#critical care is just…the insane perfectionism

[wasteland-heresy]

Dr Sydnee McElroy saying she became a doctor cause of hemorrhagic fevers (and then immediately acknowledging how unhinged that sounds) has me thinking about a Slannesh/Nurgle apothecary so hard rn

[noshowscon]

Detective Anderson got seriously wounded during one chasing. The suspect shot two bullets and harmed him. Now Detective is grounded for weeks if not months since his state was critical in the beginning. He hates sitting at home, he's going literally insane without work, because it's his whole life — he doesn't have a personal life, he sacrificed everything for work and he loves his job so being cut is like a nightmare. Especially when you have an annoying android to help.

HK800 isn't a housekeeper model, he's in fact the most advanced model for police purposes, but he ends up cleaning and cooking for Detective Anderson. Although he doesn't have to do it. It's not a part of his mission. Firstly, he doesn't have any oncoming mission, he's now an independent living form with a job and salary. He's a living being capable of emotions and with free will. And these two things make him want to take care of Detective. He has been doing it since they met, but now it is clear he does it because he wants, not because of programming. He does it because he developed feelings for young ambitious Detective.

Connor feels like in a trap, a prison, in his own home, still too weak to even cook for himself. His perfectionism is long forgotten with a mess in the kitchen after ordered food (HK800 couldn't make it to see Connor last evening so Detective was forced to order something and his choices always land on something unhealthy, no matter how many times the android would make comments about the toxicity of his food). And he himself looks like a mess — usually dressed in an elegant suit and with styled hair; now he's wearing an oversized t-shirt and a few curly strands fall onto his forehead. This is quite a view for the HK800. He's bold enough to assume he's one of the very few people who could witness perfect Detective in a different edition.

Connor is sick of scrolling through his phone all day, watching his fishes, reading books and lying in bed. He's not made for this kind of life. He misses adrenaline and chills on his spine. He misses the danger chasing him. But this time is also full of unsolved cases, like the one between him and the android. The past two weeks opened wounds, these inside Connor, because these physicals are healing well, thanks to that damned android. Connor wanted to do his best to forget about the feeling he once felt for his android partner. That was too complicated. Connor firstly truly felt relief, he craved intimacy for years, he felt alone, but those were also reasons why Connor decided to end that before it developed into something else. The more closeness he got from Hank, the more he was scared, irrationally. He wasn't ready for that type of relationship and he wasn't sure if he would be anytime in the future. He rejected the only person that could provide him closeness, warmth, erase loneliness because he was too ripped inside to decide what he really wanted.

But that time when Hank took care of him... Damn it, Hank saved his pathetic life. If not him, he wouldn't be there. And although Connor was a shit for Hank many times and many times rejected him, Hank didn't give up and decided to take care of him. Connor feels pitifully because of this, but he can't lie, he loves when Hank cooks for him healthy food, worries bout his health or changes his bandages, always so gentle. Connor didn't know how good android's fingers can feel on his skin. Or maybe it is just Hank's. His fingers are soft and although they are big, always take care of Connor with extra attention, like he is a porcelain doll, not a man who himself took down the most dangerous criminals in the city. All of them left a keepsake — scars all over his body. He played tough for too long and decided to appreciate the moment of weakness in the arms of the android who loved him once.

Connor just hopes Hank still loves him.

[klutcherov]

Why isn’t much likable as a person?

Also, Panarin for the hart! He carried the rangers kicking and screaming into the playoffs

well for one he avoids the media and does as few interviews as possible and when he does his responses are capped at like 10 words max. but that could be bc he's not comfortable speaking english, which is totally fine. altho i think it more has to do w social anxiety and preferring his hockey to do the speaking instead. but who knows i'm just speculating.

i think the biggest reason is kuch missing the entire shortened 2020-21 season bc of hip surgery but still playing every game of the playoffs which brings up the whole cap circumvention thing and questions abt his recovery timeline. that in itself was not a great look but ofc kuch wearing his $18 mil over the cap shirt to the cup parade mocking/bragging abt it definitely added to the hate he and the bolts got for it.

his #1 bs druken post cup win interview were he criticized montreal fans for how they celebrated game 4 (which i totally get bc if he was on another team and said that abt the bolts i would be upset too) and also complaining that vasy didnt win the vezina that year. and ofc the #1 bs shirts which the players did get in a little trouble for wearing during the boat parade. i went to the boat parade and even fans who were wearing them were asked to stay out of the view of the camera by our local news stations. even in 2022 during the bolts cup run fan werent allowed to wear them to the games or watch parties.

and ofc the all star skills competion this year which kuch put like negative effort into. and even i kinda cringed at his behavior when watching it live but him kinda playing it up at the boos from the crowd you can tell kuch is the type that if he think hes funny then he doesnt really care if ppl hate him lol.

even w all of that the main thing ppl say that i really dont get is calling him lazy/selfish and saying he's not a team first guy bc if you watch or read literally any interview by his teammates everyone loves him and that he's a major role model in the locker room bc of his insane work ethic and perfectionism. kuch is def not the outspoken looker room type but i dont think coop would give him the a if he was the slient grump ppl make him out to be. x

as for panarin i didn’t watch a lot of rangers games this season but being the pres trophy winners idk abt kicking and screaming. i do think its unfortunate that there were so many other career bests / record breaking seasons that his was kinda overshadowed but i do hope he finished in the top 5 for hart only behind the 3 finalists and am34.

[asherlockstudy]

Rhett and Link’s problems with the Enneagram

I have now watched both Enneagram EBs and the second one actually set my gears to work (So Anon here it comes! I promise it was spontaneous).

After listening to Link and mostly Rhett talk about the Enneagram again and again, I realised I have a problem but I can not place its exact root. There is either something fundamentally wrong with the Enneagram itself or maybe it’s Rhett and consequently Link who talk about it in a way that made me feel a little uncomfortable.

My problem and cause of concern was that everything that was said during the two podcasts had a clear negative tone to it. I will have to bring in myself to it to give you an example so bear with me for a paragraph. I did the test and I am a 5 (Investigator - Observer, something like that) which suits me rather well, especially since it agrees perfectly with my Myers-Briggs INTP type. The results said I was a 5w6 (essentially an emotionless analytical robot) which is definitely wrong as I am clearly a 5w4 (a sad mess who analyses the world and searches pointlessly for the true meanings in life and wants to come up with the ultimate all-encompassing philosophy). I mean, OK, they are not described exactly like that but trust me, that’s the point. But despite all the flaws associated with it, especially in the fields of socialising and tremendous procrastination due to an insane fear of failure, I am actually very much in touch with it. I revel in analysing, in trying to see the bigger picture, to make up my own theory about life and the world. It gives me fuel to go on, it fills me with excitement, it gives me a purpose.

Now, what I kept hearing from Rhett and Link are the things they would hope to run away from. I can’t seem to remember a single positive thing they said about their personalities. All traits they mentioned ( which were all pretty one-dimensional for both I dare say) were presented in the context of torturing them and having to confront them. With these insights in their personalities and the spiritual deconstructions earlier, their old (surprising back then) statement that they are “fundamentally sad people” makes more and more sense. Some of their traits, like Link’s care for perfection to the smallest detail and his moral concerns could have been neutral or positive but, no, they are almost all given as clear negatives or at least as things that have an emotional toll on them.

This gives me the impression that Link and especially Rhett have found comfort in studying the Enneagram and try to find an explanation for what they are like, to feel part of a group, represented in their misery. In short, they focus on the analysis of the flaws of their personalities as a part of who they are and avoid dealing with the root that caused said flaws. Link is more self aware while Rhett still struggles to reach the root of it, which is his childhood. Not that he doesn’t know it but he can’t just deal with the people and the situations that impacted him enough to make him a three. For instance, Rhett seems to believe that he is a natural three that his parents made manifest even more strongly. It could be the case or the threeness we observe in him is the direct product of his parents’ constant judgement. By keeping chanting he needs to “be” instead of “do”, I am not sure Rhett will achieve much. Honestly, the one impactful step he needs to take is to stop caring about what his father thinks and I am sorry to say he is still not near achieving this. Especially when I take into account how scared he was during his videocall with his dad in GMM and how relieved he looked after the call was over without drama. In short, my problem with their take in the Enneagram is that it seems that Three is Rhett’s pack of unresolved issues rather than his complete personality type.

Furthermore, Rhett speaks knowingly about all numbers / personality types which proves he consumes passionately all Enneagram information that is available. For a man of his level of active lifestyle, hectic schedule and impatience, this shows that he indeed seeks comfort in finding a detailed description and an explanation for his personality, for the way he feels and acts. What does this mean? Well, that he does not like the way he feels about himself a lot. Not only that, but he is actually in a search of self. At this point, he is no longer cryptic about it but it is more serious than he lets on. He tries to make sense of himself and he tries desperately to find something in himself to love. I hope there are people in his life who let him know that he is worthy of their love, friendship and appreciation even though he is so deep inside his head that even the affectionate feedback can only help so much. Rhett will start finding some peace only if he takes the one step I mentioned above.

And then it seems that Link’s personality type is also exclusively a byproduct of his childhood and is aggravated by his relationship with Rhett. Link’s perfectionism doesn’t cause him enthusiasm - he just dreads the disturbance of his supposedly perfectly stable world. In all honesty, Link doesn’t strike me as an ambitious person. Link would just love to have his dear routine and a loyal person to share it with. Link needs stability and companionship. He is fine with just one person as long as this person contributes to the stability of their bond. Who that one person is in Link’s life is another story…

Link doesn’t care that much about the creative process and, frankly, he doesn’t care all that much about the comedy. Link cares to keep the environment Rhett and he work stable and safe. For Link, judgement from the audience is not as alarming as Rhett’s frustration because of it. Link cares to ensure that Rhett’s idea will be successful enough to keep working and to keep working together. So Link’s entire self-identification as a one seems to stem from his fear of abandonment and worthlessness only. Link fears he has not much to contribute to Mythical and he tries to counteract that by becoming the ultimate source of management and control. Because if he didn’t even manage the company, then what would Rhett need him for? Hence, Link’s obsession for control is a consequence of his fear, he doesn’t necessarily love to be in control for the sake of it. This is proven by his plane example, which shows that he finally relaxes when he does NOT need to be in control.

Link has been working hard most of his life to ensure his position next to Rhett. This brings even more insight in his resentment for Rhett that explodes from time to time. Link resents Rhett because he tries so hard to be always by his side but due to Rhett’s opportunitism, he can’t tell whether Rhett wants his companionship or he simply needs it for their brand. Even worse, Link dreads that the reason Rhett is his friend is because Link feeds his ego with his loyalty and admiration, because he takes Link for granted and not because he loves Link for who he is.

“Do you care for me or do you revel in the fact that I care for you?”

Now, I can’t get inside Rhett’s head but I doubt he uses people. I believe his genuine care for Link can be found in the weirdest examples - those from which Rhett has nothing to gain i.e getting frustrated when Link doesn’t enjoy food as much. Yes, this is a sign of love. Rhett enjoys food so much that he wants to share that enjoyment with Link. He can’t realise Link’s tongue works differently - he thinks Link is missing out and it frustrates him. Another silly example is Rhett buying Apocalypse equipment for a clearly disinterested Link and probably never getting its money’s worth back. This is important to Rhett for some reason and he is concerned enough to protect careless Link as well despite having no personal gain from it.

The truth is that these two men feed off each other; Rhett keeps Link attached to him to always feel worthy and Link keeps Rhett attached to him to always feel safe. However, the fact that Rhett is almost his entire source of safety and that Link is Rhett’s biggest calibrator of worth is indicative of the levels of love and need. Nevertheless, Rhett and Link are not independent people. They were constantly in search of support from one another and they lost themselves in the process of satisfying others or being safe. This is something they are realising only now.

Link’s fear of abandonment is so big that it frequently leads him to an almost paranoid behaviour. It is crazy that he felt left out when Rhett communicated with the audience during a podcast whose key purpose is to… communicate with the audience. His fear here has two sides: 1) that Rhett didn’t consider him an equally important business partner so he preferred to speak directly to the audience and 2) that Rhett isn’t emotionally invested in him in order to open up to him. And by saying he can deceive people if he needs, Rhett doesn’t help Link overcome his huge insecurities. This is why Link begs Rhett to talk to him about his feelings more. He does not understand whether Rhett loves him or uses him. The notion that Rhett doesn’t truly love or appreciate him is one of his biggest fears in life.

As for Rhett, it is certainly huge growth that he starts opening up and being vulnerable to a few thousand strangers yet it all still derives from his need to be accepted by said strangers as I am afraid that the late disproportionate criticism he gets for silly stuff on Twitter and Tumblr surely don’t help him deal with his issues, no matter how hard he tries. Therefore, Rhett is trapped in a vicious circle. Besides, Rhett was overly sensitive to be hurt when Link stated the obvious; that he was being vulnerable in hopes to be understood and accepted, because that was clearly what Rhett was openly doing. However, having someone discussing openly his vulnerability immediately made Rhett retreat back to his shell because no matter how hard he tries, Rhett hasn’t managed to separate vulnerability from weakness in his mind yet.

Long story short, Rhett and Link might be Three and One respectively but I am not sure they have a good understanding of themselves anyway. They may have figured out their types correctly but they certainly narrow their entire sense of being to their unresolved issues and phobias. They entirely lack a sense of self-worth and they probably have not realised the extent of the traumas in their youth. In the Enneagram language, the nine personality types have nine levels of development. I believe Rhett and Link are either in the average levels or the mildest unhealthy level. They are certainly not in the healthy top three levels.

Their obsession with the Ennegram helps only superficially but they seem to have based an illogically huge part of their self exploration on it. The Enneagram might offer some insight but won’t offer the resolutions they long for and badly need in order to find some relief. The ones that come when you confront your environment instead of overanalysing yourself and beating yourself up because of it.

[ego-driven-one-wing-angel]

Hello! I was wondering if you’re going to start posting soon the list of request! You seem not posting too much now and I hope you’re doing fine!

HELLO.

Yes, I haven’t been posting much and I deeply apologize for that. I love doing this blog in my free time and it literally breaks my heart not getting all of the requests done fast enough. It feels like I’m breaking a promise every time I come on Tumblr because I look over my drafts with such disappointment that I’m not spitting them out as fast as I would have wanted. 

I usually don’t post a lot about my life outside writing unless it’s needed, such as a vacation, or work, or school, other than that I prefer to keep this blog Final Fantasy related, and not KittyKitty’s personal diary. Most people I’ve met usually don’t care and just want content, I get it. I’m the same way too. But yes, I’M OKAY AND I AM DOING JUST GREAT. I HOPE YOU ARE TOO.

As I said, I’ve been fine for the past few weeks. Despite wanting to get back into writing, it’s been a bit difficult. Having to look over everything I wrote previously is tiring. I wouldn’t call it a writer’s block, as I’m still writing, I just don’t like anything I’ve been writing the past few days. Like it’s utter crap in my opinion.

I like things with a certain perfectionism and finesse. So many of you guys have already established me with a certain writing style, whether good or bad is up to you. But I want to keep maintaining that way of writing. But literally, everything I have done the past few days is just, at minimal, ugh. No matter how many times I’ve rewritten, read it, let it simmer and come back. It’s. Just. Not. Good. So I keep it in my drafts until I’m ready to look it over again. And every time I do come back, I still hate it.

I know I shouldn’t be so critical of myself. The ongoing support and love for this hobby is beyond anything I could have dreamed of and proof I shouldn’t think badly of my own writing. It’s utterly insane, and I remind myself constantly that I do this for not only me, but you guys as well. And I know there are still going to be people who enjoy my writing even if I think it’s terrible. 

So I procrastinated. A LOT. To be honest, all I’ve been doing is playing the Sims 4 and Resident Evil 2: Remake to pass the time between writing. And I’ve been hiding behind the screen purposely avoiding the idea of writing because I know I won’t like it. 

I’ve just been getting inside my own head, and it’s hell getting back out.

Wow. That turned a bit longer than I expected. Sorry. 

I have about 150+ drafts in my list, and about 40 of them are “finished.” I say that loosely, as I’ve said, it’s been difficult editing them. I promised myself, if by Monday I haven’t gotten over it, I’ll simply post what I have. Whether I think of it as bad or good. 

Demure and Blood_Water will continue as I’ve kept chapters in “stock” for occasions like this, and I’ll be posting the first chapter of Languor ASAP. I’ll also be making an AO3 account specifically for this Tumblr as I’ve been getting a few asks saying my Tumblr is hard to navigate for newcomers when it comes to the fics. So I’ll be doing that in the next couple of days as well. 

My request box is also STILL OPEN, and I might close it either on July 15th, or July 20th. I haven’t decided yet.

I haven’t forgotten any of you. I just, it’s been difficult getting back into the groove. 

I still have my discord open for ya’ll to come to talk to me in a more casual environment. But I’ll be back. I PROMISE, As I said, by Monday I’ll be here more often. 3-5 times a week as previously promised.

I love all of you!

Stay safe and take care!! <3

-Kitty

[dizexplainstheuniverse]

The daddy, the issue and what’s so great about walking into the fire.

The daddy

When I was 10 years old, my father broke my heart.

As I watched him marry his third wife, I burst into tears as he declared his love for her in front of our entire family and friends. It was as if my heart fell from my chest into my stomach and Lucifer’s hand reached down my throat, wrenched it out and threw it down onto the floor in front of me – “You won’t be needing that”, he said.

“You may now kiss the bride”, I stared across the room at them, broken and confused, as my heart lay limply pulsating at my feet.

I remember my older sister laughing at me and asking me why I was crying. I couldn’t tell her it was because the man I loved so deeply, the man I so desperately craved the love and affection of, the man who abandoned me when I was 6 years old, the man who – as it turned out – didn’t hug me until I was 16 years old and to this day I can still count on one hand how many times I’ve felt his awkward embrace, the man who was so far from the definition of a father you’d assume we weren’t related had just married a stranger.

I told her I was crying with happiness.

The issue

The joys of being self-aware and invested in the business of self-development often means that I can spot the reg flags in a potential relationship pretty early on. I can smell the avoidants and dismissive from a mile off and yet their alluring scent draws me in closer to the fire. I gaze longingly into it, knowing if I get any closer I will definitely get burnt – I’ve got a million burns to prove it. It never gets any less painful, and yet, like a moth to a flame, I flutter on into the blaze.

Ouch, that hurt. I knew it, why did I do it AGAIN?

I know exactly why I do it. I do it because I’m idealistic, romantic and my inner child desperately craves validation and approval from a particular type of person because of the deep wounds my abusive father left with me with. (It’s unfortunately an all too familiar storyline for many of us.)

I’m always looking for a do-over. Always chasing the kind of love only a father has for his daughter. The “I’d die for you” kind of love. Even when I think I’ve found it, it’s never quite enough. So I keep on searching, I keep on pining after the men who don’t seem to give me enough attention. I keep on craving their approval, needing so furiously to be desired, to be everything they’ve ever needed and more. I need it to feel powerful, I need it to feel safe, I need it to feel loved.

Even if I do succeed in capturing their attention, it still feels like something is missing. I become restless, there must be something wrong… and so the craving sets in once again.

I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to heal through practicing self-love, doing the work, nurturing to my inner child work, facing my shadows and releasing my embodied trauma. This shit takes time and whilst we’re healing, inevitably we sometimes end up repeating some of the same mistakes, more than twice. We try not to judge and punish ourselves, we show ourselves compassion, we forgive ourselves and we continue to grieve the loss of the love we didn’t get from our parents. It’s exhausting.

There’s an interesting moment in time in the healing process when our unhealthy habits and coping strategies no longer work for us – they seem entirely pointless. But equally, our new coping strategies are really fucking tough because they’re these new, weird, inconvenient tools that we don’t really know how to use yet and we aren’t quite seeing the pay-off from the expensive investment that we’ve made in ourselves. We’re stuck in limbo. We’re in an incredibly transformational period; so close, and yet so far. We see clearly the patterns of behaviour which are no longer serving is. We see very clearly the habits that are preventing us from growth. But, we just can’t seem to shake them.

For me, this is particularly true when interacting the ‘popular’ types. You know the ones, the shiny, extroverted, sun-shines-out-of-their-arse types. Someone I’d perceive to be more attractive than me and more successful. These aspects are quite specific to the areas in my own life where I believe I’m a failure – likely because these were the areas that I felt if only I was better or special in some way and then maybe, just maybe, my father would finally acknowledge me and show me he loved me. This all very much drives my perfectionism and my insanely critical inner voice.

So, these types really stab me in the ‘daddy’ shaped hole in my heart.

Thankfully, after a little chat with my inner child I can usually spot the signs that I’ve been triggered. If they aren’t responding well to my yearning, the rational thing to do would be to turn the ship around and save myself the aggro of falling for yet another avoidant dismissive and having my heart wrenched out of stomach after feeling rejected or abandoned. These types make it very difficult for me to remember my worth, to keep myself grounded, to remind myself I am enough, I am safe and I am lovable. However…

I just can’t help myself. It’s honestly an addiction.

And what’s so great about walking into the fire

This was a question that up until very recently, I had never considered. I’d always assumed the reason I did it was because I didn’t respect myself enough – I think probably to begin with that was true. I’ve often wondered if it’s because I don’t love myself enough, or maybe I do this because feeling unsafe is all I’ve ever known. But that’s not true, I have had very healthy, very loving and very successful relationships and I really do care for myself now. I stopped judging myself, I forgave myself, I learnt to love and accept myself. I let go of the layers of shame and guilt that smothered my ability to fully express myself. I even learnt how to have boundaries. And yet, those flames still really, reallyyyyy titillate me...

But whyyyy?

I decided to sit down and I write out a list of things that draw me towards the fire:

First of all, I live in an absolute idealistic and romantic fantasy (most of us do!). Thanks to innumerable trashy rom-coms, I have ridiculous expectations of what love is supposed to look like and the things people will do to win the affection of their beloved. Maybe this time it’ll all work out? The shy wallflower will finally be acknowledged by the tough jock when he realises how wonderful she is and they’ll live happily ever after?

Never.

Secondly, it’s exciting. There’s risk involved in potentially (inevitably) getting burnt. It’s much like any other risky addictive habit; gabbling, drugs, sex with your best friends ex when he explicitly told you not to. Maybe the rush of it will be worth it this time? It definitely won’t be. The low, the regret, the guilt and the self-loathing is ALWAYS horrendous. On the other hand, maybe you already feel pretty shitty so, what have you got to lose? Might as well, ey?

Nope.

And finally, I honestly find everyday life seriously mundane. I constantly crave intensity and losing myself. Routine is boring, change is exciting. The fire offers me the perfect distraction from the monotony of the day-to-day snooze fest. I used to believe I was trying to escape something, trying to run away from my problems by filling my time with a chaotic love life just so I had something to talk about other than the files that Susan lost when the auditors came to… GAH! To begin with, this was true. But I’ve done a fuck tonne of work on myself since then, I no longer find solace in my old coping strategies because they simply do not work. I gave them up, I started actually taking care of myself and tending to my needs and wounds instead. So what was it?

I then realised something very important. Wanting excitement, thrill, ecstatic joy, bliss, celebration, partying, romance, love, sex, creativity, playfulness and adventure is in no way a bad thing. It is in no way a sign of weakness or an indication that I’m trying to escape something. It tells me I am human, that I’m alive, that I’m a social being. It tells me I want more than this average life we get sold by the system, that I won’t settle for this bullshit, that I deserve more, I am worthy and – I am the fire.

I already embody all of the things I so desperately crave. I am everything that I need. I have everything that I desire. I’m drawn to the fire because it’s calling me to be seen. My attachments and wounds have left me feeling dismissed, unacknowledged, invalidated and deleted… But I AM the fire. We all are. Whether or not another human experiences you in this way is irrelevant. We do not need anyone else to approve our existence and worth. Even if it is never seen or shared with anyone, the fact still remains true that you are indeed already burning effervescently.

No permission.

No recognition.

No validation.

No attention.

No acknowledgement.

And you will still remain the brightest light in the universe.

Instagram: @dizexplainstheuniverse | Facebook: /dizexplainstheuniverse

[lolitaxxis]

My therapist recently told me that I needed to write a letter to help me clarify my feelings, so here we go.

I guess I want to start about where my purpose used to be. For literally all of my life my identity was a student with a dream of being a therapist. I wanted to help people. I wanted to know that I COULD help people. This was a safe purgatory time of my life where I felt like all decisions I made were “safe” because they “didn’t count yet”. I guess you could say this is the period of my life where I was really starting to shape myself. I felt free to explore very obvious mistakes because I was young. It was a backwards type of learning; I was finding out exactly what I wanted and who I was by experiencing exactly what I didn’t want and figuring out who I wasn’t.

Things became more focused when I got into grad-school. For the first time in my life, and I mean the VERY first, this was a challenge that I signed up for for MYSELF and not for anyone else. This is also when I met the absolute love my life; subsequently, my love sparked his addiction and my entire world was flipped upside down. I was left shattered with everything I thought I “knew” about myself suddenly meaning absolutely nothing. 

My purpose at this time was: Throw yourself into school, make sure he doesn’t die, and drown yourself in literally all of the booze.

Turns out, he was not the love of my life. I am.

The rest of grad-school my purpose was learning how to love myself. That my mistakes didn’t determine my worth, no matter how small. I’m still working on this one. Much like my youth, this was a trial and error process. My biggest error, however, was finding purpose in how much I could be loved by others. By you. 

My purpose was to love you as perfectly as I could. To be the best girlfriend. My purpose was to prove to myself that I was worth love. Worth YOUR love because you made me feel like I wasn’t. 

For 3 years I searched for love, your love, and I never, ever, found it. And then I started my job. I found my purpose. My perceptive changed. I didn’t need your love, because I had mine. I had enough love for both of us.

At least I thought I did.

My job is hard. My job is like, really really fucking hard. Every time I tell someone this, they always combat it with how hard *their* job is in comparison. I acknowledge that most jobs are difficult, but I don’t think people understand. 

Let start with the shifts. 12 hour shifts are inhumane, but I take it anyway because I enjoy having 4 days off. That doesn’t make the 8th, 9th, 10th...11th....hour any easier, though. The duties are nothing extensive, but certainly tedious. A few groups a day, a few individual sessions, a lot of notes, treatment plans, updates, discharges, ect. This is where I have to practice the most self compassion because this is where I get the most feedback and I internalize criticism in a way that determines my credibility. I recently found out this is called Imposter Syndrome... or debilitating perfectionism. 

Now lets look at the atmosphere. I am surrounded, constantly, by 160 *newly* sober addicts. For an introvert, that is a nightmare. For an empath, this is literal agony. It is an actual emotional ambush by people who are seemingly in constant anguish. Anxiety, anger, despair, shame, resentment, anger, sadness. You name it, they feel it, and then I hold it for them. Most times I don’t give it back either. I just hold it. I hold it for them because I fucking care, and that is the problem. But that is also my purpose.  

For the first time in my life, I was putting my time, effort, heart and soul into my WORK and it surmounted to much more than I could ever imagine. You see, before I had put all of this energy into YOU and I never got anything back. You said you loved me, but I didn’t see it. You said you loved me, but I never felt it. I just heard it. For a long while, you actually had me believing that this inability to consume your love was because I needed too much and was not acknowledging what you were offering.  

What did you offer me, truly? For 8 months, I was not even acknowledge as someone you took pride it or even took seriously. For the 8 months to follow that, I was still living in the shadow of the “monster” who preceded me. Whilst all of this was happening, you kept your options open. I was focused on you. Cue the first betrayal. The worst part what that you filled my heart with so much anger and resentment toward another women who did. nothing. wrong. But you lied. As you do, so I learned..  You know you weren’t even the one to reach out to try to fix that? I did. I fixed it. It was not my responsibility to fix. The betrayals didn’t stop there. Always small, as far as I knew. But your attention wandered and your heart was still not invested. Or you were “scared”. Still, my love did not waiver. Finally you gave me a little. The smallest part of you. Forced by me, but still there. Finally. Finally. Finally. I am worth this mans love. I am worthy.

Fuck. YOU.

I had my own life to manage now, not just yours. But I stood to the plate. Do you know that I would go grocery shopping for your house AND my house? Do you need anything from the store? I think you’re out of toothpaste. Look I got us matching loofas! 

I would work all day long, go to YOUR house, and then cook YOU dinner because *you* were tired and wanted to play video games. The constant digital divide. All I wanted was you. I wanted your love. I wanted to feel love by you. I wanted it so bad, i would literally ask for it.

You told me you didn’t know how to give me what I wanted.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

And yet, I persisted. Resilience, stubbornness, you pick. 

But then I started my new job.  This is why my rant about my job is so important: I learned to stop giving energy to areas of my life that did not give me the same amount of purpose that I felt at work. 

These were complete strangers, most of which I can hardly remember their names, that left me with such passion and drive, that I finally realized what I had been missing my entire life and, most importantly, in my relationships.  Strangers I had just met showed me immense gratitude for being in their life.

You took me for granted, every day.

So finally, I got tired of it. I got tired of trying all of the time. I got tired for asking to be treated well, to be adored. I got tired of you coming to my recharge place and you being checked out the entire time. I got tired of going to your house and being left alone all night while you were getting loaded with your friends. I got tired of sacrificing my time and energy to have it completely shit on. I got tired of being lied to. Even when I gave you another chance, you couldn’t bare to tell me the truth - so you lost me, again. You wanted to feel better about yourself. I wanted to be cherished. And now I had perceptive.

I did it wrong, though. Not at first. I had the right to leave. I had the right to leave and stay gone, and I should have honored that. But, I loved you. I need you to understand how much I loved you. I wanted to see it work. I had a story in my head about how I wanted things to be. I completed ignored the reality in front of me how things actually were. So i tried again. This was were I went wrong. I was drained. You do not understand how drained I was. I was drained for all of the reasons our relationship was so hard to begin with. I was drained because my job is, like I said, really really hard and insanely emotionally taxing. I was drained because we were in the beginning of a pandemic and I could not make sense of what the world was. I was drained because I was stuck at home with myself and my thoughts and my feelings. You know, the stuff that was always there responding to my reality but I could never acknowledge because I was stuck in what I *wanted* to believe about us. 

I never lied when I said I wanted to be alone. I still always want to be alone. I am riddled with anxiety constantly. And not just my normal “generalized anxiety”. This is about to puke, chest pain, cant stop moving, why cant I pay attention or catch my breath, I think I am going to die, anxiety. Plus, I am still managing my depression, which leaves me longing for non-judgmental safety of my bed. I can’t spend time with friends long before my body begins to ache and my skin begins to crawl. This wasn’t just with you. It’s everyone. I’m struggling right now and I’m doing my best to not let it take over my life. You never understood, you just gave it space and then fucked your roommate  my friend. 

And then I met someone. I made a friend who knew nothing of me, but wanted to know everything about me. I made a friend who felt like I got to step outside of reality for a bit with. I made a friend who didn’t make me feel pressured to be attentive or seductive. Someone just wanted to know me and make me smile. And that was that. That is what I have needed this entire time.

I grew.

[fantroll-purgatory]

Ooookay

Howdy dude! Hope you are having a better day than mine. Anyways, I recently went about making a trollsona, but I don’t have all the details filled in. I’m hoping you could help me with that. Note, there is a lot of lore, very extensive lore that goes on in my story, specifically around my character’s heritage, so I’ll try to keep this as short as possible for you. Thanks again for your time! (*Rubs hands together* Muahahahahahahahahaha…. Lore…..) (Okay more importantly this will be my first Trollsona review! I’m a bit anxious about touching characters based on like… real people because there’s a lot of potential for hurt feelings but! Let’s get into it~) -SA

World: Alternia (At least in the beginning? Gets lost in space at some point)

Name: Harley (Dusk) Halvenson. Goes by both names at different intervals of his life, or even depending on how he’s feeling that day. Harley comes from mostly my own choice, kind of coming with this idea that his name doesn’t sound like a normal troll name? Halvenson comes from like I said, years worth of backstory that gets factored into my trolls story. He has a heritage, and he’s not quite sure about all the details.

If you wanted to go with ‘not sounding like a normal troll name’, that’d lean more towards Lime Troll territory than your boy here. You should probably integrate it into his backstory more. How did he get this name and why did he get it? He’s isolated from troll society for the mostpart, so there’s lot of opportunity for things like him not even HAVING a name and picking one for himself and stuff like that. 

Age: 8 sweeps (about 17.3 human years)

Theme/Story: Dusk grew up in a large house, mostly by his own except for the watchful eye of his lusis, who ushered him to and fro, keeping him locked inside, only allowing him to use the computer under a username, which is where Dusk comes from. He meets his friends in an anonymous chatroom, and slowly begins to make friends. Years of being sort of caged in, plus his stubborn purple blooded self can be very difficult to deal with, convince, etc, but he can be quite funny, and quickly grows to care deeply for his friends, wanting so badly to tell them about his life, but knowing of that many purple bloods slowly fall insane, and is afraid to hurt his friends and truly open himself to them. Then one day, his lusus vanishes, and there seems to be strange activity outside his home, so arms himself, and ventures out into the real world, sparking the adventure of a lifetime. Oh jeez, I was kinda reading through some of the stuff I wrote for Harley, and I realized I missed a few things. For one, I kinda wanted to go with a goth look for him? Which is why he kinda has the lipstick, longer eyelashes, not as colorful design, etc. but that’s all superficial, I also forgot the mention that he has a fascination with magic and the unknown, which is why he took to learning chucklevoodoo. All of that factors into where his handle comes from. i hope this helps.

Goals: 1) To find out what happened to his lusus/what was going on outside, and 2) to find his friends/make sure they are okay.

(My goals for this review are going to be preserving your vision, as opposed to changing things to fit what’s here. I’m sure the extensive #Lore will appreciate not being upended too much.)

Strife: Umbrellakind (later this is destroyed in a duel, replaces is with a more clown themed weapon, as his sanity then begins to degrade)

*As he is consumed by his blood impulses. Purpleblood murderviolence has more to do with Being A Purpleblood and like, not having self control, not “sanity”. “Insane” =/= violent. 

Modus: Dusk is an artist, so probably a drawing modus? I think jade had one of those…)

Blood: Purple Blooded

Symbol: Doesn’t really have one? Suggestions are always welcome

(Canon EZ symbol is…)

( CAPRIGO, SIGN OF THE LACUNA) (A lacuna, for reference, is an unfilled space or gap. Such as in a book, in a bone, or, in your character’s case, history.)

If he was separated from trolls, though, you could give him something totally different. How external to troll society is he? If he is more intertwined with human Raising then you might even be justified giving him a kid symbol.  

Handle: unendingCryptozoology

Quirk: Not sure, suggestions here would be cool?

(Maybe he has a bad habit of SHOUTING HIS PROFOUND THOUGHTS! out into the void when he talks to people. Classic nutty professor/mad scientist vibes.)

Special Abilities: Chucklevoodoo magic, can easily visualize and meticulously plan out his drawings in his head?

Lusus: I was thinking a cat Lusus, as cats are cool, and I like them? Idk lol

(Purples have weirdly half-aquatic lusii that they often rarely interact with. What about… a shark-cat. All the playful aloofness of the feline with the predatory bite of the shark?)

Interests: Primarily drawing, likes taking on all types of drawing. Also enjoys playing bass guitar? I thought this might be an interesting point, as he’s conflicted with both time and space? (I don’t know if you were looking at Jade for this, but a Bass playing Space Player is quite literally Jade’s thing. I’m curious where the Handle comes from with this interest list? Is he into cryptids or not? Which is it?) (It may be entirely design based, but I took one look at this troll and went: HP Lovecraft? Is that you? He looks just like a Lovecraft protag who goes and finds out he’s actually part fishman. I think if you’re gonna have him be into cryptids and his plot is partially about genetics, ancestry, and identity (and then madness) you’ve got a pretty classic Lovecraft plot here.)

Could I also suggest calligraphy because of my #6 joke up there. 

Appearance:

Personality: Described as a bit “eccentric”, Dusk is constantly full of ideas, and likes to experiment, draw, and build, but is frustrated when his creations don’t work, or look right, being a pretty big perfectionist, and often is his own worst critic. Often gets stuck in his own way, as he doesn’t see where his inventions, his art, or even the way he says things, were wrong. Nonetheless, he tries to rectify his mistakes, and cares deeply about his friends, always a listener for when they are down. Despite this, he often doesn’t tell his friends what is going on with him, and can be extremely problematic. A loyal and devoted friend, and a little bit insecure, Dusk is a person with goals, and isn’t afraid to reach them.

(This is a pretty classic space player. Space players are the creators and innovators of the Aspects, and even if he’s stifling himself, that Space potential is still lurking, pushing itself out.)

Lunar Sway: Prospit

Title: X of Space? I was thinking heir, help here would be appreciated. (I think you’ve got the makings of either a Space player or it’s dark mirror, Void. He’s a maker and creator, even if it’s negative, but he also has an interest in the dark and the unknown, which is the classic call of the Void.) (Class-wise, if you want some good character development out of him, I’d lean further towards Active than Passive. My initial thought, believe it or not, is Maid.) (He’s got the classic Maid character arc, with the passive beginning, the mounting frustration/lack of self analysis, and culminating in a mad freakout that you’ve already written in.)

Land: I was thinking land of Mirrors and Shadows. Mirrors representing his introspect at his flaws and his own perfectionism, and shadows representing the fears of his oncoming insanity.

If he’s a space player, you’re gonna need some Frogs in there. Land of Mirrors and Frogs probably works just as well.

Design party: 

Not much changed here! Eyes went back to the traditional yellow, because I wasn’t sure why the purple. The mouth was too obviously Vriska’s, so I changed it up a bit. Black Outlines traditionally read human so I changed it to a light grey. Alternian Goth is red, not black, so I gave him some red striped pants. That’s all I’d really change!

Thanks for your time! Any constructive feedback is great. There are some things that won’t change, but it’s always great to have another pair of eyes of the situation. Again, thank you! (Hopefully this helps, then! -SA)

[unflinchinglyoptimistic]

April 25, 2022

It’s insane how much I use my phone. It’s been feeling like a problem. Like addiction. I am never bored. I fill in so many small moments in my day. I do not spend that time just to be. I never sit with my head up. I went on my phone twice today with other people. I was with Kaya and Lyric at the nail salon and well all went on our phones. I need to make a change. Social media use only in the car? Not when out, and not when in public. Yes. Only when parked in the car. 

If I don’t know how to fill time, sit. Meditate. Stretch. Go outside. Be in my body. Be in my mind. Be in the moment. Enjoy it. Think creatively. Think critically. Think nothing at all.

Just get off your damn phone.

~~

I feel very grateful to have Kaya in my life. I think we balance each other out. I’ve learned a lot from her — both about how I want to be and how I don’t want to be. I enjoy the dynamics of our relationship. I think we contribute the necessary things we. need in this stage of our lives for each other. We both have a reason the other is in our life.

~~

Practicing being more mindful of how I am now has made it easier for me to be aware of how I am changing. I need to work on vulnerability. On truth. On moral perfectionism. On being more present. On taking good care of my environment. On aiming higher or living with a higher purpose.

~~

Everyone at work has taught me a lesson. I am so grateful for this job and for these people. I am who I am because of them. Kaya taught me how to indulge myself. Nazila taught me how to open up to strangers. Bex taught me how to speak up for myself. Abby taught me authenticity — and that if I am true to myself I will find my people. Andres taught me how to dream big and bold. Mara taught me self-love and has helped me build my self-image. Arman taught me a sense of play and fun. Brian taught me self-reliance and gave me confidence. Holy fuck. I am lucky. This job also let me think about leading a life outside of convention. I thank God for that.

~~

I wonder how I have lively so bravely and so timidly all at once.

[humanitiesnb]

PHOTOGRAPHER'S EYE

The theme for my photo collection is "insanity". In the quest for perfection, I've done some things that other people might consider foolish. Looking back at my past (and current) actions, I realize that I was so consumed with flawlessness that I neglected my health and damaged my relationships. I believe that no matter who you are, absolutely anybody can fall victim to the obsessive nature of the need for perfection. When we talk about mental illness we never include perfectionism and how it can severely alter one's mental, emotional, and physical health.

COUNTDOWN

I took a picture of the weight scale that I have in my bedroom. No matter where I am or what time of day it is, I always have to weigh myself. My weight has always been the focal point of my obsession and even more so when I purchased this scale. When I first wake up, I weigh myself. After I eat and drink, I weigh myself. After I go to the bathroom, I weigh myself. If I know that I'm going to be out of the house for a long duration then I take my scale with me. After I exercise, I weigh myself. Before I go to sleep, I weigh myself. Every minute of my day has been primarily spent weighing myself. I refuse to let hours go by without stepping onto my measuring device. This behavior of constantly doing weigh-ins has distorted my view of food and has disrupted my sleeping habits. For example, during my night weigh-ins, if I see that I didn't return to the weight I originally was in the morning then I would set an alarm clock so that I can wake up and weigh myself. Instead of the scale serving me, I know that I'm a servant to it. To me, the scale is the only indication that I'm on the right track to a healthy lifestyle. I realize that to some people this may seem excessive but honestly, I'm apathetic to their concerns. I feel a sense of euphoria each time I see that I lose a pound or two.

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

This photo is of a full-length mirror I have in my room. Before leaving the house, it's normal for an individual to check the mirror to see if anything on their body is out of place. This isn't the case for me. Just like with my weight scale, I constantly check my appearance in the mirror. It has gotten to the point where I would be in my bed and suddenly get this urge to analyze myself in the mirror. I certainly don't do this because I'm a narcissist but because I enjoy scrutinizing myself. Inspecting and picking apart my flaws through the mirror allows me to quickly see what specific areas of my body I need to tinker with. This mirror obsession fits in with my central theme of insanity because of how frequently and how long I look at myself. Any sane person would spend only a couple of minutes (possibly every other day) checking themselves. For myself, I spend practically every waking moment for hours on end just dissecting and criticizing my appearance through the mirror. 

GETTING READY FOR BED

This is a picture of all the products and devices I use in my nighttime routine. Because I'm extremely diligent in taking care of every aspect of my body, it takes me five hours in the bathroom to get ready for bed. There have been days when I didn't want to do my routine but the thought of crawling into bed with the day's dirt on me is just repulsive. I have a specific routine in the shower and out of the shower that I can't deviate from. For instance, taking a shower is the first step in my nighttime routine. While showering, I always have to execute these actions in this particular order: lather and scrub, apply body oil, exfoliate, apply body mousse, and finally apply body conditioner. After exiting the shower, I move on to my body care. This part of the process takes a quarter of my time since I utilize a plethora of body products. For my whole body (making sure that I don't miss any crevices), I have to apply these products in order: toner, lotion, butter, oil, Vaseline, and lastly powder. Since I spend the bulk of my time on them, I reckon one can say that my teeth and my face are my most essential regions. I take pride in having a ravishing smile and a blemished-free visage. However, in order to maintain what I have, there's a need to spend copious amounts of time, energy, and money. I've received criticism from my parents, siblings, and my friends for my "ridiculous" and intricate routine. I pay them no mind because my routine lends me the opportunity to de-stress. 

A WATER A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY

This photo features my water bottle that goes everywhere with me. For an average person, water is the quintessential basis of life. In fact, a human can only survive up to 3 days without water. Despite the benefits, H2O has always been my source of suffering. In the hopes of slimming down, it was customary for me to do a water fasting diet. Water fasting is a type of fast in which a person can only consume water. The recommended duration that one should water fast should be 24 to 72 hours long. Anything longer could cause severe side effects such as overeating, constipation, and/or migraines. However, as with everything in life, I took water fasting to the extreme. For the first seven days of every month, I used to completely abstain from food and only ingested water. Considering that food supplies energy, there have been numerous times when I would be unable to think, make sound decisions, faint, and/or become exceedingly lethargic because of a lack of energy. A sensible person would listen to their body and surrender. However, I was so blinded by the lure of being thin that I disregarded all warning signs and continued to put my health at risk.

THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS

This picture is from 2020 when my family and I took a road trip from Florida to New York without stopping at any rest areas. Out of all the images, this may seem like the one that's most out of place but to me, this shot encompasses "insanity". Originally, each member of my family was going to take turns behind the wheel. My father would be the first to drive and then it would go to me, my brother, my mother, my cousin, and then finally my uncle. When I took over the driver's seat, instead of driving for only six hours and then transferring the wheel to the next person, I drove the rest of the way there. Even when night fell and I felt sleep overcoming me, I still drove. Even when my arms started to ache, I continued driving. I hadn't slept for about two days and thought it was a fantastic idea to get behind the wheel—sleep-deprived and all— for approximately 14 hours. Unfortunately, this was also the time when I was doing my water fasting. Driving while being drowsy, light-headed, and famished was an extremely foolish thing to do on my part.

There's nothing wrong with being the best version of yourself. The problem lies, however, with developing an unhealthy view of perfection to the point where it drives you insane and takes over your life. I've acknowledged that it's OK to have setbacks so long as you get back up and try again. It's not about how fast you can achieve your goals instead it's about being persistent and taking things one step at a time. Even though I have destructive habits that I still need to fix, it amazes me how far I've come.

[funkymbtifiction]

Thanks for all great the feedback! Speaking generally, what is the strengths/weakness of each type in relation to writing fiction? Personally, I struggle to see my strengths. I do struggle with chronic dissatisfaction. I'm trying to translate a dream/grab a cloud and make it solid. Usually I feel like I get it wrong. At times, I struggle to write cause I know I can't create the perfect the story in my head. It's better to keep it perfect, but that doesn't make me happy. Thanks again.

First, you need to remember this:

Perfect does not exist.

Perfect is an abstract concept.

Define “perfect.” If you do, it equates perfection TO YOU, but not to the rest of the world. Your idea of perfect differs from my idea of perfect. Perfect is an imaginary thing that is never quite you, that is just out of your reach, a goal so intangible that you can never succeed, an ideal which you cannot define – it’s just… perfect. 

Think about it. Can you write the perfect novel? What IS the perfect novel? A novel with no mistakes in it? Well, would that REALLY be perfect? What makes something perfect? Can you ever achieve it? Has anyone ever achieved it? In my opinion, no. You may think your favorite novel is perfect. It isn’t. There’s always some way for anything to be improved.

What happens is, in your striving for perfection, you spend about a thousand more hours making something 1%, 2%, 3% better… when the world, and everyone except the irrational little perfection demon on your shoulder would have been happy with 95% perfect. You can drive yourself insane, trying to live up to a standard that does not even exist.

I know this. I have done it. I have written, and written, and proof-read, and changed, and streamlined, and risked ruining something, because I was always trying harder for perfection, creating problems in my head where there were none on the page, being too ruthlessly critical of myself and my product. Other people read it and tell me, “This is good, but I got confused in paragraph six,” meanwhile I’m thinking, “The characters aren’t deep enough!” Or, “I liked this character, but could you weave him into the plot a little more?” whereas I was worried about the sentence structure in that part of the book.

I read a writing book once, from a very well-known / best-selling author who said she let several friends read a novel once and all of them complained about the exact same thing. She had a choice whether to try and fix it (which would mean hours and hours of work, tearing up and reconstructing chapters to fix it)… or to sell the book to a publisher. She sold it. They published it. And when the reviews first came out, she thought, “Oh, they’re all going to harp on that one flaw.”

None of them did. No one noticed it. No one commented. No one thought it was a big deal. That huge glaring “error” her friends noticed went unnoticed by the world – or at least, enough people for it to catch no air time. She could have spent another six to twelve months fixing that flaw… would it have been a better book? Maybe. But it proved to her that: the world is hard to please, the world really doesn’t care if you spend a thousand hours or twelve thousand hours on a book, and everyone is going to harp on something different, so … a book in your hand is better than a perfect, imaginary book in your head.

Are you an NF type by any chance? They struggle the hardest with wanting to live up to some perfect ‘ideal’ / imaginary potential which is not always grounded in reality. Their intuition feeds them all kinds of paranoid thoughts about their writing ability / plot construction / detail-focus / etc, that trust me, very few other people notice or care about. And the more research you do, the more you can feed those problems.

Here’s a few solutions:

Recognize perfect does not exist. This is a made-up thing by evil goblins to keep you from feeling good about what you write. Screw ‘em.

Do your best. Is it not good enough? Tough. If you did your best, no one can ask anything more of you – including yourself. Writing is a skill enhanced with time and practice. You will be a better writer in ten years than you are right now – but to BECOME that better writer, you have to write right now.

Consciously Improve. I read an excellent article once about how it takes a thousand hours of practice to become an expert at something – but a thousand hours does not mean practicing in general, it means practicing with intent. Let me give you an example: you notice as a writer that you tend to use a lot of adverbs instead of strong verbs. Practicing in general would be continuing to write, but using 10,000 adverbs – as usual. You are teaching yourself nothing, just repeating your old mistakes – and not becoming a better writer. Practicing with intent is continuing to write and training your brain to seek our and supply and use strong verbs instead of adverbs.

Do not seek advice from other perfectionists. Two unreasonable idealists do not make one realist. And do not put ideas into your proof / beta reader’s mind; they will go in looking for that flaw and reaffirm your concerns. Trust me, a fresh pair of eyes will find things wrong you did not think of, and may not consider what you’re worried about as a problem. If you have five beta readers, and they all say something different, you cannot make anything perfect by listening to all of them (unless they all have a point); but if five of them say the exact same thing (”Joe is a poorly developed character…”)… LISTEN.

Set reasonable standards for yourself that conform to good writing (such as: I will proof read it to catch any mistakes, I will not over-use adverbs, I will run it through a grammar checker to see if my sentence structure is good) … and then stick to them. Force yourself to stick to them.

Do not borrow trouble. Do not compare yourself to other writers. Do not envy other writers. Do not read other writers, while working on a project, if you have learned in the past that this triggers your fear / perfectionism and makes you overly hard on yourself. (This is why I read no fiction while writing novels; my Ne likes to play the comparison game and I always come up short.)

Okay, the strengths and weaknesses: (these are SUBJECTIVE… and remember, readers of your own type won’t consider them flaws)

NFs: [weaknesses] too much desire to be perfect / too unrealistic / high of standards which stalls the writing process, a lot of trouble adding in the right amount of description. [strengths] Intuitive understanding of emotional dynamics, able to write compelling characters with complex psychological motives.

NTs: [weaknesses] may have unrealistic / perfectionist tendencies / too high of self-standards, a lot of trouble adding in the right amount of description, and sometimes, flat or emotionless characters. [strengths] Often excellent satirists or comedic writers with zany world approaches and good at jarring the reader from their comfort zone.

SFs: [weaknesses] may use too much detail / descriptions / focus on things that do not drive the plot forward, be fussy about making their story ‘realistic’ and worry their ideas aren’t original enough. [strengths] Terrific at creating realistic, emotionally dynamic characters and world building in ways that make the world seem real (focus on describing actions / events, and noticing everyday things that intuitive writers tend to forget about).

STjs: [weaknesses] may become absorbed in making their stories logical / realistic and focus more on that than emotional connections or growth between characters; may forget to explain motives or clumsily handle emotions or fall into using too much description which slows the plot. [strengths] Excellent at creating realistic, complex, dynamic worlds full of details, often packed with action.

- ENFP Mod

[alley-cat-sunflower]

Sephiroth: Virgo or Scorpio?

@masterkyoko3000​ – a comparison of traits for you! I have no personal investment in proving a point, really; I’m just looking for more excuses to procrastinate on my homework. And also to explain why exactly I see him as one and not the other.

For reference, I’m also trying to use my analysis of his ‘human’ life, since it’s difficult to address mental instability in astrological terms. So, while he does come to demonstrate certain traits of unhealthy Scorpios, here’s why I don’t think he was necessarily born as one:

Scorpios are subtle, but they do desire power. As a SOLDIER, Sephiroth is regarded as a hero, but has little interest in fame or in using his position to his advantage. For the most part, he keeps to himself and is content to follow rather than lead, just doing his own thing rather than specifically seeking out influence over others. Scorpios’ preference is for total control over others, but even at his most insane, Sephiroth’s desire is for destruction, not true rulership.

Scorpios keep their emotions under tight control, but they do still have an underlying sensitivity to what others do and say. Aside from his moments of vulnerability, Sephiroth couldn’t care less what anyone else says or does as long as they don’t get in his way. Any insecurity or self-doubt he experiences strikes me as more Virgo-esque in that it is self-imposed. That is, his crises are more those of self-identity rather than revolving around what others think.

Scorpios are manipulative, often emotionally, to reach their own ends. While this does fit in a literal sense, Scorpios are subtler than Sephiroth, pulling strings behind the scenes rather than openly controlling people and making it clear that this is the means to his ends. Additionally, while Sephiroth is typically reticent, he is not secretive, as he is direct and honest about himself and his feelings when he does speak (e.g. when he tells Zack outright that he may desert Shinra after their next mission, which happens to be in Nibelheim).

Scorpios are both intellectually and emotionally driven, and thus may not always know which was the true source of their actions. However, Sephiroth seems to overthink what he does and why to the point of locking himself in libraries for days at a time to do his research. That is, the first thing he consults before reacting is not his intuition, but his conscious knowledge, coming to his conclusions through force of reason—faulty reason, but reason nonetheless. He seems too out-of-touch with his emotional side for it to be a driving force in his life, and it is in fact the sudden emergence of that side that ultimately unbalances him.

Scorpios are naturally passionate, but most of the time, Sephiroth is anything but. This is admittedly intertwined with another headcanon of mine, as Scorpios are well-known for their sensuality, but I like the idea of aroace Sephiroth [in his canon incarnation]. That part is much more open to interpretation, but it is true that even before his insanity, he shows no physical interest in anyone—such as in his fan club, for instance.

By contrast…

Virgos are quiet, self-contained, and efficient. They always keep everything under control, to the point of becoming workaholics. They are scientifically-minded, intellectual enough to study for fun, tend toward specialization, and prefer to analyze/organize existing information rather than break new ground. They can also be fixed in opinion and narrow-minded about their research and conclusions. All that is basically Sephiroth’s personality.

Virgos are pragmatic in the extreme and have a great deal of integrity, and I’m not sure I know anyone more pragmatic than Sephiroth. Even after he goes around the bend, he’s still acting according to his own cold, twisted logic. The coldness is key here.

Virgos are always there for others, ready to serve. Sephiroth is content to obey Shinra’s orders as a SOLDIER (at first) and also supported Genesis and Angeal as their friend, even offering to be a cell donor for the former before being told they were not compatible. He trusted them fully, and even after they turned against Shinra, he remained sympathetic at heart and intended to save them from the other side if he could. A Scorpio might have taken that as a more personal betrayal, as they did leave him behind with no warning, and held a serious grudge.

Virgos are attentive to detail and can become obsessive, critical, and self-righteous, believing they know better than anyone else. Their goals can also tend toward the unattainable, in part due to their perfectionism. That’s Sephiroth’s entire collapse in a nutshell.

Virgos are capable of working as part of a team. They care more about being efficient and productive than specifically calling the shots. As long as their ability to work on their own terms remains unimpeded, they don’t have any major issues with other people being involved. Again, Sephiroth’s deal is that as long as no one gets in the way of what he wants, he doesn’t really care. This is most evident in Dissidia, wherein he is wholly uninvested in Chaos’s and later Spiritus’s agenda.

On a shallower note, Virgos are known for their attention to personal hygiene and sense of style, and Sephiroth is famous for his beauty—just look at those eyelashes! Some Crisis Core extras emphasize Sephiroth’s elaborate hair care routine, particularly the scented shampoo. That’s… a pretty Virgo thing to do.

Anyway, I’ll admit that this could go either way, depending on which attributes you think of as more important/prominent. So really, you can think of him as whatever you want, and you could definitely have picked a sign less accurate than Scorpio. This is just why I personally don’t see him that way.

[jayatisvaid]

31 Motivational Quotes which help you to overcome Depression and Anxiety

In today’s world, people of all ages either they are male or female, older or child feel stress. In this present-day, anxiety disorders, depression is the most common mental illness across the country, with millions of adults infected every year.

Once in a while, we all go through a phase in life where we feel anxious about the things we are afraid of. It is perfectly normal to feel anxiety in some areas of your life but if this starts stopping you to enjoy your life then it becomes a burden.

The experts at APA define anxiety as “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure”.

People who don’t know about it or have never felt anxious in their life don’t know how blessed they are and they also don’t understand how it feels like to be against your own mind all the time.

Those who are going through anxiety disorders, panic attacks or depression only understand what they really are going through. If you know someone who going through it, be patient with them and lend them an ear. That will be really helpful.

You can also help them by sharing some of these anxiety and depression quotes. Words are more powerful than you can imagine. It can take one person to a place where they feel safe or really uncomfortable.

These anxiety and depression quotes will help you to find out more about it or the once who are already going through it, will help them to get relax for a while.

1. “Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”  

― Corrie Ten Boom

2. “After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn’t bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it’s a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it’s sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we’re doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.”  ― Paulo Coelho, The Witch of Portobello

3. “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”  

― Søren Kierkegaard, The Concept of Anxiety: A Simple Psychologically Orienting Deliberation on the Dogmatic Issue of Hereditary Sin

4. “To hear the phrase “our only hope” always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn’t work, there is nothing left.”  

― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

5. “If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  

― Amit Ray, Om Chanting and Meditation

6. “The more you pray, the less you’ll panic. The more you worship, the less you worry. You’ll feel more patient and less pressured.”  

― Rick Warren, The Purpose of Christmas

7. “Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”  

― Epictetus

8. “Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”  

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

9. “To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.”  

― Søren Kierkegaard

10. “Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”  

― Anais Nin

Social Anxiety Quotes

11. “Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”  

― Jennifer Elisabeth, Born Ready: Unleash Your Inner Dream Girl

12. “Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.”  

― Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

13. “Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”  

― C. H. Spurgeon

14. “Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety, after all, it is only in the darkest nights that stars shine more brightly.”  

― Ali Ibn Abi Talib AS

15. “Life is like a game of chess.

To win you have to make a move.

Knowing which move to make comes with IN-SIGHT

and knowledge, and by learning the lessons that are

acculated along the way.

We become each and every piece within the game called life!”  

― Allan Rufus, The Master’s Sacred Knowledge

16. “I’ve spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won’t leave, and fearing that it’s a matter of time before they figure me out and go.”  

― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

17. “Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”  

― Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home

18. “It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.”  

― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

19. “If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”  

― Brené Brown

20. “I want to be the best version of myself for anyone who is going to someday walk into my life and need someone to love them beyond reason.”  

― Jennifer Elisabeth, Born Ready: Unleash Your Inner Dream Girl

Living with Anxiety – Short Quotes

21. “Feelings don’t try to kill you, even the painful ones. Anxiety is a feeling grown too large. A feeling grown aggressive and dangerous. You’re responsible for its consequences, you’re responsible for treating it. But…you’re not responsible for causing it. You’re not morally at fault for it. No more than you would be for a tumor.”  

― Patrick Ness, The Rest of Us Just Live Here

22. “Anxiety was born at the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.”  

― Paulo Coelho, Manuscrito encontrado em Accra

23. “But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks, or break a window–maybe rearrange all the furniture.”  

― Raymond Carver, Where I’m Calling From New and Selected Stories

24. “Even if she be not harmed, her heart may fail her in so much and so many horrors; and hereafter she may suffer–both in waking, from her nerves, and in sleep, from her dreams.”  

― Bram Stoker, Dracula

25. “It was that sort of sleep in which you wake every hour and think to yourself that you have not been sleeping at all; you can remember dreams that are like reflections, daytime thinking slightly warped.”  

― Kim Stanley Robinson, Icehenge

26. “Chronic anxiety is a state more undesirable than any other, and we will try almost any maneuver to eliminate it. Modern man is living in anxious anticipation of destruction. Such anxiety can be easily eliminated by self-destruction. As a German saying puts it: ‘Better an end with terror than a terror without end.”  

― Robert E. Neale, The Art of Dying

27. “I get so god damn lonely and sad and filled with regrets some days. It overwhelms me as I’m sitting on the bus; watching the golden leaves from a window; a sudden burst of realisation in the middle of the night. I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. I’m alone as I’ve always been and sometimes it hurts…. but I’m learning to breathe deep through it and keep walking. I’m learning to make things nice for myself. To comfort my own heart when I wake up sad. To find small bits of friendship in a crowd full of strangers. To find a small moment of joy in a blue sky, on a trip somewhere not so far away, a long walk an early morning in December or a handwritten letter to an old friend simply saying ”I thought of you. I hope you’re well.”

No one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Take care of your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Get yourself some books and learn them by heart. Get to know the author, where he grew up, what books he read himself. Take yourself out for dinner. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. it’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it.

I get so god damn lonely and sad and filled with regrets some days, but I’m learning to breathe deep through it and keep walking. I’m learning to make things nice for myself. Slowly building myself a home with things I like. Colors that calm me down, a plan to follow when things get dark, a few people I try to treat right. I don’t sometimes, but it’s my intent to do so. I’m learning.I’m learning to make things nice for myself. I’m learning to save myself.

I’m trying, as I always will.”  

― Charlotte Eriksson, Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself: growing up is a wonderful thing to do

28. “How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, “Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?” To which the man responded, “That’s your worry.”  

― Max Lucado

29. “It did what all ads are supposed to do: create an anxiety relievable by purchase.”  

― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

30. “Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don’t agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ”

― C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer

Inspirational quotes for anxiety sufferers

31. “Life is like a sandwich!

Birth as one slice,

and death as the other.

What you put in-between  

the slices is up to you.

Is your sandwich tasty or sour?

― Allan Rufus

So yes, these were some of the anxiety and depression quotes which you should read.

Which ones are your favorite anxiety and depression quotes that really touched you in a way or something?

Do share your views about anxiety disorder, your experience with it or the overcome anxiety and depression quotes with us.

Original Source:- Quotes about overcome depression and anxiety

[jali-writes]

Welcome to a new decade

Personal update

I can’t believe I’m a month away from 33. I’ve been living in Toronto for 3 years now... Life just whizzes by you, sometimes. I wish I could say I feel optimistic, but... My depression has been really bad for the last 4 months now, affecting not just my creativity, but almost every aspect of my life. It’s been a super-combo hit of work stress, financial woes, stuff breaking or falling apart, my own insane perfectionism working me to the bone, and my already existing levels of anxiety and depression compounding these issues with poor eating, zero exercise, and irregular sleep. Everything just fell in on me and triggered some suicidal ideation after about 2 years of having things under control. No forward momentum on that, but knowing where my health used to be and where I’ve ended recently, this was a wakeup call.

I’ve taken these last two weeks and a bit off work to insulate and isolate myself from just about everything. Being left alone, getting off social media, and sleeping a lot has helped alleviate a lot of my stress, and recharge my batteries somewhat. I’ve had time and space to consider things. I’ve had to look at my problems dead-on and acknowledge that, despite my very best efforts, some things are out of my hands, and that’s not a reflection on me.

I’ve also taken a critical look at my lifestyle and realized I need to change. I am merciless with myself. I am brutal, and unforgiving, and abusive to myself. I want so badly to be everything for everyone, to be liked, to be wanted, to do well at my job, to make paying off my student debt look effortless, to create endlessly the same way I did back when I was 18, 24, 26. But in trying to be this... super-human creature, I’m killing myself. My creativity feels like it took a shuttle to another solar system. My physical health has been trash. Despite my best efforts, I got backhanded with a reality check at work. I’ve cancelled most all social engagements in the last 6 months.

I’m failing the people and places I wanted to please. Most importantly, I’m failing myself.

Writing update

Can I say that I’ve actually gone a full calendar year without creating anything new?

I’ve been slowly (excruciatingly slowly) doing a final edit to Roommates. My creativity, off god knows where, has telegraphed me ideas in shorthand. I’ve been jotting notes, making Pinterest boards, and talking to my soundboard friend about these ideas. Trying to make anything out of those ideas is so hard for me. I haven’t written a single thing. Every time I try to sit down, my brain turns into TV static.

Creativity, please come back from your intergalactic travels. I need you. I don’t want to be barren for the rest of my life.

Goals for 2020

Get my sleep schedule under control

Wake up early every morning to hit the gym. I know this will be difficult to maintain, but if I can do it for 1 week, I can do it for 2. If I can do 2, I can do 3. And then it’s a month. I just... have to start. I’m not trying to lose weight or get ripped. I just need physical activity right now.

Wednesdays are rest days. I’m not cooking, cleaning, shopping, going anywhere, seeing anyone, or doing anything at all productive besides going to work. The goal is to rest myself, turn my brain off, block out everyone and everything so I can make it through the next half of the week. Play some video games. Read in the bath. Catch up on shows. Watch cat videos.

Schedule writing every day (except Wednesdays). Just for an hour (but I’ll start with half to get me in the habit for the first few weeks). Set a timer on my phone, and when it dings, that’s it, I’ve done my work. Maybe I’ll build a character’s backstory; maybe I’ll outline a chapter; maybe I’ll worldbuild just one thing per week. Maybe I’ll write utter trash about nothing. Who cares. I need to not care, just write. 

Stretch. My work ethic is so mean to me, I’ve developed stabbing aches down my back and stiffness all over, just because I sit still and focus hard, and ignore my body telling me this is no good. Stretch every morning after workout, and every evening before bed. Find a quiet place in the basement at work to stretch during the day.

Schedule (and actually attend) a social event once a month. Fuck the cost, just do it. Either with friends, or with work people, or hell, find some meetup group in the city. Doesn’t have to be expensive or the same event or the same people every time. Connecting with people reminds me I’m not alone, gives me something to look forward to besides work as a reason to leave the house.

Stop treating myself like shit. If the order of this list meant anything, this should be first. I need to let myself feel things and then let them go instead of dwelling and obsessing and compounding thoughts into a snowball of horribleness. I need to take care of myself instead of cracking the whip until I mentally or physically collapse. I need to let go of trying to micromanage things that only time can alleviate. I am not the master of time. I need to stay in my lane and let time do his job.

Don’t lie in bed all weekend because I’m wasted from the week. Get up at a reasonable hour, exercise, tidy up the house, get groceries or whatever, do the laundry. This pendulum of extreme work followed by extreme fatigue and lethargy is fucking me up in so many ways.

Figure out my meals for the week. Stop eating reheated frozen lasagna 4 times a week. Make a stirfry instead of cheap instant ramen. Eat a fricking vegetable at least once a day. Cut back on the supermarket cake.

Drink more. Flavored water, tea, matcha latte, whatever, just drink more. 

I feel like the exercising will have a ripple effect on the food/water/sleep/fatigue situation. More healthy activity will release stress and help me sleep better, stimulate my appetite, and make me thirsty. That’ll help me get the rest I need when I need it, instead of crashing on the weekend.

Treating myself better, letting myself rest, and writing almost daily might take more time. But my physical state is more important than what I’m constantly outputting. I know this all sounds so “no shit, Sherlock” in writing, sounds like a simple no-brainer when you read it. I wouldn’t be writing it if I was already doing these things. I’m writing it to hold it up to myself, to give myself accountability, to make it real. The more I remind myself, the more I’m likely to act on it.

2020 has to be about me, about getting better.

Maybe then my creativity will come home from the space war.