on them by way of management or the cops. Plus, I know where they live. They sure as hell pissed me off. Big time. I was already in the foul and shittiest mood and I snapped. I’m sick of being the nice one, not asking for the shit I get, and people getting away with giving it to me. I wanted to show them who they were dealing with and who they just pissed off and over the edge.

As I opened my door to walk out, Dave the security guard was there. He said he was just coming to knock on my door and I told him exactly what happened. Then as I headed over to their place, my anger building more and more, his supervisor heard it all over the walkie-talkie and thought I was trying to commit suicide. I was really throwing rocks up to their place yelling for them to come down and face me again. I was so pissed! I really wanted to fight and get my anger out! It would’ve been on the right people, too. I know they heard me, but they never had the guts to open their door. Again, even though I wasn’t threatened (at least I don’t think I was), I was so pissed and wanted their asses so bad. I was sick of being shit on. Maybe I should’ve gone up and tried kicking their door down, even if I would’ve gotten arrested.

Then I headed back to my place and Dave followed. We talked and he began to calm me down. He said he understood I’m not usually like this and knew I’d never go off like that without a good reason. He said, “Smoke your cigarette and calm down. You’re doing well. I’ll get you a glass of water.”

So then two cops came and they were very friendly and I told them what happened. They said not to worry and that all will work out fine. Gee, I hope so cuz I’m really, really sick of this shit with the people here!

I saw him earlier tonight and he gave me a hug as I thanked him for talking with me.

Now I really, really mean it when I say no more friends other than the people I already know! I’m not talking to any new people. And now I have to try to figure out if Fay really is a friend or not. How else would Rosemarie know it was me who left the note on the door unless she or Rick saw me?

After I go make coffee, I do have more to write about concerning Kara.

Later…

Everything on TV was boring tonight, so now I’ll write about Kara. She came over and asked if I was OK and she told me she saw 3 cruisers pull up. I told her what happened and we ended up having a long, very nice talk. Between her and her mom and sister, I always took a liking to her most of all. I could sense she was the most open one of them all and the easiest to talk to. I could sense she and her sister were complete opposites like me and my sister. She told me her sister is a bitch and they were never close. She also says Stacey’s not very dependable. As in babysitting. I told her to tell Stacey to tell me if she’s not interested in a babysitter flat out, rather than leave me hanging.

I also wonder about the other Stacey, too. If I don’t hear from her in a week or so, I’ll call her. I will tell her just the same. “Tell me you’re not interested, but do not lead me on, keeping me wondering and waiting.”

Kara and her mom are moving across the street to a 2-bedroom apartment at the Via El Camino complex. She told me she’d always need me to babysit here and there, but especially so if she gets a job.

I also had another “sense” about Kara. When I told her why Rosemarie shit on me, I told her she could run out, too. I’m used to it. She said she knew gay people back in Michigan where she’s from as well as here and that she’s slept with women, too. Mostly during threesomes. I told her I wasn’t shocked. I sensed it. She also said she’s got a good 6th sense and she suspected I was gay. It’s funny how in the bars they all swear I’m straight, yet more and more people outside of bars tell me they’ve suspected me. And you know I look far from dyky. Maybe it’s my muscle tone and firm “don’t fuck with me” attitude I give off at the same time I give off an open, sensitive attitude and have a sense of humor. I know she’s bi, but she’s more into men. The funny thing about Kara is that she’s plain and homely, but she’s not. I don’t know why but I constantly think of her. Naturally, I’d never ever dare tell her. I know she’d never turn around and punch me out, but I’d still never tell her. It’s my secret and she’s more into men and could think I’m ugly for all I know.

She did ask if I’d like to go out to this place near the Metro Center. A place with pinball games and stuff like that.

She said anytime I need to talk, she’s there. I was so afraid and so hesitant about being her friend and she said she understood why. I said I hope our friendship does stick and she said it’ll stick with utter confidence. That’s cool and I really do like her and appreciated her talking with me. She came over a few days ago too, to visit with me.

I’m gonna go out on my porch and have a smoke. I really shouldn’t smoke in the apartment.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19, 1992 My God, I cannot believe all the things that have happened since I last wrote! In less than 24 hours my whole world turned upside down once again. There’s always one problem after another that I don’t ask for. Mainly with money and backstabbing people. I’m cursed no matter where I live but the problems are mainly food and money. I’ve been so damn happy here otherwise, so why can’t whatever’s cursing me leave me alone?

Upon arriving here in Arizona, I had a horrible vibe about money and food. It’s like I could hear something telling me it’ll only allow me so much to eat. Enjoy food when you’ve got it cuz it won’t last long. Something’s out to starve me and get me real good. The only thing I can think of as to why this is happening is cuz I billed a couple of calls to Gloria, but the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. What happened with Rick and Rosemarie is enough. Why keep me with money problems, very little for me to eat, and keep the food stamps stalling? Gloria’s fucking rich!

Rosemarie’s a bitch who’s no surprise. I mean, typical happenings with the ones I’m attracted to and I’m used to that. But sex with Rosemarie or other gorgeous women isn’t a necessity. Food is. And paying the rent and the electric bill.

Ellie never came to my door like she said she would and I fell asleep at 9 AM. Kara knocked on my door asking me if I could babysit her daughter Ashley from 2:00 - 3:30. I said I would and she went to a job interview. I was psyched, and she gave me $10 in food stamps.

I woke up in a fine mood even though I was quite hungry.

I told her I was gonna go check my mail, then get the baby. As I walked closer to my mailbox, my hopes for any food stamps began to fade. A bad vibe came on stronger. I knew they were gonna come after my SS check! They pulled the same shit they pulled when I moved to CT. They say I’m overpaid and are gonna snatch $231 out of my $426! But I never even was overpaid. Then they said I didn’t tell them I was moving in time to prevent the overpayment. Also, they proved that me paying the money back wouldn’t put a financial hardship on me. Ha! How do you call using $200 to pay rent of $277, the electric bill and food no financial hardship? Oh yeah, that’s really easy.

These people are fucking fucked in the head and they don’t give a shit about no one but themselves and taking away people’s money to spend it on garbage. The food stamp people only care about minorities and single mothers.

While I babysat Ashley I sat there crying, wishing I could enjoy my happiness here without worrying constantly about food and money. Wishing I could drop dead so as not to worry about being able to eat, pay bills, depend on others for help and live a second-best life. Life is one big settlement. Any curse here is better than being in Norwich. However, I feel like life’s one big sentence and I’m just waiting till my time’s up. Whatever it is up there took away my music and I’ll never have real serious lust, but why this? Can’t I have smaller problems less often? Can’t I eat OK and pay my bills easily enough? Kara gave me a couple of TV dinners and I tried calling mom and dad. As usual, when it’s urgent and you really need them, they’re not home. If you’re happy and just gonna say hi, they answer. Next time something important comes up, I won’t even bother calling right away. And with one curse after another, I know it won’t stop at this point. I finally did get in touch with my parents at around 8:30 my time. Dad answered and I told him the whole story. I told him I’d send him a photocopy of the bullshit letter from SS. He said not to worry and that it was a minor problem he can take care of. He said let them take it out of my check and he’ll send me some money. Meanwhile, he said to call the food stamp people and tell them I need my food stamps.

But I’ve been doing that since June 9th!

I have tons and tons more to write about, but I am way too tired. I’m sneezing my ass off and I hope I’m not coming down with anything. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Also, I think Terros is coming out.

Later…

I am here now at Dr. Karius’ office and I guess it’s a good thing I brought this journal. The receptionist told me he’s way behind.

I never could fall asleep last night till nearly 6 AM. I couldn’t stop sneezing. I got up and took some Suditab my mom sent me, then fell asleep. Right now, I am still very tired. I kept waking up constantly. Every hour or so. I’m not sneezing too much now but my eyes are a little swollen and puffy even though Andy says they’re perfectly white.

I still haven’t gotten my food stamps today but am I surprised?

I left off last night with my talk with my dad. After I ask the receptionist if there’s a place around here where I can get some coffee and a bite to eat, I’ll continue with Rosemarie and Kara.

Later…

I am home now, thank God. I was at the doctor’s for so long. Around two hours. The doctor said never to make appointments on a Wednesday. Shouldn’t he have told me this before?

Hunter’s going on now so I’ll write when it’s over.

Later…

We’re having a humongous thunder and lightning storm now.

There’s not much to say about the doctor’s visit. But he did say there’s still a funny discharge. I’ll call in a week to find out the results of the pap smear. It certainly didn’t tickle and I was bleeding afterward. He said that can happen.

I weigh 99 pounds. He also filled my prescriptions. They filled out my TAP form and photocopied that letter from SS. I hope it’s not raining inside the mailbox I threw it in.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 1992 I am not in the best of moods right now. Two other people I know got their food stamps. What in the hell is going on with me? Why do they continue to do this to me? I can’t keep eating only soup and crackers on a daily basis! If the food stamp people still plan on never sending me my stamps, I’ll starve cuz for all I know my next babysitting job could be ages from now. I only have a few bucks on me and a little in the bank. That’s got to be used for my electric bill. What did I do to deserve this? Is this compensation for my moving here? Just cuz I moved, God’s got to take away my food? Taking away my singing career and good sex is enough! Can’t I just have enough food to eat every day? Please, God! Take away the singing, take away Rosemarie and other people like her, make them dump on me, but don’t take away my food! Let me eat! Please let them send me my food stamps this week!

The only good news is that I got that journal through priority mail from Kim.

Later…

I thought I’d get up early today, or yesterday, I should say. I thought the lawnmowers would wake me, but I thought wrong. I was actually falling asleep as they were mowing the lawns.

Ellie is gonna wake me up at 1:00 with coffee.

I desperately need to go tanning. I don’t know about that, though. I just heard them say on TV it’ll be 112º tomorrow! I may have to hold off on my deep dark tan until September or October.

Wednesday I have a doctor’s appointment and I sure hope I’m not told anything I don’t want to hear. Andy says he’ll pick up my prescriptions the next day on his way home from work. I hope he remembers. He’s got shit for memory but he claims to be giving up pot for a few months.

I still haven’t made up my mind on whether or not to slip Rosemarie that note. I’m sure I’m wasting my time, and again, if it were meant to be I’d have found that out long ago. I’ll never be able to sleep with a woman as beautiful as she is. With my luck, she’ll refuse to even take the note when I hand it to her. If I do. Hey, why not one of these days? So what if I know it’ll come to nothing. The game of it is still fun.

Later…

Speaking of notes, I almost forgot to mention what Andy did. He delivered the same note Mark got to Rosemarie. At 11:30 or so, he was out taking a walk and he taped it to their door. Fay said she thinks Rick leaves before Rosemarie and I hope she’s wrong. I hope she gets it, but even if she doesn’t, naturally she’ll hear all about it. What a confusing way to start off your morning, regardless of who gets it first!

MONDAY, AUGUST 17, 1992 I can’t sleep so I figured now’s a good time to write. I still have some updating to do. Well, my sister’s 35 now. I guess she, Bill and the girls will be home in a few days. I sent out a letter to Becky and now I’ve got to get one out to Lisa, Tammy and my parents.

When in the hell will I get the rest of my picture collection sent to me?

Stacey, Justin’s mom, got fired from her job last Monday. She still says she and her husband will need a regular babysitter. She says she’ll let me know when she needs me to babysit. The other Stacey said that too, and I hope they both hurry the hell up. I need the money. I swear God’s out to starve me! He just doesn’t want me eating on a normal and regular basis. But why? I still don’t believe I’ll ever get food stamps till I see it. It’s been 3 months now. Why are they doing this to me? Last Friday I got the form to sign from the woman who did my phone interview. I signed it and enclosed a rent receipt and my electric bill stub. I mailed it out that day. I’ve done all that’s required of me, yet for all I know, they’ll wait another 3 months. Even a whole month is too long unless I can babysit.

I learned how to use the grills here, which is easy. Very convenient, too. No dirty frying pan to clean after I make a hamburger.

I ran into Ellie that night and I played with her head a bit and teased her. She also trimmed my hair at midnight on the 16th. I had her take off 2”, trim my bangs, and blend my antlers, as I call them, to make it look better as it grows out. She did a very nice job and of course, my hair is now in shock. If you only trim your hair once or twice a year, it will go into shock. It appears 3 or even 4 inches shorter, but the great thing about it is, is that in only a week it’ll be back where it was. Then, it’ll fly. I mean, it’ll grow so fast. When my birthday comes, I’ll be sitting on it without having to put my head back. It’s still very very very curly. Spirally curly. When I pull the curls straight, it is 4” longer. Pulled straight, it was to the crack of my ass before she trimmed it. Now when you pull it straight it’s at my waist. Let go of it and let it curl up and it’s just above the waist. Mark and Andy said they didn’t notice it at all. Maybe that was cuz I had it all brushed out.

Later…

Now to finish the sick, cruel, mean and unfair Rosemarie story. Typical, though, cuz this is what I always get from the ones I feel a “spark” with. It comes as no real surprise to me. I asked for it by wasting my time with her and set myself up for what happened but it was fun till I got burned.

After I gave Rosemarie a piece of my mind for dumping on me, Stephanie jumped in the pool when I jumped in with her. She asked me what was up and I said, “That goddamn mother-fucking son of a bitch!” She asked me who I was referring to and I gestured towards Rosemarie and said, “That one!”

Then I told Stephanie and Harriett what happened. Right away Stephanie understood, but Harriett was sort of holding it against me, saying something about me having a lot of anger. Yes, I did, and I had reason to, as I pointed out. Then she asked me if I always take my anger and misery out on everyone, though I don’t know who she thought I was supposed to be taking it out on. I thought, gee, here we go with another winner out to judge a person and a situation they don’t even know. Just as I was saying, “Hey, you don’t even know me or what happened” (I was actually talking to Steph), Stephanie defended me and told Harriett that she’d be pissed and go off, too. Afterward, I did chat with Harriett and it was nice. I’d never want to be buddies with her, though.

Rosemarie heard everything we said and eventually got up to leave, never once saying a word or even looking at me. Stephanie, Harriett and I were yelling out all kinds of weird shit along the way.

I still think she was influenced by Rick (probably cuz he knew I wouldn’t include him in the sex I wanted to have with her). If she were single and living alone, then just maybe she’d have a mind of her own. For now, I’ll never know what she’s really thinking and feeling. I doubt I ever will, either.

Later…

Since I still can’t sleep, I’ll finish with Rosemarie. I’m pissed that my schedule’s all fucked up again. For the last two days, I tried setting my alarm to get up earlier, but it never worked. The hard part is pulling myself out of bed. If I could just pull myself up out of bed, have a bite to eat and some coffee, I’ll be OK. Tired, but at least I’ll be up. Then I can go lie out and relax by the pool all day. Or as long as I can stand it. It’s hot. I mean, really fucking hot! I’m losing all my color too, and that pisses me off. Tanning will be easier and more tolerable in a month or two from now when it gets cooler. I do have my Walkman and nothing to do tomorrow.

Andy and I went out for Chinese food earlier and I withdrew a little money. I need my food stamps!

He and another gay guy he works with were gonna go out to a bar, but I guess they never did. He mentioned doing karaoke tomorrow night but he’s got to have dinner with his friend Anita who’s moving to Florida. I hear she hates it here, mainly cuz of the people. Andy and several others have said the same thing. That compared to several other states, Arizona has the worst people. People come off as friendly at first, then they stab you in the back. Donna and Rosemarie are perfect examples, but I say people are screwed up everywhere. There are sick, cruel, vindictive, insensitive, narrow-minded, stupid and judgmental people all over the world. Again, leave it to those who are pretty and emotionally and financially stable to screw you up and over. On the other hand, I really believe that people like Donna and Rosemarie are what you call “great pretenders.” They’re the ones who do the best job of seeming as if they’ve got their shit 100% together. Rosemarie has no backbone of her own. She’s got to kiss society’s ass as well as her boyfriend’s. If she really is curious and or not completely happy with Rick, why doesn’t she leave? Or say how she feels? Is it that difficult? I’m 98% sure she can support her own self and she seems like she could survive on her own. She does not seem like the so-called desperate type.

Why can’t people associate with those who are different? Can’t she tell herself, “OK I’m not into what she’s into, but she’s who she is and I’m who I am, just be friends,” and that’s it?

Life would be too boring if we all were the same and did the same thing, said the same thing, thought the same thing, wore the same clothes, did the same job. What’s wrong with variety?

Rosemarie and Rick had claimed they were so open, accepting and fascinated with all types of people. Ha, Ha. Donna said the same thing.

Fay spoke to Rosemarie in the laundry room and I guess the fear of AIDS came up. Fay simply reminded Rosemarie that straights can get AIDS, too. And straight women are more at risk than gay women. Fay said Rosemarie said she felt bad and didn’t mean to hurt me. Also that Rick was in fear of losing her and she’s in fear of Rick as he supposedly beat up some other girl. She really did want to come and see me, she claims, but Rick was watching her like a hawk. Lastly, she’d communicate with me through Fay, and for now, I shouldn’t say hi to her at the pool cuz of Rick.

So the next night at 10:00, Fay and Rosemarie were to meet in the laundry room. Fay waited half an hour and she never showed up. At 10:45 I went to the pool and made it look like I was looking for someone. I saw Rosemarie and Rick outside their door. It seemed as if they were arguing, but I couldn’t make out any words. I ran and told Fay, who said they do have their fights.

The next day Fay told me that shortly after that, they both showed up at her door. Rosemarie had changed her story and went along with Rick. Fay said Rosemarie was kissing Rick’s ass but agrees that she may handle things differently without Rick in the picture. I told Fay I already figured as much. Fay also said that if I were straight, Rick would have no fear of me hanging around with her. Also, if I were bi, I may have been able to go in on a threesome with them. God only knows there are plenty of folks into that scene.

One day while I was tanning I saw Rick as he was walking by. Shockingly, he did say hi. Then the Saturday before last, Rosemarie was leaving the pool area as I was walking in. She shocked the shit out of me and said, “That’s a pretty bathing suit.” My head told me to tell her to fuck off, go to hell and die. My heart was jumping for joy and I said thanked her while I tried to hide the grin on my face.

It’s so hard when it comes to the ultimate attraction like this, but not as hard as it used to be. Once similar situations happen over and over, they get easier to deal with. I’ve been dumped numerous times and they were all usually by the beautiful ones. You do get used to it and immune to crying really badly. You learn to pretty much expect it. Back when I knew Mary, Norah and Nissan, them dumping on me was very hard on me. I was young and still inexperienced as far as being dumped was concerned. Now it’s far from anything new.

I must get a bite to eat.

Later…

God, I wish I was just waking up. When I do fall asleep, not sleeping too late should be easy. Monday’s the day they mow all the lawns at 6 AM.

I wonder if I should slip Rosemarie a note? I’d probably be wasting my time, but once again, the chase is fun. It can be a fun game if you make it that way. Wondering is fun even though I’d die to get her in bed just once. Ellie says that once you get that ultimate attraction, you won’t want it anymore. Sort of like the end of the race at that point. I hope she’s right and if so, I especially hope I get it soon. Yes, I know I am only dreaming when I say that. Maybe in my next life. I have a note written up anyway. In it, I ask if we can meet up in the laundry room at 10:00 tonight. I don’t know exactly when and if I’ll really ever give it to her. We’ll see.

God, just send her to me! Have her tell me she’s curious to try it once but to never tell anyone. I can keep a secret. Other than with Andy, of course.

My fortune cookie last night said a letter of great importance will come in the mail. It better be good and about my food stamps! I hope I get some letters and packages. I also hope Kim lives up to her promises of a letter, a journal, and blank tapes. I still have tons of editing to do.

I’m also gonna get 3 people in trouble. Donna, cuz I can’t stand her, and 2 others who have cats. They live on the 1st and 2nd floors where they’re not allowed. Donna’s got blinds hanging up on her patio to block the sun. Those are not allowed. Why should everyone else be allowed to break the rules while I was forced to give up my cat?

Well, I guess I’ll try to get some sleep now.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15, 1992 I don’t think I’ll write too much tonight as I am kind of tired. That’s good, though.

I got another job from another girl here named Stacey. This job seems like it oughta be better than babysitting for Justin. By the way, she’s from Taxachusetts, too. Haverhill, which is about a half-hour from Boston. She says she’s very flexible and I will be working at night for her. She may need me to clean and babysit her 13-month-old son on Saturday nights when she goes out. She works for MCI and has very little free time so she goes out on Saturday nights usually from 7 PM - 1 AM.

Soon I can get a phone and do some very serious shopping. Andy and I did go to the mall earlier and I bought 3 new journals. I also got cigarettes and some ice cream.

I hope I fall asleep by 3:00 and can get up at 11:00 or noon. I need my tan back!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1992 Two days ago was my parent’s anniversary and I asked Dad, when I spoke to them on the phone, how many years it’s been. Dad said 41 years and I said, “Wow, 41 years with the same person!”

Dad said, “Yeah, I gotta get used to it.”

Ma said, “And almost 27 years with the same daughter.”

Well, at least I got one thing in my favor over Tammy. She’s been Tammy’s mom for 8 years longer than mine.

Who can I send the hair I got to? There’s enough to send to a few people. I’ll mail Nervous Dad’s letter and perhaps mail Bob’s letter to either Rosemarie or Donna. It was the same letter I stuck on Mark’s door.

When you’re just hanging around talking to Mark, he’s a good guy. If he’s drinking or with his friends, they’re all weird together.

I took an old address book over and asked him if he knew anything about it. I said I found it by my door. I did it cuz he never asked me about the letter. I knew this would bring up the subject and it did. He said it had his name in it, along with Michelle’s (some chick he screws), and he read it and had no idea what the hell it was. I asked him if I could have it to play a joke on Andy. Sure, he said.

I don’t know Rosemarie’s or Rick’s last name, but I sure wish I knew that along with their phone number and Ellie’s. I’ll get Ellie’s eventually.

One of Mark’s friends says he’s moving back to Texas and he may give me a small table for my porch. It’ll be nice to do my writing out there once the weather cools off and becomes more bearable. I don’t know. You know I never buy anything unless I see it. I may eventually buy a medium-sized color TV for $25 from Mark. We’ll see.

I still have so much writing to do even though I’ve got tons of other stuff to do. I want to get letters out to Tammy, Becky and Lisa so they’ll all have them when they get home. I guess they’ll be home on the 20th, according to Tammy.

Because I slept till 3:30 PM, I’ll be up till around 9 AM and I’ll only get a few hours of sleep. I want to get up and call the bank to inquire about my balance and also I must get on with my tan. I promised to be very dark by now and I’m not. It’s hard to keep patient about it and tolerate the heat. It’ll be about 107º tomorrow. I think in a month or two from now, it’ll be much easier to tolerate tanning.

Even though I will be exhausted, at least I can make money under the table, at home. The hard part tomorrow will be pulling myself up out of bed. If I can just do that at noon, take my meds, and have coffee, I can lie down, close my eyes and relax at the pool. I’ll take my Walkman which has fresh batteries. Andy took it to use on the plane and he put new batteries in it. I still have to get batteries for my wall clocks here. Once you put them in, they last forever. My flashlight will need some, too.

So, the only stressful part of tomorrow is chasing the kid all over here trying to keep him out of my stuff, but at least I’ll be paid tomorrow. The first day he was OK and he took a nap for an hour and a half. When he woke up he cried for an hour or so. The last time the little beast cried for 3 hours. I couldn’t shut it up and I have no idea in hell how people do it on a regular basis whether they’re single or not. It’s not worth it and it makes me wonder how and why I wanted one for a while. First, there’s the physical part of it. The morning sickness, the labor, delivery, being forever fatter, and the baby blues. Then there’s the screaming and crying while you never can sleep and are tied down unable to go anywhere while they trash your place and cost thousands and thousands of dollars.

Well, it is at home, under the table. I need the money and it’s not my kid. I told Stacey that I’ll only take him from 4 PM-8:30 PM, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I’ll do a very occasional Saturday. It’ll be around $130 a month and they’ll be paying me weekly. She said it’s $30 a week no matter what unless I do more than that. This week I’ll get a bit more.

When Andy came back he said, “Remember your $150 debt with me? Well, that’s over now.” Now he’s paying me around $40 monthly to clean.

My food stamps will be about $111 whenever the hell they get here. The lady there is sending me a form to sign and I must send her a rent receipt and a copy of the electric bill. That was only $55 this month. I have a doctor’s appointment next Wednesday at 4:45 PM, and I’ll bring that phone form to him.

I’m no longer cleaning for Ellie as she’s a sorry, bitchy paranoid nut with a million problems. She goes on and on for hours complaining about this and that. She says she’s gonna die and that there are 5 organizations after her. She’s another one who goes back on her word and says I never said things I really did say. First, she swore she could afford to pay me $100 a month to clean for her and now she’s sorry she said that. Her son needs her money yet her son hates her and never comes to see her. She bitches and complains about how I clean and she’s always argumentative. One minute she’ll apologize for being a bitch, then she’s bitchy all over again.

Dave, the security guard and I were laughing about some of her delusions. The things she hears and sees. GI Joe, the physician, management putting petroleum through her vents to kill her like a cockroach along with those 5 organizations. She really is funny and you can have a field day playing with her head at the pool. You just wouldn’t want her at your apartment and you wouldn’t want to clean hers. Every so often I’ll go over to her place to play with her head.

I need to take my meds, eat and have some coffee. Maybe listen to music, too.

Later…

I’ve got to ask Andy to take me to the Metro Mall so I can buy more journals. I spoke to Kim who swears she’s sending me a blank journal she has, a letter and some blanks to make her funny tapes with. Edits, the complex argument, and other conversations with Bob and I.

She also says that next year she wants to travel across the country and she’ll see me when she does.

I guess Mark’s moving out but she’s not sure if she’s staying there on Elm St. She said she’ll let me know if she moves and I told her that I’ll mail her my number when I get a phone.

I still have other odds and ends I must buy. Like a pail for the kitchen, and I once saw a $14 electric typewriter at the thrift store that I’d like. As soon as I get money saved, I’m going shopping! If I got an electric typewriter, then Mom and Dad could keep my portable one and not bother to ship it. It isn’t the greatest typewriter. You have to really slam the keys down and my fingers always fall through the keys. Between them, I mean, and I cut my fingers. Electric ones have a closed keyboard.

I still haven’t contacted Jessie, Paula or Jai. I sent Jai a wacky letter and maybe I’ll write him a serious one, one of these days. Maybe try to get ahold of Jessie by calling her collect from Andy’s phone. She’ll accept the charges. I wonder if Steve moved and if he’s made any attempts to contact me. I’m sure Ann Marie has tried calling. Ha, ha to her! Bet she never thought I’d up and disappear and blow her off!

I am definitely no longer open to any new friendships whatsoever. I’ll keep Fay for now but I must stop being so friendly. If someone starts chatting with me at the pool, I’m just gonna be like yeah, yeah, yeah, till they get the message and screw off. People are so fucked in the head and I really do hate them. The same old pattern goes on where I’m either the dumper or the dumpee.

If I didn’t dump Ellie, she’d have stuck to me like glue forever. All I get are the metal cases while the so-called “better” people dump me. Same old shit. I keep to myself more and more cuz I’m tired of running around dumping people and getting dumped. Also, being dumped on by those that I dump or am dumped by. Rosemarie helped to continue to reinforce it in my head along with Donna and so many other queen snobs and mental cases.

Now for the Rosemarie story which is typical of what I get. Especially from a girl who’s gorgeous and has a good job. She works for some lawyer. She’s the ultimate attraction and she’s doing OK financially and emotionally as far as I can see on the surface. She’s the opposite of the Nervous, Fran and Ellie’s I get with no problem. She’s been steady with Rick but they do have their fights like every couple. I am not in the least bit shocked over what happened. I left off by saying how great my visits were at their place. They made me feel very accepted and welcomed. They said not to think they felt anything less about me cuz I’m gay. Their place was always open to me. They seemed so open and we laughed, joked and had nice talks. Rosemarie said don’t worry about other people being so snobby due to my getting SS. Oh, and she knows what I’m going through.

Does she? When has she ever gotten SS? She has a good job.

After two weeks went by where they seemed to be avoiding me, I caught Rosemarie alone at the pool. I walked up to her and said, “OK, what did I do?”

She said, “You didn’t do anything, but I’m not going to lie to you. We’re kind of religious and I thought about it and I decided I don’t want to have your type around.”

Can you believe how quickly people change? From white to black, instantly. And doesn’t religion teach people to accept everybody as they are? I’ve heard that they do, but then others say it bashes gays. Either way, what’s religion got to do with what we’re attracted to? It shouldn’t matter.

I pointed out that she said the direct opposite; that my gayness wasn’t a problem, and she said that she thought about it after I left.

I wondered if Rick may’ve influenced her. I always got the feeling that he was the type to boss her around.

I asked if we could talk about it and she said she’d rather not. At that point, I said what I had to say anyway. I said, “As far as I’m concerned, any prejudiced person is insecure with themselves. Why do you want people to be just like you? Can’t you be around different types of people? Why throw away good people over who they sleep with? And what’s religion have to do with who you’re sexually attracted to?”

I called her a lying, contradicting, backstabbing bitch and she was silent the whole time I spoke and never said another word. Then, Stephanie and her new roommate Harriett came into the pool as the other pool was closed. I’ll pick up the story from there another time. My hand is killing me.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 1992 Now, I’m going to write about several things before I get very backed up again. I have several things to write about so I may jump from subject to subject as I remember things. Sometimes I find it’s better to write something right away before I forget.

The major topics are Ellie, Rosemarie, Fay and babysitting.

Then there are little things like Ray, the parole officer. He’s going on vacation now for two weeks and he’ll drop by when he returns.

Yesterday I had my unexpected phone interview with a lady at food stamps. Just when I was about to give up after being jerked around for 3 months the notice came in the mail. Know why it took so long? It had been returned to them for postage. That’s welfare for you!

I still have lots of editing and editing down to do. Also, letter writing, and coloring the poster Fay gave me.

I got a couple of packages from Mom and Dad. The other two chairs to my table which are out on my patio, more tanning oil, lotion, napkins, toilet paper, paper towels, baggies, garbage bags, a nice shirt with a floral pattern that fit perfectly, and some coupons. There were 3 small notepads with Barbie on the cover.

Also, a bag with a glob of hair in which Dad taped a note saying, Jodi, I got a haircut, Dad.

I know it’s not his hair cuz this hair was brown. If it was his hair, he’d be bald due to the amount that was there. It’s cute anyway and when I get my hair trimmed, now that I can afford to have Velma trim it, I’ll send some their way.

I got a $10 bill along with Dad’s letter today.

The evening of the 11th I called Florida collect from Andy’s phone while he was out at bingo. I spoke to Mom, Dad and Tammy. The girls and Bill, who I don’t miss, were staying in someone else’s place. I could’ve spoken to the girls, but I’ll write to them.

Tammy said she and Lisa sent out a letter before they left, but I never got it.

Tammy originally told me she left on the 1st. Before, she thought she’d be around during Andy’s week at the beach and she was gonna join him there. Dad said in his letter she was to arrive on the 10th so obviously, she was afraid to tell me. Maybe she decided she didn’t want to visit Andy and thinks I’ll be upset knowing she was there when he was. As you know I wrote in a previous entry how glad I was they wouldn’t get together so they wouldn’t talk too much when I wouldn’t be around to defend myself. If she had really left on the 1st and mailed me a letter before going to Florida, I’d have gotten it by now. If she left on the 10th and mailed it the day before, I should get it tomorrow or the next day.

If everything I just wrote is true and is really what happened, and I do believe I’m right on the money, Tammy will be shocked. I’ll catch her off guard and she’ll be like, gee, how’d she figure all this out? Maybe she is too smart to fool.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 1992 Tonight Reasonable Doubts will be on. Thank God the Olympics are over. Of course, it’s a repeat but Marlee Matlin’s worth it. Someone will surely knock on my door but I won’t answer it. Ellie, Fay or Mark next door will knock. Mark and his friends get drunk and stoned and have nothing to discuss but sex. I’m getting really sick of it, too.

Guess what I found on my door while I was out last week? A card from Ray M, a parole officer. I called the number and asked why I was on parole when I’ve never been to prison. I’m on probation, not parole, but I guess that cuz I came from another state, this is how they do it. Maybe I’ll call his office tomorrow. Or maybe he’ll come here.

Andy had a great week back home. He enjoyed the beach and his cottage after so many years. He saw the M's and Charlotte. Supposedly the M's are friends with his family, and Andy’s aunt Joyce got permission to park in the M's driveway. Then someone supposedly overheard Charlotte saying, “Let’s get this car towed.”

Why? After so many years, I wouldn’t even bother starting shit like that. Why can’t people let dead dogs lie? I never realized Charlotte was that vindictive and was such a grudge-holder. I’ve also been told my folks and Charlotte and Jim had some kind of falling out a few years back and are no longer buddies. What else is new? No friendships seem to last any more than relationships. Is this why they live 90 miles away from each other? Aunt Ruth and Uncle Marty live an hour away, too.

Andy told Char how I love it here and have met lots of people. He said she said that’s good as she heard I had a hard time in CT.

Yeah, I’m sure you did, Char! I’m sure you heard all about it and so much more, thanks to Dureen’s big mouth.

Well, I always knew I was the most talked-about member of my family. That is, regardless of how much is true, blown out of proportion, or total bullshit.

Andy’s friend Brian thought of a great name for Connecticut. We’re so shocked we never thought of it - Connecticunt. When I first met Nervous he told me two great names. Ofelia Cunt and Ivan Cutchacokoff.

During Andy’s trip back east, Nervous and I had a great talk. The best chats we’ve ever had and I fully believe he’ll come visit me someday when he’s got the money and time off from work. He’d come out to visit me long before he’d write a letter. I’ve gotten no letters from anyone. Not my nieces, Tammy, Kim, Bob, Fran or my folks.

I spoke to Fran and Bob, but I wonder if Tammy’s heard anything about Barbara and Debbie’s collect calls? Oh well. Neither of them has yet to get letters from me. I’d like to wait a while till they think I’m long gone out of their lives. Their letters, of course, will have no threats or anything sexual. They just won’t make much sense and will be very confusing.

I have the talks with Nervous and tons of stuff on tape which I gotta edit and edit down. Even Fay spoke to Nervous. First I must edit before I edit down. If you take a 20-minute conversation and the first 10 minutes are boring and erase it, you could be throwing away a few good edits, at least. This is why I edit, then edit down, omitting any boring parts.

MONDAY, AUGUST 10, 1992 A lot has happened in the last 10 days. Both good and not-so-good. I still feel so much happier than I ever have in eons, so that’s worth a lot to me.

Believe it or not, I am now babysitting an 11-month-old boy named Justin. So far he is very well-behaved. Totally the opposite of my niece Sarah who was always crying and fussy. Justin is quite calm and has not cried or broken anything. Right now he is drinking his bottle and I’ve got CDs playing.

Andy came over earlier and he’s gone to the store now to get a few things for both of us.

The food stamps are history and even though I know I’m eligible and by law, they can’t deny me, they have by jerking me around and playing with my head. I filled out a second application and they were supposed to call me with an appointment and they never did. Then, they went ahead and told me they’d send a phone appointment in the mail to do an interview over the phone. That was bullshit, too. If they were gonna give me food stamps they’d have given me them by now. Anything they say, I don’t buy, as they’ve lied to me only about 10 times. They say one thing and then another. They bullshit me by saying they misplaced my application and all kinds of things like that.

I had put ads up in the laundry rooms letting people know I was available for housekeeping and babysitting. Justin lives with his mother, Stacey, who doesn’t live here. Her sister Kara does, though, with her own 8-month-old daughter, Ashley, and their mother. I guess Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 2:00-8:00, I’ll be babysitting and possibly Saturdays, too. I could be making $130 a month and $160 if I babysit on a Saturday.

I’m hungry, so I wish Andy would hurry up and get here.

Last night I left an old letter from Bob on Mark’s door. I wonder if I’ll hear about that. Of course, I’ll be playing dumb and trying not to laugh if I do.

I have several other things to write about later about Rosemarie, Fay and Ellie.

Later…

Justin slept from 5:00-6:30. When he awoke he was crying and still is. So much for this being a peaceful kid. Stacey should be here in half an hour and boy, I can’t wait to hit the pool!

I’ve got to do Ellie’s laundry tonight and mine, too.

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