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jodilin65 · 28 years ago

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TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1996 I finished their cage and am satisfied with the results.

I’m glad Andy’s journal is done. Now all I have to do is copy the rest of it in 125. If there are any pages left over, I’ll use them for email or maybe Kim’s letters.

Just thought I’d write a little as ‘96 nears its end.

Tammy called to wish us a happy new year, but he was asleep. She says Mom and Dad are at an all-night bingo marathon. This sounds like fun and I do like bingo, but I’d rather be home watching the ball go down with no crowds.

Tom’s still sick, as usual, but I don’t know. As I said, at times he seems to go out of his way to prove me wrong and at other times prove me right, as far as stuff I say will or is happening.

So, the question is, is he pretending to be sick cuz I said he’d be sick again and so he can avoid sex? What a hard, long boring act to keep up, though. He doesn’t look or sound too bad, but he even said it wasn’t as bad as his last cold.

Is this gonna become a regular pattern, though? Is he gonna have a cold, get over it, make a duty, screw me, then get sick all over again?

I can handle the lack of sex cuz of how long we’ve been together, but it gets hard to deal with him being sick so much. He’s crabby, we don’t get much done around here and we don’t have as much time together for cards, chats, and stuff like that.

He should really see a doctor. It’s been quite a while since he’s had a check-up.

Our little welfare bums have been quiet, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? It’s to be in the mid-70s, so they may be barbecuing with their pals, screaming as loud as kids do.

All I heard from over there was (no music) a vehicle pull in, a door shut, the kid cried for about 10 seconds, then the recycle bin was wheeled up to their carport. Then about 10 minutes later, I heard them pull out but never heard any music or adult voices. I’m not sure if they’re there now, but it’s been quiet.

Once again, I’m gonna try to get in the habit of remembering to write my entry dates differently. I’d like the year to be included. It’ll make the typed versions much easier to deal with, so I don’t have to scroll up to the beginnings of large documents if I forget the year it covers. Or years.

He slept for about 4 hours, but he’s asleep again now out in the living room.

I think perhaps I’ll go listen to music or do something.

Later…

Well, it’s 1997 where my parents, Tammy and Larry are.

I got till 11:35 here till Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve comes on. I really wish it were the same time in the whole country, though. It’d be easier.

At the stroke of midnight here, we’ll see if I “see” anything. I remember the baby vibe being quite a negative dive as ‘95 came in and nothing much for ‘96.

I guess this will be the last time I write in 1996.

They’re definitely not home next door, cuz the house was dark when I went out to see if I could hear where the firecrackers I heard were coming from.

Watch. With my luck, they’ll use the New Year as an excuse to come blasting in at 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning, just as I’ll be crashing.

Well, until next year!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1996 Tom’s home now and what does he have? Another cold. God just insists there’s one thing after another going on with us, huh?

Well, the good of it is, is that I’m in the right time frame for getting pregnant and after Tammy and others’ words played through my head constantly, that’s a scary thought. That’s good, though. This is exactly what I hoped would happen.

The question is, though, will I always be able to dodge getting pregnant? I know God gives kids to those who don’t want/fear that, but he never did 10 or so years ago when I was foolish to fool around a few times unprotected. Therefore, I’d say I’m sure I have nothing to worry about. Besides, since I’ve been out here, God’s done a wonderful job looking out for me.

Mid-cycle is such a scary time, though! I always have to hope he’s too tired or make up an excuse myself.

At least he rarely cums and if I pray to God to continue keeping me from getting pregnant, I’m sure he’ll listen. I mean, he has protected me from that for years now, so I’m sure he’ll keep on doing so.

I used the popcorn thing again and this time I put oil in it and it was so much better.

Anyway, Tom’s New Year’s resolution is to clean his car out and keep it that way. He asked me if I thought he was in over his head. Yes, I told him. That’s biting off more than he can chew. And the same goes for how he says he’s gonna cum more often, too.

Mine is to accept and live with fate and not try to change, control, or alter my body/life/being.

Then he says, “Oh, then our dream (the kid) will take care of itself.”

Sorry, but that’s not my dream anymore, any more than the singing is, and I’m sterile cuz that is what’s fated and that is my body.

Then he said he didn’t know for sure, but felt there was a good chance that due to the way I’d get worked up over the kid is why there hasn’t been one yet.

Yeah, right. Then why wasn’t I pregnant at 21 when it was the least of my worries, desires, and workups?

That’d be one hell of a powerful person, to have her beliefs come true. Then, if I could just believe I could quit smoking, for example, I would.

Guess I’ll go on decorating their cage some more.

Later…

Wow. God really is looking out for me. I’m sorry Tom’s not feeling well, but I felt those mid-cycle cramps, along with a temperature of 98.8, which tells me I’m ovulating now. So, I shall surely see my January period with no problem.

Stupid me, though. I really should get on some form of birth control and end these monthly fears and worries, but I just don’t want the hassles and side effects. I’d rather trust God to take care of me and yes, I know he will.

It’s only a 24-hour period I have to worry about, so if we have sex tomorrow evening, it’ll be safe.

Anyway, their cage outline is done, so now all I have to do is color the leaves and flowers.

Later…

Just took a bath and in a little while, I’ll make some popcorn.

I was gonna say that the reason why I have not heard those freeloaders is cuz they haven’t been there, but someone had to be there last night. That’s cuz someone took their recycle bin out front.

Every Monday, they get the recyclable stuff from the front. On Thursdays, they do the back regular garbage. They normally do that on Mondays too, but I guess they’re gonna drop Monday’s regular trash pick-up.

Actually, there’s a light on over there now and I think he may’ve just pulled in. I said I “think,” cuz it was such a reasonable volume that I’m not sure.

Tom and I have our theories as to why the music’s been turned down over the last few months.

Maybe they got sick of the 5-6 times I asked them to turn it down and don’t care to see me again.

Or maybe someone else took my honor and really shook him the hell up to get him to tone it down.

Tom says he could’ve blown his speakers or had an ear infection or maybe the woman and kid ride with him more often and they don’t like it.

A 3-month ear infection? I don’t think that or the woman and the kid would stop him.

If he blew his speakers; he seems the type that’d get them fixed or replaced that day. Well, I hope it isn’t blown speakers that’s simply a case of him not having the dough to fix at this time.

I hope he was threatened, but I’m not worried, cuz if he starts up again, I’ll take care of it permanently.

Later…

I was gonna try calling Paula again but forgot. I’ll give it till after the New Year, then see if I can reach her.

Andy left a message earlier saying the “gerbil” cage sounds nice. He calls Piggy a gerbil deliberately as a joke. I told him he’d have to start calling Bunny a hamster.

He also said Tom would have to build him one too, to protect him from the world. He said he got so emotional at work last night that he even let a customer have it. It was over Quinn, but he says his boss let him get away with it cuz she likes him and he also says he’ll impersonate how he went off the next time he sees me.

He also says that after 3 years of loving the wrong person, he’s now even more determined to get over Quinn. He says Laura found him a new dealer. Well, I hope he uses this new dealer, if he has to smoke pot, so he won’t have any ties or need to be around Quinn.

Like I told Andy, it’s OK to have feelings for Quinn, he can’t help that, but he really should see the guy for the scum he is and move on and not settle if Mr. Right is not a part of his destiny.

What was that I just heard? Was that the little freeloader next door? Guess not. I think it’s sirens off in the distance, actually.

I hear sirens much closer now, but unfortunately they’re not close enough to be arresting next door, so I really don’t hear them for quite a while.

I wouldn’t be too surprised if I heard from them tomorrow night or Wednesday.

I’m looking forward to New Year’s Eve. It’s always been my favorite holiday and I love to watch the ball go down at Times Square. Since being out here, I can laugh at how cold all those poor, crazy souls will be. I don’t know, though, they’ve been having an easy winter with much less cold and snow.

I guess God’s compensating them with the really killer winter they had in ‘93 and ‘95.

Yes, I still have a good feeling about ‘97. I wonder what it’ll be. I also wonder if I’ll be wrong about what I think it’ll be. I don’t think so, cuz there just doesn’t seem room enough for my guess to be that off.

Well, I guess I’ll go and wash the dishes now and work on their cage design.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1996 Piggy and Bunny’s cage is all done and they love it. Bunny sure has lots more room to run around and now I don’t have to worry about her escaping or it stinking up so fast. It’s so huge and it looks awesome! The only negative to it is that they have more things to chew on, such as the chicken wire, the wood base, and the burrow. This can really bug me at times and it’s not especially good for the stuff to be chewed on too much.

I’m decorating some of the front strips of wood with flowers and vines. What I’ve got done so far looks nice. It really takes that plain wood and fancies it up.

I moved my worktable. The cage is on the wall between the kitchen doorway and the back door. This is where my table had been, but now it’s where their old cage was. Along the inner wall which runs by the kitchen, bathroom, and music room.

Another freeloaderless weekend, thankfully.

That trailer across the street has been here a few times since I mentioned them and their dog with that obnoxious screeching bark. I only heard it once for a few minutes, but if it becomes a regular occurrence, I will go over there to talk to them about it.

Anyway, it’s pretty cool to see Bunny run up and down the length of the cage. At one point, she nearly trampled Piggy. Poor pig.

Tom picked up the microwave popcorn popper. It’s a lot easier to clean than the older ones and it’s cheaper than microwave popcorn in bags, but it’s pretty bland. I’ll have to use oil or something.

I think that’s it for now, so I’ll go finish my John Saul book.

Oh, I finished Andy’s journal.

I also haven’t heard from Paula, so who knows if she got my message, where she is, or what she’s up to. I never get an answer when I try calling. Hopefully, she’s not in any more trouble.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1996 Right now Tom’s building the frame of the cage. It may not be completely done today as I had expected. I told Tom that having it done today seemed too good to be true. We’ll see what the hell’s going on as we get further into this hefty project. If a guinea pig and a rabbit are this much work, time, and money, think of what a kid would’ve been like. No thanks.

Got a letter from Bob yesterday with the same old shit.

Last night we took some of my money that was from the holidays and my birthday and we went and picked up a few things. I’ll be getting more stuff in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I got 4 pairs of underwear, that cactus mug I said I wanted with all kinds of cactus drawings on it, and a harness and leash for Bunny.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1996 I’ve got a few minutes to write, but my pizza will be ready anytime now. After I eat and straighten my hair, I’ll write more.

I haven’t heard from Paula, so I guess she’s busy. I was gonna wait till I heard from her, but maybe I’ll give her a call to see if she got my letter.

Later…

Just ate and called Paula. I got her machine, so I left a message saying hi, Merry Christmas, and I hoped she got my letter OK. I told her I’d be up and here all day and night, so she could call if she wanted to.

Last night I was writing when Tom said he was gonna go make a duty, then he hoped I’d be taking a break soon.

At first I said to myself, oh no. I’m not going back to him doing a duty, then us having sex and opening the door again for possible trouble.

You know, problems with sex, another spotting incident, or some other kind of tease from God where I’m a few days late for my rag, get to thinking, well maybe… then in comes my rag. Also, I still didn’t like the fact that I had to be put on hold and have Christmas be our one and only priority. Nor did I like the waves of sex.

Then I told myself, hey, we both need a break. Take all the breaks you can get before she shit hits the fan again. He’ll be sick or having some kind of problem or project going on that’ll put sex on hold, so just enjoy each chance you get and take it when it comes.

So like an asshole, as I was in bed waiting for him, I said to God to please let me be ovulating and let him cum and let us have a child (all things are supposed to be possible with him, right?). So, just like always, I was ignored by God and got absolutely no help from him whatsoever. He didn’t cum. I could tell he wasn’t going to from the get-go, as he wasn’t too hard for the most part. Well, it was still fun for me.

I’ll be mid-cycle this Sunday, but as I’ve learned, there is no right time for me, so it doesn’t matter when we have sex. All I can do is hope he’s available to take care of me when I’m most horny.

I found myself thinking about March again last night. They say God helps those who help themselves, but first of all, I already feel we’ve both done whatever we can to help ourselves. Second of all, should we need medical help, I’m still certain God won’t help us help ourselves that way. He’ll either block us completely (the doctor will say there’s nothing they can do for us) or if there’s a chance in hell that God gives in, we’re in for major trouble. Oh, what he’d do to us and that kid if he ever changed his mind! He’ll compensate the hell out of all of us in some terrible way.

This is why I’m still not sure I’ll be able to seek any medical help. In a sense, he’d be more willing than I’d be. I know the consequences of fucking with fate. Or trying to.

What I’d like to be able to do more than anything, and even more than God giving us a kid, would be to just learn to settle, accept fate, not try to change or mess with it in any way, and just accept the fact that we’ll be childless and be OK with it. God made me the way I am for a reason, be it fair or not, therefore, if I mess with the way I’ve been made, I’m asking for trouble. If God let a doctor impregnate me, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he took it away. If they could impregnate me, God would just make sure I lose it. If he’s never given me my choice of occupation or personal lifestyle yet, why should he start now?

The easiest thing to do would be to accept God hates me, isn’t gonna let me have what I really want, and just move on. Then I could at least still have my life. We’d have our lives, we’d have more time, we’d have more money, I could sleep, etc. Marla said we make our choices in life, and since everything has its ups and downs, I choose to look at my built-in birth control system as a blessing and not as a curse and just live with it and accept it and look at its good sides. It’d be a hell of a lot easier than trying to fight God in a losing battle. He won’t give in. He won’t change his mind.

When I look back to Tom’s cumming on my birthday, I’m trying to see what I did leading up to my birthday to get that wish granted, I can’t see anything I did differently that got that wish granted and not the baby wish granted. If I could’ve seen anything I may’ve done differently, I’d apply that to the baby wish, but I just can’t see what, how or why I got that wish of him cumming granted. The only thing I can think of is that it was a tease from God. And a punishment, too. Every time I heighten my begging God for a kid, he seems to tease me more and get my hopes up a few percent, so I can come crashing down even harder than when I have no hope. It’s as if he’s trying to prove a point to me and send a message saying, “You get on my case about this shit you can’t have and try fighting me, you get punished by my teasing you in some way so you can be even angrier and depressed than you usually are.”

Anyway, I still have a wonderful feeling about ‘97 and I think I’ve had that since ‘94. I had that wonderful feeling about ‘94 since around ‘88 but was wrong about the events that ‘94 would entail. If I had to guess what the good vibe about ‘97 is, it’s that this is the year I’ll really come to accept and live with my sterility and get on with life. I don’t know how I’ll be getting on with life and what I’ll be doing, but this is it, so to speak. Then God can send me a new problem to have to deal with for 2-10 years. Then I’ll have another losing battle to fight, and then have to learn to live with and accept.

Well, in just 5 days, we’ll have 365 days to find out what ‘97 holds for us that’s so wonderful, but if it isn’t the end of this baby phase and my learning to live with it and accept it can never be, with or without a doctor, then I’d say it’s got to do with some wonderful new job for Tom. Or maybe someone like Anne & Harry will visit. Or maybe I’ll have my old body back and be thin and fit again. A new home? No way. Too soon. I don’t see how we could move for another 2-5 years. My guess is that we’ll move just before or just after the turn of the century.

Well, I’m gonna do, say, write, and try everything I can possibly do to “brainwash” myself into believing sterility’s good, I’m OK with it, etc. It’s the easiest, best, and only thing I could do. I’m sick of having it torture my mind, body, soul, and life and I choose to help myself get over it.

Got a newsletter from Gloria. I guess there’s gonna be some remixes coming out of new and older stuff she’s done. Also, a new album.

I’ve got the bulk of Linda’s stuff on CD now but would like to get at least one more that I can think of on CD.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1996 Maybe Tom’s right about this being the first phase of getting into some kind of schedule. Yesterday, I got up at 9 AM and was tired pretty much throughout the whole day. I’m usually up 16-18 hours before falling asleep, but I fell asleep last night after being up for about 14 hours and got up earlier today. At 8:15.

Except for being tired and hating to be around groups of people, whether they’re assholes or sweethearts, I had a nice time yesterday at Mary and Dave’s and I feel so much at home and comfortable around everyone. We laughed, joked, chatted, ate and just had a fun time.

We made out very well yesterday, better than I thought we would.

I can’t remember who got us each gift and which things are for us, him or me, but some of it’s obvious.

It’s obvious that the microwave hotdog skewer and the toolbox were for Tom. He also got some T-shirts.

Ma gave her traditional $50 bills and we each got $10 certificates for Walmart.

Some of the things we got, were this Nintendo-type game called Lights Out. It’s got really pretty pink and purple lights and you have to figure out which buttons to hit to get all the lights out. We also got a really pretty cactus picture and blue and yellow checkered placemats and napkins. A strawberry candle and a picture of Mom and Dad. I’m so glad we got this picture, cuz we don’t really have any older pictures of just them. I’d say this one couldn’t be more than a couple of years old. It’s in a gold frame and it’s about 5x7.

Ma said she ran out of wrapping paper, but at her house, she’s got a microwave popcorn popper waiting for us. That ought to be different and interesting to try out.

Stuff I got: slipper socks, body wash, a small round puzzle of a butterfly, and a magnet with my name in pretty colors.

Mary and Dave got me a Gloria video. I didn’t even know they knew I liked her, but Tom obviously slipped the word to them. It’s the Evolution tour I saw on HBO. This is the one where she didn’t look too good or sing too good, but it’s still really cool to have.

Ma got me a journal, so that makes a total of 10 for my birthday, Chanukah, and Christmas. 1 from Mom, 2 from Tom, 3 from Andy, and 4 from my parents.

Oh, before I forget yet again, my folks sent Tom another package containing cakes, fruits, and nuts.

We didn’t end up getting Mom puzzle books. She got a calendar. However, the good thing about it is that she told me she finished the ones I’d last given her. Good, cuz I’ve got tons of them for her in a manila envelope that’ll go to her the next time we’re over there.

Tom got candy and cards from work, so we ended up getting a total of 12 Christmas cards this year. That’s more cards than Chanukah and birthday cards I’ve gotten in the last 5 years.

I guess pigeons can swim to a degree. The other day, there was one that jumped off the wall that divides the pool and spa and he flapped around in the water for a few seconds, then hopped back up on the wall. I’d like to find them something easier to bathe in. Something shallow, yet wide enough to give them room.

I talked to Tammy and told her what we got and I called Mom like I do at times, and thanked her again for the journal. Hers will be next.

The freeloaders have still been nice and quiet. Guess they weren’t around yesterday.

Got a message from Marla, wishing us a Merry Christmas. Her husband’s not Jewish, too, so they had a Christmas party somewhere yesterday themselves. She says she’s going to Springfield for a week Friday morning. Oh, God! At this time of year? She’s gonna freeze her ass off.

We had these fluorescent labels in yellow, green, and pink and I relabeled my CDs yesterday. I decided that the journal sheets I cut to fit the covers, looked really tacky, so I took them out and put labels on them. I like that better than any kind of inner jacket, cuz they always slip out and are a pain. I cut out some old Linda pictures from some jackets and put them in my next journal.

It says ‘Fantasies’ on it. How appropriate for a person like me. All I ever do, anyway, is live on dreams and fantasies, but hey, that’s life and what they’re for.

Yes, I still want a kid and would take it if it came, but I still have my times where I have mixed emotions about that and getting tested or helped in any way. I still fear what a kid would do to our lives and our marriage. There’s no way we could do as many things or be as spontaneous or have each other’s time and attention so easily. I couldn’t write like I do or listen to music whenever I wanted to. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want our lives to be completely changed and so different and I don’t know if I want us to have to give up our freedom and our lives. On the other hand, I still suppose it’d be a worthy sacrifice and I still feel a lot of the time like I don’t have a life and like I’ve got too much free time. Well, this is up to God. Always has been, and always will be.

Also, I don’t know if I’m still brave enough to let them do in vitro or whatever would need to be done to fix us (if possible). I still think that unless something’s necessary, you shouldn’t go against God and fight him and alter the way you naturally are. If I’m as sterile as I believe I am, then that’s how God made me and wanted me to be and there’s a reason for it, or else my plumbing would be fine and I’d have been pregnant by now. I don’t see how it just “hasn’t been the right time” yet.

Tom still disagrees, of course, says we’re fine and that I’ll be pregnant by March. In March, though, and realistically speaking, I know I won’t be pregnant, therefore I’ll just get a pap done and decide then whether or not to bring it up to the doctor Tom’s never been right about us having a kid and after all this time, I don’t see how he ever could be. He may be right about most other things (certainly not the timing), but this is something that’ll go on and on forever and I’m sure he’ll always say we’re fine unless I get brave enough to mention it to a doctor and they say something’s wrong. Tom says I’ll be pregnant by March, but then of course, when March comes, he’ll say I’ll be pregnant by June, then by September, then by December. Every few months. Still, I’m glad he says he’ll do whatever we need to do. That really makes me very pleased and very happy to know that he’s willing to get us help, even if he believes we won’t need it and I believe I’ll chicken out of that. I’m not saying it was wrong of Linda and her husband to get the help they needed to have the kids that they wanted, it’s just that for me, I’d be afraid of what God would do to the kid or us for going against him and changing the way he made my body. All this and the other things I fear about it - the physical toll it’d take on us both, but naturally, mainly me.

Evie said she didn’t plan or expect Nickolena or the one she’s carrying now. Yeah, it fucking figures and I believe it. In other words, they were accidents. A good 90% of our lives are just not what we plan, expect, or want it to be. My horoscope had said not to live a life of settlement or else I’d be bored to tears. Gee, like some of us have a choice?!

I’ve also changed my mind about posting some of my drawings on AOL, as we discussed doing so. If God wouldn’t let me be a singer when I wanted to, or have a child, why should he let me be an artist? This can’t be something he’s been trying to “guide” me into. He hasn’t been trying to guide me into anything and if he won’t help me, why should I?

Besides the longer we go without something (like a child), the harder it is to adapt to the idea of it or having it. Hell, we haven’t had sex since the 5th and it’s not gonna be that easy for me to just fall back into that. I also still have a problem with that, cuz I don’t like the idea of knowing that maybe we’ll have sex for a while, maybe we won’t. I want to either have sex or not have sex. Not do it for a week or two, then not do it for a week or two, and back and forth like that. Tom’s just got too many excuses and lately, he’s become quite the hypochondriac himself. Little did I ever think that my husband, of all people, would turn out this way. I can see people like Tammy being this way, but Tom? He’s always got something going on and some of them, like Christmas, are obviously more important than our time together to screw or whatever. I’ll give him credit for this: he said he wanted to take a break, so we played cards. Still, he could’ve easily made enough time for sex during the last week or two once he started feeling better. We could’ve had some quickies. He could’ve offered to go down on me which takes only about 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes of his time was such a big deal. Once again, I still think he’s trying to instill patience in me and uses stuff like Christmas as an excuse to bail out of sex for a while, cuz I still think he’s not totally ready for a kid. He’s never gonna be able to cum more often with the way he starts and stops sex and has so many problems and excuses.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1996 Last night, either a dream or something woke me up at 9:00, just two hours after crashing. I thought I heard/dreamt one big bang of some sort. So, I got up to pee, went out, and asked Tom if he heard anything and he said no. I asked if next door’s been back and he said that he thinks she’s been there, cuz he sees lights on here and there and that the old black guy (not white guy, like I had thought and I think they don’t like whites), picks her up in the mornings and brings her back at night. Yeah, but they come and go quietly. He had said he was pretty sure there was no vehicle there and that if there was music loud enough to wake me up, he’s sure he’d have heard it and he insisted there was no music. He said maybe it was a car door, real soft, but loud enough to filter into a dream of mine.

Well, I just checked this morning and that jeep is there. I think it was him, and Tom covered for him so he wouldn’t have to deal with my reaction. Tom knows that if I catch them waking me up for sure, I’ll go over there and set that dude straight for once and for all. We’ve already established that 9 PM is one of the times he’s come in and Tom always swore he’d tell me if they woke me up and that he has told me when they’ve been loud.

Well, if it was him, he must’ve just got back last night, cuz I haven’t heard any music for several days. He couldn’t have been around since at least last Thursday, cuz I haven’t heard any music. Not even soft music.

I just wish I knew how truthful Tom’s been about next door, cuz I know he’s on their side, no matter what he says, and I know he’ll do whatever it takes to keep me from going over there and letting them have it. And also, the more I think about it, there have been too many “bang dreams.” I’ve had at least 5 of those since they’ve been here, that I can remember of. There was one, though, I did have and after checking, there was no vehicle there.

Well, if they are up to their old shit, they’re gonna get it, cuz no one fucks with my sleep. Also, why would they quiet down for a few months, then go back to the same old shit? Well, I’m gonna be up this morning and tonight around that same time, and if I hear them, not only am I gonna think Tom lied about last night, but I’ll be visiting them. If they want to play music coming and going, fine. They can do that all they want, but it better not be so loud that it can be heard/felt over that fan and wake me up.

I did manage to get back to sleep, though, and thank God, too, cuz that would’ve really fucked things up around here. I wouldn’t have been able to help much with the Christmas presents, much less go over there tomorrow.

I woke up at 103 pounds. Fuck!

Tom said, “I’ll bet you haven’t seen this number in quite a while,” then he stepped on the scale and it said 200. He said that that was OK, though, cuz it’s the holidays, so it’s to be expected.

I told Tom this morning that I was still bummed that I couldn’t get him anything for Christmas and he didn’t tell me what he wanted. He said that that was not my fault that he couldn’t think of anything and he didn’t get me any material things for Chanukah. True, but I’ll make him up something. I may take a full-size sheet of paper, draw something nice on it, and on it write “Merry Christmas.”

Tom also has a point about why we couldn’t get the presents for our families earlier - we didn’t have the money then.

Yesterday, I got an old Linda CD from the club and another copy of that Madonna one, but that was our fault. We ordered it on the computer too soon after mailing the wrong one back that they sent with a note telling them what I really wanted. So, it’s more than likely going to Andy for his birthday. If not, we’ll sell it at Zia’s.

Tom says yes, he’ll be doing the same job, processing canceled checks. He’s not sure when he’ll be starting or exactly what his hours will be, but it’ll be happening soon. He thinks he’ll have Fridays and Saturdays off and that he’ll be working Sundays from 8 PM-4 AM, then Monday - Thursday from midnight-8 AM. He’ll be getting $9.24 an hour, but it’ll soon go up to $9.68 an hour.

Another reason why I could’ve been wrong about my vibe saying he wouldn’t get the job is cuz I didn’t believe, logically speaking, due to how much he wanted it, that he’d get it. I noticed that a lot of the time I’m wrong on the things I don’t believe will happen, so they creep up on me without warning.

If I believed I could get pregnant, I’d think that now would be the time for God to see to it, due to this schedule that’ll make making appointments easier to get to and the extra money, which always helps with a kid/kids. You can never get enough money when you’ve got a kid. There’s another reason, too, but we don’t know if this is necessarily the case yet.

For about a week, the longest time in quite a while, my schedule was the same. I was getting up at around 1:30 AM. Tom says he thinks it’s time now, where little by little, my body will naturally adapt to a schedule. But getting up at that hour? I asked. He said that once I get into a schedule, I could pick and control the scheduling of when I go to bed and get up. Well, I don’t see it or believe it, but I hope he’s right.

I called Tammy yesterday and told her, sorry I hadn’t been in touch much, but we’ve been busy. I updated her on finding Paula, Tom’s new schedule, and told her about the calendar we’re making for his immediate family. Then, right away, it was all about the sickness/problems going on in that household. Now, once again, I know most of the problems she says that are going on are true and I believe she and her family is cursed, but yet she bitches to me about the same old shit? Oh, please! It’s nothing but the same old shit over and over again with her. I’m sure, though, that that’s perfectly fine with Mom and Dad. That’s their favorite daughter, remember?

Later…

Just heard next door leave without one note of music, so that’s cool.

I finished the nighttime cactus scene in the living room. I drew up a floral vine for Tom that said: Merry Christmas, I Love You. The flowers/leaves shape the letters.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1996 Before getting into Paula, I’ll update stuff around here.

It was a very peaceful weekend and next door’s been gone. Tom says they’ll probably be gone through Christmas. Good. New Year’s Eve, though, oh God! They are gonna freak. Still, that’s acceptable and understandable, even if I still wish we lived somewhere where you had no idea if your neighbors are freaking out or not.

For Tom’s immediate family, I may or may not have mentioned that he’s doing a family calendar. He videotaped his ma’s photo albums, then ran them through the computer. He had made up a calendar program where he inserted people’s pictures into the calendar on their birthdays. So, on June 28th, for example, there’ll be a picture of Tom. In text, he’s also writing in people’s anniversaries and major holidays. He’s been doing the bulk of it since I’m not the expert he is, but I’ve helped with font suggestions and spelling.

Tom also got toys, plants and stuff like that for Nickolena, Jackie, Pam, Ryan and Jennifer. Ma will still get a variety of puzzle books.

Marla and I still exchange messages and they’re gonna need Tom’s help with their computer but they said no hurry and after the holidays is fine.

I’m surprised Marla hasn’t suggested adoption. Black babies, as Andy had said. Yes, black women have babies like rabbits! Also and once again, I know there are good, hard-working blacks and Hispanics, but so many bring these 3 words to mind: poor, crime and drugs. Although, I think it’s the Hispanics that have first prize for drugs (also not working and having way more kids than blacks and anyone else. They’re up there with the Mormons, as far as big families go). The blacks get the top prize for crime.

Not much else is going on that I can think of or remember. Just that it’s a good thing I’m not too horny now, cuz Tom’s not taking his own advice too well right now at all, where he says we can do/work on things, but to live life in the meantime. Since the 5th, it’s been all about doing for Christmas. Nothing for us in the midst of what we can do for Christmas. Since when does Christmas have to mean no sex, no playing card games, no long chats? I told him that next year, we should really start buying/making stuff for the holidays earlier, instead of waiting till the last few days.

I had two chats with Paula yesterday morning, and the morning before, and I sent her a 4-page letter.

Yes, her life’s still shitty and hard and she’s still the same old ditzy Paula, but it’s still been so great to have finally found her and chatted with her. She says she tried getting a hold of me twice, the day I discovered her number, but the doofus she’s with gave her the wrong number.

She’s living in a family house that’s $600. I didn’t know she didn’t have section 8. Still, she gets about $600 a month and she gets $535 for Justin, who’s 5.

Her boyfriend, Francisco, doesn’t live there. I guess he’s one of her boyfriends. I guess you could say Paula’s a “picky slut,” but she says she may marry someday.

Not surprisingly, her son Robert who’s 8, has been in foster care for about 4 years. What I don’t understand is why she says she regrets having kids, they drive her crazy, they’ve got all these problems she can’t deal with, yet she wants to fight to get Robert back. She says she almost lost Justin and I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. I can’t see her ever getting Robert back, or Justin if she lost him too, but who knows. The courts are so favorable to natural parents. I personally think that having her kids live elsewhere would be best for both her and the kids. She’s just that kind of mom that I get on God’s case about, even though Paula is a dear friend of mine. She just can’t handle it and she’s a lousy mom. Always yelling and threatening. She’s so irresponsible and undependable, too. God loves giving kids to her kind. I still tell her to go for it, follow her heart and fight for him, if that’s what she truly wants.

Her mom died of cancer a year ago, her father lives in Florida and she says she found her real mother in CT. Her real mother’s in a mental home and I guess, has been for years. She says she’s got a lot of real sisters (I don’t know about brothers). She was adopted and she has a twin brother named Paul and I think another adopted sister named Brandy. I guess her real dad is nowhere to be found. Viola C is her real name.

As I figured, she’s been trying to find me too, but had no idea of where to even begin. Trust me, she wouldn’t have the mentality to do so. Anyway, she’s pretty hyper, like me, and we were both psyched to talk to each other, but we were jumping around from subject to subject, getting sidetracked and forgetting things we had to say/ask. There’s lots of catching up to do. I think, though, that between our two chats and my letter, most of the things that have been going on with us have been covered.

She says she did some porn movies, but from what she says, she doesn’t have any of them. I guess the guy who was shooting the movies was mixed up in the mob and was killed. She says the wife’s got them and she doesn’t know how to get a hold of her. Whatever. She says she was only intimate with men and that she was asked to be with the women, but she said no cuz they were all fat. Since when would they use fat women for porn movies? Anyway, I don’t know if or how much money she made off of this. Guess it was just something for her to do.

And she also was in jail for a month. She said she was in jail for fighting. I told her I had thought the Paula that went off on people for no reason was long gone. She says it is, but that some girl kicked her pregnant friend in the stomach and made her lose the baby, so that’s why she went after her. Oh, that explains it. I would beat the snot out of anyone who did that to a friend of mine, too. Anyway, she’s on probation and has to do community service. From what she tells me, the girl isn’t the only one she went after. She said she threw a cop down and that 3 cops ended up having to restrain her. Yeah, I can see this. Oh Paula, please! Are you ever gonna grow up, get mature, and grow a brain?

She says there were several 300-pound mamas that tried raping her in jail. She says she’s got both male and female gay friends, but that the woman’s a butch, so she doesn’t dare bother with her. I’m surprised she hasn’t experimented with women yet, but she said that if there were a fem around, it’d depend. Those fems are still hard to find. I wonder, though, why she never hit on me back in Springfield? Maybe she doesn’t think I’m as pretty as I thought she did or as I thought she was. Maybe it was cuz of Brenda. Who knows? Well, I suppose I wouldn’t have stopped her if she had, but I never could’ve had a relationship with her. She’s too flaked out.

Here’s a classic example of how ditzy she is. I said I wanted to get it straight, for once and for all, where the hell she’s from cuz I’ve heard different things. I thought she was from MA, but she’s from Enfield, CT. She thought I was from CT, but then right after I told her I was from MA, she went on to ask me if I remembered certain teachers back in Enfield High. Dah!

Anyway, Paula is 29. She thought I was 28, not 31. She said she knew there was about a couple of years difference there, but forgot which direction that went.

Paula always had nice white teeth, like Tom. And also, nice dark eyes and nice long brown hair, that’s straighter than mine. I asked her if she still had that pretty long hair and she said, no, she was with her boyfriend in Puerto Rico for 4 months, her hair turned red there, burned off, so she cut it and it’s now to her shoulders.

Whatever. I guess she had chemicals in her hair at the time from perming it.

She says she fucked around with diet pills a while back and is now 110. Wow, I remember her to be slightly chunky (mostly muscle) I thought she’d be in the 120s - 130s like before.

She got her phone a few months ago and she almost got it unlisted. Thank God she didn’t cuz I’d have been really bummed to have finally found she had a phone, just to not be able to get the number.

She also says she moves around a lot for the same reasons I used to. Problems with landlords/neighbors. This place she’s in now is pretty condemned and she says she has no heat/hot water. Oh, I remember that one all too well. Anyway, she says she’s looking to move somewhere nearby and that if my letter gets returned to me to mail it to a friend at a Liberty Street address she gave me in Springfield.

She asked for pictures and I said I’d get some off to her (and Mom and Dad B) as soon as I can. She wants pictures of Arizona, too. I told her, too, to please send pictures of her and her boys. I said I’d not only like current pictures of her, but ones of her with her long hair. I’d also love a letter, too, I told her. Our chats stick in my memory after we hang up the phone, but they are gone. A letter would be a special thing from her to me that’s tangible that I could hang onto.

She also asked about Tom and I told her how wonderful he is. I also told her we live in a house with a private yard/pool/spa.

In my letter to her, I told her about my ear surgery and the trouble I got into in Deerfield, as well as the hell I went through in CT. She knows about the dancing, too.

Well, I think those are the highlights of our chat. If I remember anything else, I’ll include it.

Oh, I not only thanked her for looking out for me, keeping me company, and letting me bitch to her about my life but I asked her why was she so nice to me? Why didn’t she think of bullying me around or screwing me over? She said probably cuz I was the only one who’d take her shit. Meaning, listen to her bitch about life, too. Yeah, I’ve been told I’m very easy to talk to. She’s a lot like me in the way that you can tell/ask her anything and she’s very open-minded and accepting. She’s also pretty understanding too, what with all she’s gone through.

Later…

Just remembered something else she told me that was sweet, yet funny. She says she’s gonna save up money to come see me out here in the summer and that Justin’s dad, already said he’d babysit while she’s gone. Anyway, I let her know that Tom told me he’s sure that somehow, we’ll see each other again someday (and Mom and Dad B), whether it’s out here or there.

Another funny thing is that Francisco the boyfriend said he’s known Paula for 4 years. But then Paula said he was Justin’s dad. Yeah, well, Justin’s 5 and a half, according to Paula. Like I said, this guy’s perfect for her!

Also, Tom not only still thinks we’re fine and that I’ll be pregnant by March, but he explained more about that chart Marla told me about. First of all, I know Tom will be wrong about March, even if I knew I was OK. He’s never been right about the timing of anything. He may end up being right about most things, but not the timing of them.

As far as the chart goes, he says it’s something you do for a while to see when you ovulate and if there are any inconsistencies or not. You don’t just do it, hope your lover’s available when the time looks right, then fuck.

There’s also gonna be something coming up that’ll show if my strong vibes are still as accurate as they always have been. Tom’s got a possible position opening up for him on third shift. He wants it so it’ll leave us more time to do stuff in/out of the house during the day. I hope he gets it if it’s what he wants and if it’ll improve our lives, but I don’t see it. I have a strong vibe he won’t get it, cuz he really wants it. God doesn’t work that way. God would be much more likely to give the job to someone who doesn’t give a shit either way. For his sake, I hope I’m wrong, though, and then that might show that my 80% - 90% accuracy rate with strong vibes would be dwindling. Most of the time, I think that’d be nice if it did dwindle.

Later…

Yay! He did get the job. He’s not sure when he’ll start or what his hours will be, but we’re psyched for 3 reasons. 1. More money. 2. More time in the days to do stuff. 3. I was just wrong with a very strong vibe! Finally. If only I could be wrong with the kid, but I still just don’t sense, see or believe it. I haven’t been wrong yet. And remember, just cuz I was wrong a few times; I was still right on many, many things I felt strongly about, like it or not.

Tom would’ve loved the answer I gave Paula when she asked if we had any kids. I normally would’ve said, “No. And we’ll never be able to have any,” but instead I told her, “I don’t think I’ll be able to, but we’re working on it.”

Speaking of Tom and his timing, he says we’ll have Piggy’s and Bunny’s new cage built on Saturday. Right! This I’ve got to see, but I hope he’s right.

My losing weight looked promising and I even woke up at 100 pounds 2 days in a row. However, I’m right back up to 104. My metabolism started to speed up but slowed back down again. For a while, I was starting to be able to eat and stay the same weight. Today, though, I weighed 102, then ate a baked potato and was at 104. The only way I’m gonna lose the weight and speed up my metabolism is to only have just liquids for 2-3 days; no food. For now, though, I’m just gonna have to let it ride. Most of the times I’ve lost weight, it’s been without even trying, anyway. Maybe if I just forget about it for a while, it’ll come off on its own. Meanwhile, the pressure I put on myself when I go to try to lose weight, usually never seems to work. I’ve lost weight more often by not trying than by trying.

Andy’s on the phone with me now, going on and on about problems with Quinn. I thought he was starting to get over him and I thought he was spending more time in the bars trying to meet other people.

Now he’s reading me a letter from his gay friend Sandy from Hyannis, MA. She sent him a 10-minute phone card. How nice.

About the wackiest, ditsiest thing Paula asked me was this: Her boyfriend is Puerto Rican and she asked if Tom was white. I said yes, then she goes, “Is he Irish like you?”

I said neither of us was Irish, then she goes, “Oh, you’re Korean, right?”

“No,” I said, “I’m Jewish.”

I told Tom and Andy this and I burst out laughing when she said this. And the cool thing about it is that you can laugh at Paula all you want and she won’t take it personally, cuz she’s too dense to get it.

This new job schedule of Tom’s will prove how serious he is about “living life,” as he seems so obsessed with saying, and if he’s that serious about us having more sex. He’s proven to me that he can cum and that he does want a kid (he still has to show me he can cum more often), but he still seems to have this thing with stopping and starting sex. I mean, we get on a roll with it, then something comes up where he just can’t seem to make the time for sex.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1996 I have some really exciting news. First of all, I called my other mom and dad to say hi (Anne B). I tried the house in W. Springfield first and got no answer, so I called LaRagione’s and got her there. She has quite a cold but told me she got half a letter started to me and mentioned something about sending pictures which would be wonderful. I’d love to have pictures. Then Tom can see what they look like. Some of her relatives who help out there and work there, too, remember me, cuz she said Pauline wanted to know if I still played the guitar. I believe Pauline is Ma’s cousin.

She asked if I was coming in ever and I told her I had no plans to, but if I ever did, could I call about us getting together? She said she’d expect me to. Cool. And Tom said, of course, we can meet with them. She says their friends in Tucson are on their case about coming out to visit them, so I told her I hope they succeed, so we can see them too.

Now, here’s my awesome news! Well, I got to wondering about how Jessie’s doing these days and Steve and Jai and I still wonder who the hell Robin really was at times. Remember Shelly? I know I mentioned her before. She was at Dotty H’s with me in Springfield when we were both 16. She really looked out for me and protected me from Dotty and Valerie. I never could find her to thank her for this, but I still wonder whatever came of her.

I check once or twice a year and there’s never a listing for Paula, but when I last checked, I was like, holy shit! There was a listing in W. Springfield! So, I called the number, and her youngest of two sons, Justin, answered (I guess Robert would now be around 7 and Paula’s probably around 29).

Then a guy took over the phone who sounded Puerto Rican, but also ditzy and perfect for Paula. She wasn’t home, he said, and he also said he’s known her for 4 years. I don’t know if he lives there, but I think he does. I don’t know if he’s the father of Justin, or what, or how serious they are. Paula doesn’t usually get serious and she doesn’t play around either. At the same time, though, I’m sure she’d love a guy around to use for help with the kids, money, and sex, and who knows if she’s ever experimented with women. According to the guy, she was out getting toys for the kids and isn’t working still.

I told the guy to tell her she can call collect if she wants and he said she usually calls in when she’s out and that he’ll pass the message along. So, so far, we’ve been playing phone tag and haven’t managed to talk yet. When I called there to check and see if she was in yet, he said she had called him and she then turned right around to try to call me. Cool! She didn’t even wait till she got back home. The thing about it was that I was listening to music when she tried to call and you can’t leave messages on machines when you make a collect call. I’m sure she tried calling from a payphone. I told the guy to tell her that I’m married, so if she called directly, got the machine, which has Tom’s voice on it, to know she didn’t dial wrong (they now have voicemail there, too).

So, the last time I talked to the guy, I was exhausted. I thanked him for being so patient with me and being such a good messenger, but that I’d have to try again tomorrow (today). If Tom got any calls from her last night, I don’t know. I’ll have to wait till he gets up to find that out.

I’m still so psyched that I finally found her. I never did get to say goodbye and she was such a nice person. She really looked out for me, kept me company and she never hurt me in any way. She never asked to constantly borrow things, either, like I initially thought she would. All she wanted, like I did, was someone to talk to.

Well, since she has a phone, I guess she’s doing better these days and I hope she is and that her relationship is a happy one. It’s been 6 years. We’ve got lots of catching up to do and we’ll see if she’s the same old flaky, spacey Paula or if she’s grown or changed in any way.

I’m sure Paula was shocked to hear that I was trying to get a hold of her. I’m sure that “Jodi” and “the Harley Hotel” and “Locust Street” rings a bell in her head, but “Arizona” and “husband” are gonna shock her. She may think, is this a joke?

Got a message from Marla too, but first, two nights in a row I got instant messages from two different people. One said, “Hi,” and the other said, “Good Evening.” I never bothered to respond, though, cuz that just isn’t my thing anymore and I just figured that they were just your late-night perverts.

Marla didn’t have much more to say. Just that she agrees with us that last August was probably a miscarriage (I don’t think that any egg of mine that could get fertilized will ever hook to the womb and stay that way. I think my body will always reject any fertilized egg).

She also said she didn’t mean to scare me with the story of the baby kicking through its mom’s womb and that she isn’t trying to be a know-it-all. I told her I knew this but hey, she is smart in many ways.

She says that spotting during pregnancy is usually a one-time thing and that it usually occurs for a day or two.

Then she mentioned a Mary L, and a Rosalie and Lenny who were somehow associated with our parents and Charlotte and Jim.

Andy just called and I asked him who the hell Mary L is and he says that’s his friend Mary back in MA. Oh. I’d always only known her as just Mary. I didn’t know her last name.

Also, Andy says that Rosalie and Lenny were a couple that was friends with our parents, Char and Jim, and others till Ma decided to ban them from their little clique and everyone, still unable to break free of Ma’s power and influence, went along with it.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1996 This morning was both nice yet a little tense with Tom. Still, I miss spending time with him so much and I miss sex. Well, I do and I don’t. I just wish he’d get to feeling better and stay that way! It seemed like there’d have been plenty of time for sex this morning, but he said that he wasn’t sure how his tooth would end up feeling (now that his cold is over, his tooth is bugging him again, but we’ll get it taken care of if we need to) and by the time he realized his tooth was fine, we didn’t have enough time for fun. Yes, we did. We could’ve had a quickie, or he could’ve gone down on me.

So, I asked him why I was feeling horny at this time. I’m not usually horny after my period, but he said that it was probably cuz we hadn’t spent too much time together. Then suddenly, his tooth started hurting him and at first, I thought he was trying to put a guilt trip on me for mentioning the fact that if we didn’t have sex, we avoid possible problems it can and has brought, but that if we don’t, we go horny. I’m pretty sure now, though, that his tooth was really hurting him.

Then I got a little annoyed when once again he said, “I know there’s no problem” (with my plumbing).

The reason why I’d gotten annoyed was cuz he always tells me after I say, “I know I’m sterile,” not to assume I know something, either way, cuz no one’s supposed to know what the future holds. Then he told me I could say whatever I wanted and that when he said what he said, it went without saying, in his mind, that there’s a slim, remote possibility there is a problem. So I guess what he’s saying, is that we can believe whatever we believe, but to know that there’s always a chance we could be wrong.

I got to thinking about that brainwashing thing. If I can brainwash myself into thinking God hates me (I still think this is true for the most part anyway), then why couldn’t I brainwash myself into believing I didn’t want a kid? I asked him if he thought Andy could brainwash himself into believing he didn’t want a boyfriend, since he doesn’t think he could get that any more than I think I could get a kid, and he said no. I wonder why? What’s the difference?

Anyway, it’s been absolutely freezing out at night these last couple of nights, and the days have been chilly.

After Tom left for work, saying he was looking forward to the weekend which I agree with, a pipe was leaking out back where one of the faucets is. It was spraying a mist and it was so cold and there were even icicles forming off of the hose and the wet grass below it was all icy. Yuck! Totally like being in Massachusetts. So, I tried to turn it off, but when I couldn’t, I called Tom and he told me which valve to turn and in which direction and told me he’d call back. I got it off with a pair of pliers, then he called back saying I was a wonderful wife for getting it off so he didn’t have to come home and do it.

I’m still working on losing that extra weight, but I haven’t been totally able to “liquidate” myself. I’m at 102 now, but I’d like to get it down to the upper 90s. Even if I could just drop 3-5 pounds, that’d really make a difference at my height and with how I looked, felt, and how my clothes fit.

A couple more comments about Marla’s letter - we heard that making love more often, increases the amount of live sperm, not decreases it, but oh well. And that graph thing seems pretty complicated, but of course, I can’t count very well. Also, if it said I was likely to be ovulating, that doesn’t do me any good if he’s either at work, asleep, busy, sick, tired, or unable to cum.

I was also shocked at how she said 70% of pregnant women experience some kind of bleeding episode during early pregnancy. 70%?! That’s an awfully high figure and if it were that common, then why isn’t it common knowledge? I mean, that’s like saying I could be pregnant, since I had a light period which was mostly spots, both brown and red and I think I saw some tissue, too. I know better, though. I don’t sense any major change, so trust me, my womb is still empty.

I was also surprised she said she blocked out stuff that happened to her as an adult. I thought that the only ones who could really block anything out were those no older than about 10. I wish to hell I could’ve done that throughout most of my life. I envy her. My problem has been remembering. I’m able to remember every single rotten thing that’s ever happened to me and mostly in full detail, too. I wish I could’ve taken and blocked out shit that happened to me as it happened. A lot of the time, especially when the past seems to play on my mind and creep up on me, I wish that even now, I could block out all the bad things I’ve gone through, one by one. That’d have to be the bulk of my life, though.

I also told Marla that she can bash my mom in any way shape or form. Even if I didn’t agree with her (yet I do), she has a right to her feelings and she can speak her mind. It’s fine with me.

My dad’s pretty persuasive too, but not like my mom. Even my dad can’t stand up to my mom and I think this is a big reason why he didn’t stick up for me, Larry and Tammy, besides his own weakness. See, I just know that Tom, being as strong as he is and as loving and protective of me as he is, won’t even be able to stand up to them. If she started to cut me down, he may say in his mind, say something in defense of your wife! But will never be able to do so. My mother could convince most of the world that she was God if she wanted to, but thankfully she and dad aren’t cops cuz if one of them did something cops aren’t supposed to do, the other would never blow the whistle. Hell no! They’d stand by each other and back each other up like the staff in places like Valleyhead and Brattleboro do. That’s what Marla meant when she said Dad was in the same boat, different level. He too, was under the domination of Dureen.

Anyway, speaking of my weak, intolerable parents, they sent Tom candy for Christmas. 3 different kinds of chocolates.

And, speaking of Tom’s mom, remember how I said she showed me a funny letter she got from her cousins? They live in either Virginia or Tennessee, somewhere around there, but there were 16 “Ha’s” throughout the whole letter and I thought it was pretty weird/funny. Anyway, she just got another letter from them and there were no HAs, but it was a pretty bragging, conceited letter. They started off by saying they hoped all was well with “you and yours.” What a hell of a thing to say to someone whose husband just died 6 months ago.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1996 I went online, saw that Marla was online, and sent her an instant message. Then I sent her an email and am now waiting for her to reply.

I think I’ll go cruise the Internet while I await her reply.

Later…

Still waiting for Marla’s reply. What’s taking her so long? She obviously types fast too, and is an excellent speller. Very literate, just like Andy told me she was.

When I’m not waiting for her or something else, I’ll write more about stuff we’ve talked about.

I downloaded more games, but don’t know if I can remember how to unpack and decompress them.

Later…

Marla better hurry up and get her message to me, but I’ll have to reply to her some other time. A message just popped up saying that the system’s going down in 30 minutes and won’t be back up till 7 AM ET. That’s 5 AM here.

Right now I’m downloading those files which should take about 8 more minutes.

Later…

Got Marla’s reply, but I let her know I’d write back some other time since the system was to go down.

She and I have discussed all kinds of things (mainly about pregnancy). I didn’t tell her about our past sexual lives, of course, but I told her about the DES, my beliefs about God, and my life in general. I made it clear to her that I do have my blessings and how wonderful Tom is. I also told her how positive Tom is and that he agrees with her. That God isn’t punishing me or us and that we’ll succeed whenever.

She gave me Linda’s number, but I don’t think I’ll ever need to call her.

I can’t remember everything we discussed in the last couple of letters. She just told me to get tested and I told her that if we haven’t had any luck by March when I’m due for a pap, that’s when I’ll casually mention it, get the ball rolling and that we both agreed to do whatever it takes if we can’t manage on our own.

I’m still shocked that Marla had such an easy time with childbirth and said it was easier than having her 4 impacted wisdom teeth pulled, but like Tom said, everyone’s different. I had thought that nothing was more painful than having a kid. I may be a toughie in many ways, who’s not as sensitive as she used to be, but I still can’t imagine a drugless, easy birth like Marla had, with only a few stitches down there. I’m not that tough and I’m not as big as she is. She did say, though, that with her second boy (she has two) the labor was sharper, so they gave her something that’s supposed to take the edge off the pain and it didn’t help much. Yeah, I heard that the drugs really don’t help much and that all they do is prolong the process and up the risks to the mother and the child. I always swore that if I were pregnant, I wouldn’t bother with those birthing classes. If childbirth is supposed to be natural, I don’t see why I should have to be “taught” how to have a kid if I could have it vaginally. I’d still want to find out all my options and see what the doctor recommended but have the drugs available to me if and when needed. Still, I already know how to take some good, deep breaths, so like Tammy said, it’s kind of obvious and I don’t see why I’d need classes.

Shockingly, Marla said she thought it’d be so painful and when she saw an instructional video, the lady looked like she was gonna die of pain and yet they said the woman was having a fairly easy labor.

Marla also told me that before Linda had in vitro, she attempted two failed surrogates for Linda.

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I realize that Tom really truly is right on just about everything he’s ever said would happen. All he was really wrong about was the timing of these things, but so far, even though we have gotten me pregnant, we did get him on top, we did get him off, etc., just like he said would be the case. As I told him, the more I remind myself of this, the more I hope it’ll help me to deal with our situation and to move on. Talking with Tom, Andy, and Marla have really helped.

I told Marla that I wasn’t ashamed of my past experiences with women, that I never believed God hated gays, and that I believed that those who say he does just want to cut down gays and try to scare them, so she responded to that in her letter I’ll copy in here.

Tom says that I may have always believed God had it in for me, but that lately, I’ve come to be obsessed with the idea of him hating me and that I brainwashed myself into believing he hates me. Yeah, I think he’s right, but I still can’t help but believe this. I wish I didn’t, though. I wish I just believed that I do have more control over my own body and life than I’ve had in the past and that it just hasn’t been the right time yet. They say there’s a time to die and a time to be born. I’m sure I’d believe in God for the better much more if I do get pregnant. If not, I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see.

The good thing about it is that between what Tom, Andy, and Marla have had to say about it all and the procedures available, and that there are places guaranteeing a visible pregnancy and your money back, has helped to boost my hope up a little. I don’t know how the hell we could afford any procedures, but I just hope we’ll never need it and that Tom will be right yet again about not needing anything.

Meanwhile, all I can do is wait, try to hope things work out, and take Tom’s advice about God and living life. It may not be easy, but I guess that the more often I can live out his advice, that that’ll be better than nothing, even though I agree with Tom and myself that what we think, do or say, doesn’t dictate the future. It may just make it easier to deal with and maybe speed things up, but who knows for sure?

I also agree with Tom, Andy and Marla, that the past can’t be changed, even if it plays on our minds periodically. And that also, I don’t have to be like my mother. God, I hope not! I don’t see how I could live with myself if I did a fraction of the things she’s done and we’re already quite different.

I really am lucky, like Marla said, that Tom doesn’t judge me by my past and I’ve told Tom this.

Another cool thing about Marla is that she doesn’t just know what Andy’s told her since he and I met up in ‘88. She knows how my mom was/is. She saw how she was with us.

I agree with her about there usually being a reason for the way people are and she asked me about my mom. Well, that’s easy. Her parents were just like mine. Her mom was mean, negative and domineering and her dad sat back and acted like nothing happened while using his heart as an excuse to not get upset. Yes, my dad had/has a bad heart and it’s not good for him to get all emotional, but if I had been him, I would’ve set that Dureen straight on how she treated our kids. I don’t mean violently, either.

I also agree with Marla that all parents make mistakes, but trying your best and trying not to repeat mistakes and apologizing for your mistakes and letting your kids know you love them no matter what, is the best.

Lastly, she gave me all kinds of news, advice and stuff like that on pregnancy. I’ll show Tom her letter and ask him what he thinks. He says we can let it happen on its own (by March) and I trust his judgment with his track record of being right (whether it be on time or not), so I’ll ask him if he thinks we should take her temperature advice or wait on it, but keep it in mind as something that may help in the future if we have no luck on our own.

We definitely need and want to have more sex and yes, I fully believe Tom when he says he can get to the point where he gets off every time we have sex. I believe this after how right he proved to be in saying we could get him on top, off in the first place, etc. I just think it may take many months, but like he said to remind myself, I cannot know this for sure. I may be wrong when I say I think it’ll take a long time for him to do. Or maybe I’ll be right. Don’t know. Time will tell.

We do agree with Marla - we choose to help ourselves get me pregnant. I ain’t giving up no more. I shall fight tooth and nail for what I, he or we want, whether or not it comes quick and easy, or over time with lots of hard work. Tom and Marla are right - we deserve happiness, we deserve our dreams, and we don’t have to be childless by fate.

That story Marla told me about that woman Linda knows sounds horribly scary and painful where the baby kicked through the womb.

Later…

Right now I feel a little dizzy. Or would lightheaded be the proper word?

I was surprised to spot some mistakes in Marla’s letter to me. No hyphen in between the words ‘self’ and ‘esteem’ and she put an apostrophe in the wrong kind of ‘its’. Still, she is an excellent typist/writer. Especially when compared to people like Fran, Bob, Alex and Tammy.

Tom took care of unpacking a few new games I zapped over.

He says he still feels like he was just getting over his cold, only to get hit with a new one. I worry about him. I hope he’ll be OK. I’d literally die if anything ever happened to him.

He’s been grouchy a bit here and there, but I understand. I only wish I didn’t talk so much. I should really work on not overwhelming him with so much show and tell when he first wakes up. He’s overwhelmed enough what with his cold and Christmas coming up. I should understand, too, cuz I really like to be left alone myself when I first get up. I need more time than he does. I need an hour or two to just be left alone.

I also should try harder to take his advice when he says that it’s not that I have to really change myself or hold things in, but lessen the kid talk. He says we can discuss it, but we have to live life and not put all our energies into making a kid. This doesn’t mean he won’t or can’t do whatever we may need to after the holidays are out of the way. We really don’t want to make any kind of plans till after the New Year.

He has a point about living life, but a lot of the time, I feel like I don’t have enough of a life to live and too much time on my hands. Well, when I feel this way, I try to do the things I enjoy, besides stuff that needs to be done around the house.

I agree with him as far as taking any old out-of-the-house job at this time. I don’t know about the future, but right now it would eat our money initially and rob us of a lot of our time together. It’d make it harder for any needed appointments, too. It would make my free time more special, though. Perhaps too special and I don’t think a job is worth it. A kid, yes. That’d be worth any free time being special. Besides, we’re not like Tammy and Bill or other couples, necessarily. If one of us really needed free time, I’m sure the other could help with that. If he needed free time on the computer, I’m sure I could entertain the kid in another room. Neither of us would be able to wake up in peace, though. Maybe we could take turns with that.

Yesterday, it was my left nipple’s turn to have that weird burning feeling. Also, my rag, which was a typical 3-day rag (although very light), is over.

I told Tom we should wait till after the holidays too, to screw again, but he said that wasn’t what he wanted to do. OK, I told him. I’m not only used to not doing/having what I want, but I truly love him so very much that I want to do whatever I can do to make him happy and what he wants, whether I like it or not.

Marla went through a lot of shit in her life too, and like me, wishes she had Evan a long time ago like I wish I had Tom a long time ago. She wishes Andy had Mr. Right, too.

Is she serious, though? Andy had told me the boys really put a strain on their marriage and that Evan would get jealous of the attention she gave the kids (what else is new?).

Marla has a point too, when she mentions God having a hand in our sexual orientations. I agree with that.

I heard, also, that Ma treated me better than Larry and Tammy due to her guilt over my ear when I was really little. Then, I personally think she treated me worse. She didn’t send Larry or Tammy away or have them doped up. Better to have stayed home with the negative, insensitive bitch than to have been put away in funny farms, schools, and foster homes, but I’m glad I met Anna and Harry.

Tom and I have been playing the doggie mug game. He picks a different one out every day for hot chocolate. He’s picked 3 out of the 10 so far, so he’s got 7 more to go.

Every day I’ve been emptying our little pail into the big blue dumpster they gave us which’s out in the corner of the patio. That’s my job. Late tonight, I’ll reply to Marla’s letter.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 1996 I was not only gonna say how each period gets lighter but how I also hadn’t had the grand finale but I just did. I usually spot the first day, have a healthier flow the next day, then nothing for a while on day 3, then a few final spots. I had a weird experience last Saturday or Sunday that I don’t remember ever having before. I suddenly felt a strong and steady pain in a small area (seemingly my uterus), that felt like immense cramps. Between Tom and two Ibuprofen, it went away after about 20 minutes.

Another thing Marla pointed out is that you get breathers between contractions, unlike period cramps. True, but I still can’t imagine drugless, natural childbirth being half as easy for me as she says it was for her.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1996 Well, they finally delivered our recycling pail. We agreed, though, we’re not gonna make a big deal of it. Obviously, glass jars, soda cans, and shit like that are recyclable, but if we’re not sure, we’ll just throw them in the regular pail.

On Sunday, next door threw the quietest party ever. There was no music, ball playing or loud yelling. I would’ve easily slept through it. I hope all their parties are like this where they keep themselves inside their place and not take their party out directly by our windows. These are definitely summer people, so I’m sure that from around May to Labor Day, there’ll be some major outbursts.

Bunny finally had to go into the bomb tank. She was well on her way out of Piggy’s cage when I finally realized there was no keeping her in there. So, after I put her in Piggy’s old aquarium, I put the screen over it, taped two sides of it to the glass, then tucked the other two sides under the cage. I also put heavy boxes on top. Something I couldn’t do with the other cage.

I can’t wait till their new cage is built!

Once again, this period is so light and while my boobs aren’t sore anymore, I never lost my water weight gain. I still weigh the same before, during, and after my rag. I gotta do something about this. Otherwise, in a few months, I’ll steadily weigh 108, then a few months later I’ll weigh 110 for a while and this will go on till I’m 130-150 pounds all over again.

There is a part of me that’s doing a lot better, though. My hair. Yes, I still have some split ends, but not as many, and I really believe this will prevent split ends before they start. Anyway, all of it, from roots to ends, is so much softer. It looks and feels much healthier. Even when I don’t straighten it, it no longer feels like straw and it’s not so frizzy anymore, either.

Later…

I’m still not as happy as I’d like to be now. I still have that doomed, hopeless feeling and it’s got me both sad and angry. Marla’s been a good listener through AOL. She told me about Linda, which I already knew, of course, and told me to get tested and do whatever it takes. I told her that that’s what we intend to do, but I also told her, that even though Tom disagrees, what my belief is about God, curses, punishments and how you can’t fight fate and that I fully believe it’s not meant to be.

What she had to say about childbirth shocked the shit out of me. She thought it was gonna be so painful, but she says she had no drugs and that it was easy. She said she only ripped 2-3 stitches down there but wasn’t sore down there at all. Of course not as she's huge? Me? I’m so small that if I could have a kid regularly, there’d be no way I wouldn’t be in utter pain and not rip to pieces, cuz I’m small and sensitive. Maybe not as sensitive as I used to be, and yes, I may be a toughie to a big degree, but not like that. Back when there were no drugs, which I hear doesn’t help much, how could people push a kid out through the agony of a torn pussy?

She said that easy births run in her family, but that Linda had a long, painful ordeal. Well, of course she did. She fought God and had in vitro. She fought God and won, though, and got him to break down and give in. He wouldn’t even do that for me. If he did, though, I’m sure he’d make it the worst possible labor anyone could have, in exchange for giving in, and I probably wouldn’t be able to shit or pee for weeks. Even worse, he’d probably make sure I really did have to have a C-section, so I could still feel like I didn’t experience the process naturally and do my job right, so to speak. I still wish he’d give in for me, too, whether I had an excruciating vaginal birth or a C-section. He won’t even go so far as to let me get pregnant.

Like I said, 90% of my life is what God says it is. I just have no say at all when it comes to making major decisions about my life or body. It’s all up to him.

I’m on a liquid diet till Saturday, but who knows if he’ll let me have my way with that? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was pregnant, cuz my body’s just like it was before my rag (even my emotions are). Except for the sore boobs and pre-cramps being gone, I just never lose my post-period water weight gain anymore. I still keep bouncing between 104-106.

So this is what Tom’s cum has done for me - not made me pregnant, but has made my period light, made me constantly watery and I look like shit. I look like I weigh 120. Well, if I don’t do anything about it (that is, with God’s permission), it’ll get up there eventually. As long as I can never have a child, there’s no reason why I should be fat. I know it’s got something to do with Tom’s cum, but I certainly don’t want him to go back to not cumming, either, even if we didn’t want a kid, so I can feel inadequate in bed again. He’s been right about the cumming issue, but I just hope it doesn’t take another two years to step up in bed to where he’s cumming more than once or twice a month.

My body’s acting like it did in my late teens - early 20s. I just look at food and gain a pound or two. I’ve got to reverse my thyroid and speed up my metabolism, so I can go back to staying at the same weight, no matter what I eat and how much I eat. If I can just get down to 98 pounds, I should look and feel much better and my clothes should fit me better. Meanwhile, I suppose I should try to tighten things up since except for the arms, that doesn’t seem to come as naturally anymore.

I’m just so fucking pissed, it isn’t funny. I’m sick of having no control. Will God ever let me do something I really, really want to do soooo very, very bad?! I just wish he’d leave me the fuck alone and let me live my own life the way I want it to be. Everything’s got to be his way and I’m just so sick of it! I just want to live for Jodi for once and do what Jodi picks out as far as her destiny or occupation goes. I’m tired of knowing what I want, wanting it really bad, doing whatever I can do to get it, and having him say no and throw it up in my face. If I’m such a piece of shit to God and if he hates me so much, why does he bother with me? I’m tired of having to be his little piece of clay that only he can mold into whatever he wants. I’m tired of being his slave.

I just wish to hell I knew Tom was gonna be as right about this as he was about the cumming. If he was right, when would that be, though? How many years from now? Would I be around 35? Would I be around 40? Better later than never, but I’m sick of waiting. Why can’t anything ever come easy and quicker to me? Why is it that I never get 90% of what I want and the things that I do get that I want take years? I’ve wanted this long enough. We shouldn’t have to wait. We don’t deserve to wait. Oh, I know, we’re not 16, we didn’t kill anyone, rob a bank, or sell crack, but can God ever do anything fair? Is he that miserable himself, that he has to make most people miserable, too? If he was such a good loving God like people say he is, then why doesn’t he prove it? Why doesn’t he be fairer? Why doesn’t he listen to me when I’ve talked to him? Why does he ignore most of us like he doesn’t give a shit or care and like our problems/dreams mean nothing to him?

I just wish I could see into the future and see if Tom’s right about us having no problem at all getting me pregnant, but I’m still pretty sure that if I could see into the future, I wouldn’t like what I was seeing at all. If only I could see what he sees, though. If only I could see a miracle and eat my words. That’d make all this waiting a lot easier to deal with.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1996 I sure do have a lot to write about and most of it isn’t very good. Let me get the other things out of the way before I get into the same old shit.

We’re making a family calendar for Christmas. Tom went over to Ma’s to videotape her photo albums. We’re getting ma puzzles, but anyway, we’re gonna have family pictures by each month and a picture of those whose birthdays or anniversaries are on certain dates.

I got restocked on my markers and did a couple of really neat envelopes for Larry. On the front of one of them, I did a line of crayons all lined up and wrote the names of their colors on them, just like they are written on crayons. I also did one of a nighttime desert scene on the back. That one, Tom really loved. He liked the crayons a lot but thought the desert scene was excellent.

I started this desert scene on the living room wall across the back of the couch.

Tom’s cold is just starting to taper off, but Larry sure had quite a cold when I called him last night.

Larry says they warmed up again to 40°, but that it’s to get cold again. I gave him my laugh, anyway.

We got a few Christmas cards from Tom’s family and I got a card from Kim today, too.

I just did up letters to Larry and Kim.

The John Saul fan club thing I sent away for was returned to me, cuz that address was closed out.

I renewed our library books by phone.

I think that’s the trivial stuff that’s been going on.

Anyway, the reason why I haven’t been too happy, naturally, is cuz of that faithful red friend I knew I’d get. It started last night. Tom said this could be good, cuz we screwed when I was 14 days after my period, so all this means is that we didn’t hit it right and I wasn’t on a 28-day cycle. I know what this means. That God still hates me and will never love me enough to bless us with a child.

Anyway, he had just gone to bed last night before 8:00 and I decided to watch a movie. So, I sat down to do so and of course, the first set of commercials had to be all about pregnancy tests. Then I felt wet down there, went to check, and saw that it was starting. So this was an instant end to my good mood. Then the next set of commercials was about the power of prayer. The only power I have from prayer is the power for them to be unheard and unanswered. I thought it just wouldn’t be fair if I’d gotten a period, but even Andy agrees that God controls our bodies and that life’s not fair. It’s like it’s deliberately designed to be unfair.

The thing about it is that for about two days prior to my period, even I had a slightly positive vibe picking up. The scale said 106 steadily and my boobs were so sore and I was so watery that even I began to wonder. Stupid me, though. The thought of having a child brought tears of joy to my eyes as I realized how complete I’d feel to have such a great husband and a child. I kept telling myself I was a silly little dreamer and to get real and then reality came alright Even my horoscope said to hang onto reality and don’t do too much wishful thinking. Tom would agree with the part telling me to reevaluate and change my belief system, though.

God just doesn’t want me to move on. He’s so determined to keep me right where I am.

I just don’t see how Tom can believe I’m fine and that we just haven’t hit it right yet. He says that he too, feels that same emptiness and void I feel, but due to the fact that he believes our dream will be granted, he’s not as upset as I am. OK, I know he’s cum only about 8 times since last July, but he’s done so 10 days after my period, 12 days after it, 14 days after it, 15 days after it, 16 days after it, and about 18 days after it that I know of. One of these should have hit it right. I know something’s wrong. I asked him if he thought that maybe I could be one of those women who just never ovulate and he said no, cuz that’s just so unusual. Then all the more likely this is for me since being unusual is the highlight of my life.

So, this is the deal we made, which I also told Andy. In March I’ll be going for a PAP and at that time I’ll casually mention we’ve been trying for several months and haven’t hit it right and see if they’ve got any suggestions for us. I’m sure, though, that they’re not gonna suggest anything we haven’t already heard of. If we ever stood a chance in hell, he’d need to cum 5-7 days in a row during that time frame and I told him I just can’t see him doing this. He says, though, that his amount of cumming will increase and that he’ll eventually be getting off every time we have sex, then he reminded me I also could never see him ever cumming or us getting him on top. True, and I hope I’m dead wrong and that he’s totally right when he says that for March we’ll need to turn around and make me an appointment with an OB.

Anyway, he and I agreed to do whatever we need to. He’s willing to get tested, go through in vitro, etc. However, I still say you can’t fight fate and that not us, nor any doctor, nor God could ever help us to get this child that just isn’t meant to be. Yes, I fear punishment from God for rebelling against what he’s set my fate out to be, but I guess that at this point, like I told Tom and Andy, I’d rather take whatever punishments God’s gonna dish out to me cuz he can’t punish me any further than he already has. I still know, though, that this void will never be filled. I’ll always live with this empty, incomplete, cheated feeling.

Andy’s glad we’re gonna be going to a doctor and he says that it’s not that he doesn’t believe what I have to say as far as my 6th sense, my woman’s intuition, and the DES, but that he’ll really believe whatever a doctor has to say. He reminded me about his sister Linda who needed in vitro. But Linda’s not a DES daughter. See, I think that the problem with DES daughters isn’t that the egg can’t be fertilized, it’s that the tissue lining the cervix and uterus is so inflamed, that the embryo can’t get a grip on the wall of the uterus.

Andy asked me how I can be sure that Tom isn’t shooting blanks. Cuz if he was, God couldn’t have used him to tease me with that spot attack last August. I know he’s fine.

Andy said that even if a doctor told me yes, I’m sterile, that should help to really finalize it in my mind so I can move on. Yeah, I suppose, but in my mind, it’s already final enough. I fully believe 1997 will definitely be the year that this thing fully plays itself out. A miracle is either gonna happen and I’ll be proven more wrong than I ever was before, or a doctor will confirm my worst beliefs and fears.

I really believe the doctor will be telling us he’s fine and that there’s nothing he can do for me, so we should look into adoption. Andy said I should adopt a black baby since I’m not prejudiced and since there are so many out there who need homes and that God would love me doubly for it. First of all, God never has and never will love me 1 ounce and adoption is fine, but it’s not for me. If I can’t have my own - forget it.

I’ll have to choose between the two choices I’ve always had and will only always have - do I work doing some loser job, or do I just stay the way I am and clean the house and do my hobbies? Tom and I also agreed that come March, I’ll decide this.

Why should I settle, though, and live the life God wants me to live? I swear this body doesn’t belong to me. It’s God’s body. Everything of mine is his. His body, his mind, his life. Nothing’s up to me. Nothing belongs to me.

Anyway, Andy was a really good listener last night. I certainly didn’t want to wake Tom up with his cold, which is coming to an end now (it’s a miracle that I didn’t catch his cold!). Andy offered to treat me to Denny’s, but he got tied up at Quinn’s place. This worked out well, though, cuz I was just too drained physically, cuz my emotions just totally exhausted me. I ended up sleeping 12 hours, which I really needed. Especially since I had only slept 6-7 hours the previous two nights.

Got another letter from Marla who said she understood being sterile is personal and she doesn’t mean to pry or hurt me. I told her, though, that there’s nothing I haven’t been asked or heard, so she can ask me anything she wants to, and I told her the scoop on the DES and our plans for March. I also told Tammy, too.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1996 Just got done brushing my teeth and flossing them, too. After getting them all so clean, I want to keep up on them. Instead of just brushing them once daily, I want to brush them twice daily and floss them weekly. I’m also using the tooth whitener Kim sent eons ago.

I had some pretty serious pre-cramps for a minute there. Felt like my period was just 5 minutes away.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1996 Tom’s cold has set in. Hopefully, he’ll be better soon.

I’m still doing well with my teeth.

The pre-cramps are back. I had a few today, a few 2 days ago and a lot 3 days ago. Well, this half-woman will surely be ragging soon enough. If I rag on Wednesday, that’ll push me further into phase 3. So, let’s see, phase 1, when he didn’t cum at all, lasted about 3 years. Phase 2, where he cums once or twice a month, lasted about 6 months. Phase 3, where I can see that I’m sterile by not conceiving, will last forever and I’ll be deeper into it with each passing year. I need to go as deep as I can go to continue to help get me through this and move on however I can and even if it does mean a new curse. Due to being totally sure I’m sterile, I do hope for my period on Wednesday, to push me deeper into that final phase.

Got another message from Marla. She says she’s paying for that trip to Hawaii with a cold. That’s something God would do - let someone win a trip, then compensate them with a cold.

Looks like they just went to bed next door. There were lights on about 10 minutes ago and I thought I heard him rummaging through his car, but now the lights are off. I hope they stay the way they have been and don’t turn up the music and throw a few parties from May to September like they did before.

Anyway, Marla didn’t have much to say. She did ask me how I could be fine after having wisdom teeth pulled. She said she had all 4 of hers yanked when she was 17 and that she suffered for months and that childbirth was easy compared to that. Really?! I thought nothing was more painful than childbirth. Well, it sounds like her wisdom teeth were impacted.

I began drawing a new round of envelopes for Jenny. I usually do 5 at a time.

Almost down to 4 more days left till I get my best friend who loves me sooo much and who’s ever so faithful and dependable. Even though I’d prefer to get it on Wednesday, I may get it early cuz physically I’m really, really PMSing. The fucking scale said 106 earlier cuz I’m so bloated. If I hit 110, I’ll starve myself.

Shall I pray to God for my period so I can feel loved by him? Nah, I know he really hates me. Also, there’s nothing to pray for. My periods are inevitable. Totally etched in stone.

Once again Tom contradicted himself. When I had that spot attack, he told me he’d have been a bit concerned if my period hadn’t been different in some way. Oh yeah? Well, this is news to me cuz I asked him earlier if he’d be worried if all my periods had been normal since he began getting off and his answer was no. Not at this point.

Trust me - 10 years from now, he’ll still say everything’s fine - we just haven’t hit it right yet.

On January 1st, I’m gonna begin working out again, and am gonna stick to it no matter how boring it is.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1996 Those wisdom teeth are gone! Finally. They can’t bug me anymore every month or so like they had been for the last two years or so. Anyway, I ended up needing no sedation at all. No laughing gas or IV sedation. Just the Novocain. I was first brought into a room where this lady cleaned my teeth. What a difference! They look and feel so much better and they can actually be flossed now without getting hung up on built-up gunk. She didn’t use the ultrasonic machine, cuz she didn’t think I needed it. She hand-scaled the teeth with that pick they use. Then she polished them, then flossed them.

Then I was moved to another room for the extractions. It wasn’t like when I had the first two pulled, but at least it wasn’t painful. He just had to apply a lot of pressure, cuz they were a little crooked, unlike the others.

In East Longmeadow, the dentist who pulled my teeth did it in about 5 minutes. She just did 3 quick shots of Novocain and then it only took her 3 seconds to pull one tooth, then another 3 seconds to pull the other tooth, but this was different. He first swabbed on some numbing stuff that’s like Anbesol. Then he did give me 3 different Novocain shots, but he held the Novocain gun in position for several minutes after he did each shot. Then he left the room for about 10 minutes to let it get working. This is also something new to me.

Then it came time to pull them and they were much more stubborn than the last two. Once again, the pressure was more uncomfortable, but I couldn’t feel it. It took about 40 seconds for the top one to go, then about two minutes for the bottom one to go.

Then I bit down on some gauze, but it quickly stopped bleeding. After barely an hour, it stopped oozing blood.

I saw the teeth too, and I didn’t know they were as big as they were. I could see all the grayish ugly decay that was on one of them.

So, Tom was really proud of me, and Andy couldn’t believe I just had Novocain. He needed Valium and laughing gas.

Shortly after we got home, the numbness wore off and it was a bit achy, so I took some Ibuprofen, but I’m sure I won’t need the prescription Tylenol he gave me at all. Then after a couple of hours after being home, I felt as good as new, as I do now. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know I had teeth pulled today. Guess that after breaking a bone and having my head drilled, it makes things like this pretty tolerable, but I still couldn’t have a kid naturally. I’d either go into shock or go crazy, but Tom disagrees. He thinks I’d say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. I don’t see how, though. Also, if I knew I was gonna break my arm again and couldn’t do anything to stop it, I’d be scared shitless.

Tom was so good at helping me out. He got me a milkshake and some cheesecake when he stopped at Jack-n-the-Box after bringing me home. He also said that the waiting was a breeze after having to wait for me for 5 hours when my head was rearranged.

Tom said, “I know this may sound selfish, but better you than me since you’re a toughie.” He said he’d no doubt need IV sedation. I let him know, though, that if he ever needed his teeth yanked, I’d be there to hold his hand.

We called my parents and let them know everything went well. Ma said I should’ve brought them home for the tooth fairy.

They won’t be calling on New Year’s Eve cuz they won’t be there, but we’ll talk again next year.

Now I have some weird news. I’m gonna get my period, cuz that’s logic, but the weird part is that I’ve had no pre-cramps today and my tits feel better. Usually, it builds up, then the day before your period, it eases up. I wonder if this means I’ll get my period tomorrow. That’d be 5 days early, though.

Tom just thinks it’s only a matter of us hitting it right and that if he got off in me when I was ovulating, I’d probably be pregnant.

I just remembered something Kim told me. I had asked her if a woman gets laid 14 days after her period, wouldn’t she be pregnant? Kim said, yes, if she’s on a 28-day cycle. In other words, if I get my period on the 18th, that’d be really bad and that’d really prove my belief right all the more, cuz that’d be a 28-day cycle.

I just wish God would give Tom and I a break! We really do deserve it with all the shit we’ve been through since we’ve known each other, let alone all our lives.

Anyway, he and I checked out those games I downloaded and most of them are so cool. Tom showed me how to unzip, unpack and install them. He even likes some of them, too. A lot of them have really nice graphics and colors and one of them has really pretty music to it. I got lots of dice games, card games, shapes games and puzzle games.

I went on AOL an hour ago and on my buddy list, which tells you if anyone on your list is currently online, I saw that Alex was online. I sent him an instant message and he sent one back. After sending each other a few messages, we said goodbye and went back to doing what we were doing.

I also got a reply from Marla, which I read to Andy, as she asked me to. She and her husband won a contest for a trip to Hawaii. Lucky them! Other than that, she has a cold, just like Tom does, but Tom’s always got something going on with him when there’s something going on with me. Anyway, she told me about going snorkeling in Hawaii and just stuff like that. It was nice hearing from her for once.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 1996 Awesome! I went to AOL to see if I could find some interesting games. I like games that are fairly simple, yet fun and challenging enough without lots of detail in their graphics. So I went to the kid’s games and found tons of neat stuff. It all takes just over an hour to download. Can’t wait till Tom can unzip and unpack them, cuz this is something I don’t know how to do. I do know how to delete games that I don’t like, though.

Kim called last night and I got an email from Alex. Both say they’ve got tons of snow. Of course, I rubbed into them how beautiful it’s been here at nearly 80º.

I’ll probably get a letter from Kim today. She can’t type me any letters yet. Her mom gave her an ancient computer and soon she’ll get her ancient printer.

No pre-cramps yet today, but I had them yesterday and then, even more, the day before. Still I’m 1000% sure to get my period in about a week.

After the first of the year, I’m gonna get all the birthday cards I’ll need for January - February. Those will be for Larry, Lisa, Jenny, Sandy and Andy.

Later…

I finally finished my proofreading project. Now Tom can make backups again.

No mail from Kim, but I got a Chanukah card from Larry and his family.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1996 Once again, I’m as sterile as I always knew I’d be. For the last two days, I’ve felt pre-cramps and you know you can’t have one without the other. Meaning, pre-cramps and periods go hand in hand. It’d be like trying to have feet without legs. The good side to having those inevitable monthly rages is that in 8 days I’ll get some tit relief. They’ve been very sore.

Once again, Tom’s in denial, telling me we can never know when I ovulate, everything’s fine and we’ll have a kid someday. Is he that blind to reality, or does he really just not want to deal with it?

Now that God’s graduated me to the final step after so long, it’s time for me to start seriously thinking about what to do with my life. It’s obvious I don’t have a destiny, cuz while God kept a child from me, he hasn’t led me into anything else. I have no idea what he wants me to do or what I’m supposed to do. Guess I’m still meant to do nothing and to just keep things the way they are, cuz I still don’t want to settle, either. Most people, like Tom and Andy, may have no choice, but if staying home means not doing something my heart isn’t into, then I’m sure that’s what I’ll always do.

I did a little bit of ‘roof picking’ from the yard and some more proofreading. I only have about 8 left to go.

It’s actually kind of hot out there today.

I think the freeloaders haven’t been home today or yesterday. Someone’s been there daily, cuz I see lights on, but it seems that for the last few weeks, the asshole’s been gone Monday - Wednesday. If so, I hope this continues. They’ve really been great since around Labor Day.

I cleaned like hell yesterday, so for now, I think I’ll go read and do some word puzzles.

Later…

Yup, the time has surely come to be compensated for those wonderful few days and to be slapped back into reality. I’m so mad right now! All I want to do is sit here and bash God right now. I hate him sooo much! In fact, I’m so mad right now, that I can’t even concentrate.

Later…

Tom managed to cheer me up, even though we still believe differently about a kid in our lives and about God.

Tom also took the blinds down from outside the living room window. Then he fixed its inner blinds which were half off the rod. Afterward, I put tinfoil in the window. So now all the windows are foiled, except for the back room.

I also tried out a game I downloaded from AOL, but it sucked. Too much like a math project.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1996 Wow! I got a reply from John Saul and he gave me his website info. I called Tammy and told her about it and I’ll mention it to my folks in my next letter to them.

I checked out his website, which was nice.

Also, we were curious and looked to see if there were any Ronstadt or Estefan members. There was an Evelyn Estefan in Miami, whoever the hell that is. Also, Linda’s niece Melinda and her brother Mike, both in Tucson, are members.

The backyard looks great. Going out for a ciggie now.

Later…

What a gorgeous day it’s been. It nearly hit 80º. It’s been nice and quiet, too.

My search of the Internet for anything on Norah (Jenny Seagrove) turned up nothing. Guess Tom and I will have to search together, but it’ll be more fun that way.

Tom’s been off to a wonderful start on his Chanukah present to me. Yesterday was a really fun and productive day.

He managed to scrape off the sticker that was on the back of this book. I wish they’d quit putting stickers on journals.

The only other thing I’d like Tom to do is to take the blinds down from outside the living room window. The last of the monsoons really tore them up and half of the blinds are scattered all over the front patio.

Now this pen’s dying. He may be bringing me home a new one, or else I’ll just have to ballpoint it. He’s at his ma’s now and he’s pretty sure she’ll pay him for helping her out. She can drive herself to work, but she needs help getting new curtains.

There goes those fucking dogs. I swear if I didn’t know any better I’d say they were in our yard and not two yards away.

Later…

Got a new pen. Just in time, too.

Tom’s home now and we just got done discussing plans for the pig and bun’s new cage. Rather than having one that’s 4’ x 4’, we’re gonna make it 8’ x 2’.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1996 Tom’s out getting groceries but will be back soon.

The last few days sure have been wonderful and surprising. I just hope to hell I’m not in for any killer compensation. Getting my period on the 18th should be enough. It’d be nice if it were the other way around, though. This should be my compensation for all the tough times I’ve had! (having this lucky spell).

We’re gonna screw when he gets back. I wonder if he’ll cum. It seems too soon, though, and I figure he won’t cum till right before my period. Hope I can eat my words, though. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I’m on an “eat my words” streak.

If I get a journal as a gift from someone, I don’t care if they’re ugly or duplicates, but no, I wouldn’t have picked the 4 my parents sent me. Instead of describing them as old or ugly looking, I’d describe this one as cute and the next 3 as different and interesting, cuz they’re from someone else.

Later…

I don’t have that much to write now, cuz soon we’ll be screwing.

I still don’t see why he has to always make “pre-sex duties.” He says he does it so he doesn’t have to worry about feeling like he has to take a dump during sex, but I still wonder about it. How can you time when you’re gonna take a dump, anyway? You can’t make yourself shit if you don’t have to.

Now that we can stay on AOL as long as we want, we did some interesting research, but I’ll get into it later.

Later…

Well, no eating my words about the last thing I wrote about. He didn’t cum. He will, though, in about a week.

We just ate some of the pies he made. One vanilla one and one chocolate one. We had some of the vanilla one, but it tasted like butterscotch. It was still really good.

Right now he’s watching some TV while I write. Later we’ll do some yard work. He’s gonna hammer up the last piece of wood over a portion of the patio with which he had run out of wood to cover. He’s also gonna cut a notch in it for the flag to go through. We’re gonna fix the flag with the flag unfurler (is that even a word?) that my folks sent and he’s also gonna edge, trim the hedges and clean up the patio a bit. Then, I’ll continue on with picking up shit from out there every so often.

My weight has still been the same as it has been since around last August. That’s another way I know that nothing hooked, cuz by now I’d have a few extra pounds of water on me. I also don’t “sense” or feel anything different about my body. The only weird experience was the day my nipples burned, but it hasn’t happened again since.

What did we do on AOL? Well, we were finally able to find out that that song of Linda’s called Dreams to Dream is from a soundtrack called An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. I was also shocked to see that she’s been on 108 albums. That many?! These extra songs I didn’t know about, though, are either from soundtracks or her doing backup on other people’s albums.

We also checked into information about John Saul and found that quite a few people had comments to make about him. Even more shocking, he has his own email address. It’s gotta be him, cuz he said he used the name John Saul, lives in Seattle, was born in 42, and lists his occupation as a writer.

In fact, I’m gonna go leave him a message now, and one for Marla, too.

Later…

OK, I just left Marla a message, but I’m pretty sure I won’t hear back from her. She’s too busy. In fact, I don’t see how any mom could have the time to play around on a computer.

I also left John a message. I told him I wasn’t sure if he was the one who wrote all those great books, but that he’s a fantastic writer, anyway. I also asked him about the set of 6 books I hear he’s supposed to be putting out. I told him that my husband basically reads computer books, but that I was gonna convince him to read his books one of these days. From what I’ve heard, Black Lightning, his latest book that I haven’t read yet, is a bore. I hope not, but there were about 3 other books of his that were sort of a bore.

I wonder if he’ll reply to my message, but I doubt it. He’s probably a very busy person. Hopefully, I’ll hear from his fan club soon.

Tom also created what’s called a buddy list. That tells you if any of the people you have in your address book come online while you’re online, like Tammy or Alex.

Tom’s out fixing up the last touches to the roof over the patio.

Earlier, we also ordered another CD for me for just $2. This is from Columbia House. That fucked up record club we’re in. You can order from this shady club on AOL. I got another old Linda CD.

Yesterday I chatted with Larry, Tammy, and my folks and that was nice.

Tammy says they got a huge snowstorm and naturally, I burst out laughing. She said driving was miserable and that there were tons of accidents. Well, the accidents are no laughing matter, but it sure sounds like they got much more than just a dusting of snow. I told her to be careful driving. She wouldn’t want to be killed and not be around to hear my laugh she loves so much. She was like, yeah right! So, I let her know how nice it is here. It’s a lot nicer than it was a couple of days ago.

When I talked to Larry, his son was there, too. I started off by saying I’d heard about the snowstorm and burst out laughing. Then he kept upping the amount of snow and cold to get me to laugh more and he said they were gonna get 6 feet of snow by the weekend.

Larry also read me the funniest Christmas poem, but I can’t remember it. I told him to type it up for me and send me a copy of that and some other poem, but I know he won’t. It was so funny, too. It was dirty with all kinds of swears. All I remember is something about Ma being a whore, Dad smoking grass and in a Christmas sock, a big rubber dick for his brother who’s queer, and Santa blowing up the chimney with one great fart that ripped the chimney apart.

I talked to his son briefly, too. He’s lucky, cuz he says he loves the snow.

I don’t know if Tammy got her mugs yet due to the snow, but Mom and Dad did and they love them. I called them again, cuz I just had to thank them for my journals. I was flying for quite a while after receiving them.

They say Tom’s got a Christmas present coming.

They also had a picture frame that matched two of the journals (the ones with stamps). She said to leave it blank and that there’s a reason for it, so obviously she’s sending some picture for it.

Also, I told her I had tried to reach Marty and Ruth and she said I could send them a Chanukah card, but that they acknowledged my letter and know I made a "mistake” in my “accusation” towards them. In other words - don’t call, cuz they still don’t want to know me and they’re still hung up on our past problems.

Fine with me.

Later…

Just got a hold of Tammy, who got the mugs and said never to write their address on boxes with markers again, cuz the snow washed part of it off. Also, she says I looked awful and Tom looked fine. I don’t know if she was joking about my looking awful, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she were serious, cuz I really did look awful. Just about every picture I’ve ever taken looks shitty. So, I told her we were microwave and dishwasher safe, so not to worry about zapping us or throwing us in the dishwasher.

We didn’t talk long, cuz she was doing paperwork. One of her patients is almost out the door, but that’s her job; to deal with people dying of cancer. I know she can relate to these people after Bill went through his ordeal, but I’d think she wouldn’t want to be reminded of cancer patients and see what they go through, after dealing with what Bill’s gone through. Hasn’t she had enough of the subject?

Later…

We just put the new stuff on the flag to make it pivot and not get all wrapped up and got the flag up. It looks nice. I’ve got one up there now with white flowers on a pink background.

Gotta go check the mail.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1996 I have so very, very much to write about. I hope to hell I can remember everything cuz the last couple of days have been the best in so very long. God, I needed this break! And I needed this string of great luck!

The night before last, Andy sang me the funny farm song and a few clips from other songs. He even wrote a love song about Quinn that he sang on his machine. He played that for me and it was so well written, as usual.

The happiest part of my birthday was when Tom came. I couldn’t believe it! Boy, was ever wrong for the better, huh? I know what this means, though. It’s time for phase 3. That final step. It’ll be a miracle if God changed his mind and allowed me to get pregnant now and that would be the ultimate way for me to really eat my words, but I know better. I don’t see my period on the 18th and I haven’t had any dreams about it, but I’m sure that I’ll sense my period stronger as we get closer to the 18th. How I wish I could be dead wrong yet again in the greatest way ever! Stop it Mystery, don’t dream too much!

Still, it was so nice to get both second-best birthday wishes and first-best birthday wishes granted. I thought that if I got really damn lucky, he’d screw me without getting off, during one of the prime conception days. I never imagined we screw this much and that he’d get off, too. Today we’re building up for some more fun tomorrow. He’ll break another record if he cums tomorrow, cuz he usually only cums once every couple of weeks.

The feeling I had yesterday, and even today, is just wonderful. It’s so great to feel like such a winner who’s having everything work out great and not be blinded by feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration. I needed this change so bad. I was so overdue for it. I hope God really will have a change of heart and let me move on. He’s “tested” me enough.

Also, there’s no more room in my mind for doubting Tom. There’s no way he’d have cum yesterday if he really wanted to stall the kid and remember, he thinks I’m perfectly fine, as far as my plumbing goes.

Yes, I fear compensation for this wonderful spell, cuz that’s just how life works, but I hope that this great feeling lasts longer. It’s so great to once again feel like God may not hate me that much after all. Like I said, though, I’m not sure how he’s gonna end this baby quest thing. I could have a regular period, I could spot, I could get pregnant and lose it or I could suddenly need a hysterectomy. We’ll just have to wait and see which one happens, but I’m pretty sure I’ll just keep having regular periods. Tom said not to worry if I get a period, cuz we can’t know when I’m ovulating, so don’t give up. I’m sorry, though, but any woman who went through that “change” at my age and who doesn’t get pregnant at this time, is definitely sterile.

Anyway, when Tom left me a happy birthday message two nights ago, he said something about screwing up something. He went into his little room in back and pulled out two journals I already have that are the same as 99 and 111 (cats). That’s fine, though, and I wondered what was taking so long as far as someone getting me one I already had. I mean, I’ve been writing for just over 9 years, and have over 125 journals, so I figured that it’d have to happen anytime now. I could change the cover, but why bother? They’re nice covers.

I got another dupe journal from Andy, too, but I’ll get into that later.

So, Tom cleaned the printer with alcohol on the morning of the 4th and I used my pretty new paper to do letters up to my folks, Tammy & Bill, Lisa, Becky & Sarah, Kim and Andy. Soon, I’ll do one for Larry.

Also, my parents called yesterday and we really did have a very pleasant chat. Ma was a lot like Dad. She didn’t seem like the typical hostile bitch she is and like she wanted to hurry me off the phone. She was even joking along with Dad. She wasn’t that all too serious, impatient tyrant. They called at 8:30 AM our time, wished me a happy birthday, and asked how Tom and his mom were.

I asked how their store was doing and it’s picking up, I guess, due to the snowbirds coming in.

Goldie and Al aren’t going down there this year. They’re going to Hawaii. Lucky them! Boo and Max are coming down. They didn’t say a word about Marty and Ruth, so I guess they don’t want to bother with me.

Whatever.

I was gonna tell them about how Larry tells me it’s freezing there, no matter what time of year it is so I can give him my laugh, but they said they knew about it. He told them.

If it’s not personal, they can usually keep a secret so I told them we sent Chanukah checks to Tammy’s kids in the amounts of their ages and they thought that was a lovely idea. Ma then said that they got checks for $275 for their ages.

Ha, ha, ha.

Dad was on TV again the other night. A rerun of America’s Most Wanted.

They were joking about them getting old and how their kids were supposed to take care of them. I told them that when they end up in wheelchairs, I’ll take them back to Woodside Terrace and roll them down that hilly street, across Locust, and down into the Mill River.

Those were the highlights of our conversation and they say they want both Tom and I to call them around the New Year. We can call as late as 11 PM their time. Dad pretty much crashes at 11:00, but Ma’s up till midnight or 1 AM watching TV or reading.

This pretty much covers yesterday’s events.

When I got up last night, there was a package from my parents. They sent two checks that were each for $25 for both my birthday and Chanukah. A birthday and Chanukah card, too.

First of all, Tom said Tammy called last night. She wanted to wish me a happy birthday, but I had crashed already. She teased me and they talked about the computers for a bit. Also, she claims to have gotten me a card, but it came back to her cuz she forgot to put a stamp on it. Right! She never got a card. I know her and she does this every year. Lisa accidentally threw it out, or it got lost, or some excuse, but that’s OK.

Ma sent mostly household items. Why do they keep sending me perfume stuff? Don’t they listen? Better yet, don’t they know their own daughter’s got allergies?

Anyway, there were about 3 perfume candles and two candleholders. I kept one of the candleholders but gave the other one and the candles to Andy. He and Laura love that kind of stuff.

She also sent some little glass bottles I had no use for, so Andy took those, too.

She sent a little pen holder that I kept and two really pretty little tiny plant pots. They’ve got flowers painted on them.

She sent 5 T-shirts and I gave one to Andy. I have sooooooo many of them. So I went and gave Tom some old T-shirts to use for rags. The T-shirts she sent, though, were really nice.

Lastly, if I’ve remembered everything, she sent stuff for fixing the part of the flagpole I broke. The round cylinder that goes around the pole to make the flag pivot and not wrap around the pole like it’s been doing.

Tom says he’s gonna mow this weekend and then we can fix the flag. I hope! Then I’ll begin picking up stray materials over the yard that were from when he was doing the roof.

Also, when I got up, Tom had left a message saying that Bunny kicked the side of the cage out and was out in the back room. I really wanted to beat the shit out of that rabbit. Better yet, throw her out back, but Tom taped the side of the cage up really well. We also discussed building their new cage, once again, and it should be cheaper than we anticipated since we can use parts from this cage. I really want to get Bunny a bunny harness and we probably will be getting that in a couple of weeks, along with just two kitty mugs, since I’m stocked up on journals. We still need to use any money we get for Christmas presents for his family and my teeth.

Miraculously, once again, it doesn’t look like Bunny hurt anything.

Tom and Andy think Bunny may be a boy and Tom thinks Piggy may be a girl. Piggy’s a boy, I still think, but yes, Bunny could be a boy.

Last night at 2 AM, Andy came over. He and I had some coffee and some spag I made, while we exchanged stuff. As I knew he would, he loved the Halloween stuff Ma sent me. He didn’t really care for the pineapple flags any more than I did, so that and one of Laura’s shirts will be left in a bag by the mailbox that he’ll mail my NPNs from.

Laura had two shirts, a long pair of gray jeans and a white pair of shorts for me. Like I said, I didn’t like one of the shirts and that’ll be by the mailbox. One of them was OK. It was a flannel, long-sleeved shirt with tiny black numbers on a pink background. I was shocked that the shorts and the pants were too big on me, as he described Laura as Brenda - tall and bone thin. Tom could wear the shorts and if I get fatter, I could wear them. The pants, I can wear with a belt, but they’re awfully long and baggy.

So, what did Andy get me? A birthday card, which I’ll copy in what he wrote in it in a minute, a candy bar, and 3 journals. He wrote on one of the pages in one of the journals, too. The journal Andy got me that I already have is the one I’m currently in with the fairies and the stars and the bumpy purple-lined paper. So, now I’ve got 3 journals that I have two copies of. They’re all really nice and it’s nice to be stocked up on journals. I have 5 blanks after I finish this fairy one.

Tom wrote a page in one of the journals he got me, too. Here’s what Andy wrote in his birthday card to me:

Dear Jodi,

To my best friend in the whole wide world! I love you. I got your birth date right this year and I sang on key too and wrote a new song all within minutes. Totally inspired by having to sing They’re Coming To Take Me Away and wanting to sing it a new way, I came up with more magic. If not for you I would not have that new song. I would have just two words lying under the jellyfish in the sand. Bee’s learn how to use algebra while stinging people playing golf in Lexington, Kentucky but right now I’m in Pompano Beach, FLA on my imaginary tour.

Andy

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1996 When I got up, stickers were waiting for me. Tom got me these and musical note computer stationery. The notes go around the border. I hope I can get him to clean the printer, cuz when I use manual feed and not the tractor, it keeps going offline. He also made me a really nice cake and I got a $31 check from his mom.

Later…

Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you, Tom, and thank you, God! I not only had not one bit of irritation this morning when we screwed, but he got off!!! I’m so psyched and so happy right now, but I’ll write more later. I’m getting kind of beat.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1996 Sex this morning was fine. I felt a bit of irritation when he first went in there, but once he got moving, no problem. He didn’t get off, but I could tell he was really close. He said he wanted to, but just couldn’t get off and that he was frustrated. Do I believe him and that he didn’t fear getting me pregnant? Yes. He really seemed truly bummed, but we’re gonna be screwing again tomorrow. I don’t expect him to get off tomorrow and grant me my wish (I’ve wished for a month he’d get off on my birthday which is mid-cycle), but at least I was wrong about suspecting he wouldn’t touch me. Wouldn’t it still be just wonderful if he did get off tomorrow? Since I still don’t see how a miracle would happen if he did, I guess that’d mean entering that final step. However, I’m sure God’s not ready for me to enter that final step and I’ve got to remind myself not to get my hopes up of him cumming tomorrow, let alone a baby. I believe that God’s not done with me yet as far as this current step I’m on, though. I don’t think he’s done either punishing me or “testing” me, but oh how I wish I could know and see that I’ll be dead wrong! Please, God! For once, won’t you have a heart and let me move on? Let me have my dream and move on? Please don’t hold me back anymore!

I also hope that given the fact that Tom should be less worried about my irritation down there, pretty horny, and that we’re at the perfect angle for him to get off, he doesn’t consciously or subconsciously fear making a kid tomorrow, he should have no problem. I just hope to hell he isn’t teasing me by getting my hopes up, but I don’t think so. I think he honestly tried today and gave it his all, and I’m pretty sure he’ll do the same tomorrow.

I just hope and I wish – oh – stop it, Mystery! Remember what dreams are for and past patterns pertaining to your wishes and dreams and the fact that God still may very well hate you and have you under a curse or some kind of punishment.

Tom told me his opinion about the saying ‘God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle’. He thinks that’s just people’s way of encouraging others. You know, as if to say, go for it! That makes more sense, like I said, due to the fact that there have been plenty of suicide and homicide victims in this world.

I contemplated praying to God about tomorrow’s sex but opted not to. Why? Cuz if he really does get mad at me when I talk to him or ask him for something, I don’t want to egg him on. Also, fate is still fate, whether I pray or not and he already knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow. I can’t change his mind about what’ll happen tomorrow, either.

I talked to Andy last night and he said that tonight he’ll sing the funny farm song. My birthday song, more or less. He’ll also be over Thursday night.

Andy gave me Marla’s screen name over AOL. I could swear I’ve tried to find her over the membership list, but couldn’t, so Tom’s gonna help me on the 6th. As of the 6th, it’ll be unlimited service at a flat-rate fee. Andy also gave her my screen name.

Tom read what I wrote in my last entry.

Anyway, I’m gonna go do some cleaning, then I’m just gonna read and do puzzles.

Later…

Thanks, God. Now I can’t even watch TV while I’m eating popcorn or potato chips. I went to turn the TV on to an old rerun of Charlie’s Angels while I ate, but the reception was screwed up. Then I went to run through an old Norah tape of edits I’d made from different movies of hers and the tape got eaten up. Ironically, right before this, I didn’t pray to God for a kid, but I prayed for him to keep the irritation away cuz we wanted to have fun and try to make a kid tomorrow and this is what I get for it. This is no coincidence, either, and no one can convince me otherwise.

Why did I even bother? This is really all my fault. I should’ve known better and instead, I got what I asked for. Trouble. I hope I get compensated for this tomorrow, somehow, but I still feel quite certain of what tomorrow will bring - sex with no cumming. Not by him anyway. Oh, how I still wish I could end up wrong!

I think I’m gonna go do some singing in a while. Meanwhile, I wonder if my parents or anyone else will call tomorrow? If they do, though, they’re not gonna get me, cuz I’ll be asleep. I’ll tell Tom to tell anyone who may call that I’ve got a slight cold; no big deal, though.

I called Mom earlier. Tom’s mom, that is, and the people behind her dumped two more bunnies. One just like my bunny and a full-grown white one that’s about 4 pounds. I wouldn’t mind having the white one, but Bunny stinks enough, so we don’t need two bunnies stinking up the place.

Ma says she really likes the puzzles I gave her. She likes number puzzles and now that she’s got a lot of them, she won’t have to worry about running out of puzzles for a while.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1996 I already know now, that yes, my suspicions of what Tom’s gonna do over the next 5 days will be correct. He’s already proven this to me and his actions are just way, way too obvious about what he’s doing. I got up last night at 10:30 and guess who was still up? He was in the bathroom which I kicked him out of cuz I had to go. Then he told me he was just on his way to bed. See? It’s like he was waiting for me. Waiting to show me how late he’s gonna be staying up so he can be all the more tired in the mornings. Yet what did he say to me yesterday afternoon? That he was going to bed fairly early. Is this the kind of man I really want to have a child with? Can he handle it any more than I could? I don’t think so. If he can contradict the things he says to me, he’s just gonna do the same to that child. If he can promise me time and time again that he’s gonna finish the back room and other projects we started, what’s he gonna promise the kid? Well, it’s obvious to me that the TV, the computer, and doing for others are more important to him than any plans we’ve made. This doesn’t help me with being more consistent with things myself and of course, I could go through the list of reasons why I would make a lousy mother, but I won’t. You already know them.

He’s just gotten way too obvious about the fact that he does not want a child. Once again, I wish he would just stick to his word and the deals we make and fully level with me. Why does he have to jerk me around like this? Does it really give him such a laugh? He’s not even gonna try and I’ll bet he’ll be up before 4 AM, too.

I did not like what I saw at all when I checked the horoscopes on AOL. Like I said, they seem to be right on when they get into all the negative stuff. They did contradict themselves, too, and make references to things working out and getting what’s wanted, but for the most part, both our readings were all about arguments, tension, and turmoil in the household, not much romance in the marriage and marriage threatened by unpleasant suspicions. Well, I certainly do have my unpleasant suspicions and they began 2½ hours before they were supposed to. Actually, they began 6 hours earlier than they were supposed to, but I should’ve known he’d be up. He’ll be up till 10:00 or 11:00 for the next 4 days or so. Even his horoscope said he’s gonna feel pressured and to not give in to it or try to fulfill impossible dreams in romance. See, anyone who’s so pressured by something they claim to want obviously doesn’t want it. I can smell the fear within him from a mile away. Well, he can rest assured, cuz once again, I don’t want to have a child with the way he is or with the way I am and the longer things stay the same, the harder it is for me to handle changes, anyway.

Now’s my chance to go along with God and maybe get some respect from him. I wonder if I should tell him when he gets up that I don’t want to have sex over the next few days and beat him to it. I’ll tell him I’ll explain this in January. He told me in January I could strike any deal I wanted with him and he’ll stick to it no matter what. Right! He couldn’t stick to anything anymore than I could. In January, I’d tell him just what I’ve written. I don’t know what to do for sure. A part of me says to not jump the gun and to just play it by ear, but I already know what’s gonna happen over the next 5 days - nothing. Why wait and see what happens when I’ve already seen it and will continue to see it?

Besides, like I said and like I know, I’m sterile, anyway. And also, dreams are dreams. Dreams are for dreaming and not for reality. If dreams were for reality, no one would have any dreams.

I just don’t know what to do or say for sure. Asking God’s useless, cuz there’s no getting help from him, that’s for sure. He and Tom already have their minds made up for me and my fate is sealed.

I wonder what Tom would do if I was all over him this morning. Let me guess - he’d say he was too tired, but if he did screw me, he’d never get off.

I told Tom before Thanksgiving that I didn’t look forward to going cuz I knew I’d be bored shitless. The night before I wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and physically and had been up 20 hours. He said that cuz I didn’t want to go, my body was making excuses. That’s just what his body and mind are doing right now.

How much do you want to bet, though, that if I told him what I just wrote, he’d deny it and say I was being cruel and that I was all wrong and turn it into an attack on me? Well, of course he’s gonna say that. Did I ever expect he’d come out and tell me, “Yes, you’re right? I stalled it all I could, due to still believing you’re fertile, but not wanting to deal with the possibility with you that you’re right about being sterile. Also, I do like to tease you and I do like to instill patience in you and try to control and change you. Also, I’m not sure I really want a kid all that bad. I had just been too afraid to tell you all this for fear that you’d leave me.”

The bottom line is this, I can’t help being angry at Tom and God. It’s the principle of the point. Even though I know I’m sterile, it still really pisses me off to see what they’re doing. It’s mean, it’s unfair and it’s depressing. I don’t want to pressure Tom into doing stuff he doesn’t want to do, but he makes it awfully hard for me when he won’t fully level with me and stick to his story or whatever he decides. Still, I have to try my hardest, harder than ever, to keep in mind that I’m sterile and just let God and Tom do their thing and not give in to it or let it get to me. This is gonna be a very hard task that I don’t know if I can ever do, but I’ve got to try.

I think what I’ll do is this. When he comes out staggering and moaning about how tired he is, that’s when I’ll tell him I don’t want to screw till after the 6th, and that I’ll explain how I feel after the first of the year.

Later…

I hate it when doctors’ offices call to reschedule appointments, cuz it’s not always easy for Tom to get me to them. We had to cancel Nielsen and bump him up to January 9th. This is cuz it’d be easier for Tom and there’s no way I could be there with the way my schedule is now. I just hope to hell I can make it to the dentist. These wisdom teeth have got to go.

Tom and I had a very nice chat this morning that really helped to clarify a lot of things in my mind and that helped make me feel much better. First of all, when he got up, it seemed like he was yawning big time and as I said before, I figured he was tired and wanted to be so it’d be impossible or hard to screw. So, I asked if we could lie down together at around 5:30, figuring that’d be enough time for him to digest. I thought then when I asked him this, there was a bit of reluctance in his voice, but he said yes. When we were lying down together, I felt tempted to tell him that I felt guilty and like I was pressuring him or making him feel uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I want the poor guy to have to feel. He said he was OK, though, so we got on with playing.

As I’ve mentioned before, I sometimes get irritation right around the opening, but it’s never prevented me from screwing before. Usually, I’m just somewhat aware of it as he first goes inside there, but once he starts moving, it’s fine. This time, though, it was pretty darn irritated from the get-go. I was gonna stop him a few different times, but then it got really uncomfortable, so then I stopped him. I was just really horny, needed to get off as I did, and didn’t want to deprive him. However, as the irritation escalated, he didn’t seem like he was into it, anyway. Panic gripped me right away after we got up. I really felt like it was God adding insult to injury (hurting me for having unprotected sex and not “obeying” him, even though I’m sterile. Also, cuz the birthday I wasn’t supposed to have is coming up). This is how I felt. Then, I let it all out about all I’d written earlier and he explained how and why I jumped the gun and he got me to see things I never saw on my own. For starters, he told me that due to my being wound up all night, that’s why the irritation was worse. I never would’ve thought of that as a reason if he didn’t point it out and he said I don’t have to wait a couple of weeks before we screw again.

At that moment, I also swore we’d always use rubbers cuz of the way I felt both he and God were either out to get me or had more on their minds about the idea of a kid than met my eye. Tom swears, though, that he isn’t trying to stall the kid, isn’t trying to change or control me before making the kid, and that the number of times we screw and screw with him getting off will increase.

He also explained to me that he wasn’t tired, he was into it, the sex was fine, and would’ve initiated sex if I hadn’t. He said that the reason he stood up last night was that he was caught up on his sleep and planned to go to bed earlier tonight, so he’d be up earlier on Tuesday. I told him I understood Tuesdays were out of the question and he said that’s not necessarily the case. That’s cool.

He told me that last night he was working on getting things done around here at a time when he felt awake enough and that there wouldn’t be any distractions. I guess he is really making more of an effort than I realized and gave him credit for, as far as getting stuff done around here and projects for us. I guess in a lot of ways, he really is more consistent than me. I couldn’t hold a job like he can.

I have mixed emotions about jumping the gun and being wrong like I was. I was wrong in a good kind of way, cuz I certainly wouldn’t want to be right about a bad feeling I had, but I feel bad about it all the same. I tried to think in my mind of ways in which it would appear in my mind that I was dead wrong. I thought of the shakes he’s been taking. I know they give him more energy, so I tried to ask myself if maybe that’s why he was awake. I think, though, from what he told me, he’s taking the shakes to have the energy for us to do stuff we like and want to do. He also likes the taste of those shakes.

Instead of getting mad at me and making us both feel worse, he really opened my eyes and made me feel better. I hope I didn’t hurt him, cuz that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do, no matter what I felt about him, and no matter if I was wrong or right. He said not to worry, things are still progressing nicely, and that we all jump the gun here and there. He's even jumped the gun on me, he told me. He said that when we were going to the dentist, he thought I’d get all worked up over it and assume the worst, but I didn’t.

I still feel, though, almost like I’ve got to be this whole different person, with a whole different set of beliefs and attitudes in order for us to have a chance at achieving our dreams. I just wish I had his attitudes, beliefs, and way of thinking. I wish I wouldn’t feel like I was gonna freak out and like it was the end of the world every other day. He says he understands, though, and is trying to make this a good week. I want it to be. I want us to be as happy as we can as often as we can. I don’t want to keep feeling like our sex lives, sex parts or reproduction parts are hexed, and that God hates me. I think Tom knows that even if said every day that I wanted to use rubbers, no matter what mood I was in, I don’t really want to do that anymore than I want to be a lawyer. I said that, though, out of fear and panic. I felt that if I didn’t, God would do something else to me or us that could be much worse than before. Tom says, though, we don’t have to use rubbers. I think he knows, too, that no matter what I say, I do want a kid, I think he does, too (more than I realize at times) and I think we both also know, that we wouldn’t quit on the kid or stall on taking care of it, just cuz I may stall on exercising and he may stall on the back room, yard or whatever. I think we both know that the more something’s important, the more we have to deal with it and keep up on it. I know, for example, that he’d never stall on getting my meds, just cuz he felt like watching TV or playing on the computer. If we put off stuff like that, then we could worry about ourselves.

I just hope from now on that I won’t get these paranoid feelings about Tom or God and that they’ll lessen, but I know I can talk to Tom as soon as they come on. And better yet I hope that our sex lives will increase in both frequency and juice volume and even better yet, I hope it produces a kid. I have my fears about a kid. We all do, and mine are just as normal as anyone else’s. However, I still want it and I still think that while it may ruin most couples, it’ll help Tom and I both together and as individuals probably more than we ever thought. I don’t know how I’d get on schedule, but if Tom says I will, I have to try to give him the benefit of the doubt, cuz he’s been right before on things I doubted would or could work out.

I also hope that I can adopt more of a wait-and-see-what-really-happens attitude. Maybe if I remind myself more often of how I swore I’d never get out here, get married, or that he’d cum, it’ll help wean me over to a maybe I can get pregnant after all kind of attitude. I hope so, but I hope even more so that it happens, cuz then I’d have no choice but to believe it. Then I could move on to fearing a miscarriage, but at least I’ll have moved on and at least I’ll be pregnant and know I can conceive.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1996 I finally got the 21 puzzle books I ordered a long time ago. Great deal for only $14. I went through them all and picked out the ones I don’t want for Ma. Also, there’s an all-number-find one I’m gonna give me and a soap opera one for Andy.

I’m gonna have a lot of stuff for Andy. When I see him soon, I’ll give him a show I taped for him and my nearly 30 NPNs to mail out. I’ll show him new journals and mugs, as well as Bunny, of course. I’ll show him the upside-down mug, too. For his birthday, I’ll give him all that Halloween stuff from my folks, the soap puzzle book, and the journal.

I took down my “self-improvement” list from the bathroom. I don’t want Andy to see it and I have it in my journal, anyway.

Got most of the laundry done and the grocery list made up. Now I’ll back up to yesterday morning.

Tom got up at 6:30 and didn’t touch me, as I figured. Before he went to bed at 9:00 last night, he did say something about how he wanted to catch up on his sleep, but we’ll see, like I said, how serious he is about that and what he has in mind.

I was very tired but managed to drag my ass outa here, nonetheless. We went to see Carol and Steven before they left for California. I’m glad I got to see them. Matthew’s really grown since I last saw him. It was nice to see Ma, too.

We also stopped at an auto parts store, cuz Tom needed something for the car.

We agreed I’d get two journals and a kitty mug for now, but we didn’t go to any bookstores yet. We did go to Pet Smart and I got my first mug with a puppy and a kitty on it. It’s really cute and has lots of detail in it, too. They’re sitting in a wicker basket with a blue/white checkered cloth. There are also green and red apples with jars of jam. It’s taken against a window, so you can see the trees in the background just outside the window. The only thing about it that’s not too cool is the way it’s centered. The dog and cat are in the middle of the mug, more or less, so when you’re holding it, you see a part of the basket and mainly the fruits.

Tom brought up examples of what he calls cranky. Well, Lisa called and wanted to sing me a song. She does sing better than most people. Especially for her age, but hit a lot of notes off-key, to my surprise. I told Tom this. Then I asked him why a certain picture on the computer of Gloria seemed long. He calls this cranky? How can expressing an opinion and asking a question be called cranky? He says it’s in the tone of voice. Well, then I guess every word I say must sound cranky to him, cuz I talk louder and more aggressively than some people. Especially him. So, that’s when I broke down and asked him why his story about the job changed since we were on the subject of explaining things to each other so we could better understand each other. I forgot what he said about it, but it did make perfect sense. Something about the job becoming more spontaneous to him so we’d spontaneously have sex more often and, therefore, not have to worry about hitting it right. I asked him if wanted to pick up on the job again, or just have sex whenever, and he said it was too complex of an issue to get into at that time. Personally, I’m still sick of the whole thing and I don’t care what we do or what happens. I just want to get on with life and get out of past ruts that are too old and that have bad emotions that go with them.

Later…

It’s been nice and quiet around here, except for the constant intrusion of those two dogs.

Tom’s gone now to drive his mom to church, then to go to the racetrack.

We screwed earlier, but he didn’t get off. Remember, he believes I can get pregnant, so maybe my approaching this time frame either consciously or subconsciously got him a bit nervous. Tomorrow will begin his 5-day test to see if he’s more serious than I thought, or does appear to be stalling. My guess is there’ll be a 50/50 chance we’ll screw over the next 5 days and a 0% chance he’ll cum over the next 5 days. What a wonderful birthday gift it’d be if he came on my birthday! I know better, though, cuz I want him to bad enough. If he did, though, that’d mean entering that final phase. He’d deny it, though, and say we just didn’t hit it right. Or maybe I’d have another two weeks of spots. I wish so bad that he’d cum on the 3rd, 4th & 5th! He could never cum 3 days in a row, though. He can’t even do it two days in a row. It seems he only does it once every two weeks. He did mention something about going to bed fairly early, but I don’t know. I still say he’s gonna be hurting and awfully tired starting tomorrow. Having sex on Tuesdays is out of the question, though, cuz that’s the day he gets up really early and works long hours.

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