#cus that month was my one year anniversary of coming out

[abugsomewhere]

I JUST REWATCHED NIMONA WITH MY MOM AND BROTHER AND

THEY CHANGED ND’S NAME IN THE CREDITS

OH MY GODS I LOVE THAT SO MUCH, BECAUSE IT’S JUST

IT’S PERFECT. THE MOVIE IS TRANS REP, THAT’S THE UNDERLYING STORY, SO CHANGING HIS NAME IN THE CREDITS IS NECESSARY, IT’S SO SO IMPORTANT.

[morgluvsconnie]

BOUND, c.springer

chap.11 | fluff, comfort, short ending | chap.10

self defense.

they didn’t justify it as murder, they justified it as self defense.

just as you prayed they would, the videos of it proved everything they needed to prove. what reiner did to you proved everything it needed to prove. but that only shortened his sentence.

sitting down at the chair and tapping the table with your fresh set, sitting for a minute before they finally brought connie out. his uniform tied around his waist while his muscle shirt showed.

for some reason he looked different every time you visited.

the whole year he’d been locked up, you saw him every time you could.

his hair was slightly fluffier, somehow faded on the sides, probably some trick he learned. he looked stronger, boredom had him working out, but in your eyes he was still the same old connie.

you both grabbed the phone and held it to your ears, as you looked at him, a smile creeped onto your lips, him immediately mirroring your actions.

“hey babyyy.” he dragged along, realizing you were happier than the first few times you visited. “hey connie.” you smiled and looked down. connie smacked his lips and leaned back a little, the phone still to his ear. “don’t act like you ain’t happy to see me.”

you couldn’t lie, all you wanted to do was go home and go to sleep so the next day could come quicker.

so he could be standing in front of you without the uniform and the cuffs, without holding a dumb phone to his ear.

“you got yo nails did? lemme see.” he said, looking at your hand. you looked up and held your hand up. “i put your initial right there, and your favorite color, ‘cus i love you.” you teased, making connie looked to the side out of embarrassment.

“i love you more. i got sum to show you tho.” he mumbled. you tilted your head, resting it on your hand.

connie pulled his shirt up, showing your name tatted across the top of his stomach. you covered your mouth with your hand and looked at him. “how’d you do that?” you smiled. connie sucked air through his teeth and pulled his shirt down.

“shittt, a mirror, pen, and hope. almost got in trouble, ian worried though.” he laughed a little before crossing his arms, putting the phone to his other ear. “but yeah, i miss you. ready to see you.” he mumbled, staring at the table.

you slowly nodded. “i can’t believe it’s been a year without you. ian go out in so long, or rarely, it just don’t feel right when you not there.” you pursed your lips together.

connie bit the inside of the cheek. “you visited mama?” he asked. you smiled. “yesss, she so nice every time.” you looked at your nails more. connie nodded.

“you been eatin?” connie tilted his head a little. “yeah it’s different from when you first came here.” you waved him off. “ight now, don’t be lyin.” he pointed at you. you laughed and nodded.

connie huffed. “shit i can’t wait to eat right. this shit in here weak as hell, boys is too.” he shook his head. “you been in any fights, baby?” you asked. connie looked at the ceiling for a few seconds before looking back at you. “been on my best behavior.” he flashed a quick smile, making you laugh.

“i can’t wait to hug you, i miss you like a bitch.” he rubbed his eyes, staring into yours. “me too.” you mumbled, but connie shook his head. “you ain’t no bitch.” he said, leaning up on the table. “you been on yo best behavior right? don’t end up like me, ima lose my shit.”

“yep, just like you asked. no fights, no serious arguments, nothing.” you assured connie, him trying his best to detect a lie.

“i’m glad.” he smiled a little. “you know i did that tattoo like… three months ago. the day i gave you yo tattoo is that day i did this one.”

“and we missed our lil one year anniversary.” you smiled. “now i gotta surprise you with yo name.” you laughed, making connie laugh. “nah, nah. you good.” he scratched his head.

“don’t cut your hair when you get out, connie. it’s cute like that.” you looked at his head. connie hummed and nodded. “gotchu.”

“two minutes.” the man behind you spoke, making you glare at him and look back at connie. connie stared at him before looking at you, playfully rolling his eyes.

“well.” he leaned back again. “ima see you tomorrow, ight?”

you nodded, looking at connie. “i love you.” you said, blowing a kiss. connie held his hand out to catch it and put his hand over his lips, like he always did.

“i love you back.” he said, waving bye as he put the phone down. you did the same, glancing back as the guard walked back over to you and a different one walked to connie, grabbing his wrists and cuffing them before standing him up.

“can i kiss my girl?” connie asked the guard.

he’s been asking the same question since he first got locked up, and it was always a no. but as the guard looked at you, then at connie, he led connie back to the table, you leaning over the plastic screen that separated you, grabbing connie’s face and pulling him into a long kiss.

just like he did you.

as he pulled away, hands still behind his back, he smiled at you, finally being able to feel your lips again after a whole year.

“i love you.” he mumbled as the guard pulled him back.

you smiled.

“i love you back.”

ANDDDD SCENE.

THIS was lowkey very fun to write even tho it’s short but thank you sm to the people that stuck around the whole story, if it was on wattpad or something it would’ve been sm longer tbh 😭 BUT I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKED IT, yk i would never (i think) finish yall off with a bad ending.

THANK YOU FOR READING, I LOVE YOU!!!

[sophieinwonderland]

We are very pissed at the anti-endo response to the endogenic system venting at the fact that they would have died without their headmates and they come swinging in “oh we don’t hate your existence just stop being on our spaces!!!1!!”

Let us tell you a story of why that fucking sentence doesn’t make sense.

I’ve known my headmates for years. I knew who they were and we were going through life as best we could. The problem was we never had the right words to express what my headmates were to me and back then systems were not known or demonized. We heard about them here and there but nothing we had pursued because I was so focused on my life.

3 years ago I had discovered my sexuality and decided to join a server with beings that shared this identity with me. That’s when I first ran into systems. They were using a bot and everything. I didn’t know what that was so I read up on what plural kit was to make sure I was respectful of their existence. I’m going to say out right that this server is very hostile to any questioning system because the owners forbade any kind of system discussion cus they didn’t want system discourse on this server. You know what this catered to? Sysmeds. The system accountability was so loose that an anti-Xenopronouns headmate got a slap on the wrist while we got shouted at because how dare we hurt the mod’s friend. During this time we’re starting to question our plurality but we couldn’t speak about it at all so we continued to be in denial. The only good experience that we had is making a friend on here and moving to a private chat they had encouraged my in-sys partner to talk because they saw me talk about her and wanted to hear what she had to say. I made a Tupp for her and it was like shocking when she took over my hands for the first time in my life. She was stunned too when she was able to talk about herself without me having to do so. Still didn’t believe we were a system still.

Eventually we left that server because of how poor the moderation is. We then decided to join a self-shipping server because I incorrectly assumed that my in-sys partner was my fictional other but like I had no words to accurately describe my relationship with her at the time. I was getting desperate to find the right words. Now that sever was all fun and games for about 2 months. Literally two days after celebrating our anniversary we got banned. Without warning mind you and we saw that server got erased from our sidebar with our own eyes. The server owner had to be pushed by a mod to “explain” what happened only to give a vauge response of “gatekeeping”. The mods that pushed the owner to explain then thought it was bs then started talking about the reason why I was banned. They said that we were questioning about being a system and that was a no-no because they just got a very anti-endo on the mod team who mind you is underage in an 18+ server and the owner hated us so much that they would find anything to hit us with. The mod in question is a system but they had to hide behind “kins” to not get targeted by said anti-endo. They couldn’t do anything for us and just told us to find a different place. This was our breaking point. My protector and partner decided to stop talking to anybody outside of the system since she thought it was for the best.

I have given up hope that I could ever find the words to our existence. These 3 months after I didn’t go out to find a space for an identity. A place to call home because of every step lead to us being unwelcomed.

One day I ran into an Alterhuman server promoting their safe space for robots and anyone interested in learning about the robot side of the community. The sigh of relief when we saw that the rules stated they support good faith identities and that included endogenic systems. Not going to lie when we saw very active systems in this space we were nervous. So for the first month I never questioned my system hood and just stuck to being an “singlet” and just talk about my nonhuman experience. Over time we just saw how free the systems were able to talk about their experiences and just being happy in the server in general. I couldn’t hold back our trauma from being denied access to a space to talk and question. I broke down in the vent channel about our experience the past year and just being confused if we are a system or not. The server owner stepped in and said we are welcome to ask questions and even take the label of being plural if we wish to. Not just one or two- but four individual systems came over in support for our questioning being a system or not. We didn’t start doing that right away after all we were nervous but, a few days later my partner decided to talk once in the chat. She was rusty and very tired but she wanted to test the waters. When nothing happened we continued to explore this part of ourselves we denied for so long.

To the surprise of nobody we are indeed a system. This entire story is about how much damage that sysmeds did to other communities outside of plural spaces to the point that a system that was trying to find themselves got trapped in a loop of rejection and denial. Our story is not the first of its kind nor is it the last.

Anti-endos you can continue to keep your heads in the sand and look away from the damaged you’ve created for questioning and uncertain systems or reflect on why there is suddenly a rise of servers that don’t want systems to talk about their experiences and just being hostile to all systems.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and experiences. All of this was so horrible, and I'm sorry you all had to go through this.

This story is becoming all to common, and it's everything we're trying to fight against. I talked about bigoted and exclusionary servers not too long ago with the Alterhumans Things Discord.

To many of these anti-endos, the spaces we're invading are just... any spaces anywhere. Like this person in another post:

The "anti-endos just don't like endogenic systems coming into DID/OSDD spaces" line is just a lie.

It's frankly insulting to our intelligence as system exclusionism spreads through online communities like cancer, hurting not just endogenic systems, but also any traumagenic and disordered systems that don't fit the mold.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. It was incredibly well-written.

I hope that now that you're out of those spaces, you can keep healing and working together. Sending my love to you, your partner and the rest of your system. 💖💖💖💖

[wanderlust84]

time to rant because i got nothing else to do and nobody will acknowledge this <3

this is a draft that i forgot to post lmfao but it'll make a good yt vid

ok so first, why do people say 'woke'? most twitter (i don't give a fuck i'm not saying X) users say this and it's such a revolting word. something about it makes me feel so uncomfortable and i don't understand why people use it, when did it even become a thing that people say? it just came out of nowhere!!

second of all, is it me or do those girls who wear those KISS falsies, the thinnest drawn on eyebrows and french tip acrylics scare me. like i have no clue where they get that money to afford it from but why do they look so intimidating? half the time they're the sweetest angels you'll ever meet, but if they're not that, they are the RUDEST people you will ever find on earth. they will treat you like you murdered their whole entire bloodline. and there is never an in-between, almost like there isn't a spectrum for that type of girl. also lets talk about the fact that they always have their minions who are always brunettes who will gang up on you whether you have shit to say or not. anyways enough on that because this is too long now.

another thing i wanna point out is people who say "i don't listen to music, i only like soundtracks." LIKE SHUT THE FUCK UP. you're not 'different' if you only listen to your undertale and deltarune soundtracks and keep megalovania on repeat. you just seem stupid and love attention if you do that, i'd rather you say that you only listen to nettspend rather than that. i would admit that there are some good soundtracks out there, whether it be from games or movies. for example, the euphoria s1 and s2 soundtrack, the turning, the idol, ultrakill (tenebre rosso sangue is soooooo good) and a bunch more (i'm trying not to say where you belong and earned it from 50 shades of grey or a thousand years from twilight lol). 1 thing i'd like to say is that it does not make you different if you say that and you just seem stupid around everyone else when you say that, and that applies to everyone in my perspective. but if you actually only listen to soundtracks, please listen to actual music, its worth it.

gonna be straightforward on this one, WHY IS TIKTOK SO TOXIC? when i decided to experiment on tiktok like last month by creating a new account, my for you page was full of pro-an@ and self-h**m influencing stuff. i know there are lots of video essays on youtube regarding this but this is seriously concerning for the amount of 12 year olds (or younger) who use tiktok and indulge this content because from what i've seen, kids will watch ANYTHING and remember that shit. i'm gonna give a real life example, i was at my 9 year old cousin's birthday party and i showed her a video of the iconic 90th anniversary fendi runway show at the trevi fountain (it's my favourite show :D). 3 weeks later, i come back and she asks me the question "who was that girl in the blue dress from that video?". so i'm pretty sure this proves my point. anyways i could give endless examples of this but i don't wanna make this longer than it is already. my point is that this is seriously concerning for the younger generation, especially with those youtube shorts with the subway surfers on the right hand side of the screen and this guy talking about creepy-pastas on the left. first of all, this is basically enforcing ADHD in them since its limiting their attention span to the borderline at this point, second of all, 99% of the time that info is not true and filling your brain with misinformation. back to the point, kids will take in that content which is really harmful for them mentally and physically, this applies to boys too cus those gym videos which i always see on my fyp are pretty harmful to them and i personally don't think tiktok should be for kids.

i cant think of anything else to add :P

[bitchkay]

Yall really want me to autisticly word vomit all over this page👁👁

@sophiaredwood03 @brainpancollectionsite

Damn if yall insist🙄✋🏽

What I'm thinking about references ALOT from guys path and maybe a few events as well as other consort paths so SPOILERS but I'm mostly just talking about Guys family, the lore surrounding him and his relationships with his family and what ages they can possibly be

When estimating ages I always like to start with these three boys because of what their age gaps are implied to be and go from there and place every one else inbetween or some such

Now Guy and Toa are somewhat implied to be the oldest of the seven princes

Any and almost all info and mentions of times passing are few and far between and very ambiguous unless that's the focus of the story ex. anniversary/birthday events where the passing of time is literally commemorated but it's still not very informative. Even casual implications of time passing aren't very informative cus it's usually shit like 'the next day' or 'a few days later' and you don't really get a good grasp of how actually long its been like has it been a week?? a month??? 3 days???? 4 days????? We also don't really know how time passes in Saligia, a few days could be equivalent to a month on earth for all we know

All that said we don't actually know the age gaps between the princes really at all except that some of them are the same age

But we'll start here

Toa and Guy are- at least I think, are the oldest of the 7 princes.

I think Toa is older (Toa remembers when Guy was born and how his studies got more rigorous because Guy was notably gifted and was trying to "catch up") his birthday is in July and Guys birthday is in November which would make them 5 months apart if they were born in the same year so I think they're definitely at least 1 year apart

Guy and Aquia are suposed to be close in age

One of the reasons Aquia attends the academy other then how he's second inline for the thrown is because him and Guy are closer in age then they both are to Zev

While by my memory it wasn't worded that they did mention Aquia being the brother closest in age. I specifically remember the short phase "closest in age". My interpretation of this being that the age gap between Aquia and Zev is larger then the age gap between Guy and Aquia.

How large tho?

I'm not sure if Aquia was around when Guys mother died but if he was how young/old was he?

Queen Min Avari – the first queen – Guys mother, was apparently Rocs favorite. King Roc was definitely in love with her considering the amount of resentment Rahm has for her.

Rahm literally tried to kill Guy not only because she wanted Aquia to take the throne but also because she knew Queen Min was Roc favorite and couldn't stand being "second choice"

Which apparently to her means 'yup time to kill her off spring😋' /j

We learn in the event "a view to marriage" an Avarian king is allowed to have more than one queen, maybe not to the point of Luxure having several hundred queen consorts but it wouldn't be uncommon to have a wife or two

And if Roc did love Min where did this ideology that women only want power come from?

Because on multiple occasions Guy has expressed how certain things MC has done reminded of his mother so we can assume that Min was at least a kind person

After Guy's mother died he shut out alot of people and kept arround the people that were closest to him

Aquia knows of this side of Guy in my opinion quite well so I think we can assume yes Aquia was around when Guys mother died

Guy seems to hold alot of fond memories of his mother but I'm pretty sure he was young when she died too, cus I don't think he knows alot about her either, I think he mentioned it in his path

He definitely wasn't grown when she died cus while yes if my mom was killed at my big age it would still be devastating but Zev most definitely wasn't even much of a thought at the time, bro was a sperm swimming arround in Rocs balls💀

I'll touch on Zev in a moment

If Guy was young at the time, how young was he? How old was Aquia?

I think we can assume Min and Rahm were queens at the same time and yes despite how literally fucking insane Rahm is she was not Mins killer. That's proven at the end of Guys path when he uses ancient magic on her to tell the truth.(he asks her specifically if she killed his mother)

If Aquia knows what Guy was like during his mourning period to a degree it's safe to assume he was there, then he had to have been at least sentient. Conscientious of his existence and memories and some such.

Most children become aware that they're y'know people around 3-6 year's old, some children don't have that kind of realization and just kinda wake up one day knowing that yeah they're a person, they have thoughts and autonomy and they can actually control their bodies. For a thaumaturge maybe they realize there's magic running through their veins. Alot of thaumaturges (mc asked around for when they casted their first spell) have said they casted their first spell as a toddler so their mini epiphany can literally just be when they realize they can control it actually and not just think something it happens.

At the very least Aquia had to be 6-7, AT MOST maybe 9

But how old does that make Guy?

If Aquia is 7 Guy is clearly some bit older than him cus obviously

I'm gonna say 10, any older and we start moving into preteen areas

Guy also had Jasper at the time

Alot of valets except for Knight and Violet(and Lance's valet Zeneau as well as Jay) has been with their charges since childhood, spending a portion of that childhood together both as children

Jasper mentions playing with Guy as kids, Grayson also mentions something similar about Roy and Sherry, Rio taking in Thoma from the orphanage as a child, Tinos also been serving Lynt for a long time but I'm not sure if its from childhood but Tino definitely reminisces on a younger Lynt

The valets are older than their princes an amount but in Jaspers book two it mentions specifically that Jasper is an older man

I don't think he's crazy older but maybe a good amount

Just to be clear I think MC is around 25 or something like that maybe a little older like 27

If Guy was around 10 when his mom died Jasper could've been a young teen maybe 14 or something

They did play together as kids so I think that age gap isn't too big

If they played together they could've been 8 and 4, I don't really have to consider when they were born too much because Jaspers birthday is in September, Guy's birthday in November, so they both have late birthdays

I'm gonna back track a little and say what if Aquia wasn't around at the time and Rahm hadn't married Roc yet

I kinda wanna talk about his relationship

I kinda wanna stick by Guy being around 10 when his mother died

If we assume Aquia actually wasn't around when Guys mother died and Rahm hadn't married into the royal family yet, when did Rahm come around and when was Aquia born

Min Avari is said to be Rocs favorite, and according to Rahm said she will always be his first queen

If Roc really was in love with her, how long until he moved on with Rahm?

Also let me just say Roc married Rahm because she knew Min. No other motives. I'm not gonna say anything else about that.

I think Addis Ira is an example of not needing a queen to run a kingdom but at the same time it's Addis Ira, can we really use him as an example for anything?🤨

Addis Ira essentially killed Lance's mom by knowingly letting her die of a very curable disease and I don't think they were ever together in the first place

Oh shit I just looked it up and apparently they were married damn😶😶 her name is Irina Ira (I just know she pretty😋)

Bruh if they were married why the fuck was she and Lance living in poverty for the first part of Lance's life⁉️⁉️⁉️ BRO WAS LIVING IN BEAT UP TENT IN THE DESERT WHILE HIS DAD WAS-- imma stop cus... imma stop

Uh anyway that's fucked up moving on...

But yea I don't think it's actually required to have a queen but Roc can definitely have more than one if he wanted to.

Roc went through a period of mourning after Guys mom died too cus I mean shit that's still his wife, mother of his child and literally his queen. According to Guy everything changed after his mother died

If Min truely was Rocs favorite, his first queen, how long was he mourning for? How long until he decided to bring another queen to the kingdom?? And is this where his ideology that all women want is power started??? Was every woman he met after that selfish??

Guy and Aquia are suposed to be close in age so it couldn't have been too long

What if Rahm actually was around but Aquia wasn't born yet?

There's still the possibility that Min and Rahm were queens at the same time Aquia could've just not been born yet

Whether he was still a little sperm swimming arround in Rocs balls or a fertilized egg marinating in Rahms coochie

It's less complicated to figure out if we just assume Aquia was around at the time

Cus then I'd have to infer when Rahm became queen, how long Rahm was was queen for or when Roc decided to slam shorty into the mattress so she's pregnant, absolutely fucking her up, drilling her shit, rearranging her reproductive system, truly messing up her coochie(that should've been mE😭‼‼) so Aquia can be born

That's alot of thinking and I don't wanna do it😋

So we'll assume Aquia was 7 and Guy was 10 when Min Avari died

Actually I'm gonna dub the ages down a bit hold on

I'm gonna say Aquia was 6, Guy was 9, so Jasper can probably be 13 at the time Min Avari died.

Going back up to the top then we can then assume Toa was 10 at the time, maybe 11 considering his birthday comes first

Now onto Zev

Zev's a tricky one cus we don't really know how he he fits into the rest of the lore or how big the age gap really is

He wasn't really around when Guys mom died but he's definitely grown enough to mingle in the same spaces with his brothers now without being told off

Definitely old enough to drink that's for sure

We don't even know the drinking age in Saligia hold up, all we know is that yup they are definitely old enough

His mother also is something of an anomaly

The third Queen of Avari

She has a name, I forget what it was but it starts with a T????? Trina???? Tori?????? I think it's something like that

The wiki says unknown mother but I remember someone said it was mentioned in a story and how she's super nice and stuff but don't take my word for it cus this me remembering a Discord chat about it

When did Zevs mom become queen and when was Zev born?

Yall I actually found the Discord messages💀💀

Zevs moms name is Torina. Torina Avari and according to Guy is the nicest person

Yall I was so close😭😭 I guessed Trina and Tori and then look her names Torina😼 all I had to do was combine them like💀

And shit if that's Guys opinion than she really must be nice fr and not 'irritatingly nice' actually nice, kind hearted" in his words

I think Roc has a type😶(except Rahm, Roc never truely loved Rahm, I don't even think he liked her either tbh)

I'm still tryna figure how the ideology that woman only want power came to fruition cus all Rocs wives have been good people, like I even think Rahm was good before she was filled with jealous rage

Like is he picking these women because they can raise his children for him or something??????????????????

Is this an ideology that's been in his head since before he married????? And if so all your wives are decent, why tell your son that woman are evil if you clearly love pum pum--

Is the fact that they married him the power what they wanted and they just good with that like are they like "alright I'm queen now, time to have this mans babies😋😋"

Also considering we got three sons already it's at this point determined Roc shoots out boy baby seeds into the vagina garden

And plus I think all three sons look like they mama too, idk what Min or Torina look like but I just know they sons like like them😌

Although Gilbert Qelsum shot 3 girl seeds before getting a boy so you never know

What do you think would happen if Roc was a girl dad😳😳

ANYWAY HOLY SHIT imma get back on track

Back on Zev(its me, I'm on Zev😈)

There isn't much lore surrounding Zev or specific moments in the backstory that specifically have Zev in them or moments with Zev that imply he was around during a certain time

So it's hard to draw certain conclusions

This I can say for sure(kind of) the age gap between Aquia and Zev is bigger than the age gap between Guy and Aquia

Unlike the two elder brothers Zev kinda just happened, like he was introduced and that was it, he's a character now and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the circumstances of his birth were similar

Zev likely was unexpected or not entirely unplanned for, but that DOES NOT mean unwanted

Zev was most likely born after the events of the past have already gone and blown over or at least wasn't sentient at the time or too young to remember. Zev very much stomps to the beat of his own drum and is very expressive compared to his older siblings, and though he stays in Avari with his own duties in the kingdom rather than at the academy with Guy and Aquia he carries himself alot freeier than them if that makes any type of sense

No way he's without his own hardships or even his own traumas but like he was (probably) born after Guys mom had already died or too young to remember so the side of Guy that's closed off and cold and the side of Aquia that wants to follow Guy around like his shadow(as kids mind) is all he's really ever known

Even their dynamic as adults is like this, where Zev is very outgoing and loves flirting with woman and talking to people, whereas Guy is indifferent to crowd and find it somewhat of a bother, and Aquia doesn't mind the crowd but will probably stay close to Guy until told otherwise

However

Zev and Aquia are very similar in their admiration for Guy

They both want to stick by his side and gain his approval, of course they care about him as a brother too but Guy was also a prodigy, named notably gifted and very proficient at magic from a very young age and seems to be good at everything hes ever tried. For a little kid that's huge, it gives you something to look up to, something that you wish you could have even a fraction of and knowing you're related to him, that he's your older brother, that on it's own will build the basis of their hero worship for Guy, whether or not Guy pays mind to them or not

The only difference between Aquia and Zev is that Aquias admiration for Guy is very obvious but it's obvious in the way how Sherry can't cook but no one has the heart to tell her that she can't cook, but everyone knows that she cant cook💀

Except for Sherry.

I think Zev was born in the same decade as Guy and Aquia but later in the decade

Example using easy numbers, I inferred that Guy and Aquia are three years apart (9yrs and 6yrs) say Guy was born in the year 2000, Aquia would've been born 2003, I think Zev would've probably been born 2008 or something, 2009, those times there

Zev doesn't have a birthday so I can't really use that

Aquias born in August btw, he got a birthday when his consort path released on the jp server

But yeah that would make Zev 5-6 years younger than Aquia, 8-9 years younger than Guy

If Guy was 9 when his mom died and Aquia was 6, Zev probably wasn't born yet or was really super young, like freshly birthed young, wrinkly and raw fresh out the coochie kind of young

But if this was the case does that mean that all three queens were together at the same time?

If Guys mother was freshly 😵 and Rahm was already a queen for at least 6 years and Torina was queen for at least 9 months(a full term pregnancy) that would mean they've were queens at the same time together

Would that put them in the same category as sister wives😳😳

I can't even think to estimate how old they would be in the game currently cus time is so strange not to mention these mfs age slower because of the magic running through their veins like this magic shit is like some anti aging serum

These mf could well be 100 year old like

Cus haven't these bitches been at the academy for 10 years???????????????????

Dias been there for for his whole damn childhood, been thru all his godamn awkward phases at that godamn school, bros been there since he was 10 then became a student when he was old enough💀

LOU IS EVEN OLDER TOO

BRO WAS HEADMASTERING IT UP WHEN THE KINGS WERE STUDENTS THEMSELVES LIKE BRO IS A VAMPIRE 1800 YEARS OLD ASS BITCH

If we go with my example of Guy and them being born in the 2000s today in 2023 that would make Guy 22(because his birthday is in November) Aquia, 19(because his birthday is on the 22nd of August, so the end of this month) and Zev 15, we don't know his birthday so I can't even be specific

Those ages feel so wrong💀💀

If someone told me Guy was 22 I'd side eye the hell outta them because bro does not look 22💀

and also I literally wanna fuck Zev I SWEAR TO GOD I DON'T LIKE KIDS I SWEAR TO GOD THAT BOY IS NOT 15 THAT IS ALL TYPES OF NO

Plus Zevs old enough to drink, and not that underage drinking doesn't happen but if a 15 year old went to a bar they'd not even just get kicked out but have their mother called on them cus boy wtf you doing in a goddamn tavern🤨🤨

But I also chose those years because they're easy to work with, I am not good at math

But we have the foundation of the the ages and can flesh them out from there

Figuring out age gaps are the first step to figuring out their ages because then you know how far apart they are in age so no matter how old they are that fact is fixed

Let's make Guy 32

If Guy is 32, Toa is 33

If Guy is 32, Jasper is 36

Aquia would be 29

Zev would be 23

Those feel like more reasonable ages for them and if they really are hundreds of years old cus they're fucking thaumaturges just add a 0 at the end💀

This mf Jasper is 360 years old cuh😤😤

Yeah

I think imma stop here cus I been typing alot, this post is so long already

But yeah that's basically the long version of THE START of how you can interpret ages and you can flesh out the rest from this point and place the other characters around or in between them☆

When you really think about it

Guy, Aquia, and Zev are perfect examples oldest–middle–youngest sibling syndrome

Cus first of all Aquia gives such middle sibling energy

People really do not pay him no mind💀

If Aquia wasn't such a sweetheart he could really be out here in these streets and nobody would know and possibly not care and that actually kinda sad

People pleaser, especially in regards to Guy, he really just wants Guys attention and approval SIMPLY AS A BROTHER but doesn't think hes worthy of Guys attention because he admires him so much, hes really independent but hes good at making good friends/companions, he's something of a peacemaker I guess hes good at being a mediator I thinks, Aquias actually kinda shy and pretty complicit so he doesn't fit into the 'act out for attention' stereotype unless someone can prove me wrong

Aquia is quiet too, like have yall clocked how invisible Aquia would probably be without the Avari name attached to him

I think Zev is the only one that's really ever given him a chance to talk but at the same time Zev loves to talk and loves the attention

Zev annoying Guy and Jasper in the short stories

That literally has youngest sibling written all over it

I would know.

Definitely spoiled, just wants attention bruh, will annoy talk to his older brothers at any opportunity, very extroverted, open(bro has no filter), sense of humor of the family-- "You've gotten so big, how old are you? 18?" "I'm 23." feels like hes been the same age for too damn long

Also Zev is a whore(affectionate but also derogatory but in a "I care about you" criticism kind of way) the youngest child is often never truely seen as full grown or able to reach the same level as their older siblings and while I think theres other things going on in there as well as think it could be completely unrelated, I conspire that Zevs "leisure pursuits" are a way for him to 'grow up' a little faster

And then we have Guy

Specifically oldest son cus oldest daughter is a WHOLE different category.

Indifferent to most things at this point, stubborn, not very expressive, domineering, more or less tolerates his younger brothers but wont go out of his way to entertain them, but were the opportunity to arise and he thinks they deserve it hed take them out just for a brief respite cus they're still his baby brothers, entitlement, old enough to drink around parents and know the juicy family gossip with older folks, shows signs of narcissism, "When are you going to get married?"

Being a child prodigy of some sort dosen't help his case either💀

Like ok gifted kid😋😋

Let's be honest all three of these boys need to go to therapy💀

Well I think everyone can benefit from therapy--

But this family INCULDING RAHM AVARI‼ ESPECIALLY RAHM‼‼ they need some group therapy, family therapy in here

I feel like I have to talk about ages again💀

I've probably made 3 posts about how the fuck do you even perceive how old they are now I'm thinking about yk these three and what their age differences are implied to be but that in relation to the lore associated with this corner of Avari-- yall lemne stop before I go off on a tangent hold on

[ameliora-j]

happier than ever // hp x reader

words: 1.7k

warnings: breakup, talk of the war, angsty asf, i think that’s all but as always lmk loves! :)

a/n: based on happier than ever by billie eilish,, italics are flashback/song lyrics

a/n ii: i do NOT like nor do i promote billie eilish in any way at all. but the song is trending on tiktok and i thought it’d be a good fic idea

it was the biggest argument the two of you had ever had. the one that resulted in the end of your relationship. you regretted every single second of it. you knew that he was trying. that he just wanted to help. he was trying to make a better world for himself. for everyone. for you. for both of you. so you could have the future you always talked about.

but lately he wasn’t around. he had a lot of responsibilities, you understood that. but you were his girlfriend. and lately he wasn’t being much of a boyfriend. you tried to push it away when he called rain checks on your dates. or when he was late because it “slipped his mind.” or when, sometimes… he didn’t even show at all.

it was your final straw when he showed up three hours late for your anniversary dinner. it wasn’t even your true anniversary… that was two weeks ago. but he had missed that because he was at hagrid’s hut with ron and hermione. you pushed it off with a shrug and a small smile. no more than a “it’s okay harry, i promise. i know you have a lot on your plate right now,” as you kissed his cheek and retreated to your dorm for the night.

but that night… that night you just had so much pent up anger. you were sick of it, truthfully. and you flipped out. “why’re you so dressed up, love?” the question would usually have made your heart sink. but by now you were used to it. now you just scoffed. you were numb to the hurt of him forgetting.

“had an anniversary dinner with my boyfriend. but it seems like he forgot… again,” you spoke plainly.

“darling i’m so sorry you have to believe me,” he implored.

“it’s fine harry. really,” you shrugged as you blinked back your angry tears.

“we can… we can reschedule. tomorrow i promise,” he bit his lip hopefully.

“no. it’s fine,” you shrugged.

“okay. if tomorrow doesn’t work, we can try next week maybe?” he tried again. you shook your head again. “okay well if not next week then i’m not sure. i’ve got army meetings and ron, mione, and i have plans with hagrid. plus we’ve got the end of years coming up so i have to study. when do you want to reschedule for?”

“i don’t harry,” you answered, finally letting the dam break. two tears fell slowly down your cheeks. “i don’t want to reschedule. or try a different day because there won’t be one. it’ll just be the same thing all over again. you’ll be late. if you even care to remember that we have a date at all,” you spat bitterly.

“yn, i’m trying,” harry quickly became defensive at the venom spitting from your tongue. “i’m doing my best really, can’t you see that? i’m trying to save the world here, you’re not making it easy by being so clingy,” he spat ruthlessly.

“then let me make it easier on you, harry. you never have to worry about me again,” you offered a sad smile as you turned and began to walk away.

“you’re breaking up with me?” the sea-eyed boy was dumbfounded.

“yeah. i’m making saving the world easier on you. you won’t have to worry about a clingy girlfriend anymore. go do what you need to do and save the world harry,” you told him. “too bad you couldn’t save your relationship as well,” you sniffled as you retreated to your dorm.

it hurt you to leave harry. but you both needed it. two years of dating and an even longer relationship… and it just all went to shit. it exploded right before your eyes.

you spent the following weeks buried under your covers. sobbing your little heart out, when you weren’t in class. you knew what would come of breaking up with hogwarts’ golden boy and the savior of the world. the dirty looks. the whispers. however, what you didn’t expect… was for the whole wizarding world to hear about it.

what you didn’t expect was for the front page of the daily prophet to read in big, bold lettering: “THE BOY WHO LIVED: HEARTBROKEN.” you read through the article by rita skeeter and you were fuming. she had called you “cold” and “heartless.” and much, much nastier words that you couldn’t even repeat, all of which were completely untrue.

harry had made you out to be the bad guy, of course. the golden boy could never do anything wrong. you scoffed as you picked up the paper and stormed your way to the great hall. all conversation at the gryffindor had died down as their eyes locked on you, storming over to harry. “you LIAR!” you screamed as you roughly shoved his chest, throwing the paper down in front of him.

he raised an eyebrow as he looked down at the article. “i see no lies here,” he shrugged, causing ron, ginny, and hermione to stifle a laugh. you rolled your eyes at this. “you’re nothing but a cold. heartless. bitch,” he spat ruthlessly.

“as if! harry that’s you! you’re cold and you’re heartless! you don’t care about anyone but yourself, oh chosen one,” you spit right back.

“cold and heartless when i’m saving the world?” he raised an eyebrow as he scoffed.

“please cut your little bullshit ‘i the chosen one am saving the world’ ploy. it’s nothing but bullshit! neville could save the world just as well as you can,” you shook your head. “you’re nothing without your title harry. absolutely nothing,” you growled. you saw red. nothing but red. you were positively pissed. anger was the only thought processing in your brain. “you’re an entitled brat harry. who never sees himself in the wrong even when you break hearts.”

“then i guess we’re one in the same, aren’t we, yn?” he snarked.

“oh please. you wish harry. i don’t relate to you. i could never relate to you. cus i would’ve never treated me as shitty as you did,” you shook your head as you spoke. crossing your arms defensively as you prepared to tell the chosen one all about himself.

“i treated you so shitty and yet, i still work my ass off to continue to save your life along with everyone else on the planet. right,” he scoffed.

“cut your bullshit harry. stop with the savior of the world shit. you scared me half to death with all of the dangerous shit you did. you stick your neck out and swim oceans for people who wouldn’t even step over a fucking puddle for you! you think these people care about you? they don’t! you’re a pawn in their little war. that’s all you’ll ever be!” you scoffed again. “i don’t even know why i’m wasting my breath. you only ever listen to your fucking ‘friends’ anyway,” you put air quotes around the word as you forced yourself to keep your tears at bay.

“so what if i’m a pawn! i’m helping! you’ve had everything handed to you on a silver fucking platter you’re entire life! you’d never know what this life feels like!” he shouted back.

“that’s your problem harry! you never see anyone’s problems but your own! you weren’t even aware of the fact that you made me miserable! for weeks you made me miserable. i couldn’t even tell if i still had a boyfriend or not!” you harshly rubbed your nose on the sleeve of your robe. “i wish it wasn’t true, but now that i’m away from you, i’m somehow happier. at least i know you don’t love me anymore instead of having to wonder every night,” you shook your head.

“we’re done yn! you made that very clear when you left me after forgetting one date! why do you care so much!” he yelled.

“because it wasn’t one date harry it was multiple! hogwarts was my home harry! and you made me hate this school!” you shouted.

“so what?! we’re over yn, i’m moving on and handling it in my own way! you should too!” his face was red and the vein in his neck was protruding. all eyes in the great hall—including those of the professors’—were on the two of you.

“no! cus i don’t talk shit about you all over the daily prophet or in school for that matter! i’ve never said anything bad about you!” you yelled at him.

“well why not? apparently you have every right to since i was such a horrible boyfriend for trying to make a better world for the two of us to have a future in,” he scoffed.

you rolled your eyes and decided upon not wasting your breath at his use of that defense yet again. “cause that shit’s embarrassing harry! you were my everything and all you ever did was make me fucking sad!” you rubbed at your nose again, nearly positive that the tip of it was now rubbed raw.

“i’m sorry that you feel like i was so terrible to you. i’m sorry that i couldn’t save our relationship like i saved the world like you said,” he shook his head.

“oh don’t try to make me feel bad harry! i have a whole laundry list of good and bad things about you. but at some point the good stopped outweighing the bad,” by now the inevitable had happened and tears had begun to spill slowly over your lash line.

“really? cus it sounds like you have nothing but bad things to say,” he snarked with a small scoff.

“i mean i could list all the times you showed up on time, but it’d be empty because you never did. you ruined everything good in my life, harry. and you always say you’re so misunderstood but you’re not! you’re just a heartless, selfish, asshole!” you shoved his chest roughly. “just fucking leave me alone! and keep my name out of your mouth,” you rolled your waterlogged eyes as you walked away.

once you were in the safety of your dorm, you let it all out. you slid slowly down the closed door and pulled your knees to your chest, releasing all the sobs you held in during your screaming match. your heart broke for the second time in less than a month. you choked over sobs as your stomach twisted in pained knots, matching the feeling of your heart thumping behind your ribcage.

your everything was gone. but somehow… you were happier than ever without him.

[harryhoney-bee]

Innocent Baby

You tell Harry you are a virgin.

Words count: 1.2K

Masterlist

Everybody knows that Harry Styles already had many girlfriends, it’s not a surprise, but what had everybody shocked, was when he started dating an unknown girl. And guess what? The unknown girl was (y/n).

Suddenly, all the world wanted to know more about you, and principally about your past, with that including the schools you went to, the parties you attended, and, of course, about your ex-boyfriends.

When they come up to the media, you and Harry were 2 months together, still in the “honeymoon” phase, so the talk about exes didn't happen yet. You knew about his exes mostly because of magazines and rumors, but all he knew about your past relationships was: You got two boyfriends, one at the age of 15, and another at the age of 18, until you both break up, 3 years ago.

So, we can say when you were kind of shocked when he asked about previous boyfriends, but as he was making questions, you were responding. They weren’t crazy questions, just the normal ones, like “how old were you two?” “where did you meet?”, and stuff like that, but the one you expect him to ask you never left his mouth, that was “did you lost your virginity to one of them?”.

Of course, it was an imprudent question, Harry being the gentleman he was would never ask such a thing, he would wait for you to say.

The deal is, you were 21 and a virgin, you don’t feel embarrassed about this, you just didn’t feel like having sex when you were a teen, and the time passed and you remain a virgin.

It never bothered you, until you start dating Harry, he dated big models, older women, and it’s obvious that they did much more than make out on the couch. Making out. That’s the further you two have ever been.

Right now, it’s not about you don’t want to have sex, because man, you are sure you want, but you are really insecure, Harry is a 26 years old man, he surely has a big sexual history, he had the experience, and you had none.

The time passed, and you and Harry are now celebrating your 6 monthly anniversary, you couldn’t be happier, and the best part he looks happy as hell either. You even exchanged the “I love you”.

Both of you were watching a movie, that had been forgotten a long time ago, cause right now, you are sitting on his lap with his mouth on your neck, his lips brushing the softness of your skins, as he made his way down until he got to your collarbone, where he sucked gently, probably leaving a hickey. It was all heaven until he said those words.

“Can I take it off baby?” He tugged your PJ shirt slightly as he kept sucking on your skin. But he stopped when he didn’t hear a word from you.

You were horny and thrilled, but mostly scared. “Does that mean we are going to have sex?”, “Will I be good enough?” You think to yourself.

“(y/n), are you ok baby? Do you want to stop?” He said, stopping your daydream, as he looked at your eyes waiting for a response.

“N-No H, it’s ok, we can get going,” You said that and kissed him on the lips.

“Are you sure? I am really ok if you want to stop, we can just cud…”

“NO! I mean, uh, no, it’s ok, come on, give this girl some kisses” You said with a smile.

But were terrify, you wanted to tell him. You wanted to tell him everything. That you were a virgin and scare, but you made him wait 6 months to have sex, the poor boy must be helpless.

You recomposed yourself and start to think logically “You love this guy (y/n), come on, you been 6 months together, he cares about you. He is horny, you are horny, just do some lovin’”

As you thought that to yourself, you got a confidence boost. You hold the hem of your PJ shirt and started taking off. But in the middle of the process, Harry interrupted you.

“Baby, if you don’t want to take your shirt it's fine, ok?”

You responded to him with a heated kiss.

“Well with that answer I can’t say no,” he said while doing a smirk.

He helped, taking your shirt off, as he sees you in your bra for the first time, he looks at your breast, “beautiful, beautiful”, and he goes to your collarbone again, this time a little bit down than before.

As he kisses your body, you just start moaning.

“Can I put my hand in your boobs, love?” He whispered in your years”

You freeze, all the logical things you thought before just disappeared, this stuff is about to get real.

“Yeah?” You said with a little bit of uncertainty in your voice.

“Why do you sound as if you aren't sure?” he says, looking to you in the eyes, “what’s wrong baby? You are acting a little bit off, if you don’t wanna do stuff it's ok, I am not putting any expectation or pushing you.” Now he looks anxious, scared he might pressure you.

“It's not like that, H…” You said and put your face on his neck, hiding yourself

“What do you mean, baby girl? Come on, you can tell me everything. Come on, look at me, it's communication time” He says that patting your head, so you would look at him.

As you look at him, all you could think about it’s “tell him, tell him, tell him”, so you just did as your intuition told you.

“I am a virgin,” You say, feeling warmth in your cheeks as soon as the words spilled out your mouth.

You looked at Harry, waiting for any response, but he just stood there, with wild eyes, he wasn’t expecting that. So, you just whin, and hide your head in his shoulder.

“Sorry baby, it’s just that I really wasn’t expecting that, ‘cus you know, you had 2 boyfriends and all, it just never crossed my mind,” He said that but you didn’t respond,  you just put more pressure in your head against his body. “Come on, look at me baby, let me see that pretty face”

You take off the head from his neck and say.

“I am sorry I didn’t tell you before, I was just kinda embarrassed and scare an…” You started mumbling, but he ends that with a kiss.

“Hey, it’s okay, baby girl, you don’t need to feel embarrassed about it, nothing to be ashamed of, alright? And we will do everything in your time, so don’t worry” and he gives you a bright smile.

“Thank you H, I love you,” You say and give him a hug.

You both went back to cuddle while watching the movies, you still without your shirt, it was hot anyway.

In the middle of the movie Harry says.

“I don’t believe my girl is innocent ” he chuckles

“Excuse me? I am not innocent! The fact that I have a hymen, does not make me a baby” You punch him on the chest, and he pulls you into his lap.

“You are not innocent? Ok, let's start, have you ever been into 2° base? He asks with a little smirk on his lips.

You blush and look away “No, but that doe…”

“Aha! See! You are my sweet little, innocent baby, but don’t worry, when we have sex you will still be my baby, but not an innocent one…”

Part 2

[brokutosan]

Title. Oikawa Toruu Is Not A Genius, But He Is A Jackass

Pairings. Oikawa Toruu x Fem!Reader

Summary. In which Oikawa doesn’t always tell his girlfriend things. She finds out anyways.

Warnings. Contains manga spoliers! Oikawa’s inferiority complex is mentioned a lot, as well as his anxieties over it. The title and the summary are misleading, sorry. This is a fluffy imagine (sort of).

“Honey, I’m home!” Oikawa Toruu calls out to a silent apartment. Also, it’s three in the morning, but he’s Oikawa Toruu and Oikawa Toruu could care less if he’s bothering the whole building, so long as he could finally take her in his embrace again (he’s up for a treat when she does wake up though, and not the one he’s expecting).

Oikawa takes note of the subtle changes from when he was last here. For instance, the old hand-me-down couch they got from his mom is replaced by a new, clean, and sleek black couch. There’s also some new additions of little knick knacks here and there, but it still felt like home to him. Kicking off his worn out sneakers by the door, not even bothering to check if it knocked over some of her things, Oikawa heads straight to the bedroom, where he’s welcomed by her sleeping form.

She’s dressed in one of his old Seijoh shirt along with white shorts and her arms are clinging onto a pillow. Oikawa gushes at the sight before snapping a quick picture and taking slow, careful, steps towards the bed.

“If you were gonna sneak around you shouldn’t have announced to the whole fucking neighborhood you were home.” She snorts with her eyes still closed. Oikawa stops dead in his tracks like a deer caught in headlights and remains frozen as if not moving would erase his presence all together.

“Hmph!” Oikawa lets out as his face catches a pillow that was chucked at him by his still sleeping girlfriend. “Nice throw babe. Ever thought of a career switch? I can see you making it big in softball.”

“Stop dicking around and just come here.” She mumbles. Oikawa smiles at the adorable sound of her sleep-induced voice. “As you wish my darling.” He says before throwing all his weight onto her sleeping form.

“Toruu, you jackass!” Oikawa lets out a boisterous laugh at her feeble attempts of freeing herself from his arms. The more she wiggles the tighter his hold gets, before she gives in to his embrace.

“I missed you so much.” Oikawa mumbles into her hair once they’ve settled in. He flips them over so they’re now laying side by side, with one arm slung over her form rubbing soothing circles on her back and the other placed under her head.

“Sorry I couldn’t pick you up from the airport. My boss wouldn’t push back the deadline.” Oikawa shakes his head ‘no’ and mumbles out, “It’s fine. This makes up for it.”

“Good, cus you’ll feel my wrath tomorrow morning.” Oikawa gulps down, knowing she’s totally serious.

-

Oikawa wakes up after the first good night’s sleep he’s had in a few months to an empty bed. He catches a whiff of miso soup which leads him into the kitchen, to a sight he’s been missing after all those years in Argentina.

Hunched over the stove is his girlfriend, clad in an oversized t-shirt while mixing something in the pot. The sight makes him smile, before her voice snaps him out of his daydream. “Oi, don’t just stand there, go set the table.” He salutes and scoops up two bowls of rice and places them down on the table alongside various side dishes.

Y/N sets down the pot she was stirring on the stove, letting Oikawa catch another whiff of her familiar cooking. “Thank you for the meal.” He says with a huge smile on his face. Y/N sits down across from him on table, where she then proceeds to stare him down.

The sight reminds Oikawa of his mom, who’s an expert at chastising him with looks alone. She bites down on a spoonful of rice, not once breaking eye contact with him. Oikawa racks his head for anything that he could’ve done wrong to deserve this mental beating. Their anniversary? No, it’s coming up in two months. Her birthday? Like Oikawa could ever forget. Then -

“Mind telling me why exactly you’re here on a vacation?” Oikawa feels the hairs at the back of his neck shoot up. Of course he couldn’t. If she found out he got sent home from over exerting himself again, she’ll rip his head off.

“I mean, there’s no anniversaries coming up, no birthday, and I doubt you’re here willingly where your team ain’t.” She lists off the facts with her fingers. Oikawa can feel the storm coming, this was only the calm before it.

“If you wanted to hide the fact that you’ve gone and practiced yourself ‘til you collapsed, maybe don’t have me listed as your emergency contact!” There it is. The ‘wrath’ she had mentioned the night before. “I mean seriously, Toruu! Did Hajime not tear your ass apart in highschool enough for practicing too hard?! You want me to do it too?! I’m scarier than that beefy bastard!” Yes, yes she is. Oikawa silently tells himself.

He clears the table of anything she could use against him as a weapon. Her chopsticks, fork, and empty mug, to name a few things.

“Oops?” Oikawa flinches as her palms make contact with the table. “Oops?!” She screeches. Oikawa gulps down a spoonful of miso soup, trying his best to avoid her gaze. He’s expecting more yelling, but is met with a soft look and a teary girlfriend over miso soup and rice. Fuck. He’d prefer the yelling girlfriend.

“Did you know how useless I felt when your coach called me saying you were bedridden for a week because you just didn’t know when to stop?” She lets out a deep breathe and continues, “Like what the fuck was I supposed to do from across the world? Fucking pray you weren’t out there dying? You didn’t even have the decency to call and let me know!”

Despite her larger than life personality that Oikawa has grown to love over the years, the sight of his girlfriend looking so small makes his heart burst from guilt. He fucked up. That much he could admit. His tendency to push higher and relentlessly practice until he felt his lungs begging for a break was always something that worried her, especially now that she’s not exactly within reach to stop him from pushing himself too hard.

“Toruu, I support your dream one hundred percent, even if it’s taking you thousands of miles away from me, but please,” The anger laced in her voice is replaced with desperation, making Oikawa want to reach out and hold her close, “take care of yourself too. If not for yourself, then do it for me.”

He doesn’t know whether it’s the fact that someone cares about him so much to the point it brings her to tears, or the fact that she is in tears, but he feels himself trembling from the burst of affection. Oikawa doesn’t have the best track record of handling his insecurities well, but knowing that that makes her sad makes him want to do better.

Oikawa crosses over the table and gently places her head on his chest, rubbing soothing circles on her back. Though she’s still a bit shaky from yelling and crying, Y/N eventually calms herself down to sniffles and tiny whimpers.

“I’m sorry.” Oikawa decides to speak first.

“I wasn’t looking for an apology.”

“But I’m sorry either way.” He lets his body fall into her embrace, noting this as another thing he’s missed since moving to Argentina. “For not taking care of myself. For not letting you know I collapsed. For always worrying you, but never stopping to check in on you.”

“And I’m sure this’ll happen again in the future,” he earns a light smack on his chest for that, “but I’ll just say sorry for that too.”

“And,” Oikawa mumbles, his face burrowed deep into the crook of her heck, “thank you, for looking out for me even though I don’t deserve it. You can’t understand how much I appreciate knowing you’re there for me, even if it’s not always physical.”

Y/N feels herself relaxing in his embrace, arms finally wrapping themselves around his waist. Her eyes are slightly watery as she looks up and says, “Promise you won’t hide these kinds of things from me anymore?”

Oikawa opens his mouth to respond, but is interrupted,

“And I don’t just mean when you pass out. I mean like if it ever gets hard living alone in Argentina. If you miss home, if you think you’re working too hard and need a break, I want to know everything, Toruu.”

Oikawa simply hums in response, placing a kiss on her forehead. “I promise.”

-

A little while later, after they’ve both calmed down and are cuddling on the couch watching some old movie, Oikawa perks up, suddenly remembering something.

“I brought you a gift, by the way.” He skips off into the bedroom, unzipping one of his many suitcases. (He packed four, plus his carry ons. He’s only staying for two weeks). Y/N is visibly nervous at the fact that this ‘gift’ has a whole suitcase designated for it. Turns out she had a good reason to be.

“What the fuck am I looking at.”

“It’s me!” Oikawa exlaims, one hand forming a peace sign brought up to his face, and the other holding up a horrendous life sized body pillow complete with his face and team uniform. Y/N could only blink, wishing to Christen her eyes from the terrible sight. Or maybe turn back time to before she even saw it. After a long moment of silence, in which Oikawa did not move an inch from his previous position, Y/N finally gathers enough sanity to say,

“Alright, get the fuck out of my house.”

Oikawa decides to dig his own grave by cheekily calling out, “Oh come on babe! Think of it as a coping mechanism for when you’re missing your totally awesome boyfriend-”

A throw pillow makes it’s way to Oikawa’s face. They’re called throw pillows for a reason, because now Oikawa’s forehead is red, tears brimming in his eyes from the loud smack! that met his face hard. But apparently not hard enough seeing as how he still manages to let out a, “nice throw,” over teary eyes and two thumbs up. Y/N thinks her boyfriend might be an idiot.

A/N. Very very very short, I know. I haven’t been writing as much bc I don’t have inspiration for anything??? But I’ll get back into it soon. For now, thank you for reading!! I AM working on the two requests I got, but those might take some time!! Sorry for the wait lol. - chuu

[luvdsc]

hi miss cat! so i just recently read ur fic “august” and it was so heartbreakingly beautiful btw :”) you have such an amazing gift for writing and i hope you continue cus you’re touching a lot of people with the words and scenarios you create,, and the way i just resonate with each character especially y/n?? WOW.

august is also such a memorable and nostalgic month for me cus i met this guy (we don’t communicate anymore tho). we met thru a similar group of mutual friends at a get-together. he lived cities away from me so we usually just communicate via text or online. there wasn’t a label or anything but we would talk for days end. like it was we were “together” but not really “together” JADHHSJAAJ sometimes i would even wait and stay up late at night for him just so we could talk and he would do vice versa as well.

we met during august and i confessed to him later during Christmas Eve. turns out,, the feelings were mutual but it felt weird at the same time?? like usually we feel giddy and happy even but somehow it felt odd?? like in the back of my mind i kinda knew that this was probably gonna be the end and turns out i was right.

after our confession, we didn’t talk for awhile. at first i thought he was just busy so i just waited for him, while waiting, i would constantly message him everyday and update him on what’s been going on with me. i got to the point where i was just desperate like it was okay if he didn’t reply, just at least a “read” to all of my messages would be enough for me. so i rlly related to y/n so much in the fic :”) (btw i’m listening to august by taylor swift as i’m typing this so i’m kinda in my feels rn LMAO)

after 1737271 years, he FINALLY read them and then he blocked me in all of his socials??? LIEK?? OKAY DOUCHE?! then i heard from his friends that he deactivated after for awhile,,, and then when he came back and reactivated, i was able to messaged him again and i was just fed up and completely hurt and confused and asked him why did he block me and just ghosted me for months after everything.

GUESS WHO REPLIED?? HIS GIRLFRIEND?? I DIDNT KNOW HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND,, AND EVEN HIS FRIENDS DIDNT TELL ME ANYTHING, NOR WAS IT SPECIFIED IN HIS SOCIALS?? SO NOT ONLY AM I HURT BUT I FEL DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF?? like i would never try to ruin a relationship :// it was all just so messy.

turns out when i met him during august he was already dating someone, and during December when i confessed to him, it was also the same month of their 1st year anniversary. basically i just wanted to bury myself alive and drown in my tears at this point. it was the first time i was ever so invested in someone but in the end it felt like shit :// he was my “almost” which hurt the most cus he wasn’t technically mine? FOR GODS SAKE ALL THIS TIME I WAS THE SIDE HOE WITHOUT ME EVEN KNOWING LIKE HELL NAW IM OVER THIS😫😤🤢

we chatted a few weeks after, and surprisingly he initiated the conversation as if nothing had happened? he noticed i was being distant and cold and he was like “are u mad at me” nO I JUST RLY WANT TO PUNCH U OFF TO THE NEXT HEMISPHERE CUS YOURE SUCH A DOUCHE!!! and then he was like “i’m sorry, although I don’t really know what i should say sorry for, but yea i’m sorry” the fact that he didn’t see the reason/purpose as to why he should say sorry just makes his apology all the more meaningless 😪🤧

after that we just started fighting and that was the last time we ever talked to each other. i blocked his number and all his social media accounts, i even unfriended our mutual “friends” since i just wanted to cut everything and everyone related and connected to him completely.

but now i’m okay:D looking back, he wasn’t even worth it. it’s just a shame that he was the first person i invested all my love and time to, despite all the distance and uncertainty, that’s what i regret the most. it was also hard cus although i didn’t know about his relationship with his girlfriend i felt disgusted and ashamed of myself for awhile. like the ghosting did hurt but him blatantly lying and flirting with me despite being in a committed relationship hurt worse i can’t even imagine what his gf feels ohgod.

i’m sorry this is so long. but like i said earlier, you really have such a gift for writing and i hope that life offers you lots and lots of colorful, beautiful and fun moments in your life, like how it is in all your stories! hehe ❤️💫✨💐💐 stay safe miss cat and i’m wishing u all the best <3

hi, honey bee !! 💓 omg thank you so much for reading august and saying such nice things about it 🥺🥺💟 and you’re so sweet klashaskfdlj i’m gonna cry, thank you for complimenting my writing 😭💗💗 it makes me really happy to know that my stories can make you feel this way and that you can put yourself in yn’s shoes :’) 

oh god... reading what happened to you, i’m so so sorry that you wasted your time on such a d!ck /: he sounds absolutely disgusting, and the fact that he can’t even see where he went wrong??? also how his friends didn’t say anything?? jfc cheating is the one thing that makes me the most upset, like.... why would he do that???? if you wanna hook up with someone, break up with your s/o first. it’s a douche move, sure, but it’s the worst to cheat. you’re breaking your s/o at that point ): i’ve unfortunately seen both sides of this because of my friends, and god, i’ve seen the strongest girls get broken down because their trust is broken and they think it’s their fault and it’s just so so painful. i’m so sorry you had to go through this, lovebug ):

good on you for cutting off your mutual friends and everything associated with him. you don’t need that in your life, and i’m really happy that you’re doing okay and thriving now, sweetpea 🌸 i’m sorry that he was your first relationship ): i hope that, if you choose to try again, the next person knows how lucky they are to have you 🤍 you should not be disgusted nor ashamed of yourself, angel ): he’s the one who should be feeling those things. you didn’t know, and it’s not your fault. he hurt you and his gf, and that’s on him. (and i hope his gf dumped his sorry @ss)

and it’s okay, lovebug, you don’t have to apologize! 💞 thank you for wanting to share your thoughts and feelings after reading august 🥺💕 and thank you so so sooo much 😭💛 all my stories are based heavily on my life, so i’d say that life has indeed offered me tons of colorful and beautiful and fun moments :’) fingers crossed that i continue to receive more tho!!!! and i hope for the same for you, honey bee !!! i hope life treats you kindly and only good things come your way 🌼🌼 thank you again, lovebug, and i hope you’re staying safe and happy, and i’m sending you all my love and support 🌷🌷🌷✨

[patheticwithanem]

2020 in Retrospect

Hey friend,

I know it’s late, but I HAVE TO DO THIS. I kind of promised myself I’m writing about the year that was. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe it’s to put things in perspective going in to 2021? And today’s my fourth year anniversary with my employer, so I guess it’s perfect timing? (More on that later)

So I was going through my notes (I have this habit of writing down what happens on a daily basis - be it activities, emotions, drama, name it) and one thing’s for sure. 2020 SUCKED. It did. But I’m committing to this no matter what!

First things first: lots of profanities along the way. Well actually, I was about halfway writing the letter when fucking Tumblr decided to refresh and delete what I’ve been writing for about one fucking hour now. So I have to fucking do it all over again. If this is the Lord telling me to stop being sentimental about 2020, fret not my Lord! I’m one stubborn son of a bitch, so I’m carrying on.

Here’s how the rest of the year unfolded. 2020. Let’s go.

JANUARY. Reunions?

January 1. Had a get-together with a few relatives in Malabon. It was fun! I used to be so allergic to family reunions but I guess age creeping in changes you? You value people even more now? This was also the last time we’re able to spend some time with my uncle from Singapore. He brought his family to spend the holidays here. He’s a sweetheart and a great father who’s missed.

January 9. I attended a college dormmate’s wedding. I remember contemplating whether to go or not only to realize I’m actually lucky to be even invited given the fact that I chose to be distant for them for a long while. I also told myself that not showing up is so far from what I’m trying to be. Although I wasn’t there for the whole thing, I’m glad I did come. I was able to bond with my roommates once again whom I treated like brothers ten years ago and that was nice. A not-so-close dormmate even introduced me to his boyfriend and that’s huuuuge. The bride was beautiful too, and I’m glad she’s in the best place right now after all she’s been through. She’s a strong one, that girl.

January 11. Got invited to a birthday pool party of a colleague at work. I have to say I’m actually quite surprised I was invited to this. She’s always had my back though and always kind of looked after me, so I had to go. It was fun but I didn’t get drunk AT ALL. 

January 12. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. The Taal Volcano erupted. It was awful especially for everyone living near the area because everything was covered with ash. It was also a day before my brother’s birthday and we thought the ashfall would be worse the next day so we decided to celebrate earlier. 

January 19. Went to a fiesta. Did not expect to survive that at all. It was a different kind of neighborhood, but the people were nice. 

January 25. Went to a public market with co-workers to buy clothes, eat chicken wings for dinner and then our regular fix of karaoke. Good times. 

Anything else? I was able to book a birthday trip to Yogyakarta, which I eventually canceled because of youknowwhat. Tragic.

February. Blindside!

February 7. Blindside’s a bitch. Yes, that’s what I had written on my notes. I legitimately felt blindsided. So story: I have a friend who I found out was pregnant (let’s call her Ms. Preggy, sorry) and me and her bestfriend (let’s call him Work Son because he was my work son in a lot of ways) decided to hold an intervention for her. The four of us including a friend I’m going to call The-Now-Bestie (kind of a spoiler) whom I had a misunderstanding and was not in speaking terms with will be coming to Work Son’s place. Essentially, the goal was to make Ms. Preggy open up about her pregnancy and her issues with the douchebag father; make her feel that she has us and she doesn’t need to be alone in this. I think it went well, in that regard. However, the whole thing was awkward in epic proportions. It’s as if me and The-Now-Bestie didn’t want to acknowledge each other’s existence, and when we didn’t have a choice, we were sarcastic to each other. I also really felt like an outsider among the four that time; like I wasn’t supposed to be there and wasn’t really contributing to anything. It was a really lonely feeling. I decided to distance myself to them after that.

February 13. WINNERS AT WAR PREMIERE! Words can’t even express how excited I was to see some of my heroes again on screen! Parvati with that “phoenix rising from the ashes” confessional? Damn, girl! Still a fucking legend! It was also nostalgic Yul working his godfather magic once again. I’ve always seen him as a top-tier winner and someone I looked up to for what he represented to the Asian community and the history of Survivor. It was also nice seeing Kim, Tyson, Tony, Sophie, Natalie and Sandra. But I must say I kind of missed Todd. He was my favorite winner and was a great storyteller, a great strategist and a great character with an amazing comeback story. He would’ve been perfect for a season with this caliber of players. And as much as I hate Jeff Probst for shoving him down our throats, I wanted to see Cochran play with these winners! Caramoan’s my first season (a late superfan, yes) and he’s the very reason I got so hooked with the show. I used to think it’s a game where people like me never win. So to see someone like Cochran who’s awkward in every sense of the word (and owning it) win Survivor, it is very inspiring. I like speaking in metaphors and it’s funny how much metaphorical Survivor can be to how I see life now. I see Cochran and if he can win in Survivor, I feel like I can win in life, as silly as that sounds. Cochran sucked his first season, but he then went on to play this dominant game his second try while still managing to be the adorkable underdog that he is. I love that story. Man, I get so worked up when I talk about Survivor! I wish I had that same passion with anything else.

February 19. Mom slipped and had to be rushed to the nearest ER. Good thing there were no fractures and she was fine. I guess we can thank the fats for that? LOL

February 21 ‘til 23. WEEKEND STAYCATION! I needed this! Drinking at the hotel taproom with a live band? YES! Indian for lunch and surf-and-turf buffet for dinner? YES YES YES! That lamb chops, MY LORD. Thank you.

February 29. Leap Day. I started journaling again. 

March. FUCKING COVID.

March 16. The Start of the Lockdown we all come to love now (punk, sarcasm). 

March 17. Politics is so taboo to discuss especially over dinner. But then BAM. I had a major fight with my dad (and by major, I mean MAJOR in a get-out-of-the-house-in-the-middle-of-the-pandemic kind of major). It was basically about a comment he made that’s so misogynistic (towards the Vice President) that I just knew I can’t just let go. It was sooo bad I got all pissed, and when I’m pissed, I can get scary. Maybe it’s the voice or the eyes or both, but the fight got really heated on the verge of getting physical. Which now that I think about it is stupid just because of fucking different political views. Well, I can never get behind the President and they’re huge fans of him and I’ve come to terms with that but it’s just... bleh. I’m not even gonna try to rationalize it because I can’t. It’s just.. disgusting. Oh fucking well. 

April. Wander-fucking-lust.

April 1. I started a 30-day Financial Detox which basically meant no unnecessary expenses. No online shopping, no paying for leisure. None. It was April Fools, but I was dead-set on saving! (Spoiler alert: I failed.)

April 6. Meltdown. I just really couldn’t hold it in anymore.

April 11. Dad’s birthday. After not talking for over a month (which is no easy feat in a tiny condominium unit), we acknowledged each other’s presence. By April 15, it’s like nothing happened anymore. He even gave me a home haircut (which for a beginner, is pretty good). On other news, I started watching The Politician on Netflix and t’was the day I started obsessing on Ben Platt and his music. 

April 16. A year ago, I was enjoying sidewalk pho and almost making friends at Cu Chi Tunnels and the Saigon Skydeck of the Bitexco Financial Tower in Ho Chi Minh. Damn, covid.

April 18. That crazy border-crossing from Saigon to Phnom Penh a year ago. That was fulfilling. Damn, covid.

April 19. A year ago, I was experiencing sunrise at Angkor Wat. Wander-fucking-lust UGH. 

April 30. That Town Hall shoutout from our company’s President because of reaching my quota from last month. That really felt good. As much as I hate to admit it, I like being validated from time to time. It definitely meant a lot especially coming from her who took a chance on me. I was patting my back.

MAY. Endure. Let Go. 

May 14. KING TONY WON. Very well-deserved win. A disappointment of a season if you ask me, but props to the king for dominating an all-winners season. Respect for that. Also Natalie and Michele played great games as well and they should be very proud of themselves. I feel like a proud father to these winners HAHAHA!

May 16. Was pleasantly surprised with Dead to Me. That car scene between Jen and Judy on that ninth episode from the second season? Damn. That’s one of the few moments I teared up because of a TV show. That was powerful. All that tension building up and then that sudden release? I really felt that.

May 26. Why do I always feel all this fucking rage inside of me? I try to think of any triggers but I can’t seem to find one that’s actually reasonable. It’s like the isolation getting the best of me. I initially thought quarantine’s going to be a cakewalk for an introvert like myself, but it wasn’t the case. I feel like I’m losing my shit because I was stripped off of the usual things I have access to whenever I feel uneasy and anxious and angry like this. Endure, let go, I know. But it’s so much easier said than done, right?

JUNE. Breathe.

June 12. So the plan to sell the condo and find a new place is real. We went to this great place in Valenzuela and it was a great house and all but I felt weird. Maybe I was having trouble letting go? Maybe it’s just me being averse to change yet again?

June 15. Slept 6am for that How To Get Away With Murder series finale. That speech. VIOLA. Chills all over my body. 

June 18. New phone was delivered. That was fast.

June 27. First time visiting the village we moved to. We were checking a different house this time and was already picturing us living there. Still felt weird, but maybe less.

Looking at it now, I realize almost nothing happened in this stretch of months. Pathetic.

JULY. Change (that’s not necessarily good lol)

July 3. The Anti-Terrorism Bill signed. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. 

July 10. Doomsday. The ABS-CBN renewal disapproved. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. Also, that first house we checked was bought this day. First heartbreak.

July 22. Decided to donate to one of my elementary teachers to help finance school supplies for his students in the province. That felt good. 

July 24. folklore’s goooood. This is the Taylor Swift sound that I love. (I had to write that down because that was a 2020 highlight to be honest)

AUGUST. Getting older. Again.

August 2. Donated to another cause: to help a really close friend’s mom (who’s a school principal) on financing their students’ lesson modules (they needed more paper so the donation was going to be used to buy more paper). That felt good.

August 3. Started obsessing on Dear Evan Hansen. I mean come on. HOW COME I ONLY KNEW OF THIS NOW?!?! The story, the acting, the soundtrack... it felt like I asked the Lord for a musical for me and he gave this on a silver platter. 

August 9. Lasagna, baked sushi, lechon belly, pansit, cake. Weird combination, I know, but that’s me!

August 11. Discovered the Slowly app. Changed my life since then! I’m not even exaggerating. I guess it has to do with feeling extremely lonely amid the pandemic and getting this platform where you can talk to literally anyone while still keeping your anonymity. And it strips you off of instant gratification you’re so used to because you actually have to wait for your letters to be sent and to arrive. A great exercise for patience if you ask me! And since you have to wait, you make your letters longer and more worthwhile. It’s a platform free of judgment which relies heavily on building actual mental and emotional connections. It’s a gift, truly. NOT EXAGGERATING; YES I’M THAT LONELY.

August 23. The house search continued. This time, the South!

August 24. It was my first time watching a Korean drama and I gotta say I get the hype now. Korea makes great stories and they take their time when telling these stories. The story centering about mental health was definitely what got me to try watching It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, but the show’s so much more than that. That was a great watch.

SEPTEMBER. Finally some light?

September 1. Second year anniversary. I still really miss her.

September 5. My cat’s 5th birthday! Of course we had to celebrate for her with baked macaroni and burnt cheesecake. 

September 11. Lost uncle. He gave a good fight. 

September 19. SENSE8. It’s a show that doesn’t need any explaining. It’s the BEST. I love this cast SO MUCH. I remember thinking if I ever get a tattoo (which is unlikely), I’ll maybe have the title of that Sense8 series finale inked on me. AMOR VINCIT OMNIA. Love conquers all. 

September 27. After a series of unfortunate events, we were led to this house on the same village we keep going back to, and the moment we saw it, we were sold. This is going to be our house. And it happened.

OCTOBER. Surprises?

October 6. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 12. Booked a trip for next year because I’M HOPEFUL AS FUCK.

October 21. Had the best conversation I had in a long time. 

October 22. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t. 

October 28. Organized a digital event for work. I’m still on the fence whether I’m proud of it or not. It was my first event, and I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. While I enjoyed all the preparation that came with it, from making that tactical marketing plan to coordinating with the organizers and my team, I felt like it was bland. There were lapses here and there and I know that we all tried the best we could, but maybe I just pictured it a little better in my mind? It wasn’t a flawless event and maybe I wanted it to be flawless. But it was fun. I never would’ve imagined me hosting an event, but I did. 

NOVEMBER. Decisions.

November 14. So news came and we’re finally moving. The buyer of the condo got approved and it was only a matter of weeks to settle documents and payment and we’re good to go. I had mixed feelings about it. It took me back to that time we started looking for houses. I wasn’t exactly ready to let go of the place I grew with for the past five years. And I wasn’t also ready to let go of the convenience, and the relationships I only have started building with friends I found along the way. But at that moment I knew I had to be happy because they were happy. My family was happy. I knew I have to be happy.

November 21. Started all the packing. Packing meant decluttering and reminiscing, so letting go of more things which was overwhelming at first, but inevitable. 

November 23. I had something checked in the hospital, and something happened and it wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did and it was so fucking bizarre lol

November 28. HAPPY MOVING DAY. It’s that day of the year. Stress was off the charts because of the time constraint and frankly, the lack of preparedness. Good thing a few people helped us with the rest of the packing. It was an impossible task for me and my sister alone so we were glad we got all the help we needed. I did most of the heavy lifting, so I had bruises all over my body for weeks, but after all was said and done, it felt surreal. Felt like everything coming full circle. That first night in the new home? I’ll never forget that. That was special.

December. The end of an era.

December 2. I went back to the condo to stay for a few more days. Get to feel the place one last time. Also lost a huge deal at work to a competitor. I usually really get depressed with these losses, but for some reason I felt indifferent about it. I guess it was my mind telling me I’ve mentally checked out of work already? That maybe it is really time to move on to something that’ll make me care about what I do again? Make me feel again?

December 4. Met someone (who we can call the Professor) I’ve been talking to for a while now. We’ve had some really great conversations leading to this night; talks at 3AM that’s kind of liberating? I was upfront about the moving and that I only have a few days left in the place which is probably why it happened. Professor was also upfront about leaving the country in a few months for an opportunity to work and do research in Japan for five fucking years. It was awkward at first; but we eventually warmed up to each other and spent the night together. 

December 5. Things escalated pretty quickly. The Professor gave me a shower (that was weird but I was feeling it and I thought it was sweet and sexy?). We cuddled until we slept and there was breakfast prepared when I woke up. I don’t usually get to experience this kind of stuff so I really appreciated that. I was feeling it. I thought I can get used to this! I left the place and was invited back again so I stayed over for another night. We’ve had a few more interesting conversations. I was not expecting some of the things we discussed especially the talk about long-distance relationships. The Professor asked me what I think about it and I was honest; I’m not against it but it’s not something I’ll take a chance on if I wasn’t sure about it. Mantra’s always been connection first before commitment. I’m not the “take a leap of faith” kind-of guy; I needed to be sure. Or at the very least be really mentally and emotionally connected with the person. I thought that made perfect sense. I still do.

December 6. So it was finally goodbye. Me and my sister went to the nearest church to donate a few clothes and shoes and to attend a mass. Bid farewell to the Professor too and promised each other to keep in touch. I also had an awkward encounter with my sister’s “friend” who she sneaked in the condo for God knows what for. Pretty sure they did the nasty.

December 13. We went to our old house (the one I spent my younger years in) to get a few stuff for the new house. I only really wanted to get my old bicycle because I want to be biking regularly for the next year. I want to take that fitness journey seriously! So I got the bike and I got to spend some time with some childhood friends. Good stuff.

December 15. A teammate resigned at work. The funny thing is he did it after getting that 13th month bonus HAHAHA! I can’t blame him though after learning about the salary he gets when he’s performing three functions in the team. That’s insane. But it really made me wonder: am I still in this for the long haul? Or do I move on too?

December 17. So I had my work desk and wardrobe delivered. Felt so nice buying things for my room! 

December 19. We got a new dog! Another French Bulldog. He’s pretty sweet. Someone’s not happy! (MY MOM)

December 22. And then this happened. We were supposed to meet after my dentist appointment (which I only used as an excuse to meet and I thought that was obvious) but the Professor never showed up. I waited for FIVE FREAKIN HOURS. I had like clothes with me because we agreed I sleepover but FUCK. Good thing a friend kept me company, but that was horrible. I thought YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. I deserve better.

December 24. We had our house blessed. It was all super spontaneous; we invited a few friends and relatives over and had an intimate gathering. Mom got emotional (AGAIN).

December 27. So Ms. Preggy (from February - oooh that rhymed) had her son baptized. Since she lives a little father from the city, we decided to have a little staycation with some friends there too. The-Now-Bestie and Work Son was there, and we had beer and homecooked food and a slew of great conversations to cap off the year. 

Also December 27. I knew I needed to get something off my chest. And I just had to say it. 

“You’re so unfair. You shouldn’t have done that. Gave me false hopes. Gave me a “3-day trial period” only to disappear without any warning. Made promises you never intended to keep. You could’ve just told me you’re not interested anymore and I would’ve been fine with that but instead, you ghosted me. For the past few weeks since that weekend, it never seemed like you wanted to get to know me better. Or even just keep the communication going. It’s been one-sided and I wonder: has it always been this way? Maybe I’m remembering things differently. I told you I like you and I meant that. I’m still wrapping around my head why and how it happened to be honest. Maybe it’s that weekend? Maybe it’s the conversations leading up to when we first met? I don’t know. But things changed after that and I should ask you for an explanation but it’s really not the point. The point is I thought we can work something out and you hurt me. You may feel like you’re running out of time because of Japan but it’s no excuse to do that to anyone, really. You seem so sure about what you want so I hope you get whatever that is. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the memories.”

That was intense.

December 28. The Professor responded. “I apologize... I am getting attached... I had to “ponder on its implications to me in the long run”... I decided to slow down... It hurts... “That weekend that we met felt like I knew you before”... I am afraid... “You have no idea how hard it is to leave everything behind every 4-5 fucking years not because I wanted it but because I have to”... I still hope to continue whatever we have... “I will always remember you. Please don’t forget about me.”... YADA YADA YADA. 

I know. You know me. I try to empathize as much as possible. But I mean, come on. These are things I already know. It’s not what I needed to hear.

December 31. I needed to say something one last time. There’s already a lot of uncertainties in the world with COVID and life and everything else. I knew I needed answers; I want the binary. I want the black or white for this one. I’m not taking the gray with me next year. So I asked the following questions:

“What do you want from me? Do you want to be friends? Or we stick with occasional catching up on Viber every once in a while (because that’s what it sounds like to me)?”

“What do you want to get from your last two months here? What are you looking for? Just make the most “fun’? Or look for something that will stick?”

“Have you told me anything you really didn’t mean?”

“That one time we talked about long-distance, were you asking me?”

Fast forward to now: I never got the answer I needed. I guess this is one of those rare occasions where no answer is the answer. And after a few weeks of contemplating about it, I am leaving it behind in 2020. 

I’m actually at peace with that.

So there you have it. The suck-fest that is 2020. The first month of the new year wasn’t so bad. I feel this great energy. This year’s going to be different. I did tell you that this letter’s perfect timing. That’s because I’ve resigned and I’m moving on. A friend told me a while ago that he’s proud of me for finally taking action. The 2018 version of myself wouldn’t have done what I did and he was happy for me. I wanted a clean slate and I took it. That I was finally taking ownership of my life. 

I was elated. My friend usually spoils me with compliments and encouragement and my ever reliable negative self-image tend to disagree with him but for the first time in a very long time, it felt right. I’m not usually excited for New Years, but I guess I am?

I say bring it on, 2021.

Until then,

Patheticwithanem

[carolinesiede]

Reflecting on 2020

The strangest thing about 2020 was how familiar much of it felt: Working from home, extended periods of isolation, weeks and months blending together. To a much lesser degree, those are things I experience each year as a freelancer. And while I suspect it will take awhile before the full extent of the trauma we’ve all lived through this year fully sets in, right now I’m mostly focused on gratitude. I’m grateful for the health of my loved ones. Grateful I already had a work-from-home routine to maintain during the pandemic. And grateful that I was able to quarantine with my family for much of the year—which had its challenges but also its rewards too.

In my 2019 year-end post I wrote about feeling like my career was finally on an upward trajectory after several years of plateauing. This year obviously offered some new wrinkles in that regard. I made significantly less money and felt familiar fears about how sustainable this career actually is. But having less work also gave me more time to focus on the actual craft of writing. I feel like I reached a new level in terms of voice, clarity, and the ability to self-edit. I'm the sort of person who constantly (arguably, obsessively) strives to be better, and it’s rewarding to feel like that hard work is finally slowly starting to pay off.

In addition to devoting my quarantine time to mastering a favorite curry recipe, getting really into the Enneagram, finally learning to French braid hair, and rewatching all of New Girl, I also had some really cool opportunities scattered throughout the year. I interviewed John Barrowman about his surprise return to Doctor Who, which felt like a real milestone for me. I also contributed to the Los Angeles Times’ list of TV shows to binge-watch during quarantine, which appeared both online and in print. And thanks to everything going virtual this year, I was able to attend a press panel for the fifth season of This Is Us, which is the sort of thing I’m not usually able to do as a Chicago-based critic. 

My career is always a juggling act between film and TV, and this year made me appreciate how valuable it is to be able to move seamlessly between both worlds. I took on new TV assignments covering the first season of Stargirl and the second season of The Umbrella Academy, both of which were a blast to write about. And while I didn’t watch quite as many films as I did in my insane catch-up year last year, I did fill in some more major blindspots. I also contributed to The A.V. Club’s list of the best films of 2000 and shared my own ballot over on Letterboxd. Oh, and I set up a Letterboxd this year too!

Elsewhere, I made my debut on Bustle and The Takeout, and ended the year with a Polygon article about “Kind Movies” that pretty much sums up my entire ethos on storytelling. I was also named a Top Critic by Rotten Tomatoes, which was a real honor. But the pride and joy of my career remains my rom-com column, When Romance Met Comedy. I devoted a whopping 49,000 words to analyzing 25 different romantic comedies this year. And I’m really pleased with how the column has grown and with the positive feedback I’ve received.

I have to admit, I sometimes worry that year-end highlight reels like this one can make my life seem easy or glamorous in a way that doesn’t reflect what it’s like to actually live through it. I'm tremendously lucky to get to do what I do, but I also struggle a lot—both with the logistics of this career and with bigger questions about what value it brings to the world. My goal is to approach 2021 with a greater sense of intentionality. I want to be more thoughtful in my career choices, more purposeful in how I use social media, and more active in my activism and politics. I’d also like to do 20 push-ups a day everyday for the whole year, but we’ll see how long that resolution actually lasts.

Finally, on a sadder note, one other defining experience of the year was the loss of my dear internet friend Seb Patrick, who I’ve known for years through the Cinematic Universe podcast. Seb created a wonderfully positive nerd space online, and was a big part of my early quarantine experience thanks to the Avengers watchalongs I did with the CU gang in the spring. I’m so grateful for all the fun pop culture chats we got to have throughout the years, several of which are linked below. Seb is tremendously missed, and there’s a fund for his family here.

As we head into 2021, I’ll leave you with wishes for a Happy New Year and a roundup of all the major writing and podcasts I did in 2020. If you enjoyed my work, you can support me on Kofi or PayPal. Or you can just share some of your favorite pieces with your friends! That really means a lot.

My 15 favorite films of 2020

My 15 favorite TV shows of 2020

Op-eds, Features, and Interviews

Women Pioneered The Film Industry 100 Years Ago. Why Aren’t We Talking About Them? [Bustle]

2020 is the year of the Kind Movie — and it couldn’t have come at a better time [Polygon]

Make a grocery store game plan for stress-free shopping [The Takeout]

What’s Going On: A primer on the call to defund the police [Medium]

Doctor Who’s John Barrowman on the return of Captain Jack Harkness [The A.V. Club]

Episodic TV Coverage

Doctor Who S12

This Is Us S4 and S5

Supergirl S5

Stargirl S1

The Umbrella Academy S2

The Crown S4

NBC’s Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch Musical!

When Romance Met Comedy

Is The Ugly Truth the worst romantic comedy ever made?

Working Girl’s message is timeless, even if the hair and the shoulder pads aren’t

You’ve Got Mail and the power of the written (well, typed) word

Love & Basketball was a romantic slam dunk

How did My Big Fat Greek Wedding make so much money?

America eased into the ’60s with the bedroom comedies of Doris Day and Rock Hudson

I can’t stop watching Made Of Honor

Notting Hill brought two rom-com titans together

It’s time to rediscover one of Denzel Washington’s loveliest and most under-seen romances

Something’s Gotta Give is the ultimate quarantine rom-com

20 years ago, But I’m A Cheerleader reclaimed camp for queer women

On its 60th anniversary, Billy Wilder’s The Apartment looks like an indictment of toxic masculinity

The Wedding Planner made rom-com stars out of Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey

After 25 years, Clueless is still our cleverest Jane Austen adaptation

William Shakespeare invented every romantic comedy trope we love today

Edward Norton made his directorial debut by walking a priest, a rabbi, and a Dharma into a Y2K rom-com

The forgotten 1970s romantic comedy that raged against our broken, racist system

His Girl Friday redefined the screwball comedy at 240 words per minute

Before Wonder Woman soared into theaters, the hacky My Super Ex-Girlfriend plummeted to Earth

Dirty Dancing spoke its conscience with its hips

The rise of Practical Magic as a spooky season classic

In a dire decade for the genre, Queen Latifah became a new kind of rom-com star

Years before Elsa and Anna, Tangled reinvigorated the Disney princess tradition

Palm Springs is the definitive 2020 rom-com

Celebrate Christmas with the subversive 1940s rom-com that turned gender roles on their head

The A.V. Club Film & TV Reviews

Netflix’s To All The Boys sequel charms, though not quite as much as the original

The Photograph only occasionally snaps into focus

Jane Austen's Emma gets an oddball, sumptuous, and smart new adaptation

Pete Davidson delivers small-time charms in Big Time Adolescence

Council Of Dads crams a season of schmaltzy storytelling into its premiere

In Belgravia, Downton Abbey’s creator emulates Dickens to limited success

Netflix’s Love Wedding Repeat adds some cringe to the rom-com

Netflix takes another shot at Cyrano de Bergerac with queer love triangle The Half Of It

We Are Freestyle Love Supreme is a feel-good origin story for Lin-Manuel Miranda’s first troupe

Sara Bareilles’ melodic Apple TV+ series Little Voice is still finding itself

Netflix’s sexist rom-com sensation gets a minor upgrade in The Kissing Booth 2

With Howard, Disney+ movingly honors the lyricist who gave the Little Mermaid her voice

The Broken Hearts Gallery tries to find catharsis in heartbreak

Netflix’s ghostly musical series Julie And The Phantoms hits some charming tween high notes

After We Collided slides toward R-rated camp—but not far enough

Holidate is a bawdy start to Netflix’s holiday rom-com slate

Kristen Stewart celebrates the Happiest Season in a pioneering queer Christmas rom-com

Isla Fisher gets her own Enchanted in the Disney Plus fairy tale Godmothered

Podcast Appearances

Debating Doctor Who: “Orphan 55”

It Pod To Be You: The Wedding Singer

Reality Bomb: Defending Doctor Who’s “Closing Time”

The Televerse: Spotlight on Doctor Who Season 12

You Should See The Other Guy: The Ugly Truth

Only Stupid Answers: Stargirl’s season finale

Motherfoclóir: Ireland and the Hollywood Rom-Com

Called in to Nerdette’s Clueless retrospective episode

Cinematic Universe Appearances

Cinematic Universe: Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

Cinematic Universe: Birds of Prey

Cinematic Universe: Infinity War watchalong

Cinematic Universe: Endgame watchalong

Cinematic Universe: Terminator 2

Cinematic Universe: Josie and the Pussycats

Cinematic Universe: The Cuppies 2020 (Cuppies of Cuppies)

And here are similar year-end wrap-ups I did in 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, and 2013.

[blue-eyes-and-auburn-hairr]

Second Chances Chp. 3

Disclaimer: Okay, I got more notes than I thought I ever would, so while the world is quarantined...I wrote another part.

Warning: Mention of death, fluff, I don’t want to mislead anyone this will very much be a slowburn 

Summary: Can you imagine being widowed at such a young age to a man you thought you’d have forever with? On the anniversary of his death, on top of a mountain, you and Chris begin your new journey together.

Staring up at the sky, watching the lantern follow a path across the stars while taking a piece of me with it. People say it gets easier, but that really has not been the case. Each morning I wake up and my mind slowly drifts to memories that I try and keep locked away and each night the nightmares and terrors of the aftermath play like a reel. I don’t fight them though, I think when they finally stop, it will hurt more. My therapist obviously disagrees with me and we have been working on this but, I am just not ready. My ability to compartmentalize is scary and unhealthy but its been working for the last three years. It is harder to keep the emotions in check on days when you feel like you are being smothered. The phone calls, the text, the Facebook posts and tags from both our family and friends. All of that is sweet and supportive and great, but too much. Another reason I like coming out here and sitting on our mountain looking out at the world. 

I slowly turn around and watch as Chris is still watching the lantern on its journey, he makes eye contact and I force a half-smile. I see Dodger with his head down whimpering a bit, unaware of the circumstances but very much cued in to the emotions that surround him. 

He returns the smile but it does not reach his eyes.  

“Afghanistan, three years ago today,” I shrug not wanting to go any deeper, that’s enough of my past for one day. “That’s a story for another time preferable over some beers and a few shots,” another joke to cut the thick fog that surrounds us. Chris makes a move to reassure me, obviously feeling helpless at this moment. Dodger quickly gets up and sits down between Chris and I. He is facing Chris, watching his movements as though ready to defend me. I rub the top of his head letting him know that I am okay and so is the situation. “I’m okay boy, your pops was just trying to help,” I continue to stroke his head and then look up at Chris’ dumbstruck facial expression. “I...I have never seen him do something like that” he softly mumbled to himself and continues to look at me now with almost an expression of awestruck. 

“That was beautiful, genuinely beautiful, is there anything else you need to do?” I gently shake my head not making eye contact the mixture of gratitude and shame is swirling. I feel the tears and thickness in my throat return and shake that off as well.  

“We should start to head back then, it’s going to get dark and Dodger is such a baby in the dark,” He chuckles rolling his eyes. 

It was only about a fifteen-minute walk back to the car, but he was right, the twilight sky would only last for so long. Packing up my bag and making sure that I had everything, I met the boys at the start of the trail. 

“I am sorry if your hike took an unexpected turn,” I shyly shrug my shoulders “I feel like I owe you a beer or at least a meal to make up for that, I am usually not this grim of a person” I state trying to convince him and myself. 

“Not a chance,” he says while reaching down to pull the twig out of Dodger’s mouth. 

“I get it and I am sure you have to be up early tomorrow for your presentation and all,” I try not to sound as defeated as I feel. 

“I meant, no chance that you owe me anything. It’s absolutely my treat, do you know of any good places around here?” I tried to read his face, looking for pity, but all I could see was compassion. 

“There’s a nice pub a few miles away, small and simple,” trying to accommodate for him I also mention that there is patio seating that should fit Dodger’s fancy. 

We reach our cars at the same time that Chris announces that he is sold on the idea and says that he will follow me. The emotions of all of this finally set in when I sat in my car. I had not felt anxious or nervous throughout our entire time together until the moment I was away from him. I pushed all of that, for the most part, away and tried to drive perfectly towards the pub. Chris turned in the parking lot after me and got out and put the lease on Dodger again. I finally saw my reflection for the first time in hours and cleaned up the tears stains that still traced my skin. 

“I am not gonna lie, I honestly thought you were gonna keep driving when I pulled in here” I finally announce when I make my way over to his truck. 

“Well now I am wounded Thea, wounded,” he states while dramatically placing his hands over his chest. 

“It’ll buff out, I’m sure,” I say while bumping his shoulder and heading towards the door, I can hear him chuckling behind me. 

I head inside and ask the bartender if there was room on the patio for us to sit and order some food and drinks. She says, of course, hands me two menus and says someone would meet us outside shortly. 

I meet Chris back outside and he’s already made himself and Dodger comfy at a table. As I head over he gets up and pulls out the chair for me, which I know people roll their eyes at but I get a case of the butterflies every single time. 

After some time an older woman makes her way over to us to take our order, Chris takes my suggestion on the burger and laughs when I get carded for ordering a beer.  I roll my eyes and feel the blush creep across my cheeks. I dish it right back though and ask him when was the last time he even got carded, the squinting glare answered that question. The tension and awkwardness left and we slipped into casual conversation. 

I think we talked for 2 hours straight. 

We talked about everything and anything, it was so pure and real. My stomach started to hurt 45 minutes in from laughing so hard. “God, can you imagine growing up an only child or growing up differently than you did?” Chris asked me at one point, he was telling a story about his brother and neighbor daring him to jump from a roof onto a trampoline into a pool. He was proud to announce that he completely chicken out and thinks about how his life might be a little different if he followed through with it. 

“My brother and sisters probably used to pray to be only children growing up, but I honestly couldn’t imagine it any other way. I never take for granted how close-knit we are and I continue to be thankful.” He continued to smile at me and stare at my face, which was sweet but also a bit concerning. 

I whip at my face trying to see if I had something on it and ask him, “What? Do I have ketchup on my cheek or something?” He responds by rolling his eyes for the 39th time in the last few hours. 

“Roll your eyes at me again! I dare you!” He scuffs and goes to roll his eyes again but stops halfway and just starts laughing. 

“I just, I don’t want this to sound weird and freak you out.” He starts to rambles and it was cute but my god he was going to drive me crazy if he kept it up. I reach across the table and give his hand a squeeze in a comforting way. 

“I just, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life” he looks down at his phone “when in reality it’s only been four hours. I know that sounds crazy because I don’t even know what you do for a living, but I feel like I already know ‘who you are’ if that makes any bit of sense. I am just having a tough time believing you are real.”

It absolutely did. It made complete sense and it scared me, but it also gave me another case of butterflies.

“I’m a teacher.” I took the easy way out not toughing the other topic just yet. 

How does Chris respond? He rolled his god damn eyes again. With a retort of “Of course you are, why wouldn’t you be a teacher.” 

“That’s it, Dodger, come here and take your human away from me!” I shout at the sweet boy just trying to take a nap. “Dodger that is the 40th time he has rolled his eyes at me, you need to take him home and teach him some manners please!” I huff sitting back into my chair and watching Chris explode with laughter. 

“You are absolutely insane, I don’t think I have laughed this hard, for this long, in months. I am going to have a set of abs by the time this night is through.” Now it was my turn to roll my eyes at him. 

“So what do you teach?” He finally asked me after his waves of laughter have turned into small chuckles. 

“I am a middle school special education teacher” I state proudly. I truly love and respect what I do for a living and wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Chris is just defeated by this point and just places his head in his hands shaking it back and forth.  “You are really not helping prove that you are actually real” he mumbles into his hands. 

“Says the famous actor I met while hiking a mountain and inviting me to dinner, I left the realm of reality hours ago” I smirk back at him when he finally pulls his face out of his hands. 

The waitress walks over and asks if we need anything else. Chris holds up one finger to me seeing if I’m game for another round. “One more round please and two more glasses of water,” I ask while smirking at Chris. “Ohh also, can we get, I don’t know, maybe a to-go box of some sort that we can put some water in for the pup?” She nods and walks off while jotting it down in her little pad. She returns a few minutes later with all the check and drinks. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to twist your arm or anything,” he says while leaning over and scratching Dodger’s head. 

“Not at all, I just, unfortunately, have to drive home after this,” I say while shaking my head. “I normally cannot wait for this day to end, but today...meeting Dodger and I guess you..,” I smirk trying to make light of a tough sentence to put into words, “It really helped.”

“Well, I am just glad we found you.” 

“Me too,” I say giving his hand one more squeeze before we get up and make our way to the cars. 

Leaving the shot of Jameson sitting on the table, untouched, but always present, unquestioned but simply knowing.

I’ve never tagged anyone in a post before so let’s see if I get this right :)  @chi00072 @capstopavenger​ 

[animes-trash]

Christmas SakuMahi

Hellooo, and Merry Christmas ! This small SakuMahi is for my friend @ino-fujiwara, for the SL secret Santa !! Sorry if it’s a bit short ;; I hope you enjoy it !! (also, sorry for all the typos and the mistakes, I try my best with english) 

there’s also a small surprise in it hihihi

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where the hell is he ?"

Sakuya thought as he was waiting for Mahiru, which already was 10 minutes late. I mean, Mahiru ? Late ? Without sending a message ? Sakuya was getting worried.

He sighed and thought. It was christmas Eve, there was a lot of traffic on the road after all. Still, he couldn't wait.

They had decided to hang out at the christmas market. It wasn't only the day before Christmas, but also their 6 months anniversary of dating. They where still at the beggining of their relationship so he wanted to make everything right to make it last.

Finally, Mahiru arrived a little breathless.

"I'm sorry, Sakuya ! There were so much cars on the road, and my phone has no battery left..."

Sakuya chuckled and hugged Mahiru.

"Don't worry, Mahi, you're here now and that's the most important."

And so they started walking in the Christmas market. It was snowing a bit and the moon was already visible in the sky. Though it was a bit cold, some fires were burning to keep the people warm. It smelt like gingerbread and hot wine.

"Oh look Saku-chan ! An ice rink ! Can we go ice skate ? Please !"

"Of course we can, but be careful not to fall. Though, I'll be there to catch you."

And so they went ice skating. The ice rink wasn't very big, and was a bit crowded, but they still managed to have fun.

Suddenly, the music changed to a romantic song. So then Sakuya grabbed Mahiru by the waist and tried to dance.

Tried.

Don't forget that they were on ice. They just slipped and fell.

"Aouch..."

"Saku-chan, ice is slippy..."

"But I wanted to dance..." he pouted.

"Aww, we can dance after, but not on ice" they laughed and got out of the ice rings. The Christmas market was so big, they didn't know where to go now. They also planned to give each other they "relationship birthday" gift later that day.

They just strolled through the paths of the markets, looking at the diferent stores, when they both decided to stop at some restaurant, that are specialized in French Fondues.

They went to sat at a tables, when they noticed familiar faces.

"Hey, isn't that Hannah and Valentine over there ?"

Sakuya and Mahiru waved at them and went next to them.

"Hello ! What are you two doing there ?"

"Well, this market makes the best French Fondue , and I had to make Hannah taste them. My love only deserve the best" and he smiled at her.

Mahiru laughed : "you two look so cute together ! You almost make me jealous"

"Hey, I'm here !" Sakuya chuckled.

"Come on, we're not thaaaat cu-" Hannah said, but was cut by Valentine kissed her.

"Oh- okay yes we totaly are" she chuckled, all flustered.

"Sorry", apologized Valentine to Mahiru and Sakuya "I loose my manners when I'm next to her" and smiled.

A few minutes of talking later, the waitress came back and put Mahiru and Sakuya to a table, where they ordered.

The fondue warmed them up, because it was becoming colder and colder outside.

"Don't worry for me mahi, my heart's constantly warm when I'm next to you" he said with a wink wink, which made Mahiru roll his eyes.

"I really have the most silly boyfriend"

"And I have the cutest"

After eating, they decided to go to Mahiru's home, because the Christmas Market was about to close.

Even if they were making a christmas party the day after, they still wanted to have a nice evening together.

"Soo, can I finally give you your gift now ?" asked Sakuya. Mahiru agreed and he took out his gift.

"Before judging, look at them" sakuya prevented.

Mahiru opened and found a box of refined knives.

"Okay before you say something, think about it. All your knives are rusted, and the dinner of tomorrow is organized at your place, so you need to have nice silverware"

Mahiru took at good look at it, it was the most beautiful knives he's ever seen. They were silver with gold ornaments.

"Sakuya- they are so beautiful"

Sakuy let out the breath he was holding.

"oOf, you don't even know how stressed I was, I was so scared to fail something and-"

Mahiru hugged Sakuya.

"Don't worry, I love them" and he smiled.

"Come on, with that smile you're gonna scare the people, they will think it's the day. Gosh, your smile is so beautiful"

"Now, it's my turn to give you your gift"

Mahiru handed it to Sakuya, who opened it to find a pair of gloves and a scarf, both green and and pink.

"I knited them myself, you're never wearing cold cloths, I swear to god you're gonna get a cold and I'll be the one to nurse you to health"

"Waa- how much time did you spend on it ? I mean there's so much details ! My gift feels so ridicul next to yours"

"Don't say that !" Mahiru hit him on the head. "Your gift is perfect".

"And so is yours"

"And so is you", Mahiru smiled, making Sakuya blush.

"I'm so happy to be with you, Mahiru. I can't believe it's been already six months, yet I feel like I love you since thousands of years"

I can't believe it either. You make me feel so happy, those six months were the best I've ever lived"

And Mahiru kissed Sakuya. It was still those shy, butterfly-giving kiss, even after six months. They couldn't be more happy with the other one.

And it only just began...

[xingjieisbaby]

Vacation CH 2

The crowd made a pathway for Miu toward the boys.

“I heard you covered my song. Would you like to sing with me?” Miu asked Jeffrey who looked like he saw a ghost. He snapped out of his shock when Zhengting hit him.

“Of course.” He said as she handed him a mic.

Jiu Zhe yang ai ni ai ni ai sui dou yao yi qi

Wo xi huan ai ni wai tao wei dao hai you ni de haui li

Ba wo men yi fu niu kou hu kou na jiu nu yong fen li

Mei hao ai qing wo jiu ai zhe yang tie jin yin wei ni

Xiao Gui looked at the girl with a soft smile as she and Jeffrey sang. The song soon came to an end with the crowd applauding the two.

“Miu! Is he your secret boyfriend?” A fan asked in english. Miu shook her head with a laugh.

“No but he’s close by. You guys will meet him eventually. But until then, let’s give it up to my group, the Guardians!” Miu said as music started to play. Four girls appeared next to Miu. Their song was in Korean as most of the members are korean. The sing highlighted the group’s powerful rappers and talented singers along with their popping dance skills. The song ended with Aria doing her signature flips.

“Thanks for coming out to see us today loves! Hope to meet you guys again! But for now, Rita and I have a flight to catch. Bye babes!”Mira said as she and Alice ran off. Miu smiled at her fans before noticing Xiao Gui’s gaze on her.

“Xiao Gui, we came here all the way from Korea. You’ve been wanting this since forever. Now that you have that chance, will you take it?” Jennie, the group’s leader asked with a smirk. Xiao Gui looked at her and smiled. He then turned to Miu and pulled her into a hug.

“Baobei.” he said. Miu smiled and sighed in content. It’s been months since she last saw him.

Aria and Jennie smirked at each other and cued their DJ. The two girls started to sing and dance to the music.

“Ari! Ari! Ari!” The crowd chanted as Jennie stepped to one side for her best friend’s dance break. Aria did a full on breakdance session.

“Yas, Y’all see those moves? That’s my baby!” Jennie hyped up her best friend while smirking toward Xingjie who laughed. Aria ended up dance break and switched places with Jennie who sang her heart out.

“Go Jennie! Go! Go! Go Jennie!” Aria led the fans into cheering. The fans cheered loudly as Jennie hit high notes.

Meanwhile… the boys were staring at Xiao Gui in shock. Leo was thoroughly confused.

“Hold up, Xiao Gui, you have a girlfriend?” Justin said, being the first to recover. Xiao Gui ignored him and continued to embrace Miu.

“I’ve missed you.” Xiao Gui whispered to her ears. Miu looked up at him and smiled.

“Are you satisfied with my surprise?” Miu asked. Xiao Gui smiled and nodded.

“Very.” he said, hugging her even tighter.

“Yah Song Miu!” Jennie said. Miu looked toward her members and ran out to perform once again.

“Yas! Go Miu! Our Baby Miu over here making the crowd go wild!” Jennie said into her mic. Miu sang her heart out, making the crowd fall in love with her sweet voice. The crowd went wild when Jennie and Aria joined in once again. The performance ended with the crowd cheering loudly.

“Thank you so much for coming out today loves! We actually came here last minute to support our youngest member, our baby Miu. As you guys have heard, she has a boyfriend. They have been together since even before our debut. Today marks their two and a half year anniversary as a couple. Can you guys give them your support?” Jennie said. The fans cheered. Miu stepped up.

“I’m sorry for keeping this from you guys for so long. I wish I could’ve revealed this sooner.” Miu said.

“And she would’ve but her boyfriend hadn’t debuted yet. He debuted a couple months ago which allowed them to finally reveal this secret to you guys.” Aria said with a smile.

“Our original agreement was, if both parties have debuted, we are allowed to reveal that we are dating. This is because our company does not have a dating ban unlike most companies. Please don’t be mad at our youngest. Love has no faults.” Jennie said. Xiao Gui held his girlfriend’s hand, making her look at him.

“You’re gonna risk losing your fans for me?” Xiao Gui asked.

“Fame comes and goes. True fans will stick around. Fans that leave after controversy aren’t fans. I can’t lose you for the sake of fans that aren’t real.” Miu said. Xiao Gui smiled and hugged her.

“You agreed to this Ari?” Xiao Gui asked. Aria nodded.

“Someone once said, if you truly love someone, you’ll be happy with them even at the cost of your dreams. You gave up your dreams of being a rapper once because of her. Xingjie told us Gui. How you declined an offer by SM to fly over to Sydney to be with her while she was stressed out. It was stupid considering that could’ve been your big break. You’re an idiot. But… I can’t deny that it was sweet. A couple in love will do anything to build their partner to become the best version of themselves. I’ve seen Miu change in the last three years Gui. She has grown into this gorgeous woman because of you, and because of her fans. Likewise though, I’ve seen you grow up and mature for her sake. For that, I think it's time for the both of you to take on the world together.” Aria said. Xiao Gui smiled and nodded.

“Thank you.” He said. Aria just smiled and looked at Miu. Jennie smiled.

“Maknae, we’ll wait for you in the car. Remember, they have a flight to catch so don’t talk too long.” Jennie said in Korean. Miu nodded. With that, Jennie and Aria walked away with the Gramarie boys behind them.

Hi everyone! I’m back with yet another chapter! Hope you guys enjoy!

[jswdmb1]

Pain

“I've been pulling on a wire, but it just won't break I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound I resist what I cannot change And I wanna find what can't be found”

- War on Drugs

A lot of people ask me how I come up with ideas for this blog.  Well, that’s not really true.  People rarely ask me questions about much of anything, and when they do it’s usually to ask if I know where the bathroom is.  Still, let’s pretend they do ask me about my writing process because it’s a good lead-in to this particular post.  So, I’m glad you asked how I get ideas for these posts!  Let me tell you all about it!!!

The reality is that I don’t really know what makes a good post and what doesn’t.  I probably get a couple of dozen ideas a day for posts but most just float away from my brain into the ether and are long forgotten. This whole blog came out of an exercise I started a year or so ago of daily journaling so a lot of this is just me writing my thoughts and once in a while I say to myself, let’s post that. I have written lots of stuff that has never seen the light of day and never will (believe it or not this is the filtered stuff).  Sometimes, a post starts and then sits on a shelf forever until something makes it gel later and then it becomes a post.  Other times, I just sit and write it out and hit post without thinking much at all about it.  Those are the ones full of spelling and grammatical errors but are usually the purest thoughts I have about that topic.  Then, there are the songs.

I will often hear a song, or more specifically a lyric in a song, and immediately want to write something about it.  Problem is that sometimes I don’t understand why.  I may not even know what possible subject it could be tied into.  I’ll write the song and/or lyric in a notebook, or maybe even start a post with it, and then it will just sit there.  There are a few of those sitting in my draft queue now and until today, this was one of them.  The song came out about a year-and-a-half ago and I immediately knew it was going to be a favorite of mine.  After playing it a whole bunch, I knew the lyrics were reaching me, but I didn’t know how.  It got cued up in my draft folder and I waited.

What finally broke the ice on it was a separate thing I had been thinking about a lot this week. Some of you have been following my travel blog about my recent trip to Las Vegas (if you want to read it go to jswrollthebones.tumblr.com) and you know that I have been searching for meaning about why I felt a need to take that journey and then take the next step to document the whole thing.  I began to think that there really was no reason and that I just went to have fun (I tend to overthink lots of things), but I sensed there was more to it.  I then thought about the lyrics to “Pain” and how my last two trips out there went.  The trip I took out there in 2015 was the last time my Dad went there.  He was pretty sick at that point, but still able to get around, so I wanted to get him back to a place he had loved his whole life.  I remember talking to him as a kid about it and won’t ever forget the spark in his eye when he would talk about a recent trip to Vegas.  When I graduated college, he paid for airfare and hotel for my first ever trip there myself with my buddies.  After that, we spent numerous times there always really enjoying it. It became a location that I readily associated with good times but more importantly times I got to spend with my Dad when everything else could be left behind.  That last trip in 2015 provided us one more opportunity to do that.

When we got back from that trip, I knew that we would not be able to take another one.  His physical and cognitive skills just wouldn’t allow it. At the time, I didn’t necessarily think about him dying, but I knew that things were not going to improve from that point forward and his ability to handle such a trip would be gone no matter how much longer he lived.  Needless to say, I felt some real pain after we got back.  I vowed to never go back unless somehow, someway, my Dad could go with me.  Of course, that wasn’t meant to be and he passed away early in 2017.  As a tribute, my family wanted to go back to the place he loved to celebrate the first passing of his birthday since he died (August 12th).  It seemed like a good plan, and I did enjoy some fun moments with my family during some sad times, but the pain was real.  And it wasn’t just after the trip, but I could feel it happen as I was there. I immediately turned to the substances I readily had available to numb the pain (alcohol and Ativan).  I kept it pretty under cover during the day, but once everyone went up to bed for the night I would really get rolling.  I would sit at a gaming table and order one “free” bourbon after bourbon until that pain went away.  Sometimes I got lucky and won some money, but other times I just let it go not really caring about results as long as the booze kept coming. It was an awful way to act in a place that my Dad loved so well and it certainly was no tribute to him.  Once the booze and drugs wore off, the pain was still there and I had made it worse.

After I got back from that trip, I felt awful.  It wasn’t the start of my downfall, but it certainly made it clear to me that I was in trouble.  I went into a very deep depression for a few weeks not hardly getting out of bed on some days.  When I did get up, I usually would hit the bottle or the pills after a few hours when the reality of my situation hit me.  I hid it well from friends and family, but it became clear to those close to me that I needed help.  As most of you know, I ended up in the hospital on an outpatient basis and it at least changed my life if it didn’t save it.  I came out of there with a new outlook and some better tools to deal with my problems.  I also decided while there to give up alcohol and drugs to allow my treatment to continue without interference.  In a couple of weeks, it will be almost a year since that all happened.

So how does this tie into my trip last week?  When you go through a period of sobriety, certain milestone events can be hard. Holidays, birthdays, parties, family events and the like can be hard to face sober for the first time.  Then if you are mourning a recent death like I was you will have to get through their milestone days (birthdays, anniversaries, Fathers’ Day, etc.) without a drink or anything else to help you forget it. For the first time on this particular trip, I was letting myself feel the pain head on versus deferring it through numbing agents to avoid feeling what I really was feeling.  A couple of months ago when some good friends suggested a trip to Vegas, I realized that was one of the last places I would need to go to conquer some of my demons as a sober person.  I knew it would be a huge challenge, which is why I booked a few days ahead of time to be there by myself to work through whatever process I needed to work through before they showed up.  I kept myself busy with fun activities that kept me away from some of the temptations, but most of the time I just allowed myself to feel happy when I was having fun, and sad when I started thinking about my Dad.  Once a feeling passed, it was amazing to see that the pain started to fade.  Before I wasn’t able to tackle it head on, but now I was letting it have its moment and then I was done with it.  By the time my friends got to town I felt refreshed and ready to enjoy their company. We had a great time and I’m happy to report that my sobriety stayed fully intact.

When I got home, it took me a couple of days to put this all together.  Part of the reason for that is that I came home so relaxed and didn’t understand why.  I came back the last couple times such a mess, but this time, through some perseverance, I turned that around.  For the past few days, instead of regretting my time spent in Las Vegas, I am instead relishing the week-long sabbatical I took there.  It’s an odd place for sure to have such and experience, but it worked for me and it was worth the time and money spent to do it.  As for the journaling of the whole thing, that was just a way for me to hold myself accountable and not let the experience float away (or worse allow me to devolve back to my old ways).  One powerful lesson that I learned in the hospital was through an exercise where we journaled and then they made us read it out load to the rest of the group.  This blog, and the Vegas blog, serve that purpose and allow me to basically read my journaled thoughts out loud to whomever decides to read this.  It's just another tool in dealing with the pain.

I never know when I’m done with one of these posts if this is going to make sense to anyone and I am particularly unsure about this one.  But I am going to post it anyway as I think that it is necessary for me to be open and honest about my feelings as I come up on a year of sobriety and a commitment to treating my mental health issues as well as I possibly can.  It seems indulgent, just like the whole Vegas blog did, but I take solace in the fact that no one reading this has been forced to do so.  If anything, I hope you can take away from this that while facing whatever pain you have head on my sound scary or even insane, it is actually the best thing you can do for yourself.  The process may not always be pleasant, but I’m confident you will be pleased with the end result.  I’m not suggesting you can make all pain go away, but by at least acknowledging it exists will allow you to begin to understand why you hurt.  Without that, there is no chance you’ll ever make it go away. It took me many years and a lot of pain to figure that out, but hopefully you can get there quicker than I did and start living life as pain-free as you can.  Or, at least understand what to do about pain the next time it shows up at your door and learn to coexist with it.

As always, thank you again for letting me do this and for those of you that read the Vegas blog and put up with my silliness over there.  I don’t say this enough (not at all actually), but those that read this blog mean a lot to me even if I don’t really know who you are.  My goal with this is to continue to try and spread the hope that life can be enjoyed and celebrated whether the times are good or bad. We just have to learn how to deal with what comes our way and I continue to find it my calling to bring that message to as many people as I can.  

Enjoy the rest of your weekend,

Jim

[master-sass-blast]

Strong as Stone -Part Twenty-Two

WELCOME BACK!

Last week we got a lovely, fluffy, light-hearted vacation/one year anniversary celebration with Okoye and M’Baku.

This week marks the conclusion of the “Klaue’s Associate” plot line! Yes, babes, this is it! Part Four of ‘Cat and Mouse,’ as I’ve been calling it on Ao3, is here!

Rating: T.

Warnings: Language, suspense, mentions of cancer, and mentions of death.

Pairings: Okoye x M’Baku and T’Challa x Nakia.

@the-last-hair-bender, @skysynclair19

See everything you can through to the end. You won’t be able to see everything through --and there will be things that you shouldn’t see through--but what you can, do.

Try to keep your heads out of the clouds though, my dears. We have the tendency to get caught up in our ideas, our fantasies, of how things ought to conclude. We often craft out the perfect ending, or anticipate things down to the most minute detail.

Stay away from it, if you can help it. The results will often disappoint your preconceptions.

It’s been a lot of effort. A lot of patience. A lot of consecutive missions that required rotating the Dora Milaje and War Dogs to keep everyone from growing over tired. A lot of Shuri going in tearing out the associate’s invisible hand in their system.

Which kept growing back. Every two to three days it would register on the security scans, almost full size and intact despite Shuri continually increasing the protective measures in every way she could conceive of.

Okoye had decided, after the third time that Shuri had to tear our the associate’s tap strand by strand of code, that Klaue’s associate was a great deal smarter than he had been.

But, in the end, it paid off. Keeping the associate moving on a near constant basis meant that Okoye’s teams kept recovering more and more materials from the safe houses --and that Shuri had time to track the associate back to the main base of operations.

A two bedroom apartment Central London. Shuri had traced the root of all the associate’s coding back to there.

When Okoye had heard the news, she’d let out a victory cry of relief.

She’d spent idle moments over the past few months imagining it, imagining what it would feel like when it came, and it was finally here.

They’d found the associate and were ready to capture them.

The first thing she did, candidly, was call M’Baku.

He answered on the third ring. “‘Koye? Is everything alright?”

“We found Klaue’s associate! They’re in London. We’re moving in tonight to capture them!”

M’Baku grinned. “Well done, my love. Go kick their ass.”

Okoye smiled and blew him a kiss before she ended the call. She took a deep breath, then pumped her fist as satisfaction flowed through her. It’s all coming to an end.

“We need to assume that Klaue’s associate will be armed and heavily dangerous,” Okoye said as she manipulated a three dimensional holographic display of the apartment building they were heading to. “We’re going in fast. Take out the associate and whatever technology they’re using to hold us back as quickly as possible. We want to minimize the damage caused and our mission time. I don’t think I need to explain why a serious mess would not be in our best interests.”

They were flying over the Atlantic ocean, headed straight for the United Kingdom. T’Challa was already wearing his Black Panther suit --sans mask--and Nakia stood at his side in her usual War Dog gear. Four other Dora Milaje stood at the other side of the table, dressed in their armor. At the end opposite where Okoye stood, Shuri watched the display spin and shift.

The King, albeit reluctantly, had deemed it necessary that his sister accompany them on their mission. As Wakanda’s foremost mind and innovator with all things vibranium, they needed Shuri present to make sure that they collected and dismantled all the weapons properly.

Admittedly, he’d demanded that Shuri make herself a suit of vibranium armor as well, which was a choice Okoye wasn’t complaining about. Shuri was smart, yes, but she was incredibly new to the outside world --to say nothing of missions like these.

“All due respect, General Okoye,” Shuri said with a nervous, pinched expression, “but I doubt we’ll encounter that much resistance. If Klaue’s associate was making weapons, wouldn’t we have seen them hit the market by now --or seen a greater demonstration of their capabilities than the detonators they’ve used at various warehouses?”

“You could be right,” Okoye said, using the same calm, non-condescending voice she used with new trainees and recruits. “But it’s wiser to prepare for the worse.”

“We’ve talked about this before, Shuri,” T’Challa said in slightly exasperated tone. “This is not a social call. Klaue’s associate is a danger to Wakanda and the rest of the world; they need to be taken down before they amass too many weapons.”

“Yes, except they aren’t because they haven’t been making weapons,” Shuri retorted. “None of what we recovered matches any weaponry designs I’ve ever seen.”

“You can’t know for certain, Shuri.”

“Actually, yes, I can!”

“We have to assume Klaue’s associate is dangerous for our own safety and the safety of any innocent bystanders,” Nakia interjected before the two siblings could start arguing. “He only worked with certain kinds of people --thugs, ex-convicts, the morally gray or black. We have good reason to assume that the associate is dangerous because all of Klaue’s other friends and associates have been.”

Shuri let out a huff, looked away, and crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, I still think you’re wrong.”

Night had fallen over the city of London by the time they’d found a good place to hover over the roof of the associate’s apartment building. 

Once everyone was off, Shuri cued the ship to cloak itself. “What now?”

“We could kick down the door,” Djabi said with a smirk.

“Or just pick the lock,” Nakia fired back as she knelt in front of the door to do just that.

Okoye took the lead as she treaded down the flights of concrete stairs towards the twelfth floor.

“Are you ready, Okoye?” T’Challa asked, right on her heels, in a teasing tone that belied the seriousness of the situation.

“You have no idea, my King.” She checked to make sure the hall just off the stairs was clear, then stepped out of the stairwell.

The hall was lined with doors stained to a dark walnut color. It was eerily silent; not even a shred of noise emanated from behind the closed doors. No footsteps, no music, no conversation, nothing.

Okoye narrowed her eyes as the others stepped into the hall behind her. “I seriously doubt, even though it’s late, that absolutely everyone is already asleep for the night.” She lived in apartment complex, for Bast’s sake; she knew from experience that some people kept odd hours. Having everything be one hundred percent quiet meant something was wrong. Seriously wrong.

“You’re right,” Nakia agreed as she took stock of her surroundings. “It’s not even midnight. People should be returning from evening shifts, getting ready for night shifts, going out to clubs, or just be staying up late. Something’s wrong.”

“Maybe they’re not sleeping,” Djabi suggested with a dark grimace. “Maybe they’re dead.”

T’Challa shook his masked head. “Killing an entire floor of people would be a severe departure from what we’ve seen out of the associate thus far.”

“Or maybe they’ve finally completed whatever they were trying to build,” Aneka offered. “Maybe they’re trying to show us just how powerful they are.”

“I don’t think it’s that,” Shuri interjected, “but I am only picking up one life sign other than ours.”

Shit. “Spears out. Be at the ready for anything.” Okoye walked up the door with the correct number plaque and glanced at T’Challa. “Do we knock or kick it in?”

Before he could answer, the electronic lock on the door made the ‘key accepted’ chirp. There was the snapping sound of the bolt sliding back, then the door swung open to reveal an empty, dimly lit room.

“Well, that’s auspicious,” Djabi said dryly.

“They know we’re here,” Nakia whispered. “They’ve probably been watching us the whole time.”

“We can’t abort the mission now,” T’Challa said as he crept towards the door. “We need to retrieve the stolen vibranium.”

Okoye managed to edge past him, spear in hand, and peered around the edge of the door.

The space was one large room that ran the entire length of the hall. Various desks and tables dotted the room; the desks and tables themselves were littered with machine parts, computer pieces, and a variety of desktop screens, computers, and laptops. A giant display screen interface --like the largest iPad Okoye had ever seen--ran along one wall, showing various calculations, research read outs, and files in almost every language conceivable.

And, in the center of the screen, was a video feed of them crouching by the door.

“We’re on camera,” Okoye muttered as she swept her gaze around the room in search of the recording device. “And I know why there aren’t any other life signs. This is just one giant room. The other doors in the hall are fakes.”

“Any sign of the associate?” Nakia asked.

“Not yet. It looks empty, almost abandoned.”

They all filed in one by one, on full alert and ready to strike whatever flew at them.

Well, except for Shuri, who immediately pulled on a pair of sterile gloves and started rifling through the technology on the tables. “It’s exactly what I suspected...”

“What are we looking at?” T’Challa asked as he surveyed the space.

“Junk. Stripped and harvested for whatever was needed.”

“If it’s junk, then why keep it?” Aneka asked.

“My best guess is that it’d look suspicious to have so much electronic trash coming out of the one building all the time. They probably have a special disposal service remove everything for them to keep a low profile.”

From across the room, in the darkest of the shadows, someone started clapping their hands.

Okoye whirled towards the noise, ready to face down whoever was waiting for them.

The lights flicked on, one by one, until they could see who had been clapping.

Okoye gasped. “You!”

An Indian woman with long, wavy black hair smirked back at her. “Me.”

“You know this woman, General?” T’Challa asked.

“She interviewed me at the dinner after President Trump’s non-apology speech,” Okoye spat out. “And she posed as a scientist during Shuri’s lecture on Wakandan science and technology.”

“That’s right!” Shuri exclaimed. “Dr. Khatri!”

“Not your real name, I take it,” T’Challa added.

She shrugged, expression impeccably unruffled. “It can be, if you want it to.”

“I’m not referring to you by a fake alias.”

“All my aliases are fake. But, if you’d like something for this conversation, you can call me Jhanvi Singh. That’s the name I’ve been using most recently.”

“I assume you know why we’re here, Ms. Singh.”

“What, you mean this isn’t a house warming party?”

“Your little game is done,” T’Challa said flatly. “Surrender yourself and whatever weapons you’ve created.”

Jhanvi chuckled as she turned away from them, walking towards an empty desk at the back of the room. “Mm, I think not.”

“That wasn’t a request.”

“No, I’m not saying I won’t.” She spun and hopped up onto the edge of the desk, sitting there. “I’m saying I can’t.”

“You’ve already sold the weapons,” Nakia concluded. “We’re going to need the list of your buyers.”

“I don’t have one,” Jhanvi said as she tapped at her phone.

“Enough of this,” Okoye growled. “She has no weapons with her. There are eight of us versus her.”

“Oh, I didn’t say I didn’t have any.” Jhanvi looked up, hazel eyes glowing a faint shade of copper.

Two panels in the ceiling opened, allowing two massive artillery style guns to drop down and take aim.

Okoye gritted her teeth as the guns deployed --then gasped when her spear retracted into its storage capsule, seemingly of its own volition.

Next to her, T’Challa’s suit shut off, retracting into the necklace Shuri designed and revealing the shirt and slacks he was wearing underneath. He stared levelly at Jhanvi. “That’s why you were so unconcerned over our presence.”

Jhanvi smirked triumphantly. “Well, would you look at that. The deck was stacked in my favor after all.”

“You have mental control over the technology in the room, right?” Shuri asked. “How do you manipulate everything? Is it an implant?”

Jhanvi shook her head. “I’ve always been like this. No one knows why, but you have to make the most of what you have.”

“And you can mentally control any technology?”

“As long as I’ve had enough time to interface with it or the mother technology it stems from.” She paused, blinked, then raised her eyebrows. “Except your shielded jacket. Holy shit, you actually made something I can’t break into! That’s amazing!”

Shuri grinned. “I’ve had several weeks to get familiar with your capabilities. You’re extremely adept at evading my firewalls.”

“Don’t take it too hard. Security measures are the easiest to get past; you just have to figure out how to climb the wall --by the way, the Pentagon ought to contact you for an upgrade. Their defense measures are feeble compared to your most basic stuff.”

“I’m guessing that when you infiltrated the conference, you had enough time to get into enough of our systems so that you could always regrow whatever I tore out? It’s the only explanation I can think of.”

“Basically. Your coding is gorgeous, by the way. I practically wept every time I crawled through it.”

“Can we save the love fest for a later date?” T’Challa asked with an annoyed expression at his sister. “If you don’t have the weapons, and you don’t have a list, what can you give us to help us track down your buyers?”

“Nothing, I’m afraid. And there won’t be a ‘later date,’ either.”

T’Challa frowned. “I’m not following.”

“She has a brain tumor,” Shuri said softly. “Don’t you? I picked up on some irregularities in your coding, but I wasn’t sure...”

Jhanvi’s smirk turned into a sad smile and she tapped the spot just above her left eyebrow. “Cancerous. Inoperable because of excessive entanglement in the blood vessels. Based on the prognosis I was given, I’ve got... three hours left. At the most.”

Okoye felt disturbed as she processed Jhanvi’s statement. This isn’t a round up. It’s a last good-bye. “If you’re dying, why let us find you?”

Jhanvi shrugged. “Like the King said. The game’s up. I’d like to be recognized for my efforts in evading you, instead of only existing as a faceless figment of your imaginations. I mean, how many of you thought I was a woman?”

Okoye shared a silent glance with Nakia. Even though they’d never assigned a gender to the associate during their efforts to track them down, she’d assumed --they all had assumed--it was a man. It just made sense, given Klaue’s background.

“Exactly. I’d like to be remembered accurately, even in the official ‘pain in the ass’ records of Wakanda’s justice system.”

“Miss Singh, I’m incredibly sorry that you’re in your current predicament, but we need anything you can give us about the weapons you designed,” T’Challa said urgently. “Vibranium weaponry could devastate the world --and undo all our efforts to integrate ourselves with the rest of the world. We’d lose our abilities to help those that need us most.”

“Very compelling --but no.”

“Why not?”

“Because she hasn’t made any weapons,” Shuri said.

Jhanvi grinned and made a clicking noise with her mouth as she pointed double finger guns at Shuri. “Boom. There it is.”

T’Challa let out an annoyed sigh. “If you haven’t made any weaponry, then what have you been doing with the vibranium?”

“She’s been making medical technology.” Shuri fiddled with her kimoyo beads and images of some of their salvages from the safe house and warehouse sites flashed on the screen embedded in the wall. “Prosthetic arms and legs. Implants to reverse Alzheimers and memory loss. Nano technology blood clotting injections to help hemophiliacs. You’ve been using the last of Klaue’s vibranium to help people. Your random jumping around was you going where you were needed.”

“Having a tumor in your head gives you perspective. Trying to spend your life coloring inside the lines only limits how much you can help people.”

“So you teamed up with Klaue to get access to the materials that would let you help people quickly,” Nakia surmised.

“He needed someone to help him fly under the radar after you branded him,” she said. “I needed vibranium so I wouldn’t have to wait for the outside world to catch up with you.”

“You helped a man that killed our people,” Okoye hissed, disgusted. “Men, women, children!”

“You aren’t any better!” Jhanvi snapped. “You’re sitting on a mountain of technology and research that could do so much good for the world, but you refuse to release any means to make your results tangible for everyone else because of your paranoia! Do you have any idea how many people would benefit from having access to medical centers with vibranium technology? Cancer patients. Auto-immune disorder victims. People with cystic fibrosis. Prematurely born babies. Your death count is higher than Klaue’s could ever be!”

“We haven’t always made the right choices,” T’Challa admitted. “But we’re working on fixing that.”

“Yeah, you released your research, but ninety percent of it is fucking useless without vibranium! You gave the world a cart without a horse!”

“Wait.” Nakia held up her hand. “I agree we can do more, but I don’t understand something. Why let us think you were building weapons when you weren’t? We could’ve helped you.”

“Right. Because you’d absolutely let someone have a vibranium powered prosthetic. Sure. Besides, I’m dying in three hours. I’d like to have a little fun before I go.”

“You don’t have to.” Shuri stepped forward. “We have the ability to operate on tumors like yours. We can take you back to Wakanda and perform brain surgery on you.”

Jhanvi smirked bitterly. “Right. Because you’d absolutely perform surgery for a thief and known associate of criminals.”

“I would,” Shuri said. “You could be a major asset to us.”

“Asset!” Jhanvi let out a harsh laugh. “All my life I’ve been asset! Everyone wants to use my abilities! I can disable enemy satellites, guide unmanned crafts to carry out airstrikes, take down an entire country’s communication system! Everyone wants a piece of me without ever considering if I’m okay with what they’re using the pieces for! No, Princess, I would rather die than let you use my abilities for your own ends!”

“Your ability to control technology is not your greatest asset!” Shuri exclaimed. “And it’s not what Wakanda needs most right now.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No. Your humanity is. Your perspective. We’re trying to help the world become a better place, and we don’t even have the awareness to realize that most our medical procedures are unattainable without vibranium technology; it’s such a commonplace thing for us that we forget that we’re the only ones that have it. We need someone like you to help us focus our efforts in the right areas. Otherwise, all our work will be in vain because we’ll never reach the people that need us most.”

Jhanvi hesitated, glancing between Shuri and T’Challa warily. “You’re not the King. You can’t make that kind of decision.”

Okoye watched as T’Challa mulled the idea over. It wasn’t, technically, the safest option, but...

There were a lot of technicalities in Jhanvi’s favor. She hadn’t stolen the vibranium --Klaue had, and she’d actually kept his cache from falling into the wrong hands by using it to make medical technology.

She also hadn’t directly killed anyone. An extremely fine line --not one the council was likely to walk--but a line nonetheless.

Okoye watched as T’Challa looked to Nakia --who nodded--then took a moment to regard Jhanvi when he looked over to her. She hasn’t built any weaponry. She just wants help people.

She pursed her lips together as another thought occurred to her. She’ll die in three hours if we don’t help.

Ayo wasn’t going to like this. At all.

Ayo is an adult. The risks are minimal --at the very least, we can save her from the tumor, then incarcerate her. She looked back at T’Challa and nodded.

“I think we can come to an arrangement,” T’Challa said.

Jhanvi was quiet for a moment --then nodded. “You’ve got a deal.”

Okoye yawned and tried to rub the exhaustion out of her stinging eyes as she wrapped up the mission report. Almost done. Then you can sleep.

Shuri had used a neural stabilizing helmet to medically induce a coma and ‘freeze’ the cancer once they were back on the ship. As soon as they landed in Wakanda she whisked Jhanvi off the ship on a stretcher; three doctors were already waiting on the platform, and Shuri disappeared in the palace with them in seconds.

Ayo had been waiting for them, too. She glared at Jhanvi’s stretcher, her expression a rare picture of unmitigated fury.

Fortunately, Aneka had been able to coax her partner back inside the palace. Okoye trusted that the youngest soldier would be able to talk Ayo down --eventually.

She looked up when the door to her office opened and gasped softly when M’Baku stepped in. “What are you doing here?”

“Emergency council meeting. To talk about the fate of Klaue’s associate.”

“Right.” Okoye yawned again. “I forgot. I should get some sleep before that happens.”

“It’s in the evening. Don’t worry.” M’Baku kissed her forehead. “Dewani said Shuri was performing surgery on the associate?”

“Removing a malignant tumor. It’s a long story.”

“I gathered.” He rubbed his hand up and down the back of her neck. “Are you almost done?”

“Basically.” Okoye filled out the last few requirements, then submitted her mission report. She sighed tiredly and let her head drop to her desk. “I hate night missions. They always take the longest. Always.”

M’Baku chuckled and gently tugged her out of her chair. “Come on, Okoye. Let’s get you back to your quarters.”

“I’d rather sleep in your quarters.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

She nodded sleepily. “Yes. Sleeping with you sounds like heaven right now.”

He carried her to his room --at her request; the palace was basically dead right now anyway, and walking felt downright impossible--and gently set her on his bed. “I’ll find something for you to change into,” he murmured as he pressed his lips against her brow.

“One of your sleep shirts, please,” Okoye mumbled as he rifled through the dresser. Once she had a shirt, she pushed herself off the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. “I’m changing and washing my face, and then I’m passing out.”

Even having the water one at the coldest temperature the sink cold go did nothing to kick-start her system. I’m getting too old for this.

And, admittedly, that was a reality of her job. Being the General was a highly physical task. Most women retired between the ages of thirty-five and forty to start working as trainers for the Dora program or advisers to the Council, tribes, or War Dogs program.

Right now, all it meant was that she’d start shifting more of the night missions to Ayo, who was set to become General when Okoye stepped down.

Candidly, it wasn’t a choice that Okoye felt any particular grief over. Night duties of any kind had never been her favorite.

She dropped on the bed next to M’Baku and nestled against him as he pulled the blankets up over her. “Good night.”

“Technically, it’s morning.”

“Shut up and let me sleep.”

“Miss Singh.”

“Not anymore. But you can still call me that, if you like.”

Okoye narrowed her eyes at Jhanvi and crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m pleased to see your surgery went well.”

“So am I. Still have the magic touch, which is nice.” She flicked at glance at Ayo, who was glaring stonily at her. “I don’t think she likes me much.”

“You killed two of my friends with your ‘harmless detonators,’” Ayo spat out.

“And your country could’ve prevented the deaths of millions with your technology.”

Ayo clenched her teeth together. “You should be rotting in a prison cell.”

Jhanvi smiled, expression indicating that she was fully aware how badly she was pissing off Ayo. “And yet, here I stand. Free as a bird and an unofficial consultant for the Wakandan outreach program.”

Aneka latched on to Ayo’s wrist. “Come on, babe. Leave her alone. She’s only having fun pissing you off.”

Jhanvi watched the two women leave, edgy smile unfaltering. “Shame. Anger looks good on her.”

“You’d do well to leave the Commander well alone, should your paths ever cross again,” Okoye lectured in a stern, threatening tone.

“Or?”

Okoye took a step towards Jhanvi and leveled her fiercest, most intimidating glare at the woman. “I don’t need technology to kill you. Remember that.”

The edgy smile didn’t even wobble. “Duly noted.”

Okoye watched as two of the Honor guard members escorted Jhanvi to the landing platform. I’ll be watching you, associate. One misstep on your part, and I won’t hesitate to take you out.