#cuts too zooey

[helladventurers]

Bless this game, now that I've decided on her backstory, I'm getting lore accurate dialogue options

[sativaonsaturn]

how i spot the signs

based on risings and sun

♈︎ aries:

scars on the face/ head

freckles

very direct way of speaking; yk what they’re saying the first time they say it. don’t usually have to repeat themselves

sometimes redheaded or dyed red

natural leaders, even if they’re not the leader they tend to naturally command respect

also naturally loud speakers; not obnoxious but you can definitely hear them

usually very friendly if not approachable too

♉︎ taurus:

the women are ALWAYS pretty!! very conventionally attractive faces (venus)

what you see is what you get

usually know exactly what hairstyles/ makeup complement them

voices tend to be flat/ monotone

tend to lean towards earth tones and often even have an olive/ green undertone

♊︎ gemini:

very talkative 😭

men tend to be quite lanky but not very tall

love eccentric clothes/ accessories (ex: one earring, rainbow dyed hair, blonde eyebrows)

everyone knows them and they know everyone, tend to be quite approachable

they get bored quite easily. if you’re dating one, (not even considering venus) they’re likely to be really into you initially and seemingly dial it back out of nowhere or ghost completely 😭

♋︎ cancer:

big titties 😭 (esp rising)

tend to have round faces (moon)

tend to be a bit timid in new environments, talkative when they’re comfortable; cautious people

typically very warm people (sometimes literally), gives mom vibes fr

super funny naturally, true comedians even if they’re just saying what’s on their mind

i’ve noticed cancer artists make really raunchy songs (ex: Work It by Missy Elliot, Big Poppa by Biggie, Candy Shop by 50 Cent)

♌︎ leo:

noticeable hair (ex: big hair, long + healthy hair, unique curl pattern)

everyone knows them, may not know everyone

also natural leaders but tend to be a bit friendlier than aries (and typically more concerned w/ who likes them than aries)

love to laugh! always cracking jokes or finding a way to lighten the mood

command attention (good, bad, or both) immediately and w/out trying

♍︎ virgo:

usually look really focused or deep in thought

can also look far away when you first meet them especially if they’re virgo rising

can be quiet when you first meet them too; usually cause they’re reading the room before they speak

almond/ small eyes

usually have to wear glasses/ contacts

tend to wear earth tones

♎︎ libra:

men look like professors or authors, especially the octobers

september libras seem to loveeee pink

usually quite talkative but also typically read the room well, may even mirror it

tactful/ organized people, again especially octobers

typically love pretty, clean cut things. so clothes are ironed, delicate perfume, earrings always in, hair always done.

libra risings always look like libras 😭 very symmetrical faces, just look like they know a lot

♏︎ scorpio:

usually the hardest to guess

often in the know abt everyone w/out even asking

does someone seem like they’re openly themselves, knows everyone, big personality.. but you also get the feeling you don’t know them at all? probably a scorpio

tend to be the life of the party, definitely know how to have a good time

♐︎ sagittarius:

can be tall or short but the men almost always have very athletic builds

they know everyone and everyone knows of them

talking shit 24/7

tend to be confrontational and blunt people - will absolutely tell somebody like it is

likely a lot of rumors about them. like you may hear about them before you even meet them

very pronounced calves and/or hips

very noticeable/ distinct laugh and voice

tend to have big, bright smiles (ex: Miley Cyrus, Billie Eilish, Colman Domingo)

♑︎ capricorn:

very dry humor

always moving, if they’re not moving they mentally occupied

usually you hear they’ve been independent from an early age

adapt very well, can usually be whatever they need to be for the moment

the women are typically striking or have memorable features (ex: Dolly Parton, Zooey Deschanel, Ice Spice)

the men look strong minded and strong willed (ex: Denzel Washington, LL Cool J, Zayn Malik)

♒︎ aquarius:

often look very lost or in a daze

jokeskers

tend to say things to get a rise out of people but that’s not to say what they’re saying isn’t true; sometimes it’s the way they say it

can sometimes be the smartest in the room; they notice everything and forget nothing + very quick thinkers

women tend to be thick (ex: Megan Thee Stallion, Kenya Moore, Oprah, Uzo Aduba)

♓︎ pisces:

tend to be quite spiritual/ pious people but if not, equally as passionate abt not believing in like a higher power

women usually look ethereal either in dress or face (ex: Lupita Nyong’o, Rihanna, Dakota Fanning, Drew Barrymore)

can act a bit like God’s gift to the earth, especially the men

tend to be frugal and in turn usually very well off or at least comfortable

sativaonsaturn 🪐🍃

[apple-salad]

Petticoats for Farutetto JSK

AKA an attempt at putting the butt in Farutetto..if I can say that?

Note: I will be referring to Farutetto as Faltetto in this post as MM has previously translated the dress name as such.

I'm honestly not really sure why I wrote this post, and I'm regretting it a little having finished writing it because the topic seems pointless, but if you like maximum poof, then maybe this niche blog topic is for you.

Related posts about farutetto/faltetto dress: Unboxing (2023 mist and navy), Mary Magdalene faltetto history (long), 1st coordinate post

Mary Magdalene's stock photos for Faltetto picture it bustled with a highly raised back, but they really left it as an exercise for the reader when it comes to achieving this effect ourselves.

Bustle-able skirts are common enough in classic lolita, but we don't have a lot of lolita petticoat options that provide a historical-style rump. Not to mention that the bustle effect going on above is quite extreme.

Some petticoats that I can think of that have increased back volume are Sheglit's Victorian pannier, and some of Victorian Maiden's old petticoats.

left: VM Hip Up Middle Tulle Pannier, right: VM Hip Up Pannier

The VM petticoats appear to be designed to be used with their bustle skirts, with a few extra tiers of hard tulle to help provide a slight volume to the outer skirt.

Sheglit Long Bustle Pannier

Sheglit's is similar, with a large amount of tulle gathered near the hips for an Edwardian silhouette. I don't own this petticoat, but it might work with faltetto if the petticoat is wide enough to stuff more volume underneath.

For me, I think these types of petticoats weren't quite going to cut it... I needed huge back poof. Or at least needed to try...

Here is faltetto without any petticoats. The dress itself has no additional volume built in, so it's pretty flat. The lining is as densely (or nearly) gathered as the outer chiffon, so you could argue it is giving a tiny bit of volume. But still, quite flat.

I have collected too many petticoats over the years and own about a million at this point, so note that the petticoats I am layering here are only a guide and should be achievable if you own 2 or 3 relatively poofy petticoats of your own.

I use a couple not very poofy petticoats as a base layer to help hold up the larger upper petticoat layers.

Layer 1 is a Malco Modes 580 ("Zooey"), which is a light-poof petti.

Layer 2: Just a deflated Mary Magdalene Pannier-skirt for a tiny bit more volume

You could probably use one decently poofy A-line or 1 quite poofy, slightly longer bell petti instead.

I layer a short bell shaped petticoat on top of these to give more volume to the upper portion of the skirt. A-line pettis tend to be quite bottom heavy and I think the delicate chiffon fabric of faltetto needs consistent support along its silhouette, or else it looks weird.

Layer 3 is AP's "short organdy pannier"

These are the base layers. Next I add a back cushion to help hold up all the layers that will follow. It helps a lot in creating a "shelf" effect at the back.

The cushion itself is made from kona cotton (scraps can also be used) with a pattern that I freehanded off of examples of edwardian back pads online. I don't think the exact shape matters that much--you could probably tie a literal tiny cushion to your hips. But the dimensions of this one are approximately this if you want to try it yourself:

You can round off the sides into a kind of 3-oval shape, or cut out a smooth semicircle, I don't think it will make much of a difference for this purpose.

After trying this setup with the upper layers added and finding the bustle effect not jutting out enough, I decided to add an extra volume layer just to the back. I don't have anything purpose-made right now, so I made do with a deflated bell shaped petticoat folded in half (and folded again slightly around the edges to keep the total pinned width about 3/4 of the waist) and pinned to the cushion.

The result so far is weird, but maybe it works...

The last actual petticoat layer is Angelic Pretty's "Long Organdy Pannier". I don't think AP makes these anymore, but they are a approx. 50cm long, gently bell-shaped petticoat designed for the longer dresses AP was releasing around 2016~2020. I find the longer length quite good for sweet-classic when the skirt of a JSK or OP is a little longer, or achieving a little more poof around the upper part of the skirt with certain longer classic pieces. It's not extremely poofy on its own, but I personally enjoy using it for various poof purposes.

Layer 6 or so (?) (AP Long Organdy Pannier)

This final petticoat layer also helps smooth out the bustle silhouette, from the front to the raised back.

Finally, on top of all that a tiered underskirt is layered on top. Faltetto doesn't have any built in underskirt (just a lining, which is expected to be bustled up with the main fabric), so it's more attractive to add some ruffles to the back that are visible when the skirt is lifted. Unfortunately, at this point the petticoats are so wide that I don't seem to have any underskirt wide enough for the entire circumference of the poof.

This is the result, but I actually wouldn't recommend positioning an underskirt like the above because the length of the underskirt didn't end up matching the length of the skirt, being quite a bit too short instead (and not really in a nice bustled looking way, in my opinion). In my initial worn photos, I instead fold the underskirt in half and pin it to the waistband of my petticoat (and then pin the underskirt up a little bit since doing this made it a bit too long), which kind of worked but also wasn't really a great solution. I might need to make my own super wide underskirt, or something...thoughts for another time.

Lastly, the dress can be added over top everything! And don't forget to bustle the dress. It's not an entirely intuitive process for first-timers, but there are loops on the back of the dress that you thread the bustle ties through and further tie into a knot. I might try to post a reel of this process eventually (and will update later if I do), but here are some pictures which muddily attempt to express how the bustle is tied:

It was about at this point that I realized that this JSK had a minor factory defect, but thankfully it was easily and very quickly fixed.

And so, here is how the dress looks with all those layers underneath from different angles!

From the front, it looks pretty much like a normal petticoat is being worn with it. I hope this is enough back poof, but what do you think...?

And here are some extra photos of this coordinate to show the set up worn. I can tell that this arrangement might not be very sustainable for a full day, so I will probably be tweaking the petticoat arrangement further in the future.

Last note: As you might be able to tell, I don't own any hoop or wire petticoats, so I can't really give good advice or opinions on where they would fit in here. A hoop skirt that has a rump in its silhouette would be historically on point and probably work quite well, but you would likely have to make a custom one with shorter length. I really don't know enough about mid 19th century fashion to comment on this either, though. But maybe I might attempt it some day!

[47-61]

The Pete McVries Reading List

so McVries is a big reader. I collected some books by the authors he mentioned into a reading list. They are chronological by publication date and go up to 1979. If I missed any authors he mentioned in other parts of the book, let me know & I will update.

The Catcher in the Rye (1951) - J.D. Salinger Nine Stories (1953) - J.D. Salinger A Separate Peace (1959) - John Knowles Franny and Zooey (1961) - J.D. Salinger There Must Be a Pony! (1961) - James Kirkwood Morning in Antibes (1962)- John Knowles Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction (1963) - J.D. Salinger U.T.B.U. (Unhealthy To Be Unpleasant), (Play, 1965)- James Kirkwood Indian Summer (1966) - John Knowles Phineas; Six Stories (1968) - John Knowles Good Times/Bad Times (1968) - James Kirkwood The Paragon (1971) - John Knowles P.S. Your Cat Is Dead (1972) - James Kirkwood Spreading Fires (1974) - John Knowles Some Kind of Hero (1975) - James Kirkwood A Chorus Line (co-authored with Nicholas Dante), (Play/Musical, 1975) - James Kirkwood Hard Feelings (1977) - Don Bredes A Vein Of Riches (1978) - John Knowles

Poetry of John Keats Poetry of Algernon Charles Swinburne

and because I am a huge nerd I put a list of books that I would recommend to McVries under the cut

My recommendations to McVries: Demian - Hermann Hesse Beneath The Wheel - Hermann Hesse This Side of Paradise - F. Scott Fitzgerald Breakfast of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut. Actually not entirely sure he'd like Vonnegut but I'd recommend it based on his worldview. The Stranger - Albert Camus Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë. Actually sure throw in Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë too Pete seems like someone who wuthers Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man - James Joyce The Poems of Sylvia Plath The Poems of T.S. Eliot The Long Walk - Richard Bachman. I think he'd love that one

also I know it's ridiculous to put in A Chorus Line but it's simple logic. McVries likes James Kirkwood -> James Kirkwood co-wrote the book for A Chorus Line -> McVries likes A Chorus Line. this is the hill I have chosen to die on. It's canon. You will have to pry this from me after i'm rotting in my grave if you want me to relinquish this. Does McVries like musical theatre? I don't know. Who cares. Does he like A Chorus Line? Yes. Is this incredibly important to me because it's in my top 5 musicals? Yes. Okay thanks. anyway McVries and I would have been friends in high school

[claudiajcregg]

Tell Other People About Your WIPs

make a list of all your WIPs with a brief description of each and then people can ask you questions about them and then tag other people.

Tagged by both @onekisstotakewithme and @miabicicletta 💜💜💜 Thank you, guys <3 I don't know who to tag that hasn't been tagged already. Interested? Tag, you're it! :) (Please do know that there are no set sections. Pick whatever you want. I went the deranged route.)

I have an outdated WIP list, and many others unaccounted for. This is just a selection of stuff I could see myself posting or editing/retooling to write something new. I love talking about my WIPs, about as much as I hate being perceived because they are not remotely interesting. (I also love knowing which ones people are interested in! I have an incentive to work on them!) (Instead of snippets, part of my feedback loop is sending actual rough drafts to get a sense of whether it's worth working on more.)

Multichapters, different levels of completion.

S5 Pregnancy AU. My main WIP. Can you believe I’ve had this idea for a year… almost to the day? I’ve been stuck since November bc I don’t know how I want this one to end, beyond a birth. (As I’ve mentioned in the past, I feel like this has legs to become a fluffy universe. I have ideas! Timelines!) Gist of it: CJ gets pregnant circa Zooey's kidnapping. How does it change S5? It's less angsty than you think.

Campaign bars, aka campaign conversations sometimes happened at bars in the 1998 campaign. Fun stuff. I need to pick it right back.

What Once Was Ours or the IM AU (2021), aka IM ends with a breakup. Not a WIP. Not a UFO. A secret third thing. (“Finished” but not edited, and I’m doubtful people would be interested. Probably bc of some bittersweet ~memories~ attached to it. I mean, I shared a third of it to discord and people couldn’t care less, at least after a while. Now, better IM AUs are being posted these days; I'm not in a rush.) 33 chapters. 150k words. I do reread it every once in a while, and I cannot put it down. But its 'age' takes me aback. If things had been different, I'd have posted this in H2 2021/Q1 2022 (or even the planned Q2-3 2021). But alas.

The “Almost Ready, question mark” Category

Another SVD prompt meme claim: what if CJ has the crush first. The thing is, I tend to write her as having a relatively obvious crush on him at first until something makes her wise up. So this is just some ridiculous, post-first-meeting thoughts. Most of it was written in one sitting! It kinda fits with something in the campaign bars fic, too.

Post birth, hospital story: A couple of hours after their bb girl is born. Pure fluff. Recently reworked it to make it less wordy. Still failed, but it’s better focused now.

Many ficlets – the few I did post on Tumblr that haven’t been posted to the story I’m collecting them in, plus a couple more. I'm thinking the ice skating one, Jan 22, a few post-eps I wrote last year, etc.

Ambitious Projects I don't think are happening right away (or ever), but probably have a detailed outline somewhere

(I put this up instead of last, because the next category has faves, but it's also a long one.)

Danny is back a bit earlier on s7. Toby leaks (or tries to leak? I always wavered) the shuttle to him, as he and CJ are getting closer.

Simon lives. How does his relationship with CJ evolve post-honeymoon phase? What is it like when Danny returns?

You’ve got mail AU. This outline had two ways the climax could go. I had fun.

Epistolary collab (?) fic. Probably an X + 1 fic. The only one with nothing written; don’t rule out writing it individually at some point.

And because this is so long already (but not as long as it could be)… A few more under the cut – more "I just want to make sure I like them" and "this meme reminded me I meant to pick those back up." And they are still not all. (How do you summarize seven years of writing?? I've only posted 20-something of them, lol.)

“Almost Ready (but I feel like I want to make changes to them) (might just redo them altogether)”

Haunted by the Notion, 2007 edition. My beta Ruth suggested this when she edited the other story, and I wrote it around then. It’s another Christmas dinner at Filomena, and, eight years later, things are different. I feel like it hits expected beats, and is just missing some oomph. Maybe. (As much as I do like it, half tempted to make it 2009. Or later.)

Heaven’s here…: A interrupted proposal. I’ve written many proposals over the years, and I love toying with different ideas and setups. Danny takes the lead here, but I’ve been intrigued by the idea of having CJ do the final twist.

5 to 6 am 'me' time. Another story inspired by last year’s rewatch that I wrote right at the start of it (so Jan 2023?). It has five short parts with five different years of what CJ describes in the pilot as her “me time.” This is one when I think one per year would be fun, but I don’t want to repeat myself.

One bed, “sexy” edition. An AU to a sort of AU (one of the drabbles from this summer) and… it's what it says on the tin. The world does not need to read my attempts at smut. If I didn’t put it in the previous category, it’s because I am not sure that I want to post it. (All the previous attempts are locked somewhere; unfortunately, someone loves this one and noticed when I tried to do that, lol.)

First baby kick: I remember writing this while in grad school (so, late 2017? First half of 2018) but I lost it, along other fic, when my laptop had to be reset because I used Bear to write back then, but didn’t have sync across devices. I rewrote it, and I feel like it's not the same, but still. It's sweet! Includes: Danny talking to the baby, domestic fluff, and… baby kicks!

“This meme reminded me they exist and I love them, so don't be surprised if they are posted before anything in a previous category”

(Lbr, if I added something about them in this post at all, it’s because they sparked some memory.)

Mosaic broken hearts: CJ, circa S4, jealousy. Prompted by a former fandom friend, back in my productive era (first half of 2021; before that friend just ghosted me.)

I can’t believe I captured your heart (pancake breakfast, three words and eight letters). For a while there, I edited it so much but then I fell off. iirc, it was part of some morning-related prompts I saw around that I tried to fulfill in 2018? 2019? And they had like internal progression. But this one was the best of the 3-4, and I kept tweaking it.

Green light of forgiveness (IM-ish) — there are many other IM/IM-Tomorrow snippets I’ve written over the years. I’m not sure if this one makes much sense, but I liked it enough.

Distance — I recall liking this one! Might have to bump it up. CJ is in Africa, Danny is at the Farm and sulking because they left off on some sort of argument. There is some Danny-Abbey friendship goodness here. I even have a second file that is “Distance - shorter version (it’s not)”

Danny writes fiction, shows it to CJ during her pregnancy and she’s into it. Technically written. I would probably try to take another stab at it. Third time might be the charm?

San Andreo phone call/fallout from ID. I just had the idea of CJ reaching out once things calm down. This is one of those fics I’ve written a version of every year or so, but I think there was one I liked quite a bit.

Terrible taste in men — a run-in with an OC ex of CJ. It was so dumb.

Fka Impatience - actually beta’d three years ago (by that fandom friend I've mentioned twice before… actually, three times) and “done”. I just think I’d change so much about it these days. It started being something else but ended up being a CJ-Toby friendship story in which they have lunch and catch up. But I would want to rewrite most of it now, and not just because it’s from like… 2019 (but finished in 2021).

I forgot this one initially! he's passing by, rare as the comet in my sky - 2? 3? times CJ thinks she sees Danny somewhere, and one time she does. (Which tried to work in the 'I remember shunning you' line.) I even wrote some sort of sequel later! Probably useless.

I said I would post a lightning round with fics that are either also done but not ready for me to mention them, or just… not done at all. The length of this post and how much I've spent on it is embarrassing. To give a general overview: in line with the nonsense I've been mentioning, includes phone calls at the end of S7, also a few friendship-focused fics around that time, too; present-day stuff; anniversaries; Hollis fundraisers; weddings; many ficlets, introspective thoughts, a “yes day” fic that's super sweet but needs better dares, the third memoir idea (the original one!!!!) that I had three years ago… And those are mostly the ones I had preselected, lol.

If you're interested, I can screenshoot this part in the notes app if you message me!

Anyway, this is embarrassing, and the worst part is that it's not all. fml.

[spnfemslashbang]

2023 Masterpost

And that’s a wrap! All the thanks to the wonderful writers, artists, betas and readers who participated in the Bang this year!

We had eleven teams make it to the finish line this year, so if you haven’t gotten a chance yet, check them out under the cut below. You can also find the fics in the AO3 Collection.

1. The Reaper’s Apprentice by @butterflyslinky with art by @ephemerastardust (Jessica Moore/Bille, E) Jess is dead, but instead of Heaven, she's offered the opportunity to become one of Death's Brides--a Reaper. With Billie as her guide, she sees the afterlife, and the peace death can bring.

2. The Sunken Garden by MBQ with art by @sunshine-zenith (Anna Milton/Mary Winchester, E) It’s 2023, Mary Winchester tries to solve a case despite her sons’ meddling and ends up partnering with someone she could never tell Dean about, with a monster no one wants to meet.

3. Midnight Blossoms by @bleuzombie and tea_or_die, with art by @burdenedwithpointlesspurpose (Billie/Tessa, E) Finally feeling comfortable in her own body, and confident enough to pursue a relationship, coroner Tessa finds the push she needs to finally meet with her online girlfriend when youth lands on her table. Growing up hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst, she gets to find out what it's like when the best finally happens.

4. But You Dream of Some Epiphany by @pinoruno with art by @solstheim (Anna Milton/Mary Winchester, T) During the culminating fight of 5x13 “The Song Remains The Same,” Anna and Mary are suddenly thrust into the future; alone and afraid, watching scenes play out before them that neither is truly a part of, they begin to lean on each other as they attempt to return to their own time.

5. no such thing as a unique experience by @astralpenguin with art by @golby-moon (Claire Novak & Zooey Fremont, T) It doesn't take long for fifteen year old Claire Novak to figure out that the girl sat across from her is a runaway too. Turns out that's not all they have in common.

6. The Voice In My Earpiece Thinks You’re an Idiot by @kerryweaverlesbian with art by bakh-meliorism (Jo Harvelle/Bela Talbot, E) Bela's after the score of a lifetime, but she's got one problem; it's a  two person job. Good thing she met Jo, who wants it too. Too bad Jo  brings some problems of her own: first, she's got a secret, and a big  one. Second, she's a total amateur. And third, Bela might just be  falling a little bit in love with her. A Jo/Bela heist fic!

7. Adapt to Change by @sitruunavohveli with art by @deancodedcastielenby (Charlie Bradbury/Mary Winchester, E) When Charlie and Mary meet, one is scared to go back to hunting after a close call and the other is confused by the modern world she finds herself in. Despite their different skill sets and personalities, they enjoy each other’s company, and if Charlie also happens to find Mary incredibly attractive, she’s never going to mention it to Mary. And then Mary asks Charlie to join her on a hunting trip.

8. I’ll Still Feel the Pull of You by allthismusic with art by RapsCallion (Claire Novak/Kaia Nieves, E) After a fight about Claire’s dangerous lifestyle, Claire doesn’t think she’ll ever see Kaia again. But when the Winchesters tell her their plan to rescue Castiel from the Empty, and they tell her she’ll need someone to call her back from the void, she knows who she must ask. A road trip brings her to Kaia’s door, and the drive back brings them closer together. And when Claire goes into the Empty on a mission to find an angel, she knows that waiting for her back in the bunker is the one person she’ll do anything to find her way home to.

9. The Red Means I Love You by @father-salmon with art by @squirrelofcelestialintent (Claire Novak/Kaia Nieves, E) Claire is The Grigori, Idaho’s most unpredictable serial killer. Kaia is Dreamwalker, a whisper in the winds of those who know their game. One fueled by a need to cope with her father’s death, the other, revenge for those in the Teen Wilderness Industry, both end up drawn to each other at the oak tree Claire laid claim to. The killers, though wary of each other, begin to form a friendship with the promise of something more, but are careful to keep their identities secret. Still, it doesn’t stop them from forming an attachment. Navigating a new relationship along with the challenges put in their path, the two begin to help each other, especially after Claire receives a visit from her unknown uncle, Castiel, who is more like her than she thinks. Kaia has their sights set on Washington after they’re finished in Idaho, hell-bent that their revenge is paid in nightmares. As the new Thelma and Louise, they become a terrifying force to reckon with, only this time with a happy ending. **Please make sure you read the beginning notes and the disclaimers**

10. Misfortunes of Fealty by @kayliemalinza with art by @solstheim (Claire Novak/Meg Masters, Claire Novak/Emma Winchester, E) After the death of her father and her siring angel Castiel has declined to take her as a vessel, Claire flees her homeland. Overwhelmed with grief, she encounters multiple women who promise to help her avenge her father, to find new purpose, to come into her own power--but there's always a catch. Title is a reference to the 18th century erotic novel Justine wherein bad things Just Keep Happening to the virtuous heroine. Claire gets a much more hopeful ending. Also featuring Dean Winchester, in the background, who just wants his clothes back.

11. What Happens In Wichita... by @motherofdragonflies with art by @burdenedwithpointlesspurpose (Annie Hawkins/Mary Winchester, E) It’s 1982. Ronald Reagan is President, the Dodgers won the World Series and Mary Winchester is done with hunting. She’s a wife now, and a mom, living the apple pie life, just like she always wanted.When an old friend calls in a favor, Mary reluctantly takes the case. It’s a simple haunting that shouldn’t take more than a day. But to Mary’s surprise, she’s not the only hunter trying to gank the spirit. Eighteen year old Annie Hawkins is young and hungry to prove herself, and there’s something about her that draws Mary in. Over the course of the weekend Mary discovers that there is more to life than being a hunter or being a loving wife and mother. But you know what they say: what happens in Witchita…

[nostalgebraist]

@monadique replied to your post “Last weekend I read most of J. D. Salinger's Glass...”:

I love the Glass family! Been ages since I read them but would be interested to hear your thoughts on the collection if you had any more?

​Sure.

Spoilers for the works listed here under the cut

Here's something that jumped out at me when reading "Raise High" and "Seymour."

(It jumped out so strongly that I want to say it's an obvious surface feature of the text, and barely worth mentioning. But I can never tell what is and isn't "obvious," so I'll mention it.)

In "Raise High," we hear that Seymour and his fiancé have been up late on the night before their wedding, engaged in a conversation about how Seymour is -- in his words (?) -- "too happy to get married":

But what man in his right mind, the night before he’s supposed to get married, keeps his fiancé up all night blabbing to her all about how he’s too happy to get married and that she’ll have to postpone the wedding till he feels steadier or he won’t be able to come to it? Then, when his fiancée explains to him like a child that everything’s been arranged and planned out for months [...] he says to her he’s terribly sorry but he can’t get married till he feels less happy or some crazy thing! Use your head, now, if you don’t mind. Does that sound like somebody normal?

Meanwhile, various characters (including the speaker here) voice the opinion that Seymour is mentally unwell, and in need of help.

They're not very likable witnesses, these characters. In terms of the surface logic of the story, we're clearly "meant" to view these characters as clueless busybodies, and we are meant to view their proposed course of action -- subjecting Seymour to 1950s-style psychoanalysis until he's "better" -- as amusingly useless at best.

And anyway, that course of action has already been tried. By this point, Seymour has already had a lengthy conversation to his mother-in-law's analyst -- as we learn later in "Raise High." And in "Zooey," we are told that all the Glass children were examined in childhood by a variety of specialists in "clinical, social, and newsstand psychology." In the latter story, Zooey says sarcastically:

"If you get any more ideas, like last night, of phoning Philly Byrnes' goddam psychoanalyst for Franny, just do one thing—that's all I ask. Just think of what analysis did for Seymour." He paused for emphasis. "Hear me? Will you do that?"

(Though it's unclear if this refers to some earlier episode, or just to the analyst conversation described in "Raise High.")

In sum, "Raise High" does not "want" us to worry over Seymour's mental health. Indeed, the narrative voice seems actively angry about the very idea of doing so.

But, of course, several years later -- Seymour Glass killed himself.

And, of course, "Raise High" is narrated by his brother Buddy, who's obviously feeling defensive of Seymour during the incident related in the story, and who has even more reason to be defensive (among other things) about Seymour at the (later, post-suicide) time of the story's composition.

Now, "Raise High" is paired in a single published volume with another, much stranger story, also written in-story by Buddy Glass: "Seymour, An Introduction."

Early on in "Seymour," Buddy tells us that he is "ecstatically happy." By this he seems to mean he is in some profoundly atypical mental/spiritual state, whose connection to the ordinary denotation of the word "happy" is somewhat mysterious:

Professionally speaking, which is the only way I’ve ever really enjoyed speaking up (and, just to ingratiate myself still less, I speak nine languages, incessantly, four of them stone-dead)—professionally speaking, I repeat I’m an ecstatically happy man. I’ve never been before. Oh, once, perhaps, when I was fourteen and wrote a story in which all the characters had Heidelberg dueling scars—the hero, the villain, the heroine, her old nanny, all the horses and dogs. I was reasonably happy then, you might say, but not ecstatically, not like this.

In "Raise High," Seymour's professed state of "happiness" coincided with staying up all night, and a sudden (?) urge to call off his wedding. Call it off, specifically, "until he feels more steady."

In one diary entry quoted later in "Raise High," Seymour writes:

I felt unbearably happy all evening.

In a later entry, "happiness" is again paired with insomnia:

Oppenheim is already in the sack. I should be, too, but I can’t. Someone must sit up with the happy man.

And then there is this:

Oh, God, if I’m anything by a clinical name, I’m a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

This sentence causes Buddy, reading the diary, to have the following reaction (my emphasis):

I remember closing the diary—actually, slamming it shut—after the word “happy.” I then sat for several minutes with the diary under one arm, until I became conscious of a certain discomfort from having sat so long on the side of the bathtub. When I stood up, I found I was perspiring more profusely than I had all day, as though I had just got out of a tub, rather than just been sitting on the side of one.

What is this "happiness" of Seymour's?

It could all just be eccentric behavior. But -- especially given Seymour's later suicide -- it seems plausible that this bout of "happiness" is, in fact, a manic episode.

That interpretation jibes with the apparent effects of "happiness" in Buddy's case. Just after the part of "Seymour" quoted above ("Professionally speaking..."), Buddy goes on to explain what "happiness" does to a writer:

To the point: I happen to know, possibly none better, that an ecstatically happy writing person is often a totally draining type to have around. Of course, the poets in this state are by far the most “difficult,” but even the prose writer similarly seized hasn’t any real choice of behavior in decent company; divine or not, a seizure’s a seizure. And while I think an ecstatically happy prose writer can do many good things on the printed page—the best things, I’m frankly hoping—it’s also true, and infinitely more self-evident, I suspect, that he can’t be moderate or temperate or brief; he loses very nearly all his short paragraphs. He can’t be detached—or only very rarely and suspiciously, on down-waves. In the wake of anything as large and consuming as happiness, he necessarily forfeits the much smaller but, for a writer, always rather exquisite pleasure of appearing on the page serenely sitting on a fence. Worst of all, I think, he’s no longer in a position to look after the reader’s most immediate want; namely, to see the author get the hell on with his story.

As we read on, we discover that "Seymour" is a very, very strange document. And very much the sort of thing a person might produce under the influence of mania.

It buzzes with energy, yet is oddly directionless; it flies at immense speed, and yet goes nowhere. The implied writer seems unable to leave any thought uncommitted to paper, and equally unable to hold back the churning tide of thought-after-thought-after-thought inside his own mind.

The tone is ecstatic, but ecstatic in an odd, off way: giddy with mirth over some private joke, convinced that something marvelous is occurring (or has occurred) without being able to spell out what. Most of all, though "Seymour" treats its title character with hagiographic reverence, the ecstasy of the voice doesn't seem to be primarily about Seymour, or indeed about anything. We learn a lot of things about Seymour in the course of "Seymour" -- eventually, anyway -- but many of them are hilariously trivial in nature, and do not seem prepared or arranged to convey anything in particular about Seymour the man. (The title is amusingly ironic: whatever "Seymour, an Introduction" does, it certainly does not "introduce" Seymour in the comprehensive and quasi-scholarly fashion implied.)

----

So, that's the "obvious" thing that stood out to me.

"Happy," in these two stories, appears to mean "manic." Buddy Glass is bipolar, and so is his brother.

"Seymour" is "Raise High" inverted. In "Raise High" we see Seymour's mania through the clear glass of Buddy at the height of his writerly powers (but at a glancing angle, due to Buddy's partisanship on the subject) -- while in "Seymour," apparently ordinary incidents from Seymour's boyhood are fragmented and made dazzling by the shattered mirror of Buddy's own mania.

Is that "true"? I don't know.

Maybe this is too resistant a reading; maybe I'm meant to think that the "busybodies" were just-plain-wrong, that Seymour was a bodhisattva, and that "Seymour" is a straightforwardly beautiful piece of prose.

It is noteworthy, though, that everything (?) about the Glass narrative reaches us via Buddy Glass. Salinger makes a point of this, as though it matters. Most of the later stories are explicitly "written by" Buddy -- but earlier stories like "Bananafish" also get retconned to "always have been" Buddy Glass compositions, rather than just J. D. Salinger stories.

Indeed, in the case of "Bananafish," we're directly told to view Buddy as an unreliable narrator; apparently, whatever Seymour Glass' last day was like, it wasn't quite like that.

The final story, "Hapworth 16, 1924," is a long letter written by Seymour. And yet it too -- weirdly! -- is explicitly placed in Buddy-shaped quotation marks, with a preface written by Buddy presenting it as a old letter he's conveniently just happened to find sitting around.

I'm left uncertain about how to read "Hapworth," in light of this, and in light of the interpretation of "Seymour" above.

It's possible that Buddy himself fabricated it, as I saw one reviewer suggest. This would fit with the sheer weirdness of it (drawing a line between it and "Seymour"), and with the overall sense that the whole Glass saga is being unreliablely-narrated by Buddy and colored by his evolving mental/emotional state.

Except... I don't feel like that fits? "Hapworth" is weirdly written, but it's weirdly written in a very different way from "Seymour."

It lacks the out-of-control digressiveness we saw in "Seymour," and the nested, spiraling sentence structure. In their place is another very strange type of prose, with its own sense of unrelenting ecstasy that feels somehow off, not really about the surface subject matter, the product of some relentless inner engine running along the lines of a wholly inner logic. (For 7-yo Seymour, it seems that everything is "heartrending" and "amusing" and so on; the same terms of approbation are applied so uniformly that they lose all meaning.)

But the prose of "Hapworth" doesn't feel out-of-control, the way the prose of "Seymour" very obviously (and deliberately) did. The kid knows what he wants to say, and he says it, immediately and directly. One feels the content is driving the style, rather than being held back by it.

If "Hapworth" isn't a Buddy Glass fabrication, what is it?

If it's authentic Seymour, then Seymour really is a bodhisattva -- or at least, a true prophet, a clairvoyant who foresaw his own death and other things besides.

And yet he doesn't talk and act like we'd expect a bodhisattva to talk. He can be kind of a dick, for one thing; for another, he's just weird (to use that word once again) in a way that doesn't really seem derivable from sainthood, or even from child-prodigyhood.

Maybe he is a new kind of thing entirely. A god incarnated in 20th century New York, as imagined by a very innovative and very peculiar (real-world) author. Maybe mania, or at least "happiness," is part of the earthly package for such a god. If so, then we must pity poor Buddy, saddled with his brother's curse of "happiness" without, like his brother, receiving godhood in exchange for it.

(But even then -- what sort of line should we draw between the eerie, JEDD-Mason-like superintelligent alien of "Hapworth," and the only-mildly-eccentric adult of the diary entries in "Raise High"? It seems challenging to reconcile the two.)

[blood-mocha-latte]

~ christmas tag game ~

It's Festivus for the rest of us so grab your Chanukah bush, your mistletoe, your pagan ritual or whatever brings you joy and come gather round the fire and celebrate your pocket friends.

tagged by the (always correct) @ariesbilly <3

favorite nickname you’ve ever been given?

my wife's name for me in her phone is Twinky Ben Barnes after our third (fourth? idk) date so. i mean that's just fucking hilarious

where are you located?

dc babeyy

what season is it where you are now?

winter

favourite tradition this time of year?

it JUST passed but i love love love immacolata concezione with all mah heart

favourite holiday food?

crespelle!!!

mulled wine, eggnog or hot apple cider?

i can't stand any of these can i say like. whiskey

turkey, ham or nut roast (Or Tofurkey?)?

nut roast besties

would you rather spend the december holidays in: a cabin in the woods surrounded by snow, or a house on the beach with sun and sand?

god i gotta go beach (no i'm not bitter about having to cut my beach honeymoon short absolutely not)

are you pro-snow or anti-snow?

used to live in a place with Too Much Snow but now live in a place with Less Snow but kind of miss Too Much Snow so. i gotta go pro-snow

have you ever built a snowman?

yep

skiing or snowboarding?

will literally Never forget when on an anniversary trip we went skiing and i hit a chicken wire fence head on so skiing all the way

do you decorate for the holidays?

always too much maybe

favourite holiday movie?

american's gotta be elf because zooey deschanel but number one always and forever is vacanze d'inverno

favourite holiday fanfic?

i don't have any!! mutuals i request your aid..........

if you were to star in a hallmark movie, who would be your love interest?

number one celebrity would have to be eliza dushku because i'm nothing if not predictable

or lillian gish IF plausible

no pressure tags for everyone i can think of rn: @lamialamia @dcyllom @frstcorinthians @merry-andrews @murphybedard @land-sh @fkmylif3 @whollyjoly @malarkgirlypop @almost-a-class-act @mutantmanifesto

[elfryn]

Commission to Clyn. Title: Once in a Moon. Request: Drunken confession, Larissa finds out and happy ending. Words: 5648. Ratings/Warnings: General Audiences/No Archive Warnings Apply. Relationships: Marilyn Thornhill | Laurel Gates/Larissa Weems. Summary: She feels a lump in her throat, a heaviness in her stomach, and discomfort in her eyes. Larissa is using all her strength not to scream, not to cry, yet, as the other's diminutive figure seems even smaller and more fragile cowering in the centre of her bed, it makes everything difficult. Silently, Larissa Weems wishes she could go back to before, when she was still ignorant, to a time when she did not know the sleeping being in front of her. She wishes she could go back to the days long gone when she had yet to lose her heart to Laurel Gates. Links: ao3, tips! Commissions info here!

“Why do you want to work at Nevermore, Mrs. Thornhill?" Larissa uses her most professional voice. 

“Miss," the redhead corrects. “Nevermore is one of the best schools in the country and I..." she proceeds to say a decorated speech. Larissa is well aware of her school's reputation, both the good and the bad, she doesn't need people to remind her of that. Weems admits that she has stopped paying attention between one word and another. After several boring interviews, it is normal to lose interest past a certain point. Everything she needs to know about the candidates is in the curriculums anyway. She studies the resume she has in hand. Exceptional track record, flowery references, no complaints or disgusted notes.

On paper, Marilyn Thornhill looks practically perfect in every way. 

“And what did you say your skill is?" Not that it will change her final decision at all, but Weems likes to keep track of what kind of person she's dealing with. 

“I didn't say," Thornhill smiles yellow, almost nervously, “I don't have one," she reveals. This catches Larissa's attention as she carries her gaze to her with a quickness that makes her dizzy.

“Are you a normie?" Larissa thinks she's put too much poison in the word, considering how Marilyn shrinks back in her chair. “Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." 

“No, it's okay, that's kind of my fault for omitting information." Again with the fake smile and nervousness.

“It's not like you're obligated to put that on your resume," the blonde tries to soften the damage she's caused. Weems looks at Marilyn and notices her, really notices her. The long red hair, the fringes married to the giant glasses that help hide her face, the simple clothes and nothing flashy. She looks like a low-budget red-headed version of some Zooey Deschanel character. There is absolutely nothing over-the-top about her. Marilyn Thornhill is ordinary, forgettable. One of those people who stand in the back of the room and nobody notices, as if they have a perception filter over them, deflecting away all eyes. Had Larissa not known better, she would never have married Marilyn Thornhill's resume to the person of Marilyn Thornhill. “Why do you want to work here?" Larissa asks again, this time genuinely interested. 

Marilyn holds Weems' gaze, defiant. “I used to live in Jericho years ago as a child. I observed first-hand how the townspeople treated Nevermore students. Even as a kid, the aloofness, anger and ostracism never felt right to me.

“When my family left, I thought it would be different, better, however, the sad reality is that the situation away from these walls, from this town, manages to be infinitely worse. Admittedly, the citizens of Jericho are not receptive and can even cause problems for the institution and its students. However, the young people who inhabit these dark halls are not alone in the world, and as long as they have someone like you, Principal Weems, to pray for them, they are safe.

“Which, disgracefully, cannot be said about thousands of people who have their lives cowardly cut short just for being different. Like..." She interrupts herself, her eyes glistening with tears that she refuses to let fall. Taking a deep breath, Thornhill continues, “My reason for wanting to work at this very prestigious institution is not because of professional relevance, the fat salary or anything else. I stand before you today out of an extremely selfish personal desire, just that and nothing more."

“What would that be?" 

“I want to protect those children, or at least try to." All the redhead's nervousness and discomfort are washed away, and suddenly Marilyn Thornhill no longer looks like someone dull who is lost in the landscape. She emanates a glow of her own, capable of blinding anyone who dares to look at her directly. The shy woman at the beginning of the interview and the woman who gave the touching speech are two completely different people. Larissa gets a glimpse of something she can't name but wants to see again. “I know I'm not much and that it's very preposterous to think that some random person with no powers can achieve something so great, or even that you need the help of someone like me, but if I can do anything to help, I need to try. 

“That, Larissa Weems, is the real reason I want to work at your school."

**

Weems searches Thornhill around the room with her eyes, knowing exactly where the woman will be. The months following Marilyn's hiring have passed smoothly, and the school year follows its routine cycle without end. The students keep on giving work to the same extent as in all the other years, the faculty goes on as usual. As far as the eye can see, everything is normal, everything is fine. However, Larissa is neither stupid nor ignorant, she knows how to look beyond appearances, beyond the surface. She notices how the botany teacher has a little more difficulty in her classes than the other teachers, she perceives how the shorter one is almost always isolated in the corner and on the rare occasions she saw her talking to a student or another teacher it was for something related to her classes. 

In staff meetings, Thornhill is in the corner, standing by the wall, blending into the environment. In those situations, she is only noticed by those who are looking for her, otherwise, it is as if no one is there. Weems remembers her first impression of her, of finding her ordinary, forgettable. She also remembers her words, her heart-warming speech and the small glimpse of something magical she saw that day.

“Miss Thornhill," the headmistress calls out once the meeting is over and the room begins to empty, “will you come with me? There is something I need to discuss with you." 

“Of course," she agrees with a shy smile. 

The walk to Weems' office never seemed so long, the atmosphere between the two similar to a burial. Corridor after corridor, Weems feels the prying eyes on them, students and staff who are probably thinking the teacher is in some kind of pickle. Glancing around, she notices a smile here and a giggle there. Something uncomfortable stirs inside her, but the tall woman just ignores it. 

“Am I in trouble?” Thornhill asks once they reach the blonde's office. She sounds like a child afraid of being scolded. 

“I don't know, do you have reason to be in trouble, miss?” Weems heads straight for the bar, she studies her options carefully. Checking the hours, she sighs defeatedly. “Tea?” She offers, smiling. 

“Yes?”

“Are you accepting the tea or admitting you committed a crime?" the Principal asks, amused. “You don't have to be nervous.”

“Are you sure? Because I kind of feel like I should be terrified.”

“Yeah, I'm sure.” She assures. “Please sit down,” she indicates one of the armchairs near the fireplace. Looking a little more relaxed, yet still nervous, Thornhill accepts the invitation to sit down. Between heating water in the electric kettle and choosing tea, they fall into an almost comfortable silence. Weems feels the redhead's eyes following her every move. 

“I was about to ask you that before, but I didn't find an opportunity,” the blonde breaks the silence. “How have you been? Is your adjustment going well?”

Thornhill doesn't answer immediately. For a moment she looks confused, surprised by the question, then her countenance changes to thoughtful. “Everything is fine,” she answers finally. 

“Are you sure?" She insists. Weems put a few spoonfuls of tea leaves into a previously scalded French press, then pours the water in circular motions until the container is almost full. “You can tell me if something's not going well, you know that, don't you? Whether it's a student causing too much trouble or some inside difficulty, you can tell me anything.”

“I appreciate the concern, but it's not necessary," she assures. “Everything is fine.”

The headmistress turns to face the teacher, her concern stamped in her eyes. Weems needs to know if everything really is fine or if the woman is just being strong. Larissa cares about her staff as much as she cares about her students. Everything and everyone related to this school is important to her (admittedly, some more than others). She analyses the little redhead, looking for anything that would give away the lie in her words, however, she finds nothing. 

“Either she's a great actress and a first-rate liar or she's telling the truth,” the blonde thinks to herself. 

“Well,” the woman settles for saying. She approaches Thornhill, bringing with her a tray with the French press, two mugs and other things she needs to serve the tea. Depositing the tray on the small coffee table between the two armchairs, she sets about serving. “Sugar or honey?”

“Sugar.” Weems hands the cup with the blue liquid lightly sweetened with a sugar cube to Thornhill, who takes a sip of the drink before adding another four sugar cubes. “What?” she asks innocently when she notices how Larissa stares at her.

“You're a criminal,” the blonde replies. 

“Pardon?”

“There is no pardon for someone who puts five sugar cubes in their tea.”

“I like sweet things,” the redhead defends herself. 

“That's not sweet, that's diabetes in a cup,” she jokes. “Next time, I'll offer you just the sugar cubes right away.”

“Do so, and I'll gladly accept,” Marilyn replies with a smile.

**

Larissa tries to steal some of Marilyn's popcorn once hers is finished. They are in the headmistress' quarters, watching a film of dubious quality that the teacher has chosen. It's about a brain that won't die, however, Larissa believes the title is misleading as it's about a whole head and not just the brain. She also thinks the film is nonsensical, more than once she has commented on how a head cannot remain not only alive but also conscious without a body. In Weems' opinion, the brain surviving alone would make much more sense than the whole head. Thornhill just told her to be quiet and watch the film, which she did, even though she is itching to point out every absurd thing happening on the screen. Larissa doesn't know why she still lets Marilyn pick the movies, it's more than proven that the redhead has terrible taste in movies. The week before she picked a movie about a wormy woman, and the week before that she made the blonde watch Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, because, according to her, the fact that Larissa had never seen the movie until then was a crime. 

Weems lets her eyes wander from the screen to the person sitting next to her. Marilyn is sitting with her legs folded under her on the sofa, the bucket of popcorn, her inseparable companion, resting on her lap, her eyes glued to the screen, she hardly blinks, absolutely engrossed in the plot. She wears grey sweatpants and a pastel pink shirt with a kitten on it, her hair tied up in messy braids and her glasses forgotten on the coffee table. Larissa can't help but notice how Marilyn seems to belong in the room as if she's the person who actually lives there. 

“You're staring at me again,” Thornhill says, and only then does Larissa realize that the film is over. 

“No, I'm not.” She doesn't even bother to stop staring. 

“Yes, you are!”

“I'm not, but if I was, you can't blame me if you're so much more interesting than these bad movies you pick.”

“My movies aren't bad.” 

“Oh, but they are, honey. They're terrible.”

“If you think the movies I pick are so bad, why do you keep letting me pick the movies?”

“Because you look very pretty while you're watching bad movies, and I like that very much.” Marilyn stares at Weems wide-eyed in surprise for half a second before quickly turning her face away. 

“Idiot,” the redhead says in a low voice. Larissa can see the slight blush on her cheeks and can't help but smile.

**

They walk side by side through the city streets, their fingers intertwined and their shoulders rubbing lightly with each step. It is their first official date outside of school since until then they have reserved themselves for movie nights of dubious quality, idle Wednesdays drinking fancy teas, and one particularly disastrous Friday when Larissa decided to cook and ended up exploding the casserole (in her defence, Marilyn said the sauce was fine, even if it was sticking to the wall). 

Marilyn talks about her passion for carnivorous and poisonous plants, the main reason she chose botany in the first place, citing some of the types they have at the Nevermore Conservatory. Weems listens intently, confused by all the scientific names that the little woman throws at her — the principal's knowledge of botany is limited to which plants she can make tea with. There aren't many people on the street, but the few they do meet give them a tail-eyed stare, with each new encounter, Larissa feels she's very close to punching someone. Realizing this, Thornhill gently squeezes her hand, calming her down and telling her it's all right. 

When a group of teenagers dressed as pilgrims approach them, laughing and pointing brazenly, Larissa moves towards them, but Marilyn pulls her to the other side. 

“This way, I know a shortcut.”

“This isn't a shortcut,” the blonde says, acknowledging where they are. “This is the opposite of a shortcut, it will take us at least another half hour to get to the school grounds.”

“Good,” the teacher smiles, "so I have you all to myself for another half hour.”

Larissa feels her ears burn and the blood rises to her cheeks, she thanks the moonless night for hiding the blush that she is sure has taken over her face (mentally, she imagines her head being replaced by a tomato). She slips her arm around Marilyn's shoulder, who in turn slips her arm around Weems' waist. And so they continued walking, in each other's arms, to the gates of Nevermore. 

**

Weems wakes up with a sound similar to a cry. Marilyn is curled up on her side of the bed, looking even smaller than usual, her eyes closed, her fists clenched, her countenance contorted in pain. Lightly bathed in the moonlight streaming through the half-closed curtains, she looks like a wounded animal.

“Mar...” Larissa calls out, concerned. “Marilyn!” She shakes the woman when she gets no answer. 

Marilyn wakes up in a jump, frightened and bewildered, she attacks Weems, her hands going straight for the woman's neck. Larissa doesn't move, doesn't fight back, just waits until the mist in the redhead's eyes dissipates and she understands where she is and what is happening, which doesn't take long. Quickly, Thornhill pulls her hands back and turns away from Larissa, terrified by her actions. 

“I'm sorry,” she asks in a low, weak voice. Larissa hates it when she uses that voice. Throughout their time together, the blonde has noticed that Marilyn has a lot of nightmares. Occasionally, they tend to get worse, as if they have a seasonal trigger that makes everything go downhill. A trigger that Larissa has yet to figure out what it is to protect Marilyn from it. 

“It's okay,” Weems says hoarsely. She smiles, trying to lessen the weight of the situation. They fall silent, feeling the atmosphere weigh on them. “You... you were calling for your brother...” Larissa says small, uncertain. Marilyn rarely talks about her nightmares, and Larissa respects that, though she thinks talking about it might help her. “I didn't know you had a brother."

“I don't!” She bites, her voice a thunderclap in the night. Marilyn's harsh words echo acidly in the darkness. The silence that consumes them this time is heavier, more suffocating. Larissa feels guilty, the small voice in the back of her mind telling her that she messed up. Screaming that she should have stayed quiet like all the other times. She falls into a spiral of self-deprecating thoughts. “Not anymore...” Marilyn's voice is so low that Larissa almost doesn't realize she's said anything. 

“I... I'm sorry for bringing it up.”

“It's okay, I know you were concerned... and curious.” Marilyn shakes her head. She attempts a smile, but she has no strength or will, all she can manage is the shadow of something listless, lifeless. “It's just that I don't usually talk about my brother.”

“And you don't have to if you don't want to.”

“But I want to!” It's a cry for help. "I want to...”

“And I want to listen.” 

For a third time, silence devours them. The anticipation of what Marilyn is going to say fills the air with statistics. Weems holds her hands and squeezes them lightly in a comforting gesture. Assuring her that it is safe to continue, safe to share whatever it is with her. 

“My brother was an amazing person..." she begins, her voice so low and yet so high at the same time. “I followed him everywhere, his friends used to say I was his second shadow, and even though he was ten years older, he never treated me like the annoying little sister... I love... loved him so much... He was my best friend and the best person in the world, and he... He was taken from me...” Marilyn's voice dies. She feels Larissa wiping away her tears, and only then does she realize she is crying. Larissa hugs her and lets her girlfriend cry on her chest, she uses one of her hands to draw imaginary patterns on the redhead's back, something she knows calms her. When Marilyn finally stops crying, the first rays of sunlight can be seen through the window. 

“Do you want to get up and get ready, or call in and say you're sick?” Larissa asks. 

“Call who? You're my boss.”

“It's going to be a strange call, but I think I can convince myself to give us the day off.”

“ʽUsʼ?”

“If you're going to stay home and eat ice cream all day, so am I.”

**

Larissa walks through the green maze that is the corridors of the conservatory. Marilyn has missed another staff meeting. Although Weems is mature enough to admit that a part of her is relieved not to have to spend three hours locked in a room with her ex-girlfriend and all the other teachers looking at her funny, she's still the principal and Thornhill is still a teacher who needs to shoulder her responsibilities. 

Aisle after aisle, the blonde makes her way to the farthest and most private part of the room. It has been a few weeks since she and Marilyn broke up, or rather, since the other woman ended it all with no explanation or apparent reason. Larissa still feels sad, empty and bitter, and potentially angry. She let the redhead have her time, and her space and waited for her to come back on her decision to break up, but it didn't happen. To make matters worse, Marilyn's performance has declined greatly, causing even more friction in the relationship between the two, who meet only to have the headmistress scold her. 

Larissa goes over the conversation she intends to have with Thornhill in her head again, she needs things to work out. She doesn't want to keep fighting with the redhead every time they see each other. Marilyn was the best thing that ever happened to Weems, and if the redhead no longer wants to be her girlfriend, she understands and hopes that they can at least be friends — because Larissa can't go back to an empty and insignificant life where Marilyn Thornhill isn't part of it. The blonde takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself. She needs everything to work out, or at least not be a total disaster. The principal still feels bad about her last encounter with the teacher, where a professional discussion turned into a person and she said things that weren't true just to hurt Marilyn as her anger and frustration got the better of her. Larissa has not seen Marilyn since that day. 

Turning down the last corridor, the scene Larissa encounters makes all her speech disappear from her mind in a matter of seconds. Marilyn is lying on the floor, liquor bottles were thrown around her, and a syringe with a blue liquid is near her hand. Larissa feels desperation grow in her chest, and she screams the woman's name, or so she thinks she does, but she couldn't tell since she can't hear her voice. She shakes the small body, looking for signs of life, takes her in her arms and runs out. At some point, someone appears and she believes she has given orders for the doctor to be sent to her quarters, for when she reaches her room with Marilyn in her arms, the middle-aged woman in charge of the infirmary is waiting for her at the door. 

“She's fine,” the doctor says after what seemed an eternity to Weems. 

“What do you mean ‘she's fineʼ, she's unconscious!” Larissa screams. She feels bad about that, but she can't afford to care at the moment. “There was a syringe on the side of her body! She tried to kill herself!”

“She has no sting marks, so I don't believe the syringe was for that.” The doctor says calmly, used to dealing with people on the edge of their emotions. “She drank a bit too much and ended up sleeping halfway through whatever she was working on.”

“She's just sleeping?” She asks, discredited and relieved. 

“Exactly.”

“I'm going to kill her.”

**

When Marilyn wakes up, Larissa barely gives her time to find her way around before saying that they need to talk. 

“We don't need anything.” The redhead replies dryly and dismissively. Larissa feels terrible for being used to this kind of hostility coming from the woman. Precariously and keeping herself upright by some miracle, Marilyn stands up and begins to walk towards the exit. Weems is faster than her and uses her body to barricade the door. 

“You're not going anywhere until you talk to me.”

“Is that an order from my superior?”

“It's a friend's request.”

“We're not friends,” she yells. 

“No, we are more than that, but you for some reason decided to ignore that fact and start acting like you don't know me!" Larissa returns in the same tone. She doesn't like shouting, even less so when the other person is not in a good place, however, she can't keep it all bottled up inside anymore. Weems knew she would explode one time or another and it seems that time has come. 

“If that's not an order, then I don't need to answer." Thornhill ignores Larissa's words. She tries to walk past the blonde, but the woman's tall body doesn't even move. Right now, she is like a stake fixed into the ground with concrete. 

“Please, can't you see that I'm trying here?”

“I didn't ask you to try,” she hisses. 

“That's the point, you don't have to ask!” Exasperates. “I'm trying hard to give you the space you need to sort your shit out, but every second you seem more distant and lost and it's hurting you and me. To make it worse, I found you lying on the conservatory floor with a syringe full of poison thrown beside you. I thought... 

“I thought you were dead... I thought I'd lost you again, only now for good.” Her voice is choked with emotion. “I can't go on like this anymore, I can't go on watching you sink deeper and deeper. When you give someone too much rope, they end up hanging themselves and I'm not going to lose you. Not like this.”

“Why do you care?”

“Because I love you, you moron! That's why I care!”

“Don't say that.”

“I. Love. You. And no matter how hard you try to push me away, my feelings for you won't change.”

“You can't love me.” Marilyn sounds like a hurt and frightened child. 

“Why not?”

“Because you don't know me!" She screams with tears in her eyes. “My past, the things I've done, the things I plan to do. The real reason I came to this school in the first place. You know absolutely nothing about me, that's why you can't love me. Because if you knew anything, you would hate me...”

“I could never hate you, Marilyn.”

“I am not Marilyn! My name is Laurel. I'm Garrett Gates' sister! And I hate you. You and all these freaks in this goddamn school. Every student, every teacher, every outcast, I hate them all.” Her eyes burn with the tears she refuses to let fall. “Your kind is the reason my brother is dead. The reason I lost my entire family, and because of that I want all of you destroyed, dead! Every freak, every abnormal, every outcast, you all deserve death. All of you. 

“Or at least I thought it should be that way until you showed up...” Between the few stubborn tears that managed to escape, she gives a sad, pained smile. “You who are so serious and yet kind and cheerful and perfect. You lured me in with your warm smiles and fancy teas and soft laughter and beautiful personality. What mortal could resist the charms of Larissa Weems? None, I tell you. Before I could do anything to stop it, I caught myself completely in love with you. My revenge no longer mattered as long as I could be with you. But...

“Every time you call me Marilyn, I feel my heart being torn apart. All the things you say you love about me are lies. You love a lie. That's why you can't love me, Larissa. Marilyn Thornhill, the person you love, it's not me. So, I'm the one who's begging you now, because I can't keep pretending to be someone I'm not anymore, and more importantly, I can't keep hurting you any longer. Please, let me go.”

Weems doesn't understand what is going on. She knows that she has heard everything that Mar-- Laurel has said. She feels a suffocating pain in her chest, the air, or lack of it in this case. Her head feels heavy, and she is sure she is crying, and even though everything indicates that Larissa is just seconds away from falling, it is not her body that crashes dramatically onto the ground. 

**

Larissa watches over the sleeping woman in her bed. The small body curled up into a ball, her face swollen from crying. She wants to hold her in her arms and protect her from the rest of the world, to promise that everything will be all right and nothing and no one will ever hurt her again. However, she can do neither, so, with a tightness in her chest, she settles for slowly brushing her fingers across the woman's soft skin, up her exposed arms and into the fair redhead's relaxed face, taking the opportunity to brush a strand of hair from her face.

She feels a lump in her throat, a heaviness in her stomach, and discomfort in her eyes. Larissa is using all her strength not to scream, not to cry, yet, as the other's diminutive figure seems even smaller and more fragile cowering in the centre of her bed, it makes everything difficult. 

Silently, Larissa Weems wishes she could go back to before, when she was still ignorant, to a time when she did not know the sleeping being in front of her. She wishes she could go back to the days long gone when she had yet to lose her heart to Laurel Gates. 

**

In the morning, Larissa wakes up in her empty bed. It doesn't take long for her to discover that Marilyn, Laurel, or whatever the redhead's name is, has left the school in the dead of night. Weems notices the stares at her, the tension of the questions that no one dares to ask, she ignores everything and everyone. She ignores her feelings and the desire to scream that grows inside her chest. The redhead's words echoed in her ears, burning in her mind, repeating endlessly. She knows that everything that was said is true, Laurel's hatred was perceptible in each of her words, dripping like venom. Larissa cannot understand how Marilyn, so sweet and kind, could be Laurel, so bitter and sick. However, thinking about it wouldn't change anything, because Laurel ran away and took Marilyn with her, and that's the part Larissa can't forgive. 

**

When the police show up asking questions and hinting that the botany teacher had a connection to the strange deaths that had been happening in the woods on the edge of town, Weems said nothing beyond what was public knowledge (or the public imagination).

“Yes, we had a relationship,” she replies coldly. “No, I don't know anything about the possibility of her being a serial killer,” she thus ends the interview, practically throwing the sheriff out of her office. 

**

Larissa walks around the old cottage, opening the windows and airing out the place. She still remembers the last time she visited her family's cottage. Of the picnic, she and her mother had near the lake, the boat rides with her father, and how her brothers fought over the last s'more around the campfire. The old Weems Family Cottage was once a place of great joy, but now, it is just a pile of rotten wood falling to pieces. 

Since her mother passed away almost ten years ago, neither Larissa nor her brothers, nor her father has dared to set foot near the place. All the good memories created in this place have been transformed into daggers that pierce the soul overnight. The blonde walks slowly and carefully through the place, parts of the floorboards look like they will give way at any moment. She wonders how she let herself be dragged to that place, but now that she was there, she had no reason to dwell on her life choices. 

She sees her mother at the kitchen island cutting vegetables. Her father is by the fireplace reading the newspaper. She hears her brothers' footsteps running upstairs. Between one memory and another, she finds herself making a list of everything that needs to be fixed or replaced, or demolished. Immersed in nostalgia, in pain and longing, she hardly hears the knocks on the door. 

As she opens the door, she is confronted with the reason she is there, to begin with. Laurel Gates, better known as Marilyn Thornhill, stares at her uncertainly.

“Hi...” her voice is only a whisper. 

“What took you so long?” Larissa asks with a big smile that makes all of Laurel's nervousness disappear. 

“The traffic was horrible.” She replies with a smile as big as the blonde. “But I promise I'll make it up to you.”

“You can be sure of that.”

**

Larissa places her cell phone on top of the mantelpiece, and the soft melody of the music she has chosen gradually begins to fill the room. She offers her hand to the person who dragged her to that place. “Will you grant me this dance?” She asks with a smile on her face. 

“Of course.”

Weems takes Laurel in her arms, fitting her into her body. They follow the quiet rhythm of the music. Laurel rests her head on Larissa's chest, listening to the slightly accelerated heartbeat of the blonde. It is like a scene from a musical. 

The moon shines on them like a spotlight, the damp, dusty atmosphere giving way to the cozy warmth created by the fire crackling in the hearth. The feeling of detachment and strangeness slowly went away. The world around them darkens and loses focus, and all that is left is the two of them nestled in each other's arms and Neil Young's voice echoing through the air. 

“I missed you,” Larissa admits, her voice a whisper in the night. 

“I missed you too,” Laurel replies in the same tone. They continue to dance together, neither daring to say anything more, unable to break the little bubble of happiness they find themselves in. They are not naive and know they need to talk about everything, but not now. Right now, what they need is music and each other's embrace. 

As the music ends, Larissa stops and stands aside just enough to admire the woman with her. The new haircut, the spectacles with a different frame, the extra holes in her ears. Visually, so distinct from the last time the blonde had seen her, yet still the same person. Weems rubs her fingers slowly across Laurel's face, gently caressing her cheek. Laurel closes her eyes and lets herself be carried away by the touch, basking in the thrill of being touched by Larissa again. 

“I really want to kiss you.” Softly, Larissa runs her finger along the outline of Laurel's lips.

Laurel opens her eyes and stares into Larissa's deep blue eyes that flicker in the half-light of the fireplace. There is no doubt in the blonde's eyes. “Please do so.” It is a plea. 

Larissa leans in and ends the distance between them. Their first kiss after all these months apart is salted by tears that the two have not bothered to stop. Laurel's lips are the perfect match for Larissa's, just as Marilyn's were. As the kiss intensifies, Larissa feels something in her chest. She feels the hole that opened when Marilyn ran away being closed. Marilyn Thornhill may no longer be there, but Laurel Gates is, and Larissa loves her with all her being, and she will never let her disappear from her life again. 

“I love you, Laurel Gates,” Larissa utters. 

“I love you, Larissa Weems.” She replies with a smile and tears.

[helladventurers]

The Peacemaker Descends

After such a long wait and much anticipation, today I've finished my cosplay of Zooey from Granblue Fantasy, my favorite character of all time 🥳🥳🥳

I'm really happy with this, the only issue being the shield looking a bit too dark on most areas, but I can get a brighter blue one later in DT

Gear under cut 👀

Bluespirit Sword + Shield of Light

Emperor Hairpin

Tantalus Vest

Replica Sky Pirate's Gloves of Casting

Boarskin Skirt

Wootz Sabatons

[blacknidstang]

Tagged by @juststartingtobebrothersagain 💜

Ask game bellow the cut ✧⁠◝⁠(⁠⁰⁠▿⁠⁰⁠)⁠◜⁠✧

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope. But my nickname, Ashi, is taken from a nursery song if it counts

2. When was the last time you cried?

Actually half an hour ago. I was rereading some part of Franny and Zooey for thousandths time and it always gets me

3. Do you have kids?

No and i never will

4. What sports do you play/have played?

5. Do you use sarcasm?

I have always been pathetic when it comes to sport. However i am both a good runner and swimmer but i only do those recreationally. I can't handle stress of racing. I've tried basketball and volleyball and i have been incredibly tragic like a wet miserable cat.

I try not to because it really creates communication issues especially with added language barriers. With some friends tho, we have shared sarcasm i believe so it works

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Hmmmmm... Their gaze. And whether they notice me or not.

7. What's your eye color?

Dark brown

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Neither exactly? I don't vibe hard with jumpscare horror but i do love bad devastating endings, not in tragic movies but ones that are meant to invoke discomfort.

9. Any talents?

I think i'm a good speaker in person. I have been the constant project presenter since 10th grade till end of my masters. I also think, or hope, tha i have quite an imaginative mind. Also whenever i'm making one of those huge 1000 puzzles i usually can grab one single piece and figure out where it belongs. I used to get mocked for this bc but hey if i take pride in that 😤

10. Where were you born?

Somewhere in middle east.

11. What are your hobbies?

Drawing, writing, hoarding academic papers (especially regarding religion and mythology recently), digging through all sorts of true crimes, unsolved cases, internet mysteries, fucked up cults. Puzzles and riddles, i also used to be so invested in Notpron (an insane & amazing internet puzzle) & i went to level 50 something & am planning to get back too. Also just grabbing internet courses related ro physics, geometry, astronomy for fun, i used to be a theatre kid but it's been some years since ive been a part of.

12. Do you have any pets?

No unfortunately :(

13. How tall are you?

148 cm/4'10 :D

14. Favorite subject in school?

In school it was geometry, biology, art, literature, and english. In my undergrad i took an anthropology course unrelated to my own degree which was the best experience and in my masters my favorite subject waw something i can roughly translate to architecture analysis.

15. Dream job?

I am somewhat having my dream job right now in a game design project with coolest people, but on the other hand i know big industries are literal hellscape when it comes to game and animation so i dont know really. I do wish to later in life go for phd, at one point i was fearing i'd be permanently a student djeujsisi but i think being a researcher/scholar of some sort is kinda awesome.

No pressure here @lilacpaperbird, @nameslikeguns, @stray-with-a-muffler , @hurricanejane, @fathercain1999, @laurasashtray, @sexwithag, and anyone who wants to do this im quite shy with tags

[prowerprojects]

Did a slight Zooey redesign for the Sunflower au, didn't change much because I already like her design a lot (the poor girl doesn't have much else going for her)

She's supposed to be the same age as Tails so I tried to make her look more like a kid, don't know if it really worked. (Though she's also supposed to be a bit tall for her age). I also changed her eye colour.

Made an alternative version (under the cut) where I added some markings on the feet and hands. I don't give them to Tails for reasons, so I thought maybe I could give them to her? I don't think it lools too bad.

[bisluthq]

I’d say like Maisie Peters is probably the best current musical example lol she does KRAAAAZYYYY things like dye her hair blonde yk and write silly little ditties like Cate’s Brother and she calls herself a 💫good witch⚡️but she gets really sad sometimes and she’s also very teensy tiny - that’s manic pixie dream girl energy. //

This feels like a personal attack 😭 but in all honesty, I think Maisie is too normal to be a manic pixie dream girl? I think most women in their 20s are similar to Maisie. I personally believe you need to wear colored tights and be into less mainstream stuff to be considered a manic pixie dream girl. But maybe I’m just thinking of Zooey Deschanel

to me Maisie and Zooey are very similar though? Idk if you maybe feel this way because you’re closer to Maisie's age but idk there was a very weird period in the late 00s where Zooey was a proper it girl in the sense that a bunch of people (me in high school included) copied her/Jessica’s* ‘fits and look and vibe because she like… resonated hard. Maybe she/those characters she plays seem weirder now but they def weren’t like legit ~alternative when she was big/when she played them. That’s my point lol 😂🌚

*EDITORIAL CORRECTION* New Girl only premiered in 2011 and I don’t think I was copying her outfits much by then but I remember I explicitly copied a few from 500 Days of Summer and cut my hair exactly like that and tbf Jessica dressed a lot like Summer but just happier and Zooey still hasn’t really changed her hair.

[icharchivist]

There's a level in Versus where Uno runs into Belial and Belial doesn't want to fight him because it would take too long, which implies that one singular average* Eternal is enough to give a primarch a run for his money?

Especially considering that like three levels before that Belial fought and beat Zooey without complaining, which would further imply that Eternals outmatch primals like Zooey

It's Versus, so take it with a grain of salt, but isn't that terrifying

I mean, it could be read as Belial wanting to get the hell out of dodge and Uno would keep him busy for too long, but that's still scary to think about. I'm not even into power scaling, but the thought fills me with fear

*Not counting Siete who made the wedge of light reconsider his course of action as an average Eternal btw, sorry, that's clearly another ballpark entirely

KJDFLMKDF yeah Siete is on another level completely,

but it's interesting that Belial seems to be thinking of the Eternals are more threatening than Zooey.

(though i suppose his reaction to Seox would also tell us just how true that is. that say Anre is the coleader of the Eternals and is probably closer to Siete's power than the others on that powerscaling.)

Though i could imagine maybe Belial would think primals are easy peasy to handle - after all those mostly started on the blueprint of Lucilius's ideas, and Belial was wrangling with a lot of them in the waybacks. but skydwellers can be unexpected, and the Eternals especially are on another powerscaling all together.

I think Belial being aware of that is interesting.

but i could also imagine Belial not wanting to fight Anre because even if he'd win, it's still a hassle and he's bored.

and no offense to the MVP of them all but i feel like Belial wouldn't be sexually attracted to him, which would cut down a lot of his interest about fighting him, which might also play into all of this...

[noirsvault]

Zooey and Kacchan started the episode with two consecutive attacks while being very cool as always!

Btw Primal Missiah's cries are to much for my head ughh

Tsuyu + Ocha finally can join the their fight this time. Ocha is making a rain of giant ice blocks from Shouto's broken ice wall. Creative!

I don't think it actually gives Misiah big damage, though. But apparently it's only to give others chances to charge their skills. Gran and Sieg and Zooey are attacking continuously and there are too many flashing things here. And my boys also had a joint attack (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Lobelia somewhere out there may be enjoying this concert of Misiah's endless painful cries, but I am not orz

SHE COLLAPSED ALREADY??? THAT EASY?!?!?!

She's back up and continues her mental attacks on me. They say she's glaring at me but it's hard to see for myself because I can't find her eyes...

She suddenly talks with HUMAN MISSIAH VOICE!! MISIAH! MISIAH DO YOU HEAR ME! I DIDN'T HAVE THE CHANCE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT THIS WORLD LOOKS TERRIBLY PERFECT TO ME MISIAH!!! THERE'S NO SALVATION NEEDED WHATSOEVER MISSIAH YOUR MOM IS WAITING FOR YOU MISIAHHHH!!!

...She doesn't hear me (ಥ__ಥ)

Izuku realized Missiah's voice and he's going with his typical "why are you doing this?" Just typical Izuku's behavior ╮(╯∀╰)╭

She ignored him sob what about a forced therapy session between friends?

I understand her desire to fulfill her Salvation duty, but the curve of this thinking process is too fucking sharp it cuts me (ಠ ‿ ಠ)

IT DOESN'T NEED TO FALL IN DESPAIR FIRST TO BE SAVED THO?!?!?!

Missiah released a shrieking cry again... Is she actually attacking with her sound or something?

GDHF the cries actually create shockwaves towards them! Dummy me oops

He just asked it out of habit you meanie!!

AND IZUKU DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES ON THE BATTLEFIELD WTF!!

He is scrambling to find a working strategy in the midst of all this and he found a crack? On Misiah's body??

All that attacks just for one little crack, but okay!

Now Izuku thinks they should aim at that spot again. Maybe just keep combining their attacks and hit it continuously? Sounds like an exhausting and grinding tactics but?? We only have that lead right now?? HAVEN'T GRAN FOUGHT THESE CREATURES SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM SON?!?!?!

HE'S CALLING KACCHAN ARE YOU TWO GONNA GIVE MAMA A COMBO ATTACK??

YOU NEED HIM TO DO WHAT???

YES! THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT!!

WHoa chill (ಥ﹏ಥ) Who knows if we should support your reckless ass or not if you don't explain your plan to us ; ;

Kacchan's scared by that too so he caved (ಥ‿ಥ) He tries to act tough and all but I know his heart just jumped a beat there (ಥ‿ಥ)

[warningsine]

Since the COVID-19 pandemic began, I've been suffering from a reading funk. My concentration is bad; my commitment, worse. I blame the world, not the books, but I do feel especially grateful to the writers whose novels broke through my mental clouds. First on that list is the Japanese novelist Mieko Kawakami, whose English-language debut, Breasts and Eggs, was one of my favorite books of 2020. I wasn't alone; Breasts and Eggs, in Sam Bett and David Boyd's seamless rendering, was a breakaway hit. No wonder Kawakami's U.S. publisher, the reliably excellent Europa Editions, chased it so quickly with another Bett-Boyd co-translation, this time of Kawakami's 2009 novel Heaven, which, once again, cut straight through my funk.

Heaven is a raw, painful, and tender portrait of adolescent misery, reminiscent of both Elena Ferrante's fiction and Bo Burnham's 2018 film Eighth Grade. I cannot, in good conscience, endorse it without a warning: This book is very likely to make you cry.

Heaven is less sophisticated than the tripartite Breasts and Eggs, which shifts perspectives and timelines to address the feminist question of reproductive autonomy from a variety of angles. Here, Kawakami tells a simpler story in a simpler form. Her 14-year-old protagonist suffers horrific daily bullying from his male classmates. In the novel's wrenching first chapter, they hit him, mock him for his lazy eye, force-feed him chalk, and shove him in a locker. Heartbreakingly, he seems inured to these torments. From the locker, he tells the reader calmly, "I was no stranger to the dust-clogged air and muted darkness. Whenever this sort of thing happened, I just started counting in my head, not thinking of anything else." But through his brave front, he's plainly miserable. His home life is silent and stifling, his school life torturous; he yearns for human connection, but is too afraid to seek it. No wonder that, when his fellow outcast Kojima begins leaving notes in his desk, their correspondence becomes his "only source of pleasure."

If Kawakami were a more conventional or sentimental writer, Kojima would be the narrator's first love. Instead, she occupies a blurrier space in his life: Their friendship is intermittent and baffling, rooted less in their personal connection than in Kojima's brittle teenage idealism. In her conversations with the narrator, she preaches a gospel of social martyrdom that might appeal to J.D. Salinger's Franny Glass, to whom Kojima bears more than a passing resemblance. Kojima fervently believes that getting bullied is, as she puts it, a "sign." She sees herself and the narrator as designated empaths; their suffering enables them to "know exactly what it means to hurt somebody else," and elevates them to a higher understanding of pain. She welcomes that understanding, and accepts her daily torments as rites of purification.

Kawakami makes plain that Kojima's beliefs are not only incorrect but risky. Much like Franny in Franny and Zooey, she transforms idealism into self-harm. She also objectifies the narrator, who she sees less as a real person than as living proof of her theories. Kawakami handles Kojima sympathetically enough that it's impossible to blame her. She's 14, after all, and managing an awful situation with no adult help. Ultimately, though, she cannot offer the narrator true friendship or solidarity; she's not ballast, but a weight.

Kawakami leads readers slowly and painfully to this realization, but we get there before her narrator, who takes nearly the whole novel to figure it out. He does so only via a brutal bout of depression during which he struggles with suicidal ideation, then "los[es] touch with what sadness is supposed to be." Kawakami uses her narrator's numbness to redirect the book. Because he no longer fears pain, the narrator is able to confront one of his bullies. Their confrontation — which is, really, a sneering monologue on the bully's part; his cruelty at times left me breathless — forces the narrator to admit that he can't live by Kojima's code. Within days, the "fragments of righteousness that had held me up [stop] fitting together." His time as a would-be martyr is done.

This trajectory is unusual: How many novels about bullying, or about adolescents, end with liberation via nihilism? In Heaven, though, the narrator's embrace of meaninglessness seems, much like his friendship with Kojima, to be a necessary but impermanent developmental stage. Heaven's ending is not quite a happy one, but, for the first time, Kawakami lets some light into the book. Its final chapters are reassuring without losing track of the narrator's still-dire reality. They promise that the narrator will, someday, have the future that, not so long before, both he and the reader feared he wouldn't live to see.