#cuz i know THATS coming
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Lisbon on the phone with 911: i need help to this adress there is an agent who needs immediate assistance
Jane: (casually holding everyone hostage with a shotgun) hi gang hows it going its nice to see you all
Like I think he is the calmest person in the room girl but I understand your fear
#can you tell im watching s6 right noe#*now#cuz i am#prepare for liveblogging my reaction to the mother fucker dyin#cuz i know THATS coming#i just dont know who it is yet#the mentalist#the mentalist spoilers#the mentalist season 6
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Been having Secretly Smart Steve thoughts except it's less that his intellect is a secret and more that nobody ever noticed lmao
The initial thought for this is based on my mom's stories about acting like a ditzy airhead in high school but then graduating with honors
Within five minutes of walking into high school Steve definitely clocked that being cool was more important than being smart right? So he didn't really let on that he was good at class stuff and just let people think he was a simple jock
And Steve graduating isn't a huge thing cuz it happens during UD stuff which means they all miss graduation ceremony and just get their degrees later, so it's not like anyone saw the honors tassels that steve was given to wear with his grad gown
And the first real hint is Lucas trying to make a basket and getting frustrated. And Steve is like "here I'll show you" and proceeds to make every throw he makes from anywhere on the court and when Lucas asks how the fuck he does that Steve shrugs and is like "well, i mean, its all angles man"
Later Mike and Will are working on an egg drop project (you know the ones) and getting worked up cuz the eggs keep cracking. Steve has been watching TV or something the whole time and outta nowhere is like "yall are missing shock absorption and proper wind resistance, duh"
Nancy is trying to decode some number based cipher for fun but it's becoming rapidly Not Fun and Steve looks over her shoulder for like two seconds and goes "group the numbers into twos, subtract 18 from each, and then it's the alphabet letter based on the number" and then just walks off
Dustin is taking an engineering class and is having trouble building a bridge cuz it keeps collapsing when he sends a hot wheels car over it. Steve tells him he needs more load-bearing beams and to distribute the weight evenly and Dustin is surprised when it works
And, of course, Eddie sees all of this so one day when Max or Erica ask for help with some geometry homework he takes the worksheet they give him and immediately passes it along to Steve, waves off their disbelief, and sits all smug while Steve explains concepts they'd been missing entirely
#steve harrington#stranger things#stranger things the party#subtle steddie#bc of course#anyway im sure theres more to come but i wanted to share these main thoughts#i do love when a character is smart in ways people didnt expect#like yessssss subvert those preconceived notions#and then the angst potential of course#of steve realizing before meeting eddie and robin that not even nancy really knew he was good at this stuff#and hes wondering if anyone will ever actually know him as more than a jock or king Steve#and then platonic stobin and he blurts it all out cuz truth serum#looking thats all nothing else nothing at all your honor he definitely wasnt staring at steves moles and freckles
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#‘stop drawing aventurine blushing over nothing’ (DROPS TO MY KNEES) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#★ my art#art#honkai star rail#hsr aventurine#aventio#hsr dr ratio#ratiorine#hsr golden ratio#2.2 comes out at 6 for me ive been tweaking all day sorry if im scaring everybodh#i love drawing over my drawings but it makes that last text completely illegible#Oops?#★ arin rambles#just a little tho.#‘how did he get injured’ doin somethin stupid.#He probably fell in the shower#its just a hc i have that like. hes clumsy#yeah he survived attempting to shoot himself 3 times. but you know what he cant survive? his untied shoelaces#‘his shoes dont even have shoelaces!’ See thats why#cuz he keep trippin
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Clay's design for this lil thing, including Viva cuz these two are practically inseparable.
Viva was the one who pulled him away from the cave in time and Clay helped her guide all the trolls to safety and kept her grounded
They both help each other in many ways and I love them so much. Idk if you can tell but i love Cliva
Bonus little comic about these little guys and their little thoughts:
#my art#not the only one au#n2 au#trolls#trolls 3#dreamworks trolls#cliva#trolls band together#trolls clay#trolls viva#idk if imma fully color clays side of the comic#his side of the cave in#its very short#since the whole thing that happened is a lot#but i wanted to show a bit#so thats coming soon#also Clay thinks a lot about whether or not John dory survived the cave in#cuz Clay was right under it and only got out because of Viva#but he doesnt know if JD was able to avoid it#so he worries about it a lot#also Viva and Clay are p close in age but she still calls him Mr. Clay#its a little nickname she gave him that caught on so everyone calls him that#he got the nickname after he got his CPA license#but yeah#viva and clay also like to stargaze together a lit#they tell stories to each other about what the other trolls are probably doing#as a way of comforting themselves#and each other#i love them so much augh
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soooo... whos read the most recent blog post?
#I CANT HELP HOW FAST I WORK#also totally made it look like a goosebumps cover cuz im a NERD#tales from the gas station#tales from the road#the jabs at the fukn tiktok paranormal stuff is so just ough#ALSO im not getting over the fact the characters are AWARE of creepcast and thus by proxy wendigoon and meatcanyon#jack coming out swinging with the internet meta stuff#thats very on brand and its still goofy#it fits ok we all know it fits#go read the blog post#tftgs jack#tftgs jerry#tftgs rosa#blog spoilers#jack townsend#jerry pascal#rosa vasquez#tftgs
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Merry (not) Christmas ya filthy animals
#yall know who you are#REMINDER#my birthday is next week!! feel free to give me things!!!#and yes i was changing when i took this so thats why my belt is undone#here come the tags yall you can look away now#gay#gay man#me#selfie#armpit#pit#male armpit#did i get all of them?#rb this and tag what you see! fun new game :)#if any of you tag this as twink ill show up at your house with a baseball bat#not actually tho cuz im tired ://#anyways#i hope yall are having a good day!! or night!! or whatever ur having!!#love yall :)#now love me back pls#gay shirtless#shirtless#gay men#gay armpit
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the fact that we never actually got to see kuboyasu interact with saiki in gym class is such a crime
hes like the most perceptive of the group so it wouldve been so fun to see how kusuo would hide his powers around him
i kinda wouldve loved to see them flesh out the "shadow leader" bit a little more instead of just forgetting about it lmao, yasu being sorta like hairo and thinking saiki has hidden power or something
#ik a lot of people have said that aren doesnt think that anymore#and maybe i need to reread ?? cuz im unsure but i dont thinkkk thats ever said or alluded to#so i want to see him either going crazy trying to observe saiki and figure out wtf is up#and/or him slowly losing interest because saiki is clearly just an wet cat boy with autism charm#that woudlve been sooooo funnyyyyy#side note kokomi is also very perceptive but very stupid when it comes to specifically saiki#because he defies everything she knows about men#aren is just as silly as the rest of the group but i dont think he has the same foggy perception of people so#yea idk#this just made me think of that cuz i think they would make a really good team#teruhashi and kuboyasu AND saiki ?? unstoppable#ok done yapping bai#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#kuboyasu aren#meows post
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Tim and Kon the type of boyfriends to respond to declarations of love by saying " cringe" like ratio.
For ex.
Tim being overcome with sappy feelings™ for his boyfriend looks up at Kon like " hey, I love you"
Kon looks at him and lifts an eye brow and says " cringe"
But he's also holding Tim's hand so.
This exchange also works the other way!
Ex.2
Kon being over come with a warm fuzzy emotion after seeing Tim round house kick a baddie to the ground is like. " Damn I love you!"
And Tim sweaty in his robin gear glares at him from behind his domino and says " Cringe"
They take turns being the emotional one and the chronically unable to show affection one. It's balance! It's Gen Z! It's two local rat dudes macking on each other!
#i like to think tim and Kon are separately the most annoying guys people know and when they come together its worse#theyre making fun of you for not being able to ollie when they unironically have tried to skate holding hands#they still try to dress like its the 90s and not in a cool way#tims wearing like a hollister polo shirt and khakis from the gotham good will this isnt cool.#worst part is you cant tell him shit about it cuz even in that fit hes got more game then u#conner hates that guy fr thats why hes engaged to him cuz hes a real hater#timkon#dc#batman#superman#superboy#conner kent#tim drake#red robin
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I’m knees deep in a creepypasta AU set in South California where I’m letting my non-creepypasta friends guide the characterizations based off of my loose descriptions of them. They want Toby to be Texan(cowboy hat and rides horses) and the Woods parents died in a car crash on the way to pick Liu up from juvie and Kate has been in foster care most of her life. Nobody ever killed anyone.
It started off as just a self insert creepypasta story without the other creeps but it got super muddied and I’m really super fond of it. Toby and Kate work on Bonnie’s orchard and are tired of her antics. Jeff frequents Valerie’s tattoo shop cuz clocky works there and lets Val experiment tattoo styles on him. Camila gets caught up with Liu trying to film a true crime documentary. Bonnie’s aunt gets cannibalized and Camila is getting violently cyberstalked. We call it washed up. Cuz it takes place by the beach. LMAO
#I just think it’s so fun cuz like#it’s like playing telephone with the characters#first the characters went through my interpretation (creeped) and now through my friends interpretations of my interpretations.#because they don’t know anything abt crp. LIKE COME ON THATS SO FUN#I dunno how much I’d be willing to share just cuz I’m a little embarrassed cuz i draw Bonnie hanging out with the creeps and#I’m so pro oc/canon interactions. and then I’m shy when I do it. wtf#chatterbox#but it’s fun it’s really fun I promise and swear to god.
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adhd is when you shoot for the moon but you forgot the rocket fuel and by the time you realize it everyones already on the moon and then you panic and crash into the sun and it explodes
#my meds stopped working and i didnt know thats something that can fucking happen apparently???#like i knew eventually my body can get used to medicine that the effect kind of dulls but for some reason this time around i thought#that my body just decided to become lazier since the meds were already working anyway. cuz thats the thing as soon as smth is made#easier for me even if its the thing thats supposed to make the disability less disabling i get too relaxed and end up fucking up anyway#so i assumed my fucking cells worked the same way LMAO. they still technically work like i can feel my energy spike when it kicks in#but everything else like focus and memory went down and i thought oh so its just a me problem then. my habits are getting worse#even though ive been doing everything the same like setting reminders checking my schedule. hell ive been setting MORE reminders#to make up for the memory thing and i didnt even realize i just knew i had to compensate since it feels like my memory is getting#worse again. and i only figured this out bc my brother showed me an icecreamsandwich video with him talking about the EXACT FUCKING#THING IM GOING THRU WORD FOR WORD#i have to bring this up with my doctor next week so maybe i have to take different meds. i wonder if this will be a recurring thing#i guess one thing that hasnt changed is that im still slow as hell and stuff only comes to me 5 hours after the fact#its 6 in the morning and i only JUST realized that the word froyo is probably short for frozen yogurt#yapping#adhd
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hey guys what if- *gets shot*
#sorry for dying and coming back only to post cringe 😔😔😔😔#it will happen again 😔😔😔😔#might even delete this later if it gets to me-#testing the waters….#BUT YEH ERM I LOBR#i was originally gonna do just the main 4 as them but thought thats no fun#plus i love my side sillies sm jow could i not make it them-#for those wondering : edd is lupin paul is jigen larry is goemon and laurel is fujiko#eddsworld#eddsworld edd#eddsworld paul#eddsworld larry#eddsworld laurel#ew edd#ew paul#ew larry#ew laurel#and i mean if anyone wants to see my regular art of the lupin cast lemme know cuz i will not post it unless forced to 😔😔😔#or just like more of this au cuz it kinda silly and i like it :>#doby art
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quick lil post about coming back to art full-time while also being a full time MSW student….it can be possible 0.0
anyway ty to everyone who has supported me over the years i wouldnt be able to go back to art without you all
#muertodraws#also becoming a lil more comfy calling myself autistic even tho every autistic person i have ever me is like yea ur us lol#back in therapy and i finished my first sem of grad school off strong#next sem will be crazy but o well#hoping to volunteer at a cat shelter next yr too#i need a cat in my life or else i will explode#i would get one now as an esa but i just dont have the money#so heres to hoping#anyway i know my asks are off and thats cuz i just needed to focus on school#maybe theyll come back on next year but for now if u need to reach me feel free to pm or email me#dm me on instagram too if u gotta reach me#trying to balance being on here and also wanting to be invisible and blend in with the masses and work my 9-5 and act like i dont have like#intimate knowledge about online discourse lmfao#anyway#see u all soon
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F1 BABIES?
#f1#formula 1#lando norris#i know fernando looks white but thats only cuz i made him last and the last baby was a white baby so please dont come after me#carlos sainz#lewis hamilton#fernando alonso#george russell#max verstappen#logan sargeant
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im seeing the pattern of being an atreus/angrboda fan (or u just like them) and having to go through this weird initiation process of: liking them in the game (wether its themselves, their relationship or both), then trying to find content of them only to be shocked to see a bunch of haters (on both sides but angrboda gets it the worst and thrud is often times oddly used against her), only to then get severely disappointed and realize u probably have to do a bit of contribution yourself which isnt bad but it sucks when its characters that are ridiculously hated 😭😭😭
#Putting the girls against each other for a dude is sooo tired and with them is completely unnecessary and makes no sense#“IRONWOOD IS TRAHS ITS 5 HOURS LONGGG AND SHES A PIECE OF SHIT BITCH CUNT” IVE SEEN PPL SAY THIS#Like what yall like but the problem is mfs get CRAZY when it comes to angie in particular i be like girl…?::?!::&/&!;!#then expect nobody to say smth like umm u good? Cuz the way u dtm over a vg character is concerning#Things have gotten a bit better but im just pointing out the pattern of becoming a A/A fan 😭😭#Im sure it is gonna lift by next game but it doesnt mean i cant get annoyed behind it still#This is def one the most mentally stagnated fandom ive seen and thats saying ALOT#We already know its cuz the dudebros want to be kratos so bad#you mfs will never be that man.#atreus#angrboda#god of war ragnarok#god of war#Gowr#Gow#God of war fandom#shitdom#Rant
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as a tragic doomed siblings enjoyer what are your headcannons about dirge/orin's relationship pre-betrayal? care to elaborate on what was going on with them based on what we know? when do u think the resentment from orin rly started peculating?
this is an EXCELLENT excuse to have somethin i can quickly refer to for autosarcophagy thank you 💜💜💜
so a LOT of it is speculation and headcanons with most of our canon sources being close to the end of their pre game interactions with each other. We know Orin resented Durge for taking what she felt was her spot, we know Durge demeaned her ritual murders and scoffed at the idea of fighting her for the role of Chosen, we know Sarevok essentially led Orin on by acting like she was ever anything more than a sacrifice, and we know that the cult of Bhaal isn't entirely pleased with the change in leadership. It's a fairly straightforward tale of resentment and betrayal and an unworthy upstart claiming what shouldn't be theirs out of jealousy, but I like to throw wrenches in the works and add fun complicating emotions in like genuine admiration and sibling affection
a core aspect to Dirge is that, much like real world wolves, he is deeply family oriented. upon arriving at the temple of Bhaal, he has killed his only family, and only has Sceleritas as company, who at this point is more cagey than comforting for him. hes lonely, and scared, and vulnerable, and is coming off a profoundly miserable experience roughing it in Baldur's Gate. the temple delivers on the one form of connection Dirge craves more than anything: not only is there family, there are siblings.
Dirge technically has four siblings waiting for him at the temple. Haflidi, who at this point would be either an older teenager or a young adult, an angry spiteful vindictive barbarian goliath. Ornaryn, a drow vengeance paladin, who IS invested in trying to make sure the Temple's newest additions aren't horrifically traumatized (and near immediately removed from influence and forced to travel to the other side of the continent). Zherimon, the eldest, a tiefling paladin serving as the current head of the cult (begrudgingly). And Orin. Not only is Orin close to his age, she's also the only one who's as happy to see him as he is to see her. His other siblings are all emotionally unavailable for one reason or another, but Orin is here and Orin is excited and now he finally doesn't have to be alone anymore. He latches onto her very quickly, and throughout his entire time with the cult, she's the only one he was ever close to.
Orin is canonically the youngest in the cult to ever achieve the rank of Unholy Assassin, which, given that shes close to Dirge's age, would mean she achieved that lofty goal BEFORE him, and I like to think this is another example of Orin's latent natural talents and skills that eventually contribute to her feeling ignored and overshadowed. Because for at least half of their lives together, it would've been the other way around. Dirge and his prodigy sister, who had already served as Bhaal's mouthpiece once before in the ritualistic killing of her mother. Ironically its a relationship they were both happy with. Dirge arrives at the temple emotionally distraught, but now Orin finally has a playmate her own age, AND hes going to join the temple, same as her! Finally someone she can practice murder with that isn't grandpa Sarevok!
Dirge is a crybaby as a kid, and hes quiet and deferential. This is a new place, with lots of new people (and he's never been fond of new people), and he still feels sick about his parents, but he hits it off with Orin immediately. Orin has a strong mischief streak, emboldened by her shapeshifting, and she ADORES having someone to teach and be superior to. Dirge in turn is happy to have someone who delights in teaching him, because a lot of whats going on is confusing and unintuitive and upsetting. Orin softens his early years of indoctrination into something that could even be construed as pleasant. She excels and pulls ahead, and she bullies her brother for being a crybaby, but she still reaches out behind her to help pull him back up. Orin very much takes on the role of "big sister" even though its a negligble distinction given their circumstances. She teaches him how to delight in torture, makes the doctrine of nihilism make sense, emphasizes that the two of them are special and chosen and important, that they dont have to care what other people think, because theyre stupid and wrong anyways. She diminishes the pain he feels from killing his parents by affirming what SHES been taught, that it was a good and holy and rightous thing and he deserved to be rewarded for it, just like she was (though maybe not the SAME reward because SHES going to lead the temple one day!). Sarevok and Zherimon have already decided on grooming Dirge for the role instead, knowing EXACTLY the difference between them, but both Dirge and Orin are children, whats more important is making sure Dirge is properly indoctrinated, and Orin is very useful for that.
Theyre thick as thieves for most of their childhoods, Dirge perfectly content to trail behind Orin wherever she goes, and to follow her progress right on her heels. Orin definitely has the most energy of the two, and she delights in playing leader, deciding exactly what games the two of them will be playing and where, while Dirge pads along behind her. She gets into the habit of shapeshifting into him for one of her favorite games, that being "find ways to bully and harass the other initiates in the barracks and avoid trouble by making sure no one can tell who's who". As Orins changeling nature is well known, you can never really tell if your looking at Dirge or looking at Orin, who will tell you whichever is more confusing at the moment. As changelings and dopplegangers have empathetic abilities, this also means that Orin is extremely keyed in to Dirge's emotional state. She typically uses this to lightly bully him, but also typically follows that up with attempts at genuine comfort, because a good leader has subordinates happy to follow them, and makes sure theyre taken care of well enough to serve. Theyre siblings, and theyre best friends, and theyre little hellions, and Orin knows every crack and crevice in the temple and where exactly there are spots too small for the grownups to follow them that the two of them can still crawl through. The cult is slowly but inevitably carving away their empathy for the world outside, bringing them into a miserable ideology of death dealing and slaughter, and isolating them from anyone who could ever break them free, but right now they are small and close and she is showing Dirge exactly where to stab in a rats belly to make all the guts come out, and when he scrunches his tiny face in disgust she'll call him all sorts of names, but take his tiny hand in her own and hold the knife together nonetheless
Dirge doesnt resent Orin when she makes rank before him. He doesnt resent Orin when she excels, when she grasps the knifework faster, memorizes the doctrine quicker. He doesnt resent her when she gets assignments first, or when they work together and she takes the lead. Thats the goal hes chasing, after all. To be as good as his sister. To eventually pull ahead. To play chase like they always do. But when he DOES pull ahead, when the lead he has grows but never shrinks, its equal parts pride and confusion. Proud to finally surpass her, confusion that he KEEPS surpassing her. Shes slower to catch up, angrier about it. It isnt resentment, not yet, just frustration. Theres something hes stumbled into that she hasnt gotten yet. More reasons to train together, after all, put their heads together and work it out. But when the cult finally passes down the mantle of leadership, it doesnt pass into Orin's hands, youngest Assassin, pre chosen vessel of Bhaal. For reasons neither of them understand, it goes to Dirge instead. Purest bhaalspawn, severed hand of their God let loose, the one true prophet of armageddon. It doesnt make sense, but hes trained so hard and come so far, he wont dissapoint their Father now. its a bitter pill orin doesnt swallow easily. its there the resentment starts
The gap wont ever close now, not really. Dirge is too neurotic, too anxious and obsessed. He leaves no breathing room for anyone to pick up the slack, because he leaves none, will not ever give the slightest hints of being unworthy. Its suffocating. Diminished, demeaned, forgotten, Orin falls to the wayside, swallowed within an ever lengthening shadow, and he never turns to her, never reaches back. Pushing himself to the breaking point, and then far past it, and now HIS word is law, is doctrine, when it should have been HER, she who spoke with Bhaal's voice when all he has is fleeting visions. The resentment grows, made all the more acrid by the sweet memories of yesteryear. Its like everything shes worked for means nothing, and now he wont even cast a glance her way. Seeing him less and less, and then never as himself, always acting as Leader, Prophet, Idol, everything the cult needed and more, and now when habit rears up and she takes his face to talk to him, he scowls at what he sees. Like the bastard ever had a leg to stand on, she knows what he is, pathetic weak crybaby bloodkin trailing in her wake, acting big and strong now that hes special. Now that hes chosen. Like he knows something she doesnt. Like he could ever know something she doesnt. Grandfather calls him proud, arrogant, and theres no other explanation for the cold she feels from him, inside his skin, its cold arrogant bastard pride for finally besting her at the only game that mattered.
It falls apart slowly over the years. Sarevok, and then Zherimon, instilled in Dirge the need for perfection, to serve as Bhaal's will on earth, and the need for it burrowed deep into Dirge's psyche and consumed everything else around it. He loves his sister. He misses her. But this life is hell and Bhaal's expectations for his chosen spawn are cruel and exacting. All Orin needs to do is what shes always been good at, thats enough. He'll take on everything else so she isnt choked or constrained, so she has room to flourish. He's pulling further and further away from her and it hurts but theres nothing to be done for it, because its Father's will (HIS father, not that he could ever stand to tell Orin, and take from her yet something else, another pillar she stands lofty upon). Shes more than a sacrifice, thats obvious by the way she holds a blade, and Dirge refuses to waste her potential in a single sacrifice to Bhaal, when together they could bring so much more glory to Him at each others sides. He won't take the duel. If she wants for them to kill each other, she must promise a death so glorious as to make this single murder worth more than all the slaughter they could achieve together. The idea is laughable. Somewhere in the back of his mind behind a door that wont stay locked is a treasured sentimental sin, two tiny bodies pressed together in a crevice only barely big enough for them both, outside a man about to be flogged for his failure calls out a name neither of them respond to, and all else is quiet save for the hushed giggles swallowed by the stone. No, she isn't worthy. She isn't worthy by far.
Its a mix of Dirge taking on as much responsibility as he can while leading the cult to give Orin more freedom, and Orin having next to nothing to do with all that extra time and lack of duties beyond ruminating on the discrepancy between them. It feels like she isnt trusted or considered good enough anymore, when she clearly remembers the opposite, and the more he pulls away the more she hates him for it. The resentment is tempered by religious duty and childhood memories, but even though Dirge makes attempts to try and bridge the gap, the circumstances are that there really isnt anything he can do. I like to headcanon that Dirge helped Orin make her skin suit, because he has a noted habit of taxidermy and human leatherworking, as a way to try to reach out to her, but the inertia has built up too much to stop whats going to happen. It was doomed to fall apart at the start, driven by forces neither of them could have even hoped to work against.
The love was always there, but it just made it hurt.
#dirgeposting#orin#bg3 orin#orin the red#bg3 durge#bg3 dark urge#bg3 the dark urge#durge#the dark urge#bg3#bg3 headcanons#throwing this in the main tags cuz i feel like it hits enough character analysis points to be worth it#DOOMED SIBLINGS!!!!!!!!#i think when she finally stabs him at moonrise she freaks the fuck out#because shes felt this way for so long she never thought shed act on it. and now that she has shes lost something she wont ever get back#so she has to force herself to come to terms with burning her bridges on accident. retroactively justify them. revel in them#she hates him more after she lobotomizes him cuz she has to have it make sense. it has to be uncomplicated for her to live with it#but at the moment? shes terrified. thats her BROTHER. thats the same small little boy who needed her to show him how to hit an artery#what has she done? what has she done? what she had to. its the only way it makes sense#also love when you have someone whos Blind despite being able to See.#orin knows him better than anyone. can SEE him better than anyone. but past a certain point can no longer understand WHAT she sees#its being around someone 24/7 but still being strangers.
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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