#cuz these keep happening (typically) AFTER HOURS)

[fiddlepickdouglas]

Tired of knowing whether I should eat or not because if I consume the Wrong Thing (Unknown/Random) 20 minutes later I'll just throw it up 😣😣

And now I'm staring at this burrito I bought like "well now what." And it's not even the culprit.

[bugs1nmybrain]

sleeping beauty - L Lawliet x Fem!Reader Voyeur + Somnophilia Smut 🩵💤

Writer's Notes: Well. Yea

Word Count: 2839

18+ Minors Do Not Interact!

Warnings: Cringe title cuz I couldn't think of anything more clever, smut, female reader (she/her pronouns), voyeurism, masturbation (L), somnophilia, dub-con, dom L, ooc L?, L uses "my love" and "darling" and "lovely" (new one!) as pet names, unreciprocated kissing, PRAISE, established relationship, unprotected sex, not proofread yet

Dub-con explanation to avoid triggering: L watches reader sleep on surveillance cameras and jacks off to her, L touches and penetrates the reader in her sleep/while she is sleepy. She's not scared or feels violated, she knows it's L and wants him, but the lack of alertness and being drowsy makes the consent dubious.

L was bored.

There really wasn't much happening in his current case, at least not at the present moment. There were many things to do but with it being sleeping hours for the countries he was in contact with, getting any of his plans into fruition was going to have to wait until the morning. After all, it was 2 a.m. The only thing L could do was research. He had been keeping his alerts on all night, impending a new lead, but nothing turned up yet. He had been waiting for several hours. Still nothing.

So he sat at his monitors with a blueberry yogurt. He played with his food, swishing the spoon in and out of the yogurt for many seconds before finally taking a bite. He was getting tired of this boredom; it was killing him.

With nothing better to do, he figured it would be a good idea to check on you. He flicked around his computer screen and opened the tab to the camera in your room. You were often invited to L's room when you wanted, even if he didn't join you for bed. You chose your room tonight though.

When L saw your sleeping form, a strange calmness washed over him. What was it that caused this reaction he pondered? Was it as simple as that he loved you? Or maybe it was knowing that you were safe and secure under his supervision. You were lying there with only a snug tank top and panties, a poor excuse for pajamas L thought. It was easy to see how the shirt hugged your breasts and tummy even from the distance the camera was from you. And your panties were cute, frilly white and pink. The ones he bought for you.

He watched as you snuggled your pillow tight. You seemed lonely. Did you miss him? The thought of you craving his embrace and presence caused a peak of possessiveness in L. Or was it arousal? It was likely both, but L was more so distracted by the way you nuzzled your face in the pillow and grinded your groin on it, with your thighs wrapping around it. Oh, how cute you were.

You looked gorgeous. You always did, but you looked especially alluring tonight. So peaceful. He was grateful that he had more than one camera installed because he could see your drifting form from many angles like this.

L sat there and ate his yogurt while he watched you shamelessly. Your continued grinding and snuggling into the pillow was endearing, but then you let out that noise. Yes, he had wiretaps in there as well. You knew about the cameras and bugs; it was an agreed-upon condition.

L turned the volume down quicker than the speed of lightning to avoid anyone in the other rooms hearing his speakers, and just as quickly grabbed his headphones so that he could hear you much more clearly. Now he had full access to your voice. He was disappointed, though, because you weren't making any more sounds.

You turned to lay on your back, which was odd. L knew you didn't typically sleep that way, but he chalked it up to random occurrence. Though, the way your tits were shaping out into your tank top made him almost want to believe that you were doing this on purpose. Your shirt was raised over your stomach from ruffling around, showing the lower area of your stomach.

Uh-oh

L's attention averted only a little when he realized that his pants were becoming a bit tighter in the crotch. He looked down for a second to see his bulge in his pants. Instinctively, his thumb met his lip, but his gaze went back on you. You were now turned on your side, your round ass facing the camera. Fuck.

Without much thinking about it, L began to unbutton his pants. His cock wasn't fully erect yet, but it was starting to pulse, and was begging for some external stimulation. He pulled his slender, pale dick out from his underwear and stroked the entire length as he watched you in your slumber.

Yes! The noises came back. You whined and mewled in your sleep, hips squirming. L had a good hunch you were having a rather impure dream, which worked well for him. Your sounds were so beautiful. You were being so good for him.

His cock quickly grew to its full length as he stroked it in a timely rhythm. He played with himself as he watched you return to cuddling the pillow, and paid attention to your ass and crotch riving against it. Fuck.

It wasn't enough. You looked beautiful and he loved it. He loved you and seeing you like this. However, simply watching you toss and turn wasn't going to satisfy him. He needed to see you in person, to touch you, to fuck you.

L tucked his cock back in his jeans, though it still created a bulge from his erection. Why did you have to be many flights up the stairs? So inconvenient for him right now. He stood up, hunched as always, and made his way to the elevator. He waited impatiently as the elevator transported him up to your floor, yet when it reached it, he took his time walking toward your door.

L slowly turned the doorknob, making as little noise as humanly possible. When he shut the door, he turned his face to look at you. The sight of you made his heart leap in spike and his cock ache in agony. He stepped very slowly toward your bed, raising his head to see the entirety of your body. The curve between your waist and your hips was lovely and your skin looked glowing under the light of the moon from the window. He wanted to touch you instantly, but he held out for a moment.

He decided to just watch for a moment, but you weren't as antsy as you were before. Perhaps your dirty dream had been over by now. Just seeing you sleep, though, was enough to provide L with all the love hormones he needed. The rise and fall of your peaceful breath was soothing, and you even produced little sleepy sounds that didn't exactly snore, but they were cute regardless.

It was time to take action, he reasoned. L quietly made his way to prop himself beside you on the bed, and began running his delicate hands along your waist.

"Hmm.."

Your response made his cock twitch violently. Just from brief contact, you reacted beautifully to him. He raised his hand to stroke your messy hair out of your face. Your sleeping face was so adorable.

Impulse struck L and he acted on instinct. His face descended down to yours. He planted a very gentle kiss on your lips, relishing in their soft texture. Of course, you didn't kiss him back. Your lips curved into a lovely smile, but your eyes didn't open. Interesting, L thought. You have been exerting yourself in your responsibilities lately, so you were absolutely dozed off.

L made a bold move and gently moved your form from its side position to lie on your back. Your body instinctively tried to snuggle back into the fetal position, but L took your hands in his, circling your palm with his thumb. As he lied your hands down at your side, he trailed his hands up your thighs, relishing in their softness.

He knew that maybe this wasn't morally correct. You were asleep. But you responded so invitingly to his touch. You were so pretty like this. L lightly grazed his fingers along your panties and felt a dampness. He knew it! You must've been having a wet dream and were aroused yourself, though unconscious.

L stopped for a moment, calculating his next step. He didn't want to exactly fuck you while you had no knowledge of it. ..Or? Well, in more specific terms, he didn't want to hurt you, quite the contrary. Maybe it would make your dreams more pleasant. Would it make you sleep better? He didn't want to scare you though, and somnophilia wasn't something you two had really talked about before.

Conceding from his moral inhibitions, L trailed his fingers up your arms, hooking them around your spaghetti straps. He paused for a moment to observe your breathing, still heavy from sleeping. He begins to drag the straps down your arms, taking your top along with them. When the skin-tight fabric was removed from your breasts, L insisted that he could feel his heart pumping through his cock. You were always so pretty, so gorgeous, and all for him.

Your tits were so pretty and your nipples seemed flushed. Was it from your arousal?, L pondered. He slowly latched his lips on one of your nipples, tending to it gently before releasing and going to the other. Your body reacts to the stimulation and your hips drive forward while you give out a pleasured moan. L moves his head back quickly, startled by your reaction.

However, instead of being scared out of his next move, L recognizes that perhaps he could make you feel just as safe and cared about even while you were asleep like this. You shouldn't have to fear him, right? L takes the risk and begins trailing kisses along your chest and up your neck. He actually hoped it would wake you up, even for just a moment, so he could get some clearance from you. As if he hadn't already been kissing you unconsciously, undressing you, and sucking your tits.

With a heavy breath and a groan, you begin stretching your arms upwards. Your eyes open only slightly, and you're hit with confusion at first. Your vision was very blurry, and you could only make out blobs of color and shape. After halfway registering the texture of the lips that were kissing you and how their hair felt against your skin, your tension eased. You could tell it was only your lover by the way he was touching and kissing you; gentle, meticulous, and romantic.

"Mmmrr.." is all you could manage to say. You were very tired and groggy and could feel yourself already falling back to sleep. "..L?"

"What is it, my love?"

"I'm wet."

"I already know that. Do you need me to help you?"

"I'm.." you begin drifting but fight it. "I'm very..tired...but I..."

"Shhh...I know, lovely. I'll take care of you, alright? You just relax and look pretty for me, hm?"

You giggle sleepily and relax your head back as L continued to kiss your neck, "Mm..ye..yes..please.."

"Mm..of course, darling..."

L kissed your cheek tenderly, and then to your lips. You did what you could to kiss back, though it was very sloppy because of your drowsiness. You felt your pussy grow wetter as L stroked the side of your face while he kissed you, but soon his hand moved away from your face and down to a more intimate area.

Slowly, he removed your panties from your body. His brows (that weren't there) furrowed in arousal when he witnessed the slick fluid that strung out from the panties as he took them off your pussy. So wet already, and if that wasn't enough for him to tell, the clear, slick substance that glowed on your panties definitely was. "Silly girl, you're not supposed to sleep with underwear on", he thought.

L's fingers met your pussy, stroking up from your labia up to your achingly sensitive clitoris. Your juices were already coating his fingers. L firmly began to rub two pads of his fingers on your clitoris, wasting no time to circle around in perfect motion. Your body was already completely submitting to his touch. Your hips bucked against his hand, and thank god L knew how to adapt to your sudden movements because he kept fingering your clitoris as you squirmed for him. It felt so incredible with your body feeling intoxicated by all those feel-good emotions he was producing from you. As great as his fingers felt physically, the knowledge of his care and love for you without expecting anything in return made you infinitely more aroused.

Your clit was starting to feel the rolling sensation you were familiar with. "Already?" L snickered in his head. He couldn't feel what you were, but he noticed how your pussy was contracting and moving on his fingers. He knew these movements of the onset of your submission to pleasure.

"There we go..."

"Mmm!" The feeling was almost unbearable. Somehow being halfway asleep made this pleasure better. Perhaps it was the lack of autonomy over yourself in this moment? L kept rolling his fingers along your clit and you felt your orgasm on the verge of exploding.

"A-a-ah!"

"That's it. Don't hold back.." L cooed at you for comfort, though you weren't registering anything he said; they only sounded muffled.

Your clitoris erupts in pleasure and you begin thrusting your hips as your orgasm overtook you. L made sure to stimulate your clitoris for every moment of your orgasm, and you made the prettiest noises for him while he did so.

"Awhhhh~ hmm.."

"You're doing so well for me, lovely. Could I maybe feel how wet and warm you are for me? Would that be ok?"

"So wordy", you thought in your drowsy mind. You hummed in approval for him, much to his delight. L had been wanting to feel you for so long, but he had to make sure you were taken care of, too. Besides, you feel the best when you're properly ready for him.

L took off his pants and underwear, both attached as he did so. His cock was painfully hard and he winced when his fingers grazed it. He himself wasn't immune to overwhelming sensitivity. He adjusted into a position where he could see you as you moved to his thrusts, though it was still very much a branch of missionary.

He pulled your thighs closer and lifted your legs to wrap around him. He placed the tip of his cock before your vagina without inserting it and already felt the heat of your pussy at the touch. Finally, he pushed his cock inside of you, already sighing from only halfway in. L slowly began penetrating you in and out, rolling his hips to meet your G-spot inside.

((fun fact: the g-spot isn't an individual gland or part of the anatomy, it's actually an extension of the clitoris! I'm using the term "g-spot" for easier comprehension because I'm not teaching a sex education class; this is smut))

His long cock rubbed your sensitive sleeve so perfectly, and you somehow produce even sexier sounds than you did when he was focusing on you alone.

"Aawhh~"

"Mmm...you feel so incredible.."

His thrusts were deep and gentle. Not slow, per se, but calculated. It was as if he was trying to savor your pussy, which was true. His penis made slick sounds when it would enter and exited your wet, slobbery cunt. His dick and hands were the only sensations you could process right now, and they felt so good.

"Ah..L.."

"You're doing so good, baby."

L couldn't help his male instincts as his cock grew hungrier by the visual sensations in front of him. The way your lips parted slightly and how your tits would move to his thrusts made him leak. His thrusts become more eager and less restrained, desperate.

"Ah...you're such a pretty girl..so perfect..."

You whined adorably, making him begin to feel his own orgasm approaching. He holds your waist firmly to be able to control his thrusts better, pumping you full as you squealed for him.

"F-*sigh*-fuck. Y/N...I'm so close.."

His hips bucked against you as his eyes rolled back in pleasure. His cock throbbed inside of you for a few split seconds as he finally came inside of you, his own body losing its rigidity as he slumped forward. He rested his forehead on yours, panting with you in unison. You looked like you were on the verge of passing out. He almost felt bad, but he could tell by your pleasant face and relaxation that you enjoyed him making love to you, even if you weren't properly engaged for it.

He pulled out of you, needing to shake the extra seminal residue off of himself before he rested next to you. Messes like this typically bother L's need for cleanliness, but you were exhausted and he was sort of as well. So instead he wrapped his arms around you from behind and pulled you in to snuggle him. He hadn't slept for many days, he thought that maybe he could afford some slumber with you. He slept the soundest when you were with him, after all.

But as he started drifting off, he contemplated how the situation before would have been if the roles were reversed...

Requested tag: @graceful-disaster

[sapchat]

We Are Not Our Fathers

Azriel x Reader

Summary: You get summoned to your mate and Cassian whilst they are on a mission, only to find out there was a surprise at the end of it.

Warnings: mentions of a fight, children, and an argument between two lovers.

Words: 5k

Part 1: You are here! Part 2

Fun fact: this is technically my third fanfic now, cuz I’ve got a part one for something else and I’m writing part two, I just got this idea yesterday while listening to this playlist and was like “I need angst, azriel, his mate and a child.”

Azriel and Cassian had been at one of the Illyrian camps investigating rumors of… something. You hadn’t been paying attention when your mate told you why, he’d been getting dressed while telling. So, you could see the distraction at the time. It had been at least two hours since your mate had left and you got summoned down the bond, and a shadow seemed to tug at your hand.

So, following the bond you appeared in a typical Illyrian Steppes living room, with Azriel at the top of the steps.

“Hey, we uh, need you up here. We thought we were done but Cass found someone.” Azriel said meeting me at the bottom of the steps and grabbing a hand, rubbing his fingers on my wrist. He picked the habit up a few years into our bond, he says it keeps him grounded, especially after or during missions like these. Nodding my head, I followed the narrow steps behind him to see Cassian standing in the doorway of one of the rooms, there was a smidge of blood on the side of a wall, so I wasn’t sure what I was going to walk in on.

A little winged child was not what I was expecting. Cassian looked at me sheepishly then nodded to the side so the three of us could talk.

“So, I’m going to assume we didn’t know there was a child here?�� I asked leaning against the wall.

“From what we could tell there were no reports of a child when we first started getting reports of the retaliation happening. My shadows also didn’t pick up on a child when we got here, so either he was just hiding really well because of the guests in the house, or he snuck in.” Azriel responded.

“Any idea how much he heard? Or what does his parental situation look like?” I asked, I needed to know how bad this situation could be. Especially if this child doesn’t have a family because of its father’s or mother’s choices.

“For the most part, some of them went easy. Only three of ‘em put up any real fight, hence some of the blood there by your head,” Cassian started.

“Ew, thanks for telling me that one.” I’ll just shuffle to the side.

“As for a possible guardian, he hasn’t answered any questions. He did call me a bastard though, so I guess he has listened to something while around them.” Cassian finished. He seemed almost more stressed than I. I assume because he’s become quite partial to being babysitter for Nyx in the last few months for Feyre and Rhysand to be able to go out.

“What do you think, he’s probably what four, maybe five. You have more experience in working with kids, and with Madja, what do you think his outcome is with what he’s been dealt.” Azriel asked, dragging a scarred hand down his face.

“All children are different. One could experience something awful like the death of a parent and not remember anything about it. Others could never recover from it and grow up acting out the rest of their lives. It’s just a matter of how they get help. And knowing this camp, they probably won’t get much mental help at all. You two should know that” It’s not what they wanted to hear I imagine, but it was the truth. “So, what’s the plan? I assume if you have summoned me here you want me to go talk to him?”

“Yea actually, that’s exactly what so thanks for offering that so we don’t have to ask.” Cassian states rubbing the back of his head. Little shit.

Sighing, I turn my eyes to my mates, who just shrugged. I’ve been left here with the two most awkward people when it comes to random kids. Such a surprise came from the man-child Cassian himself. I roll my eyes, but send something to calm down the bond, and turn to go into the room.

The child is on the smaller side, evidence of the winter that’s still in the mountains so it’s evident his family doesn’t have much money for food. He’s got some dirt on his clothes so he’s either been out playing today or he just doesn’t have many clothing options. His wings were on the smaller side for what we assume his age group is, so he either is just going to have slightly smaller wings, or he’s developmentally delayed for his possible age. Probably due to the lack of food and hygiene.

I step slowly into the room, trying to make my slightly tall frame smaller. “Hi there. What’s your name?”

The little boy looked at me with wide hazel eyes, a twinkle in it that I couldn’t tell meant he was scared or intrigued by my presence. “Hawthorne.”

“Hawthorne huh?” You ask, then tell him your name, “Are you okay Hawthorne?” I ask him, he sits up just a little taller, a twitch in his bat-like wing following after.

He nodded his head in response, and I nodded back in understanding. “I was wondering who you were here with buddy? It’s okay if I call you buddy, right?”

“I was with my daddy. and I don’t know if you can call me buddy. Daddy’s usually the only one that does. Daddy said it’s cause we’re friends, but I don’t know you.” He answers sheepishly looking around my body towards the end, telling me I have a shadow, likely two of them.

“Well, if I tell you something about me, and then you tell me something, then we would be friends, wouldn’t we?” He hesitates, thinking about the question then nods his head quickly.

“Okay, well you know my name already,” I say then move to sit on the corner of the bed and make it seem like I’m thinking about my fact, “One of my favorite things ever, is getting to go and watch the sunrise or sunset as it comes up or down, and it shine on the soft snow. It’s really pretty.” I say, his head perks up a little at what I tell him.

“I like that too! I also like it when it storms, 'cause that means I don’t have to go out and I get to stay inside with my daddy.” He says. I smile at his enthusiasm of getting to share something we both like.

“I’ll tell you another secret then.” His eyes get really wide, and I feel a questioning brush through the bond. “I also like it when it storms. Because that means I get to stay inside with my friends.”

“Are they your friends?” Hawthorne asks looking at Cassian and Azriel behind me.

“Yeah, those are my really good friends, Cassian and Azriel. They… came to talk to the people that were downstairs. Did you know them?” I ask, glancing at the two males behind me, who are trying to seem small, but with the size of Cassian and Azriel’s wings. They’re failing.

“It was my daddy and their friends. I heard lots of yelling. And that they called your friends bastards. So, I did when they came up here. Where is my daddy?” I looked at Azriel for an answer, he looked down and then at Hawthorne.

“We took your father somewhere so we could talk with them. Do you have a mother we could take you to? Or anyone else.” Azriel answered the child.

Hawthorne shook his head no, “Daddy says mommy died when I was little, even smaller than now. And daddy says I’m the only thing he has left. But I think that’s silly 'cause we have neighbors!”

I sigh and look at my mate and Cassian, I then look back to the hallway and back to the child, “Hawthorn I’m going to go talk with my friends really quick, are you okay here?” The boy nods his head and watches as the three of us leave the room.

It’s now my turn to rub my hands down my face. “What do we do with him? I assume mom either died in childbirth or from sickness. And now we’ve got dad where he’s going to probably be punished for what they’ve been planning.”

Cassian almost winces at the last part, “His father was one of the people to put up a fight. We’ve got him in Hewn City right now, one of the others said he’s the ring leader for wanting to try and get rid of Rhys, and ‘go back to the old ways.’”

“Gotta love males and their ever-needing reason to be on top,” Azriel said laying back against the wall across from me, one of his feet resting between my ankles.

“We asked Rhys what he thought. He thinks it should be up to you.” Cassian said.

I processed the question for a second. Thinking about the options that are available. If Hawthorne stays, he’ll be homeless, wandering the streets like Cassian did; and based on how he looks already, he probably wouldn’t last long. Or taking him with us. To Velaris and trying to find him a place there. He could stay in the House of Wind until we find somewhere or someone.

I look at Azriel and he nods, knowing what I’m going to decide. If I had it my way, there would be no children wandering the roads here in the camps. But the orphanage idea has been slow, Devlon the only one wanting to even entertain the idea.

“Take him with us. He’ll be better off in Velaris, and until we can find somewhere permanent, he can stay in the House with us all.” I say, Cassian nods knowing I’m making the decision based on what he’s told me of his past before Rhys and his mother.

“Looks like you’ll get a friend Cassian, I’ll be sure to set up playdates.” Azriel says pushing off the way and patting his brother on the back.

Cassian had a shocked look on his face, eyes following Azriel as he followed me back into the room Hawthorne was patiently waiting in.

“Hey, Hawthorne? How about you come with me and my friends for a little bit, until we can see if your father gets into trouble, okay?” I asked going in and sitting on his bed, angling my body to be eye level with the winged boy. He seemed to sit and think about it for a second, then spared Azriel a questioning look before looking back at me.

“Will I still get to do my training?”

My eyes widen just a tad. Training at five? I look over my shoulder to Cassian and Azriel in question.

“Yeah me, and Cassian can help with that. We’re both really going at flying so we can help you learn some.” Azriel told the child, putting a lot of emphasis on them being so good at flying. This seemed to make the boy happy.

“Okay then. I guess I’ll come with you. But I get to bring my toys!”

“We wouldn’t expect you to leave them behind buddy. Now where are your clothes?” I said standing from the bed and ruffling my fingers through his dark brown almost black hair.

Hawthorne jumped from the bed, his little wings flapping as he did, and ran to the dresser in the corner of the room. He pulled open a drawer almost at eye level and grabbed what little clothes sat in there. “Here they are!” He ran back over and handed them to me. He only had two shirts and another pair of pants, plus only a few pairs of undergarments.

I looked in the direction of my mate and he nodded at what I was thinking. We’ll have to get him some more clothes. I held my hand out and Azriel summoned a bag from the shadows and handed it to me. I usually use it for the farmers market, but I’ll just get a new one.

“Okay, bubs, come here and I’ll hold you while Azriel takes us back to the house.” The boy hopped over with a questioning look on his face.

“He’s going to fly both of us to your house?”

“Nope! He’s going to do something called winnow, which means,” I sat for a second thinking how to explain this to a child, “he’ll grab my and Cassian's hand, and then we’ll disappear and then reappear in the house!” Yeah, that was a great explanation.

Hawthorne seemed to question it for a second, then came over and all but crawled up into my arms. I moved the bag to my shoulder and then joined Azriel and Cassian. The three of us all looked at each other as if questioning what I’d decided.

And into the shadows we went, only for Azriel to then grab onto me tighter to glide us down to the balcony of the House of Wind. Hawthorne gripped my neck tighter looking around at all he could see of Velaris. And I knew I had made a good decision for the boy.

Feet touching the ground Hawthorne all but leaped from my arms to run and look over the balcony, pulling himself up by using his feet on the spindles to gain leverage to look out. Mouth opening by the second, I leaned back against Az watching the boy. He’s never seen so many people at once living in such a beautiful place.

“Hawthorne, wanna go get a quick snack before we get you cleaned up in a tub?” I asked leaving my mates front to join the boy at the railing. He looked up at me with wide eyes before looking back out towards the Sidra. “It’ll all still be here when we’re done. And if you’re not tired then you can even see it once the sun goes down. It looks even better.” He turned back with a slightly toothless grin and nodded enthusiastically, jumping from the side, and gripping my hand swinging from it.

Walking into the sitting room I walked the boy towards the kitchen. Already sitting on the counter was a little dinner for the boy, the House instantly knowing what was needed of it. I helped him up onto a stool he quickly dug into his dinner.

“Easy now, don’t want to eat too fast and make yourself sick,” I advised brushing a finger across his back. I walked around the counter and grabbed a small cup and filled it with water so he could drink as well.

Once he was done eating, he quickly gulped down the water and brushed his mouth on his hand, then proceeded to wipe the hand on his shirt. Boys. I grabbed him before he had a chance to run off and walked him up to mine and Azriel’s bathing room where Az sat pouring a few drops of bubbles into the bath.

I set Hawthorne down on the ground and allowed him to undress so he could climb in the bath and gave my mate a quick peck on the cheek in thanks. Admiration flowed down his side of the bond as I leaned over and started wetting Hawthorne’s hair. He splashed around a little playing with the bubbles as I washed the grime off of him.

Once I was done, I grinned and grabbed a handful of bubbles and placed them on his head. The little Illyrian quickly looked up at me and proceeded to grin. And without a moment's notice he flapped his wings in the water spraying water all over me.

We both sat in silence for a little bit, me in shock and him with a look that said, ‘Uh oh’. Then I started laughing, and Hawthorne quickly realized he wasn’t in trouble for getting water over me.

After his bath, and the fight of drying him off, and the battle of getting him dressed. I did as I had promised and walked him back to one of the balconies so he could watch the ending of the sunset and all the lights of Velaris come on. We sat quickly, him in amazement, me writing down some reports to send to Rhys in the morning.

It was in the middle of the night I was awoken to one of Azriels shadows, Azriel rousing from sleep himself and moving a wing off of me to see what was happening. Then I heard soft padding down the hall, and a shuffling of wings. I then heard the door move a bit as someone jumped and grabbed the doorknob, and the door quietly moved open.

Raising our heads, we were greeted with Hawthorne sniffling as he waddled into the room. He looked up at the two of us from the foot of the bed, glancing back and forth. I glanced at Azriel and silently asked if he’d allow the boy in the bed with us.

Azriel looked at me, then flopped back on his stomach and grumbled “Once you feed them and let them sleep in the bed, they end up staying. Look at Cass.”

I lightly slapped his arm and raised up more and nodded to my side of the bed. Hawthorne quickly shuffled over and climbed his way into the bed and my arms. “Wanna talk about it?” I quietly asked.

He shook his head and placed his wet face into my neck. I hummed an okay and moved the blankets back over us and went back to sleep, Azriel’s wing shifting back over as he moved around.

In the morning I awoke to an empty bed, not unusual with Az doing morning training, but I distinctly remember a little boy crawling into the bed in the night as well.  

Climbing out of bed, a shadow greeted me happily and started leading me in the direction of the living room; and was greeted by Cassian holding the boy in the air telling him to get ready, and Azriel sat in a chair drinking tea.

“If he breaks something Cassian, you get to tell Rhys.” I said, walking further into the room and joining Azriel on the armrest, his hand wrapping around my hip and patting it. Azriel tilted his head in a way saying, ‘That’ll be fun’ and went back to his morning readings.

“Hey, we learn to fly by being dropped from different heights, I figured you prefer it in the living room, where he could land on the couch.” The general replied, letting go of the boy and allowing him to flap-glide his way to the couch in question.

I let the two continue and looked down to my mate, “Wanna join me in the kitchen, so we could talk about H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E’s F-A-T-H-E-R?” He nodded his head and took my hand to lead me in the direction of said room. Already on the counter was my breakfast, courtesy of the house which I thanked, and a steaming glass of coffee.

“I went earlier this morning. He’s not wanting to give us anything. Rhys wants to make an example of them.” Azriel said going straight to the point. I looked up from putting jam on my toast, my eyes trailing to the sounds of the child’s laughter and Cassians' praise.

“What about Hawthorne?”

Azriel sighed, already knowing I wasn’t going to let this go without a fight. Either with him or our High Lord. “Rhys is going to leave that up to you. His recommendation thought was to find someplace around Velaris so he wouldn’t be in a camp where issues may arise in the future. When he’s older.”

I looked sharply up at what he said. “What is that supposed to mean?” I made sure to keep my voice somewhat low so as to not raise attention to us.

“We both know what he means. He’s just trying to cover future bases because he has Nyx now.” Azriel tried to calm down, resting a hand on top of mine. I pulled it back from him immediately.

“No Azriel I don’t know what you mean. He’s a child what are you two trying to say?” I was angry. He’s five, if that. What was there to possibly worry about to ‘keep an eye on him in the future.’

Azriel said your name then continued, “His father was plotting to get a group of people to kill Rhys. Maybe worse.” Azriel almost seemed angry at the position I had taken, in defending this threat against his High Lord. But the threat was a child.

I glared at Azriel and all but snarled when I said, “Sons are NOT their fathers Azriel. You of all people should know that.” I even pointed in his direction for emphasis on my statement, his hazel eyes going wide in surprise at it. Shock and hurt flowed down the bond, and I pushed my feelings of anger towards him.

Turning I leave my breakfast to go join Cassian and the deemed threat in the other room to watch him stretch his wings.

It was later in the evening, after playing with the child and having Cassian take us down to the shopping district so he could have more clothes that I had finally let myself think about the argument from earlier in the day. I had already put Hawthorne to bed almost two hours ago and was down in the kitchen sipping wine. Setting the glass down on the counter I ran my hands down my face in frustration, and then came some shuffling.

Turning my head, I expected Azriel but found Hawthorne. Bleary-eyed from what little sleep he got. “Hey, what are you doing back up, it’s late.”

The little dark-haired child rubbed his eyes, his other hand gripping a little black cat stuffed animal he begged to have. “I have trouble sleeping in the bed. It’s super soft.” His eyebrows furrowed together and then he said, “The shadows also keep me awake by playing with my hair.”

A few of Azriel’s shadows had taken a little liking to the boy, much unlike their master, it seemed. “Well. Since you’re awake, want some hot chocolate?” I asked, the boy seemed confused at my words and asked what hot chocolate was. “Hot cocoa?” He shook his head in confusion again.

“Come on, I’ll make us some cups and you can try it,” I said lifting him up to sit on the counter and wiped my finger at some of the dried drool on his cheek.

Turning to a cabinet, I grabbed two mugs to set beside him and continued to pull supplies out to make the cocoa. Hawthorne watched every move I made, measuring out the ingredients, putting them into a pot to warm up, and even helping stir every now and then. Once it was done, I moved it over to the side to allow it to cool a bit more before putting the drink into the mugs.

“Now here’s the fun part. I like to add some extra things to mine.”

Hawthorne seemed interested in whatever it was I was going to add.

“I like to take this white stuff, called whipped cream, and put it on top, then add this stuff here called cinnamon. Do you wanna try mine and see if you like it for yours?” I asked, Hawthorne seemed to think deeply about it, furrowed eyebrows, and all then eagerly nodded his head. I carefully handed him my cup and he took a little sip, whip cream getting on his upper lip and nose, then made a loud ‘ahh’ sound after gulping it down.

“I’d like some please!” The boy eagerly handed my mug back and watched me add it to his smaller mug.

We sat side by side sipping at our drinks, Hawthorne’s eyes drooping more and more as he drank before he set his almost empty mug on the counter and yawned.

“Ready to go back to bed?” He seemed a little hesitant and then said something that broke my heart.

“I don’t wanna sleep by myself, I’m scared someone’s going to come and get me.” He didn’t want to make eye contact.

I looked at him a little inquisitively, “Why do you think someone’s coming to get you?”

“Well, I really liked being with Daddy, even if I didn’t get much food. And then you guys came and took my daddy and me, because daddy was being bad. But you have been really nice, and Cassin has been helping me fly, and even though Azzie don’t like me he still lets me play with his shadows, and you guys have food and it’s warm-“ I stopped him before he could continue working himself up.

“Hawthorne, you don’t have to go back to the camp if you don’t want to. You know that right?” I said rubbing his hand in a comforting way.

He seemed sheepish as he nodded then asked, “I would get to stay here with you? And Cassin and Azzie?”

I sighed trying to think of an answer, “I don’t know if you’d get to stay with us. You could go to another place that would love you very much.”

Hawthorne didn’t like that answer. Tears forming in his little hazel eyes, lips wobbling, and I knew I needed to backtrack.

“Hey, how about this buddy?” He sniffed and ran a hand over his eye, “How about we pause this conversation, and me and you go sleep? Then we can talk when I get some answers.” Answers only the Inner Circle could answer.

It took Hawthorne only 20 minutes to fall back to sleep in his room and me another hour lying beside Azriel. It was early morning when I awoke to Azriel getting up himself.

“Think you could call a meeting about little bits?” I asked rubbing my hands down my face.

Azriel sighed and sat back in the bed beside me. “You shouldn’t get attached to him; you know that. And it’s not that I think that he’s going to become his father or that I hate him. I heard you guys’ last night, and what you both talked about.” He sat there for a second licking his lips as I cringed knowing he heard us, “I do like him. He’s a sweet kid, and I’m glad he’s had a better life than most Illyrians-”

I stopped him, “I didn’t mean what I said yesterday. I know you’re not your father and I should’ve never. Ever. Compared you to him.”

“I know. You were angry and believed you had to defend him. I’m proud of you for that. But if you really want to discuss what happens with him, then I think we should talk.” Azriel said, grabbing my hand and holding it as he laid back across my stomach.

I nodded, and we started talking. About all outcomes for Hawthorne. What would happen to him, how he’d be raised, all of it. Then we went to the River House. And I joined the Inner Circle as we talked about him. Rhysand’s concerns, Amren’s and Mor’s surprise, Feyre’s support in what would happen, and how it would all be dealt with.

At the end we had an answer.

It was later in the day that I asked Hawthorne if he wanted to go walk around town with Azriel. I was slowly walking behind as Azriel walked somewhat awkwardly with the boy, talking with him as Hawthorne was eagerly pointing around at different shops.

Hawthorne’s eyes widened and grabbed Azriels’ hand, the older Illyrian tensing up at the innocent little child grabbing his scarred hands and dragged him over to a bakery to press his face into the window and stare at the sweets.

“Can we go in there?” Hawthorne asked eagerly looking between Azriel and me. Azriel looked to me for some guidance, letting me control the situation. Nodding my head, Azriel led the three of us into the bakery and let the boy pick what he wanted and got me my favorite treat too.

I led Hawthorne back outside so we could eat, take in the sights, and talk to Hawthorne like we needed to.

“Hey Hawthrone, remember the conversation from last night? Can me and Azriel talk to you about it?” Hawthrone seemed more downtrodden at the reminder of last night but nodded his head.

“Hawthorne, I got to visit your dad before we left, and I just wanted you to know that he isn’t going to be able to come home. And because of that, we need to find you a good home.” Azriel started out, not telling the boy his father wasn’t going to come home. Rhys did have to make an example and couldn’t just pardon him because he had a son.

“Azriel and I have been talking with some people, and we’re wondering what you want to do,” I said, handing the boy a napkin to clean his face as he ate. He glanced between Azriel and me, then down at the table.

“Where would I go if Daddy can’t take me?” he asked shyly.

“Well, we could find you a loving home here, in the city. Where you would be cared for and get to learn all kinds of things with kids your age and everything. Another choice is we find you a home back at your camp, somewhere that’d be able to care for you, and you’d get to be with other Illyrians your age.” Hawthorne seemed to think the two options over. Then Azriel looked at me and I nodded.

“Or” Azriel started, “You could stay with us, and we could raise you. Then you’d stay with Cassian and us, get to meet the High Lord and Lady, and all our friends, while going to school here in Velaris. And in a few years, we’d take you to a camp called Windhaven and you’d train to be a warrior.” Hawthorne’s eyes got wider and wider as Azriel continued, looking back and forth between us two, his grin starting to match mine.

“So. Which would yo-“ Azriel didn’t finish as the tiny Illyrian lunged over the table into both of us.

“YOU I WANNA STAY WITH YOU!” Hawthorne yelled excitedly, gripping the both of us as I laughed.

Azriel looked at me, love flowing down the bond and him receiving the same back from me at the new addition to the family.

[sen-ya]

Life After Info Post

[Click here to access the Life After Digital Comic Book]

Summary: Two years ago, a viral outbreak rose the dead. Considering how his life had gone up to this point, surgeon Trafalgar Law figured this might as well happen too. When a supply run into the nearby city gets intercepted by a seemingly reckless and impulsive former patient, the dependable routine Law had settled into in this new life shatters. He finds himself exposed — his body out in the infected landscape, his conscious clawing to define what he believes is right, his heart begrudgingly deciding to find a new home on his sleeve. Maybe there’s more than a virus roaming the new world that can bring a dead man back to life.

Content Warnings: Canon typical violence, zombies/body horror (but lbr I am not good at making scary things look scary)

Relationships: Luffy x Law

Update Schedule: New page every Monday/Wednesday/Friday

Page Count: [37 posted | 55 drawn]

Latest Update: [7/21/24] WOWEE did I get myself carried away this morning. I just spent 5 hours organizing my comics and creating the digital comic book pages. I could have spent that time drawing or idk not doing what I do for my job, but I cannot be stopped. Anyway I blocked out 30 pages of this comic last week and they include the most intense action sequence I've ever done in my gotdang life. Wish me luck because I am nervous about tying down all my drawings lmao.

OLD UPDATES:

[6/29/24] HULLO! I'm doing so bad at keeping my masterposts updated lately I am sorry. All pages of life after are tagged life after if you're ever looking between masterpost updates! Also exciting update, I finally have figured out all the different plot points i'm gonna be hitting (yay!). I got hung up on something for awhile that made me not wanna work on this project, but I'm back at it. I think we'll end up with 6-7 parts! I have probably another 80-100 pages to draw lol. Also i got the app Magic Poser and it's AWESOME and I immediately used it to block out sets cuz MAN I hate backgrounds.

[6/10/24] HELLO. I'm sorry I've been shit at updating my masterposts lately. It's easiest to do from my computer, which I rarely use, and life has been happening. I also can't believe I bungled the queue and posted pg19 before pg18 i am very sorry 🤦 Eventually I'll have to turn this into an airtable base I'm sure, but until that day comes where I have like 100 pages of this comic we're stickin to the regular post lmao

[5/26/23] I got real caught up in doing summer of lawlu comics this week and this is the first week since the first week of April I haven't drawn new Life After pages and it feels weird 🙊

[5/19/24] More Luffy backstory comin' this week! :^)

[5/12/24] Updating now so get myself on schedule to update on Sundays like I had been with my other comic master post!

[5/8/24] Thank you to everyone who's liked/reblogged/comment on the first few pages!! It means the world to me that anyone's reading my silly little comics.

[4/28/24] HULLO. It’s happeninnng. I’ve spent the last few weeks working on this comic, and I gotta make this post so I can start queuing pages & link this in them! This is the most like….legit? Comic endeavor I’ve undertaken perhaps….ever. I’m very nervous about committing to how long it will need to be lol. This story is dear to my heart — zombie content is kind of my very favorite. I’ve always found it to be a great backdrop for exploring themes like grief, coping with change, community, and learning to live again. It’ll be a long haul but I hope you’ll ride it out with me!! Tomorrow I’ll be posting the first two pages. After that a page will post every Monday/Wednesday/Friday. As of this post I’ve completed over 20 pages so that I have a good lead on what’s posting and continuing to write, so I’m hopeful that’s a cadence I’ll be able to maintain. I’ll update this post weekly to include the most recent pages the way I do with my main comics master post. All pages will be tagged 'Life After' and I'll tag any pages with zombies in them with 'zombie' for blacklisting etc.

[fatkish]

well hello there i just what to say i love the righting and 2 as u can see i suck at spelling so im sorry. and 3 i wish to know if u could do some mha angst like maybe like kiribaku x adhd reader where like bakugo dosen't mean tell reader to stop talking so fast or to like sit properly and stop moving there leg (i kinda want both cuz i get told that alot but u pick) but then kiri comes home and bakugos is sleeping on the couch and next day, kiri makes bakugo apologises and see how he was wrong. but its up to u. like reader could be overstimulated and cant stop moving. or sumth its up to u but thx for replying if u do don't feel like u need to tho byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Kirishima x Bakugou x Reader Drabble

It was that time of year again. Exams were getting closer and you and Kirishima needed help studying for them. So you both asked your shared boyfriend Bakugou, to help you guys study. Due to your ADHD, you typically take you tests in a different room alone with one of the teachers, that’s because it’s easier for you to focus when there’s less possible distractions. Due to your constant fidgeting, the school has allowed for you to keep a small exercise cycle underneath your desk. This device is similar to an exercise bike with its pedals, but it’s smaller and made to be used when sitting. The cycle is considered a learning tool for you since it allows you to fidget while disturbing as little people as possible.

Sadly, you can’t bring it everywhere with you, if you could then that incident wouldn’t have happened. You and Kirishima had begged Bakugou to help you guys study, so you three went to a cafe. Of course, your Boyfriends knew of your ADHD and how it affected you. They knew that it could only be managed so much, it wasn’t something that could be completely controlled and that it’s something you struggle with. While Bakugou was trying to help you both study, you kept getting distracted by everything and you wouldn’t stop shaking your leg, causing the booth to vibrate.

As you would point out things that you saw that you noticed like someone’s hairstyle or a band t-shirt someone was wearing, Bakugou was starting to get fed up with your inability to focus. You were sitting next to him in the same booth and your constant leg shaking was vibrating the seat and it was driving him crazy. After 1 hour and 30 minutes of your constant interruptions and leg bouncing, Bakugou was at his wit’s end.

“Goddamnit you spacey fuck, can’t you concentrate for more than a couple fucking seconds?!?! And will you fucking quit bouncing your goddamn leg. It’s so fucking damn annoying!” The moment Bakugou registered what he just shouted at you, he realized how much he messed up. You looked at him with watery eyes before your face changed to one of anger.

“I’m leaving” you got up and left the cafe, leaving behind a sorrowful Kirishima and a sorry Bakugou. Bakugou knew he had messed up the moment the words left his mouth. Before Kirishima could say anything Bakugou spoke.

“I know, I know, I messed up and I need to apologize. Don’t worry, I will.”

Kirishima could only look at Bakugou in slight disappointment before he went back to studying.

The next day at school, Kirishima pulled Bakugou aside in the hall outside the classroom and demanded that he apologize to you. Bakugou knew he messed up and was already planning out how he was going to apologize. As they walked into the classroom, they saw you scribbling away in one of your doodle journals. Since most students weren’t in the classroom yet, Bakugou decided to apologize then and there. He walked over and grabbed the back of your shirt, dragging you into the hallway.

“Look, I’m sorry ‘bout what I said yesterday. I was just pissed and I took it out on you.” He mumbled just quite enough for you to hear.

“It’s okay, I know I forgot to bring a fidget and I’ve been trying to manage my symptoms better. I just have to work harder but I appreciate the apology”

“Yeah yeah just shut up” Bakugou muttered as he looked away with a slight blush on his cheeks.

[ch4osm4ster]

Routine

Small friendly alien × reader scenario.

(Could be platonic, could be romantic. Romance is hinted at but I guess could be ignored?)

Made everything vague and neutral so anyone can imagine their own lil creature in it's place. Reader is human though and alien is around half the size of a human. No names mentioned. Reminder I am more experienced with drawing then writing so this isn't gonna be high level writing lol. I wrote this cuz I was tired of nobody else doing something with this type of vibe.

Summary:

After a whole day chatting you and your alien companion end up going to sleep under the stars, but instead of you being the bigger spoon like usually, they insist on being the bigger spoon instead.

Words: 1,160

Sitting on a patch of grass sat you, and a tiny creature you sometimes call a friend, sometimes a lover. While most humans would find the size difference awkward, you did not. And neither did your little companion.

You two had a pretty uneventful day, but did spend all your energy on talking about the differences between your world and theirs. And while it was fun, you could only talk for so long before you felt the need to rest engulf you both. It was getting late, thank goodness, so you both took this chance to enjoy the scenery and ambience of nature surrounding you.

It was peaceful.

Now, this is kind of a private matter, but you both had made up a routine whenever you hung out. You would talk for hours, and then when it was finally time for bed, a search for the perfect spot to sleep on was started, typically a patch of thick soft moss, or maybe a cave filled with life sized mushrooms. Then, after relaxing a bit, you two would inch closer to share body heat. And closer.

And closer.

Until one day it became cuddling.

That's your routine now, talk and then hold eachother gently to sleep. And in the morning you two would look for something to eat, provided by mother nature herself. You learned to always keep a lighter and something sharp with you wherever you go, just in case for these scenarios.

Now typically, since you're bigger then them, them being like half your size, you end up being the big spoon each time. Your arms always surrounding their whole body and keeping them close to you while you both dozed off to dreamland.

And you were ready to do so again, you laid down on your side and raised an arm, looking up expectantly.

"No, no," they waved their little finger back and forth while smirking. "Tonight I'M the big spoon."

"You? The big spoon? And how do you plan to do that huh?" You raised an eyebrow and them, but decided to sit up either way, curious where this was going.

"Don't worry, i got my ways," they said while puffing out their chest.

They crossed their legs and wiped off remaining specks of dirt and dust, wiggling their hips in place to get more comfortable, their cocky posture turning into something so unserious yet focused so fast you almost laughed. You looked on, grin getting wider but eyebrows knitting in confusion. Then, when they were ready, they looked at you like you looked at them earlier, expectant, and patted their lap, "your pillow, my humble human."

You couldnt help but chuckle, they seemed overly confident this was going to work and to be honest, the confidence was contagious. You slowly lowered your head onto their lap, facing away as this was a new situation and making eye contact right now was not on your to do list. After some wiggling arount for a comfortable position, checking if you weren’t too heavy for them, you let out a big sigh. This was indeed pretty comfortable, you almost wished this could've happened sooner which in turn made you wonder about the sudden change. You called out their name as a question, "so... what's the occasion?"

Their hand reached the top of your head, fingers slowly moving against your scalp, almost like a very slow petting motion you could only feel. "Occasion?" They asked.

"Yea, i mean, I'm not complaining. This is actually really nice. But it's diffrent from how we usually do this. Did you get tired of me snoring into your ear or something?" You joked, a light smirk appearing on your lips that they probably couldn't see but could hear.

"Whaat, i could never get tired of you snoring loudly into my ears while i sleep!" They joked back. "Nah, actually, I've been thinking-"

"You think? Oh my god i didnt know you could do that!"

That earned you a light smack on the back of your head, both of you erupting into laughs while you pushed your face deeper into their thighs to try and be more quiet. When you both finally calmed down, they put their hand back on your head.

"I've been thinking," they started again, giving you a skeptical look while trying not to laugh again. You looked up from your spot in their lap and shrugged, a silent sign you weren't gonna interupt again. "Ive been thinking about how unfair it is that you can hold me like that, and keep me warm, while i can't. And while i can't do the same, i figured I'd at least do something in return. Show you some love as well. Give some attention back."

"O-oh." You stammered, stunned. Guess you never thought about it that way, always focused on putting them first and trying to give them as much attention as you comfortably could.

"That's... really sweet of you," you managed to communicate. Your eyes, which were still looking at them, looking somewhere else as you smiled, a light dust of blush appearing onto your cheeks. Its not often you get to feel this way. So... small.

In a way, your roles really have switched. While they might be smaller physically, you are the one who now feels smaller, albeit emotionally.

"Is that a blush i see?" They pointed out.

You eyes widened as you were brought back into the present, blush dissappearing, thoughts no longer wandering to places themed around you little companion and their kindness.

"No it's not, humans don't blush," you lied blatantly and turned around so fast they couldn't have missed the fact you were lying.

They smiled gently and just looked at the part of you laying comfortably in their lap, hand returning to it's rightful place and ruffling your head before becoming almost stationary again. "Sure thing, whatever you say, i definitely believe you, uh-huh."

You both chuckled quietly, unable to hold back, atmosphere light and playfull as you started to calm down yet again. You yawned, which in turn made them yawn as well. It was interesting how you were different species and yet yawns were still contagious to eachother.

"Sleep time i guess," they said while stretching their arms and lowering themselves onto the ground. They were now laying on their back, your head on their stomach as to not disturb their breathing or crush any important anatomy you might not have.

"Yeah, sleep time," you whispered, already on the brink of falling asleep. Sharing these moments with them always made you fall asleep faster, sleep being a lil better then usual too.

You both bid your final goodnight's as the ambience of the nightly creatures surrounded you again, no longer overshadowed by your banter, and preparing you both for a night of good dreams...

And in the morning, you'll eat breakfast again, and probably do it all over again.

You wondered what tomorrow's topic will be...

[bcbdrums]

for the otp asks 9, 18 and 30 for soma? and spiritstein if you want

oooh... heheh, i'll answer for both, yes.

9. If they got engaged… who proposed? 

For Soul and Maka, Soul proposed. Only cuz he beat Maka to it. She was nervous, going back and forth on whether or not she should, worried he'd say no for a variety of reasons, and while she was busy warring against nerves he banished his own and took her hands over the first place they spilled blood together, their first battleground... Told her he wanted to protect her forever as more than her weapon... Aaaaaaahhhhh FEELS!!! Meanwhile for Stein and Spirit... Uh... I think I answered this in a prior ask answer already but I'll answer again. Spirit, 100% because Stein is indifferent regarding conventions. Spirit meanwhile is just as anxious and back and forth as Maka (lol) but would finally blurt it out probably under pressure and then absolutely lose it bawling because Stein would just be like, whatever. But in a 'whatever you want' way, not a rejection. Stein just doesn't think about those sorts of conventions. It's Sherlock Holmes and the solar system, for him.

18. Evening rituals?

I probably don't understand this question, but here we go. My mind is jumping straight to anime canon for Soul and Maka. Maka sticks to strict bedtime routines. Goes to bed at the same time each night, brushes her teeth exactly two minutes (she and Kid vibe hard at times), fixes her hair, and then reads herself to sleep or has a timer in case she isn't sleepy. Gotta get those eight hours in before school! Soul meanwhile....has no routine. He remembers to brush his teeth only because Maka's routine is so annoying to him. The dude falls into bed annoyed that she's so strict cuz he'd like to hang out with her a bit outside of school. So gradually, gradually... He convinces her to loosen up, and then they have weekly movie nights on the sofa. And afterward (and every night) her sweet little "good night, Soul" absolutely sends him. Poor boy can't sleep cuz he's pining so much. But these movie nights also lead to book nights. Which he complains all the way through cuz he's genuinely not interested in most of her books. And then when he is interested in some, he has to keep up the act that he isn't... Heheh. These two just spending nights in bickering like an old married couple. That's the routine. And if they ever happen to fall asleep during the movie and her head falls on his shoulder, he ain't waking her. She'd wake up tho when his drool hits her cheek, loool. For Stein and Spirit my brain is jumping all over the place... Academy days I have too many thoughts, so I don't think I should go there in this post (it'll be WAY too long). So, future them... A future where they're together. They're both so used to being alone that they would initially continue their typical routines, some of which look like the academy days. They do their own thing, follow their own interests. Spirit has a drink perhaps, goes to bed when he feels like it, reads himself to sleep (like Maka haha). Stein stays up studying something with no conception of time, falls asleep over the book or not at all. But eventually something, some triggering incident of which I'm not presently conceiving would lead them to end up sleeping on the sofa together. The personal routines wouldn't change, but then on nights when either decided they didn't want to be alone, they'd just linger in the other's presence as a sort of nonverbal cue, and sofa time would become a thing. And then I think Spirit...now at this point with the understanding that they're together, that this is real and isn't going to be lost again, would be the one to say either if he wants it or if he sees Stein in a place of needing it....would say, "hey, uhh why don't you come sleep in my room tonight?" Poor nervous sop. And then after that, that would just be a thing. One night Stein would announce amid the usual nighttime quiet, "I'm going to bed. You coming?" So it would vary between nights. And eventually reach a place of...it doesn't need to be spoken. They can exist in their quiet personal routines of study and reading and if one decides it's sleep time, they know the other will eventually follow.

30. When did they realize they loved each other?

(manga mentions/spoilers coming for those who don't want spoilers) Soul... He was definitely deeply attracted to her by the time they were in Spartoi, but I think he was attracted to her all along. Just by then it was deeper and then it was just sort of an... "oh" moment for him somewhere before the end... I wanna say he knew before Russia, but was able to focus on his feelings more after Russia. He had other stuff he was dealing with too that had priority. But yeah, like "oh, these feelings are love, but, of course I love her." So yeah just...like that. And then with Maka, I think she was also attracted to him from the very beginning and was interested in romance before he was. And I think...after he became a death scythe is when it really hit her like....everything in the world has reached a new level of seriousness, and my feelings are serious too. However, being a teenager, she didn't know what yet to do with those feelings. And here now we have the contrasting pair who didn't figure themselves out in their youth.... This bit is gonna be longer now, haha. Spirit has always loved Stein but the way he loves him has changed over time. Just like Soul and Maka, they started as partners which means a trust in the other for their lives. But, realizing he loves loves him... I don't think it was until long after he lost him. Probably in those years when he was most alone, absent wife, young daughter to raise...he suddenly realized how much he missed his real partner. But then thinking he's long past any hope of fixing that he doesn't engage his heart toward him. So a two-fold realizing... This, and then post-canon. If he can be brave enough to allow himself to open his heart up again to the possibility... He already knows how he feels. The issue is he doesn't think he has a chance at happiness anymore. Aaaaand Stein. Unhealthy obsession and confusion which I won't detail here because it will really take too long (ask me if you want me to elaborate on his feelings and how they changed over time), but he felt it when they were still teenagers, somewhere in the midst of fearing losing Spirit and actually losing him he'd start to be understanding that this is one of his feelings, but then he...accepts the loss. He doesn't think he has any other choice. The sad thing is with him it's a bit different... He accepts the loss, but his feelings only grow stronger over time. His heart is never closed in fear once he understands, like Spirit's is. His heart remains open despite thinking there's no chance of coming together. Stein would do anything...anything to show Spirit he loves him, even though he's certain there's no chance of coming together again. Post-canon I think it's he with his open heart...after the experiences of beating madness (both canons) who would be the brave one and make the move. Aaaaaahhhh I'm getting into SO much of my headcanons and giving away hints at future fics here, so I must cease.

These were VERY fun questions to answer, thank you for the ask!

[sephirothsplaything]

DNA| Sec.80 high power-chapter 8

a/n: we've made it all. Lock in and pay attention cuz there's a lot of words here! This one goes out to all you Aemond wives! From here on out he's going to be a problem.

CW: mentions of sexual happenings but nothing super explicit

anyways<3

word count:3397(its worth it trust me)

below is a little gif I made with the edit version of Rhaella!

The halls of the Red Keep were something Rhaella was beginning to grow accustomed to.

The bustle of lords and handmaids alike filled the castle with traffic. Rhaella waltzed by, easily ignored by others.

Rhaenys had left Rhaella to her own devices, seeking out conversation with the king, possibly for the last time.

“I should let the guards seize you, after what you did to me.” A voice snided.

Turning around, Rhaella was faced with Aegon. 

How unpleasent.

“I’m shocked you aren’t drunk at this hour, cousin,” Rhaella said. 

It was mid-noon at the time of her arrival. From what she’d heard, Aegon was typically in a drunken stupor come morning.

Aegon laughed at her words, taking the liberty of stepping closer.

Far too close for Rhaella’s comfort.

“I assume you’re looking for my brother?” Aegon questioned. Rhaella averted her eyes at his gaze. He never failed to make her uncomfortable, even after all this time.

But Rhaella refused to make this known, she took a step forward in earnest.

“I’m looking for your sister, actually,” Rhaella said. This did little to alleviate the smug expression that seemed to be burned onto Aegon’s face.

“Where might she be?’ 

Aegon rolled his eyes, accompanied by a groan. Rhaella had already grown tired of his presence.

“ Am I my sister’s keeper?” Aegon said.

“One would think you’d care to know the doings of your wife,” Rhaella said.

Aegon grimaced at the use of the word.

“You may have my brother pussy drunk,” Aegon said, a slight slur noticeable.

Perhaps his drunkenness had finally seeped in.

“But I will not have you speak to me anyhow,” Aegon said.

Rhaella’s lips pursed slightly in annoyance. Disgusted would be the defining word for how she felt towards Aegon, but never fearful.

Fearful of what? His drunkard breath? Perhaps.

“I will speak to you however I please. “ Rhaella said. And with that, she walked down the halls.

Aegon could go pass out in a brothel for all she cared.

Arriving at one of the rooms, there sat Helaena’s son, Jaehaerys. The young boy was too occupied by his playthings to notice Rhaella’s footsteps.

She took a moment to observe Jaehaerys, the boy was only six years of age. Rhaella recalled holding his frail body at the time of his birth. It felt strange to hold a babe. She did not relish the feeling.

“Where is your mother, little one?” Rhaella asked softly. Jaehaerys looked up from his toys briefly before continuing.

“In her room, I think.” His little voice spoke. Rhaella thought about brushing the boy’s hair with her hand, as her mother used to do to her.

Rhaella decided against it. She made her way to  Helaena’s quarters. The door was slightly ajar so she refrained from knocking.

“Cousin?” Rhaella called to Helaena. 

Helaena looked up from her patchwork to see her beloved cousin. A warm smile spread onto her face, cheeks rose in color.

“Rhaella!” Helaena ushered her to come sit. Rhaella obliged her cousin, taking the seat next to her.

“Another embroidery?” Rhaella asked, eyeing the handiwork of her cousin. 

Helaena hummed in confirmation. “It’s a spider.” 

“I never had the patience for such things,” Rhaella said. She was one for histories and lectures from the maesters and septas. Rhaena was the one who excelled in sewing, arts, and music,

“It isn’t all that hard, just practice,” Helaena said. The two cousins fell into a silence familiar only to them. Rhaella watched Helaena work diligently.

“Ah!” Helaena exclaimed suddenly. Rhaella slightly jumped in surprise.

“It will be your name day in a weeks time.” Helaena said. In truth, Rhaella scarcely remembered herself. She had not celebrated the day since the death of her mother.

Rhaella watched as Helaena swiftly moved across the room, grabbing a garment into her hands.

“I had this made for you,” Helaena said enthusiastically.

Rhaella unfolded the garment. It was a dress. Rich purple silk, with gold embellishments stitched into the bust of the dress. The sleeves were long and elegant.

It was the most gorgeous thing she’d ever seen.

“Helaena...this is beautiful,” Rhaella said finally.

“I recall purple being your favorite color,” Helaena said eagerly. Only her sweet cousin would remember such a thing.

“ I did the gold bits myself, I know you prefer simple gowns,” Helaena said.

“Thank you Helaena, truly.. this is.” Rhaella was not sure how to place her gratitude.

Helaena smiled anyway. She knew Rhaella was thankful, it was more than enough for her.

“When Princess Rhaenyra is queen, I shall move into the Red Keep for you.” Rhaella decided. Originally, Rhaella had half a mind to sail back to Pentos after the princess ascended the throne.

Jace and Luke would marry Baela and Rhaena, her father would become king consort; There would be no place for her any longer.

But no more. She would not abandon her cousin to the predator that was her husband.

Helaena’s eyes glossed over with emotion. Rhaella felt compelled to continue, feeling uncharacteristically soft at the moment.

“ If I am there, Aegon wouldn’t dare to touch you.” Rhaella convicted sternly. 

Helaena shrunk back slightly.

“There is a beast beneath the boards,” Helaena muttered.

Rhaella sighed. She supposed her cousin had not outgrown the bouts of incoherent musings.

“I hope to never marry, much less to a man like that,” Rhaella said, moving along.

Helaena glanced at Rhaella in confusion.

“You do not wish for a husband?” Helaena asked.

Rhaella shrugged. “There is no lord in the realm that would suit me.” She said.

Helaena smiled slightly. “No lord, perhaps a prince?”

Rhaella felt her brown cheeks grow warm. She understood the implication.

“I wouldn’t marry Aemond, I know him far too well,” Rhaella said.

Helaena hummed in thought.

“Is it not preferred to be bound to one that understands you?” Helaena asked. 

For the first time, Rhaella had no answer. No profound thoughts or complex answers.

It was not a matter of understanding. It was her fear of being so known by him.

“He is not the same,” Rhaella said.

Helaena’s eyes softened. “ He still cares for you, if you’d only allow it.”

If she only allowed it. Perhaps, no harm could come from allowing such a thing.

There was no use fighting the issue any longer.

Rhaella abruptly stood, mind made up. No more games. No more control. She’d release it all.

“I’ll be seeing you, Helaena.” 

Rhaella rushed out the door, Helaena’s gift in hand. 

She had not the faintest clue as to what she intended to do when she saw him.

It was not like her to confess her feelings. And Rhaella knew Aemond was the same.

The same as her.

Rhaella found herself in the library. The crux of all this bother.

And Aemond was there. Naturally, she knew he would be.

Rhaella approched with caution. Aemond found refuge in the couch‘s velvet seats, book in hand.

“I thought I’d find you here,” Rhaella said. Aemond did not break from the pages of his book; He did not need to. The sounds of her voice did more than enough.

“Desperate to see me, I gather?” Aemond said. Rhaella’s hands suddenly became slick with sweat.

The enormity of her desire disgusted her.

“Believe what you’d like,” Rhaella said. She took a seat by him, peering at the book that contained his attention.

Aemond couldn’t fight the half-smirk on his face. Even in her admission, she managed to remain so haughty.

“It has only been a weeks time, yet you’ve found yourself at the Red Keep once more,” Aemond said.

“I did not come here for you, cousin,” Rhaella said. However, she would be lying if the prospect of seeing him again wasn’t half motivation for accompanying her grandmother.

Aemond hummed in response, clear disbelief. 

“I was at Driftmark, my grandmother wished to visit your father and brought me along,” Rhaella said. She couldn’t be too honest, it was far too embarrassing.

“And here I thought it was my letter that brought you here,” Aemond said.

Rhaella looked up from her lap in surprise.

“You actually wrote to me?” 

Aemond placed his book to the side, amusement all too apparent.

“That was your demand, was it not?” Aemond reminded. 

Rhaella briefly recalled her words from before. She was hardly serious at the time.

“It must’ve arrived after I left,” Rhaella said.

Aemond looked at the dress in Rhaella’s lap, his hand brushed over the silk.

“Where’s this from?” He asked.

“Early name day gift, from your sister,” Rhaella said.

“In a weeks time, was it?” Aemond said. 

Rhaella could hardly contain her girlish smile. Even after all this time, it was as if they had never left the Weirwood tree.

“In truth, I’m shocked you remember,” Rhaella said, deciding against expressing her excitement.

Aemond chuckled at Rhaella’s shock.

“As I recall, there was a time when you’d never let me forget the fact.” He said.

Aemond was older than Rhaella by a year and one. As children, Rhaella maintained that seniority meant nothing, as she’d always know more.

“ I shall be ten and eight years of age, same as you,” Rhaella said.

“Then I suppose I owe you a gift as well,” Aemond said.

The two maintained eye contact for what felt like a fortnight. Rhaella felt herself growing warm at the implication. She doubted she’d have the restraint to stop him this time.

Abruptly, Aemond stood up. 

“ Come on then,” Aemond said.

Eager as she felt, Rhaella took her time in following Aemond out of the door.

They walked into the courtyards, passing by the doors.

Criston Cole, the queen’s sworn protector, stood on guard.

The buzz that Rhaella had been feeling was muted in an instant. She reverted to her ladyship state, hands folded in front of her and a bored expression on her face.

“My Prince.” Cole greeted. His eyes shifted to Rhaella with an unreadable expression. Rhaella did not have to think too hard as to who Cole would rush to report after the fact.

“Are you going somewhere?” Criston Cole asked again, completely disregarding Rhaella. 

And she was thankful for it. Rhaella feared she’d be unable to control her tongue if provoked.

“I’ll be taking Vhagar, no need to follow,” Aemond said.

Rhaella supposed that was her gift. 

Ser Criston bowed again, leaving them to continue.

Approaching the valleys, Rhaella made her discomfort known.

“I don’t like him.” She said. 

“Ser Criston is an honorable man,” Aemond said. Rhaella rolled her eyes.

“Perhaps your version of honor is skewed,” Rhaella said.

Aemond didn’t grace Rhaella with a response.

Vhagar came into view. Her enormous body rose and fell as she softly slumbered. Rhaella paused as Aemond approached the dragon.

How long had it been since she had seen Vhagar? Since her mother’s funeral maybe.

Flurries of memories hit Rhaella at once. Her late mother had loved Vhagar with her entire being. Their bond was truly special. As a proximate, Rhaella had grown to care for the dragon as well.

When she was younger, Vhagar had always been especially soft with her. Laena had taken care to introduce baby Rhaella to Vhagar.

But that was years ago. And Vhagar had grown with a new rider.

“Well?” Aemond called out. “Get on.”

Rhaella was not so arrogant as to hold onto past memories regarding Vhagar. She was practically a stranger to the dragon.

Carefully, Rhaella made her way to the dragon, who had since woken at the appearance of her rider.

“Gaomagon ao gibigon issa?” Rhaella spoke in a gentle voice. ‘Do you remember me?’

Vhagar groaned slightly, fixing her gaze on Rhaella. Despite her fear, Rhaella stood her ground. Vhagar was her favorite after all.

“Lykiri,Vhagar,” Rhaella said. Her hand eased its way to brush the dragon’s nose, an act she had done many times as a child.

The act must’ve brought a memory back for the beast as well. Vhagar nestled into the touch. 

Rhaella fought the tears forming in her eyes. Vhagar remembered her mother. Remembered her.

“Sȳz riña.” ‘good girl’ Rhaella praised. She took the liberty of using both hands to rub the scales of Vhagar all over.

“How have you been, old girl.” Rhaella cooed. “Has this one been treating you well?”

Aemond had been silent in the exchange. It was a nice moment, although he couldn’t fight the envy. Vhagar had nearly burnt him when he had first met her.

“Show off,” Aemond said simply. His hand reached out to Rhaella.

“Your jealously is known, cousin,” Rhaella said. Grabbing his hand, Rhaella was pulled onto the back of Vhagar in one fluid motion.

Aemond’s hand lingered on Rhaella’s waist for a moment before grabbing the reins.

Rhaella’s arms wrapped themselves around Aemond’s waist, admittedly hastily.

The action did not escape Aemond’s notice.

“You seem eager, my lady,” Aemond said, teasing.

Rhaella scrunched her nose at the unnecessary formality. She delivered a sharp pinch to his side.

“I have no desire to plummet to my death,” Rhaella responded, opting to ignore his tone.

Yes. She was all too eager.

Aemond took Vhagar up towards the evening skies. The wind whipped all about them, loose wisps of curls moved along Rhaella’s forehead.

Rhaella’s careful violet eyes observed the way Aemond moved in front of her. His grip on the reigns were tight as he directed Vhagar through the air.

Her mother had always used a looser grip when she mounted Vhagar. Perhaps it was a difference in bonds.

Rhaella leaned forward, chest pressing up against Aemond’s strong back.

“Where are you taking me?” Rhaella asked. Her voice carried straight to the proximity of Aemond’s ear.

“You’ll see,” Aemond responded simply. Unbeknownst to Rhaella, Aemond’s lack of words was a result of his carefully hidden flustered state.

Rhaella looked down at the passing scenery, not recognizing any of it.

“What?” Rhaella said. “Do you intend on holding me for ransom?”

Aemond couldn’t help but laugh. “If that’s what you’d like,”

Soon after, Vhagar landed in the tall grass, the vast sea in view.

Jumping down, Aemond reached up to carry Rhaella.

“I’m quite capable of getting down myself,” Rhaella said, causing Aemond to roll his eyes.

“Perhaps I should let you fall to the ground then?” Aemond said.

Rhaella glanced down at the grass. It was a way down from the massive dragon.

“Fine.” Rhaella shifted her weight as Aemond held her waist, carrying her down, causing her dress to hike up slightly.

Somehow, shame was not an emotion she found herself with. They had been in much more compromising positions previously.

Aemond did not release his grip and Rhaella couldn’t find it in herself to pull away.

“Nervous?” Rhaella asked.

“ Is that your intention?” Aemond responded.

So quick-witted, he was. One of the many things Rhaella enjoyed.

Pulling away, Rhaella sat herself on the grass. Aemond followed suit.

“Your father doesn’t have much time left,” Rhaella said. It was the first thing that came to mind.

“I suppose,” Aemond said, tone flat.

Rhaella turned to him, curiosity peaked.

“You will not mourn him?” Rhaella asked.

Aemond’s thoughts mingled together. He supposed there would be no harm to be honest.

“He was no father to me, just a spineless king,” Aemond said 

Rhaella hummed. She understood.

“My father holds many things above me, I think,” Rhaella said.

Aemond’s hand found Rhaella’s in the grass, fingers brushing the top of her hand.

“He is feared in the realm,” Aemond said.

Rhaella scoffed. Daemon was the Rouge prince to all,but the Rouge father to her and her sisters.

“You admire him,” Rhaella said. There was no room for suggestion.

“Maybe I wish to be respected,” Aemond said.

Rhaella raised an eyebrow at that. She knew Aemond to long for something that affirmed his place in the realm. And she was the same.

“You wish to be a king,” Rhaella stated.

Aemond tilted his head at the statement. It was as if she was in his mind.

“You do not think I would make a good one?” Aemond said.

In truth, Rhaella did not. There was a growing darkness around Aemond that she couldn’t place. Given the opportunity for war, Rhaella was sure that Aemond would throw himself into it.

“In the way I’d make a good queen.” Rhaella scoffed. 

“We would bring stability to the seven kingdoms, together,” Aemond said.

Rhaella smiled. The grin grew larger and larger until she could no longer contain her amusement, laughing loudly.

“I didn’t know you’ve taken up jests.” She said.

Aemond smiled slightly. He was serious. It escaped Rhaella’s notice.

Rhaella fell back into the grass. 

“The princess will make a fine queen I think,” Rhaella said, after a while.

Aemond had no response. Perhaps he didn’t agree.

Instead, he took in the sight of Rhaella. The silver-white curls of her hair cut through the grass. Her eyes were closed, withholding those all-knowing eyes he cared for so.

Rhaella’s face was rather gentle when relaxed, one could compare her to a fawn. She scowled far too often for one to take notice.

“Rhaella,” Aemond said. His tone was calm. He had already made peace with what he was allowing himself to feel.

Rhaella sat up in response, directing her attention. 

Then he kissed her. Like a man starved. The lengths of his repression no longer held weight.

And Rhaella responded. They did not need to confess what others might. It was known between them. As it was, the way it always would be.

Aemond’s body pushed Rhaella back into the grass as they continued. Somewhere along the way, the fitted corset on Rhaella’s body came loose.

The intensity of it all, there was nothing Rhaella could compare it to. Her lips found his once more, the ambiance of the surrounding area blocked out.

It was only when Aemond slid a hand underneath her undergarments did she slightly came to.

Maidenhood be dammed. It was a long time coming anyhow.

The two lay out in the grass, garments half covering their nakedness—Rhaella’s once neat braid and been reduced to messy frays. Aemond was no better, his hair was uniquely wild.

It was late into the hour of the wolf. Rhaella sat up slowly. Her fingers tangled into her hair, letting all the curls loose.

Aemond retrieved his clothing in silence however there was a self-satisfied smile on his face.

Rhaella was his.

“We should go, lest they send out the king’s guards,” Rhaella said. 

Aemond hummed in agreement. He noticed that Rhaellas corset was loose. He pulled her back slightly, quick fingers lacing the backing up.

“Where’d you learn that?” Rhaella said.

“Helaena,” Aemond responded. 

The pair mounted Vhagar once more. This time, Rhaella’s arms wrapped around the whole of Aemond, chin resting on his shoulder.

She couldn't deny it. Happiness had consumed her, nonchalant as she tried to be.

She need not the pact of marriage. Aemond could betroth anyone and she would not care. They’d now be tied forevermore.

They arrived back in Kingslanding. Entering the Red Keep once more, they were reluctant to part ways.

“That was an interesting gift,” Rhaella said, mirth in her voice.

“It crossed my mind to get you jewelry of some sort, but I recall you not caring much for it,” Aemond said.

“My prince?” A voice called down the hall. Ser Criston Cole. He seemed to appear anywhere she was these days.

Aemond’s hands moved away from hers. She did not protest. Their situation was...not ideal for public knowledge. 

“There is something I must speak with you about..now,” Cole said. There was clear urgency on his face.

Aemond turned back to Rhaella, she wouldn’t be remiss to see the slight apologetic look on his face.

“I’m coming,” Aemond responded to Cole.

Rhaella became all too aware of the empty halls. 

“Ser Criston?” Rhaella spoke. Criston Cole turned to face her. His expression was that of pure judgment. Suddenly, Rhaella felt rather self-conscious.

“Have you seen the Princess Rhaenys?” Rhaella asked.

“No,” Cole said, rather bluntly.

Aemond and Cole walked off to discuss matters unknown to Rhaella.

Rhaella carried herself back to her quarters, stripping down completely save for her underdress.

In the quiet moments between her drifting in and out of consciousness. Rhaella resolved that she would return to Driftmark on the morrow with her grandmother.

And with that, Rhaella lay limp in sleep.

[void-floyd-art]

Songs for Rook Ask Game for:

My precious boy Lenan Thorne

A small introductory letter for those curious

@teamtakagi

12. Which best describes them during their time as Rook?

Apple Tree by AURORA

The lyrics just fit so well! He's the youngest in the group at 21 and didn't even properly learn about magic until he joined the Grey Wardens and now he's supposed to stop elven gods from destroying the world?

20. What song plays for the "ending credits" of your Rook's adventures?

What The Water Gave Me by Florence + The Machine

This one is a little ironic, because one of his symbolisms is fire and he's got a genuine fear of deep and/or dark water. But the song itself also talks about being willing to sacrifice yourself for others - among other things. Sooo... very fitting.

@xdragon-riderx

6. What's a song they'd listen to? What's their taste in music like?

It would depend on his mood and he's a bit of an everything girlie, soooo here's two songs from opposite ends of the spectrum...

The Last Unicorn by America

Drunk n Disorderly by The Chats

10. Which artist best matches your idea for Rook's voice?

Definitely "fin", especially in the song Lost. Lenan is still pretty young and also has a naturally higher voice.

@so--whoonos

3. Which lyrics best represent Rook?

And it's my whole heart

While tried and tested, it's mine

And it's my whole heart

Trying to reach it out

And it's my whole heart

Burned but not buried this time

from Which Witch by Florence + The Machine

Lenan believes in the best in people - gives everyone a chance. He's fiercely loyal and feels things deeply, but despite rarely having his kindness repaid, he chooses to see the beauty in the world and greet it with an open heart. The song itself isn't quite as applicable to him, but these particular lyrics really fit Lenan well.

9. What song could an antagonist use to describe their conflicts with Rook?

Maybe this is cheating cuz I'm a major DreadRook/SolRook shipper, but Solas is still an antagonist, so I picked a song for him and Lenan.

It's definitely the mood for their dynamic after the betrayal happens. Lenan thought that Solas was actually coming around - that there could've been something between them! But Solas betrayed his trust - used his growing affection against him - so Lenan will make sure to repay him with fire.

Can't Catch Me Now by Olivia Rodrigo

@i-creatied-au

11. Which song best describes them during their time prior to being Rook?

Nobod'y Soldier by Hozier

He didn't really have a choice in becoming a Grey Warden. It was either chancing the joining ritual and maybe surviving or death via blight infection, but he's not that big on hierarchies or strict rules. He'll help wherever he can and do whatever he thinks is the right thing, consequences to himself be damned.

@larknnightingale

17. What song would you use to share a dark experience they had?

Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens

Goodnight, Travel Well by The Killers

I gave him quite some angst, but he doesn't really have a lot of "typical" dark experiences. Lenan still remembers how hollow he felt, when his father died. How he missed his songs and bedtime stories and his laugh and his terrible puns. And then after his mother's death, all he wanted was for her to hug him, to rufflee his hair and to call him all of her silly nicknames for him again. And I feel like these songs perfectly convey the depression after losing someone dear to you.

Thank you all so much for your questions and keep 'em coming! I have a few hours of train ride to get through tomorrow - I've got time!

[wisecrackingeric-2]

OKAY OKAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope you have/had an amazing day!! I’m chewing on you as a treat :) Love you!! /p 💝💖🩷💞💘

-I know it’s widely accepted that Léon has true man hygiene but I digress, he has an extensive routine with his hair and hair care and spends ages on it to keep it soft

-Luis loves this and can not for the life of him keep his hands out of Leon’s hair

-Luis, for someone of his stature, has a massive appetite and finishes off Leon’s leftovers most of the time too (The typical pointing at his plate; “Are you gonna finish that?”)

-After a while of this happening, Léon starts to realise that Luis has a crazy huge appetite and everytime he’s “not been able to finish his food” was actually a ploy to convince Léon to eat something other than microwave dinners. He never says that he’s caught on.

-Luis struggles to stand long enough in the shower to actually wash himself and his hair without having to take really long breaks and as much as he tries to brush it off, he ends up asking Léon to sit in a bath instead and help him wash his hair

-Leon is an Overboard Gift Giver, he spends hundreds of dollars on gifts, there’s no such thing as a casual gift with him. It goes without saying that he absolutely spoils Luis

-Luis is a more sentimental gift giver, old romantic with roses and chocolates and that one thing Léon lingered on too long at the mall but ended up putting back..

-Leon’s Spanish capabilities greatly improve with Luis, who teaches him how to actually pronounce things too (“Boosco un policía.. veeno arkee” Headass HAHDHEHSH)

-Luis and Ashley are the best of friends, they scream Little Sister/Older Brother duo to me, Luis will do whatever she asks, from cooking dinner to listening to 2000s girly pop music while she does makeup

-Luis Doesn’t Know How to Button His Shirts All the Way Serra

-SOMEONE had a HC that Navarro was his maternal surname and Serra is his paternal last name and I don’t know whether that was you, @/hamartia-grander, @/Geddy-leesbian or someone else BUT I AGREE

-Idc Luis and Ada are actually best friends and Ada listens to Luis gossip about Léon for hours

-He takes a lot of pride in his appearance, it’s one of his only traits that could be attributed to vanity and he spends ages putting together the best outfit for different occasions, Leon has learnt to tell Luis at least an hour in advance when they’re going anywhere

-Leon has also taken to being more openly affectionate, Luis preens under his compliments and lights up for the rest of the day when Léon tells him he’s beautiful

IM CHOKING TOU ANS STRANGLIMG YOU AND SHAKING YOU SO LOVINGLY

ARE WE THE SAME PWEAON OR SOMETHING??????? DO WE HAVE THE SAME BRAIN?????????????????? CUZ I LITERALLY HAVE SOME OD THE EXACT AAME HEADCANNONS TOO?????????????? LIKE LEON SITTING IN TBE BATH TO HELP WASH LUIS’ HAIR OR LUIS BEING AN OLD FASHIONED SENTIMENTAL GIFT GIVER VS LEON GOING ALL OUT ON GIFTS AGABSGBWDYNXHXNZJSJSJANSJDJDJ IM GONNA GO FERAL THANK YOU SOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSOSO MUCH

Also the headcannon You’re thinking Of is by @geddy-leesbian !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[winterwump]

Hii can i request goo x gun nsfw hcs? 🥺 Love you, stay safe 💘

💚NSFW Headcanons for Gun x Goo💚

Author’s Note: 🚨THIS IS A MLM PAIRING, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE MLM SHIPS, KEEP IT PUSHING🚨 Hi Anon! I’m glad you requested this bc I ADORE these two more than I love most things!!! I REALLY hope you meant these two as a couple and not individually lol. I have made this mistake b4😅 Here's the SFW Headcanons 🩵 This is a LONG one so ENJOY!!!

Just to get this out of the way: They’re both switches!!! Fuck all of that heteronormative “who’s the top?” and “who’s the bottom?” bullshit.

They both think it's dumb and, there was a mutual understanding between the two that they don't mind going both ways with each other.

Sex happens in the most yee-yee ways. Like, at random while Goo is cooking, Gun decides that he wants to give head.

And 9 times out of 10, Goo is down for impromptu sex.

But funnily enough, Gun is not very likely to have a moment like the one previously described.

Gun would have to be super wound up sexually to just suck dick on Impulse lol.

They have matching sex drives…kinda.

I know that sounds like I contradicted myself from what I said about Gun, just hear me out please:

Both Gun and Goo have high sex drives, it’s just that Gun doesn't typically initiate sex and it takes him a while to get going (NO Gun does not have an erectile dysfunction lolol)

Goo, however, seems like he’s ready to go at all times, and he’s much more likely to initiate sex.

Goo is the type to drop random sexual innuendos into casual conversations that he’s having with Gun.

Like Goo is known for being “The Most Unserios Man on The Planet™”, but he’s not the type to be blatantly sexual even with Gun.

So chances are, if Goo is throwing out sex joke after sex joke, it's safe to say that Goo NEEDS to get off.

These two have mastered the art of a quickie and all variations of the proverbial quickie.

Handjobs under a table?- You got it!

Super GawkGawk-3000 WITH a facial while being chauffeured to an event? - They’ve done it (Lil Nasties lol)

Even though they’ve mastered the ancient art of being sexual deviants in public, Gun and Goo do find the time to have long-form bedroom fun.

Marathon sex. They have marathon sex. Albeit, not that often but the point still stands.

So when I say marathon sex, I mean upwards of 3 to 4 hours.

For context, sex on average last for about an hour (including foreplay). So these mfs are going at it.

But don't think that GG aren’t taking breaks throughout the marathon. Because trust me, they are. But with a caveat.

Marathon sex for GG is like a war of attrition. Think back to when they were in the sauna. Except for this time, they’re seeing which one of them cums first lol.

I lied in my SFW HC for these two when I said that paying for their penthouse was the only thing that they went 50/50.

I say that because whenever these idiots are doing their war of attrition, its split 50/50 on who cums first lol. 

But once they’re both completely spent and can't go anymore, these two don't cuddle. At least Gun doesn't

Gun: It's too damn hot for cuddling, move (Cuz Goo would, no doubt, would be sprawled out on Gun regardless of who topped)

Goo: Boo you’re no fun!! Don’t you wanna hold each other?

Gun: Fuck no.

Goo: Yea, I don’t blame you!

And Goo goes to sleep, while Gun has one last cigarette before going to sleep as well.

This was fun to write, and I really hope you enjoyed reading this. I still have some WIPS to get back to, and I’ll get to them…eventually lol. Anyways, feel free to comment and request stuff. My inbox is open so have fun. BYE!!!!

[nekoannie-chan]

Teamwork?

Title: Teamwork?

Fandom: Marvel, Captain America.

Ship: Steve Rogers & Brock Rumlow.

Word count: 242 words.

Square: 3 “Forcing themselves out of their handcuffs.”

Rating: Teen.

Summary: Brock and Steve have to do teamwork.

Major Tags: Handcuffing.

Additional tags: This is my entry to @seasonaldelightsbingo Language of flowers bingo. 63.

Links: Wattpad, Ao3, Spanish version.

@saiyanprincessswanie

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.

I don’t give any kind of permission for my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

Add yourself to my taglist here.

My other media where I publish:  Ao3, Wattpad, ffnet, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter. 

If you like it, please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.

Tags: @sinceimetyou @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @navybrat817 @angrythingstarlight @shield-agent78 @charmed-asylum @pandaxnienke @real-fbi @Smokeandnailz @white-wolf1940 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @xoxonotme @bluemusickid @leyannrae @Harrysthiccthighss @Marvelatthisone @caplanbuckybarnes @sapphire-rogers @lizzieolseniskinda @notyourtypicalrose @hallecarey1 @nana1000night @talia-rumlow @writingshae @alexxavicry @azulatodoryuga @daemonslittlebitch @chaoticcollectivenightmare @endlesstwanted @chemtrails-club  @marigoldreamer @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @Here4thefanfics @theestorm @patzammit @kmc1989 @somegirlfromasgard @rogersbarber

Steve and Brock anticipated that the mission would be straightforward; it was the typical steps: infiltrate, obtain crucial information, and leave undetected.

After hours, Steve and Brock found the control room; however, before they could access the information, a silent alarm went off.

"We've got company!" growled Brock, drawing his weapon as the doors automatically closed.

"Quick, we need to get out of here," said Steve, but at that moment, they were both caught in a mechanical trap. Handcuffs closed around both of them, holding them together.

"Damn it!" exclaimed Brock, yanking the chain.

"Relax; we have to find a way to get them off," said Steve, keeping his cool, but at the same time they started towards the exit. "Let's go to the maintenance room," Steve suggested after a while. "There must be tools in there we can use."

Brock grunted. He didn't like the idea of depending on Steve, but at that point, he had no choice.

They ran down the halls, and Steve started searching through the tools. He had already tried to break them using his strength, but it didn't work.

"Having fun, Cap?" asked Brock sarcastically as he looked around, looking for any enemies.

Steve grunted. They would have to force themselves somehow to break them. He ordered Brock to hold still, and he would use the shield.

Brock rubbed his wrist as soon as he was free; he was sure he wouldn't tell anyone what happened.

[inconsideratekidney]

10/3/24

happy october! i love spooky season, not for the spooks, but for the earthy tones and slight weather change. i have definitely not prepared myself enough for this cold weather and am in a bad mood lately, but i am very ready for this season. i like it better downstate because it's very fucking cold up here.....i don't like it thaaat much up here, but everyone i know and care about is up here, so yur. i also love wearing sweaters, cardigans, sweatshirts, fun socks, ugg slippers, PANTSSSS pacifically flare pants and jeans in general.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i like that my hair sits on my shoulders and has enough volume that it looks vibrant, but what i wouldn't do to have thin hair that is easy to put up in a ponytail and take care of. i hate how frizzy my hair looks about one hour after brushing it, how it takes so much effort to put it up and how often i see other people putting their hair up in such cute braids n shit! i want that. every day it sits awkwardly on my shoulders waiting for me to give enough of a fuck to do something about it. i also don't do anything to take care of my hair. i just hate it and stick with whatever it looks like. i don't blow dry my hair ever, i also don't wear makeup really. i only brush out my hair after it's mostly dry, then i brush it a little, cuz it just frizzes up and looks poofy and stupid when i brush it out. i don't like how time-consuming hair and makeup is. i would love to be an eyeliner and mascara girly, but eyeliner is so hard. im good with my mascara cuz i also don't want to look like im wearing anything. it's super cool to see the eye looks people come up with, but i wouldn't want people to always look at me even if it made me feel good to wear it and that i worked hard on it--if that makes people stare at me or look at me more than usual, i don't want it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

why the hell is the boob rock all over the snapchat stories and why are these boobless computer science majors so invested in reincarnating it? it's so pathetic. get a life please.....stop bothering public safety to have to keep removing it after you guys keep replacing it......so odd and such freshman behavior. they also get so mad when you say that it's porn and upsetting women. sorry something you did upset someone else and you have to risk your ego. it's a dumb thing and honestly is such a tech school thing. sometimes i really wish i didn't go here....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my thumb hurts less, but still hurts. i am uncomfortable with the fact that it's not healing fully and that i can easily reinjure it if i am not careful....hate that. it lowkey feels broken..... it hurts in the bone area if i bend it outwards like in a direction your thumb doesn't typically go. this is like that doctor interaction:

"it hurts when i do this, doctor."

"then don't do that!"

i don't do it on purpose, it just happens when i do life. my bad, doc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there really are some people in my classes that stunt my learning. some people that talk during the lecture, fidget a ton and are too loud for my liking all throughout the lecture and they sit right next to me. i am referring to one person, but they really do piss me off. they weren't in class today, so i could pay attention better... i also had to ask for help with the lab and the person next to me was of little help and i wanted to cry after asking for his help because i still didn't understand what he said or whatever the fuck i actually have to do for the assignment. that assignment sucks and can kiss my ass. i hate statistics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this blog is all over the place as i am plopping ideas onto the page that have come up and are all that i can remember for the time being. sometimes i write these in multiple go's and i hate it because it lacks the continuity that i crave. i also love sitting down and writing it in one sitting because it develops a theme, but sometimes that theme is very tunnel-visioned and doesn't make any sense at all. this blog is not going in one single direction or even a couple, it's going in many directions and i couldn't care less this time to fix it because i feel like shit.

speaking of my blog and continuity--i want to try to post on either tuesdays or thursdays or both. thats what i did last week and it felt easier. thursdays appear to be the worst day out of my week consistently so i hope to get at least tuesdays.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

why do people have children? i mean seriously, why? because it's what other people do; because it's the expectations your parents set for you; because you want the population to keep going; because you really wanted to have a little girl since your own childhood for vague reasons at first, then realized you hated the way you were raised and want to do better for the next generation and you can't complain about the next generation going to shit when you aren't actively having children? yeah, these reasons are very pressuring. feels rough when i don't even really want children for myself, i just want to parent in a different way than my parents, and that in and of itself could be more harmful than just not having kids. idk. i probably will have kids so i don't feel useless in the future, but also, i don't want to pressure them to do anything they don't want to....idk....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i really dislike when people get so opinionated that they have blurred vision or even rose-colored glasses on. i want more opinions from different people, but it's also so overwhelming honestly. i need like a couple of business days to take in what people say to me, and that's way too long before people get bored or forget what five-second convo we had that i thought about for way too long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i scratched my watch against the wall when trying to get something in between my wall and my bed. it turns out my bed was too close to the wall and i want to truly throw it at the fucking wall because what the fuck. this thing gets scratched so easily and it pisses me off. i hope it goes away this time...it's happened before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am almost completely done decorating my room. got my mushrooms up, my butterflies have a home now, i put my mattress topper on my bed, and i removed the clutter from the ground. i gotta vacuum, build the shelf, put up some posters, and get a rug from target most likely. yipee!~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want more frilly socks cuz my typical socks pull on my hair and it hurts like a motherfucker.

i also have been sweating too much in this cold weather. gotta pick one or the other, babe. fuck my body and its stupid inequalities.

oki, goodnight y'all love you,

kD :p

[olderjodijournals]

Sunday, March 1, 1998

 

I slept just fine and got up at 10 PM, so there should be no problem with shopping and the library on Monday, and with my 4:00 teeth appointment on Tuesday.

Speaking of teeth, Tom wants me to have them give me laughing gas, even though he knows all I need is Novocain. I asked why the sudden change and desire for me to use the gas and said it was just cuz of how dental work makes him nervous. Then why didn’t he ask me to use the gas before? Anyway, I told him I’d tell the doctor to give it to me.

Typical Andy. I knew he wouldn’t get his money and drop off the journals last evening, but at least he didn’t keep me waiting 4 hours for a visit while I put off listening to music so I could hear the door, etc. He left a message saying he’d get it Wednesday afternoon whether or not I could be available. He also said he didn’t want to just leave me the two journals and that he wanted to add to my belated birthday present and buy other stuff.

I was almost right on when I said the freeloader would split again at 11:00. It happened at 11:20, actually, but I’d never have known it if I didn’t happen to be looking out the window to see if I could see who was mowing at the time, cuz that’s how much quieter even the door slamming has been. I’m thoroughly amazed that there’s been no music, but in time there will be. Old times have a way of returning with this fuck that’s as guaranteed as my shortness.

Now I just have to hope to hell that tomorrow’s as quiet. You never know around here.

Now for some good news before I get to more bad news. I’m just beginning to teeter just under the 125-pound marker, so it looks like the Slim-Fast diet plan and God are working just fine so far. As they say, though, I shouldn’t exceed losing more than two pounds a week. That can be bad for you and you’ll be more likely to put the weight back on too, after you lose it. So, if this keeps on working, we’re looking at my not hitting 100 pounds till June. I hope I don’t reach a plateau when I’m around 110-115 where I just can’t seem to budge my weight any further down, cuz that could happen and it’s not uncommon.

OK, the bad news now, and yes, I do blame God or at least something up there. This is a classic example, too, of what I mean by how fucking with fate can make things worse.

As I said before, Tom took Ma’s car to have its oil leak fixed. I thought to myself, Great. This way we can have more time together and get other things done, but nope, God’s just determined as all hell not to let him out of having to fix the car himself, cuz they did fix the oil leak, but in doing so, they fouled up 3 other things that Tom’s now got to fix. If Tom didn’t bring them the car to fix in the first place, he’d have just one thing to fix and not 3. See? It’s as if God’s saying, “You didn’t fix this yourself like I wanted you to, so now I’ll make matters even worse for you.” Anything to keep us away from each other a lot. It’s probably gonna be two weeks now before we can have some fun, cuz tomorrow will probably out. Next weekend will be spent moving Mom and with God acting like I’m fertile and that this isn’t the right time to have a kid (there’s never a right time for that what with how life’s one thing after another)! But that’s totally stupid. God can do anything. So why doesn’t he make sure he doesn’t cum if we screw at prime time, or ensure that no sperms meet the egg if it’s that important for him to control things?

Later...

I am without anything to read till Monday. Therefore, I’m trying to push myself to do my proofreading, but it ain’t easy.

The mice are starting to stink again, so I’ll clean their cages out when I get them their new toys, but at least it took a few days and not two minutes for them to start stinking up a storm again. I hope the store has all I want to get for them. Sometimes they’re not stocked up very well.

Another thing about my weight - well, it has to do with the subject of fate/vibes again. It’s just that I didn’t want to get my hopes up, so I didn’t want to mention it or put any real stock into it. Usually, when I can’t picture or feel something happening, like with a child, it doesn’t happen. When I was around 118 pounds, I knew I’d be in the 120s. I just felt it and could see it happening and it did. However, I couldn’t really feel/see the 130s and fortunately, I still can’t, but this may not necessarily mean I’ll lose the weight. Right now it “seems” that I will, but things aren’t always what they seem, either.

I trimmed my bangs earlier with the attachment that you hook to the vacuum. It sucks your hair up through the hose, then cuts it after you’ve set it at the amount you want to cut.

I don’t hear the cats as much tonight, which is nice. Maybe they figured they’d quit while they were ahead so they wouldn’t get starved again, which would be smart of them. I don’t know what it is they do to create the racket that they do against the wall, but I’d guess they kick at it. If they start up, though, no matter how much it pisses me off and distracts me, I’ll just take it and not give them the reaction they want. They want to get chased and they like to get chased. They don’t even mind it when I manage to be quick enough to take a little swat at them, either. I asked Tom if he still doesn’t want to get traps and he said he didn’t want the hassles or to take them where they’ll be killed. Well, what about the hassles for me? And I’m sorry if they get killed, but I shouldn’t have to deal with some pain in the ass stray cats, either. And the HS, if they can’t find someone to adopt them out, doesn’t beat them to death. They put them to sleep and they don’t feel a thing. Starving them won’t get rid of them. It only pisses them off into chasing Bunny when I go out to feed him. They won’t let him eat if I don’t feed them.

What? Does he really think we will have a kid and does he really want that and is therefore trying to get me used to distractions? Hell, I get it all the time from the other animals, so what’s the point? He’s always seemed to enjoy or not mind when I get distractions. It’s like he’s trying to make me get used to it and deal with it. I don’t like it when I feel he’s trying to force ways on me, be it instilling patience in me, controlling the sex and anything related to that, etc.

Monday, March 2, 1998

 

Thank God it’s Monday! In just two hours we’ll be going toy shopping for the mice, and to the library.

God answered my prayers to let me sleep late enough and throw my schedule around further, but it didn’t seem like he’d grant me this wish for a while.

Yesterday turned out to be a bit shitty. As far as we know, he came and went quietly. I saw him leave around noon. Then later, as we were talking in bed, this white car that visits on weekends with its music at a so-so volume came blaring in. We never heard this car leave, though, so that tells me once again that maybe she doesn’t like loud bass and that that’s his department and maybe she even left with these people.

Something did not want us to have fun, that’s for sure. This is the third weekend where it was rather painful when he entered me. Then came the sound effects - the bouncing ball. So we quit sex long before either of us could get off and I’m like - why? Why?! First it’s internal pain, now external. Meaning, with the waterbed, I had had a discomforting pressure feeling at times when we’d screw, but now it’s all irritation around the opening. Can God ever leave us alone sexually?! The part-time sex and his getting off very little is fine now, but must one of us deal with problems of pain/discomfort as well? Forget about the idea of me having sex with the same gender being a sin for me! It seems it’s a sin and I have to pay to have sex with anybody. So now I gotta deal with that too, and am putting hydrocortisone cream down there regularly. You tell me how one gets and stays irritated like that after they only screwed once a week for the last month or so. I know it’s just a reminder from God that he doesn’t agree with what I’m doing and as far as he’s concerned, my female parts are bad, dirty and abnormal, and he’s marking these things in ways to remind me of that and inflicting pain upon them.

No wonder it’s been peaceful as far as the cats go - White Feet apparently took off for a while. He’s the one that kicks the walls and jumps in the window for the most part. We think he’s a male and that Blackie’s a female. Blackie’s friendlier and less aggressive.

I just saw something really weird in the sky just as dawn was breaking. I guess it was a cloud, but the only difference was that this was the only cloud in the sky and it glowed and had pink, blue and other colors swirling through it. It was kind of pretty and definitely cool looking, so I shot a picture of it.

Anyway, it turns out that the basketball player was some little blond boy and he apparently wasn’t playing for long cuz he came in. At least we didn’t know he came in, though, till I looked out and saw him.

By then, at around 2 PM, I crashed and awoke at 10:40. About 6 hours earlier than I’d have liked to have gotten up seeing that my dentist appointment’s all the way at 4:15 on Tuesday. The toy shopping and library could be done early, though. So I upped and had a bagel and a Benadryl. At 11:15 I heard 15-20 car doors at least, but it wasn’t next door. After lying in bed and praying hard till just past midnight, I finally closed my eyes till just after 4:00. Thank God!

I’d still take those Mormons back, though, if I could. They were noisier in a sense, cuz their noise was more consistent with their dog/kids, but they didn’t make going to sleep stressful and they weren’t sick, selfish, psychotic fucks. So these new bassy stereos have upped my tolerance level for screaming kids. However, if one were in the house 24/7, then who knows? That’d probably be different and I’m sure I couldn’t handle it. Hell, I can’t even take care of my husband’s dick and he’s all grown up, so I don’t see how I could take care of a screaming, demanding, destructive child.

Tom now estimates our being out of here in 12-18 months. I hope he’s right and if he’s not, I hope he’s wrong in a way that his guess was late, but we’ll see.

I had some very weird dreams during my nap. You can’t hide very well in Massachusetts even at night in the woods when there’s snow on the ground. The woods are just tree trunks and twigs in the winter without the density of their leaves, and a white ground shows up better in the dark than a darker-colored ground. So, you can be seen many yards away as the snow glows and illuminates your form. In the dream, I was being chased by someone with a gun.

Then there was this professor. I was still single, still living in Massachusetts, and obviously taking college courses, too. I had apparently moved in with, or near Tammy, but Tammy didn’t live in Connecticut. I guess I had a thing for this professor, an older guy, and sensed he liked me too. It was later than usual, cuz he and I got to talking after class. He asked me where I was from. I told him I was from western Mass. now from eastern Mass. Guess Tammy lived near Boston. I then asked where he was from and he said France. I said I should’ve known this by his accent. He offered me a smoke. I said I quit. Then I asked him for a ride home since it was dark, snowy and cold out. I knew that I couldn’t count on the darkness to hide me cuz of the snow. Also cuz of oncoming car’s headlights. He said no to the ride request. Apparently, he was afraid I’d tell Tammy (I said I intended never to tell anyone, though) and use it to my advantage somehow. So then I expressed my fears about walking alone in the dark and how I’d be terrified every time a car passed (this walk was through the woods). He was telling me I’d be fine and how he liked that thing I brought in to show him, as a way of suggesting I take it with me. That “thing” was a stun gun, I think. So I frantically looked through a file cabinet to see where I’d put it, then threw on a ski vest, put my braid inside it, looked down at my black T-shirt, and commented on how I’d be freezing. Then we hugged and he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him, and that’s all I remember.

I’m printing out some journals for proofreading. I figured out a neat way to hide anything I don’t want Bob to read since I’ve decided to send him these sheets in a manila envelope at some point. I just count how many lines down the text is that I don’t want him to read (like jokes Kim and I would pull on him and how we’d share his letters with each other) and then I pull up a blank page on the computer, count out to those lines, then type x’s and print it out. So that way it’ll x-out what I don’t want him to read.

Tuesday, March 3, 1998

 

Again, God answered my sleep schedule prayers. That’s really nice of him, but why that and not the one with the child? It’s just not something I could handle, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Anyway, they pull my teeth later today, etc. I’ll write about how that goes, of course.

Yesterday I got mail from both Kim and Bob.

We left yesterday at 8:00 and went to Wal-Mart. He didn’t find anything he wanted, but I got 3 pairs of panties and one pair of pink sweatpants.

I also got a new cage for the mice, a couple of T-tubes, and a Snap-On feeder. The cage came with a Snap-On wheel, litter, food, treats, a care guide, and nibble sticks. I should’ve figured as much too, since the other cages came with similar stuff. The wheel, though, is about as bad as the one I used to have that Mary gave me. It scrapes and squeaks and doesn’t run smoothly at all. That’s OK, though, cuz it’s mainly for looks. Just to have another accessory and a place for them to hang out. I got one pink T-tube and one that’s reddish pink. The little house has the same purple bass and blue bottle, but this time, instead of a purple dish/burrow and orange door, I got an orange dish/burrow and a purple door. It’s so nice to have a door again with a clasp that isn’t broken and it’s nice to have two of these dishes/burrows. They absolutely love the different colored little nibble sticks, that’s for sure. The feeder, which is magenta like the wheel, is really cool. You fill the top of it with food and it slowly dispenses itself towards the bottom as they eat what’s there.

I realized afterward I forgot to look at puzzles, but I did get a really cool dog mug. The only reason I did is that its really cool pink/purple background caught my eye. It really stands out against the others with its bright colors and this one’s a poodle.

Then we went to the library where some stereotypical tall, anorexic-thin, blond model was getting a photoshoot done for reasons we don’t know.

Later...

Today and yesterday were beautiful days of near 80º. On the flip side, I’d think today was Saturday or Sunday if I didn’t know any better. All those fucking mother-fucking stereos! Imagine, though, how much worse it’d be with the stereo situation if I were still on Locust St. or Oswego St. Good God! I’ll bet they not only blast by a million times more than they do here, but many cars sit there while waiting to pick someone up, or while gabbing with someone on the street, all the while the damn bass is thumping.

At least the guard dogs don’t bark every other 5 minutes. Usually, that is. Sometimes they still do. I’m surprised that the kids that live there or are brought there for the daycare thing they do aren’t out on the monkey bars or playing ball every day in their backyard.

When I went outside earlier, I didn’t see Bunny right away. Then he popped up from his hole underground. It was so cute. Then he did something weird - he filled in this hole. I wonder why? Anyway, Tom says that now that he can dig “real” rabbit holes to where he can submerge his whole body, he can survive the summer heat. He knows this from when his family raised, slaughtered, and ate rabbits.

I got 9 different address labels with my address on them, plus a catalog from Colorful Images. God, they really want my business.

I should do some proofreading now, but instead, I shall go read my library book.

Later...

Believe me when I say I am in one foul mood, cuz that’s exactly what I am. I have the freeloaders to mainly thank for that and it’s really too bad that 99% of them can’t be like the sweet black girl that was the dentist’s assistant today. Most of them are nothing but sick, lazy, selfish, rude scum and if that’s being a bigot, then that’s exactly what I am. And I’m damn proud of it, too!

Now that he’s not blasting me out as much, they’re having their friends do it. They must’ve just found out I wasn’t served, cuz if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear it was the weekend. I don’t know how he came in today, cuz he came in before we returned, and there was some car parked on the street, too, in front of their house. Then the bitch and kid came in with some green car, according to Tom who peeked out, and the bass was totally obnoxious, so she obviously doesn’t have a problem with it after all. Then after trying so hard not to go over there and beat the snot out of them, which was so incredibly hard! I mean I never wanted to beat the shit out of them so bad! I was headed out the door, too, but then I said to myself - OK, I’ll keep my promise to Tom and not lay a hand on them, but I’m gonna make their lives hell. I’m not gonna just sit and take it anymore. Then another car went banging out, which Tom said was another car. I should’ve looked myself, cuz I wonder if it was really him that banged out. He’s always covered for him. Or tries to, anyway. And I could’ve sworn I heard him return, too, but with no music. On the other hand, his car was parked in the carport when we returned and that meant he was in for the night.

I’m so fucking sick of these people and I’m telling you, I’m not gonna take another two years of this shit! Oh, I am gonna kick the shit out of them, alright. Just as soon as we move I’m gonna come back and hurt them. Cuz if I don’t, I’m gonna live with this anger forever. Not kicking their asses will keep it bottled up forever, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I am gonna make one hell of a racket every night that I’m up. If these people are gonna be an everyday part of my life by force, I’ll force myself on them right back.

I banged like hell at the side of the house after Tom ran up to get me some wine coolers and him some soda, so I wouldn’t have to sit and listen to him tell me that I’m being just as bad as they are, cuz I don’t care!

And also, I’ve written my own letter to the city. I know it won’t do me any good, but I had to do something to get my anger out, so I don’t lose it, then get shot by one of their sick friends who are just as sick as they are. I wouldn’t put it past a sick freeloader like this to know gang members and have them shoot someone. So, I’ll come back one night when we move and they can’t find us. And they won’t be able to go to the post office and get a forwarding address for a buck for sure, cuz we’ll have a PO Box. There won’t be no mail carriers where we’re going. I’ll still kill them if there is, though, if only in my fantasies.

Meanwhile, I told the city in my letter to them that this has been a continual problem, there are several people coming and going with loud stereos, we contacted them before, and it helped a little bit at first, so please help take care of this problem once and for all, etc.

This isn’t exactly how I worded my letter, but it’s the basic idea of what I said in my 10-or-so-line letter.

Another thing that really gets to me is what if I wanted a kid as bad as I used to and what if I could conceive? There’s no way I would have a child here with these sick fucks at my side even if I could, and the reason it really gets to me is cuz I don’t like being controlled! Well, fortunately preventing me from getting pregnant is not something I have to pray for or work at. It’s a done deal and for once, I look forward to Tom dodging fertility people. If I’m ever gonna deal with that issue again, it’s not gonna be till after we’re out of here.

Meanwhile, I’m sure I’ll know it when they get in tomorrow, too, cuz I know this is gonna return to being an everyday thing. How am I gonna keep myself from beating them to bloody pulps when they wake me up?

Wednesday, March 4, 1998

 

And the shit goes on! Before I get to it, though, let me back up and cover the trip to the dentist first. As usual, there wasn’t much waiting time, so that was nice. Having the tooth pulled was a breeze and only took 3 seconds. There was no discomfort afterward at all. Not as long as I don’t chew in that area there won’t be. The spacers and molds they put on weren’t too comfy. She had to apply a lot of pressure to get the spacers in, which fell off. I forgot to ask if I could chew gum. The gum got stuck in one of the spacers, but what made the other one fall out, beats me. I’m gonna be really fucking pissed if I can’t chew gum during this ordeal. I have to go back tomorrow to get them put on again. What a pisser, huh?

As for the molds, when they first put the shit in your mouth, it’s like mashed potatoes, then it firms up. When it sets up enough for it to be taken out, it really tugs a lot cuz it’s kind of like vacuumed on there. The stuff also feels like it’s gonna go down your throat, too.

They also took pictures of the baby tooth before it was pulled. They gave me a regular-sized photo of it, too. The photo had 4 pictures of it at different angles.

I fell asleep last night at 8:00 and 4 hours later (it’s always that 4th hour that if any shit’s gonna wake you, it wakes you) I awoke with bad diarrhea. I had been stuck for a couple of days and took a women’s laxative that’s supposed to give you “gentle overnight relief in 6-12 hours.” Instead, I got harsh middle-of-the-night runs in 4 hours. So if I was gonna be up, so were the freeloaders. I went out back, did some banging, then fell back asleep from around 4:00 - 8:00, had some more runs, took a shower, ate a pork chop and had coffee, had more runs, then called Tom about getting me something for this shit after he’s done bringing Neva and Peggy to the airport to go back to Michigan.

I also told Andy that today wasn’t a good day for visiting, but that I’d leave his money out for him.

Daddy cat roams around the yard a lot more these days and now there’s some new female cat that’s hanging around here, too! Jesus, we’re gonna be overrun with cats!

I don’t know if the mice were worried about me or what, but earlier, they were pretty active for it being daytime.

Later...

Tom’s gone to bed. He’s pretty bushed.

I still have to see Andy come get his money to believe it.

My stomach’s just getting better and I ate my way back up to 123 to get my strength back. Hopefully, that’s all I’ll get back up to. Tom brought home some stuff for diarrhea if it acts up again.

All’s quiet around here now till the freeloaders come home. And till some other stereo cruises by. Again, I would think it was the weekend if I didn’t know any better. I must’ve heard 3-4 stereos breeze by.

We’ve changed our moving plans and I’ve decided that I’m just not gonna go to no fertility specialist. Not now. Not ever. I have to sit back and look at it realistically. I just could never handle a kid. Not after all I’ve gone through. I need peace and stability in my life. Not chaos and stress.

So I told Tom it’d be good to pick out doctors in case say I get an infection or something and need antibiotics. There were originally 3 steps to the plan where he was to get a check-up, then I was to get a check-up, then we were to see the fertility people. I told him we could do the first two steps and drop the last one. He then said why not do the first two, then decide whether or not we want to do the last one? Well, I know he’s fine not doing the last one. Meanwhile, we have enough going on and there’s no way we could fit a child into our plans, anyhow, regardless of what he says. He’s my husband. He’s supposed to tell his wife she can do/have something she mentions doing/having. But in reality, I wouldn’t let them fix me now if they could. I’ve had enough. It’s now onto practical things that can be done that I can handle and that’d be in my best interest as well as the interest of those associated with me.

It was gonna be 12-18 months, so he says as lousy as he is with timetables, when we were gonna use the stock money to buy the land and new house with, then the sale of the house money for new furniture and a pool.

However, if we want to split sooner, like in maybe 8-9 months (although that seems like just a dream) then maybe we could use the stock money to buy the land and get a cheap trailer. Live in the trailer for 3-4 months while we built the new house, a smaller house than we originally planned. And get new furniture. Then we could take the sale of this house money and use that to rebuild a bigger home, and then the smaller one can become a guest house. The only real delay will be putting in a pool, but if I had to choose between being delayed a pool, versus getting the fuck out of here, you know which one I’d choose. Besides, we can always get a huge kiddy pool or an above-ground pool like Tom mentioned. I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see and I’ll let you know what happens as it eventually happens, OK?

Oh, brother! Here we go again with the upset belly. Thank God Tom brought home the stuff he did, although I could’ve used it 14 hours ago. Is this shit ever gonna get out of my system? It’s amazing what laxatives can do to you!

Thursday, March 5, 1998

 

Andy made a big production, once again, about coming over, but like he said, thank God I wasn’t waiting for him cuz I’d have been pissed. He did make it over, though, but he came at night rather than in the afternoon. I figured as much, though. I was asleep when he came, but we didn’t plan to visit anyway, cuz of my stomach (which is better now).

He picked up Laura’s money and left my belated birthday gifts. There were two journals and they were very nice. He wrote a page in one of them, of course, and it was the nicest page ever written by him. It was neat too, cuz the first half of the page was touching and sincere, then it got crazy and made no sense.

Then I also got a box of those mini stickers. There were about 500 of them. I’ve gotten these things before, but not with these designs. I used them to decorate the inside journal covers I have, as well as envelopes. One will go to Andy with a thank you/wacky letter. Then there was another box containing sheets of 525 stickers that you colorize yourself. It came with 8 markers, too. There was one preprinted sheet, though.

Lastly, there was a lace-like blouse from Laura. I could tell it was from her cuz of the cigarette smoke. It was also her size and style, although we obviously have similar tastes in styles. I’m not her size anymore, though.

Andy will have himself a little treat next time he does come over. Marla sent an animated birthday card with sound for him. I’ve got it in my world and will play it for him next time he comes over.

Ma sent back baby carrots and shredded lettuce for the critters that were leftover from her company. They appreciated it, too.

Ma’s really beat after having company for a week, so we’re gonna let her rest up this weekend, rather than move her this weekend. God, you’re gonna have to use something else to dodge this oh-so-possible pregnancy that can happen. I’ll be mid-cycle this weekend, so since I’m oh-so normal, you’ll have to tie Tom up with something else or make sure he doesn’t get off.

I’m sure he won’t get off, though. I’ve expressed my dwindling desires for a child and how I don’t want to be bogged down with fertility doctors and a child if that were possible, cuz it’d stall us from moving sooner, from living life, and from obtaining any peace. He said he disagrees, though. Of course, he does. Nonetheless, it wouldn’t fit into our lives at this time if that were meant to be, but I know I can count on God to not extend this family.

What a cute scene I witnessed earlier. A few of the pigeons, mainly Measles, decided that they too like pellets, so she and Bunny were eating them together out of the little bowl I have out there. It was adorable and I shot some pictures of it.

El cock is still quiet with the music but is sometimes door slamming again. So, they’re having their company blast off instead, huh? However, all was quiet yesterday. I was surprised. Guess they didn’t have company that day.

Went to get my spacers put back in, and this girl, who was someone I don’t think I’ve ever seen before, was sort of rough with me. She had to be, though, cuz it turns out that that black lady didn’t put them in all the way. Guess she was too gentle with me, but this one jammed them in and put pressure on my lower lip in the midst of it that I thought it’d split on me. Then, one of the spacers broke and I got the inside of my mouth smacked with the tweezer-like tool she used to jam them in between the back molars where the bands are gonna attach to. She finally got each one in all the way. I can tell they’re in all the way too, by how I can’t feel them with my tongue, whereas I could feel them the first time around. The good news about it is that I can chew sugarless, non-stick gum without a problem and even when I get the braces. Thank God! She said that she actually encourages that to help with the muscles since the teeth will be sore.

My folks are gonna be moving into a 1-story house to make it easier on them. As I told her, I never could understand why they got a 2-story condo and not a 1-story house in the first place.

Friday, March 6, 1998

 

I just spoke to Larry who said he just spoke to Dad. I was surprised, yet pleased to hear that Larry’s to be picking up Lisa and taking her to his house for the weekend since she and Jen have been talking.

This is the second winter in a row that hasn’t been too bad in New England. It was still funny how Larry said it was to make it up to a whole 40º there today. Well, it’s to be almost 40º higher here. Lately, it’s been nearly 80º and gorgeous. There were some clouds earlier and they say there may be a chance of rain till midnight, but as usual, it’ll warm up and clear up in time for a bright and sunny weekend where kids will be playing ball next door, along with their company blasting in and out, if he doesn’t start up again, too, like he very well might.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but Tom says that they just allowed gay marriages in the state of Alaska. That’s nice, cuz I don’t think anyone should have the right to tell someone who they can/can’t marry. He says that usually when one state changes a law, the rest of the states follow. Yeah, but wouldn’t that take some time?

Well, it looks like I’m stuck again here. This is the second day since I last took a shit, but I ain’t taking no damn laxatives, that’s for sure! I’ll just shit whenever I shit. It’s common for a woman to be constipated for a day or two every week or two. At least it doesn’t get absorbed into me and make me fatter like it used to. Instead, I now make up for lost time. If I skip a day without shitting, I’ll shit twice the next day to make up for it. Then it doesn’t become another factor in me gaining weight. It appears that my metabolism just might be speeding up - finally! I’m waking up a pound or two lighter like a person should. I’m at 124 and if I keep losing two pounds a week, I can be at 100 at the end of May or the beginning of June. My thigh and tummy exercises don’t seem to be helping much, though. My thighs are the size my waist should be. A whole 23”!

Later...

Tom’s home now eating lunch. It’s still kind of a dank day out there, but we’re gonna trim some hedges, anyway.

Sunday, March 8, 1998

 

It’s now my favorite time - Sunday evening. It’s also about time I got updated in here, too. Let me get our beautiful neighbors out of the way first. I could’ve said it was a peaceful weekend, until 4 hours ago at 4:00 when he based out. He returned quietly, so he wasn’t telling me he was leaving like he sometimes does by playing the music at a so-so, but still unacceptable and distracting volume. Well, he’s gonna have to be woken up tonight. I didn’t want to, cuz I’d prefer to do other things, but come 1 AM, he’s gonna have to hear me. As long as it takes for it to sink through his thick black skull that music means a wake-up call is as long as I’ll make myself heard in return for hearing them. And it was definitely him and not company, cuz I saw him. So what’s this? If company doesn’t bang in or out on Sundays, then he will?

Thank God there’s no dog there. Yet.

Tom fixed the back screen door which was coming off its hinge and he changed the pig’s cage while I did the mice.

Earlier, I took Velvet outside and he and Bunny were nose to nose saying hello to each other. Bunny was nice, too, since he was outside. He runs up to me a lot to pat his nose and to remind me, as Tom says, that he’s still my Bunny.

We only screwed once over the weekend, and again, I faked an orgasm. I don’t know what’s suddenly deflated my sexual appetite, but I’m hardly ever horny. And when I am, he’s either not here or is asleep, so I end up taking care of myself. I kind of like it, though, not having the higher drive that I had before. Like I said, it seems to snuff out the baby desires and we can’t have sex too much more than once a week anyway since he’s busy and since my schedule doesn’t always match his. Keeping the sex down to once every week or two keeps things more exciting. He never had much of a drive himself anyway, and he did not want to get off at all this weekend. I understand, though. If I were this normal woman he thinks I am, I could’ve gotten pregnant and I still think he doesn’t want a kid. It just may be a deep-rooted subconscious thing that he isn’t consciously aware of. It probably is, the more I think about it. He doesn’t know he doesn’t want a kid. I know, though, and the idea appeals to me less and less, too. I just don’t know if I really want to put up with all it’d entail these days. I want life, peace, tranquility. A child is not only something I couldn’t handle but why bring anything into the picture that could come in between Tom and I? I don’t want to risk or ruin a good thing. Yeah, we have our disagreements, but still, our marriage is too good to be altered in any big risky way.

We would’ve ended up screwing on Saturday, the day most likely for baby-making if I were normal, but due to our way of communicating, we didn’t (not that he’d have necessarily cum either, cuz he probably wouldn’t have). This got me thinking, though. We had agreed to go out to do errands at a particular time. Then he said he was gonna go lay down right around that time (this freeloader’s getting on my nerves with his door slamming again)! Anyway, I told him I thought we were gonna leave at that time and he said OK, we could leave at the original time we said we would. So we did. Then when we came back and got around to laying down together, he was too tired to really get it up (or too scared to as well). Now here’s what proves I’m right about God not wanting to help me and why I’m glad I don’t want a kid too much these days anyway. It’s cuz God could’ve seen to it that we did get together at a good time and that he did cum and that a baby was made. Although a child is still something I don’t deserve, not in my cards, couldn’t handle, don’t really want as much anymore, and that would be wrong for me, maybe I am fertile. Maybe I really, really am OK and for some reason, God’s just protecting me from a child and making sure I don’t conceive, rather than sterilize me or anyone that’s gotten off in me during my life. Maybe he doesn’t have to. Maybe it’s simpler for him than I can imagine. Maybe all he has to do is just think in his mind how he doesn’t want a sperm to connect with one of my eggs cuz a child isn’t in my destiny, and then it’s a done deal.

Tom and I were talking earlier and he was telling me that he believes he and I can do anything we want and that if we believe we can’t do something, then we can’t. He also says that most people in general find it more fulfilling to dream about something than to do it. I always wished I was one of those people, cuz almost all my dreams were impossible dreams, but now I feel more and more satisfied with just dreaming about a child, cuz I know what the consequences would be for actually having one.

I’m gonna do everything I can do to go along with God and make sure I never have a child, whether it hurts or not, cuz if he feels I don’t deserve one, I feel I don’t deserve one. And it’s true. I don’t. I have other blessings that I do deserve and God can’t spoil one by giving them everything they want. Also, I always got off on punishing myself, so to speak. I don’t know why I do it, but it’s something my instinct has always told me to do. So to be cruel to myself, in a sense, and deny myself the right to a child (along with God), will make me feel stronger and I believe it’ll score points with God too, cuz that’s also doing the right thing. It’s when I do wrong and go against his plans for me (or try to) that trouble comes. That real trouble comes.

I have been stuck for the longest time in quite a while, but hell if I’ll take laxatives and get sick in order to shit! I’ve been taking Metamucil, but so far it hasn’t helped. The weird but nice thing about it is that my weight’s still down. However, it’s obviously not gonna be down to 122 this Wednesday like it should be, so once again, something up there doesn’t want me losing weight. Every time I think I just may be able to shed this weight, something happens to remind me that it just isn’t gonna happen. Chances are excellent, especially as long as I don’t smoke, that I’ll never be thin again, and I just have to accept this like it or not. Anyway, I’ll shit when my body’s ready to. Maybe all this typing which I haven’t done in a few days will help because as I said before, banging on the keyboard always seems to bring on a dump.

Got a letter from a very unhappy Bob who said something along the lines of how if he can’t prove himself to me and Kim, too bad. How dare I think he’s stuck his dick in anybody in the last 15 years, he’ll answer any questions but has no feelings left, etc. I know that his not having sex in 15 years is bullshit and even he’s said so, but nonetheless, he obviously took my teasing all wrong. I told him I don’t give a shit where his dick has been in the last 15 years. It’s none of my business.

So other than sending him old journal drafts from my proofreading project, I have to use them for him. Never did, anyway, other than car rides and for someone to read my old journal stuff/wacky letters. I get a real kick out of people like Fran, Nervous and him reading my journal stuff. That way I know my writing’s been put to good use and has been read by someone who will read it and I won’t be embarrassed cuz it’d be read by someone whose opinions I could care less about.

Later...

I just rearranged the mice, not just their cages, but where their cages are. They were right by the doorway separating the kitchen and back room, but now they’re by the back door. I really like this a lot better, cuz now I won’t get a whiff of their stinkiness every time I walk by them, and I walk to and from the back room and kitchen a lot more than I go in and out the back door. I think it’ll also help with their smell if they’re right by the door, too. I can also see them from the kitchen now and I’m sure that due to their inquisitive nature, they’re quite pleased with being able to see more of the house where they now are.

Yesterday, we went to Staples where he got a program that lets you design your own home, which I think is a little too soon to get, but he wanted it.

We also went to a couple of art stores where we got thinner cardboard since the one we got to do journal covers with, was too thick for the puncher. We came up with some pretty cool experimentations, though. On one so-called cover, I’ve got a desert scene, some clipart palm trees, and a picture of Norah. On another cover, I’ve got strips of pictures. A strip of Gloria, then Norah, and I rotated back and forth. Each strip of 4-6 pictures is the same picture.

Anyway, we used a type of clear contact paper, but that bunched up in certain areas. We used a spray, too, to laminate one of the covers and Tom says that dried too fast. So, I’ve been using these two covers for just decorations.

The iron-on shirts - now that was a cool project! I’d have killed to have done these in 1989 when I was really hot for Gloria. Anyway, I printed out both Norah and Gloria pictures onto iron-on sheets, then ironed them onto 3 different T-shirts. I didn’t do a very good job on some of them, but it’s still awesome!

We got a form for ordering magazines through Sarah’s Brownie troop. I’m not a magazine person like Tom is, but nonetheless, I got a Weight Watchers magazine and he got a couple of computer magazines.

Guess Tammy’s happiness has been rather short-lived. Things are civil with Bill and she’s still with Mark and is happy with him, but the problem is Lisa and Mom.

She says Lisa’s smoking. Yeah, I figured as much. No, I’m not mad, but I am disappointed, as I said before. I can understand the “hell, I’m not gonna quit, and cigarettes will never bother me” attitude. I know how it almost always takes years to quit and I can see her wanting to tell someone she looks up to that she did in fact quit when she really didn’t. Anyway, she said she told Lisa that she’d prefer she didn’t smoke for reasons that are obvious, like how it’s bad for you, but she also knows she can’t stop her. She said all she asked of Lisa was that she smoke outside and not in her room. Lisa isn’t listening, I guess, and from what Tammy says, she’s going and doing the opposite of what Tammy says. Yeah, that’s kids for you and again, do I really want one of those rebellious things? I don’t think so. I think I’d prefer to just think about it. Cuz then I don’t have to really deal with motherhood’s shit.

She said Jen stood there for 3 days and that she and Lisa had a good time, but Lisa did not end up going to Larry’s this weekend after all. Tammy said teachers at Lisa’s school were calling about her grades, etc. That’s why Tammy told Larry that maybe next weekend would be better, cuz she needed to catch up on her schoolwork.

Then she said she’s had it with Mom and is ending her contact with her. Mom was questioning her parenting, telling Tammy she’s not an RN and to send a diploma to prove it (Tammy’s really just a nurse’s aide and she has told Larry and I that she was a nurse, but since I know Tammy does hype things up, I just ignored it). She also told Tammy that 4 times she’s turned to men and asked if she was having sex with Mark.

At least she has Mark, though, cuz some people have no one and I know what that’s like, cuz I’ve been there. She agreed, but she feels alone as far as family goes. Family other than her kids. She pointed out how I’m so far away. True, and we both have mixed emotions about that, too. We’d love to see each other, but we know we have to do what we have to do. My family doesn’t have any regrets about me coming out here, either. They say it’s the ones you’re closest to that are the farthest away. If it were Larry she was closest to, he’d be the one out here.

Anyway, the only thing Ma said that I agree with, besides the fact that Tammy’s not an RN, is how Tammy does turn to men. She’s always seemed the non-independent type who’s gotta have a man.

I told her that if she wanted my advice, I’d email Mom, not call her, and tell her to fuck this diploma shit. Nurse’s aide, RN, MD - they’re all the same in the sense that they’re helping people. As long as Tammy enjoys her work, that’s what counts.

And like Tammy said, who the fuck is Mom to question her parenting, whether or not Tammy was a good parent when she was a shitty parent?! That’s something someone like my Mom would do, too, question someone else’s parenting. It helps her cover and justifies her own guilt for being a lousy mother.

I also told her she might want to tell Mom that it’s her crotch and her right to have whoever’s dick in it she wants.

Monday, March 9, 1998

 

Sleep well, my little freeloaders! For I am going to be waking you up in just half an hour. God, I hope so, but I don’t know. Wouldn’t God be waking me up as a payback, if I were really waking them up? Well, I can still try, anyway, and it at least makes me feel like I’m waking them up.

Anyway, I can’t get that girl off my mind. The one that put my spacers in all the way. I don’t know her name and don’t really remember what she looks like, but she totally turned me on. I do remember her to have really pretty brown eyes and a nice body. She’s probably in her 20s. She had nice teeth herself. Something about her mannerisms and the way she moved too, was a turn-on. I hope I’ll be seeing her again, whoever she is.

Later...

Guess I really am wasting my time with the waking up of the freeloaders. They either slept through all that pummeling, or they knew it was just me and didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of coming out to check. No one came out to look around, that much I’m sure of. Then I remembered how they slept through their dog yipping away for hours when it’d get loose.

I couldn’t tell for sure who it was, but someone went banging by real loud at around noon. If that was the freeloader, who usually starts back up after a quiet spell by having his music at a so-so volume like yesterday, then an outrageous one, things are gonna be hell around here again. I still say that the only way to solve this problem once and for all is with my fists. No city letter is gonna do it as long as we’re here and he’s in the picture.

I have a damn good accuracy rate when it comes to my vibes pertaining to them and I feel more and more that not only will she be there till we move, but so will he. It’d only take two minutes to end this stress and problem with blasting music once and for all. Either way, they will be facing my fists one of these days. Cuz if I don’t get them while we’re here, I’ll come back one day and get them after we’ve split and they don’t know where the hell we are. Anyway, we’ll just have to see how the sick, selfish fuck comes in later, but he’s not gonna be banging in and out for lunch again, without having to pay for it in some way. I’ll think of something if I don’t bash his black brains in.

Later...

I wish Andy could be as punctual with his visits as he is with his calls. He calls me right back - and I mean right back - when I leave a message.

I forgot to mention earlier that we went to see Ma on Saturday. Her hair’s growing back and she seemed fairly with it, but she looked awful, nonetheless. Her legs are now thinner than mine. She’s lost a lot of weight and atrophy has set in, so she has a lot of trouble walking.

Later...

I spoke to Andy who lost the second key to this house that I gave him. So he might come over sometime soon so that I can give him my key to use in case we do go to California in April and in case we do need him to feed the critters. And also, to see the animated birthday card that Marla and Evan sent.

Then I got what I think is a bright idea. I don’t know if Tom will agree with me just so he can have yet another thing to disagree with me on, or for some other reason I haven’t thought of, but just for a few days, I think my plan will work out just fine.

We can take out the floor tube in the mice’s cage that leads to the aquarium to prevent them from getting down there. Then we can put the pig in the aquarium and Bunny in the big hutch. We can’t put them in together, unfortunately, if Bunny’s just gonna go charging Velvet.

Since I quit smoking, God has not given me a day off from these fucking allergies! Every day I have sneezing fits. He just won’t give me a break!

I finally took a dump, but I’m hanging up my diet. I couldn’t lose weight if I tried, but that’s just the thing - I did try. My thighs and stomach just won’t take to the exercises that are best recommended for those areas and I gained back the few pounds I lost. Again, I know something up there doesn’t want exercises to work for me. And it doesn’t want me thin again. Like I said, I’ll never be thin again. Never. And just when I think I will, something up there’s like, “Oh yeah? That’s what you think!” 

And back to reality I’m thrown.

I thought I just heard a car door next door but didn’t see a car when I peeked out just now.

I won’t have to hold Laura’s rent money anymore. Gary put a deadbeat on Andy’s closet before he left to hit the road again to sell his jewelry.

Andy’s still lowering himself by seeing Quinn. He says he’s not a druggie anymore and has become this oh-so polite, sweet, human guy, but still - how can one be that desperate to stoop down to a person that abused them no matter how attracted they are to the person?

I feel a dump coming on, and I figured that I’d shit like hell once it started up again, to make up for lost time. What am I gonna do now? Shit 4 times in one day, then not shit for 4 days?

Later...

Just took dump #2. Well, at least I’m getting it out of my system. Maybe this is why I put my weight back on, but I don’t see myself ever being thin again. Well, I don’t know.

As I was saying about Andy and Quinn - I guess I shouldn’t talk. I was desperate for rides and for any help I could get from Nervous that I put up with his mouth. Nervous and I were both desperate, but in different ways for different reasons. The difference today, though, is that I wouldn’t get involved in the first place with a loser like Nervous, even if we did have some good chats and even if he was helpful. Andy should know better by now, but he feels that Quinn’s better than being alone. That’s sad. And such a lousy attitude. He said he knows he’s not in love with him anymore and that it’s purely a lust thing. He said he can’t get by anymore with sex just twice a year. He says he needs it once a month and that masturbating doesn’t cut it for him anymore.

I told him yet again, I don’t want a big deal out of a visit. I don’t want to play phone constantly leading up to our visit and I don’t want to wait hours for him. Then he went on to tell me how he ended up late for a visit with Quinn cuz his laundry didn’t dry in time, etc. In other words, he’s gonna come over when he says so and not when we agree to meet.

Later...

Well, I did lose a pound of those few I had gained back, so I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being teased with losing weight here. Anyway, I did my stomach and thigh exercises cuz even though they’re thoroughly useless, they make me feel like I’m at least putting forth my best effort.

It’s totally gorgeous outside now and they say it’ll get up to the mid-80s in a couple of days.

The freeloaders and possible freeloader company could be arriving any sec now, so I’m gonna go up front and read not only cuz that’s what I want to do now, but to get a good handle on how they come in. Although one may be able to get a so-called good handle on how they come in, from a whole 3 blocks away.

Later...

Got a Bob letter saying how sorry he is for being short with me in his last letter. He asked for a lie detector test and truth serum but was denied these things, etc. Same old sob story.

Anyway, it looks like that bitch of a cat may be ready to drop any time now. Tom says it’ll be more than two kittens, too. And I still say she’ll have them here and that her first two won’t kill them.

Also, the basketball hoop is gone from the backyard where the guard dogs are. I looked to see if they moved it up front, but didn’t see it. I sure as hell hope it wasn’t just something they were borrowing or that it broke, cuz then where are they gonna go? Right next door. And March, April and May tend to stir up kids and bring them out onto the streets. Of course, this warming trend’s also gonna stir up a certain pack of freeloaders, as well.

Later...

El cock hasn’t arrived yet.

Anyway, I did some jump roping and gained back that pound I thought I lost. Yup, something’s teasing me. Well, whatever you are, there are worse things in life than weighing 126 pounds.

Later...

So far, no freeloader. I hope to hell that this means that he’s taken off for a while and his music yesterday was just to let me know this. He does that at times - lets me know when there’s a change to come. Nonetheless, this bastard’s been there since what? Last May? So I’m well overdue for a break from the little shit.

Now I see where the basketball hoop’s been moved to. They moved it from facing us at halfway down their yard to facing the back up by their patio. It’s skinny from the side, so one could easily miss it and not know it was there like in my case. I discovered it cuz I could hear the kids screaming and could see the ball go flying towards it. Thank God I can’t hear their screams and the ball bouncing in the house. After the bass shit, I can deal with listening to kids as long as they’re not right outside the house, but just think, what if they had been our neighbors all along? That’d be a nightmare! So things could be much, much worse with the neighbor situation. All those kids and those two loud dogs would make the Mormons seem like mutes. Not to mention the constant car doors, since the parents drop the kids off and pick them up daily after they babysat them all day.

Miss Bitch cat is still hanging at the side of the house where she had the other two. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had them at night, so I’ll take a flashlight out and check periodically.

Later...

The freeloader’s here. I heard the car door earlier.

Tuesday, March 10, 1998

 

Well, Andy was wrong. He told me I had no idea how painful it was to have braces put on. That’s what he, Jai, and others have said that have had braces. Andy thinks everything’s painful, though, and likes to tell people they’re gonna be in pain. Anyway, it wasn’t painful at all. Not really even uncomfortable, either. The only cons to it were that it took an hour and a half, which felt like 5 hours, the cleaners they put on the teeth tasted nasty, and they feel weird. They’re gonna take some getting used to, and I suppose singing will feel a bit strange, too.

Another bummer is that even non-stick gum gets caught in the braces. Thank God it’s been a whole 5 months since I quit and that I don’t miss the damn things and aren’t as addicted to gum like I was the first 3 and a half months after quitting. I’ll be switching to Tic-Tac Mints instead. My teeth aren’t sore, but they are if I try to chew gum.

I got colorful braces, too. The braces themselves are traditional metal, but the bands under and around them are plastic and colored. She rotated colors - pink, purple and blue. As Tom pointed out, they look like little gemstones. I referred to myself as Brace Face at one point and Tom said he likes Wiremouth better. OK. Whatever.

Tom and I discussed it and in a year or two, I’m gonna go for it and get my crooked bottom teeth straightened out as well!

The bonus to having this shit done is that Miss Gorgeous herself is the one doing it. The doc came in to check things out, but other than that, she does all the ortho. Her name is Melanie Marie Something and she’s 27, has had braces herself and has nice teeth, has nice brown eyes (has a nice face, for that matter), has long brown curly hair, is about 5’ 6”, and is married. I was surprised too, but sometimes people you don’t think would be married, are married. She just seems the single type. Anyway, she’s been doing what she does for 8 years and I’m glad I get to stick with the same person (she says she’s sure she’ll be there forever) cuz then I feel more comfortable.

Anyway, I’ll have the braces on for a year, give or take a few months. Some people’s teeth move faster than others. After the braces come off, I’ll be wearing a retainer for a year, then just at night. She said it only took her a few days to get used to her braces.

She gave me a kit that contains a toothbrush for traveling, a regular toothbrush, and a little one with just a few bristles on it for cleaning the braces. There were also things to thread the floss behind the wires so I can floss easily, not that I ever really do. And lastly, she gave me some wax for the pointy parts. The brackets on the back molars that anchor the bands and wires have a pointy part that kind of scrapes my tongue, so I wax that part.

Nonetheless, I’m glad I’m getting this out of the way and again, I’m really glad I don’t have a child to bog me down and make things like this and our moving plans even harder to do. You hear of so many people whose plans were shot cuz they found out they were pregnant. The plan is to buy the land in about a year, give or take a few months, then live in a mobile home for a few months while we build a small house. Then we’d move into the small house while we built the final, bigger house. Then the small house would become a guest house.

Later...

Tom got a new job within the bank. It’s not so much a new job, but he’s gonna be the boss of his shift, which consists of 2-3 people, cuz the guy that’s been the boss of the shift, has left. So his hours will hopefully stabilize. He may work more like 2 AM - 10 AM. He’ll get to have more say in his schedule. And a raise, too.

Mom’s gonna be sending packages of stuff she’s not taking to the new house. One of them is on its way.

Thank God Tom’s different and so easy to please, cuz any other guy probably would’ve been pissed about last night. Tom said he’d like to eat, digest, then have fun around midnight, but come 11:00 I was beat and ended up crashing on the poor guy!

I hear Tweety filing his beak.

Wednesday, March 11, 1998

 

I did some singing a little while ago. The braces don’t really influence it one way or the other. The inside of the bracket, though, is just a wee bit too sharp and sticks out just a wee bit too much. Especially on the right side. I’m gonna see if she can adjust it. Meanwhile, I’m waxing the thing, but it’s not that easy. I can reach it easily enough, but I can’t get the wax to stick to it that well. It either falls off or is too thin at the pointy part. If it weren’t for the anchoring brackets, I’d probably already be used to these things.

Later...

We had a power failure earlier, so I had to set most of the clocks. I haven’t done the one on my stereo yet, and I’ll let Tom deal with the VCR one. It looks like the power failure killed the sound machine in the bedroom, but not the lamp that’s plugged into the same outlet. It fucking figures, huh? Of all the things plugged in to kill, it had to be a sound machine. Well, it could’ve been worse. It could’ve been my stereo or one of the computers. Fortunately, this happened after I got up, cuz power failures always wake someone like me up. Suddenly the fan’s gone and is replaced by cars, bumps, bangs, barks, etc., and awake I am.

Lately, it seems that something’s gone the opposite of how it used to be and is determined to protect my sleep. Not that I can complain about that one! The obsession God, or whatever, had with waking me up began slowly and ended slowly. It started around 1991, then was at its peak from early 1992 to late 1993, then tapered off around 1994. At least if I do wake up too soon, like that time I had diarrhea, my heart doesn’t feel like it’s gonna jump right out of my chest and my lungs don’t wheeze like hell. But if I had to do this every day for 4 or more months with a baby, that’d be different. We’d both be run down, cranky, and even sick. He’d very well lose his job. Not just due to being too tired to go in, but due to all the colds we’d both have. Babies and kids are always sick so we’d be sick a lot, too. Tom would go from having a few colds a year to a few colds a month! God may make mistakes by having 12-year-olds have babies, but he sure hit it right by sterilizing me! Oh, the blessings of it after all!

Later...

Tom, who is also good with people, noticed a pattern with Andy. Andy’s always seemed to take pleasure in telling people that things will be painful, and to him, everything is painful. So when I told Tom that he said getting the braces put on would be painful, Tom said that when I told Andy they weren’t painful, Andy would say, “No. It’s not getting them on that hurts. It’s when they tighten them.” True to pattern, this is what Andy said. I wonder why he likes to see others have to anticipate pain, though? I mean, that’s not very nice. However, I do have some irritation under my lip from the braces rubbing against them. Guess it’ll take time for them to get used to the rubbing and harden up to it.

As Tom agreed and said, most people are liars and most of what they say are lies. So on the 18th, when the time we agreed on is up, I’m sure he still won’t have made his appointment, but you know what? I hope he doesn’t. I mean, I want him to get checked out to be sure he’s OK and all that, but I just don’t want to deal with a child at this time. Maybe I’ll bitch about the child I can’t have after we’ve moved, but right now would be a horrible time to have a child and like I said, I want peace and quiet. Not to have to sit and listen to a demanding, fussy child cry. I want my freedom and to live life. I want my sleep. I don’t want to be tied down and miserable. I just want a child to be the thought and talk it always has been. Not a reality. Not anymore. Not at this time, anyway.

I also have to do what I feel the man I love wants, too. I want him to be happy, and cumming regularly and the idea of going to a fertility doctor has always seemed to make him anything but happy. Well, if he ever asks me if I still want a child, no matter what the truth is, I’m gonna tell him what he wants to hear and what I’ve seen to make him happiest and what I believe will make him happiest. And I know what can and can’t be, too (at least we’ll never have to face the birth control dilemma!).

Later...

These braces really are a bitch, what with how the knobby parts of the brackets dig into my tongue and lips. I hope they callous up and I get used to this shit real damn fast!

Our door-slamming freeloader is here. That’s the hardest slam in a while too, so maybe the reason why there’s no music and heavy door slamming again is cuz they heard about a certain letter. I figured that if they heard about the letter and felt it was worth turning the music down for, in exchange for it, they’d pick up with their slamming. I’d rather that, though, than their music, since they’re so desperate for my attention and for me to acknowledge that they exist.

That may not have been the freeloader cock after all, but the freeloader bitch, getting dropped off for the day. Yeah, I can see her as being much more of a door slammer with her aggressive ways.

In my ma’s email to me, she said congrats on the braces and congrats to Tom for his promotion. Also, she’s got 3 packages coming to me. Wow!

Later...

I spoke to Tammy earlier and she says it’s cold. I laughed. I told her how beautiful it is here in the 80s.

I was just outside playing with the cats. Meaning, White Feet and Blackie. I should call him White Paws, though, cuz I like that better. They came into the house for a bit, but I still can’t just sit there and pat them. I can get right up to White Paws, though, where I’m brushing his fur. Blackie’s less aggressive and friendlier, but she’s a timid one.

Just to back up to what I meant by when I said in my last journal that the girl who does my teeth is Melanie Marie Something. By “Something” I meant that I couldn’t see her last name on her diplomas. All I could see was that her last name began with a C before she was married, and now it begins with a W.

Tom said Ma had a seizure cuz she’s been dropping pills. She’d shove several pills into her mouth at once without realizing she was dropping some. Then after the seizure and finding pills all over, she realized she wasn’t getting all her medication as she assumed.

I hope she’ll be better and will live longer than a year. Tom thinks she doesn’t have too much time left. Maybe so, but a couple more years seems more logical. However, whether she goes now or later down the road, God will set us up to take care of someone else and it won’t be our child. Thank God!

What a gorgeous day that was. Getting a bit chilly out there now, though. The warmer weather stirred up the kids two yards down for a while as it usually does till it gets really hot. Again, I enjoyed how they couldn’t be heard in the house and how there was no dog next door.

Unbeknownst to me, till I checked, el cock pulled in shortly after the bitch’s ride pulled out. He’s not in for the night, though. Lately, instead of coming in for lunch, he goes back out for a while in the early evenings. Also, you’d think that if they’ve heard about the letters we sent, you’d think that they’d want to shut up, cuz it’d seem logical that keeping that house would be more important to them than harassing me. I also can’t read their minds to know if they really do hear me when I’ve made a racket at night, know why, and don’t like it. On the other hand, noise doesn’t bother them and these brazen fucks just don’t care. They think they can do whatever they want however they want to whomever they want.

Later...

The freeloader just left. I heard a car door, although not so loud this time. I bet you, though, that when he comes back and pulls into the carport and is right alongside the house, he’ll slam the living shit out of it.

Guess I’ll go do some proofreading and read some of my library book, too.

And think of Melanie Marie. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and wouldn’t touch another soul and would die without him, but a little eye candy on the side never hurt.

Thursday, March 12, 1998

 

This is definitely the hottest day of the year so far. It’s in the 80s and even in the house, it’s warm.

No more toughie here in the teeth department. Just when I thought braces would be a breeze, they were a nightmare yesterday! My inner lips were so sore from the braces rubbing against them. The sides of my tongue were sore, too, cuz the brackets rub against them. So I’ve been waxing them to death and using Anbesol to numb my lips and tongue, but the stuff only lasts for 15 minutes. I called the dentist’s office and they upped my appointment to Monday. Today’s been better, though, cuz I’m finally getting better at waxing them and after having them thoroughly waxed for several hours, it’s been easier on the sores. The braces really have their sharp points so the wax helps to keep the lips from scraping along them. Maybe my lips and tongue will toughen up to them, but I may tell Melanie the next time I see her, to just take them off.

I talked to Tammy and Paula. They say it’s cold and of course, I laughed my ass off at them.

Later...

I’m gonna try to eat what I can of the last of my chicken wings, but then I’m gonna have nothing but liquids and things like soup and bananas, cuz my jaw is so sore.

That stupid, stupid freeloader. Still doesn’t get it? No prob. Tonight he’ll just have to lose some sleep. He came in at a semi-soft volume, but I know his patterns. That semi-soft volume will lead to a semi-obnoxious one, then an outrageous one. What if I go over there and not beat them up, but tell them that either they shut up with the music or they get evicted and lose their subsidy? Will that do it? Or am I right when I say the only thing that’ll work is my fists?

Why is it that these people decided from day one that they’d harass me? I never did shit to them (not till they provoked me to). Why wouldn’t these people want to get along with their neighbors? Why be so selfish and ask for problems? I just can’t wait till the day, be it here or after we move, that I finally get to sink my fists into those black eyes, noses, and mouths!!!

He won’t leave again till sixish, then he’ll return at around 7:30. I’ll let you know just how much I hear of his departure and arrival, of course.

Got a letter from Kim. She got a job in Holyoke as an allergy nurse (she ought to come take care of mine) but isn’t seeing anyone still. Well, contrary to Andy, I don’t think she’ll be alone forever, but I just can’t picture her having kids. She just doesn’t seem like your stereotypical mom, although she sort of looks like one. Not totally, but a little bit.

They say a Pacific storm will be sweeping through. Saturday might be cool, cloudy, and damp, but Sunday will be beautiful and it’ll be warming up again.

Later...

I’m making mashed potatoes now. All I can have are soft foods.

Was that a freeloader that just tried to call? I unblocked the anonymous call reject. Paula comes up as anonymous, but we just talked and she usually leaves a message. Andy just told me he’ll unblock his line whenever he calls, so we’ll see.

I would say that yes, our lovely freeloaders were told of my complaint and for it, I’ve gotten screams, honks, ball bounces, door slams, and a pizza. At least there’s been no music yet and the more I think about it, the more I’m not sure if the semi-soft music I heard around 4:00 was the freeloader.

As for the anonymous call, it could’ve been Paula or Andy, but my senses tell me it was freeloader-related. I just smell a freeloader involved here and I know a freeloader when I smell one. So on goes the anonymous call reject again. Let them get up the guts to leave their number or come to me face to face.

Like I said, there was a lot of door slamming, and yes, warmer weather always stirs them up, but they did something they don’t usually do on a weekday and this is how I figure it’s cuz of the complaint. They sat in the car and honked a few times to add to the door slams, and I could hear several loud voices and a ball bouncing for a few minutes. The voices were for more than just a few minutes, though. More like 15 minutes. Maybe they had company, cuz there was this female freeloader’s voice that I’ve heard before from over there (I don’t know if it’s the one who left those messages a few weeks ago or not) and I thought I also heard a boy of around 8 years old.

Then the doorbell rang while they were still out and about. I guess I can smell a freeloader better over the phone than through the door, cuz if I could’ve known for sure it was one of them, I’d have beaten the crap out of them even with their little friends there. But as a rule, I don’t answer the door. I don’t answer sales calls or anyone that I’m not expecting.

I have two theories as to what it was all about and both are freeloader-related. I cut the light and looked out and saw a blazer-like vehicle in the driveway and thought it could be someone from the courts again. I agree with Tom, though, that it was probably a pizza by the way they knocked and rang the bell so persistently. This is the third pizza, if that was what it really was, that we didn’t order. So, let me guess - they got together with their mutually sick little buddies and decided to have fun with me on the phone. But since I didn’t answer, they decided to order me a pizza while they sat out front and watched. And it was about the right length of time, too. Meaning, that the time I heard them out there was about the time it’d take to place the order, and then to get it to me.

Later...

Oh, what a lucky, lucky freeloader! I just heard really, really loud music, ran out front ready to kill, and saw that the security light was on but didn’t hear no car doors or see a soul. Then Tom said that to him, he heard the song which was an oldie. They certainly don’t listen to oldies and with them, it’s all bass and no music. Then we heard what we’re pretty sure was the same car (probably cruising for drugs) and there was no security light, car door, or freeloader, so it was definitely some other lonely desperado.

One unfortunate thing I have learned, though, and that’s that he is allowed to be there after all. Unless she just claimed he’s just a visitor, and unless they didn’t come out to check, he can obviously be there.

Now my mom says she’s got 10 boxes on their way to us!

Here we go again with Andy and his daily calls. Called to tell me he was psyched to see Quinn tonight. I’m thinking - whoopee! Like I really care? I mean, I’m happy he’s happy, but he’s just got no self-respect. Also, this could’ve waited till next week. I told him I’d call him then.

Boy, if Andy read the stuff I’ve written about him lately, he’d be so pissed. I understand his point, though, but yet I have a point, too.

Tom and I discussed a new moving plan to get us out of here in about a year. We were originally gonna get a trailer, then build a guest house to move into, then the main house to move into. However, we’ll probably just go ahead and get right into a nice mobile home, then build the main house (the mobile home will become a guest house).

As I said, I talked to Paula. It was nice to talk to her, as always, but she’s still the same old Paula. Dating a 19-year-old who’s in jail for being a murder suspect, screaming at the kid and telling me she hates herself for having that kid. But still, she can handle a kid more than I ever could. She can keep a schedule. She also deserves it more cuz she has nothing, and I mean nothing! God knows this, too.

She said she was in Florida for a while visiting a friend who was a neighbor, who was bitchy, so she left early and dyed her hair red.

There’s also a serial killer on the loose in Springfield. She let me hear the 11:00 news and I guess that there were 3 black women and one white woman killed. Paula’s not too thrilled about it cuz they were all mothers in projects.

Friday, March 13, 1998

 

I went through all my clothes, and 95% of them are just too damn small on me now or don’t fit at all. It’s almost hard to believe I was once that small. But I can never lose this weight, so I’ve got to do some summer clothes shopping. I have a few pairs of shorts I can still squeeze into, but I’ll have to get bigger sundresses and a bathing suit. It’s frustrating, but I have to just live with it and not try to fight it, cuz if I try to fight it, I’ll only exhaust and disappoint myself. So, no more new ways to lose weight that I “think” will finally get this weight off me. It’s just not coming off. Period.

Box #1 came today from my parents and this one was all cosmetics. This woman has more cosmetics than a store would. There was lotion, lipstick, eyeshadow, perfume, and hair conditioner.

Evie also sent me a card with pictures of Parker.

Tom picked out an old picture of his parents and printed it out to iron onto a shirt.

Tomorrow’s the day that he, Mary, Dave and Mikey will be moving his mom out and then the house becomes our responsibility till the day she dies, I’d assume. I’m glad Mary’s the executor of the will, though. And surprised, too.

Later...

Yesterday there were a series of anonymous calls with no messages. A little while ago there was one that was only two seconds long. It may have been a young male voice, but I couldn’t make out any words. Then I realized I didn’t block anonymous calls correctly, but I just did, though. Unless it’s Andy playing games, or unless it’s Paula which I doubt, it is the freeloaders. Paula wouldn’t call this much and she wouldn’t leave such a strange message, either. And I doubt Andy would play games with me, but you never know. My senses tell me it’s the freeloaders, but why not speak up? Why the lack of messages or inaudible two-second messages? The only time I heard voices was when that Spanish girl called with some guy in the background, and when the freeloader lady called to preach racial harmony.

Then a half-hour after the call, I heard a voice that sounded a lot like what I thought I may have heard on the phone. I don’t know. Maybe they just had company and the sick fucks got together to call me. It sounds like maybe the sick bitch over there is having people call and send pizzas to see if I still live here so she can try to have me served again.

Now for a pleasant call I got. Sweet Melanie herself gave me a call to see how I was doing. I told her that there’s been some problems and a lot of discomfort. The wire that was attached to the impacted tooth let go and Tom had to get metal cutters and snip it away. It was just hanging on the main wire. Guess there’s just not enough tooth there.

Tom was surprised that she herself called and not an aide or secretary of some kind. That was really nice of her and kind of ironic, too, seeing how I prayed to God for her to like me, too. I mean, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence and that she calls all her patients and that I’m not special to her at all, but anyway, I prayed for mutuality. What I mean by that is that I told God it can be our secret and that while she can be just as happy with her husband as I am with mine, it’d be nice if she liked me too and thought of me a lot, too. I don’t want to touch, all I want is some mutuality. I asked God for a sign if he does decide to grant my wish, but I just don’t know if this can really be considered a sign just cuz she herself called. I did call yesterday bitching about these things after all, so who knows? Just to know she thinks of me, be it sexually or not, would be totally flattering. I’d be honored to know I dominated her thoughts for a while. Like I said, I hope she’s as happy with hers as I am with mine, and I wouldn’t touch her even if she came out and told me that even though she’s married, she likes to fool around on the side. Not that she would ever do this, but this is just an example. I just would simply like to know that I’m thought of too, and that she thinks I’m attractive too, and that she fantasizes about chatting, cuddling, and maybe even some physical fun, too. If she’d lay there at night and think of me beside her, I’d be honored. If she’d wish I was there to chat with her, I’d be flattered.

Later...

Well, it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting any pizzas tonight. Maybe after we get pizza #4, I should leave a note out there saying, “We didn’t order any pizzas, but next door did.”

Sunday, March 15, 1998

 

It’s midnight and I’m still wide awake. Fuck! How am I gonna see Melanie? I not only want to see her so I can look at the gorgeous face again, but I also want to discuss what’d be best to do about the braces, etc. I am getting more used to them, so that’s good.

I think I’ll go pop a couple of Benadryl and hope to hell it’ll knock me out (but not for 12 hours) before sunup. I’ll pray to God for help falling asleep too, as that’s an area I do have faith in him. He usually comes through on granting the sleep wishes these days.

I’d like to stay and write, but like I said, I better get a move on doing whatever I can to knock myself on my ass.

Later...

Fortunately, I managed to get up at 10 AM, so if I don’t go to bed till 2-4 AM, then get up at 12:30 PM, I’ll still be well-rested for my 2:30 date with Mel.

Just 4-5 more hours and I’ll feel safe from any possible outbursts from next door. Yes, sundown on Sunday is my favorite time of the week. They hate this weather, and as usual, the cooler temperatures and the rain/clouds kept them quiet. In fact, yesterday when it was raining, he may not have gone out anywhere at all. It shocked the hell out of me, but that car didn’t move. He did have to come out, though, just to slam his car door once. He’s so obsessed with me knowing he’s there. He left after noon and before he did, he slammed the doors a good 8-10 times. I can just picture it, too, one or both of them opening and slamming, opening and slamming the doors over and over again for my sake. If it ain’t music, it’s doors, but I’ll take doors over the music.

Later...

If it weren’t for Tom, this fucking bird would be out with the cats right now! Sometimes its chirping and squawking are just fine, but when I’m trying to have a conversation on the phone and when I’m in bed with Tom, I don’t need to hear it.

And here we go with the sexual shit again. I’m sick and tired of him doing what he said he didn’t want me to do to him. This is the third time he stopped in the middle of sex cuz he thought something put me out of the mood. I’m tired of him assuming how I feel and deciding what to do for me when I have a voice of my own. He uses me as an excuse to quit during sex cuz he’s not into it and cuz he just loves to tease and play games. I stopped giving a damn and bitching about if we have part-time sex or not. I stopped giving a damn and bitching about his infrequent cumming. I wanted him to do as he pleases and to be happy and not do anything that’d make him uncomfortable. So I told him he better quit controlling things in bed and making sex a chore for me, or else I won’t want to have sex for a while. At least I’ve got a good week or so of a break from sex anyway, cuz it’s usually just on the weekends that we screw. I’m sure he’s relieving himself right now, too. Just like last time, he went to bed or to take a nap afterward and was in much too good of a mood after he quit the sex on us for someone who was still supposedly in the mood and in need of relief.

Yesterday Ma was moved, but there are still a lot of things in the house. That’s cuz they can only fit so much into Mary and Dave’s jam-packed house. I feel bad for her having to be yanked out of the house she was in for 20 years by her kids cuz she’s too old to live alone.

Evie said in her email to me that she plans on visiting Ma to cheer her up when she’s over there alone. She also offered to come and get me on one of these visits and to do lunch with me. Why didn’t I have people like her in my life before I met Tom?

The house across the street from Mary burned down. Guess they were God’s favorite kinds of parents with a bunch of little kids. Mary said she heard one of the 3-year-olds say, “I lit the couch on fire.” 

Then a 5-year-old say, “Yup, I dared him to do it.” 

Then one of these kids said something about Dad being really pissed when he got home, but then he was reminded by another kid that he was in jail. God’s quite a hit with choosing parents, isn’t he? And you know these kids will end up just as fucked as the parents and that they too will end up in jail.

I talked with Sandy earlier. Larry and Jen were at a band concert at the high school, but meanwhile, I got to laugh my ass off at Sandy. She said it was about 44º (30s & 40s are common at this time of year there) and that there was even some snow on the ground to go with it! I called 3-way and let her hear how lovely our weather’s gonna be, minus one little storm from CA.

Later...

I certainly can’t count on this and I won’t get my hopes up, but it “sounds” like Mr. Fuck might be taking off for a while. There’s been no music, but I thought I heard those packing sounds.

Later...

It’s over! The weekend’s over and it’s now my favorite time - Sunday evening.

I’m also psyched to say that I’ve gone all day without wax and am used to these things now. I just now put a little wax on the inside brackets, but just when I thought I’d never get used to these things, I got used to them.

Later...

Unless I’ve got stuff to do, I try to take the time to guard the kittens while they eat, so that they alone can eat and not their mean old mom as well. I chased the bitch around the side of the house just now, where there’s one of the long metal pieces that go to the security door we’ll probably never fully install. I thought about clanking and banging it for a sec when I saw that their living room windows were brightly lit, and at first I thought to myself, Nah, they didn’t do anything today that was noisy and that pissed me off. Then I thought, hey, wait a minute! What about the times when they did shit to me when I wasn’t noisy and didn’t give them a reason to bother me? So I picked the thing up and just threw it down, then booked it back in here cuz it’s at hours that they’re up. Sure enough, right after I threw the thing, I saw their security light come on but didn’t hear anything. I know they had to have heard this, too, cuz you’re talking about throwing it just a few feet away right outside their fucking window. Don’t get me wrong, cuz that security light goes on and off at all hours of the night and day. Any of these damn cats could trip it on, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone did come out to look around. Normally they may say - fuck it. But they have reason to be paranoid while we’re neighbors and they know it. So now it’s mutual. Now we both get to live in stress. While I wonder if they’re gonna piss me off with noise, they have to wonder if I’ll do anything to their place.

I called Andy for my weekly chat which I usually call for late Sunday or sometime on Monday. He was at work, but I know how faithful he is when it comes to the phone and I know I can count on him to leave me a message when he gets in.

I told him that since he likes to tell people they’re gonna be in pain, he ended up right on the second day of the braces and filled him in on all that.

I also told him it was ironic that he recently had a dream where he was at my parents’ place and they were gathering up stuff to send to me in boxes, seeing that she’s now sending boxes of stuff she’s not taking to the new place. Tammy’s not getting any boxes, but they just had a fight, so maybe Ma’s too pissed off at her still.

Lastly, I told Andy about Melanie and how Tom knows that I think she’s pretty and that I can tell him these things without him worrying, and he trusts me, etc.

Ma usually emails me between 11 PM-1 AM her time, so I’ll check for a message soon.

Monday, March 16, 1998

 

I just talked to Andy who I thought would never let me off that fucking phone. Still, I enjoy our weekly chats.

I forgot to mention earlier that I tried calling Tammy at her house. When there was no answer, I dialed Mark’s work number and got his machine. Yes, he sure does sound Italian. Bill’s sister Etta, who’s as sweet as Bill is a bastard, is supportive of Tammy and agrees that Bill’s a very angry person (cuz of their fucked up mother) and that he should get help.

Later...

To get the little stuff out of the way first - Tom did just what I knew he’d do. He swore 3 weeks ago that he’d pick doctors out for us and make an appointment to be seen. Has he? Of course not! I’m glad he’s not any more serious than I am about having a child, but I don’t like the lying. I’m sick of him telling me he’ll do something he doesn’t do, whether it means a lot to me or not. Now I’m perfectly happy at this point, to just think and wonder about a child. I don’t want to have one cuz it would never be worth the hassle whether I could handle it or not. I know that if I had had a kid once that initial curiosity and excitement wore off, I’d be trapped and miserable and wishing for these days right back. But I still don’t like being lied to.

This neighborhood is getting more and more of those fucking stereos basing by! There are even so many on the weekdays lately, but then I realized why. If God’s gonna spare me from next door’s music (and he is still there and is coming in for lunch again), he’s gonna have more cars drive by with bass. He’s not gonna let me off the hook as far as the bass goes while I’m still here. He’ll let me off the hook as far as doing my womanly duties of procreating, but that’s about it. Well, at least they’re out on the street and not 3 feet away just outside the bedroom window with a block wall to funnel and amplify it.

Later...

Jesus Christ! I cannot believe all these fucking stereos! But then again, I can believe it, as long as the freeloader isn’t joining in. I had to have heard stereos pass by at least 8 times today and this is scary. What if those steal my sleep? I never thought in my wildest dreams that in a house, with a loud fan and other sounds, people’s stereos could wake me up. This is Monday, yet there were more stereos that I heard today than there were throughout the whole damn weekend. They cruise by from morning to night.

I fell asleep at 4:30 last night and Tom got me up at 12:30. He said that the dentist’s office called saying that if I wanted the braces taken off, to come in earlier. But he told them I got used to the things and we’d keep the same time.

It was nice to see the beautiful Melanie again. This time she had her hair piled at the back of her head with a hair clip. The last two times I’d seen her, she had it in a ponytail. She sure is tall, dark, and gorgeous. I don’t think she’s Spanish at all, but she may have some Italian in her.

I was a bit self-conscious around her, as I always am with someone I’m attracted to. I don’t get to see her again for 3 weeks. I was in and out of there in minutes, cuz all she did was look in my mouth. She doesn’t know if she’ll re-anchor the impacted tooth when I see her the next time. I guess it’ll depend on how fast it moves.

I just can’t get “Melie,” as I refer to her in my fantasies, off my mind. Seeing her on an average of once a month just isn’t enough. Although a few days a week would probably drive me crazy. Know what I wish I could do? I wish she could somehow be told by someone right now that she turns me on. I’d love to know what her reaction would be (although I think that’s rather obvious) and if her reaction was a bad one, I could erase the knowledge of my being attracted to her out of her brain. Life is full of fantasies, huh?!

A part of me is tempted to ask her, “Do you have a home PC and an email account of some kind? Cuz I thought it’d be neat to have a pen pal that I didn’t see a lot, but that wasn’t a complete stranger, either, but I don’t know what’s allowed here and I don’t want to get you into trouble.”

Again, I’m sure her answer would be that she didn’t even have a home PC, whether she did or not, and whether she had an email address or not. Most people don’t mix business with pleasure, anyway.

If she did have a PC and email address and did agree to pen pal with me, what would Tom think? I don’t think I could hide that from him and besides, I wouldn’t want to. But would he get the wrong idea? I lust for Melanie. I don’t love her. Nor could I love her or anyone else like I love Tom. I also know how Tom can get paranoid, too.

Not that I even want a real friendship, so to speak, with Melanie, but I bet she’d be a good friend. Then again, maybe not. Most of the people I’ve met with good jobs and all that, kind of look down on people like me. I don’t know if someone like her could deal with someone as different as I am, even though she’s in a “people business” and helps people.

In a way I’m surprised that she’s not the one coming out and telling me she likes me, cuz isn’t it when you’re hitched permanently that some hot-looking thing comes onto you? On the other hand, dentists don’t do things like that. I’m sure she’d be afraid to lose her job.

I wonder if she “senses” my liking her? When I say “liking” her, I mean her looks. I felt self-conscious and like I was rambling too fast and I don’t know if I’m just being hard on myself for no reason, or if how I feel I was is true, but could she have a clue? Could she ever think of me, too, and like what she sees, too?

She said to call if I had any problems. She’s there on Fridays, even though they don’t see patients on Fridays.

Anyway, I’ve lost a few pounds, ironically. And when I say that, it’s due to another prayer I made to God. I promised him I’d stick these braces out if he’d let me lose weight. Coincidence? A tease? Nothing at all? I’m also waking up a few pounds lighter than I am when I go to bed so that’s good. You should wake up a few pounds lighter, but for a while, I wasn’t. Also, I’m back to not eating much and not eating when I first get up. It’s normal for me to not want to eat till after I’ve been up 1-2 hours, not wake up so hungry and eat right away.

Later...

In a half-hour, I’ll get Tom up.

Any time now, the wonderful scent of the orange blossoms will be out. Well, that’s more towards April, actually. Birds will be singing at night, too.

Meanwhile, just to record some more thoughts, I hate it when Tom tickles me after sex. And he only does this when he either doesn’t stay in there due to going soft, doesn’t cum, or stops in the middle of sex. It’s like he’s trying to butter me up. That’s probably what it really is too, but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care if he cums or not. In fact, I even prefer that he doesn’t. Why make a mess when he’s perfectly happy with not cumming in the first place? Maybe it’d still bother me that he didn’t cum much if I still wanted a kid and thought I was fertile, since a guy’s cum and getting pregnant, do go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. Nonetheless, I not only don’t care what he does (except for deciding how I feel, what I want, and when he controls sex). I am sick of sex with him altogether. The love stayed (thank God!), but the sex burned out on me. It just doesn’t excite me anymore. The lust flame began to die a few months ago. No, it’s not cuz I don’t want a child anymore. It’s just old. I’d rather just take care of myself or have Melanie go down on me. But I know Melanie will never be anything more than my orthodontist, and I also know that this is normal. I know most couples lose the desire for as much sex with time. I’m just glad I have someone that I love and that loves me. Things could be worse. We could not love each other and have all kinds of problems together, but this isn’t so. So, it’s just that the sex is old with him and that it’s not easy having sex with him. I’m never fully comfortable with him in bed, cuz I just don’t know if he’s gonna play games or what. I know how he is in bed in general and what he likes for the most part, but I can’t always predict when he’ll play his fucking games. I can just tell you that he’ll cum about every 1-4 weeks, probably won’t cum when I’m mid-cycle, and that we’ll have sex about once a week. I suppose that even though I no longer want a child, I’ll always also have a deep-rooted resentment towards him for lying/playing games when I did want a child and when it did mean so much to me.

Tuesday, March 17, 1998

 

The pressure’s off and I can relax now. See, this is when I’m really glad to be childless. Why did I ever think I wanted to sleep 4 hours a night and deal with all the trouble and hardships that kids bring? Guess I lose my mind at times.

After Tom, who got up 2½ hours left before he had to go to work and who could’ve made time for screwing but didn’t cuz he’s always had the low drive that I’ve now acquired too, I had great sex with Melanie, only she’ll never know it!

I’m glad God’s given me a break from wanting full-time sex and a kid, both of which could never have been anyway, but true to life’s ways, I’m now faced with a new problem. (besides the fact that I gained back the weight I lost. See? I tell God I’ll stick the braces out and stick to my commitments, but does he care? No!) I’d hardly call Melanie a problem, compared to the years I spent all depressed over the damn kid, but she’s driving me crazy in a sense!

I still wonder about something Andy said he’s experienced - thought vibes. He says he’s gotten calls from people when he’s thought about them and came to find out he was being thought of by the same people he was thinking of. Be it people in the city or back east.

Can Melie sense me? Can she sense my feelings for her? Are my thoughts of her rubbing off on her and is she thinking of me, too? I’d just love to chat with her and to know that she was impressed by me, but we can’t chat. And I can never know what she really thinks of me. She certainly doesn’t know me well enough to judge me, but wouldn’t it be cool if she were one of those Ann Marie types? One who looked as straight as an arrow, but liked women? Only difference would be that Melanie’s married and wouldn’t act on her attraction. It’d just be so cool to know she was constantly thinking of me too, and fantasizing about holding me, cuddling, etc.

I tried to look for any “signs” that she too, may like me, but if there was anything significant saying that she does and that she’s got a little crush on me too, I didn’t see it. She was as friendly as any professional should be.

Later...

Boxes #2, #3 & #4 came today. There was a plastic kiddy pool, the hummingbird plate I gave her when she was here, a pink blanket, a Chanukah banner, candles, and other decor, candleholders in the form of a Hebrew symbol of some kind, Christmas paper, a Halloween mat and a witch that sits in a rocker and rocks back and forth, suitcases, a shitty picture of me taken when I was around 14, a radar detector, a cell phone, cords, drop cloths, flags, car window screens, corn decorations, appointment books, an electric grill, sunglasses and eyeglass cases, picture frames, silverware, a cheese coupon that I guess is for the mice, and a couple of stick-it pads that say Dureen’s Nettles Island.

I wonder why she sent back the hummingbird plate I gave her.

It goes to prove just how good my memory is, cuz I remember a lot of the stuff she sent and some of it is stuff I haven’t seen in a good 20 years or so.

That picture of me sure is pitiful! I wasn’t really fat, but my face and teeth were hideous, as usual, minus the eyes. The outfit was sickening, and this is back when my hair was just wavy and not curly. It was also only between my collarbone and my tits (didn’t have any of those back then, though).

Some of the flags she sent I already have, and that and the Halloween stuff will go to Andy. That fall corn and wheat thing you hang is just so ugly and so New England. So Andy will love it and he can have it.

The silverware’s what I like best. In fact, I was gonna go to Wal-Mart to look into an additional set, but now I don’t have to. This set has got 5-8 of each piece and has mauve-colored handles.

Now I’m gonna go get Tom up, then listen to music. When I return to write some more, I’ll have some pretty shocking news.

Wednesday, March 18, 1998

 

According to the 5-cast, things are gonna go as they usually do. It’ll be somewhat cool, but it’ll warm up into the weekend, raising the chances of freeloader trouble. Yup, it’ll be warm and dry.

Speaking of el freeloader, Tom says that last night his car was parked deep in the carport, as far as it could go, which is unusual, suggesting that maybe he went out of town for a while. At first I thought that that was a sign of a dog and that they had a dog again rigged up to it, but there wasn’t. We’d both have heard it a long time ago if there were one over there. Someone’s there, though, cuz the living room lights were on. Maybe he did go somewhere, and if he did, I hope it’s for more than a week.

I’m waking up at 123 and going to bed at 125 lately. I don’t know if this is a good sign or not.

I still think of and lust for Melanie, but not as intensely as I did yesterday. Maybe that’s just cuz I saw her yesterday.

Now for the shocking news - Tom actually did call for a doctor’s appointment!! I really thought he’d just blow it off. He said he was confused, though, by how they operate and although he explained it all to me, I’m confused, too. They’re sending us some stuff we need to have in order to make the appointment that he says he didn’t know about. I’m very pleased that he kept his word, but there’s just one problem. I don’t want a child anymore. If I don’t bring it up, though, I doubt he will. I think it’ll just “go away” in the end. I won’t worry about it now.

Later...

The weather’s been a lot better lately. I haven’t had to run the heat much. About a week ago, the freeloader’s trees began sprouting their leaves. They have one tall tree in back and two up front.

Fortunately, I can also chew gum again, too. I guess my jaw was just too sore at first. It has to be Freedent gum so it won’t stick, but that’s fine.

Later...

So much for enjoying a pleasant late afternoon out in my own backyard. Got fucking dogs on my left and right going off.

Anyway, Tom said the car was gone when he came in today, but couldn’t tell if it was deep in the carport last night, cuz of the darkness. You can’t really see all the way in at night and the fuck has a dark gray car.

At 8:40 this morning, someone based by really, really loud, but I couldn’t tell who it was.

Maybe the fuck really is away somewhere cuz his car is not parked out front. His usual routine these days is to come in around 4:00 and park it up front. Then take off at 6-something, and return an hour later, and park in the carport for the night.

Tom said he found another all-black kitten in the yard, right where I walk a lot, that he says was more developed and lived a little longer. He also said he was pretty sure White Paws killed it cuz as soon as Tom removed it, he went to see if it was still there.

But how could this kitten have lived longer without me knowing it? And how could it have survived longer without Mama Cat, cuz she was hanging around the patio with the others just as much as she usually does? She’s always in the yard and I would’ve known if she was nursing a kitten. Tom said it was all black. Maybe it was the one I threw over the wall and maybe it didn’t die that night and somehow survived. Meanwhile, White Paws jumped over the wall and found it, killed it, then brought it back into the yard to play with. Who knows for sure?

Bunny sure is weird. I threw some bread out for the birds, yet Bunny ate it. Since when do rabbits eat bread?

He got most of the pool water out, but I still don’t think this pool’s gonna be ready by the time the weather’s good for swimming. It fucking figures, too. Always gotta be tied up taking care of other people’s this, other people’s that. But our stuff has to wait.

Later...

Today was a bad dog day as far as barking goes. The old man’s dog to our right and the two guard dogs just wouldn’t shut the fuck up! Thank God these dogs will be quiet anytime now for a good 12 hours, and I don’t have to listen to a dog next door pick up where these dogs leave off till fucking 1 AM.

There’s no freeloader pulled in next door as far as I know, cuz I didn’t hear anything. If he’s gone, could it have to do with the letter? Well, I’ll enjoy its absence, cuz it’s gonna be back in just a week.

Damn, I feel like God’s teasing me with this wanting to lose weight! Just when I drop a few pounds, I go right back to where I was, and back and forth.

Friday, March 20, 1998

 

Haven’t written due to being pretty busy.

The mice are pretty active as I write, chewing on their nibble sticks that they love so much.

Got an email from Evie and from my dad. Dad says Ma’s now a notary public and a justice of the peace, so she performed a wedding ceremony for the son of their friends. Yeah, and I’m sure she told them she hoped they’d have kids.

You know, it still really hurts to know that if I were still back east, and if I had been the one to have a child die, married or not, stable or not, none of these people would’ve been there for me. Maybe Tammy would’ve been a support, but Ronnie, Lori, and Lisa certainly wouldn’t have been there. And neither would Larry have been there if this had happened during the 8 years we didn’t speak.

Anyway, this new coffee plan has really made all the difference. Here I am just two days away, now one day away from my period, and I have close to zero PMS.

As for the freeloader, Tom said he saw his car there for lunch. So that’s why I haven’t seen his car up front in the early evenings. He’s now coming in for lunch again. He said he’s been quiet, though.

The fucking trailer people are a whole different ballgame. I mean, I haven’t heard that dog whose bark sounded more like a scream (I can’t believe it! Someone in Arizona actually cared about disturbing a neighbor with noise)!!! For a good 20 minutes or so, they just wouldn’t shut the fuck up with their fucking trailer doors. They were in and out and in out. What’s the matter with their fucking driveway? They shouldn’t be camping out on the street like they do, anyway. I think tonight I should slam them back and give them a wake-up call.

I’m still just under 125 pounds, but it’s hard. Not all the time, but sometimes I’m always so hungry.

Tom picked up 30 blank CD cases for me today. So I took all of Gloria’s CDs and most of Linda’s and redid the cases with the covers I made.

I also did some experimenting last night with both plastic and wire binding. I typed up old journals to be proofread and used those to bind up. It sure beats 3-ring binders

Now I’m gonna go read some of my library book, as well as do some proofreading and singing.

Later...

Did some reading and now I’m making popcorn.

I guess I ought to be hearing any time now from Bob. I asked him to tell me if he could receive manila envelopes. I think he can. Anyway, it’ll be a while, but he’ll have plenty to read when I put all this stuff together for him. Watch - with my luck he’ll die the day I send this shit. Hell, if I’ll put a return address on. I’m not stupid. I know that just cuz one guard may say it’s OK to receive such stuff, another may say it’s not OK. When I mail out this stuff, I don’t ever want it back again, so there’ll be no return address.

I sang for a short while and finished my last library book. Guess now’s as good a time as any to get going with that proofreading again.

Later...

About half an hour ago, I went out and clanked two pot covers together for a few minutes. Maybe the trailer people will feel that they just can’t get a good night’s sleep here anymore. Also, I’m out to fuck any neighbor I can till I’m out of here, whether they did shit to me or not, cuz if there’s anything I learned out here, it��s to disrespect and be rude and let your neighbors hear you. Well, they’ll be hearing me alright.

I also checked the TV guide for the first time in ages and was shocked to find a new movie I’d never seen before. It was good, too. Nothing with pregnancy, childbirth, and related stuff, although it wouldn’t bother me at this point. It just bores me. It’s too much and it’s not something I can relate to. Forgive me for sounding like my self-absorbed mother, but when Evie goes on and on about the kids, it gets old.

Later...

Been up for 3 hours and here goes stereo #4 to drive by. No freeloader shit, though, fortunately. But it’s the weekend, so that’s always subject to change.

No trailer people out there. Perhaps they’re having trouble sleeping here? Well, it’s still just after 9:00, so they could pull in at 10ish. We’ll see.

Tom got me a really nice coffeemaker today. It’s got a timer and everything. It’s pretty nice looking and pretty high tech, compared to the one I had on Oswego St. It’s got a flavor adjustment, too, for making the coffee mild or strong.

Saturday, March 21, 1998

 

That beautiful smell of the orange blossoms is just beginning to be noticeable now.

No trailer folks. Guess they either couldn’t sleep well here or aren’t here for some other reason.

Tom said that I slept through a silver Nissan blaring by really loud while he was out working on the pool. I said I wondered why it didn’t wake me up and he said maybe cuz it turned down the other way and not by the bedroom window.

I’m pretty much holding off doing any more exercising till and if I lose some serious weight here. It’s just useless right now cuz I’m too fat. Weight loss and toning up go hand and hand and the toning up will come naturally if God will just let me lose this weight. At 25 pounds overweight, though, exercising’s just not effective. Again though, I’ll probably stay at 125 for a long time.

Tom got the list of doctors in the mail today. I can supposedly see a GYN directly and not have to go through the BS of a physician’s assistant and have to have repeat PAPs. Again though, I’m very reluctant to go for a pap for two reasons. One, I just don’t think I need it. Two, it’ll lead to trouble. That is unless I tell them we’re using rubbers when they ask if I’m on birth control. But if I say no to that question, then they’re gonna want to know how I’m dodging pregnancy and all that, although my being DES-exposed ought to tell them how (but they wouldn’t know that also, Tom doesn’t like to cum much).

Tom asked me if I wanted a young or old doctor. I said it didn’t matter. The sex doesn’t even matter, either, as long as they do their job right. I asked Tom if he wanted young, old, male, female and he said, “In between.” In between young and old and in between male and female?

Well, the number one reason I’m not gonna pursue a fertility doctor is cuz a child just isn’t meant to be. There’s no getting around that. Also, I don’t really want one all that much these days. And lastly, my husband does not want to have to face and deal with fertility doctors and has told me he felt it’d ruin the marriage. Therefore, I’m not gonna do anything to risk us or to make him uncomfortable. I also know a child is of no importance to him, either, no matter what he says.

Later...

Why the fuck is the old man’s dog going off now? It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning!

The freeloaders have been quiet so far, like I said. 80% of the prison population is black, and more than half of the black population ends up doing time at some point, so it’s just my luck that this one isn’t in with his “brothers.” They refer to each other as brothers and sisters. Guess they had really busy parents!

Just made some more coffee, which has a flavor adjustment. I don’t know how it works, but you can have your coffee hearty and robust, or smooth and mild.

Later...

The pig’s really growing and chunking out. He has quite a pug nose. I’ve never seen such a pug-nosed GP.

I haven’t seen mama bitch for a while. Please, God, send her into a speeding car!

Sunday, March 22, 1998

 

Well, this weekend’s going fast due to my schedule. I was fortunate enough to sleep just fine till 9 PM. At just before 10 PM, I heard the freeloader slam doors, but if there was any serious trouble, I supposed Tom would’ve told me about it.

Like I’ve said a million times (thank God I’m like he is now with a low drive) something doesn’t want us to have that much sex. We couldn’t yesterday cuz I had an upset stomach and I don’t think we can today, either, cuz he’s bruised up. He fell while working on the pool. I feel bad cuz I wasn’t there to help him. What if he fell and did break something all the while I slept away and he couldn’t call me for help? Thank you, God, for sparing us from such a situation.

Speaking of bad feelings, he said he feels guilty cuz while his ma could keep things going and keep dad at home, he can’t keep things going for mom to be at home. But that’s not his fault, and I told him that. She’s just too old and ill. And she’s very lucky to have such a wonderful son.

Got a Bob letter with an article enclosed titled: Ear Seems Linked to Sexual Orientation.

I still can tell you personally that I’ve never been able to help it as far as anyone I’ve ever been attracted to goes, and I agree with the studies that indicate that it’s got to do with predisposing genes/hormones prior to birth. I don’t think anyone can help it if they’re gay, straight or bi. Anyway, this study’s saying that the measurements within the inner ear and cochlea may be linked, but what cracked me up was, what about those of us born with an inner ear fused shut?

Later...

Here we go again with the big production and build-up to a period. Why are my periods so wacky lately? I had a small, barely visible spot the day before I was due for it, but now, nothing. I know I’ll get it, though, but it’s like God’s teasing me. God, if you’re not gonna have things foul up so I need a hysterectomy, then just let me get normal periods!

Oh, when I said I was shocked to have found a movie I’d never seen before - I meant shocked to find one I hadn’t seen out of the ones I like. TV’s just too damn repetitious, though. They run the same movies year after year.

Is Alex mad at me? Did he read something in those journal excerpts I sent him that he didn’t like? For a while now, when I go to send him an email, I get a message saying that the user isn’t accepting emails from my account. But why? What could he have read that upset him so much? Nothing that I can think of. Well, if he wants to contact me, he will. Meanwhile, I don’t have a clue as to what’s up with him.

Tom got alfalfa for Bunny since he’s wild and he thought he’d like wild things, but Bunny wasn’t too thrilled with it. I’m not surprised. I knew the pig, but especially the mice, would like it more.

Andy was over earlier and he brought me some gorgeous clothes. They’re from Michelle’s friend Patty, who’s also a dancer. Amazingly, the bulk of the stuff fit, too.

He says I look like such a teenager with these braces, but thought the colors were pretty.

We got quite a kick out of what’s going on all over New England, and called the weather line to listen to it over the speakerphone so we could laugh together. They’ve got a winter storm advisory in effect and according to his brother, they had a high of 33º and it was in the teens at night. They started off with sleet and freezing rain, then it turned to snow.

Later...

Tom got up with an upset stomach. He’s also quite sore. I did say he’s always got a problem, huh? And why is it that something not only comes up to keep us from getting together, but it also comes up when I have company? Is there a connection here? It seems that when I have company, he can’t sleep or has a stomach problem.

Monday, March 23, 1998

 

I'm actually gonna watch another movie I found that looks good, that I haven't seen before. I basically only watch the commercial-free stuff, but I'll still seldom watch anything. Still no period. Really weird! Well, since I know I'm as sterile as a doorknob, something would be wrong if I don't get my period. Something that may be tied into why I'm so fat besides quitting smoking. It'd be nice if it were a matter of just a few pills I'd need to fix my weird periods and my weight, but that's too easy. So I hope to get my period cuz I don't need any problems. If you ask me, though, I'd say I'll definitely get it without a doubt. This is just one of those unusual times where it's gonna be late. Made major, major progress on the pool yesterday, which just might be done in time after all. We painted the pool and Tom later painted half the spa. We painted it a color called blue mist and it's really pretty. Nice and bright. It'll be nice to have a pool with a nice, clean, even, one-colored surface. Anyway, we still have to finish the spa and put on the second coat. It'll be a few days, though, before we fill it up. That'll take about a day and a half.

Tuesday, March 24, 1998

 

Still no period, but still sure I’ll get one and that if I don’t, it’s not cuz of a child holding it up. It’d mean something was wrong, but maybe it’s tied into why I’m so fat. We did get together during mid-cycle, but if I remember right and if I’ve got my facts straight, he didn’t cum.

There’s only one thing I can think of that may be the cause, but it’s unlikely. As I may have mentioned, there was a time I got mad and hit myself really hard in the area of the ovaries and uterus. I was just really frustrated. But I think this was a few months ago, too. Tom doesn’t think it’d do anything, but if I did beat my plumbing and knock it out of service - great. As long as it doesn’t make me fatter than I already am (can’t seem to budge from bouncing between 123-125 pounds).

I changed the bird and later on, it’s the critters’ turn. Wish they were as quick and easy, but they take about an hour. Sometimes more.

Tom took down the old, ugly, bent rods that were in the bedroom to hold the tie-dye curtains I did, and he put up shades. They work so well at darkening any gaps that let in light within the blockers.

Today we’ll be putting up the living room window shade. We began to yesterday, but it wouldn’t quite reach. Tom’s gonna put a block of wood in to extend it.

While he was at the front window, he saw an APS truck working next door. He wasn’t there for long, though, but Tom said that maybe that was why he wasn’t there last night when he left for work. However, I could’ve sworn I saw him leave at 10:30 yesterday morning with the music at a somewhat obnoxious level. Maybe it wasn’t him, but Tom has a point that I agree with. He’s not allowed to be there, as we originally felt, and if our letters were brought to her attention, she just said he just visits. But they’re not gonna go inside the house to check for his belongings and evidence of his existence. They should, though. These stupid city people should realize by now just how much fraud goes on in these welfare programs and with the people on SS and SSI. Hey, do you think I’d have let them know I’d occasionally get $200 from my folks and shit like that? He’s not like I was, though. He’s not a good person who wants to do better. He’s a rude selfish fuck and I begged God to do justice and to see that he’s out of here, if he truly doesn’t belong.

Of all the houses in Phoenix, leave it to me to be the one next to a subsidized house. As if something wants something from my past to remain close by. Or to remind me of where I came from. Well, I certainly will never forget the projects I was in or any other place.

We went to the library and to Wal-Mart yesterday where I got a cute magnet with a cactus, some hangers, a few puzzles, a bathing suit, and two pairs of shorts. The suit’s hot pink. One pair of shorts is bright green, the other’s deep purple.

At the library, I got 3 more true crime books.

On our way home, he stopped at Arby’s and I stopped at KFC.

Later...

The freeloader was there last night. He slammed the hell out of his car door to let me know it too, as he left for work this morning. He hasn’t come in for lunch, so he’ll come in around 4:00, leave again at 6:00, and return an hour later.

It hit 90º today and we have the cooler going now.

Still no period. Something’s really wrong here and I’ve got to find out what it is if I don’t get the next period which would be due April 18th. Did my hormones suddenly go out of whack? Is it a cyst or some other kind of bad growth? Well, time will tell, but I still think that eventually, I’ll get a period. If God wanted to me have a hysterectomy, why now and not earlier in life? In other words, I don’t think something can be that wrong, and I don’t have bad vibes, either. I sometimes get what I guess you could call phantom cramps. I get really faint little cramps for a second here and there, making me think that maybe it’s kicked in, but then I wipe off no blood.

Yesterday was hot and we had the cooler on. And yes, the heat brought the freeloaders out. There was no music that I know of, but I could hear him talking to someone. I also heard some kid too, that sounded too old to be the little freeloader, so who knows? Maybe it was the house next to them with all those daycare kids and the guard dogs.

This heat worries me. I mean, it really puts a lot of stress on me and makes it hard for me to enjoy the upcoming summer and all that, cuz I know they’ll be out and about to spoil it. The good of the heat, though, is that it’ll be less likely that kids will use the basketball hoop.

Wednesday, March 25, 1998

 

White Paws is sitting in here with me as I write. Jesus fucking goddamn Christ! He has another cold! Is there something wrong with this guy’s immune system or what? And how damn naïve of me to believe him when he said he’d get fewer colds if I quit smoking, on top of it improving our sex lives, on top of God maybe having a reason for me to have finally been able to quit smoking. And now this means I have to get sick, too. Yes, he’s had a lot of colds that I didn’t catch, but I caught the last one, so what’s to say I won’t catch this one? Well, I probably won’t, but the threat’s still there hanging over my head.

Tom believes I’ll have my period within the next few days. Oh, I know I will. I know there’s a period somewhere at the end of this late shit. I don’t know if God’s trying to tease me, to worry me, or what, but we both know I couldn’t handle a child and that having that period would be what’s best for me and what’d be right.

So I guess it’ll end up to be a total of 3 weeks before we finally screw again. Thank fucking God I have a low appetite and would rather just quickly take care of myself, otherwise I’d be itching for the Melanies of this world. The ones that were bi or gay, that is, that were willing to go down on another fem here and there. I’d have an easier time getting a girl, too, cuz of being married. That way they wouldn’t feel so threatened if they knew I was already tied down with someone. And also, I think that they’d like the 125 pounds better than the 100 pounds. I’d just have that young, innocent face, and the long hair against me.

Right now I’m just so frustrated. I just wish God would either give me my goddamn periods on time and have them be normal, or just have something go wrong like yesterday, and have me have a hysterectomy. I’m tired of playing these games. I get so much sicker of the thought of sex and a child, the more I’m jerked around with it.

I finished proofreading the 70s file.

Thursday, March 26, 1998

 

Still no period. Well, like I said, God will send one my way eventually. At this point, I kind of give up for now. It feels like I’ll never get one, but I still have PMS symptoms and I know I’ll get it sooner or later. Within the next few days, like Tom said. My face is full of zits, I have faint pre-cramps, and my tits are sore. That’s my fault, though. I expected to be on time as I almost always am, so towards the end there, I began drinking coffee with caffeine, figuring my period would flush out those sore tits in just a matter of days. My period should be over by now. Maybe I’m just gonna skip a period. Some women do that.

I woke up the lightest I’ve been since peaking at 128 pounds. I was 120½, but I know this is to be very short-lived. I’m sure that as soon as I took my vitamin, I went up to 123-124.

It’s raining like hell out there, so now we’ve got to pump the fucking pool again before we can put on the second coat of paint. And as usual, Tom’s cold will stall things from getting done, I’m sure.

He said he was wondering when a good time would be to go and mow his mom’s yard. Well, that’s great, but what about our yard? Ours is shitty looking with weeds galore. He said keeping up with the mowing of the two houses would be no problem since he’s gonna use their electric mower. We just have a manual mower.

Evie said that after she went over to Ma’s house and sat down and cried, she hopes the house won’t sell too fast. 

Oh, Evie, you’ll get your wish. Don’t you worry.

Evie also said her brother and his girlfriend were coming for a visit and she asked me if I had any good recipes to recommend. I told her I could really only recommend Jewish dishes and she OK’d that, so I sent her the recipe for Kugel.

Well, our trailer folks are on the street tonight. Guess they sleep heavier than I thought, but I went and rapped on the gate a bit with a stick. They’ll be my test to see just how well I really am being heard late at night after all.

I’m gonna have to deal with Blackie’s kittens too, cuz she’s in heat. So that’s about 30-40 kittens I’ll have to get rid of by the time we move. Mama Cat hasn’t been around much lately, fortunately, but she is alive and well.

Later...

There’s this white caddy that’s been blasting by around lunchtime. There’s still that blue or silver car, too. There have been so many car stereos blasting by, it’s pitiful. They get worse and worse and more frequent by the day. You can’t go one solid day now without hearing one. It may very well get to the point where I can’t sleep and will have to move my stereo into the bedroom and add that to the fan and sound machine to match their bass beats going by.

I used the electric grill my parents sent and loved it. I cooked a T-bone steak on it.

Tom and I agreed that I’d go to a doctor if I didn’t get the next period that’d be due April 18th. I would still bet these journals that I’ll have a period by then. I still can’t see God adding a child to my fate, but I wish that the reason I haven’t had a period could be due to that. I’m not gonna lie to myself or go to Fantasy Land, either. If it were possible for me to be pregnant, although it’s not, then I could be almost guaranteed to lose it within 2-3 months. So, maybe it’s best that what’s going on here isn’t due to a child, although it’d still be nice. But it’d only be nice if it could stay there for 9 months. Not be put there by God just so he could take it away. I don’t think that’d play very well on my emotions at all. Nonetheless, I tell myself, you will get a period. Cuz this is the truth and I must remember that. I can’t let old feelings/desires be stirred up.

Today’s weather suits Tom’s cold. It went from hot and dry to cool and damp practically overnight. I saw some really dark rain clouds out there. The darkest clouds I’d ever seen. And it was weird too, cuz if I looked one way it was dark and cloudy. If I turned to look the other way, it was still cloudy, but the sun was trying to poke through.

I called mom today and we chatted for a few. She says she really feels like she’s crowding Mary and Dave. She sounded awful. I feel really bad for her. She can’t talk well and her voice is still all raspy. She’s having trouble hearing, too, and is going for a test to see if it’s just old age, or what. Anyway, it was hard to hear her at one point, cuz the damn dog went off. Guess it saw something out the front window that got it stirred up.

Later...

Now here’s something promising. That big white car that’s come to visit next door with its music very loud just came and went quietly. This suggests maybe the second letter has helped ensure my peace from their shit, but who knows for sure? I just know that if he’s quiet, I’ll have to listen to a lot of stereos blast by. OK, though. If God insists I hear them either next door or on the street, then I’ll take the street since that’s not quite 3’ from the bedroom window.

Friday, March 27, 1998

 

Still no period. What is wrong? Well, Tom still insists nothing’s wrong. I hope he’s right!

Yesterday and today my stomach was a little off. I was slightly nauseous yesterday and today it’s like old times with the hunger. I woke up really hungry and had to eat right away. After having a big serving of tuna noodle casserole, I’m still hungry. I was right about my weight going back up, too. Instead of waking up at 123-124, I woke up at 125.

Tammy’s doing awful, as usual. Just when it looked like things would shape up for her so she could finally have some happiness. At first she said she wasn’t gonna say anything, to protect herself, and that she didn’t know who she could trust.

Again she asked me if I mentioned Mark to Mom and Dad. She said Larry mentioned to them that I mentioned Mark. Well, I did say that I was glad she got the negative influence out of her life and that I was happy for her due to her new “friend.” I didn’t mention Mark in detail, cuz I figured she already had. I knew she was so happy about him that I figured she’d be jumping to tell anyone she could about him. And also, it wasn’t my place to. If Larry interpreted in my letter to him that I was implying she was having a full-blown relationship and if I am indirectly to blame for some of the mess she’s in, I’m very sorry.

Meanwhile, if she’s got so many problems with the things Larry and our parents are saying, she shouldn’t be associating with them. It’s her life and body to do as she pleases and she shouldn’t have to answer to or defend herself to anyone. She should also stop worrying about what others think of her, her life, her body, etc. And I’m also pissed off that cuz of Larry and mom and dad, she doesn’t even know if she can trust me. I thought both Tammy and I learned years ago that we could confide in each other and trust each other, but now, I know she can trust me, but she doesn’t, thanks to people’s big mouths.

I don’t blame Larry for casually mentioning Mark to Mom and Dad, but I think what he told Lisa was just awful. And I believe Tammy, too, when she says what he said. Larry told Lisa that Tammy made a call to Sandy, saying she was a detective, who saw Larry with some woman at a hotel. Tammy denies doing this, and I certainly didn’t, so perhaps it was Michelle. After I kicked Michelle out, she went to Larry and Sandy’s till Sandy kicked her out, so maybe she did it out of spite. If Larry didn’t make this up to Lisa, and I would say he didn’t, then Michelle would be the most likely one to have done this.

Larry also told Lisa things about Texas that Tammy didn’t want her to know until she was completely an adult. Then she said Lisa was responsible too, for asking Larry questions.

Tammy’s pissed that Larry has the nerve to say that she goes from man to man when he’s been notorious for being a slut. And he’s admitted it, too.

Tammy also said that if this is what family’s all about, she doesn’t want any part in it. I don’t blame her for how she feels. It’s her life and she should be able to live it how she wants and people shouldn’t be judging others. Especially when it’s people that are guilty of enough shit themselves. And that’s really, really low of Larry to have told Lisa stuff that she shouldn’t be involved in or is too young to know and understand.

I’m not gonna get involved and let them know Tammy and I spoke, cuz that’d just cause more trouble, but from now on, I’ll really watch what I tell Larry or anyone.

Later...

Awesome! I’m not gonna get my hopes up here, but no wonder I haven’t heard door-slamming lately. Tom says that for just about all week, there hasn’t been a car next door. Maybe, just maybe, it’s cuz of the letter, and maybe that’s why that white car came in quietly. Something it doesn’t usually do.

On the other hand, he may very well spend weekends here in regard to me and cuz they’re not gonna check to see if he’s there on a weekend.

Later...

So much for telling myself that this could be a peaceful weekend and one with the least stress I’ve had in a long time. The freeloader just came in for lunch. The music was fairly soft, but once again, I shouldn’t have to know when he’s coming and going and I told them that, too. I don’t want to know that they exist. So, he’ll be around for the weekend for sure. I’m sure that his not being here over the last few days wasn’t related to the letter after all and that he’s back to stay.

Well, maybe the freeloaders won’t act up or party this weekend since they say another Pacific storm’s gonna sweep through. It’ll be damp, rainy, cloudy, and cool.

Later...

Thank you, thank you, God! That isn’t the freeloader’s car that’s parked out front there. At least I don’t think it is. It’s that big white caddy that usually comes banging in. I think it is, anyway. At least it didn’t come in so incredibly loud. I didn’t hear her get picked up this morning, so maybe she’s there today and whoever owns this car is visiting her.

Please, God, keep him away and keep them as quiet as they have been lately! Especially if there was a remote, miraculous chance I was pregnant. It’s one thing to be stressed out and anxious as you await your first kid, while you feel overwhelmed and have a million questions, but to have the added stress of a pack of rude, selfish freeloaders, is another thing.

I told Tom it was too bad this having no period couldn’t be due to a kid and he said he was sorry I felt that way. I don’t know if he meant he was sorry I wished it could be due to a kid, or if he meant he was sorry I felt it couldn’t be due to a kid, but he did say he wants a family whenever and wherever we are. That’s sweet of him, but I still think something else is going on here, and still believe I’ll get a period. Meanwhile, instead of dwelling on it, I’ll just wait and see what happens next.

Later...

Whoever this freeloader is, hasn’t left yet, but it came out to slam doors a few times. It’s soooo obvious that it’s in regard to me, too. And it’s still slamming away.

Later...

Good riddance! It left without music, and yes, the bitch was there. I could’ve sworn I heard her say, after a slam, “Ain’t that a (inaudible) Jodi?”

I couldn’t make out that fourth word. But I could be totally wrong, too. Anyway, I know the slamming was for me whether or not I was mentioned, and I know they weren’t packing something into the car. Cuz why would they put something in it, then shut the door, go get something else, reopen the door, then close it again. Usually, if you’re loading or unloading a car, you keep the doors/trunk open.

Tom’s head cold isn’t too bad, but he’s stopped up and is coughing a lot. He’s managing to get to work and fill in the little dents that got chipped into the plaster of the pool.

Later...

Well, I’m definitely gonna get my period tomorrow. Yeah, I knew God didn’t suddenly change his mind about my having a child and think I could handle it. I had light cramps and a spot earlier.

To update the freeloader scene - at 4 PM a car came in that I couldn’t see cuz it was parked up further and our hedges were in the way. Then I heard some older kids scream and run through the carport for a few minutes. At first I thought, oh God, that car’s gonna get moved, and on goes the 3-hour ball game. But the car came and went quietly. Then at 6:00 PM, Mr. Fuck himself came in. Again, there was no music. Then I heard those “packing” sounds, then at 7:00, he left.

Saturday, March 28, 1998

 

The freeloader did stay the night last night as I figured he would, cuz he slammed his way out at 10 AM for the first of his many weekend trips.

So far the cloudy and cool weather is in my favor and hopefully, there’ll be no outside activities.

Later...

Today was a shitty day, but it’s getting better. It has nothing to do with the freeloader, though. This weather will keep them indoors and quiet.

Tom still doesn’t feel well. He’s very congested. I just wish I knew why he gets so many colds. Is it just God adding another thing to keep us from spending much time together? Tom says he works in an enclosed environment so colds do circulate.

I’ve now stepped up to being in between spots and a very light flow. Tomorrow I’ll have a full flow for sure. Tom says it’s normal for a woman to have erratic periods. Well, this sure is bizarre for me. I’ve never been a week late.

Also, I have so many mixed emotions about this baby/sterility thing. With the infrequent sex and the DES, and a God who doesn’t give a shit, I’ll never have a kid. I have mixed emotions about everything revolving around it. I don’t feel the need or the want for sex more often than once a week, but it’d help if you were trying to get pregnant. Also, it’d help if he’d get off more, but he just won’t do that. So there’s the fact that we can’t have sex too often cuz of our schedules and busy lives, then there’s the fact that he rarely cums, then there’s the DES, God’s unwillingness to help. There’s no way I could ever have a child. A part of me still feels I shouldn’t have a child after seeing what Larry, Tammy, and others go through what they go through, and knowing how hectic and tiring it is. And how would I ever be able to handle it in the first place? And I feel like - if something up there’s so bent on punishing me and controlling my body, I ought to go right along with it and not do anything about my problem by seeing a doctor, and I ought to control my body, too, by not eating or something like that. I’m sick of having my life decided for me. I’m sick of having no say in personal matters. Or with most matters that concern me, actually. And people say life is what you make it? Well, I wanted to make my life as a mother, as well as a wife, and I can’t do that.

I try to tell myself to make myself feel better, and so as to feel less afraid of this controlling outer source that could do this to a woman, that it’s all for the better. That whatever’s up there is just looking out for me and not giving me something I couldn’t handle. I’m probably right when I say that God’s denied me a child due to his belief that I could never handle it, etc., but what about my right to choose? It should still be up to me. And what if I’m wrong? What if I wouldn’t be swapping one misery for another by having a child? What if I could handle it? What if I’m really missing out here by not seeking help?

Tom was encouraging me earlier, saying that instead of complaining about it, I should do something about it. Well, I am. I’m finally gonna put my foot down and risk God retaliating for my going against his plans for me. I know a child isn’t at the end here, and that a doctor can’t help me, but no more putting off going to a doctor and having that doctor tell me it’s hopeless. I’ll go through the hassle, I’ll take the time, the testing, etc. Instead of sitting on my ass and telling myself why I shouldn’t want/have a kid, and telling myself I can’t fight God and win, I’ll just go let a doctor tell me that. Let a doctor tell me there’s nothing they can do. That’s the only way I’m gonna know for sure if I really truly am right about my theories about God and the condition of my female parts.

God, or this evil, controlling, non-empathetic thing may not let me win in the end when it comes to my biggest dreams, whether they were past dreams, present ones, or future ones, but I’m not gonna let it win either. I will fight for a child until I either get that child or am told by an expert that I can’t have one.

Yesterday there was a letter that came from Colorado. It was from a girl to a guy, and naturally, this girl’s gonna get some pretty strange mail from this guy. A whole 6 pages of wacky stuff. I grabbed and copied a few pages from the Oswego St. file and mixed it up a bit.

Anyway, it’s off to listen to music, read some of my library book, and do some proofreading.

Sunday, March 29, 1998

 

Yup, something doesn’t want us screwing around, that’s for sure. I didn’t realize I was gonna sleep in so late today, but I did. So, instead of playing around, Tom’s now napping till he has to go to work.

He said we’ll get together tomorrow and there should be no excuse. Meaning, according to him, he sees a pattern. He says that every time we make a date, I sleep in and he ends up being too tired. Well, if there is a pattern, I’m not doing this intentionally. Tomorrow will be no problem, though.

I also told him that since we agree I should do something about getting what I want, rather than just bitching about it, we should make a date to get together from the 5th - 11th. The only thing is that there’s no way in hell we can screw every day or that he’ll cum more than one day in a row. If we could get together every day during those days and if he could squirt, I should be pregnant and I shouldn’t get a period, but since I know I will (at some point) then I’ll just mention this and how we’ve been trying for years to the doctor to no avail.

Evie has become such a pest. I got 4 messages from her yesterday. She’s really starting to smother me. She goes on and on about shit that either bores the hell out of me or that I can’t relate to. Again, forgive me for sounding like Dureen.

Andy got fired yet again. Jesus! He said 3 gay guys got him fired and that he swears he was just being friendly but they took it the wrong way and got him canned. He said if he sees them in the bar, he’ll tell them they got him fired and ask them, “Does it make you feel better? Do you sleep well at night?”

Yes, there are a lot of stupid people in this world and most people do take things all wrong, but isn’t it about time Andy looked in the mirror? Maybe, just maybe, it’s something about the way he presents himself.

Later...

No outside activities my ass! Just when I thought this cold, rainy, dreary day would keep things quiet around here, out comes trouble. Not with the freeloader, but with some white boys playing ball. They played for an hour but may be back to play more till sundown. Adults may not do stuff outside in yucky weather, but kids do. It’s better than music, though, and it can be drowned out.

These kids woke poor Tom up who’s usually able to sleep through anything. From now on, though, when he sleeps in the bedroom, he should use the fan, rather than the sound machine (I use both) cuz the fan will drown it out. People with houses this close, shouldn’t have basketball hoops!

As expected, I got a full flow today. Did one of his fishies get up there and start a baby, and was that a miscarriage? Or was there some other reason why my period was so screwy? And it’s weird too, cuz when I had that other weird experience in 1996, I felt I’d have another strange period in 1998. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did every couple of years. Guess the year 2000 will be the next wacky period.

Later...

My favorite time - sundown on Sunday. Meanwhile, God continued to see me harassed by other people’s kids. It’s like he’s said, “First I’ll tease you with thinking that maybe, just maybe, I’m finally gonna let you have your own, but nope, it’s other people’s kids I want you dealing with.” They played from around 4:00-5:00, then again at 6:30 for about 20 minutes. Tom thinks that these kids are associated with next door and not neighborhood kids wandering by to use the hoop. Yeah, that’s something she would do, too, is bring other people’s kids over to badger me. And I’m sure this will become an every weekend event. Before I know it, kids will be popping over every day after school, too, to play ball.

Is God trying to tell me he wants me to work with kids, as well as care for animals? Kids have been shoved in my face over the last several years so much, that there’s got to be a reason for it. Could he possibly be telling me to fight for and to pay for a child of my own? No. He knows I could never handle a child and he’ll block me from ever having a child under any circumstances, no matter what it takes.

Him and his fucking control, though, and making me pay for this and pay for that. Hell, I’ve got to pay for breathing! Now his latest kick is to make me sick when I try to diet by way of having shakes. First they bothered my lower stomach by making me gassy. Then I got those Lactaid things and just when I thought I’d be OK (he loves to tease me and make me at least think things will be OK and that I’ve found a way around an obstacle) now I can’t even have shakes with the Lactaid cuz I feel so nauseous if I do. The last time I came within inches of puking. So, he doesn’t want me losing weight, I can’t lose weight, I’m not going to lose weight, and that’s that. I have to be fat as long as I’m given the right to breathe.

Later...

Now it fucking rains. About two hours after the ballplayers split, it comes down. Why couldn’t it have rained earlier? It did rain earlier, but then it stopped. It feels like this is the coldest winter since I’ve been here and like it’s never gonna end.

Another weekend message from Andy. I tell him I’ll call him tomorrow and what’s he do? This guy is so damn lonely. He just has nothing but his phone. He tells me he talked to his folks who said they’d let him live with them for a while if he wanted, and that he wants to get together with Steve in Enfield Connecticut cuz he’s so lonely and needs love in his life. I know he won’t move. I sort of wish he would so he wouldn’t pester me as much, but he won’t. No way in hell will he give up this warmer climate and go back and deal with all the cold, snow, ice, rain and humidity over some dick. It’s really sad, though, to see him this desperate. And he’s even naïve and immature, too, about this Steve character. This is someone he once met in a bar and who he hasn’t seen in years. So what makes him think he’s gonna be there for him and that he’s gonna love him and be faithful and all that? And why won’t our merciless God give him a break? Can’t he just send him a good guy and get him off my case and make him happy? Although, he’d still live on the phone if he had a guy. He’d have to call to tell me every single detail of their sex together, and he’d probably get a guy who also loved to live on phones. Like I said, though, he won’t leave Phoenix.

Monday, March 30, 1998

 

Lisa called earlier. She got expelled for calling her teacher an anorexic bitch. She also denies she’s smoking. She said she tried it again and hated it, so she’s chewing gum like crazy. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth or not, but it’s her life.

She said she wants to please her mom, but can’t, so she has suicidal thoughts at times.

She said she and Jen were looking at a picture of me insisting I was pretty and skinny. Well, they’d both be very disappointed if they saw their aunt now, who’s a good 20 pounds heavier than she was in the picture she was talking about.

This will be her first and probably last time she can ever laugh at me and rub her weather into me, seeing that they’re now actually warmer than us. They’re having a record high in the 80s and here it’s barely 70º cuz of the storms.

Later...

I fucking knew it! I just fucking knew it! I was right with what my vibes told me, and I will have to listen to them play ball every day. Tom says they’re connected with them. Well, whether or not they’re associates of the freeloaders or not, I’m sure Miss Bitch had a talk with these little ballplayers and asked them to play daily on account of me. As soon as they heard about my city letter. They just gotta do something. They are so fucking obsessed with me. They are so desperate and want so desperately for me to hear them. Well, come 2 AM, they’re gonna hear me clanking pot covers together.

I can’t seem to budge from just under 125 pounds, but like I said, I know I never will regardless of what I do, so I’m back to eating whatever I want whenever I want.

Later...

After an hour and a half, the ball game finally ended. Damn, how I wish that lock fit that net! They’d just go do something else, though, or replace the net entirely. Fucking, fucking freeloaders, man! God, I hate them! And today’s one of those days I love, cuz I ask myself, “Why would you want to have something you can’t handle? (a kid) Why bring more noise and chaos into your life? Why lose yet even more time with Tom?”

Anyway, the freeloader was on his door-slamming spree, so the letter didn’t boot him out of here. At least the music’s been quiet until it becomes a problem again, and I know it will sooner or later. And yes, ball games and door slams are better than music and can be drowned out, but these naughty freeloaders still aren’t gonna get any sleep tonight. Oh, no Siree! At around 2 AM I’ll be giving them a wake-up call. They’re still gonna have to realize that making noise, means getting woken up if they’ve even got the brains to put two and two together. Tom’s right - they don’t mind noise, but I’m sure they’d mind getting woken up. If I only knew for sure that they were getting woken up, too! God, I hope so! Please let this wake them up. I mean, it’s just a few feet from their living room window, the bedroom’s right off of that, and the carport/block wall amplifies the sound, so how can they not? Could they sleep that soundly? I hope not. I sure as hell hope they do get woken up. Leave it to God, though, to protect them from me late at night. Only they can do shit to me, remember?

We got Tweety a new cuttlebone.

Another organization asking for money that claims they save animals when they really use the money to put animals to sleep, sent me some address labels, stickers, and 4 so-so animal cards. I’m using them for Mother’s and Father’s Day, my mom’s birthday, and Becky’s, too. Mom will be getting some Mother’s Day confetti – hee, hee! All the pretty colorful little bits of paper that were punched out when I was binding my proofreading papers, will be in her card, so when she pulls the card out, what a mess!

Even though it’s not in my cards to lose weight, I’m proud of myself for eating less and less. I’m not so hungry every second of the day as I was during the first few months of not smoking. I know my metabolism’s too slow to lose weight and that God surely won’t speed it up, but maybe in June when it’s really hot and I’m in the pool a lot, I’ll lose a few pounds. Perhaps I’ll get into the 110s, if not to 100. All I had to eat today was some popcorn and some soup. I had a few Cheetos, too, but that’s it. You could say a part of it is my rebelling against God, too. If he’s gonna be so into body control, I may as well join in.

It’s now at the point where you can hear stereos every day. Before long, they’ll be every 5 minutes. However, today there were only two that I knew of. Perhaps that’s in exchange for the long ball game? We’ll see when they come to play ball again for 1-2 hours tomorrow.

We screwed around earlier and that was the usual. I came, he didn’t. He said he always has a hard time after we don’t do it for a while. Well, does he want to? I mean, I know we can’t help our schedules and busyness, but if this is true and not just another excuse, maybe he ensures our not having sex that often to ensure not cumming as much. Me? I’m still content to do it once every week or two. I still have that goddamn irritation, too, but God will be God now, won’t he? What if we do undergo testing? I know you can’t fight God and win and no child is in our destiny, but how are they gonna test him? They can’t just take sperm from a guy, the guy has to give it. When I learned this I was like, oh great! If he won’t let his wife have his cum, he’s certainly not going to let a doctor have it. There’s no way in hell he can squirt on command in a cup. God’s really stacked all the odds against me that he could. Why couldn’t he just leave our sex lives alone? Couldn’t he just let that be normal? But no, he had to go add insult to injury as if defective plumbing and all the other shit I’ve been through isn’t enough. How much more different can he make me? How much more can he punish me?

From now on Tom’s not going to work till 1:30 AM. He’ll get in around noon - 1 PM. He has to stop at our other house on his way home. Fortunately, it’s on his way, though.

I’m a bit ticked at Mary. Just cuz she has to feel superior to someone, Tom has to be the one to do their work for them. I always thought Mary and Dave were an odd couple. Most couples tend to be alike since the same types attract. Dave, who’s incompetent and can’t do shit on cars or houses, was always someone I pictured a person like Mary to look down on and to feel that they’re not good enough for her. According to Tom, though, Mary likes that. She likes to feel superior.

Later...

That stupid fuck! That freeloader has been slamming doors on and off all fucking night. It slammed out at the unusual hour of about 9:00 and I had hoped that it was loading up its car cuz it was moving out little by little, but it just slammed back in. Do these freeloaders realize how obvious they are? I know that if they don’t do the music scene, they’ll slam doors and vice versa, but why are they so obsessed with me and desperately wanting to be heard by me?! Weird. Real fucking weird. Maybe the freeloader really is moving, although I don’t sense it. I told you when my feeling of them moving, or one of them moving, around the New Year faded, and I was right. I have excellent accuracy when it comes to vibing out some things, like the freeloader, our sex lives, the kid issue, etc. I tell you, no one’s this paranoid. I have to have my suspicions about Tom not wanting a kid for a reason. If his conscience isn’t saying he doesn’t want a kid, then his subconscious is. Anyway, when it comes to the freeloader, I’m never wrong. Almost never, anyhow. Aside from the constant ball games that’ll probably run into June, things will be pretty much the same till around May, then I’m sure they’ll be a problem again with music. They’ll probably be out and about yelling and partying, too, since they love it when it’s hot. They may get a dog too, around the month of June. I still have a “change” feeling for September, but we’ll have to get closer and closer to September to see if the vibe sticks or fades. If we’ve only got a year left here, then I hope they do just stay there as much as I hate their fucking guts, cuz then retaliation will be so much easier. If they went first, though, they could come back, do something to the house, then split. But if we go first, then I’ve got the advantage.

Tuesday, March 31, 1998

 

I’d have just been woken up for damn sure if I were asleep. There’s this white caddy that began going by about a week ago at around 12:30. It plays its music really, really fucking loud. Even louder than next door’s ever played theirs. Once again, how did these things ever come to be legal? I can’t believe they’d allow something like this what with how they’re strict on a driver being able to hear sirens. Then again, with all the lonely, desperate, selfish, rude, sick fucks out there, I can believe anything. But why the need to get just anyone’s attention? If I were that lonely and desperate, I could see seeking the attention of a good love or of a good friend, but thousands of strangers? Why would I want to be noticed and acknowledged by them? This isn’t just an I-like-my-music-loud thing, either. It’s a definite I-want-to-be-heard obsession.

Later...

Tom got in about an hour ago. Soon he’ll be conking out.

I was doing my puzzle that’s in the living room before that room became anything but peaceful when the little animals arrived to play ball.

When Tom came in he saw two black women arrive next door quietly in a dark green car and right now the city bums are getting their carpet cleaned for nothing. I wish the city would come in to clean our carpet and pick up the tab, too.

So maybe this explains his going out at a time he’s usually in for the night, and his returning so late. Perhaps he was moving his shit out so his presence wouldn’t be discovered.

I wish it could be that they’re installing new carpet cuz the city’s fixing to sell that house, but nope, they’re getting it cleaned, and I don’t have any vibes of them moving.

It’ll take them a couple of hours to do their thing, I guess, then the carpet cleaning van will be moved and out of there in time for today’s two-hour ball game.

I take that back. The van just left. That was awfully quick. Maybe one of them puked their guts out on one area of the carpet and they were just cleaning that.

Anyway, most kids are out of school now, so the ball game will begin any minute. The later the better, though, cuz then there aren’t as many hours till sundown. Don’t these kids have homework to do or dinner to eat after school?

Oh, I went out last night and gave them a good 60 seconds or so of pot cover clanking, but if they heard it, I don’t know.

Later...

Oh, my fucking God! I cannot believe how bad and out of control this stereo shit has gotten. That’s gotta be at least the 6th fucking stereo to go banging by today. I think we’re looking at having to get my stereo into the bedroom to add its bass beats to the ones outside, on top of the fan and sound machine. Tom said they haven’t woken me up yet. But they will. At this rate, they surely will, so why wait for it to happen? And my stereo’s gonna have to be cranked up pretty loud itself to match or override the sick fucks cruising by. And how many of these sick fucks would turn their music down when passing through if they were asked? None. Absolutely none. They’d laugh and say they didn’t give a fuck. They want it to bother people. Not just for people to hear it, but to be bothered by it, too.

I knew there’d come a time, too, that God would start compensating me for being able to sleep so much better since late ‘93 or so. And that he certainly wouldn’t compensate the peace with a child of my own. Nope. It’s gotta be other people’s kids, dogs, stereos, etc.

Later...

Blackie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it! I was out there guarding them from mama bitch while they ate, and was sipping on coffee. Once I got down to the last few swallows, I was all coffeed out, so I threw the rest right as Blackie ran into it. Oops. Well, at least it’ll be tasty for her when she goes to lick herself clean.

For the first time in ages, I changed things around as far as colors go on the computer. It’s so-so.

To my utter amazement, there was no ball game today.

Once again, is he in the process of moving out or what? He just slammed in, and he’s not done yet! He’s usually in for the night around now, but he’s going out again. So, I guess he’ll slam doors on and off till 11:00 just like last night, huh? And my vibe/theory was right - no ball game, but more stereos. Just like the freeloaders slam doors more often if they’re not gonna do the music thing.

Let me back up a bit here. As I think I said, it wasn’t in for the night when it usually is last night. It left again at 8:30 and didn’t return till 11:00.

Shortly after the carpet people left earlier, like close to 5:00, he pulled in and I could hear kids and adults. On and off, no one could’ve played ball if they wanted to, cuz the car was in the way. I put my ear to the door and heard a kid say hi to one of the adult male freeloaders and he said hi back. This kid was probably from where the guard dogs are. They’re always out and about. I don’t think I heard the bitch, and don’t know who the male freeloader was for sure. Could’ve been Mike and the teenage boy, but one of them sounded older. All I made out was, “they close” and “open tomorrow night” and a few other things I can’t remember. Something about meeting or being somewhere at 10:00, and that’s about it.

They talked for about 10 minutes, he then split, then returned a while ago. And he came out to slam doors, too, so I’m sort of hoping he is really packing shit (along with trying to irk me). As I was trying to make out their conversation, I picked up the feeling that something’s going on, but can’t say for sure. If he is fixing to go anywhere, I know it’ll just be for a week. That still doesn’t mean he won’t be around on weekends or gone for too long.

Well, as I’m hanging out reading and writing, I’ll fill you in on whatever else I hear.

Later...

The freeloader left just a few minutes ago unless he just came out to slam the door or pack something or both.

Meanwhile, these fucking cats just won’t leave me alone at night! They’re so distracting. I swear, I’ll starve these things for a few days if they don’t get off my case! The only problem with that, though, is that if I starve them, they won’t let Bunny eat. They chase him off when I serve him food so he can’t eat.

I just made a small change within the mice’s multi-part home. I have them about 4’ from the computer. I made them a ramp that leads to up top of the monitor. So now they can come see me when I type. They’re sleeping in tonight, though. No one’s up yet.

Later...

I think the freeloader just came in, so I’ll have to listen to him slam shit around for a couple of hours.

[boobachu]

I raise a new perspective to you, while it is true that history repeats because nobody really lives long enough to see the patterns, it is also true that the internet didn't exist back then. Nothing was ever documented to the degree that things are now. I'm not saying that fascism isn't happening and isn't on the rise, it is, but it mostly is through our government. Through actual legislation. Most fascists and Nazis that are working class that I hear about are typically in the Midwest. Down here in the south, they do exist, but we kind of beat the shit out of them so they leave us the fuck alone typically. I'm getting off topic here, my point is, if it is true that history repeats because no one remembers what happened, then how come people who were hardcore extreme conservatives are realizing a lot of their wrongdoings in mass? There are tons and tons and tons of queers coming forth about family coming around. I've seen it myself, with my friends as well and their families.

So my perspective is, perhaps with the internet at our disposal, hope isn't lost. I know a while back I read an article about a historian who brought this up himself. He spoke about how things like this repeat, specially with fascism, but he said that before there was no such thing as the internet. And now there is, that he thinks it is enough to help connect people and spread information. Fact checking is also particularly popular.

The nazis have always been a minority, like most right leaning people believe that there's a hierarchy of worth that's genetic but they're not willing to like, start a fucking pogrom. That's what prisons are for, like "if you went to prison you deserved it obviously it's not racism that's just a fact of life" that sorta bullshit.

That and all I ever hear from rightheads that aren't full-tilt "1488 god emperor own the libs" nazi-nazi is that "oh you're exaggerating" "that's fake" "that won't happen"

Like it's funny, people will be like "we need to be making our own food cuz china's poisoning everything" and then they don't have a plan for what happens if the cops start hunting them down. I don't mean white-white people I mean Mexican people like I hear this from chicanos like dude what

The other elephant in the room is that the seed of doubt on reality was planted decades ago with the 24 hour news cycle and there's a ton of deepfake generative A.I. fertilizer plopped right on top so even if you have video proof of something, people can go "mmh fake news"

I've had tons of hopes that "maybe it won't get this bad" like... but it just keeps getting worse.

Tho honestly all that is a lot of fluff for the reality that like... citizens of the USA versus the militarized police: who wins?

Cuz I mean the republicans are behind this fascist push and the democrats aren't being a total wall of defiance so that means that anything meaningful would have to be done by the people which... usually that shit only happens when the powers that be let them.

Like the police letting the Jan 6th mob go after congress back in 2020. If the cops weren't on their side that shit wouldn't've happened. That happens anywhere with "the people's revolt" like dictator hasbeen has lost control and the court is replacing them using the people and then power vaccum yada yada worse dictator comes in.

Like that Eugene guy, what's his name Goodman. If Goodman didn't do what he did right then right there, America woulda been over like it's like we had a miraculous save throw and pissed it away!!!

Ugh I'm rambling, like I really fucking hope I'm wrong cuz me being right is me and everyone I know and love being slaughtered for being born wrong whether that means mental illness or brown skin.

Like I'd love to be 50 like "Man remember when we thought Elon Musk was going to usurp Trump to become mechahitler? Just overreacting like Y2K man REMEMBER Y2K?"

Like I really hope that happens, but I mean a black man was lynched in 2020 in his mother's back yard as a warning and a Palestinian protester was just disappeared right now so it's like, I just don't see a happy end to this.

[theoakandthemistletoe]

Cherry's Wife

Cherry first meets their wife when she is acting as a soldier in their regiment, several years in the future from current events. After a typical evening of downtime between offensives on the front line -- which those familiar with the Skullduggans and their followers are free to imagine -- they both wind up in Cherry's tent for the night. The soldier wakes up in the early hours of the morning and shifts as if to leave, only for Cherry to reach out, grumbling sleepily, and hold her closer. This proves not to be a one-off occurrence, and by the time the tour concludes Cherry assumes she will come home with them to meet the Skullduggans. She isn't about to argue. A feisty woman, proud of her military record, ready to give as good as she gets, and loyal to Scrantz and its unorthodox ruling family, she is confident she can handle a Skullduggan long-term.

In due course, she is brought to the main Skullduggan villa and introduced to the family, particularly the Marquis and Robin. She meets with universal approval. There is no moral grandstanding on her part, no suggestion that she expects Cherry to be anything other than they are, merely that she loves them and can keep pace with their riotous family. That family in turn finds her amiable and up for a bit of mischief when required, which is all they ask.

'They really like this one, Cuz.' 'They do?' 'I can tell. They ruffle their hair before they talk to her, see? They think it makes them look more attractive.'

Robin only starts to feel trepidation upon the announcement of their engagement. She is outwardly overjoyed for her twin but internally divided: although wholly in favour of leading independent lives and Cherry carrying on the Skullduggan line, it feels strange to her that she will officially no longer be the closest person in Cherry's life. The only hint she ever gives of this is the sadness in her voice when she comments to the Marquis, primarily in tones of disgust, now I'll have to hang around with YOU.

(This is accompanied by a pout and mild offence taken by the Marquis.)

At first she is able to cope with the relentless Skullduggan skulduggery, but it quickly begins to wear when Cherry continues... being a Skullduggan, all the time, without rest, even after the birth of their first child. Despite the fiery arguments, Cherry doesn't see any problems at this point -- they think it is a normal way for a marriage to be, because the few Skullduggan marriages they have known mostly consisted of people shouting at each other behind locked doors.

She gives them a second chance, and a third, asking them -- she thinks quite fairly -- not to get killed before their second child is born. When she finds Cherry cradling the child for the first time with a bloodied face and a black eye, having celebrated in the usual Skullduggan fashion of causing mass civil unrest, she decides enough is enough.

I asked you just to stay alive until our baby was born and you nearly got killed over the terminology used in a by-law concerning your sister's fucking weaponised wasps for FUCK'S SAKE CHERRY--

Cherry is heartbroken. Robin is furious and somehow equally miserable. The Marquis is rather bored of it all and points out that at least she had the decency not to murder Cherry by shooting them in the throat with a crossbow. The Marquis is not invited to further consolation sessions.

The children remain with House Skullduggan, where they are raised, as is normal in the family, by anybody who happens to be around. Both Cherry and their mother are killed in action before they are old enough to understand the situation, and they grow up considering Auntie Robin and Cuz as their parental figures.