#cuz thats how its been in the past
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dying cuz i wanna hang out w my friends so bad but they either sick or busy. the few moments my one friend thats busy and not sick has free time theyre too tired to socialize which is understandable but like i havent seen any of them for a month and a half 😭😭😭 dying over here i miss em so much. i got to the same SCHOOL as multiple of em and i still never see them
#goosetalks#vent#dirving me insane bro#esp cuz im depressed nd anxious and ik id feel signifigantly better if i hung out w em#cuz thats how its been in the past#but we dont have time!#bc were seniors and were exhausted and busy all the time#sighhhhh#nd i hope itll get better after we graduate but im honestly just scared itll get worse
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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ive been unhealthily fixated on kubosai for the past few weeks, i just have no idea how to put it into words. kuboyasu aren and saiki kusuo are in love btw
#they are.#been thinking a lot about t*rusai and k*bosai and all three of them together#(really long rant in these tags that shouldve been a rant post but im not changing it soz i got carried away LMAO->)#see the thing is that k*bosai is my absolute favorite ship ever. but i get genuinely pissed when people smack talk t*rusai#idk like i get why people wouldnt ship kbs and i really dont care. and i also get that a lot of people have differing opinions and-#wont ship trsai. i honestly cant wrap my head around why (other than people who just hate teruhashi and are misogynistic) but im okay with-#agreeing to disagree and i dont care yk??#but people so often make these long discussion posts just yapping and yapping and making up shit about how trsa 'wouldnt work'#and its always just... actual complete bullshit. like unreadable word vomit.#sorry. but its true.#thats why it gets me so mad#i cant think of a single reason why you would feel the need to do that#why cant you be normal and just. not like a ship. just dont like it. hate it even. but dont make up shit just to shit on it#its so dumb i have to force myself to just scroll past them every time i encounter one#usually on tiktok or tumblr#if i read them i wont be able to stop myself from making the most concerned and upset noises ever cuz what is actually wrong with you#theyre always the biggest dumbest stretches ever and they ignore their actual development and pretend it didnt happen#it just makes me wonder why people are so okay with making fun of that ship but get mad if anyone even dislikes theirs#and then they complain about people 'shitting on their opinion'#LIKE ?? NOBODY CARES THAT U HATE THE SHIP. I CERTAINLY DONT GAF.#but ur in the main tags advertising ur hatred for it and sounding stupid as shit for no reason? UR SHITTING ON PEOPLES SHIP ON PURPOSE#AND THEN GETTING MAD AT ANYONE WHO EVEN SAYS 'i disagree actually' IM LAUGHING SO HARD STOP IM KILLING MYSELF#the one time i ever talked in that much detail about why i disliked a ship was bevause somebody specifically asked me#and yk what ?? i have literally gotten death threats over it. im not allowed to hate that ship but everyone else can do whatever i guess#okay sorry. rant over.#is that controversial i cant tell. i dont really care and im not tagging anyway#meows post
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does any other demiromantic (or arosepc doesnt rlly matter) feel like. extremely awful when they experience romantic attraction or is that just me.
#spacie spoinks#bruh#like. while im experiencing it i wish so badly that i wasnt 😭#i feel disgusted. is this what romantic repulsion is???#cuz like ill be experiencing all the lovey dovey stuff yk#''ooohb i wanna kiss dem oooh what if we help hands'' romantic crap but its like. anxiety inducing#like it feels awful??? is this normally how it feels?? i dont like it.#it like. doesnt feel right or natural and im assuming its b/c i just like?? barely feel it ever?? and thats why???#strange as hell.#i recently felt romantic attraction 2 someone (it has been 2 or 3 years since i last felt it) and it came on really strong for like#a week and that was like the worst week of my life#i couldnt think abt anything else but them like it wasnt even like. fantasies or anything just like.#the concept of them. my brain would just be like ''hey remember this guy''#I LIKE COULDNT SLEEP#HOW DO YOU PPL ENJOY THIS????#me; clutching my head for ~a week: AUUUGH!! THE PERSON!!! THE PERSON!!!!!#im so serious this is how it feels w/springtrap. hes like a blight on my psyche#the feelings have faded mostly i think. i think im normal abt them again (thank god)#its so strange. i think a romantic relationship would be fun but then i start feeling the feelings and its. awful.#so horrid#also like. im considering that maybe the relationship i would like some day isnt romantic but a qpr#idk. ive never been in any kind of serious relationship (never wanted 2 and have never been approached for it)#sometjing 2 think abt i guess?#anybeans. i tire.#hope i never experience that again#ik that like in 2-3 years ill be like: ''man. idk what past spacie was talking abt. would be nice 2 feel romantic attraction again''#NO SPACIE IT WONT!!! REMEMBER!!!!!! REMEMBER WHAT YOU WENT THRU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Just had my first psychiatrist appointment in like two years! Not to brag, but I improved on mental illness so much that I was upgraded from Bipolar 2 to Bipolar 1! 😎
#when she asked me questions and said 'that seems more like bipolar 1 than 2' i immediately got so excited#to make this fucking joke on tumblr#when my mom asks how my appointment went im going to make it to her too and shes going to hate it#im trying to collect all of the diagnosises and meds#ive tried so many meds in the past im excited to add a new one to my repertoire#i dont even know what this one is for. i think its cuz my bipolar leans heavily towards the depression#and so far that depression has been untreatable. so i think thats what this is for#my caffeine intake was heavily judged whivh i did not appreciate. but its a judgement worthy amount of caffeine tbh#also i had onboarding for my new job at mcdonalds literally immediately after my psyh appointment#and it was strange. i did the normal things. paperwork etc#but at the end i asked if colored hair was okay and she said she encourages self expression#but then she whispered and said some people are furries and thsts okay but if i am i cant wear the claws or tail at work#just for food safety reasons. and she brought me out to a separate building thats their dry storage#and she said sometimes theres pine snakes in there so just be loud as you go in#and she said she doesnt mind if you smoke weed on the clock. just do it in your car or dry storage and use body spray to cover the smell#ive missed working fast food. im going to change my mind after like two shifts but its fine#anyway i hope you appreciated my mental health joke :) i made myself laugh hysterically with that one
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Thinkin bout my isat au now, I don't have much of an idea on it cuz tbf I barely changed anything other than well-- Odile is in pain now. Just thinking more bout scenarios that'd differ during the uhh... new loop+?????? How'd I even go about calling that new set of loops now?
Just that the most visible change would be on Odile who's now waaay more tired looking and a lil more slower than usual. So in a way her battle style becomes a lil bit like a glass cannon in that she hits HARD but takes time for her to get a hit in now. And as the loops go on, she becomes weaker on the defense department so she truly be a glass cannon. Odile also doesn't "level up" in this au too since she had already maxed her experience out, it's just that she's also slowly dying so to be fair-- Her exp is fine but her hp isn't and her lvl is being treated like a timer of her slowly approaching doom. So even if her levels lower, it won't really affect her experience and the spells she had already unlocked. To the Universe, she's still as experienced as a lvl 99 person, it's just that now she's becoming as fragile as someone lower leveled.
She retains her more powerful spells but using those spells would backfire on her and result in a recoil that ALSO hurts her, not as much as she damages the enemies, but a significant of her hp gets taken away still.
#aria rants#isat spoilers#isat au#edit: okay its all cleaned up now. everyone can look. this is why i should save to drafts first than posting immediately...#also am thinkin bout the moral dilemma with the friends now esp with mira as mira doesnt rlly Like knowing bout the previous miras#so when they eventually remember the previous loop. then i think she'd end up with a reaaaally confusing problem of#''i know what happened in the previous didnt happen now and i know you felt bad about it and i know i shouldnt be mad#about it either since im different than that mira but i also just cant help but feel hurt by it anyway but i KNOW I SHOULDNT--''#i think everyone would have a moment of confusion on How to take in the previous loop esp with the events that happened#during act 5. everyone is hurt. but they also shouldnt be hurt cuz that event technically Didnt happen in this timeline now#but they Remember it. they remember it happened. they remember how it felt. they remember how hurtful odile's words were#they remember but they shouldnt remember it. they understand odile but they also just cant help but be hurt by it anyway#and they Dont Know what to do with that now. they remember that loop and yet now theyre in a different loop#its in a past that never exists now but They Remember and they dont know what to do about it now#just yaknow-- the dilemma of remembering a past that doesnt exist and remembering the feelings of a past thats been overwritten#cuz frankly-- how Do you tackle that dilemma? you try to address it and it feels off. you try to understand it and it still hurts#and you cant dwell on it rn either cuz other than the life and death situation of the king freezing vaugarde in time. theres odile#whose life is slowly withering away like a flower in a vase with a water that has long dried up and its now at the mercy of wilting#of gems and pages au#ogap au
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I keep seeing posts of people saying that a term transphobes stole and are using incorrectly to be transphobes is a Horrible Transphobic Term and Anyone who uses it is transphobic and it's Not Real and Entirely Not True when it's literally an actual anthropological term that has studies about it and is actually very useful for Everyone to think about, cis and trans, and be critical of. I hate seeing people respond to dumb hate by entirely writing off everything even remotely connected to the twisted shit bigots use when the shit the bigots are stealing and twisting is still like... a thing?
#how are assigned genders a thing but 'i was raised as a girl and im trans' isnt ?#like thats what socialization is. i was raised as my assigned gender#its not something that i Am. im not Female Socialized. i was [past tense] raised as a girl#and so raised with certain biases that i cant even put into words cuz they are subtle. but still are something i am learning to be watchful#of and shit?#but guess what? i have spent more of my conscious life being socialized as a man since i came out at 14.#socialization is literally just the way others treat you based on perceived social categories like gender#and obviously not everyone was socialized the same ?? its not smth that applies to everyone at all ??#so if it doesnt apply to you then just... dont use it!#but it can be useful for some people sometimes#and its useful for cis people too!!#a cis woman can remind herself that she was raised encouraged to take up less space and so move to counteract that#like fuck idk. i see posts like 'im on the train and a family is across from me#and the little boys are playing and shit but the little girl is being told 'you cant sit like that because youre wearing a skirt'#so she isnt able to play as roudy as her brothers because shes wearing a skirt and certain 'manners' comes with that“#like. THATS socialization its just a bunch of little stuff like that#a cis man can remind himself that he is allowed to express emotions and be vulnerable even after being raised being told that#'boys dont cry' etc like. idk its a very subtle thing and its just messy and cultural and social#and not easy to describe or study#but there are studies of adult participants asked to play with toddlers#in a room of toys. and they encourage toddlers in dresses to play with dolls and toddlers in overalls to play with trucks#and were told afterwards that the toddlers names and clothing was 'switched'#so these adults who thought they were so open minded realized how biased they still were etc etc etc#its super super subtle shit#'i was bullied for being queer' does not mean you were never socialized ? like. that in itself is socialization#and socialization is a term useful for more than just gender and shit id say. like i was sorta raised in a certain culture#and thats the socialization im accustomed to. and so now as i reconnect to a different culture and enter these social spaces#im.learning a different way to present and go about things#idk idk idk i definitely do not agree with calling a random trans person socialized as their assigned gender or anything#i dont make assumptions about the way others have been raised but like. stop letting bigots poison actual real terms please.
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Where else am I gonna rant if not to a group of random strangers that barely know me, right? So ofc I'm gonna rant here cuz these people have no idea who tf I am.
....turns out I have no words to explain how I'm feeling right now so I offer this emoji instead: 😔
#so i went to this 18th birthday aka debut of my friend and tbh its the first debut ive ever been to and i was rly looking forward to it#plan was to enjoy with my friends and all and i was also planning to get some ideas for my own debut whoch is two weeks after hers#tbh my debut is the bday that ive been looking forward to for basically my whole life cuz the other important ages i did absolutely nothing#for my first bday i was literally in the hospital so nothing there. in my seventh bday i cant even remember what happened. we went swimming?#so the 18th is what i always dreamt of. ive already told my moms this a couple hundred times and ive already thought out how i want it to go#then at the party i observed everything and i realized a lot of things. firstly that shit is expensive. while we used to have the money#no we dont and thats all just in the past now. second thing which i find the most disturbing is the amount of people#the debutante invites the special people in their life and while yes i do have those i dont think they can even reach the proper number#and also i rly cant see myself in that position yknow? being the center of atteaction with people telling you nice stuff abt how they like u#so thats made me quite sad that the bday ive always wanted is never gonna be mine. my biggest TOTGA...#at this point i just wanna spend my whole 18th wallowing in self pity and sadness. while i know my friends love me i dont rly think they#love me to the point of throwing me a lil party of our own like we did earlier this year to ine of our friends. im the spare friend i guess#and plus when i got home my paretns arent even talking to me or looking my way if not scolding me or getting mad at me#well IM SORRY i also didnt want to get stuck in the fckin road for A WHOLE HOUR while waiting for a ride home#and IM SORRY that im just wearing jeans to a debut. this is my frist fucking time going to a debut so how tf would i know???#plus a lot of people were just wearing casual so wtf 😒#all in all im sad and i want to go die
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the loonaverse pages on the loona wiki are so fucking funny bcuz they're just a total mess and full of ppl just stating theories as if they're fact
#its also really funny when its a theory ive never even heard of. they'll just say some crazy shit like its a fact#and i'll just be like girl what are we TALKING about 😭😭#this does piss me off a little though cuz like why are we doing that. why are yall stating that yves killed vivi like thats fact IT IS NOT#this is honestly just motivating me more to work on what im making rn. i wasnt gonna say anything until i was ready to actually#share it but basically im making a neocities website that functions as a full in-depth guide to the loonaverse :) specifically directed#towards newcomers. ive been working on it a ton the past couple days and im rlly proud of it so far. slowly learning html in the process#but anyways yes seeing how dogshit the loonaverse part of the wiki is only fuels me more to create a better resource#serena.txt
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once again saved by elden ring 🙏
#didnt go to bed early in the end i got too absorbed in it. past midnight now lol whatever#ill get up when i feel like it tmr#altho i do have to go to ikea for work. ugh#but thats a tomorrow problem#having a checklist of videogame shit to get w some annoying ass platforming sections can distract me from anything#the platforming in elden ring is frankly quite terrible in places. its usually fine but when they make stuff hard to reach its HARD#but ive got half the talismans now. amd all dragon smithing stones n great gloveworts. even the ones i had to go back to heros graves for#also jesus fucking christ how many caves are in thjs game every time i look smth up on the wiki its in a cave i havent touched#mustve been to dozens by this point. one cave isnt that different from another its kind of excessive#theres a rune bear fight that made me laugh tho bc apparently its base health is higher than malenias??????#which is wild cuz its in an early-mid game area and malenia is a near-endgame boss#i guess they wanted to encourage players to play stealth instead of kill it or smth#ofc i killed it tho lmao#got all larval tears too. ill prolly do celestial dew after talismans n then hmm. maybe spirit ashes#*half the talismans i was missjng i mean. ive got way more than half of the total number#anyway so tired.my face hurts. gonna brush my teeth qnd then collapse i hope i dont get woken up by random noises again please#thank u for joining me on this latest episode of me grappling with what is probably a personality disorder by this point 🫡#goodnight guys#.diaries
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im back on my 'never shutting up about animatics i cant make' bullshit but like, orv and changgwi by ahn ye eun anyone
#i think this is like the third time im talking about this song on my blog but consider: its REALLY GOOD#ive seen many wildly different translations of this song (both english and chinese bc this song went a bit viral on cn internet a while bac#so yknow. not great. cuz i cant speak korean. but anyway#i call it the evil spirit tricks you into getting eaten by a tiger song but like idk i feel like some of the lines work rly well#got introduced to this song via absolutely incredible arknights chongyue animatic on bb so yknow#add this to the pile of 'potential animatic songs that also constantly make me think of other (better) animatics'#oh but thanks to that animatic for the idea of every time the lyrics go 'come lets dance' the visuals is just a fight scene LMAO#idk im just constantly coming up with new animatic ideas because the longer its been since i finished my last one the more i realise how#god AWFUL it is like idk if other people get this but i sometimes get youtube videos with like 200 views recommended to me for no reason#and a while back i was looking for like. an ado song or something and i got my own animatic as a sidebar recommendation???#like youtube what the fuck? anyway yeah my god its really not good#im not like. blaming my past self for it necessarily i planned that with the editing power of IMOVIE in mind thats why it looks Like That#but my god i want to make a new one so bad just to prove that i can make something better#like i got capcut now i can actually fucking edit.#asto speaks#orv
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I've awoken to the INSIDE of my laptop wet and the vents waterlogged. You'd think I'd be less angry considering it was my grandmother and it was an honest accident that happened while she was trying to be very considerate but hohohooo I am PISSED.
#the only functioning pc in my whole household yayyyy#ive dried out what i could and flipped it upside down on a towel and then held a blowdrier over it for like 20 minutes#the audio was fucked up when i turned it on earlier but that was BEFORE i realized how bad it was and went hard on the drying#ive just. been so overwhelmed and overstimulated the past couple of days.#and the whole reason my gma is here is cuz my mom is having health issues and you know thats expensive already#but now i am ALSO on my own medications and while its not particularly expensive it. adds. up.#hhhhhhh#pls computer dont be broken youve been so good to me ;-;#sea rambles#personal
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back home . this weekend was driving 12 hrs to redacted, getting ready in a rush in full langa voni (half sari) jewelry bangles etc in the hotel (probably took us 2 hrs bc hello), attending my cousins engagement party from 6-11, getting back changing repacking going to bed at 1am, waking up at 7 getting ready and driving 12 hrs back
#😷😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨#we couldve flown thats for sure but idk if it wouldve been any less hassle#the actual event itself didnt have as much drama as i thought it might#theres a lot of history w this uncle (father of my engaged cousin)#cant get into it now but i hate that man#funny thing is the ppl (my family) are saying hes regretting stuff hes done in the past as hes getting older#namely how he treated my mom and aunt (his sisters)#im not qualified to say whether its real or not bc i dont know him in any real way nor do i want to lmao#anywayy i was kinda surprised my cousin has as much sentiment for me as she does#i mean we are 8 days apart in age and spent a lot of time together as kids when my mom and i first moved to the us#cuz my uncle helped us out a lot (also exploited my mom a lot so)#but then he cut contact for 10 yrs so i didnt see my cousin again til i was in hs and we worked at the same place#i literally walked in one day and i was like is that ??#wild#and now again we havent seen each other since hs until yesterday like.#anyway its cute and im gonna get coffee/drinks w her when im in nyc#mostly cuz im curious to see who shes become as a person :)#i suppose i did get into it lol
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rrgghhhtfhehggghgh i hate my hands i hate my reaction time i hate it so bad i cant fucking play songs over 150 bpm cuz my brain cant fucking register it im gonna rip the strings off my guitar with my teeth
#its so hard to hold back from breaking these strings cuz thats a really embarrassing text message to send to my guitar teacher#whos been so gd patient with my angry ass for this past month while i struggle to play a singular song with two whole parts#salt creek? you cant play salt creek? fucking salt creek?? salt cr#its the strings being played over and over again. i cant move fast enough. i just cant no matter how many times i play it i always fuck it u#at least im better than i was. 2 weeks ago i couldnt get to fucking 120 bpm#like i get playing half time is hard but still. i think im just a fucking dumbass#personal i guess
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The more I look back in the past, the more I sound like a grandma ngl. Cuz yeah sure nowadays there are more advanced stuff, but times back then were a lil simpler.
Like, a certain magical moment of my childhood is coming out of school, seeing the many shops right outside that can get crowded during the afternoon. Each shop sells toys, candy, trinkets, and whatever thing a kid might like for something cheap that anyone can buy. It's like magical in a way cuz after such a stressful day at school, I get to pass by the shops, look at the stuff they're selling, and actually get to buy a thing or two without worrying about the price.
#aria rants#as someone thats taught bout the value of money ever since i was young cuz my mom is hella strict with money#i was really frugal and careful with the money i was given. so much so id end up returning that money to my mom after the school year#and that was in the past around like 2009 before inflation inflated too much#like sure its knockoff stuff. with some painted wrong and the ones painted right got some of their paint over the line#and its completely made of plastic#but the model itself looks good enough for a kid who only cares to have a toy of their favourite game#even if it isnt smth so high quality. and also the fact that i get to buy that with money given to me?#it made me feel so good and excited cuz in my mind it was a toy that i got with my own hands#same with when i got my first pet! it was two hamsters (boy and girl) + their wheel and i bought em using my birthday money#when converted to usd all it costed me was 9 dollars. and the lil knockoff toys? convert to usd it'll literally be less than a dollar#now tho? thats impossible#those shops right out my old school? last i walked along that route. half of the shops were gone and that was#around years before covid happened cuz there were new regulations added that made it hard to set up stalls like that#its been years since i last visited a pet store but with how everything's prices had gone up unreasonably high#i wouldnt be surprised if there isnt anything that you can get for 9 dollars there anymore
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hiii i wrote my thoughts on the new ptv album and put it on my neocities <3
#its getting easier and easier to add new pages and stuff#however can someone explain how external stylesheets work in neocities cuz i dont get it#so ive just been manually copy and pasting the css into each page doc#and i kno thats not right!!!!#anyway#mobile friendly btw
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